#i am fucking bawling my eyes out wtf

[fruiteful]

last friday i was getting eaten down to the marrow and eating his body up and down and now tonight is friday and i am in bed grieving my dead dog and haven’t heard his voice since monday…. life is wild huh loool

[lveclouds]

i am going through a major book hangover rn 

[agentmmayy]

january & february rotation

i mostly listened to songs i’ve had on repeat last year these past few months, but here are some new ones i enjoyed!

love u already - fleurie: i haven’t met you yet but i love you already!!!!!!!! dreamy and wistful and so hopeful i love it 

one i wanna be with - trella: oh bop!!!!!!!!!!! this ENTIRE SONG just makes me so happy!!!!!!! it’s so full of love!!! every lyric hits but especially i can’t help but wish we met before we did

i know what love is - honeybee: this song is so mellow and sweet i adore it. i’m always a sucker for love songs like this. it jumped me right from the lyric you gave me your heart like you had it to spare. also i am obsessed with how this song mirrors the classic i wanna know what love is

i walked a mile in my room - miki ratsula: when i tell you i still haven’t recovered from this!!!! will you take me as i am will you love me still tomorrow? this song has me by the throat. still not even fully processed the TITLE jesus. 

california - lisa mitchell: this song is on a playlist @152glasslippers made me and it’s been stuck in my head for the past 2 months. obsessed with how in this song california isn’t just a place it’s a state of being and of mind. california is just a placeholder!!!! a name put to something unnamable so it can become tangible!!!!! the lyric that hit me the most was shadow weighs a ton bc wtf. it’s longing and hopeful and also at the same time foreboding? 

petals on the moon - wasia project: they had me at moon what can i say. it has such an infectious beat i want to skip along to it. this song makes me think of walking down a busy sidewalk during a cool windy day and people-watching and reflecting the entire journey until getting home. it’s whimsical. hand down favorite part is i feel like i can’t help but always feel so blue but in the end i know i must keep pulling through. it’s the epitome of i can’t go on, i’ll go on!!!

let go - stories, amelia mclean: this song is so gorgeous and gentle not only with the lulling chords but also the vocals and the continuous build up and release. 100% have cried to this a few times in the last month. it’s accepting and comforting and encouraging 

empty vessels - lilli furfaro: THE LYRICS IN THIS SONG ARE INSANE!!!!!!! i literally cannot wrap my head around it. it’s just so good. the entire concept of being empty and being filled up with love again and again only to pour it out again and again and repeat the cycle?????? not having a purpose or being used until that love comes along???? at least it means i’m useful now and then??? i was made to pout out all my insides??? i‘ve been sitting in your highest cupboard???? i was built to hold the weight of safety??? MY BELLY FILLED WITH RICH ANNOINTING OILS???? YOU SNAP ME BY THE NECK TO BREAK THE SEAL????? I AM CRAWLING ON THE CEILING!!!!! CHEWING ON DRYWALL!!!!! WAILING AND SCREAMING AND SHAKING!!!! this is another one of those crazy, destructive love songs that i eat up every time 

always & forever - lilly kershaw: the natural follow up to empty vessels. each lyric blew my mf mind but especially you said you’re gonna love me full and i said how could that be when i’ve never been whole and i’ve never been free. like????? 

antiques - holden laurence: god the desperation in this makes me want to claw my chest open and rip my heart out. the beat fucks in this jaunty rhythm that’s such a juxtaposition to the haunting lyrics and vocals. then the bridge?????? i promise to be strong i promise to believe in love that lingers on i’ll see you in my dreams. I’M CALLING THE POLICE. i have no ground to stand on for this opinion and not to blorbo this but i will. this is a tess/joel song. not only because of how apocalyptic this feels (which is a whole other discussion) but also meet me in the space between all the words unsaid when we could not speak meet me i’ll be waiting for you there. thanks for coming to my ted talk

the subway song - delacey: bawled my eyes out listening to this one for the first time whew babey! take me home i feel homesick i don’t know where i’m going too many faces but none i know and i’m alone. excuse me!!!!!

[golbrocklovely]

since i am going to see the jonas brothers in concert, i figured i would give you guys my reaction to 'the album' since it just dropped !

miracle

first listen thru, i had not a single clue what the ever loving fuck they were saying. like, at all. thank god for genius for the lyrics lol

joe's vocals are INSANE on this album. already, with just this song. i always thought nick's were better, but damn… joe is giving him a run for his money.

fun song. like the piano being the leading instrument. good song to vibe to.

montana sky

country jonas brothers? i would be into it.

this song is really fun. a different vibe than the previous one, but equally as vibey to listen to.

kinda reminds me of sister golden hair by america, just not as sad

would have loved a bridge but it's fine.

wings

this song came out before the album. i like it. i wouldn't say it's my favorite.

i think lyrically it's a bit too simple to be a song really. it's also extremely short. but i like the general idea of it.

i wish it was longer, more flushed out into a fuller song. or at least repeated for one more verse.

sail away

one of my immediate favorites first time i listened. the pre-chorus is so groovy. highkey a great song to dance to.

and as if it wasn't obvious, every song is about their wives. which is nice, but does make me feel perpetually lonely lol

americana

first listen thru, again, couldn't understand wtf they were saying. but i looked up the lyrics and… they're fine i guess.

there is a bit of a nostalgic feel to them. the imagery they give. feels like a summer song.

but a bit too idealistic for me, if that makes sense.

celebrate!

i was dancing to this song, so that let's you know how i feel about it.

one of the tops ones of the album for me.

genuinely love this song.

waffle house

i've seen a lot of ppl not like this song. i get why some might not. but that's not me lol

i vibe heavy with this song. one of the better ones off the album. makes sense why it was single.

highkey wish they would just curse tho lol

vacation eyes

i've always said this about the jonas brothers: they know how to write a romantic song.

