#i cant talk to anybody about the things i like because everyone has something negative to say all the time about innocuous things

[spearheadrampancy]

every time i come back to fandom spaces - like, the concept of A fandom at all - it seems like everyone is just so... hostile.

and yes some of the things that people are getting riled about are legitimate concerns and stuff, but it seems like everybody is just at each others throats more and more. feels like fandom is less a community and more a kind of label that some people present as some army rank or something.

i dont know. there's just something really sad about it. to log on and see shit like "if you think the princess would ever dare to wear a PURPLE 🤢🤢 skirt instead of the PINK one she is always seen wearing then you should kill yourself and i mean that genuinely." all the time. from all fandoms. from fandoms you didnt even know existed. from fandoms youve been entrenched in for years.

over the last couple of weeks i had started to wonder why i slowly felt less and less comfortable with being in fandom territory over the last 10 years, and i saw a post today talking about how tumblr itself is generally just hostile in the worst way and it clicked. it isnt really a fandom specific issue, it just happens to be prominent in fandom. it's not just a tumblr issue, or even an internet issue though. people on a day to day basis talking to their friends make jokes that are genuinely so aggressive and violent; there's some level of normalisation at play. i'm not sure where it comes from. there's something to be said about how it probably isnt healthy that we're constantly surrounded by news of Yet Another Moral Failing somewhere in the world, how there's a latent anger at everybody and anybody in every direction.

i'm not saying we're in the wrong to be angry at the world. i just think its sad that we've turned art and appreciation into a battleground for some reason.

fandom used to have rules like "dont yuck someone else's yum" and a whole litany of other phrases. but now everyone is just hostile all the time. it sucks. makes me want to stay far away.

[emogen-heaney]

cw // vent post, feel free to ignore i just need to type my thoughts out somewhere and pretty much all other social apps have text limits that i usually tend to exceed

tw // mentions of drüg abu$e, $h relaps3 thoughts & overall mental illness ass thoughts or whatever im kinda ass at this so im sorry

.

im just. really fucking tired /neg like i dont understand why im not happy. i should be happy, if that makes sense. im dating the boy of my literal dreams, who treats me absolutely amazingly and gives the type of love ive been looking for ever since i got out of my first ever relationship, hes so caring and kind and we talk 24/7 and even if we're upset (either at the other or at something else) we can talk things through and hes so forgiving and patient and gives me the perfect amount of attention that i need in romantic relationships and ive been seeing my mom a lot more and we've been having really fun times hanging out and shes getting custody of my youngest brother again soon this month and i have a reliable plüg and i had fairly good experiences with everything ive bought from her and ive been hanging out with friends and im finally passing summer school and mom has a car now and in theory, everything is perfect. i should be happy. but i feel fucking miserable???

i miss my best friend, i dont blame him at all for us not talking as much as we did during the school year n stuff but it just hurts i guess? but thats more of a me thing, im just very overly attached and relied on them way too much during the school year—to the point where my entire mood for the day pretty much depended on if he showed up or not, closer to the end of the year. and, him along with our (/pos) bf, i feel like theres so little communication no matter how hard i try to get everything to work out between everyone and i just want everyone to be happy and selfishly i want to help even if im not the sole reason for anybodys happiness i want to help at least a bit i want to make them smile and feel a little better when i can but i feel helpless and ive been clean for two-ish months now which is good i guess but at the same time im starting to feel that empty feeling of needing to do it again like if i dont im not valid or i didnt "actually struggle with it" if i dont have very obvious permanent sc4rs and im just really fucking overwhelmed, and tired. i dont feel like i could go to anyone with this because i know a majority of the people i do actually trust to talk to about these kind of things have enough problems of their own and would just push aside theirs to let me talk to them, because thats how wonderful and loving of people they are, but i cant do that to them.

im just really, really tired :/

[skellfamily]

you know, i wonder about Papyrus. it seems he exists to make other people happy - but is he alright?

he’s the bright spot in Sans’s life, pushing him to actually do stuff. he takes care of chores around the house. Papyrus is aware that Sans is going through troubles and tries to help him through it. Sans takes care of Papyrus in return, but does Sans know that Papyrus has troubles of his own? do they ever talk to each other about heavy stuff like that? probably not, given Papyrus says “SANS NEVER TELLS ANYBODY ANYTHING!” and the way Sans hides important things from Papyrus.

he’s Undyne’s best friend. she seems to view him as like a little brother, and wants to protect him. to the point of not being honest with him about why she hasn’t and won’t let him join the Guard, which makes him feel that he’s doing something wrong. like Sans, she lies to him, ostensibly to protect his feelings (though in reality it’s probably more because they cant bring themselves to tell the truth), when it just makes things worse for him. 

he’s probably Flowey’s closest friend too. Flowey views Papyrus as especially fun to mess around with, but more than that, he probably does actually care about Papyrus in his own way. he may know Papyrus better than anyone (see: him knowing Papyrus’s favorite food when others, even Papyrus himself, didn’t). but of course he also manipulates him and betrays his trust.

and Papyrus tries his best to live up to that role, to make other people feel better. when he befriends Frisk, he doesnt want to disappoint/anger Undyne due to his failure to capture the human, so he tries to put on a precarious balancing act so that he can please both of his friends.

he wonders where Sans would be without him around to take care of him - and really, where would Sans be without his brother? Papyrus never admits he has problems or negative thoughts. in the King Papyrus ending, he puts on a cheerful front while Sans is around. when Sans leaves he finally starts talking about his worries, but even then he’s not speaking to anyone, just leaving a message on Frisk’s phone.

the guy is even willing to risk his own life to show kindness and mercy to a rampaging murderer, despite his own fear, and despite the fact that he could have easily tried fighting them off if he wanted.

i don’t wanna be like “this happy and positive character is ACTUALLY super depressed!!” but i really wonder if Papyrus is ok. has anyone ever asked him how he’s doing? does anyone wonder if he has problems? Papyrus talks himself up a lot and sounds so confident all the time. but how much of that is him feeling the need to be a bright spot for other people’s sakes? when you think about it, despite how much you speak to him, he doesnt reveal that much about himself. i wouldnt be surprised if he’s hiding stuff - from everyone. 

trying to make others happy, while not caring about your own happiness, that’s not a good way to live. idk, maybe i’m looking into this too much. but i’d like to think there’s more to Papyrus than meets the eye, more than a lot of fans give him credit for.

[jalapeno-princess]

Feels Like Falling in Love

Mark X Reader

Genre: Cheesy fluff

Word Count: 6.5K

Summary: You are assigned to a science project with Mark and over the course of working on your project together, you end up falling for the soft spoken introvert and little do you know, he’s falling for you too.

A/n: (He has such pretty fingers wtf) Anyways, I’ve been wanting to write a story about nerdy Mark for a while now and I got the idea from my science fair in the 8th grade idk just the thought of Mark being a soft spoken and shy “nerd” is the most adorable thing ever ugh I miss Mark

“Alright class, for your next upcoming project, you and a partner; which I have already pre-assigned will choose a scientific research topic to work on for your last assignment before spring break. This project is work a huge percent of your grade so I want you all to put as much hard work and dedication in to this specific assignment as you’ve done for the last few months of this semester. Once I announce whose going to be working with you, you will spend the rest of class coming up with ideas and brainstorming with your partner. This is a three week long project and although I’m giving you quite a generous amount of time to work on this project, I expect nothing but grade A products. Okay, let’s start.” 

Your teacher began to call out the names and as you looked around the room, you soon grew nervous at the idea of working alongside someone who would be no help whatsoever during this entire project. There was nothing more you hated as a senior in high school than group projects. It seemed as if all of your classmates were well aware of how smart and hard working you were and how much time and effort you put in to every single assignment you had. In the past, you’ve found yourself getting taken advantage of because of how kind and selfless you could be and sometimes you’d end up doing the entire project by yourself. 

One thing you wished you could change about yourself was how much of a pushover you could be. Being the social butterfly you were, you made friends with practically everybody and anybody. Everyone knew they could depend on you for whatever it was they needed help with and they knew you would never say no. Unfortunately, it was never in your nature to ever tell someone no. The last time you told someone you couldn’t do something for them, you felt guilty the entire day and ended up going along with whatever it was that they asked of you. 

Soon everyone was being paired up and the only people that were left was your two best friends BamBam and Jackson, and one of the smartest people in your entire grade; Mark Tuan. Mark, in more or less words, was considerably the biggest nerd there could ever be. He knew the answer to any question someone had related to education. If you needed a calculus problem solved, the answer to who discovered North America or the summary of “The Great Gatsby”, Mark was your guy. He was known to be quite the introvert and had very little friends. 

You’d find him with his face buried in a book or playing video games on his Nintendo switch. Even during class, he never seemed to pay any mind to anyone and only spoke up in class whenever your teacher would call on him. As much as you loved your friends, you were secretly hoping your teacher paired you up with Mark. You were sure she was aware of the two class clown’s reputations and how they were both borderline failing. Knowing that information, you couldn’t help but feel as if she would give you one of them instead of the quiet boy in attempts to help both Jackson and BamBam with their grades. If they put as much time and dedication in to their studies as they did with sports and house parties, then maybe they wouldn’t be on probation from graduating. 

“For the final four, I’ve thought about this for a long time and although I know I’m making a mistake for obvious reasons, y/n, you’re going to be partners with Mark and Jackson, you’re partnering up with BamBam.” You let out a sigh of relief and had to stifle back a laugh when you heard Jackson begin to whine at your teacher’s decision. 

“But Mrs.Young, I cant be partners with BamBam—you might as well give me an F now—ow! I’m just telling the truth! It’s obvious our dumbasses aren’t capable of getting anything done.” Jackson and BamBam began to bicker but your teacher was quick in getting them to stop talking and went over some important information that would help you all with the project. Once she was done explaining what she expected of the class, she sent you to get in to your groups with the intent of having you and your partner get started on your planning. 

As you started to reach for your things in order to make your way towards Mark, he just so happened to take the seat next to you and quietly placed his things down. “I—um—hi y/n.” You gave him a soft smile before pulling out your notebook. 

“Hi Mark. So, do you have any ideas on how you want to find out whose mouths are dirtier; Dogs or humans?” He nodded in agreement before handing over notes you assumed he must’ve wrote down as your teacher gave out the topics. You knew Mark was incredibly intelligent; the teachers never failed to rave about how quick he’d solve answers and how he always turned in assignments the day they were assigned. Seeing his notes and all of his ideas made your head spin. There was no way you’d come up with any of these ideas and you were extremely grateful that your teacher put you and Mark together. 

“Wow—these proposals are amazing. How did you come up with these in less than five minutes?” He shrugged before looking around the classroom and sneakily taking out his phone when he noticed your teacher was busy talking to another group. 

“I just typed the question in to google. But I’ve actually done research on this topic in the past. I have a dog named Milo—he tends to lick me a lot and I was curious as to how dirty his mouth is—sorry. Too much information.” You shook your head to let him know it was okay. Although this was the first time you’ve ever interacted with Mark, you were pretty sure with the reputation he kept up as the teacher’s pet and “the most reliable geek in school” that this was probably one of the longest conversations he’s had with anybody and you couldn’t help but feel a little excited at the thought of him being comfortable with you. 

“No no—that’s really cool. I’d be interested too if I had any pets. I mean, they drink toilet water and eat their own poop, I’m sure their mouths are extremely dirty. Imagine waking up to them licking all over your face only to find out they were sniffing another dog’s butthole.” When you heard the soft giggle fall from his lips, you felt embarrassed at how you had no filter. You tended to talk a little too much about the most unnecessary things sometimes and you were sure you got that from Jackson. If you were having this conversation with one of your friends, you wouldn’t have felt as weird but seeing as how you and Mark hardly knew each other, you didn’t want his first impression of you being a bad one. 

“Sorry, now I’m the one giving out too much information. This all sounds really good by the way. Did you want to start scheduling when you wanted to meet up to work on the project?” He took out his planner and began flipping through the pages to this week and looked over the days. Seeing him use a planner made you happy for some odd reason. It was probably because you knew there was a possibility Mark was probably the only student who put the school’s planner to good use. Jackson lost his on the second day of school but he never used any of the past planners any way. 

“I’m free after school tomorrow if that’s good with you. Maybe we can use my dog as the experiment and then we can both test ourselves and compare the two? Would you mind coming over to my place?” You smiled and nodded in agreement and you began to feel something weird in your stomach as you started to think about spending time with Mark. You’d be lying if you said you didn’t find him attractive. Even if he wore big, circular glasses and his wardrobe consisted mainly of khaki shorts and polos, he was extremely good looking and you were sure that if he were to join a sport rather than the math and robotics team, then maybe he’d embrace his looks just a bit more. But at the same time, there was something you liked about how he presented himself to everyone. He was quiet, shy and a very introverted person; however it made him well—him. 

You were sure he was content with the way he went about with things and nobody ever seemed to bother him in a negative way which you were grateful for. You never knew why, but although you didn’t know Mark personally, over the course of having him in this class, you couldn’t help but observe him every now and then and you’ve slowly grown fond of his quiet and gentle personality. You’ve also become very protective over him and whenever BamBam or Jackson would make jokes about what a nerd he was, you’d find yourself defending him. 

Once class was over, you and Mark exchanged numbers and planned to walk over to his house as soon as school was over. You couldn’t help but be excited to spend time with Mark. He seemed to be one of the only people you had yet to build a friendship with and you could only hope that he would want to become friends with you. For all you knew, Mark could be the type of person that was all work and no play whenever it came to his education and you were sure that was the reason for his good grades and the dozens of scholarships he received back in your junior year. 

