#i am not at all a writer so i hope this isnt totally aweful to read

[yourhoeshorses]

A ref sheet for Joey and their soul horse Summerqueen

Self insert oc go brrr

Also I really cannot wait for the name change update. I don't mind their name being Joey, it just doesn't fit them imo, but it's the closest alternative I could think of from "Jennifer"

HURRAY!!! You pushed a button, here's Joey's backstory

Joey grew up in a small town north of Jorvik City. They often misbehaved or had outbursts at school due to them not being a particularly fast learner and having a hard time connecting with their peers - being bullied for their strange behaviors and odd obsessions with horses. Even as horses are far more common in Jorvik in other parts of the world, it was all Joey ever really cared to talk about.

Joey was never given much time or care by their parents. They never really helped them with their school work, or gave guidance for dealing with squabbles at school other than to "give it back to them" and to "toughen up." Eventually, Joey ended up being sent to visit the school counselor, or the principal, nearly every school day due to disruptions in class, failing grades, and aggressive behaviors towards other students.

This eventually led to a conference with Joey's parents to discuss their behavior, and after repeated meetings, the school counselor suggested therapy riding for over the summer break.

"It's very grounding for people who do therapy ridding," the school counselor would explain, "it may do Jennifer some good to spend time in an environment with people who will hopefully understand her, and Aideen knows horses are all she talks about."

Eventually, their parents agreed, as Joey's emotions were far too much for them to handle, and they were sent off to Moorland over the summer.

Summerqueen lived in a large weedy pasture on a run-down old farm with her herd. She was born, raised, and lived her whole life in this pasture - only ever leaving when the old farmers' grandkids came around to ride them up and down the road every once in a while.

Now that the farmer was too old to ride, and his grandchildren had moved on, Summerqueen and her herd were more or less abandoned in the field; save for when the farmer would roll out a bale of hay. Their manes and tails had become matted, and their coats were left dusted in dirt.

One day, a man and his young son came driving down the road to the farm. When they stepped out of their truck, the boy was shaking his father by the sleeve, practically jumping and pointing at a sheet of paper and then out to the mare, insisting his father needed to get this horse. They approached the old farmer, inquiring about the bay mare in his field and asking if he'd be willing to lease her out to them. The farmer, skeptical of their offer for a raggedy horse, eventually agreed after their insistence.

Joey had ridden horses before. When they were 8 years old, they attended a day camp where they had learned how to ride. They would go on trail rides a couple of times each summer since then. They were by no means a good at riding, but they knew enough to get by on a horse. Now, at the age of 12, they stood in an enclosed courtyard. The stable owner held a clip board, going over that they were here for therapy ridding to help with their unstable emotions and that they would be responsible for the care of the horse being lended to them.

As he finished going over their responsibilities and rules, his son led the bay mare into the courtyard. He seemed almost as excited and relieved as Joey did when fianlly introduced to Summerqueen. The mare was groomed over well enough to safely equip her with tack.

"Parting through and grooming out those matted locks will be a good bonding experience for the two of you," the stable owner explained. Joey wouldn't mind the work. All they cared about was that their world finally felt like it made sense.

All the interests they were told were annoying and obsessive, the constant daydreaming of being carried by a swift steed, the feeling of never truly belonging - it all washed away as they felt their horses muzzle breathe in the scent of her rider from their out reached hand and finally greeting eachother for the very first time.

After the first summer was over it felt like their heart was being torn out. They begged and pleaded to be allowed to return next summer, and only found the strength in themself to carry on through the winter when their parents agreed to send them back once the school year was finished. During their second summer there, they became friends with Alex Cloudmill. She didn't have a horse at the camp and didn't even live in the area as she only came down to visit every once in a while, but the two grew close over shared hardships.

By the time the third summer rolled around, Joey decided they were not going to return home. They couldn't bear it to be somewhere they didn't feel they belonged anymore. After arguing with their parents to remain in Moorland year round, they gave in and let them stay, telling them they were off on their own now and decided it was better to have almost no part in what Joey does after failing to rein them in.

Joey would stay in spare rooms at Moorland if they were available, otherwise staying in the hayloft of their barn. The Moorlands never left them uncared for and would remind them they were grateful for the extra help they gave during the winter. And yes, they did still attend school, and thankfully, with less head butting from other students.

As they entered high school, Alex would tell Joey about how she had discovered she was a soul rider, along with some other friends she had made. Alex would tell Joey about the dangerous adventures they had gone through together, the great evils they would defeat, and they magic they had discovered inside themselves. And not long after, the same magic Joey would find in themself too.

After revealing they were connected to all four circles, Elizabeth would take Joey under her wing to teach them more about this magic. While Joey began training and working more towards the goal of the soul riders and druids, they moved in with Elizabeth until they were old enough to go out on their own.

Joey now works as a camp counselor at Moorland during the summer and cares for trail horses as they take time off from their wilderness adventures during the winter. Alongside that, they also provide ridding lessons to new riders, training horses, and racing in championships when they have the time. They definitely have their hands full, but they wouldn't want it any other way.

While both Joey and Summerqueen are connected to all four circles, they do have their own preferences for what circles they work with the most. Joey is most connected to the lightning circle, and during the Catherine's Memories quest line became closer to the moon circle while practicing its magic with Linda. Summerqueen is most connected with the star circle as she helped Joey heal their emotions and build up their confidence when they first arrived at Moorland and later became closer connected to the sun circle.

Aaaaaaand END SCENE

[sipsandfables]

Unfiltered Thoughts While Reading: Fourth Wing

⚠️⚠️⚠️BEWARE OF A BEVY OF SPOILERS ⚠️⚠️⚠️

Chapter 1

​​I really like Mira so far - not too sure about their mom yet lol

​​Is Brennan REALLY dead? Lol Could be a page pulled from Red Queen

​​Their mom might have been Manon in an alternate universe

​​“Decide, Violet. Are you going to die a scribe? Or live as a rider?’”

​​I love the relationship between the two sisters

​​“He's the most exquisite man I've ever seen.”

I mean, Xaden does sound pretty hot. I’m a sucker for dark hair and dark eyes lol

​​“Flaming hot. Scorching hot. Gets-you-into-trouble-and-you-like-it level of hot.” ​

🤣​​🤣​​🤣​

​​ Nooooo! I had a feeling Dylan wouldn’t make it ​😭​

​​Chapter 2

​​Jack Barlowe - even his name sounds like a dick

​​Chapter 3

​​So there are four wings, with 3 sections in each wing, and 3 squads in each section making it 4 wings, 12 sections, and 36 squads total

​​“I will not die today”

​​Chapter 5

​​so Violets mom opposed General Melgren about the rebel children - wonder if they have animosity

​​Lol well Violets plan of getting Ri to ask her questions didn’t work ​🤣​

​​Damn, does her mom hate her? Why would she send Violet to do this??? Lol

​​Chapter 6

​​Aw, I really hope Brennan isnt actually dead and it’s a plot twist because he seems like a character I’d love

​​Chapter 7

​​It’s so strange that the people with the most motivation for revenge (rebel children) are put in such high power by training to become riders WITH MAGIC AND DRAGONS

​​Oh and look, a bunch of them are gathering to scheme even though it’s illegal for more than three to be seen together lol

​​Violet hanging out in a tree while passing judgement on this group is hilarious

​​“‘Fascinating. You look all frail and breakable, but you're really a violent little thing, aren't you?’”

​​Alright, I admit that I love their dynamic lol

​​Chapter 8

​​I’m surprised Dain didn’t see her rendezvous with Xaden since they touched and he can see memories

​​I wonder if the decrease in the number of dragons willing to bond speaks to the fact that the dragons’ don’t align with humans like before

​​Omggggg I hope Violet gets the black one! If dragons bond with humans like them, it would make sense because she’s so smart

​​Omg was the one and only rider of the black dragon Brennan?! The last time he was seen was five years ago which is when Brennan “died” and the teacher looked at Violet when he told the story of how the rider died

​​Oh I got it wrong, Brennan was the rider that was trying to be resurrected

​​Omg i totally thought it was Jack volunteering to spar Violet. I’m glad it’s Xaden instead hahaha

​​Chapter 9

​​Violence? I love the nickname haha

​​“Beautiful. Fucking. Asshole.” ​

🤣​​🤣​​🤣​

​​Am I the only one getting hot and bothered by this death match? Lollll

​​“Defenseless women have never been my type.”

Okay sir ​👀​​🥵​

​​Man, I get Dain is her bestie but he is trying way too hard to get her out of the rider squadrant - just believe in her

​​Chapter 10

​​Theory time: the rider who died trying to save Brennan was his lover. He didn’t do it for fame, he did it because he loved Brennan. The black dragon is going to take Violet as his rider because of the special bond his rider had with her brother. BOOM

​​I already liked Ridoc before because I resonate with cracking jokes through hard times but now I like him even more and respect him

​​Violets squad: Sawyer, Pryor, Trina, Tynan, Rhiannon, Ridoc, Violet, Aurelie, and Luca

​​I hope everyone on this squad stays alive because I like them and their dynamic. I also hope Sawyer gets a dragon this year ​😭​

​​As I read the Gauntlet practice scenes, I just picture the final challenge on Wipe Out ​🤣​

​​Aurelie ​😭​​😭​​😭​

​​“Do not make me ask three times.” ​

👀​ or what Zaddy?

​​“What makes you a rider is what you do after people die.”

​​

​​Things I like about this book so far:

​​Female lead is not annoying. She’s very logical and the writer SHOWS that she’s smart instead of telling

​​The pacing is great. What a page turner! And the chapters aren’t impossibly long. The book is long but it doesn’t FEEL like it

​​The romance between the main ship is not cringe! They’re dynamic is hot. He’s hot. She’s hot. It’s all hot

​​There is more than one badass female characters! It’s giving Throne of Glass series (Aelin, Manon, Lysandra, etc)

​​

​​Chapter 11

​​Does that mean someone will be punished for not burning Brennans things? Or does it not matter because Brennan is ALIVE?!

​​okay, so there’s a lot of representation in this book and I’m loving it (people of color, gay, they/them pronouns, etc)

​​I mean if Dain REALLY cared about her survival, he’d help more! He would have watched her practices and given her ideas on how to make it - not continue to try to get her to quit!

​​Violet is a fucking badass. LETSGOOOO

​​I also love how shameless her mind is when describing how sexy Xaden is lol

​​Also, I notice that Dain isn’t mentioned AT ALL during this whole thing about her making it through the gauntlet. Shouldnt he have been there also defending her win???? Sus

​​Chapter 12

​​Ahhh there’s a Feathertail? Maybe THATS the one that she bonds with since they abhore violence and are smart (sounds like Violet)

​​OR the Feathertail will report back to the black dragon about Violet and he comes during the Threshing ​👀​

​​Damn these dragons are heartless! Poor Pryor. But also, humans are heartless - Tynan and Luca can jump off a cliff

​​I hope that the awesome conversation Violet and Rhi are having throughout this walk means they’ll get awesome dragons

​​OMG finally someone I dislike diess LOL freaking Luca. Bye Felicia

​​Chapter 13

​​Hmmm, if Violet hasn’t felt a connection with the feather one so far then I don’t think they’ll bond. Maybe she hasn’t felt a connection because the black dragon wasn’t on the walk and Tynan will bond with that gold one to teach him a lesson about strength?

​​I wish Tynan also got burned to a crisp during presentation

​​Threshing is giving me “Manon and the Thirteen must fight others for Wyverns” vibes

​​Okay, maybe the gold dragon IS her dragon lol

​​I’m proud of Violet for coming to the Gold dragons defense but I’m relieved that Xaden was there with his dragon hahaha

​​Chapter 14

​​I FUCKING KNEW IT! It’s the black dragon! Here to claim Violet!!! Fuck yes!!

​​This fucking dragon is hilarious. I love him already

​​“"My name is Tairneanach, son of Murtcuideam and Fiaclanfuil, descended from the cunning Dubhmadinn line."

​​Tairn, this dragon is so sassy hahahaha

​​SHE FALLS OFF?!

​​Chapter 15

​​“You’re making us look bad. Stop it.”

I’m ded hahahah this dragon ​🤣​ He reminds me of Venom in the Venom movie with Tom Hardy lol

​​“Was everyone’s dragon a curmudgeon? Or just mine?” ​

💀​​💀​​💀​​💀​

​​“"You are the smartest of your year. The most cunning. You defended the smallest with ferocity. And strength of courage is more important than physical strength.” ​

❤️​​❤️​​❤️​

​​SHE FUCKING BONDED WITH BOTH?!

​​What. A. Legend.

​​Chapter 16

​​Damn, even the head dragon isn’t a huge fan of this? Now I’m concerned because General Melgren is obviously a bad guy lol

​​I’m so glad Sawyer got bonded this time around! And Rhi and Ridoc are bonded!!! Yay!

​​Poor Trina

​​Tairn told you to stay with Xaden and you’re not LISTENING!

​​Oh I didn’t see the dragons bond coming!!!

​​Damn Dain, that’s cold. But I knew it - he’s no real ride or die bestie!!!

​​I really do like Violet but her undying faith in Dain is pissing me off

​​Strange how Dain kisses her after all this time only because she has TWO bonded dragons ​😒​

​​Chapter 17

​​But if you really think about it, Violet didn’t take any available dragons away from others - Tairn hasn’t been seen in five years and Goldie was unwanted and a surprise at presentation

​​“Your puny gods”

lol I love Tairn

​​Chapter 18

​​Yes! Finally Violet sticks it to Dain. I’m tired of his shit too

​​Omggggg poor Jeremiah. That was brutal

​​the golden dragon can freeze time?! What a badass power!

​​chapter 19

​​Dang, Xadens rejection to Violet had ME in my feelings - what do you mean you wouldn’t sleep with her to keep her safe?!

​​Omg Andarna is adorable - she better not die EVER

​​Ohhhhh, a Feathertail is a baby dragon?

​​I bet it was Imogen who opened the door for those people to kill Violet

​​Chapter 20

​​Based on the intro of this chapter, now I’m thinking it was Amber because she’s the only female wing leader I can recall

​​Yep, it was Amber!

