#i always write when im sad

[sleighhethereal]

Shit, shit, shit!

Macaque ran through the city, frantically looking through alleys and accidentally bumping into a few strangers- some of few who yelled at him, but he didn't care.

He had to find you.

He didn't know why he didn't just use his ability to shadow himself to where you were. Maybe it was because he'd gotten used to not using them around you.

After a whole hour, he checked the spot he least expected you to be in.

The mountain where he betrayed MK.

...Were you secretly still hating him for that?

He gulped and approached your crouched figure, standing beside you. He knew you knew he was there.

"...Can I sit here?"

Your nod was all he needed.

Macaque sat down next to you, and there was silence.

Then, you spoke. "I thought you trusted me."

Macaque instantly perked at that, waving his hands side to side in a panic. "I do, I do! You're one of the few people, I swear!"

"Then why were you so distant this past weeks?"

He paused, and you frowned.

"You refuse to talk to me about it. I know we made those boundaries, but you just seemed so deflated and depressed, I can't just stand by and watch you be like that." You inhaled sharply, "I wanted to see you atleast smile today, but—"

"I yelled at you." Macaque finished for you, turned his head away.

You stared at him, noticing how his tail curled. He was distancing again.

"...Does this have something to do with MK? Wukong?"

Macaque sighed and placed a fist to his heart as a way to calm himself. "Alright, alright... so, um.." He pulled at his scarf and reached for a white piece of paper before handing it to you.

You took it, staring at the faces of Wukong and Macaque. It was them from the past, for sure, Wukong was making a goofy face, probably the one who took the picture while Macaque was caught rolling his eyes.

You flipped it and found the date. The date was today.

"Today is the day I died."

You looked up to see him.

"The day me and Monkey King fought. You know the story..." Macaque mumbled as he played with his black hair, before raising a finger. "Of course, this isn't an excuse for me yelling at you, I just.." He trailed off when he turned to you.

Your eyes were wide, soft tears began to brim those gorgeous eyes he loved so much. It made Macaque instantly begin to sniffle, looking away.

"I-I didn't want to bring it up." He continued, "He and I just... fuck, he was my best friend. For so many years, and it's just gone, it always blows my mind. I just... I sometimes wish I can share a peach with him again, and just talk... fuck.."

You moved close for a hug, and he returned it, burying his face into your neck as he cried. You cried with him.

"I miss him, [Y/N]..."

"I'm so sorry, Macaque.."

[crybaby-bkg]

“Can you help me with this, please?” You ask gently, chin jutting in Dabi’s direction. Your eyes are still glued to the task at hand, but you finally look up when a few beats of silence pass. Dabi’s looking at you from across the table, arms folded, resting the lower half of his face behind his forearms. His eyes are bright in the dimmed light of the living room, and his gaze is enthralling when it snaps from your hands to your eyes.

He doesn’t answer still, as he watches you. Bounces from you tying the party balloons, back to your face, to the other balloons scattering the floor, your face again. He inhales slowly, before sitting up, stretching his arms like a feral turned house cat. He reaches across the table with nimble fingers, grabbing for a balloon, and blows it up with his mouth despite the helium tank sitting a foot away from the balloons.

You blink at him a few times, taking him in—his low lids, tautly pulled mouth, the bored expression on his face, his slumped shoulders. Your head tilts as you place the balloon you just blew up between your legs to keep from floating away, frowning at him.

“What cogs are turning in that pretty little head of yours?” You ask, smiling faintly when he chuckles at you. Dabi blows up another balloon with his mouth before he answers you with a shrug.

“A lot, and nothing at the same time.” He grunts after a while. “Don’t worry about it too much, angel. Shouldn’t be occupied with my shit on your birthday.” Dabi tries placating you with the nickname, but you don’t budge.

“But if there’s something up with you, I can’t celebrate wholly.” You confess, tying a string to the balloon in your lap, gaze focused on him after you let it float to the ceiling.

“And why’s that?”

“Because I feel guilty celebrating myself knowing,” you stop yourself, mouth clamped shut, but you don’t look away from him. Dabi fixes you with a look, his mouth twisted, already knowing what words you were about to spill. He sighs after a long while, shoulders slumping, running a hand down his face.

