#i am actually physically ill because of these photos

[vanessagillings]

I’m posting the ever-so-rare photo of myself alongside one of my characters based on my childhood because today is World Autism Acceptance Day, and I wanted to show my little corner of the internet who this particular autistic person is:  

I was officially diagnosed in February, at age 38 (I’m now 39). A lot of people thought I couldn’t be autistic.  Some people who know me in real life still don’t.  And until around 10 years ago, I didn’t think I could be either, because I was nothing like the stereotype media portrays. I was told that autistics lacked empathy (untrue), and never played make-believe (also often untrue) and only enjoyed STEM.  I was — and am — an empathetic artist -- and make believe?  I can spend days sketching finely bedecked bears brewing tea or carefully choosing the right words to weave tapestries of fiction — though perhaps my hyper focus was a bit of a red flag.  Even so, how could autism describe me?  I was a good student.  I got straight A's. I didn’t act out in class.  I can make eye contact…if I must.  And lots of girls hate having their hair brushed with an unholy passion, right?  Clearly I swim in sarcasm like a fish, so autism couldn't be why I was so anxious all the time, could it?

If someone had told me when I was younger what autism ACTUALLY is — instead of the nonsense I’d seen on screens — I would have seen myself in it.  I didn’t hear that autistics have sensory issues until I was in my mid-twenties, which is when I first began to really research autism symptoms, and I had almost all of them:  sensitivity to light, smells, fabrics, temperatures, textures, and certain touches, all of which make me feel anxious, I fidget (stim), I never know what the hell to do with my hands or where to look, I talk too little or too much, I have special interests, I have entire animated movies memorized shot-by-shot and can remember the first time and place I saw every movie I've ever seen but I often forget what I'm trying to say mid-sentence, I echo movies and tv shows (my husband and I have a whole repertoire of shared echolalias, making up about 20% of our conversations), I was in speech therapy as a kid, I have issues with dysnomia and verbal fluency, I toe-walk, I can't multitask to save my life, I like things just-so, I’m deeply introverted but not shy, I need to recover from all social interaction — even social interaction I enjoy — and I find stupid, every day things like grocery shopping, driving and making appointments overwhelming and intensely stressful, sometimes to the point where I struggle to speak.  It turns out, I am definitely autistic. My results weren't borderline. Not even close. And while these aren’t all of my challenges, and not everyone with these symptoms is autistic, it’s definitely something to look into if you present with all of these things at once. 

So why did it take me so long to get diagnosed? The same bias that exists in media threads through the medical community as well, and because I'm a woman who can discuss the weather while smiling on cue, few people thought I was worth looking into. Even after I was fairly certain I was autistic, receiving an official diagnosis in the US is unnecessarily difficult and expensive, and in my case, completely uncovered by my insurance.  It cost me over $4000, and I could only afford it because my husband makes more money than I do as a freelance illustrator — a job I fell into largely because it didn’t require in-person work; like many autists, I have been chronically underemployed and underpaid, in part due to physical illness in my twenties, which is a topic for another day.  But it shouldn’t be like this.  It shouldn’t be so hard for adults to receive diagnoses and it shouldn’t be so hard for people to see themselves in this condition to begin with due to misinformation and stereotypes. Like many issues in America, these barriers are even higher for marginalized groups with multiple intersectionalities. 

It’s commonly said that if you’ve met one autistic person, you’ve met one autistic person.  This is why it’s called a spectrum, not because there’s a linear progression of severity (someone who appears to have low support needs like myself might need more than it seems, and vice versa), but because every autistic person has their own strengths and weaknesses, challenges and experiences, opinions and needs.  No two people on the spectrum present in the same way.  And that’s a good thing!  No way of being autistic is inherently any better than any other, and even if someone on the spectrum struggles with things I don’t — or can do things I can’t — doesn’t make them more or less deserving of respect and human dignity.

But speaking solely for myself, the more I learn about autism, the happier I am to be autistic.  I struggle to find words and exert fine motor control, but my deep passion and fixation has made me good at art and storytelling anyway.  I find more joy watching dogs and studying leaf shapes on my walks than most people do in an entire day.  More often than not, the barriers I’ve faced weren’t due to my autism directly, but due to society being overly rigid about what it considers a valid way of existing.  My hope in writing this today is that maybe one person will realize that autism isn’t what they thought — and that being different is not the same as being less than. My hope with my fiction is to give autistic children mirrors with which to see themselves, and everyone else windows through which to see us as we actually are.

If you’re interested in learning more about autism or think you might be autistic, too, I recommend the Autism Self Advocacy Network  autisticadvocacy.org and the following books:

What I Mean When I Say I’m Autistic by Annie Kotowicz

We're Not Broken by Eric Garcia

Knowing Why edited by Elizabeth Bartmess

Unmasking Autism by Devon Price, PhD

Loud Hands edited by Julia Bascom

Neurotribes by Steve Silberman

(trigger warning: the last two contain quite a lot of upsetting material involving institutionalized child abuse, but I think it’s important for people to know how often autistic children were — and are — abused simply for being neurodivergent).

Thanks for reading 💛

[bratzforchris]

Bumps n' Bruises

Summary: In which Matt just wants to play like Chris, but his body won't quite let him do that

Pairing: Little!Matt x feminine caregiver!reader x little!Chris

Warnings: Joint dislocation, chronic illness, little bit of pain and crying

Word Count: 1k

A/N: I was recently diagnosed with hypermobile Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome (hEDS) (the type Matt has in this fic!), so ofc I had to project :) The zebra is the official mascot for rare disorders and I felt like that photo was very little!Matt 🩷 As always, I'm not saying/assuming that Matt actually has this syndrome, nor am I saying/assuming he's a little. Hate/unnecessary rudeness will be blocked and deleted. Enjoy<3

Matt was just like any other little in most ways. He loved stuffed animals, snuggling with his caregiver, and could easily be bribed into cleaning up his toys with a gentle promise of ice cream. Ever since he had started regressing at the recommendation of his therapist, Matt’s quality of life had drastically improved. No longer did he shut himself away in his room when the terrible feelings washed over him. Instead, he popped his paci in his mouth and got curled up on the couch or in bed with his mommy, enjoying the soft, gentle praises you showered him with. 

However, Matt’s regression wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows all the time. Having Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, especially with joint hypermobility, left the little in pain quite often. Oftentimes, a dose of ibuprofen, his heating pad, and snuggles from Mommy would do the trick to ease the physical pain, but that didn’t make the emotional part of being chronically ill suck any less. This was especially evident when Matt would watch the way his younger brother, Chris, could easily play, roll, and tumble around with no pain. 

Sharing you as their caregiver wasn’t always easy, but Matt and Chris made it work. Whereas Matt tended to lean towards a younger headspace of 1-3 and enjoyed milk and snuggles, Chris opted for a headspace of 4-6, enjoying being beyond wild, but never naughty. It was rare that the boys ever played together, simply because of their different ages. Chris enjoyed cars, trucks, and dinosaurs, while Matt liked lambs, soft lullabies, and being actively attached to your hip at all times. 

There were times though, like today, where some game clicked between the two and they would happily sit on the living room rug, sharing in each other’s company. It had started out as a relatively normal afternoon. Chris was sat on the rug, happily pushing his Hot Wheels around the “track” that he had made out of the couch cushions, while Matt sat wrapped up in his blanket, happily watching Mrs. Rachel on the television. The older of the two boys had been in a significant amount of pain earlier in the morning, complaining of “‘M bones hurt, mama”. The extra attention you’d been giving Matt due to his flare up had caused quite the whiny spell for Chris, and you silently wiped your brow, thankful for the ease in tension. 

In his small headspace, Matt didn’t know how it had happened. One moment, he was entranced in his video; the next, he was eagerly eyeing the neon orange toy car that Chris was playing with. “‘M pway too?” he asked his brother, a slight gleam in his blue eyes. 

“Matt play?” Chris hummed, happily cocking his head.

The “younger” of the two boys nodded, moving out of his blanket and scooting next to his brother. Chris handed Matt a small, blue racecar, eagerly showing him how to play with it. For the next few minutes, only the sound of happy giggles could be heard from the living room as you stood in the kitchen, stirring the mac n cheese for the boys’ lunch. It warmed your heart to hear them enjoying each other’s company, seeing as how they tended to play their own games in little space. You had just turned off the heat on the stove, when you suddenly heard a sobbing wail that could only be described as a “little Matt noise”. 

You rushed into the living room, only to see Matt with his knees drawn to his chest, cradling his right hand. Beside him, Chris had scooted slightly away from his brother, a slight look of fear crossing his features. “What happened, bubbas?” You asked softly, so as not to scare the boys anymore. 

“‘M fingew!” Matt wailed, trying to show you the injury. 

Your heart dropped when you saw Matt’s ring finger painfully dislocated, the joint of his knuckle bent at an odd angle. “Oh sweetpea,” You murmured sadly. “Can I see it?”

