#i am just extremely tired and have an early meeting tomorrow

[icequeenbae]

Hii! This is a more slow burn request so I’m sorry if it’s a little difficult, but could I request Heartsteel Ezreal x reader who’s knowledgeable and quite sarcastic and quick witted with their replies? I just wonder how their meeting would go with the whole Black cat, golden retriever vibe!

And maybe the reader sometimes suffers from low self-esteem and burnout.

Pairing: Heartsteel!Ezreal x Reader ft. all members

Heartsteel AU, attempted humor, fluff

Warnings: grumpymanager!Reader, Kayn is annoying as fuck… language? lol

Word Count: ~1.4k

© Please do not copy/ post on other platforms without permission.

Author’s Note: Hiii~ Thank you for the Ezreal request, sweetie! I do have my favorites in Heartsteel to write for, and he is definitely at the top of that list <3 Not sure if this is exactly what you wanted, but let’s give it a try! As usual, let me know via comments/ asks/ reblogs, I try stay on it~ P.S. The stuff I post for requests is usually not beta’ed, so pls bear with me…

You rubbed your tired eyes and cursed, checking if your fingers had any mascara on them. There was an issue to resolve, and you had hoped to finish up before the Heartsteel members returned to the waiting room after their rehearsal. But your plan failed miserably.

‘Our dearest manager!’ Kayn appeared next to you, wrapping his arm around your shoulder. ‘Always working, what a busy little bee!’

You raised your eyebrow at him and stayed silent until he cleared his throat and retracted his arm, while the rest of the members scattered around the room, minding their own business.

‘Someone has to work around here,’ you replied, typing away on your laptop.

‘You should take a break and go grab something to eat at least,’ Yone suggested.

His amiable comment made you release a desperate sigh.

‘They messed up the mic backup, Yone. Not to mention that we have the music video budget due tomorrow and someone screwed up the calculations. I cannot let you film without the drones or the special effects crew. If you do everything yourselves, you’ll be dead before you go on stage again, and I will be ripped into a million tiny pieces by the company or your fans. And I don’t know which one’s worse…’

‘If that’s Sett’s fans you’ll live. They all twinky as shit, look at Phel.’ Kayn cackled, and Yone glared at him.

Sett and Aphelios exchanged looks, probably deciding to give their most annoying member a proper thrashing another time just for the sake of your emotional wellbeing. At least someone understood how dire the situation was.

‘How can I help?’ The producer asked.

Although you appreciated the offer, you knew that they had to perform tomorrow, so Yone would have to supervise the last of preparations starting early morning. You could not allow him to spend the night helping you and then go straight into tomorrow’s work. The price of a screwup was too high on this one.

‘You can help by taking them out for dinner and making sure they’re tucked in later. I don’t want anyone out wreaking any havoc while I’m not around to settle everything.’

‘That I can arrange.’ Yone nodded, giving the rest of the members a solid onceover. ‘You heard Y/N, boys. No fun for you tonight, we have a very long day tomorrow.’

‘Ugh. Buzzkill…’ Sett sighed, and Phel pinched him on the arm, hard. ‘Ow!!’

‘I think we can live with one night in, guys,’ Ezreal interjected. ‘We’re so tired anyway.’

‘Speak for yourself, young man. I am full of energy!’ K’Sante retorted.

What a traitorous blow! You’d expect it from anyone but him.

Noticing your flabbergasted expression, K’Sante quickly continued.

‘…which I can spend by working some iron in the gym before bed time.’

You shook your head, trying to focus on your spreadsheet again. It was a little- no, it was extremely overwhelming, trying to fix several urgent issues at once, while running on a couple hours of sleep, half a sandwich (had to donate the rest to Sett – he’s still growing, after all… or so he thinks) and way too much coffee.

‘Are you going to stay here though?’ Ezreal asked, sounding too quiet for his usual bubbly self.

You assumed he was afraid to get the short end of the stick and make you explode with his question. But you were too tired to even yell at any of them.

‘Not that I have any choice,’ you answered dryly. ‘Not everyone can teleport, Ezzie.’

He pursed his lips, probably realizing that it was best to leave you alone before you gave him the same glare that Kayn had earned earlier. Unlike the demonic bastard, Ezreal was among the members who preferred to stay away from you when you were fuming, as opposed to irritating you further to poke some fun. Yone had already spent a week negotiating for you to take back your resignation once, so they were on their best behavior ever since. Well, the best they could muster, which wasn’t that great but in the grand scheme of things… you’d take what you could get.

After they all vacated the premises, you finally managed to send the updated budget numbers for approval, and made a few calls about the mic replacement. It was unbelievable, but you really had to find someone to get the necessary equipment and fly in to bring it on time. So you stayed at the venue to be able to check whether everything worked fine right away.

But later that night, a mystery visitor woke you up while scooping you off the chair to get you onto the sofa.

‘Mhm- what… Who’s here??’ You jerked up from your uncomfortable sleeping position, accidentally hitting someone in the face with your head.

‘Ow!’ You heard someone squeak and turned around, finding Ezreal in pain, holding his hand to his nose.

‘What on Earth brings you here??’ You instinctively pinched the bridge of his nose as if that would help with the pain. ‘Wait, what time is it? Where is my phone??’

‘I took it,’ he said, wiping under his nose to check for blood.

Thankfully, there was none, and he was okay. Your nervous system, however, was not as lucky.

‘What do you mean, you took it??’ You frantically checked the time on your laptop. ‘3:23? I was supposed to meet someone an hour ago! Why didn’t you wake me up?!’

You grabbed your phone from blabbering Ezreal, but he clung to you like a koala.

‘Y/N, I-’

‘I know. You didn’t think properly, and now I will have to find a way to get that guy to come back if he isn’t sleeping in his hotel already… Shit, Ezzie, you fucked up! No, I fucked up. How could I have fallen asleep?? Stupid, stupid, stupid!’ You knocked on your own head with your knuckles to make a point, and Ezreal caught you by the wrist with his two hands, looking as if you had hit him and not yourself.

‘Y/N, I already met with him and took the mics. We ran a test downstairs with some of the overnight technicians. Everything is set up and working fine.’

You blinked at him a few times, still confused.

‘Uh- You… did?’

‘Yes. I came back earlier and you were asleep. Then someone called you, so I figured- And then I went down and checked everything,’ he delivered anxiously. ‘I also brought you a sandwich- but I didn’t want to wake you, so…’

He grabbed a paper bag from the sofa and shoved it into your hands. You looked at it, and then back at Ezreal, your sleepy and stressed-out brain still catching up with everything.

‘Um- so you brought me… a sandwich?’ You asked.

‘Yes,’ he nodded, strangely bashful. ‘And a juice box.’

His cheeks became rosy, and you couldn’t help but burst out laughing. Ezreal looked like a stray puppy, unsure about whether it was safe to express his affection.

As your laughter settled, you finally exhaled. Everything was okay, thanks to your unexpected little helper for tonight. And now that he’d mentioned the food…

‘I hope you got me an extra-large one.’ You hummed, sitting your butt down.

‘I got two,’ he beamed. ‘And a chocolate bar.’

‘Good. You look like you could have some chocolate right about now.’

And of course, after such an eventful night, as well as the previous few days, having a full belly made you dozy again. Although you did notice Ezreal’s head slowly tilting towards your shoulder through the layer of drowsiness, you didn’t catch your own head leaning onto his.

Due to your carelessness, you were in for a rude awakening in just a few hours.

‘Now, isn’t that adorable?’ Even from the depths of hell you would have heard Kayn exclaim in the most obnoxious voice possible.

‘I’m taking a picture. For the family album!’ K’Sante announced, quick to utilize the camera on his phone.

‘Or future blackmail…’ Kayn sneered evilly.

‘Maybe I should post that picture of you stuck in the vault with your pants down, Shieda Kayn.’ You mused out loud, eyes still shut.

There were a few sounds resembling muffled cursing, and then Kayn walked it back.

‘Hey man, we shouldn’t take pictures of people sleeping. It’s illegal or some shit. Let’s just go check on the preparations, come on.’

And so, they went back to where they came from. ‘Manager…’ You heard Ezreal whisper, head still laying on your shoulder. ‘You’re amazing.’

Non-EXO masterlist

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A/N: Thank you for reading and happy holidays my sweethearts!! I have just a couple more requests to go~ I don't think I will take more for the time being but I might come up with another requests event for 900 or 1000 milestone! Please don't forget to comment and reblog if you want to support me 💜 And check out my masterlist for more of my HEARTSTEEL and kpop content 💕

[copperbadge]

I had a very successful and entertaining day today, as you guys can probably tell from the posts I made. There's a few more queued posts of stuff I didn't get to post in-situ, so enjoy that!

Some anecdotes I did not post about from today:

-- I can't remember the last time I queued for a museum. Mostly because if it's not one of "my" museums, like the Field or the Art Institute where I know the best ways in, I'm attending on a weekday deliberately so that I am not amongst the crowds. The line to get into the British Museum was a full block long, but to be fair it only took me ten minutes from opening to get inside. I was mostly amused by the people who a) didn't understand how museum entry works or b) didn't understand how to stand in a line without also blocking foot traffic on the rest of the sidewalk.

-- Almost got in a fight with someone, a definite first for me in a museum. I got salty with a guy who touched a sculpture when he knew he shouldn't, and he got up in my face, and I think genuinely the fact that I knew what the sculpture was called and he didn't confused him so badly he backed down. So if you're looking to defuse a situation via confusion, the phrase "Hey, don't fucking touch the Lamassu and we won't have a problem" worked for me.

-- The British Museum is great but among other issues (looted objects, weird relics of museum-specific imperialism, etc) it does suffer from poor display design in places. I'm okay with that, I kind of like old museums that are a little fucked up, even as I acknowledge that old fucked-up museums also have old fucked-up messaging. They appear to be trying on that front, but they could use a display placard overhaul. At one point I found an object in a case that appeared to be a carved human leg bone, and while I'm not a Bone Specialist there was also absolutely no placard about the bone at all. (I looked it up in the collection later using other objects in the case as reference, and it's just noted as "bone".)

-- I did have a great time overall; I saw most of the museum and then had a fancy meal, as documented. I was especially pleased to get to sample their coronation chicken since I collect tastings of coronation chicken, and I think they either used molasses in it or the bread had some, and either way it's grist for my mill as I start to develop The Chicken Salad War. After lunch I went on the hunt for a few last things, but I could feel myself getting tired and Becoming Unmedicated so I decided to leave a little early, which was the right choice, and gave me a little time to do some exploring.

-- @neil-gaiman did a post a while ago about stuff to see in London which I saved, and while I mostly planned my own journey, I did stop at Atlantis Books on his recommendation, which was well worth it. The woman working the till left me alone until I was ready to buy my book, then praised my choice (always a good move) and made a few minutes' small talk about my visit from America while she was ringing me up. Also I have never seen such a variety of Tarot decks for sale in my life. It was extremely impressive given the entire shop is roughly the size of my bedroom in Chicago.

All in all an excellent day out in London. Tomorrow I'm traveling to meet up with a friend, so probably fewer photos, but day after tomorrow I'm bound for Amsterdam so expect Rijksmuseum photos! I did not get into the Vermeer exhibit sadly, but I still want to see the museum and I'm on a quest for freshly made stroopwaffels and authentic gjetost, so I'm excited for the journey. I thought this trip might be one small anxiety after another -- would I be okay on the plane, would I get on the right trains, etc -- but I'm feeling more confident now, and I think between my early-bird tendencies and the ADHD meds I kicked the jet lag pretty quickly. I'm off to bed in a few, because tomorrow is an early day, so I guess we'll find out then how much I really kicked it....

[hockeywhhores]

house hunting- e. pettersson

elias pettersson x gn!reader

warnings~ two mentions of nudity, nothing really

genre~ fluff

word count~ 1.2k

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buying a house with a partner is always a major step in the relationship; an extremely stressful one at that . when elias first suggested it you thought it had been a joke. you were both curled up on the couch messing around on your own phones, even though the tv was turned to some swedish soap opera. having felt like a bother asking to use his macbook charger everyday, you had mentioned going back to your apartment to grab it, due to the late time you were just going to stay at your house for the rest of the night. you were just beginning to sit up and start heading out when elias just blurted out, “why don’t you just move in?” to say you were shocked would have been an understatement. 

“don’t you think its a bit soon for that?” you asked back, the relationship was just barely at the one year mark. “i can’t have you getting tired of me too fast.” 

“i could never get tired of you.” elias said back very seriously. “I think it could be a great choice; you already practically live here. our nights are already numbered due to away games and i hate sleeping without you. i just think you should at least think about it.” 

“i do hate sleeping without you.” you agreed and he gave you an ‘i-told-you-so’ look which made you giggle. “how about, if we are still going strong in six months, we will start looking. this apartment is too small for the both of us and we both have roommates.” you pointed out. its like he just remembered he still shared a space with quinn, because his smug look went away as he looked around the apartment and noticed the other man’s belongings. 

“that's a fair deal.” he finally decided. you laughed and tackled him with a hug. 

“i am having to go home tonight. i need my laptop charger for class tomorrow, besides you have a super early skate tomorrow. you need the rest.” you mumbled while kissing his neck. elias only grunted, not at all happy with what you have just said. “you can meet me back at mine after my 9 am class gets out, and we can go out for lunch?”

