#how does it know which blogs are similar? it's not by fucking chance

[cowardstiel]

i think it should be mandatory that everyone watch The Social Dilemma at least once every six months

[pedrito-friskito]

strawberry wine - joel miller x ofc!liv stone/fem!reader

during - part eleven

series masterlist | main masterlist | read on ao3

you get the short end of the stick, but it’s worth it.

a/n: okayyyyyyyyy shit’s getting heavy, folks, but things are chaaaaaaanging. hope you’re ready 😈

word count: 4.4k

warnings: MY BLOG IS 18+, MINORS DNI, a lot of angst, a lot conversation, canon-typical violence and injuries (heavy on both), drinking, Joel has more feelings, I love Tess.

if you haven’t already, please read the announcement/follow up I posted about giving Liv a name.

✨follow @friskito-library for updates on new works/chapters✨

Tess likes to talk. You don’t mind; it makes the walk back much faster, and the QZ is within sight much sooner with the easy conversation between you. 

She talks about how she found Joel and Tommy, how they’d been stuck together ever since Kentucky. She mentions her husband, Nate, and you offer your sympathy — which she brushes off — and tell her about Dean.

“With a baseball bat?” she repeats, an almost incredulous look on her face. “That baseball bat?”

“Yep,” you laugh, hefting the thing in your hand. “Kept me alive this long. All those years of softball finally paid off.”

Tess tells you what she was starting to build in Baltimore, and you can’t help but grin. The two of you are more similar than you thought. You return her stories in kind, details of your own ventures. “There are lots of ways in and out of the Boston QZ,” you tell her, “you just have to know where to look.”

You don’t ask about her and Joel, and she doesn’t offer the information. He hangs back the entire time, a good twenty feet behind you, rifle slung over his shoulder. You chance a glance back once or twice, mostly making sure he’s still there, and his hard gaze makes you freeze every time.

This definitely isn’t the reunion you’d imagined. Honestly, you’re not quite sure what you had envisioned, but this sure as hell ain’t it. Fuck, why couldn’t you just keep your mouth shut?

You lead them through as quietly as possible, using a spot on the wall where the bricks have been cracked, leaving footholds behind for those who know to look for them. You send Tess up first, then Joel, and he waits at the top, grabs you by the arm and hauls you up the last foot. You open your mouth to say thank you, but he’s already released you, turned away yet again.

All right, so this is how it’s going to be.

Through the top level of the building, down the ladder into the alley. You stash your bat and your bag in the same place, tell Tess and Joel to leave their guns there, too. Joel’s reluctant, but Tess smacks his shoulder and he does as you say, that hard look on his face the entire time. 

Your boots splash in the same puddle they had last night. Tess is close behind you as you head out of the alley and skirt down the next building. A few more alleyways, heads ducked, avoiding soldiers and civilians alike, and you head down another alleyway, waiting for the coast to clear before shoving a dumpster aside, revealing a hole in the bricks that leads inside the empty warehouse.

“How did you—” Joel starts to ask, but cuts himself off.

You hold your arm out, gesturing him inside. “Quickly.”

The opposite end of the warehouse faces the gate almost directly. The windows on the lower level are covered with newspaper, shattered in some places, and you peer through one of the missing panes. Beside the main gate, there’s an office, of sorts. Where they take any survivors that make it to the gate, test them, either put them in the system or put a bullet in their heads.

“Wait here.” You prop open the window, slide through the gap and pop back up the other side. No one pays you any mind as you head towards the office, leaning up on your toes to peer through the little window in the door. Nick’s standing inside, staring at one of the old computer screens, and when you tap on the glass, he nods.

You turn back, waving at Tess. “C’mon.” They’re quick about it, and you push the door open once they’re close, following them both inside. Nick stares at Joel for a moment, meets your eyes over his shoulder. You try to school your face neutral, but you can’t tell if you get away with it or not.

“In there,” Nick says, the words blunt, and points down the hallway, to one of the smaller rooms. The office used to be a doctor’s office, you think; one main lobby, a bunch of smaller exam rooms down the hall. Joel and Tess do as he says, and you start to follow behind, but feel Nick’s hand on your shoulder. It makes you pause, and you look at him, turning beneath his hand.

“That’s him, isn’t it?” he asks, his voice low. “Joel.”

You repeat yourself to him a third time. “Does it matter?”

Nick’s brow creases. “Of course it fucking matters, Liv.”

You shake your head. “Just process them, please? Then you can throw me in lockup and this’ll all be over.”

The look on his face says he doesn’t believe you, but you push his hand off your shoulder, step into the room where Tess is standing, Joel sitting in one of the chairs, elbows on his knees. “This is Corporal Nick Cowan,” you introduce, jutting a thumb over your shoulder. “I trust him. He’ll test you both, put you through the system, and take you back to my place.” Your eyes flick to Joel. “Tommy should still be there.” You turn to look at Nick. “On the off chance he’s not, take them to Deanna’s.”

Nick gives you a curt nod, and you can feel Joel’s stare boring holes in your skull. It’s Tess that finally breaks the silence, concern on her face. “What about you? Why aren’t you taking us?”

“Cuz I’m gonna be in lockup,” you say, and Joel jumps to his feet, but doesn’t reach for you, doesn’t do anything but stare, “for the next two days.” You swallow hard. “There’s enough food at my place for you three, water too. Tommy knows where the whiskey is.” You give a little chuckle, staring down at your boots before lifting your head. There’s something like admiration in Tess’s eyes, whereas Joel is pure fire. You chew the inside of your cheek. “It’s fine, really. All part of the deal.”

“You’ve been in FEDRA lockup before?” Tess asks, crossing her arms.

You nod. “Once or twice. I’ve been caught by a couple other soldiers, but I have dirt on most of them. Makes it easier, but this is all part of the plan.” Your eyes dart to Joel before meeting Tess’s. “It’s fine. It’s worth it.”

Nick grabs your arm then, all business, fingers biting into your elbow. “Let’s go. Now.” His voice is louder, and you lift a brow as he pulls you back through the door. “You two, don’t move, or so help me god, I will throw you both right back through that gate.”

You resist the urge to roll your eyes. “Seriously?”

He stares down at you. He’s angry, you realize. “Seriously.”

Nick yanks the door shut, Joel and Tess staring at you as it closes, and he all but pushes you down the hall to the door, out onto the road, towards the building where you’ll be for the next two days. Lockup. “There were other soldiers in there,” he mutters under his breath. “I had to make it somewhat believable.”

“Thank you.”

“Sure.”

+

Since the world ended, Joel will admit he’s gotten quick to judge. First impressions were hell before cordyceps ravaged the planet, but now they’re even worse, if not more important. But Joel’s met one too many terrible people, and he’s learned to be quick on the draw, quicker on his judgement.

He knows almost immediately that he does not care for Corporal Nick Cowan. At all.

Mainly, he doesn’t like the way Cowan was looking at you. He saw the way he stopped you outside the door, the two of you whispering under your breath to each other, an almost defiant look on your face. Are you two…?

He doesn’t finish the thought.

Joel’s mind has been churning from the moment he saw you, standing there in the gas station parking lot, that fucking baseball bat in your hand. Something else had taken over, something like happiness, spilling into the corners of his heart the moment he had you in his arms again. Alive, breathing, whole, right in front of him. He felt whole, for the first time in a long time, holding you like that. It felt…good.

And then you opened your mouth, and it all came crashing down.

He hasn’t forgotten. He can’t forget that night. The gunshots and the blood and the way Sarah had cried. The way he’d felt her go. It haunts his every step, her voice a constant reminder in the back of his mind. He knew he’d have to tell you, if he ever found you again, and in a way, he’s grateful his brother was the one to deliver the news, but the way you’d said it, the broken apology, the tears on your face, it was too much.

It is too much.

Cowan returns not ten minutes after he’d hauled you off, and Joel gets to his feet when the door opens. The soldier gives him a look, but Joel doesn’t flinch. He’s used to this shit; the FEDRA soldiers in Baltimore were the same. “You can sit,” Cowan says, but Joel doesn’t move. Tess sinks into the chair he’d been occupying. There’s a clipboard in the soldier’s hand, and he flips the page over. “Names.”

“Tess Servopoulos.”

“Joel Miller.”

“Date of birth.”

“April 9th, 1969.”

“September 26th, 1967.”

On and on it goes, until the page is full. Cowan doesn’t look at either of them once, and then takes the scanner from his belt. He’s not gentle with it, the hard press of plastic and the following tingle at Joel’s neck making him wince. The scanner turns green both times, and Cowan scoffs.

“Well, there you go.” The soldier sighs. “Boston QZ works about the same as Baltimore. You work for the community, keep it running, earn your ration cards. Liv will tell you where to find assignments, what jobs you’re allowed to take. She’s responsible for you for now, once she’s out. You stay in her place until she comes back, and we go from there.”

“We don’t get our own space?” Tess asks, and Cowan shoots her a look.

“You wait for Liv,” he says tersely, “and we go from there.”

Joel bites his tongue.

He leads them through the QZ quickly, both hands on his rifle. Joel itches for his own gun, stashed in your hideaway, but forces his hands into fists instead. Tess gives him a pointed look. Don’t fuck this up.

It irks his brain that Cowan just knows where your apartment is. Tommy opens the door after the soldier knocks, and pulls Joel into a hug, Tess afterward. “You made it.”

Tommy steps aside to let them in, and when Joel turns back to the door, the Corporal is gone.

Good fuckin’ riddance.

“Much nicer than the shit we had in Baltimore,” Tess comments, shucking her coat off, and Joel huffs a laugh. 

It’s…well, nice isn’t really the word. The flower wallpaper is something else but the place looks lived in, which already makes it better than the plain walls and nondescript shit they had in the Baltimore QZ. There’s a butterfly painted on the window, a bookshelf built into one wall, another little shelf between the two windows with a radio perched on top. The flower paper doesn’t continue along all the walls, giving way to a yellow colour, the lower two feet of the wall painted blue. There’s a big window near the bed, a tall wardrobe beside it, a cracked radiator, the bathroom tucked beside the bedroom.

Tommy makes lunch, some kind of instant mac and cheese that tastes all too familiar to Joel. But washing it down with a glass of whiskey definitely helps. Tess busies herself looking through your bookshelves, combing through the titles. 

“Where did she get all this stuff?” Joel asks. The shelves are filled with books, but there are other things too, little knickknacks and candles and tchotchkes. A little elephant made of jade. Joel picks it up, rubs his fingers over the carved edge.

“If you’d been listening, on the walk back,” Tess quips, an almost sing-song to her voice, “instead of being an asshole, you’d know. She’s been doing the same shit we have. Smuggling. Looting places that have been deserted. And she’s clearly better at it than we are.”

Joel says nothing, his brow lowering as he puts the elephant back on the shelf. There’s a little glass dish on one of the other shelves, filled with rings of all sizes and metals. Wedding rings, he realizes after a moment, engagement rings.

Tess hums. Joel watches as she reaches down, rubs her thumb over the silver band on her finger.

“Who is she, Joel?” Tess asks, and a zap of cold slides down his throat. “To you. Who was she? And don’t try to bullshit me and say nothing.”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” he says, instead of nothing, and walks away from the bookshelf. There are no doors between the different rooms, the living room and kitchen and bedroom one open space with a dividing wall. He walks towards your bed, lets his hand trail over the plaid sheets and blankets and sinks onto the edge, parks himself in front of the window.

He stays there, until the sun sets. 

Two days in lockup, you’d said. You wait for Liv, Cowan had instructed.

Part of him feels like he needs to apologize. He’s going about this wrong, he knows that. But the memory of what he’s lost has risen to the surface of his mind, and made him hurt. Made him all too aware of how broken he is.

With Tess, it doesn’t matter. He cares for her — of course he cares for her — but the line in the sand is clear. It’s stress-relief, comfort, a placeholder for what they’ve lost. Tess lost Nate, and Joel lost you.

And what the fuck did he do to deserve to find you again?

Tess crawls into bed, eventually. She doesn’t say a word to Joel, doesn’t invite him to lay with her. He can hear Tommy snoring on the other side of the thin wall that separates the living room and the bedroom, his brother sprawled on the couch.

He gets to his feet, scrubbing a hand over his face. The wardrobe door creaks as he pulls it open. There’s not much inside, clothing meant more for warmth than anything else, an assortment of sweaters and flannels. He knows he shouldn’t, feels a prickle of guilt up his spine as he drags his hand through the fabric. His fingers catch on something softer than the others, and he pinches blue flannel, striped with white and grey.

You kept his shirt. All this time. Held it close enough to take it with you when you left.

It makes him ache.

Joel wanders into the kitchen, grabs the bottle of whiskey from where it had been left on the worn kitchen table. It’s a mess of coffee cups, pages torn from notebooks, a collage of maps spread beneath everything else. He sees paths marked in red, on the maps, places circled and x’ed out, scribbled notes and times and dates. The kitchen sink is clean, a few plates stacked beside, evidence of Tommy’s cooking still on the stove. The fridge is slightly crooked, from when Tommy had pulled out the whiskey.

He sees it, from the corner of his eye, on the top door of the fridge. Held in place by a magnet shaped like a strawberry.

July 4th 2002

The magnet falls as he pulls the polaroid off, but he catches it before it can hit the ground. The picture is torn at one corner, the edges a little warped, but otherwise intact. He can remember that night. The warm summer air, your head on his shoulder, beer and barbecue in his belly, the awe on Sarah’s face as you all watched the fireworks together. It feels like a lifetime ago.

Joel puts the magnet back on the fridge, but keeps the picture in his hand, sinks into a chair at the table, takes a swig from the bottle of whiskey.

He doesn’t hear Tess until she’s sliding into the chair across from him. He says nothing, another long sip from the bottle as she pulls the polaroid from his grip. She looks at it for a long moment, smoothing her fingers over the edges before handing it back to him.

“Tell me who she is, Joel,” she says again, more of a statement than a question. “Please.”

Joel’s throat bobs. Tess doesn’t often say please.

He blows out a shaky breath. “A ghost,” he says, the corner of his mouth twitching. “To be honest, I’m still not totally convinced she’s really here. That we’re really here.”

Tess grips his free hand, pushes the bottle away. “We are here, Joel. Liv is here.” She squeezes his fingers. “Please, I just wanna make sense of it all.” Tess pauses, leans back a little. “Did you love her?”

Joel just nods, the movement slow as molasses, making his neck ache. “Her parents owned a hardware store, back in Austin. She moved back from Michigan after she finished school, started working in the store, and I met her there. We had one summer, and then she got a job in Boston.”

“You let her go.”

His brow crinkles, and his fingers itch to reach for the bottle, but he doesn’t. “I couldn’t let her stay in Austin just for me, couldn’t let her throw away her future.” He shoves a hand through his hair. He’s still holding the picture. “We spent the rest of the summer together, and then she left. Came back the next summer, and we had another two weeks.” He rubs his thumb over the photograph, the image of you leaned against him. “But it wasn’t the same. It wasn’t enough.”

“She broke it off?”

He lays the polaroid on the table, thumb still tracing your outline. “She met someone. Dean. The space was too much, for both of us. I understood. I let her go.”

“And then the world ended.”

