#horrified pandora was not a SINGLE one

[justanamesstuff]

Chapter 4

Seasons

Matty Healy x f!reader

A/N: SURPRISE!! Idk what got into me today but i finally edited this!! I hope you like it...sorry for the delay :)♥

Warnings: ANGST, also fluffy feelings hehe, typos.

Word count: 4,9 K

MASTERLIST TAGLIST

< Chapter 3

LA, USA

After the chat with Y/n, Matty was even more restless. Something woke up that night, some kind of strange feeling. Anger? Happiness? He wasn’t sure even though it kept him awake for the rest of the nights after. Matty couldn’t put a name to the sensation driving him insane day by day. The knife in the middle of his chest kept him company during Christmas dinner watching Y/n actively enjoy the holidays with the boys and Matty’s parents. 

His mind was constantly thinking about the night he met Y/n and the car ride. Why did he tell her those stupid things? Why? What’s the point? Did he make her uncomfortable? Yes, he noticed. He was so stupid.

The purpose of that night was to talk about the problem –even when he still didn't know if they had. No, he had to go and tell Y/n that a relationship with her would be amazing. Which he was convinced of, but still. First thing first, he had a girlfriend. Why suddenly it was so hard to remember that? Secondly, Y/n was his best friend. Those sayings and feelings belong in the past, when he was so in love with her. He got over those, right?

Matty felt exhausted. He only talked about this with himself. Who could he trust this? George? He loved G, although Matty couldn’t risk his friend telling Y/n about it. G had all of his trust, but his heart was deeply scared driving him to choose to keep the secret to himself only.

Matty couldn’t even think about the possibility of her knowing. The singer believed that Y/n would be so shocked and horrified. Then, who? Ross? Adam? Maybe. How do you bring a topic like this up without making a fool of yourself? Well, he was already one.

Matty returned to LA. Work demanded a lot of him: his strength, attention, and so much more. On top of that, he was in a relationship. Why was it so hard to remember that? Well, no, he didn’t forget. Only his full attention was elsewhere and Nadia wasn’t stupid. She noticed.

At first, she thought work was the cause, but her sixth sense told her something else was happening. Something else was troubling her boyfriend. Why did Matty go from being so thoughtful to be slightly distant and cold? Was she being clingy? They came from a pandemic, a lockdown, from living every single day and –almost– hour of the day together; to being kilometres apart. It was reasonable. Or she wanted to convince herself that it was normal. Especially when she was arriving in LA to visit him that week. That was going to help.

Matty tried his best to pass his free time with Nadia those days. He had to redeem her for his behaviour. He loved Nadia. 

———————————————————————————————————–

January, Ireland.

For most people, the end of the holiday season was a bummer. Y/n agreed it was kind of sad, because it is a season full of colours and happiness, on the other hand starting a new year comes with a feeling of fresh start.

After the conversation with Matty, Y/n was adamant to keep moving forward and left the clouds full of dark feelings away, in the past year. Or she was really trying to. Sometimes, Matty was a pandora box for her, one she really wanted to understand and crack open. She couldn’t understand the boy, his motivation to say this or that. Maybe Y/n was overthinking and he was only joking. But what if…? She couldn’t stop herself from thinking about the “what if’s”. What if she let him kiss her that night? 

Her belly flopped with the solo thought of it. What if she never accepted his offer to drink with the whole gang? What if…? What if he had feelings for her? No, that couldn’t be right. Apart from that night, Matty never gave her any sign to think otherwise. Or maybe she didn’t notice? No. She had to stop. She couldn’t think about him like that.

The “what if’s” had to stop. The distance will help, although Matty made her promise to not disappear again. And that was another challenge for Y/n because she succeeded when she was away from him without contact, but now would be different. Yeah, she agreed it wasn’t a good solution. It did work for a month but the moment Y/n saw Matty…everything collapsed. Didn’t matter, she must keep the promise to herself.

Not everything in her life was awful. 

Y/n returned to the place that brought so much peace to her life right at the moment. Which was kind of funny because she got stressed from work a lot, but it also made her very happy. Y/n returned to Ireland after that hectic, torrid couple of weeks. As soon as she dropped her bag, Lily updated her about the party and the whole staff shenanigans, also about Tom. She even teased Y/n about him.

Y/n had to talk with Tom about the date, arrange the details. 

A couple of days went by since she arrived and Y/n still didn’t say a word, neither did Tom. He was waiting. He didn’t want Y/n to think he was a creep or something. Y/n had other reasons. 

At the same time, Tom was a wonderful human being, very handsome. Those blue eyes drove her crazy in the best way possible. She had to find a person she fancied, someone who wanted her as well. Well, Tom was definitely the boy. Not because she was that confident, just because he let her know and Lily kept saying that she believed it.

Thing is, she was still heartbroken. Y/n’s heart was broken. She was sure that Tom would never do something to hurt her on purpose, but the heart was never rational and when it got hurt it was difficult to make it trust again. So, yeah, Y/n had a dilemma between her hands. She needed a little time.

“What are you overthinking now?” a sleepy Lily entered the kitchen, where Y/n was making a cup of tea and scrolling through Instagram at the same thing.

“Good afternoon to you too.” Y/n joked.

“Yeah, yeah.” Lily waved her hand around, trying to shut up her friend. “Whatcha doin’?”

“Nothing really, Instagram.” Y/n informed her, refreshing the page.

“What a boring day. I hate Sundays.” Lily stated, sitting at the kitchen table.

“Yeah.” Y/n said without really paying attention.

“Could you make me a cup too? Please.” Lily said in a sweet voice. Y/n looked at her, letting her phone fall on the table.

“Yeah, of course.”

Lily took Y/n’s phone and refreshed the page once more. How boring the internet became with the pandemic, ha? 

While Y/n finished pouring the drink, she heard Lily gasping a little too loud. Which startled Y/n.

“What?” she turned around.

“You don’t want to watch this.” Lily warned her.

“I do now.” Y/n tried to reach for her phone but Lily pushed it further away.

“Y/n! No.”

“Lilly-Rose!” Y/n said, giving her friend an angry look, warning her. “Give me my phone.”

“Fine but, for the record, I warned you.”

Y/n took the phone with her heart beating in her ears.  When the pictures reached her eyes, all the blood on her head fell towards her feet. She took a seat beside Lily.

Matty uploaded a picture of Nadia, with a subtle but loving caption. It was the first picture he posted of her ever. The likes were blowing as well as the comments. She kept scrolling and a picture of Matty in the same place appeared. Yeah, she followed Nadia on Instagram. Y/n left the phone on the table slowly. Then, she looked up at Lily, who had been staring at her waiting for a reaction.

“What?”

“Y/n…”

“What?”

“I- You- “

“No, I don’t care.” Y/n tried to state firmly but her voice broke a little at the end..

“Y/n.” her friend insisted.

“Lily, stop, I don’t care. He is my friend. He has a girlfriend, a so pretty one…fuck me!”

“You’re prettier.” Lily told her, which made Y/n laugh.

“Thanks for cheerleading me, L. I feel fifteen all over again.” she tried to joke.

“Y/n, I mean it.”

“Thanks, but- It doesn’t matter. He wants her, he is with her. And I don’t want him… like that any more.” she started passing around the kitchen.

Silence took a place between them. Y/n was deep in her inner battle, and Lily was pitying her a little. Y/n was more than her PA by now, she was her friend and Lily could tell Y/n was hurt. Yes, she was making such a good job coping with such difficult feelings but in the end, she was wounded.

“I don’t care.” Y/n stated out of the blue, more for herself than for anyone else.

“Keep repeating that… maybe next week you’ll convince your head.”

Y/n huffed. “That doesn’t help.”

“It doesn’t help that you avoid what you’re feeling, Y/n.”

“I’m no- “

“Don’t lie. Y/n, I fucking know it hurts to see them…”

Lily let her hand fall on Y/ns’s back, caressing her with affection. “Yes, it does. Fuck!”

“It’ll pass.”

“I’m trying so fucking hard, I’m exhausted.”

“Then stop trying.”

“What?!” Y/n looked at her dead in the eyes.

“I’m saying, stop trying. Maybe you’re trying too hard, maybe you have to let the universe decide.” Lily stopped, expecting a reaction getting nothing, so she continued. “What I’m trying to say is…don’t cover your feelings, you’re hurt right now, fine, well no, you get it. And then keep living your life, you have a lot of work to do- “

“Thanks for reminding me.” they chuckled.

“You have work and let me also remind you…you have a perfect boy waiting for the tiniest signal to let him know that you want to start something” Lily stated.

“I’m scared.” Y/n admitted.

“I know babe.” Lily’s face softened.

“I don’t want to waste Tom’s time”

“Shut up, he’s a grown-up. If he decides that he doesn’t want to build something with you, then he has the choice to leave. Same as you.”

“And that’s the scariest part.”

“Agh! I fucking know, okay? Just let yourself live a little. He is not going to hurt you like Matty, I’m 100% sure.”

“We don’t know that.” Y/n stared at her phone, replaying the pictures of Nadia and him. 

“We won’t know if you never try.”

“I don’t want to know if he is going to hurt me.”

“Y/n, could you stop worrying that much? You haven't had a single date. Oh god, you’re perfect for the industry…do you know?” Lily said.

“Shut up.”

“No, seriously. Give him the chance.”

“I- “

“Let me ask you a question, okay?”

“Yeah…”

“Forget about Matty and everything, just listen.” Lily told her, and Y/n obeyed. “Do you Y/n Y/L/N want to start something with Tom Blyth?” she asked. “No! No…don’t rush it!” Lily stopped Y/n when she saw her opening her mouth to speak. “Really think about it, and then give me the answer.”

Y/n took 2 minutes to do so. “This is stupid.” she shook her head.

“You’re stupid.” Lily teased her.

“Hey!”

“Well, the answer?”

“You know the answer!”

“Do I?”

“Yes.” Y/n answer barely out loud.

“Sorry, I didn’t hear you.”

“Yes!”

“Yes, what?” Lily grinded big.

“Yes, I want to go out with him.”

“Well, the question was to start a beautiful story of love and live forever happily, although… I think your answer is good.”

“You are an idiot.” Y/n laughed, moving closer to her friend, sharing a hug.

…………………………………………………………

Y/n was a morning kind of person. She liked to wake up before everybody. The world is quiet when you wake up early. The world around you, your world. She loved the feeling.

Even though she hated Monday mornings. They were hectic and chaotic. More if you have to get ready quickly to leave for the set, for work. This particular morning was different.

Y/n was excited and nervous too. She was excited to see Tom, and nervous because she was going to ask him about the date. She didn’t let herself worry if he was going to say yes or no or whatever. Y/n had to try. She had to move forward in her life. She owned it to herself.

By midday, Y/n was getting angrier and less nervous or. It was like the universe tried to say: wait a little bit, it’s not the moment. She was frustrated.

Lily and Y/n arrived at the set pretty early, they followed the schedule as planned. The girls bump into Tom at the makeup trailer where she had a moment with him alone, but someone called him. Y/n politely smiled and said nothing. Then, she tried between some breaks, but the rest of the cast were around so popping the question was almost impossible. She wanted to ask him so badly by midday.

After lunch, Y/n had a moment in Lily’s trailer to do some work. She knew moving papers and huffing between every two seconds was a very childish manner but the girl was frustrated. Y/n stood up, leaving all the paperwork aside ready to leave the trailer when the door opened. A worried Tom came inside through the open door. Y/n stopped in her tracks.

“This is the only way we’re going to be able to talk? In Lily’s trailer?” Tom asked nicely, teasing her, showing Y/n a warm smile.

“I was going to search for you right now.”

“Oh.” Tom said. His smile disappeared from his face. “Something happened?” he asked politely.

“Yes- No- I mean…” Y/n started. Tom waited for her to continue. “I’m sorry, I was trying to talk to you for most of the day and…”

“And something keeps getting in the way.”

“Exactly, did you notice, ha?” Y/n inquired, looking at him. Fuck, he is so handsome.

“Yeah, I- I first thought that you were angry at me…”

“What? No, no…it’s- no-”

“I know.”

“Can we start again? As if we just see each other today?” Y/n said laughing.

“Seriously?” Y/n nodded. “Okay, just let me- “ Tom got off the trailer, and seconds after he came back. “Hi, Y/n, how are you?” the actor tried as hard as he could keeping his laugh under control.

“Hi, Tom!” Y/n replied smiling. “I’m good, you?”

“Yeah, good! Now that I’m talking to you.” he said, making Y/n blushed.

“Oh, sweet.” she didn’t know what else to say. She had to ask him. “Tom?”

“Yeah?”

“Do you want to go on a date with me?” she simply said, and getting off a weight from her shoulders. “I mean, you asked me weeks ago, but- If you don’t it’s okay…”

“Yes!” he interrupted her. “Do you want to go today? I think we’re going to end pretty early so…”

“Yeah, that would be great!”

“Amazing! That’s all you were going to tell me? You’re not angry right? Just checking.” Tom asked.

“Yes, that was all. I’m not- I wasn’t angry at you, I was frustrated that we couldn’t talk.”

“Mm okay, glad we did. See you after the last scene?”

“Are we heading right after? I wanted to change clothes. I’m looking like a mess…”

“You always look beautiful, Y/n.” Tom admitted.

“You’re too kind.” Y/n replied shyly.

“Not really.” they chuckled. “I mean it though.”

“Okay.” Y/n nodded, blushing.

“Okay.”

