#i am drawing more eels i just wanted to post this one on its own yeehaw

[spearxwind]

Two people suggested this meme and I couldn't believe I hadn't already drawn this so here it is

Bonus:

[ethersierra]

Here is why the McElroys should consider hiring me if they were ever to adapt Ethersea:

I love Ethersea a lot. Like I'm crazy about it. I'm actively making tables on the wiki and going back and doing episode summaries. I take really detailed notes (I had 22 pages from just the five prologue set ups). I keep track of shit. I have a compilation of all the transcripts in one pdf open at all times.

I have a Vision. The framing, the pacing, the composition, what to keep or cut or add onto, design details. All of it.

While I would not even dare to shoot for the position of illustrator on this ambitious a project (in which I have no professional training so I would be shit at formatting), I do have a creative background in illustration, which would prove useful when communicating with the artist.

I know people! I am your eyes and ears within the Ethersea community. You need a heads up on how something would be received -- well, I've seen how it might! Character choices that matter, relationships that people want to see expanded on, the favorite goofs-- I know them! Your favorite artists who draw scenes from Ethersea? I follow them, I talk to some of them. One of them is my Dungeon Master!! You want to see concepts for this setting? Oh I know a guy! I am like an eel weaving between rocks, you cannot stop me. I find every ethersea post eventually.

I have a diverse array of interests and skills. I may not be a marine biologist but I would drive down to Monterey to talk to one. You need an analytical look at the narrative, to pull apart its themes? Let me just... move this AP Literature score of 5 out of the way so I can start telling you why Ethersea is an incredible piece of fiction with compelling characters and a world that is alive, and how it can function as an allegory to our own relationship with our world. You need someone to do meticulous copy edits? I already have a style guide open in another tab-- being the editor for yearbook trained me for this. I do not only succeed in the technical writing department, but I also have a deep love for science, especially the natural world. My proximity to the pacific ocean means learning a lot about marine ecology even just in passing, and I really love chasing that curiosity.

I have a lot of thoughts about brinarr and their designs. I began working on a speculative biology project about Brinarr but have yet to return to it-- but I learned a Lot about corals and other marine species in that time. I worked on this at the same time as I was taking an anatomy and physiology class (which I have kept my notes from for future reference), and combining these two understandings into one has been one of the more difficult but rewarding creative tasks I've pursued. Because of my variety and versatility of skills and interests, bringing multiple things together to create something new is something I enjoy and comes easily to me.

I am an excellent note taker! I take notes by my very nature. Twice I went to a college tour with a notepad and pen only to find I was alone in that. I have 44 pages of notes from D&D when we only had 5 sessions. I had an organized document for APUSH that was dreadfully long but extremely navigable. I keep my documents in folders. I keep my PLAYLISTS in folders. You will absolutely be able to find the correct document that you're looking for.

I may not have any degrees, or expertise in publishing, but I do have an intense passion for Ethersea and strong motivation to learn and adapt. While this is an absolutely futile endeavor on my end, I am shouting it into the void in the hopes that it is heard.

[axemetaphor]

augh i kept forgetting to post this because i kept wantgin to draw mroe for it but i really suck at emulating Animal Crossing Art Style so im just going to go on a rambling explanation about this under the cut but the basic concept is. they deserve a vacation. and whats more relaxing than animal crossing? probably several things but let me have this ok

id had a bunch of ideas for mroe drawings in this style but Clearly, i am not very good at it, and every time i sat down to Try Again it ended up shitty. this is from literally months ago by now lmao

my Basic Concept was just. take the 3 of them and dump them on an animal crossing island, cause while ive been sick ive been playing a lot of new horizons to try and stay stable, and my brain likes to mush together whatever 2-or-more things im invested in together all the time. here’s some bullet points!

-john really loves diving for sea critters and frequently pulls up those bigass lobsters and eels and shit, he’s got an unnatural knack for it. loves to startle the shit out of dave by just whipping an eel out of his pocket. no thats not an innuendo stop that-- -amy loves planting/watering the flowers but shes not like invested in getting All The Different Types (although that Would be neat) she’s just having fun building a large flower patch. it’s slowly overtaking the island. also dave likes to just kinda sit in the flower patch -speaking of dave he kind of doesnt do much, i think he’d like fishing with john and/or amy and maybe hed like digging up fossils but for the most part hes just chillin, as he deserves to be, -amy likes the DIY recipe stuff though and will frequently politely ask dave to go fetch stuff for her. this has led to most of the villagers/islanders/whateverthetermis, the animal citizens, to have their Main exposure to dave be him wandering around with an axe at 3am because amy’s out of hardwood -speaking of the animal citizens, because i just really like them as a concept, i have no solid concept of who-all would be on their island but whoever they are, john is “friends” with All of them (and by that i mean he says theyre all his friends; whether or not they find him obnoxious Varies,) and amy is genuine friends with most of them/has spoken to all of them at least, and dave rarely if ever speaks to them. hes not very social. most of the animals are a little scared of him until they Actually get to talk to him and then they realize hes just an awkward misanthropic bastard -also in case it wasnt clear id think the 3 of them would all be in one little cabin i mean you can upgrade the shit out of those so they could all feasibly have their own spaces. but also i like polyamory and id say they all 3 share a room because fight me they do itd be cute. also of course the decor of their cabin is absolutely bonkers like listen not only does animal crossing have some weird items but nearly any living space john inhabits most likely has some very strange decor in it !  -tbh actually i think john would do Most of the decor stuff cause like based on the way his house is described i think he’d go NUTS for animal crossing’s Theme Decor Shit i dont know i dont actually do a bunch of that but i sure do think he would! amy would help out esp since she likes the DIY stuff, and i think dave is just kind of ..... allowing this nonsense to happen. letting john be free. probably convincing him to not change the theme every day, maybe every week, if only because it’s a bit of a hassle to have everything Constantly Rearranged.  -hang on wait i just thought of the 3 of them wandering along the beach and picking up seashells and now im like emotional over it bro pls. lovely. -also i jsut realized if daves the guy who digs up fossils he definitely talks to blathers a lot and thats an extremely funny thing to contemplate. the dude who seems to not really liek talking to people and the chatterbox owl. fantastic. you know dave is probably too awkward to tell blathers he doesnt want to hear all thsoe archaeopteryx facts! (also tbh maybe dave would actually like learning stuff) -also. john catches bugs just to give them to blathers and watch him freak out just a little about it.  -john always ends up buying fake art from redd but it’s fine because he just puts it somewhere in or near their cabin. amy however has the uncanny good luck to somehow always find the real artworks! dave doesnt talk to redd, he doesnt really care. -this ones definitely projection because my animal crossing island is a mess (And I Like It That Way Thank U Very Much) but john definitely is the guy who will dump extra furniture at random spots on the island. too much shit in storage? don’t need that Harmonious Chair right now? holding it in ur pockets just because u dont know where else to put it? just dump it on the ground! uncannily, john fuckin Always remembers where he’s put that shit when he happens to need it again. however this does mean sometimes the animal citizens will just ... find a mysterious new chair in their front yard.  -i know that terraforming is a new thing in acnh but i havent done it yet because i dont care about the whole 3 stars rating thing like listen im jsut here to run around and fill the museum if i feel like it but mostly pick up pumpkins and hoard bells for no reason and let my island be taken over by wildflowers. if any of the 3 are into that tho its john or amy--john just for the hell of it, amy would actually like try to Make Stuff of it -their front yard (and back yard if their cabin is put somewhere to allow that) is full of unused furniture as well. and also sometimes random dropped fruits or something, if dave is already carrying a ton when he sees something to dig up. -i think im out of shit to say right now but i might reblog to add mroe so. yes. if youve read this far then holy shit youre dedicated or really bored or something but whatever your reason is i hope this was A Fun Read and if it gave you any ideas Please Tell Me my inbox is open im sick and still in quarantine and i crave human interaction from literally anyone who isnt my parents. thank u 

[sebthesnipe]

And flights of angels sing thee to thy rest!

First // Previously // Next

My Dearest Procyon

Masterpost

MDP Discord Server

Chapter 30

Original story based on this wonderful post by @underdog-arts

TW: Mentions of blood

Logan drew on Patton stretching and weaving his magic a bit clumsily. It was nothing like the magical energy he had shared with Virgil, or even the force siphoned from Noname. Patton’s magic was far stronger. 

Logan could feel the force of it burning inside him almost painfully. Sweat beaded his brow at the strange sensation, his finger dragging across Virgil’s palm. A shimmering gold light marked the tight lines he drew as he continued to weave the ropes around them.

“Logan,” Virgil sighed watching him work. “That’s a bit much, don’t you think?” Virgil asked with an arched brow. The smaller witch could feel the waves of power coming from the man’s work. 