​​Also, I love their squads banter and camaraderie lol

​​Fucking Dain - you’re the worst

​​I’m glad they were able to show undeniable truth since SOMEONE refused to believe her ​😒​

​​Chapter 21

​​I love that there’s even more representation in here with the hearing impaired scribe

​​Liam sounds hot lol

​​Something sus is happening with this war

​​Chapter 22

​​I’d be staring too ​👀​

​​So our boy Jack is allergic to oranges hmmm? Funny how a guy that talks so much shit can be killed by produce. Just saying

​​Okay now I’ve reached the “when will they get it on?!” Point lol

​​Xaden is just giving out hot compliments left and right ​🥵​

​​FINALLY! It only took two dragons fucking for Violet and Xaden to finally give in lol

​​Nooooooo! Damn Xaden for thinking straight lol

​​Chapter 23

​​I see what Rhiannon is hinting at - that Xaden is only the most powerful rider in their generation for NOW because it was before Violet got here lol Gotta love that bestie support!

​​Man Dain really needs to step up - he’s giving Tamlin vibes right now

​​I knew Jack was allergic to oranges! I hope he’s dead!

​​Chapter 24

​​Damn, still alive

​​A guy burned himself alive with his own power?! Man, this squadrant is insane and brutal

​​Violet’s mom is cold as ice

​​Chapter 25

​​the most valuable thing would be intel! They should think like a Scribe, like Violet

​​Liam and I are on the same page!

​​Break into the Commander’s office?! This could go horribly wrong! What if they see stuff they’re not supposed to?!

​​“‘Scribes freak me out. Quiet little know-it-alls, acting like they can make or break someone by writing something down.’” ​

🤣​​🤣​​🤣​

​​Alright, pretty badass plan

​​Chapter 26

​​Mira!!! I’m so glad they got to see each other and that Rhi got to see her family ​🥰​

​​Omg mated dragons can only be a part for three days?!

​​It’s strange that earlier in the book they made it seem like Tairn hasn’t been seen for five years but if he’s mates to the blue dragon, wouldn’t he be seen wherever Xaden is?

​​Chapter 28

​​I love how intense and dangerous Tairn is one minute and super cheeky the next haha

​​FINALLY JACK IS DEAD! Fuck that guy!

​​And yessssss, Lightening Wielder sounds badass!

​​Chapter 29

​​I swear if Andarna dies in this series, I’m going to RIOT. She’s so pure and wonderful ​🥹​

​​“Get the fuck away from her with that nonsense.”

Xaden does not mince words and I love it haha

​​Xaden and Tairn’s pep talk to Violet is way better than Dain’s

​​I mean she has a point about her powers. They’re badass but yeah, pretty destructive lol

​​Chapter 30

​​Well this escalated quickly ​👀​​🥵​

​​Pretty awesome that dudes take contraception lol

​​Xaden is responsible for all the rebel children?! Omg I bet it was her mom that gave him those scars! That’s what he meant when they ran into the commander previously

​​I’m not a fan of when the male lead says “Don’t fall for me” like bro, it’s too late - I’m invested haha

​​This training session with Carr is hilarious lol

​​I think I like professor Carr more now

​​Chapter 31

​​I’m pleasantly surprised she comes right out and says “yeah I’m probably going to fall for you if we keep this up” lollll most characters in this position stay in denial until it backfires lol

​​“He really does have an incredible body, but he doesn't get to dictate what I do with my heart.”

Preach girl

​​I’m living for all of page 393 - you go Violet!

​​Damn, I really like Violet lol

​​Chapter 32

​​​🔥​​🔥​​🔥​

​​Cheaper 33

​​Phew, thank goodness it was a fake drill!

​​Hmmmm, something tells me this fake war is about to get real

​​Omg why is Andarna so adorable?! Tairn will carry her like a human dad carrying his baby in a bjorn lol

​​Idk that “I’ll miss you, Violet.” from Dain was a little SUS. He was way too quick to make amends with her decision. Something fishy is going on

​​Xaden and the other rebel kids in the fourth wing are also acting sus. Like they know more about this scenario than they’re letting on. Why are they all so tense if it’s just a game? Why did Dain’s dad give Xaden a weird look?

​​Chapter 34

​​did the Gryphons start attacking after unification because Navarre took something from them and made it harder for the Gryphons to get it back after unifying nations?

​​Ah! I had a feeling the Gryphons and their riders weren’t so savage as the Navarre historians and leaders want people to believe!

​​Chapter 35

​​Okay, we can recover from this Violet! Sure everyone including your two bonded dragons and the love of your life lied to you over and over BUT it must have been for a good reason. I’d give them the benefit of the doubt over Dain and the others any day

​​Okay Violet really believing Dain would break rules to save people is ludicrous. I like Violet but her thinking on this is stupid

​​Theory time - Violets mom killed their dad because he was in the know about venin and ready to go public

​​Another theory - Dain and his dad have known about venin this whole time. Dain’s being used to help continue to cover it up. He’s also been lying to her technically as much as Xaden has been

​​I fucking knew it! Dain has been reading her memories this whole time! Duh girl!!!

​​The real question is if more than just Dain and his dad concocted this plan to kill Xaden

​​If Xaden dies, there’s a chance Violet would die because of their dragon bond so wouldn’t her mom know that? But would she even care? Or mayb her mom is like The Hound from the crescent city series

​​Chapter 36

​​“We’re riders. We defend the defenseless. It’s what we do.”

​​Damn, so General Melgren can’t see the fate of people with rebellion relics? Good

​​The level of stress I have reading these last 80ish pages is HIGH

​​I don’t want anyone in this riot to die! Or the Gryphons and their riders!

​​maybe her mom knew she’d survive because of what general Melgren can see? Which might explain why she was fine with making Violet become a rider

​​Whyyyy would you say “we actually might survive this”?!?! Now people will die!

​​“It’s been. My honor.”

​​I am unwell

​​​😭​​😭​​😭​ Liam

​​Chapter 37

​​So many emotions rn fucking hell

​​Chapter 38

​​Omg if they are going where I think they’re going I’m going to be shooketh ARE THEY TAKING HER TO BRENNAN?!

​​Another theory - the reason why the number of dragons willing to bond is decreasing, is because more dragons are bonding with the rebels and not the Navarre military

​​Violet is annoying me with her thoughts about Xaden right now though. Girl, you saw and fought that evil and you still mad that Xaden didn’t bring you in sooner?! Get over it and live lol

​​The person Xaden is asking to save her HAS to be Brennan - he was a mender

​​Chapter 39

​​we’re getting a Xaden chapter?! Is this the end?!

​​Something doesn’t feel right - did she lose her memories? Why is she being so nice to Xaden right away? Sus

​​Oh good her memory is back! I was about to be pissed if all of book 2 was her trying to recall book 1 lol

​​What happened to Xaden’s mom?! Sounds like another storyline ​👀​

​​Andaran became full grown?! Can wait to hear what she looks like and her special power

​​BRENNAN I FUCKING KNEW IT!!!!

​​Well if Violet didnt trust Xaden before, she definitely won’t now! Keep a dead brother secret seems pretty big lol

​​I wonder what Tairn thinks of Brennan since his rider died saving him

​​also, I’d be low key pissed at my sibling! I wonder if Mira knows about Brennan. I assume not - maybe he thinks she’s too much like their mom?

Me after finishing the final page:

[thatone-highlighter]

as much fun as the 4K word CAWM post is I’m moving this to the ask box since I don’t have as much to say.

I would totally recommend looking through bmos room and the stuff in there ! There is just sooo many references in there it’s so cool, (and there is so much to pick through in the 1000+ theme song/intro)

Oh yeah 100%, BMO makes me sad in a way, how they r basically destined to outlive most of their friends (except for the few immortal bunch like Marceline n PB) 

Heheheheeh I’m am gonna procrastinate on SO much stuff while infodumping about fern to you >:3

Oh yeah the Gumbald arc is definitely one of the ones that got most affected by it getting cut short, oh yeah the adventure time finale is pretty well received, even with some of the pacing issues n stuff, DEFINITELY WAY BETTER ECIVED THAN THE SU FINALE HO,Y SHIT, yeah I feel like people can be way to harsh on su, it’s definitely not perfect but god,

Lmao fanon lumpygrab is obviously a mixed bag like with literally every ship but it’s not really a ship i go seeking content for ? So when I do get it’s from accounts I already follow and stuff,. idk where I was going w this, you probably get what I mean, hopefully,

Tragic characters are my everything, just,, god I just don’t get people who don’t enjoy any angst at all. Like cmon I love my blorbos and wish for them to be happy but I also want to throw them into a fire and vivisection them and just make them go through so much shit.

Yeah yeah, the Finn losing his arm in golb thing is just intresting to think about, although is definitely not something I would have wanted in the show .

adventure time music grrrrrrrrrrrr

(Also I wrote this while listening to still alive from portal 1 on repeat. why did I tell you this ? Why not tbh)

I cant belige you could abandon the giant cawm post like this- /j

Okay so i actually just started having a look at the intro and bmo’s room so im just gonna say a bunch of stuff i noticed

I think its pretty cool that Shermy and Beth live in Marceline’s old house and then Finn and Jake also lived in Marceline’s old house too it seems poetic in some kinda way. I wonder how many other iterations of them shes leant her house to over the thousands of years, because thinking about that first introductory episode shes in, from memory if almost feels like shes done that before. So.

Why does BMO have a guillotine on the damn roof of their house . Is going around decapitating ppl a thing they just Regularly do or- . We got statue of KoO, the crowns, IKs drum but it looks kinda busted, lady rainicorns translator thing(?), bmo’s skateboard from that one episode, that soda girl, james baxters balls, the hat from the lady armour, oh the broken clock! , lsp’s number plate, amo just. Open on the table like its normal, one of those books looks like ones of the ones IK was reading on how to get bitches or smthn, is that lsp’s star??!??!, jake’s viola, a portrait of banana man?

Also that Is meant to be sweet pea right? The giant walking around?

The idea of characters who live forever is so sad to me. Im glad that bmo Isnt the only one because if they were it wiuld just be awful, Bonnie and Marcy have eachother but i hope they go visit bmo from time to time it would be really sad if they ended up all alone :(

I am taking this as a chance to go Insane over SU because somehow all this being insane over AT has made me want to do that. I could kinda i guess see how people could be unsatisfied with the ending of SU, i didnt have many expectations to be let down by by the finale but i also watched it when i was like 12 so. But even if you had issues with it once you found out that they got ruched into a finale and Why they got rushed into a finale you would think you’d cut the writers a but more slack but people Dont. And even outside of DD and CYM most of the issues people have with the show aren’t even that big a deal, “oh the art-style is inconsistent” okay? And? They let the storyboarders have a bit of creative freedom “oh the characters are off model a lot” okay?? As long as you can tell who they’re meant to be and as long as character a is taller than character b who cares??? “Oh the writing is really badly paced with a bunch of filler episodes everywhere all the time” 1. Thats not what filler means and 2. Its written like that because of the stupid fucking steven bomb format that it got aired in. Its a kids show thats just trying to tell a story about this kid with a magic gem in his belly that gives him super powers calm down okay tje first episode is about him thinking his powers come from eating ice cream(i mean this in the most affectionate way possible). No one is saying the show is perfect nothing is perfect if you personally dont like it just say you dont like it you dont have to try and come up with reasons why you dont and you especially dont have to insult and be mean people who do like it for no reason. Man

I get what u mean with the lumpy grab thing. Like most the stuff you see for it are from creators who make other content you already like so chances are when they make that content youll like it too even if you’re not overly fond of the ship itself. Brain to brain communication

TRAGIC CHARACTERS MY BELOVED. Weve been over this so many times but theyre so !!

Holy shit still alive!! I love that song i used to listen to it a bunch before id ever even played portal properly its such a vibin song i put it on whole i was writing this out <3 thank u for reminding me of its existence

[everythings-a-feather]

ok so now that we have the whole season I redid the tier list (I belive by @polkadotbrat)

and very quick thoughts, these were supposed to be a sentence each but I couldnt help myself

ma poule tier- its all the felix episodes cuz I am only invested in him at this point) strike back may be my overall fav this season cuz I was torn between wanting felix to be the dog and the peacock but strike back let me have my cake and eat it too also ik that felix giving hawkie the whole miracle box is like an awful betrayal or whatever but the miraculous zoo is gone thank god tho the ladynoir moment had me feeling empty and I just cant empathise with marinette at all at this point because none of the things she actually fucked up this whole season blew up in her face she just got played by felix and honestly good for felix. Also isnt lucky charms whole thing "it gives you what you need not what you want" and it pointed at felix, when Marinette could have picked up Adrien from the past TM before risk was active instead of Felix whos just unaffected. tho maybe its just that in Felix the episode its established that he can throw with dead accuracy so the lucky charm lead her to felix because hes good at throwing??? idk man ML is weird with this stuff

silver medal- Psychomedian almost made it to ma poule because ladynoir my formerly beloved but as my investment in them as of end of season 4 is dead its getting knocked down a tier. Crocoduel, purple tigress my beloved. Glaciator 2, Marichat shenanigans were very fun. WIshmaker, I like luka in this one and if the show pretends ephemeral never happened and he gets to do actual things I might actually like luka overall. Rocketear, angst my beloved, spawned good fics, detective nino was funny.

did something for someone- Gang of Secrets, eh honestly idc but the adressing of Marinette being stressed is nice, Hack-san, I liked scarabella and chats dynamic, please let there be canon bridgette so that felila is guaranteed to never happen tho canon bri will also need a personality shift (maybe be more Lawful Good than she already was to balance Felix being chaos energy?). Optigami- smart plan ig. Mister Pigeon 72, all it did was convince me that it should have been Marigami and Lukeadrien not Adrigami and Lukanette tbh, Hawkmoth x Mr Pigeon my... I wanna say crack ship beloved but I seriously think Feluka could work and Im not sure if theyre aware of each others existence since Luka isnt in Adriens class (Im not rewatching "Felix" to confirm this). Sentibubbler, congrats Alya stans? closest to being in the next tier

(un) bothered- Dearest family, I had hopes but the episode is eh. Furious Fu- Order of the guardians should have stayed dead. Guilt trip- Marinette... please Adrien almost has this covered. Penalteam, eh, powers underutilised here, tho I really like Penalty. Megaleech, SAMG was wasted on this episode. Truth and Lies- (total deadpan) oh no Lukanette and Adrigami the two ships we saw develop so much on screen and I was completely emotionally invested in and that the NY special didnt tell us broke up immediately after they started dating, seriously tho I cant take lukanette seriously as a pairing and Adrigami has potential but im kinda eh also Kagami literally has the "I will lose the love triangle" hair so.