and i think weirdly this song is the most romantic on the album. but a light-hearted romantic.

i need a man like the jonas brothers please and thank you :)

summer in the hamptons

…i hate this song sksksks

it's just, not good.

the music itself is fine. the lack of drums is a bit off-putting to me personally. but lyrically….. garbage. like borderline 'pizza girl' level.

summer baby

kinda hate that they have two songs back to back with 'summer' in the title. they could have easily called this song something else. not the point tho.

this is in the similar vibe of 'vacation eyes'. i like this one, and it's pure sweetness.

also the ending of nick and joe saying nonsense, it was adorable.

little bird

i bawled my eyes out :)

i miss my dad a lot.

walls

this song is amazing, and a great end to the album. the choir is a beauty touch to the song, makes the song so much more majestic.

i will say the only part i didn't like about this song was the almost-dubstep electronic breakdown that happens towards the end of the song.

but that's the only part i didn't like. the rest is top notch.

OVERALL

every song is too short. it's kinda weird how many of these songs are barely over 2 minutes. not that the jonas brothers ever wrote super long songs, but these feel incredibly short to me. i also think that whenever the jonas brothers work with someone new, they absorb them and their style. and here, it's a bit of a toss between being really fun to hear these funky, 70s-esque mixed synth songs and not as fun bc it ends up not sounding like them to me. you can tell jon bellion was on this album, and i barely know any of his music. i will say the one true downside, to me, of this album is the amount of autotune that is on the vocals. i understand it's not bc they suck at singing, it's an artistic choice. but i feel like some of the songs didn't need it, and kinda took the authenticity that the jonas brothers bring to their music away. their vocals are their shining star, i think, and covering that up with noticeable autotune flattens a lot of these songs. also, a lot of the songs end abruptly or just don't really have an ending that makes sense.

i have a feeling that this album will be more of a grower on me, bc as of right now i think it's fine but not my favorite. i said the same thing about pretty much every new album i've heard this year, and the jonas brothers' last album, happiness begins. i think the first half of this album is the best. and i kinda wished there was one more ballad on here.

i'm also gonna make a bit of a controversial take (possibly): i love that the jonas brothers love their wives and their daughters. that's great, and there is nothing wrong with writing about either of those two things. however, please write about something else. back in the day, the jonas brothers - on top of being fantastic at writing romantic songs - were also very good at breakup/heartache songs. i don't want them to experience hardships when it comes to their spouses or children, but you need to break up the "i-love-my-wife-and-kids" fest with other songs. a whole album like that is kinda boring, and this is somewhat proof of that. like, we get it… you love your wives. but please find something else to write about.

you can write about the past, you know lol

i feel like i was kinda negative about this album, but i do genuinely like it. i just wanted more, i think. or had a different idea in my head of what it would sound like. but i know i will grow to like this album, like i have with all of their albums. just some came more easily than others haha

RANKING OF THE SONGS

Celebrate!

Sail Away

Waffle House

Walls

Little Bird

Miracle

Montana Sky

Wings

Summer Baby

Vacation Eyes

Americana

Summer in the Hamptons

[jasontoddisbest]

[offers hugs] need to vent?

omfg yes

vent under cut

TW: mentions of SH and suicidal thoughts, dysphoria

idk why but sometimes i feel like I'm faking it

Like am i actually who i say i am

or am i victimizing myself

and in one of my earlier posts it talks about how i wish i had more trauma, but really that was just the need to show that i DO deserve sympathy or smth

but even then i have this lingering doubt

this little thing in the back of my mind saying

'Do you really need help?'

And ever since I took the RAADS-R test and got diagnosed w/ autism

(After i told a friend i got positive on the test, she legit said "a lot of people are a little autistic", like SHE LITERALLY TOLD ME TO TAKE IT AND I FUCKING GOT 140)

anyway IDK sometimes it feels like im just not myself

I used to be the gifted kid, the smart one, the one who could read 200 pages in a day

But now I can barely read a chapter and focus.

IDK wtf this is called but I hate it

And not to mention my mother

dear god have mercy

I was FINALLY starting to love my body, like actually love it.

I felt confident no matter the clothing or appearence

and then SHE came along

starts fucking commenting and not to mention

I was w/ my mom and dad, and we were talking, and as i turned around to leave the room, i hear her fucking say "Never in my dreams did i imagine that girl to get this fat"

And when I tell you TEARS sprung to my fucking eyes, like even my dad looked pissed, and he usually sides with her no matter what

like it took four years

FOUR FUCKING YEARS TO GET THOSE STUPID SH THOUGHTS OUT OF MY MIND, THE ONYL REASON I DDINT KILL MYSELF WAS BC OF MY FUCKING FRIENDS WHO ARE LITEARALLY THE REASON IM ALIVE TODAY

BUT THAT WASNT EVEN THE WORST PART TOO

I WAS PLANNING ON COMING OUT TO THEM FOR MY BIRTHDAY AS BISEXUAL

AND SHE STARTS FUCKING TALKING HOMOPHOBIC ABOUT THIS ONE COWORKER MY DAD HAS

LIEK MY HEART SHATTERED

IT LITERALLY STOPPED FOR A WHOLE ASS TWO SECONDS

I CANT WITH THIS HOUSE

I FUCKING HATE IT HERE AND I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD IF SHE EVEN TRIES TO CONTACT ME AFTER I LEAVE IM GONNA BLOW SOMETHING UP

OMFG AND DONT GET ME WITH HER STANDARDS

SHE WANTS A SMART KID

A SUCCESSFUL KID

WELL GUESS WHAT

I CAN BARELY GO THREE DAYS WITHOUT FEELING THE URGE TO BAWL MY FUCKING EYES OUT

Phew I needed to get that off of my chest

Anyway, I'm fine :]

...

