#i am actually autistic. especially about them

[yourgamemasterthewhiterabbit]

Both my parents actually suffer from HORRID emotional dysregulation and are prone to snapping and going into rages. My sister is the same way tbh. I am now realizing this is why they are constantly baffled by the question of whether or not I am mad at them.

I don't have external meltdowns.

I could. I don't let it happen.

I keep my rage on the inside and stay pretty quiet about it. It's just as strong as theirs [physically shaking nose bleed from high blood pressure kind of bad], but like as a kid I saw how terrifying it was to be around [dad breaking dishes, mom putting our lawn chairs into walls] and I just internalized that I wasn't going to wear that anger on the outside.

So my mother genuinely cannot tell if I am just being quiet or if I am silently hearing the dial-up noises of pure rage. This has lead her to both making strong and confident statements like "You are a pacifist who would never hurt a fly U.U" but also acting like I am secretly dangerous maybe... It's because she has never seen me snap.

She knows what her temper is like [throwing chairs through walls], she knows what my father's temper is like [pick up child and toss out door], and she can tell I am being tested, but she doesn't know what happens when I snap or where that breaking point is.

Her -perhaps unhinged- solution to this, my whole life, has been to do things that should obviously enrage me or shut me down completely, like ignoring important boundaries, repeatedly, punishing me for expressing emotions or needs at all, etc... And then to constantly ask me if I am angry with her when I get too quiet [right after near directly telling me to shut up].

It has occurred to me now, they have never once seen me lose my temper, so they literally just can't tell if I am angry at them. My sister is easy, my mother fights and screams with my sister constantly, my mother understands this. My mother doesn't have any grasp of feelings or boundaries that are not screamed at her [apparently, and I fear my sister is the same way]. Her and my sister are close despite constant fucking fighting because they understand each other.

They are trying to get me to engage the same way and it is not working. I realize now that this has been hard for them.

I was so successfully taught to suppress my emotions, by being punished for any outburst, that rage quiet looks the same as any other kind of quiet from the outside. To them anyway.

I did tell her. For the record. I used my words. I did tell her very calmly that my response to rage, in order to avoid doing the things that terrified me as a child, was to simply leave [the autistic urge to GTFO]. When a situation or person causes too much of the dial-up rage noise, I simply extract myself from that situation, up to and including never speaking to a person again. I explained this calmly. I explained it calmly 100 times and I explained that I explain myself calmly as my rage response 1-5 [also pretty much every other negative emotion tbh], and I told her that what came next was me simply opting out and fucking off. I told her this. I couldn't understand why she never took me seriously, or why she never fucking understood.

I couldn't understand what made her like this.

But it's the same problem I have with everyone else multiplied by a factor of 10.

If I am explaining myself calmly, they can't understand that it's actually serious or that I am actually upset. ESPECIALLY because they read me as "female" and women "aren't that rational" so if I am not screaming and crying about something, which I never do, people assume I can't be upset and it isn't serious.

And then after having my boundaries ignored too many times despite having calmly explained how and why it's a problem [shaking inside or not]... I leave. I leave and everyone gets upset like this is unexpected behaviour, even though I told them 50 times that is how I would respond if they kept doing *the thing.*

And for neurotypical people especially, they are expecting there to be a disconnect between what someone says they need or feel and what their actually boundaries and feelings are, and they expect the latter to be demonstrated with emotions. Telling them bluntly you do not function that way somehow never helps?

My mother isn't just looking for normal yelling or a few tears to know I am serious, whether or not I do those either [I don't], she's looking for an explosion to know there's a problem at all.

Fucked if I know how she proceeds through life this way in general or if this is just her expectation of her own kids???

And I couldn't get why my mother couldn't read my emotions and didn't seem to think I have any. It's because she's testing for the rage limit to see where my 'actual' limit is instead of taking my word for it. Never the fuck mind that she could simply *not* test at my boundaries instead of letting me have them. Separate issue.

I couldn't figure out what made her *like this*

She's expecting me to throw a giant meltdown violent tantrum at people when I have 'actually' had enough. Maybe she got away with those being like 5'4" in another time, but I am the size of the average man, I do not get to have giant screaming rages, whether or not people perceive me consciously as a woman, and least of all because a lot of people -at least unconsciously- read me as 'masculine' or at least always "they guy" of the situation compared to all other women and some men [bigger stronger and more rational, more able to just absorb the damage and let it go so the less rational screaming/crying one doesn't have to be dealt with]. Even if it was in me to be willing to terrify people [usually never], there are such limited instances where it wouldn't just blow back on me. Potentially very dangerously.

I am going to be the quiet calm one. You are going to have to let me use my words, bitch.

So she kept ignoring my boundaries until I had to cut her out of my life, and she probably doesn't understand and probably thinks it feels sudden -after 36 long years of bullshit- abrupt and unfair.

But I told her hundreds of times.

I probably should have just screamed at her.