Incredible anger- EPHEMERAL MY BELOATHED "BUT I DONT LIKE CHAT NOIR" GIRL WDYM WE SEE THE WAY YOU TWO LOOK AT EACH OTHER LUKA SPEEDRAN MY BELOVED TO MY BELOATHED EPHEMERAL LOOKED UGLY THE WRITERS DIDNT UNDERSTAND WHY PEOPLE LIKE CHAT BLANC. Kuro neko, almost everything @parismystere has said about this episode, I was clowning and hoping it would be a "adrien I need you to be a temp cat while I find Chat Noir" while Felix is in town idc about the middle but Adrien does tell felix he is chat so Felix as adrien says "oh well I happen to know chat noirs identity-" and gives the ring back to adrien while also solving the "we cant reach chat cuz no one knows his identity" problem cuz 'Adrien' knows who chat is, also this would tip them off to something fishy going on with Felix' well... Id say betrayal but for that Felix would have had to have been on their side and Felix doesnt seem to be interested in LB and CNs miraculous anyway. Sole Crusher and Queen Banana- Zoe my beloathed, also Id watch Chloes movie over whatever garbage they were actually filming any day, a chaotic bad movie is always better than a boring one.

I couldnt finish Qilin or simpleman and I dont wanna waste energy on them

[sclfmastery]

Ur post about 13, I have a question and Im not trying to be disrespectful Im curious. U say that ur davastated about her actions/lost faith in her character. The characters n any show don't exist in a vacuum, everything they do is on the writers. If you're going to look so harshly at her why wouldn't you do the same to your own character? Simm was written awful too in s10 but you don't see him like that/lose faith in him. Isnt difference between poor writing and who the characters really are?

I totally get where you’re coming from here, and I think that’s what’s saving Thirteen for me actually, applying that very concept to knowing, as a media studies prof, that just as Simm!Master was miswritten by Moffat, so too was Thirteen miswritten by Chibnall.

I think the things tripping me up boil down, though, to me not existing in a vacuum either: I’m human  :P  I adore the Master, and am as protective of him as a mother might be of a very, very erstwhile child (but a child who still has potential to grow, nonetheless).  The Doctor, on the other hand (in all their incarnations) is the best friend who left my “child” (lol) behind.  So I’m going to naturally have a protective bias of the character with whom I identify, and whom I want to see happiest.    

I really don’t have a more compelling rebuttal. I’m human and I’m sad for my baby and how he’s treated, in an enduring pattern (irrespective of his own terrible behavior), like shit, while the Doctor comes out the other side of similar behavior, no matter what writer is at the helm of her characterization, with more friends and more legendary stories of her “heroism.”  So perhaps what gets to me is the double-standard, on top of my own bias?  

Hope that makes sense!

[shikai-the-storyteller]

CYBERVERSE WATCH

S3 Episode 9, 10, 11, 12

Episode 9

WHIRL NO WHY IS EVERYONE RUNNING oh

Gosh I love that Percy’s alt-mode sucks so he’s gotta hitch a ride on someone

Whirl *gracefully descends from the ceiling* Percy: *PLUMMETS LIKE A ROCK*

No joke I laughed so suddenly and loud at that I startled myself

RODDY PLEASE RETHINK YOUR DECISION TO USE A WAR TITAN TO FIGHT YOUR BATTLES IM BEGGING YOU TO USE YOUR BRAINCELL

Whirl *jumps directly on the Titan’s face*  Me: I’d die for you

Roddy: We need Windblade! Me: YEAH YOU NEED SOMEONE SMART ON THIS TEAM

Ok putting the masks on their head to hide from the Quints is actually a smart idea

“I can’t believe that worked” GUYS PLS

Aw I love that Clobber and Roddy do their little fist bump / high-five thing that’s so cute

CHROMIA AND WINDBLADE....Roddy you’re interrupting their date

Roddy: Clobber, you’re a lesbian, can you get through to them Clobber: Sure *picks up Chromia in one hand and walks off*

I feel like the smart thing for them to do would be to wake up Megatron and/or Optimus and use them to wake up other Autobots / Decepticons because like. If I was an Autobot and Megatron wandered by at a parade I’d definitely be on defense. Of course, then Roddy & co. would need to convince Megatron to help them so maybe that’s a no-go anyways

WHIRL NO!!! OH NO

AW I love that everyone’s taking care of Percy, Dead End holding his hand while running was so cute

HELL YEAH USE YOUR FIRE RODDY

HOT ROD NO!!!!!!!!! SOMEONE SAVE MY BOY!! AND WHIRL, WHO ALSO GOT HI--OH MY GOSH THEY KNOCKED THE THING OFF SOUNDWAVE AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

IF ANYONE CAN TAKE DOWN THE QUINTS AND WAKE EVERYONE UP ITS MY BOY SOUNDWAVE I mean, assuming ripping the helmet off his head rather than waking him up normally didn’t totally screw him up

AHHH SOMEONE NEEDS TO SAVE RODDY

WHOA SOUNDWAVE YOU GOOD BUDDY??? OH NO....

“Something’s wrong with him...” “You mean more than normal?” SHUT UP DEADEND

LMAO HOT ROD STRAIGHT UP SLAPPED A QUINTESSON NICE

OH NO IM GETTING FLASHBACKS TO THE MOVIE

COURT!?!??? PLEASE SAY YOUR FAMOUS LINE RODDY

HEY CAN YOU GUYS STOP BEING BUTTS TO SOUNDWAVE

“There are an infinite amount of universes in the multiverse. The Quintessons judge which ones are worthy of existence” NICE NICE NICE NICE OMINOUS AND NICE

ARE WE GONNA GET TO SEE OTHER UNIVERSES???

WHOA WAIT WHAT SCIENTIST, MACCADAM WHO ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT

IS THIS GONNA BE THE CREEPY WHEELJACK WE SAW IN LIKE EPISODE 3 OF SEASON ONE???

You know I’m realizing the Titan thing doesn’t explain how Maccadam knows about the future, is HE from a different universe / future?? Has he already seen all of this happen before? Is HE the true Homura of this series?

RODIMUS STALLING TO ANNOY THE COURT NICE

Every time Roddy uses his flames I lose my mind in excitement

HEY DEADEND STOP BEING A BUTT TO SOUNDWAVE

HELL YEAH RIP ‘EM A NEW ONE SOUNDWAVE, SHOW THEM WHO’S BOSS

HEY CAN SOMEONE *PLEASE* SAVE HOT ROD

UH OH IS RIGHT RODDY

“I wish I was a jet” He’s not gonna jump is OH HE JUMPED

OH THANK GOODNESS WHIRL WAS THERE, THANK YOU WHIRL FOR BEING AWESOME

SOUNDWAVE!!!!!!!!!!!

 Episode 10

I saw Soundwave in the thumbnail and got UNREASONABLY excited

AHHHHHHHHHHH IS THIS GONNA BE THE RODDY AND SOUNDWAVE EPISODE I HEARD ABOUT?!?!??! PLEASE??? PLEASE???

Hot Rod is the ONLY bot who could appreciate Soundwave’s background music PLEASE let them get along or at least be amicable by the end of the episode that would be so frickin good

“The Masters of the Multiverse” man what a good title

I’m so glad Season 3 has been so Hot Rod=focused, HE DESERVES THE SPOTLIGHT

lmao I love that Soundwave and Roddy are both crossing their arms on opposite sides of the bar, guys please you’ve got bigger fish to fry

This is embarrassing but I was legitimately so distracted by how nice Soundwave’s legs looked in this scene I didn’t hear a single thing Roddy said and I had to rewind the episode l m a o.....

Soundwave: I know you’re no Optimus Prime Me: *MORTIFIED GASP* THAT’S A SORE SUBJECT DON’T BE MEAN!!!

SOUNDWAVE NO!!! NO FIGHTING

I KNEW IT I knew he was improperly removed!!!

THEY FRICKIN SLAPPED HIM ON THE CHEST TO FIX HIM LIKE HE”S AN OLD TV IM CACKLING

OH SHOOT they already tried doing something similar to Hound oof

SOUNDWAVE AT LEAST SHARE WHAT THE PLAN IS

OH SHOOT SOUNDWAVE GETS THINGS DONE

I can’t believe they came up with names / jobs for these things

Aw Roddy I’m sorry Soundwave’s overshadowing your leadership role :(

“Maybe they’re trading beauty secrets” DEADEND PLEASE

I hope Soundwave didn’t tell her to kill him

OH NO HE DID, CLOBBER NO

Clobber: *crying while trying to kill him* This hurts me more than it hurts you! Hot Rod: No, this hurts me more GUYS PLEASE

I briefly forgot DeadEnd was a Decepticon and was like “Wow you’re not worrying about Roddy getting his head beat in?? Really??”

Gosh Soundwave looks so cool

“The evil back-stabbing music box” omg

Hot Rod: That’s not how Autobots do things Dead End: Yeah but like, we aren’t. So can we kill him

SOUNDWAVE’S INTERROGATION STUFF IS SO COOL I mean it’s mean but that’s an interesting method

AHH HE SAID THE INFERIOR SUPERIOR THING

Who IS the scientist

Uh. ok what is that brain thing. I WAS ASSUMING THE SCIENTIST WAS A BOT BUT GUESS NOT

Episode 11

Gosh the backgrounds in this show are such a delight for the eyes

*GENTLE GASP* BABIES!!!!!!!! ARE ANY OF THEM SOUNDWAVE’S BABIES???

AW OMG SOUNDWAVE IS THERE HE’S CATCHING A CASSETTE OMG OMG.....OH MY GOSH....THERE ARE REAL TEARS IN MY EYES

But at the same time SOUNDWAVE YOU CANT JUST FRICKIN NAB A BIRD OUT OF THE AIR AND CALL IT YOURS

Oh well I guess he can lmao alrighty then

OH NO....BOTS ARE DYING....GUYS YOU’RE TAKING TOO LONG TO DO THIS

how on EARTH did that work

OHOHO just Hot Rod and Soundwave I hope they learn to trust each other a bit

I’m VERY worried they’re gonna kill off Laserbeak in this episode

ALRIGHT. WELL. THAT SCIENTIST ISNT FREAKY AT ALL.

OK SUPER FREAKY HE’S WAY TOO INTERESTED IN SOUNDWAVE FOR ME TO NOT BE WORRIED ABOUT THIS HE SOUNDS LIKE A CREEPY COLLECTOR

‘‘A blue one...I don’t have a blue one yet’‘ UH OH UH OH!!!! OH PLEASE DONT HURT SOUNDWAVE CYBERVERSE WRITERS PLEASE!!!

DOES SOUNDWAVE KNOW THIS DUDE??? HOW ELSE DID SOUNDWAVE KNOW WHAT WOULD OPEN THE DOOR???

The fact that we can now SEE Laserbeak in his chest makes me worry we’re gonna lose her this episode 8(((

WHAT THE FRICK

ARE THESE DIFFERENT VERSIONS OF SOUNDWAVE FROM DIFFERENT UNIVERSES??? ARE THESE JUST DIFFERENT BOTS THAT SHARE SOUNDWAVE’S ALT MODE???? IM SO DEEPLY WORRIED

“Why would he collect Soundwaves and not Hot Rods?” RODDY PLEASE THIS IS NOT THE TIME!!!!! That’s a very Hot Rod thing to focus on though lmao

I feel like the Cyberverse writers went “Hm, what would make Ana feel most anxious about her favorite character?” and then proceeded to write this episode exactly about that

Like, on the one hand: Good taste weird tentacle alien dude, on the other, GET YOUR MITTS OFF HIM

“When a judge finds a universe guilty, I like to keep a little...souvenir for myself” WOW THAT’S HALF WHAT I GUESSED BUT HE SAID THAT INFINITELY CREEPIER THAN I THOUGHT HE WOULD

HOT ROD PLEASE SAVE HIM FROM THE WEIRD TENTACLE MAN

I love how this team has exactly one braincell and none of the people currently on the other side of the door are in possession of it

“I keep telling myself I don’t have room for any more, but you would go so nicely right here” me @ me when I’m buying figurines tbh

That’s genuinely so upsetting, like if I were in Soundwave’s place I’d be pissed as HELL

OH BOY ARE WE GONNA HAVE A TOYSTORY 2 SCENARIO wrt THE “You’re damaged!” THING

“I’LL SHOW YOU DAMAGED” LMAO Roddy: *starts listing off all his traumas* Tentacle Dr.: Um,,

LET GO OF MY BOY!!!!

“A parade is the best you can come up with?” ASKING THE REAL QUESTIONS RODDY

HELL YEAH GET HIM SOUNDWAVE and thank goodness he got fixed. Hopefully the guy didn’t do anything weird to him

I KNEW THAT WAS TOO EASY WHY IS THIS DUDE SO FREAKY

WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT”S FEEDING TIME

EW WHAT’S IN THERE

IM GONNA LEGITIMATELY CRY IF THEY KILL LASERBEAK PLEASE DONT KILL HIS BIRD

Why do the words “Laserbeak! Eject!” get me so emotional WHY AM I SO HEAD OVER HEELS FOR THIS CASSETTE TAPE AND BOOM BOX

DONT SHOOT LASERBEAK PLEASE

Ironic for Whirl to be the one to say “hold your fire”

Wow way to abandon Hot Rod and Soundwave

uH OH UH OH UH OH

Off-topic but tentacle dude’s voice sounds SO familiar I just can’t place it it’s a really good fit

OH SHOOT THEY”RE DRAINING THE ALL SPARK TOO

DO IT PERCY SAVE EVERYONE!!!!

Perceptor you are ADORABLE

PERCY YOU GOTTA SAY AUTOBOTS ROLL OUT

THERE WE GO OPTIMUS

Oh boy let’s see how Megatron reacts to Clobber interrupting him

Percy should just summon a hologram of Optimus, that would do it

YEAHHH THEY FREED EVERYONE!!!