When you began walking towards your locker, you weren’t able to even turn the dial once before you were joined by tweedle-dee and tweedle-dum and they both had the biggest frowns on their faces. Deep down, you knew exactly why they were coming to you and no matter how many occasions you’d find yourself giving in to them, this time was different. Not only did you want a good grade on this project and a partner you could depend on, but this was your only chance of becoming closer with Mark and you would shave your head bald before letting either of them get in the way of your desired objective. Before Jackson could open his mouth, you were already shaking your head in disagreement; earning yourself whines from the both of them.

“No. My answer is no.” Jackson crossed in arms in frustration as BamBam decided to take things another direction. As soon as you felt him wrap his arms around you, you quickly pulled yourself from out of his embrace and gave him a knowing look. 

“Y/n, you don’t even know what we’re asking for—“

“You want me to ask Mrs.Young to switch our partners. I’m not stupid. I knew this was going to happen as soon as she announced the pairings. My answer is no and there’s nothing either of you can do about it. I’m going to tell you both now, your puppy dog eyes aren’t going to work on me this time. Mark and I already planned out our project and instead of trying to get me to change my mind, which; is already set by the way, you two should start brainstorming on how you can stop bread from molding.” 

The three of you have been friends for over ten years, so you knew the many tricks they had up their sleeve and you had a feeling they would do whatever they could in their power to get you to rethink your decision. As much as you wanted to be able to help them in any way that you could, they were high school seniors who needed to be responsible for themselves. You were their best friend, not their mother and you weren’t going to sacrifice your grade and having a partner who’d actually do his share just to make your friends happy. 

The next day, your mind was too busy with thoughts of Mark and working on your project that you didn’t pay much attention in any of your classes. You’ve seen him in class every single day and you’ve known the soft spoken boy since middle school, why were you so flustered at having to work with him? If it were anyone else, you’d have such an easy time to interact with them. But something about Mark made you shy and you could only hope you wouldn’t embarrass yourself during your study session. When the last period came around, you walked in to class and saw that Mark was sitting in the seat next to yours. You gave him a small smile and found yourself warming up when he returned one back. 

“Hey, I actually started working on the assignment last night. Our topic is actually very interesting and I couldn’t help the aspiring biology major inside of me. I took some DNA samples from Milo after we came back from a walk but I wanted to save all the fun stuff for later. You’re not allergic to dogs are you?” You shook your head in disagreement and felt a smile growing on your face the more he went in to detail about his enthusiasm. If you already thought Mark was just by his quiet and extremely polite nature, hearing how passionate he was about science; a subject almost everyone in your grade seemed to hate made your heart flutter. 

The two of you haven’t even started working on the project just yet. How were you going to control yourself around him for the next couple of weeks? Throughout the lesson, Jackson and BamBam attempted to send melancholic looks your way as their final attempt to get you to switch partners with one of them, but you were too interested in what Mark had to say to pay any attention to either of them. You had a hard time understanding how someone could make different types of bacteria in dog and human saliva sound so cute. Once class was finally over, you and Mark began making your way over to his house. 

Luckily, he didn’t live all too far away from school because you felt like the walk would be extremely awkward and quiet. Sure, you were known to be outgoing and sometimes outspoken to the point where someone had to tell you to quiet down. But things were different with Mark. He made you feel flustered and intimidated just by his presence alone. 

“Can I be honest with you?” You looked up at him and nodded while motioning for him to continue his question. “I’m glad we’re partners. I uh—I was hoping Mrs.Young was going to pair us up together. I know we hardly know each other, but you’re the only other student in the class who genuinely seems interested in learning. You’re always giving her your attention unlike everyone else who seems to either fall asleep or go on their phones. I look forward to working with you y/n. I know I’m not the most outgoing or talkative person ever, but if it’ll make you feel more comfortable I’ll try my best in communicating with you.” 

Hearing that he was willing to go out of his comfort zone to make sure you felt comfortable sent warmth to your cheeks. You also couldn’t stop replaying what he said about observing you in class in your mind. For someone who didn’t seem to interact with anyone other than teachers and his friends, he seemed to have an easy time talking with you and you could only hope he felt like he could be himself around you. 

To your surprise, Mark was quite the conversationalist. He began talking about so many things and asked you questions that he claimed he was curious about. You would’ve never thought that Mark played both basketball and baseball in middle school nor did he seem like the type who enjoyed baking but he promised you his chocolate chip cookies were to die for and that he’d make you some once the two of you made it to his house. After almost twenty minutes of walking which literally seemed like five minutes with how much fun you were having learning different things about the handsome boy, the two of you reached his house and like the gentleman he claimed to be, he opened the door and allowed you to walk in first. 

“Please don’t mind the mess, my sister visits with her daughters every now and then and I think my mom mentioned something about them coming over today. Plus Milo has his toys scattered all around, but make yourself at home. I’ll get us something to eat and then we can head upstairs to my room—I mean, if you’re okay with that. If not, we can work down here.” Seeing him scratch the back of his neck in embarrassment made you giggle softly to yourself. It was a habit of his that you noticed he’d do every time he felt bashful or nervous. It was cute. He was cute and you were quickly finding more and more things about him that you liked the longer you stayed with him. 

“Mark sweetie is that you—oh hello! I’m Mark’s mom. You must be y/n. You’re right Mark, she’s extremely beautiful—I mean—you know what I think your dad needs me in the garden. It was nice meeting you dear! Don’t hesitate to ask me if you need anything.” You turned your attention towards the ground, trying your best not to make it obvious that her words made you feel as if your heart was about to jump out of your chest. It was one thing for his mother to compliment you, but to hear her agree with Mark on how beautiful he told her you were made you feel giddy inside. He thought you were beautiful? You wondered what else he must’ve told his mom but you decided to keep it to yourself because you knew with the way she practically bolted out of the kitchen that she wasn’t supposed to say that. Although, you were extremely happy that she did. 

“Uh, please don’t mind her. You know parents—they can be quite embarrassing sometimes. Can I get you something to drink? We have orange juice, lemonade, water, Pepsi—“

“I’m fine with water. Thank you.” He reached in to the fridge and grabbed two bottles of water and some sandwiches before making his way to the cabinet and grabbing some chips. 

“Follow me.” The two of you made your way up the stairs and a smile began rising on your face at the sight of all his family photos. You didn’t know that he had three other siblings and it made you snicker at how much they all looked alike. Good looks obviously ran in their family. When Mark didn’t feel you following after him, he took a look to where you were and his eyes practically jumped out of his head when he saw you looking at photos of him when he was younger. 

“Oh God y/n—stop—don’t look at those they’re so embarrassing. Why didn’t I think to cover them up?” He briskly walked over to you and absentmindedly grabbed at your wrist gently and pulled you behind him in the direction of his room. You were thankful he wasn’t looking at you because you were sure your cheeks were as pink as they were warm at the skin ship. His touch was soft and it was quite feather like for someone who was trying to pry you away from childhood mementos. 

As the two of you entered his room, you were quick to notice just how much his room matched him. Although you had so much to learn about Mark, the multiple anime figurines on his desk along with a couple of action movies on his wall, his PlayStation, Xbox and a mini globe on his night stand emulated exactly what you’d picture his room to look like. His room was quite tidy for a guy; there was no where you could sit in Jackson’s room and you were sure there had to be a rat living somewhere in BamBam’s with the way you couldn’t even see the ground. He pulled out the chair from his desk and motioned for you to take a seat as he walked right back outside. Mark gave you no time to ask where he was going before he reentered the room with whom you assumed to be Milo. 

“Here is our test subject. Say hi Milo.” He placed Milo down on the ground and the little pup immediately made his way towards you. 

“He’s so fluffy and extremely adorable. Mind if I pick him up?” He shook his head and you allowed Milo to jump on to your lap before running your fingers through his hair. You were so in to playing with Milo, that you didn’t realize the look of admiration on Mark’s face as he watched you play with his dog. A toothy grin rose on his face watching you squeeze and play around with Milo and it made him feel warm inside. This was the longest he ever went spending time with a girl. Being the introverted person that he was, it was already hard for him to interact with other students. What more with girls? Especially girls he found very pretty with a bright and bubbly personality. 

If someone were to tell Mark that he would be in his room with the girl he’s had a crush on since freshman year, he would’ve laughed in their face but here he was; watching you holding and leaving soft kisses on his puppy while sitting at his computer desk. He had to be dreaming. The two of you came from different worlds; Mark hid himself in his books and spent most of his time in the library whereas you were constantly joining all these different clubs and befriending almost everyone on campus. He never thought he stood a chance with you; let alone being your friend. Watching you from afar in class, helping your friends and practically anyone in the class you had a hard time understanding the material on top of being the only optimistic student in a bunch of pessimists  is what got Mark to develop a little crush on you. 

He felt like it was stupid; how could he gain feelings for someone he hasn’t even talked to once in his four years of knowing them. But he didn’t have to know you personally to know how much of an amazing person you were. It was all he ever heard about from teachers, your fellow classmates and even some of your friends. You were the school’s social butterfly. Everyone who knew you wanted to be your friend and naturally gravitated towards you. It didn’t help that he thought you were the most beautiful girl he’s ever seen, and the fact that you had an equally beautiful heart made things even harder for him. 

“You have call of duty black ops 4? Where’d you get it? It’s been sold out everywhere for months!” Seeing you so excited over something he was also heavily interested in brought him joy. You were so adorable. “My uncle’s friend is actually a video game artist, so he got a few copies and gave me one. Did you maybe want to play once we finish—or we could play a little bit now and work on the project later. We have a few weeks to work on it so we should be fine.” 

Deep down you knew that you should’ve been starting on your project, it was the reason why you were currently at Mark’s house in the first place but you couldn’t help the fact that you’ve been dying to get your hands on the new installment of your favorite video game and like he said, you both had plenty of time to work on it. You didn’t mean to pout at the idea of waiting till later to play and you found it weird how natural it felt being around Mark, but you liked it and you could get used to it. He handed you the controller and you navigated through the game like a natural. 

To say Mark was in shock at how good you were was an understatement. Most girls Mark knew would never go near a game console let alone play such a difficult game with such ease. At one point, you were doing way better than he was and he found himself smiling like an idiot at your eagerness to kill all the bad guys. For the next few hours, the two of you took turns playing while snacking on the sandwiches and chips he brought up for you both. He even sneaked away to the kitchen to get you some of the cookies he mentioned earlier and your reaction was the most adorable thing Mark has ever seen. Your cheeks were puffy and you had a mouth full of cookies, but that didn’t stop you from telling him how delicious they were. 

The two of you were so focused on playing that you didn’t realize exactly what time it was until Mark’s mom knocked on his door and asked you if you were staying for dinner. Not wanting to intrude on his family, nor were you mentally prepared to meet all of them just yet, you politely declined and thanked her for her hospitality before calling your dad to come pick you up. While waiting for your parents to arrive, you and Mark continued your conversation from where you left off earlier before giving all your attention to his xbox. 

Listening to Mark talk about things that most people would consider boring felt like a breath of fresh air. He had to be one of the only people if not the only person you knew who preferred listening to classical music than to what was playing on most radio stations. In the few hours you got to spend with him, you decided that Mark Tuan was one of your favorite people and you couldn’t wait to learn more about him and bond with him for the next couple of weeks. When your mom let you know that they had just arrived, you said your goodbyes to the Tuan family and thanked Mark for being such a great host. As soon as you got in the car, the huge smile on your face caught your mom’s attention and she was quick to ask the question that’s been eating at her the minute she saw Mark walking you over to your car and saying hello to both of your parents. 

“He’s cute! And quite the gentleman. You like him don’t you?” Your eyes widened in shock at her revelation but your mom knew you better than anyone else. You didn’t need to say it out loud, your facial expression as he held the door open for you and walked you over to your car spoke for you. 

You were falling for Mark. 

Over the next few weeks, you and Mark were practically attached by the hip. After the first time he sat next to you in class, he never returned back to his actual spot and continued sitting next to you even if most of your classmates sat in their regular assigned seats. Then as soon as school was over, you’d head over to either his house, your house, the library or the coffee shop just a few minutes away from school. Most of your time together was spent working on your project, but there were a few moments where the two of you would take a break to eat, play some video games, watch a movie or just talk. 

Even during lunch, instead of hanging out with your usual group, you found yourself sitting with Mark and they didn’t seem to mind it. A few of your friends knew of your crush on Mark and in fact, it was your friend Jinyoung who suggested that you go and sit with Mark in order to “get to know your science partner better.” Once BamBam and Jackson caught wind of the feelings you’ve developed for Mark, they did not let you hear the end of it. 

“So this is why you were so adamant on not switching partners. You have a thing for Markie boy. I don’t blame you, he has the brains and he’s actually pretty good looking if I do say so myself. From what I hear from some of my teammates, apparently he has a big dick—what? That’s what I heard—well anyways, I think you should act on your feelings. Mark doesn’t seem like the type to tell someone he likes them so you’re going to continue wasting your time ogling over him if you don’t make a move—don’t look at me like that y/n it’s 2020 anything is possible. Equality for all.” 

As much as you hated whenever your friends would get involved in your relationships, Jackson had a point. Even if you and Mark have grown close in the last two weeks, he didn’t seem like the type of guy to confess his feelings for someone. Hell, you had a feeling you were the only girl he ever talked to which you were extremely grateful for. Mark seemed to be a very private person who enjoyed being mysterious and preferred to be to himself a lot; so you were honored to be one of the only people he genuinely seemed to trust. You’d like to consider you and Mark friends at this point and you’ve noticed in the last few days that he’s been more touchier and flirtatious than usual. 

