#i at least am not still in back pain which is what killed me yesterday

[moeblob]

I literally ate One Thing today and my stomach has decided to rebel.

[saras-devotionals]

Quiet Time 3/5

What am I feeling today?

Still sick, also lazy. I was very unproductive yesterday and it kinda killed my mood. I need to make a structured plan for today to adhere to so I can get back on track when it comes to work. But excited too! I got accepted to something amazing and I’ll be getting more details and everything today, just feeling really encouraged by that!

Luke 7 NIV

(v. 6-10) “So Jesus went with them. He was not far from the house when the centurion sent friends to say to him: “Lord, don’t trouble yourself, for I do not deserve to have you come under my roof. That is why I did not even consider myself worthy to come to you. But say the word, and my servant will be healed. For I myself am a man under authority, with soldiers under me. I tell this one, ‘Go,’ and he goes; and that one, ‘Come,’ and he comes. I say to my servant, ‘Do this,’ and he does it.” When Jesus heard this, he was amazed at him, and turning to the crowd following him, he said, “I tell you, I have not found such great faith even in Israel.” Then the men who had been sent returned to the house and found the servant well.”

My main focus was near the end in which it says Jesus was amazed at him. I just find it really interesting that Jesus can be amazed by us and in the case of this man by his faith.

(v. 13-15)

“When the Lord saw her, his heart went out to her and he said, “Don’t cry.” Then he went up and touched the bier they were carrying him on, and the bearers stood still. He said, “Young man, I say to you, get up!” The dead man sat up and began to talk, and Jesus gave him back to his mother.”

I like this too because it says that his heart went out to her and I’d like to think the same happens with us. Whenever we experience a painful hardship such as the death of a loved one, his heart goes out to us and brings us comfort.

(v. 23) “Blessed is anyone who does not stumble on account of me.””

I like this, because the way we avoid stumbling is by abiding heavily to the word and his teaching. I feel that the parallel for this is found in Luke 17:1-2 “Jesus said to his disciples: “Things that cause people to stumble are bound to come, but woe to anyone through whom they come. It would be better for them to be thrown into the sea with a millstone tied around their neck than to cause one of these little ones to stumble.”

(v. 26-28) “But what did you go out to see? A prophet? Yes, I tell you, and more than a prophet. This is the one about whom it is written: “ ‘I will send my messenger ahead of you, who will prepare your way before you.’ I tell you, among those born of women there is no one greater than John; yet the one who is least in the kingdom of God is greater than he.””

I’m curious about the ending, where he says that there’s no greater than John but even the least in the kingdom of God is greater than him. I went to some commentary because I was confused by this and this is what they said:

This seemingly paradoxical statement is resolved by the considerations: (1) that John the Baptist was not in the kingdom of Christ, the same not being set up until after John’s death, and (2) that the term "greater" has reference to privilege, rather than to character.

(v. 40-43)

“Jesus answered him, “Simon, I have something to tell you.” “Tell me, teacher,” he said. “Two people owed money to a certain moneylender. One owed him five hundred denarii, and the other fifty. Neither of them had the money to pay him back, so he forgave the debts of both. Now which of them will love him more?” Simon replied, “I suppose the one who had the bigger debt forgiven.” “You have judged correctly,” Jesus said.”

I like this parable, I feel it’s rather simple and reasonable to understand and I’ll get into the point of it in the next verse:

(v. 47-50)

“Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven—as her great love has shown. But whoever has been forgiven little loves little.” Then Jesus said to her, “Your sins are forgiven.” The other guests began to say among themselves, “Who is this who even forgives sins?” Jesus said to the woman, “Your faith has saved you; go in peace.””

Although all sin is sin and separates us from God, it’s notable here that there are some that sin more than others (there are times we can compare ourselves in saying “well at least I’m not that bad”, but it’s critical to keep in mind that we are all still sinners!). But also notable here is that Jesus says whoever had been forgiven little loves little. And although it’s no small feat to be forgiven of all your sins, I do understand the point here and wonder if it affects my relationship with him.

[astridthevalkyrie]

to anyone following me who's waiting for the superior update: i am so sorry it's taking so long. it's not just hard to hyperfixate on levi, it's hard to hyperfixate on anything. even though i have ten million hawks wips i started and a couple l&ds ones too, not even mentioning all the old levi ones, i can't actually think about them enough to write. i have the docs open on my laptop and i just kinda stare at them. if i really force myself to write, it's not going to be good. my best writing always just comes out of me naturally.

superior's at 8k words right now and hasn't been updated in more than a year, and that kills me. it's not abandoned. that story is my baby. law school has honestly been a shitshow for me. my grades are fine, but my depression and anxiety have reached the lowest lows they've ever been even though things in my life have actually improved! i've set boundaries with my parents and my grades are good and i do have friends. but even though i'm trying, i'm in constant burnout. i can never tell whether it's my physical or mental health that's the problem. between the depression anxiety adhd and now autism (i still need further testing but i have passed the initial one so congratulations to me hoorah) i'm literally almost always in a bad mood and exhausted. and then i'm dehydrated, severely anemic, and my upper back has been in constant pain since i was 17. my wrists have hurt on and off since i was 16, which obviously makes typing all the more hard.

and if this sounds like i'm whining...it's because i am. i don't wanna be stuck in this state, depressive or autistic burnout or executive dysfunction or whatever it is. i have a vision of where i could be, what i could do if i could just do it and it just depresses me more. i'm in therapy, i'm trying to be nice to myself, but it's so hard. i hate everything and everyone but i am trying so hard to be kind and understanding and not to upset anyone.

i want to hyperfixate. i want to think about a character 24/7. sure it affects my productivity when it happens, but my productivity is already in the ground. at least that way i would be making myself happy. i can barely maladaptive daydream lately. i used to think of scenarios and stories 24/7 even if i didn't write them. and now it's like. i hate the music i listen to. i hate my room. i have no energy to like characters. i barely have energy to wake up. and the more i dwell on these thoughts, the worse it gets.

but still. i am not abandoning this story. i want to finish it so badly. i've just realized that the problem isn't necessarily "oh there isn't any new aot media." it's just. i'm not doing well. yesterday was a better day and i wrote 2k words of analysis. i still can do it. but it feels like the only way i could really heal is if everyone in my life left me alone for at least a week, maybe a month. and that's obviously not happening. so i'm trying to find tips for people with audhd and seeing what i can do to cope but they're all things that i just don't feel are achievable. and because my self worth is so closely tied to what i can do, the more nothing happens, the more depressed i become.

all this to say superior is not abandoned. i'm trying to get to a better place, and i really hope i can have time for my favorite characters and my little stories. i hope you guys can see it soon.

[l832]

hanif abqurraqib // full text under cut

(tw suicide)

Brief Notes On Staying // No One Is Making Their Best Work When They Want To Die

I don't mean sadness as much as I mean the obsession with it. Once, on the wrong edge of a bridge, a boy I knew who played songs let his feet slip off. I found a tape of his after he was gone, and the music sounded sweeter, or at least I told myself it did. What I really want to do is say that life is impossible, and the lie we tell ourselves is that it is too short. Life, if anything, is too long. We accumulate too much along the way. Too many heartbreaks, too many funerals, too many physical setbacks. It's a miracle any of us survive at all. I know that I stopped thinking about extreme grief as the sole vehicle for great art when the grief started to take people with it.

And I get it. The tortured artist is the artist that gets remembered for all time, particularly if they either perish or overcome. But the truth is that so many of us are stuck in the middle. So many of us begin tortured and end tortured, with only brief bursts of light in between, and I'd rather have average art and survival than miracles that come at the cost of someone's life. There will always be something great and tragic to celebrate and I am wondering, now, if I've had enough. I am, of course, in favor of letting all grief work through the body and manifest itself creatively. But what I'm less in favor of is the celebration of pain that might encourage someone to mine deeper into that unforgiving darkness, until it is impossible for them to climb out. I'm less in favor of anything that hurts and then becomes theater, if that theater isn't also working to heal the person experiencing pain. I, too, am somewhat obsessed with watching creations that feel like work. I am less drawn to the artist who at least appears to make it look easy. But our best work is the work of ourselves, our bodies and the people who want us to keep pushing, even if the days are long and miserable and even if there are moments when the wrong side of the bridge beckons you close. All things do not pass. Sometimes, that which does not kill you sits heavy over you until all of the things that did not kill you turn into a single counterforce that might. No matter what comes out of a person in these times, the work that we make when we feel like we no longer want to be alive is not the best work if it is also not work that, little by little, is pushing us back toward perhaps staying, even if just for a moment.

What I'm mostly saying, friends, is that I've lost too much. And everything sounds good when you know it was the last thing a person would ever make. All of the words sit more perfect on the page when they are the last words. What I'm mostly saying, friends, is that I am sad today. I am sad today, and I may be sad tomorrow. But I watched a video where rappers hung out of the roof of a car and threw money in slow motion, and it made me briefly consider another type of freedom. I am sad today, but I held, in my hands, a picture of me on a day where I was not sad. In it, the sunlight leaked over my face in a city I love, and my eyes were wide and eager. I am sad yesterday, and I might be sad tomorrow, and even the day after. But I will be here, looking for a way out, every time.

Staying is not always a choice, and I have lived and lost enough to know that. But the way I think about grief is that it is the great tug-of-war, and sometimes the flag is on the side you don't want it to be on. And sometimes, the game has exhausted all of its joy, and all that's left is you on your knees. But, today, even though I am sad, my hands are still on the rope. I am making my best work when my hands are on the rope, even if I'm not pulling back. Life is too long, despite the cliché. Too long, and sometimes too painful. But I imagine I have made it too far. I imagine, somewhere around some corner, the best part is still coming.

(from They Can’t Kill Us Until They Kill Us)

[your-mums-nuts]

Here's a fun request based off some old discussions I had with friends about Emerald City + Rosegarden. How about Emerald just being the akward third wheel to Rosegarden? So Ruby and Oscar could be having a moment but Emerald interupts it by opening a soda can.

(Thanks for the asks! Please send more! I threw in some emercury implied because ofc I did. This is also included in the emerald and Oscar farm shenanigans from the other ask you sent:) can you tell I had fun writing this? I hope you like it!)

“Pause the game”.

“Excuse me!?”.

“Emerald, pause the game, Ruby’s on the phone”.

She did pause the game, made a big show of it just to announce how pissed off she was that she even had to do it.

She muttered something about bros before hoes and Oscar didn’t even have time to blush before Ruby was chattering away at him.

“Oscar! It’s been so long, how are things with you guys? How’s your aunt? How’s Emerald? Shit! How are you?”.

He chuckled at the speed of her speech and waited a few seconds for his brain to catch up.

“Emerald is going great Ruby! She just loves listening to you two stammer your way through a conversation”. Oscar flipped her off and heard Ruby mutter something on the other end of the line, “what was that?”, he asked, still giving Emerald the finger.

“Yang wanted me to say that she’s happy someone else understands her pain”.

“Geez, we’re not that bad are we?”.

Ruby snickered into the receiver and the endearing crackling of it made his heart skip a beat or two.

“According to our older sisters, we sure are!”.

“What’re we gonna do!?”, he mocked, making a face at Emerald.

“Kill yourself”, Emerald muttered at the exact same time Ruby exclaimed, “get new sisters!”.

“Sounds like a plan!”.

“I am not going to just sit here and listen to the two of you slander my good name!”, Emerald threw her hands up in exasperation.

“Then leave”, both he and Ruby said in unison, earning him a sweet laugh from Ruby and a groan from Emerald.

“You and Mercury are just as bad, at least Ruby’s not living with me! In the house my most generous friend Oscar invited me and only me to!”.

“We don’t come separately! You knew this!”.

“Looks like you bought one and got one free”, Ruby chirped from the phone that he had forgotten he was holding, he grinned guiltily, even though she couldn’t exactly see him, and scolded himself for letting Emerald distract him from his goal. Which was to talk to Ruby.

“Hey Em, you wanna go elsewhere?”, he asked sweetly.

“Else-where?”.

“As in, somewhere else! That isn’t here!”.

“Fine, you’ve just made this room lame anyway”.

He waited until he heard her footsteps enter the hallway before returning to the matter at hand.

“Sorry about that”, he grimaced.

“Don’t apologise, not our fault our sisters don’t have lives and exist only to annoy us”.

“Yeah, but I’ve dedicated my life to getting her back for being annoying so it’s really such a vicious cycle”.

“Same, yesterday Blake was over and they were being so disgusting right in front of my salad, so I sprayed her with water”.

Oscar barked a laugh at the unexpected action.

“No it’s not even funny, I shouldn’t even be telling you”.

“Tell me!”. He demanded instantly.

“Only ‘cause your cute”.

“You can’t even see me”.

“I just have a feeling, am I wrong?”.

He huffed and tried to physically stop smiling (he couldn’t).

“Well, Mercury said I looked like a Boy Scout this morning, so I’m unsure”.

“You do, but in a cute way”.