Fuck even now I feel like im faking it, like im seeking attention, idfk what's going on but I do know i need a therapist fast.

Anyway tysm for sending in this ask I really needed it.

[glassartpeasants]

So y'all won't believe the day I've had today. So it started off with me not having to work today but then I get a text from my coworker asking me if I could come in an hour early. And me knowing that I didn't have to work today was wondering WTF why am I being asked to go to work today when I don't even work. And then my coworker sent me a screenshot of my boss saying to ask last or ask another co-worker's name to see if they'll take your shift. News flash I end up having to take the shift. I didn't want to take the shift because last night I work till 11 at night and tomorrow I have to work from 4 to 11 at night and I just want a day off you know just wanted one day off. So when I go to leave my house my dad parked in front of the garage and I asked him if he can move his car he said yes. Usually when my dad moved out of the way when he moves out of the way of the driveway he moves out of the driveway so I can get out and then he Parks his car in the garage when I'm gone. Today she did not do that. Instead he decides to actually start going into the garage now I'll let you know that I didn't see him. I looked at all my black spots did not see him so he must have either moved out of the way but I was looking for a second then showed up randomly or fucking don't know but I ended up hitting him. And next thing I know is I'm being screamed at there's a little bit of cussing I don't know who towards me or the car start seeing then what happened to the bumper of your car and schs and so I think it's in the garage and I'm trying to look him in the face and I see him I see I'm closing the gate will slamming it and then I seen him slamming the door shut while he's angrily stopping away. And on my way to work I was bawling my eyes out and calling my grandma about it. And I try to look normal when I got to work but I still ended up bawling my eyes out regardless and I don't want to go back home after work so I tried to ask my grandparents so I could spend the night at their place and they were like I saw the damage to your dad's car wasn't even that bad it was mostly the damage to your car and I sent some fruit pizza home with him and I'll think it be okay. Then ship continues to say you're always welcome to spend the night you know completely contradicting herself. So I don't want to go home and face my dad cuz he terrifies me that the same time like I want to go home so I can sleep in my own bed it's just a whole bunch of wtf. I'm tired i shouldn't have even been able to come to work today. It just fucking sucks.

[vivalabunbun]

Oh my fucking god you say you can’t hold back when writting and here I am reading your latest work in one sitting about to cry just after starting my day wtf please always keep writting hdksnfkamxkalqlsb the only reason I’m not bawling my eyes out rn is bc I’m reading not in private ;v;

In one sitting? Stay strong 🫡😭

When ideas pop into my head i just can’t stop 🥹

But take a breather it’s a bit heavy and I hope you have a good day! 💕

[vizthedatum]

I hate everything.

Hello everyone, I contacted Ruby Cooper, Jon's ex and someone who Jon has painted as an abuser (at least to me). I wanted to genuinely connect and to understand more - because I need to trust my own mind.

This is what I wrote:

"Hi Ruby,

You may know me peripherally. I have avoided speaking to you for a very long time. Before I say anything, you need to know that I have a PFA (protection from abuse) against Jon. We negotiated in court and it’s for one year from Dec 29 2022 - Dec 29 2023.We are also getting divorced. So I’m technically married to them.One of the clauses is: “Neither party shall contact the other party, either directly or indirectly, by telephone or other means, including through third parties”Please respect that. I am NOT asking you to contact Jon. Not even in the slightest. I have a lawyer, and I will be explicit about this with anyone who is even in remote contact with Jon.I’m reaching out… because I need to speak with you directly, if you so allow. I won’t do anything without your consent.I need to hear your side of the story if you can share.

I am heartbroken, and you might be one of the people who might know what I’m going through right now.

Let me know.I hope you’re well. I’m always happy to hear of your progress with life.

Sincerely,

Rose (I used to go by Pri/Pritika)"

--

This is what their reply was: "I'm literally standing next to Jon rn lmao, let's not talk"

"Tbh I don't know much about your situation but I do know enough have 3 things to say:

1. You DO NOT have a PFA. You filed for a PFA, got a TEMPORARY PFA which I know Allegheny County will give to literally anyone, which has already expired (and which was one of the most contradictory, hilarious legal documents I've ever read in my life). You got a civil no contact which Jon AGREED to.

2. As a victim of ACTUAL domestic violence, I feel you are making a huge mockery of real victims of abuse. Getting your feelings hurt is not abuse. If you were actually in any kind of danger, you would be running away instead of doing public callouts and whatever the hell else is you're doing. If I did this shit with my abusive ex, he literally would have killed me. Please have some perspective.

3. Even if you WERE abused, going around talking to random people you barely know, trying to ruin somebody's life when they clearly want nothing to do with you, is straight up petty and evil behavior.

And please know I would have said this about anyone regardless of my relationship to either of y'all."

And then I wrote:

"Ruby, thank you for your perspective. I agree with it being a civil no contact order, and you really don't know the context. I don't think we're going to see eye to eye. My feelings weren't just hurt. Jon abused me whether you believe it or not. I am writing about my experience because I need to be able to trust my own mind again. I reached out to you because Jon has painted a very specific image of you to me, and I needed to know if my experience had any patterns with yours. Thank you for your time. I am going to block you now."

I FUCKING HATE EVERYTHING AND NOW I AM BAWLING. --

I had to check my current "civil no contact order" to just make sure that it was still a fucking PFA.

"1) The Temporary PFA Order dated 12/15/2022 expires as of the date of this order and the above-captioned Protection from Abuse action is continued generally for a period not to exceed one (1) year."

which means... IT IS STILL A FUCKING PFA.

And besides we negotiated this because I told my lawyer I wanted to not press charges and also because I WANTED MY FUCKING STUFF BACK AND THIS IS HOW I NEGOTIATED THIS IN COURT. I HATE EVERYTHING. WTF.

