#how long i've been strugling

[dapper-lil-arts]

So uh. My freelance work here is kind of dying.

I thought i'd keep my long-term followers on the know-how, so i might as well write about my current circumstances here, give y'all an update, so to speak.

So, for several reasons, most of them not even my fault, i've been getting less and less commissions, almost none, actually, and the ones i get are usualy on the cheaper side, which is bad concidering that this is my livelihood, commission money pays my bills, my groceries, and my taxes, and now i sure as hell am strugling to imagine this will sustain me for long. Twitter is a sinking ship ever since elon went over, Specificaly for people like me. I had just broken into 12k followers there, a huge milestone for me, and then i got shadowbanned, and for the last few months i've gotten *nothing*. It's completely dead, i'm stagnated there, all my arts are censored, and there's no way for me to undo it or fix it, and so i've gotten less and less comms out there, which sucks because its the only reason i was even on that stupid site. Here on tumblr, meanwhile, the CEO went on a massive transphobic streak, and a lot of lgbt folk (which composed a lot of my following,) decided to jump ship, and i sure as hell dont blame them, but sadly that's more potential costumers that bailed, and there's no proper website to go to. Anywhere i'd go, i'd be starting from scratch again, which would be utterly disheartening and frustrating, and there no website that is kind to artists, with no algorythim, that also have a messaging system (the latter being ESSENTIAL to the way i do comms) So i'm kind of stuck. I just. have nowhere to go, and nothing to do. And last but not least, my own fault, I've just been drawing and creating what *I* specificaly want, on an hedonistic streak this year. That's why theres so much pony bs on this blog now, and why i was straight up posting poetry a while back, and have written hundreds upon hundreds of fanfiction pages in the last few months; Which, unfortunately, is a terrible business decision if your intent is making money. Which I surely should have prioritized, but in the end, its not up to me, its up to the costumers... So now i'm a bit stuck. I've enjoyed the things ive drawn and written more than anything i've ever done, and yet, i've never been less successful on the actual business side. I'm still considering my venues, my possibilities, but there's not many. Trying to get a job would certainly pull me away from creation, and i'd hate it regardless of what it was, and on another venue, theres no guarantee that going back to furry titties would bring me money.

and that's whats heartbreaking about it too. no matter how much effort i put on my work, theres no guarantee of sucess, so why even spend time trying to craft a masterpiece? why not just follow trends and make a tiktok account or whatever the fuck makes money these days. I'd rather not, frankly. And i wont. Well, that's about it. Thanks for reading this update, that's how my life is goin atm. i'm going to continue doing as i am right now, but yknow... I'm not sure what i should do, if you want to give me suggestions, feel free.

[authorxxxxxx]

Complaints And Wine | Erling Haaland x fem!reader

Summary : You just want to prepare a nice dinner for you and Erling , but your annoying older brother has other palns .

Tw : Nothing , just pure fluff and Jack being an annoying older brother .

This can be read as the second part of Cool Girl or as a stand alone .

Ps. MY LAPTOP DIED AND I HAD TO FINISH WRITING ALL THE IMAGINES FROM MY PHONE 🤬 THIS WAS WAY DIFFERENT IN MY HEAD AND I DO NOT KNOW WHY IT ENDED UP LIKE THIS - I'm just gonna go hide under a rock-

English isn't my first language so if you spot any mistakes please just bare with me .

Enjoy < 3

__________________________________________________________

I strugled to open the main door to my shared apartment with Erling . Today was a special day . It was our 3 year aniversary and I want to make us a nice dinner . I even bought some white wine for the occasion .

Suddenly the main door bursts open and I see my older brother Jack standing infront of me looking looking angry .

" Don't you have a key for your own house ? " Jack asked me and I responded to him with an angry glare .

" Okay , I'll just help you with that . " He said and grabbed some bags .

" First of all where is Erling and what are you doing here ? I gave you a spear key just for emergencies . " You said to your brother who was looking really proud of himself for whatever reason .

" I came here to see you . Can't I just love my little sister ? " Jack asked you with a smile .

" What is going on ? " You finally asked your brother .

"I came here to complain . Erling was talking today in practice about your dinner and I just wanted you to know that you've never made me a dinner before . I'm your brother . Youre supposed to be taking care of me . " Jack said ready for a fight .

" I am sorry but I've prepared a lot of dinners for you in the past . Why are you being so dramatic about it ? " You asked your older brother while taking out of the bag a big bottle of white wine .

" And you've bought wine ? And your holding it infront of me ? Y/N you should be ashamed of yourself . Respect your older brother . " Jack said irronically trying to annoy you .

You started shouting and fighting with each other and you didn't even realise that Erling had entered the kitchen and was wathcing you silently .

