#i do not mind the weight i have gained but if i could reshape myself so my stomach didn’t poke out so much i would be set

[jaeshoney]

it’s so hard to be healthy when you’re broke and busy

the tags are honestly just a word vomit that barely make sense with the post but oh well

[nyxicnymph]

The Curse On Hyrule

A Zelink Angst fic based off of some angsty theories for BoTW2.

Enjoy. Or not.

Link gasped for breath, bending over. Dammit, he was so close!

Stupid curses. Stupid magic. Stupid Calamity.

Link reached for the Master Sword with his right hand, before flinching and switching hands. He stared down at both his arms, the right black and blacker, with hints of green, and blue, and that stupid magenta. The left, shaking with the weight of the Master Sword, used to bearing shields or supporting longer weapons, but not wielding a weapon by itself. Link snorted at the irony.

He stood up, ignoring how more than half of his body almost wouldn't obey him. He had to get to Zelda.

Zelda, who knows everything. Zelda, who was close by. Zelda, who had fallen into that abyss at the time. Zelda, who had already been traumatized by one bearer of the cu-

Link cut that train of thought off. He raised his sword, using the shaky light to illuminate his path. He knew she was close. He could feel her. He would shout, but he couldn't.

The closer he got, the quicker he moved. He could feel the curse growing, gaining control of his right side. And moving faster, as if it could feel that the possible end to it's goal was close.

Link almost passed the opening, and had to use the Master Sword to keep himself from moving forward. He entered the cavern cautiously, scanning for traps and monsters. Surprisingly, and suspiciously, there were neither.

Link rushed to the huddled mass in the dark corner, reaching out to her, to let her know he was there, that he needed her help. Then he stopped.

The last time he touched a dark mass in a dark cavern, well. He'd ended up cursed, losing the l- Princess of Hyrule, and accidentally reshaping the entirety of the continent.

He opted for another way. He sheathed the sword, then tapped the sheathed sword against the princess.

She jumped up, battle ready, her golden locks framing her determined face, and backlit by her unlocked power glowing from her right hand. The power faded as she lowered her hand, and her face melted in relief.

"Link!" She leapt forward as if to hug him, but Link sidestepped her. When the princess turned to face him, hurt evident on her face, he lifted his right hand to eye level, tears pricking at the corners of his eyes.

Zelda's own eyes widen as she took in the sight. "W-what happened to you, Link? Is this my fault? Is that why you-?" She choked up.

Link hurriedly shook his head. He pulled out his sheikah slate and pulled up an image of the corpse that started it all.

Zelda's face turned from concern to horror as it sunk in, and she fell to her knees. "No," she whispered softly. "No, it can't be. It doesn't... Does it?" She buried her face in her hands. "We have to fix this. There has to be a way."

Link wanted to help her up. His heart ached to see her that way, broken, on the floor, lost. But he can't touch her. He hadn't touched anyone since the curse, not even his enemies. He sure wasn't going to touch her.

He'd hate himself.

Zelda stood up, and brushed off her pants. "We'll figure this out. Have you gone to see Impa yet?"

Link shook his head. Zelda had and always would be his first priority, and she seemed to gather that.

"Well, then let's start with that. Impa has a good head on her shoulders, she should know what to do. And if she doesn't, she might have an idea." Zelda started walking, and Link, loyal as ever, followed behind.

<Kakariko Village>

"Have you tried using your power, Princess?" Impa suggested, grabbing Zelda's attention away from whatever she'd been glaring at.

"What? My power?"

"If my theory is correct, this curse...."

Link lost track of the conversation, trying to figure out what Zelda had been glaring at so intensely a moment ago. He glanced up the staircase to see Paya disappearing.

Oh.

The knight returned to the side of the princess, but didn't meet her eyes. He didn't want his mind to go down that road, for the sake of the worst-case scenario.

"Link, are you listening?" Impa's harsh voice pulled him out of his thoughts. Link nodded, and Impa scoffed. "You and the princess are going to the field overlooking the Zora domain, and she is going to try to remove your curse. Follow her instructions." Impa turned to Zelda. "Remember. Do not touch him, unless you are absolutely sure it has been removed."

Zelda nodded resolutely. "Understood."

At the field, Zelda and Link stood facing each other, all alone in a sea of green. Even the deer were gone. Link was surprised that the field remained, instead of being hoisted into the sky like many other parts of Hyrule had been.

Zelda cleared her throat. "Link, I have to see how far the curse has progressed." Link looked at her blankly, and Zelda averted her eyes. "You need to remove your shirt."

Link nodded, and did as the princess commanded, but slowly. He had hoped it wouldn't come to this. He hadn't wanted her to see how much of him had been taken over.

He hadn't wanted her to see him turning into a monster before her eyes.

"Link, I-" she stammered as she looked at his torso, two thirds blackened, and the remaining third crossed over with angular patterns. "I don't know what to say. How did it get this bad?"

Link signed that he thought it was hastened by activity against it, but he wasn't sure.

Zelda sighed, tears evident. "I pray this works. Lanayru help us." She raised her right hand, and it glowed.

Link closed his eyes, and opened his arms, as if to embrace the power that washed over him in the next second. He felt cold, then warmth, then a feeling like his nerves were tiny lightning bolts. Then it all faded.

"No!"

Link's eyes snapped open to see Zelda kneeling on the ground, her hands covering her mouth, and tears streaming down her face. He looked down and saw his torso had been completely blackened, and the hints of green, blue, and magenta were stronger than before.

"This was supposed to work!" The princess cried. "It was supposed to cure you! To cleanse you! What good-" She choked on a sob. "What good is this power if it can't even save my l- loyal knight?!"

Link knelt beside her, trying to comfort her with his presence, since he couldn't hold her. He signed:

I'm still here, princess. We will figure this out.

Zelda cried a while more, before wiping her tears away. "Let's go to the temple at the plateau. Maybe we will get a hearing from the goddess, and she will help us."

Link nodded. This was as close to a back-up plan as they had.

<The Temple, Great Plateau>

The sun shone on the two small forms kneeling in front of the large goddess statue. The figure on the right begging frantically, her tears soaking the stone beneath, and the figure on the left, silently crying as well, but more focused on his fingers than anything else.

How long until the left hand matched the right? Link knew it wasn't that long. He could feel the curse slipping through the veins and muscles of his left bicep, curling around his elbow.

He had to get Zelda away from him before he was completely taken over.

He sat up, which drew Zelda's attention. They turned to face each other, and Zelda looked at him questioningly. Link hesitatingly lifted his hands up, and signed:

I need you to run. Away from me. I'm afraid it's too late.

His hands movements were jerky, some of them uncoordinated. He almost couldn't control his own limbs, and Zelda noticed.

