#i always get sick in december/january </3

[arcadian-vampire]

I have a Signature Scent (tm) now. It's ginger and lemon.

Not for a cute reason like a favorite perfume or anything- no, in my chronically ill desperation I dropped $60 on essential oils + a necklace to diffuse them 🤧 Ginger tea wasn't quite Enough to take care of the soul-crushing nausea, but having the smell of it on me at all times now has really ridiculously helped

So it's the signature scent of Unexplained Chronic Illness, wahoo

[romana-after-dark]

Cry Harder

Dark!Joel Miller x fem!reader

Masterlist : Taglist (NEW TAG LIST)

A follow up to Keep Cry'n, but you don't need to read it to read this. But you do need to read the warnings lol.

For my event, Dead Dove December which is still open until January 1st, and there's no sign up! Plenty of time to join <3

Summery: While keeping you captive, Joel's sex drive is insatiable, and the sex seemed to be never ending. You tried to warm him you needed to use the bathroom... he didn't listen.

Warnings: DEAD DOVE DO NOT EAT. Non con. Piss kink. Dacryphilia. PIV sex, oral f!recieving. Smoothing via pillow. Threat of murder, threat of necrophilia (Joel's just trying to scare her.) little smacking. Degredation, daddy kink.

Immersabilty: Reader is fem.

1k works

A/N: I'M BACK!!! I'll chat a lil more in the notes at the bottom and be sure to read the housekeeping but thanks for sticking around <3

You don't have to like piss kink but don't make fun of me okay lol

Support writers! Reblog and comment

******************************

“That’s it baby, cry harder”

As if you had much of a choice. Joel had you here for 2 days by this point, and the man was fucking insatiable. He had explained to you, not that you asked, that he goes in and out of “shifts”, essentially. For a few weeks, he raids and stocks up on all he needs. Then, if he’s got somewhere decent to stay, he’ll take a pretty girl for a week or so and just go insane on sex, food, and any drugs or booze he could get. You were well fed at least, and sometimes Joel let you take a few hits of weed or sips of alcohol to numb you, but other than that he wasn’t giving many mercies.

It had been hours at this point, no refractory period except sometimes to go have a smoke, but 5 minutes later he came back hard and thrusting into your swollen lips.

You were exhausted, spread out naked on your back as Joel knelt before you, thrusting. You just wanted it to be over, sobbing into the pillow you pulled over your face.

“Awwww, little babies embarrassed? Wassamatter, little baby, don’t want me to hear you moaning again?” Joel taunted you with a laugh. He liked laughing at you. He did make you moan, that was the embarrassing part. Joel wasn’t necessarily trying to make you cum, but he did get giddy and gleeful when the stretch of his cock was enough to make you orgasm.

You weren’t entirely sure that’s what was happening right now, but something was off. “Joel…” You whine into your pillow. “My stomach hurts…”

“Why -thrust- the fuck -thrust- do I care?”

“It feels funny…” You hoped maybe he’d stop if you were sick. Not that he cared about your well being, but rather he wouldn’t want you getting sick all over him. Or maybe he was into that. 

“Just shut the fuck up and -mmmph- just fuck’n take it. Always fuck’n whining like you got a hard job.” Joel smacked a tit, making you whimper and clench down.

Then you realized what the feeling was. “Joel, I gotta- MPH!”

Joel shoved the pillow into your face. “Tired of your fucking voice. ‘Joel I need this, Joel I need that!’” He mocked you in a high pitched voice. “Just shut the fuck up before I smoother you and use your cold pussy instead. Bet the rigor would tight’n you up a bit.”

Fresh tears wet your pillow as you wriggle, trying to keep quiet. You needed to pee. Or maybe you were going to cum. Joel had gotten you pretty drunk this time and his dick jamming into your cervix made everything a little hazy, but you needed to pee, and you needed to pee BAD. Still, the struggle to breath was the first concern. It wasn't cutting off all your hair, but it was getting difficult.

You tried to warn him, but Joel simply kept the pillow over your mouth and he filled you up again and again, thick cock stretching you so far you weren’t sure how you were supposed to be any tighter, but men were never satisfied. The pressure continued to build and suddenly you were very confused; was this an orgasm, pee, or both?

Joel was growing erratic above you, and you wondered if he got off, if this would be it for today. You tried to hold it back, never wanting Joel to have the satisfaction, but the combination of the feeling and Joel in your stomach were too much. Unconsciously, you let go.

Joel stops, not pulling back enough to pull out but enough to see you and you release the warm liquid onto him as you cum. “Oh shit” He chuckles. “Did you squirt?” You remove the pillow the your face to catch him looking at your sore cunt as the liquid isn’t stopping and he realizes what was happening. “Ohhhh fuck!” He says gleefully, thrusting into you with renewed vigor.

“That’s it baby, piss on my cock, ooooooh yes, fuck yes, pee on daddy’s fuck’n cock, mmmmm god, gonna- fuuuuck, gonna cum, gonna cum in daddy’s little piss baby.”

You cover your face with your arms as you cry, sensitive as all hell from cumming hard as you relieve yourself, humiliated but knowing he’s close. Just gotta power through.

Huffing, Joel pressed his hand down on your lower stomach, pushing out more pee as you yelped.

“Goooood DAYUM!” Joel shouts loud in your ear as he cums inside you, filling your tired pussy with his cum.

Joel falls on top of you, laughing, his heavy weight nearly as suffocating as the pillow was. A light chuckle turned louder as he laughed harder and pulled away. As Joel pulled his cock out of your soaked folds, he was all but cackling, derangement in his eyes as he looked at the disaster that was the shitty bed you slept on.

“Such a messy girl…” He eyed your cunt, and you whimper. Joel didn’t go down on you. This was for him to get his dick wet, nothing else…

But soon, his mouth was between your legs, lapping at the mix of cum and piss and sweat between you two, his beard a rubbing irritant against your puffy skin. “Such a pathetic little girl” He muttered between breaths, rutting himself against the bed, and you knew he was hard again. “Fuck’n weird, can’t even keep from making a mess of yourself” He growls, licking you clean. “Fuck’n- ohmygod- fucking disgusting little piss Wh-who-oooooremmmm.” Joel came against the bed, just as you were about to come again, and pulled away.

You can’t help the way your body wriggles as the “Nooo” You whine, ever so quiet. You hated how much he made you want him sometimes. 

Joel giggles, awfully pleased with himself. “Nah, baby, I’m done with you for now. Maybe next time you’ll learn to appreciate when I give you this cock.” 

Butt naked, Joel exited the room, telling you to clean yourself up. “You smell.”

*************************

TW depression, skip to the bold for romana housekeeping

I havn't posted much outside an occasional Blessed Be the Fruit and if you follow my main, you kno why. This semester has been incredibly hard on me, a genuine deep depression i han't experienced in a long, long time. It was awful. I nearly hospitalized myself a few times and I should have but I am american and not insured. I was not safe, and was a danger to myself.

Yet, somehow, I managed to get my course work done and I finished the semmester on friday ;-; now i have 2 weeks approximately off from work which isnt ideal but hey, traveling and shit. Then for about a month I'll be working back at day care again before coming back for second semmester soooooo im hoping this free time will allow me to catch up on writing and reading

Housekeeping

As linked above, this is for my event dead dove December! It's for the Oscar Isaac/ Pedro Pascal fandom, and we got so many fun entries including lots of Joel, some triple frontier (santi AND frankie) William tell, and soon some Jack from mojave, rydall keener and more!! Would love for you to join me! if you dont wanna write but like dead dove, search #deaddovedecember2023 I didn't realize at the time there was a similar event for the bucky barnes fandom but they have the same hastag, so if you like bucky, check them out too!

Also, i'm gonna be working on a new series once Blessed be the Fruit and a few on my main end, a dark!triple frontier. Check out the coming soon info, and comment if you'd like a tag!

Be sure to join the new tag list, as i changed my tag options just a little!

@m0nster-fvcker @miraclesabound @fandxmslxt69

[3terna15unshin3]

Then Because She Goes

Instagram AU (volume i)

back to masterlist — volume ii — volume iii

a/n: I really wanted to add more visuals to the TBSG universe so here is a the first part of my Instagram AU!!! This volume is full of 'posts' that would've occurred during the span of the fic, future volumes will include ones from the time jump before the epilogue and maybe even after that too :)) lmk what u think! AND try to spot all of the tiny references to the fic i added 😝😝 love u

—

Liked by este.manansala and 102,009 others

trumanblack Taken on jamieoborne’s Leica

View all 239 comments

rass1975 You look sad

↳ trumanblack What’s so bad about that mate

xfallingforyoux_ furry vibes ? jk

29 July, 2018

—

Liked by g3orgiaheadley and 154 others

este.manansala Favourite doorbell in Stockport

View comment

_catekeeling what are u doing in stockport get out of there

↳ Liked by trumanblack

19 September, 2018

—

Liked by 1975adam and 297,632 others

trumanblack Proud of this one the1975 #abiior

View all 959 comments

este.manansala Huge

↳ Liked by trumanblack

t_rumanb1ack ALBUM OF THE YEAR

30 November, 2018

—

trumanblack added to their story

Send message

20 December, 2018

—

Liked by rass1975 and 310 others

este.manansala do NOT go to a the1975 show. all they'll do is play a really fantastic set but then not play your favourite song and the frontman will swear at you via selfie when u complain about it

View all 2 comments

trumanblack Must be mistaken, I would never flip off a woman

_catekeeling best night ever kinda

24 January, 2019

—

trumanblack added to their story

Send message

24 January, 2019

_

Liked by trumanblack and 211 others

este.manansala 50 years🌟

View all 4 comments

trumanblack Flo + Jose 4ever

↳ Liked by este.manansala and _catekeeling

g3orgiaheadley A beautiful night! So happy to be there!

