#i actually have a social life for once
Note
💐 once you receive this lovely bouquet of flowers you have to mention five things you love, publicly, and send it to 10 of your favorite followers if you want. SPREAD POSITIVITY! ⛅️
I forgot I had this. I am so sorry 🤦🏻♀️
Uh, let's see. This gets harder every time it comes around.
I love feeling like I have actual friends for once, because school (especially high school) sucked in the making life time friends category
I love that I've come into my own style clothing wise, and that my mother supports me while also being honest if something looks genuinely ridiculous
I love cheese and I just remembered I have mozzarella sticks in the freezer 🤣 (I just woke up like 22 mins ago as of writing this)
I love that I get to meet such amazingly talented people on this hellsite, even though I still feel like an outsider to their social groups
And I love life more nowadays. It's still hard. It's not perfect, but I want to be here and I want to do things so that's got to be good for something.
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snipe me if you want but I'm pretty sick of the caption "there's no heterosexual explanation for this" under under content for which, in fact, there is an explanation other than sexuality, which is presented clearly in the text and is crucially important to even the most superficial understanding of that character
#this is about el btw. but applies to many#speaking as an elmax shipper#can we please please check in with the text once in a while and acknowledge what is actually going on#yall will really see an abused child and ignore the 2914 kinds of complex abuse that have shaped her psychologically/socially#and instead ascribe her behavior to whichever sexuality hc#like I know (?) you're joking but. when I'm in a thinking about the horrific realities of el's life mood. it's not that funny#rant
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bestieesssss /platonic
(Xīn Yá belongs to me, Sailor belongs to @crow-cap)
#some of these are kind of out of context so I’ll explain a bit djshdhshs#Xīn Yá’s fruit are ‘oranges’ but this could also mean fruits like tangerines and clementines#their taste also changes depending on Xīn’s mood. it does taste like orange but it could be sweeter or sour. if you get them really mad it#could be spicy somehow.. however the fruits healing powers and taste only work if you’re within a certain range of Xīn Yá. if u try to leave#the island with a shit ton of her fruit you just have a bunch of regular oranges. so you can’t just grab a bunch and save em for later exp#expecting it to work. although crow told me Sailor would take some oranges with him fully knowing they would end up being regular oranges#once he leaves. the idea of him taking them as souvenirs makes me cry EVERYTIME#LIKE CMON.. XĪN IS SO USED TO BEING USED AS A TOOL TO HEAL PPL OR SERVE OTHERS SO JUST. ACCEPTING EVEN READILY TAKING THEM#WITH YOU KNOWING ITS NOT GONNA DO SHIT IT JUST REMINDS YOU OF HER.. OUGGHHFFFFHHHH#on that note since sailor is their first friend it’s very fun watching their interactions dhfhsh. Sailor has actually been around and#might even have a social life so Xīn is learning a lot of new things sjfjfs#bc of that Xīn is probably possessive of him and hates it when he leaves. sailor asking them to come with him would also be a good chance to#show them how to ride and sail a boat so they can come with him but their reclusiveness outweighs that. sorry sailor shfhfsg#I lov themb#myart#my art#doodles#Lego Monkie kid#lmk#Monkie kid#lmk ocs#lmk oc#Xīn Yá#Xin Ya#little sailor#friend oc#my oc
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like why did they change where Vegeta was when Cell announced the cell games in the anime
why did they make this vegeta starting shit with yamcha instead of chillin in the lab with his family? why did they take Bulma out of the lab? Why'd they say she was Out while Dr Brief was repairing 16? Why did they change Bulma working on advanced robotics to running in late with her baby?
it's the same scene except:
- Bulma's actively at work being a scientist
- Vegeta's not being rude to her (or anyone else!)
- Vegeta waits for Trunks instead of leaving the room
- Cell interrupted the airwaves, which means Trunks and Vegeta were just hanging out with Bulma and Dr B while they were working
Those are all Great Character Details!! That the anime rails against!!