" Y/N Grealish I am your older brother and you need to respect me and y- " Your brother said to you , but before he could even complete his sentence you had interupted him .

" Oh stop trying to sound like Thomas Shelby it is awful . " You snapped back at him and with that Erling started laughing .

"In who's side are you on ? " and "How long have you've been standing there ? " Where both heard by the two siblings .

After a few moments of laughing , Erling helped them put the groceries away .

" I still can't believe how you've never prepared me a dinner. And you've brought white wine , like why not red ? " Jack asked you and before you could even answer Erling said : " You've brought white wine ? Why not red ? "

You looked at them both in disbelief and they started laughing .

In the end you all prepared a nice dinner and ended up drinking one glass of white wine.

__________

@unimportantbabymilksharkte

@evarasworld

[melanieph321]

Antony x Reader - Live without me (Part 1)

Request 1:  could you do an anthony with a friends with benefits situation? and it's actually him that falls for reader.

Request 2:  hey, please could you write an antony where he's got a kid with the reader but they've broken up, and he keeps trying to win her back??

I recived these two request at about the same time. I was so excited. I'm making this into a four part story. I hope you'll like it! ⭐️

Enjoy!

You were suppose to go to nursing school and Antony was suppose to...well he wasn't suppose to do much. You went to the same school's but he grew up in a world very different from yours. The only reason why you two met was because your friend had dragged you to one of those parties, the really wild once that ony happened in the neighborhoods where people like Antony lived, people from the favelas.

"It's our last summer before you're off to nursing school please come to this party with me." Your friend insisted.

"But it's in the favelas." You protested. There was no way your dad would let you go.

"It will be fun. What can go wrong?"

You wouldn't call meeting Antony as somthing wrong. He was cocky but you like the blunt attention he gave you. He kept calling you his "good girl" because he knew how it annoyed you.

"A good girl you say? How many good girls would do this?"

It was just the two of you. He had led you away from the party to go wandering the beach. You'll never forget the look on his face when you pulled your top over your head and jumped out of your shorts. He looked even more impressed when you ran to the water, kicking off your shoes before jumping in. Once the slight shock weared off he didn't take long to join you.

That was a fun night, the two of you, skinny dipping in the night. You started seeing each other that summer and things moved pretty fast. The way he would fuck you made you wonder how many girls he had been with before you. You didn't think about it too much though, you were too busy sneaking around town to find a place where you two could be alone. It was usually at his brother's apartment, he worked days so he was usually asleep when you came over. Antony and you would lock yourself in his room and do God knows what to each other, keeping at it for hours. He was your forbidden fruit. Friends with benefits he preferred to call it, that is, until the day you got pregnant, that's when things changed.

"What do you mean your pregnant?" He shouted. You were at his brother's apartment, breaking the news to him with a flood of tears running down your cheeks.

"Do you need me to spell it out for you?" You cried. "There is a baby in my stomach."

He frowned. "Well are you keeping it."

"Of course I am." You said. Your parents raised you to be fairly religious, a child was never a mistake, although this felt more or less like a huge mistake. This would ruin your life, no nursing school, meaning no job or degree. And your parents would most certainly kick you out of their house for being so irresponsible.

"Can I stay here?" You asked, looking to Antony who still strugled to take in what you've just told him.

"I...I don't know?" He stuttured. "I'd have to ask my brother."

"Well can you ask him soon. My parents won't let me come home." You buried your face in your hands, hiding your tears. Antony let you cry out for a while as the two of you sat on his bed, then he said something that felt like a flick of light in a very dark tunnel.

"I am the father, no?"

"Of course you are." You looked up from your hands. "I've never been with anyone else."

He nodded his head. "I'll ask my brother if you can stay here with me, don't worry."

It wasn't much, but it was something. It was most definitely the start of a knew life for both of you. A year later you'd be introduced to your son, Lorenzo. Four years later you would move away from Antony's brother's apprement to go live closer to the city. And your relationship with Antony was eventually put on a string.

[onlyonetifosi]

I belong with you

-> What happens if he sees his schoold best friend again?

-> Word Count: 965

->Author note: my first fic I hope you like it <3 English is not my first language so sorry for mistakes

Daniel Ricciardo, F1 driver, was strugling with himself. He knew that he was in love with his best friend,

He had actually kept these feelings inside himself for many years. Now Daniel had to make a decision, to tell you or not.

He decided to go for a walk in Perth, your home place, one of the most beautiful cities in the world, at least for him.

Daniel lived in Monaco, and he spent most of the time there, but he was in Perth for the weekend in summer break.

He was in the park you always went in your teen years and spent hours laughing and been 2 best friends idiots. He was lot in his toughts when something or someone broke them.