“I hate that guy”, Oscar grumbled.

“That’s just ‘cause he’s dating your sister”.

“They’re not dating and she’s not my sister”.

He could hear her scoff through the phone, “be for real, she lives with you and calls you lil bro”.

“She actually calls me shithead, I’m only little bro in front of her beloved aunt may”.

Ruby laughed a little too hard at that, it made the phone crackle like a campfire which in turn made Oscar think of all the campfires they used to build in the war, which made him sigh with nostalgia.

“What’s wrong?”.

“Just thinking about how I miss when we were still at war, like a total dick”.

She sighed too, it was exactly like his.

“No, I know what you mean. I miss the camping and the whole… togetherness of it all”.

A moment of silence and then…

“I- I miss you”.

He sighed like it was the one thing he didn’t know he had been waiting to hear. “Yeah”, he let the words fall out of him, filter-less, “I miss you too, a lot”.

A companionable silence stretched the moment out, not unlike their many comfortable quietly moments they’d had during the war. The moments of peace, the calm before the storm.

“What? Dad cmon! Dad, it’s Oscar”, he could hear bits and pieces of some conversation taking place between Ruby and her father and subconsciously straightened his posture.

“Oscar, I’m really sorry, dad needs the phone for work. Can I call you later tonight or-“.

He heard Ruby’s dad say something like ‘not at night!’.

“-or Tomorrow morning?”.

“Tomorrow morning sounds great!”, like hell he was gonna complain about he dads rules in front of her dad.

“Okay- I’m really sorry I have to go! Bye Osca-“, she cut off, the familiar click of being hung up on rung through the silent room.

Oscar sighed, then rearranged his face so to look not totally let down. “Em!”, he called out, “we can unpause the game now!”.

“Awww Oscar”.

He jumped completely into the air, nearly screaming at how silently she’d came into the room. Picking up on his confusion, Emerald shrugged guiltily.

“I’ve been here the whole time”, and then, more seriously, “please don’t be mad at me”.

“I’m not”, he sighed. Because he really should’ve expected nothing less, it was just the dissatisfactory way he’d ended his conversation with Ruby.

“What’s wrong dude?”.

“I don’t know, nothing”.

“Okay, want me to reset the game while you mope?”. He nodded and slumped onto the couch and threw his scroll to the other side of it. Emerald pressed a few buttons and slumped right beside him.

“You wanna know something?”.

“No”.

“I’m gonna tell you anyway even though Yangs gonna fucking kill me. So like, avenge me”.

“Fine”.

“Ruby is constantly begging to use the phone. She’s even trying to get their dad to order her some fancy one from god knows where that has great storage, you know, for those long distance calls”.

He shot up from his sulking position, making hard eye contact with Emerald, “where did you hear this?”.

“Yang, duh”.

“Since when do you and Yang talk? I thought she hated you”.

“She hates Mercury, which is his business. Can you blame her for falling for my charms? Also we both have gross siblings who have gross crushes on each-other, so there’s that”.

“Be honest, why were you talking?”.

Emerald let out a long, suffering sigh, “she threatened to beat you up if you hurt Ruby, I threatened to beat Ruby and her and their little dog up if they hurt you”.

He gasped, “not Zwei!”.

Emerald stuck her fist in the air, “yes Zwei! That’s how much I love you, I’ll destroy a poor doggy”.

“I love you too”, he moved closer to her, grabbing his console and refusing to show her his own stupid grin.

[nudgeling]

Part one

The cheery tune of Queen's "Crazy little thing called love" rang out three times in the hungover silence. Each one chipped a little bit away at Pearl's unconsciousness, but the final third one became the straw that woke her up. She denied the call and turned her head back into the corner of the couch. Her head felt like lead. It rang out twice more before she groaned and finally picked it up.

“Hello?” she grumbled into the cell, eyes still closed.

“Pearl!” The volume made her head spin and ache. “Where the hell are you? I got home and you’re not here, and no one knows where you are, and you haven't picked up your phone in-”

“Please. For the love of God. Stop shouting.” Angry Scottish was annoying at the best of times, but at the moment it was straight up painful.

“I’ll stop shouting when you tell me where you are, I thought you’d been kidnapped or something!”

“Fine, fine, just quiet down, my head’s killing me. I’m…”

She sat up and nudged the sleep-fog out of her eyes with a yawn. When her vision cleared and her surroundings came into reality, she promptly nudged them again because she must have done something wrong the first time around. Then she did it a third time. Everything about the room she found herself was still completely unfamiliar. She came to the begrudging realization that she had no idea where she was.

“Huh.”

“What?”

“Maybe I have been kidnapped.”

“What?”

It was a college student’s apartment, that part was clear. Barely three steps to her left was a kitchenette, to the right an ajar door she presumed led to a bedroom, and the hall and bathroom were squeezed in between the two, yet the host still managed to afford a flat screen TV and a PS5. Not to mention the place was as messy as a junkyard, which made her inner cleaning lady scream. Right in front of her was a low table with a collection of various paraphernalia scattered from one end to the other, one of them catching her eye, as it was probably supposed to.

“Oo, hang on, there’s a note.”

It was a striped paper with ripped off stapler-holes on the edge, with a handwriting that was thankfully pretty legible. She skimmed over the words and mumble-read it to Scott on the other end.

Hey, if you wake up before I do, don’t panic. You’re not kidnapped and we haven't hooked up or anything either. You were really drunk yesterday so I was giving you a ride home, but you passed out before you could tell me the address so I let you crash at my place instead. The door is unlocked so you can get out any time you want. Please don’t steal anything.

Martyn

“What does it say? Are you safe?” Scott asked. Apparently her mumbling hadn’t been that effective.

“Do you know who Martyn is?” she asked, ignoring his question because it was second nature to be petty to Scott. It sounded vaguely familiar, though she was terrible with names.

He went quiet for a second. “With a ‘Y’ or an ‘I’?”

“A ‘Y’, it says he brought me to his place when I passed out yesterday. I passed out?”

“I…”

“Not kidnapped anywho, if that’s what you’re worried about,” she muttered, a bit bitterly but she was only human.

“Pearl. Do you remember anything about last night?”

“I fear my head will explode when I think too hard, so no.”

“Oh. Well. Probably for the best. At least you’re safe… hopefully. Just, please be careful around Martyn.”

“Hah, sure, always am.”

“I’m serious, Pearl. If I were you I’d get out of there.”

“So now you care about me?”

“Unfortunately, yes.”

“Naww.”

“Nothing has changed because I don’t want you to be dead. I’m just here to pick up some stuff, call me when you get back.”

“Scott, wait-”

The line went dead. Great. She threw her phone to the floor with as much force her hungover body could manage. It thudded weakly on the floor.

Getting up to a standing position made stars flood to her head and the floor tilt like a funhouse, and she soon fell right back into the squeaky couch. The second attempt was slower but better, and she only had to combat a slight dizziness, plus the ever present beating headache, as she made her way over to the door on her right. She gently pushed it open.

It was way darker inside of Martyn’s bedroom. Thick gray blinds covered the windows, creating black squares with sunlight edges. On the queen sized bed lay a bulging shape beneath the sheets, his shoulders and blonde head peeking out and both hands nestled underneath the pillow. His face was featureless in the dark. She leaned against the doorframe and knocked gently on the door until the figure roused. A couple seconds of bleary orientation passed before he seemed to clock the situation.

“Oh. Hey.”

“Hi.” She gave a small wave. “You said no stealing, but do you by any chance have some aspirin I could, uh, borrow? My head is murdering me.”

“Yeah, uh…” He propped himself up on his elbows and pressed his fingers into his eyes. Pearl sympathized. “Ibuprofen ok?”

“I’ll take anything.”

“Bathroom cupboard, top shelf, blue box.”

“Thanks.”

She closed the door. She hadn’t recognized the voice, so maybe she didn’t know the guy after all. It would be nice to get a proper look at him before she left, but she wouldn’t go out of her way to wake the poor dude up again.

The bathroom was somewhat cleaner than the rest of the apartment. The shower had sleek green curtains, adding a bit of color, which was pleasant. There were two toothbrushes as well, one blue and one green with a red floral pattern. Girlfriend, maybe? She really doubted this guy had a roomie.

Less pleasant was the mirror on the cupboard where she caught sight of her reflection. She looked like she felt; like shit. Sticky hair, smudged makeup, baggy eyes. Her whole body felt heavy and sweaty, and a sniff beneath her arm made her wrinkle her nose and add “stinky” to her current list of adjectives. She hated not being clean. It made her itch.

The blue plastic box was easy to find, and so was the ibuprofen laying on the top layer of part medicinal items and part random junk like hair clips and rubber bands. There was also a fuck ton of bandaids, a bottle of adderall, and a testosterone injection kit, because she couldn’t help being nosy. However, there was a far more interesting item peeking out from the bottom, a prescription bottle that didn’t catch her attention until after she had downed the painkiller and was about to put the box back on the shelf.

It was one of those drugs, those who cartoon characters in TV anti-drug campaigns warned against and doctors only prescribe under uttermost vigilance. The kind she used to take great care to stay away from, the same way she did with cigarettes and alcohol. But that person felt very far away as she held the bottle in her hand. Funny how much 48 hours could change a woman.

She put three pills in her pocket, not knowing until far later the twist of fate that one action had just caused.

Martyn was heading across the living room when she got out. Her wish to see his face was granted. He was dressed in a green T-shirt and jeans, and had the same familiar headband around his head, just like he used to.

"It’s you!" She blurted.

He startled, stopping in his tracks. “It’s… what?” he buffered.

Martyn. That’s why it was so familiar. If she’d been asked to name Grian’s old friend with the bandana she probably could have shaken up the answer sooner or later, but as she hadn’t sent a thought his way for years at that point, the idea that this Martyn was that Martyn hadn’t struck her for a second. He was a background actor in a background memory. Considering the lengths he'd apparently gone to help her, it made her feel pretty guilty.

"I had totally forgotten your name and your voice has dropped by like an octave, I'm so sorry."

He seemed to connect the dots, and suddenly barked a laugh. "You thought I was a stranger?”

“Kind of?”

He chuckled. “I mean, fair, I suppose. Awfully confident asking a stranger for meds, though."

Pearl shrugged. "Fear don’t got much on me these days."

Martyn hummed, like he’d unlocked new character info and was storing it away under the 'Pearl' file.

"Right, well now that you figured out my identity," he continued, "I need to clarify that I'm not normally this messy."

"Girlfriend away or something?"

He went silent, cluing Pearl that she was wrong.

“Boyfriend?”

He went to say something, then hesitated and spoke anew. "I mean, yeah, in a sense. The first one, that is. She uh… we broke up."

“Oh.” As if feeling like trash wasn’t enough, she now felt like an idiot as well. “I didn’t know.”

“Yeah, I figured.”

Silence followed. Fantasies about sinking through the ground or being pelted by a legion’s stash of arrows floated through Pearl’s mind. She cleared her throat.

“Look, I’d like nothing more than to get out of your hair, but is there any chance I could borrow your shower real quick first?”

“Oh, sure, go for it,” Martyn perked. “Want a change of shirt?”

“You don’t have to-”

“I know, I know, just… Would you like one?”

"Uh… do you have anything that fits?"

"I'll see what I can find."

He walked off without another word, and Pearl, after buffering a bit herself, slid back into the bathroom. Scott’s words of warning came back to her, which she found increasingly hard to believe. If Martyn had been flawlessly charming and clean, then she wouldn’t have had any trouble judging him as a problem and potential danger. Instead what she’d been met with was a messy, awkward, probably heartbroken boy who still put his foot forward with kindness. Screw what Scott thought, she liked this guy.

She locked the door, just to be sure.

[umbralsound-xiv]

Kindling Embers.

I hadn't heard her stir, so much as make a sound, which had made me wonder if she was still there at all. I'd been back to the company house first thing in the morning, to see Sayuri and pick up a few ingredients to make something... Here's to hoping i can cook something edible. And if not... We have a rolanberry tart, at least.

Bexy Amalaryssia slowly approaches the partition, the signal of heeled boots heralding her arrival. "…Vex?" Bexy calls, quietly. She peers around the wooden panels, unsure if she was awake.

S'vexrha Tchuma's ears flicker at the sound, one eye peeking open only for the other to follow as her name is called. ".. Yep?"

Bexy Amalaryssia: "…I… Wasn't sure if you were hungry. I brought something from the company house?" She tilts her head. "You're welcome to it."

S'vexrha Tchuma: ".. Well. I-.. didn't really eat before running away yesterday morning, so.." She squints, and peers down at herself - as if trying to judge her own hunger by staring at her stomach. ".. I-- probably should?" Her head raises and she offers an uncertain blink. ".. Company house. You and your.. friend, mentioned that yestersun, too.. What is it?" She pushes her palms into the floor and shoves herself up on her feet like normal, grimacing slightly at any pain that jabs her in the most recent injured areas.

