#how do we cope hw do we fucking cope...

[layraket]

THERE WAS AN UPDATE SLEEPING? WHATS THAT??

first of all we start with this beautiful shot

god thats some cool architecture i have no words clapping

Wind is so ready to kick that lizard's ass i love him

this confirms the fact that theyre in the same place but in a different era (also i swear im convinced that this place takes place at least no far from Hyrule's era, the statue behind Legend and the corridors inside are almost the same as in Zelda1 and 2)

that was the worst joke i have heard today good job rulie lots of kudos /lh

the boys entering a place where they could find the most dangerous shit in all Hyrule, and then there's my girl who is having the best lunch ever

when i first read this i almost spit all my water on my phone cuz. Wars my man these people are like. crazy with dungeon crawl. you can't say that and expect a normal reaction.

their expressions are gold no notes

TIME'S SIDE EYE LMAO

Sky looking concerned, and Wars with the most "i dont know what is everyones problem but alright" face i love him

In a war there's no time to explore or search for things that can be useful, or even search for clues, less with the fact that youre leading an army. There was no puzzle, no mistery to solve or objects that needed to be obtained, just plain fight and confrontation, not leaving space for investigation or even a good rest in town

They have a point, without exploring they wouldn't have the arsenal that they carry; powerful items that can kill a whole army of monsters, a gift left by the hero before them to help, shinies. All that is really useful when you want to save the whole kingdom

lets not forget all the weapons that you can get on HW, there are some that are like, crazy powerful, and the materials get from the enemies are also really helpful

guys i think youre the only crazy people who love to enter a random place full of monsters and maybe a demon lord or smth

OK THIS IS THE PANNEL WHERE I WANTED TO TALK A LITTLE ABT

This reminds me of this short comic where Wild was almost grabbed by a wallmaster, do this takes place some time before this scene?? or just from another time?? I find possible the first option cuz Wild looks more wary the whole update, like if he already found out what will happends if he puts his guard down

Also the fact that the closest thing that he had as a dungeon were the Divine Beast and the shrines, which both of them lacked a lot of things that were usually in the clasic zelda's dungeons, like keys, mini bosses, special object and pots.

Hyrule my guy you dont. have to scare him like that. i hate these things too but calm down.

fucking gremlin /pos

taking this as an opportunity to talk about how Legend's behaviour has been seen changed in the past updates, he's more relaxed and playful, taking a moment to just have fun and prank the rest of the chain

this reminds me

here is left clear that he's still young, maybe not even on his twenties, and now after that stressfull time with Twi being on the verge of death it makes sense that he feels the need of just, goof around to cope after all that

Yes he's the most experienced, yes is maybe the most powerful of them, but he's still a young boy who was dragged to all this, he deserves to have some fun

happy guy :)

and then we have Time, he looks like Not Having A Good Time™

Messy hair Warriors <3

also i know we all put Sky as one of the adults, but cmon he's a little shit as much as the rest, thats why he finds funny Legend's joke

Wild my man you good? like im genuinely asking at this point, it is weird seeing him so serious

god thats such a cool design of a skulltula, its so scary 10/10

Wild has never seen in his life a spider of this size, so it makes sense him just, straight up getting surprised by that thing

OUGHH I FELT THAT

Sky being right-handed looks like a problem in this closed space, soon or later it would make some troubles

Legend no offence but did you see the little accident they had right there. like. that really hurts if you ask me.

Okay Time is really at his limit here, the past days has been hell for him with the stress of almost loosing the one that he might see as his son, and seeing all the boys just playing around is not helping. Theyre all heroes, they should take this danger seriously if they want to stop all danger.

He wants to protect the ones that he cares for, even if he has to snap for it.

Here he might be planning to team up with Twi and Wind? The youngest seems to have gained his attention as his second successor. He will make anything it takes to not let all of them get hurt, and with everything he means it

Just wait when he learns that Legend is also his successor, automatically adopted

NOW MY FAV PARTS WITHOUT COMMENTARY!!!

SOMEHOW I GOT THE IMAGE LIMIT???? I DIDNT THOUGHT THAT IT WAS POSSIBLE ON WEB

anyways have confused warriors as the last one pls aprecciate him

tumblr pls let me eat the art i beg you

art credits as always towards @linkeduniverse! always feeling blessed with all this fantastic work!

[wutheringmights]

<shakily rolling into your inbox> Would you gift us with chapter commentary, please?

Your wish is my command:

Framing the past section around headlines was not my original plan. I wanted to do a repeating refrain of "This is how the war ended," but when it came time to actually write it, I was bored with it. Yeah, kinda thought about it too hard. So I went back to the drawing board.

I also considered framing the chapter around the passing seasons, but that seemed too boring. I wanted something with a bit more pizazz.

Plus, one of my favorite genres of fan work is in-universe media like newspapers and magazine covers. This is a pretty weak attempt at it, but at least I threw my hat into the ring.

I've been trying for a while now to imply that the original HW storyline is what was spread as propaganda to the people of Hyrule, but this is the first time I made it really, really clear.

So the engineer being assigned to the coast is a reference to how the DLC that features Toon Link is the one where there's suddenly an ocean. Very smooth of me lol

This chapter ended up being a bit of a dumping ground for all of the relationships I was ignoring in favor of writing about the brothers, ironically because I too was too consumed with the engineer and the child to write about anything else, which in turn really drove home how all-consuming their presence was for Link

The fun thing about Midna's scene is that her and Link going on nightly walks together was one of the very first ideas I had for CTB by virtue of it being inherited from when I thought I was going to write a romcom. Incredible that it took half a million words to finally get to it.

My favorite part of the past is the bit where Link writes all of the letters to the engineer. It's just a lot of fun to sit there and figure out what kind of bullshit he would spout to kinda apologize but not really. It was even more fun to punch him back down with Lincoln's brutal response. Just rereading it, I feel like you can tell I was having a blast.

I also had a lot of fun finding ways to show symptoms of Link's alcoholism getting worse without him realizing it. The constant headaches, the nausea, the shakey hands, the sensory sensitivity-- him experiencing all of this and going so deep into denial that he can't understand why his body is reacting that way.

It's been so long since I've managed to give Toto some screen time that I kinda forgot how much I like his character? He's just a guy, but I like that he's just a guy. But I don't think I made it too clear in the chapter that in their friend group, they were the least friends with each other. Link was closer to Anders, and Toto to Uri. They're being driven together by virtue of being the only ones left, moreso than I initially conveyed.

And, of course, I got to talk about Uri again. Again, Uri is always so interesting to handle because he is a character who we will never see in person and Link is too traumatized by the death of to think about in detail. Even now, Uri feels like a mystery. All we know about him is how Link feels about him.

And finally, Zelda. The thing about Zelda is that I feel like her goals are really transparent, but I always get comments from people who want there to be this moment where everything about her is spelled out. And, despite the fact that she monologues about her feelings here, I don't think this is exactly what everyone was hoping for. The more I read it over, I can see how she probably just got more confusing.

Also, I know I need to stop writing monologues. But have you considered that the monologues are sexy?

I feel like I should say something about how Zelda's relationship with Hylia, but it really speaks for itself. I will say that as much as I like how BOTW is so ambiguous with Hylia, I am a little bit more fascinated with the idea that "your god is real and they specifically hate you." Like, how are you supposed to cope with that? We should all be thankful Zelda isn't more fucked up than she is.

I should also say something about her thoughts on the engineer... so first, my goal with that relationship was always for it to be toxic from both ends, with the engineer trying to use her while she uses him-- which gets even more complicated when you consider all the ways Zelda echoes Link. Like Link, she sees parts of herself in the engineer. Unlike him, she wants to save be saved, so she in turn saves him. Link hates himself so much that he has to drag everyone else down with him.

In the era of everyone wanting Zelda to no longer be a damsel in distress, it's kind fun to give her the traditional goal of being saved by someone else, to then twist it around. She is begging to be rescued, but she won't fix anything herself.

