#i am ill and sad which is why i’m watching third life as i often do when i’m ill and sad but decided to shake it up a lil this time by
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i just started watching third life from scar’s pov and i. was not expecting to be jumpscared five minutes in by bdubs explaining what pog means to scar. wtf.
#i am ill and sad which is why i’m watching third life as i often do when i’m ill and sad but decided to shake it up a lil this time by#watching scar’s pov. maybe i will regret this decision.#idk i’ve only seen third life from grian and scott’s pov thus far. plus a bit of ren but i got busy and never finished that one.
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Gossip Guy podcast with Willem De Schryver
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yYjtRYOGS00
translated by @jackfrostsander @bruisingknees @lblogss @yousmina and me :)
-
E: I do have another present for you.
W: Oei oei oei, presents.
E: I do that every week. I give something to my guest of the week.
W: Oei oei oei. Do I slide it?
E: Here in the front is a flap that you have to fold upwards…
[Intro]
E: Wassup people, welcome to a new episode of the Gossip Guy podcast. My name is Ender Scholtens and today I’m here with Willem De Schryver. Everything ok?
W: Sure sure (In Dutch sure is used as a confirmation to a question).
E: Is this your first podcast?
W: Yes, this is my first podcast.
E: Stress?
W: No, it will be fine, right? Relaxed.
E: I don’t know… (laughing). For the people who don’t recognize you, from where could they know you?
W: Hmmm, probably from the youth series WTFOCK where, in the third season, I play the role of Sander.
E: And we are allowed to talk about it in this podcast.
W: Yeah I also heard that. Yes, it’s over.
E: Was it a difficult chapter of your life to close?
W: Yes, I still clearly remember the last moment… Like really the last last scene at the sea… That was an emotional moment because you went through a lot as a group, you did a lot together, and emotional scenes, intimate scenes. But yes, I think, if I speak for the whole group that it was a goodbye to the series but not a goodbye from each other. We still keep in contact. Mainly through WhatsApp.
E: Yeah, the end of the series was beautiful. I sat next to my girlfriend when it just came online. Because there were a few scenes that we hadn’t seen yet and we were just watching them… And we refreshed and the last episode was online… The last piece was online… So, I thought… I really cried… It caused quite some emotions.
W: For many people… Also under the cast and even the extras that were present for that last scene… Even among them. I can remember that they got emotional because it really was over over. I think that we, WTFOCK, have been able to impact a lot of young people in Belgium. So, it’s beautiful… We closed it beautifully…
E: I don’t doubt that. I really liked the end. What is your favorite memory from your whole WTFOCK experience?
W: Hoh, hmmm. Do I have to choose one? Difficult to choose one… I think that the most enjoyable moments… At the end of each series… Almost… We were at the sea or in the Ardennes, as a group, for a vacation. Away together. And those moments… Away with the whole cast and crew… Being away for a whole weekend. And in the evening, talking late into the night and that creates a special connection and I think that, in general, was the most enjoyable… Yes, it affects me… You share, as a young person, a common dream or something we want to realize as an actor to succeed and everyone who works so hard for that… That’s nice to see.
E: I recently talked to Veerle and I know that if she sees Nora, like somewhere, say at a party… Then they stay together for the whole evening… Do you have that? With who did you have the best connection throughout that whole experience?
W: Yes…
E: That doesn’t mean that the rest is not chill or so…
W: No the rest is all stupid… There’s only one person… I hate you all! (joking) No! Yes, hmmm, I think that I definitely have the best connection with Willem. Just because we have been through a lot… I always compare the WTFOCK crew a bit to my own friend group, aside from the cast. I mean, I know to whom I can go for what. I know I can go to some if I feel sad, to talk and I know who I can go to to have a laugh. And who I can go to to have a general chat. And everyone has their qualities or like their own aura around them… Where I love to hang around. So, it differs from person to person. So, it’s hard to choose one person but Willem then in the sense that, if you jump naked together in a swimming pool and if you have intimate scenes together… That creates a connection, of course. So, yes, if I have to choose one person…
E: Is there a barrier that you have to overcome to play such scenes? Because they are very intimate, indeed. And I, personally, couldn’t imagine… I can’t act… But, to empathize with a role… To play such scenes… Is that difficult for you?
W: Huh, yes, that’s a question I get often. I mean like… Yeah and you have to empathize with that character… But yes, you step into that project with a certain professionalism and you say “okay, we are going to create a story and bring it to the public with certain values and that we want to tell something and show something” …So, yes, you don’t really think about it. So, it’s not like I thought “Ooooo, I am kissing with a boy but I am interested in girls”. That was not a problem for me because it really is about telling the story and making that together and if the story requires that then you just completely go for it.
E: That’s cool. What are your future acting ambitions? You now have played in a series, is that something you want to do more in the future or do you like theatre more or movie or…
W: I find it difficult to choose between theatre and film, for example. After WTFOCK I played in Déjà Vu, which you can see on Streamz and later this year on Channel 4… And I study theatre at KASK. And I notice the difference, due to the recordings, I am really in the field and I am busy and I work, while at school I learn new things about theatre… So, in my opinion I have more experience in television work because I actually have done projects for that and I haven’t yet for theatre, which is still school and learning. So, I think it’s currently hard to choose but I think, maybe it’s a cliché answer, but the combination is maybe ideal, of course. But I am still exploring and I will see how it goes…
7:02
E: What is your favorite food?
W: My favorite food?
E: Yes.
W: Hmmmm, in the past I was really a basic guy… Like spaghetti bolognese or so… But now, generally after my exams, I go to a restaurant with my grandma. She always buys. That’s always amazing. I am a fan. And I always take steak tartare with fries. That remains a bit of a guilty pleasure.
E: How long, do you think, would it take you to eat five full plates of spaghetti bolognese?
W: Hoh, hmmm. The thing is, my stomach is rather small…
E: Small?
W: I think that I would have to schedule in… Okay, after a certain time I would have to throw up and then eating further…
E: You’re allowed to take a break. You’re allowed to say… Okay, I take a few days…
W: No, no, not that…
E: You’re going to do it in a day?
W: Look, two plates… Three if I really push…
E: You get preparation time so you know like a week before… So, you can like…
W: Train yourself?
E: Yes, train…
W: Hoh, alee say about four hours…
E: Four hours?! Five plates, he? Like five really big plates…
W: Yeah but yeah, four minutes… I am exaggerating… Let’s say a day… In a day five plates…
E: Ok, that should work. Then you basically have every meal… Breakfast… Lunch… Dinner… and in between… pasta…
W: Pasta as breakfast…
E: One day should definitely be feasible.
W: Yes, indeed.
8:49
E: What is, according to you, the reason you were placed on this planet?
W: Fuck (laughs).
E: Existential crisis, okay? Have you never thought about what the purpose of life is and what…
W: Yes, certainly… Hmmm, I'm someone who worries a lot. When I'm in bed in the evening I start to think about questions like that and then I think “what am I doing? Willem… where do I want to go to and…” Hmmm, why was I put on this planet? Hmmmm… (speechless followed by laughing). This is really bad… It’s like I don’t value myself…
E: Noooo, but I didn’t expect a deep philosophical answer. Well, if you had one… really good but…
W: Okay I’m going to think about my philosophical answer… but no. If you want… No! Yes, now I'm really going to sound philosophical but… (crosstalk) Everyone who is on earth has a certain reason to be here and everyone… I for example have that… I really feel that… I never liked going to school. Especially, in lower and high school. I… I actually, on purpose, put my fingers in my throat in the morning to throw up…
E: Wow, that’s heavy…
W: And then going downstairs to say “papa I’m ill, can I stay home?” I don’t know why but that whole system… Sitting behind a desk all day… And those classes… that was not for me. And then I discovered my passion for acting and discovered that it really suited me. And that’s the thing… A lot of people often ask me like “how did you start?” and “I also would like to do that and where do I start and I have been rejected does that mean I am not good enough?” but I think that sometimes you shouldn’t rush to find your passion. It can take longer then you would like it to take. I think that if you too intensively search for "what am I good at?" and “I have to find something that I am good at” and… For me that’s happened unexpectedly. I did take acting classes on Wednesday afternoons after school and I kind of got into it like that… I think it differs for everyone and that everyone has their own purpose here on earth.
E: And would you say your purpose is acting?
W: Yeah…
E: There isn’t a right answer but how does it feel for you at the moment? Is that the thing you love doing the most or do you see yourself doing for a long time?
W: The thing is… I’m a person who gets tired of things very quickly. I’ve had a lot of hobbies.
E: So maybe next week you want to garden or something?
W: No, no I wouldn’t say that. No the thing is, with acting that isn’t the case. Since I was twelve… well first on amateur level…
E: How old are you now?
W: 19.
E: Oh wow I thought you were my age. 19… damn bro you’re three years younger than me.
W: 2001 represent.
E: That’s literally… you’re the same age as my brother! What the shit. Alright, no okay.
W: In November so almost 2002. I’m really a latecomer.
E: What?! You look like you’re the same age as me and everything.
12:14
W: But that’s honestly – thank you for saying that! I always used to be the “little guy.” None of the girls wanted to be with me cause they just thought I was cute.
E: I see.
W: And they came to me to talk about their love lives.
E: Oh, okay.
W: So I was always that guy who was like: “I’m in love with you.” “Oh, how cute! You’re so cute!” So I was always like: “Okay then, I’m never going to find anyone, I’m always going to stay… short. I’ll be all alone.” And then all of a sudden I –
E: Do you think height matters in regard to your chances with certain… people?
W: At this age I don’t think it does anymore, but I do think that – I think at – I just remember in high school that the romantic idea of what love was supposed to look like was very: a boy and a girl, and the boy has to be taller and stronger and bigger than the girl. But I think that now it’s more… I mean, at my age I’m convinced it’s more fluid than that, and it doesn’t have to be that way. So it doesn’t have to be an issue anymore.
E: But still, when you go on Twitter, short guys are still –
W: Yeah.
E: Totally annihilated.
W: I have notice – I have noticed – Yeah, it’s still… It’s still this… general thing that people get stuck on. Like: “Oh, a short dude. That’s not okay.” Or whatever.
E: Or like the guy has to be taller. But no, we’re – we’re – not… not all relationships… we’re really generalizing here. But I get what you mean.
W: Yeah.
E: No, it’s – I do think it’s still important. I think that when you’re, and this is really harsh, but that a lot of people look at you differently when you’re taller. I have this dude in my friend group, Louis Ledegen, and he’s close to 2 meters tall, and just some girls look at him and they just think that’s so… attractive or whatever. And I just can’t even imagine.
W: I don’t get that either.
E: That that makes them go like: “Wow!”
W: I was in the train just now and this dude walked by me and he was honestly like 2 meters tall and I was just thinking: “When you’re that tall, and you’re with…” I mean, the girl almost has to get on a stepping stool to reach him for a kiss! And girls are like – I mean, I’ve heard before that girls think it’s attractive when a man is really tall.
E: Yeah.
W: And yeah, I don’t know… I don’t totally get it.
E: No.
W: Maybe it’s cause I’m not that tall myself, that I’m like trying to protect myself and be all: “That’s not necessary!”
E: Yeah! If anybody knows the answer, do we, being shorter guys, have less of a chance?
W: Let us know, please.
14:53
E: Please let us know! We need some answers! Now in the show, wtFOCK, your hair’s a different color.
W: Yeah.
E: Yeah. Is that something… So that was actually – it wasn’t really blonde?
W: It was completely bleached.
E: Bleached.
W: It was more to the… But the thing is that they had to do it twice, cause the first time… I got there, for the first table read with the director and Willem [Herbots] and they were like: “Hey, Willem. We wanted to ask you something. We’d like to bleach your hair for the role.”
E: Yeah.
W: And I was like: “… Okay.”
E: Okay.
W: “And why?” No. “Just for the character and stuff.” So I was like: “Okay. That’s fine.” The thing is I had to be at the hairdresser for 4 hours for this.
E: Oh wow, heavy.
W: It was like this and this product, and it had to sit for a long time. It had to be bleached all over. And I got out of there the first time and I was completely yellow – but yellow like an egg.
E: Oh, shit!
W: And I… My mom dropped me off, and I texted her: “I’m done, will you come get me?” And I saw my mom approach and she just passed me by.
E: Oh wow.
W: She didn’t – she almost didn’t recognize me anymore. Like halfway - she was like – and then she was like: “Oh! Willem!” Like she hadn’t seen –
E: Oh shit.
W: That it was me. That I looked completely different. And then I arrived for another table read and Tom [Goris – director] was like: “Yeah… We’re not gonna go this route… This is too yellow.” So then I spent another 4 hours at the hairdresser. After that I had to be there for four hours almost every month. I did think it was cool to have bleached hair, but… You have to be at the hairdresser for so long, so that really wasn’t… my thing. I mean, I had some really cool moments with Mitch [Fabry – hair & make up wtFOCK]. Thanks, Mitch.
E: Would you ever dye your hair again?
W: Uhm.
E: Maybe another color?
W: Yeah, I don’t think so. I’m quite happy with my hair color, actually, I don’t know.
E: Alright.
W: Now it’s also like… Everyone always asks me: “So this is your natural hair color?”
E: Yeah.
W: And then I have to tell them: “Yeah.” And it’s like: “Oh, okay!” It’s this switch. But no, I’m happy with my hair. It’s fine.
17:03
E: I can also tell that you’ve got an earring? You can’t really tell on camera, but –
W: I’ll come a little closer [to the camera]. Yeah, I only got it recently, four weeks or something.
E: Yeah. Was it an impulsive, drunken decision, or something you wanted… for some time?
W: I’ve wanted it for a long time, but I was a little anxious about it like: “It’s not gonna look good on me,” and then after a while, a couple of months ago, I was like: “Fuck it, I’m just gonna do it.” And if it didn’t look good I could still just take it out, so it doesn’t really matter. But all in all I was pretty happy with it. My father, my parents – my mom: “Oh, so nice!!” And it was like – at first they give you a stud and then after four weeks you can change it to a hoop. And I really wanted a hoop, and I even asked the people in the (piercing) shop: “Can’t I please just get a hoop straight away?” And they were like: “No, sorry, it doesn’t work like that. For hygiene reasons that’s not okay.”
E: Okay.
W: But okay, so I had to wait four weeks and then eventually I could change it to the golden hoop. So I get home and the first thing my father said was: “Wow, you look like a douchebag.” That was the first thing out of his mouth, that I looked like a douchebag.
E: Is that the look you were going for?
W: No, not at all! Not at all!
E: I think it looks cool.
W: Thanks.
E: Cause a little while ago I wanted one, and so I put on my girlfriend’s earring – because even if your ear isn’t pierced it sticks a little –
W: Yeah.
E: And so I just put it on there for a day or something, and then I was like: “Okay, that’s quite enough.” I don’t know if I’d want it for longer than that. Recently I’ve been getting into rings and stuff though.
W: I wore rings for a long time, but I don’t have any anymore. I actually want – I like them too. But I have to –
18:47
E: If I’d known, I would’ve brought you a gift!
W: Go shopping. Goddamn!
E: I did bring you another gift though!
W: Another gift? Oei oei oei, gifts!
E: This is something I do every week, I give my guest of the week something.
W: Oei oei oei.
E: It’s just…
W: Do I just slide it –
E: There’s a little hatch over here, that you have to lift, and then you can just lift it like that. There we go.
W: There we go.
E: White hairspray.
W: If I’d want to go back to – there we have it. Too good.
E: It can be washed out really easily as well. So this way you don’t have to be at the hairdresser for like four hours. And then when you’re sick of it, you can just get rid of it again!
W: That was the thing… Thank you, by the way.
E: You’re very welcome.
W: Now I can go back – Now I can go back to my past life. No, that was the thing as well. People who – people who - after wtFOCK came online, people really recognized me with the white hair. I mean, it’s pretty noticeable, when I’m walking through Ghent station – if someone with bleached hair. I mean, if you watch the show, I can imagine that when you see someone with bleached hair, you immediately connect the two and think: “Oh, that could be him.” And then you run in to some people who ask for pictures. After that my hair was really short, cause the people from Déja-Vu were like: “We’re not gonna do this, just go back to your natural hair color.” So I cut it all off, and there was this time where… nobody came to talk to me anymore. I was able to just be myself again. It was as if – looking back on it, it was actually really nice that for wtFOCK I was able to completely get into a different character with different hair. And the first time I got rid of the hair I really noticed that was no longer being associated with the character.
E: Hannah Montana vibes! Your hair changes color and nobody knows who you are anymore.
W: “Who are you?”
E: “Who the fuck are you?!”
W: “Does anybody want to take pictures with me? It’s me! It’s me! I swear!”
E: “I’m that dude from wtFOCK! I’m that dude from wtFOCK!”
W: So if people don’t recognize me anymore I can just… *pshhht* in the morning.
E: Exactly! If you want to take some more pictures, you can just…
W: No, no. That’s fine. No, yeah.
E: It’s kind of crazy, actually. Because, honestly? The very first time I saw a flash of you, with this hair color, I also thought: “I recognize you from somewhere…” But I think I’d already gotten in contact with you through social [media] and I didn’t put two and two together that you…
W: Yeah.
E: “Aaah!”
W: “Aaah! You’re that guy!”
E: Yeah, so…
W: But that’s the whole thing. If someone recognizes me, which doesn’t happen that often by the way, it’s always – I think it’s funny to be like: “No, that’s not me.”
E: No.
W: People really start doubting themselves, it’s very: “Uhm, can I ask you a question? Are you that guy from wtFock?” “Me? No.”
E: “No!”
W: “That’s not me.” And people will often be like: “Oh? What? But I recognize you…” That doubt on their faces is pretty funny but yeah, then I tell them it’s me.
E: Just the reaction of someone being like: “Huh, do I know you from somewhere?” “Do you watch porn?”
W: The confrontation.
E: “Oh… qmdkjg.” And it’d be even better if the parents were right there as well. “Argh!”
W: “Yes, Jürgen, care to explain yourself, young man?”
E: No, it’s just funny to joke about. But you’ve never – Do you just get: “Hey, are you that guy from wtFOCK?” Or have people also asked you: “Do I know you from somewhere?” Or: “What do I know you from?”
W: Yeah, it depends. The thing is – I go to school in Ghent and when the [popular place where college students go out] was still open before Covid-19, not that I went there often because I didn’t really like it there –
E: No.
W: - in the sense that the combination of young people who –
E: Watch wtFOCK.
W: - watch wtFOCK and alcohol – and people who’ve had alcohol to drink –
E: And are horny?
W: - their limits or boundaries are just gone. “Oh my god!!! You’re that dude from wtFOCK!! Can I kiss you??” Things like that!
E: Oh, fuck!
W: And I was really like: “Okay…?” I’m just a regular dude and I’m trying – and I actually thought it was less annoying for myself, but I thought it was more disruptive for my friends. Like even when we were just walking down the street, we got recognized a couple of times, and I was just like: I just want to have fun with my friends, and not have to spend too much time thinking. That’s another thing I was subconsciously thinking about. Imagine I drink way too much.
E: Yeah.
W: And I end up in the gutter somewhere, and people start filming that… So yeah, that made… So because of that I spent more time in friends’ dorm rooms just having dorm parties.
E: And since your bleached hair is gone, have you gone to a party?
W: When my bleached hair was gone corona was already a thing so I haven’t been able to enjoy it. But it’s starting to come back [the parties] so that’s nice. I’m looking forward to… tomorrow I’m going-
E: Are you going as well?
W: Are you going to Plein Air by Fuse?
E: Tomorrow I’m going to Jaimie Lee who-
W: …Is going to DJ at three festivals.
E: Yeah at three festivals and I will be backstage I guess.
W: Okay.
E: One of those festivals?
W: Yeah I don’t know. I have tickets for Fuse Open Air in Brussels.
24:19
E: I honestly have no idea where I’m going. Anyway, I’m excited. And I always asked, what’s the first event you went to ever since it’s allowed? Did you go to We Can Dance festival?
W: No I was studying.
E: Was today your last exam or yesterday?
W: Yesterday was my last exam in the morning. I was stressing so much, because I thought I would fail, but eventually I think it went relatively well. If you’re watching professors, let me pass please. No I think it went well.
E: Are you someone who is stress resistant?
W: Uhh no.
E: No?
W: I let it take over my body.
E: You get physically unwell?
W: I will be laying in bed and I’m tossing and turning and sweating. And I think about how I’m not gonna pass tomorrow. And the combination with my worries is really not good. It makes me stay up really late. The thing is with stress resistant, I for example made my own play at high school about a kid with divorced parents for my final work and the whole audience was filled with my family and my parents. That’s pretty confronting to tell a story that’s also a little bit of their life and is pretty personal. I’m always stressed for things like that. Then it’s weird – from the first word I spoke I had a lot of stress and worries and the first sentence that I said was something like “I don’t know what to do”, and then it’s all of a sudden poofff. The train has left.
E: You said you didn’t really know what to do now.
W: That’s the first sentence of the text that I wrote and the moment I said that sentence I thought in my head “the train has left, there’s no way back now” and then the stress disappears automatically. But before the final rehearsal there was a moment that I was moving around heavily and I was throwing with chairs. And afterwards I had to pack moving boxes, which was okay. But from moving around and the combination of stress it made me almost gag in the box from the stress so I almost puked. So at these moments it gets pretty heavy.
E: Did other people notice or were you hiding it?
W: Yeah the final rehearsal was luckily not with an audience, but my teachers were like “Everything alright?” and I was like “Yeah I’m good. It’s a bit much”. But when it comes to stress, a lot of people always say – I’m even a little stressed right now actually.
E: Really?
W: Podcasts, oh no no.
E: Oh shit. You have to be (stressed)
W: A lot of pressure on my shoulder here. No, but a lot of people say that it doesn’t look like that I’m stressed even though I really am dying from all the stress.
E: Only now you can hide it really well. You should become an actor.
W: A lot of people have said that to me often, but it’s not my interest. Also not much work in the field.
E: That too, fuck. Are you someone who constantly pretends like you’re okay?
W: Yes.
E: Even when you have a lot of shit going on in your head and you’re processing other things?
W: I'm one person. One person?
E: "I'm one person" [laughs]
W: I am one person. No, but I'm someone who often keeps their stuff to themselves, so that I can listen to what others need.
28:15
E: That was my next question. You listen more to other people’s problems and you’re the person people come to with their problems?
W: I think, at least I hope, that a lot of my friends do know that they can always come to me for a talk or a phone call. I'm someone that will shove away their happiness for someone else, which isn’t always positive of course.
E: It is a beautiful characteristic, but it shouldn’t take over indeed.
W: In the past it has happened that I was falling apart, but I kept pushing it away, because I wanted to take care of someone else. I noticed this a lot during the divorce of my parents. My parents had a hard time with the divorce and I remember that I came home as a little boy and I saw my mom sitting and I felt the duty to comfort her and to be there for her, even though I was 8 or 9 years old. That’s not something you expect to do or think from an 8 year old. It really broke me and now I can openly speak about it, because I have had enough conversations with my parents about it, about how it was for me. And I made a play about it, as I told earlier, so it’s been a whole process and that has scarred me till at least my 16th. My parents got divorced when I was 5 or 6 years old. It took me a long time to open up because of that. I notice it a lot in previous relationships, that I walk away from fights, because I would find the confrontation too heavy to get into a fight and to discuss. The divorce and fights with my parents scarred me so hard that I didn’t want that again. I wanted everything to be rainbow and sunshine, but life doesn’t work like that. And that was partly a misconception from me, that I thought that a relationship had to be perfect, if there is a fight, then it’s not going well. Now I realize that fights are part of a relationship. And also part of steps you take into accepting each other, listening to each other and understanding each other. It’s needed for a stronger connection. You can’t, well you can, but in my eyes you can’t be with someone for a long time without ever having had a conflict. Even if it’s a discussion, because then you’re adapting too much to the other, and then you say okay, I’m adapting to the demands of her and I suppress my own things or things I want to do, only to avoid the discussion, and that’s something I learned. And that’s how everyone learns their own things along the way.
E: You still see it in the youth, those romantic movies, where everyone is so in love and it always ends with a kiss or something and it’s always good and then you think, this must be the case in real life. Why can’t I find Gabriella Montez for my Troy Bolton. Even though that was a shitty relationship too, they were constantly fighting. No, but that gives a wrong image about relationships and for other things because of movies. And the reality is just different.
32:16
W: Yes. I recently for the first time -this is kinda embarrassing because it’s a must see- watched The Notebook.
E: Me too! What did you think?
W: It has been a few weeks ago. Or a few weeks, maybe 3 or something.
E: I watched it last weekend.
W: I almost cried.
E: Really?
W: I’m a really emotional person. I can really cry. I can really get lost in a movie. “No not the puppy, why?!” Those things, where I think "Willem, act normal". But no it was a beautiful movie.
E: Yeah I have a different opinion, because I just fell asleep. I fell asleep, because it all went so slow, it started so slow. I didn’t even watch the kiss in the rain scene.
W: The moment. It’s in literally every romantic movie. In the rain, it happens everywhere.
Ender: Yeah mate, it’s such a cliché actually, but yeah.
W: I bet you that they’re just standing there with a garden hose.
E: Definitely.
W: It can’t be that they’re waiting, “is it gonna rain today? We need to do that scene now”.
33:27
E: Checking the rain alarm while everyone is inside. There are definitely sprinklers there. It’s in a lot of romantic movies. Now that we’re talking about it, the filming you did with wtFock, you sometimes had scenes outside. Here we have those (light) spots, I assume that you don’t carry them outside. How do you guys do that?
W: Sometimes we do have spots outside, but as long as the light from the sun is okay – with a binocular (telescope), well it’s not a binocular, it’s a round thing you can look through and with it they can determine the brightness of the sun and if the sun is too bright for the lightning they need, then it gets shielded, the same that is in front of your lamps. With that they can dim the lights. Or when there is not enough they use isomo plates, that’s really weird. Sometimes there are really intimate scenes in a series where it looks like it’s really close to the skin of the actors. There is a camera with a plate on it and a stick for the sound above it, it sometimes made it really hard for me to focus, because everyone is sitting there and the director and I’m like “yeah, okay okay”. So it takes a lot to get it all professional.
E: Was there a crazy moment where you forgot your lines? That you’re laying in bed and you’re like “which sentence do I have to say now?”
W: Yeah we’ve definitely had a lot of bloopers. Yeah forgetting lines or.. the thing is, as long as the director doesn’t say cut, you have to keep going. It’s a matter of "how do I improvise myself around this scene to get to the point we actually have to get to", because you have a scene and you have your lines, but if you forget something, then you do know the main lines of where the scene has to go to. You know the scene will end in a kiss or something and these subjects will be spoken about in the conversation, so when you forget your lines, you try to work your way through it as best as possible. And when the director says it wasn’t good, then we’ll do it again. I’ve had a lot of moments where I forgot my lines and I was laying in bed with Willem and we would look at each other and we’d know that I had to say something, but I was stuck, so there would be a 10 seconds silence, hoping for them to say cut. Yeah so those kinds of moments a lot or moments where I… I also had that with Déjà Vu. I remember… by the way it was amazing to work together with such big names as Natali Broods and Koen De Graeve. And Koen, lovely person, was kind of the father figure on set and we had a scene, next to the bed, a quite emotional scene. And the camera was focused on me, close up on my face. And I still remember that, the sound was going, everything, and Koen had just told a joke, or made a face that made me laugh. So, I had to laugh really hard, but I had to act very sad. It was an intense scene of goodbyes. All the time, starting to laugh about everything. I still remember for wtFock we made a video with bloopers and those are very fun to watch back.
37:03
E: Are those bloopers ever published somewhere online?
W: I don’t think so.
E: I think if you’d be able to release them somewhere that a lot of people would be interested in them.
W: Yes, yes. I don’t know why, indeed. The fans would be happy with those.
E: I think a lot of people- because we were just talking about your biggest fan.
W: My biggest-
E: Your grandma.
W: My grandma, yes. Big shout out to my grandma.
E: Do you think she’s watching right now?
W: She’ll definitely watch, I hope so.
E: What’s your grandma’s name?
W: Micheline.
E: Micheline, thank you very much for watching Micheline.
W: Micheline.
E: I appreciate it.
W: Women in power. She deserves a special place. No really, she follows all the fan accounts of wtFock. And then sometimes, or very often, we call and she gives me an update of what’s being said on the internet. Or yes, I also remember, when scenes come out and there’s things being said and she’s like "Willem, is that true, what are they saying?" And I say "Grandma, it’s nothing, it’s all from the show." "Ah okay, okay." So yes, very sweet grandma. She’s like the grandma where everything was allowed. I think that’s the same for everyone. At home, there are a lot of rules, and then you got to sleepover at your grandma’s and it was like: "Oh, I get to stay up later, and she made pudding for me." Her vanilla pudding-
E: That good?
W: Grandma, if you’re seeing this, please make some vanilla pudding when I visit.
E: Dude, everything’s falling out of my pocket.
W: You’re letting everything fall out of your pocket? Maybe you need to buy another pair of pants.
E: The chair is too comfortable that I’m kind of sinking in it, and now I constantly get-
W: The conversation’s too comfortable-
E: It’s just my phone, it’s vibrating, I think it just vibrated out of my pocket. So, silent, great. Eh, what were we talking about? About your grandma.
W: About my grandma.
38:46
E: Now, totally different subject. If you were a fish, what color fish would you be?
W: A fish?
E: Which color do you identify most with?
W: Eh.
E: And you’re a fish too of course.
W: Identify with which color. The thing is, I’m in the scouts. And in the Jins, that’s the last year before you become a leader, we were given a color totem, and the whole group decided on a color that fits you.
E: All right.
W: And mine was mango orange.
E: Wow, that’s cool.
W: Yeah, I thought it was cool too. And it means, if I have to think back, mango has quite a hard peel, relatively, but the fruit itself is quite soft. And that refers to my personality. I’m someone that lets people in fast, around me, but in the beginning, suspicion is a little strong, but kind of like, testing. Let’s say that. But once- From the outside I might look a bit hard. A lot of people say that when I have my straight face-
E: Resting bitch face.
W: That I’m angry. I was once told on the subway by a dude, and I was just listening to music, staring in the distance, and I think, suddenly a dude comes up to me, in French: "C’est quoi ton problème, heh, tu regardes come ça, c’est quoi ton problème." And I was like: "I’m sorry". Apparently, I was looking in his direction with my-
E: Bitch face.