[puppyeared]

who up seeing their disorder in a fictional character but feel like its not their place to put a name on it

[giantkillerjack]

Uh-oh! You are like, SOOO awkward!!

You're so awkward that it is occasionally mildly uncomfortable for people!

You're so awkward that sometimes people are confused by you and then there are awkward silences!

You're so awkward ...... that ultimately no one is harmed!!

Oh damn!!! What a vile crime you have committed! What an unforgivable thing it is to make a fellow human briefly confused!

Why, if *I* were ever briefly confused and kind of uncomfortable as a result, I'd be devastated.... by the absolute net zero change in my happiness and health! - From which I might never recover!! Yes indeed! No punishment can ever be enough for you!!

So you better absolutely hate yourself for it.

Better be SO MEAN to yourself about every single missed social cue so you don't forget your horrible crime! Meaner than you'd ever dream of being to someone else for the same thing! This is YOUR responsibility!

You need to show the world that you KNOW you are bad by punishing yourself constantly! After all, think of all the people who BENEFIT from you punishing yourself! - No, really! Think about it! Think about who benefits from your pain.

Think of alllllll the definitely-good people that your definitely-necessary self-torment definitely helps! I mean, you can't just cut off their definitely-life-sustaining supply of your suffering, right?? Sure, everyone else has a breaking point, but you're probably the only person in human history who doesn't, right? Best not to question it probably. Sure, it's a symptom that billions of people with trauma have had, but who knows? You could be a one-in-seven-billion exception. Anything's possible!

Instead, better just accept that idea that bullies carry like guns in holsters - the idea that people who have trouble with social cues deserve to suffer. Better carry on the burden they placed on you until you drop. Aid the cause of the callous by enforcing shame and suffering upon yourself extra hard; try your best to do their work for them. They're very busy.

Better not recognize that you need patience and kindness to heal from your trauma. Better not find out that it was trauma rather than personal weakness filling your head with self-hating thoughts. Better not find out it wasn't your fault.

Better not find out that awkwardness is not inherently harmful or unkind, and, in fact, the people who act like it is *are the ones enacting harm and being cruel.*

Better not get righteously angry when you realize just how much unnecessary damage this has done to you. After all, if you get mad, you might realize you deserve better. You might even feel brave enough to DEMAND better! You might build boundaries that keep you safe! You might make other people think they deserve to feel safe too! And we obviously can't be having that, so...

Better not show yourself even a little kindness a little bit at a time.

Better not make a habit out of it after all that practice.

Better not get confident.

Especially if you can't first wipe out every trace of awkward. (And you probably never will. Because people who experience absolute social certainty at all times tend to be insufferable assholes that enforce the status quo. And you just don't have the stock portfolio for that.)

Better not be confident and awkward because then you might confuse and delight people

- you might accidentally end up making other people feel less shame for their social difficulties

- you might make isolated, traumatized, and shy people feel like they deserve to be included in social situations

- you might even make them feel they can be themselves around you

- you might start loving the effect you have on a room

- you might enjoy conversations more

- you might forgive yourself and bounce back from shame more easily and frequently

- you might come to enjoy some of those moments of harmless confusion you cause because NOBODY expects the Confident Awkward, and that can genuinely be an advantage in social situations

- you might stop apologizing so much.

- you might find that socializing is like a video game: it requires practice but also a safe space for it to be fun and positive.

Or if you can't become assertive and confident, better not remain awkward and shy and quiet, and then love and forgive yourself anyway!

Why, it would be carnage!!

In either scenario, you run the risk of finding out that it's not your fault that safe spaces full of kind people can be really hard to find, create, and nurture. You could end up building a skillset that helps you do those things if you're not careful!

If you start giving yourself even the tiniest amount of grace at a time, you will find that you've accessed a gateway drug with extreme long-term side effects:

- You might realize that it was never your fault that it took so long to like yourself.

- You might realize that you were always worth talking to, even when you didn't like yourself and communication felt impossibly difficult.

- You might realize that you'll still be worth talking to even if communication becomes harder as you age and/or experience disability.

- You might come to know that you deserve to be heard even on bad days when words come slow and blurry.

You might discover that you were always deserving of kindness, first and foremost from yourself.

So. As you can see, it's FAR too much of a risk to start granting your awkward self free pardons for your many heinous and harmless crimes. Better to just leave it there.

[website-com]

since pepper was asking for it something that girls do that always makes me think 'cool gender' is not change their names despite it being historically masculine and re-defining the name through their identity and relationship to it.

