#i did not work 9 hours every day and pay rent and groceries just to have people judge me for how i spend my extra money lmao 😭

[minieggukie]

Hello, re: the tags on your last post, can I ask why you need multiple copies of each of the photobooks? Not meaning to step on any toes, maybe you have a legitimate reason, but isn’t that a little unfair to people who can only afford one copy and then can’t get it because others are purchasing multiple copies for themselves? I have only been able to save enough for one photobook so I am just getting Jimin’s because he is my bias and it would really suck to not be able to get one because on top of the general difficulty due to millions of people trying to get their hands on these books, people are buying up multiple copies for themselves for whatever reason.

Because I'm a bts merch and jikook photocard collector and I worked hard to get the money to spend on whatever I want? 😩 This is not a 'limited' item like the artist merch, if you haven't noticed Jungkook and Namjoon's photobooks are still in stock and available on weverse shop ANYTIME you want to purchase so I don't really see what the problem is if people just want to buy more for themselves? I also buy extras and do giveaways on my twt merch account or I give them to my friends here, because I do a yearly photocard and merch exchange with my other collector friends.

And FYI will you say this same thing to the people buying Hyundai and Samsung and LV and the 400$ Proof Collector's Album? Tell them not to buy because it's unfair to others who can't afford and they will laugh at you 😩

[sweetswesf]

Hello, everyone.

I had a good time with my mom. Despite what we’ve gone through, I put all that aside for the weekend and just tried to honor her the best I could so that she could enjoy her time and so that we could make a new memory. At the end she gave me some money and told me she would help me with rent so that I could stay in SF because it didn’t make sense for me to move back home if I needed to move back suddenly for a job.

At first I was like, “how sweet and naiive of her to think I’d get a job shortly after I move back” because I truly don’t know how long this unemployment time will be…

She saw what my day to day was like, and she felt sorry for me. She saw all the homelessness, my small space, heard about my lack of friendships and community here, how non-Black people just walk all over me on the street and don’t respect my space, and she knows I haven’t wanted to be here for a while, but she understands the smartest option at the moment is to just stay here…

I can say that I was really stressed this week. I didn’t have much motivation to do a lot of algorithms, but I still did what I could. I tried a few new food places out trying to fill a void. It helped a little bit, but with me being so conscious about every hour, calorie, and dollar, I’m not quite sure it was worth it. I went to a bakery that is usually really busy, but because I went while most people were at work, it was empty. The loneliness of that was just a reminder of my situation. The other place was in the financial district at lunch time. I didn’t plan to get there at lunch, but with public transportation and how slow I was moving that day, it ended up being at that time. I’m sure the people I saw working probably wish they had time off, but I was thinking “man, how nice would it be to have a job right now and not have to think you’re being irresponsible by eating $15 noodles you could have made for much cheaper…”

I’m continuing to pray and be hopeful for the best. I have to remind myself to keep studying, keep interviewing, keep trying, everyday. My Medi-Cal application STILL hasn’t been approved yet, and what’s better: they won’t answer their phones. I don’t want to go back to pay $700+ for health insurance.

I took SOOO many naps this week just exhausted from my mom’s visit. I did an interview. Interviewer was yawning and not paying attention. I would ask him questions, sometimes repetitively, but he wouldn’t respond to them. I guess he was tuning me out. One question in particular he didn’t respond to, so I continued with the design on that assumption, and he later corrected me on it. I had to remind him that I asked him about that and he didn’t say anything so that he wouldn’t give me negative feedback on that part, but once you call them out, it’s not a good look for you either 🤷🏾‍♀️. I asked for feedback and he told me he couldn’t give me any but that, “I definitely did some good things.” But the way he said that makes me think there were a lot of negatives.

There was some “okay” news for the role I’m hoping for and another person who referred me to a different role said she would bump the recruiter. I just hope I can stay focused, not forget what I have learned thus far, and not be so distracted by my circumstances so that I can get what I want.

I’m struggling with confidence and thinking about all the money I have spent during this time. Every day I wake up like wow, I’ve gone 9 months without a job…

The longest I’ve heard of someone going without a job is 2 years. With every passing day, I feel like I get less and less attractive to open positions and that doesn’t feel great, because I don’t want to settle for a position just to have something.

I won’t forget this time. It’s been traumatic. I still cry everyday.

I’m so emotionally sensitive as well. My mom bought me groceries after I had just bought groceries and it angered me. Just give me the money. I am not lacking in food. I probably am eating too much. I need money for rent and health care, primarily. It made me wonder if she didn’t trust me to spend the money she would give me wisely. She also bought me something that would give me more counter space and it frustrates me because it reminded me of how small and frustrating my counter space is and how I want to be in an apartment with more counter space. I also felt like that money she spent on that could have gone to rent or health care.

I told her how I felt. She understood. Just saying those words to her made me cry. I was frustrated and I was frustrated that I was frustrated. I felt ungrateful. She was trying to help and I was trying to dictate how she should help me. It also just reminded me of my situation again. I didn’t have this stress when I had a job. I didn’t have to have these hard conversations. I didn’t have to be so hyper-vigilant about every dollar.

I’m trying my best to stay calm and just focus on His promise for my life. And just appreciate things, no matter how “sweet” I used to have it. I have to believe that great is coming and that I’m going through this for a reason.

My little brother moved back to LA from Korea. He was there probably less than a month. I thought my mom knew he was on anti-depressant and anxiety meds when I saw them after I had his room cleaned. Apparently she didn’t know. Apparently when they went on their vacation to Arizona, he didn’t take his meds and my cousins told my mom that he was freaking out. Apparently, he didn’t take his meds on his trip to Japan and had a panic attack that my mom had to pay a $1k hospital bill for. Apparently, he wants to move to my grandmother’s house, the house I planned to move to if I had to move home.

My brain couldn’t process all of this and I just shook my head. I want my dream job real bad and healing for myself and my family.

With all this exhaustion, the thought of jumping right into a job fatigues me. Sure I could “take mini breaks” now, but how do I do that on a small budget without over consuming social media?

Speaking of which, I want to try next week to just consume less social media. If I need a break, I need to just walk around, open my Bible, close my eyes.

I wished one of my “friends” who stopped contacting me a happy birthday and offered to take her out. She said she felt really withdrawn. I haven’t heard from her since Monday. I feel that relationship has ended and I need to stop putting so much effort into maintaining it when she’s showed me so many signs that she’s done.

I was thinking about how Lil Wayne said he wanted to kill hisself after he was told he couldn’t rap anymore. I get it. If something you’re so passionate about gets taken away from you, you know you’ll be missing that thing forever and nothing short of God can replace that gratifying feeling. Not saying that it’s smart to consider that, but I don’t judge him for feeling that way. I could see why he felt that way. There is always a brighter day and reason to live and keep trying.

My mentor from my old team who’s been practice interviewing me hasn’t left my side. He’s remained encouraging, and consistently meets with me. I owe that man SO MUCH! I’m thinking about giving him $1k after I get a job, but he deserves SOOO much more than that.

I’m grateful for all the blessings and this time. I know more than what I want is coming and that I’m stronger than I think I am.

[blazehedgehog]

Roughly how many hours do you spend working on your major videos? Have you ever tried to figure out what sort of hourly wages you earn when you divide your YouTube and Patreon revenue by time spent working on content? I get the feeling that it's becoming increasingly difficult to make videos for a living, but I don't have any hard numbers to support that suspicion because creators tend to keep that info close to their chest (for good reason)

It's not really something I can easily measure. This isn't like I'm traveling to an office, clock in, focus on work for four hours, take a 30 minute break, work for four more hours, and then go home.

I try to do that, certainly, but there are also a lot of days where I get distracted for hours at a time with something on twitter, or discord, or whatever. Depending on the job, that could happen at real work, too, but not as much.

Like, when I worked at the thrift store back in Colorado, they actually patted me on the back for being one of the few people they had who took it seriously. Sure, I often took long lunches (45+ minutes) but they didn't seem to care and they were very happy with my work ethic outside of that.

Being your own boss is very difficult and unfortunately I am in a place where my work space is the same space where I do everything else -- I eat here, I sleep here, I relax here, and it can be hard to shift gears between different modes.

So I can't accurately tally up how much work I do in a given day because some days I work for what feels like 14 hours and some days it feels like I only work for a few minutes. Most of that depends on the stage of production -- script writing seems to be the slowest grind these days. Capturing footage goes the fastest. Cutting the final product together is where the longest, most intense hours come in.

I do, however, routinely think about "hourly wages" when it comes to Twitch, because they print "here's how long you streamed vs. how much you earned" in pretty black and white terms. Hopefully I don't sabotage anything by saying this (I know Youtube Networks don't like you sharing earnings analytics), but the two Twitch streams I did for Halloween, I streamed just under 6 hours and made about $9. That's, like, what, $1.50 an hour? Not great.

(But it was also totally impromptu, super low key, and in the middle of the night. More "for fun." I didn't even break 10 viewers for most of it.)

I will say, though, bare minimum, this has been one of the more profitable years for me on Youtube. But I need to do better.

Which natureally leads me to wonder what the purpose of this ask is.

As my Patreon has grown over the last couple months, and I've declared I'm finally making enough from it to cover my food groceries, I've had people ask how that's possible because I'd need more money for rent and things like that. Which is true! I cannot cover rent yet. I pay what I can when I can to my brother for the room I am staying in currently and I keep my fingers crossed that the hammer doesn't drop.

I have sat around and had a lot of panic attacks whether or not I can make this work. Doubts and questioning whether I can get things up high enough fast enough to make a dent in... I dunno, life, I guess. I don't need people drilling me about it, because I'm already drilling myself every second of every day.

For now, as long as the number keeps going up instead of down, I am going to close my eyes and pray for the best.

(Further reading beyond this point becomes very serious and heavy.)

To some extent, this is what my Mom wanted. When she went in to the hospital last year and her leg mysteriously broke, she came here to live at my brother's. Same room I'm in now. And I had this sense that even if she recovered, she may never drive again, she may never walk again, so by the end of that second or third week we sat down and had a loooong talk, because it was clear that no matter what else happened, there was about to be a shift in the dynamic.

So we cleared the air. There was a lot of crying. Up to that point, she had still acted like The Mom. She did the cooking, she did (some of) the cleaning, she managed all the finances, she was the head of the household. I'd offer to cook dinner and she'd either refuse, or only let me cook for myself only. Like, there would be times where she'd be full on asleep on the couch or whatever, and if she heard me trying to cook, she'd get up and try to shoo me out of the kitchen so she could fix dinner for us.

But after her leg broke, she was traumatized. She'd been suffering from very bad sciatica (back pain) for a long time, and every time she'd go to the hospital, they would brush her off and push her out the door. The circumstances in which her leg broke were horrible. She told us time and time again she begged them to go easy on her because her leg hurt before it broke, likely due to weak bones. After it broke, they refused to believe her. I think she said they left her laying in bed in the worst pain of her life for hours because they didn't think her femur actually broke. I actually saw her during this time and she was writhing in her hospital bed, barely coherent. It was awful.

That hurt her mentally as much as physically. My strong, independent, "I'll do it MYSELF" mother was suddenly frail and timid and prone to crying over something as small as me forgetting to make her a cup of coffee.

So even though it was a months and months and months before we knew she was actually just dying of cancer, I knew we had to sort things out and shift the balance of power. Even if she made a recovery, nothing would ever be the same again.

And when I brought up the prospect of taking Youtube more seriously, she was all for it. She said that "I always told everybody you were going to be famous some day."

My impostor syndrome never really rationalized that. In that moment, and especially now in retrospect, I believed her, but prior to that moment, all the praise she had given me over the years smashed in to a brick wall and ceased to exist. But it was her, when I'd have my one video a year take off, tell me about the "serious money" I could be making if I applied myself (which I never did, because she was my safety net and my comfort zone.)

And then I think about all the times she tried to tell me how smart I was, and about how, when I was 14 years old, there was some manager from IBM that "wanted to talk to me" because I had made a game in Clickteam Fusion over a weekend to sell at a craft fair she was attending.

Or how she'd push me to give out business cards to people who would compliment me on my Redbubble shirt designs when I'd wear them out in public. She always wanted me to hustle and I never had the drive or the energy for that.

I am trying to summon the energy up for that now. And it's hard, but at least I'm trying. Am I trying hard enough? Shit, I don't know. Maybe ask all the sleep I've lost in the last three months. I used to be the kind of guy who would zonk out and fall asleep within two minutes of my head touching the pillow, but now I routinely lay in bed for close to an hour, wondering and worrying if I can make this work.

As long as the number keeps going up instead of down, I am going to close my eyes and pray for the best.

I would like to end this saying that I'm pretty sure you aren't actually drilling me or anything like that. Honestly, no need to apologize. I always expect the worst from these asks and nobody is ever really that mean, outside of like... what probably amounts to one guy.

You're fine. And hopefully I'll be fine.

[sigilmain]

Okay gonna rant coz I already did all this math for something else and I'm mad anyway.

Minimum wage in my state is $10.10

Many places used to do the thing of saying part time and then having it be like .1 hours under what is considered full time but they can't do that any more due to new laws saying if your average weekly hours are above a set amount for a 4 week period they have to give you benefits so rather than do the math they just hire at 15-20 hours a week

Which means to get full time 40 hours a week you need to work two or three jobs and hope the schedules don't overlap and if the schedules do overlap hope the places don't go "show up or get fired"

Now for math! If you are lucky enough to get 40 hours a week at minimum wage you're making $404 a week, or let's say $808 every two weeks as is the usual pay period

Keeping in mind that's before taxes come out; after taxes according to a calculator found on my state's official .gov website that's $632 every two weeks, or about $1,264 a month

The average one bedroom/one bathroom apartment in my area runs $1,000 a month on average and that's without utilities

On top of that, unless you have someone to cosign for you since they still have this outdated image that your rent should be no more than 1/3 of your income if you're not making at least $3,000 a month they will usually deny you

So to afford a one bedroom/one bathroom apartment you either need to share with 2 other people or work 120 hours a week at 9 different jobs without scheduling errors; keeping in mind there's only 168 hours in a week, so that work load leaves you 48 hours per 7 days [about 6.8 hours a day] to sleep, eat, shower, transport yourself to work, clean, do laundry, go grocery shopping, etc.

And let's say you do manage to find 2 people that you're willing to share a single bedroom and bathroom with [assuming you're just working 40 hours a week] so the rent goes down to $334 per month [rounding]

Of the $1,264 you've made that just leaves $930 per month to pay for a car/gas or transport like Uber since my area has 0 public transport, utilities [since those aren't covered in the rent], internet and phone bills, an groceries.