“that sounds lovely.” your beautiful swedish man said. 

~~~

you stayed true to your word. six months came and went, and now here you are looking at condos on the upscale side of vancouver. every condo looked the exact same: stupidly expensive, white walls, and real wood flooring with excess to a community pool and fitness room perfect for the summer. elias didn’t understand why you didn’t just choose the first one. they were all the same and perfect for both of you. 

“how do you feel about this one?” the blonde realtor asked you both. 

“i love it, how about you (y/n)?” elias quickly replied. 

“i love it too.” you said, not missing the sigh of relief elias gave out. 

“wonderful! i’ll have the contract sent to you both before the end of the week. you should be able to move in about two weeks after signing.” the realtor exclaimed typing away on her cell phone. you took one last look around the massive master bedroom you were all standing in, and gave out a sigh. this was all super nerve wracking. you were excited and scared. 

feeling the anxiety rolling off of you elias wrapped his arms around you from behind.“this is going to be great. waking up next to each other every morning. its going to be like heaven on earth” he whispered in your ear, kissing just below it to help calm you down. 

“i know, i know. i’m excited to finally live together, it’s just i don’t want us to move too quickly and get tired of each other.” you voiced your concern, leaning into his strong hold on you. 

“that won’t happen. i love you too much for that to happen, (y/n)” elias said after turning you around to look him in the eyes. you could have just melted into the ground right there, under the heat of his love. 

“i love you too.” you said back to him, giving him a kiss on the lips. 

~~~

back at your apartment packing has been a wreck. clothes, boxes, and hair products are thrown everywhere, and your roommate is insisting on keeping the pan set you both went half in on. you knew that elias would buy a new pan set and a whole new kitchen set if you asked for it, but you had always hated feeling like a bother. elias was packing the first load of packed boxes into the moving truck. “need help with the next boxes?” he asked. 

“sure. its just more clothes.” you chuckled out, feeling stressed. “kacey is refusing to give up the pans we bought when we moved in, so we are going to need to go get some.” 

“thats fine, honey. i took the liberty of furnishing the place before we moved in, if we need anything else i’ll just order it.” he said while continuing folding your jeans and placing them into the cardboard box in front of him. 

“babe, you know you don’t need to take on all the costs, right?” you inquired. 

“i know. i was very blessed with my contract this year, and want to put it to use. think about it as an investment into our relationship.” elias gave you the warmest smile and you felt yourself start crying. 

“i am so blessed to have you, elias. i don’t know what i would do without you.” you marveled still in disbelief that you had gotten so lucky in life. 