#these cowards afraid of showing Vegeta actively choosing to be around his wife and child even when he's Bad#Because Goku who is Good never ever even once makes that choice onscreen outside of filler#and then they justify that choice by making Chi-Chi seem horrid and unreasonable for (checks notes) Not Wanting Her Child to Die#anyway I am once again being bitter about anime vs manga klasjdklasd#I can't believe I let the anime convince me I hated Goku man Goku's SUCH a good and ridiculous character in the manga#the anime just SUCKS at letting him be who he's always been#and has to reframe and recontextualize and reword everything he does so that it seems like he's Actually Quite Mature and Thoughtful nO#THAT's VEGETA YOU COWARDS#also the fact that bulma said she wouldn't live with him at the beginning of this arc to him casually hanging out with her and trunks#after cell beat his ass and humbled him is REALLY GOOD SUBTEXT for their shared relationship having improved without showing it#it's great subtext for all three of them and toei just went 'nah' and decided to make it a whole group shot so ...? Master Roshi could sit#and explain how ??? Tournaments Work??? Just so Cell could log on and also explain how tournaments work?? God it's been so long#since I've watched the anime and now when I do it just makes me mad aklsdjskja the manga is SOOOOO much better#there are some spots where the pacing is more ideal in the anime like goku turning ssj for the first time but like man. everything else is.#like why are you making Goku snarky with Vegeta dude his clapbacks are SO much funnier when they're just Tactless Honesty#like Vegeta's not insulted by Snark bitch he grew up in the Freeza force that man was raised by THE bitchiest drag queens#Vegeta's insulted by someone saying something deeply and insultingly True to his face as if it's the fucking weather#Goku in the anime is like 'a battle of wits hoho' but Goku's purity is part of the joke he's not snippy he's just got no social etiquette#He's just honest! He's not trying to be insulting. That's what MAKES it insulting! That's the WHOLE GAG of why Vegeta can't stand him#Goku is always just telling the truth and it's always the rudest shit Vegeta's ever heard in his life#'it's a sunny day! i'm way stronger than you! see you out there bud!' 10000% Genuinely Friendly. Golden Retriever-Ass Pure.#Infuriating. Hilarious.#anyway I looked at anime clips to make sure I remembered things right and that was a mistake#as someone who has a soft spot for it and grew up on it -- compared to the manga it's bad and it's always been bad#and toriyama was right to be disinterested in watching it jesus christ they BUTCHERED his work#anyway this has been another shot of haterade with sketches thank you for scrolling my rambletags askljdask#dbtag#i just truly can't get over how they make Vegeta call her 'woman' in the anime and he literally only ever calls her Bulma in the manga#except for on namek when he refers to her as 'the/that woman' because she is a complete stranger#why is he calling her woman like he's a 1940s american husband and not an extraterrestrial from a deeply advanced society toei
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quick and loose (24 hours and counting) thing i tried to finish before move-in i'm calling it here i was defeated 😔 let's see if i can finish it before classes actually start (no) featurnig partial view of my krita setup (default) god be with ye all i need to be doing last minute packing in five-odd hours and then i will not sleep for four entire months god be with y'all
#ian beale#mira ramachandran#wip#art wip#look guys if i finish this it'll usurp what i think is the what a creep animation as my longest finished ian project#if things go to plan my other project will dwarf this#has already dwarfed it at least threefold i think#my courseload last semester was so light that i had like twenty hours free each week to do rb art#and do other responsibilities and have a social life i think i only turned down social activities once for it#i'm expecting to get obliterated this semester though so if i don't finish this#and i don't want to flunk out and i'm not wrong#and if i actually have self control#like 50/50 may not have art for a while. but maybe not look guys i'm so good at not getting sleep#man idk how to write dialogue is been a hot minute#will i delete this wip later maybe idk i'm frazzled and tired i really shouldn't be on this rn#anyways it was a great summer with all of you!!!!#had a great time pushing myself creatively and artistically#very inspired#thank you all
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Y'know, I don't think I realized just how poisoning other social media platforms can be until I noticed just how frustrated I get by the influx of porn bots that follow me.
I knew they were coming; as far as I'm aware, they're an iconic part of the Tumblr Ecosystem™, but MAN, does it upset me to see that the only activity I have on my blog is those fucking bots! And, like, I'm not gonna kid myself and say that I'm not at least a little bit upset by the lack of interaction. I recognize that, but Jesus Christ, the bots!
But why? I think it's because for as long as I can remember, I've known that when you're trying to "social media", the only way to do that is through ENGAGEMENT...
And that word does not mean the same thing here.
To Tumblr, engagement is engaging with the fucking website. Do you follow a handful of blogs? Comment on their posts! Crack jokes with them! Share or reblog those posts with your friends! On other platforms like Instagram or Facebook or, God forbid, Twitter? Engagement means concocting a foul poison of SEO language and rage bait just frustrating enough to get the numbers rolling.
