#i am not pleased with how i look bitch whooo the fuck do i think i am lol

[beefy-keefy]

i was tagged by @keithkcgne my entire heart belongs to you meagan!!

RULES – Bold the statements that are true & tag 15 people @yuriio-nice @sweetmirai @seriously-sheith @regenbogen-flummi @seijakuna @amos-burton @nevenne-creates @mollymauk-ingyou @melancholiaspade @ilgattopatata @nikuttek @okaypancake @kalamity-j @lachicavoltron333 @ace-ghostfire137 and anyone else who wants to do this!! IM SO SORRY IF I TAGGED YOU AND WE’VE NEVER TALKED. MY MUTUALS TAGGED LIKE EVERYONE I KNOW SO IM GOING THROUGH MY TUMBLR CRUSHES AND PPL WHO I FOLLOW/FOLLOW ME RANDOMLY. (also,, like half of these people I have talked to but haven't talked to in a few months so hi) I STG IM NOT A WEIRDO. TALK TO ME BTW IF WE HAVEN’T!!!!

APPEARANCE

I am over 5‘5“ / I wear glasses/contacts / I have blond hair / I wear sweatshirts a lot / I prefer loose clothing to tight clothing / I have one or more piercings / I have at least one tattoo / I have blue eyes / I have dyed or highlighted my hair/ I have gotten plastic surgery / I have or had braces / I sunburn easily / I have freckles / I paint my nails / I typically wear makeup / I don’t often smile / I am pleased with how I look / I prefer Nike to Adidas / I wear baseball hats backwards

HOBBIES AND TALENTS

I play a sport / I can play an instrument / I am artistic / I know more than one language / I have won a trophy in some sort of competition / I can cook or bake without a recipe / I know how to swim / I enjoy writing / I can do origami / I prefer movies to TV shows / I can execute a perfect somersault / I enjoy singing / I could survive in the wild on my own / I have read a new book series this year / I enjoy spending time with friends / I travel during school or work breaks / I can do a handstand

EXPERIENCES

I have had my first kiss / I have gotten drunk / I have told a crush I like them / I have traveled outside of the country / I have flown on an airplane / I have stayed awake for more than 48 hours / I have had a near-death experience / I have caught something on fire / I have performed in a talent show / I have shot a gun / I have been on TV / I have gone scuba diving / I have broken a bone / I have slow-danced / I have gone on a shopping spree

RELATIONSHIPS

I am in a relationship / I have been single for over a year / I have a crush / I have a best friend / I have known a friend for over ten years / I have a brother / I have dated my best friend / I am adopted / My crush has confessed to me / I have had a long-distance relationship / I am an only child / I give advice to my friends / I have made an online friend / I met up with someone I have met online

AESTHETICS

I have heard the ocean in a conch shell / I have watched the sun rise / I enjoy rainy days / I have slept under the stars / I meditate outside / The sound of chirping calms me / I enjoy the smell of the beach / I know what snow tastes like / I listen to music to fall asleep / I enjoy thunderstorms / I enjoy cloud watching / I have attended a bonfire / I pay close attention to colors / I find mystery in the ocean / I enjoy hiking on nature paths / Autumn is my favorite season

MISCELLANEOUS

I can fall asleep in a moving vehicle / I am the mom friend / I live by a certain quote / I like the smell of Sharpies / I am involved in extracurricular activities/ I enjoy Mexican food / I can drive stick-shift / I have memorized an entire song in a day / I believe in true love / I dream up scenarios to fall asleep / I sing in the shower / I wish I lived in a video game / I have a canopy above my bed / I am multi-racial / I am a redhead / I own at least three dogs

[tinyboxxtink]

Build Me Up Buttercup *PART 7*

Whooo man, I don’t know if this is a longer chapter or not. I had planned on splitting the situations into two separate chapters, but it seemed short so I combined them. 

If you need to catch up!

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

Part 6

Part 8

Tag List: @wanniiieeee

Rafael slammed the door to the men’s room open, terrifying some poor cowboy just trying to use the john. 

“Sorry…” He nodded apologetically to the guy who grumbled some obscenities as he washed his hands and left, leaving Rafael alone to stew.

Why had he just done that?! Why did he have to glance back at your table as soon as you closed your eyes? In that split second, he had locked eyes with Olivia. They were so close it was like they could telepath whole sentences between each other; and the look she had given him in that moment was definitely saying “What the FUCK do you think you’re doing?”. 

Truth be told he really had no idea what he was doing, it all happened so fast. Really, the whole day was a blur. Before today you were just a junior detective to him, albeit a very sexy one. But truthfully you were barely a blip on his radar; you didn’t speak much, and when you did it was usually insulting him or contradicting. How had this one out of town trip completely flipped your relationship through a dryer tumble cycle? First the song in the car, the coffee in the car, the Fahey’s bathroom, and now this. At one point did he start…falling for you? Was he even falling for you? Were you planning this thing all along? Had you been seducing him? No, surely he wasn’t that dumb to just be seduced by a pair of pretty eyes and a tight t-shirt...and a soft soul who’d been through so much at so young…

NO. 

He wasn’t doing this. Not here, not now.

----

“What do you mean, he just left?”  

Once again you had fled to the bathroom, this time to update your BFF on the never ending nightmare that was this day. 

“I mean he LEFT. He mumbled some bullshit about being ‘sorry’ and just….walked away. No I’m sorry, he RAN away.” 

“Well...maybe he got scared?”

“A grown man?” 

“I don’t know from what you’ve said about him, he seems pretty high strung am I right?” 

“That’s putting it lightly…”

“I mean the fact that you even got him on that dance floor sounds like a miracle to me, maybe he just got in his head all of a sudden,” 

“Maybe…”

“Which means….” they paused ominously. 

“Means what?” you asked skeptically. 

“You’ve gotten yourself a def con one situation here, babe,”

“...What?” you were completely lost.

“Everyone knows the rule, Y/N” they kept completely serious.

“Wha-What RULE?” 

“The RULE! Once you have a…’moment’ with someone that gets interrupted, you HAVE to actually kiss them...or bang them but let’s be realistic,” they continued in a very serious tone, despite the fact that they were talking conspiracy theories. 

“Is ANY of that realistic? What happens if you ‘break’ this rule?”

“You have to kiss them in 24 hours or else you’ll just stay friends forever,” They stated like an oracle.

“Do you hear yourself when you talk, or has the crazy just become white noise at this point?” You rolled your eyes.

“Mock all you want, but you remember Duncan and Sarah?” 

“They went on one date and decided to be friends?”

“No no, they went on one date and she got called away before the end of it, thus nixing the good night kiss. And then the next time they ‘went out’, it had been 72 hours and when he went in for the good night kiss, she said they were better AS FRIENDS,” 

“...THAT’S what you're basing this insane rule on? A story about people we barely know?” 

“Well, it was also on Scrubs. Elliot and JD had to go through SO MUCH just because he couldn’t man up in those 24 hours!” They insisted.

“Oh my god, I’m hanging up--”

“WAIT WAIT WAIT, Come on Y/N just hear me out,” They begged. You sighed, putting two fingers across your eyes.

“Alright, let’s hear it,” 

“Look, you can choose to think I’m full of shit, but you gotta ask yourself: Are you willing to chance it?” 

You bit your lip, actually pondering if she could be right. 

“And you better think REAL quick, because your time has already been cut in half,”  they added. 

“NOW what the hell are you talking about?”

“You’re like, on a ‘vacation’ right now. Barba is FINALLY seeing you, like a person. A woman. Someone who’s not up his ass for warrants or bitching about deadlines,”

“I’m not that--” you tried protesting. 

“Shush. No time. You’re in like, another dimension right now. I’ll bet money as SOON as you hit the city line he’s gonna go back to his robot self and remember the fact that you two are completely inappropriate--”

“Oh come on that’s a strong--” you once again tried defending yourself. 

“I’m just saying what he’s gonna reason, babe. You know I’m right,” 

You paced the bathroom now, thinking of all the reasons you and Barba were bad news. 

“....What if he’s already there? What if that’s why he walked off? What if he’s talking himself out of….ANYTHING?”

“THIS IS WHAT I’M SAYING, HELLO You need another ‘moment’, but without everyone staring at you. I’ll bet you anything that’s what got him into his head all of a sudden,” 

Your eyes widened, remembering the front row seats your entire squad had to your little romantic moment. 

“Oh my god you might be right...they were all staring at us,”

“See?? You need to get him alone,” They went on, as you walked out of the bathroom. 

“...Fuck,”

“What? Fuck what? WHAT?!”

“I may have run out of time,”

You saw Barba approaching the booth again, Olivia gesturing wildly. The body language of their conversation did not seem very encouraging. What was worse, Amber walked up and handed them a check. 

“I think we’re leaving, Olivia got the check and she looks like a mad mom bitching out her ten year old for trying to swipe candy,” You groaned, ducking behind a man with a huge cowboy hat and following behind him to a seat at the bar, out of the squad’s eye line. 

“You need more time! You can’t just get in the car and drive back with everybody there, the ‘moment’ will never happen!”

“Okay can you stop with this, I’m already flipping out enough without you stating the obvious,” you twirled your hair and bit your lip.

“....You need to do something to your car.” they suddenly threw that at you like it was a completely reasonable statement. 

“EXCUSE ME?”

“Slash one of your tires!”

“Are you high right now, be honest with me,” You narrowed your eyes.

“Desperate times, babe,”

“Desperate times, not PSYCHOTIC times,”

“Look if you have a flat tire, you’ll have to call AAA and have them come and fix it, that should give you at least an hour. Then you can go back inside, get him ALONE, and get your moment!” They tried reasoning with you. Was that Hurricane THAT strong, or were they actually making some sense?

“...Why am I listening to this?” you kept a straight face, even though it was just a phone call.

“You can act smug all you want baby, but I can hear it in your voice; you’re considering it,” 

“Of course I’m considering it! But it’s...it’s insane. It’s like, ‘Fatal Attraction’ crazy,” 

“Ok I’m not telling you to boil his bunny, just inconvenience yourselves for another hour, drama queen,” you could hear both of you rolling your respective eyes at each other.

“And what’s more insane; puncturing a tire, or giving up something we both know you’ve wanted for MONTHS,” They pointed out. 

“How do you--” You blinked in disbelief. 

“Girl, please. I knew before you did, and I’ve never even met the man,” 

After several more moments of silence, you pulled your keys towards your face. 

“...I’ll call you later,”

Before you could talk yourself out of it, you sprinted outside to the parking lot and back to your car. You pulled the nail file attached to your key ring, and stared at your tires. 

“God forgive me…” You sighed, making a sign of the cross across your chest before kneeling next to your left rear tire.

You dragged the nail file across the tire, it barely made a scratch. Panic began filling your head, thinking of missing any chance to have Rafael’s lips on yours. Your BFF was right, you probably had a thing for him the moment you met him; even though you hadn’t even dared to let yourself think about it, until this morning. This WAS like an alternate dimension, it was like the rules of the ‘normal’ world were moot. 

The emotions of it all bubbled to a head as you stared at the tire; with a sort of pathetic battle cry, you PLUNGED the nail file into your tire and pulled it HARD across the top. Air came gushing out, the tire deflating in mere seconds. You sat back, the nail file in your hand like a machete, your breath going in and out like you had just run a marathon. Okay, you did go a LITTLE psycho there for a second. 

You barely had time to admire the work, you knew you had to go back inside to make it look like you had been in the bathroom this whole time. 

There was no going back now. 

----

Back inside you weaved in and out of the crowd back towards the bathroom, then made a turn for the booth so it looked like you had come from that direction. You walked up slowly, still hidden in the crowded bar as you heard an exchange between Barba and Oliva.

“...What I’m saying is, don’t start leading her on when you know it’s not going anywhere,” 

“How do you know it’s not going anywhere, Liv?” 

“Barba. Be serious,” 

Oh hell no. Who was she to make that decision? Surely he didn’t think that...did he? 

“HEY, hi,” you spoke up loudly, the entire group jumping at your rather loud greeting. 

“Oh hey Y/N we uh, I got the check. I just went ahead and paid for everybody, and when I say I, I mean Dodd’s,” She smiled, like she hadn’t just insulted the fuck out of you. 

“Oh, yeah? Ready to head home then?” You acted completely oblivious, noticing Rafael was avoiding your eyes.

“Yeah, I’ve got my nanny waiting on me and it’s already...8 o clock?!” Olivia gasped, looking at her phone. 

“Good lord, how long have we been here? I better call my sitter,” Amanda grabbed her own phone out of her bag as the group walked out.

“Well, we were driving for a good 45 minutes outside of Hartford before Rafael made us stop here,” 

“Wait, what?” You now for the very first time, took a good long look at the parking lot. The bar was next to a motel on one side, a gas station on the other side next to it. And then field, across from it. And for miles. 

You were literally in the middle of nowhere. 

“Oh god…” you muttered, mentally yelling obscenities at your BFF and yourself for listening to their bat shit logic. Fin glanced at you quizzically, overhearing your ranting-- and then you heard Sonny’s voice.

“Is that….?” 

You saw him gesture towards your back wheel. FUCK.

“Oh my god, are you serious?? A Flat tire?!” Amanda slammed her phone against your car. 

“Barba must have driven across a nail, or glass, or something in the parking lot. Probably a broken beer bottle if we’re being honest,” Sonny scoffed looking at the less than stellar cars in the parking lot. 