This idea really goes against the popular depictions of HW Zelda, which is why I have iterated before that this Zelda is not Artemis. She's her own thing.

There was going to be more about how the war ended, but I decided to keep it for next chapter because (you guessed it) the word count got too long.

On to the present--

Congrats to everyone who said they wanted to see more of Spirit and Warriors talking shop. You really won with this chapter.

That being said, I always think that I never write what people want when they want it. Like I will write a chapter with a lot of action, so everyone says they want more action next. But then I follow it up with a chapter of people just talking, so I get a lot of people requesting more of that. But then, it's back to heavy action.

All that's to say that I feel bad that there wasn't more character drama this chapter

Also, I feel really bad for not including either Hyrule or Wind in this chapter. Those two are the characters people ask me to write more about the most. But unfortunately, the thing about juggling a large cast of characters is that some times you have to sit down and get a few of those characters out of the way for a bit so that we can focus on other things.

I don't want to make it sound like I was targeting those two on purpose. They just had the best excuse for not going on the Nephus mission.

Speaking of which, I feel terrible for constantly finding ways to leave Lana and Linkle out of the action-- and that's after I've talked so much about adding more women into the story to balance out the default nine dudes LU requires me to add. But again, there are so many characters that I have to find ways to leave some of them behind. And again, it was really easy to give them an excuse to not be in the main action. But It's probably a bad thing that they are easily excused. I should work on that.

And I know I can write scenes with a shit ton of characters talking together. I've done it plenty of times in CTB and other ensemble stories before it. But it's a lot of work, and when I need to focus on more important plot points, the last thing I want to juggle is balancing every scene so that everyone has something to do.

Sorry to belabor that point. Sometimes, I get really annoyed with how big the cast it when it's not even my fault.

It is my fault. I just want to complain.

I appreciate everyone who has their own version of Spirit going on more legendary adventures while he is wearing his OSHA mandated work uniform. I know the Heroes of Hyrule are not unionized, but I at least would like to make sure he is properly dressed with an adventure.

That being said, his Castle Guard uniform was partially inspired by the uniform for the Free Planets Alliance in the original Legend of the Galactic Heroes:

That is not a great photo, but I was envisioning something like this-- "this" being a more modern cut with clear nautical influences (cause the Castle Guard was probably originally a navy)

Also the crest on Spirit's uniform is Tetra's pirate emblem. Do not get be started about how I fucked up the crest of the New Hyrulean royal family back in chapter 6 and how I have been looking for some band-aid to place over that mistake so that it would look like I did it on purpose

I didn't expect the scene where Spirit talks to Four to be so polarizing. I didn't even think it was a significant moment when I wrote it. Yet I've seen a huge gambit of reactions, from people calling Spirit cruel or others saying that the moment was sweet. That being said, I am living for this. If there is one thing I want right now, it is for everyone's opinion on Spirit to be split.

Did you guys enjoy me trying to write about how machinery works? Honestly, I could have probably cut all that, but I did so much work establishing the mechanics behind the ganons in previous chapters that I felt like I had to go through with it.

My original plan was for Warriors's plan to involve taking Philo hostage from the start, but I changed it because writing a kidnapping scene would have been too much work. It still really bugs me. The way the chapter is written now feels really cheap, but again. I didn't feel like I had enough space.

I also ran into the fun problem of wanting to show the nuances of Philo and Icarius's relationship when one can't speak and the other would not speak Hylian. Legend saved my ass a bit with this one, but I don't know if all of the little details got through.

Speaking of which, I should talking the House of Nephus

So obviously, I wanted the House of Nephus to reflect the original brothers dynamic. The idea is that they are what Warriors, Spirit, and Time/Mask would turn into if both Spirit and Mask stayed.

Except, in practice, I had to give them their own distinct personalities so that they wouldn't be boring as fuck

Icarius and Philo got away with getting small but really effective changes. They both still feel like reflections of Spirit and Time respectively

But Nephus.... so my original personality for him was someone as jaded and mean as Warriors is at his worst. But he felt too much like Zelda or Impa. So I went back to the drawing board to find some character angle that would be really interesting and effective for how little screen time he will ultimately get.

My inspiration came from the Virginia Woolf seminar I was in when I first started working on CTB. I was thinking a lot about rich, British assholes; very specifically about the kind who are self-prescribed intellectuals who fetishize non-white cultures while maintaining the superiority of Western imperialism.

So with that in hand, I got rid jadedness and turned Nephus into a guy dripping with charisma but is unaware of how terrible of a person he is. And as a reflection of Warriors, he works thematically.

But you can make the argument that this is not the story for this kind of a character, especially when I have already gone through such lengths to clarify that Hyrule is an imperialist nation that echoes America. You can see me poking fun at it in some of the dialogue during this scene, but still.

(And it gets worse when you look at the subtext of how light vs dark magic is treated between Hyrule and Faovaria).

So, yeah. I deserve some criticism for this one. I know it. But I didn't change it because I just liked how immediately interesting Nephus was. I couldn't think of an alternative that would have been as effective as this affable evil. Sorry about that.

Another idea I had was that Nephus was going to be the Faovarian equivalent of the Hero of Hyrule, and he would even have his own dual blades of dark and light magic to prove it. I ended up not doing this because it was too heavy handed.

I originally was going to keep the swords, and I even realized that if I had planned things out a bit better, the dark magic sword could have been Ghirahim. I decided that it would have been too out of left field to have worked, but man. I have regretted since day 1 that I cut Ghirahim from the story. I'm sorry, Ghirahim.

And then I didn't even include the swords. Motherfucker.

That actually was a genuine mistake on my part, because the point of the swords would have been to give Nephus's speech on his religion more credence. We as the audience know that the goddesses exist. And yet... why does there seem to be more to the gods of this universe? Are Hylia and the Golden Three really just oracles? If Nephus has these cool swords, what other powers and weapons does Faovaria have within its borders? You know, just world building stuff.

I came up with too much story for the House of Nephus than what I will ultimately have space to include in CTB. I'll try to strategic so that you won't be annoyed with the lack of answers from some of the questions you probably have.

As important as Nephus is, he's ultimately not the main antagonist of the story. If I was willing to write 20 more chapters, I could do a lot more with him, Philo, and Icarius; but I would like to see the end of CTB someday lol

Originally, only Time, Spirit, and Midna were going to go with Warriors to meet Nephus. There was definitely going to be this bit where Spirit and Warriors were going to be like "oh fuck, he's hot" as Nephus flirted with them. Meanwhile, Time (a married man) would be sitting there like "really??? both of you have horrible taste??"

I am also realizing I forgot to write a moment where Warriors is horrified to realize that Nephus was going to make Philo sit there in pain instead of rushing him to a doctor. Fucking hell.

Also, that Nephus's spirit feels normal to Spirit is important. Not on a plot level, but thematically. Just hang on to that thought next time you think about the whole spirit sensing thing.

I always knew that CTB was going to evolve into a Triforce quest story. There's no way I could write about a guy who's supposed to be this brutal strategist and not let him realize he has an easy solve to everything. But I also didn't want this to be easy or feel cheap. It's why I went through all that effort to establish that getting those pieces would involving going up against the Royal Family and the Knights of Hyrule. It's going to be hard, and it will involve all the fighting and manipulating you expect CTB to have. It'll also involve moral dilemmas.

After all, we've been talking about the moral dilemmas presented by the Triforce since at least chapter 6 (remember when I said that there was so much set-up in that chapter for stuff that was for far later in the story? Hello, pay off!)

All that's to say that I am worried that people don't like this direction. I have gotten a few comments about how excited people are for Warriors's plan, but only time will tell if this ruined the story for some people.

And I know I worry a lot about ruining CTB. That's not a problem that's going to be solved any time soon, so let me have this one.

Finally, the chapter was going to go until Time's talk with Warriors. Decided to move it to next chapter because, you guessed it, space.