“Yes, well,” Logan sighed, gaze narrowing in concentration. “It seems that this new power will take some time to grow accustomed to. I am more acclimated to a trickle rather than the flood I’m currently attempting to control, Virgil.”

“I wouldn’t know,” Virgil snapped. He was a bit testy, all things considered. He didn’t feel well, had very little magic, and Logan was just tossing this immense force around like it was nothing. Then again, judging by how much power they assumed Patton had, Virgil supposed it was something more than he, or even Logan, had anticipated. 

“Right… Sorry,” Logan mumbled, keeping his gaze glued to the work at hand. His guilt washed through the connection with Patton, making the dragon frown slightly. 

“Don’t worry, Logan,” Patton reassured, reaching out to rest a hand on his arm. “You’ll get the hang of it.” He was well aware that the words wouldn’t really help, but offered them regardless. 

Logan shot him another glance, giving a small smile. Patton could feel the warmth coming from the lanky witch at his words. They might not have helped reassure the man, but they certainly caused a pleasant reaction. That was enough for Patton. 

Logan turned back to his work, finishing drawing the sigil carefully into Virgil’s palm as Patton’s hand dropped away. Virgil’s own gaze was glued to the man’s work as Logan double checked each weave before finally glancing up.

“Are you ready?” he asked the smaller witch.

Virgil hesitated, trying not to get his hopes up. The bonding hadn’t worked with Patton. Why should it work with Logan? What if it didn’t have anything to do with them? What if he was the one that was broken? After everything, after Noname, Logan, Roman. What if he was just too used and damaged to be worth bonding with anyone? 

He hoped that wasn’t the case. 

He gave a small nod. Whatever the case may be, he had to try. He had to save Roman. 

Logan’s honey gaze met purple as he and Virgil stared at one another, beginning to recite the words in unison. 

“Élidaumet andam. Pesäemet andam. Uskolfeartiilamet andam. Sívamet kuuluuko kaike että a ted.”

The two witches paused, waiting to feel the pain that came with the bond, as it had before, but nothing came. 

Patton could feel the tension in Logan rise as the witch tried to determine what he had done wrong. 

“Perhaps, we should try again?” Logan offered. 

“Right, yeah. Maybe we did something wrong,” Virgil nodded, knowing that wasn’t the case. He needed it to be the truth though. He needed to have done something wrong, otherwise- 

Otherwise he wasn’t worth trying to save. 

“Élidaumet andam. Pesäemet andam. Uskolfeartiilamet andam. Sívamet kuuluuko kaike että a ted.”

A moment of silence… Another… 

“Nothing,” Logan sighed, casting his eyes downwards as he unraveled his weaves of magic. 

“Well, it was worth a shot,” Virgil huffed, pulling his hand away and holding it close to his chest. He took a deep breath, trying to steady himself, but only managing to cause another coughing fit. 

“Don’t worry Virgil! We’ll figure something out!” Patton offered with a smile, reaching out for the witch. 

Logan could feel Patton’s disbelief in his reassurance. It was a distracting feeling, though it certainly had its benefits. For once in Patton’s life, he didn’t have to feel completely alone. 

“Yes, Patton is right,” Logan reassured. “We’ll find a way to rescue Roman and then perhaps you will be able to bond with him.”

“Ha!” Virgil barked sarcastically. “That’s if we manage to rescue him and if he would be willing to bond with me and if I can even bond with someone again! Let’s face it, Lo, the fact that I couldn’t bond with you makes it a pretty damn good chance I won’t be able to bond with anyone!” The smaller witch glanced at Patton to gauge his reaction at his choice of words, but couldn’t find it in himself to apologize. “Besides, for all we know, bonding with Roman could lead to the same situation you and I were in, only worse! Roman is human with no magical powers! I’d literally be feeding off his soul! I couldn’t do that to him!”

Logan and Patton shared a look, obviously uncomfortable. 

However, Logan’s resolve was too much. Patton could feel he wouldn’t be able to convince the man to hide the truth from Virgil. After everything the two witches had gone through, he wouldn’t be willing to ask it of him either. Patton gave a consensual nod, causing the tension in Logan’s shoulders to ease. 

“Actually, Virgil. That isn’t entirely true,” Logan began, moving to stand…

………………………………………………

Roman let his eyes fall shut. His eyelids felt like sandpaper against them. The stinging pain caused liquid to escape down his cheeks, but he wasn’t sure if it was water or blood. How long had he been hanging there? How long had he been awake in this endless darkness? A day? Two? A week?

He couldn’t tell.

Did time pass differently in the baku’s den? Would he ever be allowed to sleep? To see Virgil again? 

Surely he wouldn’t die here, strung up like some cow being drained for the butcher. Roman was a prince! He deserved a more glamorous death. Though, at the moment he wasn’t too picky…

……………………………………………………..

“Roman?!!!” Virgil yelled at the top of his lungs as he walked through  endless white halls. “Roman?!!!” he called again desperately. 

He wasn’t sure how much time he had before he woke again or before his body gave out.

He was getting closer. He could sense Roman’s dream pattern. Everyone had one, a fingerprint in the dream world, something so uniquely them. The witch was a bit surprised when he had first sensed it. It was an odd time of day to be sleeping, but there was no telling what had happened to the prince in the time that they had been separated. 

Virgil paused in consideration. He supposed he shouldn’t call Roman a prince any longer. From what Logan had told him, Roman wasn’t one. Roman had never been one. It was all so twisted and confusing and none of it really mattered. Roman was Roman and that was good enough for Virgil. 

“Rom-” Virgil called once more, cutting himself off. He felt water on his cheek, causing him to glance up. Another drop fell, landing on his forehead. Another on his chin. The nonexistent sky opened, drenching Virgil in an instant.  

He held a hand out, feeling the harsh warm water patter against his skin. Roman rarely dreamed of rain. Most of his dreams were filled with memories, horrible memories. Virgil often visited him, destroying and reconstructing his dreams to help him rest a bit easier. He would pull in jellyfish, giant eels, whales, flowers… all the things Roman seemed so intrigued by… but not rain. Especially, this dark thundering rain that raged around him now. A familiar kind of rain.

Virgil breathed deeply, the scent of lavender filling his nose. 

“Remy,” he sighed softly, dread filling him. 

“Well, that didn’t take you as long as I expected,” the sassy voice came, causing Virgil to spin. “Long time, no see, Doll,” they grinned, flashing their pointed teeth. 

Remy stood a good foot and a half taller than the oneiromancer, towering over him suddenly. The thin flowing black cloth that wrapped around their body, tied at the waist, covered the majority of their too pale skin. Their flowing black shadow like hair shifted and twitched as they peered down at the smaller man. 

“As happy as I am to see you, Remy,” Virgil sighed. “I was hoping it wouldn’t be like this.” 

“How’d you know it was me?” Remy asked curiously. 

“The rain and lavender were a bit of a give away,” Virgil admitted with a small smile.

“Bitch, you know rain is my jam,” they chuckled, giving a snap of their fingers, causing a set of chairs to materialize.  

Virgil gave a nod, moving to sink down into the chair that was obviously meant for him.  He waved a hand to will away the storm. This dream may have originated from Roman, but it was no longer his. Regardless, the witch hoped the act would bring the man some small comfort.

“You have him, don’t you? This was supposed to be his dream,” Virgil asked, smile fading as he watched Remy move to sit in their own chair. 

“You mean, Mr. Too-toned?” they teased lightly, “He is a snacc, isn’t he?!” they giggled.

“Remy…” Virgil huffed, obviously not in a playful mood. 

“Oh, don’t be such a downer,” the baku grumbled. “Yes, I have him.”

“Is he alright?! Is he hurt?!” Virgil rushed, tensing at the news. 

“Guurl, take it down a few notches before you blow that cute little head of yours,” Remy huffed, giving another wave. A table appeared between them, already set with an elegant kettle and two cups of steaming dark liquid. Remy reached for their cup and sipped it slowly. “He’s alive, though a bit beat up. Nothing too serious from what I could tell. A few cracked ribs, a broken bone here or there. It looks like Lord Noname had some fun before sending me his scraps.”

The news didn’t make Virgil feel any better. 

“But he is alive?” the witch asked.

“For now, yes,” Remy nodded, taking another sip.

“Does Noname want you to kill him?” Virgil asked, his anxiety only rising at the possibility.

“No,” Remy answered simply, watching the tension fall off the man in waves. “Whatever the boss wants, Prince Charming ain’t giving up anytime soon. He wouldn’t have sent him to me otherwise. I’ve got orders to keep him alive, Puppet,” Remy warned, causing Virgil to meet their gaze worryingly. “I don’t get those orders unless it’s something big, something he’s willing to get at all costs.”

