#idk how to talk abt this without feeling like im talking over or invalidating ppls experiences relating with a character

[puppyeared]

who up seeing their disorder in a fictional character but feel like its not their place to put a name on it

[azenta]

Do a lot of 3s have emotional breakdowns bc that's me rn lmfao i think it's the pressure from everyone else and myself that's getting to me. You can just disregard this if you dont want to answer, i just dont want to talk to any of my friends bc i dont want to show this side of me to them and i think you provide good insight, if you do choose to answer this

Anyways i'm having a breakdown over the fact i regret opening up to a family member abt my depression bc i think they just invalidated my feelings (basically said dont be depressed :). And to not kill myself bc i am the so called "golden child" and that i do helpful things around the house. Like..wow ok thanks i guess so ppl only like me for the things i can do....not for who i am). I only told them about 1 event/person that has contributed to my depression. And they used that info to yell at me earlier and pretty much say it's normal amd to not let it bother me...I dont think they truly understand how much that event affected me. I guess its a good thing i only told them that and not all the other shit that i've had to deal with. I'm never telling them shit ever again. And them saying they have their own stresses too n shit like yeah i know everyone has worries but i dont think it was necessary to tell me that what i went through was nothing...Like as if i havent been downplaying my depression all these years and is probably why it's gotten so much worse now. Also they said all this while my siblings were in ear shot so now they sorta know about that incident. Which i didnt want them to know about so yeah im really not turning to them for anything anymore, that was the 1st time i ever told them something personal and they've fucked it up

The only thing i would want to tell them is how much they and this whole family makes me even more depressed so much...i fr only feel happy and relaxed when i'm alone or just not with them. I try to like my family i rly do but i just cant and my dislike of them just keeps growing more. I dont have a connection to them. I feel genuinely happy when i think of a future without them. I honestly think this family member is guilt tripping me and my younger sister with the fact that one of my older sisters had to drop out of college and get a job to help the family out. And my other 2 older siblings made some bad fuck ups that has led to more pressure and harshness on me and my younger sister to have a successful life/career. Idk why they have to yell at us about it, get mad at our mom who forced our sister to do that. I never asked to be born and tell her to do that. And they're always on my ass about my art business, they think i'm not trying and keep trying to force their advice on me like dude i got it !! Pls just leave me alone to do my own thing, art isnt easy, it's hard to get business going in tje beginning but i am really trying... they rly think my shop is gonna be popular in one week. Despite how hard it is, art is literally the only thing thats keeping me alive - to be successful in an art business and be recognized for my skills and all that is all i've always wanted. Its the only thing i'm passionate about and determined to achieve. I know what i'm doing but i really dont think they have any confidence in me. This is the only thing i've done that is genuinely for me... i've done most things to meet up their expectations, evem forced myself to go to a year of college bc i knew they wanted to me to go despite me knowing full well i didnt have the mental state to go. Im still trying to build a career for myself, but they really dont think im trying and probably think i'm gonna be a fuck up like my other 2 older siblings

Like fuck it maybe i should just die if it will make it so much easier for them. Like one less person to feed and to house. I've been wanting to die for years now, i should just do it. Sometimes i just wsnt to die to make them feel guilty lmfao but i wonder if they even care enough to feel that way. I'm most likely not going to tho since the thought of failing to do so stops me...i dont want to deal with the consequences of a failed attempt. And i'll be damned if i dont become a recognizable artist before my death. Maybe i should release all my pent up anger on them since they always seem to do that to me. Anyway. This is probablg rly over dramatic lol and stupidly emotional, i'm usually not like this, idek if i can blame my typology on this lol idk if other xntjs and sp 3w4s deal with their frustrations this way

I dont think it is related to being a 3 specifically, but rather this what made you a 3 core. The 3 core mechanisms is actually what makes you survive through this and makes you want to strive.

It's also beyond enneagram. Depression in itself is often the result of someone being stuck for lengthy periods of time in an environment and/or situation that doesn't respond to their needs or doesn't let them respond to their needs. As a side note, yes, depression can start as early as childhood, since a lot of parents are actually adults with lot of unresolved issues and who are just perpetuating a generational trauma without noticing. Some children have a temperament that makes them "adapt" to the trauma, or rather make them fit to the mold, while some other don't and feel how unfit and painful this mold actually is. Both type of children will suffer, but differently.

Being depressed even as a chronic feeling reflect how much the environment is either not suitable for the individual, even if it's family (by blood, I'd rather precise), and/or that the person is struggling to adapt to it. In any case, I would remind you it's not a question of being your fault or not, whatever they tell you and despite all the guilt you feel. It's far more complex than that. I know rationally you will get that, but it's your emotional side that need to be taken care of. You need to see what you can do to accommodate to this environment, while considering it might still be extremely difficult to near impossible for you to completely adapt to it. Lack of adaption and possibility to rearrange the circumstances (powerlessness) will result in stress, anxiety and depression, which has for goal to push you to eventually move out from this environment.

And you don't need to try to like them. You can learn to respect them as their own person, independently of you, but when you consider yourself in relation to them, don't fight the unpleasant feelings. Those feelings are here to inform you about the health of the relationship. It speaks about your need and how met or unmet they are in the given situation and relationship. What you can do is see if a compromise is possible and try to meet it. If despite your attempts your brain compute that it experiences far more bad experiences than good, then it is informing you this relation isn't that good for you (costs are greater than benefits), and from that, you do experience an instinctual response such as avoiding them in your case. Don't fight it, it makes you survive. When something costs more than what you can get, it's only natural you find ways to avoid it and that you feel depleted of energy, thus the stress, anxiety and depressive reaction I spoke above.