“See you in a couple of hours.”

“See you.”

Tom left the trailer, leaving a very happy Y/n. A very content with herself Y/n. This was one more step in the right direction. She was excited.

………………………………………………

Lily was waiting for Y/n’s return from the date. They left at 5 pm and until that moment Y/n had been gone for 5, almost 6 hours. Which indicated the date was going perfectly? Yeah, she was sure of that. Y/n and Tom were meant to be, they would make a cute couple.

Lily almost jumped from the couch when she heard the front door unlocked. A delighted Y/n came into the living room.

“Hi.” Y/n said, breathlessly.

“Spill the tea, queen!”

“What are you doing awake? Don’t you have lines to memorise?”

“I already did. Now talk.” Lily bounced on her seat.

“What?” Y/n sat beside her friend.

“Y/n, drop it!” Lily warned her.

“Okay, okay. I’m sorry.” Y/n apologised. “What do you want to know?”

“Mm everything?!” Lily exclaimed. She laughed about Lily’s reaction.

“We went to a beautiful café downtown. We talked about everything and nothing, we thought that the place was amazing…I mean, they had books everywhere- “

“Please, don’t tell me you only read.” Lily pledged.

“Course not! As I was saying the place was amazing- “

“Yeah, yeah, don’t care about that. Did you kiss?” Lily inquired, Y/n blushed.

“We talked a lot, you know him. He’s so sweet and caring. We chat about everything you could think about…”

“Amazing, I’m so happy. Did you kiss?”

“Omg, Lily, didn’t you want to know about everything?”

“Yes, everything means…did you kiss?”

“We ended up leaving the café because Tom told me about this park really close by, and we went there. The talk continued forever while we stroll by- “ Y/n ignored Lily’s ask once more.

“You’re totally doing this on purpose.” Y/n’s friend folded her arms together in annoyance.

“We strolled by the park and when we realised the hour, Tom offered to walk me here. So, we did.” she made a little pause. “He left after we kissed.” Y/n smiled wide with the last part.

“What?!” Lily screamed, looking astonished at Y/n.

“Didn’t you want to know that?”

“Omg, is he a good kisser? How do you feel? THIS IS AMAZING!” Lily continued, excited, making Y/n smile even more.

“He is. I’m feeling on cloud nine” Y/n admitted. “I don’t remember when was the last time I felt like this.”

“This is so cute. See? I told you!”

“Shut up.”

“No, seriously. I want to be your maid of honour, okay?”

“And I’m the one that exaggerates?” Y/n teased her.

“I’m so happy for you, babe! You deserve someone like Tom.”

“I’m so happy too!”

“So, are you going to see him again?”

“He did ask me on another date, we planned to have a picnic at the park we went today…he said that it’s prettier with daylight.”

“Aww, cute. I love the idea.”

“Me too, I…I can’t believe this.” Y/n pushed herself back on the couch, hiding her face behind her hands.

“Believe it my friend! YOU DESERVE IT Y/N Y/L/N!!” Lily accentuated every word.

“I know.” y/n agreed. Finally feeling happy. .

———————————————————————————————————

A month later…

After a couple of days, weeks really, with his friend, Adam could easily tell that Matty was stressed about something. The guitarist attached it to the mental requirement Matty was under with the album.

Adam reached a point where he subtly tried to convince Matty to rest so many times but the frontman was beating himself up working out almost constantly as long as working. When he wasn’t at the studio, he was at the gym the Airbnb had and when he wasn’t there he was writing new songs. 

A bunch of nights, Adam found Matty at the kitchen table balancing his attention between his guitar, a very worn out notebook and a cup of wine or whiskey.

Adam wasn’t stupid, he could figure something was happening really. For the longest he attached it to the long months in lockdown, some kind of post trauma symptom. That hypothesis left his mind after only one week of keeping his attention closer to his friend. 

They fought a bunch of times. George and Ross tried to interfere, but the boys explained that it was something between them, and only them. Adam started to think that maybe it was more about Tom vs Tom himself. Again, he was worried.

Weeks kept passing by and Adam got nothing out of Matty, which got him fed up with the situation. He didn’t want to push the singer too much, but Matty had to stop that behaviour. It wasn’t healthy.

“Fine, I’m going to work out for a little.” Matty said, seconds after they entered the rented house after a very long day at the studio. They were left alone when the guys decided to stay behind for a few more hours working on other projects. 

“Matty.” Adam said in a warning tone.

“Do you have a problem with that?” Matty spat at him.

“Actually, yes, I have.” Adam stared at him with bored eyes.

“Oh, really?” Matty opened his posture, coming closer to where his friend stood closer to the front door. 

“You know what I think. I know- “ Adam tried to maintain the calm, something difficult after weeks of the same shit.

“You know nothing.” Matty Interrupted his bandmate, in a bitter tone.

“Then, explain it to me, talk to me. Fuckin’ tell me what keeps you like this, mate!” Adam shouted, losing his cool a little.

Matty studied his red face after saying, “Fuck off, Adam.”

The singer turned around, heading to the gym. Adam followed him. “No, thank you. Matty- “

“Which part of fuck off, leave me alone… you don’t understand dickhead?”

“Matty, I don’t give a fuck about your swearing. I’m done with this childish behaviour. You can’t beat yourself just for work.” Adam tried to reason with his best friend, who scoffed at the comments. Matty started working out, hoping that Adam leaves him with his thoughts.

“You know nothing- “

“Give me one reason to let you continue with this-” Adam moved his hands in the air, trying to find a word to Matty’s behaviour. He couldn’t. “Well, whatever you’re dealing with.” he ended up placing his hands on both sides of his hips, which reminded him when their mothers scolded them.

“I- I’m- No, there’s nothing. Adam, please.” Matty tried to persuade him.

“Agh!” Adam  covered his face in annoyance. “I know that working after a lot of time off triggers you, more so now with the pandemic which made our routine all different. Still, you can’t continue like this. I’ve been here for two or three weeks and it’s insane, you’re stressing yourself beyond any human toleration.” Adam passed around the gym, meanwhile Matty sat on the floor, watching him rant. “This is insane.”

“Have you finished?” Matty asked cockily.

“Yes, I think- Yeah.” Adam answered, gazing down at Matty.

“Thanks. Now you can leave.” 

“What? Are you serious?” Adam almost screamed.

“Yes.”

“You’re a fucking child sometimes. Do I have to call Denise?”

“What? No, why?” Matty avoided his stunned gaze.

“You- Ah- I- Didn’t you listen to me?” Adam asked, almost speechless.

“Yes”

“Then?”

“I thank you. I don’t want to fight any more. Please, please, leave me the fuck alone.”

“Fine! You don’t leave me another option.” Adam turned around, going through the door. A little idea crept into his mind. “I’ll call Y/n- “

“No!” Matty ran quicker than ever before in his short life after his friend. “No, no!” he started to repeat, but Adam was gone. 

Matty reached the living room just seconds after Adam took the phone out from his pocket.

“Oh, yes.” Adam said, unlocking it.

“Hann, no- stop…STOP!” Matty whined. The tone of his voice made the guitarist stop.

“What?” he asked, intrigued now.

“Don’t call Y/n. I- I’ll- “ Adam was surprised to watch Matty so desperately, trying to speak clearly, failing miserably.

“You will…?”

“No, fuck.”

“Fine, I’m calling her.” Adam continued, searching for Y/n’s contact.

“NO! Hann!” Matty started to scream “I’ll talk with you! Okay?! I promise!”

“Really? That's all I had to do? Threaten you to call Y/n?” Adam inquired. 

“Yes- I mean, no- Could you put your phone aside?” the singer asked nicely, a request that Hann obeyed. “Fine, sit.” he obeyed again. “I’m dealing with something, well, not something. I don’t even know how to name it…” Matty started to walk around the couch in circles.

“Then what?” Adam shyly asked. He didn’t want to interrupt too much, in fear of Matty’s reaction.

“It’s not about work.”

“Then what?” 

“Are you going to repeat that over and over again?”

“Well, no, if you say something that makes sense.”

“Fine. Where to start?” Matty set his sight far from Adam, thinking. “Do you know that Y/n was angry with me the last time I went home?”

“Mm no. She seemed pretty happy when I saw her.” Hann admitted.

“Well, she got angry. She didn’t really tell me why, I got angry at her because she started to ignore me. The next day we talk, but we don’t actually talk- “

Adam pushed forward, waiting for the worst scenario. “Wait, you don’t talk? Then what did you do?” 

“No, not that! For God’s sake, mate!” Matty pinched the bridge of his nose, trying to gather his thoughts. 

“Okay, go on.”

“Well, we talked and everything is fine…and not at the same time.” Matty ran his hands through his hair, anxiously.

“What do you mean?” Adam felt very lost.

“That’s what I don’t know…I said a bunch of stupid things, that I still believe and made me feel some- something…” 

“What thing?”

“Feelings I thought were gone.”

“Like which ones?”

“You know which- “

“No, I don’t.”

“Hann.” 

“Matty…”

“I had a crush on Y/n when we met her.”

“Only that night?” Hann’s voice was full of sarcasm.

“That’s it.” Matty exclaimed, turning around ready to leave.

Adam stood in the middle of Matty’s way. “No, no.” Adam tried to stop him. “I’m not, I just- Please, keep going, mate.”

Matty took a step back, “Okay, yes, I had a crush on her that night and after that…for a while. But- “

Adam waited patiently.

“But she is my best friend”

“And?”

“She is amazing”

“She is. And?”

“And?”

“And what is the problem with that?”

“She’s not the problem. She never was. I’m the problem. Fuck.” Matty expressed passing again. “The thing is- I have- I had those feelings, which I got over them. Although, now after that talk- “

“What did you say that night?”

“I told her I think that if something happened between us it would be…I think that it would be amazing.” Matty watched as Hann's face changed completely.. 

“Wait a minute, you said what? You have a girlfriend!”

“Do you think I forgot? Fuck this a mess, or am I overreacting?” 

“This is a mess. Let me get this straight. You had feelings for her.” Adam waited for Matty’s nod to continue. “You got over those, or you thought that- “

“I got over those.”

“Aha…” Hann was suspicious that it was true. 

Matty noticed the doubt in his friend’s voice. “Not helping!” he warned him.

“Fine. You got over those. You hooked up with every woman possible…” the guitarist remembered, making Matty scoff. “I’m not judging you, I’m just saying.” They laughed. “After that, you started something with Nadia. Everything seems fine till Y/n gets angry?”

“This sounds so stupid. Did I mature?” 

“I mean…” Adam teased him.

“Okay, but no- Y/n’s my best friend. This is stupid, I’m stressed…”

“Mate, you are in love with Y/n since the first moment you watched her at the pub” Adam didn’t hesitate to say.

“What? No, I was- “

“You- “

“No, see? That’s why I didn’t want to talk to anyone. You don’t understand- “

“Do you understand what’s happening?” Hann crooked an eyebrow.

“Yes- No- But, I’m not.”

“You have to face it.”

“Fuck you, mate. I’m with Nadia.”

“That’s what made it a little more difficult.” 

“You’re such a great advisor…” It was Matty’s time to be sarcastic. He knew it was wrong, he was taking his anger with Adam. He knew he had to talk and let the truth out, but it also meant risking his relationship with Y/n and Nadia as well. The solo thought made him feel sick.

“I am.”

“You’re not.”

“I get why you’re so troubled…you have to- “

“Don’t fucking tell me what to do!” Matty got defensive again.

“You can shout and swear all you want, but…the reality is one. Your feelings are for one only.”

“I don’t have feelings for Y/n, she is my best friend. I’m- I’m only scared that our relationship breaks or something, she sometimes distanced from me and I don’t want to lose what we have. And I neither want to lose Nadia, I love her- “

“Not in the way you love Y/n.” Adam remarked. 

“No, she’s my girlfriend.”

“Your heart is elsewhere.”

“Why do you think you are right? You’re not by the way.” Matty started to walk away.

“Because I know I am…you just-“

“I know what I’m feeling!” he shouted without looking back.

“You said you don’t!”

“Well, I do now. Thank you, are you happy?” Matty dryly said.

“Not entirely, just a little.”

“I’m going to work out…as I wanted to do so.” 

“Yes, go in peace, mate!” Adam chuckled, watching his friend behave worse than his own child. The frontman left without saying anything more. 

.........................................................

Taglist: @hollybrislen @sinarainbows @eaglestar31 @sugarkane1001 @brittluvs1975

Chapter 5 >

[dilly-oh]

Pick-Up Lines

“Oh my GOD, how long does it take two grown men to pee?” Iruka groans to himself, balancing precariously on a rickety stool at the bar as he waits for Kotetsu and Izumo to return from their bathroom break. He sets down his soda (he’d been saddled with the role of designated driver) and glances over at the restroom in annoyance. “They’d better not be making out in there-”

“Excuse me,” someone says from behind. 

Iruka blinks, then turns and opens his mouth, readying his most ‘fuck off’ tone of voice for whoever dares disturb him.

‘Whoever’ turns out to be a stupidly hot guy with a shock of silver hair, stormy gray eyes, and the sexiest mole he’s ever seen perched on the corner of an even sexier mouth. Iruka instantly wants to bite it off.  

“…Yessss?” he manages, the tone of voice coming out more of a ‘fuck me’ with a little hint of ‘please’. 

“Sorry, can you help me out?” the guy asks, looking worried. “I dropped my phone and now I think it’s broken. Could you try calling to see if it works?”