“i don’t know what i would do without as well.” he answered leaving the box he was working on and made his way to you. he sweeped you into his arms and kissed the very top of your head, wiping the tears from your eyes as well. “i can’t wait until we move in and i can wake up next to you, naked of course.” he winked then joined you in laughing at the comment. 

~~~

bright light shined into the room causing you to squint as soon as your eyes were open and you felt the weight of a hockey player under you. looking up, you noticed elias had yet to wake. taking this precious moment, you just watched his chest rise and fall calmly.

 after feeling like a creep, you kissed his chest and went to get up. elias immediately pulled you back down to him. “where do you think you’re going?” his morning voice coming through; his accent extra thick. 

“i need to go let the dog outside, and then i was going to start on breakfast.” you explained,

“just a few more minutes, pleeeesee.” he whined.

“no sir. bella needs to go outside, and i want some breakfast.” you said trying to pull away from him again as he continued to groan. “i’m not planning on getting dressed yet, so you better hurry if you want to watch me in the kitchen.” you chuckled as he sprung up and looked fully awake. it may have been stressful making such a big move in the relationship, but it has the best thing you have ever done for yourself and your relationship.

finished

[youaremy-dreamgirl]

Sweet talk

Pairing: Junmyeon x reader

Genre: (flirty) fluff

Word count: 807 words

Summary: you see him at a party and you need to talk to him

A/N: this is dedicated to the beautiful @cxsmicmyeon who was the only person I had in mind while writing this 😘

-------------------------------- ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ -----------------------------

"Who is THAT?"

"Oh no, no no no" your friend hurriedly steps in front of you to block your view "he's dangerous"

"What?" you peek your head to take another look at him "How? He seems nice"

"Exactly" she points her finger at you "he's charming, and charm is a man's most effective weapon"

You laugh as you roll your eyes."You're so stupid. What's his name?"

"No"

"Come onnnnn, please?"

Your friend sighs and takes a step to the side, standing next to you, both now in view of this extremely handsome man who's smiling at someone, drink in hand and leaning elegantly on the fireplace mantel. His hair is perfectly styled, parted in the middle, and a bit puffy, with a single strand falling on his temple right above his eyebrow that certainly didn't happen by accident.

"His name is Junmyeon, he's a lawyer and yes, he's single" she remarks that last part with a sigh "but like all lawyers, he is a charmer and he is no stranger to sweet talking to get what he wants, so be careful"

You nod, eyes glued on him as you see him engaged in conversation with someone who looks like she's trying her best to keep him entertained. And to think you didn't want to come to this party...

"How do you know him?" you ask your friend, taking a sip from your drink.

"He's a friend of my brother, from high school " she looks inquisitively at you "...why?"

"I'm going in" you nod, giving her your empty glass "wish me luck"

You take a step forward without waiting on her response, but you can hear her gasping quietly. He had finally stopped talking to that woman and was standing on his own, checking his phone. He immediately notices you approaching and swiftly puts his phone away, not breaking eye contact.

"I'm so sorry to bother you but your smile has been lighting up the room all night and I just had to come and say hello" you whisper this last part, trying your best to stay confident. If he was good-looking from afar, up close he's simply stunning.

He raises his eyebrows and smirks, tilting his head slightly to the side. "I’m Junmyeon, nice to meet you" he extends his arm towards you "I don’t know your name, but I’m sure it’s as beautiful as you are"

"I'm (Y/N), and the pleasure is mine" you shake his hand, his beautiful and soft hand. "So, aside from taking my breath away, what do you do for a living?"

This time he chuckled while combing a hand through his hair, a faint blush on his cheeks. You bet he's not used to being on the receiving end of these phrases, and him being a bit flustered feels like a victory to you.

"Sadly I am a very busy lawyer who has to get up early for a hearing..." he purses his lips apologetically "so, tell me before I leave, what number should I use when I text you good morning tomorrow?"

He asked it so casually that it caught you off guard, and you reacted by opening and closing your mouth like a fish out of the water. There goes your charm.

"That was smooth" you admit, smiling shyly. He hands you his phone and you write down your number, choosing to save your name with a 🐰 next to it before giving it back to him.

"A bunny" it was more of a statement than a question, but he still waited for an answer.

"I think they are cute" you shrug in response "don't you?"

"I do. It is my favorite animal actually"

"Really? Well... then I may have to show you my bunny tattoo someday. I think you'll like it"

He licks his lips in an attempt to hide his smile, failing to do so. "You are making it impossible for me to leave..."

"Oh please, don't let me get on your way" you joke "you are free to go"

He leans closer to you, taking your hand in his and lifting it up to his lips "Goodnight" he kisses your hand "I'm sure you'll wake up tired from all that running around in my mind tonight"

You can't think of an answer so you just stand there, cheeks burning and a stupid smile plastered on your face. He smiles back and winks, walking past you to the door.

Not one second later, your friend is next to you again. "Did he just kiss your fucking hand?"

"He...did?" you laugh "you were right, he is a charmer". You proceed to tell your friend about your interaction when you feel your phone buzz in your pocket.

Unknown number: I lied, I can't wait until the morning. Would you like to get coffee tomorrow? 🐰

Oh, he's good.

[beom-s-author]

Txt Reactions: How would they surprise you?

Yeonjun:

You couldn't see Yeonjun next to you in the morning and you went downstairs in curiosity. You saw Yeonjun talking to himself in the kitchen while trying to cook. He didn't notice you at first. You wrapped your arms around his waist and looked at him. He was scared at first, but then he turned to you and stroked your hair.

"Baby you scared me." When he looked at you and laughed again, you laughed too. You immediately rolled up your sleeves and helped him. The kitchen was suddenly filled with the two of you laughing. You continued a beautiful morning with a nice breakfast. You watched the sunlight pass through your window. The light was reflecting on Yeonjun. You pulled the curtain and continued to eat. You started a little conversation.

"I wanted to surprise you. Why did you get up early?"

"I just woke up. Besides, I didn't want you to get tired."

"I'm not tired. I wanted you to be happy."

" I am happy because I am with you Yeon."

" You make me feel loved."

" You too. Did you like it?"

" Yes because you made them."

Soobin:

You were trying to finish your homework. You didn't sleep for two days because of your hard work. You couldn't meet with Soobin, who was just as busy as you in this process. You shared nothing but "Good morning, Good night" messages with each other.

You woke up to another day when you were extremely busy. You started preparing your homework without even picking up your phone. Didn't know that Soobin had already called you tons of times. You have written and typed the last pages of your homework. Finally, you took a deep breath and took your homework to your room. It occurred to you that the deadline for the final project was tomorrow. You were still working on it. You were hungry. You didn't even have time to prepare something. Finally, you took a deep breath and took your homework to your room. It occurred to you that the deadline for the final project was tomorrow. You were still working on it. You were hungry. You didn't even have time to prepare something.

You decide to spend the day with instant noodles. As soon as the noodles were finished, you went back to work. Your 3-hour project was finally finished. You leaned your head back and closed your eyes. You were very tired. The silence felt good for a moment. Until your bell rang.

Soobin was standing at your door, holding food and small packages. He was wearing your favorite beret. You bought it for him.

After Soobin came in, he put the packages down. And he hugged you. And you hugged him back.

"How long have you been on your project, how many times have I called you, you still haven't answered your phone?"

"I was just very busy. But I'm done now. Shall we eat what you brought? I'm starving. "

"Let's go, love."

You followed Soobin and ate what he brought. Finally, you went into the room and talked.

"And here Beom accidentally stepped in Odi's poop."

You looked at Soobin as he laughed. His dimples caught your eye, his eyes met yours. You kept laughing. Soobin took your hands. And kissed you. You watched how his cheeks flushed.

Soobin took out the small package he had brought with him. When you saw an oversized sweatshirt, you knew it was Soobin's.

"You know I've been busy. And you've been just as busy as me. That's why you're stressed and can't sleep. I know that, so I brought you my sweatshirt. I washed it for you."

You took Soobin's sweatshirt in your hand and thanked him. You were already sleepy. You put on Soobin's sweatshirt and lay down next to Soobin. And before you knew it, you were asleep.

Beomgyu:

You left work and started going to your shared home with Beomgyu. It was one of Beomgyu's rare days off. You could see him at home while he was sleeping or watching TV. When you got home, you opened the door. the lights were off. You noticed a small dim light. You walked towards it and saw Beomgyu in his most elegant clothes sitting at the candle-lit dinner table he had prepared himself.

"I've prepared these for you. Come quickly, they'll get cold."

You went to your room and changed. You came downstairs to eat. Beomgyu was waiting for you. You sat next to him and tasted the food he made. It wasn't as bad as you feared, even good. You thanked him and continued with the meal. You told him what you did today.

Beomgyu listened to you and then you finished your meal. After you finished quickly, you cleared the table. The candles were melted. You washed the plates. Then you sat down next to Beomgyu, who was waiting for you, and started talking.

" Everything is okey in the work?"

" Yes but sometimes can be ridiculous you know?"

"I can understand you. And I can feel you're so tired. "

Taehyun:

In fact, everything was slowly accumulating. During this week, your life had been turned upside down. First you got a low grade on the exam. Then you argued with your family. Finally, you had a fight with your best friend. This was the last straw.

The weekend had finally arrived. You got up very late in the morning. You ate breakfast instead of looking at your phone. Then you answered Taehyun's calls.

" Good morning, Babe. I know it is a tiring week for you. But I wanna ask you something. Can you come over practise room?"

" Yes, I can. I will be there like 5 minutes."

" Love you."

" love you."

Taehyun greeted you at the door and you walked in. Everyone's very energetic spirit has already overwhelmed you. But you stopped so that Taehyun would be happy. Sitting on the couch and watching them, you witnessed Yeonjun talking to Taehyun.

" Is she okey? I think she is tiring. Why did you call her for be in there?"

" I just want to see her. And she want that too."

" She isn't looking good. She must be tired and sad. You should take care her."

" Okey. I will drop her to her house."

You and Taehyun went to your house and just sleep.

In the morning, you wake up very lately. And you can't see Taehyun in the bed. You try to find him in the house but he isn't here. You call him and he just say he is so busy now.

In the evening, you got a call from Taehyun.

" Babe, can you come over our place?"

" Yes."

You went to practise room. But the lights off. Then someone covered your eyes with their hands.

You walk and go to Taehyun's room without knowing where are you. And Taehyun pulled his hands back and you just saw a movie in the laptop with a good meal. You are shocked.

" I know you try your hardest in this week. And I can't help you this week. But now I think you like it?"

" Like, what a word, I love it. Thanks Tyun."

" My little squirrel is worth everything."

Hueningkai:

You are so sad about something in this month. You can't study or eat. Only just sleep and move. Hueningkai very worry about you. He always come over your place and talk with you. You always speak slowly.

You come home again and eat instant noodle. You try to sleep after that but your ringle bell. You open the door and see Hueningkai is in front of your door.

" I know I am not a good boyfriend. I always busy for you. But I think I can change it just one day. Can I come in?"

" Yes, you can. And you are not a bad boyfriend. You are amazing. I am sorry for everything. I can change."

" This is not your fault. You just feel anxious I can feel it. But you must know I am here for you."

" What did I do to deserve you?"

" I don't know but I know it is very good thing. Because you are kind and lovely."

You and Hueningkai watch some films and play videogames in your place. You feel happy now. You think everything gonna be alright thanks to Hueningkai. You thanked Hueningkai and hugged him as he drove back home. His face finally smiled when he saw that you were feeling better. After that bad week you had, you and Huening got through it. You just so thankful for him.

[celiaelise]

So.... Tomorrow's my last day of onboarding, and I was like, "cool I'll finally get a break", (I worked Thursday-Monday at my retail job, and then started training at this one on Tuesday) but then they scheduled my shadow shifts for Saturday-Monday!! With a staff meeting on Tuesday!!!

And the shifts at this new place (including this week's training) are starting at, like, 830-930 in the morning, which is VERY EARLY for me!!! 😭😭😭

Honestly, I'm not, like, mad that they scheduled me like this; I'm kind of glad that it seems like they want me to get started as soon as possible, and that I'm needed and will be getting shifts. It's just the specific combination of "I am extremely tired from working a lot of days consecutively" + "I am extremely tired from fighting with my typical sleep schedule and sleep disorder" + "I am extremely tired from the mental and emotional exertion of being in a new environment and learning lots of new things".

I know I could theoretically block off my mornings, (outside of trainings and meetings) but I guess I can't shake the hopeful optimism the one day I might be able to function before noon without it being a struggle. Cause I've done it in the past, and I think it's worth it, but I definitely won't do it without external impetus!!

Also, I reserved the middle of the week days for my retail job in my new availability, so I think they're trying to squeeze my shadow shifts in before then? But I'm actually not scheduled at the store during the week this coming week.

I'm considering trying to express (some) of this specific situation to the person who makes the schedules? And being like, "hey I know we said I wasn't available Wednesdays, but I actually am this week, and would appreciate getting a day off on Sunday, can we reschedule my shadow shifts?" They seem pretty understanding, and given that they're shadow shifts, and not something where they'd have to find other coverage if I'm not there, I think it may not be a big deal.

But ALSO there's a big part of me that screams not to show weakness and ask for special treatment at work, especially so early on. 🤷🏻‍♀️

[xavierkhalil]

"Enough."

The worst part of going through seasonal depression is the beginning phases. You know it's about to hit but just don't know how hard... There is a whirlwind of emotions and thoughts that circulate throughout the entire body. One moment I am extremely comical and jovial, the next I am somber and highly introspective. And, what's even more annoying is that gnawing feeling that something is always wrong with me. As if I am the project, and healing is the main assignment. That is dehumanizing.

I found myself this morning waking up hella late for work for whatever reason and irritated. I saw my coworkers and was instantly happy. I went to lunch and was introspective and felt this need to cry. I went back to work and returned as if nothing was wrong. Then we were dismissed from our office and I felt like I was on a downward slope for the rest of the day.

I had a meeting for a business venture that I am excited for, but I realized how financially insecure I am and feel. It was imposter syndrome and self-doubt, and plain doubt, that seeped into me. Right now, I am in constant survival mode, and anything that screams risk frightens me. I noticed that moments alone and reminders of financial insecurity bring me down to a low level of self-esteem. I am not comparing my situation to anyone else's; however, I am so dissatisfied that this is my reality. Is this motivation or just plain depression? I'm afraid to say it is the mix of the two.

I mean who wants depression to be their motivation to achieve. I just said in a few posts ago that achievement stripped away creative freedom. Now, it seems that achievement is what will cure my depression. Like how contradictory can my life fucking be?! God, I just want to feel normal for once. Like everything will be okay and that it won't always last like this forever...

On the other side of this, I have so much faith that things are working toward my good, and this how it always is. No matter how intense the mental war is waged, I still find a way to remain faithful. I trust God's promises for my life, even in all the uncertainty and self-doubt. Inherently, I know everything will be alright, and this won't always last forever. I just wished the moment where my life finally comes together was tomorrow.

The part of my life where I am sitting on an island working on something creative that has a pretty penny attached to it. Where I have several different jobs that feel like hobbies. A home with plenty of plants and black art. My significant other and I enjoying our love and planning our family. Where my children are respectful, respected, and loved. It just seems like that is so far away sometimes.

However, I have to check anxiety AND delusion and remind myself of where I am currently. That the life I want is being worked towards. I mean, I work hard as shit! I am constantly in prayer. Right now, my focus is on honoring and trusting God, gaining knowledge, and becoming the best version of myself in all arenas.

Yes, it feels tiring. Yes, I get in my heads sometimes. And yes, sometimes this writing it out in a journal or on my Tumblr shit does not feel like enough. Just being honest. But, outside of all the things I do and have accomplished, I am enough. I am enough to love. I am enough to fight hard for the life I seek to achieve. I am enough outside of the achievements. I am enough to be free.