“No,” Matt cried. “Hurts.”

Despite Matt’s sobs, you gently took his right hand in your own, examining the dislocation. Luckily, it wasn’t terrible enough to have to go to the emergency room, but unfortunately, you were going to have to pop it back in. “Shhhh, I know, angel. Let Mama pop it back in, baby.”

Though his blue eyes filled with fear, Matt allowed you to take his hand and gently pop the joint back into place. His sobs echoed around the room for a moment, until they slowly dissipated once he shoved his thumb back into his mouth. Your heart broke for your boy, hating the way his condition put him in so much pain. Thankfully, Matt wasn’t much taller or heavier than you, so you gently lifted him onto your hip, setting the down of you down onto the couch. The boy immediately curled into your side, sniffling softly as he sucked his thumb, which allowed you to glance over at Chris, who was still curled into the corner, anxiously looking on. 

“Hey bubba,” You hummed with a soft smile. “Wanna do me a big favor?”

Chris nodded eagerly, always a “helper” little one. “Mhm!”

“Can you go get Matt an ice pack for his finger, please?”

Chris nodded enthusiastically, scurrying off towards the kitchen, eager to help. While you waited, you gently plucked Matt’s thumb from his mouth, replacing it instead with his sunny, yellow pacifier that was laying on the coffee table. By the time Chris returned, carrying an animal shaped ice pack, Matt was almost asleep, yawning widely. Nevertheless, you placed the coldness onto his hand, hoping it would ease some of the discomfort from the dislocation. The younger of the two littles hopped up onto the couch beside you, snuggling into your side as well. 

You were silently thankful for the fact that you had turned the stove and the oven off before the fiasco, knowing there was no way the littles were letting go of you now. Matt was beginning to nap in your lap, while Chris grabbed the TV remote, eagerly flipping the television to Cars with a happy giggle. And yet, you wouldn’t have it any other way. 

[vampirememory]

quality ✧ do you need to lower or raise your standards? [Love PAC]

Hello! I believe this is my first pick a card of 2024, I hope you appreciate the topic I chose. This is something that I recently had to recognize and deal with myself, so hopefully you find this reading helpful.

Pick a photo or a number one through three and continue reading to find your reading.

One

No, absolutely not. If anything, your standards are too low. You are like me, at least myself a few weeks/months ago when I did not value myself. You need to understand that you are 100% valuable and loved, and that there is nothing that can depreciate your value. You may have been overconsuming readings, questioning as to why you continue getting into toxic relationships or completely lack a relationship and it's because you have a negative sense of self. Listening to self-worth or self concept subliminals may help you. You are worthy of a healthy, happy relationship but you need to be healthy yourself first. Now keep in mind, healthy does not mean without illnesses. I know from my experience with depression, I will never be healthy, but you CAN have a healthy outlook on life and a healthy sense of self, which is what you are looking for. Especially for my mentally ill friends, no one (not here, at least) is expecting you to be 100% healthy but to be as healthy as you can be, if that makes sense.

Two

Girlie, I hate to tell you but your standards are high as fuck. But is that a bad thing? You tell me. To be clear, when I say girlie I am 100% being gender neutral, this reading is for everyone ^-^! You're giving boss bitch energy, but are you actually a boss bitch? One thing about having high standards is that you also need to meet those standards yourself and you need to ask yourself "would someone like that want to date me"? For example, if you're really aiming for a basketball player or the top CEO, are you actually in a mental and physical space where that will happen? Are you out on the courts, networking and integrating yourself into sports environments? Are you working your way up to the top, making connections with higher ups and building a good reputation? I think you may have good standards, but you aren't reaching them yourself or not putting yourself in environments where you'll meet said person. Also make sure you are actually maintaining those standards too. If you think education is important, and you're actively in education and want someone else who is too, why settle for someone who hates education or isn't looking to educate themselves? Things like that make all the difference. If you want to talk the talk, you need to walk the walk too.

Three

This pile gives me much softer vibes than the other two piles. Your standards and romantic requests may be more traditional, you may want the house and the kids and the white picket fence and that's totally fine! I think you're doing well in terms of your standards, you uphold them and you aren't putting yourself in situations where you are with people who are against that dream or against those standards. I do need to warn you, however, that there are a lot of exploitive people out there, especially when it comes to wanting a more traditional homelife. Waiting is a completely fine thing to do. Don't jump at the first person that looks nice and ticks all the boxes because they may be lying. I don't see terrible things happening for you but I feel like I needed to include a warning. Just be careful and you'll get your wishes <3.

Thats all for today my friends! Check out my masterlist for my previous readings and remember to stay safe in this crazy world! Feel free to send asks with any topics you would like to see in the future.

[euripidestrousers]

The Bridget Jones Wolfstar AU that No One Asked For

Dear Diary, 

Even writing those words makes me physically ill so I’d like to start this off by disclosing that getting a diary was not my idea. 

You see, my best friend, James - excellent, wonderful best friend who has recently become a family man by choice, and has therefore become one of the most insufferable people on earth - gave me this diary and said it’s either this or he’s buying me therapy because one more rubbish one-week relationship of mine is going to kill him.

And I don’t need a fucking therapist, so here you are, and here I am. I feel better already.

(haha)

Dear Diary, 

James might be onto something. Today I found myself smoking my third morning cigarette while drinking my coffee and muttering that the drive to work is going to be hell because of the rain. 

I’ve become my father. 

Of course, I asked James if he ever looks in the mirror and sees Monty staring back and if it makes him want to buy a motorbike and he replied, ‘Uh, I’m literally his son, we look alike. Are you okay?’

My thirty third birthday is coming up. 

Please don’t let this be a mid-life crisis. I’m not in a relationship because I don’t want one, and haven’t had one in over ten years because the men in London either want to meet you in the park or meet your parents. It’s the last hour of the buffet and all that’s left is the salad. And I don’t need a relationship either. James and Lily are a match made in heaven since the first time he told her ugly friend he was ugly (rightfully so, the man is still hideous and a complete prick), and she told him to watch his fucking mouth. Made for each other.

But the last time I met a guy that made me laugh and was any sort of attractive and not a complete knob about being attractive, was over three years ago. 

Ie, it’s not for me. End of story.

I bought a motorbike

Dear Diary, 

I’m going to do away with the whole ‘dear diary’ thing, it makes me feel like a schoolgirl and if James ever finds you when we’re drunk he’s going to read out at least one embarrassing entry at me. They’re all embarrassing. 

I went on a blind date today.

“Long black for… Sirish?”

What? Oh. That vague jumble of mush must have been his name. Sirius grabs the takeaway cup and makes for the door briskly. He has the Binkley case to catch up on and write a piece on by the end of the week and he’s still not clear who the man is. A football star perhaps? He’s still being sidelined into the sports area of the paper because he did football for a year. Nevermind that he has an interest in politics and would very much like to report on where the country will be in ten years if it keeps going-

J: You busy after work?

Sirius grins, flopping his jacket over one arm to type back to James Potter, best friend and inarguably lesser half of Lily Potter. 

S: drinks?

J: I have a one year old

S: too early for him to start?

S: kidding. Don’t tell Lily. She’s already started making him take his helmet every time I take him for a day. 

J: It’s not for drinks. Lily has a friend who’s just come to town. I thought maybe you could show him around.

S: Worst lie ever. 

J: I haven’t had coffee yet.

J: It’s actually true though. He just came to town and doesn’t know anyone other than Lily, and Harry has a cold so we’re both staying home.

J: He’s quite attractive I’m told. Lily told me to say ‘tall Martin Freeman’, and that you’d know what it means

S: Potter, if I was so desperate that I would open to a blind date, I definitely wouldn’t start with any of Lily’s friends, they’re all college professors and about 50 years old. 

J: He’s 37

S: He has elbow patches. Guaranteed. Bet he says ‘but the Torries are actually not as conservative as they’re made out to be.’

S: Bet he has a mahogany desk and wanks to Aristotle

J: Jesus christ

J: Photo sent

Sirius glances down uninterestedly and sees a photo of a man. But instead of the expected stuffy looking balding man with a sour face, as most of Lily’s fellow professors are to be fair, instead he’s looking at a tall, brown haired man with flecks of grey at the temples and smiling softly at the camera, and he’s well, he’s not not handsome. Tall Martin Freeman is actually quite right. Hello.

He brings the phone closer to examine the photo as he blindly barges into the office building with the large Get Up, Britain sign gaudy and bright above him. 

The man is younger on second glance, although he is wearing a suit jacket with elbow patches (told you, Jamie), and standing a little awkwardly, like he’s not used to photos being taken of him, and it’s entirely likely that he’s more accustomed to being nose deep in a book ninety percent of the time. 

He’s shagged worse. 