"Daniel, how are you? It is a long time I haven't seen you around here."- You told him when he sat in the bench you were.

"Ah, I've been very busy, you know, races. I came back a little to get used to the time change," Daniel told him.

"That sounds hard. But congratulations on crossing the wins record of Formula 1. It is a hard job but it is the one you love, the one you have been training for. It is just that can keep the rest of us in good terms, huh?"-you said, putting a lighthearted smile on his face.

It had been a long time you didn't see your old friend, but it did not felt like it. It felt like you kept talking like it was yesterday you did something and laughed at it.

"How have you been? What are you doing?"Daniel asked you.

"I have been great, I'm working in my mum's company. And what about you? How have you been? I missed you Dan." You told him, laughing at the memories and pictures of when you were younger and ran away from home to go with your dad to see Danny karting and to some of his european competitions . Daniel also laughed and told you about his latest races. When you guy's had been talking for a few hours you looked at the time and saw that it was really late. "I have to go, I'm sorry Dan." You said as you gave him a hug goodbye and left towards your house.

When you arrived, you threw yoursel in your bed and remember all your memories together.

-Fuck, I'm in love with him- you realised but told yourself to stop thinking of him. You tried to sleep but found yourself thinking about him all night long, so you decided to get up and text Daniel. You started with a "Hey Dan, I miss our talks today."

He replied back almost immediately and you guys talked for a few hours until you finally fell asleep. You had been best friends since you were kids and always stuck together. Daniel had always secretly been in love with you, but never said anything as he didn't want to ruin your friendship. But now, things were different. You had both grown up and things had changed between you. There was now a spark of something more and Daniel knew that he couldn't ignore his feelings any longer. He loved you and wanted to be with you, but was scared of what might happen if he told you. Would things change between you? Would you still be friends? Daniel didn't know what to do, but he knew that he had to tell you how he felt. He was scared, but it was time to take the plunge and tell you the truth.

He finally decided that it was better to tell you how he felt and risk everything, rather than living with the regret of never having told you. st places in the world to think. As he walked along the beach, he thought about how everything started between you two.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The following day he told you to come over to his house, where you had been so many times inyour childhood.

-Come with me- You were hesitant but you nodded and followed him over to the side of the room.

"What's up?" you asked. Daniel took a deep breath, steeling himself for what he was about to say. "I need to tell you something," he began. "And I'm really scared about it."

You could see the fear in his eyes and you instantly knew what he was going to say. You had always known that Daniel had feelings for you, but you never said anything as you didn't want to ruin your friendship. But now, things were different. You had both grown up and things had changed between you. There was now a spark of something more and you knew that you couldn't ignore your feelings any longer.

You loved Daniel and wanted to be with him, but were scared of what might happen if you told him. Would things change between you? Would you still be friends? You didn't know what to do, but you knew that you had to tell Daniel how you felt.

You were scared, but it was time to take the plunge and tell him the truth. "I love you, Daniel," you blurted out. "I'm in love with you." Daniel's eyes widened in shock as he stared at you. He hadn't expected you to say those words, but they were exactly what he had wanted to hear. He quickly wrapped his arms around you and pulled you into a hug. "I love you too," he whispered into your ear. "I've been in love with you for so long." friends since you were kids and always stuck together. Daniel had always secretly been in love with you, but never said anything as he didn't want to ruin your friendship.

"Baby i belong with you"

[knockyasocksoff2022]

