#i come home and that's the first thing the gc alerts me to

[sparkly-skies]

The Blind Channel fandom is a simple fandom: We see a nice pair of arms with pretty tattoos and slightly more skin than usual, we go ahdhsjdjasjakhs 😳👀🥺

[71tenseventeen]

Take My Hand (Take My Whole Life Too)-22

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21

Warnings for sexual content, male pregnancy, non-hockey Sid. Sid and Taylor’s ages have been altered to fit the story.

Perpetual credit to my betas, @queen-alia and @icosahedonist as well as the GC and @ljummen and @knifeshoeoreofight.

Neither of them is expecting the SUV waiting in the driveway when they get home. Sid knows it has to be someone who has the gate code which means a close friend or teammate but he has no idea who. Geno sighs, looking resigned. “Tanger,” he says. “Been calling me all day trying to get me go watch a game with them. I told him I’m busy.”

Sid bites at his lip nervously. “What do you want me to do? I can stay in the car.”

Geno puts the car in park and looks over at him with a frown. “Not making you hide in car. No. Already planning on telling team anyhow, might as well get head start. He’s my friend. I think it will be okay.”

Sid wants to argue but Geno is already hauling himself out of the car, immediately griping at Tanger. “Tell you I’m busy, why you bug me?”

“You’re a lying liar,” comes the reply. “You’re never busy unless the Russians are in town. What are you—” He stops abruptly as Sid climbs out of the passenger seat before turning to Geno, eyebrow raised. “I didn’t realize you had company.”

Geno’s only reply is to roll his eyes as he heads inside, ushering Sid ahead of him while Tanger falls into step behind him.

Inside, Tanger looks around, taking in the pairs of shoes by the door that are clearly not Geno’s and he glances at Sid again. “You’re Kuni’s tutor, right?”

Before Sid can do more than open his mouth, Geno is snapping. “His name is Sid. Don’t be a dick.”

“Hey!”

Sid motions towards the kitchen, amused. “I’ll put on some tea.”

They follow him in, bickering about nothing at all while Sid gets the teapot on.

An awkward silence falls over them as they settle into chairs. Geno rolls his eyes pointedly when it becomes obvious Tanger is waiting for him to say something. “You have reason for come here or just come to sit quiet and stare all night?”

“No but…” Tanger trails off, glancing at Sid with some confusion.

“What you think, Sid? I should tell him?” Sid’s nervous but Geno catches his eye, winks with a smile as he turns back to Tanger. “He’s living here now. With me.”

Tanger’s eyebrows fly up as he looks between them, clearly waiting for some kind of punchline. “Oh. Really?”

The unasked “why” hangs heavily in the air.

“We having a baby.”

“Who? What are you talking about?” he asks, still not connecting the dots.

Tangers eyes go impossibly wider as Geno smiles over at Sid.

“You two?”

“Yeah. He’s four months pregnant.”

“Holy shit, I just figured you were getting English tutoring or something.”

Sid snorts and Geno looks outraged. “Fuck you! My English great!”

Sid strides to the fridge, plucking off the sonogram picture and handing it carefully to Geno who passes it to Tanger. ”Don’t get fingerprints on it.”

Tanger’s mouth drops open. He snaps his head back up almost immediately, eyes wide with shock.

“We meet at cup party. Probably should tell you sooner but…” he trails off, letting out a deep breath.

The whistling of the kettle breaks through the silence like a freight train, startling Sid. He scrambles for it as Tanger finally finds his voice.

“Holy shit.”

“We have problem?” Geno sounds nervous now.

“Yes we have a problem!” Sid’s stomach drops—until he goes on. “You’re having a baby and you didn’t tell me, you dick!”

He takes a deep breath, trying to calm his nerves again, and catches Geno smiling softly at him before turning back to Tanger. “We had lot to deal with, little bit of scare few weeks ago. Been more focused on keeping them healthy, you know?”

“You—” he turns to Sid, wide-eyed again. “Shit, are you okay?” He slaps Geno’s arm with a glare. “Why are you making him do the work you asshole? He’s carrying your child!”

Geno’s mouth falls open, Sid’s sure he’s going to protest but then he stands looking guilty instead. “You right.”

Sid shakes his head because they’re not going back to this. He’s not helpless. “He’s not making me, I want to. I’m okay now, the baby is okay. I’m not on bedrest or anything. I can make tea.”

“You should let him anyway. You’re carrying his baby, you should be resting.”

Sid groans as Geno chokes with laughter.

A few days later, Geno’s late getting back from practice. It happens sometimes, especially recently as the preseason has progressed. Sid doesn’t think much of it until Geno walks in with his face pulled tight and tense.

“Hey Sid,” he says, voice tired as he passes by the living room and heads to the kitchen. Geno’s first stop is usually Sid, asking about his day and, in turn, talking about his own.

Sid isn’t sure what to do but can’t do nothing so he heads to the kitchen and watches quietly as Geno pulls ingredients from the fridge. “You hungry?” he asks, eyes distant as he starts putting together a salad.

“No, I’m—I ate already. Geno, are you okay?”

He sighs. “Fine, Sid. Just—” He runs a hand through his hair before sighing again. “Team knows.”

Sid’s stomach twists. “Oh.” He swallows nervously. “Do you, um, do you want to talk about it?”

“Not much to talk about. I’m say I’m having baby with you and you gonna be at team things and that’s all. No one say much.”

“Nothing?”

Geno shrugs. “I’m leave before they have chance.”

“Oh.” Sid can’t begin to know what that means but he knows that telling them was a huge risk and now Geno is waiting for the fallout, whatever it may be. “They’re—you said they’re good guys. They probably just need time to let it all sink in.”

Geno sighs. “Yeah, guess so.” He grabs a knife and Sid watches his hands tremble as he tries to slice the tomato.

“Geno,” he says softly, coming close enough to cover his hands. “Let me do this. Sit down, I’ll make you some tea and finish this.”

“You don—”

“I know I don’t have to do anything. I want to, okay?”

Sid sees the fight drain out of him as his shoulders slump. “Okay.” He sinks down into a chair and watches Sid quietly.