S: I was right about the elbow patches

J: I really tried to find one without them too

J: But he sounds nice. Funny. Lily likes him, she talks about him all the time. They were prefects together in school and used to bunk off and smoke behind the bins

One the one hand: prefect. Disgusting. Hall monitors. Pigs-to-be, snooty, law-abiding to the most irritating degree (Lily being the exception, of course). On the other hand: smoking behind the bins is more his style. Speaking of, he’d love one right now-

J: I really think you’d like him. Even just friends. Moving cities is lonely and he sounds alright. He likes Manchester U?

S: Fine, I’m free after 6

S: Don’t yell at me if I shag him, work has been shit.

So that’s how Sirius finds himself, half past six, swearing up a storm and running with his tote bag over his head in the pouring rain, late for his blind date (or something).

He slams into the restaurant door, shaking himself off like a wet dog, his casual Friday jeans and black t-shirt soaking wet, his shoulder length, black hair is dripping around his face, hoping his laptop has survived, and shivering like a chihuahua at a children’s party. 

“Uh, I’m here for uh-” he consults his phone again and reads the name to the maitre d, “Reh-mus?”

“It’s Remus, actually”, comes a soft voice from his left. 

Sirius turns quickly and immediately drenches the man standing at his elbow in droplets of water from his hair and coat. Tall Martin Freeman indeed - he has one of those faces that’s even better in person, where the way he stoops his shoulders and holds himself makes him look soft and welcoming, and the warm lighting gives him that attractive, cozy professor look, rather than an uptight old man.

“Oh”, Sirius grins quickly, hoping his dazzling smile will make up for their flimsy introduction, “Right, Sirius. Are you still waiting for a table-?”

“I er, well, I was about to leave actually”, Remus says, glancing at the maitre d awkwardly, “You’re quite late.”

Sirius’ smile freezes. Well, then. 

“Got caught up at work”, he replies stiffly, brushing his hair back and letting his eyes go cold, “If you’d prefer we don’t-”

“No, no, of course not”, Remus appears to snap back, as if remembering his manners and seeming oddly distracted, “Please, let’s sit. You look like you could use a drink.”

Sirius runs his tongue along his bottom lip as he follows Remus to the table and wonders if that was a slight about him looking like a drowned rat. He notices the man has worn an absolutely hideous brown jumper that wouldn’t be out of place in an aged care home, so he doesn’t really have the right to judge Sirius’ appearance. 

“Wine?” The waiter offers politely. It’s a nice place - James said Lily had picked it because she thought Remus would like it. It is a little stuffy, honestly. Something his parents might have stopped by and deemed adequate, which is to say, the beer is fucking overpriced, Jesus-

“I’ll have the Stout again, please”, Remus answers briskly, nodding at Sirius to order his.

“Uh, yeah, Stout. Cheers”, Sirius adds, dumping his bag beneath the table and trying to surreptitiously dry his hair in the napkin. Remus looks away as if embarrassed by him. Swot.

“So, you know Lily through school?” Sirius starts, unable to keep the boredom completely out of his voice. 

“Yes. I take it you know James through yours”, Remus answers, very politely but also sounding just as bored. 

“Yeah, grew up together”, Sirius nods. 

Remus doesn’t say anything to that, just hums and sips some water. 

It’s fucking awkward. Normally, Sirius would give him an ultimatum - ‘look, do you want to liven it up a bit and turn this into a fun one-night thing? Because otherwise, I’m not feeling it and I’ve got work to do.’

But Lily knows this guy, they have mutual friends, and if this isn’t what makes blind dates the most excruciating, hellish thing on earth, worse than job interviews, worse than-

“I don’t really do blind dates”, Remus says suddenly, and then blinks as if he hadn’t meant to say anything at all.

“Right”, Sirius says, bewildered. 

“I, er, the dating scene. Not really my thing”, he says quietly, still not looking Sirius in the eye, “But I just moved here from Wales and I don’t know anyone, so this doesn’t have to be… anything. Just-”

“Oh- oh yeah. Fine with me”, Sirius finds himself swallowing down a touch of regret, offended really, because he’s not used to someone not immediately being ready to come home with him. “I’m not really looking for anything and blind dates are, well - eugh, you know? Like, thanks, my friends think I can’t get laid on my own or something so they set me up with whoever they think isn’t a serial killer, like any gay dude will do-”

“Yes, well”, Remus says tightly, taking another sip, “I rather thought Lily knew me better than that.”

His tone is rather pointed and Sirius realises he’s let his mouth run. Well… to be fair, the guy is kind of a snob. What was Lily thinking anyway?

“Yeah”, he agrees through his teeth, crossing his arms and legs and sitting back in his chair to wait for his beer. Maybe he can make an excuse after one drink. He can’t be friends with someone who doesn’t have a sense of humour and if this bloke doesn’t want to be a one-night stand, then he’d much rather be home. Alone.

“Is there anything around here you’d recommend?” Remus tries, voice clipped and still sounding slightly offended, “Restaurants? More importantly, ones you don’t recommend?”

“There’s a place that does turkey curry. It’s awful.”

“What? What curry?” The tightness in Remus’ face slips momentarily and he looks genuinely bewildered. He’s actually not a bad looker when he’s not frowning. 

“Turkey. It’s as bad as it sounds. Actually it’s worse, like eating a lamb burrito, it’s just not right. Shittest fucking curry and it’s as bad going in as it is bad going ou-”

“Two Stouts.”

The waiter delivers their beers and they fade off into silence as they drink. 

Remus sips delicately, in a way that’s completely inappropriate for a beer, and says awkwardly, “Yes well, thank you for the tip. I’ll rest easy never knowing what turkey curry tastes like.”

“Yeah, I mean, if you can avoid it then I guess this date wasn’t a waste after all.”

Remus blinks, expression dropping. 

Oh. Oh fuck. Double fuck. He hadn’t meant to say that.

“I’ve got to go to the bathroom”, Remus says abruptly and stands. He stalks away quickly and leaves Sirius gnawing at his lip and furious at both himself and this infuriating man who seems to loathe him, minutes after meeting him and who Lily apparently thinks is nice. 

He’s got other shit to be getting on with, he decides. And this bloke probably shags like a limp fish anyway, an Oxford type that thinks poetry is foreplay and once a month sex is scandalously frequent.

He drains his beer and half of Remus’ for good measure, and heads to the bathroom so he can catch Remus on his way out, only to hear his own name hissed furiously. He sees Remus standing out the front of the restaurant, shoulders raised against the cold and holding the phone to his ear. He steps closer and half opens the door to tell him he’s going to head off when he hears the conversation.

“... how did you think someone like Sirius would be good for me? After the hell I’ve had in the last year? Going on a date with someone like him? He showed up thirty minutes late, dressed like he’s going to a bar playing exclusively Metallica, and insulted me immediately. I told you, I don’t mind being alone for a while, especially after the divorce. I certainly don’t want to be shown around London by a rude, arrogant berk who dresses like a teenager and doesn’t seem to have a filter between his brain and his mouth. He probably thinks the bar scene is-oh”

Remus catches sight of him out of the corner of his eye and he spins. They stare at each other for a few excruciation moments, Remus still holding the phone to his ear. 

Sirius breaks the tension with a forced laugh, “Right. I’m definitely going home.”

“Wait, shit, I’ll call you back”, Remus mutters into the phone and hangs up, stepping forward but Sirius pushes past him, temper steadily rising into a roaring bonfire within his chest.

“Sirius, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean-”

“You’re absolutely right, I wouldn’t know the first thing about showing a bloke like you around London”, he turns and says loudly so it carries over the sounds of the cars driving by on the busy street, “You’d be more comfortable in a fucking graveyard, honestly. There’s one ten minutes that way-” he turns his back and points over to the left, calling back over his shoulder, “You’ll find someone much more your speed there, Remus.”

Blind date disastrous as expected. 

Remus fucking Lupin, a professor extraordinaire who wouldn’t be able to find his funny bone if it conked him on the fucking head, is not an exception to the blind date rule, even though he’s easy on the eyes at first glance. At second glance, he is a miserable, dried up academic whose own self-importance has completely consumed him despite dressing like his grandfather for Halloween. 

If this is what my friends think of me, I need to sort my fucking shit out. 

I should have asked him to shag before he opened his stupid fucking mouth. 

