#i am the garlic demon

[thecatspasta]

Music that makes you feel like youre having a holy experience vs music that makes you feel like a demon from the abyss is possessing you

[luna-ainsworth]

Being an Asian as I am, I can't help imagining the Dead Boy Detectives Agency learning about Asian supernatural culture if they were to travel to Asia. Each country's belief in the supernatural world varies though, so this is some headcanons based on what I know and not just one specific culture

Ghost repellent: Similar in functionality to a horse shoe in Western culture. There are many objects serving that purpose, such as but not limited to: a paper amulet containing ancient characters (usually written and should be enchanted by a medium with psychic powers (like Crystal) before it can be used), a statue/figurine of a mythical creature, an eight trigrams (bagua) mirror (usually hanged at the entrance of a house), or garlic. Edwin and Charles would be surprised to learn that there are certain mirrors that they just can't hop into.

Crystal is interested in learning how to summon a ghost from the local mediums/exorcists. Ghost summoning in Asia is a difficult ritual which requires the performer to have a strong psychic power in order to control the progress and outcome of the ritual, lest they accidentally summon an evil spirit or demon. However she learns fast and surprises her teachers with her skillful performance.

The team visits Niko's homeland in Japan and have several encounters with the yokais. They also learn about "onmyodo" and the legendary Abe no Seimei.

Food of the living tastes like sand to ghosts, but if the living offer food, drinks and personal belongings via an offering ritual, they will receive a "ghostly copy" of those items and are able to use them normally. Crystal and Niko would perform a few offering rituals for Charles and Edwin so that they can enjoy the local dishes together with the girls as well (of course in the private space of their airbnb because performing it in public will guarantee to get some seriously unwelcoming looks).

[creepsopasta]

Do you have any general dating headcannons about Jack?

If that's too vague then maybe Jack dating someone who knows a lot about the supernatural. Like they're oddly chill about him being a demon and sometimes even give him tips about his diet of something like that.

I HAVE SO MANY DATING HCS FOR JACK I THINK ABOUT HIM ALL THE TIME. I LOVE EYELESS JACK A NORMAL AND SANE AMOUNT

General EJ Dating Hcs

• He doesn’t sleep, or he doesn’t really need to. It creates problems, because he will just sit there and stare at you while you try to sleep. He won’t move or speak or get up. He will just stare. And then he gets hungry after a while so he leaves.

• Absolutely miserable to sleep with if it’s winter. He is so fucking cold. He’s so cold he doesn’t feel hot when summer rolls around. The hoodie and jeans are a year round wardrobe for him. People look at him like he’s more of a freak than usual when they see him wearing heavy jackets in 102 degree weather.

• He smiles so wide. I am of the opinion he has a bunch of fucking teeth so when you make him laugh or smile he grins so big!!!!! He’s a great smiler

• Insufferably sore loser. He hates losing in any facet of life. He goes through multiple stages of grief before he’s just pissed the fuck off and he goes to your room (not even his fucking own he likes yours better) and locks you out and sits there for an indefinite amount of time. He might steal something out of there and you can hear him bitching to himself

• Cooks things with a ridiculous amount of seasonings. He doesn’t fucking care. Let him cook you someone’s livers with lemon pepper and juice and garlic salt and meat tenderizer and spices and nutmeg and chili powder and lime and basil and popcorn salt. The kitchen is fucking insane when he’s in it. But he’s cooking with love and human organs please accept it

• He shows affection in a very odd way. Pulls you in close by your shirt sleeve or jacket strings or belt loops or scarf or whatever. Just wants to feel you close to him sometimes.

• Super flexible. Wants to freak you out. Let him spider walk to your room. He is going to climb on the ceiling in the middle of the night. You can hear his bones. His back bends in ways that are wrong. He’s fucked up

• I think he smells like weed and copper. He’s killed in all of his clothes so they all smell like metal or they’re very stained. And I am a firm believer he smokes weed with Clockwork and Hoodie and sometimes Jeff after a job well done. So he comes home really high and covered in blood sometimes but it’s okay don’t worry about it. It’s cool. He might not even come home until the day after so he can avoid worrying you or you seeing him in that state

• Fucked up tangled hair. Always covers it up with his hood and it’s frizzed up and the ends are split and it’s mangled with blood and there’s miscellaneous substances sticking to it. And he just never puts in the effort to fix it. So he will often just get you to brush it for him and then he’ll get angry that it hurts. And it’s like what the fuck did you expect Jack? But he always greatly appreciates your help

• It’s likely that he gives you his clothes if he doesn’t want them/can’t fit them anymore. I’m not sure how desirable a hoodie that smells of cannabis and blood is tho but if you like it he wants you to have it

• Freakishly Tall. How’s the fuckin weather up there cocksucker? He could lift you all the way up to the goddamn Eiffel Tower. That’s why he has to lean down so his head doesn’t hit most ceilings and shower heads are taller than him so he has to sit down to take baths

• If you weren’t scared of him upon first meeting him (aka he tried to kill you), he would probably think that’s a huge fucking mood killer. “Really? You’re not scared? Kinda killing my vibe here, man… you’re not even gonna scream?”

• He’s downcasted. Dejected. Is he not scary anymore? Is that the problem? Are you just a freak? Do demonic, cannibalistic creatures frequent your room often? What the fuck are you just standing there for?

• He needs to find out what the fuck is wrong you. Which is why he’s going to stay in your house and pace around your kitchen. Stop trying to offer him food and advice on how to wash the blood off his clothes. Stop being yourself!!!!! Get away from him!!!!!!

• So fast forward to now and uh. He would kill for you. Like and subscribe for that

• Evil fucked up creature boyfriend.

[fullofbees]

Obey Me Brothers with an AroAce MC!

I know it's technically July 1st but shhhhhhhhh

CW: None!

»»----------► Reader is Gender Neutral

He would be the most nonchalant about it. When you first come out to him, he lifts his head from the desk, staring at you confused. You sweat, about to overexplain before he interrupts you with a question. 

“Will this affect our relationship as it exists now?”   You shake your head, “Of course not, I’m more than content.”  He nods, returning to the paperwork on his desk, the silence only broken by the scribbles of his pen. You remain in place, now the one staring in confusion.  When he notices you haven’t left, he raises his head, “Everything alright?”  “I’m just shocked. Most people have a few... follow-up questions.”  Lucifer shrugs, “Lust isn’t my department.” 

He would first ask a million questions trying to understand. It’s not that I don’t think Mammon couldn’t understand, I think it’s more that he genuinely does not care what you identify as, but he wants to learn about you so he’s going to pester you about it. So long as you remain his friend, and he gets to retain his bragging rights as your first demon, you’ll always be cool. 

You try to keep up as he drags you down the street.   “Mammon, why do I need to go the casino with you again?”  The demons rolls his eyes like you just asked the most ridiculous question in the world, “Pffft! You’re my lucky charm of course.”   “I am not playing the slots for you!”  You almost ram straight into his back when he abruptly stops.   “Don’t need ya to. I’ll be sure ta win with an ace up my sleeve!”   Now its your turn to roll your eyes, at least so you don’t have to look at his smug face. It’ll only encourage him. 

