#hopefully this essay is readable...

[needle-thread-thimble-spear]

RGU and the Transfeminine, Part 1

OR

Why Miki Kaoru is an Egg

Fig. 1: The Sunlit Garden

When I’d first watched through Revolutionary Girl Utena, Miki Kaoru was initially one of the characters I had the hardest time figuring out. Unlike the other poisoned sibling relationships in the show, Miki and Kozue’s didn’t really make much sense to me. I couldn’t decide how I felt about the character, whether he was “better” somehow than Touga, Saionji, or Akio, or if he was “just as bad”. And of course. What the hell is with that damn stopwatch dude??* Looking at fan writings afterward just deepened the confusion. Everyone seems to have a different opinion on what’s going on with Miki. It’s only after much re-watching, and introspection, that I think I’ve figured out why I’m so conflicted about the character. I’d like to share why- and hopefully along the way I can at least show that Miki is more interesting than many give him credit for. Click the readmore if you please!

(And, to be clear, what is written below is a reading, a blend of evidence from the text, from the subtext, and my own personal experience. I do not claim to be the first to interpret the character this way nor do I claim that this is the definitive read of the character. Nonetheless, I hope I can make my case to you!)

and, a big thank you to @empty-movement for collating all the high quality screengrabs and scans in this post!

Fig 2: Rookie Princes

While I’m not the first to notice, I think it’s frequently overlooked just how similar Utena and Miki are in the first arc. It’s definitely something that flies over the heads of many first-time viewers. But Miki and Utena, are extremely alike! Of course, they are both motivated by an unattainable image of the past, and Miki’s early episodes codify the “sunlit garden” into the RGU symbolic environment. But it’s more than just this. Utena and Miki both treat Anthy in basically the same way. Utena has an easy time convincing Miki that the dueling game is objectifying nonsense. That the principled thing is to leave the whole exercise behind and treat Anthy like a person. It isn’t very hard for Miki to convince Utena to duel him for her hand either. They both view themselves as her personal protector, and (while maybe at different times), both project their imagination of what she must be thinking onto her. Utena does a bit more than Miki to try and figure Anthy out, but it doesn’t take much for her to get swept up in her own image of prince. In both their minds, Anthy needs them to save her. And, when Anthy looks them in the eyes, and tells them. I’m not yours. It destroys them. Freezes them in their tracks, breaks their hearts. Screaming, its a lie, you can’t mean that! Of course they get along so well! They see themselves in one another, plain as day. Little rival princelings, seeking the affections of the same princess, but always with chivalry and good intention.

Fig 3: Heartbreak

But I think there is more to it than that! Miki and Utena (and later Nanami) are some of the youngest duelists (at least, without a black rose anyway). And, they have fairly similar relationships to the other members of the student council. Juri acts as an older friend, mentor, and source of advice for both of them. Its not unlikely that she sees her younger self in the two of them, and while she does very directly take this out on Utena, its her sword that Utena takes to her second duel with Touga. Indeed, Touga manipulates Miki and Utena in unsubtle and sexually aggressive ways, as compared to how he might treat Saionji or Juri. And for both, its their relationship to gender that he directly attacks. He attempts to break Utena’s spirit by turning her “back into a normal girl”, and for Miki he seems to challenge his masculinity. And while this may seem as though the two of them are being shoved in opposite directions, in both cases, Touga hits them in the same place. “You’re a prince then? I don’t think so. Unless you prove it”. Touga isn’t the only one to question Miki’s ability or status. Utena and Juri both tell Miki. You are much more suited to playing piano than dueling. The main difference here is that they tell him this with genuine compassion, but the implication is the same. You aren’t suited to this prince thing. Give it up.

I don’t think it’s just the audience who is conflicted slotting in Miki with the other “men”.

Fig 4: Strange Friends

Much ink has been spilled on Miki and Kozue’s relationship, but I do think there is one thing consistent across readings. There is a power struggle going on between them, and they’ve both got something to hold over the others head. Personally, I don’t believe there is any attraction between them. Rather, What’s Going On With Those Two is their mismatch in understanding their sexuality and the RGU concept of “Reality”, and the friction that creates in their image of themselves and one another. That reading may go as follows. Miki sees Kozue as acting dangerously and immorally. In his mind, she is his responsibility, to keep out of trouble at the very least. Perhaps he sees himself as needing to step in for their absent parents. So he sees himself as the mature and grounded one, a father figure needing to keep the both of them on the straight and narrow. Kozue on the other hand, sees Miki as being essentially blind to Reality (with a capital R). She believes he doesn’t have a good grasp of what sex is, or what adult relationships look like. She may believe that she understands what happened with their parents much better than Miki, and clearly sees that her brother is in danger with his creepy music teacher. So she sees herself as the mature and grounded one, needing to protect her brother both by warding off people who would take advantage of him and by getting him to grow up and see things as they Really are. Without their parents, they feel the need to take care of one another and control how the other approaches their sexuality. But in the end, it does seem that Kozue is the one who is better able to manipulate Miki’s behavior, helping Akio convince him to duel a second time. That Miki needs to grow up and accept what he wants. He sees a vision of Anthy, and he’s driving the akiomobile. And, with fearful realization, he discovers the identity of End of the World.

Fig 5: Fear

So then. Why should Miki be so hung up about his sexuality? It clearly makes him very uncomfortable. And why does he compare the sister he had in the past onto the one he has in the present? What’s so special about that sunlit garden, anyway? What is Miki Kaoru’s shining thing?

Let me spin a yarn, if you'll indulge me-

As far as Miki remembers it, when he was little things were perfect. His parents were still there, and he and his twin sister were thick as thieves. They would play piano together, and drink milkshakes. Things were simple and happy as far as he’s concerned, and while his childhood was not nearly as rosy as he remembers, it was certainly better than whatever he has to deal with now. Now his parents are gone for reasons he doesn’t quite understand, and his sister has drifted away from him and acts promiscuously. His body is starting to change, and it fills him with disgust. Worse still, he finds himself envying his sister for some reason. It all floods him with shame. He needs to fight those feeling with everything he has. Being very clever for his age, he finds himself the youngest member of the student council. He becomes involved with the dueling game as it is revealed to him, and goes along with it, not wanting to act out of place. He gets a crush on Anthy, and is unable to figure out what the hell he should do about it. Later, he meets Utena, and the two become fast friends. And how lucky, his new friend is roommates with his crush! She’s just so perfect. She’s kind, and quiet, and chaste, not at all like his sister. He feels a kinship with her. And in an act of cosmic fate- she plays for him his favorite childhood arrangement. It’s just as Touga says. He can’t let the world get to her, the way its getting to his sister. The way its getting to him. He needs to make sure that Anthy, and his memories, are safe. But alas- it seems she doesn’t feel the same way. She’d rather be with Utena. Hopefully, Utena can protect her where he cannot. Miki and Utena go back to being friends, and he nurses his hurt feelings privately. It wouldn't do to make a scene about it, and besides, it wasn’t appropriate for him to think of her like that anyway. Thinking about anyone like that. He can’t help but feel disgusted with himself for allowing it. Later, his relationship with his sister continues to deteriorate, and his father is remarrying. But he can stick by his principles, and stay out of it all, the dueling especially. Kozue, Touga, and Akio have other plans. He is confronted with Reality, and it terrifies him. He sees himself in the drivers seat, Anthy his. This is what he is now, no point in trying to hide from it. He challenges Utena again, taking an early advantage utilizing his new resolve and Utena’s confusion. But that resolves breaks quickly. What is Kozue doing with Anthy?

Pay attention, or you’ll lose.

Fig 6: Crash!!