My last roommate's car bill was $300 a month, gas to get to and from his job that was just a 15 minute drive was nearly $100 a month. And can't forget car insurance, which you need to be able to legally drive! The cheapest car insurance in my state is about $80 a month, so there goes $480 leaving $450 behind if you're lucky to have a job that's so close by and not a 30-45 minute commute like my mom had when I was growing up

Utilities averaged around $100 a month and the internet $80 for stuff that didn't shut down the second we were both trying to watch videos on our computers, so let's say that's $180 divided by 3 people coming out to $60 a month which leaves $390

The current cheapest price I can find for cell phones is $30 a month through Cricket. Yes other places offer cheaper, including Mint Mobile at $15 a month, but those places only come at that price if you pay multiple months [usually 3-12 months] in one big lump sum. So let's take the $30 a month, leaving now $360 a month left over

I shop for myself, and my grocery bill averages $70 a week right now because of inflation. That's with me buying store brands, buying stuff to cook myself if the component ingredients are cheaper, doing meal prep, buying stuff that's on sale, having access to my house mate's store card that gives discounts on store brands because he works there, coupons, and every other money saving method that's reasonable for me. So $280 a month for groceries, and let's bump that up to $300 to account for times you gotta buy things like laundry detergent, deodorant, shampoo/conditioner, and things like that. We're down to $60 a month

$60 a month that you get to set aside to have savings. No going out to dinner, no subs to streaming services or your favorite video game or whatever, no accounting for pets or renters insurance or random expenses or your roommates eating your food or health insurance [since your jobs will likely fight you on providing it] or doctor visits or needing maintenance on your car or anything else

Working 40 hours a week with at least two jobs, often three, will leave you $60 a month to spend on non-bills if you share a one bedroom/one bathroom apartment with 2 people and the rent and utilities are paid equally between everyone and you have no surprise expenses

And people wonder why my generation and those younger have just given up on everything. This is the kind of shit that's happening to us and we get blamed for being lazy or not wanting to work but the reality is we know it doesn't matter; even if we do work we won't make enough and when we say we're struggling we'll still be called lazy when it's not our fault our government benefits too much from corporate greed to do anything meaningful about it. And why I'm just....tired. So, so tired.

[heymiaj]

Vegan Cheese Cause You Suppose Too??

It’s thanks giving and I just got done watching yet another inspirational YouTube video about becoming a full-time writer. For those that have followed me anywhere or known me personally, you know that one of my lifelong dreams is becoming the next Maya Angelou, Toni Morrison, Octavia Butler and most recently Issa Rae. Issa more than anything ! I remember when I first saw ABG (Awkward Black Girl ) for the new Issa fans on Youtube : 

I saw myself so much in that character and always thought that if me and this girl were to ever meet in person we would be best friends ! From there it opened me up to a whole new world of story telling. I found Black & Sexy TV ( no it is not a ebony porn site !) and fell in love with shows like The Number, Chef Julian and my favorite That Guy . I spent much of my college days trying to write a script loosely /tightly based on my shitty ass relationship at the time but for some reason it just never seemed to come out right . I eventually published my first book of poetry in 2016 and I’ve got to say , it was one of the greatest accomplishments of my life. 

For the first time ever I was able to call myself a published author and it was everything. A few more life events unfolded since then from having one of the worst mental breakdowns of all time to finally being diagnosed with major depression and anxiety. I felt like my whole world was over and I was somehow broken. Knowing what I know now there are a whole lot of people that deal with this shitty condition and probably take way more meds than I did at the time but my self worth was in the tank. I felt like the only way to make myself happy was to deal with the things that made me feel worthless : 

1. My weight 

2. Money ( or the lack their of ) 

3. Having to work a 9-5 in the first place when I knew I was destine to do something great that included me choosing my life and how my day goes. 

4. Simply just not being able to sustain myself off writing alone. 

I managed to be in the best shape of my life shortly after but I didn't have a job and I was still living with my mother so I figured lets put all out focus on #2. Well  it took 4 long years but I am finally in a place in where I don't have to think twice before I treat myself to a hamburger or a nice pair of boots at Aldo . I finally have my dream apartment in the city and I can finally pay my car note without risking not having a place to live. I’m not working a 9-5 in the traditional since of things but I still haven't managed to get a weekend off. I’m sure if I keep applying I can change that soon , right ? 

I know what your probably thinking why is she complaining and I get it , when you look at my list from all accounts it looks like I’ve crossed everything off my list but , I’m. Still. Not. Happy! Money is flowing but with more money comes responsibility ie:  rent, utilities, groceries ,amenities, I hate my job with every fiber of my being but ...those damn responsibilities. I’m still 15-20 pounds away from my ideal weight but a touch of body dysmorphia and delusion I’ve convinced myself that this vegan cheese was the answer but I could’t be more wrong.

As I quickly swiped my vegan make and cheese back into the garbage I grabbed my phone in search for the cheapest carry-out delivering on thanksgiving day. As I scrolled through the options on Uber eats , I was reminded of a word I assigned myself shortly after my move, Accountability. 

When I looked at all the things I was stressing over I had to ask myself what things need to be held and what things can be set aside or removed completely. 

THINGS WE GOTTA HOLD    vs.  THINGS WE CAN LET GO 

A Job.                                               School 

My Apartment                                   School 

My Car                                   and yes your guessed it ..School! 

 I’ve been pursuing a Masters Degree one class at a time since the end of 2021. Unfortunately as we come closer to the finish line I’ve come to the complete and utter realization that ...I could really give a fuck about a MBA. Between me working odd hours and trying to survive my daily job with out quitting is a task all in itself. These odd hours along with no weekends off had begun to take a toll on me. I was tired of doing the same old hustle and finding no peace or purpose in what I was doing and I need more. We all know my job at this point is something I can’t just let go, I have to be strategic when it comes to the source of my income and bearing through its torture is a must until something better comes around. Though its a drag I have to remind myself that I am able to have my dream space and a vehicle because of it however, when it comes to school I find myself asking every semester , do we need this ?”

Though I can’t deny that this degree will open a lot of doors for me once I achieve it am I willing to keep putting what little time I have for myself into it? At the moment the answer is no but who knows after this hiatus I may see the need again but at this moment I have to honor myself. 

They say go to school cause that’s what your suppose to do but like this vegan cheese I am being honest with myself in stating it’s not for me , and with that I free myself to go out and truly find what that is ! 

#thosedegrees #live #vegancheese #tv #writer 

[sunsetbois]

New Intimacy - Chapter 3 - Mr. Bright Side

No Warnings! :)

Y/N had a tough week, working long shifts and worrying about getting your laundry done. It was difficult not to just pass by the pile of clothes on your way to bed most nights, a pathetic kindness you allowed yourself when the exhaustion really did settle in. Tonight was not one of those nights that you could pass it by. You had an appointment with the doctor regarding a potential client you could surrogate for, and you were not going to show up in funky three day old clothes. Thankfully Lucy had managed to do half of your pile whilst you were away working and you were ,mentally reminding yourself to thank her the next time you saw her as you began the process of washing the other half. It was half 10 when you next checked your phone. The clothes were finished and needing to be out away as you fought off another yawn.

You didn't want to admit it but you were nervous about the whole process, not just nervous... but really thinking about this. You knew what the pregnancy would do to you realistically and you were more than aware of the risks that could occur, but every time you compared your life with the life you dreamed of, the growing disappointment festered. It didn't feel fair the amount of stress that ate at you perpetually just to cover rent, get groceries and pay bill’s never mind just live. It wasn't like Lucy was getting any call backs either... and it certainly wasn't like your manager would raise your pay anytime soon either.

But...

If you did go through with it, you could get your life started. Helping other people with growing their family also helped sway you. The money was the sole reason you had even considered it but imagining how much a person's life changed with a baby just felt good too. You had always been a people pleaser growing up and whilst you had to change some lengths you were willing to go after high school, it still felt like something you wanted to do.

Surprisingly your mailbox contained an invitation along with a profile for the consultation. A male in his mid twenties stuck out in the small bio photo above his name: Mr. Peter F. King. Your eyes were stuck to the screen as you read his file. It was a little strange that the company had formatted the profiles to include an about me section. Lying back in bed, you reached for your bottle of water and took a sip. You hummed as you came across his height, 6ft 9. “What?!” Your eyes widened and you laughed, “That’s going to be a big baby.”

You just had to remember not to say that when you arrived at the clinic. Thankfully you were able to get TK to cover for you for the three hours you needed, although you had to ignore the strange looks he gave you when you had told him why you needed it off. You knew TK was just trying to make sure this is what you wanted but you had already made your mind up.

The bus took you just a few minutes from the clinic and during the bumpy ride you were sure to flatten your jeans and smoothen your jacket as you checked the time yet again. You would be five minutes early, a whole five minutes and you couldn't help but try and prepare yourself for this. It just felt nerve wracking for you, more so when you approached reception and got told to go straight to Dr. Parino's office. Sure enough they were waiting for you, stopping as you opened the door gently. You took a deep breath and smiled, “Hello I'm Y/N, I was told to come to your office.”

The doctor smiled and beckoned you in to take a seat. The two had been sitting fairly close together until you arrived. The taller of the two gave you a friendly smile whilst his hands seemed to fidget in his lap. “And I'm sure you'd like to know Mr. King.” The doctor gestured towards the tall and thin man. His eyes were a spectacular blue and you smiled and introduced yourself. “It’s a pleasure to meet you Y/N.” To your surprise Mr King reached out to shake your hand with both of his. His hands were massive and they lingered just a touch too much before he was pulling away and letting the doctor go over the compatibility and agreements of course.

The paper forms sat on his desk with copies being passed around. So far the agreements had been reasonable and expected, but had to be agreed and signed upon. The guy you had agreed to was surprisingly very lax with amount of money he was willing give you. Mr. King had practically added 10% extra each month for you, sweetening the pot and sweetening your laxing nerves.

It would take some getting used to being around Mr. King for the next 9 months, but you had agreed to monthly doctor appointments with Mr. King eagerly voicing his wish to attend them. He seemed invested in not just the medical procedures but with your own well being too. It almost didn't feel like you were about to have a stranger's baby by the way he had talked through the session.

“Okay, sign here and here for me.” The doctor pointed out the sections and Mr. King passed you the copy he had just signed. His fingers bumped against yours as you took the pen from him and you felt a shock where the tips of your fingers had met. Even his handwriting was charming, with an eloquent flick of his signed name. It looked important and you wondered just what he did for a living, given how much he had agreed upon for payments. He was backed by a financial guarantee on his papers but it wouldn't give away his occupation.

Clicking the pen, you scanned the blank lines and hesitated just a moment before you wrote your name on the forms next to Mr. Kings.

“Perfect! I'll just take those.” The doctor reached out and gathered the forms and began making copies for the two of you to have.

Mr. King gave you a sheepish look as he asked his next question, “If you're not busy, do you want to stop by for a coffee? I know you must be nervous, I am too and I just thought we could break the ice?”

And it made sense.

You felt yourself relax further.

Soon after talking at a coffee shop, not far from the clinic, it felt like you were talking to a best friend. It turned out that you two had so much in common and Mr.King apparently felt so too, after asking you to call him by his first name. “No wait wait, perhaps you would want to call me something else?” There was a slight purr in his tone and you wrote it off as him being silly.

“No, no, I'd feel a bit weird calling you by anything but Peter at the moment.”

“Alright, alright,” Peter held his hands up in mock surrender but his gaze still held that glint of mischief and you couldn't quite tell if he was actually joking or not. It was no big deal in your eyes. Despite the invasive procedure you were about to undertake, and the overly friendly meeting, you reminded yourself that the man across the table was still a stranger after all. A stranger who was now looking at you watching him.

“Are we having a moment or what?” Peter asked, catching you off guard. A soft red hue spread across your cheeks as you caught yourself staring.

“No, no. It’s not like that! I just noticed how big that head of yours is.” You joked but you didn't think he bought it.

Peter smirked widely, giving a deep chuckle. Why did you have to notice how nice his voice was?

“Well you know what they say about big heads.”

Wait... was he flirting with you?

[btspenandpaper]

Wine Chat

This is another little snippet I started at work. It's an honest conversation between two friends over a glass or two of wine. This is a bit of emotional dump so be gentle on me.

@mochilatae @purgatorywriter

"I am being serious,” you poked Jimin's arm as you took another sip of your wine pretending to pout. Your stomach felt like it was about to burst. That last bite of burrito had been too much. "I am already 9 months pregnant after eating that thing. I don't even know how I have room for this wine." You couldn't stifle the giggle that slipped through your lips and neither could your best friend as he snorted in his wine. You both made eye contact and burst into a fit of laughter.

Today had absolutely been perfect. Life had been insane as of late. Work was ramping up, your home life had been strenuous at best, and you had jus needed to get away. When Jimin had recommended to hide away in the little mountain town a two-hour drive away from your house you had jumped at the opportunity. Jimin had rented a little condo for two days. You had got in his car early in the morning, he had even brought you a coffee, and swung your bag in his back seat. You had packed light. Your laptop for writing and your favorite pjs for comfy relaxing. 

The road out to the mountains had brought stress relief with every mile. The further you went from the city the closer you came to bliss. You had spent the day perusing the small main street, window shopping and talking. After a quick grocery shop and stop at the liquor store you had headed to the cozy condo that would work as well as home for the weekend.

Jimin had picked well. With high ceilings and a beautiful balcony that overlooked the mountains, the fresh mountain air was able to absorb into your body protecting you from the worries of the world.

Once you two had calmed down from your giggle fit you swirled your wine contemplatively in your glass. You sighed deeply, watching the red liquid move like a whirlpool in the long stemmed glass.

“Do you think he got the message?” You didn’t look at Jimin. You had both agreed that this would be a partner free zone, but the question had bubbled up before you had time to remember that. As wonderful as the day had been it couldn’t fully distract from the crumbling walls that were coming down at home.

For years you and your significant other had been relatively happy. You thought you had been anyway. Then one chink had appeared in your armor, and he hadn’t been there to fix it so you slapped a band aid on it, a partial solution to a full blown problem, and had tried to move forward. All of a sudden, you realized your armor was nothing more than linen and bandages and you needed help.

The alleged hard part was over. The fighting, the crying, the being honest, and crying some more. The leaving work early because you couldn’t handle being around people. You had learned you had to be selfish and ask for you want. Every single damn thing. It seemed like more work and it felt like more work but everyone you had talked to, including Jimin, said this is how your relationship would keep working.

Your trust in the people you loved kept you going. Realizing that your relationship wasn’t the fairy tale you had tried to convince yourself it was, was heartbreaking. Knowing that you weren’t on the same page at all with your partner was worse. Realizing you had lost yourself somewhere and you couldn’t even figure out the destination to go pick yourself back up, now that crossed a line. It was only thanks to your friends had you realized you had compromised yourself so much and had gone so far away from who you wanted to be.

“I don’t know,” Jimin replied after a deep smile. His eyes held kindness, but his words provided no comfort. You swallowed hard looking back at your wine.

“Fuck me Jimin, this is exhausting.” you breathed. This conflict felt like everything else in your relationship. For you to take care of. You weren’t sure you were making the right decision being with your partner anymore. Yet you kept fighting tooth and nail for the relationship that felt destined to fail. It was up to your partner to figure out how to piece you together now, through love and support, and you weren’t sure if he had to tools to do it properly. 

“I know hun,” Jimin reached his hand out across the two lounge chairs you were sitting on and held your hand, rubbing the thumb across the back of it. Small circles that made you feel supported and cared for. At least you had your friends and family, and they all seemed much more optimistic than you did at this point.  

“I don’t know what to do anymore,” it was the honest truth. Your problem solving, planner, organizer, structured self had completely let go of the reigns. There was no solution to this. Your partner was going to have to break down the wall they had created piece by piece. It didn't seem fair to test them. In your mind they were walking on egg shells with every action they did. But when your cats got more love and attention then you did things needed to change. 

“Its not up to you to do anything, they need to figure it out now.” Jimin’s words struck a nerve. You knew he was right and yet they were so frustrating to hear.

“So I am just supposed to sit here, not do anything, remind them of everything and hope they get the message? Pray they start paying attention to me?” you scoffed going to take a sip of wine. 

“Yes”

Jimin’s answer stopped time, stopped you mid sip of wine, and you felt yourself crumbling, your chest tightening and your head pounding. Shit. He was right. 