They don’t say much as he finishes the salad and even less as Geno eats and Sid sips his tea, anxiety pulling at his insides. He knows Geno is scared but he has no idea what to do about it.

He’s considering calling Flower when the security system alerts. Geno looks up, eyes filled with trepidation, body tensing a minute later when someone rings the bell.

“Do you want me to get it?” The last thing Sid wants to do is come face-to-face with teammates if they’re upset but— he’ll do it for Geno.

Geno shakes his head. “No, no point. Have to face them sometime.”

Sid follows him to the door; realistically he knows there’s not much he can do if they are upset but it feels wrong to make Geno face this alone. He breathes a sigh of relief when he sees that it’s Flower behind the door—albeit looking very put out.

Geno steps back, letting the door fall open as Flower strides in. “You left before they could congratulate you, el Cap-i-tan.”

Geno isn’t smiling, lines still tight around his eyes as he shuts the door quietly. “Why you here?”

“You should be thanking me. Half the team wanted to come over here. You kind of left them hanging. It was either me or all of them. ”

Geno sighs. “Didn’t really want to wait around if reaction going to be bad.” He heads to the living room, dropping heavily onto the couch. Flower sits down on the other end so Sid takes the chair, not really sure what to do with himself.

“You didn’t give them a chance to react at all.”

Geno frowns, “What you want me to say? Not sorry. Not easy thing to say to team. At least I tell them.”

Flower looks like he really wants to argue but he pauses for a moment before nodding. “Okay. That’s fair but I wish you’d told us first. Kris and I could have helped.”

Geno runs his hands through his hair leaving it wild. “Didn’t want to wait. If I’m wait, maybe lose nerve.”

“It would have taken five seconds to tell us first.”

Geno stares at his feet, speaking quietly without looking up. “What they say?”

“At first everyone was just shocked. Honestly? Some of them thought it was a prank.”

Geno’s head shoots up. “They think I joke about something like this?” he snaps angrily.

“They didn’t fucking know what to think! You said it and ran! But then I told them it was true and it started to sink in.”

Geno drops his head into his hands with a sigh. “Was it bad?”

“No. There was a lot of disbelief at first and then a lot of them wanted to go after you to make sure you were okay. They want you to know it’s not a problem. That’s why I’m here.”

“Whole team can’t have react like that.”

“No. But no one said anything bad, G.”

“Fuck,” he groans with a heavy exhale. “What if they tell media.”

“Yeah, well, I thought of that too and took care of it.”

“What you mean?”

“I mean I told them under no circumstance is anyone to leak any of this. And Kris got Coach and he basically told them the same thing and that the organization knows and supports you.”

Geno sighs heavily. “Thank you.”

“G, why did you do this if you weren’t ready?”

‘I am ready, even if I’m little bit scared. Sick of hiding, Flower. Want to bring Sid around, talk about baby.”

“Yeah, okay, I get it. I’d hate it if I couldn’t talk about Vero and the kids.”

“Never shut up about them.”

Flower grins. “And I never will, asshole. But you’ll understand soon enough.”

Geno shoots a soft smile at Sid. “Think I already do.”

Part 23

[ithoughtslashmeanthorror]

From: Flamebird (flamebird@thecave.com)

To: [All Girls: Blackbat (quietbat@thecave.com), Spoiler (blondebird@clocktower.com), Huntress (helbat@clocktower.com), Cat-girl (catbird@thecave.com), Batwoman (batwoman@clocktower.com), Oracle (oracle@clocktower.com), Red Robin (detectivejunior@thecave.com)]

Subject: Girls Night Out

           So flicking through group calendar, I noticed all the Bat Ladies are in GC tonight. Anyone interested in a GNO?

From: Red Robin (detectivejunior@thecave.com)

To: [All Girls]

Subject: RE: Girls Night Out

           Think you made a mistake adding me on this…

From: Spoiler (blondebird@clocktower.com)

To: [All Girls]

Subject: RE: RE: Girls Night Out

           I’m technically in for a jail visit, to interrogate a prisoner, but I might be able to go after 9?

From: Batwoman (batwoman@clocktower.com)

To: [All Girls]

Subject: RE: RE: RE: Girls Night Out

           I’m on patrol 8-midnight.

From: Red Robin (detectivejunior@thecave.com)

To: [All Girls]

Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: Girls Night Out

           Can someone please take me out of the group? The alerts are distracting.

From: Oracle (oracle@clocktower.com)

To: [All Girls]

Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Girls Night Out

           BW, are you working on the Firebug case? Huntress and I found some stuff and can come help you out. We’ll probably be able to have it done by 10 and I can probably get Batman to patrol for you.

From: Huntress (helbat@clocktower.com)

To: [All Girls]

Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Girls Night Out

           Oh! If we do - was in a shitty apartment building today and I was going to threaten the landlord to fix it up for the kids. Can we go there first?

From: Red Robin (detectivejunior@thecave.com)

To: [All Girls]

Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Girls Night Out

           Ladies, please. I’m waiting for an important message from Batman.

From: Batwoman (batwoman@clocktower.com)

To: [All Girls]

Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Girls Night Out

           I just saw the updates on the case. I can make a threat at around 7ish?

From: Red Robin (detectivejunior@thecave.com)

To: [All Girls]

Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Girls Night Out

           I’m being ignored, aren’t I?

From: Cat-girl (catbird@thecave.com)

To: [All Girls]

Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Girls Night Out

           I have an information swap with Red Arrow at 930 but I can meet you all at 10?

From: Red Robin (detectivejunior@thecave.com)

To: [All Girls]

Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Girls Night Out

           I’m trying to be stealthy here but my email tone keeps going off in my comm!

From: Blackbat (quietbat@thecave.com)

To: [All Girls]

Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Girls Night Out

           Stake Out. Falcone club. 10:30pm. Bring suits. Drinks on me.

From: Red Robin (detectivejunior@thecave.com)

To: [All Girls]

Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Girls Night Out

           Screw you all.

From: Flamebird (flamebird@thecave.com)

To: [All Girls]

Subject: Last Night

           Ladies, that was so much fun. The drinking, the dancing, the taking down of criminals… We should do it again! Try and make a monthly thing out of it.