Bexy Amalaryssia: "…Well, don't… Don't expect anything too special. Not in terms of the stew, anyway. I could hardly lug a pot of that through the Shroud, so settled on ingredients instead. It's not like i should be out hunting, wounded though i am. I -did- say i'd take it easy." Bexy sighs, offering a faint smile, and a beckoning, gloved hand. "The… Company? That's where i'm employed. Sayuri and Eir, too, as well as Neoma who you met, yestersun. Though Sayuri's capture was a wholly personal matter, on my end."

S'vexrha Tchuma: ".. Can't be worse than what I've lived on for the past fourteen cycles." Her lips tug into a thin line, following along at the beckon. Her head tilts, curiously. ".. Oh. I... see. Not dragging all of them into that, got it."

Bexy Amalaryssia: "…Precisely. We didn't know their numbers, only that there were… Many. Many more than in our company, for certain. I couldn't just let them take her, but fearing a retalition large enough to kill the lot of us, i worked alone. Mostly alone. I did have help from friends who had offered their aid away from the company." Bexy turns to ascend the stairs, then. "…I'm not the best at cooking… But i did bring rolanberry tart, for dessert!"

S'vexrha Tchuma: "… Up until recently, twohundred and twenty." Vex retorts, factually. Her eyes narrow into an automatic squint as they ascend the stairs, peering up at the windows for a moment before letting her gaze follow Bexy. ".. They think you did it mostly alone, other than the one they knew were with you." She wanders up to the bench, lowering herself down on it. ".. Probably better than me, I don't know how to. And.. nice. I.. think?"

Better for them to think i was alone. They know of Khive... Though i still don't know how. I should make time to speak with her soon. It's been some time since... That incident.

Bexy Amalaryssia: "…Up until recently, yes." She curls her lips into a smirk. "And i'll let them continue to believe that. If they come after me, i can handle that. Coming after those close to me…?" Bexy clicks her tongue, shaking her head as she dished out stew; carrots, popotoes, onions and chunks of antelope. She's even been kind enough to bring a few bread rolls, moving to set the food on the table in front of Vex, returning to the stove to ladle up her own helping. "…It's edible, but nothing compared to the chefs at the company. The tart is from Eir, i think. The rolanberries are arranged a little differently to how Auro'usk does it…"

S'vexrha Tchuma: ".. Either sounds like a horrible idea, if you ask me. Grym's hand, Z'quohn, thought so too." She turns around in her seat to peer down into the bowl, eyeing it almost curiously. ".. It's solid food, that's a good start."

Bexy Amalaryssia: "…His hand?" Bexy asks, taking a bite of stew. "And if he thought it was such a bad idea, why did he let it happen? Unless he has no say?" Her brow furrows, then. "…They don't even give you -solid food-?"

S'vexrha Tchuma: ".. Yeah, people right below Grym in the ranks. Z'quohn and Ariq are his left and right hands, so to say." She reaches for the spoon given, squinting at it before casting a subtle look Bexy's way - and then sinks it into the bowl, correctly. ".. He was gone for most of it, came back a mere few suns before the escape." She slowly raises a spoonful of stew, balancing it. ".. Nope. Us who were forced to work for them got the same shit food the other captives got." She leans over the bowl to make it easier to shovel the food into her mouth, chewing at it before pausing, brows raising. ".. Oh."

Bexy Amalaryssia: "…Oh?" Bexy questions, taking disinterested mouthfuls of the meal. "…I did warn you it's not tremendous. Though better than what you're used to, if what you tell me is anything to go by…" Bexy trails, considering. "…Makes sense. Suppose i should be thankful he returned so late. People might have made better decisions, then. That would make it much more difficult for me."

S'vexrha Tchuma: ".. Not tremendous? This? This is fucking good." Vex shovels a new spoonful of stew into her mouth enthusiastically, quite clearly not lying in her opinion. ".. Not so sure. I wandered by Grym's office at a point when they were talking, first thing I heard was him refusing to release 'her', and I'm assuming that'd be Sayuri." She peers up at Bexy, tilting her head. "..And, fun fact. If you call her Sayuri in front of Grym, it'll piss him off." She smiles.

Bexy Amalaryssia: "…I gathered that from what brief altercations i had over the linkpearl with the bastard." She huffs, amusedly. "That's about the highest praise i've ever had for my cooking, i think." She muses, taking a breadroll to dip into the broth. "…You… Think they will try to take her again?"

S'vexrha Tchuma: "Not that it takes much to piss him off in the first place, really. Or I've just gotten that good at it." Vex flashes a grin, which soon fades as she tilts her head in throught. "Yes. Don't know when, but considering he was looking for her even now, when she was gone before -I- was taken by them.. Doubt he'll let go of it. Or her."

Bexy Amalaryssia: "…Then i'll keep my eyes open. Anyone who makes themselves a threat to her, i'll ensure meets the same fate as the rest." She takes a long, quiet sigh through her nose, mulling over some thought or another. "…I knew the idea was too much to hope for."

...I knew it was a long shot. I've met some single track minded people in my life, and know how obsessive they can become... I'll just have to cut them down if they come again. He will not take her from me a second time.

S'vexrha Tchuma: "I'm sure she'll help you with that, judging from the shit I've seen inside. Folks lost no matter what they did, head outside? Might die by you. Stay inside? Might get sent down and die by Sayuri's hands." Vex gave an amused grin at the memory. ".. Weren't many who did either task all too happily, and watching them scramble was amusing enough."

Bexy Amalaryssia: "And now we're both outside, all the more reason to fear coming after us. Hopefully even those with orders will shirk their duties, some. Fear is a dreadful thing… I don't need to tell you that. But if it keeps them away from us, all the better for it."

S'vexrha Tchuma: ".. Eh, I've grown kinda numb to it at this point." Her shoulders draw into a small shrug. "Grym. Ariq. Vairg. Any other fucker who used violence as a way to intimidate people.. Just ended up being fun to anger." Vex rocks from side to side a few times, before shovelling another spoonful of stew into her mouth. ".. Hopefully, whoever comes across you will decide they'd like to live another sun at the very least."

Bexy Amalaryssia: "They'll be either smart enough to survive, or stupid enough to die. Neither are of any consequence to me, so long as we're left alone." She finishes the rest of her stew; leaving the carrots for last, which she eats in one big spoonful with a wrinkle of her nose. "…So.. Grym is at the top. Ariq and… Z'quohn. Right and left hands." She considers, finishing the last of her bread. "Who is Vairg? I've heard the name. Sayuri doesn't seem to want to elaborate much on him. Ketenblaet… Q'kura. I know the former tormented her as a child. The latter… I don't know. But Sayuri seems to want him dead."

S'vexrha Tchuma: “Some of them have brains, I’m just not sure if that’s a good or a bad thing yet.” Vex finishes her stew and pushes the bowl away to fold her arms atop of the table, and ensure she doesn’t knock it over. “Grym, Ariq, Z’quohn.. Has a whole-ass council beneath that. Arnkel’s sister, Eanwin, is one of them.” She shifts on the spot for a moment, letting her features draw into a grimace. “Vairg? A Viera who relishes in bullying other Viera, he’s the one who nearly killed Eir, and Sayuri fought in the arena. Lost the fight but bit two of his fingers off.” Her fingers tap against the table, slowly. “He’s.. A Trusted, as they call them. So is Ketenblaet and Q’kura. Ketenblaet is one of Grym’s bloody -personal- trusted, which is why it’s so fucking weird that he helped us.. Q’kura is the person who thought capturing Eir was a good idea, and is the only one still alive out of the party who did.”

I should make a task of writing this all down, one sun. Getting Vex or Sayuri to help me. I wager even Mist would be curious to some of this information. ...They were over two hundred strong, once. Perhaps with enough pressure... ...One sun, perhaps.

Bexy Amalaryssia: "…Eanwin. The one who put your collar on you." Bexy confirms, seemingly making a mental note of it all. "…Vairg. Explains so much why Sayuri doesn't want to speak about him. Knowing that, i won't ask Eir about him, either…" Bexy rises to her feet, collecting the bowls to be set aside to clean, later. "…He must have an agenda of his own, if he helped. As for what, who can say." She turns her head to Vex, for a moment. "Rolanberry tart?"

S'vexrha Tchuma: "Yeah, probably the one who fucked with Sayuri's aether, too. She leads the healers but.. She's usually the one who fucks around with anything magic." She leans back to let Bexy retrieve the bowl, before leaning forwards once more. ".. Well, only explanation he gave me was that he was sick of shit, other than that.. Don't know. Aint exactly a secret among them that Ketenblaet and Grym goes -way- back." She turns her head to look in Bexy's direction, tilting her head slightly. "..Sure."

Bexy Amalaryssia: "…Hm. Not much of an explaination. It doesn't shed light on much. Knowing his friendship with Grym, even i would doubt any kind of betrayal." Two plates are taken, and two slices of tart; a quarter each, set on them, as Bexy returned to the table, a fork for each of them set in the middle. "…I suppose prying Eanwin out of the compound isn't exactly going to be the easiest thing to do…"

S'vexrha Tchuma: "Eanwin rarely leaves, not because she's a coward or anything.. Just has so much shit to do, constantly." Vex pauses, peering down at the tart before her -almost- suspiciously, a clear sign she's never really seen anything like it before - but she doesn't seem any less inclined to try it, as she leans over to grab one of the forks, which also gains a squinting stare. "… Why do you want to, though? Just to kill her?"

Bexy Amalaryssia: "…Sayuri's aether is compromised. Eanwin broke it. I want her to fix it. But by the sounds of it, she's not exactly an option. Our medics are talented enough, and i am sure they could, with time… But Sayuri needs her ice to defend herself with as soon as possible."

I know they would find an answer eventually. If not Neoma, Adelle; they are the best healers i know. But as with then, when she was first taken, time is not of the essence. Sayuri needs to be able to defend herself as soon as possible. ...Not to mention the pain even the smallest fluctuation causes her.

S'vexrha Tchuma: "-- Shit, still?" Vex's brows furrow, head tilting. Her brows furrow, gaze lowering to the tart. ".. Someone out of her Trusted might know?" Her lips tug, gaze rising anew. "..Coincidentally, Q'kura is one of them."

Bexy Amalaryssia leans forward. "…Oh? Is that so…?" Her tone holds some lilting sort of malice, painted lips baring teeth that sink into a bite of the tart. "…Is he the kind keen on leaving his confines?"

S'vexrha Tchuma: ".. He hauled me with him to investigate one of your killings, once." She pauses, head tilting. ".. He's a bit of a fucking coward, though."

Bexy Amalaryssia: "Mm… Not the brave sort. Makes sense why he'd attack Eir. You say the rest from that altercation are dead? Sayuri mentioned something about an archer…"

S'vexrha Tchuma: ".. Keely and Hichort. Dead as fuck." Vex opted to finally sink the fork into the tart, prying a chunk from it. "Hichort was torn apart, quite literally, shortly after the entire.. Watching-Eir-kinda-die thing, boasted to someone about his part of the capture and the fucking idiot didn't realise she was being lead by someone else behind him. Keely she stole the knife of and stabbed in the leg and then the throat, then killed five others. Interesting thing to listen to."

Bexy Amalaryssia: "…Gods. I've seen Sayuri fight on a battlefield without the pangs of desperation harrying her. Witnessing his supposed demise and then being within arms reach of anyone who might have played a part in it…" Bexy makes a face, but shrugs. "They brought it on themselves. -When- she gets her aether back, they would be fools to try and take her again. And she will not leave Eir unguarded so easily, now…"

S'vexrha Tchuma: ".. Yeah. Only one she didn't get if they landed in her vicinity was Vairg, which is a fight they made a bloody spectacle out of. He has probably clawed his way to the top of her shit-list with all the bullshit he spouted during it." Vex grimaces, and finally raises the fork to her mouth to catch the tart chunk between her lips. Despite the ongoing topic, she pauses completely at the flavour - offering a surprised blink and stare. "… Fuck that's nice." She almost whispers, before coughing faintly, looking back up to Bexy. “I’d say every single one of those who are there willingly deserve all kinds of bullshit heading their way. Even without you at her side, from what I’ve seen and overheard, they’d probably struggle to recapture her by force. Might not be -impossible-, but.. They’d be some few fuckers less after it. And then even more when you got your hands on them.”

Bexy Amalaryssia offers a small grin at Vex's remark on the tart, intently listening to her words. "…He sounds enough of a bastard to draw her ire, for all he's done. Sayuri… She's a little like me, in that regard. It's far more an offense to hurt those we love, than it ever would be ourselves. If they come for her again, they will not take her without heavy losses, if they even manage it at all. I will not be far behind." She takes another forkful of tart, slowly settling her gaze on Vex. "I appreciate your readiness to share what you can. If there anything you think i should know, i'll be glad to listen. And… If there's anything you want to know, you need only ask."

