#i GET that psychiatric diagnoses are meaningless but also i would like a label so i know im notnjust supposed to feel this way

[narutomaki]

really going through it because for some reason my brain is being so much more of an asshole recently

even if I've never done something I'm convinced I've done it and must somehow make up for having done it which idk is thay a victim complex? I've always jokingly said I've had one but I've had like. delusions (??) that tidal waves and hurricanes and earthquakes are my fault for being happy/alive since I was like. 12.

and they've like shrunk/gone away in recent years but now I'm convinced global warming is my fault because I have an air purifier and used to smoke.

this is how I feel about my mental health lmao

[gynandromorph]

also, i hope now that i’ve cleared the air a little more about my own brain problems that it’s obvious why i’m heavily shifting away from characters with schizophrenia and psychotic symptoms and more towards characters with dissociative symptoms. i don’t think that people with psychosis always have dissociative disorders and i don’t know where one draws the line between probable dissociative disorder versus meaningless hallucinations. i know plenty of people with DID and OSDD and not all of them have psychotic symptoms like me and i don’t think that all of my symptoms are meaningful. it’s an extremely difficult and blurry line to walk and it’s not really enjoyable to a brain that likes order and categorization for structure. what i do know is that people who are only diagnosed for psychotic symptoms and go on to reject psychiatric evaluation and form self-advocacy networks that embrace their symptoms tend to have improvements to their overall quality of life similar to people with dissociative disorders who learn to accept and openly engage with their symptoms. i don’t know how much of that is due to overlap in diagnostics versus the basic premise that unconditional love and companionship will universally improve the human condition. what i also know is that a long string of misdiagnoses, which is EXTREMELY par for the course for DID, really, REALLY damaged my ability to contend with my experiences in a productive or even just like, tolerable way. being able to refer to my own feelings or memories as intrusive thoughts or hallucinations or delusions just like my doctors decided was monumentally harmful to me in ways i still don’t know how to grapple with sometimes. even these feelings are obviously, internally, mixed but i do know that i have still NEVER portrayed a character who i consider to have symptoms LIKE MINE, except for outis, and the person i am now, i don’t think that having a character with my symptoms presented as primarily schizophrenic and tortured by voices and visions would be like. good. for me. i don’t think it would be good for somebody like me to see even if it would feel good at the time. i still have a lot of conflicting and extremely tangled opinions and emotions about the topic and i don’t know how to sort them and i just know that i would feel extremely uncomfortable proceeding in the way i had previously intended to proceed with several characters, namely outis, not because it’s bad, but just because, i don’t know. i don’t know anymore, i don’t know where i’m supposed to draw the line and what’s unreal and what’s something i’m actually feeling but just feel detached from and what’s self-destruction and what’s lucid insight and it means i don’t know where to draw the line between symptoms that were labeled psychotic due to a complete lack of empathy when they are just trauma and dissociation vs. legitimate psychosis from stress, and i don’t want to write about something i feel so deeply unsure about, i barely have enough room to breathe just to sort out my current feelings to keep my head above water so i’m not really ready to say i’ll have it all figured out by the time i get around to needing to write about it either

[light-of-being]

On being uncertain if you’re neurodivergent

(I’m kinda responding to this post over here because while i doubt the last addition was derailment, putting this there would definitely be a complete hijack because this is a larger thing I’ve been meaning to write about and that post was more a prompt than a thing I’m directly replying to)

@intpdreamer​ said:

I have to ask. How strongly do you need to relate for this to be a valid thing to ask yourself? I relate much more strongly to how autistic people describe their experience of and interactions with the world than how most nt people do, but I'm scared to presume too much from that for fear of being That Person. But surely some people who relate to a lot of nd traits really do do so because of an undiagnosed neurodivergency? I completely get why the "we're all a bit" conclusion is bad and why being scared of being neurodivergent would be offensive, but how is someone supposed to know if they're "nt downplaying what a trait really means and concluding they have it" vs "actually neurodivergent but undiagnosed relating to the trait because they do have it"?

General prelude: this is apparently a controversial opinion and probably not representative of the broader ND community. I have only limited expertise, but I do have some. My tl;dr answer to the “how do you know” question at the end is mostly “you likely don’t” with some “i guess that’s what diagnosis is meant for?” and some “make sure you really understand what the trait is about, how pervasive and significant it is, and whether you also have other ones”

How to tell?