Virgil nodded slowly, finally moving to accept the cup in front of him. 

“I don’t know what I’m going to do, Remy,” he sighed. “We’re on our way there, but by the time we get there-”

“He could be dead or insane,” Remy nodded, “It is a very real possibility, Puppet.” 

“If that happens, if I can’t make it-” Virgil paused, taking a long drink before focusing on his breathing. “Remy, he won’t be the only one that dies.”

“Guurl,” Remy chuckled, “I’ll admit what you’ve accomplished is impressive,  severing your ties with the bossman, running away, staying hidden, but I doubt you’re strong enough to kill h-”

“Remy, I’m dying.” Virgil interrupted, causing the baku’s breath to hitch. 

There was a moment of silence as Remy tried to process the new information.

“Don’t be so over dramatic,” Remy chuckled nervously. “Just because you don’t have your prince doesn’t mean-”

“He’s not a prince, Remy, and I’m not being dramatic. Roman is my last chance. If I can’t get to him, we're both dead…”

To be continued...

Taglist:

@hiddendreamer67 @nightashes @aequinoctiale @sumersnowlilly

[bebaexoexo]

Shit Oh Sehun did in 2017

-Mistook Jeonghan (svt) for Johnny (nct)

-Movie date with suho

-Slayed at the gaon chart award show with a solo dance

-Paris vacation/date with suho

-Got called best dressed man at a Louis Vuiton catwalk and then proceeded to spend the next day walking around Paris with a hood, baseball cap and a cowboy hat on his head all at one time

-Revealed his bed time snuggle routine with Suho, no shame attached

-Was supposed to debut as an Actor Oh in February, but didn’t…

-Was supposed to debut as an Actor Oh in March, but didn’t…

-Got an award for being himself (popularity award)

-Was supposed to debut as an Actor Oh in April, but didn’t…(NoT EvEn a FRackin TraIleR)

-Waved to a tablet instead of the camera, tried to play it cool by continuing to do so

-Posted about his big chilli… 0.0

-Got 15 points on a drawing game while everyone else got over 100 (he drew love hearts and wrote ‘I’m sorry’ for everything and still couldn’t accept being last)

-Howled because of sour pickles

-Members accuse him of being the prime suspect when food goes missing in the fridge, he agrees

-Used binoculars the wrong way round and couldn’t understand why he couldn’t see (Suho to the rescue and an embarrassed osh as a result)

-Gets driven around by big brother chanyeol

-CAN SING (might as well be in exo’s vocal line)

-Biyak Biyak 4 lyfe

-Rubbed his head on a random guy’s stomach (who looks like he’s his sugar daddy)

-Made suho sad because he didn’t go to a premier with him, but went to a festival with Chanyeol and guy whose stomach he rubbed his head on

-Danced (????) at said music festival. By dance I mean chicken fingers at the crowd wtf @ exo’s main dancer

-Can ya tell iv given up on the debut of Actor Oh

-Graced his instagram with such artistic pictures of rice, spoons and cereal

-Only one ft BoA returns

-KING OF SPOILERS sehun the cereal rice (kokobop) poster

-KING OF SPOILERS PT2 dancing the dance with kai can you all please stop this isn’t good for me

-Comments ‘is this exo’s official account?’ On exo’s official account

-“What did you do in preperation for this album?” “Loyalty”

-Passionately talked about eel reproduction

-“Favorite fruit?” “Water with ice”

-Gave flowers to the members because he’s their cute baby omfh (it was a punishment but same thing)

-*gives Kai a rose* “it fits you, you’re sexy and dark red suits you”

-Baekhyun confirms Sehuns big DIACK

-“Sehun has absolutely no interest I’m women. How do I know? Sehunnie said he has no interest in women”- Baekhyun

-Bragged about a really good noodle place, took 30+ people to eat and payed for them- but the food was disappointing

-“Say something to the EXO-L for their birthday” *sehun claps*

SUPER ELLE

-*brags about his dog at every chance he gets, literal protective father to vivi* “I am a cat person”

-EXOTOURAGRAM AKA SEHO AND FRIENDS

-“We’ve been roommates for 6 years I want to cross the line”

-Producer Oh

-“I’ve arrived!” \(-°o°-)/

-Date in NYC with suho (ft the third wheel JD)

-Pulls out chair for suho

-“Its enough just to film me, suho’ s voice in the background is fine”

-Couldn’t believe that a waitress in NYC can’t speak Korean

-Theatre date with suho (ft the late third wheel JD)

-Kicks suho out of their room

-SBS power fm- more like 2 hours of sehun whinning and crying from embarrassment while suho laughs

-“I really like chocolate milk. I think it’s love”

-“Sehunnie is upset~ upset~ really really upset… huhuu” AEGAO KING WHAY

-“I’ve been having a hard time too. At times like this, we should all embrace each other. There’s something I always tell the members and that is to to ‘hug/embrace (me)’. Let’s cheer each other on, got it everyone? Cheer up always and yea, that’s it” and this is why we love our baby

-Sehun irl- “I love all my hyungs to the moon and back #se-rang-hai-yo” Sehun in manwha- “who cares”

-LA date with suho

-DING DONG

-“Let’s goo” \(^o^!)__

-Just sehun trying to control his face while riding the drift car

-King of being HOT, calm and panicking at the same time when their car stalled

-Also Oh Sehun driving someone hold me

-Heart-shaped sweatpatch on his back

-“Excuse me… sir… ketchup ketchup yahh… thank you”

-“The hardest time isn’t when we have a lot of schedule but when the members have different opinions (argue). It saddens me a lot”

-Me me da

-Fan- “do sehun and i have something in common?” Sehun- “we’re human”

-Las Vegas date with suho

-Volunteers suho to go sky diving first like the little shit he is

-Wears a dress shirt and leather shoes to sky diving

-Acts like he isnt shitting himself on the zipwire

-Shamelessly wore nothing underneath an easily unzip-able hoodie

-MC Oh

-“Who is the scariest hyung?” “All of them”

-Tries to prank suho by putting a sticker on him, fails misrebly and then loses the sticker

-White suit blue shirt

-Chanyeol saying Sehuns voice is so good he wants to produce him PLEs

-Teary eyed sehun as eXO WIN RHE PRIME MINISFERS AWARD WWKBDUDBDJ

-Hello councellor MC’s @ seho “stop touching eachother are you guys coming out right now?”

-Sehun @ LVTN

-Gets customised bags from LVTN

-Sehun @ Moncler (also makes the CEO come out just to take pictures with him we love a powerful man)

-Peace signs in his pockets when hes told not to do it

-Doesnt follow seungri back on insta because aesthetics

-Omfg okay elyxion antics begins here

-SHIRTLESS SEHUN IMDG THAT BOY JUST THREW OFF THAT JACKETS WTF I JUST GOT OUT OF WORK AND THATS THE FIRST THING I SEE ON INSTA WTF OMG MY HEART I DONT EVEN KNOW WHATS GOING ON YET BUT I SAW FOKKIN RIPPED SEHUN AND SHIT THATS JISTVTJE LIFE OMG THIS IS GONNA BE LIT

-Wrote and co produced his solo In At thE CONCERT COZ WE LOVE A TALENTED KING

-Lovingly strokes suhos face during touch it

-Comforts kai, upset because he made a mistske in his solo, during cmb

-Danced to ka-ching with CBX

-Suho “after our concert ended at midnight yesterday, sehun and i went back to our door and boiled 20 eggs. 2 adult men peeled them seriously and ate 10 eggs”

-Kisses baekhyuns neck

-Eats pizza at the concert after holding back for months, members happy give us one last chance at seeing THE ABS

-Went crazy and got chanyeol too drunk on his birthday

-Fansites “please dont crop our watermark we work really hard for these pictures” Sehun ;)

-Cute instalive of him just trying on the filters and telling us not to be stressed and play

-SEHUN IN DEAR HAPPINES OMG GREY SEHUN IS DA BESTZ IN A THIN WHITE SHIRT OMG

-“OK!! goo” *pouts*

-“Hey dog, look at me~”

-“Cheese many manyyy”

-*is just standing there posing* Photographer “youre cute”

-Didnt know it was just him, kai and baekhyun in the lightsaber mv

-“Sehunnie makes the most delicious soju” byun baekhyun

-LEON KOREA

-Makes a personal training room in their dorm that can barely fit his own ass

-Supports suho at his musical despite both going through a tough time

-Struggles with the rudolph hat

-SINGING IN UNIVERSE YES DAS MA BETCH

-Subtly strokes suhos face on a national award show

-Make chanyeol kneel whenever he wants something from him. We love our king

-Curly haired solo on mbc gayo

-A beautiful family picture from Oh Sehun to end 2017

——–

Cr. Lerandomexotic

I had a lot of fun making this, just thought i needed to record sehuns never ending loveble antics etc

Feel free to add whatever else i missed

Hopefully he’ll just keep getting crazier next year too, and exo themselves will grow to be greatet and stronger

Like, reblog & excel

[opfuckery]

Tagged by: @elldan​ Eyyyyyyy thank you!!