Miki is disgusted with himself, his role, because he does not want it. He hates what’s happening to himself and his family. He admires Utena and Juri, for embodying his ideal self. He listens to Touga, puts up with his music teacher, even if they make him feel gross and uncomfortable, because he feels he has to and that he doesn’t have a choice. He idolizes Anthy, so much. He is attracted to her, but maybe there is something more. Maybe, Miki wishes he could be her. Miki, in my mind, is a closeted trans lesbian going through puberty as a boy. I think that part of this might be projection, perhaps. But I hope that I might have made my case using the text of the show. But even if you disagree, I hope that you might have a better appreciation for his character. I think he’s fairly consistently people’s least favorite council member as a character, but honestly he’s my favorite and I think there’s a lot more too him than a lot of people give him credit for.

Fig 7: Three Lesbians Hanging Out

… this all being said. I think it’s interesting that Miki thinks Anthy is the picture of femininity right? That this is what he wants.

In the end, all girls are like the rose bride.

Please wait patiently while I make the case, that while Miki is an egg. Anthy has long since hatched...

(And I do mean be patient! This subject, and the concept that Ohtori represents a transmisogynystic institution at its very core, is WAY more personal than this headcanon, and also is much more of a difficult thing to write for dozens of reasons. I'm still not 100% sure it would even be right of me to post my thoughts on that publicly. But if enough people are interested, maybe that would motivate me to write it!)

*What’s a good Miki essay without some sort of Stopwatch Theory tm? Well (and I freely admit much of this is probably projection, but it’s not just me projecting! It’s also my girlfriend!!), Miki seems to get very wrapped up in his own thoughts. He is very self conscious, takes the criticisms of others very seriously, and also seems to get ideas about How Things Are Going To Happen in his head. He desperately tries to make sense of his surroundings, and finds himself consistently failing to do that. So my guess is the stopwatch is a way for him to regulate and calibrate his thoughts and hypotheses and self image. He picked it up in his duty as council secretary, but its something he feels is significant outside of that. Aha moment? Click. Unexpected end to a council meeting? Click. Something go completely as expected? Click. It helps him process I think. That is my formal Stopwatch Hypothesis tm.

Supplement Fig 1: Stopwatch

[ufonaut]

Hey, gang! I'm over on the Drunk Monkeys literary journal talking about the merits of Elvis Presley's films for their special 2023 Pop Culture issue. Go check it out!

[istherewifiinhell]

Following is an analysis of how Koisenu Futari writes it aro characters, aro narrative and what it intends to convey, and is also my own personal thoughts and feelings in regards to that. I refer to the characters by some stero- and archetypal categories because they are fictional, and how they are is a choice made by writers. I wouldn't say these things about real people, and you don't have to agree with me. Also of course its plot and character important that Takahashi and Sakuko are AroAce. But I will just be saying aro, because that's what was so revolutionary in the show for me and what I'm focusing on in this. Cool? Great, awesome. Let's go.

Koisenu Futari is a show that doesn't seem real to me. Part of my brain assumes, no they didn't actually make an aro show that actually cares about aros. A show that knows and shows aros of all kinds, all-be-it, some just briefly in the meet up group. But as I'll posit, ideologically this show has the space for loveless aros and all of us that really defy the more easier to digest notions of aro-ness.

Because, the thing that stuck me most about this show is that our point of view character Sakuko, is the newly discovered aro. She's a kind person with a sweet disposition and friendly to most. She doesn't relate to all the romance around her (including when someone is being insulting to her about the nature of her lack of relationships), but she is eager to please people, and doesn't like to make any trouble. She's younger and career focused that leaves people do assume any time she doesn't mesh with romance society is simply a matter of late blooming.

And enter Takahashi, the person who's words help her understand herself, help save herself. A person she meets and can finally feel a comfortable, understanding, connection with. Takahashi, an old aro, a bitter aro, he's someone who is knowledgeable about the societal construction and history of romance. He feels deeply the effects of, and understands structurally, amatonormativity. He has couple speeches about such things ready to go and bubbling under the surface, and given with an orator's tilt, compared to the rest of his conversations. And, he is epitome of your repulsed aro, your touch adverse aro and non neurotypical passing aro.

But of course, that's not the totality of what anybody is, and that's not all these characters are. Takahashi is a thoughtful and sentimental man, he's closeted even a bit shy. And through that we see his bravery when working against his reserved nature. He feels lonely, but not devoid of meaning or purpose because of it.

Takahashi's live does certainly seem much happier, and fulfilled. He maintains a blog, his garden, he keeps traditions the contented mundane rituals of life. And to me it brings to mind statistics about masking, being closeted, transition, and their relation to wellness. There is often an inverse relationship to the joy or peace of being yourself, and access to certain parts of society, or safety within it. Which of course, Sakuko, due to being younger and her general disposition, does pass mostly unnoticed in these spaces, but at great cost, some she didn't even realise, or really admit to herself.

Sakuko is, of the two, someone who comes across as more palatable to normative society. The kind of people and structures that might prefer to see aros in QPs specifically so they more closes resemble allo (& hetero) monogamous relationships. Kazu's plot line brings home that the expectations of a man and a women living together supersede the need for actually romance. So they aren't in romantic love, but shouldn't they still have the aesthetic patina of it. If you're a family should the woman not be a caretaker and the man a protector? And, obviously, no. Amantonormativity as a word, as a lens to view society, didn't even originate in aro subculture, and shares a lot of overlap with hetero- and cis- normativity for a reason. And the show's deftly handles how far that norm is from the reality.

Takahashi isn't, we learn, living his perfect life, for a mixture of reasons. Many that I would qualify under a flinch response. If you live your life in defiance of something, against others insistence. It makes sense to be resistant to change, headstrong and immutable. So he'll wholeheartedly commit to his own life, and respect others' choices and feelings. He doesn't talk as much as he simply acts, he wouldn't question someone even if he should. And he won't change his life if it may imply his current way of life is wrong, even if the change could be for the better.

So it is in this these two characters differences that their affect can be seen on each other. Sakuko learns to live a committed and more defiant life. She learns to do things that make her happy, to reach out and grab things by the throat, instead of settle. And from Sakuko who had to change just to keep being herself. Takahashi learns that he doesn't have to live just one way. He can change, if he isn't as happy as he could be he can take a risk, and if that doesn't work, it doesn't have to be permanent. And at no point do they have to change the immutable parts of themselves.

Obviously, there is no trick romance snuck in. But more importantly and, perhaps insightfully, what might be considered secondary character traits are equally respected. Sakuko doesn't have to endure more peoples romantic feelings for her, she doesn't have to stop being career oriented, or fun loving. And she doesn't have to be closer to her family before they can respect her. Takahashi, and this truly blew me away to realise. Doesn't ever have to welcome people touching him, or even being too close. He doesn't have change his affect or his demeanor in emotional conversations. The biggest changes our characters go through come from their increased happiness and increased desire to work towards happiness.

And if it wasn't clear enough yet, the end state of the show knocks it out of the fucking park, and directly into my, and I hope others brains. To be forever lodged in our subconsciouses. The prescribed ideals aren't what give us meaning. Straight couples aren't all perfect, sometimes romantic feelings cause you pain, and structuring your life so it seems familiar is never more important that if it brings you satisfaction and joy. Their lives, their family, their connection to each other doesn't end or stop having meaning when it no longer approximates the very things they were trying to live away from.

[theloveinc]

This is off topic and you don’t have to answer at all but do you ever feel that people sometimes just… Write characters massively out of character for the sake of assigning them certain fantasies or kinks that the writer enjoys? Like that always bugged me. I get that you want HIM to fuck you, but if he’s not realistically going to like or do this kink, find another character who WOULD and write them with it instead. Like I know we’re all guilty of self-indulgence, but sometimes it takes me out of the fic lmao

yes LOL. i know we talk about degradation everything other day, but i ran into some of it kinda randomly the other day and I was just like... jesus christ. who the hell is this? who the hell would even think he's like this??? (or like that one post, "he would NEVER say that").

and you'd think that ... whoever would partake in the kink would be of more interest to the author anyway, simply because their fantasies would just more naturally align with the character . but no, they gotta butcher someone else entirely just because they can't cum unless they're being choked or called a bitch (stop it, get some help/aftercare.)

