#how much of this is a child's attempt to make sense of a cruel world that they've been thrust into?

[jankillbride]

[ID: greyscale digital painting of a child version of Killy sitting on a ledge before an open door/portal way. He is wearing a schoolboy’s uniform with a hat. Behind him in the opening is a set of stairs leading away to a far distance, with statues positioned on the sides of the staircase. The opening is heavily shadowed. The ledge that Killy is sitting on is brick and in the lower right hand corner, there is a dark opening. Killy’s shadow on the bricks is also inconsistent. The background of the painting is grey with slight variations in color, done in vertical strokes. On the right, there is some exposed brick and there are some horizontal and vertical strips of grey gradients. There is an irregular shape that has the same gradient shading on the right, near the opening. End ID]

when the academy is noise >>>. click/open in new tab to see all the textures.

here’s a close up of killy’s face because you can’t super see it well in the full image.

oh and here’s a bonus image from a while ago:

[ID: digital sketch of a young Killy. He is standing, hands clenched at his sides, and looking off to the side with a disgruntled expression on. He is wearing a schoolboy’s uniform and a hat. End ID]

[kazumist]

EPISODE 10 ✦ I'LL ALWAYS BE HERE

LOVE, MAYBE — A CHILDE SMAU

masterlist / prev ep / next ep / wc: 442.

“what are you doing here?”

“i should be asking you the same thing.” he chuckles. a poor attempt to lighten the mood honestly—but it still somehow helped. “i-it’s nothing. i just wanted some fresh air.” you replied. your clogged nose makes your voice sound different than usual. “are you okay?” he asks again. it’s almost there—the urge to say no, i’m not. i’m exhausted. it’s really there. 

“i’m fine.” you said, avoiding his gaze.

“fine is what you say when you can’t think of anything better to say.”

you looked up to meet his eyes, childe could notice a million of things already—your eyebags, that seem even darker now, the slight redness in your eyes that makes it visible that you’ve been crying (a fact you can’t even bother to try denying now) and so on. and childe feels his chest tighten at the sight of your state.

swiftly shifting your gaze onto something else, you saw childe take a step forward. and another. and then another. before you knew it, he was right in front of you. you heard the sound of the plastic bag he was holding fall to the ground. and then the warm feeling of his embrace engulfed you.

with your face meeting nearly his shoulder, you feel a hand gently pat your head as childe’s scent takes over your senses. the scent of his fabric conditioner was comforting but you could also sense a hint of… caramel. or something like that. you really needed this, as much as you didn’t want to admit it. but (name), the ever so hardworking student, just needed a simple hug. and you got it (although from the person you least expected, but that doesn’t matter at the moment).

“what are you doing?” your voice is muffled a bit. childe still hasn’t let go of you. “hugging you, obviously. you looked like you needed it.” he says, his hand still on your head but now he’s gently caressing your hair. “did i look that sad to you?”

he sighs. “honestly? yeah. want to talk about it? it’s better to open up to a stranger, they say.”

“not really, and who even said that?”

“no idea,” he chuckles.

maybe it’s because you can’t see each other’s expressions right now or maybe it’s because of everything that has happened so far after you left but… for once, you felt at peace. yet childe couldn’t help but think, just how could the world be cruel to a gentle soul like you?

“i’ll always be here.” he mumbles.

and just for tonight, you decided that maybe it’s fine to give in at least a little bit.

taglist (open): @xianyoon @blue-b3rries @kizakiss @kissingkzuha @aethion @phtogravi @ell1e2010 @esthelily @b4tm4nn @hcmay @ivvieene @morganadorodo @kaitfae @kentply @scaranthropy @kyon-cherri @kookiibun @kochothehoe @mekiiiii @ibyobi @iuspired @tetsuskei @kunikuzushis-darling @morgyyyyyyy @chluuvr @scaradooche @kissmiere @a1-ic3 @bubblegum-angelquartz @tiredjxnna @levlucs-kiru @angeilix @cerisescherries @saeskiss @a-talkative-corn @briluvspnk @kamisatoyato @bbysatoruuu @viviixoxosblog @bambisz @chemiru @eternal-dokja @bflyprincess @jamieexistss @monocerosei @enjisthings @jangyung @hahalame @cupid-spams @snzhrchy @ukinya @luciledreamz @bisatanica

[starogeorgina]

𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐞𝐲𝐞 𝐨𝐟 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐝𝐫𝐚𝐠𝐨𝐧

Warnings: None

Pairings: Jacaerys Velaryon x Targ oc

1.05

Your chambers seemed much colder than normal as you finally confided in the knight who stayed by your side as you gave birth and the months following as you grieved, telling him the truth about your relationship with Prince Jacaerys.

He opens his mouth several times, but no words come out.

“I’m sorry for not telling you the truth, especially since you were by my side during my darkest time. I wish I had told you sooner.”

“I did something terrible,” he mutters.

You look at him in confusion. “What?”

He swats your hand away when you attempt to rest it on his shoulder. He abruptly stands and begins to pace the room in silence for a few moments before frustration gets the better of him and he yells, “You don’t understand! I thought the bastard had forced himself onto you.”

“A horrible misunderstanding was caused by my mother's lies. I cannot apologize enough for having you brought into her scheming.”

You had just finished getting ready for the petition of the heir of Driftmark, which would take place in a few hours when the knight arrived. You chose to wear a red dress to represent your house colors and had your lady in waiting braid your damp hair the night before so it would be curly in the morning. Although you knew you and Jacaerys couldn’t be together, the thought of seeing him again after learning he had been sending ravens caused butterflies to dance in your stomach. The knight expressed his concern that having the ‘bastard’ who forced himself on you, walking freely around the castle caused something to snap on you, forcing you to confess the truth.

“Princess, did you hear what I said?”

“My apologies, Ser Criston; my thoughts drifted.”

There’s a knock at the door, and one of your sister's ladies enters. “Forgive the interruption, princess, but princess Helaena has asked if you’ll help her finish getting ready.”

You offer her a smile and say, “Yes, I shall be there shortly.”

When the door is closed again, you are surprised to see Ser Criston hanging his head in his hands. “I should—”

“She’s still alive!"

“Excuse me?”

“Aelia didn’t die; she’s been in the castle the entire time.” You zone out momentarily as you process his world, and his voice is closer when he speaks again. This time he’s right in front of you, his eyes glazed over. “Your daughter is still alive, princess.”

Criston watches the rage of emotions that pull on your facial features as you try to make sense of what you're feeling. Your own mother had betrayed you. It's a long moment before you're finally able to speak again. “Take me to her, now.”

—

With no other choice, the knight orders all the servants out of the queen’s apartment sharply, and once it’s empty, he brings you to the room next to your mother's bedchambers, and there you see the most beautiful babe with pale skin, light violet eyes, and thick brown hair. There was no doubt the girl sleeping peacefully in her crib was a Targaryen and yours and Jacaerys daughter.

“Aelia,” you whisper.

Aelia Velaryon, the precious daughter you lost, the one Jacaerys never knew existed.

You lose yourself as tears of anger overwhelm the feeling of grief you once felt. How could a mother be so cruel to her own child? You wipe tears from your cheeks and turn to the knight. “How is this possible? I saw her die.”

“Aelia did struggle to breathe; however, against the Queen’s orders, one of the midwives alerted the maester, who managed to save her.”

“And you thought it was best to allow me to believe she was dead?”

He looks down at the ground to avoid your gaze. “I believed what her grace told me, and I followed her orders as the knight sworn to her.”

Helaena’s voice was suddenly echoing in your ears.

“He’ll break one heart in an attempt to fix his own.”

Every degrading comment and every slur the knight has spoken of Rhaenyra flooded to the front of your mind. None of this was ever about helping you; Cristion used this situation as a way to try and deprive Rhaenyra and her son without them even knowing.

“I cannot fault your loyalty to my mother, Ser Criston.” You were running out of time and would need to decide what to do quickly. It wouldn’t be long before the clubfoots spies told him that the knight had ordered all the servants to scatter. “But you will help me get to the dragonpit unnoticed with Aelia.”

“Princess, I don’t—”

“You will help me, Ser Cristion, and in return, I will keep your knowledge of the queen's treachery.”

Hesitantly, he steps. The knight knows he has no other choice but to agree to your terms. “Once you leave the dragonpit, where will you go?”

“Essos, our name will mean nothing in the free cities.”

—

Feeling terrified, you stared at Aelia, unsure of how to settle her. She began wailing the second Kain took flight. The reality of your daughter being alive was still sinking in, along with the realization that you have no clue how to be a mother.

“Princess, may I?”

You look up at the wet nurse, who offers you a kind smile, shaking your hand at Aelia. Soon as you walked into the castle at Dragonstone, you began to sob, feeling overwhelmed and completely alone. One of the ladies who you’d spoken with on several occasions noticed and recognised you despite wearing clothes that resembled those of the small folks. She hurried you through the castle along to quiet quarters, then alerted the maester, who summoned the wet nurse.

You had no plan beyond telling Jacaerys the truth when his family arrived back. Although you couldn’t guess when that would be, you desperately wanted to talk to him in person but knew you didn’t have time.

If he rejected you, then you really would fly off to the free cities, wherever it was safest.

Kain was lurking around the caves in Dragonstone, staying hidden from the view of others.

The lady in waiting rests her hand on your shoulder and says, “It will be okay, princess.”

You force a polite smile, knowing that nothing will be okay for some time. You visited your father's chambers before leaving and informed your mother that you had decided to stay out of sight until the blacks had left the house, which she agreed was a good idea, unknowingly playing a part in the plan you had set into motion.

Kain emerges from the shadows in the dragon pit, baring his teeth at the knight in front of him as Criston hands your daughter to you. It was said dragons sense their riders emotions, and after witnessing how aggressive your dragon is towards Criston, you’d consider it to be true.

The knight gulps down. “The Queen will be requesting my presence—”

“Not yet, Ser Criston.”