If you want to feel like living instead of surviving, then it will be to seek ways to rearrange your environment and circumstances little by little (which can mean changing of place, having less interaction as possible, etc). This dream you have is very important, cherish it and act on it the most you can. This is what will help you see and make the moves to create a better reality for yourself. It will take time, but each steps you take bring you closer to your goal.

Don't hesitate to seek any kind of professional help if possible. It can be a therapist, social worker, even life coach. Do little stuff that makes you feel happy or even just comfortable and relieving, even if it's just a little. Respect the days where you feel more depressed, and take the time to meditate on what are realistic goals for you this day. If you feel apathy or indifference, then your rational is having the lead, so take this opportunity to do things that would have been draining emotionally (tho your thoughts might be pessimistic when in apathy mode, those need to be tackled when you actually feel any agreeable or disagreeable emotions).

Anyway, I know you didnt ask specifically for advices, but I couldn't not say nothing about this. I just think it's normal you have this kind of reaction if you live in an environment that isn't the healthiest for you. It's normal to have emotional outbursts, especially if you usually repress all of it.

As I said, to resume, it's not a question of what type you are, even tho it speaks of what made you that type. Focus on yourself and your own aspiration, I understand it sucks to not be supported and even being discouraged from your goals. Look for ways you can "fit" in your environment that are not to costly vs the benefices you get, and work for the ways that will direct you toward the kind of environment that'll be best for you.

I know, easier said than done. See it as a big project you will need days and months to work upon. The biggest canvas/story you will have to work upon. Some days will leave you with the blank syndrome, some other the lines or color won't seem to do or fit as you'd like, and some other you will only be able to add one motif or line, but some other days it will just come perfect and you will be able to do more.

Anyway, I hope it could help you some bit. If you have any other questions or want some advices, don't hesitate to send an ask. I don't only do typology asks, I do self development and psychology kind of ones as well x)

[luvknow]

under the cut is all 30-ish asks LOL i’ve tagged those who didn’t go on anon!! if i missed anyone, im sorry ;;;;;

1.  I think Lisa's fully thai and pretty sure Yeri (I'm assuming red velvet's) is fully korean, but I completely agree with you about Lana! I don't understand the support for a fully white person in kpop- like why??? Also I think Somi not being supported has to do more with 'oh look this popular girl was on sixteen/produce so lets just hate on her'- doesn't make sense. And your post on asian eyes is soo true!! Like got bullied over 'chinky' eyes but a white person having them is celebrated.

ahhh ok i thought lisa was half because her last name doesn’t sound thai, but i could just be ignorant! and yeri hm does she have a step parent? someone told me her dad was an actor or something but anyways!! and with somi yeah i think it could be that too :/ one time i saw a white person cosplay at this anime convention and they taped their eyes and i................ wanted to die...........LOL

2.  !!! I literally sent another an to someone about this (I don't know if my asks keep getting eaten or if no one wants to respond 😞) but like she's apparently gotten surgery to look more Korean 🙄🙄 however she doesn't look Korean at all in her music video. Also yeah she can kinda sing but it's not anything special at all. Also the dancing.. apparently she's "classically" trained... when I watched her dance I was so confused because I expected more - pt.1 soz /  But it didn't seem like she knew how to follow a simple routine at all. I'm classically trained and it's hard work so to me it's kinda insulting that she thinks she can lie about that??? Maybe she isn't but.. Also this song isn't catchy and the lyrics are ? V questionable. Anyways that my two cents, take it as you will. - pt.2

i hope the surgery thing isn’t true, i won’t believe it until i see evidence or something but......... thassa no.......................................... classically trained sounds like that takes yeeeaarrrss to do, i hope she didn’t lie about that cuz like what’s the point in lying skjdskjd

3.  Kpop is literally for asians.. It's an Asian genre catering to Asian people... Idk why white people decided to come in and why this Lana girl feels the need to debut as an idol. Honestly, kpop for me (as an Asian) was the one place I could go to and be surrounded by other Asians, who appreciate OTHER ASIANS and their music. I'm tired of white people coming in and taking things that don't belong to them... like just go debut in Russia or America if they want to debut so badly...

I FUCKING!!!!! I’m SAYING UGH LIKE I DON’T GET WHY IT HAS TO BE K-POP OUT OF ALL GENRES?????????????? couldn’t she have like.... debuted and then worked with k-pop artists like that’s a collaborative effort on both ends rather than her appropriating ugh i just.......... it does Not make sense.

4.  @miniwaves​ Who is this Lana and why are they letting a fully WHITE person debut in an ASIAN group??? As an Asian I feel very offended, this is something that is important to our culture and something we have that is separate from other countries... but sure go ahead and let someone not of that culture join just because it's "good publicity". Freaking heck...

i think she’s debuting as a soloist, i could be wrong, but even if it was a group i just.... don’t like it and it doesn’t make sense to me and yeah i agree i think it’s insulting to those who have a personal connection as an asian to have someone not asian take advantage of the rise in kpop like this.