[apple-os]

ppl who like making friends solely with one-note cardboard boxes who will hang out with them when it's convenient and never open up about who they are as people and what their lives are like dni

[nexus-nebulae]

whenever i see hollow knight theorists talk about the grubs i almost never see anyone mention certain things that i always think about so i'm just gonna infodump and see if these theories make any sense? I'm going to be such a nerd about taxonomy and real-life bugs. also note that i haven't genuinely studied this shit in school, i am running purely on wikipedia and Autism™

First things first: they're grubs. They're larvae. They're not finished growing, and as we see from the charm they give, they metamorphose into some form of flying being. It's not clear what, but if the Elegy charm in any way resembles what a Grubberfly actually looks like, then they would seem to have multiple wings and a thick, tapered body (with no apparent legs). We also know that the process of being eaten by the Grubfather involves some form of metamorphosis- either of the Grubs, or even the Grubfather itself. You can even hear them making noise within Grubfather, meaning they're not dead (yet. we don't know if they Will Be Eventually).

most of the time "grub" refers to beetle larvae, but... moth larvae can look pretty similar. grubs and caterpillars are often mistaken for one another. the main thing that gets me is the legs- the legs of the caterpillar are typically a lot thicker and better for movement. whereas most grubs have thinner, typically segmented legs and often can barely even move around with them. We see the grubs in hallownest with relatively thick legs- most other bugs in hallownest just get black lines for legs- and they're able to move incredibly freely.

Now- there's a lot of types of bugs in hallownest, which means a large variety of larval stages. We've got moths, obviously, which are caterpillars. We've got mantises, which have no larval stage and instead hatch directly into nymphs (So, the Mantis Youth enemy is likely a nymph). Baldurs are like woodlice, or isopods, meaning intstead of larvae they have manca, which essentially look just like tiny versions of the adult (e.g., the regular Baldur compared to the Elder Baldur). Bee larvae are simple white grubs, which are typically sealed inside of the surrounding honeycomb until they metamorphose. Spiders hatch as spiderlings, which we see plenty of in-game (and, before the Lifeblood update, Deeplings would even actually pop out of eggs when broken).

We have flukes, which seem to moreso resemble maggots, or fly larvae. The tiny flukes we see at the entrance to Flukemarm are clearly the youngest of the larvae (despite the Flukefey being labeled as such in the Hunter's Journal- the larvae in the walls aren't considered an enemy type in the Journal, however, so were likely not considered). Despite the fact that the Flukes more often resemble worms, we know they are not, as some varieties have legs or wings. Annelids (true worms, like earthworms, leeches, etc) never have legs, much less wings. Meaning the flukes are most likely arthropods, and thus most likely are something close to flies.

And then we have creatures that are in completely different phylums to arthropods, such as the jellyfish (cniderians), snails and slugs (molluscs), and mushrooms (fungi. not even in the animalia kingdom).

But by far the most common type of bug in Hallownest are beetles. Beetles are some of the most diverse insects on the planet even in real life, and in Hallownest it's no exception. We see plenty of beetles based on real life- Dung Defender being a dung beetle, the Nailsmith being a rhinoceros beetle, Willoh being a giraffe weevil. Most other insects in hallownest mostly resemble beetles than other insects, with hard, plated shells and often visible elytra (the hard shell casing that covers the wings). Because beetles are so abundant, and because most other insect species in the game tend to keep within their own separated groups, "grub" most likely became the colloquial form of "baby" within Hallownest. Therefore, these Grubs might not even be grubs at all, but another form of insect larvae that was labeled as grub due to its similarity to beetle young.

We never see any direct inclusions of the young of the Moth Tribe nor the various beetles found around hallownest. There is only a single known caterpillar seen in-game, and that is Marmu. It is not known if she is connected to the Moth Tribe or not, however Marmu's design was based on a Puss Moth caterpillar, of which the real-world equivalent grow up to be similarly fluffy moths to the ones seen in the Moth Tribe. The visual similarity between Marmu and the Grubs is striking- and they even sound remarkably similar, meaning they could be of related species.

Now, back to actual Hollow Knight Lore™:

We know that the Collector is definitely related to the Kingsmoulds, as they are both made of void and have the same body template. All Moulds were made as servants to the king, and do not seem to have their own motivations or interests. The Collector, however, definitely has a personality, ranting and raving about how much it loves the Grubs.

The corpse holding the Love Key in Queen's Gardens is a Husk Dandy, or one of the high elite of Hallownest. It was clearly a high-ranking member of society, and may have had some connections with Lurien, or even the Pale King himself. The Tower of Love was most likely this Dandy's tower, and it was likely the one who began the collection of grubs, with the Collector as some form of assistant (thank you mossbag for this one).

Now, the Dandy's Dream Nail dialogue says "Too long spent together... we become as one...". This, paired with the black streaks around the Dandy's eyes as well as the Void particles seen around the corpse, leads most people to assume that the Collector being made of Void somehow started to physically affect the Dandy, leading to its death. But what if it weren't simply one-way? What if, somehow, the Collector started to mirror the Dandy- if the Dandy was enthusiastic enough about its work, then the Collector may have become obsessed as well due to this.

We also know that the Pale King was attempting to snuff out almost everything he could about the Radiance. The Moth Tribe were apparently born from the Radiance, either metaphorically or literally. While the Moth Tribe did reject the Radiance and follow the Pale King, some moths still chose to remember their old god, until, according to the seer, "all of Hallownest began to dream of that forgotten light". Somehow, this hushed worship of the Radiance could have led to the infection taking hold in the world.