And I hate it! I despise everything about it, but for the most part, it's been all I've known, and I've never even used social media like that! I've always been a passive observer of all the chaos of influencers and platforms, but it wasn't until now that I actually desired to grow my platform. I wanna put my content out into the world! My blog! My writing! My horrific sense of wonder and whimsy! And what do I get instead?
Porn bots!
And does it frustrate me? For sure, but I also realize that it's probably for the better. Tumblr shows me that social media isn't all about making an impression on as many people as possible and that it's better to do things for myself first than to expect external satisfaction.
I feel like I already knew that, but it doesn't hurt to be reminded once in a while so, thanks porn bots. I appreciate it.
#rant post#blog#tumblr#social media#y'know I'm honestly proud of myself for writing this#if it were any other time i'd probably have just deleted this whole thing and called it a day#but I think part of learning how to have more control over your life is to actually stick to your efforts once in awhile#I should have more faith in myself!
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people really do not know what they're talking about when it comes to Elizabeth Woodville's social status, huh?
#yes Elizabeth was without a doubt considered too low-born to be queen#no she was not a commoner and nobody actually called her that during her life (so I'm not sure why people are claiming that they did?)#Elizabeth's social status was not a problem in itself; it was a problem in the context of queenship and marrying into royalty#Context is important in this and for literally everything else when it comes to analyzing history. Any discussion is worthless without it.#obviously pop culture-esque articles claiming that she was 'a commoner who captured the king's heart' are wrong; she wasn't#But emphasizing that ACTUALLY she was part of the gentry with a well-born mother and just leaving it at that as some sort of “GOTCHA!”#is equally if not more irresponsible and entirely irrelevant to discussions of the actual time period we're studying.#Elizabeth *was* considered unworthy and unacceptable as queen precisely because of her lower social status#her father and brother had literally been derided as social-climbers by Salisbury Warwick and Edward himself just a few years earlier#the Woodvilles' marriage prospects clearly reflected their status (and 'place') in society: EW herself had first married a knight and all#siblings married within the gentry to people of a similar status. compare that to the prestigious marriages arranged after EW became queen#Elizabeth having a lower social status was not 'created' by propaganda against her; it fueled and shaped propaganda against her#that's a huge huge difference; it's irresponsible and silly to conflate the two as I've seen a recent tumblr post cavalierly do#like I said she was considered too low-born to be queen long before any of the propaganda Warwick Clarence or Richard put out against her#and the fact that Elizabeth was targeted on the basis of her social status was in itself novel and unprecedented#no queen before her was ever targeted in such a manner; Clearly Elizabeth was considered notably 'different' in that regard#(and was quite literally framed as the enemy and destroyer of 'the old royal blood of this realm' and all its actual 'inheritors' like..)#ngl this sort of discussion always leaves a bad taste in my mouth#because it's not like England and France (et all) are at war or consider each other mortal enemies in the 21st century#both are in fact western european imperialistic nations who've been nothing but a blight to the rest of the world including my own country#yet academic historians clearly have no problem contextualizing the xenophobia that medieval foreign queens faced as products of their time#and sympathizing with them accordingly (Eleanor of Provence; Joan of Navarre; Margaret of Anjou; etc)(at least by their own historians)#Nor were foreign queens the “worst” targets of xenophobia: that was their attendants or in times of war commoners or soldiers#who actually had to bear the brunt of English aggression#queens were ultimately protected and guaranteed at least a veneer of dignity and respect because of their royal status#yet once again historians and people have no problem contextualizing and understanding their difficulties regardless of all this#so what is the problem with contextualizing the classism *Elizabeth* faced and understanding *her* difficulties?#why is the prejudice against her constantly diminished & downplayed? (Ive never even seen any historian directly refer to it as 'classism')#after all it was *Elizabeth* who was more vulnerable than any queen before her due to her lack of powerful foreign or national support#and Elizabeth who faced a form of propaganda distinctly unprecedented for queens. it SHOULD be emphasized more.
