#i cannot put into words how much their music means to me or what its done for me but. oh my god. theyre incredible

[atlas-dr0wned]

it really bothers me that so many people know the song achilles come down but don't listen to any more of gang of youths' music like ??? achilles come down is an absolute masterpiece by itself but youre missing out on SO MUCH if you dont listen to more of their music!!!

[acourtofwhatthefuck]

Practice On Me — Part Seven — Azriel x Reader

Note: I hope you enjoy this part because I’m not overly happy with how it’s written, I don’t know why 😭probably just me being a DUMBASS. Also, it’s still not letting me tag some of you 😩anyone know why?

Summary: The Bat Boys are worried about reader. Cassian’s getting a little suspicious of Kaeda. Azriel is really, really missing his friend.

Word count: 7k.

Warnings: Some injury detail.

“He cannot do this. Surely, he cannot fucking do this.”

Azriel slams his fist on the table so hard that ale sloshes over the lip of a mug. The atmosphere in the mead hall is unusually calm tonight. There’s more laughter than arguing, and some dickhead with a lute is even providing the attendants with music. But at the centre table, a cloud of doom darkens the mood.

Everyone has wisely given Rhys, Cassian and Azriel a wide berth.

Tensions are high. Something’s got to give.

“His role in this camp is to oversee our training.” Az balls his fists. “Not to get involved with how we spend our time outside of it.” He eyes Cass and Rhys opposite him. “Right?”

“Technically, yes.” Rhys confirms. “But as the overseer of said training, he also has the authority to remove any distractions as he sees fit.”

“Distractions? She’s our friend, not a fucking toy—”

“I’m just putting it to you straight, Az. It’s the typical Illyrian attitude rearing its ugly head. All four of us made the decision to go to Fenlaros, and yet it’s the female who shoulders the blame.”

“It’s fucking ridiculous.” Cassian finally speaks up.

He hasn’t said much. Too busy thinking about last night.

Nobody knows a thing about that wild, impulsive fuck except him and Y/N. He plans to keep it that way. Not out of any sense of regret, but…he doesn’t know. His brain is ticking over.

He can’t help wondering something that’s never occurred to him before.

Is Y/N branded a certain way by Illyrian ideologies because the closest people to her are males? Has she unfairly gained a reputation — one that would be made worse if what she and Cassian had done became common knowledge?

He doesn’t want to be the reason she gets more shit thrown her way. He’s starting to think he should think harder before he acts. Maybe last night was a mistake. He can’t even see Y/N to talk it through with her.

“So what do we do?” Az is asking as Cass zones back in. “There’s got to be something. Do we take the matter to your father?”

Rhys cocks an eyebrow. “Be real for a second, Az. My father would laugh us out of Velaris. He doesn’t concern himself with trivial camp matters.”

“Y/N having to choose between an abusive household or perishing in the snow is not a trivial matter.”

“To him, it is. He’d tell Devlon to lead and do what he believes is right. Which, he already has, even if we don’t agree with it.”

“Well that’s bullshit. We can’t just lie down and do nothing—”

“I’m not saying that, Az—”

“What about your mother? She adores Y/N. Surely she could appeal to your father—”

“No. She’s pregnant. She stays out of this.”

“Then what do you suggest, Rhysand?”

“How about you start by explaining to Cass and I what’s gotten into you recently?”

Finally, Az has nothing to say. He goes silent. Still.

He stares back at his two friends like he can’t imagine why they would wonder such a thing.

And then he purses his lips. “I don’t know what you mean.”

Cassian scoffs. “Please. Even I think you starting fights left and right has been extreme.”

“Fuck you. You’re totally exaggerating.”

Rhysand raises an eyebrow. “If you say so.”

“I do.”

“We’re just worried that your behaviour has changed since Kaeda came into the picture—”

“You know what I’m worried about?” Az snaps. “Our friend who is literally homeless as of this morning. That’s a little more important, don’t you think?”

Yes…and no. It’s not that Cassian and Rhys don’t agree. It’s just that…that all roads lead back to Kaeda. And that’s becoming a problem.

“We’re not just going to leave Y/N to deal with this alone, Az.” Rhys tells him. “We just need to be careful about how we deal with it. Devlon isn’t messing around. I don’t want us to cause her more trouble.”

As folds his arms. “So what do you suggest?”

“I’ll talk to Y/N’s friend — Vegha. I’m sure she can open her home to Y/N while we figure things out. Just don’t do anything impulsive or stupid.”

That seems to appease Az a little. He sits back in his chair — allows himself to be a bit more open.

Until Cass totally fucking ruins it and says, “And don’t go starting any more fights just to impress Kaeda.”

Az says again, “Fuck you.”

Cass returns a withering look. “Fuck you right back.”

“Productive.” Rhys comments, shaking his head. He pushes to his feet, and both his friends look round.

“Where are you going?” Az asks.

“To speak with Vegha.” Rhys tells him. “And don’t follow me. You two idiots will only make things worse.”

He has no idea how right he is.

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It starts with the fire going out. Always.

The door swings open hard enough to hit the wall, and freezing air envelops the place. Your father tracks snow into the house, and he smells so strongly of booze that it permeates the room and spreads like a sickness.

You are five years old. You like to draw things in the soot that coats the fireplace. You don’t like green apples, but red ones aren’t so bad. The house always feels untidy since mama stole away in the dead of night a year ago. You try to keep on top of the cleaning, but the damp and the cold makes your hands sore, your bones ache.

Every night, you sit with your hands in your lap and wait for your father to return home. If he’s coming back from the forge, he’s tired and in a bad mood. If he’s coming back from the mead hall or a tavern, he’s drunk and in a really bad mood.

Tonight is the latter. But not only is he drunk and in a bad mood — he’s also brought company.

Four other males. They’re all huge — too huge to fit into the house, you think. If they’ve come for food, there isn’t any. If they’ve come for comfort, there isn’t any of that, either.

But they’re looking at you, all four of them. And in some way, you know that it’s you they’ve come for.

“This is the one?” A male with reddish-brown hair asks.

“I have only one.” Your father answers, and he jerks a chin in your direction. “That is it.”

It.

“Scrawny. There’s barely anything of her.” A second male comments. “This won’t be difficult.”

“I always think that,” reddish-brown answers, “and then they start fighting back. Kicking and scratching.”

You may only be five, but you are not foolish. Something is very, very wrong. A sinister wave has swept your already-miserable home, and you are about to be swallowed up in it. You eye the four males with wide eyes and scoot back a little.

Reddish-brown is the leader. He folds his arms with an authoritative air and announces, “Pathorn and Yevmael can hold her down,” he turns to the second male, “you take one wing, and I’ll take the other.”

The male that steps towards you from the back has eyes as black as the soot in the hearth. His lips twitch up on one side, and he says, “Come here, then, little pup.”

You do not move.

“Come.” He repeats. “It won’t hurt…much.”

They laugh at that.

You tuck your dirty, bruised knees tightly into your chest and rest your chin atop of them. You say nothing, make no move.

“Oh for fuck’s sake.” His friend at the back says, stalking over to you. “Just pick her up.”

He does exactly that — by the scruff of your neck. You yelp as he yanks you into the air, and on instinct, your arms are flailing, legs kicking, tiny wings flaring.

“Look at that.” Charcoal eyes sneers at those very wings. “It’s a fucking abomination.”

If this is a game, you don’t like it. You twist in the male’s grasp, try to wriggle free, and he growls a curse at you. You growl back — a fierce, fierce noise, you think. It makes the males laugh again.

“On the table.” Reddish-brown says. “Face-down.”

“Papa,” you fight, “papa, papa, papa.”

There comes no response. It’s then that you realise he’s removed himself from the room. Left you with these monsters.

“Quiet now, pup.” Charcoal eyes says. “This won’t take long.”

You want to scratch him, and you try, even though your nails are chewed and bitten, despite mama always telling you not to do that. But mama isn’t here now and neither is papa. It’s just strangers with angry faces. Strangers who want to hurt you.

You’re slammed down onto the table, and you let out a cry. Someone holds your legs down. Another person holds your arms.

You are five years old. You like to draw pictures in the soot that covers the fireplace. You don’t like green apples, but red ones aren’t so bad. You are utterly and totally alone.

“I hope you never thought about flying.” Reddish-brown steps up to you. “That day will never come.”

And then they begin hacking at your wings.

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Your father takes you to a healer only when it’s almost too late. A fever scorches you head to toe. You think that mama returns to sit by your bedside, but that isn’t real. It’s a dream.

You’re too weak. You sleep fitfully on your front, because trembles wrack your body that continuously wake you up. You jerk every time the pain at your back gets too much.

The door opens, and you wonder if mama is returning again. You like that dream. But it’s your father, accompanied by the male who has been leaning over your weakened body for days.

“Will she live?” Your father asks.

“She will.” The healer tells him. “If she can fight off the infection.”

“Can’t you just give her a tonic, or something?”

“This is the worst wing clipping I have ever seen. There are ample healers in Illyria who are qualified to carry out the practice. What possessed you to instead leave her in the hands of a group of soldiers?”

“I will do with my child as I see fit.”

“You may no longer have a child, if she cannot fight this. Her life hangs in the balance.”

Your father makes a noise that sounds like a growl. He does that when you’re in his way, and he just wants to sit quietly without you lingering around him. “Give her a fucking tonic—”

“If she survives this,” the healer tells him, “she will be scarred and in pain for the rest of her life. You did not merely clip her wings. You butchered them. This is precisely why a healer should be the one to perform the procedure—”

Your body jerks with a fresh wave of pain, and you whimper. Both your father and the healer look over at you.

Your father’s lip curls, and he turns to the male once more. “Fix her.” He commands. “Because if you can’t, you’re helping me bury the body.”

No. The males will come back and put their hands on you again. They’ll bury a body. They’ll bury your body. They’re going to bury you. Soil will fall on your ruined wings, and when mama truly does come back, she’ll have only an unmarked grave to greet you at.

You try to move, but you’re strapped down. You whimper again.

Bury the body.

Bury the body.

Bury the—

Your body lurches up.

Sweat slicks your skin. You press a hand to your forehead, but it’s cool, not burdened by fever. You’ve awoken like this every morning for the past week.

The dreams are burdening you a lot right now. The memories.

They remind you, at least, why you will not return to your father’s home. Even if you end up hunching yourself up in doorways and exhausting any other dire options.

You hear a noise from the doorway, and you rub the bleariness from your eyes. Illuminated by the dim light in the hall, a male leans against the doorframe. He watches you nonchalantly, biting into an apple. Green, not red.

“You were shouting in your sleep again.”

You heave a deep, slow sigh and rake your fingers through your hair. Sweat soaks the strands.

“You dream often about burying bodies, don’t you?” The male steps into the room. He flares his wings, and you try not to look at them. “You’re quite odd. I think I like it.”

“Get out, Markis.” You sigh again. “Stop watching me sleep. It’s strange.”

“Is it more or less strange than chanting about burying a body?” He smirks. “And you’re in my house, remember? You can’t tell me to get out.”

“Yeah, well, it’s my house, too, and I can.” Suddenly, Vegha is appearing. She swats her younger brother, and a slither of relief settles into you. “Stop bugging her, Markis. Go to the training rings, or something.”

Markis so clearly doesn’t want to leave. He eyes you, his gaze falling from your neck, down to the old, threadbare sweater that you’ve been sleeping in. It’s Azriel’s — still smells like him.

The intensity of the male’s gaze is uncomfortable. And after a week of tolerating it, you’re not sure you can any longer.

“Fine.” He swallows down a bite of apple. He sends you a leering smirk. “I’ll tell your friends you said hello.”

Vegha rolls her eyes. “Markis, just leave before I boil your entire head—

“I’m going, I’m going.”

The male strides out of the room, shooting you one last look over his shoulder. You should ignore it, because the idiot is just basking in the novelty of having a female under his roof that he’s not related to, but the discomfort has sunk itself under your skin, and you’re not sure you can live with it.

Which is a bit of a problem, considering there are no other avenues for you to explore, and have nowhere else to go.

Vegha shuts the door behind her brother and turns to you. “You slept fitfully again.”

“Yes.” You feel a little bad admitting it. It’s not her, nor her family home, nor the bed that’s the problem. It’s you. All you. “I have a lot on my mind.”

“Of course, you do. I wish there was more I could do to help.”

“You’ve done more than enough, Vegha.”

She doesn’t look convinced. The worried streak in her eyes is an indicator of how terrible you look. And you know she’s just caring for you as your friend, but you can’t stand it. One more pitying glance may push you over the edge.

“I have to get to the crèche.” She tells you. “Can I get you anything before I leave?”

“No—thank you.” You sit up. “Listen…I won’t be here when you return home. I’m getting out of your hair today.”

She pauses. Studies you. “You’re not in my hair. You’re welcome to stay for as long as you need. Ignore Markis — he’s a cock.”

You breathe a soft laugh. But you can’t ignore Markis — not any longer. Just as you haven’t been able to ignore any of the males who have made the past week even more difficult than it already was.

Illyrian males are…are a sickness. They’re bred in violence and depravity. So few of them are good.