He gives a questioning look before glancing to the side as Kain opens his mouth every so slightly. No words needed to be said for the knight to understand the danger he was in. With the petition for driftmark taking place in less than an hour, most servants were busy in preparation for it and the feast your father wished to hold afterwards. None of your ill-will was against him, but the festering hatred for your mother was so strong that you had no choice but to go down the path of bringing her down, not only for revenge but to protect your daughter and your siblings.

He gulps down, “How else can I serve you, princess?”

“You’re going to tell me what else my mother has been hiding from me.”

Once Aelia had finished feeding, the wet nurse handed her back to you, and you stared into her tired eyes and felt nothing but love while being completely unaware of the chaos unraveling in the red keep.

[natasha-in-space]

Every so often, I can't help but think about all the dirty jobs Saeyoung had to do during his time as an agent. I'm not talking about the usual digital crime stuff he feels comfortable enough to mention openly. I'm talking of those missions he'd rather just shut up and never speak a word about. What about all the missions that went wrong for him, back when he was still young and inexperienced?

The fact that he has blood on his hands is apparent to us. But, do you ever think about whether or not he was forced to kill an innocent? Be it by some cruel accident or by direct order from the higher ups he had no choice but to obey? Have you ever thought of him having to make a quick elimination on yet another corrupt member of society, only to realize that his family, who has nothing to do with this, had seen him?

Have you ever thought about him doing everything he can to fix this: coming up with shaky lies on the spot, attempting to fabricate evidence, eventually resorting to pitiful begging that goes nowhere. But there should not be any witnesses. It's too late to turn back now. He got sloppy. His DNA is already on the scene of the crime. If he refuses, he not only puts his own safety at risk, but these people will get eliminated regardless. The least he can do is make it quick and painless. Have you ever thought of him still having to come back to his sad parody of a home and pretend like everything is fine? Like this was just another Tuesday, and not one of the most sickening things he had to do and witness?

Have you imagined him sitting down, staring at his bloodied hands with a blank and glassy look to his eyes, his weapon still in his grasp, and his ears ringing from every shot he has fired? Have you ever thought of him feeling so utterly disgusted and ashamed of himself that it almost seems like the silver cross on his neck that has always brought him a sense of security, is burning through his clothes and straight into his flesh? He won't take it off, no matter how heavy it feels. He wears it as a constant reminder of the sins these hands have committed. He knows that God has seen it all. He knows that, much like Lucifer, he will never be allowed to step foot over the Heaven's Gates. His soul is too sullied. Too dirty. Too sinful.

I feel like these are the days when he goes complete MIA. He tells everyone in the RFA later that he just slept through these few days.

He maintains contact with V, just in case. But, really, he spends these few days just... in a daze. Luciel has no remorse for selling his entire life away to guarantee his brother's happiness. He does not regret sullying his hands in the darkest sins this world had to offer, if only it means that Saeran's hands will get to do all the good things he has always dreamed about. He does not regret forsaking his own childhood, because he never thought of himself as a child in the first place.

But, in these moments... as the events of what he has done continue to unfold in his head over and over again, like he never even left, he feels it. Regret. Guilt. Disgust.

Luciel harbors a deep hatred towards his parents. He hates his joke of a mother, who has brought nothing but endless torment on her own children for ruining the life she foolishly destroyed all by herself, something he despises with all his heart. He hates his father for forcing them to live in constant fear and paranoia, just for the unforgivable crime of being born into this world. He hates every bystander who has done nothing to correct such an unfair act of pure cruelty unfolding right in front of their eyes.

But, as his vacant gaze keep drifting back to the equipment he has stashed away in one of his many drawers, a grim thought claws at his insides, tearing him apart piece by piece like a vicious parasite feeding on his flesh: is he... really that different from them?

Vanderwood ends up being the one find him, slouched in his seat, his hands still caked and crusty with blood. They just sigh, already knowing what happened. It's something they all had to go through. They just sit next to him, letting the younger agent know he's not alone. And, once Luciel's shoulders start to shake with choked, painful sobs, they don't say a word. They just let him break down into their arms.

It's one of the rarer moments of tenderness between the two.

[bu-blegh-ost]

I think it's so incredible, how Gillion, the chosen one, born to decide the fate of the world, possibly have a hand in its destruction even, or prevent it, is going towards this goal with Jay Ferin, a descendant of the people with red hair and wings, who helped seal the entity away in the first place. And how in a form of Jay Ferin, just like centuries ago, the member of the same family will attempt to continue what her predecessors started. And of course, there's also Chip. A child taken into the Black Rose family, raised by them, and the one responsible for upholding their legacy. And one who recently learned that his own captain was the one to open the hole in the first place. Chip in a way takes the responsibility to fix a mistake of a generation that came before him. It's poetic how the chosen one will take the final journey next to the person, whose family helped seal the entity, and one whose family helped to partially unleash. And how none of them ever deserved it or asked for these burdens. Chip never asked to be an orphan and end up a pirate, Jay never asked to be a Ferin and Gillion never asked to be born the way he did. It's almost cruel how their fate was decided the very moment they came into this world, and it makes so much sense to me now, why Gillion looked them both in the eyes and asked: "What if there's nothing?" But then Jay asks: "Have you enjoyed it?" And Gillion does not have it in him to lie. Because "Even if it's all inevitable, he's glad they got written in the same story"

[thesiblingsoftheblackandwhite]

Do you feel up for standing? Or need anything else?

There’s a certain guilt that Wiggly can absolutely place with the question. He wishes he hadn’t chugged all of his water the second he’d gotten it. He looks dumb “drinking” from an empty bottle.

Can you not ask that?

Blinky pulls out one of the crutches from where it had fallen halfway beneath the floorboards. It comes out caked in soft dirt. He seems distracted.

What, ask if you’re alright?

Y’wrath groans loudly, clearly annoyed by something.

Don’t you get tired of doing everything around here?!

Slowly, Blinky looks up, gathering both crutches in his arms. He sits next to him again before tossing the aids somewhere near. He focuses on him more clearly, confused.

…What do you mean?

Wiggly tries to formulate words.

I dunno. Look at you! It’s- even Tinky didn’t-

He isn’t able to. Kicking out a leg, it spasms with tingles. Y’wrath sharply inhales.

You shouldn’t have to do - all of this. How - how are you OK with this - us - anything? With Nibbly or me-

The talk with MacNamara obviously affected him to some degree. He wouldn’t usually be worrying about this.

Y-you shouldn’t-

Bliklotep listens quietly. After a few more unsuccessful stammers, he rests his hand over Wiggly’s and grips it for a moment.

…You know what? I don’t have much of a choice.

Even though it is said with complete neutrality, not a hint of resentment, Wiggog still attempts to pull away with a wince. It doesn’t work. He refuses to look up.

I don’t mean that in a bad way, Wiggog.

His hand is squeezed again.

Do you truly think I would ever…oh, forget that. Wiggly, look: Pokey’s helpful. But he’s not T’noy. I’m not either, but-

Bliklotep scrunches his nose up and sighs.

I can’t get close to whatever the fuck T’noy Karaxis has done over the centuries to keep us together. But that doesn’t matter.

He moves so that he’s no longer at his side, but not completely in front of him either, still holding his hand.

We are stuck in fucking Hatchetfield until our poor excuse for a father lets us back into the Black. We don’t have powers or anything else to our names right now. The Church is probably confused and lost without their little rituals. Watcher World might be closed. I understand that.

Blinky smiles in a way he hopes is partially reassuring.

It’s not our job to focus on that.

Wiggly scoffs and manages to rip his hand away. He curls his fingers.

Then whose?

I don’t fucking know!

He doesn’t sound angry. That’s all that’s needed to make Wiggly finally look at him, exceptionally confused.

…What?

I said I don’t know, snuggle-poo! Keep up.

Bliklotep, strangely, grins.

Sure, of course it’ll be our job eventually. We’re the ones the Church needs. But-!

He calms a bit, seeing his brother’s confusion.

But right now, we’re just five humans. Without N’yok, or Holloway, we can’t do anything about that. And you’re hurt.

They both glance to the crutches. Blinky falters.

Well, not hurt, but…you’re more incapacitated than us.

He senses inevitable protest.

And so is Nibblenephim.

Bliklotep holds out a hand, palm up. Y’wrath blinks at it and lets their fingers touch.

…I know you want to help. And you don’t need to say anything to tell me you’re frustrated that you can’t. But, simply put, you cannot help with a lot of things. That’s not your fault - it’s His. He made us human and left us with the side effects of that, and they’re cruel. Do you remember when I was sobbing in the middle of that hospital?

…

Wiggly nods.

Do you think I wanted to do that? Do you think I wanted to have Tinky cradle me like a child? No. But I couldn’t help it. Migraines.

His eyes soften.

I’ve been in pain, too. Hell, I’m pretty sure Nibbly’s the only one of us who hasn’t sobbed until it hurts to breathe. And you, but that’s…different.

Despite himself, Wiggly takes some offense to that. It fights with his sense of pride. Blinky snorts.

My point being, helping isn’t your job. It’s mine. It always will be. I know that, and I’m…I can handle it.

When he speaks again, his tone is obviously on the teasing side.

Also, come on. You’re my brother. Keeping you alive’s been obligatory for…how many centuries?

He gets a smack to his shoulder.

[kaylinalexanderbooks]

OC interaction

Thanks @drchenquill here, @willtheweaver here, and @somethingclevermahogony here!

Rules: describe an OC, then describe how they'd interact with the OC the person who tagged you gave!

Ahhh below the cut

Dr Chen's OC

Artur Karakaxa is a shape-shifting magpie with a lot of resentment and anger. He is the second child of four and had to witness his parents being killed by humans to steal their feathers, as they are very prescious. From that moment on, he has a deep hatred for humans, or anyone who isn't his family. When his youngest brother, Martin, was kidnapped for the same reasons as his parents, who were unfortunately killed in the process, he took matters into his own hands and hunted down the humans. He slaughtered them and managed to bring his brother home safely. From that day on, he worked hard and became an assassin with the goal of exterminating any threat that might come his or his family's way.