↳ este.manansala They love u sm😭

10 February, 2019

—

este.manansala added to their story

Send message

21 February, 2019

—

Liked by radvxz and 288,702 others

trumanblack Still wiggling round on stage but now I'm 30 (📸: jordhughesphoto)

View all 659 comments

bedforddanes75 Bday boyyyyy

r0bbers.stanx HAPPY BIRTHDAY MATTHEW!

templetonabigail hbd king

este.manansala Put the tongue away damn

↳ Liked by trumanblack and rass1975

↳ este.manansala But happy 30th <3

--↳ trumanblack Not taking unsolicited tongue remarks rn

1975adam Old

8 April, 2019

—

Liked by bedforddanes75 and 356 others

este.manansala I thought this was a silly little cat book but now I'm sick with optimism and a general appreciation for life

View all 2 comments

trumanblack You're always sick with optimism

↳ este.manansala was trying to seem angsty & existential, sue me

25 April, 2019

—

este.manansala added to their story

Send message

24 May, 2019

—

Liked by dirtyhit and 218,555 others

trumanblack Manchester for the day

View all 377 comments

bedforddanes75 That poster is brutal my god

iliwys42069 who is the girl tagged????

↳ trish2ledrew Idk I think a friend of the guys, they all follow her and shes from Manchester

↳ r0ssbassface matty has liked her posts since summer of last year lol and commented on a few too

2 July, 2019

—

Liked by its.not.1iving and 1,006 others

este.manansala Turned 28 last week, still been told off by my mum bout the piercing

View all 24 comments

_catekeeling SHE'S 28!!!!!!!!!

↳ este.manansala SHE IS!!!!!!

trumanblack Sexy bull vibes x

↳ Liked by thismustbmydream and 23 others

↳ este.manansala That won't rest my case with mum, matty

-- ↳ trumanblack Sorry

10 July, 2019

_

Liked by este.manansala and 325,099 others

trumanblack Yes I did say another album will be out this year, yes we're working on it, yes I regret telling you lot when it would be out bc it will probably take much longer than that

View all 244 comments

este.manansala Nice hair

↳ trumanblack Thx can i have ur number

1975adam We’re trying I swear

thankujodiverycool how much longer are we talking..

2 September, 2019

—

trumanblack added to their story

Send message

6 February, 2020

—

Liked by g3orgiaheadley and 2,882 others

este.manansala lolo is 76 !

View all 11 comments

rass1975 Happy birthday lolo

trumanblack Legend

g3orgiaheadley HBD Lolo (i NEEEED this food omg)

↳ trumanblack It was the dream tbh u should’ve been there

_catekeeling 76 has never looked better

3 April, 2020

[exilethegame]

Writing Update (11/28/22)

Hello everyone!

Unfortunately on Friday I had the wonderful pleasure of catching the flu. On one hand, I've been stuck shivering and coughing all day. On the other hand, my fever-induced psychoses gave me wonderful material to write with in the future.

Because of that, I wasn't able to get much done this week, though I was able to get a jump on some scenes before I got sick!

This past few weeks I've managed to write 5k words making Chapter 5, pt. 2 51k words long!

As of now I'm working on Sabir + Nikke's scenes simultaneously so I can bounce back and forth between them whenever I get bored. The scenes are "simple" enough when compared to Vethna + Amilia's that it's easy for me to do and usually allows me to write a bit quicker since I won't be able to run into writer's block this way!

Ideally, I'll be able to finish both of their scenes by the midpoint of December, but we'll see. I also then need to revisit Amilia + Vethna's scenes to add in extra dialogue + flavor text based on things MC might've done if they went to speak to Sabir/Nikke first, since I find it enjoyable when all the characters acknowledge one another.

Once I get this check-in scene finished, I'll then be able to move onto chronological + companion scenes, which should be pretty smooth sailing. I put on the tumblr's actual website (it might only be visible on a computer) an estimated release for Part 2 which is Quarter 1 of next year-- so anywhere from January - March 2023. I feel confident about that window and will likely shrink it down to more specific dates the more work I get done.

That's all the main stuff! I also included some vocabulary down below for what I personally mean when I'm referring to the "check-in" scenes and such for those of you that are interested. Otherwise, that's all, and thanks for reading! :)

Chapter 5 (Part 2) Progress Scene 1: Linear Scene 2: Hobbies (Finished -- 10/10 Branches) Scene 3: Hobbies Scene 4: Check-in (50% -- 1/3 Branches) Scene 5: Chronological (75% Done) Scene 6: Chronological Scene 7: Companion Scene 8: Companion

Check-in: A check-in scene is when MC is given the choice to speak to the characters "one-on-one." MC can always choose what order to speak to the characters in, but otherwise it breaks down into two more subtypes.

A Check-in 1, which hasn't been seen in-game yet but will be in Part Two, requires MC to speak to every NPC before the scene can go forward. There may also be certain dialogue choices with each character that must be picked in order for the scene to go forward. In scenes like this, main-plot information will be included as every MC will be forced to see it regardless of their relationships or personality.

A Check-in 2 allows MC to choose who they speak to, sometimes under a condition where MC must choose a limited amount of characters to speak to. This means sometimes MC will be able to talk to everyone with ease, and other times (Like in the War Room) MC will be forced to choose who to speak to out of 2 or 3 characters. These type of check-ins will be more common, and they'll also contain information important for side-quests. They'll allow MC to built up trust/respect with characters even if MC + them don't get along, which will then get them to tell MC more about themselves... which, chances are, will open up some unique storylines in the future. The "side-quests" will open up additional scenes for MC in the future where MC can influence how they end, and the ending of these side-quests will then influence the main story (usually). They're not required-- and sometimes MC not getting involved can even be better-- but they're there!

Companion Scene: A companion scene is when a single scene can include any given character in it-- meaning in some playthroughs the scene will have Vethna in it, in others it will have Amilia. So essentially I'm rewriting the same moment of time several times over again for every companion who could be in it. The character who will be in the scene can sometimes be chosen by the player directly-- other times it will be a matter of what MC's relationships are. Sometimes a scene is limited to being with MC's romantic partner or best friend, other times a scene can be played with anyone who MC is amicable with, other times a scene can only be played with whoever MC has the lowest affinity with, etc. It's the closest in style to a classic sort of IF structure-- "You're tired and lonely, only one person comes to your mind to spend time with. That person is..." type of beat.

Hobbies Scene: A hobby scene is a scene that changes depending on what MC's hobby is set as. For example, an MC whose hobby is cooking might have a scene where they're helping make dinner for the group at night while another MC whose hobby is exploring might be sneaking out and climbing things they probably shouldn't be climbing... Sometimes these events will be done with companions as well! Not always, of course... otherwise I would have to be writing 60 variations of scenes which is... not possible <3

Chronological Scene: I just use this to reference a normal span of writing where the scene doesn't vary based on relationships but on choices. So I'm only writing variations for the choices you make as MC-- not for the stats that are behind the scenes! These types of scenes are significantly easier to write than the ones above. Even though I'm needing to write the multiple ways a scene can play out, it's not quite as repetitive as the check-in scenes are, nor do they take as long to finish as the Companion + Hobbies scenes.

Linear Scene: I don't write much of these in comparison to the others, but it's exactly what it sounds like. These tends to be scenes from other character's POV where there are no choices-- and, if there are choices (Like the Freedom removal scene in Chapter 5 pt. 1) then they don't have any actual affect on the scene and how it plays out. These are incredibly easy to write, and usually I'm able to finish them in a single sitting!

That's all for this week. Thanks for reading! :)

[circusmania]

Vague request but, if your still accepting requests

Maybe you could write something about Shaun Gomez from The Smile Tapes, but like, from the perspective of one of his friends? Can be during any event.

════════════════════════

Notes: Thank you for this request 🙏 This is what I was made to write

Muah muah 𓇼

════════════════════════

December 04, 1994 I dogsat Max for Shaun today. He had told me he needed to go out and get groceries, and he didn't want to leave Max alone. Understandably.

Shaun had told me Max had been acting weird and wasn't his normal self. Max hasn't been barking at all, “he's been very quiet” is what Shaun had told me. This was very unusual for him since Max was a very loud dog, he was always barking at anyone/anything.

I suggested to Shaun to take him to the vet when he gets the chance. He told me he would tomorrow.

As I was dogsitting, Max would constantly stare off into space. But I guess dogs do that sometimes? Though, that wasn't the oddest part of my day. Once Shaun came home, he was covered in a white powder. It kind of looked like flour…

When he was moving, the powder would fly into the air, and I fear I might've breathed some in. It was only a little, though, Shaun might've even swallowed some.

December 05, 1994 This morning, Shaun was telling me of a dream he had gotten. One where he was “flying through space” and then “saw a man”. If you ask me, that sounds really creepy.

December 05, 1994 Shaun had another dream. He flew through space and then saw the man again… only this time he was smiling?

I'll be real, I don't think it's normal to dream of this stuff. Call me a conspiracy theorist, but something isn't right. I told him he should talk to a professional.

Oh! And what joy, Max is barking again! I'm glad he's feeling better.

December 11, 1994 Shaun is starting to annoy me with his dreams.

I've begun to feel more and more angry these days.

But who wouldn't be when all you hear from your friend is his space journeys and his encounters with the man?

I DON'T CARE.

December 12, 1994 I'm worried about Shaun.

He's called in sick a lot, and he's been complaining about having painful migraines. Also, something about his face twitching?

I hope he and Max are all right.

December 16, 1994 AGAIN WITH HIM.

It's always about HIM.

I'VE been having migraines, I'VE been having face cramps, but you don't see ME bitching about it!

December 17, 1994 I'm glad he went to the doctor. Hopefully, the pain meds will make him feel better. :)

December 18, 1994 The pain meds seem to be working for Shaun.

He's been smiling.

It makes me feel pretty upbeat as well.

December 22, 1994 Max is dead.

I don't feel well.

December 25, 1994 Christmas!

I can't help but feel joy and happiness each time I turn a corner.

Shaun looks happier too (which is a bit weird since Max died only 3 days ago). He didn't like it when I told him he looked joyful.

What is wrong with him?

Why can't he suck it up?

December 26, 1994 Shaun hasn't talked to me at all.

But that's okay.

I don't need him.

I'm happy on my own.

January 01, 1995 I turned on the TV for New Year's, and I was met with the most grotesque joyful news.

What a way to start a new year.

You're in a happier place now, Shaun.

Thank you for putting a smile on my face.

════════════════════════ Video reference:

The SMILE Tapes vol. 1

[dreamersbcll]

“Ink Blots”

for @krikeymate

3/5

——————————————————————————

May 19th, 2018

Dear Sam,

Two years. Two whole years. You got up and left. No surprise. I’m still where you left me.