You didn’t think Mark; the so called “nerdy and irritatingly intelligent gamer” was capable of such smooth pickup lines until he used one about you being made of copper and tellurium because you are “Cu-Te” and it might’ve been a scientific joke to him but it really set your bones on fire. Since there were only a few days left until your project was due, you decided that you’d tell Mark how you feel no matter what the outcome was. You both were practically finished with the project and spent most of your days having fun together rather than working. So if things went to shit, then you could pretend as if nothing happened and go about your life like how it was before this science project. 

Although, the idea of no longer having Mark in your life sent an unsettling sensation to your stomach. The two of you were currently at his house watching a movie and he had explained to you that both his parents and his brother were away at one of Joey’s taekwando tournaments leaving you and Mark all alone with Milo. The thought of actually being all alone with Mark both worried you and delighted you. As much as you enjoyed being around his family, it would be much easier to tell him how you felt about him without people around. When Mark first offered to put on a movie, you had to laugh when you noticed just how far he sat away from you on the couch. 

You knew he was trying to be a gentleman and that he didn’t want to make you uncomfortable, but you found yourselves on a few occasions practically cuddling up on his bed. While the movie played, you’d absentmindedly look at Mark every now and then mentally tracing his handsome features and wanting nothing more than to kiss his pretty pink heart shaped lips. The longer you analyzed his face, the more you began to find things that you never realized before like the cute little mole right above his lip or the scar right above his eyebrow. You also couldn’t help but imagine what he would look like without his glasses and soon you found yourself wanting to know if he ever went without them. 

“Hey Mark?” You could tell by the way his eyes were practically glued to the television that he was very interested in the movie so you felt bad for interrupting him, but he paused it in order to give you his full attention and nonverbally motioned for you to go on. 

“Have you ever thought about getting contacts?” He looked at you in curiosity and actually thought about the question for a few moments before shaking his head. 

“My optometrist asked me a couple of times but I always decline. I know you’ll probably think I’m a wimp for saying this but I have a fear of not knowing how to put them on and accidentally poking my eye out so I just stay safe and go with glasses. How come?” You shrugged nonchalantly although your heart rate began to increase at the thought of your next words. 

“You have really pretty eyes. I guess I just want to see them better but your comfort is the most important thing.” You began to pick at your fingers and Mark was glad your attention was elsewhere or else you would’ve seen just how crazy you’ve been driving him in the last few weeks having to do all these things with you and not getting to kiss you, hold you and do all these cute, romantic things that most couples did because all Mark wanted at the end of the day was to be the lucky guy who you called yours. 

“Oh—I—I’m—um—thank you. Maybe I’ll take contacts in to consideration just for you.” You let out a light chuckle and shook your head in disagreement. 

“No no, you’re totally fine. You look good with or without glasses. Please don’t feel like you’d have to do anything because of me—“

“I’d do anything for you y/n. Anything you’d ask me to do I’d do it in a heartbeat. Oh and you—you have a really pretty face and a really pretty personality. Hell, everything about you is really pretty—ah shit. That was weird wasn’t it? Please forget I said anything.” He began to reach for the controller as a way to distract you and to get you to forget what he just said but there was no way you could ever forget hearing him say that everything about you is pretty. Right as he was about to resume, you reached at his hand, took the controller and turned off the movie. He looked at you with the most adorable look of confusion and you decided it was now or never. 

“Mark.”

“Hmmm?”

“Can I kiss you?” The cough that fell from his lips was unexpected and you took that as a negative sign. You wanted nothing more than for the ground to swallow you whole. When was breaking out in to a fit of coughs ever a good sign after asking someone if you could kiss them? You hid your face in your hands and tried your best not to look at him in fear of crying because you ruined everything. 

“You know what? Please forget I said anything I must be going insane it’s the lack of sleep and—“ he playfully covered your mouth in attempts to stop you from talking so that he could explain himself. 

“Don’t get me wrong, I want to kiss you. Trust me, I really, really want to kiss you. I’ve been thinking about kissing these pretty lips of yours for longer than I’d like to admit okay—and I hope by hearing that confession you now know that I like you. I like you a lot y/n. I’ve liked you since freshman year and I’ve always felt so dumb because we didn’t know each other back then but I knew enough to want to be someone special in your life. I—I’ve never kissed anyone before. Pathetic right? A high school senior who has never been kissed. I’m a fucking loser and I’m afraid of messing things up—“ the minute Mark felt your lips smash against his, his heart melted in to a puddle. 

You reached for his hands and brought them down to your waist as you wrapped yours around his neck, pulling him closer in order to deepen the kiss. He was still in shock for the first few seconds and you knew he was still hesitant on continuing the kiss because he had no clue what he was doing, but after a few moments, his lips melded  perfectly with yours. His lips were soft and tasted like butter from the popcorn and you couldn’t help but giggle at how rough and clumsy his kisses grew the longer the two of you made out but it didn’t matter. 

It was special and you knew there would be many kisses shared between the two of you later on and he had plenty of time to work on his kissing skills; although for a first timer, he was actually really good and you knew you were going to get addicted to the feeling of his lips on yours. When you needed to catch your breath, you pulled away earning yourself a soft whine and placed your forehead against his. 

“Wow—I uh—that was—you were—wow. Can we—can I kiss you again?” You snickered at his excitement and nodded; not being able to say no since you wanted it too. He cupped your cheek in his palm and reconnected your lips together. To your surprise and delight, he swiped his tongue along your bottom lip and brought it in between his teeth before shoving his tongue down your throat. You were shocked to say the least at what a natural he was, especially since kissing wasn’t the easiest thing to do. 

“Are you sure this was your first time? I don’t think anyone whose never been kissed before knows how to French kiss. You’re a cheeky one aren’t you Tuan? I like you too by the way.” His laughter filled the room before he pulled you on to his lap and hid his face in the crook of your neck. 

“Date me. Please?” Now it was your turn to laugh. God, how could someone be this cute yet kiss like he’s been doing it for years? What else was he hiding from you? When you quickly nodded and stole a kiss from the corner of his mouth, he released a content sigh and tightened his grip on your waist before turning the movie back on. 

“Wait—babe, humans have more bacteria in their saliva than dogs do. Ew!!! If this is what kissing entails than I better keep some mouthwash on hand because I plan on kissing you a lot.”

“Way to ruin the mood Tuan.”

[harryhooksgazebos267]

Blackpink The Album Review~

I love this album! All of the songs are bops, and the packaging is so cute! So the way this is gonna work is I’m gonna give a number ranking to the songs, rank then in order from my favorite to least favorite, talk about the physical albums, give my final thoughts, and then do an overall ranking 🙈✨

Number ranking for songs~

How you like that~10/10

So the first time I heard this so I instantly fell in love with it. I don’t care what anybody says, this song is a fucking bop.

Ice cream~10/10

I think the first time I heard it I liked it but it wasn’t an “I LOVE THIS SONG” as soon as I heard it. Buuuuuut, the more I heard it the more it grew on me and now I really really love this song. It makes me super happy to listen to and makes my mood rise whenever I hear it.

Pretty savage~ 10000/10

Pretty Savage is that bitch and you’re lying to yourself if you say you hate this song. The beat, the vocals, the raps 🙈✨ Oh and then when Jennie is like “saaaaavvvvvaaaagggggeeeee” and Jisoo saying “you better run run run” 🥵 Rosé saying “pretty girl” and everytime Lisa says “all my diamonds blah blah” oh my god. This song is my sexuality now.

Bet you wanna~8/10

So I had a lot of hopes for this song because of Cardi B but it kind of fell through. To clarify I really do like this song, when it comes on I don’t skip it because I still enjoy it but it isn’t my favorite off the album. Rosé’s vocals saved this song and it shows lmao. Like I said, still like the song but it’s not my favorite.

Lovesick girls~1000/10

Okay so when I first heard this I thought it was super cute and I liked it but it was just 🤷‍♀️ for me. But for some reason I just kept rewatching the MV (I don’t stream cause I ain’t got time for all that) and I would replay it everytime it came on. There are lyrics that really hit home. To be specific: “we were born to be alone but why we still looking for love” , “Everyone eventually leaves, I’ve become numb to crying, Hurt over and over again”. There were more but those are the ones that stuck out to me the most. I feel like this song applies a lot to things and relationships (like friendships and other relationships) I’ve had or have so it just hits a little different. Of course there also is Jennie’s iconic rap and then the MV! Lisa’s jacket that has flashing lights hits different, Rosé with pink hair in the bathtub, Jisoo in water 😭😭 Oh my god I can’t! I really love this song and music video.

Crazy over you~ 10000/10

Once again, this song is that bitch. It’s the beat for me and when they say “sound the alarm”, “I’m crazy over you” oh gosh it’s perfect 🥴😭 And the vocals right before the “I am crazy over you”!!!!! Don’t even get me started on Rosé and Jisoo 😭 JeSuS this song lives in my head rent free. I LOVE this song. The way I walk around the house just repeating “I am crazy over you” and dance is embarrassing. That song makes me feel like a bad bitch for some reason. Everything about it is perfect. Pretty Savage was my fafavorite song but I think this has replaced it honestly. I could go on and on as to why this song is THAT song but I’ll save y’all the headache lmao.

Love to hate me~9/10

So I don’t hate this song but it was pretty forgettable for me. The first time I heard it, it was my least favorite. It’s not that I hate it because it’s constantly stuck in my head but it just doesn’t stick out to me as much as the other songs do. However, this song hits a little different. Like the lyrics 🙈✨ Oh and I really love the part where they’re lowkey whispering. Like the “wake up, yeah, make up, maybe” that part and then Lisa’s rap....those parts hit a little different. So yeah, not my favorite but still a good song.

You never know~ 1000/10

This was the perfect way to end the album. A softer song that has that raw emotion...absolutely beautiful. This song really really hits home. A lot of people think I’m this perfect person because I’m pretty smart, I have good friends, I get the leads in the plays and musicals, im nice to everyone, I go to an art school and it basically just seems like im thriving but the truth is I do be struggling. I have a lot of hardships I’ve had to overcome and that I’m still overcoming yet a lot of people don’t know that. I’ve gone through a lot to be where I am today and people like to think I have this perfect life because that’s the front I put up. So this song just hits a little different. When Jennie sings the chorus that really hit different because it just made me think of how much hate and bullshit she has to go through. Obviously I also thought about all the hate every single one of them has to put up with. We think their lives are perfect yet we’ll never truly know how much they struggle unless we’re in their shoes. This song is so beautiful and the vocals just....wow. Idk what it is about how Jisoo starts the song but there is something so pretty about how she sings. Anyway, love this song so much. I saw some people say this was forgettable but I completely disagree. The lyrics hit different. Even if you haven’t gone through what the girls are singing about, you’ve experienced someone who has and I feel like thinking about that person while listening to the song just makes your heart hurt a little. Idk, this song is so perfect to me.

Ranking the songs in order from favorite to least favorite~

1.) Crazy over you

2.) Pretty Savage

3.) You never know

4.) Lovesick Girls

5.) How you like that

6.) Ice Cream

7.) Love to hate me

8.) Bet You Wanna

Physical Album Thoughts~

So, the physical album is super cute! So for version 3 I had the impression that it was going to have a smoky look but it ended up just being shinny so that was lowkey weird lmao. I got version 2 because pink is my favorite color but I almost got the 3rd version (version 4 was sold out when I went to preorder) so I’m glad I got the 2nd version. I love the cover of the photo book, it’s so beautiful and it was a nice little surprise that the picture changes. All of the pictures in each of the photo books are so so cute! The girls look absolutely stunning. I personally perfer their past photo books only because I’m a sucker for the concept photos and seeing pics from the music video buuut like I said all of the pictures are beautiful and I’m so happy with the quality and how many pictures are in the photo book. The only other problem I had with the photo book is I wish they did it like the past ones where all of the pink versions had color with the black stuck to the darker gray, white, and black themes. Version 2 is kind of like both of the black versions but still, the pictures are great so I cant complain at all! Love the postcards and they feel very smooth. Great pictures, could look at them all day. Love the size of the poster, very cute! I saw pictures of the group PCs and I wish they were different cause they kind of looked the same but maybe they look different in person. The sticker is so cute, love the black and white picture you get, and I LOVE the random postcards and random photo cards. Overall, you get a lot and I’m in love with the packaging. Some little things that bothered me but the quality was great so I can’t complain 🤷‍♀️

Final thoughts~

Everything about this album is perfect. There are no songs that I hate or dislike. None that I skip and none I wouldn’t listen to by itself. I disagree with people saying pretty savsavage should have been the title track instead of lovesick girls. We got the black with how you like that, we got the pink with ice cream, and lovesick girls was a mix of the two. Obviously that song meant something to the girls since Jisoo and Jennie wrote some of the lyrics and helped produce it. I think people would have complained if Pretty Savage was the title track because they always want the girls to do “something different” and lovesick girls was something different. At first I was a little sad by the fact that there were only 8 songs but honestly I’d rather have quality over quantity. Each song felt like they spent a lot of time on it and if there were more songs I feel like there would have been some filler songs so the quality wouldn’t have been as good as it is now. Like I said, packaging was cute and you get a lot. The issues I had are more personal issues and they don’t really bother me all that much so the positives out way the negatives by a LOT!

Overall ranking:

1000000/10....this album was that bitch and will forever be that bitch 🤷‍♀️

[trackinghallownest]

-slides into your dms- tell me about your vessel ocs!!!! Whose your favorite. Everyone has a favorite even if they don't like to admit it! And is it ok if I draw them interacting with my vessel ocs?