W: Bitch face. He must have thought I was looking for problems. So yeah, that’s why the mango, a little hard on the outside, but once you get to know me better, a soft, sweet boy. So that’s why, orange. So, an orange fish then.
E: A little bit of Nemo vibes.
W: Yes, Nemo then. But let’s, what’s that theory. Did you hear that?
E: Theory?
W: About Nemo.
E: What’s the theory?
W: Haven’t you heard that? I keep seeing that online. I’m having a crisis. So the thing is, your childhood will get ruined.
E: Fuck man.
W: The thing is-
E: But there really are, no keep going, I have something I want to say afterwards.
W: The thing is, I’ve heard, that Nemo is Latin for nobody, and that the father is imagining that he still has an egg left, but that that fish doesn’t actually exist.
E: Oh fuck.
W: And that Dory joins him, and he sees, we’re actually not looking for anyone, but because he has memory issues, he constantly forgets that they’re not looking for anyone. So, they’re actually looking for nobody. And I saw that online and I was like.
E: Damn, so all the eggs are eaten, but he imagines that someone still has to be there.
W: Yes, something to keep living for.
E: Fuck man, that’s very brutal. That’s very fucked up.
W: Sorry to everyone for who Nemo is ruined now.
E: There’s a similar theory about Phineas and Ferb, and then Candice, their sister, is based on a true story about a girl that lost her brothers and still imagines that they're still doing stuff in the garden. And she keeps telling her mom: "Look, look, they are still here, they’re doing that." And that the mom says: "They’re not there." And that’s why she can never see that. You get it? Brutal right?
W: My whole childhood is ruined. Fucking hell.
E: That’s going to be the title of this podcast.
W: Childhood ruined.
E: We’re ruining your childhood.
42:17
W: We’re ruining your childhood. No but that’s good because, thankfully, I have a half-sister, but I say sister because I think half-sister is an ugly word, of seven years old. She thinks she’s 16. She’s a real diva.
E: Oh wow, okay.
W: She’s very, I’ll tell you a story later, but the thing is, I experience all those things with her again. In the beginning it was like, turning the tv on, Bumba, again. And I could secretly watch with her without feeling guilty. I was like, I’m watching Bumba and secretly I’m enjoying it, but sssh, I’m just watching it with my sister.
E: That exactly.
W: And now it’s Ketnet, like Hoodie, those series that she’s watching. And yes, I notice that because of all the technology today, she has an iPad, she’s on YouTube, she’s watching those self-made crafts.
E: 7 years old?
W: 7 years old, yes.
E: Wow.
W: She watches those- where people are playing with Barbies and they make a little play with them online on YouTube and they do stuff. Yes, a tablet. She has an iPad that’s bigger than her head. That makes me think- well, an iPad is usually bigger than everyone’s head. Or well, almost.
E: Not if you have a mini of course.
W: Her head isn’t that big.
E: Okay.
W: She’s on it a lot though. But she’s a real diva. I think the best story I have, there’s multiple. I remember the story, we were sitting at the table and she was having another moment of "I’m the princess, and everyone can leave because I do what I want and fuck you all". But the thing is, there’s five kids at home. I have a brother and two stepbrothers. So, she has four brothers, and she knows very well that she has four brothers. And that makes her feel even more like she’s the princess at home. So, we were sitting at the table. And she kept staring at my dad like this while throwing her cutlery on the ground. Like "what are you going to do". And my dad was like: "Liv," because her name is Liv by the way, "stop that."
E: That wasn’t nice of Liv. (Liv sounds the same as lief which means nice in Dutch.)
W: No. Not nice of-
E: Haha. Sorry.
W: Badam pam ts. Can’t we put that under here. Yes.
E: No, sorry, keep going.
W: So, he was like: "Liv, stop that, stop that." He started to get annoyed, because she kept going. "Liv, what is so hard to understand about no." And then it got silent at the table so I thought, okay, it’s done. The o.
E: Oh wow.
W: 7 years old and she drops that.
E: Oh wow.
W: And I thought, okay.
E: Damn bro.
W: The o. That she even dares to say that. Yeah, and she has those moments. She was sitting at the table, with her mask on, eating. So, she pulled her mask down to eat, and then she was chewing with her mask on. And then I asked: "Liv, why are you wearing your mask?" "Yes, you came back from Ghent, you’re not in my bubble."
E: Okay, okay.
W: So, then I said: "Okay, that’s fine." It’s crazy how that goes around among young children. Because my sister came back home from school crying once. And I asked her: ‘Liv, what’s wrong?’ "Yes, my friends didn’t let me play with them." So, I was like: "Why?" "Margot says I’m not allowed in her bubble."
E: Oh wow.
W: See, that’s becoming the new- we played with Pokémon cards on the playground and now it’s about playing games in bubbles because it’s so-
E: Damn.
W: Yes, you’re only allowed to have four people in your bubble so we don’t play with more than four.
E: Oh wow.
W: So I found that kind of crazy, or confronting that it made me think like, even at such a young age it has an impact. And I know that the-
E: That it leaves an impression.
W: Yes, and I know that my dad-
E: It’s sad that children have to think about it.
W: Yes, exactly.
E: Well, it’s not that- everyone should think about it of course.
W: Yes, yes, of course. It’s also that I know the way my dad feels about raising, that he tells Liv straight up about things that are happening in the world. He doesn’t make things seem nicer, or saying, eh, yes, no, but that’s- The classic story of how babies are made, with the cauliflowers, and what not.
E: I also just think-
W: How am I going to explain that to my kids?
E: If you don’t make it a taboo to start with, is it that bad? It’s just- it’s just. Oh well, that’s a whole other conversation.
W: Yes, no, definitely.
E: But straight up just telling what’s going on to your kids. I think I would prefer that to making up a story about the flowers and the bees.
W: Yes, yes.
E: Because the story about the flowers and the bees, I don’t even know how you actually- pollinating and stuff, is that what that means?
W: You do it like this, pollinating.
E: Yes, no, exactly.
W: Yes, but well, children, that’s still a long time from now.
E: Do you want kids, you think, later?
W: Yes, please.
E: Do you think you would be a good father?
W: I hope I would be a good father. Despite my parents’ divorce, I really do… I do look up to my parents. I’m proud of the way they raised me. So yeah if I would be a good father… sometimes, but maybe that’s the age, kids frustrate me. I’m a leader in the scouts for the Welpen and Welpen -great guys- but they can also be annoying and say “I’m not participating” and “that’s a stupid game, can we do something else?” and I’m like “we invest so much time in this and so much preparation, please participate” so sometimes that bothers me. But I would prefer not to have just one (child). Certainly more than one because… are you an only child?
E: No I have a little brother.
W: Yeah only child… with all due respect to people who are only children but sometimes I think… for example, I’m very happy that I have a brother. Not that it wouldn’t be fun without a brother per se, but I don’t know, the contact I have with my brother is nice.
E: The thing is, you don’t know what you’re missing so it’s hard to miss it I guess. But I do think that my brother has been a great added value to my life.
W: Yeah, yeah.
E: In the same way, I never really had grandparents. They all died before I was born and the grandfather I did have was quite old when I was actually aware that I had a grandfather. So I’ve never really had the grandparents experience that you see with family gatherings and stuff. But I don’t feel like I’ve missed anything but I still know how much other people benefit from having grandparents. Also what you just said about how often you call each other and stuff. I think that’s the same with being an only child. If you don’t have any brothers or sisters, you don’t know what it’s like to have that, what you’re missing. But if you do have it, it’s an added value I think.
W: Yes, exactly. No that’s true. My brother is very helpful to me now. I know that I can count on him.
E: Older or younger by the way?
W: Older.
E: A lot older?
W: 21.
E: 21.
W: Oh boy I had to think about how old my brother is. Embarrassing. Love you man. No but we had - maybe you had that too – but when we were younger, we really fought.
E: Physical?
W: Real fighting. Yeah, it’s has now gotten much better. I think we understand each other a lot better, but it used to be real… we had Catch WW on the Wii and we reenacted that on the couch so that was… “In the right corner Ramy Stereo” and we were bare-chested and both had one boxing glove on and fighting each other until one of us cried, bled or gave up. Usually it was me.
E: That’s just the fate of the little brother.
W: I always went… I’ve never admitted that actually, [whispers] it’s a confession. I’ve never admitted it, but afterwards I always went to my parents and cried “Kwinten hurt me”.
E: That’s really… that’s the moment, you feel it coming and you think “ah fuck no, if I hit again it’s probably over but I want to…” [cross-talk] “no no no don’t tell mom! Don’t tell mom!” I think I was a pretty nice big brother. We often did shit together. We were at home playing on the couch together and Olaf bumps into a large box that was standing there and the box, bigger than Olaf back then, fell down on his hand.
W: Oh shit.
E: So Olaf broke his hand. And I thought “I made him jump over those chairs” and then you have to say “sorry sorry don’t tell them, don’t tell them!” but yeah if your hand is fucking broken, you’re not gonna stop crying because your big brother says “don’t cry”. Yeah, that are…
W: Yes, but the relationship [between Willem and his brother] has improved. Okay we still have our discussions but... I think moments like when we’ve both been to a pub or something and we come home at the same time and we’re always hungry and standing in the kitchen making sandwiches. Those are great moments. I don’t necessarily need to have emotionally heavy of deep conversations with my brother to know that he’s there and that I can have a good time with him. So I think that’s the added value of having a brother or brothers in general.
E: Do you guys also have a specific sense of humor? Or like those moments when the two of you are laughing and your parents or people around you think “what the fuck is going on?”
W: Yeah we speak some slang to each other for fun. Like “stu stu” and [my slang knowledge is very limited so I have no idea what he’s saying here lol], those kinds of things. Typical slang from Brussels and Leuven. It’s funny because my parents are always like “why are you talking to each other like that?” and recently, I was leaving and my mom said “stu stu!” so they are adopting those words and then my brother and I can’t stop laughing.
E: Also if your mom suddenly says “are we going to chill later?” and I’m like [laughing] “what? Mom!”
W: “Okay??”
E: It’s kind of cute. Yeah it’s fun. And what are… I almost want to go deep like…
W: That’s okay.
E: Is there a particular interaction or experience you’ve had with your brother that sums up your relationship right now? Or are those the moments when you’re laughing and eating at night? It doesn’t have to be a super deep or emotional moment.
W: I think it’s an accumulation of those moments and emotional moments too. For example, after it was over with my ex. I was really down back then, it hit me pretty hard. Those are the moments when I can walk into my brother’s room in the middle of the night and he’s there for me. I know that dude is always going to be there when something’s wrong, no matter how much we argue or how much we shit at each other. I just know, and I hope he does too, that I can call him 24/7, walk into his room 24/7 and he will be there or ready to listen. I think that’s just something… the fact that we know that about each other, that creates that bond. And the thing is, if only he would do his best and go to work, earn real money… because we went on holiday together and he still hasn’t… he still has some work to do but we’ve already planned something. I’m really looking forward to it. We’re planning to go surfing in Portugal together. Those are moments I just know I can go somewhere with him and have the time of my life without-
E: …That you can remember for the rest of your life what you did together.
W: Yeah, absolutely. Those moments that I want to cherish or want to keep or experience.
E: My little brother is also just the most annoying dude on this planet who I love the most.
W: Exactly that combination. Annoying, but you love them.
E: Of course. The cameras are back on. That means we’ve been at it for over 50 minutes.
W: 50 minutes? It feels like we’re chatting for 20 minutes.
E: Exactly.
W: Pleasant.
E: That’s good. If it’s pleasant and the stress is gone.
W: Do you actually like me? “No I hate you. We’re going to finish. It has been good.”
55:29
E: No we’re not going to finish yet, but before we do, is there anything you’d like to send out into the world before we finish? On average there are 10 to 50 people watching. Is there anything you want to say to them?
W: To the 10 to 50 people?
E: Yes.
W: 10 to 50 people, you are awesome. No, what I’m saying… maybe a little deep but it doesn’t matter. Very often in your life you are going to encounter that you run into a wall, that you’re going to have setbacks, that you think “I don’t want to anymore, I can’t to this anymore, life is all one big shit show” but I think that there is a certain… at least I believe that – everyone has their own opinion of course- that a certain path has been mapped out for everyone. Not necessarily that things are set in stone but there is a road that you are going to take and that road is going to have curves, is going to have hills, is going to have valleys, is going to have everything. Maybe it’s a gravel path, maybe rocks you stumble over but -it sounds a bit stupid- put on your best walking shoes and just walk that path the best way you can. Just try to live life with complete joy and euphoria because you’re 100% worth it. No matter what other people say or think about your ideology or style or way of life. Everyone is entitled to it or should be given the opportunity to be appreciated for who they are. I think that’s something we do too little in this society, but yeah.
E: Just don’t be too hard on yourself in the end?
W: Yeah, don’t be too hard on yourself. A lot of people blame themselves too much. Or “oh I’m like that and I don’t fit in because of that” or something. Then I think: so be it.
E: Do you sometimes feel that you should do more or have achieved more at this age? Of course you’re already doing a lot of cool shit but social media, I know there is a highlight reel of all people’s achievements and that sometimes it’s very difficult to filter between what is real and how much is that person actually sitting on the couch doing nothing. Do you sometimes feel that because of social media of because of your environment or I don’t know, that you’re not doing enough?
W: Gosh, sometimes I think my life is too full.
E: Too full?
W: Not that I’m saying “oh I have so many things to do” but I’m like... I’m letting that grow organically or so.
E: Not putting too much pressure on yourself?
W: Not putting too much pressure on yourself. I’m doing a course now that I’d like to finish because I’ve had those two projects and there are friends of mine who say “why are you still studying? You’ve had your opportunity, you’re going to get new opportunities right?” and I say “hey! I’m also only 19”. Sometimes I think “fuck Willem you should have achieved more already” but I also think I’m only 19. There was a conversation at school… I really think that’s one of the added values of the course. We receive an observation report twice a year, 5 pages where the teacher writes about you and how they see you, what they think about you, what your qualities are, what you still need to work on. It’s always spot on. So strange how they can just see right through you, even though I sometimes try to hide it. Yeah, where was I going with this… we had subsequent conversation about it and I said to my teacher “sometimes I feel like I’m too young for this course” that I have too little life experience. There are people in my class who are in their 20s or older, who have already studied something else before this, have read a lot more, seen a lot more than me, a lot more experience and I think “fuck, I don’t have anything”. People talk about certain topics and I don’t follow at all. I mentioned that I felt too young and she [the teacher] said “you’re young, but that also has its advantages. Your youthfulness can actually be an interesting tool in this course and look at it from a different perspective”. So I’m convinced: don’t be too hard on yourself, don’t think “whew, I’m already 20 and I haven’t achieved anything yet” so to speak. I even saw a video recently where… “if you don’t make it in your 20s, you might make it in your 30s and if you don’t make it in your 30s, you might make it in your 40s”. There are so many… there really are a lot of people… people often forget that there are people who only find out what they want to do or discover their passion later in life.
E: And also just… I think it’s so ridiculous that you set certain goals for a certain age or something. That it’s so expected that by 18 you must have completed high school and by 25 you must have had your first job interview, by 28/30 you must have a house and a serious relationship where you’re committed to for the rest of your life and by 40 you must have already had a promotion, that you can provide for yourself and fix your pension. All those fucking predetermined milestones. I think that’s kind of bullshit, you know?
W: Absolutely.
E: If that were the case, then I should graduate in a few years so to speak while I’m clearly not studying here because I have – fuck normally I have a re-exam today. And here we are.
W: Here we are.
E: I knew I was doing this but I mean that’s just… there’s so much time. I’m 22 now and I’m doing some shit, if I go nuts now or people don’t want to listen to this podcast anymore, don’t want to see what I do online, okay then I have to look elsewhere. But I did this and I went for it and I tried. I’m 22. Even if I go nuts now and it’s all gone, I’m only 22. There are still so many ways it could go. A lot of people don’t have a job at 22. If I started looking for a new job or something now, hopefully I’ll have one by 25. Then it’s still okay because I’m only 25. I don’t know, I always find that… I could go on for a long time about this. I think those predetermined milestones/goals of things that you must have achieved by a certain age, I just think it’s bullshit.
W: I sometimes make the comparison that people too often see life as the sports world. Football players who are good until 35 and then they are done. As if you must have already performed before that age. That’s not how it works. You really have all the time and you really don’t have to stress. I also notice that many people… you mentioned re-exams. That people say “fuck I have re-exams, oh no I’m not going to pass, oh no you have extra…” chill. You do your best, but suppose you have to repeat a year, that’s not a disaster either, is it?
E: What I also think is crazy is how many people have studied law and you eventually hear that they ended up in a marketing agency because they found it much more interesting. When I talk to some people who… I was seeing a social media manager recently [laughs] “seeing”, I was talking to him.
W: “seeing” okay [laughs].
E: I was talking to him.
W: [joking] Ender has something to say.
E: And I asked “what did you study?” and he said biochemistry. “How the fuck did you end up here?” Him: “uh yeah that just wasn’t the right fit for me. I have a master’s degree but I started working here because I found it much more interesting”. I thought: why am I pretending that the degree I’m trying to get is going to determine the rest of my life, you know?
W: Absolutely.
E: If there are so many people now… because he was only 28 or something. So I thought “aah okay so you’ve been studying biochemistry for so many years and now you’re here – I don’t know if I’m talking about the correct position – but now you’re just sitting here making content. Cool. But why do I attach so much importance to that one direction I’m studying right now that doesn’t even have anything to do with media or anything. I mean I’m very interested in media, I’m studying economics. Which is also interesting, but that’s not what I see myself doing in the coming years.
W: Yeah, yeah.
E: Anyway enough about me. Do you think you could win in a fight against a cow?
W: [laughs] I really like that. You can switch to totally different shit like that. Like before you suddenly asked what color fish do you want to be. Okay. That’s nice. Win… I’ve heard if you knock over a cow it dies. That it has a heart attack then. We don’t want to kill cows okay!
E: And purely hypothetical, you’re just standing in a kind of meadow so it’s not super big so you can’t go in all directions. There is a limited domain. You come face to face with that cow and you have to begin. No weapons. You’re standing there and the cow stands there and you both know you’re going to fight.
W: It knows that too?
E: It knows that too.
W: [makes mooing noises] okay ca va.
E: It’s not a bull but it does have horns so in fact it would-
W: I would shit my pants. I’d give up already. I would lie on the ground, come on. Really crazy, I saw Jackass recently. Those guys, that Wee Man, who was in that link with the bull and he’s being catapulted, so to speak.
E: I don’t understand how those guys aren’t all dead yet.
W: Yeah they are really crazy.
E: There was also a rumor that Wee Man died from a bowling ball during… but apparently that wasn’t true.
W: I don’t know.
E: Fucked up shit. Would you win against a cow?
W: Would I win against a cow? No, I wouldn’t win against a cow. I don’t think I would win against a cow.
E: I think I would. I think just like with a bull I would try to jump out of the way like that and once you’re on the side it’s just a matter of pushing. If what you said is true, it’s game over when it’s down and you know, that’s your tactic.
W: But the thing is, a cow is heavy, isn’t it?
E: True.
W: You can’t just push it over like that, can you?
E: Sure, but it’s a matter of life or death, isn’t it? The adrenaline rush. You have to image, a cow just comes running towards you. The adrenaline that goes through your body. You shouldn’t underestimate the power you have then.
W: Just find the best patch of grass and when it’s there, sneaky knife in the back. No, now people are going to think I’m that kind of person.
E: That you’re just a snake.
W: Snake. Definitely and I admit it. No, that would be fucked up.
E: I’m going to do one more thing that’s important. I’m going to find a Twitter shout out and in the meantime, I already asked you what your message is to the world and that was a beautiful message. Got something more banal that you’d like to share? Something that you want to share from your social media or something?
W: What do you mean from social media?
E: Where they can follow you. You can say something if you have a really good video that you want to share. “Check me everywhere”.
W: No I don’t have… people should do what they feel like doing. Do you think I’m cool, do you think I’m fun, follow me on Insta. No really doesn’t matter. Doesn’t really matter.
E: Alright, I’m just going to scroll and you say stop. I’ll go back and forth and you have to say “yes that’s the one who gets to have this week’s shout out”.
W: Exciting huh. Stop.
E: [reads twitter account] M. Verschuren.
W: M. Verscheure.
E: Is that…
W: [reads quote] “If you were never sad, you wouldn’t know you could be happy”.
E: Wow. Damn bro.
W: I’m going to edit my quote.
E: “If you were never sad, you wouldn’t know you could be happy”. Wow. If you didn’t have shitty days, you wouldn’t know what the best days of your life were.
W: Exactly. But what if you get stuck in your shitty days for the rest of your life?
E: That won’t happen. That’s my biggest fear.
W: Me too.
E: Looking back at your life and thinking-
W: …Fuck I’ve never been there again.
E: …That’s where I peeked. Hope that doesn’t happen. Anyway M. Verscheure thank you very much for listening, I really appreciate it. You as well, I think?
W: Absolutely, absolutely. How much were you going to pay me?
E: 50 euro.
W: Then I’ll come… awesome. Super cool.
E: Thank you so much to everyone who listened. I appreciate it. If you want to hear more you can always subscribe to this channel. It’s also good for my ego. I’ll just put your Instagram link in the description, for people who are interested. Okay, that was it.
W: Thanks, it was fun.
E: There’s an audio only episode on Spotify every Sunday and the video comes out on Monday. That’s it. See you next Monday. Or Sunday. Peace.
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Heyo, this is my first time asking (im kinda new to tumblr, so please dont judge) if you would'nt mind, could you do some headcannons (or oneshots, it dosen't matter) with all the demon bros and a MC who is crippled/paralized in their legs, and has to use a wheelchair to get around? Thank you!!
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This is the first time I’ve written about a crippled MC, so I hope I didn’t fuck this up or anything. I found out that being paralysed in both legs is a disability called Paraplegia so that’s how I titled this post. And y’all are too sweet, you are more than welcome anon! I hope I can portray this properly because I am not crippled myself so I’ve opted to do some research before writing this! I hope you like it! Also, I feel inclined to add that none of the brothers would treat you too differently if you happen to have a disability because you’re their human nonetheless :)
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The Brothers with an MC that has Paraplegia and needs a wheelchair to get around:
Lucifer:
-Lucifer was in charge of choosing the final human, exchange student for the program so it’s guaranteed he already knew about your predicament before you even arrived
-Him and Diavolo probably had many meetings concerning your disability before the program could commence, considering that being unable to walk would double the chances of you getting killed since you are obviously more vulnerable
-Not to mention all the treatment you would require
-Lucifer is not well versed in human illnesses and disorders, but he makes sure that he is educated enough on the matter before you get brought down there
-It would not be easy, but he is determined to help you survive your year in DevilDom for the prince’s sake
-First problem of the day was, of course, your wheelchair
-Due to lack of time, Lucifer was unable to instal ramps around the House of Lamentation which meant that for the first couple of weeks, someone would’ve had to help you move around certain parts of the house
-He gave that highly prestigious job to himself because he didn’t trust his brothers and thought they would accidentally drop you and your wheelchair down the stairs
-He talks a lot to you, even at the beginning, because he needs to establish your needs and what he should do to make sure you don’t die for the following year
-You would have to tell him about physical therapy and how most commonly it uses heat, massage and exercise to stimulate your nerves and muscles, making it a great treatment for people with leg paralysis
-Once you two enter a more intimate and personal relationship, it’s more than likely he’ll help you perform those things himself (instead of kidnapping a human doctor from somewhere)
-Lucifer knows you have no problem getting around with your wheelchair by yourself but there are times where he’ll insist to push you along in order to give you a quick break
-I can totally imagine you two strolling around DevilDom and having cosy chats about RAD and your adjustments to DevilDom
-He has a softer side to him that he’s afraid to show most of the time, but he feels so at ease when you’re around, it’s hard for him to hold that part of him hidden from you
-Of course, your safety still remains his primary concern and he acts more like your guardian than Mammon does, even if he was originally supposed to look out for you
-He will accompany you almost anywhere. And if he can’t, he’ll have one or more of his brothers do it. And even then he’s probably lurking nearby, just in case
-He would always be willing to listen about your condition, if you wished to tell him whether you were born with the defect or why you ended up crippled later in life. Either way, he’s all ears
-If you would rather not speak about it, he wouldn’t pry and respect your decision because he knows it’s not his place to pressure you
-Because of your paralysis, it’s quite obvious to demons that you are even weaker (physically speaking) than most humans and that usually puts a target on your back
-Howver, never fear, because Lucifer is pretty quick to put lower rank demons in their place with just a mere stare
-Oop one of them passed out from the fear, haha
-In conclusion, he’s the most responsible when it comes your comfort and safety during your stay
-He makes sure you are always left in good hands and and provides most of the requirements you need
-Y’all should see how his wings puff up when he senses a threat approaching you, he looks like a peacock ready to go on attack lol
Mammon:
-The second born is unsurprisingly a bit of a jerk at first
-He stays really grumpy the whole day of your arrival because he’s stuck babysitting you stupid human
-“Lucifer c’mon, what’s all this workload for? The human can’t even walk by themselves, why do I have to help them out?”
-Wtf Mammon you can’t say shit like that
-Anyways, the following very few days, the only thing he’s thinking about is how much money he could sell your wheelchair for
-He’s the literal incarnation of greed, what else did you expect from him?
-After a while, he starts feeling a bit guilty every time he thinks about it though
-Mammon is gonna take this secret to the grave (laughs in immortal) but he actually really likes pushing you around
-Maybe it’s because it’s a clear indication to everyone around him that you are HIS human, under HIS protection and therefore you trust HIM the most since he was your FIRST MAN
-He will insist on helping you get out of that thing when you need to go to bed and stuff every night and he will get pouty real fast if you let any of his other brothers do it
-You wake up to him trying to roll around in your wheelchair one night at like 3am
-At some point, he stole a wheelchair from the human realm to match with his human. You can guess the consequences of his actions
-I can imagine you having to face a staircase or something at school and Mammon being like:
-“Fuck it, imma carry this fragile human instead; wheelchair and all!”
-Like you were a sack of potatoes or something smh
-Cue his brothers watching him from a distance as he heaves you and basically weight-lifts you up the stairs
-Ok but every now and again, he gets so sad thinking about you not being able to walk, like he starts crying kinda sad
-While you stand there like 😐 “Why are you crying?”
-He’s so quick to help if he senses you’re in danger too
-It’s canon that Mammon is crazy fast if he wants to be so if he has even the slightest impression that your life is threatened, his feet are already moving
-He will charge at your immediate threat at around 120 miles per hour-do not try him when he’s mad
-“The Great Mammon saved the day! C’mon MC, let’s go buy some ice cream. My treat! Ya better be grateful!”
-He says while the demon that tried to eat you lies on the floor with about a dozen broken bones
-Mammon is the second most powerful demon out of all of his brothers, even if he doesn’t resort to violence often
Levi:
-He didn’t really know how to react when you first teleported to DevilDom
-I mean, from the very beginning he considered you to be a human normie but at the same time, he felt bad you were stuck with his brothers for the rest of the year
-I think he would understand you would have an even harder time integrating yourself in their house because of your disability and he knows his siblings are really fucking annoying, always pushing you around and whatnot
-So, he kinda lets you hide in his room quite often
-You guys chill out in there all the time, much to the dismay of the other brothers who also want to spend time with you
-At some point, Levi definitely begged asked Lucifer to let you start online classes with him
-“But wouldn’t it be easier for MC to do online school from home rather than go to R.A.D since there aren’t any ramps or anything around there???”
-“The answer is no Leviathan.”
-“Ugh fine! What a fucking boomer-“
-For some reason, he gets so flustered whenever you ask him to push you around
-He blushes right to the tips of his ears and then he starts sputtering some nonsense that you can’t make out at all
-But he’s more than happy to do it, especially if you guys are going to a convention or if he’s dragging you out to buy new merch
-You two would get along in the sense that Levi realises the struggles you faced all your life were tough to overcome and he believes you are just like him
-Usually left out by other people, ignored even
-He knows you always listen to him ramble on about whatever he is currently obsessed with and how much you check up on him to make sure he never isolated himself
-He wants to do that for you too! Talk to him about your hobbies, please I’m begging you-he feels so bad whenever he’s doing all the talking
-If you ask him to help you with anything (getting something, helping you into bed—that sort of thing), he legally and physically can’t say ‘no’
-And he would get envious enough to stop talking to you for a day or two if you let his brothers do it instead (the second and third born are indeed similar lmao)
-S T A Y I N H I S R O O M, W H E R E Y O U C A N B E P R O T E C T E D !
-He will feel so much more at ease if you’re in his room because to him, that’s his haven
-If you’re in there with him, that means you’re not getting involved in his siblings’ endless and dangerous shenanigans
-Whenever you’re at school, he can’t help but worry about your well-being
-Because you’re human! You’re gonna get killed!! Do you know how much your organs sell on the black market in DevilDom??? 100x more than in the human realm, that’s for sure
-Would they have a black market or would it be a regular market lol
-For some reason, he also likes staying in your wheelchair when you’re not using it
-I think he just takes comfort in knowing it’s something that belongs to you and smells like you and-
-OK Levi, sit back down
-He wouldn’t treat you any differently if you had a disability tbh, but he’d be more concerned because you can’t even run away or anything
-So he’s so fuckin’ relieved when you guys are just vibing in his room
-He could die happy knowing he kept his best friend/ partner safe
Satan:
-Satan would be even more prepared for your arrival than Lucifer would, in a sense
-Out of all of his brothers, he’s most likely to understand and recognise paraplegia (either from studying human illnesses/birth defects/disabilities or from encountering humans with said disability)
-He’s a smart boy, alright?
-Always seems to be the first to notice if you need help or if someone’s bothering you
-Though in the very beginning, he was pretty tempted to just let you get killed to see how angry Lucifer could get
-Seeing dear Luci’s misery brings him great joy 🥰🥰🥰
-Once you two manage to build a very honest and strong relationship, he feels more and more inclined to keep you out of harm’s way
-Pls, he would feel so honoured if you let him push you around (it’s like you asked him to h*ld h*nds or something)
-If you require treatment of any kind, he would be so happy to help
-But in a subtle way...?