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More misc. daily life pictures and such
#image commentary in tags once again since they don't allow captions anymore and I feel weird using the alt text for that --#1 & 2 - Very bright pretty looking sky !#2. HUGE icicle that looked like you could kill someone with it or something.. Pulled from near a gutter on the side of a building#3. & 4 & 5 - various images from a silly party I had where I pretended to be some elf king turning like 204 years old lol (also not like#a REAL party. Only my roommates were there really and we're all in the same household bubble.#just to clarify. I would never dare have a large party anyway given#my hermitous nature but on top of that.. didn't want there to be some implication that I'm having a Party while covid is still ongoing lol.#NEVER.. But I do love dressing up as some fantasy character so much.. The only thing that could ever bring a true hermit wizard#to engage with others socially is the prospect of connecting it somehow to fantasy worlds and costumes lol. One must simply dress up#as a silly 200 year old man from time to time and pretend you've never seen a balloon before in your life. etc.#6. bapy boye... feets#7. The main food that I made for the elderly elf man 'party'. which was a Deconstructed Beef Wellington (kind of as ajoke since I watch s#o many silly cooking competition shows and they always make stuff 'deconstructed' at the last minute when under time limits or whatever.)#I've wanted to make beef wellington a few times but Ithink to do it well I'd need like..an actual kitchen and a lot of time and#an oven that fully works to bake things and etc. etc. So I thought this would be an easier method. A thick steak cut round to kind of mimi#c the round tenderloin or whatever it is in a wellington. instead of the puff pastry being wrapped around - I just did star shaped cut outs#of pastry and baked them and put them on top (to go with the star theme). instead of mushroom duxelles being wrapped around in pastry#its in a little circle under the steak. and instead of mustard being brushed onto the meat I made a mustard gravy sauce type of thing#Then of course asparagus on the side.. my favorite... Though I know some wellington#also has a layer of prosciutto I think. or I saw one person use crepes. I didn't feel it was necessary to incorporate that too lol#8. bapy son helping me do a giant puzzle that took me hours and I had no idea it was actually that large of a puzzle#until I started putting it together and for some reason it made me stressed by the end instead of relaxed lol.. puzzle fatigue#photo diary
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#tw suicide#idk i feel like i am probably gonna kms after TIT#i would do it sooner but i asked one of my friends to come with me and it would suck if i made him go alone#and it is something to look forward to which is helping me hang on i guess#but ughhhh once uni starts again in september i know everything is gonna fall apart.#i already got an extension on my thesis due to being a useless shell of a person who can't motivate themselves to do anything atm#but i was supposed to get some work done over the summer and have so far done nothing#hence why i want to kms before i have to talk to my fucking supervisors again and admit yet again that i simply cannot do this 😭#and it's not just this. my executive dysfunction has been so bad over the past couple of years and it's only getting worse#to the point where i can't imagine being able to work at all. and if i can't work i can't get out of my parents house#and then what the fuck is the point.#every time i see someone on here talking about bonding with their parents over dnp I'm like damn what's it like#to have parents who actually want to talk to you DSFGJJKL i know they let me live in their house at my big age#but that's only bc id literally be homeless otherwise and they're not like evil. they just don't love me#also went through a deeply embarrassing breakup recently#tl;dr ive been in love with this person for over a decade and i thought they were the dan to my phil or vice versa.#then after 10 years they left me and i'll spare the details but it has me wondering if they ever loved me#i thought it was a “let's live together and get a cat one day” relationship#but now i feel like for them. it was just a “sex and video games” type situation#i am trying soooo hard to at least be creative bc that makes me happy sometimes but it's hard to not be overly critical of myself#and now im getting to a point where i can barely even find any joy in this space any more. for a bunch of reasons#most of which revolve around me being extremely sensitive. and this is like my last bastion of dopamine so that fucking sucks#idk i don't see the point in my life any more. a social worker actually told me recently that i should consider euthanasia so.#it's just completely over for me i fear#this is not even mentioning all the damn migraines. and all the other ways in which my body simply doesn't work properly#sorry for this weird ass vent I'm not in therapy any more bc i couldn't find a therapist willing to treat me+all my diagnoses at this point#and im scared my friends will stop wanting to talk to me if i talk to them about this. several of them already have#the 2 friends i have left anyway. that's a whole other thing. when they said it's hard for autistic ppl to make friends i took that persona#so uh at this point it's vent here or develop a substance abuse problem. and im already halfway to having a substance abuse problem#anyway dan and phil for the love of god please fucking post something tonight. unfortunately you are my only hope
