#i KNOWWW it was like. life and death or whatever. i do not care. i would not make it 6000 years regardless
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i know i’ve said it before but we should really and truly be praising crowley’s overall self control. i would not have been so strong
#marzi speaks#WEEKLY MARS AZIRAPHALE THIRST POST INCOMING#but like !!!! fuck’s sake. 6000+ years knowing someone#someone who is kind to the point of rebellion. someone who is also clever enough to use that to his advantage#someone who doesn’t like breaking rules but likes listening to corrupt assholes even less#someone who runs a bookshop but doesn’t actually sell any books#someone who eats like he’s discovering it for the first time- every time#someone who snarks at you with a polite smile on their face#someone who understands you better than anyone else ever has. sometimes even better than you understand you#someone who dresses about a century behind the times and refuses to change for anyone or anything#LIKEEEE. sorry i would not last 6 months he made it 6 MILLENIA????#it’d be over for me so fast. if someone called me ‘dear boy’ i’d black out and by the time i came to my lips would be on theirs like…#how the fuck did crowley survive that long. howwwwww#i like to think i am very good at self control. the idea of maintaining that level of control for 6000 FUCJING YEARS is crazy to me.#that is a herculean task and crowley just fuckin. did it#even if you’re like ‘oh but the 60s!! the holy water and the ‘you go too fast for me’’ I WOULD NOT HAVE LASTED UNTIL THE 60S#and you probably wouldn’t have either#i KNOWWW it was like. life and death or whatever. i do not care. i would not make it 6000 years regardless
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any alfons headcanons? 🎤🎤🎤
I JUMPED ON THIS THE SECOND I GOT THE NOTIFICATION.
I'VE BEEN ENABLED TO RAMBLE YOU'RE ALL DOOMED
@silkkorchid god I want to feed Alfons Vietnamese dishes so much… I want to see how he'd react to khổ qua and sầu riêng 😭 would he be shocked? would he be revolted? mfs live in ENGLAND what is his spice tolerance? would he like mứt tết? PLEASE I NEED TO KNOWWW
sometimes Alfons is hungry after he gets home after his "friends". he would go to the kitchen in the middle of the night and whip up something, sometimes Victor is in there making his signature dish... they exchange a nod and maybe share some food together. according to Elbert's profile, Elbert has a habit of waking up early... maybe he'd go give Alfons some headpats 🥺🥺
Alfons isn't too picky when it comes to food. Remember, he has an iron stomach. But there are definitely foods he prefers over others. I think he'd prefer savory meats or eggs... I swear I'm not projecting here...
His food isn't too elaborate in appearance, but it tastes amazing.
He's probably tried teaching Elbert how to cook once. Elbert can make a fried egg.
Due to his iron stomach, occasionally Roger might try to make Alfons try out a serum or some sort of strange substance...
I actually feel like he doesn't like drinking alcohol that much. He'll indulge in it just for Elbert or a celebration, maybe, but most of the time he'll just have water or soup. He'd prefer to be sober, to have the most control over his life. Or maybe because it'd remind him of Roger... In some events he actually goes to bars, but it's more for his "friends" than for himself. I feel like he has a high alcohol tolerance.
Crown has servants, but perhaps sometimes Alfons would go down to the market for more personal items. Despite the money that Crown has, he has a habit of using his ability to lower the price. Or just flirting with them until he gets a discount.
I'm pretty sure this is canon but Alfons and Liam are "playmates" and more than Liam's plays 😭😭
Along with Liam, he loves seeing people do what they enjoy (fuck I need to stop comparing Alfons and William mentally) and will watch every second. He doesn't really judge.
You know how most of the Crown members have day jobs? Well... Alfons doesn't really have one. He's out all night and sleeps all day.
If Liam has a partner / best friend that has trouble defending themselves, he would have Alfons sit next to them during a play. Just for safety. Liam worries a bit too much.
Sometimes he goes to the sea with Elbert. Just standing next to him, enjoying the scenery. "Is this shell beautiful?" Maybe Alfons would end up carry some shells home. Modern-day Elbert would try to buy the whole fucking aquarium
There's barely anything in Alfons' room. Maybe a bed, some suspicious things in his drawer, and a recipe book, but that's about it. He's not usually in his room, anyway.
Modern-day, he would probably start a Twitter to make people argue, then kick back and watch as he gets canceled. He's gotten canceled, banned, and blacklisted on seventeen different sites. death threats don't faze him in the slightest.
Or maybe he's a dark comedian. He can say whatever he wants without consequence and no one cares.
He likes trying on different types of fabrics. The different sensations against the skin interest him so much.
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Rewatching “Gotham” S3E13
Cue all the “Face/Off” jokes for this arc. All of them.
The rest of these reaction posts I’ll be uploading are not chronological order. They’re like that because A) college and B) more college.
My sister watched it with me (as well as the other episodes left in my epic “Gotham” reaction series) so my comments will be in bold, and hers will be in regular font. Author’s notes courtesy of me will be bolded and italicized.
AN: I managed to record our reactions to this episode and hopefully I can transcribe what I said into this post.
*both immediately start fawning over Smol Bruce in the Netflix thumbnail*
“Previously on Gotham...” Some bullshit.
SOME BS!
“What you call sanity... it’s just a prison in your minds.” That is such an edgelord line, Oh my God!
*snaps fingers along with "Papa Oom Mow Mow” by Gary Glitter*
Why are they sampling “Elvira”?
AN: “Elvira” by the Oak Ridge Boys actually sampled this song. This version of the song is a cover and the original is by the Beach Boys.
“Three nines, and joker’s wild.” *rolls eyes*
*sarcastically* Geez, I wonder whose episode it is...
*laughs*
[Dwight appears] *in best Christian Bale Batman voice* Schmiff! Thomas Schmiff! He’s a paranoid schizophrenic from Arkham!
*starts mouthing along with song*
What just happened?
They had to get in.
Yeah, I know, but how did that guy suddenly switch over to their side?
He was working for them the whole time.
OK.
*Dwight starts maniacally laughing once he finds Jerome’s body* Oh damn... that’s a damn good laugh.
That is a really good laugh
*jams along with opening theme*
Does it open up with them stealing the body? That better be where it opens up.
Yeah, it’s when they steal the body.
*smiles*
*Jim and Harvey find the empty vessel covered with the symbol* Oh what the shit...
That's their little cult symbol. Which has been popping up since a few episodes after Jerome’s death in S2, and you see that everywhere and you go “Wait a minute!”
*smiles when Lucius appears*
Is he security for Arkham or what?
No, he’s R & E. Yeah, he still works for Wayne-
Ohhh OK...
-but he's like back up for Lee at the GCPD.
Oh OK.
And I’m like “Wait? You’re also an ME?” Everybody can be an ME in this show!
Everybody’s got like 15 different conflicts of interest on this show.
I know.
Nobody should be allowed to investigate anything.
*chuckles*
Where the hell are we?
That’s Wayne Manor.
I know that actor [who plays Cole] somewhere! I know that voice!
I don’t know that actor.
AN: He’s played by P.J. Marshall, who was in “Luke Cage” and was the cop that always got on Kit Darling in the first half or so of “American Horror Story: Freak Show”
Alfred looks like he’s ready to punch a bitch. *laughs*
He looks like he’s about to lay that guy the hell out.
I know.
And they established in the last episode that they [Bruce and Alfred] really like Selina and her mom coming back together.
Ohhh OK.
“Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I [Cole] would never hurt a woman.” *both give a dubious look*
“However, I [Cole] would feel justified in giving the police enough evidence so that your little girlfriend [Selina] could only talk to her mama every other Thursday through a screen for the next 40 years.” Go to hell, dude.
*whispers* He’s [Bruce] so much Batman!
“So, you [Bruce] give Maria the money, she gives it to me; I’m [Cole] out of your lives. Cash, obviously.” The only thing you’re owed, dude, is a bullet between the eyes.
Now see, look at this pose [of Bruce thinking in his chair]. Look at that pose. Oh my gosh, that’s a Michael Keaton pose!
That is!
Oh my gosh...
“He [the cult follower Jim and Harvey arrested] should have been taken to a hospital.” Oh yeah, and Jim and Lee are like *imitates two cats fighting each other while aggressively clashing hands together*
Why wasn’t he taken to a hospital?!?
“James Gordon. The James Gordon.... wow. It’s actually you.” You sure know how to pick ‘em, Dwight.
Y’know, these extras playing the cult members must be having the time of their lives. It’s like “Yeah! We get to wear crazy hair and outfits!“
Oh yeah. They’re gonna be like chewing the scenery within an inch of its life.
Oh yeah!
Look at that dude’s crazy eyes though!
I know! He could have played Renfield in “Dracula”
I know.
*Dwight sets up his workshop with another cult member* Looks like Rufio fell on hard times.
*Dwight strokes Jerome’s cheek* Don’t do thaaattt....
Ohhhh my God.... LIFE! LIFE, DO YOU HEAR ME?!? GIVE MY CREATION LIFE!
LIIIIIIFFFFEEEEEE!!!
*both laugh*
*Dwight laughs* Maniacal laugh... maniacal laugh...
GOD HE’S [Dwight] JUST HAVING SO MUCH FUN! *laughs*
You know they’re getting paid like really well.
Oh I’m sure!