DO IT GUYS!!! HEAT AND SOUND!!!!

CHROMIA!!! :D

FIST BUMP!!!!!

AND LASERBEAK IS OK!!!!

Uh oh spaghettio that doesn’t seem good

OH WOW YOU’RE REALLY GONNA END THE EPISODE THERE??? HECK I FORGET HOW SHORT THESE ARE

Not to sound predictable but I think that was the most interesting episodes of the season so far

Episode 12

Aw man the judge is still alive heck

MY BOYS!!! MY BOYS IN ONE ROOM TALKING TOGETHER AND NOT TRYING TO KILL EACH OTHER!!!

Optimus: We will work together to stop this Megatron: *half-hearted grumble of assent*

Bee please don’t reignite the war by bumping into people

LMAO WHY’S IT SOUND LIKE OPTIMUS JUST ASKED MEGATRON TO MARRY HIM

I love this they’re both like “frick this is so uncomfortable”

MEGATRON COME ON

HELL YEAH YOU TELL EM SOUNDWAVE nice teamwork!!!

KUP!!!! AND STRIKA!!!

LMAO THEY SHOVED THEM IN THE TRAINING SIM guys pls. I mean good effort but

Man can I just say it’s so nice seeing these two (especially Soundwave, the world’s most under-valued Decepticon ever) become respected leaders while getting time in the spotlight? I LOVE that!!!!

I should redraw this screenshot sometime

Bee and Arcee and Shadow Striker and Lockdown!! Such a good combo

OH MY GOSH HE SERIOUSLY DID A TOUCH REFERENCE

AHHHHHH SOUNDWAVE BACKED HIM UP WITH MUSIC, I KNEW THEY’D GET ALONG!!!! SALING YOU WERE SO RIGHT AHHHHH

I’D DIE FOR YOU TWO!!!!!!!!!!

TEAM SOUNDWAVE AND HOT ROD: THE ULTIMATE CAPTAINS!!!!

SKYWARP!!!!!!

YEAH!!!!!!!!!!

Life-or-death video games really do build friendships

WINDBLADE!!! :D

Aw man are you guys still really gonna wake up this Titan

Windblade: Did you guys ask Maccadam about this first Hot Rod: Oh absolutely he definitely said yes don’t worry about it Windblade: You sure? This dude seems like. Super evil Hot Rod: Nah it’ll be fine don’t even worry about it

THANK YOU RODDY for being the voice of reason for once

Maccadam: Now isn’t the time for this Titan, we need to save that for the season finale

Can’t believe they’re really dragging a bomb through the city

Ok so like. Where is Megatron during all of this. Are you seriously gonna sulk and miss this whole battle Megatron

Arcee with her machine gun is SO cute

Someone please shoot this shark dude and shut him up

AW THEY BROKE ARCEE’S MACHINE GUN :(

GET ‘IM WINDBLADE!!!

HEY MEGATRON OPTIMUS COULD REALLY USE A HAND HERE COME ON

WHOOPS so much for the bomb

OH AND EVERYONE ELSE I GUESS?? FORGOT THAT THE BOMB WOULD PROBABLY HIT THEM

WINDBLADE PLEASE BE CAREFUL

BEE FALLING AND RODDY IMMEDIATELY DROPPING DOWN TO SHIELD HIM, OH MAN THAT GOT ME HURTING SOMETHING FIERCE

HERE COMES IACONUS AND WINDBLADE

Man I hope we get to see Windblade and Starscream duke it out with Titans

THANK YOU FOR SAVING HER MACCADAM I WAS SO WORRIED

“I’ve lost too many cityspeakers this way” OH WOW THAT CONFESSION ACTUALLY LEGIT HURT....Mac how many times have city speakers tried controlling Iaconus? How many people have you seen die apart from the citizens of Iacon?

AW MAN BUMMER PLACE TO END IT ok let’s do a few more episodes after a quick break (I’m still SCREAMING over that Soundwave episode)

[valhalla-awaitsfor-us]

My goodbye to Voltron

Hi guys! Some of you know me, some of you don't, but my name is Sol I've been on this fandom since the end of season 2, Im -or was- a Plance shipper and I'm graduated in filmmaking.

I'm a peaceful person by nature so I'm not writing this to generate any type of conflict, I just need to get it off my chest. So, these are my thought on season 8, but mostly on Voltron as a whole. This is my personal journey through the serie and is something that I feel the need to post somewhere because I crave closure. Spoiler: Is not nice. So if you liked this season, or if you just want to avoid any type of rant. Please don't read this.

Ok, here we go:

Thoughts on Season 8:

Just why?

Plot? weak Characters? Totally out of characters

Just why. 

I watch the first 2 episodes and I just couldnt  go through the whole season. For the first time in my life I couldn't end a serie. I talked with some people so i know what happened... but damn. What a mess.

Shiro was almost like a background character. And the original backfroundcharcaters, instead of growing up and have a moment to shine, they simply vanished. I we could have seen more of Hunk... but I was expecting this. He was an important character on season 7... so I guess thats all for him.  Keith giving pep talks?mmm... I mean, it could be? But it still pretty weird. I sounded like a fanfiction...Pidge was... was such a nerd stereotype. Her character ended up being two dimensional. And yeah, sure, I wanted Plance... but beyond that, it would be nice to see for once the  nerd character have feelings. Sure, she cared for her family... but after she found them her plot was over. She just stood there and give a lot of info, like in a exposition. We get it, she is smart. Youve been telling us that for 8 season. And then there's Lance, who was promised a great arc.... and yeah, that didn't happen. His arc was what? Have a gf? His insecurities magically disappeared because he get to be with the girl fo his dreams? And this comes for a person who dosent ship Allurance BUT who think her little date was cute as hell. Just... no.

And finally... Allura.

I could never connect with her... why?I don't know, probably because her 3 main features were:  being a diplomat, being loved by everyone and suffering... she did had her moments...but I could count with the fingers of one hand the times on the show where she was actually happy or just being goofy and having a good time. Thats bullshit, and it isnt fair... But you wanna know what it also NOT fair? Killing her like that.Is messed up. Just why?

The villains motivations were exaggerated. (Haggar actually had her son dead body on that robot, like what the fuck) I feel like they solve everything with the power of friendship  and the whole thing was a big example of deus ex machina.

Also: Shiro wedding? really? that... that isnt... god, I just cant.

And finally, the biggest what the hell of the whole season:

Lance alteans marks.

How why and when?

Is he an Altean now? Why? How does it work? The power of true love or what? Don't throw us random stuff to us and then leave without any explanation. This mean that Lance have altean blood? Or Allura love turn him into al Altean?  Guys, you are writing a show and this is not a continuity error. This could change the characters story and consequently the whole plot. Is some random and just a big nonsense to put something like that on the final season and dont even have the decency of give an explanation.  So now Lance is gonna outlive his family and friends? Is that a real thing? Wow, how wonderful.

Oh and wait, The Lions just flew away ... like..what...why... Guys you are not even trying, thats lazy writing at it best.

Thoughts on Voltron:

Here we go.

I preferred character driven writing above plot driven writing anyday... and personally I think Voltron could have had a really nice balance between the both of them. But they screwed up their characters and then they also screwed up their plot.

After season 2 the show started to lose it quality. That just a cold fact. And I dare to say that it was because they stop focusing on the relationships between the paladin (just take Keith and Allura for example. They had the perfect oportunity the create a great bond between the two of them after season 2... and they just didnt care. AT ALL)... but ofc, it could also be because the plot started to lose sense. Who knows.

But I stayed. I stayed for season 3, and 4 and 5, and 6. Why? Because the great voice actors and the amazing storyboard artists, digital animators, ... the crew was fantastic. But  after season 7 I lost hope, and season 8 was a mess. With bring me to point out this: The people who says "Don't be an anti, if you don't like it go create you own content". I get it, I really don't like ants, they just awful... but Im point out facts and trying to explain why Im so dissapointed in a show that actually helped me a lot when I was feeling terrible with my life.And the thing is. I AM TRYING TO CREATE MY OWN CONTENT. In a graduated in filmmaking, and working my ass off to have a job on the industry, and I'm actually writing a script for an animated movie. But is hard.

  And the simply true is this: JDS and LM are designers, not writers.  I know they have talent... but again: They . are.  not . writers.  So yeah, I cant help but feel like thats a little unfair for people like me who actually studied for years to become a scriptwriter. Because here the thing: to have a good show you need to have a good script, you need to know the tone of the story you are trying to tell and you need to know your characters inside and out .And here is the trick: you need to show us all that, instead of telling us about it.

We all know that Voltron could have been the next Avatar... but ended up being just was another show with a big budget. And that's sad.

Here are some perosnal things that I cant beleive they didnt touch on the series:

-Keith almost dying for the greatest good.

-Lance actually dying.

-The whole friendship between the paladins never really show... is always just told  to us “yay, they are best friends” but not once they actually talk about their feeling, about their lifes, etc.

-I could talk about why plance make a lot more sense, especially because their stories arcs really compliment each other and help them grow as a individual characters... But whats the point.

-Axca ended up being just there.

-Lance having an altean sword? uh... hello?

-Lance explaity saying  that he is from cuba but never speaking in spanish. Thanks for that latino representtion Voltron, I loved it.

- Shiro becoming a background character.

Anyway, it used to be a greta show and I'm always gonna be thankful to help me on my darkest time... but I'm glad is over.

Now lest forget about the last 3 seasons and be happy. 

[jenroseyokel]

Awesome of the Year 2018: The Books

Happy New Year! ‘Tis the season for year end lists left and right as we attempt to figure out the best of everything from 2018. And of course, as a fan of books, music, and movies, it’s only right to get in on the list-making. Over the next week or so, I’ll be sharing my 2018 favorite lists. First up: books! This year, I set my Goodreads reading challenge at 40 books, and actually passed it. I’ve been setting arbitrary book goals for years, but I’m pretty sure this is the first time I’ve succeeded since 2007. Probably because of all the graphic novels and comic trades I read this year WHICH TOTALLY COUNT BTW. Ahem. Anyway. This isn’t really a best of 2018 list so much as a Here’s a Bunch of Books I Really Liked in 2018 list, split up into categories. I hope you’ll find something interesting here, especially if you’re looking for ways to spend bookstore or Amazon gift cards you got for Christmas… ;)

Newish Books by Rad Christian Women:

Every Arbitrary Book Goal should have a small correlated goal attached. This year mine was to make sure I read at least 50% women authors… and there have been a lot of GREAT new books from women writers in the past few years. If the “Christian women” section of your local bookstore makes you cringe a little inside too, check out these three wonderful books, all released in the past couple years:

Courage, Dear Heart by Rebecca K. Reynolds (NavPress, 2018)

Anyone who has read Rebecca’s writing knows she needed to write a book. She has a sharp mind, a poet's soul, a scientist's eye, and the most beautiful, tender heart. Also, she's an incredible writer who loves her readers with a love that radiates off every page. Buy a copy for everyone you know.

Wearing God by Lauren F. Winner (HarperOne, 2017) Girl Meets God was a formative book in my early 20s, and I’ve always meant to read more from this author, but somehow haven't. I finally picked up this one and oh man, for a solid month afterward I couldn’t stop thinking about it. With the eye of a scholar and the heart of a poet, Winner draws on personal stories, deep Biblical study, and a love of language to explore lesser known metaphors for God. Liturgy of the Ordinary by Tish Harrison Warren (InterVarsity Press, 2016)

Several years ago, James K.A. Smith’s Desiring the Kingdom helped me see liturgy in a new way, as not just religious practice, but the embedded routines that shape us. In this book, Tish Warren brings that idea to life as she walks through an ordinary day explores the holiness in our most mundane moments of living. You may not look at brushing your teeth or losing your keys the same way again.

Good Stories

This year, fiction reading was… all over the place? I don’t know if I read much that was OMG amazing, but here are a few that were fun…

The Fairyland Series 2-5 by Catherynne M. Valente (Feiwel & Friends, 2012-2015)

I am notoriously awful at finishing book series. I read the first Fairyland book maybe… two years ago? Yikes. Just finished the last one and wow, so fun. Colorful characters, a whimsical narrator, crazy locations, and a whole lot of heart make this Victorian fairytale meets contemporary fantasy a delight to read. 

Til We Have Faces by C.S. Lewis (Harcourt, 1956)

Lewis’ contemporary retelling of the Cupid and Pschye myth through the eyes of Psyche’s jealous sister Orual. Second read for me, and even better this time around. Pretty sure this is Lewis’ storytelling at his best.

Strange Practice by Vivian Shaw (Orbit, 2017)

This was a year to embrace fun, nerdy reads. So there was the Star Trek spoof Redshirts (with a plot twist I totally saw coming... and I am not good at guessing plot twists) and my first trip into the Star Wars extended book universe (or whatever the heck they call it these days) and… this. A story about a doctor for the undead in London, trying to solve the mysteries surrounding a murderous cult and keep her monster friends safe. Not the greatest, but a fun Halloween read. I’ll get to the sequel eventually. (See also: bad at finishing book series.)

Poetry for Everyone 

Another new reading practice this year: always keeping a poetry book on the bedside table. Poetry books are best for leisurely dipping in and out rather than reading cover to cover. If you think poetry is only for the ivory towers, give these writers a try and think again.

A Child's Year by Christopher Yokel (Independent, 2018)

Okay, I’m biased here, but hey! Chris quietly released a new poetry book into the world this fall, and I’m a big fan of Chris AND his poems. A Child’s Year is a season cycle, sort of like his last book A Year in Weetamoo Woods, but this time it’s anchored by a four part poem recalling the journey of seasons through childhood eyes. And according to our friend Kirsten’s 7-year-old son, he gets the experience right. ;) 

The Jubilee by John Blase (Bright Coppers Press, 2017) For his 50th birthday, John Blase released his first poetry book, with a poem for every year of life. It’s rare for me to make it through an entire collection start to finish but these were just so good. There are poems about aging — the author’s and his parents’ — and poems that evoke wide spaces and natural wonder. There are psalms and parables, and meditations on dying and, yes, living. All of them finely tuned with wisdom, gentle grace, and a touch of humor in all the right places. How I Discovered Poetry by Marilyn Nelson (Dial Books, 2014)

When I heard Marilyn Nelson read her poem “Thirteen-Year-Old American Negro Girl” on the On Being podcast, I was captivated. And when I found this lovely hardcover in a used bookstore back home in Florida, I knew I needed to read more. This is a memoir in poetry about growing up in a black military family during the American Civil Rights era, told with gentle lyricism, warmth, and humor. Plus, the book itself is lovely with whimsical illustrations and family photos.