-Satan makes it seem so smooth too like he doesn’t mind lending a helping hand when in reality he’s all giddy inside
-*Kinda wants to rub it in his brothers’ faces but at the same no, because he’s definitely the bigger person here
-He wants to know how your wheelchair works
-It’s got all of these neat mechanisms and he wants to learn how they’re constructed because he never had the chance to inspect one before
-He’s such a sweetheart about asking you as well and never pries about your disability unless you start elaborating yourself
-Most of the time, he acts all charming and very gentleman-like
-So people have a hard time spotting and acknowledging the building rage inside of him every time he sees you are threatened by some moronic low rank demon
-Satan’s usually chill when it comes to injuries, unless he can see you’re in horrible pain
-There’s nothing a few spells can’t accomplish
-But when others purposefully try harming you?
-It’s like he loses all the self control he’s been trying to perfect over the centuries and he can’t help himself from at least breaking someone’s rib cage
-Satan’s a weird one because he’s protective of you even though he’s more on the relaxed side when compared to his siblings
-He very much acknowledges that you made it this far in life with your predicament so he doesn’t feel the need to baby you or anything
-You’re strong and he knows this
-It’s one of the many things he clearly loves about you
-That one time you rolled over Mammon’s foot with your wheelchair on purpose, he was wheezing
Asmo:
-Even now, he can’t help but wonder what it would be like to be stuck inside a wheelchair for the rest of his eternal life
-I mean, he’d obviously still be absolutely fabulous, have you seen him? He’s gonna be gorgeous either way
-But after the two of you meet, he definitely starts thinking about how he takes his feet for granted all the time
-It would be so difficult to complete his daily tasks without the ability to walk or run around
-That’s why he gets sad every time he remembers that’s your reality and on days like that, you’ve noticed he gives you a helluva lot more attention than usual
-He knows you don’t need pity or anything so he’s just making sure his human has all the support they can get
-Paraplegia or not, shopping trips are still a go-go
-He loves buying you clothes! And he loves helping you try them on! Asmo takes it very seriously
-Might have a go at the employees if they’re being rude to you
-You don’t even ask him to, but he subconsciously starts pushing you around himself whenever the two of you are out together
-“MC! Look at that new shop that’s just opened! Isn’t it adorable? We have to check it out!”
-He can’t help it! There’s so many places he wants to visit, he sort of just drags you with him wherever he goes
-Even at home, he always pops out of nowhere to coax you into coming to his room
-Y’all have so many skin routines to do each day
-Like he’s in your room most nights to greet you goodnight and tuck you in, with the rest of his brothers it gets so awkward at times
-Asmo just wants to see you smile, ok? He thinks you have a beautiful smile and laugh and he wants to remind you that you’re marvellous, disability or not
-And if anyone does anything to put an end to your self confidence, he will swiftly put an end to their life
-Please, he’s a pro at ruining lives, he’s been doing it for centuries
-Asmo has such a huge influence over the people in DevilDom, he just needs to make this one post on Devilgram to end said demon’s whole career
-I mean, who is he compared to him, Hmm? So don’t worry MC, scum like that don’t even deserve to breathe the same air as you :)
-That one time Mammon tried lifting you up the stairs and Asmo started shrieking, like put them down! Don’t manhandle them like that, poor human :(
Beel:
-I know I sound repetitive, but he would be an overall sweetheart to you no matter the circumstances
-If Mammon is not by your side, then Beel definitely is
-His big, scary aura and figure usually scares off any threat in a 10 mile radius
-Most demons don’t fancy being eaten by the Avatar of Gluttony, ya know?
-Idk why but I feel like he’d be the type to ask for oral consent every time he wanted to push you around
-He doesn’t want to make you uncomfortable :(
-Surprisingly also the type to lift you and your wheelchair whenever an obstacle gets in your way
-You basically weigh the same amount as a paper plate compared to him, so he has no problem doing so
-He doesn’t really understand your condition as well as Satan may do, but he’s trying his best
-You mean so much to him and he feels it’s only fair he learns more about your disability as a thank you for what you’ve done for him
-He has a rough time keeping up with you when it comes to stuff like physical therapy because he’s very unfamiliar with it but that doesn’t mean he’s not gonna help
-Of course, Beel believes that this is the second best way to show you how much he cares for you besides the obvious ‘I love you’
-Giving you a hand whenever you need his support the most
-That’s his way of saying “I’m not going to let you down. I want you to trust me, the same way I trust you.”
-And knowing him, he will try to do everything in his power to keep you safe and sound
-After a while, you’re bound to notice he’s the first one to pull you out of his brothers’ pranks before you have a chance to get hurt
-Beel is always the one handing you stuff from high places you can’t reach, without teasing you for it like Mammon might do
-Always the first one to remind you to get plenty of rest and to eat enough
-He wants to protect you and his brothers because he knows he failed to do so with Lilith so yeah, he’s a bit overprotective at times
-He doesn’t mean to be overbearing, but he gets so anxious knowing you’re by yourself
-After a few months of getting accommodated with him, your disability is no longer brought up in the conversation
-Because he doesn’t care that you are crippled and forced to use a wheelchair
-You are part of his family and he loves you no matter what
Belphie:
-He didn’t really care, even when you first met and his hatred for humans was at its very peak
-It didn’t matter that you had a disability
-All that mattered to him at the time was killing you to satisfy that deeply rooted need of vengeance inside of him
-Though he was sort of surprised his brothers didn’t get to you first
-In general, he’s pretty chill about you being crippled in both legs
-It takes too much effort to worry about your well-being 24/7 after all
-Surprisingly, he does keep an eye out for you if his siblings aren’t nearby
-It’s his redemption arc people, he’s trying to be nicer
-But he has such an irritating way of showing his affection for you
-Do not let him push you around
-He’s either going to a) fall asleep after 30 seconds and slump over you in the middle of RAD’s halls
-Or b) be annoying and fling your wheelchair in every direction possible just to piss you off
-He likes messing with you because you give him the best reactions and he thrives on that
-You’ve almost fallen off your wheelchair multiple times because of this asshole
-Not that he’d actually let you fall, he just wants to see how easily he can get you to yell at him
-Speaking of said wheelchair, like Mammon and Levi, he also loves using it when you’re not
-You’ve woken up to him curled up and asleep in that thing quiet often and he’s gotten in trouble over it every time with Lucifer
-But he doesn’t care
-And at this point, I don’t think even he knows whether he’s doing it to get a reaction out of you or because he somehow found a way to make himself comfortable there
-He would low key use you as a mode of transportation every time you go to RAD
-Just clings the damn wheelchair and almost topples both of you over
-“Belphie, there’s nothing stopping you from walking 😐”
-“Shh, just bring me to class and let me nap until then.”
-He doesn’t mention your legs but he still lays his head on your lap often
-Might make you hold him like a bride every time you stroll around the house
-It’s done out of love, I promise 😌😌
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Al~
#obey me#obey me asmodeus#obey me beelzebub#obey me belphegor#obey me imagines#obey me leviathan#obey me lucifer#obey me mammon#obey me satan#om#obey me headcanons#obey me hcs#paraplegia#⭐️ requests#🕯 general#☂️ demon brothers
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Sad Late August Quarantine Thoughts 2.0
Last year, I wrote this. Basically my thoughts on how I felt in my life up to that point and what quarantine had illuminated. It felt cathartic then, so hopefully it’ll feel cathartic now. A part of that probably had to do with the fact that the last part was complete bullshit, but we’ll get into that later.
At nearly the slightest inconvenience now, I’ll say “I’m at my limit”. Technically, that isn’t really true because if I was really at my limit, at the next inconvenience I would completely lose it. But no, I’m just simply reminding myself that while I’m constantly met with a series of unfortunate events, I haven’t broken down yet. I might feel like I’m there, but I’m not. I’m just at my limit. Things are bad, but they aren’t the worst they could be yet. So keep in mind, I am very much at my limit as I’m writing this.
Last year I talked about my struggles with my job. Yeah, I got fired in February. It was not pretty either. I knew I wasn’t doing well performance wise, and they invited me into a zoom call that they said was a project meeting a week before my year anniversary and fired me. My supervisor (or I guess, ex-supervisor) cried on call. I didn’t cry until afterwards. It was an entire year of me trying to get better, him promising that it’ll come with time, and then getting sacked because “we didn’t see improvements”. Really, really fucking sucked. And it messed with me for a long time because I kept replaying those last few weeks, trying to decipher what I could’ve done differently to prove my worth and keep my position. There was a lot. I felt really guilty.
I think the worst part is that I got a performance warning in December and realized at that point I’d become so apathetic about my job that I needed professional help. I’d been trying to go to therapy for a long time, but it never panned out. My mom forbade it when I was in high school, it was practically impossible to get an appointment at my college’s mental health facility unless you were considered a threat to yourself and others (which I most certainly did not want on my record), and after school life happened so fast with the pandemic and the fact that I live in a 2 bedroom apartment with my mom and my brother with very little privacy. Even now that I’ve convinced my mom that therapy is okay, actually, she still highly disproves and sees it as some sort of psychological failing on my part. Which is. Sure. Whatever. Why not.The reason I did not enroll in therapy that December is actually because my dad lost his job and with it, his health insurance, and with that, my health insurance. That means I had to enroll in a health plan through my employment, which became an unanticipatedly long process. I actually got my new-but-useless health insurance card in the mail a few days after I got fired. They actually fired me on the last day of the month, so my benefits wouldn’t extend beyond that month. That’s a bit of fun irony.
To quite a few of my friends, this story solidified the idea that insurance=therapy. As soon as I got insurance again, I’d be able to finally get some help. This was a couple of people’s first response to me when I got hired again (yay, I know I don’t have to worry about that anymore but I’m also afraid that I’ll just inevitably be fired again so I don’t let myself have the victory). I know my friends only want the best for me, and I can’t expect them be able to emotionally support me like a professional, but I’m afraid that they think that therapy will be some sort of magical fix of sorts. I don’t mean in the sense of just getting better mentally, but I think being a tolerable person. I know that sounds like I’m just being self-depreciating, but let me explain.
A few years ago I was at dinner with one of my friends. I don’t remember exactly what we were talking about, but she goes “name three things you actually like” because I was probably being negative or something. I said a few things and whatever, but that comment stuck with me for a long time. I thought it was especially poignant or something. Am I so unhappy all the time because I fixate on things I don’t like? It could be connected to the attitude of social media to be outwardly negative. Casual wisdom, you know.
Well, that was the fact until I was out with that same friend and we visited Barnes and Noble. I’ve been doing quite a bit of reading this year and got more involved in the book community, so I have many Opinions. Some are good, some are bad, some are just me being annoying. After an hour of browsing the shelves, we drive home. I start talking about a series I really like in the car and she goes “It’s nice to hear you talk about a book you actually like.” Which kind of stunned me because I had just did a lot of talking about books I liked. How happy I was that kids were still reading Rangers Apprentice, going out of my way to see how many Brandon Sanderson books I could find in the Adult Fantasy section, and more reminiscing in the Young Adult section about books I liked recently or as a teen. The truth is, I talk about stuff I like all the time to people who will listen. Ask me about my favorite books! My favorite movies! My favorite musicals! I promise I will not shut up. It’s one of the few things I have that lift my spirits when I talk about it, I just don’t get the opportunity to much because it’s hard to find people who want to listen.
The thing is, I’m naturally a critical person, I think. I love tearing things apart, in good and bad ways. I also love gossip. I’m an okay gossip, but I know at this point that I’m a good critic. I’m really good at identifying faults and commenting them on an insightful or constructive way. I edit a lot of my friends’ writings for this reason. I don’t find that to be anything negative, it’s just something that’s interesting to me. Basically what I’m saying is, what if it’s not mental illness and I’m just annoying and I’ll not be able to meet the expectations of other people’s idea of progress for me and I’ll be a disappointment. I’m kind of tearing up while typing that out while listening bopping to Disturbia by Rihanna but this is the third time I’ve been on the verge of crying today so yaknow maybe it is just mental illness.At this point, I can either talk about criticism in relation to the particular way I dish it, or I could talk about how I want to receive it. I think the former will take less time to elaborate, so I’ll start with that.
I mention last year how I got an unpaid gig as a critic for DiscussingFilm. Embarrassing at times, I joke with my friends that “DiscussingFilm Writer” is a slur, but it’s cool at times as well. I got a press pass to go to Sundance and gorged on an entire family sized bag of peanut M&Ms while I watched like 14 movies in one weekend. I’m trying to say positive things about this until I start ragging to prove that I’m not an overwhelmingly negative person, but I don’t think that’s working well. Whatever. The point is, if I didn’t like it I would quit, but if I did quit it wouldn’t be because I didn’t like it. It would because there was an…event. I had quite a falling out with one of the higher-ups that run the site and in response my work has taken a hit. I won’t go into too much detail, but I don’t get assigned anticipated releases anymore. My work is often delayed going out and, in turn, I feel less motivated to turn in my work on time. And then on top of that, it’s rarely promoted. I have examples on top of examples, but this stupid thing is getting long enough. To summarize the DiscussingFilm situation, I feel like shit. I have one of the lowest view counts on the site. I’m told that my work is good and it’s valued, but not enough to get reposted, I guess! Why bother. And also because the person I do not work well with is quite up in the food chain, I’ll never see a promotion. I wanted to become an editor so bad (I do editing on the side for my friends and enjoy it), but now it will never ever happen. I don’t have the opportunity to prove myself, it’s just completely off the table by nature of leadership. Ass. Complete ass. I’m doing quite a bit of work for DiscussingFilm including creating the standard for the Instagram, making graphics for the Instagram, performing interviews and writing reviews for the site, and co-hosting a DiscussingFilm branded podcast, and I will never see neither a dime for my work or recognition in any meaningful or significant way. I don’t have a say in anything, and I feel like an insignificant cog whose opinion does not mean much.
I still get insecure with my reviews, but not as much anyways. Sure, I can’t compare to the great writers at trades who do this for a living and have been doing so for years. But, I am better than a lot of writers at my level. Sometimes I try pitching to other publications, but so far I’ve only been met with rejection. It kinda stings to know that my work is not worth enough to be paid for, but I’m kinda over it. I still pitch. I try my best. That’s the thing about me, I just keep going. Rejection hurts like a bitch, but whatever. I don’t want to quit just yet, so I guess I won’t. There isn’t anyone in my corner who’s actively spurring me to keep going, I’ve just decided that I’ll get paid for my work one day and so now I will.This connects with the criticism I want to receive which unfortunately very much is not of the nonfiction variety. Ew I fucking hate talking about this but I need to get it off my chest.
After I got fired, I was slipping into quite a bit of a depression. I started a podcast at this time with my friend to try and prevent that, but I knew that I probably needed another project. I wasn’t watching movies anymore, DiscussingFilm was not publishing my shit, and all I was doing all day was reading (which I don’t anymore, I’m in a slump and it’s definitely connected to the idea I have in the next sentence). So I had the brilliant idea of “hey, I could do that. I could write a book. I should do it to do it.”You see, this has not been my only attempt at writing a proper book. I tried when I was 13, I tried when I was 15 and into online literate roleplay, I tried when I was 18 by doing NaNoWriMo in college (also, I was actually more depressed then). I also tried to get into a short story class in college that you had to submit a story to get into and didn’t even make it on the waitlist. Nothing stuck. But hey, I was unemployed and I came up with a funny premise that I wasn’t too attached to, so why not?
The book is not funny. It was supposed to, but it’s changed a lot. I’m very comfortable writing in camp. It’s difficult because I know sometimes I have my moments, but often I don’t. I also chose to write it in a genre I’m not super familiar with (Young Adult contemporary, I read Young Adult and Adult fiction primarily). I didn’t expect it to be easy, but the things I thought would come easily did not come easily. I have a lot of male friends, so I could certainly write the male characters as real people, right? Right? I’m funny, so the humor would come across well, right? Did I anticipate that after years of pretty much only analyzing films critically I’d subconsciously structure my story using dialogue-driven storytelling similar to a screenplay? No! Not at all, actually! This journey of self-discovery has been ass at every corner!
I recognize that first drafts are shit and authors hate their writing, but also I’m built different, your honor. By 15k words in, I realized I needed an outside perspective. I hated my own writing and I was afraid none of the characters were coming off right. I needed feedback, and I still do. But I hate being perceived. As long as no one reads my writing, they think that I know what I’m talking about and value my opinion on their writing, but once they figure out I’m just an Imposter then it’s game over. They’ll lose respect for me. Logically, I know this isn’t how this works, but I feel physically nauseous whenever someone reads my writing.
Anyways, back to my much-needed criticism. To make a long story short involving several English teacher that caused me to quit pursuing writing altogether in my formative years and decide to switch to a STEM track, I have very little tangible self-awareness of my own writing and how to improve it. I need the outside feedback, or at least I did. I’m 60k words into my first draft now and I’m cripplingly self aware of all my errors, but it feels too little too late. 60k words are a lot of words, and it feels not great knowing that most of them are trash. I really needed this kind of feedback earlier in the process so I could make tweaks early on. I know that writing is like a muscle and you need to work it out and practice to get stronger, but fuck man, FUCK. 60k words is a LOT of words. And I still need people to read it and give me feedback and I’m literally willingly asking people to read shit. It’s so humiliating. I guess I’m just at a point where I wish I could look at it and find something of value in what I’ve written.
I see other authors and I get so jealous. At their confidence, at their lyricism, their mastery of the art, their enthusiasm for their story, their love of their characters. I don’t have that. I’m not even talking about imposter’s syndrome. I know what that feels like. This is something else. I just wish I was the kind of person who could openly be creative without wanting to die. I’m 100% sure if I could be enthusiastic about the story I want to tell, the entire thing would be better. It’s crazy how I noticed that I’m not writing any metaphors into realizing that’s directly connected with my inability to be vulnerable and that I’m detaching myself from my work. That, and the fact that I’m fucking shite at writing metaphors apparently.
It also doesn’t help that I don’t have a writer group of friends and very little people to talk about this with, none of which are like… enthusiastic. It’s not their fault. I attract people into my life who are very much like me. They’re supportive and wonderful but I need someone who’d be excited to talk to me about it. I just feel like such a huge burden all the time. Everytime I bring it up I feel terrible, but it’s occupying so much of my brain space and I have no outlet. But also, getting that group of friends would require me to be vulnerable online and be willing to share what I have so far which I might actually throw up.I think it’s very fun that “crying and throwing up” has become a saying on Twitter considering that I’ve counted a countless amount of times this year and thrown up from stress four times since last November. It might also be connected to coffee consumption, but if that’s true I’m ready to off myself because coffee is one of my few joys. Honestly, it’s probably a mix of both. I’m very healthy, very much okay.
I don’t know. Last year, I ended my little essay on a hopeful note. Here’s the thing, this may seem like very much just stream of consciousness bullshit but there is quite a bit of structuring I do and omissions I make. I didn’t talk about my struggles reconnecting with people and subsequently taking their irregular replies, because there’s a lot to get into there. There’s a lot I could’ve talked about, but no room. There’s a very specific flow, and I feel like any story, it needs a conclusion. So last year, through tears, I wrote a hopeful ending. It was as much for me as it was to the people reading it. Unfortunately, I don’t have it in it for me to conclude in the same fashion this time around.
The truth is, I need to feel okay. I need to feel like I’m good at something, anything, and be recognized for it.
Life is suffering and I’m just constantly going through the motions. I promise you, this stupid thing is 3k words and the second I’m done I’ll go back to working on my b**k even though today I literally started crying thinking about how shit it is. I’m just a tenacious individual. I persist. I don’t feel good about it, and I’m done with being genuinely hopeful, but there’s nothing to do but keep moving. I don’t know if my writing will get better or if I’ll ever get published or if this story is worth it. I don’t fucking know anything and I feel like shit. But what else am I going to do? I’ve been holding onto this hope that I’ll feel better about things for just so long and it hasn’t happened. But I’m not giving up lmao I’m just working with what I have. I am at my limit.
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Another novel commentary
Not an actual commentary - just a couple reactions I wanted to share, mostly because not many people care. Still, I think there are probably a lot of people who watched Another because it was such a classic and didn’t even know there was a novel. Hell, I’d been fed the lie that it was an anime original and that the manga was an adaptation of the anime for years... for some reason.
I haven’t read the third novel, Another S/O (Où est le mort ? / Where is the dead? in french) yet so this is only about the main story: Volume 1 “Celle qui n’existait pas / She who didn’t exist” and Volume 2 “La fille à l’œil de poupée / The girl with the doll eye” in french. I like to cite the french titles because I think they are pretty cool, and I believe they did not exist in the original and english versions.
I will not be including spoilers of specific deaths and events but I will speaking as if the person reading this already knew Another.
Let me start by saying that reading Sei Hatsuno’s commentary at the end was quite the wholesome experience. They seemed to truly admire the author of the novel I’d just read. I liked that.
So... if it wasn’t already clear, I seriously enjoyed it. As someone who’s been kept from reading by mental illness despite it having been my passion for years, being able to read and enjoy Another put me in a good mood.
(Basically, I live in fear of what’s coming now that I’m done. Damn...)
I was able to appreciate how good of an adaptation the anime actually was. I mean, more often than not, the anime isn’t so great and “you should really read the manga/novel/whichever came first”, right? Honestly, I don’t feel like all these years of loving Another from the anime were a lie. Though it was short, it was simply enough a good adaptation. A few elements were changed here and there, yes - but I believe it stayed true to the essence of the story, and those differences are what make me want to say you should read the novel AND watch the anime. Yes! Both are actually very good. It makes perfect sense when that one character dies earlier in the novel, but the scene of their death in the anime was actually a pretty good one that efficiently showed how students from Class 3-3 felt at the time.
And yes, the rumours are true... Akazawa - best girl Akazawa... barely exists in the novel. And it’s true, it’s sad. She was seriously interesting in the anime, and despite not having watched it in years, I have a strong memory of her. Still, it’s clearly not a flaw from the novel - it’s a quality from the adaptation(s). What little we see of her in the novel serves to show, discreetely but efficiently, Sakakibara’s negative feelings towards kids his age. He regularly mentions “not liking girls like her”, but the truth is, he doesn’t like the popular guys either. There needed to be characters like Akazawa and her friends because Teshigawara was an exception, meaning that he didn’t represent properly his distate for “cooler” kids. At the end of the day - and I say that with nothing but love in my heart - Sakakibara is just a nerd who coincidentially got bullied in his previous school. He tries to be cool about it, but deep down, he knows.
It’s true that I loved him, though. I didn’t have strong memories of him from the anime (which, again, I rewatched multiple times, but not in a good few years) but I remember liking him already. He was a pretty compelling character, and I liked reading through his well-hidden insecurities while still having him try his best rather than falling into whatever stereotype he could. I’m not that person who likes to ship the obvious straight ship, especially not when the characters are teenagers, but his crush (that he won’t fully admit to having, but once again, deep down, he knows) on Misaki was cute and worked.
Misaki is not like other girls. She has an eyepatch, she’s grieving AND she’s an introvert. I like to joke about it but that, too, works. That weird kid in class who’s silent and has multiple traumas exists in real life, and it didn’t feel exaggerated when it came to Misaki, to me at least. In my opinion a small flaw of the anime is that it made her look too stand-offish and ghostly, whereas the novel (the french edition of which doesn’t have illustrations) would have you think she looks pretty normal, and the eyepatch is what’s weird. She’s pale but “I have pretty skin and I’m japanese” pale, not “my skin colour is #FFFFFF” anime pale. Either way, since he’s a NEEEERD, of course Sakakibara would get kind of a 👉👈 crush on the introverted girl who doesn’t get along with the mean girls he worries about.
So yes, it’s all solid in my opinion. So are the story and its twists. Knowing them ahead of time was an experience to say the least... I wonder how I would have felt about the few clues that were scattered ahead of time if I didn’t already know what they meant. I think those were pretty clever, though.
By the almost-end-of-it, I became worried that the ending would be unsatisfactory, that there would be too many unfair deaths, but it didn’t feel like that in the end. Sure, one death I’m pretty frustrated about... But I think I always was, even when it was different in the anime. (Why am I going through the effort of making this spoilers free?) It was violent for sure, because it’s Another, duh, but it felt right enough, and I’m not worried about leaving Sakakibara and my other faves in this state of things.
Speaking of faves - from memory, in the anime, I loved Teshigawara and Akazawa. Of course Akazawa is out the window (laughs) (actually doesn’t laugh), and I still liked Teshigawara. Well, uh... There’s that one thing he did I still need to wrap my head around, but I think we can heal from that, apparently we can. Still, I was glad that he was still actually a cool character. Another character I don’t remember having strong feelings towards in the anime, but I actually liked a lot in the novel, was Mochizuki. Baby boy. Baby. Silly baby boy. Baby.
Uhm... Well, the only thing I actually missed was that one beach episode from the anime. It doesn’t exist in the novel, but I guess it goes hand in hand with Akazawa not being an important character. So though I loved the novel, the anime has that going for it for sure.
Yeah, both are great. The anime is an amazing memory from my childhood (yes, my childhood). It was my first anime ever and though it’s been a while now, I rewatched it many times. I’m sure it’s not the best anime ever or whatever... But I now know that it’s a great adaptation, and I cherish it either way. As for the novel, I seriously had a good time reading it. The protagonist is good. The other important characters are good as well. Reiko felt a little more special in the anime in my opinion... But Sakakibara’s point of view of her was valuable in the novel. The story is told well. I definitely recommend reading it.
Like I mentioned in some of my first posts, there are points in the first volume where I could tell the writing was adapted to teenagers. But first of all, if you’re reading this, there’s a good chance you’re a teenager anyway, isn’t there? Huh-uh. Well, I’m not anymore somehow, and I got used to it, especially as there was less and less small talk and the story was in motion. Those weird impressions I had that the french translators had struggled a little bit with translating some japanese speech-mannerisms had long left me by the second volume. And I think it’s interesting how Sei Hatsuno’s commentary mentions (yes, I’m coming back to that!) it being both a thriller and a teen story. You can’t really help it when the main characters are middle-schoolers, can you? But there’s a reason Another is such a classic even in spite of that.
I’m glad this story exists and is part of my life. It’ll always stay a classic to me, both anime and novel.
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When the Hourglass Runs Dry
well ok this was supposed to be for @ninjago-angst-week but considering i’m, like, a week late, i’ll just post it as a regular fic :)
angst week day 7- prompt: future
tw: death, suicide and suicidal themes / word count: 2057
Many years into the future, Pixal and Zane reflect on the past.
Death was always a fanatical topic at dinner tables, partly because each ninja tended to die rather frequently. It was always brought up in a joking manner (“I dunno, Cole’s died, like, four times at this point,” or “Zane, after Prime Empire, I don’t think you’ve died the most times now!”), and truthfully, it wasn’t really something the ninja had given much heavy consideration to in the past. They were always taught to avoid death- to cheat it- they were ninja; it was kind of their job to protect, which is something you can’t do if you’re dead. Plus, the point of existing is to stay alive for as long as you can, anyway.
It is really so unfortunate that death is not a fleeting matter, unlike youth. It is so, so sad that the inevitability of mortality affects everything.
Occasionally, in a fit of existential panic, Lloyd would remember that he was going to outlive Nya, Jay, Kai, and Cole by at least a few hundred years. But for now, while they were still teenagers, that wasn’t something for him to worry about. Zane and Pixal had told him it wasn’t something for him to worry about yet.
Then teenage years turned into the twenties, then twenties into thirties, and so forth- such is life.
Lloyd, Pixal, and Zane had to watch their friends grow old, to watch them age; to Lloyd, there was nothing more painful than the thought that they were all going to die and he still had a good portion of his life that he would have to live without them. But, hey- they had all made it into their seventies, which if you asked Lloyd when he was a teenager how long they would live to be, he would have set the bar a little lower.
But then Cole was diagnosed with the same illness that killed his mother when she was barely in her thirties, and the beloved team ninja was forced back into the reality that they were all going to die sooner or later, and it was probably going to be sooner.
“We made bets on who was going to die first, do you remember?” Kai had said after the former black ninja informed them of his diagnosis. Even though his tone was humorous, his wrinkles furrowed and his eyes drooped.
“Yeah, I think I said it would be you, dumbass,” Cole laughed, which promptly turned into a rattling cough.
“Ka-arma,” Jay smirked. Nya smacked him across the face.
And then Cole was dead within two weeks.
Then Kai, then Jay, then Nya, all only a few years later.
“They lived long lives, Lloyd,” Zane had mentioned one day. “I am so glad we were a part of them. We will see them again in due time.”
Lloyd prayed he was right.
***
Lloyd had made a comfortable living with Pixal and Zane. The three had moved out of Ninjago City, to a quiet and comfortable cottage near Ignacia, where they mostly kept to themselves.
They each tried at least once a month to all visit their friend’s graves, which was normally easier said than done. When they did go, they were alone- Lloyd liked to spend personal time with each of his friends, and he supposed Zane and Pixal had the same logic.
Years passed, and life droned on quietly. There were no new threats to the safety of the city, no new evils or big bads to defeat.
Lloyd began to age. Slowly, surely, but he was aging, and grew to look more and more like his father with each new wrinkle or sign of age, which was often the butt of Zane’s jokes.
Three hundred years later, and the three of them had shifted into a routine with a strong sense of normalcy. It was nice.
It was very nice, actually, Lloyd had decided. He no longer had to worry about people in his life leaving him.
But at four hundred years, he began to worry about his leaving of Zane and Pixal. Wu has lived to be nearly five hundred and thirty years old, but as Lloyd only had a fraction of the godlike blood that Wu had, he feared he would not last much longer.
Not only that, but Lloyd found himself getting much more tired and fatigued considerably more frequently.
The three always started out their mornings on the veranda of their cottage, talking and chatting about whatever subject was most relevant to their quaint lives.
“I’m very old now,” Lloyd had said one day.
“We all are, Lloyd,” Zane pointed out. Pixal lightly squeezed Zane’s hand as if to say really?
“When I die, what will happen to you all?”
Pixal whipped her head around to face the former green ninja and stared him in the eyes. “Do not talk like that, Lloyd,” she scolded. “Don’t worry about us. Don’t say that.”
That was the end of the matter, until Lloyd’s health only continued to decline.
By four hundred and twenty-three years old, Lloyd Montgomery Garmadon was practically bedridden, his extended longevity catching up to him.
He knew he didn’t have much longer on this earth.
Zane and Pixal has been taking care of him to the best of their ability, but death is unavoidable, even for the green ninja.
“I’m sorry,” Lloyd had managed one night, his voice raspy and weak.
“For what, Lloyd?” Zane gently raised the his torso and propped him up with a pillow.