When you first explain your orientation to Levi, he is excited. You know Levi gets easily flustered when it comes to emotions, but he’s made great strides to let you see his vulnerability, so in the end you decided to show yours too. It still doesn’t mean you were expecting him to start on another anime ramble. 

“That makes so much sense!! I mean in My Whole Life I’ve Been a Cat but A Wizard Recently Made Me Human and Now I Have to Attend High School Where a Pack of Dogs Is Out to Get Me Because I’m The Adopted Daughter of Their Rival Gang Leader, the protagonist never receives a love interest! I totally thought they were retconning the manga when they had her turning down every declaration of love but her being aroace would fit the storyline so much better--” 

Already understands; you don’t even have to explain the terms to him. 

“Wait, you.. Know what I’m talking about?”  The demon glances up at you from his book, “That is what I just said.”  “Wha- from what- how?” You hate blathering incoherently, especially in front of Satan, but his reaction is not what you were expecting.  The demon raises his book so that you can see the cover, “Sherlock Holmes.”  You process the comical nature of this interaction before quipping back, “Yes, I suppose it is elementary.” 

Would probably go overboard in his support. Of course he means well, he’s just excited!! He goes out of his way to stay up-to-date on the tea news of the community; and honestly, he probably finds you the most obscure pride merch. 

“You should let me paint your nails the colors of the flag, hon!”  You stare down at your plain, dry nailbeds. They are definitely overdue some TLC.  “I don’t know if I want to be that on the nose about it...”  “Oh hush, I’ve never disappointed you before, have I?” He says with a giggle and a wink, “C’mon, chop chop! Off to my studio!”   “You mean your room?” You tease.  “Studiiiioo~”  

Finds out because he overheard you discussing the garlic bread and cake memes.  

“Aroace cake.... sound delicious, what’s in it?” The hungry demon asks just after his signature stomach growl.  “It’s not a real cake, Beel,” says Levi.  The poor demon’s face drops, now pouting as he looks down at his aching stomach.   “Beel, you okay?”  He dejectedly sulks out of the room and towards the kitchen, muttering to himself about the cake being a lie. 

I think Belphie would understand it to a startling degree. He has never had any serious relationships himself, finding that he already feels fulfilled with his friends and family. Perhaps you can help him explore this new revelation.  

“Mmm, it must be nice, actually. Less time wasted, more time for naps.”  “I never thought of it like that before... I should take more naps.”  He nods with a sleepy grin, patting the cushion next to him, “Who needs a thirst trap when you can have your first nap?” 

•••✦ ❤ ✦••• Submit A Request •••✦ ❤ ✦•••

A/N: Happy Pride Month from your fellow aroace author! Wishing you all the best <3

[fayes-fics]

Teacher Bridgerton

2k Celebration Masterpost

Pairing: Benedict Bridgerton x fem!reader, Modern AU

Summary: Modern AU Benedict, primary school art teacher

Warnings: none... fluff, dad!Benedict

Word Count: 830

Authors Note: Last of my 2k follower celebration drabbles. This is for @guiltywaves with the prompt of art teacher Benedict (ask here). i had to end with some soft dad!Benedict, Unbetaed. Enjoy! <3

“Is this right, Mr Brid-etun?” a boy holds a piece of paper aloft, struggling to enunciate the last name a little, wiggling in his tiny chair.

“Daniel, this is art,” Benedict explains softly as he drops to kneeling next to the little boy. “There is no right or wrong; just whatever you want to draw, do that. And please call me Ben.”

The boy looks at him wide-eyed, almost suspicious. “Are you sure?”

“Yes, I am sure. I am your art teacher, remember?”

The boy nods solemnly and reaches across the low table for a crayon. 

“Fank you, Ben,” he murmurs, a little peek of tongue at the corner of his mouth as he draws an arc in bright green.

Benedict smiles at the little boy and then stands back up to survey the cheery art room filled with 5-year-olds, preoccupied with crayons and their imaginations. It never fails to make him happy when Reception Year has its lesson every Wednesday morning. And not just because of one very special person it contains.

He never saw himself as a teacher, but a 2-month volunteering stint at summer classes on a whim became a temporary placement the following term that somehow became a job. That was seven years ago—he has never felt more content.

“Uncle Ben, I drew a cat!” a voice pipes up proudly, and he turns around to see Mary Bridgerton beaming up at him, holding a picture of what could possibly be a cat. It's a bright purple circle with rather demonic-looking red eyes and lightning-bolt yellow whiskers.

“Mary, that's very… colourful,” he offers diplomatically, bending down to ruffle her hair. “But remember, I'm just supposed to be Ben at school; I'm Uncle Ben at home,” he whispers as his brother's youngest child taps a finger to her nose with a wink, her pretty brown eyes shining as if agreeing to safeguard some grand secret. 

“I want to draw a car,” Mary’s friend Lila sighs wistfully.

“You can do it, Lila. Here,” Benedict hands her a blue crayon. “Try with this. I can help if you get stuck. I’ll be right here. And look, it's blue, just like your Mummy’s car.”

Lila rolls her eyes. “Yes, I know, Daddy. I’m not colourblind like Uncle Colin,” she replies dryly, eliciting a peal of laughter from Mary. She is often far more mature than her years, and she is growing up so fast that sometimes it terrifies him.

“Lila!” he admonishes quietly. “Remember, you must call me Ben when we are at school! And Uncle Colin isn't colourblind; he is just clueless about how to dress himself,” Benedict adds with slight relish.

“But Mary just called you Uncle Ben,” Lila retorts, drawing a quite impressive version of a blue car for her age—Benedict's heart wells at the sight but schools his expression the best he can.

“It was a accident!” Mary pipes up, indignant.

“It’s okay, Mary,” Benedict soothes. “Just remember to call me Ben at school if you can.”

She agrees and returns to her art—starting on a quiet terrifying-looking green dog. 

_____

“Mummy, look!” Lila runs up to you as you walk in from work after a long day, the delicious scent of garlic and herbs greeting you as soon as the front door opens.

She is holding aloft a remarkable drawing of a blue car. Very much like the one you just climbed out of.

“That's wonderful, Lila!” you compliment as you drop your work bag and take the paper from her for a closer look, kissing her cheek before she runs back to the kitchen table excitedly.

You wander in after her, admiring her handiwork, to be greeted by your husband feeding your baby boy in his highchair as dinner simmers away on the hob.

“Somebody is taking after her Daddy,” you smile indulgently, leaning in to kiss his jaw as you watch his face light up with joy, seeing what you have in your hands. He turns his head to capture your lips instead.

“I am so ridiculously proud; she's my star pupil. That's bad to say, isn't it?” he confesses over your lips, grimacing slightly in an utterly enchanting way.

You chuckle, nuzzling his face, enjoying the slight rasp of stubble. “It's just fine, Mr Bridgerton. I do believe it’s okay to play favourites if the class contains your own daughter.” 

“I'm just glad she draws better than Mary,” he confesses, keeping his voice soft enough that Lila cannot hear.

“That bad, eh?” you laugh, dropping a kiss on your son's hair as he mashes banana into his own cheek, burbling happily.

“Stuff of nightmares,” he shudders, and you can’t help but giggle.

“Well, I'm certainly not telling Anthony,” you warn, wrapping your arms around his shoulders as his twine around your waist, pulling you into his comforting embrace. “Or Kate.”