Dizzy | Fyolai

(A/N: sorry if this isn't very good. I have been strugling with writig motavation but felt abd that it's been so long since I've last written and posted anything BSD related. As I have mentioned before I'm new to BSD so I'm that familar with Decay of Angels but Fyolai are just so cute that I wanted to write something for them. Sorry if they're out of character or is the setting is weird. Also I may change the title if I think of a better one, I also may edit/improve this but for now here you go.)

~~~

Nikolai P.O.V

I skip down the hallway towards the main room to find Fyodor. We don’t have any work that needs our immediate attention today (I say this because Fyodor says there’s always work to be done) but I haven’t seen Fyodor since I woke up and went to go bird watching and  bother the Armed detective agency. 

He’s probably working, I really wish he would rest some.

-

Not much to my surprise Fyodor is sitting at one of the tables on his laptop. Just seeing him puts a smile on my face and I hurry over to him.

He doesn’t look up. I frown. A few seconds later, still nothing.

I wave my hand in his face, He blinks slowly.

“Dance with me, Fedya!” I say twirling again.

He gives the faintest of smiles, and shakes his head gently, “Kolya, I really shouldn’t be standing right now.”

I pout. “Oh, Fedya, ever the workaholic! You can take a break for a few minutes. Your work won’t grow legs and run away.”  His expression changes, I can see he wants to indulge me, so why doesn’t he? 

His frown deepens. “No-” I cut him off before he can protest about not falling behind.

“Wheee!!!” I giggle as we spin together.

Suddenly Fyodor feels heavier. He groans, “Niko . . . . .” My name is on his lips but the sound disappears and he crumples in my arms. My heart stops, what’s happened to him?!

Before I can start screaming he blinks his eyes open and relief restarts my heart, lifting the heavy feeling from my stomach. Of course, he fainted. This happens fairly frequently. I should be calm, and yet he looks so fragile and sickly. I take a deep breath, a scream still rising in my throat.

“Fyodor!” Frantic, I place my hand over my lover’s forehead. He’s warm. “You’re burning up!”

“Do calm down Kolya. I am fine.” He says it casually as if he hadn’t just collapsed in my arms.

“You fainted!” I urge him to see the severity of the situation.

“Yes, I did.” he confirms, still sounding like this is hardly an unusual occurrence. 

“You have a temperature.” I plead still hoping to impart upon him the seriousness of this situation.

“Yes, I am aware. And worry not, I am not contagious either.” He sounds like he’s reassuring me. It’s frustrating how he doesn't see the danger of him just fainting out of nowhere.

I don’t understand. If he’s not ill then why does he have a fever? “Well, then what–”

He shakes his head again, “My body is weak, for reasons unknown even to me, I run low-grade temperatures occasionally. I am not ill but these ‘fevers’  increase my already plentiful dizziness, and affect my spatial awareness. They also tend to leave me fatigued.” He explains his condition gently, leaning into me for support. I feel immediately guilty. He was suffering and I was too preoccupied to see it.

“Oh, Fedya, I’m sorry.”

He smiles, it isn’t a big smile but it’s for real this time. “It’s alright, you did not know. Now if you could please help me sit down again.”

I’m smiling again. “I’ll do better for my Fedya.” I say picking up the ravenette, “Let’s go home. You can sleep, I'll be right there.”

He nods and closes his eyes snuggling closer to me, I tighten my hold on him and begin walking back to our room. Fyodor is already asleep.

(A/N: Today I'm starting the soukoku glasses AU I've been procrastinating on for sooo long so pls wish me luck!)

[halleymacleod666]

My Insecurities:

ugly side profile, especially when I smile or laugh. I look like a fucking witch i fucking hate myself. People born with those perfect little noses don't know the strugle. I cry how ugly it is every time I see it. My biggest insecurity since elementary school because kids are fucking mean.

My boobs, cause one is bigger than the other. Not just a slight difference either, one is an A cub the other a B cup, I was born with it. I used to stuff my bra with socks from 12 years old to 19 years old. I stopped like a year ago. But yeah I'm still very insecure about it, my boyfriend says he's okay with it and that my boobs are perfect but like he does point it out a lot and makes jokes and that just makes me feel like absolute shit.

My upper arms. They have always been the fattest part of my body and I hate them, like when I put my arms up you can see the fat handing off them. I haven't worn short sleeves for the longest time. Probably 3/4 years i spent in long sleeves even during summer. I started wearing short sleeves this summer bc my arms look a bit better but I can still only wear very specific tops that make my arms look less big.

My thighs. This is actually a more recent insecurity. My ex-friend that uses to have an ed (probably still does) used to always complain about her thighs and I didn't get it bc I thought she looked great. Anyway, since I started really deeply analysing my body recently and started working out i really noticed how fat my thighs are when I used to not mind them at all now I wanna cut off the fucking fat so yey new insecurity. ALSO THE FUCKING CELLULITE EW.😭

Butt. This ties into the thigh thing. I also didn't notice it much before just like the thighs i thought it looked okay. It fucking does not it's like too square idk how to explain it but it looks bad and this is something I started being really concious about because I think my boyfriend is more of an ass guy and he's been saying how I should work out to grow and tone my butt so yeah...