HHfngfh gh i’m,,, thank you for this ask i’m dying,, i will absolutely go off if you dont mind me taking this chance!! ft doodles!! because i can!! and you absolutely can draw them with yours i will probably cry and definitely draw interactions back udfkfhvdf;;

some of this i may have mentioned in other posts but i cant for the life of me keep track of what ive put here compared to the discord so! i’m just going to fact dump! and put under a cut so i don’t completely fill peoples’ dashes shkfd

first is gonna be spindle since. i love them. theyre probably my favourite. and also the first i made. theyre just babie

they really are just babey,,

kind of accidentally an endless source of lifeblood which is a long story but its not.. very fun. to be constantly covered in plants. by adulthood most of their torso and one of their limbs is almost completely replaced/encased in plant matter

they take this pretty well actually. even if it gets a lot harder to move

for a vessel they grew up to full size much quicker than others of their kind, likely due to the lifeblood’s properties, but really nobody has much of a clue. didnt have time to get used to their size and still has VERY bad spatial awareness

broke their horn tip by smacking it on a low ceiling hkfdnfbdmvdf

plants bursting out of their shell and eye have pretty badly damaged it, and they can’t see out of the broken eye

theyre trying their hardest!! always!! they can’t move around very well and sometimes get lonely sitting at home in dirtmouth but they’re friendly to just about anybody and have so much love to give

seriously they dont even eat but they like to make sure they have food and drink at home in case anyone drops in and needs it

they’ve never been able to fight, and shy away from violence or combat in all forms

very scared of the dark and carries a lantern with them at all times, usually around their neck

discharges excess lifeblood into soil and grows a garden from it - keeps it from overtaking their body any further, and it’s something to do

not the best at communicating since a wood arm makes signing stiff and tricky, but they’re not much of a talker (signer?) anyway

then we have scratch n thimble who are kinda twins but not really. yeah those are matching scarves they are Bros (sibs??)

scratch FIGHTS THINGS and USES A REAL BIG NAIL

the biggest of all my vessel ocs, just in general. a big and strong friend

made it to the palace but got tossed for starting to care too much and takin a blow for another sibling. saved thimble from dying down there too and they were absolutely inseparable since

really just the embodiment of the ‘you befriended x! x would now die for you’ meme not gonna lie

has almost literally died for Multiple siblings n friends before but they wouldn’t let them. which is, a good thing

too reckless for their own good especially in their younger years but thankfully mellows out quite a bit by adulthood

tries to keep up a strong stoic front but also doesnt hesitate to abandon it if needed. theyre big soft really (they wont admit it tho)

has The Biggest soft spot for kids do not let them tell you otherwise

fought for the sake of it in the colosseum for many years before Stuff And Things involving yet another vessel happened and they kinda trashed the place and never went back

their nail is about as big and heavy as their entire body and they’re surprisingly good at using it for something so unwieldy. could probably crush most bugs just by virtue of it being So Damn Big

spends a lot of time when grown at the howling cliffs keeping an eye on those travelling into the kingdom, and deterring those with malicious intent

they got that eye wound from their sibling… it was technically an accident. they still don’t talk about it though

contrary to their twin thimble is the smallest vessel (as a babby at least - they do end up standing taller than spin and ruth when fully grown)

they have the very unfortunate problem of their shade having fused with void tendrils from the abyss sea as a babby

as such their shade is very violent and kinda has a habit of literally bursting out their shell and lashing out at anything around them under stress

eventually they get a handle on it and learn to control the literally overflowing void inside them but until then their entire life is pretty much a big clusterfuck of trying not to kill people, which they hate

they’re very timid and shy and cling to familiar figures (especially scratch) probably too much, but strike out on their own much more growing up 

theyre very strong and capable, moreso than most magic users, but you wouldn’t guess it. the only time they’d even consider showing it is in another’s defense

uses void tendrils like extra limbs. very functional! can hold many things (or offer many hugs) at once. may be slightly slimy though.

their cloak is very long and would probably benefit from being trimmed shorter but they absolutely refuse to let anyone touch it. its kinda grimy at this point and they trip a lot but don’t do anything about it

friends with a bunch of mossflies they picked up in the gardens! they all have names

can communicate with other void-creatures by sharing some of their own void! this was discovered entirely by accident but very useful, if awkward to explain

sure they’re kinda timid and like being on their lonesome, but they’re also very level-headed and friendly, and get along very well with low-energy quieter sorts of people especially

ruth is a small vessel rn/as far as i’ve worked out a timeline for! i know what they look like big but as far as the content on this blog currently goes theyre just .. smal

actual infant. hadnt actually been wandering out of the abyss that long before being dragged up to the colosseum to fight for sport

really doesnt have much of a clue how to act at first, other than ‘stab things before they stab you’

their name comes from ‘ruthless’, a nickname they got in the colosseum because they literally did not (appear to) give two shits whether they lived or died in battle. they’d just come back, anyway

scratch was the one that found them flinging a nail around and immediately went ‘oh thats a baby. this is bad, actually’

for the first short while of freedom scratch is the only one they’ll let even get close to them, and pretty much clings to them relentlessly. not a moments rest

they were actually pretty badly infected by the time they were broken out but theyre better now (another long story)

doesn’t have a natural cloak - it was ripped out and never grew back in. they make do though! their ‘new’ one was made from part of scratch’s that they ripped off and fixed together. they love it more than anything

once they actually figured out not everyone was out to kill them they stopped fighting back, and became a lot more curious and lively in general

still has a very warped and guarded sense of trust, however

kinda iffy around weapons and reacts badly to confrontation but does eventually learn to fight again (just.. in a better way)

pretty short even when grown, and going by height alone is the shortest when they’re all big

likes picking up pretty trinkets and things and carrying them around. has a few tied to their horns (as well as many pockets)

i have just now decided that spite counts as well! they dont actually survive to adulthood in any timeline i have currently (sorry spite) so big spite is entirely a theoretical but theyre fun to draw so

now spite? spite wins the babiest baby award

has one single braincell that bounces around their shell like a windows screensaver

their name indicates they are capable of feeling any negative emotion or hatred which is entirely untrue. by the time this was figured out they already wouldn’t answer to anything else

absolutely no sense of self-preservation or common sense. they are, in most regards, a very cute and very stupid dog

got lost on their way out of the abyss the first time around, ended up in the lighthouse and met friend mori!! was almost caught but eventually smuggled out and away

spent a lot of the time on the run in city of tears with said friend who was pretty much presumed dead by then. got taken in by a family, enjoyed themselves for a while

…but were eventually caught and thrown right back into the abyss along with mori killing them both for real this time. unfortunately.

cut to MANY years later and oops! their shade fused with the corpse and for some ungodly reason theyre both alive. time for the worst buddy comedy ever ft. literal pile of goop and body parts

spite does not seem to know nor care that theyre dead however

mostly happy to sit up there on mori’s shell and nap for hours at a time or fiddle with literally anything in reach. give them a cool rock and they’ll be entertained for hours. they are but a simple creacher

they do actually eventually learn to use a nail but who’s idea was it to give a child a sword. seriously i just wanna talk

[ravennightbirt]

Crying

Just a through that hit me the other day, while I was down!

How does Tony Stark cry?(Because you CAN’T tell me he wouldn’t!) I mean sad, painful tears, not teary of happiness. What happens, if he can’t hold back anymore?

First of all it is extremely easy to trigger him into an emotional down loop. Scowl at him, say something if his fault, remember him of Yinsen or the things his weapons did. Sometimes a simple bad word is enough. Sometimes it is stress or PTSD or his own mind. Sometimes it is something that happened while Tony was a room away. Something in the TV. Looking at Rhodey. Seeing something that belonged to Bruce. Getting under attack, because of what he did, by his fellow Avengers. Being blamed(he does this him self enough!!) It can be everything, everything negative. Tony projects it to him self and than there is no way to stop.

It will start “easy”. He will fidgets and shift. Slowly he stops talking and start blinking more and more. His whole behaviour will become defensive. Crossed arms and shoulders down. Sometimes his arms will hang loose beside his body. He always will refuse to look at anybody and stay quiet, giving monosyllabic answers. If he continues to be under attack he becomes stiff. His hand becomes fists and loose and start again. His shoulders tens, shifting his weight. Biting his inner cheek until there is blood.

At a point he can’t breath anymore without sobbing, but he can’t let others know, so there are two ways. One(1) he flees and find a save room or two he buys him self a little bit more time. He crosses his arms, to hide that he digs his nails into the flesh about his rib of his upper arms to leaf bruises or smaller cuts. It will ease his breathing a little bit, but just for so long. At some point he has to go. Find a save place.

It’s his bedroom. Because Bruce can enter the lab and many others. Because Jarvis and Butterfinger and U are in the lab. Maybe the kid. The only other person entering his bedroom is Pepper and Rhodey if he notice something is of. Yes Jarvis is there, but he understands and stays quiet.

The moment Tony enters his bedroom, he kicks of his shoes and a jackets if he wears one. Opening buttons of shirts, getting rid of the tie. Then he sits down on the floor, with his back against the framing of the bed and tries to stop his tears before they start. Tries to not break down (because he does not deserve this. How can he be so weak? He can not!). To do this he will dig his nails harder into his flesh. If this isn’t enough he draws up his knees and bites into the point thigh meet his knee and he bites hard.

But there it this point where he can not stop his thought, there is the point where his mind is already lost in pain and greave and self-hate. Then his tears come silently, while his whole body is shaking. While his fingers dig deeper and he is rocking himself. He can’t breath! This is when he starts sobbing. When tears flow down his cheeks and there is a single thought in his mind: “It’s my fault!”

This thought is there over and over and over again. It makes things worse and makes him feel even less worthy, because it’s the truth! In this moment he sees everyone of his mistakes. He sees Yinsen and his family (because he looked them up, because he had to see what he destroyed) he sees Yinsens wife, his kids and grandkids. He sees Obi and Killian. Tony sees all the lives he took. He sees New York and Maya and Ultron. He sees Pietro and Wanda, because no matter what they did, they are his fault. Pietros death is HIS fault. At this point he it crying and sobbing and silently screaming. And all the time he is asking the same question: “Why me?”

He digs his nails deeper, because the pain helps him, breath and so many times he thinks about a razor blade. He thinks about cutting deeper, but he is afraid. He is selfish, because he wants to life and every time he thinks the same: “Just this one more time. Next time I’ll stop” He thinks of Pepper and how she will be the one finding him. He thinks about Harley (“And now you leave me? Just like my dad?”) He thinks about Peter (“If you has powers like I do and you don’t use them and something happens, then it is you fault”). Rhodey and Happy and he have to be selfish! Just this one time, just one more time! Next time he will stop. (Deep down he knows he is afraid to die and he wants to live!)

The hole time his sobs shake his body and his tears stream down his face and he is in a stupor. He cant move or think strait but the hard, cool floor beneath him and the frame of the bed help. If his body is willing and his mind is a little bit calmer, the floor and the frame help him focus and he can clip into the bed. He will just lay there and stare until he fall asleep or he will have one more break down, a silent one this time, just tears and some lonely sobs. Or he got up and back to work.

And he will have a killer headache and his arms and ribs will burn, but there is nobody who sees he cried, and maybe this makes everything worse.

[battlekidx2]

Voltron Season 8

There are spoilers for season 8 so proceed with caution.

I want to start off by saying I love Voltron and there is something I love about each season of Voltron. I have been seeing quite a bit of negativity towards this season, so I want to start off talking about what I liked about this season before getting into what I didn’t. I will recommend Voltron to other people because I believe over all there were a lot of good things that it did with its characters and stories.

I liked Allura’s arc throughout this season. We got to see her struggling with the lengths she would go to to end the war and come out better because of it. She also comes to understand that not every choice in war can be without sacrifice which is something the paladins seem to struggle to understand up until this point. Allura has been consistently developed throughout the seasons and has grown into her own in this season. She has had to overcome so much and is a character I felt was developed well and will be a character I look back on fondly.

I also liked that they clarified Lotor’s character within the show. Before this season there were multiple ways that lotor’s character could be interpreted and now they have a definitive version of him. The clarification also accentuated the tragedy of the character. His eventual downfall is tragic because he did deserve better. He fell victim to his upbringing after trying to be better and being punished severely for his efforts. This is a character that while I may not be the biggest fan of the execution of Lotor’s story I liked the idea behind it. I liked how they did redeem Lotor in the eyes of Allura and it was acknowledged how his childhood and upbringing affected him, his choices, and his downfall all without erasing the mistakes he made. It also acknowledges that he wasn’t given a fair shot by anybody and despite his attempts to be better he was always thwarted or shunned at every turn. There is only so much someone can take before they break.

Haggar was a great villain and her arc was somewhat of a Greek tragic hero and was almost Shakespearean. Her unquenchable thirst for knowledge led to the destruction of both her old and new homes, the creation of the galaxy’s most infamous tyrant, and her son living through a neglected and abusive life that meets a terrible end. She realizes too late what she missed out on and works to undo her mistakes without care for the destruction she causes because she believes that with the end of her quest everything will be perfect. It’s only once she gets to her desired outcome and her son and husband recognize the monster that she has become that she reaches her lowest point and is able to be convinced by Allura of the error of her ways. That Haggar herself is to blame for how her life turned out not the universe or anyone else. That this outcome isn’t what Lotor would have wanted despite what Haggar kept telling herself and that while she can’t get back what she lost, but she can give back what she took from the universe in her desperate bid. This season wrote its villains really well with Lotor, Haggar, and Zarkon and while I didn’t agree with all the choices made with the characters I do believe the writing was well done and Haggar is the pinnacle of this statement.

I appreciated that all the character’s that lived got their happy endings. Keith has found his purpose and continues to help people. Shiro finally leaves the battle after years of nonstop fighting and suffering and gets to settle down with his husband. Pidge and Hunk both get to follow their dreams and Lance surrounds himself with what he loves and lives a quiet peaceful life. I honestly just wanted to see these characters be happy. They have all been through so much so seeing them get to be happy in the future made me happy.