From what I could find, it was not entirely clear if any of the Void experiments began before or after the beginning of the Infection. The Collector could have been created any time in between the creation of Hallownest to its fall- it could be an early, perhaps unfinished form of a Kingsmould- it could be a typical Kingsmould that was altered in some way- it could be a late, more adavnced form of Kingsmould with traits unlike the other more typical Kingsmoulds (for example, it has a voice, where seemingly no other Void being does whatsoever).

Another thing to note- it's not made clear what kind of power exactly the Elegy charm draws from. Because of the Grubsong charm's connection to Soul, one might assume it is also Soul energy, however the slash doesn't draw from the Knight's Soul meter and any charms that directly affect spells or Soul use (other than Grubsong) don't have any sort of affect on the Elegy charm when equipped together.

So, my theory:

The Grubs are actually caterpillars, created by the Radiance in her return to Hallownest. The Pale King, or someone underneath him, noticed the appearance of these bugs and decided to study them- that, or they already knew of the bugs' connection to the moths and thus decided to trap them. The Dandy was the one in charge of this, the head researcher who collected and researched them. The Collector was a Kingsmould gifted to the Dandy by Lurien (or even the Pale King himself) to help with research- and perhaps, if they knew about the Radiance connection, also as a form of extra security (The vessels were Void beings created to contain the Radiance. The Collector is a Void being who obsessively contains Grubs. There's a reflection there). The Collector may have even specifically been granted a voice in order to be able to communicate with the Dandy.

Over time, the Dandy and the Collector being around each other so much caused them to start to become one. Not just in the Dandy becoming somehow infected with Void, but also in the Collector's obsession with the Grubs. This ultimately led to the Dandy locking the Collector in the Tower of Love and attempting to run away with the key before succumbing to the Void in the Queen's Gardens.

Being an experiment specifically created by the Pale King and his court, the Collector likely had some form of "programming" by the court to complete its intended tasks. Unlike the Kingsmoulds' simple programming to Defend the Pale King, instead the Collector's would have been to collect or trap bugs. It could have even been the case that the Collector was the Dandy's field agent- going to collect the Grubs itself so as to not put the Dandy in danger. We can even see this in its attacks- it doesn't necessarily slash at you, but instead makes a grabbing motion. Perhaps the Collector was programmed to Contain and Protect, with protect applying both to the Dandy and the collected specimens (a dead grub is no use for research, now is it?). However, now there seems to be some sort of bug in the programming (pun not intended) where the Collector doesn't seem to distinguish between what it should or shouldn't collect- we see bottles of Vengeflies and Aspids and Baldurs, and even the player's Shade, but these are only ever found within the Tower of Love where the Collector is locked away. It's likely it was the Dandy's orders that told the Collector exactly what to collect, and without those it simply overdoes its programmed task.

Unfortunately, the Knight eventually comes along and destroys the entire operation before we can find out the real truths regarding the Grubs. Hopefully the Grubberflies aren't actually tiny Radiances.

[genekies]

screaming in the club

time for another vent in tags

[our-inspire-verse]

Just keeps going round and round eh?

[ineffabeatlemindpalace]

(This is why I love self-checkouts)

[beyblade-champion-coolatta]

to be honest i think i just might not engage with this fandom anymore.

[mrfoox]

Me: I want to spend more time with people, I miss close contact with others :(

Also me: -only wants to spend time with 4 ppl irl, none of which live close by or have the ability to come by-

[drchucktingle]

Something I’ve been curious about if it wouldn’t break the bit: are you one buckaroo or several sharing a name and persona?

greetings bud thank you for asking FIRST OF ALL want to say to you or anyone reading this post that i am not upset over this question and i am not upset with you. you have kindness in your trot and i know you are just asking to prove love in your own way. buds reading this please do not harass this person in fact maybe give them a follow or a like, they are trying their best.

OKAY NOW THAT IS OUT OF THE WAY i will talk on my feelings of this with simple statement:

this is not a bit.

i understand it can be difficult to accept this for some, especially in world where absurdity and cynical humor is so popular, but i am very sincere. even though i make jokerman jokes sometimes, even in my writing, tinglers are not supposed to be funny as a concept. if you laugh at them that is TOTALLY OKAY i understand this way when confronted with something out of the box but that is not the point of them at all. the point is that LOVE IS REAL for everyone (there are other points but that is a broad one)

now on to why i trot my trot in this way. first off is to protect my privacy this is simple enough. when i talk on son jon or sweet barbara or any other way i am adding a layer of secrets by changing names or relations or towns but that is just a fancy outfit for the real truth. i am NOT creating a character, i am protecting myself.