Will's OC

Lord of Loftperch Lookout, Halley is a proud and war-like eagle. He is considered to be the most belligerent of the Roost Lords, having warred on and off with his neighbors, both bird and fox. What few know is that his more aggressive tendencies stem from his family history and personal experience. Most of his family were killed in a bloody coup that saw the few survivors displaced from their original eyrie, and Halley himself has been the best target of several assassination attempts. These past experiences have left him with a firm belief in peace through strength, and that all threats to himself or his family must be delt with swiftly and decisively. Those who put up a good fight are deemed worthy of earning his respect.

C's OC

Fepaha The Drunken God, Lord of the Golden Water, and Tamer of the Vine. While typically represented in a masculine fashion, as with all gods, Fepaha has no sex or gender. They are representative of the universal concept of the manipulation of perception. As such Fepaha is not only a deity associated with alcohol and other drugs, but also hallucinations, music, plays, and storytellers. They fall into somewhat of a trickster archetype, changing reality and how others perceive reality, to his own benefit. As with most gods, they are incapable of inhabiting the mortal world while in their full form; but rather must visit as a small portion of themself called an “aspect”. Fepaha is a kind and energetic deity, well-suited to their domain of drunken revelry. They are uniquely fascinated with mortals, and love to hear stories, they may play at hospitality, appearing at celebrations to partake in the festivities. Despite this mostly benign side, Fepaha is incredibly powerful, billions of years old, and they do not understand mortals or mortal emotions. Much of their supposed good-nature and humanity is merely play-acting. They are not cruel or indifferent, rather they are so far divorced from the mortal experience that they simply cannot comprehend it, in much the same way that a human cannot comprehend the inner workings of an ant. Fepaha may fixate on a certain mortal for sometime, but they are not really capable of emotionally connecting with them. Fepaha did participate in the Calamity and as a result, is responsible both directly and indirectly, for the deaths of millions of mortals.

My OC:

Noelle is a twelve-year-old girl with telekinesis. She's very tall and thin but doesn't really give a shit that she towers over everyone. Noelle is very logically-minded and only forms opinions based on observations, not intuition. She gets frustrated with answers that don't make sense or rationales that don't make sense. Emotions are hard for her to grasp. Noelle also struggles to form legitimate opinions of her own, as most of what she has comes from her mother. Noelle can be a bit of a parrot in that regard. Still, Noelle does deeply care for friends, even if admitting it is difficult. Despite herself, she gets into "the zone" with her powers quite often. She's very confident with herself and her abilities, even having fun with them - an adrenaline high, if you will, since she doesn't have a physical outfit due to her mom not wanting her to be in any after school extracurriculars. Noelle doesn't believe she can mess up, and she doesn't understand it when others are intimidated by her. Noelle does have one passion: cooking. She likes how methodical it is, she likes knowing exactly what to make, and it's admittedly fun to correct a recipe for maximum efficiency and taste. She views cooking as more of a complex math problem, so to speak. Noelle overall finds it difficult to make friends, though people still seem to find her and like talking to her, though Noelle does not understand why. Deep down, Noelle does want to do the right thing, even though she's lost as to how to do that.

Noelle and Artur

I think Noelle would understand Artur, to a degree. She's close with her mom, so the idea of losing her - though illogical - would be something that would anger her, too. Noelle may also understand the black and white thinking. In a similar situation, I could see Noelle going down a similar path.

Noelle and Halley

After going through the "talking animals is illogical" to "well apparently they exist because I'm talking to one" debate, I think Noelle would understand Halley acting out due to family. She'd also admire the efficiency. Might not be a good thing. If Noelle did fight Halley, I think he'd be impressed by her telekinetic strength.

Noelle and Fepaha

Noelle would have a very hard time grasping the existence of Fepaha. She struggles with the abstract and illogical, and gods who experience reality differently would be hard for her to understand. Fepaha would find Noelle fascinating, though, as she is mortal.

TSP intro

TSP tag list (ask to be +/-): @thepeculiarbird @illarian-rambling @televisionjester @finchwrites

@nebula--nix @literarynecromancy @honeybewrites

[mcmusing]

Unlike ALL of their sequels, I'm not anti First Class. However, as more time passes, it's beyond clear that being the best X-Men movie truly isn't saying much. These flicks almost always fumble the ball in making mutants sympathetic, but following the CIA massacre, a severe lack of logic plagues characterization, especially regarding Raven and Erik. More on them momentarily.

While the massacre is a nicely filmed scene, its aftermath is handled terribly. To a jarring degree, considering the realistic emotions during it. Remember that in 1962, Pearl Harbor would be as fresh in many people's memories as 9/11 is to us now. An attack on an entire CIA facility to that magnitude would be another day of infamy. An executive order would have been issued to track and lock down mutants all over the country, complete with anti-mutant riots in the street. The really sad part is that because of how mercilessly ruthless the hellfire club was, there would be more arguments to justify the backlash than oppose it. Is it any wonder those different military forces attempted to bomb that beach?

Also regarding Shaw's band, how can anyone watch such overpowered beings needlessly stab, shoot, and burn all of those defenseless people and feel even an ounce of pity for mutants? Shaw's grandiose speech about how they will all eventually be captured and enslaved is utterly laughable, especially coming from him. This version of Shaw has powers so overblown that he could have single-handedly taken down the nazi regime, liberated those camps, and given mutation a heroic image. But no, somehow donning a swastika, torturing a mutant child, and trying to nuke the planet seemed like the superior strategies. It's exactly the same with Erik and those missiles. If he had simply seized and hurled them far away into the water, he would have proven that mutation itself is not the enemy. He and Surrogate Nazi Daddy both started something then wanted to play victim when their self-made enemies retaliated.

On the subject of Shaw Jr., it is reasonable that Erik would be wary of the CIA possibly having ulterior motives and hooking Charles up to random machines. However, with the massacre on top of learning that both he and Shaw are mutants, why isn't Erik disgusted with his very existence? Why does he automatically take a prideful stance? His powers are what got him on Shaw's radar in the first place, Shaw killed his very human mother, Erik turned out to be mutated like his tormentor, and said tormentor led a gang of other mutants in a murder spree against dozens of people who only wanted to capture Shaw, including the agent who housed and advocated for them. HOW does any of that add up to being anti-homo sapien, let alone pro-mutant? This is why Erik's longtime nemesis had absolutely NO business being a mutant! If anything, he should have been a regular human who wanted to exploit and recreate mutant powers in himself out of envy.

Onto Raven, her kitchen conversation with Charles already made no sense with that asinine "pets are always cuter when they're little, right?" remark. You're making that accusation towards someone who introduces you as his sister after a guy you hardly know just compared you to a tiger and encouraged you to walk around naked like some undignified lesser being? However, what really piles on the stupid is when she claims "no matter how bad the world gets, you don't want to be against it, do you?" WHAT is this bad of which she speaks? The worst deed she personally witnessed was committed by mutants, something that openly horrified her. What, is she referring to those two agents who mildly teased them a little? The one desperate agent who offered up the young mutants only after watching the cruel murders of his colleagues? Or is the bad all the people who Hank- another mutant- pointed out will never find her blue form beautiful? Something no one is required to feel towards her and something most would be unable to do due to biological evolutionary reasons that govern the laws of attraction. Absolutely nothing justifies her turn to Team Terrorism.

In trying to make Charles out to be this franchise's 'uncle Tom' of sorts, all they ended up doing was making Erik and Raven into glory-seeking, narcissistic, nonsensical, opportunistic, narrow-minded bigots.

[ikemenomegas]

Itachi Uchiha x Reader

Fear is the mind killer (1)

cw: navel gazey fake sherlock holms bullshit, set in the omegaverse although that's largely irrelevant to plot, alpha!reader, this oc suffers from a good amount of justified paranoia, also warning for attempts to be realistic about the whole child-soldier thing

A better member of the village would have put it all behind them, the whole sordid affair of one of the village's founding clans, a noble clan, being all but wiped out in a night.

It was an act of madness, of power, sometimes seen in the shinobi world. In a single night, the entire clan, fair and shrewd, cruel and arrogant, kind and dedicated, had been made martyrs.

Everyone except the eldest son of the clan head, who was now a villain, and the youngest son of the same, who was now a victim.

If anyone else was stunned into denial and disbelief they, like you, kept their silence. If this was the work of an enemy then it was one that was strong enough only the highest ranking members of the village would know much about it. If it was, more terrifying, the work of a supposed friend to the village, then there was something rotten in the roots of Konoha's great tree.

If it was truly madness, part of you didn't wonder if maybe the village deserved its grief. Itachi had had friends, or at least people who considered themselves his friends. He was an ANBU, one who waded into the dark. Those around him should have never let things get this far.

There was no funeral, which would have been the choice of the last village-bound Uchiha.

Still for there to be no public memorial for a founding clan was strange.

It would have been Uchiha Sasuke's choice, but you wished someone had counseled him to make a different one, even if it would dredge up painful memories. The completely silent and echoing absence of a whole clan in the village was resounding.

The knowledge of who had done it - the jounin and chunin were all whispering about it, it was impossible to keep secret and the village had given up trying almost before it had began - felt like the aftermath of a punch pulled right before it hit your nose.

You suspected you weren't alone in feeling like the massacre being just the Uchiha had been a near miss.

Your mind craved distraction from its own grief, and for better or worse, any information about the event was placed into some box in your mind like sweeping up the shattered remains of a vase. And like broken porcelain, it rattled when you walked with it.

It rattled when villagers fell suddenly silent at odd moments in their own conversations, whether what conversation you heard had seemed to hint at ill will or sympathy towards the Uchiha.

It rattled when you realized it was the forty-ninth day after the massacre and while your steps had taken you past the village's largest temple, your fear of being watched - you had after all been one of the friends (or at least acquaintances) of now traitor Uchiha Itachi - kept you from going inside.