Joel reaches for the bottle then, and takes a long swig before sliding it across to Tess. “And then the world ended.”

“So, she’s the reason you wanted to go to Boston.”

He can’t bring himself to look at Tess. “I called her that night, when everything happened. Told her to get out of Boston, that I’d find her. It was never about Boston, exactly, it was just about going East, praying that we might meet in the middle. I looked for her at every QZ, every shelter, every single time I saw a body in the street, I was looking for her.”

“But you found her,” Tess says, her voice low, and Joel forces his eyes to hers. “Joel, she’s alive. She’s right here. Second chances like this…” She trails off, shakes her head. “This kind of stuff doesn’t happen all the time, Miller, not anymore. This is…”

“If you call this a miracle, Tess, I swear to god.”

She scoffs a laugh. “No, not a miracle. But…something. You can’t—”

“I told you who she was,” he cuts her off, that same feeling rising in his throat again. What the fuck did he do to deserve a second chance with you? “Now drop it.”

“Joel—”

“Drop it, Tess.” He shoves his chair back, gets up, heads for the bed.

If she notices him take the polaroid with him, she doesn’t say anything.

+

Stairs are hell.

Every step makes your side scream in pain. The pressure you’ve been holding against your ribs has done little to ease the ache, and even breathing makes it worse. Your mouth tastes like blood, iron and tangy against your teeth, and you know you’re lucky as hell your cheek isn’t broken. Bruised to shit, yes, but not broken.

They were feeling feisty in lockup, worse than you’ve ever had it before. Nick left you with two other soldiers inside, muttering something about disturbing the peace. They processed you, put the charge on your record, and when another soldier came to get you, your stomach sank into your toes.

Angie.

The same soldier who’d been working the pharmacy when you’d gone to get inhalers for Henry. You hadn’t threatened her, not exactly, but you’d made it clear that you could do some damage if she didn’t give you what you wanted. The pharmacy is a no-violence zone; she couldn’t have hit you then even if she wanted to. It would get her in deeper shit than you.

But in lockup? A whole other fucking story.

She grabbed you roughly, all but shoving you through the doorway that led deeper into the building. You don’t think the building was originally like this, all cells and interrogation rooms; FEDRA must have built it themselves. 

You were expecting to get shoved into a cell right off the bat, but instead, she lead you to one of the rooms, pushed you inside and yanked the door shut behind you.

“What are you—”

Your words cut off with the first slap, a hard backhand that made your head snap to the side. You grunted, grabbing the back of a chair inside the room. You had half a mind to grab the thing with both hands and launch it at Angie, but that would only extend your time in lockup.

All you could do was sit there and take it.

Her second backhand made your teeth rattle, pain sparking behind your eyes. You nearly ducked to dodge the next hit, out of instinct, but forced yourself still, tears springing forth as her fist connected with your cheek. Over and over again, you just let her hit you. She hit you hard enough that you stumbled back, tripped over your own feet and the chair behind you and hit the ground. She didn’t waste any time driving her boot into your side, and you just curled inwards, just took it.

You weren’t sure exactly when she left, all you knew was that the blows stopped landing, but the pain didn’t. Two more soldiers came in after, picked you up off the floor, and carried you out of the room. They put you in a cell next, gave you a bottle of water and a blanket. The fabric was mottled with blood when you finally opened your eyes, and your face ached something fierce.

You slept it off, the rest of your time inside. Ate the shitty bread when it was offered, used the water to clean the blood from your face. And then, your forty-eight hours were up, and they let you go.

Part of you expected Nick to be waiting for you outside, but you were happy he wasn’t. You didn’t want to feel like you owed him anything more.

It took ages to get back to your building. Every step outside made pain shoot through your side; you’re pretty convinced at least one of your ribs is broken. And now, fucking stairs.

You almost fall against the doorjamb once you reach your apartment, digging in the pocket of your coat for your keys. You’re fumbling with the lock when the door swings inward, revealing Tess, bright-eyed and wearing one of your t-shirts. “Jesus Christ.”

You actually fall forward then, and Tess catches you, sliding an arm around your waist and dragging you over the threshold. 

“A little help here!” 

Tommy and Joel are both sitting on your couch, and they both jump to their feet the moment they see you. Tommy moves before his brother, and is at your side in an instant, taking some of your weight from Tess. You’re grateful as hell, though the movement makes your side scream in pain. They bring you towards the couch, and from the corner of your swollen eye, you see Joel move out of the way, heading in the direction of your bedroom. You’re in too much pain for it to really sting.

You cry out as they lower you onto the couch. Tommy looks frantic, and Tess disappears for a moment, coming back with a wet cloth. She drags it over your cheek and you whimper.

“She’s messed up,” she says, you assume to Tommy. “They have a clinic here, right? Like in Baltimore.”

“Yeah,” Tommy says, “saw it when I first got here. I can go—”

You flail an arm out, your hand landing on Tommy’s leg. “Get Deanna.”

You think he nods — you hope he nods — and you hear the door bang shut a moment later. Tess wipes at your face more; guess you didn’t get as much blood off as you thought.

“Tess,” you call softly, and her eyes snap to yours. “You don’t have to—”

“Oh, shut up,” she tells you, her voice almost stern. You want to laugh. “Who did this to you? FEDRA? Cowan?”

“Not Cowan. Pissed off the wrong girl, I guess.” You actually scoff out a laugh, but it makes your ribs sing with pain. “Can’t fight back in lockup.”

Tess’s brow wrinkles. “Good to know it’s the same shit all over in some way, at least.”

You go quiet, for a long moment. Tess holds the cloth against your cheek, and you revel in the cool feeling, letting your eyes flutter shut. The pain throbs with every beat of your heart, every breath you take, but her hands are gentle, almost soft.

“Joel told me,” she says, breaking the silence that’s been filled only with your shaking breaths. “About the two of you, about…before.”

Tears fill behind your closed eyelids, and you feel them slip down your cheeks. “Doesn’t matter now,” you say, trying to shake your head but failing miserably. “He doesn’t…”

“Don’t worry about what he does or doesn’t. He’s a stubborn ass.”

“You two—”

She puts a finger on your lips, shushing you. “I said, don’t worry about it, Liv.” She shakes her head, brow pinched, moving the cloth to dab at the corner of your mouth. “Not right now.”

You hear the door open, and a moment later, Deanna’s face comes into view, hovering over you. “What the hell did you do, girl?”

“Made a deal,” you say, “but it was worth it.”

Through the thin wall, you think you hear Joel sigh, the noise long and deep.

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[cadybear420]

Cadybear's Reviews- Surrender

Ohhh yeah, bitches. It's time for a JUICY review. My first review of a PooPoo Tier book. Just a heads up, this one is gonna get VERY salty.

Welcome to the thirty-fourth official Cadybear's Reviews! Today I'll be talking about Surrender, which I have ranked on the "PooPoo Tier" at 1 star out of a possible 10. My last and only playthrough of this was around February-June 2022 (for the first book) and October 2023 (for the second book).

Holy crap, this series is awful. Like, actually the worst of the whole app, in my opinion. 

It shot itself in the foot from the very start– you can’t have MC be trying to escape a toxic marriage, but have her new endgame love interest be just as bad if not worse than the ex spouse. Reagan literally talks to her as if she’s already their sub from day fucking one. And even worse, MC wants to be Reagan’s sub barely even a few chapters later, so it can almost be read as if Reagan coerced her into BDSM. 

And there was literally no reason to default MC to being a sub here. Okay, I guess it technically does set up the plot for Book 2 where Reagan is refusing to give up control, but saying it doesn’t make sense for the MC to not wanna dom at first is kinda bullshit. The writers say in their blog post about Surrender 1 that “It wouldn’t make sense for her to dom right away”, yet they’re okay with making her sub right away? Other than Reagan basically coercing her into the sub role, there’s nothing given about MC’s character that suggests she couldn’t have had interest in the dom role (or both, as a switch role) at first. 

Truth be told, I’d have much preferred if they let MC have options to try either of the roles and let the player build up her role as sub, dom, switch, sub-leaning, dom-leaning, etc. Especially since MC is supposed to be A) new to BDSM and B) freshly divorced after seeing her toxic spouse cheat on her. So let her take the time to explore and try out what she likes. That would be far more believable for the story and a far more immersive experience for the players. I get that said options wouldn’t have allowed for the arc of Reagan learning to give up some control, but surely they still could have done something creative for a more choice-based system. 

Book 2 does have us start to try a more dominant role, but it’s honestly meaningless. Because all that book does is, it doubles down on how toxic of a partner Reagan is. 

Yes, I know they do give some context for Reagan having control issues with their parents’ own abusive relationship, but as someone who has been in a fairly similar situation, it’s handled horribly. Their behaviors feel like they’re treated more as just an inconvenience or a minor hiccup, rather than genuinely toxic and abusive behaviors. 

Like, here’s all the shit Reagan does in Book 2. They go behind MC’s back to pull strings for her to get that job but then deliberately convinces her that she got it all on her own, constantly acts incredibly infantilizing to her, tries to enforce BDSM-style rules outside of the bedroom to the point where they straight up forbid her from doing a part of her own job, and– probably the worst of them all– literally tells MC “when a woman agrees to be my sub, she agrees to obey”. Honest to God, just that line right there was enough to put this series on my permanent Choices shitlist. 

And funnily enough, the series just almost got a chance to avoid it! After that awful line, MC finally gets some self-respect and dumps Reagan over their controlling behavior, and for a few chapters she has a big girls’ getaway trip with Malorie and (optionally) Reese (funnily enough the next book to be released after Surrender 2 is Getaway Girls). And let me tell you they’re the best chapters of this series and I enjoyed it to the max. It was the only part of the book I was willing to spend diamonds on. 

Now, had MC left Reagan for good– or at least had a proper talk with Reagan– then I might move this series up a view tiers. Unfortunately, it’s all downhill from there. 

Reagan refuses to take accountability for MC leaving them, and then proceeds to make Anderson track MC down on her trip when they learn she might be taking a job in Seattle. Holy fuck PB, Reagan is literally just Pat Ransic 2.0. In fact, I think they’re much worse actually. 

And what makes it all tragic is that the ending, in theory, could have worked. Reagan does apologize, they do talk things out, Reagan does become more willing to give up control, and we are allowed to choose if we want to be dom, sub, or switch. 

It seems all well and good, except for one little problem: it doesn’t feel earned in the slightest, especially not when the two become engaged at the end of the book (the one time MC is the one who proposes to LI, and it’s in the shittiest Choices book that ever smelled like shit), barely even a chapter after their conversation. Which, by the way, only happened because Reagan tracked MC down on her getaway trip to Vegas. It’s rushed as all hell, and that’s putting it lightly. 

Not only that, but even though Reagan’s behaviors are addressed (or rather, lampshaded), it’s only part of the problem. Grant and Ray’s relationship, the relationship that the writers try to parallel with Reagan and MC’s relationship and that Reagan used to justify going back to MC, was a seemingly healthy relationship where they had struggles making things work, but they weren’t toxic. 

Reagan and MC’s relationship is straight up toxic from the start– again, they acted incredibly predatory towards MC on the very day they met, and their relationship has been filled with nothing but toxicity. And MC fails to realize this, even when calling out Reagan– which is why I don’t think the story really treats the full situation with enough seriousness. The story doesn’t just shoot itself in the foot– it shoots itself in both of its legs AND its free arm, so many times that it’s too late to even amputate them because it’s already died from bleeding out so goddamn much (I know that sounds pretty extreme, but you get the idea). 

Also, to add acid to all of the many wounds, this series was the perfect opportunity to let us have a pegging scene. But outside of one scene in Book 2 where you can mention MC wanting to use a strap-on, we don’t seem to get that. Oh, but they’re perfectly fine with writing Reagan blowing on MC’s cooch despite that that’s a huge risk for an air embolism which is potentially lethal. (Granted someone did say MC can use anal beads on Reagan in the finale scene if you choose MC to be a dom; but I played that scene, after having chosen MC to be dom, and uh… there was no option). 

You know what though, this series isn’t good enough to have pegging anyways. The only pegging Reagan deserves is a pegging in the face with a fucking hammer. 

Fuck this series. What a waste of potential.

[rowanthestrange]

Foster Pup Blog:

How I ate breakfast this morning

We survived the night!

Given his trauma reactions to being locked in, we aren’t shutting him in his Secret Den yet, so the middle-ground we’re going for is having him in the living room overnight. …obviously that also has a shut door, and his separation anxiety won’t be having that (and nothing’s ever fully day one puppy proof), so I get to move temporarily onto the sofa. Depending on how long he’s here, the plan is that he gets used to the crate enough we can first drop the blanket down like a door, then add the door, then remove me. Or failing that, work out the majority of unsupervised puppy-proofing problems, give the sofas up for lost and get to be happy if they don’t get chewed up, and slowly move me out of the room that way.

But he did manage to last a whole night from around 11pm to 6:30am without waking up for a walk about. And while we did have a little full-bladder accident this morning he did really tried to hold it and we’d have probably made it if I hadn’t chanced trying to put my hoodie on first. (We’re on the second story so it’s not as instant out as we’d like, but he’s already got the idea).

He does woof at just about everything, which we’re trying to positively train out, but given everything it might take a while, which we may or may not have. And he seems to have an understandably wonky view of ‘object permanence’. If my husband goes behind a door or upstairs, the little lad hears noises and woofs at him like it’s a stranger until he sees him. Makes sense. He’s been in kennels with their many entrances and exits and huge variety of people working there. The humans in his life must have seemed completely random and unknowable to him. When he woke up this morning (and bear in mind I’m not one to anthropomorphise) he slid out of bed, butt first, had a little sleepy look around, and when he noticed me you could see the shock and surprise in his eyes, and he then rushed up for cuddles. He must’ve grown to enjoy being with so many people, and then they leave again. With a human baby we try to limit their number of primary caregivers to prevent attachment disorders; probably something similar for puppers.

The rescue people are still all but forging the adoption papers. Even the foster care coordinator is pushing for it, though you’d think that’d reduce our utility (“sometimes I might want a dog fostered alongside another - if he can do it then there’s nothing stopping that”) and oh he is lush. But the thing I think is weird is…ok I’m trained to some degree in dog and animal care (and frankly the childcare I think also counts, a lot of similarities tbh except sadly not allowed to clicker-train the toddlers), and yes I’ve got time, flexibility, and enough income to cover sudden basic needs/medical care. But I don’t think we’re that special - those are standards the forms want you to meet. It’s just one of those things where you’re thinking what the usual clientele on the list for adopting a rescue puppy are like then? Cus I’d have thought we’d be average really, our home and garden setup isn’t great, and we had to cart our big old border collie/doberman cross in the back seats of a clapped-out Mini that didn’t even have back doors and he had to climb through the front ones (and we’re still transporting this little lad in the same one! Though actually do plan to get another now cus it’s costing new car money to fix it at this point). I don’t know, it’s just like…you know when you see visible emotional relief in a service worker’s eyes when something goes wrong and you’re nice to them, and you’re like ‘fuck I thought this was normal politeness levels, what are people usually like to you?’ That. At the end when I pulled the tape-measure out of my pocket in our first meeting with him so I could size what harness he’d need, one of them literally went “yeah I want you to have him”. But I don’t know, maybe a baseline awareness of what you’re getting into is not actually the default I think it is. Might be Autisming. Just because you think through details of needs and how something might work in a full flow-diagram mega tree of options, doesn’t mean everyone does.