[daveyfvckingjacobs]

Prev anon here PLEASE say more, I love modern aus sm

*dramatic sigh*

*checks watch* I have hw to do but if you insist

au is honestly the vaguest way to phrase it but I love it nonetheless. I think that the main reason yous all like the tweets so much is they’re 100% my mind without incorrect quotes or anything involved so thank @finchfvkingcortez and the hour long convos we have for that because that shit is BIZARRE

so yeah. sorta modern/social media where the main shenanigans we talk about are race and albert dealing with god damn tiktok comments (cause we all know they can be WILD). the most fleshed out bits are specific character hcs so yous get that first

as per usual with modern aus, the manhattan newsies collectively live in a group home (and milk tf out of it just because it gets funny reactions online). they’re pretty chill with it, and do weekend/morning newspaper rounds for what’s basically pocket money let’s be honest

anyway

character hcs

race - he/him, trans and ‘aggressively bi’. he went through the whole she/her > she/they > they/them > he/they > he/him pipeline and will murder you if you bring it up. he’s dating albert and spot, spot basically on accident after albert dared him to flirt with her and they flirted back and massively just Vibes™️. I feel like I overuse him in tweets but he’s so dumb that he just works here. autism/adhd king, with a sprinkling of ptsd, and he does NOT take his meds ever, driving everyone insane but they love him anyways. italian and very passionate about it. has way too much clout on tiktok and farms his friends for it

albert - he/him, gay, dating finch, spot and race “somehow”. I pretty much combine sky and jacob with him, where he has two older and one younger brother. benji is with a foster family albert didn’t want to stay with and their older brothers are in an endless battle to get custody of them both (he jokes about it sm and they both hate him for it, like “you got custody yet???” “fuck you”). he has too many piercings to count because he does them himself whenever he gets bored and Does Not Learn that it’s a bad idea. dealt with cd when he was younger but it didn’t develop further. he knows like three phrases in portuguese and got into an argument with finch about him being wrong without realising he was speaking spanish once

jack - he/him and bi, dating katherine and davey (after kath put a gun to his head and made him ask davey out). he’s the identified Big Brother of the others and takes it comically seriously while also being exhausted of them all. by all technicalities he’s flagged on every train line that leave the city because he definitely has not made it halfway to new mexico once at 11, but that’s irrelevant he’d never do that again nope. adhd and some mild abandonment issues, hands are always covered in doodles and he also draws on everyone else too whether they want him to or not

davey - he/they, demiboy and gay, dating Jack and has absolutely zero idea how it happened (“I’m going out with jack…” “your sisters ex?” “…yeah?” “ok then🧍”). he’s much more of a weirdo than people give them credit for and comes out with thee most concerning statements completely unprompted like it’s nothing. jewish, autistic with a side of anxiety that the newsies are helping a lot with and be spend 99% of their time with them between school to the point he’s almost dead on his feet. he’s this close to changing race’s twitter password, and is besties with elmer who loves the opportunity to speak polish with someone

crutchie - any pronouns, just chills with identifying as queer and milks ‘had polio in the 21st century’ like their life depends on it because how else are you gonna cope with severe neglect. most people call him charlie in public because they’re all terrified of getting chewed out by well meaning members of the public (crutchie won’t correct anyone). an absolute menace with nerf guns and usually sticks to jack like glue, because they spent time in and out of foster homes when they were much younger together

katherine - she/her, bi, dating jack. she’s practically an inch away from losing her job with how much time she spends not working to hang around with the newsies, is captain of the javey fan club and just all around a legend. constantly gets rich jokes and accepts it as necessary for their friendship. most of what I have for her aligns with canon already ngl

spot - she/he/they, genderfluid and bi, agab is the worlds biggest unsolved mystery that will remain unsolved. always refers to race and albert as her weird looking dogs. lives in a home in brooklyn after spending a few years completely on the streets. ptsd and absolutely no ability to acknowledge it (race and al help), and he’s absolutely covered in both stick and poked and legit but illegal tattoos

finch - he/him, gay, dating albert. he ran away a total of six times and lived in several parks for weeks before someone decided ‘hey maybe we should take him away lol’ and so deals with chronic hypothermia and trust issues. raised a baby sparrow that won’t leave now that it’s an adult, but he didn’t name it so the others just call it “finch’s baby boy”. irish/spanish decent but no real connection to either because it’s a link to his family, which he’d rather not have

morris - he/him, gay and steadily getting over a lot of internalised homophobia. spent way too much time with oscar in and out of crappy homes or their father/uncles ‘care’ so is very dependent on his brother. autism, ocd and cptsd, all of which he gets very little actual support for. he spends way too much money endlessly looping on the subway cause the movement is relaxing. he’s on friendlier terms with the newsies than oscar

oscar - he/it, aroace, probably aligns with agender but doesn’t think about it, autism/adhd (where adhd is significantly more apparent), bpd, aspd, cptsd and mild dyscalculia because he’s my current fav so I have to fuck it over the most. very protective over morris and has zero tolerance for the newsies unlike his brother. it’s camera roll consists entirely of bad candids of morris. taught himself to play a guitar he found in a skip, cannot read sheet music and primarily uses it as stim. I could do an entire thing just about modern delancey’s honestly

I said more x

feel free to ask stuff about this cause I love developing the nonsense the way I don’t get to just in the tweets

[rubberduckyrye]

I'm really fucking angry

I just had an ADHD therapy appointment--if you can call it that--and I just--actually just.

Like this is how the conversation basically went:

Therapist: So I think that maybe now is not a good time for ADHD counseling for you.

Me: Uh??? Why???

Therapist: I just feel like you aren't able to complete the hw assignments I gave you. I've been frustrated during our sessions that you havent been doing them and so we havent been making any progress.

Me: Not doing my--wtf are you on about?

Therapist: You haven't been doing your hw much at all.

Me: I'm. Really confused. -I proceed to start listing off the hw assignments I did do because this asshole's lying through their teeth-

Therapist: Ah. You do make a valid point... you did your hw at first, but then stopped.

Me: What hw did I not do??

Therapist: Well during the time you were in caregiver mode, you had two assignments I gave you that you did not do.

Me: You mean when I was using literally all of my energy to take care of Celest to the point where I. Literally could do nothing else? That I specifically told you I could do nothing else?

Therspist: Yes.

Me: Sp you're frustrated that those two assignments weren't... done. Because I was in Caregiver mode.

Therapist: Mhmm.

Me: And--if I remember correctly--I was able to do one of my hw assignments for our last appointment. What about that? You're saying nows ~not a good time for ADHD counciling~ because I missed two hw assignments??

Therapist: Well yes. We've only had 5 sessions after all. That's 2/5 assignments.

Me: And you. You haven't even considered the fact that I was in a literal crisis mode during those two periods of time?

Therapist: ...

Me: And you're getting frustrated over an ADHDer struggling to do your hw assignments, which is. Why that ADHDer is seeing you in the first place?? Because this is an absolute struggle and you're supposed to help them find coping strategies that work???

Therapist:

Me: AND ON TOP OF THAT, you, the ADHD professional, are frustrated with an ADHDer unable to complete assignments--something that is a NOTORIOUS PROBLEM with ADHDers???

Therapist:

Me: Yeah well maybe now isn't a good time to have ADHD counseling. Maybe never! Because this company is fucking atrocious! Close my case I am never coming back, fuck you.