“But you know me Minnie, I cant just......”

“Let it go hun. Its up to them now to do the work. You’ve done your time.”

“But what if something happens and  they never learn.....”

“Then you know what to do.” 

You knew he was right. Your best friend who was always by your side. Who had seen you through all your ups and downs. He was right and you were terrified. Your whole world since you were 16 had encircled one person and now it couldn’t encircle that person anymore. But why did treating yourself with love and compassion seem so hard. After all you freely gave it out to others. But yourself, you didn’t know if you could love yourself. 

“You’ll be ok”. A tear started to fall down your cheek. “You are strong you will be ok.”

“Why is this so hard,” you almost begged the universe for an answer. You squeezed Jimin’s hand and put your wine down on the floor to wipe your eyes. 

“Because you care darling, because you care so much but you got to care about yourself first or else you will never truly be happy.” 

“You are right, I know you are right.” Jimin took your hand and gave a reassuring kiss on the back of it where the circles had been drawn. 

“Come here you,” he said getting up from his chair and wrapping you into a hug. You both stayed there for a long time not wanting to be the one to let go first. You buried your face in his shoulder and breathed in his soft amber, cinnamon scent. 

“Thank you Jimin, “ you said finally letting go of the hug and taking a deep breathe. A sense of calm was starting to float down on you and rest on your shoulders. You would be ok because you weren’t alone. 

[sugarless-suki-writes]

First Lines Meme

Tagged by @nikkxb -- sorry it's taken me so long to get to this, lmao

Rules: List the first lines of your last 20 stories (if you have less than 20, just list them all!)

See if there are any patterns.

Choose your favorite opening lines.

Then tag 10 authors!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I just kinda went to my recents on my google docs, so this is gonna have a mix of stuff, some original stuff too. ye :3 but I'm starting with fics that I currently have posted online. All of them are the first paragraph of the update that's in progress

Favorites have bolded and italicized titles :3

1. Sobriety || KouKag

Kagome had three sessions of therapy so far and she wasn’t fully sure how to feel. She knew it was helping her, but she was left feeling so.... raw and open after every session that she felt like she was just back pedaling and it was hard to cope with. A part of her wanted to just stop altogether and go back to self medicating, but she knew that this was just part of the process. The first couple sessions were going to be hard because there was just so much to unpack, but her therapist was nice and calm and patient with her. She really had to thank Kouga again when she saw him later today.

2. 100 Arms, 100 Years || KouKag

This was the fifth day that an offering had been left in front of Kagome’s door for her. The fifth time she would receive the carcass of a large animal that she wouldn’t accept. The fifth time that Inuyasha found himself in front of her and Kikyō’s shared hut and bringing the carcass to the village for her. His fifth time taking the credit for a hunt he had no part in. He had to admit, this was quickly grating on his nerves. He hated the attention that he was getting from the villagers now. They praised him for shit that he didn’t do. That, and he didn’t want to be praised for anything. It was bad enough that he practically had the Sacred Jewel within his grasp and wasn’t able to use it to become a full-fledged youkai, but now he was being celebrated as a hero by some mere humans? Keh... they’re lucky I don’t tell them what this is all actually about. I bet they wouldn’t be so happy then. He sniffed and scratched at his nose. He talked a big game, but Inuyasha knew deep down that he would never do anything to hurt them. If he did that, that would in turn hurt Kikyō and he couldn’t do that to her.

3. Big God || KouKag

Kagome let out a frustrated huff as she shoved her phone into her pocket. She then plopped down onto the couch, tucking her legs up underneath her and curling into Kouga’s side. “That’s the fourth test we’ve ran, and we just... can’t figure out what the hell that stuff is... It’s so frustrating!” she grumbled.

4. You are the Moon || KouKag

Kagome took care of dinner that night, going out to pick up a few things she would need before returning home and cooking. Her mother tried to talk her out of it, but Kagome insisted, wanting to give her mother a break for the night and do something nice for the family. She missed them, and she wanted to make up for being gone for so long.

5. The Demon of Nabewari Yama || KouKag

Kagome let out a small huff as she looked up at the mountain she was heading towards. She had been traveling for several days, bordering a week now, looking for somewhere to settle. However, all the villages she had come across already had a miko or monk residing there, and if they didn’t, they didn’t want one. To be fair, there weren’t many villages she had come across between her hometown and here, and sure, maybe she should go further out after completing her training, but it was still just a little frustrating.

6. Seasons of Love || ZelGan

Zelda looked herself over in the mirror, and the corners of her lips pulled down into a small frown. Her hair was pulled up into an extravagant updo, several locks braided and pulled into the bun that rested on the back of her head. There were some flowers pinned in as well, all of them white in color. She would have preferred something with a pop of color, so they would stand out against her hair; but she figured that, in the end, everything had to match her dress.

7. Gerudotown || ZelGan -- Title may change for this, idk lmao

Ganondorf let out a grunt as he dismounted from his horse. The beast was large with a jet-black coat and a matching mane. He gave the steed a pat on his neck before handing the reins to a stable boy, holding back a chuckle from the look on the boy’s face. He was certain the child had never seen a beast so big, nor a Gerudo, based on how he was looking up at Ganondorf with wide, disbelieving eyes.

8. Shit, Let's be Pirates || DaveJade

Jade ran down the dirt path leading to a hidden beach. She had just gotten out of class and was eager to go down to the coves. She wanted to find some cool shells and snap a couple pictures for her biology class. She always went above and beyond in that class, but she just had a passion for marine life.

9. Changing Fate || ZelGan

“You can’t possibly be serious about this, father!” Zelda snapped indignantly. Her hands were balled into fists at her sides and her face was contorted in rage. King Rimoll let out a sigh and pinched the bridge of his nose. They had been at this “conversation” for what felt like hours. He didn’t expect it to go this badly. Of course, he didn’t expect it to go well in the first place, but this was beyond what he anticipated.

10. Moon Bonds || KouKag

All Hallow’s Eve. A powerful night for witches and magick users alike. A night that better helped connect them to the spirits of the earth and those who had been lost. It was a night that Kagome looked forward to every year. The surge of magick that tingled under her skin and filled her very being... by the goddess it was an amazing feeling. And this year would be even more delightful and powerful.

11. Princess and the Pirate || Amuto

Growing up, Amu had been told many stories about pirates, everyone on her small island had. But Amu felt as if she had heard more than most. Her mother would tell her tales before bed about the pirates on a ship called the Emerald Line. Despite the name of the ship, its hull and sails were completely black. The only speck of color was the pirate flag it flew, which was emerald green and depicted a cat head with crossbones beneath. It was also known to be the fastest ship to sail the seas.

12. The Black Card || KouKag

Kagome paced around her room in her tiny apartment, struggling with picking out an outfit. It was her first day off in a while and she wanted to look cute, seeing as she wouldn’t be restricted by her, somewhat lenient (semi-strict?), dress code at the bookstore. However, she also wanted to be comfortable, so she was at a bit of an impasse. It wasn’t really as big a deal as she was making it out to be, but she was exhausted and she hoped that dressing nice would throw Sango off her trail. With a huff, she finally settled on a nice sundress she had stuffed in the back of her closet, one she rarely wore and almost forgot she had. It was light blue in color with a floral print.

13. Harvest Moon || KouKag

Kagome stretched as she woke up that morning. She opened her eyes and saw the torn-up ceiling and frowned to herself ever so slightly. She had moved into the country several days ago and had only recently started working on repairs that her home needed. It was a pretty large house, but the rent was extremely cheap. The only downside was she had to pay for the repairs, but in all honesty… she wasn’t too bothered by it. Apparently the house had been abandoned for years. No one was really sure how long... but Kagome could take a guess that it had been at least a decade with how worn down and dirty things were.

14. Memories || Original Fic - No Pairing

Lotus looked around at the scene before her. It would be an easy job, simple. She could do it in her sleep no problem. She scoffed and looked at the man beside her. “Really? You need me for this?” she asked. He turned to look at her, a scowl on his face.

15. Any Way the Wind Blows || ZelGan

Zelda woke up to the sun on her face. She grumbled and grunted, rolling over onto her side on her small mat. She opened her eyes and looked out ahead of her, at the grass and flowers swaying in the breeze. Her stomach gurgled and she placed a hand on it, a grimace on her lips. Food...

16. Found || KouKag

When Kouga had heard that there was a disturbance along one of their borders, he had been prepared for anything. He pulled together a team quickly, not taking all the strongest warriors, making sure to leave some behind to protect his pack. They ran off, ready to fight. Ready for anything. Anything except this.

17. Interlude IV (Showtime) || KouKag

O Signore, per amor del tuo nome, perdonami la mia iniquità... Perciocche ellà e grande Kagome sat there in the street, blood seeping through her clothes and soaking her knees. Tears continued to stream down her cheeks in a never ending flow. Her breath kept catching in the back of her throat as she tried to force down her sobs. Her hands were curled up into fists, pressed against the pavement, soaked in blood and in pain from being clenched so tightly and pressed so firm against the rough asphalt. Regret, despair, and guilt crushed her heart. They squeezed tight, holding onto her and keeping her trapped in the moment. A moment she’d rather drink away and forget, only for her guilty conscious to bring it back in her dreams at night, keeping her away from the blissfulness of sleep.

18. Bubblegum & Nicotine || Original Fic -- Astrid/Loki

Astrid opened the door to the apartment and latched her keys onto her belt loop. She then bent over to pick up the bags of groceries she had set on the ground to unlock the front door. Once she had crossed the threshold into the house, she raised up her right leg and kicked the door closed behind her. With a bit of a grunt, she hoisted the bags up a tad higher and made her way to the kitchen. She set them down on the counter with a thud and took a moment to catch her breath. She may be in good shape, but carrying several pounds of groceries up three flights of stairs because the elevator was out? That would wind anyone.

19. We Are Complicated || Bubbline

Bonnibel Kaugummi entered the school and was quick to drop her things off in her locker so she could head straight to the Student Council room. She grabbed a couple of her books out of the locker and shoved them into her messenger bag. The tan colored bag complimented her uniform, which consisted of a grey sweater, a red ribbon tied into a neat bow, which was neatly tucked underneath the collar of her white button up shirt underneath her sweater, and a red plaid skirt. The red accents to her uniform identified her as a Junior, and they complimented her red-orange hair and rosy complexion.

20. The End of All Things || KouKag

Kagome let out a soft sigh as she curled up in her spot on the bench, bringing her legs up to her chest. She was sitting out on the small deck that overlooked the garden in her backyard and watching the rain. It was fairly cool out thanks to the constant drizzle that had begun early that morning. The sound of it pattering against the ground and roof that extended over the deck filled her with a sense of calm, a calm that she desperately needed right about now. Working as a nurse wore her out. She loved her job, of course, but gods if it didn’t have its trials and tribulations. She had been working almost every day for a solid two weeks now, covering shifts for people on top of her own. Thankfully she had a couple of her shifts taken from her after being at the hospital for a full 24 hours at one point in time. Today just so happened to be her natural day off, and she felt pretty great about it.

[musicanddancingthroughlife]

Shklance - Courting

I worked hard on this one, guys. Hope you like it; I think it’s one of my favorites :)

Pretty sure next week I will be posting an MCU story, because I have a finished one in my files and it’s midterm season so I’ve really not had a ton of brains left to write haha. I do still have one that I’m working on, and then I think I actually finally figured out what I want to continued my necromancer!Lance story, so hopefully I can work on that this week and have it ready to go soon. But really, this is me apologizing cause I’m really not sure how much new stuff I’ll get written, but midterms should end this week :)

--------------------------------------------

           Really, in hindsight, they supposed it was kind of obvious. All it took was a few study dates with Lance, the last of these ending with Lance realizing he was late for work and rushing out of their apartment, so distracted he didn’t even realize that he’d hugged Shiro (who had just returned from fetching him a glass of water) and kissed Keith on the cheek on his way out, leaving both of them standing there staring at him like idiots.

Shiro recovered first and glanced quickly at Keith to see if he’d noticed. He chuckled at the look on his boyfriend’s face. “You know you’re smitten, right?”

           “Oh ya, like you’re not?” Keith shot back. Shiro sighed.

           “I never said I wasn’t, Keith, would you relax? I was just making an observation.”            “Just making an observation, my ass,” Keith muttered mutinously. There was a pause, and then Keith relented. “What are we gonna do?”

           “We court him.”

           Despite the tension in the room, Keith found himself bursting into laughter at that. “Court him?” he sputtered, “What the hell century are you living in, Shiro?”

           “Oh shut up!” Shiro snapped, his cheeks and the bridge of his nose flushing a deep red. “He deserves to be treated well!”            “Well that, at least, I can agree with.” Keith finally managed to calm himself down, and then he moved toward Shiro. “What about us?”

           Shiro looked down at him blankly. “What about us? I know for a fact you don’t want to be wooed, and I don’t need to be courted, plus we’re already dating.”

           Keith stared at him. “But what if he—”

           “Keith,” Shiro broke in, now chuckling himself, “we’re courting him together, you got that, right? It’s both of us or neither of us, ya moron.”

           “…Oh. I didn’t… didn’t know that was a thing.”

           Shiro gave him a bright smile and pulled Keith into a hug. “That’s okay, but I think we’ve got something to teach you about polyamorous relationships before we even try to court Lance, don’t you think?”

           “Fine. But after that…”

           “Yeah. After that, we make our move on Lance. Promise.”

             It took some time, but soon enough Keith had been educated on the how’s of polyamorous relationships, and they had worked out a game plan to get Lance’s attention. It was a simple plan: Lance had mentioned wishing he had the time to relax that weekend. They knew he had several tests over the course of a few days, and that he had been working more hours than usual that month, in the hopes of saving enough money for tickets back home during their upcoming break. The problem was, Lance hadn’t had a chance to clean his apartment, and so was planning to use his weekend to catch up on those things. But Keith had pointed out how much Lance’s work seemed to be suffering during their study sessions, his normally correct work somehow coming out wrong 9 times out of 10, and his beautiful penmanship nothing more than chicken scratch. Shiro had responded by sharing that Lance had looked especially tired the last couple of days especially, his normally soft and shiny hair greasier than they’d ever seen, and dark shadows under his eyes.

           So that productive weekend he was expecting (but they knew he was also dreading)? Not happening. They would take care of it for him, and then make sure he got the relaxing weekend he was so desperately craving (even if he wouldn’t say that he was).

           Now, neither of them were entirely sure how they were going to get into Lance’s apartment, but Keith was confident he would be able to manage fairly easily.

           Unfortunately, Shiro was a jerk and also a fun-sucker, and he wouldn’t let Keith break into Lance’s apartment (even after promising that he “wouldn’t damage anything and would be super, super careful, c’mon, Shiroooo!”), so they wound up going to their local Lance expert.

           “Um, no offense, cause I love you guys and you’re both absolutely my friends, but like. Why do you need a key to Lance’s apartment?”

           It may have looked like Hunk was including both of them in his question, but Keith knew, okay he just knew that Hunk was eyeing him suspiciously. He huffed. He’d only dumped chocolate sauce on Lance the one time, and it had been a complete accident. It’s not like he spent all his free time trying to figure out how to make Lance’s life miserable! He was too busy dreaming of hugging him, and kissing him, and bringing him food and gifts… Oops. He’d zoned out again.

           “…trying to help him, I promise, Hunk. He just seems like he’s under a lot of stress, and we want to try and take care of some of it for him,” Shiro was saying.