And if the past week without Azriel, Rhys and Cassian has taught you anything, it’s that to some degree, your exposure to such behaviours has always been muted, thanks to their protection. They’ve been a strong unit around you since you were eleven years old. Most males have been wise enough to steer clear and escape the wrath that would come down on them for messing with you.

But now you’re forbidden from seeing them, and you’re free game for any fucking male in this gods-forsaken place.

You need to be away from them. To be on your own.

“I know.” You answer Vegha. “And I appreciate you opening your home to me, I really do. But it’s fine — I’ve made other arrangements.”

The look she gives you is dubious. She doesn’t believe you, and rightfully so — it’s total bullshit. “You have?”

“I have.” You dip your chin. “I’ll be just fine.”

“…well I’m glad to hear it. You’ll come right back here if those plans fall through, right?”

“Of course I will.” No.

She hesitates at the door. She’s been nothing but kind and accommodating to you — a real friend.

But it’s bad enough not being able to escape the males that haunt your dreams. There’s a damn good reason for you staunchly refusing to return to your father. You will not swap one monster for another.

“I’ll see you soon, then.” Vegha studies you. There’s a sadness in her brown eyes. She genuinely cares. “Take care, Y/N.”

“I will.” You force a breezing smile. “And you, also.”

She inclines her head, and then she’s slipping out of the room. The silence only gives way for your too-near dreams to dig their claws in. You scrub your hands harshly over your face and push to your feet.

You don’t know where you’ll go. It’s tempting to ignore Lord Devlon’s warning and race back to the cottage. Drama may await you there — a total mess that you somewhat made for yourself — but at least you’d be warm and safe while facing it.

You can’t — you know you can’t. You don’t want Az or Cass or Rhys to face any consequences.

So after you get yourself ready and gather what little stuff you have, you head out into the snow and hope you won’t be sleeping in it that night.

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Azriel strikes at the sparring dummy as if it fucked his wife and stole his seat at the dinner table.

The damn things are supposed to be bolted to the ground, but a couple of bolts are no match against the fearsome shadowsinger.

He strikes and strikes until the object is more or less obliterated, because fuck the sparring dummy, that’s why. Fuck the sparring dummy, and fuck Lord Devlon, and fuck—

“I think you made your point.” A trilling voice cuts through his red mist of rage. “How about you set the sword down and have some water?”

Perhaps it’s just Azriel’s anger thinking for him, but he doesn’t feel that Kaeda has been particularly helpful from where she’s perched atop a smooth rock. She cleans her nails with the tip of a dagger and stretches her wings out around her.

Across the ring, Cassian watches and turns to Rhysand. “Why is she allowed to be here, but Y/N isn’t?”

Rhys shrugs his tense shoulders. He doesn’t know the answer.

The two of them step closer to where their brother is trying to breathe through his fury. He’s not coping so well.

See, Azriel has experience with missing things. He misses his mother all the time. Sometimes it’s a dull ache, manageable amongst the mundane comings and goings of life. Other times, it hurts so bad that he doesn’t think clawing his chest open would be too extreme a reaction. Missing a person is a sensation that knits itself under his skin and seeps into the marrow of his bones. It’s relentless and hideous.

Missing Y/N is a new kind of torture he never contemplated having to face.

It’s not just that he’s worried about where she is, whether or not she’s safe and well. It’s that he misses the silliest, tiniest things about her that he didn’t even know he’d ever noticed in the first damn place. The rapt determination with which she cuts the crusts off her bread because that’s a little too much bread for her. The way she gestures wildly with her hands whilst passionately talking about things. That ruined, tattered journal she carries around in which she scrawls blunt, one-sentenced, sometimes unintelligible thoughts. And her scent — gods, her scent.

It has been one week — an amount of time he’s spent away from her before. But it’s different this time. This isn’t like being away on a training exercise and knowing he’ll soon be coming home. He knows nothing. Doesn’t even know what to think, what to feel.

Other than an overt urge to murder the camp lord. Violently.

“How about we get done here and head to the mead hall?” Kaeda breaks through his warring thoughts. “I’m starved.”

Az grabs a nearby rag, wiping the sweat from his face. “Not really hungry.”

There’s a pause. And then a soft sigh leaves the female. She sheathes her blade and pushes to her feet, just as Rhys and Cassian are approaching. “I mean this in the nicest way possible, Azriel, but you can’t be visiting my father with this attitude.”

At once, this grabs the other two males’ interests, and Azriel wants to groan. Right. He’d forgotten about that.

“What’s this?” Rhys frowns, staring between Az and Kaeda. “You’re returning to Fenlaros?”

“My father invited Azriel to dine with us, that’s all.” Kaeda answers for him.

It had genuinely slipped Azriel’s mind. Amongst everything else waging war in his thoughts, a dinner with Kaeda’s family in Fenlaros had sunk right to the bottom.

But he knows immediately how it looks. That he’s being secretive.

Rhys studies Azriel closely. “And you’ve cleared this with Devlon?”

No, no he hadn’t. Quite simply, he’s not sure he can be within twenty feet of the bastard, right now, without throttling him.

He hates himself for it — he really, truly does. But for the sake of sparing himself a lecture, he shrugs. “I have.”

He does not lie to his brothers. And they can smell that lie on him right away.

Cassian stares at Kaeda for a long moment, before turning towards Az. “That is a fucking terrible idea, and you know it.”

“It’s dinner.” Kaeda shoots back.

Cass grits his teeth. “I’m talking to Azriel.”

“Listen, Cassian—”

“Excuse me—I’m sorry to interrupt.”

All four of them turn in the direction of the intrusion —and they stop short.

All three of the males know Vegha, of course. Rhys was grateful that she’d so willingly opened her home to Y/N when he’d asked. But other than that, they’ve only spoken to her in passing — she’s never had reason to seek them out before.

But what adds a slither of urgency to her rare appearance at the training rings is the even rarer appearance of the two little girls who hold her hands. They’re not supposed to be here, and Vegha knows this well.

She obviously deemed whatever this is urgent enough to bypass that rule.

“Vegha.” Azriel steps forward, studying her closely. “Is all well?”

Vegha shifts on her feet, clutching tighter onto the girls’ hands. She’s never comfortable here, around all these males, but it’s a different unwanted attention that makes her want to turn and leave.

Kaeda eyes her head to toe with a look of distaste. Of mistrust. She folds her arms and flares her wings — a gesture that has the little girls gasping.

“Settle down.” Vegha squeezes their hands. She directs her attention back to the males. Strange, that she feels more comfortable with them than she does with the only other female present. “Honestly, Azriel, I’m not at all sure.”

Rhys steps forward. “Is it Y/N?”

Cassian swears — swears — that a small sigh comes from behind him. From Kaeda.

“I know you’ve been instructed to stay away, and I don’t wish to cause you any trouble.” Vegha tells them. “It’s just…well, she was staying at my home this past week, as you asked, Rhysand. I told her she was welcome for as long as she needs — that she mustn’t return to her father’s house. But just this morning, she suddenly announced that she was leaving…that she’d found somewhere else to stay.”

“And?” The word slips from Kaeda’s lips.

Yeah, Cass definitely isn’t in the mood for this today.

“And…and I’m not sure I believe her.” Vegha shrugs slowly. “My brother wasn’t exactly making it a pleasant stay, and I think she was desperate to get out of there. But I can’t imagine where she’d go. I just…thought I should tell you. You know her better than I do.”

True — except her three closest friends can’t imagine where she’d go, either, if not back to her father’s house. And they can’t imagine her resorting to that.

She has no money for a room at an inn. She doesn’t have a long list of friends who will open their homes up to her. And she most certainly can’t go back to Rhys’s mother’s cottage.

So…where? Will she pitch up in one of the abandoned tents across the camp? Will she spend her nights shivering in doorways and wondering where her next meal is coming from?

This is fucking ridiculous.

She can’t be left to live like this.

“You did the right thing, telling us.” Rhys reassures Vegha. He offers a gentle, soft smile to the girls at her sides. “How about you take these two back into the warm? We’ll deal with it.”

Gods, he’s already a High Lord through and through. Calm in the face of turmoil. Not letting on to his inner panic.

Vegha dips her chin. “Sorry, again, for interrupting.” She tugs gently at the children’s’ hands. “Come, girls.”

Rhysand’s brow furrows. Vegha is perhaps the only other good friend Y/N has in this place. There’s no way she’s made other arrangements — Rhys knows it. Cassian knows it. Azriel knows it.

“We’ve got to do something.” Azriel voices what they’re all thinking, a feral panic colouring his tone. “We can’t just leave her to face this on her own. Fuck what Devlon says. I’m not sitting back and letting her freeze or starve to death.”

Rhys chews his lip. “…I can try to speak with my father. But I’m not hopeful where he’s concerned. This falls under Devlon’s jurisdiction.”

“All Y/N needs is a roof over her head and some food in her belly until we can work out what to do next.” Cassian crosses his arms over his chest. “There’s got to be some way we can help. Is there not any clue of where she might go?”

The two males are looking at Az expectantly. If anyone knows, it’s him.

But he’s just…he’s not had his eye on the ball recently. His thoughts are all over the place. Perhaps he’s neglected his friendships a little — because he could swear he knows Y/N inside and out, and yet his mind is blank. Utterly fucking blank.

“I—I need to think.” He runs a hand through his hair, turning — he stops at the flash of red hair that meets him. He’d forgotten Kaeda was even there.

She stares between them, saying nothing, her face pinched and arms crossed. What she’s thinking, Az isn’t sure. But a thought suddenly strikes him.

“Kaeda.” He faces her properly. “Can’t you house Y/N in Fenlaros for the time being? Until this is sorted?”

Kaeda stops short. Blinks at him. “…What?”

“It doesn’t have to be your home, or…or even anything extravagant. Just somewhere she can sleep. There are surely more options in Fenlaros than there are here.”

Kaeda does not like this one bit. A negative reaction is rippling off her in waves, and it hits Cassian like a blast of cold air. Rhys, too.

But Az seems oblivious.

“Azriel…” The female keeps her voice calm, measured. “You know it isn’t that easy. A person can’t just…defect to another camp.”

“She wouldn’t—”

“So what’s your excuse?” The words are falling from Cassian’s lips before he can stop himself. He’s not sure he cares.

Kaeda pauses. Her face is a sheet of wide-eyed innocence as she turns to him. “Pardon me?”

Cass shrugs one shoulder. “You’ve been buzzing around here for months like a fly. What’s your excuse, if that’s not allowed? Because your father may be Lord of Fenlaros, sweetheart, and he may let you do whatever you want, but look around you. This is Windhaven. His word doesn’t mean shit here.”

Azriel takes a step towards him. “Cassian—”

“Either help our friend, or stay the fuck out of it—”

“Cassian, that is enough—”

“It’s fine, Azriel.” Kaeda’s voice is so deceptively warm, you could melt butter on it. She steps towards Cassian, face open, hands held up in a placating manner. “It’s fine. You’re right. I understand you’re upset, and I…I apologise if my presence here has been burdensome. Of course I’ll help any way that I can. I’ll talk to my father right away.”

Cass doesn’t feel particularly satisfied by that. Doesn’t believe a fucking word, to be honest. His eyes communicate that as he stares the female up and down.

“Cass, I think you should apologise.” Azriel says.

He barks a laugh. “No chance.”

“Kaeda just said she’d help—”

“Enough.” Rhys finally jumps in. His tone is laced with authority — just a smidgen of an idea of what he might one day be like as High Lord. He crosses his arms and glares the three of them down as though they’re bickering younglings. “Arguing back and forth will do nothing to help Y/N. We need to act. I will speak to my father. Kaeda will speak to hers. Az, you should see if you can find out where Y/N might have gone. Cass, I want you making sure she doesn’t go anywhere near her fucking father’s house. By the end of the day, we should have at least sorted something. Understood?”

Cass doesn’t look away from Kaeda. He can see her eye twitching — the way she so desperately wants to push back against being ordered. Gods, how Az can’t see right through her, he has no clue—

“Understood.” Azriel answers without hesitation. “I’ll get right on it.”

Rhys inclines his head. “As will I.”

“And I’ll head back to Fenlaros.” Kaeda adds.

Cassian merely shrugs. “Fine.”

Without goodbyes, Azriel is shooting into the skies — probably hoping to get an aerial view of a sodden, freezing Y/N traipsing through the snow.

Rhys looks between Cassian and Kaeda for a beat longer before he disappears, winnowing — Cass assumes — straight to Velaris.

And then there were two.

Kaeda turns back to Cass. The doe-eyed look on her face is instantly gone. There’s a hint of a damn smirk.

“Whatever game you’re playing at,” Cassian clenches his jaw. “You will not win.”

A soft hiccup of a laugh escapes the redhead. “Oh, yes I will.” She steps closer. Close enough for her cotton-and-powder scent to envelop the male. “See, I always get what I want. Always.”

“Not this time. Azriel may not see you for the viper that you are, but I do.” He grits his teeth. “And I will fucking destroy you before you cause any damage.”

Green eyes glitter back at him. The female is unperturbed by the threat — and she knows he means it. There’s even a change in her scent that makes Cassian’s nostrils flare. A darker one. A muskier one.