“Hey it’s not Barba’s fault!” You snapped defensively, once again mentally face palming. THINK before speaking. 

“I mean it’s...it’s nobody’s fault, right? I mean, maybe the road people? Or, drunk hicks? Certainly no one here in this vicinity though, I mean obviously,” Nope, still couldn’t stop talking. 

Olivia’s eyes narrowed, looking from you to Barba, who was staring at the pavement silently. She started to say something, but realized she had no concrete evidence to start throwing accusations. 

“She’s right Liv, it was just a stupid accident,” Fin chimed in, patting Olivia’s shoulder. 

“Do you at least have AAA?” Olivia asked you, still suspicious of the sudden turn of events.

“Oh yeah, I’ve...I’ve never used it before though,” You dug into your wallet and pulled out a worn out AAA card. Olivia took it and started dialing the number into her phone. 

You took this moment to start your mission, despite the fact that your plan was quickly running off the rails.

“Can we…?” You motioned sideways, Barba nodded and moved to the side with you. 

“Look, Y/N. The whole dance thing it was, cute. Flattering.”

“Flattering?” you scoffed. Seriously?

“But, I mean you know we’re in front of the whole squad, and we’re working,” His words cut you like knives. Was he actually implying that whole was embarrassing?

“ ..And I just don’t think--”

“ARE YOU SERIOUS?” Olivia’s booming voice snapped you both out of the conversation. 

“Yeah, well-- thanks a lot,” she scoffed, tossing your card as she hung up the phone.

“Hey I might--” you walked back over to her, her red hot eyes meeting yours. 

“You don’t have AAA out here,” she spoke directly to you, the annoyance of her voice turning to anger.

“W-What do you mean they don’t--”

“I mean, Y/N-- your AAA card is for NEW YORK, and we’re still in CONNECTICUT,” 

“Liv seriously will you knock it off? Leave her alone, she didn’t know,” Barba finally spoke up in defense of you, putting space between you and Olivia. 

“I’m...I’m sorry, Y/N. I know it’s not your fault,” she apologized, not knowing it was indeed your fault. 

“What am I gonna tell Lucy? We’re going to be stuck here until morning,” She sighed. 

“Morning?” Amanda exclaimed angrily. “What about my Jesse?” 

“I’m sure Lucy will watch her at my place with Noah, Amanda. I’ll call her right now,” Olivia assured her, the two of them walking off to the side.

You started running your hands through your hair and pacing like mad, trying not to hyperventilate. This wasn’t supposed to happen!! This was supposed to be a MINOR inconvenience, not a crisis! WHY did you listen to your BFF? 

“Hey, are you ok?” Barba came up behind you and put both hands on your shoulders. 

“Come on Y/N you know that’s not what I--” he protested but you wouldn’t hear it.

“Why do you care all of a sudden? Didn’t I embarrass you in front of your colleagues?” You snapped your head around, glaring at him.

“Can we please just forget it, PLEASE? I am already getting my karmic ass kicked, I don’t need you lecturing me on top of it,” You started walking towards the door of the bar. 

“What? I’m not lecturing you I don’t--” He trailed behind you.

“EXACTLY,” You spun back around, planting your feet as you stared directly into his eyes. He stopped suddenly almost on top of you, surprised by your sudden stop; his puppy dog eyes were begging you to forgive him. 

“Exactly. You don’t want to, I get it counselor. I get it. I should have never--” you feigned tears welling up in your throat.

“Carino--” he went for your hand. 

“Don’t. Just-- I’m sorry. For all of this,” You snapped your hand back and ran back inside the bar, noticing Barba following right behind you. Your fake tear filled face now slid into a sly smirk. 

You were getting this moment come hell or high water now. 

[nolongerwrites]

Hellooo! I really loved the one with the drunk reader who doesent regonize the boys, can i please have the same headcannons for atsushi, akutagawa, mori and fukuzawa? (I hope 4 charackters are not to much) I looove your writting so much and I hope you are doing good!

Oh thank you so so much for reading! I’m struggling a lot right now but I’m trying to get back on my feet and pick up my writing again! I hope your doing well anon and I’m sorry this took so long 💕💕

Akutagawa, Atsushi, Fukuzawa, and Mori with a drunk F!reader

Akutagawa

꧂ poor aku left you alone with chuuya for 10 minutes. ONLY 10 WHOLE MINUTES and he came back to a drunk Y/N.

꧂ Chuuya had only offered you a glass of wine with him, that then turned into a game of seeing who could drink the most in under a few minutes. So in reality akutagawa came back to a drunk Y/N and a drunk chuuya

꧂ you were giggling uncontrollably, even spilling wine all over the place. Aku decided that was enough and you needed to go home before you start throwing up everywhere like you usually did

꧂ he placed a hand on your shoulder and took the glass out of your hand, “I swear you act like a child everytime I leave you two alone-“

꧂ “whooo the hell do you think you arrre? Give me that back you ass your not mmmmy boyfriend”

꧂ he twisted his head and confusion. You two had been together for 3 years already and you never mentioned anything about breaking up. So that meant that you were so drunk off your ass that you couldn’t even recognize your own Boyfriend. I mean yeah he didn’t have his coat on but that shouldn’t make him any less recognizable. He was gonna speak up until your blabbering interrupted him again

꧂ “I have a boyfriend thank you very much! He’s a lot more intimidatinnnnng than you and he’s much more handsome. He acts all hard and mighty but on the inside he’s such a little baby” you slurred. And then chuuya’s drunk self chimed in

꧂ “yeah fuck off you skinny asshole, I’m here to make sure she’s gonna be okay.. she’s not some kind of two faced bitch” he yelled. As you shouted a ‘yeah’ really loud, akutagawa slipped on his coat as quietly as he could before coming back into your view

꧂ both you and chuuya lit up instantly and laughed. “aku my love!!! Have a drink with us!!” You happily shouted before handing him a glass. He pinched the bridge of his nose before setting it back down on the table and taking your hand in his “no. Y/N you’ve had enough for tonight. I can’t even leave you alone with these fools without you getting yourself in trouble-“

꧂ “heeey your not my dad let me liiiive. Aku no I’m not going. Leave me alone! I said nnnnNNO”

꧂ in the end he had to use rashoumon to restrain you until you got home safely

Atsushi

꧂ it was at a party the ADA decided to throw in celebration for your birthday where Dazai decided to share too many shots with you

꧂ so everyone dressed nicely. Suits, party dresses, etc. Atsushi has come back from bringing you your gifts when he noticed your face was flushed and you were kind of swaying in your chair. Dazai mimicking the same actions next to you

꧂ Atsushi knee that you were definitely drunk but he wasn’t going to tell you anything since it was your birthday. He smiled and walked over to give you your gift and you instantly went into defense mode

꧂ “who are you and what are youuu doing here? What’s that? Is this annnnn attack on the ADA?? Try me BITCH!!!”

꧂ Atsushi started to freak out. We’re you talking to him??? Everyone else looked around in confusion as you started throwing sloppy punches and kicks at Atsushi. Dazai, being just as drunk as you were, joined in. So now you both were stumbling around giggling and ‘fighting’

꧂ “back off bitch I’ll get my boyfriend! He’s gonna beat your ass because he’s stronnng”

꧂ “Y/N I am your boyfriend! I’m Atsushi?!”

꧂ “your not my Atsushi, my Atsushi is handsome and loving and he would never try and hurt the ADA unnnlike you! You white haired son of a bitch”

꧂ Atsushi sighed as he continued to dodge your punches. Everyone thought it was pretty amusing so they didn’t bother stepping in to try and stop either you or Dazai. That’s when Dazai has snuck around Atsushi and grabbed him underneath his arms and held him in place “got him Y/N!!”

꧂ somehow Atsushi managed to escape from Dazai’s grasp and dart out of the room before either of you could activate your abilities. He came back 30 minutes later in his regular cloths hoping that maybe you’d recognize him now

꧂ “Atsushi honey be carefuuuull some asshole was trying to attack us, but don’t worry I’ll protect you,” you said before enveloping you in a big hug and patting his head.

꧂ everyone in the ADA snickered and atsushi promised to keep a better eye on you when you decided to drink.

Fukuzawa

꧂ This was at a party the ADA threw after the fight with the guild

꧂everyone was in formal wear, even fukuzawa who chose to match your flows olive green dress. He instead wore a suit instead of his signature Yukata and you wore a floor length dress with a sheer Shaw over your shoulders

꧂ you are a grown woman, he shouldn’t have to tell you that maybe 4 bottles of sake was too much for you to handle. Yet here you are about to start your fifth one with ranpo before fukuzawa snatched it out of your hand

꧂ “Y/N I don’t need you getting yourself sick or having me clean up your vomit in about an hour, that’s enough for you tonight”

꧂ you turned around and faced him with the most terrifying glare anyone had ever seen. The anger practically radiated off your body in massive waves that it even scared ranpo a little

꧂ “who the fuck are you? And who gave you the right to talk to me like that??”

꧂ ranpo even started sweating a little. He basically viewed both you and your husband as parental figures so he knew how scary you could be when you unleashed your wrath

꧂ fukuzawa pinched the bridge of his nose, knowing damn well you were going to make a scene

꧂ “DONT make me get my husband, actually you know what? I don’t need to get him. I’ll fucking take you down myself you motherfucker,” you said through gritted teeth

꧂ “Y/N please sit down-“

꧂ “how do you know my name? Who are you..? Are you here to hurt my husband like that other asshole? Try me bitch, I’ll protect him evennnn if it kills me! Ranpo darling help me please”

꧂ ranpo didn’t help you. In the end all you managed to do was land a sloppy punch to fukuzawas shoulder before he literally threw you over his shoulder and carried you out of the room

꧂ you protested and shouted, making everyone else in the room laugh at your drunken state

꧂ you managed to further embarrass yourself when you threw up on fukuzawas back-

꧂ long story short- anytime the ADA threw parties you were not aloud to have a single drop of alcohol unless fukuzawa was by your side

Mori

꧂ you loved drinking with mori. You loved tasting many fine and expensive wines and mixed drinks with him like it was a hobby. So he wasn’t exactly surprised when he found you trying to shove large gulps of wine down chuuyas throat when he came back from shopping with Elise

꧂ so he was wearing simple clothing and Elise stood next to him in her brand new sparky dress

꧂ “boss please help I think she’s trying to kill me-“

꧂ “Elise sweetheaaaaart you look so adorable in your dress!! Who is that man next to you? Is he trying to hurt you?!?”

꧂ you quickly stumbled over to Elise and picked her up, holding her protectively to your side, “who are you? Where’s mori??”

꧂ all while this was happening chuuya was in the back gasping for air on the floor and mori watched the scene in front of him play out. You were drunk, chuuya was probably over exaggerating, Elise had the biggest shit eating grin on her face, and you currently didn’t understand that your husband was standing right in front of you

꧂ “Elise honey I’ll protect you, I won’t let this bad man hurt you anymore,” you said as you hugged her to your chest tightly “I’ll make sure no one ever lays a finger on you again!”

꧂ “Y/N darling it’s me-“

꧂ “back off you imposter!! I’ll make sure you have a slow painful death when my husband gets here” you shouted before taking off down the hallway with Elise still in your arms. Elise turned and stuck her tongue out at mori before she disappeared into the darkness

꧂ mori found you passed out on the couch back at your shared home. How you managed to get home by yourself heavily intoxicated amazed and confused him for days but he still made sure you didn’t hurt yourself. You apologized to him before hurling up the contents of your stomach on the floor

꧂ when he told you about your little incident the next day you told him that you’d never drink again. And that you’d apologize to chuuya when you saw him next

꧂ well that promise went right out the window, because not even 5 hours later you were drunk again running around the port mafia base with Elise as mori watched through the cameras

[hatsukeii]

hey! can i request some headcanons about how tsukki, kuroo, and kageyama would act if they had a really short s/o. i’m vv short and i feel like some headcanons about them teasing their short s/o is bound to have me laughing :)

Tysm for the request ahsgjs😳💕

Under 5’5 gang wya😔✌️

Btw these are for fem s/o because I don’t know how to write male s/o, sorry🥺

I mean you can totally imagine it as a male s/o those, it’s only bc I made a period joke that I say it’s for fem s/o:)

Tiny bit of thought up headcanon for the boys too, just a tiny bit.

Btw imagine their partner as one of the managers for the volleyball team, gives me more ideas to work with haha:DD

(Slight angst that I made up for Tsukki because no one knows where the fuck his dad is and I love him so much oh my god-)

🌊Kageyama🌊

- “Aww look at you cutie.”

- “Hey, smack that dumbass for me. I’m too tall to.”

- “Is that a dress for you?”

- Actually doesn’t constantly remind you of how short you are.

- Knows how genes work and understands there was almost nothing you could do to prevent being short.

- Doesn’t mean he won’t occasionally tease you for it though.

- “Oh? You want some milk? Is it to grow taller? Your bones probably need it. Here, have as much as you want-” *Smack.

- Thinks you look adorable when you’re mad.

- “You really expect me to feel threatened when you look like Kirby?”

- Piggyback rides all the time.

- “Tobio, I’m tired.”

- “Hop on.”

- You once slept over at his because of a storm after his volleyball training, without your parents knowing because they were on vacation.

- It was really late at night, and Kageyama didn’t want you going home yourself.

- This meant you didn’t have any clothes.

- I mean yeah you brought extra shorts to school because of your time of the month, but you didn’t have a shirt.