It rattled whenever you caught sight of the other clan heads, distant and alone or with a cohort of vassal clan members and trusted guards, and wondered what they made of the event. What did they think of the lack of response from the village? What did they make of the power vacuum?

You walked back to your apartment in silence after leaving your teammates each day, the back of your neck prickling.

Most jounin sensei preached against fear. It froze the senses or focused them without the benefit of incorporating other information. Your sensei was a beta woman from no clan lineage in particular who had taken one look at your team, fresh out of the academy, in the middle of a village still somewhat resentful of how it was still rebuilding itself after being trampled on by a hundred meter chakra monster, and told you all that fear, like pain, meant something was wrong.

Sometimes it could be ignored or fought through to be dealt with in the future. Sometimes it was telling you something important about yourself or your environment.

As fear was in the mind, however, it liked to be more difficult to deal with than pain. It was the shinobi's responsibility, she counseled, to discern when your body was being reasonably ridiculous about it (like when your teammate put a thorny beetle down the back of your collar), or when it could put you in danger.

Such as would be the case for one trapped in a potent genjutsu. Or one of likely a number being watched for their response in the aftermath of a local upheaval.

Everyone seemed to be watching with bated breath to see if anyone else would do something. You had no idea what would happen if someone decided to break rank. The enemy on the other side of the field was entirely obscured.

Or at least they were trying to be.

You went to training and returned home day by day with only the varied and mindless sort of wandering someone both surprised and grieving might do.

The pieces rattled around as you sifted through them, thoughtlessly tracing the edges.

There was a formation among many others that your sensei had laid before your team. Shinobi had many ways of laying traps for their enemies, and for those they were not sure yet were enemies.

Nagano Botan was a branch member of the Akimichi family and blessed with the corresponding large build and large chakra reserves. He was the center of a strategy in your team that involved his intentionally neglecting to suppress his chakra if you suspected yourselves being monitored. The enormity of his natural power effectively drowned out the other chakra signatures in close proximity so that a typical sensor who wasn't sure what they were looking for could underestimate your team's number or miss a position.

It also had the secondary effect of intimidation. There was less likelihood of an attack from those without enough information if they thought they were outclassed to begin with.

This plan didn't work all the time, but it worked often enough on simple protection missions where the enemy were hill bandits or mountain bandits or simply cowards that the technique was taught to genin.

Sometimes the best defense was a distraction. It aligned at least with the philosophy of those whose job it was to be a constant and possible threat, lurking in the dark.

You frowned to yourself. ANBU was about as deep as the shadows got but there hadn't been any other announced defections from the village in the same week or even month.

There had been very ostensibly nothing else happening at all.

Not that you would know what was happening, you thought sourly, pulling your mind back to the exercise at hand.

Your other teammate, Kuniko, was on a hidden branch practicing throwing senbon through leaves that you sent spiraling into the air

She was very good with them and it had become one of your favorite things to see a fall of steel needles coming down like rain from a direction that your enemies hadn't anticipated. She was however working on precision and you were working on control and cultivating a second chakra nature, so this resulted in you sending leaves spiraling the wrong way in relation to the ground and trying to will your chakra to split them before Kuniko could pin them through with her throwing needles.

By tally, she was winning and it seemed more and more likely that you were going end up buying her the wagered plate of sakuramochi.

It was one of the less physically demanding but mentally taxing exercises your team had in its training repertoire and you and Kuniko, who was experimenting with adjusting throwing angles with chakra threads as well, took scheduled breaks to let Botan ply the two of you with snacks and meditate in order to recenter your control and focus.

They were talking, each pressing Arakawa-sensei with questions about their individual training, while you twirled a leaf between your fingers. You were comfortable, nestled between the roots of a tree with your back pressed to its warm trunk. You were trying to sense the layers of the leaf and direct your chakra to split it that way, rather than along the main vein.

It was perhaps a tad too complicated, certainly too complicated to be useful in the field right now, but you were feeling a bit mischievous and bifurcating Kuniko's target in a way that appeared to duplicate it was tempting.

You rolled the stem between your fingers, careful to maintain the chakra-cycling breath that was the base root of this particular meditation. The leaf's top side was shiny, glossy and very green, the other less vibrant and soft, spongy. You brought it to your nose and pulled in the green growing scent. The underside prickled your skin, not as soft as you had imagined.

Kuniko was laughing at something but somehow that sound suddenly made you wary, like there was something at just that same frequency you couldn't hear.

You were careful. This feeling was not unfamiliar since the massacre. The sudden and unprovoked sense of panic, of missing something. Intentionally, you avoided catching Arakawa-sensei's eye. She would help you if it was unreasoned panic, but you felt like this was one of those thing she had mentioned.

One of those times when fear meant that something was wrong and that something important was right there, just beyond articulation, and it needed to be brought into the realm of thought before it could be dealt with.

What kind of threats were simply too deep to be acknowledged?

The kind that lived at your very back.

Kuniko called your name to begin again and you used the tree to support you when you stood and picked carefully over the grass when you walked over.

It was now time for a rotation. Botan was to practice tree walking, standing upside down or sideways in order to avoid detection, so fluid that not even a leaf would fall from the trees above. Kuniko was to try burning the leaves that did fall before you could catch them in your hand. At the same time, you were each trying to tag Botan out before he got to one of you, without being seen.

You fought back a scowl, because there was already an answer. Like a sliver of porcelain found under the wardrobe or stabbed into your palm. A shiver passed over your back when Arakawa-sensei popped up behind the two of you on the ground, a sinister warning to get out there and get started in her eyes, but the shiver stayed for different reasons.

For one, the kind of wind that promised a chill storm had kicked up, helping Botan to hide within the noise. For another, you quite literally felt like you would jump at your own shadow if the forest hadn't already swallowed it.

What kind of shadow was deeper than ANBU?

You didn't know, but you were certain that Uchiha Itachi had a good idea.

A/n: This is the promised start to a short series that is about Itachi's Alpha's decision to go find Itachi, and their thought process in discerning what was going on behind the scenes of the Uchiha massacre. It is incredibly navel gazey and doesn't have much to do with the omegaverse apart from being set in that realm. As writer and readers I think we understand that despite the shinobi practice of treating academy graduates as adults, this does not mean that genin and advanced ranks are making completely rational/unemotional decisions. Itachi's decisions, which are focused on here, were incredibly emotional. Despite being saddled with an adult's burden and expected to make an adult's decisions, after watching and rewatching the relevant scenes of his conversations with the elders, as well as his confessions to Sasuke and others later on, I have come to a greater appreciation of the writing for those scenes(whether this is confirmation bias or truly present I don't know). Itachi's decision regarding the massacre is made based on fear, anger, desperation, love, and watching him makes his youth more obvious, even behind the reputation of his being an ANBU captain and the clan heir. The mc in this is an unreliable narrator partly due to their own age, as well as what I imagine would be incredibly stressful circumstances post-massacre. In part 1, they don't love Itachi. Yet. They just remember him. If you've had such similar experience regarding persistent thoughts about someone before, you may recognize the experience of the object of mc's thoughts becoming a kind of obsession as they replay scenes and ideas over and over. They also know that although Itachi was at a level far beyond his own peers, he was also part of their age group, which is a bit like watching one of the gifted kids go to all the advanced classes but still know they're in the same literature class as you or something. So I don't think they, starting off as a genin when this happens, has quite the understanding of ANBU to really believe that Itachi is behaving like an ANBU or jounin veteran would. Everything in this will come from the mc's point of view and they are not always aware of the assumptions they are making at every step, despite doing their best to reason things out. Importantly, they are being coached by Itachi's "voice". Some assumptions they eventually will have to admit came into being because they didn't want a friend and someone they looked up to be a murderer and leave it at that. Sometimes the things we want to be true about ourselves and other people give us blinders. Shinobi are taught to be unfeeling and told that the highest honor would be to be a perfect tool, easily molded. But we see how that works out over and over again, with Itachi, with Obito, with Kakashi, with Sasuke, with Rin, with Tsunade and so on. And we see how individual thinking or great problem solving abilities, often in the children deemed prodigies by the villages (including many of the series' missing nin), sometimes going hand in hand with a nearly curse-level ability to empathize, buts up against the shinobi ideal. After all, empathy with your enemies would make you a fantastic strategist, but only if you can also stop thinking of other people as people. For better or worse, this mc becomes aware that they are "not a good shinobi" early on, and this transforms into an internalization of a "ninja way" that is not quite in lockstep with the village policies.

[maxwell-grant]

I can probably guess, but how would those individuals getting the Death Note make things worse?

Well,

While she probably should have the book over Light, Emilia is far more ambitious and dangerous that he could be even without the notebook. She's sort of this embodiment of a child's imagination/rebellion in that she's this rebellious firecracker that can do basically anything and has very little respect for grown-ups and very little tolerance for injustice, but she's also egotistical and stubborn and has very little breaks and a very stunted sense of morality, among many other flaws. She's not really that bad, she's a trickster with a big heart trying to make the best of a fiercely opinionated brain and a lease in life she was never supposed to have, she grows for the better but, she did think about cutting off an angel's wings just to see what happened (she later saved the angel by beating Popeye with food poisoning). She held the world hostage with a shrinking spell to try and force the U.S President into ending war forever. Her first appearence had her win a fight by carving out a scorpion's eyeballs with a barbecue spit. Again, she's not evil, but she tends to rejects concepts like "nuance", "social filter" and "not getting to do what she wants right now". She absolutely would have a list planned for the occasion, and there would be a lot of politicians and big shot important folks in there. I'm starting to reconsider my stance on whether she should have the book or not.