Rib cage. It's kinda too wide and one side of my rib cage sticks out more (i think that's because of scoliosis) and that really bothers me because it makes me look bigger and that rib cage that sticks out more just looks so bad idk.

Wide shoulders. They make me look wider and kinda like a man i fucking hate them. They look alright when I stand straight but I hate standing/sitting straight bc I think it makes my arms and chest look bigger, also the scoliosis makes it harder to stand straight and when my back is relaxed the shoulders lean to the right side quite a lot so that looks bad too so I can't fucking win.

I think that's all idk myb I forgot something. I fucking hate myself. When I look at thinspo pictures the worst part is that I know I'm never gonna look exactly like I want to because of my fucking side profile and the ribs and the uneven boobs.

I just don't know what to do anymore, I'm miserable, I've been trying and failing and trying and failing and trying again and again. I'm doing my best not to go buy food and binge today but I'm so god damn tired of everything. I wanna be pretty already. I want to fucking finally be good enough, pretty enough, skinny enough.... just wanna be enough and I'm starting to think that's never gonna happen.

I genuinely hate naturally pretty people, at this point it isn't even jealousy anymore. All the pretty girls in my classes always seemed to get everything they wanted and were always so effortlesly skinny and perfect and everyone liked them and no one bullied them and people wanted to be around them and guys wanted to be with them just because they are fucking pretty.

[musicfromtheceiling]

I've been trying for months to find a photoshop brush that imitates watercolour, but i just can't find one that blends and textures the way trad watercolour does. If you've been following me on social media, you might know how i'm strugling to find a colour style that suits my lineart and doesn't take too long as i really dislike sitting in front on photoshop. I've been furstrated with photoshop and colours for so long now!

But then i though, why am i so attached to photoshop? i've been doing my lineart with trad ink and i love it, why should i stuck to photoshop for colours ? The truth is i've been doing that since i got my first tablet in like 2005, leaving watercolours and inks behind for the confort of ctl+z. I totaly forgot it was an option, i'm such an idiot!

Anyway, I found a watercolour set in the street a few years ago and decided to try it on a simple doodle and i had a lot of fun, i love the way it looks with my lineart even if i have a lot of progress to do, i might ditch photoshop for a while, it makes me happy but i am also such an idiot!

I've made some videos on my insta highlights for this illustration if you want to take a look

https://www.instagram.com/lvtoro.draws/

[efoxkitty]

As a late celebration for 50 followers, have my favourite fight from the arrangedmarriage!AU featuring merman!Jimmy and avian!Joey.

https://efoxkitty.tumblr.com/post/660758520511315968/lovers-of-cursed-aus-and-normal-aus-alike-i

Context: Jimmy had moved in with Joey in preparation for the married life. Going along with the arrangement means that Lizzie will ban trade with the lost kingdom. Breaking it off would mean the ocean empire is free to declare a war. Joey is literally stuck between a rock and hard place and tensions are high.

(...)

"Go on, play martyr for someone who has nothing to lose by killing innocent lives. I'm sure they'll all thank you." The avian scoffs.

"At least I'm trying to avoid war, unlike a certain someone." The blonde mumbles under his breath.

But Joey had heard that. "Oh I'm so sorry this is so terrible for you! The only reason I'm going throught with this deal is to save my kingdom, but if you want me to be the bad guy so badly, I'll gladly oblidge." he starts walking away, clearly done with the conversation.

"If you insist on making this marriage terrible, then be my guest." Jimmy yells at the retrearing back.

He sees the way the king tenses and then he turns around with a sweet smile plasted on his face. "Be your guest?" he repeats in a mocking tone and his green eyes shine with hate. "If I ever stepped into your kingdom, I would have been murdered on sight."

"I'm sure I could talk to Lizzie-"

"Ah, of course. The darling brother" The avian glares, as he slowly approaches the merman "How could I have forgotten?"

"You're horrible!"

"And you're weak. The only reason you're even alive is your sister. You're an overgrown cry baby and they expect me to marry you." he shakes his head "How much has my kingdom fallen from grace."

"I've tried being civil about this, but I won't let you insult me and my family!"

"What are you gonna do about it? Cry?"

"I'll beat you down in a sword duel and force you to apologize."

"You? Don't make me laugh. I could beat you with only one hand."

"So confident for someone with no real power" Jimmy shots back angrily, before the emperor pins him to a wall, hand on his throath.

"What now baby~" he says in a dark tone filled with so much poison "Going to cry for help? Tell on me to your big sister? Use all of your political power to take me down?" he mocks as he lifts him up. "Come on, suprise me fish boy."

Jimmy strugles against the hold, eyes blurring with the jaguar pattern he sees all over the walls, as he tries to pry the hands away.

"What's wrong? Cat got your tongue." Joey jokes and Jimmy can tell he's proud of that one. Or at least he thinks, with the way Joey laughs after "God, you're so stupid. Now you look like a dumb fish too." the brunette releases his hold and Jimmy slumps down the wall.