Every day I wake up, and there’s five seconds of bliss before I remember. You’re there for a heartbeat, nothing more. I can almost feel your breath on my cheek and your hand brushing through my hair

I can picture it all. You are holding me, your chin buried into my shoulder. I am holding your hands as they wrap around me. It’s imprinted on my brain.

Amber tells me every day that I need to move on. That you’re long gone. That when you were here, you were never really here. It’s like a broken record.

Yet, She’s right in some ways. You always chose any other substance but me.

But I don’t want to admit that she’s right. She would take it and run. I love her, but she’s a little too intense sometimes. We’ve watched the Stab movies every night since you left like clockwork. I don’t get it.

Please come home. The back door is always open. I don’t lock my bedroom door anymore. You can slip in.

Love, Tara.

——

June 15th, 2018

Dear Samantha,

Formal right? I found your birth certificate and some other documents today. Well, Amber did. She looked through my shit earlier, claiming she “wanted to see if you took your personal information.”

Spoiler: you didn’t. But I don’t know why you would. I’m pretty sure just a driver’s license is needed to disappear.

Anyways, I put your shit into a box and hid it under the floorboards. You’ll find it one day, I’m sure.

I couldn’t find my information. Maybe I’m not a Carpenter. That would be something, huh? Being able to escape this hell family line.

A girl can dream.

Tara Carpenter (maybe).

——

September 27th, 2018

Dear Sam,

High school sucks. Sophomore year sucks. I hate this place.

I don’t want to do anything. I hate math. I’m not good at history. I can’t remember shit.

All the teachers give me looks. Looks of sympathy, disgust, suspicion. I think they recognize the family name. School wasn’t your thing, but it would’ve been nice if you didn’t fuck it up for me. I can barely keep up with the shit they throw at me.

The only one who’s forgiving me is my English teacher Ms. Smith. She has kind, gentle brown eyes, just like yours. Surprisingly, she’s the only teacher who believes in me.

We read books a lot. She helps mentor me in critical writing skills.

Who knows. Maybe I’ll write a book and make us famous, just like that Gale Weathers lady.

Tara

——

November 16th, 2018

Dear Sam,

Do you ever wonder if Mom was ever good? Did we make her this way?

Did I make her this way?

I’m so sick of cleaning up broken bottles and piles of puke. I’m so tired of watching her wither away right before my eyes. I can’t even save her. I can’t tell her to stop. I can’t get her to stop.

Begging and pleading never worked. Trust me; I’ve been trying it with you every night. I think God, or whatever deities I pray to, stopped listening years ago.

It’s strange. First, Dad leaves. Then you. And now Mom had her foot halfway out the door. Is it me? Do you all leave because of me?

What the hell did I do?

Confused, Tara.

——

December 14th, 2018

Dear Sam,

Sweet sixteen. Happy birthday to me. Not that you cared.

Mindy and Chad decorated my locker. Amber bought me flowers and a cake. Ms.Smith gave me a new journal. Mom went on a business trip to Singapore.

And… I’m sixteen. I have a handful of people that care. But they don’t matter. They don’t fucking matter.

I want you, Sammy. You promised to teach me how to drive. You promised to take me for my license. I’ve had to learn how to drive with Amber. And she’s taking me for my license tomorrow. Everything you were supposed to do.

But I suppose this is what you wanted. You would’ve come back if it wasn’t.

I hope wherever you are sucks. I hope you feel my disappointment and anger from here. I’m furious with you. I hate it.

I love you. I love you. I love you.

Tara

——

January 1st, 2019

Dear Sam,

I’m drunk and I miss you and I wish you were here I wish you loved me I want you to love me come back come back come back

Love Tara

——

February 18th, 2019

Dear Sam,

I got picked for the school newspaper—advice column. I laughed in Ms. Smith’s face when she offered it to me.

Advice column. As if I would be the one to give advice. I can’t get anyone to stay.

Did you hear that Robbie Sullivan asked me on a date? I said yes. He never showed up to the theater. Amber was pissed. He came to school the next day with a broken arm and fractured ribs. He said some asshole attacked him.

Funny. Amber talked about a scene in the Stab franchise where someone gets ambushed and hurt. Seemed familiar.

Anyways. School is slow, and life is passing me by. Chad is a big-shot basketball player. I haven’t gone to a game. I can’t stand being in a room full of people and feeling so alone. Mindy is okay with it. She comes over sometimes to braid my hair and make my bed.

Everything is in slow motion. Time is passing, but not at all.

Do you feel that way?

Tara.

——

April 4th, 2019

Dear Sam,

I’m doing fine. I’m regaining all my strength and self-worth in record time. I brush my hair most days and even clean my room once a week.

I stopped going through the photos I kept under my bed. I feel no need to reflect on the past right now because that’s all I can do. There’s no future when I know you’re out there ignoring me.

Maybe even forgetting about me.

I joined a club. A book club. It’s nice just sitting there and letting people’s opinions swallow me whole. I can listen and nod, and everyone leaves me alone; because I’m not moping around anymore. Amber is happier anyways. She was so angry with me for being sad all the time.

Jokes on her; I’m still sad. But I can’t lose anything else anymore, so sadness is a wasted feeling. I can walk for hours in the darkness, stay up all night, pray, and it still wouldn’t matter.

You are still gone, and I am here. I might as well try.

Tara.

——

May 19th, 2019

Dear Sam,

Three years.

I don’t know if I have any tears left to cry for you. I’ve accepted that I’ll never see you again if you could help it.

I hope that once I’m out of this town, you come back, looking for me. And when I’m not there, you understand how it feels.

I try not to be mean. But this is what you wanted, isn’t it? An escape from me. You were leaving me before I could infect you with whatever darkness swirls inside me.

No explanation comes to my mind besides the one where you’re sick of me.

I don’t blame you. I get it.

Love, Tara.

[slexenskee]

Hey :)

I like your playlists and I found lots of new songs that way. Would you mind posting your spotify wrapped? I'm curious 👀

This just... made my year??? Omg thank you???!

Ok plot twist I don't actually use spotify 😅 I must be the only person on planet earth that switched back to an iPhone so I could use my iTunes again... but yeah I don't use a streaming service, but I do have my most played for the year! I uploaded it here - its on my instagram as a highlight reel!

For people who don't / can't access gram:

Most Played Songs by Month:

January: Mob by Eve

Shockingly my only Eve song for the year?? Last year I had like 3. Fight Song by Eve, one the CSM EDs, was my second most played Eve song but wasn't quite in my January Top 10

February: Shiki no Real by Chanceデラソウル

Suuuper groovy future funk remix of Shiki no Uta, the Samurai Champloo ED and one of my all time favorite/most played songs in my life lol

March: You Know How We Do It by Ice Cube

I go through a huge Dr. Dre/Ice Cube/Snoop phase every year and I'm not embarrassed to say it lol (also yes these are color coded by seasons bc my iTunes top playlists are separated by seasons idk why and yes that I am embarrassed about)

April: When Your Ex Says He Wants You Back by LTB Remix

I have no idea what the real name of this remix is?? I know it's a remix of When Your Ex Says He Wants You Back by Surface, but idk which one. On a related note no idea how I managed to get a full version, the only one I've found online is this version at the very beginning of this big mix

May: Deep Down by Neverdull

I will never pass up a song that samples Crystal Water's Gypsy Woman, and I am also a massive fan of everything Neverdull has put out, so it was no surprise this was my most played song when I discovered it and was in the Top 10 for several months after

June: Blame Brett by The Beaches

Omg man did I get obsessed with this band after this song. Also a huge fan of their other single Me & Me.

July: Disco by Surf Curse

I don't dislike Surf Curse but I don't listen to much else from them but this song, that always ends up on my Top 10 lists during summer. idk what it is but it's such a great beachy vibe for me. I genuinely cannot go to the beach without listening to it several times

August: Slingshot by Good Kid

Good Kid is actually my top artist of the year, and I'm thrilled to see it. It's really rare that I like so many songs off of a band's discography, and I think I have every single one of theirs. Also in my Top 10 for August was Alchemist, Osmosis, Tell me You Know, and No Time to Explain from them.

September: Honey by ID Chief

My favorite kind of future funk is when the original song isn't so spliced you can barely hear it, but there's still enough remix involved to really modernize the disco.

October: North Wind by Six Lounge

Shockingly enough I didn't actually listen to Ao no Sumika - arguably 'The' J-rock song of 2023 - very much even though I like that song a lot. I think I just can't handle my own feels, and tbh, as far as J-rock for this year goes I liked this ED from MHA more? I think the hook is just a little smoother and catchier imo.

November: From the Start by Good Kid

While I also love the bossa nova vibes of the original Laufey version, this cover is soooo freaking good. It definitely has summer anime OP vibes and there's actually an AMV using the first JJK S2 opening that gives me so many feels.

December: Standing Next to You by Jungkook

Ooof ok I'll come clean here I used to love k-pop back in 2014 and kind of got sick of the genre after EXO and F(x) broke up and was never into BTS or any of the new K-pop acts. But man this song slaps. I'm obviously a disco fan and there's some major disco grooves in this song

[phansterdam]

let your spotify predict your 2024! shuffle your on repeat playlist, and the first twelve songs represent your 2024

i was tagged by @wenn-ich-tanzen-will, thank you so much!! i always forget to do these but i actually did one on time for once!

january: nooit meer spijt - s10 and froukje

february: motion sickness - phoebe bridgers

march: what i want - muna

april: hell of a ride - fizz

may: naar het licht - froukje

june: 3 o clock things - ajr

july: hot mess - dodie

august: the one that got away - muna

september: can't get enough - big time rush

october: as good as it gets - fizz

november: uproot - naaz

december: erop of eronder - pommelien thijs

okay so i'm noticing a trend in that a LOT of these songs are breakup songs soooooo that's not a good omen for my relationship i guess

tagging @deathclassic, @homoerotisch and @girlbossbehaviour, as well as anyone else who wants to do it!

[kart0]

I was looking for a job. And then I found a job. And heaven knows I'm miserable now. So I quit after two days

So... I've been meaning to get an internship. And my friend just quit one so I applied to the same job ( teaching children 1-3 year old ). And I didn't get any reply. But then suddenly, on Sunday, they send me a message asking me to come on Monday and work there.