- “You can borrow mine, don’t worry. Go clean yourself up.”

- You came out of his bathroom, and he almost passed out.

- “Wh-why arent you wearing any pan-”

- “I’m wearing shorts under this. Your shirt’s just really long.”

- He was so flustered he avoided looking anywhere under your torso for an hour.

- “Thanks for letting me stay over last week, here’s your shirt back.”

- “Keep it. It looks cute on you and I get to see you wear a makeshift dress.”

- Cuddle sessions are great.

- You can lie on him in any position, and he would still be able to reach out and grab your hand or play with your hair.

- He gets to be the big spoon, and he loves it.

- Protecting you is Kageyama’s new duty.

- He takes it a bit too seriously.

- He once threw Tsukishima into a wall because the middle blocker decided it would be a good idea to take your phone and go through it.

- “Do that one more time, and I’ll do something way worse than that.”

- He looked like he was about to go on a killing spree.

- Even Tsukishima was taken aback. He hasn’t messed with you since.

- Whenever Hinata does something stupid, you’re on smack duty.

- Apparently Kageyama’s “too tall” to do it.

- It’s a bit hard for you to give him forehead kisses, or cute little cheek pecks.

- But he doesn’t mind at all.

- Because he fell in love with your short cutie pie kirby chipmunk tiny ass, and he wouldn’t change anything about you.

♠️Kuroo♠️

- Makes fun of you like at least 3 times a day about your height.

- “How’s it feel like to be like shrimpy over there?”

- “Oh, sorry, I can’t hear you whining from down there.”

- “I’d totally let you kill me, provided you can reach my neck.”

- Knows not to make you mad though.

- Last time he decided to tease you by holding the coffee you brought to school above his head.

- You pounced onto his back and choked him with your arms until he gave you the cold brew you got from Starbucks.

- Being his short girlfriend had its advantages though.

- Kuroo, being the extra™️ boy he is, can pick your tiny body up with ease.

- Meaning whenever he hugged you, he’d pick you up and spin you around like in a broadway musical.

- After that, he would continue to hold you up and nuzzle your head into his neck while laughing about that grand gesture.

- Loves it when you wrap your legs around him while he gives you piggyback rides.

- You once fell asleep on his back.

- So he brought you home and carried you up to your room in a bridal carry.

- Likes to play with your hair while waiting for the bus with you.

- Also like to hoist you over his shoulder when you get annoyed just for shits and giggles.

- Likes to give you nose kisses. A lot.

- He knows you’re tiny, but that doesn’t mean he thinks you’re weak.

- He knows fully well your fiery ass will stick up for yourself, so he’s not super pressed about it when people make fun of your height.

- However he will get protective if he’s thinks you’re starting to get offended by the comments.

- Likes to compare you to Kenma, much to his annoyance.

- “I am nowhere near as short as your girlfriend Kuroo fuck off.”

- Likes to go on trampoline park dates.

- Wants to see how high you can jump. (Spoiler alert: pretty fucking high.)

- Tries his best to get onto the wall every time you guys go there, but always fails.

- You just sit on top of the wall staring back down at him, enjoying the temporary height you have.

- “Kuroo, how’s the weather down there?”

- “Screw you!”

- Laughs his ass off at your random outbursts in the morning when you haven’t finished your coffee.

- Holds your head back when you try and punch him.

- Secretly wants to see you mad, because you look so fucking cute.

- Compares you to fluffy things like marshmallows and chipmunks.

- “You look like a baby squirrel, I love you.”

- And whenever he says that, he means it.

- He would take your short ass over anyone anyday. No questions asked.

🌙Tsukishima🌙

- *Breathes in deeply* Here we go.

- Will not stop fucking making fun of your height.

- I repeat: Will NOT.

- “Hey shorty.”

- “You can’t fight me. You can’t even reach my shoulders.”

- Balances his stuff on your head when he’s going through his bag.

- Uses your head like an armrest.

- He once balanced his water bottle on your head, and you spilled the water all over him.

- You were laughing your ass off at how pissed he was.

- No one in your classes knows how you two ended up together.

- It doesn’t matter at all though.

- Your first kiss was awkward, to say the least.

- He has to bend down a whole ass 20-30 centimetres to reach you.

- Couldn’t be happier when it happened though.

- The entire Karasuno volleyball team was watching secretly.

- From then on, you two have been the power couple of the school.

- You guys didn’t seem like a couple though.

- You two playfully banter so much other students that didn’t know you guys thought you were enemies.

- Now onto the advantages of being Tsukishima’s short partner.

- One thing Tsukishima is great at, is being a bodyguard.

- Anyone else that makes fun of your height will be destroyed.

- He once blocked a ball and aimed it at Lev’s face during the training camp because the Russian told you you were “too short to be Tsukishima’s girlfriend” and that there was “no way you guys are dating.”

- It took half an hour to stop his nose from bleeding.

- No he didn’t break Lev’s nose, just made it bleed.

- Thinks you’re the absolute best at cuddling with him.

- Made you a dinosaur plush. Made. Not bought.

- Watching dinosaur documentaries curled up on Tsukishima’s chest while he strokes your hair and gives you forehead kisses is the best feeling in the world.

- When times call for it though you don’t hesitate to give the blond affection even if you’re a small bean that has to be protected.

- There was this one time before the match against Shiratorizawa, where Tsukishima had a huge anxiety attack in the middle of the night. Like 2am in the middle of the night.

- “Hey- Love are you okay?”

- “Plea-please, help, I’m- please, there’s no one home I need someone-”

- “I’ll be right here, give me five minutes.”

- With both your parents gone for a very long business trip, you basically zoomed to Tsukishima’s house. His brother was in his university dorm for the night because of early morning training the next day.

- Being the bad bitch you were you picked the lock to his house and swung open the door to him room, to see his tall figure curled up in the corner of his room on the floor, shaking, strained sobs coming out of his mouth.

- You kneeled down next to him, burying his head in your sweater, cradling his head while he sobbed.

- “My dad... he’s dead. Fucking dead. I was waiting for him to come back from Tokyo but then mom fucking called and he got hit by some drunk hunk of shit and now I don’t know what the fuck I can do-“

- “Oh shit... it’s okay, cry it out, it’s fine, shhh...”

- This went on for about half an hour. Just you, letting him whimper and sob into your sweater while you whispered sweet nothings into his ear.

- It was that night, that he realised he had fallen in love with your pipsqueak ass.

Whooo Jesus got a bit carried away there, I don’t care though, I like writing angst anyways lmao I’m keeping that in and using it for fanfictions someday;)

[we-rate-tmnt]

I request: Leonardo. Please and thank you 🙏.

Idk if everyone loves Leo or if my header and avatar just remind everyone about this amazing blue boy. (This one’s super silly btw. I’m just sillier as time goes on. Character development I guess?) 

The iconic leador Leonardo (1987)

Bro idk why but I loved this Leo. I have a tiny memory, especially with this version but I clearly remember that I thought he was the funniest and the coolest. I mean, he had swords, what was I supposed to do as a 7-year-old. NOT like him??? Anyway, while Raph was the best at insult comedy, I think Leo had the best puns and punchlines. I really like how nonchalant this Leo is compared to his iterations, going along with really silly ideas and having fun along the way. But because of this, his leadership is a little forced at times, he seems like such a chill and fun dude that when he gets serious, I have to squint and ask ‘are you Leo? Or were you just putting on act a moment ago?’ Or my perception is entirely warped over time. Either way, good turtle boy, could have used some work tho. 5.7/10

Here comes grumpy lad wooo this is all read very monotone btw Fearless Leader (2003)

What. What the fuck happened. I was actually so confused when Leo turned really angry and serious and almost manic. I thought that episode when he popped into Casey’s window and was like ‘Hey bitch lets go beat the shit out of some lowlifes’ I was WOAH THERE BUDDY BACK UP BACK UP BACK TF UP. It was so sudden to me and when it was finally explained, it made some sense??? Like yeah, character development is great an’ all but this ain’t it chief. I can’t imagine what it was like having to wait for these episodes to release one at a time. Bc I watched every episode back to back on Youtube and I was genuinely bamboozled. But when you have an experience like that where guilt is weighing down on you from a situation you couldn’t control, it would’ve been HELLA HELPFUL to have at least a flashback, like a line saying ‘I was so useless!’ at BARE MINIMUM. Like right after Shredder is booted off to Planet Zula, Donnie would notice that Leo didn’t seem all that happy and would ask why and Leo would get upset and yell at Donnie saying that ‘You wouldn’t understand’, ‘You don’t know how I felt, how I feel because of that’, etc. Like you don’t even have to say he felt guilty or helpless, just give us something to grab onto. We’re merely six-year-olds who thought they could climb the YMCA rock wall in easy mode but instead the script riders harnessed us up on the hard one and wouldn’t let us come down until we rang the little bell at the top. I think that is the only problem I had with his Leo. The sudden change of calm and decisive to angry and irrational was so jarring that it felt unnatural without that crucial context. If you want a surprise reveal, at least hint at the reveal (like just about every Disney movie with their ‘twist’ villains) not wait until the very last moment. I think this might be my least favorite Leo and I think the season where he stood out the most and seemed the strongest was Fast Forward (Which was GOOD FIGHT ME), especially in scenes with Dark Leo, his clone. He sees so much of himself in Dark Leo but he also sees something he had once grasped (AKA the poorly written character arc, I CANNOT stress how bad I thought it was). Although, I honestly think he’s a really good character and he’s a pretty neat guy. However, this score is entirely held up by Fast Forward and his connection with Usagi, sword bros to the end of time. 3/10 (2 for FF and 1 for Usagi)

And now a Leo that makes me genuinely feel UWU Leo (2012)

I cannot stress how much I like this guy! Like his design is so appealing, his dedication, his obsession with Space Heroes, like I FUCKING LOVE IT. And everyone knows, that shit with Karai, at first when they didn’t realize they were related, I can let slide but kajsdflksadf what even like why did the writers feel the need to add in more ‘love interest’ implications like yuck yuck yuck. The only two interactions with Leo and Karai that I really like are when Leo defeats her using the healing hands technique and when Leo has a goth/emo/punk/idk I’m new here phase and they team up and EXPLOSIONS. He was introduced to us as being incredibly naive and his idea of leadership is from some old cartoon that’s basically star trek but ethically questionable. After his fights in season 1, to the finale with the technodrome, you can see his growth. He’s able to formulate plans and make life or death decisions. BUT WAIT THERE’S MORE. When Leo got hurt, I felt like the oof sound effect mixed with some tears I normally shed at some Shojo manga bs. While the episodes following were super weird, it was a nice way to help Leo recover, not only physically but spiritually (Although I don’t remember the spirit arc at all except the epic Raph vs Fishface fight, so we’re skipping that). When Master Splinter really died, you could tell there was a huge impact on Leo, but he had to remain stoic and lead the family now. A lot of heartbreaking moments in this series came from Leo and I’m glad they took at least some thought into developing him. Tiny head Leo will haunt my nightmares, but the giggly fanboy will warm my heart constantly. 6/10

I only have one word for this Leo (Heroes in a Half Shell: Blast to the Past)

This is a super crazy bad idea accent on the super crazy bad part have I mentioned it’s also a really terrible idea/10

Okay, spoiler alert, didn’t really think this Leo was that grand Leo (2014/2016)

Painfully average. He didn’t stand out that much, Raph was part of the focus and had that touching scene at the end, Donnie was ICONIC and Mikey (with his weird-ass eyes) was super lively and funny! Leo? Uh, I don’t remember a single line he said. Because he never really grabbed my attention, I don’t have too much to say on this version. The Raph and Leo fight felt forced and the whole ‘keep this stuff that could turn us human a secret’ was pretty pointless and was added just to cause drama, I don’t even remember what that Splinter and Leo conversation was about. Design-wise, really neat! You can see some more traditional Japanese clothing/style mixed with modern (I’d feel a lot better about this assumption if some could tell exactly what the heck he’s wearing, but I get traditional Japan warrior vibes from it) in his look which was super neat! Other than that, if you like him, please tell me why because I don’t get. He was just kinda eh. 5/10

AHHH MY BOY YASSS WHOOO!! Neon Leon (2018)

Okay, I loved Ben Schwarts already from Parks and Rec but like him being Sonic AND Leo, like DUDE. He’s super funny by himself but teamed up with this shows writing and animation, it makes it hilarious. I literally love this Leo so much, maybe because we’re alike but honestly, he’s amazing. I love his design with the red and yellow crescents accenting his skin and livening up his color pallet. He has a very healthy and natural dynamic with his brothers, he’s the first to know what’s wrong and tries his best to make up for his actions. This is really prominent in the most recent episodes, along with the episode portal jacked. In both, Leo is separated from his brothers. Portal Jacked is in a more literal sense, while Air Turtle handles in more of an emotional sense. While both are brief, Leo sees his error and tries his best to make it up to them. I love his dynamic so much and it’s so nice to see something like this compared to the unnecessary drama and tension between the brothers in the previous series. It’s refreshing and this is something a younger audience needs to see; instead of fighting, it’s better to work together and improve yourself along the way. Improvement is a big theme for Leo here. He’s a goofball, makes jokes at every opportunity and isn’t quite skilled at fighting or using his weapon. But he grows over time, he learns to manage his power and he’s working on mastering it. He’s trying to put aside his narcissism more and focuses on his family. I think the approach they took with him rising to leader rather than slapping it on his forehead was the goddamn best decision they could make. He’s making plans, finding loopholes, helping out and getting out of his comfort zone. I cannot stress how well this show has handled Leo, along with the other characters. I can’t wait to see more episodes about his growth and I am awarding him with one of the greatest honors I could give... 10/10

Storytime: I drew a super cute 2012 Leo, you should look at him. Shameless self-promo, but you should follow me on my main blog bc I’m nice and I draw pretty pictures. Also. I have a little 2012 Leo Happy Meal toy??? I think??? guarding my window and he’s been there for YEARS. I need to bring him in and refresh his paint job.