“’Unsurprisingly, there have already been calls "for the mayor's resignation. "The clearly disturbed Mayor Cobblepot-’” ‘Clearly disturbed?’ HOW LONG did it take you to realize that?
“Mayor Crumblepot.” *stifles a laugh*
“Is Ed here?” *rolls eyes*
“Who cares what people think of the mayor? The city runs itself.” *chuckles*
You’re a dumbass!
“[Oswald] So get up, take a shower, do that disco vampire thing thing with your hair.” *both crack up*
“[Barbara] Why are you helping me?” Because you’re a walking garbage fire, Oswald, who needs all the help you can get.
*laughs* Yes!
Get your priorities in order, Oswald.
*claps hands* Duuuuuudde....
His [Bruce] voice is so deep and he’s such a smol bab!
I knowww! I don’t know how old David is when they filmed this. I think he’s like 16 or 17.
He’s a smol bab!
“Maybe they [the cult symbols] were here the whole time and we just didn’t notice..” That’s probably a safe bet.
I’m pretty sure that’s the No Man’s Land map that they’re [Lucius is] using.
Niicee...
“That amount-” “Would cause a power surge in the electric grid.” “...I [Harvey] was about to say that would cause a power surge in the electric grid...” *chuckles*
*chuckles* Sure you were, Harvey.
“I’ll just... stay here... if that’s OK.” Lucius, you’re amazing.
Feels like he’s the only person right now at the GCPD, besides Harvey, who has any common sense.
He’s great!
Because I’m starting to really question what kind of goblins are currently inhabiting James Gordon’s brain.
It’s Season 3, I’m sure there’s a lot.
“Try turning it on and off.” “I [Dwight] did! 3 times.” *both laugh*
He’s the IT guy.
*laughs* Have you tried turning it on and off again?
*pauses when Dwight electrocutes a guy for interrupting him*
Jesus God! Was that a cattle prod?!? What was that?!?
I don’t know. Cattle prods are long and skinny though.
The hell was that?!?
They’re kinda like a fly swatter.
*Dwight starts cutting off Jerome’s face* :[
Aauuuugghhh... nooooooooooo, we’re not doing this.
The production design and set for this [Dwight’s lab] is pretty cool, I gotta say.
Uh, somebody put that wire out before it sets fire to the whole place.
Oh please God!
“Holy smokes, is that Jerome?“ No, it’s Jeremiah. *laughs*
Yeah, and they took his face...
*in unison* Off!
*both laugh*
‘Cause they wanted to take his face...
*in unison* Off!
*both laugh*
I couldn’t not, I’m sorry!
“Brothers and sisters, I [Dwight] promised you Jerome would return...” *sing songs* And I brought you his faaaccee!!
But it’s...
*in unison* Off!
*both freaking lose it*
“The Prophet is here.” But it’s just his face!
[breathing unsteadily] *thumbs up* Great.
“We are all... Jerome.” Don’t think that’s gonna be good enough.
*The crowd takes to calling themselves Jerome* Oh, OK.
“You’re Jerome. And you...” *laughs* And you’re Jerome! And you’re Jerome! And you’re Jerome!
Oh, c’mon! They were going for the obvious “I am Spartacus.”
WE ARE JEROME! We are Jerome and so’s my wife!
OK, that actually worked better than I thought.
If he [Jerome] just gets straight off that [Lee’s] examination table, I am gonna flip shit!
:]
*points and yells excitedly when Jerome’s hand twitches*
“So, let’s find out who the traitor is, shall we?” Jesus God...
“Good bluff.” “Thank you, sir.” That was awesome!
*softly* I know...
And that was a bluff?!?
Yeah, there’s moments like that where it’s like “Man, Jim! You’re a badass!”
*chuckles*
*both chuckle when Barbara dramatically puts a hand to her chest*
“They don’t respect you, Oswald. In fact, you probably want to kill Tommy Bones and the Duke. Just clean house.” *chuckles*
*both start to giggle when Oswald does*
“[Barbara] Do you really think I [Oswald] would be so easy to manipulate?” YES!
YES!
YES!
YES YOU WERE!
YES!
You are not nearly as clever as you think you are, Oswald! You are the Cersei Lannister of Gotham City! You were down on the count for God knows how long.
For like an episode.
A lot happens in an episode!
True. In the span of like 5 minutes probably. I dunno, maybe like 10 or 15.
*shakes head*
“Your day is done, freak.” *raises eyebrows in surprise*
“Then Nygma dies.” “What?!?” “Walk away quiet. Maybe we’ll send him back in one piece. We’ll even let you [Oswald] keep being mayor.” *shakes head* Hey look, you are that easy to manipulate.
Can we like take a shot every time Penguin goes into rage spitting mode?
Yeaaahhhh!!
Oh my gosh. Take a shot!
See, Barbara just played you [Oswald] like a freaking fiddle, dude.
I’m sorry... the schadenfraude of it all.
*both end up discussing the correct pronunciation of ‘schadenfraude’
*mutters* Freaking Germans...
*laughs*
I’m German [descent], I can make fun of myself.
He’s [the mole] doing a Batman voice.
“No one ever stops being a cop. You [the mole] were here when Jerome and the Maniax attacked.” ‘Maniax?’ That’s what they’re calling themselves?
Well, Jerome and his little group [in the beginning of S2] were like *in best Jerome voice* “We’re the Maniax!” and whatever.
‘Maniax,’ with an X. Because edgy.
No one can spell!
*Jim decides to switch from good cop to bad cop on the mole* Oooh!
*Jim punches the mole across the face* Jesus God!
*both freeze in shock when Harvey takes over for punching*
OH MY GOD, Jim’s just like *puts hands on head* “Oh my God...”
I don’t think you’re allowed to do thaaat...
I mean, they bring it up in the show. There’s certain interrogation laws that you have to follow.
Yeah, manhandling a suspect is a no-no!
“Damn...” Damn instead.
She’s [Lee] like “Yeah, whatever.” STONE COLD!
“[Jim] Don’t touch me [Lee]!” *so done*
“Really? Did I [Lee] not just see Harvey punch him in the face?” *finger guns at screen in agreement*
“[Jim] You brought a wounded suspect into the precinct instead of taking him to the hospital, because you wanted to interrogate him.” *claps hands with each word* GO OFF, LEE!
Yes!
“Look, you [Lee] want to blame me [Jim] for Mario’s death, that’s fine.” *so done*
“But don’t let your hatred of me turn you into something you’re not.” And plus the funeral for Mario was a few days ago.
*claps hands with each word* It’s way too soon! It’s way too soon for her to be back at work!
I’m like “Lee, no!”
*sings* Take a break!
Like I said, all of her character development comes from people screwing her over.
I know!
“[Jim] Don’t ever touch me [Lee] again or tell me what to do.” You know, it’s your fault, Jim. This is entirely your fault.
Yeah. It is.
“We’ve got a show to do, people! And, as you know, the show must go on.” *starts singing “The Show Must Go On” from “Moulin Rouge”*
*Jerome surprises Lee from behind the door* Oh Jesus.
It’s allliiiiivveeee!!
“Hey, maybe you’re [Jerome] dreaming. Try shooting yourself.” Pfftt!
“Nah!” *both chuckle*
*mouths along with Jerome saying “Lunatics AND idiots?”*
“You know, I [Jerome] was just reborn. Last year was nothing but darkness... as far as the eye could see.” *softly* God, you’re so edgy.
“Hey, did you and I ever, uh...” *slightly disgusted, trying not to laugh*
*scoffs in hilarity* Did he just use the gun-
Yeah, yeah he did. *ends up giggling anyway*
Oh my God...
AN: And it was totally improvised at the moment by Cameron. Because OF COURSE HE DID.
AN: Hi, welcome to my blog, where we have to keep kinkshaming Cameron Monaghan.
*both make loud disgusted noises when Jerome tries licking Lee*
“How’s it going between you [Lee] and Jimbo?” It’s not.
“Oh that’s a shame. I really liked you guys.” *giggles into her sleeve*
Jerome shipped it.
*absolutely cracks up at Jerome’s reaction when Lee tells him about Jim killing Mario on her wedding night*
He’s like “Whhaat?!?”
Oh my God....
“I see your point.” *scoffs in hilarity*
“Theo Galavan’s dead.” *sighs* For how long?
“Ohhhhh.... who beat me to it?” “W-Which time?” *giggles*
Oh just wait until you get into the regular Batman canon. Death is gonna be about as permanent as a hiatus.
It always looked like it has rained in this city!
They should shoot in Seattle for now on.
Didn’t I tell you [Cole] to go to hell the last time, dude?
“Hey.... smile!” No.
No! Bullshit.
No.
“Selina! Please... don’t.” Yes. Do!
*cracks up when the cult members write down Dwight’s speech on giant note cards for him to use*
“The cult will never follow you, Dwight. I [Jim] saw you... at the theater? You don’t have what it takes!” Oh. Really?
“Well, for the record, you’re doing one thing Jerome never did: boring me.” *both lean back in shock*
Whoooooooooo hooo hoooooo!!
Daaammn! That was pretty great.
Ohhh my God!
See, James, when you’re not being a complete dumbass-
He’s amazing! He’s great!
“We’ve [Barbara and Tabitha] got Option A: appeal to their reason, convince them we alone can protect them from Penguin-” “Seems unlikely. They are men.” Pfft!