[crowvainn]

sighh, big vent/rant abt my life issues bc im lowkey tweaking 💔

had a mental breakdown bc im stressed about what will happen to me in the futureeee (anxiety! how fun /sarc) and im really unhappy with the fact that my mom will never accept my gender identity (shes islamic…) and i genuinely feel like a piece of shit bc i seem to always act like a ungrateful and selfish bitch-

a couple days ago i had heartburn, because i don’t eat particularly well (binge eating and eating unhealthy food in general… i really try to not to do so but it’s hard :() and that made my mom pretty stressed and i felt horrible about it and im scared with the possibility that i could damage myself greatly.

i also generally act stubborn and, well, not the best- it causes her to be pretty snappy with me (which i understand, i just wish she isn’t so harsh) and when i was being very much random and like… i don’t fucking know, just me being a weirdo again- she said to me “something bad will happen in your life, mark my words” or something like that. im not sure if she actually meant that (bc we were already stuck in the rain at that time and had came back from a reoccurring meeting thing she doesn’t exactly enjoy… can’t really say here for privacy reasons-) but that freaked me out big time. like… sorry for just being who i am, silly and well, myself… like jeepers give me a warning before you drop something very much not good at all that makes me question myself deeply 😨

i really wish i could change how i act, even my identity, because i just wish that my mom accepted me. i wish i was a better person, i wish could meet her standards, i just wish that she supported me. but no, of course not. im sure she still loves me, even with me being a freaky goober, but she definitely doesn’t like how i am. i wish i can improve how i act for the better, but god damn that’s hard.

and with the fact that i have anxiety (i have a lot of symptoms, i can’t get professionally diagnosed, soo self diagnosed), anger issues, im super emotional andddd im stuck home with not much to do but be on devices n shit and just,, being alone with my thoughts a lot,,, i’ve just not been coping well, at all-

eugh… i wish school started earlier, so i’d be able to talk to my friends, as well as just being in a environment where im not??? alone with me myself and i??? this fucking sucks

i swear therapy would make me feel so much better, but im lowkey scared to talk about this to the counselors at my school about it, and i did ask my mom about getting therapy like a couple weeks back and she waved it off and said i didn’t need it… bitch you clearly know that im broken asf and you dont let me? :( ik it stresses her out but pleas….. do something that can help me feel better again aghhh

i also really hate that i have short term memory, and i can’t really understand some things correctly. it’s so damn annoying :C and with the fact that i was let on the internet at a pretty young age didn’t help either. like, fucking 2nd grade, is when i lost my innocence. god damn (then again, that’s when i moved to one of the other boroughs from queens, so. i got immediately exposed💀) and i was left unsupervised so much. im still on the internet a lot, and im not happy about that at all. but because of summer break, im stuck at home, andd i don’t have a lot to do besides basic chores, hw and reading. being on the internet is a escape from reality for me, but i really wish it wasn’t. im trying to do stuff other than being online but all the negative thoughts keep flooding back in my head… it’s literally so miserable even being online isn’t working to make those thoughts go away.

i feel dumb and useless. i feel like im a nuisance to everyone. i just wish i can belong, and i wish i was happy. im fucking scared of growing up, and im scared of what i’ll become. what the fuck will i even do when im an adult? i can’t fathom it at fucking all. im worried my life really will take a turn for the worst. (what if what my mom said is true…?)

i hate panicking. it’s starting to become more prominent :( and i’ve also been panicking with the thought of me being a therian, in which it’s like “oh no sam you might be a cambitherian or a therian and not animalhearted” to “no you can’t be either of those animalhearted resonates with you the most.” “righttttt…..?” and repeat. i don’t think i really identify as a cat at all but my brain is funky :< but like i do feel better with being cathearted. cats are my found family, but not my kin. if i had the ability to i’d def be a cat though. it would be a more stress free life 💔💔

now im using my ipad to take my mind off of the stress and rant abt this. welp… not helping that my ipad has a cracked screen and i have to get it fixed for the third time…. and that i have to deal with the hassle of moving soon… the only decent thing is me going to the beach on monday. maybe i’ll be a bit less active tomorrow. well i’ll try to- the summer reading homework isn’t doing itself…. sobbing

i feel like im typing gibberish now oopsies. its 11pm💀 sighhh I just hope things will get better soon, maybe when school starts again i’ll be able to cope better. (i feel like im repeating things a lot, but oh well)

[shinycollarboneapologist]

bestie how are we doing!!! I've been so busy I forgot to send talk to youuuu!

(and by busy I mean forcibly spending time with my father.. I'm so overjoyed about it.)

but enough about him, how are you?? how is the killer sunburn?! have you died yet?

also I love that you are a fellow gilmore girls fan!! I must know what team you're on tho, as previously stated I am team logan and obviously everyone is team luke!!! I literally have seen gilmore girls maybe 300 times all the way through lol, it's my revision tv show and with the amount of fucking exams I have I'm revising/studying all the time so I watch it A LOT.

how are you coping with the video of matty in Sydney... I am NOT coping well. its gotten so bad it literally infiltrated my dream last night!! I was thinking of my usual dream scenario that I carry on everynight (yes I write my own fanfic in my head... yes I also have therapy weekly there's no connection) and then I finally fell asleep and BAM dream Matthew. I can't believe he's somehow infiltrated my subconscious mind, he's too powerful istg!!

also lowkey in my George era rn, him and charli are so fit it's sending me into a spiral! I'm also in my matty in skirts era... Matthew bring it back PLEASE I NEED IT

why couldn't I be a fan during the skirt era I'm so heartbroken >:'(

anyway that's my ramble love uuuuuu

-ace :)

BABY HI <3 hope you've had a good few days. (i can feel the sarcasm through the screen, ur in my thoughts)

i did die, and then the worst part was i was dying at WORK. :/ thank u for asking <3

TEAM LOGAN ALL THE WAY. he was so good for rory and then she FUCKED IT ALL UP. (i literally cannot stand rory in the later seasons) luke god ... i want that MAN. its such a comfort show to me, i watch it every fall i feel like. i just want to move to stars hollow (or a place like it). i feel that so deeply. i am currently putting off my lab reports and hw rn...

i am not coping well at all. every dream i have had since seeing it has been matty coded or has had matty IN IT. i truly am just ... whipped for the man at this point. he makes me 🧎‍♀️. he's so powerful, but we must never let him know.

GEORGE ERA. he's so fine. and charli is ... everything to me. if they need a dog, i can bark. if they need a third, i am willing. DID YOU SEE HER COACHELLA PERFORMANCE? GODDDDd. i hope he knows how to fight because im ready.

the skirt era was so so s so so good. i liked them then but i wasn't like ... following them actively so i feel so depraved.

love u sm.

[pepprs]

still haven’t cried yet but today broke my whole entire heart

[heckolve]

.

[lumberjackloverboy-moved]

Thoughts on Hyrule Warriors Link?

Asking for a friend

So. Many. Granted 98% surround the sheer amount of trauma he must have taken from the game (war of ages? war of eras? idfk it's been years since i've played)

it frustrates me how from the moment the game came out ppl were like 'oh here's the ~pretty link~ he's a self-centered womanizer' and then just stopped exploring his character there???? like, most of the links were on their own doing their own thing-- hw link was leading armies and fighting as a general. Yes, he is cocky, but how much of that is a coping mechanism and how much of that was a character trait that was pushed onto him? Link is minding his own business when he's chosen by zelda. he's a knight, a good one but still just a knight, and pulled out of the crowd and told by the princess herself that he's better than everyone. and when thousands of lives are in your hands, wouldnt you lean into that support and trust? i think he's so desperate to do the right thing that he creates his own cocky persona. and we see how much that fucks him up-- the creation of dark link i think was a slap in the face to him that he cant keep pretending to be what people want him to be if it means it will put others in danger.

then there's the cia/lana problem. i've mentioned before how horrifying it must be to be stalked like that, have your friends, family, the soldiers you are in charge of, and even people from other eras endangered bc a woman is targeting you. people joke abt cia and link but like, that is an example of sexual harassment with a literal body count of thousands. and then lana's deal-- i dont blame her for not telling anyone she's also cia/the same person, but i cant imagine how twitchy being around her would make link. i'd be uncomfortable and hell and feel like a horrible person for being uncomfortable. and then cia dies and a literal part of lana dies. someone on your side DIES directly because of YOUR ACTIONS. was link in the wrong? of course not. do i think he saw it that way? yep. that man is walking talking survivors guilt.

idk i just feel like people forget that just bc he's pretty and cocky that he debatably faced the greatest fight in the franchise. ganon, cia, ghriahim, zant, the dragon guy, the wizrobe guy (im too lazy to google), dark link(s), and an entire enemy army. that's asking a LOT of someone.