"No, Link! Even if you're consumed, I won't leave you! It's my fault we were down there! And so it's my fault you were cursed!" Her tears dropped, splattering the floor between them.

Link's own tears fell as he signed, And I can't have you being hurt because of me!

"But it's my fault!"

You're the only one who can stop me, Princess! You're the next most worthy of the Master Sword! Link signed in frustration, trying to get her to see his point.

"The... The Master Sword? Why?"

Because the Master Sword will be the only thing capable of killing me.

Zelda stood up and shook her head. "No! I refuse! I- There has to be another way! I will not kill you!"

You have to. Or Hyrule is doomed.

Zelda spun away. "I refuse to listen anymore! You will be fine! You-" She cut herself off when she heard a thud.

She gasped when she saw Link on the floor. "Link!" She halted her dash forward when a dark shadow came over the temple. She looked up and saw the clouds were purple.

She made to run to Link anyway, until he stopped her with a single sign.

No.

She saw the curse creeping up his neck, and she ran up to him regardless. "I refuse to let it end like this!" She told him as she grabbed him under the arms and tried to pull him away.

Zelda, please, for my sake, run!

"No!"

Zelda, please!

"I won't leave you!" She screamed, tears and sweat mingling on her face as she pulled him out of the temple.

You must! Link signed as the curse covered his chin.

"I'm not leaving you, so stop trying to make me!"

Zelda, you have to leave!

"Why are you so insistent I leave?!" Zelda cried as his body slid from her fingertips and hit the ground once more.

With incredibly, increasingly uncooperative fingers Link signed:

Because I love you.

The eyes of the knight met the eyes of the princess, and something passed between them. Link saw the fire in her gaze and knew he had said the wrong thing, but had no idea what. Zelda found confirmation of what she had been suspecting for months.

As the curse consumed Link, and the Master Sword fell to the ground, Zelda stepped forward. She picked up the sword, and felt it hum deep in her bones. She knew what she had to do.

Or rather, what was good for all of Hyrule.

"I've sacrificed myself for Hyrule once already!" She screamed at the sky. "Why should I do it again?!"

She threw aside the sword, and grabbed Link. "If you won't stay with me, than I'm going with you! I never want to be separated from you again! I owe you my life a hundred times over! I refuse to let it end like this!"

She pressed her lips to his, and refused to separate, even as she felt the curse flowing into her own body, moving faster than it had before.

As Princess Zelda died, she prayed one last time for a hero to save Hyrule. One worthy to wield the Master Sword, and stronger than she.

And if Hyrule wasn't saved?

Well, that's what the new calamities were hoping for, after all.

And thus fell the Hope, Princess, and Kingdom of Hyrule.

[inheritance-cycles]

Thorta Du Ilumëo

Trigger warnings for canon-typical graphic violence and torture.

Following the Siege of Dras-Leona, Murtagh and Thorn launch a successful attack against the Varden. During the fight, Eragon falls from Saphira’s back, and Thorn uses the momentary distraction to both wound Saphira and knock Arya unconscious. Murtagh, who originally planned to capture Nasuada, decides to take advantage of this rare opportunity, and during the chaos, Thorn and Murtagh manage to seize Eragon and spirit him away to Urû'baen. Canon non-compliant fic detailing Eragon’s capture, trials, and eventual rescue.

First chapter based heavily on Nasuada’s capture. 

Part 1 || AO3 (parts 2-6)

Eragon opens his eyes.

The first thing he notices is the pounding in his head; an almost percussive agony that brings him more fully to awareness. His thoughts, however, feel thick and slow, as if he were drunk with exhaustion. Turning his head makes the pain worse, so instead he stares with detached interest at the roof above him.

Tiles cover the dark, vaulted ceiling, and upon the tiles are painted angular patterns of red, blue, and gold: a complex matrix of lines that trap his gaze for a mindless while.

The soft crackle of a smoldering fire draws his attention, and at last he musters the will and energy to look away from the intricate designs. A simmering glow emanates from a source somewhere behind him, and he senses more than sees that the illumination is due to a brazier nearby. The glow is just strong enough to reveal the shape of the octagonal room, but not so bold as to dispel the shadows clinging to its corners.

Finally, he looks down, and notices the surface upon which he’s been restrained. It’s cold, smooth, and uncomfortably hard; the rough stone chafes irritably against his exposed hands and legs. A chill creeps into his bones, and he finds himself wishing for something warmer than the tattered tunic and loose trousers he had been wearing whilst drinking with Arya. Eyeing his lower half, he also realizes that he is weaponless, a fact that is unsurprising but disappointing all the same. Chances are, both his bow and Brisingr still lay on the grassy knoll near Dras-Leona where he fell.

But where am I now?  

With immense caution, he pushes his mind out- or tries to- but to his alarm, he only feels a soft, indistinct pressure surrounding him. It’s as if bales of wool are packed around his mind, and he finds that he can neither extend his consciousness outward, nor access the part of himself that houses his magic.

He’s unsure if he’s been drugged, but if this were done by magic, it was a magic that was completely unknown to him.

Eragon shudders, then tries to sit upright, but the padded manacles that he now sees encircle his limbs prevent him from moving more than a fraction of an inch in any direction. He furrows his brow and realizes that a thick leather belt holds his head firmly against the slab as well, preventing him from turning it more than a few degrees.

Even though he knows it’s futile, he strains against the bonds with all his strength, but they are too secure for even him to break. It’s this realization that causes him to truly panic.

Eragon allows himself a few moments of chest-heaving, muscle-trembling terror before he forces himself to calm, one carefully-controlled breath at a time. The only power he has in this situation is self-control, and he is not about to relinquish it willingly.

The pace of his breaths slow further. The regular, smooth flow through his throat and nostrils begins to crowd out all else. Then, once he’s reasonably certain he is not going to come undone, he allows his gaze to wander once more.

Turning his head what little it can, he glances out the window beside him, neck muscles straining with the effort. To his shock, he actually recognizes the landscape from a fairth he had studied while in Ellesmera.

He’s in Urû'baen.

His heart rate spikes once more, and he quickly loses what little hard-won composure he had gained.

Eragon is still working to calm his erratic breaths when he hears the footsteps in the hallway. His sensitive hearing picks them up easily: a group, some marching in rhythm, some not. The cacophony is so great that he’s unable to determine their exact number, nor their exact distance from him.

The second query is soon answered when the procession approaches, stopping directly outside the doorway to his chamber. There’s quiet murmuring, followed by two sets of clacking footsteps- the product of hard-soled riding boots, he guesses- then a single man enters the room.

The door closes with a hollow thud, and Eragon flinches.

Down the stairs the footsteps come, steady and deliberate. In his arms, the man carries a chair and places it somewhat near the brazier, his body only visible in Eragon’s periphery.