“Oh, Cassian, I do hope so.” She says, and pushes up so her lips are at his ear. Her full breasts brush his chest. “I love a male who’s willing to punish me.”

She winnows away before the snarl has a chance to claw up Cassian’s throat.

✧: *✧･ﾟ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ

This is starting to feel like a bad idea.

It was easy, from the warmth and comfort of Vegha’s home, to convince yourself you’d be fine out amongst the wilds of the camp. But the old armoury is dark, dingy and cold, and within hours, you’re not sure you have the resolve for a single night there. Let alone however many you have ahead of you.

This used to be a place of mischief, when you and your friends were children. This far end of the camp has sat abandoned and unused for years, after newer, more effective training rings were installed where the hub of activity now lays. The four of you would spend days here, playing pretend with the old, wooden practice swords that were left behind. You’d make up stories of the area being haunted by the ghost of an ancient, disgruntled Camp Lord. And as you got older, it became a place to come and get drunk, to speak words and secrets that remained there, never to be carried away with you.

You won’t be bothered here, you know — nobody ventures this way. But that, and the fact that the old armoury affords you a roof over your head, are about the only positives. You’re so cold that it hurts. You’re hungry and miserable and tired in a way that has nothing to do with nightmare-filled sleeps.

And gods, you miss your friends. You miss them so much, it‘s a gnawing ache. All those nights you took for granted, tucked up warm in the cottage, Cassian making you all laugh with his antics. Those times seem so distant, now. Is this how it will be, from now on? Never did you think you’d be separated from your friends. And you don’t even know if this is a permanent thing. Will you have to wait and wait until Rhysand is High Lord and able to make decisions, before you can see them again?

These thoughts will do you no good. They’ll only make you colder and drive you to shed tears that you’re not sure you have the energy to shed.

You bundle in your blanket, squeezing your eyes shut as though that fruitless act will shield you from the cold. You were tempted to build a fire, but the last thing you want is to draw attention from anyone flying above. Being found in here will just bring you more trouble you don’t need.

You’re already hunched as it is, gloved hands buried under your armpits — but you somehow manage to tense even more when you hear the distinct sound of boots traipsing through the snow outside.

No.

You can’t do this — not right now. Nobody fucking comes here. Is the Mother laughing at you from above and sprinkling more misfortune into your already-dire existence? You can’t handle a confrontation, can’t handle being told you can’t stay here—

But the door creaks open, and it’s Azriel’s face that peers around cautiously. You almost sob with relief.

“Thank fuck.” He breathes. He’s slipping inside, shutting the door behind him. In a few great strides, he’s in front of you and dropping to his knees. “Are you alright?”

If you speak, you might crack. You risk it all the same. “How did you find me?”

“Took me a while to think of this place, I must admit. It’s been a long while since we were last here.”

But find you, he did. And fuck, his scent and natural warmth are swarming you. It feels like nothing else matters right then. Just you and him, like it’s always been. He yanks you into a hug, and you don’t stop him.

“You’re frozen.” He whispers, squeezing you. His gloved hands rub at your arms, your back, your shoulders. He pulls away to cup your face, and he studies every inch of it. You’re not sure what for.

But you stare back. You don’t know what to do or say. That could be the cold making it difficult to think, or it could be this weird wedge between you that feels like it’s only growing.

Az leans closer, and he presses his forehead against yours. “I miss you.” His gloves brush over your cheeks. “Gods, I miss you. So much.”

“I miss you, too.” You shudder. The words are weighty and truthful, not just referring to this past week apart, but to whatever has been going on for a while, now. You didn’t mean for it to be like this. You just want to go back to how it was.

“I’ve thought about nothing else—” His nose bumps against yours, and one of his hands slides to the nape of your neck, kneading the skin there. “I just—just need you close to me, Y/N. Always.”

You attempt a breathy laugh. “I don’t think Devlon would agree with that.”

“Fuck, Devlon. We’re going to get around this. Rhys is going to talk to his father, and even if that fails, Kaeda is talking to hers. I reckon they’ll be able to offer you sanctuary in Fenlaros until this is sorted—”

You pull back to blink at him. Study him. “What?”

“I asked Kaeda to speak with her father on your behalf. To see if they can find somewhere for you to stay. I’m sure they can—”

“Azriel, I’m not going to Fenlaros.”

He pauses. “…If they’ll have you, Y/N, yes you are. It means you’ll be safe and warm and fed—”

“No.”

“What? Why?”

“Besides the fact that I’m already in enough trouble thanks to that place?” You pull away from him, easing to your feet. “I don’t know anyone there. And if Devlon were to find out—”

“Stop worrying about Devlon and start worrying about your safety.” Azriel, too, stands. “It’s the most logical thing.”

“No, it isn’t.”

“Y/N.”

“I’m not going further away from you than I already am, and I’m especially not going to start playing house with your lover, Azriel, it’s odd—”

“That’s what this is about?” He cocks an eyebrow. Folds his arms. “Because you don’t want to accept help from Kaeda?”

You shrug. And just…just to give your body something to do, you begin pacing. “I’m not sure it would be very helpful at all.”

“You’re being ridiculous.”

“No, I’m not.”

“You just don’t like her, do you?” He snaps. The sound is harsh, and it makes you grit your teeth. “You’re not willing to accept help that you so clearly fucking need, because you don’t like Kaeda.”

“I don’t trust Kaeda.” You whirl around to face him. “Not one fucking bit, and you shouldn’t, either.”

“Why?”

“Because none of it makes sense! Why is she here in Windhaven, Azriel? What is it she actually wants?”

It’s dangerous — the way your voices are rising in volume and echoing around the armoury. But it’s as though weeks of emotional buildup are floating to the surface, and you can’t stop them, and they’re stoking an anger that actually warms you and feels better than being cold and hungry.

Azriel shakes his head. “You’re fucking impossible sometimes, you know that? You don’t want to help yourself. It’s like you’re determined to make your life as difficult as possible, and when you’re offered help, you don’t take it. You’re impossible!”

“Yeah, Azriel, maybe I am.” You snap back. “But at least I’m not lying through my teeth like Kaeda is, and at least I don’t break my damn promises.”

Azriel stops short. Stares at you.

You and he both know you’re referring to Solstice Night. You should have confronted it before, but…but you buried it.

You’re not sure you can do that anymore.

Azriel purses his lips. And then has the nerve to state, “Things are different between you and I these days.”

“Yes.” You stare back at him. “They are.”

Your eyes are trying to communicate so much. Things are different, and it might be the boundaries you crossed, but you’re more certain than anything that it’s Kaeda’s influence. You just don’t understand why Azriel can’t see it.

You wonder what he might say yet. So much anger and pent-up frustration zips between you. Mixed with longing and missing each other. Loving each other. Wanting to scream at each other, and for each other.

And part of you wants him to spit vicious words and fight back, just for you to feel something — even though you know that’s not Azriel’s style. But you stare and stare, and neither of you speak, and then Az is shaking his head and clenching his jaw.

“I’m not arguing with you here.” He says. “It’ll only draw attention to us.”

You fold your arms. “Fine.”

“I’m going to speak to Rhys, find out what his father said. And I’ll speak to Kaeda—”

“Go right ahead. I’m still not stepping foot back in Fenlaros—”

“And I’ll bring you some blankets and food. Or Cassian will. Or…whatever.” He stops still for a second, swallowing. “But we need to fix this shit between us.”

You know that. But you’re so fucking stubborn, your own worst enemy. And right then, you want to scream. Cry. Hurt him how he hurt you.

So you say nothing. You just shrug again.

He stares, as if waiting for a better reaction. And then he shakes his head once more and turns, striding back to the door. You wonder if it’s a bad thing to let him go, like this. When will you see him again? How will things be when you see him again? You’re making it worse for yourself, for him, for both of you.

You open your mouth — to say what, you’re not sure. But you’re stopped by Az pausing with his hand on the doorknob. With his back to you, his shoulders tense. He’s frozen in place.

And then he speaks — growls — two words. “Fuck this.”

He turns, marching back over to you so fast, you don’t have time to react.

And then he’s grabbing your face, and his mouth is on yours.

azriel tags: @dream-alittlebiggerdarling @sirenpearldust @queercodedcharacter @azriels-shadowsinger @ruler-of-hades @demi03 @magicaldragonlady @abrielletargaryen @ralsieq @v3lv3tf0x @achase2002 @feyretopia @hayrunnwr @don’t-feed-the-hipsters @brekkershadowsinger @piceous21 @bloodicka @acourtofinkandpapyrus @riri-is-agirlie @siriusement @4valyries @socmono @azriels-mate123 @acourtofbatboydreams @katherinearcheron @nesemi @lupinswolfsbanes @dreaming-unafraid @dxnniiix @cyrygher @liddyr03 @lmllsl @nightless @teenageeggscissorslawyer @brighterthanlonelythoughts @blitz-fall @maybefoxysouls @mschanand1erbong @juiceboxreads @bangtanbecks @florencemtrash @hyemishii @obixix @thenovarose @meshellexplosionmurder @angzlxna @lissy31xoxo-blog @supernatural99 @positivewitch @art3-m1ss @milfhunter-pdx @bbuckysbeardd

[anxiousalene]

MY THOUGHTS ON THE WISDOM SAGA ⌛️

USUALLY, I PUT THIS IN CHRONOLOGICAL ORDER BUT WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL THERE IS NO WAY ATHENA JUST DIED. I REFUSE IT HOW DARE ZEUS SHE WAS MY FAVORITE WHAT THE HELL. (That was me last night) OKAY SO I LOVE MICO’S VOICE ITS SO ADORABLE AND IN THE ANIMATIC WE GET TO SEE ARGOS! I KNOW THIS HAS BEEN SAID BEFORE BUT I LOVE THE FACT THAT WHEN TELEMACHUS SOMEONE SEND ME A SIGN WE HEAR ATHENA’S MOTIF. ALSO ANTINOUS CAN MEET ME IN THE PARKING LOT IF HE KEEPS TALKING ABOUT PENELOPE LIKE THAT. DONT YOU DARE DISRESPECT MY GIRL. ALSO WE FINALLY GET TO HEAR THE “Whatchu gonna do about it champ?” AND ITS SO GOOD. ALSO THE FACT THAT TELEMACHUS SAYS “IF I FIGHT THIS MONSTER IS IT YOU I’LL FIND” BECAUSE HIM AND ODYSSEUS GET REUNITED WHEN THEY ARE SLAUGHTERING THE SUITORS AND BECAUSE ODYSSEUS HAS BECOME THE MONSTER THAT TELEMACHUS WILL FIND. I LOVE THE VIDEO GAME FEELS WITH LITTLE WOLF, ANTINOUS BEATING THE CRAP OUT OF TELEMACHUS AND ATHENA BEING LIKE NAHHH AND JUMPING IN AND ATHENA TEACHING HIM TO FIGHT WITH QUICK THOUGHT IS SO CUTE. THE DUET BETWEEN MICHO AND TEAGAN IS GOOD LIKE HOW ARE THEY HITTING THOSE NOTES??? The fact that Athena is still so upset about the whole Odysseus thing is heartbreaking 💔. ITS SO COOL TO SEE HER GO THROUGH THE PAST SAGAS and then we see…CALYPSO! Barbara Wangui’s voice is just so vibey like THE CAST FOR THIS SHOW IS JUST PERFECT. Poor Odysseus being stuck with Calypso and literally just suffering. That man is TRAUMATIZED. ALSO IS POLITIES EVER GOING TO STOP HAUNTING ODYSSEUS AND THE NARRATIVE LIKE I DONT NEED THAT GUT PUNCH EVERY SAGA. AND THE FACT ODYSSEUS CALLED OUT FOR ATHENA IS JUST AHHHHH. Then the one I have been waiting for GOD GAMES! I Love how Apollo and Hephaestus are both like he did this thing and I’m like kinda upset and Athenas like nah he didn’t mean it, and they’re like Okay!! He can go! I CANNOT GET OVER ALL THE THOUGHT THAT GOES BEHIND THE MUSIC ITS SELF, LIKE THE TINKERING IN THE BACKGROUND FOR HEPHAESTUS AND THE FACT THAT ITS JORGE’S DAD ITS JUST AGHHH. THEN J. MAYA COOKING AS APHRODITE, HER VOICE JUST SOOTHES MY BRAIN. AND THEN ARES COMING IN AND ATHENA BEATING HIM AND THEY BOTH BEGRUDGINGLY LET HIM GO, love how Jay paired them up. Hera’s music is so like funky and fun and Athena knows EXACTLY how to get her stepmom to pick her side in the father-daughter argument. BUT BECAUSE ZEUS IS SUCH A SORE FREAKING LOSER AND HE CANT ACCEPT THAT HIS DAUGHTER WON FAIR AND SQUARE…HE ATTACKS HER, Like Holt’s voice is GENUINELY terrifying, you can get the rumbling in his voice like THUNDER. I LITERALLY STARTED CRYING WHEN I SAW ATHENA GETTING HANDED A BABY TELEMACHUS AND THE WARRIOR OF THE MIND MELODY PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND AND THE FACT THAT ATHENAS (ALLEGED) LAST WORDS WERE HER BEGGING ZEUS TO LET ODYSSEUS FREE. LIKE HOW COULD JAY DO THAT TO ME. THIS SAGA WAS DEVASTATING BUT ABSOLUTELY AMAZING PER USUAL. I APPRECIATE THE CAST AND THE PEOPLE BEHIND THE SCENES SO MUCH

[bridgyrose]

Ruby felt her heart race as a blush crossed her cheeks, her eyes glued on Weiss and Penny as she watched them dance. There wasnt a party or a gala, no dresses or tuxedos, no reason at all for the two to dance beyond enjoying the music and wanting to dance together, and yet, all she could do was watch and fall in love with the two all over again. The smiles on their faces made her heart flutter, the laughter that left their lips made her blush deepen, the joy that they felt with the little things reminding her why she fell for them in the first place.