“I shouldn’t be,” he stops himself, pauses for a long while, eyes fixated on the decorations in front of him. “I never got this whole, you know, shebang growing up. I just don’t know how to—to do this whole thing. Birthdays and decorations and celebrations, and shit.”

“You could always learn with me.” You tell him, barely a beat passing before you answer him. Your eyes are full of such sweetness, sincerity, and it makes his chest ache a little. You’re always so full of hope whenever it comes to him, so full of grace and understanding. How could you pass so much kindness onto a person so bitter like him? He can barely be happy that it’s your birthday without thinking about his own past.

And yet, you grab his hand and smile at him. Throughout the afternoon you hand him streamers and tape and which candles to get from the drawer to light. You help him find his best outfit for the party and bring him into the conversation every time your friends talk. You hold his hand while you’re sung to and squeeze it so tight when you blow out your candles.

He doesn’t understand your grace, but he’s thankful for it. Even if it’s just a tiny bit.

[orcelito]

I think smth that gets me about the way a lot of the fandom woobifies Vash is that like... so many of them erase his anger? They make him a soft and sweet doormat who never gets angry Ever, and that's just objectively not true, EVEN IF we're just talking about tristamp Vash. He's definitely softer spoken in tristamp than the other versions, but we still see him get angry!! We see him Yell!!! And these people ignore that!

Then when you consider 98 Vash and ESPECIALLY trimax Vash. Bro is genuinely furious like Any time he is dealing with #Situations. He gets angry. He yells. And he's genuinely tempted to kill people in anger (as we see with Monev).

It's just plain mischaracterization when people make him so soft and sweet and Never Angry. And we all know exactly why people characterize him like this.

[leenfiend]

i’m listening to those literary demerit episodes on dirty laundry feeling like a klance scholar rn and also shaking my fist at the fucking sky because clearly a lot of klance fic was influenced by it and god.......i wish i could live in a different timeline......we gotta do better this time soldiers. give me in character fic im on my knees begging. 

[good-beans]

(Milgram self-insert oc masterpost hehe)

Name: For the sake of posting online I’ll call her Rose!

Color: #E7355B [the pink in the art]

Age: I guess she’d be 20 given when Milgram started huh. Gross.

Status: Milgram Staff, Machine Technician

Symbols/imagery: ballet, musical theater, potted plants, board games, various bugs

Song genre: very similar to Mahiru's, something upbeat and extra pop-y

Tentatively she's number 011? She's not really prisoner but she's also not free to come and go, so I'm not actually sure if she'd get a number

Story: I figured since the project is supposed to be realistic/present day, the mv machine would be brand new and unpredictable tech, so they’d want someone keeping up on maintenance and making sure the brain-invasive process won’t cause any harm to the prisoners. She was studying abroad in Japan working on some cool neuroscience tech (irl I know nothing about technology or brains but shh) and she stumbled upon the Milgram team’s machine/plans. Long story short she was dragged into the experiment to make sure things ran smoothly.

Writer's Reasoning: She’s really fun for me to play around with, as she allows me to work with a character who is simultaneously trapped in the prison but hasn’t committed any murder**, someone who has a tiny bit of pull over Es’ mindset in conversation but not the final decision (aka the voting system), and someone who would have a reason to see all the canon content.* I really enjoy the character interactions and dynamics Milgram has set up so far, so it’s been super fun seeing how things change for better and worse when someone not quite aligned with either Milgram/the prisoners is thrown into the mix!

*As much as I love dramatic irony in fiction, it would drive me crazy if I knew every detail of of the vds/mvs but Rose didn't – and every single Milgram character is The Worst Communicator Ever so I couldn’t justify that she’d hear it second hand from them...