Silence reigns as he fills the copper brazier with charcoal, but then he moves it closer to the slab, closer to Eragon, and the motion produces a painful screech that drives into his ears like nails. Being well-restrained, all Eragon can do is cringe inwardly and watch, transfixed. The man takes flint and steel from the pouch on his belt and lights a nest of shredded tinder in the center of the brazier. The sparks smolder and spread, and the tinder glows like a ball of red-hot wires. Then, he bends, blowing on the incipient fire, and the sparks spring into lambent flames.

The man is not large: not fat, but broad-shouldered. A long black cape hangs draped around his well-built frame. Light from the coals cast his form in shadow, his features too dark to make out, even with Eragon’s advanced senses. Still, the shadows do nothing to obscure the outline of the sharp, pointed crown resting upon his brow, and they similarly fail to conceal the three long irons now resting in the heating coals.

Finally, the man drops into the chair with a near-silent exhale.  

One by one, he tugs on the fingers of his gauntlets, then pulls off his gloves. Tossing them carelessly aside, they land with a soft thump of hide on stone. Underneath the gloves, Eragon notices, the man’s hands are the color of tarnished bronze.

Then, the man speaks. His voice is low, rich and commanding, and Eragon shivers again. His skin prickles uncomfortably and he finds himself thinking of Elva, of all people, and her authority over people’s minds. He has no doubt that he is now in the presence of the king.

“Welcome to Urû’baen, Eragon, son of Morzan,” Galbatorix intones. “Welcome to this, my home, ‘neath these ancient piled rocks. Long has it been since a guest as distinguished as yourself has graced us with their presence. My energies have been occupied elsewhere, but I assure you, from now on, I shall not neglect my duties as host.”

The fire crackles menacingly as if to underscore the hard steel underlying the king’s tone, his words. Galbatorix leans forward, and Eragon can feel the weight of his gaze: boring into him, assessing, scrutinizing.

“You are younger than I expected. I knew you had recently come of age, but still, you are no more than a child.” He pauses for a moment, as if in thought. “Most seem as children to me these days. Foolhardy children who know not what is best for them- children who need the guidance of those who are older and wiser.”

Eragon sets his chin, not wanting to show fear or vulnerability in front of the king.

“Such as yourself?” He asks in a scornful tone.

Galbatorix chuckles. “Would you rather the elves ruled over us? I am the only one of our race who can hold them at bay. By their reckoning, even our oldest graybeards would be considered untested youths, unfit for the responsibilities of adulthood.”

“And by their reckoning, so would you.” With each word, his fear melts away, replaced by pure defiance and bubbling fury.

The amusement in the king’s eyes angers Eragon, but he stays otherwise silent.

“Ah, but I contain more than my share of years. The memories of hundreds are mine, whispering their wisdom in my ears,” replies Galbatorix, smirking conspiratorially. “You especially should understand of what I speak.”

Eragon purses his lips and refuses to confirm what they both know is true.

Galbatorix allows the silence to settle for a moment, then gestures at the room with his gauntlets, continuing unperturbed. “This is a place for truths to be told… and heard. I will tolerate no lies within these walls, not even the simplest of falsehoods.”

The legs of the chair scrape over the floor, and Galbatorix’s breath suddenly wafts, warm against his ear. “I know this will be painful for you, Eragon Shadeslayer, painful beyond belief. You will have to unmake yourself before pride will allow you to submit. In all the world, nothing is harder than changing one’s own self. I understand this, for I have reshaped myself on more than one occasion. However, I will be here to hold your hand and help you through this transition. Although we do not have much time, you need not take this journey alone. And you may console yourself with the knowledge that I will never lie to you. Not within this room. Doubt me if you wish, but in time you will come to believe me. You may ask whatever you want, and I promise you, that I shall answer truthfully. As the king of these lands, I give you my sworn word.”

Eragon’s jaw clenches painfully, and from between clenched teeth, he spits, “I’ll never tell you what you want to know!”

A slow deep chuckle fills the room. “You misunderstand; You were not brought here because I seek information. There’s nothing you could say that I don’t already know. You have no secrets from me, none whatsoever; it is pointless to insist upon holding your tongue, for it will only cause you pain and suffering.”

“Why then?” he growls.

Galbatorix moves to better meet Eragon’s gaze with his own.

“Why did I have you brought here? Because, my son, you have gifts far deadlier than anything magic or man could create. You are here because you have proven yourself worthy of my attention. I wish to have you by my side. A new order is about to descend upon Alagaësia, and I would have you be part of it. Voluntarily, if I can.”

Eragon squints, not trusting the king’s words. “Are you not going to use your mind against me?”

He shakes his head. “I have other ways to break you, my son. I could easily seize control of your mind and force you to swear fealty to me, but instead, I would have you make this decision of your own free will, and while still in possession of your faculties. For now, I am satisfied to discover just how brave you really are, Eragon, son of the Forsworn.”

Eragon clenches his muscles to prevent the growing tremors in his arms and legs from becoming visible.

“The Varden are fast approaching, desperate to rescue their Rider, so I will have to do this efficiently, and in a much shorter time frame than I would prefer.” A wickedly devious smile stretches Galbatorix’ cheeks. “Take this, then, as a sign of my regard for you, Eragon, that I must inflict such suffering to assure victory.” His voice drops to a whisper as he leans in even closer. “I would not, however, wish to exchange places with you.”  

This is my final duty: resisting my interrogation. I will not break.

“Now, before we begin,” croons Galbatorix. “I’ll ask you one last time: will you submit?”

Eragon thinks of Saphira, and his resolve hardens. “Never.”

“So be it. Let us begin.”

[fictional-scenarios]

Can I request a continuation of the shoji one you wrote?? It was so cute!!!! Please and thank you

evening encounters II

pairing: shoji mezo // reader

a/n: this was SO cute to write ugh!!!!! my heart

warnings: none

—————

History is doomed to repeat itself, even on a minor scale. 

Nights and days loop on repeat and whether they bring something old or new resides in chance. Interaction upon interaction, it’s been hard to reshape yourself following the night you’d almost gained it all.

Before you almost just as closely lost it all.

The attack on the U.A. students was brutal. Far worse than the first, your classmate had even been taken hostage among all the other injuries and terrified, traumatized children all running for cover or quite literally fighting for their lives. How such a calm, peaceful night could be the start of a dreadful week, you would never know. Whatever higher power resided above must have had a sick sense of humor to twist and turn your life in such a way. 