“Oh. Yeah, sure.” Iruka takes out his phone. “What’s your number?” The man rattles it off and Iruka punches it in distractedly. It rings for a second, then picks up. “Hello?”

“I didn’t mention before, but I dropped my phone when I saw you.” 

Iruka stares at the guy for a full ten seconds, phone to his ear, completely deadpan. The guy gives him a flirty little wink.

“…You did NOT…just set me up like that,” Iruka says slowly, lowering his phone, “for a shitty pick-up line.” 

“That depends,” the guy replies. “Did it work?” 

“Absolutely not.” Iruka refuses to be won over by a cheesy pick-up line. He has standards. Even if the guy is stupid hot. “Seriously, is that the best you’ve got?”

“Oh no, I’ve got plenty more where that came from.” The guy clears his throat. “I ought to complain to Spotify for you not being named this week’s hottest single.”

“I use Pandora,” Iruka shoots back. “Try again.”

“Are you a library book? Cuz I’m checking you out.”

“Good God, do you have them all memorized?” Iruka is equal parts impressed and horrified. “How many do you have?”

“Oh, hundreds,” the guy answers, then barrels on. “Are you a parking ticket? Cuz you got ‘fine’ written all over you.”

“Heard that one before,” Iruka says, taking a sip of his drink.

“I’d like to take you to the movies, but they don’t let you bring your own snack.”

Iruka snorts into his Pepsi. The guy grins and tries again.

“Are you a loan? Because you have my interest.” 

“I have student loan debt. Triggered.” 

“If you were a Transformer, you’d be “Optimus Fine”.”

“Hmm, docking points for the repeated usage of the word ‘fine’, get a thesaurus,” Iruka quips.

“Then it won’t make any sense,” the guy argues. 

“They’re pick-up lines, they’re not supposed to make sense. They’re supposed to be dumb and silly and not work.” Except they kinda are but Iruka is damn well not going to admit it. “Come on, let’s hear another. Make it religious.”

“Okay, sure.” The man gives him a deep, soulful look. “I’d say ‘God bless’…you but it looks like he already did.”

Iruka laughs at that one. 

“If I had a nickel for every time I saw someone as hot as you, I’d still only have five cents.”

Iruka laughs harder. 

“Are you a cell-phone plan? Cuz I’d like to discuss your full coverage options.” 

Iruka almost falls off his stool. 

“Enough!” he wheezes, catching himself on the bar. “Alright, you got me. Those were some good ones. I’m impressed.” He gives the guy a thorough once-over from head-to-toe. “What’s you name, Mr. Pick-up Artist?”

“Kakashi,” the guy replies, shooting finger guns, “but you can call me… darling.” 

“Aaaand you lost it.” Iruka spins around on his stool.

“No shit wait-”

“I’m kidding.” Iruka turns back around with a scoff. “But seriously, if you ever do finger guns again, we’re over.”

Kakashi slowly holsters the guns, completely straight-faced. Iruka struggles not to laugh again.

“Can I buy you a drink?” Kakashi asks, leaning an elbow on the bar and giving Iruka a grin that sends a shiver down his spine. 

“No, sorry,” he says with genuine regret, fighting back the heat in his cheeks. “I’m the designated driver tonight. I’m here with-”

“Oh my God, emergency,” Izumo suddenly stumbles over into the bar stools, almost knocking Iruka off his perch. “We were making out in the bathroom and then Kotetsu got sick and threw up in the toilet. And the sink. And the floor.” He pauses. “And me. And then I threw up a little. It’s a MESS in there. Anyway we gotta go-” 

“…Why am I friends with you two,” Iruka whispers, closing his eyes and pinching the bridge of his nose in an attempt to stave off his approaching headache.

“…Because then we can split the rent?” Izumo says after a beat. Iruka sighs.

“…Alright you got me there. Let’s go.” He gets to his feet, then hesitates, glancing uncertainly at Kakashi. 

“It’s alright.” Kakashi nods in understanding. “Bros before hoes.”

“…You do understand that you’re the ho in this situation-”

“Before you go,” Kakashi cuts in, “do you have a name, or can I call you… mine?” 

“Dude, marry this guy,” Izumo whispers in Iruka’s ear. 

“Get OFF.” He shoves him away. “It’s Iruka,” he tells Kakashi, “and the only reason I’m letting you get away with the cheesy pick-up lines is because you’re cute.” 

“Oh no, are you gonna hold me in contempt?” Kakashi coos eagerly.

“ENOUGH.” Iruka turns to Izumo, who’s nervously scanning the bar like a bouncer’s about to leap from the shadows. “Where’s Kotetsu?”

“I stashed him in the car. Hopefully he doesn’t puke in it. I think he was about empty.”

“He’d better be, or he’s crawling home.” Iruka gives Kakashi a final lingering look. “Well, you already have my number. Text me later, okay?” Kakashi moves to do finger guns again, freezes, then awkwardly turns it into double thumbs-up. Iruka snickers one last time, then follows Izumo out the door. 

---

After he finally gets home and hauls his friends up the stairs and into their respective room, he checks his phone and is greeted with a text. 

I seem to have lost my number. Thanks for letting me have yours.

Iruka rolls his eyes, but can’t resist a parting shot. 

Let’s get coffee tomorrow. I like you a latte. 

-End-

(Written for Kakairu Valentine’s Week 2023, Day 6 Prompt: Pick Up Lines, hosted by @kakairu-rocks)

[divercitizen]

Things that happened when my family went on a cruise this past summer

The day we boarded, we went to eat lunch. I have a gluten allergy, so I asked multiple servers and chefs to ensure what I was eating was free from gluten and watched them make it. Every single one of them ensured it was safe for me to eat. It was not. I ended up in the ship's infirmary before it even left port, because my body went into shock. Turns out someone ran out of rice flour for the blackberry tarts so they just used wheat flour and didn't tell anyone. This traumatized my entire family and was a lovely (sarcasm intended) start to our trip.

After the blackberry tart incident, the entire food staff would follow me and my family around the dining room whenever we were there. They also made lots of comments on my eating choices (because I would rather eat plain potatoes and fruit than risk getting gluten poisoning from their fancy dishes again). We ended up stopping eating in the dining room entirely because we would be bothered every two seconds.

There was a jewelry shop onboard, and they had a free raffle the first night. Drawn in by the possibility of winning free stuff, my family and I went to enter it. My little sister (still traumatized from the blackberry tart incident and ridiculously exhausted) ended up in tears. One of the jewelry shop workers saw and gave her $50 worth of pandora knock-off charms that said things like "sip sip hooray" and "shopping is my cardio." She wore the charms on a necklace proudly for the rest of our trip.

The jewelry raffle had some salesperson come out and show off the "diamond collection" before choosing the winners. One of the necklaces cost $27K. My jaw dropped in horror and I said that was more than a year of my college tuition. My sibling (also horrified) just told me to be quiet.

My sibling and I went to a show that was supposed to be a classical dance and orchestra performance. We were expecting something traditional like ballet. It ended up being closer to a burlesque performance, but weirder. The performers pretended to be birds for one of the acts, and just rolled around on the ground making bird calls. In another act they dressed in streetwear and breakdanced to piano music. When the male performers took off their shirts, the old women who came for the show were cheering and clapping like nothing I'd ever heard before. The two of us sat in the corner shaking from silent laughter the entire time.

My sibling and my mom heard about a "chocolate surprise" late at night and stayed up to go see what that was about. They waited in the dining room until the entire food staff came running down the halls in a single-file line shouting "chocolate surprise!" and carrying spoonfuls of chocolate-covered cheerios. All the other guests acted like this was completely normal.

A comedian had a performance, and was making jokes about prune juice and orthopedic shoes. It was pretty terrible. When an old couple came in late, my mother oh so graciously offered them our seats so we could escape.

We ended up filing a lawsuit in regards to the blackberry tart incident and won :)

[hekateinhell]

If Armand discovers videos like these by simply nailogical, Lestat's undoubtedly huge nail polish collection is doomed https://youtu.be/J7Zyc_DuquE

You know, Lestat wearing nail polish is one my favorite little headcanons that's not particularly rooted in anything other than I Like It.

But as with most of my headcanons, I've thought about this one a lot lmao. Lestat has the long nails for nail polish and also (and most importantly) he'd look good in it. Picture Lestat wearing a black or dark purple polish... You're welcome.

It's canon he's horrified by how inhuman his body appears after drinking Akasha's blood! He darkens his skin in the sun and wears sunglasses to distract from the fact that his face is too pale, his eyes too bright.

Some vampires like Pandora use cosmetics to blend in better too. So why not nail polish to cover up those long glass nails, even if gloves could accomplish the same thing? This would be a fun way to change it up!

Lestat typically enjoys being the one doing the caregiving, but he does say caresses are one of the things that makes life worth living. He'd love his partner stroking the underside of his palm and holding his fingers just so as they meticulously apply the nail polish!

If it's Armand doing it (because in my brain, of course it is), he's studying every single detail of Lestat's hands as they are now — remembering what they looked like when he first knew Lestat as a baby vampire and thinking about the lines and callouses time and the Blood have erased. And if it's Armand, it's extra bittersweet because he's painting something beautiful with each coat of polish.

So yes, Lestat undoubtedly has a huge nail polish collection, half of which unfortunately falls victim to Armand's renewed interest in conducting experiments should he ever see those kinds of videos. But Lestat would find it captivating; I've always thought he and Armand shared a similar curiosity and appreciation of the human world and little things like this.

[emily-nightray]

Ranking Pandora Hearts crossovers with anime I've finished watching

Manga only Pandora Hearts with the anime I've watched.

A Certain Magical Index seasons 1 and 2: I don't think it would fit. It could be done, but it would be hard and forced. Very few characters from both series would be able to mesh well. If somehow managed, I'd say 3/10.

Bananya: No. 0/10

Black Butler: Book of Circus: With few episodes but good characters, I'd say there's a chance. I think it'd do well with PH members also being disguised to infiltrate. I see young Gilbert and Vincent being there in a pre-Sablier universe. There's potential. However, it is limited due to the single setting. At best it'd get 7/10.

Bungo Stray Dogs all seasons and movie: A lot of people who have read Pandora Hearts somehow migrate to Bungo Stray Dogs. I still don't understand how that works. It just does. Obviously somehow there is a connection that will make it work. I think chains could be mistaken as abilities and the other way around. This could make a good way of working together. The mains and sides could definitely find different ways to work together. Might be hard, but it'd work so 9/10.

Bungo Stray Dogs Wan!: Doubtful. 1/10

Cute Executive Officer: No. 0/10

Cute High Earth Defense Club LOVE! all seasons: The Magical Girl Lacie extra would fit in perfectly but that's all. It's comedy and silliness. Pandora Hearts could barely mesh together with it. 1/10 in general, 5/10 with Magical Girl Lacie omake.

Deadman Wonderland: Since this was a short anime, I don't see much possibility of the worlds working. The supernatural powers don't match up in anyway and it would be a stretch to make it happen. I don't see a reason to find that prison good enough for Pandora to investigate. Maybe if it were longer, it'd be better. 1/10 because I would like to see those fights.

Dragon Ball Z: It has been so long since I watched this. I watched this as a child. I don't remember much of it. 3/10 because it would be chaos.

Free! seasons 1 and 2 plus omakes: Let's be honest. No one in Pandora Hearts is going to enter a swimming contest. 1/10 because I know people who would pay to see fanart of the characters shirtless.

FMA and FMA:B: I can totally see this working with a variety of characters interacting. Gil and Roy messing with fire? Yes. Homunculi and chains? Definitely. Ed getting furious at Elliot for calling him shortie? 100% going to happen. There would obviously be issues, but I don't think it would be forced in. I'd say pretty close to perfect so 9/10.

Hetalia all seasons: I have roleplayed this before. Me as Gil and my partner as America. It was so weird and hard to do. We both agreed to change the characters. I'm sure somehow there would be one character to fit in with another character but my gosh is it weird and uncomfortable. 0/10

I Can't Understand What My Husband is Saying both seasons: Slice of Life and Pandora Hearts together? No. Too hard to make it work. 0/10

Obey Me! season 1 and extras: I could see some of the PH characters willingly (Break) and unwillingly (Reim and Gilbert) going to the Devildom for some reason. I'm not sure how well it would go with the dating game setting. 2/10 Gilbert would get sucked into cooking for Beel.

Odd Taxi and movie: Odd Taxi is amazing and I don't think it needs a crossover. Pandora Hearts characters wouldn't do well without removing all things that make them Pandora Hearts characters. I know some already have animal identities and they already have the character ready, but they really wouldn't work. 1/10 because Equus and Jabberwock would look horrifying.

Pokemon 1997-2002: Turning chains into Pokemon or Pokemon into chains would be pretty interesting. The characters would probably work together better in the Pokemon world rather than the Pandora Hearts world. I could see it happening. 6/10 because it wouldn't do well in the PH world but Oz would be a Buneary.

Powerpuff Girls Z: Highly doubt it would fit in without changing A LOT of things. Again, Magical Girl Lacie would fit so 1/10.

Pretty Boy Detective Club: I'm not going to judge the prettiness of the PH children. 0/10

Sailor Moon 1992-1993: Again, only with Magical Girl Lacie. You probably could make a few adjustments to make one character fit but it'd be hard. 0/10

So I'm a Spider, So What?: I can see some points interacting decently but both main plot points would be steered in a completely different direction. It could work well and would be a nice try. 3/10

Sushi Police: No. Absolutely not. Not enough food jokes. 0/10 because the vibe would die immediately.