**I’ll also add that I don’t believe I’m above murder lmao – the main thing stopping me from making her a prisoner was a) the reason above, and b) there’s no way I could have produced a full music video, and it would've driven me crazy if she didn't have one 😂 Still, I imagine she has to run some tests on the machine to make sure things are calibrated correctly, so she'd extract little things here and there (giving me the opportunity to think up lyric snippets and recurring symbols for her without worrying about full encompassing music videos :))

Story roles:

She’s a bit conflicted -- she’s officially Milgram staff and knows she should remain neutral on the prisoners, since she won’t be allowed to interfere with the process/executions. At the same time, her job description is literally “make sure they all are safe and healthy” and she's way too emotional to avoid getting hopelessly attached to everyone 😅

I really enjoy the theory that the machine extracts videos based off of priming, so one of Rose’s duties involves listening in on the interrogation and making sure there’s been enough material discussed/not too much time has passed overall (hence the ringing of the bell happening at different lengths for each vd). She then watches the mvs along with Es to make sure there are no machine glitches.

I'm not afraid to admit she falls into Mary Sue territory every so often by being everyone's friend, because it's less about "aw everyone likes her" and more about "canon is too painful rn and I need a fix-it tool to take care of these guys and give them hugs and tell them someone forgives them and cares about them and unfortunately these characters wouldn't let anyone less than a friend do that." Rest assured she's definitely not perfect and will fuck everything up on occasion :3

Miscellaneous: Whenever I play around with normal au ideas she's still working on the machine (but in a public, more ethical setting), and she's Mahiru's roommate :) Her character isn't super focused on love, but if I had to pick a cover song it'd be Stickybug II. It's very much my vibe, the lyrics fit well enough (better than most songs, at least lol) and it's one of my favorites of the unchosen songs!

So yeah, I hope she's not too boring without a cool crime to decipher, but I wanted to share since I was really proud of her! It took a bit of tinkering to find a way to fit her into a perfect secret-third-thing role that runs very smoothly with all of canon, so I was very excited!

[novadorks]

finally finished orv after two years . . . what do i do with my life now

[miutonium]

I am in my flop era right now and I just want to write what's going on with me lately _(:3」∠)_

I have been feeling meh lately. As everyone already knows, I am dealing with constant feeling of loneliness due to my lost of a long term friendship which has been quite devastating to me because I know a part of me kinda die and I don't feel like I am fully myself or been myself for months now. I dont care if people think it's ridiculous and I'm being dramatic but just like relationship, friends break up too and I am dealing with it. Some days I'll be fine and some days I just feel awful and everything I do just feels like I'm on autopilot. I'm sad but I can't be sad because I just don't have anyone to rely on now so I rather try not to be sad and do something else. I'm trying though.

I think what makes me sad is my acc getting banned out of the blue. I made a private twitter last month that I use to update what I do whenever I want to and it was such a relief and a safe space to me because I had a place to talk with a very small crowd of people I trusted and I was devastated when it was suspended because of bullshit reasons. I quit insta 2 months ago because I realize I am surrounded by self-centered people and I don't update anything personal regarding my life and feelings anymore elsewhere other than this site. I haven't have any long meaningful conversation with anyone irl other than my family for months and only talk to people when it's related to school work or anything non-personal related. I have been actively avoiding people and avoiding talking too long to people for months.

I tried to get back to interacting with others through my private twt acc and I actually feel safe. Now when it's gone Im sad because I can't be myself elsewhere anymore and I just kinda feel like the world is punishing me right now. It's like I don't deserve to have friends and be happy _(:3」∠)_ what if things wont get better for me? Idk I don't want to feed those thoughts but I wont lie, I'm scared if one day I am going to be extremely sad and do dumb things _(:3」∠)_

I still want to live and do good things but it just seems like good things doesn't happen to me lately and everything just looks so muted to me for now

[drbtinglecannon]

As much as I absolutely adore Darius & Hunter content, or have neutral/'lol' feelings towards dalador, I really can't see any post-canon content revolving around Darius that doesn't include Eber.

Like. That slow eye pan of Eber looking to Darius when he was captured, Darius immediately surrendering to save Eber, Eber trying to rush to him afterwards.

They're a pair, they're ride or die besties, they're brothers, do not separate. They'll raise the traumatized teen together.

[oshiawaseni]

The unbreakable bond between two disconnected ends

While I do think that Deku is incredibly heroic, I also subscribe to the idea he loses himself the most and goes hardest specifically when it comes to Kacchan, I can’t see him motivated to this extent and acting what appears to be without limit for any other character and between us and Horikoshi knowing this little fact, it makes Bkdk so endearing and easy to rally behind.

