#husbands is great but i always get a little bit ill watching it

[columboscreens]

I know you're a Columbo blog and I'm not trying to stir shit up or to cancel a guy who's been dead for a decade (or cancel anyone else for liking him -- I like Peter Falk, I love Columbo, best TV detective ever), but anyway what do you think about the age gap between him and Shera, meeting her when he was around 45 and she was around 23?

not suggesting he was abusive or anything, and I'm aware she was awful later in his life. but I'm asking what your thoughts are on the age gap

it's a completely understandable question with what i believe to be a rather understandable answer.

i didn't know the guy personally. i respect him greatly as an actor, as an artist, and as an overall kind, intelligent, talented man. nearly everyone who interacted with him liked him on a personal level. i'm genuinely bummed that i'll never get to meet him.

but as columbo teaches us, there's often more than meets the eye, especially when it comes to celebrities. so, too, is the case with peter falk.

the short answer is this: if you want a red-hot acting career, a nightfly lifestyle where you hit the town with the boys all the time, and any semblance of a normal family life...you kind of have to choose only two of those. peter wanted a woman more in line with the choices he made--which is to say, a hot party girl half his age.

in my eyes, the age and power differences between peter and his second wife, shera danese, are worthy of the eyebrow raise you'd get from most people given those gaps. after all, he was 46 and she was 24. but frankly, at 24 your brain is just about fully grown. and though i can't claim to know, my gut doubts he was out to prey on her or exploit a power dynamic so much as he was trying desperately to reclaim his youth and maintain his carousing lifestyle with--you guessed it--a hot party girl half his age. tale as old as time.

if you want the long answer with more background and history, read on:

if you don't know it by now, by every account you can possibly read, and in a stark contrast to columbo's devotion to his wife, peter falk was an utterly incorrigible philanderer. i'm not here to judge, nor am i here to armchair the psychology of a guy who's been dead for over a decade, but he definitely had an intoxicating, interminable fixation on women that strongly impinged upon his family life. one account that i'd read implied that he'd been that way since high school; being as charming and attractive as he was, he certainly never suffered a shortage of women wanting to sleep with him. he was simply a man with a natural propensity towards that particular deadly sin, especially coupled with the strong, sometimes negative influences of friends john cassavetes and ben gazzara.

there's some hearsay about his behavior and various involvements with other women, but the fact of the matter is, peter met shera danese while filming mikey and nicky in philadelphia and kept her as a mistress--while very much still married to his first wife, alyce mayo.

peter met alyce at syracuse, dabbling in theatre while earning his master's and trying to find something to do with his life. a petite, dark-haired thing, alyce's bailiwicks were fashion, art, and music; she mainly worked behind the scenes costuming and would later go on to design high-end fabric patterns and teach piano. in this instance, she happened to be understudying as one of the sprites in a school performance of shakespeare's the tempest.

he was very attracted to her disposition, artistic skill, and free spirit, though he hadn't yet worked up the nerve to ask her out. but don't let me tell you, let peter:

so he was like "Haha Hell Yeah Up Mine" and in love they fell for nearly three decades.

the two were uniquely close in that they connected very well as friends aside from being romantically entwined. they traveled together, supported each other's careers, and he valued her judgement; even after their divorce, he continued to go to her for advice. it's probably part of why they stayed together for so long, trying desperately to make everything work, despite the numerous strains put on their marriage.

but even on their wedding day, alyce had doubts. it'd taken peter nine years of dating to propose to her, and that was due in part to pressure from his parents to grow up and settle down. he'd always enjoyed the company of other women and spending nights carousing with his buddies, and he was never quite as keen as she on the idea of raising a family.

they actually, in a rather impressive feat, seemed to make things work for them through the 50s and 60s as peter kickstarted his acting career. when he hopped around on various location shoots, oftentimes she was able to travel with him. he wasn't massively busy like he became in the late 60s-70s for obvious reasons. they didn't have kids. but even then alyce had made concessions and sacrifices--her career in nyc and his all over the place meant they had to work hard to keep things together.

alyce and peter tried for children, but she struggled greatly. by the early 70s, they'd adopted two girls, jackie and catherine. peter had always loved children, and very clearly loved his daughters, but it was equally clear that his family life suffered as a result of his lifestyle.

he continued traveling for work, though by that point alyce was unable to accompany him as easily because of the children, and as she well knew, he often fell prey to the various temptations that surrounded him. she felt trapped, and with the offer of stability that was columbo, the family settled in LA in a final attempt to spread roots.

unfortunately, the only thing that spread was the cracks in their marital foundation. gazzara and cassavetes, legendary as their friendship was, seemed to play a role in enabling peter's hedonistic behavior, bringing out night after night the boy who only longed to party and philander til dawn.

by 1973, while filming mikey and nicky in philadelphia, peter saw shera walking down the street, and that was that. she followed him to LA and remained his mistress until, despite attempts at reconciliation, alyce had finally had enough and kicked peter out of the house in '76. they divorced the same year, and peter and shera were married the very next.

but it wasn't long before peter's second marriage became even more turbulent than his first. as it turns out, it's awfully hard to teach an old dog new tricks. he'd continued his lifelong pattern of unfaithful behavior during his marriage to shera, except this time he wasn't as beholden to his family. he could never really figure out how to keep his hands to himself, by which she, as his long-term mistress, was somehow blindsided.

there was, too, the unforseen limitation of them not only being from two completely different generations, but also not being able to agree on literally anything. everything was a fight with them. most interviews and media you can find of the two of them poke fun at their constant discord, but it's always palpable.

for emphasis, in the columbo episode murder of a rock star, shera and peter got into one of their trademark massive fights and she stormed off the set, refused to finish her scenes, and left to go clothes shopping. when some of the crew went to retrieve her, she refused to return, so they had to rewrite and film the final scene around her. and if you've watched the episode, you can definitely tell.

when asked what the two had in common, they always said "we both like the color blue" as perhaps some sort of inside joke for not actually having much in common, but they were so well-known for their heated blowouts that they came to be known in hollywood as the "fighting falks". they upheld that namesake well: the two separated several times and attempted to divorce twice. they did, at the very least, remain married until his death.

so there you have it. aside from the fact that this relationship was an egregious display of infidelity, do i think the age gap was particularly healthy? were they well suited where it mattered most? did it fix peter falk's midlife crisis? i'm in no position to judge. draw your own conclusions from the information given.

was their relationship wrong simply by virtue of that gap? i don't think so.

[heroloverangel]

Good Morning

Ingenium remains #1 on the list of characters who deserve more screentime.

You’ve never been a morning person, but this is ridiculous. For weeks now, you’ve woken up every day feeling nauseous beyond belief. Every meal has become a 50/50 chance of your stomach rebelling and sending you running for the nearest bathroom and you’re rapidly getting tired of it. You knew pregnancy wasn’t going to be easy, but you assumed you’d get to enjoy at least a little bit of those wacky cravings instead of gagging at the sight of most normal foods.

You stagger out of bed this morning, just like every other morning this week, into the kitchen and drop heavily into a chair at the table. Tensei’s been awake for awhile; coffee is just the latest item on the list of smells that make you queasy, and he’s been great about drinking it as far away from you as possible. “Hey,” he smiles over at you from his place at the stove and you groan back weakly. “You having another rough morning?”

You give a dismissive shrug. “I still feel like garbage, but it’s better than yesterday.”

He nods and reaches for a pan. “At least that’s something. Think you can handle some breakfast?” You weren’t hungry a minute ago, but your stomach rumbles at the suggestion and he laughs. “I take it you want your usual?”

Your usual at this point is just plain eggs with no seasoning. There aren’t many foods you’re able to reliably keep down when you wake up, but a boring plate of eggs is certainly the most convenient. You’re not unreasonable enough to demand freshly grilled salmon every morning, and you’d just feel bad sending him out for those chocolate-stuffed croissants from the cafe a few blocks away that always has a line out the door in the mornings. You’re more than happy enough with your bland scramble made with love by your adoring husband.

Or at least you would be, if your stomach didn’t choose today to betray you yet again. One moment you’re sitting peacefully at the table watching Tensei stir a spatula around the pan, and the next moment you catch the scent of the frying eggs and have to actively fight your gag reflex. Without a word you lurch out of your chair and rush for the bathroom, illness rising higher in your throat with every second. “This sucks,” you wail to him across the house between heaves; you know he’s busy with the fire hazard on the stove and only vaguely hear him yell back a sympathetic response.

After twenty minutes you pry yourself away from the anchor that is your toilet, gargle half a bottle of mouthwash, and then collapse back into your bed. Tensei reappears soon enough with a tray for you, only toast and ginger ale, and you sulk as you pick at your new breakfast while he rubs your back soothingly. “I wish I could do something to help.”

You relax into his touch and sigh. “I wish there was anything you could do. The doctor said it should pass in a couple more weeks and we’ve just got to wait it out.”

He runs a hand through your disheveled hair. “For what it’s worth, I think you’re doing a great job handling this. I know it can’t be easy.”

You smile faintly and cuddle closer against him. “Oh no, it’s awful. But I’ve got the best hero in the world giving me plenty of support.”

“Best hero, huh?” His grin matches your own, and you can feel his stubble when he leans over to kiss your cheek. “If you’re already that impressed, I guess I didn’t need to call the cafe and order some of those croissants.”

You force yourself to swallow the bite of toast you just put in your mouth. “Hey now, I didn’t say that.”

You’ve always loved his laugh. “Think you can wait about thirty minutes for them?”

“That’s a big ask,” you tease and take a small sip of your ginger ale. You know it’s supposed to help with nausea, but you drink so much of it you’re starting to hate the taste. “I’m guessing your brother wouldn’t be willing to speedrun them over, huh?”

Tensei’s eyes crinkle with happiness at your joke, “You know that sense of humor is just one of the many reasons I married you.”

“Oh really? You know we’ve got thirty minutes, we’ve got time for you to tell me all the other reasons.”

You’ll be the first to admit that this morning didn’t exactly get off to a great start. Now though, as you curl up in your husband’s arms with his pipes positioned safely out of your way, your mood’s improved significantly. There’s a cool breeze coming in from the window with the morning sunshine, and you get the feeling you’ll doze off before the food arrives. You don’t mind that idea, you know your precious croissants will be waiting for you when you wake up.

You let out a yawn and blink up at him. “Love you, Ten.”

“I love you too. Go ahead and get some rest, you two need it.” His voice is soft, and the last thought you have before you fall back asleep is that no one else in the world could ever make you this happy.

[trailerparkmusings]

Drabble about Eddie trying on a jockstrap for the first time. Steve put an outfit out for him that he really wants to see his husband wear, and those leatherpants will not work with his usual boxers.

Inspo:

CW: Daddy used as a pet name for Eddie, suggestive, mentions of dicks, mentions of fucking but nothing explicit. Future fic. 40 year old Steddie.

With every passing second it becomes more and more obvious to Eddie that it's been a while since he's worn anything but comfortably worn out bandshirts and his trusty tanks and overalls.

Putting on a jockstrap of all things feels so profoundly wrong that Eddie can't help but giggle as the pulls them up over his hips and nestles his dick safe and sound into the pouch of it.

Steve's gotten him a black one, because he's a sweetheart like that, so at least Eddie doesn't have to watch the pale skin around his groin be swallowed up by the starchy white of Steve's straps - A small mercy, that doesn't make that the black, skimpy fabric great, though.

It feels weird seeing the bulge of his dick so contained, and when he turns around to look over his shoulder it feels even weirder to see his ass framed by two cotton straps.

On Steve a jockstrap looks like lingerie - Pretty bulging dick, dark curly pubes and white, broad cotton lifting his ass higher, framing it as if in invitation for Eddie to look and touch.

On Eddie, however, they remind him of the leather harness he bought when he was younger. Ill fitting and too dark against his skin, accentuating the flatness of his body and wearing him rather than having him wear it.

Well, he snorts at the mental image of his past self compared to him now, at flat might not be the right word for him anymore nowadays.

His stomach has rounded out, his shoulders are heavier than when he was a kid. His ass - He frowns again, giving it a light smack and pulling at the bottom of his cheeks. - It's rounder than it was 20 years ago, he supposes. Some of his weight managed to finally settle around his hips and ass, but he never quite managed to get rid of the permanent clenched look that's been his staple for decades.

It's nothing that ever bothered him, he has always been comfortable in his own body. And the only person who had to be into it definitely was, so he feels a bit pissed about how weird it is to have it framed like this.

It's just fabric. He's worn skirts, and dresses before. Panties, a few times, because Steve's still sometimes hung up about gender and Eddie likes helping him, showing him how little rules matter in the end.

So it's bullshit, really, how weird he feels right now. He groans, rubs his face.

Seems like he needs some words of affirmation, or at least a check in to see whether he's uncomfortable or just unsure.

He shuffles to the bedroom door and knocks, loudly. The chatter in the living room stops, and after a few seconds of silence the doorknob lowers and Steve presses himself through the doorframe.

"You okay, Teddy? You don't need to hurry, I know I've sprung the outfit on you last second -"

He sounds worried, but not enough to keep talking once his eyes actually find Eddie.

It's ridiculous, the way he raises his brows and bites his lip. How he gives him a double once over and an appreciative whistle that has Eddie roll his eyes, but jut his chest out just a tiny bit.

Sue him, he's a sucker for the way Steve looks at him.

"Hello, handsome," his husband purrs, "Why don't you give me a little twirl, daddy?"

"For what? I'm basically naked, Steve. You know what I look like."

Steve shrugs, takes his glasses off to clean them with the hem of his shirt as if he's about to try and read one of Robin's letters that she's lately been obsessed with sending.

When he puts them back on he squints down at Eddie's jockstrap, then up at him.

"Hmh, no. No, to me it looks like you are wearing something. Something I picked out for you, which means," his hands find Eddie's hips, and he presses closer until their lips are meeting in a chaste little kiss, "that I've got every right to see if I picked the right size. So, scram. Twirl. Gimme a show, daddy."

He slaps Eddie's ass, a gentle tap that has Eddie's eyes close in a moment of possessive bliss, and then he steps back.

Eddie is helpless to do as he asked, turns around and immediately gets stopped before he can finish showing off.

A hot body presses against his back, fingers snap the straps on his ass and soft lips trail kisses up his neck.

It startles a laugh out of him, too loud given that they've got guests sitting a few feet away behind their bedroom door, but Steve just grins.

"You didn't even look properly," Eddie mumbles into the palm of his hand. It was the wrong - right - thing to say, because Steve hums and presses between his shoulder blades until Eddie stumbles forward against the wall.

"Am I being arrested, officer?"

He's joking, staying still and spreading his legs just a bit because he knows that Steve will appreciate it.

"Maybe for public indecency, yeah. Eddie, God, you look so good. I wish I could stay. You could put me on my knees, maybe..." HD trails off, fingers ghosting over Eddie's ass, "Yeah, this was a great idea."

Eddie snorts at the awe in his husband's voice, tries not to react to the image of his pup on his knees.

A hand finds its way back to Eddie's hip, gentler fingers stroking along the crack of his butt, joining the dark straps in framing it.

Eddie let's him play for a minute longer, and then he slowly turns around.