“Slow down,” Penny said between a few laughs. “You know I cannot keep up with you like this.” 

“You knew what you were getting into when you picked me to dance with,” Weiss laughed with a smirk as she twirled Penny around. “But dont worry, the song is almost over.” 

Ruby smiled as she watched the two start to wind down as the song finished, her cheeks still as red as her cloak once they finished with Weiss holding Penny close. She looked away to hide her blush and calm her heart, her voice cracking as she spoke. “We really should finish packing. If we’re late again- “

“Blake will understand if we’re late,” Weiss interrupted as she let go of Penny. “Unless you’re jealous you didnt get to dance with me.” 

Ruby nearly froze as she felt Weiss put a finger under her chin and move her head until she was staring deep into pale blue eyes. Her cheeks started to heat up as her blush deepened more, her fingers twitched as she desperately wanted to reach out and place her hand on Weiss’s cheek. She was close enough to kiss, close enough to pull close to hold, close enough to finally ask her to be hers.

She finally pulled away and cleared her throat and looked away. “I-I think I need some air.” 

Penny smiled a bit and took Ruby’s arm. “Then we can go for a walk. We have been packing for a while now.” 

Weiss sat down. “You both can go. Its still a bit too warm for me to go out right now. Just dont be out for too long.” 

Ruby nodded and made her way to the door, trying to ignore the fact that Penny was still holding her arm. Her heart ached to tell Penny and Weiss how she felt, to finally ask them out on a date like she had wanted to for years, but seeing the two together, seeing them date each other… It made her nervous that she was going to ruin the friendship she enjoyed with them. 

“Is everything alright, Ruby?” Penny asked once they were outside. “Your face is still red and your body seems warmer than usual.” 

“I-I’m fine,” Ruby answered quietly. “Its nothing to worry about.” 

“Are you sure? The only time I’ve ever seen Weiss get red like that is when she is sick.” 

“I guess you could call it a bit of a sickness.” Ruby took a deep breath as she walked down the street, letting her mind focus on smells of baked bread from the nearby bakery, the sounds of cars passing by on the roads, and the feel of a slight breeze on her skin to take her mind off her feelings for Weiss and Penny. “But its not a bad sickness. An annoyance but not bad.” 

Penny looked a bit confused. “And how is that an annoyance?” 

Ruby went quiet as she looked for the right words to say. Annoyance wasnt quite right either, but she wasnt sure how to describe it. “Lovesick” didnt seem to feel quite right, she wasnt exactly sick of the feeling. No, quite the opposite. The love she felt made her feel more human and less like a weapon for Ozpin to wield. And yet, no matter how much she wanted to say something, it never felt… right. Like it wasnt deserved. 

“It gets in the way,” Ruby finally answered with a lie. “Clouds my judgment, makes it harder for me to focus on what really matters… stuff like that.” 

“Is that why your heart rate increased when Weiss touched you?” 

“No… I mean… not entirely…” Ruby let out a soft sigh and pinched the bridge of her nose. “Right, you would notice that, wouldnt you?” 

Penny nodded with a smile. “It also seems to happen when you are with me. Just like it does when Weiss is around me.” 

“Can we talk about this later? After we visit Blake and Yang?” 

“Winter always says that you should never avoid talking about your feelings.” 

“That’s… ironic coming from her.” 

“She means well, even if she does not follow her own advice.” 

“Yeah, but… its easier said than done. I dont want to ruin anything.” 

“And what would you ruin?” 

“Our friendship.” Ruby slowed down her pace as she tried to focus on everything around her. The sounds of the dogs barking, the smells of the flower stands, the feel of the heat of the sun. None of it enough to take her mind off the conversation. “Weiss and I have been friends for years, about as long as you and I have. But if I try to talk to her about… this-” 

“Then I think you will make her happy,” Penny interrupted. “She has been trying to find a way to tell you that she wants you to join us. And… and I think I would like that too.” 

Ruby looked over at Penny to see a blush run across her freckled cheeks. It was strange to see her look so flustered, usually being the calm one between her and Weiss. And to see her blush, to feel her fingers brush up against her own and to feel her lean against her… it was almost everything she wanted. “And you’re sure she wants me like that?” 

Penny nodded. “Knowing her, she will probably be coming up with a way to ask.” 

Ruby nodded and started to walk Penny back to the apartment, smiling a bit as she held Penny close. “Then I’ll let her ask.” 

“But please make sure to look surprised when she does.” 

“Dont worry, I will.” Ruby relaxed a bit as she made her way back, stopping at the door when she started to smell some cookies along with fried fish she hadnt had in years. With a deep breath, she walked in and smiled, ready to finally talk to Weiss. 

[dualityvn]

Hey Nightmare! I replayed your game recently and wanted to explain why I chose music in the survey. I love the game on almost all of its sides, and a lot of them just stayed with me. The sprites are so afshsg, Keith's smug expression portrays a lot of the character that I saw in the blog when he gains confidence. His jealous/worried expression frightens me because he looks very unstable. And about Tene, he really looks like the socially awkward /and dangerous/ dork he is. I can see when he's nervous and when he's relaxed. I can read his face and not misunderstand when making choices around him. Their sprites are more than good for me, they're charming. If I have to be picky I'd say maybe the backgrounds could improve. The characters don't mix well with it, but sometimes that's good because contrast;; and also gives you a mysterious, foggy vibe like everything is just a bad dream and you don't know what is going to happen.

I love the writing too, especially the last date! I got the scary vibe (and the fae painting was great!), it gave me chills. The writing stays with me during my daily life, I love the dialogues and I repeat them all through my brain. I like how you show things, imply things instead of just saying them. I like that the MC is smart enough to know what to do in different, unexpected situations. If anything, I think you could make that feel more natural. For example, sometimes you can choose "I'm not scared" after a scene that freaked your character out. Maybe make us choose the option earlier and show during different scenes how the MC is not scared, that way MC's acts match their words. Still, the writing is awesome for me. The romantic scenes just make me all giddy amdjsk, I wouldn't change a thing about that, and the MC's options during them (i like that I have the option to say I'd put a collar on tenebris, and you can also not be into that just bc tene is). But ofc changing the writing and art is up to you! I shouldn't mention this because it's evident but it's your game and more important than making a game that people will enjoy is making a game that you'll enjoy making and you're satisfied with!

My point is (sorry that was long!) the only thing I don't remember after closing the game is the music. I slightly remember Tene's main theme (which I find funny when it starts playing because it's like HELL YES TENE IS HERE TO MAKE TROUBLEEEE BABY) but the rest doesn't really stick with me. This doesn't mean it's bad, it's actually good but I know it could be better, it could add a lot more than it does. There are some moments when the music goes off (like the first date) which I don't think is a good moment to go off because you usually get worried/scared when that happens. Walking home after the date during night should feel more tiring and nostalgic, yet romantic. There should be a way to differentiate a happy charming, magical night with the boys from a calm, nostalgic nightly path. And if there's a way to add more life to a VN, that's music! It doesn't have to be a masterpiece, but feel more 'full of life' if you get me.

I hope my review is useful and not bothering agshsgs. This is all me trying hard to find things that could be better. The demo is already so so good as it is! I was surprised to see the survey in the first place when you're already doing great and hard work. If you have to point a gun at me to choose, music is my choice. I think a lot of VNs underestimate it (not that I think you do!). I say this as a person who used to undervalue music, I can draw and write but cannot make music to save my life, I suck at it 😭 but now I wouldn't be satisfied until finding the perfect piece.

Take what I say with a grain of salt Nightmare!! Thank you for giving us this masterpiece already. 🙇 Hope you're doing great!!

Hi! Thank you for your feedback and for all the praise! 💕

Honestly, I absolutely get where you're coming from in terms of the music. But sadly, music is something I can't do all that much about. I don't have the budget to hire a composer, so I'm stuck with using whatever royalty free music I can find. I will try to plan it out a little better in terms of when certain tracks play, though!

[naylor]

you know what annoys me of the taylor swift album release cycle? the incessant, unnecessary comments the general public and even some people in the fandom make about how taylor "always victimises herself for no reason", or how she "loves to play the victim when she's just a rich popstar without real problems", and more recently that she "shouldn't use words like intrusive thoughts, trauma, and emotional abuse to talk about what's happened to her or her experiences with anxiety because she doesn't know what that's like". it fucking infuriates me.

taylor swift acts and writes like a victim because, quite simply, she's been made one, point black, end of the sentence. she should be allowed to write about her experiences with abuse, any type of abuse from any source, without people deciding for her if it was actually abusive or traumatic, or policing her choice of coping mechanism.

people's unwillingness to accept and acknowledge much of what taylor has gone through during her career as abuse and trauma is baffling to me because i honestly can't think of a term that describes it better.

she has been made fun of and ridiculised by the media since she was a child for doing things children and teenagers do (be naive about love, write about boys, go on dates, dress age appropriate), she's been slut shamed by everyone on the internet for dating a less than average amount, she's gone through public humiliation on a mass scale twice now (the first one when she was just nineteen) by a much older, well respected, established male artist, she has been abused by men both professionally and emotionally, she was made an example of what girls ought not to do or be lest you end up just like her, she's been isolated since childhood because she never felt she fit in with the rest.

she's gone through all of those things while at the same time being gaslighted (and i'm using this word in its original clinical meaning and not the internet meme one) into thinking none of that was as bad as she's making it out to be and she ended up okay so it can't have caused her real trauma because nothing happened, it was all fine and a joke. these are things we recognise as hurtful, abusive, and traumatic in other people but as soon as they're experienced by someone who copes with it through writing music she then sells for a profit then suddenly it's not and she's exaggerating it for attention.

she talks about herself in the same hyper-aware, hyper-vigilant, anxious way victims of abuse and survivors of high stress situations do and that's why her music resonates with so many of us who have been abused in the past as well, because she's putting into words things we experience on the daily and i genuinely don't think it's because she wants to. no one wants to go through those things and then go through a new cycle of humiliation every time you talk about your experiences just to make a few dollars.

it's maddening that the attitude most people take when discussing her trauma is to minimise it or straight up deny it because she was able to transform some of that pain into a #1 single

i don't ask people to sympathise or feel bad about her but to accept that we have agreed that online bullying and dog piling on a mass scale is abusive and traumatic, that women being taken advantage of by the male superiors is traumatic, that women being slut shamed for enjoying their sexuality is abusive and traumatic, that being in relationships where your partner is volatile is traumatic, that being coerced and manipulated into relationships with older men is abusive, that being retaliated against in public after revealing you were sexually assaulted is traumatic; so why should none of that apply to her? why is she not allowed to be vocal about being in all those situations without someone telling her she's not gone through actual trauma? why does everyone gets to decide for her whether or not she's actually been abused and if she can or cannot claim victimhood?

accepting taylor's abuse and her victimhood does nothing to take away from yours or that of others. accepting that she's allowed and entitled to discuss her experiences doesn't silence you. you don't have to like her but to dismiss her is disrespectful because when you do that you're not only dismissing her own experiences with abuse and trauma, but that of people in similar situations who empathise and identify with her.

TL;DR: taylor doesn't write about being a victim nearly as much as the people trying to discredit her work say she does, but if she did she would be entirely justified in it because she has been in a lot of situations where she's been victimised and abused by people who knew what they were doing to her and you don't get to decide if she was sufficiently traumatised by them or not. recognising taylor's experience with abuse does nothing to minimise or invalidate yours, two people can be abused in two different ways and doesn't mean one is less entitled to compassion. it's not a competition.

[desk-of-nekostar]

All right. WHERE are my petemacau girlies. Where is my vegaspetemacau fic where macau says “hia if you don’t marry p’pete I will.” Where is Macau saying “I will be p’pete’s second husband.” And Vegas saying “hey. Hey where the fuck am i in this situation.” Pete saying “we’re not even married. Wait. Are we?” And Macau saying “don’t even worry about it. Btw what do you think about a spring wedding?”

WHERE is the obnoxious Macau going “and my brother in law said this and then my brother in law did that and did I mention that my brother in law—“ Macau having the BIGGEST crush on p’pete and chay being like “wow you are more embarrassing than me about p’kim. Did you write fanfiction about marrying p’pete yet. Do you need me to beta it. Can you finish betaing my last chapter please. I’m so close to being sold to p’kim in it.”