"If you kill me, Lizzie will make sure you regret it!" He coughs out, as he stares up at the king.

At the threath, Joey smiles, showing his fangs, as he leans closer. "In that case, she's more then welcome to try."

[galaxa-maiden]

Mammon versus Basic Time Calculation

[Somewhere in the House of Lamentation's hall] Seiun: *Carrying stacks of cat bowls with treats in them, going to Satan's room.* ... ? [Looks up at the ceiling after hearing some small creaks, seeing a tied up Mammon, hanging there like a big salami.] Mammon: Oh hey, Seiun.

Seiun: H-hello, Mr. Mammon. *Looks around before looking back up at him* What happened?

Mammon: I uh, ya know, Lucifer caught me borrowing somethin' out of his office.

Seiun: Which was?

Mammon: Ehh..., a-ain't matter! He caught me and now I'm stuck up there!

Seiun: How long are you going to be hanging like that?

Mammon: At what time is lunch? *strugled a bit due to the discomfort of the ropes*

Seiun: In about 30 minutes, so at quater past twelve is lunch time.

Mammon: ...

Seiun: A quater past twelve is twelve-fifteen.

Mammon: I know that! I'm just tryin' to think of how long I've been up there!

Seiun: Let's see... The last time I saw you was at around 10 o' clock in the morning when I was delivering a package to Mr. Asmodeus' room. Then I saw you casually walking, like someone trying not to be suspicious of something at 10:30. I later on overheard Mr. Satan talking about you getting caught by Lucifer at 10:55 and I didn not notice you for the time being until now at 11:43. Mr. Lucifer doesn't take a break from his work at 9:30 until at around 11:00 to fill up his coffee, presumably he took this particular time to hang you up for a few seconds and left you hanging there for about 40 minutes.

Mammon: ... It's uh, kind of creepy of how observant you are, Seiun.

Seiun: Mr. Mammon, it's part of my tasks to be observant in my surroundings and noting down every important information for future purposes. For instance, releasing you in 5 minutes before hand so you would be able to arrive lunch on time. We are having Japanese styled gravy curry with Rice cake noodles this afternoon.

Mammon: Ah yea, thanks.

Seiun: You're welcome. I will let Mr. Lucifer know to release you five minutes before lunch. .

.

.

[A/N: It's my Birthday! Hoooray!! Just wanted to let you know that ya girl's birthday is today on the Jan. 4th! WOOOOOOO!! *pops confetti crackers and screms in old woman victory*]

[honeybee-babe]

cw for ed-ish stuff so feel free to skip if you aren't in the right place of mind to deal with that: I've been really strugling with binging urges lately and I was wondering if you could share some Luther hcs or other thoughts you've had about him and food stuff? How do you think it would go if one of the others walked in on him binging (someone who's sympathic about it)?

TW: Eating disorders and body dysmorphia, mentions of sexual assault

oof i’ve let this sit here for far too long. soz! been busy af. :( 

First off, I hope things have gotten better for yoU!! I have been in a similar boat lately literally binging and restricting for weeks on end. It’s getting better but it really is hard to break these cycles, it requires a lot of strength. But you are strong enough and i know you can get through it

ANYWAY:

HCs and Thoughts on Luther’s ED (this got very wordy/rambly):

tbh i see luther as a comfort eater, esp. bc he ate those 10 hot dogs when he was sad and feeling sorry for himself. yes finding out that reginald was lying to him was awful and truly traumatic but people without already disordered eating don’t just up and eat 10 hotdogs when they’re sad. that is an extreme binge for someone at any size, plus he seemed ashamed of it when allison brought it up: AND not to mention the only other thing we ever see him eat post-change is a weird nutritional pouch and eventually alcohol.

on the moon, Luther must have eaten in rations and definitely would have been counting calories. Plus with the nutritional pouch thing we can assume he is restricting when back on earth and the hotdogs were a binge, therefore Luther is a binge/restricter.

EVEN in the flashback to before the serum we see him eating way too little for his size (way too little for his size before the change, mind you). He eats a single bowl of cereal without any juice or anything to wash it down, which is just not an adequate breakfast for Tom Hopper’s Actual Body(TM), especially if he was going to train later that day. And then after this sad breakfast he drinks a ton of milk. IDK if this is a stretch but that in itself is kind of disordered; the milk was definitely a comfort food for him which indicates that he is an emotional eater (IE extra calories because he feels lonely), a predisposition to disordered eating before the serum. He clearly prefers to get most of his calories from liquids, which continues and gets worse after the change.

I imagine Reginald was particularly strict with him about food. Since his power was physical strength, Reginald probably gave him a strict diet and exercise routine. Counting macros and calories, etc. Going under or over his limit was probably a huge, HUGE fucking deal. And maintaining perfect body image as the big, strong #1 was definitely a giant deal to Reginald bc Luther had to look intimidating. That, along with the pressure to be perfect, is a recipe for anorexia or bulimia. Luther definitely is the type to take corrective measures: binging and then following it with purging or restricting, or intense exercise.