And I do think he is going to be a bit more of a pickle than they think with these early impermanence trauma complications, more so than pure simple separation anxiety I think. And I suppose we would just be adding another stone to that wall, with him leaving us for yet another brand new set of humans… Or is that just justifying myself?

(Though one more neutral thing is that he lies flat with frog-legs a lot:)

(EDS people recognise that hypermobility? They’ll be able to check him for hip dysplasia/its level if so when he gets snipped, but our vet friend is at least a little unsure on their health and wants him on joint supplements if he stays (a lot easier than Brigsy since this one isn’t allergic to seafood). And we do know what his therapy exercise needs and the hydrotherapy people well)

How do you know whether to trust that people see something right in you? Or is that also a form of arrogance - not trusting other’s assessment of you? Bah. Sorry. This is what happens when I start actually blogging on the blogging site.

Have some compensatory puppy pictures:

[fintan-pyren]

whenever anyone else posts about non-kotlc books I’m like yes this is normal and unremarkable but for some reason whenever you do I start kicking my feet staring at you with wide eyes like oh? what’s fin reading? fin likes reading? non-kotlc book…i must know more…

for some reason you posting about a book is like a double peer review or something

Yep, I post almost exclusively about Keeper. Due to a lack of free time, I haven't read much new fiction for the past while, and although Introduction to Classical Mechanics by David Morin is certainly an informative and engaging book (the inclusion of limericks in a physics textbook is a bold choice), blogging about my textbooks isn't my top choice. So...not all that much besides Keeper to talk about.

Now that I actually have a break, however, I've started reading Curse Words. I've been reading the author's current science fiction web serial, Time to Orbit: Unknown, some time ago, and their writing is amazing, so I had to buy Curse Words.

You know how I mentioned wishing Foxfire had more fucked up magic school things? The magic school in this book, Skolala Refujeyo, has those. A lot of those. The main character, Kayden, manages to get himself into a life-threatening situation just in the first few chapters. He's actually fairly aware of the fact that the school is Not well-designed or safe (this does not prevent him from putting himself into dangerous situations every chance he gets) which results in him responding to his surroundings in interesting ways.

It's a cool world because it's very similar to ours, with phones and modern technology and everything, but the existence of magic just changes everything a little. Their laws are based around it. It's used to aid medicine. People put holly wreathes on their doors to protect themselves. The bulk of the story takes place in the mage school, Skolala Refujeyo, though, not in the ordinary world.

(Magic can be incredibly dangerous to the user, and can be pretty limited, so it doesn't completely change people's way of life like some magic systems could)

There isn't exactly an active fandom, but we can change that! The books are $1.99 each! With a total of about $8 for the series, it's a very inexpensive fandom to get into. (benefit of it being a former web serial compiled into books)

Anyways, great series.

[feyariel]

I'm so fucking sick of the lightbox preview.

On the app, you have to open a photo in lightbox in order to download its original size. If you don't, you get some weird, random resized version that will be shrunken and might not be clear.

However, loading the lightbox is risky. Half the time (literally), it doesn't load. Sometimes, this will go in spurts; just now, I tried to load the same photo in lightbox twenty times and only got a black screen. I had to reload the app twice to get the lightbox to work. Conversely, if the lightbox does work, there's a chance that the app won't return to normal when you exit out of it; it will instead be black, won't load anything, and won't respond at all, so you'll have to close out of the app and reload. This, of course, resets your feed (because we can't have nice things like FEEDS ONLY RESETTING ON COMMAND), which can mean scrolling through hundreds of posts (depending on how many blogs you follow, how frequently they post, and how often you check) to get to where you were.

Some photos won't load properly at all on the app. I don't know why.

On desktop, the issue is similar. If you want to download a photo, you have to open it in its own tab. However, you also have to get it to load in such a way that it isn't in Tumblr's (relatively recent) photo display tab style, which will only allow you to download a shrunken, often distorted version of the photo. It used to be that you could open the photo in a new tab without a problem.

"But art theft!" Bullshit. I have absolutely no sympathy for this. First, if you're worried about your art getting stolen, don't post it to social media that doesn't have strict protections for such. And 90% of the photos on here aren't the blogger's art. They're selfies or porn or memes or otherwise taken from other websites. More importantly, if you want to, say, throw an image into a reverse image search (Yandex, TinEye, or Google Images [using the proper exploits to the latter anymore]) to find the original, you're likely barking up the wrong tree. Yandex no longer allows you to link directly to a Tumblr photo when it's in the lightbox on desktop. The resized versions often won't get IDed properly because they're screwed up somehow, while the ones that are direct file transfers of the original upload very well might. Plenty of "artwork" (though not often called such outright, it's presented as it) on here is putting someone else's full-color photos of people into grayscale (another peeve of mine) or cropping photos, almost always without credit, neither in a way that does anything meaningful to the original itself.

You should be able to tap (on the app) or right click (on desktop) a photo as it appears in your feed and download the original uploaded version directly from Tumblr. If you're worried about people stealing your art, you should have an option to disable this for your blog's original posts.

[26ja]

🦋If you get this, answer with 3 facts about yourself and send it to the last 7 blogs in your notifications, anonymously or not! Let's get to know the person behind the blog🦋

Hey! Thanks a lot for this ask. Sorry I let it sit for a bit because it's a bit similar feeling as when new teacher asks you to say few words about yourself and you promptly forget everything there is and half the class then goes with 'my hobby is sleeping' :D (real thing that happened, including me of course:P)

sooo.... hehe, why don't use this for a bit of rant (sorry)

1. I have no irl friends outside of family (which sucks majorly)

(I changed school at the edge of puberty and feels like I haven't recovered ever since - had 1 or 2 friends at high school and none since then.)

2. For tenth birthday I chose my present - 1000 pcs. puzzle just to see if I could do it. Turns out I could, with the help of family, and then several times by my own (different puzzles of course.)

3. I am apparently "interested in ideas"

...

Does this sound so pretentious and insufferable to you? Well, good news, you're not alone. That is something that was told to me with a straight face.

Ohooo I wanted to rant about this for the longest time. Sorry.

So, in the last year of high school we were made to take this personality/iq test which consisted of millions of questions that kept repeating themselves apparently trying to catch you lying. Which offended me massively along with the fact that the very first question was 'tell something that is important to know about yourself'. Which again, teenage me was offended - if you want to asses me, analyze me, then figure it yourself, duh. So I am sitting there looking at blank page, chancing side look at the class mate who's writing - I kid you not - two full pages of who knows what.

Anyway. Those test were supposed to help us with choosing school/career after high school. Which, you guessed it, did nothing of the sort for me. After the tests were evaluated, several days later, we had a meeting with the dude - still not sure who he was. Some kind of psychiatrist, psychologist maybe? Maybe not, who knows. And this is what he tells me.

That I am "interested in ideas". And I am sitting there bit anxious, 'cause duh, you're supposed to tell me what to do with life and I am immediately stunned, slowly realizing that this isn't going to help me to choose school, thinking to myself who isn't? Like c'mon.

So I say OK. Or good perhaphs.

What is that even supposed to mean? Interested in ideas. Pff.

And this is not where it ends. Do you want to know what more he tells me?

That I am "cold".

I kid you not. He tells me I am cold.

So here I am, saying OK or equivalent of it, 'cause what the hell you're supposed to do in such a situation. And that's probably not the reaction he's going for, because he immediately starts defending himself as if I accused him of something. Which I did not. He starts telling me that that's not what he himself is saying, that's what my test is saying, that that's how people perceive me.

(Which, he might not be entirely wrong in hindsight. Sigh.)

But really? Wtf dude? Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you for ever thinking this is OK to tell to teenage girl. Fuck you. Even years later - fuck you.

(At any given moment I am like 5 seconds from crying and you tell me I'm cold? wtf? I am awkward. When I don't know how to react - which is often - I just don't. React. Fuck you, man.)

Anyway, I thought this is where I'll stop but - ah, whatever. I'm gonna spill all the beans. Cause this whole meeting was certainly an experience.

So anyway, on the test, one of the questions was - circle what careers you're interested in. So cue me circling military career among the others. (Mind you, I'm not complete idiot, these are the times of peace, when everything looks OK and any conflict is just a bad dream.)

Single reason for it is - they retire early. I am not working at this point but I am pretty sure I don't even want to like ever, so if I have to, it should be the shortest possible time, right? They retire at what - like forty? Some of them choose to work for longer because they are bored. Can you imagine? So that's my thought process behind it.

And the dude goes, there you circled military, it doesn't really check out with the rest, why you did that. And because I am an idiot at last, I say because when you want to throw over a government you need military :D And he goes, hm, yes, interested in ideas...

So anyway, I'm pretty sure they still have that record on me somewhere :D

(But tbh I am still kinda proud of my non-reaction when he told me I'm cold. Kinda wish I was this sassy on purpose and not just awkward but well, I certainly do hope the dude got the same whiplash from meeting me as I got from him. )

[margaetyrell]

honestly i’m so tired of all this gaylor stuff that is going on. look, this is the first time i speak about it and i won’t do it again but i just need to get this off. idk what even started it now, but people seriously need to understand once and for all that it is just as weird to hate an almost non-existent group in the fandom and argue against it to earn coins to be the best fan, while underestimating and prejudging other people you don’t even know, and when you are gonna say hurtful things that you will later on regret, bc there is a 98% chance they will be understood as homophobic even if that wasn’t your intention. that is what it is. 'no but i’m bi and i find gaylors disgusting' that statement is even more damaging tbh, bc once again you are prejudging when you should know better how this hate form has always been harming to the collective you belong to

that’s the main reason ppl are afraid to even joke about it in their own blogs, or analise lyrics under a extremely brilliant, queer lens that is kept to themselves precisely bc the fear of being judged and attacked. i’m a gaylor and i have no shame admitting so, but i don’t talk about it nor write my own connections in terms of her lyrics bc of this, as i felt personally hurt by such judment in the past and talked about it with one only person privately. in fact, if you go to my gaylor tag you aren’t gonna find k*ylor, crazy easter eggs and conspiracy theories, instead it is full of quotes that she herself has said, queer campaigns she has been part of, thoughts ppl have found behind her lyrics and lots of gifs of her wearing lgbt+flag colours - all public. that is all, and i’m even reluctant to rb anything related to her past relationships, just as candids or posts about her current one. which btw does not mean that bc i’m a gaylor i don’t consider it true or that i automatically don’t believe anything she says and think joe is a beard, as most of you simply assume

THIS when that’s all some of you seem to talk about, like every time she releases a rerecording, the memes that circulate are 'well j.jonas will always be mr perfectly fine and all these songs are about him' fact that even his wife got to see and at which they both laugh now, probably to downplay how fucking tired of it they must be. and what about the hate harassment jake has been receiving since red tv came out, which he hasn’t spoken a word about, despite facing even death threats. or the fact that ppl keep saying 'lmao harry you are next, cannot wait for speak now tv so john gets what he deserves.' like ??? but that way of talking about your fave is alright just bc she is straight? is that supposed to make her feel better? isn’t all that just as toxic or even more so?? bc gaylors in general don’t make that much noise or harm to begin with. so to excuse all of this under 'all those relationships have been confirmed by both parties and that is why i have the right to talk about them' sorry but it’s the biggest bullshit i’ve ever heard 1) bc no, most of such relationships have in fact never been confirmed by both parties and by no means have these songs been confirmed by Taylor herself, ever. 2) the fact that a relationship has been public does not give you the right to inspect it and talk about it, once again, as if you were taylor’s bff and not even that !!! as in general friends and real fans don’t talk about her life so frivolously, no matter how much you excuse yourself under this shit that keeps crossing all boundaries

so basically, talk about her private life all you want like i personally dgaf, but i find it quite hypocritical to hate on a minority that happens to be lgbt, casually!! for saying 'hmm wait a sec, wonderland sounds gay and has too many similarities with dianna' 'hmm i wonder what happened there, whether they were friends or not, that was such a weird relationship' which even j.lawrence joked about saying ‘i’d just like to know what’s between kk and ts' - not the best example, but you get where i’m going. frankly, i highly doubt taylor would give a shit if i write a post on a social site she doesn’t even use anymore, that it’s gonna be reblogged by 4 ppl and possibly get 20 hate asks in return, like @13sleepless deals with on a daily basis, which is terrifying and admirable of them. bc who really care about this are those who claim not to be homophobic or have nothing against queer interpretation while continuing to make arguments against it and not only song interpretations, but the very words and actions that taylor herself has done on purpose, under advertising her albums, tours, or whatever and i’m not even talking about easter eggs. i mean, is it not by logic the same to say 'well i’m not declaring anything new if i say that dear john is about j.mayer' as to say 'well i’m not declaring anything new either by saying, hey, taylor made a song/mv full of gay themes, full of ppl from the collective, where she even wears clothing and a bi coloured wig that has been publicly recognized, started a campaign in support and an entire album promo where in the previous mv she said gay pride makes me ME!!!’ like...... isn’t it? sorry weren’t those her literal words?? okay....... then please explain to me how it is for you bc if you really think that doesn’t sound problematic or i’m making it up, it may be time to evalue your own morals and stop questioning those you judge under the same closeted box, without respecting them individually and without wanting to learn a shit about the matter

[littlecreativecorner]

Feedback and Suggestions to Tumblr Changes

Rant that has been coming for a week or two now, extremely expedited by the recent change they made to literally make it look like Twitter. I’m assuming the change stems from this statement they put in their latest Staff post:

"The underlying problem is that Tumblr is not easy to use."

The thing is - nothing is easy to use, the first time. If you've never been on a website, if you've never used a program, a game, an app - the chances are, you are not going to know how to use it easily if you haven't encountered it before. Does that intrinsically make the service you're using bad? No! So what could Tumblr do to help instead? Well. Huge feedback and suggestion dump under the cut, with the LEAST rant-driven comparisons I can muster. I'll be sending this post as feedback myself, but I want it public too.

I'm going to break these down into bullet points with explanations, but keep in mind that I'm just one person, and I'm bound to miss out on plenty of things others might have thought of; this is not the blog to send in feedback or suggestions or other thoughts, it's a one-off long as all fuck post because I'm opinionated. Take the list and run with it, add to it, use it - whatever, but please don't come to me for more takes about this. That being said:

Section 1: Layout

Feedback: New layout

I won’t be the first or the last person to say this: the new layout is basically Twitter. You know this, I know this, the staff knows this. Tumblr…is not Twitter. The obvious pro to this change is that everyone that’s ever used Twitter in their life is going to know where things are, because it looks like a worse version of their (already bad) platform. The cons are…everything else. From this point onward I’m referring to the 19/7 layout as the Twitter layout because it’s simpler, and it’s true. Also I don’t like it.