           Hunk bit his lip, a flash of something in his eyes. Keith was curious, but before he could say anything, Hunk had set his jaw, determination in every single one of his features. “Don’t worry about a key, you guys will manage.”

           At that, Shiro and Keith exchanged confused looks, but before Shiro could ask, Hunk was already marching away. There was a moment of silence, and then…

           “Cool, I still get to break in!” Keith cheered.

           Shiro sighed.

           Okay, so yeah, Keith had figured breaking in would be easy… but not that easy.

           “What the hell?!” Keith stared at Shiro’s hand in shock, still resting on the knob of the completely unlocked door to Lance’s apartment. “What is he doing; that’s not safe at all!”

           Shiro was inspecting the door frame and the knob, and after some fiddling he said, “I think the lock is busted.”

           “…What?”

           “He didn’t do it on purpose, Keith,” Shiro said, moving further into the apartment and looking around curiously. His heart sunk as he took in their precious boy’s living space. “Damn he’s been struggling a lot more than he let on.”

           Keith followed, and he was sad to see that Shiro was right. The kitchen was bare, a small number of dishes stacked in the sink, and none remaining in the cupboards. Keith left Shiro inspecting the kitchen to go take a look at the bedrooms. In one, most of the walls and shelves were bare of any personalization, although there were some pictures of their friend group and some of Lance’s family and childhood friends slapped up haphazardly near the bed. The bed itself was perfectly made and even slightly dusty, as if Lance didn’t sleep there often. The other bedroom was even more empty than this one, and how long had Lance been without a roommate?

           Keith wandered back towards the kitchen. “Shiro… how many hours did Lance say he was working, again?”

           “…30…”

           “And how much do these apartments cost?”

           Shiro crossed his arms. “More than he’s making with just his shop at the coffee shop. Unless he has a roommate.”

           Keith gestured back down the hall at the bedrooms. “Well you can rule out the roommate.”

           “…well, shit. No wonder he’s so tired all the time.”

Keith huffed. “What are we gonna do, Shiro? We can’t let him keep doing this to himself!”

           Shiro’s face was twisted into a grimace, eyes lost in thought. Then he sighed, letting his arms fall to his sides, body loosening its tense stance. “Let’s just… Let’s do what we came to do, and we’ll talk to him when he comes home. Maybe call Hunk and talk to him first. But, I promise, Keith, we’ll figure out a way to help him. Maybe see if he wants to move in with us, since we’re off campus and have a little more room. We’ll figure it out.”

           Keith nodded, relief shining in his eyes as Shiro took charge, easily directing their cleaning efforts as they bounced ideas off of each other. Keith was a big fan of having Lance move in; all they would need was a bigger bed! Shiro had shook his head and laughed, a counteroffer at the ready.

           “Keith, we can’t rush this. Lance is a proud guy; he may not want to move in with us right off the bat.”

           “But—”

           “Oh, we’re definitely going to offer it to him. You and I usually share a room anyway, and he can have the second bedroom. But he might prefer to stay here and have some independence. Then maybe we could offer to help pay the second half of his rent. Or even just sneak some groceries into his apartment. Just keep an open mind, okay?”

           Keith was quiet for so long that Shiro was afraid he’d upset him somehow, so he abandoned his current task of organizing all the homework and textbooks that had been scattered around the floor of the living room area (glaring at the blanket and pillow on the couch, because he was pretty sure those meant that Lance had been sleeping on the couch more than his own bed and that was a horrible thought).

           “Keith?” he called.

           When he was met with more silence, his worry only grew, until he turned the tight corner and found Keith sitting on his butt in front of some cabinets. Keith looked up at him, tears in his eyes and all but wailed at Shiro, “He doesn’t even have any food in here!”

           Shiro closed his eyes and forced himself to take a deep breath.

           Yeah, they were going to be having words with their boy, this was just unacceptable.

[jojonotareference]

I just woke up, it’s 9pm. You’re on my mind.

Thoughts:

“I had it made” keeps circling through my head. All I had to do was take care of the house, I was a housewife but it was too much for me to be alone. I was too scared to cook because of the smoke alarm, I was getting super ill and almost fainting from doing dishes. I was a sad excuse for a housewife.

I did do most (I guess not all but darn close) of what I could do. I tidied up every evening before you came home, I did your laundry pretty consistently and folded it all. And Roy didn’t count but I always took care of his stuff and swept his area pretty much daily. I washed down the bathroom floors and the kitchen stove and counters. I didn’t do nothing and I know that.

But I couldn’t drive to the store to get groceries, I didn’t have dinner on the stove for you when you got home and I painfully had to watch you cook me dinner and shamefully ask you do dishes even though you spent all day working in a kitchen on your feet and just finished working as a dishwasher for a year before with 9-11 hour shifts.

I always tried to be grateful, always. I think I was pretty good and saying thank you and really appreciating what you did on the daily for me. I know I would say thank you regardless, even if it was just a on time thing. But I had such a heavy blanket of guilt on that I felt so so so bad when you made me food or did dishes. I was not okay. Physically I should be able to do those things, mentally I should be able to do those things. They’re things that nobody wants to do and that wasn’t my case. The guilt of not being able to do it was so heavy and I’ll always feel bad.

Tonight I try to comfort myself but I am careful of how I word my comfort to not sound like I’m making excuses. I know the truth, I know it wasn’t out of laziness, I know it wasn’t a case of “I just don’t want to do it”, I know this because of the shame I held everyday back then and now, and because these things I still can’t do.

Tonight to myself I say this for comfort:

Every man I have ever been with (maybe possibly with the exclusion of K but even he probably would have been fine with it) would have been okay with me staying at home. I felt like it was such a great favour or something Ant was giving me and that alone made me feel so bad. But why? We split everything. I paid my half of rent, internet, food, etc... and for unforeseen expenses I’m the one that paid. He paid for the cabs, that’s one thing I can give to him but I never had two on my card and I was scared of what I was supposed to press. It was always awkward and I would fuck it up and they would have to reset. Cabs I transferred him and throw it on top of groceries but there were lots of times I didn’t.

I just need to remind myself many men would let me stay home. Yeah I should’ve done more but where I was in my head I genuinely couldn’t. I was out of breath some days and feeling sick just doing what I did. Him letting me stay at home wasn’t a big thing because he didn’t pay for me, I had money and I used it. I do wish I could’ve done more but I couldn’t, I really really couldn’t and I would still struggle now and don’t really know if I could now either but that’s the goal. I just wanted to be able to do it all and be his housewife. I wanted to just spend time with him and love him and he love me and that was it. I didn’t want him to have to work his ass of every week and be exhausted when he got home and I especially didn’t want him to be taking care of me when he should be relaxing. I can feel guilty for him cooking and doing dishes, but I can’t feel guilty for being home while he’s at work. I didn’t do nothing, and more importantly I am disabled and was going through the worst time of my life. My disabilities never just stopped or when away, they were consistent, they were debilitating, and they were embarrassing.

I was disabled, I am disabled and I always will be. I cried then because this was and always will be the case. I can’t feel shameful for something I couldn’t help at the time. I should’ve went to the doctor, but even at that time I couldn’t commit to it. What hurts the most is knowing I had one chance left and I blew it. I remember it, I remember crying over I because I knew I was pushing him away and that this was likely it. I ruined it, I had one chance.

I’ll love him forever, I will hold this pain forever, but I will try to get better and be the person I should’ve been then.

Miss you beef, I love you, please don’t forget that.

[seven-oomen]

DILF club for the ultimate ship meme?

Consider I got two DILF club requests for this meme, I’ll do The way I tend to be Universe for this one, since it’s the more canon universe. (More canon than OUAT anyway.)

Send in two (or more) names and I’ll fill all this out about the ship!

General:

Rate the Ship -   Awful | Ew | No pics pls | I’m not comfortable | Alright | I like it! | Got Pics? | Let’s do it! | Why is this not getting more attention?! | The OT3 to rule all other OT3s

How long will they last? For as long as they can stand one another I’d imagine.

How quickly did/will they fall in love? I think very slowly, it’s a slow descend into love for all of them. More one of those, we’ve been sleeping together, fucking each other, and spending time with each other for months now, and oh shit, I think I might love you both... 

How was their first kiss? Passionate, heated, and in the middle of fucking each other to keep warm.

Wedding:

Who proposed? I like to think the three of them all had something planned on the same night and looped their prospective kids into their proposal, but didn’t clue the other kids or their partners in. And only when the kids talk to one another do they discover that all three of their dads are trying to propose to each other. So naturally, the kids band together and ‘ruin’ their fathers’ proposals but only because they have one giant one planned at lookout point where they get all three men together and reveal the jig. Naturally, all three of them accept.

Who is the best man/men? Derek is the best man, Melissa is their best ma’am. 

Who are the groom’s maid(s)/men? Malia, Jackson, Allison, Isaac, Stiles, and Mike are the groom’s maids/men. Liam is the ring bearer. Cora is their flower girl. Jordan is holding the little ones.

Who did the most planning? Peter did, he choose all the fashion, the venue, paid for the wedding, got the caterer and the florist. (though Chris tried to pay for things as did Noah, but Peter wouldn’t have it. They bought the rings and Peter’s suit for him as ‘retaliation’.)

Who stressed the most? Noah is the most nervous. The last time he walked down the aisle was over 30 years ago. What if he forgets his lines? Is this the right call? Is he doing right by his sons? By his daughter? Did he forget his ring? Oh god, what if the others realize what a fuck up he is?

How fancy was the ceremony? - Back of a pickup truck | 2 | 3 | 4 | Normal Church Wedding | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | Kate and William wish they were this big. (They rented a place, invited closest friends and family but kept it on the down-low.)

Who was specifically not invited to the wedding? Kate, Gerard, Elias.

Sex:

Who is on top? They switch, all of them like to top and bottom and they’re not picky on who gets to be on top/bottom. Things just happen.

Who is the one to instigate things? Usually Peter, but Chris or Noah (especially when they team up) can be real degenerates as well.

How healthy is their sex life? - Barely touch themselves let alone each other | 2 | 3 | 4 | Once a couple weeks, nothing overboard | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | They are humping each other on the couch right now (They’re not shy about their sex life and very much enjoy each other’s bodies and closeness. It’s a great way for them to strengthen their relationship.)

How kinky are they? - Straight missionary with the lights off | 2 | 3 | 4 | Might try some butt stuff and toys | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | Don’t go into the sex dungeon without a horse’s head (They’re into toys, bondage, breeding kinks, biting/marking, dom/sub play, public sex, and some other milder kinks, nothing too crazy but also not too vanilla.)

How long do they normally last? Depends, if they’re fired up and excited they might not last long, 5-10 min, but if they go slow and steady they might also last for 20-30 min.

Do they make sure each person gets an equal amount of orgasms? They try to, usually, Chris has a few more than the other two, but that’s more due to Noah’s age (once he comes he can’t it up for a while. He may still be fit, but he’s not superhuman like Peter.) and Peter’s sensory overload after an orgasm. Chris is the only one of the three that can quickly come multiple times

How rough are they in bed? - Softer than a butterfly on the back of a bunny | 2 | 3 | 4 | The bed’s shaking and squeaking every time | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | Their dirty talk is so vulgar it’d make Dwayne Johnson blush. Also, the wall’s so weak it could collapse the next time they do it. (It really depends on their mood)

How much cuddling/snuggling do they do? - No touching after sex | 2 | 3 | 4 | A little spooning at night, or on the couch, but not in public | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | They snuggle and kiss more often than a teen couple on their fifth date to a pillow factory.

Children:

How many children will they have naturally? Between the three of them? Peter has two (Malia with Corinne, Jackson with Margaret (Betty)) Noah has three (Identical twins Stiles and Mike;  Mieczyslaw &  Michał and Liam; Milian), Chris has one (Allison). So they have 6 children already, Chris gets pregnant with twins after their night in the cabin. That would put the tally at 8.

How many children will they adopt? Chris adopted Isaac officially in this universe. Erica and Boyd are more or less adopted as well as Danny.

Who gets stuck with the most diapers? Peter, and he doesn’t mind it one bit. He didn’t get to change any diapers for Jackson or Malia. And since Chris carried the twins and gave birth it only seems fair he gets stuck with diaper duty. Noah and Chris teach him the ropes. He gets surprisingly good at juggling two babies, a diaper bag, and a set of keys/other items while keeping everything under control.

Who is the stricter parent? Chris. Noah tries but is too soft most of the time or too chaotic, and Peter just can’t say no once one of the kids pulls puppy eyes. 

Who stops the kid(s) from doing dangerous stunts after school? Chris is best at stopping them, Noah tries to but due to his job can’t always keep an eye on them. Peter comes with them to let them explore but safely. He protects them while they do stupid shit.

Who remembers to pack the lunch(es)? Chris. He’s got the whole routine down to pat and is a streamlined machine in the mornings. Noah still can’t wrap his head around it. Peter’s still not used to having the kids with him 24/7 since both of his were adopted by other people, so he’s still learning the whole stick.

Who is the more loved parent? They love them all equally. Noah is the parent they go to when they need to talk about their feelings or need hugs, Chris is the parent they go to for advice and cuddling, and Peter is the fun parent who they go to when someone is bothering them. Peter also comes up with the best revenge schemes.

Who is more likely to attend the PTA meetings? Peter, he loves to hear how his kids are doing in school and doesn’t mind to absolutely obliterate their teachers if he knows a teacher is picking on his kids. He lives for shit like this as the rich house husband to his two working husbands. Also, the opportunity to brag to Karen about the kids is too good an opportunity to pass up.

Who cried the most at graduation? Noah, he’s just so proud of his boys up there.

Who is more likely to bail the child(ren) out of trouble with the law? Let’s face it, it’s Noah. He technically has to make sure that the law is upheld, but when it comes to his own kids, he’s not above giving them a pass. Though he’s more lenient towards kids in general. But yeah, Noah will most likely try and bail his kids out. Peter would let them steam for a few hours in a “You got caught, you deal with it.” Kinda way and then bail them out after a few hours. Chris would let them steam for a bit too and then determine how big the offense was before bailing them out.

Cooking:

Who does the most cooking? Chris, he’s the most practiced and most efficient. Though Noah loves to cook Polish food and bread. Peter does it when both of his mates have to work or are too tired to cook. He’s getting better at it.

Who is the most picky in their food choice? Peter. Werewolf senses mean he has a fussy pallette. He hates most vegetables for one. Though he has competition in Jackson, the little shit is a regular Gordon Ramsey.

Who does the grocery shopping? Peter, since Noah and Chris, tend to work during the day and he’s more of a stay-at-home house husband and dad. Chris gives him the lists. That doesn’t stop him from sneaking in snacks and candy for himself, Noah, and the kids. If possible, Chris likes to do the grocery shopping so there are no secret snacks.

How often do they bake desserts? At least once a week. Whether it’s for bake sales, PTO meetings, birthdays, weekends, a tryout, there’s always a baked good on the kitchen counter.

Are they more of a meat-lover or a salad eater? Peter and Noah are more Meat lovers. Chris is a mix between the two. He likes salads and meat but doesn’t have a preference over either. Unlike the other two.

Who is more likely to surprise the other(s) with an anniversary dinner? Peter, he takes them out to a grill restaurant. It doesn’t have to be fancy, but the quality has to be outstanding. They get their older kids to babysit and let them order anything they want as a reward.