[verdemoun]

jumping ahead in the timeswap au because i am the captain personally i headcanon jack not making it to 20. i think life had well and truly defeated him and he was too tired to keep running, and he ended up hanged for ross's murder.

side tangent a) imagine the emotional devastation the VDLs in modern era would feel reading that. there's a grainy photo/sketch and they can almost tell what jack looks like, how much he looks like john, how old he already looks at 19, and then there's the noose sitting on his shoulders waiting for the trapdoor to be pulled. the article portrays ross as a poor elderly man of honor killed by jack marston, outlaw, a dangerous sociopath

side tangent b) john and jack being reunited. john really struggling not to be angry because he wanted/expected so much better for jack: knowing he was never an ideal father (or even a good father) but how much he didn't want his son to be like him, how clear he had been to never become an outlaw. then, the grief. it's only been 3 years but being able to see how much those three years have changed jack, physically and mentally, just by the way he carries himself and that dead, destroyed look in his eyes. jack struggling not to be angry for a lot of the same reasons because at 16 he was left taking care of abigail as heartbreak and illness killed her, and a ranch they could barely take care of together. jack realising his mom, dad and little sister got to play happy family in current day without him.

well now that that's out of the way: dues-ex-isaac morgan

isaac morgan deciding jack marston is his personal responsibility. sure, the whole recipe of staying in a house for a few weeks slowly learning about the current day slowly works for most VDLs, but isaac understands that not only is jack 19 (a teenager) but the culture shock isn't quite as severe going from 1914 as it was 1899.

isaac throws rocks at the window until jack sneaks out his first night in modern day. he forces a helmet onto his head and gives a vague warning that 'it's going to be faster than a horse', before setting off at very illegal speeds on his motorbike

jack immediately loves it. it's very much what he needed: the adrenaline, feeling like he's rebelling, seeing the chrome and crowds of city as a blur become more and more recognizable in outdated suburbs until they're pushing 100mph on the highway

isaac strategically takes him out to the desert, because the desert really hasn't changed that much, and pulls out a bottle of whiskey. they lay down and trauma-bond about how fucked their lives have been (isaac, who experienced the timewarp like a child moving house and had to teach things to his 19th century mother, jack, who grew up in the chaos of the VDL gang with his mother as the only constant: deadbeat dads taken to the metaphorical extreme).

'there's only two things you really need to know: you can't buy alcohol until you're 21 and cigarettes are actually really bad for you' 'cigarettes are BAD??????'

isaac introduces him to cliche teenage emo music through a dodgy bluetooth speaker. jack marston actually listens to music for the first time

arthur getting a frantic phone call from john saying jack snuck out

charles offering to help track them down, because they immediately know isaac is involved

charles and arthur finding a drunk isaac and jack air guitaring to mcr in the middle of the desert

isaac and jack are instant best friends. instead of the coddling most of the gang do when something is new and initially intimidating, isaac laughs at him and it's honestly more comforting. like yeah, traffic lights take a hot second, but jack does feel dumb for not realising that the changing lights and loud beeping meant it was time to walk/run.

isaac literally doesn't hold his hand unless he has to, meanwhile jack has had months of living alone as an outlaw in 1914. they balance each other out in the worst ways. isaac will say they shouldn't walk through a dark alley and jack is like pfft if someone tries to mug us i can take them

their hangouts go from jack bookworm marston helping isaac study at college to isaac being the one calling his dad because 'heeey we might be in jail' in 3 hours. all parental figures involved are going grey with stress

[l3-800]

DBH: Where Hank's son comes from?

No, I am not asking about "the flowers and the bees" type of education and neither "from stock images" reply :D

Is there some official explanation about who was Cole's mother? Or do you have some cool AU about it? I would like to hear it!

Reasons why and what I keep thinking about it:

Hank is heavily affected by Cole's death and keeps lamenting about it a lot of times. He mentions his name a lot, he talks about the accident, feels deep remorse and guilt about failing as a father and as a police officer and even hates entire group of androids for one being unable to save Cole in the hospital. - You know this all from the game - But what happened to the MOTHER then?

Would she happened to have some accident or fatal illness, Hank would mention losing BOTH of them in the same way, wouldn't he?

If she dissapeared and Hank still loved her he would have at least one picture of her in the house somewhere. We see no picture at all, not even some torn one. Does Hank HATES her then and tries to forget her face and existence entirelly?

If she ran away from him, mothers usually take their children with them and leave the father behind. But Cole stayed with his father. Could that mean she had some mental disability she left her own child behind? Maybe she become drug addicted? Maybe she even ended up in prison? Maybe he became a police officer because of her?

If the mother divorced with Hank usually the court decides that the child stay with it's mother if there is not a special situation of the mother not wanting it or having too little money, is mentally unable or have no healthy place to rise a child. But Hank doesn't seem like he is swimming in money either. Or maybe he did before he fell into the depression? But this version still doesn't erase mother from the story because after she would find out about the accident, wouldn't she seek Hank about it or start hanging around again? Sometimes such bad situations put people back together. Of course might have been the very opposite of the mother being disgusted by Hank's 'unliability' causing the death of their kid so she was the one cutting of all chains with him and Hank just did the same to be even harder on himself. Although still I wonder if he would mention her in his depression reason.

Was Cole adopted?

If mother is non existing there might be a believable explenatory that Cole came from an orphanage. Based on the fact there are no other photos of Cole in younger age in the very house of Hank who is so attached to his lost son, maybe he adopted him older, maybe even at the very age or just a few years before he lost him.

What if Hank wanted kids so badly but found out he can't have them? Would he go for adoption or was Cole even made ARTIFICIALLY? I mean we talk about the future world and such options are already pretty possible today, what could be the options in 10 more years? But maybe that wouldn't fit Hank's psychology of disliking anything 'artificial' or 'too modern' so we could rather imagining him knowing the option but being too grumpy and obdurate to do it even if he wanted a kid so much.

I have that little fan theory in my head that Cole could have been a baby Hank found in a family car wreckage after a terrible accident he was being called to as a police officer. Finding out that the child's parents were killed in the accident he felt the fatherly protective instinct to take care of him by himself. However, could that fatherly instinct wake up even if the person was not an actuall father first?

Another option about the same kind of idea would be that he took that kid away from some red ice bunker gang/couple. He was part of the anti-drug unit. Maybe he found neglected kid in one of the hideouts (these kids are taken away by the child protective services first) and adopted it, cutting off any past of his parents from him.

I can imagine how even harder would it be for Hank to be unable to become a father physically, so he finds an alternative, and then he loses the child shortly after. Must have hit even harder feeling like a total failure of a man with everything against him preventing him to grasp the dream of being the father.

But this is all just my train of thoughts, I'd like to hear your opinions or corrections or, as I wrote in the beginning, your ideas or your own versions :) Thank you for reading!

[rebornologist]

Good day, hope you’re doing good and well. Can you please write headcanons for Dino from KHR thank you 💕

Hello! I am doing quite okay ahaha, I fell ill right at the beginning of the year and that actually explains my return to writing just a bit bc I had 0 energy for anything else. I just sat and wondered about the nation's husband here for a bit, so apologies if some of these are kind of a stretch!

♡ Misc. Dino Cavallone Headcanons ✧

He went from having a fear of horses to becoming a horse girl. I like to imagine that his parents may have had an interest in riding (or that the Cavallone family literally fixes horse races for shady $$), so there would be these huuge beautiful top of the line horses at their personal stable.. however, he was absolutely terrified of them and was too afraid to look them in the eye, much less ride one, until Reborn forced him to face his fear; He's fallen on his ass and been kicked in the face more times than he can count, but as he slowly learned that horses were just big skittish animals that needed to be treated with love and respect, he began to love riding and working with horses and down the line earned the nickname "Bucking Horse/Bronco".

Dino loved the Barbie movie, he is extremely Alancoded. And his all-out cowboy barbie outfit (lowkey Reborn made him do it) drew too much attention at the theatre, to the point that some kids were calling him Ken and asking for photos. He ✨served💅 the public that day.

I refuse to believe that Dino was an only child and he turned out so well?!? He's extremely older-brother coded, I would bet my life that he has at least one younger sister or half-sister (though arguably Tsuna is his non-blood brother) that he just doted on until idk she prob kaboomed and wasn't used as a plot device

He's a tall man, has type O blood, he should be donating it because he's such a good person, right? He did once! He passed out and is a little nervous about going back again.. to think that he has a whole tattoo sleeve..

Some of his tattoos are actually coverups!? He never planned to get a full sleeve, but needed to cover up some shitty flash he got in his younger days. He decided to get something bolder and flashier to cover it, but then the rest of his arm being bare just bothered him.. so he added elements until uh oh, it's a full sleeve that goes all the way to the back of his hand. Despite being a pretty boy his entire life, he seems like the type to have had some img issues and regrets with his initial tattoos (he got them just bc he thought it would make him cool and tough), covered them up and felt like he looked too shady.. and then learned to love them and embrace them as art. He likes the asymmetry of how heavily inked one side of him is, and is considering a big ankle/calf/thigh and maybe a hip piece on the opposite side leg to balance it out, but he's a bit nervous about the pain (I giggle). Omg what if the skull and flame neck tatt is matching with some of his men (theirs are in different spots) after a particularly drinks-heavy party night*.

Sometime between the "present time" of the KHR timeline and TYL, he adopted a shorter haircut and learned how to style it from Reborn! They got more time to reconnect as Reborn became less busy with shaping Tsuna into the "perfect mafia boss" or whatever and began to lengthen the kite string gradually.