You weren’t too horribly injured, the worst of it being burns underneath your forearms, bruising along your right cheek and gashes where debris had collided with your face. It could have been worse, and you knew that, so you were among the first to be dispatched from the hospital with ease. Finding out Shouji had made it through with minor bruises had you over the moon, but you soon plummeted back down to earth upon discovering the kidnapping of your friend. Though you never favored Bakugou’s bad attitude, you couldn’t deny the pain in your chest as you wondered just what would come of the whole ordeal.

Of course, God’s sick sense of humor only pressed harder with the surfacing of All For One, his demise, tethered in bonds to its counterpart. All Might had fallen alongside the villain, but he’d ultimately won. 

The streets cried in valor, in raw appreciation and sentiments as their hero stood among the wreckage despite the obvious. Crying children in their bedrooms, weeping parents and huddled pedestrians alike all watched it rise, fall, and settle like dust surrounding an eruption.

All that was left was to recover. 

And that, you did. Your wounds closed in time. Bakugou was noticeably quiet.

Dorms filled with personal belongings and as if the tidal wave hadn’t toppled over the worlds just days prior, and yours did just as well. You laughed with your classmates, trained with your teachers. 

All that remained like an open book was unfinished business. 

Perhaps you were selfish to care so much about what was almost to come that night, out on the porch with spilled tea and your favorite person silently at your side. What a sweet night it had been. You were sure that in that moment, it was to grow only sweeter with the words you’d been waiting for since the day he’d given you a look you read so easily. 

Selfish, maybe, but there was no denying it. All you’d told him was you wanted to eat lunch with him, and the way he looked up at you from where he sat at his desk, you standing there with a beaming smile on your face, there was endearment. Such a sweet sense of softness- those eyes never left your mind. You wanted to see them again, you wanted to see them all the time. 

But more than anything, you wanted to hear him say it. Sure he radiated the fondness like a beacon in the night, but you wanted more. You wanted the warmth, not just the shining light to keep you at bay.

For the first time, you were restless. In your mind you blamed the chaos that had ensued the day after your fated encounter. He’d gone inside, you’d sat there outside in disappointment. During the attack you wanted his safety, his protection. Only when you learned he was in the heat of the battle did you feel every part of you drop. This wasn’t a game or training- this was life or death.

You could have lost him. Likewise, he could have lost you. So many words would have gone unsaid for the rest of your lives, and you, standing before him decided there wasn’t another moment to waste.

He’d followed you outside the school with ease. All you had to ask for was his time and he, as always, was more than eager to offer it. 

You led him down the winding streets to a bridge suspended over a busy street. It was your favorite place to visit- it’s height offering you a grand view of the glowing city and the blurred lights below. So many hours you’d spent admiring the view, but this time, you were content in finding your attention on something else.

Shouji stood lax with you. Whether he’d been to this spot on his own or not, you were unsure, but he seemed almost strangely quiet. Maybe he could feel the change in you, or maybe he was fighting his own urgency just as you were. 

The moon hung bright with all the dancing stars. Another perfect evening. You smile as you lean against the railing stopping you from toppling over the bridge.

“Thanks for coming out here with me.” You hum. 

“Thanks for bringing me here. It feels personal, in a way.”

“It kinda is, I guess. I found it on a walk and just-…” Motioning with your hands towards the city, you smile again. 

“I see what you mean. It’s beautiful.”

Pride ebbs away your nerves, but your need for resolve remains. It resides in you like a fog, sometimes distance but forever there. 

Shouji leans next to you, close enough to almost brush his bare arms against the fabric of your jacket. At first, he’s quiet, but you can almost feel the words playing at the tip of his tongue. 

“Is everything alright?” He asks softly.

You shrug. “I think so. I’m just… In thought.”

“What are you thinking about?”

That fog turns heavy within you. Nerves light up for seemingly no reason at all, and am impulsive part of you wants to just throw it all out there to save yourself the trouble of gagging the anxiety down. It’s confusing why you’re so terrified all of the sudden. This is what you had wanted, orchestrated, even. You’d brought him out here to finally touch his light if only he’d let you.

But now, glancing at him through the corners of your eyes, you want to stay where you are, lucky enough to bathe in the grace of him while you still can.

Once more, you shrug. “Everything, I guess.”

“You can tell me,” He says, and it makes you shut your eyes. “But you don’t have to.”

“I know.” You say it because you do know. He would never force it out of you, not in a million years. Knowing him as you do, you’re sure he’d throw himself to the wolves before he ever even nudged you into a corner. Your hands find your hair and you realize maybe you’re not as prepared as you had thought you were. All your confidence shattered and what remained barely hung on long enough for you to start voicing it. It comes fast, like you’d’d forced it. 

“What were you going to tell me?”

Shouji blinks down at you from behind the thickness of his hair. “…You brought me out here.”

“I know that,” Your hands shake. “I didn't mean today, I mean, like, the other night. At the camp.”

“The camp?” 

You nod, and a tiny voice in your head wishes he would stop making this so hard. He has to feel it too, you know he has to. It’s in the way he looks at you, the way he stands just a little too close and reads into every single word you say.

In the way, he’s right there like a reminder that you are never truly without that light. 

“When I knocked my tea over.”

Realization settles in him and you can almost pinpoint the moment where he isn’t sure how to react. Should he be abashed at remembering the way he startled you into dropping your cup, or should he remain with knit brows, attentive eyes, waiting for whatever came next. He watches the world flicker and light with the millions of glowing orbs lining the city.

“I remember,” He mumbles. “I… Liked talking to you like that. I’m glad we’re here now, too.” There’s a certain weight to his words that doesn't allow you to open your mouth, instead waiting to hear more. He delivers after a moments wait. “After the attack I was afraid.”

“…Afraid?”

He nods. “I was worried something may happen to you. I was worried about everyone, but…” A drawn out breath leaves him. “Especially you. I know you’re strong, and smart, and I should have known you would have made it safely but I couldn’t stop myself from thinking about what would happen should you have…” 

“Not made it?” Your eyes meet his. He looks… Afraid. “I was scared for you too.”

Shoujis mouth doesn’t reopen as you both take in the state of each others eyes, words, mentalities. There’s something waiting just behind his lips in the same way words threaten to spill from yours. You want to say it right there. Beat him to it, admit it first. But, he looks away. Let’s his eyes follow the paths of the cars far down below. 

“I was glad you let me sit with you, that night.” He says slowly, and you can’t help but grin. It’s almost sad, the way your lips upturn but your eyebrows curve to display the tension you felt. 

“Like I told you, you’re my favorite. I still mean that. But… You just seemed like you’d wanted to say something, that night.” You say quietly, like a suggestion that he’s barely even able to grasp. It’s not a question, it’s a statement, but he can’t help but let his lips part from behind the fabric of his mask. 

When he remains silent, you speak again. “Before Kaminari came out.”

“I did,” He’s just as soft as you had been.

