#i also haven't gotten much sleep this week but that's because of the fucking NIGHTMARES

[jungkookslipring]

I Will Never Make You Lonely: CH 2

Summary: When your life is falling apart, your 8 best friends are there to lift you up

TW: mentions of de&th, su!c!de, su!c!de tendencies, su!c!dal ideologies, depress!on, anxiety, crying. If this is in any way triggering I’d steer towards more of my happier works. 

If you or someone you love has thought of or acted on suicide, there is help and there is hope 

Call or text 988

Genre: angst, hurt/comfort, non-idol AU

PSA: this is no way represents the artists. While their birth names are used in this story, this is in no way a reflection of the artist or artists in real life.

AU: this chapter is a little more lighthearted, but I wanted to add the trigger warnings just in case.

there is a tickle scene in here, so if it's not your cup of tea you are more than welcome to skip this chapter.

Ch 2

The last seven days have felt slow and dreadful, and all you could do was work. You were currently in the fourth week of your final quarter with midterms coming up soon. Although your friends have their own school work to worry about, they are starting to become worried about you. You haven't shown any signs of emotion since you received that phone call.

You would spend 12 to 16 hours each day reading, writing, deleting, and editing. However, when it was time for bed, you couldn't sleep. And even if you managed to sleep, you would have very vivid nightmares. As a result, more than half of the time, you would keep yourself busy by burning through homework assignments and projects.

Sometimes the guys would bring you food, drinks, or snacks because they knew you wouldn’t do it yourself, and you were now approaching a no-sleep streak of almost 72 hours. You truly didn’t know how you were still functioning, and they didn’t know either. One evening you were sitting at your windowsill, reading yet another case study. You closed your eyes for a split second before your heart nearly jumped out of your butt when Hyunjin, Han, and Minho burst into your room. You stared at them with your hand over your chest.

"What. the actual fuck is happening?" you ask trying to catch your breath. Hyunjin grabbed your textbook and Han grabbed a hold of your hands.

"Friday night movie night! Don't tell me you were going to skip!" Han said full of energy. Right, movie night. On any given day they would jump on your bed and quite literally drag you away from whatever you were doing so you could all binge-watch movies until the early AM, but Chris had warned them to leave you alone because you were studying. That didn't work out so well.

"If you want to study you can, we just thought you deserved a break," Minho said kindly. Han stood there swinging your arms side to side, patiently waiting for an answer.

"You haven't taken a proper break for days, y/n, and sleeping doesn't count as a break, which we know you haven't gotten a whole lot of either," Hyunjin said as he thumbed the dark circle under your eye gently. You exhaled and closed your eyes. All the shock mixed with not getting any sleep was not only mentally draining but also physically.

“I’m fine, I don’t sleep a whole lot anyways,” you said, shrugging it off, but if you spent the rest of the night studying, you were going to collapse, and the boys knew that. They suggested that you take a nice hot shower and meet them in the living room for some much-needed best-friend time. Seungmin was already on a mission to get your shower bomb that made the entire bathroom smell super citrusy and lit a candle to provide a little bit of light so that the overhead light wasn't so bright. After the shower, you walked into the bedroom and saw a pair of folded pajamas that were warm from just being pulled out of the dryer and placed on the bed. You felt so much love for those boys. There was a gentle knock at the door once you were dressed.

“Come in,” you called out. The door cracked open as Minho poked his head in the door frame. 

“I made soup if you would like any,” he said sweetly. You gave him a smile as you whispered “Thank you”. He had sad eyes and a kind smile, he knew (they all knew) how hard you were taking everything. Minho slowly pushed past the door and walked up to you. 

“Aigoo…” he whispered as he cupped your face, studying your features.  

“You must be exhausted." You nodded and looked down at the floor.

“Would you like to eat? Even if it’s just a bite or two?” he asked. You nodded slowly as he carefully took a handful of your sweater paw and led you out of your bedroom. As you stepped out of the hallway into the kitchen, you noticed that the boys were scattered in the living room. They were having soup while the TV was on low volume, making sure not to be too loud. When you walked in, they greeted you with sweet smiles. Minho handed you a bowl of soup and led you to the couch. Changbin patted the spot between him and Han, inviting you to sit. You weren't sure which movie they had picked, but it managed to distract you. After you finished your soup, Han took your bowl while Changbin snuggled you close to his side. Han came back and stroked your hair while cooing at the both of you.

“Our baby,” he said sweetly.

“She’s not a baby, she’s older than you,” Changbin jokingly sassed at Han. Han put a hand over his heart and made the most extra gasp he had ever made. You giggled and patted Changbin’s hand.

“I’m older than you too you know,” you say while trying to hide a smile. Everyone in the room burst out laughing as Changbin gave you a look of betrayal.

“By two months!” he squawked at you as he began to poke your sides. You giggled as you buried yourself further between Changbin and the couch cushions, trying to get away from Changbin’s hands.

“Oh no, you’re not going anywhere missy!” Changbin laughed as he pulled you onto his lap. He held you in his arms as he squeezed your side with one hand.

“Bihihin quit ihihihihit,” you giggled trying to fold in on yourself. Your arms were trapped under his so your whole midsection was exposed while Han grabbed a hold of your ankles to hold you down. You squeaked when Chris got on the couch, plopping himself right next to your hips, and pressed his fingers into your tummy, turning your giggles to laughter. 