“For leaving you and Pixal.”
“Do not be sorry, Lloyd,” Zane replied with a solemn tone. “Just say hello to our old friends, would you?”
A small tear rolled down Zane’s cheek and he held Lloyd’s hands. The nindroid was mostly sure the other boy had nodded.
Lloyd died peacefully in his sleep two nights later.
***
Zane and Pixal sat on the porch, just as they did every morning, admiring the birch trees and various wildlife, occasionally pointing at a deer or falcon or fox that happened to cross their vision.
It had been a mere three months since the green ninja’s death, with only the two nindroids left to keep each other company. But this morning, this morning was different- Zane was ‘in a funk,’ as Lloyd would have said, and the recollection of Lloyd’s funny vocabulary made Pixal laugh.
“What is funny, Pixal?”
“You seem weird today, that is all,” Pixal met his eyes, “as Lloyd would have said, ‘you are in a funk.’ Are you alright?”
“I’m splendid. In fact, I was thinking of fixing a cake in a minute. How does chocolate sound?”
“That sounds nice, Zane.”
Now Pixal knew something was definitely wrong- Zane only made cakes when something was bothering him.
But even as she watched Zane move inside to the kitchen and put on an apron, she began to think about the question that was heavy-set in her mind, as well.
How much longer of this?
They were nindroids. They could not die from natural causes- how many more years would she live to see?
Pixal, she mentally scolded herself, stop thinking like that. You’re being silly.
You’re being silly.
She stood from the rocking chair, collected herself, and went inside to help Zane- Pixal too found baking rather enjoyable.
Zane asked her to prepare some icing, so she fiddled with the sugar, cocoa, and milk, until she had a consistency presentable enough to self-proclaimed Master Chef Zane.
...which, naturally, there was an issue with.
“See, Pixal, you must add more powdered sugar than milk, that way it stays fluffy,” he dipped his finger into the mixture, “but it still tastes good.” With a swift motion, he scooped some more icing with his finger and smeared it on the girl’s nose.
“Zane!”
Through her frustration, she could not help but laugh, and thus a food fight broke out between them.
By the time they were through, an even layer of flour coated the kitchen counters and floor, cocoa stained on their garments, and icing was in every place imaginable.
Zane stood and helped Pixal to her feet and almost stood in awe of the impressive mess they had made.
Pixal hugged Zane, mostly in an effort to get his clothes significantly more adulterated than they already were. “I would have maybe expected this from Lloyd, not from you.”
The master of ice closed his eyes. “We should probably clean up.”
“Right,” Pixal shoved him playfully as she made her way to the cleaning supplies underneath the sink. She handed Zane a broom and kept a cloth for herself.
She picked up a photo frame that had been completely caked in flour and began to wipe it off. Underneath was a framed picture of her friends, some four hundred years ago, after some valiant battle.
She exhaled loud enough for Zane to notice.
“When will we see them again, Zane?”
“I- I am unsure,” he sighed, “I have been wondering the same.” He swept the flour into a neat little pile in the middle of the floor.
“You have?”
The nindroid looked lost in thought for a moment. “Yes,” he said decisively. “That is why I have been acting weird lately, I suppose.”
“Even though it’s been hundreds of years since their passing, I still miss them so, so much. Is that a bad thing?”
“Oh, Pixal, I hope not.”
The rest of the kitchen was cleaned in a thoughtful silence.
The cake was finished and set on the small dining table, with two rocking chairs on one half of the table and a third chair cast off to the side.
Zane sat down in a chair, and pulled the other out for Pixal to sit beside him. He cut the cake, his hands moving more clumsily than before- Pixal thought he seemed lost in his mind, and she would know- she’s been stuck there before. He carefully set a piece of cake on each plate.
“Of all the wonders that I yet have heard, it seems to me most strange that men should fear; seeing that death, a necessary end, will come when it will come.”
Pixal couldn’t help but laugh at Zane’s sudden use of Julius Caesar. “That is Shakespeare. Why quote it now?”
“Because it does not apply to us. We will not meet a necessary end.”
She tuned back down to her cake. “That is true.”
She poked at the chocolate for a moment before setting her fork back down. “What are you suggesting? I assume this has something to do with the conversation earlier.”
“I’m just saying I do not think we will ever see Cole, Kai, Nya, Lloyd, or Jay ever again by any natural means.”
Pixal considered his words for a moment before grabbing Zane’s hand. “I have an idea,” she said cautiously- it was risky, unsettling, and terrifying- “but only if you are totally sure about it.”
***
2 weeks since the cake baking incident and Zane and Pixal had finished eating all of the cake. Zane has immediately agreed to Pixal’s idea- he had been toying with the same idea for some time, too, he admitted.
[MANUAL SHUTDOWN DISABLED. OVERRIDE?]
Zane’s fingers wrapped around Pixal’s. The rocking chairs swept back and forth, a gentle sway, just as they had every morning, like this was some part of their routine.
Pixal looked to Zane, her voice barely above a whisper: “Are you sure you want to do this, Zane?”
The nindroid smiled softly. “They are waiting for us, Pixal,” he continued holding her hand, “I can’t wait to see them again.”
Pixal followed Zane’s gaze to the same framed photo sitting across from their chairs.
“I cannot wait either, Zane.”
There was a silence, but not the dreadful kind- the kind of silence that is warm, welcoming, and comfortable.
“I love you, Pixal.”
He gripped her hand tighter.
“I love you, Zane. So much.”
[OVERRIDE.]
***
Soft light cascaded through trees with golden leaves, and a small breeze gently rustled the leaves. The place seemed familiar, in a very distant way, but the two nindroids could not recall anytime they would have visited such a place with this ethereal beauty.
“You two are late,” a familiar voice sounded behind them.
The two turned around, hands still linked, to face their friends. Cole stood in the middle, a tender smile spreading across his face.
“We are here now, friends.”
#hooo boy finally finished super late#ninjago angst week#tw suicide#tw death#pixane#ninjago#lloyd#its angst but also got a pretty nice and tidy ending sooo#yeah <3#claire writes
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wtFOCK season 3, episode 5 reaction
This whole episode I kept doing that Marge Simpson groan. You know, the one that’s like tight-lipped and this low, exasperated mmm from deep in the throat? That was me constantly.
Episode 5
Clip 1 - Jens gives Robbe sex advice
Robbe texts his mom and says to her he can’t visit, lying that it’s because he’s sick. One repeated element that does exist in this season is Robbe listening to music on his headphones, which is him retreating into himself, or using music to cope. The song lyrics reflect that: “I used to feel so alone, now I’m feeling better on my own.”
Since I’ve been trying to think of ways to rewrite this season, they could expand Robbe using music as a coping strategy even further. Music should have been something that Robbe bonds with Sander over. And not just Sander’s recommendation of Bowie, either, which is all they’ve done so far - it seems like Robbe should give recs or insight as well. Talk about how important music is to him with Sander. Make it a serious point in their developing relationship.
Jens skates up and talks to Robbe. Robbe wants to get high, but Jens doesn’t have weed with him at the moment. He asks Robbe if he’s thought about the Brrrothers, because they’re not the same without Robbe. Robbe snaps and turns away from him, then lies and says his bad mood is about Noor. Jens has already heard that they’re fighting.
Jens’ talk to Robbe, knowing that Noor wants to have sex and Robbe doesn’t, is actually pretty sweet. Even though he doesn’t understand the real reason why Robbe doesn’t want to, his talk is thoughtful and not shaming Robbe for being a nervous virgin, it’s considerate of him. Considering the Brrrothers have been obnoxious about sex and girls all season, this was a refreshing change. One question I do have is how Jens knew that Noor wanted sex and Robbe didn’t, but I guess it was implied that this explanation was part of the rumor mill.
Of course, the downside is that Jens’ advice prompts Robbe to text Noor about how he misses her and wants to meet up. Bad, Robbe! I don’t know if Jens’ talk encouraged Robbe to text her because Robbe was like “Yeah, I’m supposed to like Noor, better get back on that,” or because maybe he genuinely told himself, “I just don’t want to have sex with her because I’m nervous, yeah, that must be it,” and decided to just move forward with it.
I do like drama that comes from characters trying to be helpful but unintentionally saying or doing the wrong thing - that’s what happens in the locker room scene with Isak and Even. When Isak says he’s better off without mentally ill people in his life, he’s telling Even this as a way of saying that his mother won’t cause problems for them, he doesn’t care what she’ll think of them dating. So taken on its own, I think this scene is fine.
HOWEVER. The pacing of this season is again, SO SO weird, because this scene would have fit right in around episodes 2-3? Right after Robbe tried and failed to have sex with Noor, you know ... the first time? Or the second, or the third? Like … have it be in line with Isak’s episode 3 sexuality crisis, all the “why does he have to be so gay” stuff. It would’ve worked well to have this talk at like, the beginning of episode 3, and then have Robbe making the “that guy is so gay” comment as an unintentional result of this - by trying to convince himself he is just straight and nervous and distancing himself from being gay. We had three entire scenes of Robbe failing to fuck Noor, so narratively, why did we need to wait this long for Jens to talk to him about it?
Clip 2 - AGAIN?
Robbe invites Noor over to bone. He’s lit about a million candles and is trying to make this a big romantic deal, except lmao, he has on David Bowie’s Life on Mars … Robbe … what u doing…
Actually, I’m not sure if this is diegetic music or not, if Robbe is blasting Bowie from his phone as mood music or if he’s only hearing this song inside his head. I think we’re definitely meant to take away that Robbe is hearing the song since it gets distorted as he slinks down Noor’s body, and that it’s not just there for the audience. In either case, Sander is supposedly the shadow hanging over this sad hetero affair.
Tbh listening to Life on Mars is the best part of this season and I wish I could just like … listen to this song play against a black screen instead of watching poorly written, repetitive clips.
They start to get it on and he takes off her shirt, unhooks her bra, yadda yadda, he doesn’t look happy but he soldiers on and it’s implied they went All The Way. On the one hand, I will rage if they actually had sex. On the other hand, if they don’t, it’s yet another clip where the same shit happens, Robbe tries to bang Noor and fails..
Clip 3 - Robbe’s not turned on by Noor and this is BRAND NEW INFORMATION
… okay, so he didn’t have sex with her AGAIN? He couldn’t get it up?
For fuck’s sake. I mean, on the one hand I’m glad it was actually Robbe’s choice (apparently) to put a stop to the sex instead of like, someone else walking in and interrupting yet again, but on the other hand, I feel like we have done this scene SO MUCH. We KNOW. About the only thing that’s changed I guess is that Robbe kissed a boy and now he’s trying to be straight? If this was only like the second time this scene had happened, it would have been fine.
I just don’t have a coherent idea of Robbe’s arc. This season is going in circles.
Anyway, Robbe couldn’t get it up, Noor is sympathetic, she asks if it’s her, Robbe says she’s amazing, he looks sad and haunted blah blah we’ve already seen this play out.
Why were these separate clips? In the first clip, we have Robbe seemingly determined to have sex with Noor, and then in the second, he can’t get it up. So why not SHOW THE MOMENT OF CHANGE? Are these filmmakers on drugs? This is storytelling 101. Like there’s no reason to split up these clips except to cause a bit of anxiety if you happen to be able to watch the clips at the exact time they’re posted, and from a real-time perspective I get it, but that’s ineffective for the vast majority of people who will have to watch later and then will watch these two clips together at the same time. I mean, the fact that it’s not even 10 minutes in between clips … just SHOW THE WHOLE SCENE. Holy fuck. How are they this incompetent?
The pacing of the scenes themselves is so weird. So many of the clips are oddly short, we don’t NEED them to be split into parts. It makes me really appreciate Julie’s pacing: Skam S3 episodes had 4-6 clips each, and in those clips, we got rich scenes packed with details, often multi-tasking within different story threads. wtFOCK’s pacing is simplistic and choppy and unnecessary.
Clip 4 - Milan gives Robbe a pep talk
Robbe is Googling erectile dysfunction which is honestly kind of funny (but again, probably would have been a better fit for earlier in this season, before Robbe had already kissed a dude ...) Milan comes in wanting advice on two shirts, Robbe is annoyed.
Milan tries to get Robbe to talk to him. It takes some prodding (and I do like how Robbe is swiveling in his chair and not looking at Milan) but Robbe admits there’s a guy who likes him and, after Milan asks, admits that it’s mutual.
Tbh … I don’t find it so hard to believe that Robbe opened up to Milan even though they’re not anywhere as close as Eskild and Isak, because I do think another gay guy is a “safe” person to talk to about this situation and I can see Robbe doing it. What I do NOT get is why, here and now, Robbe is now openly admitting it. Why did we go from Robbe trying to fuck a girl and, before that, calling the boy he kissed a pervert and a homophobic slur, to admitting his attraction for a boy? Why the sudden turnaround? Based on the clips themselves, all we have to go off as a turning point is that he couldn’t fuck Noor, BUT this is nothing new for either Robbe and the audience, AND not being able to fuck a girl does not actually mean that Robbe would be able to fuck a guy, or that he’s into guys, and it especially doesn’t mean that Robbe would accept that he likes a guy. I mean, he’s Googling “erectile dysfunction” not “am I gay?” which tbh seems still more like denial than anything. He’s blaming his lack of arousal on a medical issue, not his sexuality.
This scene would feel more true to me if Robbe was like, downplaying his side of it, or playing it off as only Sander had feelings and it wasn’t requited. That’s more in line with the characterization we have just been given, that Robbe is denying his attraction to Sander.
Another way would be to not split up the sex clip and to show like, Robbe flashing back to his kiss with Sander while he’s making out with Noor, so we get that it’s not just that he’s not into Noor, it’s that he’s very into Sander, and we see him grudgingly admit to himself that yes, he’s attracted to Sander (at the very least.) which would make it believable that he admits it to Milan. Cause and effect, etc.
MIlan is like, are you so nervous to tell me you have a crush on another guy (...????? um, yes, Milan, you have to know it’s hard to come out???) but is pretty supportive and says Robbe’s lucky to have him, Milan would have wanted himself when he was going through this. Robbe is just like, I don’t know what I feel and I want everything to be normal, there’s too much shit going on right now. Milan says Robbe IS normal and he doesn’t want to bottle up who he is, the pressure will get too real and he’ll explode, he’ll hurt people. Robbe seems to take this advice seriously, so hopefully this scene will actually lead to cause + effect.
Again, this scene is fine on its own? There’s just something about the pacing of the season as a whole that feels strange.
I don’t know if this is supposed to be the equivalent of the Pride clip, because Robbe doesn’t say anything offensive and Milan didn’t get upset. Milan’s advice is good about not pushing away who you really are, but there’s nothing specifically confronting internalized homophobia, which Robbe desperately needs seeing as he’s had some extremely homophobic outbursts. I think it’s a shame to lose that part of the scene, because it’s got a very pointed and urgent message. (EDIT from the future: We got the Pride clip later in the episode, so that’s good.)
Clip 5 - Robbe tells Jens he likes someone else
Robbe is sitting on the sidelines listening to music again. Jens comes over and asks how things are, Robbe says he took his advice with Noor and Jens is happy that he’s a matchmaker. Robbe is like no, there’s someone else. He says he thought it would go away, but it didn’t.
For a moment it seems like this might be a sudden coming out scene, but Jens finally asks who it is and Robbe clams up and finds it hard to get out. Jens asks if she goes to their school. Robbe is saved by Moyo wanting to play a game against some guys.
This is some plausible conflict, at the very least, Robbe not being able to tell his friends that he’s into a guy. It would have been way better to focus on this instead of Robbe flinging a slur at Sander. Robbe’s friends seem like the clearest explanation for his internalized homophobia.
Now Jens needs to follow up on this development, or else turn in his Jonas card. Because there’s dropping the subject if he senses Robbe doesn’t want to tell him yet, and then there’s forgetting about the subject because Jens isn’t that engaged with what’s happening with Robbe, and unfortunately the latter vibe has come across far more than the first. Like why does it seem like Jens is always walking away?
Clip 6 - Robbe breaks up with Noor
Old Town Road is playing as Noor meets Robbe in a cafe. One thing I do notice is that there are a fair amount of gay musicians on the soundtrack this season, so that’s cool.
Robbe is stressed because we can tell he’s gonna try to break up with Noor. He doesn’t order anything to eat. Noor is sympathetic about him not getting it up with her, but Robbe says he needs some time for himself, he has so much shit on his mind. Noor says she can help with that, he’s like nah, Noor is crying and reaching for him desperately. He gets up and walks out.
L O L I heard all about how Robbe supposedly handled this better than Isak, and I mean … on the one hand, I certainly agree that he did Noor a solid by officially breaking up with her and not just running away from her in the hallway. But er ... first of all, Robbe went wayyyyyyyyy farther with Noor than Isak EVER did with Emma. Robbe and Noor had an actual relationship for what, a month? Isak and Emma made out twice and flirted a bit. They were not exclusively, seriously dating. So yeah, Noor is owed this breakup.
Second, Robbe still cheated on her with Sander before he broke up with her. The fact that they were naked while they made out in the pool frankly adds an on-screen sexual element to the cheating. And technically Isak making out with Even in the pool was not cheating … for sure it was a dick move to lead on Emma and then ditch her like that, I’m not going to say it was NBD, but like I said, they weren’t exclusively dating. I mean, in all my years of Skam fandom, it’s pretty rare that I’ve heard anyone refer to what Isak did as cheating - it’s usually talked about differently than Even cheating on Sonja. Robbe and Sander BOTH cheated on their girlfriends here.
Third, it’s nice he did this with Noor but lmao, kinda small potatoes considering what Robbe said to Sander.
Fourth, Robbe just gets up and leaves while she’s crying, lol. He let her order soup and then he ditched her! That’s cold as ice! Bro, you need to stick around until she tells you to leave, or you needed to pick a breakup location where both of you can leave ASAP without someone coming by with the meal you ordered.
And to be clear, I don’t think Robbe not handling this perfectly makes him a terrible person or anything. It’s more the comparison to Isak with how Isak is supposedly worse and Robbe is much nicer. Nah.
Sucks for Noor and all, but whyyyy are they making the Emma character so tragic and emphasizing this het relationship so much? We don’t even end the clip on Robbe’s POV. Because how he feels about this breakup doesn’t matter, I guess. Does he feel guilty? Free? Unsure? Conflicted? IDK because we close on her, not him! I’m sorry, but it’s not her season!
I mentioned this in an earlier reaction but I’m just super tired of gay storylines that have this intense focus on how much someone being gay hurts a straight person. I believe I mentioned Love, Victor as a prominent example, because Victor’s relationship with his girlfriend seemingly gets more screen time than the relationship with his actual male love interest. And I get why this storyline is relevant to a coming out arc, of course I do, but it really bugs me when the het relationship seems to overshadow the gay relationship, as it does here. At this point I feel like Robbe/Noor has been given equal plot relevance as Robbe/Sander, if not more, and that should not be the case. It’s not about shipping, it’s about wanting a story about a gay kid’s journey of self-acceptance to focus more on the life-changing love story that is the catalyst for embracing his sexuality, than the fake passion-less relationship that is doomed to failure that is just a momentary stumble in said journey of self-acceptance. There is no need to demonize Noor, but there is actually a middle ground between treating her with respect and empathy and making her the real victim of this story.
This narrative choice also does not exist in a vacuum. It is completely fair to be skeptical of the prioritization of a het relationship over a gay one. It’s fair to wonder why we’ve gotten multiple scenes of Robbe getting hot and heavy with a girl, why Robbe spends a pivotal clip being so sad about Noor that he doesn’t seem to really notice or care that he’s alone with the guy he supposedly likes.
I mean, fuck, Robbe seems more upset about hurting Noor’s feelings by breaking up with her for legitimate reasons than he does about hurting Sander’s feelings by calling him a f*g and accusing him of sexual assault.
Clip 7 - Robbe tries to speak with Sander
Robbe goes to school (not his school, Sander’s) and asks where the art room is. He’s in a way better mood, a spring in his step, but LMAO you better pray that Sander actually wants to talk to you rather than kick your ass or avoid you for all eternity because of what you said to him.
Sander is sketching a nude male model. Robbe seems happy just to see him. He walks away and goes to the bathroom, fixes his hair, stares in the mirror, takes a deep breath. Then he goes up to Sander after the bell rings. Robbe wants to talk, Sander is not having it and walks away. Robbe is sad, angsty music plays.
Uhhhhh, serves you right? No offense but I can’t even feel sad for Robbe in this scenario, because what he did crossed a line. Internalized homophobia is a hell of a drug, but there’s such a difference between Robbe just denying that the kiss meant anything or blaming it on being drunk or whatever, and essentially accusing Sander of sexual assault and calling him a slur. It’s not an ignorant mistake, it’s a malicious one. I feel bad that Robbe ever had such self-hatred that he made those comments in the first place and I certainly don’t hate him or think he should be forever alone, but it is 100% understandable why Sander would not want to speak to him after that.
Also, going up to Sander at his school was not the best move, because he’s basically ambushing him. Sander doesn’t have a choice whether to deal with Robbe in that moment. It would’ve been better if Robbe sent him some kind of apology text or voicemail first and left it up to Sander whether he wanted to meet. I get that’s not as good for televised dramaaaa, but it’s kinder to Sander. (And if Sander doesn’t respond, or if he’s blocked Robbe, well, those are just consequences of Robbe’s actions that he’ll have to live with.) EDIT: Robbe actually did contact Sander first via text, wanting to meet up so he could explain. That does make it somewhat better, although I still think he shouldn’t have approached him at school. If Sander doesn’t want to talk to you? Then give him space. Maybe he’ll be willing to hear you out in time, or maybe he’ll decide he’s better off without you, but Robbe’s the one who did something wrong and it’s not up to Robbe whether Sander forgives him.
Clip 8 - Robbe and Sander make up and kiss
Angsty music keeps playing as Robbe walks home. He sees a mom and her kids playing, more sadness presumably due to his own family troubles.
Sander has followed him and says he has five minutes. Robbe’s like “Why don’t you want to talk?” LMAO IDK ROBBE, WHAT COULD IT BE.
Robbe says he’s sorry and that he loves Sander. LMAO WHAT. Is this a nuance of translation where “I love you” isn’t as strong as it is in English? Are you kidding me?
First of all … he LOVES Sander when they’ve barely interacted? They’ve spoken only a handful of times. Hell, they only met in episode 3, and this is episode 5. It’s been like two weeks since they’ve met, and while I could buy that some ships fell in love in that short of time, this is sure as fuck not one of them.
Second … Robbe goes from shoving Sander and calling him horrible things and trying to fuck Noor, to professing his love for Sander, WITHIN DAYS? And this is the character who’s supposed to have a big coming out arc? What is nuance, what is good writing, what is a coherent idea of this character’s struggles with his sexuality and himself... The talk with Milan might convince Robbe to accept his feelings, but it would make way more sense if Robbe was more tentative about them. He doesn’t need to come out swinging the big epic declarations in order to accept his romantic interest in Sander.
Like this isn’t even based on what I personally think is believable for a romance, this is based on what wtFOCK has told me about this character! They made the choice to make him say more viciously homophobic things. They made the choice to have him go back to Noor and try to have sex with her for the millionth time.
I’m glad that Sander doesn’t buy the confession at first, at least.
Robbe says that he was really fucked up and hat Sander is the first dude. There is a cute moment where he’s like “that kiss (mimes fireworks)” but then things went Chernobyl. Would have been great if we saw exactly what made him go Chernobyl and make him regret the kiss. He says he’s sorry but asks for one more chance.
Sander steps in, leans in for a kiss. “What about Chernobyl?” “Fuck Chernobyl.” They kiss, it’s really sweet, but lol they’re kissing in public??? Robbe is ok with this?? I just have abso-fucking-lutely no idea where this kid’s head is. Like ... how is he so cool with this considering where he was just days ago? Apparently Robbe’s internalized homophobia was so extreme that he was all “get away from me f*g” toward Sander with no clear catalyst, but also not so extreme that it couldn’t be fixed with a pep talk from Milan? Okay!
This scene would have been totally fine if Robbe’s mistake was less cruel and amounted to blocking Sander or telling him to stay away or w/e. It doesn’t feel satisfying for what Robbe actually did say.
Also, sigh, because Sander did forgive Robbe just like that, and I don’t buy it. I mean, if anything, it makes me sad for Sander. I want to tell him that he deserves better. I suppose I can buy this as part of his fear that no one will ever love him, that he’s desperate to be accepted and loved and so is quick to forgive.
It would have made more sense for Robbe to have a longer period of self-reflection, have him come out to his friends, etc. and then reunite with Sander an episode or so later, similar to how Isak and Even reunited at the end of episode 7. Or to have Sander take some time before letting Robbe talk to him, during which Robbe works on his own issues.
Sander gets a call from Britt, which he ignores, saying Britt’s the past, he and Robbe are the future (as the song lyrics talk about the future and the past … they’re going pretty on the nose this season. Fine by me, OG was also on the nose.) Lmao but Robbe has no right to be upset about Britt after he explicitly told Sander to stay away. I mean, it’s dubious of Sander to keep dating her after cheating, but he also thought Robbe was no longer an option sooo don’t be surprised Sander is still with her, dude.
Sander goes to meet Britt, but not before some make outs, some handholding. I think their chemistry is good! It’s just that I don’t really buy the depth of this relationship. It legit makes me sad that these actors are getting served this half-assed material.
Clip 9 - Zoë gets a letter
Robbe goes home and gets a text from Sander, with a sketch of them, saying their kiss was Chernobyl. Well, that’s cute.
Milan is telling Zoë about seeing some straight-looking dude on the bus who melted when Milan looked at him. Robbe is in a good mood and is gonna do the cooking. Milan observes that he’s happy and asks if things went well with his (Robbe looks toward Zoë) “lovely girlfriend”. At least Milan covered for him! (EDIT from the future: Ahahaha, funny considering how casually people out Robbe this season...)
Robbe hands Zoë some mail that turns out to do with Viktor, the apparent Nikolai in this version, about the case going to court. She has to testify. She is upset and walks out of the kitchen.
I complained a bit about Zoë/Senne drama taking up time in Robbe’s season, but to be clear, I have no problem with them following up on this plot point from S2. It’s a hugely important story. But I also think it works best if you integrate it into Robbe’s story, by drawing a parallel to their situations, finding a common theme, etc. And it depends on whether Robbe’s story is otherwise satisfactory, because if the writing is pretty tight, I’m not really bothered by digressions in other characters’ subplots.
Clip 10 - Robbe and Sander get cozy
Oh hey, it’s the big cuddling clip! Robbe and Sander goof off, pillow fight, smoke a joint, make out. Mostly make out. Sander shows Robbe a sketch of him (Robbe) and implies how good it would look on a wall (big).
Robbe’s fave actor is Leonardo DiCaprio, because hasn’t Sander seen Romeo + Juliet? It’s fucking beautiful.
Man, on the one hand, sick Skam reference, and it’s just a simple, cute little nod to OG, not something complicated. I can dig that. But on the other hand, now I’m annoyed at how Isak got all of this beautiful development and watching R+J actually meant something for his character, and Robbe has absolutely nothing like that. Stuff like the fact it’s Robbe who likes R+J instead of Sander, WHICH IS FINE, but like … doesn’t say anything about Robbe’s view on masculinity or w/e, doesn’t do much for his characterization.
Sander takes pics of Robbe. Their chemistry is cute. Once again I despair at gifted actors being given subpar material leading up to this clip.
LMAO at them copying the dialogue from OG, Sander being all life is like a movie. Again, irrationally annoyed because this dialogue MEANT something to Even. Even was a huge film buff and an aspiring director. Sander hasn’t mentioned movies at all, he’s into art and David Bowie and photography. So why not have Sander quote some Bowie lyrics that explain his thoughts on life? Mention what art means to him? Personalize this dialogue so that it’s specific to Sander. Or, if you’re going to borrow this chunk of dialogue, at least establish Sander as a film enthusiast prior to this clip.
Also that Isak brought up the multiverse theory because he was smart and inquisitive, but I have no idea who the fuck Robbe is. Does this make sense with Robbe’s prior characterization? Shrug.
I do like the multiverse reference to Spider-Man because HELL YEAH Into the Spider-Verse!!! Fucking masterpiece! I could be watching that for the 20th time instead of the upcoming gay-bashing hate crime.
I do like Sander’s acting in this scene and his reaction, how the music (“Ocean Eyes”) stops when Sander starts talking about multiverse theory. His dialogue is a little different here than OG, about thinking about what he’s done and wondering why he thinks something, his thoughts never stop, which fits in with bipolar disorder.
Robbe notices he’s a little agitated, Sander says the only way to stop your thoughts is from dying. So I guess we’re putting in the suicidal thoughts in this version?
“Sometimes I forget how young you are.” Are they the same age in this version? Lmao. It’s a joke so it’s not a big deal.
Robbe starts kissing him and asks when Sander fell for him. Sander is like, before you! When Robbe was spraying the graffiti he knew Robbe was the one. Robbe is like … you were there??
I mean. this is cute and all, but doesn’t it kinda take away from later events, if Sander goes back to Britt, then like … knowing Sander has been Pining All Along should create way less doubt in Robbe’s mind? When Even went back to Sonja, there was room for actual doubt in Isak’s mind (and the audience’s) about the sincerity of Even’s feelings. I think people forgot that the “I saw you the first day of school” moment at the end of the season was a surprise. I was in the fandom and I don’t think a lot of people thought Even had fallen for Isak that early. So Robbe now knows that Sander fell for him well before they even talked, doesn’t that remove some of the tension about Sander’s motives? I suppose it depends on how the story goes from here, but if it’s similar to OG, then I think it slightly lessens the ambiguity and tension.
Also, another reason why it would have been good to actually see the graffiti scene play out in episode 1… and to see what Robbe tagged on the wall … come on. COME ONNNN. Let’s see what got Sander’s attention! Did Robbe create something funny or clever or insightful? Wouldn’t that have been a great detail to show their connection? This is basic storytelling, hello?
I guess if I’m being fair, we don’t know exactly what Even saw in Isak that first day of school, either. But then again, we didn’t see the first day of school in a clip, while we definitely saw the graffiti scene. Just a missed opportunity, IMO.
They kiss and Sander gets a text from Britt. According to Sander, he told Britt about him and Robbe, but she doesn’t believe him, which is what I assumed of Sonja too, btw. At least, that’s what I thought at Emma’s party where she initiated the kiss with Even. Sander says Britt is so controlling. Robbe seems uncertain.