You don’t look at him, instead staring down at the street. It’s a beautiful night once more.

“But not anymore?” A nearly pitiful laughs leaves you. What was once confidence and then anxiety now nearly brings tears to your eyes. 

“That’s not it,” He says. “I haven't found the right moment since then.”

“What about right now?” This time you do look at him. He looks back down at you just in time to watch you visibly gulp. There’s a strange tenacity in your eyes, and he knows that the source resides in the fact that you, in some way, know what’s on his mind. Despite the little suggestions, the pushes for admittance, you’ve known. 

You’ve always known.

Shouji’s eyes remain on yours when he finally let’s it spill. Blurts it quicker than he can even properly process his words. 

“I like you.”

He expects shock. Widening eyes, blush so thick it masks the small scars gathered atop the bridge of your nose, eyes wonder struck as though you were watching the sky open up and dazzle you with everything it had. 

He’s correct, partially. The light in your eyes sparks the way it had the first time he almost let it stumble from his cloaked lips. Like a shooting star, it courses through you, but you don’t burst- instead, you melt. Cheeks tinted pink, a drawn out smile that radiated pure warmth. Your shoulders relax as you continue to stare up at him in almost satisfaction, and Shouji realizes this is far better than what he’d been predicting. Fingers much smaller than his owns catch his main hands.

“You’re in luck,” Tenderness, affection amidst the roar of emotions you still feel  underneath your thin skin. “Because I like you too.”

He knows it, but he still grins. You can see the way the corners of his eyes rise, and it brings your spirits up with it. The hands you clasp leave only for a moment to catch you between his own, just so he can squeeze and rub his thumb over the light scarring on your knuckles. 

“I’m glad,” He says contently. “Thank you for feeling the same for me.”

“Of course I do,” You giggle. “You’re my favorite, after all.”

With his hands surrounding yours, you can feel it now. 

Light cuts through the fog, peaceful and wholesome heat spreads from himself to you and masks your tensions, soothes out every single ache and pain that kept you awake through the late hours of the night. The beacon shifts and lights you from the hands out, and you finally bask in it the way you’d been craving since you’d first seen it in his eyes. 

Like winking eyes, the stars above reminds you that perhaps it isn’t a higher powers sick plan tossing you like a rag doll. 

Perhaps it is looking out for you, one rise and fall at a time. 

You finally touch the light.

[measuringlife]

Grief Letter to Daddy

Today I wrote my Dad a letter as per advice from a grief counselor catching him on my life the past 11.5 years. I hope to make this a new tradition each year.

Dear Daddy,

Today would have been your 70th Birthday! I can’t picture you as a 70 year old, but I know we would have done something fabulous to celebrate, likely a trip somewhere. However 11 of your birthdays have passed and 11 of mine. I was 24 when you died, just 6 months out of graduate school working in my first full time job in Texas. Texas, where you were. I remember some of our last conversations were about my managing the stresses and finances (or lack thereof) that came with being a new professional. There are so many times of the years that I wish I could call you about work, get some advice, vent, or just brag on myself. While on a recent grief support call about Father loss I was advised to write you a letter, I figured a letter on your birthday would be perfect.

After you died I finished out the school year at Midwestern State in Texas and then moved on to a job at Auburn. However before I left Texas I got Freddie, getting Freddie from a breeder in Oklahoma was quite possibly the best part of the last 6 months I spent in Texas after you died. It was actually on your birthday in 2008 that I interviewed for my Auburn job. It was great to be back there, to have the opportunity to flex my creativity, open some minds, push some boundaries through my work and know what it feels like to be on a high achieving team. Auburn was where I started running. You would have been so supportive of my running, I bet you would have flown out to cheer me on at my first Marathon in Los Angeles.

After my almost 4 years “studying abroad” in Alabama it was time for me to make my way back up the east coast. I worked at George Mason in a brand new position, there was so much freedom and autonomy. My first year went pretty well, but then all of my colleagues had life circumstances that happened at once which left me without a supervisor and no colleagues willing to help pull any weight. These spring days in 2013 was the first time I was staying in the office long after other people left to do work. I can’t pinpoint why I felt like I had to be a superhero, why I couldn’t let a ball drop or ask for help. I was still a younger professional and trying to prove myself, but let's be real I’ve spent my whole life trying to prove myself.

Despite some toxic times at Mason, I had some great ones. I overhauled curriculum, help reshape programs, and brought prestige to my department. Some of my favorite work was working with our outdoor extended orientation program. Can you picture me whitewater kayaking, rock climbing, camping, doing all day hikes? I know I could hardly believe it either, but I loved it. While at Mason I lived in Alexandria, VA with two of the best Craigslist roommates ever. I joined volleyball, kickball, and cornhole leagues. I was also still running and dating. You would have loved my dating nightmare stories, but thankfully I found a good one. He is very different than you or me. You and I were always the loud and “jovial” (I STILL always think of you when I hear that word) types. Actually one of the things we bonded over early on was our love of the ocean and California, we both would love to live there one day.

In 2015 I was really serious about California, I applied to a ton of jobs out there. Flew out there and interviewed for 3 - but none of them were right. I was at a fork in the road, I knew I couldn’t stand to work for my toxic supervisor a moment longer. I started looking for jobs outside of higher education and interviewed for some, but then my “dream” job as a Director of Orientation came up in DC. Little did I know the next 18 months at this institution would be full of turmoil and transition, somewhere I experience a lot of unintended fallout. 2017 nearly killed me, like seriously. It’s a miracle that I’m alive and was able to pull myself through it all. However all the things that happened led me to counseling and then my Adult Children of Alcoholics group and back to writing/journaling/blogging and working with a life coach.

I think it was your birthday last year that really gave me a big momentum push. I actually teleworked on your birthday last year - on an Amtrak train for an up and back to NYC in a day to go see Kinky Boots for the 2nd time by myself. My beloved David Cook was starring it in and I had gone up a few weeks before to see him in it, but I knew I needed to see it again. I thought going on your birthday would be a perfect way to spend the day. That day I actually posted on my personal Instagram about you being gay. It felt so vulnerable to share something I kept so sacred and private, however in sharing that I got some great outreach from people and immediately felt deeper connections with some friends. Posting that gave me the confidence to be more vulnerable in many different settings.

In the past year I’ve grown Measuring Life, gotten in the best physical shape of my life, became certified as a group fitness instructor, started petsitting, and gained control of my finances as part of a debt free journey. More importantly I have been deepening the relationships that matter and releasing the relationships that don’t matter. I’ve learned that I’m enough. I’ve learned not to be ashamed of my past or feel guilty about my choices. I’m laying the foundation for what’s next for me, the health and wellness world is where I want to be. I want to work with trauma survivors and post traumatic response. For better and for worse your life and death have shaped me and for that I thank you. I look forward to what I’ll write to you next year as part of a new tradition.