The Golden Amazon actually is just straight up evil though. In the first book, she destroys most of England and attempts to rule the world by replacing humanity with synthetic beings, by the second she's leading a secret society of superwomen from the Amazon, and in the following books, while she became an "anti-hero" in the loosest sense possible, that's more so because she succeeds in taking over things and so now has to defend her matriarchy from aliens and saboteurs (I think the books might have retconned some details as they went along but she seems to be either defending Earth so she can rule it or already being it's ruler). She is the Dominatrix of the Solar System, the greatest scientist who ever lived, a cruel, ice cold murder expert superhuman who pretty much doesn't need the Death Note in any way, she really really doesn't need any kind of help in killing/torturing people. The real danger here is her learning about the existence of the shinigami and the shinigami world and deciding she doesn't like death gods in on her territory (existence itself) and deciding to do something about it.

The Black Bat, I mean, Tony Quinn is kind of a piece of shit. He's a scarred and miserable District Attorney turned vigilante serial killer who brands the corpses of the criminals he kills, and unlike The Spider he's not exactly dealing with apocalyptic extreme circumstances to make this behavior less insane, he's just fighting mobsters. Passing the Death Note from the son of a cop, into the hands of a disgraced District Attorney who already decided to go out at night to murder crime with guns and has associates at hand to help him do it is just, well it's not exactly a step up from the threat Light Yagami posed.

El Sombra, look, Djego tried, he truly did. He did a lot of good. If you gave him the Death Note, he'd use it exclusively to kill Nazis and he'd mean it, because that's all he ever did, if you handed him the book during the events of El Sombra and Gods of Manhattan he could have done a lot of good with it. It's just, Pax Omega happened, and what became of him is absolutely not someone who you want to hand something like the Death Note to. He failed, and he failed where it mattered most, and his reward for failure was becoming version 2.0 of everything he hated most and nearly dooming the entire planet. Even if he could have used it to kill Hitler and every member of Untergang, there was no happy ending to the tale of El Sombra. He just failed too profoundly for that to be possible.

The Whisperer, see The Black Bat's deal but times ten, or really just read that editor note above introducing him. The Whisperer is "Wildcat" James Gordon, a handsome young dandy Police Commissioner who, once elected, turned out to be a total maniac asshole (famously burned down an illegal casino as Commissioner, didn't even put on a disguise to do it) and who fights crime by transforming himself into an unrecognizably older persona so he can murder people with impunity. I feel like I don't have to elaborate much here, what's wrong with this guy is fairly brutally self-evident.

The Blue Morpho, because, well how long you've got? Even if you've never watched The Venture Bros and don't know all the horrible things he's done personally, I feel like "cartoon supervillain moonlighting as a dark violent pulp hero in order to kill all the other supervillains in town standing in his way" is fairly self-explanatory. Mr Fitzcarraldo here offed his world's Legion of Doom in one blow pretty much by accident. He's not really out to kill for killing's sake, he just wants to get one guy really badly, but he doesn't really care who he has to get rid of to do that, or even just killing people to solve minor dumb inconveniences like avoiding paying taxi fare or being annoyed by a henchman. He might have the biggest on-screen body count in a show that has Brock Samson in it and only became deadlier as The Blue Morpho, that's no small feat.

Hugo Danner, because there is not a single aspect of Hugo Danner's life that didn't suck and that he didn't find a way to make worse. Hugo Danner was every bad/evil/stupid take on Superman published years before the genuine article. Hugo Danner is the Garth Ennis Superman pisstake that Garth Ennis loved the character too much to actually do. Hugo Danner enlisted in WW1 and only realized he could have ended it single-handedly after he'd already slaughtered thousands and thousands of poor infantrymen with his bare hands and the war ended, and promptly hated himself for being such a colossal idiot. He could not conceive of solutions that didn't envolve "squeezing continents into submission" and punishing all the people too stupid and scared to love him the way he thought he deserved. He hated himself too much to even kickstart plans to create a master race. He got himself killed by cursing the skies and being struck by a lightning bolt on the final page. There's not a lot that the Death Note could have done to save his life from being a shit show, but all he ever did was perpetrate that shit show on others so, yeah, good riddance Danner you stupid bastard.

[ruinakete]

☽ ・WHAT MAKES A PERSONALITY.

a template ( created by the wonderful Ree ) for analyzing features of a personality beyond listing adjectives. written beneath a readmore because of length, not spoilers!

SELF-CONCEPT

VIEW OF SELF: highly upheld on a pedestal created by her late tribe and the hierarchy of Fell Churches. though clouded by a heavy sense of superiority, there is the slightest chance of self-awareness from her, though it is an introspection that takes time. what is important to her is that she, above anyone else, knows her heart and mind. no one else can claim to relate to all she has lived through and she knows this; though the level of tragedy she connects this with is debatable. likewise, her view of self is duller than her view of others, as she truly does not care for herself at her core. this is not self-deprecation, rather it is the monotonous feeling that comes from knowing that, at the end of the day, she is what her tribe and Sombron have made of her. there is nothing else and nothing more.

VIEW OF OTHERS: hardly memorable. unlike her, time will pass for them and they will die, so their only purpose is to serve until their last breath. will she remember their names? hardly, but the impact they have will outlive their body. as a direct result of her behavioral inconsistencies and traumas, she alienates herself from society and, thus, does not view humanity and other immortal beings in any positive light. they are only useful under a leash. they are only useful if they can be wielded as pawns. if they stray from their fated path, then they must be punished. it is as much a law as it is instinct. either way, none of them will equate to the space necessary in the void of her heart; what she needs is a family, and other people cannot give this to her.

VIEW OF WORLD: unforgiving. selfish. the world is cruel to those who surpass their fate and, thus, she bares her teeth and takes as much from the world as she thinks she deserves; which is everything it has to offer. in her eyes, the world is ever-changing and will not wait for you to mend your wounds, no matter how closely you hold it at heart. you will not survive if you are not the aggressor. her environment taught her that pain is love and such love, one strong enough to destroy what it has created, is punishment, in its own way. to love was to hurt until you knew nothing else; to grieve was to love with all your heart. if you sought love then you had to seek the pain that is obligated with it upon your faults. thus, all relationships of value between her and the world were, and will always be, transactional.

MOTIVATIONS & GOALS: serve as Lord Sombron's greatest follower until he sees her as fit to be the mother of his child. whether it be one or plenty, she hopes to bear them and give fruit to lives of her blood. upon birth, they are hers, as a mother and idol and god. and that, the idea that, one day, someone she brought into the world will revolve that very world around her, is what keeps her focused on the future. but somewhere, along the line, another motivation has formed upon her arrival; protect the Four Hounds and restore what they once were.

WHEY THEY VALUE MOST: family, both in the physical and metaphorical sense. the idea of having and taking from someone who owes you their entire life for giving fruit to theirs.

EMOTIONAL REACTIONS

REACTION TO STRESS: most, if not all, negative emotions end in her lashing out in an attempt to regain the control she once lost. so, when stressed, her composure falters; she becomes jittery, scheming, and distant. she'll refocus all of her energy on picking apart the stressor and, upon recognizing what it is, eliminating it without hesitation. this could mean directly destroying the stressor or completing it, but whichever it is, she does not ignore it. it, also, does not matter what this stress comes from; whether it be a responsibility, environment, or person. the execution, however, of this determination is usually heartless and selfish, as she will go through anything and anyone to calm the nerves of her heart.

REACTION TO FEAR: though fear, too, is a negative emotion, it does not necessarily end in an unwavering sense of hostility. to fear something is to think that it has the weight to actually affect you. and, thus, it is fine to say that fear isn't an emotion she's faced often in her thousand years of life. upon first face of this subject causing her fear, she's incredulous. confused or shocked, rather than frightful. but when the emotion sets in, she becomes quieter. curt. this silence is not submissive, lest it be in the face of Sombron. her following reaction will be to right what has been wronged; control. she will combat this fear with confrontation if the risks prove to be lesser, but she knows her limits and will not provoke the fear if it will bring her harm.

REACTION TO SUCCESS: to revel in her success is not rare. this is, usually, done in the form of taunting the losing party. however, her reaction to success differs between the success of herself and the success of those she deems as hers. for the former, she does not seek praise. it is not the acknowledgment she requires, as that is flawed and not taken at heart's value. if not from Sombron, then she does not want it. however, praise is what she requires when her pawns succeed. for them to win is a win for her, as it reinforces the greedy pride of being able to create something worth loving. otherwise, success, to her, is conditional and can always be revoked. it is not something worth celebrating by the masses. in fact, it could be argued that success makes her hungrier for the possible retaliation that will follow.

REACTION TO FAILURE: depends highly on who she fails regarding the event. in light of disappointing Sombron, her apologies are swift, curt, as there is nothing else to say. her willingness to right, again, what has been wronged is high and she will take no other answer unless she's given the other chance. there is no guilt, as she does not recognize such a feeling, but the feeling aches similarly. if in the case of failing herself, her reaction is duller. again, at her core, she has come to terms with the fate she's been given, so all she is to do is find her way back unto the path paved for her. she'll try again, more determined, but emotional reactions are little to none. she understands herself best and will right herself accordingly, aiming to engrain into her the teachings that made her who she is.

DEVELOPMENT

IDEAL SELF: is constantly changing, to the point where she cannot fully recognize where she, herself, wants to be. what amount of development would be enough? from whom would this development come from? all she knows is that the ideal life she sees fit for herself is that of a mother, as it was the only thing able to fill the void in her heart. key word: was. new events have shone a light on her ideals and hope to shift them. unfortunately, because of her lack of concern for who or what she becomes, as her fate will always be written before her, the exact ideal self is unknown.

AREAS OF GROWTH: as mentioned before, loneliness is still a factor she hopes to heal. being alienated from others, even dragons like herself, because of the behavior she adapted to in hopes of defending her heart will always prove her efforts futile. to grow requires the knowledge to understand exactly what is necessary beforehand. thus, her concept of what can heal her is false and flawed. it's simple and, if she does not recognize her emotions and pick apart the years of manipulation, all will be hopeless.

