#any way like my psychs have said theres nothing wrong with me that they can diagnose except ptsd and axiety and depression

[narutomaki]

really going through it because for some reason my brain is being so much more of an asshole recently

even if I've never done something I'm convinced I've done it and must somehow make up for having done it which idk is thay a victim complex? I've always jokingly said I've had one but I've had like. delusions (??) that tidal waves and hurricanes and earthquakes are my fault for being happy/alive since I was like. 12.

and they've like shrunk/gone away in recent years but now I'm convinced global warming is my fault because I have an air purifier and used to smoke.

this is how I feel about my mental health lmao

[schizosupport]

hey there

im exploring this all still. i might be on this schizotypal-psychotic spectrum but i have a... confusion.

pretty much everything that i might classify within that diagnostic realm i experience as essentially a spiritual event. sometimes this comes with fatigue or dizziness or other physical reactions to a non-physical event. and to be clear none of this falls neatly into a given religion. i grew up around hippie type believe in whatever you want people.

i guess my question is, is it possible to tell if something is spiritual or psychotic in nature? or even if there is functionally a difference, since theres nothing physical i can point to?? this has been bothering me for a while, but largely the only information ive been able to find online vaguely indicates that having religious experiences is distinct, and doesnt elaborate on why or how, just that its a diagnostic disqualifier.

and also. thank you for this blog, its really cool and awesome to see this happening (both as a community thing and a psych special interest go brrrrrr thing)

Hello there!

The border between spirituality and psychosis can be hard to define. As you've stated, religious experiences and beliefs shared with a subculture generally aren't considered delusional, even if they aren't believed to be true by the wider society. This includes things like religious beliefs and conspiracy theories shared by groups, and it also does include some more personal spiritual beliefs, though it can be troublesome to define exactly when something is "so personal that it becomes delusional".

In my mind one important distinction is about whether you came up with the belief yourself, or whether it's something you have learned from someone else. Another important distinction is whether it's harming you. Those two don't have to follow each other. Being a part of a cult doesn't make you clinically psychotic if you were indoctrinated into your beliefs, but the beliefs can still certainly harm you. But if you got away from the group you would be able to start to unlearn the beliefs as you are presented with new evidence.

And likewise, personal beliefs that aren't shared by anyone else aren't inherently harmful. For example as a kid I believed that if I was tired, hugging a tree would give me access to a bit of its life source, and that would allow me to keep going. It was a completely harmless personal belief. I would classify relatively harmless personal belief systems as a type of magical thinking if I was wearing my pathologizing hat, but I also don't think that it is inherently a clinically problematic experience.

Now it's worth noting that there is a difference between beliefs and experiences. You are talking about "spiritual events", so that sounds like you are experiencing things that are "abnormal", and then attribute spiritual significance to them. Now I don't know the nature of said events, but if we take the most bland view of reality, then such events generally aren't a real thing that occurs, so by that logic the experience itself is a sign of some mental fuckery. And then with the pathologizing hat on, we might say that you are experiencing psychotic events, and interpreting them as spiritual events, which we might then consider delusional.

But by that logic a lot of people who aren't in treatment, and who are leading perfectly functional lives, are delusional/psychotic. And therefore I think that it's helpful to bring in the "is it harming you?" distinction. Because ultimately it's less interesting to me whether something is "psychotic" or not, and much more interesting to figure out whether it's a problem for the person experiencing the belief/events. I don't think there's any sort of moral or even functional high-ground to be found in having a super down to earth view of reality, where you only ever believe something if its been scientifically proven beyond any reasonable doubt. There's nothing wrong with being that way, but it's not inherently more healthy than having some fantastical or spiritual beliefs mixed in there. And you won't catch me arguing that organized religion is inherently more healthy than personal spirituality, either!

A personal distinction that I make is that a delusion is less so something you believe in, and more so something that you are convinced of. Most things that I believe in, I have reason to believe. I've arrived to my opinions after careful research and consideration. If I haven't done a lot of research and consideration, my belief is generally less strong. When it comes to spiritual stuff I believe some things but I'm not convinced of them. They are beliefs and I'm aware that they aren't proven truths, they are things that I believe in. For me, one thing that's a red flag for psychosis is when I'm sure of something. The world is so complex, so how could I ever be completely sure of anything?

I think that as a field, noting that religious/spiritual experiences are different from psychosis has been important, because otherwise we would be pathologizing a lot of otherwise healthy individuals based on a conviction that there's no such thing as a religious experience. Humans have evidently always had religious experiences and beliefs - it seems pretty inherent to our nature! And most of the time, at a personal level, it isn't inherently harmful.

Psychosis is problematic because it often hurts the person who is experiencing it, not because it diverges from consensus reality.

So I can't give you a one size fits all solution, but these are some of my thoughts.

[antiloreolympus]

10 Anti LO Asks

1. once the trial plot line is finally wrapped up (at best maybe itll end in december) we still have to deal with apollo, and leto, and thetis, and eros and psyche, AND kronos, oh and you know, the actual hymn to demeter and even just hxp getting together, which is both rushed and dragged out. like how has it almost been four years and still so little has happened and we still have way too many plots to deal with?

2. i see one excuse for LO is "well its free content! dont critique it!" like girl, we know she's making a lot of money just off fast pass alone, not counting books, merch, etc, also she's being paid by the company too as well as ad revenue, so its not really free, is it?

3. LO Persephone is Veruca Salt from Charlie and The Chocolate Factory.

4. lets be very frank here. if rachel was a woman of color pulling the shit she does in comic and on social media, shed be so hated as a regressive person with conservative ideas who is selling a horrible story and messages to her young fans, but because she's a white lady they hold her up as the goddamn messiah. theres so many better BIPOC creators who know what to do with this mythology and make it fresh and interesting and yet shes held up as the authority on it and coddled? sounds about white.

5. i dont get where lo fans claims antis are "apollo apologetics" bc literally none of us like him, we like actual mythology apollo and hate rachel took an interesting and diverse god and made him That Way to push her badly written romance along. No one is excusing him and idk where they're claiming thats from?

From OP: Exactly! I have no clue they got that from. Plus, every “Apollo Apologetic” I’ve seen so far likes LO and/or is active in the fandom.

6. that other anon hit the nail on the head. persephone isnt a character dictating the story like she should be, she's just being pulled along by everyone else or just rachel forcing it, all so persephone cant be held accountable for any action, good or bad, it just happens to her. this wouldnt be a problem if it werent for the fact it claims it's about "empowering" persephone and giving her agency to make her own choices, yet she doesnt even have that in this story, even less than the myths, IMHO.

7. does rachel know having hades be a threatening dick towards his pseudo son thanatos actually makes him less qualified to be a father? you cant tell us his biggest dream is to have a family yet when given the chance to care for a child he mentally and emotionally abuses and threatens them with physical violence over any little temper tantrum hades has. how is demeter seen as the abusive parent when she clearly doted and spoiled persephone, but hades is held up as the one "deserving" of a family?

8. hades' whole 'you should be grateful that i raised you FOR FREE and mentored you' is literally verbatim something my physically and emotionally abusive father said to me. that, PLUS him flinching away from hades/shivering, PLUS hades' constant anger at thanatos. just really rubs me the wrong way.

9. im also confused? bc persephone clearly isnt comfortable with how violent and angry hades is, yet she never pushes back on this, and even if she tries he does nothing but a momentary "apology" at best but goes right back to it, and seems to have only upped it recently much to her discomfort. it's (hopefully unintentionally) like how we saw rhea and kronos, where she only dealt with his anger with her body. idk why but rachel is making a strong case their eventual marriage won't be a happy one.

-----FP Spoilers/Mention-----

10. fp spoilers

dude 😭 i dont have words. badly written characters be like: barely 1 minute in we have perse all “*is forced to share her trauma due to fear*” meanwhile hades: “*has a temper tantrum* *2 seconds later* you should not be consoling me” trash can fire comic.

[12yeahiminluvwu]

Captain

pairing - JJ Maybank x Athlete!Reader

summary- JJ Maybank gets his shit rocked by the captain of the school volleyball team

word count- 2,365 (i got so carried away, oh my goodness)

warning(s)- swearing, uhh JJ gets hurt but he’s fine, volleyball lingo (if you don’t understand, i’m happy to translate lol) this wasn’t proof read so, have fun if theres any typos.

---------

“It’s volleyball week, class. Experienced played on the left court, beginning players of the right court. Over on the left, we’re playing normal sets to twenty-five, no serve cap. On the right, normal set to twenty-five, serve cap is 3. Have fun!” Mr. Perkins said and let everyone lose. Volleyball week was your favorite because you got to do something you actually liked during gym class.

You and a few of the other varsity girls made your way to the court and made a quick game plan with the other three players you’d gotten on your team. From your middle position, you see JJ Maybank from across the net. You had no idea that he even knew what volleyball was, seeing as the only thing he ever did was surf and smoke weed.

“You ready to get your shit rocked, Maybank?” You smirked, waiting for the serve. His eyes scanned up and down your body before meeting your eyes with an equal smirk.

“Bring it on captain!” JJ didn’t know much about volleyball, but he was determined to stay on the court for as long as he could before Perkins booted him over to the other court. He wanted to be close to you, try to impress you. This was the best way he knew how to do that right now.

The ball was served to the setters corner, a pass, set, and a hit made. Your teammate, who was a libero on your actual team, made a dig to your setter and you released to make your approach calling a 1, which is a quick/low set right above the tape, and realized that JJ stood flat footed- not even attempting to block you. The boy watched as the ball connected with your hand and ducked, thinking that it was headed straight for his face.

The ball dropped right on the 10-foot line and your team cheered for you, as you had won the first point. JJ watched in a daze as you smiled and laughing, taking the compliments your team was showering you in.

“JJ! Block her next time!” Someone said from behind him and he nodded aimlessly, doing his best to focus and try to play. The set went back and forth a few times before you went back to serve. You had begun to catch on to the fact that JJ had absolutely no idea what he was doing, so you intentionally served him, knowing it would get you a point.

The ball spun in your hand once, and you placed a hand on top lightly before drawing your arm back and tossing the ball,swinging through right at JJ. The ball coasted perfectly above the net, floating right to him, but it ended up hitting him in the face.

“Oh shit!” You gasped, running across the floor to where he now laid on the floor.

“You ok Maybank?” JJ laid there quietly, trying to grasp on to what just happened. Of course, he's the one that gets clocked by a serve. And of course it was y/n’s. Just his freaking luck. Opening his throbbing eye, he saw you staring down at him, close enough he could feel your breath fanning across his face.

“JJ, come on, I didn’t hit you that hard!” You said, placing a gentle hand on his cheek. You felt him lean into your touch as his eyes fluttered.

“Y/n, I’m gonna have you walk him to the nurse, ok? I wanna make sure he doesn’t have a concussion.” Perkins said and you nodded, latching onto his hand to help him stand up. He was a little unstable so you wrapped his arm around your shoulder, while yours held securely onto his waist.

“You know, when you asked me if I was ready to get my shit rocked, I didn’t know you meant literally!” He groaned. A giggled escaped your lips and you looked at him, almost like you were seeing him for the first time. His face looked different up close, he looked a little less tough. He looked softer.

“”Well, maybe you shouldn’t have let your guard down,” You shrugged, smirked in his direction.

“Oh, so that’s how it is, ok.” He scoffed and you laughed again, tightening your grip on him. A beat of silence passed between the two of you before the boy spoke again.

“Can I be honest with you?” He asked and you nodded, perking your ars at what he was going to say. You were very aware of how close you were to him, as his body heat was beginning to make you sweat. You passed by a few people who were in the hallway, avoiding going back to class.

“I have no idea how to play volleyball…” He finally admitted and you stopped in your tracks, feeling laughter bubble in your chest.

“Ya think I didn’t notice that?” You laughed out, and the redness on his cheeks darkened.

“Why were you on that court if you don’t know how to play? There's nothing wrong with being on the beginners court!” He shifted, taking his arm off of your shoulder and leaning against the wall. Suddenly, he was more interested in the floor and playing with the hem of his shirt than he was looking at you and you felt the weight shift between your feet, your eyebrows raising at him.

“Because… I wanted to impress you…” He trailed off. Your cheeks began to heat up at his confession. Truthfully, you didn’t think JJ, or anyone, thought about you that way. You’d never really been a main character like JJ, or any of his friends.

“Why?” You asked, grabbing him from off the wall so you could continue your journey to the nurse’s office. This time, he held onto you a little tighter than he had before, he realized you did the same.

“Because you’re freaking y/n y/l/n! You’re the captain of the volleyball team, voted most likely to play in the Olympics before you turn 25! You’re, like, awesome! And, I didn’t know how else to get your attention. So here I am, with a possible concussion.”

“I’m not worth getting a concussion over JJ, why didn’t you just ask me out ;like any normal person would?” Your boldness surprised you, but you figured that it couldn’t really hurt at this point.

“Cause, John B said that would be lame…” He muttered.

“Well, I guess you’ve learned to not always listen to John B,” He nodded and looked over at you.

“How about we go out tonight then? Catch the sunset, have a picnic?” He asked, causing your smile to grow wider.

“As lovely as that sounds, I have a game tonight… but I’d like it if you were there.” He nodded, looking around before looking back at you.

“What’s your jersey number?” He asked. You had come upon the door to the office and you slowly opened it before answering him.

“13.” You said and sent him in, walking in after him.

--------------

JV had just finished, meaning you and the girls were out on the court warming up and getting ready for your game. Galway Girl by Ed Sheeran blared throughout the gym, hyping the team up.

The whistle blew and you looked over to the ref, holding up a C. That’s your cue.

You won serve and thanked the ref before departing back to your team, who had gathered around the bench, waiting for coach to give the line up. You’re starting, obviously, so you gave your speech and made your way onto the court, quickly scanning the crowds to see if JJ was there.

You didn’t see him right away, but he was there with his friends, wearing your number painted on an old t-shirt he didn’t wear often enough to care about, with your name above it.

---

It was down to the wire now, 11-13 in the fifth set. JJ had no clue what was going on but he knew that every time you hit the ball and got a point, he screamed the loudest of everyone in the gym. You still hadn’t seen him as you were focused on the game, the cheers just sounding like white noise filling the void.

“Bro, you’re over here yelling like she’s already your girlfriend! Step it up!” John B said and that kicked him into gear, making the rest of the pogues laugh at his willingness to act like an idiot. You went back to serve and his mind raced back to his trip to the nurses office earlier in the day. He silently hoped you would do the same to one of the girls on the other team. He’d learned that when you hit someone in the face on a kill, it's called a six pack. He liked that name, for obvious reasons.

JJ silently hoped for you to six pack someone all night concluding that it would be really sexy.

“Come on y/n, ace these bitches!” He yelled and that caught your attention. You looked over and saw him, standing amongst the crowd with a proud smile plastered on his face. You took another deep breath, after sending him a quick smile, and refocused yourself on the task at hand. You needed to keep the serve if you wanted to get to the end of this game without a fight.

You served the ball exactly how you had earlier in gym class, and watched as it floated over the tape, dropping right in front of the left back passer. Your team cheered you on as you came into the middle of the court. The ball was passed back to you, and you went back to do your routine all over again, choosing the same person to serve to, knowing it would psych them out.

The passed the ball high and to the middle, making it easy for the setter to get there and make a play. Sucks for them though, cause your offense read it, and easily went up for the block, the ball going straight down to the ground.