5.  okay i looked up lana and watched her live and it was not pretty to see or listen to... as an asian i feel weird seeing a white person in a kpop/asian industry... it's very cringy to watch too...

it’s weird, i think it’s kinda gross, and yeah i bet it’s a lil cringey lol

6.  no offense to lana but i don’t think you’d wanna hear her sing,,,, there’s that one group (z-girls??) with all asians like thai, indonesian, indian, japanese, filipino, but people are mad bc they should classify as kpop bc they’re not korean. but ppl are supporting lana even tho she’s also not korean, because it gives them hope that they can also be kpop idols and be with their oppas

YES Z-GIRLS :(((( WHERE IS THERE ATTENTION?? a colorful group of beautiful ASIAN women trying to make it in an ASIAN industry but you never hear about them why???????? like none of this is fair lmao omfg your last statement Stop.... spill the tea sis...........

7.  as a run-of-the-mill white person... I don’t get why anyone who is white feels the need to perform in kpop or become a kpop artist because they have their own culture/country/industry/ whatever tf that they can make music and perform in?? That’s all music is, really, an industry and I can understand wanting to be involved in some way but just singing in Korean shouldn’t be enough for you to be deemed a “kpop artist”

“run of the mill white person” omg please lol and oooo i think your last statement is very interesting because what really constitutes as a kpop artist these days, especially if the idol is asian but not korean, you know? but yes, thank you for addressing that white people have their own music industry skjdalkjds

8.  YES EXACTLY like i have a Very Chinese name and i didn't start becoming cool with it until i got into exo m because yifan luhan zitao yixing!! so even though i'm into other groups too, exo will always have a special place in my heart. and same, i used to get made fun of for liking kpop but look at us now

that’s beautiful that kpop can really do that and make non-korean asians feel included in some form you know?? i love it!!

9.  everybody gave that alex reid girl TONS of shit for being a black kpop idol when she was in rania, but now that lana has debuted, she gets all of the love and support and i'm just like ????? freaking flabbergasted by this whole thing :'(

i had to look her up, but that’s so unfortunate and unfair that the backlash only happened to someone who was black, but wasn’t as severe for lana like.... pick a side, you either don’t want non-asians in kpop period or you do like don’t be colorist about it.

10. Yours and that last anon's message about being asian resonated so much

i couldn’t remember which one it was LOL but i’m glad you can relate to us!!

11. i'm kinda curious why lana didn't just stay in russia and start her career there instead of coming to korea, learning korean, and having to go through the whole training process when staying in her home country would have been easier but it's like she knows how popular kpop is now worldwide and is trying to profit and get famous off the hard work of the other groups who had to struggle in order to get kpop recognized in other countries but that's just my opinion

i don’t completely agree with the first part, simply because non-korean asians did all the training and learning korean to become a kpop artist rather than staying in china/thailand/america, BUT i fully agree with that last part like so many idols outside the big 3 and other well known companies are struggling right now.......... and then she swoops in and is getting more attention that most groups like ok..

12. @hnlix  i just think it's really funny how some non-asian people really just wanna talk abt how they feel abt having a full white kpop idol & how good it is .... like..... ok lol !!!!!

girl the way i eye rolled............ im pressed LMAO

13.  white people wanna be oppressed so bad lmaoooo

LIKE WHY THO LMAOOO

14. i hate how asian oppression is largely ignored but once we stand up for ourselves we're making a big deal or being sensitive if you're not asian don't tell us how to feel

LMAO omg it’s cuz we’re “submissive & too sensitive” LMAO like no bitch!!!!

15. Any white kpop fan who is trying to tell an Asian how they're supposed to feel about a music genre that is meant for Asians, created by asians, and catered to ASIAN people who go right f*** off

TELL EM SIS

16.  I think Lisa isn't half white just her stepfather is white I believe

AH OK!!! makes a lot of sense!

17. Lol I’m so sorry you’re getting these white Kpop fans coming here acting all oppressed and calling your opinion invalid. I also got a bunch of these yesterday when I voiced out my opinion- lost a bunch of followers but oh well. These are probably the same fans who low key also want to become idols- smh 🤦🏻‍♀️

losing followers over your feelings of oppression is just natural selection at its finest babie, we in dis together!!!!!!!!!!! that last sentence............ spill the tea sis..........

18. All ur saying is that white people dont belong in an Asian industry lmao idk what anon is getting so worked up about. You’re not even making fun of her ur just stating the facts. There’s a difference

thank you like i didn’t say white people deserve to die or that i called her ugly LOL i just don’t want her in this industry!!!!!!!!

19. @jisungs-veterinar  So i know about Rania she's mixed black but not asian. She is very cute and nice and she got into the industry without any type of talent she just liked songwriting and the agency scouted her without audition but things were good and there wasnt hate from what i saw. But Lana is just a white girl who likes kpop and knows how to dance(nothing special believe me)and just barely learned to sing.Just because daddy has money she got here because she appeared in some kshows.She has no right to be here /  Therefore i just wanna say i agree with you and it angers me so much that Lana is here in kpop ALLOWED to be and ugh

i see, well a lot of kpop artists get their songs from other non-asian artists too. i just don’t like the idea of non-asians considered as idols, even rania, but i’m confused cuz some people are saying she got a lot of hate and some are saying she didn’t but regardless it seems like lana is getting some special treatment and it’s not right. but it’s all heresay i suppose idk kasjdlka