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I'm comparing xuanji and tantai jin right now in how they handle their "innocence" about romance (just cause they don't feel emotion generally)
Xuanji: completely oblivious, WOULD grab sifengs boner while dropping in on him naked in a bath and DOES NOT care. He's her great friend! And he's fun to make blush! Will also be the first to kiss HIM. Again, she's not really sure why or that it means EONS to sifeng emotionally. But she is glad to be with her friend and it seems fun uvu
(Xuanji later will go onto top her babe but that's later, I'm talking the early parts when she isn't feeling things much)
Tantai jin: I am SCANDALIZED you would touch me. I know you're my WIFE but as my wife you tried to sleep with me to lock me into marriage and I was disgusted by how fucked up and cruel you were so I put you to sleep. Do NOT strip me, don't even look me up and down. I don't have lust or any particular romantic feelings for you, it's not like I'm abashed of sex as I AM an adult who got married and know the fucked up palace shit of behind closed doors. BUT I am repulsed by the idea of being near you, especially naked and sharing that experience with YOU agh, so I Am going to continously insist on Being chaste. Maybe one day I'll want to rail someone, like you said when I feel "love" for someone or whatever maybe... but lmao not your awful ass
Also tantai jin, seeing a demon kiss qingyu: huh... evil powers cool I should eat her. It'd be nice if I could eat humans for power too. Huh... that kind of looks enjoyable? Maybe I'll try making out with someone I don't dislike. (Thinks about his wife who feeds him and would die for him, but there's baggage so he just moves on)
A few eps later: actually... like... would it be Too Fucked up? If I just... DID make out with my evil Wife who wants to kill me? I mean... a kiss is a kiss if it feels nice does it matter if we kill each other later? What if she sat on my lap! What if... I was held in her arms... <3 (no! Focus! She'll betray me! We can only have sex if she's my prisoner or something so she doesn't stab me or sell me out while we're naked!)
#love and redemption#till the end of the moon#tteotm#lb#xuanji#tantai jin#i just. 1 I LOVE how xuanji is actually the forward one unashamed and unworried about physical stuff#while sifeng is the blushing virgin concerned with propriety and feelings and STEPS etc. but love is SERIOUS in his sect#2 i LOVE how tantai jin has same vague Starting Setting as xuanji#but tantai jin IS socially aware of sex and romance enough to know he does NOT want#his evil bitch of a wife who whips him to ever try getting intimate with him#xuanji is both more innocent and naive in that she doesnt KNOW what it means#but also way more like I WOULD BE UP FOR RIDING SIFENG. SOUNDS FUN#and sifengs like NO babe STOP you shpuldnt unless youre in love and married!!! NO DONT RIDE HIM INSTEAD DONT#JUST APPROACH STRANGERS YOU DONT KNOW IF THEYRE NIDE#like if xuanji knew what sex was and had fun doing it shed have done it all the time asap#and she DID do it once she knew what it was lol#meanwhile tantai jin knows what it is but his life is so fucked up he cant imagine it being a#positive experience#(great i made myself sad :c)#anyway i love xuanji
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I’ve been spending less and less time on this stupid ass website recently and honestly….. good
#idk I just don’t find it as? enjoyable as I once did?#which is sad in a way cuz I’ve used tumblr YEARS now and I DO enjoy the way the platform functions#and I for the most part enjoy the space I’ve created#but idk#it’s getting harder and harder to find ppl I actually want to follow and interact with#not many ppl post about my interests in a way I like#and while I once had a pretty active and good chunk of ppl I followed#more and more of them are starting to be inactive#on top of that I’ve been fighting the urge to just drop off of social media entirely recently anyways#like idk….. something about it all of a sudden has started to feel very draining and not fun#not that I have a lot of social media accounts to begin with…..#but I have been seriously debating just deleting most of them#I think part of it is not wanting old ppl in my life having a method of contacting me haha#but also it’s not like I use or enjoy them that much anyways#idk I have some mutuals on here I still enjoy interacting and seeing their posts and such obviously#but idk…. just not been feeling it lately#which in a lot of ways is a good thing! the amount of time I spend on my phone has dropped A LOT#I mostly just use it on breaks at work now and for a little bit before bed#other than? I’ve been actually engaging in hobbies and not mindlessly scrolling#mostly gaming writing and cooking and idk it’s been nice#I doubt I’d ever actually delete this blog#I’ll be here until this website goes down#I am starting to feel like my activity might be slowing down a lot from what it once was tho#kaz rambles
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so ur argument is that “arabs” are currently risking their lives while living under dictatorships that have normalised relations with israel to protest for palestinians because *checks notes* they just hate jewish ppl?