second and more important is that when i TALK IN MY UNIQUE WAY i am expressing myself without masking, which is something old chuck does every single day out there in the world as someone on the autism spectrum. i am VERY GOOD AT MASKING you would probably not know chuck was autistic when talking to me unless you were a close bud. but unfortunately this masking way creates very real tension in my body. i have trotted with CHRONIC PAIN for most of my life heading to emergency rooms where kind and handsome t-rex doctors could not figure out what the heck was goin on. basically LIVED in the dang emergency room. eventually chuck learned i carried my body TOO TIGHT from masking all the time, but what i realized is that allowing myself a space to type freely without way of punctuation or other restrictions and LETTING MY HEART SING to just be myself without masking made this tension release. pain started going away. GRAND IRONY of course is that when im trotting as chuck i wear a pink mask to take off my OTHER MASK of a neurotypical bud.

that is why i protect my way of speaking freely as well. if someone says 'well you need to talk like this right now' i stand tall and say NO BUD THIS IS MY SPACE AND I WILL EXPRESS MYSELF IN THIS WAY AND YOU AN TROT ON IF YOU WANT. this is firm boundary for me and my health.

anyway buckaroo to sum that up again: yes i am one person and this is not a bit

if you want to know more about my way on the autism spectrum i wrote a tingler about how it feels to have others say you are 'playing a character' and not actually neurodivergent. i think tumblr buds might enjoy so i will add it down here LOVE IS REAL thank you for your question

NOT POUNDED BY THE PHYSICAL MANIFESTATION OF SOMEONE ELSE'S DOUBT IN MY PLACE ON THE AUTISM SPECTRUM BECAUSE DENYING SOMEONE'S PERSONAL JOURNEY AND IDENTITY LIKE THAT IS INCREDIBLY RUDE SO NO THANKS

[wolfertinger666]

i will finally talk about it and say I'm not ok with how people think me/my old host are like these, raging predators who want to harm people when the reality is being inexperienced and irresponsible with a large platform at 19 years old on Twitter back in 2022(which I've deleted my account) along with literally being forced into humiliating my(ourself) and silencing my side so the things I was accused of (which aren't true and stretched) get taken back.

(I was accused of this because I told the person in the screenshot they can draw whatever art they want but do it privately or tone it down completely because I don't want predatory adults harming them.

this was the same advice I was given when I was young but it was irresponsible of me and afterwards my accounts have been marked as 18+ since)

I have proof of these but I've been debating on releasing screenshots because I don't want to revive something that's actually traumatic to me but like, the p/edojacketing shit has bothered me so bad especially being compared to actual harmful people.

no fucking victim tells someone to "follow me back on twitter" and "friend me on discord again" after threatening to accuse someone of really heavy shit, all while saying "I want to help you because you're autistic"(which I don't have proof for so take that with a grain of salt)

gross fucking shit(especially considering I am a literal victim of grooming myself)

(turning reblogs off because while I want my side of things to be out there I don't want this reblogged because it's also a personal vent of frustration, I'm tired of lies, stalking, my friends being warned about me, having people cut ties from me, etc)

[gallusrostromegalus]

Hello this is just to say that I am very interested in that post you mentioned maybe making about indirect communication!

So to define Direct and Indirect communication with a pair of examples real fast:

Direct communication: "Hey, can you do the dishes?" Indirect communication: "There's dishes in the sink." (Please wash them.)

Indirect communication tends to trip a lot of ND, but especially Autistic people up because the implied request in the parentheses... doesn't always come through. So you don't do the dishes, and the Indirect communicator gets frustrated because they thought they had made that request perfectly clearly.

Which, in their defense, they did! ...in their micro-cultural language.

See, the actual purpose of Indirect Communication is to provide some extra verbal personal space and non-aggression measures in micro-cultures where people's personal autonomy has been compromised but there is also a high degree of understood social context.

Hm. That's a weird sentence. Let's try some more examples.

Indirect communication is most common in places or situations where people's ability to stay in their own lane is compromised, but everyone also shares the same base knowledge of what's going on. One example is in large cities, where people are PHYSICALLY up in each other's personal space because they're physically crowded. So cities have etiquette like "Don't make eye contact on public transit unless you actually need to address someone", so that, if people can't stop violating your personal space, they can at least signal non-aggression and give you some privacy. People raised in large cities, or who have lived there for a while all learn these unspoken rules by trial and error, some of us with more errors and trials than others.

Thus, in physically compact situations, "There's dishes in the sink" means "There's dishes in the sink." (I trust that you are already familiar with the social rules that dictate that dishes need to be done, and assume the reason you haven't done them is because you haven't seen the sink yet. I won't insult your intelligence by elaborating on the Do The Dishes Rule, because I know you are smart <3)

Speaking of Privacy, the other place indirect communication is common is in situations where people have Limited Privacy and thus everyone knows what's going on with them, and they know what's going on with everyone else, whether they want to or not. Close-knit families and religious communities often have this shared no-privacy pool, but it can also happen with you and two roommates in a 100sq ft apartment, or on a research vessel in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. Since y'all are up in each other's business, indirect communication is there to prevent hostility in close quarters.