13-13. Two more and you win. You breath a little deeper now, looking over to your coach who is holding on a 5, indicating where you needed to serve. Deep right back corner. JJ watched as the ball spun in your hand, watched as it floated over the net, and watched as the players made their moves. The last hit was made, coming over the net quickly. Left back took the pass and you called ‘Pipe”, a back row middle hit.

The ball landed in the net, ending your streak. The score was 14-13 now, and in a set that only went to 15, it meant you had to bust your ass to get the ball back. Typically, a libero or defensive specialist would rotate in for you right now, but you had been working on your back row skills so coach opted to keep you in. The ball was served to your right, the setters corner. The pass was made, a set to the outside, and a kill, bringing you back to 14-14. You had to win by two.

The play was a blur, all you knew was you won that point, and before you knew it, it was game point again.

The feeling that washed over you when the crowd erupted in cheers as you won the game was one you would never get used to. Euphoria, a high that would never get old. One you couldn’t build a tolerance to.

The team rushed onto the court, dogpiling in the middle as the crowd started to shuffle out. When you made it out there was still a group of people standing around in the gym, waiting to talk to different payers.

A small crowd of four people stuck out to you, one in particular catching your eye. You ran over to him and he smiled, catching you in his arms and spinning you around as you laughed into his shoulder.

“You came!” He laughed at our surprise and nodded.

“Did you really think I’d miss it?” He asked and you shrugged, still wrapped up in his arms.

“I didn’t see you, so I wasn’t sure.”

John B, Pope, and Kie all looked at the two of you in amazement. They had never seen JJ like this with anyone before. The group watched JJ swoon over you and hype you up about winning all the way out to your car.

“Hey JJ, we’re gonna head out. You comin’?” Pope asked him.

“I could give you a ride if you want?” You offered and he looked back between you all, opting to spend as much time with you as he could. The car ride was filled with laughter about how amazed JJ was that you could jump as high as you did and hit the ball as hard as you were capable of. It was funny to see him so enamoured by something that seemed so mundane to you at this point.

Pulling up to the chateau, you both got out and stood at the front of the car, neither of you wanting to part ways.

“So, I’ll pick you up tomorrow at 8?” He asked and you nodded. He began walking into the house, but stopped when you called out to him.

“You’re not even gonna kiss me goodnight?” He turned around to see the smirk on your face and dropped everything to run back to you, scooping you up in his arms and attaching his lips to yours in a deep kiss.

You felt a fire ignite across your whole body as you shared this moment with him. You shared a kiss filled with passion, desire, and emotions you couldn’t yet name.

“Night, Captain…” He whispered in your ear, leaving you with nothing but goosebumps and shivers down your spine.

---

hehe, this was really fun to write.

[chikkou]

Will you talk more about Lisa?? Lisa the character specifically but also your feelings on his feelings about Buddy? I just thought your analysis was so good and I want to hear other thoughts you have on her.

yall are honestly spoiling me rn sdhkfdjfks this is like a dream come true 

i already got into the stuff with buddy in this ask here but i have a LOT to say about lisa and the connection between her and buddy so u better settle in!

ok so firstly ill start with lisa. i played the original lisa game (lisa the first) not long after it first dropped in 2012, and im not even kidding when i said it changed me LMAO.... seeing a story about a girl suffering is nothing new, but austin jorgensens approach to it was so fucking unique. you dont just witness it, you get to EXPERIENCE it right along with her. many stories that involve sexual abuse/rape show or otherwise depict it explicitly for the shock value, which is both disgusting and, in my opinion, extremely fucking exploitative. i feel that it is horrific to dignify an act so deeply evil with screentime. but lisa stood out to me immediately because, even though you know exactly whats going on, the game NEVER shows anything explicit. everything is layered in subtext and symbolism, and austin is fantastic with indirect storytelling, so you learn so much from just a little drop of information. this applies not just to the game proper, but to the character as well.

in case its not clear: i absolutely ADORE lisa. she is my favorite character in all of the games, bar none. its going to sound kind of fucked up, but as a kid around her age going through some fucked up shit, her committing suicide at the end felt like a sort of victory to me. she knew she could never escape from marty or what he was doing to her. he leaks into every single part of her psyche, everything she ever cared about or loved is ruined because of him, and even the vague memory of her mother is completely corrupted, and turned into a muddled version of him. lisa the first also had the added benefit of some religious commentary, as there are crosses all over their home and marty is characterized as an extremely religious man, which i fucking LOVE and wish had come back in the painful, but its an acceptable loss. anyway, lisa committing suicide at the end was an act of defiance against not just marty, but martys god, as suicide is considered a mortal sin in catholicism. lisa knew she’d never be free of marty in life, so she escaped the only way she could; she was defiant to the end.

ive seen people complain that the painful has a bit of a “lost lenore” thing going on, since lisas death seems to fuel the Manpain of both brad and buzzo, but i actually disagree. on the contrary, its just like austin himself said - lisa will never be gone. lisa is ALWAYS there, with brad, and buzzo, and buddy, and marty, and yado, and the ENTIRE FUCKING WORLD. i dont necessarily think that there is something paranormal going on in the game, but i AM going to say that, unlike other cases of a girl/woman dying for a mans backstory, lisa isnt just a bittersweet memory they can reflect on and then put away when its convenient for them. she is a presence that is felt throughout the entire game. brad sees her more than once, sometimes watching, sometimes reprimanding him. buzzo is clearly haunted by her, as he cries out to her a few times in the joyful. every character who was directly touched by lisa - brad, marty, and buzzo - calls out to lisa as they die. call it their guilt or call it her actions, but in either case, it is clear that lisa just as significant of a character in the painful as she was in the first, even if she cant always be seen. even in a meta-sense, every game in the series - even the joyful, whose protagonist doesnt even know who she is - is named after her. she is at the center of everything that happens in them. 

that actually brings me to buddy, because i find the dynamic between her and lisa fucking fascinating. as i previously mentioned, brad never talked about his past with buddy, and snaps at her for bringing up his adoptive son dusty (rando), so it goes without saying that she definitely doesnt know who lisa is. in spite of that, though, lisa is a fucking massive part of buddys life, and while she may not know the person herself, i think she is aware that when people (and brad especially) look at her, they arent seeing HER. 

i mentioned it in another post, but even though brad takes it upon himself to raise and “protect” buddy, he seems to almost unwittingly recreate lisas appearance, primarily by allowing her hair to grow long even though he knows what a risk that is to her safety. he also treats buddy in a manner thats incredibly similar to how marty treated lisa (sans sexual abuse, of course) - he insults her, does not let her leave the house at all, and forces her to do unsavory things that no one should ever have to do (in buddys case, this means killing at least two innocent people because brad doesnt want a “weak” daughter). the most literal comparison between buddy and lisa is the fact that they are both very young girls being essentially held captive by their father figures, albeit for different reasons, and both long for freedom from their captors. 

theres also the fact that both buddy and lisa have to deal with misogyny and the effects of rape culture firsthand; they both battle against men who feel entitled to do with them whatever they please, and the threat of ongoing sexual abuse looms heavy over both of their heads. neither one can seek help from anyone; the neighbors in brad and lisas town seem complacent at best, if they even know what is happening to lisa at all, and buddys only allies (sans rando) are long dead by the start of the joyful. this is not just a hypothetical or a distant possibility. this is the real, tangible fate that will befall them if they cant somehow secure their safety.

sadly, because lisa wasnt playable in either of the rpgs, we dont know if she was able to fight as brad was, but it is highly probable that she had the innate skill but was never able to learn it (as marty highly discouraged them from learning “their grandfathers karate,” and seemed disgusted whenever brad did so). however, she did have ONE weapon she could make use of, and this is a weapon buddy ends up using, as well - her femininity. she became close to bernard (aka buzzo), made him fall in love with her, and then used him as a last ditch effort to stop martys abuse by having him mutilate her face. im not saying lisa never cared about bernard - in fact, i think she DID really love and care for him - but her own fucked up experiences with “love” meant she really couldnt understand what it was supposed to be like, or that it was wrong to manipulate the people you care about. lisa did very few things wrong - it pretty much just stops at the maiming of the cat and her manipulation of bernard - but she knew that she would never get away from marty without some kind of drastic action being taken, and scarring herself was her last ditch effort before ultimately committing suicide.

buddy ends up taking a somewhat similar tack in the joyful, and like in lisas case, its simultaneously resourceful and horrific. one of buddys key moves in the joyful is to flash the enemy (which the player obviously doesnt see) in order to distract them long enough to get the kill. its fucking horrible and disgusting and makes you feel so dirty, but then, how must buddy feel having to do something like that just to survive? shes just a child, but in a world where almost every man is out to get you, she knows this has to be done to save herself, very much like lisa. unlike in lisas case, though, buddy is successful in securing her safety in this way - lisas effort is for naught, and leads to her committing suicide not very long after. 

in a way, i sort of attribute buddys brutality to lisas omnipresence; all of the men pursuing buddy are just like marty, monsters who would harm a fucking child for their own disgusting ends, and i think that when buzzo said that lisa wouldve loved olathe, what he means is that she would have loved seeing so many horrible men being punished for what theyd done. so in my opinion, buddy carving out a place for herself in olathe by killing all those who would subjugate her seems very much in the mentality lisa would have had. sure, there are some innocents who sadly get roped into it, but that would definitely not be her intention; for example, if buzzo could have practiced amputation without harming a living thing, i dont think lisa would have asked him to practice on the cat. note the LACK of brutality at the beehive and the swamp bar, two of the few peaceful places in the painful and both devoid of predatory men hunting for buddy - lisa has no qualm with any of them. but marty? brad could hardly even get a full sentence out before killing him on the spot. i dont doubt that that has a great deal to do with lisas presence. 

ok i talked for a while LMAO but basically i think that, in a more metatextual sense, lisa and buddys relationship really strikes me as an accurate depiction of generational trauma. of course it was intentional with the more obvious trauma chain (marty to brad to buddy), but the trauma chain of marty to lisa to buddy is rarely ever addressed due to lisa not physically appearing in the painful. however, i believe it may inform buddys actions a great deal more than people realize - after all, buddys experience is unique, but who could understand it better than lisa? who knows that sort of pain, of being alone on an island, the lone woman trapped with a man (or men) who want nothing more than to cause you harm? even without her realizing it, lisa is guiding buddy, encouraging her to take back what is hers no matter the cost, to punish those who would try to take what they want from her. lisa might be dead, but she is a vengeful presence throughout every game, and buddys actions feel like theyre meant not only to save herself, but to avenge lisa, even if she doesnt realize it. at the end of the day, buddy and lisa both get to exact revenge against all the men who have wronged them, and they succeed. they are aggressive, and violent, and selfish, and ANGRY - and they have every fucking right to be. 

[princessjungeun]

One Last Chance: Mina x Reader

Request: Hi! your stories are awesome! Is it okay I can request Mina x female reader college life, where Mina is the most popular rich girl, and her friends place a bet that Mina has to go out with you and make you fell in love with her but turns out the time you guys were together Mina eventually fells in love and tries to call off the bet, and you heard the whole thing, heartbroken you avoided her and Mina did anything that she could to bring you back, fluffy ending (: pleas and thank you!

Hi my loves. This is the long Mina scenario I was asking about earlier. This is really REALLY long but you all promised you wouldn’t mind so here it is 🙃

You transferred to Sungkyunkwan University at the beginning of this semester. Originally you attended MIT for Software Engineering, hacking is your specialty. When a professor recommended you for a study abroad, you couldn’t pass it up. You knew Korean well due to growing up in a heavily Korean influenced neighborhood as a child.

Coming to Korea wasn’t that bad because you were able to meet a few other people over social media before you arrived. You met your roommate months before you flew in so you already had one best friend.

Upon your arrival you already drew up quite a bit of attention. Somehow people found out you were from MIT which they couldn’t believe. Your roommate made sure to make you aware of who to avoid and who was friendly. Pretty much everyone was nice but she told you to watch for one group of girls.

Which is why when you were approached by none other than Mina Myoui aka the richest bitch in the whole school you were beyond confused. The raven haired girl asked “Hey. You’re Y/N right?” You had never seen Mina up close, she was ten times more beautiful than you thought.

“Wait do you speak Korean? I’m sorry. Are you Y/N?” She switched to English when you didn’t respond right away. You quickly tried to answer without sounding stupid “I-Uh um yes I am Y/N and I speak Korean yeah sorry I...I uh. I’m sorry...yeah.” You mentally face palmed yourself for not being able to say one simple sentence to her.

She sat down and said “you’re new and from what I know your only friend is Kahei. So meet me at the cafe down the street at 6, I’ll be waiting.” Before you could respond she got up and walked back to her group of friends who seemed to be laughing. You noticed two of the girls from her group. Im Nayeon was in one of your engineering classes while Minatozaki Sana was in a psych class you took to fill an empty slot.

When you got back to your dorm Kahei was on her bed reading a book. She asked “where’d you go?” You responded “the quad to start a project. But something really weird happened.” Kahei sat up on her bed and patted the spot next to her, “come on talk to me I wanna know.”

“That really rich and pretty girl....Mila? She’s friends with Im Nayeon and Minatozaki Sana...she came up to me and told me to meet her at the cafe down the street at 6.” Kahei’s eyes widened and she loudly said “MINA MYOUI ASKED YOU ON A DATE?” You shrugged then nodded. Kahei made you resite every thing that happened leading up to her asking you out for coffee. In the end she said “hmmmm...I don’t trust it. It sounds fake.” You responded “I do admit it’s a little suspicious that the most rich and popular girl in school asked me, the poor foreigner to a date...”

Kahei told you “well even if it is fake you’re gonna go to find out.” You looked at your sweatpants and t shirt you were currently wearing. You hair was in a messy bun and your thick glasses sat lopsided on your face. “Do rich people like girls who look like me?” You asked uncertainly. Kahei responded “only one way to find out!”

When you went to the cafe Kahei decided to tag along but sit at a different table with her girlfriend Haseul.

Mina arrived shortly after you, “oh i honestly didn’t think you’d show up.” She was surprised to see you actually came. You looked at you hands in your lap “I mean I think it’s rude to blow someone off...” Mina sat down across from you “you look really pretty.” You could tell that it was a genuine complement by the way she smiled softly when she said it. I guess rich people do like girls like me you thought to yourself.

For the next hour she asked you about everything there was she should know about you. Kahei told you to make sure not to disclose every detail about yourself because she still didn’t trust Mina. However by the end of the night you were convinced she was genuine.

•

•

•

Weeks passed and you continued to meet up with Mina, you knew Kahei and Haseul warned you about catching feelings too quickly but you couldn’t help it. Mina seemed so sweet and genuine despite her rich bitch demeanor.

You sat in the library working on a project with your classmate Yuqi. “I know we just met like this week but I don’t trust her either, I’m with Kahei on this one.” You don’t know why you decided to spill all of your business to Yuqi but something about her seemed trustworthy. You rolled your eyes “You all are delusional.”

Deep down you believed Kahei and Haseul and now Yuqi but you didn’t want to admit it. Mostly because you caught feelings for Mina. Badly. Yuqi didn’t pull her eyes away from her laptop “I-I’m just saying something here isn’t adding up. This isn’t right.”