Comics!

I’m always on a quest to get more comics in my life. Plus knocking out a whole series in a couple weeks is a solid way to pad out your Arbitrary Book Goal.

Amulet 1-7 by Kazu Kibuishi (Graphix, 2008-2016)

After their father’s tragic death, Emily and Navin move with their mom to a strange old house that belonged to their great-grandfather… and so the adventure begins. In this fantasy series, the two kids find themselves in an underground world of demons, robots, talking animals, and a dangerous and powerful Amulet. A captivating and beautifully illustrated fantasy tale. Ms. Marvel 1-5 by G. Willow Wilson (Marvel, 2014-2016)

Y’all, I super want to be a Marvel nerd. But alas, I can't keep up, so I get my sister to loan books to me. Ms. Marvel is my new fave. A Pakistani-American girl from Jersey City has the power to grow, shrink, and stretch her body at will. So she’s trying to fight crime, keep up at school, and well, stay out of trouble with her parents. So fun. (Dear Disney: I really want this kid to show up in Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. before it gets canceled kthxbye.)

The Legend of Wonder Woman by Ranae De Liz and Ray Dillon (DC Comics, 2016)

Weren’t we all mildly obsessed with Wonder Woman after the 2017 film? Another one I borrowed from my sister. A solid take on Diana’s origin story that’s accessible for comic n00bs (ahem, like me) who can’t figure out where to begin with beautiful art and a lot of heart.

The Classic I Finally Read 

Sense and Sensibility by Jane Austen I always try to tackle either a thick intimidating novel or an unread classic in the wintertime. This year, I worked on my Austen deficiency and discovered I relate a little too much to Elinor Dashwood.

What’s Next?

In the new year, I think my goal is less about numbers and more about reading widely. I liked the 50% women authors goal because it helped me actively choose to support women writers. This year, hoping to read more books by authors of color, explore some new ideas and genres, and hopefully do a better job reading deeply and taking notes. I’ve got my eye on Book Riot’s Read Harder Challenge too, perhaps as a way to dig into new things I wouldn’t normally notice. And yeah... perhaps a monthly reading life update is a thing I can do here on the blog. :)

If you’re curious to see the full list of What I Read This Year and follow along with me in 2019, feel free to follow me on Goodreads!

What were some of your favorite reads in 2018? And what are your goals for the new year? I’d love to hear all about it in the comments!

[snufflesmajor]

hey quick thing:

so i think im going to be taking a hiatus. im not sure how long for, but im hopeful it wont be forever.

   i’ve never made a post like this before on any of my blogs but ??? i guess an explanation might be wanted or something? that’s usually what i hear when people disappear without a word, so...

   there’s a lot happening in my personal life that is, frankly, kicking my arse. it isn’t something i enjoy talking about, and while some people know some of it and other people know other bits, i don’t think i’ve really talked to anyone (bar one person) about the full amount of it. basically it’s like fifty things i shouldn’t be a part of at all, all moving at once and in ways i’m not sure how to handle, and overall it really isn’t good.

   because of all that, rp and sirius in particular have been something of a safe space for me. i know how that sounds, hoo boy, but it’s been a really nice escape. a really neat way to get out of my own head and out of my own world for twenty minutes, and jump into what feels like a far less scary and problematic one instead. but lately… i don’t feel that?

   it isn’t anything any one person has done. i just don’t feel as though there’s any place in this fandom for my interpretation of sirius right now. it isn’t because i feel i’m some kind of visionary or something lmao, it’s just… it really sucks, you know? but, i’m not going to force it or be a child over it. it’s just something that is, and when something is, you can’t change it. especially when i’m not willing to change my interpretation to fit, and… well it sort of leaves me at a crossroads. i would love to keep keeping on, but it’s becoming increasingly frustrating and i’m not about that life.

   i just want to make it clear that this really isn’t directed at anyone? i’m not vaguing, and i’m not having a go at anyone. it’s just a really, really shitty feeling. one i wouldn’t usually post but hey, why not.

   anyway, these feelings are impacting my writing overall and while i’ve tried to push through, i feel as though it’s doing more harm than good at the moment. fandom politics and (this is strictly from my own perspective and not necessarily something true) disinterest, and ?? i mean, if we’re being totally honest here, it feels as though people only want to talk to me about one thing and while that one thing changes person to person, it really blows? that, or (again, only from my own perspective) it feels as though the interest i get for sirius is almost… like something others have talked to me about, or… this doesn’t make sense and i can’t think of the right word, and honestly there’s very little i can say on that topic in particular without sounding like something i’m definitely not. so we’ll just move right on past it.

   aside from the writing + sirius, i don’t really feel as though i can be myself right now (i am super australian, or my personality is, and i’ve found that to be something of an issue) and that’s… really shitty too.

   i don’t know. i just don’t think it’s fair to pretend like it’s all awesome when it clearly isn’t, because there’s the chance my misery will just spread and that isnt cool. plus, i want to be a real and proper writer, and plugging away here at the moment isn’t going to help me do that.

   i’ve started a new personal blog but i’m not sure i’ll be using it or not yet. i sort of just made it. I don’t know. honestly i don’t know what i’m going to be doing at all other than trying to remember what Not Being Sad feels like. i’d say message if you want my discord but ???? i think i have people on there? i don’t know. everything is pretty shitty, and i don’t know that i can actually talk to anyone about the full depth of it.

   anyway. i hope i catch you all around sooner rather than later. i can assure anyone who reads this that if i come back, i’ll be incredibly embarrassed about such an awful, self-serving, and self-centred post. so there’s that.

   the queue is still running and i might check this blog (because what else do i do, honestly) but i have no idea, really. i just don’t think i’ll be writing, and tbh, i don’t feel as though that’s going to be much of a loss for anyone anyway.

   if you’ve read this then thank you, and i’m very sorry you had to see it.

[a-baleful-howl]

This is Not a Love Story: part 2

Check out or refresh with Part 1 here.

To tell a good love story on screen, scenes, dialogue, camera angles and shots are important. Usually you have lots of quiet "get to know you" moments. Or single shots showing one of the love interests reactions. You need to give obvious and believable reasons for them to be falling in love. Television caters to the lowest common denominator for exposition. Usually its the big plot twists and mastermind moments that are subtle little easter egg hints.

When you compare the scenes between Jon and Sansa in S6, to the Jon and Dany scenes in S7, there is a big contrast. And the audience picked up on it, and thats why we now have a lot of Jonsa shippers after S6. People speak in body language, and movie language helps audiences to pick up on that. If you surprise your audience with a romance that wasn't well built up, you're audience will be colder to the idea and it will not feel believable. Or, the love story will not be the main focus, instead perhaps the conflict and the repercussions of it will be. It would not be a love story.

I am not sold on really anything right now. Ive said it before and I'll say it again. Im not sold on undercover!Jon. I'm not sold on horny!Jon. I'm not sold on Jon being in or out of love right now, either. It could go so many ways. But, after months of doing research on how to write romance for my own books and stories, I know when I see a well written romance vs a bad one. And I sure hope this badly written romance isnt the victim of a rushed season or cocky writers.

I definitely got the feeling from S6 that Kit was given direction that he was slowly falling in love with his "sister" and super conflicted about it. I know Kit can do it. I know he can - so why are we not seeing it here? He could be fighting against the idea of a relationship because he has bigger things to worry about (See: Night King) but what would he be falling in love with?? Right now, the only conceivable answer would be "her looks" - which is just....infuriating. Enraging. Just... jaw droppingly maddening.

Looks can be a starting point - yes. But once Jon sees more and more of who Dany really is, theres just no way he would fall in love. They have totally separate goals. Old, pre-crow Jon would have looked at Dany and just laughed.

So have the scenes theyve shared so far shown us how they would possibly fall in love? Let's see.

Directly after the power-struggle cave scene, we have Jon and Dany exit the cave onto the beach where Dany gets some bad news.

She flips out. Jon and Davos stand awkwardly by while mommy Dany and daddy Tyrion fight at the dinner table. When Dany turns around to bite Tyrions head off, Jon steps several steps back. She is frightening everyone else on that beach. This is a display of Dany's temperamental behavior. She is angry and turning against someone who was supposed to be her most trusted advisor. Her loyalty and diplomacy is hanging by a thread. She is not as calm and level headed as everyone would want you to believe. She will turn against anyone, at anytime.

She accuses Tyrion of being too attached to his family. Who else thinks family is super important? Jon, of course. He sees Dany basically say "fuck family" and threaten Tyrion, her hand, for putting family over her. Apparently, the only one allowed to be sentimental towards family is her?

She is worked up in such a rage over starting to lose her war that she immediately goes into the "dark place". Fire and blood. Tyrion tries to calm her down but she bites his head off more.

Emilia says in the BTS, "Every time that things go wrong, more Targaryen comes out. More fire comes out."

She's being rude to Tyrion, embarrassing him in front of others, disrespecting his advice. We have seen this in the past - Dany DOES NOT like being told what to do. More often than not she completely disregards her advisors advice, does what she wants to anyway, and it comes back to bite her in the end. Every season highlights a direct piece of advice she ignores and how it fails horribly. Why hasnt she learned her lesson by now? Because she never admits when she fucks up and learn from her mistakes.

Then she turns her attention to Jon when Tyrion doesn't tell her what she wants to hear.

Dany has shown Jon little, if any, respect since he arrived. Being cold, distant, imprisoning him, not calling him by his appointed title, only offering to help if she gets something in return, etc. So why does she ask him for his advice? Its surprising and makes little sense. And Jon does not want to get in the middle of this. This isn't his war, thats not why he came, and he just saw how she treats her advisors. But she's insistent. She wants advice from someone different.

Back to the dragons. He uses them to take a stab in the dark about how/why she has so many followers. He makes that great speech that boils down to "don't be more of the same. Be different." He's also taking a little bit of his own story here. He came back from the dead, did something impossible, and is trying to be a different ruler for his Kingdom than what they've seen before.

What's odd is that Jon visually calms her. She doesnt bite his head off for saying pretty much the same thing as Tyrion. She's a little more receptive to his advice. She already likes him more than Tyrion. Her eyes soften, she doesnt yell.

But as we see later, she didn't really take the advice to heart. Yes, she didnt storm Kings Landing with her dragons and kill thousands of innocent people - but she does go off immediately to kills soldiers, burns loot and frightens people into bowing to her. Thats not what Jon said to do, either.

So we see Dany softening to Jon. He made it about her dragons - and *whew boy* is that a way to get to her heart. He praised her to be this savior she wants to be. So, this is another hint that Dany is coming to like him and respect him. But where are the signs for Jon feeling the same?

He is frightened of her when she has her tantrum. He only answers when she insists. He wants no part of this. He sees her basically say "fuck family", turn on her most trusted advisor, flirt with a dark place and do what she wants anyway. Not attractive qualities for Jon. They are still opposites. She is still preoccupied with her quest for power.

She flies off, and then we see Jon and Davos walking around on Dragonstone, probably relaxed because Her Grace is gone for the moment.

Davos makes a comment about how Jon has been staring at her "good heart."

1. What have we seen yet, that would make Jon think she has a "good heart"? Shes been cold, uncooperative, prone to anger and entitled.

2. When have we ever seen Jon look at her boobs? In the cave, he keeps his eye line at her face/eyes. On the beach they were too busy backing away from her yelling to even look at her chest. In the throne room, any attraction he might have felt when first seeing her was eclipsed by her personality and attitude.

3. This is weird exposition to try and force the audience into thinking Jon is attracted to her. You should not have to spell out a romantic attraction. Looks and camera angles and dialogue should do it for you. We're watching film, not listening to a radio show.

Maybe this was a way of the writers spelling out why Jon is avoiding an attraction? "Theres no time for that". He is single-minded with the fight against the Night King. He's not open to the idea of romance.

Then, Jon reenforces this idea that he doesn't trust Dany at all. He is hesitant to believe she respects her subordinates because that is the opposite of everything he's seen so far. He's a King and she has imprisoned him against his will.

But Missandei's response gives him a little bit of insight into why people love and follow Dany. He had not seen it himself before Missandei spelled it out for him. He's been imprisoned, he's seen her be cold when he asked if she believed him, and he's seen her turn against Tyrion. He doesnt necessarily believe it, but he listens to Missandei.

This is why his speech on the beach made no sense to me. Why have him give that speech before he talks to Missandei or another one of her followers? Where did he get that speech from? Its almost an identical speech to Missandeis. And if he believed that, and came to that conclusion before talking to Missandei, then why is he doubtful of Dany's "good heart" in letting Missandei leave or Dany giving hope to her followers?

It would have made more sense to have him talk to a follower first, before his speech on the beach about Dany making "impossible things happen." Unless he came to that conclusion on his own - but then why ask Missandei? Why look so reluctant to open up to her? It makes no sense.

Immediately following is the Theon scene. Honestly, the more I rewatch this scene, the more I realized I love it more than the LF crypt scene. Oh god, the nuances. Jon's quivering rage voice. His dead eyes, which are more expressive than we get to see lately. Holy crap I love this scene.

But this, I guess, is also important to show Jon what kind of rag-tag gang Dany has as her allies now. Theon was such a little shit - growing up and when he betrayed Robb. It speaks to the type of person Dany is that she has this guy on her side.

Kit says in BTS "I think he's willing to forgive anyone if they are willing to help fight against the Night King."

But Jon explicitly says he is only sparing Theons life because of what he did for Sansa. Theon helped her escape. He sacrificed himself to save her - to take her away from that awful place. I'm sure Sansa and Jon have had many conversations since her escape about what Theon did. And not only did Theon tell Sansa that he didnt kill Bran and Rickon - that he murdered two innocent farmer boys, instead - but they got the proof in Rickon on the battlefield and Sam seeing Bran beyond the wall.