Wow! I didn’t expect this many requests for Leo, so the blog will be momentarily spammed with the requests, but it shouldn’t be too much! Up next should be the last turtle (Mikey) and then we can get to some REALLY great requests I’m eager to answer. As usual, please comment and reblog! I’d love to hear your opinion!

[fweasleyswhore]

Just because I really wanna know what you'd do for me 😂 I'ma do 💜

Okay, okay, so, I'ma Hufflepuff (whooo)

I haveee 4 sister's and 2 brother's (kill me now)

I am allergic to Cats and Dogs so if I end up single, I can't be a crazy cat lady or a cool dog lady, I have to be a weird fish lady

Aaaand I'm 6'2 (ugh it's so hard to find a tall guy)

omg im learning so much about you lmao

signifigant other: this was a hard pick but I'm going to pair you up with Fred Weasley! One, he's tall whooo, two you are so fucking horny like so fucking horny oh my god and he can match that energy. So not only are you two sexual deviants you provide him with an alibi half the time, many nights you will be sat doing homework in the Hufflepuff common room when Fred burts begging for cover. You ground him a lot, he doesn't think things out and can get tunnel vision and just gets stuck in this endless whirlpool of anxious thoughts and you are able to snap him out of it with an easy sollution. His favorite joke is that you should have been put in Ravenclaw, just for the amount of times you have thought up a simple solition to a problem he was brewing on.

"Fred what are you doing here?" "What do you mean? I've been here this whole time." "Yeah, everyone is gonna beleive you have been doing homework with me when you're dripping with sweat." "We could always say we were doing... other stuff." "Fred!"

best friend: Luna Lovegood! I just feel like it works you know, often times you can be found sat in the courtyard talking with her. Everything that comes out of her mouth going completely over your head but its fun. And two weeks later you will be laying in bed and thinking about what she said and it will suddenly click, something with a whole philosophical meaning and everything and the next time you bring it up to her she has absolutely no clue what you mean.

"Hey Luna, what's on your mind?" "I've found that lately my shoes are never tied, its like I'm always tripping over my laces." "Luna you’re wearing sandals." "Exactly."

ex: Dean Thomas! And you didn’t end on good terms. You are civil now but at the time when you two broke up every room you were in everyone was either scared or amused. Ginny started asking the house elves in the kitchen to make popcorn and placed bets on who would break up with who. You ended up ending things with him, realizing after awhile you just didn’t like him like you used to and you had both become something you didn’t want to be. Last Christmas he gave you a scarf and a long letter explaining his regret on how he handled things. You two are slowly rebuilding your friendship now. 

“Hey, do you want to get some tea sometime? Also I’m sorry.”  “Yes, and Dean you don’t need to apologize every time we talk.” 

first kiss: Ginny Weasley! We are aware she is a bad bitch but one thing we didn’t realize is that she is also extremely adept. She knew Fred liked you far before either of you realized. Fed up with his whining about how Dean was such a horrible person and how ‘no I don’t like her I’m just stating a fact’ she got up, marched over to you, grabbed your face and laid one on you. (You and Dean hadn’t properly kissed, only cheek smooches.)

“Hey Ginny. What’s-” “Ginny get your hands off of her!”  “Gin, what’s was that for.”  “My dear brother Freddie likes you.”  “Don’t be daft.”  “I’m not! Based on the way he’s looking at me right now he is none too pleased I kissed you.” “That doesn’t mean anything.”  “If it doesn’t then how come he cares so much?”

secret admirer: Cedric Diggory! He has been in love with you for yearrrrrrs. But -and no offense Ced- he is a pussy. You two are pretty good friends and he is too tariffed of ruining it (and Fred). Occasionally when he is feeling extra lonesome he slips flowers into your bag when you aren’t looking. You don’t know who they are from, but think the gesture is super cute and assume it’s Fred. 

“Hey there Ced, working on quidditch strats?” “Yeah, the usual.”  “Nerd.”

[xietyflix]

LATE NIGHT CONFESSION |JH

⇢ Pairing: Hoseok x Reader

⇢Genre: Fluff

⇢word count: 1k

⇢ warnings: none

A/N: srry for the lack of updates school is kicking my ass so the best I could do for you children is one shots for right now until I get my shit together :( ————————

You toss and turn in your bed trying to find a comfortable spot in your bed to go into a deep slumber. But you let out a sigh of frustration looking at the clock to see 3:20 am in bold.

Next to the clock was a picture of you getting a piggyback from your favorite person in the world. Hoseok.

You looked at the Photo laughing at the moment of you two at the park.

“Hoseok we need to take a picture to remember this tragic moment.” You said taking out your phone.

“You want to take a picture because I just got dumped by my ex?” He said and I frown a little, but quickly turned it into a smile.

“Yep because I was-“

“You were right, yeah yeah I know. Make me look good.” He said standing up from the ground and walking over to a statue and mocking the pose.

“Yes work it!” You joked, causing Hoseok to burst of laughter. “You're such an idiot. Put it on a timer and get over here.” He said and you put it on a timer and ran over to him.

Without warning you jumped on his back and he let out a squeal which caused you both to burst into laughter, the camera went off and you rested your head on his shoulder and the camera went off once more.

“I want the second one I already know I would like.” He said gently putting you on the ground.

“That’s fine, it’s your day after all.” I said picking up the camera.

“Well in that case, let's get ice cream!” He said dragging you towards the nearest ice cream shop.

You got out of your bed and walked to grab water from the fridge. You walked back to your room with a million thoughts in your mind.

Just tell him how you feel…

You grabbed your phone and opened messages.

You | 3:40 AM

I have something on my mind.

U awake?

Read at 3:44 AM

Hobi☀️| 3:46 AM

I am now, what’s wrong?👀

You stare at your phone surprise that he’s awake.

You | 3:50AM

You should be asleep.

Like now you have work tmr...😬

Read at 3:50 AM

Hobi ☀️ | 3:51AM

I can say the same for you, now what’s in that big head of yours?

You | 3:51AM

My head isn’t big! 😤

I have nothing on my mind… good night tho✌️

Read at 3:52 AM

Hobi ☀️ | 3:52AM

BULLSHIT MISS😤

TELL ME NOWWWW😑😑😑😑

You put your phone on your night stand and put your face into your pillow as your phone buzzed. Knowing he isn’t going to give up you took a peek at your messages

Hobi ☀️ | 3:53AM

Whyyyyyyyy

Please tell me what’s on your minddddd

Is it me? Did I do something wrong?

Did someone hurt you? WHOOO

😐🥺🥺🥺🥺

I’m going to drive over there IF YOU DONT ANSWER..

You | 3:55AM

OMG NO

IM FINE

I JUST…. LIKE...someone…

Hobi ☀️ | 3:56AM

oh…

WHO!

IS IT NAMJOON!

I FUCKING KNEWW IT!

You | 3:56AM

OMG NOOO

NAMJOON IS A BROTHER TO ME.

Hobi ☀️ | 3:56AM

oh…

IS IT YOONGI?

I don’t think Yoongi likes your energy that much…

You | 3:57AM

Ow… 😔

Hobi ☀️ | 3:57AM

Srry :(

Is it any of my close friends?

You | 3:57AM

No…

Hobi ☀️ | 3:58AM

Lol plot twist it’s actually ME 😂😂😂

You | 3:57AM

Plot twist it is🙇‍♀️

You drop your phone on the ground afraid of the confrontation that awaits you.. your phone starts to buzz every second, yet you don’t move an inch to retreat your phone from the ground.

Suddenly the buzz turned rapid signaling that a call which caused you to shove your head into your pillow more.

“I’m a piece of shit.” I mumbled into my pillow… without realizing I fell asleep.

6:30AM

CLINK!

CLINK!

CLINK!

I groaned as the sound continued. “I hate it here.” I mumbled as I picked up my phone.

190 Messages from Hobi☀️

20 missed calls from Hobi☀️

I let out a sigh before I heard another sound hitting my window. I tossed the covers off my body and turned on my light.

“It’s literally too early for this.” I whined rubbing my eyes before opening my window.

Before I could get a good look at what was hitting my window I got hit with something.

“Son of a bitch!” I whispered not wanting to wake up my parents.

I rubbed my head and picked up the object that hit my head.

A Hershey Kisses. “You're joking.” I said standing up to look out my window and see Hoseok with roses and a gift basket.

“Thank god you're alright.” Hoseok sighs looking up at me.

“It’s 6 am, why are you here?” I asked confused on why he’s in my front yard.

“You never gave me a chance to reply to how I feel.” He says grabbing the things from the ground and holding them up to me.

“Hoseok it’s fin-“

“_____ I like you too.” Hoseok confessed and I froze.

“Give me one second.” I said holding up a finger. I walked away from my window and screamed into my pillow. I got up and did a little dance from excitement.

“____?” I hear Hoseok whispers and I run back to the window.

“Yeah?” I said hiding my smile.

“You did your happy dance didn’t you?” He smirked and I shook my head causing him to laugh.

“I want to take you on a date, would you like to go out with me?” He asked and I broke into a smile.

“Give me one second.” I hold up my finger before running lightly down my stairs towards the front door.

I opened the door and fully sprinted towards Hoseok who looked at me surprised.

“Yes I will love to go on a date with you.” I pant tackling him to the ground.

“Jesus you’re such a dork.” He says wrapping his hand around my waste.

“____ are you wearing pants?” He asks and I open my eyes.

“Nope.”

“You’re gonna get itchy from the gra-“

“Hobi don’t ruin the moment.” I said hugging him tighter causing him to laugh and kiss my forehead.

“Whatever you say sweetheart.”

[camillemontespan]

the history of us [drake x camille] [final part: i love him]

Part Thirteen if you want to catch up.

Drake’s Mind Over Matter Magazine Interview

FINAL PART! Ahhhh thank you to everyone who stuck with me throughout this series of angst! I’ve loved all your comments. I’m so glad this resonated with you. 

@jovialyouthmusic @fromthedeskofpaisleybleakmore @pug-bitch @sirbeepsalot @moonlightgem7 @emceesynonymroll @dcbbw @burnsoslow @i-bloody-love-drake-walker @of-course-i-went-to-hartfeld @symonde @notoriouscs @katedrakeohd @emichelle @rainbowsinthestorm @stopforamoment @iplaydrake @gardeningourmet @mrsnazariowalker @be-still-my-aching-heart

**********************************************

Seven months later

'Are you ready?'

Drake broke out of his thoughts and looked down at his wife who had placed her hands on his shoulders. She was smiling and looked so hopeful. Drake smiled back, grateful that she was by his side. 

'As ready as I'll ever be,' he told her.

'If you get nervous, just picture everyone naked,' Camille joked. Drake chuckled and brought her into him, his arms wrapping around her body. 'Forget everyone, I'll just picture you.'

Camille blushed. Drake loved that he still had that effect on her.

'Okay, go,' she ordered. 'We'll be sat in the front row cheering you on.'

Drake grinned and watched her leave. He took a deep breath.

He made his way from the dressing area and found Samantha standing outside waiting for him. 'You ready?' she asked.

Drake nodded.

'You'll be brilliant,' she reassured him. They walked together down the hallway and Drake opened the doors, letting Samantha go first. He was on the side of the stage and he watched as Samantha made her way over to where Camille was sat in front row.

Lily was sat beside Camille, her feet inches off the floor. She was wearing a red satin dress with sparkly black tights and Mary Jane shoes. A little red bow was in her hair. Red was still her favourite colour, thanks to her Aunt Olivia. Olivia was sat on Lily’s other side and she was also wearing red. She had taken a look at her goddaughter’s outfit with approval. ‘I love the red, babe.’

Camille was holding Luna.

Luna was only 4 weeks old. Yet again, they had a baby who resembled Camille with her caramel skin and downy dark hair.  Except for her eyes. Luna had inherited Drake's brown eyes that looked green in the light.

She was a quiet baby who watched everything. Always concentrating, always making sense of the world around her. Drake had a feeling she would grow up to be like him. 

They had named her Luna after the moon, because even in the darkest of nights, if you looked, you would see the silver face of the moon shining down, bringing hope and light; something which Drake had struggled to find months ago. Until now.

Samantha sat down beside Bertrand. Maxwell, Leo and Hana were also there. Drake knew the King was there too. He was up on the mezzanine, not wanting to distract attention away from Drake. This was Drake's moment.

He stood at the podium and the room hushed. It was full of nobles and commoners alike. Drake swallowed and his eyes found Camille's. She smiled at him encouragingly and gave him a wink.

Drake cleared his throat and began to speak.

'If you told me five years ago that this would have been my life, I'd have laughed and continued to drink my whiskey,' he began. 'I never visualised myself having a wife or children. I never even thought I would become a noble. I truly believed that I was destined to spend my life in the shadows at Palace balls, a loner, without happiness. That all changed when I met my wife. She changed the way I thought and I began to think that maybe I could change the course of my future.'