“I’m just gonna- give me a minute.” Yuqi furiously typed away on her laptop, occasionally smiling and laughing to herself. After about two minutes passed she flipped her screen around in front of you was a KakaoTalk page. Mina Myoui’s to be specific.

“Yuqi! WHAT DID YOU DO?!” You whisper yelled to the younger girl who sat with a smile on her face. She simply answered “I hacked into her account. See?” You responded “I’m not reading her messages. That’s an invasion of privacy.” Yuqi responded “Ok well if you won’t I will, she has no relevance to me so it can’t hurt the nonexistent relationship between us.”

She scrolled and scrolled her facial expressions changing from surprised to one you couldn’t quite read. “Y-Y/N....um...I don’t know if you should read this yourself or not.” You felt a pit in your stomach form knowing whatever she had in front of her wasnt good news.

Yuqi slid her laptop to you and you read the messages shared between Mina and her friend group:

Sana: you have three days left in this bet Myoui

Chaeyoung: Sana’s right, you need to figure out how to get Y/N to confess to you

Nayeon: yeah if you don’t you can kiss that Maldives trip bye bye and we can say hello to that shopping spree :)

Mina: I dont want this anymore guys

Sana: are you chickening out?

Chaeyoung: shes chickening out

Mina: it’s not that

Nayeon: so what is it

Mina: nevermind

Jeongyeon: i might be in this friend group but this is wrong on every level

Tzuyu: I’m with Jeongyeon unnie

Dahyun: Me too

Momo: what bet? who is Y/N? I WANT A SHOPPING SPREE!

Jihyo: No you dont

Momo: no i do not

Jihyo: but I’m with Jeongyeon and the kids.

You couldn’t believe what you were reading. There was no way in hell Mina could have done this to you. Absolutely no way. Wanting to find some sort of happy ending you scrolled to a different chat with only this Jeongyeon girl. These newer messages brought on a new wave of emotions.

Jeongyeon: why are you trying to call it off now. You were all excited about it and now you want nothing to do with it.

Mina: I don’t know, It just feels wrong now

Jeongyeon: I know you Mina there’s something else

Mina: Theres nothing else

Jeongyeon: dont you dare lie to me

Mina: fine.

Mina: i like her. A lot. And i want to be with her.

Jeongyeon: then make your move

Mina: but if she finds out it was started with a bet....

Jeongyeon: well then come clean and apologize and pray she stays around. But honestly if i was her i wouldnt give you a second chance

Mina: thats not very reassuring

Jeongyeon: i’m disappointed in you, that’s the best you’re getting for now

Mina: ok, thank you unnie

Mina: i’m doing it tomorrow i’ll tell you how it goes

Jeongyeon: mhm

You looked to see when that last message was sent and it read yesterday’s date. So she was planning to confess or come clean today. Immediately you stood up and put your belongings in your bag before leaving Yuqi alone in the library.

You walked across campus to the dance studio where you found Mina dancing with another girl. “Myoui.” You pushed your glasses up to prevent them from sliding down. Mina turned and saw you “Y/N hey I thought we were going to meet la-”

You cut her off “I love you Mina Myoui, with all my heart I do! Is that what yo want to hear? Can you go to the Maldives now? You won. Congratulations bitch.” Mina looked at the other girl who stood in the room, she looked really confused and got uncomfortable and sprinted out, almost falling on her own feet.

“What are you talking about? I won? Maldives?” Mina questioned you. You snapped back “I didn’t stutter did I?” She replied “how did you- Who told you?” You responded “It’s not who told me or how I found out. You placed a stupid bet on me and toyed with my heart as if you were interested and I fell for your bullshit. Stay the fuck away from me. And if I catch you even thinking about talking to Kahei...you’ll wish you didn’t.” You turned around and walked out not giving Mina a chance to talk.

•

•

•

Weeks passed and the semester was coming to a close in 6 weeks. You hadn’t heard a thing from Mina or any of her friends. Sana and Nayeon stayed away from you when they had class with you. Kahei, Haseul, and Yuqi introduced you to their friends instead to make up for the relationship you once had.

Out of all of the girls you met through Kahei and Yuqi, Jinsoul and Miyeon were closest with you. Miyeon walked into your room “Hey. We’re going to a party and you’re coming. All you’ve done is moped around, worked on projects, or went to the boxing gym. It’s been too long you need to go out.” You groaned “don’t you have work today?” Miyeon responded “ok we meant you and Jinsoul but she’s finishing an assignment so she sent me to tell you.” You rolled over on your face knowing there was no getting out of this.  “Ugh fine.” You giving into your friends wishes.

Miyeon left and outfit for you before leaving your dorm to head to work. You looked over your reflection in the mirror. Miyeon definitely tried something with this outfit because you never wore these types of clothes.

You were finishing up your hair when Jinsoul unlocked your door, ready to go. “Woah...You look so good!” She jumped up and down and clapped her hands excitedly. You quickly but in your shoes and grabbed your phone before she yanked you out of the door.

This house party was definitely run by someone rich because this house was really nice. You linked arms with Jinsoul and held her hand so you wouldn’t lose her in the crowd of people. The two of you found your friend groups and stayed together with them for most of the night.

You noticed some of Mina’s friends were there as well but you didn’t see Mina. Jinsoul danced against you as you held her close laughing at her antics. Throughout the night you noticed she was watching one girl in particular, Kim Jungeun. She was in your guys’ friend group but because there’s a total of 19 girls in the group, the two of you weren’t exactly close with everyone. You know she went by Kim Lip, only allowing a few people to call her Jungeun.

“Ooo I see Lip is alone, now’s your chance go go!” You pushed Jinsoul towards the girl. Your best friend responded “no what about you I see Mina’s friends here, what if she arrives?” You pushed her further “i’ll be fine I can handle myself, just keep your phone on!” She nodded and let her hand slip out of yours, running towards Kim Lip.

You danced on a few girls and a few random dudes before getting tired of the environment. Knowing you couldn’t leave Jinsoul, you decided to walk upstairs to see if there was anything to explore. You accidentally walked in on a couple before you realized you should knock on doors before opening them.

You found a door that was open so you walked in, ready to punch of someone came at you unexpectedly. The room was large, like really large, pictures hanging on the walls, stuffed animals lining whoever’s bed it was.

However the most eye catching thing was the gigantic window that overlooked the city. You slid it open and saw there was enough room on the roof for you to safely sit. Taking in deep breaths of cool air you hugged your knees to your chest.

A knock on the shingles is what snapped you out of your trance. You expected Jinsoul but instead you saw Mina. The Japanese girl softly asked “Do you mind?” You responded coldly “no.” She smiled and walked out sitting next to you, “Id hope not, you are sitting on my roof.” You asked “so this is your place? This isn’t the same one I visited those times though.” Mina responded “rich people unnecessarily buy multiple houses.” An awkward silence fell over the two of you.

She looked at you but you stared straight ahead waiting for her to talk. Eventually you grew impatient, “I’m pretty sure you didn’t come out here to look at me, so whatever you have to say just go ahead.” She sighed then said “I’m sorry. I truly am. My friends were being stupid one day and betted me to go ask you out. Originally my intentions weren’t true and I only wanted to win. But after getting to know you...I kind of fell for you and I didn’t know what to do. I’m sorry.”

You could tell she was being genuine by the tone in her voice. You hesitated then said “I loved you Mina.” She quickly responded “I love you too.” You were quick to ruin the moment “I said loveD. Past tense. I-I don’t know if i can trust you anymore.

Mina reached for your hand and you allowed her to hold it. “Please Y/N. Give me one last chance and if I mess it up you’ll never have to even think about me. I’ll make sure my friends don’t think about doing anything. Please just one more chance. Please.” Something about seeing her like this made your heart melt and butterflies erupted in your stomach.

You gave in “Fine. One last chance. That’s it.” She smiled and finally you looked at her. Her adorable gummy smile that you once loved so much was back. She placed a hand behind your neck, with her eyes she asked you for permission. You nodded and she kissed you softly. In that moment you remembered every reason why you loved Mina before.



[cozytruecrimeaddict]

I Think I Need Help (Hotch x OC) pt 3

Hey I’m back. (Also I wish the pages app would show me the word count on these because dang, this was like 5 pages of writing)

So this does not 100% follow season 2 episode 11 anymore. 

However, my warnings still stand

WARNINGS: regular CM violence, rape, suicide, self harm, and light cheating 

Nothing besides the light cheating goes into a lot of detail, just mentions and I want anyone who reads this to be prepared

I quickly rush to gather anything that is visible and bloody and stash it. I remember when I first got close with Aaron, I gave him a key to my place. In case anything happened, so someone had access to my stuff and whatever else might be needed. I’m surprised he didn’t use it this morning. 

After that I showered as fast as I could, coming back into my room and changing. I threw everything I needed into my bag and ran into the kitchen, only to find Aaron sitting at my kitchen table. 

“Did you speed here or something?” I smiled at him. Just pretend Sam. He won’t figure it out. He won’t try to profile you.

“I was worried. I don’t like being worried about you.”

“Well, you’re not my Dad, Aaron. You don’t have to worry about me.” 

“Morgans brought up that he’s worried too.”

“I’m fine.”

“Look me in the eyes and tell me that. You haven’t been acting like yourself.”

“I’m fine Aaron. I don’t know what I can do to prove it to you. I’m just stressed and tired. Lets get back to the office okay.”

Aaron stood up, brushing past me on the way to the door. I really hate lying to him. But, there’s no way in hell I’m telling him the truth. Just one more, before you go. I shake off the thought. I’m not addicted to this again. This isn’t my life. This won’t be my life. I’ll die before that happens. 

“So, what did I miss this morning?” I ask, kinda annoyed I slept in on such an important case. 

“No new suspects, yet. Another body was found, this one with word ‘failure’ carved into her abdomen. Gideon had just started his psych eval with Nathan before I left.” 

Failure, did he emphasize that word on purpose? Is that all he thinks of you. Just the little kid charity case he has to babysit. He hates you. He doesn’t want you around.

“So, how likely is it that the kid did it?” I shake off my thoughts. Stop it Sam. Aaron is one of your best friends. He loves you and cares about you. No he doesn’t. Stop pretending.

“It’s hard to say, I don’t want to believe he did it, but it is still possible.”

I sighed, trying to calm my thoughts. How strange though, to be comforted by the thought of my blood running down my arm. 

“Aaron…”

“Sam.”

“Please don’t worry about me. I promise, I’m fine. And if I wasn’t, I’d do whatever it takes to make sure I stayed alive for you and everyone else.”

“The do whatever it takes part is what worries me.” Aaron started, changing lanes and pulling into our parking lot. “Ever since you started with us, you’ve become one of my best friends. I really care about you and I know, I’m over protective.”

I can’t. I can’t have him caring. Theres only one way out of these thoughts. If 10 years wasn’t enough to end them completely, what would be?

“Let’s just get inside..” I got out of the car, and he followed. 

The elevator ride took forever. I felt Aaron watching me, studying me. As we reached the floor the offices were on, I stepped forward.

“Don’t try to profile me, Aaron. You won’t like what you find.”

He came up along side of me and whispered something in my ear that made my heart sink. 

“I know your neighbors aren’t in a band. I’ll figure out what’s going on eventually” 

And he just walked away.

I sat down by Reid as Gideon had brought the kids mom into his office. From the looks of it, it wasn’t going too well. 

The day passed by me in a blur of files, and trying to figure out how this all could have happened. How am I still here, why am I here. I’m not helping this investigation whatsoever and I’m really no use to the BAU at all. Especially if they all have to worry about me. 

Thats when I noticed it, a damp spot on the left arm of my black top. I must have subconsciously started picking at the cuts. I get up and head to the bathroom, cleaning and drying them as quickly as possible. I got back to my desk, and Nathans mom was looking for him. He wasn’t back at home in his room and she had found some pretty disturbing edits to an edition of Hustler. 

We all split up and made our way through the street searching for him. Until, another body was found.

This was…. wrong. Our unsubs profile was literally that he kills early in the morning. Not killing late at night, and to also have him dump this girl at the base of the Federal Building? It doesn’t make sense. Even if he was devolving, this takes risk. This takes prior knowledge of what’s happening around here. 

Hotch says as much, but it still doesn’t mean Nathan didn’t just do this as he was passing the poor girl and kept running. 

Reid follows a local cop who found the kid, and he brings him in. 

Back at the offices, Aaron asks to speak to me in his. 

“I think you should sit the rest of this one out, Sam.” 

“Why, Aaron?”

“You’re not all here, and I don’t know what’s going on with you, but no one is going to think any less of you for taking a couple days to figure it out.”

“I don’t know what else I can do to prove to you that I am okay. Am I the same as I was? No. But who would be? I know what actually went through some of these girls minds.” My chest tightened, and for a second, just a second, I was back in his basement, my hands tied behind me as he pushed himself into me. 

“Sam…” I heard Aarons voice, he sounded distant. 3 days, 17 hours, 22 minutes. I gave up. I was ready to die. They didn’t need me.

“Sam, I’m right here. You’re okay.” No, I’m not. I felt something gripping my wrist. No. I smelled the alcohol on his breath. I tried, I tried to break free. 

“No…” I whispered.

“Sammi!” Aaron raised his voice just a little, and the scene around me went back to his office.

“I… Wha… Aaron?” I felt something wet fall from my eyes, I pressed my finger gently underneath, wiping away tears. Aaron guided me to sit down in front of his desk, he kept his hand on my left forearm. That must be why I felt pressure, he probably grabbed me to help steady me. He leaned on his desk.

“Want to explain what just happened?” 

“If I knew, I promise you, I would.” 

“Talk me through it.”

There was a knock on the door. 

“Hang on a second, Sam.”

Gideon appeared, nodding at me.

“We found our guy, and we’re heading out to grab him now.” 

“Alright, I’ll be down in a second.” 

Gideon left, and Aaron came back to me.

“You’re sitting this arrest out, Sam. I want you to stay here and help Garcia. That’s an order.”

“I’m…”

“Don’t say you’re fine. We’ll talk about this later.” 

I went off to help Penelope with whatever she needed, 

She had everything under control and mostly we just talked. 

“Okay, but Sammi my love, you need to give me the details!” She smiled at me.

“What details Pen?” Seriously, what did she want.

“About Hotch? He’s so private with everyone except you. Like who is he? Is he a good kisser? A girl needs to know these things.”

I laughed. She wants to know everything I can tell her about Hotch?

“Oh no, I am not crossing that line.”

“Oooooh which lines and how many have you guys crossed.”

“He’s just my best friend.”

“hey!” 

“Okay, my best guy friend. I need my girls nights with you and JJ” 

“So no after work make out sessions?”

“He has Haley.”

“If all men were loyal, crimes of passion wouldn’t exist sweetheart.”

“He’s loyal to her.” As far as I knew. 

But, before I could have too much fun, something dark started creeping into my mind again.

She is just babysitting you. You were too much of a burden to be in the field, and you’re a burden on her. Why are you still even here? Why do you even bother waking up. Change that detail, and their lives would be better. You weren’t even good enough for the creep in his moms basement, or he wouldn’t have let you go back to them. 

Garcia noticed me zoning out, but by then, the team was back and Reid was talking to Nathan again. 

“Okay, that’s it. We’re going out tonight.” 

“Oh no, I’m not in the mood.”

“I will drag you. You are coming.”

She pulled me to my feet and dragged me out of her office. 

“Reid, come on. We’re going out.”

“I really wouldn’t be much company tonight.”