Dino is a total softie at heart, and has moments where he cut people slack that other mafioso, especially older bosses, would not have. His men love him because he is strong and they know his heart is right, but whatever softness he had in his early 20's he had to shake off real hard as time went on.

Because of all the mental and physical work it takes for him to do his job, sometimes he wants nothing more than to be babygirled for once, and literally nobody knows but just maybe Romario has an inkling.. the sense that it may be the case.

fin.✧

*smart ppl don't get inked under the influence, don't even drink before or after you get tatted ok lolol stay safe out there

[beanmom-blogs]

People I want to get to know better

Tagged by : @archaiclumina , @briar-ffxiv , @hares-and-hounds , @dearestcherry , and @valdiis - THANK YOU SO MUCH! I don't tend to get tagged in things like this because I'm so quiet, so it warms my heart so much that you all thought about me for this <3 Also, apologies for taking so very long, I've been dealing with some physical and mental icks and there have been a few days where I was a stereotypical Orange Cat with One Braincell (Yes I know Orange Cats have more than one braincell, I have two of those babies and they're both lovely!) but I'm starting to do better now so here we are! Let's get started...

Last Song : I listen to a lot lot LOT of Spotify, and that includes the various playlists that they have on offer. Technically the last song I listened to was one called 'Meant to Live' by Switchfoot, something that was put on my Discover Weekly playlist by Spotify itself. I'll have to listen to it again I think I liked it? But this has been some days ago and right before I fell physically ill. Favourite Colour : Pink, on the light and dark ends of the spectrum. BUT. My favourite neutral is Black. And my favourite metallic is Silver!

Currently Watching : Love is Blind, on Netflix. Again, ill so binge-watching is on the cards for me till I'm feeling better! (I'm starting to, don't worry.)

Last Movie : Deadpool and Wolverine. While I haven't seen a Deadpool movie before now, I -had- seen a couple with Wolverine so I knew what to expect there but it by far exceeded my expectations. I laughed so hard.

Sweet/Spicy/Savoury : Sweet or Savoury, but mostly sweet. I have a sweet tooth, but sometimes I just have to have salty or flavourful instead. I can handle only a minimal amount of spicy, I've got a chronic stomach condition and things that make more acid are so very very bad for me.

Relationship Status : As of NEXT WEEK AAAAHHH... I will have been married for 19 years! We've been together for near 21 years altogether. It is the second marriage for the both of us (this gives a pretty good indication of my age oops) and he had a spawn from his first marriage, we have a spawn from ours. There will only be furbabies from here on, which we are a fostering home for, so our head count of cats changes frequently. Right now we have 9 of our own and 1 foster. Guess how many of those 'of our own' came because we fostered them...

Current Obsessions : FFXIV, FFXIV Write 2024, coffee, and a few YouTube channels that I cycle through when I'm not binge-watching Netflix.

Last thing I did an internet search for : A photo from the Earth Wind and Fire song 'September' (if you don't get this reference then I am REALLY showing how old I am...)

Tagging!!! : (Not been keeping track of who has done this already so if you have, feel free to point this out to me XD ) @anotherelezen , @drowxiv , @tales-of-valentine , @chidorisjournal , @kassael , @anearthlystar and actually anybody else that just wants to do it, please please PLEASE do!

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

I'm piggybacking a bit off of the last ask of asking for writing tips but I have an odd question... Am I the only person that struggles actually PICKING a book? It's the absolute bane of my existence because I feel like I can be so picky... Don't get me wrong, I love being a bookworm, and I'm trying to get back into reading physical books but it's so difficult to find a real taste of what the book is like without being completely spoiled or something... I miss when backs of books had an actual summary and not just NO.1 NEW YORK BESTSELLER!!!! It's so frustrating... I've been trying to get back into it by re-reading fond chapter childhood books read to me (The Miraculous Journey of Edward Tulane & A Wrinkle In Time). But at the same time I'm also trying to get into more "adult" books that isn't... Well, you try googling "adult books" and see how that goes, I didn't think too hard about what a poor decision THAT was. But I'm working up the courage to read Cat's Cradle right now to start with "Classic Authors" I guess!

Anyway I'm rambling here, I guess my question is... How do you pick out the books you read? I don't really have friends that read many books to recommend to me :')

Thank you in advance, Bog! I hope you get a callback from that interview soon!

no ok actually you've mentioned something that's been bothering me for a while - What The Hell Do Y'all Mea, Books Don't Have Summaries Anymore???? i have not once in my life found a book that didn't have a summary. i was in barnes & noble recently and everything i looked at had a summary. i have literally never seen a book without one in my life of reading & looking at new books on a regular basis

softcovers have theirs on the back. hardcovers are on the inside of the sleeve - lift the cover and it should be printed right there on the inside flap! summaries aren't legally required but both the author and Especially the publisher(s) know that no one's gonna buy a book without a summary. trust me, all books worth reading have a summary. if a book doesn't have one, it's probably not worth your time anyway. you just gotta know where to look!

so my answer to how i choose books... i read the summary lmao. if it seems interesting, ill either write it down to get later or ill get it there and then.

Before the summary though, i look for any titles that jump out at me from the shelf. then i look at the thickness. i like a bit of meat in my literature, so i tend to shy away from thinner books. thicker ones grab my attention more easily. then i look at the cover - if it interests me, then ill read the summary. i don't have specific tastes in title or cover. as long as it makes my brain "hm" thoughtfully, ill take a gander!

and really, if you have access to a bookstore (chain or not, ive found plenty of bangers in tiny used bookshops) or library, the best way to find a book is to physically browse. even if you dont buy anything, you can take pictures of books / write them down to buy online. but going to the store lets you search them out, examine the length, cover, title, summary - and easily put it back on the shelf or keep it. i hate shopping online bc there's ads, you can't examine the product, nothing really stands out since it's all portrayed similarly, there's limited pictures instead of the physical thing, and photos can lie.

plus, everything is (typically) meticulously sorted by genre & age range. when you go into a section with literature aimed at adults, you'll find exactly that instead of smut novels lmao. real life bookstores can be more accurate than online searches. & there's just something so good about walking through shelves, searching for that one book before you know it exists, smelling the paper... yeah...

[anti--transid]

Welcome to my info post.

[pt: Welcome to my info post. /end pt]

Hi, Im Venus/Dizziebunnies, I am a former radqueer whom is part of the big 3 (anti contact) plus several other paras.

I'm making this post to help educate on what radqueer means, why its extremely harmful and why ex radqueers frequently describe it as a cult.

Please do not read this post/take caution when reading if you are triggered by any of the following:

abuse, zoophilia, pedophilia, necrophilia, grooming, racism, cults, nazis, blackface, ableism, slurs, intersexism, transphobia.

What is a radqueer?

[pt: What is a radqueer? /end pt]

A radqueer is someone who is pro-transid, (often) pro-contact, anti-getting help, pro-M.U.D (medically unrecognized disorder/basically "coining" mental illnesses and sometimes physical health issues), pro-proship.

They may also go by other "fancy" labels that all mean the same thing (an example would be kandiqueer, bloodqueer, raverqueer, sinqueer)

I am a former radqueer who went by the users @\transm4sc, @\puppywife and @\sc3n3-v4mp1r3, if you knew someone who went by the names tearzah/dreamalgia/KAngel or Thesus, that was me.

I am making this post to help spread awareness and knowledge about this literal cult.

What do transid and radqueer mean?

[pt: what do transid and radqueer mean? /end pt]

Transid is short for Trans Identity, things like transautistic, trace, transharmful and tranhateful, all that gross things.

Radqueer stands for Radical Queer, aka people who are rad-para, transid, anti therapy and pro encouraging delusions. (Please dont encourage delusions, it can easily make it so the delusional person harms themself or others. -sombody who had very bad delusions back as a radqueer.)

Ok, but why are they bad?

[pt: Ok, but why are they bad? /end pt]

Radqueers are bad as they are ableist, pro-abuse, racist, intersexist, anti-recovery and pro-contact, often encouraging abuse, rape, necrophilia, blackface, incest/"consang" and pedophilia.

You may have heard of the terms "transabled" and "transracial", both of these are stolen terms, transabled was stolen from pwBIID and transracial was stolen from adoptees who were adopted into a family of another race. (a.e vietnamese child adopted into a jamaican family, white child adopted into japanese family, etc)

Because of radqueers, these terms are seen as bad and gross, making it so multiple pwBIID and adoptees no longer feel comfortable using these terms.

Many radqueers are openly pro-contact, even going as far as sharing "tutorials" on how to sexually arouse an animal, groom your sibling into an incestual "relationship", and sharing illegal content of minors and animals in sexual contexts. (Bear with me, im desperately trying to remain unbanned.. (⁠╥⁠﹏⁠╥⁠) )

Radqueers are also extremely intersexist, believing that somebeing can "transition" into being intersex, many "transintersex" beings often saying the h slur, and speaking over actually intersex people.