ALSOOO, maybe this is problematic (whatever)... part of me thinks it dumb too bc... wouldn't u also wanna test ur abilities writing for someone you wouldn't normally? tho i guess that's just ur point of people wanting to indulge in someone specific but... one aspect of writing is like... challenging yourself to create something that actually makes sense, at least in the characterization/analyzation/exploration sense... so after a certain point, why does extreme ooc-ness become acceptable? if who ur writing about... is no longer there. 

because... to be fair.......... now that i think about it.......... there are ways to give characters wacky/scary/weird/random kinks ... if you actually.......... put thought into it. BUT PEOPLE DON'T!!!!! and it absolutely makes fic hard to read.

[ennabear]

vampire!ellie

synopsis: you met ellie in your university’s ancient library, you were just trying to study and ellie couldn’t help but talk to you. it drove her crazy, the scent of your blood. usually, she didn’t even notice the scent on others. she was so used to it that it didn’t bother her anymore. but you were different, sweeter.

cw: kinda like a mix between tlou and twilight, mentions of witchcraft and hanging, vampire!abby being a ladykiller literally, papa vampire!joel, mama vampire!tess, newlyweds vampire!jesse and dina, dina’s transformation, lotsssss of backstory like i seriously couldn’t stop myself from yapping. not proofread sorry :((((((

a/n: i’m definitely gonna make a series out of this. sorry if this is wayyy too long but i have a special place in my heart for vamp!ellie and her sweet vampire family. ok that’s all ily thanks for reading.

wc: 2.2k

you shouldn’t be walking alone at night, really. campus was a sketchy place. a plethora of bad things could happen. you could get kidnapped, jumped, pickpocketed, or, hell, even bitten by a vampire.

the library had the same scent it always did. it smelled like dust and paper. in all honesty, you didn’t prefer it here. although it was beautiful, tall windows lined with stained glass, large bookshelves with every book you’d ever want, every word you could imagine and more, it was just so eerie. something bad was bound to happen here.

anyways, you settled down at the table in the corner. the one farthest away from anyone else. you’d rather be at home right now, studying in bed. it’s only because your roommate invited her stupid boyfriend over that you ended up here. it’s for the better anyway, though, because in bed you wouldn’t get anything done. you’d be too distracted.

you had your priorities written on your palm, the pen now smudged, making it barely readable. writing on your palm was easier, more convenient than a post-it note. but you wrote it down on paper anyways, incase you sweated more of it off before you finished. it wasn’t likely you would, though. the library was freezing, especially in the winter.

the clack of your fingers typing in your laptop password was the only thing to be heard. everyone else was dead silent. this was probably the only thing you liked about the library, everybody agreed on an unspoken rule, make the least amount of noise possible. you got started with completing your essay after shuffling your playlist, determined to finish by the end of the night.

that’s when she saw you.

or, smelled you? your scent was so strong, it hit ellie hard. her vision went dark and splotchy, and she had to grip onto the table for support. her pearly white hands making a dent in the table with how hard she was holding.

you had to be her next meal. she had to find some way to get you alone and suck your veins dry. it scared her, the thoughts she was having. her intentions weren’t to murder you, but she was starving now. you had unknowingly gotten her high on your scent.

she didn’t even know where you were. were you outside? down the hall? in the library? fuck, right next to her? her head was hurting now, really, really badly. but she needed you even worse.

picking up a random book, she used the most brainpower she could to sniff you out. then, she really saw you. headphones in your ears, your hands typing away at something that won’t even matter soon. soon, she’ll have your body in her arms, hopefully in the comfort of her own home. your neck dripping a puddle on the floor as she relentlessly drank from you, your skin growing cold and your lips turning purple.

her docs made silent footsteps across the floor as she walked toward you. this was something ellie learned to master, silence. especially when she went into hunting mode. nobody looked at her as she expertly dodged the creaks in the old wooden floor. nobody saw her coming. especially you. you never saw ellie williams coming.

“hey, is it okay if i sit here?”

“….sorry, what was that?” you scrambled to pause your music.

“can i sit here?”

“oh. yeah, sure. go ahead.”

you went back to typing, not continuing your music incase she wanted to talk. you really hoped she didn’t. you needed to finish your essay. and you weren’t much of a people person either.

“what are you writing?” she asked.

“just an essay, nothing interesting.”

“oh, cool.”

she started reading the book she picked up before sniffing you out. she didn’t bother to look at the title. or read any of the words either. really, she was just staring at it, her mind racing. she needed to come up with something interesting, something to make you like her.

while she stared at the words, you couldn’t help but stare at her. your fingers came to a complete stop as you admired this stranger across from you. she didn’t even introduce herself, how strange. her hair was a dark brown, her eyes black. her face was incredibly smooth. skin paler than ever, she looked as if she was a marble statue, like she belonged in a museum.

and she was reading twilight, of all books. although, you liked the book, it seemed ironic for her, like she was too mature for it. this beautiful stranger was sitting across from you, her eyebrows pulled together in frustration while she chewed on the inside of her cheek. she seemed furious at something, but at the same time, hard to read.

you were almost scared of her, but intrigued above all else.

“do you like that book?” you asked.

“twilight? yeah. it’s okay. i’ve read it a few times.”

“hmm. it’s a classic.”

“it’s not bad. but i’ve read a lot of books. this one doesn’t come close to the others.”

“so you read a lot? how come i’ve never seen you before?”

“i’m usually hiding. i don’t prefer to engage with others if i can help it.”

“yeah, that explains it.”

she got lucky. thank god, if there even is one, that she grabbed a book you knew about. that you started a conversation with her. she thought it was the most stupid book on earth. it was filth, pure mormon fanfiction. and it was completely wrong.

“why are you here so late? it’s almost midnight.” you asked.

“i could ask you the same question.” she responded.

“i have a lot of work i’ve been procrastinating on. if i could choose, i’d be at home. but my roommate’s boyfriend is there and i can’t stand being in the same building as them.”

“i don’t really know why i’m here. i just like to meet new people i guess.”

“i thought you didn’t like talking to people.”

“that’s different. you’re different.”

“how so? you don’t know who i am, and i don’t even know your name.”

she stared at you blankly. you had her trapped. she suddenly realized that maybe you were harder to get than she expected. maybe you wanted to play this game.

“i’m ellie. it’s short for elizabeth but i hate that name. it’s too common, i’m sick of hearing it.”

“elizabeth is beautiful.”

“thanks. you sound like my parents.”

lie. she didn’t know her parents anymore. they had abandoned her hundreds of years ago after suspecting she was a witch because she refused to get married to a man at only seventeen. after a few years, she was hung.

it wasn’t until her new father, joel, took up an investigation of what happened to poor elizabeth. he ended up traveling to their old village and finding her grave after tracing her obituary back to a newspaper published in 1579.

shed been dead for years. joel was the one who brought her back to life. he injected his venom into her long rotten arms and took her in for the seven years it took for her to come back fully. he saved her. he taught her how to walk, how to speak, how to hunt. joel miller was her new father.

joel used to be a police officer. in 1712, he ran into a poor woman, bleeding and begging for his help. claiming that her husband had turned to satan and was now possessed. the woman had been bitten, she eventually would turn into ellie’s mother, tess. joel got bitten too. all three of them spent the next years as newborns in that small cabin, feasting on whoever was unfortunate enough to wander by.

the woman’s husband didn’t survive. he was caught by a clan of christians and burned alive, leaving just joel and tess, who couldn’t help but fall in love. they adopted more kids before and after ellie too.