           H did you end up going home with that guy???

From: Huntress (helbat@clocktower.com)

To: [All Girls]

Subject: RE: Last Night

           Nooo… I did end up taking him to jail though. Went home with a bartender. The blondie who gave us all those free drinks.

           He was cute. ;)

From: Red Robin (detectivejunior@thecave.com)

To: [All Girls]

Subject: RE: RE: Last Night

           You guys, why am I still on this mailing list?

           I’m not a girl.

           Please. TAKE ME OFF THIS MAILING LIST!

From: Oracle (oracle@clocktower.com)

To: [All Girls]

Subject: RE: RE: RE: Last Night

           If you really wanted off this mailing list, RR, then why did you show up last night?

From: Red Robin (detectivejunior@thecave.com)

To: [All Girls]

Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: Last Night

           I actually hate you.

https://archiveofourown.org/users/ithoughtslashmeanthorror

[untilthebattlespickedme]

Is it time to say good-bye to a good thing?

**ALERT ALERT, THIS IS A VENT, NO OBLIGATION TO READ THIS SHOULD YOU SOMEHOW COME ACROSS IT (also, how are you here anyways???)**

I just have to get it out somewhere. Maybe putting it in words will help me think it through.

I've been stewing on this for probably years now, well over half the time I've actually been doing any text-based rping, no matter how bad.

I love rp, don't get me wrong. But the kind I do is a dying breed, everyone involved knows it, at least on the sites I've used, which are both incredibly low traffic sites to begin with, one now defunct (thanks, Google, that one stung). These are community based, group posts with 1x1 or smaller groups being a bit more frequent. In design, there's nothing wrong with it: profiles to make the characters known and mildly fleshed out, events to involve everyone and side plots to keep us going, a built in gc to talk, pms to chat if we please, and no real shortage of communities to join should we choose to switch, make, or add one to our rosters. There's deep lore and genuine care and I've made better memories there than 99% of high school (to be fair, I did lose part of my senior year to Covid so does it really count?)

The problems really started to arise when I realized I was in it for the long haul and frankly... most aren't. I've lost more partners and friends than I can count, each hurting just as much as the last. These are characters I adore and stories I'm invested in like little else. You might even call it an addiction, but if it is, I know better than to pressure any of my partners or burden them with it. Tbh, it's a bit of a problem that I'm not vocal at all OOC. If I stick it through, I want to fix that.

But eventually, you feel like you've seen it all. I'm jaded by cliques to begin with and they never do leave. A Selection? I've been in dozens, never lasting long enough to care. Eventually, I even left my favorite world behind when no one else cared about it anymore (though, I am writing a story that was supposed to be based on it... not so much anymore, either) and now, two years down the line, I'm left with a single rp community I care about.

And granted, I was going to give it up by the beginning of the fall semester. Start university, go live in a dorm, experience college life, study my ass off, live as myself and not a handful of characters.

Instead, I spend all my time alone, in my childhood home and bedroom, where everyone forgets that I'm in college at all and where I don't often do much but school and things online. To be fair, I'm extremely lucky, I know, and I'm not trying to diminish that in anyway. I'm just so lonely that its killing me and I thought rp might help at first, but I don't think it's done anything but make 2020 a little bit harder and pettier for me.

I want to improve my skills, but no one wants to read a measly paragraph reply, they all want one-liners or close to it. The app is glitchy, but no one cares enough to double check when I haven't responded for a while to see if I'm ghosting or they missed the notif (this, for the record, I suspect is often how they cover up not caring about the post/characters). Their time zones are different, or they just stay up until 4am for no reason but to rp and never come on before midnight. And I know it's been a rough year, I don't expect anyone to be where they were years ago, or even a month ago, I for sure am not. But when it starts feeling more like I'm being targeted and no one else seemed to have these things going on... I get a bit suspicious and hurt.

To top it off, I always feel like I'm missing something, like I did something wrong or they did something that I didn't catch. Paranoia is strong for sure.

The problems have only gotten worse in the past couple weeks. One person never finishes an rp yet just completed 2-3 that were 4 times as long as I've ever seen them do. One person dominates the chat and both of these two only ever swoon over their characters and relationships (like, its the same thing you've done three times now!!) One person practically just copied my main character and is obsessed with them, but seems to only like mine for the sake of bragging rights to one of their other characters, who is my mc's boyfriend??? They want to rp with characters I have but don't have the guts to kill off (yet). These are also the same people who have bashed my favorite artist in a manner that made me feel sick just for being a fan, repeatedly screwed over character arcs (which led to me not liking my own characters anymore in the first place!) and have otherwise created inconveniences that I never did figure out how to deal with. I feel like a stranger in my own community, I built and curated it for *this?!*

Maybe I'm insecure. Maybe my writing and characters and plots have problems. Maybe I'm too attached, need a life, or at least a detox. Maybe I'm petty and letting things that are meaningless get to me.

But every time I open the app to the last people I know online in any meaningful way, I just want to cry. I feel like I've given everything and have nothing left, and that they've used me and left me to rot. I want to love it all again, but I don't know how. It's so emotionally taxing, but to leave sounds unbearable.

Sometimes I wonder if I had just been able to have a normal freshman year, if everything would be okay now... But we'll never know and can't even lament it without feeling so damn guilty.

And spoiler alert, this didn't make me feel any better, especially since I started writing this, the gc for this community got a hell of a lot more like, well, personal hell.

[wehelddarkness]

ANNUAL WRITING SELF-EVALUATION

*All answers should be about works published in 2017.

The loveliest @hrrytomlinson tagged me to do this! I love you Lauren, thanks!

1. List of works published this year: 

Every Little Thing He Does Is Magic (we started posting it in 2016 but we finished it in January this year so it still counts haha)

Sick of Losing Soulmates (I Like You)

Love Is on The Radio

Love Like Wildfire

If You Ever Wanna Be in Love

Bright Eyes

Can I bother you for a sex? 