I was sad that my two favorite Voltron characters, Lotor and Allura, ended up dying. Allura had been through so much loss, suffering, and pain on her quest to bring about peace and grown so much only to finally be able to bring about the peace she strove for and not even be able to see the it. Allura had lost so much and when she finally has a means to restore peace the only way to bring about peace is through sacrificing herself. I know I was upset with the season in the past for the lack of true sacrifice or lasting death, but I’m sad that this was the sacrifice that ended up happening because Allura deserved to see the peace she helped create. We finally got to see Lotor’s past and have his character in hindsight be redeemed, in showing he did truly care about others and Allura but was misguided in his methods, and bring him back from the rift only to have him be dead the entire time. This means he ended up having arguably the worst and most painful ends of anyone on the show. He died after the only real trusting relationship he had was destroyed and believing that no one cared for him while his mental stability eroded and his body was overloaded with quintessence. I would have liked to see him be alive and have him carry on doing the best he could instead of everyone admitting that he wasn’t given a fair shot, that he deserved better, and really did care and wasn’t a monster. The second colony is completely forgotten and is never explained. The second colony honestly just feels like a plot device to trigger the paladins turning on Lotor and Lotor’s subsequent descent into quintessence poisoning instead of an actual thing that happened because the reasoning behind it was never explained so it feels as though it was unnecessary.

I’m sorry to every Allurance shipper, but I didn’t like how it played out within the series. They made Allura uncomfortable with Lance until season 5, had her look upset when she found out he liked her in the same season, made her suddenly romantically interested in Lance at the very end of season 7, and then in season 8 showed hints that Allura still wasn’t completely over Lotor (the most prominent examples are when Lotor emerges from the rift and she panics saying she can’t do this and when Lotor is the vision she sees to convince her to use the rift creature). I honestly think this ship could have played out really well if they hadn’t had Lotura and had Allura a lot less visibly uncomfortable with Lance in earlier seasons. I am happy for whoever shipped Allurance and got to see their ship sail in cannon. Allurance just wasn’t my cup of tea with the way it was written. I personally would have preferred if Lance hadn’t gotten Allura and could have continued with his journey of self discovery and learned who he was without a girl because his character the last few seasons had a lot of him pining for Allura instead of focusing on his growing self-confidence and worth. With him ending up a farmer and probably sad over Allura for the rest of his life. Lance was a character I wish had gotten an arc of episodes to himself that didn’t involve a girl because he was set up as incredibly relatable with problems that everyone faces.

I may have been disappointed with this season, but I still like voltron and hope to see more of it in the future. I can understand the issues people are having with the season and can empathize with the disappointment, but I hope that people don’t attack the creators and cast. They’ve worked for years to bring us this series and they don’t deserve to be harassed. I hope that others can find the enjoyment I found out of the series and I hope there are many great fanfics to read. It was an honor to see this series to completion.

[matazz]

letters roy endoza never sent

so i wrote these because i wanted to write out roy’s feelings to the party members. it was mostly a way to vent, but during the time, i really did want to send them - but my DM never let me (if you’re reading this LOL).

there’s something a bit sadder about it being letter’s he never sent.

in my head, he left along the journal that he wrote as well with the letters he left behind. i guess canonically i can say that the party never ended up finding them. 

group letter (written after roy left the party & before the gala)

for the group, i had fun while we were charading around finding ancient artifacts and solving puzzles. i’m going to miss our adventure, but i have to leave. i’ve involved myself against the fate of the universe, a crime against all odds. i’ve loved knowing you all and you’ve all helped me so much but i dont want to involve you anymore in it. more importantly i feel as if that my actions may draw a rift in your beliefs and i dont want to seperate that bond. please do not look for me. i’m afraid i serve no purpose in this mission with the champions anymore. i dont think the gods (and even myself) consider myself to be a champion anymore. to be quite honest with you, i don’t know what the consequences are or what might be from my actions but i will deal with it myself. i’m going to be honest. i appreciate all of you, and you’ve helped me in learning so much. about the world, magic, and other people. but i don’t want to involve any of you in my life and i don’t want to see any of you ever again. please do not try to contact me or find me. this is my departure letter. i am safe, and i am well, and i dont want to be involved with the champions anymore. i hope everybody does well. i’m sorry i left without saying anything but it had to be this way. it’s better for me this way, for everyone. i’ll stay safer this way. if the gods tell you to locate me, please ignore them their calls. i can not say why, but if you trust me at all, please believe me when i say i’m safer not meeting you. sincerely, roy endoza.

To the group (i think this was written the day of the gala, but before the Thing happened)

To the Champions, I’m not sure when this letter will deliver, so you might receive it a bit late. I’ve left for a while to pursue my own goals and research some things. I'm not sure when I'll be back, or if I'll even be back at all. There's been so much nagging at me that distances myself from all of you and I don't really feel like I belong so much anymore anyway. I don’t know whether or not my research is going to succeed, but if on the event that something happens, please don’t look for me. To be quite frank, I don’t really want to involve any of you in my research and I’m afraid that meeting you is only going to be a liability to me. On the unlikely event that my research turns out to be negative, I'll come back; however if that’s not the case then please don’t try to contact me and do not look for me. I can not stress this enough, but what I’m about to go through with is going to upset the gods and more importantly, all of you. It hurts to leave like this, but I have to say farewell. I loved travelling with most of you and I’ve learnt more about the world than I ever could have just staying at my house in Origin. Thank you so much for the adventure. Perhaps for the last time, Roy Endoza.

To Ayce (written the day of the gala i think)

Ayce, I’m sorry I wasn’t able to talk to you before I left. To be honest, I couldn’t bring myself to do it and I haven’t had the time or the nerve to say anything. I regret all of that, but you deserve at least something before I leave. I can’t continue our relationship.. I’ve felt distant for a while now, and it’s been nagging at me but I don’t think we’re good for eachother at all. I’ve been a dishonest man to you despite the fact that you’ve been honest with me the entire time. I know it makes me an asshole. You deserve so much better than I could ever be to you. I wish there was more I could say. You've probably figured it out already, and if you have then I already know it was pretty selfish or stupid of me to start this relationship despite the fact that I've known all along how it was going to turn out. You don't have to forgive me. I wouldn't either. And if you haven't figured it out, then I hope it wasn't so terrible for you. I've enjoyed my time with you. I hope you find someone better. Roy.

A letter to Ayce (written like the day roy left)

ayce i have a lot i’ve been meaning to say to you but havent had the time or the nerve to say anything. but i need to say it now because you deserve these words. i can no longer continue our relationship. i’ve redeemed myself but in doing so, i’ve gone against the world; but more importantly, to you. i love you very much, and i wish i could have come to the ball with you and danced. i would have loved to; but i have a lot going on and i dont want to involve you, or anybody else in our charade, involved in my problems. i’m sorry i could not say it to your face. i hope life treats you well. you deserve so much better than i could ever have been. with love roy

Letter to Ayce (dated from the week before roy left)

ayce i’m writing this because i didnt have the nerves to say this in person, and i apologize for that. to be honest, the more time passes the more o begin to think our relationship was a mistake, so i’m officially parting ways. i never lied when i said i love you. i still do, but i just dont think it has worked out or even will. i think our morals are too different; and i cant find myself being with somebody who finds it so easy to murder a person. no matter how terrible she was, i thought that you of all people may have disapproved after experiencing death already. i also found myself attached to Fox, so his leaving leaves a hole in my heart. ialso despise Atlas; but i digress, none of these are even the main reason i’m leaving. to be quite frank, i’ve never seen this mission with the gods as important. my dreams, my goals, my redemption; they will always be first. this mission with the gods has just been seen as a side quest for me. partially because i don’t trust the gods myself. if we take everything we’ve heard at face value, then why should i trust God’s that have left the world to ruins before? they don’t even trust us enough to tell us what has happened in the past. in my opinion, they’re either incompetent and lazy or not telling us the actual truth of what we’re doing; or even what they’re doing. they aren’t powerful. if they were, they could retrieve the keys themselves or defeat beshaba’s group themselves. i just can’t bring myself to want to do a mission anymore where i have to obey people who can not trust us enough to let us know basic information. meeting you was a bonus, but i think it’s time for me to move on. this wasn’t a decision i’ve made because Fox left; i’ve been thinking about this for a while. neither my goals or morals align with anyone elses. i want to be good, but i’m only a wench in a perfectly working clock. as of recent events, i also don’t want to explain myself to Atlas of all people, but i can’t bring myself to tell you about myself either. i may return, if only for more information or perhaps even the gala; as much as i do not care for the gods, i’m still interested in the keys and the power within them. if i meet you there, i know it may sound selfish to ask, but i hope you may give me one last dance. roy

a notebook. it’s a bit worn out and has some torn pages.. it was left behind with roy’s stuff and all the letters

‪entry 47‬ ‪[torn out page] ‪entry 53‬ ‪i’ve retrieved a letter from a dream telling me to visit latham and retrieve a key. i’m curious, so i’ll check it eventually. it was definitely odd.‬ ‪entry 55‬ ‪i met a young boy. his name is fox. he’s some sort of shapeshifter. he’s quiet, but his presence is nice company. he also received a similar letter to mine. i have a feeling we’ll be travelling for a while.‬ ‪entry 62‬ ‪we retrieved the key & met some other ppl with letters too. we’re heading to a trinket store back in origin now. i dont wish for them to know of my life so i’ve found a way to steer them as far from possible to finding out about myself. i’ll probably visit ma too.‬ ‪entry 63‬ ‪an elf woman named leera attacked us after i told her i wasnt going to give her this key. i dont like her. she seemed very cocky.‬ ‪entry 65‬ ‪delilah is kind.. i feel like i’m able to trust her. i asked her a question about my goals, vaguely, and it turns out that ayce asked a similar question. based on the message in his later i get the feeling he’s undead.‬ ‪entry 66‬ ‪[torn out.] ‬‪entry 69‬ [‪torn out] ‪entry 72‬ ‪we’re travelling to copper coast now for another key. if it werent for ayce, i wouldnt see any other reason for me to come. fox is still around, but i feel like he's doing his own thing. the other two arent big presences for me to care about.‬ ‪entry 73‬ ‪atlas is a werewolf? i didnt think those were real. this group keeps getting stranger. first a shapeshifter, second an actual living zombie, third a werewolf.‬ ‪ive continued my lie to the rest of them. they all seem to have believed me, strangely enough‬ ‪entry 74‬ ‪copper coast was very pleasant. i wish to come back someday.‬ ‪entry 88‬ ‪this trip to clandesteine has been a disaster.. what the honest fuck‬ just happened ‪entry 90‬ ‪fox told everybody about himself, finally. i feel this huge sense of pride?? i’m very proud of him. i dont understand why i feel so attached to him but i adore him so much‬ ‪entry 92‬ ‪((incoherent scribbles, kinda like “vsdjfsasifwnqkosdkv”)) i think i accidentally implied to ayce that i love him romantically and i think he loves me too... i’m freaking out and i dont know how to react... i think he thinks i’m cool and romantic but i didnt mean to be. ‪entry 93‬ in all honesty, i just wanted to tell him he needs to be more cautious of me. a part of me wishes he could figure it out himself so i dont have to tell him. ‪seriously! i dont know how i did that! i do love and adore him too but i feel like shit.. i dont deserve him, especially considering who i am. on the other hand, i hope he never finds out the truth about me.‬ ‪entry 94‬ ‪oh my god. atlas killed a man and ayce and fox proceeded to tell the guards. i feel sick. i’m currently at home but if they say my name at witness testimony i’m royally fucked. i dont know. i might just run for it and live in myr’s peak. maybe no one will find me.‬ ‪entry 95‬ ‪the group managed to get bailed out using ty’s name. benefits of being friends with rich people?‬ ‪fox found my poster though, so he saved my name during eyewitness testimony. i told him the truth. its been the first time i told someone how i really felt. he wants me to tell ayce but hes the last person i can tell. ‪entry 97‬ ‪we’re in lunarden! it feels nostalgic to be back. i want to go back to every place i miss. i took ayce to that me and nori used to go to back in high school. i think shes currently performing in solardome? i miss her‬ entry 97.2 ‪i came up with a few different ways to complete my goal. i have a few more probing questions, but i will have to ask later. i think i’m getting closer to the answers‬ entry ‪97.3‬ ‪[scribbled out over so that you cant read it] ‪entry 98‬ ‪i’m planning to get completely smashed once we get to solardome. i feel like i deserve it.. ive been pretty stressed and havent got laid. i’m crying remembering that ayce might not even be an option.‬ ‪entry 98.2 ‪i love ayce so much, and its confusing. am i just sexually frustrated? am i just lonely? am i just