But Theon still did horrible things. He's still a slimey person in Jon's eyes. And here he is, on Dragonstone, fighting for Dany. What does that say to the company she keeps? That shes allied with morally questionable people? Or that she's a forgiving person, with a weakness for "cripples, bastards and broken things"? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Theon asks where she is, and Jon does not look happy or okay with the answer.

So far, we're in episode 4 of 7 and there is no reason for Jon to be attracted to Dany. He has seen bad sides of her. He has given her a few chances to show any good side, and she doesn't.

Dany is intrigued by him. He's kind and different. She asks for his opinion. His advice seems to calm her. He's played to her good side. So we can see her starting to soften.

But Jon is not really intrigued by her. He wanted to go home. He's been held against his will. She is stuck on this quest for power. She is hot-headed, selfish, and short sighted. He has seen very little redeeming qualities to warm up to her. He just wants his dragonglass and to GTFO. So far, she has only agreed to help IF he bends the knee. She wont help simply to save people. She wont help because of her "good heart". She wants his power and his kingdom in return. Not what he was hoping.

So then we have Dany coming back to Dragonstone after scaring people into bending the knee. The Tarlys dont, so she burns them to a crisp. She aint playing around.

Jon is just standing out on a cliff, in his cloak, probably brooding some more? Waiting for her? Welcoming party? Why is he out there?

And then we have a moment between him and her dragon. This is a moment ONLY between him and her dragon. Dany is just a spectator here.

He is frightened of the dragon, but YOLOs and faces his fear. He is literally facing his fear. Testing his own courage. Proving his own strength to himself. This moment has nothing to do with Dany, but everything to do with him.

He is awestruck. Dragons were a thing of legend. And now he is connecting with one. His adrenaline must be off the charts. Its a magical moment.

Now Dany is very attached to her dragons. She believes she is the only one with a connection to them. Most people would scream or run away. Her dragons have reacted violently to those who have ever threatened her or wished her harm in the past. They are one with her. And here is Drogon, a dragon which is aggressive and unpredictable, acting so gentle and different towards Jon. And shes just an outsider to this moment.

Another check mark that would make Jon attractive to her. Her dragons didn't scare him. Her dragon liked him. And Jon seems to like the dragon. Thats different. Thats new. Thats on the same level as her. He's surprised her yet again.

Now, Jon looks up at her as if "this is yours? This magnificent beast is yours?" But as soon as she comes down, he's all business again.

His moment with her dragon warmed her up to him a little. She wants to talk about her babies with someone else who probably has the same unhealthy admiration for them like she does. But he's not quite on the same page. Now, what word was Jon thinking instead of "beautiful"? Frightening? Terrifying? This sets off another one of Dany's "fire and blood" looks which scares Jon back into submission. She's a firecracker just waiting for a match. Dont want to get on her bad side. She's mama dragon - and hes seen that quite a lot.

Now, here is The Look(TM). Arguably the only time Jon seems to really look at her without thinking. In the scripts, the stage direction is "He watches her watching her dragons and wishes that he could keep looking at her and forget about the world events weighing on his shoulders." And dear god, was the impact lost.

In contrast, look at how Jon gets lost staring at Sansa in S6.

honestly, this scene is just ripe with Jon looks.

Focus shifts, single shots, close ups, and lingering on him lost in thought with no context. If you want to point out a look or reaction - THIS is how you do it. There are focus shifts, to highlight Jon's face. To bring attention to it. You can't miss it.

Him watching Dany in 7.05 is actually so subtle you might miss it. Its not the focus. We arent supposed to be honed in on his reaction. If it was oh-so-important, there would have been a single close-up, or a camera shift for us to see that he was distracted watching Dany.

Also, this is related to her dragons. Her relationship with those dragons is important to Jon. Jon only seems to show thought and softness when her dragons are involved. And it is over before you know it.

Back to business. He brings up what she left to do. And it's not good.

He's conflicted. She did the opposite of what he hoped she would do. He can understand why, but it's disappointing. Not a turn on. Not an attractive quality. Not something that is winning him over. Another chance she had to show him she was good, and she chose not to.

She has dragons. And shes not afraid to use them.

Then we move on to the talk and walk. He is still acting reserved. Shes in charge of the "get to know you" talk again. Shes standing closer. She's warmed up. She's talking much more like an equal and not like a cold ice-queen.

And she grabs his arm. But there’s no close up. ;)

Then she tries to get more acquainted by asking a more intimate question, in a more intimate way. Why is she so stuck on this knife in the heart line? And why is he still so insistent on not telling the truth? He still doesn't trust her. He is still on the fence about her. He lies to her face. And she just wont let it go.

This is not level playing ground. This is not "getting to know each other". Dany is trying but Jon is resisting her getting to know him any better. Why?

It looks like its about to get uncomfortable - that he is upset by lying and she might press the issue. But thankfully Jon is saved by Jorah. Dany looks so happy she might cry. Jon is confused by her sudden change in attitude. Who is this guy shes much more agreeable towards? Thats not the Dany hes seen in his time there.

Then she introduces him. Jon knows who he is.

Now, some say Jon looks "jealous". Um - why? Why would he be jealous? He trying to avoid a connection between them, as evidenced by his lie right before. He's simply clicking the pieces in his head - figuring out her relationships.

He sees her embrace and welcome this man who he was raised to think as a traitor, a bad man. Someone who his father had sentenced to death for doing unspeakable things. A coward who ran from his sentence. And here Jorah is, acting noble and completely loyal to this girl who has been cold to him and her other advisors the entire time he's been there. He sees more of her misfit rag-team, first Theon and now Jorah, and how she treats those who are loyal to her.

He's only clicking the pieces and starting to figure her out. His "good heart" line would have fit better after this scene, too. It made no sense where it was before.

This is the first time we see any hint that Jon might be able to warm up to her. The way she cares for her dragons. The company she keeps. How warm she really was to Jorah. But thats overshadowed by her action towards her enemies. Her look when he almost dare speak ill of her children. The fact that he still wants to keep his own secrets from her, whatever his reasons may be.

Its now episode 5 of 7 - and just now his side starts to come into play in this "supposed epic love story", and it's shaky at best. He is still wary of her.

Jon is staying very mysterious. Honestly, ever since he showed up in Dragonstone we are not shown much of his POV. We see a lot of Dany's POV - her talking with her people a lot. Her talking in her war room with Tyrion. We don't see a lot of Jon talking with his people, or talking about his wants and plans. He is staying a big mystery. Davos and him talk a little about how "theres no time for that." Jon and Theon have a Sansa moment. Gendry and Jon have a bonding moment. But do we ever see him talk about his plan for bringing Dany to his side? We really only see his actions through Dany's eyes or someone else's.

These non-focused looks are very mysterious. Why does he get lost staring at Dany? Why does he keep lying about dying? Theres no exposition. Which is really odd, because Dany has quite a bit of it.

This romance is shaky, forced, rushed and confusing at best. I mean, it helps explain the backlash and the disappointed fans. How viewers are confused by this outcome. Why everyone is desperate to think there is something else going on besides "true love".

I think everyone can agree that this relationship is doomed in one way or another. But the big question right now is - does Jon actually love/have feelings for her? What evidence is there for that? What has been shown on screen to support a mutual romance? Not much, so far.

I'll do the rest later. Tumblrs mobile update might ruin my current work (it only lets me tag one hashtag at a time because I have to use the mobile browser- blah) - but I'll get onto it! These take a lot more work than I'd expected, and coding from a smart phone is a bitch. Part 3 and (maybe?) Part 4 coming soon.

xoxo

edit: and it keeps fucking up on me. T.T I hate formatting on Tumblr so much...

[pensurfing]

Caitlin’s Three Things List

Okay, so moments (probably hours by the time I finish this) ago I wrote a goals list that I think is good for self-evaluation. (Keyword: This is what I think. results may vary depending on what you’re looking for.)

I’m going to hop to it and answer some of these that I laid out in hopes of having a better idea of what I want to accomplish. 

The Three Things Lists!

1) Three things that went well this year.

* Audience growth

So once upon a time, I grew a pretty decent following due to creating an Inktober Prompt list. My expectations: Maybe two of my friends would do this, maybe. And then one stranger that has followed me for a while. (There are a few followers I recognize their username because if I post something they always like it and for some reason that keeps me going.)

But because of this prompt, I was exposed to MANY new creators and illustrators that I now enjoy chatting with and following! Instagram had the biggest maintained growth. I’m excited to create for an audience that actually expects me to create and not just for friends who see my things “whenever they aren’t busy”. (Not to bash them or anything, just there are a lot where unless I tell them, they don’t see the posts I make.)

Another surge of growth in my audience was due to tabling at conventions this year. I was terrified to show my work let alone attempt to sell it to someone. Tabling at cons not only boosted my confidence but also quieted one of my ever going demons. “YoU sUcK aT dRaWiNg CaItLiN.” “How do you have a degree? oh right, you just barely passed.” I can’t say this is the case, there is an audience that genuinely enjoys my scribbles. So I am forever thankful to Atlanta Comic Con for giving me that chance. It honestly opened a few doors for me.

**Process

I’ve gotten more comfortable with showing my process. It can be messy, crisp, and illogical. But turns out the people who enjoy my content enjoy my scrambled thoughts. It’s something about not being alone in this sort of sense that calms the nerves.

So I can say with chest poked out that sharing process has gotten MUCH better. I can thank a self-help book I bought this year that was a FANTASTIC BUY. Austin Kleon has [two] (currently? If he has more then I’m buying it like people buy a name brand.) books that helped me see that it is GREAT to share not only the process but advice. “Show Your Work” is the book I’m talking about for now. Great tips, the outline is on the back of the book. So if you’re like me, I need to clearly see what I might be getting into, you might have a ball.

And finally, (not calling myself out on this but other) If you’re going to respond to people when they ask you “how do you___?” do not answer “Google it”. That is the rudest thing I’ve seen some of even my FAVORITE illustrators do; that response can burn in hell. PERIODT. (my one typo allowed.)

*** Art Style Exploration

For those who think college will help you establish an art style that you’ll enjoy or help nourish the one you currently have.... Let me save you over 80K.... No, the fuck it won’t.

That was the biggest thought I had going into art school. If anything, it confused me more and utterly destroyed what little confidence I had in my drawing style. After graduating, I had a huge swing from how I used to draw to how my art currently looks. I stopped trying to please the one professor who stood between me and my degree and started drawing to please my tastes. And guess what? That did something. And that something WORKED. I love what I draw now; I see why I chose this as my career path. I’m genuinely happy with how my pieces turn out versus in college just wanting to turn the damn thing in and hoping it isn’t an F.

2) Three things you could have handled better.

* The loss of a good paying client.

Now hear me out when I say this: A good paying client DOES NOT EQUAL a good client. Say that three times and then exhale.

Back earlier this year, I had the opportunity to work with a writer who gave me hell and back. And even that is an understatement. I dealt with her because in school you were taught “if they pay on time, finish the work and get the exposure.” 

I’m here to tell you my lesson learned: A good paying client DOES NOT EQUAL good exposure, good pay, a good client. 

I was doing the work of three for the price of one and a half. (And was always told I charged too much.) She tried abusing this power with friends of mine, with other illustrators. When things turned out bad, she tried saying it was my fault. She read my contract and then tried telling me I changed the wording, I purposely did this thing, another thing was my fault. I could go on with this story.

The part that I wish I handled better?

How I treated myself afterward. I’m so used to people telling me, “Cait, this is what you do wrong. This is how you fix it.” that I don’t consider my own feelings, and when I bring my feelings into the scenario they no longer matter. Because they tell me they don’t matter. In this case, I wish I had treated me better, because my feelings, my mental health, DOES matter.

**My Patience Getting Into Conventions.

Pretty self-explanatory. I got into one, finished one, and wanted to do eight more in a week. But this sort of thing just takes time and I need to accept that.

***My losses

I had to listen to a Little Mix song to actually learn this one. The context of the song is nowhere near the topic at hand. But a verse from Power feat Stomzy really packs a punch after this year: 

“ You look him in the eye and say, "I know I'm not a guy But see there's power in my losses and there's power in my wins" “

I had to look one of my demons in the face, and state something similar. My loses mean I’m trying. My loses piling shows I’m not willing to give up easily, and that is something that took a while to be content with.

3) Three things artistically you want to improve on.

*Composition

It’s not awful, but it can be better.

**Color

I told this BOLDLY if I might add while critiquing someone else’s portfolio; “Your color palette is boring. All your [things] look as if they are from the same universe, during the same time of day, with the same kind of mood. After three photos it’s bland, boring, and understood you have a preference.” 

Can you say damn Cait? The statement was, in fact, true, but I certainly could not talk. My color palette is mainly bright, pop, and happy. In order to tell a story, I KNOW it is best told with color. And I failed myself this year. But I sure won’t next year.

***My Damn Tag

Okay, alright. Why is it well-established artists have their tag figured out? Even some who’s art style is so recognizable (I’m looking HEAVILY at you Gabriel Piccolo.) we know it’s theirs, seem to have a tag that suits them and works for them. But more importantly, they put it in A VERY DECENT SPOT. SOMEONE SHARE THIS SCIENCE WITH ME? CAUSE APPARENTLY I DON’T GET IT.

4) Three things you want to focus on trying.

*More backgrounds.

As much as it pains me, I need to improve on backgrounds and perspective. When I do make backgrounds, I’m told I make great pieces. That I should look into becoming a background artist. And don’t get me wrong, I like them. But I don’t like them.

I feel as though I need to improve in that region so that way I don’t feel as though it’s a weakness of mine. My backgrounds are nice, but they aren’t nice to my standards.

**More designs

I love character designs, but let’s be real. If you were to scroll down my site or my Instagram page, or even this Tumblr archive, could you tell? 

I draw characters a lot sure, but none are designs. No process, no sheets, no turnarounds, none of that. So that’s a huge goal of mine for 2019.

***Scheduling posting

At one point I was pretty good at this. Live stream in Instagram and Twitter, cool. Videos on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. Cool. Everywhere gets a photo, everywhere gets a silly one-liner. Yay. I’m not leaving anything out.