“Awww there’s that laugh we love so much, tickle tickle tickle,” he teased as his eyes turned into beautiful little crescents. 

“YOU GUYHAHAHAHA YOU GUYS ARE SO BAHAHAHAHAD!” You threw your head back on Changbin’s shoulder as you continued to squeal while the boys cooed at your reaction. As the movie played on, three of the boys tickled and teased you while the rest looked on with adoration. It was heartwarming to see you smile again since they had missed it. After a few minutes, Chris and Changbin stopped tickling you, and you resumed cuddling with Changbin while Han kept your feet on his lap and tapped a beat on your calves. The group ended up having a movie marathon, with occasional pokes and squeezes from Changbin and Han.

As your favorite movie played on, Changbin noticed that you were starting to fall asleep on his chest. He began to play with your hair, alternating between massaging your head, rubbing his hand up and down your back, and gently running his fingers through your hair. The soft touches on your head and back and the steady rhythm of his heartbeat helped you fall into a peaceful sleep. Once you were asleep, Changbin nudged Han and pointed to you, indicating that you were out. Han quietly cooed at you and signaled everyone else that you were asleep. By the time the last movie had ended, it was almost 9 p.m., and Chris suggested that everyone should rest. Changbin picked you up and carried you to your bed without waking you up. He tucked you in, gave you a soft kiss on the forehead, turned off the lights, and closed the door.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Stay tuned for CH 3!

taglist: @felixmainacc @felixburneracc @myforevermelody143 @dunno-wut-to-do @itzsana-kiddingmenow

[frecklystars]

Every now and again I’ll see your vent posts and just feel this….surge of empathy and understanding. I don’t have ptsd, but I do have GAD and Panic Disorder. I know what it’s like to go days without sleeping because your brain just WILL NOT relax. I know the feeling of spiraling, of all the negative thoughts and physical feelings becoming the only thing you feel, and feeling like you’re alone in your little universe. I know what it’s like to have to force yourself to chew and swallow every bite of food, because you’re so anxious that you’re not hungry, and eating makes you nauseous. I know the crushing, DEBILITATING frustration at yourself and your brain, and the thoughts of “why can’t I just be normal?? why can’t I be happy??”.

I also know the giddiness and joy from realizing you just enjoyed a hobby! You slept a full 8 hours! You went out with friends and enjoyed yourself! You ate food and loved it! You engaged in your special interest!

Mental health issues are a series of ups and downs. I know it’s easy to get frustrated with yourself for having a bad mental health day (or week, or weeks), or for not enjoying things you should, or for getting triggered, but getting frustrated at yourself will only make it worse. You can only control how you care for yourself during these times. Be kind to yourself, coddle your brain. It’s going to be ok. Do whatever you need to ride the wave and get through it.

Your followers love you, and Barbie and Ken love you too!

We’re always here for you!

You sent this at the perfect time... I just spiraled for an hour after jolting awake from a nightmare. I haven't gotten any peace in almost 2 years now and it just feels like it's never going to end. I have been laying in bed crying and feeling so hopeless, like I'm just never going to feel safe ever again. I typed up a vent post, deleted it before I could post it. Typed it up again. Deleted it. Did this about three more times and spiraled over how I don't even feel safe making a vent post on my own blog... but then I opened my inbox, saw this was just sent to me today, and felt a little bit of comfort/relief ;-;

I'm so sorry that you go through this too, even if it's not ptsd, GAD and panic disorder is definitely in the same field, since ptsd is an anxiety disorder after all... wait -- uh, well, apparently according to the internet, it is "no longer classified as an anxiety disorder and is now a trauma/stress disorder" but whatever y'know what my anxiety is heightened 24/7 at all times so i feel in my heart it is also an Anxiety Disorder™. it feels like a bad dream you can't wake up from when your brain just Will Not Turn Off. i wont go into TOO much detail bc im not sure if im in a safe position to do so, but i have had incidents happening every other month regarding my situation with my cptsd and the person who gave me cptsd, and i had a really... fucking horrific online situation a few months ago where someone pretended to be my friend for almost a year. the intentions were malicious. it was not someone being genuinely friendly. it was a trap. long story of how, but i caught onto it, and thankfully i never gave this person access to my dms/discord, i only answered their inbox messages once in a while when i had energy, but i found out it was all faked. they even drew pictures for me! who tf wastes THAT much time and energy pretending to be someone's friend just to gain their trust? my god. exhausting.

the last few months, ive been worrying that my F/Os would do the same thing to me. if someone dedicated themselves for a year to be on my side, when secretly they had malicious intentions, then...??? what would be stopping my F/Os from doing the same? if complete strangers can be so easily manipulated into trying to harm me, what is stopping my F/Os from being manipulated to turn against me? are my F/Os just pretending to love me? that's why self shipping has felt impossible lately. that's why i've been asking for so many reassuring posts that barbie/ken/whoever wouldn't be turned against me and would still be on my side and, like. aren't secretly out to get me or whatever. and it hurts because i have so many people on this hellsite i want to be friends with, but i don't allow access to my dms and i try not to get too close, just in case if it's another trap. i shouldn't have to worry about shit like that, y'know :c

anyway im so sorry that you go through similar shit, because this sucks. not being able to sleep for DAYS sucks, and i feel like -- people who hear that dont really hear that. going without sleep for a few hours sucks, but going without sleep for DAYS bc youre so panicked and overwhelmed?? dude it's awful. it's hell. not being able to eat is so hard too, im sorry you go through that as well. i have been unable to keep half of my meals down for the last couple of years because im so anxious and the nightmares/flashbacks just bring it back up. i wish you didnt have to go through that either, feeling too nauseous/anxious to eat and literally having to force yourself to take one bite at a time. i want you to know i am very proud of you for still trying to eat and sleep even though it's extremely hard. i see you striving.