abigail was the first. she was living alone in the appalachian mountains, feasting on whoever wandered after sundown. leading poor girls, desperate for a good time, into her bed and then eating them whole. abigail often hung out at lesbian bars. the girls who went home with her never came back. a bartender joked with her about this once, the bartender didn’t come back, either.

joel heard about abigail through the only other coven that lived in washington. they said she was a monster, a relentless murderer trapped in a goddesses body. that she could hold the whole world on her shoulders but couldn’t refrain from eating innocent girls who were cheating on their husbands.

abby and ellie were never really good friends, but they tried. abby preferred to keep to herself. usually either reading or climbing a mountain with her bare hands. and she refused to find a long-term lover. ellie was almost the opposite. she preferred more modern things, like making music and fast cars. and she loved to flirt with girls.

jesse came after ellie. he was born more recently, in 1878. he was dying of a disease nobody knew about. they didn’t have the right knowledge or technology to save him, so they quarantined him in a hospital room until he died. he didn’t, though. joel saved his life. the hospital staff were horrified after seeing the blood stained floor, the splatters over the walls, and more importantly, the fact that jesse’s body was nowhere to be found.

jesse had a wife now, named dina. she met him in 1983 at a prestigious fashion school. jesse had already been to tons of colleges. neither of them aged. they never changed. they were all trapped. after studying medicine, law, physics, engineering, and marketing, he wanted a change.

that’s when he met dina. she was a beautiful woman, deep tan skin, dark eyes, long black hair and eyelashes. and she had such a knack for fashion. jesse was in love, it took him a long while before he came clean to dina about who he was. she was so in love with him too, she didn’t mind it, and she certainly wasn’t scared. dina was never scared of anything.

so they got married. and the night after their wedding, they flew to a private island joel owned for their “honeymoon”. aka, dina’s transformation. they were gone for almost three years. jesse kept a journal of everything that happened to her.

july 12, 1989. i did it. i held her so gently in my arms and sank my teeth into her neck. she was screaming, i know she was in pain, but she’ll never admit it. before she fell asleep, i drank a few of her tears and then closed her eyes. she’ll be twenty six for the rest of her life, until the earth stops spinning. i hope she can forgive me.

december 31, 1989. joel, i got your letter. she’s been doing okay. i can’t stop looking at her, her perfect curves and her deep brown hair. i think it was for the better that i took her dress off before we started, she designed it, it was so beautiful. i know she’d get upset about the red staining the expensive white satin. it’s still here, waiting for her. the year is about to end, we still have quite a few months until she awakes. i’m scared. not of her, of myself. am i a murderer? did i, a cold-blooded demon, destroy a perfect, innocent life? will she remember me?

august 27, 1990. it’s been over a year. nothing, but i know it’s coming. i’ve been holding her head on my lap, stroking her hair. i haven’t moved from this position in three months. she is so beautiful. i redressed her in the outfit she designed for this occasion, it suits her well. a part of me regrets this decision. i wish i could grow old with her, maybe have kids someday. sit on the porch while or grandchildren play in the yard. her eyes wrinkling with the smile she always flashes me. this will never happen. it’s just a dream.

november 16, 1990. she is awake. so much screaming. she’s in pain. won’t even look at me. she is thirsty. will bring her some bird blood to quench her thirst.

november 21, 1990. she only sits and stares at a wall, rocking back and forth. her eyes are white now. don’t know if she is okay. or if she will survive. her throat burns. if she goes, i go.

february, 1991. don’t know what day it is, she has calmed down. she didn’t remember anything at first. not me, not her name, nothing. she remembers now, though. hopefully we can come home this year. i still don’t know if i trust her enough around people. if she is caught, she’ll be burned. if she goes, i go.

may 18, 1991. traveled to a near by island. i taught her how to swim, she loves it. she’s so surprised that she can hold her breath infinitely. she is so beautiful, it’s like falling in love with her all over again. there were people at the island, it was a small village. they were kind, but we had to leave early. i don’t want to push her limits, but she did exceptionally well.

october 4, 1991. on our way home. starting this life forever with her. i hope she can forgive me.

[comradekatara]

Thanks for answering my ask about eska and desna! This isnt really avatar related but I was wondering if you have any book/text recommendations for someone trying to get back into reading. Specifically educational non fiction or philosophical/media analysis type things. Or just anything you’d like to recommend in general. You seem very well read with how you parse and interpret texts and I would love to get to that point someday. Kind regards :)

ooh sure! i’ll try to keep my list sparse and accessible so as not to overwhelm you :)

i think pretty much any essay by susan sontag is a fun and valuable read, and she’s a very lucid and trenchant writer, but i would especially recommend illness as metaphor, which is an essay i think literally everyone in the world should read.

i would also recommend frantz fanon. i tend to assume that most people have read or at least encountered les damnés de la terre (the wretched of the earth), but i also really love peau noire, masques blancs (black skin, white masks) and would recommend both if you haven’t read either. i have some issues with their english translations, but for the most part they’re very clear and easy to read (which is not true of a lot of french/francophone theory from the 20th cent lol) and you can readily find pdfs online.

the essay “trust and sincerity in art” by c. thi nguyen is very short and eminently readable. it’s not mind-blowing or anything, but it’s fun to read, and i also think it provides a useful framework for discussing certain kinds of art, so it seems like it would be up your alley based on the criteria you described.

braiding sweetgrass by robin wall kimmerer is on a lot of these kinds of lists for good reason. it performs a lot of different functions simultaneously and seemingly effortlessly. it’s a fun and also edifying read, so you should check that out if you haven’t already.

finally, it’s been a while since i first read it, but i recommend darkly by leila taylor if you want an engaging work of literary criticism that is also personal and narrativized in a coherent way that doesn’t detract from the quality of the analytical work. it also references a bunch of different texts that comprise “the black gothic,” which is fun because then you can compile your own syllabus and continue reading from there!

hopefully there is enough variety in this short list that you feel satisfied. these are really just off the top of my head and obviously i don’t know your taste, so hopefully one of these works resonates with you. illness as metaphor is required reading imo, but the rest you can peruse at your leisure.

[catboybiologist]

you ever get like the most fucking amazing idea forca pieve of media but you know damn well you don't have the energy to properly realize it?

God yes. I literally have a monetary writing obligation from a kofi donation on Biologics that I physically have not had the time to finish. (I'm so sorry, I should finish something soon!). I have at least two ideas for massive video essay thingies I want to make, and I'm probably going to strip down the outlines of them to identify what I can leave out or leave for something else. I have at least two other ideas for stories beyond that, which are fully sketched out in my head, but 0 time or spoons to get them on a page and actually make them readable in any sense. I don't have the skill to implement any of these and make them good, and need to either make them crappy or get that skill, but that's also time investment.

I don't think most of this will see the light of day, but hopefully I'll get one or two of them out at some point. Taking a break from my PhD for a few months will help.

[vanicanela18]

thoughts on Jamil Viper and self-respect

This is a bit of an introspective post/analysis/character study on Jamil, born out of some rambles I rained upon a friend last night after watching this video, where the author made a couple of comments that caught my attention on regards to Jamil (the video is non-twst related though). I believe they are things that have always been there, but I finally put a name to them and weaved my thoughts into words. Hopefully it will be readable, even if this still keeps a bit of the ramble-y nature of my original messages to my friend. One of the things mentioned in the video (regarding a character, the video is an essay on Spider-Man: No Way Home) that struck me were these lines:

You have to believe in yourself enough to know your capability and show off when required and use the best parts of you. Servitude requires, yes, humility, but it also requires your self-esteem.

(...)

If you don't recognise your own value, you can't offer your value. By hating yourself, you're doing a bad job of serving others.

I was a bit baffled to say the least. I paused the video, wrote the sentences and chewed them a little in my mind. I momentarily scrapped aside Jamil's own desire of seeing the world and his own dislike of it in order to reflect on the words.