*both crack up when “Ave Maria” starts playing when Tabitha guns down all the other gang leaders*
“Yeah, yeah, Option B.” *chuckles*
*Dwight goes on air with Jerome’s face on* That’s creepy as shit!
That is really creepy, just the [gesture Dwight did when he corrected himself]
“Look at that. No charisma, no stage presence.” I dunno, he’s [Dwight] doing pretty well.
*laughs reading the news bulletin bars on the TV being changed to ‘HahAhaHAhaHA’*
Oh my God!
Jesus God, where are all those wires attached to?!?
I don’t know...
If he [Jim] shoots his [Dwight’s] ass on live television, that would be the most karmic thing...
*Jim and the Strike Force infiltrate the studio* Oh my God!
*Jim tackles Dwight to the ground* Boom! Hoo hoo!
That was a great quick panning shot.
Niiice...
*in dramatic voice* Meanwhile at W Manor...
*raises eyebrows in shock when Selina tries to goad Bruce into fighting her*
“You know, the only reason she [Maria] came back to Gotham, the only reason she tracked me [Selina] down... was you [Bruce].” Here’s my question: how did she know her daughter and Bruce were a thing?
Yeah, that doesn’t add up.
How did that happen? How did she figure that out?
*laughs at all the fans telling Dwight they love him*
This actor is having the time of his life.
Oh, he totally is.
“Where’s Dwight?” “I saw a uni walking him that way.” Ohhhh...
*Jim and Harvey find a dead cop* Ohhh what is that [sticking out of the dead cop’s chest]?!?
Oh my God!
What is that?!?!?
*both yell and reel back in horror when Jerome starts stapling his face back on*
And that’s a prosthetic.
Jesus God.
And he [Jerome] actually sounds different from the first time we saw him because Theo stabbed him in the neck [in S2] and it hit his vocal cords.
Yeeeppp...
“Say... you’re not mad, are you?” “Mad? What could I [Jerome] possibly be mad about?” “Y’know, the whole... cutting off your face...” Pfft!
“Oswald?” *leans back in surprise*
*Oswald loses contact with Ed* Ed’s probably like “Hell yeah!” and snaps the phone.
*chuckles*
“Kane Chemicals! Let’s go! Move!” You are walking right into a trap, Oswald.
“Hi. Some you you may know... I died.” *scoffs in hilarity*
“Tonight, Gotham, in the darkness... there are no rules.” You keep pulling out these edgelord lines! I know you can do better than that, dude.
“I [Jerome] don’t forgive you [Dwight] for my face.” *tries to stifle a laugh*
“We need a bird [chopper] to go now!” You guys aren’t gonna make it! You’re not gonna make it!
*pops hand toward screen when the power plant blows*
*All the power goes* Ohhhhhh schnap.
Oh shit!
*Closing title pops up* Ohhh hoo hoo....
*reels back in surprise* OK...
OK...
ONTO THE NEXT EPISODE!
#Gotham#FOX#the blogger reacts#looked at the stars and considered a reaction#Smile Like You Mean It#jerome valeska#dwight pollard#alfred pennyworth#selina kyle#bruce wayne#oswald copplepot#david mazouz#lucius fox#face/off#jim gordon#harvey bullock#lee tompkins#barbara kean#edward nygma#cameron monaghan
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Zombies
TW: gore, zombies(is that a trigger?), panic attack (kinda), shitty title
SUMMARY: whats the guidelines 4 dis lmao ima need to fix this later
ADDITIONAL NOTES: the ending is BAD
the title sucks fuck off i knoww
yo yo follow the people below (and me cough cough) bc.. Yeet
Beta- @callmekiddo-2 (thank for putting up with my constant grammar errors fam)
Artist- my bro,,, @owlpip (Art links gonna go here when i get them)
WC: 7.3k (really short i knowww)
The sound of rushing water filled the room and the steam from it rose into the air. Small bubbles occasionally flew from the sink, floating away gently, like a peaceful and soft dance. Dan’s hands were covered in suds and began to wrinkle because of the constant stream of hot water embracing them. Dan picked up the last plate and wiped it in a swift motion with his sponge, making a circle of soap that he quickly rinsed off. He set that final dish aside before washing off his own hands and turning the water off. He then grabbed the dish towel and set to work, drying off the dishes. He swabbed the clear droplets of now cold water from each dish, concentration etched onto his face. Once each dish was dried he rushed about the kitchen, putting them all away. He and his flatmate had only been living in that flat for a few weeks and he was still getting used to, well, everything. Due to this, he was sure he had put a few things away wrong. But hey, Phil had asked him to do the dishes, and he did. Kind of.
The padding of footsteps behind him made Dan jump, nearly dropping the rag in his hand. “Fucks sake, Phil,” Dan hissed, throwing his damp rag onto the counter behind him. He came very close to knocking over an unlit candle, “You nearly gave me a heart attack!”
“Whoops,” Phil replied, crossing his arms in the doorway, a smile painted on his face. Dan loved Phil, they were best friends, after all, but Phil was probably the least empathetic person when it came to scaring people. He couldn’t care less. Every once in awhile dan would like to hear a, “Oh, I’m sorry, are you okay?” instead.
“You’re an ass,” Dan muttered, turning back to his abandoned rag to put it away.
“Pfft, you know love me,” Phil said. (what should i do here looks kinda lame)
“I wouldn’t be so sure of that,” Dan responded, trying to not smile. Dan and Phil had been best friends for years, hell, they had pretty much grown up together. After being essentially joined at the hip for almost ten years, the boys were pretty much family. They even started going on family holidays together, calling each other’s mothers’ “Mum” the whole time just to spite the other. The two were as close to brothers as anyone could get without the matching birth certificates.
“Thanks for doing the dishes,” Phil said after a minute.
“No problem, but you’re sweeping tomorrow to repay your debt,” Dan countered.
“What? But it’s your turn,” Phil whined. Dan turned back to Phil and shrugged, the smile that had left Phil’s face set on his own.
“It was your turn to do the dishes,” he pointed out, smile widening.
“Fair enough,” Phil sighed, rolling his eyes a little. He didn’t really think it was fair as sweeping was much harder than washing a few plates, but he didn’t say anything. After all, Dan did have a point and it was Phil’s turn to do the dishes. Phil turned and began to walk away.
“You heading off to bed?” Dan called after him. Phil turned, smiling a little.
“What, you want a goodnight kiss?” Phil teased, laughing lightly at his own joke.
“I don’t, but about eighty percent of the internet would want me to,” Dan joked back, causing both to snicker. The shipping didn’t bother the two anymore. After years of thousands of people reading into their every move, it got kind of dull. Of course they made jokes about it, it came naturally after a while. It was apart of life for them, and everyone made jokes about their life. People made death jokes because it was a part of life, they made sex jokes because it was a part of life, and Dan and Phil made shipping jokes just like that because it was a part of their lives.
“See you in the morning, Danny,” Phil shouted over his shoulder as he walked to his bedroom. Phil never really called Dan by the nickname, unless he was in the teasing mood. Just as an older brother would tease the younger.
Dan looked to the clock to see that it read about midnight, which was the usual time for Phil to turn in for the night. As for Dan, he had a sort of reputation to uphold-stay up on the internet for a few more hours until the blinding light of his laptop screen made his eyes red. Sometimes Phil would join Dan and they’d sit on their couch and occasionally tap the other on the shoulder, pointing to their own screen when they found a post they thought would make the other smile. For whatever reason that made the whole experience way better for Dan. Maybe he liked Phil being there because they were best friends, maybe it was just the presence of another person being sat next to him, or perhaps a tangle of both. Dan wasn’t sure. Whatever it was, Dan enjoyed it very much.
Dan soon retreated into his bedroom as wasn’t comfortable with just standing in the kitchen alone. He unplugged his laptop, glad to see it at full battery, and sat down on his bed. In record time, Tumblr was pulled up and he was scrolling through impressive amounts of shitposts and the occasional problematic rant by some self-righteous teen. He only skimmed through the posts, reblogging the few that made him blow a bit more air out of his nose than usual. Years of being a “full time internet homo” had that effect on him, barely laughing, mostly just exhaling more intensely.
One post on his dash stood out to him. Usually he’d scroll through phanfiction, ignoring the ones that seemed badly written by some 12 year old girl in twenty minute. That seemed to be the majority. However, every once and awhile he’d find one so amusing or highly requested he had to read it. Hell, he even found a few really well written ones that almost could be published or poetry. Naturally, when Dan found something like that he just had to read it. In any case, fanfiction was just writing-sometimes bad or… inappropriate writing, but: writing. It was better than getting high or drunk, so Dan figured he might as well support it, even if there were a few bad and emotionally damaging seeds.
The room was almost pitch black. The only sources of light being Dan’s open Macbook and the light peeking in through Dan’s window with the drawn curtains, caused by the street lamps, head lights, stars and moon of the outside world. It made the whole situation seem way more scandalous than it really was. Of course Dan would clear his search history after reading, and of course he’d deny ever reading the fic, and of course he would die if Phil found out, but that didn’t make it scandalous. Okay, maybe it did, but that was only because Dan made it so scandalous, it could be totally innocent and Dan could be open with his dirty little secret. However, that seemed too easy. Dan didn’t get much excitement in his life, so why not act like the whole reading phanfiction thing was this whole secret that was done behind closed doors and drawn blinds in the dead of night? It wasn’t like he secretly got off to it or anything, it just- he was just curious. That was it.