Who is more likely to suggest going out? Once again, Peter, I feel like Noah or Chris would be more likely to be home dwellers and Peter’s the one that takes them to bars, musicals, restaurants, malls, etc.

Who is more likely to burn the house down accidentally while cooking? Noah, he’s not a bad cook, but he gets distracted by everything else and forgets he has pots/pans on the furnace.

Chores:

Who cleans the room? Chris or Peter. Noah tends to leave things everywhere and though he tries his best to clean up, the other two usually beat him to it.

Who is really against chores? Noah forgets to do them sometimes, but I feel like none of them is actually against them. Peter doesn’t like to do them but he likes a clean house, so.

Who cleans up after the pets? They have eight kids, a bunch of werewolves, a banshee, a kitsune, a hellhound, a Seelie, and god knows what else running around on the full moon. You think they have room for a pet???

Who is more likely to sweep everything under the rug? If we’re talking a literal rug, it’s Noah. Out of sight, out of mind. He also tends to stuff clutter in random drawers or closets.

Who stresses the most when guests are coming over? Chris. It’s his training and a bit of an OCD thing. “No, you don't get it Noah my love, EVERYTHING has to be spotless...” Cue Chris running around with a vacuum cleaner and a mop. “It’s just Melissa & Derek for wine night...”

Who found a dollar between the couch cushions while cleaning? Chris, and he puts them in the fun jar that they use to reward the kids. Once the jar is full, they go shopping or do another fun activity with the kids. Bad behavior/swearing gets money removed from the jar and into the dad jar. That money is used to give Chris/Peter/Noah an extra outing if the kids were particularly difficult.

Misc:

Who takes the longer showers/baths? Noah is a slut for long showers/baths. It’s his moment of relaxation.

Who takes the dog out for a walk? Noah occasionally walks Peter in his wolf form. At some point, people think Peter is a K9 unit, and Noah rolls with it. Which opens up opportunities for Peter to stay with Noah at work.

How often do they decorate the room/house for the holidays? Every year they decorate for Christmas, Thanksgiving, and Halloween.

What are their goals for the relationship? To love and support one another through anything and to keep a fun and raging sex life well into old age. But mostly to love and cherish one another and build each other up just the way they are.

Who is most likely to sleep till noon? Chris if you let him, training and habit have him up early, but his natural sleep cycle is to sleep like a log and to Noon.

Who plays the most pranks? Noah, he’s a mischievous little shit that loves to pull pranks on people and very sassy to boot. Where do you think Stiles, Mike, and Liam have that from?

[casualmaraudering]

after 2342394 years we have a second chapter

***

The bedroom is pitch black when Sirius wakes up. And right from the moment he opens his eyes, he feels like death.

His throat is dry and sore - as if he’s caught a nasty cold or spent the past two days drinking - and his eyes feel heavy and wet. He’s sweaty, there’s a rather painful squeeze to his stomach, and his head is pounding.

None of it comes as a surprise, really. He always feels like shit whenever his body decides to catch up on sleep - it’s funny, almost. When he doesn’t sleep at all - he feels awful. And then when he sleeps for more than absolutely necessary - he ends up just as bad, if not worse. A lose-lose situation, his sleeping habits.

There’s a moment of hesitation before he reluctantly reaches for his phone.

4.52AM

Undoubtedly, the worst part about his body catching up after bad episodes is how it fucks up his mood. The wrecking guilt for waisting 14 goddamn hours is already set heavy in his stomach. He’s wasted the whole evening - and in his current situation, he can’t fucking afford to do that. He could’ve gone shopping - there’s barely any food in the fridge - or done his schoolwork, or even just spend time with his brother.

And God, thinking about Regulus always manages to make Sirius feels even worse.

Cause he’s supposed to be better than the goddamn fuckup he currently is. He should be able to set a good example. But he can’t. Hell, he feels that Regulus is the one taking care of him more often than the other way around.

Sometimes, Sirius wonders whether he should’ve left Reg at Grimmauld. To live a privileged, rich life they were so used to, with cooks and maids and no worry in the world on his head. They’ve always liked Regulus better anyway - it’s Sirius who’s always been the rebel, the improper one, the hated one. The queer one, though that came a bit later (and it’s not like Sirius ever told anyone. That would’ve gotten him thrown out, and he couldn’t let that happen - he needed to leave on his own terms, with Regulus in tow). Maybe they never would’ve hit Regulus? He knows how to behave, after all.

Yet Sirius couldn’t bring himself to chance it. He can’t stomach the thought of his little brother alone in that godforsaken place. Even if Sirius fucks up at being an adult, at least he can assure Regulus grows up loved and without anyone ever raising their hand on him. It’s all he can do for now.

But, while Sirius would love to stay in bed for the rest of the day - or possibly the rest of time - and sink deeper into the pit of despair he’s fallen into, he can’t. Not when he’s got work at 8 and so many things to do before that. The disgusting mood will stay, just like it always does, but Sirius can just lie his way through the mental disarray he’s got going on. He might be a fuck up, but he’s a fuck up responsible for a human being that needs tending to. If it weren’t for Regulus, well… Sirius probably wouldn’t make it as far as today.

So, with a bit of difficulty, he gets up. Right away he gets overwhelmingly dizzy, and his stomach churns with discomfort. He groans in annoyance and sways towards the bathroom. What a way to start the day indeed.

After throwing up (and dry heaving for a bit, because he hasn’t eaten in a good while, so there’s not really much to vomit with), Sirius follows his usual routine of loo-teeth-shower-hair drying. It makes him feel a bit better, at least. He throws the clothes he fell asleep in into the hamper (he needs to do the laundry sometime today, he notes) and trots to his bedroom to look for something to wear.

He checks his phone while squeezing himself into his jeans (not as tight as he’d usually go for - he wants to be able to move comfortably at work) and finds he has several messages.

There’s a few from James - nothing important, either random things he did throughout the day or memes. One from Lily, telling him there’s Chinese in the fridge for when he wakes up and that if he tries to slip her the money for it, she’ll slit his throat (typical, but Sirius will find a way to pay her back anyway).

And then, there’s one that actually makes Sirius smile.

From: Remus

6.21PM

Hope you dream about something nice tonight.

Sirius wished he didn’t remember all the extremely embarrassing things he had said to Remus yesterday - declaring love after knowing the man for five minutes being icing on the cake - but they’re stuck in his memory, ready to taunt him tonight when he inevitably won’t be able to sleep. Though, seeing as Remus did send him a text, maybe not all is lost?

To: Remus

5.20AM

I had the nicest dream. Guess who was in it ;)

There’s no harm in hoping, at least.

****

After getting breakfast (and praising Lily for thoughtfulness, because of course, the fridge is empty), Sirius goes through as many chores as he can before he has to hurry off to work. He puts the laundry on, gets groceries - cringes at the bill extremely, but he can’t just feed his brother instant ramen - and even cleans the kitchen a bit. He puts some toast into the toaster (without the crusts, and leaves a kettle full of freshly boiled water next to a box of green tea) and goes to wake Regulus. It’s not that Sirius necessarily needs to - the kid has a phone with an alarm, after all - but he likes it. It makes him feel more involved; more like an actual responsible brother.

Upon knocking on his door, before even Sirius has a chance to enter, he hears a loud groan; Sirius chuckles at that as he steps inside. While he himself had always been an early riser, Regulus loathes mornings more than anything in the world.

“Rise and shine, Your Majesty,” Sirius says brightly, leaning against the doorway. He smiles as he watches Regulus pull the covers over his head.

“‘eout-”

“No can do, you have a maths test today. Out of bed, sir.”

“Mhmm.”

“If I don’t see you at breakfast in ten minutes, I’m dumping a bucket of cold water right on your head.”

“‘u w’ldn’t. You’d h’ve to clean.”

Sirius laughs, shaking his head slightly. “Ten minutes,” he only says, stepping back and closing the door again.

It’s fifteen minutes until Regulus, sleepy and visibly very grumpy, stomps into the kitchen and sits himself next to Sirius at the kitchen table (Sirius lets him have 20 minutes - if it’s more than that, he always finds he had fallen back asleep).

“I’ll be back from work at 6,” he says, passing a cup of tea to his brother, who takes it without even slight hesitation. “D’you wanna wait for me and have dinner then, or do you want to order in?”

“I’ll be back later too,” Regulus informs him, taking small sips of his tea (he takes his tea ridiculously hot, Sirius had learned, which he simply stopped questioning it after a while). “I have a project to do with a friend. I’ll be at her house.”

“A friend, huh?” Sirius’s mouth raises in a smirk. “And what’s that friend’s name?”

Regulus rolls his eyes and huffs. “Amelia.”

Sirius smiles harder. “And are you and Amelia good friends?”

“Oh stop that.”

“I’ve no idea what you’re talking about. ‘m not doing anything.”

“Yes you are!” Regulus says in frustration. “You’re doing the girls thing. She’s not my girlfriend or anything, I don’t like her like that. She’s just a friend.”

Sirius’s gaze softens, and he ends up ruffling Reg’s hair - something he knows Regulus extremely hates.

“I know, I’m just joking around.”

He trusts - and hopes - Regulus would tell him if he started being interested in someone. Both of them aren’t really the type to talk about things like that anyway. Regulus, of course, knows Sirius is gay, but Sirius rarely talks about any boyfriends. Though, that might be cause he doesn’t really do that. Not since they left their parents, anyway.

And it’s not he doesn’t want to; it just never seems like the right time. He’s far too busy with school and then work and then caring for his brother - there’s nowhere to squeeze in dates. And sure, every now and again James and Lily drag him out of the house for the evening, but he never ends up coming home with anybody either; the anxiety about leaving his brother alone for the night is too much. Regulus isn’t a little kid anymore, but Sirius feels he shouldn’t leave him alone for a whole night. Not just yet, at least.

“So when will you be home?” Sirius asks, leaving the table to get his gear on and look for his bike keys (he always manages to loose them, somehow). Thank God for his bike - if it weren't for her, Sirius would be late for work pretty much every day, with how late he leaves the house.

“At 8, maybe?”

“No later than 9, okay? And give me a call if you need me to pick you up.”

“Mhm.”

“You’re grounded if you’re here a second after nine.”

He hears Regulus snort in reply. He walks to the kitchen, ruffles his brother’s hair once again (and earns a very displeased noise in response) and makes his way out the door.

By that time, Sirius’s stomach has settled, and although his head is still throbbing, and he still feels like shit, he’s confident the day at work should pass swiftly. Or so he hopes, at least.

And an hour into the workday, he’s proven wrong.

Working as a mechanic is, obviously, incredibly messy and even more tiring, but today everything seems to go slightly wrong; fussy customers, parts falling onto his feet or hands, accidental burns, and an oil spill all over his trousers. And that’s just little over an hour since he clocked in.

If only he could quit, he would.

Except he has barely any cash in his bank account right now, and it’s not like he has Mummy and Daddy’s fortune to rely on anymore. There’s some savings in his account, but that’s only for emergencies, and it’s not like it’s much. Not enough for rent and utilities, anyway.

Thinking about that always makes Sirius’s stomach clench uncomfortably. He’s so damn tired all the time from constant work, and all his muscles ache at the end of the day, and then there’s always something left to do at home. There’s not really much he can do about that other than to suck it up. It always comes down to Regulus anyway. Sirius isn’t doing it for himself - he wants Reg to have a good life, a happy life, not to be miserable like Sirius had been back in their family home.

He just wants his brother to be happy and healthy, and if that means having to work a few too many hours, then be it.

Sirius’s day passes in a blur of oil spills, clunking of metal, and about four cups of coffee, before he can finally make his way back home and drop onto the couch in exhaustion. The tension in his shoulders aches deeply whenever he moves; the skin on his hands is irritated and red (he really should invest in some moisturizer), and his hair feels uncomfortably dirty even if he's washed it today morning. He could stay on the couch forever.

But of course, life calls. Or more like texts.

And by life, he means James.

From: Prongs 🥰

6.15PM

pub??? now???? come pls?? i miss you :(

Sirius sighs deeply (and probably far too dramatically). He’s exhausted, and sore, and he wouldn’t even be able to drink because Reggie might call him for a ride later. All he wants is to crawl into bed right now, and hope he can sleep for even just a little bit tonight.

But then, he hasn’t seen his friends in what feels like ages and he genuinely misses them. It might be a bad choice, but well... if there’s one thing Sirius is known for, it’s making bad choices. So he agrees.

He quickly cooks dinner, just so there’s something to heat up when Regulus is back, and leaves a post-it note on the counter in case Regulus is home before him. Then, just as he’s about to throw on his jacket again and rush out the door, a thought pops into his mind. 

He pulls out his phone, sends a quick texts, and leaves his flat.

To: Remus

6.21PM

any chance you wanna come down to Three Broomsticks for a pint? my treat

[armywriter2605]

Theirs -Chapter 2 - OT7 x Reader

Genre: Mafia AU! BTS; Yandere AU! BTS; Angst; Fluff; Smut (not yet); OT7 x Reader

Warnings: Cursing; Mature Content ; Mentions of abuse and bullying; Soft yandere; Gore; more to be added throughout the series

Words: 3k +

1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5 / 6 / 7 / 8 / 9 / 10

Tag List : 

@themisses777

GIF NOT MINE

"I'm exhausted! I didn't think moving out would be this tiring." You said as you laid down on the couch, your head on the lap of a very sleepy Yoongi. It was late and you and the guys had just finished moving all your things into their apartment, although you did the least of all of them, you were still completely worn out.

"Yah! You had the most pauses out of all of us!" Jungkook said jokingly as he sat down in front of the TV, getting ready to play some game.

"He's right, munchkin. How can you have so many clothes? Or the real question is how did they fit all into your wardrobe? That was some tidying up skills right there." Jimin was sitting on the ground with his back against the couch and eyes closed, his head resting on your stomach facing the ceiling.  

"Hey! Blame Tae. He's the one giving me clothes as presents every month even when I tell him I don't have any space left for them."

You saw Tae shrug with a smile on his face before sitting next to Jungkook and putting his headphones on, joining the younger male on their game.

"So, how much of the rent shall I pay? I can also pay for the groceries once a week or so?" You were simply curious on how things would work; you surely weren't thinking of staying there for free. That was just ridiculous, although upon hearing your question, Yoongi cleared his throat and Namjoon, who was reading something on his phone on the other end of the couch, turn to you.

"Baby girl, you don't have to worry about that. We were the ones inviting you to stay here. You don't have to pay us to stay here." Namjoon's voice was flat, like this was something rather normal or something you should've seen coming or expecting.

You frowned at his response and turn your face to look at him, only to seeing him already looking at you, his face relaxed. "What? I'll be paying your landlord, of course. I just wanna help Joonie. I may not earn much, but at least it's enough to help around here. I don't feel comfortable knowing you guys are paying everything by yourselves. Especially when I know none of you work."

Just as you finished talking, the room became dead silent. Too silent for your liking. "Because you don't work, do you guys?" You swear you could hear Jimin gulping down air, yet as you were about to open your mouth to speak again, Jin and Hoseok walked into the living room with two trays full of sandwiches and fruit snacks.

"What's up with the tension? Let's eat! Jin-Hyung made these awesome sandwiches and wouldn't let me even try one of them." Hoseok said as he put the tray of sandwiches down on the coffee table before sitting down next to Jimin.

"You have to wait. If I'm making them and you're eating them then we wouldn't be going anywhere. Now all of us can eat them together." Jin said as he put down the tray he held before grabbing two sandwiches and sitting next to Namjoon.