“Yeah, me either; I’ll give Mary a gold star and lie at parents' evening,” he jests into your hair.

“Smart man, teacher Bridgerton.”

Benedict taglist: @makaylan @foreverlonginguniverse @iboopedyournose @colettebronte @aintnuthinbutahounddog @severewobblerlightdragon @margofiore @writergirl-2001 @heeyyyou @enichole445 @enchantedbytomandhenry @ambitionspassionscoffee @chaoticcalzoneranchsports @nikaprincessofkattegat @baebee35 @crowleysqueenofhell @bridgertontess @fiction-is-life @lilacbeesworld @angels17324 @broooookiecrisp @queen-of-the-misfit-toys @eleanor-bradstreet @divaanya @musicismyoxygen84 @benedictspaintbrush @miindfucked @sorryallonsy @lilithseve @cayt0123 @hottytoddyhistory @truly-dionysus @fictionalmenloversblog @zinzysstuff @malpalgalz @panhoeofmanyfandoms @kinokomoonshine @causeimissu @delehosies @mlovesbridgerton @m-rae23 @last-sheep

[inoreuct]

What if, in some circumstances which I cannot even think of, Sanji cannot cook himself and has to tell Zoro what to do.

And Zoro's sword skills are NOT equal to his knife skills 😭

Sanji also would use fancy chef vocabulary to give commands like "now sauté those onions until they're godlen-brown" or something and Zoro's like da fuck's a co-lander. why would you need like 5 different pans.

BADABING BADABOOM HERE YOU GO REG MY DEAR technically pre-rs but they act like they’ve been married decades. ANYWAYS enjoy 🤭🤭

Zoro swore as the knife slipped again, skidding flat against the chopping board with a dull scrape that made him wince. 

In hindsight, this was all the stupid cook’s fault. Bastard just had to go and break his arm; Sanji had tried to do things one-handed for a while before he’d evidently gotten fed up and stuck his head out the galley door to scream for Zoro to help with lunch at top volume, apparently under the assumption that since Zoro was a master swordsman he’d be able to handle knives.

And by all rights, he should. He was the demon pirate hunter. He carried his best friend’s dream like a talisman in his pocket. He wasn’t going to let himself be bested by a fucking vegetables and a knife.

But Zoro was quite certain that barring his sense of direction, he had never been quite this bad at anything in his entire existence. 

The garlic had been miniscule, the celery had been too fucking slippery, the onions had made his eyes burn, and now this stupid carrot kept trying to run away from him. He could handle rough chops, sure; but when Sanji was being all picky about— 

“I said medium dice, marimo, not mutilate.”

“I don’t know what that fucking means, shithead,” Zoro gritted, not even bothering to turn around where Sanji was sitting at the dining table. He re-aligned the knife and felt inexplicably betrayed when it slipped again, slicing diagonally into the carrot. It was a miracle he hadn’t taken off a finger yet. 

He felt stupid. Awkward and useless and out of his element, it was just cooking, for fuck’s sake—

“Marimo.” 

“What,” he snapped, fingers tightening around a wooden handle. Sanji’s tone had gone soft around the edges and it rankled him, made him feel irrationally angry like a tiger pacing around in its cage, trapped and seething—

“This one’s on me,” Sanji murmured, coming around to hover by his side, something Zoro couldn’t identify in the set of his face. “Shouldn’t have assumed that you’d be good with knives just because you’re good with swords.”

The words sent a wave of panic through Zoro, stomach dropping fast enough that he ran his mouth. A need to please he hadn’t felt since he was a child. Desperation not to disappoint. “Shut the fuck up, I am, I just—” He snapped his jaw shut, pressing his teeth together hard. “Just… Give me a minute to figure it out.”

“You’re already doing better than I was, when I started,” Sanji said lightly, hair falling across his face as he tipped his head. 

“You were a child,” he ground out. The knife clattered as he put it down to shake out his hands. “S’not saying much.” 

The cook hummed, strangely gentle. “Still. It’s alright—”

“I don’t want your pity.”

And, oh. That’s what it was, wasn’t it? Pity. Zoro felt like a dumb kid again, and it was so much worse because it was Sanji. And he didn’t want to think about the implications of that, so he sneered, “Don’t look down on me, shitty cook. You and your fancy-ass cooking terms and your hundred and one pans and—”

Sanji cut him off with a bark of a laugh, tossing his head back. His left arm was immobilised in a sling, tucked close to his body as he moved behind Zoro and reached around him to pick the knife up again. “Your brains must really be full of moss if you think I’m looking down on you. Come on.” He offered Zoro the handle, and the swordsman didn’t need to look to know that Sanji was smiling over his shoulder. “One last try.”

He worked his jaw for a second, and huffed through his nose. “I fucking swear, curly, if I get cut—”

“You won’t,” Sanji replied, resolute as he watched Zoro take the knife. 

“How do you know?”

“Because you’re not stupid and I’m not careless, especially not with you.” 

The last part had been a little quieter, riding on a rushed breath, and Zoro eyed the cook pensively as slender fingers wrapped around his hand.

“Here. Like this.” 

With Sanji’s help, he cut the carrot into lengthwise sticks and then neat cubes, chopping up a few more before dumping the whole lot into a bowl with most of what he’d already cut. Sanji shifted away, poking a chopstick into the oil he’d left to heat.

“See the bubbles?” he murmured, peering down into the pot. “That’s how you check if it’s hot enough.” He twisted one of the knobs down before grabbing the vegetables and dumping them in, shifting the pieces around with a wooden spatula as they sizzled gently. “This is a mirepoix,” he said, pronouncing it meer-pwah. “It forms the flavour base of a lot of dishes. The aim is to use low heat, cook it down really slow— so that it doesn’t burn and you bring out the sweetness.” 

He was speaking softly enough that it could have been to himself, but the commentary was obviously for Zoro’s benefit, and Zoro. Did not like how that was making him feel at all. 

They were quiet for a while as Sanji did his thing, and the swordsman crossed his arms as he leaned his hip against the counter. The sun filtering in through the window was lighting Sanji’s hair up gold, washing his features in a subtle glow that emphasised the softness of his expression, relaxed and so entirely in his element that it made Zoro’s chest ache. Made something press up beneath his lungs, made it hard to breathe, and it ached.

Impervious to his inner turmoil, Sanji continued, stirring frequently as the galley started to smell really good. “When the onion turns translucent, that’s the sweet spot—” The chopped (more mushed, if Zoro was inclined to be honest) garlic from earlier went in with a vicious sizzle, then a few dashes of different sauces and a good pour of chicken stock. “Could you get the black pepper?” 

Zoro grunted, grabbing the grinder from the corner and putting a few good cracks into the pot as Sanji added salt, stirred one last time, and propped the lid on partway. “That’s it?” 

“That’s it,” Sanji confirmed, smirking, but not unkindly. “Once that simmers down it’ll be our soup, and I’ll just have to cook some noodles. I was planning for mussels in a garlic butter white wine reduction and seared scallops with this delicious spiced pomegranate and herb glaze, but— I think that might have killed you.” Something must have shown on Zoro’s face, because the cook laughed, bright and easy. “You did good, marimo, all things considered. I’d probably be horrid at sword fighting. We’re even.”