Jamil has this thing where he's very prideful and egocentric, that’s just part of his character (and not entirely undeserved, as he’s indeed very smart and capable). He feeds his own ego by constantly reassuring himself of his value, his power, his intelligence, yet on the meantime he constantly craves for approval, praise and recognition from others. His perceived chains come from the way he was raised, in which his position is tied to the way he can show himself to the world. Jamil is not an insecure person per se but he ultimately wants to prove something. He wants to be praised and adored, and such things he has associated not to himself as a person but to his position in society, which is why he also craves a higher social standing (the entire master thing with the parrot for example, because master=power, and that means he has value enough to show off).

In essence, he doesn't value himself not because he doesn't believe he's capable but because he doesn't have enough self-respect to himself, his family, their job. Not only since it's something he doesn't like, but because he's been raised with the idea that he's inferior just because he has to bow down to someone else. 

"Servitude requires humility, but it also requires your self-esteem". In other words, it’s knowing you're still capable and worthy of respect and praise. And the funny thing is that this idea that he matters less wasn't even hammered down by the Asims, it was just Jamil's parents trying to curb down their slightly-too-prideful son (in their perception) so they wouldn’t fall out of favour. They obviously did a horrendous job at it though, while also perpetuating in Jamil's mind that they're worth nothing because they're servants.

To be clear: I am not saying this is Jamil’s fault. This is a consequence of his environment and the society around him, added to his own personality which tunnel vissions on this (value=power). In the end, Jamil's insecurity is less about not believing in his capabilities and more of just believing himself unworthy because of his position, which is why he never tries his best at anything and bends under the pressure of underperforming. Yet he hungers for that praise and approval, of being in the spotlight, while simultaneously running away from it. It's heartbreaking but a self-made hell as well, because...

No one lights a lamp and hides it in a clay jar or puts it under a bed. Instead, they put it on a stand, so that those who come in can see the light.

(quoted from the video)

Jamil never realises that Kalim has always been aware of his capabilities. Since Kalim doesn't have Jamil's bias (his insecurity, let's call it, his perhaps surprising lack of self-respect), he always lifts him up and naturally praises him. He lights a lamp (Jamil) so others can see its light! But since it comes from Kalim himself, Jamil resents him as he only sees the social ladder and not Kalim as an individual. And of course, this is because of Jamil's deeply-rooted beliefs, his upbringing, the way it is obvious he lacks Kalim's privilege. But this impossibility of ridding himself of this insecurity is what holds him back in the first place, and what makes him hold Kalim back as well (by not letting him do things by himself).

(Slight Episode 6 spoilers ahead)

This is why Leona says, "at least try your best and struggle". The harsh truth is that by hating himself (the place he was born in, the value of his profession, his true goals) Jamil has never been able to do his best at anything. He has to believe in himself enough to show off when required and use the best parts of himself! And when learning this, he can do the same for others! He can step back and also recognise when he's not needed, to let go of that tight grasp he has in the urge of controlling everything, because it's the only thing that not only makes him feel like having some control of his life but the closest he can get to a position of power (in his eyes).

This also reflects in Jamil's Unique Magic, which by itself is a reflection of a mage's soul. Gratuitious Jafar reference aside, it says a lot about Jamil as well. (paraphrased) "Look into my eyes and tell me, who is your master?" Jamil's long-sought dream; the sad reality of it all is that being called "master", even being the "master", won't bring him any of the reassurance he so yearns for.

In the end, what was what Jamil wanted in Episode Four? Ultimately, he wanted the seat of dorm leader for himself, this power he so covets, what will make him great and finally let him spread his wings, a taste of freedom before it all comes crashing down once he graduates. But... he doesn't have to do that.

Jamil is valid to not want to take on the job of a servant, much less when he's a child himself, but he's not worth inherently less just because he has to bow down to someone else. And I think that's what Leona ends telling him in Episode 6, "you're not worth less if you know your limits and know when to step back. You're not worth less if you lack privileges when you are born. Struggle, fight with all your might: that's what shows that you are worth just as much as others." That's why Leona points out Ruggie, Azul and Riddle, who have all had their fair share of struggles, but have tried ways of making up for them, and ultimately either know their worth or are on their way there. Sebek is also a great Jamil foil: although they're both servants, Sebek takes a lot of pride on his position. He doesn't believe he is worth less for serving Malleus, but more. His actual struggle comes from him as an individual (being half-fae), not his status as a servant.

Ultimately, to keep walking forward and finally find his path, I think this is the conclusion he must learn: Jamil has value as himself. He has value as just Jamil. The servant boy. The one who doesn't want to continue the work of his family. The one who wants to travel the world, and live his life on his own terms. Power won't give him the self-respect and self-esteem he so longs for.

And I think this is the road he begins to walk by the end of his arc on Episode 6, little by little. Stepping back and recognising Leona’s superior magical prowess, but that there’s nothing wrong with weakness. Starting to see Kalim more as his own person, and letting him do things on his own (which will also kickstart Kalim’s own arc, but that’s worth another post). And at last, truly letting himself do his best, speaking out his desires and accept that there’s nothing inherently wrong with the work he and his parents do (as evidenced by his Broomquet Birthday PS), even if he doesn’t want his future to be like that.

In the end, there's no such thing as an useless oil lamp. Even if it's not flashy, not golden and incapable of granting wishes, it can always give you light.

[explosionshark]

3 and 25

3. What were your top five books of the year?

Alright HERE'S where I'm gonna answer for series - I already had a separate answer for standalone books

1. The Golden Enclaves by Naomi Novik (Scholomance #3) - LOVED this conclusion to the Scholomance trilogy. I read books 1 and 2 during December 2022 and did 3 in the first week of January and it was one of the most satisfying conclusions to a series I've ever read. And I'm NOT just saying that bc it's the book where most of the gay shit happens. Leaving the school and having the world open up so much felt so good. I love Orion but having him out of the way for most of the book felt like a good choice to me - it made a lot of room for El's relationships with other characters and the role she decides to take on in the fight against mals. I remember at some point while I was reading the earlier books skimming past some essay or other identifying the Scholomance as like a climate change metaphor and being so puzzled by it - and then getting to the end of Golden Enclaves and being like OHHHH. YEAH. I GET IT.

2. Jade Legacy by Fonda Lee (Green Bone Saga #3) - AGAIN talk about satisfying conclusions. I know some people didn't like this book as much especially bc of issues they have with Hilo at the beginning but to me it all felt in character and didn't diminish anything about my enjoyment. I enjoy how often Lee takes the time to remind the audience that the characters are flawed and sometimes petty or foolish or cruel, even while you root for them. The scale of this book surprised me - SO much time passes, the characters and the world all change so much. I was genuinely shocked by some of the things that happened in this book. I've still got Jade Shards and The Jade Setter of Janloon to go, but man am I gonna be sad to say goodbye to this setting (at least for a while). Absolutely one of my all-time favorite fantasy series of all time now.

3. The Traitor by Anthony Ryan (Covenant of Steel #3) - honestly this could be any of the Covenant of Steel books. I just finished The Traitor this past weekend but this isn't a recency bias thing - I read The Pariah and The Martyr back to back in August. There's something I really love about Ryan's style - his characters are fucked up but compelling, his worlds feel accessible but still like they have depth and intricacy. I love his Seven Swords novellas and I'm constantly trying to get people to read them bc I think they're a great way to get a taste for his strengths as a writer and hopefully enough to whet your appetite for a more complex, in depth series like Covenant. The books are detailed and they definitely have some parts that can drag a little - but when you DO get hooked they're just propulsive. Super compelling low fantasy that builds and builds in really interesting ways. Great characters.