Rules: Write down 10 facts about yourself and tag 10 followers you want to know better.

Tagging: Hi :) I tag you. I’m too much of a coward to tag specific people tbh so talk about yourself! Say I tagged you! Just make a post and DO IT.

1. I used to be an artist, or rather, I AM an artist but drawing is HARD and I am a perfectionist. Its a horrible combination so I stopped a long time ago because I was tired and sad.

2. I have a total of four cats and there is only one that hasn't been shown on this blog :)

3. I have a coffee cup hoarding problem.

4. I live in a house that has maybe 50+ fish tanks. We got eels and shit. Tropical fish. I basically live in an aquarium.

5. I work at a Walgreens which seems nice and comforting because its a pharmacy store but we are actually right on the corner of a hwy where three buses stop so we get all the weirdos. All of them.

6. I was once in a bad place and had to sell all my manga and book to be able to eat so I went to a used book store because I needed cash fast and he handed me $100 for like at least $1,000 worth of books and I just started crying right there in the bookstore. A full grown woman with my boxes of books being taken from me and only $100 to show for it.

7. I have more stuffed animals than I have room to sleep on my bed.

8. My favorite games to play to relax are harvest moon games :) Or anything similar to that. I have been playing a lot of Stardew Valley as of late.

9. I play King’s Raid on the phone everyday! I am opfuckery on there too if you wanna add!

10. Other fandoms/other shows I adore are Supernatural, Walking dead and youtube channel Good Mythical Morning. I also love the Bakemonogatari series but for my own personal reasons and not entirely as a whole. It's pretty problematic ^^;

[garden-of-succulents]

today in “breaking my own heart”

I messaged @dsudis with, “ZIMBITS PERSUASION AU WHERE JACK IS ANNE”

(Persuasion is a Jane Austen novel where Anne, the heroine, was once persuaded to break an engagement to a poor man she truly loved. Ten years later, they meet again when he is no longer poor and she is no longer young and pretty. You can get the important bits from this post and this post.)

So here's how that went.

Lis Staranise: okay okay so Lis Staranise: Persuasion Lis Staranise: In canon I'm pretty sure Parse thinks he's Captain Wentworth. He thinks Jack has been languishing, sad and forgotten and alone, and will blossom once again in Parse's golden aura. Dira Sudis: natch Lis Staranise: In this AU, Parse is Lady Russell. Bitty is Captain Wentworth, Jack's college fling--inasmuch as Jack 110% Zimmermann can have a "fling" Lis Staranise: Then Jack, regretfully, concludes that to get onto the team he wants he has to stay in the closet (maybe Boblicia are less supportive and understanding here) so he breaks up with Bitty and spends the next 10 years grinding his ass off in the NHL, and winning the Cup once is more than most guys ever get but it's still left him washed up at 35 with no home life, knees shot to hell, and faint tinnitus that never goes away. Lis Staranise: Bitty has successful restaurants in Savannah, New York, and London, two bestselling books (one cookbook, one memoir), and a Food Network show. Jack's in his second year with the Kings when Bitty's show moves its production to LA. Dira Sudis: ooooooooooooooh Dira Sudis: <3___________<3 Dira Sudis: (Did... did Jack scour through the memoir looking for a hint of himself?????) Lis Staranise: HE HAD TO Lis Staranise: oh god oh Jack Dira Sudis: he told himself he just needed to know if rumors were going to start Dira Sudis: but he could have gotten someone else to read it if it was just that Lis Staranise: "Does he remember me? Does he regret it? Does he think about me at all?" Dira Sudis: "Is he as happy as he seems on TV? I want him to be happy, it's so hard to tell sometimes whether he's really happy or just being Bitty." Lis Staranise: Bitty's a year past his breakup with a guy who has a hit single out now. He's ready to hit the LA scene. Dira Sudis: (out as out can be and his own MooMaw has appeared on his super cheerfully open-and-out Food Network show) Dira Sudis: (it all worked great for him, coming out, and Jack wonders if... well. he chose what he chose.) Lis Staranise: Jack wonders if he should hang in there, hope they'll turn it around next season, or just give in and hang up his skates. Go back to Montreal and see what the dating prospects are like for washed-up middle-aged millionaires. (He shudders.) Lis Staranise: Bitty's so ready to rub it in. Dira Sudis: yeah, man, the fury of a Bitty scorned Dira Sudis: and given a decade to marinate Dira Sudis: --except also he's BITTY so when confronted with Actual Jack In Real Life it ... does not go quite like that Lis Staranise: NOT THAT HE'S BITTER, but when given the chance to cook for the hockey team, he absolutely signs up for it. Lis Staranise: and... yeah Dira Sudis: oh man and then Bitty toying with the affections of a younger guy on Jack' teeeeeeeeeeeeam Lis Staranise: YES Dira Sudis: and Jack's all "oh... oh they... they'll probably be very happy together. That's good." Dira Sudis: (I am literally halfway through re-reading Persuasion rn) Lis Staranise: Jack is just a Good Captain Dira Sudis: he is!

and

Lis Staranise: Mr. Elliot is a scout for one of the lesser pro leagues, probably operating in an expansion market Jack would rather not end up in. But he's friendly and attractive and flirtatious, which is hard for a hockey bro to pull off, but somehow he does it. Dira Sudis: oooh Lis Staranise: Jack knows what he wants, but everyone watching... thinks he wants something else Lis Staranise: and is going to go play hockey in Slovenia in his twilight years Dira Sudis: oh jaaaaack Lis Staranise: He'd get more ice time. He'd be the face of the franchise again, instead of someone aging out of the game's prime. Dira Sudis: It could be a perfectly sensible choice. Lis Staranise: Parse is playing there. Dira Sudis: ohhhhhhhh Lis Staranise: Oh babies

and

Dira Sudis: Jack knows that he's the bad guy in the thing with Bitty, he knows he has no right to want anything from Bitty or anything but for Bitty to be happy Dira Sudis: he just. you know. also never, ever stopped loving him. Dira Sudis: and he expected icy politeness and at least one "Bless your heart" Dira Sudis: but--okay, idk how much of Persuasion you happen to have memorized, but there is this scene when Frederick and Anne first really see each other again-- Dira Sudis: where he comes upon her and she happens to be alone with her young nephews, and the older one has a broken collarbone so she's attending to him--not that it's happened just then, but she's trying to keep him still and whatnot--and the toddler comes in and just starts climbing all over her and won't quit even when she finally pushes him away, but climbs up her back and is clinging to her neck or pulling her hair--causing her actual physical discomfort and making it really difficult for her to dislodge him or do anything Lis Staranise: AND HE PICKS THE KID UP Dira Sudis: YES Lis Staranise: AHHHHHHHH Dira Sudis: doesn't say anything to her, just comes and picks the kid up off her Dira Sudis: and takes him away and distracts him Lis Staranise: YEEESSSSSS Dira Sudis: so I am just imagining--Bitty like Dira Sudis: distracting press for Jack? Dira Sudis: something like that? Lis Staranise: oh mann Lis Staranise: "What's your advice to younger athletes out there, Jack?" "Uh, I think discipline is really important, and... trying your best... but also, um... you need a life... beyond your sport. You can't sacrifice everything for it." Dira Sudis: just, without acknowledging what he's doing, drawing attention away from him and getting him out of whatever situation Dira Sudis: in a way that no one but Bitty would know that he wanted/needed Dira Sudis: OH JAAAACK Lis Staranise: Oh man, the distraction begins with the old SMH joke where a fan asks him for his autograph, and then the Samwell players demand Jack's autograph TOO. So Bitty eels in, sunny-bright, and gets Jack to sign the back of his hand, and then turns around and takes over the press scrum Dira Sudis: yesssssss Lis Staranise: and Jack just ducks into an alcove, stunned, and thinks, "He remembered. He remembered." Dira Sudis: YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS Dira Sudis: and did it--cared to do it--for Jack Dira Sudis: that's not his job, nothing obligated him to do that, but... he did Dira Sudis: he could have just stood there and watched Jack suffer, watched him stutter and squirm, but he gave Jack the out. and like that!