Well Dan being just “curious” lasted all of five paragraphs into the story. Then, he started to enjoy it. He loved the word choice, the characters (even if he was one of main ones), and even the plot. The whole story was based off of the zombie apocalypse and what would happen. Now, since Dan was such a massive nerd, the story called to him. It was thousands of words long- double digit thousands. However, Dan didn’t mind it at all. In fact, that was another thing he liked about it. If he could ignore the fact that it was he and his best friend’s names’, he could actually picture it being a real young adult novel. The writing was excellent and the pace was just right, he could actually see the characters falling in love. Shamefully, he fell in love with the characters as well. He even caught himself wondering why his Phil wasn’t like the one in the fic. If that was his Phil, of course he could be in love with him, the way the shippers wanted. That hit really close for Dan. He loved Phil, of course he did, but as a brother. The Phil in the story, however, he was different. He was more empathetic without being suffocating, he was strong and still sweet. Dan could see the resemblance to his Phil- wait, what? Dan just ranted in his own head about how great this character was, how he could have a romantic relationship with him, and then compared him to his 100% platonic best friend. That had to be crossing a ton of friendship boundaries, even for he and Phil. They were friends. That was it. But maybe it didn’t have to be… No. That was how it was. Friendship, only friendship. Period.
Dan knew that phanfiction was doing weird things to his brain. He knew he should click out, unfollow the person who put it on his dash, delete his search history and never go back. He didn’t though, he should of, but he didn’t. God, how he should of.
Instead of doing what was right, Dan gave into the alluring temptation. That had to be some kind of a sin, right? Imagine Dan being damned to Hell because he didn’t click out of a phanfiction, that seemed to be a very Dan thing to do. Rather this was true or not, it didn’t prevent Dan from reading the fic, and enjoying it. His bloodshot eyes focused on the brightness of his laptop screen and the black words on it in front of him, the rest of the world a massive blur of grays and streaks of white light shining in. Dan continued to read until the whole world went dark around him and he slipped into the warm embrace of sleep.
Dan awoke in a bed that was not his own, a warm hand on his left arm shaking him. Not wanting to wake up just yet, Dan rolled over onto his right side, away from the hand. Doing so, he was met by a sharp pain in the arm he’d rolled over on, which was luckily his right and non dominant arm. He heard a familiar voice, but it seemed distant and echoey, almost like it was at the opposite end of a tunnel. A long, dark, warm tunnel… Dan found himself drifting back into unconsciousness but was pulled out of it by the calloused hand that was still gripping him whilst shaking. Dan decided because of the the sharp pain burning into his flesh and the constant shaking there was little to no chance of getting back to sleep. The pain confused him because it wasn’t the type of pain you got when you slept wrong, it felt as if it was more of a open wound that could quite possibly be infected. Not that it would even make sense to have a sleeping pain in his arm, as Dan both went to bed and woke up laying on his back. As well as the odd pain, the weight of Dan’s laptop was gone. Had Phil came into his room, found the laptop on Dan’s stomach, and put it away for him? Oh no, had Phil seen what was on the screen? Dan didn’t remember closing the tab.
“Dammit Dan! Don’t you quit on me now!” The voice suddenly came into focus, like a camera. Once fuzzy and blurry, then sharp and clear. He knew that voice, it seemed a little worn though, broken from yelling. It was Phil’s voice.
“M’up, I’m good,” Dan slurred, opening his unfocused eyes trying to sit up. Doing so, the pain intensified, burning so fiercely Dan fell back. “What the fuck?!” Dan shouted.
“You got stabbed, idiot, remember?” Phil said, setting a hand on Dan’s chest to keep him down. When the world came into focus around Dan, he saw that the Phil next to him was not Phil. Or at least it wasn’t his Phil. This Phil’s skin was far too tan, his face was smeared with dirt (or dry blood, but Dan hoped it was just dirt), and his hair was way too long, his roots showing way too much. Dan looked at his pained right arm, seeing a white rag knotted around his slightly larger and more muscular bicep that was stained crimson with what Dan knew was his blood.
“Stabbed? What?” Dan gasped, voice coming out breathy and strained. His breathing quickened and he tucked his hands into fists, ignoring the pain caused in his right arm, digging little crescent moons into his sweating palms. He tried to force himself upright but was held down by Phil’s hand, who was ridiculously strong, so much so it was discomforting.
“Dan, you need to calm down,” Phil sternly said. Dan threw his fists at Phil’s hand, which seemed to be crushing. He just wanted to be alone, wanted to wake up in his room to the sound of Phil- his Phil, waking up obnoxiously loud. He didn’t want to be in this strange place with this strange Phil like some strange phanfiction…wait a minute. Phil’s description, his actions, Dan being stabbed- this was just like that phanfiction he fell asleep reading. But that was impossible, and even the idea of it increased Dan’s panic. He opened his mouth to scream at the weird person who was kind of like Phil, yell at them to go away, bring him back to his home, to his Phil, but nothing came out. His tongue felt too big in his mouth and his saliva felt like thick, dry cotton. He just wanted to go home! He wanted to wake up in his bed, yell at his Phil for waking him up so early, catch his Phil eating his cereal- he wanted it to be a weird dream. How could it be a dream? Dan felt pain, that didn’t happen in dreams, did it? So it wasn’t a dream? Did it mean Dan could never go home?
“Daniel!” Phil’s hand pressed harder on Dan’s chest and somehow brought him back to reality, or whatever it was, kind of. “Breathe Dan, breathe.” Dan was heaving for breath, he tried to listen, tried to breathe, tried to do what Phil said, but it wasn’t working. Dan just wanted everything to stop, please just stop. After a few minutes of struggling for air Dan felt himself start to calm down, the shaking he wasn’t even aware of started to slow, breath came easier, until he was only crying, yet another thing he wasn’t aware he was doing. He wiped his now unclenched hands on his face, trying to rid it of tears. He felt stupid, like an idiot. He’d just cried, like a complete child.
“I’m good,” Dan breathed, relaxing his head on the pillow under it. He went to bring his hands over his face to cover it but was brutally reminded of his injury in the form of a sting.
Dan had never been one to believe in the supernatural or even religion. He believed facts. Yes, a zombie apocalypse was theoretically possible. It was also something religious, to a sense. No, zombies didn’t carry around bibles and sit in pews on Sundays, that just sounded stupid. However, there was three main things religions tended to have. A higher power, the beginning of time being created in a ‘big bang’ sort of sense, sudden and with no explanation besides before mentioned higher power, and, of course, “The End”, or, in other terms, “The Apocalypse”. In a way, it made sense. Logically, life itself had to have a start. Therefore, it also had to have an end. Who’s to say life doesn’t have to follow the same rules it creates, a beginning and and end, birth and death? However, that theory didn’t explain why Dan was magically sucked into some post apocalyptic universe birthed from the brain of one of his fans. That didn’t make any sense. Dan wished he could make it make sense. When things made sense you weren’t scared of them, you could convince yourself it wasn’t dangerous. Dan didn’t have that luxury.
“I think I need some fresh air,” Dan announced, moving to sit up. He, of course, was blocked by Phil’s hand. It was really starting to get annoying, being pinned down. He felt trapped, caged in like an animal, a beast with no humanity. He felt like Phil didn’t trust him, then again, why should he? Dan wasn’t the person this Phil knew, and deep down he thought Phil would know that. Maybe Dan should just play his part, calm this man a bit. After all, why should both of them feel lost? From reading the phanfic he knew how sickingly codependent this universe’s Dan and Phil were, who was he to rip that apart? After all, Dan knew everything the other Dan knew. They acted quite alike - this universe’s Dan and the real Dan. It made sense, after all, this Dan was based on the real one.
“Good luck finding any,” Phil snorted. Dan had almost forgotten he had spoke, so lost in his own thoughts, trapped in the prison of his mind. Phil lifted his hand off of Dan’s chest and instead used it to help Dan stand, which was a difficult task. Soon Dan was upright and he and Phil were heading to the rotted door decorated with metal locks and deep scratch marks, which were pale in contrast to the dark finish of the door. As they walked Dan noticed the many weapons and cobwebs littering the walls of the cabin, he appreciated them, though he had no idea how to use them. Phil grabbed a machete off the wall, very worn and coated in a brown substance that Dan knew was dried blood. Dan hoped he wouldn’t have to see Phil use it.
No part of Dan protested when Phil walked him out, or when held the door for him, or even when Phil rested his hand on Dan’s lower back. He wished he would have, wished he could have made himself. The truth was that Dan didn’t mind. His stomach didn’t drop, his skin didn’t burn or tingle. If anything, Dan felt safe. Warm. Content. Like what was happening was just… right. Was that insane? None of it was right, he wasn’t where he was supposed to be-not by a long run. He was supposed to be home, in bed, eyes bloodshot from his bright laptop screen. He wasn’t though, and that wasn’t right. It would be nice if it was, it’d be nice if his own kind of paradise wasn’t standing there consumed in the feeling of a man he didn’t know, a man that wasn’t real.