I don’t want to spend my time here when it looks like this, and frankly, people don’t want to use any social media platforms that are an obvious rip-off of others in looks and function; they are going to use Twitter regardless until it dies. This is why few people have gone to Mastodon and kept using it even if it IS a better alternative to Twitter, and quite similar. It’s the same with games. You want more people to use Tumblr? Make it unique. Keep the old layout, or do adjustments that actually benefit the interface, and double down on the uniqueness of what it can do different, and better, not what it can do the same. Tumblr is a blogging platform; lean in on it. I digress. The Twitter layout dissection below.

Suggestion: Layout (desktop) and interface

I have a wide screen, and my personal experiences are written from that point of view; however, everything I mention here should be tested for ALL screen sizes, to optimize placement and user experience. I’ve gone through the tags to gather some opinions and mellow out my initial reaction of “oof, change bad”, but also I’ve always hated the Twitter layout which is the reason I don’t have one. Shocker.

The layout is cramped to me. It feels squished. Opening one thing overlaps on the other, having to scroll down for basic account functions feels insane to me because that’s where the likes, the drafts, the posts are. It makes me less likely to go through any of the website actual functions because I just can’t see them, and I have to put in extra effort of scrolling around to find them. The general upside of Tumblr for me was the ability to have sideblogs and easily access and edit them, and see posts, and likes, and other blog-specific things.

The Messages, Activity, and TumblrMart tabs still open as pop-up like features. For messages- no issue, there’s no need for it to take up further space. It was like this beforehand, and I didn’t mind it then either. I think that’s fine. Activity and TumblrMart, to me, feel spammy to look at. Personally, opening Activity in a half-tab like the one you get where you report blogs would be ok, because you can actually look through it with less fear of clicking off, but also, I don’t get a lot of notifications so I don’t have a strong opinion one way or the other. I have seen that it covers the dashboard which you might want to be looking at, so frankly, it’s probably best to not have it pop-up there at the very least. TumblrMart…please let it lead to its own site segment. No wonder people aren’t using it. It doesn’t have a clear overview, or options, nor do you feel like you can peacefully look around.

The fact that everything is on the left side sucks from an user standpoint as well because going swiftly from reblogging/liking/refreshing to account/messages/settings is not friendly user interface. This, to me at least, essentially discourages the interaction wanted. I digress. I think it’s a decent idea to separate left and right side and make things in part more accessible, but not like this.

My personal subjective opinion for a new (“more intuitive” interface) and suggestion:

Keep what is currently the account tab on the right, permanently open (likes, following, what’s new, help, shortcuts, log out) OR toggleable, with a toggleable (separate) “blogs” tab under it for privacy on the dashboard lest someone walk by and sneak a glance. Opening the blogs drop-down would by default make your main blog interface open, and side blogs closed; leave the toggleability and options as-is on the Twitter layout, that is fine.

Above this, put back the Home, Explore, Activity, TumblrMart, Domain, and Ad-Free icons. Home, Explore and Activity for usage, make TumblrMart lead to its own distinctive site instead of being a pop-up, and the rest people will eventually click on and know what they are. Potentially you could merge Ad-Free and Domain into one site you can just scroll through instead. Bind this with the search tab in the middle the way that it was, so things don’t stick cramped to the top of the page.

Leave Messages, Inbox and Settings on the left, and instead of “t” write “tumblr.” because there’s lots of empty space up top there otherwise, and it would look less awkward. Drop-down settings especially is a good thing to me because the settings interface was amongst the least intuitive things for new users, and it’s important because it shapes the entire usage of the site, and is one of the first things people go to for customization of their experience. Under this, stick “Check out these blogs” and “Radar”. Or only “Radar”. Workshop it or ask for user opinions.

That’s just one opinion of possibilities of one user, and no one has to agree with me whatsoever, but I’m not going to sit and pretend that things will never change ever even if I don’t want them to. There’s plenty of ground to cover here, but I really shouldn’t be doing the job of the Tumblr board of 200 people who already work there. Regardless, I’m upset, and I don’t want to use Tumblr anymore because of the changes you’re making, and I want to fix the leaks in the roof of my only house, because honestly? I don’t use social media besides Tumblr. I digress.

Feedback: Blogs (layout-adjacent)

I’ve been on this platform for over 10 years and I want to be absolutely clear on something; I hate the simplification of everything with a burning passion. I don’t want to spread misinformation and say that blogs not having their own immediate domain and theme on sign-up saves money, or space, or what-have-you, because I don’t know, but if it’s true then I understand the reasoning for the change. However, I do know that the slow erasure of personal themes makes the entire website bland as all fuck to me. I’m going to separate this in chunks because it’s important to me and I think Tumblr should use this function (as well as chronological non-algorithmical feed) to attract new users instead of trying to be something it isn’t. Is it realistic? Not my job to figure out, nor how to make it work! I’m already making a whole itemized list for a lot of things.

Feedback: Regarding mobile blog layouts:

A good change! I like that it’s simple and sleek and still customizable in a way where you can hide your likes and followings. I also don’t mind that the same settings are retained on the desktop version of your blog to keep consistency. It’s neat! However, I’m not the biggest fan of the desktop version of blogs, and so, regarding desktop layouts:

Suggestion: Make blogs that have a theme open in a new tab when clicked on.

In all honesty, I scroll less on blogs when I’m not on their personalized theme. It’s simply not inviting. It’s fine for one post; sometimes I just want to take a link from the source to pass it on, but when I further click on the blog icon to get to the main page of the blog itself, I wish it led to the actual theme as opposed to the dashboard version. I love looking through others’ posts and blog on their own personalized page, and frankly, it’s the reason I joined and spent so much time on Tumblr. If the theme is Godawful, or difficult to see, there’s always a button in the top right which literally leads to the dashboard version of the blog, on any blog with any theme. When I scroll through the dashboard version of a blog, I last maybe 5 posts at most, don’t like/reblog much, don’t follow, which further just stops the chain of engagement in this platform.

I can agree this isn’t for everyone, and people might not care too much about it. However, it’s like…a few lines of code to implement, and put in settings as a toggleable function. It would keep everyone happy. And make it known to new users.

Section 2: Retaining new users

Now that we’ve determined how nobody wants a rip-off website, and how changes are possible and have potential and don’t have to be bad, and how, certain layout functions are out there that little people know about, we’re going to move on to the statement that Tumblr staff made about not being able to attract and retain new users. I’m going to make a separate post completely that goes in on the topic of engagement (important for a website!), but here I want to focus on the differences in old and new user experiences.

Feedback: User experience for new accounts

I feel like lots of old users aren’t aware that this is what the new sign-up for Tumblr looks like, with all the steps. To Tumblr staff: no wonder people don’t understand anything or stay on the platform, and you think that algorithms are the way to go. Changing the interface to “please” or “attract” new users won’t do much if they still can’t understand and use the core functions of the site. The functions that are actually not badly described on the help page. The functions that make the site worthwhile visiting and being on for what it is.

The steps given after signing up force people to mindlessly click on things, without any understanding, and the interface looks…spammy. There’s no indication on making someone unfamiliar with the culture or layout actually familiar and understanding of it, there’s no explanation, nothing. It’s not inviting and it looks like a hassle, and if people don’t understand this, they will click things randomly, then go to their dashboard and be cranky because they don’t get what’s going on.

Suggestion: Signup and post-signup interface changes, tutorials

On the “What are you into?” page, elaborate on what following “tags and topics you want to see” means; will this show up on the dashboard, will it give you notifications, what? Let people know that they will see everything in a tag from all users, where it will be located, how if they tag an original post it will also be found in the tags, but that tagging reblogs won’t. People don’t know. Teach them as they go along.

Leave a few suggested (popular) tags, potentially a list of currently trending tags. Introduce a search function next to it that allows a quick scroll through whatever tag people might think of, with a sentence or two about how to use search/tags: this both familiarizes people with the difference between the “tagged” and “searched” terms on their dashboard (you could explain this, too!), and gives people the incentive to write whatever they want and follow that instead of one of 20 randomly generated tags that they then have to unfollow. Naturally, add a button saying “no thank you” to this step so that people that know how to use Tumblr don’t have to do any of that while making a new account.

On the “find your people” page, you should straight up explain what following people means and how to find people to follow, given that it’s the core function of the website, no matter how much you try to force the algorithm. The issue with following random people for new users is that they don’t know how to find them after this step, and there is only so far that the “check out these blogs” tab will get you. This ties into engagement, and so, I’ll go into a little more detail later.

Likewise, managing of the “For you”, “Following” etc. is not customizable and removable for new users. Please make this customizable the same way that the old users have it, wherein you can turn off certain tabs. In all genuine honesty, I find all that unnecessary, but I know some newer users might use it (whether it’s because they like it, or they don’t know any better, I can’t say). I think the choice of what the “primary” tab is should be given to the user though.

Regarding the rest of the website functions: You know when you download an app or a game and you have a darkened screen with highlighted points that let you know where is what and point at it, sometimes including pictures? And you read it to get familiar with the interface/controls, and skip it if you just don’t care? Brainstorm on how to make one of those. This solves 99% of your issues with people that want to use the platform and also read. Make it simple, to the point, cover the raw basics, and include an easily accessible link to the other tutorials with screenshots on the help page that I know exist but are horribly hard to find. Which brings me to my next issue…

Suggestion: Make the help and feedback sites easy to access and use.

It’s as simple as putting the words “Help” and “Feedback/support” on the right side under whatever text there was, or under the “suggested blogs” batch, or something. This is literally THE easiest change to make on the old layout and would undoubtedly help a lot of people that don’t understand the platform. Likewise, honestly, the help page with actual tutorials is kinda bad (the tutorials seem ok from what I’ve skimmed though). It’s big and bulky and stretched out and it makes getting to the actual tutorial you might need a little bit of a hassle. I’d suggest to rework that layout over the dashboard layout any day.

And regarding the people that don’t read? Well, first of all, that’s their issue. Secondly, the way new account making works on Tumblr needs to be reworked in a way where doing whatever is necessary while making the account before getting to use the platform needs to be optimized and clearer, with better instructions. The issue isn’t the layout, as much as a fundamental misunderstanding of the platform, which I’ve written about 6 paragraphs of just above.

Section 3: Engagement

With all of that out of the way, let’s get to the meat of the problem. One of the key issues Tumblr seems to have is this:

“To guarantee Tumblr’s continued success, we’ve got to prioritize fostering that seamless connection between people and content. This involves attracting and retaining new users and creators, nurturing their growth, and encouraging frequent engagement with the platform.”

I’d like to go in on this because to me this is the most important facet of why Tumblr is changing things. I urge you, staff specifically, to read this carefully and clearly.

Feedback: Engagement with the platform

A lot of reasoning for changes comes from a lack of engagement with the platform and its contents, and the want to get more users and as a consequence earn more money to keep the site running. I’ve already written about introducing new users to the website interface and culture better, so I’m going to write the following with the assumption that all site features are understood. Platform engagement and features are intertwined, and so this will include both feedback on current features and suggestions for future ones that I think would hopefully help engagement. Because this is about Tumblr changes, it’s only fair we start with the obvious.

Feedback: Make blogs and polls related to changes easier to access.

I’ve gone through a few blogs such as @/changes, @/wip, @/labs and @/staff. First off, most of these aren’t interlinked with each other, and it’s very very annoying. It costs 5 minutes to make a pinned post on each of those blogs that links to the others so people know what to turn to regarding which update/change. Likewise, please stop silencing/refusing blaze/putting mature setting on posts that discuss and complain about changes. This has never gone over well with anyone. You’re alienating your userbase.

Regarding polls about changes that you apparently do on one of your changes blogs: I’ve never seen them, and I’ve never seen any notices about them. If you care about retaining any user base you might still have, you might want to have these more often, and facilitate and encourage discussion and open suggestions. Mostly, just make a notice about the poll last until it is over just like you make the notices about “ask X from Y show!” things. I’d be more than happy to contribute if I actually knew there was a poll happening.

With that out of the way, let’s get to the rest of them.

Feedback: Algorithm and the “for you” page.

Plenty of people have said this before me, and better than me. I want to stress the fact that the “for you” page discourages reblogs, discourages interaction, and above all, discourages new content creators. The new algorithm functions use popular posts (without reblogs, no less!), which further pushes good and popular creators or bloggers, and leaves others in the dust. Making this the default dashboard and search results not only stagnates content, but also alienates creators you oh-so-dearly want to see bloom. I think having it as an option is inevitable in this day and age, but also, I would much rather see emphasis on the chronological, following and self-curating experience, than a trend-chasing one. You need to give people the space to grow if you want to encourage their growth. This space is hard to find when only popular things are pushed upwards.

Feedback: Search and tagged.

We all know the search function is broken in unspeakable ways. Unfortunately most new users a) don’t know that and b) don’t understand the difference between the search and the tags. For the latter, I’ve already suggested things. For the former: fix the search function. And maybe let people pick whether they want to default to search or tag they’re looking for when pressing enter in the search bar? I’m tired of double clicking because I tend to prefer going to tags.

Feedback: Issues with the Tumblr Live function.

Remove it. Few people use it, I doubt that it’s highly moderated, and I’m absolutely certain it’s costing you money more than it should. The fact that a recent Staff Q&A livestream was on it was a slap in the face given that at least a third of the userbase cannot access it given that they are in the EU. If your website function is banned in the EU, you might want to reconsider implementing it. If people want livestreams, they will go to Twitch, or less likely to Instagram. Tumblr doesn’t need this. It won’t make new users come. Market it as a blogging platform that it is, not a livestreaming platform.

Feedback: Issues with spam and bots.

There’s so many porn pots in all tags spamming everything and messaging users, and we all know it’s an issue. Work on removing them from the site more than you work on removing actual real live users that post porn on the site. At least the live users aren’t likely to give you viruses and scam. Related, make new users aware of this issue and urge them to change their icon or at least make an introductory post. If they get blocked for the assumption that they’re a bot, they see less on Tumblr, there is less engagement.

Suggestion: Following, specifically regarding new users.

The reason why “most users see only 25 posts a day” isn’t that they are lacking an algorithm, it’s that they’re lacking people they follow, and the fact that most suggested blogs to follow are ones that create content as opposed to reblogging it, and because creation takes time, well…people don’t get posts on their dashboard. The simplest way I can think to fix this would be to also suggest blogs that reblog based on source content tags they reblog. And because I know some people would rather have their little private corner: make this toggleable based on if their blog is searchable or such.

Alternatively, coin a known tag such as “New user follows” or something, wherein both new users can post asking for people to like if they post about XYZ fandom/topics so they can check the blogs out, and the old users can post a list of topics they talk about, and new users can just follow that way. “Like if you post X” in fandom tags used to be such a common thing, but I don’t think encouraging spam in said tags is a good idea, and so: new highly specific tag, which can also be noted and explained in the sign-up process!

New users don’t know this, but I (for one) find people that reblog things either by going up a chain of reblogs, or just visiting random blogs through reblogged posts of posts I like and content I enjoy. I’m sure every other user out there has their own method of finding new blogs. For this to work though, you need to have people that reblog, which leads to my next point.

Suggestion: Reblogging regarding new users only.

For the new users, it’s confusing to differentiate between a reblog and an original post, especially considering you can tag both. This kind of ties into tutorials that I suggested beforehand, but it should at least be mentioned somewhere, preferably during (or right after) the sign-up process. Granted, this might be mentioned in the help page somewhere, but after this entire manifesto, I don’t have it in me to check.