Additionally, with the smiley-faced foods, I imagine the kids were taught to see Grace’s food as comfort. I see Grace giving them treats to make them feel better when Reginald was a dick. These good intentions definitely could have convinced Luther that food was comfort and nurturing but something Reginald wouldn’t allow him to have. So the overwhelming urge to eat and eat and eat (BINGE) when he is very upset, followed by an urge to restrict.

And definitely a deep, deep shame about all of this. If anyone found out, Luther would be crushed.

Literally the stereotype for someone with an eating disorder is someone who feels they lack control over their life trying to overcompensate by controlling their food intake. And someone who is striving to be perfect either because someone has told them they have to be (*COUGH*Reginald) or convinced them that they will never be good enough unless they are (*COUGH*Also Reginald). Luther embodies this mentality; he wants to be perfect for Reginald, but Reginald has set Luther up to hate himself because he can never be perfect (perfection is a myth), and also Luther has literally no control over his life because Reginald controls everything. It is thought that many young teenagers develop eating disorders because they are afraid of the changes their bodies experience during puberty, the underlying problem being that they are afraid of growing up; Luther literally still lives at home and is absolutely afraid of growing up.

Ape body obviously makes things 100000x worse. And we see in the show that his poor eating habits (small bowl of cereal and relying on milk for liquid calories/comfort food) have gotten even worse (liquid calories in packages clearly restricted until a MASSIVE binge on hotdogs)

MIGHT I ADD: Sexual assault survivors are much more likely to experience disordered eating because the lack of control over what happened to them and the hatred of the body that has been “tainted” or reminds them of being assaulted..... Luther’s consent over his body was clearly taken away during the ape-body operation.

Thoughts on Someone Walking in on him Binging:

This is real tough. I feel like Allison isn’t really aware of it due to her reaction to him eating 10 hotdogs and not saying anything about it. IDC if he is big, 10 hotdogs is abnormal especially given how little he used to eat, and the fact that he currently only eats those weird fucking packages. I feel like, loving as she is, she wouldn’t really understand it. I feel like Allison has a really healthy relationship with food, probably the healthiest out of all of them. She is the most well-balanced sibling I think. But once she realized it was a problem she would do a ton of research into BED/Bulimia/EDNOS or whatever Luther has and become an expert and advocate, as well as helping him in recovery.

Same with Diego but I feel like he would probably joke about it and then after Luther either told him to fuck off or hide the evidnece, he would realize it was a serious problem but not want to apologize or know what to do. I feel like he’d be concerned but not want to express it, so he’d tell Klaus about it and make him bring it up. After Luther entered into recovery Diego would keep updated through Klaus but not express concern to Luther himself. 

Five... oof I feel like Five would just be like “yup thats how i ate during the apocalypse” and not really understand? Like i don’t think he’s evil but he would probably not find it very serious. Once he found out (if he ever did) that it was serious, I feel like he’d be accomodating (checking in if Luther ate his dinner, if he snuck food out of the pantry etc.) but not particularly warm or comforting.

TBH I see Klaus and Vanya being the most understanding Vanya would definitely understand the urge to make yourself seem as small/insignificant as possible, and Klaus obviously understands mental health issues and addiction (ED is an addiction!) 

Klaus might not realize what was going on at first and make a joke, but i think he’d realize real soon bc he understands unhealthy coping. he would probably joke around with him still in the same way that he jokes about his own addictions, but i feel like he would be very comforting, like solidarity yknow? Maybe he would make a pact with him that they would recover from their addictions together.

I feel like Vanya would just be super supportive and quietly soothing. Like if Luther got uncomfortable she would use a rlly soft caring voice. this is sappy but i feel like if Luther was ever to talk openly to a sibling or cry in front of one of them about his body issues, it would be Vanya.

OKAY THAT WAS WAY TOO LONG OF A RESPONSE AND I HAVE TO GET BACK TO WORK.

NIGHT NIGHT!!

[detafo]

Hello.🙂

For the ask game: 🌴, 🏡, 🐊 and 🧞‍♂️?

Wow! The actual author in my inbox! I'm blessed! (I'm assuming f/o means 'fandom other', because my brain is absolute mush after a hella long-feeling week… if I'm wrong, let me know. So my fandom partner is gonna be John Watson (and by extension, Sherlock Holmes) from BBC's Sherlock, because I am a fandom whore.

(also, aside… my laptop is being particularly bitchy and I've tried to write this out twice on the ask box, but it kept restting, so I'm written all this in notepad and copy/pasted, so sorry for any and all spelling/grammar mistakes!)

🌴What if you and your f/o were stranded on a desert island? How would your f/o react? Would they start to panic, or stay calm and try to figure out what to do? What´s about you? Being an ex-military doctor, I think John would be surprised at first, but he'd stay pretty calm and start to figure out what to do. He doesn't seem to get flustered often unless Sherlock is in trouble or if he's been captured. As for me, if it's an island, that means there's the ocean, so I'd be happy dipping my toes and doing whatever John needed me to do to get the camp set up… lol.