20. okay wow that one anon basically saying that whites are being oppressed?? no. im mixed but i’m ridiculously white passing, most people don’t believe me when i tell them that i’m half chinese but once they hear it, all of the asian jokes come out and i’m reduced to the stereotype of one of my heritages. so please anon, be quiet. also it makes total sense for someone to not be for a white person, or any person who isn’t asian that means alex (i think it’s alex) as well and i’m running out of space /  im continuing lmao from that last ask. kpop/jpop/cpop are specific genres of music that originate from these countries and from the people in these countries. it’s one of the very few ways that asians get recognition and now it’s on a global scale that their effort are being seen so no imo i don’t think that non asians should be coming into the industry. if a nonasian wants to be an artist in a pop genre? please stick to just pop and if you want to show appreciation for these languages and -

one drop of blood that isn’t white and ppl reduce you to that thinking you are lower than they are but then once that drop of blood is popping and flourishing they wanna take advantage of that and it’s hurtful ugh!!! AND YES LIKE ASIANS ARE FINALLY GETTING SOME FORM OF RECOGNITION even if it is asian pop it’s a step forward imo like where else do we get recognized by the masses?

21. the thing is white people already have so much representation in western media. kpop is something uniquely asian and i feel like it would sort of ruin it if white people or other races started trying to debut as idols. i don’t know i don’t want to be exclusive or whatever you would call it, but it just doesn’t seem right in my opinion.

i agree!! it’s something that’s unique to asia/asians and by adding non-asians to the mix i feel like it reduces it’s authenticity and dilutes the pop culture to something other than kpop

22. I see where you’re coming from 100%. Like if some white person tried to enter the Mexican industry(?) I’d be like “wtf” too.

LOL thank you for agreeing jashdajh

23. *filipino/dark skinned kpop idol* KpOp iS oNlY fOr AsIaNs nOt FoR anYoNe ElsE *white asian lookin idol* hmm yea we nees the diversity y'all stop being racist 😏

LMAO PLEASE u tell em sis!!!!!!!!!!! the day a filipino makes it into kpop i will cry

24. Why did nobody back up exp edition as much as this chick?? The clowns y'all are 2day.......

LMFAO...................... it’s cuz she’s a girl and i’m sure most of these anons are girls and you know how it goes................................... lana gives them hope KLJDLKSJDSL

25. @virgolix hi mori 🐥 just wanted to join in as well. & i think i see where ur coming from. from my understanding, it has always been hard to for asians to have proper representation in western media. & that must be why a lot of people are having a hard time supporting lana. she (a non-asian) can make her debut in korea, but not it's not so easy vice versa. how many asian pop musicians do we see who are based in america? few & far between. that's why kpop is so valuable to the asian community 💞 -virgolix / also no pressure to answer that mori & if any bit sounded ignorant - please let me know. always willing to learn 🧸 - virgolix

no no you’re not ignorant at all miss neenz!!! i agree, it will be hard for her, and i hope she’s ready for all the hardships that come with being a non-asian in the kpop industry. and yes, asians don’t get many opportunities in the west for entertainment, and when they do show up it’s a great feeling and accomplishment and step forward for us!! for a long long time, kpop idols and kdrama actors were all i had to look up to, and i’m not even korean lol.

26. @jxsng people really be making discourse about this ??? it’s true though — like z girls and z boys ??? where’s the korean media about them ????? and other asian idols too — there’s a reason why there’s usually only chinese japanese and korean idols , but suddenly white people can come in and everyone fine just because ??? wasn’t there black idols who failed in the industry bc of racism in the past ?????

i didn’t know there was a zboys!!! zgirls weren’t my style, but it’s sad lie where is their attention ://// i’m not so sure about the last part? there was this one rapper who was half black half korean tho who got attention at one point but i dont think she made it big..... i cant remember her name!! :(

27. ok so im only here for that one ask talking abt black kpop idols and i might not know all black kpop idols but the one i know who is the first non asian person to debut in kpop, has said it herself that she wasnt opressed in anyway, glorified even. so idk what theyre talking abt? also i dont like lana not bc she debuted in kpop as a white person but bc its obv that she did it w koreaboo intentions? everything abt her screams koreaboo and im just speechless lol

ah that’s interesting!! idk her story tho. that’s what i think about her too, like why..... does she look like she passes for half asian.... but she isn’t.... and it rubs me the wrong way. but i just also don’t like that she’s white...

28. i honestly find it kinda stupid how ppl are treating this situation. i dont like lana but honestly other races being in kpop shouldnt be such a big issue? if a company wants to debut a nonasian person it shouldnt be our issue? i dont think its anything evil. i just dont like lana because she seems to be trying to look and force the idea that she is asian? if a nonasian person will debut in kpop they should at least have a character of their own yk

you give a really interesting point and i think a lot of my feelings DO stem from her looking asian when she’s not, rather than her just being non asian and trying to make it into kpop, but for a very long time i only had kpop idols to really feel like it was ok to be asian and idrk where i’m going with this LOL but idk i still don’t like the idea of non-asians in kpop, etc. so idk. am i ignorant for feeling this way?

29. people will never understand that white ppl can't be oppressed and poc can't b racist towards white ppl, we can discriminate and be Rude but that's It. fans only think about this One white girl trying to make it in an industry where she doesn't rly belong, but looking at this in terms of society as a whole, it Is a problem. when poc have something that belongs to Them, white people always want in.