Not even an interview.

Alright I guess. Lucky me ! Their intern suddenly quit after one week. My friend quit previously after working for a month there.

And then I go on Monday, it's alright, I meet the kids, there were only 7 kids but one didn't go cuz he was sick so ok 6 kids only.

Its alright I can work with that, 30 days only

And then today, Tuesday, I talk with the owner of the school and. Ah. That's the catch. She wants me to work til December. Plus I have the shittiest day ever. Good thing I got to experience hell on the second day. Also, I got peed on twice yesterday and it was still fine.

There are literally so many wrong things with this place, they dare to call it a school. Not kidding I felt like dying today. I really considered killing myself or getting ran over just so I wouldn't be able to physically go.

List of wrong things:

1- The school opened this year. It was inaugurated on January.

2- Theres only one class, with 7 children. The youngest is 1 and a half. The oldest is FIVE. Yes they're in the same class.

3- Unused classroom ( big waste of space and resources for the children ) bc there's not enough children of that age enrolled ( they're supposed to be 5yo )

4- Toys of the unused classroom are sized for babies 2-3yo

5- One teacher only

6- No structure at all

7- The school owner is an English teacher, wanted to make a bilingual school for children. Doesn't speak English well - her pronunciation SUCKS ( she bragged about going to England when younger )

8- School owner is a zootechnician.

9- School owner said her classrooms were always "domesticated" instead of peaceful her words not mine

10- School owner has never taught children before

11- School owner brags about making kids independent and having more autonomy, but won't teach any of them on how to properly use stairs ( we have to carry them up and down instead of letting them use the properly sized handrail specifically made for them )

12- No documentation shown to me

13- No certificates anywhere to be seen

14- Purely disgusting behaviours allowed, not a care in the world about germs, or hygiene

15- No documentation for the internship program - they would just deposit money ( which is not much but it was fine for me ) as a salary

16- Kids clearly struggling with lack of attention and care ( again, only one teacher )

17- The oldest one not being stimulated enough, activities are boring and he just doesn't fit the class

18- Me having no specific job and having to do everything ( this is ok bc I'm more of an assistant ) but then them expecting me to be a second teacher ? I have no experience with teaching, specially 1-3 YEAR OLDS. We still need to change their diapers ?????

19- School owner saying gen z is lazy ( she's 53yo ) and there's a reason why they don't get hired

20- School owner saying it takes around 3 months to get used to the job ( conventionally the period I would work there)

21- School owner wanting a bilingual school but having no method of teaching specially young kids ( children don't understand us plus they're so young a lot of them don't even speak properly so we have to use Portuguese anyways )

22- School owner saying she doesn't believe in gender equality

23- School owner only working there on Tuesdays and Thursdays

24- Teacher not being able to control the class - School owner said that she wants people with authority ( I don't blame the teacher she's actually really nice but you can see she's struggling to make this work. Clearly she's the only one who cares and I think she feels like she's trapped there )

25- School owner not properly changing a kids diaper ( with poop ) ( somehow poop got smeared on the clean diaper and now there's poop everywhere )

26- School owner harassing my friend who worked there ( biggest reason why she quit )

27- Me getting hired without an interview

28- Me getting hired with a terrible terrible and empty curriculum

29- Me getting hired to work and care for 1-3 year olds when I am an art student. And was supposed to focus on art activities.

I'm not getting paid enough for this, and I don't care enough because they don't care enough

Like, I'm not upset or anything. I'm just. Gobsmacked. It's so bad. Everything is wrong. I didn't even list everything. I just worked there for two days.

I care about children, I like children, but I specially like when children are able to go to the bathroom alone and be able to communicate with me. I like when they can speak. I want to be a person who can be there for them, and hear them. I like when they try to explain their thought process to me.

How am I supposed to figure out how to deal with literal toddlers and babies.

Like. This school clearly has problems.

It doesn't surprise me every intern keeps quitting, it's just absurd.

So after two days of working, I sent them my three days notice. I said I'm only going til Friday and then that's it, thanked them for the opportunity and everything. I should've said I wouldn't go there anymore and period but part of me felt bad for the teacher so I said I could finsih this week so that they have time to organize and try to search for someone else. But I was too stupid I should've just said bye. I can't believe I still have more three days. I want to die.

I even said I didn't have to get paid I don't care. like whatever man I just don't want to be there anymore.

Ugh. I feel defeated. Nothing ever goes right with me how am I this unlucky. But I should've seen all the red flags .. I should've listened to my friend, I feel bad that I underestimated what she told me. I thought I could ignore everything. I just wanted hours for my graduation. And I won't even get any hours even after working for barely a week. Which makes sense logically

I feel so weak too. But I can't stand seeing what's going on. Because unfortunately I actually do care and it's just absurd. I can't. And I know there's nothing I can do to change and im powerless and basically going to get harassed and exploited. I don't think I care enough about the children.

Ugh. And worst thing, I will never find an internship. This was my only option and my only chance and even if I changed my mind I can't just say "oop nevermind School Owners Name I actually want to work here" and then quit after a month 😭

I need to sleep anyways, I need to wake up early for tomorrow's class. I'm kinda ashamed of going how am I supposed to look anyone in the eye. I let them down. Like hell me I have to put me first but like. Damn. They just know I'm gonna quit.

But like dude I'm not trained for this I don't want to learn with actual babies when there's no structure at all can you imagine how am I supposed to make mistakes what's going to happen if I actually make a mistake which is inevitable ? Since I have no experience no training no knowledge and I'm basically having to guess

Anyways. Wish me luck for the rest of the week.

[sleepingnova]

Estrangement.

the feeling that you do not belong, especially if you are around a group of people.

pairing : sawamura daichi, sugawara koshi, azumane asahi x reader (Poly ship)

summary : With daichi and asahi's birthdays being only a day apart, it seems like both boys have the birthday blues. Reader is a bit on the stoic side, very chill and not very emotional. Both boys are sadge :(

warnings : A bit of swearing, mentions of smoking, familial issues, mentions of being depressed, mentions of being suicidal

genre : angst to fluff (hurt to comfort)

author's note : I thought of this last night, a small scenario that fits perfectly for a specific few headcanons I have for both boys. With that being said, enjoy. btw I rambled, a lot in this. It's long as shit. So for all my readers who love long angst, here you go. *kith* :>

As the clock hits midnight, the stars twinkle above you. The day shifts from the 31st of December to the 1st of January. You had already given your present to Daichi, and now was Asahi's turn. The three of them walked onto the balcony with you. The strong smell of marijuana from your bong could be smelled from your room.

"Hello, my love." The oldest one of the 3 spoke softly. You could tell something was wrong, he sounded like he had a hitch in his throat.

You blew out the smoke from your mouth and inhaled it into your nose.

"Hello, darling boy, happy birthday, my sweet boy. What should we do later today for your birthday? I know, let's go out for lunch, for yours and daichi's birthday. I know we went out yesterday for your birthday, 'mura, but I just like spoiling my sweet partners, is that so wrong?" You rambled on, your words slowing and slurring around just a little because of the marijuana.

You leaned in for a kiss towards Azumane, but was stopped.

"Um, why don't we head inside, it's a little cold. I don't want you to get sick." Asahi spoke, just barely above a whisper.

You nodded and walked back inside your room. Once you sat back down onto your bed, you spoke up.

"Alright, I may be high, but I'm not an idiot. Asahi, you sound and look like you've been crying, 'mura, you too. What's wrong? I'm always here if you need to talk to me, you know." You spoke, placing your lighter and bong on your dresser.

"It's nothing, really sweetheart, we promise, just Dai and I have been having a few issues. We just don't want to bother you with them. We know when you smoke, you aren't in the right mental headspace." Asahi replied.

You sat up and put your things away.

"Well, no not necessarily, sweetheart. I'll always have time to listen to you. Go ahead, tell me what's going on in those pretty minds of yours, both of you. Koshi, you're welcome to vent to me if you would like as well." You explained.

Asahi sighed hesitantly, and began. "When you look at me it's like you don't see me. I fell in love with you the moment I saw you, but you've changed so much, so now I feel like I don't know who you are anymore."

He looked around the room, practically at everything but you. Your gaze was set, tears forming in your eyes and your throat closing as he continued, "What happened to you, my love? Where have you gone? I miss the old you, please, if you're in there, I want you back. I need you back. Come back to me, please, darling." His eyes were glossy and filled with tears, until he looked at you while glancing around and was filled with regret.

He never meant to make you cry, he never wished to be the cause of your tears, but there you were. The silence that followed was suffocating, both of your minds racing, you were speechless, had your weed addiction gotten that bad? Could you even call it an addiction?

Sure, it was your mind - numbing thing, you used it every now and then, and everything that happened in that time was mushed around in your brain. What had he seen? Was there more to this than you thought?

You reached towards his hands, but he pulled them away. He slowly reached back to intertwine your hands together. "I need you to tell me what you've been seeing. Please, what have I been doing wrong? Talk to me, don't be scared, you're not going to hurt my feelings by being honest." You were wiping your eyes, your mind was spinning and you felt like throwing up.

His thoughts and mind were racing, his first instinct was to comfort you, to tell you he was sorry and that he loved you. But you said that he should be honest right? He's always honest, but maybe this time he was too honest?

His hand rubbed against the back of his neck as he thought about just giving in. He knew this was best for a relationship to thrive, communication, it's just he didn't think it'd be so... empty of love or warmth. He pondered continuing, but something just told him to keep going, and get it off his chest. He felt like he couldn't breathe.

"I don't know.. I just feel so invisible around you now. Whenever I'm here, I try and be intimate with you and hold your hand and stuff, but you always push me away." He recalled, as he watched and felt the grip of your hand tighten around his.

"You've never shown signs of not liking pda, so what changed? Whenever I talk, I always get the feeling that you're not listening to me. You don't come on dates anymore, either, and it's not just me who's noticed that one." He was bringing up point after point and you didn't know what to do or where to begin to explain that this is all just a big misunderstanding.

"My anxiety is eating me alive right now, and I never want to ask this, ever, and God, I hope it isn't true. Tell me I'm overthinking, please anything. You're all I have left, baby, please don't you leave too." He sobbed, his throat closing and he coughs. After what feels like forever in silence, he begins to speak again.