BARRIERS TO GROWTH: the inability to wear her heart anywhere that is not the steel bars of her ribcages; the continuous conquest of favor for Sombron; the inability to recognize how she has affected the world and vice versa; the inability to be truthful lest she fear bleeding out on the spot; and time wearing away at the familiarity she should have with her own emotions. there is a lot that stands as an obstacle to her development. none of it will disappear quickly, so she must approach it slowly and with patience.

[faithfromanewperspective]

Bipolar James??

Hi anon! I see you've found my post on something, likely related to the midnight heir and want to ask more. I still don't know how to link posts on this site, and my original was very much processing on the go and I doubt its comprehensibleness, so here goes. I'll try to summarise it.

First off this is a headcanon, a hypothesis if you will that attempts to make sense of the evidence we see in the different canon appearances of James Herondale: Nothing but Shadows; Cast Long Shadows; The Midnight Heir; and The Last Hours trilogy. Three short stories from different collections and three very long books. We get James' POV only in TLH and NBS (but more on this later). It is also a piece of a puzzle and really only partly explains what is going on for this boy: no real person can be minimised to a psychiatric diagnosis, and same goes with a well-constructed fictional character. I'll touch on some of the other context I find as important, and so this post might derail at times but I'll bring it back to the question you have asked. So without further ado:

There have been a lot of criticisms of the way Cassandra wrote James and I do want to say, these are valid. And it's okay to be disappointed. Personally I don't think he's necessarily inconsistent; instead I see the inconsistencies of expression as different forms of self-expression of a mentally ill teenager who's trying to make sense of his own existence in a world that can be cruel but needs love and kindness, but often only accepts these in neuronormative ways which cannot ever capture his own idealism and need for a specific kind of connection. Who was born into the lonely role of being the first ever of his kind; and on top of one-quarter of his genetics coming from a demon, his other three grandparents carry the genetics for a range of neurodivergences, further isolating his experience. He's such an interesting intersection of having grown up with love and having grown up carrying more than a child ever should, with no one there to really witness and empathise, not properly in the way he needs. So I'm going to go through chronologically to how I've reached this hypothesis, feel free to skim to headings if you like!

From the beginning: feeling isolated, neurodivergence and trauma Here I briefly touch on James' first canon appearance: the Whitechapel Fiend. He's only a toddler, a good kid, whose comfort item is a spoon, okay, and he likes to repeat what it is which is baby behaviour but also like this is our baby autistic boy (first piece of context). Here he spends time with his cousins as their parents fight demons. Yet, later he doesn't feel close with said cousins as we see in Nothing But Shadows, set approximately 11 years later.

Fast forward to the summer he turns 13, in Days Past in Chain of Gold and also Nothing But Shadows. His grandparents have died, he's a muddle of feelings and feels excluded from his parents' grief. He's going to Hatchards with his father, feeling socially awkward and self-conscious about it, about his existence, everything. My important piece of information to take away here is that from the outside you wouldn't know he's feeling like this. He's shy, well he's 13. He likes to read, what a good kid, what a cute hobby. Thomas calls him 'aloof and above it all' while he's actually half dissociated from the overwhelm and is constantly escaping into books to cope, to the point where he isn't sleeping well and he's missing classes. He's actually close with his parents, he doesn't have any other social networks (even though he is friends with Cordelia and Thomas, but he doesn't see them regularly and doesn't seem to know how to maintain long-distance friendships like Lucie does) and yet he still feels as if he shouldn't intrude on them and their feelings. This persists when he decides to stay at the Academy instead of worrying his mother or have Tessa feel as if her heritage was hurting him. He has this insecurity about worrying people that carries through all the canon stories we see him in, and even influences his narration.

And yet he's quite emotionally mature for 13. We see it in his conversation with Matthew when they first open up to each other. He stands up for himself when Matthew laughs. We see him processing in real time what it must be like to grow up having to care for your parents. We also see it in his ideals and his justification for why he's a shadowhunter. He's very empathetic, he cares a lot about injustice, he sees things from the perspectives of downworlders and mundanes and isn't afraid to say it, even when it further exacerbates the social awkwardness he's so self-conscious about. And I know, so far all I've done is made a case for him being autistic.

But he's also selfless to the point where it isn't sustainable, filled with hurt and rage as well as a growing consensus that he doesn't deserve to be taken care of and how could he ever be loved enough to be someone's parabatai? In one scene we see him direct this rage at Alastair. But most of the time it's directed at himself, and you wouldn't even know that it's there. You'd just see the boy who's always reading, who's a little shy and self-conscious (but as we see in Cast Long Shadows is starting to come out of his shell and build a little confidence when he's with his friends). A typical 14yo introvert. And he's so good, he's protective and loyal and justice-driven, he even threw Augustus Pounceby in the river when he insulted Tessa.

But what if that was just another expression of the rage and unprocessed hurt that becomes depression? It's not like with Matthew, who is expressive and friendly and wears his emotions close to the surface. It's the way it compounds with his shadow realm related ongoing trauma and autism-related sensitive nervous system to send it haywire, constantly watchful, nightmares instead of sleeping. And yes he works through the most obvious ptsd-ish symptoms here with Jem, but prolonged hypervigilance alone is a trigger for depression and I'm pretty certain that's what we're seeing in the lingering insomnia and self-deprecating thoughts he's used to dismissing (except in that odd window of time that is TMH when his self-control and inhibitions are down) and reliance on his friends to feel just about anything positive. We see it when he says the time with Cordelia 'was the happiest [weeks] of [his] life' in Chain of Thorns--like, mate, you barely left the house and you dreamed of people dying the entire time, was this really better than your entire life? He's a worrier and an overthinker and some of that is down to his neurodivergence and isn't in itself problematic, but sometimes things aren't that easy to unravel: he's always been like this, living with big feelings he tries to hide the intensity of and a bias towards the negative that he's simply learned to build a sense of optimism around. And so to him all of this is normal; he's largely accepted it, and he lives with it: not in a state of desperation but a numb sort of acceptance that is the product of years of work. Of course, even this coping strategy comes apart sometimes.

The Bracelet: Exacerbating and Twisting Existing Cognitive Processes and Midnight Heir Mania This next part of the headcanon mostly depends on my interpretation of what exactly the spell of the bracelet does. Mostly. Not completely. But after much investigation I've come to the conclusion that the bracelet is mostly an attention diverter. It functions a bit like ADHD forgetfulness, interestingly enough, but what is pretty much canon is it doesn't actually manufacture affection for Grace, only redirects the existing feeling of isolation and longing that it exacerbates by directing James' attention away from being able to focus on and maintain the memory of the feeling of belonging from when he's with his friends, family, whatever--but then again, he's kind of always been like that. It attempts to connect in his head pathways between the concepts of Grace, kissing, and love, and you can tell how much it gets both muddled with and overshadowed by the real thing when they kiss in Chain of Iron and James just subconsciously goes straight to imagining Cordelia. I think this is because it is demonic in origin and demons can't manufacture real love, or even feel it. My point is, I guess, that the bracelet isn't massively powerful (hence being able to pass undetected while conducting minimal attention diversion on others) but it is constantly, persistently, manipulating whatever neurological processes exist for James and directing them towards its own goal (this feeds into my theory of warlock genetics and DNA mimicry but here isn't the post to talk about it).

Thus, in some ways it functions like a less-than-ideal medication: it does prevent the overthinking from running free unless it's about Grace (which is probably helpful at times, and we see it in bits in Chain of Thorns when he's spiraling a lot more) but also dampens James' problem-solving abilities and overall intelligence, including his emotional intelligence about his friends which is probably the most heartbreaking part. It exacerbates any existing rarely-focused-on proprioception and alexithymia (another headcanon, not as strong but it fits) but makes him hyper-aware of a sense of pain and emptiness whenever he's not with Grace, building the association that it's from being without her. Mostly, it serves to contrast his connection (and their friendship is real, to start with) with Grace with the rest of the world by hindering his ability to feel connection and causing more isolation: which is unfortunately the thing James has been trying to get out of his entire life. We see Grace narrate that she saw the light go out in his eyes when she put it on him. This means that he gets to feel love and connection for a few short months only, and even that was against a backdrop of some pretty intense trauma (and through this contrast, the story paints the picture that connection and love=good and will defeat evil, isolation and secrets are bad and leave you vulnerable).

From there it's not a big jump to say that in The Midnight Heir, when Grace has broken up with him in a letter and there's no way to talk things over just that immediate and unexpected betrayal, the bracelet will have him hyperfixating on the hurt and the loss of Grace: the loss of his only hope and real joy and connection in life. His inhibitions and self-control that still, even with the bracelet on, have him behaving in socially acceptable ways in hopes of fitting in and laying the groundwork to love and connect with the rest of the world in a way that something in James has always longed for (yet simultaneously found all but impossible) and we see this when he goes to comfort Eunice Pounceby in his parents' stead--are down in this moment in time. And I refuse to believe that it's purely because of the alcohol. In fact, I think it's something that comes prior to his alcohol consumption at that time; the alcohol no doubt exacerbates it but if he were truly drunk he would not have such good aim with the gun (Ragnor wouldn't have been encouraging to shoot things if he was likely to accidentally kill someone imo) and he wouldn't be able to ride a bicycle with no hands or climb Nelson's Column or whatever it's called. Actually, based on what Will and Tessa say to Magnus about how he's usually so good but has basically been off the rails recently, I would say this is quite a clear indicator of a (hypo)manic episode.

A big misconception about bipolar is that manic episodes have to be euphoric (like extra happy and excited etc). This is quite clearly a dysphoric manic episode: it's as if the hurt and the hopelessness and every feeling he's been hiding have come to a head and been unable to be contained by the person he presents as to the world anymore. He's filled with self-deprecating rage, he's been under the bracelet's spell for long enough that he's shrinking from the possibility of being cared for even more than he already would, he's hanging out with Matthew who's in a similar headspace and is already a heavy drinker and Christopher who's already unhinged most of the time; Thomas is in Madrid and so there's no one to really ground him. On top of that it's mid to late winter and James pretty much canonically gets seasonal depression anyway, and depression and (hypo)mania can actually be triggers for each other and so it's quite possible that all of this built up to a point until he was unable to care about what people thought or how he treated them anymore and started doing things he wouldn't usually; with that came a burst of energy from his suppressed rage and all of this mounted into a dysphoric (hypo)manic episode. The letter from Grace was the cherry on top but also what catalysed him to burn off the rest of his energy in one night and almost die multiple times; we can assume his parents and Jem intervene somehow and somehow by the time we see him next in Chain of Gold he's back to his usual muted slightly frustrated (bracelet) self. That's my theory at least.