UGH LIKE i feel like people are thinking that i legitimately hate this one girl and that’s it like no i don’t hate her, i hate that she and everyone who is supporting her don’t understand where people who are affected by this are coming from and it’s like no one is listening............................. 

30.  anon is kinda stupid ngl how r u gonna say we’re being racist to white people it’s not possible 😭😭😭 u guys really want everything don’t u 😭😭😭

LMAAAAAAAOOOOOO  KJFLKSFJ

31. lana is just a big kboo n all the ppl that support her are just wee little kboos in the making

KJDLKSJDSLKJSLDJ LOOOOOL

32. idk what’s going with this whole thing but, you’re totally right, i’m white and white people ARE NOT oppressed. why are people getting salty abt it?

i literally don’t know LMAO LIKE I’M BEING RACIST FOR DEFENDING SOMETHING THAT WHITE PEOPLE ARE TRYNA DIP THEIR FEET IN WHERE I THINK THEY DON’T BELONG????????? ok

33. either way lana is a whole ass kboo and can’t even perform soo

omg i have never watched her but ajksldjalksdjnasdnasnd

[roaringfuck]

idek what to wrote so im shit posting but i have a lot of feelings rn thst are difficult to navigate like i like this girl shes my best fried. i have a history of liking ppl but their infatuations not genuine and i, this iscommon but it makes me feel like a bad personso i got caught up in thinking am ia bad person for liking her? also she was straight so i jever consideredit and them she stopped being straight and my crush developed and thne i told some friends abt it and i was excited to likeher and whatever then the whole infwtuation thing? and i was like no its not an infatuation bc i rlly just wanna soend time w her. for background i also dont ever confesscuzi did once and super embarrassing and im prideful but also like what if i destroy our current relationship over something thatll never come to be but then also like its not fairof me to sayitll necerr cometo be, ik its unfair of me to do this bc im essentially just making myself feel like shit inthis sick peeudo masterbatory fself flagellating thungwhere i like someone and its oure then my brain attacksitself and sshames itself for having deelings and makes it thinkits doing somethjng wrong and i never just tell the person and give them agency over their feelings bc pf two things: a) i like to suffer in the disappointment of the unknown? like ill sit here and beat myself up saying theyll never kike me bci suck and im fat and ugly and horrible and bad personality or whatever but essentially im weaponizing my crush against myself as a formof self harm and also bc b) very genuinely i dont wanna get rejected and chanheour relationship bc i doe uinely love this person. which cotnradicts all the ugly things in part a but bc of my gross oldy heart and crippled ego and sense of self worth and literally cant let myself feel anything wholesome without casting it in some dark light and lying to myself and telling me i am swxretly evil when im not?? but i also am scared bc what if i am?? and i just cant tell???? so the. i just keep floating in limbo hating myself over and over but quietly so as to not indulge in it (bc i rlly am trying to be kinder to myself but its hard) until one day ilook up and everything has passed me by andim not the same person nd neither are they and im wasting my time and i dont simply dont wanna feel like that anymore and 8 simply dont want to feel anymore so i turn off my feelings, hsving sampled the woes of unrequited love and deciding its notthe life i wanna live right now,maybe my time will come (god i hope i wish i dream my time for love and peace and happiness will come) but until then im gonna vibe out and sneer at men and just keep doing that but also i fear i will grow old and bitter and alone and ugly and hateful. bc i. ery well could. and honestly im a piece of shit most of the time so its probably what i deserve (even if its jsut what i deserve flr not having faith i wont be happy lol) to live my life like that. idk. depression i weird bc udont feel alive but i know im gonna keep living. i usually have some hope that eventually i wont feel sad anymore but every once in a while i wonder, what if this never stops and i always feel empty and create drsma internally sp i can beat myself up over my insufficiency just to feel something until i go numb again. and that paralyzes me like i cant imagine forever feeling like this. but time movesso fast im not gonna ahave to time dig myself out beforeive grown tookld to recover and that makes me wanna die sometimes. idk how i got here from ranting sbt my crush but wild how u spiral soemtimes 🤪🤪🤪 but theres also an important part of me where my feelings arent invalid. i gaslight myself a lot and tell myself i talked myself into this crush to hurt my feelings but like no im not entirely corrupted i have feelings im a person a complex person aand im not alone in my dilemmas and im not a bad person but its hard to remember that sometimes when ur brain is set to self destruct. anyways. i do have a crush on her and she p much told me abt this other girl she was interested in and also abt a guy she

used to flirt with and has been subtweeting abt a gilr on twitter she likes and i just.

really wish she was talking ant me. i wish one day she would say hey ive geen meaning to say... i wish she would hold my hand and smile at me and feel butterfkies when she sees me and i wish i could play with her fingers and sit in her car and talk for hours. and its ok rthat we arent and probably wont and i will be thrilled for her whoever she ends up with ofc bc i love her v dearly. and i know she loves me very dearly and wishes the same thing for me. i just wish we were actually wishing for the same thing

[conflictedrabbit]

2* the AvPD

Conversation w/ my friend I mentioned earlier. With their name / identifying characteristics edited out and some chopping here and there. 