S'vexrha Tchuma: ".. He is." Vex grimaces. ".. D'khoreh, a Seeker there by force.. Had part in keeping Eir alive, after the entire display. Healed him a bit more than he was allowed, Vairg hauled him to Eir and tried to force him to hurt him." A small frown manages to take to Vex's expression as she talks. "..D'khoreh is.. soft, for the lack of a better word. The mere thought of hurting someone upsets him. I heard Vairg yelling at him and that's the main reason I learned Eir was still alive, which at the point wasn’t common knowledge. I got in his face and distracted him from hurting either.” She muttered, poking at the tart with her fork. “.. I can’t claim to have anyone I love, but if I did I’d like to imagine it’d be the same.” Her shoulders draw into another shrug, gaze lifting to meet Bexy’s. “They ruined my life, if there’s anything I can do to aid in fucking theirs over, I’ll happily do so - even if it’s just giving information.”

Bexy Amalaryssia: "…A barbarous bastard if ever there was one. I'd enjoy putting arrows in him if i didn't think i'd pull the satisfaction from Sayuri's hands." She finishes the last few crumbs of her tart, then. "It's appreciated…" Bexy trails, looking over Vex with some contemplation. "Yestersun, you said you had… Nowhere to go. When you are back on your feet… Where will you go?" Bexy rolls her shoulders. "Not that there's any rush. I quite enjoy your company, as a matter of fact. And the very least i can do is offer you somewhere comfortable to stay while you get your bearings."

S'vexrha Tchuma: "You're not the only one, he's one of the least liked people in the compound and that fucking says something." Vex snorts with amusement, shaking her head. She pauses at the question. "..I.. suppose I could try to.. find my family." Her ears flicker backwards, flattening a touch at her own suggestion. ".. Not that I know where to start looking, really.. I wasn't exactly conscious when they transported me." A hand raises and a finger flicks towards her own head, as if trying to indicate having been struck in it. “Other than that.. There really isn’t anywhere for me.” She shrugs. “.. I appreciate you letting me stay, though.”

Bexy Amalaryssia: "…If he's so despised, how does he still live? Surely there's enough horrible people that have considered offing eachother at some point there, yes?" A brow lifts, quizzically. "Unless they're prevented from harming him, like you." She slides aside her plate, listening as Vex spoke, giving a small nod as she recounted her abduction. "You can stay as long as you please. Anything to eat or drink; if you can find it, it's yours. The bed, too." She hesitates. "…Though i noticed… It hadn't been slept in…"

S'vexrha Tchuma: “.. Because sadly, he has the skill to back up his arrogance.” Vex huffs. “.. And Grym likes him. Someone has to, I fucking guess.” Her head shifts from side to side. “Offing others is apparently only a thing Grym is allowed to do, or give permission to.” She paused, glancing back at Bexy. “.. I’ve slept on the floor for fourteen cycles, and only a bed when I’ve been stuck in the infirmary, usually unconscious.” Her ears twitched, followed by a small shift of her shoulders. “It.. felt weird.”

Bexy Amalaryssia: "…We'll see how he fares at range. I hope he can run as fast as his mouth." A small frown given, then. "…There's a rug on the floor above you, if it's amenable? The floor. Gods… You deserve better, Vex."

S'vexrha Tchuma: ".. Oh -please- let me watch that." Vex grins. ".. I mean, sure. Should be fine." Another shrug. "Eh, all captives sleep on the floor. And misbehaving Distrusted." She gestures at herself.

Bexy Amalaryssia: "Gladly, if he has the misfortune to cross me." She smirks, but it falls. "…At least sleep on a rug. Or use a pillow. A blanket? It feels… Wrong, to make you sleep on the floor, even if it's what you're used to. I dread to think how they've made you live…"

Bexy Amalaryssia: "…Or survive, should say. That certainly isn't living."

S'vexrha Tchuma: ".. Well, you're not -making- me.. But I can try." Vex shuffles back on the bench and tugs her legs up, folding them somewhat underneath her and resting her elbows on her knees. "Like a slave, then a slaver.. And then enslaved slaver." Her lips pull into a thin line. "I never joined them willingly, but there was a brief point where they simply tried to let me 'get used' to being marked. Realising that I was never going to, it was back to being treated like absolute shit." She rocks back and forth, humming quietly. “.. The Keeper and Midlander from yestersun. They.. were my tracker and fetcher. Whenever I tried to run away, they would hunt me down and haul me back.. Hence the Midlander has shot me so many times. He -tried- to be.. nicer, sometimes.. But he also accompanied Ariq when they first found me so I always held him equally as accountable for that sun.”

Bexy Amalaryssia: "…When they kiilled your sister. I… Remember you telling me." Her gaze averts, brow furrowing at the mere thought of it. "…I suppose Sayuri's plight struck a chord with you for more than one reason. I am glad you finally got to impart your own revenge… And i'm sorry for depriving you of the other half of it." Her head dips an ilm. "…I wager no matter where you end up, you will want to hunt and kill Ariq. Yes?"

...I intend to help her. I know... It isn't my fight. Not for the same reasons, but i feel the same obligation. Vex helped me. Now... I helped her. It should end there. But it doesn't. It won't. ...Perhaps it's because of her involvement with Sayuri, or because i don't feel like i've properly repaid my debt, i don't know. ...I'll talk to Sayuri about it.

S'vexrha Tchuma pauses, ears drooping - she nods. ".. Ariq did the blow. Or blows, fucker couldn't settle for one." Her expression sours, just a touch, a flicker of a flame curling over her shoulders before fading into nothingness. ".. I know what it's like to be Grym's punching bag, and I hated to see it happen to her, knowing she had already gone through it before.. And you know, enjoyed pissing off Grym by depriving him the one thing he wanted the most in this world. Despite the bloody thrashing he gave me immediately afterwards when it was confirmed they had gotten away.” She shrugs. “.. Eh, got to fuck up Gala’ra, good enough. Burwenna was a massive bitch but I’m not all too upset about not getting to kill her.” Her gaze settles atop of Bexy once more, tilting her head. “.. Yeah. That’s.. One kill I absolutely want.”

Bexy Amalaryssia: "…Despite all the cruelty, you still have sympathy. It's admirable. Most would have gotten blind and bitter, very quickly." Quietly, she seems to mull something over, glancing aside. "…I know this isn't over. Not for you, not for Sayuri… And by extension, not for me, either. She… Made mention of wanting to come talk to you…"

Had i have lived Vex's life, i dread to think where i might be. Dead. A slaver? Bitter beyond all recognition?

S'vexrha Tchuma: ".. Well, I was a kid. Most of that time I was just.. scared. Then Grym decided my fate was to be a slaver, got marked, silenced.. given a weapon and the instruction to learn it. At some point I stopped being afraid, but wanted it all to end.. That's when I started living up to my name, just pissing them off at any point I could." A deeper exhale leaves her, one brow lofting. ".. I'm gonna be honest with you. I don't think it'll be over for Sayuri until Grym is dead and buried, or dumped in some ditch.” Her fingers slowly drum against her own leg. “.. Well, it’s not my house but.. She’s free to, if she wants.”

Bexy Amalaryssia: "…You wanted an escape. You didn't care much for how you found it…" A small sigh is exhaled through her nose. "…That cliff. You were serious about jumping, weren't you?"

S'vexrha Tchuma's head sinks into a nod. ".. Rather die than go back."

Bexy Amalaryssia: "…I'm glad you're not dead, Vex. There's a good many awful people in this world, and… I can't claim to be a good person, with all the blood i've spilled. But there are good people, surely."

S'vexrha Tchuma: ".. You tore through a bunch of awful people to save your sister, how are you -not- a good person?" Vex lofts her brow. ".. Does the amount of blood spilled define if someone is a good or a bad person, rather than the reason behind it?" Her lips tug downwards. "Plenty of Grym's lot have done minimal damage to people and they're still wandering trash heaps."

Bexy Amalaryssia: "I---…" She trails, glancing aside, brow knit. Vex's words keep her quiet for a long while, before she looks up, and back. "…I… I don't know. I've killed so many, Vex. And they're all bad people. Mostly. Even if just a little bit. I often tell myself i don't have another choice, but maybe i just never considered it…" She trails, catching herself and dismissing her own words with a waft of her hand. "…The slavers deserved it, each and every one. Suppose… I am a good person. To… Some people…"

A... Good person. People have told me before. That i am. Mostly i humor them and nod to save the arguement. I've killed hundreds. Some of them, i even enjoyed killing. ...I'm not a good person. ...Am i? Even if the people i killed surely deserved it... ... ...Am i truly closer to redemption than i first thought?

S'vexrha Tchuma: ".. Sometimes, they don't give you another choice. Even if you try to find one. I may not have known you particularly long, but -everyone- of the slavers you've killed -deserved- it. The only one who wouldn't have was the one woman you let go when she was running away from them." Vex's brows furrow. "Hells, you came back for -me-. A bad person would've just said 'fuck it' once they had what they wanted, but you didn’t. You returned, and have freed me from the Hell I’ve lived in practically my entire life."

Bexy Amalaryssia sits in the quiet. She doesn't have a response for that. Not a verbal one, in any case; her expression holding uncertainty, and an eventual nod. "…I'm a woman of my word. I don't break my promises. I don't lie to the people i care about. I would do unspeakable things for them, but…" Another sigh, cutting herself off. She opts to change the subject. "…Was there anything you wanted to know?"

S'vexrha Tchuma pauses, one ear flattening while the other flickers upright. "..I-.." Her brows furrow. ".. I.. am free to go outside, yes?"

Bexy Amalaryssia: "…Of course. The door is always unlocked. The Karahli are outside, but mostly just going about their business, and keeping an eye on the house. No one will stop you should you wish to leave, and you will be welcome should you wish to return."

S'vexrha Tchuma: ".. If I do go out.. When do I have to be back?"

Bexy Amalaryssia: "…Whenever you want. Vex… I helped free you, but i don't control you. Just… Think of me as a…. Friend. If you want to."

S'vexrha Tchuma offered a slow blink, followed by a small nod. ".. Friend." She echoes. ".. I don't know how to be a friend." Her gaze lowers to the table, along with her previously perked ear. ".. I don't know how to do anything, really. Other than fight and set shit on fire, I guess."

Bexy Amalaryssia: "…Vex…" Bexy trails, then. "…How old are you?"

S'vexrha Tchuma: ".. Eighteen." She pauses. "..Nineteen the last moon of this cycle."

Bexy Amalaryssia: "…When i was your age, i knew how to do less. I knew how to survive. Kill if i needed to. I didn't know how to make friends, nor did i want any; and i trusted no-one. Being a friend is no single thing… I learned it with time. You will, too."

S'vexrha Tchuma: ".. I rejected the last person I met who offered to be my friend. Knew he'd get hurt if Grym's bundle of fuckwits got wind of him, figured it was best to just.. not have any." She rocks slowly, exhaling a steady breath.

Bexy Amalaryssia: "…That was then. We've seen what happens when 'Grym's bundle of fuckwits' gets a little too close to me, hm?" Her smile softens, though she glances away. "…Even if it's not friendship you want… We have the same goal. We can be allies, if nothing else."

S'vexrha Tchuma: "They don't get close to anything else afterwards unless it's the fucking ground." She snorts with amusement, letting her gaze lift up to Bexy anew. ".. I think.. having a friend would be.. nice." She pauses. ".. At least you know why I'll probably suck as one initially."

Bexy Amalaryssia: "…Well, you've gotten my sister and her fiance back from that bastard's clutches. We've fought together. Had lunch together, and a nice conversation. Even a sleepover, of sorts. You're doing better than you think." Bexy muses, lips curling in a faint smile.

S'vexrha Tchuma: ".. If you say so, I'll believe it." Vex offers a weak smile.

Bexy Amalaryssia: "…It'll come to you." Bexy agrees, moving to her feet. "…How do you feel about a walk? I know we… Sort of rushed in here, yestersun. I can at least show you the surroundings, and general directions?"

S'vexrha Tchuma: "… To be fair, we -were- bleeding." She flashes a small smile. ".. A walk would be nice. See something that isn't -desert-."

Bexy Amalaryssia: "Were. We're not anymore." She grins. "There's a lot of nice places. Peaceful. And… It's safe enough, but you never know. Grab your scythe?"

S'vexrha Tchuma: ".. I saw enough trees to know if I used my fire I might start a forest fire, it'd be best to bring it." Vex unfurls her legs to let her feet drop to the floor before she stands up, and moves towards the stairs.

Bexy Amalaryssia: "…In Karahli territory? …Absolutely." Bexy nods, awaiting her at the door, which she'd surely leave through when Vex rejoined her.

...A walk. Wounded though we were, i felt i could do with one, even to clear my head. I've a lot to think of, surely enough... But sometimes, such walks are all the better for company.