"Hands off, cowboy," Steve's hands immediately leave a cold emptiness behind, and Eddie pulls at them until they're resting back on his hips as soon as he's leaning back against the wall. This time he gets to look at Steve.

At his wireframe glasses, and his short sleeved polo that's biting into his biceps like a prelude to what Eddie will do to them later. The first buttons are popped open, exposing tantalizing slivers of thick chest hair that Eddie has to forcefully cover with his own hand to be able to make eye contact.

"I was going to ask you if you'd be very disappointed of I went commando after all ," he admits. His free hand trails up Steve's neck, thumb pressing into the short beard he's started to grow lately, and then traveling back, back, until he's cradling his head. With a smile he notes that Steve's put his earring in, silver, simple, tantalizing like everything else about him.

Steve frowns at his words, but stays still. Leans into Eddie's palm with clear distaste at the idea of Eddie taking off the jockstrap.

Pervert.

He grins, leans forward for a quick peck against pouty, pink lips.

"But," another kiss, because he's an addict for the sweet sigh it gets him, "with how much this is driving you wild I suppose I can suffer a few hours in mock jockness."

"Thank God."

The utter honesty with which Steve says it has Eddie cackle, and soon he's joined by Steve's little snorts.

it's nice, he thinks, laughing chest to chest. Maybe we don't have to go out, maybe we can stay in and -

"Steve, you two better aren't fucking in there after I spend money on coming back home to see you."

Robin's distraught voice is loud, the banging of her flat palm against the door louder. In the background he can hear laughter - Jeff's booming laugh, and Freak's weird creepy giggles being enough to set Steve and Eddie off again.

"Not fucking!" Steve yells back with a smile, "Just had to help the hubby feel  confident in his new clothes."

"That sounds a lot like fucking to me."

Robin's frown is loud enough to have Steve burry his face in Eddie's neck in laughter.

Eddie pats him, calmingly, despite his own grin, and then - because he's a great husband and an amazing friend - he slowly pushes Steve toward the door.

"Go take care of our guests, ma'am," Steve rolls his eyes, sticks his tongue out as if he were 20 and not 41, "and I'll finish playing dress up. 15 minutes, okay? And then I'll be all yours."

"15 minutes and like, 5 hours." Steve corrects him, but he smiles and opens the bedroom door.

"You better be wearing all of what I got you later. I'm not ashamed to check in the bathroom stall of whatever club Rob is driving us to."

The door closes in it's hinges, but Eddie can still hear the disgusted groans coming from their living room.

He grins, takes another look into the mirror. Maybe the jockstrap isn't so bad, he muses, it will certainly make wearing the fucking leather pants, that he's been trying to ignore for the past 20 minutes now, much easier.

[ashironie]

OKOKOK I DONT KNOW IF ILL MAKE IT BUT I NEED SOMEONE TO SO!

Pokémon!LMK!!!!!

Firstly this is going to be ESPECIALLY inspired by the anime since I’m watching it rn. And I barely know anything about Pokémon soooooooo….

ONTO THE AU IDEA

Mk gets woken up by Mei who wanted to be at his house to scare him when he got back from the poke-lab to get his pokemon, and the both realize he’s late as shit.

When they finally get there this really weird dude that’s obviously in a disguise is like “I’m the professor or doctor or smth I don’t really know, your late, have this random guy”

MK’s like, I’ll take what I can get, and takes Pokémon out it his pokeball (which is really intricately designed, especially the red bits, with a whole bunch of fire stuff) and it turns out to be a Chimchar which the professor seemed really impressed by (not the Chimchar part the part where Mk could get him out of the ball).

Also there was this one Pokémon master who’s main guy was an Infernape (the third evolution stage of Chimchar) and so Mk was like really excited about this.

They go on their adventure (Mei’s not old enough to have a Pokémon yet, but she wants to join Mk on his journey and her parents know they couldn’t stop her if they tried [and they did]) and meet their first gym, a fire gym.

✨Redson✨

MK’s got some more Pokémon at this point but starts out with Chimchar, in the same ball that he was originally in. Redson accuses Mk of stealing, Mk denies, they get into a bigger fight and turns out professor sketchy face was Sun Wukong (the aforementioned great trainer Mk likes so much [plot twist of the century]) “stole it” and gave it to Mk and now Redson is following Mei and Mk around like team rocket.

(Long story short, Sun Wukong breed another Chimchar and put him in a ball that could only be opened by someone worthy, someone Sun Wukong would train. Then either Redson seemed like a good candidate, couldn’t open it, and then they all got huffy he couldn’t so they kept him [until SWK stole him back] or DBK, PIF, and Redson just stole it [because it’s so powerful blah blah blah])

So now that’s happening, Mk is in touch with Sun Wukong, his dad Pigsy, and his dad’s husband Tang. Then Pigsy (being worried about his son) calls his old friend Sandy to help them (he’s a water type Pokémon breeder). This whole thing can happen before or after Mk meets Redson but yk (probably before but I was too excited about Redson).

Mei’s parents are visiting the town their in (on totally unrelated business what do you mean???) and woo yay it was Mei’s 10th birthday a little bit ago and now her parents asked her to watch over this one intricate pokeball (it’s green and while with dragon designs on the green bit).

One of Redsons Pokémon tries to steal it, but with the help from the Rayquaza inside the ball, Mei is able to defeat them. Mei says sorry to her parents for opening the pokeball, they say their proud of her and we’re gonna get it to her anyway (when she was older, but Mei always had a way with ruining their plans). Something something family.

I honestly don’t know too much yet (might reblog this later with more thoughts on the AU) but I do know I want Redson to go to Mk and Mei’s side (also Sandy is there) and maybe have like a Toph/Brock arc????? Again I don’t really know

I was specifically imagining that Redson actually deeply cares about his Pokémon and has nicknames for all of them, but only catches fire types. Aside from and Eevee who he plans to make into a Flareon but ends up accidentally making into a Sylveon because he coddles him too much or smth. Arc about him trying to find what makes him happy and trying to get his parents to not cut him out of their life pretty please with a cherry on top.

But that’s all I got so far…

[honoringthehorrific]

I watched Pearl before X and here's what I thought...

XXX Tonight's review is a lengthy one so as always, Remember...Spoilers ahead! XXX

I think I would tell anyone who hasn't seen X to stop, figure out when they have free time, go to your local theater and buy a ticket for Pearl before hearing anything I have to say about anything.

This movie won my heart tenfold. It was complicated at first but visually I loved it. I loved all the cute little jokes about the spanish influenza and how it mirrored our own pandemic. This movie is horribly and beautifully tragic and if I may peel back a bit of the barrier we have and get a bit personal, it was also relatable. Pearl wants more from life. She loves her family and friend, she loves her husband, but she wants more. She is very mentally ill and has a lot of responsibilities that she really didn't ask for... (Personal junk feel free to skip this paragraph if its uncomfortable to know more about me or if its too distracting from the review.) I related so horribly to pearl. She is pressured to give up her dreams and stay home, to take care of her invalid father and help her mother. When coming to college my father guilted me relentlessly. I needed to stay home. Focus on helping my grandfather. Forget college and spend my life at home caring for my grandfather, caring or any new offspring he decided to churn out with my step mother, and ultimately care for him when he became old. Every slip along the way was cannon foder. It was constantly about how selfish I was, or how stupid I was...and every conversation pearl had with her mother hit strings in my heart far too close to home. My grandfather wants me at school...But also hearing pearl talk to her father before she is about to sacrifice him made my heart bleed. She wished that he would just die already so she wouldn't feel like she was abandoning him...And while I can't say I've not had those awful thoughts I can say the guilt she keeps feeling tug of war-ed with is so deeply real and accurate and painful...

The way the events unfold is so artfully done. I dont believe I'd ever seen a Ti West movie before this but If this is anything like the rest of his work I think he would be one of my favorite writers/directors. Pearl's behaviors, the guilt she feels, her reactions feel so natural and real and while part of that is the beautiful writing, I believe it's also dependent on Mia Goth's wonderful acting. She truly sells this character and her struggles to you in a gorgeous bright red package. I loved the visual elements from the old movies, the old fonts and the way the credits looked like the westerns I sit on the couch with my grandpa to watch. The special effects, the way things rot and decay in such repulsively beautiful visuals. The dresses, the scenery, this whole movie shows you what it is.

Pearl's mental health is greatly impacted by her life and surroundings. From living in poverty to her mother's no hand outs way of thinking. Everything affects pearl. The relationship between her and her mother is extremely interesting to me. Pearl longs to dance and be famous and her mother begs her to put her dreams to rest. Her mother shows great distain for pearl's dreams and as the movie reaches climax, distain for pearl herself. Something that pushes pearl over the already far gone edge. Pearl gets this satisfying moment after her mother accidentally gets burnt alive where she spits her own harsh words back at her mother before running off. Her mental illness spikes when she sleeps with a projectionist she met a few days prior. Theres hope that he will pluck her up and take her away from this horrible mess she's made.

I was so interested to see how pearl handles abandonment and a little embarassed to feel her reactions were relatable. The way she begs the projectionist to know what she did. How angry she gets and how she screams her words into a slurry at him. When he tells her she is frightening him how personally she takes it. How when she gets to the dance auditions her mask has slipped off entirely. Telling mitsy her sister in law that the winner has to be her. There is no other way. This is the only way she can get away. Getting to the stunning monologue scene....She confesses everything she's done to mitsy. All her dark feelings...All the times shes wished people died...All the thoughts of killing. How she longs to go back to how things were but also how she feels the people in her life have slighted her. After all of this she starts speaking to mitsy directly about her fears in what I think speaks to me as someone with mental illness the most. "Do people like you feel this way? I figure you don't. You seem so perfect all the time. Lord must have been generous to you. He never answers any of my prayers. I don't know why. What did i do? What is wrong with me?...Please just tell me so i can get better. I don't wanna end up like mama. - I want what they have so badly. To be perfect. To be loved by as many people as possible. To make up for all my time spent suffering. Sometimes i lie awake in the middle of the night and the fear washes over me because what if this is it. What if this is where I belong...I'm a failure. - I dont know why what did i do? - I hate what it feels like to be me and not you. I'm so scared that when you get home you'll see me and be frightened like everyone else is - I hurt them so they too might know how it feels to suffer but poor daddy...He didn't deserve that. I wish i hadn't done what i did...Mama meant well. - I thought i hated her but i just wanted to feel safe too."

When Mitsy goes to leave Pearl keeps asking if she will tell...Like so many of us who spill our horrible thoughts to the people we trust. Begging them to not tell. Begging them to only see us the way they did before we slipped. Asking Mitsy if she is frightened by the things she heard...Asking Mitsy if she think's shes sick.

Things come to a bigger head when mitsy realizes pearl knows she won the audition. Pearl bitterly remarks that Mitsy always gets what she wants... Mitsy has to leave soon after and pearl gives chase. Once Mitsy is dispatched of pearl makes quick work to clean things up. Make them like they once were. Placing her father and mother at the dinner table to eat the rotten maggot infested pig we've been seeing on their porch to show us the passage of time. It reminds me of a child playing pretend...Of maybe myself in some uncomfortable ways...Watching someone so sick trying to pick up broken pieces and force them back into place like before knowing that too many pieces have chipped off in the process of breaking and they will never be the way they once were.

Her husband howard comes home horrified at the scene before him and we get to watch pearl choke back tears as she grins at her husband. Staring at her fear reflected back at her. That he truly is horrified. That maybe saving herself for his return was the wrong course of action. That this life is truly all she has. We get to see this horrific tear filled smile tremble uncomfortably. A similar look we might give to ourselves passing our reflection durring a bloody red faced break down. A sort of bandaid on the matter. A grin to try and trick your brain into thinking everything is fine.

I left the theater wanting more. I left the theater thrilled to see X and even more thrilled for the third installment Maxxxine. I'm hoping the other installments are as phenomenal as this one even if they dont tug at those same painful strings. Over all i'd give this movie a 10/10. It was beautiful and confusing and heart wrenching and makes me wonder how our pearl has aged in this first installment.

[bardic-tales]

I don't feel like socializing today. I'm sure that sometime next week I will feel like it.

tw: grief and grieving. illness mention. death. graphic description of a cancer

I'm still in shock and grieving.

I'll answer any games or dms tomorrow. I'm sorry. I just feel numb now, and I can't really process my emotions, I guess. Feel like I am just floating on air. Each breath hurts, but I try to put on a brave face. I haven't felt like this since I found out about my grandfather's cancer in 2021. 🥀

I just want to say right now: cancer sucks. I researched more. Cats with his type of cancer will only last a year. . .and that is 10% of them. There has been so much death and illness in my and my husband's family starting in October of last year. His 16 year old cousin died in a car accident. The driver has been charged with vehiclar manslaughter. She was the only one who passed.

My cousin just had a son. He has Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome and we thought we were going to lose him in March. He is 6 months, and has been in the hospital more times than out. When he is 5, he will need a heart transplant.

Then, there is Loki. I had thought that I would have so many years left with him. He was a very affectionate cat, followed me everywhere. We first got him ten years ago. He had an abscess on his forehead when we first adopted him. I spent nights trying to make him comfortable, trying to get him to eat when he stopped. I even fed him out of one of the syringes that they give to administer oral medicine for cats.

When I had my migraines, he would not leave my bed. He would snuggle up to my side and purr or sleep on my pillow and wrap his tail around my neck. I was always put to sleep by his purring.

We adopted Fenrir for him as we thought that he could use a buddy. Then, we got Cookie. Now, we have Sky -- who turned out to be a little boy. Sky is the stray kitten that used the last bit of his energy to pull himself up our porch steps and cry outside of our kitchen door. He has stripes in his ginger fur like Loki. Do you think that Loki even though he hasn't passed yet sent him to us to make that time easier.

Aside from the tumor in his gums, Loki still wants to live and his QoL is great. He still eats, still drinks, still goes to the restroom regularly, and plays. The downside is that the tumor is black, turning that side of his mouth black, including the skin where his whiskers are, and it will occasionally bleed. I think it was a textbook case for that. The vet took one look and agreed that it was this cancer...this aggressive cancer. I just wish I could rewind time and knew about it and had the vet check for it when he had his first seizure. . .

What we need to watch out for is that he is still eating and that he is able to breath. He is still losing weight. Loki weighed 14 pounds in December. He is now down to 10 1/2 pounds. We weigh him every week.

If you are reading this, thank you so much for listening to me ramble. I feel better but I still feel numb.

[let-the-living-beware]

(^◕ᴥ◕^) - 𝓒𝓪𝓽 𝓖𝓱𝓸𝓼𝓽 - (^◕ᴥ◕^)

This is inspired by the vocaloid song 或る化け猫の恋物語 (The lovestory of a cat ghost) by Nem.

Character: Kou Mukami

Type: x reader (neutral)

Tw: Violence, Death

(^˵◕ω◕˵^)👻(^˵◕ω◕˵^)👻(^˵◕ω◕˵^)👻(^˵◕ω◕˵^)👻

Your slow cries echoed throughout the cemetery, attracting the attention of a small black cat. He recognized you from around the village. Your husband became ill a few years ago, and you dedicated your life to raising funds for a doctor. Nonetheless, you always fed him a portion of your meal.