They believe that with many things, such as ADHD, ASD, BPD, DID, OSDD, Narcolepsy and many others, I'm simply listing things I saw most frequently "identified as" by radqueers

They are also incredibly transphobic, as they openly consider being transgender a "transid", I have genuinely seen multiple radqueers claim that /srs

Don't even get me started on the "xenoautism" (basically like xenogenders but with autism???? No your autism cannot "feel/look like" a rainbow sparkle cat.)

Also, many radqueers openly romanticize/fetishize serial killers, I had the displeasure of having been mutuals with someone who was transplural and "split" a jeffery dhamer introject who refused to seperate from source, they CHOSE to 'split off' jeffery dhamer and then used an irl photo of him as a faceclaim, go by the same name, and constantly make cruel, humourless "jokes" about his source.

Its unfortunately not suprising that, that jeffery dhamers collective was shortly after exposed for emotionally abusing and gaslighting their partner at the time as well as pressure several other MINOR BODIED systems into erps, sending explicit photos and receiving explicit photos of that collective.

Why do people call it a cult?

[Pt: Why do people call it a cult? /end pt]

Because, if compared to the BITE model, it checks off every box aside from "monetary"

As a former radqueer, all of the above is things you see constantly in the radqueer community, you couldn't go one post without seeing any of these.

Are there any alternative terms for *insert transid*?

[pt: Are there any alternative terms for *insert transid*? /end pt]

Short answer, yes and no, it depends what transid it is.

For things like transbody (like transhorned, transcattail, transblood) I'd suggest looking into aldernic labels!

For things like transage, look into chronosian.

However for things liked transmental illness and trace? No, and those labels aren't valid (unless its the original meaning of transracial.)

I'm sure if you dig around, theres some other non-problematic alternatives, or you could coin your own non-problematic alternative.

Last notes.

[pt: Last notes. /End pt]

I will likely frequently update this, but this is as far as I can currently go without triggering myself and making myself violently uncomfortable, other former radqueers can feel free to reblog with more information.

[hoardlikegoldenirises]

This is a NSFW parksborn puppy play doodle dump, ft. both concepts for gear and also just plain old horny drawings.

I wrote that puppy play fic and now I am ill, I think—with puppy peter fever,

(there's a separate post for the safe-for-work drawings on that second page of doodles: link)

This is all slapped together so some closeups after the readmore, focusing on the less-than-safe-for-work images:

I'll start off with some of the sillier drawings:

this ⬇️ is a little doodle-comic of what probably happened immediately after they finished their little uh, play session in the fic.

not really a puppy related drawing other than addressing the fact that Peter "Daddy Dom" Parker is extremely embarrassed by what he just did... I will be honest, I kind of approach all instances of Peter subbing as involving inevitable sub drop. He just doesn't deal well with submission, after-the-fact, even when it's cathartic for him.

Goofy x Horny double combo—

also more sub drop. i was just having fun with little doodles. if i actually write anything about Peter's aftercare needs in this context it will be, like in other contexts I have written it, much less silly.

HORNY:

hi 🥴

and some uh. dog bone gags 😳 don't judge me.

one, an actual gag made for humans, and the other, me looking at a chew toy and thinking to myself, they could probably fit that in Peter's big mouth. for when he won't shut the fuck up.

all you need is a spring lock and suddenly it's adjustable, amiright?

he's still topping here btw. not that i drew the rest of what's happening. but. probably topping. or getting a bj idk.

Harness and collar concepts ahoy:

Peter's day collar. It's heavily based off of this collar (sfw link btw it's just petco LOL) by Le Dog Company, but I wanted to make it more padded under the buckle. I do like that the strap just says "Le dog" though like. Yeah. And you can see his little name tags and stuff.

probably the inside is like a nice caramel color, rather than black or anything, but i didn't color that part.

and I decided that they'll never go beyond "training" or other non-ownership collars. i don't think he'd be okay with extending even pretend ownership outside of actively having sex tbh. they're extremely not following "old guard traditions" here. peter owns himself and all of his gear, no exceptions

concept for harness to match, courtesy of Felicia, and just. photos of one of the leashes. i didn't feel like drawing it. not pictured: 9 footer (another petco link lol) — I think I like the way the 4 foot leash looks better, esp since it matches the collar better imo, but I figured. maybe sometimes they would want a 9 foot leash. I mean. Is Harry taking Peter on walks, No, but, you know, could be useful.

Harness is the same color as the collar, I just made it lighter in this pic so you can see the actual details. It's loosely based on some leather harness I saw but slightly different.

...

I also wanted to add some bonus sets which are probably gifts from Felicia, though I'm sure Harry could afford more, but *waves my hand* Felicia likes to tease Peter—

*loudly clears my throat* It's uhh, you know, I just like pink. yeah. I mean normally I put Flash in pink for gender-y reasons I think most people are aware of at this point, but I just. Happened to see a picture of a cute pink mesh dog harness while looking for inspiration, and, well, it got away from me a little bit,

not for gender reasons, particularly, mostly just for horny reasons 😂

this one is obviously stealing I mean taking heavy inspo from the irl dog harness but also from some other stuff, like safety vests and what have you. And I decided I wanted it to have nylon straps with a cinch instead of a normal buckle because............ conceptually, I find that sexy, for some reason LOL idk it's the physicality or something. the combo of industrial hardware with girly aesthetics. just really strapping him into this thing.

also yeah i designed this one to not be easily removed (or put on) by the wearer themself, also for horny reasons. requires a helper to put on and take off, though Peter is probably flexible enough he could take it off by himself if he needed to get out in a pinch.

........does this qualify as sissification? probably. who can say,

anyway the collar is based on those thousand different kinds of customizable rhinestone collars where you can get your pet's name, or "cum slut" or whatever, spelled out in bejeweled charms. but made with like, slightly higher quality materials. like suede, heavy duty hardware, cubic zirconia or something, etc... I came VERY close to putting something vulgar but settled on just Peter's name and the hearts instead.

In my head, Felicia thinks she's very, very funny for giving this pink set to Peter.

don't be such a wet blanket Peter.

no, i do have a scenario in my notes involving him trying this on and enjoying it a little bit more than he intended to... not because of him having a secretly girlish nature so much as uh the opposite, so. you know, like i said, it might qualify as sissification/force femme, but idk. i just like it...

harry would also be cute in this... also flash... really any of the gang. full CBG matching bubblegum pink kink wear, now there's a thought 😂 mj would probably get a kick out of that

swarovski crystal... i wanted a D-ring on both the front and the back (for versatility) and it happened to also be a useful place to hang a cute little charm.

And now for something on the complete opposite end of the aesthetic spectrum, and probably more Felicia's style than anything else in this post.

Anyway, the other bonus from Fel (or possibly just Peter and Harry buying it). Sometimes Peter is naughty... or, you know, combining his top and dom instincts with submission and bdsm—a bad dog who bites. muzzle optional. tbh idk how hardcore Harry is but Peter likes this stuff (in my mind) so I figure it would make sense. More BDSM looking than doggy at this point but, you know, the spiked collar and a very short (like a foot or two at most) chain leash. plus muzzles.

went for two different muzzles—the medical padded style that is on its own pretty intense, with a little snap so it can attach to the O-ring on the front of the collar instead of having its own attached collar (see, O-ring not just aesthetic lol) and the other one is a more dog-like muzzle, with the metal basket. Both would probably be custom, esp if they're from Felicia, though i guess with the right needle and stuff Peter could probably modify a stock padded muzzle on his own... so maybe only the metal one is custom. who knows.

Obv the leather padded one is way more of a muzzle that makes it so you can't speak easily, or bite or eat or anything else, plus it has its own D-ring for extra bondage lol— vs the basket muzzle which is mostly aesthetic and to prevent biting. lol.

there are 500 harnesses that look almost exactly like this on etsy. can't beat the classics i guess. didn't bother drawing seams but this is definitely reinforced, though none of it's padded except where it needs to be for durability.

butt. all of the harnesses like this i saw also have that kind of rubber handle on the back. it's not like Harry can really tug Peter around that much even if Peter didn't have super strength, but, i have to include nice handles on all of these for the aesthetic/sex appeal. it's about the implication.

my real motivation for making this one unpadded (aside from, I guess, being less gentle) was cause I wanted all the spike rivets and other hardware to be skin-contact. aka: put the collar in the fridge for some temperature play LOL 🥶❄️ obv it would warm up fast but, appealing mental image,

i also thought it would be fun if it had some warning patches they could put on it, so I sketched a couple of those. I think Peter could make or modify something like this very easily lol. these could probably be put on the other harnesses too. or like on the shoulder straps. full kit w/ muzzle + spiked collar + harness + chain leash + caution patches is definitely... a thought...