And I would say that the bracelet did have a big role to play in this but it didn't completely cause it. It only lined up more dominoes than would be there without it, possibly making it more extreme than it otherwise would be or show up at a time when it otherwise wouldn't. I also think TMH therefore is consistent with canon, and I see clues in TLH that build on this point: the same insecurities about worrying the people around him and the fact that he'd rather suffer alone; and a similarly unstoppable energy in Chain of Iron when he's tying himself to a bed the minute he's alone at home trying to figure out if he's the murderer just because he's dreaming through the murderer's eyes (and imo that's not a rational possibility at all, considering things like winter and nightclothes and wrong weapons and Effie would definitely notice him leaving and coming back covered in blood) and yet he won't just go to the Institute and tell his parents what's going on and have them watch him instead of ropes he can definitely untie. Like then it's far from a true hypomanic episode but he's hurting, he's desperate, he's quietly dramatic and feeling isolated and he's narrating the whole story like nothing is wrong and Cassandra wants us all to be worried about Matthew and somehow only Lucie and sometimes Thomas notice that James isn't okay either.

James' masking and narration style Finally, I've talked about this before but James (and also Tessa, which I think is where he gets it from) have a tendency to narrate what's going on around them in a way that kind of dissociates from how they're feeling. For James, it's almost as if the way he doesn't want to worry anyone around him has permeated into his internal narrative and combined with the skills he's learned to keep his head up while he's actually suffering quite a lot. I'd say this is much more prevalent at 17 than at 13 but it is still always there. If he shows the Mask (which Cordelia hates and he mostly uses when he's under the bracelet's influence, but we do see it a couple of times without) to the people around him, this is how he maintains a sense of optimism and autonomy to himself as he goes through a world that is very overwhelming. It's like a mix of radical acceptance and emotional dissociation which isn't the healthiest but also isn't the worst, it's quite common I'd say where I'm from (and this isn't tsc fandom related at all but I wrote a post on the western sydney work ethic which it reminds me a little of). It also means as readers (with this combined with Cordelia's narration and she views James through very rose coloured glasses) we're led to spend the entire trilogy worried about Matthew (who we get very minimal POVs from and the two we get really just serve to further the plot with barely any introspection) who is himself, actually very worried for James. It becomes a weird enmeshed cycle, but hey, what are parabatai for? And then in the epilogue of Chain of Thorns Matthew hits us with the heartbreaking (because it's to Cordelia) line 'the past few months [have really showed me or smth] how miserable James has been, and for [so?] long'. Like James is doing alright, he always has been, he never needed to be looked after the way Thomas or Christopher seemed to even back at the Academy. But he hasn't really been doing well, at least since then if not longer, and no one knows him or understands this better than Matthew.

I really wish we got James' POV in the epilogue of Chain of Thorns but instead we get Cordelia twice, and we see them in love and really living that and seemingly having done so and gotten closer the way they were always meant to be over that six months we don't see. He seems every bit that person we only got glimpses of who shows and tells her how much he loves her regularly because the feelings are so overwhelming in a good way for once but also because he's able to channel the very thoughtful and selfless way he's learned to interact with those around him into his relationship with his wife and she actually treats him in the same way in return: the wounds of isolation are slowly healing, it's summer and the depression has eased, the desperation and longing aren't really significant now that his needs for the kind of connection where he's seen and feels respected and free the way he likes to be are met, and overall this is a euthymic period for possibly the first time since he was very small and we love it for him--but it's also quite hard to tell on first read how significant this is, because he narrates as someone who's used to suffering and it's so normalised the way that culturally, most of us don't live like this (and that's probably a good thing for us).

Final thoughts Do I think the rage against injustice isn't there anymore, isn't simmering below the surface, it just magically went away because James and Cordelia are married and live happily ever after? No. Do I think that the trauma from his school days, the insecurities he picked up from his parents, and the whole sexual abuse fiasco won't come back to bite him later? Of course not. This headcanon exists because I can see that James' story doesn't end with one (1) eurhythmic period but instead this almost out-of-character ending is actually, just like the controversial TMH, a part of a bigger picture in which complex neurobiology can bring up changes in energy and mood in a cyclical manner and that seems to be what's going on with James. I do think that he'd require another hypomanic episode without the bracelet's interference to be diagnosed if psychiatry the way we know it existed then, and I do hope that when his life is less stressful and there's no sudden trips to the shadow realm and he's feeling connected and not constantly overwhelmed and maybe gets a chance to do some social justice stuff and express his sense of justice in a healthy way, they'd be a lot fewer and far between and probably less severe. But I do also think the minute you put him on an antidepressant he'd be not sleeping again (antidepressants can trigger mania) and maybe this time super excited about something? Autistic special interests that transcend the need for sleep in researching his favourite occult magicians maybe? Like it's mostly a vibe at this point, but I do think the evidence is there, and here are a few more reasons why:

First, the high genetic crossover with things like autism both in brain structures and co-occurrence. I think he gets his autism from Linette and from Aloysius Starkweather. I think the recipe for bipolar is also handed down with that mixed with whatever is going on with Edmund Herondale. Cassandra Clare invented genetics and Charles and Matthew Fairchild are evidence of this. I think their genetics would be consistent with what happens irl and to this point they have only proven this. I'm not going to quote the exact stats because studies vary, both conditions are massively underdiagnosed and have a tendency to be explained in stereotypical ways impacting the stats (James is very unstereotypical and I love that for him) and I have misquoted this before and I don't want to do that but I also don't have the time to dive into every scientific study and analyse their viability. But hey, the science is there.

And finally, the Waterstones letter Matthew sends to James from his trip when he has some advice from Oscar Wilde' ghost I believe and he thinks it might apply to James as well. Matthew is another character I've also headcanoned to have bipolar though it looks very different for him (also this is why I love these two's dynamic so much) and he's very intuitive about these things even with none of the terms we know today. So I wouldn't be surprised that he'll be like 'oh yeah this is me and james both' and be dead right about exactly what both of them need.

[sntsqnns]

morning lessons, desmona and nikkola atticus

one shot

TW: Desmona A+ parenting, Necromancy, Blood, Mention of Death, Brief mention of child neglect, Brainwashing, Animal Death

The wet grass irritates the warm skin of your thighs, your dress shirt damp from where you sit on top of the hem. Despite the morning fog, every part of your body is feverish and rose, sweat clinging to you despite your best attempts of collecting yourself. Your chest burns brighter than the top of a stove, where her cold back rests against it. Despite the slightly uncomfortable position, you say nothing of your discomfort to the girl sat between your legs; she needs to be enveloped by you, feel your skin against hers to anchor her here ⸻ in the world of the living. You know the spirits would not allow her to slip over the veil, for they have a strange fondness for Nikkola, but your girl is scared nonetheless, and you want to make the process easier for her.

Your hands rests on her thighs, dark eyes watching the forest in front of you, thumb caressing her skin in a comforting gesture. Many call you cruel, your touch a rotten thing ⸻ but for her, gentleness is found on your fingertips, coiling around her in a mother's touch. “You can do it,” you whisper against her ear, noticing how she is still concentrating. She is your perfect little daughter, obeying your commands no matter how much it pains her. Back when she was barely four years old, her pain wouldn't have bothered you such; she was a means to an end, a sacrifice you would soon offer the spirits for your power back ⸻ But then, she came back home one day after playing with the neighborhood kids, beaming bright with her dimples and red cheeks, so shyly uttering a world she had never used towards you before; mommy. You gathered she heard the other kids calling their mothers that, only made sense in her young mind to gift you with such a title. She looked so proud of herself, watching you with trusting big green eyes ⸻ Your heart beat for the first time in a millennia. You could not deny her anything after, for the girl had you wrapped around her little finger. Your daughter, your baby girl.

And despite your otherwise indifference towards any other living things, her pain causes you pain, and you pull her closer to you when she groans softly. “Shhh, it's alright. It's alright. You can do it.” You don't tell her to stop despite your grief; you know the potential she carries, how far her abilities reach. She can suffer briefly for you, she owns you this much. The scent of metal fills your nostrils, her sweat a watered down red against the skin of her face; the blood seems thicker than the water as it drips down her forehead, and you know she is reaching her limits. She needs to push and break it completely, you know, so you pay no mind to how her shirt clings to her body, stained pink from the blood she sweats. She is starting to warm to the touch, shaking slightly in your hold. Suddenly, she stops, and you know she made it.

“That's it. There's a good girl. What do you see, little love?”

“I'm in a bird,” she says, voice distant and unfocused, only your grip keeping her here in this realm still. “A raven, I think. Recently killed.” She jerks, then, before stilling again. “I think I can fly.”

“Good. See how far you can go, tell me all you see.”

She does, your obedient little girl, despite her pain and effort, takes flight and whispers to you all of what she sees and hears. You nudge her on, when pained gasps of mommy and please escapes her lips. She can do this, she can grow strong until she can invade the body of humans, you know she can, she needs ⸻ Her nose and ears start to bleed, her body shaking with stress, and with a hand on her stomach, you finally allow her to let go. She slumps against you when the connection is broken, when she is fred of this terrible thing she doesn't enjoy doing, and you move her hair out of her face, pressing kisses to the side of her head. Her forehead touches the small of your cheekbones, and you simply hold her while she calms herself down.

After a time, her timid shaky voice asks, “Why,” looking at you with those green eyes of hers, the blind trust in them not there anymore. You miss the days she was a child, obedient and quiet, not a single doubt in her head. You can feel her slipping further from your grasps, and you hold her a little closer now.