I teared up reading your message. you seem like you really understand ;-; I think you're the first person to acknowledge "hey you felt joy, even for a moment, that's good!" because most of the time when I post "hey I think i felt okay right now in this moment for just a few minutes. look at this screenshot of an F/O i love them very much and feel good with them rn!" some people might misinterpret it as "I am cured!!!" and I always feel weird/like i've misled people unintentionally when I go back to making a vent post because some people say "oh no, you were doing better!" and I feel like... I wasn't doing... better, I was just... experiencing momentary relief. and yeah in a way that WAS me doing better, in a sense! but I am in a position where I only feel moments of joy/relief/safety every once in a while, and just hoping beyond hope that those moments finally turn into hours or days or weeks, and that I eventually will go back to "I feel okay most of the time, and only have bad days sometimes". i try to tell myself i didnt feel THIS bad a few months ago, i just... ive felt really bad the last few months bc of the most recent incident. and im reminded of that, when you said its possible to have a bad mental health day, or week, or even months. i think im having a bad mental health... months.

anyway god yeah you get it. sleeping a full 8 hours!! eating a whole meal and enjoying it!! enjoying a hobby, engaging in a special interest!!! we gotta hold onto these things and document them. i write down every good dream i have because it's so rare now that i ever have a good dream. i try to write down when i feel good with an F/O and put it in my Love Notes tag. i made an AU with Officer K from blade runner, and indulged in it, and i messaged a friend on discord today all about my AU because i want to tell myself "hey, look, you ENJOYED this AU you made. you are thinking of an F/O. you feel good with this F/O right now, even if it was just for ten minutes." i took pictures of the heart-shaped cookies i baked and tried to tell myself i felt good posing my dolls with those cookies. the actual act of baking and decorating the cookies didn't make me feel anything whatsoever, but putting my dolls next to them and decorating everything with my flowers and my photos... that felt good. i want to remember that felt good. i queued those photos to post on tuesday because i want to look back on my love notes tag and remember "hey, even during the worst fucking time of my life, i still felt some joy, maybe that joy will happen again"

that's why i want to get back into the habit of blogging again, of self shipping again. i want to document that joy really does happen. when im drawing myself with my F/Os, right now, i feel nothing, but if i keep doing it over and over again, maybe i will get back into the habit of it, and it'll make my brain remember "oh yeah, this is supposed to feel good!" re-working that mental muscle. or, like... when i saw those Barbie and Ken campfire dolls for preorder, i gasped and i felt so genuinely excited. and then i felt so unbearably sad again. BUT the excitement was THERE!!! it EXISTED!!! it was momentary!! but that means im capable of feeling joy. it's just overshadowed by the trauma and the constant stress. when that trauma and stress is dealt with, when i finally someday figure out how to get better, then i should be able to feel joy again. just like when you are able to have your good days and get a handle on your anxiety, you feel joy too. and over time it will build up and we will have more good moments that turn into good days.

i believe in us. holding your hand through it, i am on your side and i got your back. keep trying to eat and sleep and socialize and go out and do fun things, even though your anxiety is making it super hard. i am rooting for you. every time you try to eat, you can think of me cheering you on. when youre awake at night and cannot sleep for the life of you, i would bet money that i am awake too. you can think of me. mentally laying on the carpet next to you and staring at the ceiling with you. we're both not sleeping together. and on nights (or days, depending on your sleep schedule, personally i have been sleeping roughly from 10am to 3pm these days) if you DO get sleep, i want you to know i am so happy for you and so proud of you. picture me throwing confetti in the air for you!! multicolored confetti, with those little pastel star stickers... hell yeah. i am always in your corner and i am rooting for you, anon. whoever you are, wherever you are, there is a girl on the internet in some corner of this huge universe who is on your side (that's me!) and if you ever feel alone you can always think "well hey, frecklystars/keri feels this way too, we are in this together"

thank you for reassuring me that this is normal, for our circumstances at least, this is normal for us. i wanna get better so bad dude. im sorry my response to you is during a time when i just had a really bad meltdown and cried my eyes out, so. i . am not as positive as i could be and i think my reply was all over the place. but i am hugging you so hard. i really really really appreciate you reaching out to me. it has been so unbearable for so so so long now and i am so tired of feeling so bad. i think if the current situation im stuck in would just end already, i would be able to heal properly. i have not fully gotten out of my situation yet and i dont know how i'll be able to leave it. but. i keep hoping beyond hope i will be able to fully separate myself from the danger, and then ill be able to heal properly. and honestly, even if i never separate myself from it, i think there will come a day where i will feel annoyed instead of fear. like a new Thing will happen to me and i'll just chuckle and say "wow how pathetic. this again?" and then move on. but until then, it is kind messages from people like you that keep me going. i mean it, i am deadly serious, i rely so much on the kind words of others to keep me sane through all this. i feel like i am constantly on the edge of a precipice barely clinging for my life and the encouragement from kind people telling me "don't worry!!! it will get better!!! you will finally find peace one day" or "hey i know how you feel, it's okay to feel this way, i feel this way too and i'm empathizing with you" always helps me hang on a little longer. i love you thank you. it's 7am i'm gonna lie down and stare at the ceiling now. giving you hugs and sending you little stars 🌟✨

[tir3dbuthungry]

I need to ramble so badly right now, and I honestly don't care if no one sees this. I just need to say something

cw: suicidal ideation, sh, ed, intrusive thoughts.