[swampgallows]

i need help. i cant do anything. even in europe all i did was trail behind. i didnt book anything or research anything. i just followed along. everybody else planned everything and i just followed behind.

i dont know what will happen to me without coverage. i need to make calls but i dont know what will happen. i really need help and i really want to be able to do things without my parents. there is so much my parents dont know and that i dont feel safe telling them. there is so much i dont trust my parents with but they control everything. they dont even know i quit my job because i was going to kill myself. ir eally want to get help. and i really need to get help. and i feel like the only way i can truly do it is if im entirely removed from this environment for an extended period of time. i thought europe would be the thing to help me enough but during the last few days when i realized i was going to have to come back here i started panicking and getting sick. and since i got home my body has been rejecting even the most mild of foods (oatmeal, applesauce, eggs and toast) and i cant sleep for more than a few hours at a time, at random. and i cant focus on anything again, and i only managed to draw something for a little bit when my mom was at the hospital again. 

i hate that i cant do anything alone but i feel like when im by myself i’ll disappear. but even when im with people i fall out of existence and stop being a person. i cant be here. im struggling to be here any more as a person. 

i had canceled my wow subscription (i guess?) so it wouldnt charge me while i wasnt playing and i havent started it back up again yet. i opened hots but i didnt play it. i cant even play video games. 

i really need help. i really need to get somewhere where i can be away from this environment and get help or im just going to sit in my bed until i die. im dissociated more than im grounded  nowadays, even on the trip. if eel like unless im in a super safe and time-constrained situation (like a rave or at a restaurant?? or something) i cant be a human being. like i have to have a scripted event and i cant exist outside of it. i dont know what to do with myself unless im being perceived or something like that. 

i hate writing about this stuff on tumblr but it’s making me lose my mind if i dont get it out somehow. it’s just spinning in my head and all i can do is sit here. it’s 4 in the morning and i thought about cleaning my room to do something productive while not having to be a person, per se, but it’s 4am and it would be too loud. i thought about getting in my car and driving around a little while the streets are super empty but my mom is awake and sitting by the door.

im so fucking sick of my parents knowing about every single thing i do. i cant be a person independent of them if i cant do or say anything without them knowing. and even if i put up my middle finger and say like FUCK YOU IM DOING THIS like my sister does it doesnt matter, in the end they still control everything and they still KNOW. i still have to come back to their house to go to bed, and even if im gone for days they know im gone. my sister is looking into renting a place with her shitty chaotic boyfriend (even though she swore up and down that she would NEVER move in with him) just so she doesnt have to fucking live here. AND SHE’S 29 AND I’M 27 WE SHOULDNT HAVE TO STILL LIVE WITH OUR PARENTS BUT NO ONE IN MY GENERATION CAN AFFORD TO MOVE OUT WITHOUT LIVING WITH 9 STRANGERS FOR 800 A MONTH EACH, AND THOSE NUMBERS ARE NOT EXAGGERATED

it was such a relief when i was in europe to just not check in with them at all or have to tell them anything. not even ‘hey i’m here safe!’ fuck you. i barely even posted on facebook about it except for checking in to places on swarm, and not to tell them, but just to do it, because it’s what i’d do anyway. “thanks for the update” my sister wrote, like i was supposed to tell them sooner. it’s none of their fucking business. they are not part of the equation at all. i bought the plane ticket, i paid for my share of the hotel and hostel and apartment, AND i was planning to drive myself to nate’s house until my mother fucking berated me about it and dropped me off instead (they were using my car that week anyway). 

my sister is on a career path and so is my brother and im not. i havent tried learning coding again in a while. i really do not have anything to live for, im not in love with anybody and i have no dreams and i dont even want to get married really and i DEFINITELY do not want children, i still feel like a child, i feel too helpless and stupid to do anything, my art is WAY below the professional level and i couldnt even fulfill all the commissions i took, i barely even draw for myself. i dont do anythign for myself. i cant even take care of myself. im full of self-destructive impulses maybe because i feel like if it gets bad enough my parents will give a shit about me, or something, but they dont, or they cant, theyre incapable. i think about all the healing i have to do and all the trauma ive been through and how my mother takes even that away from me, using it to further her own self-flagellation about what a bad mother she is. even if i killed myself, my suicide would matter to her more as a means to further punish herself than as a loss of my life. and i know this because when i was hit by the car and didnt have the self-preservation to call for help or do anything, all she did was scream at me at the top of her lungs and then complain about what a bad mother she was that she apparently never taught us to call our parents.

i had to throw up when we were driving back to lax to drop cookies off and i thought i could make it. i puked all over myself, bad, in nate’s car, and he said, “you need to just tell me if you have to and i’ll pull over.” and i legitimately didnt even think of that. i am so accustomed to just suffering in silence and then getting punished afterward that i didnt do a solid for myself or for my friends by just giving a heads up about what was happening to me. i just let it happen and dealt with the consequences. and that thought really unnerved me. why didnt i say something? did i really think he would get mad at me for asking, for having the audacity to get sick? was i embarrassed??? well i was sure as fuck embarrassed for puking all over myself like a fucking infant, so why didnt i just say something? like who the fuck does that? i just sat there fighting it, thinking it would go away, instead of saying like “dude, can we pull over? i think im gonna throw up.” maybe i didnt want to be an inconvenience, or ruin the good time, or be needy, or draw attention to myself, or possibly make cookies late for her plane (she had more than enough time and it wouldnt have been a problem at all. pulling over for a minute wouldnt have mattered. we werent even on the freeway.) so why didn’t i even think to say something?

i was never like this. i was never somebody who didnt stand up for myself.

or was i? i dont know. i have avenged people in the past, speaking up for them when they didnt have anyone on their side, so why cant i speak up for myself? i didnt say anything when i was being molested, or raped, but i was just a child. but ive been ground down more and more to be more subservient, quieter, helpless, and the few times i try to defend myself or make a stand or speak up i end up saying a very wrong thing or being extremely rude or just embarrassing myself by saying something foolish. or i come off as aggressive. 

aggression.

i have nothing so i have nothing to ground me and nothing with which to assert myself. as time goes on i feel weaker and weaker, more and more feeble and like i need permission to be alive. i cant be open with my family about nearly any of my beliefs or interests, hence why i am so fervent and adamant them in spaces that i can be (like, here, for instance, blogging until i am blue in the face about warcraft and dumb rave shit). in person i feel foolish among other wow fans, who play the game better than i do and know more about the lore than i do, and i am made to feel like an imposter (FUCK YOU spellcheck i prefer the -er) or an idiot or a “fake fan” or like “wow you dedicate so much of your life to this and you still dont know a fucking thing, what a loser, what a moron”. and i feel that way about rave shit too. hanging around other DJs and shit who know so much more about their specific areas, things im not necessarily against knowing but havent really done the research on my own, i feel like i’m nothing, too.

i dont have any worthwhile qualities and especially nothing that i’m capable of doing to a lucrative or productive degree. i have a worthless art degree, speaking of which, after 5 interminable soul-crushing years at a university that ground me in its teeth and made me feel like i belonged as a smear on the pavement. and then i almost was that after being hit by a car during what was supposed to be my final semester. 

im just really not supposed to be here and i have nothing to offer. and i know nobody is “supposed” to be here but i dont even have the means to act like it or to make myself useful. i cant even be useful to myself. i cant even do the things i have an inkling of wanting to do. i just start hitting myself or crying even when i try to do the things that will make me happy. the amount of times ive been at my tables mixing away and then beating the shit out of myself at the slightest mistake and having to sit in the bath for an hour to calm down are innumerable. drawing isn’t as violent, unless im interrupted, in which case it becomes a heavy weight, like an anvil on my forehead, screaming about all the time i was wasting, and how i spent x hours on this and it still looks like shit or it’s completely pointless or “oh orcs again how fucking original you fucking cuntrag of course your favorite is the inexcusably evil and violent genocidal piece of shit character you constantly try to “fix” in your head and make excuses for because youre a broken worthless idiot addicted to abuse since being used is the only function you have in this world”

im kind of glad r/incel was banned because i was developing kind of a hate-read addiction to seeing screenshots on here. i never went to the reddit itself but being raised on that kind of mentality brought back a lot of feelings, and i was trying to train myself to just laugh at those posts, but so many people like that have ruined me in the past that i ended up feeling like i had a duty to “hear” them out. i was practically raised by men who would now be classified as “incels” and that rhetoric comprised a bulk of my understanding about sexuality, especially when my introduction to the entire concept of sex was through entitlement via rape. i thought letting myself be abused was some act of altruism, and that men wanting to possess me was something admirable and validating, especially since i was so ugly, that they in turn were being charitable by allowing themselves to be associated with me, that the least i could do was let them get some kind of pleasure out of it. 