This, in a low-privacy situation, "There's dishes in the sink." means "There's dishes in the sink." (I know you are a good and responsible roommate who is maybe a little forgetful, and I trust you to have enough context from living in the live feed of everyone's life to know that I need them done. I won't insult you by suggesting your motivation was malicious in any way, and i trust you to do them <3)

So, to an indirect communicator, that was a perfectly clear request to do the dishes because OF COURSE you'd know what they meant- literally everyone else they deal with is in on this shared knowledge of social rules and daily updates. And not elaborating on that request is an affectionate sign of trust in your competence.

Except, you know. You're not.

So, you try to explain to your indie friend that "There's dishes in the sink." only sounds like an observation, and your brain will not auto-fill in the request like theirs does, so if you want me to do the dishes, just ask with words, okay?

And your indie friend understands this! but then instead of going "Hey, can you do the dishes?" they instead don't say ANYTHING until they're really frustrated with the state of the kitchen, and communicate VERY directly at you, and with great anger.

What happened?

So remember how indirect communication exists to prevent hostility and violence? That's because the threat of hostility and violence is VERY, VERY REAL.

Like you, your indirect communication friend made some mistakes while learning The Unsaid Rules and How To Use The Shared Information Pool, and the social hammer came down on them HARD. Ostracization, ridicule, maybe even actual, psychical harm. So they grew very, very afraid of violating those secret rules, and doubly so with people they like, so your indirect communication friend is facing this HUGE EMOTIONAL BLOCK when it comes to directly communicating with you, because to someone who grew up with their boundaries compromised and the threat of hostility if they violate the communication rules, communicating directly with someone they love feels really, really, really mean and they don't want to hurt or lose you.

For real, "Hey, please do the dishes" sounds like "Hey, please do the dishes." (You fucking moron who doesn't give a shit about our home and probably hates me) to them, and they don't want to talk like that to you. It's like how we never like picking the mean dialogue option in video games.

So instead they... just don't say anything at all, rather than risk a potential confrontation, and then the dishes don't get done and it turns into a REAL confrontation.

What a headache.

So what are we gonna do?

Well, you can't control your friend's actions, emotional reactions or interpersonal skills, but you can manage yours, and you're gonna have to meet them halfway, and it's gonna feel like training a skittish cat that coming out from under the couch is safe. Several-pronged approach:

DO NOT PUNISH BEHAVIOR YOU WANT TO SEE. When your friend does manage to say "Hey, please do the dishes?" don't go "UUUUGH IN A MINUTE." even if you are in the middle of something else and their timing sucks, which is probably does. Stick to either neutral responses ("Cool, let me finish this paragraph and I'll get on that") to positive responses ("Oh, sure! Thanks for letting me know!")

REWARD THE BEHAVIOR YOU WANT TO SEE. -and then actually go do the dishes to demonstrate that this approach not only is safe, it's effective. Also, praise your friend when they do a good job communicating with you. "Hey, thanks for actually asking me to do the dishes, that was really helpful." or "You're doing a great job navigating and giving me directions, this is much less stressful than the GPS" or "Thanks for being honest about how I was annoying you and bringing it up before it became a huge issue." This will kind of feel like you're an actor on sesame street teaching big bird how to say please and thank you, but honestly? that was the age most of us learned our communication skills, and we return to that teaching method because BY GOD IT WORKS.

MODEL THE BEHAVIORS YOU WANT TO SEE. Humans learn by copying, so lead by example with the kind of communication that helps you, and explain why it helps. "Hey friend, a question so I can schedule some stuff- Do you have any plans this weekend I should know about, or am I clear to paint the bathroom?"

This is the one that sucks but YOU GOTTA MEET THEM HALFWAY AND LEARN ABOUT THE CONTEXT POOL. Can't make everyone learn, and Indirect communication has it's uses (especially in modern jobs and social media), so you gotta learn their style too. I literally have a discord server that's just me where I keep notes on the life events and conditions of my friends, coworkers, neighbors and loved ones because I know I won't remember that shit, but they will kind of expect me to, and it's been a lifesaver in both not blundering into social faux pas, and actually getting around my crap memory to know them better. You can also model hybrid communication and practice your indirect skills by using an indirect request opener, but then saying the rest of the implied context aloud: "Hey, there's dishes in the sink. I know you'll do that ASAP because you're cool, I just wanted to make sure you knew they were there and needed to be washed, thanks <3"

Accept that some people aren't gonna change for reasons that are beyond their control and probably have nothing to do with you, and decide what you're willing to invest in learning to deal with them. I still have to play 5D words chess with my mother-in-law, who was raised in a close-physical-space-AND-no-privacy culture and is an excruciatingly anxious indirect communicator as a result. I can't make her go to therapy for the anxiety, and until she does, her ability to communicate effectively probably won't improve. It's got nothing to do with me, even if I'm the person she's most frequently at odds with. As a result, I have extremely limited contact with her. I don't see her for more than a few hours at a time, when we have an activity to do together, and only a handful of times a year. More than that, and I get brainworms by proxy, so for my sanity, I've limited what I am willing to do with her. Maybe your indirect communicator is someone worth effectively learning a second language for, like a lover. Maybe they're someone you can cut out of your life entirely without issue, like a manger at a retail job you can quit. You'll have to decide.