When the two exited the shack Dan woke up in they were engulfed by a forest. Shrubs, moss, and mushrooms littered the floor and above the canopy of the trees were so thick you could only catch a sliver of blue when you angled your head right. It wasn’t what Dan expected at all. He expected a city in ruins, bloody human like creatures digging into the corpses of children. The air, however, was just as he expected it. Thick, hot, smelling of rotting flesh, far from the musky, cool breezes a forest should carry. Dan suddenly remembered why everything was the way it was. In the phanfiction Dan and Phil decided to take shelter away from civilization because the cities… they were just as you’d picture. Gray, covered in a thick layer of crimson blood, only populated by zombies or sick bastards that couldn’t care less about you and only wanted your supplies. Evil place, the world had become.
“Zombies aren’t even the problem anymore,” Phil said, as if he was reading Dan’s thoughts. “Hell, they weren’t even the problem to begin with. People were. People created it and let it out. People… People started this mess…” Phil’s voice trailed off meaningfully. Dan understood what Phil meant, thinking back to the phanfiction. The writer had a bit of a prologue before they wrote the story. It described the beginning of the end, in a sense. It was like most starts to fictional zombie apocalypses, new drug that’s not tested enough creates a sickness. That drug was somehow leaked into the water supply and the world got sick, however, a few were immune. The drug was fought by a mutation in the genes of certain people. That gene was the blue eyes gene, which Dan did carry. Blue eyes was a recessive trait that didn’t show in Dan because of the brown eyes trait (a dominant gene) he also acquired. Phil too had this the blue eyes trait but his did show. However, those infected were given the instinct of spreading the pathogen. The only way they could do so when someone carried the blue eyes trait was via injection of contaminated DNA. Basically, if you carried the blue eye trait you were fine to drink, but it could still get the illness if you got bitten.
In Dan’s peripheral vision he spotted movement. He grabbed at Phil for reasons he couldn’t explain nor did he want to try and understand. Phil seemed unphased by this and just shook Dan off. “I think there’s one,” Dan tried to explain, pointing to where he thought he saw movement. Dan swore he saw concern paint Phil’s features for a split second before it was gone, but it was probably nothing. This version of Phil wasn’t the one Dan knew so well, it was a variation of him, but it wasn’t him. This Phil was made up by some teen girl on her laptop at four in the morning, and Dan couldn’t forget that. No matter how real this Phil seemed, he wasn’t.
Dan didn’t have much more time to fuss over his weird feelings for his friend’s character in some story he was somehow a part of (wow his situation was complicated) because they were joined by a freak of nature. The creature burst from the undergrowth, running towards them with a slight limp, arms outstretched and fingers like the talons of an eagle. The creature was just as you’d imagine a zombie; It’s pale skin was almost green but still carried the gray tint of death. It’s features were hollowed out, reminding Dan of one of those before pictures on an eating disorder recovery story. It’s clothes were torn and blood soaked. Gashes covered it, skin peeling away to show bloody and rotting flesh. Around its mouth there was the trace of its last meal, dried blood and chunks of flesh that didn’t seem to be its own. It’s eyes no longer held the glimmer of life and carried dark bags under them, far worse than the eye bags you got after a few nights of restless sleep. Everything about it was horrible and made Dan do a little sick in his mouth. A scream lodged itself in his throat but stayed there.
Phil stepped into action immediately and Dan wished he could say he didn’t find it ridiculously hot. The way he pushed Dan behind him and raised his machete up made Dan audibly gasp. If he hadn’t been so terrified out of his wits he’d consider it a turn on, which was concerning because this was Phil, Dan’s no homo best friend and roommate. Well, maybe it wasn’t Phil Phil, but still. The zombie ran faster and just when Dan was certain they were dead and Phil had no idea what he was doing, Phil surprised him. He stepped forward (towards the terrifying monster, Dan might add) with his left foot, and used all his strength and sung as he stepped, slicing the zombies head off. The body collapsed and the decapitated head rolled away. Dan was certain he was going to actually vomit.
“You’re bloody insane,” Dan breathed, staring at the open eyes and mouth of the head on the ground a few feet away from him. He felt like it was looking into his soul, and it was terrifying.
“You’re welcome, for you know, saving your life,” Phil said, turning to Dan and glaring at him.
“You’re an arse,” Dan spat, angry at Phil and not really knowing why. He had a point, without him Dan would be zombie food. He should be grateful, so why was he angry?
“Excuse me?” Phil’s eyebrows furthered and it seemed like venom laced his words. “You know what? I don’t even care!” Phil let out a dry and humorless laugh. “You know what the funny thing is? For a minute there, I thought you gave a half of shit about me, looks like I thought wrong, you don’t care about anyone. Not even yourself.” Phil growled, pushing his way past Dans and making his way to the shack.
Dan remembered why this was happening. Why he was angry, why Phil seemed like someone shoved a stick in his butt. In the fic, Dan threw himself in danger, went off without Dan and ended up getting hurt, Phil ended up saving him from getting eaten/infected, but still, a few heated words were shared. Before this, they had a bit of a, well, they slept together. Dan knew from the fic that Phil was felt that made the two more than friends, but the fic Dan didn’t think so. The fic Dan didn’t mean to hurt fic Phil he just didn’t think one night changed anything whereas fic Phil thought it meant everything. The whole thing was a mess and Dan was stuck in the middle of it, it was like if The Walking Dead was a gay soap opera. Shaun of the Dead meets General Hospital meets… gay. As for Dan, “not caring about himself” was probablybecause of when Dan got hurt, he wasn’t careful and overall it was like he didn’t care anymore.
Dan was lost in an ocean of thoughts and of course he was so deep that there were sharks. His senses failed him, he didn’t hear the shuffling of footsteps, couldn’t see what was coming as it was behind him, nor did he smell the putrid stench of rotten flesh and despair nearing him. No, all those senses failed him. However, one did not. The final sense, the one that paints a soft blanket or your lover’s hand, was the one that told him. The boney hand lacking any fat and only covered with a thin layer of peeling skin was what told Dan that he wasn’t alone. It pulled Dan back with remarkable strength for a creature with deteriorating muscles. Maybe a scream found its way through Dan’s mouth, maybe it didn’t. Perhaps it stayed lodged in Dan through, glued there by pure terror. Either way, Dan was pulled back and somehow managed to get himself turned around so he was face to face with husking skin and yellow, sharp teeth. It’s breath smelt of rotting teeth and metallic blood. Dan’s whole body was shaking and he could feel death nearing. He imagined a grim reaper lurking in the bushes near by, scythe in hand and dark cloak on its back.
The world was in slow motion, Dan felt every millisecond pass and felt like he could write an entire novel of each passing moment. Dan watched as its yellow teeth neared him, felt his heart beating out of his chest and shut his eyes tight, waiting for death. Dan wondered if this was the way out of the nightmare he had someone gotten himself in. He had heard of death being the one sure fire way out of any dream, maybe it was the same kind of thing. Maybe he would finally wake up in his own bed. Maybe he would finally be able to go hug his own Phil. Dan doubted he would sleep alone in his bed for weeks after this whole ideal, he’d just sleep with Phil. They used to do that all the time, it was just comforting. Dan was sure Phil wouldn’t mind, why would he? He always enjoyed it just as much as Dan did.
There was a swoosh sound in Dan’s ear and then he felt chunks of something splatter all over him. The grip that once help extra tight on his already hurt arm weakened and then slid off. A violent shudder ran through Dan’s body. He opened his eyes and felt tears run down his cheeks. Phil stood behind the limp body of the zombie that had previously been three seconds away from killing Dan. It didn’t even matter that it wasn’t Dan’s Phil, the real Phil. It didn’t even matter that this whole thing was probably some kind of odd hallucination. None of that mattered, because his eyes were Phil’s eyes and if Dan focused hard enough he could pretend this man in front of him was the same Phil he watched from behind a computer screen as a teenager, the one that ended up being his first and only best friend. So, Dan wrapped his arms tight around Phil’s neck and he cried, but he only cried harder when Phil didn’t smell the same as he should have and when he felt way too broad to be his Phil. Still, Phil dropped his weapon and held Dan close and at least that was comforting. This Phil still wrapped his arms tight around Dan’s waist and let him cry on him. Even if this wasn’t the real Phil, he still shushed Dan and rubbed his lower back and didn’t care that Dan was getting tears and snot all over his shoulder.
“I hate this place,” Dan sobbed, and he didn’t care that Phil wouldn’t know the truth behind his words. He didn’t care. He just wanted to be held and told ‘I know, I know,’ even if it wasn’t true. Even if it was all a lie, it was the only lie Dan would let himself believe, just for now, just until he felt a little better. They were both covered in dirt and blood, but that was okay. It was okay that Dan’s wound opened back up, it was okay that he almost died twice within an hour, it was okay that this Phil was in love with not this Dan but a different one, that was all okay.
“Let’s go inside, yeah?” Phil suggested, slowing the circles that he was rubbing on Dan’s back. Dan nodded into Phil’s shoulder and let Phil pull away and guide Dan inside. Phil sat Dan down on the bed. “I’ve gotta go get my machete, okay? I’ll be right back,” Dan nodded even though Phil was no longer looking at him and was already halfway out the door.
Dan’s heart felt sad. It was like a huge cloud of sad decided to park above his rib cage and just sit there. It was like the days when Dan would just wake up sad. Dan wasn’t depressed or anything, sometimes he just had sad days, and that’s okay. However those days he didn’t have any reason to be sad, but today he had all the reasons to be sad. He missed Phil, his Phil. He wanted to hug him, not this store brand version of him.