sure i didnt know any better as a child but im still fighting these feelings as an adult. i cant even navigate my own feelings about men. the pirate wants to go to bar sinister again on saturday (with smee, luckily) but i still cant feel out if it’s a date or not, and i still cant decide whether or not i’m comfortable with it being a date, since i dont know what attraction is, i dont want to hurt the guy’s feelings, and i’d like to stay friends, and i dont want to make him mad, and i dont want to lead him on either, and i DONT KNOW WHY i am basically arguing with myself as to whether or not i should ‘let this happen’, that i should just allow something to happen to me, again, because i “pursued” this man enough to let him know i wanted to get to know him better and hang with him outside of just seeing him on the bus, but i do not believe i have ever consciously pursued someone romantically IN MY LIFE (and if i did i was the last to know i was doing it). i have never had the thought “I want to date this person” because i dont fucking know what dating is, i dont know what anything is, i dont fucking know anything, i am not someone who would intentionally make a “First Move” on someone in the way of “wow i want to kiss this person so i had better get to know them better” like they do in the movies.

ultimately i guess i cannot ever imagine someone respecting me and being reciprocal with me. cannot ever imagine someone wanting to be around me for me and not because of some ulterior motive, like that theyre in love with me because of some shit emotional labor they squeezed out of me or some naive infatuation theyve conjured up in their heads about how we’re going to be married someday even if i explicitly reject them outright on several separate occasions, or how they’re so emotionally stunted that me being a cordial human being and sharing a trace of interest with them (wow youre a girl, AND you play video games? AND you have hooves?) translates into a crush because they have zero boundaries or understanding of women. 

cause like, im a fucking disaster area. i dont even want to be around me. i cannot even look at myself in the mirror, my insecurity is volatile, i’m incredibly unstable and i have no self-preservation or means of independence. if you want to be dragged down in every facet possible, look no further: i am a living embodiment of trench foot. so because i deem myself having no value i dont see why anyone else could. which is why im comfortable with traces of platonic shit and why social media is perfect. it’s meaningful enough interaction to let me know that i, individually, have value, but superficial and ephemeral enough to know it’s not because anyone has any weird fucking obsession with or bias toward me. my art appears on their dash in a flash and if they like it, they like it, and that’s it. they dont gotta say shit, and it’s an entirely objective Unit of Value not based on any expected performance from me or my identity as a human being. Just, deemed worthy, and if they add their own addendum or something it’s because they’re contributing to something larger, not directly feeding into my ego/personhood. 

and in turn, on my blog i can provide whatever sort of content i want without expectation and at the end of the day even if it goes unnoticed, im not doing it for any means to an end so ultimately its impact is irrelevant. like, thank fucking god. my blog doesnt provide a service to people where they expect some kind of Product, and they can opt out at any time. as long as im not going around hurting people (and obviously i would never want to do that) my blog doesnt matter, and i dont have to matter. 

“you matter”. fuck off. maybe i dont want to matter. maybe im better off just being a transient, tied to nothing and no one to keep from burdening anybody or burdening myself by feeling like i have to be fucking “useful” all the time. 

for how truly invisible i feel all the time, it’s ironic how much i wish i could be.

[queerloquial]

tl;dr- saints row hawke family au. bethany amell sends fanmail to a rising gang warlord to cope with a shitty personal life, jasper hawke continues searching for a connection to his estranged baby sister

the first postcard arrives shortly after he takes stilwater for the second time, penned in an unsteady cursive slope: “dear mister jasper hawke,” the blue loops eventually align themselves to read, “i have a homework assignment today to write a letter to my hero. i think i am supposed to pick gandhi or my mother, but i picked you instead because it would make both of them mad. how are you? i am annoyed and twelve and will get a c on this because you are a bad influence. don't tell my mom.”

he gives a soft huff of a laugh and sets the card on his desk, on top of a stack of takeout menus, movie ticket stubs, and old post-it reminders. after a couple weeks it’s joined by another card in the same wandering handwriting, “dear mister jasper, are you really as tall as you look on tv? have you always been that tall? i’m almost thirteen and i can still fit my fourth grade clothes. i think if i stood next to you i would only be as tall as your elbow maybe”

on the same schedule, a third. “dear mister jasper, we did family trees today in history. it took the teacher almost the entire class time to figure out i was making everything up. i probably shouldn’t have said that my dad is in witness protection because he witnessed a brutal murder. i got a b though”

“dear mister jasper, i hope you had a nice day today. i wonder if that would involve more explosions than normal for you or less?”

“dear mister jasper, the girl beside me in language arts copied off my test and told the teacher i cheated off of her. i got a 0, so i punched her in the nose the way i saw you do to a reporter in an interview last week. i think you would be proud of me. mom wasn’t” he does, in fact, feel a small swell of pride at this nameless kid standing up for themselves, as he shelves this card with the rest, under a tabloid clipping proclaiming ‘leandra amell’s out-of-control daughter suspended- again! jazz icon refuses to comment on preteen’s violent rampage’

“dear mister jasper, i heard my favorite song on the radio and wondered if my dad was listening to it too”

“dear mister jasper, mom visited the school today and gave a speech about following your dreams, and made me stand up and sing to demonstrate a point. i didn't get swallowed up by the earth, so i can't say i'm following my dreams”

“dear mister jasper, do you ever get scared of things? i have a math test tomorrow and if i get three wrong then my gpa will drop and i won’t get into the college mom wants. i’m also scared of eels. they’re creepy”

only a few days later comes the apparent follow-up, “dear mister jasper, do gangsters accept apprentices like in hogwarts? or maybe interns? i think i could be a good intern even though i don’t know what interns do. my report cards say i’m a fast learner”

“dear mister jasper, it was my birthday today. my roommate gave me fuzzy socks that her cousin sent her for her birthday last month and a card made from notebook paper. mom sent her love. at least i think she did. she didn’t say anything to me”

“dear mister jasper, today i saw a young mom with a baby and i wanted to ask her when she would get bored of it and put it in a boarding school. i couldn’t leave my field trip group though. we were at the art museum. it was nice”

“dear mister jasper, i tried to draw the saints logo. i think i did a good job on the shading. i want you to have it, and only a little bit because i already got in trouble for having a saints t-shirt” he pins the lopsided fleur-de-lis, carefully lined in glittery purple gel pen, to the wall above the desk

“dear mister jasper, my teacher wants us to write a letter to our dads for fathers day. i think you are more fun and would probably be a better dad than whoever my dad is. mom never tells me when i ask”

“dear mister jasper, mom had a party today and made me play a song for everyone. i wrote it myself and they all said it sounded nice. i will tell you a secret though: the lyrics are in italian i learned from the exchange student across the hall and they’re about telling my mom to sit on a cactus. among other things. it makes it easier to smile in front of everyone”

“dear mister jasper, you ran away from your home when you became a saint, right? how did you know where to go? or when to leave? were you afraid? did you pack a lot? the documentary i watched said you only had a dog, a gun and a hundred dollars. i don’t know if i think that is true but i have a stuffed cow, a pair of scissors, and fourteen dollars and seventy-three cents”

“i think i know where this is going and i don’t like it one bit, kid. wish you would put a return address that didn’t come out to some random fast food joint for once...” he mutters into his drink

sure enough, the next postcard comes, “dear mister jasper, i am leaving today to find a new family. i hope yours makes you happy”

he gives a grim sigh and sets it with the others. the next day the gas station newspaper stand shouts to anyone who will look down that bethany amell has been reported missing. ice crystals grow along his ribs and the small part of him that still believes in higher powers prays for more cards to come. it’s a full three weeks before he shuffles through his daily mail to find a familiar looping scrawl,

"dear mister jasper, i wonder if you got scared when new strangers cared more than old family. did you feel guilty, too?"

another several cards come through over time, narrating in brief a journey across half the country that- to his dismay- mirror the one he’d taken himself almost five years earlier. the kid moves in a wide arc around stilwater, though, wandering aimlessly and getting wrapped up in more obscure gangs

at length, ‘the kid’ starts to confirm their identity

"dear mister jasper hawke, she said i abandoned her on tv today. didn't expect that to feel like i got shot again"

he vaguely remembers hearing something like that, possibly from leandra- one of the other saints had an interview on the tv in the other room while he was trying and failing to take a nap. maybe it was her, maybe it was some other woman. either way, he thinks, if he ever meets this kid in person he’s taking custody on the spot

"dear mister jasper hawke, she always told me not to cry about my problems if it doesn't change anything. is it dumb that i keep writing these? i know she's right, but there's no one else to tell"