Zoro scowled, fighting back against the spark that flared in the depths of his chest at that thought. Sparring with Sanji, in his element, giving the cook shit for it but also helping. Teaching. “Hurry up and get better, and we’ll see.” 

Sanji groaned, rolling his eyes even as he chuckled. “You’re gonna kick my ass, aren’t you.”

Maybe. But even more than that… He thought about how Sanji had held his hand over the knife, patient but not condescending even though he could have been, the skin of his wrist cool against Zoro’s forearm. The look on his he face as he did what he loved and the way it had made something warm bloom behind Zoro’s sternum. The swordsman let his teeth peek in a lazy grin as his chin tipped up; an entire challenge. Half of the bite. “We’ll see.”

fin.

[yourlocalstranger123]

Obey me! x short! Reader

How do they react to short! MC picking them up?

Sorry in advance, if any of them I actually got it wrong of who created it

Bold is reader (Reader is like dominant)

Characters: Diavolo, solomon, simeon

Part 2

Pictures; all from obey me beside 1...

Has a tiny bit of genshin

DIAVOLO

Well this was awkward. You just got called to Diavolo and you just come in to see this. Diavolo holding a plushie of you/sheep [LOL]

"....so what did you call me for?"

He cleared his throat as a distraction from his red face.

"Well, uhm. I am here about your great progress in the exchange program."

As he held the sheep, he talked about your great impression of the other demons and etc. But you were annoyed, why? Because some tall-ass demon called you weak! Oh how you gonna prove then wrong.

"Hey Dia, can you stand up real quick?"

He was surprised by the nickname you gave him but did oblige to your request.

. . .

He doesn't feel his feet on the ground...wait— is [name] carrying him right now?! Huh??? He was like 5x taller than you? How, just how? The confusion was quickly replaced with laughter and amusement.

"Why spend time with that when you can spend time with the real one?"

It did makes sense though. The real one is better, and wayyyy stronger.

Now I just imagine MC just carrying him like;

HoYoLAB artist: Ndeye

(This is the only carry I could find that made sense for our little short MC)

SOLOMON

You were cooking with solomon....wait....solomon...OH SHI—

now you think back, you should not have said yes. Solomon was chopping onions and the classic thing was the onions made him cry. You were about to give him a tissue or something but he was using his hands that touched the garlic! Oh shoot! It was too late....

"AH! FUCK—"

"That was damn dumb of you to do that."

"I know but can you help me now?? At least take me to the hospital to see if I didn't go blind!"

"....we can't...."

"Why??"

"You frickin broke the car."

"Oh, yeah ouch! Well then just bring me to Simeon, he'll patch me up." Solomon washed his hands and rubbed his eyes.

"Alright....."

*swoop*

"I didn't know you knew how to use flying magic." (Solomon's eyes are still closed)

"I don't."

"What?...then why do I feel like I'm not on the ground."

"Because im carrying you."

"Oh, ok."

. . .

"WAIT— WHAT?!"

"Stop screaming or Simeon will have another person to patch up. My ears."

*later*

"Hey, why is Solomon zoning out?" Luke said as he waved his hand in front of Solomon on his tippy toes

"Apparently onions affected him and [name] carried him here....and [name] is quite short too,," Simeon said as he brews some tea.

He hadn't recovered from what happened for multiple weeks. At least you don't need to taste his cooking

SIMEON

You and Luke were planning a surprise picnic for Simeon. Why? Because thanks to him, we didn't have to eat Solomon's cooking!

Luke told you to hurry and get Simeon. And well, you did.

"Oh, hey [name] what brings you here— EEK-!"

...well that was awkward, he covered his face in embarrassment that he made that noise. But anyways he was very surprised that you were carrying him!

Before he could speak you ran towards the picnic and put him down. You went behind the tree and threw some confetti. Well, you used flower petals as confetti.

"You weren't supposed to bring him like this!" Luke argued, and also questioned how did you carry Simeon? He may not or may so ask you later to teach him your ways.

Simeon in the background chuckled at you two. Life was truly great.

[c3ec3es-findings]

October 3rd -

My uncle has been trying to convince me to leave the shack every once in a while. Make friends, have fun, get into “trouble.” Ha! That’s easy for him to say! He doesn’t have to worry about the fact that he made a deal with a glowing nacho! BUT, more importantly, I put that code into my computer, and I found the answer. Sadly.

“THE GUY WHO WRITES CODES.”

That's it. That's all it was.

- “Burning calories and galaxies.” Very funny

- A bar code? I’m just gonna scan this real quick

“HEY NERD”

Why am I even surprised?

- “Bill Tells Bill All?”

- Kinda self centered of you to be interviewing yourself

- “He's been in your mind, but what's on his?” Hilarious.

He seems pretty keen on not being dead

- Apology video?

- Can “all powerful beings” really have pimples?

UGH! HE KEEPS POPPING UP!

- So, whenever someone draws a picture of a triangle with an eye… that's a doorway?

- The window in this attic is already a triangle, so maybe I don’t have to?

- Ok, here we go, list of Bill’s powers,

1. Mind Reading (Creepy)

2. Possession (Creepier)

3. Cipher-voyance (???)

4. Charisma (Yeah, sure)

5. Pyrokinesis (Ok, Uncle Soos should have a fire extinguisher somewhere, right?)

6. Looking Amazing In Formal Wear (I beg to differ)

7. Geometric Perfection (I’m not not even going to acknowledge that one)

- List of Bills… weaknesses? He wouldn’t really put a list of his weaknesses, right?

1. Synthesized Music (I think I saw a karaoke machine somewhere)

2. Tinfoil (What does this mean? Do I just put it in your face like garlic to a vampire?)

3. McGucket's Memory Gun (Again about that old scientist. Maybe he’d know what to do?)

4. No Physical Form (Wait, so, is this all in my head? Or is he trapped in this book?)

5. Quantum

GOD! STOP! POPPING! UP! I DIDN’T EVEN WANT TO READ THIS BOOK IN THE FIRST PLACE!

YES! CANCEL THE BOOK! I WOULD LOVE TO READ THE GREAT GATSBY INSTEAD! I LOVE GAY MEN IN THE 1920S!

Oh my God, is this actually The Great Gatsby?

I mean, I haven’t read it since I was a freshman but... sure, why not?

- How did a cosmic being get the rights to add almost a quarter of The Great Gatsby to his book?

- Gosh, I hate Tom…

STOP! POPPING! UP! I AM VERY JUMPY!

OK, nope, I need a break. Besides, I’m watching my baby cousin while my uncle and aunt are out. I’ll make more notes later. I may have sold my soul to a demon, I MAY HAVE, but I am NOT on his schedule. He’s the one trapped in the book. Probably. Maybe. Hopefully.

[cordeliahrose]

Lucifer

Lucifer is a Latin word coming from the words lux, meaning light, and fero, meaning to bear or to carry. Literally translating to light-bearer.

Lucifer as a Roman Deity

Lucifer has had many faces throughout history. One of these being the Roman deity of the morning star, or Venus, considered the male equivalent of the goddess Venus. He is attributed to being the god of enlightenment and illumination. Lucifer is often depicted carrying a torch, and said to be equal in beauty to the goddess Venus. Due to being the morning star, I can also see Lucifer being associated with war as well. Especially considering his association with learning and knowledge, as well as that Venus also historically had war epithets. 