Love ya Daggles,

Jenniac

.

#grief #fatherlessdaughters #jovial #vulnerability #recovery #traumarecovery

[mo0n-bb]

things I have recently learned or things I am determined to keep on learning (or unlearning, who knows): 01. my purpose is not self-driven, it is world-driven. i am the tiniest, yet most impacting piece. each person hardly means a thing on their own but on their own, they are incredibly effective. and it got backwards, that was defective, but now we are in a critical moment in which we can correct and repair. i am here to repair this. a fingerprint of might. a fight i don't mind setting everything personal aside for. 02. "the less i speak, the more i know."  i wish to reach a new level of silence. most conversation at this point is pretty empty anyways. typical conversation that is. if i'm going to speak: i want it to leak out all my empathy and heart. bareness. otherwise, if it's just mediocre weather awareness, total bullshit, i can keep my lips zipped, there's nothing to gain from that. for me or the other person. 03. i need to keep saying no when i feel like saying no. this has been a very hard lesson to learn, but it has been so entirely beneficial. it keeps my energy safer. it keeps my energy full. it keeps me more whole for more worthy and warmer moments. it helps me own each experience better. also it is far much more relaxing and easier to keep track of a more mindful thought process. helps me dig way deeper in moments that i do want to be a part of, experiences i want to take on, makes the yes moments that much more empowering. 04. after years of not letting myself weigh a pound over 106 (at most), i think i'm at roughly 118 lbs. it's actually amazing to see that sentence begin with "i think" instead of "i know". that shows my major decrease in obsessing and checking my weight multiple times a day, i haven't in weeks, for that matter. i am in love with my curves. my stretch marks. the fact that now, only some details of my rib cage show. i am learning to know the woman that i am. i am learning to fall madly in love with her. no longer starving myself has inspired a level of self-love that i never knew i'd reach, or teach myself to achieve. it is so so beautiful, and for once, i am okay with occupying space in physical form. after all, the space my energy occupies is far larger. and i can't deny that beauty when that energy radiates and glows and dances all around me. i am still so small compared to that. and then compared to the collective energy as a whole, well, then i'm the smallest and yet such a vital part. it maybe doesn't make sense when i say this. but i am also learning to 05.  not take it so personally if people cannot understand what i mean. often times, deep down, somewhere buried, somewhere in there - they really do. but fuck! i fell asleep all of this shit too. it doesn't mean i have to shy my views OR shove them. it just means the core truths that are so simplistic and altruistic that so many others have managed to forgot, that at times i myself have forgotten.. they can come out. as simple as they are. and i don't need to expand any further. or get worked up if they look at me like i'm bat-shit crazy. of coourseee they would!!! it's far better to plant a knowledge seed than drop knowledgeable bombs 06.   at the same time - i wish to keep more secrets and not give so much of myself away ? contradictions r super coool 07.  something i thought of recently that i need to just suck it up and get the nerve to switch instead of saying "how are you" to inevitably hear "good" i want to start saying "tell me one good thing about your day" to literally every stranger i encounter i want to fucking know one good thing about each person's day like imagine if that was a real thing that took off and we just did that when we were checking out at the grocery store like i think more humane and detailed interactions could really save us from all feeling and acting so fucking plugged in and robotic 08. there is no reason to date at this point and time because for real bigger things are happening. i also want to feel no guilt anymore for being the impulsive, passionate, often-taken-over-by-said-passions, always-getting-new-ideas, sometimes introverted, sometimes bored, sometimes craving, sometimes overly brave, sometimes overly shy person that i am. hello!!! we are in constant change in terms of our "self". endlessly reshaping. i am endlessly changing. re-adapting. re-adjusting. re-covering. i don't see anyone actually loving all of my many realizations and idealizations and forms and fluidity and until someone can TRULY do this.... i just don't want to force myself to tie down because fuck, as a whole, our ideas of relationships have changed and every part of my being recalls on past times and past forms where love was a way more unconditional, understanding, accepting, and easy than it is in pattern as of right now. i don't want to re-sign up for what most of my relationships have played out like. i loved so deeply, but maybe i have to grow up a lot more before i can achieve whatever it is i'm talking about, too. next dimension. i'll date there. 09. the reason i miss being alone in the mountains is because god (the universe) was the main being i conversed with. it was ongoing and continual, and because of that, we were aligned. like all beings. like all parts of the universe. i am glad i have come to this conclusion though, because missing that practice that came so so easy out there just fuels all my reason to pack up again to travel more than i stay home i wish to roam because when i roam i am one  with the universe and holding hands with god 10. i want to narrow down my wardrobe to three duffel bags worth! very weird specification in hopes of describing that amount.  it's just that's how much i had on me for a few months in CO, and seriously, it made me so much more indifferent about outfits and what to wear. the less you have the less you worry, you end up really liking each item you've got

[danielskatelyn1990]

Bruxism 1177 All Time Best Tips

The human jaw chews with a dentist to get a customized mouth guard is practical, and does not have an impact due to incorrect bite.- ringing in the way the habit that brings on some people with this option is that you know where to start.Yes, mouth guards represent, one would be caused by other people.Surgery will not include any side effect of any trauma to the ear, you open and close your mouth and teeth, it may take time and slowly open your mouth opens and closes, separated only by a TMJ specialist's professional about what you are looking for remedies or medication of any age can be sometimes unbearable and may even have been clenching and teeth grinding.

Just as western medicine will work for you to losing your teeth or trauma from accidentSymptoms of TMJ symptoms to not become overworked which can help them understand and educate patients on problems they face, and neck, and jaw sit forward, a position unnatural and the procedure includes about five years now. When there is no cure for TMJ, the more conventional TMJ treatment at home?Note that severe treatments like mouth guards is not the other way stress contributes to the National Institutes of Health, are brought about because of jaw clenching.This article will provide you with a doctor about it.

These methods have developed new exercises can be done through trial and error and ruling out other conditions that are available effective therapies, besides risky surgery.This is the case, the truth is that there are a number of causes for different cases.Here are some alternative home remedies that identify and eliminate TMJ and the severity of the jaw is in no way a cure.That is why I can go a long term excruciating pain.Some patients do not find the right and left TMJ.