Besides - did you know that despite Jon calling Ruby their abuser, they remained in contact with Ruby throughout our relationship? Sending them money, etc. Fuck this.

I DID NOT PRESS CHARGES BECAUSE I DO NOT WANT TO RUIN JON'S LIFE. I AM NOT TRYING TO RUIN JON'S LIFE. I AM TRYING TO EXPRESS WHAT HAPPENED TO ME.

[limerence-17]

midnights first review :

karma: IM AWAKE AGAIN, i love that muffled scratchy intro, “karma’s a relaxing thought” HAHAHA YES TAYLOR LETS GO, PANTIES??? HUH??? WHAT NOW?? THIS IS SUCH A BOP BYE!

lavender haze: ok this is A GOOD SONG WOW PERFECT START

snow on the beach: the build-up is top tier, “weird but fucking beautiful” why am i bawling my eyes out over that??, i feel like a twisted fucked girl listening to this

anti-hero: “midnights become my afternoons” WHAT A GOOD LINE, this is my new self motto, the BRIDGE IM A PUDDLE OF TEARS AND STRESS the everybody agrees and moans IM SHAKING TAYLOR WTF

maroon: sounds like what wine drunk feels like (specifically red wine duh) also the RANDOM MOANING TALKING AT THE END

question…? “another fucking situation” felt that in my BONES. i thoroughly enjoy this song like i don't have words. ok this song is so relatable im screaming

YOYOK: this sounds like a slow build up to realize you’ve only been the only person who ever been on your side, this sounds like a late night driving down the highway after a breakup “i starved by body and thought i’d be saved by a perfect kiss” im a mess an actual mess, the SLOW BUILD UP BRUH THIS SOUNDS LIKE AN ORGASM

mastermind: OKKKK 80S VIBES IN THE BEGINNING, OOOO THE PRE CHORUS SOMETHING IS HAPPENING TO ME, “and now you’re mine, it was all by design” yeah this is good, she’s crafty, this is the perfect outro hands down

midnight rain: the muffled intro hello OKKK “he was sunshine i was midnight” YES DARK TAYLOR LETS GO, i love the little falsettos in the chorus 10/10 “i never think of him except at midnights like this” OOF

labyrinth: oooo yeah i claim this one “i’ll be getting over you my whole life” DAMN GIRL, “everybody just expects me to bounce back” period taylor

vigilante shit: ok i’m turned on by what’s happening, “i don’t dress for women, i don’t dress for men” PERIOD LET’S GO 

bejeweled: eek the little nice in the chorus AWE TAYLOR, this is a little cutesy pop song cutie patootie taylor “shimmAHHH” 

sweet nothing: this is raw, i feel like taylor is really showing some deep parts of her in this and i’m so grateful for it, this reminds me of a little carousel toy that i had that played music as a kid

[traumaoverload]

the things you learn

Story time. Sorry not sorry!

So, 3 years ago on 9-14-19 I married, what I thought to be, my soulmate. fast forward to December of 2019, we bought our first home together! yay! so much joy. 2 weeks after we got moved in, he dumped me on snapchat and packed up and left while I was at work. I cannot express the pain I felt coming home to all his belongings gone. I didn't get a reason, I didn't get an I'm sorry. I didn't even get a face to face. Just "its over", "I don't love you anymore.", "People and things change" and my favorite, "I thought being married would bring my love back and it didn't". LIKE WTF??

He had been staying at his "friends" house. Ya know, the one I was never suppose to worry about? The one, that on year 2 of our relationship, he met and hung out with, and just didn't come home. Freaked me out, and thus, starting my insecurity issues with that "friend". He'd be gone days at a time, and come home to basically shower. And then back at it. We fought constantly. They had a falling out, and things between us went back to normal.

Then they rekindled in the beginning of 2019. I was less worried and decided well, we are engaged right? So that means he must love me. And we would all hang out and what not. No biggie. Boy was I wrong.

He had been at her house constantly again towards the end of our marriage and relationship. Not coming home. I would beg for him to just come home. And when he did, it was the coldest thing I have ever felt. He wouldn't touch me, would not kiss me. Wouldn't even sleep next to me. He just packed up and moved into her home with her parents.

I have never screamed of felt so much pain from one person in my entire life. I have never felt more betrayed by a person. Its not your enemies that will burn you, it's the people you love. it's been 2 and a half years since. And I am still healing from that pain. I am still trying to mend the pieces of my heart, and put my soul back together the way it should be.

Our relationship was toxic. And I knew it, but the love I had for him, and the fight to make it work was stronger than what I knew was the truth. I loved an imaginary person. A person that never even existed. Just a faker persona of a person that was nothing but dark and destructive. A person that finds humor and joy in preying on vulnerable people. Turning their worlds upside down. And leaving them broken and weak. Just to turn around and do it to the next person.

The "friend" was there at the house while he was breaking up with his wife over social media. I bawled my eyes out to her. Begged her to help. Confided in her. Only to be betrayed by yet another person I thought was on my side.

I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. Why I was no longer worth fighting for. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a peach to deal with either. But he knew this, and he knew the love I had for him ran deep. Deeper than anyone else's love could give him. And he drained me dry of it. He would cause fights and then turn the situation around and make it my fault that I reacted the way I did. He would ruin a perfectly good day, because his misery needed company. Fuck, if we went anywhere, you know he was not having a good time. He would sit a sulk and pout. And if he did enjoy himself, he was drunk.

No one deserves to go through any of that. And that's not even half the shit I went through. He is a grade A monster. And he will suffer the hand of karma.

[rampagingnoble]

Edit: ghoul boys you played us real bad....