He stopped for a moment to gauge reaction. Everyone was still listening, thank God.

'I got the woman of my dreams and I have two beautiful children. I should have felt like I had made it. But I didn't. I know to many people here, it will sound like I'm ungrateful. That these are first world problems. But seven months ago, I had to admit to myself that I was an alcoholic.'

The room gasped. Drake closed his eyes, bracing himself. He had said it.

'I felt under so much pressure to be a good father, a good husband and a good Duke. I'm well aware that I don't exactly fit expectations for what a Duke should be.. I don't wear fancy clothes, I don't like palace balls, I hate etiquette and I can't stand fancy finger food. I am much better just being outside, camping and making smores with my family. So I began to feel that even with my title, I still didn't fit in.  I felt like a fraud. I wanted myself and Camille to be the most normal Duke and Duchess, but this idea rubbed many people up the wrong way.'

He hadn't lost the audience. They were listening intently.

'I hate the paparazzi. I hated how anytime we went anywhere, we would get hounded. I wanted to keep my family safe and each time they were photographed, I felt helpless. My daughter broke her arm and the paparazzi were camped outside the hospital. I lost my temper which made headlines. I began to feel out of my depth and began to hate my life.'

He focused on Camille. She knew his thoughts but he hadn't exactly expressed them in this sort of way before. But she was smiling softly, supporting him.

'So, I turned to whiskey. I used it to block out thoughts that I wasn't cut out for this life and it numbed me. It's only when my wife and daughter left me that I realised how badly this had gone. So, I decided to fight for them. I am still fighting.’

Drake kept his voice steady even though his heart was hammering from nerves. ‘I have been going to AA meetings and working through personal stuff with my therapist. My wife encourages me to talk to her if I feel overwhelmed, which I’ve been doing.’ He paused. ‘You might wonder why I’m telling you this. There’s a reason, trust me!’

The audience chuckled.

‘Months ago, I felt I had no purpose, that I brought nothing to the table. But by making steps to improve myself and get better, I realised that my problems stemmed from myself. My inner thoughts. My walls were built back up and I lost myself in this dark place. Now, I’m back into the light, but I have learned that there could be many men in Cordonia who are struggling with mental health issues, such as anxiety, depression, hey, alcoholism, every thing else in between. If I, a guy who became a Duke, married the woman of my dreams and had two kids can be struggling, then anyone can. So, I’m talking to you today to introduce my first campaign as the Duke of Valtoria.’

He stepped out from the podium and the screen behind him burst into life. Maxwell had mixed a soundtrack for the presentation while Samantha had given Drake pointers in how to make it look interesting. 

‘Mind Over Matter,’ Drake said, enunciating every word. ‘This is my new campaign for all men in Cordonia. Let’s get rid of toxic masculinity. If you’re struggling, be honest. Talk. Show your demons. Now, I know how difficult it is to talk about feelings and ask for help; I’ve been there. Consider this as me paying it forward to you.’

He began to walk around the stage, getting comfortable. 

‘The campaign will involve myself, my fellow Dukes and the King and you. You. Everyone knows I like getting outside. It’s freeing. So, next month, sign up to join us as we go on a week long adventure trail in the mountains. We will be hiking, kayaking, abseiling. Every outdoor thing you can think of, we will do. The idea is that if you are about to launch yourself off a cliff into a lake, sure, the height is  scary. But you are pushed to just confront your fears and jump. The same idea goes for your emotions. It’s a symbol. Confront your emotions and let go. Mind over matter.’ 

There was a silence. Drake ignored it; he was on a roll now. 

‘While we’re doing all this fun, outdoor stuff, we will be talking. It’s like a free therapy session except instead of being stuck in a room for 60 minutes, you are navigating nature and working together, while talking about the stuff inside your head. Meanwhile, we will be filming our activities and live streaming them online so people can donate to the campaign, which will split money donated to mental health charities.’

He faced the audience. ‘Men like me are too quick to shut down. We build a wall so nobody can see how we feel. We are told that to have feelings is to be weak. You have to be macho all the time. Fuck macho! Honestly, fuck it. I know I love making fires outdoors and hiking and other ‘macho’ things, but one of my favourite things to do is to take part in my daughter’s tea parties because it makes her happy -and myself, actually. That’s not macho!’

Camille grinned, her eyes shining as she listened to her husband. Lily was beaming, her legs swinging as she listened to every word her daddy was saying. She made a mental note to ask him to join her for a tea party when they got home.

‘Sometimes, she makes me wear a plastic tiara on my head because it might be a princess tea party. Do I care? No! Because it’s quality time with my little girl. Seriously, we need to put aside these tired notions that we NEED TO BE MEN AND BE SERIOUS AND STOIC. If you’re feeling vulnerable or sad or depressed, anything at all,  then please, join me on this campaign. I have big plans for it and I would love it if you could join me on this ride. Thank you.’

Camille was the first to stand up. She couldn’t clap because she was holding Luna, but she gave a loud ‘whooo!’

Lily jumped up and down, while Maxwell stood up and shouted, ‘FUCK TOXIC MASCULINITY!’ He turned to highfive Leo who then fist pumped the air.  

Drake bowed then spoke again. ‘You can sign up on our official website which has launched NOW. Let’s get out there.’ 

************************************************************************************

‘I need... to sit down..’ Maxwell panted, stopping to get some breath back. Bertrand turned to survey his brother. ‘Come on, Maxxie! We’re nearly at the top!’

Drake, Maxwell, Bertrand, Liam, Leo and some ten other nobles and fifteen commoners were hiking up the Cordonia Pass. They were dressed in hiking gear with huge backpacks on their backs and each of them was sweating profusely. 

Maxwell had his video camera. He turned it so he could film himself. ‘If I don’t make it back, please leave my estate to the Hippo Sanctuary..’ 

Leo chuckled and took the camera from the ailing Beaumont. ‘Right, guys, let’s keep moving. Drake, how ya doin?’

Drake turned to look at Leo. He looked in his element. ‘I feel exhausted but I’ve got tons of adrenaline. We’re nearly there!’

‘How do you hike like this all the time, Drake?’ Liam asked, panting as they hiked further up. ‘What’s wrong with using a gym?’

‘Because you get good views!’ Drake replied, casting his hand out over Cordonia.

Leo shook his head. ‘You get good views at the gym, buddy. Just think: you’re on the treadmill, you’ve got some gym bunny in tight lycra running on the treadmill in front of you..’

‘You realise we’re livestreaming this and Olivia’s watching, right?’ Drake said dryly.

Leo let out a gasp in mock horror and turned the camera to face him. ‘Olivia, that wasn’t me talking! That was... Bertrand!’

Bertrand kept hiking, his eyes fixed on the ground, concentrating on not slipping, but he still managed to say, ‘As if I would ever look at gym bunnies, I have some decorum..’

The group continued to hike until they finally reached the top. 

‘Ah! Thank God!’ Maxwell shrieked, falling to his knees. 

‘Right, water break. Let’s take in the view,’ Drake said. ‘Rest up, gents.’

They all settled down on the ground, happy to be resting. Drake handed out bottles of water; Maxwell opened his and poured it on his head. They all looked down at Cordonia. The camera was placed outside the circle, filming them. 

‘I feel like we’re on top of the world..’ a commoner, Matthew, said. 

‘Are you guys enjoying the campaign so far?’ Liam asked. 

The group nodded. ‘It’s different,’ a noble, Theo, told him. ‘I never get out and do this sort of thing. I’m always in the palace, trying to look like part of the furniture.’ 

‘You’re all different to how I imagined,’ Matthew said, gesturing to Drake and his core group of friends. ‘I thought you would be all stuck up because you’re noble.’

‘Dude, the day I become stuck up is the day I’m no longer myself,’ Leo said, taking out a sandwich from his bag. He spotted Maxwell eyeing it hungrily and so tore off a piece for him to have. 

‘So, what are your demons?’ another commoner, James, asked. He had the Mind Over Matter brochure in his hands and was reading it seriously. 

‘Oh god, is this when we sit round a circle like the fucking Breakfast Club?’ Theo groaned. 

Drake smirked. ‘It’s what you signed up for. Okay, so obviously, I’m an alcoholic and I’m working every day to fight my addiction and be a better husband and father.’

He gestured to the group. ‘Feel free to be the Breakfast Club.’

‘I feel like I’m only just keeping my head above water,’ James admitted quickly. ‘I work two jobs, have a wife and kid, I’m in a shit ton of debt and I’m always exhausted.’ 

Maxwell turned red and looked down at his hands. ‘That’s actual real people issues. I’m a Beaumont, so anything I say is a problem really isn’t.’ 

‘Maxwell, just because you’re noble doesn’t mean your issues aren’t valid,’ Liam reassured him. James nodded eagerly.  Bertrand was studying his younger brother. ‘Maxxie, be honest.’

Maxwell sighed. ‘I feel like I constantly have to be the joker, the fun one. Since our parents died, I’ve pushed myself to make sure that you’re happy and that means trying to be positive and a ray of eternal fucking sunshine. But sometimes, I don’t want to do that. If I feel upset, I can’t say anything because I don’t want to bring us down. My job is to keep us happy-’

‘Maxwell, that’s not your job,’ Bertrand interrupted. ‘If anything, my job is to look after you and keep you right.’ 

There was a silence. Leo cleared his throat. ‘Eh, sometimes I think marriage would be nice.’

They all turned to stare at Leo, a look of complete bewilderment on their faces.

‘But.. but you are a former manwhore!’ Liam cried, forgetting the camera that was filming them. ‘And you’re with Olivia who hates all that stuff.’

Leo shrugged. ‘So do I normally. But I see Drake with Camille and sometimes I wonder if I should take the leap and just.. ask her.’

‘Oh my God..’ Maxwell breathed. ‘Are you proposing to Olivia on our livestream?’

Leo bolted up to grab the camera, his eyes filled with panic. ‘Fuck, can I like, delete what I said?!’

They all burst out laughing. Leo turned to them, seething. He left the camera on but he sat back down and became uncharacteristically quiet. 

‘Well, since we’re all being a really cringey version of the Breakfast Club right now,’ Liam said, smiling, ‘I guess I should say that as the King, I’m always thinking that I’m not serving my country right. I always wonder if I am cut out for the role.’

‘I think you’re a good king,’ James said. ‘You’re fair and it’s obvious you want to push the country into being more modern.’ 

Liam gave him a grateful smile. ‘Thank you.’

‘I hate wearing sweater vests,’ Bertrand suddenly said. ‘I hate them. I look like a fifty year old librarian, when in reality, I’m in my mid thirties.’ 

‘You do have a Hugh Jackman look about you,’ Maxwell mused. ‘You should play into that. Hugh Jackman doesn’t wear sweater vests.’

‘What would you wear instead?’ Drake asked. ‘And why do you wear them?’

Bertrand sighed. ‘They’re a serious item of clothing, traditional, makes me look the part. I often feel like I’m failing House Beaumont and I don’t want my parents reputation to be destroyed, so I try and act like I’m more serious and professional than I actually am when really..’

They all waited with bated breath. 

‘I have..’ Bertrand said, hesitating. ‘I have.. oh dear God, do I have to say it? Uh, okay, I have... a kimono collection.’ His voice trailed off. 

Their mouths dropped open. ‘WHAT?!’ Maxwell shrieked. ‘I KNEW IT. I knew you were a flamboyant peacock hiding inside the body of a boring pigeon!’

  ************************************************************************************

4th July 2024

I’ve started a new diary! Writing helps me reflect and get my thoughts in order. So without further ado...

Today was the Walker Family 4th July. We’re in Texas, spending the whole summer here. The whole summer. 

Things are different to last year. Last year, we brought our pagers and answered work emails so we could still be the Duke and Duchess. Not this time. We’ve left our work stuff in Valtoria so we can spend four months in Texas just being a family. No worries, no responsibility. Bertrand visits the manor once a week and our publicist, Samantha, is keeping our image afloat. She checks in once a week to ask how we’re enjoying our time off, you know, like a normal person *cough* Madeline, take note *cough*.

Drake is still attending his AA meetings and is making huge strides. On top of that, he is making his campaign Mind Over Matter into a powerhouse; he’s already thinking about starting a foundation. He’s found his feet as the Duke of Valtoria. He finally feels he is doing some good. 

Not that he wasn’t before. He does good when he is also a husband and a father. 

Lily was a little hesitant about Luna at first but Drake sat her down and told her how good it is to have a sibling; someone who is in your corner, someone who is your team mate. As an only child, I can’t impart such wisdom, so Drake took that issue and helped her see that Luna is not replacing her; Lily is still as loved. 

Now, Lily is stuck like glue to her little sister. She always asks if she’s had enough milk or enough sleep. Lily is so caring anyway, it’s beautiful to see her taking to her new role with such vitality. 

Tonight, Drake was as excited as always about the fireworks. He found more M-80s which filled me with dread but as always, he was careful with them while still looking like a child on Christmas morning. He had bought Luna some baby earplugs so the fireworks wouldn’t hurt her hearing and she looked up at the sky in wonder as Drake set off the Catherine Wheels. 

He’s going to make our children 4th July nuts and I couldn’t be happier about that. 

When Lily and Luna were put to bed, we sat out on the jetty together with Drake’s arm around me. ‘I’m so happy you’re still with me,’ he whispered in my ear. I smiled and kissed him. 

I will always be with Drake Walker. He’s my family. He’s mine.

As life goes on, we will go through more hardship, more challenges and more joy; but we will have each other through it all. 