Anyway, that's my raised-bilingual ADHD/Autism Direct/indirect communicator ramble, hope it helps.

[alexthebordercollie]

Ford's autism

K so I don't think I need to defend the interpretation Ford is on the spectrum. People make jokes about him being autistic all the time. We all see it. What I want to do here is sort of connect together some character details and examine them through the lense of my own autistic experiences.

I wanna start with his hands. It's an observation I've seen from multiple people that Ford is insecure about his hands and often hides them behind his back or in his pockets. And yeah, he is obviously insecure about them. He even mentions his six fingers at times when they aren't really relevant to anything. It just showcases the space this physical deviation of his takes up in his mind. And yes, it makes sense that he's insecure about them because he was bullied for them growing up. I want to add to this observation.

Ford would have been bullied regardless.

The problem was never really his hands. When you're on the spectrum people around you can tell that you're weird. Uncanny. Something is different and feels wrong about you to NT people, especially kids. They will pick any shallow superficial thing they can find as an excuse to bully you and justify the sense of revulsion they feel around you but can't articulate. If Ford had been born with normal hands they just would have made fun of him for something else, it would have been his glasses, or the movies he liked, or hell maybe some good old-fashioned antisemitism. Literally, any excuse they could find.

I know growing up I tried for years to change the things about me that I was made fun of for and it never made things any better. The bullying never stopped. "Fixing" things about myself didn't work because the thing that was actually "broken" was something fundamental to who I am. That realization as a kid was soul-crushing. That there was nothing I could do that would ever make me "normal", that would ever make people like me. I felt like an alien born on the wrong planet.

Ford continues to latch onto his hands as a sore spot because they're something simple and obvious he can point to as an excuse for why he's so outcast. He probably knows by this point that the hands aren't actually the problem. I'd argue this journal entry and his comment about "another failed social interaction" shows that he's aware his hands aren't actually the problem. But, it is a lot easier to fixate on those than to dwell directly on that sinking feeling that at the core of you're being you are fundamentally weird, wrong, unlovable. Ford's a genius. If his polydactyly bothered him that much he could have removed the extra digits. The hands aren't the problem, they're a symbol of a more fundamental kind of pain.

Looking at it through this context also makes the gloves Fiddleford gives him an extra sweet gift given what they represent. A kind of wholehearted acceptance of who Ford is and even a willingness to adapt to his unique needs just to show him love and affection. I think something that hurts me so much about their relationship is that Ford had someone who very clearly loved him as is and would have never wanted him to be someone or something else, and Ford was too stubborn to fully appreciate that.

The same is true of Stanely by the by. He never had a problem with his brother being weird. Another relationship with someone who loved Ford as is but who Ford took for granted. He needs these kinds of relationships in his life. People who embrace and accept him for the weirdo he is. He needs them desperately, which gets me to my next point.

Ford's ego. So it's also a common observation that Ford has a massive ego. He's kind of an ass, to put it mildly. But I have had someone in conversation frame it like the pressure to prove themselves was just on Stanley and Ford just spent his whole life being hyped up and told he was hot shit. This isn't true, or at least it's a flattening of his experiences.

Ford was praised for his genius. This is true. But his own father only gave a shit when said genius showed signs of netting material gains for the family. It only mattered cause Ford could be useful. Furthermore, this genius never netted him social acceptance from his peers growing up. He was still a bullied, weirdo, loser most of his childhood. Add that seeing Stanley kicked out would have drilled into Ford's head that if he couldn't make something out of himself his family wouldn't want him either. Stan was an unspoken threat of what this family does to failures.

Gonna bring up my own personal experiences again. Having set the stage for how it feels growing up on the spectrum. That feeling of alienness that you can't really explain. I loved to write and draw from a very young age. Moreover, as I got older I realized that when I drew, people were nice to me. The only time I got social acceptance was when people were admiring or praising me for my art. So I did it more and more, I devoted myself feverishly to my art. I loved it anyway and would have hyper-fixated on it regardless but the positive reinforcement turned art from something I loved to a need. I NEEDED to be an artist. I needed to be the best at my school. I needed all eyes on my work because it was the only way I could make friends. The only way I could prove that I had value. That I deserved a place in society.

I see that in Ford. I see his ego not as shallow narcissism but as an overwhelming need to prove his value as a person. To be loved and accepted and believing that no one will want him if he isn't brilliant. If he doesn't change the world. If he isn't useful. This is also why he couldn't bring himself to destroy his research even knowing it was the safest and most responsible option. Burning down everything he worked for would mean finally giving up on the fantasy of ever being accepted or valuable.