Suggestion: Encouraging reblogs for both new and old users.

I’m running out of singular brain cell power to one-man brainstorm things for the staff here, and I’m certain people have their own ideas to boot. The only thing I can think of is to give people a boon for a 1-minute crab run or 24-hour badge choice per, like, 1000 posts reblogged, 4 times a month to avoid spam. Either it will be funny or it will be ignored. I don’t have it in me to think about this because the moment I had started reblogging a decent chunk of things on my own blog, Tumblr made the layout change, and now I simply don’t want to.

Suggestion: Change replies to posts.

If there’s any one thing I ever actually wanted on Tumblr that Twitter has, it’s the fact that replies to an original post are threaded. I know this has been asked for plenty of times, but keeps getting delayed. You want to encourage connection and communication? Thread the replies. Please.

Feedback/suggestion: Reblog chains.

Bring back the ability to look at singular reblogs by going through a reblog chain. You're killing the culture of "previous tags". Also this just sucks. And it's harder to find blogs through a reblog chain that way. This suggestion is not eloquent because I'm adding it in as an edit since my brain is literally fried from writing the rest of this.

Likewise, don't condense reblogs. People have said it better than me as well, but that kills the culture of the site, it kills engagement in the way the site is made, and frankly seeing a punchline before the joke isn't going to make anyone reblog anything.

Feedback/suggestion: Advertise the option to have custom themes.

This is primarily meant to attract new users, and is bound to my suggestion of letting blogs open in new tabs. People love custom things and self-expression, and most new users don’t even know that this is an option. I know that the theme shop wasn’t profitable since the themes weren’t all that good; fine. But you can still use this function of the site to attract and keep people. Yes, the dashboard is the same for everyone, but each personalized blog can look however you want it to, and that’s the joy in it.

Suggestion: Accessibility

This goes without saying, and given that I luckily don't have many things that hinder me in using the site, I am not the best person to speak on this. Make gifs toggleable. Let people zoom in on images. Listen to those that need these features to happily use your site if you want them to stay.

Suggestion: More items in shop.

I imagine the reason most people don’t outright buy merch is that items with the name of any kind of internet site aren’t usually “cool”. I understand Tumblr needs money, and there’s only so many silly trends that are always going to be popular to buy. I also understand that a decent chunk of users probably don’t want crabs. The items in the shop are not my job to workshop, but honestly you could ask for userbase suggestions for it to get a feeling for what people want.

A few things that come to mind for me would be: more critters (just change the crab to something else!), more badges that are really just emojis, icon frames for you on the dashboard, self-picker for dashboard colors beyond the basic 12 offered, etc. Cash in on the customization. That being said: listen to your userbase regarding changes, features and functionality of the site, so that they in any way shape or form want to spend money on you in the first place, and so that they’re even there to do so. People won’t want to buy things if you’re actively working against them. There was a post about trust in website changes somewhere which explained it well; if I find the term I will edit it in here. I find it important.

Suggestion: Introduce a function to spoiler text and/or images.

This speaks for itself. The function to put text under a spoiler bar (think: Discord or Reddit) is to me, less necessary on Tumblr than the function to spoiler images. This leads back to the fact that Tumblr is a blogging platform, and you don’t censor things on blogs like that. However, spoilering images would be a good addition, especially given that some people might want to post leaks and/or content they don’t want people to see outright. This also introduces the option to have more suggestive content under a filter if people so choose. But I’ll be straightforward here: we all know what my next (and last) suggestion is going to be.

Suggestion: Bring back porn/mature/explicit content.

I want to preface this with the fact that I frankly don’t care about consuming porn, but I do care about content creators, fandom, and seeing art. And I do understand that Tumblr staff, for every request they have had to bring back porn, said that the issue is with apps and Apple etc. But this also needs pointing out, explicitly:

You want to attract and retain users? Bring back porn. Everyone and their mother knows that some porn is still alive and well on Tumblr, if you know where to look. Everyone but new (and non-) users. It’s a bit of an open secret, but if new users don’t engage with the old users because they don’t know how (issues and resolution suggestions mentioned beforehand), they are never ever going to find out. Let me be absolutely clear: People are not on Twitter because of the layout, or the algorithm. People are on Twitter and other popular platforms because they allow mature content, and so, a lot of content creators they care about are there.

And the issue here is, is that the mature content remaining on Tumblr is either live porn, comes from porn bots, or absolutely censored in like 3 posted art pieces. You want to encourage content creators and retain users? Stop alienating half of them from your platform. A lot of adults enjoy and engage in mature content. I repeat: the issue isn’t in the interface, or the function of the website; the issue is the content, or lack thereof, and fundamental introduction to the functions of the site.

I considered making Twitter JUST for the fact that certain artists were alienated on Tumblr and (shadow)banned for posting suggestive art, or porn art, and moved to Twitter to put their mature content there. It’s not about the layout.

It’s not my job to figure out how to do this. Frankly, I think a step in the right direction would be to enable and un-shadow mature content on desktop first and foremost, while still censoring it on app, especially for people who in their settings do have mature content enabled. Why can I still not see mature posts in the tags and search even though I’ve enabled it? Go from there. Figure it out. But you’re lying to yourself if you think the lack of engagement only stems from the layout and certain functions.

Allow mature content outright. I can guarantee you that this will help with the userbase, considering a majority of it left after mature content was removed, and some tried to “come back” after the false (recent-ish) assumption of it being once again allowed. We all know they went back out the moment it turned out mature content was still banned.

That's it! If you read this far as an user, thanks! I've surely missed out on a lot of things and barely scratched the surface, but this helped get things out of my head, and will hopefully stay in the thoughts of staff. If you're staff: you should have read all of it.

[ase-trollplays]

🗣 descur siblings descur siblings descur siblings

\\You've Been Gloomy Lately. Something On Your Mind?//

I shouldn't be ^t Crown Clinic.

\\Why Not? You're A Great Surgeon, And You Love Your Job. Why Shouldn't You Be There? Did Someone Say Something To You?//

No.

\\Okay, So Why Do You Think You Shouldn't Be There?//

I don't h^ve ^ medic^l degree or ^ license to pr^ctice.

\\... Wait, What? You Never Went To Med School?//

No.

\\Then How Did You Get Hired?? Ullane Just Took A Chance On You? I Mean, She Has To Know.//

She does. She w^s willing to overlook it bec^use my medic^l knowledge is so ^dv^nced.

\\Christ. Do You Realize How Illegal That Is? She Could Lose Her Practice If The Wrong People Find Out.//

Which is why I should le^ve.

\\Do You At Least Plan To Ever Go To School?//

... I don't know. The medic^l field is highly competitive. Murdering cl^ssm^tes is common. I'm ^fr^id.

\\Well, You Can't Keep Practicing With No Degree Or License. It's A Bad Look For You And For Ullane For Hiring You. Not To Mention, Again, Illegal. Besides, It'll Be Good For You, I Think. You'll Have A Chance To Make More Friends Outside Of The Clinic With Similar Interests. And If Anyone Messes With You, I'll Fuck Them Up.//

Ple^se don't hurt people on my beh^lf. I c^n h^ndle myself.

\\Okay, But If Things Get Out Of Hand, Call Me. Seriously.//

... Ok^y.

A meme for Multi-Muse blogs

[onewomancitadel]

I posted 1,927 times in 2022

That's 680 more posts than 2021!

1,454 posts created (75%)

473 posts reblogged (25%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@onewomancitadel

@pacificwanderer

@corseque

@scintilliation

@anomalous-fox

I tagged 1,926 of my posts in 2022

#seraphina's asks - 460 posts

#knightfall - 296 posts

#user: anonymouse - 212 posts

#stirring the pot - 156 posts

#cindemption - 137 posts

#whingeing and whining and moaning - 131 posts

#the distance which fools the skimming eye - 124 posts

#cinder fall sadsack tag - 79 posts

#seraphina's replies - 78 posts

#user: redhoodhungergames - 74 posts

Longest Tag: 139 characters

#ok wtf came back to edit: the automatic dropdown of tags to pick sometimes really fucks with stuff. it tagged something completely randomly

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

These are like blink and you'll miss it shots (I only skipped to it by accident, and it plays for like, less than a second). I think her sexy performance persona is funny, because easily her most sexy shots are when she's not trying to be like that.

77 notes - Posted January 30, 2022

#4

Cinder Fall is a good character you guys are just boring

80 notes - Posted August 11, 2022

#3

General wreck of TROS notwithstanding.

90 notes - Posted September 13, 2022

#2

The last time I tried to give a video essay a chance which was rather recently I fucking snapped when the essayist had the gall to ground his criticism in 'and why does everything happen to the protagonists?' the fucking state of narrative criticism, good grief.

134 notes - Posted November 14, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

I was just musing on how Reylo was argued against for years: 'it's gross,' or 'it's problematic,' or 'he killed Han', or 'it's incest' (that was the funniest one). Reylo is a good comparison of a ship because alike to Knightfall it's a mythic romance, it has a lot of similar motivating themes along with monomythic storytelling. It was also canon.

The issue with Reylo is that not once have I ever seen Reylo argued against on the grounds of monomythic interpretation or anything decently textually and thematically relevant. Because it was essentially impenetrable.

You couldn't argue with it on the terms of the text or the Original Trilogy because the Original Trilogy had a central redemption predicated on love, and in the context of a young man who is the evidence of Vader once being flesh-and-blood, a familial relationship was natural; between Rey and Kylo, who were both young and shared similar wounds, romance was the natural answer (particularly for picking up where Padme/Anakin left off).

The narrative reasoning that motivated Reylo is Star Wars. It's inseparable. It's mythic. It was the only planned canon detail of the Sequel Trilogy. It's evident in the concept art. They sought out Adam Driver to play Kylo and had a particular Romantic vision of Kylo. Eddie Redmayne auditioned for Kylo with the Pride & Prejudice script:

With films that top secret, they don’t give you the actual lines. So they give you a scene from Pride and Prejudice, but then they tell you you’re auditioning for the baddie. If you’re me, you then put some ridiculous voice on.

Pride & Prejudice is one of the most notable romance novels ever written and presumably this is referencing the 2005 film adaptation.

The Reylo dynamic was planned to be romantic.

The point I'm trying to make here is that you can't argue on these textual grounds and that's why you weaponise personal taste or anti bullshit. It's part of why it became so militant (and it was wrong place wrong time as a part of a broader shift of fandom) and to this day I still encounter people who try to explain to me that it's regressive for a female character to 'fix' a male character completely misunderstanding the thematic point of it or relationship of the characters that was reciprocal and grounded in the ethos of SW. They just keep repeating it because it's all they know and it makes them feel special and contrarian.

Sort of the point I'm trying to get at (as I have made a few posts about this already) is that the grounds on which someone is arguing something matters just as much as what the substantial content is. Reylo's refutation was personal taste. That was it. Because there was no other refutation.

Food for thought.

136 notes - Posted November 6, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[askaborderline]

I know this is more of a vent then a bpd issue, but,,your blog brings me a lot of comfort and I have no safe place or safe person to talk about it. I got back with my abuser who I have a trauma bond with, I'm fully aware its abusive. When we started talking again, he called me pathetic and acted extremely dismissive towards me- But I still got back with him. I haven't told any of my friends, in fact, I did worse. They kept worrying because I was keeping my distance from them again- (1/?)

Alright I'm not sure what April's policy is on answering vents and such, but fuck it we ball

Alright, first of all anon, I want to start this all off by saying I have been in very, very similar situations in my life - not exactly the same, but quite close, so I do have a perspective of where you are and what's probably going on in your head right now. Second of all, you are not a monster - I'm not wiping you clean of mistakes, I'm not saying you've done nothing wrong, but this does not make you a monster. Monsters are something evil we can't understand. You aren't evil, and I can understand you.

Okay, so let's get down to this issue. I'm going to try to point out a lot of objective facts because I know that's what BPD brain compartmentalizes the best.

Fact: Your partner is horribly abusive. You deserve better.

Fact: Your "partner" seems a whole lot better, and they might be willing to give you a chance. You have a shot at better.

Fact: Your friends will find out eventually. Trust me, if there's one thing I've learned from years of suffering from borderline/antisocial/narcissistic personality disorders, it's that nothing ever stays hidden forever no matter how well you keep a secret.

Fact: Your attachment to your abusive partner is a trauma bond and likely an obsession brought upon by them seeming to be your FP. It doesn't have to stay that way.

Fact: You likely suffer from emotional permanence, which is to say that you can't remember feeling anything other than strife and sadness. You have felt other emotions, and you will again.

Fact: There are solutions out of this, and they will hurt. But not forever.

Going with all this, I can only say that I think you need to bring this all out on your own terms. It's not going to be easy, not by a long shot, and I know a lot of this has to do with your disorder, but your best shot at keeping some friends around and your "partner" is admitting to what you did without a mask and dumping your abusive partner. I know it's damn near impossible to see that right now, I know the very idea sounds like suicide and ruining everything you've had, but some of your friends might forgive you. Some of them might stay. You can get a new FP, one who won't use you. Hell, by the sound of this guy, it seems like he knows what your symptoms are (at least subconsciously) and is using them to his advantage, knowing you'll never leave no matter what he does. I've met a ton of fuckers like that, and the only way I got away was when they threw me away.

I am currently trying to dig out of a pile of wreckage that used to be a life because I never stood up for myself, I never admitted to my mistakes, I never left people that were bad for me. Please don't do what I did.

It's gonna sting like hell, and it's gonna feel like the end of the world for a while, but there's a life beyond your partner, and you don't need them. You've made it this far. You're stronger than you know. Don't make the mistakes I did. Dump him, own up to your friends, ask for forgiveness, see what happens. If it doesn't go well, you will find new friends, new opportunities. Life will go on. I know everything seems apocalyptic right now, but it never stays that way.

And please, do not die for your partner. You don't deserve to go out that way, and he does not deserve to kill you.

If you need someone at any point, if you need help digging out of the wreckage, you can find me at @fearofahumanplanet. Call me if you get lost.

I hope you make it and find better people, and I mean it. I really do.

Mod Jane

[pynkhues]

Hi! I was reading your tags on your black phone ask and it actually reminded me of something similar I’ve experienced recently with ST. I found out that both my mom and aunt didn’t realize Billy is racist.

My mom is still convinced that he didn’t like any of the boys for being “nerds.” My aunt had wondered if Billy might be racist but said that she decided he wasn’t bc that would be a mean thing to think of someone. Which is like a lot to unpack from both of them.

I know you mentioned in your post that you feel like there’s a lack of media literacy but do you also feel like this is connected to the anti-intellectualism culture shift that we’re going through as a society and how do you feel like it’s affecting things you see as somebody so steeped in fandom?

I know that’s like a really big question that somebody could probably do a dissertation on (which is actually why I stayed on anon so you don’t like hate me lol) but I always enjoy your thoughts and figured if it was something you didn’t want to delve into you could just ignore.

Love your blog. 🤍

Hey! Thank you for your kind words, anon, and I don’t hate you sending a complicated ask at all! I love complicated asks!