That Time I Got Reincarnated as a Slime everything: The same with Spider, I can sort of see it. There'd be a way to fit some of the characters together because Slime has so many. Despite this positive, it'd be weird to have their plots interact. I would love to see the PH characters interact with Slime characters. 3/10

The Case Study of Vanitas: I mean, Jun Mochizuki made them both. So many characters would be able to interact and the plots would meld together without destroying each other. I want to see Break and Teacher fight or team up. 10/10 definitely because Jun wrote them both.

The Devil is a Part-Timer! season one: I can see the abyss and Ente Isla working together in some way. The characters, not so much. This is limited due to the few episodes. Plot wouldn't be hurt too much with either of them. 5/10 because I haven't seen enough potential.

The Vampire Dies in No Time first season: Another one that doesn't go well because it's a comedy. You could have contractors turn into chains or the vampires be contractors but that's about it. 2/10

The Way of the House Husband: Gilbert and Tatsu would 100% be best friends. They'd be sharing recipes and ways to take care of the house and the people around them while the other characters just watch. They'd even talk about saving money while shopping. Sadly the plots just don't match and the episodes being super short hinder them going together. 3/10 for Gilbert and Tatsu becoming best friends.

Watamote: Another humor/slice of life genre. These don't go well. I don't see the PH characters fitting in with the awkward like of Kuroki and she definitely wouldn't find a place in the PH world. She could imagine herself there, but it'd be super weird. I would not put myself through that. 0/10.

[fredhandbag]

Lessons in Chemistry is the debut novel from Bonnie Garmus. “Elizabeth Zott is a chemist. It’s the 60s, so most of the other scientists, all male, don’t believe she’s smart enough to do any real science. Except for one - Calvin Evans. The brilliant scientist who falls in love with her mind. A few years later, Elizabeth finds herself as a single mom and host of the wildly popular cooking show, Supper at Six. But some are not happy because not only is she teaching women to cook - she’s daring them to change.” As a man, I have no standing to judge the obstacles that women have in the workplace or society. I’m lucky to be married to one if the sharpest people you’ll know (that started and grew her own company) who’s a great example to our daughter, who is also a great woman and will be to her daughter. Zott is a great character. There are so many men that are absolute tools. No matter that that was the dynamic then. There seemed to be a lack of basic human decency. The worst got what they deserved. The chef’s knife 🔪 scene was both hilarious and horrifying 😱. And one of the best names ever for a dog - Six-Thirty. I loved the twists at the end. You could see it coming but it’s what you want for the story. Great performance on the audiobook by the narrators - Miranda Raison and Pandora Sykes. There’s also an interview at the end of the audiobook with the author that’s great. I hope we see more stories with Elizabeth and Madeline Zott. Add this book to your Fall reading list. #lessonsinchemistry #bonniegarmus #bookofthemonth #historicalfiction #contemporaryfiction #mirandaraison #pandorasykes #audiobooks #bookstagram #bookshelves #booknerd #readinglife #bookwormlife #sodacityreads #bookworm #suspensebook #bookhaul #literarycrimefiction #homelibrary #domesticthriller #characterdrivenbooks #bookrecs https://www.instagram.com/p/CjFzFiOrbkC/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

[dp-marvel94]

Metamorphosis

I had an idea about the blood blob ghosts thing that @floralflowerpower , @mokulule @kii0mi and others have been talking about. It's kinda cursed so I apologize in advanced. What if it was combined with @five-rivers 's womb room idea?

So bleeding, intentionally or unintentionally, can led to blob ghosts forming which is how ghosts reproduce. If there’s only one ghost, one ectoplasm source, then this is basically a form of asexual reproduction. But blob ghosts are the first step. At the beginning, they’re basically embryos or eggs. And most don’t make it past this first stage. They wander away from their parent or are abandoned. A lot of them get eaten, kinda like fish eggs that get eaten before they hatch. It’s not a huge deal (for ghosts that produce a lot of blob at least) because at least a few will survive.

I’d say that more applies to animal-like ghosts though. For humanoid ghosts, care and attention of a parent is very important. Most don’t make blobs on accident and carefully plan when and how many they will have. After the initial spawning, they’ll spend time with their small group of blobs. They’ll observe which ones are the strongest and most stable, which ones start gaining humanoid characteristics resembling the parents. These ones are the most likely to succeed in the next step.

Now, parental care after spawning will increase the chance that a blob will survive and the blob will start to resemble the parent. But blobs will not go from this embryo state to an actual baby ghost unless they are wombed. The parent will set up a room in their lair for the blob where they feed it and go through steps and rituals meant to trigger the metamorphosis from blob to infant. If it works, the parent will have a baby ghost (or two or three depending on how many blobs they started with). But this means that no ghost becomes a parent on accident.

Now the implications for Danny... so he starts with a gaggle of 15 or so blobs from a big battle when he’s 16 or so. He recognizes that they’re his. They came from his blood and he adopts them. They follow him around and Danny talks to and plays with them. He loves them very much and jokes about them being his kids but really...they’re more like pets. And that’s okay. That’s a natural reaction for a ghost at his level of development. He’s not ready to be a parent and won’t be for a while.

Now sadly, the group dwindles. Some wander away, back to the ghost zone. Some are eaten, even by their siblings. Danny’s parents even manage to catch one. That was a really bad day for everyone. Occasionally, a few are added to the group but as Danny gets better at fighting ghost, this happens less often. Danny ages and his group of blobs ages. With his attention, some of them gain human-like characteristics. One almost has Danny’s hair. One has a single tooth in its mouth. One has Danny’s eyes. It’s nice. Danny’s happy with the group and he loves them very much but...

Blob ghosts have a shelf life. Maybe a few months, maybe years. It’s longer the more powerful blood they come from but it’s been years for Danny and his blobs and... some of the older ones are less vibrate. The half ghost is horrified when one of them dissolves into a puddle of ectoplasm. He’s devastated and goes to Frostbite for advice, for a way to save them.

But the truth is, the group is reaching the end of their viability. It’s been almost ten years, impossibly long for blob ghosts. Danny is in his mid twenties and he knows...he knows what’s happening. Frostbite explained the ins and outs of ghost reproduction to him years ago, after his first group of blobs spawned. And now the yeti gives him an ultimatum. Danny can let them go. He can let nature take its course, allow his blobs to fade and disappear. Or... he can do what he must to save them. They must be matured. Danny has to womb them. The thoughts makes a knot form in the half ghost’s stomach. 

Frostbite is understanding. This is a big decision, a monumental decision. If it works, Danny will not have blobs but children, his own children that he will have to raise. But the yeti is also stern. If this was any other being, he would think this hesitation was cruel. Ghost do not nurture their blobs, only to abandon them at the end of their viability. It would be cruel to do so, to put so much time, effort, and love into almost-children, only to deny them their true form and personhood and end their existence prematurely. But Danny is not cruel and the yeti knows he will make the right decision.

Danny goes home and talks about the decision with his significant other and the pair make a choice. The new day, Danny returns to the Ghost Zone. He gathers his ghostly guardians, Clockwork, Frostbite, and Pandora, and returns to his lair to prepare the nursey with the older ghost’s guidance. Once everything is ready, Danny and his partner bring the three remaining blobs. They set up the trio in the middle of the room, in something that’s the impossible mixture of an artificial womb and a crib. With the blobs in place, Danny begins. The air is thick with energy, humming with sound of his core. Everything is in order and the other ghosts leave. The half ghost stops the Master of Time.

“Clockwork....will they be...like me? Half ghosts?”

The blue skinned ghost just winks and leaves without a word.

Danny and his partner stay in the lair for weeks. He talks to the crib, sings to it. The half ghost puts his hands on the glass separating him from the forming cores and he pictures what his kids will look like. He waits, pouring himself into the process. He never strays far, even sleeping on a cot only feet away. The days drag on and on and Danny and his significant other are full of nerves, as the area inside the incubator swims with ectoplasm and hides the progress inside. The half ghost almost thinks it will never end, that he’ll never see the result of this metamorphosis from blob to infant ghost. Until he awakes to the sound of babies’ cries and a flash of white light.

[bulletnotestudies]

I’d love to hear your lgbtq+ book recs!!

I hope you have a lovely weekend as well!

well now you've opened pandora sabrina's box asgdbhjq

okay firstly, lemme just link u to some recs we've previously compiled in the studyblr w/knives server: top 2021 books, lgbtq+ main character, trans main character (more recs incoming next month ;))

and now, to single out some recent(ish) faves: (cut bc this is long)

exciting times (n. dolan) - contemporary fiction they say this is the closest it gets to sally rooney but i haven't read any of her books so i wouldn't know about that. i would, however, know that i absolutely love the writing in this one - barely anything happens and i rarely like plotless books and yet here i am, tabbing the hell out of this book

gideon the ninth (t. muir) - sci-fi horror fantasy it took a little for me to get used to the writing but oh. my. god. it destroyed me in the best way possible and i already have the sequel on my shelves, waiting till after finals to dig in (very much recommend it - feel free to dm me and i can tell u more)

the charm offensive (a. cochrun)* - contemporary rom-com this had the lovely vibes red, white & royal blue has; i read it in a day and had a blast, it also has a main character of color and neurodiverse rep!

the six of crows duology (l. bardugo) - ya fantasy you surely already know abt it, but it's among my all time absolute faves so of course i have to mention it

the raven cycle (m. stiefvater) - ya urban fantasy same reason as with soc lol

things have gotten worse since we last spoke (e. larocca)* - conteporary epistolary horror horror indeed. chilling, gripping, delightfully horrifying and fucking disgusting - i probs won't ever be rereading but man, it was a ride

damaged like us (b.&k. ritchie)* - contemporary romance is this the height of literature? certainly not. but did i enjoy it and read it at lightning speed? i did. i really did.

the house in the cerulean sea (t.j. klune) - urban fantasy a hug in book form. reading this feels like being bundled up in ur fave blanket, sipping your fave hot beverage and Vibing™

hepdale rain trilogy (c. paul)* - ya urban fantasy i don't like werewolf stories. these books tho? had me in a chokehold. the characters are amazing, the writing is lovely af, and each book is better than the last.

the atlas six (o. blake)* - urban fantasy some ppl hated this but me? it made me go absolutely insane. i was making inhumane noises as this took my heart and twisted it in like 5 diff dimensions, 5 stars, immediate new fave.

top secret (e. kennedy, s. bowen)* - contemporary romance kinda a frat house you've got mail au. shameless smut ngl. a great pick if u just want sth quick, super non-demanding to read while getting over a book that ruined u lol

him (e. kennedy, s. bowen)* - contemporary sports romance same as the previous, just with the hockey gays flavor this time.

cemetery boys (a. thomas) - ya urban fantasy this. book. asdfsdghfjkl. my poor heart. just sweet and so soft, but at the same time amazing at tackling themes like your identity and belonging and culture and

simon vs. the homo sapiens agenda (b. albertalli) - ya contemporary romance a classic by this point, but i read it in 2018 and def wanna reread :')

heartstopper (a. oseman) - ya contemporary romance the graphic novel that stole our hearts <3 also go watch it on netflix everyone (if u want to Emote be consumed by warmth)

the magic between (s. hoyt) - magical realism romance this wasn't exactly a fave, but the dedication reads "for all the bisexuals out there - this one's for you." and yes. the bisexual rep this world deserves

*contains (varying degrees of) graphic sexual content

okay i'll stop with that for now, feel free to ask for more literally any time. but bc i cannoT shut up and you have been warned, here are some fantastic lgbtq+ books i have on my tbr (recs courtesy of my friends with superb reading tastes):

the darkness outside us (e. schrefer) - ya sci-fi romance my preordered paperback is on its way as we speak

in the dream house (c. m. machado) - non fiction a memoir that apparently doesn't read as non fiction and tackles multiple incredibly important topics

if we were villains (m. l. rio) - contemporary mystery i won't even say anything, this has been on my tbr for 6 years and that's that.

summer sons (l. mandelo) - urban fantasy (magical realism?idk) this was pitched to me as "the raven cycle but darker and more unhinged". sold immediately lmao

heated rivalry (r. reid) - contemporary sports romance hockey gays with a lot of angst

crush (r. siken) - poetry

iron widow (x. j. zhao) - sci-fi

the starless sea (e. morgenstern) - urban fantasy

19 days (o. xian) - manga

the gilded wolves trilogy (r. chokshi) - historical fantasy

if you have any recs for me (any genre), definitely do drop them in my asks or dms and if you ever run out of books of a specific genre to read or just wanna scream about a book, you know where to find me ✨

[petre-chose-violence]

to be fair the complaints against c!Dream apologists is almost exclusively reserved for the motherfuckers that victim blame the people the character hurt by using language real life people use to excuse actual abuse (“maybe he shouldn’t have pushed him” “he should have just listened” “he means well”)

But nah this alliance bullshit is weird as hell and missing the point of the actual complaints

I heard horror stories of actual abuse apologists, but never actually seen one myself. And there are, indeed, some shit takes coming from the c!Dream loving side of dsmp fandom.

If we are going to shun an entire section of the fandom because some parts of it are problematic may I remind you how abelist Techno and Dream antis often are? "Emotionless" and "Psychopath" takes, all that jazz. And these antis are more often then not Tommy/Tubbo/L'manburg apologists (again, personal experience). Should we now ostracize crimeboys and clingy duo enjoyers? No! We should acknowledge that these kind of people exists, bully them specifically, not their communities, and live in peace together, as dsmp viewers.