Sander says there’s probably another universe where Sander is still with Britt, but he’s glad to be in this universe. I do like this part.
Clip 11 - Milan schools Robbe on Pride
Robbe’s alarm goes off in the morning. He smiles a bit, though, presumably because he’s got Sander in his life. He gets a good morning text from Sander, which is cute and makes him smile more. Goes into the bathroom and Milan is there. Sander texts Robbe that he’s been thinking about him in all universes, Robbe is happy.
Milan is like, when can I meet your boyfriend??? Robbe says soon. Awww, this interaction is pretty sweet. Milan is like, welcome to the club! You know, “our” club meaning dudes who like dudes.
Robbe is like, just because I’m with Sander doesn’t mean I belong to some club, I’m not like you. Milan is like … and how am I? Robbe gives the usual Isak-ish response of dressing up and talking about BJs, Milan gets upset. Robbe says there’s nothing wrong with being gay but when people think of being gay, they think of that and it’s not fair to those who aren’t like that. Robbe’s not going to put on leather pants and dance at pride just because he likes Sander!
Milan gets very upset and goes into the Pride speech. I always appreciate this scene and I’m grateful that it’s one thing the remakes don’t really fuck with, since it’s so important (I think the remakes all recognize that it’s amazing, heh).
Senne wanting to use the bathroom is kind of a jarring thing, they should’ve just let the moment sink in.
Robbe takes a Good Hard Look at himself in the mirror which is on the nose but like, better than nothing. I think there was a mirror earlier in the season? I confess that I’m so hung up on the basic writing fumbles that I might be missing stuff that’s actually supposed to be symbolic.
Anyway, all things considered, I think they did fine with this clip. Robbe coming out to Milan earlier in the episode did help pave the way for this talk since they didn’t have the close relationship as Isak and Eskild. Like, any issues I might have with it are related to the bigger issues in the season, but on its own, I felt like it was decent, and the “welcome to the club” comment is something I can believe Milan would say and something that would make Robbe reply with a boneheaded comment.
Clip 12 - This fucking scene
Robbe and Sander flirt in a bar and get touchy-feely with each other. For some baffling choice, we start with some rap/hip-hop song and then it cuts to “Two Men In Love” by The Irrepressibles … like … you could just start the clip with that song instead of this weird non-transition?
They kiss and then move outside the bar and then kiss and cuddle some more (again … I ask, where did Robbe’s boldness with gay PDA come from ...) Robbe jumps on Sander for a piggyback ride. They kiss passionately in the street.
Ahahahahahahahahah HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAA FUCK YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
Some homophobes spot them and call them slurs. Robbe and Sander try to grab their bikes and quickly leave. The bigots manage to grab them and beat the shit out of them. It’s really brutal, like we get POV shots from the ground as the guys kick them. The guys call them f****ts once more before leaving Robbe and Sander crumpled on the ground in the fetal position. The wheels on the bike go round and round.
I mean … where do you even start.
OK, I’ll start here: worst decision made in a Skam S3 remake yet.
“Yeah, Skam season 3 was a masterpiece and all, but you know what I could have used more of? Violent gay-bashing,” said no one ever.
I don’t get triggered by media, not really, but boy am I glad I was spoiled for this. Because I do get fucking angry at media. And I’m angry now, but if I was watching this unspoiled? Man, I would’ve popped a couple of blood vessels. And I feel so, so sorry for people who watched this unprepared and were triggered. Because yeah, it is a remake and not 100% like the original, you can’t predict everything that will happen. But this isn’t something that you expect in S3, because you expect the writers to know enough to leave this shit out. This isn’t made with kind intentions for the audience, it’s made for shock value.
Consider that the WHOLE POINT of this very, very short clip is the hate crime, btw. It’s like two minutes long! They dropped a clip just for a cute kissing montage and then to interrupt it with a brutal beating! Something about that makes it even more repugnant than if it were like … a long involved scene about something else, and this happened. IDK, something about it feels even more tasteless, like this beating is their cinematic setpiece.
The first-person POV of the beating = not necessary. Like of ALL the fucking times in your season to actually give a shit about the importance of POV, lmao. This isn’t a video game. I’m not shooting zombies or getting jumped by bandits.
Remember when Skam faded to black on Noora’s blackout? And cut away from Even walking naked out of the hotel? Yeah, there are plot and POV reasons for those, but they were also ways to respect the audience and not include pointlessly triggering, exploitative material.
There’s just so much to say about this bad choice that I’m at a loss. Why did we need to go here? In particular, why did we need to go here knowing how the rest of the season plays out? Because for me, that’s what clinches this as a terrible decision. This isn’t a shitty scene with a satisfying follow-up. The resolution - or non-resolution, as it turns out - of this plot development is what exposes wtFOCK’s true character.
There is an AMAZING Evak vid set to Two Men In Love and I recommend you watch it to get the bad taste out of your mouth from this scene.
HOW I WOULD REWRITE THIS EPISODE:
Sigh.
This is just textbook bad writing for coming out stories, not to mention packed full of tired cliches.
Closeted gay guy is violently homophobic (Robbe calls his love interest homophobic slurs and accuses him of being a pervert) - I’m sorry but I am so tired of the “dating your bully” trope and this is what it fell into for me. Why should Sander take back Robbe after that? After Sander told Robbe he was afraid no one would ever love him?
Gay-bashing For The Drama, to make sure you know homophobia is bad, really bad.
Overemphasis on the heterosexual love interest (“love interest”) and how it’s hurtful to her, like I get that it’s a delicate topic with not demonizing her, but I always feel like there is SO much interest on straight characters in these stories! It’s not about them!
The hate crime has to go. Really. What is even the POINT of it in this particular story? As if there wasn’t enough angst in S3? Especially if you consider: they wasted a few episodes on repetitive nonsense. Their pacing is fucked up. And now you have to insert this monumentally offensive storyline and its fallout into a season already full of problems? Next.
Okay, I will offer ONE way to incorporate the hate crime, and that is simple: Make the rest of the season about the fallout. Similar to Noora’s season with her assault, dive deep into the trauma, spend a few episodes with Robbe and Sander recovering, telling their friends about it, going to the police about it. Cut back on other drama from S3. Don’t fuck around with Sander going back to Britt, unless you tie it in directly to him being afraid to date a guy after the hate crime. Don’t fuck around with Noor outing Robbe considering he has enough shit on his plate. If you want to bring her back, make her support him through the trauma. Honestly? Don’t fuck around with the hotel incident. Like I truly hate to lose Sander’s mental illness as a vital part of the season, but adding a full-blown manic episode on top of gay-bashing is way too much misery porn. I think you could probably show how the hate crime and resulting trauma affect Sander’s mental state without pushing it into full-blown wandering the streets naked while manic.
Do I particularly like this plot? I mean, no, not compared to the original, and I feel like this is better off as its own thing rather than a S3 adaptation. But at the very least, I can see the attempt to take the hate crime seriously. You cannot just throw in this type of scenario to shake things up and leave it at that. This show is specifically made for teenagers, to take their struggles seriously and to give them positive examples of how to handle problems. If you prioritize the violent act itself because it’s dramatic and shocking, rather than the recovery (because that’s like, boring and uninteresting, amirite), then you’ve shown your ass. You don’t understand the purpose or the appeal of Skam in the first place.
Jumping ahead, I think this is exactly where wtFOCK exposes its true intentions. wtFOCK does not care about helping vulnerable teenagers find solutions to tough problems. wtFOCK does not care about healing or educating. wtFOCK is about shaking the audience so hard that viewers get whiplash. If wtFOCK gave a shit about helping the audience, the rest of the season would focus on Robbe and Sander dealing with the assault, giving them options to report it, showing them ways to cope with the trauma. Things that might help audience members who unfortunately also found themselves victims of hate crimes or homophobic violence. Those are not present in the rest of the season. It’s just a fucking soap opera.
If you MUST have a homophobic incident to go with your dark ‘n’ edgy season, you can still limit it to some assholes yelling homophobic slurs without resorting to violence. That’s bad enough, and it did happen to Isak and Even later in the series. Even if you decide you MUST have a violent angle to this incident for whatever reason, I don’t fucking know why but OK, you don’t need to film it in this super exploitative manner where our heroes are getting viciously beaten on the ground. But there are so many ways to incorporate external homophobia without this shit.
Wouldn’t this dreadful scene make more sense at least if it had happened after the pool kiss? Like they go out a few days later, the hate crime happens, and then THAT’s why Robbe pushes away Sander and calls him names? Because now he’s afraid and he’s internalized what the bigots said? It’s tragic and gross, but at least there’s some character-driven logic in that sequence of events.
Another thing that really doesn’t work is that they’re straying so far from the original script, but at the same time they keep jamming in scenes from the original, except there isn’t the same buildup. Or any buildup, sometimes. This results in an incoherent mess of a season and of a POV character, where Robbe is part-Robbe, part-Isak.
I think all the remakes do this to a degree: there are certain beats they feel they must hit, and they hit them even though they’re off course. You need to commit either to doing a mostly faithful adaptation of the original, or to doing a remake with your own spin on the characters, but you need to be very, very careful not to just haplessly mix ‘n’ match the two. Does a scene from OG make sense within this remake universe? No? Then drop it, rewrite it, do what you need to do, just don’t carelessly recreate it if it doesn’t fit.
The way they’re writing Jens is bizarre because he seems to care enough about Robbe to ask him how he’s doing, but also not care enough to stick around and listen once the next shiny thing comes along. From the beginning they’ve set up the friendship tension with the boy squad as not just Robbe’s fault, but as a failure of his friends to pay attention as well. Like in the first episode Robbe is trying to talk to them and they just ditch him! They really need to make Jens more aware of how he himself has messed up with his friend, and not act like this is all Robbe’s doing.
We don’t need another Noor blue balls scene, thank you, bye. But if we keep this one, then we absolutely needed to see what exactly made Robbe stop in the act of sex with her, such as him flashing back to his kiss with Sander. Or even just letting us see him make the decision, because goddamn, what’s with wtFOCK not letting this young actor actually act out some of the meatiest material?
Overall, give Robbe more baby steps in his personal development, and not unbelievable leaps and changes in his behavior because the plot demands them.
I did try to think of a way to incorporate much of the same material from this week, including a hate crime, in a way that made more sense and was not ridiculously OTT or offensive. It’s hard because I really think you need to go back to the beginning of the season, but here’s what I came up with, borrowing some elements from the last episode as well.
Robbe wakes up the night after kissing Sander. He’s happy and glowing, he sees a cute text from Sander and smiles. Then he goes to the kitchen and Milan is there with a black eye or something, he’s talking to Zoë and Senne, maybe they’re tending to his injuries. Robbe asks what happened. Milan had a date last night and some homophobes started giving them a hard time, Milan wasn’t having it, punches were thrown. Milan is very shaken and upset. So is Robbe, who panics. Is this what he has to look forward to if he’s dating a gay? Will people harass him just for being out with his boyfriend? The implications of what it means to be a gay person in this world hit him really hard. He looks at Sander’s text again and ignores him and possibly blocks him. At some point we will establish that Robbe is also ignoring texts/calls from everyone else, too: Noor, Jens, his mom...
Sander shows up the next day outside Robbe’s place after Robbe has been ignoring him. He tries to talk to Robbe, but Robbe is freaked out and visibly nervous, his eyes darting around - he’s paranoid now about being seen with Sander, due to Milan’s incident. He’s worried about being a target for homophobic violence, understandably so. Sander doesn’t realize that Robbe’s frightened, however, and keeps talking and being nice. Robbe tries to play off the other night as just him being drunk, it was a mistake. When Sander physically gets too close to Robbe, Robbe yells that he’s not gay and runs inside, leaving Sander alone.
Robbe encounters Milan at home alone. Milan is still bruised from the homophobic incident. Milan is unusually subdued. Robbe says he’s sorry for what happened to Milan, it’s terrible. Robbe then sticks his foot in his mouth by saying something well-intentioned but hurtful and ignorant about how maybe Milan shouldn’t be so gay in public or w/e, since that will just attract homophobes, and that not all gay people act like Milan (meaning flamboyant, etc.) Milan gets really, really upset and snaps at Robbe about how gay people have been beaten and killed for just being who they are - basically a version of the Pride speech with a somewhat different context - and that it takes bravery and strength, Robbe doesn’t know what the fuck he’s talking about. So that ends on a bad note for them.
Now trying to get out of the house since he’s fought with Milan, Robbe meets up with Jens, or maybe Jens finds him at the park or whatever. Jens comments on how it’s been a while since they’ve talked. Robbe says he was just worried about what the guys would say since he blew up at them previously. Jens is like, dude, we’re your friends. You have to talk to the people who care about you, you can’t just ghost them and avoid facing your problems. Robbe takes this advice to heart. Jens tells Robbe that he’s ready to listen when Robbe wants to talk. Maybe Robbe sees something that reminds him of Sander, like graffiti on a building, and despite his fears, we can see that he really misses Sander, and that his feelings for Sander are stronger than his fears.
Next he meets up with Noor. She’s really upset that he’s been ignoring her. He apologizes and a version of the breakup scene goes down. When Robbe leaves, we see him walk away with a conflicted expression. Sorry that he’s hurt Noor, but understanding that this was the right call, and relief that he doesn’t have to pretend any more.
Robbe sees Milan again and apologizes for what he said last time. Milan accepts his apology. Robbe admits that he’s been confused lately because he likes a guy and he doesn’t know what that makes him. Milan says something like that’s great Robbe likes a guy and that Robbe doesn’t need to label himself right now, he should just follow his heart. Maybe that liking boys is scary (Milan points to his black eye) and sometimes you need to be careful, but at the end of the day, Milan has to be himself and live his life honestly, and so does Robbe. After Milan leaves, Robbe takes out his phone and texts Sander saying he wants to talk.
Sander meets Robbe somewhere and Robbe apologizes for ignoring him, says he freaked out because that was the first time he kissed a guy, but now he’s made up his mind that he wants to be with Sander. They kiss and make up, yayyyyy.
This is by no means a perfect solution (like the thought of then going into the shit with Britt next episode on top of this makes my head hurt), this is just an attempt to include stuff like homophobic violence, Robbe’s ghosting Sander, scenes with Jens and Noor, etc. in a way that makes a little more linear sense to me and doesn’t feel as haphazard, and isn’t super triggering or exploitative. I think if you have a hate crime happening to Robbe himself, that really needs to be the main focus from here on out, for at least a few episodes; if you have something off-screen happening to another character, you can address the topic of violent homophobia without having it dominate the season or featuring triggering scenes. And hopefully it would still have some emotional impact, because we see how it affects Milan, and some clear consequences for character development, because we see how it affects Robbe, as the situation he may find himself in one day.
If I missed anything, cultural notes, translation nuances, let me know!
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Survey #348
“nothing will be free / nothing will be done / black out the sun”
Do you have any famous relatives? My third or so cousin is the author of Not Without My Daughter, but she's not like a smash hit or anything that most people know. I really do recommend the book, though. It's a long read, but a beautiful, true story.
Do you care about celebrity gossip? Nah.
Have you ever failed a science course in high school? No; I was very good at science.
What’s your favorite breakfast food? Cinnamon rolls.
Does your house have a basement? No. No house I've ever lived in has had one.
Do you like Hot Topic? Well duh.
Do you think imagination is valuable? VERY! Just imagine how many incredible things wouldn't exist without it.
What was your reaction to your first time falling in love? Unspeakably happy, and I felt like I was building a future with someone. I felt like I had purpose, which I should mention to anyone reading is a mindset to NEVER adopt. No one gives you purpose; you're born with it.
How much weight can you lift at once? Ha, not a lot.
When you have your own house someday, what color Christmas tree do you want and how will you decorate it? I want a black one with faux snow on the branches, then maybe red ornaments. Kinda look like blood dripping off. Sounds metal.
Name three YouTube channels you’ve been loving lately. Lately, John Wolfe, The Dark Den, and Aim To Head Mix.
Have you ever bought a designer purse? No.
Do you wear jewelry often? No.
What color was your senior prom dress? Black.
Are you colorblind? No.
Name the people you know who are colorblind. Jason's older brother is colorblind to two colors, but idr which.
Would you ever consider a career in writing? I'd love to.
What was your first favorite color? Red.
What do you think about horror movies? I love them.
If you love them, what’s your favorite? I really enjoy The Crazies and both The Blair Witch Project movies. Oh, and of course Silent Hill.
Got any cool Christmas presents picked out for family or friends yet? I don't have the money to get anyone presents... and while I sometimes get ideas about something I could make someone, then it wouldn't be fair to the rest of my family if I don't make them something, too.
What’s your favorite word and why? I really like the sound of "serendipity," as well as its meaning. It's just a pretty, nice word.
Do you like to do craft projects? If so, what’s the coolest thing you made? Not really... I think the coolest thing I made was when I put the clay heart I made in Art into a shadowbox, and a poem I wrote was in the background. It was a gift for Jason. I remember working really hard on the whole process and being really happy with it. I don't want to know what he's done with it since.
What’s one occupation you think gets paid too much and doesn’t deserve to? I don't know.
What’s something you are currently saving money for to buy? Everyone knows about Venus' terrarium by now...
Do you smoke/vape? If so, what brand do you smoke/what device do you use? No.
Ever done drugs? No.
Tell me one of your worst habits. Catastrophizing. I take a tiny seed of something potentially bad, and in seconds it's a damn redwood tree. And I do mean "in seconds."
What’s a weird quirk you have that no one else you know does? I don't know, I don't have any particularly unique ones, I think.
If you game, what type of headset do you use? I just use earbuds.
Do you think you would be a good therapist? You know, it's funny, I've actually pictured myself as one a few times, given my level of understanding and empathy for people, as well as how deeply I want to see others succeed and spread the word that recovery from things like depression is very possible. I've never truly entertained the thought, though, given I'm quite sure I legally couldn't be given my suicidal past and mental illnesses. There is also NO way I could listen to so many people's suffering and manage to stay healthy myself, so, no therapist position for me, thanks.
Have you ever been to a Chinatown? No.
Do you prefer chunky or creamy peanut butter? Creamy, 100%.
Do you stop to pick up heads-up pennies? No.
Do your pets have collars? Describe them: Roman has an adorable navy one with a bowtie.
Do you have any friends that speak any languages you don’t understand? Old friends, sure.
What is something you want to begin learning? I want to improve my ability to perform what in therapy is called "opposite action," where you do the opposite of what your depression (or other conditions) make you want to do. It always helps me feel good, like when I draw even when I don't initially feel like it, but it's rough to really force yourself to do it.
What is a food you find comforting when you are sad? Ice cream is my comfort food.
What is a quote you find comfort in? There are really a lot, but none come to mind immediately, gah.
What is one Tumblr blog you really appreciate? I actually haven't been on my main Tumblr in months, but oh my god there is a Markiplier blog called "lady-raziel" and she is FUCKING HYSTERICAL. The meme quality is A+.
What is a comfort movie/show for you? When I actually liked watching movies, I enjoyed watching Silent Hill when I was down. That whole franchise just makes me so happy.
What is a recent creative project that you are proud of? That I'm PROUD of, idk. I'm not that happy with the last drawing I made, and I haven't done any serious writing lately that I find noteworthy.
What is a video game that you find comforting? Shadow of the Colossus is probably #1. I find it so relaxing while equally epic as fuck. The soundtrack is to die for, and after playing it a billion times, it's pretty easy for me to kinda breeze through and just enjoy myself.
Do you know how to bake bread? If so, what is something you’ve baked recently? No.
Would you rather live in the mountains, city, beach, or the forest? THE MOUNTAINS!!! Particularly in the woods IN the mountains!
Are you closer to your mother’s or father’s side of the family? Mom's. I don't even remember anyone from Dad's.
Have you ever been in a “perfect relationship”? I thought so.
Have you ever lost a fingernail or toenail? No.
Were you a Disney or Nickelodeon kid? I preferred Disney.
Have you ever been inside a jail/prison? No, and I don't plan on it.
Have you ever dated a guy with a beard, mustache, or goatee? Jason had a goatee usually. He'd go clean-shaven sometimes.
Did you ever name your stuffed animals? I named every single one I got as a kid. Now I don't, really, unless they're really special.
What’s the name of the person who cuts your hair? I'd rather not share, given her name is very unique.
Do you like cheeseburgers? Yes, they're one of my favorite foods.
Do you have a Flickr? Yes, but I don't use it anymore.
Did you ever want to be a fashion designer? No.
Do you drink milk? Yeah, I love milk.
Where was your FB display pic taken? My room.
Have you ever burnt your tongue like REALLY bad? If so, what on? Yeah; white rice. My dumb ass didn't realize it had JUST come off the stove. My tongue hurt literally for weeks.
Have you ever gotten your legs waxed? No.
Do you own any CLOTHES from Victoria’s Secret? Er, are undergarments not clothes? But I know what you mean. No.
What are your grandfathers’ names? William and... I can't remember Dad's dad's name.
Have you ever seen a snake in real life? Well yeah.
Are you against seances? I don't know if I believe in them being effective, but either way, they seem like a bad idea. Even risking luring a negative energy/spirit to you is something I'd stay away from.
Do you own any superhero shirts? No, just Harley Quinn ones, some with the Joker on them, too. I need to toss 'em though because I am like, violently against romanticizing their abusive relationship. I used to just like them as a story character couple, but I got to a place where it just seemed... wrong to "glorify" it by wearing merch and stuff.
What band has the best guitar solos? Metallica, durrrr.
Who is the biggest jerk you’ve ever met? Can you believe that would be my former best friend?
Have you ever swerved off the road to avoid hitting an animal? I've never had an animal in my path.
Have you ever grown your own herbs? No.
Do you like kissing in public? If you're my serious s/o, I could care less, so long as it's a simple peck. I'm not making out in front of people.
Do you think someone has feelings for you? I don't know.
Do you want to be in a relationship this year? I don't know. I'm lonely and love feels amazing, but I need to get my life on track before I can be a good partner to someone and not just dead weight.
Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you? Huh, funny, he's the one that walked away.
How long can you just kiss until your hands start to wander? Uhhh that would depend on how serious we are, where we are, and just what mood I'm in.
What’s the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for you? ugh
What’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever done for someone? also ugh
What’s your dirtiest secret? TMI AHEAD. Probably receiving oral while bare-ass naked on the chaise in the living room while we were home alone. Or having sex in my sister’s bed. Oops.
Would you ever get lyrics tattooed on yourself? Yeah. I already do, anyway, and I plan on getting another.
Can you photoshop images well? I'm decent at it.
Where did you last drive to? Mom and I went to go get our Covid vaccines today.
What’s the first verse of the last song you listened to? "I don't know what we're supposed to be,
but I know we lost it along the way to something better,
something so much more than pleasure that we seek,
so blind inside to fill these holes left by these lies that we tell to ourselves
as we manufacture our own hell."
What do you hear right now? The aforementioned song: "BLACKOUT" by 3TEETH.
What was the last thing you laughed about? This is so fucking immature lmao but when we were driving earlier, we passed a gas station that had a sign that was advertising Coke, but due to space limitations, it abbreviated to "2 liter Cok" and I cackled like a child. Mom laughed harder than I did.
Do you know any gay people personally? Ye.
What was the last thing that startled you? I think it was a car hoonking at somebody the other day.
What was the last thing to make you even remotely sad? Today's been a kind of rough PTSD day thanks to Facebook. My old high school friend had her beautiful daughter, a childhood friend just got married the other day, another friend is due to have her baby in just a couple weeks... It's just weird but even more painful to know it was the life I once fantasized about with a guy that just dropped me and made a break for it. I hate admitting that there's this deep, deep bitterness in me about it, like he took my life away from me, even though that's of course very unfair to say. I don't want to talk about this anymore, so moving on with my day.
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Sleepover- Obey Me
Words- 3314
Sleepover shenanigans with MC and the demon brothers.
MC smirked as they finished brushing out their hair. An idea popped in their head. It was a great idea. A brilliant idea. An idea that would go down in history as one of the best. It outshone Issac Newton, Mozart, Osamu Dazai and Napoleon Bonaparte. MC grabbed their bag and headed to breakfast, preparing to propose their idea to the brothers.
“I just had the greatest thought!” They exclaimed walking into the dining room. The demon brothers looked up from what they were doing as the human walked in.
“This should be good,” Lucifer mumbled, setting down his coffee.
“We should have a sleepover. All of us, in the common room, blankets and pillows galore, snacks, movies, games, the lot!” They all looked at each other.
“You want to have a sleepover? We all live together. Aren’t we having a sleepover every night?” Satan asked. The others, except Asmo, nodded. Asmodues loved the idea.
“We could paint each other’s nails and do face masks! Oh what fun it would be! Come on guys! We don’t have much time with MC so let's spend it together!”
That was true. MC only had a couple months left in the Devildom before they had to go back to the human world. It has been a fun year so far. All of the drama had spiced up MC’s life. They wished they could spend the rest of their life with the brothers.
The brothers looked around at each other with sad faces. One by one they agreed.
“I’ll come if there is a lot of food.” Beelzebub was the first to agree. MC smiled and nodded.
“We will go buy a bunch of snacks and I’ll ask Barbatos to make some sweets.” Beelzebub’s face lit up as he nodded,
“I guess…if Beel’s going, ill go.” Belphie faked reluctance. MC had grown to know that Belphie often used Beel as an excuse to join along and make it seem like he didn’t really care. In reality, he really wanted to join.
“I’ll hafta come to supervise all of them. You’re my human, they can’t get close to ya.” Mammon crossed his arms.
“Sure thing. Levi, Lucifer, Satan? Are you guys joining us?”
“Leviathan, you can defeat us all at some of your games if you join!” Asmodues bribed his older brother. Levi looked up and sighed.
“Sure. Ill bring the games.” MC jumped, cheering before turning to the last two brothers.
“I’ll join you.” Satan smiled at MC. They reciprocated the smile as the fourth born’s smile was hard not too. Everyone turned to look at Lucifer.
“I have so much work to do. You guys have fun.” Lucifer stood up and walked out, heading to RAD. MC pouted as he walked out.
“He’s a buzz kill. We will have so much fun without him,” Mammon said walking up, putting an arm around MC’s shoulders. MC looked at the demon in thought.
“I think I know how to get Lucifer to join. Leave it to me!”
Throughout the school day, MC planned their approach to getting Lucifer to join them. They knew exactly who to go to. At the end of the day, MC ran off before any of the brothers saw them. They texted the brothers to gather all of the blankets and pillows and bring them to the common room. They also sent Beelzebub and Belphie to the store to get snacks and drinks.
Mc knocked on the large doors, waiting for someone to open them. The small black and blue haired demon opened the door.
“MC! What brings you here?” Barbatos asked. MC smiled at him.
“Two favors. One from you and one from Lord Diavolo.” Barbatos let the human in.
“What do you need?”
“Well, the brothers and I are having a sleepover and I was wondering if I could persuade you into making some sweets for it? You have the best sweets!” Barbatos smiled and nodded his head.
“I will. I’ll make extra so Beelzebub doesn’t eat them all. Follow me and I'll take you to Lord Diavolo.”
They walked farther into the large house. Their shoes clicking on the tile floor. Barbatos led to Diavolo’s office. He knocked on the door before opening it.
“My lord, MC is here to see you.” We walked in. Diavolo looked up from the papers he was writing on.
“MC! How have you been? Is there something I can help you with?”
MC smirked evilly. The two demons shared a look when they saw their expression. MC walked forward and sat down across from Diavolo as Barbatos left the room, mentioning he had sweets to make.
“The brothers and I are planning a sleepover. I should say six of the brothers. We have a stubborn older demon who is using work to avoid it. I was wondering, as you're close to him, if you could help me convince him to join us.” Diavolo let out a loud laugh.
“Of course, my dear. Lucifer is stopping by. He was supposed to grab things to work on but I’ll let him know he has been cleared of his work tonight.”
“Thank you. I can’t complete the evil dare, I had come up with if Lucifer isn't there.” Diavolo raised an eyebrow, smirking.
“What is it?” MC leaned forward and whispered the dare to the Lord, who almost fell out of his chair from laughing.
“Take pictures and send them to me please.” MC smiled and nodded.
“Will do.” They talked a little while longer before the Avatar of Pride showed up. He eyed MC instantly.
“What are you doing here, MC?” They only smiled innocently. His eyes shifted to Diavolo.
“Lucifer! Welcome! What brings you here?” Diavolo smiled widely. Lucifer was on edge. Something was up.
“You told me to come get paperwork.” Lucifer’s voice was quiet and unsure as he kept his guard up. Diavolo’s smile widened even farther, if that was even possible.
“It’s already done.” He winked at MC. They smirked before smiling at Lucifer.
“Oh, his work is done? Does that mean he can join us?” Lucifer’s eyes widened as he looked at MC and then back at Diavolo.
“No. I got-”
“Yep! He is all free to join you guys in the sleep over.”
MC cheered, clapping their hands. Lucifer looked terrified.
“My Lord, why-”
“You need to take a break, Lucifer. Spend time with your brothers and MC.”
MC nodded agreeing with Diavolo. “I agree. You’re not getting out of this, Lucy!”
Diavolo nodded. The two stared at the demon who looked between the two of them before sighing defeatedly.
“Fine. Let’s go, MC.”
MC stood up and extended a hand towards Diavolo. “Pleasure doing business with you.” Diavolo shook MC’s hand.
“Pleasures all mine.”
MC turned and walked towards Lucifer who glared at them. They smirked at him and headed towards the door. “You coming, Lucifer? The others are setting up the common room.”
The two walked out of the room and towards the front door.
“Did you have to bring him into this?” Lucifer asked.
“I did.” MC hummed. “Look Lucifer, I only have a little bit of time left here and I want to spend it with all of you. You guys are my second family. Can you blame me for wanting you there?”
“No, I can’t. You could have just talked to me one on one.”
“But thats no fun. Plus I had to come talk to Barb. Speaking of which, where is he?” MC steered off course. Lucifer grabbed their arm.
“The kitchen is this way.”
“I knew that.” MC turned and walked the right way this time.
After checking in on Barbatos and seeing when he would bring everything over, the two walked back to the House of Lamentation. The brothers had set up a large bed on the floor, piled with pillows and blankets. There was a table with all sorts of snacks and coolers of drinks beside them. Leviathan had set up a gaming system with a stack of games next to it. They all had brought down movies to watch and had changed into their pajamas.