I love him. I love him. I love him.

[the-roanoke-society]

Agent Succubus Origins

Coordinates Loading…

S.O.S signal Agent Whiskey code Roanoke…

“Whiskey?  What’s wrong?”  Ginger’s fingers flew across the keyboard.

“Get!---fucking---”

“Agent, your connection is breaking up I can’t access your feed.”

“I said we need Roanoke!  Are you fucking dumb and deaf?!  Roanoke!  They sent us into a fuckin’ den of bullshit that we aren’t qualified to handle!  I have a goddamn trainee with me, this was supposed to be a raid mission!”

“Understood.  Agent Seraphim and Lycan are on their way.” 

What was supposed to be a simple raid mission of an underground organization selling international intelligence and illegal/exotic goods had taken a nose dive.  Agent Whiskey and his trainee, Jason Bradshaw, who had taken the spot of Agent Tequila were now cornered in the dark compound and didn’t know if their fellow agents were alive or dead after the shit that had gone down.  The only upside being that the only suspect left and who was sending this demonic shit out to them was also trapped in the adjoining room.  The stand-off had lasted hours, both parties exhausted and just as there was a lull in the hell hounds and nightmarish visions the Roanoke agents finally made it in carrying supplies. 

“Sorry we’re late!  I had to bless all of this on the way here and you would not BELIEVE the way Phoenix flies that chopper when it was supposed to be his night off and he gets called in whooo, thought I was gonna die for sure, sweet lord.  But! I have some salt rounds and rope, wasn’t sure what to prepare for!”  Seraphim grinned at the two like they weren’t on the verge of a complete breakdown.

“Thank God y’all are here.  Fuckin’ get us outta here I cain’t-”  Tequila began but was cut off with Whiskey grabbing his shirt collar and giving him a solid punch to the jaw.   

“You gon’ let those fuckin’ weirdos come in here and do YOUR mission, boy?  Stop bein’ a pussy and get in there and fuckin’ take down whatever’s been causing us grief.  You were a rodeo clown, right?  Go get em” Whiskey shoved what Agent Seraphim had called Binding Rope into his hands.

With a shotgun loaded with blessed rock salt rounds the trainee pushed through the grimy door to come face to face with… a girl?  Dark clothing ripped and soiled from the confrontation that had taken place for the past 3 hours, buzzed hair giving off an intimidating vibe.  As she pointed a hand at him and opened her mouth to shout what he figured was another curse, he took the shot.  It caught her square in the chest, sending her to the floor with a strained gasp.  Tequila kicked her over and kneeled down to begin tying her hands together, but as soon as the witch felt her power decrease with the rope she hissed and jerked.

“Unless you want another buckshot of fucking rock salt in the back a your thighs you best stop fidgeting.”  Tequila panted, his knee pressed into the girls neck as she stared at him with wide eyes filled pure rage.

“Fuck you, hunter” She weezed, movements ceasing.

Hunter? “Ya, that’s what I thought.  Fucking witches, this was supposed to be my first goddamn mission, ya know?  And I get stuck rustlin’ a fuckin’ witch.”

He sat back on his heels to catch his breath and gave her ass a tired slap as if she were some fucking pig he had finally caught.  So, really when she was able to twist around and kick him in the face, he deserved it, but that didn’t stop his anger from boiling up again.

“Alright, I was gon’ just let ya walk on outta here with me with some dignity, but fuck that.”  The blood running down his chin from the broken nose dotted the white rope as he bent her legs back and looped the rest of the rope around her ankles, hog tying her.

Even with her chest wound the witch began a raw, ear splitting scream that shook him to his core, like a wild animal at its last few minutes of life.  The bandana from his pocket silenced that after he was finally able to get it around her head.  She had never felt more infuriated or humiliated in her entire life, this fucking cowboy was going to pay when she got out of this rope, she was going to ruin his fucking life.

“Now, I can either carry ya out… or you can keep on bein’ a fuckin’ bitch and I can drag ya.  So, which is, it gonna be sugar?”

 A few moments later Tequila emerged from the room with a witch thrown over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes looking pretty smug despite the blood drying on his face and soaking into his shirt from her rock salt wound.  Whiskey bent down to get a good look at her and whistled.

“Oh, boy she is fuckin’ furious, ain’t she?  I can’t wait to see what Roanoke comes up with ta get rid of you.”

If being carried out of the compound wasn’t embarrassing enough now she found herself being paraded through an agency.  The one everyone referred to as Tequila and or Jason, was getting slaps on the back and congratulations on his first completed mission, usually followed by a comment about what a good “catch” she was.

“Boy, what the hell are you doin?  Put that girl down now.”

The rope was cut and replaced with rune inscribed cuffs as she stood in front of an older gentleman in a cowboy hat and a flawless woman that practically oozed power.  These guys were not hunters, something was going on here.  Monitors behind the two were filled with videos and information about her, including live feed of what had happened during his mission.  The woman spoke to her first.

“My name is Lilith.  You’re in Kentucky at the Statesman Head Quarters and Distillery, also home to the Roanoke Society, have you heard of us?”

She nodded slowly, “Roanoke stopped a pack of weres from getting executed last month in New York.  We couldn’t get there in time so we were thankful.”

“So, you know we aren’t here to hurt you?  Really I’m very impressed with how well your group covered up an underground Cryptid Protection facility by selling Russian secrets and pretending to be a Black Market.  However, I am even more impressed with you…”  She turned to the monitors now.

“Rae Clementine.  Clean record.  Good marks in school.  And these videos, well I must say it does take quite the sorcerer to perform Necromancy.  How did such a small town witch like you end up in a mess like this, hm?”

The witch had only been half listening because her eyes were glued to a corner of the screen where a video that she thought had been scrubbed from the internet was playing on a loop.  Rae, first year of college drenched in kerosene and tied to a tree outside of campus as a frat boy ex-boyfriend kneeled in front of her with a match in her face and his friends stood around watching.  There was no sound, but she could still hear the taunting laughter, feel the thick liquid dripping down her face and suffocating her as she screamed. 

“I wanted to make a difference, protect people no one else thinks of protecting.”

Lilith followed her eyes to the video just as the boy snuffed out the match and left her tied to the tree where she would remain for another five hours until a jogger found her, “It is a pity what men do to things they can’t control…Of course, for your illegal actions we would have to send you to prison, our Siberian location most likely, but Champ and I know potential when we see it.”

Champ gave her a grandfather like smile, “turns out Roanoke could use an agent with your skills.  We’d be happy to offer you a position instead of prison, you’d still need to go through the trainin’ a ‘course, but Lilith says you got a good heart and that’s all I need ta hear.”

“So, what’s it going to be poppet?”

Rae anticipated either a laugh or that they were joking, but as they stayed silent and waited for her to reply she finally realized it was real, this was a chance of a lifetime, a chance to actually make a difference and help the world.

“Yes.  Thank you, yes.  I’ll work off everything I may have caused damage to, I’ll uncurse all the agents I thought were hunters.  Oh shit I broke someone’s fucking nose I need to apologize-”

Needless to say several Statesman agents were none too pleased when they found out that the one who had cursed them all with nightmares and bedwetting was being made an agent.  Tequila in particular felt like he had been cheated out of a trophy for his first mission, but the warm smile and apology she gave sure did help to soothe it.

Two months later Roanoke inducted their newest member, Agent Succubus.  Specializing in gritty, old school Witchcraft with an emphasis on mind manipulation, great for interrogations was what Champ had said. 

Two weeks after that she was getting tied up by Tequila again, only this time it was mutual.   

[iireethgifs-blog]

Bad Boys sentence starters

“ Hey, man where-where-where's your cup holder?”

“ You damn right it's limited. No cup holder, no back seat. Just a shiny dick with two chairs in it. I guess we the balls just draggin' the fuck along.”

“ Hey, freeze bitch! ”

“YOU freeze, bitch!"

"Oh shit, I'm fucked."

"Now back up, put the gun down, and get me a pack of Tropical Fruit Bubblicious."

"We're your new neighbors."

"Until then, until then, you are Mike Lowrey, you be him, that's what you are, you're him."

"You're him, I don't wanna hear it, you're him. And you, you're you, you be you, but not in front of her. You're him, you're you."

"You know you drive almost slow enough to drive Miss Daisy."

"My shit always works sometimes!"

"He steals our shit, kidnaps Julie, shoots at my wife. Oh, we beatin' him down. We beatin' him DOWN!"

"Marcus, I just have one question for ya bro. How the hell you gonna leave my ass at a gun fight to go get the car!"

"You see what happens when you go off without me? You get into shit."

"Oh please, like shit don't happen when you're there."

"Look, now I ain't no Wesley Snipes! I just hang out with stupid ass friends, that drive stupid ass cars, that attract a lot of mother fuckin' attention!"

"You know what, I need to jump over this car and smack you in your peasy ass head that's what I need to do."

"Well, you know what you're arguin' over a mother fuckin' french fry."

"You want some bad enough, come get some!"

"You like that shit? Wesley Snipes, Passenger 57! Now gimme a mother fuckin' handy wipe!"

"Now let's hear one of those jokes, bitch."

"Freeze mother bitches."

"I like it when a woman takes pride in her appearance. Don't you?"

"Yeah, I hate it when a bitch lets herself slide."

“ You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can, and will be used against you in a court of law.”

“ You better do something quick, 'cause we're running out of road.”

“ Please, man. Married life is easy. You only got one woman to satisfy.”

“ Damn, why am I tripping on shit I know is there?”

“ Oh, you-you-you-you da man. Oh you're the fuckin' man tonight! You go and pick an ice-cream truck that's a damn bomb!”

“ If you don't sit your lanky ass down right now, bottom-line, I will knock you the fuck out.”

“ Hey, hey, what's this having-a-picnic shit in my car?”

“ Look man, I ain't getting my sex at home, OK? Don't deny me this.”

“ What are you talking about, man? You sleep with a beautiful woman everyday.”

“ I'm married. That's what married means. It means you sleep together, but you can't get none.”

“ Now that's how you supposed to drive! From now on that's how you drive!”

“ Wassup, motherfucker?”

“ I was, like, gettin' 'em all in before you showed up.”

“ No, no. Put that back in, c'mon put that back in.”

“ Ho, what did I say? Did you hear what I said? I heard what I said 'cause I was standing there when I said it.”

“ You know I'm a better cop when I get some in the morning, I feel lighter on my feet.”

“ This is bad. No, let me call it what is. This is fucked up.”

“ I don't know why you going home to your wife. You got shot in the leg, your dick probably don't even work.”

“ They should just bone and get that shit over with.”

“ Oh, man, that was cold.”

“ Yeah, so was your mama's bed.”

“ Yeah I'll scratch anything you want to you blue-eyed bitch.”

“ What you got an itch? I'd love to scratch it.”

“ Scratch this, okay?”

“ You made me think you were gonna shoot me for a minute.”

“ Yeah we tried to, but you know what? We came up with a problem... your mama snorted it up!”

“ Where were y'all last night?”

“ Hey Jojo, I got 16 bullets in this gun and I swear I'll fill up your brain with some hot shit if you don't give me any answers.”

“ What? You're pulling a gun on me? I should turn you guys into Hard Copy.”

“You want some of this? I'll bust your ass too.”

“ Now that's how you s'pose to drive. From now on, that's how you drive!”

“ What the hell are you doin'?”

“ Oh, I see. You aren't gettin any at home, so you got a lot of extra energy. Go ahead, burn it off.”

“ Jesus. Could you use a smaller gun? You got blood on me again.”

“ King Dingaling.”

“ You know what man? I'm so sick of this bullshit. What, I'm supposed to APOLOGIZE for my family leaving me money? All I EVER wanted to be was a cop. I go out there and take it to the max everyday. I'm the first guy through the door and I'm always the last one to leave the crime scene. So you know what? Fuck you, and fuck them, and fuck EVERYBODY that's got a problem with Mike Lowrey.”

“ I love you, man.”

“ Fuck you Marcus.”

“ I do. You're cool. You're my boy.”

“ Shut up, shut up Marcus. Slow-ass driver. Drivin' like a bitch. Slow-ass.”

“ Why I gotta be all that? I'll take you and me off this fuckin' cliff if you keep fuckin' with me. Then it'll be what, two bitches in the sea. Huh, is that it? Is that what you want?”

“ My wife knows I ain't no bitch. I'm a bad boy.”

“ I blow you!”

“ Blow me? What the fuck? Naw, naw.”

“ Oh, yeah? Well, I'm a stand-up comedian. And I SUCK! That's why I need your car.”

“ Let me tell you how bad a day you're having: right now you're jacking a couple of cops.”

“ Mike. Go downstairs and have a Coke and smile.”

“ And you don't even have your wedding ring on.”

“ Damn. Um. Naw Naw I went undercover. And it uh required the taking off of the ring that's all for a second. But I got the ring, look I just put my hand in my pocket cos that's where it was and its right back on baby.”

“ Damn. Can I get a pillow?”

“ He doesn't talk that way. Try to talk like him, like him! Try to talk sexy. Sexy, you don't talk sexy enough!”

“ Can I help you?”

“ Uh-huh, and that'd be the tall one or the short one?”

“ Oh oh. Don't kiss me, Mike. I don't know where your lips were last night. Move.”

“ Whooo. Did I. Let me tell you, this girl was...”

“ Hey hey. Don't you go telling my boys none of your sleazy sex stories.”

“ Well, I don't want him hearing either. Gives him ideas.”