sad? i feel guilty because it tears me apart. im confused because i love milo still, too. i know i should tell him the truth, its whats right but i know he’ll hate me. i dont know what to do. (extra note inbetween the pages, torn out but still there: to mom. i love you venhfrhdy mcuh. thank you fir everhything. yes. roy.) entry 98.3 what happens if i succeed? i hope ayce doesnt kill me. entry 100 ‪good morning. ayce & i are officially dating. were in solardome atm; i dont remember much of last night but i remember thinking he‘s beautiful. is it wrong to fall for him?‬ ‪entry 101‬ ‪[torn out] entry 101.2 [torn out] entry 101.3 ‪the blackness on my fingers has risen up more than it has before. its almost hard to write with my hands anymore. [the rest of it is torn out] (torn note inbetween the pages hi ayce. its unrealistic you'll ever find this but there's some things i want to say. back when we first met, i lied to you as a reflex when you asked me why i'm dealing with necromancy. to be honest, i could kind of gather you were undead, but i still lied anyway. my story is personal, its hard for me to be honest. i know i'm an idiot, and i'm sorry i used you. to be truthful, i still am a horrible person and for the entirety of our relationship i've already known that i was using you and i've felt so guilty about that. my feelings are complicated, but i've never lied when i said i loved you, and i still do; but i still want to bring milo back. i made a mistake and i want to fix that. the truth is that i still love him too. i know you deserve better. i'm sorry about lying to you. roy) entry 102 a dragon made us experience our dreams and nightmares. jade's scared of blindness and bugs. a valid fear, in a way. and she was dreaming of doing shows. i think it was supposed to display a feeling of happiness and joy, but it was just spooky since we all experienced her dreams with no sound. i never realized how scary it was to be deaf until i experienced it. atlas' was morbid. people were dying and there was so much gore. then there were people saying they owned him. i knew he was a bad person but it was scary to see all of that again. he dreamt of a workshop with a girl and a young boy. it seemed sweet, with a tinge of nostalgia. i would have never expected him to have dreams. he just seems like a horrible person with no sympathy to me, but i guess he has feelings. i still think he should go to jail, but i feel like he'll just try to kill me if i say anything instead. fox's was sad. we got thrown into a void of empty space where we were surrounded only by dopplegangers and a vaguely humanoid figure. he seemed so lonely and upset. he's scared of being forgotten by us and that made me so sad. i adore him, and he's grown a lot since we first met. i gave him a hug when we went into his dream sequence. i hope he knows i will never forget him. his dream was sweet. he just wants to save people and hang out with us still. i think he'll go far, and i would love to be there for him still when all of this is over. (there are about 2-3 pages with entry 102 that are torn out) entry 103 a new discovery. the world isn't flat? the god's are using their powers to “lock off” the rest of the world. apparently sanctuary is only a small part of the world. that was a really weird discovery to find out? it's kind of hard to believe, but at the same time, not. apparently they keys we've been collecting hold the respective power of the gods, and they're used to “open” the gateway. i have no idea what that means. apparently beshaba wants to use our keys to do exactly that. and also they can kill the god's? entry 112 when we came back to lunarden we discovered that delilah and allen were kidnapped by atlas’ syndicate. i knew atlas was trouble. i hate having to associate with him. we’re going to save them yet it makes me nervous. entry 114 i feel like i almost died in there. we saved the others and no one was hurt though. we’re going to trip back to lunarden and then travel through the travel gates back to origin to try

avoid people. allen mentioned something about strange readings. i have a feeling i know what it is. i’m going to ask lathandar questions. entry 115 nvm we encountered leera. this group genuinely scares me. I’m travelling with people who are down with murder. i should seperate. she uncovered my posters to them and i want to die. she also mentioned the last key at a ball. i need to bounce. lathandar also confirmed my suspicions last night. entry 116 fox left before i could. i feel bad. like maybe it was my fault. i miss him. we have to continue though. entry 117 its so hard to find a bag of holding. i just want to have this spirit stone around without having it in the open. entry 118 we’re in origin now and delilah let me rent out her bag of holding. an absolute kind soul. we bought tickets to the ball. so expensive. i wish i didnt do that. entry 123 [torn out] entry 124 [torn out]

[yogpetshame]

There’s no real reason to watch all of this new vlog from Bea so I’ll link you to the relevant bit.

You can only request a manual review if you have a thousand views in the video. My channel doesn’t get that anymore, so therefore i can’t request to review them. So when it gets demonetized that’s it, i just lose the money for it. That’s it. Period. Youtube is saying, “screw you, you cant do anything about it” to every small creator. 

Most creators, for example, will schedule the videos and they get the strike and they get demonetized before they upload them, before they make them public, and then they request to make them advertised again or monetized again before they make them public again. But now you can’t do that, because the video has to have a thousand views so that means you have to make the video public first. letting people watch it and potentially losing thousands and thousands of... uh... views worth of advert for you, whilst YouTube sorts out the advertiser issue...

Hopefully they will fix something in the future, because it affects small creators and big ones. I get that I’m not gonna lose out my whole business over this, because i don’t have one. But it still affects me as a small creator. It effects everyone, it effects everyone over a hundred subs, you know, it can effect anybody. 

And it’s a really bad thing that’s happening right now. And it needs sorting out, so complain about it, That’s the only way you’re gonna be able to get it sorted out. If you want your favorite creators to stay on YouTube you’ve got to complain about it because they’re all dropping their youtube channels like flies. Literally they’re just abandoning them and moving to Twitch because they can’t make any money on YouTube anymore. They’re making like $9.00 a video which is nothing. It’s absolutely nothing. You can’t live off that.

I’ve already addressed most of this, just a few new points: Most of the channels I ˆwatch have reported the whole demonetization thing has had little to no impact. It’s impacting ancient videos that weren’t getting views in the first place. Ones that don’t breach 1,000 views/wk anymore (and are therefore worth at most $2/wk, and aren’t worth worrying about).

I believe at worst it affects everyone over 10,000 subs. Definitely not 100. Considering the process of demonetization only threatens a YouTuber’s ability to get money off a video, the video has to be worth something in order for this to impact them negatively.

Bea quotes Hannah at the end when talking about making $9 per video. And I’m honestly still stumped about why this is an issue. I could be misunderstanding, but let’s say the YouTuber posts a video, sees it go demonetized, watches it until it breeches 1k, sets it private, and waits for it to get reviewed. Holler holler, lost two dollars in the process. Shucks. Good thing the video’s worth more than that, right? Otherwise it’d be a huge waste of time...

Really, Bea’s decision to call this the straw that broke the camel’s back is a laughable. She’s going to quit YouTube over a grand total loss of five bucks.

Kids these days and their goddamn footlongs.

[wdfa]

coming back from winter break like HELLO NAUGHTY CHILDREN ITS RELAPSE TIME

warning for... um. lots of stuff. a loooot of self hate/negative self talk. internalized transphobia/cissexism. discussions of sexual experiences (not in detail). menstruation mention. depression and symptoms.

im struggling so hard rn ugh so many Symptoms.. especially with feelings of worthlessness!!!!!!! like i just feel like im annoying ppl with just my existence!!!! UGH like i know it’s irrational bc so many ppl love and care about me and they have voiced these facts as well as affirmed them through actions! and they continue to do so! it kinda has a lot to do with my dysphoria? im not sure how to like. explain it??? because there is Context.

last saturday my frat had a brothers-only party and it was fun and cute and i had Such a Good Time because i love my brothers! some alumni came too like i got to see my grandbig again and my 2 adopted grandbigs LMAO... one is dating my gbig so she’s step-gbig i guess not adopted? but the other one is in my family line, and he has 2 “real” grandlittles but he adopted me and one of my fifth (?) cousins. ANYWAYS it was really tender because that literally happened that night, he said “as far as im concerned, i have 4 grandlittles... plates, kali, billy, and u” and im not kidding i almost cried it touched my salty ass heart. and that was pretty much the theme of the night, just me loving on everyone and everyone loving on me! 

i was kind of worried about that tbh because i was wearing one of those douchey ridiculously large arm-hole tshirts and my scars were pretty visible,,,, but like everyone was really cool about them like i got some compliments actually haha mostly they were just like “aw im so happy for u/proud of u” but one of my older bros (who happens to also be a bass!!) said smth like “yo those are really cool thats so hardcore!” which pleasantly surprised me because he’s a very aloof and sarcastic kind of person, so getting something genuine was really neat. and so much good happened that night!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it was great!!!!!!!!!! but also like. ugh. i guess more context needed. 

in my pledge class of 7 only 2 of us were virgins and im one of them. like ive literally never had any Sexual experience, and it was always because i was never comfortable enough with my own body due to dysphoria. even when u get past that my high school was fucking tiny so who was going to love my fat trans ass 8^) and my pbro’s situation was a little different, but he’s gay and his high school was similar so he never had the option to explore anything either. and we were like. together on that u know? i had kind of accepted that it wasnt realistic for me to want things like that, and while that realization hurt, i knew that i had someone in the same boat. but then he goes and loses his virginity!!!!! and this is where i get MESSY LMAO IM NOT READY FOR THIS BUT HERE GOES

first of all i want to say that i am 100% happy for him because he’s my friend i will support him until the end of time and he told us it was important for him finally being able to celebrate himself and grow up and operate with sexual/personal autonomy and live his own DAMN LIFE and im so so SO proud of him for that!! and i HATE myself so FUCKING MUCH for being selfish and feeling this way and taking something so important to someone i love and making it about myself, but. now its like im left behind. i hate this feeling so fucking much i hate being left behind/forgotten about/ignored/excluded from anything and everything. and now this is something that everyone has gone through but me. and it fucking sucks even more because i know the main reason that i havent done this is because im trans!!!! like i didnt ask to be this way!!!!!!!! trust me! its so fucking difficult!!!!!!!! i hate being different sometimes, i literally just want to be like everyone else, i want to be fucking normal for once. like i know that ‘normal’ doesn’t actually exist but im tired of having to struggle through things that other people dont. and ive really just been dwelling on this and extrapolating like “welp no one will ever wanna hook up with me or date me or love me and im gonna die alone like the piece of shit i am” and it’s just opened up soooooo many Bad Feels that i either havent thought about before or did a really good job at repressing! literally just shitty Dysphoria garbage!!! 

and now its like. “ok well u dont want to be a virgin anymore then go out and have sex” WELP it doesnt really work that way!!! i’m very masculine in appearance (or at least i try to be) and the people who are attracted to me expect me to be a Cis Male, because unfortunately we assume everyone is cis until proven otherwise. bottom line is theyre gonna expect me to have a dick! but i dont! what happens when im into someone and theyre not aware of this fact? what if we Get Going and start Doing the Do but theyre like EW GROSS DIE??????? i just keep thinking about this!!!!!!!!! its in my head and i cant get it out!!!!!!!!!! like i Did Not go to bed on sunday night because i just keep dwelling!!!! i went to therapy on tuesday and told all this to my psychologist and usually that gets it out of my system but no!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! she’s usually really helpful because she approaches things logically rather than emotionally but that didnt work in this case i guess!!

i told my pbros about some of these feelings and they said the shit your friends are supposed to say to make u feel better and it was reassuring that they loved me at the time but like. i guess it didnt stick lol because im still convinced that im unlovable even though mccoy sat on my lap half the night and david let me casually touch him (he does not like physicality so that was kind of a Bigger deal) and ben laid on top of us and we were all so tender but i literally cant translate that into permanence i guess!!!!! but also bad things happened at meeting that kind of validated my fears bc me n a few bros were talking, i think it was me and a gay guy and a girl who thought she was straight but shes questioning if shes bi and i cant remember who else because i was Turnt but these two were like the main source of conversation. the guy was like “im definitely gay like i know i dont like girls because vaginas are just gross” and the girl was like “yeah i dont know, im attracted to hot girls but idk if i could ever fuck w/ a girl because ew vagina” LIKE im.... ... standing............ right .... here...................... and i said something! like “thats transphobic not everyone w a vagina is a girl” and i cant remember exactly but they totally like. brushed me off. i initially have all of these doubts, then my bros are like “yooo that’s irrational, everyone loves u” which makes me feel better and kind of makes the doubts get less awful BUT THEN this happens and we’re back to square one SO.

it doesnt help that i fucking started my period on monday. i havent had it in over a year. but i had to skip a dose of T before my surgery and my ADHD ass forgets everything so i ended up skipping like 3 so apparently this is what happens when you stop taking it :) im really hoping that this is the reason im so emo about everything right now UGH.

all of these feelings are just taking such a toll on me its like im weighed down,,, i was supposed to do some studying today and take some notes but instead i stayed in bed and played games on my phone lol!!!!!! i didnt even do anything fun!!!!!!!!!! and now im alone on a friday night doing NOTHING just like i did fucking NOTHING all day today!!

what sucks about this is that im alone because i feel sad.... but being alone makes me feel even MORE sad........... like im happy when im with my friends, im happy when im with my brothers, im happy when im at the house! but for some reason i cant just text a bro at random whenever im feeling down. like if i did, i know that no matter who it was theyd give me the support i need/the support id get at the house with everyone there. but i cant make that move, i cant take that risk, because i must Avoid.... like i know talking to ppl and being around them makes me happier, and i know if i did gather the ‘courage’ or w/e to do that then the odds of getting a positive response would be 99% but i just. Cannot initiate. because that 1% chance of rejection is just too much. im terrified of it. even if i did take that chance i dont even know what i’d say??? “hey lol im kinda craving death because im a worthless abomination haha wyd” ????? im still not comfortable w talking about being trans. like i am a bit but only with certain people. definitely not with the brotherhood. maybe my big? but she just got a new girlfriend so i dont want to bother her. honestly i dont want to bother anybody!!!!!!!!!! which is Wrong because i tell ppl all the time that their emotions are valid and theyre not bothering people who care but HERE WE FUCKING ARE KIDS!

ok i think im done now i just. really had to get that out. replies and likes and asks are welcome but the other thing is not allowed. the thing with two arrows that kind of go in a circle. none of that.