I don’t believe neurodivergent vs neurotypical to be a discrete thing. By which I mean, it’s not like there’s some idk structure in some person’s brain and not in another that you can be like, “you’re neurodivergent. you’re not.” Brains are incredibly fkin messy. So, there’s a whole miscellany of differences in like, size of structures or sensitivity or connectivity, each of which is probably continuous...but the combination of them is definitely continuous.

Which is not to say there’s some clear definable “spectrum” from “Maximally Neurotypical” to “Maximally Neurodivergent” (I mean, I guess you could add shit up or something but it’s not really very meaningful). Here’s a representation made by an autistic person:

(full comic)

So, at some point, we pick some sort of threshold to define what is significant aberration for any given trait, and how many traits you gotta have to Have The Condition. How do we decide it? Well, clinically, it goes like “does this thing fuck with your life?” (for how many, we test it out on lots of people and kinda sorta figure whether we think having x amount over- or underdecides people with significant effects; there’s a lot of judgement involved and it’s broadly agreed that there isn’t nearly enough of this done for it to be very accurate -- your clinician is meant to use their judgement on each particular case).

There’s a misconception that this is particular to psychiatric diagnoses, but it’s like, most shit. A person in that thread mentioned diabetes...that’s continuous, too. We picked out a threshold for that, too. The only difference is that there’s things you can quantitavely measure and find out at exactly what point it is that shit starts fucking with your life. (“everybody’s a little X” is still pretty silly and meaningless for both)

What this means is that there’s a lot of people who are in fact clear-cut neurotypical or neurodivergent...but there’s also a bunch of people hovering around the threshold point where it’s just like...??? up to judgement. And if you’ve never been diagnosed, it’s absolutely likely that you may be in any of those 3 groups and it’d be a complex call to make.

There’s a whole raaange of shit recommended for assessment, some of which you can self-administer (I think many of the listed instruments can be found here) if you really want to.

But I think...if you make an effort to understand autism/other neurodivergence and the specific traits you’re thinking of, it’s generally unlikely that you’re "nt downplaying what a trait really means and concluding they have it". That usually comes from people who’ve made no such effort. IF you know an ND person who’s happy to discuss (like, pls don’t expect them to do that), they could probably help confirm/deny whether you’re correctly understanding the trait.

And of course, if you vaguely relate to like, ONE or two traits, it’s probably disingenuous to presume. But if you consistently relate to many/most traits, have made effort to understand what they mean beyond face value, and they’re significant enough to affect your life beyond quirks, you’re probably good. But...

Does it really matter?

The chief purpose of formal diagnosis is treatment, research and resources (e.g. disability benefits). I’d venture that the purposes of informal identification with a diagnosis (or label in general) include understanding, community, communication and resources (e.g. information). I’m not sure which of these (or others) you’re seeking, but understanding and resources are free. I back using whatever frameworks are available to you to help understand yourself better. Asking yourself is 100% your right at all times.

The difficulty only really comes in with the community and communication aspects. So, let’s imagine you go wrong -- you’re actually NT but you read a couple things and decide you’re autistic. You start participating as a member in conversations about autism and telling people you’re autistic. What does that mean? 

So, chances are that if you’re extrapolating from your personal experiences but are actually NT, you’re wrong about a bunch of shit. You’re now creating or reinforcing a bunch of misconceptions about autism to NTs. You’re also trivialising autistic people’s experiences by behaving as though your quirks are a whole thing. This is bad. 

If you made and are continuing to make efforts to listen and understand, you’re probably not doing this too much. And upon considering it, you could probably reduce it further. But maybe it’s better if you don’t do it at all?

It’s my experience that people of the form “I think I might be X” are welcomed in many communities of X if approached sincerely (it’s also been my experience that they’re quite enthusiastic to help you understand because a lot of them also didn’t realise for a very long time and it improved their lives substantially when they did). Also, if you say “I think I might be X” to some random person in your life and proceed to do dumb shit that would’ve spread misconceptions, it’s a lot less likely that this person will go on to say, “this is what X people are like”.