"I'm just going to ask before I puke, have you ever fallen out of love with us? Has there ever been a time where you stopped loving us? If you have, I understand, but please, I'm begging you, I'll get down on my knees if I have to, please don't leave just yet. I've lost just about everyone and everything, I can't lose you too. Not yet." He sniffled, his heart skipping beats and his breathing heavy and rapid.

His tears fell onto your hands as you looked at him, with your eyes and mouth open in shock. Every heart warming memory replaying in your mind, each one longer than the last. This was it. You had waited for so long, for someone who would love you as an equal, who'd treat you with respect, someone who wouldn't use you, whether that be for your intelligence or body or anything really. You had a grasp on it, and it was...over? No, it can't be over, not after you wasted so much time trying to find it.

Your tears kept falling and your throat kept closing, your silent words falling on deaf ears. After a while of silence, you held your head up to face him. His eyes searched yours for some sort of comfort, some kind of sign, something that told him that this was all a mistake.

Your depression had gotten the best of you, which was why you started smoking in the first place. Just to make life a little easier to bear. It prevented you from going out and being social, from being you. The one Azumane cherished and loved so dearly.

"I- No." You stumbled, not knowing where to start. There was so much you wanted to say, but you never knew how. Your throat started to open up again as you breathed, and with that, you tried to explain to him why you were the way you were.

"I was diagnosed with severe depression a couple months ago, and it hasn't been the best. The antidepressants make things worse and I feel like I am outside my body. I've smoked before, and it felt good, so I thought it was the best option. I didn't realize how much it was hurting you." Your tears were falling, but you decided to get everything out, it was now or never.

"It came to the point where I couldn't get out of bed, I would go days at a time without brushing my teeth or showering. I wasn't just depressed, I was suicidal. I didn't want to go through this everyday. I was put on suicide watch twice in a month. I hated everything part of it, and I wanted to see you guys, I thought that would make me feel better, but I realized I never told you guys." You continued to explain as you saw all of their eyes widen at you in horror and guilt.

You hesitated before continuing, "It made me so sad to see suga posting and texting me pictures of your dates' and all the stuff you guys would do and I wasn't able to be there, much less respond. They'd take my phone while I was there and I couldn't get it back until I left."

You coughed and caught your breath, before speaking again, but sawamura stopped you.

"Babe, stop. You don't need to keep explaining. We are so sorry. We never knew you were going through so much, but please, if something like this happens, tell us please." He desperately whispered, his tears falling down his face as he walked over to you. He sat down and gave you a hug, snuggling his face in the crook of your neck, sobbing out apologies.

You felt your heart beating in your stomach, as you ran your fingers through his hair, trying to calm him down. You turned your head over towards asahi, who's mouth was open, but nothing came out.

You shook your head before whispering, "Don't apologize, none of you need to apologize to me. This was my fault. I owe you an apology, asahi." You said before clearing your throat, and resuming.

"My dear asahi, I am so terribly sorry that I kept this from you and led you to this false narrative of myself. I was too lost in my own head to be able to communicate with you about what was going on. I'm so sorry for making you feel invisible or that I didn't love you, I am not using my depression as an excuse, so please don't think I am. I want to be clear when I say this, and I want all three of you to know this: I have never fallen out of love with the three of you, I swear it. I have never thought about it or will in the future." You sniffled as you rambled on but finally concluding your apology.

Azumane and Sawamura looked up at you, their eyes bloodshot and puffy, as they both squeaked out the question, "You promise?"

You replied without a second thought, "Yes, for eternity. I will love all of you until we're old and gray and we look like raisins."

They all chuckled softly, asahi and sugawara coming over to embrace the two of you.

"This has been a lot of back and forth, can we please rest? We can go out for breakfast as an official first date into our renewed relationship." Koshi declared, the two other boys nodding in agreement.

You glanced over at your window, so much time had passed, and the sun was just starting to come up. You looked at your clock, which showed 5:47am.

After staring into the darkness of your room for a couple of minutes, you were brought back by asahi intertwining his hand with yours, but when you looked over, the three boys were all fast asleep, entangled in each other's arms.

After sleeping the day away, you all slowly but surely got up to get ready for your date. You got dressed and freshened up, brushed your teeth all nice and clean. As you looked in the mirror, you couldn't help but stare in shock.

Asahi came up behind you and looked in the mirror with you, a small frown forming on his face.

"What's wrong, my love?" He asked, kissing your cheek.

"Is that me? That's me. Oh my gosh." You sniffled. It had been so long since you actually were excited about dressing up and putting on makeup.

"Yes, darling. It's you and you're so beautiful." He replied, pulling out his phone.

"What're you doing?" You questioned, as you saw him look down at his phone.

"Hm? Oh nothing, just making sure suga and daichi are ready to go. Let's go, shall we?" He asked, holding his hand out.

You smiled, a genuine smile, and he could see your face light up, something it hadn't done in a while, and he just melted seeing how excited you were.

"Daichi? Baby boy, you ready to go?" Azumane called.

"Dai?" He tried again after hearing no response.

"Let me go see what's taking so long." He stated, walking away from you and sugawara.

Daichi was in the bathroom, fixing his shirt collar when he just happened to look into the mirror. Had his face gotten fatter? He looked like he gained a lot of weight. His family was right, he did lose track of himself.

'No, no it's fine. I'm okay, I look fine. But, my face looks so fat and chubby. Who am I kidding? They wouldn't date me! Not like this. Maybe I should just stay-' He was pulled out of his thoughts by Asahi knocking on the door.

"Hey, you okay in there? Do you need any help?" He asked, while walking behind him, his hands sliding down his waist, wrapping around Daichi's hips.

"It's nothing, it's just.. Does this make me look fat? Does my face look chubby? God, I look so ugly, what am I thinking." Daichi muttered, turning his head away in shame.

Asahi's eyes widened, he had never heard Sawamura be so concerned about his looks.

"What? No, babe, you look so handsome. You look perfectly fine. Yeah, your face is a bit chubby, but so is the rest of you, which I love and I wouldn't change one bit." Asahi replied.

"My family was right, I should lose some weight. It doesn't look good." He retorted, dropping his head in regret.

"Baby, listen to me. You said yourself that you prefer being chubby than having an athletic figure. We're going to support you no matter what you want to do. You shouldn't listen to what your family says, they're not always right, ya know?" Asahi responded, cupping Daichi's face in his hands.

Daichi smiled softly, and leaned his head onto Asahi's shoulder. He hummed softly, before standing and kissing Asahi, as a thank you before walking back towards you and Sugawara.

Asahi smiled, and walked over.

"We should take a picture! Something to remember!" Sugawara chimed.

"We all look nice, why not?" You added.

You all went outside and stood in front of your house, the sun shining brightly.

Asahi grabbed his polaroid, and aimed it perfectly.

"Alright, everyone, smile!" He said while hopping into the photo.

The camera clicked and the photo looked perfect. Asahi slipped the photo into his phone case and hopped into the car, along with the three of you, ready to start fresh.

For the first time in a while, you felt good. You felt..happy. You felt like you again, the one that they fell in love with.

They wouldn't have it any other way.

hope you guys enjoy, comment "bee" if you got this far, this was a bit long.

[kiwi2229]

My 2024 (spotify's version)

Let your Spotify predict your 2024! Shuffle your on repeat playlist and the first twelve songs represent your 2024!

thanks for the tag @steveahoi <3

So let's see how this year will go (please give me something good):

January: Softcore - The Neighbourhood

"Aren't we too young for this? Feels like I can't move."

February: The Beach - The Neighbourhood

"I'm sick, and I'm tired too. I can admit, I am not fireproof"

March: Sorry - Halsey

"So I'm sorry to my unknown lover. Sorry that I can't believe. That anybody ever really. Starts to fall in love with me."

April: Like All My Friends - Francis Karel

"I don't mind my empty bed. But sometimes I get lonely."

May: Drop The Game - Flume, Chet Faker

"You're in the wind, I'm in the water. Nobody's son, nobody's daughter."

June: Don't Go Insane - DPR IAN

"We've came so far, only to go insane" (Definitely not obsessed with the breathing part used in Jegulus tiktoks)

July: Birthday cake - Dylan Conrique

"But I think she'd want you to live like the world's on fire."

August: Ain't Met Us Yet - Matt Cooper

"I've read all of the books under romance. Hopin' to find you some day." (Not sure why, but it always reminds me of Jily)

September: Dust It Off - The Dø

"If you hold on to that past, don't you lock yourself inside." (Have you guys watched the movie I Origin? you should.)

October: Stay - Gracie Abrams

"Could you hold me without any talking? We could try to go back where we started". (Regulus to James when the war is coming.)

November: Coraline - Måneskin

"Coraline vuole il mare ma ha paura dell’acqua"

December: Run - Taylor Swift, Ed Sheeran

"Run from it all. We can go ahere our eyes can take us."

Not sure what to make out of this list... I guess we will have to wait and see.

Whoever wants to do this trend, just go for it! <3

[josefavomjaaga]

Brun meets Napoleon in 1813 (1)

In the appendix of the "Cahiers" written by Soult's aide-de-camp Brun, there are various documents that describe events from the perspective of Soult's staff officers. I thought some of it might be quite interesting, for example the account of an audience (I believe, his third) that Brun had with Napoleon in Paris in January 1813 – i.e., after the Russian campaign, after the evacuation of Andalusia and after the mutual accusations between Soult and Joseph. Among other things, Soult once again asked to be relieved of his post.

The report is rather long, so I will have to divide it into several posts.

Colonel Brun de Villeret to Marshal Soult, Paris, January 1813

I was announced to His Imperial Majesty at 7 o'clock in the evening on 30 December. He was at dinner, He immediately deigned to order that I be introduced, and I found myself in His presence, while He was at table with the Empress, with the King of Rome on his lap.

Which, admittedly, was already one reason for me to post this. I’ve so often voiced my doubts about those happy father-son anecdotes featuring the King of Rome that I feel obliged to post about me being proven wrong by Soult’s favourite aide 😁. (Though I also would like to state that this obviously is not a truly private occasion and that the presence of the Imperial heir may have served a political purpose as well. So there.)