"dear mister jasper hawke, it's my birthday today. saw on the tv that she has a dog now. she takes it everywhere. i hope it gets taken away"

he distinctly remembers flipping through a checkout-line magazine and passing over a picture of leandra with a purse dog. one of the hairless glorified rats with a toupee of wispy white fur, sticking its head out from under her arm and staring directly into the camera with soulless beady eyes

with every new hint that drops, he doubles down on efforts to pinning down just where bethany is and who she’s running with. it takes months- she’s clever enough to stay out of the spotlight, smarter than he’d been. she wouldn’t be going and getting herself put on a bomb-rigged yacht anytime soon. eventually, though, a heist goes sour, her so-called new family leaves her to take the fall, and she lands herself squarely in the county jail

never one to pass up an opportunity, he pens a letter of his own, one that’s been building up in the back of his mind for almost three years

nothing fancy, there’s no earth-shattering revelations like ‘hey i think you’re my long-lost baby sister’ or ‘you had two dads and two older siblings and a twin and your asshole mother took you away from all of them because she was a selfish bitch’ or ‘if you’ve ever had an inexplicable craving for apple pie on your birthday it’s because our family has always celebrated with pie instead of cake’. just a constructed persona letting her know that she has someone watching out for her. that she’s not nearly as alone as she feels.

it’s a good month before the next postcard arrives. “dear mister jasper, i think i got punk’d by jehova’s witnesses. also state-funded cafeterias are terrible. i’m pretty sure you already knew that though”

he pins that one to the wall after a good laugh and immediately sits down to fire back, “dear miss bethany, i’m not religious. try again”

"dear mister jasper, i am impressed and mildly concerned. did stilwater have a slow week, or did you hire a private detective to read your fan mail"

"dear miss bethany, you’d be surprised how much free time there is at my job. got a lot of underlings, now, who i can just delegate to. besides, detectives charge too much and take too long to do their work"

they trade postcards back and forth for a short bit before a lengthy silence follows his last response. eventually she turns up again, in a new city, flying new colors.

"dear mister jasper, a girl kissed me today. when she asked me if it was okay, i panicked and left without a word"

"dear miss bethany, it happens. i did the same thing. she'll probably be okay with if it you explain to her, or you can leave it and move on. both work" this one he sends in an envelope, with $50 and an extra note- "i know staying on your feet on your own is hard. if you feel like it, come find me someday"

she doesn’t, although they keep talking anyways. it’s another two years before the subject comes up again, this time from bethany, in a scrawled card that reads only,

“think i’ll take you up on that offer soon”

[quieteating]

New Post has been published on Quieteating

New Post has been published on https://is.gd/R1WhlW

Da Terra

When people preface words with “da”, I cannot but help think back to my high school days where everyone would try to be a little “gangsta”. 

  In such times, the word would seem to make things that much more hip.  Strutting around school, prefacing many random things with such language, would get me looks.  Then again, I’ve gotten used to quizzical glances.  Reminds me of that day when I went skiing round for the day dressed up in a Pikachu onesie but let’s talk about more interesting things, such as these rather fascinating amuse bouches.

Chicken feet with chicken liver parfait.  A particularly delicate dish, it seemed that the chicken feet had been carefully deboned without disturbing their structural integrity.  Although I have eaten these before in the Chinese style, which is not for polite company as it requires spitting out of the bones, I did not take a particular fancy to those presented in the traditional style.  These however were a different story.  Crispy, spicy and rather winningly presented (so not requiring any tongue dexterity), my only regret was that they were gone so quickly.  

Cod cheek croquettes.  Another item of particular skill, carefully battered and dusted, these were delectable balls.  When thinking of such items, I used to dream of the examples in Barcelona.  Those were worth rowing your boat for but it seems that there is something of similar quality just where you can get to without traversing the dark wide channel.  Depth of flavour, carefully bread crumbed sea food exemplar, good thing that these were not on the menu.  Otherwise I would have ordered far too many.

Cheese, tomato, speck and tomato water.  Unfortunately half eaten before a photo was taken.  The tomato was an example of how good  this dish could be.  In the way that only the best tomatoes prepared lovingly can be, it almost seemed like meat.  With the speck included to give a comparison, I can confirm that tomato can indeed become indistinguishable from its carnivorous counterpart.

Sourdough bread.  The prettiest bread I had seen in recent memory.  

Bone marrow.  To slather on your bread.

Sea salt and peppercorn butter.  To provide something a little more usual for topping the bread.  With the bone marrow, the butter or even by itself, this bread was superb.  Crunchy outer skin hiding succulent bouncy interior, set off with your choice of topping, this deserved its placing as a separate course in itself.  

Cod with butter, garlic and smoked eel seaweed dusting and chicken skin crumble.  Here was where the rest of the cod ended up.  The lightly cooked cod, the eel and sauce were good but it was the chicken skin crumble which showed someone was paying attention to my inner child.  In days long gone (and also when I am in a juvenile mood), I would love to eat chicken skin on its own.  Yet even in such a state I have standards as not just any chicken skin will do but only if it is fried and crunchy.  Unfortunately, that was to be a fleeting pleasure when eating the rest of the flesh.

  However, when I got a bit older and ended up in Japan, imagine my joy when I found that in yakitori joints, you can order chicken skin on a stick.  No need to go through the rest of the less exciting chicken.  At that time I thought I had arrived in foodie heaven.  When I left Japan, I thought I was saying goodbye to that treat.  Yet here in London, I again saw a glimpse of what the poultry promised land was like.  Excellent.

Cod skin.  Not to be outdone by the chicken, the cod also had to make an appearance.  Bubbly and lightly dusted, this was good but not as great as its pecking brethren.  

  Cod roe.  A final part of the fish, this was what the skin was to be dipped in.  This buttery emulsion provided great counterpart to the crunchiness of the skin with contrasting hard and soft, creamy and harsh notes.  Great.

Pork belly with garlic and vegetables.  This little specimen of pork was rather dressed up for its own party.  It was meltingly soft and almost made me want to rush down to the farm to take a bite out of a pig myself.  

Corn flour and banana.  A very interesting accompaniment to the pork, a sweet and light carbohydrate base to soak up the pork juices.  Gone too quickly.

Lettuce with herbs.  On the other side of the corn flour, were these careful wrapped vegetable dumplings to delude me into thinking that I was getting my five a day.  I wasn’t but this was a show of how quality can overcome quantity with clean (and picturesque) images and tastes combining for something good.

Sorrel ice cream with balsamic vinegar.  Here again, an item of particular beauty.  It almost seemed as though the ice cream had been coated with some type of flour to keep it at the right temperature.  The brittle and the berries were good but the balsamic vinegar was inspired.  The sharp taste of the vinegar cut through the sorrel and berries to create one of the best ice cream desserts I have ever had.

Latte.  In a very pretty cup, this was decent.  Then again, if the coffee was up to the high standards of the rest of the food there might be trouble as the dining room was already crowded enough as it is.  Things would only become more awkward if coffee also became a draw.

Donut with creme de leche.  This donut puts Krispy Kreme in its place.  This is what a donut should be like, not intense sugar overwhelming tastes of everything else but the filling or topping complementing the dough base.  These were good.

Bergamot on lemon tart.  With a little tang to send you on your way, a parting handshake.

As much as I disagree with some choices of the tire man (i.e. Michelin man), I have to agree with the latest addition of this place.  To use their language, a one star is “a very good restaurant in its category”.  To use the language of the restaurant, this place is “da bomb”.

  A quiet eating 9/10.

Lunch (5 courses) was GBP60 excluding drinks and service.

  Da Terra

8 Patriot Square, London E2 9NF

[pinelife3]

Montezuma 2EEE

This is MF DOOM on the Jake One track 'Get 'Er Done':

Make no mistake son, it's Jake One, he makes beats well like I likes my steaks done with sauteed onions and hella worcestershire, a gush of beer to wash it down.

First of all, whew that internal rhyme! Worcestershire//gush of beer. Yes! I feel like only MF DOOM can do this shit. I read a really interesting write up on MF DOOM from Ta-Nehisi Coates recently. Coates seems like the nicest guy ever - he's so smart but also completely unpretentious. He writes for Marvel and The New Yorker and seems to easily move between those worlds. (I was in a comic book shop today and feeling kind of out of place but the bald, bearded goth guy behind the counter was super nice, and declared the book I put on the counter an “awesome read” and then he recommended some other stuff to me as well. This is a wildly irrelevant anecdote - was just thinking about comics.) Anyway, Coates talks about DOOM, but also his own experience as a hip hop fan:

I kept the assembled works of Wu-Tang Clan on repeat and stewed, convinced that somewhere around 1998 hip-hop had run out of things to say. I was not alone. Disaffected music fans began to refer to the halcyon days of the eighties and nineties—when every rapper had a d.j., and label owners didn’t vamp in videos, confusing themselves with artists—as “the Golden Era.”