“ Aw, no. I only tell your husband my sleazy sex stories.”

“ Why are you doing this to me, man? I'm with my babies. Okay? Thank you.”

“ I mean, do you just attract violence?”

“ I'm not understanding, I - I really don't.”

“ Shut up!”

“ Yeah, can I speak to Romeo?”

“ No, there ain't no Romeo here, asshole.”

“ What the fuck are you laughing at?”

“ Hi Julie, what have you been up to the last couple of days?" Oh nothing, just hangin' out, handcuffed to steering wheels.”

“ Watch your fucking mouth.”

“ Badges? Do you want badges motherbitch? I give you badges! 99 cents each.”

“ What are our chances?”

“ Everybody wants to be like Mike.”

“ Do you see the fuckin' emotion I'm goin' through right now? That means this shit is serious. That means me and this motherfucker's not vibin' right now. That's what that shit means.”

“ If you don't sit your lanky ass down right now, bottom-line, I will knock you the fuck out!”

“ We're your new neighbors.”

“ You forgot your boarding pass.”

[salty-dracon]

ace hang plays my darling, a visual novel

DELICIOUS BOYFRIEND! | My Darling Full Playthrough | Ace Hang Plays

Lily: So let me get this straight. It’s a very short visual novel? And it’s... interesting?

Brid: Yeah. 

Val: Okay, so the last visual novel you recommended us was that one with the pigeons. So, if it’s a half hour long game that you liked, it’s probably either really good or terrifying. 

Brid: I guess you’ll never know which one until you start playing it. 

Arthur: Should I.... keep my eyes closed? 

---------

Arthur: Hey everyone, Ace Hang here! I’m Arthur!

Lily: I’m Lily!

Val: I’m Val!

Brid: And I’m Bridget! And we’re playing My Darling, a romantic visual novel game that I found on YouTube last night and thought the guys would enjoy playing!

Lily: You terrify me, lady. 

Val: See, I didn’t know that Hatoful Boyfriend would be like, a borderline horror game until you got me to play it for my channel. 

Arthur: Seriously? I always knew it was a horror game. 

Val: What the fuck? You didn’t tell me? 

Arthur: Brid and I were discussing it the other day, and she told me not to tell you anything about it. 

Val: But our playthrough of Calling Cipher- ugh, whatever. Point is, every time Brid recommends us a game, it’s either really good or a horror game. And with a title like “My Darling”, it’s probably not because it’s good. 

Lily: Um, do I get to roast the anime boys? 

Brid: Please. Do it. Literally half of the reason I picked this one out was for you to roast the anime boys. 

Val: And the other half? 

Brid: .... You don’t need to know that. 

Arthur: Are you going to use someone’s murder plot on us? 

Brid: What the fuck, of course not!

Lily: Okay, you red-haired bitch- NOT YOU BRIDGET- time to destroy your self-esteem. 

Brid: *snort*

Lily: Oh, uh, “What’s your name?”

Val: Okay, we gotta think of something stupid. Like, the level of your Noctis Umbra videos stupid. 

Lily: I mean, My Dude worked well, but like... we need something better. 

Val: Yeah. Uh, how about Bro? Oh, but I’m not sure how well that would work... since we’re probably playing a girl... 

Lily: It can be a gender-neutral bro. Like how I call everyone “dude”? 

Val: Good point, but like, Brid doesn’t want us to ruin the immersion. 

Brid: I say go for it. You could actually pull that one off. I don’t think gender is a big factor in the game.

Lily: Seriously?! We can do the bro stuff?!

Brid: I mean, besides all the pink. 

Val: BRO!

Arthur: BRO!

Lily: BRO!

Brid: BRO!

---------

Arthur: Can I voice him? Val gets to voice all the hot guys. 

Lily: Please, I wanna see your take on him!

Arthur: Okay. Let’s go. “Welcome!” His shading is, uh, interesting. Oh, look at his apron. “Best cook”. I bet he’s a good cook.

Lily: I bet he’s a shit cook.

Brid: “This is Takuya, my partner. We’ve been together for five years and are deeply in love.”

Val: So... not a dating sim? Unless we get to cheat on this guy?

Brid: “In the evening, when I come home from work, he greets me with a smile and hastens to prepare dinner. His words are so sweet.”

Val: I don’t trust him. 

Lily: God, if her internal monologue is just going to be “god he’s so cute” instead of “i love him” or something cute like that, it’s gonna suck. Gotta make it gay, man.

Brid: You want me to do a guy voice?

Lily: Please. 

Brid: *laughing* Okay! *lowered voice* “Good evening, my darling, I see you’re wearing the apron I gave you!”

Lily: TITLE DROP WHOOO

Arthur: “You noticed? Yes, I like it a lot!” Because he’s the best cook! See! It says so!

Brid: “Good. It suits you very well.”

Arthur: “Don’t say that kind of thing, bro!”

Brid: Bro. 

Lily: BROOOOOOOO

Brid: “Sorry, I couldn’t help it, bro. He is so cute.” 

Val: And then, we get into the hentai. 

Arthur: “I’ll take your things and put them away. Why don’t you rest in the living room while I go get dinner?”

Brid: *regular voice* “You’re right. Just let me take my phone. I search my pockets but can’t find it. Takuya has a strange expression. It looks like something is bothering him.”

Val: He stole our phone. 

Lily: Why are you so suspicious of him?!

Brid: “I completely forgot where I put it. It’s annoying, since I’d like to read the news.”

Arthur: “Don’t worry. I got you a newspaper. I know you like reading the news in the evening, so I buy you a newspaper every night! And you know why.”

Val: ... why? 

Lily: Beating up spiders? Garfield style? 

Arthur: “Screens poison couples. They cause addiction and isolation.”

Brid: “Yes, I know. That’s why we have no TV or computer.”

Lily: ... 

Val: ... 

Arthur: ... 

Brid: ... 

Lily: Uh, what the fuck? 

Arthur: Are we in some kind of abusive relationship?

Val: ... Yeah, what the fuck? No phone, no TV, no computer... are we being held hostage?

Lily: Okay, maybe you were right not to trust this guy. 

Arthur: “Anyway, the only person I want to see or talk to is you, Bro.”

Brid: Aw, thanks, bro! 

Arthur: You’re my best bro, bro!

Brid: I love you bro! 

Arthur: I love you too, bro! 

Brid: “You always say sweet words to evade the issue. You’re lucky it works pretty well.”

Arthur: “Stop teasing me!” Okay, like.... I don’t like him. Already. He says sweet words to evade the issue, of no screens, and him probably stealing our phone. 

Val: Seriously, look up Idiot Plot on TVTropes, okay? Because this is an Idiot Plot. 

Lily: Seriously. 

---------

Brid: “I forget a lot of things, because I have amnesia.”

Lily: Amnesia? Okay, this is bullshit-

Brid: I actually looked this one up. It’s called anterograde amnesia. You can’t form new memories. 

Lily: Oh, like Soren Sprocket from AA6!

Brid: Yeah, like him. 

Lily: I knew that was a real thing, I just wasn’t sure what it was called. Still don’t trust this guy. 

Val: Yeah, me neither. 

Arthur: “Here’s your lemonade. Look, I even put a straw in it to make a festive atmosphere. It’s your favorite color.”

Lily: ... wow, that’s, uh... 

Val: I hate this guy. So much. 

Arthur: Like can you imagine how sad her life must be? Goes to work, doesn’t have screens at home, kisses her boyfriend over a straw that’s her favorite color... 

Val: I do not trust this guy. I just can’t.

Brid: “Hey, thanks for staying with me.”

Arthur: “Bro... ”

Brid: Bro, you mean everything to me. Like, no homo, bro, but, I’m so happy you’re here for me. 

Arthur: I love you too, bro. I’m never gonna leave you, because you mean everything to me, bro. 

Lily: Bro. 

Val: BROOOOOO

----------

Lily: Awwww, he’s feeding us now. Beef and potato stew? Licious. 

Brid: Y’know, I don’t understand why couples find it cute to feed each other. It’s like, have you ever tried to feed a baby? Like, they take it all fine till they’re like, 12 months, but once the baby develops teeth-

Val: Oh my god, I used to have to feed my cousins- they were like 4 at the time, and twins- I had to feed them some stew with green peppers, and they’d just knock it out of my hand, even if they wanted it. I got frustrated so easily and then made one of them cry when i shoved the spoon in too hard. You have to be really careful. 

Lily: ... Ouch.

Val: Yeah. Man, I felt so bad after I did that. But feeding kids once they grow teeth in is hard.

Arthur: And yeah, if you’re fed while you have teeth, it’s like... awkward. I don’t know, maybe I’m used to having food randomly shoved into my mouth with a larger bite than I eat. 

Brid: Oh, big mood, I hate it when people try to feed me with a bigger bite than’s usual for me. 

Lily: ... 

Lily: Am I the only one that actually likes being fed? With a spoon? 

Val: ... He’s absolutely feeding us dead bodies. I’m so sure of it. 

Lily: WHERE DID THAT COME FROM?

Val: I DON’T TRUST THIS BITCH HE’S PROBABLY LIKE A CANNIBAL OR SOMETHING

------------

Brid: “I lean against the wall to pick up the towel. Suddenly a part of the wall collapses, revealing a small hole. This part of the wall looks like it was sealed and then painted over.”

Val: DEAD BODY

Lily: ... Yeah probably. 

Arthur: Oh boy. 

Brid: “I peer through the hole, seeing pipes- and among them, a human head, legs, and torso.”

Val: HE CUT UP A BODY

Brid: “A corpse.” Val, look at the art. He did not cut up a body. 

Val: HE KILLED A BODY

Arthur: “Body” implies that it’s already dead. 

Val: HE KILLED A PERSON

Brid: There we go. 

Lily: Wait, so he killed a person? 

Brid: Who’s ‘he’?

Lily: ... Brid, you just said ‘He killed a person’. 

Brid: No, Val said that. 

Val: And you agreed with me. 

Brid: You never specified who ‘he’ was. 

Val: There’s only one other guy in the story. Takuya.

Brid: “He” could be God. 

Val: Does Mr. Shitty Teal Apron look like God to you? 

Arthur: You’re God. 

Val: DAMN RIGHT I’M GOD

Lily: ... Wait, what were we talking about? 

---------

Brid: “I saw a body in the bathroom.”

Arthur: “I think you just had a bad nightmare. Everything will be fine, don’t worry! I’ll take care of it after I do the dishes.”

Brid: “There’s a BODY in the BATHROOM and all you can think about is DISHES?!”

Arthur: “A healthy house begets a healthy mind. We must eliminate all kinds of nuisance to be at peace.” ... I don’t like this guy.

Lily: BOI

Val: HE MURDERED THAT BODY

Lily: DAMN RIGHT HE DID

Arthur: Oh boy. Th-Theories? 

Val: He’s a cannibal. He’s trying to get us to be cannibals too. That or he’s raising us like livestock to eat. Promised Neverland style. 

Lily: Zombie apocalypse. He’s trying to keep us sane. Only uninfected meat is humans. He wants to feed us meat. 

Arthur: ... He’s absolutely going to snap and try to kill us if we say we don’t love him. It’s going to be scary. 

Brid: ... Yeah, it’s fucked up, huh? 

---------

Brid: “I hear some strange sounds downstairs. Why is he cooking at this hour?”

Val: CANNIBALISM

Lily: YEAH

Arthur: TAKUYA DONT EAT PEOPLE

Brid: *stifling a giggle* “The noise sounds like a knife cutting something.”

Val: GUESS THAT BEEF STEW WASNT REALLY BEEF HUH

Lily: I THINK YOU’D KNOW WHAT BEEF TASTES LIKE 

Val: AMNESIA

Lily: GOOD POINT

Brid: “I pause for a moment, worrying he’ll be angry.”

Lily: HE LOCKED US IN A ROOM. FUCK HIM. 

Arthur: I SWEAR HE’LL SHOW UP AND BE COVERED IN BLOOD

Lily: OH GOD

Arthur: It’s like, we walk in, and he’s covered in blood, and he’s like- Naw, bro! I know you see all this blood on my chest, but calm down! It’s just pig blood, see? Was making some fresh pork for you, bro!

Brid: *cracking up* Aww, bro, it’s all over yourself! All over your sexy, manly arms!

Arthur: Yeah, bro. I need to wash this stuff off, but there’s too much and it’s all stuck to my hairy chest, bro!

Brid: I’ll help you, bro! Let’s take a shower together so we can clean it all off, bro! 

Arthur: Sounds awesome, bro! No homo, bro!

----------

Brid: Aaaaand there’s our big bloody boy. 

Lily: Please never say anything remotely like that again. 

Val: Try and explain your way outta this one, you fuck. 

Arthur: “Bro you had to stay in the room! Go back there now!”

Brid: “I push Takuya away and repress the urge to vomit. The air is filled with the disgusting stench of blood. The countertops are covered in red. Several garbage bags lie on the ground, filled with distinctive shapes.”

Val: Is he... not a cannibal?

Lily: Don’t ask me.

Arthur: “This person is a man who hung around you. He was bad, so I took control of things.”

Brid: “You killed a guy!”

Arthur: “I had to!”

Brid: “You’re crazy!”

Lily: As if that weren’t already clear from him throwing out all of our screens. 

Val: Yeah. Wait, didn’t they say she went to work? Doesn’t she get to see screens there?

Brid: “His eyes darken.”