Hurt/Comfort: A winter's tail (the fall and rise of Louis Tomlinson) - The Winter Drabbles series

(I  don’t know if we’ll be able to start posting Part 4 of M&W, but it’s already all written haha)

God I didn’t notice I wrote these many fics this year LMAO

2. Work you are most proud of (and why):

It has to be, hands down, Mistletoes & Wrackspurts series (ELTHDIM, SOLS(ILY) and IYEWBIL - and now Part 4 as well). I fell in love with the universe Syn and I created. I feel in love with the characters, I’m too attached to them now and I can’t wait to show everyone what we have in store for them. I don’t know, I just love it, getting immersed in writing Wizard Harry and Muggle Louis and being able to include HP aspects in it is just the best part. Even if it’s not a story for everyone’s likes, even if my writing is still not the best, I always give my best when I write about this universe and I’m immensely proud of what we did with it so far!

3. Work you are least proud of (and why):

I can’t say I’m least proud of it, but if I have to rank, it would be Bright Eyes, only because all the while I was writing it I was like: what’s the point? what do I want to accomplish with this fic? will people even like it?. And also because I kinda struggled writing it for a bit, so this one gave me a bit of hard time I guess. But there are aspects of it that I am proud, because it was initially a fanfic in Portuguese I had written when I was around 15-17 (lol), inspired by a classical Brazilian author’s story and I managed to turn into Larry, so yay for me hahaha

4. A favorite excerpt of your writing:

I remember 0 things about what I wrote, so this is hard for me to answer LMAO 

I know I get really emotional when rereading the reunion scene from IYEWBIL (and also the argument scene too), so I guess that whole part is a favorite, but right now I might say it’s something from Part 4 that hasn’t been posted yet and it hasn’t been beta’ed either but I’ll put it in here, so....

**SPOILER ALERT**

Right there, as the clock almost hit midnight marking the beginning of a New Year, Harry was sure he couldn’t possible love Louis more, he couldn’t possibly want nothing else but to share his life with him, share a home with him too.

5. Share or describe a favorite comment you received:

It’s probably Lobna’s “who tops in this fic” :D

LMAO KIDDING HAHAHAHAHAH

God, I can’t choose a favorite comment because I’m a sucker for all of them. People saying nice things and saying how much they enjoy our works is the best thing for me. I gotta say tho, @broccoliwasdone‘s private comments are the best ones HAHAHA but also @doctorrainbows‘s ones were amazing to read (I LOVE ROSIE AND HER COMMENTS TO DEATH AHJAAHAJ), @happilylouie‘s (<333), @thestainofredwine‘s (AMANDA I MISS YOU) and @finck-you-freeky‘s (and all the tie kink anons hahaha <3 ) as well.

6. A time when writing was really, really hard:

Every time I write I struggle with something, gotta love me some writer’s blocks :D But I guess I could say there were 3 main times this year: When I was writing Love Like Wildfire, because writing a/b/o was a first for me and I didn’t know if I was doing it right (and my anxiety was acting up at the same time so, yay), then when I tried to write mine and Syn’s McSmutty fic (rip this one lmao), I barely started writing it and I already hated it, so I gave up lol (one day we might get back to it, who knows hahaha) and lastly when I was writing Bright Eyes as I mentioned before.

7. A scene or character you wrote that surprised you:

Probably a scene in Bright Eyes hahaha if you read it, you might know which one I’m talking about. God, that was hard (ehehe). Oh, but also IYEWBIL’s argument scene. That was an intense one and I can’t believe it didn’t suck after all :D

8. How did you grow as a writer this year:

To begin with, it was the year I wrote more fics haha so I guess it gave me more opportunities to get my writing better and see what works for me or not. I’m still not confident enough about my writing, but I think I improved it a bit and I’m proud of how my works were done.

9. How do you hope to grow next year:

I hope I get to improve myself even more. I hope to keep exploring new things, because the most challenging things to do are the ones who help us grow the most. And as any author out there, I hope my works get more recognized and that more people enjoy it, because people’s comments and inputs on my fics is what fuels me to keep going.

10. Who was your greatest positive influence this year as a writer (could be another writer or beta or cheerleader or muse etc etc):

Who would it be if not @regulusarcblack? This binch has been with me through it all, has helped me, has called me out, we have argued back and forth HAHAHA but, Syn is my rock when it comes to writing (and everything else), so whatever we do together, or apart, she’s a constant in all of them, so I have to thank her a huge amount. 

My lovely @britpickerhl​ is also another important influence on me, helping me so much and giving me encouragement and confidence with her comments when she’s beta’ing for us! I can’t thank you enough for being on this ride with us!

And........ of course @broccoliwasdone​ because Genny is the best cheerleader and PR person out there HAHAHAHAHAH Whenever I need reassurance, she’s there to read my stuff and help me out. ALL MARCEL (THE OWL)’S SCENES ARE DEDICATED TO HER!!!!!!!!! I love you binch.

And the writer’s gc as well, even if for the short time we’ve known each other, you all helped me a lot, so thanks! :D

11. Anything from your real life show up in your writing this year:

“Is this Harry or me? We’ll never know”

“Louis or me? Hard to tell”

It’s all I have to say.

HAHAHAHAHAHA

12. Any new wisdom you can share with other writers:

As I said in question 9, the most challenging things to do are the ones who help us grow the most, so don’t stop yourself from trying. Keep on writing, even if it’s only for yourself or 3 other people, because there might be someone out there who will enjoy it, even if you hate it. Don’t be afraid of putting yourself out there. Don’t be intimidated by other authors or fics who seem to be bigger and doing better than yours. Everybody has their own audience and even if yours is small, they are worth it, so much. (and let’s not forget that sometimes..... things that are bigger and more famous are..... worse *drops mic*)

13. Any projects you’re looking forward to starting (or finishing) in the new year:

I haven’t thought much about what I want to write next year. The only real commitment I have is with the HL Song Lyric Exchange, and I already know this is going to be another challenge in my life haha. M&W series is a constant in our lives, so let’s see what more shall we bring into this universe! I have a few other ideas that I don’t know if they will come to life, but let’s wait and see what will happen :D

14. Tag three writers/artists whose answers you’d like to read.

So this goes to @regulusarcblack @1diamondinthesun and @hogwartzlou :D

[bodhisattvapath]

Varieties of Enlightenment

Back in the mid-seventies I was in the Air Force, and was stationed on Pope Air Force Base near Fort Bragg, a huge army base covering over 200 square miles of central North Carolina. I was 18 years old and bored out of my mind. The military had thoroughly corrupted the nearby town of Fayetteville and my only reprieve from boredom was to drive to the coast on Friday evening and spend the weekend on the beaches of Cape Hatteras and Okracoke Island. Laying on the beach at night listening to the ocean waves lulled my mind to a restful state just at the cusp of sleep. Even though I never seemed to fully fall asleep, I always seemed to rise with the first sunlight coming over the flat, watery horizon feeling refreshed. I felt very awake, aware, and alive. This feeling seemed to last throughout the day and even into the first day or two of the work week. By Friday, the effect had worn off and I was ready for another trip to the Outer Banks.