[houseofbrat]

Terrible all around, for so many reasons. As a comms person I could do a series of Tedtalks about this.

Nevertheless I really pray for Kate’s recovery both physically and mentally.

Yes, its all very sad but could have been prevented with proper management. The Palace Comms Team needs an overhaul.

Exactly. This seems to contradict Kate’s message that she wanted to wait until they told their kids and now they say it’s because of a potential leak? Which is it then and why would they now blame a potential leak? Who does it benefit by changing the story now and why did they even bother to? It’s so bizarre.

I think it’s a bit naive to blame this on KP’s team. The team is only as good as their bosses and William is pretty inept at handling press

This to me has nothing to do with a leak and everything to do with Easter. They knew she wasn’t going to be present for Easter so they had to make an announcement and get out in front of it early.

This was my first thought as I watched Kate’s video. If not for the leak, they still would be silent.

The idea the rota is pushing is it’s all the public’s fault for wildly speculating, and it’s not sitting well with me. It was mostly jokes about Kate being at the Willy Wonka experience or that she was getting a BBL. Then they released the fake photo and AP flagged it.

The papers got pissed because there WAS a story and the Palace wasn’t feeding them, so they turned up the heat. Nobody was talking about Rose Hanbury until The Independent (I think that was the paper) ran that story “Who is Rose Hanbury?” and repeated the old rumors of the affair. And some other online news site ran a story asking what would happen if William committed a crime. And then you had Piers Morgan saying he has heard wild rumors and if even half of them were true, he was concerned.

Yes, there are nasty people out there who gossiped but the media help set this situation on fire. And KP completely bungled the PR response. But they need to spare us the “shame on you all” narrative.

Wishing Kate the best and I hope the people who accessed her medical info are held responsible.

It's the fake photo and AP killing it that set this whole thing into the stratosphere. Before that all noise was limited to a small corner of the internet. No fake photo and ninety-eight percent of mess that happened never would have happened. KP is responsible for the mess and no amount of scolding from the rota will change that.

Sometimes I wonder what their long-term plan was for this? Obviously Kate having cancer would mean she’d need more time away than what they previously let on, so if the conspiracies never took off and they weren’t under a ton of scrutiny, I wonder how/when they would have told the public about her diagnosis, if at all.

Considering how they’ve handled more minor health issues, like William having COVID, I just assume KP never wanted to be transparent in the first place and were forced. Which sucks for Kate but has bad implications for a publicly funded institution IMO.

I don’t think there was ever a longterm plan here. I think everyone was taking it one step at a time and trying to process and figure out what the next step would be.

I’m honestly surprised because I am sure Rebecca English said they didn’t have their hand forced. Plus there were two days between Wed and Friday and any leaks could have occurred then as well. I do think it was getting to the stage it was an open secret witch certain circles.

I don’t understand why this and the “were angry about speculation” stories have been leaked - if they’ve been leaked by W&K and not somebody else. Not going after the alternative theories with this comment rn.

Like, they do want this to die down, right? I’m assuming so, because Kate is sick. I’ve never really cared about her actual illness in this whole debacle, but cancer or not, in her shoes I’d want the least amount of speculation possible. And the “we’re angry about speculation post” before the reveal was not the way to do that. All that was going to do was increase the speculation because if there’s one thing the internet likes doing more than anything else, it’s doing behavior they’ve been told not to.

Now it’s been revealed that Kate has cancer and I think the whole slew of “you’re bad for speculating no matter what the speculation was, even if it wasn’t health-related” posts were bad because they encouraged talk about her even as they were saying people shouldn’t talk about her, but that wasn’t in W&K’s hands so I’m not gonna blame them for that. Either way, the gossip around her did die eventually.

But now they’re bringing it back up of their own accord, if this is them? Why? It was already said that people tried to access her info. If this inside source was BP, revealing this is just bad for the overall family image. It proves Harry was right once again. If it wasn’t, I guess I understand wanting to talk about the source, but it’s still giving attention that I don’t think would be wanted or needed right now.

This is what has fascinated me about the KP PR ever since this entire thing started. It just seems like completely weird decisions over and over and over again.

100% this is a situation of their own making. They literally exist to be seen- what did they think was going to happen if one of them just disappeared? They’re so angry at how everyone reacted but maybe they should take some time to self reflect and see how their own actions and life created this whole mess.

Because the PR/comms team is incompetent and their employers are stubborn with gigantic hubris.

The virtue signaling “everyone participating in the gossip and making jokes and sharing memes should be ashamed!” will never sit well with me. We’ve been shown time and again for decades at this point that their PR is very sloppy.

they're really trying to guilt trip the public for not knowing she had cancer after faking a photo documentation as an official government institution, aren't they?

look, if someone tried to access her.files that's criminal and should be prosecuted whatever. that's another issue. 

but the BRF cannot use fear of public speculation as a tool to divert us from the fact that they faked an image and tried to pass it off as real. this is incredibly problematic on many levels. not only we cannot trust them to pass on truthful info about themselves (which, with their history of throwing women to the wolves, is icky), but as british official representatives, they should be held to all possible standards.

on a personal level, i hope she recovers, her treatment isn't too terrible as in side effects and her kids are able to grow up with her love all around. 

but as someone with basic standards for media and government, and also a citizen of a democracy (in the global south, where we have been victims of rich countries' bullshit explanations), they can all fuck off with this take and blaming.

They even put out a statement around late January where they said she didn’t have cancer. They can’t be surprised that people thought something was up when they weren’t being entirely truthful.

King Charles's team announced he has cancer and just moved on, so did the public. I genuinely don't see why they couldn't have done the same for Catherine. A quick "we did surgery back in December, discovered i might have cancer, will be stepping off the public eye for a few months to seek treatment and spend time with kids" would've done it. Her team is not being asked for her to deal with her emotions in public, the public just wanted to know why she hasn't been seen from or heard from for a long time. They completely bungled this one.

[nickolox]

((( long ramble post)))

trying to figure wtf is going on with your own mental health without the help of a professional + having a mental illness that already fucks with the way you perceive things (ocd) is genuine hell

like, I HAVE a psychiatrist, but he's fucking. awful and always puts medications first over like, figuring out what the fuck is going on

and everything about this whole procedure just feels like, off???

tldr: local man questions if he has The Dissociative Disorder™ whilst being simultaneously given red herrings and blatantly obvious eye opening signals at the same time, and has the same realizations 30 times over because i am in a constant cycle of denial, forgetting and then rediscovering this bullshit

so to put it in a nutshell most of my psychiatrist discussions about the big disorderly things go like this:

psych: so what are you experiencing me: i keep like, having these massive gaps in my memory, where i have no idea what happened or what i did or anythign for hours and hours at a time, and i looked up what that means and its apparently called dissociating? what does that mean? psych: right, that's a stress response. me: yeah, That makes sense. But I've also been unable to remember major events like my sister's wedding or my graduation... psych: well... obviously you were just anxious lol me: *remembers the photos i have as the only proof i have that those events happened, and im smiling in all of them* maybe?? i mean, it didn't seem like that was the case. psych: (completely ignores that) hmmm. okay. anyways- me: also I've been hearing voices??? psych: where? externally or internally? me: internally psych: (visible relief) oh thank god i was concerned it was schizophrenia for a moment, having an internal dialogue is normal :) me: i can't control the voices though, and they don't sound like my own voice in my mind. they're distinct, and it's not like my OCD either. psych: that's normal, sometimes people just imagine things ^_^

so, it was "anxiety" the first time, came back. told him this shit is still happening, and then he blamed it on my medications, and now i'm on a new set, which i suppose needed to happen anyways?

But like, he told me that brain fog and memory loss are a thing with prozac (what i was taking before) and i was like "huh no one told me that" to which he said "well no one says the full list of side effects because no one would want to take the meds otherwise"

i get home, i look up the fucking manual that comes with prozac when you go on it for the first time, and no where. NOWHERE. is this shit on that list of side effects. i look up a list of the side effects, dozens of sites, NOTHING!!!!

I speak with my bestie and he reminds me that,

I dealt with these problems prior to going on medication (something i didnt even remember, lol)

it has literally nothing to do with anxiety bc he himself has crippling anxiety and deals with none of the shit i do

i'm going to shit bricks dude what the fuck is wrong with my stupid brain, it feels like such a wild challenge compared to when i found out about my OCD, like, dude at least with that bitch it was consistent, it was 24/7. as shit as that was at least I knew it was always there, always there to be a bitch, but undeniable none the less.

This current mystery disorder is like, oooOOOooo i'm going to be here SOME OF THE TIME!!! to make you DOUBT it exists!!! and im sitting here like, is this a symptom or is this my ocd fucking with me bro

i feel like i might have some kind of dissociative disorder, but the problem I'm having is that it's not CONSISTENT??? like, some days I'll be like yeah this is the dream and then other days I cannot physically do anything, remember jack shit, feel like my soul is leaving my fucking body all god damn day?

why do people always talk about alters too, it's like, the one thing I don't experience, or at least, the one thing that's rare enough to not hinder me like the actual dissociation problems.