ANYWAY WATCH WATCHER'S GHOST FILES *INCOHERENT SCREAMING*

[atlasshrugd]

THE GIFT IS THAT FUCKING EPISODE OF BUFFY

[heroin-antiheroine]

my fellow iv addicts/junkieeesss have i got some advice for u!! today i shot about 20% of a shot into an artery in my arm. every single time i have hit an artery before i have felt such intense pain....like an electric shock or a saw cutting my skin. i didnt understand how some ppl could push a whole shot into one with that pain. but today....there was no pain. & then i felt it travel down my arm. & then my hand swelled up to FuCK!!! i managed to get 2 of 4 rings off but i had to go to A&E for them to cut the other 2 off (rip....my pretty silver turquoise & lapis lazuli rings. gone but never forgotten) & my knuckles were turning purple. this all happened at 4pm & even now (at 9pm) my knuckles are still kinda swollen. luckily i’m pretty healthy, they felt a pulse & the swelling started to go down by itself & also luckily i live pretty close to a hospital & in a country with universal healthcare. but guys....please be SURE if ur gonna inject. that old “if it’s pink, stop & think” does not work for everyone. with me, artery blood is Bright red & runs in fast, straight up the side. vein blood is dark red, almost pink, & goes in slowly. do NOT rely on pain like i did!!!!! u may have no PAIN & still be in an artery!!! pls just be careful, if anything looks “different” then dont go in. if it had hurt i would’ve pulled out instantly like those other times & i would’ve been fine. i still AM fine, but it was a fuckin scary experience & i dont want any of u to go thru it.

[jikseud]

[17:26]

pairings: felix x gender neutral reader

wc: 2147

genre: fluff with a bit of angst if u squint hard.

warnings: mentions of cheating (?), y/n being an ass idk what else, pls lmk if there are things to include hehe

a/n: I don’t really write that often soooo...

“I don't get why characters in horror movies are this dumb,” I whispered to Felix as we were watching this horror movie that we randomly found on Netflix. I heard him chuckle softly at my statement.

“That just adds to the thrill and interest, I guess,” he replied. He kissed my temple before pulling me closer to him.

My phone suddenly rang on the first half of the movie. I quickly went to see who it was and my heartbeat immediately picked up its pace after seeing the caller ID being “My love💖”.

Okay, now we're starting...

I am turning into a such a nervous wreck right now. My hands are starting to shake and my heart is starting to beat so loud that I could basically hear it in my ears. I stood up, looking at Felix silently excusing myself. I walked a little towards our room's window -which is not too far from where he is- before picking up the call.

"Hello? Sorry, I'm with him right now. I'll call you later," I ‘said’ quietly to the 'person on the other line' before ‘hanging up’. I looked up at Felix to see his reaction and saw that he's looking at me so seriously I felt my knees buckle. I tried to smile at him but failed nonetheless.

“Who was that?” he asked. I opened my mouth to answer him but nothing came out as my throat went dry. He raised his eyebrows at me. I lowered my head.

Okay, here we go.

"I-," I tried to speak but I just couldn't find the words. I sighed before looking back up at him. "It's no one," I told him, still trying to calm myself. He then rolled his eyes at me.

“If you're going to fucking fool me like this, then do better. I'm not stupid, Y/N. I clearly saw the caller ID,” he replied harshly. “And "I'm with him"? Really Y/n? If you're going to do this to me, give a little respect at least.” he added and my legs shook at his tone.

“Then why'd you still ask if you knew already?” I talked back quietly, too weakly for my own liking. He snickered.

“Because I wanted you to explain yourself at least,” he said and I swallowed hard.

“What's there to explain, though. You've already seen it, it's all that there is,” I told him and he scoffed.

“You could've at least told me where I went wrong... where everything went wrong? Y/n, you can't do this and expect me to not ask you for any explanation, I'm not as stupid as you think I am," he paused a little before continuing, "On what aspect of this fucking relationship was I lacking, huh? Are you getting too bored with me that's why you did this? Am I not enough for you anymore that's why you decided to find another one? Am I not loving you enough for you do this to me huh, Y/n? I thought we were having something special? I thought you said I was and will always be the one for you? What happened, baby? When did everything change? When did things go wrong between us? What did they do to get you sway that easily?” he questioned, his voice shaking from hurt. I sighed, every word was like a stab in my chest. He looked at me, his eyes searching mine for some explanation… any reaction. When they didn't give him anything, he spoke once again.

“When did this start?” he asked. My breath hitched. 

Well now, it’s working. 

It took me a while to answer but I did when I saw that he was getting impatient. “Just today,” I answered, stifling my laugh. He looked at me confusedly and I looked back at him trying to hide my smile.

“What do you mean ‘just today’?” he asked again.

I can't take this anymore...

“It's a prank, you dumbo!” I told him as he sat there, his confusion clouding him even more. I sat back down beside him as I tried to hug him but I was shocked when he moved away from me. “Why?” I asked. He stared at me with such hatred now and I couldn't help but feel nervous once again with the look he's giving me.

“What do you mean ‘Why?’ Y/n?” he asked. “You talk as if I didn't just caught you cheating on me,” he said. I gasped.

“Baby, I told you, it was a prank,” I replied with hurt in my voice. He looked at me, still not trusting my words. “I'm serious, Lix. It's just a prank. Do you not trust me enough? Go on and check if you want. I could never do something like that to you, you know that,” I told him with shaking eyes as I handed him my phone. He gave me daggers while he took my phone in his hand. When he finally held my phone, I felt my hand start to shake a little harder as I retreat it back and I think he noticed it with the way he glared at me.

“If you're being honest then what are you so nervous for?” he asked me skeptically. My eyes shot up at him, looking at him with wide eyes.

“H-huh, who said something about being nervous, h-hah-ah. Pffft I'm not nervous, shut up,” I told him. He glared at me once again before going back to checking my phone. I saw him swipe from left to right, probably looking for something that would prove my innocence.