Well by the end of this year that totally crumbled. 

SO I want to try getting better at that thing there. Because having attempted this at the end of the year was cool, but it still wasn’t enough apparently.

5) Three positive things to tell yourself.

* You are an inspiration. That’s all you wanted to be in life, you did it. I’m proud of you.

**You didn’t kill yourself like you tried to; you opened up about it for once and used that pint up anger creatively. That is very hard to do, trust. I’m proud of you.

***You moved on, matured, and let it go. Even when the goddess inside you told you these peasants didn’t deserve your light, your friendship, your greatness. I’m proud of you.

I’m just proud of me for not snapping when I had every right to; not everything deserves a reaction.

6) Three negative things you want to leave for 2018.

*Comparisons 

Oh boy. I am extremely guilty for this: I’ll compare myself to a well-known illustrator my age. I’ll compare myself to friends who are in the field having a blast and getting work; I’ll compare myself to friends who aren’t in the field and they struggle at getting work. I’ll compare myself to the kid I graduated high school with who is traveling the world, is able to eat, come home to his dog and relax because he doesn’t have tuition to pay. I’ll compare myself to these goddamn baby boomers who keep repeating “We didn’t have it hard, you’re just being stupid. Millennials aka our children deserve to starve. We’ll just put our faith in our grandchildren because screw the kids we raised and refuse to pay accordingly. $7 an hour worked in my day, they need to make it work now.” I’ll compare myself to fake people I created in my head and purposely made scenarios and wonder why I’m not like them, said creations I made because I was pretty low for ten minutes...

I just compare myself too much. To any damn body. It’s draining, obnoxious and most of all pointless. My new motto for next year is: “Unless it is helping you grow yourself, your brand, your spirituality, don’t do it.”

I’m not comparing my chapter two to someone’s chapter thirty-five. I’m not even comparing my chapter two to someone else’s chapter two. I need to stop doing that PERIOD! My journey is different, unique, and worth seeing through.

**Listening to negative others.

A couple of years ago, I lost a close friend around the time my aunt passed away. During this time I was hypersensitive to any and everything done or said; I also kept many walls up to hide my mourning. He caught the crossfire of all of that. I kept secrets from him I was too prideful of admitting and lashed out because of the emotional turmoil I kept suppressed. While in the midst of packing his things and leaving my life, he mentioned that I was a failure because I was unemployed and artistically speaking I hadn’t accomplished anything; that I would remain that way because that’s just the person I deserved to be. Now mind you, I graduated college that year; he was a flunk out. I changed my art style dramatically compared to when I started school to pass; he thought just posting crappy pictures of lukewarm sketches were equivalent. I started attempting trends and all he could do was copy. Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t to bash my old friend. If he were to come back into my life and move on like nothing had happened I’d do the same. (With some limitations.)

It’s just while typing out this scenario, of our four-year friendship I can’t think of one nice thing/compliment/gesture he has said to me. That’s my problem.

I can be praised, admired, and look highly upon for years straight. But my problem is I let others negative thinking and comments marinate with me for a long while. Too long of a while.

Another example is my mother’s friend. (My mom has many friends that do this shit, but this one stung more.) 

This friend always roots for me; treats me like a person, and encourages my artistic journey. I consider her family before my actual relatives. 

We went over for some barbeque the family was having and I was ready. Black Hallmark Cookouts, laughing, good food, good music, shit talking others teams. She asked me a harmless question of when was I going to quit my day job. Seemed like nothing at first, until the added gest of what she continued with. “All I’m saying is you can’t do [your day job] forever. That will get old. If the art thing doesn’t work out next year what’s plan b?”

I’m not a calm person (usually). Normal Caitlin would have cursed her out and mentioned how just because she chose a job to settle and be miserable at for most of her life doesn’t mean I have to follow suit. But again, of all the nice encouraging things she has done, said, and showed, for a while, I couldn’t think of it. 

So I pray I let go of this nasty behavior in 2018; it’s going to be hard but it is dire.

***Saying I’m Not Enough

Alright, now put the combination of the two above in a bowl and what do you get? A Caitlin who struggles in interviews and applying for jobs because I let comparisons and negative comments rule my thoughts. This stopped me from applying to jobs I would have been perfect for; internships that could have helped me; posting art online.

We (including me) have to stop thinking that in order to be an illustrator means we have to pass a certain threshold of struggle, success, and a huge number of followers. That isn’t the job description. NO JOB DESCRIPTION has ”must have at least 10K followers on Instagram or Twitter.” nOnE. 

So we (including me) need to stop treating ourselves this way. Period.

7) Three things you’re looking forward to in 2019.

*Going to move conventions.

**Adding pieces to my portfolio to try again at job hunting.

***Becoming content with the fact that my current situation isn’t my permanent situation. Unless I laze around and make it so.

Alright, so this was basically me calling myself out on my noise. Lashing out my demons and putting it in writing what I want to accomplish. I hope this inspires you to write yours, even if you keep it private. I hope it guides you and maintains your vision.

I’ll see you in 2019

A new wave

Caitlin xx

[prydefully]

CAN YOU BELIEVE I’VE HAD THIS BLOG FOR ONE WHOLE YEAR???? BC I CANT!! 

i seriously think this is the longest i’ve ever had a blog eVER and i cannot believe it’s still going strong!! thank you for all of you who have been following me over the past year - especially some of you guys still kicking around since day 1!! it really means the world to me that so many of you have taken the time to rp with me over the past year and have been such an inspiration and been so kind and dkldkldfkldkl i really love u all!!! if you’re not on this post im sORRY but i couldnt but absolutely everyone that i love yknow. but anYWAYS. ON W THE CRYIN!! 

EXCLUSIVE BABES! 

@avalanchiing - do i even need to tell you how much i love you? honestly youre such a sweet heart, you’re so kind and so funny and amazing to talk to. you’ve proved to not only be a great writing/shipping partner but a completely amazing friend and im so so so happy to have the privilege of writing with you. you’ve brought my shipping of lancitty to a whole new level i never thought i’d reach and i thrive off of our angst. i love you so much and i hope to continue writing with you for years to come!! <3 

@outlawiism - L U C Y. honestly is there even a BETTER peter quill out there??? you’re one of the sweetest people on this website and not to mention you’re so FUNNY and your portrayal is completely amazing. i am in complete awe of your writing and im still #SHOOK that you even follow me slskldfkldsklf i completely love all of our headcanons about kitty and peter just being FRIENDS as they should be and im so happy to have found you on this website!! i cant wait to continue writing with you and chatting with you on skype!!! thank you!!  MAIN BABES! 

@genotypiic - M I N I B A B E. babe. i love you so much skdslfkldskf. youre so funny and i love texting u every day. we have the beST And most important conversations (such as what would happen if ya put glitter on ya dick). youre writing is fantastic and you are so passionate about all of your characters, both canon and oc and it’s honestly so inspiring to see someone who is so attached to their characters and i love it so much. youre such an amazing friend and i LOVE U SO MUCH LDLSLFLDSLF: 

@itsaboutsurviving - i love love love your logan so much? i cannot even begin to describe how absolutely spot on your writing is for this character. i love our headcanons and just talking to you about kitty and logans relationship. not to mention how unique and exciting our plot line with them is i really cant wait to develop it further and do more with you in the story!! youre so incredibly talented and nice and im so honoured to have you on this list <3  @blindedleadingtheblind - N I C O L E. do i need to say anything???? u know i thrive off of scott summers in both his relationships w kitty n with emma and youre such an amazing scott i cannot believe u’ve chosen to stick with me with all of the fantastic writers out there. youre such a sweetie pie and every conversation with have is literally filled with gold and i cannot believe im not dead w how CUTE everything always is. i know ur busy with clark but iTS FINE I LOVE YOU SO M UC H what A B A BE.  @phcenixgirl - claire claire claire claire. we really really really need to write more bc rachel summers is a blessing to this planet and you write her so well akdsfkkdsnnk. your absolute love of kitty and rachel fuels my existence and without you i wouldnt be here shipping some gay ass trashy muse and trying to get kitty to be president with her WIFE as an amazing first lady. youre so kind and such a joy to just talk to about ANYTHING and i sincerely wish you the best with everything thats been going on in your life!!! <3  OKAY THESE KIDS DIDNT LIKE THE POST BUT I NEEDED TO CALL’EM OUT ANYWAYS 

@sickofyourbullshxt - karen and kitty is the most crack pairing ever but its totally my new otp and no one can stop me. there is such a strange chemistry within both of our characters as well as our writing styles and i am far from complaining about that. i adore karen and the way you write her and how fASCINATING our stories with them are. i also love our completely contrasting aus but how they both work PERFECTLY ugh KI L L ME. youre so incredibly talented and i cant wait to see where we go from here!!  @phencyclidinc - we’ve been rping for like, this entire year and can i say that angel is one of my fAVOURITE muses on this site. you write her so well and our interactions with them are some of my favourite things that i’ve written ever. kitty really needs that big sister figure and angel fits the bill perfectly, even if it is a little unwilling. you’ve taken such a unique spin on the character and it works perfectly??? i dont know how you’ve managed to write such an amazing character off of what little we saw of her in the movie but you’ve done it and im completely floored by how amazing it is!!  @ziischeln - THE ONE & TRUE DADNETO. your portrayal of erik is totally unique and absolutely captivating. everything you’ve done with the character to make him yours has been completely stunning and wow???? he feels completely real and im 100000% sure that behind the computer is the actual erik lehnsherr grumbling about how he isnt white and ppl need to start getting him right lmao. the way hes taken to kitty is one of my favourite relationships and i love exploring a darker side of my character with you and im completely honoured that you’ve given me the means to do that!!  AND NOW HERES A BUNCH OF PEOPLE THAT I FOLLOW / ADMIRE FROM AFAR / WANT TO RP WITH MORE;;; IF I MISSED ANYONE IM SORRY KSSDLFL  A - F @abberaticn @acertainfemininemystique @adaftoldman @adaptabiiility @alinamaximoffrogers @anxmalxnstincts @asgardianhammer @bigdumbbigguy @blackcowledbat @brightica @canadianclaws @cary-onmywaywardson @centuriesuntold @clownbleach @cxpt @damagcdjokes @danversiism @dappercobblepot @districtattorneydent @escriimatiic @falsegcd @fangedfirecracker @fearbehindasmile @felincsircn H - K  @hawkwithoutanaim @hcmicida @hellsdexil @heroichunter @hittcr @iwannabebanshee @jesterbleach @knightlaws L - P  @lcgixn @loganweaponx @mannamedafterwire @misskringle @missppxtts @misterwisdom @mutantmasterofmagnetism @mvrtyrd @notjustpainandangcr @notmadeofsteel @nygmatica @onlymyown @pcntuprage @phasiiingxshadow @playwithmagik  Q - T @qceenmother @reclaimedasset @redheadarcher @reigninghavok @rolcplaycr @servinglies @she-died-once @soldiersdate @soulofthexmen @sparkystarsmore @sugardaddypenguin @thatyellowjacket @thedoopster  U - X @underoosed @unhciligen @velmstxr @verpissdiiich @viiride @weaknessforgallantry @webheadjrr @wildtsukai @withoutxfear @wobblemywebs @xmarksthescott @xstrange @xvoleur

THANK YOU ALL FOR AN AMAZING YEAR! <3

[tripile]

A Winter CSF Leak Update

I’ve received many very similar emails and DMs during the last few days.

“Jodi…?” the messages start out. “I don’t want to bother you but it has been a long time since you posted, and I’m really starting to worry.”

“Jodi: blink twice if you’re ok?”

“Jodi, here is a llama walking into an optometrist’s office in France. I thought of you! Also, ARE YOU OK?”

In a world of easy access to people’s inboxes, readers have only been a pleasure, a virtual cloud of warmth and never a burden. And when so many of you ping at once, I know I am due for an update. In this slow bedrest state, life feels like a woozy Groundhog Day. I love the filaments that connect me to so many of you, reminding me not to lose track of time entirely. I am so humbled by your care.

***

When I was a kid, my mother said my first word was a word. Instead of continuing along those lines, apparently the next thing I started said was a sentence, “see car go by.”

“And then,” my family jokes, “she never stopped talking!”

Being at a loss for words is not a problem I normally have. But yes, I have been very lax at updating because it’s been hard to find words for what I’m feeling.

A Leaky Anniversary

January 26 was the one year anniversary of the patch that sealed me last year. I had a really rough and heart-wrenching time reckoning with where I am on this anniversary. Instead of scaffolding off the slow and arduous recovery that followed the anaphylaxis and procedure, I am in bed.

Again.

For many months.

If you’re just tuning in, the CSF leak that sealed up and was healing reopened because I sat on the ground. Gingerly. Not even enthusiastically. I went from 4-5km walks a day, to no walking in record time.

At first, I was in extreme denial that something so small, so inhibited could blow out the scar tissue that had months to form. But one by one, each symptom I had in 2017 came back. I keep detailed daily logs of every symptom, supplement or mediation, and food. I couldn’t deny what I was experiencing.

Then, the grief. The anger. The deep sadness, the kind that suffocates all hope.

We learn about the “stages of grief” in popular culture, but what happens when they just cycle over and over? When you think you’ve come out the other side and can breathe again, when you tilt your face up at a brighter-than-you-remembered sun, only to find that you’re back in the dark?

***

My body, when I releaked, was in far better shape than the initial leak in 2017. Labs last summer showed improvements and lower inflammatory markers. I tried to stay positive. My friends and family came to visit. My inbox overflowed with llama photos.

As fall turned to winter, I saw some wonderful improvements. I stopped having the “brain sag” of my brain smushing into my spine due to low pressure. I moved into “high pressure” again, which is usually a symptom of the leak starting to seal over — the extra CSF produced while leaking backs up against the hole now tentatively closed. I started on the meds to lower intracranial pressure to prevent the fragile seal from bursting due to pressure. I felt cautiously optimistic.

And then a few weeks later in mid-December, I had an awful nightmare in my sleep. I remember it perfectly. And I also remember what woke me up: the excruciating pain in my back.