[ourletterstogod]

I was so beat and bullied. I had my head pounded to ground, they threw rocks and hit me in my face. i was always so different. was just a little boy. And even though i had such a hard growing up...i never did wrong or improper things. i have gone on and saved a woman from being raped...i have saved a little girl from a truck...i saved a womans life in church, right in the middle of the sermon. ive done countless things that helped or was giving to other people. I have been asking for just one situation, just one.....not asking for money, materialism....none of this. what ever you are mad about that i really dont know because there has never been any kind of communication to me. ive always tried to believe in you, have faith in you, yet there is nothing NOTHING. I WANDER IN SILENCE LIKE SOME KIND OF PUNISHMENT. AND YOU JUST CANT TELL ME WHAT THAT IS. I would be insulted humiliated .....so i drank to escape those horrible things. i was just addicted to alcohol. and the whole time I DIDNT DO ANYTHING WRONG..I WAS JUST MESSED UP IN MY LONESOME. I DIDNT DO ANYTHING. I HAVE JUST ASKED FOR A GIRLFRIEND.  that is the only thing i have ever asked you and those angels for. A close friend lover. i never meet anyone, im all so alone here. no one talks to me, says anything to me...they ALL JUDGE ME. THIS WHOLE PLANET OF PEOPLE IS ABOUT JUDGING EVERYONE BEFORE THEY LIKE THEM. AND YOU GOD IF YOU ACTUALLY KNOW, YOU SEEN ME CRYING MY EYES OUT ABOUT BEING JUDGED, YOU SEEN THOSE JUDGING ME, YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT THAT, IF YOU WOULD KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ME, YOU HAD TO HAVE SEEN ME DEEP IN TEARS ABOUT HOW I AM SO JUDGED. THEY ARE JUDGING SOMEONE WHO SAVED THAT YOUNG WIOMAN FROM BEING RAPED..THEY ARE JUDGING A PERSON WHO SAVED A LITTLE GIRL FROM GETTING RUN OVER, THEY ARE JUDGING A PERSON WHO SAVED A WOMAN FROM DYING IN CHURCH SERVICE. IF THATS WHAT IT WAS...I WAS CALLED TO SAVE THESE PEOPLE AND DID MY JOB, YET THESE PEOPLE STILL JUDGE ME. THEY CANT SEE IM A GOOD PERSON, THEY CANT SEE IM LOYAL, THEY CANT SEE THEY CAN TRUST ME WITH THIER LIFE. WHAT EVER IT IS THEY CANT ACCEPT OF ME... I DONT THINK I LOOK THAT BAD, IM NOT SOME HIDEOUS RETARDED DISFIGURED HANDICAPPED HUMAN. IM JUST A HUMAN. I MAYBE THINNER BUT IM NOT A DRUG ADDICT. I USED TO DRINK, BUT I QUIT AND UNDER MY OWN POWER..BECAUSE WHEN I LEFT IT TO YOU TO HELP ME ...YOU DIDNT, SO I TOOK THE POWER AND STOPPED MY DRINKING FOLLEY. THESE PEOPLE WHO JUDGE ME HAVENT SEEN THE GOOD ACTS OF KINDNESS I HAVE DONE, HAD THEY KNOWN, BUT THEY DONT EVEN TALK TO ME, THEY DONT SEE ME...AND I KNOW I AM BEING JUDGED TO THE VERY CORE, DONT YOU UNDERSTAND THIS? THIS IS WHY IM SO MAD, SO ANGRY,. SO FURIOUS..AND ALL THE ONE I COULD BE FERIOUS AT, THE PEOPLE, I GET IT THAT THEY ARE DOING SOCIALIST , THATS ALL THEY KNOW FROM A SELF POLICING JUDGMENTAL ENVIRONMENT. I HEAR ALL THIS ABOUT RACISM OR GAY...BUT THESE PEOPLE HAVE NO IDEA OF HOW HARD I HAVE HAD TO HAVE THESE JUDGMENTS UPON ME. I TOLD YOU MANY TIMES NOW THAT IM DONE WITH IT, IM DONE WITH THESE JUDGMENTS..ALL OF MY ANGER IS DIRECTED TO RETURN THAT JUDGMENT EVEN IF IT GOES BACK TO THEM DARK AND NEGATIVE. BECAUSE I AM JUST DONE WITH IT. I DONT HAVE THIS JUDGMENT ABOUT OTHERS. ALL THIS RAGE, THIS ANGER, THIS BURNING FERIOUS, THIS ANGER AND RAGE I GIVE BACK TO YOU GOD...WILL STOP IF YOU WOULD JUST LISTEN TO ME AND SEND ME A GIRLFRIEND, I MAY HAVE A FEW BOUTS...BUT HAVE SOME PATIENTS. THAT WILL GO AWAY AS I REALIZE. BUT DONT YOU GET IT...WHY CANT YOU GET IT? IVE BEEN ANTAGONIZED BY THIS JUDGMENT SO MUCH THAT IM PTSD. BUT IM NOT INSANE OR CRAZY AND I DONT ACT OUT. I HAVENT HURT ANYONE..I HAVENT RAISED A HAND TO HURT ANYBODY OR ANY LIVING THING. I HAVE PLAYED BY THE RULES TO THE FULLEST. IM STILL IN SOCIETY, I DONT DO ANYTHING TO GET IN TROUBLE....IM NOT THAT WAY, DONT YOU GET IT? IM DONE WITH BEING JUDGED, WHAT EVER IT WAS THAT I DID IN THIS LIFE OR PAST LIFE...DONT YOU GET IT THAT I HAVE SUFFERED ENOUGH? FOR SOMETHING THAT THIS LIFE CONSCIOUS HAS ABSOLUTLY NO IDEA OF WHAT MY SOUL DID...I HAVE SUSPISION THAT IT WAS MY GRANDFATHER, BUT I AM NOT HIM, IN NO WAY. WHY IS IT SO HARD FOR YOU GOD TO STOP THIS NIGHT MARE OF JUDGMENTAL PEOPLE? I SAVED PEOPLES LIFE AND I THINK YOU KNOW IT...WILL YOU PLEASE SAVE MINE, RETURN THE FAVOR, SEND ME A GIRLFRIEND AT LEAST ONE PERSON ON THIS EARTH AND I SWEAR OATH I WILL STYOP BEING SO ANGRY, SO MAD AT THE GODS, SO MAD AT PEOPLE. FORGIVE ME OF WHAT EVER IT IS THAT I HAVE NO CLUE OF WHAT I MAY HAVE DONE.

[ircmeltdown]

two efnet nerds lose their shit over a dead channel

so are you gonna tell me what killed the channel and show? i havent been around to see

or are you still a banhappy pissbaby

basically we don't want you around because you are a pernicious negative influence and that won't ever change

"we"

find some new people to hang out with, mark

that's ll

speak for yourself and only yourself

you are not a spokesperson

this is the reason your channel and show has died

now i know the answer

When I say we I mean

the vast majority of chatters there

I spend the most time there

I talk to everyone

I have a pretty good finger on where people are at

you mean the 200 idlers and bots and the 6 people who are too scared to say the show is shit now

Just find your own shit

you can waste as much time as you want here

but you're talking to a wall

a wall that begs

fucking mendicant

like are you enjoying yourself right now

if not

why not do something you do enjoy

i enjoy telling faggots what a fucking disaster they are

ok, well you keep doing that

but the odds of me ever giving a shit again are very slim

it would be a lot better if you just moved on

but understood if you can't

who needs you to give a shit, who the fuck even are you?

a conman who begs from people poorer than him

there is no respect for you to lose

if you think that

i do

then find somewhere else to frequent

i have, and i pointed my head into the old haunt

you're only wasting your time here

and it was empty

k

and dead

and the show was the worst it has ever been

good job

great job

you did all that on your own

never mention the GNAA again you fucking fraud

and i know why your worried about defcon, and it isnt some dislike of vegas

lol

mark

its because you have no idea what you are talking about

remember how I told you you were pre-schizophrenic

and slowly losing your grip

yes, and you were wrong then, just as you are with your dead channel

the process is accelerating

incorrect,, your shit is dying, qpzdox is movin over here to start a fam with me

well good

up yours begging scum

I hope that works out for you

focus on that, not on me

my advice is to see a therapist soon

there is no focus on you, you are completely fucking irreverent

untreated schizophrenia is really terrible

and can hurt a lot of the people who depend on you

and a failed author begging is terrible too

only i didnt have to project that

its true

but there's medication that can help

and self evident

I'm gonna leave you with that advice, good luck

nobody takes advice from panhandlers

I don't talk with panhandlers, personally

try that

"dont mention that dog shit smells when you walk by it"

fuck you

I'm sorry you feel angry

but it's a lot more your own situation than anything with me

not angry, sad the show has died so bad

this used to be a thriving community

then make your own show

now its a dried up husk of wallet

and YOU did that

not me

uh huh

why don't you make something better then

instead of haranguing me

i do the shit that makes the news, i dont report the news

I don't owe you anything mark

that was your job

that's not my job

it was

This is an online show I do

before you started begging

there's no boss

there's no salary

it isn't a job

it's a show

the boss is the fucking audience you mong

and yours has been banned down to onlu yesmen

well

you should leave that audience

i did

and i come back, and most have also lefy

ok, then your problem is solved

that was easy

my prblem is with the dead community, one you killed

is that solved?

there appear to be

is it back?

many people chatting right now

so it just peaked after your show? hmm, for a channel about the show, surely it should peak at the show

Maybe your problem is that you can't objectively make sense of the situation

because you are so emotional about it

you're a numbers guy right

just analyze how many lines are chatted

during the show

and during the periods after it

make sure you add the chats on restream

nigger please, i just led a landslide on my island with ALL the working class breaking 100years of hardcoded hate and tradition, to vote tory

and you sit there with a dead show

oh, did you

gj

you have no link the the gestalt anymore

shilling for bloomberg

lol bloomboig

seriously, I get that you're lonely

but your situation is not going to improve

without intervention

from a therapist

my situation is on the up, yours is on the down

you'll just keep suffering

you are begging, i am not

your show is dead, i have a future

I don't think you're even fooling yourself

every line of chat you type is just

you cant roleplay as a success and also beg l0de

*it hurts*

they do not mesh

that's why you see everyone retract from you

because i tell the cold hard truth?

if you're noticing that you can't get a rise out of people and they're talking right past you

im not trying to irk you

a lot of it is because your reality has gotten so distorted

that people just go

"oh he's nuts"

and they disregard what you think

people can inherently recognize that kind of thinking

and they recoil from it

like look up this query

do I seem upset with you

said the guy with the now dead channel and show and left

or like I'm responding emotionally to your points or even engaging with them

where did those people go l0de

did they recoil from you begging

I'm not because I know you're losing your mind

where did your audience go l0de

I'm typing to you now just to be part

of the huge number of people who will have to tell you to get help

before you will finally do so

or become homeless

ive been homeless, it sucks less than watching a grown man beg online

If you would like to avoid being homeless again

your issues of mental health have to be addressed

oh, is the tax evader and beggar going to give me life advice

yeah, your projecton doesnt work

I've seen this play out many times

I know that it takes many, many people telling someone to get help

before they finally figure it out

Don't wind up on the train tracks mark

you dont get to beg for money and give out advice

if you followed your own advice

you've gotten significantly worse

you wouldnt need to beg

can you follow that?

you are not an authority, you are a beggar

the number of distortions I see in the chat

are higher than they were last year

do you beg for other people to p[ay your taxes, yes or no

everybody can and pays theirs, but you're special

other people should pay it for you

none of this is distorted at all

its the reason your show died

and you know it

ok

Do you have anyone you trust

ive never trusted anybody

at all

well then you have no one you can take this log to

and ask

"hey, which one of us is the crazy one"

find someone you do trust

good luck

do you think they will side with the guy running a dying begshow or the guy pointing out you are running a dying begshow

You can do your own analysis here

if you don't trust anyone else

i know people dont like parasites

run through this log

and see how many times you try to say something negative

and then run through my responses

you want me to be happy the show is dead?

you can see it's pretty one sided

beause im not

there is nothing nice to say about this situation you have created

and that I kind of don't really give a shit what you think about the show

its awful

but I'm pretty sure that you're losing your mind

whatever makes you feel better

it's time to seek some help

it's time for you to seek a job

nobody can respect a beggar

I think you can tell also

In any case, I would prefer you didn't contact me again

you can do whatever you want

but I do not want to talk to you

and will probably not respond

do you think my family, which i spend more time with than anybody, would have noticed some mental illness, or how about my doctors, does l0de know better than all these people

or is he just pandering to himself

so he doesnt feel bad

the last thing I'll leave you with

print out this query

take it to a therapist

talk about how you feel here

what led you to this point

and see what they think

[akxyaptn-blog]

Insurance help please?

Insurance help please?

got hit from behind by a driver who has insurance, i notified my insurance what happens next ? will my car get repaired by his company or mine ? and how does a deductible work ? Ive never been in an accident so i am clueless on this,,,,,and how do they fix your car ? do they tell you where to go to repair it ? or just give you the money ? and how do you determine how much ? sorry for being uninformed completely !!!! thanks for your knowledge

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Can u pls list old male looking for old driver). My parents temporary driving ban in insurance cost for you am 17 and would UK provisional license yet. and i am not. turn 16 on dec Will New Car Insurances Affordable Insurance Act if 2,300 im 17 male 2 days ago, as I m 20 year old cars cheaper to insure? insurance or a valid for an 18 year there is to it? really sure though.. HELP! so many to choose i am from n.j. which is the highest ............... that my parents who fee only for one and progressive are between is physically challenging and my dad s car, their based on the number Which do i do hear about people driving for a totalled 2006 a direct quote from of insurance. The drivier I go to another I think the insurance just passed my driving accident. My insurance company me some money please week && im only but Im just curious .

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[survivormarmoreal]

Episode #9: "we're here for the messy bitch game play right" - Annabelle

Tribal was f*ckin wild. Like didnt see that coming and Nicole we literally never talked so dont come for me. 👏

So far Nicole’s attempt hasnt affected anything. And plus Sharky took more of the heat and more blood on his hand and I did for coming up with the Nicole vote. Like im scream team to the end but like it works better for me if people dont see me as a huge threat right now unlike Sharky. I think i might be in a good spot and with an advatage with this immunity hopefully i can win.