So that’s probably a sensible middle ground where you don’t have to be 100% sure but you can still get (and add!) value from the descriptor.

Bit of a personal comment

So, with me...my psychiatrist suspects I’m autistic, and so did my mother (although she’s clueless and doesn’t count). The hospital diagnosed me with a personality disorder, and strongly suggested bipolar in the terms used in their comments. My psychiatrist has not diagnosed me with bipolar, but is nevertheless treating me with mood stabilisers. She also wanted me to test for epilepsy. I strongly suspect ADHD. Suffice to say, I have no fucking clue what’s actually going on with my brain and it seems neither does anyone else. The only thing we all agree on is there’s definitely something.

So, in the end, I read and apply shit from all sources, and I ID as generic “neurodivergent”.

Diagnoses and labels are very useful tools, but at the end of the day, they’re just that -- tools. And sometimes they can be very stupid and limited. Think things through properly and understand them well; be considerate and don’t impose; and then do what you think is best for you.

[theupwardmind-blog]

Note: As of this posting, I’m doing swell, which is just a testament to how quickly a mood can change. Still, I’m going to post it in its entirety because when I wrote it, I really needed to.

…

Guess what? The last few days have been, by and large, not great.

I work my ass off to not feel like total garbage: Daily meditation, a pretty rad diet, a lot of running, sobriety, journaling, baths… and of course I’ve done my rounds in therapy and with medication. In spite of these efforts, the thought that has dominated my mind lately has been along the lines of: “I’m going to blow my brains out.” (Please know that I wouldn’t be putting this on my blog if it was really a concern.)

I keep wanting to drink (I haven’t) and sometimes I get devastatingly lonely. I know I have created my current circumstances—and we all have, whether we like it or not—but of course I don’t know why. I recently texted a loved one that my “5-year plan” involves getting back into binge drinking and shooting myself in the head off of a cliff. I was kidding, but there really are times when I feel, sincerely, that I am Not Okay, like at all, and I don’t think there is anything that will help. At night I ask the universe to just make me normal and good, but I never wake up normal and good. I wake up the same me who falls short in every regard, who doesn’t love correctly, who isn’t open enough, patient enough, consistent enough, un-thinky enough, kind enough, calm enough, or safe enough. I do not always act like who I am, and I haven’t yet figured out how to fix that permanently.

Why am I posting this even though I try to be all about light and the possibility of well-being? First, it’s real. We are supposed to share our experiences with one another, and I know that the feelings I have are shared by millions of others. The second we fall into the trap of believing our isolation, depression, grief, and self-loathing are any different than those felt by the rest of humanity, we become doubly lost.

Positivity and spirituality are sometimes treated as synonyms, and that’s just not genuine. The path embraces all feelings and states of mind, and it is generally understood that (for a while anyway) waking up hurts. And, even when it’s really horrible, I know that all of my feelings and thoughts are teaching me something. For whatever reason, I haven’t gotten the lesson. If I’d gotten it, this shit would cease. Maybe the lesson is simply in impermanence itself: Never, ever expect to feel All Good, because you will never, ever be static.

Mainly I’m posting this because hiding brings its own kind of pain. When we do this, we deny our true selves to the people who want to love us. It feels worse to hide, even though it definitely feels super uncool to write about my feelings, too. I also know I’m running the risk of sounding dramatic, and at some point—maybe tomorrow, maybe next week, probably right after I hit “Publish”—I’ll regret posting it. Soon, I’ll file away this time period away into that which I psychologically label “a tantrum.”

The point is: I’m better than I’ve ever been, and still, I am This.

…

In spite of the intensity of these emotions, I remain unwilling to consider myself ill. I will not accept the bipolar story and I will not label myself “disordered.” This narrative doesn’t serve me, and if anything it damns me to believing I am fixed being. Part of that fixed narrative comes with the notion that I’ll never be fully healed, and I don’t buy that. The only reason I’m even here and in an overall healthier place than I’ve ever been in is because I’ve refused to buy it.

Of course I don’t deny the existence of mental disorders, but rather consider all life experiences as variations in consciousness. This way of thinking makes the difference between the chance at deep healing and perpetual, cyclical illness. One promotes a false “normal/abnormal, neurotypical/neurodiverse” dichotomy; the other promotes a much more realistic spectrum. Training oneself in higher consciousness (by way of self-care, meditation, journaling, etc.) can lead to the cessation of suffering, or at the very least, the dampening of it.