ur argument is that “arab countries” fought israel in the 1960s as a result of israel’s hostilities against palestinians bc they just. hate jewish ppl?
ur argument is that “arab countries” which had hundreds of thousands of jewish ppl for thousands of years just woke up coincidentally the same time israel came to exist, the same time as the nakba, and suddenly expressed their hatred of jewish ppl despite coexisting with jewish ppl for centuries in a way europeans were unable to?
if u want to argue “arabs” hate each other, i can at least agree with that but to claim “arabs” hate palestinians bc palestinians r just so evil but hate jewish ppl more & therefore support palestine.. u just sound like an idiot to me.
the way zionists oversimplify the middle east & middle eastern history is genuinely insane. the way they utilise the same argument points antisemites made to justify antisemitism is insane. where else did i hear the argument that a certain population is evil, manipulative, sly and criminal and tricks others into feeling sympathy for them but no population genuinely likes them bc they’re just so sly and evil? oh.. wait yeah that’s literally what antisemites say about jewish people to justify & normalise antisemitism. and here zionists are using these same arguments to dehumanise palestinians & normalise hatred against them as somehow factual.
#don’t get me wrong antisemitism did exist in the 1900s in the middle east#and it does exist even more prominently today#but to reduce caring for palestinians as simply being out of a hatred of jewish ppl#is just. vile + stupid + tonedeaf + ignorant#there absolutely are antisemites who only support palestine bc they hate jewish ppl. but#i have not once met a middle eastern person who only supports palestinians bc they hate jews. not once#the ones that are actual activists fighting for palestine are more supportive of jewish ppl than the middle easterners#who don’t care for israel nor palestine. i’ve met more antisemitic ppl who don’t care for the conflict#than i have met activists for palestine that hate jewish ppl#and i know this bc i’ve sat in many social gatherings where there were several jewish ppl (some even israeli!!) & several palestinians#& several pro-palestine activists. and they’ve all been normal to each other#i’ve been to pro-palestine protests where jewish ppl stood alongside me and jewish ppl were treated with respect#i’ve literally seen more than enough evidence throughout my life to know that’s just racist bs#middle eastern people can actually have values and care for things btw. we aren’t just led by hatred like u want to pretend.
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hey guys do y’all remrmber me ..... i am alive and doing well 👍👍
#very VERY sorry for suddenly leaving so long ago#idk i just. leave my social media accs randomly sometimes idk sometimes i need space ig#but i wanna try n be a lil more active on here again <3#a lot has happened since i’ve truly been active on here but welp such is life#i have an active dnd campaign n more close friends now#and i almost booked tickets for the bronze vb olympia match !!#sadly they were all sold out :(#there’s still some old ass asks in my inbox i wanna get to eventually !! taku n anon z i see ur asks! i will answer them !!#might take me a bit to get used to tumblr again. generally not sure just how active i’ll be#we’ll see ig#in case anyone actually reads this especially if i know you: hey!! hello !! i missed you all :((#especially taku n anon z ofc !! <3#bc i mostly only rlly talked to you guys haha#i’m on anti depressants now n actually doing much better in case. anyone was wondering haha#and i’m once again neck deep in a tokrev phase bc i just got a friend into it (we watched the whole of s1 together)#(it took us 5 days)(we were on a school trip n didn’t have anything better to do)#so. uh. yeah#hopefully expect some tokrev stuff from me :3#glad to be back guys <3#really missed this tbh#☆—`elys rambles
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lil tentative plotting call?? idk there’s still a lot going on for me atm & i don’t get to write that much, but I would absolutely love to build more in-depth dynamics here? so yeah like this & I will slide into your ims soon (or feel free to leave your discord in the comments if you prefer that!) also I’d appreciate if you have a muse of mine in mind (or on both ends if you are a fellow multi), but obviously we can also figure something out together!! ❤️✨
#here we gooo#yeah idk I actually have a social life for once??? crazy#today was sword training & on thursday I learn folk dances & sunday is now choir day ykdkdkdkdk#but yeah!!!#I’m also not good at on depth plotting tbh but I like a foundation at least ^^
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just realized my fatal flaw and the great struggle of possibly the rest of my life. while watching a cdrama.