[incorrect-ikevamp-quotes]

What type of kids do you think the ikevamp guys would be if they went to high school?

Oh boy HERE WE GO

(Under a cut bc this post is a Long Boi^TM)

Napoleon. Would prbly be that kid that’s like somehow bafflingly in the top ten of his class but nobody ever sees him??? Like he’s always late to school or napping in the quietest places on campus (they found him in a locker once and the school was laughing about it for WEEKS bc he insisted he was just chillin, and it wasn’t like a bullying incident he just wanted to sleep LMAO). Surprisingly amiable? A lot of people are afraid of him at first but he’s just so casual and direct, he gains quite a few friends (and a good number of girls have a crush on him--he always diverts the attention of skeevy guys). Good friends with Jeanne because they fence together a lot, and people are always baffled at how easily they chat

Mozart. Where do I begin. Number one in his class, perfectionist prick. That one kid that’s a known prodigy and that everyone hates for his impeccable grades and musical talent. Always gets the solos and conducting roles in the school performances. He knows how to play a crowd--will always be sweet and cherubic in front of teachers. But when it’s just the students? All gloves are off. Frigid and incendiary, will not take any shit and will tear you apart with words in milliseconds. Do not cross. He will end your entire life and self-esteem, it’s not worth it. Has a few friends, and they often experience the disdain of jealous students--but they’re all steadfast about defending him. And Mozart will not tolerate it if people are mistreating his friends, he’s an iron wall of defense; to be his friend means to always have someone looking out for you, make no mistake. He and Jeanne often grab food together after practice and ask about each others day, they hella close but never really show it while school’s on--their class schedules are worlds apart bc of their grades, and at lunch they’re usually practicing/doing hw. When they hug it out at graduation and pat each other on the back everyone nearly falls the fuck out of their chair LMFAO

Leonardo. That kid that 100% could probably be in the top fifty of his class but just can’t be bothered to give a damn. Always argues points with his teachers and plays devil’s advocate until they are inches from exploding at him. Always the one to mercifully make class feel shorter with his absolute distraction-heavy shitfuckery (and sometimes you really learn something because of his line of thinking). He's a dumbass but like harmless, essentially. Used to be the perfect student^TM and then decided the system was bullshit and he wanted no part of it, thinks public education can kiss his ass. Nobody knows it since he asks people not to talk about it, but he tutors kids after school for hours--has brought kids from Ds to Bs. He always dodges nosy people, never goes to parties, and finds ways to intervene around kids that are struggling with smth (with ninja stealth of course). Despite how easily he laughs and chats with just about anyone, he’s...actually surprisingly v much a lone wolf. Only ever consistently hangs out with the heartthrob rich kid, but nobody understands why???? And they’re always roasting each other wtf, are they even friends????

Comte. Pretty boy genius, always in the top five of his class though doesn’t seem too worried about it or obsessed with rank as students often are. It’s more that his parents have high expectations for his future as their heir, so he tends to fall in line with it. Born into money but somehow....not an asshole??? He doesn’t really like showing off, tries to be quiet about his accomplishments but his parents won’t really allow it--and he’s the star of the soccer team so it can be hard to hide. Most often the one at a party trying to help people sober up (always designated driver) or hearing his friends out when they have a problem. Has never publicly tried to bust heads, but some of the guys in the school insist he’s got a dark side--probably because he threatened them (passive aggressively) within an inch of their lives for being disgusting to girls. But nobody believes them bc...I mean look at him, does that look like a threat?? He just bought that kid’s lunch for christ’s sake. TONS of girls ask him out and confess their feelings, and he always lets them down as gently as he can--conceivably doesn’t like anyone himself, as far as the student body knows. Like Leonardo he’s v amiable, but also manages to reveal nothing personal while getting close. Leonardo’s the only one that’s managed to scratch the surface, and the kid won’t leave him alone for some godforsaken reason. And yet, he seems to enjoy their minutes of banter more than the hours of time spent with “friends”

Arthur. Oh boy. Good lord. Well. He used to be a sweetheart that would always seek out the mousier students and bring them into discussion/involve them on the playground. But alas, Teenage Jadedness^TM hit him like a train and now he’s an incorrigible flirt and believes no single person can be good deep down (somebody get this bitch some eyeliner). Believes the world will always be a cruel and unfeeling place where victims are never heard, so he just kind of goes full skeptical and bitter (think Sylvain for those of you that are FE fans). Has fun with every girl he sees (usually dating several girls at once) and doesn’t much care for his grades, but somehow has perfect scores in English?? He insists it’s because he needs to keep his seduction game on par with the voices of older legends before him, but some of the girls that see him in the library from time to time--v serious--are struck by how attractive he is in such deep focus, entirely uncharacteristic of his nosy and boisterous behavior in the halls (can often be seen whirling around Isaac like a bird of prey while our little baby robin Isaac stiffly tries to get away from him, and Dazai often joins to make things even more chaotic bc why not? In reality they just love this feisty kid that never gives up on what’s right, even though they’ve both given up trying themselves)

Dazai. He’s one of those kids that like does weed regularly but is also like...alarmingly insightful?? Like those kids I was always told to avoid, but now and again I would have conversations with out of necessity and was just...kinda shook. I mean granted he’s a little weird but he’s fairly harmless?? He’s like a class clown but on a massive scale--there’s nobody in the place that doesn’t know who he is, that haven’t heard tales of his exploits (he always comes in through the windows and gets detention for it a lot, and he even brought a chicken with him to school once????) nobody gets what he’s doing at any moment (don’t even know if he does really, chaotic mofo) and honestly nobody wants to know they just do the side eye meme when he appears or laughs. The teachers lament his untapped potential or just hate him for making their lives an even bigger headache than usual, and his grades are...yeah let’s not look at those. Organized the senior prank with absolute GLEE, and it was talked about for ages after he was gone--an inspiration chaotic bastards everywhere

Theodorus. (I hate.......that I pictured him in those like Vineyard Vine white boy clothes.......for the record its mostly bc his parents force him to wear them). All business. This kid doesn’t have time for your bullshit, will absolutely walk away if you’re boring him or seeking social clout. Popular because he’s hot and has a mean streak a mile wide, all the girls that didn’t like Mozart for being ethereal and effeminate boomeranged to find Theo ready to fulfill their hopes and dreams. They only grow more feral when rumors of him actually being fairly nice one on one--and telling creeps to fuck off of vulnerable girls at parties--start to circulate. (If he isn’t with Vincent, Arthur is probably near. Nobody understands how the two are brothers????) Van Gogh name apparently is just “I can be your angel or i can be your devil” and no one understands how... Grades are average and he’s plenty capable, most of his time is spent working after school because his parents refuse to provide Vincent with any artistic materials (canvas, paints, etc). They ask him to go to parties more, but he only goes to piss his parents off (he’s v lowkey punk and it’s understandably sexy of him). Will literally only listen to Vincent, and got in a looooot of trouble after getting into a fistfight with Shakespeare. Only stopped because his parents blamed Vincent for the incident, and Vincent apologized and went quiet for days ;-;

Vincent. Always been quiet and shy, but he doesn’t dislike ppl--he just has a hard time speaking up now and again. His parents always talk over him and tell him nothing he has to say has any real value, so he tends to struggle with a lot of self-doubt. Not isolated because he’s not likeable, it’s more because people tend to take advantage of his mild and earnest nature--until Theo runs them off. He’s on amiable terms with most people but has no real, true friends and it makes him feel lonely a lot. Mostly copes with the emotional turmoil by painting as much as he can. His grades are average, he does reliably well but can often be found daydreaming or distracted. Theo tends to escort him everywhere because of his propensity to attract danger (namely Shakespeare) or walk into things cuz he’s in his head a lot. A few of the artsier girls and the quiet academic girls have HUGE crushes on him (he’s softspoken, sweet, and calm; come on now), but he’s so distant--and honestly nice to everyone in equal measure--that they don’t have much hope of it coming to fruition. This kid deadass doesn’t think a single girl would ever like him that way so he’s just c:???????? when Theo talks about “those nosy harpies coming after my brother”