A part of me feels that Kacchan sees all of Deku’s actions for him only as his reckless heroism, and that Deku would be like this for anyone… and this might be why they haven’t come to truly understand one another yet. Like is it really such a big coincidence that with the exception of Katsuki Bakugou Rising, Kacchan and Deku have never shown each other their heart and how strongly they feel for one another? Whether it’s simply batting in their corner to others or this deep emotional connection they have causing them stress and worry about the other, tirelessly wanting to get Deku back to the point of sleeplessness, even breakdowns and Deku’s quirk awakenings over Kacchan.

Hence Izuku’s shock with the apology and not accepting being called Izuku by him right away. That was surely because he doesn’t understand the scope of which Kacchan has fiercely worried over him and how that worry is now coming from a love for Izuku that’s probably always been resting inside him. 

But we all know that rather than plain and platonic heroism, that likewise, when it involves Kacchan, Deku’s own loud actions have been coming from a place in his heart occupied by this unchangeable pure love for him and also Deku’s complete inability to accept his own existence in the world without Kacchan somewhere within his reach. Think of “Give him back!” That was the stubborn side of Izuku that wouldn’t let Kacchan go to a place where he couldn’t see him, watch over him and confirm his existence that’s right in front of him. What incredible attachment he has always felt towards him, despite everything.

Izuku kept tabs on Kacchan to the point he knows when he last spoke to him. To Deku, it didn’t matter what Kacchan was doing, as long as he could ascertain his presence nearby and that he’s okay, even if they weren’t necessarily on friendly terms. And Kacchan very much felt the same thing about Deku. “Watch me, Deku.” Watch how strong and cool of a hero I am, watch my back with those big eyes of yours and praise me like you always do. But when he realised Izuku was no longer in his reach, Kacchan fought in earnest for a chance to get him back again, to not just trailing behind him but by his side. Which is why their distance being removed and them communicating like best friends again is such a big deal and would absolutely mean the world to both of them.

I’ve always had a vague sense that Kacchan had been running away from Deku. Which side of Deku had Kacchan been running away from all this time? Heroism? Love? Both? Because Deku’s heart scared him. He didn’t just envy it or feel inferior to it - he also feared it. To me, Kacchan rejecting Deku’s kindness feels like someone saying no to a warm hug from somebody they care about on a freezing winter’s day.  It made no sense. He pushes affection away so much to the point that he’s virtually touch starved now. So why did he really do it? It’s one of Decchan’s mysteries that I wish was explained fully.

And on the other side of things, Deku’s actions towards Kacchan felt more and more nonsensical as the story unfolded. There’s this confounding enigma that despite Kacchan treating Deku awfully for years, Deku has consistently always jumped very strongly to Kacchan’s defense - which makes you wonder what it is about them that allowed Deku to carry his four year old self’s pure and positive feelings towards Kacchan for so long. (This is why middle schooler bkdk is top tier dj for me, they often come up with their own answer to fill the gaping hole of missing context in this complicated bkdk puzzle.) And while I can’t consolidate in my head the truth to the mystery of their past that became such a complicated relationship in its current state (at least not a truth that belongs in a shounen… unless..? haha), I do know that Kacchan is now acutely aware of the fact this entire time he has been loved, not looked down on, by Deku and realised when Deku almost died that he also possesses feelings of love and attachment towards Deku too.

This revelation honestly affected him in a big way. It broke Kacchan’s hardened walls down piece by piece over time, until there was quite literally nothing left but his own exposed heart that he plainly laid out for Izuku.

The shot of the wound from his sacrifice that reopened - bleeding, vulnerable. A beautiful metaphor for his exposed heart and truth that he openly gives to Izuku for the first time in front of everybody. Because he realised Izuku is more important to him than his guilt and his shame and his pride. 

And because they are such an iconic and invincible duo who above anything else, want to take care of each other, this does have me hoping Izuku will take his vulnerable heart and treat it gently at the end of everything, shounen or not.

But as of now, we’re at an emotional stand-still from Izuku’s side.