[doyouknowbtsswag]

Decay |Bangchan|

Part 1

I looked up at the sky thinking about what to do next. The only things I have are a single protein bar, my keys, and my wallet. I don't have anything to keep me alive. Everything is gone and I'm not going into the shit show city that once was my home. I finally stood up looking around walking to an urban area nearby to see if I can get any help. My car was gone so I was forced to walk. A disease that makes people eat other people sounds bizarre but unfortunately true. If you would've told me that yesterday I would have said you were crazy but here I am walking in my work clothes to find somewhere to stay. I was silent not wanting to draw attention to myself. It took me a half hour to walk to the neighborhood but I successfully made it without a problem. I walked further down the street before being pulled inside a house. I kicked around and was about to shout until the person started talking.

"Don't shout you'll draw attention and get me killed" A voice said his voice wasn't low but more on the higher side. Once he closed the door I bit his thumb which made him yelp in pain and let go of me.

"Ow that hurt" The boy whined holding his thumb. "Why'd you do that"

"Are you serious?" I scoffed looking at him in disbelief. "You kidnaped me"

"Correction saved you," He said looking at his thumb which was slightly bleeding. "If you went any closer you probably would have died."

"Excuse you?"

"Listen there are a bunch of dead guys ahead and I don't think you have the weapons to be fighting"

"Oh really?" I said crossing my arms. "What makes you say that?"

"It's pretty evident, if you were planning on using one of your keys it wouldn't work, it's not sharp or big enough"

"And how would you know? It's barely been a day since this started"

"It only takes one," He said changing the subject. "Let's start as if you didn't try and bite my thumb off."

"Okay?"

"I'm Seungmin," He said holding out his hand.

"Y/n," I said shaking it.

"We should pair up," He said crossing his arms.

"What do you mean?"

"Like survive together" He smiled. "I want to be friends and stick together."

"You know what sure I have nowhere to go and no one left."

"Well you won't lose me," He said.

"But I don't know you," I said relaxing a bit.

"We can go talk in the living room? We can talk about ourselves so we can trust each other"

"That sounds like a good idea," I said slowly as we walked into the living room. "So how exactly did you know that there were things down the street?"

"Well I live down there but I had to leave my house because they tried getting in." He said. "This house belonged to my now-dead neighbor so I'm staying here"

"I'm sorry about your house," I said.

"It's whatever I'm glad I was able to grab the things I needed and leave."

"How did you leave?"

"I hopped the fence and ended up here" He leaned back on the couch. "Where are you coming from?"

"The city, I managed to run out before my apartment got blown up."

"I'm sorry about your house then, at least mine is still intact." He said.

"I just don't understand anything."

"Me neither, I'm just going off of what my neighbor said to me before he died." He sighed. "Attack the brain, don't get bit"

"Is that the neighbor who?.."

"Yeah he said to come here, he was an older guy and told me he was happy to save a life over his even though I told him no" He looked down. "That's why I'm here"

"I'm so sorry"

"It's okay really, I have a survival buddy now so I won't have to fight alone" He looked at me smiling.

"Yeah neither of us will have to fight on our own." I smiled.

He smiled back as we chatted the rest of the night getting to know each other.

"I'll take the first watch," Seungmin said smiling. "Get some rest you look like you need it."

"I do actually" I chuckled. "I haven't gotten any for two months."

"Why?"

"I work in a classified scientific laboratory and we were working on a special case that to this day hasn't been finished."

"Well once this is over you can"

"Yeah I guess you're right" I smiled laying on the pullout couch. "Good night"

"Good night"

———————————————————————

Well here's chapter 2 I hope you like it! And remember ✨ you are perfect and worth it the way you are! ✨

[allegedlyfranzferdinand]

Mockingbird Summer

Yesterday I killed a fish. This is the sort of thing that happens when you go fishing, but I find that I cannot stop thinking about it.

I am trying to imagine what it must be like to be pulled into a great bright world that is not your own, to be gasping and dying while a stranger tries to rip out of your throat the hook that they put there.

Why did I think writing about it would help?

The first time that day a fish swallowed a hook, I was able to save it, or at least that’s what I’m telling myself.

We had a good rhythm, for a while. One of us caught a fish, and usually I would free it. They had brought a little blue towel, but i did not know what it was for until I saw one of them putting it between their hand and the fish. This, and some other things, exposed some fundamental differences in the way that each of us was taught to fish. I was taught to comb down the spines with my hand, to split worms with my thumbnail. It was easier and harder than I remembered, and the sense of my father was overwhelming.

That is not to say that he was “there”, whatever that means. I do not believe in ghosts. Not in real life, anyway. The ghost of him in my head, though, goes on and on and on, and sometimes my shoulder feels a big heavy hand, which is a complete lie anyway because he never even touched us much like that anyway. I guess I imagine sometimes hugging him around the middle and squeezing, but everyone knows that memories come to nothing anyway. I do not want to forget but I am tired of remembering all the time.

The first fish that swallowed a hook was a largemouth bass. There are bluegills, largemouth bass, and catfish in the pond. I caught only bluegills that day. The fish I killed was a bluegill. The fish I maybe saved (maybe) was a largemouth bass, though, which did help. You know that they have taken the hook wrong when you pull them out of the water and they are bleeding. I assume that fish lips feel as much pain as the rest of them, but they must be made of cartilage because they do not bleed, and you can pretend.

This fish was bleeding. At the back of the mouth of a fish there is a little closed-up hole, like a sphincter or a socket, pink like a rose. When first the fish was presented to me for un-hooking, we feared that the whole of the hook had gone into its belly, and was only tearing it up further and further from the inside. But once we got the worm out of the way, pushed up the line like something much bigger on a spit, we saw that it had gone only partway, and though the blood was flowing still, the hook could be removed. I did it, though it took me too long and I am not so optimistic about his future.

That kind of thing seemed never to happen when it was my father and I. I kept trying to remember, especially after I killed the fish, but I could not remember a single time. Maybe I was better, or the fish were fewer (my mother used the word “overstocked” to talk about the pond when I told her about killing the fish) or there was something else unknowable about it that made it better. But I do not think that is true. I think maybe it happened as often then as it did now and my dad took care of it, and I did not know, or maybe I did not care because I was a child, and children have precious little empathy for living things.

Anyway, I thought that largemouth bass would be the worst of it, but there was still my fish to kill.

Along the way we discovered to my embarrassment that the part of the pond shore that we were fishing on was in fact private property, andthe people who owned the house did not recognize me. This was somewhat disquieting, because I think it is always strange to not be recognized in the place that you live. I do not blame him, though. I look different now, and I forgot the right words to say to him.

I caught the fish I killed quickly, and if I was happy it did not last very long because I saw quickly that it was bleeding and I have already said what the bleeding means. Largemouth bass have true names, and so do bluegills, but this means that the mouth of the fish I killed was small and difficult--impossible--to do anything in. I have no idea how that big golden hook even made its way in there. Possibly it slithered in like a snake, with my father’s blessing, just to make sure that I did not have a happy ending, because he hates those.

The worm would not come out of its mouth; it refused to slide obligingly up the thing that had killed it, even while it was helping me kill that fish. The fish twitched and twitched in my hands and the twitching made me feel better, even though in hindsight it is clear that it went on twitching for a while after it was dead. Eventually I ripped the worm up the line and could see the hook, horizontally skewering the soft fleshy back of the fish’s mouth. I could even see the barbed end poking out of the pink, taunting. But the mouths of bluegills are small and I knew in an instant that I could never get it out. I still tried, though I knew it was hurting it. I cut the line and cut it loose and all it did in the water was float there like a dead fish and I knew that the golden hook was still in its mouth because it’s still in mine too.

[joseopher]

HELLO, LADIES, WORMS, HOMOSEXUALS

As we know I check the novacaine tags daily.

AND SCREAMTOBEHEARD IS BACK!!! TO BLESS US WITH A NEW CHAPTER!! AND SCREAMTOBEHEARD IS ENGAGED???? CONGRATS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

GO READ IT HEEEERREE: god complex

WHY YOU SHOULD READ THIS FIC:

FRIENDSHIP DYNAMICS

Sex or something?

Pathetic Callum

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY

Spoilers! Spoilers! Spoilers! Spoilers! Spoilers! Spoilers! Spoilers!

I'm serious about the spoilers, this will make no sense if you haven't read it, IT'S SO GOOD, YOU WILL LOVE IT!

We open scene!

Callum is in extreme pain and...

"He wondered if he could ask Tristan to massage his legs. He’d like him to touch and have his fingers on his skin."

And we love him for it lol

"But that would mean admitting he was in pain and after yesterday’s embarrassing fiasco, he would do anything besides admitting such weakness."

Patheticness trumps horniness!

"Callum was still thinking about massage victims when his bedroom door opened without knocking."

Callum can't possibly, ask for help, noooo he must find victims instead. Yes, yes, very normal thought Callum.

I love how he is written so much

“Wanted to check if you were breathing,”

“Disappointed by the result?”

“Terribly.”

THEM <3 <3 <3

“Good morning to you too, my love,” 

THEM BUT IN A DIFFERENT WAY <3 <3 <3

"It was interesting to know Tristan wanted his attention, in one way or another. It made denying him said attention even sweeter."

Gideon, in the last two chapters: Callum is lonely and wants someone to care about him

Callum, literally a few sentences ago: I want Tristan's attention

Callum, when Tristan gives him attention: I WILL DENY HIM ATTENTION, I AM GREAT AT THIS!

LOVE HIM LOVE HIM LOVE HIM (EVEN THO I'M LOVELESS ARO)

“Who on earth put condoms in the fridge? I thought it was one of those little jam packets at first, what the fuck. Seriously, Libs, have you seen Gid-,”

OOOO CALLUM YOU LITTLE SHIT /affec

"It would be another way to get under Tristan’s skin, which was more important than anything in the end."

CALLUM HAS HIS PRIORITIES IN CHECK

“Don’t try to make them jealous, sir,”

TRIIISSSSTAN CLAPPING BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"At least hatred was a strong emotion. Much stronger than indifference."

My boy has so much trauma, he flops around like a fish out of water

"Tristan wanted Callum Nova dead. Literally, hypothetically, wishfully. In any way there was."

My little murder child <3

"Tristan hated how the fantasies could never go without that. How he subconsciously would long for Callum’s interference, even in his homicidal daydreams."

"If you say so," he said with a wiggle of his eyebrows. Nico kicked Tristan’s shin and got up."

EVERY SINGLE FRIENDSHIP DYNAMIC IS PERFECT

"Are you influencing me right now to do this?"

Callum found a loophole. He can be horny AND pathetic at the same time!

“Yes, I’m insane, my legs hurt. Will my dear Tristan Caine please be kind enough to massage my legs?” 

HA HA HA MY BOYS

"Make him show him just how good his hands were to wipe that smug look off his face."

"He wanted to kill Callum. He wanted to..he wanted..he wanted"

"I hate you,"

"Uh huh," Callum just said before Tristan connected their mouths again." 

Then SEX!!!

I know nothing about sex because I am a sex-repulsed asexual with a low libido.

BUT I WILL READ IT FOR MY BOYS

*a few minutes later*

I READ IT!

IT IS GREAT AND SEXY! <- doesn't understand what the word sexy even means

BUT I CAN SAY THE CHARACTER DYNAMICS ARE ON POINT! AND I LOVE TRISTAN BEING LIKE "I hate you" BOOOYYY YOU ARE LITERALLY FUCKING!

"You’re never interrupting," Callum told her. He surprised himself with the truthfulness of that statement."

I LOVE THEEEEEEEEEMMMMM

"But none of that mattered more than the permanent place Reina had in his life."

I LOVE THEEEEEEEEEMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

"But now that it had actually happened, Callum wasn’t sure if he wanted to brag about it. What was there to brag about? That he had taunted Tristan until he finally broke and kissed him?"

Callum is so scared of attachment <3

"For someone being asexual and sex-repulsed, Reina had probably seen him in more stages of undress than anyone else in the palace."

For being asexual and sex-repulsed, I have probably seen him in more stages of undress than anyone else in the fandom <- rereads smutty fanfics because I NEED novacaine content no matter that I am grossed out by sex (also, like in all fics by this author, they have brilliant characters and brilliant story)

"Callum had to bite his lip to hold himself back from laughing at the way he said the instead of your. Oh, those fools."

CALLUM YOU ARE ALSO A FOOL AND NEED HELP IN THE BRAIN

“What did I just say? Go left Libby!”

“I did go left! You’re just too slow to anticipate and react to it!”

“I shouldn’t have to anticipate if you’d just listened to what I said.”

“If you’d just for one second listen to anything I’d have to say, maybe we wouldn’t be having this conversation to begin with!”

SIBLINGS! SIBLINGS! SIBLINGS!

"I don’t know, whenever someone mentions him having to interact with you he looks like he’s about to keel over." Callum refused to let that statement hurt. Even though he did. "

AWWWWWWWWWWWWWW </3

THEN SEEEEEXXXXX

Today I am going to study them like a sports commentator <- knows nothing about sports

OOOh it's a big game tonight boys! Tristan and Callum are about to have a rematch!

Last time it was unclear who won! Likely because they both need therapy!

Letss see oh, Tristan is making the first move!