Because really, that’s what it’s all about: Suffering. Whether you call it depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, or a personality disorder, the main concern of the human experience is suffering. The harsher felt aspects of life that are pervasive and repetitive—the ones that get called “disorders” in our culture—persist because we are, on the whole, in a very low place. Greed rules the day. “Every man for himself” is the prevailing ethos. “Us and them” is a mentality that very few people ever escape. When our overall level as a people reaches something higher, we will see mental illness fall away. I’ve said this before and I’m going to keep saying it.

I doubt that this will happen in my lifetime, since our system still seems hell-bent on letting individuals know that they’re the ones with “problems.” In our haste to diagnose—to codify, to limit, to “explain”—we tend to just not bring up the ugly truth of the situation, which is that the world is burning to the ground and our paradigm is truly fucked up. Sick societies create sick individuals, and vice versa. Healthy people depend on a healthy planet, and our planet is really not healthy.

When healing occurs, it does so on an individual and collective level at the same time: We heal ourselves and—brick by brick, mind by mind—build healthier societies that make wellness a possibility for future generations. Until we do this work, we can only expect to see rising rates of suicide, depression, addiction, and everything else we claim to be against. I for one am getting a bit tired of the short-lived outpour of concern that follows celebrity suicides. I am also tired of the idea that a person simply not killing themselves is a great victory: If all we’re doing is constantly pulling each other back from the brink, we’re still failing miserably.

…

Not a single professional I’ve worked with has really broached the fact that I suffer because A. Suffering is inherent in human existence (and so I have no reason to expect not to suffer), and B. Our culture basically breeds people to suffer for the machine. It was always about “my condition,” “my problems,” “my depression,” “my story of why I hurt.” We all have stories about why we hurt, and to some extent, these stories need to be explored. Some stories are more harrowing than others, but even the most well-off, well-loved people suffer.

Finally, meditation and yoga are being regarded as helpful treatment modalities for mental illnesses. I want to address that here: The science behind psychiatric medication is based on the theory that your brain makes the wrong chemicals and these other chemicals will kinda fix it. The science behind yoga is based on the theory that you are a universal being and ultimately, you are pure consciousness. Get in touch with the part of you that is pure consciousness—through systematic postures and meditation—and suffering begins to transform. This is true for all forms of suffering, be they given medical labels or are simply the “normal” malaise of routine adult life.

These theories/sciences are not mutually exclusive. I will always advocate doing all the things to help yourself. However, through my (largely unintentional and also explosive) exploration of inner space, I’ve found that the latter theory is a whole lot more complete.

…

There is tremendous power in stepping into the realization that it’s not you. You are not an addict or a depressed person or anything else because something is wrong with you. Instead, we have tendencies to harm ourselves because…

Our overall culture is unconscious of the way it thinks and acts.

We do not understand and/or accept the depths of the ways we all affect one another. Even people who fancy themselves hella woke tend to carry some amount of hatred and derision in their hearts. This doesn’t work, and it still hurts everyone.

We literally carry legacies of pain in bodily memory.

Fear is the default mode of living.

We have forgotten the truth of what we are.

It’s not that you’re a defective model, and you do have the power to rise above all of these things.

When it comes to mental health and overall wellness, that’s what it’s all about: The cessation of suffering through the exploration of higher consciousness. Not endless treatment, not an illness-oriented model, and certainly not a narrative that you will always be one thing or another.

…

Let’s end this on a high note, shall we?

Before I sat down to write this post, I went for a run. Even when I’m in the depths of it, meditating and running tend to lift my spirits. Near the end, I found this rosebush in someone’s yard, and it was too beautiful not to take pictures:

Being a good millennial, I put these on the Instagram where a friend commented, “Peace roses.” Again, being a good millennial, I Googled it. Lo and behold, this is what’s called the Peace Rose. And although I regard the entirety of my life experience as equally meaningful and meaningless, I’ll gladly take signs like this in times of need.

If you’re reading this, the message is meant for you as well.

– Lish

When It Gets Bad Note: As of this posting, I’m doing swell, which is just a testament to how quickly a mood can change.