I've been going insane the past week or two, I honestly don't know at this point it feels like forever.

I've been having constant intrusive thoughts about killing myself, each with extreme detail. It's to the point where it's more like plotting my death now, and I don't know what to do about it. I don't want to die, I know that, but I don't want to be here. I've been binging a bunch because my brain wants me to feel at least some dopamine, but it's only stressing me out more.

I've become more active with sh, I've always had ideation, and I've done it a few times before, but addiction is in full swing. My mind just fucking ruminates on the idea of cutting into my flesh and watching the blood. The worst part is that the only way to get these thoughts out of my head is by doing it.

But then I have all of the other intrusive shit thar ruminate in extreme also. The most gory fucking ideas, the specifics of how would it be like if I got my brains blown out, or what would happen if I bleed out. while I'm driving more often than not, my mind goes to how I should just drive off the fucking road.

I just don't know what to do now. I just want to go into a ball and cry, but I have too much shit to do. I have school and then work, and I have almost no time off. I've been isolating myself from my friends, and when I try not to, none of them are online or talk to me.

One of them asked how I was doing yesterday, and I just told them I was tired. I don't want want to stress them out. They literally had a dream where they were talking about how they had a breakdown while talking to me about how they are so happy I haven't killed myself.

The thing is, I've honestly gotten so close to doing it. The idea of just not needing to put effort anymore is such a nice feeling, and I genuinely crave it so fucking much.

I need to talk to my friends and family about it, but I'm fucking terrified. How the he'll am I supposed to bring it up, like hey fun fact I've wanted nothing but to kill myself, like what the fuck am I supposed to say.

Even then, I don't even know what I want with me talking about it. Do I want to be institutionalized, or do I just want them to know? I don't fucking know.

I just need some form of input, someone to just say that they love me, I just want to be a little kid again. Sleeping in their parents' bed because they had a nightmare and that being the only thing I worry about.

I've been given so little affection at this point. When I instigate it, they tell me to stop, and more often than not, if I talk about something, they straight up will say they don't care or they just don't respond.

I just need someone to lean on, just the bare fucking minimum.

[deadbydad]

Taking a break (but not really)

Hi everyone!

I know that I have not been posting/uploading chapters or fanfics lately and I want to but I just can't as much as I want to.

I will be taking a break from writing, but not from posting random stuff on my blog.

My mental health these past three months has not been great and it has gotten worse these past two weeks due to something happening to me.

My depression has gotten so bad to the point where I wake up wishing I didn't, that I didn't matter to this world, and that I am just a waste. School is stressing me out more than it has ever in along time, I don't have any friends at school, and I literally have a hate club there which I think is kind of funny when they aren't harassing me.

There is a guy at school going around school telling everyone that we did the do, we didn't, and the principal is doing nothing about it even though I have shown here proof and even the teachers have told her about the situation. She doesn't do fucking shit and hasn't for the past three years and the teachers and staff are tired of it. Really says something.

My dad, who I haven't seen in person for three years, was supposed to come down here for my brothers graduation, my grandma offered to pay for his ticket, but he decided his fucking kids were less important than his wife who called me a slut when I was fucking fifteen. I would like to see him at some point again in my fucking life but apparently fuck us his wife is more important.

I'm just so fucking tired everyday, I'm in constant pain due to cramps and I'm bleeding for three months straight now, I'm having trouble sleeping but also going to bed at five as soon as I get home from school. I keep having nightmares and waking up screaming. I've had five panic attacks over the last week. I haven't been drinking or eating barely anything and when I do I throw it all up.

When will it fucking end? I just want it to stop, want the pain and emptiness to just leave me alone, want people to notice that I'm not fucking okay but I don't ask for help because I'm scared that I'll just be in their way and I don't like doing or feeling like that. I don't even remember the last time I took care of myself because I feel like I don't deserve that! I don't deserve the care and kindness you all show me, the support you guys give me, and I feel like I'm just wasting everyone's time.

I want it to stop, I want to be happy again and not be faking it with a smile, I want to be able to wake up with a smile and actual fucking energy, I want to be able to ask for help and to be able to make jokes like I usually would. But I can't and it fucking sucks and it hurts me.

Just stop, please, I want everything to be normal like it was. Want my dad back, my abandonment issues to leave, to find guys that aren't complete assholes. But I can't have anything nice because fuck me!

This sucks....

[servin-up-surveys]

survey #128

Who was your first big crush? *Big* crush... I wanna say Sebastian? He was DEFINITELY my first "real" crush, but I'm not entirely sure if it reached the point of being "big," I really can't recall. If it wasn't him, it was DEFINITELY Jason.

Name someone you know who drives a green car: I don't believe I know anyone who does.

When was the last time someone drunk dialed/texted/left a voicemail? No one's ever done that, I think.

Has anyone ever told you that you talk in your sleep? More like scream. ALTHOUGH, my nightmares have gotten A LOT better lately; I haven't really been having them for maybe two-ish months, save for maybe an instance or two I don't remember. I have absolutely zero idea why they've suddenly fucked off after so many years of them just being normal and regular for me, but I will ABSOLUTELY take it.