___: 

I made a post abt avod once tho and it got like A few rbs and I thought "if this isn't irony idk what is" Trje

66ccff: ekjal;kdjd;

___: 

me: why do, so many avoidants want to pay for being alive avpd Tumblr: hm . I relate

66ccff: ekleja;ejdl;k

___: me: I'm glad to know people relate but are we fucking ok

66ccff: 

LOL i mean mood tbh

___: HINESTLT like I noticed i do it cuz of you NFBNSBDKSBDKSS

66ccff: though do you mean pay as in like. pay the medical system or pay as in guilt

___: Guilt

66ccff: 

kejk;ldj;L yes ok that is definitely me me: i breathed 5 gallons of air within 3 hours i am so sorry world

___:

me: [realizes it's not entirely religious trauma and also probably just Guilt over taking up space and needing to help ppl otherwise Why Live?} 

Oh god me

66ccff: (this is not even ironic i get like this multiple times a week)

___: 

hdjhdjsd I've been having a bad ep lately actually and like I think I failed to look 5-6 people in the eyes today CUZ IM JUST [WALKS AROHND] WOW . TERRIBLE

66ccff: 

omg it's ok i nearly cried in class today b/c i didn't have a good eng translation for this jp sentence

i was like.... no.... don't....

i stabilized cuz the teacher went on a tangent for a second but like forcing myself to look in his eyes and act normal was so hard i looked away so many times i wa slike. oog my god. end m i love it when walking around where there's other people makes me really nervous and irritable agoraphobia is great!

___: 

GOD yea It's so awkward for me I'm fine if I have a safe person or I'm walking to class but like

66ccff: i came back from class today and took a 6 hr nap cuz of my shame and agoraphobia

___: 

Rip Wish I could do that...

66ccff: well i haven't done my homework so

___: 

I just. Cry a lot NDKSJDJDNSKDNS rip me: I'm strong Me: spent the last 5 days like crying over nothing

66ccff: 

dkjle;ajd i mean... i used to cry but then i got mad at myself for crying so now i just Repress (tm) and sleep and then. the joke is that sometimes it doesn't work self harms... oops... that didn't work either better nap again

___: 

zz Pillows keep u safe Idk what I've been doing lately but I thought I was getting better til I realized I was like Abstaining from feeding myself BFBJSBFSJJFD

66ccff: o h my god

___: 

And I was like "oh fuck I'm a terrible person bc someone told me I should eat and j Didn't Do It I Failed Them"

66ccff: 

ahahahahaahahaha i thought i was getting better too but it was actually because i was just forcing myself to study to give myself an illusion of doing my part and then i went to school and my actual performance is like bad b/c i avoid so many activities that would make me better and i just

___: samd

66ccff: 

Wow i want to die!

___: 

hdjsjdjs

I think I only managed to eat cuz my brother was expecting me to

66ccff: tavpdfw you want to be punished constantly so you don't have to have anxiety about existing

___: 

Cuz he bought me dinner like 6 hours ago but I didn't touch it til now BFJDJD MEEEEE

66ccff: dkja;eljd;

___: 

GOD me: ah I feel good today Me like 3 hours later: oh my God I shouldn't feel good abt myself that's so Selfish ? I am trash

66ccff: oh Mood

___: Avpd solidarity

66ccff: 

honestly i love my environmental soicology class but liek it talks about how we're all consuming and putting things back into the environment

___: Idk how I manage to have avpd and __pd but that's how it is on ths bitch of an earth

66ccff: and i was literally contemplating if death was the only way to take myself out from the cycle

___: 

Me Bhhjsfjd

66ccff: 

i was like holy shit. it's not just consumption i forgot i also put bad gases into the air with everything i breathe i am Bad

___: 

All day today I was hearing abt what happened in Vegas and we were like. Talking in my apologetics class abt the Nature of Evil

66ccff: the true environmentalist take is death

___: And I was just thinking "why must I, exist if all I am is bad"

66ccff: 

oh my god same! i looked over my abt page and i was like this looks fake tumblerina

___: 

apologetics: so mankind is basically evil Me: great! I'll die so there's less evil in the world

66ccff: 

me ME

MEMEMMEMEMEMMEMEMEMEME

___: HHDHSBDJSHD

66ccff: 

sometimes i have fantasies of like going backwards and apologizing to everyone i've ever talked to and to everyone who ever had to work to produce what i've consumed

___: 

M. E

m

66ccff: 

and then hoping that they forget about me and then like disappearing forever i jsut can't see how some people can be like oh yeah factories in china and mexico earn less than 2 dollars an hour to make our stuff and not jus twant to kill themselves

___: 

I'm just pathetic and compulsive if I feel bad about stuff I apologize til like 2 weeks after God. Yea

66ccff: 

the joke is that people hate if you overapologize so you jsut damned if you do damned if you dont :upside_down:

___:

me: uh sorry for being sad People: don't apologize for that Me: Avpd:.  They are mad that I am apologizing also that I am sad Hhhfjjejd

Me: 

ME WKJD;LKD "can you stop saying sorry" "sorry"

___: 

me: oh God I'm so miserable Someone: oh im sorry Me: I wish I could accept this but Pity is too much for a lowly worm like me

66ccff: "what did i just say"

___: MMSNDNBHHHHHHGGGGG

66ccff: 

:smile: :gun:

MOOD

___: avpd feel when you don't deserve to be pitied ?

66ccff: pity is too much kindness ___: 

God yea

LIKE probably just a conflicted feel but I prefer ppl being active than pitying me but then I'm like

"that's selfish I don't deserve that ?"