After an epidural blood patch to seal a CSF leak, the discharge instructions note that there’s to be no bending, lifting, or twisting for many weeks, but also that coughing or sneezing can blow out the patch due to intrathecal pressure. Many fellow leakers have blown out their patches — a clot or glue covering the leak temporarily while your own body can heal with scar tissue underneath — from constipation (pushing), sneezing, coughing, laughing.

Suspend your humanness while you can, the unsaid instructions whisper. Don’t do anything that can compromise this seal.

In my case, this nightmare I had blew out the seal and I was back to square one.

The Roller-Coaster of Ups and Downs

It is difficult for me to express the crazy-making nature of this condition.

No imaging sensitive enough to show a leak in many cases, including where it is located in the spine. Many people are chronically misdiagnosed because their imaging is normal. Normal imaging, the leak experts have learned, does not exclude a leak.

So the best way to know if you are leaking is via your symptoms, which only exacerbates your anxiety about what may or may not be happening in your body. It is a very tough, very exhausting dance to undertake. I have struggled the most with this balance of attempting to stay in touch with my body while also uncurling my clenched hands from the eventual outcome. Science tells us that focusing ad nauseum on our pain can magnify it in our minds, hence the usefulness of mindfulness and other meditation.

When your condition requires a focus on pain, and you also know you need to stay equanimous to heal effectively? That is a total mindfuck.

***

In mid-December, a close family member took a turn for the very worse. The funeral was around Christmas. I was too unwell to attend. Combined with the Re-Re-leak, I spiralled pretty solidly into a very bleak place.

If I’ve learned anything in this madness, it’s that staying in the black hole of despair is not how you heal. With the crutches of visits and calls from close friends, someone to talk with who specializes in grief, and the tools I’ve drawn on at the worst of times, I was able to wrench myself to a better place.

But still, I am not sealed and healed.

***

I put off Duke when I re-leaked because of what happened during the last round of patching. There is a lesson about anxiety in that procedure too: in my most creative of nightmares, I never imagined anaphylaxis as part of what could go wrong.

But it did, and while they will not use fibrin glue again (suspecting that was the cause for anaphylaxis), I’ve written about how my body seems to be stuck in that very reactive, anaphylax-y place. My mast cells degranulated all over the place and LOVED it. They seem to enjoy doing so again and again since, not only to foods but also smells – and even hot showers.

Given how pear-shaped things went last time, I wanted to give my body a long chance to seal before committing to another procedure. When I did seemingly seal up in November, I was so thrilled. It didn’t (and doesn’t) matter to me if it takes a long time, though my parents have the patience of saints. If slow and steady was the way, I was ok with that as long as I sealed up.

I will be honest: my turbulent December and January have tested the limits of my capacity for grace and patience and hope. I have been on bedrest for quite a few months. While I’m not bored, the pain levels are pretty unconscionable and keeping my spirit up has been a mighty challenge.

From my own calculus: if I do need to go back to Duke, I want to know I gave my body a full shot.

That way, if – IF – things go awry again during a procedure, I won’t be able to look back and say, “should have given it a bit more time.”

***

So where are we now? It’s February, and almost at my favourite holiday in the world: Vietnamese lunar new year or Tet. An amazing reader named Wendy just sent me a pic of lamp in my name from her family’s temple in Malaysia, a New Year wish of health and prosperity. Lunar new year was a time for reflection and cleaning and cleansing for my years in Asia, and I’ve kept that spirit during my return to Mexico and Canada. New Year starts in a few days, and with it I hope a better climate for healing.

I have seen such progress since the re-leak, progress I didn’t see when first in bed in 2017. I keep flipping into high pressure as it starts to seal, then unsealing. It may be that I need intervention after all, but I still have hope that the JodiDura-that-could comes through this winter. I’m eating a strict and healthy diet, meditating, visualizing, consistently working to bring my mind into a better space.

If I can’t seal during the winter, it certainly won’t be because I didn’t try.

Learning to be the Tortoise

There once was a speedy hare who bragged about how fast he could run. Tired of hearing him boast, Slow and Steady, the tortoise, challenged him to a race. All the animals in the forest gathered to watch. Hare ran down the road for a while and then and paused to rest. He looked back at Slow and Steady and cried out, “How do you expect to win this race when you are walking along at your slow, slow pace?” Hare stretched himself out alongside the road and fell asleep, thinking, “There is plenty of time to relax.” Slow and Steady walked and walked. He never, ever stopped until he came to the finish line. The animals who were watching cheered so loudly for Tortoise, they woke up Hare. Hare stretched and yawned and began to run again, but it was too late. Tortoise was over the line. After that, Hare always reminded himself, “Don’t brag about your lightning pace, for Slow and Steady won the race!”

The moral lesson of the Aesop’s “Tortoise and the Hare” fable is that sometimes you can be more successful by doing things slowly and steadily than by rash action. The race (of life) isn’t necessarily won by the fastest or strongest animal, but by those who persist in the face of obstacles – including the obstacle of time.

I undertook my life in the stubborn spirit of the hare.

I went to law school straight from grade 13 (CEGEP, in Quebec) because someone bet me I couldn’t get in. I took a job in NYC because on my first day of law school, someone said, “you don’t deserve to be here. Go back to high school where you belong. And don’t bother getting a job in New York City – you’ll never succeed.” When I quit my law job, it wasn’t for a two month trip, it was for an open jaw adventure to Siberia that unfurled into a glorious and food-filled new career.

My identity for years was the lawyer who quit her job to eat soup. As I’ve laid in bed on and off since 2017, I’ve watched the travel industry and my fellow writers move on with their lives. Mine feels very stuck. I am very unused to not being able to solve problems by DOING, and it is a monumental shift in my mindset. Above and beyond the leak, my health will require a different way of approaching work.

Apparently it’s time to be the tortoise.

Tortoise pic from one of the first adventures in my round-the-world trip: the Galapagos Islands in Ecuador

I’m still feeling around the edges of what that means for me. Sealing and healing will require me to change a lot about how I approach work and achievement, because excessive doing is a surefire way to undo my progress. There’s a lot here I hope to write about in the future, about learning to get under your mind and into your heart.

About listening to your body before it’s too late.

About not necessarily taking every bet that comes your way as a life challenge.

For now, though, I don’t know what I will redefine life “as.” I trust that it will unfold in its own way. While mourning the life I had, I also feel curious about what comes next.

But first: this leak in my spine needs to be firmly sealed for me to get walking again.

***

Thank you all as always for the caring notes, the questions, and the overwhelming support and love. I am extraordinarily lucky to have such a robust army of cheerleaders around the world.

Many of you have dedicated your meditation practices to my health, and for that I am grateful. I do plan to restart the group meditations next week, on Sunday February 10th. If you are interested in joining, the first 7 weeks are here, and you can enjoy any of the meditations as the tracks are all on that post.

I have been meditating alone here, but with all that unfolded I couldn’t manage the group ones during the holidays. I appreciate how many emails I’ve received asking when they’ll restart, and I am so glad many of you find them helpful and a source of light.

I haven’t written publicly in a long time, but typing this post out with my thumbs felt very good. I missed it. And though I would still be writing if no one was reading, I’m glad to go through this very tough journey with a community like you to help make things better along the way.

Jodi

The post A Winter CSF Leak Update appeared first on Legal Nomads.

A Winter CSF Leak Update published first on https://oceandreamblog.tumblr.com/

[viralhottopics]

‘Just don’t stare’: a night of nudity and dancing at the art gallery

Sydney Dance Company performs a world-first all-naked event to the delight of avid nudists. Just be careful where you look

Here? I ask. We undress here? The man beside me already has his pants off.

His name is Matt and he got a head start while the Sydney Dance Companys artistic director, Rafael Bonachela, gave a welcome speech on lower level one of the Art Gallery of New South Wales. As Bonachela talked Matt had removed his sneakers and stuffed his peeled-off socks inside. About 150 of us begin to follow suit.

Matt, naked already, beams at me. This was my idea! Matt, it turns out, is the New South Wales co-founder of Young Nudists of Australia. When he saw the nude dance performance advertised Bonachelas choreographed response to an exhibition of nudes from Londons Tate collection he contacted the gallery to suggest a naked night.

Bonachela had tabled, and discarded, the idea. We had talked about everyone participating, disrobing, at the gallery, he says. When he got in touch, I was like, We still have time, lets do it. The slowest-selling show was swiftly rebranded as nude-only and sold out within a day. Two nude nights were added. They sold out too, faster than the clothed shows.

Matt was delighted. Im no connoisseur of fine arts. We want to show people that the nudist lifestyle is not just old people playing volleyball. These one-off events are a way to interest people in nude social recreation.

Connoisseurs at Australias major arts institutions are indeed interested. Naked tours lead by the Melbourne artist Stuart Ringholt returned to Sydneys Museum of Contemporary Art late last year after premiering there in 2012. Ringholts tour was so enlightening for the MCAs director of audience engagement, Gill Nicol, that she is leading a womens naked tour in March for International Womens Day.

I learnt so much, Nicol wrote. It is just you, literally bare, and with your feet firmly on the floor no phones, no clothes, no bags just an authentic, real experience.

When the slowest-selling dance performance was rebranded as nude-only, it sold out within a day and two more nude nights were added. Photograph: Pedro Greig

Ringholt introduced nudity to the National Gallery of Australia in 2015 with tours of the perspective-defying work of the US light artist James Turrell. We eat light, drink it in through our skins, Turrell wrote. Hobarts Dark Mofo festival, meanwhile, programs a nude dawn swim in the river Derwent each year to mark the winter solstice. Up to 800 people dive into what organisers call a ritual that invites them to shed their skins and inhibitions.

Curator-speak aside, why are people drawn to the experience? Is it a gimmick for middle-class art appreciators to be titillated in a sophisticated setting? A plunge into the unknown in pursuit of shocks retreating frontier? An appropriation of niche scenes like nudism for artists whove run out of ideas? A desire to occupy our bodies at a time when we feel more disassociated from them than ever?

In Europe, nakedness is not novel. If you see a [dance] performance and there isnt a naked body, its weird, Bonachela says. In French Canada you have companies doing full nudity for the full show. Yet it is Bonachelas Sydney festival show that is by all accounts the world first: nude dancers in front of nude paintings before a nude audience. The extra combo deal.

Bras and boxers shed, we file as a fleshy mass towards the exhibition. Walking in the same direction, it is all wobbling arses, jarring tan lines and back tattoos. Its been a hot day; I smell sweat and its combatants. Isnt this great? Matt whispers. On entering the exhibition we disperse, as instructed, to see dance pieces going on simultaneously in multiple rooms and suddenly peoples privates are public.

I was told as a girl that making eye contact with a stranger signalled availability. The comment has never left me; not for a day. Like many woman Im afflicted by a conviction that unwanted attention is my fault. Still, eye contact has been a habit Ive struggled to shed. As a writer I am in constant, reflexive observation. I stare a lot. But Ive learnt to drop my eyes if my look is returned, especially no, always if it is a man.

Here, the tactic backfires. My gaze keeps falling on penises and pubic hair. To be clear, Im OK with that. Some of my best friends have genitals. But I dont want to look as though I paid to perve. Besides, the exhibition features work from Pierre Bonnard, Pablo Picasso, Gwen John and Tracy Emin, as well as the sublime bodies of seven dancers. Why waste eye time on randoms?

I keep my head erect and eyes level. I dont fold my arms or clasp my hands because it communicates a defensiveness Im elated to realise I do not feel. I find myself assuming the closest Ive come to Tadasana (mountain pose) outside a yoga studio. With nowhere to hide, yet everything on display, in a rapid and total way I quit trying. And Matt is right: it feels great.

I tap his expertise further. How does it work? Can I look at people?

Just dont stare. And by and large, people dont. Ive felt more scrutinised and objectifed in boots, beanie and a winter coat.

I didnt choreograph like, Lets hide this, explains Sydney Dance Company artistic director Rafael Bonachela. Photograph: Pedro Greig

For textiles like me (the name nudists give people whod rather wear clothes), this rush of freshly minted freedom distracts me from the task at hand: art appreciation. That is until I see a male and female duo entwined and circling Auguste Rodins The Kiss. The dancers are not only naked, they are very close to us. We watch in awed silence. No shoes clack, no bags rustle, no slacks slide.

An unclothed audience is quiet yet bold. The clothed audience, says Bonachela who strolls the eight rooms tonight as blithely naked as the rest of us held back a lot more. They were quite shy because theyre let into this room with nude people, oh my god, he says. The nude audience immediately spread through the whole gallery. They go in!

My second highlight is a coquettish cabaret-style routine danced by a female duo. Their hair hangs loose and they are makeup free. They look like two uncannily toned women whove sprung up from towels on a beach, unclipped their bikinis, and begun to joyfully dance. We laugh, agog, delighted. I barely clock Francis Bacons stunning, tormented triptych of paintings behind them.

They dont recoil from high kicks. When I created this work I was not going to be shy about it, Bonachela says. Like, I am bending forward and this is my bumhole. This is how between my legs looks. I didnt choreograph like, Lets hide this.

It is not all beautiful moments. Waiting in the Domain before the show a leathery guy on a park bench eyes me and I fervently hope hes not a ticketholder. Later, at the show, I retreat into a smaller room to be alone and look at art. When I turn to leave, three men close the exit with their naked bodies and a panic rises, primal, a need to escape. They turn harmlessly to the art, just three silly bottoms, and I sidle out.

In the room where Ron Muecks Wild Man looms, the hyper-real and oversized sculpture gripped by paranoias paralysis, a trio of three male dancers overwhelms me too. And in the main room when the dancers reach out to spectators and waltz them around, arrange them in formation like artworks themselves, I again retreat to the darkened room of The Kiss, one layer of interaction too much. When my clothes came off, so did an exhausting volume of psychic weight but processing its disappearance is tiring too.

Putting my underwear on in the foyer feels far more intimate than being naked a few minutes before. It evokes the sexuality of a striptease while there had been little of overt sexuality or sleaze about the 45 minutes among the artworks.

It is likely Australian audiences will have more chances to be exposed to living, breathing naked art. This has been a highlight in my career, Bonachela says. So who knows, I may bring more nudity to the stage. It may have another life.

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from ‘Just don’t stare’: a night of nudity and dancing at the art gallery