4. Before They are Hanged by Joe Abercrombie (First Law Book #2) - alright First Law is like TRUE grimdark. Seriously - the end of the final book was extremely brutal. Which is why book 2 ended up being my favorite of the first trilogy, actually. Before They are Hanged is the most straightforward adventure story of the bunch and it has a relatively optimistic ending. There are still gruesome and brutal things happening on the page (and frequently!) but there's such a strong sense of momentum building. The character work for Jezal in this book is so damn good - Abercrombie got me to do a full 180 on him here. (And a 360 by the third book lmao). Abercrombie is a masterful writer, the dark humor running through the story helps keep it readable when things get very bleak.

5. The Justice of Kings by Richard Swan (Empire of the Wolf #1) - another grimdark fantasy that whips ass tbh. Really great low fantasy setting. Something I really enjoyed in Empire of the Wolf books AND in the Covenant of Steel is the conflict between state power and religious power and how the people losing the most are the commons in the middle. Justice of Kings sets this up beautifully - I loved the way it slowly zooms out to this larger world-altering conflict after beginning the story as a sort of medieval fantasy murder-mystery. I also think the magic system is so cool and scary. The atmosphere in this book was incredible too - even just thinking back on it makes everything feel miserable and wet and tense despite the fact that as I write this it's kind of picturesquely sunny with white fluffy clouds outside for me. (I DO have to finish the follow-up book Tyranny of Faith, but I think I'll probably pull that off in January next year tbh)

25. What reading goals do you have for next year?

I wanna continue on with more series! And I want to keep challenging myself with long books. I got some Tad Williams stuff in a humble bundle earlier this year, so I'm thinking of taking on Memory Sorrow and Thorn next year as a way to satisfy this desire. A little intimidated by the length but I think it could end up being v rewarding.

End of Year Book Asks

[ninja-muse]

I completely abandoned any pretense about reaching my yearly reading goal this December, but I did manage to read one TBR book per month and read 50 of the books I wanted to in 2022, so I’m counting the year as a win. And I got close to the goal, anyway, at least if you include the picture books. (I do not like to include the picture books.) This month also included surprise highlights, surprise disappointments, and not one, but two, history books, which I feel like I never do.

December also, obviously, included a book haul. I got a couple books I asked for for Christmas, a couple books that came from the “give everyone an essay about my tastes” wishlists, and The Atlas Six, which arrived at work too damaged to sell but is still perfectly readable and it had been recommended by a friend…. The highlight is Weirdos of the Universe Unite!, however. I read this at least three times as a kid, via the public library, and I’m pretty sure we can credit my love of urban fantasy to it. That one’s actually part of my birthday haul, but the postal system got in the way. Very excited to (hopefully) reread it in 2023!

The Mummy! - Jane C. Webb Louden A plan to resurrect a mummy somehow upends the monarchy and everyone’s love lives. Melodramatic satire on a grand scale. - Egyptian secondary character

Beneath Another Sky - Norman Davies A world tour of countries subsumed by the colonial West and the ways they’re rebuilding after. - diverse nations and peoples covered - warning: colonial mindsets 1491 - Charles C. Mann An examination of what is known about pre-contact life in the Americas, versus what has often been taught and believed. - Indigenous subject matter - warning: racists, genocide

The Great Believers - Rebecca Makkai Yale is trying for a bequest to his gallery while navigating a relationship and watching his friends die of AIDS. Thirty years later, Fiona is searching for her daughter and reckoning with how Yale’s friend-group has affected her life. - largely 🏳️‍🌈 cast, Jewish protagonist, Jewish secondary character, Black secondary character - warning: deaths from AIDS, period-typical homophobia, including apathy and hate crimes

Books and Libraries - Andrew Scrimgeour, ed. A collection of poetry dedicated to the love of books.

The World We Make - N.K. Jemisin The boroughs of New York thought they’d fought their biggest battle, but then a populist politician comes to town. - ensemble cast containing Black, Indigenous, Indian, Latina, and 🏳️‍🌈 protagonists, Black author, #ownvoices for Blackness

Don't Fear the Reaper - Stephen Graham Jones Jade Jennifer Daniels returns to Proofrock the week a serial killer escapes in a blizzard. Out in February. - Blackfoot protagonist, Indigenous secondary characters, Black secondary character, disabled secondary characters, Blackfoot author, #ownvoices for Blackfoot representation - warning: death, gore, animal death

Grumpy New Year - Katrina Moore with Xindi Yan (illustrator) Daisy’s going to China to visit her Yeh-Yeh for Lunar New Year! Daisy should have slept—but she didn’t. - Chinese cast

The Golden Spoon - Jessa Maxwell Six contestants, two hosts, one world-famous baking show. And a body. Out in March. - ensemble cast containing Black, Latina, neurodivergent, and 🏳️‍🌈 characters

Reread:

The Jolly Christmas Postman - Allan Ahlberg with Janet Ahlberg (illustrator) A postman delivers Christmas mail to the fairy tale and nursery rhyme residents of his village.

Currently reading:

A Killing In Costumes - Zac Bissonnette Jay and Cindy just got an offer that might save their movie memorabilia business. Unfortunately, their competitor has turned up dead and that might sink everything. - 🏳️‍🌈 protagonists

The Penguin Complete Sherlock Holmes - Arthur Conan Doyle Victorian detective stories - major disabled character
 - warning: colonialism, racism


Stats


Monthly total: 9
 Yearly total: 145 + 2
 Queer books: 1
 Authors of colour: 2
 Books by women: 5
 Canadian authors: 0
 Off the TBR shelves: 2
 DNFs: 0

January February March April May June July August September October November

[minnarr]

hey there! i hope that you’re doing well:D

this is. a weird thing to ask, and potentially time consuming, so by all rights feel free to ignore.

so, i found you through ao3 (your solo works are just— absolutely perfect, now i have the urge to rewatch the movie for the umpteenth time😂), and it says in your bio that you studied a history and literature degree.

so i’m in high school, and i… will have to apply to universities in a couple months, but i don’t actually know what i’d like to study. i know that i want to be a teacher (different from an office job, i know), and being a history teacher sounds like something that i’d be happy with/hopefully fairly good at. but— well, only one person in my family has ever completed a degree, and it was a business degree lol. i don’t know anyone who studies history and can’t attend open days (i live in the southern hemisphere, planning to study in the northern).

so— if it’s not too much trouble, this is me asking what it’s like? (i’m only familiar with high school history, and my country’s education standards are definitely behind places like the uk, so i don’t even know if that counts for much - we do a lot of worksheets and write some essays, with minimal reading/notes.)

i know that english lit isn’t something i’d be interested in - do i love writing? with all my heart. do i enjoy literary analysis? …not really - but history is something that i’ve been wondering about, and what i think i’ll apply for when i have to.

i really just want to know more about it. for example, there’s something called… historiography, i think, that’s come up in my research? people who studied history seem to detest it, but is it a) as horrible as all that and b) a huge part of the curriculum? what sort of tasks did you do for the history part of your degree: was it, assignments, essay writing, etc? is there a lot of reading? what sort of things can you do with a history degree (if teaching doesn’t work out, i don’t know if there’s a demand for history teachers as there is for maths, for example) — and would you recommend it?

is it a difficult degree, or one of the easier ones, or somewhere in between? and— oof, i know this is an awfully specific thing to ask, but what would a typical task or assessment have looked like? no specifics, ofc, this is the internet, but like… for example, an assessment we did last year was “write a source-based essay on what extent the new deal was successful” — could i have some kind of description like that, if you remember?

again— no pressure to answer! this is a very long and kind of all-over-the-place ask, and i don’t want to take this much time from someone i don’t know— i’m just curious, and in a bit of a panic as the application dates draw closer lol. but again, no pressure (and also — thank you for sharing your fics with us! your qi’ra voice is amazingly on point, and you write everyone from solo in a way that makes me think you went into the gffa and met them all)

i can only answer with my own experience: i went to a smallish university in the US, with a very small history program that isn't exactly the college's focus but had some excellent professors.