After I got out of the Air Force in May of ‘76, I moved out to Colorado Springs where my sister was living to look for a job. I wasn’t able to find a job but did go on some great back-packing trips with my brother-in-law. Up in the Rockies as you climb the trails, the wind blowing through the aspens and conifers sings enchanting songs, calming and pacifying the mind. There is no desire to think of anything but the sound of rustling leaves high above, whispers through fir needles, the scent of pine and loamy soil, and the slow, rhythmic pace of footsteps and breathing. It was effortless to be deeply settled in the present moment and more fully aware of self and environment. Running streams chanted in a thousand tongues all singing praise to each fleeting moment. I found these backpacking trips as necessary as sleeping and eating. They were healing, nature itself the doctor. They addressed a deep longing that I didn’t even know that I had and all I knew was that I wanted more of this sweet contentment that the mountains offered.

I briefly moved back to my home town in Illinois and found a job in a machine shop. I was a terrible mill operator and was soon let go, but while I was living there I went into the Karmel Korn shop I used to visit as a kid and saw a book called The TM Book. I was fascinated by the name, “Transcendental Meditation”. What does it mean? What would it be like to “transcend” thought? A few weeks later, I had returned to my pre-Air Force employer in Springfield, Illinois and as I was walking down the street, I saw a poster with Maharish Mahesh Yogi’s portrait on it and the words “Transcendental Meditation - Public Lecture”. It was that very evening. I attended the two introductory lectures and on Saturday morning found myself witnessing a puja to Guru Dev, Maharishi’s master, and was given a one syllable mantra to repeat to myself in a small room as I was sitting on a chair. Soon my hands folded on my lap seemed to be far below me and I could hear sounds from the neighborhood with fascinating clarity. The mantra seemed to be repeating in my mind automatically with no effort on my part and I felt completely serene, paralyzed. The teacher then asked how I was doing and I told him, “Fine.” He said, “This is how we meditate”. I continued to meditate using the mantra I was given for many years.

I missed Colorado and soon moved back. While there I took a “Science of Creative Intelligence” class at the Colorado Springs TM center. The people were unlike any I had ever met before and I felt so comfortable with them all -- a retired colonel, the wife of a surgeon, a college student, another retired couple, and couple that were TM teachers, along with Ron Carpenter, the head of the center. I saw a Maharishi International University catalog at the center and knew I had to go there.

In January of 1978, I started my freshman year at MIU (later renamed to Maharishi University of Management). In the summer of ‘79, I went on an extended retreat to learn the TM Siddhi program and soon found myself meditating twice a day with about a thousand other “siddhas” in the “Golden Dome”, a huge meditation hall (or flying hall as we called it). After doing a quick set of yoga asanas and pranayama in my dorm room, I would walk with all the other meditators to the dome and practice TM and the Siddhis. I remember mornings and afternoons in the dome when I felt that there was nothing more I need do in this life so great was the feeling of contentment during meditation.

While at MIU (MUM), I listened to hundreds of hours of Maharishi videos as part of “Forest Academy” retreats that were part of the curriculum. Maharishi delineated seven states of consciousness in some of the lectures:

Waking

Dreaming

Sleeping

Pure Consciousness - A state of “restful alertness” experienced during the practice of meditation when thoughts and mantra subside and consciousness is simply self-aware.

Cosmic Consciousness (CC) - A state when Pure Consciousness becomes infused into the waking state giving the rise to “unbounded awareness”. This is a state when the awareness of the Self is maintained during normal activity. It is called “cosmic” because it includes the awareness of the subject and object of perception, i.e., the experiencer is never “overshadowed” by perception and even dynamic activity.

God Consciousness (GC) - As one becomes established in Cosmic Consciousness, the senses continue to refine giving rise to greater and greater appreciation of subtler and subtler levels of perception. This eventually brings about the perception of the celestial or divine aspects present in the phenomenal world and causes the heart to expand in love for the divine.

Unity Consciousness (UC) - With the rise of God Consciousness, the separation between the subject and object, the knower and the known, eventually dissolves. One perceives the world without duality and feels one with the surroundings. As this state unfolds, one feels one with the entire universe and realizes the mahavakya “Aham Brahmasmi” -- I am Brahman. This realization is also know as Brahman Consciousness (BC).

Of course, we at MIU had no doubt that Maharishi and his teacher, Guru Dev (Swami Brahmananda Saraswati) were in Brahman Consciousness and took everything that Maharishi said as being unquestionably true. How could an enlightened being say something that was not true?

After graduating from MIU, I moved to Taiwan to learn Chinese and taught English for a living. While there, I met a Chinese monk, Venerable Master Sheng-yen, who had received dharma transmission from two different Chan lineages, the Caodong (Soto) and the Linjii (Rinzai) traditions of Chan (Chinese Zen) Buddhism, that is, his masters verified that he had the correct and authentic experience of self-nature and was qualified to teach others. I began attending his Sunday lectures and soon found myself on a seven day Chan retreat in New York City while I had briefly returned to the US. At first I was reluctant to give up the practice of TM and the Siddhis but became aware that I had become very attached to the practice. A nun reasoned with me, “If you can pick something up, you can also put it down -- and you can pick it up again.” I was reluctant. On the second day of the retreat, Master Sheng-yen (Shifu), asked me to just meditate by following my breath. I agreed, thinking that after 9 years of practicing TM, it would be easy. It wasn’t. Pain in my legs at times was unbearable and I was beginning to think that Chan Buddhists were masochists. But, something about Shifu made me fully trust him and I persisted with this practice for several years.