Not a single part of this fandom is free of sin. Hell, I've seen weirdchamp Egg enjoyers of all people.

The worst thing about that union post is the disgusting sense of entitlement. Op, and everyone who unironically agreed with that post, have a mind boggling amount self righteousness. To think that not only are they better then Dream apologists, but that they are so much better they have a moral right to harass (or whatever are they planning to do) people they disagree with. It is vile. The fact that they might have a similar mentality irl is horrifying.

I know. c!Dream is an abuser, among other things, and people finding him relatable might be uncomfortable. So was seeing people celebrate police brutality in Bitcher Army and Pandoras Valt. Get some empathy or get lost.

[parasympathic]

@emilianopavone​

If the Spring Equinox was a more subdued affair than the Summer Solstice, it wasn’t by much. A single day instead of several, more vendors than games and the smell of flowers far more present than popcorn. But there was still just as much of a crowd, most of the town eager to join the festivities despite the strange undercurrent of tension. Or maybe because of it, months since the last event that included both null and Gifted alike, and too much of it punctuated by violent incidents and hospitalizations. The occasional figure dressed in dark blue uniforms only drove the point home, and Monty did his best not to fixate on the metal cuffs hanging from their belts, familiar runes etched into the metal.

With it only came the reminder of that absence in himself, a wound he remained terrified to press on, and today the last day he could really afford to. The last day he could close his eyes and pretend hope wasn’t just prolonging his own suffering, a horrifying limbo he’d kept himself in because he was afraid that when he opened Pandora’s box he wouldn’t find monsters waiting inside. He wouldn’t find anything at all except dust and shadows.

If it was a fear that had kept him in bed half the week, more than any fears for his life when he didn’t really believe Hugo would try the same drastic move a second time. But it didn’t take a great deal of time to decide that it was for the best Emil had forced them out of the house when he did, like some trial run of Montgomery’s ability to tolerate so many people around him at once  when it felt like one more casualty of war. And if it felt like years instead of a month since Monty had the man in his lap, discussing some grand coming out at the Equinox and how they’d turn heads, he couldn’t help but think it had been for much kinder reasons then. Wondering how much judgement might be leveled at him for his choice in partner, not because of his gender or his reputation, but because there was an article that had named him a traitor and scars that had been carved into his skin for it.

Whatever the reason, Monty found just as quickly that it was the kind of attention easier to ignore when there was a bright and glittering silver lining to all of it. The hand clasped in his and a familiar warmth at his side, kisses he didn’t have to steal in hidden corners and behind closed doors, but whenever the light hit Emil’s face just right and reminded him of one of the reasons he’d called their love a golden one. Finding a fresh thrill in kisses he didn’t have to steal when they were given freely, and flowers he found excuses to tuck into Emil’s hair whenever he was feeling overwhelmed or just the need to reclaim his attention for himself.

It was a safeword he tried to use sparingly, even if he had plenty of flowers to spare. And he thought that helped in its own way too, finding it easier to pretend he was Endine’s unshakeable Head Significant when he could look the part again with a few small concessions to the life he’d always hidden away. Hair cut short and beard trimmed close to his jaw again, a mint green suit but a white shirt that was made of sheer lace filigree. And details he never skimped on, a crown of blue and pink and pale purple hyacinths in his hair, more that decorated one shoulder and embroidered into the line of one lapel. A ring on his finger that no longer promised invisibility, but seemed fitting for that reason alone, and another with the face of Apollo. As if representing a god could make him more like one once again. 

His steps slowed as they reached the start of the park path, tugging on Emil’s hand to pull him away from Main street. Vendors stretching out before them but the distant sound of music calling him from the green. “Not that way,” he said. “Did you know Ms. Misty over there tried to sell me the bones of a a raccoon penis last year? I forget what she said it was for. Luck, maybe? Fertility?” He turned briefly to face Emil, walking backwards as he drew him forward with an easy smile. “Besides, it sounds like dancing this way.” 

[five-rivers]

Not the King

Danny isn't the Ghost King. Really, he isn't. He doesn't know what they've been telling you, but it's not true.  @imperfection-at-itsfinest

.

.

.

"I'm not the Ghost King," said Danny.

Danielle blinked up at him. "But-" she said.

"I'm not," insisted Danny, glaring at the two one-eyed ghosts that had brought her here. "I don't know what they told you, but I am not the Ghost King. I mean, I'm not even a full ghost. I'm still in high school. It would be ridiculous to make me Ghost King, right? It would be insane, right?"

"I-" said Dani, taking in her surroundings, the high ceilings, the dais, the green-burning torches on the wall, the green plush carpet on the floor beneath her feet. "Where are we?"

"Nowhere," said Danny, too quickly.

"The palace of the High King of All Ghosts," answered one of the eye ghosts.

Danny glared. "She wasn't asking you," he said.

"Well," said Dani, "it was more of a general question, honestly. So, you have a palace, now, huh?"

"It is not a palace. And I don't have it. This is just- just an administrative building."

"Danny, there's a throne."

"An administrative throne. It's kind of like the office chair of the Ghost Zone."

"Infinite Realms," corrected one of the eyeballs.

"This is like... A lobby. A reception lobby," continued Danny. "Completely normal, so you can go now."

"Is it normal to be chained to administrative thrones?" asked Dani. Because he was. Chained, that is. They were glowing green and probably phase proof both to humans and ghosts.

"Yes."

"So, you don't need to be rescued?"

"No, I'm fine. I always escape eventually. This is the fifth time."

One of the eyeball ghosts turned to Dani. "Please. We're begging you. Talk some sense into him."

Honestly, where were their mouths? Did they even have mouths?

"I'm perfectly full of sense, thanks. You're the ones who're nonsensical."

"He's been like this for months," said the other one-eyed ghost, mournfully.

Dani looked between Danny, chained to the throne, and the one-eyed ghosts. "Talk some sense into him about what?"

"About his kingship!" The ghost spread his hands wide.

"I'm not a king! I'm a C-average student from America and I'm not even dead yet!"

"Yes, you are! You died years ago! Why are you making this so difficult?" shouted one of the ghosts.

"Doesn't count! I came back!"

"You celebrated your deathday last year!"

"Danny," said Dani, cautiously, "you're wearing a crown."

"Isn't a crown," said Danny, shaking his head, furiously.

"Then what is it?" asked Dani, genuinely curious as to what he'd come up with, but also starting to be concerned.

A bead of sweat trickled down the side of his face. "It's, uh, it's a hat."

"Pretty fancy hat."

"Well, it is a ghost hat."

"It is not just a hat!" growled one of the eyeball ghosts. "It shows your position as-"

"Final dispute arbiter!" shouted Danny, drowning out the other ghost. "It's the ceremonial hat of the final dispute arbiter, but I really don't want the job. Too much paperwork. Too much, uh, reception work."

"Reception work where you're tied to a throne."

"Office chair, but yes. I keep telling them I don't want it. They won't listen."

Dani looked between Danny and the other ghosts once again.

"Can I have one of the rooms in your palace?"

.

"So, uh," said Dani, phasing through the wall into Jazz's room, "I heard that Danny is not the Ghost King."

"Yeah," said Jazz, not looking up from her formidable book, "we've all heard."

"What's up with that?"

"Oh, you know, just Danny being Danny, honestly." There was an edge of worry there.

"He doesn't actually believe all that about office chairs, does he?"

"If you're asking me if he's delusional, the answer is yes," said Jazz.

"Stop making fun of me!" yelled Danny from the other room.

"Stop eavesdropping on me with your super-hearing!" Jazz shouted back.

"It isn't my fault these walls are paper thin!"

Jazz rolled her eyes. "Anyway, he knows what's going on. He just doesn't want to know."

"Right. And for those of us who don't know?"

"Didn't the Observants tell you?"

"The who?" asked Dani.

"Eyeball ghosts. Very pushy."

"Oh. Yeah. Mostly they just yelled at Danny."

Jazz rolled her eyes and put aside her book. The title was Common Law in the Infinite Realms.

"The Ghost Zone needs a king," started Jazz.

Danny stuck his head through the wall. "It got along perfectly fine without one for hundreds of years."

Jazz, without taking her eyes off Dani, removed her shoe and threw it at Danny. It hit, dead center, and the ghost boy withdrew, shoe in his mouth.

"Nice aim," said Dani.

"Hey!" said Jazz. "Give me back my shoe!"

The offended article flew through the wall and landed neatly on Jazz's bed.

"Anyway," she said. "The Ghost Zone needs a king. Or wants a king. Or maybe it's just the Observants who want one. Either way, by ghost law, Danny's the rightful king because he beat Pariah Dark in single combat."

"Okay, that's cool. So, why doesn't he want to be Ghost King?"

"I think mainly he doesn't want to be responsible for a whole universe full of people."

Dani nodded. That would do it.

"So, he's in denial."

"Yeah. That, and I think he thinks that he can negotiate his title down if he tries hard enough. Of course, he won't talk to me about it, because he has an irrational fear that, if he acknowledges that it's happening, he'll be trapped."

"Well, I mean, that's reasonable," said Dani. "A lot of ghost things are actually like that."

"Really?"

"Yeah. Like, Danny and I are officially cousins, because that's what we said we are."

"Huh. I guess I hadn't gotten to that part yet," said Jazz, glaring at her book as though it had done her a great personal wrong.

"Maybe the crown thing also is supposed to do something," suggested Dani. "Like, if he says, 'okay, fine, I'm the Ghost King,' it binds to him or something? Like, maybe it melts on to his head, and he can't get it off? It is on fire."

"Wow. Thank you for that horrifying image that will never leave my brain," said Jazz. "Thankfully, that probably won't happen. Didn't happen to the last guy."

.

"If you're the king, does that mean I'm a princess?"

"I'm not a king," said Danny, glaring down at his homework. He furrowed his brow thoughtfully. "Technically, I'm a knight."

"What, really?" asked Dani, flipping herself so that she was sitting upright in the air. "Since when?"

"Dora knighted me. It was a while ago. I guess that'd make you a lady, then."

"Does that mean you can sword fight?" asked Dani.

"Yeah. She had one of her other knights teach me. I beat Vlad in a sword fight, a couple of times. He likes to think he's good, but he really isn't."

"Wow, you just described, like, fifty percent of his personality."

Danny snorted.

.

"I hear Danny has a new job," said Dani, squeezing in-between Tucker and Sam as they walked to school.

On the other side of Sam, Danny groaned loudly.

"Oh, yeah, we all know," said Tucker.

"We figure it's only a matter of time before ghosts start showing up at the school to congratulate him. Or, you know, fight him for the crown," said Sam.

Danny got a contemplative look on his face.

"Don't you dare lose on purpose," warned Sam.

"But, just imagine, the Box Ghost-"

"No. Remember Pandora's box?" asked Sam.

Danny deflated.

"You know," said Dani. "You probably won't even have to do anything. Like you said, there hasn't been a Ghost King in ages."

"You don't understand," said Danny. "The Observants hate me. The only reason they'd want me to do something like this is because there's baggage. Well, I'm not doing it."

"So, it isn't just because you think the title will do something to you?"

"Better safe than sorry, right?" said Danny. "If they are going to force me into... something, then I'm not getting extra supernatural hooks set into me because of the job title. Last thing I need is some kind of fine-print that means I have to let the Observants run my life. No way. They're not getting me like that."

A ghost portal opened up underneath Danny's feet, and he fell.

.

Dani found him tied to the throne again, crown floating over his hair. He looked absolutely livid. So did the several dozen Observants glaring at him.

"You must take up the title!" said one of the Observants, angrily.

"No," said Danny. "I'm not the Ghost King. I'm not going to be the Ghost King. Find someone who actually wants to do it!"

"There is no one else who can do it!"

Dani cleared her throat. All eyes turned to her.

"Look, have none of you people ever heard of a compromise?"

.

Sam, Tucker, and Jazz were waiting in front of the Fenton Portal when they got back. Danny had sulked the whole way.

"Well," said Jazz. "What happened?"

"I'm not the Ghost King," said Danny, sullenly. He flew up through the ceiling.

"You'd think he'd be happier about that," said Tucker, looking up.

"Is he king now, after all?" asked Sam.

"Nah," said Dani. "He's the Ghost Prince. I'm a princess, now, by the way, so you have to call me 'your highness.'"

"I'm not doing that," said Sam.

"That's fair."

[himboskywalker]

🥺👉🏻👈🏻 can I get some head canons? Can I pleasssseee get some head canons?

Oh geez,you don’t actually know the Pandora's box you’ve opened here.

I’ve mentioned it before here,and I threw it in Invictus too,but I’m dead convinced the clone troopers were the ones to come up with the Open Circle Emblem after watching Obi-Wan and Anakin share a single braincell and started tagging stuff left on battle fields with the same paint they use on their armor as like a calling card.But it gets out of hand when the clones realize the Seps recognize the symbol and are afraid of it because they know what legions its for so of course they start painting their armor and ships and by that point the entire fleet has the open circle tagged on it before Obi-Wan and Anakin take notice and are just like?!?!?!