Something in him awoke as he stared at you longer and longer. Sadness was something he had never felt before. He didn't want you to cry, but rather to be happy. "I want her to be happy again." he whispered and with a slight light arising from his chest he turned into your husband, a handsome young man with blonde hair and light blue eyes. "Hey, neko-chan," he said as he approached you. When you heard his words, you turned around, stunned. You walked slowly towards him but collapsed before you could reach him, bursting into even more of a crying mess than before. "You are alive. Please, never leave me again." you cried out.

Kou kneeled down and hugged your fragile body that was shaking uncontrollably. "I wont." he whispered just so loud you could hear it. "I am so glad you´re back, Kou." you spoke out while watching inhis blue eyes. A thought creeped into Kous mind. Maybe this wasn´t a good idea?

≼❣→𝕹𝖞𝖆𝖓←❣≽

Kou slowly looked over to you making breakfast like every morning for a month now. He learned to love you more and more but not as a lover, as a friend. He wanted to protect you and make you the happiest person on earth. "Breakfast is ready, darling." you cheered as you walked towards him with miso soup in your hands. You still hadn´t had much money but still tried to make the best out of it. "I will go down town to sell some of the clothes I made. They are getting more and more popular you know? If only they were back when you were so terribly ill." you sighed and took a sip of your soup. The blonde haired boy looked at you in confusion. He always thought someone else made these clothes and you would just sell them. "That´s great! How about I come and help you?" , "Oh god no, darling. You still need some rest!" You instantly contered with a concerned look at your face.

It was fine by him, after all were dirty hands the worst of it all. But maybe he could have promoted it a bit since he didn´t look bad. He would call himelf beautiful even, way out of your league. When your real husband was still around he always wondered why you were together in the first place. He seemed pretty well liked by some of the more wealthier girls in town. It was a riddle to him. "Well I need to get going, until later." you smiled and said a quick goodbye when you left. Kou stood in the doorframe until he couldn´t see you and then closed the door to have some privacy. Now it was time to relax a bit and find out more about your relationship.

Well at least that´s what he wanted to do but the blonde was disturbed by a knock on the door. A little bit annoyed at his disturbed peace he turned around and opened the door only to find two men in front of it. "Is this the Mukami household?", they asked, a threatening aura around them. "Yes." was Kou´s short answer. The men smiled at each other. "We´re here to get the money back that your wife lend the Sakamaki family."

Sakamaki? He heard that name somewhere before. Weren´t that these arrogant Yokai that made themselves comfortable in the human world? His older brother was complaining about them a few times. But why would you owe them anything? This would only be possible if...no. You were smart enough to not take on debts from spiritually beings. That must´ve been a mistake.

"I am sorry but you must have got the wrong family.", he answered, and the men looked at each other again but this time with a hush of anger on their faces. "I doubt that, mister but if you won´t comply we have to take trastic meassures." the stronger one said and pulled out a sword. Kous mood was now ruined completely. If they wouldnt back up he had to make a move. "Hear, you scumbag I dont want you messing around with them. They are in enough stress as is and if you wont back away now I will kill you." his voice now seemed deeper and not as cheerful as before. He also let his tail and ears show. "and now piss off.", with that last sentence a whosh of magic stormed through them instantly putting them to the ground. But he still wasn´t done, he finally could let out the things he wasn´t able to do on anyone in your presence. "Lets have some fun, what do you say?"

≼❣→𝕹𝖞𝖆𝖓←❣≽

"I´m back honey!" you shouted into the house. Something seemed off but you just blamed it on your imagination. "Neko-chan you´re late. I was gonna go look for you." Kou walked towards you with his hand spread out to give you a hug. "Haha sorry I was talking to Subaru-kun. I lent some money from them some time ago and he was checking up on me." you smiled at them and Kous hunch that these guys were thiefs that caught on, on your debt confirmed itself. Still he was somehow mad that you had such a good relation with one of the Sakamaki. "Oh thats nice!" he relied to you adn took your hand. "You know I made a surprise for you.", "Really?" you asked exited. It was sometime that you got anything and Kou knew that.

He took your hand and led you towards the kitchen. On the table was whole meal he decided to make for you after beating up these robbers. Your eyes shone in exitement as you sat down on the table. kou walked towards the kitchen counter to get the last ingredient that had to be kept warm to taste good. "You know Kou." you began stopping said male in his tracks. The moon already shone through the window and his eyes lit up in the two colors they really were. "Everytime I looked into your eyes I remembered that his looked different than yours but I dont care." you finished your sentence and it hit Kou like a rock.

He began to shiver uncontrollably and tears formed in his eyes. So you knew? Before he could think twice his legs already gave in ans you run over to him. Tears streamed down his eyes like a never ending waterfall. He felt your embrace but it was already to late. Only seconds went by before he was his true self again. A little blonde cat with a blue and red eye. He never wanted you to see him like this. He never wanted you to find out. Ashamed, sad and angry of himelfs he ran towards the one open window but not before you couls speak your last words to him.

"I thank you so much dear Cat."

To this day there is a legend of a blonde cat going up to an old cemetary to watch over the person he once saved.

[royaltozaki]

no yeah, i felt kinda stupid after writing that I liked children and had a good relationship with them to justify not liking the movie- it should be common sense. I said that mostly cuz when i read comments about the movie a lot of people were saying that they didn't like it cuz they were parents or worked with kids so it was disgusting for them to see that thing portrayed on the big screen. And yeah, imo i think this also leads into the "I like younger women" discourse where 40 year old men say that they prefer to be with an 18 year old because they're more 'innocent' (which is just so idiotic and disgusting cuz they're chasing this 'purity' that is just- ) No like, that piece of media/literature is actually really good cuz it talks about some stuff that is really important to understand. Imo it's a good literary piece (specially cuz it has an unreliable narrator) even tho it deals with really heavy topics. The thing is, this thing being popularized during the bear vs man discourse is so harmful because of those men who then go on to shame Ellen and generalize her experience. Then when women say that they can relate to an extent her character and feel more empathetic to her case THEY GO BALLISTIC? LIKE OH NO WOMEN ARE RELATING TO WOMEN???? And like, it wasn't her choice per se? she had no other choice and it wrecked her. The narrator of the story after that is always resenting her for doing that AS IF IT WAS HER CHOICE, LIKE- and yes fr. Tbh, I've grown tired of talking about the sex work industry with some men cuz it's just disgusting talking about it with them cuz some are so out of touch that it's horrifying. I forgot but I rly agree w you on the lust and anger thin separation Like, it's the same with love and hate? In a way? Like, for example, Hamlet is a great example of both (btw I hate him, he's a little bitch. If you like him I'm sorry, not really, but yeah) cuz he goes from loving someone to hating/despising them in a second. Like, in the play with ophelia it's all "oh but he really thought she was going to betray him!" Yeah so him being a little bitch, an asshole and a big misogynist saying she was being prostituted by her own father is ok😀 or him saying that she should go to indeed prostitute herself cuz she isn't pure is ok (this was all stuff GROWN MEN IN MY CLASS SAID) And also, in this line of thought of lust and anger, Hamlet (play) deals with pseudo-incest and incest themes😭 like so many innuendos it's honestly surprising how many people in my class never pointed it out? But like, Hamlet is constantly talking about his uncle and his mother's sex life (he's obsessed) and he hates them so much for it, especially his mother. There is a scene tho, where he goes to confront her and he says that he had once loved her and would love her still if she had not 'bed' her husband's brother. But it's so full of sexual innuendo on his part- like he's attracted to her? But he's also always wishing her ill. Idk it's really weird and when you talked about lust and anger I remembered this

This might be a bit confusing😭 I just woke up from my nap (I love being on break. It's the best thing ever)

ALSO HOW ARE YOU

HAHAHAHA NO ITS NOT CONFUSING I LOVE HEARING UR THOUGHTS ur so right on everything again 🗣️🗣️ and i never studied hamlet actually or watched anything to do w hamlet AHHSHAHA and im sorry? hamlet wanted to fuck his mom what 😭 i wonder if freud read hamlet he woulda had a field day

IM OKAAAAYYYYYY its getting closer to finals so ive been buzy trying not to fail 😫 im going to a friends birthday tmr tho and the theme is ‘overdressed’ WHICH EATS i love that theme its kinda giving met gala but we care abt palestine KSKDKSKA but i still havent decided what ill be wearing yet but thats sth im looking forward to 😁 HRUUUUU!!??

[noahjo]

Tokyo Story

I greatly enjoyed Ozu’s, Tokyo Story, and the story being told. More importantly, the characters in this movie and their dynamics with each other is a fascinating jump into a family that grows older and distant. In terms of setting, the plot occurring exactly 8 years after WW2 is also fascinating. Postwar Japan is not something I ever looked much into and it’s interesting to have characters mention how the war had influenced their lives. The majority of the movie does take place in Tokyo, mainly in the homes of the many characters. The bits we get to see of Tokyo in the year 1952 are very intriguing, and I wish I could have seen more of the city and the people’s lives. This is the second black and white film I’ve ever watched, and It’s definitely a great one at that. I find the lack of color to be very charming. I love the feeling of watching an old movie and immersing myself in what life was like then. 

The toughest pill to swallow watching this movie is its runtime and the many scenes that felt a little bit too long. I felt that there were scenes and long takes that could have cut just a few seconds which would have helped the pacing. An example is a scene in Shige's salon where her husband has a scene (that feels very long) where he does some mundane work. In my eyes, it didn’t necessarily add anything to the film. After going through scenes here or there that have the same issue, I came to the realization that this movie is something of a “slice of life” film much like I Was Born, But. These two films want to portray life itself, the mundane, the exciting, and the complexity sprinkled through it all. Ozu even does these close-up shots where two characters that are having a conversation will completely face and talk to the camera, and swap between the actors to emulate a conversation, instead of having two characters talk on screen at the same time. It was strange because it felt like at times they were talking and looking at me. I believe this was on purpose, if Ozu wants us to see life itself, he would want us to view them as real people as well. I began to see real people in the characters on the screen and with how the story concluded, I felt sad at how realistic it was.

The story was moving, and very real. A family will always grow distant, as children grow into adults and have families and lives of their own. Tokyo Story takes this natural progression in life and presents it in its rawest form. An old couple travels to Tokyo from far away to visit their children and grandchildren but isn’t met with the treatment as expected. Their children are busy, too busy to show them the wonders of their city and have meaningful family time. When it is time to leave, the mother falls ill and passes away. The children are shocked at the news back are so ready to move on and get back to the lives they lived. I was shocked at the turnaround of this family, it was something I couldn’t understand. And maybe I’m not, it could be a cultural thing, or it could be just that I’m young and still dependent on my own parents. Watching this was strange because I had recently lost my older brother, and the distance in my family has been something we’re now trying to tackle. It really made me appreciate what I have, and that we need to cherish these moments until one day it is all gone.

[phawareglobal]

Colleen Carroll - phaware® interview 429

Canadian pulmonary hypertension patient, Colleen Carroll was wrongly diagnosed with severe anxiety and asthma before she ever heard the words "pulmonary hypertension." Now she faces each day with a positive attitude, a good diet, exercise regimen, and the power of her faith.  I'm Colleen Carroll. I'm from Canada. I was diagnosed with pulmonary hypertension in 2018. My doctors are from Toronto, Ontario. That's where I go for all my treatments. They're great doctors. They take good care of me. I was diagnosed five years ago. I'm on two medications right now. I don't know if they're going to add a third drug because my pressures are a little bit high. But yes, I'm taking two drugs right now. I'm doing great. I'm basically a very fit woman. I believe in exercise and diet and really watching what you eat. I believe stress is also a big factor with pulmonary hypertension. I just lost my mother recently, and I can tell that when you're under a lot of stress like that, it does affect your body. I knew for a long time that there was something wrong with me. Basically, I'm pretty fit. I always ate healthy. I was always very slim. I'm 5'4" and 120 pounds. People couldn't believe it. I've never smoked, never drank, and there was never drugs. This went on for years. Kept telling everybody, "There's something seriously wrong with me." I went to doctors. The doctors kept diagnosing me with severe anxiety. So I said, "Okay, so what do I do about that?" They said, "Well, join the gym." So that's what I did. I joined the gym, and I coughed all the time. I used to cough. I always had this constant cough. I have a sister that's a nurse, and she kept saying, "Why do you cough all the time? There's something not right." I said, "Well, I'm always coughing." So then I thought maybe I had asthma, so they checked me for that. I didn't have asthma. So anyways, that's what they diagnosed me with, with severe anxiety. From then on, I basically tried everything to get out of this, and I thought, "If this is what anxiety is, it's terrible." I literally felt like I was dying. I kept telling my husband, "I think I'm going to die. I feel like I'm going to die." I have two children and grandkids. They just saw me just going down really quickly. I couldn't even cross the street. But it's hard to understand when you have PH that you can't breathe. You don't know really what's wrong with you. If you have the illness, they would understand. I finally found out, after seeing numerous doctors, they finally, said, "Okay, there is something seriously wrong with you. You know your body." So they admitted me in North Bay. One of the doctors there asked me if I ever heard of pulmonary hypertension. I said, "Yes, my sister's a nurse, and she told me you don't want that." He said, "Well we think that's what you have. You need to go to a city, a big, big city. We don't treat that here." They sent me right away to Toronto. I was there in three days. I was basically hooked up to oxygen by then for two months. The doctors in Toronto put me on meds. I was off the oxygen within three days. They called me this miracle girl. They couldn't believe the progress that I had did. They tested me also. They didn't understand, where did I get this? They asked me, was I a smoker, all those things. No, no, no. So they diagnosed me, basically, with idiopathic pulmonary hypertension. From then on, I followed their steps. I joined a study. They put me in a study, a clinical study, which was the selexipag study. Of course, after a year, I found out that I was taking the placebo pill. My doctor just did a right heart catheterization on me. She found that my heart is functioning very well. She said the ventricles are awesome. She said that the only thing is, "Your pressures are still a bit high." So I believe that they're going to add the selexipag. I'm just waiting on the doctor to call me back. Pulmonary hypertension is something that I believe, to me, doesn't give you a death notice. I'm a believer in God, and I believe that I have this for a reason and to help others understand it and what it is. Pulmonary hypertension to me is just something that I have to deal with each and every day. Actually, I feel a lot better than I did when I was first diagnosed. I'm so thankful for that. If you ever find out that you have pulmonary hypertension, not to worry, not to be scared of it and not to read. That's one of the most important things. Do not read, because I started reading and it scared the crap out of me because I thought, "Oh my gosh, you're going to die within seven years." This is my fifth year, and I'm actually doing really well. Like I said, diet, exercise, watch your stress levels, all those things, is a big factor, I believe, in pulmonary hypertension. In the beginning when I didn't know exactly what was going on with me, I started having fainting spells. I started feeling dizzy. I never actually lost consciousness, but I went to the doctor numerous amounts of times. They tried all kinds of testing on me, everything you could possibly imagine, X-rays, brain scans, you name it, and they could not find anything wrong with me. All this was going on for years. I am a believer in the Lord, and my husband's a pastor. That's what pulled me through this. In the scriptures it says that, "I will never leave you nor forsake you.” I believe that I have this for a reason, either to encourage people, either to... I don't know. Maybe He has a miracle for me. I believe in miracles. That's what kept me going. In the beginning, I literally thought this was my death sentence then. I was falling into depression and not doing well. What keeps me going is I garden, I exercise, I go to church every Sunday, but I just live each and every day to the best I can and not to get discouraged because there is hope. There is great doctors out there who know a lot about this that we don't and just to keep pressing on, not to give up. Each and every day when I do get up and I look in the mirror, the first thing I do is I take a shower. I always find that I feel so good when I take a shower. I get up and I say, "This is a new day, Lord. What do you have for me to do?" I try not to think about my illness itself. I try not to talk about it a lot with my family and children. They know what I have and they know all about it. I just keep going, like I said. I garden, I do all those kinds of things just to keep me mentally stable, because you got to be careful of the mental state, also. I don't want to pity myself, "Oh, poor me that I have this illness." I don't want people to pity me. I want to be a survivor. I want to people to say, "Wow, like look at this woman. If she can do this, I can do this." I used to watch Chloe Temtchine a lot. I don't know if you guys are familiar with her, but Chloe Temtchine also had pulmonary hypertension for numerous years. I used to watch her every single day, everything she'd go through, everything she'd do, everything she'd say. That also pulled me through. I have to say that Chloe Temtchine was a very important part of my life going through this. Shad a lung transplant, and I see her doing great and wonderfully. We all have our own story. I believe that just keep pressing on. Don't give up. That's the most important thing. I'm Colleen Carroll, and I'm aware that I am rare. Learn more about pulmonary hypertension trials at www.phaware.global/clinicaltrials. Follow us on social @phaware Engage for a cure: www.phaware.global/donate #phaware Share your story: info@phaware.com @phacanada 