It’s actually kinda good timing too, because I’ve been reading a bit about race and Stranger Things at the moment and especially recommend Kaiya Shunyata’s article on Roger Ebert The Antagonism of Blackness in Stranger Things and Khalisa Rae’s article on Jezebel The Black Kids in ‘Stranger Things Never Get the Story They Deserve, both of which are brilliant, incisive reads. I know racism in the show / Billy being racist isn’t actually what your ask is about, but still! I love to spruik great criticism, haha.

That’s so interesting about your mum and your aunt, especially your aunt realising and then feeling the need to correct herself, and I think does speak to the inherent bias we bring to the stories we consume, and that even when that’s challenged, as it seems it was with your aunt, the ways we’re socialised can still have our heads trying to flip the switch back, so to speak.

I love that you asked me about anti-intellectualism, because y’know - - I’m Australian! Which as a country is one that I think is very anti-intellectual, and I hope you don’t mind me speaking to that for a second, just because I think it’s kinda relevant here.

The Land of Luck

I’ve actually had a lot of long conversations with @foxmagpie over the last few years about the difference in cultural identity between America and Australia, and in the process of that we’ve talked quite a bit about these sorts of ‘national slogans’ as almost like, this type of cultural endorsement.

America is ‘The Land of Opportunity’ and Australia is ‘The Lucky Country’ and how that filters down into a public consciousness is pretty different.

Being The Land of Opportunity creates a sense that everything in America is yours for the taking, which means that any failure is an individual’s alone. An American has every chance to succeed, so anything less than that is not America’s problem. Being The Lucky Country though means ultimately you’re lucky to live in Australia, and if you don’t like it, you can fuck off.

As cultural messages, weirdly, they’re not actually that different on paper, and certainly have similarities in the sense of how they shut down criticisms of country and culture, but they also have very different outcomes, with America putting a lot of onerous on individuals to eschew community and government responsibility, whereas in Australia, I think it does sort of the reverse. There’s this contempt for individualism and the country has a severe case of Tall Poppy Syndrome, anyone who rises above the field, particularly to challenge the status quo, is swiftly cut down to size.

What’s interesting to me right now is the different political trajectories of the countries.

We had an election recently where a very anti-intellectual, incompetent, religious zealot prime minister was ousted in favour of a softer-spoken, more empathetic, intelligent and progressive prime minister who's an atheist (and one, importantly, from a very working class background who grew up with a single mother in government housing – he was of the people, for the people, and the fact that he reflected the background of many Australians was important – he’s a part of the field, not seeking to outgrow it, and for once that feels like a positive), and he’s built a government that will hopefully reflect that over the next few years.

It's kind of this fascinating thing, because I do think that the election was in part a result of people seeing the rise of anti-intellectualism in other countries, and this conservative regression in both the UK (after all, Australia’s still a part of the Commonwealth) and the US which as you said, seems to be experiencing a very significant culture shift at the moment. There’s a lot to be said about Australia having a ‘little sibling’ mentality with a lot of countries, particularly UK and the US, and I think the culture shift that’s happening in Australia right now – in my most hopeful moments at least – is indicative of a sort of national coming of age in response to her ‘big brothers’.

Again, that’s very optimistic though, I know, because I also do think something we’re seeing now more than ever, is that national identity is kind of irrelevant and that these sorts of things are cyclical – times of progress are met with backlash, and that backlash is usually felt in the rise of conservatism, which in turn results in loss, both literal and metaphorical, and eventually enough pain and anger and purpose is built again to claw forwards in a way that feels like progress, and then the cycle repeats.

Time isn’t a flat circle, it’s a human centipede, and I do think Australia’s at the nicer end of the chain right now, but at the end of the day, we’re all still eating shit.

Pop Cultural Powers

In no small part, a lot of that is because America does have a stranglehold on pop culture and media. I’m not saying that in any sort of accusatory sense, it’s just a reality, and I think it does shape global issues, both for the better (shows like Pose and When They See Us for instance creating international dialogue around trans history and the wrongful convictions of Black men, issues topical in every country) and for the worse (Joe Rogan springs immediately to mind).

There are other powers of course – Kdrama and anime and what feels like a once-in-a-generation British property juggernaut that swoops in to flatten any and all competition (James Bond and One Direction leap to mind) – but at least in the West (and lbr, outside of the West too), American pop culture tends to dominate.

I could talk a lot here about the reasons for that, but I don’t really think it’s relevant. What I think is relevant is that the rise of conservatism in America has trickle down effects that impact media consumption the world over. American platforms like Facebook, Twitter, TikTok and even Netflix go global, and they snuff out local competition while bringing with them an American centro-ism, and with that, ultimately, their politics.

And when the politics are fucked, everything is, and we saw that with the way separatism under Trump compounded through social media, as did the rise of Christian evangelicalism, the alt-right, and QAnon; and in these new global platforms, other countries throw their own grenades into the mix with fake news and bot armies and deepfakes and their own conservative governments, and we’re left with a pop culture that’s become synonymous with actual culture and politics and social issues and international discourse, and oh my god, how does anyone keep up?

And then we hit the natural breaking point –

Maybe people don’t want to.

A quick note on the technological revolution

I feel like this is really important to include here.

Do you remember in highschool or college when people talked about the Printing Revolution, the Agricultural Revolution and the Industrial Revolution?

Well, there’s a huge argument to be made that we’re in the Technological Revolution (also known as the Fourth Industrial Revolution) right now.

When I was studying history in my undergrad back in 2009, one of my lecturers said it to the class, and it was the first time I’d ever heard it, but it pops up a lot these days. Revolutions are a time of sudden, radical or complete change, and they usually involve the overthrow or renunciation of a government or ruler, so - -

Take that as you will.

Another quick note on social progress (and another on revolutions)

Another sign of revolution?

A fundamental change to society.

What we’re seeing at the moment is a lot of radical change. To bring it back to your ask a little – think of Friends. Think of the jokes they could get away with, the cast they could get away with twenty years ago. I know in so many ways progress feels non-existent because change has been met so bitterly by some, but the way we consume media and what we expect of that media, has changed so radically in the last thirty years that it shouldn’t be surprising people aren’t willing or able to keep up.

Technology itself is an instrument of social change, and revolutions are a time of invention and political upheaval usually as a result of said social change and invention, and those things together create - - well - -

A Time!

For everyone!!

An Era in History!

It’s always progress and regression and depression and anger, and they’re often tied up with things like plagues (does this sound familiar?) and there are people who can’t keep up, people who don’t want to keep up and, genuinely infuriatingly and despicably, people who weaponise both.

Ch-ch-ch-changes

It’s also I think a time where the reality of social issues comes to the fore again.

I could talk a lot here about how feminism in particular has been watered down to give women permission to do whatever they want, instead of being a political movement that yes, seeks to protect all women, but also is fundamentally about challenging the patriarchy and the political structures that imprison women, and as a result, the women who are complicit in that, but feminism is just one movement reconnecting to itself.

We’ve seen this in the last few years with a wide range of civil rights movements, from Black Lives Matter and the backlash to copaganda and military-backed blockbusters, to Anti-Asian racism and quite specifically Asian women feminism in response to MRAsians, to the urgency in protecting trans rights, gay marriage and more.

The backlash to progress is always an attack on the human rights that have been fought for already, because Western society is a white patriarchy, and without systemic change, all progress is temporary.

As the saying goes, those who don’t learn from history are doomed to repeat it, and we are repeating it. I used this expression in a post a while ago, but I'm gonna use it again – just because we’re no longer handcuffed to the bed doesn’t mean we're out of the house.

Between the witch trial of Amber Heard and the repeal of Roe v Wade and the resurgence in modern day lynchings, that’s becoming increasingly apparent.

Okay, so let me put my benefit of the doubt hat on

I’m a pretty hopeful person, and I like to think the best of people, and in saying that, I want to say that this resurgence of conservative ideas and anti-intellectualism are a symptom, not a cause. I think this is a time of huge social revolution and a pandemic that is devastating people’s lives and livelihoods, and I think broadly people are afraid of change and the internet is bombarding people with information and misinformation all the time, and they’re being asked to take that on and dissect that without being given the tools to actually do it.

I think some people create often-but-not-always faceless campaigns under the cover of platforms like Facebook and TikTok to prey on and reinforce people’s ignorance, anxieties and insecurities, as well as deep running social bigotries and minorities’ internalised hatred as a result of said social bigotries, and use those to further a conservative agenda.

But what does this mean for fandom?

Well, I mean, fandom doesn’t exist in a vacuum, y’know?

Just like your mum and your aunt struggled to put aside their inherent bias when watching Stranger Things, I think a lot of fandom feels their interpretation of a show is inherently the right one and one that – particularly if they like the show – shouldn’t be challenged.

Fandom’s been around forever, but the current wave really is inherently entwined with the Technological Revolution a few times over – with the invention of the internet and social media and even the pandemic – and it makes sense that it would be tied up in current social issues too. The reality is that the internet has broken down a lot of walls in terms of location, accessibility, class, context, race and background which has some amazing positives, particularly when it comes to diversity of opinions, but it can also be a bit of a melting pot for negatives too.

In particular, I think it’s easy to find an echo chamber, which can reinforce someone's opinion as a fact, which I’ve seen a lot of, oh my gosh, haha. It also creates space for bad faith arguments and for cults of personality (which the latter I try very actively and very hard not to be – I really do just try to be myself on here – but know at points in time I likely have been).

In many ways too I think it both entwines with and weaponises a lot of the social issues and civil rights moments that are currently so prevalent globally as a result of the times that we’re all living in. We saw that especially disgracefully with the Deppford Wives and the Amber Heard and Johnny Depp defamation trial which was treated concurrently as entertainment, a showcase of internalised misogyny catfishing as moral grandstanding for male victims (would love to see some of these ladies defending actual male victims like Anthony Rapp), and lack of media literacy.

Anti-intellectualism definitely feeds into that.

It's a culture of individualism that tells people they know better than others, and the perceived amount of work I think it takes these days to actually explore a topic. It's an encouragement of personal interest, comfort, want and even desire, over reality. Because the new world is complicated, and the one they know is safe.

On my most hopeful days, I think it’s not deliberate. I think that we have a generation of people who are overwhelmed by the current state of flux and the information they’re bombarded with and an education system that hasn’t caught up to teach them how to truly engage with it. On these hopeful days, I think these are people who are socialised in a certain way, and as a result rely of that socialisation form their opinions, and don’t necessarily realise that critical engagement is more than a feeling, a keyboard and a platform.

On my least hopeful days - - well.

I don’t think that, haha.

Regardless though, we all bring our shit to what we watch – we’re all a part of the human centipede!! – and I think that’s always going to open up doors to interesting conversation, especially during times of real social upheaval, like we see now. I think stories though always offer the space to open doors to conversation and real change, regardless of media literacy, and the fact that you sent me this ask, it seems like maybe you’ve had the conversation with your mum and your aunt, and personally I think that’s where the real dialogue happens.

Change, education and literacy (media and otherwise) starts at home, and I think it’s awesome that you’ve started that at yours. 😊

[ranthru]

From nowhere, armed with nothing. How to stay alive.

I thrust myself into uncertain territories, armed with very, very little. The weapon I am sorely missing is direction. Clarity. I have no flashlight. Where the fuck am I going?  This situation i’m in. It can’t be too unlike the esoteric NEET life of the twitter posters I admire so much. But even they have a wherewithall, a way to busy themselves that is self directed. They’re curious auto didacts, hapily spending days reading articles on nutrition, archival magazines, or writing lofty blog posts. Meanwhile, i’m quite certain that if given the opportunity, I could easily slip into endless loop between the 4 most demanding apps on my phone, scrolling them all like clockwork until enough time has past for the first one to be ready to refresh again.  My friend back home is a musician. I was really amazed by the way he managed to live at home, imposing a structure that gave him a day to day clarity. He woke up, did yoga, read his book, went for a walk, did online courses on coding or cooking, noodled around with his instruments, he had friends on discord servers he would discuss movies with, he cooked for his family, had some wine, watched movies into the night.  This life sounds really good to me, but relies on some things that I don’t quite have, or am in the process of getting:

1. He lives with his family, rent and food are not an issue. While I am in a similar situation it is not quite the same. I am staying with family friends, they have allowed me to stay rent free for as long as I need. But I am concious of the resources I consume, the space I take up, and the good will that ever so slowly dissipates in situations like these.

2. He has clear goals for himself. That life, though nourishing and relaxing, is temporary. He knows where he wants to be in the future and is taking active steps to get there. I’m not sure exactly what I want just yet, all of my decisions are conditional on one thing or another, I’m letting my circumstances dictate my path. Money.... Thats the question.  3. He has a natural passion and curiousity.  He loves music, and is devoted to it. Each day holds something that beacons for him. Art for art’s sake. For the love of the game. This eclipses the passifying nature of social media which seems to have such a strong hold on me. I’m easily destracted, I give up easily, and I am severely addicted to my phone. It’s like a safety blanket for me. It inhibits my internal voice, and cripples my ability to take decisive action in any one thing. I need to find focus. 

I have external pressures forcing me to take action. So I need to get my ducks in a row. Assess my assets, my responsibilities, my chances at staying alive. 

1. What do I want?

I want to have a life in which I am able to support myself and devote a substantial portion of my day to creative work. 

The obvious path would be one in which my creative work IS what supports me. This means that in some way the creative work has to have some commercial viability. I have to offer something to the market.  There is the world of institutional art, in which I have some success back home, but which I ultimately have very little faith in. Its obsolete in many ways, its exclusive to an intelligencia that I grow more and more disdain for (perhaps the longer I am not apart of it).  There is also the option of working in something that does not relate to my creative work but will allow some financial freedom with which I can more safely operate. The issue here of course, is that you can spend a lot of time doing that and then have no time or energy to work. This economy is not one in which I can work a cafe job all day and work on art all night. The cost of living is too high for that. I could take a coding course or something similar and try to get a high paying job to support myself with. I have an issue comitting to this, which is mostly just a matter of overwhelming choice. The time I spend doing coding courses is time im not spending on my practice... Whatever my practice is...

I’m scared about the future. The climate, the economy, the state of culture. Every impulse is telling me to achieve some kind of financial security, geographical independence, general competency in living. Having skills that are valued and helpful. 

I want to spend time relaxing, I want to find friends that I love and love me. I want romantic love, and eventually I want children. I want my work to be respected and widely known. I want to be a good person. 

[alicenttully]

That person really doubled down on their incredibly asinine takes. Look at this pile of garbage.

I forgot to mention how Sansa’s ableism would lead her to hating Elia too, while Elia would take issue with Sansa’s classism in addition to her misogyny. I mean seriously:

They led the boy away. My lord husband, Sansa thought, as she contemplated the ruins of Winterfell. The snow had stopped, and it was colder than before. She wondered if Lord Robert would shake all through their wedding. At least Joffrey was sound of body. -- Sansa, AFFC

Despite the abuse Sansa suffered from him and the murder of her father, Joffrey being able-bodied is what makes him preferable to her as a partner. I can understand her not liking Robert Arryn, but the reasons she gives here is clear as day: his disability makes him inferior to her actual abuser and the murderer of her father. That’s the tragedy of Sansa. She’s locked into a worldview dictated by cruel bias’ against others, which can only continue leading her down the dark path she’s always been on. 