Where did you last go out to eat at? Actually we were at Applebee's for dinner last night, because that's where Herb wanted to go. Mom and I aren't really fans/never go there otherwise, BUT the fries were actually really good.

Was your last breakup a bad one? No, honestly. Like yeah, it hurt, but whatever Sara and I had was NOT what I thought it was at the time, and I must've subconsciously known that with how quickly I was over it.

What was your favorite board game as a child? Haha dude I actually REALLY liked Mall Madness, even though I hated shopping irl. I don't quite know why I enjoyed it as much as I did. Also worth mentioning are various Cranium games, specifically Balloon Lagoon. Those games were legendary. Ashley's kids have been getting into them in recent times, primarily because Mom gifting them various ones; they have a lot of fun with Hullabaloo especially. By the way, those fuckers got INSANELY expensive, at least the ones from mine and my sisters' childhoods.

When are you going on vacation again? Don't know. I've been thinking for a while now though, IF I finally get a fucking job by this summer (because it's my idea and I wanna take care of it financially), I think I wanna go on a daycation or so with Girt to a hotel by the beach and just watch movies and play games together, stay there for a night. Neither of us actually like the beach itself, but I LOVE staying in hotels and seeing the view, at least. We really don't have "us" time enough or really go out much, and I think it'd be really good for both of us.

Who did you last have an alcoholic drink with? Sara. Or maybe Mom? Idk.

Who was the last person you were under the covers with? Girt. He didn't stay the night, but even when he doesn't he tries to stay with me until I fall asleep.

Has anyone ever told you you have pretty eyes? Yeah.

Name something great that happened today? My mom DIDN'T get fucking killed in a car crash very nearly caused by her technical stepfather who should in NO universe be on the road.

How many different people of the opposite sex have you really cried over? Two. Well, romantically anyway; I've definitely cried over my dad when he left. Hated his guts for years.

When was the last time you saw your father? Lol nice timing. Uh, I wanna say Emerson's bday party in February. Pretty sure.

Do you tend to make relationships complicated? I definitely don't think so.

Have you ever met any bands/band members before? in absolutely tragic news, no.

Who does most of the chores in your house? My mom.

Do you have an ensuite bathroom? Mom's bedroom does.

Have you ever been to a chiropractor? Did you like it? No, hopefully it stays that way.

Do you know how to set a formal table setting for a 3+ course dinner? No, and I absolutely could not give less of a shit. Just eat your food while keeping your surroundings clean, this "formal setting" shit is so unnecessary.

Are you in a good mood today? I have been SO up and down, idk man. I've been way more irritated than I am on a normal day, and at literally nothing.

Have you bought a bag of potato chips in the past week? No.

Do you know anyone who’s struggling with addiction? Yes. And people who have died because of it.

Did you ever go to daycare as a kid? For what I'm pretty sure I remember being a SINGLE day. One employee spanked me simply for going into the wrong room (I had no idea I wasn't supposed to go in there) and were just generally mean and super rude; I VERY barely remember the details, but I recall enough that I was extremely upset. The only thing I do remember other than that other detail is some woman holding me while I sobbed my heart out until Mom came in. She left fucking furious and I never went there again; I'm pretty sure this is when our neighbors started watching me and my sisters.

When you go to a restaurant, do you prefer to sit at a booth or a table? Absolutely booth.

Has your car ever been broken into? I've never had my own car, but I'm quite positive no family car ever has been.

How old is your oldest cousin? Hell if I know.

Who was the last person you congratulated or said “well done” to? What for? My acquaintance I used to kinda regularly take pictures for, Bethany; she had her daughter yeeeesterday I think, all the while having the flu. She'd felt like death prior, so her induction date was delayed, but the baby said Nope and was suddenly here lmfao

What was the last show you watched an episode of? Dark.

^And which character in that show do you relate to, or identify with most? MAN IDK everyone in this fuckin show cheats and lies and there's also a GINORMOUS character cast that I very barely keep track of (I would be lost in this show without Girt, like it's just too complicated for me alone), I'm not even TRYING to mentally go through everyone. I'm super into it, don't get me wrong, it's just absolutely absurd how complex and tightly knotted its plot is.

Do you have any medical appointments coming up anytime soon? I constantly do, I'ma be real. I know I'm getting labs done on Monday, then I'll be seeing the endocrinologist when those results come in. Therapy should be coming up soon, too. I would not be even remotely surprised if there's more within the next two-ish weeks. I also go to PT twice a week, but idk if you count those.

Do you say "I love you" to anyone daily? I know Girt and I do. If Mom ever leaves the house without me, she also says it, but that doesn't happen every day.

Do you know anyone named Vanessa? Tell me a little bit about this person. Yes. The vast majority of the "alt" kids in high school knew her because she was the one very obviously emo African American in our school, and I feel like I remember her being pretty outgoing?

When was the last time you felt unable or unwilling to speak your mind to someone? Today, actually, and I've realized I really need to bring this up in therapy; I plan to next visit. Just lately my mom has been absolutely fucking awful about getting so annoyed about me forgetting various things and also just answering genuine questions I ask her like I'm a complete fucking idiot and it's really affecting me. She's done this forever, but it's just been worse lately, I guess because my memory only ever seems to get worse, but also life has just been busy. It's mostly upsetting me just because I KNOW my ability to remember and also just process information in general changed greatly post-trauma, which is apparently a legit thing, and it makes me feel like total fucking garbage. I already think I'm dumb as shit, I don't need my mother contributing. It's not like I ever choose to forget appointments or where she has to go today etc. etc., but she constantly acts like I'm making a deliberate choice and it's become extremely hurtful by now. I don't want to bring it up outside of therapy because I know what happens when you disagree with my mother or point out something wrong she's doing: she gets defensive as shit and takes it as total disrespect.