Where!! is the childhood au where histrionic teenage Vegas constantly wants to throttle mini Macau bc hey did you know! Macau is going to marry p’pete when he’s older :) and teenage Vegas is like HES MY BOYFRIEND GET YOUR OWN (and then he cries on his rooftop and skips rocks on the pond while listening to emo music. And Pete CANNOT believe this but he is actually out loud saying the words “no Vegas of course I’m not going to marry Macau” before they even say ily to each other.) Macau gives Pete drawings and poems and flowers ripped from the gardens BECAUSE P’PETE DESERVES THEM HIA and now Pete has to pawn entire bouquets off on his grandma bc Vegas can’t stop himself from competing with his little brother.

Where is my martial arts au where Pete is Macau’s teacher and Vegas picks Macau up after class. And there is FLIRTING happening right in front of Macau’s salad!! And he has to beg “p’pete PLEASE don’t sleep with my brother everyone who does DISAPPEARS after!” And Pete is like. How do I explain a one night stand when I am just a simple martial arts teacher. And also I’m definitely going to sleep with his brother.

Every time Macau says hi or bye “I love you p’pete!” Immediately follows bc it makes Vegas SEETHE. and when Vegas calls Pete his wife Macau just judges him and is like “hia please it’s the twenty first century. What if p’pete doesn’t like that. You should say husband instead.” Pete leaves the room immediately bc Vegas calling him “my wife” is literally the the most tame thing he likes Vegas to call him.

Shit disturber Macau who’s like “hia you’re so old I think p’pete needs to trade you in for a younger model.” Macau who sits in between Vegas and Pete on the couch at any chance he gets. Macau who negotiates and somehow wins a date night every two weeks with Pete where Vegas isn’t allowed to come with them on the basis that ITS FAMILY BONDING TIME HIA. And Vegas puts up with it bc sometimes he needs to do creepy satanic rituals in some fucking peace and quiet for once.

Macau who doesn’t even realize he likes Pete!he just thinks Pete is the coolest fucking person ever! What the actual fuck is he doing with Vegas! (But he’s not going to say that out loud bc what if p’pete REALIZES and LEAVES and that means he’s not just leaving Vegas but Macau too!!!) Macau who dates a boy and is DISTRAUGHT when they break up and chay is like bro thank god he was way too much like p’pete I thought you were over that crush? And Macau is like WHAT CRUSH.

Anyway. I just think Macau having a crush on pete or pretending to in order to cause Vegas grief is great.

[abiiors]

Its ok babe, I appreciate eyour support anyway <3

A language you can speak however

Ross and you consumating marriage. Him carrying you up the stairs of your now shared house throwing you onto the bed and absolutely railing you.

"Want everyone to know who you married"

another anon said: Wedding day Ross, would he cry? Would he make a speech that makes you cry? Then would the sex be different when you’re married?

---------------------

jesus CHRIST this ask almost put me in cardiac arrest so thank you for that...anyway the whole day has been filled with nerves and excitement. nerves because he wants this day to be absolutely perfect for you and he knows how stressful weddings can be. even then he has matty running back and forth between you two to check on you and make sure you have everything you need (you do, all your bridesmaids are extremely vigilant and have made sure you don't have to worry about anything so matty basically spends half his time trying to flirt with them because why not). anyway once it's time for ross to be at his place, he just has this massive grin on his face the moment he steps out and like he cannot stop bouncing on the balls of his feet because he can't wait to be married to his favourite person in the world. behind him the rest of the guys keep grinning and teasing him and taking the piss but they're all so excited and happy for him. his heart skips a beat when the music starts and your bridesmaids slowly start entering. they all look lovely in the colour theme you've so painstakingly picked out and now ross is practically craning his neck to see you, i mean everyone is but he's just so eager now, he's waited nearly all day for this. so his heart stops beating entirely when he sees one (1) glimpse of you and he gets all choked up just because of how gorgeous and happy you look and how you smile at him (while also trying not to cry because make up). the boys all rub his back and give him little pats till you finally make it to him and the ceremony starts.

it's very short and sweet, just your closest friends and family to attend because both of you're quite private people but once it's your turn to exchange vows, that's when he gets a whole sheet of paper out. it's been folded and refolded countless times, there are words scratched out and scrawled in the margins, you swear there's even a tear stain or two on there but he just takes a deep breath, looks you in the eyes and puts the paper back. then he just starts speaking "as you can tell, i had a whole speech prepared but i don't think i need any of that anymore. i just need to look at you and tell you that you are the best thing to happen to me. i love how you've become an integral part of my life; i love how you love and care for my friends and how you've made them your friends too. i love all your grand and wild and passionate gestures but more than that, i just love all the simple domesticity with you. i love our quiet Sunday afternoons and i love how grumpy you get on wednesday mornings. i want all of you, from now until forever and i hope you'll have me just as i am, yours forever." and makeup be damned at that point because you're sobbing (so is matty, into adam's chest and even George has shed a few tears) but everything is full of love and light and incandescent happiness. once you exchange rings and share a sweet, slow kiss, that's when the party really starts.

anyone who knows him, knows he loves a drink or two or more but your wedding night is the one night he's quite restrained because he doesn't want to forget one second of it. he wants to be present with you in this moment and celebrate the love of his life with his closest friend and loved ones. he does indulge, of course, just not enough to get blackout drunk. and also because he's been looking for an opportunity to whisk you away and have you to himself hehe. you have also pretty much been looking for a chance all evening because you cannot wait to know what it's like to have sex with your husband (just thinking about the word husband has heat pooling between your legs. and every time you catch him admiring his ring, it gets harder and harder not to drag him away lol). anyway as soon as the opportunity presents itself, you're both sneaking away, laughing together like a couple of teenagers and into your wedding (getaway) car which takes you straight to your new home. you've timed it just right that the refurbishing and decorations of the new house would be done a few weeks before your wedding so essentially this is you spending your wedding night in your new house.

he, OF COURSE, has to carry you over the threshold, how could he not. all the time he's telling you how "gorgeous you look tonight, mrs. macdonald" and how that dress is going to look even more stunning on your bedroom floor. he refuses to set you down once you're inside, instead he makes his way straight to the bedroom while you laugh into the crook of his neck and pepper him with kisses. and yes he absolutely does throw you onto the bed, followed instantly by disappearing under your dress to "take off your garter" and place a trail of kisses that has you gasping and moaning his name. he's almost hungry when it comes to getting you out of your dress (and getting out of his suit) but everything after that he wants to savour. he's never going to get the chance to sleep with his wife for the first time again and he plans to only have one wife for the rest of his life so this is it for him. it almost makes you tear up again how gentle he's being, how he showers your entire body with kisses and affection, how close he holds you. like he doesn't want to be parted from you ever again. but once the first initial round of sweet, gentle love making is done, that's when the railing starts because "we have new neighbours babe, they need to know my name"

[merakiui]

⭐ 

Go off Queen ❤️

>:D why, thank you, my liege. Go off, I shall!!!

(ask game)

I think I'll take this opportunity to discuss Death Row Undertow's chapter seven: Kismet Kiss! Specifically the latter half involving Cater. I've put my thoughts under the cut!

I loved writing this scene (the tonal shift from Riddle's anxious meticulousness to Cater's friendly and feigned positivity is very yummy to me)! The karaoke bar that the pop music club frequents actually has a name: Siren's Heartache. Reader and Cater visit it often! That aside, this chapter shows a much more meaner side to Cater. >_< not only that, but it also illustrates his inner thoughts and feelings. For example, this section here:

Cater makes it a mission to familiarize himself with his favorite karaoke bar’s menu, but despite every food and drink combination he’s come across (some photographed and strung up on his social media and others admired from afar) he cannot stomach the sweetness. So for tonight—like most nights—he chooses something that is, as his sisters would often say, “so not cute.” Beer is his go-to, even if his carefully curated Magicam feed is adorned with photos of pastries and sugary drinks galore. Peel back the pretty wallpaper and you'll find the dollhouse is not what it seems. But festering in rot is so not cute, and so for this reason he plasters the bitter with beauty.

Cater likes to curate a certain image for himself, especially when that image is being posted to his Magicam. He does something similar in Cicada City when he takes Riddle out for boba and orders a very sugary drink (which he only photographs and doesn't drink once). In canon, it's noted that Cater is more partial to spicy flavors than sweet flavors and that his aversion to the latter is due to always having to force himself to eat the sweets his sisters would make to avoid disheartening them. Also, his sisters have a tendency to judge things based on how cute they are. I imagine this habit is engrained quite deeply in Cater, hence why in this chapter (and other chapters) you will see him referring to things as "cute" or "not cute."

Though he seems rather cruel and detached from the main issue (Reader's disappearance), there are little things to suggest otherwise. The most glaring one would be his song and its lyrics. When I wrote it, I wanted every line to hold an underlying meaning for plenty of analytical dissection. Lilia's able to read between the lines, which leads to this exchange:

Cater curls his fingers into a tight, self-assuring fist, nails pricking his palms. “Sure did. Penned by yours truly and everything! It’s still not finished, though. I’m always going back to edit, but so far that’s the most coherent draft I have. So whatcha think? It’s totally cute, yeah?” “It’s very telling,” Lilia praises with a cryptic grin. Cater doesn’t like the wisdom discreetly woven into his next words. “You can learn a lot from the speaker in the song. Some truths are best expressed in writing, after all. When we put pen to paper, left alone with but our wrist and brain, we’re usually very honest with the page.” As always, you’re a mystery, Cater thinks with a thin smile. Maybe I shouldn’t have shared it so confidently.

These lyrics are very vulnerable and personal to Cater, but he shares them anyway because he's seeking validation for the song itself (not the story told within), which Kalim gives him without touching upon the message. But Lilia's the one who sees beyond the song's cute façade, which is exactly what Cater didn't want. Of course he separates Cater and the speaker in the song when he refers to them, but both he and Cater know they are one and the same.

Cater mentions in Cicada City that, "I’m thinking it could be an energetic love song with dark undertones. Lots of people like creepy romances, and who said Halloween couldn’t start early?" but in this chapter he says it "sounds kinda pop idol." The contrast in these descriptions are unique to Cater because it suggests that previously he was content to recognize the darker aspects of the song and its story, but now he simply wants it to be "pop idol" instead. This erasure of the dark tones in the song is a parallel to how he feels currently: a stressful situation has arisen and he doesn't want to confront it head-on because it's much smoother when things are cute and sweet (or pop idol).

In other words, Cater's role in this chapter is frustrating because he's meant to be Reader's friend and yet here he is: not being a friend. But the truth is that Cater is so used to her pattern of coming and going that he doesn't see any need to worry, so he becomes a little tense when Kalim and Lilia are voicing his concerns (which he's tamped down) back to him rather than agreeing easily.

He's also quite defensive and protective of Reader, even more so when Lilia and Kalim press him on certain issues related to their relationship, often answering with, "I just know" or "I know her." Cater doesn't want to lose one of the few close friends he's ever had, so the idea that she isn't just taking leave for a few days and that it could be something far more serious is deeply unsettling to Cater. And if that's the case, it will confirm two things for him: (1) Cater doesn't know Reader as well as he thinks he does and (2) this isn't another case of crying wolf; it's something more.

It may seem like he's dismissive when he tries to get Kalim and Lilia to drop the subject entirely so they can focus on band discussions instead (and he is), but the reality is that Reader has been on Cater's mind the entire time. At the end of the chapter, he thinks, This is so not sweet. I completely forgot to take pictures for Magicam. Cater never forgets to take pictures. He actively searches for ways to snap photos at every opportunity; it's one of the things that's almost always at the forefront of his mind. He was so distracted with his own buried worries related to Reader that taking pictures genuinely slipped his mind.

So he is genuinely worried. He just doesn't want to show that side of himself because it's, in his own words, "so not cute."

[eri-pl]

Silm reread 8 Flight of the Noldor.

Yavanna cannot make the Trees again because That's How Things Work. At least we get a clear statement (again) that she did create their light, so sorry musicals, the Trees did not contain the Flame Imperishable. (I know in one abandoned later revision they kind of maybe did, but also it is like nails on chalkboard to me)

And Yavanna says that their harm would be undone and Melkor's evil would not reach its goal. Very Yavanna thing to say, very "where's the undo button". I'm not a fan. Like, I get her and it's not evil or smth… but… sorry, my pretty green lady, this doesn't work like this.

Tulkas. Can't you just sit still? (No, he can't.)

"Not the first one"! This line always makes me smile, it's just so "random oneliners to say". (I don't think Namo is rude, I think he's just quite alien and doesn't understand CoI and their psychology)

Despite being left to brood in silence, Feanor is paranoid anyway. :(

Capital D Darkness again — it's Ungoliant's stuff.

Finwë died on the threshold of Formenos — defending the house, but it is assumed, I think, because everyone else ran away. Either he had a weapon in hand, or they just assumed he was not trying to run away. Anyway nvm the narrative frame, the indent is that he was defending the house, so ok, why not. Very brave of him.

Feanáro curses a lot:

curses Melkor and renames him

curses Manwë's summons (so it was Manwë who ordered him to come? This would be some overstepping. I'll assume it was Manwë inviting him personally to come and Ingwë ordering him. Or just Manwë ordering him to come not as his ruler, but as ruler of this land, like "if you want any chance to be unbanned from Tirion, you must come")

curses the hour when he left home (very puzzling thing to do imo, but it is a genre thing I suppose)

Melkor wanted to kill Feanor mostly. So the book says. i am honestly surprised he didn't— oh wait. Maybe putting the Silmarils on his face and the pain was what made him shift from "kill Feanáro and his kin" to… well, all those stuff he did with Maedhros.