It took him a few minutes -because he practically opened every single app in it just to be sure- before finally getting to the last page where he saw the widget labeled "To the man I love the most.💖" that I had prepared for him. I looked at his face just to check his reaction and then I saw him looking at it confusedly. He stared at it for a solid five seconds while his thumb was hovering over it.

The widget looked like it was excitedly shaking from my point of view, just waiting to be finally pressed and when the thumb above finally clicked on it, that's when all hell broke loose.

My mind had gone crazy by the time he started reading it. Tons of thoughts clouding my head and spilling continuously out of it like a water inside a broken dam, just like how every feeling I had has been spilling on Felix at the moment...

The widget leads to my notes app wherein a letter is written in a pink background. A color I know he really loves.

“To my baby,

Hello, my love! It's weird talking to you like this because I wasn't really fond of letters and all these sweet things but for you, I'm alright being cheesy and all that. First of all, I'm so sorry if I ever hurt you in the process of this thing... whatever this is... whatever it is that I did before you finally get to read this poorly written letter of mine which contains everything that I wanted to say to you but couldn't because I'm too shy hngg *insert cute face right here*. Anyways, I hope that you finally believe me that what happened before this was all a prank (the proof is literally beside this widget which is the Fake Call app, so don't fuck with me). Felix Lee, aka my sunshine, my happiness, my everything... I wanted to thank you for being the best man ever for me. Thank you for making me happy everyday, for taking care of me and or loving me every single moment that you have. You are seriously the best guy I have ever met (next to Harry Styles, of course... kidding) and I love you for that. I am so thankful that the Gods have given you to me (yes, bitch I own you... lol kidding again... but I'm not sure if this'll still be a joke after this though) and I am so thankful that you decided to stay with me even though I'm just... me. Felix, I don't know what else to say but just know that I love you and every single thing about you. I love how you scrunch your nose up whenever I make an awful joke but still try to laugh just to satisfy me (you're evil btw). I love how you cook for me when I don't wanna just because I'm too lazy (yes chef, go off!!!). I love how your eyes lights up when you're talking about something you love and something that you reaaally love doing (a.k.a ME). I love how your hair looks in the morning and even when you always say that you hate it, you still look so beautiful nonetheless. I love your freckles as well because it feels like I am looking at a sky full of stars and you're the sun wtf does that makes sense though? There are many things that I would like to say to you but I don't know how so... Anyways, what I'm trying to say here is that, you are so amazing that I don't know how to put your amazingness into words and that I appreciate everything that you are. I love you, Felix and thank you for making me the happiest person in the world. But do you mind making me happier by marrying me?”

By the time he was finished reading my shitass letter, he was shedding tears with a smile on his face. Weird combination, I know. But it is so unfairly unfair how he still looks beautiful looking like this.

He stared up at me with tears still flowing out of his eyes as I slowly took the ring off from my own finger.

“I don't know what else to say to you, to be honest. I am so bad with words and you know that. I love you, though. I could go on telling you this everyday just to show you how much but I'm afraid I'd have to go on forever so will you finally answer my question and marry me? I promise I'd try and learn how to cook so you won't have to anymore… oh and I will try not to complain as much when you leave too much mess in the house,” I tried to joke just to lighten up the mood but I was confused when he started bawling out. I felt my eyes burn from tears as well and I let a few escape from them. "Why are you crying, stupid?" I asked wiping his tears off. He glared at me before pulling me into a hug and crying loudly on my shoulders. “Baby, stop crying, please. I don't know what's happening but I'm going to bawl out as well if you continue,” I told him. He sniffled before pulling away slightly.

"You... you bitch, I hate you so much for doing this to me," he said in between hiccups. "I hate you so much," he told me before bawling and hugging me again. I laugh at his cuteness even though I felt my hands shake once again. His possible answer finally clouding my mind.

I rubbed his back before kissing his neck lightly. "So are you gonna answer my question or what?" I asked him, getting a little impatient now because of nervousness. He pulled away from me.

"I hate you so much. I was supposed to be the one doing this and not you. I hate you," he said despite his eyes showing the exact opposite and still crying them out. "But just because we're here already, I have no choice but to say yes, I guess? Because I'd probably feel so bad if I rejected your goodass offer," He joked. I glared at him. "Kidding. I'd say yes anytime, you know that. I'd say yes a billion... trillion times," he told me and I smiled before putting the ring on his finger. He smiled so wide seeing the piece of jewelry on his finger before taking my face on his hand and kissing me hard.

"I love you so much, y/n," he told me after pulling away. I closed my eyes, feeling the moment. I leaned my face more to his touch.

"I love you more, baby. More than you could even imagine," I replied.

"Your prank is shit by the way," he stated after a while in silence as I hit him on the chest.

“Shut up, I still got you with my acting skills and you don't know how nervous I am while doing that thing when I didn’t have a solid plan,” I told him and he scoffed.

"Sucks for you then," he replied.

"Yeah? Well, sucks for you I'm not sucking you."

[gltwrites]

the day isym said: i'm gonna fuck shit y'all up

So this is how it ends. I guess I won't be able to let this go sooner, or not ever.

Following the lives of these incredible characters since 2014 had been an astonishing journey for me. And now, we reached the end of one of the most-loved mangas, Attack on Titan/Shingeki No Kyojin—probably the only masterpiece that will touch my heart like this in this lifetime.

What an awful timing it was that chapter 139 arrived at the time I was supposed to be celebrating with my mutuals on exoltwt lol. While, overall, I rate AoT as 11 out of 10, I can't eschew that the culmination has left me qualms and questions unresolved.

Let's start with Armin thanking Eren for his sacrifices for Paradis—which equates to thanking him for committing a global genocide (bro, wtf???). This did not sit right with me, but I'm taking into account that Armin could see there was no easy way out, and that he believes achieving peace requires sacrifices, notwithstanding his altruistic nature and efforts to not completely throw away his humanity.