“Do you need another hug?” Phil asked, frowning above Dan. Dan didn’t even realize he was back.
“Yes, I need a thousand hugs,” Dan breathed. Phil smiled sadly and sat next to Dan, wrapping an arm around his waist. A few minutes passed before Phil spoke.
“You don’t feel the same way about me as I feel about you, and that’s okay,” Phil paused for a minute and moved Dan over a bit so he had more room to sit. “However, I don’t want you to lie and say you do, I can’t handle that. I’m in love with you, and you’re not in love with me, that’s okay, but please don’t lie to m-”
Dan didn’t know why he did it. But he did it. He cut Phil off by sitting on his lap and forcing their mouths together. He didn’t let Phil pull away or object; when he felt like Phil would try and stop him he kissed harder. He did that until Phil set his hands on Dan’s sides and kissed him back. The kiss tasted dirty and wrong and it made Dan’s heart sad even more, but he still did it. Even after they pulled away and caught their breath, Dan’s heart was sad. So, he kissed Phil again. He knew it was wrong and he was just using Phil, but he didn’t stop. He could tell Phil wanted him, he could tell he loved him, and that felt nice. Dan liked to be wanted and loved. He let Phil’s hands learn their way around his body and he forced his brain and heart away and just acted. He traced his hands all over Phil. He let Phil take off his clothes and he took Phil’s off as well, and he let the thing that started the first argument happen again. He let Phil think Dan felt the same way for him, but one dark truth lurked. This Phil was in love with his Dan and Dan was in love with his Phil. Dan didn’t want to believe it but he knew it was true. He wanted this, but not with this Phil.
The only way Dan could cope with his new realization was to block it out. He let fic Phil have whatever part of Dan he wanted and Dan pretended he loved this man. Because the two Phil’s were completely different people, it only got hard when fic Phil did something that reminded Dan of his Phil. That’s when Dan’s heart would get sad again. Dan would block that out too though, and soon Dan hated himself. He hated how naturally deceiving Phil came to him. He hated how no matter how hard he tried he couldn’t bring himself to look fic Phil in the eye because those eyes reminded him of the real Phil. Slowly self hatred and destruction became a habit. Even though the world was full of actual zombies plagued with a cell destroying disease, Dan still felt that the sick monster was himself. Fic Phil still took care of Dan and saved his life almost daily but sometimes Dan wished he wouldn’t. Maybe if Phil was a little late one time then Dan wouldn’t have to be the one to break his heart, it would just be cruel Mother Nature and another case of star crossed lovers.
Well naturally the one wish that did come true during that whole ordeal was the one involving Dan’s own death. Of course. It wouldn’t of made sense for it to be Dan wanting to wake up or not having one useless arm that always hurt and the second he moved it would begin squirting blood, no, that was just too nice of whatever cruel higher power put Dan in that mess. That angsty God just wanted more drama.
It happened when Dan left the wood rotted shack for a little time away from the mess he’d weaved himself in with Phil. Phil ran up and gave Dan a kiss on the forehead before he left and Dan felt he was going to be sick. Still, he smiled at the gesture and gave Phil a peck on the lips and a muttered “I love you”, still holding back his sick. He’d never really been one for mega sappy relationships and it didn’t make it easier that this whole relationship was lacking any love from his part. He wish he meant the “I love you”, but he felt nothing as he said it, only longing for someone who had aspects of this man but who wasn’t him. Dan quickly got out of that hell house of a shack and walked a bit deeper into the forest than he should have. He stood on the ledge that overlooked a gray city and a lake that looked to be covered in a thick layer of dust. He watched creatures that weren’t quite human limp about and tear apart corpses of what might of been a person that might of had a family. Then again, maybe they were the last one of the family and they wished death upon themselves like Dan did. Even if life beyond this wasn’t life at all, even if he didn’t wake up in his own world with his own Phil, maybe that was okay, at least then he wouldn’t have to lie to anyone. No matter what happened after this, Dan never wanted to lie again. Lying was too much for Dan to handle and it was tearing him apart.
Dan had a bit of Déjà vu when he felt the boney hand grab him, digging into his upper arm. He felt it began to bleed but he did nothing, not even scream. Then it dug into his other arm, the healthy one. That one started to bleed too. He felt crimson liquid drip down his body but he did nothing but shut his eyes and wait for the teeth. They snuck into the part between his neck and shoulders, they ripped through tendons and ligaments. They crunched nerves and punctured veins. Then they were ripped from him and took the chunk of flesh with them. The hands digging into his arms also pulled out of him. He heard familiar slicing and he felt his knees give out, he opened his eyes when he felt arms around him. He swore he was going to be sick. It was Phil, and as always, he saved him. Well, not really. Dan looked at him with glassy eyes and smiled sadly. He felt his resolve fading and he slipped into insanity and sickness.
“Do it,” he croaked. Tears covered Phil’s cheeks and it made Dan ache. Even if he didn’t love this Phil, his eyes were still the same three-colored ones of his flat mate and best friend, and those eyes should never cry. Dan wanted to dry his tears but he couldn’t move his arms, they were in too much pain.
“I can’t,” Phil managed, voice breaking. “I just can’t do it.”
“Please, Phil, it hurts,” Dan said, voice dripping with pain. It was like the worst flu ever mixed with open wounds and bleeding out. Phil nodded once and returned Dan’s sad smile. He got his machete and laid Dan down comfortably on a soft patch of grass.
“I love you,” Phil told Dan as he raised his weapon. He was determined to do it quickly and in one even swipe, that would make Dan suffer less, and that’s all he wanted at this point.
“I love you too,” Dan lied. Or maybe he didn’t. Of course he was grateful for this man, he had saved Dan’s life a few times, but did that equal love? Probably not. Still, Dan wanted the last words Phil heard from him to be that he loved him, even if it was a lie. He needed that, so he would give it to him.
Phil raised his machete and one minute Dan felt all his pain, then for a split second he felt incredibly sharp pain in his neck, and then he felt nothing. For a moment there was black, nothingness, but then Dan was opening his eyes in his room, in London. He felt the familiar weight of his laptop on his lap and he didn’t feel any pain. Dan sighed in relief. He got up to go find Phil, needing him right that moment.
The smell of coffee and the clinking of dishes lead Dan to believe Phil was in the kitchen. As he walked into said kitchen he was aware that his suspicions were indeed correct. Phil stood next the a counter in his pjs, stirring a cup of coffee.
“Good morning, Danny Boy,” Phil said when he saw Dan walk in. He took a minute to go back to making his coffee but then he continued the one-sided conversation. “I read last night that more people are killed by donkeys than plane crashes, isn’t that cool?”
Dan was so happy that Phil said it. It meant it was the real Phil, the Phil that he met in Manchester on the train station so long ago. This was Phil. His Phil. Dan had so many emotions that he didn’t know what to do with them, so he cried. He just burst into sobs right there, a few feet from Phil.
“Dan are you okay? Did a family member of yours get killed by a donkey? Did I just bring back traumatic repressed memories from your childhood?” Phil rambled, and Dan just cried harder. “Can I do anything to make it better?”
Dan nodded once. “Hugs, please,” he requested. Phil nodded and abandoned his coffee to wrap Dan up in his arms. Dan cried harder, happy tears, because this was the Phil he knew. He smelled like coffee, liquorice, and apples. He smelt like Phil. His arms wrapped tightly around Dan’s back and made him feel safe. He felt like he could say anything and it would be perfectly okay, so he said the one thing on his mind. “I love you,”
Phil didn’t say anything back for a long few seconds. It stretched out like an eternity, but he didn’t lessen his grip on Dan and Dan was beyond grateful for that. Only sound in the room was their breathing and Dan was nervous about how heavy his was compared to Phil’s, who kept his composure too well for Dan’s liking. Dan expected Phil to reject him or something. Phil didn’t say anything. It seemed like eons of waiting for something-anything. Finally, Phil responded.
“I love you too,” and Dan’s heart stop and he started over analyzing. Of course Phil loved him, as a friend. Friends say ‘I love you’, right? Was it just he and Phil that never said it? Or maybe they did, Dan’s mind was too fuzzy to recall. Well, there’s really only one way to find out how Phil meant it. Dan somehow managed to loosen Phil’s grip on him enough to push their mouths together. Phil didn’t retaliate for a few seconds and Dan thought he was going to die of embarrassment and waited for Phil to again, do something.
Phil did do something. Dan felt the pressure being returned and he actually thought he was literally going to die. He didn’t though and when they had to pull away to breathe Phil hugged him tighter and Dan was glad that Phil’s breathing was just as heavy as his. As happy as he was, Dan was still kind of worried for the Phil in the phanfiction. What happened to him? When Phil finally let Dan go and Dan looked into his eyes Dan felt guilty again.
“I’ll be right back,” Dan breathed, as if he was scared that if he was too loud what just happened with he and Phil would shatter. Phil didn’t say anything but looked concerned.
Dan hurried back to his room and quickly read the end of the fic and almost threw his laptop across the room. The last line was:
“After Dan and Phil shared their kiss Dan rushed back to see the ending of the story he was trapped in, wanting to know the ending.”
And then it ended. Just like that, an open ending. Everyone hates those and yet authors keep writing them. Over and over again.
The end.
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SLBP Questions!