Morgoth can't ditch the spider. :D I suppose this confirms that now he is fixed in his body. She calls him Black Heart (derogatory, I suppose?) which nobody else does. It is kind of cute when your overgrown ex-pet murder spider has a pet name for you. :P

The "I rule the worls" stuff. I think this is the first time we see him say it (at least in the well-established canon timeline).

The Silmarils are in a box, and they still start burning him. So:

the burning increases or at least increases until it reaches its full level

they are small enough and Morgoth is big enough that he can hold the box with them all in his hand (right. does it have any meaning?)

It's confirmed that Morgoth had given Ungoliant some of his power and she'd grown and he'd lessenned. I assume it was during their initial negotiations.

She puts a web on him if not a full cocoon. The Balrogs have to free him with the flaming ...I forgot the word.

Also, the Balrogs were hiding in the deep dungeons after Angband, which suggests they did not work for/with Sauron. they seem very much like Morgoth's private guard. Also, they free him without question despite the fact that he seems pretty weak at this point.

The Balrogs have no problem chasing away Ungoliant, I attribute it to their connection with light (or at least fire. But fire is a kind of light, even their fire).

Yavanna was afraid that the Silmarils would be eaten by the darkness. this sounds very much like her.

Morgoth:

calls himself king of the world (the contrast of this and his situation...)

his hands are permanently black with burns and always in pain (which angers him even more)

also his crown seems to hurt him

seriously what is wrong with you?

you need therapy

seriously is insane at this point

also has a super powerful aura of fear

The Valar sit and (think, I guess), their courts (Maiar and Vanyar) cry about the Trees, the Noldor go back to Tirion. Suddenly Feanor. Who technically is still banished, which I think is more of a case of "the Valar had other priorities and he didn't ask" or "we aren't going to let him back to his brother in this state of emotions because there wil be more murders" than "revenge for not giving the Silmarils o Yavanna".

Also, now, of all times, is when many of the Noldor learn about the Men being a thing. Because before that Melkor told a few in secret and tehy apparently told Feanáro in secret… Peak unfortune timing. Peak planning on Melkor's side (not that he could now appraciate it).

Also, in Polish it's not "jealous gods", but "jealous Valar" which is interesting, but I think it makes sense. Still, it is out-Tolkiening the Tolkien I think.

Oh. Another part I need in English, because it's so important.

After Morgoth to the ends of the Earth! War shall he have and hatred undying. But when we have conquered and have regained the Silmarils that he stole, then behold! We, we alone, shall be the lords of the unsullied Light, and masters of the bliss and the beauty of Arda! No other race shall oust us!’ [src]

Oh my. It is so much.

First, it is obvious that "reclaim the Silmarils" is (in his mind) the relatively easy, or at least short, part.

Second: "We, we alone, shall be the lords of the unsullied Light, and masters of the bliss and the beauty of Arda!" I don't think this needs any comments.

Aaaand then they swear the Oath.

It's just one huge downward spiral, and he talks himself into it. Yes, trauma, but why are you pouring gasoline on it??? They all need… a lot. And to stop pouring gasoline on everything.

Fefe. I am so dissapointed with you. I am sad. I don't have the words for this. Also, you hate Morgoth, but you two are so similar sometimes.

Oh, and in the Silm they do not call Eru, they call the Everlasting Darkness to claim them if they break their oath. At least according to the translation. also, yes, revenge and hatered is mentioned, but no requirement to succeed in killing the offenders.

Galadriel is enthusiastic about Feanáro's plans, even though she dislikes him. :P

Manwë is silent, because he doesn't want to stop Feanor. Because he careas about the Noldor feeling enslaved! At least the translation says it pretty clearly. They (the Valar, or at least M&V) sit and watch, hoping that the Noldor will calm down.

Politics, politics… Fingolfin goes because Fingon, and the people, and he promised. Mentioned in this order.

90% of all the Noldor go (to Alqualonde and north, it's unclear how many came back with Finarfin). I wonder if it is of all the Noldor or just of the male Noldor. Because most of the women seem to stay.

Eonwë (not named, but seems like him. Technically it may be another Maia) comes to give them advice. Just an advice. Explicitely says that the Valar will not stop them and they came freely, they can leave freely.

Finarfin and Finrod and all the "wisest of Noldor" are in the back and carry a lot of stuff. Good for them.

Túna was nearly at the equator! Oh. interesting. They are very, very far from the Helcaraxe, and I assume nobody invited navigation without seeing the shores (sorry I don't know the English one word term for this). So they have a logistics problem.

The Teleri seem to refuse any help because they don't want to go against the Valar. Even though the Valar did not forbid it, they just said it was a bad idea. The Teleri just trust them, because Ulmo is cool. Also, they don't have much experience with Morgoth and assume "the Valar will fix it all".

An arguement ensues.

Fefe leaves, broods, and returns to Alqualonde when he has enough army. Then he starts seizing the ships. The Teleri push the Noldor to water, a fight ensues. Fingon join them and assumed that the Teleri were ordered by the Valar to stop the Noldor and attacked them. So, Finarfin and his team was not there. Fingolfin might not be at the battle either?

Olwë calls Ossë for help (so, he did survive), and we have the hilarious "I can't because the Valar forbade us to stop the Noldor. However, my wife, who has a clear recorc, will drown them with her crying anyway."

Blatant ad for the Maglor. "…for more details, see the Noldolante…" This is hilarious.

so they all go far, and it takes a long time. Some (most trusted by Feanor) go on the ships, other on foot. they travel from the equator to, idk, but a pretty cold area.

And only then, after probably weeks of travel, they get Namo(or is it?) and the Doom of the Noldor. (I need to correct one of my fics. This fact makes it 3 times more hilarious. even with the Maiarin teleportation).

Finarfin comes back, and he walks all the distance back. Has a lot of time to think, I guess. Many elves join him, but no number estimates or percentages. :(

The rest go further north.

Helcaraxe was assumed impassable. So no, nobody could predict Fingolfin would led his people there.

This was a very, very long chapter.

[starlitangels]

A Vial of Demon's Blood

I hope we get an answer on where Porter got the demon blood. Until then, here’s this 1.6k words

Monarchal Summit Arc Spoilers! Monarchal Summit Arc Spoilers! Monarchal Summit Arc Spoilers! Monarchal Summit Arc Spoilers! Monarchal Summit Arc Spoilers! Monarchal Summit Arc Spoilers!

*Guy voice* There are spoilers for the Monarchal Summit Arc, have I made that clear?

—

Avior scrunched his eyebrows as his phone started ringing, glancing over at it. He hadn’t even had one before we escaped the Meridian, but once we had and he started spending a lot more time on the human plane, we both found out easier if he had one. “Do you mind if I take that? Might be a student.” He met my eyes.

“Go for it.”

He reached over and snatched it up. “Professor Avior,” he greeted.

After a moment of the caller greeting him, his head cocked to the side in curiosity. “King Solaire. To what do I owe the pleasure?”

I raised my eyebrows and mouthed, “William Solaire?” He nodded. I made a face. He’d mentioned once that he was vaguely acquainted with the Solaire clan’s king, but only in passing because they both frequented the same vinyl records shop in downtown Dahlia that stocked a lot of old-fashioned big band music.

“What do you mean when you say ‘a favor,’ if I may ask?” Avior snipped. He shifted his position, raising a brow. He bent close to me and tilted the phone so we could both hear.

“Well, dear boy, you do not have to agree. Although this would be by far the easiest avenue for my needs,” William Solaire said with his light, French accent. Avior and I exchanged a confused glance. “The short version? I need a single vial of demon blood. Tonight.”

Avior flinched. “Demon blood?”

“Yes.”

“What for?”

“Ah. Well. It’s probably better that you don’t know.”

“Your Majesty, you know I can’t accept that answer.”

“Nonetheless. I cannot give you any more information. For your own protection.”

“If you’re trying to give me plausible deniability for using my blood for a crime, I don’t think I need to remind you that demons don’t have DNA. Demon blood can’t be traced to the demon it came from if it can even be collected in a useable form within its half-life.”

“I’m well aware, dear boy,” William remarked. Avior’s jaw clenched at the endearment. “But I’d rather you not have any knowledge in case of any telepathy that might put this under a microscope it was never intended to be examined by.”

“Demons don’t like to part with their blood. Even less than humans do. We feel the loss of even a drop. Pulling at our magic until it disperses back into Arcana,” Avior said, voice taut. “What could be so important that you’d ask me for mine and believe there’s even a chance I’d agree?”

“How about potentially stopping CloseKnit from arranging another disaster?” William asked.

Avior’s entire body went unnaturally still in a way I’d only ever seen demons and vampires do. “I’m listening,” he replied. Tensely. His hand not holding his phone found mine and gripped it tight.

“Tonight is a ploy to cut off the vast majority of CloseKnit’s funding. All I will say is that, in order to do so, an Old Blood must be overpowered by a vampire much younger. An impossible task without crippling the Old Blood with the poison of a demon’s blood.”

Avior’s eyes met mine. “Give me a moment,” he said.

And muted his end of the call.

“Starlight,” he whispered. “If CloseKnit is gearing up for another Inversion or a new disastrous hell entirely…” He shook his head. “Hundreds or thousands more could die for whatever reason they’ve been orchestrating all this.”

“I understand that.”

He pursed his lips in frustration. “But it’s a bad idea for me to give up any of my blood to a vampire.”

“I agree. But do you get something in return?”

He blinked. And unmuted the call. “What would be in it for me, Your Majesty? I won’t part with even a vial of blood easily.”

“I wouldn’t expect you to. There are several options. I know demons… care little for human currency. But I could compensate you handsomely for your blood should that be the option you choose. There are plenty of other strings I can pull, should you choose something else. Or, if you’d rather keep it general, I can simply owe you a rather large favor.”

Avior scoffed. “An Old Blood vampire king owing a demon a favor is almost as dangerous as the opposite,” he pointed out. “When the demon comes to collect, the price can be steep.”

“Of which I am well aware, Avior. And willing to take that on because you are a good man. I need the blood tonight to stave off a potential catastrophe. One I know you also would rather not inflict on the world. You mentioned bad history with CloseKnit’s members before. Should you come calling for a favor, I’m willing to do what I need to, for the sake of the lives that may be spared.”

Avior stared into my eyes for several long moments, breathing steadily, but slow. He raised a brow in askance. Seeking my opinion. “Your choice,” I mouthed.

His nostrils flared as he inhaled deeply. “One vial. One. And no funny business.”

“There will be no funny business, I assure you. My clan member who will do the extraction is good at what he does. It shall be quick and clean.”

Looking determined but apprehensive, he nodded once. “Fine. What time will he and I need to meet?”

“He can be at your place of residence by four-thirty-PM. I’m given to understand you’ve taken up semi-permanent residence here on Terra with a partner. Not too far from one of my clan members’ homes.”

“You’ll have to forgive me but I’m not comfortable with having a vampire I don’t know in my home.” He held my gaze. Protecting me from an unknown vampire.

“I understand. Do you recall the Solaire Property Management building in uptown Dahlia?”

“I’ve seen it in passing. Never stopped by.”

“Porter, my clan member, can meet you there. Should you be willing to travel that far.”

“That’s not far. I’ll meet him there.”

“Delightful. Thank you, my young demon friend.”

A muscle flickered in Avior’s jaw. “You’re welcome,” he replied.

“I trust you’ll pass a pleasant evening. Good afternoon, Professor Avior.”

“You too, Your Majesty. Goodbye.”

“Goodbye.”

The call ended.

“I can’t tell if I have a bad feeling about this,” I remarked frankly.

“If it stops another Inversion, or something worse, a favor owed by an Old Blood king might very well be worth it, starlight.” He kissed the top of my head. “One vial. It’ll be uncomfortable for a few hours, and then I should be fine. Though… I might take some energy from this ‘Porter’ to make up for it. For the trouble.”

I couldn’t help the small grin. “I’d expect nothing less.”

He grinned—then sighed. “I guess we’ll finish up here and then I’ll have to leave.”

I nodded. “That’s okay.”

He kissed me firmly.

—

Porter didn’t even flinch as the rift opened a few feet away from him. The demon who stepped out was tall and trim, with wavy chocolate brown hair and metallic gold eyes. He wore dark jeans and a black polo shirt. His horns were nowhere to be seen and he looked mildly disgruntled. “Let’s make this quick. Porter, right?”

“That would be me,” Porter agreed. “I believe William said your name is Avior?”

“Mmhmm. Let’s get this done. My partner is waiting for me.”

Porter nodded and pulled the needle, tube, rubber ribbon, and vial off the table. “I’ll have to tie your upper arm.”

Avior smirked. “I’m a demon. Just stick it in.” He extended his arm.

Porter made a face of confusion. The smugness on Avior's expression deepened.

"I don't really have... veins unless I need to. Stick it anywhere. I'll form a blood vessel around it."