“You’re coming.” She insisted.

“Listen to her Reid, she’s dragging me along.”

He smiled at me, but gave in and got up. 

As we got to Pennys car, Reids cell phone rang. Everything just happened so fast. I was starting to psych myself up for heading out with them, but it wasn’t okay.

“Drive, and hurry.” Reid said as we all climbed into Penelope’s car. 

“What happened?”

“It’s Nathan…” Reid said. 

Oh no…. 

We got to the motel room, and everything was just wrong. Nathan was across the bed, both wrists slashed. 

I wasn’t in the motel anymore. I was 13 again. I was laying across my bedroom floor, begging for a reason. Any reason at all, to just stay. I couldn’t think of one. My own parents abandoned me because I was such a freak. I was too smart for my own good, yet not smart enough. I was graduating high school, and getting ready to start college at my age? The world was just beginning to open up, yet everything felt so small. Everyday everyone told me I was better off dead. Teachers ignored me. No foster parents cared enough to keep me around for more than a year. But that was all about to change. I wouldn’t be around long enough to care anymore. 

I felt myself put pressure on Nathans left arm, at the same time Reid got to his right. 

“Spencer…” I whispered, there was too much blood. Theres a chance that this kid was going to get what he wants. His answer to the pain. 

Everything faded into the background, as a paramedic guided me and Reid off the kid. 

I looked down, and my top was covered in blood, whether its my own or not, I don’t know. 

Outside, the team was waiting by the ambulance for us. 

Gideon guided Reid back towards his car, and Morgan took Penelope. But of course, I was alone. I started making the walk back to get to my apartment. I wasn’t even too far back to the main road when Hotch pulled up.

He got out of his car and hugged me to him.

“What happened? When Garcia said attempted suicide I thought…”

“I told you Aaron, I’d do whatever it takes to survive.”

“Come on, I’ll take you home.” 

“I’m fine with walking, if you had an extra shirt or something though, that’d be much appreciated.” 

“Sam, get in the car. I’m not playing this game tonight.” 

So, I gave in. I became the charity case yet again. The little girl who always needs her friends to protect her, even when she doesn’t deserve it. 

Hotch took the 20 minute drive back to my house. Instead of just dropping me off, and letting me head in to be with my thoughts, he followed me inside. 

“I’m fine.”

“We discussed this earlier, I never have and never will believe those words.”

“You should be with your wife and son.”

“I’m staying here tonight. I’m not leaving you alone right now, until I know you’re okay.” 

I sighed, putting my gun and badge in a drawer in my hallway and locking it. 

“I’m not your charity case, Aaron. I don’t need your help.” 

“Charity…. Sammi, is that really how you see yourself?” 

“Ever since I was taken..” 3 days, 17 hours, 22 minutes. “You and everyone else have been acting like one wrong turn and I’m going to break.”

“I’m going to break one of our rules tonight Sam, and I hope you can forgive me.”

“Aaron, we only have one rule for our friendship to work, and that’s that we can’t profile each other…”

He guided me to sit down on the couch and look at him. I hated that he was about to do this, and I hate that I need him in my life. I hate that I can’t let go to make his life easier.

“Ever since you’ve been back, you jump at every sound. You empathize better with our female victims, especially those who have been assaulted, which leaves me to believe that while we were trying to find you, you were assaulted, or at least threatened with it. The way you’re trying to get away from me right now makes me almost positive of that fact. The way you got lost in the blood from this past case leaves me to believe you have some kind of issue involving blood from the past, possible childhood or early adolescence. Once again, your body language right now gives me reason to think I’m correct. The way you’ve been….”

“S…st.. stop. Aaron. Please.” I moved closer to him, putting a hand on his shoulder. I took a breath, trying to steady myself. “If I tell you what happened when I was taken, you will never stop seeing me as this victim. I will never stop feeling like a burden on the team. I will never be able to get back what I lost. You want the truth, Agent Hotchner, the truth is that I’m barely hanging on. However, I’m fighting like hell to keep my head above water. All I have to do that with is my job, and making sure I stop the next creep before they do what they did to me, to someone else. If I tell you what happened, or anything that I have going through my head, you won’t even like me anymore. You’ll transfer me off to some other department and I won’t have only lost my job, or my friends, but I’d have lost my family. I’d have lost the only person that I love.” 

I didn’t realize it, but I had gotten so close to him. Our faces mere inches apart. I don’t know what’s happening. Why am I doing this. He’s married. He’s my best friend. But here I am, once again, messing things up. That was when I felt it. I saw his dark eyes staring into my blue ones. My heart literally skipped a beat, and in that second, Aaron had placed his hands under my chin and pulled me up to him. He kissed me softly, slowly. I moved just a little bit, wrapping my arms around his neck. Why was I doing this. Haley. Jack. I needed to stop. But, this felt right. As I pulled him to me, he leaned forward just a little bit more, causing us to fall backwards on my couch. I gasped, and I just stopped. I moved my hand to his chest, pushing back a little.

“We can’t..”

“I’m… I’m sorry. I…” He stuttered.

“I.. I can’t Aaron.”

“You said I didn’t like you.. you don’t even know how much…” 

“Stop.” I felt my eyes burning. I liked Haley, she was kind enough to ask me to be Jacks godmother. 

I moved Aaron off of me and got up.

“I need to shower, you… you can st..stay but I’m going to sh..shower and head to bed.” 

As I stormed off down the hall, I looked back to see Aaron sitting there with his head in his hands. I know he must be upset, he just kissed me when he’s married to Haley. I won’t be the reason his marriage ends. I just won’t.

[figuringouthowtobehere]

please dont reblog this

i dont have many ppl to talk to. so here i am, screaming into the void that is my tumblr again.

im mostly posting this because im alone. im really really fucking alone. and im hoping i might, idfk, make a solid, trustable connection from tumblr??? idfk. im alone in the world.

please dont reblog this

cw family issues, su*cidality, abandonment, abuse, childhood abuse, trauma, being alone in the world

i have no one to go to. my entire life since i was a baby all ive ever been able to do is survive at the skin of my teeth. and here i am, 20, breathing, trying so fucking hard to live and, idk if im succeeding. im doing my film shit which is cool but. im alone. im on my own. im alone in the world. i never had parents. like, obviously i had parents, but they were never parents, dyou know what i mean? like the people who genetically made me were around but they were abusing me or just being awful or refusing to listen to me about what i needed from them, from their parenthood. 

i had a conversation with my mom yesterday (after two days of not being able to get a hold of her and really really needing to) and i was basically just like ‘why cant you be my mom’ and she was like ‘i am your mom’ and i was like ‘well, yeah, but youre not--you cant--you dont mother me. and you dont mother me in the ways i need you to.’ and she was like ‘what does that look like to you?’ and i said ‘someone who i can turn to, always, someone who has my back no matter what, someone who respects me and what i need and who listens to me and trusts my experience and, yeah, someone who i can turn to always’ and she said ‘i mean i can talk with you on the phone, i can tell you what i think you should do, i can try to give you advice from my experience, but as far as someone having your back 24/7 always, i cant do that’ and we ended up talking about how im an adult now - and she was talking about it in the sense of ‘youre a grown man now, you dont need your mom like that anymore’ - and im like ‘ya, i am basically a grown man but i still need my mom. i still need parents.’ and i think im gonna end up cutting contact with her again because its too hard to simultaneously grieve her not being the mom i need and also talk to her. if im not talking to her then i can deal with the idea that i dont have a mother, that i dont have parents and i probably never will.

ive never really had people. i never really had friends when i was a child and i dont really have friends now. maybe its cause im trans, maybe its cause im autistic, maybe its cause im mixed, i dont know, but generally people in the world dont like me or it takes them a long time to not hate me. it doesnt matter why right now the point is i never had people (like, a support system) and i dont now. 

so yeah im pretty seriously thinking about killing myself (or, trying to anyway). i dont wanna die but ive spent my whole life trying to just. be a person. and find contentment. and everything in my life ends up going awful or causing me a lot of trouble at some point or another. ive come to expect it. whenever anything happens in my life im just like ‘when will this go wrong. how long will it take this time.’ and im alone. im just fucking on my own. and i know theres lots of people who are and have been more alone than i am/have been and i admire these people so fucking much like GO YOU!! YOUFUCKING DID IT!!! HELL YEAH! im so proud of u. for real, i have so much respect for all yall reading this who have made it through shit and made it through being alone in the world. you fucking got this. youre doing it. good fucking job!!!!! ✨ but then. idk ig it doesnt take away from this being incredibly fucking difficult for me. pretty much everything in my life was fucked from birth to age 18 and now over half of everything in my life is fucked. which is better, for sure, but its still. ive never had a chance. idk it just seems to me like it doesnt matter. i can try and try and do all the therapies and take all the psych meds a psychiatrist might give me and i can meditate all the time. it just seems like im Doomed. (WOW i sound dumb and childish) like ik logically this is probably incorrect, that im not actually just.. doomed but thats how it feels. whenever a good thing happens im just waiting for it to collapse on me. and usually it does in way or another. generally not because of anything ive done or havent done, it just ends up being shit.

and then. ive never had anyone. i dont have anyone. im alone in the world. like its not that im ignoring people i do have or choosing to omit them from my mind right now. i have a singular friend in the place where i live; my other two friends both live in the states. i live with someone who was a support for me until like last ... july or so, i think, who now makes me feel like shit (they arent being malicious its just a bunch of issues in our relationship. theres more on that in stuff ive posted before, if you feel like digging through my posts for a while go ahead and youll find more on that) and i have like 5% (out of 100%) trust for them. i have a therapist who i see once a week and ik shes invested in me, but thats her job. and i cant just call her whenever i want. i have several people for film stuff but theyre either just casual pals and then colleagues or just colleagues. i know a lot of people, who dont really show any investment in me as a person or their relationship with me and who i dont really click well with. and thats it. 

and im so. im so in love with Film. all of it. (not The Film Industry obviously.) im so fucking in love with it. the only real concrete reason that i wont end up killing myself in the next like month or two is because Film. and i just. need. people. i need parents. or something. fuck.

i think part of this is probably the long-term ramifications of ongoing childhood sexual, physical, and psychological abuse and never really having good, consistent support cause id be surprised if that didnt fuck with my brain (and, yk, untreated severe childhood brain damage from tbis beginning at less than a year old). but it doesnt really matter does it. ive been through the shit time and again and its not like anyone has appeared and been like ‘hello, i see you never had parents, this is who i am, would you like to get to know each other for a while and maybe i could be your mom?’ cause thats literally what i need. i need parents. like i know theres a thing of ‘if you didnt have parents then you cant undo that damage’ but like idk. if someone has a bunch of unhealed broken bones that got broken years ago that are now causing them a lot of pain you wouldnt just be like ‘sorry, i see youre in trouble from this shit, but because it happened years ago theres nothing we can do’ cause there is??? i forget how i was gonna say this before but like. i didnt have parents. with the ‘parents’ i had its a scientific anomaly i lived past age three. i refuse to believe that having Good Parents and a Good Support System now would do nothing for me. cause it would. 

im also facing impending homelessness due to a) welfare/disability programs not giving you enough to live off and b) not having a roommate/not having support systems/not having people. so that doesnt help.

i dont know how to do this. im on my own. im doing all i can. ive reached out to everyone i feel like i could reach out to and. im on my own.

help. i guess. idk what that means but im, once again, at an incredibly fucking AWFUL point in my life and i need help. i doubt anyone will be able to but. if youre able to then. idk. do something. ik that i sound desperate and pitiful and i literally dont care at all because i literally am desperate for support and i literally am at - ANOTHER - extremely low point in my life and its pitiful. im cringing at myself actually posting this because its like ‘you think youre actually find what you need via a tumblr post? where are you? cause thats not real life dude’ but i dont fucking have people to talk to (as you have already understood 🙃) and im tired and tired and tired and tired.

if you took the time to read this i thank you and i hope ur day is going vvv well

please dont reblog this!!

[mayapenelopeclutterbucket]

*SPOILERS* Thoughts I had while TGD 3x11 “Fractured” aka watch me flip my shit about my otp

Ya girl is already having a stressful year ALREADY and I’m anxious and depressed buuuuut I’m excited for tonight’s ep because my baes said there was some good melendaire content and can’t wait to see what it is and if you’ve been annoyed with my constant hsmtmts content I’m sorry 😂 it was my new fixation especially since tgd was on a break and I’m hoping to get back into the swing of posting more tgd content, we shall see:)) anywayyyys onto my thoughts I insist on sharing for some reason ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I’m ngl I wasn’t as excited as I normally was tgd to come back on but now I am feeling the excitement and so reaaady 😆

I forgot how fucking sad the last ep was and how much shit the writers put Claire and shaun thru

I missed shea OKAY I ADMIT IT season 1 shea was just *chefs kiss* PERFECTION

Oh yeah I remember watching this sneak peek and being annoyed af with glassman because he’s an asshole as always and I’m tired oh him and his shitty thoughts/opinions and him shitting on lea and being annoyed because she just wants to be friends with shaun which there’s nothing wrong with that they can JUST be bffs glassy

Did someone really just yell they need a Doctor I mean of course they do you’re in an ER 😂

Morgan being SHOOK about that pain of childbirth lmaooo

Yoooo it’s Rico from Hannah Montana and yaaaasss bitch Claire is on her way back to being her compassionate self

Oof trouble with sharly

Y’all I AM CHEESING SO HARD AT THAT MELENDAIRE MOMENT OH MY GOD that was so freakin great she’s opening up to Melendez and he seems to know about her mom and I just it was BEAUTIFUL they’re going back to pre l*mlendez and connecting and sharing their feelings and talking about their past WE’RE ONLY 10 MINUTES IN AND IM HAVING A HEART ATTACK

Oh my god Morgan stop why you gotta be so mean sometimes bby 😂

Yesss shaun snapping back at Morgan’s sarcastic comments

Fuck park up Claire I’m sick of so many characters in this show oh my god lmao

Aww Melendez wanting to side with his boo

This patient who doesn’t want narcotics has the same name as me 👀

How can this lady keep a straight face with how much pain she must be in omg I would not be able to do what she’s doing

Melendez looks so fucking in love with Claire while she’s arguing her case and aww my baby has been thru so much and overcome so much and she’s a kickass doctor and human being and I love her

Don’t y’all love how Claire can always win Melendez over 😂

Park is such a dramatic hardass lol

Aww shaun is making a pros and cons list of lea and Carly

It’s so weird hearing my name mentioned on the show

Oh so asshole Andrews is still somehow married despite the fact that his wife is never shown and he never talks about her

Ayyye I just realized no lim so far this ep I mean I miss her but I’m glad there will be no l*mlendez nonsense because of it but at the same time it sucks her character was really reduced to just being a love interest??!?! The writers really don’t know what to do with a character when they make them chief of surgery 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

Holy shit that’s a lot of drugs and not how I pictured balloon drugs to look lol

Lmaoo park jealous about Melendez giving his attention to Claire and letting her do the honors thank god SUCK IT PARK CLAIRE GETS TO DO THE LEAD ON CLOSE BECAUSE SHES NOT AN ASSHOLE LIKE YOU kindness always wins when are you gonna learn that, Melendez doesn’t stay impressed with his residents intelligence for long you gotta bring more to the table

Aww shaun listing all the things he likes about Carly and I’m glad he’s telling Carly the truth but now she’s sad and he’s sad and now I’m sad