“Lucifer?” Asmodues looked over as the two entered. MC smiled.
“I got him to join us! We’ll go change quickly. Set up a game or something.” MC pushed Lucifer out the door and towards the stairs. They changed quickly and went back to the common room. They had Mario Kart loading. MC ran over and snuggled between Belphie and Satan. Lucifer sat next to Beelzebub on the end who was snacking on some chips. He leaned over and grabbed a handful. Beel looked between the bag and Lucifer’s hand.
“Do you want a bowl?” He asked. Lucifer shook his head.
“I’m fine with this. Thank you though. Who's up first?” Lucifer asked as Leviathan handed out remotes.
“We all can play. I have enough remotes.” MC grabbed the remote from his hand.
“I’m going to crush you all.” They played multiple rounds. In the end, MC did not crush them all. They only crushed Belphie who was lazily playing and Mammon who sucked at the game. Leviathan came in first, Asmo in second, Satan in third, Lucifer in fourth, Beelzebub in fifth, MC in sixth, Belphie in seventh and Mammon in eighth. Satan did rub it in Lucifer’s face that he scored higher.
They played a couple more rounds before switching to boards games. That didn’t end well as Satan threw a fit and crushed the Monopoly board when he went to jail for the third time in the row. We all stared with wide eyes as he ripped the board in half with his teeth. He calmed down, board still in his mouth. Satan looked down at the board in hand, spitting out the other piece. He sighed, pulling out his wallet and handing Lucifer money.
“I’m sorry. I don’t know whose game it was but here is money to replace it.” They decided to move on from board games to truth or dare. Just as they got settled in a circle, there was a knock on the door.
“That must be Barbatos with the sweets.” MC got up and opened the door, Barbatos and Diavolo stood there with trays of different baked goods. MC smiled. “Yay! Thank you.”
They let them in. Diavolo smirked at Lucifer who glared back. “You having fun Lucifer?”
“So much fun.”
“Oh, shush, you are loving spending time with us,” Asmo said, draping himself over Lucifer’s lap.
“Get off me Asmo.” The lusty demon shook his head.
“No.” The two of them left as Beelzebub shot over to the sweets and started piling up a plate. We all followed suit, grabbing what we wanted before sitting back down.
“Let's play truth or dare with punishments! If you don’t want to do what the truth or dare is, the others can make up a punishment.” MC suggested. They all agreed.
“I’ll go first!” Amso sat up, almost spilling his plate. “Lucifer, truth or dare?”
“Dare. I am not a pussy.” MC choked on their cupcake, shocked at his use of a vulgar word.
“Sorry. Continue.” They took a giant drink of their soda.
Asmo smirked. “I dare you call Simeon and act like a mob boss. If not… brush your teeth with a pickle and mustard for toothpaste.”
Mammon gagged while Beelzebub’s head shot up. “We have pickles?” We ignored him.
Lucifer sighed, setting down his fork and pulled out his D.D.D. He called Simeon and put it on speaker. The angel answered after a couple of rings.
“Lucifer? What’s up?” Lucifer cleared his throat.
“Listen, boy and listen well. You need to put the money in the safe spot now. I ain’t messing around. You hear me?”
“What are you talking about?” They all were holding back laughter at Lucifer's impression of a mob boss. He even changed his accent.
“Don’t fuck around with me. You give me the money or you're done. Zip. Dead. Next I’ll send men to Sheila, You want her dead too?” Mammon fell over backwards, holding his stomach in silent laughter.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about. Who is Sheila? Are you feeling alright?”
“Bruce, don’t lie to me. I know you got the money. David told me. Not give me the money or a bullet goes in your brain.” He hung up the phone and they all died laughing. Lucifer’s shoulders shook as he tried his damndest to hold back the laugh building up in his chest.
After they all calmed down, Lucifer looked around the room. “Leviathan, truth or dare.”
“Truth.”
“Scaredy cat.” Mammon tossed a pillow at the Otaku.
“I’m not changing it.”
Lucifer clicked his tongue. “I had a dare but not a truth. Um, I guess... who is your favorite brother? I know it sucks,”
“Obviously me,” Asmo exclaimed. Leviathan looked between his brothers.
“Belphie because he is the least annoying and he plays video games with me.” The sleep demon looked up and smirked at the others.
“Ha! I’m his favorite.” He stuck out his tongue.
Asmo jutted out his bottom lip. “I’m still better looking.”
“Satan, truth or dare?”
The blonde thought. “Dare. Give me the best you got.”
“I dare you to sit on Lucifer’s lap for 5 turns or you can call up Diavolo and explain to him why you see him as a father figure and call Lucifer your dad too.” Satan’s face went red as his dare and punishment was told.
“Lucifer and Diavolo aren’t my dads, you piece of shit.” He got up and stomped over, plopping down on his older brother’s lap. “Beelzebub, truth or dare?”
“Dare.”
“I dare you to sniff Mammon’s armpits and explain the smell without using the words dirty, gross, sweat, feet or asshole. If you don’t, then you have to call up a random person and break up with them.”
Beelzebub scrunched up his nose and pulled out his phone, typing a random number in. It rang a couple of minutes before a small voice answered.
“Hewwo?” It sounded like a child. They all looked confused.
“Is this the owner of the phone?” Beel asked softly.
“No, dis is my momma’s phone.”
“Can you hand the phone to her?” Movement could be heard from the other line.
“Mama, some guy is on the phone for you!” More movement occured before another voice came through.
“Hello?” This time a woman’s voice came through.
“Hey it's...Jeff.” Belphie snorted at the name choice.
“I don't-”
“Just listen okay? I’m sorry to do this but I think we should break up. You can keep the kids and I’ll take the fridge. That sounds like a fair trade. I’m sorry to do this but i think it's for the best. After everything that happened with Gloria, I just don’t feel like we are connecting.” The line was silent before the woman spoke.
“Okay…do you want the freezer too?” Mammon bursted out laughing.
“Yes, that would be appreciated. I’ll be there to pick them up on February 30th.” Beelzebub hung up and they all joined Mammon in laughing.
“SHE WENT ALONG WITH IT!” Leviathan screamed in between laughs.
“MC, truth or dare?” Beelzebub asked after everyone calmed down. MC smirked. It was almost time.
“Dare.”
“If you don’t do this dare you have to lick peanut butter off of Asmo’s choice of person and part. The dare is reach out blindly and whoever you touch first, you have to kiss where you touched.” MC raised an eyebrow.
“Getting dirty huh? Everyone line up.” They all stood up and got in line. MC reached out blindly, keeping their arms up high for a better chance. Their hand came in contact with skin. Opening their eyes, they were met with their hand around Mammon’s neck.
“Ooh, take it to a bedroom, you two,” Asmo teased. Mammon’s eyes were wide. MC could feel him swallow. MC removed their hand and quickly pecked his adams apple. Mammon’s cheeks turned red.
“Okay, done!” Everyone sat back down. Satan grumbled as he had to sit back down in Lucifer’s lap.
MC smirked, looking over at Lucifer. It was time. “Lucifer, truth or dare?” They secretly pulled out their D.D.D.
“Dare. Please dare me to kick Satan off my lap.”
“Nope. Your dare will get him off your lap for a bit. I dare you to hug all of your brothers and tell them something sweet, like I love you or I care for you. If not, you have to take a nude selfie and send it to Diavolo with a suggestive message.” The eldest brother’s eyes widened. MC’s smirk widened.
“Damn, MC,” Asmo breathed out. We all looked at Lucifer waiting for him to choose. He pushed Satan lightly.
“Do I have to say something individually or can I say something to all of them at the end?” MC thought.
“If you wait until the end, you have to say more than one thing. Your choice.”
“Get up.” Satan stood up, letting Lucifer up. Lucifer stood up and turned towards Satan. “Since you’re standing.” He wrapped his arms around Satan. The blonde stiffened noticeably.
“Hug him back!” Asmo squealed, standing up to place Satan’s arms around Lucifer. The blonde glared at his brother. The two pulled back a couple seconds later. “My turn!” Asmo flung himself into Lucifer’s arms.
Lucifer chuckled and hugged his younger brother. Asmo leaned up on his tiptoes to kiss his cheek when they pulled away. Next in line was Leviathan. Asmo and Satan pulled Leviathan to his feet. Levi flinched at the human contact.
Beelzebub stood up next. He grabbed Lucifer around the waist. Despite being the same height, he picked Lucifer up in a bear hug. His feet raised a foot off the ground. A couple moments later, Beelzebub put Lucifer down. The Avatar of pride stumbled back a little before catching his footing.
He pointed at Beelzebub. “Never do that again.”
Beel just shot him a smile before pulling Mammon to his feet.
“Hey! Don’t yank my arm off.” The first and second oldest stared at each other. Mammon turned to MC. “Does he have-” Lucifer pulled him into a hug.
That was the shortest hug of them so far. Finally was Belphie, who was half asleep on the ground still. Beelzebub pulled him up.
“What are you doing?” Belpie groaned. Lucifer cleared his throat and embraced the sleeping demon. Belphie’s eyes shot open as his arms were wrapped around Lucifer by Beel. “Hey! Let me go, asshole! Why are you hugging me?”
“MC dared to me hug all of you and say something sweet.” Belphie turned to MC who smirked at him and took their final photo.
“Delete that right fucking now, human.” Lucifer pulled away just as MC pocketed their phone.
“I don’t know what you are talking about. Okay, final part of your dare!”
Lucifer sighed turning to his younger brothers. He opened and closed his mouth, trying to gather his thoughts.
“Look...I-fucking hell. I love all of you. I’m only hard on you guys because I believe you can do great things. As the Avatar of Pride, I am proud to call you guys my brothers.” They all stared at him with wide eyes. Asmo wiped his eyes.
“I love you too.” He ran up and stole another hug, being the most affectionate one of the group. Lucifer patted his head.
“That was beautiful,” MC said with a hand over their heart. Lucifer glared at MC.
“This was your plan from the start, wasn’t it?” Satan asked. MC shrugged.
“I only thought of the idea after I proposed the idea of the sleepover. It did get Diavolo to help me get Lucifer to join us.”
They all settled back down and continued the game. The night ended with everyone asleep, piled up.
#obey me imagines#obey me swd#swd obey me#obey me mammon#obey me Lucifer#obey me Levi#obey me leviathan#obey me satan#obey me asmodeus#obey me asmo#obey me beel#obey me beelzebub#obey me belphie#obey me belphegor
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Peter Parker-Worry
Requested by 2 anons (I put them together because I thought it would look great, I hope you enjoye it!)
Plot: you’re sick and Peter is worried. Maybe a little too much.
FLUFF
Your boyfriend was a lot of things. First of all, he was a total charmer. He might not had realised that yet, but every time he looked at you with those shy eyes or asked permission to hold your hand blushing, your heart jumped a little bit. Second, Peter Parker was a gentleman; maybe because he was raised by women, or because he had it in him. He made sure to open all the doors in front of you, walk in the sidewalk closer to the cars without noticing and pull your chair in your dates. Third, he was a nerd. Loved everything that had anything to do with famous films and had bought every item of his own merchandising. Finally, your boyfriend was a natural worrier.
As in, serious, serious worried. He could take you to the hospital crying because you had just cut yourself with a kitchen knife. Or wrap you in blankets when you coughed a little bit.
That was why you had decided not to tell Peter that your throat was hurting. It was nothing too important, just probably a sore throat. A little pain, discomfort while eating and maybe some fever, or so you thought. With that thought, you decided to go with your boyfriend and the rest of the team to the beach.
On Monday, you woke up with slightly discomfort. Peter was sleeping soundly beside you, snoring softly, and everything around you was perfect. White sheets, wide room, the sun entering through the window and your clothes scattered around the floor. Not wanting to worry anyone, you took some meds and went to the beach.
On Tuesday, you were on the sea with Natasha and Wanda when a coughing fit hit you. Your lungs seemed to want to leave your body, and you had troubles breathing again. You managed to convince to two girls that it wasn’t anything important, and they didn’t say anything.
On Wednesday, the real problems started. You couldn’t eat properly and felt as if your head was going to explode. You avoided having lunch and dinner with the team, and they actually believed your excuses.
On Thursday, you were miserable. And, finally, Peter noticed. He was sitting beside you in a hammock, you laying on your side and hugging his torso. If he was too warm, he didn’t say anything; yet you were felling really cold.
“Hey, are you alright?” he looked at you with a little frown.
“Fine” you mumbled, not wanting to talk. Each word that left your throat, felt as if you had been stabbed.
“You’re-You’re shaking” Peter leaned up a bit and took you between his arms, and he started to worry. You had your eyes almost closed and a pained expression on your face since you couldn’t even swallow.
“I’m just a bit cold, baby” you whispered. You cuddled closer to him, not wanted to make a big deal out of it. You felt Peter shifting under you, and placing the back of his hand on your forehead. Oddly, it felt surprisingly cold.
“Y/N!” he exclaimed, moving both of you so that you were facing him. You rolled your eyes at his concern, and even that slightly movement hurt. “You’re burning! Since when are you sick?”
“I’m not sick, Pete” you scoffed, wanting to go back to sleep.
“You’re sick”
“Am not”
“Yes, you are” he argued. “Unless you want me to tell Mr Stark to take us home, you better let me take care of you.”
“But I’m not sick Peter!” between the headache and pain on your throat, the only thing you wanted to do was to lie back and close your eyes. Peter was not letting you do that and it was making you irritable. “God, you’re overwhelming.”
“Come on Y/N, how long have you been feeling bad?” Peter held a bit of annoyance on his voice, for no other reason than the concern he held for you. For him, everything could be a reason to lose you, another important person for him.
“I’m not-I’m not feeling bad. Can’t you just shut up?”
You tried to get up from the hammock, your legs wobbling a bit. Peter quickly got into his knees in the hammock and held you by the arm, preventing you from falling to the ground. You felt your head spinning around for a bit, but still took the bag with Peter’s and yours things and decided to go back to the hotel.
“That’s you not feeling ill?” Peter scoffed. “I’m going back to the hotel with you.”
Peter got up too, looking towards the rest of the team before putting on his shirt. Tony was playing with Morgan, building up a sandcastle. Bucky, Steve, Sam and Clint were in the water while the girls were tanning along with Thor. He didn’t know where Bruce and Vision were, probably inside the hotel, so he decided to look for the first one and ask him if he could help you. As soon as he finished putting on the shirt, you sighed.
“Pete, I just want to lay down for a bit” you said. “You can stay here, I’m just gonna take a short nap”
“Nah, I’m going with you” he smiled softly. Peter walked towards you and gave you a quick peck.
“You’re gonna get sick!”
“So now you’re sick?” he chuckled. “I’m letting them now we’re going.”
With a last smile, the boy left running towards the other side of the beach. You decided to wait for him next to the hammock, not feeling like moving at all. Peter shared a few words with Natasha and waved at the boys; then, came running back to you.
Even with the shirt on, Peter had something special that day. His skin was glowing more than usual, his hair in wild curls because of the sea, and his smile shinier. It was not very often that he got to relax, so you hadn’t wanted to ruin the holydays for him. You watched as he came closer to you, his mouth moving and his eyes looking behind you with an unconcerned attitude.
In a moment, the world seemed to spin on its axis and the last thing you remembered was panicking that you were going to hit your head with the hammock. Luckily, that didn’t happened.
“Y/N!”
If he had been two inches behind, he wouldn’t have made it. Still, Peter’s arms immediately wrapped around you as he grunted softly and shook his head. At his scream, Tony raised his head and left Morgan with Natasha, walking towards you to see what had happened. Peter hoisted you between his arms and started walking towards the hotel, knowing that he would catch up eventually.
“What has happened?” Tony asked, looking between Peter and you.
“She’s-She’s just sick, and overexerted herself, Mr Stark” he sighed as they appeared on his right side. “I’m gonna take her inside, maybe Bruce can help her.”
“Do you want any help, kid?” he offered, putting his hand on your forehead. “Damn, she’s burning up. How long has she been like that?” Quickly, Tony took the bags and Peter thanked him softly.
“I don’t… She hadn’t told me before” he explained. The poor kid had a concerned look on his face, his lips twitched on an uncomfortable pout.
They walked to the room you shared with Peter and he laid you down. Tony helped him to put some cushions under your head and placed a cool towel in your forehead. After looking at you for a while, he told Peter he had nothing to worry about, just probably a cold. So, with the promise of looking for Bruce, he left.
Peter sat on the bed with you, watching you peacefully sleep and rise your chest slowly, in painful breaths. Without noticing, he lifted his thumb to his mouth and started biting the skin there. It was his bad habit; when he was nervous, or concerned, he tended to ruin the skin on his fingers, which turned out into bloody thumbs. You had tried to stop it a lot of times, yet he was really anxious and didn’t really try.
As he bit his thumb, he thought about your previous words. Maybe he, indeed, was a little bit overwhelming. Or annoying, perhaps. Mr Stark had called him out sometimes for being too persistent, and even MJ had told him that he had to relax for a bit.
Tears filled his brown eyes as he thought about how you might leave him because of that. You had been in a relationship not really for that long, only a few months, yet you had known him all your life. Ned’s sister, you had been by his side always, and you had known about his identity before anyone. Because, honestly, who hides their suit on the school bag?
All he knew he knew it with you, and he didn’t want to face the world along.
A faint movement caught his attention. You were trying to stand up on the bed, the pillows making it easier for you to sit up. You looked around in mildly panic until your eyes landed in Peter, though your vision was still a little blurry and you didn’t notice his distraught state.
“Where-“ you spoke, trying to get off the bed.
“No, no. Don’t move. Just-stay there” Peter pushed your shoulders back. “Mr Stark said, he said Mr Banner is coming. Like, in an hour. Or so.”
“What are you talking about?” you whispered, your voice raw. You covered your eyes with your arm, feeling as if the sun was making your head hurt more. Your slightly annoyed tone made Peter look down to his hands, which were shaking lightly.
“You fainted” he said, not looking up. “You, uh, you fell down and I caught you. I thought I should bring you here.”
“Yeah” you opened one eye, still not focusing right.
“Do you… do you want some water?”
Peter’s voice was not as cheerful as ever, neither as concerned as it always was when you were sick. If you didn’t know it better, you would say he was sad; the type of sad ‘Mr Stark has told me I’m nothing without the suit’. Just thinking about it made your head hurt, so you let it be.
In front of you appeared a glass of water, and the thought of swallowing it down made you want to die. You shook your head softly, not wanting to feel dizzy. Peter told you that you should at least take a sip, and you didn’t realised that you hadn’t told him about the pain in your throat.
“I can’t swallow, Pete” you complained, your eyes still closed.
“You can’t-what?” he frowned. “You told me it was just a cold!”
“It’s just a cold!”
“Y/N, you’re-you’re burning up” he scolded. “And now you tell me that your throat is hurting?”
“I haven’t-
“That’s it, I’m calling Mr Bruce” he got up in a rush, your arm midway of catching his wrist. Before you could argue, he talked again. “Don’t move or I’m tying you down!”
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
After being dragged by a panicking Peter across the hotel, receiving weird stares, Bruce appeared in your room. He touched some parts of your body, put on the thermometer and looked at your throat with a blinding light. Bruce concluded that you had a strep throat, and that you had fainted because of the lack of water and food. Leaving your instructions, some pills and hot soup, he left.
Outside, the sun had disappeared and the moon was shinning high. Peter had lighted up a small lamp on the side of the bed, and was preparing some blankets for his side of the bed.
He walked towards it and made you scoot over to give him some space. The bed was big enough to hold probably four people, yet you preferred to be close to him, as he served as a heater. Peter sat on the bed, with his back on the headboard, and held the spoon up to your lips.
“Are you serious?” you snorted, your voice hoarse.
“Yes” Peter smiled softly. “Now, open up”
While you begrudgingly obeyed, Peter subconsciously opened his mouth too. The soup was hard to swallow at first, but the warmth quickly spread through your throat and you found yourself hungry again. It was delicious and, despite your weak state, you had drank the entire bowl within minutes.
“That was good” you sighed happily, your voice softer
“Yeah” Peter said absentmindedly, looking down at the empty bowl. He was happy because you sounded better, yet your words didn’t leave his mind. “I-I’m going to bring you your medicine, okay?”
Peter got on his feet and went into the bathroom, where Bruce had left them. You closed your eyes as you heard him muttering under his breath and cursing when one of them fell to the ground, and smiled to yourself. Despite feeling like total and utter shit, Peter’s presence had just made your day better. You might had been stubborn, but you knew that he treated you like no other, and that everything was better with him.
When he came back, you looked up to him. He had his head hanging low, reading something in the little box. Peter was so concentrated on it that he didn’t notice the bed, and fell to the floor in exaggerate amount of ridiculous slips. Might had been because he was barefoot or because the shiny floor of the room, but you couldn’t help the loud laugh that left your lips. Immediately, you grabbed your throat and made a pained expression.
“Oh God, that was-you okay?” Peter looked up to you from the floor.
“Yeah, just a bit sore” you shrugged.
“This are supposed to make it better…” he got up and crawled to your side. “I can’t-what language are the indications written? I can’t understand a thing!”
You chuckled and helped him to open the bow, which he had broken partly. The pill was small, yet you weren’t the biggest fan of swallowing something, even worse with the state of your throat. So Peter cut it carefully and gave you a glass of water, again opening his mouth as you did the same.
After that, he cleared everything up and stood at your side of the bed, looking down to his feet. He was playing with his fingers, and he refused to look at you in the eye, not even when you called his name. It took him a while to talk, and when he did, his voice was as broken as the pill’s box.
“I-I asked Mr Thor if he would let me sleep with him and, and C-Capitan” he muttered, and you frowned. “They… they have a couch, so I’m, I’m sleeping there. Bu-But I’ll leave my, uh, my phone on, in case… if you need anything.”
You blinked surprised. It wasn’t as if you were offended, it just hit you that it was the first time Peter told you that he wasn’t going to sleep with you. Even when you two weren’t a couple, he used any opportunity to cuddle you or to be close. You opened your mouth to say something, but an ugly and painful cough made its way to your throat. You hugged your stomach and bent forward, Peter instantly by your side and helping you relax again.
He leaned you back against the bed, and stoke your hair until your breathing was back again. His warm hand against your skin and his comforting words made you sleepy, and you were tempted to close your eyes.
“Why are you leaving?”
“I don’t-I don’t want to burden you” he got back up and put his hands on its pockets. Peter was looking at the ceiling, at the ground or at the walls, anything to avoid your eyes and the tears that were being accumulated in his.
“You aren’t-why… Pete, you’re not a burden for me” you said softly.
Every part of your body hurt, yet you stretched your hand and gripped his wrist. Peter put aside his own sadness and pain and walked closer to you, not wanting to see an inch of discomfort in your face.
“But I talk too much” he explained, his eyes red. “And-And you’re sick, you probably don’t want to hear me anymore. I-I understand”
“That’s not-“ you cut yourself and let out an incredulous laugh. “Is this because of what I had said?”
“No!” Peter blushed and wiped his eyes furiously. “No, it’s not your fault. I’ve just-“
“You’re not a burden. I’m just too mean when I’m sick” you smiled at him. “And I hate it too much when you’re right!”
“If you’re saying this to make me feel better, I don’t-“
“Can you bring me my pyjamas?”
Peter looked at you as if you had grown another head. It was quiet for a while, until Peter asked you quietly where they were. He thought that you would really tell him to fuck off once you had gotten your pyjamas; you were sick, and probably didn’t want him whining about being clingy. With glossy eyes, he walked towards the first drawer of the small wardrobe and opened it.
There was all of your clothes. Underwear, bikinis, dresses and some shirts and pants that you had brought for the week. Peter looked through it with a blush on his face. It didn’t matter that you were his girlfriend, he still felt it very personal to look through your intimate clothes.
And there, between a blue dress and the hottest bra he had ever seen, was your pyjama. Peter emitted a sound similar to a squeal, and he changed his position from kneeling to sitting on the floor, as a kid who had gotten his Christmas present. He wiped the tears that had managed to fall with the back of his hand, replacing them with a wide smile and a cute laugh.
In front of him, there was a spiderman pyjama.
“What-What is this?!” he chuckled, excited to see his face once more in an item of cloth. “Is this-why was this here? Is it yours?!”
You chuckled at his childish behaviour, turning on your side to see him looking at the pyjamas with the cutest face ever. Noticing your eyes on him, he coughed awkwardly and got up, forgetting about the open drawer and carrying a bra stuck on his leg. He walked towards the bed, and hopped on it. Standing on his knees in front of you, he gave you the cloths and looked at you with an expectant face.
There, with his shirt of ‘I survived my trip to NYC’, his wide pants and messy heart, your heart skipped a bit and you missed a breath, for a whole different reason.
“If I thought you were a burden” you put your hand on the top of his. “I wouldn’t have agreed to wear this thing, Pete. I love you.”
“I-It’s just-Am I supposed to be this happy?” he let out a giggle and quickly gave you a side hug. “I love you Y/N, so, so much.”
You kissed his forehead and stayed still as he helped you to change into your new pyjamas. They were not the most comfortable thing you had worn, but Peter’s shinning eyes made it worthy. He couldn’t stop talking about how great was it to see you wearing his merchandising. Because he had fucking merchandising, could you believe it?
That night, you didn’t get much sleep, between uncomfortable coughs and Peter happy self, so the next morning you stayed in the room while he went to the beach. And, let me tell you, he bragged. He told everyone about your new pyjamas, and even showed them a few photos (of many) he had taken of you the previous night.
You slept like a baby and the next day you were healthy again. Leaving the room, you reunited with the rest of the team, not knowing the teasing you were going to face. Still, you did it with a smile.
Because, even if it was true that you had a over-excited boyfriend, you also had the best one.
Want to know more about me? Here is my Masterlist! Feedback is always appreciated!!
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Suicide Bones
Sterek drabble about being overwhelemed to the point of breaking, and the ‘Maybe We Can Make It Out.’
Trigger warnings: Suicidal thoughts/ actions, depression, anxiety, ADHD/ADD, death, body horror.
His mother sometimes said he was a the wrong size skeleton inside his flesh suit, to which his father warned that ‘this is going to shape his sense of humor in weird ways.’ He was right, obviously, but so was she.
Stiles never fits in his skin.
He‘a too long, too weird, too wild. He jumps from too high, digs in the dirt, sings too loudly, and knows entirely too much about everything before he was ten years old. Sometimes, late at night when his brain refuses to shut up, he bends his knees as far as he can just to watch his skin stretch over his bones. Sometimes he wants it to rip open, so he could be free. To be fully himself, and not feel smothered all the time. But it doesn’t, and he goes back to listing the elements of the periodic table until he falls asleep.
It isn’t until his mom is buried deep in the dirt he used to play in that he realizes there is one sure-fire way he can escape the flesh. One absolute in life that could solve all his misfit problems. The only issue is that he has people that need him to stay. They need his bones encased in skin and muscle, tendons and fat. They need his bad singing voice, and his endless curiosity. It keeps his dad going, it keeps Scott safe, it keeps his teachers happy, it makes the barista smile, it keeps his neighbor’s garden watered.
So grit your teeth and stay, Stiles. Ignore the growing pains and all the wrong, wrong, wrong.
He throws himself into helping. He pushes his face right into the snarling, rabid face of death and smirks. Stiles fights his instincts every day, to force that stupid fight or flight to land firmly on fight every time. Every time. He can’t back down, he can’t stop. He has to help. That’s his purpose. That’s who he is: Ill-fitted bones and sarcastic remarks. But, god, he will fucking help you.
He will, and he does.
He thinks he does?
“I don’t need your help, Stiles!”
“I think you do, wolf-boy,” he sneers, flicking the map stretched across the table in front of them. Derek outright snarls, which means he’s either about to give in or throw Stiles out on his ass.
“I know you have some sort of issue with your self-worth,” Derek begins, voice not at all soft.
Stiles narrows his eyes, daring him to continue. “It’s funny how this didn’t come up when you needed me to use mountain ash.”
“Because that’s when you were useful!”
Stiles rolls his eyes back as well as his head. The ceiling is dark and stained with old factory grease. He wonders, for a brief second, why Derek resides in these kinds of places. They’re like prisons, where he’s guarding himself.
“I can help you find Erica and Boyd,” he says at last, drawing his attention back to Derek. “I know this town better than anyone.”
Derek‘s voice grows quiet, “my family founded this town.”
“And a lot has changed since then. I know it how it is now.”
Whatever fight was in him seems to fade to the usual rumbling discontent that’s always present as Derek looks over the map again. See, this is why Stiles volunteered to help him find them. He doesn’t even like Isaac, Erica went mean, Boyd barely acknowledged him, and he and Derek have a very low tolerance for one another. But right now, Derek’s stupidly pretty eyes are looking at buildings he doesn’t know and new streets, and showing how hopeless he’s really feeling. Derek doesn’t think they’ll find them.
“Okay,” Derek says at last. In his heart, Stiles believes they will. That’s why he’s here. That’s why he’s helping. His bones, though. They already ache with the loss.
Stiles scrunches up his nose, and points to a potential area on the map. He’s ignoring his bones, for now.
“Okay.”
*
It’s not when Scott hurts him—not the first time, no, but the worst time—that he realizes things have changed. It’s not when Derek-STUPID–Hale has another plan fall through that would have worked if he had just listened to Stiles. It’s not when some other creature is riding his bones and damaging him and everyone around him for fun. No, it’s not even when an awful lot of his friends die. It’s much later, when they save that stupid stump, save Scott, save the town, save everyone they can. It’s not until Derek leaves and comes back all soft-looking, and god his anger issues weren’t as hot as he thought because that fucking sweater—
It’s then that he realizes that everyone has grown up from needing him. Scott’s doing his own thing now, and hasn’t called for Stiles to go over his homework or love letter or help deal with a monster in months. His dad has been dating, actually dating, and isn’t home as often as he used to be. He doesn’t call up to check on Stiles twice a day, or demand Stiles give him an idea of his whereabouts as often as he used to. His teachers—well, they (mostly) know he’ll be fine in college. He went through hell and still got A’s. The neighbor moved during the first wave of wolfy-like problems. That barista, well, she was killed two years ago. One of the ones they couldn’t save.
And Derek? He’s so much better. Really, he’s better. He went out and healed, and now he’s building something for himself in the town his family founded and died in like it’s just fine and normal and—
Stiles stretches, feels his scars ache. His bones pop and protest inside him. Soon now. Soon, he promises them.