100% convinced that Obi-Wan is an outrageous flirt and gets some,because while the entire universe seems to have it out for him,by the force he will eek some joy and pleasure from his life and he can’t drink all the time to dull the trauma so fucking it is!Besides,he’s gorgeous and charming and the amount of propositions he gets on negotiation missions is something to right epics of,it’s only right he takes some of their allies up on it,in the name of galactic peace and all.On that same note Obi-Wan is packing,to which I wrote an entire fic on.In a similar vein,Anakin is as monogamist as it gets,is probably demisexual,and cannot bear the thought of sex out of the context of making love.

Am also 100% convinced Anakin is full chaotic, and 99% of the shenanigans he pulls are specifically to horrify or traumatize Obi-Wan.Slurping worms?Was definitely just to see Obi-Wan have a mental breakdown before his eyes.Jumping out of speeders and showing off in battle by standing in the open under a rain of blaster fire?Most certainly just to watch that vein in his master’s forehead bulge.

On the opposite side,Obi-Wan definitely pulls shit to fuck with Anakin too,but outside of the prank wars they 100% instigate in the field,both of them somehow don’t realize the other one is fucking with them,and they really just think the other one is like that™.

Obi-Wan is the one with the secret sweet tooth.Anakin was never exposed to desserts and sugar as a kid because of growing up on Tatooine, so he never developed much of taste for it,he’s more of a ‘just swallow a ration bar whole for the necessity of fuel’ kind of person,since he’s always on the go and doesn’t have time or the inclination to savor food.Obi-Wan on the other hand,definitely loves chocolate and expensive liquor. 

 Anakin has lost his lightsaber on multiple occasions as an excuse to upgrade or switch over to his newest prototype.He keeps trying to chuck Obi-Wan’s in the field so he can upgrade his too,but Cody always saves it before he can get to it.

The clones have an entire underground betting ring that revolves around the astoundingly ridiculous maneuvers both Obi-Wan and Anakin pull in the field.Incineration,body swap,time travel,and dragon riding are just a few on the list.Cody has made the most credits,but only because he called Obi-Wan seducing that entire Zabrac clan that one time.

[elyvorg]

It’s Shadow Maki’s berserk form, in the same vein as the Shadow Kaito design I once did!

In short, this is a concept from Persona 4 in which a person’s suppressed thoughts and feelings manifest into an abstract, symbolic representation of their issues. I’ve made a couple of posts mentioning vague, general ideas about Maki’s Shadow before, but now that I’ve finally managed to piece together enough ideas for her berserk form in my head, I couldn’t not draw it.

Since I’m not going to be writing a fic about this like I did with Shadow Kaito (there’s no need; Maki effectively already faces her shadow in canon thanks to Kaito’s encouragement and support), I’m instead going to just talk about all of the symbolism involved right here.

The Shadow initially manifests as just a giant box without any holes, upright and closed, thudding and rattling like something inside is trying to get out. As it tips over and falls open, the Maki doll clambers out from under a huge pile of weapons. The hands appear before she can leave the box itself, their strings piercing through it to take hold of the weapons and stab them into Shadow Maki, keeping her trapped in there under their control.

A significant part of this design was based around the fact that I’d already decided that Maki’s Persona would be Pandora. Pandora got associated with all the bad things that escaped when she opened her box, but that shouldn’t be considered her fault – it’s the fault of the asshole gods who filled the box with those things and gave it to her in the first place, knowing she’d open it.

So that’s why there’s a box filled with weapons, and why one pair of shadowy hands is holding it. The hands represent the members of Maki’s cult who trained her, or perhaps also the rich assholes who hire her to kill people, so the box with all those horrible things inside really originated from them.

The imagery of the box also fits very well with Maki’s tendency to cope through compartmentalisation – she’s become very good at just shutting away the things she doesn’t want to think about so that she can do what she needs to do. In fact, Pandora’s myth also works really well here, because after letting out all the bad things, Pandora shut the box in such a hurry that she left Hope, the one good thing, trapped inside. That’s basically exactly what Maki did with her own hope – her wishes that one day she could escape this hell and have a normal life – in order to cope. Shadow Maki starts out trapped inside a box because she’s been firmly sealed away inside a metaphorical box by the surface part of Maki for a long, long time.

(This compartmentalisation idea also works for the weapons being sealed inside the box to start with, since Maki also tries to shut away and avoid thinking about all the horrible things she’s been through and done whenever it’s possible for her to do so.)

I am aware that actually in the original myths, Pandora had a jar, and it’s a modern(ish) mistranslation that made it a box. However, while the original correct version of Atlas worked way better for Kaito (he carried all of space, not just the Earth!), this time the misinterpreted version happens to fit a lot better for Maki – because toy boxes are a thing. Except oh god those aren’t toys those should not be anywhere near children.

That was the other main idea I had in mind for this, before I’d even figured out Pandora and knew a box ought to be involved: this sort of imagery that’d disturbingly juxtapose Maki’s child caregiver and assassin talents, because it is horrifying and heartbreaking that she was put through all this and turned into a killing machine as a child.

So it was a pretty neat bonus that Pandora’s box could also be presented as Pandora’s toy box. There’s some more symbolism in the idea of the Maki doll having been alone and forgotten at the bottom of the toy box, because Maki on the surface hasn’t allowed herself to think about her normal, happy life as a child in a long time. Meanwhile, the weapons piled on top of her get taken out of that box and “played with” by surface-Maki a lot more often.

Even if anyone did pick up the doll and try to play with it again, it’s broken and mutilated and can never be the same any more. Maki’s traumatic experiences have messed her up enough that she can never have that normal life back now in quite the same way.

And even if she did try to be free anyway and live her own life despite being broken, she still can’t actually escape that box that she’s shut herself in, because she’s being controlled like a puppet by evil outside forces beyond her reach. That puppet imagery was another thing I knew I had to do with this – fitting neatly with the child-caregiving image of the doll – because a lot of the tragedy of Maki’s story is the fact that she never had a choice. Everything she’s been through has all been her being controlled and manipulated by people who don’t give a damn about her.

The box also helps here in that she can’t even see the hands puppeteering her, because Maki doesn’t actually see her situation as herself being controlled and feels like she deserves to bear every single bit of the blame and responsibility for her actions herself. (And the owners of the hands can’t see her in there suffering either, because like hell any of those assholes care about that.)

I had the strings be attached to the Maki doll via weapons impaling her partly just as an efficient way to combine the toy mutilation and puppeteering motifs into one, but also because that control and manipulation is precisely one of the main things that’s been hurting her and messing her up so much. She’s technically holding those knives in her hands and could use them to kill someone like this, but doing so is hurting her just as much. And trying to break free of it would only hurt her more – so it’s easier for her to just stop struggling and give up.

[sanchoyo]

danny phantom, season 3, episodes 7-13 thoughts! cannot believe im finishing this series so fast. ...cannot believe it ended like that...uh. one of the weirdest finales to a show I think I've seen, it really stood out against the rest of the series, and not in a good way, in my opinion. I paused to yell in caps lock...several times, I think, out of anger... BUT. ANYWAY, HERE WE GO.

see prev episode thoughts in this tag <3

-the fentons putting the kids to Work in the lab, with NO SAFETY GEAR. AT ALL. THEY JUST GOT BACK FROM SCHOOL AND ARE TIRED!!! and when jack asked how danny his day was and danny tried to say it was bad jack cut him off :( for the 400th time, i am stealing these kids.

-maddie and jack IMMEDIATELY SELLING THEIR LAB AND WORK FOR A LOT OF MONEY. and danny cant get into the portal anymore, oh no!!! he could always just steal vlads I Guess.

-THEY ARE VLADS NEW NEIGHBOR. OH MY GOD. this is a sitcom format. a butler came with the new mansion. i would absolutely try a kiwi fudge milkshake, why is the butler disgusted.

-the..guys in white bought the lab to shoot a missile. into the ghost zone thru the portal. bro i hate these guys

-jazz straight up setting her new bedroom up in the library. i am very very jealous

-"RATED E, FOR ENTRAILS"

-I like how the 14 year olds very quickly realize if the giw destroy the ghost zone itll destroy OUR ZONE because its just. like. the other side of the quarter so to speak. and the giw, a fully funded government agency, didnt consider that...(or worse, are willing to risk that anyway...)

-a...graphic novel version of the constitution? what in the world have you been READING SAM

-'cool, I always wanted to be called a meddling kid!' scooby doo reference...

-can they keep the butler. I love him.

-ecto latte....I also want to try that. is ectoplasm edible...

-YESS I KNEW DANNY WOULD USE VLAD'S PORTAL. vindicated.

-DANNY WHY DIDNT YOU JUST ASK JOHNNY NICELY. STEALING HIS BIKE IS SO SO RUDE.

-youngblood is also into astronaut stuff, thats really cute. and him being like 'phantom, dude!! :D' ALL EXCITED. THATS ADORABLE.

-the slapstick comedy of the giw slipping and falling and running into shit in the lab. is funny, but also, because this lab has NOOO safety codes in practice. god its a wonder dannys the only one to have died here...

-JOHNNY, SKULKER AND YOUNGBLOOD HELPING DANNY!!! I keep saying it but the other ghosts helping him. is my fav thing in the world. and, it's a really good thing the missile in the real world was harmless...otherwise the fentons wouldn't have had a home/lab to come back to...

-WULF WANTED POSTER!!! we havent seen wulfy in so long :( very funny the box ghost is offended by how much these ghosts are wanted for. first off, what do ghosts even DO WITH MONEY. does the ghost zone have its own currency??? what are ghosts BUYING

-the box ghost is So Funny, im so glad hes still got his bubble wrap. u are VERY wanted in THIS house box ghost. you are SO scary king. dont give up on ur dreams

-this needs to be a meme format. I made a transparent version, very very messily, for future use.

-this is a Fellow and a Friend

-box ghost accidentally bringing lunch for everyone, and giving people at the mall free shoes. SHOES ARE SO EXPENSIVE, ID BE SO GRATEFUL. helpful king. i feel SO bad for him lmao, he's putting in SO much effort. he wants the evil aesthetic So bad but hes Just Too Silly. I understand your plight, box ghost....

-oh my god. pandoras BOX. 'THOSE OF US IN THE BOX TRADE' HOW MANY ARE IN THIS BOX TRADE. I WANT IN. pandora is a multi-armed ghost goddess and i love her.

-SKULKER WHY ARE YOU RUNNING FROM THE EVIL UNICORN?? YOURE A HUNTER!! JUST SHOOT IT!!!!!!! JUST HUNT IT!!!

-box ghost...where did you get the cowboy hat. I respect it, i just want to know

-JAZZ COMING IN WITH THE BAZOOKA TO FIGHT THE 10 HEADED DRAGON!!! YEAH!!!!!!!!!!! and the rest of the fentons I Guess

-ignoring the sam/danny moments. I simple do not see them.

-...why doesnt danny just fly over the maze. or do the whole 'real world people act as ghosts in the ghost zone' and turn back!!! I know its just to show off the ghost greek monster designs. but STILL.

-danny being like. um. hi pandora. i found your box. >< polite...PANDORA IS SO GIANT. GIANT GHOST WOMAN. SHES GOING TO BEAT BOX GHOSTS ASS. another ghost thats nice to danny to add to the list :) and HER FORCING BOX GHOST TO APOLOGIZE. and having sandwiches with danny after making box ghost clean up. I LOVE HER.

-DANNYS 'BEWARE' AT THE END JAKHDJFKN

-okay, when dash pulled out danny's seat and was calling him buddy, for half a second I was like 'this is a prank, hes gonna pull it back' BUT THEN FRIGHT KNIGHT MY BELOVED IS BACK. AND EVERYONE STARTS CHANTING FOR DANNY TO BEAT HIS ASS WITH GHOST POWERS AND DANNY DOES WAY TOO EASILY, and im like, yup, this is a dream LMAO

-danny is getting an A+ in science :) my smart son

-DANNY WAKING UP FROM THE DREAM RIGHT BEFORE KISSING SAM AND BEING LIKE 'that was a dream...no, a NIGHTMARE!' same. not to be a hater but, shouldve been val. maybe I am a hater

-...danny running and checking the 'tapes'...why is his whole house constantly being recorded. hes been in ghost form/fights plenty of times in his house. does he have to run and wipe the tapes after?? every single time?? god

-letting this image speak for itself

-this is SO cursed

-NOCTURN'S DESIGN FUCKS SO HARD. the Venice mask vibes. also his space pattern not moving while the rest of his animation does is big chowder vibes. but this guy is basically the sandman but Evil, huh. I love dream plots. also, nocturn's design feels very similar to clockwork, like, red eyes and a scar over the same eye, but also just the purple, and the Cosmic Vibes. I want to see them fight. anyway nocturn's va was also avatar roku AND alfred in several batman cartoons.

-the 'sleepwalkers' designs were super cute in shape (kinda remind me of oogie boogie! pillow-cased shaped, which is appropriate for the 'king of dreams's minions) until I looked closer at their eyes. why do they look sewn shut!! (they open their eyes a few times, so they aren't, but they look like it...)

-I like how this show has been pretty consistent (with a few exceptions) about a Ghost Being Huge (or getting larger) = Very Powerful

-2 months of summer camping??? wtf, do camping things usually take that long?? I've never been to a camping...thing like that. but isnt that basically their entire summer??

-'the entirety of nature is your bathroom!' and thats why I do no camping despite loving nature LMAO.