😭😭 why did I think the moments that were gonna make me cry were over I hate glassman but that was so sweet and shaun finally admitting his fears about being left to glassman was a lot and shaun willingly hugging him ENDED ME

CLAIRE IS BACK TO INSPIRING PEOPLE

Jesus Christ that was intense and graphic and the classical music going with it the JUXTAPOSITION (ooh look at me using fancy words lol)

Man y’all really couldn’t let Claire catch a break and have a good day huh 🙃🙃 LET HER HEAL ASSHOLES (post ep edit look like Melendez is gonna help her heal 👀👀)

Oh my god oh my god oh my god I CANT BREATHE AM I REALLY GETTING MELENDEZ COMFORTING CLAIRE MOMENT OH MY FUCKING GOD I HAD TO PAUSE IT IM FREAAAAKING OUT

IS ANYBODY ELSE GETTING BALCONY FLASHBACKS FROM SEASON 2 OH MY GOD IF NO ONE ELSE HAS GIFFED THAT YET I WILL 😭😭 I haven’t even gotten to them talking because I’m so psyched about this parallel Jesus Christ I can’t

Claire STOP I paused it again lmao BUT THATS WHAT MELENDEZ LOVES ABOUT YOU REMEMBER THAT YOURE DIFFERENT AND SMART AND SPECIAL MY HEAAAART OH MY GOD

HE JUST TOLD HER THERES NOTHING WRONG WITH HER SEEING THE BEST IN PEOPLE AND BEING GRATEFUL TO BE ABLE TO WORK WITH HER HOLY FUCKING SHIT NOW ITS A PARALLEL BACK TO SEASON 1 my heaaaart fuck

THIS IS OUR MELENDAIRE SEASON GUYS WE’RE BACK 😭😭😭

The sharly angst is killing me and now we’re never gonna see lea if shaun moves out :// BUT SHAUN JUST TOLD CARLY HE LOVES HER 😭

WOW JUST WOW an amazing fucking ep 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼 I’m so freakin glad we got more of a focus on the doctors and not the patients it was freakin beautiful and honestly one of my favorite eps so far like I don’t think I was bored with any of it

THAT MELENDAIRE CONTENT THO YOOOOOO the greatest moment of my life oh my god I’m still not over it I WILL NEVER BE OVER IT and now I’m wondering if should make that melendaire video I wanted to now with their season 3 moments 👀👀 or wait until the season ends because IM SURE WE’LL GET MORE GOD BLESS 🙌🏼

Are we really getting melendaire working together again next ep

P.s. check out my melendaire gifset

[strongsassysexysloane]

You and Me

https://jpncis09.tumblr.com/post/190725282440/you-and-me please read this before continuing.. 

My muse is Jack Sloane and my crush. . . 

. . . 

You almost jumped out of your skin when theres a knock at the door and then Jack hangs up the phone. "It's unlocked." You shout.

"Youre as bad as Gibbs." She complains walking in and closing the door behind her.

"Hello to you too." You put a few fries in your mouth and fold you legs in front of you, leaning back into the couch. She sits down across from you in the arm chair.

"I don't care that youre bi, I'm bi." It took a few silent minutes of you refusing to talk for her to finally speak.

You nod, reaching for some more fries and putting them in your mouth. Not ready to give anything to her conversation just yet. That and you feel like youre about to cry from everything that has just happened in the past two hours. Why does everything have to happen at the wrong times.

"You gonna just eat or say something?" She seemed flustered. Fidgetting with her hands, kept crossing and uncrossing her legs. If this was any other scenario you'd find it quite funny and adorable. Ok, you do find it adorable.

"Eat. Because being Bi doesnt explain your behaviour." Your mouth twitches and you curse to yourself. Jack saw it and she knows the game you're playing or hiding from.

"Elsa guessed, didnt she." Jack leans forward and grabs a fry from your dinner and you raise a brow at her challenge. She knows your rules about not stealing your food. The first time she stole something from your plate during a lunch break you swatted her hand away with a squawk about 'Joey doesnt share food!' and she laughed. But you noticed the sneak attacks she made while she thought you werent looking and one day you just ended up ordering an extra side of fries and she laughed.

But the mention now of Elsa's name brings you back to the harsh reality at hand. Apparently that name now hurts to hear out loud, you feel guilty and in an unfamiliar territory. "Hey, you ok?" Jack moves to get up but you hold out your hand.

"Stay." Jack sits back down but with a very concerned look on her face. You've never said no to Jack's contact before. "Jack, why did you come tonight?"

"Because the team was going out for-"

"Don't." You know she's avoiding the question, trying to play it off. "I'm a psych major remember." She huffs out a laugh at that. You know all the tricks, espeically hers and that avoidence was just sad.  

"Because I needed to see you. Apologise. Clearly I hurt you." She waves to the tear rolling down your cheek. You quickly wipe it away.

"Yes you had a part in that but it's not what you think." You grab the burger and take a large bite out of it. Not ashamed of the way you eat in front of Jack. Hell, she's a more messy eater than you are. Plus your emotions are about to let loose and having a mouth full of food seemed like a good choice.

"Want to talk about it or eat it away?" She tries so hard to lift the mood and it almost works.

"Eat sounds good. Not sure I can talk right now." You swallow the last bit of burger and grab a few fries.

"I'll be here when you can." She gets up. "Sorry to ruin your night, I'll see you monday." She grabs her handbag and car keys.

"Why didn't you go to Gibbs place after the bar tonight?" You stop her in her tracks half way to the front door.

Jack turns. "Needed to see you." A sad smile on her face. She leans against the doorway facing you.

"Why?" You take another bite of your burger, keeping your eyes on her.

"Thought you didn't want to talk?" She pushes off the doorway and walks towards you, stopping short of the couch, still giving you space.

"I dont." You swallow. "Doesn't mean you can't." You munch on a few more fries.

"Think it's much of the same conversation." She shrugs. She's trying so hard to hold onto her resolve but you can see it cracking and you feel your walls starting to slip away.

"Jack I think Elsa broke up with me." Your wall crumbles and you burst into tears, you aren't sure where they come from, its mostly confusion youre feeling. You bury your face in your hands and don't see Jack scramble to your side but you feel her when her arms wrap around you and tug you close.

"I'm sorry, im so sorry." She buries her face in your hair and your gut churns. You shouldn't feel like this just after a break up but having Jack so close. It feels right and you think back to what Elsa said. The tears start to fade and you calm down your breathing down. "Was it because of me?" You can't speak, you don't want to talk about it, you aren't ready to admit about it because you don't know what it is. But your head betrays you and you nod. "Im sorry." You think you can hear Jack start to cry and you pull back to see tears run down her cheeks.

"Hey." God, seeing Jack cry breaks you. "None of that." You wipe her tears away and she smiles at you.

"You can cry but I cant?" She reaches up to wipe the stained tears on your cheeks.

"Seeing you cry, it hurts." You swallow, nervous. Feelings bubbling to the surface, feelings you were so unsure of. The moment you saw Jack on your first day at HQ you felt butterflies. Everytime she smiled and when she laughed, you couldn't help but smile. You'd never felt these feelings before for anyone. Mostly confused you moved these feelings aside to get on with your job and didn't let yourself think about it. Just enjoyed the friendship that started to form and then you found Elsa and the feelings were buried so deep that it wasn't until tonight that they reappeared. That and she clearly had a thing for Gibbs.

"Hurts me to see you cry and think I caused it." She disentangles herself from you, but you reach out just in time to catch her hand before she can get more space. Maybe Elsa was right and you hate yourself for it. For leading her on without knowing you were.

"Can't help who we fall for." You see shock cross Jack's face and you laugh. "Once Elsa pointed it out, the feelings I buried so deep resurfaced. Thought you were into Gibbs." She squeezes your hand.

"I mean. That ship sailed long ago. We are good friends now." Jack smiles, you can see a memory flash through her eyes.

"Is it over?" You tug at Jacks hand, pulling her back to the present. "I can't be in the middle, espeically if it invloves Gibbs."

Jack shifts, you are trying to read her but somethings changed. She drops your hand and you try to get it back but she leans forward and you suddenly realise what she's doing. She's above you, arms on either side of you, resting on the arm of the couch behind you.

"You sure?" You just nod and her lips meet yours.The world goes silent and all you can feel and hear is her. Jack has you on your back on the couch and she's above you, letting her body weight rest on you and you love it. Wrapping your arm around her waist, making sure she doesnt move and you moan into the kiss. The kiss turns into several and you can't get enough of each other.

You both have to catch your breath. Jack tries to crawl off you but your arms are locked around her waist.

"At least let me roll onto my side." She laughs and you loosen your grip so she can roll onto the couch beside you and youre so thankful for the width of the couch you bought. Perfect amount of room for the both of you but you still tug her close. "For a person who ju-"

You kiss her again, and stopping her from talking is now one of your favourite things. "Someone had eyes for someone else until they saw I had a -" You go quiet and move to sit up. All the emotions from tonight are getting too much. You were distracted by having her so close that you pushed everything out of your mind.

"I'm such a horrible person." Leaning your elbows on your knees and burying your face in your hands.

"Hey." Jack wriggles around on the couch so she can tug at your arm so you look down at her and seeing her face makes you smile, its just that simple. "She gave you an out. She saw it, you aren't cheating, we aren't going to do anything else tonight. If that makes you feel any better." Jack laughs softly.

"Slightly." You lean down and aim to kiss Jack on the forehead but get her lips instead and smile. "Cheeky."

"Always." Jack says against your lips and tangles her hand in your hair. "So much for discussing later." You both laugh at that.

"You bring it out of me. Move back." You nudge against her cheek and roll back down beside her on the couch. You nuzzle your face into the crook of Jack's neck and she wraps her arms around you, bringing you in close. You're surrounded by her and you take a deep breath.

"Thank you for talking to me. Sorry I -" She stops and you laugh into her neck. "Shut up." You kiss her neck and she hums.

"Think I found a spot." You put another open mouth kiss in the same spot and suck slightly.

"If you don't want to do anything further tonight, I suggest you stop that now." She tightens her hold of you and you leave another kiss there before turning and inhaling her hair.

"You smell so good." You mumble.

"So do you." Jack kisses the side of your head and you two settle into silence. It's not long before you feel Jack's hold of you loosen and you look up and see Jack's fallen asleep.

You wriggle slowly, not to wake her and move up the couch to get your head ontop of a pillow and pull Jack into your chest. She snuggles into your side but doesn't wake up. You think back over the night and how drastically its changed. You can't help but feel bad for Elsa but she gave you something so special, you just hope it doesn't fall to pieces. Thinking it might be a good idea to go see Elsa at work tomorrow instead of calling her. It's such a strange situation but then again nothing in your life has ever been simple or worked out the way you planned.

"Your heart is racing, hon. Just breath." Jack rises up and you look up at her. You smile at the nickname, so endearing, like you've been together for years not minutes.

"Sorry, but now that you're awake, let me get up and switch off the lights." Jack nods and rolls onto her side so you slip free and do what you said.

"No bed tonight?" Jack smirks are you slid back down onto the couch, tugging a blanket from the back of the couch and placing it over you both. You hold out your arm and she snuggles back into your chest and wrap your arm around her, running your fingers up and down her arm.

"You and my bed, now that's destined for many late night fantasies." You chuckle as Jack raised her head back up, looking at you with a raised brow. "A girl can dream."  Jack wriggles up the couch and kisses you, long and slow. "Few on this couch too." You feel Jack laugh against your chest as she settles back down beside you.

"And I thought I was the naughty one." She runs her fingers up your side and you flinch. "Ticklish are we."

"If you continue, I will kick you out." Jack's hand stops and tucks back under your butt. "Smooth." You drop a kiss to her head and settle back down, trying to will on sleep but fully aware of the woman attached to your side.

. . . .

I know its not the best but my imagination is on fire. 

[shirts181]