Listen and View more on the official phaware™ podcast site

[wanderinstar]

🎅 fly from here is so Great, im listening to it right now as im typing this(return trip, cause im the trevor horn fan, it says that right here on my forehead. sorry benny d)

dude, its so overwhelming to decide what music to get. i love a lot of things and cant decide what to prioritize

hard to describe traditional eastern european food but if you wanna know, ill try to, shortly

sarmale - little cabbage rolls with rice and meat with other veggies

cozonac - sweet bread with ground walnut and cocoa filling, sometimes with bits of turkish delight

chișcă - i never liked this one too much personally, its a mish mash of pork meat

șorici - pork skin :)

borș - sour soup, this ones eaten year round but im including it here

and these are the "essentials" for christmas. its way funnier if you dont have an image for these foods, and you make them up in your head first, and then see if what you think it is coincides with the real deal. all these with some variations are all over the former eastern bloc, especially the slavic countries. this part of europe is so fun, man.

went Christmas shopping today, saw panetone. prophecy came true. one panetone to rule them all!

do you use to give gifts in your family/with friends? if so, what are you hoping to receive this year?

Hello, dear Santa!

You're right, it IS overwhelming to decide what to get. Btw, my family never really used to exchange gifts during the holidays, but the last couple of years we did it. When my sister and I were kids, our parents would ask us what we wanted as a birthday gift (my sister's birthday is on December 29th, and mine is on December 25th lol), but we never put it under the Christmas tree because they were, well, birthday gifts. And I never knew what to ask! It is way harder than it seems!

This year, though, I bought really simple gifts for my parents, my sister and our dog ❤️ they are under the tree right now (the gifts haha). My sister gave me a dress I liked while we went shopping, my mom gave me a door stopper (cuz I was really in need of one) and my dad gave me very beautiful shoes. We also bought gifts for the newborn baby of my sister's sister-in-law and my sister's husband, who came back with her from the big city where they're living for the holidays and brought gifts for us (is it too confusing?). Anyway, here's a picture of our tree :)

From friends I only get birthday gifts, when I get something. But I do like to give Christmas presents to them, sometimes I do :) What about you, do you exchange gifts with your family/friends?

The traditional food you mentioned seems very interesting. I know sarmale, dear Santa! We call it "charuto" here, it's a dish that we usually find at Arabic restaurants. Is borş a beet soup? My mom told my she made it once. Btw, I've always wanted to know if turkish delight is good ever since I watched Narnia haha! Do you like it?

[venusfun]

🦋Asteroid notes🦋 pt.2

Since you liked the previous part here is 2nd :)

Notes are based on my opinions and experiences. If it doesn't resonate with you, check other important placements. The whole chart matters.

People with at least 3 Vesta challenging aspects (square, opposition) have a hard time focusing. These people might fear intimacy.

People with asteroid Cupido (763) in the 11th house might have a crush on a friend.

This asteroid in 9th house might indicate having crushes on teachers or foreigners.

Circe (34) in the 3rd house might like to read books about witches or witchcraft. Also, these people are great fantasy storytellers.

People with prominent asteroid Sappho (80) are the best writers!

People with 8th house Chiron are just so worried about sexual hygiene/illness. Also, they might not support having sex without protection.

Aura (1488) with an aspect to Lilith gives a lot more mysterious vibes than Scorpio aura or even rising.

Academia (829) with a Neptune hard aspect indicates very big confusion about academics. These people might not want to get higher degrees.

Also, academia in the 12th house or Pisces might sleep through some important classes, or they are just always late to them.

People with Chiron-MC aspects could have a career related to the medical field.

I can guess that people with Erato (62) prominent in the chart, can indicate the best smut writer lmao.

Not only asteroid Circe is about witchcraft, also asteroid Hekate (100) is in someway similar to it. Hekate also represents the underworld and death (now don't come at my messages and don't ask me “how would I die”)

Ophelia (171) in synastry can represent heartbreak.

Asteroid Mony (7782) with an aspect (trine, sextile, conjunction) to Venus, can attract money easily.

This asteroid with an aspect to MC can indicate a high-paying job.

Also, this asteroid might show you where in life you feel the most powerful.

Asteroid Camelot (9500) can show where you find happiness in your life.

Camelot conjunct ascendant would mean that you give very happy vibes to other people.

Eros in 5th house people might prefer watching erotic movies.

Asteroid Diana (78) in 5th house maybe would prefer watch movies about women superheroes. Maybe animal movies too?

Diana in the 12th house has a low self independence.

Selene (580) can also show your sleeping habits (since she is the Goddess of sleep also)

People with Artemis (105) conjunct ascendant have very wild hair. It might grow very fast and it's A LOT.

Artemis in the 5th house might really like walks in the forests or mountains, especially with their own children.

Also, if y'all wonder how are your relationships with women check this asteroid.

Zeus (5731) in an aspect to MC can indicate, job related to military or leadership.

In synastry charts, this asteroid can also indicate an unfaithful husband.

One of the MOST spiritual placements in a birth chart (my opinion) is Poseidon (4341) prominent. (but keep in the mind that this asteroid isn't “goody shoes” either)

I personally have noticed that people with Lilium (1092) aspect to the ascendant has red cheeks or these people easily blush.

This asteroid could represent innocence and virginity.

If I will remember (I have Neptune in the 3rd, so my memory is fucked up) in the next post I will tell you one little bit dark secret about this asteroid🤫

Crocus (1220) symbolize hope. Where you in life find hope. But y'all have to know that this flower is poisonous, so be aware.

Did you found this weird post somehow useful?🥺 maybe I should do asteroid notes series (like this), because damn... I still have a full paragraph of things to say.

Like my posts? Support me on ko-fi💕

[robininthelabyrinth]

Initiative - aka NMJ and JYL get engaged - ao3 or tumblr pt 1, pt 2

Jiang Yanli’s first engagement had been announced when she was three and a half years old – there had been a big party, festooned in color, exquisitely and meticulously planned out in advance, and she’d been obliged to stand on stage next to a baby in a cradle that had done nothing but cry and spit as all the adults around her congregated and congratulated each other on the excellent match.

She hadn’t enjoyed that at all.

Her second wedding announcement was simultaneously more casual and more noteworthy, and she enjoyed it tremendously. 

Madame Jin had sent several invitations to Jiang Yanli to come visit Lanling in advance of the hunt planned for Phoenix Mountain, speaking of how beautiful it was and how much she looked forward to seeing her good friend’s daughter – talking about she’d always regretted how Jiang Yanli had been obligated by circumstances to take shelter at the Unclean Realm rather than in Lanling City, although she’d been pleased to hear from her son that she was doing well – all the right sort of words. The words might have been more welcome if Jiang Yanli hadn’t known that Madame Jin was still intent on securing the marriage she had arranged.

If she hadn’t been engaged, she would have accepted the invitation, hoping to form an alliance for her sect through a close relationship with Madame Jin even if she didn’t have one with Jin Zixuan (no matter what Madame Jin hoped), but as she was, in fact, engaged to another – even if it hadn’t been formally announced – it would be inappropriate to go. So she instead played ignorant and responded graciously, protesting that she couldn’t possibly impose, that the rebuilding at the Lotus Pier needed her, but that she would of course be happy to attend the hunt alongside the rest of her sect.

She arrived at her brother’s side, smiling all the while.

Her second engagement was announced like this: Sect Leader Jin, using his newly legitimized son as his mouthpiece, had brought forward some ghastly ‘entertainment’ that involved shooting at helpless prisoners, tied up in chains. Jin Zixuan had complied, but Wei Wuxian had marched out and disrupted everything by showing off to a ridiculous extent – Nie Mingjue, who had been watching with a black face full of rage but unable to speak due to propriety, had started applauding very loudly and very enthusiastically – and Sect Leader Jin had ordered the prisoners taken away.

“Well, then,” he said, clapping as if he had impressed himself: as if they hadn’t just been subjected to a powerplay under the guise of hospitality, as if everyone would be over-awed by his might now that they had seen him abuse the helpless while they were all forced by the rules of etiquette to say nothing or else risk carrying the blame for trying to start another war. “Absent anything else, we should proceed to the hunt itself, where await you only the finest of prey and the sharpest competition among your peers.”

For the further display of the power of the Jin sect, he meant.

“Actually,” Nie Mingjue said, interjecting in a moment in which Sect Leader Jin had paused to take a breath so that it was technically not an interruption, “there is one thing. A request, in fact.”

Sect Leader Jin’s eyes narrowed in suspicion, but he maintained his false smile. “Of course, Sect Leader Nie. What can I do for you?”

“I’m getting married,” Nie Mingjue said. “The bride is Young Mistress Jiang, of Yunmeng Jiang, and I would like –” He raised his voice to overcome the abrupt explosion of talk that had erupted. “– I would like to have her accompany my sect in today’s hunt. I hope that doesn’t interfere with your plans for a competition between the sects?”

There were those who said that Jiang Yanli’s chosen husband was bad at politics, and they might even be right. But it didn’t really matter in the end if he’d thought of the idea on a whim or if it’d been a prearranged plan by Nie Huaisang, who was cleverer than he liked to let on to people, Jiang Yanli’s future husband had still wiped away in a single sentence all memory of the farce they’d all just endured and of the hunt that was yet to come, ensuring that the only thing anyone would remember about today was the shocking news of the engagement of the leader of one Great Sect to the sister of another.

(And if everyone remembered that at the last celebration hosted by Sect Leader Jin, he had proposed to resurrect the marriage between Jiang Yanli and his own son, instead, forcing her to publicly demur on vague terms…well, that just made it all the more satisfying.)

Now it was Sect Leader Jin’s turn to scowl and glare, and Madame Jin’s expression looked no less thunderous, but in the end Jiang Yanli got to go with the Nie sect on the hunt.

“You know I’ll only slow you down,” she said to Nie Mingjue, who snorted.

“No more than Huaisang will,” he said, and if his face was stern and his voice gruff then she still thought she detected fondness and humor beneath it. “Besides, it’ll be a good opportunity to measure you.”

It turned out that he meant that more literally than she might have thought.

Jiang Yanli was promptly whisked away to the back of the Nie retinue by a small cadre of Nie disciples, men and women both. She was presented with a number of training sabers shaped out of wood and made to hold them in a variety of positions as they murmured things about stability and reach and balance as if they really, truly thought that she would actually use the saber they were preparing for her.

“This one,” Nie Jiahui, a steely older woman with silver in her hair and fierce eyes, eventually announced, and the practice saber Jiang Yanli had been waving around was taken away. She was then presented with one that was twice as heavy, for “practice”.

“Do you always practice with something heavier than the actual thing?” she asked, and Nie Jiahui nodded.

“Strengthens the shoulders,” she said, curt but not standoffish. “Have some candy.”

Jiang Yanli blinked, but smiled and accepted the offer. It was licorice, which she liked.

“Do you often carry candy with you on night-hunts?” she asked, listening to the sound of fighting from up ahead. Every so often, a disciple or two would trot by carrying the corpses of larger and larger creatures, slain in the fighting; it seemed that the Nie sect was not, in fact, being slowed down in the slightest by her presence.

Of course, she also wasn’t being tended to as if she were their chosen lady, either, as she might have otherwise expected – all pomp and flowery language, Nie Mingjue by her side at all times to show her around as if they were on a pleasure stroll – but in all honesty that would have been a little bewildering. It was very much not the Nie sect’s character, all practical and straightforward, and she found that she preferred it that way.

“It’s important to have something to replenish energy,” Nie Huaisang said, having dropped back to join them from the front. He looked tired and grumpy, but his saber appeared to have been put to some work; he immediately climbed up into the carriage that people were taking turns riding and started cleaning it. “And licorice candy clears the lungs.”

“Clears the lungs?” Jiang Yanli asked.

“It’s good for more than that,” Nie Jiahui said. “But that’s one of the uses, yes. Do you ever feel like your chest is too tight, especially when you move too much? Leading to coughing, shortness of breath, your lips turning blue?”

Jiang Yanli blinked. “Yes,” she said. “But that’s just because I was born with a weak body.”

Nie Jiahui scoffed and Nie Huaisang laughed. “Good luck with that,” he said cheerfully. “I was born with muscles that didn’t keep their tone: too flexible, incapable of gathering strength, requiring more energy to do less, making me twice as tired twice as fast – even sitting up straight can be a struggle in some extreme cases, though luckily not mine. And do you think that helped me one bit in getting out of saber training? It did not.”

“Early childhood intervention is best,” Nie Jiahui said. “But the next best is starting today. I’ll show you some low-impact exercises that you can start working on to strengthen your shoulders and stomach, as well as some balance movements to center yourself and improve your posture – that way, by the time your actual saber is ready, you’ll be able to take it through one of the basic routines.”

“I’m happy to learn whatever you have to teach,” Jiang Yanli said, ignoring Nie Huaisang’s dramatic cry of ‘And here I thought you’d be on my side!’ “I only regret troubling you.”

“Not at all,” Nie Jiahui said. “It’ll be good to have someone watching the Sect Leader’s back on night-hunts.”

Jiang Yanli felt a surge of terror and excitement in her belly. “He would trust me with that? You would trust me with that?”

“I did tell you that you’d need to keep up with him,” Nie Huaisang said mildly, and it was true, he had, only she’d assumed it was a bit more metaphorical. “You don’t have to fight or even walk too much, if it doesn’t suit you – my grandmother was lame in both her legs from a childhood illness, she rode everywhere, scariest woman I’ve ever met by far – but you do have to be there. Someone needs to be able to tell my brother to stop. Someone he’ll listen to.”