You knew they were keeping something from you. There had to be something. It was impossible for them to be able to afford the apartment, unless they all did something. Jimin gave you a sandwich and you smiled at him before laying down again on Yoongi's lap. There could be many answers as to why they possibly didn't tell you what they did. Maybe they worked for the government. You knew many people who worked in those types of jobs couldn’t tell anyone about it, but they could still tell you they were working, right? Did they work from home perhaps?

You let out an annoyed sigh before it finally came to you. There was no better explanation than that. "Do you guys work in the…adult industry? Is that why you don't tell me what you do? I mean, it's fine if you do. I won't judge you at all. That would explain why you're home so often and gain good money." You weren't sure if you said something wrong, but the look Yoongi gave you sure didn't look like you guessed it right.

"Babygirl, if you're asking us if we do porn, no. No, we don't." Namjoon said as he ate the sandwich he had been given, his eyes on you.

"Angel, why would you even assume that!? We don't even have any other girls around besides you. Who would we even do it with?!" Hoseok looked at you like you were a monster with three heads and you still didn't understand why. They were seven young and healthy guys who lived together and seemed to have tons of money.

"Don't even answer that question, love. No, we're not in that industry. End of story." Yoongi said before closing his eyes again and yawning.

"I mean, it's the only reasonable answer. Either that or you work for the government or you're doing some illegal stuff. I just wanna know why you're keeping this from me. Every time I ask any of you about it, you just brush it off like it's such a stupid and irrelevant question." You said as you sat up, forcing Jimin and Hoseok to move their heads away from you.

"Do you not trust me? Because If you do, it sure doesn't seem like it. I wouldn't tell anyone about it, if that's your concern."

Jin sighed and put his hand on your knee, giving it a small squeeze. "That's not it, princess. Of course, we trust you. We would trust you with our lives, but some things are better left unknown."

By now, Jungkook and Taehyung had paused their game and were also facing you, eyes filled with concern. You just wanted to know what they kept from you. It was exhausting how you told them everything, yet they still had secrets in-between each other.  

"Alright, Jin. I have to go clean my room and put everything into place. Goodnight guys, sleep well." You said as you got up and took one more sandwich before you gave each one of them a kiss on the cheek and walked away, leaving your seven best friends in silent with faces of concern.

Third person's POV

As soon as Y/N closed her bedroom door after getting in, Hoseok was the first to let out a deep sigh he didn’t even know he was holding. The boys surely knew she was catching up, and that she would eventually find out, yet if they could keep it a secret for a bit longer, they would.

Taehyung was the first to speak up. He had always been the one to support the idea of telling Y/N the truth, yet he also knew how much danger she could be put in once they told her everything about their lives.

"We have to eventually tell her. It's better if we tell her, than her finding out on her own or someone else telling her. We can easily protect her; we have been protecting her for almost 6 years now dammit."  

"Keep your voice down, Tae." Yoongi hated when Y/N asked them those type of questions. It wasn't like he wanted to lie to her, but his love for her was too big to put her in any type of danger. He knew when she found out she would be upset and seeing her upset just broke his heart. "It's too risky."

"But Yoongi-hyung, she's living here now. She'll start asking why we leave at certain hours in the night, why we come back with bags full of money and leave early in the morning for the bank or stuff like that. Imagine if she finds one of our guns. How will we explain that?" Jimin, just like the other six, just wanted Y/N to be happy and seeing that this was bothering their princess was very saddening. He was hurt over how she could even think for a second that they didn't trust her. They would do anything for her, they have until now. It hadn't been easy to keep her in the dark. They knew their enemies would eventually try to come for their only weakness, the only one that could have them all on their knees in a matter of seconds, yet they had kept them all away. It was extremely difficult to get pass the seven of them.

Jin sighed as he leaned back against the couch, clearly tired and ready to call it a night. "Yoongi is right. If we tell her, the conversation could go two ways. Either she accepts it and we're all happy that she understood why we kept this from her or…"

"Or she leaves us." Jungkook was looking at the floor, fidgeting with his hands. "We can't let her leave. I love her, we all do. What will we do? We won't be able to protect her. Something may happen to her. If she leaves, I don't think I could even-"

"Enough. She's not leaving." Namjoon raised his voice, making his point clear yet also being careful to not speak too loudly so she wouldn't hear them. "Things will turn out perfectly fine, understood? Now that she's living with us some things will get much easier, yet others will get more difficult. Yes, we'll have to tell her, but everything will be okay. No matter what, as long as we're alive, she'll have us to keep her safe. That's what we promised, remember? Now, let's all go to sleep. We all need to rest. We have a mission tomorrow night."

Jimin, Hoseok and Jungkook were the first to say their good-nights. Taehyung also left to wash up before going to bed, leaving the two elder boys and their leader in the living room. "I hope you're right, Namjoon. I truly hope you are." Yoongi had always been the one who strongly was against of letting Y/N know all of the stuff they did.

"When did I ever let you down, Hyung? She'll understand, trust me. Don't stay up too late, Hyungs. Goodnight." Seokjin waved while Yoongi simply gave him a nod as the younger left the two other alone to think for themselves.

"Well, since you decided to stay behind, help me clean this up, yeah? Come on." Jin chuckled as he got up to start cleaning everything, from the leftovers to the pillows that were on the ground and the controllers that had been left behind.

"Aish…" Yoongi let out an annoyed sigh but got up to help his friend before both of them also disappeared into the hallway and into their own bedrooms.

THE NEXT DAY 

You woke up to a sweet aroma in the air, which you immediately identified as the smell of pancakes. You simply loved having pancakes in the morning, and waking up to them already done was just one of the best feelings in the world. It wasn’t before you tried to stand up that you noticed the arms around your waist, providing you with the warmth that surrounded your body. 

“Stay for a bit more...I couldn’t sleep well when I knew you were sad because of us.” That husky and sleepy voice belonged to Taehyung. It was impossible to mistake it for the voice of one of the other’s. Your assumptions were confirmed right when you turn around and were met by a messy grey/silver haired boy. 

“Tae, I wasn’t sad. I just don’t like to be kept in the dark. I wish you guys would trust me.” Taehyung shook his head as he hid his face in the crook of your neck. His breath was hitting your neck, sending chills down your spine. You tried to ignore the foreign feeling as you ran your fingers through his hair, trying to fix it a bit. “We trust you so much, baby doll. We just want you to be safe. Forever safe in our arms, our baby.”

You stared at the sleepy boy who hugged you like you were his life source, your heart skipping a beat. You were used to them using sweet nicknames when referring to you, yet this time it felt so different. Like you were more than their friend. It hadn’t been the first time you had felt like this and wondered if their nicknames and the way they talked to you and treated you meant more, but you always brushed away such thoughts. 

You simply nodded at Tae’s words as you closed your eyes and kept running your fingers through his hair, wondering how it could possibly still be this soft when he had dyed his hair so many times before. 

“I love it when you run your fingers through my hair like that. It’s so relaxing. I could stay like this forever.” Taehyung let out a giggle and you smiled at him before you heard your door opening very slowly. 

“Angel? Are you awake? Breakfast is read-YAH! Taehyung, why are you here?” You giggled and opened your eyes to see Hoseok standing by your door, Jungkook and Jimin standing behind him. 

“He’s there? Tae-hyung! That’s not fair!” 

“You sneaky bastard! You’re even laying on her like that!?”

You could feel Taehyung smile against your neck, yet not moving a muscle. That made you smile as you looked at the three other who were staring at their friend and then at you. 

“He said he didn’t sleep well, guys.” 

“Didn't sleep well, my ass. You didn’t sleep well until you came in here to cuddle, right Tae?” Jimin said rolling his eyes, while Taehyung let out a chuckle and moved, laying next to you. “Good morning, baby doll. Morning Hobi-hyung, Jiminie, Jungkookie.” You shook your head while you stood up smiling. “Good morning guys. Let me go to the bathroom and then we’ll eat. Is everyone else awake?” Jungkook nodded while you walked passed them and towards the bathroom. “And Tae, get out of my bed!” You could hear the boys laugh before you entered the bathroom.

You did what you had to do before you headed to the kitchen where all the boys were. “Morning again.” You said as you sat down next to Namjoon and Jin, right in front of a plate full of pancakes. “I’m starving. Was it you who made the pancakes, Jinnie?” 

“Who else would get up extra early to make breakfast, princess? Only Mr. Worldwide Handsome here.” You laughed and nodded. “Thank you, Jinnie. So what’s everyone doing today?” 

“Me and Jungkookie are gonna play. They are supposed to update the game today and new maps are going to come out! It’s so exiting!” Taehyung said as he ate his food, while Jungkook nodded eagerly, his mouth full of food. 

“Me, Hoseok-hyung and Jin-hyung were thinking of going to the mall and getting some stuff. Do you need anything, Munchkin?” 

You shook your head as you ate a pancake, letting Namjoon fill your cup with coffee. “Me and Yoongi-hyung were thinking of just staying at home, maybe keep you company?” 

You looked at Yoongi and then Namjoon, before shrugging. “I have work today though. Me and Seong-Min will be alone the entire day since the others have the day off.” You sipped your coffee and you took another pancake onto your plate. 

“Who’s Seong-Min? I haven’t seen him before.” Jungkook said, giving his hyungs a look before looking at you with a smile on his lips. 

“He joined like two days ago? Something like that. He’s new, but really skilled. I think he has worked in a cafe before. He has attracted a lot of new clients too, so that’s good.”

“Really? How old is he?” 

You looked at Yoongi, who looked more grumpy than usual. “A year older than me and Kookie, 22.” They all nodded, yet stayed silent until Namjoon turn to you. “When are you done at work then?” 

“Me and Seong-Min will close the store too of course, so not until late. Which of you handsome gentlemen will be the one picking me up?” You asked, half joking half serious, knowing one of them always came to pick you up and follow you home. 

Namjoon shrugged as he got up, being followed by all of the others. “We’ll see. Don’t worry. One of us will be there.”  You nodded finishing breakfast. Of course, one of them would be there. Or so you thought...

The day went by rather okay. Yoongi took you to work and even stayed there with you for a couple of hours, until he told you Jin was blowing up his phone telling him he had to come home and that it was his turn to cook them lunch. Of course, you believed him and let him go. You also preferred that he didn't stay, the glares he kept on giving your pore coworker were terrifying.

Seong-Min was a great person and he was very easy to work with, what made your day go by even faster. When the night came and the time to close the café neared, you were expecting to see one of the boys already there. They were always on time, saying they hated when you walked the streets alone at night.  

"Waiting for the boyfriend?" You heard Seong-Min ask from behind you, as he locked the café doors.

"Boyfriend? No no. My friends usually pick me up from work. They said they would be here today too, but…aren’t?" You said slightly nervous as you checked your phone, expecting to have at least one text from one of them.

"Well, I can walk you home if you want?" You heard Seong-Min say as he nervously rubbed the back of his neck.

"Don't you usually go the other way though? It's okay, I can go by myself."

"No no! Well, yes but let me walk with you, please? I wouldn't feel good about myself knowing I let you walk home alone at this time of the night."

You smiled, yet shook your head. “Really, it’s fine. Thanks anyways. I’ll see you Sunday at work?” 

Seong-Min nodded at you, slightly down you didn’t want him to follow you home. “Yeah, of course. But are you sure? I’ll gladly walk with you. Keep you company, you know?”

“I’m sure...Bye then.” You said before walking your way. You hated walking alone in the dark, yet having your coworker follow you home didn’t feel right either, specially when you didn’t know him that well. When you walked at night, you felt somehow paranoid and afraid something would happen to you. The boys always said that nothing would happen to you at all times, yet how could they be so sure if they weren’t there with you right now?

They couldn’t and unfortunately, neither could you. 

Third person’s POV

As Y/N walked, she remembered she had her headphones in her purse and once she had music playing, everything got somehow better. Yoongi had made her a playlist with all her favorite songs and others he knew she would like, and she was truly thankful he had used his time to put her all time favorites into one playlist. She had somehow forgotten of her surroundings, until she opened her front camera to take a selfie for her friends and noticed a dark figure with a hoodie up looking at the ground. At first Y/N tried not to think much of it, yet as she continued walking, the more familiar that hoodie was to her. 

A few blocks away, the seven boys were at a club’s VIP section about to finish their deal. All of them knew what time it was and that they were late to pick you up, yet as the man they were dealing with got more persistence on asking all sort of questions, the longer it was taking for them to get rid of him. It was like he knew they were in a hurry and din’t want to let them go. 

Namjoon had thought of sending one of the boys to pick you up, yet when Hoseok tried to leave the room, the tension rose between Namjoon and the man. “How can I possibly trust any of you when you’re trying to send one of your best men out of the room? How do I know he won’t try something funny?” So, with that, Namjoon told Hoseok to stand by. 

Each of the boys were growing much more impatient as the time went by and for their leader it was something very easy to notice and quite stressful. While Jungkook was drumming his fingers against the table, Taehyung and Jimin let out deeps sighs, Jin and Hoseok kept on nervously shaking their legs, Yoongi was getting more irritated by each small sound that filled the room. The voice of the man was ticking him off, and Namjoon was no where better. 

Jin had informed Namjoon that they technically didn’t need this deal, the profit wasn’t anything too big, yet Namjoon said that having this sort of connections was nice and could come in hand. That was the only reason as to why the seven men still sat around the table they had been sitting around for the past 3 hours. Only them and the old guy who for some reason didn’t know what time was.

Namjoon was trying his best to answer to the man’s multiple questions, yet he lost his cool when it finally happened. A message from Y/N came in, each of the boy’s phones letting out a muffled sound because of the loud music being played in the background. 

She was scared. Someone had scared their princess and she was now hiding. Before anyone could even move an inch, Namjoon had already cocked his gun out, shooting the man right between his eyes. “Let’s go. Our baby needs us.” While all of the boys smirked and nodded, Namjoon gave a signal to one their men to clean the scene that laid before them, before leaving with the others.

Lord had mercy on Seong-Min who just simply wanted to make sure Y/N got home safe, because the seven men sure knew they wouldn’t once they got their hands on him. 

[serendipitous-magic]

Question Game - AKA Oversharing Hour

I was tagged by @the-angry-pixie​! And I’m a chronic oversharer, so this was fun. I’ll put most of it under a read more line because there’s a LOT.

1. Do you prefer writing with a black pen or blue pen? 

Black. Dunno why.

2. Would you prefer to live in the country or city? 

City city city city city city city city. I’m already going fucking batshit as it is, trapped in suburbia. I want to be able to actually do things, anything. Anything other than just being around the house and / or work. (And I felt like this before the pandemic started.) If you live in the city you can walk out your door and be somewhere else within like 5 minutes. A city park, a cafe, a train/subway, a local attraction, a museum, an artist’s booth, an outdoor market, etc. etc. 

Living in suburbia is like, well, to go literally anywhere you have to get into your car first and drive like 10 minutes minimum to get out of the neighborhood, and then if you want to go anywhere that’s not the grocery store you have to drive 20 minutes to get to another area of town, and then once you get there that’s the only place you can be without getting into your car again and getting a nice shot of anxiety from having to drive in traffic and have aggressive drivers roar up on your ass because you’re going 5mph above the speed limit and they want to be going 15mph above, and god help you if you have to merge, and oh by the way this is your only option to get around because public transit doesn’t really exist in any useful way in Big Suburbia, and nothing in within walking distance of your house except like 2 playgrounds and maybe one (1) gas station. (I hate it here lmao)

If I was trapped in the country I’d probably be chill with it for about a week, and enjoy the break, and the on day 8 I’d snap and go on a murdering spree out of stir-craziness.