Porter blinked, but steadied his hands, held the vial carefully in one, and swiftly inserted the needle in with the other. Avior didn't flinch. Barely blinked.

"So. Someone's killing an Old Blood tonight?" Avior asked, voice quiet.

"That would be me," Porter replied.

"Best of luck. Sounds dangerous." Avior cleared his throat. "Where are you from?"

"Does it matter?"

"You've got a needle in my arm. I'm just making conversation."

"Originally the UK. But I've lived here for most of my afterlife. Parts of my accent have faded to match the one people use around here."

"Hm. I can kinda tell, now that I'm listening for it."

Porter grunted. "How old are you?"

"Does it matter?" Avior's arrogant expression seemed amused as he turned the phrase back on Porter.

"Not for the purposes of how potent the magic is in your blood. A brand-new demon's blood would work just as well. I told you a personal fact, now it's your turn."

"Thirty-six, give or take a few months. I coalesced in nineteen-eighty-seven."

"Hm." Porter pulled the needle from Avior's arm. The puncture sealed instantly—even faster than a vampire's would—and didn't even bleed. Porter met Avior's gaze. "All done."

"Best of luck with the assassination." A rift tore open directly behind the demon, and with another snarky glint in his gold eyes, he stepped back through it and vanished. Leaving Porter completely alone in the Solaire Property Management building with a corked vial of demon blood in one hand.

In a blitz of movement, he changed from day wear to his Summit outfit. A gaudy, grandiose, distracting dark red tux with all the frills of House Solaire's usual style. In sharp contrast to the lavender blue tux he knew Vincent was going to be wearing. The vial of blood got gently wrapped in a handkerchief and tucked into his inside pocket.

A quick glance in one of the bathroom mirrors satisfied him. He gave his reflection a nod. "Time to go piss off my prince and kill a king. What fun."

He Zipped off for his car.

—

Tag list: @pinksparkl

[jovenshires]

You’ve probably been asked this before but what’s like your fanfic writing process?? Like how do you end up writing your fanfictions?

i actually haven't but i'd be happy to talk about it!! i'm actually writing fic right now, so here's what i've done in the past like. hour. im gonna put it under the cut bc its EXTREMELY long but if you ever wanted 'katie's guide to fic writing,' here it is!

i'm pretty easily distracted, so i've gotta make sure i'm in like. The Right Conditions. that means phone face down or away if i can (rn i've got to be on call in case my boss needs smth but you get the gist) bc i WILL just open tiktok or play a mobile game. even just now writing this answer i have picked up my phone and opened pinterest. i cannot be stopped so i try to stay off it and put it down when i catch myself!!

more and more often i cant even listen to music while i write - partly bc i tend to read my work aloud to myself to make sure it sounds right and partly bc my brain will be like "you know this song omg the words are in your brain" or "you should go look at what song this is bc you kinda like it". cannot trust myself even with sound. if i AM listening to music while i write, it's either the specific playlist for that fic, playlists with the right vibes (ex: rivals-to-lovers for iwks), OR anime openings bc. less likely to get distracted when it's not in english tbh.

(huge on all of the senses so i also usually have a candle lit. im super sensitive to smells so if there's an unpleasant smell somewhere around me i will be unable to focus <3)

all that being said about distractions, i think it's important to take breaks - dont just FORCE yourself to write. that's why i'm huge on setting goals for myself - deadlines, word count goals, timed breaks. like "okay im gonna sprint write for 10 minutes and then after that ill watch some of this danny gonzalez video" or "i'll write until 3:30 and then i should go take a break and read a book." im not always faithful to my goals but i try my best!!

as for the actual writing itself, i typically just go for it. i can usually see an image in my mind and i try my best to write that out/describe it as best i can. and then if it sounds wrong i just reword it again and again until i've got it. this is kind of where my reading aloud bit comes in - if it sounds right when you say it out loud, that generally means it sounds right in the text.

sometimes i'll just have a certain scene or just scraps of dialogue and i'll write that out and be like "okay how did they get here." i never embraced writing out of order until recently, but now that i have. no going back tbh i highly recommend it. rwylm and iwks especially had scenes WAY later down the line that i wrote first. just write what comes naturally and go from there.

occasionally i do outlines, but not super often, and when i do they're vague as hell. i think a lot of my iwks outline was just "game" and then "another game but tommy is there this time." i think outlines that go too in-depth kind of take away from the freedom of writing so. if it's for you then slay but its usually not for me

i try not to worry too hard about. the style/grammar/little things as i go. of course im guilty of this and i'll stop and edit my own works along the way sometimes but i've found it's best if you keep writing and then go back later!!

sometimes when i'm writing a new smosh cast member i'll go back and watch videos/compilations of them just to reorient my brain. i've done this a lot with chanse recently!! but i also think. it really isn't that deep too NSDKFNKNK like these are fictionalized versions of fictionalized selves and so on and so forth so don't worry about 'voice' too much im trying to kick that habit myself

EDIT: oh i've talked about this before but. as for ideas/where my fic ideas come from?? i truly try to grab from my every day life. oh i went to the grocery store today? what if smosh member a and smosh member b went to the grocery store. i watched a horror movie and you know who else could do that. otherwise i pull from music/movies/tv shows/other media and be like 'this but for smosh.' i really just be pulling from my life and repackaging it thats all. start small (haircut fic) and work your way up (homoerotic soccer epic)!

and i think that's it?? i'd like to think im pretty chill about the whole thing. (read: i am not chill in any way at all but im trying my best.) anyway, it's something i'm always happy to talk about - thank you for asking!!

[deprivedofbraincellsandsleep]

hiii zia

so the other day u was talking with my sister and you told hwr you werw trying to quit listening to music because of ur religion and like i thought u were mualim and i’ve seen a lot of muslim people singing and listening to music so i was just curious to like why you cant listen to music same thing with dancing about how you can’t dance only when you’re alone

im just curious btw

heyyyy, okayy so this is kinda ish (not really) complicated but bear with meeee

so I am muslim and the thing is, we aren't allowed to listen to music for a few reasons being:

1) instruments are haram (meaning forbidden, so singing with just ur voice is okay or listening to vocals only is okay too)

2) idk if you’ve noticed but music tends to make people want to move aka dance so another reason why is that if played in a public place or smth like that it can lead to men and women dancing together (which isn't allowed) and that can progress further to them doing things together if yk wut I mean (I dont rlly know how to explain this better)

3) this is the most important thing, so we have our holy scripture right, the Holy Quran, and while we may desire to listen to music, our soul desires the Holy Quran, so we cannot deprive it of that. There cannot be two things in our heart at once, music and Quran cannot co-exist, because if you try to keep both things in your heart together, it won't work because as a Muslim, you'll notice that you won't be focused in your worship because all you will be able to think of is music instead of paying attention. You truly cannot taste the sweetness and completely digest words of the Quran with another thing occupying your heart (music), you have to eliminate it first and cleanse your heart of it to truly be able to taste the sweetness of not only the Quran but of life aswell, theres no other way of saying this. You have to fill your heart with good things, and you'll notice nowadays that lyrics of music tends to be talking about dirty things and such so that's not good too.

sorry that got too long, anyways something called nasheeds exist, they aren't really songs because it's just vocals and the lyrics are talking about Allah and like about our Prophet (peace be upon him) and stuff about our religion. But some nasheeds tend to have instruments so you gotta be careful😭. Anyways so Muslims can listen to those instead of music and also listen to podcasts (especially Islamic ones since ur just gaining more knowledge about your religion and becoming closer to God) to help with listening to music less.

the dancing thing kinda ties in with my first point (and also the second one), because dancing can be provocative and can lead to dirty things happening between men and women which is a major sin called Zina (sex between unmarried people).

anyways so music is definitely haram (forbidden) but many Muslims nowadays, since music is so normalized and is everywhere, refuse to accept that (not every Muslim obviously but many yk). They still put music in their videos (which isn't good because for every time someone watches that video and hears the music, you get a bad deed) and listen to it themselves, and since music has completely embedded itself into society, its harder to quit it and many people struggle doing so (including me). Singing if it's just with your voice is fine though.

Sorry again for this becoming so long, I hope my rambling was comprehensive enough, especially for someone who is non-muslim😭😭.

Theres lots of videos on yt about people quitting music, it's mostly Muslims but I saw one of this girl quitting it for 3 months and she did a really nice video about it too explaining what she learnt from it and all. They really go in depth about how music has completely embedded itself into our lives and how much of a struggle it is to free yourself from it so if you wanna do more research about this you can js watch those.

[terranceholdsapencil]

So Ive watched Boom and initial thoughts

S14e03 "Boom" doctor who spoilers

-immediately knew these guys were dead.

-susan twist what are you doing in my ambulance

-killing someone because they'd take four weeks to recover is insane but also works great as the endpoint of capitalism

-casual reminder that I adore 15s theme. Its very different from other Doctor's themes but its lovely.

-skye boat song?!?! Two played that on his recorder back in the web of fear

-"One wrong move, and BOOM. I go all food mixer"

Great line, 10/10

-"everywhere is a beach eventually"

I hate that this made me think of Rose

-"Why, does a landmine have lights on it?" "*groans* capitalism" "Excuse me?" "Flashy lights play well in a showroom. Modern warfare. Death by salesmen"

This is just. Oxygen but instead of a space station its warfare. Jamie Mathieson basically wrote this already. But thats okay I will still eat it up

-lesbian gymkhana. Noice.

-"IiIm not even screaming yet"

THAT'S THE RIGHT ATTITUDE 🫵

-smelted :)

-"i was trying not to show off" well thats new cause you always show off

-"you are brave." "mm." "And you are wonderful. And I forgive you for being incredibly stupid"

Do you know what that reminded me off? The dead boy detectives staircase confession. Come on, you hear it too:

"Also, I cannot BeLIEve you would risk your entire existence coming down to this operatic horror show for me. That is so FUCKING stupid its unbelievable" "Sorry. No version of this where I didnt come get you, is there"

-"I went down to the beach, and there she stood, dark and tall, at the edge of the wood. The Sky´s too big; Im scared!, I cried, she replied: Young man, dont you know theres more to life than the moon and the president´s wife?"

Was she erm , was she nice, the presidents wife?

Ah, well, that was a lie put about by the shabogans. It was the presidents daughter. I didnt steal the moon, I lost i..

Id know you anywhere.

12 AND CLARA MENTIONED?!?!?

-"Life is cheap. Patients are expensive"

Just as I said. War oxygen. Theyre fighting the algorithm. And capitalism.

-"war is business, and business is booming"

-"and my name is the doctor ""the doctor isnt a name" "yeah. haha! And I not even a doctor."

Was the degree in cheesemaking a lie? What about the lego? Doctor, have you lied to me?

Medicine, science, engineering, candy floss, philosophy, music, problems, people, hope, and practically everything :(

-"Great name, Mundy Flynn. You should marry RUby, then you´ll be mundy sunday. Go on, get married, Id laugh every day."

NOW THATS MY TYPE OF HUMOUR 🫵‼️

-"Ive met sentient Mud. lovely girls. I mean grumpy, yeah, but you try lying around with your face full of mammals all day."

I thought of the morax from the witchfinders first but yeah lovely girls

-"im a much bigger bang than you bargained for.

im a lot more explosive than I look and honey, I know how I look."

Originallt I was just a fan of the first line but something about the doctor being in a very bad situation but going "Im hot af :)" is... lmao

-SNOW??? SNOW STOPPING MID AIR???

-"do you get-get-get it?"

-the way he said "girl" in "now you need proof, faith giArl?"

-DAD TO DAD???

I reallt liked the theory of Susan coming back but this might also hint at a general doctor-family thing. Maybe his child

-when everything worked out the soundtrack was the same as during the tardis reveal in the star beast. I had to stop the episode cause that score made me FEEL things. I could not the heck focus on 15 with this soundtrack on cause. Uhm.

....

Im so sorry but this tardis reveal is so so so SO special to me so playing the same music is actually vile. Because. No I wont be able to focus on the actual episode. I couldnt focus on the actual episode because 15 sang a song 2 played on his bloody recorder. You cant use a TARDIS REVEAL SCORE.

-"What happened" "well, its uh, its kind of hard to sum up. I think if I had a diary it would be a little bit too exiting for words. I think I could write it with drums. Can you write a diary with drums? I bet I could."

IS THIS A THOSCHEI REFERENCE?! 🗣🗣🗣

-the sky is like actually super pretty on kastarion 3

-"quite frankly, your life span sucks" HAHA

-"fish fingers and custard is mt favourite" FISH FINGERS AND CUSTARD?!

-"A sad, old man once told me. WHat survives of us is love."

-irs actually insane how happy the tardis "vworp vworp vworp" makes me. Everytime the tardis disappears I giggle like little kid.

-im sorry but the next ep is SO intriguing Im very excited for next week, more excited than thid one actually

[candy8448]

It is done!

I've finally completed many month (maybe even over a year) mission of listening to all the zelda OSTs in release order (now it did take ages cuz i would spend forever between each ost and the longer ones would take so long to get through)

I compiled all my favorite tracks into one massive playlist, as well as covers that i like!