And wasn’t that something of a thrill to think of?

Jiang Yanli wasn’t someone anyone listened to – not her parents, not her brother, not her sect disciples. She’d always been the one who comforted them afterwards, who supported them; she made them food and tried to convince them to be kinder to each other, and sometimes they even tried for a while before getting into another tiff. They would kill for her if she so much as hinted at it, tear down the sky for her, but it was more in the nature of indulging her rather than actually allowing them to guide her.

Yet here was Chifeng-zun, a war hero and a sect leader, one of the most powerful men in the world, a man admired by men and sought after (even if only in their hearts) by women, and his family was telling her that he would listen to her.

“If you say so,” she demurred, but they insisted, and by the time the hunt was over Jiang Yanli was surprised to realize that she hadn’t needed to resort to sitting on the carriage more than twice the entire time.

“We’ll send Auntie Jiahui to the Lotus Pier after today’s hunt is done,” Nie Huaisang chattered cheerfully in her ear as they headed back towards Jinlin Tower. “She’ll work you through your paces, believe you me, and all the supplemental things, too – making sure you eat the right thing, take medicinal baths to improve your meridians, apply massages to loosen your joints…those parts are nice, actually. Take care of your body as you would your saber, take care of your saber as you would your wife! That’s how the saying goes. Trust me, you’ll be regretting the whole thing soon enough.”

Jiang Yanli didn’t think she would. “You seem very confident that A-Cheng will allow you to do as you please, even in the Lotus Pier.”

“I’ll tell him it concerns secret Nie sect marriage rituals,” Nie Jiahui interjected. “When two women are involved, men tend to run away when the words ‘marriage’ and ‘secret’ are combined.”

Sadly, she was probably right.

“Show me those exercises again,” she requested, and Nie Jiahui climbed up on to the carriage to show her the ones she could do even while sitting down.

Jiang Yanli might never have had the opportunity to strengthen herself before, and she was moderately certain that she wouldn’t have too much success now, as the various tricks Nie Jiahui had taught her were largely body refinement, barely reliant on qi, and her cultivation was still as low as ever.

But she was good at devoting herself to learning something when she wanted to, and as soon the hunt at Phoenix Mountain was over and they had shifted over to the various feasts and meetings that Lanling Jin had planned for the rest of the week, she began her efforts at self-improvement in earnest.

The weak body her mother had always despaired of might always be weak – Nie Jiahui had been quite blunt on that subject, making it clear that nothing she was suggesting was some sort of miracle pill, and furthermore that there was nothing wrong with being weak as long as she made an effort (Nie Huaisang had been the recipient of several pointed looks there) – but Jiang Yanli was determined to at least demonstrate that she was trying.

A gesture of good faith, perhaps. Some small show of initiative.

Nie Huaisang had said that Nie Mingjue appreciated her initiative.

“A-Xian,” she called one morning, only a few days later. “A-Xian, are you going out for a walk? Let me come with you.”

“You’ve gone on a lot of walks recently,” Wei Wuxian laughed, but allowed her to take his arm as they walked into the crowd. “Do you like Lanling City so much?”

“It’s the exercise I’m after,” she said, smiling at him. “The Nie sect is a martial sect, remember? I’ll be going on more night-hunts in the future, if all goes well, and I’ll need to keep up.”

“Oh, but surely they’ll bring a carriage..? I don’t know if you really need to go on night-hunts –”

“I want to! It’ll be nice. Don’t worry about me so much, A-Xian –”

Wei Wuxian was shaking his head, smiling, and he wasn’t looking where he was going; perhaps that was why he bumped into the young woman.

But then she looked up at him, and he looked down at her, and he froze.

“Wen Qing?”

[cafedanslanuit]

♡   —   pairing: eren x reader

♡   —   tags/warnings: mentions of cheating and alcohol. side aruani and yumihisu. honestly just a feel-good fic, with humour and fluff <3

♡   —   a/n:  honestly, this is the most “romantic comedy” fic i’ve ever written and i love it <3 shout out to @ofoceansandtombstones​ that beta read this one mwah thank u

♡   —   masterlist

There was an ill taste in your mouth that wouldn’t go away, no matter how many drinks you had. And you already had more than a few. From your spot on the table, you could see your friends dancing and having the time of their lives. You really wished you could join them. Nevertheless, you had wasted all your energy forcing a smile and clapping along during the ceremony. Once you had arrived at the hotel reception with the rest of the guests, you had slid a bill to a kind waitress and told her to keep the drinks coming. 

Ymir and Historia were dancing in front of you. Stoic, sour-faced Ymir couldn’t help but smile as her sweet girlfriend twirled and giggled, her cheeks red and eyes just the tiniest bit unfocused. Next to them, Sasha, Jean and Connie were owning the dance floor, moving in sync to the happy music. A grin formed on your face as you saw Connie lifting Sasha up and her almost falling to the floor. Jean was holding his stomach as he laughed loudly.

On a nearby table, Mikasa looked over at them, a small smile on his lips. She was sitting next to her girlfriend, who was holding her hand as they watched their friends dance. You saw her girlfriend leaning over to her and whispering something in her ear, to which she chuckled. It was so strange -and so beautiful- to see Mikasa laugh that it took you aback. And apparently, also the girl she was with, because her lips slightly parted as she watched her in awe.

“How’s the party animal doing?”

You looked up and saw Eren staring down at you with a funny expression. He was wearing black dress pants and a white shirt. The first two buttons were undone, and he was carrying his suit jacket over his shoulder and a beer on his other hand.

“Someone’s gotta keep an eye out for everyone,” you replied with a shrug. Eren scoffed and took the seat next to you on the empty table, leaving his jacket on the nearest chair.

“I mean, I know attending your ex’s wedding isn’t bound to be a good time, but you’d think you would try to put on a happy face.”

You rolled your eyes. “Hey, at least I’m here.”

“After Mikasa tried her best to convince you during a whole week,” he said. You turned your head to Eren, eyes wide open. “What? Of course she told me.”

“That little… That’s it, I’m going to tell her girlfriend about that one time Mikasa got drunk with us,” you muttered angrily, standing up. Eren was quicker and pulled you back to your seat.

“You and Armin broke up a year ago. Why are you so upset he’s moving on?”

Before you could answer, the music stopped and the dance floor erupted in applause. Eren and you watched as Armin and Annie walked in between their guests, greeting everyone as they made their way to the bride and groom table, covered with a pearl cloth and decorated with the finest flowers. Every detail screamed elegance and you knew Armin had been the one to decide most of it. It had his taste written in every napkin and strategically placed flower.

Armin’s smile was almost too big for his face and if you had to guess, those small red marks on the external corner of his eyes meant he had been crying just a few minutes ago. You rolled your eyes. So sentimental. On the other hand, Annie’s smile was far less noticeable, but for someone who always repressed her public displays of emotions as much, that little smile must have felt heavenly to her new husband.

Husband. You took a big gulp of your drink.

“I’m telling you this because I care for you,” Eren said, redirecting your attention to him. “You’re looking like a petty ex.”

“Rather be petty than a cheater,” you shrugged, finishing your drink. You gestured to the waitress and she immediately walked to you, handing you a full glass. Thanking her, you wasted no time in taking a sip.

Eren’s eyebrows were deeply furrowed. “What do you mean?”

“Armin never told you why we broke up, right?”

Eren scooted his chair closer to you and you bit back a laugh.

“He said you just weren’t good together,” he said, trying to remember his friend’s words. “And you said something similar when I asked you back then. Where does this ‘cheating’ thing come from?”

You let out a long sigh. “Maybe it wasn’t cheating. Not by definition, at least. But when your boyfriend starts dating someone else a week after you broke up a two-year-long relationship and he gets engaged four months later… you draw your own conclusions,” you explained, taking another sip of your drink and making a grimace. “Fuck, this one’s strong.”

After not getting a response from Eren for a long moment, you finally turned to look for his emerald eyes. You could almost see the numbers flying around his mind, trying to make sense of everything you had just told him. It was endearing.

“Wait, no-- wait,” Eren gestured at you with his hand. He stopped himself again and took a sip of his beer. “The first time Armin told me about Annie was in February. I remember it clearly. We were shopping for Mikasa’s birthday gift and then he went to pick something for Annie. And you guys broke up around Halloween, that’s the time I found you crying-- in Jean's backyard during our costume party.”

“We had a big fight at that party. We hadn’t broken up,” you clarified with a smirk. “He broke up with me after Mikasa’s birthday party. The same party he convinced me not to attend.”

Eren’s face dropped once all the pieces clicked together. He turned his body to look at the bride and groom table, where Armin and Annie were taking a sip of their champagne glasses and talking to each other enthusiastically, while the rest of their guests kept dancing.

“That son of a bitch,” he breathed out. You burst out laughing at his reaction. “No, I mean it! I really thought you had broken up during that Halloween party! You didn’t upload any more photos together, I don’t even remember even seeing you together--”

“I told you, we were fighting and… not in the mood for photos or public dates. Most of those months were spent at his apartment, fighting over really, really stupid things or just not texting each other for days,” you explained. “Honestly, when he broke up with me he made the decision I was too afraid to take. He was right, we weren’t good for each other anymore. But... fuck,” you chuckled icily. “I wish he would have broken up with me before getting with Annie.”

Eren listened in silence, his eyes still on his friend. You gave him time as you kept drinking, your gaze drifting to your friends again. You really wished you could have the energy to join them and forget Armin and Annie. It was true you didn’t love him anymore, yet seeing them together only made you remember how you had been fooled by someone you thought loved you the most.

You had had many dates ever since, but no one ever stuck. It was fun, getting someone’s attention for a couple of weeks, but then you couldn’t help but ghost them, putting up shitty excuses like wanting to focus on yourself and not having enough time to spare with them. You had lost so many amazing opportunities with both boys and girls that a couple of months ago you had decided to stop dating at all. It was lonely for sure, but at least you didn’t find yourself feeling guilty for not being able to open yourself up emotionally for someone else.

“Want to get back at him?”

You turned to Eren so fast you almost hurt your neck.

“What?”

“I have an idea. Just play along,” he explained, standing up.

“Eren, hey, what are you--”

“Everybody! If you could give me a minute please!”

You watched horrified as your friends started turning to you and Eren, confused at the commotion. Eren kept waving his hand, gathering more and more people’s attention, Armin and Annie included. He even gestured to the DJ to lower the music and she complied. In a few seconds, all the guests of the party were looking at you, who was still sitting down with a confused expression, a drink in your hand. Once he deemed enough people were looking at him, you saw him fumbling with his hands nervously.

“Eren,” you called for him again in a whisper, but all he did was take the drink you had in your hands and put it on the table.

“Sorry for interrupting, I know a lot of you were having a lot of fun dancing. But all I’m asking is one minute of your time. I hope that’s okay with you guys,” he grinned back to the bride and groom table, where they were as confused as all the guests around. “I have something really important to say.”

“Eren, no, you can’t tell them about--”

“No, no, give me a moment,” he hushed you again. The DJ walked to both of you and handed an inalambric microphone to Eren.

You didn’t like how devilish his smile turned.

“Great, thanks, this is much better,” he told the DJ, who just kindly smiled at him. “Anyway, I don’t want to take much of the bride and groom’s time, so I’ll try to be concise. The thing is…” he said, turning to face you. “I love you.”

Your mouth flew open as you heard multiple gasps coming from the guests. Yet, you couldn’t bother with looking anywhere but Eren’s eyes. What was he doing? Since when did he have feelings for you? If he wanted to say something, he could have easily said something a few minutes ago, when--

Just play along.

Oh.

Your questioning glare turned into a big smile and you noticed Eren softly nodding at you.

“You already know how much I love you. Honestly, I never get tired of telling you so. And hiding our love from our friends has probably been the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. Sorry about that, Mikasa,” he said, gesturing to the woman.

You could imagine your friend’s dumbfounded face, but you knew better than to turn and check for yourself. You knew you wouldn’t be able to hold in your laughter.

“So I’m here in front of all our friends and some other guests I don’t know to ask a simple question.”

In a swift movement, Eren got down on one knee. Your hand flew to cover your mouth, trying your best to hide any trace of laughing on your face. The flash of the cameras startled you for a moment, but that only meant Eren’s plan was working. The excited murmurs and squeals only fueled Eren, as he pulled up a ring and showed it to you. You immediately recognized it as one of the rings he had been wearing a few moments ago. 

“Would you marry me?”

A huge, honest grin made its way to your face and you nodded quickly. You grabbed the microphone Eren was holding and spoke right into it.

“Yes, I’ll marry you!”

You hadn’t listened to a crowd erupting in applause and cheers as loud as the guests at Armin’s wedding when Eren slid his ring on your finger. Once again, the flash of the cameras were right into the both of you as you leaped into his arms. He stood up while holding your body close to him, even giving you a small spin and you buried your face in the crook of his neck.

When he finally put you down, the music resumed and all your friends began running to the both of you.

“You’re fucking crazy,” you whispered to Eren, holding his face between your hands. He laughed.

“Kinda ruined the reception, huh?”

“When the fuck did this happen?” Jean inquired as soon as he reached you.

“Dude, why didn’t you tell us?” Sasha whined, with a small pout. “But congratulations!” she quickly followed, hugging you tightly. As you hugged her back, you felt someone taking the hand that was now wearing Eren’s ring.

“This is one of your rings,” she noted, shooting Eren a dirty glance. He lifted his hands in surrender.

“Hey, I didn’t plan this! But I will get her a prettier one soon,” he said, winking at you. You laughed and shook your head.

“Nah, I like this one,” you replied. You shared a knowing grin and soon it was Connie’s turn to hug you.

While you were hugging your friend back, you saw in the corner of your eye Armin getting up from the table and starting to walk to both of you. Your smile immediately vanished from your face and once Eren caught it and followed your eye trail, he understood the reason why. You heard him mutter a curse before he pulled you from Connie’s embrace.

“Well, we’d love to stay, but my fiancée and I want some time alone.”

“C’mon, you haven’t told us yet how you got together!” Sasha complained.

“Next time, we promise,” you hurriedly assured her.

Eren picked his suit jacket from the table and before Armin could reach your group, you quickly walked away, exiting the hotel. Eren whistled to a taxi and you jumped inside, telling the man behind the wheel to drive. Loud laughter filled the vehicle as soon as it began moving.

“How-- how did you even have this idea?” you asked him, holding your stomach as you laughed. “Dude, Armin looked so upset, we totally stole his thunder.”

“That was the plan,” Eren shrugged, a winning smirk on his lips. “Knowing the gang, everybody’s going to be talking about us and the engagement for the rest of the party.”

“Remind me to never have you as an enemy,” you chuckled, leaning back on the car seat. Letting out a long sigh, you took off Eren’s ring and handed it to him.

He shook his head. “Nah, keep it. As a souvenir of today,” he winked.

“Thank you,” you smiled. You put the ring on your thumb this time, since it was too big for your ring finger anyway. “You didn’t have to do this at all, and yet--”

“It’s okay,” he assured you.

“No, really. It’s just-- I’ve been having a tough time since the breakup,” you admitted. “To have you doing this for me means a lot. Makes me feel someone really cares for me. I never said anything to anyone back then because Annie is also a part of the group and I thought…”

Eren leaned his head towards you.