I am just trying to get to the point where I can truly believe that to a point where I don't have to combat the voices in my head. I just want to believe I am enough. I mean I do. But I want the negative voices that travel throughout my body to silence.

I am enough. (You ain't shit). I am enough. (It's too early). I am enough. (No one is gonna fuck with it or you). I fuck with it, and I am enough. (Give it up, for real). It's not in me to give up! I am enough. I am enough. I AM ENOUGH!

I am. I am gonna keep fighting the voices to believe that for myself finally. I am enough.

[dasha-aibo]

if you dont enjoy living and have nothing to look forward to then what are you even doing with your life? you have some plans even if theyre stupid. everyone does. maybe youre worried youre overly ambitious but you cant do anything about that. i get feeling like its pointless to be open to other people when its guaranteed most people would find you being open to them irritating or upsetting. whats the point of being open though? most relationships have nothing to do with openess

even joy can be a false idol; the unhappiest people pursue joy and live the most unsatisfying lives. the happiest people are those who are contented by simple, shallow things such as extreme caffeine abuse, coworkers being willing to spend time around you at work, fantasizing about crushes, feeling proud of more successful family members. enjoying the warmth of the sun on your skin and scenic vistas. these become less satisfying as you age because stagnation is tiring

keep or start taking hrt and you will feel more comfortable as a person at least. know that while some people might not accept you because of your identity other people are rejected because they have sickness in their souls; because they are petty, depraved, hollow, joyless people. people see that their lives are pointless and understand that truth. yet even people who defy purpose can feel satisfied with their lives. you have a cute boyfriend. even if its tough to meet people, enjoy life.

i used to enjoy early morning walks as a child because i was a little hopeful, even though i knew i would probably ruin my life and other peoples lives. after wasting 5 years unemployed i ruined my life and other peoples lives and while i no longer appreciate beauty as deeply as i did when i was young i at least know that if i can provide for myself i wont have to care about my mistakes. but i am lucky to be unempathetic i guess

i feel like i have the potential to enjoy more things more deeply than i did when i was a child i just havent yet because i spend a lot of time being paranoid and dont see the value in most things. life is fairly meaningless and it can be difficult to enjoy meaningless things. drive down a scenic highway and you think how easily you can ruin your life by not sleeping enough and wrapping yourself around a lightpost.

alcohol similarly is enjoyable. gin isnt exactly sweet but it doesnt need to sweetened to be enjoyed. its just vodka distilled with spices but its aromatic or herbal or whatever. you can appreciate beauty in as many subtle or less subtle things that you enjoy and still never feel joy beyond simple contentedness. joy is an emotion that not everyone gets to experience as often as other people, but how important are our emotions truly?

if you were to die today then you would be dead today, what difference does it make compared to dying tomorrow or in 10 or in 50 years, really? so why rush to die? life is full of destinations we cant avoid, so why worry about dying or why worry about not being able to feel joy or why worry about struggling to connect with other people? whats important is whatever you decide is important and what isnt important is whatever you decide isnt.

more personal advice from me to you would be for you to try taking lithium or something. go to a psychiatrist and tell them you have anhedonia and you want to enjoy things slightly more or feel slightly more motivated and the antipsychotics or antidepressents they have might help.

even more personal advice; you are disappointed you cant connect with people as deeply irl as you can online. this is because people make fewer connections irl therefore they seem more valuable to us. so my advice would be to pursue both open online friendships and less open ones in real life unless the other person is being similarly open about themselves with you. real recognises real. or seek out people irl who are real ones.

like think about why people join cults. its because theyre deeply alone and are desperate not only for a sense of community but also for openness and connections with other people. this shit is extremely common and extremely normal. you are extremely normal for feeling the way that you do. very many people feel isolated, valueless and struggle to find beauty or enjoyment or satisfaction in their own lives. its common its like a part of life or societies or whatever its like natual

take a deep look at what you want out of living every day. if you can think of some things, pursue them. if you cant, ask why you keep going every day. even though you dont feel enjoyment and even though you feel deeply alone you still feel somewhat content about where you are or what you are doing with your life. your work isnt too hard on your body or your mind. your mental breaks are minor; a week without cleaning cleaned in an hour. frustration bleeding until only mild numbness remains

joy and love and passion arent necessary to have a bare minimum contentedness with being alive and living even if they can make it easier. they are also meaningless things themselves; their only value is what you ascribe to them. to feel joy you need to enjoy things, to feel love, love to be passionate, have passion. if you currently dont then you currently cant, simple as. it can be difficult to value things without objective value

imo the body or the mind subjectively values things. i valued the cute guy i worked with yet i didnt matter to him. i dont value certain family members who value or have their life revolve around or obsess over me to an extent due to perceived slights against them that may or may not be true. entirely arbitrary but again i cant bring myself to care; the body or mind values what it will.

people often feel guilt or feel disconnected from their community or family because they dont share values or ideals with them but guilt is also only an emotion. guilt is entirely arbitrary and is best ignored which can be easy when you barely feel other emotions as well. you can spend your entire life having the patience of an oak only to have joy sapped from you do to feelings of dissilusionment or whatever

i think the simplest thing is that if you feel disillusioned you dont have to settle for a negative mindset you can settle for the neutral mindset that has trapped you in a routine of wage slavery in exchange for assuanging guilt over owing society and family and whatever a debt of wasted time with hopes of forgetting guilt one day. guilt you remember yet ignore every day.

maybe im talking complete nonsense i dont know

my dad threatened to report me to missing persons for leaving the house (to go for a 10 km walk) as an adult. my sister defended him saying hes allowed to invade my privacy if hes worried. my sisters friend offhandidly said she feels like her family is invading her privacy in the same way without ever hearing what i said. my sister made the same excuse, being a flying monkey for her friends parents nosiness. i could wonder why my sister values being nosy so much but i dont have to

my sister doesnt value privacy because she is kind of dumb. im kind of dumb too. a lot of people are. i also dont hsve to wonder why peoples families are nosy. some people, even if they dont have negative intentions, dont have better things to do than cause problems for people who are currently dependent of them.

people everywhere are in similar situations and face similar issues caused by malevolent actions from people who arent malevolent and so on. theres a lot of pointless rot and you can either care about it or you can accept the way it is and try to either be more independent or condition yourself to feel more comfortable being deceitful. every difficulty has a solution. life has frustrating things.

whats most frustrating is that everything takes time and yet theres so little time and then you feel guilty for wasting time when you had more time available. yet youre thinking its a waste because you didnt do something you currently think will be meaningful yet in the future might feel is meaningless just like everything else in life. and so people who reach catharsis return to the hamster wheel of guilt until they achieve what never satisfies them truly

that is unless there are things which provide lasting satisfaction, in which case they should be sought out. which is why i think you should take hrt and try antipsychotics or antidepressents and see if they help. if they do they do if they dont they dont. also consider what you want to do and do it. and also accept that a lot of people may hate you, obsessing over other peoples opions is a massive time sink. not worth it at all

i dont have any better advice, so best of luck. ive read your blog for years and i respect you deeply

more specific advice is you can still feel content when experiencing things that used to bring you joy yet no longer do, at least

everyone thinks in retrospect they could have done things better and this is even worse when other people think in retrospect you could have and should have too. the past is firmly in the past and the future is loosely in the present. take guidance from the past, but anyone who says you should obsess over feelings of guilt likely has issues.

--

Thanks for all of that. It didn't improve my mood, but it did give me something to ponder on.

And also, no offense, but this is the closest approximation of a deep depressed lightly-inebirated conversation with an old friend you can possibly have through tumblr anon asks.

[softsky-daily]

3/17/2024

Some nice and soft blanket-y skies.

Positive thing: I had some really good food and had fun at karaoke for my friend's birthday.

Hotpot and KBBQ and karaoke hurt my wallet very bad but it's fine because it was for friendship and it was very fun. I am extremely exhausted now though. I was up early to meet up with another friend to motivate each other to send emails for internships, so I was already pretty tired, and then being out all night surrounded by people was also something. But I love all my friends, and it was a good time. I just hope my throat doesn't hurt too bad tomorrow from all the talking/singing I did. I drank lots of water and had cough drops so it'll probably be fine.

Tomorrow I have work (boo) but nothing else. I'll probably just work on a few things and goof off on my laptop the rest of the time.

[skinni-girls-eat-books]

Tuesday November 14th, 2023

2:30pm I passed therapeutics 3. I'm so numb from being tired but I know I'm proud of myself. I wish I had someone to celebrate with, to say congratulations I knew you could do it. I don't have that someone right now, but I know they're out there, I just haven't met them yet. Maybe whoever it is, they just felt their day get better for some indescribable reason. It's me :) I took two Benadryl between the exam and the review bc I thought I was going to have a panic attack so now I'm extremely tired, but I am waiting for my last meeting of the day, then I will go home and take an unstructured nap until I feel good enough to get up again and do my laundry. I can't believe I did it. And I did it for me alone, by myself. I'm so proud of me.

7pm meeting ran longer than expected and it's also raining and dark out so all productive plans have been postponed until tomorrow morning lol. 😁 Let's chill with wine and fruit snacks and watch some TV and go to bed early! I love myself. I need to give the cats more treats but I have to remember where I put them bc I put them out of sight from my cats so they don't tear the bag open but then I forget they exist so I should make that a habit ❤️

[eri-ceipts]

Wired for Life: The Unbreakable Attachment of Technology in My Life

A little walkthrough of a day in my life as a sophomore pre-med student around the metro. Living in this era wherein a lot happens in a short period, and everyone seems to mind their own business all the time, having some companion in life will save us from exhaustion. Lucky me, because aside from the people who make my life a little brighter, there is this one thing that upgrades my everyday adventure in life. Be prepped as I let y’all meet my unbreakable attachment in life, Technology.

Starting the day with having to fight the urge to stay in the dreamland, here comes my ever-reliable friend, Smart Alarm, to help me make sure that I start my day on time. Smart Alarm enables me to set up an alarm with my preferred ringtone, along with labels to ensure that I’ll be really alarmed and stay out of bed immediately. Being a pre-med student requires a lot of super early wake-ups in the morning, making Smart Alarm my best buddy in the morning.

Continuing my day, here comes Spotify to start up my day with an enticing mood. Spotify accompanies me throughout my preparation time as it places me in the right mindset by playing the right playlist they have curated just for me. This is also my buddy as I start my long and tiring journey of commuting to the university. Spotify is a great application for music enjoyers like me, as it lets you create playlists of your own choice. On the other hand, they also study your listening activity and create playlists from it. All in all, Spotify serves you in every mood you are in. May it be you want something planned by yourself or something that will surprise you, Spotify will serve you kinds of music according to your liking.

Going to the main highlights of my day, surviving my course up to this day would not be possible without the help of my laptop, along with the applications that are possible because of it. Almost all of the stuff involving my studies revolves around my laptop. Up from our learning platform Canvas, down to the learning materials, that are usually available in Google Docs. Having a device like this at this point in time is really essential, especially for college students like me. Given that classes are sometimes conducted online in Zoom or Google Meet, laptops, or even Smartphones are indeed important. Not having these kinds of devices and applications nowadays will really make you left behind with everything.

To close off my day, Facebook, Messenger, TikTok, and Instagram are my buddies before the day ends. These applications help me distress or shake off all the exhaustion. Through these, it helps me connect with my friends in an entertaining manner, given that these apps display entertaining content. As I pour all my efforts all day, a little break from all the productive activities is what I need, and these applications made it all possible for me. With their advancement due to technology, they make it possible for me to connect, share, and interact with all of the people around me, and even content that is my liking. After some minutes of scrolling through these apps, before I finally go to Dreamland once again, it is my time to set up an alarm using Smart Alarm so I am ready to start my day again tomorrow.

Lying in bed at night after finishing all the to-dos, I come to ponder upon the idea of how I am extremely tangled with technology in my everyday life. From the moment that I opened my eyes with the use of Smart Alarm, to how I use different applications and devices to go on with my day, and down to how I set up an alarm again to close my day off, it clearly shows how digital technology is incorporated into my routine. Digital Technology is like a friend that energetically greets me with a ‘good morning’ each day. It is also like a friend who offers me a cup of coffee in the morning with all those little chit-chats that set my day into a good one. It is also like a friend during a jeepney ride that tells me all the stories that need to be told. Like a friend that accompanies and helps me to do all of my tasks throughout the day. Most importantly, Digital Technology is like a friend that never leaves me, and is willing to make every work easier for me; it ensures that I get to do things comfortably through its service. Digital technology is like a friend that is wired to me for life, something that is attached to me forever, unbreakable. 

[kinetic-elaboration]

January 11: This Week So Far

I made it through the first two tough days of this week, and to Wednesday, which is just a Normal Day. I am such a creature of habit, I get all worked up about any change to the normal day routine. So the early part of this week was rather stressful, in a low-key, I-shouldn't-be-stressed-about-this-thing-but-I-am way. Tomorrow I have a meeting, and Friday I have several events--all good/fun things like staff breakfast, lunch out, a TS meeting (counts as fun, we never do work during those), etc., and even the search committee meeting is something I'm looking forward to because I'm curious to hear people's opinions on the candidates--so today is really the only day where work was just 8 hours to work on whatever I want and after-work is just...well, admittedly most of my days are like this, but basically, free and open.

Work was pretty successful. I think I have already veered from Deluge to Drought, which makes me pretty annoyed at all the stress I let myself feel last week, despite my best efforts. But I am feeling more under control, which is good. After work, I did NOTHING (no regrets, except for how late I'll sleep). All in all, a very neutral day for the middle of the week.

On Monday, I had my rescheduled dentist appointment, which went very well. It was extremely efficient and my teeth were fine, which I always worry about at this point, just because I've had these teeth for nearly 30 years and you never know what they're up to. Then I stopped by the Food Lion on my way home and also the Starbucks. Somehow got a blister on my toe...extremely sad since I wasn't walking that much, but oh well.

Then Tuesday were the candidate interviews, which went very well, but did eat up a hug chunk of the middle of the day. I liked both applicants a lot, and I think that was the general consensus. We were up in the Faculty Library ("by tradition" lmao--okay, I have never seen a library person interviewed in the Faculty Library and I've been here for years and seen like half the current stuff interviewed but okay, a tradition from the vault), which was sort of disorienting actually. But cozy.

After work I went serious grocery shopping, which also went very well since I didn't have much to buy. I need to keep that energy up--no extraneous grocery purchases in 2023. The Mart is in the midst of some kind of huge rearrangement of its grocery section, which made stuff hard to find, but ultimately I got everything I wanted. I'm curious what it will look like when they're done.