-sam, at least TRY TO BE NICE TO THE OTHER GIRLS YOU'RE GOING TO BE SHARING A CABIN WITH. also, the amount of times people in this show have their SHOES ON THE BED!!! IM DISGUSTED

-swamp creature Is A Ghost. Big Foot is a Ghost. starting to think in this universe, every single cryptid or legend is a Ghost Actually

-paulina crying not only because star is missing, but because SHE FORGOT HER SUNBLOCK AND SHE BURNS SO EASILY!!!! okay girlfriends

-ghost cops are the real monsters at the camp. i.......I mean. fair. no one missed you walker

-WULF!!!!!!!!!!! WULF IS BACK!!!!!!!! MY FRIEND WULF :D MI AMAS VIN!!!!! kaj danny lernis Esperanto :)

-'relax kid, we arent here to do any harm' *immediately shoots danny* yeah. ghost cops. and also danny bringing walker 'wulf' and walker IMMEDIATELY SUCKING DANNY IN A THERMOS. FUCK OFF

-haha walker Bald. and haha walker Frozen Now

-the fenton thermos can...reverse its polarity to close portals? okay

-LIBERA MIA AMIKO. :")

-ohhh they end the ep with them star gazing, thats pretty cute...

-dani is back! ...with a new voice actress? wiki says AnnaSophia was in 3 diff movies in 2007 when this aired, so she was probably too busy... (including, bridge to terabithia aka the movie that ripped my heart out that I mentioned in the first ep Dani was in...kinda wanna rewatch it now)

-shes still scared of vlad, who's still being creepy and spying on her. 'shes hardly going to come home to daddy!' I WONDER WHY. also does vlad's cat look more evil than last time? love the concept of him going shopping for cats and being like 'give me your most EVILEST looking cat, please, so I can pet it in my spinny chair dramatically!' ...oh god white cat hair on his black suit. I have a black cat and her hair is still way too noticeable..

-vlad has a big 'valerie' button in his office. can he be pressing that button every episode, thanks

-'theres a GIRL called dani phantom?' yeah valerie. no relation, obviously, even with her looking EXACTLY like danny. so sad valerie just wants to help her dad and her get out of the place theyre in now and vlad using her. ill MAUL HIM

-dani having to STEAL FOOD. :( and valerie immediately being like oh poor kid :(( and trying to help her!!! and then dani immediately helping valerie!! this episode is starting SO well

-...and then valerie catching her. DAMN IT. and being surprised dani knew danny?? HELLO VALERIE I KNOW YOURE SMARTER THAN THIS. I AM SO SORRY THEY WROTE YOU THIS WAY. I STILL LOVE AND BELIEVE IN U !!!

-valerie lying her ASS off for a chance at gettin danny. ok <3 also 'they couldnt catch a ghost if it was living under their own roof' JSDHKJHNK

-danny. why dont you just tell valerie!! this would be so much easier if he was direct. there is NO way valerie would hurt danny (fenton) she'd be HORRIFIED. esp since she got on board helping dani!!

*is held* :)

-look at valerie and danny. flying together. about to go beat vlads ass together <333

-DANI SCREAMING AS VLAD IS MELTING HER. WHAT THE FUCCCK

-...fucking vlad convincing valerie hes a good dude with his stupid duplication. FUCK. DANNY JUST TELL H E R

-jesus christ how many times has danny had to watch loved ones die. even if she didnt stay perma-dead. glad they fixed her...

-valerie and dani pranking danny when he came out, oh :( cute...them havin fun and laughing together...babies

-BUT THEYRE JUST LETTING DANI LEAVE, AGAIN??? SHE WAS PREVIOUSLY STEALING FOOD. CHRIST GIVE HER A PLACE TO LIVE. OR A FAMILY. actually, I think it'd be really cute if, since danny isnt ready to out himself, dani went and lived with valerie?? dunno if her dad would have the money but,, it'd be a cute concept. big sis valerie...

-'tomorrow, it's game on!' 'and ill be ready to play!' THE FLIRTING....DANNY/VALERIE REAL

-oh my god,, valerie found out about vlad in the end. But he doesn’t know she knows!!! the DRAMA!!! HOLY SHIT THAT ENDING.

-this episode was. SO Much and probably one of my favorites out of s3. (I mean, there has been a gross lack of valerie this whole season, so thats not a hard choice to make...)

-FINALE EPISODE TIME.

-the title screen looks different! so no title card...

-vlad has his own fucked up satellite that looks like him?? okay. why does the animation look so different?? are they mixing cg in?? for what. anyway, vlad and the gang in SPACE. danny is 100% living his astronaut dreams rn

-'defeating frostbite' YOU BETTER NOT HAVE. YOU STOLE HIS COOL MAP. FUCK YOU VLAD

-wait oh my god. vlad is the final series boss, isn't he. I half expected a fake out, for another boss to show up midway, and for him to finally have to have a real truce with danny for this ep. ITS THE FINALE. VLAD FEELS SO UNDERWHELMING.

-And it's like-- his character isn't bad, i just feel like..he has more potential! they WANT him to seem like some smart super evil genius, but the way he's written makes that SO hard to believe...but the solid backstory and design is THERE and its FRUSTRATING.

-...DANNY CALLING VLAD OUT SAYING HE NEEDS THERAPY LMAOO THATS WHAT IVE BEEN SAYING.

-my grandpa technus is in the finale too :) 'well look on the bright side, at least im not downloading them illegally!' he says while stealing dvds. feels like hes calling me out. im watching this series on a bootleg website lmao. anyway, him turning the tech into a transformer. love that

-mASters BLASters sTOp diSAsterS shut the fuck up. you will never be valerie or danny. bite chomp kill. violence

-like this if u crie everytiem

-my god the 3d/cgi mixed in looks SO BAD IT DIDNT AGE WELL AT ALL

-the white stripe in dannys hair kinda rules tho. did he just KILL HIS GHOST HALF??? 'revert his human half back to normal' UM. you ever unkill yourself. why are his friends/jazz so mad about it, he'll be in a lot less danger!! christ. they can still hunt ghosts!! as humans!! if they want to!! hes 14 if he wanted to be normal. let him. vlads stupid little team has things COVERED apparently. why are they acting like this. jazz would never act like this. is this fake whats going ON

-oh my god jack was in a college band. vlad was also in the band. what did instruments they play. i didnt need that headline to tell me they sucked, but i want to KNOW MORE REGARDLESS

-valerie was here for 0.3 seconds.

-sam calling danny selfish. the audacity. no one is stopping YOU from hunting ghosts, girl. valerie does it!!

-I'm halfway through the episode and incredibly underwhelmed so far.

-why would they send jack and 3 teens to space to destroy the asteroid. why not professional astronauts. not even the 3 teens that have already been to space this episode...

-jack getting beat up by teenagers. ON TV. IN SPACE. I GUESS. I GUESS EVERYONE AGREED TO SEND JACK BECAUSE..VLAD SAID SO? we know it was to embarrass jack, but why would everyone agree. why didnt any other space program Do More or whatever, they sent like, 3 rockets/missiles tops?? no way

-danny attempting to punch vlad in the face. i WISH HE WOULDVE LANDED THAT HIT.

-vlad outed himself on live tv, on purpose? and BLASTED AT THE TEENAGERS HE HIRED. LMAO. HES HOLDING THE WORLD HOSTAGE, MAKING THEM PAY HIM BILLIONS TO STOP THE STUPID ASTROID. THATS YOUR GRAND PLAN??? REALLY. REALLY. im like. lmfao

-jack just now, on the last episode GETTING TOLD HE MADE VLAD A GHOST. THIS SHOULDVE HAPPENED WAY SOONER. jack's reaction was one of the only times in this entire show hes seemed human. 'an old friend? no. you? yes.' GET HIS ASSSS ACTUALLY. HE STRAIGHT UP LEFT VLAD IN SPACE. GOD DAMN. that is a Murder! I mean, I guess vlad could fly back to earth, but...I mean, he'll have to, right? no food in space. (that we KNOW of...)

-'thE WHolE EArtH, INTangiBLe?!' oh my god.

-...the white strand of hair somehow still had ghost dna, I guess, and getting blasted turned him back into phantom. I GUESS. I GUESS.

-the fentons being the first to clap for danny despite not knowing hes phantom...that was sweet. and very sudden character development, not at all gradual over the course of time or episodes like it probably should have been...

-sam and danny kissing. IT SHOULDVE BEEN VALERIE, BUT OKAY, I GUESS. also, its a little underwhelming, considering theyve kissed already...

-ALL of the ghosts being ready to beat danny's ass? really. no they wouldn't, they've worked together before, and some of those ghosts are friendly!! cringe. why is the last ep written like this. I mean they came thru at the last minute but. was really cringing for a minute there, why did they write it like that

-valerie is there for another 0.3 seconds! ....she should've been more involved. dani is also there! for also like 0.3 seconds. almost fast enough to miss. (btw, I think shes still homeless at this point, are, we going to...do ANYTHING ABOUT THAT IN THE LAST 5 MINS OF THE SHOW)

-the cgi smoke or whatever it is. this whole post is me saying the cgi is bad, but IT IS.

-'danny or should we say. DAAANNNNY.' this is like the 3rd or 4th time hes been outed damn, but to the whole world, again. and valerie saw, and is just. an extra in the bg clapping. bro im so mad.

-TUCKER IS THE NEW MAYOR? WHAT THE FUCK?? HES 14.

-i think. this is still linked to the dream ep a few times ago. hes still dreaming. this is a plot a 14 year old would write. this feels like a bad fanfic. so much got rushed, and not tied up. vlad wasnt really even the villain this episode, a fucking. non-being asteroid was.

-they kiss again. ok. sure. whatever at this point.

-VLAD IS NOW A FREE-ROAMING SPACE NOMAD. I GUESS. THATS. SURE. WHATEVER. THE END, I GUESS. cannot believe I'm saying this, but: they did vlad dirty.

-IF YOU'RE GOING TO MAKE HIM A VILLAIN, MAKE HIM A VILLAIN!!! DON'T MAKE IT A METEOR!!! STOP BEING WISHY WASHY WHO WANTS TO SEE DANNY VS ASTEROID!!! I didnt even WANT vlad to be the final villain because his character is SO back and forth (esp this season.) but he has done some FUCKED UP SHIT AND I WANTED THE WRITERS TO DOUBLE DOWN, PERSONALLY, IF THEY HAD TO MAKE HIM THE FINAL BOSS. the cabin ep where he basically held danny and maddie hostage? FUCKED. THE DANI THING? FUCKED. FUCKING COMMIT AND MAKE HIM ACTUALLY SCARY OR HAVE HIM FUCK OFF AND AGREE TO A TRUCE!! WHAT IS THIS DYING IN SPACE NONSENSE. (and, he will (fully) die out there, right? still half human, still needs food and water. I imagine he'll like, slowly half-die but this time his human side is dying. will he come back 100% ghost? we dONT KNOW. WE DONT GET TO SEE, ITS PLAYED LIKE SOME FUNNY THING AT THE END, THEN THATS IT!!! WHAT!!!)

-I don't know how to articulate how FRUSTRATING THAT IS. having him basically out himself and ''hold the world hostage'' does not track at all in my brain. like. he's always been scary because he is HUMAN, TOO. like, if he was 100% ghost, he'd be LESS scary, but vlad MASTERS has more power and influence than vlad PLASMIUS because of his position as mayor, his money, too, and his (supposed, s3 made me doubt it) intelligence/manipulation skills, and his being in good graces with jack made it HARD FOR DANNY. him outing himself for,, money and to 'control the world' i guess?? MONEY WAS NEVER HIS LIKE, MAIN GOAL. yeah obv he likes money and is materialistic and values his Rich Life, but hes got billions, the end goal? 1. getting maddie (and or danny as his son, but to me he always treated that as secondary) 2. ruining jack. this feels like they wanted to say 'oh he just wants POWER' which is. HMM?? OKAY?? obv he /does/ want power (usually over certain ppl, tho), but seeing him try to get it like this FELT WEIRD SOMEHOW. weird like the ep where he tried and failed to take over various historical civilizations, because like,, how is that realistically going to do anything for him?? just, being in that time forever and never seeing maddie aka Goal #1 again?? HELLO??? this was like that, but worse

-this was such a weird ending to an entire show. why did season 3 only have 13 episodes?? why did it feel so weirdly paced?? WHY WAS THE ENDING LIKE THAT. I think. I am going to pretend I did not see that. fucked up, dudes. I'm like...hm. I shouldn't have watched that because now I'm mad. valerie sweetie im SO sorry you shouldve been more present. it felt like..if they knew this season was going to be short, and the last season, they should've spent more time wrapping up EVERYONE'S plot lines for the entire season. imagine how cool it wouldve been if every single ep of season 3 was working towards something, a big, nice wrap up at the end, with nothing feeling TOO rushed because they'd been heading towards the End for the whole season....

I will probably end up writing a follow up full series thoughts post. In a couple of days so I can sit with my thoughts. BUT. overall, I really liked the show! (ignoring the finale and some of the moments that aged pretty poorly...) it was charming and a fun concept and very fun to watch in general :) and I am pretending the finale didnt happen <3 and I’m gonna dive RIGHT into the dp tags and mix fanart and posts in my queue, very excited to run and look at that 🏃🏻 (and, of course, make more fanart myself hehe >:3)

[justjessame]

The Deal Chapter 49

I was with Ezekiel when the cost of war came home. We heard the sound of the front gates being smashed through by what sounded like a tank, but we found out was actually just a truck. I was shocked by how fast he moved, rushing from the throne room and telling me to find a place to hide. To keep me from what was coming, to save myself, I heard him urge without words.