Tagged by @a-night-on-polaris this is gonna be long XD and very good questions! 1- Name one (just one) thing that you can’t resist from each lord. Nobunaga - his smile idk why but that way he smiles to show his kindness even behind harsh words really gets me Mitsuhide - understanding nature (I too am a mother hen XD) Saizo - his sarcasm/dry wit Yukimura - his purity Masamune - his love idk if that makes sense like he is so absolutely precious and devoted and caring like it's so beautiful and amazing Kojuro - passion, he loves his country and his lord and he is 110% A++ husband material like you can be my baby daddy and I will call you daddy Hideyoshi - he is always trying to make others happy Inuchiyo - when he blushes I die it's so cute omfg save me I love puppies Ieyasu - I don't know him that well :/ Mitsunari - intellect Shingen - when he purrs *is ded* Kenshin - his prose (slay me with beautiful words pretty boy)
2- Make your perfect ‘FrankenLord’ picking things from everywhere on slbp (if you like you can use npc things too) I am going to make some things up based on my personal hc's XD Nobunaga - abs (wrestlers abs ladies are a gift from above) Mitsuhide - laugh (based on his sprite it's definitely a dorky one) Saizo - skills *^* he wrote the book yall Yukimura - eyes Masamune - sweetness Kojuro - legs idk I just feel this way fite me irl Jk XD but seriously Hideyoshi - hands idk I just feel like he has hidden skills he's too smooth not too Inuchiyo - shoulders and arms he's got the biggest spear around and that takes some serious biceps and triceps to maneuver ;) I am a huge sucker for biceps irl like they are hug pillows and I just want to nom.....wut....DON'T JUDGE ME Ieyasu - his hair (from what I've read and heard it's magically fluffy) Mitsunari - Booty (he got dat manju butt) Shingen - his not-so-little lord (Yukimura even finds it something to aspire to and it's a big one) and his hips I will worship those abs and waist and I know he has a sexy voice his VA isn't exactly my type but he purrs yall I am shook in my head it's heaven Kenshin - grace just the way he carries himself and speaks makes me swoon Shigezane - smile lol this man's smile can clear any cloud formation Nagamasa - face omg cut me with those cheek bones gorgeous
3- Tell me which is your sweetest memory from slbp *SPOILER* When Shingen and MC make love after they're reunited in the divine ending Oh my sweet baby jesus I cried my eyes out for like 3 hours after I marathoned his last chapter and epilogue dear God the feels
4- Choose one (yes, just one) ‘fandom friend’ and match her to a lord who isn’t her favorite. Explain your decision I think this means like someone from tumblr? Sooooo I'm going to match Meowle with Kojuro! I know she loves Masa but they have that in common! XD I feel like he is debonair and mature and smart and full of sin just like Meowle is (have you read her fanfics yall...gold I tell you, gold) but as much as they can be naughty they are very smart and excellent writers ^^ I just like this pairing XD plus can you imagine Meowle putting Daddy Kojuro in some lace neglige and just perfection
5- Did you take anything from Slbp in your daily life? (tattoos, nailart, pictures in your room, the name of your childrens/pets, whatever) I have stuffed tiger named Harunobu, I'm working on making plushies of the lords, I have a closed species OC that's taiyaki themed I named Shiki (Shigezane and Ichthys love taiyaki) ;)
6- If the magistrate were the only man on earth but you could put on him ONE thing from your fav lord… Would you take him? (you cant say: ‘his whole body’ or ‘his entire personality’) This is just cruel :/ idk maybe Mitsuhide's practicality? Then at least he would be able to figure out wtf to do about the end of humanity? Kenshin's silver tongue? So he wouldn't sound so vile and I could blind myself to take care of the rest XD this would never really work for me bc of the prologue. One of my triggers is abuse and noncon like legit noncon (flirtation or confusion which then is mitigated does not apply) I'm talking the whole marry me or I'll send your brother to his death and burn down your family business and make you and your mother homeless thing I would not get over that....if that's all that's left of the human race we're doomed anyway....also (as a scientist) one male cannot repopulate a species....so I'd rather spend time with Oishi in a sexual way than that slime (low key high key gay for Oichi which is why I call her Oishi which means delicious in Japanese) *the more you knowww*
7- In reverse now. If you wake up one morning and discover that your Lord suddenly has the face of the magistrate but everything else is the same (his body, his hair, his attitude, his personality, everything the same, less his face). What would you do? I would (in modern times) take him to a plastic surgeon to help him. If that's cheating I would still love him anyway, it would just take time to adjust XD
8- Summarize your fav Lord in 5 words. Shingen - Passionate Loving Honorable Mature Strong
9- If you could give your Lord a son/daughter, how would you name your baby? Well...in an event story Shingen names a baby Makoto so there's that, I haven't finished his noble ending so don't tell me! XD but if I had a child with Shingen if it was a boy I would pick either Takashi or Masaru. For a girl either Tsubaki or Hikari. ^^ I like names with powerful meanings.
10- How do you imagine your MC for your Lord?
Soo I'm a self shipper XD Also, Shingen is my favorite BECAUSE of how well I feel I fit with him. Like in some cases I don't agree with any options for MC, but in Shingen's main story I was finding most of what I thought I would want to do was a choice, and that Shingen liked my choices too XD Also his story had just the right mix of emotions for my taste and just yes XD. So my MC for my lord Shingen is me! Salty, strong, understanding, independent, and self sacrificing 11- If you play another game (otome or not), which character would you include on Slbp? (ex. 'X’ from 'gameXX’ would be the lost brother of Shingen and blah blah blah) Ok so this is kinda weird but follow me...so there's a KBTBB substory in the Edo period, I would love to see the bidders from that substory in a crossover story with SLBP XD specifically Edo!Eisuke meeting the lords! Oh goodness he and Nobunaga would either be best friends or quite possibly best frenemies XD I have asked the 11 questions of others before so I have a different idea! One question with a lot of points XD My favorite hc to think about is what songs characters would strip to! ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) So for all the lords and as many npc's you can think of: what song would they strip to? Bonus points for characters from other voltage apps XD You don't have to answer if you don't want to, and if you aren't tagged but want to answer please do!!! XD @bloody-geisha @viridian99 @guacameowle @lou-the-mudkip @thexgoddessxofxfate @singokumaiden @suzunesays @cottonballwithmustache @daeva-agas @chaedaye @danielleslauter @a-night-on-polaris
#this was really long#I will probably answer my own question later#i am full of sin#slbp#samurai love ballad party#i am trash#slbp masamune#slbp toshiie#slbp yukimura#slbp saizo#slbp shingen#slbp mitsunari#slbp mitsuhide#slbp inuchiyo#slbp ieyasu#slbp shigezane#slbp kenshin#slbp kojuro#slbp nobunaga#slbp hideyoshi#kbtbb eisuke#kbtbb#kissed by the baddest bidder#eisuke ichinomiya#i love you to the moon and back
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518.
5000 Question Survey Pt. 28
2601. Do you think cell phones cause cancer?
apparently everything causes cancer these days. i don’t know anyone personally who doesn’t have a cell phone, would that mean the chances of getting cancer at at its highest?
Are cell phone users more likely to get into car accidents?
while using the phone while driving, yes.
Do cell phones really interfere with a plane's navigation equipment?
apparently so.
Are cell phones immune from computer viruses?
i don’t think so?
Can using a cell phone at a gas station spark a fire?
apparently. geez, five questions within one question. cool.
2602. What makes a guy see a chick as less of a cute little girl and more of a woman?
i guess if they look older?
2603. What is it about football that makes people want to watch it?
the passion, the atmosphere and the game itself? i hate football though lmao.
2604. What is the best show on tv?
tbh i think it’s the office.
2605. Are you more of a tape dispenser or a stereo speaker and why?
i’m... not sure.
2606. What do you think is overrated?
instagram models and most youtubers.
What is underrated?
people out there trying to make a difference in the world.
2607. Can spiders ump?
huh?
Did you interpret that as 'jump' or 'hump or 'bump' or other?
jump.
2608. What's the matter with adults today?
we’re too reliant on technology.
2609. Have you ever worked 'off the books'?
no...?
2610. Have you ever worked 9-5?
i have before.
If not do you think you ever will?
i don’t right now, but i’d love to have a normal working schedule like that. i hate working nights.
2611. Do men or woman make better bosses?
it honestly just depends on the person.
2612. Do you believe that people should more up through a company or that the higher up positions should be filled by people hired from outseide the company?
i think people should be offered to move up in their company since they’re more likely experienced with the ‘smaller’ things.
2613. Why is it that no one seems to care about their job?
it’s just a grind, need to work to live, right?
2614. When I go into a store, why doesn't anyone know anything about what they are selling?
that just means their training wasn’t in depth enough.
2615. Have you ever seen those people that get that blank, lost expression when they go into a store and kinda shuffle along like zombies?
not really?
Do you wonder how they got up, dressed themselves, and made it to the store in the first place?
...
2616. When did you/will you graduate college?
i graduated in 2013.
2617. When will Eminem stop whining about his bad childhood and move on??
i haven’t heard him whine about that in a long time.
2618. I am drug free. Are you drug free?
yes.
2619. I have piercings and am getting tattoos. Do you have either?
i have my ears and nose pierced. no desire to get tatts.
2620. Can you REALLY say that your way is the right way?
sometimes.