Because no one needs him anymore, and he’s built up a value based on that need. Now it’s all useless facts at one am and tired—so tired—promises to himself to find a vocation where all that he is will be applicable. Where he can weather the aches and misshapen bones because it will be worth it, again. But there’s nothing. College seems pointless, busy work and knowledge he’s already long since devoured. A job—where? He’s such a mess he doesn’t trust himself to cook at home anymore, never mind providing food or service to other people. Will he break down and cry at the first rude customer? Will he hallucinate his way through a shift at Home Depot? When will they notice? When will they see that he’s a skeleton of what he used to be?
When will they see he isn’t a person anymore?
Soon, he mutters to his bones. Soon.
*
“Have you talked to anyone?” Is the first thing he says when he finds Stiles sitting on the stump with a bottle of whiskey stolen from his dad’s dusty liquor cabinet.
Derek, looking settled and grounded in ways Stiles hasn’t seen since he was nine or ten years old. Those few times he ran into the younger Hales in town before most of them died. Derek, his eyes actually honest on the first try instead of the second, third, or fourth.
Honestly worried.
“Talk to who?” Stiles slurs, cracking an easy smile that sends pain all the way through him.
“Someone,” Derek replies as he sits down next to him. “Anyone.”
“Why should I? Why?”
Derek stares at him without answering. Stiles wants to push his face closer, jut his jaw out and fight.
“Why, Derek?” He challenges, not looking away.
“Because... it helped me,” he says, sounding sure and steady. “Because I was just pushing myself through whatever shitty thing happened next and never looking back unless I needed the anger to fuel me.”
Stiles lets out a shaky breath and looks away. He can’t say anything now, not like that.
“It’s not easy, either,” Derek continues, calmer than Stiles has ever heard him. “I clammed up a lot; lashed out even more. I hated everything and everyone more and more until I wanted to kill random strangers I saw on the street with no provocation.”
Stiles raises a brow to himself, because yeah, that’s a bit different than the Derek who kind of died to save everyone more than a few times. But maybe not so different than how he’s feeling right now. Derek lets out a huff of a laugh, and Stiles feels something hard and bitter inside him start to melt. Just a little.
“More than that, though, I just wanted to die. I wanted god or whoever to kill me already, and stop pushing me to do it myself. Put the blood on their hands for once, not mine.”
Stiles pulls his lower lip between his teeth and bites down. He’s not going to talk. He won’t.
“But it never happened. And stupid shit keeps happening, but...” Derek trails off for a moment, “But I can handle it a little better now. I can drop my mom’s favorite cup and it sucks—it still sucks—but it’s not the last straw anymore. It doesn’t make me want to claw my throat out, or scream until I lose my voice.”
Stiles hiccups quietly and tries to cover it up by taking a swig from the bottle. He refuses to look at the asshole opening up next to him. He can’t do this, he’s too tired. He can’t open up again and spend the time, and effort, and love it takes to matter to someone and be dropped like he’s nothing. Not again. Please, not again.
“I’m not telling you this because I think we’re exactly the same,” Derek continues, sounding less solid and more sad now. “I know we’ve lived different lives and lost in different ways. It’s going to be different no matter what, I’ve found out.”
“Why?” Stiles croaks out.
“You know why.”
Stiles glares into the surrounding trees and hates himself a little bit more for rising to the bait. Of course he fucking knows why, but it doesn’t matter.
“It doesn’t matter,” he mutters out loud. “None of it does.”
“Why not?” Derek asks quietly.
Stiles gestures broadly to their surroundings, to the giant stump they’re sitting on, to himself. He can’t find the words, really, to sum up everything that’s led him here. There’s too much bad, and not enough good. Too much bad, too fast and too often. Too much everything.
“That’s not an answer,” Derek says, and Stiles finally turns to glare at him.
“Not everything is so fucking literal,” he snaps.
Derek shrugs it off. “Sometimes it is.”
“Then tell me what makes it worth it, okay? Tell me why dropping my mom’s favorite cup after most of her stuff got destroyed is shitty, but it’s fine,” he spits, his insides burning. “I should just be fine about all this shit and smile through it.”
Derek shakes his head, and says, “That’s not what I’m saying at all.”
“Then what?”
“You don’t have to smile, Stiles. You don’t have to be fine. You can be upset and hurting, or angry... I’m still angry, you know?” Derek smiles ruefully and looks away again. “but I needed to talk about it all to realize what was external and what was internal. I didn’t even think about what I could fix versus what I couldn’t. I didn’t know there even was stuff I could fix.”
Stiles keeps glaring, but that hard part of him is melting out his eyes and nose now. He hates that. He hates crying because it doesn’t do anything for him. It never did any good.
Derek doesn’t seem to mind that he’s dribbling all over himself now, or that he’s still not opening up. Stiles doesn’t know what that means, or what he’s supposed to do now.
“Find a therapist,” Derek says, turning back to him with a soft smile. “And remember not to feel guilty for unloading on them. They’re being paid for that.”
“I d-don’t know if I can afford that,” Stiles chokes out, half laughing, half crying. What a fucking mess.
“I could cover it?” Derek offers tentatively, almost as if he knows Stiles will refuse.
But.
But maybe he won’t. Not this time. Not when he’s this close to cutting his awkward, aching bones out to be free.
“O-okay,” he sniffles, wiping his nose on the end of his sleeve. “I’m t-tired, though.”
“Yeah,” Derek says, and reaches a hand out. Stiles takes it. He doesn’t know what else to do. “Yeah, I know. Put some of that weight on someone else for a little while. See if it helps.”
Stiles looks at their hands, linked there between them like that’s normal and fine. “What if it doesn’t?”
“Then we come back here and brainstorm some more.”
Stiles watches at Derek’s thumb brushes over his hand. It should probably be huge, but for now it’s just fine. “Y-yeah?”
“It’s what we’re good at,” Derek replies. He smiles at him. “Okay?”
Stiles hesitates. His bones say he won’t make it. They’ll end up here again, messier and more misshaped. But he’s tired and someone is finally noticing. Someone is looking and seeing that he’s being crushed under the weight of everything. His heart, though. His heart says maybe. Maybe. Maybe.
“Okay,” he says. “Okay.”
*
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline Call: 1-800-273-8255
Or Text HELLO to 741741 for the crisis text line.
#Sterek#Depression#Teen Wolf#stiles stilinski#Derek Hale#drabble#tw: body horror#Tw: Suicidal thoughts#tw: Depression
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Onto the nineteenth chapter of the story!! Today we see a decision Maggie makes for her future. I hope you enjoy this chapter.
Chapter Nineteen
Fate of a Coin
December 2015
Maggie sighed as she sat with Louise in the church pew at their friend Janet’s funeral. It was a long illness that took her, but still her death was not one Maggie had been expecting.
She, Janet, and Louise were an almost inseparable trio for years. They played cards, gone on vacations, and spoken almost every day. Now, one third of that trio was gone, and it hurt. A lot.
Louise reached for her hand, and they held tight to one another as the service began. The priest spoke about Janet, the many services she helped in, the lives she touched, and how invaluable she was to the church. Her family stood and shared stories, making everyone laugh and cry. Louise squeezed Maggie’s hand and they both took shaky breaths, as they dabbed their eyes.
They followed the family out of the church, hugging everyone they saw, and expressing their condolences. Following the processional to the burial plot, they stood together as the casket was lowered into the ground and a couple of musically inclined family members sang a hymn.
Maggie and Louise held to one another as they each said goodbye once more and then walked back to Maggie’s car. Sitting down and waiting for the car to heat up, Maggie sniffed and wiped her eyes once more.
“It was a matter of time, Maggie, we all knew that,” Louise said, sadness in her voice.
“I know, Louise,” Maggie said quietly. “It’s just ..”
“I know.”
At the reception in Janet’s home, the family welcomed Maggie and Louise, telling them of their appreciation of the long friendship they shared. Both women nodded and thanked them. Maggie took Louise’s arm, and they walked to the table laden with coffee and refreshments.
They each fixed a cup of coffee and sat down with other mourners. Everyone exchanged pleasantries and then talked amongst each other. Neither Maggie nor Louise felt much like talking, so instead, they listened.
Mixed within the stories of happiness and kindness, Maggie heard hardship and tiredness. Never vocalized, it nonetheless lingered in stories. She could hear the exhaustion in their tone and the nervous relief they felt with her passing.
Not wanting to discuss how she was feeling and what she was thinking until they left, Maggie waited until they had gotten in the car to say what was on her mind.
“I’d like to plan for my future, when I pass,” she said, glancing over at Louise. “I know it might seem sudden, but I want to have it figured out and not leave the kids anything to worry about. I had an idea after Bill died, but I haven’t thought about it in years. We’re getting older and there is always the risk of health problems. I just ... I’d like to have it done and taken care of so it’s not something to worry those left behind.”
Louise nodded and reached for her hand. “We’ll do it together,” she said, as Maggie squeezed her hand.
The following Monday, they met at the funeral home and discussed options of burial versus cremation. Maggie immediately chose cremation, thinking of Bill and his funeral and also of the lake.
Once the paperwork was in order, and payments had been made, Maggie stopped Louise on a bench outside of the office.
“When we were at the lake house this summer, I took a walk and made a decision,” Maggie said, looking at Louise and squeezing her hand. “I want my ashes scattered at the lake. I found it so peaceful and beautiful there. I’d like to know there is a piece of me there, in some fashion.”
“I love that idea, Maggie,” Louise said with a squeeze of her hand.
“I want to change my advance directive too, but I don’t want to bother Dana with it,” Maggie said, looking down at the ground. “After hearing the exhaustion in people’s voices at Janet’s, Louise, I don’t want that for my family. I don’t want them to make tough decisions for my care, or worry if what they’re doing is wrong. I want the decision to be mine, and mine alone.”
“I understand, Maggie,” Louise said as she nodded. “After this past year, I do understand. It feels odd to discuss death when we are living, but ... I know how you feel. Better to plan than leave it to chance.”
Maggie nodded. “When Dana was missing and then had inexplicably been returned, I found out about her advance directive. It hurt at first, not understanding why she would not want to keep fighting ... to just give up. But after sitting there with her every day worried and scared, I understood it better. I understand it even more now. I don’t want that pain resting on anyone’s shoulders.” Maggie looked at Louise and squeezed her hand again. They sat quietly on the bench before it became too cold, and then they left.
Two days later, before she went to visit Fox, Maggie stopped at Louise’s, and had her and her brother Jack, a retired Navy Captain visiting for the holidays, sign her amended directive. Maggie breathed a deep sigh as she saw it become what she wanted, how she wanted to leave this earth.
“It’s a good decision, Maggie,” Louise said softly, rubbing Maggie’s arms, and pulling her in for a hug. “A smart decision and when the time is right, you will tell Dana. She will understand.” Maggie nodded and held Louise tight, thanking Jack with a slight smile. He nodded and left the room.
After her visit with Fox, in which she was pleased to see he was still doing well with his therapy having ended, she stopped at the nearby convenience store, to buy an iced tea. Her mind was on the decision she made earlier that day, and she missed the clerk speaking to her.
“Ma’am?”
“I’m so sorry. My mind was a thousand miles away. What did you say?” Maggie asked her kindly.
The woman smiled and reached out her hand. “Here’s your change. Three dollars and a sorter.” She placed the money in Maggie’s outstretched hand as Maggie registered what she said.
“Did you say sorter? What does that mean?” Maggie asked, as she looked at the money in her hand. The woman smiled again and shook her head with sigh.
“It’s … um … something my mom used to say. She didn’t know much English when she came here as a teenager, and she was baffled by expressions sometimes. The grass is always greener or Whatever floats your boat. She said it was so strange to her,” the woman said with a chuckle. “The money one made her shake her head, always.”
“Money one?”
“Yeah. Penny for your thoughts. She was a very imaginative person, lived in her head, and had many fantastic adventures in there. She said her thoughts were worth way more than a measly penny,” she said, laughing as she looked at Maggie, and she joined in.
“So, one day, she says she’s going to come up with her own sayings. She couldn’t change the penny one as much as she may have tried, so that one stuck. But, she thought about it and eventually, in our house- nickels were fickle, as nothing really rhymes with nickel, dimes were for your time, it was after all during the time of pay phones, and quarters were your sorters.” She grinned at Maggie and seeing the perplexed look on her face, she chuckled again and explained. “My mother watched a lot of television to help her with learning English. She told us that so many times a serious decision would need to be made and eventually a person would dramatically flip a coin to decide their fate. Most often, it was a quarter they would flip, and the decision would rest upon heads or tails, and sort out the problem.” She said placing her palms up and shrugging.
“Quarters are your sorters,” Maggie said quietly, running her thumb across the face of the quarter in her hand. “I like that. It kind of simplifies things, doesn’t it?”
“Well, of course it’s not one hundred percent accurate, as it is a chance of fate, but it’s up to the flipper, I suppose. Same as anything in life, it’s how you interpret it, and what you do in the future that matters,” the woman said with another shrug. Maggie looked at her again and smiled.
“Thank you for sharing that story with me. I like your mother’s way of seeing things. My name is Maggie, by the way,” she said, putting out her hand.
“Destiny,” the woman said, reaching for her hand, with a laugh and a roll of her eyes, when Maggie’s own widened in surprise. “I know, and it seems even stranger after that conversation we just had. But, like I said, my mother had come here as a teenager, escaped a bad situation to do it, and felt it was her destiny to be here, hence the name bestowed upon me.”
Maggie shook her head as she shook Destiny’s hand. Of all the places she could have stopped on the way home, she somehow stopped at the one she passed every Wednesday on her way to visit Fox. Today of all days, it seemed she was led to this location, to this woman.
“I don’t know what to make of this, or what your personal beliefs are, but I feel I was meant to meet you today,” Maggie said as she set her change down and grasped Destiny’s hand in both of hers. “I can’t explain it, but I know it, and I am grateful for whoever, or whatever, made me thirsty for some iced tea.” Destiny laughed and covered their joined hands with her left one, looking in Maggie’s eyes as she did.
“My mother would give me the silent glare and the click of her tongue all day, if I did not say it seems we were fated to cross paths today.” She smiled and held Maggie’s stare. “I don’t know your situation Maggie, but I feel I was meant to play an infinitesimal part in it. I understand when you say you can’t explain it, for nor can I.” They stared at one another, hands still clasped, before Maggie smiled and let go. She stepped back from the counter, about to leave, and then turned around again.
“Your mother is a wise woman. Be sure and tell her that from me, would you?” she said, looking at Destiny. She nodded and they waved goodbye to one another, the quarter weighing heavily in Maggie’s pocket.
When she arrived at home, she kicked off her shoes, and put her paperwork on the kitchen counter. She would send it to her doctor tomorrow, everything in order and done. Emptying her pockets, the quarter landed on the counter, and she sighed.
Quarters are your sorters, she thought. So many things came to mind that needed to be sorted. Her relationship with Charlie for one, but that had been gone over and over for years. She knew it would take more than a flip of a coin to change his mind and his heart.
She closed her eyes, the ache of not having spoken to her youngest son and grandchildren in so long, was overpowering. How ridiculous it was to let a disagreement and misunderstanding in the past be what kept you from the future. Her eyes opened and she knew what she needed to do.
Picking up the quarter, she studied it. Nothing remarkable about it, a truly unremarkable ordinary quarter. And yet ...
She turned it over and over in her fingers and then took a deep breath. It felt sacrilegious to do it this way, but she felt desperate, and led to do something crazy. A year Dana and Fox had been apart, and at the moment, an end was still not in sight.
She moved to the middle of the kitchen and closed her eyes. Did she make a wish? Simply ask for what she truly wanted? If Dana and Fox would finally come back to each other? Will it into existence by flipping the coin? Her heart was racing and she felt hot, as if knowing this was a mistake. She placed the quarter on the top of her right thumb, held down with her index finger.
Please, was all she could think to say. Please.
She flipped the coin and opened her eyes, watching it spin in the air. Oh , God, what had she done? She reached for it and missed, causing it to hit the floor, and roll away from her.
“No, no, no,” she said out loud, chasing it past the table and toward the wall. “I take it back. Stop.”
Finally catching up to it, she watched it hit the wall, and bounce back. Squeezing her eyes tight, she waited to hear it fall, but the sound never came. Opening her eyes she stared and then let out a surprised gasp and sob.
The quarter did not fall over, but remained standing, neither heads nor tails. She stood frozen, staring at it in disbelief, waiting for the inevitable moment when it would tip one way or the other. It never came and suddenly she laughed hysterically, tears running down her face. Doubled over, she could swear she heard Bill’s voice in her ear.
Your daughter, Maggie? Leaving the fate of her future with him up to this simple coin toss? Have a bit more faith in our girl than THAT.
He would be right of course, she did need to have more faith in Fox and Dana. What was a year, really? Seven years they had been together, work partners and best friends. Then, twelve years together with many things left unsaid and unshared. Almost twenty years together and one year apart was to be enough? No. She knew it now.
Bending to pick up the quarter, she smiled. Holding it in her hand, she knew it was not an unremarkable quarter, far from it. It was something special and should be treated as such. Walking to the drawer that held the plastic baggies, she took one out, and dropped the quarter inside. Zipping it up, she grabbed a sharpie, and wrote The Unremarkable Remarkable Quarter, and underneath it, Ever Faithful.
She put the sharpie back in the drawer and put the baggie on top of her paperwork. Tomorrow she would take the papers to her doctor and then do something with the quarter. Something special.
______
It was not until she was driving to the doctor’s office the next day, that she thought of it. Taking a detour, and heading to the jewelers, she smiled as she thought it was the perfect idea. Walking in, she found it to be rather empty, and the man behind the counter eager to help her with her plan. He grinned as he set to work, telling her it would be a quick task.
Forty five minutes later, she walked out, the quarter saved in a necklace around her neck, and under her blouse. No one but her knew it was there, close to her heart. The unremarkable remarkable quarter, reminding her to keep faith. To know that only when the time was right, when they had figured out how to be better alone, in order to be better together, would her plea be answered.
Until that day, she would wear it, the head side up, hoping and praying those two would use their heads, listen to reason, have faith in each other, and one day find the harmony between them.
#The X Files#XF Fanfic#X Files Novel#Quarters are your sorters#Keeping faith#Reason Faith and Harmony
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Life Is a Game of Risks
Chapter Summary - Alexianna and Tom take Sophie and Lily to the beach, causing Alexianna to feel guilty before they go to Diana's home for the evening and Tom makes Alexianna deal with her scars, even if she is unsure.
TRIGGERS - Past domestic abuse, Past emotional abuse, Past sexual abuse.
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Tags: @damalseer @hiddlesbitch1 @winterisakiller @theoneanna
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Alexianna smiled as Lily giggled uncontrollably, having been brought to the seaside for the first time in her life. She seemed to almost become a different child as she used a stick to draw in the sand and watched the water crash on the shoreline. Sophie was beside her, helping her draw her name in the sand.
‘Are you okay?’ Tom looked at her, noting the sadness on her face.
‘I am failing her.’ Alexianna’s voice was tight.
Tom immediately pulled her to him. ‘What makes you say that?’
‘She...this is the first time she has had something as normal as a visit to the seaside.’
‘Lexi, you had no car or the way to bring her, you are getting over this issue of yours now and she is only four, not fourteen, relax, you are not failing her.’ He kissed the top of her head. ‘Look at her, look how happy she is, don’t feel sad when she is so happy.’ Alexianna gave a small smile. ‘Take a picture, send it to Daniel, he would want to see this.’
‘I didn’t bring my phone.’ She admitted.
‘We’ll use mine.’ Tom reached into his pocket and took out his phone, taking two pictures without Lily noticing before calling her. ‘Lily Princess, we need a picture for Uncle Daniel.’ Upon hearing her uncle’s name, Lily squeaked with joy and rushed over, smiled wide, her hair every direction, the cool windy weather causing her to have a runny nose. ‘What do we say for pictures?’ He laughed.
‘Pikachu!’
Tom looked to Alexianna who was laughing at her daughter, not knowing where she got that from. ‘I was thinking cheese.’
‘But I don’t like cheese.’
‘Then say please.’ Alexianna suggested laughing.
‘How about pineapple?’ Lily suggested.
‘Just say Lily, please or even say nothing and smile.’ Her mum smiled.
‘Fine.’ Lily frowned for a moment, but seeing Tom pointing the phone at her, she smiled widely. ‘Now you and me, Mummy.’
‘No.’ Alexianna refused, stepping back.
‘Yes.’ Tom stated, ‘He’d love that.’
‘Tom, please.’ The way Alexianna looked at him pleadingly, with tears in her eyes told Tom everything.
‘Okay, it’s okay.’ He pulled her to him and kissed her temple. ‘We’ll get a picture of Mum in a minute, okay Princess, how about a big smile?’ Lily was about to complain about her mother not taking a photo with her, but as soon as Tom mentioned another photograph, she beamed widely. When he was done, she demanded to see them all, scolding him if one was blurry. Lily watched as Tom sent the pictures and a video of her saying hello to her uncle by PM on Facebook and they continued with their day, Tom making sure to reassure Alexianna with small gestures as they did so.
By evening, Lily was bleary-eyed on the couch watching Moana with Sophie, the fresh air and the hours spent outside having worn both girls out. Tom and Alexianna were the two cleaning up after the dinner since it was cooked while they took the girls out.
‘Did you enjoy the beach?’ Tom asked, looking at Alexianna drying a plate.
‘Yeah, it was nice.’ She gave a small smile.
‘Lexi…’ She looked at him in a way that told him she knew what he was going to ask. ‘Why don’t you want a picture of you and Lily?’
‘I don’t like photos.’
‘They use not bother you when you were younger.’ It was true, she never rushed into pictures, but when she and Emma used to laugh and have fun if there was a camera around, she used to pull funny faces with his sister and smile.
‘I just don’t.’ She stated, refusing to say any more on the subject.
He pulled her against him. ‘You are beautiful, inside and out.’ He stated, kissing her forehead. ‘We have had people take photos of us together.’ He reminded her. Admittedly neither had consented to it and the photographers did not seem too respectful of the clear dislike that she had for their actions.
‘In all fairness, they don’t get too close, if they did get a close-up, it is blurry, they can’t see them.’
Tom frowned for a moment and realised she was referencing her scars. He often forgot about them, knowing that they were there, he never actually paid any attention to them, but clearly, she was bothered by it. She never wore her hair up and did nothing to bring attention to her face. Even now, as she cleaned dishes in a warm house, her sleeves were down. ‘You are more than those scars, you know that, right?’ He pulled up her sleeve on her right arm, the one that took the brunt of the car crash. ‘These mean you survived. You showed me the photos of the crash, he ploughed into you at forty miles per hour in a large metal machine and you are still here.’ He kissed the healed wounds.
‘But when people find out about them…’
‘They will realise how incredibly strong you are.’
‘Or say he should have gone fifty and done the job right.’ She stated.
Tom swallowed, there were “fans” out there that wished ill on their celebrity crushes partners. He was sure, somewhere in the far corners of the internet, someone somewhere, under the anonymity of pixels on a screen would say something like that. He pulled her against him and kissed her head. ‘Don’t say that, please don’t say things like that. You are incredible and if something more happened you I would never have gotten to see you again, I would not have had the chance to tell you I love you. Jesus, without you, there would be no Lily, that beautiful, sweet, wonderful little girl is only here because you are here. If you never see anything else worth it all, look at her, think of her when she is asleep or looking up at you with that sweet twinkle in her eye of excitement as she tells you about her day in school, don’t ever think that it would have been better if he had.’
‘You can be a big sweetheart sometimes, do you know that?’
‘As long as it makes you realise how great you are, I’m okay with it. Just don’t tell anyone, I am the most mischievous God in the universes, okay?’ She laughed against him. ‘Come on, we’ll get this sorted.’ he urged her back to the dishes.
‘Hey, how are things going in here, has Tom broken any dishes yet?’ Sarah joked as she came in to get some tea not long after.
‘I never broke a dish, that was you and you blamed me.’
‘I broke two other ones that day, if dad found out I broke a third, he’d have kicked my ass.’
‘So poor Tom took the blame, why not blame Emma, she is six years younger? She’d have gotten away with it.’ Alexianna asked.
‘I said that too, but no, it had to be me. I was punished for it too, an evening without TV, and something good was on too, I can’t remember what, but it was good and I had been wanting to watch it.’
‘I’m sorry.’ Sarah stated honestly. ‘I promise never to blame you again.’
‘We are adults now; if you cannot take the blame at this stage, when can you?’ Tom scoffed.
Sarah rolled her eyes for a moment before her gaze came to Alexianna’s rolled up sleeve, which caused her eyes to widen before she could help herself. Swallowing to try and get rid of the lump in her throat, she cleared her voice before speaking again. ‘Do...do you need help in here?’
Both Tom and Alexianna had realised what had happened, Alexianna immediately pulling her sleeve down. ‘No, we have it covered.’ Tom insisted. He looked at Alexianna, who could not take her gaze from the floor. ‘Alexianna, as you know, was in a car crash and her right arm took a lot of the damage, she had glass shards and even part of a Bentley embedded in it and two surgeries to fix it, so she can get a little bothered with its appearance.’ Alexianna looked at him shocked. ‘You are so hung up on thinking you look terrible you are not enjoying being around people who love and care about you.’ She looked at him guiltily.
‘We see enough people being fake or not who they really are around us, trying to get to Tom or with Sarah with her work.’ They turned to see Diana walking into the room. ‘No one in this family is allowed to feel as though they cannot be themselves in here. Wrinkles, grey hairs, scars and even high hairlines,’ Tom rubbed his forehead at that, fully aware of his ever-receding hairline. ‘It’s all normal in here.’
‘And stretchmarks.’ Sarah reminded her mother.
‘Are those a thing now, back in my day, no one gave a monkey’s about them.’
‘They are, and cellulite.’ Sarah informed her mother.
‘No wonder so many girls are starving themselves these days or caking themselves in make-up, you cannot be yourself.’ Diana shook her head. ‘So what is so bad you are risking your sleeves being dirty to hide it?’ She asked.
Alexianna looked at her scared before looking to Tom, who immediately came to her side to show her he was there for her. Shaking slightly, she lifted up her sleeve to which Diana walked over and inspected it. ‘Well, you were always a tough cookie, I bet that was not pleasant.’
Alexianna found herself laughing, ‘No, I spent a month on heavy-duty painkillers for it because of the operations too.’ She admitted. ‘My ulnar is more metal than bone now.’
Diana immediately pulled her to her and hugged her tightly, ‘You don’t have to worry about that here. You are you and we love you for who you are. Am I clear?’ She nodded. ‘Scars are proof we lived, no one gets through this life unscathed. Even this silly boy has some.’ Diana pointed to Tom, who rubbed his forehead from his accident in the Donmar. ‘Now, no more silliness, do you hear me?’
*
‘Are you mad at me?’ Alexianna looked at Tom, who was sheepishly standing behind her in his old bedroom as they got ready for bed.
‘No.’
‘You have been quite quiet with me this evening.’
‘Tom, I’m tired.’ She stated, not looking at him.
Tom, however, did not yield, having realised in their time together, she had a tendency to go into a quiet state, not saying anything. ‘I had no right to tell my family about your arm, I’m sorry.’
‘You had no right.’ She snapped, looking back at him, her face a mixture of angry and hurt. ‘I don’t want people knowing about it.’
‘I know, I thought if they knew, you would not worry and you could just get on with life without having to think to keep your sleeve down around them. I’m sorry.’ He stated sadly.
‘I decide who I tell what about in my life, you do not get to do that.’ She had tears in her eyes as she spoke. ‘I am not something to be pointed at.’
‘No, you’re not, hence why telling those around you your issues is important, we need to be able to show you that there is nothing wrong with you, that you are perfect.’ Alexianna scoffed. ‘Yes, you are perfect as you are, scars and all, or do you not realise that when I tell you that I love you, and when we are intimate. Do you think what I say and how I react when I am with you, when we are in bed together, is just bullshit?’ Tom asked, his features displaying his hurt. ‘I want you to be part of my life like you say you want me in yours and Lily’s, but you do not trust me when I say I love you and your arm does not impact on that and seeing it cause you to clam up, seeing you ashamed or repulsed by it makes me so upset, because I want you to see it and think that that car crash is not going to define you, that even though it led to a difficult time, you got through it, that you have Lily and that you are glad to be where you are today, you’re doing well in work, your daughter is doing well in school and we are doing well, is that so hard for you?’ His voice filled with heartache for her, Alexianna looked at him guiltily. Tom wanted her to get past the bad that had happened. ‘The longer you hold onto the meaning of those scars, the longer you are allowing all of that in your life. Don’t let them or him take any more of your life, you have me and Lily, we want you to be happy, we want you to get past all that. You said the therapist was adamant to talk about him and that is why you did not want to continue going, but holding onto your opinion of your arm,’ he pointed to her arm. ‘Is doing exactly that.’ Alexianna stared at him shocked. ‘Don’t stay thinking about that, please.’ he beseeched. ‘You are not those scars, he and those thoughts you have do not deserve your time. You deserve better.’
Alexianna said nothing, instead, she stewed on his words before she bit her lips together and her eyes began to water. ‘Oh, God.’
‘Lexi?’
‘I...You’re right. I...I have been letting this...him stay in my head.’
Tom immediately walked over to her and pulled her to him, holding her tight as the realisation rocked her. ‘I’m here, don’t worry. You’ll be fine, you just need to work through it, it won’t be quick or easy, but you have me, Daniel, my family, we love you as you, okay?’ He kissed her head. ‘Even when I am busy, when I am working, you can text me and I will text or call you as soon as I have a chance, okay?’
‘Thank you for being honest.’ She hiccuped into his chest.
‘What do you mean?’
‘For not saying that you’ll be there no matter what, that you are being realistic.’
‘I have to be, I cannot say I will be there at the drop of a hat if it is not possible to be, that would be setting us up to fail, I don’t want to do that. It is the same for you, when I need something from this, from us, I have to wait for you to finish work or study or when you are not dealing with Lily.’
‘I know.’
‘I love you, Lexi, with your scars, stretch marks and when the time comes, even grey hairs.’ He promised, kissing her. ‘As much as I hope you don’t mind my scars, my receding hairline and the greys I know are edging in.’
‘Yes.’
‘Those scars are not you, they are just marks on your skin.’ He insisted, bringing her to the bed.
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4th Anniversary Stuff
I had quite the long day yesterday and now I am a day late^^’
But, well, anyway... Watchdog of the Queen turned four yesterday! Yey!