I was greeted in the most gracious manner. His Majesty began by asking me for news of Monsieur the Duke of Dalmatia with the greatest interest, and immediately getting down to business, he asked me to give him details of our last campaign.

Because nothing whets the appetite more than a tale of battlefields with lots of corpses. Right, Marie-Louise?

I spoke in the presence of the prefect of the palace, the women of the King of Rome, pages and servants, and I confined myself to reporting what could be published in the gazettes; I spoke of our situation in Andalusia, the scale of our operations, the good administration of the country, the regrets caused to us by the loss of such a beautiful province, and finally of the advantage we had gained from our depots and the eighteen months' pay which Monsieur the Duke of Dalmatia had given to the army.

Because carrying the money with us to Valencia, only to hand it over to Joseph and his Spanish administration, was out of the question, of course. - Well, at least the soldiers under Soult’s command had received their salaries, from what I have gathered from Joseph’s correspondence, that was not always the case.

I described the difficulties we had encountered in the mountains of Murcia, the dangers of crossing the rivers, our good fortune in escaping yellow fever after being slightly affected by it, and finally the satisfaction felt by the Duke of Dalmatia in having left only 300 or 400 hopeless sick men in Andalusia and in having brought 6,000 of them to the first places occupied by the army of Aragon, nine-tenths of whom should now have recovered perfectly.

And presumably Brun talked about the retreat, its problems and eventual success at such length because he correctly assumed that Joseph had complained to Napoleon and to Clarke and anybody else who would listen about Soult’s retreat from Andalusia having taken too long.

During my account, the Emperor gave me several signs of great satisfaction. He asked me where the King was, and on my reply that I had heard, on leaving Valladolid, that he had arrived in Madrid on 3 December, he asked me: "Wouldn't it have been better for him to have stayed in Burgos?"

Which is probably Napoleon’s way of saying: "Okay, yellow fever, mountains, rivers, got it. Let’s get to the juicy stuff. Have your marshal and my brother already come to blows yet?"

I replied that I had many things to say to His Majesty on this subject; He understood that I could not explain myself in the presence of so many witnesses, and, changing the subject, he asked me various questions about the siege of Burgos, to which it was all the easier for me to reply, as during the four days that I had been forced to stay in this town, I had examined in the greatest detail the place, the work of the besiegers and that of the besieged. I paid a tribute as glowing as it was disinterested to the defence of the garrison, and as dinner was drawing to a close at that very moment, I was able to spend a few moments with the King of Rome, with whom His Majesty wished to amuse himself, and whose form and constitution He deigned to have me admire.

And that’s a nice way to end. I find it interesting that Brun mentions Napoleon’s son so often in an official report to his marshal. But I guess he saw the fact that Napoleon talked to him about the little king as an additional honour, which in turn reflected well on Napoleon’s attitude towards Soult.

Or maybe they just loved to talk about kinds, like apparently all French militarymen 😊.

[compassionatereminders]

It's longer and longer between my bursts of activity on Tumblr, but when I do come on here for a bit again I gotta pop by your askbox! Hi, hello, long time, I think of you regularly, and hope you are well, all of that.

I've had an AWFUL December. I hate Decembers! Decembers and Julys are like, biggest traumatown months for me, and today's been particularly bad as I've been alone and sick a lot. January will be financially rough, then February... holding out hope for an upswing in February. How is the winter treating you?

On lighter note I've acquired more squishmallows and the number of soft things everpresent in my bed is increasing at a steady and pleasant rate. Very good. Squish. I keep echolaliaing "squish! squish! squishmallow!" over and over while squishing them. One's a large crab in kinda splattered rainbow colours, and one's a pastel coloured medium size platypus. The platypus beak fits perfectly in my hand. Grabbing it is very nice.

Last we talked you were occasionally doing art and walks on the beach, I think, and were struggling a fair bit. I hope the next year treats you well <3

It's always lovely to hear from you! I'm sorry about the trauma struggles, and I really hope life eases up on you soon. I am struggling too, and I just had the flu, but I am getting back on my feet in various ways and hope to make something decent of 2024. When you do stop by tumblr, please send me an update! You are still one of my favorite people here. Oh, and it's nice to know that I'm not the only one pursuing joy through mountains of stuffed animals! I can barely go anywhere without somehow acquiring a new soft friend for my collection

[bellenthigale]

HOLLY JOLLY CHRISTMAS

Christmas is a joyful time of year filled with family get-togethers‚ love‚ and joy. The sound of holiday music‚ exquisitely adorned trees‚ and dazzling lights are what spring to mind when you hear the word “Christmas”. Family gather together to exchange presents‚ share meals‚ and create priceless memories during this time. This time of year is a good opportunity to remember those who are less privileged. To achieve it‚ you can volunteer at a charity‚ spend time with the elderly or lonely‚ or give to those in need. Small acts of kindness like this have the capacity to change someone’s life and improve their day. During this time‚ people freely share love‚ joy‚ and compassion from the bottom of their hearts. It is an opportunity to celebrate life’s little joys and express gratitude for what one has. People feel pleased and fulfilled when they practice thanksgiving because it encourages them to be content with what they have right now and to look forward to the future with hope and optimism. Christmas is more than just a season; it’s a feeling that brings people together and creates lifelong memories. This holiday season‚ let’s enjoy the pleasure of Christmas and spread it to others around us. As the popular Christmas song declares‚ it is‚ after all‚ the most joyous time of the year.

It is the most beautiful time of the year‚ a day full of celebration‚ love‚ and pleasure. Yes‚ Christmas is finally here! This is the fantastic occasion that is loved and enjoyed by people from all around the world. FEARNOTs‚ Fimmies would love to wish you a happy holiday! This year will finally bring us the chance to love and be loved‚ to share blessings to everyone‚ and to spread happiness and kindness across humankind. This day is often spent with our entire family‚ whether it be through a party‚ meal‚ vacation‚ or even a christmas hangout. However‚ there are some individuals are unable to participate that is caused by a number of reasons‚ such as their preference to spend the holiday in their own homes or they live far away from their families. No matter how far away or how difficult the circumstances are‘ there will always be a way for us to enjoy this special day with our loved ones. Even if we can’t celebrate with our family‚ our friends who are with us alone may rejoice with you. Besides‚ Christmas is a season that never ends; nothing can change the fact that it is already eternal. It will always exist. Do you agree with me‚ FEARNOTs? I doubt that you don’t. I hope that FEARNOTs are all enjoying this holiday to the fullest. We only live once‚ as the adage goes. I feel really fortunate to be spending this Christmas with the other members‚ Kkura언니‚ Chaewon언니‚ Zuha‚ and Manchae. Having members like them makes me very grateful. Nevertheless‚ December delivers winter weather to South Korea in time for the festivities. December has an average high temperature of 37°F (3°C) and low temperature of 19°F (-7°C)‚ ranking second in terms of yearly temperature‚ behind January. FEARNOTs‚ always remember to wear thick clothing‚ drink hot beverages‚ and everyone must remain warm at all times! As a result of the current chilly weather‚ let’s all take measures to stay healthy and avoid becoming sick.

Embraced by the timeless allure of long black dresses on Christmas Eve‚ we‚ LE SSERAFIM‚ dazzled the red carpet of SBS Gayo Daejeon 2023 with our modest yet chic look. SBS Gayo Daejeon 2023’s line-up included several idols‚ including AESPA‚ ITZY‚ IVE‚ NMIXX‚ NEWJEANS‚ STRAY KIDS‚ THE BOYZ‚ ENHYPEN‚ STAYC‚ (G)I-DLE선배 and many more. The event took place at Inspire Arena in the evening of December 25‚ 2023. We began with an astonishing and breathtaking intro to our performance‚ which was followed by a rendition of our recent popular song‚ “The Eve‚ Psyche‚ and the Bluebeard’s Wife”‚ before concluding with a festive rendition of our holiday remix of “Perfect Night”. During this year-end event‚ each of the artists showcased their holiday‚ christmas‚ and other versions of their published songs‚ and they all did amazingly well in each of their performances. Bravo to all the artists that did exceptionally well covering songs by our 선배s in the k-pop music industry‚ it was a job well done. I’m positive that 선배s were certainly pleased with the performance they displayed because it was honestly an outstanding performances. You guys might want to see the performances on SBS Gayo Daejeon 2023‚ videos of some performances are already available on YouTube under the @SBSKPOP channel. I’m certain that you’ll gratefully acknowledge each performances.

[itsallsternutation]

Berni's Burny Nose Part 3: A Change of Season

Part Three Wheeeee!

I'm sorry this one took a bit longer for me to publish. I had a lot of stuff come up. Anyway, here's part 3 (also on SFF, same place as before)

Berni's Burny Nose Part 3: A Change of Season

Ever since she started being sneezy, Berni thought she would hate the seasons for the rest of her life. Spring was the month where it had all hit her, and the southern pollen sure hadn’t helped. Ever since her diagnosis, Berni had always sneezed and sniffled and sneezed and sniffled all the way from February to May. Summer wasn’t that much better. From April to June, Berni’s nose ran, her eyes watered, and both itched. And of course, there was always more sneezing. Berni had done the math and found that out of the entire year, the only times when nothing was actively blooming were December, January, Early February, and July, but even then she usually had some kind of lingering irritation. Regardless, Berni would have resigned herself to perpetual allergic misery even in those months if she did not have to suffer through fall.  She hated the Fall. It was by far her worst season for her allergies, even if it only slightly outpaced her suffering in Summer and Spring. However, there were two decisive factors which made fall the greatest belligerent of her three pollen seasons: the start of the new school year and cold and flu season. Like clockwork, Fall dredged up not only Berni’s hay fever, but her insecurities about it. From the year she developed her allergies, it seemed like every year the people around her found them even more insufferable to be around. All the people who she once thought were her best friends for life seemed to trickle away year after year, and Berni’s first year of college perfectly exemplified this. She had come to college with no friends, with only her allergic misery to keep her company. However, as it was also now cold and flu season, Berni knew it was all about to get even worse. Something about Berni’s hay fever, the sleep she lost because of it, and endless worrying she did about it made it so that Berni had been extra susceptible to getting sick ever since she developed allergies. She always seemed to get frequent colds, especially in winter, when she should be convalescing from her fall allergies, and they always made her even more miserable and gross.  Berni was always snotty because of her allergies, but was almost always very fluid. She would be congested, then she would sneeze and blow it out, then new congestion would take its place, but having a cold always disrupted this cycle. The mucus in her sinuses would always harden like cement, becoming almost impossible to dislodge without taking decongestants, but those always dried her up and made her snot come out in thick globs. She would become tired, even more so than with her allergies, and she would always develop a deep sinus headache. Worst of all, the mucus would never just stay in her nose, it would usually make its way to her chest, or linger in her sinuses enough for her to develop a sinus infection. 