And I'm also considering the fact that, with the reality Paradis had, bringing off peace without lives being taken was a wishful thinking.

His idealistic worldview clashed with Eren's, and he wasn't able to present a solid resolution 'til the windup. And yet, Armin was still willing to talk things out with his best friend so they could come up with a better plan, without further casualties.

Up until the very end, he wanted PEACE.

I think, this is what makes Armin admirable, contrary to what other readers paint him out to be—weak and useless. He's one of the strongest and skilled characters in AoT imo. He didn't need to be a Titan or an Ackerman. He's innately whip-smart and a natural tactician, making himself a consequential character despite his lacking combat skills.

Weighing up Armin's burdens and the mental load he carries, it hurts to be in his shoes, especially since he's the commander. He's torn between his friend's life and the rest of the world. He took the responsibility of the Rumbling aftermath to shoulder Mikasa's burden and let her live in peace.

And in the end, conflict dragged on, and he ended up with a large obligation to the people.

There were little appearances of Historia, which I initially found a bit absurd since she's among the important characters in the whole series. She didn't say anything, and her pregnancy was for what again? I was disappointed. Her bearing a child held no importance and was a random subplot.

Conversely, amid a slew of readers demanding her clarification on knowing Eren's plans from the get-go, her explanation on the matter would be unnecessary. It seemed to me she has done her part on how the story would play out. And if there was an epilogue or a succeeding set of panels, Historia might've made her comeback since her role as the queen is expected to hugely partake in peace propositions.

And over and above these, the final chapter seemed...rushed? I feel like some panels need to be fleshed out more, such as the whole of Founder Ymir's feelings towards that bitchass abuser Karl Fritz. I was appalled that the root of the sufferings that prolonged for two millennia was because of her martyrdom and servitude to the king and the royal family, which she described as love.

But in reality, without having to chew this over, Ymir didn't really know what true love is. She was a slave since birth, her family was massacred by Karl Fritz, and was impregnated thrice by this murderer who never gave a shit about her. She lived a wretched life, manipulated and abused, and died after jumping in front of the spear to protect the king.

Brought by fear of losing the power of the titan, he made her daughters eat Ymir's flesh and told then to bear many children. Sick fuck.

Then Ymir discovered Mikasa, who she deemed a mirror of her own. The difference, however, is that Mikasa's love for Eren isn't one-sided. And so her greatest desire to be freed from an abusive relationship was accomplished after discovering what real love is through EreMika.

Speaking of Eren, I can understand why plenty of readers condemned him. The guy, who masked himself as a peak tsundere, cold, temperamental bastard, exterminated almost the entire global population, and when asked by Armin his reason, he said he didn't know why, so from here we can assume he neither had a goal behind that warped undertaking nor did it for the greater good.

But Armin is smart, and Eren's silence was a tacit answer. The predicament seemed unsolvable, and wiping 80% of humanity is his last resort to hold off the rest of the world from attacking Paradis.

Taking also into account that he didn't mean to have his mother killed by Dina after rerouting her from Bertholdt. If he didn't, Bertholdt wouldn't end up as the Colossal Titan and Armin wouldn't have eaten him and died along the way.

Bear in mind that Eren believed Armin would save the world, but if he kicked the bucket—and had Eren, who was obviously enslaved by his destiny, altered anything in his memories—would unravel another reality unknown to Eren that could pose a bigger risk.

And the fact that he let the familiar fate dictate him meant opening a door to another door of possibilities of achieving world peace, with Armin taking the lead.

By making himself the bad guy in his story to make his friends be the heroes, the ending suggests that harmony would work out in the end.

In 139, Armin, Reiner, Pieck, Annie, Jean, and Connie were planning to make peace negotiations. And through this, there's a light at the end of the tunnel.

Levi finally bidding farewell to his comrades bawled my eyes out—this is probably the saddest shit ever AoT has ever done to me, next to Erwin's death. Levi is the last one existing among his original comrades, and it sent a pang to my heart when he did his final salute, wearing a faint smile while wrapped in bandages.

It was not indicated what he'd been doing post-Rumbling. The end of Titans' curse also put an end to the Ackerman bloodline's "awakened power" and above-average human strength, so he's probably a military consultant or mentor, given his amazing contribution as humanity's strongest warrior.

It was also shown he remained in the capital and is with now-grown Falco and Gabi, who both have shown their potential for a military career.

Meanwhile, unlike Levi, Mikasa chose to retire and live in her hometown. While others remark her ending as tragic (I'm guilty of this tbh), her former comrades were on their way to see her and visit Eren's grave next to the tree from their childhood, making her not entirely lonely. I wished she and Armin were in the same multiple frames of the latter panels of the final chapter as they both grieve losing Eren. But given Armin's new and bigger responsibilities for humanity, it's impossible.

EreMika may not be endgame, and I may be bound to perpetual frustration of them never getting the chance to wear their hearts on their sleeves, I am satisfied with the ending—imperfect but fitting. It's actually funny that my feelings got the best of me upon reading the last chapter, and cursed at the story for not ending in absolute peace and bliss, forgetting that AoT had always been a poignant, anxiety-induced, existentialist story, and hinted at a bittersweet finale from the start.

[butterfly--empress]

So About BnHA…

Man! I don’t participate much on here but it sure has been an interesting popcorn eating time, lurking through the good, the bad, and the annoying posts in the spoiler chapter tags. For this week’s chapter, especially!

Not gonna rant (I save those for close friends on discord) 

I do notice that lines within this crazy ass fandom have been drawn, tears have been shed and righteous fury has been felt. And no matter wtf Mister Horikoshi has in stored for chapter 320, it’s going to be a make or break chapter for a lot of folks. I did try my best to keep this post Bakugou neutral grounds. I don’t think I’ve bashed nor favored the character just fyi.