i had no idea people seem to detest historiography—anon, i think it's so neat. that's where history really came alive for me. historiography is just studying how history is/has been written. sources, methods, lenses, ways the consensus has changed. one of the capstone courses in my program was a theory class where we had to write a historiography paper over the course of the semester, and i got so much out of that. this isn't quite a historiography, but if you want to get fired up about the process of history, may i recommend silencing the past by michel-rolph trouillot? it's part about how history is made (and places in the process where voices get left out), part history, with a dash of biography, shortish and extremely readable.

i really can't answer to whether it's a huge part of the curriculum where you'll end up—curriculums vary where I'm from, and my particular school didn't place much emphasis on theoretical grounding—but imo it's important to understand not only what happened but how we came to our current understanding, how we can continue to try to understand the past.

once i got to upper level courses (again: US; the last two years of our four year degree, roughly, focus on our actual major), the emphasis was entirely on reading and writing essays. i had one teacher who gave exams, and lectures of course, but essays formed the bulk of my big grades. there is sooooo much reading. so much. i never quite learned to read at that volume, and more ended up learning the art of the productive skim. i wrote an apparently good paper on the communist manifesto and hard times having read maybe 30% of hard times. probably don't be me.

i have no idea about the job prospects for history majors; i never intended to do history as a profession, only as a thing worth learning along the way of just getting Any Bachelor's Degree. i work in accounting now and am perfectly happy with that.

re, difficulty and assessment, again i suspect that this is going to vary in the US and be next to useless if you're looking at, say, the UK. but i can describe my experience! i would not call my program difficult, largely because it played to my strengths (I'm a good essay writer) and gave me a ton of flexibility—few required courses, and my degree required non-history electives so my lit minor basically fit into that space. (i don't know if there's a point to doing a minor, but i was already deeply in the lit major social space).

the typical class structure in my upper levels was that we'd have assigned readings and lectures or in-class discussions, then about three papers scattered through the course of the semester. most of these were based on the assigned reading, just to assess how we used and analyzed what we were given. the only variation on this was my capstone classes, both of which were built around writing a research paper by the end of the semester, and the two classes that made us do an interview and write an "oral history." (scare quotes because i really don't know much about the methods of actual oral history).

so one professor would say, "using documents xyz and book a [all assigned readings], discuss Topic. i want to see you discuss authorship of the documents and these facets of the topic." with another prof, in the communist manifesto/hard times paper mentioned above, we were asked to discuss how these sources approached the "social question" in 19th century Europe, and given some suggestions to help us think about it.

also worth noting: i don't know how it is elsewhere, but my understanding is that with my undergraduate degree, i am definitely not ready to actually be a professional historian. if i wanted to, it would be a base to build on with graduate work, where you learn to actually *do* history.

i don't know if any of this is helpful to you, but best of luck, and i hope you land somewhere you're content with! and also, i am glad you enjoyed the fics.

[csykora]

Hi! Hope you’re well. I started reading your story? essay? on AO3 and just wanted to clarify…is this fiction or nonfiction? I know you said you did research so it seems it’s based on real events.

Thank you.

It's nonfiction! It's just a write-up of the real events. Since there aren't any books/summaries of the events widely available, I started sharing all of it, and hopefully one day it will become a historical nonfiction book of some kind. I originally started posting it here (my pinned post), and then made it available on AO3 under the meta category because of AO3's more searchable and readable format for people who have trouble reading the length of the tumblr post.

(The silly title makes this confusing, I'm sure--it's just the working title from my draft, because I needed something to amuse me and anything more serious sounded pretentious!)

If you would like more detail on any event, or my research sources for anything in particular, let me know.

[cryptid-kay]

How I Write

BEHOLD another post about writing.

I actually had this idea a while ago, but wasn't sure exactly how to go about it. Still aren't so we're just gonna put it all here and hopefully it's readable.

So how I write.

The backstory [skip if you want]:

During my college years, I had a wonderful professor in my advanced comp class who introduced us to the idea that we all wrote differently. Not just in words, but in process. This idea was revolutionary. Why? Because I grew up with the whole "you must outline on paper your essay and write for me all the bullet points and I must SEE how you're going to logically make this make sense before you ever begin."

I hated it. Hated essays.

Then this random man who always wore bowties on Wednesdays and shamelessly pushed us to do our best, not to meet deadlines or grades, appeared in my life. Sorry, no, he wasn't the doctor, but bowties ARE still cool.

What I learned, however, is that every person has a different process. I specifically, for essays, draft in my head, sometimes I sticky note draft for multiple sources, and then I write it all down and revise. Some of my classmates would just write it down and revise over and over and over.

But this is all background, because what I want to talk about specifically is my process of novelling. I have lots of people ask me how I can churn out a 50-100K novel in about 1-2 months, and my goal with this post is to both answer that, and also to remind people that my process does not have to be your process. [end of backstory]

So this is how I write.

Conception of the Idea This is the part that I can't really attribute a process to. Inspiration and ideas come to me in various ways. Short stories are easiest because I can just take a trip into pinterest and find a few interesting images which inspire me to write, but for novels, the idea really needs to stick. I wish I could outline a process here as this is probably the part most authors struggle with, but unfortunately...I just listen to lots of music, read lots of books, and scroll pinterest a lot and sometimes I get an idea.

Planning/Plotting THIS however, this part I can begin to explain. So, I have an idea. It's a good one. I'm going to say this now: I do not usually know how my books are going to end when I start writing. I do not plot. Except I do. My process for planning is one of two: The first: I do not plan anything except preliminary details (i.e. MC's name, role in the story, who the major characters are, first point of conflict). Once I have these I will write a scene and then another scene and I let the character's drive the story. This works well when I'm embarking on a really large project that I want to explore but am not 100% sure I can commit to, and for original fiction this is usually the route I go to discover if an idea will stick. The second: This is a process I tend to use for "stuck" ideas or more fleshed out ones. I also use this during rewriting and would like to use it more during my real writing and I find it eases some of the pitfalls of the more pantser method I had been using. In this second method I will begin with my stakes, my characters, and their motivations. Decide who wants what and what stands in the way of it. This is best done after fleshing out my characters, but can be applied to characters I haven't fully explored as it grants a starting point. Once I've nailed down the stakes, I figure out first how my MC is going to react, then how this is going to get them into trouble. Basically creating for myself a method of raising the stakes through the story. Subplots often crop up here, and sometimes parallel stories. After I finish all of this planning, this is where I start the writing. 3. Drafting Alright, this is where the process gets funnn. This is where we start writing. My process here is pretty simple. I will take a day or two to plan out a chapter in my head. Then I put it on paper. Sometimes it comes out different, but usually as long as I adhere to the major beats of the story, everything is fine. This also helps me break up my stories into chapters that flow into one another. I almost always leave off a chapter either after a major event, in the middle of one, or setting up for one. I treat them like mini short stories of about 2-3K with something important happening in each, even if it's importance isn't clear until the end of the story. I write linearly, so that means start to finish, but by planning out and then writing, I can usually complete a chapter in a writing session. (I plan to write about an hour on my writing days). I admit I do not write daily. I find it burns me out, but I do swap between planning days and writing days, and if I get an idea, I'll write notes. This process is both the simplest, and takes the longest, usually around 30-60 days for about 50-100K. This is in part due to the speed of my writing (around 50-75 wpm), and the fact I plan so I have a clear vision of my chapters before I write them making the writing process faster for me. It also prevents me from burning out so I can write more in a condensed period of time. 4. Revising - Round One I found after rewriting Half Crown last year a new method of revision, which requires some tedium, but ultimately I enjoyed it and am working it into my process. It begins with, while the book is either being alpha read, or just sitting in my folders, I go through the whole book and make a spreadsheet. This spreadsheet is a chapter by chapter breakdown of scenes including: the summary of the scene, characters present, motives, and the major stakes. I also sometimes add notes for things I want to change. This scene breakdown for me was really useful because I could see an easy to read cohesive breakdown, and as a I was summarizing I could find area's to improve the impact of later scenes, current scenes, or spot inconsistencies I'd accidentally worked in. It also helped me keep motive solid thorughout

[collsfilmblog]

Blog Post -Pre - Production for Scene recreation and Tableau 

Hello film chat! I am going to be entirely honest and say I need something to procrastinate my essay for comms and practice. I have been writing little entries into a doc every once in a while describing my thoughts. This is me putting it together in a readable form so I can feel productive.