🏡What if the two of you could buy/build your absolute dream home? What would it be like? Also, where exactly would you live? Please describe. I, personally would love to live in a replica of the Owens house from Practical Magic, with seemingly infinite rooms and nooks and crannies, and a big yard with a garden and such. Somewhere in the country. John is a simple sort of fella, and he loves London, so I'd assume that it would end up being a nice apartment in London… which I'm also okay with (way less to clean, if I'm perfectly honest!)

🐊What if the two of you could own whichever animal you want as a pet (even if it´s a very dangerous one)? What kind of animal would your f/o most likely choose? What´s about you? I love cats, so it would be cats of any shape and size, including but not limited to big cats, wild cats, domestic cats and the like. I am unapologetically a crazy cat lady… John, I'm not sure about. I've never gotten a big 'animal' feel from him, but if not cats, probably a retired military or police dog? I dunno…

🧞‍♂️What ifyou had three wishes for your relationship? What would they be?

Being flush with cash, so that we didn't have to work unless we absolutely wanted to.

That we would be able to have fun… I don't mind if he goes and has time with Sherlock lol… We all have needs! (and if his needs include being with that tall drink of water, I ain't gonna deny him!)

To be really and truly happy. Like, obviously there will be bad days, but John strugles with depression and so do I… I'd like to free us both of that particalar burden, you feel me?

[blueberry-suggestions]

Hey, Blue! I just wanted to stop by and say something. I've been strugling with depression and anxiety for several years, and I'm just now figuring out a way to deal with it, like, it's been so long sense I had a real depression drag, and my anxiety has been a lot better. I'm just really happy and proud with myself because, wtf, it took me 4 years to figure it out, but I'm finally going to experience a semi healthy wellness now!! I never really thought I could get this far!!! DETERMINATION!!YAY!

I’m glad you found a way to cope with your depression!! One day, you’ll learn how important you really are!! Stay in there, and stay DETERMINED!!!

[youregonnasurvivethis]

I've been strugling with hard problems all my life, since the childhood, since I remember myself as a person.I had some issues with eating and anxiety, but I never ever saw myself as a depressive person.I always liked to think of me as a badass girl who never cares too much about anything...But recently I found myself looking for some medicines. I was going to take them all at once. I had my first emotional breakdown, crying the shit out of me in the bathroom floor.What do I do now?Any tips? -L

This message hit me hard. This message completely and entirely just felt like something I’d wrote two years ago. Let me tell you, I’ve got one heck of a story to tell you.

I used to think I was on top of it all, words never hurt and I was so distant from everything and eveyone it was as if no one could touch me. I was never sad I was never exactly happy either but as long as I wasn’t sad you know? There’s a word for that you know? Experiencing stuff but without the emotions ruining it. Disassociating, and it’s not a good thing. When you come back down to earth all of a sudden everything you were avoiding hits you like a kick in the teeth and you’re left sad and empty. Sometimes you can just immediately go back to disassociating; like your living but you’re not really, and other times you get stuck in this cycle of sadness and find yourself contemplating if it’s all worth it if you’re just gonna go through life avoiding the idea of emotion.

Let me tell you there is absolutely a reason to push through it. And I’m not gonna sugar coat things, I’m gonna tell you straight up, it took me a good year to get to the point where pill bottles were meant for actually combating illnesses rather than being a way out.

I started journaling, writing down how I felt was a way to describe my emotions and eventually I didn’t need to disassociate anymore because I eased myself back into the idea by processing them in my journal entries.

I told my parents about how I was feeling and asked if I could go to a therapist, which did happen. It is probably one of the biggest reasons I’m here and happy with my life. They put me on a low dose of anxiety meds and taught me that instead of keeping everything all wound up and hidden it was better to write it down and vent it. I didn’t have to talk, I could just write it and it helped just the same.

Slowly I started to feel like a person again, and I allowed myself to feel sad and be hurt but most importantly I learned to feel happy again. It wasn’t easy and a lot of times I wished I’d of given up, but right now as it stands I realize that living through life just unintentionally slipping every issue I had under the bed and just pretending the mess was gone was the worst way to live.

My advice from this story?

Talk, talk till you can’t talk anymore. Tell anyone you trust about how and what hurts.

Write it too. Write it down as many times as you want, get it out. Scribble, draw, make the emotions into something you understand and process it.

Feel, don’t be the big bad wolf, there’s no need to walk around with an emotion-proof set of armor. You’re allowed to feel sad and hurt and happy and angry, they’re normal and your brain should be allowed to learn to deal with them.

Most importantly, stay. You have a lot of potential to be seen. I know you can push through all this.

If you need to talk you know where I’ll be,

Bird