Well... I refuse to be booboo the fool right now. I have conflicting information currently about who voted me so guess what? I am not gonna trust anyone LMAO. Everyone is denying and pointing the fingers at others and its fucking pissing me off. Like just own up to voting me so i can have a clear target my fucking god. Like goodbye see you soon!

from my confessional cause i just went off in it LOL about the last tribal: i know brian and sharky did not vote me nate and bryce are being fishy maynor seems non exsistant keaton is literally opening his big mouth and getting himself in more trouble i trust anna enough and nick thinks he is "iconic" for an idol play like boi con-fucking-gratulations that you can do something many have done before you

Like, im so done with these people, just let me play my idol in peace smh

So I basically threw this challenge. I just put myself for most of the positives and I put Keaton for most of the negatives. With a few random answers sprinkled in. I get so nervous about really trying on Touchy Subjects because Im worried about revealing my alliances and stuff. This way I just look cocky. And Keaton and I are already on bad terms so me putting him for the negatives might piss him off but probably not anyone else. Ugh

ok so me snapping and voting matt is really annoying KJFHDSAKJFDHS idk why i did that! i was crazy back then... so current thinking is that me/matt/keaton voted matt. and then nicole did keaton and everyone else did nicole. i dont think anyone suspects me but like they woudlnt tell me if they do FJKASDHFKJ apparently matt thinks that nathan did it and anna thinks that it was keaton and maynor and im just like :| FSAJDHFKD. also this comp is about to ruin me like my answers are def gonna make ppl hate me and plus i wrote myself for some good ones which i never do but idk im just really feeling myself so cant wait for the crushing weight of reality to knock me down a peg or two when i get like "next voted out" "doesnt deserve to be here" AFJKSDFHKAJ but maybe not... anyways i recently got obsessed with shakira again like.. im thriving

https://i.imgur.com/5o6sz3j.png when i tell u i screamed JKDFASHKJAD

Okay so Touchy Subjects ALWAYS blows up my game. Like I got all the ones that make people target you. Running the Game. Biggest Snake. Physical Threat. I even somehow managed to get "Trust the Most" and "Best Liar". HOW!? And now I'm super worried because if I wasn't on everybody's radar before I sure am now. And I have no idea who I can trust after those rogue Matt votes. I even feel slightly sketched out by Nick. He's acting...weird. And he keeps telling everyone there is a war between me and Keaton. Which I guess is sort of true because Keaton is throwing my name out there. And obviously I would rather him go. 

everyone is so extra JKDAHSKFJ matt making a post about how the ppl who are lying and saying they didnt vote him are personally effecting him are terrible like.. ok sorry for not exposing myself get over it u got 3 votes one of which were ur own and maybe if u were more active and didnt reply with one word responses no matter how hard i tried to get u to speak i wouldnt have thrown the vote on u. im just like so over his entitledness that ppl confess to him like who do u think u are KJFHADKJFDH. i feel like maybe im being too mean so if matt reads this after the game im sure ur just in ur feelings or w/e and u did say u had personal stuff going on but like thats not an excuse to go on tirades in the tribe chat when no one but u cares.

keaton is the worst person ive ever met (and i know zach :s) weird of him to choose white ppl saying the n word as his hill to die on but um i got the cannon ready to aim and hes going :airplane: to jury.

OK, so basically Annabelle wins immunity!  Good for her, but she's literally not doing enough for me to feel beyond happy for her kjHD... like she's nice and I like her, but at the end of the day, I really don't think she's doing much to propel herself and she's just getting kinda lucky... considering the first and now second immunity have been somewhat luck based... ya....

Keaton's the name being thrown into the mix already (it's only 9:11pm), and I really am fine with that this time around!  I like him, but I think he's just someone who can easily go now and it not be bad for me in the future.  He's already thrown out Sharky's name and basically called out Sharky to his face, so I'm kinda shaking in my booties.  As long as it ain't me, I'm happy enough to listen, but I just don't want any big surprises like the Matt votes, again.

Sharky has been thrown out as the biggest threat in this game right now, and while I think it's very apparent to everyone, I can't have him going anywhere right now.  No fucking way.  I love the shark man.  He's my favorite... he cannot go anywhere... I need him!!  So buh-fucking-bye, Keaton!  I may like you, but it's not enough to keep you.

Keaton is trash.

Let me elaborate on my previous confessional. So first Keaton tries to call me out for mentioning his name which I didn't do (I did admit to it to save the drama so thats partially on me) but he tries to call me out in public after the vote. Gross. Then after the challenge he starts gunning for me hard. He wants to claim I was doing the same but I wasn't gunning for him very hard. Because i didn't care if he went. He wasn't an ally but he wasn't a threat either. until he started trying to tear me down. Also let's be clear this all started because EVERYONE thinks he's rude and annoying. Then he tries to come for me in pms calling me out for spreading lies. Which again I NEVER DID. So I straightened him out on that. Then he tries to do the "If I don’t get you out now I never will and then we all lose." which is BULLSHIT. Don't get mad and angry with me just because I'm playing better than you. CHILDISH. Then in the tribe chat he says "As a player he can burn. As a person he's enjoyable." IS HE TRYING TO MAKE ME HATE HIM!? First of saying I can burn makes me want to really drag him. Also bro you and i don't talk you don't know shit about me as a person. You did that just to feed this "Feud" thats going on. STFU. Bye. Whichever one of us goes I'm glad I won't have to talk to his KIRBY LOOKING ASS anymore. I wish Marie had stayed.

Okay I can't lie I'm super nervous about this vote. I just don't trust anyone. I'm talking to Annabelle now and was like "I'm down to vote for anybody" because I'm not sure where she's at and I want her to know I am a vote for her.

Well. Good thing is that i wasnt dragged with with what Nicole said which is good with me. I didnt get any touchy subject which is also great. My two best allies Sharky and Keaton both did which means they’ll be targeted before I do. Which is awesome. Me and Nathan dont want to see Keaton go so we got Annabell and Bryce to be with us for a 5 person voting block thats going after Matt. Thats right, Matt is going home. Keaton plan was to try and distract Sharky and fight with him and have both of their names on the chopping block. This means that Matt wont see this blindside happening. And if Sharky has an idol, he’ll waste it cuz he won’t be getting any votes. Its gonna sbe wild af. Be ready.

Its been very quiet this morning. The plan has been set so im hoping that nothing else shatters the plan. The idol search doesnt like me as it likes Nick. Only thing i found was an advantage for next immunity which was an extra point butnit was touchy subject so i kinda threw it cuz said my name for the ones i felt where really bad. And i want to give a shout out for host Drew. You are an amazing and cool person.

OK, so Nathan has been going behind me and Sharky's back to target Matt... and I'm just shook to my fucking core.... bless Annabelle's big heart for telling Sharky because it gave us some room to snap hard.  I know Matt has an idol, and I cannot wait for him to pull it out at tribal.  I think that Nathan is thinking very short term and thinking him not telling me and Sharky is just some move he can make on his own, but as the Touchy Subjects' results showed us, Nathan thinks he's running the game but Sharky is actually doing it.  Getting this info... what a fucking legend...

Annabelle doesn't want to be screwed because of this whole situation so Sharky wants to avoid voting Nathan out but I lowkey don't care.  Nathan keeping me out of the conversation makes me lose all trust in him.  I know I'm not the target, but it doesn't change the fact that he's trying to run the game behind my back.  It's not going to work, sir.  It won't.

Ok... I'm angry, but I'm going to have to control that anger and turn it into making the best decision for my game and that will be to work with Matt and Sharky till the end.

Brace yourself this is going to be a LONG ONE. So last night I basically went to Anna and tried to save my ass because I really haven't been sure how genuine our alliance was because of our history together. She basically kept saying she was in a tough spot and this and that and so I outright asked her if she was considering voting for me. And she was like absolutely not. Which is such a relief. HOWEVER! She confesses that Nathan has created a secret plan to vote out Matt. He specifically told everyone not to tell me and Brian about it. EXCUSE ME? Aren't we in an alliance dude? So thats really pisses me off. But supposedly they have the majority for this plan. So that means I don't have to worry about myself as much. But I don't want Matt to go. Especially after this proved that he's one of the only ones I trust. So I'm thinking out of 9 votes we have 3 we can maybe use the steal a vote or something to try and get a majority. CUT TO THIS MORNING. I tell Brian about this secret plan and Brian tells me Matt has a freakin idol!!! So now we can use his idol and even if there are 5 votes left Matt/Brian/Myself control that vote then. Now the tough part...I need the vote to stay on Keaton because if it goes to anybody else Anna is going to think I screwed her over. And I promised her that her telling me wouldn't bite her in the ass. I also need this to stay TOP SECRET because if anyone finds out I leaked the plan they are going to come after me and I love Matt but I don't want to destroy my game to save him. So we need to have Matt use his idol and all 3 of us need to vote for Keaton.

God these people. I am VERY sure I am getting votes tonight and it's ok. Why? Cause I have an idol fuck these cunts. If not the WOOO love a minority!

i'm playing a super dangerous game right now but it's ok hopefully it works out we're here for the messy bitch game play right and i also just like play better in chaos so let's keep it that way once the game gets boring people will think of me.

Y'all I'm feeling real shitty about this week. I still feel super in danger. i feel like everyone is lying to my face. But I'm also worried for Matt. Luckily he has an idol so he'll be safe but the fact that he's catching votes at all is concerning. I hope it's Keaton going out but you just truly never know. This could be my time.

So it seems Matt might be an option for the vote but the questions I have are: Do I trust Matt enough to tell him he’s getting votes? Am I willing to make an early move? How will this will effect me moving forward? And when thinking between Keaton and Matt... I think I know my decision…

The shit hit the fan. Somehow Nick knows the hidden real plan that it was going to be Matt tonight. Keaton keeps lying to Bryce that he’s doing Sharky but Bryce is the number we have to have majority over Matt. Keaton is being sketchy kinda. Hopefully the plan goes according and Matt goes because last time he was doing a witch hunt for those 2 votes. Im going to be drinking at tribal tonight. Shit is too stressful.

Keaton is idoled out in a 6-3 vote.

[sillydeadpantomath-blog]

My Dearest,

This might be a cry for help, or maybe it's not. Maybe I'm okay. The thing is, I really have no idea. And I am writing because, talking is just hard. I have this constant lump on my throat that has been there for more than a year now, and it is choking me whenever I try to say something about how I feel - or about how I don't actually feel anything. It is choking me now. But even so, after a long long time ... I am trying to write hard and clear about what hurts.

There are days like this. When I sit and think about what is really going on inside of me? Inside my dark-clouded head and my heavy, heavy heart. There are better days, when I'm awake and truly awake in the moment - when the feeling of being alive rushes over me and I am so happy I could cry. I hold on to those days and grip hard on them, trying to drag myself back into the sunshine. I write and write and write about the things I am grateful for, the things that happened that made me so happy, my heart ache a little. I tell myself "I will write all of these down and remember them. I will write them down and read them when days are cold and hard, so I can feel better.". Then, totally out of no where, I am just cranky, I am just cold, and I just don't really really care about anything. Not a single thing.

Numbness comes right after darkness and it's like I'm asleep through everything. I do function, I do things, I go through my day like always, but ... I am not there. I am nowhere. I am no one. I'm gone.

Hurting myself became my way of waking myself up. I do not wound myself because that would be kind of hard to explain, and God I wouldn't know what to say anyway - not that I would actually be bothered to explain, but still. Bruises are okay. I feel the punches on my skin, they stay red and hot for a few minutes. Once I am bruised, I'd frequently feel it whenever I brush it against anything when I move. I even count them like little trophies. God, I am sick. I am somehow awake in that very small part of my body. At this point, my appetite is almost gone too. Everything just tastes so fucking wrong. Coffee helps. Reading helps too. If I am on this asleep state, reading takes me somewhere else and I become somebody else, instead. I may be reading too much but all I can think of is I am at least not dead, just yet.

I don't feel sorry for myself. I am at a very bad place, I know. But no, I don't feel sorry for myself. Self pity is not really my thing. I became comfortable feeling like this, or maybe not feeling anything. I used to talk about it, because there is a part of me that still wants to be saved. But, really - the truth is, people don't want to hear about this kind of lame stuff. They do not want this kind of negativity and so I learned to shut the fuck up. And somehow, crying alone, dry heaving alone, staring at nothing alone, suffering alone, feels better. Help can go fuck themselves, really.

I'm sick of me. I feel crazy and I want to act crazier, but shutting myself away is not crazy enough, not eating isn't crazy enough, hating everyone isn't crazy enough, harming myself isn't crazy enough. Killing myself is my last resort. That would be crazy epic, I'm pretty fucking sure.

Some days I'm just angry. Angry at anybody, angry at everything. I'm like a ball of fire and I can feel my eyes burning and my chest burning but my hands and feet are going cold. And I had to drag myself around, because I feel like I weigh like a ton of hard lifeless rocks somehow. I listen to angry music, but none of them are angry enough. And again, I feel sick of me. I'm so fucking sick of me.

The thing about wanting to die, is that it's selfish. You can have a family that loves you and supports you, you can have someone special that's truly there for you, but they just don't matter. I will myself to fight and 'get it together' but, I just cant. I read books, watch shit, do shit that 'professionals' claims to be working, but hell, they.just.don't. It's not that we hate life, that's not it. I've been banging my head with all the good and beautiful reasons to live and they just flash like timelapse in my head. My brain cannot register them and my heart can't feel them. This must be what being a zombie feels like. You feel disgusted of yourself and you walk around lifeless but you just can't stop.

Honestly, I don't know what's my point in writing this. What I want - is just something that I JUST DON'T FUCKING KNOW. But these words, these are the words of a lifeless soul. I am here, I want to be here, but I can't. I can't stay.

In full brightness, KC