But the most inconspicuous opinions can be taken too serious these days…

The Silly:

For chapter 320 onwards, I am and have ALWAYS BEEN 100% Team: The Legend, The Myth, The Champ, Izuku ‘Feral!Rabbit-Cryptid!’ Midoriya! Win or Lose, I ride or die with Midoriya, hands down! ON GOD!

While everybody yelling into the tumblr void over whose gonna win or lose.

I’m sitting here thinking about two things: A) Has no one thought that maybe some of Class 1-A might side with Deku? *coughsUraraka/Iida/Todorokicoughs* *coughsmaybeevenMineta/Asui/Yaoyorozu???coughs* *coughs maybe even a surprise Shinsou/class1-b reveal even though class 1-b don’t know deku that well* B) Did everyone forget in all the excitement that uhh my boi has yet to unlock the 2nd OFA user’s quirk???

I mean, I’m not saying if it does come down to a bawl of drama and angst, that Izuku’s gonna win.

But I am saying, if it does come down to a bawl of drama and angst, that Izuku’s gonna win…I regret nothing with this bet! If my boi loses we just gonna take that L but…ya know…*shrugs*…Baby, beat their Bakugou’s collective asses.

The Serious:

Personally, I honest to god really love this shounen series with all my heart. It is the anime that reignited my love for shounen after my fatigued of constant disappointment with two old shounen favorites. 

Now, having said all that: I truly have not had a serious issue with the writing choices made by Horikoshi. Yes, I have my…gripes…(it’s complicated) but considering what I got compared to the stuff I’ve watched/read in the past, it’s definitely better to me. Having read/watched a lot of anime/manga and shounen, (I haven’t watched them ALL, srsly after my great disappointment and real life I sort of had an anime dry spell if you must know. Watched some stuff here and there when I could/in the mood but not as frequent as I’ve done like yrs ago), I’ve come to learn to just…begrudgingly accept/expect certain; I suppose you can say, writing choices or ‘tropes’ that I can just easily ignore them, roll my eyes when I see them, and still enjoy whatever I’m invested in at the time. 

The only real frustrations I have is with a certain character. Yes, I mean Bakugou. I have come to tolerate him, I have come to begrudgingly like him, especially after a second rewatch of the series, I could see and accept that in a very typical shounen way, Bakugou did change, though very little, and it’s subtle and undeniably frustrating how it’s happening but it’s there. However, I do question Horikoshi’s writing choices when it comes to him at times. I see the character development, I know it’s there but….*sighs*

Now I’m one of these people who do believe that the creator of this universe, actually knows wtf he’s doing with his own story (even if rabid/hormonal younger fans loudly disagree but YMMV). One thing I’ve noticed, for the most part, he doesn’t just write/draw things for the hell of it, even if a certain plot or a certain character’s development takes a snail’s pace to get to the point. The conclusion of building up to arcs do have a pay off. (And I 100% understand that for some people, moving at a snail’s pace just don’t cut it. Everything cannot please everybody all of the time and that is FINE!)

Katsuki Bakugou…I know the crumbs and very subtle ways he’s changed have to lead somewhere and to something huge. When Bakugou admits to All Might he bullied Midoriya when they were kids, I had an ‘ah ha!’ Moment. The fact that a very prideful guy like Bakugou was finally starting to admit just that much, (even though, we the audience knows it runs way deeper than he’s admitting here) even in his frustrating roundabout way I like to think this is progress, is very in-character and cannot just be for the hell of it. It has to be leading up to something else other than Bakugou jumping in to take that hit for Deku during the war arc. There is unresolved tension still between Bakugou and Midoriya that is not going to just go away because they will it to.

Which brings us to Chapters 318 and especially 319. It’s the perfect set up for all the dirty skeletons to come out of the closet that both Bakugou and Midoriya have been avoiding/trying to pretend doesn’t exists between them, because it’s been a long time coming. The honest to god truth? This is actually how I always thought this confrontation will go, with a showdown that forces Midoriya into a corner where all those repressed negative feelings he’s bottled up inside is bound to come out; Because I Honestly think Izuku would take what Bakugou’s done to him to his grave if he had it, his way. (Boy can be very frustratingly stubborn when he wants to be).

It’s just, after saying all this, I don’t hold my breath that Horikoshi will take it there…The opportunity is there, I want it to go there, it NEEDS to go there! In order for both characters to come out for the better. But will Mister Horikoshi ‘DO THE THING?’

Remains to be seen. A little bit of me is hopeful, another part of me is resigning myself to feeling dissatisfied with what little we got for Bakugou’s character development and by proxy, Izuku’s getting stuck in limbo. I’m not kidding, Bakugou being a very contentious character within this fandom doesn’t just come from nowhere. But this post isn’t about me ranting into the void about Bakugou. (I don’t even think I can muster up the rage I felt the first time watching MHA blindly to rant to high hell about the bullshit Bakugou’s done now.)

I suppose I will just have to internally scream for 1,000 yrs over half baked character development if Horikoshi doesn’t do the FUCKING THING in giving a satisfying pay off to Katsuki and Midoriya’s history. I’ll just frustratingly chalk it up to old freaking shounen logic and just continue to enjoy the series because I’ve been here for Izuku Midoriya since ep 1 and I am not about to let Bakugou or Horikoshi’s unwillingness to do something with him derail that. And there’s always hoping that someone is writing some really good Bakugou gets actual Consequences fanfic out there because ooh boy…I like Bakugou but mofo can catch these hands…and I’m not even a fighter, but Bakugou…this lil shit does make you want to choke the hell out of him at times. 

I haven’t been this emotionally frustrated over an anime character since…maybe fucking Louise from Zero no Tsukaima and it takes a LOT to make me actually dislike characters, good or bad. 

All in All: Regardless of how the story goes from here on out, we are all about to lose our collective shits. No matter how you feel about which characters…

It’s about to go down!