I couldn’t blame him for expecting me to want to hide. And the idea was tempting. It just wasn’t something I could do. I rushed in the opposite direction from the Kingdom’s leader, keeping to the shadows, trying to find out what the Saviors had been sent to do. I knew it had to be the Saviors, Dad would have no reason to attack the Kingdom. They were allies.

I can see Gavin, the man who helped me leave the Sanctuary, standing over the gathered residents of my new home. He was informing everyone of the true cost of crossing Negan. Of causing untold damage. Of daring to rise up against the status quo. From this point forward everything from the food they produced to their very lives and bodies would belong to Negan. The buildings, this vantage point, would become Gavin’s new outpost. And I closed my eyes waiting for the next salvo.

It comes in the form of a demand for the location of Ezekiel. No one, I’m proud to see, speaks up. Gavin grows frustrated. He warns that while he doesn’t want the situation to devolve into violence, if no one gives up the king they’ll force his hand. He mentions that hostages will be killed in “Negan’s way” and my heart beats harder. Maybe, if I step out, if he sees me it will buy time. Or, my more rational side warns, he’ll pick me as the target of the rage Negan clearly has with these people. He gives them five minutes.

I see, in the slight distance, a flash of silver. Not metal, but dreadlocks, and staying in the shadows I rush to meet Ezekiel to talk him down from giving himself up, in case he’s entertaining the idea. He holds up a finger to his lips when I approach, as though I need a warning to stay silent. Gesturing I realize that he plans on a diversion.

A fire, then a bus, and the people are fleeing. I’m with Ezekiel, and I see that I haven’t learned his entire plan. Locking the gates from the inside, not noticing until a moment too late that I’m still beside him, he’s planning to offer himself up. And now we’re both Gavin’s willing captives. Thanks, Zeke. Thanks a LOT.

I have to listen to Gavin monologue, and I start to wonder if being a Savior means that you have to enjoy the sound of your own voice? Perhaps they all want to emulate Negan? His eyes fall to mine and as he’s telling Ezekiel how he wished it hadn’t come to this. I have to fight the urge to roll my eyes. And then he mentions that he won’t have to endure for long, since they plan on putting his corpse on the fence of the Sanctuary, a warning to anyone else who even thinks of another rebellion. My stomach churns. More deaths, he’s reminding us, all because of Ezekiel’s need to fight against Negan.

His eyes land on mine again. “And you? Well, I’m damn sure that you’re going to be JUST the right gift for Negan after the shit show we just went through.” Bile is rising in my throat at the thought of what he’s imagining for me at Negan’s hands. Regardless of the reality of the image, regardless of what Negan would even contemplate doing to me if I was returned to him, the thought that Gavin could consider me at Negan’s mercy was unbearable.

Ezekiel, making me smile at his renewed show of confidence tries to urge Gavin to switch sides. He tries to tempt him with descriptions of my dad’s leadership. It falls on deaf ears, as Gavin looks at me clearly insinuating that even his own daughter wasn’t all that keen on Dad’s show. Gavin shouts out orders as we wait for the next move. Ezekiel is trying to undermine his authority, but that too falls flat.

I’m trying to keep my eyes on everything at once. I want to know where the next surprise is going to come from, where the rescue team will show up. Where the attack will start from. I nearly miss Gavin’s attempts failing when he tries to contact his people via walkie talkie. That’s when we all hear gunfire. And I know, help has arrived.

He shuffles us, and his men inside the theater. And then Carol and Morgan are there, chaos ensues, and I lose track of people. Ezekiel stays at my side, but the Saviors are running or dead, and Morgan is rushing after Gavin. We make our way outside, and find Morgan with Gavin clearly deciding the latter man’s fate.

Both Ezekiel and Carol ask Morgan not to kill Gavin. I add my own voice to it. “Morgan, you’ve fought so hard against THIS. Please don’t.” And as we all watch, a fighting staff pierces Gavin’s throat from behind and standing there is Henry, the little boy that Ezekiel has practically adopted.

I fight against fainting. I fight against the static ringing in my ears. I have to stay present. I can’t escape, no matter how horrifying it is to see ANOTHER child give in to the darkness. I watch as Ezekiel and Carol have completely different reactions to what Henry has done. One tells him to look away from the death he’s dealt, while another admonishes him for disobeying. One assures him that everything will be fine, another is berating him for daring to go against orders.

I look around. The fire from the distraction that Ezekiel caused still burns. The bus is still blocking the path. The gate is still locked. And no one is still standing among the buildings, but the five of us.

I wait until sunrise, but I have a bag packed and ready. Carol doesn’t seem surprised. Not that I’m leaving at least. The others are going to Hilltop. I won’t be joining them.

“Where will you go?” She asks, as I pull the backpack over my shoulders. “Alexandria isn’t livable, you won’t join us at Hilltop-” And it dawns on her. “Jessi, don’t.”

“I have a debt to fulfill, Carol.” I answer, pulling her to me for the first hug I’ve ever initiated. “Maybe, maybe if I go back-” I don’t know how to finish it. What hope could I have for returning to Negan? Not an end, but at least, hopefully a better welcome than I could expect at Hilltop.

She pulls back and casually brushes my errant hair from my face. “Stay safe, do you hear me?” She demands, searching my eyes for the same urge to die that was no doubt clear from the moment I admitted it to her. She wouldn’t find it. Helping Ezekiel find himself, talking about Pandora and hope, helped a great deal.

“I will.” I promised. “And you, keep them safe.” She knew, as I was sure she would, that I meant my family. All of them.

“Come back to us, Jessi.” I smiled sadly and walked away. Back to where the car had been left. Back to where I started this chapter. Back to my way back to Negan.

Finding the Sanctuary, or the way back to it, was easier than trying to find a place I’d never been. I was greeted by the horrifying sight of damage that I knew had happened, but I wasn’t prepared to see in person. Daryl did this. Dad did this.

The guards see me approaching on foot and they rush forward to meet me. Seeing that it’s me, they take my backpack, pat me down with less regard for my person than the men on horseback had, and then march me inside. A knock on a door I had only seen once before and a growl allowing us to enter, and there he was.

Negan. Seated at the head of the conference table. Lucille, that damn bat on top of the table and not nearly clean enough for my tastes. And his eyes flashing at the sight of me. My chin rose. His eyes searched me from head to toe.

“Take her to my apartment.” Not a single word to me. “I’ll deal with her later.” Deal with me? That was ominous, but what did I expect?

One guard took me upstairs, opened the door and pushed me inside. No backpack. No distractions, other than what I could find in his rooms. His bed was unmade. The sheets tangled, the pillows askew. I wondered if he’d had a wife visit while I was gone. I shouldn’t care, I told myself, I left. But I had a pang of pain and irritation at the idea of it.

The sofa. His spot. The gloves on the table. And there, beside them, sitting where I’d tossed it the night I slept on the couch, was the book I’d been reading. And tucked into the cover was the note I’d left.

I knew that meant he’d read it. I’d left it in the bathroom, propped up against the mirror. I hadn’t wanted him to find it immediately when the alarm was raised that I’d left. I wanted him to find it, but I wanted time. Time to get free. And look how well that had turned out, I thought, but stopped myself. This was inevitable, regardless of where I was when it happened.

I sat in my chair, and pulled the book toward me. My note, I took out and sat on the table, and I opened the book and tried to lose myself in it again. I heard the door open, but expecting lunch or some other benign interruption I didn’t raise my head from the book.

“Jessica.” I closed my eyes. His voice, so very deep and so very dark. He sat down in his spot and waited for me to put the book down. I opened my eyes and pushed it away.

“Negan.” I studied him. He looked tired, but also frustrated and angry.

I watched him put the bat down beside my book on the table, over top of my note. He leaned back in his seat. And he studied me. What was he seeing? Did he finally see that I’d found my way fully to the surface? Did he see that I was the me he’d kept saying he wanted to meet? Or did he see a traitor?

“Why did you come back?” Right to the point. Good, I hate idle chit chat.

My hands clasped together in my lap and I kept my eyes on his. “Where else would I go?” A question for a question.

His hand ran down his face and I smiled. So familiar to me. Such a Negan gesture. “Just because you’ve got nowhere else to go?” He wanted more. And he deserved it. “Why should I let you back in?” That hurt. It was expected, but it still hurt. The thought that he’d send me away.

“Because I have nowhere I’d rather be.” I answered, and I meant it. Being here with him was a far more pleasant experience than anywhere else I could go. “Let me in because I want to be here, with you.” He heard it, finally. That I wanted to be with him. Here.

“I’m going to kill your dad, Jessica.” He says it as though he’s telling me that the sky is blue. It’s clear he means it. “I’m going to bring your people to heel.”

I take a deep breath. I knew as much. Hearing it was difficult, but I also knew that it had been pushed to this. “I know.” I offer, and his eyes flash. “I told you before, Negan. I follow the leader I choose, I don’t choose to lead.”

“What happened while you were gone?” He’s still watching me, and I know he’s finally seeing the differences.

“I found myself.” I answer, and he smiles.

[beautiesandheadcanons]

Okay, I SWEAR I wasn’t going to touch God of War for the second … third? … week in a row, but I’ve noticed something in the gaming community with reviews and critics that I think really needs to be said.

.

In talking about the 2018 installment of God of War, there’s plenty to touch on and plenty that Santa Monica Studio gets right, from the combat system to the weapons to the story and character development of not only Kratos but also of Atreus. However, it seems to me that in an effort to boost the recent game, the previous installments of the game are shuffled off and either ignored or criticised for things that are just not correct or applicable. Things like … there wasn’t much story or it wasn’t very strong, that Kratos was just a one-dimensional character that only cared about fighting, that it was a good beat ‘em up game but not much else. And it irks me so bad because every single one of these points are blatantly false, and I have to wonder if the people saying and writing these things have even picked up the previous games or just weren’t paying attention at all while playing them.

.

No story? Oh yeah, one man going to war against the entire Greek pantheon – both god and titan alike – is just boring, huh? Kratos is one-dimensional and only cares about fighting? Yeah because he totally didn’t initiate his whole quest of vengeance because Ares tricked him into killing his family and he struggles living with the memory. He’s also totally not had to not only witness but hold his mother and brother as they died (after fighting both of them!). And on top of all of that, finding out that the true source of all of his rage and vengeance, the one who put him on the path he was on – the mighty Zeus – was his father? Kratos is way more than just a brute who wants to kill everything in his path, and the games aren’t exactly subtle about everything he goes through. While Kratos is stoic and doesn’t outright display much emotion other than anger, his grief and guilt manifests in other ways, such as his determination to complete his vengeance and the ferocity with which he fights in order to achieve that. In fact, the games will involve the players directly at times, making certain points especially heartbreaking.

.

I don’t know about y’all, but I’ll always remember the end fight against Ares in 1, not because of Ares, but because of what happens during the fight. After getting pulled through space/time and put in a pocket dimension, Kratos is faced with his family, the ones he loved, the source of his vengeance … being attacked by multiple copies of himself. He has to not only fight them off, but actively boost the health of his wife and daughter by HUGGING THEM in order to sacrifice his health to keep them alive. Doing all of this – all while knowing perfectly well that they’re still dead and not coming back – is heartbreaking to witness.

.

In Chains of Olypus, Kratos is reunited with his daughter, Calliope, in the Elysium Fields and is offered the chance to stay with her forever, which he initially promises he will. But upon hearing that Persephone and Atlas will destroy the entire universe – the Elysium Fields included – he has to leave her … and not only that, the player has to rapidly push a button in order for Kratos to physically push his daughter away, all so he can ultimately save her, though he’ll never see her again.

.

In the third installment, Kratos meets Pandora, a young girl he’s told he needs in order to finish his vengeance completely. But when it comes up that she would have to be sacrificed in order to give him what he seeks, he actually tries to pull the plug on everything. In spite of his want for payback, he grabs her by the arm and tries to restrain her to prevent her from being killed, unwilling to allow another little girl to die because of him. And when Zeus comes in and throws a wrench in Kratos’ wishes – as per usual, by this point – Kratos is angry. Not just because he’s an angry sort of person, but because he knows that she didn’t have to die.

.

This isn’t to say that Kratos is a good guy, though he’s also not completely a bad guy. He’s a complex character, a prideful man obsessed with achievements and glory who loses everything near and dear to him and, in his quest to enact vengeance, becomes the very thing he hates … a spiteful god. He’s the kind of character we start to cheer on in the beginning and, by the end, we slowly become horrified at everything that he’s doing in order to achieve his goals. At the very end of 3, after overthrowing the rest of the gods and the titans and plunging Greece into an apocalypse, he sees the monster he has become and comes to an epiphany. To continue, he has to put the ghosts of his past to rest, quite literally so by encountering the ghost of Pandora and hugging his wife and daughter, forgiving himself for his own failures and throwing off the guilt he’s carried for years. Being unwilling to allow the manipulative Athena more power and have himself continue to be a pawn of the gods, he impales himself on the Blade of Olympus in payment for his many, many sins. If Kratos isn’t a truly complex character as portrayed from the very first game, I’ll eat my Beauties & Headcanons tote bag.

.

Yes, the 2018 God of War is a fantastic game and a great entry to the series, of that I will never deny. But there’s no need to put down the original installments that have led up to this in order to prop it up. Let the game stand on its own merits – it’s more than capable of doing so! – and stop ignoring and/or rewriting what its predecessors were and what they contributed overall to the story of Kratos.