I have been terrible again with updates in the last few months, so if you’re still here and waiting - thank you! Life and university kept me busy and exhausted lately (and I was, to my surprise, picked for a zine!), but I’m still working on the next chapter and have no intention of dropping this story anytime soon! Not when it is still keeping my brain busy.
I think I’m always getting so melodramatic and repetitive in these posts^^’ Sorry...
Well, last year, I put together some trivia and notes and I thought I would do the same this year! But that’s not everything...
When I started writing this fic, I created a file to collect little bits and pieces as I thought of them. So far, I have 258 snippets in that file^^’ Some are just a sentence long, others some pages. And I thought that, if someone’s interested, you can send me a number between 11 and 258 and I’ll post either the entire thing or part of it. However, if it’s just a sentence or a joke I have saved for later, I will reserve not to post it. (And it’s from 11 to 258 and from 1 to 258 because the first ten are just too old and irrelevant.)
Thank you so much for sticking with me for four years now! And let’s hope for many more^^
Story
The little “add-on” about Oscar and Cloudia on the intermission chapter was actually supposed to be much longer. It would have not just been about Cloudia returning to the townhouse and talking to Oscar there after she met Cedric for the first time, but it would have been an extended version of the entire first three chapters. It was supposed to start with the morning before Cloudia went to that party and end with her conversation with Oscar. It even had a proper name: “The Countess, Once Again.” But I thought it would be too long and too boring, so I just kept the last part of it. I did like the beginning part when Cloudia woke up; I was quite sad to cut it. (I wrote it in late 2017/early 2018… while it was snowing! *sigh*)
While finishing the general outline and concept of Arc 4, I thought about roughly basing it on a fairy-tale, and because it’s set in France, I thought about picking a French fairy-tale. (Also the term “fairy-tale” was actually introduced by Madame d’Aulnoy, a Frenchwoman, so it would have been perfect!) Unfortunately, it did not work out because the arc became too stuffed with other things.
Originally, they were supposed to go to Réchicourt-le-Château, not Nanteuil-la-Forêt, but I changed it to cut their travelling time shorter. They were also supposed to stay at the proper Château Dupont, rather than at an acquaintance’s place. I changed it because I thought it would be too silly to say that, of all places, Nicodemus Townsend was spotted/the Clockmaker is living so close to where Cloudia’s relatives live. I just couldn’t do that – not after reading Villette…
Very early on, Townsend was to appear from the start of Arc 4. He was still the one who stole Queen Victoria’s super-secret box, but it would not have been so blatant. Instead, Townsend would aide Cloudia and Cedric and try to divert the investigation from himself. Cloudia was actually supposed to start liking Townsend (for some reasons), much to Cedric’s chagrin, but this particular aspect was so silly, I scrapped it all and rearranged it.
Originally, the last chapter (Mystery), the next chapter (Malady), and the one coming after it were one chapter. Please remind me to provide a word count for them when I have finished all three. What was I thinking…
Cloudia was lamenting about having apparently lost her family ring in the intermission chapter… Actually, I planned for Cedric to give her the ring in Faint and Low, wrote it into my outline, but I somehow forgot including it. Thankfully, I did not forget to make him return it to her in the intermission.
While working on the intermission, I thought about writing that Cedric and Milton met every now and then in the past year and became more acquainted with each other. Like, Cedric would come to Cloudia when she was extra busy, she would send him to town with Thomas, and they would run into Milton and Wentworth. But then, I finalised Milton’s story and decided that it would be better to say that he did not set foot into England since his villa was destroyed.
Milton and Cloudia met at a reception in 1846 because, years ago in English class, my teacher talked about how “receptions are little parties,” I jotted it down and thought “that might be a good place for their first meeting!” But, according to Wikipedia, “Formal receptions are parties that are designed to receive a large number of guests, often at prestigious venues [..]. The hosts and any guests of honor form a receiving line in order of precedence near the entrance. Each guest is announced to the host who greets each one in turn as he or she arrives. Each guest properly speaks little more than his name (if necessary) and a conventional greeting or congratulation to each person in the receiving line. In this way, the line of guests progresses steadily without unnecessary delay. After formally receiving each guest in this fashion, the hosts may mingle with the guests.” – which is not really what I had in mind back then. But I had already said that they met at a reception, so there was no going back.
There will be a total of three side stories for this arc. The Poker Game was the first. The second will come sometime in the middle after certain pieces of information were revealed. The last will come right after the arc wrapped up.
“The Earl, Reckless” and “The Siblings, Partners” are actually the first two pieces in a little series of five stories about Vincent and Francis. I hope to get out the third next year!
There will be a few more stories about them, but they won’t belong to that collection because they won’t be very readable as “standalone” fics. One of them is the pirate story which was mentioned in the second zucchini bonus chapter.
Names
Anaïs was always supposed to be a girl, but her name used to be Amable because it means “lovable” and I thought it’s such a cute name! Turned out it’s a boy’s name, so I changed it last-minute to Anaïs after the character from The Amazing World of Gumball.
Her aunt Sylviane was originally named Renée. I changed it because I remembered that “Renée” is the name of one of the musketeers in Barbie and The Three Musketeers, and I really dislike that movie.
Aurèle used to be named Gervais. But then, I named another character Gervais and forgot that I already had a character with the same name. Because I had worked more with the second Gervais in my head, I decided to rename the first one to Aurèle. At some point, I cut out the “final” Gervais (who was the original Clockmaker) though and replaced him with the current Clockmaker. So, there’s currently nobody with the name “Gervais” in the story…
I am actually quite lazy when it comes to picking names for any secondary characters. The names of the Dupont servants and most names of the inhabitants of Nanteuil-la-Forêt were generated with a random French name generator.
As I already said, I like naming characters after other fictional characters. I often base their personalities and stories on them as well. When I read a book or comic, or watched a movie or show which I did not like, I name and base characters who get killed, villain characters, annoying characters etc. after the characters from that book/comic/movie/show I did not like. For example, Maven, Manon, Axel, and Brenton were named and based on characters from Red Queen. Maven is, obviously, Maven. Manon is Mare, but her name is from Miraculous Ladybug because she was supposed to be the “puppeteer.” Axel Shade is named after Shade. (But his middle names are from The Infernal Devices which I do like.) Brenton is based on Cal. I chose the name “Von Brandt” because “Brand” means fire or blaze and Maven has fire powers in Red Queen. (-1/10 would not recommend that book.)
Nicer characters are, in turn, named after characters from media I liked. For example, Dahlia, Duke, Cas, the man Cas talked to in Duke’s tavern, and Lucas Renn are named/based after/on characters from A Darker Shade of Magic. Dahlia is Lila. Duke is Barron. Cas is Kell. The man he talked to is Ned. Lucas Renn is Alucard Emery (whose nickname is “Luc”).
Characters
Milton is my least favourite character to write because he has no humorous bone in his body. (Almost) everyone else is joking around, but I simply cannot picture him doing the same. At least, he can talk in waterfalls like most others – even if it’s in a different way. (This does not mean that I dislike Milton as a character! It just makes his dialogue a bit more challenging because he’s always very kind and never sarcastic. He’s the kind of person who, if you were to stab them, would calmly and softly tell you that it’s fine and that they have no ill-feelings for you even though they are literally dying and you are just a random thug.)
His rain-induced-heartache-memory-return is based on a similar thing a friend of my father’s has. When I was little – like six or seven – he and his family were visiting us. It was raining, and he explained that he had a heart operation many years ago on a rainy day and now, every time it rains, his heart phantom-pains. For some reason, it stuck with me, and I eventually decided to give Milton the same condition.
Townsend was a Frenchman (“Nicodème Etienne Bellamy”) for a very short time period because I thought “The arc is set in France, shouldn’t it have a French villain?” But then, I realised that it made no sense why a Frenchman should steal the Queen’s super-secret box and changed it back.
I wrote two stories for a Kuro Advent Calendar in 2017: Waiting and Warming. They were only replacement ideas though: Waiting was the replacement for a little game I wanted to put together but did not have the time for in the end. Warming was the replacement for a clockwork/clockmaker/machinery fic which I could not make work at that time. The Clockmaker Cloudia is searching for is something of a “remnant” from that fic idea.
Actually, Kamden was supposed to be the fidgety one before I gave that trait to Milton.
Misc.
While Milton is someone who does not really hate anything or anyone, I think he would very much dislike the song “Love is an Open Door” if the fic was set in modern times.
Because my sister once asked why “I draw Cloudia with short hair when she has long hair”: I do not draw her with short hair. I draw her with barley curls and a chignon, but the chignon is never visible.
Outtake – beginning of “The Countess, Once Again.”
The day Cloudia Phantomhive was to kill Ronan Parrish, she was tired – tired, bored, and wishing to be somewhere else.
She hadn’t slept well – she never slept well here – and her body both carved and dreaded more hours of sleep and rest. Cloudia had woken up far too early this morning and the dispute in her head had made her decide to stay awake and wait for the sun to rise – and in January, the sun was just as sleepy as she, but unlike her, it took its time to wake.
Not knowing what to do, Cloudia had taken the book she was reading from her bedside cabinet – The Chimes by Charles Dickens – but even though it was written by her favourite author, even though it was “just” a novella, she hadn’t been able to read more than a few pages. And so, until the sun rose and Lisa came, Cloudia spent her time staring into the darkness, the novella still in her hand. And when the sun had finally risen and Lisa had arrived, Cloudia nearly did not notice it; and when she was washing up and getting dressed, her head was still heavy and her body numb and she did not say a single word. Lisa did seem concerned, but Cloudia was thankful that she didn’t address it, that her concern was only shown in her gaze which Cloudia avoided.
Afterwards, Cloudia walked down the stairs to breakfast, the sun shining dimly through the ice-touched windows, and when she entered the parlour, Lisa in her wake and Newman opening the door for her, Oscar was already there.
Almost thirteen years ago, Cloudia’s father had died at the Phantomhive townhouse, and Cloudia herself had lost her memories. Since that day, Cloudia had never felt comfortable or safe or free inside the townhouse again – considering that she had ever felt like that here –, and because she was always sent back to that day whenever something triggered her – and this was even more likely at the townhouse – Eleanor and Barrington had decided that, even if she had Newman and Lisa with her, Cloudia was not to stay at the townhouse without another person. As both Barrington and Cecelia were busy and Oscar had helped her finding out about Parrish, although this “case” had been fairly clear from the very beginning, Oscar was staying with her.
“Good morning, Oscar,” Cloudia greeted him while sitting down, her own voice sounding odd to her.
“Good morning, Mylady,” he said, waiting for her to break her scone in half before he sunk his fork into his cake.
“Cake for breakfast again?” Cloudia remarked, but, instead of directly responding to her words, all Oscar said was, “Mylady, you should make sure to sleep more. Or, at all. It is not good for your health if you keep refraining from sleeping, even if it is the townhouse.”
Cloudia nodded absentmindedly and put cream on her scone. “I will when Parrish is dead and I can return to the manor,” she said, but Oscar did not reply and only ate in silence.
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Finding Goddess (Chapter 20)
Wednesday came and Carol decided she wasn't going to go to work. She had a lot on her mind and wanted to take some time off to think about what she was doing and how to prepare herself for it. She was converting to a religion she had only just learned about barely a week ago, felt she was scraping the surface of a history she never knew about before, and was going to live completely buck-ass naked for the rest of her life. She would have a lot of explaining to do. To her neighbors. To her landlord. To the people at the office. To various members of her family. To...her daughters. And truth is, she didn't have the foggiest idea where to even begin.
Would they all accept her decision and her fulltime nudist lifestyle? Would she be evicted from her apartment? Would she still have her job? Should she consider looking for a new residence and place of employment just in case? Would Mindy and Erin cope with having to see their mother naked all the time? Question after question piled up in Carol's mind, so many that they were starting to suffocate her.
Alright, let's just take it one step at a time, she thought as she stopped her pacing and sat down on the couch. Before I think about what will happen when I convert, I have to know...how do I convert to Zenrism in the first place?
It looked like now was the time for Carol to go to the Zenrists' website. So after informing the office that she was calling in sick for the day, the mother went to her bedroom and cracked open her laptop. The website was, well, generally what she expected it to be. It had a lot of nude imagery. Tons and tons and tons of pictures of girls doing stuff naked. Walking around in public, swimming in pools, drinking in bars, and even some going to class as both students and teachers. And yes, there were even images of girls engaging in more...sexual acts. Often in public. And there even appeared to be a section on the site for videos. If Carol didn't know any better, she would have thought she stumbled on another porn site, much like the one that specialized in nude-in-public erotica that she had been getting herself hot to last week.
She fought the temptation to browse the videos. Carol was here for information, not titillation, and if she started watching movies of girls walking around naked and having sex in public, she'd likely spend the rest of the day abusing her poor flower.
She did catch one interesting link leading to a questionnaire titled "Is Zenrism Right for Me?" She already knew the answer to that, but decided it wouldn't hurt just to try it out. Many of the questions it asked were expected. "I am nudist." "I am an exhibitionist." "I hate clothing." "I have vestiphobia." "I want to be naked all the time." "I want to be naked everywhere." "I don't want to do laundry ever again." Carol couldn't help but grin in amusement at how many questions pertained to one's feelings for clothing and nudity, but it seemed whoever made this quiz had considered them all.
Not everything was about nudity though. There were a lot of questions about relationships and sexuality as well. "I'm looking for love." "I'm lonely." "I want to meet more lesbians or bisexual women like me." "I just got dumped or divorced." "I want to experiment with lesbianism." "I'm looking for someone to share my specific kink with."
Then there were questions about life and spirituality. "I feel like there's something missing in my life." "I'm sad and depressed." "I'm having a crisis of faith." "My family is growing distant." "I'm having suicidal thoughts." Carol couldn't help but bite her lip nervously at some of them. Did girls really convert to Zenrism to save themselves or their families? And was the faith able to help them?
But then there other questions. Odd questions that Carol honestly had no idea how or why they applied to Zenrism. "I want to be beautiful forever." "I want to add years to my life and life to my years." "I live in a climate that's too hot." "I live in a climate that's too cold." "I'm terminally ill." "I want to be faster and stronger." "I want to save money on heat and/or air conditioning." More than one question made Carol raise an eyebrow, but she nevertheless answered them honestly. Who wouldn't want to be beautiful forever, faster, stronger, have a long life, or cut down on expenses?
After submitting her answers, the questionnaire tallied things up and returned a very high score for Carol, saying that she most definitely should convert to Zenrism right now!
"Can't say I'm surprised, but I guess that was an amusing use of my time. Hm, what's this?"
A new link appeared on the results page, saying "Take the Initiation Test." Idly, Carol clicked it and came to a new page. It was a lot less friendly, casual, and...sexy than the rest of the site. There was a distinct lack of color and naked female flesh. It was just a long stretch of cold black letters on a sterile white background, like what you would see on a final exam in high school or college.
"It really is starting to feel like I'm taking a test," she mused. "Well, might as well see what it's all about."
She filled up the top portion of the page, which asked for some of her personal details like her name and email address. Then she read the first question. "What is the First Tenet of Zenrism?"
Tenets of Zenrism? Carol didn't remember seeing anything about the Tenets of Zenrism. She must not have read that far in the Scripture. Nevertheless, the nude woman decided to at least wing it. What was the worst that could actually happen?
'The Zenrist must forever honor the Goddess and Her creation in all its perfection. Woman is the creation of the Goddess, and therefore she is perfect. Woman is made in the image of the Goddess, and therefore she is perfect. To bear the image of the Goddess is to bear that which is most beautiful, and to hide it is to spit upon all that the Goddess stands for and all that She has made. The Zenrist must never wear vestments and must bare her body forevermore, and let all who gaze upon it marvel in its perfection.'
Carol shivered as she finished typing her answer. That was...that was not how it felt to bullshit an answer to a test she had not studied for. Carol did not know the words the test was looking for, and yet the moment she started typing, they just flowed out of her like water from a faucet. And her text...it was written in that almost poetic prose that the Scripture typically used. Almost as if she was reciting it.
"N-next question," she mumbled, deciding to see what else the test wanted her to say. "What is the Second Tenet of Zenrism?"
'The Zenrist must abide to the purpose of which she was created for. Zenriah made Woman to love Her, and so it is Woman's duty to love Zenriah. Woman is made in Zenriah's image, and so it is Woman's duty to love Woman as well. To pleasure and feast on Woman's sacred flesh, to milk her yoni, to caress her buds and taste her lips and set her soul aflame is to give and receive the highest gift of all. The Zenrist must sexually gratify her self and her fellow women wherever and whenever they may be, and wherever and whenever they may hunger, and she must do so decisively and without shame.'
"I'm not even stopping to think about what I write," Carol mumbled as she finished typing her latest answer. "It's like I already know the answers. Okay, next question...what is the Third Tenet of Zenrism?"
'The Zenrist will not restrict who she will love and how many she will love. Woman was made to love the Goddess and all She created, and Woman is all the Goddess created. To not love and to not accept another Woman's love and to keep another woman for herself is to starve her self and to starve her sisters of that which they need to survive. The Zenrist must be polyamorous, ready to marry many wives and share all she has and all she is. For all women are Zenriah's, and all women are Woman's.'
One last question remained. "Why do we follow the Tenets of Zenrism?"
'To not follow the Tenets is to forget them. To forget the Tenets is to forget the Goddess. And without the Goddess, we are but cinders, doomed to fade and die, our divinity and our holy souls lost in the darkness forevermore.
'For only by abiding to our Goddess' Tenets may we connect and commune with Her. And as long as we commune with Her, we know that She is with us, and that we are with Her, even as We exist in worlds apart. The love that exists between Goddess and Woman is a love that transcends both time and space. And as long we love the Goddess, so too will the Goddess love us in turn. Always and forever.'
"Always...and forever." Carol's fingers trembled as she finished typing and her heart kicked with every syllable she put from key to screen. A warm tear rolled down her cheek. Was she crying? She was!
Carol shook her head, as though she was trying to shake the rogue thoughts out of it as though they were flies buzzing around her. It didn't work. Does the Goddess...really love me? And do I...really love Her? I don't know Her! I've never met Her! I don't even know that She exists!
She clutched a hand over her left breast and squeezed it slightly, digging her fingers into the sensitive flesh, which pulsed and shook with her still rapidly beating heart. Then why...do I still want Her?
Well, it didn't matter. She completed the test. The only thing left to do now was submit it and see where things went from there. So she did just that. A message popped up on her screen, thanking her for her time, informing her that it would be looked over by a Zenrist priestess as soon as possible, and telling her to check her email later to see what her results would be. It also recommended that she take the time to enjoy all the other features the site had to offer, linking specifically to the video section as if the page itself was giving her a wink and a nudge.
You sure are pushy for a webpage. But fine, if you really want me to watch your videos...
She nearly balked when she clicked the link. In a matter of seconds, her entire screen was filled with thumbnails, each promising to show her a sexy, high-quality adventure of naked Zenrists doing what naked Zenrists did. There had to be dozens of these videos, possibly hundreds, and they were just giving them away for free? This was like a teenage boy's dream come true! Or a horny middle-aged woman's.
But where do I start...wait, what's this video? 'Sacred Gathering at the Beach?' That looks promising.
It was. On a sandy beach, against the backdrop of crashing waves, a large group of women gathered. They were all fit, they were all gorgeous, and most of all, they were all naked. And on all of them, on various parts of their bodies, was the distinct tattoo of the Goddess' Sigil, marking them all as women of the faith. They gathered in a circle and knelt down in the sand, embracing one another, holding each other tightly. Some ran their hands down the lengths of their lovers' bodies. Some began to kiss. Some began to lay down, and others started to climb atop.
Then came the groping, the suckling, and the rubbing. And before Carol knew it, they were all having sex with one another.
So hot...so amazingly sexy.
They melted into one another, a great heaving, throbbing mass of feminine flesh that pulsed as if it were s singular living thing. Breasts jiggled, legs splayed in the air, and buttocks clenched and quivered everywhere. And all around them, people gathered. Ordinary people, clothed people. They stood a respectable distance around the naked lesbians as they rolled and rubbed and thrust and jolted against one another. Some had cameras out. Some were recording the proceedings on their phones. If the Zenrists had any problems with their intrusions, they made no sign of it. Then again, they didn't seem aware of anything. Every last girl and woman in that pile was in her own world, where only they existed. They, their sisters, their lovers, their orgasms, and their Goddess.
Carol began to stroke her groin, caressing her dampening clit.
Somewhere to the side, off-camera, a voice that sounded oddly familiar said: "What's going on here? What is this?"
Someone pushed through the crowd. A slender-looking girl in her late teens, with long black hair and a striking black bikini. She nearly fell backward when her eyes fell upon the mass of condensed sapphica.
"What the hell!"
Another girl appeared next to her, a tall blonde of similar age, with an especially gifted chest that would fill out an E-sized bra if she was wearing one. Which she wasn't, or anything else for that matter. She was naked, just like the orgy of lesbians writhing within the circle before her.
"This is a miracle," she said, looking at her raven-haired companion. "This is what we are all about, Erin."
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Completely aimless post in which I just talk about a plethora of things with no real goal other than that I felt like talking about it.
Martial arts are an art, end of the day, but one that is particularly difficult to be self-taught in. You really do need the instruction of someone, especially at first. If you have a solid base that was polished by a good master, then you can continue to improve yourself from there, but I think it’s exceedingly improbable for someone to be able to be truly self-taught as a martial artist. Just like with writing or drawing, there’s a difference between “good martial artist” and “good master”. Someone that is great at the arts might not be good at teaching them. Finding a good master, thus, is a task that should be viewed as it is under this lens. Likewise, you, as a student, can also be a good student or a bad student. A good master and a good student are a beautiful combination. Strive to be good, the rest will follow.
In a way I believe many people will understand it better: It’s incorrect to think of martial arts as active skills. ‘Martial Arts’ is a skill tree composed 80% of passive skills. You practice a punch or a kick or a clinch or a defensive maneuver not to do them consciously, you practice them so they become ingrained in your body language, so you react with them when they need to be used, and so you have the discipline to automatically know when they should be used. It is only in the highest levels of combat or when you are against someone of your level that mind games and the 3D chess games of “I’ll do this and that and this and that so they do this to which I respond with this but I should keep in mind they might do this at bullet point 3 so I’ll watch out for that and do this and that in that case instead” come into play, and they are thoughts that happen in a second, because they do not happen in words, they happen in motions you have ingrained in your body after laborious training. It’s why amateur martial artists tend to lose to street fighters but adept martial artists tend to wipe the floor with the same street fighters: Amateurs are still under the idea of “active skills” martial arts, whereas the adept simply does. Do, and the rest will follow.
It’s unhealthy to not realize and admit to your mistakes, but it is also unhealthy to never forgive yourself for them. Likewise, it is unhealthy to keep ‘friends’ that won’t let you forgive yourself, whether they make it manifest through words or simply through actions, subtle as they can get. It is a sad reality, but it is true. Avoid these friends. Make distance with them if they are not willing to let their own fears or grudge subside after you’ve proven you are not the you of yesterday. Don’t let them think you need to spend a lifetime atoning for once having been the you of yesterday. No one is, was, or will be flawless, but we can and should be better. Don’t let them not let you be better or feel better.
Years ago, I was immature due to my own bad experiences with some people that hurt me deeply and came to the conclusion that cutting people off was the right thing to do if they crossed you. Thinking back on it, it was me being afraid of being hurt again. I’ve long since moved on from this way of thinking, and I’ve embraced contact as the right way to handle things. However, as much as I regret the way I was, I decidedly do not regret cutting off the people I cut off, I simply regret the way in which I cut them off. The people I cut off are people I still do not want around me, and that I would’ve cut off anyways. What I regret is not talking to them and letting them know “hey, you’ve been shit to me, I really do not want to know you anymore,” because it’s unfair to wordlessly cut off someone, but it’s also unfair to subject yourself to more pain because supposed “friends” keep hurting you. I have apologized many times for being the way I was, but I will not apologize, not once, for the people I actually cut off. They are not all bad people, some of them are pretty decent, honestly, but they did me wrong, and not once or twice or thrice. Me cutting them off wordlessly wasn’t something I did after one tiny whoopsie, it was something I did after being wronged several times, and no one can say I didn’t give a bunch of these people chances, because I kept some around even after tons of fights and supposed ‘break ups’, forgiving them for their shit until I simply couldn’t take it anymore. What I’m trying to say here is that I’ve already paid my dues, I regret what I regret, and I acted bad, but that doesn’t mean I’m the bad guy and the other party was composed of poor wittle sunshines that were wronged by the big bad Dreamer. They had it fucking coming, and that’s all I have to say. If I have to feel like a perpetual villain around you because you happen to be friends with one of the people I cut off, then we might as well not be around together any longer, because fuck that noise. I am not saying your friend is a bad egg and you should consider your morality or the viper in your chicken coop or whatever, all I’m saying is that they wronged me pretty bad as well, and I don’t have to deal with your shitty ambivalence. You want to come to terms to this properly? Then fucking talk to me. Communication is the morale of the story, after all.
Yet, life seems to have a knack for having me, by chance or circumstance, be stuck with these people that feel this ambivalence for me for things I’ve already settled years ago. It’s getting really tiresome, and I do not have much patience left in me, years-long friends or not. Having to walk on egg shells because of their fears and/or over something long buried feels terrible, especially when the egg shells are from four-five years ago and everyone has moved on except these third parties.
It’s true that politics have different weights in the lives of different people: For some, it’s just a topic among many, and for others, it’s a matter of life or death. In that regard, I respect the decision to ignore the whole “I’m not going to lose friends over politics”: It is completely valid to part ways with someone over political ideas, for their abstract beliefs may mean concrete consequences for you. That said, I also respect the decision to want to part ways with someone for being too immersed in politics, because even though it may be their livelihood on the line there, perhaps you simply do not have the emotional energy to want to invest into a fight that’s not yours, when you already have your own fights. I personally am someone who doesn’t like politics getting in the way of friendship, but I’d also really rather you don’t turn everything into a political joke, either. It gets very exhausting for many reasons.
The ambivalence born from my love for neuroscience and my incredible distaste for memorization-heavy disciplines is something I think about every day. I love reading article after article of the fascinating new advances in neurosciences, but I cannot for the life of me sit down in front of a moldy textbook and memorize all of these names. It’s too boring. I like the part where we discover and experiment with cool new stuff, not the part where I learn what the name of the little bean-shaped thing behind the eye is.
I don’t think psychoanalysis is inherently a terrible form of therapy and that Freud should be dug up and shot again: I do not agree with most of what Freud said and I do not like psychoanalysis as a form of therapy, but it is true that Freud got the ball rolling for a lot of the future advances of psychology, arguably giving birth to the discipline in the first place, be that in the form of contributions to his theory or counterpoints to it. Whenever I see yet another post saying “SIGMUND FREUD ACTUALLY DID NOTHING FOR THE WORLD,” I simply chuckle, murmur “tumblr not knowing things again, I see,” and I carry on. What I hate about psychoanalysis, however, are the politics behind it. The moment you turn something that should be used first and foremost for the benefit of the people that need it, in this case mentally ill or afflicted people, and turn it into a game of power and influence for your own goals, is the moment you are inhuman garbage and should be removed as a psychologist. Suicide ratings are tragically high, mental health is still seen as a joke among many people, and you want to keep the hegemony of the “original form of analysis” just for the sake of tradition and your own benefit? Die. Really, just die. I don’t use this word seriously very often, but I really think you should die for the benefit of the world if you act this way. You are putting so many people in danger just because of your little game of politics. We are better off without you.
Final thought about psychoanalysis: If it works for some people, it works, and that’s great. The patient shouldn’t be molded for the technique, it is the technique that should be shaped to fit with the patient.
The video game difficulty dilemma is always... Annoying, to be honest, between people that miss the point and the sheer vehemence between both sides, it’s really hard to mediate, but aside from being annoying, it is also a genuinely fascinating topic. I love high difficulty, but I also love games being more accessible. End of the day, though, I think that the idea of bashing your head against a wall until you become skilled enough to surpass the challenge is a beautiful concept, so part of me really thinks that shouldn’t be changed when we specifically talk about FromSoft games. And it’s fine if that’s not your cup of tea! It really is, I’m not saying everyone should like this, but, well, it’s big part of their appeal and their “never give up” message, I don’t think it’s right to facilitate things, to be honest. There’s appeal in the “learn under hostile conditions” idea, after all, and I really don’t know how it is that you can keep that with facilitators. I’d be delighted if they can find a way, though, because I do want more accessibility and all. Hard topic. I immediately refuse to engage with people that see it as an “us vs them” topic, though, lol, I’m here about that constructive dialogue.
Writing is writing, roleplaying is roleplaying, and tabletop roleplaying is tabletop roleplaying. They encompass very different methodologies, I’ve come to learn. It’s pretty fascinating. I love writing walls of text, but tabletop roleplaying, I’ve come to appreciate as a fast and short form. Much like I’ve come to appreciate roleplaying, really. I don’t really do 21 paragraphs anymore, ever, haha. I’ve come to understand the beauty of rapid pacing in the last years. I think it’s pretty essential in a tabletop environment. My DnD group, for example, is composed of Busy People, myself included, and we can’t spare more than one day per week on it, so we try to make every minute of every session count. The verbal nature of it can’t be beat, and were I to DM a game on the net, I really think it would be ideal if we had voice chat to go with it. Though, I understand there would be other problems associated with that, but that’s another story.
Really wish I had more free time, I want to play Trails of so bad.
I fucking hate cooking, bwahaha, I cannot get myself to like it. I like the end result, but I hate the process. Still, I endure, because I like food the way I make it: For me.
Really miss sensei.
I can’t stand people that look at something somewhat dark and immediately dismiss it as ‘edgy’. Where’s your sense of style?
On the same token, though, grown ass people being unironically edgy is painful. “Don’t pretend you don’t want an unhealthy, sexy relationship” alright fam. Unhealthy dynamics aren’t the only way a relationship can be spicy, lol.
Wanna play some basketball.
It’s fucking autumn, baby, the sun has finally fucked off.
Winter palettes are still the best, and combinations of white, purple, turquoise, pink, and shades of green can’t be beat.
Wanna rewatch Shirobako.
I’m pretty fucking tired and short on patience towards numerous people for different reasons, the main definitely being that the thesis is fucking tiring, but I am overall having a good time and I am enjoying life.
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