66ccff: 

someone tells you to watch where you're going feel like you're unable to go outside for the rest of the day

___: 

m. mebdbdhdhdjs

66ccff: oh yeah the joke is that i want people to like. be kind to me but also i don't

___: hell brain

66ccff: so i can't say what i want

___: GGG YEAH

66ccff: 

be kind to me except don't because i'll feel invalid either way so maybe just don't talk to me >feels worse anyway

___: 

Hhhhhhhhhhh me Me: talk to me ? But I don't know what to talk abt ? But I am also not good enough for pity you could just sit there maybe But then the presence of another person will overwhlem me and I'll go cry again/s

66ccff: feel free to entertain yourself, and forget about me, ___: 

Mebdndmdkskdjsja god [looks at all cluster c disorders] you are all bitches and I hate tou

66ccff: 

tavpdfw u gotta depersonalize to make it through the day of talking to other people and acting like ur a normal human bean MOOD

___: GOD yea

66ccff: 

i have a question though if im depersonalizing why do i still feel terrible even if i feel ilke im fake smh

___: God me

66ccff: 

me: i'm not real so heres me acting like i am chill and cool person that is interesting maybe or maybe not me, inside: this sucks and i hate this but im not real so it shouldnt affect me but damn i hate this when u feel separate from your auto-pilot but you still experience all the shame you would without it :thinking: avpd is stupid and contradictory and evolutionarily useless

___: 

__pd isnkind of the same but like if you manage it well you can get stuff done but you still breakdown over the TINIEST DETAIL I hate it And I waste more time thinking abt what I'm gonna do and not actully DOING MT SHIT

66ccff: cripes

___: LIKE A NORMAL PERSON

66ccff:

me in high school UGH i'm ahving that problem right now dude in high school i used to just waste my days reading manga and thnking i should do my homeworka

___: 

me: I'll spend this hour scheduling [2hours later] Me: [stressed nbdjdjjsjdjsjdks

66ccff: and then i'd like. start at 10pm and fuck myself over ___: rip 66ccff: have a crying session at 4am every time an essay is due the next day ___: I actually didn't do one of my assignments tonight 66ccff: bad coping habits ___: Rip me I got discouraged over something lame JFJSNFKSNFD 66ccff: oh mood

___:

relationship issues: occur Me: well, I can't, do anything ever again

66ccff: 

i shouldn't even be discouraged abt my classes bc i'm here to learn and i'm just like. i know nothing i deserve to die kejd;kakejd friend, disagrees with you on something you feel unsure about: WELL I GUESS I AM BAD AND THEY HATE ME NOW time to ghost them

___: 

me: [perceives someone not caring for me] me: and Now...what is Mine Purpose...what do I live for...my Friends....have all abandoned m MEEEEEE avpd sounds super dramatic when you separate it from yourself but like In the moment I'm always just [jdut starts Fucking Crying

66ccff: 

i just want to manage to some kind of social work, give my wealth to some impoverished family, and then kms before 30

yeah my therapists in the past are like why... so soon

___: Jfjdjfjdf 66ccff: and i'm just like "why not i need to minimize all my ills on the world and also on the emotions of my family" ___: That reminds me of like. One of my mutuals talking abt how early he sleeps and he was just 66ccff: this is the optimal time look my life plan

___: 

"why be awake longer than necessary"

Hdhdhfjsjfdjdjdband. I was just . Me

66ccff:

because you hate yourself too much sleep :^)

___: 

God yea That's true. Me rn

I should've been asleep like an hour ago but [plays secret of Mana and then mopes]

66ccff:

dude i used to have bouts of insomnia b4 i got drugs that knock me out (and help me w/ anxiety) like.... i would lay awake and every second of being awake was just making the situation worse

___: I feel like I should get meds to balance out my bipolar eps but

66ccff: but then i couldn't sleep anyway so it was a damned situation ___: my parents r so anti meds 66ccff: rrghbh

___: 

also like Internalized ableism That I don't Needthem and So Many people don't need them

66ccff: oh yeah, why do my essay when i can read an hour of garbage romo manga and feel slightly less bad during that time and then hate myself more

___: 

So I Can do it cuz I'm like Everyone Else and not like Those "crazy" people Rifp

66ccff: 

man i don't wanna encourage meds if your side effects r bad but honestly how did i get the fuck through high school other than triggering intense anxiety about all assignments

like... i was so nonfunctional i shouldn't have even been in school

.....

66ccff: 

all accessibility problems are solvable humans are so bad

___: caring ? About others ? What a concept 66ccff: except sometimes they are good but that is definitely not me

___: 

Me

Ok I try to overcompensate w good to make up for inherent badness THANKS RELIGION

66ccff: 

the US is like: here's a pricetag for your life pay up

___: AAAA

66ccff: 

yeah i can see how christainity wouldn't help there w/ the "original sin" and stuff that doesn't quite exist in other abrahamic religions iirc judaism doesn't even have hell

___:  it's really weird

66ccff: 

i'm guessing its bc of jesus like.... y'all binches killed him so now this is life - christainity

___: 

Like. Christianity makes the most sense to me probably cuz I grew up w it but fuck Man

66ccff:  o yeah i grew up w/ some christianity too ___: It's FUCKED!!!!!! 66ccff:  i actually have agoraphobia issues w/ going inside of churches ___: Oh same 66ccff:  :^) ___: I'm actually fairly anti-church just because the current state of them is very bsd 66ccff:  oh yeah

....