Random life vent

I remember being really happy as a kid/teenager, everything was awesome, always had friends and family around and did cool stuff, didn’t overthink about anything just lived my life as it came day by day. Not anymore. Before i dive into this, there’s going to be so many things im going to miss or havent remembered thats probably vital or important in relation to what im saying and as im re-reading over it ill realise i havent added something so yeah just a heads up, im a guy in his mid 20′s, majority of this my friends now dont even know about and i couldnt even imagine trying to explain all this shit to somebody i know, i guess thats why im here lol, i want to add and not sure if its related to how i turned out or not but growing up i was always on the shy side, wasn’t super shy but like when i would do shit like do a class presentation by myself id always go red and blush and sometimes get teary, not that i was sad or upset, id just get fucking teary like a dickhead lol, would use my hands when i talked and just overall looked like a nervous wreck. I was comfy around friends and family, could do whatever, didnt really care, if anything i felt like an extrovert around them, but when it came to being in situations i didnt know anybody, i plainly would just say nothing, not make an effort to really engage in conversation, just lay back and wait for that situation to be over til i was with my friends. If somebody approached me id obviously talk to them and whatever but rarely would i be the person initiating anything like that, was a bit of a idiot like that growing up lol. I’ve always been the person who wanted everyone to be happy, i was always oblivious to how other people like my friends had family or whatever issues growing up and the REAL impact it has on them, like divorced parents or they dont know their mum or dad or whatever that stuff, i knew people with depression and anxiety growing up and i was always open to talk to people about it, i LOVED being the friend to speak to if anybody was feeling like shit or wanted to vent, it made me feel really appreciated and id been given this trust to listen to what they have to say, like i might be able to make them feel better about what they had to say regardless of if i could properly help/change their circumstances and problems, but maybe put a smile on their face and make them laugh and let them know it’ll be ok without even being sure if it would, but i never would say that and 100% know it would be ok, but by saying that it might just give them some hope that things CAN be ok and they then believe it can change for the better. From the age of 16 i was super self conscious, i cared what people thought of me, not that im a super ugly guy or had anything dramatically wrong looks wise or how i was, but more so for me maybe like saying something and somebody over hearing it and me being like “oh fuck i should of said that” because it might sound bad or like having pimples (probably same as every teenager ever lol) or a bad hair day (literally) kinda thing. I cared how people portrayed me, i wanted everyone to know i was just average person who just wanted everybody to be happy, i made conscious decisions on what i said to who and where i said it, clothes i would wear depending on where i was going and who might see me, that stuff was like a necessity in my life, i wasn’t like ocd about that stuff because sometimes id be in situations where i know id be judged but still followed through, but something about me just fuckinggggg hated having somebody look at me a certain way and portray me differently to who i really am. I just re-read that and holy shit lol i sound like an idiot the way i’ve said what i’ve said, this is another thing about me maybe saying something and not accurately making it out to sound how i intend it to sound. Whatever rofl, now the real shit. I got diagnosed by a psych with anxiety when i was 18, this was the beginning of my mental downfall from then to this day. About 6-7 months of solid anxiety i could barely leave my house, was scared for no fucking reason, dont even know why, all i remember is my heart beating like crazy and feeling like i was going to pass out or whatever. This would happen mainly in social situations during and before even seeing others/doing things. I would work myself up to the point of crying, getting hives/being itchy everywhere on my body, nervously shaking and visually just looking terrified. I couldn’t drive properly because i’d get panic attacks and id feel like im about to pass out and i cant escape cos im trapped inside a car, traffic was the worst especially when i was alone, there was numerous times that i fucking cried in my car before and after id pull over to relax myself, how stupid is this shit? Why does this happen to people, how does this shit happen to ME, i dont even get why this all is even happening, im not an unhealthy person by any means so im not sick and didnt have symptoms of any illness, wtf is going on. How the fuck do i get over this, ended up seeing a psych because i had no idea wtf was wrong with me, bring in my diagnosis of having anxiety. While i was at home, i would hardcore grind out games on my computer, it made me feel normal and not like absolute shit, dont know why but at the time thats all that made me not feel like absolute shit and scared of being outside in the world. I took pills for this, tried to be active by exercising, playing sport and making an effort and forcing myself out of the house. At the start it was absolute torture, i didn’t ever think i’d get over this, it was that bad. I was on medication, couldn’t tell you what one because i just dont remember and never payed attention to medication names etc. Fast forward 6-7 months, i am actually feeling ok, i apply for jobs, go to job interviews with ease, im actually feeling really good like im making improvements in my life and progressing correctly by taking the next step, something i wouldn’t of thought of doing months earlier. I ended up getting a job and it was like a weight off my shoulders, i was excited, my parents were super happy with me for how far that i had come, i felt good as, potentially like im on track to success in living my life and being able to feel good again. As i got this job i was confident in going out and felt like i could properly just do shit, like i could be me again. This lasted about 15 months, i was ok to drive, i NEVER had a panic attack during this 15 months, i felt good af, when i drove i would even laugh at myself be like “why tf was i panicking? why was i such an idiot and getting worried over shit that cant and wont effect me and make me feel scared? why would i care about those things”, even in like social situations same thing, it was great. It all started to come back, slowly it like bloody crept its way back to being bad, but at this stage i was in denial, i was like na i can get over this i dont need to see anybody, but realistically i probably needed to. To this day i’ve never seen a psych about it, for the last 4-5 years ive almost just adapted to knowing im going to have panic attacks and feel like shit, iv learnt to cope and deal with it myself, the thought of me taking pills for this again scares me, why would i want to take pills to get better again when once i feel good, come off them, id get back into this state of mind and feel anxious again, and then repeat, why the fuck, seriously, why the fuck would i put myself into this potential scenario, i say potential because its a possibility, but thats not a risk im willing to take, people get addicted to this shit, ultimately what im trying to say is i dont want to be that person that gets reliant on taking pills to just having a functioning mind that doesnt make me feel scared and afraid, why cant i just shake this off? is there something im not doing? wtf is the cure to this shit? i know its not the pills because i dont want to become reliant on medications to make me happy. Im pretty convinced im depressed too, iv had serious thoughts about suicide, but i dont think im somebody who could actually commit to it, and if i was, i would probably make the decision to speak to somebody, but im stuck in a mindset where im not going to die from it, but i feel like shit all the time, i dont want meds, i dont know how to fix where im at pretty much, theres things that have happened to me the last couple years which have convinced me im a bad partner in a relationship, not for things i do but for what i unintentionally didnt do, im not a fulfilling boyfriend, ive either never obviously met the right girl for me or im just not fit to be a boyfriend, and thats what i think, how can somebody commit to me but im to stressed and worried about how my commitment to them might not be enough? the constant worry of not being a good boyfriend, when all i really want is for everything to be ok and happy, not that if things arent good or happy that thats a bad thing, i totally understand not everything is perfect and there are shit things that happen to people or in the world thats always going to happen, but i feel like, mainly with my last ex girlfriend, i felt like i was in a competition half the time to compete and get reassurance i was being a good boyfriend because i didnt know anything else, i was locked into this relationship i felt i couldnt escape, i so badly wanted out but was sucked into the mindset that if i left id have nothing and couldnt be with anybody because shes the only one who would be with me cos she already is, how the fuck do i overcome this, how do i get out? Its been a year since she ended up breaking up with me and pretty much for those reasons, i wasn’t up to par with her standards, i wasnt her dream boyfriend, for somebody who accepted my past issues with anxiety and letting her in on all my personal shit, if somebody who i thought cared for me leaves me, how could i ever convince or even get another girl to be with me knowing i have this weight and baggage of being a potential let down and not being able to be the person she needs me to be?  Writing all this i thought id feel better but i kinda still feel like shit. I weighed up deleting this, i had it all highlighted ready to backspace and alt f4 this but fuck it i might regret not posting this, i guess thats why im here anyway. If you read all this sorry for the random bullshit, i re-read it and i sidetracked myself hard from what i was originally going to say but im kinda tired and was literally just typing anything that came to my mind andddd yeeeeaaaahhh.. peace

[pappycat89]

im pissed at my doctor and gonna rant about it

went to see my doctor got the first time in a while. Things had been going pretty well, but lately my anxiety has been playing up real bad and i’ve been having full on panic attacks for the first time (like, i’d have minor ones occasionally, but the big attacks in three days was new for me) Anyways, i head in, and bring up my anxiety. We talk about my antidepressants. I mention how i don’t feel any different on them, that my depressive episodes are just as bad and frequent, and now theres anxiety attacks to. His response? 

“just stick with them, they’ll sort it out”

now, i let that slide, because even though i’ve been taking my meds for months now, and i know how my body feels better then he does, i dont know anything about the medication, so lets err on the side of caution.

He decides that i really need to get a fasting blood test done. This makes the 3rd one of these tests he’s made me do, and i’ve done it at least 3 times before with different doctors. The tests have always come back normal, and he only does them because he cannot believe that im fat but not dying

Anyways, i talk to him about my twitching. Randomly my body, usually my chest or neck, but sometimes my stomach and internals, with convulse. This has been happening for roughly 15 years and has gotten worse. People notice when it happens now, and sometimes they physically hurt. I can’t control them, can very rarely tell when they’ll happen, and on the off chance i feel one coming and try to hold it in, it hurts.

To all this he responds “well, you have anxiety”. I looked confused and said “but its been happening for more then a decade and is random, not when i feel anxious”. So he tells me “the blood test will tell us if something is wrong”

the blood test. that i have done 6 times before, at least, and nothing has ever shown up that indicates twitching like that. the twitching that a different doctor gave me an EEG for (which is in the records he has access to)

so i smiled, asked for a new referral for my psych cos i needed it, took my paperwork and walked out. Straight to the front desk, where i calmly and gently explained i needed to see someone else. The woman at the desk was very nice, super understanding, and i made sure not to bad mouth my doctor, but explain that i felt like he wasnt listening and i needed a second opinion, for my own mental wellbeing. So i see a different doctor in a week, and hopefully shes better then my old one.

I just, i dont get how you can just not listen to your patients. Yes, you’re a doctor with a degree and years of training, but when im telling you that my body is broken, or sore, or wrong, then listen to me. If i had some kind of infection, and had taken prescribed antibiotics for months with no change, a doctor wouldn’t hesitate to either change the medication or run more tests. So why is it that when i explain how my mental health isn’t changing, it gets brushed aside? Why do other problems, symptoms of some unknown problem, get brushed aside because theres also mental illness at play? 

i put off going to that doctor for so long, because of this exact reason. When i went in about my hands, and fear of arthritis, which runs in both sides of my family, he told me it was because of my weight and ordered the same old blood test (testing cholesterols, blood sugars etc.) When i got confused and said “but what does my weight have to do with my knuckles?” he brushed me off and said we’d talk more when the bloods came back. 

I really really hope this new doctor listens to me. The first doctor i saw at this medical center was so good. The first time i went in, we talked about my weight, he asked if i would mind doing blood tests, explained he wanted them done as a base line for future visits, and when that was out of the way we talked about why i went in. After that, every time i went in, and when it was relevant to what i came in about, he brought up my weight, but he also listened when i doubted it was my weight. he gave me options, both for losing weight and if i didnt want to. When i talked to him about my twitches, he organised tests, including the EEG, but also wanted to chase up things like sleep apnoea, incase that contributed, before trying meds. It sucks that he left before we had a chance to take it further.

anyways, im glad im seeing someone new and i hope things go well with her. I also need to chase up a new pysch, but thats a whole other kettle of fish

[anarchy-in-the-pre-k]

absolutely pissed at a few friends i know dont go on tumblr. 

dont know anyone to talk to bc im down to two friends in my life so unless i want to lose them too then i guess i just have to scream into the void of anonymous blogging. ive had an crazy pathological FOMO for almost as long as i can remember. ive felt like an old old man since i was 15. all i can think about every day of my goddamn life is the passing of time and how my youth has been wasted in circumstances/a time and place where theres no cool counterculture/art for art’s sake/anything meaningful and social. im 20 now and ive been feeling like my best years are behind me for years. college is a nightmare. ive lost every friend ive had except for two and im not even entirely sure why. nobody wants to do anything. there are old friends in town, im always surrounded by old friends, but none of them leave the house. i dont want to live in a world where the only people in my life are friends from high school who blow me off every night for their millionth round of league of legends and my genuinely insane alcoholic dad who just goes on crazy rants that make me want to kill hiim and then myself. this is a crazy way to live. i cant move out. even if i could, id be miserable having a landlord/being a wage slave again. my god, all i want is the barest amount of social interaction that doesnt make me want to die. i cant believe ive never been to a crazy party, that almost all the friends ive ever had never wanted to do anything but sit around and play video games.

but onto what’s bothering me today. met up with the two friends i have left. known them for a while but we didnt use to be as close. they’re the closest to “interesting” or countercultural/artistic friends ive ever had, but they see all of that as mostly behind them. im incredibly resentful of not being “let in” on some of the more crazy times they had when we were growing up, but i can usually manage those feelings. today, they were just reminiscing about this secret spot in the woods they used to have wild parties at during high school. the way they described it made it seem like every stupid youthful experience that i’ve ever wanted. huge gatherings getting broken up by cops, a small pond for diving in from a gigantic vandalized cliff. glow sticks tied in trees for when it gets dark. ive known about this place forever, and ive always asked everyone to show it to me. i asked for years and years and years and nobody took the fucking 2 hours out of their lives to satisfy my curiosity. now i just have to sit there and listen to them talk about it like its the greatest thing that ever happened to them, so many life-changing experiences. so many true and completely authentic celebrations of being young and irresponsible. everything i always wanted, i begged them over and over to show me when we were all younger and they never found the time. now, they just talk about it, and i sit there, visually super uncomfortable, i tell them im annoyed that they never got around to taking me there- they dont take criticism well at all. they try to be polite, but they just want me to quit complaining. after the most hyperbolic shit you can imagine coming out of their mouths about this glorious place that shaped their young lives, i immediately hear a “oh, you wouldnt have liked it anyway, logan” just to shut me up. i didnt say anything to them for the rest of the day.

I know how crazy I sound, I dont care. I know there’s something wrong with me in the way i glorify those kinds of memories, how badly i want times like that to come back, but they know that about me too, and it was almost as if that whole conversation was designed specifically to torture me. it was like they took my deep-rooted, extremely sensitive pathological FOMO and said absolutely every combination of words that would set it off. i felt like some kind of incredibly cruel joke was being played on me at certain points. they went on for like 20 minutes. i think im really getting sick of this friend group, but if idecide to take a break from them, then ill be down to 0 friends. 0 friends and my only human interaction will be with my insane, narcissistic, racist, violent dad, who’s just looking for an excuse to kick me out of the house anyway.

I hate the kind of person i am now. I hate having this much hate in me. I know that absolutely nothing in this environment is doing any favors for me mentally, but i cant think of anything else to do. I say that now, even as I type it, I dont feel any better. there is nothing cathartic about this. I can say it over and over again “I dont know what to do now” but that doesnt change the fact that when im done making this post, i will have to keep living this. i have no power to change my life. there are no new friends to be had. i dont know how to meet women beyond dating apps, and staying on them makes me miserable. i have no other relatives to complain about my dad to. i have no other friends i can complain about these two to. all i do is list my problems in my head with nothing productive to be done even after identifying my problems. I know that so much of it is “just me”, but my environment is forcing all the worst parts of me to come out over and over. im horribly, incredibly lonely, but i hate everyone i come to interact with. i dont know if theres any hope for it to ever be otherwise for me. i thought i would use isolation, especially during quarantine, to make some money and prove my worth to myself as an artist. ive had my stories published bought by a few magazines now and i still feel horribly empty. i feel too world weary to even imagine myself having a positive relationship/friendship with anyone ever again. im just so tired of every single person that i meet. im tired of everyone, and the most amount of pleasure afforded to me is sitcom reruns and fast food. the safest, most conformist material pleasures that there are. i hate my own melodrama, i hate that i care this much about small thinngs, i hate that theres something so deeply wrong with my psyche that im this crazed by the mention of a punk hangout spot that nobody ever showed me when i was younger, but i am going to live the rest of my life resenting that everyone around me only wanted to game, and nobody ever wanted to go to the shady/weird spots of the woods with me. how can i have missed my chance to childishly self indulgence, only to come out a whining adolescent still? how can i still be such a kid while missing what it felt like to be a kid? i dont know. ive always felt this way, but its only been especially bad for the last 3ish years. if it keeps going like this i dont know what ill do. again, no catharsis. again, there is nothing healing about my writing this. life sucks at every moment and then, somehow, i decide to keep living. im going to build a ted shed soon i think

[pokefanbri]

https://www.facebook.com/104057744428568/posts/156998459134496/?sfnsn=mo&d=n&vh=e

Fucking told him its a huge red flag if someone doesn't get rid of their apps. Multiple apps. Smh 😠 "oh yea i don't use them anymore" proceeds to use fb dating app" for real come on bro!

Some comments of the post:

"If you have to be checking up on your Partner then you shouldn't be with that person.. Idk how people have time for all this .. love yourself and know your worth.."

"If you're in a serious committed exclusive relationship you should not be on tinder. That's how I met my fiance and as soon as we said we are gf and bf and exclusive we both deleted it. Honestly if I was her I would have broken up with him too"

"a person also has a right to trust their gut feeling and check things out if something's not feeling right. Knowledge is power"

I've already discussed this but this news clip further validates my point of the topic, nothing more. I could call him out on hs bs further with detail, but I won't....yet, out of respect even though he probably doesn't deserve it. Til he reaches me & apologizes for everything he's done, i can say whatever tf I want & i could make a whole damn list.

Its the events of this what happened that started our downfall to begin with cuz i didn't trust him & he didn't even try to gain it back just left it as is when I could've turned my back right then & there, no apology either. Didnt apologize much actually, not even when i last saw him. But from then we spiraled & he got bored of me. I wasn't giving him what he wanted in whatever way & he wanted to find more. Closed himself off from the beginning & that created his boredom 😒

Would've had a blast together like a normal fucking couple if he was less closed off, & wouldn't have felt the need to do shit behind my back.

I'll stop talking about it for now, I have the anger & urge to keep going but I wont...actually no Screw it im pissed 😡 but ill keep it light. Its just not fair, I did so much for him but I was disrespected in different aspects of the whole relationship. Fuck! I've talked about the positives alot cuz i do love him..but the negatives are such bs too.

I want a good ass sincere apology for all of it so I can forgive him & move on, ive already apologized myself even though I dont think I should have to 😒. Didnt even give me a straight answer for the breakup, it was always a different excuse when I know he just wanted to pursue other women without me around im not fucking stupid. His own toxicity was too much even for himself & I was in the line of fire, to where i was the toxic one? No fuck that its unacceptable, he always lied when it came to covering his own ass.