Kacchan’s words aged very well, past hundreds of chapters because despite being the protag of the story, we are always left wondering how Deku really feels. Kacchan’s frustration at Deku and characterisation of him here is so accurate lately 😅

I get the sense that all of this ambiguity they feel from the other has been written there for a reason and will have a meaningful climax where they will come to understand each other in the coming fight. Horikoshi places purpose behind all of the dialogue he writes - so with the dialogue between Deku and Toga in mind, when it comes to Izuku and Kacchan’s history and both not being fully aware of how much they care for one another, I think in the near future, they will acknowledge the inspiration and strength they’ve found in each other. “Don’t you also want to share the same heart?” Kacchan has been doing this with Izuku ever since DvK2 and we all know Izuku draws his own powers from Kacchan since the very beginning because he sees Kacchan not only as his personal hero, but as the embodiment of strength and confidence and overcoming one’s hardships. He watched him for years win against his biggest one of all: himself.

Because it’s not only All Might he’s been wanting to become more like, but someone else even closer to him. Someone who, without fail, has always motivated him to go beyond, above himself and even all logic and reason. And that someone has always been Kacchan. Ever since they were little. So now I am hoping they come to understand what’s inside each other’s hearts (especially Deku’s which is always shrouded in mystery.)

They understand each other’s strategies perfectly, and yet Izuku and Kacchan have always had this big gap whenever it came to knowing their true feelings. So as an answer to their disconnect over the years, an answer to their relationship which contains a mysterious and profoundly deep bond that leaves us wishing their gap to close even more, it makes sense that a moment will come to pass where they’ll really see and understand each other for the first time, without all of this evasiveness we’ve gotten used to.

[moltage]

i've tried everything, different ways, different times, different places. i just can't seem to find my passion for writing back.

[two-bit-socrates]

The Elder Scrolls: Oblivion

I made some notes in a post earlier about how I thought Mankar Cameron deliberately let him and his kids be killed for the hero of kvatch to take the amulet. Now I'm very sure of it but also not because that would imply Bethesda were intentionally telling a thoroughly plotted out saga. Still, if The Elder Scrolls were a thoroughly plotted out saga it would make sense on a grandeur scale of things that Mankar deliberately set himself up to be caught and the amulet reclaimed if the plan wasn't actually for Dagon to take over Tamriel.

I just installed Skyrim on my Steam Deck and I installed Morrowind on my laptop and I have 500 other things I should and rather be doing but they're not happening rn.

EDIT: I keep coming back to the story telling and environmental design and social interactions of Oblivion and how it's not a well thought out and researched story but it's an odd way of interacting with a world that is a bare bones fantasy reflection of the u.s. in 2006 from the perspectives of people who didn't seem like they interacted with people that much. I just started up Skyrim again a few hours ago and it feels the same way but later as these same people get more exposed to life being chronically online.

I'm aware this doesn't sound like cohesive thoughts but my brain is fatigued but won't stop rotating oblivion inside it so I'm writing it down for now.

[eightw]

highlights from when i was 13 and an extremely active roleplayer on stardoll

it's a little long, i had way too much fun reading through my old cringey posts. tw roleplay written by a 13 year old in 2013

(from my vacation rp - it had over 1000 posts in the-nerds club, idk why im still proud of that. my character was named clary, like from shadowhunters.)

(boarding school rp i started)

(teen prodigies rp?)

(this rp, where i am once again anoerexic)

[hecksupremechips]

The best feeling in the world is when there’s a piece of media you know you love and you’ve hyped it up as your favorite thing for so long but you haven’t revisited it in a while so you start to worry if it’s really as good as you make it out to be and so you go back and revisit it and it’s like. Oh this is even better than I remembered this shit rules

[ardentpoop]

[skunkg1rll]

im in love w him not only bc of who he is as a person nd how drawn i am to his personality, but also bc i feel like he's the only one who has ever wanted to see me. who i am, like deep down. he's the only one who i feel like i've ever connected with, in an easy nd genuine way. the only one who i feel has ever gotten me. he's the only one who's ever made me feel like we actually have a connection we're both in on, bc i havent had to pretend or put up a fake front for him bc he wanted the real image of me.

[the-kipsabian]

whiplashing so hard rn, google told me they'll shut down one of my old email accounts if i dont log into it, managed to actually get in and now im going through emails from fucking ff.net from 2018 what in the fuck