Film Narrative 1 - Tableau Film 2

For this film, we had to use one of the two page scripts we had written earlier in the semester. 

Production meeting 1

After a meeting with Sean to explore which script we should use, we sat down as a group and went through all the practical logistics of turning the scripts into films. Not which one would be easiest, but which did we think was realistic. After going through all the pros and cons of the scripts we narrowed it down to 3 before doing an anonymous vote. My script “Walk Out” was voted for by the group due to the location being quite simple, but still requiring us to make contact with locations, and the most potential for interesting movement and sound without moving the camera (criteria for the assignment). I’m happy people liked my script and wanted to use it, it was a bit of a confidence boost as I’ve never been all that sure if I had any screenwriting capabilities. However, responsibility also lands on me, what if the dialogue is cringe? What if actors hate it? Or even worse, the audience hates it. Or even EVEN worse, the lecturers hate it? Our past films have gone down pretty well in terms of feedback but I’ve not had much creative input for them so I don't want to ruin the reputation of Group 3 as everyone in it is so talented. Anyway I need to chill it with the doubt as Sean seemed to quite like it as well as my group so hopefully it’s gonna go okay!

Meeting 1.5

David, Cliona, and I met up to discuss the Script of the project as Cole and Dylan were unavailable. We went over some actions in the scene and changed them to make it more interesting (as well as easier to film in one shot). I think David and Cliona definitely improved the script and I'm very happy with it. Script -

We also drafted up a casting call for actors as most of us either don’t want to act or are busy doing something else. Dylan is usually keen to be an actor but he hasn't had much of a chance to do any hands-on camera or sound work other than in out 8 shot film so I wanted to make sure he was behind the camera on these shoots.

Cliona also made this poster to put up in the Merchiston campus -

Production Meeting 2

Group 3 met up as a whole to discuss the film and get the ball rolling. We had discussed what roles everyone wanted to do beforehand so really just finalised them and we ended up with

David - Director

Coll - Producer/Writer

Cliona - Sound

Cole - Cinematography 

Dylan - 1st AC/production designer.

We got onto locations and looked at quite a few before settling on The Voyage of the Buck, a bar near to Haymarket where Cole’s family goes quite often. We hoped the loyalty might sway the decision, and when we asked they seemed pretty keen to let us film in their alleyway! Yay!

We also started looking at scenes for our final scene recreation. We initially didn’t have many ideas, only being able to come up with Spud’s interview in Trainspotting and the library scene from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. I don't know why but I just went entirely braindead when my group asked me for suggestions. A film student who can't think of movies they like?? What am I doing here!!! But eventually, ideas started flowing and between us, we’d come up with many ideas. After watching through them all and going over pros and cons we circled back to our strongest picks, Trainspotting and Eternal Sunshine. We chose Trainspotting because it seemed manageable whilst still being a challenge. (psst. Group 3, it’s me from the future… don’t do it!! We haven’t even filmed and it's already causing so much trouble, who knew finding an empty hall would be so difficult!?)

We also settled on roles which was pretty much the same as Walk Out but Dylan is doing sound and Cliona is doing production design.

Things I had to do for both shoots 

-Risk assessment

-Book kit

-Location (although everyone has done location)

-Call sheets

-Organise more meetings

-Permission forms from locations and and actors.

I’ve got a shopping list of kit from Cole and David so I’m going to try and make sure its booked early so we can get everything they want.

Risk Assessments 

I visited the Voyage of the Buck and the City Cafe to try and scope out any risks that may be present. 

Voyage of the buck poses much more risks with cobbled roads, traffic and the weather. 

The City Cafe is nowhere near as hazardous but there is still risk of tripping and moving around in a tight space. We’ve also had confirmation from both locations that we are allowed to film which is great!! Now we just need time to find our interview room for the scene recreation…

Risk assessment for Voyage of the Buck and the City Cafe -

(very sorry Andrew, I only realised today when you said that you needed to put different locations of different risk assessments... Sorry!!!!!!!)

[the-art-librarian]

So these are very different paintings, but I was wondering if you had anything for Albert Aublet's Selene, or R. B. Kitaj's The Wedding. Love the blog, btw

This one made me think of Fatoumata Kébé, unfortunately her books don’t (yet?) exist in English :( She's a French astrophysicist who has a PhD from the Institute of Celestial Mechanics in Paris, she's written two books so far and both are love letters to the moon—literally for one of them, it's called Lettres à la lune. The other one, La lune est un roman, is more scientific (but very readable) while Lettres is about the moon in literature and poetry. They were both published recently, hopefully they'll get an English translation at some point!

I’m also reminded of Mary Ruefle’s essay Poetry and the Moon, from her collection Madness, Rack and Honey—I recommend the whole book :)

It has been noted many times that there are more sad poems than happy poems in this world, and [...] I would guess that the moon occurs more frequently than the sun as an image in lyric poetry. And I wonder, why? I could start with a dozen reasons: insomnia; [...] or the fact most of the poems in this world have supposedly been written by heterosexual men, who desire women, and the moon is embodied, in so many languages, as a woman.

[Moreover] there is a greater contrast between the moon and the night sky than there is between the sun and the daytime sky. And this contrast is more conducive to sorrow, which always separates or isolates itself, than it is to happiness, which always joins or blends. And to stand face-to-face with the sun is preposterous—it would blind you. The moon has no light of its own; our apprehension of it is but a reflection of the sun. And some believe artists reflect the creative powers of some original impulse too great to name.

At first I thought this one should be some sort of family saga, with lots of characters and events spanning decades, something like Charles Lewinsky’s Melnitz—but then the messiness of it and the wedding theme made me think of Isaac Singer’s Enemies: A Love Story. Singer’s short stories also feel quite like this. I prefer Melnitz and would recommend it more heartily but that’s because I really enjoy big hefty books, that let you spend a lot of time within the same story and in the company of the same characters.

[bantarleton]

what are the good military histories of the American Revolution?

@ivan-fyodorovich My go-to for a “standard” military history of the American Revolution is Hugh Bicheno’s Rebels and Redcoats. Detailed without being laboured, it gives air time to just about everything you need to know without becoming a multi-volume epic. Despite being a little on the dated side now it also still has a sufficiently “modernist” slant and still fits well with more recent literature on the war.

Would also recommend David McCullough’s 1776. It does only deal with that pivotal year, and some academics turn their nose up at it because it’s very much readable “popular” history. In my opinion there’s nothing wrong with that though as long as the research is solid, and McCullough’s definitely is.

On a similar note, Rick Atkinson’s The British Are Coming is the most recent “big” book on the Revolution. It won the Pulitzer Prize and is very readable indeed. Again, I’ve no qualms with its overall quality and would definitely recommend it. It deals with the years 1775 - 1777, but there are sequels in the works.

The Spirit of ‘Seventy-Six is also essential reading - its a large collection of primary sources backed up by short essays contextualising each in turn. It covers everything from the Boston massacre to British grand strategy, and is invaluable for digging deeper into the subject of the war without becoming too focussed on one particular aspect.

Lastly, I’d add After Yorktown by Don Glickstein. Two years of world war followed the 1781 siege, and this book gives them the coverage that almost all others neglect.

Hopefully that gives a solid basis of reading for the RevWar. After that it depends on what particular topic you’re interested in.