Maybe there is a different way for everyone?
sure.
2621. What do you think of the song 'Imagine'?
it’s soothing and thought provoking.
2622. Can you think of any reason i might have written this, other than I am bored with too much time on my hands?
no idea.
2623. What is the purpose of art?
i guess to get our visual senses running.
How about movies?
Music?
2624. Do you think that anything has lost its value because it's become too 'commercial'? What?
instagram. before it was just a way to share photos but now it’s a popularity contest.
2625. Have you ever been promoted?
no actually lol.
fired?
not really, more like ‘let go’. they didn’t need me anymore coz their business was failing.
2626. What do you call your private area? Does it have a nickname?
vag. and no.
2627. What parts of your body are shaved?
armpits, legs and down there.
2628. What is a peachclam?
female genitals?
2629. What is the american dream?
being successful in america.
Is it the same as your dream?
no, i don’t like there.
2630. Do you need to be right all the time?
no.
2631. There was a sculpture that was supposed to be displayed for a week in the Rockafeller Center in NYC of a falling woman - designed as a memorial to those who jumped or fell to their death from the World Trade Center. It was complained about as grotesque, innopropriate and describe as 'not art'
What do you think?
9/11 is still a very sensitive topic, i believe it could be considered art but the negative way it’ll make people feel overpowers its artistic message.
It was taken down early because it was seen as 'offensive'. What do you think about that?
that totally fair enough.
The artist, Fischl, said in a statement. ``It was a sincere expression of deepest sympathy for the vulnerability of the human condition. Both specifically towards the victims of Sept. 11 and towards humanity in general.''
Are people just too sensitive? Or maybe people are NOT sensitive ENOUGH to the idea that others may have different views from them (or from the majority)?
i can see it from both ways.
She these different, opposing or offensive views be allowed to be expressed freely and openly? Why or why not?
i think it’s best if it were in an art gallery instead. more like-minded people would visit it and appreciate it how the artist wanted it to be portrated.
2632. What letter's sound do you like the best?
i’ve... never thought about that.
2633. What is one movie charater you identify with and why?
none really.
2634. Do you act the same when you are alone as you do when people are watching?
not really.
2635. Why is everyone so obssessed with superheros?
i don’t knowww.
2636. What cliches do you hear over-used the most?
meh.
2637. Do you handle inconvieniences well?
not really. i’ll most likely complain.
2638. Are you a fan of Jackie Chan?
yeah, he’s funny, talented, charming and does his own stunts lol.
2639. Is a promise a big deal?
to me, yes. i don’t take them lightly.
2640. What is your place in the universe?
right here.
2641. Once some scientists dug up a woolly mamoth, frozen in ice. It was still completely whole, not rotted or fosilized. The scientists decided to have a dinner party. It was a very posh affair. they served roast woolly mamoth steaks, the rarest meat in all the world. So, if you were invited, would you have eaten it?
no.
2642. What are 3 things you DON'T want to know?
when im gna die, any ‘truths’ in my family that would make me think differently of them and sob stories in general.
2643. It seems to me that a lot of people don't value their lives, or life in general very highly. Why do you suppose that is?
it’s just the way the world works i guess. not everyone wants to eat healthy, work out, strive to be the best person they can be etc.
Are you like that?
sometimes.
2644. Do you celebrate the harvest moon?
no.
2645. Do you believe in out of body experiances?
possibly.
2646. Why does so much depend
upon a red wheel barrel
glazed with rain water
beside the white chickens?
ok.
2647. Why do so many people get jobs that they dislike?
because it’s all about earning money.
2648. Do you think that in THIS world, being creative is a handicap?
no?
Why or why not?
being creative is a blessing and a way to express yourself.
2649. Do you ever get chills or shivers during movies? What movies?
not really.
2650. Do you believe in the collective unconsiouss(that people are like onions..the outer layers are individualistic and the deeper you go the more similar we all are)?
lol haven’t thought about it that deeply.
2651. Do you think that most people have the qualities you look for in friends/intimate relationships or do you feel alienated?
the people i surround myself with are enough. i’m not really looking for new friends.
2652. Are you very critical:
of others? yes.
of yourself? yes.
2653. Is there such a thing as expecting too much?
definitely.
2654. Would you rather take an hour lunch break or skip lunch and get out of work early?
ski[ lunch and get off work early, always.
2655. Do you believe that happiness is equal to
fakeness?
shallowness?
joy?
something good that happens?
an attitude you have inside no matter what happens? idk.
2656. Can you control your emotions?
for the most part, yes.
have you ever tried?
yes.
2657. Imagine you are 34 weeks pregnant. You are healthy and you didn't have any major problems in your pregnancy.
Would you consider flying from the UK to Germany, which takes one hour, without a bad feeling that something could go wrong or the baby decides to come out earlier?
there would have to be a really good reason that i’m flying in the first place. i usually wouldn’t risk it.
2658. How long do you think it would take you to jog a mile?
forever. i’m really unfit.
2659. Word assciation:
twilight: wolf.
garden: gnome.
warm: sun.
stars: sky.
crash: bandicoot.
mold: bathrooms.
gold: leaf.
green: leaf.
lush: garden.
2660. Picture a triangle:
Quick! What color is it?
orange.
Picture a square.
Quick! What color is it?
blue.
Picture a circle.
Quick! What color is it?
yellow.
Why do you think you saw these shapes as these colors?
idk lol.
2661. What things are endless?
nothing.
2662. Are you ever subtle?
i can be.
2663. Because we don't know when we will die, we get to think of life as an inexhaustible well. Yet everything happens a certain number of times, and a very small number, really. How many more times will you remember a certain afternoon of your childhood...some afternoon that's so deeply a part of your being that you can't conceive of your life without it?
How many more times will you watch the full moon rise?
How can you fully appreciate these moments, every moment, when it all seems limitless?
~Paul Bowles
excerpt from The Sheltering Sky
2664. Do you never have an ordinary day?
yes.
2665. Do you embrace every single thing you've never known?
not everything.
2666. Has anyone ever mistaken you for a satanist?
no lol.
2667. Can stress sometimes be good?
if you work well under stress, then yeah.
2668. Write something random, just whatever flows out of your head without thinking. Forget punctuation just try to type as fast as you think:
okay, this is getting boring.
2669. Are you a musical snob?
yes.
How about a film snob?
no.
2670. When you were in school did you learn to think or repeat?
think.
2671. Do you have everything you need to be happy?
not yet.
If not, what is missing?
a direction.
2672. Would you take a very casualy dropped 'maybe I should just kill myself' as a warning ssign?
yes, for sure.
2673. What does the word 'ironic' mean? Can you give an example of an ironic situation?
no.
2674. What did you see today that was beautiful in an ordinary way?
a plane flying through the sky.
2675. Have you ever been on the edge of the night?
no?
2676. Do you feel oppressed in some way?
no.
2677. Who do you think shot JFK?
idk.
Who do you think shot Martin Luthar King?
idk.
Why do you think they got shot?
haters.
2679. Are you aware that although only about 14 percent of the american total population is black, that about 70 percent of the people in jail in america are black?
Why do you think that is?
a large part of it is racism, surely. a lot of the stuff in the media basically proves it.
What conclusion can you draw based on this?
whatever.
2678. Do you think that the culture you live in is completely open to all ideas and forms of expression?
hell no. australia is one of the most narrow minded countries that’s very developed. tell me otherwise, please.
2680. What do you think of the character (muppet) on sesame street that has aids and should this kind of a theme be explored in children's television?
it’s good. and yes, i feel like children should be educated on the different backgrounds and situations people in the world can be in.
2681. Are you dyslexic?
no.
2682, Can you construct a bong out of:
household objects? sure.
an apple? sure.
your cat? i dont have a cat.
2683. Starwars, star trek or star gate?
none.
2684. Windows or mac?
mac.
2685. Do you start conversations or wait for other people to start them?
it depends who it is.
2686. How many phallac symbols can you think of?
plenty.
2687. Would you but tickets to see the top ten american idols sing live?
no.
2688. A bird may love a fish...but where would they live?
on the shore.
2689. Are you a hologram or a misfit?
none.
2690. How are you oriented sexually?
straight.
Do you agree with the people who say that everyone is bi-sexual even if they don't want to admit it?
i think preferences are purely dependant on the person. you can’t label anyone but yourself.
2691. If you are the only human on the planet of the apes do you have sex with an ape?
i don’t know.
2692. If you are making out with a sex someone and you reach down and find they have a fish tail instead of legs do you still fool around with them?
no.
2693. Does superman wear kryptonite condoms?
idk.
2694. Do you know exactly where you are?
Do you know the meaning of it all?
Do you know the distance to the sun?
Do you know the echo that is love? *yawn*
2694. Do you believe you are:
extraordinary?
Blessed?
Cursed?
Won? lame lol.
2695. What are you doing this weekend?
not sure yet. definitely going out on sunday night though.
2696. Do you believe that black people should get money to make up for their previous enslavement?
the ones who have been freed, yes definitely.
Do you believe that all oppressed people should get money to make up for their oppression?
yes.
2697. What's a quagmire?
that guy from family guy.
2698. Is philosophy a science or can everyone have their own philosophy?
to each their own.
2699. Are you a big fish in a small pond?
no.
2700. Would you like to read an entire novel written in stream of consciousness form?
idk.
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