“You thought…?”

“I thought you would pick her too. It’s stupid, I know,” you shrugged, turning your head to Eren. “But Armin had just broken up with me and a week later he was already in public with Annie. Back then, I thought everyone knew we had just broken up and if no one had said anything was because they didn’t care. So I just… stopped hanging out with all of you as much as I did before.”

“Yeah, I noticed that,” he muttered.

“You did?”

Eren nodded. “That’s why I asked Mikasa to pressure you into coming to the wedding. I hadn’t seen you in a while.”

“You could have just asked me to hang out, you know,” you teased him. Eren chuckled, pushing some of his loose hairs behind his ear.

“I think we know by now I don’t take the conventional route.”

“Yeah, all of the guests know that too,” you quipped, making both of you laugh.

This time, when the laughter came to an end, you realized how close your faces were. Your noses were almost brushing as you both were lying your heads on the back of the car seat. You looked into Eren’s emerald eyes and noticed he wasn’t looking away from yours either. Was it the alcohol that made his cheeks turn a lovely shade of pink? If it was, then you could say the warmth crawling up your face was its fault too. It had to be the alcohol, or else, you would have to also ponder about the reason your heart was beating out of your chest at having your friend so close to you. He was handsome, he had always been and you knew this. But why were you losing all your composure just now?

A brief look at Eren's lips gave your thoughts away and, in less than two seconds, he was pressing his lips against yours.

For a spur-of-the-moment kiss, as you thought this one was, it was rather soft. Eren kissed you as if he thought you were the most expensive and fragile thing he had ever seen. But of course, this was just a product of the adrenaline and the fact that -as far as you knew- he hadn’t been dating anyone as well, right?

Your small theory crashed and burnt when you felt his hand softly cradling the side of your face. No. This wasn’t an adrenaline kiss, neither one that you gave without a thought. Maybe it had been unprompted and maybe you hadn’t seen it coming, but it sure as hell seemed he did. Eren’s lips gilded against your with ease, revealing a soft tenderness you didn’t know he possessed. You kissed him back, matching his rhythm as you softly pressed your hand against his chest.

Eren pulled away from you softly, and if his longing eyes were any indicator, a bit reluctantly.

“Hi,” he breathed out, making you grin widely.

“Hi,” you replied. You gently caressed his cheek with the knuckles of the hand that was previously resting on his chest. Eren took it and kissed your palm, making your heart flutter.

“Sorry to interrupt kids, but where are we heading?”

The voice of the taxi driver startled you, making you pull away from Eren. He chuckled at your reaction and then looked back at the man.

“Take us to that pizza place near the central park. Gotta have a celebratory dinner with my fiancée,” he said cheekily, taking your hand into his. You squeezed his hand back, his ring digging a little on your skin.

“So young and engaged already? Congrats!” the driver said, turning left and heading towards the direction Eren had given him.

“Thank you!” you smiled brightly at Eren while he took your joint hands to his mouth and placed a kiss on your knuckles.

A part of you knew you weren’t taking that ring off anytime soon.

[cherienymphe]

Lies Untold (Sherlock Holmes x Reader)

WARNINGS: NON-CON, jealous!Sherlock 

!!! DNI IF THIS OFFENDS YOU !!!

➥ {page breaks done by @firefly-graphics​ }

summary: Sherlock Holmes is the love of your life, and convinced that you will never get your happily ever after with him, you make a decision that does more harm than good

~

Your morning started like every other. You were briefly woken up by the feel of your husband’s lips on your face, his smooth voice greeting you before moving onto your daughter in her crib. You drifted back to sleep just as he shut the door, making his way downstairs to open up the inn for the day. When you woke up for the final time, it felt like hours later, but in reality, it could have only been minutes.

You breastfed your daughter almost immediately after you woke up, the two of you somehow always waking up together. You went downstairs for breakfast as soon as she was fast asleep again, greeting your husband with a kiss as you met in the kitchen. The day went by slow, the last guest leaving the inn sometime in the early evening. It was late in the night, almost time for you to retire when the bell above the door rang.

A guest had arrived.

Your husband was on the third floor where you all resided, tending to your daughter no doubt while you manned the first floor. You were fooling with something behind the counter, head bent down as their heavy steps reached your ears.

“I’ll be with you in just a moment,” you told them.

They did not reply, but you knew they heard you. You rose, straightening your dress as you lifted your eyes to greet the only guest for the night. As soon as your eyes met a familiar blue, you froze, feeling as if you had been struck by lightning.

He looked the same as ever. Perhaps even more handsome now, and you cursed yourself for thinking such a thought when your husband was just upstairs. He looked just as stunned to see you, reaching up to adjust his dark suit as he cleared his throat. His hair was a bit longer since the last time you saw him, an errant curl hanging onto his forehead, and you suddenly realized that you had been holding your breath.

“Mr. Holmes,” you breathed, chest burning a bit from the lack of oxygen. “Just you?”

He made a noise that sounded like a cross between a laugh and a scoff, lips quirking upwards.

“Mr. Holmes?”

You swallowed, uncomfortably shifting on your feet. He stepped up to the counter, that teasing smile on his pink lips, one you did not return.

“A little formal for old friends, is it not?”

Your shoulders sagged as you released a small sigh.

“No, you…you are right. It’s just been a while since I’ve last seen you,” you told him. “I was caught off guard.”

It was the truth. Honestly, you had hoped to never see Sherlock again. Not if you could help it.

“So, you run an inn now…”

You briefly glanced at him as you searched for a key, nodding.

“I do.”

“I had not realized. The name…it was unfamiliar to me,” he said.

Your hand tightened around the key, and you avoided his eye, heart beating wildly in your chest.

“It’s my husband’s name,” you murmured.

You swore that you could hear his breath hitch, and it seemed to get unbelievably quiet. Against your better judgement, you looked to him, finding his blue eyes just a tad darker. His face always looked pinched, like he was constantly overthinking, but this was more than that. He looked positively floored. Were you the first person to have thrown the great Sherlock Holmes for a loop? Had circumstances been different, you would have felt proud.

Before either of you could say anything else, your husband’s footsteps on the stairs reached your ears. You turned to him with a strained smile just as he neared, and he placed a soft kiss on your cheek.

“Mr. Holmes,” your husband greeted jovially. “What a pleasure! Will it be just you then?”

“Indeed,” the dark-haired man hummed, and although you were no longer looking at him, you could feel his eyes on you.

“The last guest checked out hours ago, so the whole inn will be nice and quiet for whatever work you need to do. That is, provided our daughter sleeps through the night,” he jested.

Your eyes widened, having had no intentions of mentioning that to your guest…ever. You did not dare look at him and overwhelmed with the emotions that seeing him brought on, you clutched your stomach, feigning sick as you stepped back.

“I’ve grown a bit weary. I think I will call it a night,” you told your husband.

His face twisted with concern, and you felt a tad guilty, but your uneasiness from Sherlock’s hard stare was more pressing. Your husband, the sweetheart that he was, placed a hand on your back as he ushered you towards the stairs.

“Of course, dear. You only had the baby months ago, you should not be up on your feet so much, anyway,” he quietly told you, sending you off with a kiss on the cheek.

You slowly took the stairs, hearing him continue his conversation with the man you had hoped to never see again. Your legs shook with every step, and the more you blinked, the faster the tears collected in your eyes. Despite the fact that your husband had yet to cease his rambling, you could still feel Sherlock’s gaze on your back as hot as it always was. As it always had been.

Relief did not find you even all the way up on the third floor. You pressed your back to the door as soon as you made it to your bedroom, and you swallowed hard, fighting to hold in a scream. You had forced yourself to make peace with the everything, with your own decisions. You never thought that you would be able to, but you did, and right when you seemed to be okay, the man who had caused it all slithered back into your life, his presence mocking you.

A soft gurgle from the crib reached your ears, and you pushed yourself away from the door, reminding yourself that it was not just you anymore. Her face was twisted in discomfort, features only smoothing out when you took her into your arms. The mattress creaked under your weight as you sat down, making yourself comfortable with your back to the headboard. Your knees were bent, your daughter resting against your legs as you both stared at one another. Her tiny hand wrapped around your finger, and your heart clenched as you stared into her eyes, a familiar shade of blue staring back at you.

You avoided leaving your room as much as you could. Your husband was the one who mostly dealt with the inn anyway, but you had enjoyed greeting and interacting with the guests. Until recently. Oddly enough, Sherlock was your only guest for the next two days, and you wondered if you were cursed. There were no other guests to tend to, no other guests to distract you, and you could not feign ill forever. You regularly interacted with the guests, and your husband would start to find your behavior odd.

You had genuinely thought you’d never see the famous detective again. You had fought to marry someone as far away from your hometown as you possibly could, determined to distance yourself as much as you could from the place you had both grown up in. Not only to avoid ever seeing him again, but also because it was far too painful. How funny it was to think that if you had stayed, you probably would have achieved what you set out to do.

It was the third day since he had checked into the inn, and unable to sleep in the early hours of the morning, you opted for getting an early start on breakfast. Your husband and daughter were still fast asleep, and perhaps you could be done before your only guest arose. You had no idea what case he was in town for. You had made it a habit to avoid the papers, and perhaps that was why you had been blindsided by his sudden appearance.

You had only been in the kitchen for a matter of minutes when the subject of your thoughts joined you.

You paused in what you were doing, not expecting him while he, on the other hand, seemed to have been waiting up for you. He was dressed as nicely as always, and that pensive look that he always seemed to sport was replaced by a troubled one. You watched as his hand flexed, and you were reminded how they had felt on you once. Forcing those thoughts from your mind, you gathered yourself.

“Mr. Holmes,” you greeted. “Breakfast will be a while.”

You both knew that he had not come down for food, but you turned away from him anyway to continue your work. It was quiet for a while as he stood there, watching you work. He was making you nervous, like always, and it was only when you realized that you were making no progress did he finally speak.

“You are married now.”

You paused, swallowing with a heavy chest. It was not a question. Not even really a statement, but more like an accusation. With a heavy sigh, you turned your head, barely looking over your shoulder at him as you rested your hands on the table.

“Did you think I was going to wait for you forever?”

You were met with silence, and you shook your head.

“You knew how I felt about you,” you said, kneading the dough. “How I felt since we were mere children. A woman does not have the luxury of keeping her options open. Decisions had to be made.”

You heard him step closer, and you visibly winced, shoulders tensing up.

“Do you love him?”

You frowned, spinning around to face him, chest clenching as your insides twisted.

“What kind of question is that?”

“One you have yet to answer,” he murmured, taking another step towards you.

You scoffed.

“My husband is kind and selfless and he is positively crazy about me. I would be silly not to love him,” you replied.

The blue-eyed man before you threw you a crooked smile, but it lacked humor.

“You still did not answer the question.”

You huffed, crossing your arms over your chest as you looked away.

“What does it matter to you?”

“He says the two of you have been married for a year. The last time I saw you was a little over a year ago... How quickly you-.”

“You do not get to do that, Sherlock Holmes,” you snapped, fighting to keep your voice low.

You cursed yourself for the way your voice cracked, and you frantically blinked away tears. You stumbled back when he took another step towards you, bumping into the table in the process.

“I did nothing but wait around for you for years while you ran off solving case after case and made a name for yourself. I never faulted you for that…just myself for being so incredibly stupid…”

Your eyes met his again, surprised to see anger in them because you could not remember a time the man had ever been angry. It was alright with you though. You were angry too.

“I never once hid my feelings for you…and it got to a point where I could no longer wait for you to do something about it. Something legitimate anyway,” you quietly added.

Having grown up with the man, it was hard not to fall for his intellect, his looks. He was always polite to you, and you always looked at him like he hung the moon. You were not the only one though. You knew that you were one of the many. Your feelings for him had never been a secret, and his lack of reciprocity led you to believe that your love for the man would always be unrequited just like all the other girls. Until it wasn’t.

You could never pinpoint when it had happened, but he had kissed you one day, and it seemed that he could never bring himself to stop kissing you. Until of course, he had to leave again, leaving you behind to wait for his return…whenever that would be. For years this spanned. Spending days, weeks at the most, with him, wrapped up in each other both figuratively and literally until his profession pulled him away from you again and again. It broke your heart every time, but you told yourself that it would not be for naught. You told yourself that he just needed time.

You constantly told yourself that until the day you were out of time.

“Does he know?”

Some of the hardness in his eyes had seeped away, giving way to a fire that you knew all too well. With the table at the back of your legs, you realized that you had nowhere to go as he neared you. The man was always so big, and while you had appreciated that once, it only worried you now. He continued when you refused to respond.

“Does he know that you were mine before he even laid eyes on you?”

Your frown deepened, hating the way he talked about you, but you could not deny the way his words spoke to a part of you that you had tried so hard to bury.

“Does he know that you will always bear the mark of my touch? That your body will always remember the first who played it so well?”

“Stop,” you choked out. “You…you cannot do this.”

It was painful to hear him talk about how he had been your first. How you had given yourself to him wholeheartedly, sure that you would never regret it.

“Why not? Why can I not remind you that you are mine? That you will always be mine?”

He sounded pained, a first for him, and you realized that deep down past the possession and anger…Sherlock was hurt. Maybe all he really needed was time, but life had happened, and you had been forced to make decisions that you did not necessarily care for. Straightening yourself, you stared into his eyes, finding the reflection of you in them.

“…because I am not yours. Not anymore.”

You brushed past him before he could respond, determined to wipe your face and gather yourself before your husband woke up.

Another day passed, and then another, and Sherlock was still here. You had a sneaking suspicion that he was hanging around for more than just another case to solve. Your husband, none the wiser, was more than happy to entertain the renowned detective for as long as he needed. You, on the other hand, felt like you had died and gone straight to hell.

Sherlock’s presence brought up memories you would rather forget. His very face forced you to remember the decisions you had made to avoid a life of ruin, forced you to remember the lie you were currently living. You found yourself crying yourself to sleep now as much as you did in the beginning, and for that, you hated him. You just wanted him to leave and pray that you would never see him again.

The universe or God or whatever higher power controlled the puppet strings to your life had other plans.

It was late in the night when your daughter woke up out of her sleep. Your husband groaned next to you, but you whispered to him that you would deal with it. She did not seem to be hungry, so you took to walking throughout the inn to calm her. She liked that. You strolled up and down the stairs, through the entrance hall, the kitchen, any crevice of the building until she fell into a quiet hush, staring up at you as you hummed.

You were in the sitting room, swaying from side to side, hoping to rock her back to sleep. You loved her dearly, more than you loved yourself, but you loved your sleep almost as much. You cracked a small smile, watching as she ran her eyes over you before something behind you caught her attention. You felt him before you heard him, and you spun around to face the last person you wished to see.

His white shirt was rumpled, and you figured that he had inadvertently fallen asleep at some point. Your wide eyes were on him as he stood before you in all of his glory, and you absentmindedly tightened your hold on your daughter. Neither one of you said a word. You had nothing to say, but there did seem to be something weighing on his mind, although for some reason, he would not voice it. You found yourself eyeing the curls of his hair, his fair complexion and handsome bone structure. The top of his shirt was undone, a sliver of skin winking at you, and you sharply inhaled.