It was during this time that I experience inner conflict regarding seemingly opposing religious traditions I had been exposed to. I had grown up as a Catholic, pretty much became a Vedantic yogi while at MIU, and suddenly found myself very seriously desiring to become a Buddhist monk out of shear trust of my Shifu, Master Sheng-yen. Shifu was an incredible man. When he lectured, you always thought he was talking to you personally. And when he was talking to you, he seemed completely and genuinely interested in you, in your well-being without concern for himself. While I deeply admired this selfless quality, it ran contrary to my education from Maharishi. While the Maharishi proclaimed, “All love is directed toward the self”, the Buddha proclaimed that there is no independently existing person, self, or soul. All the Chan and Zen literature seemed to point to this as fact. My own Shifu seemed to be completely selfless and full of compassion for others. What would it be like to experience “no self”? I was intrigued and apprehensive at the same time. And how could Maharishi say that the ultimate reality was Brahman when the Buddha and my Shifu proclaimed that there is no such thing? How could there be no Creator? It was so obvious that there was intelligence of a supreme order in the universe. These questions gnawed at me for quite some time.

Eventually, my recourse was to look back at my own Christian tradition for answers. I went through a period where I read meditative and contemplative works by Thomas Merton, Fr. Basil Pennington, Thomas Keating, Catherine Doherty and others for answers. I eventually became interested in meditative tradition of Eastern Orthodox Christianity and even enrolled in a three year program to become a deacon. After the first semester, I faced quiet a crisis. I had read so many books that were required reading on the history of the church and its doctrines and while on vacation at Lake Tahoe, I suddenly realized that I simply didn’t believe in most of the Christian dogma. It was like a balloon was popped and Christianity just vanished before my eyes.

I began studying Buddhist and Indian literature much more seriously to find out how so many obviously enlightened masters could experience a different enlightenment than what Maharishi had laid out. How could there be multiple enlightenments? How can one person experience enlightenment and proclaim that it is Brahman and another experience enlightenment and say that it is void of Self? As I read more about the different schools of Buddhism, I found that even they didn’t agree on what the experience of Nirvana was. The Theravada Buddhist present Nirvana one way and the Mahayana and Vajrayana Buddhist present it other ways. So how can the experience of Nirvana be different?

I decided that the only way I would know the truth was to experience it myself. In 2005, I rededicated myself to practicing meditation and started attending Chan retreats at Dharma Drum Retreat Center in Pine Bush, New York. After several retreats, my experience and confidence in the Chan Buddhist tradition deepened significantly. I also went to Vipassina retreats held at the Chanmyay Satipatthana Vihara in Springfield, Illinois, which I felt were extremely helpful in understanding the experience of no self and loosing the fear of this experience. The last retreat I went on was in December of 2009, and this retreat brought about an experience that has made my faith in Buddhism unshakable.

So why am I on a traditional yoga teacher training course? After practicing meditation for many years, I reached a point where I could no longer bear to not help others learn to meditate. There is so much confusion and suffering in the world that is so unnecessary. Through meditation and adapting a lifestyle conducive to its practice, confusion and suffering begin to fall away. At the request of the former abbot of the Dharma Drum Retreat Center (DDRC), Ven. Guo Jun, I began leading a meditation group in Fort Wayne, Indiana (and now in Elk Grove, California). People get together and practice meditation together once every couple weeks or so. Meanwhile, I started practicing yoga again in Elk Grove after joining a fitness club to address health concerns and rediscovered that it was a great way to practice mindfulness and settle down before meditation. Yoga was incorporated into the Chan retreats at DDRC for this reason. The people that attend the meditation sessions I host have a lot of trouble with restlessness and I thought it would be great to incorporate yoga into our meditation practice. Then, I got laid off and was given a Borders Books gift card for my birthday. It was then that I found Srivatsa Ramaswami’s book, The Complete Book of Vinyasa Yoga, and then found his website and the 200 Hour Yoga Teacher Training course offered at LMU. So, hear I am!

Being on this course, I’ve run into a whole new set of philosophies to reconcile. In Ramaswami’s Yoga Sutras class, it became apparent that the Yoga of Patanjali was not the yoga I had learned from Maharishi years ago. Patanjali is said to have written the Yoga Sutras to clarify what had become a morass of conflicting yogic philosophies in India. It was also a reaction to challenges to “orthodox” Indian philosophy from Jain and Buddhist sources. But, in clarifying yoga, Patanjali actually set it apart from Vedantic Brahmanism while introducing a devotional path for those so inclined as well as a purely meditative path for those that do not accept the notion of a Creator God. Patanjali’s Yoga reaches its culmination in the realization of the individual self (atman) as separate from the universal Self. According to Patanjali, enlightenment is a state of duality in which the individual Self is separate from all other phenomena, including the universal Self. The Vedantic tradition sees this duality as the last vestige of ignorance and seeks to remove it. Circling back to Maharishi Mahesh Yogi’s teaching, the dualism of Patanjali is equivalent to the state of Cosmic Consciousness. It is a state of liberation, but not a fully enlightened state of Unity (or Brahman) Consciousness.

From the Chan Buddhist perspective, the experience of Unity Consciousness is also recognized as a state of liberation and a highly enlightened state. In fact, meditators on Chan retreats that I have attended have had clear experiences of Unity Consciousness, experiencing oneness with the environment. Yet this is not seen as the goal of Chan enlightenment. When meditators go to the retreat master with experiences of oneness with the environment or even the universe, they are told to go back and work harder.