Now i am going to go over each ost and say my thoughts on them! Ill also be mentioning one or two tracks from each game that were really notable for me

(I didn't listen to Twilight princess or Spirit tracks because i dont want spoilers for when i play them)

The legend of Zelda:

The ost for this game is 9 mins long, drastic difference to totk with many MANY hours of music

Obviously a classic, the overworld theme. I really like the "game over" theme, its nice but the ringing of the NES boops hurts my ears so much

Adventure of Link:

I really like the final dungeon theme and the battle theme, so good to just jam to

A Link to the past:

Not much to say here, it set a bunch of classics, dark world theme is super good though and the great fairy fountain theme will always be welcome whenever i hear it, either as the great fairy or as the title screen (tbh i prefer it more as the title screen theme) and the title screen theme! When that bursts out i wanna scream, It fills me with so much nostalgia for this series as a whole

Link's awakening:

Now this one is difficult, because this game is my favorite game out of the games i haven't played just plot wise, but for some reason listening to the music was just super tiring for no reason. Now i was listening to the gameboy version but i tried the swith version and it was also tiring and tedious to listen to?? Im going to go through the switch version ost at some point in time.

You can never go wrong with tal tal hights though, and the ballad of the windfish is just 😭

Ocarina of time:

Im afraid to say anything on it because of the fans of it XD i did play a tiny bit of the game but got to Zora's domain as a child and stopped

Obviously it has a great soundtrack, it has a ton more classics like gerudo valley and such. I like Sheik's theme. The fire temple i am aware is controversial and i think that's the reason it makes me so unnerved when i listen to either version of it

My absolute favorite though is Song of storms (or windmill hut). The first time i heard it, it just stuck with me and i am taken in by it, it luls me, its like magic, im enraptured by it. I don't know what it is about this 20 second theme but i can listen to this on repeat for hours, its one of the first things i learned on piano, when i played the game i just stood in the windmil hut for ages. Such a good track...

Majora's mask:

SUCH an earie ost! I have been wanting to play this game forever. The vibes the ost is just perfect for this game. Clock town is obviously good and its cool how it gets more and more frantic as time goes on, you really feel like time is running out. Overall i think the whole soundtrack does amazingly at embodying this idea.

Oracle of Ages and Seasons:

The two tracks are very similar rhat i can't eeally do these two games separately. For some reason i have a bias towards seasons despite not playing either or really knowing the story??

I love that seasons has song of storms (for some reason), skull pirate's escape is good (oos), ambi's place (ooa) noice, Nayru's song is so nice, and i adore the "Zelda awakens" theme that's in both of them

I love how the tracks for these went back to the boopy style, it makes the themes just has a certain feel that i cannot put words to that feels so right. I have the feeling that when i play these games im going to have a great time with them

Wind waker:

Tbh, not for me, the style of the music is just not the kind of thing i like. Doesnt mean it doesnt have really good tracks though!! Cannot go wrong with dragon roost and i do like a track that i cannot remember the name of (but tbh that is just mostly because i really like the beat) and the Great Sea sailing theme does sound so freeing, you can feel the wind in your hair with that track. Its just that the rest of the music style is just not something i dig so much, its just a personal opinion.

Four swords:

I forgot about this game, and could not recall the ost at all. Had to open sime tracks again to listen to and tbh all i can say is... meh? The ost isn't too great... gotta give it credit for it's version of the overworld theme thoug, possibly one of the better different renditions?

Minish cap:

A cute little game, dont remember much of the soundtrack but i have quite a few saved from it so it must count for something, and i really like the "story" theme whenever i hear it and Mt. Crenel is okay

Phantom hourglass:

Again, it has a similar style to wind waker and i didn't really like it. Linebeck's theme though, what a wonderful character! ("Return of the Ocean King" is also decent)

Spirit tracks:

I did not listen to this soundtrack but the ost is just *chefs kiss* from the ones ive heard. The tracks "the sacred duet" and "battle with king Malladus" are the tracks that made me desperately want to play this game and i am still longing to play it because of these two tracks. I love how throughout the Malladus battle theme there is the constant chugging of the train on the track. I have no doupt that the rest of the ost will be this amazing. (The title theme is perfect, you really feel like you are on a racing train) ive since listened to "in the fields" and ooooooh i love ittttt i so cannot wait to play this game!

Skyward sword:

Man you KNOW i can ramble about this forever. My favorite Zelda game! I cannot put into words how much this game's ost makes me feel all of the emotions in the world, i can only list a few tracks that make me feel so much oooough

Ballad of the goddess (obviously), Romance in the air makes me all fluttery and happy, skyloft theme always feels like home, any version of fi's theme puts me in tears, Groose's theme he is such a silly guy, the loftwing flying theme is so nostalgic, Ghirahim's theme is so menacing, all the Lanayru tracks have such a certain zen feel, silent realm theme's have such a frantic echoey empty perfect feel to them which fit so well, and the guardians awaken theme will make me have a heart attack, and the song of the hero has so many feelings ive talked about before, so much that this track alone made me make a painting for the scene.

This game just stepped into another feel of zelda music with the orchestra, and it captures the grandios of this big, timeline setting adventure so amazingly. I cannot get enough of this game. Arguably one of the best Zelda OSTs in my opinion.

A Link between worlds:

Such a good ost in this game. Dunno what i can say apart for it is one of the better ost's in the series for some tracks alone. Ravio's theme, Hilda's theme, Yuga's theme, Lorule overworld, all the milkbar tracks (the fact that there is also ballad of the godess in there makes me so happy as well), so much of the game's ost is so good!

Triforce heroes:

Such a surprisingly great ost for a game that sounds so much like a fever dream. The main theme?!?!? The woodlands?!?!?!?!? I cannot stop listening to these two such a bop, go listen to them!

Breath of the wild:

Botw has no music???? What the heck???

The tracks are so good! Even all the ambient piano flourishes! It fits the atmosphere so well, but you've probably heared people saying all this before so onto some of my favorite tracks

All the champion's themes fit each one so well, main theme cannot not be good, i lobe how Tarrey Town's theme builds up with each character's home town. The divine beast themes are really cool sounding. Parasailing minigame theme is so fun! Guardian theme will also give me a heart attack, the memory get jingle, i miss Kass and his music so much, Korok forest is so :D, HYRULE CASTLE IS SO GOOD OH MY i love the marching feel. Dark. Beast. Ganon. THIS THEME IS CRAZY BRO that piano!??!!?? All the everything going together?!??!!? This fight may be a victory lap and super easy but it sure as hell has some fire music!!!

Tears of the kingdom:

I finally finished this ost today. It reuses a lot from botw, and tbh it is a little dissapointing how none of the village themes changed even if it does feel safe and familiar, and the surface is largely the exact same even though it is where we spend so much of our time.

There are obviously amazing tracks original to this game though. The main theme was so amazing to hear in full after so long of waiting! So was the prologue theme ("poor Hyrule, for Link has found the body" remember that???) All the dungeon themes have me in awe alongside the sage themes. Each one just fills me with so much ough. The dungeons and their themes were definatly a massive step up from the previous game. I ranked all the sage themes before in another post and go deeper into each one. Link humming while cooking is so cute! The big "BWAAA" when diving into the depths feels so cool and creepy. One of my favorite details is that in the forgotten temple, next to the goddess statue you can hear a broken up version of Fi's theme which im so happy for the sksw ref! It also supports my favorite hc that the forgotten temple is the sealed grounds from sksw! (As well as the reward you get fron that quest but we aren't talking abiut that)

!!!!End spoilers next!!!!!

In the lead up to the final dive into ganondorf's army, the track reminds me of Skyrim and it really does not fit in Zelda. I feel like they shouldn't have used that track. Ganondorf's fight theme is so cool, how at first it is quiet to just hear you two dueling in an echoey room and them builds up. AND HOW CAN YOU FORGET THE FINAL FALL?!?!?!? Such a PERFECT END its amazing how is blends so smoothly to create the perfect scene, all your emotions building up to the end!!! Such a perfect ending to the game. All the music in the end sequence in the Hyrule castle chasm really does do an amazing job of dialing up and down the tension and emotions at the right moments and building up everything until the very end when the credits start rolling.

Overall the ost is great considering all the new tracks!

So that is all the games (other than tp and st)!

Now on to all of the non-cannon games! 🥲

[2nd-mushroom-circle]

lines that made me cry in my 3rd relisten to the chaos protocol ep 32 (MAJOR SPOILERS):

- “brother heed me, as you ought.” something about the way connie says brother this time… i will never be ok about sing and seir

- i mean i could say the entire rest of the opening monologue. but the little hesitance on “lover, hold me”? OW.

- THE WAY VAL’S VOICE SOUNDS ON THEIR FIRST LINE. illegal.

- similarly, the sobbing after “it is lost. forever.” always catches me off guard and RIGHT IN THE HEART

- the way connie just moves on to lumiéra after val says “something snaps”. cause there’s nothing more to say. nothing that can fix it.

- “a door that had been so carefully pried open slamming shut, and… he doesn’t feel.”

- “and he just… looks at where he should have been a shield.” have i ever mentioned that cai is a masterful storyteller? cause cai is a masterful storyteller and god. i’ll never stop feeling things about xainan esch

- this whole scene with xainan crumbling into dust destroys me.

- “you have always been half dead, xainan esch”

- connie calling oblivion the most beautiful person you’ve ever seen as xainan is drifting away from his own life sure is something, huh.

- “i think im just exhausted with being a coward” no cause i have so many feelings about lumiéra waiting, waiting, always a little too hesitant and afraid to tell sing how she really felt, even though sing felt the same, because it’s too scary because it’s too complicated because lumiéra is literally just fucking HUMAN and it takes so much to make that step - only for her to finally do it and it’s just. a moment. too. late.

- the moment when we move from lumiéra’s flashback to the present. the imagery of happy, triumphant, hopeful lumi giving way to lumi crouched over sing’s body, tear tracks staining her face.

- and the imagery of seir holding up lumiéra with his sister. fuck me i guess.

- THE FUCKING PERSPECTIVE SHIFT

- ok being fully fr seir’s monologue here is when i actually started crying in earnest this time. what the fuck val. not one line. all of them

- “the knife that is xainan” always hits me a little bit

- “whelming it’s pitiable vessel” is just such a good phrase. didn’t make me cry but i love it

- the music cue when artemis appears did make me cry though

- “eyes that immediately fall upon sing’s body” if i think too hard about artemis’s relationship with sing (artemis singing the twins to sleep, artemis signing her transfer request because artemis can see right through her, artemis giving them all the warning she can, artemis knowing when they die and appearing right away but unsurprised, with grief that has always been there, artemis making a choice) i will break. and start making some not-yet-canon assumptions about artemis’s own emotional state. so we are not thinking about that!

- “a lance in her chest” “bleeding.” ow ow ow the multiple possible readings of this line. connie and sea kicking off their insane narration chemistry with a lance to my chest. ow

- “those warm, gentle hands, that do not touch, that are so careful with their love” ok so when i said we weren’t feeling things about artemis? i lied

- “and when her hands pass through your flaming horns, snuffing them out like a candle at the end of its wick, it is not violent. it is not to put a cap on your grief, not to quiet you, not to for you into a box or a body that cannot contain you -“ “it is a mercy.” “it is the sweet mercy of rest when you have no tears left to cry.” the actual reason i’m relistening to this episode is to memorize all the words. so i can hold them like precious things in a box inside me. btw

- and artemis sings you and your sister to rest one final time.

ok. *wipes away tears.* anyways.

- artemis wiping a tear from lumiéra’s eye and calling her the bravest girl in the room .

- we interrupt your regularly scheduled tears to bring you: i’m gonna pull an øka* and punch fate in the fucking face. “this pain has a design”. yeah it’s called fate’s a BITCH and a BAD PARENT. and you can quote me on this

*i have not yet watched the second stranger only seen the clip of øka punching fate. so many times. i replayed that clip quite a bit after this episode.

- “and you cannot hold on to your life much longer. you are a dead man walking and you can go no farther than this.” ok back to crying! this is the sequence i was originally most abnormal about. and you know what? it still hits. so much. xainan my beloved

- sea and connie narrative trading my beloved.

- “do you want to live?” “i don’t know.” “then why don’t you come with me, and you can tell me your answer later.” god what a line. what a perfect response. there are no words that can fix this, but maybe with time and love and care someday you will want to live again. why don’t you come with me.

- “and she carries you home.”

- i don’t think i fully internalized the imagery of sing’s sword being driven into the earth by the roots of the world tree and the roots growing up around it before, but this time i imagined wildsailors hundreds of years from now coming upon this site and approaching it with reverence and love, knowing that it was here that something bigger than their world changed forever, holding sing’s eulogy in the very heartwood of the wildsea—yeah.

- “i love my dad, ok?” thanks abasi already sobbing.

- “it is effortless, the care that they hold for you. it is a reality unto itself.” just. cause. this is what i was hoping the whole time in the lead up to this episode. i know it would be awful and crushing and it would break them, and i was so worried that they would have to just. find a way to push on somehow. make plot happen anyways. but this, nova being cared for and held and protected in their grief? someone carrying them home when they can’t do it themselves anymore? this was just what they needed. and what i needed. i cannot wait for arc 2.