So I have accomplished much this week... a couple more days to go. I should probably actually be productive after work tomorrow because I have some home-things I haven't done but... we'll see. I am very tired and want to sleep.

[helloalycia]

The Wrong Lifetime — Epilogue // Wanda Maximoff

chapter fourteen | story masterlist | main masterlist | wattpad

author’s note: the final part is here! thanks again to everyone who stuck around with this fic, i really appreciate it 😊💗 now enjoy!!

The sound of a rooster crowing pulled me from my slumber and I groaned when I realised I definitely wasn't getting back to bed anytime soon.

Quiet laughter came from beside me and I didn't have to open my eyes to know that Wanda was finding my disgruntled self entertaining.

"I said yes to the chickens," I mumbled tiredly, not opening my eyes as I stupidly thought it would let me contain my sleep for a little bit longer, "but I should have drawn the line at the rooster."

Her fingers grasped my shoulder as she rolled over to hover above me. I squinted through my tired eyes, seeing the amused smile on her lips as she looked down at me. Despite how much of a morning person I wasn't, I appreciated how beautiful she looked with bed hair and a nightie.

"Shut up," she said jokingly, and I closed my eyes again. "You love them."

I rolled my eyes beneath closed lids. "I'd love to cook them, sure."

She slapped my shoulder gently. "Don't talk about Nikolai, Vanya and Sonia like that!"

A smile ghosted my lips. The first thing she'd done when getting the damn chickens was name them the most Sokovian names she could think of – I shouldn't have expected anything less. Though, now it meant she was extremely attached to them.

"My apologies, love," I mumbled.

She hummed disapprovingly before putting her whole body weight on top of me and hugging me. I sighed contently, resting an arm around her waist and appreciating the feeling of her so close to me. I could have fallen back asleep in this position if it wasn't for Wanda's wide-awake, curious self. Why did she have to be such a morning person?

"So, what are your plans for today?" she asked, fingers scratching against my shoulder blade tenderly.

I exhaled calmly. "I'm going to attempt to fall back asleep right now... then I'll let you know afterwards when I wake up."

She didn't say anything after that, and I was stupid to believe I'd gotten away with it because she suddenly got up and straddled me, jumping up slightly and startling me awake.

"Wake up!" she ordered, too hyper for my sleepy self.

I groaned, rubbing my eyes and finally opening them to see her looking down at me with a grin, hair falling around her face. There was a hint of annoyance in my expression as I narrowed my eyes, but she ignored it as she rested her hands on my chest.

"I hate you," I muttered.

"You're up now, so let's do something," she insisted, making me roll my eyes. "We should go on a walk. It's pretty outside. The sun's rising and it'll be fun!"

The sun's rising because its bloody dawn and that damn rooster crows at the same time every day, leaving me disgruntled and annoyed.

But of course, I didn't have the energy to explain that to Wanda, so I simply shook my head and closed my eyes. "Maybe tomorrow, Wanda."

She suddenly leaned down, jolting me slightly and making me open my eyes. She was inches away from my face as she pouted.

"Not tomorrow, now!" she exclaimed loudly, before leaning forward and peppering kisses all over my face.

I sighed, keeping her stable by resting a hand on her waist, but not appreciating the fact that falling asleep would definitely be a challenge now.

"I love you, Wanda, but please keep it down," I said quietly, still not used to her energy so early in the morning.

"Tell me what I can do to wake you up," she said sternly, stopping kissing me and sitting upright again.

"Absolutely nothing, love."

"Oh? Nothing?"

I hummed and closed my eyes again, getting used to her weight on top of me and deciding I could probably fall back asleep if she was quiet long enough. Wishful thinking, of course.

Her fingers found mine and she slowly lifted my hand, putting it underneath her dress and on her thigh. I knew what she was doing – it was cute – but it wouldn't work.

Not even bothering to open my eyes, I said, "Wanda, darling, we've been together for three years. I am able to resist your charm, believe it or not."

"Really?" she asked challengingly, letting go of my hand and resting hers on my shoulders. "I don't believe you."

Before I could counter her with a response, she leaned down and began nibbling on my ear softly. It was a sensation I was familiar with, but I refused to let her get her way, so I ignored her stubbornly. She knew me too well though, as she let go of my ear and trailed kisses down my neck before sucking on the skin sensually. Admittedly, I was a lot more awake then I was thirty seconds ago, definitely aroused by the gorgeous woman on top of me, but she couldn't win this. Not when she was playing very unfairly.

"Wanda," I said with a warning tone, squeezing her thigh and signalling for her to stop.

I should have figured that would provoke her even more, as she manoeuvred herself so her knee was now pressing between my legs. I'm ashamed to admit that I gasped into her shoulder at the sudden pressure, and judging from the quiet laugh she let out, she was very much aware of the effect she had on me.

"I told you you couldn't resist," she said knowingly, raising her head from my neck so she could meet my eyes.

Hers were darkened with pleasure and mischievousness, darting to my lips. I glared at her.

"I really hate you."

She shook her head, tongue wetting her lips, as a playful smirk stared down at me. "No you don't. Now lose the nightdress, moya lyubov' (my love)."

I tried to retort, but she closed the gap between us, lips capturing mine in a heated kiss. I definitely didn't mind being woken up like this...

—

After actually getting out of bed, I reluctantly agreed to go on a walk with Wanda, strolling around our premises and making the most of the countryside we lived in. As much as I didn't want to admit, I was glad she'd dragged me outside, since the morning stroll only made me appreciate our home more.

When we returned, Wanda went to her studio whilst I made us some tea in the kitchen, hoping to warm us up after the slight chill in the Autumn air. I joined her soon enough, smiling when I saw how involved she was with her work in no time. The studio was big enough for her to make a mess and it not seem so messy since it was spacious enough. I shouldn't have expected any different – Wanda couldn't tidy up to save her life.

"One day I'm going trip over your things," I announced as I stepped over some loose materials by the door, teacup and saucer in hand.

She chuckled, though her attention was still on her painting. "When that day finally comes, I'll clean up. Promise."

"Of course," I muttered sarcastically.

I stopped behind her and studied the painting she was working on. It was a close-up of a flower bed, with intricate details being put in the flowers themselves and ladybirds flying around. Wanda sensed my presence and accepted the tea from my hand, smiling at me gratefully before blowing on it to cool it down.

"Is this that commission you got last week?" I asked curiously.

She nodded, unaware of the paint streaks on her face. I rested a hand on her shoulder and pressed a kiss to the top of her head, smiling at how adorable she was.

"The guy is paying double for me to put twelve ladybirds in the painting," she explained with amusement. "He wants to be able to count every single one."

I snorted with laughter. "Wow. That's very strange."

She shrugged, though I knew she was thinking the same. "A commission's a commission... is it evil if I only put eleven in?"

I laughed, nodding. She glanced up at me with a bright smile on her lips.

"It's very evil," I told her, before squeezing her shoulder.

She grabbed my hand on her shoulder, holding it comfortingly. "D'you want to do some gardening later?"

"Sure. I've just gotta do some work on my manuscript first. The writer's block is real."

"Of course," she said, giving me a knowing look. "Best-selling authors don't just become best-selling authors without putting in the work."

I rolled my eyes at her comment, but a smile played on my lips. "I'm leaving now."

She chuckled and I pressed a kiss to her cheek, trying not to get paint on my lips.

"Good luck with the writing," she said as I began to leave.

"And you with the painting," I called back.

Today was nothing special – probably a regular day when it came to Wanda and I's lives – but it made me smile. If the past three years had taught me anything, it was to be grateful for the mundane.

After Wanda broke things off with Y/B/N, it took a while for both of our families to recuperate. In their eyes, Y/B/N had broken things off because he wasn't interested in Wanda anymore, hence our parents' reaction. And Wanda's parents were upset because they believed it was her fault that Y/B/N wasn't interested, hence their reaction.

Our relationship with the Maximoffs was inescapable though, since Y/B/N and I were authors of theirs, so we had to mend what was broken. The only person who knew the truth about Wanda breaking it off with Y/B/N, apart from me and him, was Pietro. He didn't know why, but he knew that it was Wanda's choice.

After things calmed down between our families and everybody's anger had faded, around about the time that my second book was released, I'd saved enough money from the sales to buy a place of my own. With my father's help, I was able to buy a cottage in the countryside – the perfect place for privacy and to do my writing.

It was surprising that I got help from my dad, since I half expected him to be against the idea. But he was so proud of me for achieving all I had that he was happy to help. So, I got my own place and the first thing I did was invite Wanda to live with me. Nobody really saw it as more than two friends living together, especially since Wanda had started selling her paintings under a male pseudonym. Her parents were only reluctant because they wanted her to get married, but after she told them that she didn't want to and stood her ground, they left her alone.

I think they realised that they couldn't exactly stop her, and if they tried to, they'd lose their daughter in the process. So, to Wanda and I's excitement, we were moving in together...

"Are we there yet?" Wanda asked for the millionth time.

"Terpeniye (patience)," I told her, and felt her smile beneath my hands that were covering her eyes.

"Nice pronunciation," she commented, and I couldn't tell if she was teasing or not.

We finally stopped before the cottage and I was buzzing with excitement. I'd chosen it with Wanda in mind, a surprise for her, since I knew she'd only ever wanted to live in a place like this. What better way to give her that then now with me?

"Okay, this is it," I announced, removing my hands from her face.

I stepped beside her, leaning forward to see her reaction. She was raising her eyebrows with surprise, taking in the appearance of the front of the cottage. It was in a lovely field with tall trees and colourful flowers surrounding it. Vines had overgrown the bricks, but it looked stunning and I hoped Wanda would think the same.

Her lips curved upwards into a grin of disbelief. "This is it? This is ours?"

I pulled the key from my pocket and held it out towards her. "It is. All ours."

She laughed wholeheartedly, jumping up with excitement before grabbing the key and pulling me into a hug. I laughed alongside her, returning the hug, before pressing a kiss to her cheek and motioning to the door.

"Do the honours and I'll show you around," I told her with a smile.

She was practically beaming as she moved to the door, opening it. Her excitement only intensified when she saw the living-room it extended into, a large fireplace in the centre of the back wall and the furniture already in place.

"We can change the décor," I told her as I showed her around. "This came with the place, but we can change it up to however we want."

"I love it."

I intertwined our fingers, admiring the sparkle of delight in her blue eyes as she looked around the place eagerly. That was the look that made this whole thing worth it.

"You've not even see the best bit," I said, before tugging her into the hallway. "There's a kitchen and our bedroom and of course, a study for me, but this is the bit I know you'll love."

She watched with curiosity but allowed me to skip the other rooms and show her the room that I envisioned as her art studio. It was a spacious room, filled with random, old furniture from the previous owners, but I ignored it and stepped further inside, facing Wanda.

"This can be your studio!" I exclaimed, motioning around me. "Look, here can be where your desk can be." I pointed to the left wall, the space in front of it. "You can get some shelves put here for your supplies. And here–" I pointed to the space before the window at the back, "–is where you can paint on your easels. The natural light will be perfect!"

She followed my every move, hanging onto my every word, and nodded along with a joyful expression.

"I can't believe you've already thought about it," she admitted.

"Come here," I said, waving my hand for her to join me. She did and I wrapped an arm around her waist, stopping before the window. "You see that?"

"The perfect view," she realised, eyes wide as they took in the view of the garden, which I planned to show her next. "It's beautiful."

"You can paint everything there," I said with a nod. "The trees. The flowers. And this place isn't far from the train station, so we can take some day trips, too."

She leaned into my side gratefully. "Y/N, I love it. All of it."

My heart fluttered as she said that, it being all I wanted to hear.

"We can also get the coop for the chickens you wanted," I reminded her, before pointing out the window. "Right there. We'll get fresh eggs and they're cute – what's not to love?"

She pulled apart, arms still laced around me, and I waited to see what she thought. Her eyes twinkled in the sunlight coming from the window, matching the smile on her lips. Then she moved forward quickly, kissing me hard and leaving me no chance to react before she pulled away.

"I have no words," she said softly, caressing my cheek. "I'm so grateful."

My face was warm as I smiled shyly. "I'm glad. You know I'd do anything for you."

Her smile widened as she leaned in again. "Thank you."

Moving in with her was the best thing to happen to me, and my dream of being published had come true, so that was saying a lot. We both knew we could never get married and be together in public, but this was the next best thing. We had our own little slice of heaven to merely be, and it was perfect. She could paint as much as she liked and I could write as much as I liked, the two of us making a living and not having to rely on husbands we didn't love.

The only people who knew about the truth of our relationship was Steve. I knew I could never trust my family with the truth, knowing liking women was very different to becoming a writer. So, I was content with them living in denial about why Wanda and I lived together. Wanda was the same with her parents, but it was a few months into moving in when she decided she wanted to tell Pietro.

I was obviously hesitant, since Pietro was a standup guy, the reason I was even as successful as I was, but I wasn't sure if he'd be okay with discovering his sister liked women and I was the one she was with. Wanda was certain he'd understand though, since he was her twin and would only want the best for her. Plus, according to her, he loved me, so he wouldn't have a problem with it.

He was her twin at the end of the day, and nobody knew him better than her, so I trusted her to tell him and decided we could do it at dinner, inviting both him, Steve and Peggy over. Peggy didn't know about Wanda and I either, but I wanted to tell her, so we decided to do it together...

"We've been here three times and it still makes me jealous how peaceful it is," Peggy complimented as the five of us sat around the kitchen table. "No annoying neighbours. No nosy townspeople. It's perfect."

"Thank you," Wanda said with a friendly smile. "That's why we love it, too."

"Are you all finished?" I asked, standing up to grab mine and Wanda's plates.

"Oh, please, let me help," Pietro offered, about to stand up, but I shook my head.

"It's okay, I've got it," I politely declined, before stacking the plates together to take to the sink.

I glanced at Wanda and she gave me a knowing look before clearing her throat and looking to her brother.

"Piet, can you help me with something in my studio?" she asked him casually. "There's a lightbulb I can't quite reach."

He nodded and wiped his face with his napkin. "Er, sure." He looked to everyone else. "If you'll excuse me."

The two of them left the kitchen, leaving me with Steve and Peggy. I distracted myself with putting the plates in the sink before popping the kettle on, knowing they'd want tea.

"Dinner was lovely, Y/N, thank you for tonight," Steve started, easing the tension he knew I was feeling. I'd told him my intentions before inviting them and he was completely okay with the idea. "You and Wanda seem to be more and more comfortable every time we come here."

I leaned against the counter as I smiled gratefully at him, knowing he was giving me an opening to tell Peggy the truth.

"Yeah, we are," I said, eyes flickering to Peggy's as she watched on with interest. "We, er..."

My mouth went dry as the words I'd practiced in the mirror this morning escaped me. I'd only ever told Steve about Wanda and I, and that was by accident. I knew Peggy wouldn't judge me, but it was still terrifying to admit.

"Y/N, sweetie, are you okay?" Peggy asked, a hint of concern in her voice.

I nodded, swallowing hard. "Yes, sorry..." I just had to say it. No more overthinking. "Wanda and I are together. As more than more friends. I'm in love with her."

Peggy raised her brows with surprise, barely believing it, but then she glanced at Steve and knew I was being serious. I let out a breath of relief, glad that I'd finally said it.

She stood up from her seat and I was half-afraid she'd leave altogether, but she didn't. She walked to me and pulled me in for a hug, squeezing me gently.

"Thank you for trusting me with such an important thing," she said, pulling away and smiling at me gently. "I guess it makes sense. You both compliment each other well and make each other happy. It's beautiful to see."

"Thank you," I said, returning her smile. "That means a lot coming from you."

She nodded and glanced at her husband. "I take it Steve already knew."

He raised his hands in defence. "Hey, I basically figured it out myself!"

She rolled her eyes playfully and I couldn't help but laugh.

"He did," I backed him up. "And he was the only person to know, so I owe him a lot. He gave me the support I wanted when I had nobody else."