In the Greek pantheon, they separate the morning star and the evening star into two seperate deities, being Phosphorus/Eosphorus and Hesperos. Eosphorus meaning “dawn-bringer”, and Phosphorus meaning “The bearer of light”. Phosphorus and Hesperos are the sons of Eos, Goddess of dawn, and Astraios, God of dusk. Phosphorus is the father of the Hesperides, nymphs of the evening time and light of the sunset.

Lucifer in Abrahamic Religions

Historically, Lucifer was never mentioned in the Bible at all. His name being associated to Christianity nowadays is due to a mistranslation of a poem about a fallen king. However, he is a big part of Christian culture now, and there are myths associated with him. 

Lucifer was said to be the most beautiful and intelligent of God’s angels. He was God’s right hand. Until he defied God. There are many different versions of the fall of Lucifer. 

One version of this story says that Lucifer became overly prideful of himself, his beauty, intelligence, power, that he thought himself worthy of being worshipped equal to God. Because of this, God cast him out of heaven.

Another version is that Lucifer was jealous of Jesus Christ. He gathered the angels and brought forward the idea of worshipping him instead of Jesus. Some of the angels sided with Lucifer, while others did not. There was a meeting between God, Lucifer, and all of the angels in which God said that their rebellion was unforgivable. There was a war between the two sides, but ultimately God and his angels won. Lucifer and the angels who followed him were banished from heaven.

Lucifer in Modern Witchcraft

In more modern witchcraft, there is a tradition which states that Diana, queen of witches, created Lucifer when she split herself into two pieces, darkness and light. She kept the darkness for herself, and Lucifer kept the light. Lucifer and Diana also have a child, Aradia. In this tradition, Lucifer is seen as the god of light, and masculine energy. One of the most influential sources for this tradition is The Gospel of the Witches by Charles Godfrey Leland.

Lucifer in Demonolatry

In demonolatry, Lucifer has many titles. Prince, King, Emperor, Lord. Lucifer is a demon of transformation, enlightenment, awakening, self-discovery, self-empowerment, and more. He is usually attributed to the element of air, and also pride.

Lucifer’s Associations

Anything with the * symbol next to it means that it is my own UPG.

Animals:

Snakes

Rams

Peacocks

Corvids (crows, ravens)

Cats

Spiders

Moths

Colors:

Black

Grey

Gold

Red

Teal

Blue, especially pale blue*

Purple* 

Crystals:

Obsidian

Onyx

Hematite

Celestite

Seraphinite

Garnet

Sunstone

Clear quartz

Carnelian

Ruby

Copper 

I am aware that copper isn’t a crystal. 

Plants:

Apples

Pomegranates

Roses

Cinnamon

Cloves

Lavender

Blackberries

Sage

Black pepper

Garlic

Lilac

Spicy peppers*

Other:

Stars

The number 7*

Spring equinox

Autumn equinox*

Offerings

Strawberries

Blackberries

Chocolate

Apples

Pomegranates

Honey

Spicy foods*

Sweet things, especially baked goods

Juices, especially apple or grape

Coffee

Roses

Feathers

Devotional Acts

Shadow work

Learn about the sciences or the arts

Create art of any kind

Face your fears

Learn about any of his associated animals

Magical workings, especially those that fall under his sphere of influence

Learning in general

Developing  your psychic abilities and spiritual senses (the clairs)

Spiritual progression

Anything marked with the symbol * means that it is my own UPG

[mask131]

Vampires before they were cool... (3)

A last post for now – maybe more shall follow.

I talked of how the vampire myth was born, and of the vampire craze that overtook Europe. But I only vaguely hinted at what the vampires were back then. So here’s a question: what was a “vampire” in the 18th century, and how did it differ from the creature literature and cinema built? This is not a complete or extensive answer, but here are some things to think about (that I am lifting from Jean Marigny’s works):

The 18th century solidified the three main traits of a vampire. 1) It is an “undead in body”: it is not a disembodied spirit, an ethereal wraith or a spiritual demon. It has a body, it is a physical entity on the material plane. 2) It leaves its grave at night, in order to suck the blood of the living, which in turn extends his unnatural life. 3) His victims become vampires too, after they die.

The idea that vampire lacks a reflection and cannot be seen in mirror was greatly exaggerated by fiction. It was not an universal trait of vampires: it was mostly present in areas where a Germanic culture dominated. There, vampires were said to lack both shadows and reflections in mirror – which was meant to symbolize how they had lost their soul.

The idea of vampires having very huge, big and pointy teeth was greatly exaggerated by the cinema – while indeed the confusion with werewolves led to the idea of vampires having fangs, not all the vampires actually had to bite their victim to drink their blood. Many vampires simply sucked or absorbed the blood directly through the skin, without using their teeth. And in many other cases, such as the “Nachzehrer”, the vampire doesn’t even touch the victim, he just absorbs its life-force from a long distance.

While the bat became THE iconic vampire-animal (especially thanks to Buffon, who named the blood-sucking Southern American bats “vampires” in 1761), traditional vampires are said to turn into all sorts of animals: they can be spiders, or even butterflies, just as they can turn themselves into straw or mist.

Garlic is not an universal remedy against vampire: the belief that garlic repels vampire comes mostly from Romania. However, the vampire of folklore was known to only be able to leave his grave at night, as he was forced to return to his tomb before the singing of the rooster. The vampire also fears holy water and running water (because water is the source and symbol of life), and other religious symbols of Christianity (like the crucifix). A wooden stake through the heart is the best way to put an end to a vampire, but sometimes it is not enough and requires additional rituals. In Russia, the stake must be carved out of aspen wood, because it was the wood in which the cross of the Christ was built; in other countries, people rather use hawthorn, supposed to be the origin of the Christ’s crown of thorns. In Dalmatia and Albania, a dagger blessed by a priest is used rather than a wooden stake. In Romania, the “execution” of a vampire is called “the great reparation” and must be performed at the first lights of dawn, and the stake must be plunged in one hit – else the vampire can resurrect. If the body doesn’t crumble into dust after having its heart pierced, one must decapitate the corpse (usually with a gravedigger’s spade) and burn it. The ashes then have to be either buried under the crossing of two roads, or scattered to the four winds.

Alright, but how do you recognize a vampire, huh? Things are even more complicated here because its region has its own variations. The most generic and recognized trait is that, when in his grave, the corpse that is the vampire doesn’t have either a rigor mortis, or any trace of rot, even several weeks after being buried. Another common trait of vampires is how hairy they are: they have bushy eyebrows, that often join together above the nose, and they have hair in the palm of their hands. Romanian vampires even have a short tail covered with fur, which grows with the heat, and which is supposed to be giving them magical powers. When there is a vampire epidemic, a ritual to know which grave is the one of the vampire went as such: a virgin teenager had to ride a horse who also had never known sex, either entirely black or entirely white. The horse had to enter the cemetery, and supposedly reacted to the grave where the vampire was to be found: a vampire tomb was also identified by how you could find little holes on the ground near it – because it was through these holes that the vampires escaped each night, turning himself into mist. It was also believed that the people born of the sexual union of a male vampire and a female human had the gift of immediately sensing and recognizing vampires: they were called in Serbia “vampiritch” or “vampirovitch”, while in Bohemia and Hungary they were called “dhampirs”.