Are you more likely to give advice or to ask for it? Ask for it.

Do you like Tootsie Rolls? They've never been a candy I've sought out. I can have like one if it's offered to me and it's whatever, but I don't like them, really.

What is your most expensive bill? I don't pay my own bills yet and it's fucking humiliating by now.

Do you sleep alone or with someone every night? Wish it was the latter, but alone on the vast majority of nights. Girt and I are both really ready to just live together but that fucking housing market though. He's been stressed lately about his mom and her wellbeing falling so unevenly onto him when he has an older sister, and it's completely fair for him to feel like it's just unfair sometimes, because the balance between him and Ashley keeping her afloat does seem alarmingly uneven. I'm not gonna delve deep into his family business here, the gist is just he wants to be able to live like a "real" adult with his own life. I've been more aggressively looking for work than I already was because of all this, I want to be able to help.

What are you favorite kind of chips? Typically hot ones, like hot crunchy Cheetos or Takis. I've actually been craving hot chips TERRIBLY for a lil while now, I want Takis so bad lmao. I also really love Cool Ranch Dorito's.

What color is your mousepad? It's black. Super old, though. I'd actually like to get a new one that I like, but that's very low on my list of priorities.

Has anyone you know been arrested recently? Uh not that I know of.

Where is your favorite person? He's home now, work's over for him for the weekend.

Are there any plants in your house? Mom has a couple, yeah. I think I'd like to get at least one for my room when I redecorate.

Have you seen the entire Harry Potter series? I'm very grateful I never got into that, JK Rowling can rot in hell with all the other TERFs.

Do you still have both of your parents? Yes. I don't see or talk to my dad a lot at all, but he's still there.

Do you enjoy cuddling? If you're Girt and I'm not hot, yes. Once I'm notably hot, I barely want to be touched.

Have you ever had a pregnancy scare? Not one that was even remotely realistic because I was literally a virgin lmao, look when you have a very legitimate pregnancy phobia the dumbest shit will make you scared.

Do you ever suspect your significant other of lying to you? I honestly don't. He's given me every reason to trust him.

Does anyone you know ever recommend books to you? No.

What made you feel cheerful today? Nothing. Really not into how my mood's been today.

[scattered-winter]

thank GOD the week is finally over i did sooo badly taking care of myself this week

[khaleesiofalicante]

This is going to be a rant, sorry...

So, last week or so I found out I have a weird sugar thing my body and I need to take some meds for it. Those meds are supposed to help, but they also come with a lot of side effects, like I feel exhausted all the time (I leigh had to sit and take several breaks while doing chores because I got so tired) or getting easily frustrated or angry, nausea, headache and stomachache, etc.

And besides that, I had to stop eating everything with sugar, or things not "healthy", reduce my eating habits, etc...

So, of course, with the meds and the no-sugar-on-my-body thing, I felt so damn tired and I had no energy. I could literally sleep all day and it wouldn’t matter bc I was still tired. I slept on some classes even.

Its not like something horrible but it still kinda sucks. Magnus is right I guess. The universe drives a hard bargain with side effects..

Also, my family tries to help (and I do apreciate that so much) but sometimes they just kinda make it worse by making this such a great deal for everyone

Exams also start next week so I add that to the stress, besides all my grandmother's problem that just has my whole family in tension

And I also hate being tired bc I was finally adjusting to some kind of rythm and I was having more motivation for other activities like writing and I kinda lost that too

But it's not all bad. There are some good things, like..

I had started to write the outline of the main story I'm writing, and I guess I can continue from there (thats why I haven’t posted the short ones, I have them ready but I haven't gotten myself to sit and post them jdhsksks)

Last Friday I went to the cinema with my sister and it was awesome (She also had a really shitty week so we both felt better)

I have Heartstopper as comfort lmao

I feel a little less tired, my body is getting used to it I guess

Oh and I have had a lot of no-school-days bc of different celebrations. I am free on Monday and Wednesday next week!!

So yeah, it hasn't been great but its not that bad. Sorry for the rant, I just wanted to get this of my chest. And I guess I love making lists jdhdjsjsk

How are you? How are things going there? Please stay safe and I really hope it gets better soon!! Sending you all my love💙

I can absolutely empathize. I was diagnosed with something similar (not sugar - but histamine for me) and I was on medication for 13 months.

It really fucked me up - side effects wise. But I can promise you that it gets better. Your body kind of gets used to it. Sleep schedule can get messy so kind of keep an eye on that!

Also all the "i have to be careful with my diet cause it can get me sick or inconvenience other people" can sometimes make you not wanna eat (it did for me) so be mindful of that. It really helped me to make lists (loool) of things I can eat without worry, eat but have to be careful with and should not eat at all unless i wanna die oops. Maybe work on something like that - because I shared it with my family and it helped them relax a little too.

Adjusting to medication is a nightmare but it really helps to have some Sarah and Tony from other stuff. I'm glad writing is helping you! Whatver you write and whenever you post it, I will eat that shit up istg.