Peggy smiled endearingly at Steve before looking to me with kind eyes. "Well, now you're not alone. You have me, too."

"I know. I'm glad."

"Does anybody else know? Or is it just Steve and I?" she asked hesitantly.

"Just you two," I explained. "My family would never understand. Especially with Wanda and her history with my brother. Same with her family. But she's actually telling Pietro about us now. I can only hope he'll take it well."

Peggy was certain as she said, "I'm sure he will."

I made tea for all of us and joined Peggy and Steve at the table as we waited for the Maximoff twins' return. Eventually, Wanda returned with her brother in tow and judging by the smile on her face, I could only hope it went well. Though I noticed the tear streaks on her cheeks and joined her side with mild concern.

"Are you okay?" I asked, grabbing her hand, but I didn't get chance to hear a response as I felt myself being lifted off the ground.

"Y/N!" Pietro exclaimed in my ear, hugging me from behind. "Welcome to the family, sestra (sister)!"

He set me down and stepped beside his sister, wrapping an arm around her shoulder and tugging her close. A grin was directed my way as Wanda's cheeks dusted pink. She was glowing with happiness, her brother's opinion mattering the most, and it warmed my heart to witness.

"I see things went well," I noticed, before smiling at Pietro. "Thank you, Pietro. It means a lot to have your support. Though you know this doesn't make me your sister, right?"

"Yet," he pointed out, making me sigh. "You know, I always suspected you had the hots for my sister, but I could never be sure."

Now it was my turn to flush with embarrassment, especially when Steve and Peggy laughed from the sidelines.

"Wanda's happiness is all that matters to me," he continued, looking to his sister with a genuine smile. "I'm glad she picked the right Y/L/N."

I chuckled awkwardly, eyes falling to a nervous Wanda. "Me and you both, mate." He laughed, patting me on the back, and I gave him an appreciative nod. "Seriously, though, thank you, Pietro. Your approval means a lot."

"No problem," he said with a shrug. "I'm always here if you need me."

"As are we," Peggy added, before looking to Wanda. "Both of you. Anything you need, ever, just let us know. It's what we're here for."

"Thank you," Wanda said for both of us, and when she looked my way, I knew she was thinking the same thing I was.

We were lucky that the most important people in our lives knew the truth about us and were supportive. We couldn't have asked for anything more.

—

As promised, after spending the morning on my manuscript and Wanda with her commission, we went into the garden to do some gardening. And by we, I meant I was doing it as she attempted to help out beside me.

"Hey, I think there's something stuck here," Wanda said, fingers stuck in a pot of soil.

"Then pull it out," I said like it was obvious, trying not to laugh.

I continued to rake the plant beds before me so I could eventually plant some vegetable seeds when Wanda's adamant voice spoke up again.

"I think you should check it out, Y/N, I can't seem to get it."

"Wanda..."

"Come on!" she insisted, and I sighed dramatically before dropping my rake and heading towards her.

Kneeling down beside her, I took a peek in the plant pot and put my hand in, rooting around until my fingers found something metal.

"It seems to be a ring," I realised, pulling it out and dusting the soil off it. "Maybe the suppliers of the soil dropped it in accidentally. Or maybe a bird dropped it in the pot without you realising..." I chewed on my lip with thought. "Huh. Well, here you go."

I gave it back to Wanda and prepared myself to stand back up, but Wanda groaned and facepalmed.

"What's got your knickers in a twist?" I asked with an amused smile.

She looked up at me through parted fingers. "It's my ring."

"How many times have I told you to stop wearing rings when we're gardening?!" I said questioningly, shaking my head. "Stuff like this always happens!"

She rolled her eyes and looked up to the sky. "Why am I in love with an idiot?"

"Wanda–"

"It's for you," she said, holding out the ring.

I furrowed my brows. "Well, why didn't you just– wait." My eyes widened as I realised what she was implying, feeling stupid for not realising sooner. "Is this– are you– huh?"

Wanda swallowed nervously before clutching the ring tightly and meeting my gaze. "I've been in love with you for a long time, you know that," she said softly, her accent thick with emotion. "The time we've spent here in our little safe haven has been the best of my life. And I... I know we live in a world that won't let us be together. But that hasn't stopped us."

My heart was hammering in my chest as Wanda offered me a small, nervous smile. We'd never talked about marriage since we were so content in our little bubble, but clearly she'd thought about it without me knowing. I guess I had, too. But I never expected either of us to do anything about it.

"I know we can never really be married, but what is marriage if not a union between two people who are in love anyway? I mean, we basically already have that." She snickered to ease her nerves, then licked her lips shakily, eyes tearing up. "I'm asking you to marry me and if you say yes, I'll know you're my wife and that's all that'll matter... so Y/N Y/L/N. Will you marry me?"

I didn't even need to think about it. Wanda was the love of my life and just like she'd said, the past three years had been the best. We could never truly be married in the eyes of the world, but she'd be my wife and that would be enough. She'd always be enough.

"Of course I will, Wanda," I answered, tears of happiness slipping from my eyes.

She raised her eyebrows. "Yes? You said yes?"

I laughed, nodding, and leaned forward to kiss her. She returned the favour, salty tears mingling between our lips, but it didn't matter because she was going to be my wife and that's all I could think about.

Our smiles broke the kiss and I wiped her tears away with my thumb before pressing another kiss to her lips.

"Here, let me put this on you," she said between laughter, hands fumbling as she tried to find mine.

I put out my hand and let her slide the ring on my finger. It was a simple silver band with a small, elegant gemstone sat on top, perfect for someone like me who didn't like anything too flashy.

"It's beautiful, Wanda, thank you," I said, smiling through my tears.

"I've been wanting to ask you for a while, but I wasn't sure you'd say yes," she admitted.

"Are you joking? Why wouldn't I?" I asked with an exploding happiness in my chest. "I'm so bloody in love with you, Wanda Maximoff."

She laced our fingers together as she nodded in agreement. "That's good. Because I'm in love with you, too."

And when she said that, it wasn't unlike anything she'd told me before. If she wasn't telling me she loved me, she was showing me in all sorts of ways. But this was different... this was the first time she'd told me as my fiancé. And then she'd soon be my wife. And it made me realise.

I'd spent so long thinking that if we were in a different life, we could have had it all. But we were getting it all now, so maybe, just maybe, this wasn't the wrong lifetime after all.

FIN.

[melancholymetropolis]

No Idea

Pairings: Athlete!Kirishima x PlusSize!Reader

Summary: College AU The reader is Kirishima's History tutor and they kinda have a crush on each other. It takes an afterparty filled with horny guys and a skin-tight dress for Kiri to realize he wants them all to himself.

Warning: Do I even need to say it at this point? It's smut, obvi. Kinda unedited. The reader and her best friend are black. Kirishima is a football player; he's VERY possessive over the reader. Her best friend is a little gay for her as well.

Author's Note: This was a commission!!!!! The client gave me this insane prompt and I had no choice but to go over the word limit. If you want to commission me, click here! Your support really means the world to me. Enjoy!

Word Count: 5,300

“You’re back early!” My roommate, Liza, yelled from the other side of the apartment-style dorm room. The sound of her chair scraping the floor followed shortly after, along with the light footsteps of her sock-clad feet. “I left you a plate in the microwave, in case you were hungry. I could heat it up, if you’re too tired— why the long face? What happened?”

“He didn’t show up,” I sighed as I dropped my books on the table and sank into a chair.

“How can he not show up?” Liza fumed crossing her arms. “His GPA is already in the gutter from all the other quizzes he seemed to fail before the semester even started.”

“I know,” I replied in a bored tone.

“He’s on academic probation—”

“I know.”

“One more hiccup and he’ll be off the football team—”

“I know.”

“Not to mention how you practically have to bend backward to make time for him—”

“Mhm.”

“Just for him to flake on you for the third time! I just—”

“Liza, please,” I rose from my seat and stood in front of her. “You don’t have to be angry with me. It’s truly okay.”

“No! It’s not okay!” She stormed to the microwave and pulled the cover plate from the inside. She removed the foil and pushed it back into the device, before pressing the start button four times. She turns to face me and forces an angered sigh from her lips. “He likes you, you know that right?”

I lifted my books from the table and walked to our shared room. I took in the words that she threw at me with each step and digested them. Kirishima liked me. It wasn’t as though I didn’t have an inkling that he may be, sorta found me attractive. Although I wore glasses, I wasn’t blind. At least with them on. I saw the way he looked at me when we were less than a foot apart. Shoulders practically touching as we slouched over the Advanced American History textbook. Our hands brushing against each other’s ever so often. The sparkle in his eye when he looked at me longer than a few seconds; the blush on his cheeks when I smiled at his corny jokes. His persistent tendency to walk me home, although most times, we finished our study sessions just before dusk. The way he stayed glued to my side during the journey to my dorm. How he’d carry my books on the way. I noticed it all and practically welcomed it, since I too found him attractive. The spiky redhead just had a way of making everyone swoon over him. Kirishima was genuinely a nice person, not because there was something in it for him, but just because.

The beeping from the microwave brought me back to reality. I placed the textbooks on the designated space on the shelf and fixed my scattered stationery from that morning. Liza shuffled in with a bowl of baked fetta pasta, and a piece of toasted garlic bread a few minutes later. She placed the bowl on the desk, with a fork, a can of sparkling soda, and my favorite metal straw.

“What did I do to deserve you?” I said with a tired smile.

“Helped me pass ‘Text and Ideas’ with an A-,” Liza smiled back and placed a hand on my shoulder.

“Oh right,” I took a seat at the desk and forked the starchy dish in my mouth. “This is heaven-sent.”

“I knew you’d like it!” She deemed walking to her own desk. “I got the recipe from tiktok.”

I hum in response and continued to stuff my face. After a few minutes of silence, I grab the phone from my back pocket and unlocked it. A new message from Kirishima was the newest notification from many and it said:

Hey, I am sorry for not showing up. My teammate got shitfaced and decided to take a dive into the fountain. It took three of us to pull him out. It sucks because I was really looking forward to seeing you.

Since my mouth had already filled to its brink with pasta, I opted for a tight-lipped smirk instead of a toothy one. Kirishima all but admitted that he missed me. My hunch was right: the feelings are mutual. I swallowed the pasta and swiveled around in my chair to look at Liza. Her eyes were glued to her phone, but she snapped her head up to laugh at the content on her screen. Once she was down laughing, I picked my phone up and pointed it in her general direction. Reaching forward, she grasped the device and quickly read the message.

“Don’t respond to him,” she said, handing the phone back to me.

“Why? I thought you were shipping us together?” I asked whilst forking more pasta in my mouth.

“That’s why I’m telling you what I am telling you!” Liza rose to her feet and in a split second, she stood in front of me with a sickening smile.

“I am afraid to ask,” I said with a sigh.

“You don’t have to; I’m gonna tell you anyway,” she squats between my legs and widens her smile. “That boy is already wrapped around your finger, all you need to do is pull away. Just a tiny bit and he’ll come running.”

“Liza. . .”

“Hear me out!” She rose to her feet again and walked to the closet. “Remember when I went thrift shopping last week and I picked up that cute bodycon dress?”

“Yeah. . . ?”

“Well, I washed it and realized that it didn’t have the BODY to fill it out properly.” She pulls the dress from the closet and turns back to me. “And since the Homecoming Afterparty is at the Quarterback's house tomorrow night, I thought it would be the perfect time for you to wear it.”

I eye the dress, taking in its extremely short length and strappy detailing on the front. One wrong move and my breasts would spill right out of it. But, one right move would have them fall onto Kiri’s lap. I tried my best to list the pros and cons of the situation. Pondering what I could get out of the ordeal going to the lion’s den dressed as a gazelle. Yet, all I could imagine was me twerking on someone’s son and taking him home afterward.

💘🖤💘🖤

The dress fit like a glove: perfectly tight, almost like a second skin, but very breathable. I paired it with some hoop earrings, a few bangles on each wrist, and 3-inch kitten heels. My goal was to dress to impress, not nurse my aching arches by the end of the night. The entire ride over to the nicer part of town was nerve-wracking, for one, the Uber driver wouldn’t stop staring at my cleavage from the driver’s mirror. And, secondly, Liza practically had phone sex with her boyfriend, who was going to meet us at the party. I stared down at my phone the whole time, rereading Kiri’s message and the ones he sent afterward. It was true, he was wrapped around my finger. He didn’t double text; Kirishima sent five messages in a row.

Hey, are you free tomorrow? I wanted to talk about yesterday.

I’ll buy you that weird thing you like from Starbucks.

The drink you said that tastes like the moon.`

And I’ll get you those cake pop things.

My heart couldn’t help but flutter; I didn’t know he was paying that much attention to me. I only mentioned that Starbucks drink once in his presence, quite a while ago. It had to be a little over a month ago, yet he still remembered.

The car stopped and Liza popped right out. Her 34 inch Brazilian, straight swaying behind her as she closes the door. Still chatting with her boyfriend, she motions me out of the car with an eager smile. Reluctantly, I detach myself from the cool leather and tug on my dress as I closed the door behind me. I looked up toward the mansion before me, white paint and overwhelming size almost frightened me. But, when I saw a familiar, spiky-haired, redhead, all my potential fear left my body and warmth replaced it.

Kirishima’s back was to me; he was having an intense conversation with his best friend, Bakugo, one of the team’s Linebackers. The blond was so close to popping a fuse but Kiri was struggling to keep from laughing directly in his face. I approach the porch, slow and sensual, my eyes glued to him the entire walk over. Kirishima briefly turns around to address a comer of the group, Sero, an offensive player, when his eyes come up the steps. The humorous expression on his face drops and is replaced with awe. The other two boys look in the direction of his eyesight and replicate his reaction.

“Hi—” I lifted my hand to wave, but it never made it past my abdomen. Liza appeared right in front of me and captured my wrist.

“Girl, it’s our song! Hurry up!” She said as she proceeded to drag me into the house.

“Bye—! Wait, damn!”

Liza pulled me to the makeshift dance floor in the middle of the living room of the home. She starts to bop side to side, swaying her hips in place. It takes me a few seconds to register that “34+35” was blasting the speakers. Liza twirls around me in a fit of giggles and continues to bop along to the music.

“I thought you liked “positions” better than this track?” I questioned as I matched her rhythm.

“I do! I just had to get you out of there,” Liza answered as she swayed her head back and forth. Which made her hair move in an angelic wave behind her bandeau top and pencil skirt. “Those three guys looked like they wanted to run a train on you.”

“ELIZABETH!!!!” I screamed with a shocked smile.

“What?! I’m not lying!” She gives me a bashful smirk. “You look so good, mamas! Shit, you're making me rethink my relationship with Shinso.”

“Oh my god!” I laughed. “I can’t take your ass anywhere, for real!”

The song began to fade out and bleed into “Pussy Talk” with the infamous City Girls. Liza’s soft bops began to move into full booty bouncing. Soon her hands are on her knees and she’s throwing her ass back on my lap. I press my hand flat on her back and lift my other hand in the air. She whines her waist and looks back at me as her inner hot girl is threatening to make an appearance. Shortly after the first verse, Liza straightens her back and dances around me as I bop to the side, bouncing my ass to the music. A smile comes to my lips as my favorite part plays on full blast.

“Pussy talented, it do cartwheels,” Liza and I screamed in unison. “And he pay ‘cause he like how that part feel.”

“Pussy give speeches, heartfelt,” I continued, popping my back against my friend.

“Yuh,” Liza ad-libbed.

“Said the pussy really talk like it Garfield,” I rapped as I felt Liza’s hands glide up my sides.

“It do!”

We danced around each other for the rest of the song and pulled away from the floor, desperately needing to hydrate. We practically stumbled toward the makeshift bar across the living room. We reached into the cooler and pulled out two bottles of water. We chugged the water and tossed the empty bottles in the trash.

“Only water, ladies?” Mineta asked as we turned back towards the dance floor. “You don’t want something a little. . . stronger?”

“Get lost, grape juice,” a familiar voice suddenly came out of nowhere.

Just a few feet behind the purple blob stood Kirishima and Shinso. If looks could kill, Mineta’s body parts would be staining the marble floors and messing up my fresh pedicure. The poor excuse for a human scurried away as both football players approached us. Shinso instantly wrapped his arms around Liza and planted a kiss on her forehead.

“Having fun, baby girl?” His low voice sounded sensual against the harsh music.

A seductive smile falls on Liza’s face. “I would’ve had even more fun if you actually danced with me for once.”

“You know I don’t like—”

“Too bad!” She pulled Shinso to the dance floor.

Leaving me alone with Kirishima. I turned to look at him and offered him an awkward smile. “How was your diving lesson?”