The sad thing is he's so single-mindedly fixated on this personal goal of proving his worth to the world that when people do come along that love him unconditionally he takes them for granted. These people are statistical anomalies in his life. Nice to have around, but not enough to fix the bigger problem. They aren't reflective of society at large. They aren't enough to prove that he, personally, is loveable. Just that on occasion he meets another weirdo. For a while it's nice. Like a campfire in a barren tundra. But he has to keep moving, he can't stay. Warmer lands are ahead if he can just get to them. If he can just keep moving.

This also is why Ford was so susceptible to Bill. Bill told Ford what he wanted to hear. That he was destined for greatness. That, the fundamental wrongness he felt all his life was something incredible other people just couldn't see. Bill promised Ford exactly what he wanted, but not what he actually needed. Ford never needed the world at large to accept him. He just needed a few good people.

I also think his chemistry with Bill was connected to his autistic experiences as well. Bill is literally an alien. There's no pressure to mask around him. To try and "act normal". Ford can just be himself with Bill and not have to think about it. And sure, he could be himself around Fiddleford, but Fidds is still human. The anxieties of human social expectations are still present. Like when Fidds get him a gift for the holidays and Ford feels a bit guilty that it didn't even occur to him to do the same. He doesn't have to think about these social nuances with Bill.

That said I'm sure Bill isn't what his world would have considered neurotypical anyway. Not that Ford would know that. But Bill was also a strange freak in his own society. Just as outcast, possibly more so. I think Bill sees a bit of his own experiences reflected in Ford. I think he relates to him on a level. Not that he would ever admit it outright due to his own ego. I think Bill's fixation on him after the breakup also stems from Ford rejecting the path that Bill chose for himself. Bill still lives with some sort of deeply repressed guilt for what he did. Imagine how validating it would have been to see someone else like him burn their own world to the ground for the same reasons Bill did. But no, Ford's a better man than him, and Bill can't stand it.

Ok, I don't know how to end this long-ass monologue so I'm gonna call it here I guess. I just wanted to spill some thoughts of mine about Ford as a character. If anyone else wants to add to this with other examinations of Ford's character through this lense go right ahead. I'm just saying as an autistic person myself I understand every choice Ford made. I could relate to why he did the things he did even if I know those were mistakes and even acknowledging that he's kind of an asshole. Ford is a strange man who makes an eerie amount of sense to me.

[creatingblackcharacters]

Ice's Favorite Black Characters, #3:

Charlotte, from Queen Charlotte

Okay so first: I have zero intention of watching the rest of Bridgerton. It doesn't appeal to me. But every time a clip shows up, if I see my girl I'm like "ooooh what my girl Charlotte wearing today??" Bc she be DRESSING.

I cannot tell y'all how much I love this woman. First of all, the casting was superior. And I'm sure y'all have noticed by now, but I am a huge fan of costuming that actually works with Black characters, especially in a period piece. There's shoving us into these outfits with bad wigs meant to forcibly and uncomfortably assimilate us, and then there's STYLING your Black characters! Her AFRO and afro extensions are in full force in the left pic!! Her look as an older woman looks like the way my granny would curl her hair, pinned into an extravagant wig!! It looks like their Black hair!!! (HBO should be a fucking shamed)

Okay. Onto her personality. I'll be honest, Charlotte reminds me of me. Charlotte is blunt, and I love that. She said what she said, and that's that. No bullshit. She's not a sweetheart, at all. Society doesn't like Black women that are direct, let alone when they're in power. I feel like if she were a man, we'd be saying she was an "autistic icon" for her bluntness, and her issues with occasional empathy ("sorrows, prayers") Alas, Black women don't get to be autistic, we get to be "bitches".

She shows her naivete and ignorance often, but she's not stupid- when she senses something is off, she calls it out. Period. She's also very loving! But she's not... Affectionate, in a way that most people would deem affection. but it is clear that she loves the people she loves, and holds them dear to her. Lady Danbury wouldn't be her right hand (and Brimsley her left) if Charlotte didn't want and value her there.

Not to mention, she's very passionate, especially about her man. You don't drop a line like "I care not for his sanity! I care for his happiness, I care for his soul." And not be passionate. But that's also one of her flaws! Charlotte is so caught up in the mission impressed upon her and George, that she loses sight of her own children's happiness. She's not the greatest of mothers, and it's clear it's bc she's prioritized her own mission (babies, continue the great experiment, keep George okay) onto the next generation. Meanwhile, she herself was just as awkward and naive and unsure when SHE showed up to court. Also, "virgins to the left of me, whores to the right" was a wild comment to make lmao. Read the hell out of them damn kids 🤣 she wasn't right but she was right.

Lastly, I love seeing a Black woman loved and adored. George LOVES her, to the point he's willing to go through literal torture to be the man he thinks she wants. I wanna see that. I wanna see us being loved on that intensely. And she loves him just as much.

So yeah. Queen Charlotte was amazing to watch as a Black girl who likes pretty dresses, isn't a sweetheart, and wants to be loved unconditionally. 🤌🏾🔥💕