Jeanne. EDGY MCEDGE. Isn’t amazing in the academic department, but he’s a killer fencer--the rallying cry of the entire team. He became leader his sophomore year and he’s pretty much the only reason they keep destroying at tournaments throughout the year. Despite the pervasive interest in him he intimidates most people away with his swift intensity and ironclad stoicism. Silent as a grave and very still, people are convinced he’s the Grim Reaper reincarnated (listen he’s juST A DUTIFUL BABIE N O). If he isn’t fencing or practicing, Isaac often offers him help in the library after school hours in one of the study rooms (can’t be seen who’s inside from the outside). The two develop a kind of uncanny bond; they’re both so...bad at human-ing that they find a lot of comfort in the atmosphere they create. There’s none of the bullshit grandstanding or clout obsession, just them genuinely trying to help each other (yes Jeanne absolutely teaches Isaac self-defense moves in order to crush the kids that pick on him, and Jeanne often either glares or outright threatens those students when Isaac isn’t looking). Only ever smiles or feels understood when he’s hanging out with Mozart, so he cherishes the time Mozart offers him to hang (he knows the kid is busy up to his eyeballs and under a ton of pressure by comparison, his parents don’t care much as long as they can brag about his fencing records)

Isaac. Mega nerd that just...does not know how to interact. Only understands math and DESTROYS in competitive math club, but otherwise is always alone at lunch or just in the library. A little bean pole because he doesn’t look after himself very well (neglects to eat a lot) and can sometimes be found asleep on his books. If approached he will be very thorny, doesn’t have any friends to speak of and trusts everyone about as far as he can throw them. Yells at Arthur and Dazai a lot when they flock around him, and has gotten into his fair share of fights. Never starts fights, but will finish them. People are surprised he can hold his own, and he comes away with blood that ain’t his. There are a few girls that are curious about him, but its mostly the ones that have seen his awkward thoughtfulness in club--or the girls that are sick of the assholes and appreciate how stalwart he is. He really just wants to be left in peace (his parents never show up to his meets or when he wins academic awards, and the few teachers that notice are pretty concerned abt his reactivity and complete lack of social savvy...) Leonardo always helps him sneak in at night to look at the stars on the school roof

Shakespeare is p much the like “kid most anticipated to be in jail as soon as they’re out of high school” He just. Has that like...serial killer vibe??? Idk if I’m explaining this well but he was that guy that would always cling to genuinely compassionate girls just trying to be nice like a LEECH, and would never fucking shut up if he did or didn’t get attention. You just can't win with this kid. Probably wanted to kill the kids that made fun of him or at the very least wanted to lash out against the confident/popular/nice kids. Only liked you if he didn’t deem you a threat, or if you didn’t make him insecure, or if you tolerated him (aka Vincent. Vincent PLEASE stop trying to reach out to dangerous ppl....I love you too much to watch this shit...) He admitted as much to Theo and the kid went livid with rage and pummeled him into the ground, though most of the rest of the student body doesn’t know quite what happened. (Theo refuses to explain to anyone, and just walks away if asked). Shakespeare will just change the subject endlessly and make passive aggressive threats until the person leaves if they try to bring it up. The only time the entire class has EVER seen Leonardo mad is when Shakespeare kept tailing this girl that wanted no part of him

Sebastian. Nerdy like Isaac, but is more of the silent observer type. Like Theo, doesn't want any part of the bullshit but won't be as blunt or outspoken about it, he's only open about it if pressed or pissed off. Doesn't have much patience for the clique-driven nature of high school and tends to take an interest in the people who stand out beyond the mind-numbing drama. Also is in the top fifty but studies like a lunatic, and can often be seen asking Comte for tips now and again. Has tried talking to Mozart and admires his talents, but Mozart gives a cold shoulder that would put Antarctica to shame. (Leonardo tries to ninja him into taking breaks but never succeeds). Has a great deal of disdain for the troublemakers (Arthur and Dazai) but doesn't intervene, just watches shit go down and sighs. Probably the most normal(?) one of the bunch, just does his best and keeps his head down

[retrorealeyes]

stomachache

sdfjsdkfhsk I don’t know what this is going to be. I quit twitter so I could stop being addicted and do better in school but nooooo I need attention/my words in the public eye

I have a fucking headache, fucking stomache overall I’m not doing well. (this maybe because I woke up 3 hours ago and I still haven’t eaten because i’m avoiding mother you will see below)

“Why?”

Because my mom saw my BEN SHAPIRO RAPE ART. (to clarify it was post rape or whatevr idk if it even implied rape, but there were naked people,no sex but it was implied to be about sex and not like “anotomy” or something so I cna’t play it off)

“What?” or maybe even “WHAAAAAAAT?????!!!”

Basically it was a joke with a twitter friend, I made of my own accord randomly. Lewd thing’s include

-ben shapiro has no pants

-ben shapiro has his GIANT DICK OUT (2 balls, probably not accurate, basically no references, but it’s obvious it’s a penis,no matter how crude)

-there’s a girl lying in front of him, basically naked, the outline of her showing (tits) touching his dripping dick

-there’s another girl, lying with her butt facing the outside of the drawing

None of it is “detailed or accurate” it was drawn as a joke. But it doesn’t matter. It’s NSFW and my mom had TIME to examine it and whatever other words are on the notepad. I hid it now so I can’t look at it but there’s that. And she wants to talk ABOUT IT.

Also to clarify we’re Indian which is relevant information because it tells you the following:

-we’ve literally never discussed sex,etc. she just lets the school teach me

-i “shouldn’t knwo this stuff” even though I should

-very conservative even if she votes democrat

-etc. etc.

-and ‘m not doing well in school so obviously she has full eprmission to be mad at me over anything EVEN IF IT WAS THE NOTEPAD I LITERALLY WROTE ALL MY HTOUGHTS IN AND LEFT OUT (not to the ben shapiro page) TRUSTING HTEM NOT TO SNOOP BECAUSE I’D SEVERAL TIMES RECENTLY TOLD EHR AND MY DAD NOT TO SNOOP BUT NO SHE DOESN’T CARE THAT I LITERALLY CAN’T TRUST HER WITH MY STUFF EVER AND THIS IS WHY (not this exactly but my parent’s oppressive take to parenting and my dad’s angry outburts have definetly contributed largely) I CAN’T OPEN UP TO THEM OR MY FRIENDS OR ANYBODY,,,, EVER

-i’ve primarily learnt that shit from the internet, though very accurately, I don’t want my internet access taken away because a.school b. I kinda NEED it

SO obviously I have to lay it off as a. just a joke b. not talk about it because she was snooping (which makes me seem suspicious) c. say I drew it LONG AGO and AS A JOKE d. ignore it until she forgets/realizes she cna’t question me on it (v. hard lot’s of avoiding, will probably take away my interent) or even e. I drew it intentionally to see if she’d noop, but tthat takes away my moral high ground because now it’s bait that I left out + she’ll catch my bluff

It’s possible i acted macho enough in the morning when she asked me about it, she’ll leave me and my burgeoning sexuality alone (I’M KIDDING IT WAS A JOKE NOT A HORNY THING I STG). Plus she’s nosy as fuck (as evidenced) so probably not. Plus she stole my computer after I did that, while I lay in bed, so she’s gonna be petty.