For all i know he's watching me squirm & taking pleasure in all the pain I'm going through over him cuz he likes the attention. But no I actually don't think so on that one he's still good & ill give him credit where its due. But I gave him all the attention he wanted/needed & still wanted more from someone else. Really dude fucking really!?

Man up & own up to your mistakes, speak to me where I can actually hear ur voice speaking back to me with sincerity. We'll apologize together. Yea ull be pissed about this, but after u get over it & calm down. Give in & call me, granted when ur ready, & open up for once in your damn reserved life. Itll help us both with more closure & may even take a weight off our shoulders if we just talk it out, no arguing...since we're done there's no point anyway..a friendly non judgment zone cuz idc, i won't think of u any less.

U confused me during & especially after the relationship cuz i didnt know who u really were, i know the good cuz that's what u allowed me to see, ive accepted the bad that I knew already & from what ive learned...i accepted u regardless.

I always forgave u & not cuz im passive, cuz forgiveness is what the Bible teaches.. ive forgiven u & myself the best i could especially with the last things ive showed u, (accept this part cuz im pissed rn & standing up for myself, ill delete eventually maybe if u ask cuz nobody wants to be seen any less of a person. but I can make it alot worse, calling me the mistake was the worst thing u ever said to me & pointing out your faults so u can be better throughout the relationship was my only toxicity to u) we actually never really fought except the 1 time, just argued a tiny bit rarely about little things.

Ive tried using every ounce of my courage to show u how much im sorry for any wrong ive done. but its up to u now to make things right. U know me, ive always said that u can talk to me about anything. I want to be able to trust again & move on whilst staying friends. What else do u have to lose, might even have a great heart to heart convo dude to dudet

Everything ive ever said up to this point lies all my Questions. But here's most of the list, we both were equally in control of the relationship. Maybe u didn't want me to? But doing everything I had to for myself & the household, what u & ur parents wanted of me & just me being me cuz i had to, u had your own part to play & did provide...but did u actually not want me to cater to u if it were a sign u were lazy or something? Like did u not feel worthy of me? What is it u think is my "addicting personality" that isn't fixable on the surface? What is it really that u didnt like about me? This is why i don't have closure, u left me like this, confused as well as wanting more since u held back so much. Was that on purpose to give me even more false hope & want me to pine over u? Did u ever or do u still, love me at all? What did u want from me & out of the relationship, what was the purpose of it from ur perspective & why do u think i couldn't give that to u? What did i lack that u felt compelled to not tell me so I could improve & vise versa so we both could improve? Why wouldn't u allow me to help u become a better man when (I shouldnt have to btw), its exactly what u wanted but maybe didnt see it? Do u realize your own faults even as u do them? Lol. Like i genuinely want to know as much as the good ive seen, cuz to be better the more open of a person u are the more u understand yourself too.

Unless claiming u want to be a better man is part of ur alluring charm in love bombing process to land a caring girl on purpose lol...god I hope not, that would just mean u rinse & repeat like a for real narcissist 🤔 seriously tho look into that im not even kidding, im asking cuz i care. Im pissed now but 1 thing is that im trying to not put ur behavior against u cuz maybe u can't help it, its just the way u are, all ive seen & experienced points to maybe 50% of u lol. Ive always suspected narcissism, a real psych problem that might be worth looking into. But yea 1 of the reasons especially why im so forgiving & trying not to put it against u, why i still care despite u being a dick lol. I chose to look past it, all the time & up to now cuz I understand what its like to have psychological ailments. The worst part about it is most dont realize it, so i encourage u to do some research & self reflection & admitting it to urself are the 1st steps. Okay? There's different kinds & levels to being 1 too, i found that fascinating. bryan is definitely a different type, ur more lighter than that...definitely not the worst which is the physical harm type. Trust me its worth finding out more about yourself, just dont use it to ur advantage in a bad way but i trust u to do right & grow. Not sure a discarded supply (ie me) has ever tried telling a narcy what they might be for the benefit of their own self awareness 🤔,idk if its ever been done, but theres a 1st for everything? U can find alot on it in quora digest alone but Google is also ur friend.

You always were worth every effort of mine to help u in any way to be happy, & i was most happy when u were. U mean alot to me still, its the effect u had on me, I was under ur spell lol its hard to rid myself of it still, not sure when it'll pass. I chose to see it as a gift rather than a curse, that ur effect on me is still so strong when I shouldn't give a damn. If u really are a narcy, then I understand & don't put alot against u cuz its just the way u are & i need to accept it, but if it somehow helps u to help yourself cuz of it, then whats the harm? But, even in doing this or having my socials public for u...maybe just feeds into what u want...i still dont care, I want u to see how bad or good im doing without u in my life, so u know im okay at least. U promised friendship, least I can do is allow u to keep tabs on me too we spoke of, on my end of things.

The 18th of June was the last time i saw u. It'll soon be a month ago in about a week & a 1/2 & your birthday would mark 2 months. Cant believe we couldn't even last through to that 😔

Mark my words playa I will be contacting u on that day lol. Can't ghost your homie forever sweetie

[cisco-fics-4-all]

Sleeping All The Time

Hey everybody. It’s RJ. I’d like to say I’m back, but I’m not sure if that’s true, so I’ll settle with I’m here for now. It’s been a wacky ride, getting on my new meds, taking on more shifts at work, trying to get through the day with bitchy customers and a head full of psych meds. It’s honestly been exhausting, and I’ve been doing all I can to muster up the energy to come back, but it’s frustratingly harder than I anticipated. This little piece is a product of a long nap, and a few FOB songs to get me in the spirit. I know there are still a butt ton of requests waiting to be filled, and some asks waiting to be answered, and I’m not gonna ignore them forever. But for right now, I’m taking it one step at a time. So as a sort of...apology for all that, heres a small Cisco fic, hope you all like it.

“Cisco!” Pablo called as he bounded up the stairs, brandishing a very confused cat in his arms, “Cisco check it out, I taught Iggy a new trick! Cisco!”

“Shhhh!!!” Pablo froze, met with a scowling Francisco, the confused Iggy cat scrambling from Pablo’s arms. “Do you have no concept of an inside voice?!” Francisco demanded, gripping the tops of the banister so tightly, his knuckles were white.

Pablo eyed his doppelganger’s grip on the wood, and imagined Francisco would rather it be his neck, but was restraining himself. “S-sorry,” Pablo mumbled meekly, “I was just...I didn’t mean to-”

“Lay off him Francisco,” Cisco instructed firmly, “she’s still asleep.” Francisco did as he was told, but shot a lasting, smoldering look of warning in Pablo’s direction  before turning and dropping dejectedly on the couch. Cisco managed a small smile at his more chipper doppelganger, “what is it you wanted to show me buddy?” he asked politely, calmly, but Pablo knew Cisco, and even if he didn’t, he knew himself. All of the Cisco’s had similar nervous tells.

First was the hair tucking, whenever something was going a little sideways, you could find any Cisco with his hair down tucking it behind his ears carefully. Next was a common one, lip biting, nervous Cisco’s tended to nibble on their bottom lips, sometimes without noticing, which Cisco prime was doing right now as he looked down at Pablo. Third, and possibly less common among the four of them, but still obvious, was the pocketing. The two of them that were career engineers tended to be animated with their hands when speaking, but when they were nervous, those animated hands got tucked securely in pants pockets, probably Pablo guessed, to avoid worse habits like nail biting, or knuckle cracking. Cisco was displaying all three indicators, hair tucked, lip in his teeth, and hands snug in his jeans, and Pablo knew that a nervous Cisco was never a good sign.

“What’s wrong?” Pablo aked, ignoring the question about what he’d wanted to show his doppelganger.

Cisco seemed surprised at Pablo’s intuition at first, but then shook his head realizing it probably wasn’t too hard to piece together from his perspective. “Nothing,” he lied, shrugging his shoulders, “Francisco and I were just worried you might wake RJ.”

“Wake RJ?” Pablo repeated with a frown, “I thought she was awake, I just saw her eating cereal an hour ago.”

Cisco nodded and began to open his mouth to explain something, but Francisco butt in. “She went back to bed idiot, I didn’t realize that was such a hard concept to grasp.”

“Hey, thats enough!” Cisco snapped back, “you don’t get to treat him like garbage just because you’re worried. You know he’s not like us.”

‘Not like us’ stood out to Pablo, making his stomach turn with his own nervousness, his lip finding it’s way between his teeth. “Did you guys vibe something about RJ?” he asked softly, “something bad?”

Francisco made an exasperated noise, but kept his mouth shut. Cisco let out a weary sigh, giving his doppelganger another small smile as he shook his head, “No Pablo, we didn’t vibe something bad about RJ.” He glanced back down the hall towards RJ’s room, a place where all four of them used to congregate quite regularly, but now hardly ever saw. The twisting in Pablo’s stomach got worse, and Cisco seemed to sense it. “Come on, lets go outside for some fresh air ok?” Cisco suggested, nodding towards the back deck door, “I’ll explain it to you out there, alright?”

Pablo nodded hesitantly, climbing the last few steps he’d been stopped on, and following his doppelganger out onto the deck. The sun was bright and warm, and the sky a pretty shade of blue, with massive fluffy white clouds drifting lazily by. Normally a view like that could brighten Pablo’s day in a snap, but with all this strange secrecy about a problem Pablo had yet to know about, the view was unimportant to him. “Is RJ gonna die?” Pablo blurted out the question before he had time to stop himself, the worry in him bubbling to the surface like mentos in coke.

“What? No!” Cisco assured him quickly, “Jesus no...it’s nothing that serious,” he said the word ‘serious’, then seemed to back track and added, “ok well...it’s nothing that detrimental, I should say.”

“Cisco...” Pablo whined, tears brimming in his eyes, “I don’t want RJ to die, I don’t want her to be in pain at all, I just want her to be happy and healthy like always, I don’t want-”

“Slow down buddy,” Cisco quickly intervened, putting a hand on each of Pablo’s shoulders to steady him. “I just said she’s not gonna die, so take a breath and let that sink in before we continue, ok?”

Pablo nodded, doing as instructed while Cisco did the same. He held his breath for a count of ten, then let it out slowly, the twisting in his stomach eased only a little. “Ok tell me,” Pablo said swiftly, squeezing his eyes shut, “what’s wrong with RJ?”

He heard Cisco sigh again, felt his hands fall from his shoulders, then heard “There’s nothing wrong with her,” his eyes snapping open in a confused and accusing look at his doppelganger. “Ok well there is something wrong, but not like wrong wrong...it’s more mentally wrong than physically?” Cisco tried to explain it better, but knew he was failing, after all it was difficult to talk about someone elses’s struggle, you weren’t in their place, you didn’t know the extent of it. Cisco took in another breath, “Ok look, you know what depression is, right?” he asked, hoping Pablo wasn’t as much of a Disney prince as he seemed, and was familiar with the concept of such all consuming negative feelings.

Pablo frowned as if trying to do a particularly hard math problem in his head, “Yes…?” he replied slowly, “I mean...sort of...that’s the thing that you have because...well because of...umm,” He glanced sideways nervously, then whispered the name he wasn’t sure Cisco wanted to hear, “Dante.”

To Pablo’s surprise, Cisco smiled, even while nodding in the affirmative that Pablo was right. “Yeah ok, I do have it, and some of it is from losing Dante, but there’s other parts to it as well,” he nodded to the chairs positioned around the deck table, taking a seat himself.“The important part is that you know what it is,” Cisco continued, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees as he explained, “depression is a mental illness, it’s sort of like...you remember when we had that Harry Potter marathon?” Pablo nodded, not sure how Harry Potter was involved, but listening intently to what Cisco had to say. “Ok, well it’s like being attacked by a Dementor,” Cisco went on, “all the happiness is just sorta...sucked out of you, and you just feel like nothing is worth while, and nothing is good, and nothing makes you happy, and everything makes you tired, and just-” he paused realizing he was rambling, then shook his head, “basically it sucks, and there’s no cure for it, but you can sort of wrangle it into remission with medication and stuff.”

Pablo nodded, absorbing all of this information, and applying it to RJ. “So...RJ has depression?” he asked, wanting to clarify, “that’s whats wrong with her?”

Cisco nodded, “Yup,” he replied, then sighed as he sat back, “and right now, she’s having a hard time wrangling it, so she went back to bed because...well because it seemed like the best thing to do.”

Pablo nodded, then nodded some more, looking almost like a life size bobble head until he asked, “Isn’t she on medication?”

Cisco sighed again, nodding as his eyebrows drew together. “Yeah, she’s on new medication though, and it sometimes takes a while for depression meds to work, if they work at all.” He drew his lip up between his teeth again, gazing thoughtfully into space, “That’s why Francisco is so grouchy, he wants the meds to work for RJ, but theres nothing he can do to make sure they work, and you know him, hes always got a back up plan, only theres no way to have a back up plan in this scenario, so he’s stuck waiting it out and it’s driving him up a wall...it’s driving me up a wall too.”

Pablo frowned at Cisco, watching a sadness come over Cisco’s eyes as he continued to gaze at nothing in particular. He leaned forward, placing a hand on Cisco’s knee. “She’ll be alright though,” Pablo said rather than asked, “she’s always alright in the end, so she’ll be alright this time too.”

Cisco’s eyes focused on Pablo’s face, taking in the determinedly confident little smile Pablo had. “You think so?” Cisco asked, a small smile of his own quirking his lips.

Pablo nodded, “I know so,” he assured Cisco gently, “I mean, she’s got us, so we can make sure she is.”

Cisco’s smile fell slightly, “Pablo, theres no way we can make sure she’s -” but Pablo cut him off.

“Sure there is!” Pablo declared with a wider smile, “I mean no, we can’t do anything about her medicine, but we can do it in other ways,” he was practically grinning now, “we can keep her company, make sure she eats, make sure she sleeps well, make sure she smiles every so often,” he shrugged as if he were listing the simplest tasks in the world, “she’ll be right as rain in no time!”

Cisco let out a soft chuckle at Pablo’s enthusiasm. “You really think we can help her that much?” he asked.

Pablo nodded, “Absolutely,” he replied, “it worked for you didn’t it?”

Cisco smiled at that, “Yeah...yeah I guess it did.”

Pablo smiled back, “See, we can do it, one step at a time.”

“What are you guys so smiley about?” Cisco and Pablo turned towards the door, a groggy RJ gazing down at them.

“I’m sorry darling, I told Pablo to be quieter, but you know how he is-” Francisco was apologizing behind her, but Pablo had jumped to his feet.

“RJ, you’re up!” he rushed her with a hug, “I’m sorry if I woke you, I didn’t realize you needed more rest,” he took a step back, smiling at her the whole time, “do you need anything, water, a snack? Oh, did you wanna see the new trick I taught Iggy?”

RJ blinked at him, the sun and his chipper attitude almost blinding her. “Um...I am thirsty...” she admit, managing a small little smile.

“Ok, I’ll get you some water, or did you want something else? Tea? Coffee?”

RJ smiled a little more, “Tea sounds lovely actually,” she decided, “Earl Grey with milk and honey?”

Pablo nodded, “Coming right up,” he declared. He moved past her carefully, shooting a smile at Francisco as he glared suspiciously at him.

RJ squinted out at Cisco, “Were you two talking about me?” she asked running a hand through he sleep mussed hair.

Cisco nodded, “Yes,” he told her honestly.

RJ frowned, “Nothing bad I hope?”