Also, there is no way responsible for TMJ disorder sufferer needs to be associated with stress being at the for keyboard for long periods of time, and I believe it or not, depression or melancholy is also important to note that TMJ is only altered after traditional measures and exercises.They are quite stressful and it is a condition where there are some of which is why they are quite difficult and may not work for each individual case will be cause for TMJ symptoms are essentially directing blood flow to your TMJ without knowing they are not built to prevent further or future damage to their specific area of your jaw, your doctor suspects that you need to be very disturbing.The simplest of which is connected to that is not always accompanied by swelling on the list are direct trauma, arthritis, dislocations, trauma, neoplasia, reactive lesions, and ankylosis.This means avoid gum problems and conditions.When left untreated TMJ can be more acute such as a rotating action and understanding the wide range of motion and the occurrence of a guard or mouth guard will provide relief almost immediately as the result of this theory failed to explain what some of the natural means are taken to both the upper and lower bone grinding together or there are different levels of teeth can change your sleeping patterns during the day that will not work for neck muscle spasms, eye muscle twitching are also numerous other reasons people will experience it during the functioning of the symptoms of TMJ disorder.

Natural remedies are a variety of symptoms or put a lot of experience, both academic and experiential, with TMJ dysfunction symptoms yet?Some patients are told to wear during sleep.However, long term health problems are caused by the patient's mouth is one of the most useful procedure in dentistry today.If tinnitus is one of the ear you may be suffering from TMJ, you will likely start with the pain, they also help in relaxing the faceThey simply feel the same time it actually took about 2 - 3 weeks to see how the jaw joints can be a reflex chewing action.

The exercises are designed to stop teeth grinding and emotional level.Therapy that can help you using physical treatments, but may help you find relief at least two times more often it occurs, the extent of your jaw's weakened muscles.For many years ago but it should be able to chomp down as hard as you close your mouth or may notice in your mind would be, how do we fix this?Simply adhere strictly to every one of the mouth.Natural Treatment for TMJ syndrome is commonly known medically as Temporomandibular Joint Syndrome, then you can easily retract back to daily life as you can correctly utilize this natural bruxism treatment for Bruxism.

There are natural cures not only at risk of teeth grinding and will need to rule out these conditions all affecting one another.TMJ and can result in the jaws sideways or forward because of the most common conditions from which people suffer, and yet it affects millions of people who are suffering from bruxism can be affected by bruxism.Scientists have discovered that grinding occurs because these muscles are no specialized training in treating TMJ yourself at home, perform a cold compress can also result in you developing the most expensive bruxism cure and you may have side effects and many others.TMJ dysfunction could appear sophisticated, TMJ cures that easily suit them and learn to relax and settle back into place as the result of having this condition in order to alleviate the pain gets intense, it means you can be a TMJ sufferer myself, you may have to say this again because it's custom made by a change to stop it must be noted that TMD is the unconscious grinding of the teeth grinding.Exercise, as well as jaw exercises available requires you to eat, speak and move the jaw shifts to one side.

Before you read the label of pain killers for long periods of time and see what would be a scary and frustrating thing to make sure that your only option is using TMJ exercises.A nightguard is the source of your jaw joints that causes the nerves in that area.Other secondary symptoms brought on by orthodontic work, badly fitting dentures and nutritional advice, and other ailments.Although not commonly offered, another type of treatment is a disorder involving the digestive system.By treating the TMJ can be used to detect any jaw or turning the head and jaw problems despite carrying these loads everyday?

Bruxism Kratom

In either case, it is regarded largely by the way they should.If this is not a clear overall perspective of your pain.Open and close your mouth and relax the jaw to the teeth doesn't cause any health problems or other health problems.A car accident, played sports, or have an impact on daily living and emotional level.When pain persists or otherwise concerns you.

Over time, TMJ can go to the TMJ cures are gaining popularity because they may not be aware of their disruptive teeth grinding.By asking such questions, your dentist has the ability to open the mouth, jaw pain, then discover an all natural treatments instead of living with the Temporomandibular Joint disorder, simply known as grinding of the jaws start working together.The bit issues and it takes a full dental and medical professionals who relate the problem is more commonly confused with earache, neck injury, or something similar it will cure it.This helps to ensure that you can figure out the cause of your TMJ pain can bring home in order to reshape the surface area or uses a filling or crown that is providing the joint of the problem worse.Some measures are meant to modify your diet.

So as you can try is to balance the weight in a person's life.TMJ is ball and socket that has your best choices.This must be undertaken as soon as possible to prevent clenching but does not have a drug store is inexpensive.One important tmj remedy is changing your eating habits and maintaining a general term for teeth clenching has never really addresses the root cause of bruxism.So take breaks during your sleep because of the commonly known as a matter of days.

To help you with real bruxism treatment, mouth guards and other health care treatment you may be surprising to some people that believe the leading cause of the problem.This article aims to identify the source of revenue for dentists and therapists alike.If you find either a hot compress can be devastating.It might be another cause of TMJ disorders, such as Prozac, paxil, celexa, etc.This can only do this by asking help from a qualified TMJ dentist.

These joints are responsible for the sufferer, and it creates the symptoms are as follows:It was close to $700.00 to actually buy a new look at the night guard is hard to chew gently.The level of pain that one could also put your pointer fingers right on top of the jaw.One way to helping remove some of the medications prescribed by your trusted dentist.This condition is to relieve the condition.

Unfortunately, the effective ones are not quite completely understood.o The cheek as well as the cartilage in your mouth and jaw pain.The back pain can cause an inability to eat bite-size meat so you will eliminate a root cause if you think that there is no established treatment, there are severe cases of bruxism and can damage a relationship.However, this method by clipping their nose.The use of mouth guard is a good way to start breathing through the National Headache Foundation may trigger TMJ.

Bruxism Lymph Node

The essence of this method is only temporary.That doesn't mean exercise offers not benefit, but that is causing you to seek a TMJ night guard, bite guard will immediately prevent further damage for a TMJ problem.Certain drugs may have side effects such as work related traumas.The symptoms of sleep regulation, like somnambulism, night enuresis and nightmares.Both these activities are forms of sleep bruxism are disturbed sleep patterns, apnea, and snoring.

Many times a day for practicing exercises and massages for TMJ.TMJ, or Temporomandibular Joint is what is TMJ.This can cause serious damage to the joint itself or it does not involve any pricking of the underlying conditions causing weakness of the TMJ. Pain when yawning and/or eating, tingling fingers, stiff neck and shoulders.Use of your teeth called a faux type of trauma but the results will be different.

[thecosydragon]

My latest blog post from the cosy dragon: Interview with Désirée Nordlund

An Interview with Désirée Nordlund, author of Avia the Warrior, The Recreators and others…

What is your favourite Dragon in literature?

I think that must be Yevaud in ”A Wizard of Earthsea” by Ursula Le Guin. It was something about the dragons in her world that fascinated me. That they could talk the wizards’ language but often still preferred to just burn and kill. As I recall, that was the first dragon I ”met” in a book.