I feel like I can't be certain, and that sets my OCD off, because my brain goes "what if we're faking- what if you're overreacting" which in turn makes me go. insane. I am going insane.

there is sooo much more i could say, but i just realized it;s half past midnight. I should um. probably go to bed.

Goodnight.

[wilsons-striped-ties]

tc challenge (days 1-30 one shot)

original post here!

1. Do you think your TC will teach you next year?

unfortunately ive already graduated from high school :(

2. If you have to move to another city, how would you tell your TC? Would you confess to them? How?

i would be really casual and ask him for a photo again when i meet him in school and after taking it, before leaving, ill tell him that im moving to another city, maybe write him a message or give him a gift too... maybe wont confess but would pour my soul out a little in the letter cause i do like writing handwritten notes to the people i love

3. Have you written a letter to your TC? If no, would you ever do that and what would be in it? If yes, what did you write?

i did as a teachers' day gift, i forgot what i wrote but ill be writing one tomorrow cause teachers day celebration is this thursday!

4. Are you attracted to your TC in an emotional or sexual way? Or both?

EMOTIONAL and physical but not really sexual, its more like a really silly crush

5. How did you meet your TC? Do you remember your first conversation?

he was my history teacher in year three and four, not sure what our first conversation was but it probably was probably a question in class?

6. Have you had a serious problem because you have a TC? If not, what problem could you have to deal with?

nope

7. Have you ever had an argument with your TC?

nope

8. Do you see your TC outside of school?

NOOO :(

9. On a scale of 1-10, how badly do you want to kiss your TC?

like seven but especially when we talk and hes just reassuring me or joking with me, its like an eleven

10. If your TC is married, would you (still) want a relationship with them?

hes married but... :'

11. Do you have a photo with your TC? If yes, how did you get it?

YESSS i always try to grab pictures with him so much (like i think six pictures so far??) that he initiated one on his own saying that i always take pictures with him...

12. Do you think anyone you haven’t told about your TC knows you’re crushing on them?

lots of people know hes my favourite teacher and i think some know he favours me to some extent cause hes always bragging about me or using me as a good example

13. When is your last class with your TC? Will you see them in summer break?

it was last year cause i graduated :(

14. Have you ever mentioned teacher crushes/the tcc to your TC?

nope

15. Do you think one of your classmates has feelings for your TC?

nope

16. Do you get jealous when you see your TC with other students?

a little bit...

17. If you and your TC had a long distance relationship, do you think it would work out?

it may, actually

18. What is your TC’s degree? Do you like what they studied?

im not sure what his degree is but i'd LOVE to find out, maybe i'll pop the question next time

19. Have you ever cried about your TC? If yes, why?

nope! maybe once over his subject but thats about it

20. Have you ever cried in front of your TC? If yes, what happened?

nope :' to him im this strong, self driven student but i actually really am not

21. Do you know about your TC’s family? If yes, what do you know? What else would you like to know?

i know he has three kids and their general age, but nothing much else apart from his daughter being quite a big harry potter fan. i would prefer to know more about him than his family but at this point anything is more than wonderful

22. What would happen if you found out your TC is dating another student?

oh goodness i dont know

23. Have you ever secretly taken pictures of your TC?

no but i do screenshot pictures with him in there LMAO

24. Do you like your TC’s classes? Are they easy or difficult?

MY FAVOURITE CLASS BRUH its insanely tough but ive cracked the secret to scoring in them so they became the easiest class

25. Describe a special moment you had with your TC.

i think when i gave him his birthday cupcakes :'

26. Are you in love with your TC? How do they make you feel?

honestly maybe HAHHA he makes me feel appreciated and seen in a way, like someone cares about me and he genuinely believes in me which makes me feel like a human being and he makes me feel wanted

27. Have you ever gotten angry at your TC? Is there anything you don’t like about them?

nope actually, i think i just dont like it when he leaves me on seen? but hes quite a dry texter in a sense so it isnt just me

28. Has your TC ever given you a compliment?

YEAH hes called me his star history student and said im very self driven and that my values will bring me success and that he has full confidence in me and that im a model student :'

29. Have you ever given your TC a compliment?

ive told him hes my favourite teacher HAHAH but i had a chance to flirt with him but chickened outttt

30. Will you remember your TC when you don’t see them anymore? Will you keep in touch?

hes etched into my very soul, and we still do keep in touch!

[lastweeksshirttonight]

So uh

Personal shit under the cut, tw: mental illness and its many manifestations

I had a straight up nervous breakdown at work last Friday. It was really bad and made a whole lot of people (like my poor horrified boss) rightfully concerned I wasn't okay. And I wasn't. I'm not still. I don't want to get into super detail but I have PTSD, I have depression, I have anxiety, I have ADHD, and the fact that just therapy kept all that at bay for over a decade is a miracle.

I'm going into the doctor to get my first prescriptions to help me function with these illnesses. I have a lot of paperwork to do to be put under the care of an ADHD specialist. I feel like I hit a rock bottom but I want to help myself and refuse to let this get me.

Why am I sharing this? Because I know I have piles of responses to posts I've not responded to, DMs I haphazardly answered, and tags I've missed bc my brain feels like it's been in a nutcracker's vice grip over the past few weeks. I'm sorry, I promise I wasn't intentionally ignoring you. I'm looking forward to actually replying and messaging everyone again soon. I honestly love that I have a community here and don't want anyone to think I'm aloofly ignoring them. Words are just really fucking hard rn.

I also have not been the most inclined to write a whole lot bc of this, though I'd really like to get back to it, at least for the LWT recaps. Enjoy random photos and parasocial barfing until my head feels like it's mine again.

Also a reminder to take care of your health, mental and physical. It's so very important. 💖💖

[burning-sol]

im censoring any art i make of "her" and limiting reblogs because i do want to make vent art but i dont want to share a lot of details <- but if i dont share details it might make people feel wrong to later have interacted with any art featuring her at all. and i did make a post abt her in the past but it wasnt my intention to give the wrong impression of her because id genuinely experienced amnesia and couldnt remember the details about her. to be clear she's not real, she's not representative of any person in real life, i would describe her as a mix of my psychosis and what i recently realised describes maladaptive daydreaming.

i have been getting very very paranoid recently so ive been talking to xander and hy said he's going to help my get back in contact with a therapist when it gets the opportunity. i dont know how my behaviour has been perceived at all the past (???) amt of time, but i apologise if its caused confusion or distress.

anyways ill be talking about her under the cut with art but content warning it goes into talks about psychosis and emotional abuse and some transphobia and SA <- the art is evocative of that last thing i put it at the very bottom of the post. there's also talks about grooming..

i do have records of when she was first around but i only really looked at it to see how i drew her as i have a lot of amnesia around her and i dont like looking at old logs of things.. like. the thing is, there's a lot of stuff that happened online or i had uploaded online and i would rather let it remain forgotten rather than drag it back out. maybe its selfish of me but like i seriously dont want to think about the times i might have been groomed or the specifics of anything, i just want it all to go away. so yeah, i forgot about her and forgot about what she said or did because i wanted to forget and it didnt come up so it was whatever.

but there was a time where i was experiencing some different voices, ive had a track record of abusive voices throughout my life (to be clear xander is very different from that, to me it clearly has a wider depth of emotion and thought than these voices and actually has control over the body.. i just feel like i want to make that clear) and she was amongst them though i think she was different in her own way. the main reason i feel so scared of her is that i experienced a sexual hallucination perpetrated by her and i had to search up whether that was even possible because i have not heard anyone bringing it up before. but yes, that happened, and i dont claim to be a victim of sexual assault but it's still painful to think about and im still scared of her.

aside from the i guess "threats" of sexual interaction and recently threatening to leak sexually compromising information and photos of me, she is generally quite demeaning. she talks a lot about how i should just go back into being a complacent girl who does what she wants. she threatens to isolate me. i guess she's also threatened to hurt me physically too. its not real but at times it has felt like i am in literal chains and are at her whims and it makes me feel scared.

i dont know if its clear but there's a lot i dont bring up when it comes to any sexual trauma because i just. i dunno. i dont feel like any of it is worth talking about if im complicit in it, if its in my head, if its just nothing. things ive been involved in are deeply humiliating and hurtful. and of course i cant HELP but bring it up at times, as any person does, but out of everything i dislike talking about this trauma the most. id rather be quiet and not talk about anything and hell, i probably wont keep this post up.

a part of me realises it probably just hurts others that i dont talk to them about things like this. but talking to someone privately abt when im distressed makes me think about my previous toxic behaviours and i dont want to repeat that ever again, so i prefer to just stay quiet.

just typing this has made me exhausted from the emotional drain so ill stop this post here. thanks.