SO I guess I’ll avoid her and play up the macho (b.) and fall onto a variation combination of b& c if she presurizes me + if further pressurized uphold my moral high ground in draiwng hta t(it’s normal, a joke, it’s my stupid head pad, we learned shit in shcool) nad the fact she shouldn’t have snooped. If she asks what it is I’ll say somehting like “”naked people,, I’ve seen people draw >boy parts< in shcool as a joke”

(this story ft. the first line of CaliforM.I.A. from Black Friday)

PLUSPLUSPLUS I should be doing my hw but all my supplies except my lapttop are outside my rooma nd my mom HAD to go snoop on my NSFW ABSOLUTELY FUCKIGN SHITTY JOKE ART so I’m oretty stuck

plus I cna’t go on twitter so I have no outlet

plus i stayed in bed because mom woke we up wiht that real nice line, “I saw your art, we need to talk about it” (I forgot where this point was going but, yeah)

I need to change into normal clothes

I’m hungry

I skipped my first class just becuase I--- couldn’t after that WONDERFUL morning and last evening (which I don’t have the will to elaborate on, just assume I didn’t sleep well and that yesterday was similarly but not excessively shitty)

My crush (who I haven’t messaged back for two weeks, yes I have AVOIDANT TENDENCIES and there was no reason to avoid it i’m just a frigging bitch and YES I do hate myself I’m actually really fucking sorry and my parents [it’s implied he hasa crush back so that’s nice] would never let me date him but we can dream or whatever)  called me last night apparently (I didn’t see it) and left the messgae “>:(” (jokingly) so I’m tempted to apologize and send the art i drew of him (luckily I have pictures on my comp. before my mom took my ohone away) as a sort of “will this do as sacrifice lol” IDK I’M BIG DUMB DUMB, YEAH?

i’m doing shitty in school

help

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah

school

i have no motivation

I HAVE ALL FS AND I’M INDIAN DO Y’ALL KNOW HOW PRECARIOUS MY SITUATION IN BECAUSE IDFK WHAT I’M DOING

there were a few otehr things but honestly i forgot, mayeb they were like “i’ve been avoiding clubs, friends, etc. and i’m still not able to do well in school”

and i’m hella thirsty (source of the headache + my stress i believe) but i refuse to go down :disappointed face emoji:

sorry for the incessant spelling errors, this is literally a freaked out tired rant. I’m going on a walk now which involves going out of my bedroom and passing mother dearest so Imma be fuckign sick. SOrry if you read this mess this far. I hope YOU’RE having a good day, because i’m NOT.

hErE cOmE tHe fUcKiNg wOlVeS (I hear y dad go downstairs and i don’t think he’s seen IT because he claims, “I’ll never snoop if you tell  me not to” but guess what? he still keeps trying snoop. so it’ll be hella worse if he has. I thought my lil sister was down but she’s up so I guess I don’t have protection from confrontation any way)

also ft. freaking out by the wrecks (proabbly) though that was mainly wednesday (2 days ago, also when I did no hw despit eit being a free day and quit twitter though I still need a coping mechanism and look where THAT got me (addicted to journaling, scrolling tiwtter and saving tweets instead of liking htem so nobody knows I’m there adn TUMBLR))

[troglobite]

choosing to not do my hw for my class tonight bc what i actually need is to catch up on sleep before class, lest i have a meltdown and kill someone

also i need to not be conscious around my mom today--like it has to be for as short a time as possible. i can’t fucking cope with her.

love how she gets mad at me for things that aren’t my fault, acts like i’m a piece of shit, like i’m lazy, selfish, entitled. 

and i am, i guess. anyway i guess i deserve to die. i don’t deserve anything nice.

sorry therapist who told me to find any part of my self that i can give care to without feeling disgusted beyond belief! THERE IS NONE! i’m tired and angry and i feel like shit, and quite frankly i don’t deserve ANYTHING GOOD! AT ALL!!!!!

I’VE DONE NOTHING TO DESERVE GOOD THINGS! i’m awful and terrible and i should fucking suffer MORE than i am.

but i’m a selfish little fucking bitch who’s afraid of pain and suffering even though i deserve it so here we sit

with my mom fully convinced that i just laze about like an entitled royal family member assuming everything and everyone will do things for me, complaining about the SLIGHTEST inconvenience, boo fucking hoo get over it it’s nothing

doesn’t matter if you feel like you’re dying and you wish you could die without action or consequences and yet you remain terrified of death!

DOESN’T MATTER!!!! HAKJFHALKDJSHFAKLSDHFLKJA DSFHKLAJSHF KLJAAS

ROT IN HELL @ ME I’M A PIECE OF SHIT AND I DESERVE IT 

[22introuble]

1/16/2022

I'm almost done with hw but I've been thinking about this since I went to the gym. Okay so it's pretty obvious my writing is a form of self-expression, it's how I let my feelings out, almost a coping mechanism? Here's the thing tho I first started writing poems and songs about melo and what he did to me. He was my first muse right, but for the wrong reasons. He hurt me so bad I had to write about it to feel better? To move on? I don't know. However, I do know that my writing is very valuable to me and I love to write. I love telling stories in a couple sentences and being vague or very specific. I wrote like 20 poems about him until I met jaciel. With him I was in love like deeply in love but again when I wrote about him it was only about the heartbreak he was causing me. I wrote like 3 love poems about him, maybe less idk. So now I'm thinking why do I only write about the pain? I get it with Melo bc we never dated but with jaciel we did and I have a lot of great memories with him so why is all my writing about him sad? I also hate that these 2 guys have been my muses bc they both did me so dirty yet here I am writing beautiful tragic things about them like :// Why can't I write about nice things like my friends or my love for other things? Am I just not built like that? Or is it that they never gave me an extreme amount of joy for me to write about them? Cause even with williams like bru my first love and I wrote 1 poem about him last year :( I guess it's because he never really broke my heart, we just grew up? I was getting mad at myself for this because like why do these dumbasses get to have poems written about them like no u don't deserve them lol >:( I was thinking about this because I haven't written in a while and I know I can but I know they're going to be sad things? Like it's easier to write about the heartbreak than love and I hate that so fucking much. I wish I could write about love, I feel that would be so lovely but alas my brain does not wanna do that smh. Writing comes easier to me when I've gone through the things like although I could probably write love poems they wouldn't be genuine at least now and I prefer to write when the feelings are alive. So yeahhh I hate that those 2 guys have poems written about them but not me like wtf 😩😐 when is it my turn to be someone’s muse 😔

[thegrandtortoise]

Reasons why I love my math teacher:

1) She’s a really good teacher. Like, really, really good. The class I’m taking is basically the same as what I took last year (same material, at least), and this year I actually understand everything. I’m not figuring it all out on my own, and even new material is a breeze.

2) She’s tech savvy. She knows how to use the resources that we’re given as a district. We have OneNote, which means that she does all the lessons on there, and we can go home and look at them later if we need more time or explanation.

3) She’s always so willing to help us! She constantly comes around to tables asking if we need help, and is so patient and wonderful! She never gets mad at us for asking stupid questions, and is so helpful.

4) She cares about struggling kids. If a kid didn’t do great on his/her last test, she’ll talk to them and help them more than the other kids. She gets super excited when (yes, when) they do way better on the next test, and is always encouraging self-praise. I’ve heard countless kids say that they’re going to text their mom the score asap because they’re so happy, or that they’re ‘actually going to cry tears of joy’.

5) She never tries to intimidate us. She doesn’t yell at us (except one time when we were being exceptionally bitchy and rude), and always welcomes jokes in the middle of class.

6) She really fucking cares about us. Like, she knows that sometimes, we just can’t be bothered to function because of different reasons, and we have our different ways of coping with problems. I’ve seen kids read all through a lesson, and she isn’t worried because she knows that there’s something going on and we just need a break. Kids sleep, eat- I myself took a nap yesterday because I was just so slammed, and I regularly finish my entire lunch in math class. Kids work on other homework too, and my teacher is totally fine with it. She understands that we have other priorities.

7) She gives us like whole periods to work on hw- like, this is completely unheard of?? And like what have we done to deserve this teacher??