You were still very much in love with Sherlock Holmes.

Would you ever truly be free of him?

As your daughter squirmed in your arms, you were reminded that no, you would not. The man could leave tomorrow, and you could truly get your wish of never seeing him again, and you would still never be free. Her movements grabbed his attention, and as his eyes fell to the baby in your arms, you hated the way he looked at her.

As if he was studying her like one of his cases that needed to be solved.

However, with horror, you realized that he was studying her. You tried to shield her, backing away in the process, but he followed you. His dark brows furrowed, eyes narrowing as he ran them over your daughter. When you passed through the moonlight, the glow catching her eyes, his face hardened, jaw ticking so violently you worried that he would break a tooth.

His eyes snapped to yours, and you could not even find it in yourself to look away. You were frozen. His lips parted, and you feared what he would say, but the sound of your husband’s steps descending the stairs saved you. In only a moment, Sherlock was on the other side of the room, and your husband was there, apologizing to the man if your daughter woke him up.

“Nonsense. I was already awake,” Sherlock told him, and you had a feeling that it was not a lie.

Still, your husband, the kind man that he was, continued to apologize, and you took the opportunity to escape. You could feel Sherlock’s gaze the entire time, fiery and oppressive, and it should not have come as a shock to wake up to him in your bedroom.

Yet somehow, it was.

You should have known something was off when you woke up feeling more well rested than you had in months. The familiar cry of your daughter, a noise that regularly roused you from sleep, was oddly absent. This was what made you realize why you had slept for so long. Upon realizing this, your body immediately filled with worry, and you sat up like the house was on fire.

However, you were not prepared for the hulking frame that was Sherlock Holmes to greet you. He stood by your daughter’s crib, and your heart dropped to your stomach as you slowly slid to the edge of the bed. You shakily reached for him, his name on your lips, and he turned around. You sharply inhaled at the sight of your daughter in his arms, the small thing looking so much smaller while being held in his bands of muscle.

“Give her to me…please,” you whispered.

You did not know why you wanted him away from her. He knew the truth, and as if reading your thoughts, he said:

“Why? Is it not within my rights to hold her? She is mine…is she not?”

His voice was venomous, eyes icy as he looked to you, and you flinched. You settled back down on the bed, shrinking in on yourself as he glared at you. You did not know what to say. What could you say? In the light of day, it was obvious more than ever who her true father was. Why on earth were you feeling guilty? You had no reason to.

“Does he know?” he suddenly asked you, voice low and softer now.

“Of course not,” you tearfully replied.

You hated lying to your husband, but choices had to be made to protect her, to give her a good life. Sherlock heaved a shaky sigh, and you twisted your hands into your nightdress.

“Where is he?”

“He’s gone to town…said he needed to get some things for the inn,” he answered.

You were somehow simultaneously relieved and terrified.

“Sherlock-.”

“So, this is why you married him,” he bitterly said. “This is why you rushed to take his name and forget me so easily.”

“You have no right,” you sneered, standing and rushing towards him.

He moved back, keeping her away from you, and you were tempted to stomp your foot like a child.

“You kept her from me,” he accused, blue eyes boring into your own, and your skin prickled under his cold stare.

“I would not expect you to understand,” you told him.

His handsome face twisted into something ugly, and he stepped towards you.

“Why did you not tell me?”

You sneered at him.

“When was I supposed to do that? I would see you what…3, maybe 4 times a year if I was lucky?”

“You could have written to me!”

She squirmed in his arms, making a noise of protest, and you reached out, shushing her, but again, he held her out of your reach. You clenched your hands into fists, chest aching as he forced you to talk about what you had done.

“…and how was I to find you? How was I to know you would receive my letter in time? You were gallivanting all over the country, Sherlock. I would have been showing by the time I waited for you to turn up.”

He at least had the decency to look a tad sheepish, and he glanced down at the baby in his arms.

“Of course, you do not get it. You are not a woman. I did not have time or options. Decisions had to be made for both me and my daughter’s sake, and unfortunately, they had to be made without you.”

He did not respond, and you watched the way he looked at her. When you had first found out, this was everything you had wanted. You had dreamed of him looking at her just like that, but then reality had set in and crushed those dreams. Reluctantly, he handed her back to you, and you pressed your lips to her forehead. You felt his large hand on the top of your head, and when you looked up, his eyes were on you.

“Leave with me,” he whispered.

Pain etched across your features, and you shook your head.

“I cannot.”

“Yes, you can. She is mine, not his, and you love me…not him.”

You did not acknowledge the fact that he saw right through you no matter how much you pretended otherwise. Again, you shook your head and backed away from him.

“I cannot do that to him. He is a good man, and he does not deserve that,” you told him.

Sherlock stepped towards you until his body heat was all you could feel, and you looked down, avoiding his eye.

“So, am I to leave? Never to see you again and just allow him to raise my daughter as his own? Forget about you?”

“Yes.”

You regretted it almost as soon as you said it, but what else could you do? Running away with him was not an option. People would talk. Ruin would follow your name, and anything between you and the man before you would not be legitimate. You had to think of your daughter first. Before he could say anything else, the sound of the front door opening reached your ears, and your wide eyes found his.

You did not say anything, but you silently begged him to do what you wanted. Sherlock looked as if he wanted to do the complete opposite of what you wanted, face troubled and brows furrowed, but eventually, he relented. Reluctantly, he stepped back and exited your room, slipping downstairs and into his own.

Sherlock stayed at your inn for a little over a week, only 2 other guests passing through in that time. When your husband was gone, you allowed him to hold your daughter, and you had no idea how much you would be affected by the sight of the burly man holding the doll sized child in his arms. You knew that it got harder and harder for him to hand her back to you, and you worried what would happen when it came time for him to leave.

She was currently with him now while you cleaned one of the rooms that a guest had stayed in. Your husband had gone to get ingredients for the kitchen, and you were relieved to be alone with your thoughts. Not once had you ever regretted your decisions, but now you were having second thoughts. You would love for your daughter to grow up with her real father in her life, but it just would not be possible. There were so many things that you wanted that were no longer possible. It was bittersweet, sure, but you were glad that Sherlock got to know her for a short time versus having never known her at all.

You had just stripped the bed, turning to get more sheets when you were startled by the man himself in the doorway. You pressed your hand to your chest, fighting to slow your heart as you curiously looked at him. Your brows furrowed as you looked for your daughter.

“She’s asleep,” he said, answering your silent question.

“Oh,” you responded, relieved. “Is something wrong?”

He pursed his lips, stepping into the room, and you blinked at him.

“I cannot do it,” he suddenly said, shaking his head.

Dread settled in your gut, but you pressed him for the answers that you already knew.

“What do you mean…?”

He neared you, and you leaned back a bit at his close proximity.

“You cannot ask this of me-.”

“Sherlock-.”

“I will not do it. I will not just walk away!”

“You have to-!”

“That is my daughter. That is our daughter. You expect me to just go on and pretend that she does not exist?”

You looked away from him, overwhelmed with panic as he wrapped his hands around your arms.

“You both will leave with me,” he whispered. “I will right my wrongs-.”

“I cannot-.”

“I do not care about him. He is nothing to me,” he sneered. “He is the man who has laid claim to something that does not belong to him.”

“I am not yours anymore!”

You both stared each other down, and you frowned when he pushed you back until you felt the wall behind you. His eyes were wild with so many emotions. Anger, pain, desperation, jealousy, and the one that was a constant when he was with you, hunger.

“You will always be mine,” he murmured, leaning in.

You turned your head away, and his lips met your cheek.

“You surrendered your body to me, and it has been mine ever since. I was the first to touch you…and I shall be the last.”

His lips found yours against your will, and with his hands on your arms, you could not push him away. You had forgotten what his lips felt like, what he tasted like, but none of that mattered because you were a married woman now. Sherlock was your past and that was where he needed to remain. You opened your mouth to tell him that, to protest, but he merely took the opportunity to reacquaint himself with the taste of your tongue.

He released you only to press his hands onto your hips, and you pushed against his chest. His moan told you that it had no effect, and your panic grew when he stepped back, pulling you with him. His hands were everywhere as you fought against him, and although your mind protested what was happening, your body, having been accustomed to his euphoric touch for so long, melted under the familiar ministrations.

He had you on your back in no time, tearing your dress off of you with ease. Your pleas fell on deaf ears, the man before you equal to that of a man starved, and his eyes and mouth and hands had one goal in mind and that was to get inside of you in any way possible.

“We cannot do this,” you gasped the minute he pulled away, but it was as if he did not hear you. “Sherlock!”

Your efforts to get him off of you only increased when you realized that he was almost as naked as you were. His lips tasted your neck and chest, and you sharply yelped when his teeth nipped at you.

“I have half a mind to mark your skin as you have marked my soul,” he whispered. “…to show that husband of yours what it truly means to claim you.”

You pressed your nails into his chest when he slid inside of you, hips meeting yours in a way that you had not felt for over a year. A satisfied moan left him, and you could not stop the way you clenched around his length, your body missing the feel of him. Still, you pushed against him, shaking your head with tear-filled eyes as he began to move. The next time you opened your mouth to protest, a choked moan came out instead, and you sunk your teeth into your lip.

“Feel the way you cling to me…the way your body loosens up to what it knows so well.”

He was right. He knew how to play your body like an instrument, knowing exactly what to do to make you sing, but that did not make it right. Your hands pushing against his shoulders and chest were of no use, and so you resorted to begging.

“Please…stop,” you pleaded in between breaths, but he merely shook his head.

“No,” he plainly said, hands greedily pressing into some of the baby weight that remained. “I have gone without you for far too long, and that is a mistake I will never make again.”

Your body was on fire from his thrusts, and you were hardly coherent enough o be having this conversation.

“You cannot just…you cannot just steal us away-.”

“I cannot steal what is rightfully mine,” he purred, wrapping his lips around a hardened bud.

Your lashes fluttered, and you dug your nails into his skin, pushing against him, but again, he was immoveable. Your vision was blurry from your tears now, and you squeezed your eyes shut when he completely fell over you, arms pressed into the bed beside your head, caging you in until all you could see and smell was him.

You reminded of your first time. It had been nighttime then, and he had ordered you to relax and take what pleasure he bestowed upon you. He had taken his time to figure out what your body liked and what your body loved, but he had been completely in control. Now seemed no different. Sherlock was once again completely in control of your body, forcing you to accept whatever pleasure he pushed onto you.

Someone could have entered the inn, looking for a place to stay, and you would not have known. Your husband could have long returned, and you would be none the wiser. He kissed you, a gentle action that was a far cry from his powerful thrusts, and you could taste your tears on his lips.

“I would have come running,” he suddenly whispered into your mouth. “The second I found out, I would have come for you.”

His eyes flitted between your terrified ones, and he continued.

“I would have made an honest woman out of you. I would have been by your side every step of the way.”

You shook your head, not wanting to hear what could have been.

“I would have loved to see you round and swollen with my daughter, but this is our second chance.”

You came around him before he soon followed, coating your insides with a groan, lips furiously covering your own. You were so conflicted. Your body felt more satisfied than it had been in a year, heart swelling at the thought of getting the future you really wanted, but you were so angry with him, angry with what he had just done to you.

You hit at him the minute he pulled out of you, sitting up and taking you with him. It was as if your hits did not phase him at all, and he merely shushed you, wrapping his arms around you as he pulled you into his chest.

“I will do the talking,” he started, pressing his lips into your hair, ignoring the way you cried and shook in his hold. “I will explain to him that I am taking back what is mine, and I will walk out of here with you and our daughter at my side, right where you belong.”

     ~

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[lubdubsworld]

Blackberry Winters.

PART 1 🌸 PART 2

Namjoon Werewolf Au!! 

Pack Head Alpha Namjoon and mate OC!

Arranged marriage sort of?

Pack dynamics / strangers to lovers. 

Part 3

“You did not think to tell him no? To demand that you had every right to stay there?” Her mother in law looked disappointed ,  eyes trained on her as Jiah carefully pulled the blouse of the tunic down over her tummy, frowning when she realized that it didn’t do a thing for her figure.

She felt self conscious, the grey cotton of the tunic making her feel drab and lifeless. Why did she always choose clothes in colors like this? Why did none of them fit her right? Why did she never make an effort to look at least a little good. Her hair was limp, a mousy brown and while it was thick, it had no luster… Why didn’t she use one of the hundred powdered mixtures the village healer liked to give the younger women?

“Jiah, are you listening to me?” Namjoon’s mother said sharply and Jiah jumped a bit, guilty.

“I didn’t want to be a bother..”  She said nervously, not sure how to handle her mother in law. On the one hand she seemed to be understanding of her many hang ups, but she also looked impatient and upset, anytime Jiah failed to stand up for herself.

Lady Kim drew herself up to her impressive height and Jiah cowered. She’d hung around enough pack bonfires to recognize that stance and that gaze. The woman was about to give her a piece of her mind.

Sure enough, her voice thundered when she addressed her.

“If you keep viewing yourself as a bother, I’m not sure how others will begin seeing you as anything else. You’re the head alpha’s mate. Your place is by his side, helping him with the crown on his head. It’s not a choice. Your duties are not mine and I am tired of doing them for you.” She snapped.

It stung. Guilt churned and Jiah could feel the beginnings of one of her episodes. The ones that always left her shaking and breathless. Much to her surprise, Lady Kim’s gaze softened at that and the next second she was being drawn into a warm embrace.

“Good lord child, why are you so terrified? Has my family not been kind enough to take away this stark terror out of your veins?” She sighed deeply. “You must not let your fears dictate your life. I want you to live your life, pleasing the person you’re bound to .”

Jiah felt her shoulders sag. Please the person she was bound to.  Of course. Namjoon. It all came down to the alpha wolf. And how was she supposed to please him, if he couldn’t bear to be in the same room as her?

“Yourself.” Lady Kim’s voice, laced with amusement made her jump.

Jiah frowned, pulling back to look at the older woman in confusion.

“You’re bound only to yourself , Jiah. You need to please yourself. To do and be the person you want to be. And then everything else will fall into place.”

Jiah watched as the woman went back to the door, calling for and directing a few more workers as they finished setting up the outer courtyard of her living quarters. Still a little chilled, she grabbed a thick coat from the small cupboard by the door, draping it over herself and tying it together with the sash. She moved quickly to the door, watching her mother in law talk to the workers, looking them straight in the eye , firm and clear in her instructions.

It was fascinating.

Lady Kim’s stance fairly vibrated with power and her voice brooked no disobedience. People looked at her and listened. They saw someone who knew what she was talking about and many a time, Jiah had felt it herself, the comfort of someone reliable. Someone who wished no ill on anyone.

Namjoon’s mother had lost her husband at a young age. Namjoon had scarcely been a babe of two when it had happened and the entire pack had expected the young wolf to lose his birthright as the heir. It was unheard of for a mate to take over the head alpha’s duties but Lady Kim had risen to the occasion with an elegance that had stunned everyone. The woman had met pack leaders and settled disputes, had negotiated boundary conflicts and made elaborate plans for new buildings , all while carrying around a babe that was still fed at her breast.