Finally: how do you become a vampire? Good question! Technically speaking, every human being can become a vampire after death. Nobody is prevented from the risk. But some people are more likely than others to turn into blood-sucking monsters. As I said before, all those that did not received proper Christian funerals or were not buried in holy ground were more likely to become vampires. People who died by suicide or by violent death were more at risks, just like excommunicated people, witches/warlocks, and stillborn infants. Other individuals are predisposed to become a vampire rather because of traits they had when they were born: people born with one or several teeth in their mouth, people born with a “caul” (a piece of the placenta or of the amniotic membrane stuck on the face or head of the baby), people born with either very dark eyes or very bright-blue eyes ; as well as people born with red hair (which were thought to be the “hair of Judas”) or with red spots over their body. When these people came to pass away, extra-precautions were taken to make sure they did not return as a vampire: in Romania, a nail could be plunged in the corpse’s forehead, or the body was pricked with many needles ; or the body was covered with the fat of a pig killed on Saint Ignace’s Day.

It was also very common to place an item in the mouth of the defunct, to prevent the chewing of the shroud or to prevent the soul from returning inside the body: in Romania it was garlic, in Greece it was a Christian host, in Saxony it was a lemon. Sudetenland had the tradition of wrapping the dead in a sort of large stocking: the vampire could only break one stitch of it per year. In Russia, poppy seeds were rather placed in a vampire’s grave, cursing them to counting the seeds each night instead of going out into the world.

People who died excommunicated or of suicide were constantly buried at a crossroad formed by two paths. In Serbia, to protect a house from a vampire attack, a cross made of tar was painted on the doors and the windows ; while in Romania, garlic was hanged in every room, and rubbed onto the doors, windows, chimneys and keyholes. Finally, in Russia, all the roads leading to the cemetery had to be covered in either poppy seeds or briar thorns: the vampire would be forced to pick them up one by one on its way.

[i-have-dots-in-my-brain]

ayup mates, its me (that one fucking guy that shows up in your fever dreams to offer you garlic bread then fucks off into the void) (i think you need to get a therapist btw)

Call me dots or dot (not correct but when saying something belongs to me you use "dot's". idk why don't ask me)

My cara page (for art): https://cara.app/ihavedotsinmybrain

They/them she/her it/its ( welcome to the mad lab we do experiments with the funny goofy hjinks with the genders here)

TAG GUIDE : my art (self explanatory), dot's thoughts (mad ramblings) (extra note, there are two versions of dot's thoughts, the other one is with the phone version of ' so you can go look for that if you wanna see me posting from outside the comfort of my room and computer), dot’s travel journal (me on holiday), my persona (obviously just my persona) *prone to updates

dumbass who likes to draw ocs and shit. (posts like there is no tomorrow but also like i have all the time in the world) (oc x canon stuff also) (some fanart ig)

if you wanna find my (mostly serious) art, check out @dots-in-my-head (send me asks and dms on this blog) also i have started putting fandom stuff there too so if you want to get my fandom doodles you can look to there as well

still questioning sexuality but currently aro/ace? (idk i'm not in a rush lol) (i WILL dabble in the arts of questioning me sexuality on internet if you got problems with that shoo)

my loveley husband (@octoxxt, pls ignore this blog dude its embarrassing)

why do you need to know my age, ‘you a cop?

will not draw smut or NSFW bcs i will start howling with racous laughter and melt. (i don;t even read smut in fic dude what do expect me to be able to draw im a cartoonish obviously anime style inspired semi-realism but not really shitty doodle artist you put your hopes too high if you think i can draw a dick without making it look like a piece of middle school desk graffiti)

i've got a bit of a dirty mouth but everything is pretty vanilla . (i make edgy dumb jokes sometimes, but it's not my actual personality peace 'n love on planet earth okay) (any time i say i wanna kms IT IS A JOKE) (most of my posts are /srs i will mark it if its a joke i know the pain of not knowing if it was a funny joke or not i gotchu other autistic peeps)

please talk to me god i am lonely (i am serious about this i love it when people rb and scream in the tags it genuinely makes my day) (send me asks send measkssendmeaskssendmeasks—)

Absolute art machine(whether the art is good or not is a big question that i am not ready to answer) makes shitty animations sometimes idk.

Uses lol too much. Chinese, knows mandarin (translate the random messages for maximum brain damage) i don't know simplified but i do know traditional (please talk to me i need to practice my chinese reading skills) am i a furry? idk but if you're mad about it you can fuck right off (i have a couple ocs and my darling fursona)

am currently inbetween fandoms, fandoms i am (kind of) active in are hetalia, scp, dnd, genshin, pjo, bg3, apothecary diaries, jrwi riptide and csm (list is prone to updating because fandom is my support system) (you wont see my art for most of them but the brainworms are there and sometimes i let them take over)

old fandoms or the fandoms i lurk in (i visit them often): eddsworld, demon slayer, pokemon, vocaloid and wof. (also prone to updates as i remember stuff)

note : i am still in school and have a life outside the internet so stuff will be delayed (which is why i am only kind of active) (i go missing sometimes i am not dead life is just lifing for me)

Do not say anything about how cringe I am I know trust me (it’s a coping mechanism lol)

if you're concerned, you're very right to be. I am very incoherent (most of my life updates have actually devolved into cries for help, please talk to me)

also if you don't like my art or ships just leave(any critique about anything i make shoots a bazooka straight into my heart and behind the screen i crumble into a cartoonish pile of ashes and bones as i stare at the screen blurred by tears) (unless I ask for critique then i brought this on myself and i’ll walk it off don't worry)

(Both of my personas)

My flags (might be updated)

[bunnylikeslettuce]

Rethinking strategy.

Last week, I had just an apple for lunch every day. it made me very sluggish, kinda cranky, and not very productive. As much as I am committed to losing, this is not the way. Like that amazing post said: "Let's normalize being smart about this."

I'm embracing my brazilian side, but changing a few things, this recipe is the low c4l version of Baião de Dois (I'll translate the name as "a dance for two"), a traditional dish from Brazil that I will 100% be demonized by other non 3d Brazilians for dessecrating.

This version is vegan, GF, and it takes 2 main ingredients that are full of fiber, iron, and a full aminoacid profile.

This recipe makes 4 3d portions, or 2 regular ones iykyk

1 can of beans (I used red kidney beans cus they are my favorite, but brown or black beans are traditional and I'm sure other work as well) with the bean juice!!! 420g - 323 c@ls

1/2 cup rice (I used brown, you can use whatever you want) about 110g dry - 387

Water. Very much depends on how juicy your can of beans is. I used in total about 4 cups, but if you have a pan with a lid, you'll probably need a lot less. Start with 1 cup and keep an eye on it.

Seasonings. (Traditionally onions, garlic, and some type of cured meat. I omitted the meat and used only powder Seasonings for a lower c4l approach, but Seasonings are life and you do you boo) don't skimp on the smoked paprika that will give the traditional smokey taste of the cured meat or bacon with no added c4ls.