I haven't gone to the movies in a while because of the curfew and conflict but I'm glad you got to go out with your sister. Hope you have fun!

Heartstopper >>>>

I hope you enjoy the off days. Promise me you will something that will make you grin a little.

Things are very bad here. Still. But the good thing is that young people of our country are working together and created something that is historic and monumental by challenging the government. It's all very overwhelming. But I'm getting by for now.

SENDING YOU LOVE 💙

[mrsmarlasinger]

TW:

drugs, disordered eating, weight loss mention, calorie mention

What the fuck. So on Sunday night/Monday morning, I tried to do my monthly robotrip. This is only like the...ninth? time I've robotripped, but I've gotten it down to an exact science. You don't even know.

Like, I have alarms set on my phone that I turn on when I'm robotripping, because I space out my dosing in twenty-minute increments over the course of 210 minutes so I don't get sick (though I literally never get even the faintest trace of nausea on DXM anymore 😎) or have a DXO spike, and because I also take a RoboTab after my first peak in order to peak twice. Overall I always dose the equivalent of 310mg HBr: ten 15mg gelcaps and four RoboTabs. I start dosing at 2 AM with the gelcaps first, because they kick in slower than Tabs, and dose the freeb last.

I even have a schedule in my notes app that outlines how long come-up will take, when the euphoria will set in, when DXO conversion will start, when I'll peak, etc. Those scheduled times have always come within 10–15 minutes of reality.

Like, I cannot emphasize enough how predictable my robotrips are. It took me a trip or two to work out my exact dosing regimen and tripping timeline, but it's worked EXACTLY as expected for three trips in a row.

I also don't allow myself to build up any tolerance, so I always take a four-week break in between trips, and I follow that rule religiously—I'll trip a few days after my four-week tripiversary, but not even one day before.

The one time I noticed tolerance was in November of last year, when I was very loosely committed to one-week-per-plat and took a dose that, six days prior, had gotten me to lower third plat. Trying that same dose less than a week later barely got me to mid-second, so I took an eight-week t-break that successfully reset my tolerance.

Anyway. On Sunday night, I ate about four hours before I started dosing. I know you're supposed to robotrip on an empty stomach, but I haven't previously noticed any effects from going just four hours between eating and tripping. Prior to dinner on Sunday, I had not eaten for over 48 hours and had only had plain water. I'm anorexic, etc etc.

Now, I've lost weight since my last trip, so if anything, 310mg should've hit me HARDER than last time. But it just WASN'T working. I was barely even high. Around the time I should've been peaking, I took two extra RoboTabs (in addition to my usual post-peak one), as well as another an hour later. So I ended up on 430mg. For reference, 310mg gets me well into third plat. The most I'd ever taken before Sunday (aside from my crazy nightmare trip, which was 400mg + a 10mg indica edible) was 375mg.

An hour after my third extra RoboTab (freeb takes half an hour to start hitting for me), I didn't want to take any more DXM because it's dangerous to redose too much. But I was still barely high, so I took a dropper (~3mg) of THC tincture, since I knew from my nightmare trip that THC potentiates DXM. Didn't really work, so over the course of the next 45 minutes, I took two more droppers of tincture. Was now on 10mg THC and the equivalent of 430mg DXM HBr.

The tincture did work and I started to feel some of the usual robotrip effects alongside the THC effects. I ended up getting hellaaa high (though not as high as 310mg has gotten me before) and a little dex-holed, and I spent all of Monday sleeping it off.

However, it was very unsatisfying. I feel as though I wasted my monthly robotrip. What the HELL.

There's only two factors I can possibly imagine causing this. First, I took Wellbutrin for three weeks. However, Wellbutrin isn't supposed to inhibit DXM; on the contrary, it synergizes very very well with dex and I think even potentiates it. Also, I've only taken Wellbutrin once in the past FIVE WEEKS, so it's literally not even in my system anymore.

That leaves the other potential factor, which is, I suspect, the actual culprit: the two-day fast. Now, I would expect that fasting would actually make DXM hit harder, since, unlike THC, I don't believe it requires fats or anything to absorb, IIRC. However, I've had a high come on weird like this once before.

That was on 4/20, when I took the same THC tincture. It normally hits me like a truck and I've actually gotten OEVs within like fifteen minutes of taking a single dropper before. However, I hadn't eaten for about three days before 4/20. I ate shortly before I started dosing, but after 10mg (usually my max) and an hour and a half of waiting, absolutely jackshit was happening, so I popped a 10mg Dablet and waited a little while longer before giving up and going to bed.

And yes, I did wake up EXTREMELY high from those 20mg and it took me a full 24 hours to come down. But it was the same scenario as my robotrip: fasting for days, eating shortly before dosing, not getting high after ample wait time, taking more and more, and finally getting very high after taking an excessive dose in frustration.

So, in short, what the actual literal unironic fuck. I suppose I can understand this phenomenon when it comes to THC, where you do have to have something in your system for it to work, but DXM? Why?

I truly don't believe it can be tolerance or anything like that because, as I said, I have experience with this exact dosing regimen and t-break length. Aside from that time in November when I shot up my tolerance by breaking the week-per-plat rule, this is the only one of my robotrips that is a genuine outlier, and I just don't understand why.