I have concluded that my math teacher is an angel sent from heaven to be the model teacher for everyone. Literally no one in the class has ever heard of her before (we were so confused. I came in expecting the most boring teacher of all time), and now all we want is for her to teach basically everything that we will ever learn.

(And she’s the advisor for like two clubs and she coaches a sports team I think??)

If you ever find a teacher like this, KEEP THEM. Seriously. REMEMBER THEM. 

If you are a teacher- please, please be like this. Your kids will love you. Even if you hate your job, don’t take it out on them. They don’t want to be there either.

Anyway, that’s my math teacher. If I could marry her I probably would. Unfortunately, she’s married, and also like 20 years older than me.

(Why does she only teach like three classes?? And I will probably take none of them in the future! *cries real tears*)

[2n2n]

Man I could listen to you ramble about AT all day long, I feel like you bring in interesting perspectives I haven't seen in all my years in the fanbase. Like your Breezy critique, I didn't like the episode either but I never really even considered that. Does your dislike of romance mean you don't like Finn's stuff with PB/FP or all the Bubbline episodes (they're not romance but come on everyone gets what's going on at this point)? Or is that stuff cool for you cause it's mostly pining?

:^) THATS GOOD CUZ I CAN GO ON FOREVA!!!

Thank you! I keep adding more thoughts to it. I think Breezy is the ep I see most often criticized, but not for the thing that most puts me off about it. 

I actually just coincidentally made a post about this?! But I want to answer this directly anyway. My thing is– I have a huuuuge interest in like, interpersonal interactions. I love Finn’s pining, fucking up, I love messy situations and feelings, I even love the ache of wanting someone. I love his whole emotional journey from PB to FP and now to his casual situation with HW & maintained friendships with FP/PB. I like that being a soft-hearted goober is a part of Finn’s life, even if I don’t like romance. I like that he has to cope with it realistically. Nothing is so ideal or romanticized for him…. 

I really love what we can see of Bubbline’s history, & how their tumultuous past makes really obvious sense for their clashing lifestyles & emotional landscapes. …. Marcy’s totally romantic & sensitive nature VS PB’s very scientific & rational mind. Marcy is very passionate/reactive & PB very methodical/calculated.  I think that’s interesting– I also think Finn’s interest in the volatile/violent FP is interesting in the context of his character. but I don’t think…..

well. my thing is that I just don’t really like ah… like, “happily ever after”, domesticity, married couples, the concept of like, eternal love or true love or soulmates. Love that conquers all. Love that prevails.  A lot of emphasis placed on how perfect or beautiful a relationship is/was makes something fall flat to me. 

I really like the reality of people trying their best— having the best of intentions– but still hurting each other. I love people learning to move on from something that was their Everything.  I’m bored when it’s like, “and they love each other and are so in love forever for 1000 years”.  That’s nothing to me, you know?. Marriage or relationships, as the “end of the story”, bore me. As the middle of a story, I can find them interesting….! 

If Finn had….Married FP & had babies & the series ended with a portrait of them on the mantle, roll credits, I wouldn’t have liked them. But I liked how things played out, which was extremely not like that! The way it played out tells you so much about the two of them!

its like… you fall in love. But then you have to keep on living. Life goes on. As the final page of a book, I get no satisfaction out of ‘love’. And a story that tries to say, like, “isn’t that so beautiful & perfect how they are soooo in love?” makes me want to barf & die! 

my feelings about bubbline are pretty. complicated. aheh. I’m interested in them as people who have hurt each other so badly in the past & are trying to not hurt each other anymore. Like Finn & FP, it would be boring to me if that ended in eternal monogamy & being soulmates. I like more atypical situations & solutions to troubles. I like that they fulfill a unique niche in each other’s lives; which is why Marcy couldn’t help but come back, even after PB clearly hurt her badly. This is imperfect, & interesting. There is some inequality between them that I think is always going to be there– the gap where Marcy is simply more needy & sentimental & raw than PB. & I like that gap being perpetually there, no matter how many times you route back around. This is such a human difficulty; this is people living & trying. Even if their story is undoubtedly romantic, I have interest in it, even if romance isn’t my interest. Because I like them, & because things don’t feel forced.

I guess in a lot of series, relationships are very boring for me, because they’re usually very… how do I say. Romanticized?! I can rarely suspend my disbelief for ‘em. They are usually screaming at you about how sweet & beautiful the love is. I actually generally like how AT handles them as continued stories. I like how SU handles its ever-changing relationships as well! I often have a much lower tolerance for it! But I don’t mind it in AT or SU!

I don’t have judgement towards people who do get something out of cute sweet saccharine romance or domesticity, btw. I’m not woke or something, just literally gut-repulsed by displays of romance, or things being presented in a romantic… way. Romance being used for tragedy really misses me, so simon/betty or magic man/margles don’t do it for me. But I’m interested in Finn & Marceline, so I like how their respective relationships effect them, why they are attracted to who they are, even if I’m not really interested in the canon ships in the traditional sense. Like, I don’t care to read fic or comics about established canon relationships… personally, I only like to explore the friendships existing outside of/alongside of those established relationships !

 tl;dr I appreciate their arcs that include romance, even if I’m not interested in romance, itself.

[planetarie-howers]

...............in light of recent circumstances this is becoming a weight loss blog lmao

ok, i mean... yeah, i have really been putting it on in lockdown. fine. somewhat understandable. i’m just too tired to think about this with so much relentless energy. over the last six years i’ve recited every single possible platitude to myself. maybe i needed some time to eat whatever i wanted with the vague assumption that i’d kms so it didn’t really matter. but i must be near HW now and bigger than i want to be, quite undeniable, bit grim but hey at least no one’s going to be seeing you irl...

healthy or not, pathological or not, really i do not care. nor do i want to embed this into some kind of cultural self-fashioning myth more than necessary. it doesn’t mean anything. it’s just eating less, it’s just what i’ve always tried to do ad nauseam and it’s what i have to do to get back on track, the functional wanting to live track. and letting my diet/body go is making me more suicidal let’s admit. 

ok 10kg to lose. (guessing.) living at home not particularly convenient. just pretend you’re a 15 year old first-blush anorexic again sneaking around your mother. (god how we regress & become our worst selves.) like i know i’ve been telling myself “i have so much other shit to figure out i’ll at least let myself eat whatever”, but honestly i don’t think that’s how it works for me, i think i have to keep everything on the straight and narrow at once or it all gets fucked, no in between. so yes. it sucks but what can you do. in a way it doesn’t really matter what i look like, i’d be doing this either way. 

stop eating unless it’s literally put in front of you. avoid whenever you can. UGW pics for motivation. look at yourself naked in the least flattering mirror in the house as a bit of ritual self-flagellation. keep a food diary. stop cooking. water, lots of, and coffee. discipline. exercise if you like. revert to SH as a last ditch coping mechanism. (or straight vodka when you can swing it idk.) eating is what other people do not you. no woman on god’s green earth is thin and perpetually satisfied. 

i’m just so aimlessly angry that this happened and yet it sounds so stupid if i try to articulate it. like why should sudden intercontinental evacuation / lockdown / whatever actually result in me getting fat - there’s absolutely no actual excuse for it. but it is what happened, and fuck fuck fuck i was doing so well in cambridge for once in my life i was being healthy about it and my god i was getting so good, and looking so good, and i really felt like i was finally at a point where i was leaving the mess behind and also looking hot af and making my healthy salads and going to yoga and for brief glorious moments i truly didn’t care what i weighed and sometimes i was just blinded by all the love, i was learning, i really was. but it just takes a single unprecedented derailment of one’s life to wipe out all your physical/mental progress i guess...? not that that’s anyone’s fault but mine...??

well anyway it happened and the faint dying hope of me living in any exciting fulfilling way probably just got mercilessly fucked but as i well know the one thing worse than being a dumb underemployed fuck sitting with a thumb up my ass in my childhood bedroom is.... being all of that except also fat, so, yeah, back to it, no cutting corners.