That is it. Trow everything on a pot, stir occasionally, and add water as needed. When the rice is cooked and the texture resembles a dry risotto, you're done.

Divide in 4 portions and eat one, and let the others cool completely at room temperature before storing in the fridge or freezer. Lasts like 4 days in the fridge, and idk, like a month in the freezer.

178 c4ls per portion if you divide in 4. It has 10 grams of fiber and 9 grams of protein

[ktarsims]

Life Updates and Such...

Soooo.... many things! At the moment, I've finally pulled myself somewhat out of the doldrums caused by lack-of-job + job-search-sucks and am making all the preparations for celebrating the end of this year and the start of a new one.

I think I've binged something like 30+ anime series in the last month or so, along with reading many many books.

Today, I've finally got some bots working in the Creator's Cave discord, to make things a bit easier there. There are more updates I still need to do, but it's a start.

My hope for this week, is that in addition to my preparations for New Year's, I'll be able to actually finish my project of turning some of my flower photos into TS3 art. No promises, but I'm hopeful.

Below the cut, for the curious or nosy, the menu and preparations for New Year's.

Before anyone starts to wonder... two of the friends coming to my place for New Year's are really really into Pumpkin, so this is reflected here. Yes, this is probably too much food and drink for... 6 people, but hey... leftovers.

**Food** 1 frozen lasagna, family size 1 batch homemade mac&cheese (made by not me) Cheeses! (Extra sharp white cheddar, brie, various spreadables, 3 varieties of goat cheese) Crackers! (Ritz garlic butter, rosemary flatbread, 5 other assorted) Meats! (Summer sausage, dry salame, fig salame) Tea Sandwiches! (Cream cheese + smoke salmon or cucumber or jam) Scones! (I plan to make at least 3 varieties, but haven't yet decided which.) Oven ready appetizers! (Takoyaki, bagel bites, baked potato skins, loaded tater tots, mini quiches, mozzarella sticks, and more.) Shrimp Cocktail platter Veggie Platter Sweet Maui Onion potato chips Homemade snack mix (Corn Chex, Rice Chex, Pretzels, Cashews, Pistachios, white cheddar cheeze-its, white cheddar cheese puffs)

**Sweets** Pumpkin Spice Twinkies Iced Pumpkin Cupcakes (this is also hostess brand) Yackwa Korean donuts (gift from a neighbor) Assorted flavors of KitKats Pumpkin Pie yogurt covered pretzels Butter Rum Crunch popcorn Bourbon Crunch popcorn Milk Chocolate cherry cordials Other assorted chocolates

**Non-Alcoholic Drinks** Five different flavors of Martinellis sparkling cider Pumpkin Spice cold brewed tea (caffeinated) Pumpkin Creme Rooibos cold brew tea (herbal) Pumpkin Pie cold brew tea (herbal) Various Gatorade

**Alcoholic Drinks** 'Strong Mead' from a cider festival (gift from friend) Expensive bottle of Sake 'Demon Slayer' 1 bottle Louis Perrier Champagne for ringing in the new year Berenjaeger Green Apple Sake Peach Sake Umeshu Plum Wine Matcha Plum Wine (I'm really curious about this one) Butterscotch Shnapps Pumpkin hard Cider Dark Chocolate Cherry Moonshine Eggo Brunch Sippin' Cream A cupboard full of other assorted things that probably won't be looked at.

[leahnardo-da-veggie]

Hello there! Here for the QnA! So, I am a huge vampire fan, so I loved Convenience Store Vampire! I am curious, do you have your own Vampire-lore? Or do you lean on the general lore?

I by and large do lean on general lore, though I have my own spin on it. For starters, the species as a whole was the result of a contagion that demons carried as part of their 'curse' for rebelling against the gods, which spread to the humans in the vicinity. That's why most vampires live in the desert of Losaras, where the demons also dwell. That's also why they can't go near places of religion.

Vampirism spreads much like HIV or any other STD. Sex acts, contaminated needles, and contaminated fangs that sink into someone's throat are all potential causes of vampirism, which is why 'ethical' vampires like Dave tend to purchase blood-bags rather than sinking their teeth into any old person.

Theoretically, they can drink animal blood, but that's a bit like eating rotten food or garbage. Only the most desperate vampires will do it. The other alternative is what spirits call Kvar-lininice, or 'blood-substitute'. It's essentially vegan blood, made from special mushrooms gathered from the Deadlands. It's expensive outside of the Deadlands and spirit-clans, so it's not really an option for a person like Dave.

They don't quite burst into flames from being exposed to sunlight, though it's a bit like having a severe allergy that gets worse as you age. A fairly young vampire like Dave can get away with throwing on a coat and taking a peek outside at dawn, while an elder vamp would start screaming with agony if someone so much as shown a sunlamp on them.

The garlic thing is also another allergy kind of deal, where even smelling it will make them swell up with hives. Holy water (aka enchanted water) is incredibly painful to the touch thanks to the gods' curse, and the mere sight of a godly/religious sigil with make them deeply uncomfortable and in pain.

Because the Godhuntress isn't a 'god' specieswise, they can freely worship her with no issue, and many of them do. The followers of the Godhuntress believe that vampires and demons are also a part of the holy people, and so vampires in need can go to any 'huntress temple and get help. That's how Dave survived the first few years after he was turned, when he had to work out how to get back on his feet

I hope this was the kind of answer you were looking for!

[boomboxboi]

Reminder!

My asks are ✨open✨ and I also am open to roleplaying some JoJo.

Anyways!!!

What special dish is each GangStar known for? 🍝

Bruno Bucciarati

Bruno loves to cook.

But, he’s not a very good cook.

One time, he tried to make his world famous minestrone.

Everyone ended up with food poisoning.

No one has the heart to tell him that his food sucks.

He just gets so excited to cook for others so they just grin and bear it.

Everyone dreads when Bruno cooks.

They suggest that they go out to eat, instead.

Leone Abbacchio

Abbacchio isn’t a huge fan of cooking.

He eats raw potatoes for a reason.

But if he has to cook, it’s always just bulk frozen foods that you heat up in the oven.

One time, he made bulk lasagna.

That was the most effort he put into a meal.

He does, however, enjoy making a good cocktail every now and then.

There is artistry behind that!

Pannacotta Fugo

Fugo’s a huge fan of eggs.

He can make any type of egg your heart would desire.

He also taught Narancia how to make scrambled eggs (which Narancia called Scraggle Eggs).

He particularly enjoys making veggie omelettes.

Mushrooms, onions, green peppers, and garlic with cheddar cheese.

He makes it at 3am when he thinks no one is awake.

There is always someone awake.

Narancia Ghirga

He can’t cook.

He tries but he grew up stealing his food and then eating from the garbage.

He’s not a picky eater, because of this.

In fact, he eats a lot.

Bruno taught him table manners and tried to teach him to cook.

Fugo had to un-teach Narancia those atrocities.

Narancia can now make ‘scraggled eggs’ and cinnamon toast.

Guido Mista

A true chef.

He claims to not be a picky eater.

But he enjoys quality food.

He is fond of roasting meat, in particular.

He makes an amazing whole roasted chicken.

Whenever he cooks, everyone is extremely satisfied.

He has tried to ‘help’ Bruno cook (aka do the cooking).