But Callum makes his own move with "Did you use it?"

BUT TRISTAN IS DOING THE SEXY THINGS

NOW CALLUM IS DOING THE SEXY THINGS

AND THE WINNNER ISSSSS...

Me, who is eating garlic bread >:3

Now they are going to shower :)

“Please, dear Tristan, will you make me coffee?”

“Well, of course, your majesty, anything for you.” 

MYYYYY BOOYYYYYSSSSSS <3

SO AMAZING!!!!! FANTASTIC!! BEST UPDATE YET!!!!!! SO GOOOOD!!

[angelbluediary]

Lots to say about the new job; overall I like it and feel myself starting to fit in but I am in so much pain right now it overrides everything else. Three days of being on my feet all day in shoes without support and I feel embarrassingly broken. I felt it setting in yesterday, woke up feeling fine today. 8 hours after arriving, I was practically hobbling out the door. I sat down for maybe 10, 15 minutes tops today. All day. Just like I didn’t have a proper orientation, nobody has talked to me about taking breaks and even if I try to appoint myself one, I’m basically in the general manager’s office with him and everyone else walking in and out and in and out and in and out bearing down right on top of me in that one chair at the office entrance, which usually has other people’s shit in it anyway.

It’s crazy.

I’ve used my mom’s foot massage device and gave myself a really good one with plenty of lotion, retired to bed as soon as I could. Found blood between my toes from a blister that formed and burst in the same day, but my heels and soles are what really are killing me. I don’t think my feet have ever hurt so badly.

Well, I learned my lesson. Luckily I’m off tomorrow, and I refuse to go out anywhere, but I’m back to work Saturday, Sunday, and Monday. Not enough time for an Amazon package with shoes I find on any “most comfortable flight attendant shoes” list and hope to god make a difference. I feel like I need two weeks to recover from this, dear god I hope the pain goes away overnight.

General manager had a jerky and dismissive reaction to me enthusiastically saying I felt good about my job. I was literally like “I know it’s still early on and I’ve got a lot to learn but already I feel myself catching on and things are making sense to me, I feel really good about being here.” And his response was “I mean yeah, if I’d had three days back to back at front desk… it’s pretty easy work.” What the actual fuck? They THREW me into this instantly and I just had to swim for dear life with a positive attitude so why does he get to talk down to me like that! The fuck! The other desk attendant, who’s been there about a month now, said that he had an actual orientation and just shadowed everyone for the first week or so. I was answering phones and checking people in before I’d even been given a chance to look through my goddamn mess of an orientation packet (that is filled with contradicting messages and systems/features used at different establishments).

Don’t even get me started on the dress code run around. So disorganized, so much misinformation or half-information or only scraps of information at a time. Just tell me what to expect from the beginning! Why tell me I’ll have a uniform during my interview when that’s a lie? Why wait until I show up in street clothes on my first day to tell me what I need to get? Why wait until I drop my first day’s paycheck on the clothes you JUST told me I needed if you were changing the “vision” of what the front desk attendants are going to wear, rendering my purchases useless!

So fuck it, I’m going to buy FUNCTIONAL shoes that will go with dress pants and blouses and nobody can tell me not to wear them. Not anytime soon at least. That’s where I draw the line because I am NOT fucking up my body for a job that doesn’t care if I run myself into a hospital bed.

And I’ve been on my feet all day for a job before! In nearly decade-old vans with no sole support. Almost never being able to slide into a chair. But this? This is on a WHOLE other level.

[spacecadetspe]

Jul. 4, 2024

I might not remember this missive; I’ve had a few drinks and I’m just to the point where I feel like the sanity or insanity of the past week might not matter much.

I’ve been spending more time with Morpheus and Phantasos of late and it’s wonderful. I’m trying to find ways being better. Always. Trying to figure out how to be a better person without stepping on the back of others, especially Fortitude.

I wish you could hear what’s going on in the background. All of the firecrackers going off. My son is having a great time with my uncle and my cousin having something I had as a child and will never forget.

I miss my grandmother. I miss her involvement in these festivities. It’s not quite the same without her. After reading all of these messages to myself, messages that so few people read, it’s easier to see all the places where I went wrong. Perhaps I have grown some.

Fortitude says that the majority of the reason why we’re not intimate is because I complain a lot. And I spoke with my friend and ex R yesterday, and as a psychologist himself, he helped me put that into perspective.

When I am tired, I feel like the things I have done don’t matter. I feel like all of the work I have put in is minuscule and hasn’t moved the gears forward at all. Needless to say that’s not exactly fair to me, but because of that, because it’s not fair to me, I tend to see in the people around me. And that’s not fair either.

So I ask Fortitude over and over “what needs to change? Am I still the problem?” And, to an extent, yes. I am. But… The majority of the problem can be fixed with a well-earned nap. But I can’t always rely on him to tell me that. Even if he is my boyfriend, even if he is the one I want the most in my life.

I want him back. I want him to actually be part of my life again. Not stuck in a perpetual state of pain and misery.

We went to the doctor finally. After over a year of begging him to go I told him I was getting off early so that I could take him, and when I came home, he wasn’t there. I’ve been begging him to stop donating plasma, but he went. And he wasn’t at home when I got home and that hurt my feelings. I was angry. But I didn’t feel like I had a right to be angry, because we were doing the one thing that I had been begging him to do for over a year.

R still says I have every right to be angry at that. Fortitude broke a promise. he wasn’t where I needed him to be; where we planned for him to be. And we can’t talk about it, and I don’t like that he doesn’t have the energy to get into it, and to be frank probably neither do I, but I feel like it would be better to get it out in the open then keep it under wraps forever and pretend it didn’t happen and keep the resentment growing.

But until then, I’ve at least had some sleep. And some alcohol. And that’s probably a good thing because in the real world, the mortal world, I’ve had a reasonably decent week. I’m more grateful for the job. I’ve gotten the people I’m around. But in the meta, it’s been…

Harrowing.

I got a call from Morpheus recently, where we met with the Fates. that’s scary enough as it is and that never really bodes well. They told us that the weapon that was forged for Dox was the sword that was going to kill one of the elder dream spirits.

They told me that the aspect he saw in the Forge would be the one who would ultimately destroy the Dream World. I hadn’t known.

Dox trained with the Nameless Sword until it tried to tap into that violent aspect, and Morpheus cast it out of him. I trapped it in a compass that Eitri gave me.

With any luck, the Empathy Enchantment I bestowed upon the sword will regulate things, but it also fixed the variables in place. The fatality of the Dream Elders; where the compass stops on the empathy spectrum will determine which Elder dies.

I was crushed. I tried to keep a positive outlook and see the best in the future, but… it scared me. And it has been so long since Phobetor processed me that I didn’t want to let go of Morpheus’ arm.

He kissed my head and promised to stay as long as the wine lasted, and I was so, so grateful he was there.

Of all the things I expected, having Phobetor show up and sit at my bedside wasn’t one.

I missed him.

He stroked the back of my hand and relayed to me that he had stayed away to communicate his remorse. I just wanted him close. And now that he knew, and knew what to do, he was ready to help me process.

So it’s been a few nightmarish nights since then. And I still tear up when I think about it (so long as I’m not drunk, which I am just now). I’m grateful to have Phobetor back in my life, and not have him hiding, even to show his accountability.

I’m so grateful not to be alone in this… and I’m trying, trying to be better. It’s all I can do.

[demented-tours]

The project is simple: Dear World Rage Box. One photo, one text dump. Raw thoughts. Minimum editing. Fuck typos. Fuck perfection. No masking/curbing/appeasing. No apologies. I don't care how this sounds. Not sure why it needs to be public. Maybe it always won't. Maybe I delete these ten seconds after I post them. Maybe I print them out and make fucking wallpaper. Not creating yet another account for this, either. I've officially forgotten too many versions of myself to add another.

///

Dear World 1,

A half hour before my therapy appointment yesterday I learned my mother's stage 3 endometrial cancer might be back. My first response wasn't about her. It was about me.

How the fuck am I going to carry the weight of my mother's illness again? It almost did me in the first time. I was just starting to find energy/strength/reserves to feel ready for what's next.

Those doors didn't slam. But they creaked toward closed like a bad horror video game.

I don't know how to do all of it at once: deal with her co-dependency, her shut down, her undiagnosed everything and my long list of illnesses that I regularly use as a shield from her (from a lot of things) because it was the only boundary I had for decades. Because I didn't know what boundaries were. Felt like. Could do. Should do.

Some people are born to fight. I think I was born to defend. It's how I've never lost a game of chess. I just run the board until there's nothing left. Even if you might win, it'll take so long and be so painful you'll wish you'd just put down your king on move 2.

During the appointment, I told my therapist about the day I had last week which was--and I called it this--one of the top 3 worst days of this year. At least, so far. It can definitely always get worse.

I tell her I'm worried I'm depressed. I'm worried I've been depressed for a while. I tell her about Mom and about the day last week. I tell her these stories with my usual sprinkling of humor. Because I have to let her know Oh, yeah, even though it's awful I'm okay, I'm okay, I'm okay.

I'm not fucking okay.

She wants to circle back to the depression. Her use of language made me think of work which made me hate from my core being again. She asked me questions. I knew I wasn't going to answer the right way. She both could and could not tell me what I was experiencing was depression. I don't wish for depression. I wish not to have to justify whatever the fuck I'm feeling.

It's bad enough to have to justify my autism to my own mother. It's bad enough that every other week or so, I discover some other way my life was fucked up, and I see how I've defended it or transmuted it or run from it or hidden it because if I make other people feel more comfortable, then I win, right?

I feel myself on the brink of full melt down. I know now that these aren't panic attacks. They aren't me just being difficult. They aren't me being suicidal, despite the fact that they literally make me feel like what is boiling inside me is actually going to kill me.

My ambiguity over allowing that to happen still baffles me.

I got mad. My anger is my sharpest weapon. It was honed on the active battle field of my childhood. People who know me know this. People who know me who have experienced my anger first hand either know how to duck or left a cloud of dust as they ran. If you know me and don't know my rage, then you just don't know me.

that's okay. I wouldn't want to know me, either.

(Fuck. Editing. Stop that. Type, goddamn you.)

I got mad. My therapist got uneasy. Suddenly what she thinks and believes and hopes to do no longer applies. She tells me that the reason I may be so exhausted is I'm fighting the very feelings I tell her I have no interest in feeling.

I come at her. "So what?"

I see when that hits. I feel how that lands. Even though a screen. I hate that I'm this attuned instrument for feelings for a 1000 square mile emotional radius. I don't want my own. I definitely don't want yours.

But so what if it's exhausting not to feel it. It feels like death if I do. I feel backed into a corner, asked to defend a depression she seems simultaneously concerned I might have and certain I don't. I didn't want to bring it up to debate it. I brought it up to work on it.

I forgot there's a script she has to run when that word gets dropped into the session. I forgot how tired neurotypical scripts make me.

Nah, it's not holding back the emotions making me tired. It's living in the world that cause them that's doing me in.

Or both.

She speaks. I speak. I find some measure of calm. Less because I want it and more because she clearly wants me to find it. She tells me maybe it's time to find another therapist for autism. She can come with me, she says, but she doesn't have the tools to help me.

Yeah. I know that. But I've spent six years growing this sparse-ass garden of trust between us, and now you're telling me nothing else is gonna grow.

I've already looked into it. I've already found faces that seem kind. I've already thought this. I've already starting reading. I've already been doing research on what the fuck I might actually be for years, now.

But it still felt like another person supposed to help me who basically said I was too much once they catch a glimpse of this iceberg under the surface they thought they knew.

Which is shitty. But expected.

Today I saw this TIkTok wherein the narrator explains to me that he cannot trust his perceptions of the world when he's tired. He expounds on to say don't trust your thoughts when you're stressed/tired/hungry/hurting. They're tainted. Observe and let go.

Also talks about taking all the negative thoughts and bundling them into a single problem. Because then you don't have ten problems; you have one. And likely you've faced it before.

His problem was running out of time.

That video helped me more than the entire session with therapist. Maybe helped me more than the last ten. I don't want to do the math on how much I've paid for a glorified distraction and master class on masking just enough to make my therapist comfortable, but my brain's already done it.

Runaway train.

I also stumbled into some art student video content with horror-like elements that felt like visiting my dark thoughts generator and hearing some of the shit it says.

The algorithm might be evil, but sometimes evil is still right.

We don't know if it's cancer.

Fuck liminal spaces.

Fuck this year. Fuck thinking it'll get better. And fuck the fact that at the end of yesterday's session, I settled on, "Fine, I guess it's not depression. I guess I'll just say I'm chronically sad."

Apparently, that's situationally appropriate.

I hate that I agree.

I hate that part of me doesn't.

I want to burn something down.

/D

Photo: Wrecked tub. The cold water handle disintegrated in my hand after I tried to run it to fix another problem that didn't actually exist. The plumbing was welded into the wrong lines. It was a "Goddamned nightmare." Keep buying parts and finding more are missing. Felt like me.