Had Elia had the misfortune of encountering Sansa, she would have endured deep-seated ableism due to her medical condition to a level that even Cersei wasn’t mean enough to throw at her during their time with each other. It’s so sad that people want to link a kind character like Elia to a villain like Sansa. I don’t know what Elia did to deserve this level hatred. 

This isn’t even funny. It’s fucking depressing. I just can’t.

Holy flippin' hell.

A) I'm sorry, but if Sansa was really so ableist she wouldn't have been so happy that Bran survived his fall, even though he was now paralysed. Contrast that with the people who actually think Bran is a coward for not taking his life. I'm sorry, but what the fuck? I won't deny Sansa has some ableism - she has to, otherwise Tyrion's experiences in Westeros wouldn't exist. But you know who else is ableist? Her beloved fave. Arya, like other characters, uses ableist language like the Imp.

B) Does this moron realize that all of the nobility is classist and unless you're advocating for a complete overhaul of the system, then yes you are a classist? For real if you look at Ned Stark just because he had different approaches than Tywin Lannister doesn't change the fact that he still is a lord who believes his family is entitled to rule a certain seat - the same mentality that applies to the other houses.

C) If this person had any shred of empathy for Sansa they would realize the core of that passage- and they almost get it. That whole passage prior to that one was Sansa doing some intense grieving and finding some cathartic release through playing in the snow to Littlefinger then assaulting her. This is when Robert then enters and accidentally hurts the snow castle. It was an accident but suddenly Sansa is reminded of the fact that she has little agency and Robert is someone else that she is being forced to marry.

D) Did they miss the part when the Tyrells were scheming to marry her to Willas and Sansa was coaching herself to give Willas a chance, even though he doesn't fit the ideal either?

E) @sayruq @agentrouka-blog @catelynoftherivers @esther-dot @elegantwoes Those listed IMO would do a lot better job demolishing the "villian Sansa" than I would. I will say the person who clings to the idea of there being true knights - someone who protects the innocent, probably isn't as villainous as you think.

Elia Martell's greatest misfortune was marrying Rhaegar Targaryen, not her interacting with Sansa in this hypothethical alter universe.

F) Of course Cersei wasn't going to be rude to Elia when the Martells visited Casterly (Tywin should have listened) but it's also canon that she considered Elia a "feeble Dornish princess" and thinks nothing of the fact that Elia had to die for her to be queen. Once again, I don't follow this person's logic.

G) Easy. Because Sansa and Elia are good people who share a lot of similarities.

[pepsicup]

Problems Of A Spaceman

Chris Beck x Stripper!Reader  6.4k words

Summary: Chris attempts to gain some confidence back after his fiancée leaves him, though, the journey is different than he thought it would be... (smut, mentions of cheating, self-deprecation, exotic dancing, space kink because duh, dope fucking music choice if I do say so myself)

Author note: yes I did write this four years ago, this is an updated version since I recently found it after deleting my other blog, enjoy.

2037

It shouldn’t even be a thing. Chris didn’t get nervous, this was something new for him. After thirteen years of education, five standard spacewalks and a back-to-back trip to the newly colonized neighbouring red planet, nothing should phase him anymore – but that was space. There were things significantly more nerve-wracking than his current situation; perhaps he was better at being an astronaut than fulfilling his social and romantic life.

While taking all the prerequisites required for NASA and in medical school, he didn’t have time for fraternizing with anyone, most people in the medical field experience that. It was a miracle that he could even keep the attention of his ex-fiancée during the mission to Mars since he didn’t exactly know how to flirt. No matter how intelligent he was, all of that did nothing to help him in his personal life and everything that came with it.

Furthermore, the sexual aspect was a problem for him, too.

He’s never had an opportunity to explore himself with another person, of course, he’s had plenty of sex but, it was nothing more than the standard modus operandi. Beth was hard to navigate, she was disengaged and blatantly selfish, eventually blaming him for her unfaithful tendencies and lack of interest when he was the only one making an effort. It ended as it began, a complete circumstantial shitshow and because of that, he is on a mission to gain self-confidence back.

Since she kicked him out, he’s been sleeping in the spare room of his good friends’ house for the last couple of months while his new apartment is being renovated. Mark Watney was a single man who knew what that position felt like, and who also knew the beginnings of a solution. The ability to pay women for their undivided attention did wonders for a man’s ego, especially at an exclusive gentlemen’s club rather than a regular strip joint. It is more of a candid transaction that was valued at both ends.

And it is very exclusive. It required a reservation to save a slot since it was so well-known and a general, but hefty, fee at the door as insurance.

He made it sound like the easiest thing in the world, but on the other hand, Chris was so fucking anxious to go that he could vividly feel his blood pumping in overdrive. He’s never, ever attended a place like that before. But as he looked up at the classy, luminescent sign of the building that lit up the dark parking lot, he started to wonder what exactly he’s getting himself into. Just as long as he isn’t awkward, maybe everything will be okay.

Don’t be weird, don’t fuck it up. Simple.

He repeated those words in his head as he was looked over by the heavy before being let in and did everything the lady at the front desk told him to. After that, it was time to be escorted through the big fancy door.

The initial shock passed through him quickly, the smell of perfume, cigars and liquor weren’t as bad as he thought it was going to be. But once he rounded the corner into the main lounge the nerves were back. The wild colours in the dusky lighting gave the atmosphere an alluring feel as he bared witness to scarcely clothed women dancing on stage, at tables with other men and walking around the floor.

He adjusted his ball cap to sit lower on his face and scanned the room for a free seat, suddenly feeling a little overwhelmed and needing to sit down before he either collapsed or backed out entirely. Chris Beck was not good at this.

Could he perform surgery after surgery for 16 hours straight? Yes.

Can he proudly say that he is an award-winning astronaut that helped shape the future of space science? Fuck yeah, he can.

Can he say that he can bed anyone he wants and walk around like he owns the place? No, no he cannot.

The spaceman sat in a vacant booth near the left side of the stage, tucked away in a dark corner to observe as he planned. Yeah, he was good at observing. Watney reassured him before he left, stating that he did specialize in human anatomy and he should do what he does best...observe, evaluate and execute, which helped a bit. A doctor’s point of view was his only saving grace right now, he’d stick to that comfortable method for as long as he can.

Observe.

He found himself zoning in on different interactions that played out as time ticked by. Many lovely women took their turn on stage, very healthy and some men had been taken behind curtains and even thrown out for inappropriate behaviour. He made of a note of that in the back of his mind if there ever came a time. No touching.

He didn’t know how much time had passed since he arrived. There were a few nice girls who came over to talk to him, but he declined any offers they threw his way respectfully and chose to remain where he was instead. Although, just when he thought about turning in for the night, the lights suddenly dimmed until it was almost pitch-black. So dark that he couldn’t even see his hand.

The emcee bordered more background music that rattled his chest through the speakers above the circle booth, it increased slowly and he assumed it was building up to another track. The crowd of regulars and new attendees alike cheered loudly at the change of pace, Chris perked up and clapped along with them even though he had no clue as to what.

      “Ladies, gentlemen and every-damn-one in between, we have a special treat for you tonight.” the man announced heartily.

      He continued as the music came to a peak, then dissipated as he spoke the moniker of the next dancer, “Your house favourite has decided to give you a dance that I think is out of this world...please welcome to the stage, Ares”

The patrons went wild as Chris, on the other hand, went rigid – almost choking on his drink.

As the projected images of deep space filled the room in a flash, a dancer was now on stage walking around in something simple, yet sexy. No one could get enough of her or the choreography, staying for her performances that always seemed to have a different aesthetical essence every time she made an appearance.

The modest man couldn’t stop looking at her, she was the main focus of the room – but for him, the significance was completely different from the others. What were the chances that one of his biggest passions in life could be used as an exotic dance theme, materialized right in front of his eyes?

But when the music started...that’s when things even more interesting.

The song wasn’t one he anticipated, he assumed it would be the same club music that made his eardrums shudder, but this slow beat only made his senses buzz, and not just from the vibrations. He enjoyed the older music his commander played after years of listening to it. So, when he detected the beginning of this underrated 1972 classic by Harry Nilsson, this stripper had his full attention.

Bang, bang, shoot em’ up, destiny Bang, bang, shoot em’ up to the moon Bang, bang, shoot em’ up one, two, three (One, two, three, four)

The woman circled the pole as the song started to wind up, making little gestures to the regulars and letting the music guide her. She hit every deep strum of the guitar by waving her hips from side to side delicately, still holding on to the shiny metal planted at her side.

As the artist started to sing the corresponding words, she spun around the pole. The lights caught the small crystals on her one-piece and somehow, scattered like the night sky on her bare skin. Her hips moved sinfully as her body followed the fluid movements like Saturn’s rings, circulating with the natural orbit of the planet. Or pole in this case.

I wanted to be a spaceman That’s what I wanted to be But now that I am a spaceman Nobody cares about me

Next, with every distinct beat, she put her back to the pole, slid down and arose in one fell swoop. She twirled once, flipping her hair behind her head and rolling her lower body ‘round and around and around and around as the words called out above the hollering. The attention was now drawn to her lower body.

Highlighting her assets as dancers called it.

Hey Mother Earth, won’t ‘cha bring me back down Safely to the sea But ‘round and around and around and around Is all she ever say to me

She melted down on all fours to crawl across the platform, doing the next progressions effortlessly. She laid on her back, arching her body like a tidal wave entranced by the moon, rolling onto her stomach, and using her knees to sweep her torso across the floor until she was up in a kneeling position again.

The way she created a giant slip from her ass to her shoulders gave the perfect view of her behind to the men and women on the left side of the stage, money cascading across her body. It was quick yet elegant.

I wanted to make a good run I wanted to go to the moon I knew that it had to be fun I told ‘em to send me real soon I wanted to be a spaceman That’s what I wanted to be But now that I am a spaceman Nobody cares about me

She repeated similar moves to the first chorus but on her knees this time, feeling up her own body, wiggling her assets playfully at whoever she wanted – connecting with the audience. Chris was captivated by the way she carried her body like that, the slightly distorted music gave a sexy edge to her routine that caused his cock to throb in his jeans. 

In his big doctor brain, he was trying to figure out how someone could be so graceful. Even if he felt ashamed of viewing her so strenuously, he justified it by observing her anatomy like the surgeon he was.

She didn’t wear high heels, opting to be barefoot, and the only extravagant makeup she wore was something that made her body sparkle. Her simple lingerie wasn’t something that stole the show, she just came as herself. The differences help him tell a lot about who she was, the little details sending signals to his genius mind.

Hey Mother Earth, won’t 'cha bring me back down Safely to the sea Around and around and around and around Is just a lot of lunacy (yeah, yeah)

The break in the lyrics gave a sense of anticipation, the echo prepared everyone for the next verse as the song swerved in and out of a muffled tone. Then, she was watching him.

Chris abruptly looked away as the mood changed, his breath hitching as he erratically glanced around before settling on her again. She appeared to be showing off for him now with a smile on her lips. He swallowed thickly as his mouth began to water and dry out at the same time, exchanging aggressive eye contact with the woman that had his undivided attention.

The music got lost in the background noise as they disappeared into their own world, his heart pulsed in his ear and his breath shallowed as everything around them was lost. It was like the earth had stopped spinning, the gravity giving out so the spaceman could feel weightless. There were faint pictures of the cosmos floating across his flushed skin, revealing his lip clamped between his impressively white teeth.

'Round and around and around and around and around (So bring me back down) 'Round and around and around and around and around Safe on the ground

He wasn’t trying to be sensual, Chris chewed his bottom lip when he was either content, uneasy or nervous. And nervous he was. Those eyes said innocence but the rest of him screamed sex fiend who could pound her into another universe if provoked, it definitely piqued her interest.

She never had the pleasure of seeing a person in tune with her like that before, it was refreshing. He looked like he was genuinely enjoying the way her body made him react but on a more personal level, something difficult to accomplish from 15 feet away.

Hey Mother Earth, better bring me back down Safely to the sea But around and around and around and around Is all she ever say to me, yeah

She had to be the one to break the intense eyefuck that was taking place, on both ends, in the middle of her set. Chris sensed the music drift back in, the planet rotating once more and coming back to himself after his mind floated away into endless space amongst many stars filling the void. As the song came to a close, she followed the rest of her routine with similar moves, collecting herself after a mere moment.

Everything was simply...simple.

But there was still so much of the unknown that came with the woman she was, remaining understated in this line of work and feeding a lot of emotion into her life passion. He could feel it.

That is the exact reason why she was a house favourite.

You know, I wanted to be a spaceman That’s what I wanted to be But now that I am a spaceman Nobody cares about me Say hey, you Mother Earth, you better bring me back down I’ve taken just as much as I can But around and around and around and around Is the problem of a spaceman

Evaluate.

That spaceman had a problem alright.

She just took him on a fucking cosmic ride that will be burned into his mind for the foreseeable future. His pants were now painfully tight, pressing his cock close to his body so that every time he moved his tip would be stimulated by his silky briefs. He was being forced to evaluate his current predicament.

He thought about the next step as the projections faded from the room and her along with them, completely vanished by the time the lights dimmed down and back up again.

Chris originally wanted to stay for a while longer to watch some more, not pushing himself to do more than he was prepared for; progress takes time and it depends on the person. He evaluated the options in front of him, either pursue the course that led him to the woman who just blew his mind or, stick with what he had been doing for the past five months – fucking his hand while he rested alone in his bed.

Eventually, after he gave into the disconcerted feeling picking him apart, he went with the familiar option and kept his head down in disappointment at his lack of confidence, sliding out of the booth. He just wanted to go home at this point, maybe he would try again another day. He nearly reached the exit when a security guard abruptly stopped him from leaving, he thought he did something wrong at first but as it turns out, that was far from what was the case.

      “No, you didn’t do anything—you’re being requested by a dancer” the large man chuckled.

Chris looked up at the man that towered over him, questioning the authenticity of the claim. He clapped him on the shoulder.

      “If I were you, man...I would take the dance. She rarely takes requests but offering...one in a million”

The security guard walked him into the back where the exclusive rooms were and into one with a large circular seat, gentle lighting and parlour cabinet full of assorted items. It wasn’t a suffocating space, but he felt like he was running out of oxygen

      “Enjoy the show, man” with that final word, he left Chris alone in the room.

Once the door clicked, he rushed to rub his sweaty palms on his dark jeans and took a shaky breath as he sat down, pulling on the neckband of his sweater. In the meantime, he worked on not being so high strung, the door being behind him didn’t help as he waited for her to come. While the anticipation slowly drove him nuts, he ran the three steps Watney reminded him of in his cloudy mind.

Observe, evaluate and...execute.

Execute.

He was startled at the hands sneaking around his shoulders and lightly down his chest, making him jump in a bit in the big velvet chair. He was too deep in his thoughts to hear the door open behind him or her walking in on his stiff back facing her. Chris heard her soft chuckle behind him and felt the warm air caress his sensitive neck.

      “Easy loverboy” Ares cooed in a low voice.

If it wasn’t before, his heart was racing at lightspeed now. She had such a strong effect on him.