We were the kind of fundamentalists that haunt every genre of popular music. By the end of the nineties, we had started seeking a sound that offered something other than guns, girls, and drugs. Some of us found neo-soul. Others got lost in our parents’ jazz records. And still others were radicalized and turned to U2 and Björk.

Not to be picky, but I feel like Wu-Tang talks about guns, girls and drugs plenty. But they also talk about the Shaolin, martial arts and poverty and I guess that's the difference. Anyway, I never knew why DOOM wore the mask, but he says:

I wanted to get onstage and orate, without people thinking about the normal things people think about. Like girls being like, ‘Oh, he’s sexy,’ or ‘I don’t want him, he’s ugly,’ and then other dudes sizing you up. A visual always brings a first impression. But if there’s going to be a first impression I might as well use it to control the story. So why not do something like throw a mask on?

Huh. This other musician I like, Brock Berrigan (he makes really nice beats -you should check him out), always wears a chicken head mask - possibly for reasons similar to DOOM's. For me, that reasoning doesn't check out though, because aren't people obsessed with unmasking? I guess if nothing else it creates an iconic image around your act without that having to literally be your face the way it is with most other artists. ANYWAY, I guess lyrics don't need to be technically amazing like DOOM's to be entertaining - this dude Open Mike Eagle has some good lines. From his track "Ziggy Starfish (Anxiety Raps)":

I log into my Twitter page And start bending over like Gollum This dumb cred is like crack rock And I never seem to hit bottom

Sweet Gollum reference - I had to look this one up. The "bending over" kind of threw me: I thought he was maybe saying something about hoes on social media but then why would he be bending over? Then I thought maybe he was saying he was gay and hoeing on social media himself but it still seems weird to invoke Gollum in that context, right? I like Gollum as much as the next person (i.e. a lot), but I would not be super keen to draw comparisons between his appearance and my own (although we do share the same sickly pallor and blue eyes - plus, I too have spent many years living in a cave). According to Rap Genius (and the line's context - I am truly an idiot for not getting it sooner. Maybe I just wanted it to be something sexual to do with Gollum) he's just saying that he's addicted to Twitter and the praise/attention it affords him, similar to how Gollum is addicted to the ring (and crouching).

From age 18 - 21 I was super into Fleet Foxes (I think they hold up. They're pretty irresistible, right?). They have this song "Montezuma" which finishes like this:

Oh man what I used to be Montezuma to Tripoli Oh man oh my oh me

I guess I'm an idiot because when he sings "Montezuma to Tripoli" I always heard "Montezuma 2 Triple E" and imagined it stylised like this: Montezuma 2EEE. Tripoli obviously makes more sense but it never even occurred to me that he was saying that. I thought he was referring to something mysterious and abstract. (Writing it out like EEE makes it look like a bra cup size. I don't know if they do triple cup sizes (they do!). Even doubles make no sense to me. Okay, so I've quickly Googled it. If you're curious: it turns out that a double or triple letter cup size indicates that the boob being cupped sits somewhere between two cup sizes - so a DDD breast is bigger than a DD breast which is bigger than a D breast, and all of them are smaller than E. That's what this website says anyway. But this whole framework really falls down with the AA cup, because a AA is smaller than an A. It should at least be consistent. I've been wearing bras for years (big shot coming through) and am only now learning about all of this. To be honest, I am incredibly guesstimate-y with my bra shopping: band size is pretty consistent but cup size swings wildly across the alphabet. Should probably get fitted but I feel awkward being fondled by a shop assistant. Plus, it's not like I walk into a bra shop and immediately think that the shop attendants have great breasts - why should I take their advice?) 

Montezuma 2EEE: I imagined some weird website which was techy and totally opaque to me, but also somehow involved Aztec emperors. I kind of want to make a weird, pointless website ("isn't that what this blog is, Kath?") because I have pinelife.net and nothing is happening there - I post all my Pinelife blog posts there too (which I know is a real waste of effort - my time is worth nothing so I don't mind wasting that) but I kind of prefer Wordpress' text editor to Tumblr's so it has that advantage. I found this really weird website (please please check it out) a while ago via the House of Leaves subreddit and found it so intriguing and exciting. I don't know why, but I had this insane rush of adrenaline while I was exploring the website. It was cool. Maybe I should make a weird, labyrinthine, pointless website of my own: it'll have shitty navigation, the font and background will be the same colour, possibly other things will be wrong with it too. It'd be something to do anyway. Maybe instead of making a book object I could make a website object - is that a thing? This might be a good way to waste some (more) of my time anyway. I do kind of want to make something. I’ve been bored with blogging for a while. Or, I don’t know - I enjoy doing it and looking back on my old posts (out of the vault: remember this one about cynicism and church? I was so proud of that. Weirdly, my favourite post from last year is this stupid one about pizza which was really low effort) but I don’t know if there’s anything I’ve written in the last year that I’m that proud of. The year went really fast and I feel like I’ve change a bit (or maybe a lot, I’m not sure). 

Montezuma2eee.com is available. Hmmm. I already have pinelife.net. Is it greedy to want another domain? I doubt Montezuma2eee is going anywhere (but I’d feel like quite the fool if someone did take it from me - I can’t really be the first to think it’s 2EEE - it literally sounds exactly like it). Anyway, I should play around on pinelife.net for a bit before making the $0.99 commitment to a new domain. 

Urgh. I’m an idiot. I nuked pinelife.net and all of the images I’ve uploaded to Wordpress there are gone and I’m lazy and never bothered to upload them to stupid tumblr, I just copied them and now they’re gone. I hate myself. Why didn’t I think for like half a second before deleting everything? Plus, there must be a better way to delete Wordpress beyond FTPing in and trawling through all my folders and deleting anything with a wp prefix. What happens if I just delete everything, like all the folders, and just start from scratch? I’ve forgotten how all this works. (This blog post is a real, rambling steam of consciousness. If I had any editorial credibility I would not publish this thing.)

Hey, talking about me trying to be creative: I was just hunting around my writing folder (basically untouched since 2015) and found this monstrosity I made to mourn the demise of Google Reader (wtf is/was wrong with me?). Jesus I have no memory of making this. Troublingly, I feel very pleased with this thing and its weirdness (obviously if I was genuinely embarrassed I wouldn’t share it here). This would have been 2013.

Also, I won’t post this, but I found an old poem I wrote (lame) in 2012 for uni which is all bullet points and features the word “pre-cum” in the first line. 22 year old me: why?

More? This is the start to a novel I was writing when I was 22/23:

Sirens by the swamp. The river doesn’t move in the summer heat: green carpet of scum across the surface. Two police cruisers are parked on the grass, another blocks the footpath. An officer unfurls yellow tape.

In a local 7/11 the Slurpee machine releases its hold on life and a stickiness of Cola flavoured low calorie slush spills forth. Potato salad is left to putrefy at a hundred backyard barbeques. In a thousand shitty sedans the steering wheel is too hot to hold. In a million armpits sweat prickles through dark hair to find cool air.

The body is partially submerged in the swamp. Obscured by slime and dark water, her hair is tangled in water grass, an eel nuzzles her cheek. From the waist down she is naked, seething with ants and flies. There is a tattoo of a dragon on her hip. If there was a lot of blood it’s now vanished into the mud. Someone has performed a riverside hysterectomy: it was not tidily done.

Sirens by the swamp. Five girls stand in the shade under the bridge: jutting hips, bare feet, iPhones, string bikinis, denim shorts. One pops gum as a police officer asks her preliminary questions. Another discretely photographs the crime scene with her phone. Their families are not expecting them for lunch. It’s Werribee and it’s Christmas day.

****

ppl made a new word for wh@ happened. they said th@ she had been uncunted. 2 b fair it was pretty bad nd even sum of tha sirens said they thought a line had been crossd. dead girl wasn’t even from werribee. actually th@s probably why she was dumb enough 2 go down by tha river

the thing th@ made me haha was th@ channel 10 made such a big deal about her being found by tha sirens b/c theyre young girls and tha news ppl tried to make out like its not a safe town 4 girls nd like girls shouldnt go out alone nd they tried to use tha sirens as an eg of young women in peril. but it was like oh man have u got it wrong. those river girls are bad

honestly werribee is fine so long as ur not fool enouf 2 go down by tha river. th@ is the ao for sirens nd eeeeevery1 nos not to go their less they want they dick sucked nd there future ruined. haha 4 real the news crews + police r lucky they didnt get uncunted 2