There comes a time when even this oneness falls away and any attachment to the notion of self (individual or universal) evaporates. The Chan retreats use a meditation technique that is sometimes referred to as “The Method of No Method” (refer to my Shifu’s book of this name) or Silent Illumination (Chinese: Muo Zhao). This method requires that the meditator already be able to stay with the object of meditation without problem, i.e., Dhyana, from which the Chinese word Chan is derived. After following the breath and attaining what is referred to as “unifed mind”, the practitioner changes the object of meditation to the entire body and sits with full awareness of the body “just sitting”. As the meditator continues this practice, the distinction of where the body ends and where the environment begins becomes blurred and begins to evaporate completely. During this second stage, the meditator feels as though the body is the entire room. As sounds come from beyond the room, the distinction again falls away and what is beyond the room also is perceived to be all within ones own awareness. This continues until there is a feeling of complete oneness with the environment. Even as the meditator walks to the dining hall, washes the dishes, or lays down to rest, this feeling of oneness with the objects of perception can persist, even extending to the sun, moon, stars, and universe.

To move beyond this experience of unity with the phenomenal world, some retreat masters will use a technique known as “Direct Contemplation” and have the practitioners focus on an object in the natural world with bare awareness. When the meditator is ripe for such a technique, even the unified subject/object relationship begins to melt. It’s as if perception pivots on itself and looses the need of a perceiver. The subject of perception fades and only the object remains. The phenomenal world becomes fully illumined by silence and all of nature comes alive, all things infinitely correlated with all other things, all speaking to all other with perfect fluidity. A cosmic orchestra of mutually supporting, ever changing phenomena penetrated by silence. It is a state of absolute perfection and contentment devoid of any attachment to self or any object of perception. In Chan literature, it is said to be beyond words, yet there are some very beautiful poems by Chan masters that beautifully give glimpses of this state.

So who is to say that the experience of Brahman is any different? Does the person that experiences the mahavakya, “Aham Brahmasmi”, experience anything differently that the Chan practitioner of the highest calibre? Does he still identify with a universal Self? Is there still attachment or clinging to Self? I leave this for you to ponder, or better yet to penetrate.

While there are different paths to enlightenment and different levels of enlightenment, ultimately at the highest level they cannot be different. Experiencing silence between waves at the sea shore or feeling a vague oneness with the wind and trees in the mountains could be called a dawning of awakening. Experiencing mind totally content to stay with the object of meditation is a level of enlightenment. Effortlessly maintaining constant awareness of oneself during activity is another level and loosing awareness of that self is yet another, higher level. When one has no more to do for oneself but can only think of helping others out of suffering, this is higher still. Realizing there is no suffering is still higher.

There cannot be different ultimate truths. I believe all spiritual paths may ultimately lead to one truth. As we say in the Mid-West, some paths may be “taking the long way around the barn”, but they all lead to the other side. My own path around the barn has been a long and winding one. May your path to the supreme truth be as direct and sweet as possible!

[canaryatlaw]

okay it’s just passed 2:30 am so I need to start writing. today was....a lot lol. I’ll try to be somewhat simplistic but a lot took place lol. woke up 8:45 for court as always, once I got on with the coordinator in the first courtroom I had another case up at 10, the other lawyer was checked in and good to go so they just threw us in first, which actually involved watching the camera trained on the judge’s chair for about 10 minutes before she showed up lol. I didn’t expect to have any issues with this court date, though I didn’t know what OC was going to pull out, but he just started mumbling some stuff that the judge was just like “ah, no” and then granted what I asked for and that was that. so I go on to the other courtroom feed and get put in a breakout room waiting for my client, who was at the 9 am criminal court case against this douchelord. the plan had been we gave the state’s attorney info about our following court date immediately after and they would serve him with it in court, BUT apparently this giant fucking idiot managed to piss the judge off enough that she just straight up kicked him off the call.....I was in stitches as my client was telling me what happened, he was just being really stupid and saying things that don’t make sense lol. somewhat unfortunately for us though, he was kicked off before the ASA was able to serve him with the info about our court date, so we didn’t really get to move forward there. however, while I was in the breakout room with my client, she got a gps alert call (the idiot is on gps monitoring so she gets calls if he comes within certain distances) and we both listened as the call said he was at the courthouse address.....and once again, I just died laughing because there’s no way in hell they were going to let him in and that was just too fucking funny. eventually we get in the judge and I tried to keep a straight face while telling the judge he didn’t get served with the info because he got kicked off the Zoom call, but I could tell the judge was a bit amused with it all as well, because  mean it’s pretty damn funny. So we reset, try again on the next criminal court date and get him served there, so we’ll see how that goes. FINALLY done with court, pretty much nothing I did for the rest of the day work wise was interesting, I’m bordering on like, having no work to do haha which is a strange feeling to say the least, but it’s mostly because my case list has been shrinking because with everything going on we’re getting a lot of cases closed, but I’m sure I will get plenty more soon because we do have a lot of requests for representation right now. otherwise, I ate cotton candy ice cream for lunch because I do what I want and then at 3 one of my amazing friends from the Sara stan GC had a video call with Caity and set it up so all like 10 of us from th GC got like ten seconds to say hi to her, and of course before it happened we were all on the call joking around and it really just made me so happy to be with my friends and just enjoying myself. once that had ended I really needed to get to the ups store and get some toilet paper, so I grabbed my stuff (including my cart to carry the toilet paper in (hashtag no car problems) and headed out. I was feeling mostly okay with everything, the biggest issue continues to be crosswalks, just the pressure of getting across in a certain period of time makes me nervous and once I’m like halfway through it’ll start acting up, but I was able to avoid any issues today by kind of changing my walking style- lifting my knees up sometimes helps, or crouching down a bit, and then just taking small steps and give it a few seconds to pass when you feel it coming on. but yeah, made it to the ups store for a bunch of stamps, which I had to stick like 7 of on the letters I had to send out but was good from there. I walked to the grocery store from there, it’s not /far/, but I wasn’t sure if it was a good idea to test my limits at the moment, but I figured I needed to do it sooner or later so I should at least try, and things went well. I grabbed toilet paper and a few other things and then went to the check out and once done managed to shove everything into my cart even with the toilet paper taking up most of the room, and I could just tell the worker standing next to me for bagging was like, very surprised I managed to do that, lol. It wasn’t raining when I’d arrived at the grocery store but as I was leaving it felt like it had just started, and as I progressed on my way home it started to get worse, but thankfully I was just around the block so it wasn’t much of an issue. I was very close to getting all the way back to my apartment without any incidents but dragging the now very heavy cart up the stairs and trying to balance was a bit difficult, and at one point I felt like I was going to fall but I grabbed something and just held onto it for dear life while I managed to swing myself and my cart onto the small landing that’s there. I obviously didn’t land on my feet, but I was okay, though I did think stuff like this is probably why I always have random bruises lol. got back in, put stuff away, I’m rushing because it’s almost 3, but yeah had some eggs for dinner and watched some fresh off the boat, and then recorded a podcast episode, which I’ll probably edit and post tomorrow. and yeah, that was about it, from there I showered and started getting ready for bed and now I’m here and it’s 3 am so I need sleep, it is my office day so I get to sleep until 10 at least, but still, need sleep and will do that now. Goodnight babes. Hope you enjoyed your day, even if it was a crazy as mine.