66ccff: 

how can someone like me, who is literally not deserving of life, raise someone else

scrumbles

___:

Me Hdjehdsk

66ccff:  ___ we are so fucked ___: 

It's true Life is fucked We, are fucked

66ccff: existence is violence

[nonbinary-support]

hey I'm not sure how to tell my family that I want top surgery, I'm nb and out but I just don't know how to bring it up

EDIT: it was brought to my attention that i assumed anon mean top surgery to create a flat chest rather than augmentation and i absolutely did and that was really shitty, i’m sorry. i’ve added examples for augmentation, but please keep in mind i do not experience transmisogyny and this isn’t a procedure i would be having or dealing with how to explain it to others. if anyone on this side of things would like to add on, PLEASE do!!

hey! yeah this is a super weird + tough topic to bring up and discuss.

do you have one family member you’re closer to than others? or that would be easier to discuss these kinds of things with? that’s always where i start.

even if you dont, i find it helpful to start wil one person, form that base, and then its not totally as scary when you tell the rest all together bc you know theyre there, they know, and maybe can even help you out and back you up.

as for actually going about it. there is gonna be a point where you just need to spit it out and its scary and awkward as hell. but you can start by easing into it saying things like. hey you know how some ppl transition all different types of ways. or, you know how i have dysphoria? 

if they dont know you have dysphoria (this is assuming you do. if you dont, ignore this :P) it might be easier to start with that. you can talk about you hey you know sometimes i feel weird with my body, like it should be different and it really gets me down and makes it hard to function. etc/whatever ur experience is

honestly talking about your feelings helps so much bc it helps them realize this is not some rash phase thing but that there are feelings behind this that warrant it. talk abt dyphoria/a disconnect with ur body/how it feels to not have a flat chest/to not have breasts/the desire/etc

for making your chest flat, you can say that some people get top surgery which is like a (ok just a warning im going to use the medical term for top surgery which is applied towards cis women) mastectomy, except its to make your chest look naturally flat. you have been thinking about this for a while and you know it is what would really help you and is something you need. 

for augmentation, that same last part, but it is also a more commonly done and known about procedure, so you will have less explaining/teaching to do of what the procedure actually entails. you can talk about dysphoria and/or the desire/need to have breasts and how that manifest for you like i talked about earlier, but you can also go at it from a non-purely physical standpoint.

you can talk about how maybe you already use breast forms, so you know this is something you want and you much prefer how you look in clothes with breasts to without (if applicable, you can add in the dysphoria again from being in clothing with a flat chest) you can also talk about how, if you’re wearing “women’s” clothing, most, like all, is made to accommodate breasts and not having them makes it very hard to find flattering clothing. this would allow you a wider range of clothing to choose from, allowing you again to possibly alleviate dysphoria from being able to wear the type of clothes you want to in the first place!

for a flat chest, the same goes in terms of binding. if you already bind, that offers “evidence” to them that you know what you look like with a flat chest and this is something you really want. you can talk about the dangers of binding that are inevitable, even when doing so properly. you can talk about what you already might experience, back/rib pain, trouble breathing, etc. too, you can also talk about binding under clothes and how it often does not give you as flat a chest as you would naturally have and the dysphoria possibly left over from that, as well as having to choose clothing based on how well it hides your chest/binder (material, thickness/weave, cut/looser, etc)

for flat chests, offering to show pictures can help bc often the picture they create in their mind is only from what theyve seen of mastectomies for cancer patients and they picture some weird scary mutilated image of their child/sibling/whatever (this is not at all to say that is what the chests of cancer survivors look like. this is to say they often only have that image so they use that as a base (inaccurate) and then turn that into what they perceive to be that gross Your Mutilating Ur Body cis trope)

but also, if they are not ready to see pictures, do. not. show. them. if they are not comfortable with u being trans already, this will make things worse. it can set you back a lot and that sucks but sometimes you just need to do whats gonna be best for you.

something that apparently really helped my mom was mentioning that worst case scenario, i could always get implants. of course, for me, this was and is never something that would be right for me or even be a consideration, but i needed her on my side and a parents thought is always What If You Change Your Mind. easing their worries helps your case even if it goes against you.

this goes for breast augmentation too, where you can say the same thing that you could always get them removed. you have the added benefit in terms of scars of being able to say that they tend to not be very noticeable or look different from a cis person’s augmentation. here, again, you can also show pictures. too, if theyre not ready to think of you as someone with breasts, don’t show them, because they will likely let that get in the way of letting you (if you need their permission) have surgery, and it will just affect their judgment anyway.

if they are okay with it though, you may even choose to show them cis and trans after pictures to show that it is not that different in case they are worried if you were ever stealth and someone “finding out” from your scars... idk. but pictures in general may very well be able to work in your favor because they can see how unobtrusive and natural the end result and scars typically are.

also, i would mention the size and show after pictures of ppl w/ that size and a similar body type to yours, and let them know, if applicable, that you are not going “ginormous” like many cis people first seem to think, idk why. that you just want natural breasts. and if you dont, thats absolutely your choice, but it may not be the best idea to tell them how precisely large you plan on going, though maybe a rough idea isnt such a bad idea so theyre not shocked and have time to picture you this way and become more comfortable with the idea of surgery, but yeah if you want large breasts, as in larger than typical or expected for your body type, they may see that as less "okay” and use that as an excuse to invalidate you/your needs.

i hope this was somewhat helpful. if you need anything more, feel free to msg us again :)

-emma