Maybe I simply overate after days of fasting and had too much in my stomach. That is a real possiblity. I restricted the number of calories I ate on 4/20 (triple digits) and it still inhibited my high, but again, you do need something in your system for THC to absorb. So maybe my dex high was inhibited for the opposite reason on Sunday. I think the last time I ate so soon before robotripping, it had just been popcorn or something.

I don't know. I'm pissed. Just in case I do have a tolerance, I think I will skip my robotrip next month and take an eight-week break instead, goddammit. Aside from that, I will trip only if A) I have eaten every day for at least two or three days prior, and B) it has been at LEAST 6–8 hours (but less than 24) since I've eaten, so the food will have hopefully left my stomach.

I am admittedly tempted to take a rather large dose next time so I can skip the whole brouhaha of THC and redosing if I haven't solved my issue, but I don't want to overdo things if I have solved it.

And now that I write all this out, I do think a too-full stomach was very likely the issue. If I still believe that in a month, maybe I won't skip my robotrip after all. I don't know. We'll see.

Still pissed that May's trip was wasted!!!

[jackelynsimagines]

Cheater *Harry Styles* Part 1

A/N- trigger warning- self harm and if anyone needs help with anything or any advice don't be afraid to ask.

I'm taking requests so if you want one done just comment your name and a story plot.

I just got home excited to tell Harry my boyfriend of two years, about my promotion. I walk through the door and I suddenly see all these clothes scattered around. I notice that the clothes on the ground were not mine. I start to hear strange sounds coming from mine and Harry's bedroom upstairs. As I walk up the stairs I start to get really nervous.

Was he cheating on me?

As I get to the bedroom door I hear moans and groans. I open the door and I see harry on top of some blonde bimbo!

"Harry, what the fuck" I yell

"Babe" he yells getting off the bed and trying to put his boxers on.

"Why would you do this to me" I asked tears starting to form in my eyes.

"It's not what it looks like" he said

"Then what the fuck is it?" I yelled walking to the closet.

I pulled out my suitcase and started to pack my bags.

"It was a mistake" he said, his voice cracking as he spoke.

By now the girl had already gotten dressed and left.

"Why are you lying to me? What did I do to deserve this? Was it me? Did I do something?" I spoke, tears rolling down my cheeks.

"No baby, your perfect." He said trying to wipe my tears away.

As he did that I flinched away from him and zipped up my suitcase. As I got up I looked at him and saw he was on the verge of tears.

"I am so sorry" he said

" yeah? Well you should of thought about that before you went and cheated on me." I said starting to walk downstairs and to the front door. But before I could open the door harry runs down stairs and grabs my wrist to stop me from leaving.

"Let go" I said starting to get angry

"No" Harry said trying to be strong.

"LET GO OF ME!" I yelled

"Please" Harry said as he let go of me. "Don't do this"

I grabbed my keys and walked out of the door getting into my car. As I started the car and backed out of the driveway I saw Harry running out the door screaming my name

"(Y/N)" he screamed

As I was driving down the road I saw him sit on the ground and put his head into his hands.

"Now where am I going to go?" I thought to myself. As I was driving I saw this hotel so I decided to just stay for a while till I get back on my feet.

I went inside the hotel and I went to the front desk to check out a room. When I got my key card I went to my room and just laid down on the bed. As I was looking at the ceiling a sob slipped past my lips and then there I was sobbing because of what harry did to me.

Harry P.O.V

Why am I such a fucking idiot? Why do I fuck up all the good in my life? She's never going to forgive me and now I have no one.

As I'm crying I start to throw everything in my path until I see the photo of our first anniversary on the coffee table. I slide my back against the wall until I am sitting with my knees pressed to my chest.

I don't get it. Why do I feel so much pain? Why did I ever cheat on the love of my life? I'm worthless. I don't deserve her forgiveness.

Your P.O.V

It's been 2 weeks since I found harry cheating on me and I have had nightmares of the incident every single night. I also have not been able to do anything since it happened I haven't been outside for what seems like forever. As I am about to go to bed I hear a knock on my door.

"Coming" I yell

I walk to the door and I open it. Someone I was not expecting was at the door.

Liam.

"What are you doing here" I asked

"I just wanted to make sure you were alright I heard about what happened with you and Harry and I'm worried about you two." He said

"Why are you worried about Harry he's the one that cheated on me!" I stated

"Believe it or not he's not doing so good right now. He hasn't been sleeping and we always have to have one of the boys watching him because we are afraid of what he might do."Liam said

"What do you think he is going to do?" I ask

"Honestly I think he might hurt himself. He hasn't been the same since the incident."

Was it true? Is he doing as bad as me right now or is he just saying this to help Harry?

"Well what do you want me to do about it?" I ask

"Maybe you go over there to get closure, you don't have to get back with him just please sit down and talk to him" he says

"Fine but only talking" I demand

"Okay, get ready and we will go" Liam says

I get up and go get an outfit before I go to take a shower.

As I'm washing the conditioner out of my hair I start to wonder if he is really doing as bad as me. I'm nervous about how this is going to go.

I step out of the shower and I start drying off as soon as I am done doing that and getting changed I start to blow dry my hair and once I'm done with that I decide to just leave it natural and not to wear any makeup because I know it will just go to waste.

As I walk out of the bathroom I see Liam sitting on the bed on his phone.

"Ready?" I ask

"y-yeah" he says

"Are you okay?" I question

"Yeah I'm fine" He says

"Well let's go"

"Okay"

A/N- this was originally in one part but I had to split it up into two parts because it was too long anyways I hope you guys enjoy!:)