But Bruno somehow always manages to ruin the dish.

He looks away for .02 seconds and then Bruno does something and it’s immediately destroyed.

Giorno Giovanna

Giorno can’t cook.

He also thinks that Bruno’s cooking is fine.

He was the only one not to get food poisoning from the minestrone (dubbed monsterstrone by the others).

Abbacchio swears this means that Giorno is a demon.

Giorno does make a good salad, though.

As long as he doesn’t have to cook.

He can also make bread.

But that is baking.

[horsefreek151]

My husband's First time Watching Twilight

My dear husband has not seen many of the movies that were very informative of my tween and teen years; Twilight is one of the top ones. He not only agreed to watch it but agreed to let me write down his reactions. Here are the 3 PAGES of comments I recorded during the two hour movie.

Opening line: "I'd never given much thought to how I would die." - Well, Lucky you

I'm glad this deer is going to be totally unharmed

What ?! Hang on... He catches the dear mid jump like a trick dog.

Him: Why is (Stephany Myers) so obsessed with baseball? Me: Shes Mormon Him: I think it's the homoerotic subtext

ACAB even (Charly)

Alright... one bathroom? There's only two of you!

Billy (who is in a wheelchair) responds with how hes doing by saying "Still Dancing!" - I love him Meets Eric - GAY BEST FRIEND *He was disappointed by him being straight* *Pauses Movie* I had no idea her name was Isabella

Mike Existing - That's the most awkward person Ive ever seen

Jerk kisses her on the cheek without consent - That's assault

*Edward walks in* - OMG thats BATMAN *JKJKJK*

How ... Why ... Why is she laughing.

So he can see the future... Nobody in this movie knows how to eat food. Fuck you, Binder! She is the awkward one Charly Guy in Mill getting hunted - Hes agile I would have fallen over by then. Bella slips and falls over - Relatable *he is unaware of the trope* "Not in Phoenix Bells" Line referring to large animals hunting people in Forks - "YoU DoNt HaVe AnImAls iN ArIzOnA" What do you mean Charly!? They have Mountain Lions and SNAKES Charly! *I mention scorpions too* No writer in this movie ever talked to a high schooler. "Your name is Bella?" - Its actually Isabella as I have learned I only care about this golden onion... and why it isn't a golden garlic. "Cold wet thing" - Unlike sand which is hot and course She also looks like shes in white face paint. (Edward) just walks away like a fucking freak... I love it. None of these people have ever talked to a human before. *Car Crash* - So much is happening... why are there so many cuts... The vampires all look like fucking mimes Your asking him about the speed he got there and not the CRUMPLED DOOR?!

Dont worry (Bella) Im also confused about what happened *Edward in the corner of her room* Hes like a fucking PTSD flashback. Hes a fucking sleep paralysis demon Its dumb to send (the vampires) to highschool. I didn't know one of (Bellas) personality traits was Clumsy There Bio teacher belongs in a sitcom They act like they are fifty or twelve... not like teenagers... twelve is more accurate. The most unrealistic part (of there field trip) is that the bus driver is not screaming at him for banging on the door... or maybe I grew up in Boston. *Edward dose the apple thing* - Ok now he's just making fun of her Robert Patterson and the guy playing Charly are the best actors. Edward mentions wearing a mask, and Bella quips about it - OOOOO, She called Edward out for being autistic! *He can say that as I am autistic and I give him permission* *Edward cant go to LaPush* - Is it cause he cant cross moving water? *He made so many jokes about vampire lore I didn't write them all down* I was trying to tell what time this flashback took place and I just couldn't. I'm glad they gave us a 30-second tutorial on how to get a book online. Some of this look like a horror movie TOKYO DRIFTING, Dam that was a fuckin j-turn! "Little do (her friends know) he was going to eat her, for her blood" Oh Bella, I understand he's a pretty boy, but back up from the "How do you know what he was thinking?" and back to the "WHY WERE YOU STALKING ME!?" I can't wait for the almost SA scene to never come up again... *sarcasm* * They touch hands by oops * - Touch Barrier Broken Charly and Billy watch the game - DAD DATE! ... Oh no not Butcrack SANTA! Looks at Jasper - Is he another vampire who fought for the Confederacy? She sees buttcrack Santa's body - Do they not have body bags? With how much he's stalking her he should be called Edward the Relentless *he loves what we do in the shadows* Why are we spinning... why is there so much spinning? Bella claims Edward talks old-fashioned - He talks like a badly written character... like everyone here. "you won't hurt me" - cause stalkers never escalate violence when things don't work out. Because she's a white woman, and he's her pit bull. LISTEN TO HIM WHEN HE SAYS HES DANGEROUS BELLA. "personal brand of heroine" - Him: because everyone knows heroine comes in brands Me: Im on name brand Meth (me referring to my ADHD MEDS) Him: You're on generic Meth, and you know it. (as I take the generic brand) YOU'VE KNOWN HIM FOR LIKE A WEEK "Irevicoably in love with him" - GIRL... WHY? Sees Emmit - He kinda looks like Peet Davidson I like (Edwards) sitting like a little weirdo He turned to madly in love on a dime. Wait hang on.... (skips back to Billy giving Bella the stinkeye) Eyyyy They do what we do! (Billy holding all the stuff while Jacob pushes, like we do with my wheelchair) Just Sees Jasper - "Ive never seen more fear in a character than in his face right now

Is he scared she will know he fought for the Confederacy? (I have yet to confirm or deny the truth of this statement) Alice being Alice - OOoO Edward, she's gonna steal your girl! No wonder he's fallen in love in 3 seconds... he's been seventh wheel for who knows how long. *there dancing in edwards room* - *husband starts singing my fair lady* "Hang on Spider Monkey" - IT's THE LINE!!! *I mention how it's creepy that he watches her sleep* Well, you watch me while I sleep, but you have insomnia... and were married. *they kiss*- This is the most Mormon shit I've ever seen. At least they show how realistically boaring being a vampire would be. Drinking while cleaning your shotgun... that's totally safe Charly... "Why do you play baseball?" - Since they are American Bella! - "Well it is the American past time" Esme says - SEE! The Thrupple of trouble is walking in like there ready for a photoshoot. Blond Thrupple guy (James) looks so High... "...STuck here like MOM" - OOF! KNIFE TO THE HEART! Did her friends just steal mugs from the diner? Edward won't stop drinking her blood - Bop him on the nose with a newspaper like a dog. Edward sad he "didn't" stop - But you did stop when Carlile bopped you on the head with a newspaper. We kissed once now were in love forever.... They are all weirdos and this feels like a cult Director of Photography, I hate you. Costume? I can't forgive you for that flashback. High school science teacher, you were my favorite. His final review: This was a bad movie. There are better vampire movies, there's better romance movies and better young adult movies. All the genera are valed, this is just a bad example of all of those generas. I understand why its popular tho, and why young woman loved it. Especially when you take in at the time, it came out. Its the American mix of all about sex but completely clean and demonising sex and not having any sex in it. To me its the same way that 50 shades of gray wants to be about sexy bdsm while still saying bdsm is morally wrong. Nothing wrong with wanting a sexy vampire with wanting a romance, I like romance. Theres nothing wrong with media for young women. This is just bad.