Arthur: “Don’t say things like that. All of it. I did it for you.” Great, creepy eyes now. He’s gonna kill us next. Fuck.

Brid: “I feel a rush of adrenaline as I rush towards the entrance.”

Lily: GRAB A WEAPON!

Val: THAT BITCH HAS A KNIFE

Lily: OH FUCK

Arthur: D-Don’t yell!

Val: LIVING ROOM NOW

Lily: UNDER THE TABLE

Val: HE HAS A KNIFE

Lily: SHE HAS A TABLE

Arthur: “Bro, come here.”

Lily: RUN

Val: YEAHHHHH SHE GOT OUT

Brid: You guys are having way too much fun with this.

Lily: RUN FOR THE DOOR

Val: FUCK HE CAUGHT US- OH GOD HE’S CLOSE

Lily: AAAAAAAA WHY DOES THE GAME DO THAT

Arthur: Are you two okay?!

Val: No. We’re not. We hate this guy.

Lily: With a passion. 

Val: OH FUCK A CROSSROADS. BEDROOM OR BATHROOM

Lily: UHHHH. OH FUCK. BATHROOM. 

Val: Yeah, he’ll lock us in the bedroom!

Lily: GOOOO

(Arthur and Brid click the option while they’re enjoying Lily and Val’s shouting)

Brid: “I pick up a hair dryer.”

Lily: OHHH IS SHE GONNA STRANGLE HIM WITH THE HAIR DRYER?!

Val: FUCK YEAH GIRL

Lily: GO FOR IT BRO!

Val: Or... smack him. That works too, I guess. 

Lily: IN. THE FUCKING. BALLS. BITCH.

Val: TURN DOWN FOR WHAT!!

Brid: “I run out.”

Lily: YEAH RUN BITCH RUN

Val: GET OUT THE WAY!

Lily: YEET OUTTA THERE SIS

Brid: “But something catches my ankle.”

Lily: AWWWWWW

Val: COME ON. FUCKING. YANDERE ASS. FUCKER

---------

Val: Aaaaand now we’re bound and gagged. 

Lily: This guy is the worst. I hate him. 

Brid: Seriously. 

Arthur: “If only things could go back to the way they were... ” he says, covered in blood, still trying to hide the belongings of the dead guy. “we would be so happy.”

Lily: Hate this guy. 

Arthur: “This man ruined everything.” OH MAN, I think he’s actually a yandere. Yeah, that makes him a yandere, right? Killing someone for his one true love? Or maybe he’s a good guy, who knows. Maybe. I don’t know. I think the creepy eyes aren’t, uh... helping his case.

Lily: Yeahhhh.... 

Arthur: “I’m sorry this all happened. It won’t happen again. Just please know that I’d do anything for you.”

Brid: THEN PERISH

Lily: OHHHHHH

Val: THEN PERISH YOU FUCKING CANNIBAL

Arthur: But he’s not even a cannibal... 

Lily: Close enough. 

Brid: “You’re not my boyfriend, you’re a thief!”

Arthur: “Does this mean... that the drug is no longer effective?” THAT SPRITE IS DOWNRIGHT TERRIFYING. OH MY GOD LOOK AT HIS SMILE. I DO- I DO NOT LIKE THAT.

Brid: Yeah, that transition’s a bit scary, huh? 

Arthur: I’m going to have nightmares about that. 

Brid: You don’t have to look at his eyes. 

Lily: So he was drugging us. 

Brid: “In the depths of my memory, I see a man, not Takuya, embracing me tenderly. We went on dates and holidays together... but then I remember that he was the man whose face I saw in the wall.”

Arthur: Damn... That’s... evil. 

Brid: Fuck this guy. “You ruined my life!”

Arthur: “Don’t talk nonsense- it was him! You were happy with me. But he didn’t deserve you. You should be happy for everything I did for you.”

Brid: “You killed my boyfriend and drugged me to make me think I had amnesia!”

Arthur: “The drugs were useful. I cooked them into everything I made for you. It made you think you went to work and came back at night. It was impressive.”

Val: Man, I don’t think I’ve ever been on a drug trip this bad.

Arthur: “We can go back to the way things used to be.”

Brid: “Go fuck yourself, asshole!”

Val: THATS MAH GIRL! YEAH GET EM

Lily: FUCK YEAH! 

Arthur: “Stop talking to me like that. You were much more docile in bed... ”........ Oh my god. What the fuck. That’s so fucked up. 

Val: I want him dead. 

Brid: I’m gonna kill this guy. Seriously, what an asshole, right? 

Val: So let me get this straight. He killed our boyfriend, kidnapped us, drugged us so we thought we were going to work every day and coming home to him, lied to us about being in a relationship for five years and r*ped us while we were out cold. 

Lily: Yeah, guess so. What the fuck, man. 

Val: ... Fuck this guy.

Arthur: I... really want to see this guy get justice hammered. 

Brid: “You’re crazy!”

Arthur: “Yes, I’m crazy! Crazy about you! But don’t you remember? You said you loved me too.”

Brid: “I could never love someone like you!”

Arthur: “You lied to me! Don’t toy with my feelings! This has to stop. I’m going to make sure you stay with me forever!”

Val: He’s gonna kill us. 

Brid: *trying not to laugh* Ohhhh yeah. 

Arthur: “Why didn’t I think of this before! It’s so romantic. They say making love unites bodies but only for a moment... how would you like to be a part of me forever?!”

Lily: Is he gonna do that thing in Black Butler where he’s gonna sew our bodies together?!

Arthur: Oh, GROSS. 

Val: ... That... happened in Black Butler? 

Lily: Yeah, it was a major plot point and everything. Like, the main villain was like, hey, let’s sew Ciel’s parents’ bodies together. To make a perfect human being. Union of male and female, y’know?

Val: ... Wow. Maybe I should watch it. 

Brid: I like that one better than what actually happens here.

Val: Wait, what?

Arthur: “I mean... eating you.”

Val: WAIT I WAS RIGHT ABOUT THE CANNIBALISM?!

Brid: ...

Val: BRID?

Brid: ...

Val: BRID.

Arthur: “Don’t worry, you’ll be happy inside me! I’m happy just thinking about it!”

Val: GETTING CONFIRMATION HE’S A CANNIBAL IS SOMEHOW SO MUCH WORSE THAN JUST SPECULATING ABOUT IT

Brid: “Please don’t do this, I beg of you-”

Val: I HATE THIS BRID

Arthur: “Oh, right. I never made dessert.”

Val: “Bad end: Cannibal Love.” Yeah, okay. So, uh, what the fuck, Bridget? What in the goddamn fuck was this? He ate us! 

Brid: I just really wanted to see your reactions to the cannibalism. 

Lily: You’re a monster. I’m afraid. 

Arthur: I enjoyed it. Sort of. 

Brid: I know. It was just for the reactions. 

Arthur: I will have nightmares, Brid. I hope you know that.

Brid: Takuya the evil cannibal yandere rapist isn’t real and can’t hurt you. 

Arthur: Takuya be like... there. On the title screen. Smiling at us. Only it’s creepier now that we know he’s a yandere. 

Brid: There is a true ending. But, uh, if you don’t want to see it-

Val: How do you get it?

Brid: Hold on, let’s get some water, and then we’ll have to restart the whole game pretty much... 

---------

Brid: Hey everyone, Ace Hang’s back, with some more My Darling, we got some snacks and water, and we’re gonna try for the true ending this time. 

Arthur: I’m not ready. I’m not ready. 

Lily: It’s okay, man. You’ve done great so far. Just a little bit more. 

Val: Yeah. Do it for us. Who wants to kill this bitch.

Arthur: Yeah! Okay, so uh...

Brid: You’re offered one choice at the beginning of the game that’s like, “I love you!“ or “You doubt me?“. We chose “I love you” the first time. If you pick “You doubt me” you get the true ending. Kind of out of place, but hey. And for the other events in the game, like us finding the body in the bathroom, finding Takuya cutting up a dead body, and the big chase scene where we try to run away from the cannibal yandere, are all the same.

Val: Unfortunately.

Brid: Yeah... Anyway, let’s get back into the action. He’s got us tied up on the couch right now.

Arthur: “I asked you if you loved me, and you never gave an answer. I want one now.“

Lily: Kind of a weird spot, yeah.

Arthur: “Despite everything, do you love me?“

Lily: NO

Val: FUCK NO

Brid: ABSOLUTELY NOT

Arthur: YOU HAVE MADE SOME VERY QUESTIONABLE DECISIONS MY GUY

Brid: “I don’t love you. I love the man you killed.”

Arthur: “Shut up about him!“

Brid: He threatens me with his knife.

Arthur: “I stabbed him a hundred times!“

Val: No ya didn’t, ya fuckin’ liar. You stabbed him 99 times. Bitch.

Lily: *dying of laughter*

Brid: “He’s leaning near my face while shouting. I kick him.“

Lily: YEAH GIRL!! WHOOO GET EM

Val: FUCK HIM UP! FUCK HIM UP!

Brid: “I catch the knife in between my fingertips and cut my ties.“

Val: Wait, what?

Val: Wait, wait, hold up. If you caught a butcher knife with your hands, you’d be-

Lily: Listen, if your wrists are bound like this,*holds up hands with wrists together* you could potentially rotate your wrists enough to- see, like that.

Val: No, no. That wouldn’t work. See, your hands would be so tightly bound that-

Brid: What are you guys talking about?

Val: If your hands were bound, could you use a knife to cut your ties?

Brid: BDSM fanfics wouldn’t tell me that one.

Lily: You read BDSM fic?

Brid: You don’t need to know that.

Arthur: What if she cut her legs first, pressed the knife up between her legs, and cut her arms like that?

Val: Great idea, but unrealistic. See, your sneakers aren’t exactly- and especially your bare feet won’t-

Brid: It just happens, okay. Come on, get back to the game. “I see him standing up, quickly grab the keys, and run away.“

Lily: Jesus, how hard did she brain him? If I brained an attacker, I literally would not be able to escape like that.

Val: He fucking deserved it. That’s why.

Arthur: He deserved every ounce.

Brid: “I run out of the house, my breath shaky. I stumble around, scared. There is no one around. Suddenly, I feel a hand on my shoulder-“

Val: STAB HIM

Lily: SHANK THAT HOE

Val: SHANK HIM

Arthur: IT’S PROBABLY JUSTIFIABLE SELF DEFENSE

Brid: “It’s a neighbor and her big dog.“

Lily: Oh thank God. I mean, dog. Oh thank dog.

Arthur: Doggo.

Lily: Okay, so is my zombie apocalypse theory true?

Val: Who has a dog in the apocalypse?!

Lily: “Hey, I was worried about you! Did you move? I saw a stranger enter and leave your house a few times.“

Val: A few times?

Arthur: So basically, he’s only been keeping up the delusion for a few weeks at most.

Val: Why do you say?

Arthur: Groceries. Assuming he had enough money.

Val: ?

Arthur: Beef goes bad in four days usually.

Val: Oh.

Arthur: Potatoes last forever though. And several times means he’s not been there for more than, like, a year.

Val: Oh, well that’s good, at least.

Arthur: I mean, it’s still bad.

Val: Yeah, but like, it’s good that it wasn’t for five years.

Lily: Yeah.

Brid: “Quick, we need to get out of here! He’s coming!“

Lily: “Who’s coming?“

Brid: “The dog starts growling. In the distance a shadow detaches itself from the wall. I recognize him. He’s coming towards us.”

Lily: “What the hell does he want?!“

Brid: “I can’t move. Takuya approaches us with a threatening look.“

Lily: “Stay away or I’ll set my dog on you!“

Val: *ARF*

Arthur: “Bro, come here. We’re going home.“

Brid: “No way, you murderer!“

Lily: Bitch, I’m real close to setting my dog on you!

Val: *ARF ARF ARF*

Lily: How are you doing that?

Val: I’m a man of many talents.

Lily: Sure you weren’t a furry once?

Val: Shut up.

Arthur: “So you hate me? I thought I was doing the right thing... Why don’t you love me? Why can’t you see that I have so much to offer you?“

Lily: Oh, I don’t know, maybe because you kidnapped us and stabbed our boyfriend?!

Val: Mood.

Brid: “How could I love a person like you?!“

Arthur: “I wanted to build you a better life! I saw you crying on a bench once, and I wanted to save you. Every tear you shed stabbed my heart. Come home, and we’ll pick up the pieces together.“

Lily: If Takuya knew what sin was he wouldn’t care.

Brid: “We’re done here.“ “Police sirens ring out. Takuya looks frantically in their direction and then mine before taking off at top speed. The neighbor tries to restrain her dog-“

Val: *ARF*

Brid: “... from running after him. A police car enters the alleyway.“

(screen fades to white)

Arthur: ... Oh, is that it?

Brid: “A year later, I changed the course of my life. I moved away and began making new memories, but this experience will forever remain in the back of my mind. But I could never forget that man. He’s always there in my tainted memories. One day, I received a letter from an anonymous source:“

Brid: “I only ask that you forgive me.“

Val: ...

Arthur: ...

Lily: ...

Brid: ...

Val: YOU CANNIBALIZED US IN THE OTHER ENDING YOU ABSOLUTE FUCK. YOU YANDERE FUCK.

Lily: Is he out of prison?! How’d we get the note?! What the fuck?! What the Cinnamon Toast fuck is going on here?!

Arthur: Why. Would. Anyone. Forgive you?! What, do you want a sequel where you kidnap her a second time?!