“Hey Bern…”

She would be miserable, and of course, no one would want to be around her. Why would they be? By the time she started college, she didn’t care anymore. She had already resigned herself to the fact that she’d always be alone.

“Berni are you okay?”

Berni snapped herself out of the allergic fugue she had been sinking into. She had been sinking into it a lot lately and normally didn’t even care about it, but she couldn’t do it now. She was with Sam and they were in the middle of the dining hall: “Huh?” she asked in dreary confusion.

“Are you doing okay?” Sam asked with concern in their voice, “you kind of drifted off a bit there.”

Of all the people to enter Berni’s life and make her feel terrible about herself, Sam was by far the most unexpected. The day she met them was going very consistently (groggy allergic misery mixed with severe feelings of loneliness) until that Latin class. Berni had met more than a few people on that first day of class, but something about Sam was…different. “I-I’m okay. I’m just…I’m just a little tired. That’s all” she reassured them.

Since she’d developed her allergies, Berni had heard more than her fair share of passive-aggressive “bless you”s and frustrated offers of tissues, but Sam was different. They had seen Berni when she was at her most pathetic and miserable and they hadn’t just offered her their handkerchief, they took her out to lunch. “You’ve been tired a lot lately, haven’t you?” Sam asked.

It had been a few weeks since then, and since then, but those weeks had been some of the most wonderful weeks of her life. She hadn’t needed to worry about her parents or her “friends” anymore, and Sam had done nothing but make her happy. They had hung out with her, they had asked her about what she liked and what she was interested in, they had sat there and listened intently to her explain how programming worked when she knew that they didn’t understand a thing she was saying. “Listed…Samb…I’mb sorry aboudt whadt happed the day we mbet,” Berni said stuffily and apologetically.

These last few weeks with Sam had been…amazing. Being with them didn't just make Berni feel the way she did before she had allergies, it made her feel better. She had been able to open up to him like she hadn’t been able to in years, even when her allergies were bad. Around them, she was able to be the smiling, happy, talkative girl that she had always been inside. Even when she sneezed or snuffled or blew her nose, they were always just right there, not going anywhere, ready to give a “bless you” and a smile. “What are you sorry about?” Sam asked, confused.

But over the past few days, Berni had started to wonder if maybe that amazing feeling would come to an end, that when her allergies picked up (which they were) or when she got sick (which she would) that…he’d be repulsed and turn away…just like everyone else. She couldn’t exactly blame him. She knew how she must have looked. “For breaking down while you were bringing me to the dumpling place,” Berni explained gloomily before blowing her nose into a handkerchief that was formerly one of Sam’s and now one of hers, “I shouldn’t have gotten all…cliggy and ndeedy…like that.”

“Oh,” Sam said with startling realization. “It…It’s okay,” they reassured, “I was just glad that I was able to make you feel better.”

“I had just met you. I was still practically still a stranger to you!” Berni said with a frog in her throat.

“Well, you’re not a stranger now. I like you Berni, I really do. You’re funny and cute. I love how passionate you are about everything you do, even if you try to hide it. I love how insanely good you are at coding stuff even though, for the life of me, I will never be able to understand what the heck a constructor is,”

Berni only sighed and turned back towards poking the food she was too muddled to be hungry for. There was a long, uncomfortable pause before Sam broke the silence:

“Listen…Bern…I’ve been thinking,” they said apprehensively.

“Yeah?” Berni asked, looking up at them, voice congested, ready for the worst.

“I know your allergies have been making you feel pretty terrible over the past few days, and I-”

“I-I-I-I’m…f…fine,” Berni stuttered anxiously before forcefully clearing her throat.

“I know you’re not fine Berni. I know you’ve been feeling worse lately. You’ve been rubbing your eyes more, you’ve been stuffier, and I can tell you haven’t been sleeping as much.”

Berni groaned miserably and put her face in her hands.

“Hey, it’s okay. Look at me,” Sam said as they tried to coax Berni out of her hiding place in the sleeves of her hoodie. “I’ve been talking to my roommate, and he told me he’s in an English class with a guy who’s family also works in the university medical system, and he says that he can get you an appointment at an allergist that’s right here on campus.”

“You told them about my hay fever?” Berni asked with panic in her voice.

“I just told them that I had a friend with some bad allergies that could use some help from a Doctor, and he told me that if he had your information, he could get you an appointment as soon as tomorrow.”

“I…I can’t,” Berni muttered.

“Why not?” Sam asked, “I know you need it. I could get permission to take you there during Latin class and we can get lunch together afterwards. We could make a day of it.”

“They’ll…they’re gonna wanna test me to find out what all my allergies are and how bad they are. They’ll make me take off my shirt so they can prick me with a bunch of needles with all the stuff they think I might be allergic to and it’s gonna make me break out in hives,” Berni explained glumly and congestedly. “Plus…they’re gonna make me…talk about them…”

“Talk?” Sam asked.

Berni slowly nodded her head in confirmation. 

“Is there something that happened with them that you don’t want to talk about?”

Berni nodded again.

“Was it something to do with…Japan?” Sam asked.

Berni nodded again, this time, with a sob.

“Well…how about you tell me first? That way, if it gets too much for you, I won’t mind, and you can stop at any time.” 

“I ca…c..ah…Ah…AHH-TSCHIEW! I’m sorry!” Berni said before being interrupted with a violent sneeze and a muffled sob.

“Why not? There’s no one else around. Besides, I won’t mind if it ends up like the first time we went to get dumplings.” 

There was a long pause as Berni thought it over. She spent several minutes waiting and contemplating whether or not she should tell Sam, but her contemplation was interrupted by a harsh, throaty “HASHOO!” straight into her hands. “Sorry,” she apologized as she wiped herself off with her hanky.

“You’re fine, I know you can’t help it.”

When she finished wiping her nose, Berni paused, before turning towards Sam. Berni’s beautiful amber eyes were just as pink, irritated, and watery as her nose. Her cheeks were flushed, both from the embarrassment and from her allergies, but regardless, she decided that she had to tell them. 

“I only started having them really bad a few years ago.” she related with a dejected, congested sniffle.

“Did something happen?” Sam asked.

Berni stopped to give her nose a quick gurgle before continuing: “Fall always made me a bit itchy, but it was never a big deal. I played sports and did all that other stuff and even though I might have IGK-CHIEW! sneezed a few times. It was never that bad, but a few years ago, my parents decided that they needed to…HITCHEW!...take me to Japan because I hadn’t…heh-Heh-SHEW!...been before.”

“What happened?” Sam asked.

“Well-” she was about to continue, but stopped when she realized that in the span of a moment, she had already become congested again. She made a sound that sounded like halfway between a sniff and a snort, before continuing despite the congestion. “The first time they took me there was during fall break, and…ASHIEW!...sorry…while I was there, I caught a cold. At least, we thought it was a cold. My nose got all red and itchy and snotty, and I started…eh-Eh-Eh-ESHOO! Eh-CHOO! sneezing like crazy. I felt horrible, but we stayed anyway. When we got home, I started…ATSHIEW!...sorry…I started getting better, but I was still sneezing. I started not sleeping so great and people started…avoiding me.” 

At this point, she was crying. Regardless, Sam only got closer to her. They wrapped their arm around her in a comforting half-hug. “That sounds terrible,” they told the allergic girl with pity in their voice.

“When they took me back in January, I caught another cold. It wasn’t as bad as the first one, but when we got home, it took me a bi…bi…TISHIEW! HEKSHIEW! HAT-SHIEW!...it took me a bit longer to get better. Then, when they took me again for spring break and we stayed a bit longer ASHEW!, I caught one again HIGSHEW!, but when they brought me home CHOO!, I didn’t get better ETCHIEW!. I was itching and sneezing just like I am now for a whole month before they took me to a doctor and…he told me…he told me that…”

“It wasn’t a cold.”

“Yeah…” she said with a sob, “He said that the pollen in Japan is so bad that it can make people…At-TSHIEW!...who normally have almost no allergies or even no allergies at all HEESHOO!...sorry…hypersensitive! Ragweed, which I was already a little bit ECHEW! sensitive to, is really bad there, but the big bad one is called CATCHEW! Sugi or Japanese Aht-SHOO! Cedar. Those were the ones that got me and now I…I…ah-Ah-AH-Ahtshiee! Now I’m allergic to everything!” she lamented with a wet blow.

“Like, ‘everything’ everything?”

“Everything!” she nearly shouted, “Ragweed Het-TISH!, grass ET-CHI!, trees ATSHEW!, everything! I sneeze all spring, summer, and fall from the pollen, but that’s not the worst of it. The worst is whed I ged sick.” she recounted, congestion now filling her voice.

“What happens?” Sam asked worryingly.

“Eved id the modts where there’s not ady polled, ever sidce I got hay fever I’ve always had these awful colds every widter add fall. Mby sdeezes becobe eved grosser, butd the sdot ndever leaves by dose, and idt feels like itd lasts forever…”

“You sound like you need to blow your nose, but what does that have to do with going to an allergist?” Sam asked. 

Berni stopped to give a wet gurgling blow. However, during her blow she was interrupted by three sharp, throaty sneezes, so she blew again. This time with a loud honk. When she looked up to answer Sam, her voice was still full of tears: “I can’t let you see me when my allergies get worse, or when I get sick. Pretty soon, you’re finally gonna realize how much of a gross mess I am and when you do you’ll tell me to stop. You’ll tell me to just stifle it or hold it in and stop being so dramatic. And when I can’t do that…you’ll leave. Just like all my friends did.”