3. If you could learn a new skill what would it be? 

I want to learn German and eventually be fluent in it. But since I’ve already started trying to learn and I don’t know if that counts, I’ll say cinematography. As in the actual working of the camera and lighting and all that. I can dream up some pretty striking images but actually getting the camera to do the settings needed to capture them is another story entirely.

4. Do you drink your tea/coffee with sugar? 

Nope. I drink coffee and tea both, and I don’t put any kind of sweetener in either of them. I used to put a shitton of sugar in my coffee and honey in my tea, and then I had some mild eating disorder struggles in college and I never got back in the habit of putting stuff in my hot drinks after that. It just tastes wrong now, after being used to plain black coffee.

5. What was your favourite book as a child? 

Either the Harry Potter series or The Hobbit. My grandma would take care of me a lot when I was really little because my parents both worked full time to support us, and every single time I was at her house she’d sit us down at the dining room table and read something to me. Not Junie B. Jones or anything, either, but real, big, thick books. I loved the shit out of Harry Potter and The Hobbit; I would request them repeatedly. We pretty much went back and forth; we’d read Harry Potter, and then The Hobbit, and then when a new Harry Potter book came out we’d read that, and then The Hobbit again, and so on and so forth.

6. Do you prefer baths or showers? 

Showers. I love baths, they’re magical, but ain’t nobody got time for that unless it’s a special occasion. I got too much shit to do to spend an hour lying in the bathtub.

7. If you could be a mythical creature, which one would it be? 

Vampire. Purely on the basis that if I was immortal maybe I’d finally have time to get my to-do list done and accomplish things. I’d miss the sunlight though.

8. Paper or electronic books? 

Paper. Here’s the thing, I really want to enjoy ebooks, but they just don’t hold my attention at all. Maybe I’m too conditioned by the internet to have a short attention span when I’m looking at a screen, idk.

9. What is your favourite item of clothing? 

I have a dark gray hoodie from the Seattle Aquarium from when I went on a road trip across America with my BFF a few years ago. It’s still my absolute favorite thing. I also enjoy my hiking boots a lot. (I wear them all the time, really they should just be called “everyday boots” haha)

10. Do you like your name or would you like to change it?

I like my name and I would also like to start going by something different. Probably just because I’m a restless soul and I feel the best (and least trapped) when I’m on the move or when things are changing. The second I get somewhere I want to be somewhere else. That’s just how I am. Gwen is a cool name (I’ve personally met maybe 3 people in my whole life with the same name, face-to-face), but there’s a lot attached to that nickname that I don’t necessarily want to carry with me when I eventually escape my hometown and start down a new path.

11. Who is a mentor to you? 

A friend and former professor whom I usually refer to online as Producer Man. He’s a producer (as you may have guessed) who kind of took me under his wing after I was in one of his film classes in college. We work together on film projects now and he’s teaching me bit-by-bit (usually by way of long, rambling, tangential stories / lectures) about the industry. He’s a really good guy. Like, he for sure has a case of Old White Guy sometimes, but his heart is absolutely in the right place. “He’s a little confused, but he’s got the spirit.” He’s always leaving $10 tips at coffee places and working himself to the bone to get his students connected to jobs and internships that will help them with their careers. 

12. Would you like to be famous and if so, what for? 

Yes, my stories. Actually, “famous” is not the right word. It’s just that fame is so tightly associated with success in our society. I want to be successful. Whether I’m widely known or not is pretty inconsequential to me. I want to make stories and I want them to have an impact. Books, film, etc. It’s about as simple as that.

13. Are you a restless sleeper? 

Oh yeah. I have trouble  sleeping as much as I should because I usually kind of jerk awake in the morning with this vague feeling that I forgot something or that I’m late for something. Also I stay up later than I should because I’m a night owl, and yet I like being up early because early mornings are great. And usually if I dream at all it’s something kind of stressful, like I dream that I forgot something important or did something wrong. I’m a Stressed Bean. 

14. Do you consider yourself a romantic person? 

I think so, yeah. I’m pretty obsessed with the idea of romance (I mean look at my OTPs), but heteronormativity got me fucked up enough that I’m bad at actually navigating real romantic feelings or relationships because society never prepared me for The Gay.

15. Which element best represents you? 

Fire, probably.

16. Who do you want to be closer to? 

My mom. We fight a lot and there tends to be a lot of tension between us. It’s a long complicated story. It boils down to, she really hurt me when I came out as not-straight at 15 and she lost all of my trust and even though she’s working on being less homophobic we’re still kind of trying to repair that divide seven years later.

17. Do you miss someone at the moment? 

Dude, I miss everyone. I’m an introvert and I’d love to be at a big party right now. I miss socialization. (As does everyone.) 

18. Tell us about an early childhood memory. 

The first time I experienced deja vu, I was about eehhh 6? And I legitimately believed, for several years of my life, that I had future-predicting abilities. Like, supernatural-level future-predicting abilities. Because I didn’t really know what deja vu was, so I thought, every time it happened, that I had already ~seen~ that moment in my dreams or something. 🤣

19. What is the strangest thing you have eaten? 

Hm. (My immature ass brain yells “DICK.” No, brain. Those were dark heteronormative times. Also, grow up.) 

Probably some of the sushi in Seattle. I actually love sushi, it’s just that when it has full-on legs and eyeballs I start getting a little squeamish. I like the rolls and the kind where there’s some fish meat laid out on a nice little bed of rice, that’s delicious. But when they brought out the whole shrimp with legs still attached, I was like “How in the (redacted) am I going to chew / swallow that.”

20. What are you most thankful for? 

That I happened to be living with family when this pandemic hit. I was supposed to move out (and across the country, actually) as of... like 4 days ago, as it happens. That was the plan. Plane ticket was gonna be booked for 7/15/20. Obviously, things didn’t quite work out that way, because of the pandemic and a few other reasons. But I can’t imagine if I had been in an apartment living with roommates, or in an apartment on my own struggling to get by, when this happened. A lot of people couldn’t pay rent and lost their homes. I was very, very lucky to be where I was, when I was, and very lucky that I have family who let me stay in their house pretty much indefinitely while this clusterfuck of a year happens.

21. Do you like spicy food? 

Yes! I looooove spicy thai food especially. I miss the massaman curry from a local Thai place so much 😭

22. Have you ever met someone famous? 

Um. Maybe? I met Veronica Roth once at an author talk in the library where I work, although it was before I worked there. And I met some guy from New Zealand who’s famous for his sword fighting skills because my dad does sword fighting stuff. Don’t remember his name though.

23. Do you keep a diary or journal? 

Yep. I have to write down everything or I forget. (I often say I have the memory of a goldfish.) Also, I have this compulsion to record and preserve my experiences in life, because I feel like our time on Earth is so fleeting and if I don’t write down what’s important to me, I’ll forget it and lose it.

24. Do you prefer to use a pen or a pencil? 

Pen. Pencil gets smudged.

25. What is your star sign? 

Scorpio, which is ironic because they’re supposed to be ~hyper sexual~ I guess, and I’m like gray-ace or something in that zone.

26. Do you like your cereal soggy or crunchy? 

Crunchy. Who eats soggy cereal? Are you okay? Do you need help? This is an intervention. 

27. What would you want your legacy to be? 

My stories. Life and sentience, as we experience it, is made up of just that: experience. And I read somewhere that, on some level, the human brain doesn’t differentiate that much between real life experiences and fictional experiences. I think that’s true. If you read or watch or hear the right story, it can really touch you and change the way you see life, or even change the way you live life. Stories have an incredible amount of power, both in individual people’s lives and in larger society. A huge amount of power. I want to be able to give people experiences that will Enrich Their Lives (do I sound like a lifestyle coach yet? 🤦🏼‍♀️), but also stories that actively do good in society. Positive representation, body positivity/neutrality, diversity, healthy relationships (Hollywood has a real problem with that). Hope. It’s the best thing I can think to give society, and storytelling is what I love to do.

28. Do you like reading, what was the last book you read? 

I love reading. I wish I did it more. Part of my problem is that I get caught up in the hectic Rat Race of modern society and I never feel like I have time to sit down with a book for hours. Another problem of mine is that I start too many things at once, meaning I currently have like 5-10 (I lost count) books that I started reading, and I want to finish all of them, which means no progress ever gets done on any of them.

I last finished The Goldfinch, and I am currently working on The Secret History, Good Omens, Dune, a book my dad wrote, Directing Actors, Shot by Shot, The Way of Kings and I forget what else.

29. How do you show someone you love them? 

Physical affection, acts of service, words of affirmation, quality time, and gifts, in that order. If I’m close to someone, whether romantically or not, I want all the affection. And I’m kind of dying in quarantine. 

30. Do you like ice in your drinks? 

Depends. I usually don’t put any in, because it’s just gonna water down the drink and get in the way of drinking it (you know when the ice attacks your face?), but I don’t really mind ice in my drinks.

31. What are you afraid of? 

Helplessness. I Have Control Issues. ✌️ Also stagnation.

32. What is your favourite scent? 

Amber. Or any scent that’s kind of autumn-y. You know what I mean. Some other examples include dryer sheets, wood smoke, cigarette smoke (my big sister used to smoke a long long time ago, and although I never saw her do it, I still associate the scent with her), pine resin, rain, that Mahogany Woods scent from Bath and Bodyworks.

33. Do you address older people by their name or surname? 

If they introduce themselves as Pam I call them Pam. If they introduce themselves as Mr. Brown I call them Mr. Brown.

34. If money was not a factor, how would you live your life? 

 If “money is not a factor” means I have an infinite amount of money to spend as I wish, then: buy land, build film studio complex on land, found company, hire fellow creatives, make movies.

If “money is not a factor” just means that I don’t have to work 40 hours a week to afford rent, then: move to Chicago, rent a nice studio apartment, write stories, maybe work 15 hours a week at a used bookstore or coffee shop to get me out of the house and socialize. Go to museums, go to the park, walk along Lake Michigan, go to gay bars, ride the train, brave the Illinois winters, own a cat, paint, play guitar. Build my actual career on writing / storytelling. Probably also do some filmmaking.

Alternatively: buy an RV (not like an American Trailer Park shitty RV, I’m talking the NOICE ones), buy good film equipment, be a freelancer, live in RV driving around to wherever the next filming location is. Life is a road trip and I’m doing what I love. Writing, storytelling, filmmaking. My home would travel with me. Writing in cafes; roadside attractions; early mornings on the road with coffee in the cup holder as the sun comes up; being able to go anywhere to film; always experiencing something new.

35. Do you prefer swimming in pools or the ocean? 

I’ve lived in a landlocked state my whole life, so I guess swimming pools. And, listen, I CANNOT get water in my mouth at the beach without wondering exactly how many kids have peed (or worse) in that water. (I know that’s a thing with pools too, but pools get cleaned.)

36. What would you do if you found £50 on the ground? 

Wonder what some poor European is doing in America right now. But if it was $50, I’d probably yell “DID ANYONE DROP THIS?” and then take it if no one speaks up.

37. Have you ever seen a shooting star? 

A few times, yeah.

38. What is the one thing you would want to teach your children? 

Grades are not the end-all-be-all. Skip some homework assignments to spend time with friends. Skip class sometimes. I’m serious. If you make school your top priority, even over your own personal life, you will come away with good grades and a lot of regret and missed opportunities. Learning is HELLA important, and very very little of it happens inside a school building. Get a 15 hour weekend or after-school job in high school, befriend your coworkers, and have fun with it. Use your paychecks however you want. Join a school club - one that you’re actually interested in. Do stupid shit. Light your textbooks on fire after graduation or go to the 24 hour Wendy’s at 2am with your friends or kiss that person you met at summer camp or sleep on the porch because it’s too hot to sleep inside. Be smart and safe, but follow your whims. If you let yourself fall into routine, apathy will poison you.

39. If you had to have a tattoo, what would it be and where would you get it? 

I already have a couple small ones, but the one I want next is a four-leaf clover. Don’t know where. Maybe my right inner wrist or maybe an ankle. Or like behind my ear. Luck has saved me so many times. (See above, with how I happened to be living with family when COVID hit.)

40. What can you hear now? 

Swamp cooler downstairs, the clock ticking in my office, cars outside, people moving around the house. I’m surprised the neighbor kids aren’t shrieking their absolute heads off as per the usual. 

41. Where do you feel the safest? 

When I’m alone and unobserved. 

42. What is the one thing you want to overcome/conquer? 

TMI warning, but I absolutely despise public bathrooms. How am I expected to pee when there’s somebody sitting like three (3) feet away, with only a partial wall between us, hearing everything that’s going on? My fight or flight response simply will not allow it. It’s too awkward and therefore Not Safe. Either that public restroom has to be empty except for me, or it has to be so loud and bustling that ain’t nobody hearing anything. Anything in-between and I’m in hell.

43. If you could travel back to any era, what would it be? 

The ‘80s. Let’s be honest, even that far back makes my life (as a woman, and as a gay person) hella difficult. But, consider this: it’s the ‘80s. Furthermore, consider this: a part-time job might have actually supported me and paid rent back then 😱 Holy fucking shit. Sign me up. I just wouldn’t want to go any further than than like 1980, because again: lesbian. Being a woman in the past = even harder than it is today, being gay in the past = even harder than it is today, being a gay woman in the past = oh no.

44. What is your most used emoji? 

In order of descending frequency:

😂🙄😊😁🤦🏼‍♀️👀😬🌈🤷🏼‍♀️😙

45. Describe yourself using one word. 

Creative

46. What do you regret the most?

Wasting my entire teenage experience. (See #38.) I did quite literally nothing with my life except homework for like 18 years. If I had taken even a tenth as much time for myself as I did for school, I would be so much farther along as a person today.

47. Last movie you saw? 

In the theaters? ........ uh. Shit, I don’t actually remember. It’s been like 5 months. (As it has for everyone.) But the last movie I watched was Lights Out, because I’ve been watching the director’s youtube channel. You could tell it was low-budget and that the director was still kind of finding his stride, but it had a lot of heart behind it and the creators clearly gave a fuck, which made it enjoyable. I am firmly in the camp of “not everything has to be a Magnum Opus or have a multi-billion dollar budget to be a good movie.” If I engaged with it and got some sort of emotional experience out of it, and if it had a good message, I consider it a good movie.

48. Last tv show you watched? 

I don’t usually watch a whole lot of TV shows (who has the time?) but I think the last thing I watched was either The Witcher or that new Unsolved Mysteries miniseries on Netflix. Oh and I was watching Dead to Me because I just love Linda Cardellini’s face and I want to wrap Judy up in a blanket and cuddle the shit out of her and protect her from all things 🥺 My precious beautiful unstable sweet murder baby.

49. Invent a word and it’s meaning. 

Apapanic. It’s where you’re so stressed about things that half of your brain is panicking but the other half is so overwhelmed that it circled all the way back around to being calm to the point of apathy, so you just kind of sit there like

[fantasiesandbooks]

Tenerife Sea iii

I don’t own any of this photos.

Prologue Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Part 9 Part 10 Part 11 Part 12 Part 13 Part 14 Part 15

Once you got into Chanyeol’s car your mind started racing with thoughts about what you could possibly talk to him about. Ever since you started to falling in love with him, your mind felt unsettled everytime you talked to him in fear he might notice something is off and you know he is perssistent enough for you to tell him the truth.