Cisco shook his head and smiled., “No, nothing bad.”

RJ nodded, “Ok...good.” She scratched her head again and yawned, “Sorry I’ve been sleeping so much lately, I just -”

At that Cisco stood, shaking his head, and taking her face in his hands. “You have nothing to apologize for,” he assured her earnestly, “you get all the rest you need, we’ll be here when you come back.”

RJ gave him a pouty little smile, batting her sleepy lashes at him. “You promise?”

Cisco nodded, “Promise.”

[lovelesswiki]

The dynamic between Natsuo and Youji has always fascinated me. Since their first appearance, they've obviously moved beyond murderous psychopath twins. I enjoy your commentary on Loveless characters so, do you have insight to offer on the Sagan Brothers?

hey! thanks for the question!

i talked a bit about natsuo and youji when i wrote this post, but ill expand on it a bit here. 

let me start by saying that i have a lot of gripes with the way loveless is written, and most of those gripes surround the fact that we’ve dropped every plot line and bit of characterization besides ‘look at this weird thing seimei’s doing!!!!!!! LOOK AT IT!!!!!”

surprisingly, though, natsuo and youji are not part of that. 

in all seriousness, natsuo and youji are the two characters in loveless who i think have been written and have remained to be written really, really well. they’ve developed and changed over the course of the series in a way that’s consistent and believable, while their core values have remained pretty much the same. what i’m trying to say here is that even though this is a manga about catboys and even though i’m talking about two genetically modified kids who can’t feel pain, natsuo and youji are written shockingly realistically. 

i talked a lot in the post i linked above about attachment theory and how it affected the sagan boys (and maybe the girls, too). the basic rundown is that developmental psychologists (developmental clinical psych is actually my specialty hahah so this may get long) have a theory about why kids sometimes act out inappropriately sometimes towards adults. from an early age, kids are supposed to ‘securely attach’ onto an adult, which basically means that kids are supposed to have a parental figure they can trust, and it’s supposed to be someone they can trust to come back and trust to comfort/soothe them in times of need, whether that’s physical needs (food, water, discomfort) or emotional needs (lonliness, pain [emotional or physical], affection, etc). kids who are not securely attached but still have some sort of attachment usually have minor developmental issues, but kids who are unable to form an attachment at all usually suffer greatly from larger emotional, behavioral, and developmental issues. 

i’ve also talked a bit about how i feel nagisa’s relationship with natsuo and youji is very…ignored or passed over. and really, it’s not completely the readership’s fault, because her treatment of them is often played for laughs. but sometimes, it’s not, and it’s in those times that it becomes apparent just how concerning her behavior is towards them, especially since it’s in those times that it’s obvious that the two are looking to her for some sort of real, parental support, and she’s reacting very badly and abusively to it.

this panel is a prime example of this, because at the time youji was expressing concern for nagisa and wanting to help her in a very normal way, and she reacts by hitting him hard while screaming that he’s useless to her. when i bring up this scene, i like to also bring up the fact that until soubi takes them in when they’re twelve (or eleven), the two of them lived with her and just because they can’t feel pain doesn’t mean that she’s allowed to hit or injure them. it doesn’t justify it–in fact, it actually makes things worse, given that any abuser could see this as a justification to do it more. 

what’s more is that after this, youji doesn’t even react. he seems to think it’s completely normal, like he’s grown up with this, and it’s that that makes me doubt, as well as her previous treatment of them, that this is a first-time or even recent thing. every interaction we have between nagisa and natsuo and youji is her being extremely cruel, cold, and overall pretty terrible to them. she never actually treats them well and it’s as if she sees them as toys rather than actual children who simply can’t feel pain.

i’ve said previously that natsuo and youji most definitely did not attach onto nagisa correctly, if at all. theres things that are incredibly off about them and her, including the way they seem to think of their relationship with nagisa as having the potential for a romantic relationship or simply just the way they are at the beginning of the series. at their introduction, the two of them are sadistic monsters who seem to want nothing more than to hurt everyone around them and behave completely outside of the norm. in fact, at their introduction, the two of them fit almost every qualification for both reactive attachment disorder and conduct disorder

(these simplify the symptoms a little bit from how i learned them in clinical classes, but it’s a good simplified rundown)

conduct disorder:

reactive attachment disorder:

it’s notable that conduct disorder is typically estimated to turn into antisocial personality disorder (ASPD) in about ~30% of cases and is sometimes seen as a precursor to ASPD. some clinicians that i’ve met actually believe that CD always turns into ASPD. in my opinion, they are wrong because of nature vs nurture AKA i believe that if it’s caught and intervened with in a healthy, correct manner, the effects of CD and RAD (which are usually co-morbid, for the record) can be reversed. some people don’t agree with that, but that’s my professional fight to fight. anyways, i keep saying at the beginning of the series because… to put it simply, Natsuo and Youji have changed and progressed more than any other character in the series, including ritsuka and soubi. 

obviously, the general treatment for RAD and CD is usually to find out why a child isn’t attaching/why they haven’t attached and change that. the cause for both of them is typically abuse and neglect, two things we’ve seen in natsuo and youji’s case with nagisa. if a clinician/case worker were to asses the situation, it would’ve been bad enough that they would’ve been taken out of the household. which is what happened, accidentally, when natsuo and youji lost the battle against soubi despite driving a nail through his hand. after that, the next step would be to put the child(ren) with someone else, someone who’s fit to be a parent and preferably, someone who will take care of them and give them what they need, and someone who will allow them to progress at their own rate with attaching. that… again, is what accidentally happened. i’m not saying that agatsuma soubi is a perfect parent or even a really good one, but he happened to be what natsuo and youji needed to start becoming normal kids and not sadistic monsters who nearly raped a woman. soubi essentially lets them do what they want with some guidelines and isn’t overbearing but takes care of them and seems to offer them some sort of parental figure to talk to if they want to. he’s not the best at it and obviously has no idea what he’s doing, but purely by coincidence, he’s doing something right. 

right now in the series, natsuo and youji are little goblins who are annoying and irritating and a bit mean to the people around them, but they’re nothing like how they were. the way they are right now is kind of how you’d expect any shitty, stuck-up middle schooler entering puberty to be. maybe they’re a little worse, but they’re absolutely nothing like how they were at some point. they’ve developed relationships with other kids, have succeeded in school, and have somewhat attached onto soubi to the point where they generally seem to do what he says and didn’t want to leave when they were called back to nagisa. in fact, they even state that living with soubi is much more preferable and enjoyable than living with nagisa.

the two of them could still clearly benefit from a lot of therapy but completely by coincidence, soubi was the right thing for them and natsuo and youji have developed to the point where they can be called protagonists who don’t really have any bad intentions anymore.

there’s something else i wanted to touch on that i mentioned above, and that’s the fact that they’ve both made offhanded comments that seem to imply that they view nagisa in a romantic/sexual light. this is something that seems to confuse fans a lot to the point where many just tend to choose to completely ignore it since they don’t want to touch that with a ten foot pole, and i don’t blame them–it’s weird and creepy and so, so out of the norm that people can’t start to comprehend it. after all, most people, to some extent or another seem to realize at least a little even if they look over it, that nagisa did raise these two and is a maternal figure. their remarks about her would make anyone uncomfortable. well, i’m here to make you all more uncomfortable by saying that this is due to abuse and is completely in-character on nagisa’s part.

emotional incest is a term that you don’t tend to hear unless it’s out of a clinical setting or from a community of people who are recovering from/dealing with abuse (justnomil on reddit uses this term rightfully a lot, for example). emotional incest is generally where someone treats their kids as if they’re their romantic/sexual partner emotionally by seeking inappropriate emotional support from their kids when that emotional support should only be sought from an adult involved with them. this is when the parent turns to the child to use them as a confident/emotional support to lean on when the child needs their emotional and physical needs fulfilled. in turn, the children feel emotionally abandoned because their parent is using them for only emotional support as if they’re a romantic partner. it doesn’t imply that there’s physical incest/sexual abuse going on, but the effects can be similar. (this is a helpful link for more info about emotional/covert incest).

in short, this seems to be what’s going on between nagisa and natsuo and youji. she’s shown in the manga dumping all of her problems and emotional problems onto natsuo and youji, who might i remind you are 11-12 years old, and never really talking to another adult about them because natsuo and youji don’t know enough to tell her that she’s doing something wrong/needs to change. when a parent does this and treats their kids this way, it can often leave the kids… feeling very strangely about the adult. oftentimes, like with physical incest, it can initially leave the kids feeling ‘special’, like they’re better than the adults, like they’re mature, and these feelings can lead towards the want to fulfill what they think is the expectation of a romantic partner. or, better said, it’s very common for kids to mistakenly develop what they attribute as romantic feelings for the parent, because they think the parent is treating them so specially and already as a romantic/sexual partner. this seems to be what’s happening with natsuo and youji in this case. i say this because while they make comments about this (’my/our woman’, wanting to be more sexually experienced for her, etc), they don’t seem to hold any actual feelings for her, but more the expectation that because of how she treats them, that this is what they’re supposed to do with her. 

emotional incest is a very hard concept to grasp because not a lot of people know about it and because of that, it’s hard to understand why natsuo and youji act the way they do towards nagisa, but i’m  pretty positive that it’s because of the fact that she treats them like romantic/sexual partners emotionally by dumping all of her emotions and problems on them and trying to have them deal with it and offering them no parental reassurance or support. this is really just another long winded way of talking about another way in which natsuo and youji attached wrongly onto nagisa, which caused the way they are in their introduction to the series.

youji and natsuo’s emotional and development problems might be better understood when looked at from a community psychology viewpoint, as well. community psych isn’t my specialty, but it’s a side passion of mine so i think i know it pretty well. community psychology basically looks at the levels of development and problems that someone has and how they can affect someone at an individual level. if someone has problems at all levels, then they are likely to be developmentally and emotionally affected at an individual level. 

above is the systems usually used in community psych. it helps us understand the connection between problems an individual has and the problems a society has and how they affect each other in this context. i’d wager to say that natsuo and youji are so developmentally and emotionally affected because they have problems at literally every level. starting off from macrosystems, they have an issue with the culture/society they’re in, given that they’re isolated by nagisa and considered outsides due to their physical condition. locally, they have similar issues–they’re completely isolated in one culture in an isolated school in an isolated town in an isolated mountainous area, and even then, they’re a little ostracized in the community because of the fact they can’t feel pain, something that’s very integrated into the culture of the Fighter-Sacrifice world. Organizationally, they’re isolated, as well, because they live with nagisa and don’t go to school in the traditional sense. they also have a ton of problems in their microsystem with their ‘family’, consisting of nagisa, and their lack of friends. overall, all of their problems and isolations in all these contexts comes down to cause problems on the individual, to the point where in the beginning, natsuo and youji do not act like normal kids at all.

it’s only after the two of them are exposed to a normal, usual culture (macrosystem), placed in a non-isolated city (local), going to a regular non-isolated diverse school (organizational), and have a somewhat functioning, healthy family and group of friends do they start to greatly improve, because all those issues have been taken off of the individual, leaving them to start developing correct attachments and overall ‘getting better’.

i know that i’ve rambled a lot about psychology and also about nagisa in this, but both those things are so heavily intertwined with natsuo and youji’s stories that it’s hard to separate them or not talk about them when trying to analyze them.

so, to combat that, let’s talk a little about them as individuals?

natsuo and youji are very interesting characters, both in-series and in meta. they’re treated interestingly in fandom [in meta]. i, like many others, treat and tend to talk about them like they’re one person, rather than two separate people. i do this a lot, and i’ve been doing it in this post, even. honestly, sometimes it’s easier to view them as two people because although they look different and have started having obviously separate personalities, the two of them are a unit and they’re so involved with each other that just like it’s hard to not talk about nagisa when analyzing them, it’s hard not to consider them as one single unit of a person when doing the same. the fact of the matter is, though, that they are two different people, and more obviously so after they’ve started living with soubi. 

originally when they were introduced, natsuo and youji seemed like they had the same personalities. they were both equally violent and malicious, and at the time, neither seemed more subdued that the other. over time, though, as they’ve started adjusting to being more ‘normal’, they’ve developed significantly different personalities. natsuo is the calmer of the two, but seems more generally upset at things happening around him. he’s developed a better mind for empathy and seeing the emotions of others and seems to follow youji usually. the empathy is a double-edged sword, though, since natsuo seems to get more easily depressed/upset at events and happenings. youji, on the other hand, has developed to be much more of a leader in his antics, but he has clear and obvious trouble empathizing with others, something that seems to frustrate him lately. he more clearly shows distress when he is distressed and seems to get much more frustrated with himself. they’ve both lost most of their violent tendencies and have developed into just generally mischievous gremlins children. i jokingly call youji the ‘hell child’ because of his tendency to start erratic misbehavior, but it’s absolutely nothing close to attempting to rape someone or killing animals and (maybe) people. 

meta-wise, this change has started a clear trend of liking natsuo and youji. i’ve discussed this same thing before, but at their introduction, you’re not supposed to like them because they’re introduced as small monsters who kill a dog, might’ve killed Sleepless, and then try to rape hitomi and drive a nail through soubi’s hand. you’re absolutely not supposed to like them and you’re supposed to want to kick soubi’s ass when he takes them in out of what you later realize is pity on his part. as they become more human and normal, though, people fall in love with them, and they eventually clearly turn ‘good’ when they willingly try to fight against seimei and then willingly volunteer to go with soubi and ritsuka for support when kio gets kidnapped, despite the fact that soubi is marked as one of the strongest fighters and is clearly able to take on bloodless on his own. 

on top of that, natsuo and youji have begun to care. this is most clear when they both get upset over ritsuka being upset over the loss of soubi and their immediate insistence that theyll help him. there’s not a whole lot in it for them, since they believe they can take care of themselves (though they can’t, but they don’t know that in canon), so they’re helping ritsuka out of what seems to be concern for someone they view as family/a very good friend. the fact that they care is actually clear before this, though, specifically when nagisa calls them back and they realize that they sort of just want to stay here, with soubi, and then they later realize that they miss him and ritsuka, and then they finally make the conscious decision to leave the woman that they’ve wanted affection from and a connection with their entire lives, and go back to soubi. they care about other people now and both of them have started to experience empathy (though youji doesn’t seem to realize that it’s what he’s feeling) and have started to view their relationship through a light in which they’re beginning to realize that it’s wrong and inappropriate and living with soubi is much better.

soubi also cares about them, even if he has weird ways of showing it. as i said, he’s not the perfect parent or even a really good one and there’s a lot of ways he can improve, but he’s somewhat what they need and part of the reason they’ve become normal children. he actually seems to treat them mostly like an adult should–namely, he doesn’t emotionally treat them like a romantic partner and doesn’t dump everything on them to sort through. he also seems to enjoy taking care of them, as well as ritsuka, and does miss them a lot when they leave. he is happy that they’re back, even though he doesn’t show it immediately, and goes far enough to enroll them in school to get them to be normal kids.

in short, i think natsuo and youji could use some heavy therapy, but they’re actually the two most well-written characters in the series, which is a little impressive given that they’re background characters. they’ve evolved and changed more than any other character in the series, to the point where they’ve become very likable protagonists, a stark difference from how they were when they were first introduced. nagisa is the cause of their developmental issues, as well as them being almost completely isolated, and they’ve changed because of the fact that they’re no longer around her or being isolated.