      “...you’re very tense. Did you know that?” she whispered behind his ear.

He shivered at the feeling and slowly nodded, not trusting his stupid mouth to not say something awkward.

      She chuckled again, “You have the prettiest blue eyes...even from a distance”

The woman walked around his seated boy, keeping her hands on him but moving them with her until she was faced with the mystery man from the darkest corner in the lounge. He wasn’t looking at her, but around her, and trying to find somewhere to rest his relentless gaze. It was all in vain though, she trailed her finger along his jaw and under his chin, forcing his eyes to hers.

      “Hmm, there they are—better up close” she bit her lip softly.

He looks so timid, with his big beady eyes and those perfectly pouted lips working in the evilest ways. Chris blushed at the compliment, feeling better about himself already.

Watney might actually be right about this whole excursion after all.

      “I—uh, thank you” he murmured.

Chris cursed himself for already stuttering like a dumbass.

In his defence, she was touching him ever-so-gently and how can he not trip up his words with her looking like a holy goddess. Ironic, given the circumstance. And now, he couldn’t look away.

Especially since her hands travelled upwards to pull his NASA ball cap off, then leaning forward while maintaining that close proximity as she unzipped his sweater, helping him pull it off.

      “We don’t need those” Ares whispered, tossing the garments on the floor.

But there was always some teasing before the actual contact.

As she put distance between their bodies, he was resting almost slack in the chair – legs parted, arms limp at his side and in his lap as soft music began to play. The apple of throat bobbed in his tight throat as she began moving slowly in front of him, full of grace and precision. She was like a supernova, its effortlessly soft edges melting into the black of space as her skin did with her bodysuit. The fact that he was the only one seeing it made the experience that much sweeter, all those feelings coming back from earlier.

He was also able to recognize that she was wearing subtle glitter and rhinestones that temporarily fused to her skin, causing the shine and sparkle of her body on stage.

Once she gave him time to get comfortable, she spread his legs apart and hovered her back over his chest, grinding her ass into his lap. The shampoo and light perfume made his sex twitch as he inhaled it in, trying his best not to give in and touch. He kept his hands on the edges of the chair, his fingers digging into it painfully – he remembered what happened to the other guys, how they got thrown out. Chris just wants to watch, that’s good enough for him.

No touching.

Ares leaned forward slightly, arching her back and hitting his private areas in all the right places, gradually making him break out into a small sweat. The woman rubbed her ass on his lap expertly and before he knew it, she pressed herself against him to lay her head on his shoulder.

       “I hope you know, the way you looked at me...you really know how to get a girl hot and bothered.”

Of course, he blushed again. His face was burning like the sun at this point.

       “I...I was just enjoying it—you are very talented” Chris laughed nervously.

He turned his face slightly, absentmindedly following the heat of her skin until he was fanning her neck, so close...but never touching. He was so, sooo close, but felt so far.

She stood up without warning and slowly turned around, pushing him back into the back of the chair more and watching as he widened eyes dilated further at her forwardness. He’d clearly never had a lap dance so he probably didn’t know about what happened during one. She set her legs on either side of his thighs, effectively straddling him to get on with the real deal. She smoothed her arms around his neck and left them to hang lazily off the back of the chair, never breaking eye contact the entire time.

       “That’s very sweet, I can feel how excited you are...”

As she began to move, their heads fell back simultaneously from the direct friction. Ares righted her head after a second and pressed into his personal space, their noses touching every time she moved up his lower body and back down again. She circled her hips a couple of times and breathed out a sigh, it was nice not giving lap dances to the clingy regulars and giving a man like this her talented movements and motions instead. It was different this time around, the atmosphere was weirdly intimate – he just gave off that energy.

       “Very excited...” Ares added.

Chris shuttered as she rested her entire body weight on his clothed erection at the sentence, now realizing how difficult it was not to touch. Though she picked up on his hesitation and demeanour instantaneously. She stroked all over his arms, chest and stomach for the first time, feeling how cut the guy really was, there were endless muscles. Very practical.

       He gave her a shy smile, “It’s been a long time since I’ve felt this way—to, uh...to have my body behave this way, I mean”

       “Ah, I’m turning you on?...” she asked, leaning in.

Chris didn’t know what to say to that, he’s never been good in these situations and more often than not resorted to the only thing he knows everything about. He’s starting to lose his cool and what happens when he loses his cool?

Well, he is not very smooth.

       “I, um...it’s the body sending signals the corresponding part of the brain...neurons fire commands and simulate the, uh...ohh,” a moan cut off his rambling.

He could feel himself getting closer to his release, something he didn’t want but also desperately wanted at the same time. He was already on edge when he was in the booth, his brain constantly stimulating his sex to the point where his boner couldn’t go away. The way it was being dragged across his pants made him groan even more.

       She giggled, “Has anyone told you that you’re a dork when you’re nervous?”

Chris shook his head, closing his eyes to try and fight off his orgasm until the lap dance was over. He had to swallow most of the breaths that became more and more erratic with every sway of her hips.

The way his skin flushed a dark pink and his breathing picked up confirmed she was doing a good job, but the only thing that threw Ares off was the fact that he was shaking violently, a straining vein on his neck making an impression in his flesh. She was unknowingly pumping his shaft along with his jeans, practically coaxing his seed to just burst out of him.

Chris felt his balls go stiff, cock pulse and tighten right before he lost control. The thing that pushed him to his limit was his balls compressing between his legs when she quickly swivelled her hips. He gripped the arms of the chair and thrust his hips upward, letting out a long mewl and finally giving up on holding back as pleasure took over his ability to think properly. Ares stopped moving while he continued riding out his orgasm that felt too goddamn good, cum seeping out of his boxers and down his thigh.

Once he found a way to maneuver himself back to Earth, he went completely limp in the chair as if he just ran a triathlon when the reality of what just happened hit him. That just happened, he hasn’t cum in his pants since his first year of university, and didn’t have a clue of what to do about it.

Why didn’t he just stay home? He could have avoided this if he just isolated himself in his room like he usually did.

       “Huh...that’s never happened to me before,” she said in a tone he couldn’t quite decipher.

       He glanced away after opening his eyes, still in a daze, “I...um”

For a moment he thought he made her uncomfortable and was getting ready to apologize, possibly leave if she wanted him to. But instead, he tilted his head as the embarrassment on his face was replaced by confusion at her smirk and gentle eyes. She dragged her ass across him once, making him hiss at the sensitivity of his half-hard cock still dripping with arousal.

Usually, she didn’t allow excessive touching and avoided any kind of sexual encounters at work, it wasn’t her thing – but there was something about this one that told her he should be pleased. To be honest, he wasn’t some run-of-the-mill scumbag or pompous prick like the usual attendees are, she’s starting to see he’s a plain, genuine guy. That’s why it took him by surprise when she leaned down and pressed a long kiss on the crease of his throat, sucking on it periodically.

       “...I thought there was no, mhmm, touching” Chris stammered.

Ares held on to the baby hairs at the back of his neck, then ran his soft hair through her fingers as she kissed her way across his face. Their lips brush together as she spoke.

       “Shhhh, let me take care of you...and this” she moved on him again, a mischievous gleam in her eye.

Chris whimpered out a noise of surprise when she finally connected both their lips together, she sucked his bottom one between hers and nipped at it tenderly. She grabbed his hands, placing them on her to encourage him to feel her, to touch her body. He was hesitant with his movements, still diffident even when she slithered her tongue into his soft mouth, twirling and caressing his.

When they disconnected he panted heavily in the shared space, she hummed at his expression, desire. After she climbed off his lap and kneeled in front of him as her hands began to unbuckle his belt and tug at his zipper.

       “Okay, this is happening? Right now?...oh” Chris breathed out.

Everything was happening so fast, he didn’t have time to think about the repercussions of his irresponsible, but tempting actions. His voice of reason was screaming its concern and he couldn’t help but listen to it as he sat there, immobilized while she worked his pants, then cum-soaked briefs down his legs.

       “You really don’t have t—” he groaned throatily as she pumped his shaft.

It was always the dorky guys who have the nicest and fullest cocks she had ever seen without fail – he was no different in that department, a decent length, thickness and fit for her. Ares stroked him until he was fully solid again, admiring the way he turned his hips up at the feeling of her hand around him – at least, if they stopped now, he’d have a good visual to fuel his lewd imagination late at night.

       She quirked a wholesome smile, “We need to clean you up before things get too heated”

Chris would have mentally retracted the concept of using her as ammunition for his masturbation thoughts, but he was too busy with his eyes rolling back at the most damning sight in the universe. She began to lick the cum from where it was on his body, on his cock, all over his thigh and what remained on her fingers; swallowing everything before working him over with her mouth.

       “Jesus Christ...” he growled, reeling in an abrupt lust. He held the back of her head as she sucked him off, “it’ll be over very soon if you don’t get up here”

Even taken aback by his tone, she grinned and gestured at him stand up along with her, encouraging him to pull the bodysuit straps down. Chris kissed along her collarbone faintly, tugging the lingerie down to expose her breasts and gleaming heat to his eyes. He kissed her neck as best he could, not knowing if he was making her feel good in the least but still giving it his best shot.

       “God, you are beautiful...”

Luckily, she moaned at his rumbling words on her skin, relaxing him a little bit.

This was crunch time, they need to do it now. Ares rushed to pull his white t-shirt off, appreciating his abs, pecs and biceps as she pushed him back down on the chair forcefully – he looked like a complete stud but had the sweetest personality ever. She giggled as he squirmed out of his pants and kicked off his shoes so he could be fully naked like her, climbing on him again as he did so.

Chris didn’t want anything binding him while this happened.

       “Do you have a condom?” she mumbled against his lips, kissing him again.

He made an affirming noise, gesturing for her to pick up his pants where his wallet held one in a hidden pocket. He quickly fumbled the leather out and tossed it with his pants to the ground, barely getting the condom out before she snatched it and rolled it down the length of him. She propped herself on her knees, coating him in her growing wetness as she prepared to take him. 

But, he hesitated and held her just above him.

       “Are you...are you sure you want to do this—with me?” Chris asked, his eyes held a sadness that she never wanted to see from him again.

Of course, she wanted to...now more than ever.

To reassure him, she cupped his cheek with her free hand and pressed their foreheads together. The woman revelled in the way his mouth dropped open, eyes becoming hooded and a gasp hitching in the back of his throat as she sunk onto him. Looking deep into his eyes and watching the sadness dissipate into satisfaction. He grasped her waist with one arm as she began to ride him at a steady pace, his cock stretching her.

Chris groaned loudly, choking on his moans every so often when she caressed the right spot. The speed increased as he began to enthusiastically meet her thrusts, causing them to both murmur muffled whines and whimpers into each other’s mouths. One hardy smack of his thighs to her ass pierced their ears when he gave a particularly harsh snap of his body, pulling her down as he kept up with his hard thrusts into her.

       “Fuck, do that again...” she shivered as he fucked her so carefully, making her needier every second.

He had his brows furrowed in concentration, focusing on pleasuring her and tried to forget the doubts he had to live in that moment. This was more than spontaneous sex for him, he was making love to someone – feeling good for once. He has never fucked someone before but, if anything, he was giving her the most carnal, admiration-fueled sex he could.

She bounced faster as he, in turn, bucked into her harder. She was clenching, he was throbbing...it was too much.

       “God, that’s it, just like that,” he grunted, continuing to manually move her slowing hips.

       “Shit, you’re gonna make me cum...” she groaned, “...please tell me you’re close”

Chris nodded fervently, keeping his eyes locked on her for as long as he could. In the final stretch, as her clenching became more prevalent, he kept one arm around her as he trailed his hand down to her clit. Just when started to rub, his fingers caught the nerves underneath and made her cry out.

       “Does that feel good for you? Is it okay?” he asked politely.

Ares sobbed her ‘yes’ in a pitchy tone.

He hugged her tightly against him as everything started to unwind, leaving his pelvis to stimulate her clit. The woman clenched hard around him as she lost her vision, the way her cunt gripped made him speed up his thrusts to continue moving. Her low whine near his ear did him in, his lower body ghosted on a final thrust as he stopped completely – his heaving was muffled by the clenching of his teeth, letting himself tremble in her arms as he filled the condom with his cum.

       After a while of sitting there, Chris broke the silence, “I...I think my time is up”

She laughed at his witty remark, not realizing how much that boosted his mood and tugged at his heart, or how she just single-handedly repaired his self-worth. There was no way to process it, all he knew was he felt amazing, he felt...content.

Ares stood on weak legs, climbing off him and allowing him to dispose of the condom. Chris had a dopey smile on his face as he pulled his pants back on and did the fastenings quickly, she was already back in her bodysuit by that time. He appeared to be lost in deep thought as she handed him his shirt, smirking at him – his skin flushed a soft rose when he finally noticed.

She scoffed.

       “Do I really make you nervous—after that?” she retrieved his sweater and cap off the floor where they were forgotten.

Chris laughed quietly before shifting back to his serious face, smiling somewhat. She wondered why he was there in the first place when he could have women lining up; well, if he wasn’t so humble that is.

       He cleared his throat, “uh...thank you for that by the way. You didn’t have to do what you did...I just” then began rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly. 

         “I’m not good at this stuff, one-time things and strippers—or, I mean exotic dancers, I didn’t mean for that to sound like th—”

To save him from himself, she curled her fingers around his shirt collar and pulled him in, kissing him thoughtfully. Chris cupped the back of her head right away and held her waist as she encompassed the modest stranger with her warmth. He chased her mouth after she broke away from his pursed lips, brows furrowing at his want to keep kissing her.

       “You talk a lot, it’s sweet” she giggled at his actions.

Following that encounter, he felt like a new man. She let him make love to her, or fuck her, whichever it was. He couldn’t get over that woman, she felt authentic in his arms, unlike Beth who felt out of place and made him realize his ex was never meant for him at all.

Chris was walking away, leftover clothes in hand and messy sex hair weathered by her hands, but before he could slip behind the curtain leading back to the lounge, she called out to him. When he turned to face her, she was in a robe and leaning laxly against the wall, just as dishevelled as he was.

       “For the record, I’m not good at this—” she gestured between them, “—either”

He drove home with a smile on his face and satisfaction coursing through him.

Although, he couldn’t shake the nagging feeling of having a mere fling. Not even knowing anything about her while doing something so intimate, something personal to him. He wished he would have asked her real name or her number, so he could thank her properly or even, possibly ask her out.

He had a feeling about her, the attraction was undeniable now.

Perhaps it was a god working some sort of miracle or the planet’s alignment giving him mystical energy, maybe something as simple as luck. But, as he started to get ready for bed that night, a piece of paper fell out of his jeans as he stripped to have a shower.

Curiously, he picked it up and looked it over.

xxx-xxx-xxxx Just because I knew you wouldn’t ask for it. Call me sometime. – Y/N

Maybe he would take her out.

After all, he felt as if they had this connection, even if it was unconventional from any other relationship he had before. One thing he knew for sure was he liked the sound of her name on his tongue, repeating it in front of the mirror and practicing what to say to her...thinking about her until he fell fast asleep.

The spaceman used to have problems, but now?

He has none.

© August 26th, 2018  |  April 20th, 2021 by pepsicup