There was a short gasp of realization from Sam before they suddenly threw their arms around Berni and embraced her. When they did, Berni squirmed and tried to protest with a “What? No!” before being completely disarmed by a loud “hehhh….heh-Heh-HETCHIEW! I’m sorry!” but before she could sneeze or protest again, Sam pulled her poor stuffy head into the shoulder of their flannel so that she could muffle two wet “heh-Eh-HmpfSHH! HrppSHH!” sneezes into it. “Why?” Berni cried out. “My hay fever is just gonna keep pushing you away!”

“No it’s not Berni,” Sam reassured her, “I’m never going let your allergies push me away, I’m never going to ask you to hold it in, and I’m not going to leave you just because you sneeze. I like you Berni! You’re my friend. I’m not gonna anything get in the way of being friends with you, not even allergies.”

“Or a cold?” 

“Or a cold,” Sam reassured.

There was a silence in which Sam and Berni did nothing but hold each other in their arms, before Berni asked, “After I go to the allergist, can you take me to get dumplings again?”

“Of course,” Sam said.

“Can we go Wednesday?” Berni asked with a sniffle, “I have a test in my Modern Literature class after Latin.”

“Oh course Berni, but could you do me one favor?” “Sure,” she replied

“If you can, do you think you could try to stop apologizing for your sneezes?” “Why?” Berni asked.

“You don’t have anything to apologize to me for. And…it sometimes makes me a little uncomfortable.

“Okay…ih-Ih-ITCHEW!...sorry,” she replied before realizing her mistake with a gasp, “I’m sorry for saying sorry! I didn’t mean to-”

"No no no, Berni it’s okay,” Sam reassured. “I know you didn’t mean to. Maybe we should pick something else instead that doesn’t sound as apologetic.”

“Like what? hah-Heh-HEH-HESHIEW!” Berni asked before sneezing again. “Hey, I didn’t say it this time.”

“Hmm…” Sam wondered, “What about ‘excuse me’? It sounds so much more fun and silly than ‘sorry’. It’s kind of funny, like it's something we can laugh about”

“Hmmm…” Berni thought, but her sounds of pondering quickly transformed into yet another “hihh-Hih-HEH-HEETCHIEW!” followed by a tired “Sor…I mean…excuse me.”

“Yeah, like that. You shouldn't be all apologetic about...”

But before they could finish, Berni was of course interrupted yet again: “ATCHIEW!” Berni sneezed suddenly with a “AHH-SHEW! TEECHIEW! ACKSHOO!” she sneezed harshly before giving a small chuckle and a “Whew, excuse me.”

“That’s more like it,” Sam said with a slight smile.

“Oka..kuh…Kuh…Kuh…” she started as she began building up to what she knew would be an absolutely colossal sneeze, even for her standards. “Kuh-KUH-KATSHOOOO!” she sneezed out. Just an hour ago, this sneeze would’ve made Berni want to crawl into a hole and die, but for some reason, something about the way Sam was looking out at her made her want to laugh about it. “Wow, that was a big one. Excuse me!” she said before bursting into a fit of giggles

Instead of being disgusted, Sam’s smile only grew warmer as they gave Berni a “Bless you a bunch sweetie. Do you feel better now?”

“A lot better,” Berni said as she took out the big white hanky and began cleaning herself up and giving her nose a wet honk, “But I’d still like to go see that allergist with you. Does tomorrow during Latin still work for you?”

“Of course Berni.” Sam assured.

[stormcrow513]

Hagging Out December: Winter Solstice 2022

As always thanks to the lovely @graveyarddirt for hosting these,

December started out strong for me and kinda crapped out towards the end of the month.

I began with a few goals some of which were continuations of work begun in October,

I started trying to tie my physical self into my craft in a better way, in October I started LTZs Witchual Workout series I'd done some of the videos picking through in the past, but I'd decided to start at the beginning and work all the way to the end adding some offerings to whatever energy that is being worked with that day at the beginning, I found a lot of pleasure with this and that it useful in lots of ways both magic and mundane,

At the beginning of December I decided to do Yoga With Adriene's Breathe 30 day yoga challenge to cap off the year I'd done it in February of 2022 and thought ending it with it would be a good way to end the year and then I could start the year with her new series, yoga may not be great for everyone but from the first time I tired it I've found it extremely beneficial to me, I do have a problem with consistency as well as a problem finding videos where the person taking you through the moves doesn't irritate me, and I need the videos cause I tend to move to quickly on my own, I found YWA a while back and saved a few videos, she has a nice clear voice, with clear instructions, doesn't tell me to smile every five secs, and has a cute dog 🐕 so, I started shifting through her videos more at the beginning of 2022 wanting to get back into working out after being sick all of January 2022 I found her 30 day challenge and smashed it outta the park,

So I was cruising through December when around the 15th I did something to my shoulder, not sure if I did a yoga move wrong, shoving Jazz off my face while doing yoga pulled something, or I was fish flopping in my bed trying to sleep that night and I've hurt myself that way before, either way I was absolutely not finishing out the month,

So that ended the physical side of my practice til I healed, and it did knock my Psychic Witch exercises out for a few days due to sitting up straight ouch🤕

Though I overall got really far into my book in the last months of 2022 and am proud of that, I really think I'll finish the book by the end of 2023 and it's really been improving my practice,

❄️ So taking us into Winter Solstice ❄️

I lit Candle as the light was fading, typically I do this outside facing the sunset, though after the assholes dropped a house basically in my backyard I can't SEE the sunset anymore, this year though the wind was working on blowing in a storm and there was no lighting that bitch outside, so I stode at the back door where it has a window and lit it in the fading light there, not gonna lie I actually almost forgot to, but I didn't forget so all good,

A while later storm did blow in

I pull vigil hours for the Solstice, for a long time I wasn't doing so consistently, but the very first Winter Solstice I ever celebrated at 13? 14 2005/2006 I started a wiccan practice at 13 but I can't remember if I'd read up on the holidays before solstice that year pretty sure I did but, anyway I had no real understanding of 'shepherding in the sun' or 'protecting the light' it was all pretty vague all I understood was stay up all night, so I stayed up all night playing Super Mario Brothers 3 on my Nintendo and I mean old school Nintendo,

Anyway I've slowly in starts and stops gotten a better understanding of what the hell I'm doing, and the first year in this house 2017 I read somethings about using a candle in place of a fire and got a nice sized beeswax candle, and set out to perform vigil, I decided to try an meditate on the Winter Solstice all night in just the light of the candle, I may have fallen asleep, but hey I didn't start a fire in my house so... all good, the next year I used the last of the wick to light the new candle, and only shut the the lights off long enough to perform some ritual then turned em back on,

I kept a little wax from each candle so when I finally got around to making my own I was able to use wax from previous years in it, last year's candle funneled down in a way that I was basically able to just reforge it, and this year's spilled all over so I should basically be able to do the same come June,

My Psy. Witch book had a little spell for melting obstacles involving a candle and ice cubes so you bet your ass I did it on the Solstice,

I had meant to come up with a Mother's night thing but the closet I got was lighting a candle on Hekate's altar, and I started a new magic book and the first entry I put a poem that very much captures the essence of who I am that has lines referencing mothers,

I also did some work in my Black Book Hyper Sigil (Weaving Fate Aiden Watcher) and some of the other practices,

I had five candles going at this point, so I popped the lights off to do some scrying,

That all took sometime the rest of the night I mostly read and kept a weather eye on Candle,

My next big day was the New Moon where I give offerings to Hekate, for three years I've done a ritual shower then taken her offerings to the corner of my property for the first time it was below zero on the night of the New Moon like twenty below, I hmmed and hawed and thought about just skipping the shower and still going out, in the end I had to concede that it was dangerously cold that I'd have to do my offerings inside at her altar, it was okay I did my normal cleanings and did a ritual dance in her honor, I put fresh water and olive oil and salt, as well as garlic blub on top of bay leaves and lit candle and incense,

Into January I was able to start up my Witchual Workout and start Center 30 day yoga challenge, I also started back into Psy. Witch, and begun reading my new books ma got me for gifts this year, at the Wolf Moon I'd had plans to do something for old Chirstmas but my period started up just before and it's been making me a bit woozy this month so I just did my stand by of the Moon Spell in Psy. witch, I added somethings to it like gifting Selene some incense and calling on her directly, it's basically taking out a glass of water holding it to her and asking her to bless it then drinking it there in the moonlight, simple but I've found it a profound experience,

Later letting the dogs out I looked up again and the clouds that had been fogging her up moved around a bit and I got this

I just want to say before concluding this post last of my first year doing Hagging Out, thank you, thank you @graveyarddirt for doing these, and to @pagan-stitches for hosting the October hallow tide one,

for as long as I can remember even as a small child ageing and my own birthday has given me profound anxiety, ma likes to tell me how when I turned 6 I told her I was staying 5 forever and had a complete meltdown til she removed the candle shaped like a 6 from my cake and put on last year's 5 candle that she'd still had, she said she also stuck one regular candle on to add it up to 6 without me realizing,

It's just always something that's freaked me out I've never been the kid who couldn't wait to grow up, some of my oldest memories of birth days is waking and closing my eyes back tight wishing it away, I've gone into each new year of life like walking the gallows,

But when I first saw Hagging Out I was like oh this is cool maybe I'll try it out when I hit 30, then had a little freak out about the idea of hitting 30

and all of 29 I would have screaming fits in my brain about how I've got nothing I wanted to have done by 30 done, it was the worst I've ever had going into the next age except when I was hitting 26 the year my eldest sister died,

Two things and only two things helped calm me down, one knowing that I was hitting an age my eldest sister never got to be which while saddening also ment I beat her at something finally,

Second I would be able to participate in Hagging Out, it was something to look forward to, and it didn't disappoint, I've had so much fun with you guys, you've all been great, and it gave me something to dive into to distract myself from Shy, for those of you who don't know one of my cats I've had since she and her brother and sister were babies and I was a teenager, she developed a tumor and since she didn't seem in a lot of pain (again thank you everyone who helped with that) the vet recommended we let her go on her own, and she fought for a good few months before passing the same day the Queen did, which was absolutely her,

So thank you all 💕 I'll leave you with some Shy from years past

This was her being a little freaked out of the new house after we had moved in the past they'd been restricted to one room, due not getting along with a couple dogs who'd passed so they got the run of the joint but she preferred staying in the one room and going into the bathroom to stare at me while I peed, cats