#a sock speaks#local construction#fundamentally I lack the confidence needed to be a writer or a teacher#on the one hand I can't brazen my way out of this by pretending to be confident. I need to actually have the knowledge and skills I claim.#on the other hand I can't just say I'll be confident once I have more knowledge and experience. I have a master's degree!#I want to get more school but more school on its own will not fix this#I've let opportunities pass by because I was depressed. I didn't see how I could be enough for them.#or I was too tired (because I was depressed)#but sometimes it's bc I'm not sure if trying would make things better or worse (that one's on the OCD more than depression)#it makes sense that I lack confidence because of inexperience. but I can only gain experience by going for it. doing things badly is good.#it makes sense that I'm scared to face criticism. I've faced my whole community against me.#I've been stuck at someone's house debating scripture for hours with a migraine and no food. I think that was mildly traumatic for me.#but in most cases I am physically safe and the physical fear is irrational. I can work on this with some gentle exposure therapy.#but I need to bring together the effort to organize my thoughts and the bravado to hold my ground in an argument#and I can only build up this confidence with practice. I need to write. I need to do public speaking.#I'd need a platform for speaking (I'd hate to do a podcast or vlog but it'd be good for me)#but I should write! why am I not writing more? I need to write. writing is the way forward#several years ago I was in such deep despair with life that in order to survive I told myself#that I just had to survive. I didn't have to achieve anything or prove myself in any way as long as I stayed alive#and I went to grad school in Georgia not because I saw a path to a career in biblical studies but because school made me want to be alive#(extremely bizarre case of grad school not being the problem. I know.)#I know I missed a lot of benefits I could've had if I'd been mentally healthy when I went. but it's okay because it kept me going#I can go back to school or not go back. do biblical studies or do something else. I don't have big expectations for myself#but as my mental health improves it occurs to me that I COULD do more if only I believed it was worth the effort#I don't need to fear failure when the alternative was not even attempting it#I need to write. I need to write. I need to write.#I'm thinking I might start a newsletter or blog or something. some Bible stuff and some church/social commentary. just kind of open ended.
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objectively a stupid thing to get irritated or upset by, but i really hate when people at the centre try to tell me how lucky i am for the life i live or how good i have it, esp when they tell me they had it sooooo much worse when they were my age. they do not know me. they do not know my life. they have no idea what my situation is.
they see somebody who is exceedingly polite and unerringly kind and shows up in nice clothes most of the time. they see that i draw in a sketchbook. they see that i work on the jigsaw puzzle. they see that i hold the door for people. they see that i greet people and ask people questions about themselves in a way that makes others feel seen and heard and appreciated.
now what the fuck are they getting from that that makes them think they know anything about me or my mental health or life situation!!! if anything they should be curious because I share so little about myself with people, I tend to keep things focused on others because that's safest for me. do they not question why i am at the mental health centre so often if i apparently seem like i have such a great life ????
#and perhaps this is oversharing but i have literally been keeping relapse cuts hidden under my sleeves almost all week long lmfao#which feels... fitting for this. symbolism moment lol#also i know people are self-absorbed esp if they have mental health shit going on#and i know i think about others way more than the average person. but like. cmon. do not assume all that shit about me#it was really fucking hard not to snap at this one lady today who is always telling me how lucky i am for what she assumes i have in life#maam allow me to just push up my shirt sleeve like two inches. do you see? shut up! shut up! you don't know me!!!#and i AM aware of how good i have it compared to others. i have food. i have shelter. i have the centre to spend time at during the week.#i have my old lady group once a week if i choose to attend. i have enough social awareness to function somewhat in society#i have some very nice belongings that i get to call my own. clothing that i like. public transit system. some craft supplies.#there are good things. there are privileges that i am lucky to have. i see this and i am grateful for it.#but there is also a lot that i am massively struggling without. safety for one. a family that actually cares for me. mental stability!#emotional stability too lmfao! enough energy to do more than 1-3 tasks in a day! affordable food or perhaps just a form of income!#i dont know. i'm just really tired and frustrated with people. its unfair of me to be frustrated w them bc yeah i guess i do look like-#-i have it together on the outside to people. and all these people struggle with social awareness and etiquette so... sigh.#i should not be annoyed but i am struggling to be patient with these people when they assume this shit about me#because there isn't really anything i can say to them other than nodding vaguely and smiling. like i can't argue lol#pippen needs 2nd breakfast#self harm tw
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