The redhead returned my smile and scratched the back of his neck. “So you did read me my texts? I was starting to think you were mad at me or something.”

“Not at you, per se,” I replied thinking of my words carefully.

“Then who were you mad at?” Kirishima closes the distance between us and puts a finger under my chin. He redirects my attention to his face and gives me a smirk.

He looked good and he knew it. He wore a simple white t-shirt and black ripped jeans. But, he paired it with a burgundy leather jacket and a Cuban link silver chain. He had a gold wristwatch on his left wrist and a simple chain on his right. And his cologne. . . it danced in my nostrils. It wasn’t too heavy or suffocating; you simply had to be close to him to smell it.

Kirishima was playing a dangerous game and he knew it.

“At the people that take you away from me,” I looked at him with doughy eyes and slightly parted lips. A look of innocence was written all over my face.

Kirishima clenched his jaw and briefly looked away. A blush starting to form on his cheeks. “Well, I—. Shit.” He remained silent for a few seconds, gathering his words, before saying “You don’t know what you do to me, Y/N.”

“And what’s that?” I asked while removing his hand from my chin and bringing it to my lips. I gently kiss his bruised knuckles, never breaking eye contact while doing so.

The redhead opens his mouth to speak but is rudely interrupted by a yelling Liza.

“GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE, BITCH!!!! THEY’RE PLAYING OUR SONG!!!!”

While I was talking to Kirishima, the music seemed to slip away. I had no idea what was playing until I refocused my attention on the blaring speakers. “Come on, Kiri. Duty calls.” I drag him to the dance floor.

Liza unlatches herself from Shinso and twirls around me. “I’m not shy, I’ll say it. I’ve been picturing you naked.”

“I’m a little faded, you look like a fucking painting,” I continue the verse as I glide my hands along my body. “Big doe eyes, amazin’. She’s everything I’ve been prayin’.”

Liza walked up to Kirishima and glided her hand along his chest. “Me and your girlfriend playin’ dress-up house.” She pressed two fingers against her lips and poked her tongue out. “I gave your girlfriend cunnilingus on my couch.”

Kirishima blushes a bright red, nearly matching his hair. It takes everything in me not to laugh.

I look back at Shinso and he’s just shaking his head with a smile on his face.

“Go get your girlfriend, before she devours your teammate,” I said giggly quietly.

“Go get your best friend before she kills your loverboy,” Shinso counters looking down at me with a smirk.

“He looks like he's gonna pass out,” I replied, struggling to contain my laughter.

“If you think that’s bad, you should’ve seen him when you were twerking on Liza,” Shinso jested while leaning closer to me. “Eijiro looked like he came in his pants.”

I smacked his arm and leaned against his chest. “You’re lying!” Laughter overcame my body; tears were gathering in the corners of my eyes.

“I swear to god,” Shinso struggled to say while laughing. “Then, when Bakugo called you hot. . . Eiji almost went feral.”

“Stop. . . I can’t breathe. . .”

“You better fuck him like the world is ending. . . I can’t keep stopping him from. . . fighting the entire team over you.”

“You and Liza. . . perfect for each other. . . I cannot. . .”

The song swiftly faded out into another. Yet another one of Liza’s favorites: Buss it by Erika Banks.

The young woman peeled herself from Kirishima and began walking to her boyfriend. I distanced myself from Shinso and walked over to Kirishima. I wrapped my arms around his neck and looked into his eyes. “Are you okay, Kiri?” A smile painted my lips.

His eyes darkened and he gripped my waist firmly. “I want you. . . so bad right now.”

“How about we get outta here?” I suggested with a raised eyebrow.

“Go say goodbye to your friends, I’ll bring the car around,” Kirishima asserted with a smirk. He pressed a kiss to my forehead before detaching himself from me and walking out of the living room.

I turned back to Shinso and Liza, who were seconds away from eating each other’s face off. I tapped the loving couple and cleared my throat. They both pulled away and stared at me.

"We're leaving," I said simply.

"About fucking time," Liza replied with a smirk. "You better come back to the dorm in a goddamn wheelchair, if not, I'm sending you back to his place."

"You have like zero chill," I shook my head and waved goodbye.

"Don't forget to use protection!" Liza yelled after me.

A chuckle fell from my lips as I walked out of the front door. I found Kirishima exactly where he said he'd be: parked in front of the massive house, within a bright red mustang. He exited the car and walked around to the passenger side of the vehicle. He opened my door and helped me get in. Kirishima made sure I was buckled in and comfortable before entering the car on the driver's side.

He starts the vehicle, and places his right hand on my thigh. He gives the plush fresh a securing squeeze before pulling away from the curb.

The drive was short and sweet, averaging around ten minutes. We parked across the street from the boys’ dorm hall and exited the car. Kirishima opened my door and helped me out of the vehicle.

"If you don't want this, I could always take you home," he said as he shut my door. "I don't want to pressure you into anything."

"I want this more than you know," I responded while gripping his hand. "But, if I ever feel uncomfortable, I'll let you know."

Kirishima nods and smiles. "Good girl. Now let's go."

The moment his dorm's door closed, his body was pressed against mine and his hand glued to my waist. His lips massaged against my own, slow and sensually. I moaned against the kiss, and pressed my body closer to his. He felt so good attached to me, almost like he was meant to be against me. His searing hot kisses inched down my jawline and to my neck. Kirishima's hands slid up my abdomen and to my shoulders, he slipped the straps from the curved surface and pulled away just enough just to allow me to remove them from my arms.

He kissed the other side of my neck, leaving little bites here and there. The redhead ran his tongue against my collarbones and I swear a flood rushed to my nether regions. Kirishima kissed down and left my breast, gathering the anticipation that swirled through my body before latching his lips on my nipple. A throat my moan fell from my mouth and my legs jolted slightly. My mind continued to fog as he nestled against the sensitive bud, while happily moaning against the soft flesh. I pressed one hand against the front door and another in his hair.

Pants left my lips as I began to squirm underneath his body. "Take me to the bed, please," I begged while looking down at him. " I want you so bad, Kiri."

The redhead detached himself from my breast and gripped my chin. "Say my name, baby." His red eyes stared deeply into my brown ones, taking in every little detail of my expression.

"Eijiro," I said breathlessly.

"Say it again," he broke eye contact and gripped my waist.

"Eijiro."

His hands slipped down the curve of my rear and to my legs. He lifted limbs from off the ground and wrapped them around his waist. I wrapped my arms around his leg immediately afterward and giggled.

He walked further into the dorm room and passed through another dorm. He sits me on the extra-long twin bed and falls to his knees between my legs. Kiri unlatches my strappy heel and tosses it to the other side of the room. While he does the other foot, a smirk presses against his lips.

"What?" I asked while looking down at him.

"I'm just thinking about how this started," he said while smiling. "How my shifty grades gave me the best thing that ever happened to me."

"Stop it," I counter with a blush on my face. "You're exaggerating."

"Baby, I mean it with every fiber of my being when I say this," he leaned forward. "I've wanted to be with you for a while now, I just didn't know if you'd like me back. And I was kinda ashamed of taking so long to say something because you're so sweet and you really helped me a lot with Advanced American History. I didn’t want you to think I was using you for information or anything."

I leaned forward and pressed my lips on his forehead. "I liked you even before I officially knew you. When you beat the shit out of that guy that tried to home a drunk girl."

"I don't even remember that."

"It was during a Halloween party last year, that was when I first saw you. And I thought, "wow I wish more men like him existed in this world"."

"I can't believe you remember that."

"How could I not? You basically saved that girl's life and dignity. You were the only human being in a room full of predators. That's when I knew I wanted you for myself."

Kirishima laughs. "Greedy, little Y/N."

I shrugged.

"Come here."

I gathered the football player into my arms and pressed my lips onto his. Taking in every ounce of his kiss. Sucking on his bottom lip. Slipping my tongue within his mouth. Tugging against his collar to close the distance between us. After a few seconds, Kirishima kissed down my body again until he was face to face with my heated center. He scrunched the dress around my waist and pulled my panties off my legs before spreading my legs wide open.

"Oh… look how wet you are, baby," he kissed the soft skin in between my thighs. "All for me."

Kirishima dipped his head between my legs and took a long swipe at the sticky mess between them. A shiver ran along my spine, Arching my back, I released a soft whimper and spread my legs further apart. He dipped his tongue into the smooth canal repeatedly, bobbing his head as he completed the action. His calloused hands slid up my legs once more and hooked around my thighs. Kiri moved his hot mouth from the very bottom of my womanhood to the top, leaving a long string of spit along the way. The redhead sucked on the protruding bud tenderly; with hollowed cheeks, he looked up from my heat and stared into my eyes. I bit my lip and moaned loudly.

“Fuck, you feel good,” I arched my back against his mouth and bucked my hips slowly.

Kirishima released my bud with a silent “pop” and began lapping the rosy, pink button in great haste. My legs jolted at the new source of stimulation and a throaty whine fell from my lips. Squeezing my eyes shut, I squirmed underneath his mouth, desperately wanting to add more friction. Kiri noticed my slutty movements and began to move his tongue even faster.

“Ah. . . just like that, don’t stop,” my fingers gathered my bosoms and gave them a firm squeeze. The walls of my slick cave began to clench and release themselves at a faster pace. Tingles rose up my body, swirling against my lower abdomen, almost numbing my lower half entirely. Then, a searing sensation ripped through me, causing my hips to raise from the bed and my knees to shake. A low scream left my mouth as I felt the throbbing of my bud increase tremendously.

“Oh fuck! Oh fuck! Oh fuck!” My hips fell on the bed again and my legs shook violently. Kirishima steadied them as much as he could before a whole another wave hit my body and my entire being went still.

“Ah! Eijiro!” I screamed as the pleasure shot through my body for the last time. Pants left my throat and short spurts, just as sweat dripped from my forehead. I looked down at Kirishima, who had just pulled away from my spasming cunny. He had a look of astonishment on his face, as if he couldn’t believe his eyes. He looked down at my wrecked body, taking in the shaking limbs, the thin layer of sweat upon it, and the scrunched-up dress at the waist.

“You sounded so hot screaming my name,” he finally said after a few seconds of silence. “No one has ever made it sound so good as you.”

“Well, grab a condom and I’ll scream your name for the rest of the night,” I replied with a smirk. “If you can last that long.”

“Oh, baby,” Kiri’s smile widened. “You have no idea.”

He walked over to his dresser and pulled out a box of condoms from the top drawer. He ripped one off the sleeve and walked back over to me. I pulled the scrunched-up dress over my head and tossed it to the side. I looked over at Kiri and he’d already stripped himself of his T-shirt. He was currently unbuckling his belt with the condom packet in his mouth. His massive bulge immediately caught my eye and I moaned in anticipation. Kirishima rips the packet open with his teeth and rolls latex down his throbbing shaft. My walls clench at the delicious sight and I could feel my nipple begin to stiffen

“If you’re still tired, we can wait a little—” Kirishima begins to say before I cut him off.

“Eijiro, stop being nice and fuck me like a slut.”

His lips were on mine within the next heartbeat. His hands roamed every crevice of my body, taking in the soft tissue and stretchmarks lovingly. His throbbing member slowly slid into me with little to no friction. He made sure to thumb my clitoris while inserting himself, just so he wouldn’t hurt me. And I swear, I was seconds away from asking him to marry me. He gently moved his hips backward, and then pushed forward again. Highlighting his first stroke. He looked at the crimson hue on my face and leaned down to kiss me.

“You are so pretty, princess,” Kiri groaned softly, as he moved his hips at a gentle pace. “So, so pretty.”

I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him again. Our tongues danced together as his member tenderly kissed my sensitive walls with each thrust. Kirishima moaned against my lips, as he took in every part of that union. He hiked up one of my legs and hooked it around his waist while he cradled the back of my neck with the other. He looked into my eyes as he increased the pressure of his strokes and their depth. My mouth hung open, and drool poured from the side of it as he kept up the sickening pace. My eyes began to roll back as throat moans rose from the depth of my body.

“Oh God. . .” I slurred as the pleasure increased within my body.

“Aww look at my pretty baby,” Kiri grunted as he rested his hand on my neck. He pressed his thumb between my lips.

I sucked on the digit and looked into his eyes. He moved his hips faster and my lips separated from around the finger. Pants fell from my lips as I felt his member sensually assault my cervix. After a few minutes, Kirishima suddenly pauses and hikes one of my legs up to his shoulders. He readjusts his body, leaving his hand on my neck and placing his hand on my clit. Kiri began to rock his hips in a powerful, but steady motion. He rubs the throbbing bud in a gentle motion, slowly gathering every ounce of pleasure within my body. The pace of my breathing increased rapidly, as the pool in my stomach began to inflate. Whimpers fell from my lips as I gripped the sheets underneath me.

“I’m so close. . .” I whispered through tight lips. “Please don’t stop. . .”

“You’re squeezing me so deliciously tight, baby,” Kirishima grunts as a droplet of sweat drops from his brow. “Milking my cock for everything it’s worth. What a greedy little cunny you have.”

“Eijiro. . . I wanna cum so bad,” I whimpered through pants. “Please let me cum, baby.”

Kirishima curses under his breath and releases his hand from my throbbing bud. He places both hands onto my neck, thumbs pressing against my jaw. He eases his body forward and keeps his sickening pace. “You’re gonna be the death of me, I swear.”

I sucked in a breath and wrapped my hands around his forearms. I furrow my brows and pant with my mouth open. “You make me feel so good, Eiji. So fucking good!”

“You’re mine, you hear me?” He drops his hands from my neck and presses his forehead to mine. “You don’t get to fuck anyone else. . . . .You don’t get to be with anyone else. . . .My name will be the only name you moan for the rest of your life, do you understand?”

I nod. “I understand.”

“You’re mine and no one else's.”

He pulls me into a searing hot kiss. Drinking in all the love and energy throughout my body. I hook my arms around his neck and moan against his lips. Suddenly, I felt an intense rush of adrenaline pass through my body and everything seemed to go silent. A low ringing noise sounded in my ear as my mouth fell open. I dug my arms into his back and clung to his body. Every fiber of my being tensed and my mind went completely blank for several seconds. Then, slowly, my body released itself and collapsed onto the bed. I opened my eyes lazily to see Kirishima’s eyes tightly closed and his hips slightly shaking. Once he finished his ride, his body relaxed and he lowered my leg from his shoulder. He pulled me into an embrace and pressed another kiss onto my lips.

I pulled away from the kiss and looked into his crimson eyes. “Were you serious about calling me yours?”

“Ugh. . . yes?” He replied hesitantly. Then, he added “If that’s okay with you! I don’t wanna force you—”

“I wouldn’t have it any other way,” I cut him off with a smirk.

“Oh, I was worried for a second.”

“The only thing you should be worried about is your Advanced American History grade.”

“Oh, right. . .”

“You miss another one of my sessions, I’ll ignore you again.”

“Please don’t! I will be present at every session.”

“Good. And you have to be Starbucks.”

“The drink that tastes like the moon?”

“Matcha latte with 2 pumps of chai. Yup.”

“And two chocolate cake pops.”

“Mhm. You know me so well.”

[catgirlforkaeya]

innuendos

kaeya x afab!reader

idek what genre

warnings: lowercase + some swearing prob + kaeya may be ooc idk im very tired rn + suggestive content but no smut + not proofread

a/n: helloooooo i am once again writing while i am tired— shocker ikr?!1!1 also i’m sorry it’s pretty short i didn’t rly know where i was going w this. anyways enjoy :D

mondstadt’s knights were holding a ball tonight. at first you were really iffy about going, dances were never really your forte. the only thing that made you go was when kaeya asked you to accompany him. it was hard when he gave you those puppy dog eyes.

so now here you were, in the middle of a ballroom slow dancing with your boyfriend. you felt like everyone’s eyes were on the two of you. you didn’t dare to look though, you just kept your eyes on the ground, or locked with kaeya’s eye. whenever your eyes would meet he’d give you a grin. the type of grin that made you almost melt right there. something about it made him ten times hotter than he already was.

“you look very pretty tonight, my love,” kaeya bent down, his lips brushing against your ear. you figured he did this so he wouldn’t have to talk too loud, but it was probably because he just wanted to tease you.

“why thank you. you look very handsome yourself,” you hoped he could hear you. your voice was barely above a whisper. the ballroom was somewhat chatty, which is to be expected.

“that dress looks very good on you,” his fingertips trailed up your spine, causing you to shiver slightly.

your dress was a strapless royal blue color. it had a v-neckline, most of that section was a gold design. it had a slit in the leg, exposing your mid thigh and down. the dress was snug to your body, the only part that was loose was around the knees and down. you really expected to hate it, but it was shockingly comfortable.