What was more, she had defended her position against the men who had wanted to usurp it. Mnhyuk and Jaejoon were two of her husband’s cousins, eager to sink their fangs into the woman to mate her, just to be able to get their hands on the pack. They were terrible men , even worse wolves. Their ideas on how the pack ought to be run dripping with archaic ideals and oppression of women.

But Lady Kim had humiliated them, told the whole pack in no uncertain terms that the next pack alpha would be Kim Namjoon. Her son would be raised to rule the pack with kindness and understanding and she would make sure of it.

The tales were told with hushed tones of disbelief and admiration and Jiah had listened to them with hunger and aching. Had felt such a huge surge of affection for the matron , had wanted to hug her and tell her she had done a great job.

And standing here as her daughter in law, she realized that she would be a fool not to listen to her. Not to learn from her. Especially when it was obvious that in the entire pack, the only one who didn’t seem to hold Kim Namjoon on a pedestal, was ironically his own mother.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“ They’re going to challenge you again. I can feel it.” Taehyung said gruffly, dropping the bundle of scrolls on the table and Namjoon flinched, head throbbing.

“That bad?” He asked hesitantly and Taehyung nodded.

“They want you to re-negotiate that treaty about courtesans owning property. Think it would make them quit the profession… if you let them own stuff” Seokjin said quietly and Namjoon bristled.

“They are no different from any of us. They work for their pay too. Why shouldn’t they be allowed to do what they wish with money that they’ve earned?” He demanded angrily.

“You’re a good man Namjoon. A fair one. And you’re striving to build a pack that treats all it members as equals . Obviously people who thrive on abusing their power aren’t going to like that. Especially Minhyuk and Jaejoon’s pups. Those two are terrible.”

“You should accept their challenge and just rip their throats out someday.” Taehyung said firmly AND Namjoon gave him a glare.

“I’m not going to shed blood without cause, Taehyung. Don’t suggest that. Even in passing.” He said firmly and the younger beta bowed politely in apology.

“Where is Jiah?” Seokjin asked casually.

Namjoon glanced at him, brows raised.

“Since when are you so familiar with my mate, hyung?”

Seokjin rolled his eyes.

“She used to come sit with me, when I watched over the herds on the outer pastures. Sweet little thing really. Very funny too.”

That made Namjoon pause.

“Funny?” He asked, completely confused.

“Witty. She would make these clever little riddles and jokes that would always leave me in stitches. We made a game of it. I would give her one of my funny jokes and she would give me a riddle. Is she feeling better now?”

Namjoon who was still kind of struck dumb by the idea of his cowering, reticent mate doing something as…. Normal and friendly as laughing and being witty….. could only stare at Seokjin in confusion.

“I…. Yes. She’s well. We’re expecting a pup.” He said softly.

Both Taehyung and Seokjin went still.

“What?!!! Why didn’t you say that first?!!” Taehyung exclaimed, offended.

“It’s not that important…” Namjoon waved it off, reaching for the scrolls , “ what about the treaties, then? You did tell Jungkook we aren’t changing anything right?”  

Seokjin scoffed.

“ Only you would say that these treaties are more important than your own pup.” He snapped.

Namjoon sighed a bit at that.

“I don’t mean that. I’m just saying, what she needs now is to rest and take care of herself and the baby. I’m not what she needs . I’ve arranged for her to stay in some private quarters with the other women.”

Seokjin sighed deeply. After years of being one of Namjoon’s trusted friends, he could feel his heart ache for the younger and all that he hid from the people around him. He reached out and gently placed a palm on Namjoon’s shoulder.

“ Namjoon, you don’t have to do all of this by yourself. Tae and I , we can take over duties a couple of days a week… You can relax… Maybe spend some time with your new wife….”

“She hates me.” Namjoon said softly. “ I spent a whole month trying to talk to her, all she did was tremble and shake. Even when we…” Namjoon exhaled sharply, “ Even in bed , she made me feel like I was some kind of…. Predator.”

Taehyung bit his lips, looking worried.

“You’re not… You’re not going to break the bond are you?” He asked nervously.

Namjoon sighed.

“I’m not. I may have considered it, before . But now… She’s with pup. I can’t do that to her. I don’t want to either.”

“Why did you pick her?”

Namjoon stayed quiet.

“Because you wanted a wife who wouldn’t ask or demand or complain.” Taehyung said distastefully.

“That’s not… You make it sound so terrible. I’m supposed to be taking over pack duties, supposed to renegotiate every single treaty we’ve drawn in the past twenty years, not to mention get the entire pack ready for the winter…. Of course I wanted a wife who would adjust. Have you seen the omegas in our clan? The ones I could court ? They want to leave on trips… They want to visit the neighbouring packs…. They want me to arrange festivities and feasts for every damn thing…. You think I can marry someone like that??” Namjoon snapped angrily. “none of them understand a damn thing about helping me out. They’re shallow and vain. Jiah… I chose her because she didn’t seem like one of them. She seemed like she could understand what it means to be my wife. But I was wrong. I thought she understood my responsibilities and was giving me my space…. Turns out she just thinks I’m some kind of monster she needs to run and hide from.”

Seokjin reached out, patting his back soothingly.

“Namjoon I understand… It’s been hard on you, and you’ve been doing all of it by yourself. Its bound to take a toll. And that’s why I think you should take a few days off, a week. Give us all the instructions. We’ll carry it all out. You can relax.”

“That’s exactly what my uncles want. For me to slack off. They’ll summon the council and want to challenge me again. I can’t afford it. “ Namjoon shook his head.” Not until the babe is born and my position as pack alpha is solidified. I can’t let them use this against me.”

Seokjin and Taehyung exchanged looks.

“Joon-ah….”

Namjoon gave both of them a tired smile.

“I’ll be fine hyung. It’s going to be okay.”  He said reassuringly. “ The council’s meeting tomorrow right? I’ll try to go over these tonight.”

“Its already past sundown.” Taehyung said worriedly.

“Then I better ask the maids to keep enough oil for the lamp to last.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“What are you doing here?” Namjoon blinked, staring at her like she was out of her mind and Jiah flinched. Maybe this whole thing was a mistake. But the sight of him made something curl in the pit of her stomach. He looked exhausted. Like he had been up all night. She wondered if perhaps she ought to retreat. Go back to the private quarters he’d arranged for her.

No. No , you will not chicken out of this.

“ You have a council meeting, this evening. Could I come with you?.” She said softly, watching his face carefully. She tried to read his emotions, tried to look for traces of irritation or anger but all she found was a sort of hopeless resignment. Like he had stopped trying to fight whatever was bringing him down.

“Come with me….?? ” Namjoon stared at her like he wasn’t quite sure what she was talking about.

She inhaled sharply.

“Your mother told me I could go. As your mate, I’m allowed to sit in on council meetings. She told me it’s a new provision. That you were the one who had it written in. So perhaps, you should… let me come with you.”

“My mother-“ He paused, sighing. “ You don’t have to do everything my mother asks you to.”

She blinked, the words throwing her off. The truth was, she had been the one, tailing the older woman all day, trying to see what she did and how she did it. Lady Kim had merely offered to help her do her duties. She had mentioned in passing, that for centuries , mates hadn’t been granted many rights of their own. Namjoon had spent the past couple of years making a lot of amendments to pack laws and the council hadn’t taken to kindly to all of them.

“ Of course. I just thought that, as I am your mate , perhaps I should accompany you. ” It was a miracle, the way her voice came out, steady . Not at all betraying the nervousness coursing through her veins.

“Jiah…. I’m not sure.” His voice dripped with hesitation and she flinched. Oh, well, no one could blame her for not trying.

“If you don’t want me there, that’s fine.” She said quickly.” I’ll go…”

She turned around, feeling her face burn red as she quickly descended the stairs to the courtyard.

“Jiah wait!!” His voice made her still.

She turned around swiftly.

“I didn’t mean to imply that I did not want you there. I just….Council meetings aren’t short. They tend to go on for hours. Will you be alright?” He asked gently, gaze dropping surreptitiously to her middle.  

It took her a minute to understand what he was even talking about.

“I… Oh.” She quickly pressed her palms to her stomach, confused. “ I mean… I may have to be excused a couple of times to relieve myself. I’ve been doing that way more often than usual.” She laughed.

Namjoon’s lips quirked in a hint of a smile and she flushed. Surely, her stern mate didn’t want to hear about her body functions? What was she even doing…

“But, yes. I wouldn’t mind sitting with you. Truly.” She said quickly.

Namjoon nodded.

“Well, then. You can come with me. It’s an hour before sundown… I’ll come fetch you myself.”

“Yes , alpha.” She said brightly, curtsying lightly and immediately feeling like a fool.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“They’re called red feathers …” The healer, a middle aged woman called Selma,  opened a small earthenware jar to show her the contents. Jiah peered into the jar, catching sight of a bundle of dried flowers and roots.

“These can help me…?” She asked dubiously and Selma gave a quiet chuckle.

“They help you sleep better and also help you relax. They’re good for you. You won’t feel this anxious if you take them regularly.” She said calmly.

“Oh… alright.” Jiah nodded, glancing carefully at her mother in law who was standing elsewhere, looking through an assortment of salves and tinctures. “ Can I…. is this safe for Namjoon?”

Lady Kim stilled, turning around to glance at her sharply and Jiah stiffened. God, her impulsive mouth. She wasn’t even sure why she said it. Just the whole , helps sleep better , had immediately reminded her of how tired Namjoon had looked.

“I’ve already tried to get him to drink some of it. He refuses.” Lady Kim said tiredly. “ He feels that it may affect his mental faculties”

“Auntie Selma?” A high, soft voice rang through the hut and Jiah glanced up. She went still, catching sight of Jisoo, dressed in red velvet and all of her ornate jewelry.

“Ah… Jisoo…you’re back.” Selma said cheerfully. “ How can I help you child?”

Jisoo stared at her, eyes steady and unreadable.

“I need some wild carrot seeds and ginger roots.” She said softly and Lady Kim scoffed.

“I hope the man you’re taking into your bed is not who I think it is , Jisoo.” She growled. The younger woman merely bowed.

“I’m but a courtesan, my lady. I go where I am asked to.” She said softly.

Lady Kim sighed.

“Then perhaps you should go back home. Now.” She said sharply and jisoo flushed and ugly red.

“Your son wants me to visit him for tea , this evening. I was hoping to meet my lovely lady there…but I hear you no longer stay in his hut.” Jisoo turned to her, tone dripping with acid and Jiah swallowed nervously.

“I… I’m…” She couldn’t quite talk, much less think of something to say.

“Because she is with child.” Lady Kim said sharply, a hint of triumph in her tone. “ Namjoon’s child.”

Jisoo had gone paper white, her face pale and bloodless.

“What?” She whispered.

“It’s true. She carries my son’s heir. You know what that means, Jisoo. It means they are bound, for life. I like you. I respect your courage and admire your talents. You are beautiful and you deserve a mate of your own. Do not pursue my son.” Lady Kim said firmly.

Jisoo didn’t respond for a few seconds.  

And then she bowed again .

“Like I said, my lady. I only go where I am called.” She said quietly.

She turned on her heels, stalking away and Jiah could only stare after her, heart pounding a bit at what had just happened. She wasn’t sure why she felt so much disquiet. She’d never had high hopes of fidelity from Namjoon. The entire village knew that Jisoo had been his paramour. But now that she had seen how dismissive the younger girl was of her, she felt the unaccountable urge to fight back. To stake her claim.

“You look pretty upset. Don’t let her bother you. Namjoon will not break his vows.” Lady Kim said quietly and Jiah gave her a soft smile, although her heart still raced. She remembered how pretty the girl had looked in all her brocades and velvets. She stared down at her own murky yellow dress. She couldn’t go to the council meeting, dressed worse than a courtesan. Couldn’t embarrass Namjoon like that.

“ My Lady….” She turned to her mother in law. The older woman hummed, returning to examining the shelves.

“What is it, child?”

“Can we stop at the seamstress’ hut on our way back?”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Whatever Namjoon had been expecting, as he knocked on his wife’s private quarters, it hadn’t been this.

He stared , or to be more accurate, gaped at his wife, completely thrown by her appearance.

She looked…. Cheerful.

That was the only word he could think of, taking in the warm yellow and green fabric of her gown, all with an abundance of ribbons and lace. She had also clearly made some effort to tame her hair.

Not a very successfully attempt, considering the dozen strands sticking out of her bun and curling over her bare neck and shoulders …..but an attempt nonetheless.

Which reminded him.

Why was her neck bare?

“I…. have you forgotten… part of your dress…?” He asked awkwardly, gaze trained on the pale, blemish less expanse of skin in front of him. Too much of it was on display he felt.

“Oh?” Jiah twirled about for a second, glancing at herself. “ Not at all, my alpha. This is how it is.”

Namjoon blinked.

“Right… the night is getting colder. Perhaps a shawl?” He suggested tactfully.

Jiah frowned, sticking a hand out of the door as though to the gauge the night air.

“Really? Feels quite warm to me.” She said thoughtfully.  

“It may be cold for the baby.” He said quickly and that made her pause. She glanced back down at her tummy and he wondered what she expected to see, every time she did that.

“Perhaps you’re right alpha….let me be back.” She floated back into the hut and he sighed in relief when she reappeared with a white fleece shawl over her shoulders.

“Shall we go ?” She asked quietly and he hesitated before slowly offering her his arm. She gripped it lightly, and they began the short walk to the main village square where the council usually convened.

“You… You’re better adjusted to this place now?” He asked carefully, trying to find the girl he had taken to his bed. The terrified, nervous , trembling young girl.

Jiah didn’t respond at once.

“I… I’ve been drinking some of Selma’s potions. They help.” She said quietly and he frowned.

“Potions? Potions for what?”

“They help with my nerves. I get scared easily…imagine things ….” She trailed off nervously.” I’m very anxious by nature and it gets worse in a new place. With new people.”

Namjoon considered that carefully. That made sense. Perhaps, that was why she had been so odd.

“The potions help?” He asked carefully and she nodded.

“Yes…that and your mother.”

“My mother?”

“She’s very kind to me.”

Namjoon laughed a bit at that. In all the years he has had people talking to him about his mother, the word ‘kind ‘ had never come up.

“ I’m being honest….she has helped me adapt to this place. To see how things are run. I… I don’t want to be a bother. I want to pull my weight. In the pack. To help in any way I can…”

Namjoon felt a sudden unaccountable fondness bloom in his chest at the innocent words.

“ That’s very virtuous of you.” He said seriously and she flushed.

They didn’t say anything else, continuing the rest of the path in companionable silence Namjoon spotted the seven council members gathered around a blazing fire and lightly stepped closer to her.

“You can stay close to me. You don’t have to answer them.  If they try to draw you into any controversial topic, just ignore them. I’ll handle it.” He said quickly.

Jiah gave him a wide eyed, nervous look but nodded quickly, fingers moving from his forearm to his palm , linking with his own and gripping tight.

“I’m here. You’re not alone.” She said quickly and it was ridiculous, how the words actually helped him relax just a little.

Taking a deep breath, he led her on to the meeting.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Author’s Note : i thinks its about time i accepted that this is a full blown fic and not just a drabble. fuck my life. 

Note : Red feathers are actually herbal medicines used as anti depressants. So this is just werewolf au equivalent of therapy.