“My little love,” you whisper, “You have an amazing gift. It would be a shame to see it go to waste.” She wants to argue, you know, from the way her brow frowns and her lips part, but you shush her. The runes you recently carved in her back are bleeding, you notice, and you sigh. “Let's get you cleaned up, my love. You've had enough for today.”

[whoslaurapalmer]

character ask meme: carmelita spats

How I feel about this character: you know, carmelita has grown on me over time?? she's so perfectly annoying (and kids can be annoying! kids can be horrifically cruel to other kids!) but when you really think about her as a character? she's shuffled around by the adults in her life (and by extension, by vfd) just as much as the baudelaires are, she just has an entirely different attitude about it, because she's a different character living different circumstances. she's almost living the reverse of them. she's not (as far as we know??) an orphan when she meets esme and olaf, she's not kidnapped, she chooses to go with them (although she's also definitely convinced by them to do it), to leave her (relatively normal!) life behind for something else that appears to be cooler. she puts her trust in esme and olaf bc they're all operating on like a really surface wavelength of self-important, selfish desires, and they praise her and give her what she wants. because she's just a spoiled child. and she's also living the reverse of isadora and duncan too, again she's not necessarily kidnapped like they are, she's present in esme and olaf's schemes instead of hidden in them, she probably overhears a lot of terrible things like isadora and duncan did but bc she has a different relationship with esme and olaf she's not like, categorizing them as terrible things.

but she IS just a child, in circumstances she hasn't yet realized are difficult and definitely actually traumatizing, and she's going to be stuck in a hotel while it's burning down because of esme and olaf. and i think she's going to struggle a lot after. i think it's going to take her a long time to break out of her spoiled and self-centered mentality and that it's going to be something she'll like, almost violently cling to after the fire as the whole entire new world she was living in with esme and olaf is destroyed, but because she's so young i think she can definitely acknowledge it eventually.

All the people I ship romantically with this character: no one!! not really!! i do not especially ship the kids with any of the other kids, just not something i'm all that interested in thinking about for them

My non-romantic OTP for this character: i don't think i have one!! i think her interacting with the kids post-canon would be interesting but i think it would take a lot for all of them to get there so i'm not sure about like, potential good friendships for her........

My unpopular opinion about this character: idk i think in retrospect the cake sniffing scene in netflix was bad. i don't think we needed an attempt towards an explanation of cakesniffer as an insult, like it can stand on its own as just some silly kid insult that doesn't have to really make sense or have context, and to see her like. sniff the cake and get sugar on her face was like. uncomfortable

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon: hmmmm!! i'm not sure. off the top of my head i can't think of anything specific i wish had happened

[raditzxsthighband]

The Bandit & The Miko ~ Chapter 9: Desperation = Preservation

Out of the blue, part of the weight was removed, and a whistling, snapping sound preceded the sharp cries of an animal in pain. Blood splattered on the ground before Kikyo, and she opened her eyes wide in surprise as the weight lifted from her body entirely, and Kaede was released from the other wolf yokai's grip as well. Kikyo's senses went on high alert, and she turned about sharply, finding her bow on the ground and gripping it tight. 

What she saw contradicted her understanding of the world entirely. A female yokai was standing there while twin rose vines, thorns, and all were unraveling from around the dead wolf yokai and into her palms. Kikyo and the demoness shared a long, silent stare before either one of them addressed the other. 

"Why have you done this?" Kikyo whispered, looking from the dead bodies to their unlikely savior. A yokai that killed other yokai to save, of all people– a priestess whose specialty was purifying their kind. 

The yokai woman knelt before Kikyo with her hands on the ground and bowed in submission. 

"I am in your service, Lady Kikyo. To protect you from all evils–be they demon, human, I shall kill them all." 

"Tell me your name." 

"I am Zenatryx." The yokai hissed, looking up to Kikyo with a caustic yellow stare. Kikyo narrowed her eyes and nudged Kaede behind her protectively. 

"Though I appreciate your assistance, I have not hired you, Zenatryx." 

"No, only Master Naraku tells me what to do. He tells me, 'Follow the Priestess Kikyo through the dark forest and ensure that no harm befalls her.' And I will be forgiven of all my past transgressions." 

Kikyo was silent as she pondered over the statement, attempting to find meaning in it. 

"Who is this 'Naraku' you speak of?" 

"Naraku is my master. His true name I cannot speak. He is the lord of all demons, the white baboon." 

"White baboon…?" Kikyo whispered, looking pensive, before wincing as the wounds on her back began to sting and the realization of how much pain she was actually suffering settled in. 

"Are you hurt, my Lady? You should not stress yourself. Allow Zenatryx to help." The yokai said in a soothing voice and reached out to Kikyo, grasping her wrist. A searing pain like a lightning bolt of energy had gone through her hand, and her skin sizzled, causing her to pull back immediately. Kikyo chuckled softly, about to chide the demon for touching her so foolishly, when she abruptly fell to her knees and collapsed in pain. Kaede held Kikyo protectively as the yokai woman recovered, looking over at the miko curiously. 

"You, little child. Will you help me aid your elder sister? I can not touch her in her state, or else I will be purified. If you would be so kind as to help me, I'm sure your sister will recover from her wounds much quicker." 

Kaede gazed at the strangely exquisite creature with one starry, widened eye and considered what she'd said. She looked down to Kikyo and grimaced upon seeing the bleeding wounds, gulping. She recalled how Kikyo had befriended the half-demon, InuYasha and Kikyo's beliefs on such matters. 

'Yokai are deceptive and cruel. There be much worse than simple men to fear, Kaede.' Kaede recalled Kikyo's words, and yet… It seemed to her that both humans and yokai could either be bad or good. Perhaps she needed to judge for herself. If Zenatryx was truly hired to protect them, it wouldn't make any sense for her to hurt Kikyo, right? 

"Only… if you can promise me that you're not going to hurt her." 

"I promise you, I only intend to keep her safe. This is my duty." Zenatryx said with a grave tone, bowing her head. 

"Ok. So, what do we do now?" 

"I shall teach you the healing arts of the yokai. We work the most fantastic wonders." 

~•o•O•o•~

[octochick]

Biggest regret

Cw suicidal thoughts and attempt, blood, ooc

It was raining. Maybe it was surprising, or maybe not. It doesn't really matter.

Bagi's shoes squelched in the mud, dripping with water and blood. She walks, dodging the fallen bodies, white stained with a vivid red and the ashen mud.

She knows what she is looking for. It is right there, laying down in the mud. Dumb ass, that tank top is white, he'll never be able to get the stains out. At least use something darker, stupid head.

She squats next to him. Now, more than ever, she can feel every single raindrop falling on her. It rolls down her face, mixing with her tears, and fall warmly on the cold ground.

"Hey, can you walk?" She asks, shaking him lightly. He clenches his fists, but otherwise doesn't react.

Still, she gets him up. She puts one of his arms around her neck, and hugs his body onto hers. She starts dragging him, at first slowly as she carries the weight of two, but soon after faster, when he gets tired of being dragged.

"What are you doing?"

"You'll get a cold if you stay in the rain. I'm just taking you to somewhere with cover."

A second, just enough for him to comprehend her words, and then she was thrown to the mud, back connecting with a sharp rock with a sharp crack, one of her hands perforated by a knife and the wrist of the opposite hand broken, a silent scream trying to get out. He is over her, eyes maniac, giggles escaping from his lips.

"Why?"

"...I don't want you to get a cold." She answers, like it makes all the sense in the world.

He laughs, cruel and cold, and twists the knife in her hand. A whimper escapes her.

"When I needed you, you went to the other side, but now you come to me like nothing happened? What are you planning? Do you think I'm stupid?"

A small silence is settled over them. She looks at his eyes. Desperation.

"Yeah, a little bit." His knee meets with her shin, but she doesn't feel anything.

"Aren't you afraid of dying? Why did you suddenly decide to play with the monster?"

If possible, her eyes gets even more teary, fat tears rolling down her face and falling into her ears, making everything feel blurry and muffled, the pain dulling into the background from the pain her heart released upon her.

"You are my biggest regret." This somehow manages to surprise him, the emotion passing by in a second before being hidden by a scowl, but before he could talk, Bagi continued. "I love you so much," her voices breaks, and her breath comes out in small bursts. It feels like hyperventilation. "the only thing I want is for you to have a happy and healthy life, but you are my biggest regret."

"Since you disappeared, you are my biggest regret. You don't understand how much I love you, all I want is to see you happy and healthy, but you also don't understand how deep my regret is."

"Since the first day without you, I wanted to forget you, I wished you were never born. I wished I were never born."

"But I love you so much, that I kept searching. No matter how much my regret said that I should give up, I still kept going."

"You don't know how many times I wished to have been a single child. You have no idea how many times I wished I was dead. You have no idea how many times I thought of going to the Federation and asking them to forget everything about myself, to be reborn just like you once were."

"But I couldn't, I couldn't, I couldn't!"

"Because I love you. I hate it, but I love you."

It was silent. Bagi felt faint, like she would pass out at any moment. She couldn't see what face her brother was making.

"I'm weak. I suffered so much less than you, and I'm so weak. I'm so weak, that I can only beg to my biggest regret."

"Please, kill me. Kill me permanently, kill my regrets and my love, please, kill me and free me from my suffering. I'm weak and can't take it anymore."

Bagi was long hyperventilating, violent sobs wrecking her as she finishes ranting, but just now she closed her eyes.

A moment of suspense, and she felt knife's edge at her throat. She sobs, and her blood drowns her. She feels it in her lungs as they desperately try to work, she feels the rain, she feels her broken spine, she feels her stabbed hand, she feels her broken wrist, and she doesn't feel her brother hovering over her dying body.

The moment her body gives up is the moment she respawns.

And she doesn't feel nothing.

It didn't work. She's still alive. Her love is still alive. Her regret is still alive.