“though, i think it’d look even better on my bedroom floor.”

you lightly smacked kaeya’s chest, him letting out a hearty laugh in response. he couldn’t go one night without being horny.

“i could say the same thing about your suit, kaeya.”

kaeya had a suit that was matching your dress. it had the same royal blue color, with gold designs around the cuff of his sleeves. he had the usual low cut shirt, it was his signature style. his eyepatch also had gold around the ends, it was still black though. his hair was still in a low ponytail, it was a bit looser than usual.

“oh? so you do wanna have some… ‘fun’ after this is over?” he mumbled against your skin, placing kisses on your neck. you could almost hear the smirk through his voice. cheeky bastard.

“maybe,” was all you could get out. he was making you extremely flustered. you could feel your face heating up by the milliseconds. kaeya pulled away from his position so he could look at you, getting a better view of how flabbergasted you were at the moment.

“y’know, if we weren’t… the center of attention right now i’d probably take you right now,” he brought his hand up to your cheek. his thumb ghosted over your lips while his other fingers rested in the same position.

you let out a sigh, you couldn’t take this man anywhere. two can play at this game though.

your hands wrapped around the necklace he had on, pulling him in. your faces were inches apart, your noses brushing against each other. your eyes met. kaeya’s one exposed eye was filled with lust, yours were slowly filling with it too.

“if you keep making these innuendos, why don’t we just make them come true.”

—

to say the least you two ended up leaving the ball early, raising some suspicion from others but you didn’t care. you two barely even made it through his front door before he had you pinned against the wall, lips connecting with yours. his hands working fast to take the dress off.

you definitely were going to wake up sore tomorrow.

[formidxble]

summary: you and chan follow a routine every night. tonight’s different. 

pairing: bang chan x female reader 

word count: 3.1k

genre: angst, like Extreme Angst™️, college!au, established relationship

warnings: a lot of swearing, toxic relationship, mentions of sex ( oh and btw, this is not beta read. we die like men)

note: omg? finally? i got to write something and now i’m posting it on here? confidently??? who is she, we don’t know her! enough jokes though, this is my first fic ever that’s going to be posted on this platform, so i’m excited! constructive criticism and feedback are welcome 👉🏻👈🏻. 

tagged ❤️: @popisdead @hanflix

ˏˋ°•*⁀➷ masterlist

it’s become routine at this point. 

when chan sees your room’s light turn off, it’s a signal that your roommates are now headed to bed and that you’re ready to come out and meet him. it’s been a busy few months for the both of you and the nights were the only time you two could meet. he’s a business major working on his business proposals for the semester and you’re a performing arts student, preparing for this semester’s art production. saying it was hard to make time to see each other was an understatement. nevertheless, you two made sure you still met, may it be only for a few minutes. some nights you were lucky, being able to meet for an hour or so. nights were reserved for chan and for chan only. 

after putting on your coat, you reached out for the door knob as you felt your phone buzz in your pocket. “are you coming or not? i’m freezing” you sigh softly.

the first few nights were fun, you have to admit. impromptu grocery shopping for the both of your food supplies for rest of the week, a few make out sessions here and there, and sometimes, leading to even more if you both were lucky enough. it gave you a high you never thought you would ever come down from. whenever he kissed you after a long day, you felt as if the weight on your shoulders fell off, even for just a moment. whenever chan held you in his arms and told you it was going to be okay, your chest loosened, even for just a moment. chan was the calm in the chaos and when you were in his car, holding his hand and feeling his lips lingering on yours, he provided the needed break you longed for during the day.

but, as the days and weeks passed by, the nights became shorter and quieter. rides became quicker and the good conversations slowly turned into mere small talk. no longer would he give you soft touches, no longer would he ask how your day went, and no longer would chan look at you the way he did before. no more i love you’s, no more second glances when he dropped you off at your dorm during the early hours of the morning. you excused the change of behavior as the result of your fatigue in school. the change was expected, you always told yourself.

it’s become a mantra now, something you repeated to yourself as you lied in bed at night, a routine. a routine. 

you close your eyes for a moment as you twist the doorknob to open the door. you focus on your phone again as soon as you got out of your dorm. “coming."

you spotted chan’s car a mile away. before, he would put the window down to greet you, a soft smile spreading across his face. now, you were faced with the car’s tinted windows, your reflection staring back at you as you wrapped your fingers around the handle of the car door. you heard the lock click. 

“hey,” you mumbled. you heard a soft hum in response. you quietly put the seatbelt on, relaxing your back on the seat as you stared ahead. chan was on his phone, seatbelt off. light from his phone illuminated his features. the bags under his eyes were a little bit more prominent than the last time you noticed. you wonder if he’s been eating, getting enough sleep, but you weren’t in the position to ask now. not when frustration is starting to boil in your chest.  

you didn’t know if you should call him out. it was his way to unwind as well, but then again, he was there to pick you up for a short date. this was the only time you both had for yourselves, yet here he was, texting away on his phone. this shouldn’t annoy you as much as it does now because chan does this whenever he was waiting. 

“hey,” you repeat louder. chan looks up from his phone, an eyebrow raised. 

“yes?” he asks, turning his phone off. the two of you are surrounded in darkness, with only the light from the lamp posts outside lighting the interior of the car. 

“what do you mean, ‘yes?’ are you serious?” chan furrows his eyebrows at your words as he straps himself in. he turns to you, blinking. you suck in a breath. 

“this is the only time we get to spend together and you’re on your phone? are you ser—“

“i’m sorry. there,” he breathes,  “can we move past this? i’m not in the mood to fight.” he interrupts. you open your mouth to say something back, but you’re cut off by the movement of the car. 

the air inside the car was heavy, heavier than usual. sure, you and chan had a couple of unresolved fights the other nights and sure, you spent you early mornings crying over him, but it should have been resolved with the few kisses he gives you, right? then why are you so upset now? chan makes amends, tells you he’s sorry for raising his voice, for ignoring you the whole day. he was busy, right? of course he’ll end up not texting you. he kisses the pain away, even though he’s the reason for said pain. he talks his way out and if he avoids the topic of the fight, you wouldn’t mind. that was the routine. but not tonight, apparently. 

“you’re always not in the mood.” you whisper, crossing your arms in front of your chest. you watch the trees outside of the car starting to blur as chan’s driving sped up. this night will end as quick as it started, you thought. you hear a sigh beside you. 

“i just—“ chan starts, “i can’t fight anymore, y/n. i’m tired.”

“and you think i’m not?” you answer back, looking at the man beside you, “god, we never talk anymore, chan. all we ever do is fuck the pain away and—“

you’re cut off by the sight of chan’s knuckles slowly turning white on the steering wheel. you almost don’t see the way he clenches his jaw. he pulls the car over at the side of the road and for a second, you think you two will be able to finally talk about your issues, the problems that were never muttered, but still plagued your relationship. god knows you wanted to hear from him, anything— fuck, just anything to finally resolve it, fix it. to finally end the routine you both had. but that hope shatters as soon as his mouth opens. 

“what do you want me to say? we’ve been okay, we’ve been fin—“

you let out an exasperated sigh, eyes meeting his, “we aren’t fine, chan, we haven’t bee—“

“what do you mean?” chan questions. he removes his seatbelt to turn to you. a gentleman he still was, even though you knew he was avoiding the topic. again. “fuck, what do you want me to say? i was on the phone. how does that merit a full blown argu—“

“it’s not about the damn phone!” you exclaim, finally feeling the frustration in your chest blow over. 

were you going crazy? why didn’t he see the changes? doesn’t he feel the frustration? were you the only one feeling this way, then? does he feel that everything was okay or were you that good at acting that everything was okay, that nothing was wrong? you run a hand down your face as you try to collect yourself.  the car became quiet, as always. chan was never really vocal about things like this and let you do the talking. maybe this is why issues were never resolved. 

“then, what is it about?” chan mumbles, eyes never leaving your form. you let out a soft scoff.

"what is it abou—are you kidding me? are you fucking with me?”chan raises an eyebrow in response, furrowing it afterwards. he lets out a sarcastic laugh after a few beats of silence. he shook his head as he turned to face the road again. 

“is this fight going to last all night? if so, i’d rather just drop you off,” he starts to put his seatbelt on, "we can continue our date when you’re not this moody."

and at that moment, your world nearly stops. the silence in the car was loud and the tension, if you could see it, could be cut with a knife. his words echo in your mind as the car starts moving again, chan preparing to make a u-turn to go back in the direction of your dorm. 

“not...this...moody?” you repeat to yourself. chan nonchalantly hums in response. 

you couldn’t even look at this man anymore. it was as if you didn’t know him anymore. he carried the name of your boyfriend, but was he really the chan you knew? the chan you knew won’t be able to say these things to you, let alone treat you like this. you feel like a deer in headlights, shocked at how everything led up to this moment. and to think that the turning point of your relationship was something as simple as chan being on his phone. you closed your eyes as you tried to fight the lump forming in your throat. 

“so, what am i supposed to do?” you ask. "just go home and think about what i did? what i said?”

chan shrugs. he shrugs. you couldn’t believe how he didn’t take this conversation seriously. was it because you’ve been in this exact same situation before? sure, fights have been frequent, but were they frequent to the point that chan just straight up ignored them? to the point that he never brought the topics up again? no effort to try and fix it?

was he that tired that he was willing to let everything pass? let you suffer in silence? 

“stop the car,” you whisper shakily. chan doesn’t listen, though. he never does, he rarely does. he never listens anymore. 

“chan, please stop the car,” you feel stupid begging, but that does it. he stops the car again, your dorm building in sight. his knuckles start to turn white again, but he closes his eyes this time. you hear him take a sharp inhale through his nose. 

“i can’t fight anymore, y/n, please, just...we can fix it tomorrow, whatever it is.”

you let out a soft sob at his words. “chan, you always say that, god, you always say that.”

chan grips his steering wheel tighter. “yes, i do, but we always fix it. we always end up fixing it.”

“no, we fucking don’t!” you scream now, releasing the frustration that has been clawing to come out, “no, we don’t fix things, we fuck it away and we pray that things magically turn okay in the morning, but it never does! it never fucking does!”

chan stays quiet, eyes drifting to the car floor. you wish you could know what he was thinking. you wish he would talk to you, tell you what he really felt instead of just sitting there. god, were you tired. you were tired of pretending things were okay when they aren’t. you were tired of telling yourself it would be fixed, that the relationship would go back to normal, but it never does. and you just somehow have to live with it because that’s how it is with you and him. that’s the routine, right? and even though you hated it, you tolerated it because you loved him. but people will reach an end point, one way or the other. you can’t help but feel that this was yours. 

“loving you is so exhausting, chan, i—“ your voice cracks, “i’m supposed to be content with this treatment? you and i not talking the whole day and then meeting at night just to make up for lost time, have sex, and pretend that everything’s okay, that the fights have not gotten out of hand, that we’re going to be ok—“

“we are going to be okay, fuck, it’s not that easy,” chan mumbles, “i’m trying, y/n, but i can’t give you everything you need, not anymore.”

silence fills the car and it engulfs the two of you. 

"what changed?" you sob softly, tears now slowly flowing down your cheeks. it was okay, a few weeks ago. days became busier, tasks became heavier, but did that mean that your relationship had to deteriorate the way it has been? 

“nothing changed, please, y/n,”chan breathes, not turning to look at you, “we just got busier and—"

“we weren’t like this, chan, we used to talk about things. w-we used to...talk. we can’t even do that now? am i asking for too much? i shouldn’t be begging for your time, chan, please—“you cry out softly. “why am i always second to you, chan? i try to be the best for you, chan, please.”

chan lets out a shaky breath as he tries to find the words to respond with. “y/n, it’s not y—“

“spare me the bullshit. spare me the "it’s not you, it’s me”. at least, be honest with me.” you say firmly, wiping away the tears on your cheeks harshly. 

“i...i just don’t feel like i’m ready for this yet, okay? i want to fo—"

your feel something in your chest. a pain you’ve never felt before. chan’s words become a blur as you feel your back hit the seat. 

you’re taken back to a time in your childhood when you were trying out the jump rope your friends had. being the idiot you were, you jumped in time with the rope and it tangled on your feet. you ended up falling on your chin, scraping it in the process. the pain rang through your skull and for a while, you couldn’t move, tears merely streaming down your cheeks. and to that that one time during one of the art productions in university, you ended up falling off of the stage. of course, it wasn’t anyone’s fault, but maybe if they turned on the lights before lowering the stage, you wouldn’t have broken your ankle. you remember how worried chan was, but most importantly, you remember how much it hurt. you couldn’t walk and if you tried, it would shoot pain up your leg. 

adding all the pain you’ve felt in all those moments, it wouldn’t amount to the pain you feel now. 

not ready? not ready after 3 years? how could he say that? this was the man you saw your future with, someone who was supposed to be your soulmate. that was him, that was chan. the nights you shared, the words you uttered, were all those fake? were all those just to make everything feel okay? 

not ready? 

not ready.

the words echo in your mind like a broken record. were you supposed to beg him to stay? beg him to be ready when he just admitted that he wasn’t? as you turned to look at him, you didn’t see the chan who loved you. instead, it was the shell of the man who used to love you, care for you. fuck, was love supposed to hurt this bad? you feel your heart starting to crack even more.

if this was love, you didn’t want it. not anymore.

“drop me off,”you mumble after a deafening silence, voice shaking as a sob threatens to come out of your mouth. chan turns to look at you, finally. you don’t meet his eyes anymore. you, instead, just look straight ahead. if he wasn’t ready for a commitment, even after 3 long years, then you were not about to beg him to stay. chan opens his mouth to say something, but you notice that he just swallows his words. he turns to look in front of him as he pushes on the gas again to drive back to your dorm. if he wasn’t ready, then he wasn’t ready. there’s no point in trying to convince him he is. the next best thing is to leave and let him figure out what he needed to figure out. if he needed space, he could have told you. what bothered you the most is the fact that chan’s always been about communication, but somehow and somewhere along the journey, he changed. maybe that’s just how it goes. 

when he pulls up in front of your dorm building, chan turns to look at you again, eyes scanning your features. “i’ll see you tomorrow, then?”

you shake your head, eyes closing as you tried to fight the urge to cry again. the question he asked has always confused you. it was always like this, that even after a fight, he expects to see you again, the same time, the same place. you were tired and it didn’t help that you now knew why he wasn’t acting the same— he wasn’t ready to commit to you, even after all this time. 

“i’m ending it here, chan."

“ending what?”

ending the routine, ending the cycle, ending us. these words rang through your head and you didn’t know which to answer. was he acting aloof so that he could get off easily? that maybe you’ll let him off again because he somehow can’t understand what was happening? you swallowed. 

“us, chan, i—i can’t go on like this anymore,” you pause. was this what you really wanted or were you doing this to prove a point? you weren’t sure, but one thing’s clear, you had to do this, not only for him, but for you. you can’t subject yourself to this cycle anymore. you had to break it sooner or later. “when i get out of this car, we’re over."

chan’s car became a place of love and security in a world full of uncertainty and chaos. it was where you both spent time together when you needed a break, when you needed to be together. now, it was a place of loneliness and despair. it became a place full of resentment and unresolved issues and you can’t help but wonder how chan will be able to sit in his car again without thinking of this moment. before he could respond, you were out of the car. 

in the back of your mind, you hoped that he would call you, run after you. beg you to stay, tell you that everything will be fixed if you just gave him time. you prayed in your head desperately. if he did so, you know you’ll come crawling back to him. if he showed some sort of care, some sort of longing, some sort of initiative that he wanted things to work out, that he wanted this as much as you do, then maybe you’ll come back to him again. that’s how it always was, right?

right?

behind you, you hear the car drive away.