[theorist-influencer-untitled]

7.29.23 Saturday

6:47 am

Still, having windblow trap... Uncle Jun is already in the kitchen doing his personal mantra and I shouted hey! What's up, Uncle Jun? Then, he stopped doing his personal ( bobbing mantra ) while sitting in the kitchen... Hmm...He should go inside the bathroom... I'm just wondering why Uncle Jun is not going in a private space if he feels like doing his "bobbing mantra".... Is he ohkay? Or is there any other soul entering his body now...

Since yesterday he was just ohkay ( this Uncle Jun )...I mean went to Georgia and Betsilog'z gang ( always wearing their plastics coat )... He just washed his clothes yesterday ate and rested and slept.... He is ignoring Neko these days, angels...

I'm taking care of Neko these days coz I pity her... She is a dog and I'm a human being and Neko is a sweet girl and I love dogs now... I know, I'm now a dog lover... Well, you can just say that you are a dog lover if you are happy being with your dogs. But of course I need a self-fulfillment ( a job ) to have some growth and personal achievement and I wanna prove something...

I feel hurt and I wanna cry everyday if I can't prove myself that thing my xpartner knew me, the one on the papers that I have this tendency to shout or be on my hysterical mode... I wanna have my own achievement and I have personal insecurities even on Betsilog'z gang...

7:03 am

Uncle Jun is now taking his shower in the bathroom...

Whew! I'm still thinking of money and job ( in a lil while ) and still dreaming and wishing to buy Starbucks everyday ( which again,I'm doubting ) but at least I wanna buy Starbucks.... If I can buy Starbucks most specially on a regular basis it is an achievement for me and most specially if it is from my own effort and sweat though I miss being pampered but let's face the reality of life.

Good Morning Angels....I need money and job ( in a lil while...).

7:28 am

Uncle Jun went out already going to the forest... I have pelvic pain, my sciatica/ priformis or pelvic due to pinch nerve???... I wanted to do a MRI coz my obgyne told me to do it but I'm out of fundings these days ( no alms argh! ) and this pain is already 1 year and 8 months since last year of November...

I think I badly need an adjustment on my pelvic or lower back around S bones....Weird! The S Bones...

I have sanity but the situation made my mind on a big confusion...

7:48 am

Hmm... Even the poops of Neko, Uncle Jun no longer cleaning it...

I need a job to buy lotions angels, at least I can still maintain my hands...

9:02 am

Done, watching "American Street Kidz" it is just weird... Coz some are from middle-class that was being kidnapped and they made them "American Street Kidz" and believe it or not, it is the same thing here in the Philippines...

Some syndicate they did that,some said this is an old story, some said it was ordered by a particular "politician tribe" here in the Philippines...

But I'm not judgemental coz we do had have a windblow trap... But those souls we don't know what's inside them... People have their own souls and colors but I'm religious and fair and know how to kill as well and know the value of the word "friendship"... I know wisdom of the world... It is just that some soul could switch into other but harming the other, that I don't like...

1:53 pm

Done ,eating lunchie and still thinking of money and job ( in a lil while...).

I really wanna remove my "deep smile lines"... I wanna do collagen on my feet and my down there coz I feel so conscious now that it develops some wrinkles down there,angels... I feel ugly and old...

3:06 pm

This Uncle Jun can't help me as well even on my lotions and kojic... So, funny... He said no extra money and no item for creditz in baranggay...

5:46 pm

This is really worth it angels! Coz I'm so stress-out and super stressed-out...

Thinking of money and lotions and some kojic soap and other beauty products and my own career... I'm super self-pitying...

6:15 pm

My pelvic/sciatica/ priformis is really aching and my entire left body ( up and down )...

8:09 pm

Hmm....This Uncle Jun seems having split personality... I remind him he needs to clean the floor mat and I just ask a favour to hang the floormats tomorrow coz we don't have extra floormats here, all are wet... He replied that it is raining just leave the floormats there... It sounds that he doesn't want to hang the floormats.

Another thing he suddenly blaming John that's why he is having runny nose now coz of John... hmm... huh? And he hated Neko so much... This Uncle Jun is immature...

Uncle Jun is weird somehow fakes,in a way if he supported you to be on a higher stage after that it seems he will plan to kill you, either dog or human...

Remember angels, from the past years Uncle Jun killed 5 different dogs brought by Uncle DD here...

Anyways,they are both the same, if Uncle DD will bring new dogs for Uncle Jun ( from the past years,it was just for Uncle Jun )...I don't have extra for my lotions and kojic and my original beauty products... My own image, I wanna kill a particular man... I need to get a job and I want to have new good friends along the way and uppish mature friends who can be supportive of me...

I need money and I wanna be happy... I wanna buy Starbucks and I want my xfactor back... Still wanna do some society chaos ( Angels, I need help on putting a confusion in society ) but first I need a group and money and job...

8:41 pm

I have pending credits in drug store and store... The last time my credit in drug store was 3k in pesoses the 2k pesoses were all medicines and I was able to pay for it coz I had small alms from the family and I worked as part time on Mommy Linda'z as her caregiver for awhile ( for 2 months )...

9:08 pm

These days I still have pending creditz in drug store again coz my Nana and this Uncle Jun got sick last, last week.... If I didn't get them medicines probably they need to be hospitalized again and we don't have extra money for now. I'm self-pitying...

The 3k last time it was almost my medicines that I took those 2k pesoses, mostly headache medicines and pain reliever, weird!

People are judgemental on me for these things and some fake politician's family but that's life...

They don't know even some other politician's didn't know that I had yaya's and that I was pampered and introduced as middle-class by my "adoptive parent's"... Some politician's family thought that I was fake and not spoiled... I was spoiled before but the right term was pampered with discipline...

They don't care to know me that much.... They just bombarded me with so many negative judgement...

[waitingformyfavoritesongs]

19 April 2023 Wednesday miercoles 12:59 am pdt

12:59 am 1 am pdt I felt more acid in my brain 🧠 and skull 💀 today. I think 💭 my left eye 👁 is starting to feel a visual disturbance? Slightly from the top. (Rough acid pain 1:01 am pdt 1:02 am pdt) I think 💭 that means they ate that part of my brain 🧠. 😖😭😤🥵 they’re killing me. I guess it’s true. That if you did good things it means you are a bad person? Bcz they tried to skew my logic and block me from completely understanding things so if I fought back even though I wasn’t sure if I could prove I was right, it was a sign 🪧 that I’m bad. I should be more humble. Like yesterday fighting about the showing me he controlled traffic with our thoughts 💭. So he punished me a lot yesterday and today for fighting back. So I guess officially I am bad, unethical. Like Scott said. I don’t know why but I cannot find my before Christmas 🎄 tweet 🐣 of the incubus wearing the Christmas sweatshirt with a Sagittarius ♐️ half horse 🐴 (right rib pain 1:07 am pdt) character wearing a Santa hat 🧢 in his walk in closet infront of a mirror 🪞. Scott’s birthday is Pearl Harbor 12/07, sign (-acid right arm pain 1:08 am pdt) Sagittarius ♐️. So if they are bros then this is probably him being smug about it. My skull 💀 is very thin in the front so it can easily crack open now. Diarrhea still. 1:10 am pdt

1:49 am pdt I’m still feeling guilty about the pizza 🍕 now with my cousin. Bcz I probably should have told her what I thought 💭 I understood about diarrhea, but I chose not to. At the time I thought 💭 she wanted too much of the pizza 🍕. I think 💭 I wanted to restrict her to 2 slices Bcz that’s what I thought 💭 I remembered my limit was when I was her age. (Acid pain top 🔝 lip sharp acid above top lip left ribs side pain 1:53 am pdt) and I wanted at least one slice of the pizza 🍕 w/meat. I started thinking 💭 if my aunt eating 🍽 all the broccoli 🥦 was karma for not explaining about diarrhea to her. I am not a medical 🏥 professional and I learned about diarrhea the hard way through experience. 1:56. Am pdt. Acid brain 🧠 pain don’t know what type acid ? Hot brain 🧠 pain. 1:57 am pdt I had thought 💭 that (acid throat pain 1:58 am pdt) some people have stronger immune systems so they aren’t affected the same way I was. Some people say 5 second rule. I don’t remember when I came to this conclusion. Some people will not wash their hands 🙌 and they don’t get sick from it. Some people experiment with eating 🍽 food off the ground. Some people lick 👅 multiple surfaces like toilet 🚽 seats . 2:01 am pdt so I guess I’m still being punished for it. Pain groin 2:01 am pdt I guess I was supposed to try, but I didn’t. And I guess god evaluated me as being selfish (acid throat pain right jaw bone 🦴 pain right elbow hot spiky acid? 😖😭 brain 🧠 skull 💀 acid! Pain 2:03 am pdt) when I decided I didn’t want to pay 💰 for future dinners for my cousin. But at least I didn’t (left shin pain 2:05 tongue 👅 left hip joint left side ribs 😖😭 pain 2:05 am pdt) I will leave it at that. It’s fine. 😞

9:47 am pdt after I finally went to sleep 😴 this morning they came and woke me up 🆙 with pain: stomach, right hip is now considerably shortened. Now they’re hurting more. I think also rib cage they broke? (Brain 🧠acid pain 9:50 am pdt) it’s not going to stop 🛑. Which means they had the audacity to lie to me my whole life to justify keeping me home 🏠 and isolated most of the time. They also hurt the right foot 🦶 bone 🦴 and started hacking into left thigh bone 🦴. Scott is probably 100% ok 👌 this whole time. Probably Nick v./b. And carter, too. I m the only one who was tricked into messing up 🆙. And it’s serious. Bcz I’m female I am disposable. But men aren’t. 9:53 am pdt that’s all there is to it I’m afraid. I figured it out the last few days. I was never valued so they liked to abuse me. Now they make me fragile and broken. 9:55 am pdt

9:57 am pdt if Amar malek killed Lauren K. And is rich 🤑 now then god wanted it that way. He keeps them around. But if I am made to get caught almost doing something anything even though very little actually happened or resulted from my actions I get the bigger biggest consequences. That’s called being Jesus Christ. Taking away your consequences from your sins, and 💰 paying for it all. 10 am pdt. That’s Christianity ✝️.

10:02 am pdt the Greek philosopher Aristotle? Was he the one that said you only have excellence if all your actions are excellent, maybe 🤔 he said that Bcz he thought 💭 Christianity ✝️ was unfair? 10:03 am pdt bcz is there really truly an unselfish person? Acid brain 🧠 skull 💀 pain. Inuyasha illustrated we are all shikon jewels 💎. With demons and non demons (right butt cheek pain 10:05 am pdt) trapped inside an orb in an eternal battle. Sometimes a touch of a priestess on the outside would purify it. Kikyo. Kagome. 10:06 am pdt don’t remember if anyone else had the power to purify it. Can’t remember much anymore. Kikyo and kagome share the same soul which I think 💭 was made of 6 or 7 parts. Chinese bell 🔔 flower 🌸 and bird cage. Kikyo. Kagome. 10:08 am pdt diarrhea. So what makes a good person really? I think 💭 incubus is only toying 🧸 with us to buy time killing us. 10:09 am pdt it’s only a game. If you are young, he’s more (acid right arm pain 10:10 am pdt) likely to keep you. If you’re woman 👩🏼 over 30 years old he is more likely to kill. He likes to keep man indefinitely no matter what they did. If you have the ability to get pregnant 🤰 he wants you less. So penis or more saved than vag. 10:12 am pdt he lied 🤥 about being my husband. I get it now. It’s not cool 😎.