You felt completely exhausted both mentally and physically so you tried to turn off your brain for a little bit and focused on the music coming out through the speakers and looking at the road.

The car came to a stop at a traffic light and Chanyeol turned to look at you while you were watching at the road and your face seemed troubled. He knew there was something that was feeling off in your friendship since the last time he came back from tour but he thought it was due to the fact that he hasn’t been able to hang out with you as you guys used to -although this has happened a couple of times before, you two always knew the way to get back to being comfortable with each other in a couple of days, but now it seems it’s been getting a little more complicated this time-.

“What are you thinking?” He asked but you didn’t answered as you were so lost in your thoughts. He shook you a little bit and you turned to look at him.

“What?... sorry I didn’t hear you” you said, shaking your head slightly as if clearing your mind.

“I asked you what were you thinking, you seemed worried” he told you, looking straight into your eyes.

“Nothing important, just that I have to do a lot of things at home” you lied, well… you weren’t completely lying, you do have to clean and prepare dinner for Baekhyun but that just occupied part of your mind while the majority of it was floated with thoughts about Chanyeol.

“What do you have to do?” He returned his gaze to the front since the traffic light color changed.

“I have to do the laundry, buy some groceries and clean the mess from yesterday… thanks for getting scared with the movie and spilled half of the popcorn in my sofa” you said sarcastically.

“Hey! I didn’t get scared” he scoffed “the scene where the murderer pops out from the backseat of the man’s car to kill him took me by surprise”.

“Clearly” you sneered.

Chanyeol side eyed you and made a pout, you smile at him while shaking your head, “he can be so childish sometimes” you thought.

“What about you?... Are you guys almost done with the album?” You asked him. He seemed so tired lately, you could see it in the bags and dark circles under his eyes but one thing you gotta give it to him, is the fact that despite the tiredness he always tries to be in a good mood and do the things he likes to take away the stress like playing basketball at 3am or being in his studio, unlike you, that need at least 5 hours of sleep without interruption or you’ll be moody all day.

“The recording it’s done but I have to finish the arrangements for some of the songs” Chanyeol turned to look at you briefly and returned his gaze to the road.

“Well don’t stress to much about it,” you said “get some proper sleep”.

“Yes mom” he chuckled. “I mean it, I don’t want my best friend almost passing out from tiredness every time I get to see him” you reproached him and he laughed slightly but his face turned a little more serious and both went quiet.

“I’m sorry” he sighed after a couple of seconds passed, “what for?” you didn’t understand why he was apologizing, “for not being in the mood of going out with you lately, I mean… the last couple of times we hadn’t done something fun and we had stayed in either your house or the dorms only” he looked regretful.

“Yeol it’s ok, I know you guys are packed with work and need to fulfill your schedules, remember… I have a job too” you said while pointing at yourself “and I know how stressful can be sometimes or most of the times actually” you said on a second thought.

He sneered at the last comment “About that… how’s it been at your job? You didn´t tell me anything about it last night” he asked.

“Ah.. you know… the same as always, stressing, boring, lifeless” you sighed heavily.

He laughed at your description “you’re so dramatic”, “I’m not joking” you scoffed “I really hate being there but I have to bear it” –you’ve been working as an assitant in an office and you thought it wasn’t that bad for the first couple of months but after doing the same things everyday, by the fourth one you were fed up with it and just trying to survived in there. For a while now you have had the idea that you wanted to be a writer and work in a magazine company but the search for that job has been tiring and without results so far.-

“Why don’t you quit then?” He asked, “ah… because I need money to pay rent, food, clothes and so on” you said sarcastically “priorities Darling” he chuckled, “Have you been looking for a new job?”, you turned to look at your window “Yes but so far I haven’t found a good one” you sighed again.

“And you haven’t consider others options at least for now?” He gave a turn and you were five blocks from your building now. “Getting a sugar daddy but I’d have to pick one that is old enough so I don’t have to put a mirror under his nose every morning just to see if he’s still alive for so much time” you answered him.

He laughed hard at your response “Where did you get that idea?”, “ from the movie How to be a latin lover, haven’t you seen it?” you said incredulously, “You’re mad” he chuckled while shaking his head, “And you have to see that movie my friend” you said pointing a finger at him. You arrived at the front of your building and Chanyeol parked the car, turned off the engine and turned to look at you “Ok, I’ll put it on the list for our next movie night” he said and turned to took your bag from the backseat and give it to you.

“Sounds good to me” you said, “Thank you” you grabbed the bag and removed the door lock to open it “and thank you for driving me home” you turned to him and smiled.

“Anytime” he smiled at you, “I guess I’ll see you around… please take care of yourself, I don’t have a lot of time to pay hospitals visits and take care of you” you said mockingly.

“What? Wouldn’t you be by my side if I get sick?” he gasped and gave you a hurtful look, “and you called me dramatic” you thought as a smirk peeked out from your lips, you started getting off the vehicle and looked at him “only if you pay more than the sugar daddy or my job. I will gladly be your nurse if that means quitting it” both chukled at that “See you” you smiled and gave him a small wave “see you” he also said and you closed the door from the car.

Chanyeol turned on the engine and you saw the car drove away. For that moment everything felt normal and good, you felt your heart and mind at ease and smiled to yourself but just as quickly as that sensation came, suddenly you remembered all your chores list and the dinner with Baekhyun and gave a heavy sigh, guess today was not gonna be as calm as you had expected to be.

 You didn’t notice in what moment the sun went down as you were running from one place to another finishing your list of chores and when you finally could seat for a moment in the couch -after cleaning under the table the last remains of popcorns from yesterday- you saw it was already 7pm which meant you’ll only have one hour left to clean yourself and make you look decent before Baekhyun arrived for dinner.

You took a quick shower, put on a pair of jeans, a t-shirt, a little bit of make-up and you started to make dinner. Baehkyun had asked you to make lasagna and told you he would bring some wine, “good I could really use a cup right now” you thought, after setting up the table for dinner you decided to lay down on the couch until Baekhyun arrived. With your gaze lost in the ceiling your mind started to wandered on the day you have had; chanyeol’s kinda weird attitude on the gym, when you looked at him working out, his body god! his body –the way his muscles flexed and sweat dripping down his shirt, his face, his arms- you sighed in frustration, but then, you remembered your talk with him in the car, joking and laughing as if anything had changed, but you know that’s a lie, now you tried to avoid his gaze the most possible when you talk to him, you were lying to him about the things you do throughout the day and trying not to be caught by others staring at him with your “hopeless love look” as Baekhyun had named it.

Your phone rang and saw Baekhyun picture on the screen, “What’s up?” you said while starting to getting up from the couch, “I’m outside your building, I’ll be right up” He said, “Ok, see you in a bit” and you hang up. You went to the mirror that was hanging on one of the walls of your corridor to look at yourself and fix the mess your hair had turned into for lying on the couch; you started to analyze your face, to be honest you don’t think you are pretty, just that you are “alright”, but sometimes you can’t help comparing yourself and feel that you are not at the level of the female idols the boys know and you doubted that even if you tried really hard to do the amazing make-up tutorials sometimes you look for fun or dressing up nicely, you could look like them. There was a knock on your door, you sighed and started walking towards the door to open it “guess that talk with yourself you’ll leave it for another day”.

“Hi y/n” Baekhyun waved with one hand as in the other he was carrying a groseries bag and smiled at you. He looked good- he was wearing a white shirt, ripped jeans, black shoes and he smelled really nice- “ok you take the looking fresh to serious” you said to him and step aside to let him in.

“I’ve always have to look good, you never know what pleasant surprises you could find on a Saturday night” he wiggled his eyebrows mischievously at you and put the bag on the table.

“You’re going out after dinner, aren’t you?” you asked.

“Yep” he said with a mischiveous grin “just don’t tell Sehun about it, if he finds out he’ll nag me the whole month about it, ok?”, You shake your head and laughed “he is quite something” you thought, “Ok, I won’t say a Word”.

The dinner went smoothly, the two of you talked about minor stuff with jokes every now and then from Baekhyun that made you laugh hard and shedded some tears. Honestly he was the best at making everyone laugh although you weren’t also so difficult on that matter as the guys even wondered how you could laughed at some of the Suho’s lamest dad jokes.  

“So… how things went with Chanyeol on the ride back home?” he muffled with his mouth full of food.

“Good I think, I mean, we were talking about our jobs and making small talk” you sounded glum. “But that’s good, isn’t it? You didn’t talk about your crush for him and he is still oblivious” he said matter of factly, “I don’t know Baek, its just… I feel that even if we hang out and do the same things as ever, there’s something that is missing”, you played with the leftovers in your plate and went quiet.

For Baekhyun it pained him looking at you like this; sometimes you were yourself, cheerful, sassy as him,  bright is he could say so, but lately he had seen you  tired, hopeless, sometimes when you were quiet like now he could see the struggle inside your mind throught your grimace and it amazed him how when you were around the other guys and Chanyeol you could light yourself on so easily and  just like that turn yourself off. He felt frustrated for not knowing exactly how to help you and that feeling increased every time he sees your face lighting up when Chanyeol is around and can’t believe your friend is stupid enough for not seen it or worse, if he’s playing dumb so you two can’t face the situation straight ahead. Is in this moment when an idea comes to his mind and thanks the heavens for it and hopes you’d get on board with it.

“Hey y/n” said excitedly, he startled you and you turned your gaze towards him, “I know what you can do to see if him is interested in you” he was so excited -as if he’d found out the cure for some rare disease or had won the lottery- “we could find you a fake boyfriend” he almost yelled.

“How many cups of wine have you had? You said to him, not believing the crazyness you’d just heard, “two and half I think but that’s not the point, focus woman… we could ask Jackson, he’s also your friend, right?”-you knew Jackson after Baekhyun introduced you at one of his parties, the two of you became friends in the same day as he was very friendly and nice talking to. You considered him a terrific friend but not to the extend of telling him the whole story and asked him to pretend to be your boyfriend so you could get another man- “yes but I don’t want to tell him, or anyone else actually, about my feelings for Chanyeol” you said reluctantly, “Aagh…” Baekhyun sighed in frustration and put his head on the table, “don’t you see is already hard for myself coping with this?” you asked frustrated also, “that’s exactly why I’m trying to help you” he raised his voice, “and I appreciate that Baek, I really do, but I don’t want pity from others and let alone they think I can’t even get a relationship on my own”.

“Just hear me out, this could actually work, if you pretend seeing someone else and acted all lovey dovey Chanyeol would notice it and both of us know he’s not that good at hididng his emotions so maybe that would set him off. Remember when we were training and he asked me to come were he was while you were doing squats?” he asked and you nodded at him “well, he was angry because some guys that were working out behind us were looking at your ass while we were doing push ups and he told me to take you to the other side of the room” he explained with a serious face.

“He did that?” you looked surprised, you thought he was completely focused on his work out, “that isn’t really a proof, he’s always been overprotective over his friends” you crossed your arms stating the facts. “Yes but it also means that he’s watching and taking care of you, and making me taking care of you, you’re welcome by the way, even if you don’t notice it” he said with a triumphant grin on his face.

Baekhyun had a point, you have to let him win on this one, but who of your friends could agree to this madness of a plan? You asked to yourself. “Ok then… lets say I agree on this plan of yours, then why can’t you be my fake boyfriend?, you already know what’s up” you asked giving him a questioning look, “ If I’ll do it I don’t think he’ll buy it, plus, there would be a high chance of him murdering us for not telling him about “our relationship”, I mean come on, his two best friends dating and not giving him a heads up at least?, that’s low”.

“Wasn’t Sehun his best male friend right now? They had been stick together lately” you said, “As if…” he sneered “Sehun is like our baby brother, we love him, but my friendship with Chanyeol is like magical, you know what I mean?” he said proudly while you really start considering taking the bottle of wine away from his grasp and looking at the alcohol level in it.

“Sure…” you said hesitantly, “so what other man aside from Jackson were you thinking of?”, “just him… or Sehun” he thought out loud.

“Sehun?... why him?” you asked curious of his choice and Baekhyun started to seem a little bit tensed, “Baek?...” you took a sip from your glass of wine while waiting for his response, “Because… he already know about your crush on Chanyeol” he said rapidly and took the wine left of his glass in one big sip. You choked when you heard his answer “HE WHAT?” you muffled and coughed, “nonono this can’t be happening”, your mind was all over the place, wondering how in the world Sehun could’ve found out about it; were you so careless with your actions?, did you tell him something that could hint your feelings for Chanyeol?, “bu… bu…” you stuttered, “but how, why? Did you tell him?”, there’s no way he could’ve find out on his own you denied to yourself, the panic you were feeling suddenly started to turn into anger, “Baekhyun… answer me!” you yelled at him, he seemed nervous, like a mouse when it knows he’s trapped and can’t find the way out.

“Well, ye…ye…yes and no” he stuttered, “explain yourself” you crossed your arms above your chest and sent him a murderous look, “He’d already figured out, he even asked me about it quite bluntly. I tried to deny it and made him think that was nonsense but he told me not to play dumb and he started telling me all the signs he’d noticed so I had no other choice than confirm it, I’m sorry” he sounded defeated and turn his look to the ground.

You were so mad but accepted that even if you started an argument with him, it would do no good and besides the damage was already done, “Aagh…” you gave a frustrated sigh, “fine, I’ll just crawled to my bed and never leave this apartment again” the feeling of embarrassment growing inside you, at that Baekhyun tried to soothed you “Don’t worry about it, I’d made him promise not to tell anyone about it, and he has keeping it so far” he gave you a regretful look.

“I could talk to him and conviced him in helping us with the plan” he said, you turned to look at him and shook your head in denial, “No first, I haven’t accepted that yet and second, let me talk to him, I want to clear things up” you got up and walked towards the kitchen and once there you started to inhale and exhale deeply in order to calm yourself. The shame and anxioness from your crush on Chanyeol was getting bigger and bigger, at first when Baekhyun found out and now that you know Sehun was aware of it too, you didn’t know how could you look into the tall boy’s face and begging him not to tell a single word of it to Chanyeol. You Heard the doorbell ringing “that’s odd, I didn’t expect anyone to come aside from Baekhyun” you thought, “Aah... maybe is the delivery guy with the things I ordered yesterday” said to yourself. You turned around in order to go get the door but Bakhyun blocked you as he was entering the kitchen with his hands full with plates and bowls, “Could you get the door please? It must be the delivery guy, I’ll start washing the dishes and clean the mess here” you said as you grabbed the dishes from his hands “Sure” he said and turned around to get the door.

The doorbell rang a second time and Baehyun ran to open the door, he expected to see a guy with a handful full of packages but instead he looked a tall figure with a frown on his face when the two of them locked eyes; it was Chanyeol, he was wearing a black hoodie, pants and cap of the same color and was carrying two bags which seemed to be full of takeout food, “Hey…Yeol” the pink-ish haired boy said as he scratched his neck and tried to avoid his gaze, he step aside to let the other one came in, “Hey… what are you doing here?” the tall one asked, his face confused waiting for the other’s response, “Well… I” he started saying “Baek I left some money on the table near the door for the tip” you interrumped him while you were walking outside the kitchen trying to clean your hands on the apron you were wearing, “Did you hea…” you turned your gaze to the front and stopped on your tracks, eyes widening as you saw a very serious Chanyeol looking at you and Baekhyun, “Chan… wh…what are you doing here?” you asked, not believing your eyes, of all the days it had to be today, great!.

  Thank you for the support and comments. I hope you like the series and I’ll try to make a more cheerful y/n in the next chapter ^^