[jenniferfaye34]

#Giveaway + Excerpt ~ Magic, Mayhem and Murder by January Bain... #CozyMystery #Paranormal #books #BookBlogger

This post is part of a virtual book tour organized by Goddess Fish Promotions. January Bain will be awarding a $25 Amazon or Barnes and Noble GC to a randomly drawn winner via rafflecopter during the tour. Click ont the tour banner to see the other stops on the tour.

Book one in Manitoba Tea & Tarot Mysteries series Charm McCall, armed with a library full of Agatha Christie stories and her unique witchy gifts, knows how to solve a small-town murder… Charm McCall, the oldest of the McCall triplets by a whole day—or one minute before midnight if one’s being picky—is the designated driver for her whole town. Why, if it wasn’t for her, Snowy Lake would incinerate or fall into Hudson’s Bay. With her unique abilities, she’s all set to keep her family and town safe and on its proper course. That is, until a hot Mountie moves into town, a busload of strippers breaks down on Main Street and Mrs. Hurst goes and gets herself murdered with poisoned jam. Jam crafted by Charm’s family at the Tea & Tarot café. Now it’s up to her to solve the murders—yes, plural, when another local business owner ends up dead. Charm knows just what to do. What’s breaking a few laws if she can sleuth out the culprit? She knows the people of Snowy Lake better than any new lawman possibly could. So why can’t he just leave her be to get on with things? And why does he have to be so darn hot?

Read an Excerpt There came a loud snapping of branches. Darn it, unwanted company. My fingers grasped at the aerosol spray bottle at my waist. I waited for another sound to alert me to the direction of the intruder. The sun in my eyes, I squinted to survey the landscape, swiveling my head back and forth. There. I caught the movement of a humongous upright creature headed straight for me, plowing through the thick undergrowth and overhead canopy as though he had just one intention—to do me harm. I didn’t care if it were a huge black bear or the legendary Bigfoot. Either way, I’d strike first, with the sharp knife hidden in my boot if it came to that. I sprayed the noxious substance from the hip, directing the wide stream from my belt holster. A loud grunt of surprise sounded. “Aww, why did you do that?” More moans of human agony followed. Oops. Out of the bushes stumbled a very large man—not Bigfoot, but darn close. Dressed in a black windbreaker, black jeans and extra-large combat boots, he wore a very nice black Stetson, accompanied by a full-on grimace. And oh my, when he pinned me with a look from his haunting brown eyes under that spectacular bad-boy hat, my insides somersaulted. Wow. “Oh, my goodness! I’m so sorry! Thought you were a black bear. If I’d known you were—well, you, I’d never have sprayed.” The tall hunk of a man was too busy flushing his face with a water bottle to give me an answer. I waited, chewing on my lower lip and wishing I could just sink into the ground. But who rumbled through the bushes in such an obvious way? A bear, that was who. A land predator unafraid of humans and wanting to take a bite right out of me. “Ma’am, I was coming to warn you. There’s been a bear sighted not far from here. I heard you caterwauling and thought you might be in trouble. Didn’t expect to be pepper sprayed for my trouble.” I looked around warily. Maybe it was time to head back to town and bring a group of people to pick berries another day when I could assign someone to keep a lookout. I had filled four buckets. Not too shabby. Wait. What did he just say? “I do not caterwaul. I was singing. And it sure beats crashing through the bush like Bigfoot.” “If you say so, darlin’.” Was that a twinkle in his eyes? The rest of his handsome mug remained inscrutable, launching another fussy crop of butterflies into my body, looking to land. He came closer and the acrid stench of the protection spray on his clothes made my eyes water in sympathy. Oh, my. He caught my grimace. “Not so pleasant an odor to be around, I agree. I’m Constable Ace Collins, by the way.” “As in RCMP?” My voice came out in a high-pitched squeal. Darn it. Of all the people to mace, how did I manage a lawman? About the Author:

January Bain has wished on every falling star, every blown-out birthday candle, and every coin thrown in a fountain to be a storyteller. To share the tales of high adventure, mysteries, and full blown thrillers she has dreamed of all her life. The story you now have in your hands is the compilation of a lot of things manifesting itself for this special series. Hundreds of hours spent researching the unusual and the mundane have come together to create books that features strong women who live life to the fullest, wild adventures full of twists and unforeseen turns, and hot complicated men who aren’t afraid to take risks. She can only hope her stories will capture your imagination. If you are looking for January Bain, you can find her hard at work every morning without fail in her office with her furry baby, Ling Ling. And, of course, she’s married to the most romantic man! Who once famously remarked to her inquiry about buying fresh flowers for their home every week, “Give me one good reason why not?” Leaving her speechless and knocking her head against the proverbial wall for being so darn foolish. She loves flowers. If you wish to connect in the virtual world she is easily found on Facebook. Oh, and she loves to talk books… Blog - http://januarybainjourney.blogspot.ca/ Twitter – https://twitter.com/JanuaryBain Facebook – https://www.facebook.com/january.bain Goodreads - https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/6437282.January_Bain Amazon Author page - https://amzn.to/2NaPYub Goodreads author page: https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/6437282.January_Bain Totally Bound Author Page: https://www.totallybound.com/author/january-bain Email address for fans - januarybain@xplornet.com a Rafflecopter giveaway