10:14 am pdt are more saved than vag. Not or. Are. 10:15 am pdt

10:16 am pdt if that’s the case I want to be dead ☠️ now. I don’t want to commit suicide. That’s hard. I would need a guillotine that does the job completely in one go. I don’t have money 💰 or the means to make or buy one. 10:18 am pdt I don’t want my mom to be involved, I wish her to live. 10:18 am pdt it was very hard not breathing. Not being able to breathe 🧘🏻‍♀️ was painful and death ☠️ which I felt for years now. Bcz incubus told everyone I am bad. Either with his tongue 👅 or with bad vibes. No one talks to me. Not even family. They all make excuses to not talk to me my whole life. 10:20 am pdt and some will pretend to miss me but then keep it short and distant. Together even when apart? That’s a joke. 10:21 am pdt painful joke.

it’s okay 👌 for Scott to say I’m bad. But it’s not ok 👌 for me to talk about my s*xual activities with (burning pain right arm 10:23 am pdt) anyone. I’m made to feel like a villain 🦹‍♀️ if I open my mouth 👄 or complain about someone family intentionally ignoring me and disrespecting me and pretending they weren’t. 10:24 am pdt I forgive a little bit once I understand/understood why. It was hard for me to figure it out. But now when I compare myself to other people who did stuff like garrido or Jon benet Ramsey’s killer I think 💭 I was misjudged. Extremely. Intentionally. 1000000000%. But incubus and Scott and probably Nick V./B. Probably went around to everyone they could telling them all that I’m bad. I’m not proud. There are a lot of things that I wish I never did or said. There were a few times it was obvious to me that I was being controlled. Forced. Stupid helicopter 🚁 to trick me. I hate you Merlin 🧙‍♂️/incubus. 10:29 am pdt I once recorded a helicopter 🚁 landing in a backyard in alum rock 🪨 at my residence and the incubus replaced the video so it was the ground not the helicopter 🚁 in the video. Another tool to deceive me about the husband crap 💩. (Throat acid pain 10:31 am pdt) they are so full of lies. They will never tell anyone what’s truth until you realize that they are killing you. That’s what life is on earth 🌍 being deceived about who is your friend. The most friendliest faces will lie like Q’s. Too good to be true. 10:33 am pdt Scott said that to me I think 💭 2010? 10:34 am pdt

12:42 pmpdt I imagine when I die,( left hip pain bone 🦴 12:43 pmpdt)(left hip joint pain 12:44 pmpdt) maybe the whole Bible story will be re-enacted, a repeating of history. There will be another 16 year old Virgin Mary marrying a very old man 👴. The 7 bowls of the apocalypse. Et cetera. 12:46 pmpdt bcz I am sacrificial ram 🐏/lamb and Jeremiah slavery cow 🐮. Guy on news 📰 said something that my dad said when I was a kid 👧. (Acid tummy ache 12:48 pmpdt) when buy something new something has to go out. NBC news 📰.

2 pmpdt my (acid brain 🧠 pain) dad lived in a studio. I’m probably wrong to write ✍️ what I’m about to write ✍️: if Scott is somehow psychic? Knows the future (bone saws 🪚 ready on his YouTube in 2010?) and if he knew already that I was going to take a fall (drawing in summer (July?) 2007 (b4 s*x and probably after one time of making out/kissing (acid tongue 👅 pain 2:05 pmpdt)) Bcz I’m not perfect (backward 7’s in sets of 3 x 2) Bcz of covid (he paused in the middle of making out/kissing in 2007 to put me in a chokehold without choking me) 2:07 pmpdt.... and he ran over the avalos guy on 2/22/2009? Was it? At ≈2 am pacific time, and he decided to only use low beam lights and I don’t know 🤷🏻‍♀️ it seems maybe was there really only one other person on the freeway 🛣 yet he looks over his shoulder? Was that necessary? Was it an excuse for someone who for certain gave signs 🪧 that he knew about “servo” and covid back in 2007 ... is he a regular guy? (Left toe pain 2:12 pmpdt) cano like cane. (Acid butt bones 🦴 pain 2:13 pmpdt) I guess he’s excused no matter what he does. We cannot find him guilty of anything. Like premeditated rape and conspiracy/murder of me, of avalos. So I guess it’s a dead end. Futile. 2:14 pmpdt

2:16 pmpdt acid brain 🧠

2:26 pmpdt 10 minutes went by fast 💨... a picture disappeared 👻 b4 it fully loaded. I guess they were here???? 2:27 pmpdt

2:36 pmpdt acid throat pain. Minute ago. B4 this acid pain started last year they gave me the kiss 😚 of death ☠️ which I didn’t know it until the massive acid brain 🧠 attack soon 🔜 afterwards. Which is probably karma for kissing 😽 4 guys I wasn’t in love with 😍. They do whatever they want without attachments. They are detached. 2:39 pmpdt

2:40 pmpdt the kiss 💋 of death ☠️ Was 2 parts: a very dainty kiss 💋 on the lips 👄 that actually felt very sweet emo (autocorrect: “emo” enough 🖤 2:42 pmpdt) they like to trick me. I had my eyes 👀 closed when it happened. It could have been anybody. They attacked me a lot. I don’t think 💭 I will be alive tomorrow the way it’s going. 2:44 pmpdt anymore acid pain in brain 🧠 I think 💭 will be too much brain 🧠 gone. They don’t show signs 🪧 of stopping. I can’t take it anymore. I’m like that bird 🦢 quail in Bambi. 2:46 pmpdt it’s too much. I think 💭 they’re accostumed to (acid rough brain 🧠 skull 💀 pain 2:47 pmpdt) doing things like this to people so I find it hard to believe that they would stop 🛑. 2:48 pmpdt

2:50 pmpdt

8:31 pmpdt acid brain 🧠 pain 😖😭hot acidic feel left hip area. I guess I have been in denial and I really have a black (acid brain 🧠 pain 8:33 pmpdt) heart ♥️ 🖤 Bcz I was not more charitable to my aunt and cousin. (Right hip bone 🦴 pain 8:34 acid brain 🧠 pain x3) that I didn’t look 👀 out for them more. I once typed a letter to give to my cousin to give advice but I wanted mom to proofread but I think 💭 she didn’t get around to it and I don’t know 🤷🏻‍♀️ why. I missed out on some opportunities to be helpful and I guess once those moments passed there was no making up 🆙 for it even though we still saw her, she was (acid brain 🧠 pain 8:40 pmpdt) still spending nights at our apartment. My aunt was a pharmacist 👩‍⚕️ and she liked cooking 🧑‍🍳 a lot. Her clients usually loved 🥰 her cooking 🧑‍🍳 and one of them to cut costs offered to marry her! Her ex husband was very big and tall. So the 2 combined should have been able to figure out how to resolve the diarrhea. I m not sure 🤔 if I was still confused 🤷🏻‍♀️ or not at that time. But if gods angry 😡 then I guess I missed out. 8:44 pmpdt maybe I was petty about somethings. But I was occasionally generous in others. 8:46 pmpdt

I worried a lot. And that got in the way of my decisions. If I wasn’t afraid 😱 to get a job again if I wasn’t concerned (acid left ear 👂 pain 8:47 pmpdt) I guess I was greedy? 😞usually I had eczema chronically. It made it difficult to work Bcz I had it on my hands 🙌 a co worker even said something about it. 8:50 pmpdt but I tried. Stuff online made me afraid 😱 of medicine and how when it healed it didn’t look 👀 pretty. Since I was 8 years old that’s the way it was almost every day. It was torture. (Acid brain 🧠 pain 8:53 pmpdt) throat acid pain)

[asoulofatlantis]

My current situation and playing Pokemon Purpur

I started playing Pokémon Purpur yesterday.

As you know I am currently a bit... troubled by health issues (as I seemed to have fallen back into the problem that Corona had left me with after barely a week without pain), some work issues (which seemed to be kinda, sorta solved but somehow aren’t - not that this makes any sense, but its really hard to explain) AND there is also the fact I feel a bit lost in the wonderful world of gaming for a while now. After finishing the Cold Steel Saga (+ Hajimari with Spreadsheet) I felt a bit empty and it seems like ever since then I can not find what would make me happy again game-wise. I am trying to finish all routes in Fire Emblem: 3 Houses, but the closer I come to playing Edelgards route (which I am the least interested in) the more I feel like I might prefer to leave the game with were I was last time - finishing Azure Moon once again XD There are plenty of games I want to play or replay for a live reaction, but I can not find myself to be in the mood for any of them, whenever the chance arrives. After playing Kuro 1 and being kinda disappointed from what I saw of Kuro 2, I’ve decided to go back to CS3, because that is my favorite Trails game and I really missed Erebonia and Rean and the Rest of the Cast. But somehow replaying it isn’t as motivating as I thought it would be. I feel like I should have just watched a Lets Play on YouTube and be done with it, without having to play it myself for the fourth time. Don’t get me wrong! I love the game and Rean and the plot and everything. Its just... replaying such a text-heavy and story-intense game is something for a bored week off (with no stress or health issues playing around in the background) and not for jumping from what little freetime I have every weekend to the next few hours of free time I have the next weekend and the one after and so on. Which, sadly, is my current situation.

I have to admit, this is all my fault, fully and completely. I had some health issues like 3 years ago and had to drastically change the hours per week I am working to be able to fix this and was stuck with the (a lot) smaller income for two years and didn’t handle the small amount of money very well and took small loans here and there and used my credit-cards until I almost reached the limit. With so much money to pay back, I had to go back to work full time and its so not working for me. My immune system is down the drain and so is my emotional health (not as bad as back then, but its still not very nice) and the lack of freetime is killing me (not very softly)! I am desperately trying to pay back the loan until summer, because then I have to drastically lower my workhours per week once again and this means (especially with the current situation in the world) that I will have a hard time handling my money once again. I need to find a new place, because my rent has become to much to bear but my beloved cats have destroyed part of the flat and... lots of stuff going on that is stressing me out.

But enough of my stupidness and personal problems. Lets talk about the game!

So after hearing different first-impression-reviews from different kind of people, I decided that playing yet another Pokemon-Game might be just what I needed. I decided to go with Purpur and here is my first impression so far:

- I think the beginning was a tad too slow, but I liked how they introduced the starter, it was really nice

- Giving us a Champ as our rival seems a weird decision and even tho I get that a lot of people keep mentioning that our player is kinda talented, it seems weird that we as a newbie have it so easy fighting against a champ - yes, we had the strength of the Elements on our side but our friend is a freaking Champ, she should be able to work past that. Of course I get that that way, she can be our guide easily, but I really missed the times were we actually had a Rival that got the Pokemon with the elements that is strong against ours and was an actual challenge. Our rival being a champ already is also taking away some of the motivation to best her. She already is a champ, getting through all the Arenas again, even with new and weaker Pokemon, should be a piece of cake for her.

- The whole school thing seems to be nothing more than a plot device and feels weird, given how we make a big deal of entering the school at the start, just to skip all the school days so we can go on our (granted, it is at least school related) journey through the region.

- We have to wear that ugly school-uniform through the whole freaking game. I get gender neutrality and all but I want to wear a skirt and I should have had the right to chose between trousers and skirts. Because I look like a ranger or something. Which does absolutely not fit with my fancy hairstyle and my freaking lipstick.

- Speaking of which, clothes aside, they really made sure that you can customize your character to your hearts content before the game start. I think that is the first game EVER where my character starts with my actual haircolor and eyecolor. You can even change the form of your eyebrows and chose lipsstick with you want. I do think more Hairstyles would be nice, but other then that, I think they really tried hard with Color-Options and different eye-shapes and so on. (Which makes it even more frustrating that we have to keep wearing those ugly clothes...)

- The beginning of the game (tho a tad slow) is rather unique and thus kinda a nice change from the usual formular (although they did try to change it previously, this time, it is definitely quite different - mostly in a good way.)

- What I like the most so far in the game (I am really still relatively at the start of my journey) is variety the game finally offers. You can go tree routes and you can do them all at the same time. So I started finding a big Pokemon for some shady guy in search of some weird magical herbs. Then I went for my first gymleader and now I am on my way to fighting the first base of Team Star (btw. infiltrating their base by jumping into it from a cliff is forbidden and the game forces you back onto the cliff ^^’) and its really nice to be able to change between whatever you are doing relatively at your own pace. You very likely could also finish one route first and then do the other, I do believe that the game makes that possible. Having the choice to do whatever you want whenever you want is kind of nice.

- The Palea-Region is far too big, especially for a “first” open world game in the Pokemon-Franchise. I got lost a few times already and that even tho they have a map where you can mark you goal that helps you navigate a bit.

- The performance-issues everyone keeps complaining about are there but are not a big issue and not half as bad as they make it sound. I have an old Switch (I want the OLED-Version, but I feel stupid to give that much money - that I really don’t have - to buy a console I already have ^^’) and I do believe the frame-drops aren’t that immense. You can barely feel it and the game catches up relatively quickly - at least that is how it was for me so far.

- There aren’t enough Trainers on the street that you can fight with. And the fights are usually relatively easy.

- Especially compared to the wild Pokemon running around in masses everywhere. Most wild Pokemon can kill you pretty easily, because a lack of Trainer to fight with, means is harder to gain the needed level. Not to mention, its really easy to accidentally stray from the path to far and end up in a place were your Pokemons level is just not ready for. I feel like for this game (even tho I usually do not like that method) it would have been wiser to make it so, that the wild Pokemon and the Trainer-Pokemon are around the level of your own Pokemon (at least not straying too far from it, so it will neither be to hard or to easy for you...), but what's done is done.

- The mini-mission before the Arena-fight was weird and unnecessary and didn’t give me anything, not even fun.

- Having a picknick was more fun in Pokemon Sword. Although making a Sandwich seems kind of easier then stirring the curry right XD

- The Auto-Battle-Option is a nice thing, but I think its unfair that you get less EXP for it.

- Also, while the Pokemon all gain EXP after a fight or a catch, they seem to all get around the same amount of EXP, regardless of their level, which means leveling up the weaker Pokemon you have catched is a real chore and thus is kind of annoying yet again, despite the EXP being shared between the Pokemon.

- I do not feel like my mysterious travel-companion-Pokemon is really faster then I, when I run ^^’

So okay, that was ist for my first review.