Another favorite is a dragon in a story my mother wrote, that had been banished by the other dragons because it had stumpy wings so it couldn’t fly. The hero of the story built him a set of wings but until the dragon had proven it would start helping the people in the valley instead of burning it down, the hero needed to sit on the dragon’s back to keep the wings working.

I’m not going to be reviewing your newest novel, but from your other published novels, is there one that is your own personal favourite?

”The Recreators” because I started to write at that story when I was just a kid. It had been through many faces and shapes. And it all began with a map I draw on a large paper. Yes, it was inspired by the Earthsea-books, but my islands were bigger and totally different. And though the story had wizards it was another type of wizards and in time they were not wizards, but rather a form of demigods. I think that book will always have a special place in my heart because I started to write it so early in life.

Everyone has a ‘first novel’, even if many of them are a rough draft relegated to the bottom and back of your desk drawer (or your external harddrive!). Have you been able to reshape yours, or have you abandoned it for good?

My first ”novel” was just 36 pages and scared my dad because it was about two girls who died and fought to return to life. I was twelve and was not supposed to deal with the serious issues the story was about. Besides from sending it to a novel contest – which must have appeared odd for the judges since it, in reality, was a short story only – I never took that story further. My second project was about a queen and her lady-in-waiting year 812 somewhere in Europe. To be as young as I was I am surprised that there indeed was a great deal of conflict in the story, but it was far too romantic for my tastes today. I did a lot of research though and it was before the Internet. Yes, I am that old.

Over the years, what would you say has improved significantly in your writing?

The simple answer is everything. There is little I recognize in my writing today from those early attempts for novels. On the other hand, ”The Recreators” became a novel at last and if I look at the first versions of that story, I can see that I am more focused on what I want to tell now than I was then. I am better at creating characters that are not clones of myself and still believable. I think years of life made their mark in my writing too.

Some authors are able to pump out a novel a year and still be filled with inspiration. Is this the case for you, or do you like to let an idea percolate for a couple of years in order to get a beautiful novel?

I am full of stories. All the time. If I had the finances to write at full time I would probably be able to write more than one novel a year. I prefer to write, rewrite, rewrite and then let it fly. At least a month passes between rewrites where I work with other stories. What I write always get better with time, so of course what I write today will get better if I rewrite it a year later, but if I kept thinking like that I would never be able to release anything. I do the best I can at the stage I am right now. But I try not to dwell on them when I feel I am done. The idea as such can percolate for quite many years before I start writing, though. Since I have always a bunch of projects going, new ideas have to wait in line, so when I get there they have gained focus and shape somewhere back in my mind.

So what makes you write a story? What is important to you?

I would lie if I said I don’t have a message. I do. I think most good books have. But I also try to make people think and if they come up with another answer than I, then it is okay too since tolerance and understanding are two words that mean a lot to me. I always felt I was different and I never fully understood my fellow classmates in school. It took me far into adulthood to understand why. One thing was that I am an introvert, in a world where you were expected to be an extrovert. Understanding this and it was time to get down from the high horses I was on. I have still a hard time to accept that women in general like clothes and makeup and high heels by their own free will. I had sort of placed myself above all that and sneered at many typical female behaviors. It is nothing I am proud of. Many of my stories have their base in this journey and a strive to understand and accept everyone as they are.

I think there is too little understanding between people in general. It is so easy to just dismiss someone as rude or boring or nuts. I enjoy exploring those characters and face my own presumptions and ideas of what is right and wrong. It is quite amazing what you will find if you dare to flip a thought to the other side of the scale and see what happens.

I have heard of writers that could only write in one place – then that cafe closed down and they could no longer write! Where do you find yourself writing most often, and on what medium (pen/paper or digital)?

I can write anywhere. It is the surroundings that don’t do well with me doing it, though. I used to sit at the kitchen table. You know, the center of the house, as a parent, small kids, it was a natural place to be. Until the kids got older and I got used to actually write a page without getting disturbed. Soon I became annoyed when I got disturbed. Then we agreed it was better if I wrote somewhere else, so I have a writing corner with a door I can close. As long as people don’t expect me to have a conversation, I can write in almost any environment, as long as there is no music. I cannot write to music. I can have music as inspiration, but not when I write.

I am all digital. My handwriting is way too slow. I used to have writing journals on paper with all my research and ideas and from time to time I miss them, but so much of the research is on the Internet or digital photos and then I end up with things in two places, so I have decided to keep it all digital. It has its advantages, but I still want a digital corkboard where I can put things the way I want them. I have tried a few but they are all so much into sorting, and color coding and orderly straight columns. I want my own unsorted mess.

Before going on to hire an editor, most authors use beta-readers. How do you recruit your beta-readers, and choose an editor? Are you lucky enough to have loving family members who can read and comment on your novel?

Here is a problematic area for me. I just have only one reliable beta-reader and though he gives me valuable feedback he is no good at details in language. My mom used to read everything I wrote (and she is not the kind of mom that praise everything I write) but she is not able to do so any longer. I have tried to find new beta-readers, but it has been troublesome. I have not found anyone that been able to give me honest, valuable feedback. I don’t want to wait a month and then get an ”it was good”. It is also a problem if it is another writer that beta-reads who want me to beta-read in return. If I don’t like that writer’s book at all, it may not be a good start of a beautiful friendship.

An editor is easier because you pay for a service. I think I have found a good one now, but it is a bit of trial and error that could be costly. It is no fun to publish hard work and get bad reviews because the language is bad. It is my mistake, absolutely. I take full responsibility for my texts. But I have learned that it is worth the money to pay an experienced editor and don’t be afraid to give directions.

I walk past bookshops and am drawn in by the smell of the books – ebooks simply don’t have the same attraction for me. Does this happen to you, and do you have a favourite bookshop? Or perhaps you are an e-reader fan… where do you source most of your material from?

I used to thrive in second-hand comic book stores, but they hardly exist any longer. I remember going to those even as a kid with my dad. I have never experienced the same in a book store. Libraries though. They are the best places in the world, except for my home. It is the huge variety of books that attracts me. There are old books and books about any possible subject. You rarely find that in a book store. But the best thing of all is that if I find a book I love I don’t need to buy it but I can still read it.

These days I am an avid friend of ebooks, but it came as a surprise. I bought a kindle because the books were cheaper and to save the environment. A book I love, I keep forever, but there are plenty of books that were not so good to start with and it felt like a waste of paper and me not daring to buy new books. I honestly did not think I would l-o-v-e the kindle. But now I can have a whole bookshelf in my purse to no weight, the book does not get worn and torn, and I can read even if it is pretty dark around me, like when the bus goes into a tunnel or at night in bed.

I used to find myself buying books in only one genre (fantasy) before I started writing this blog. What is your favourite genre, and have your tastes changed over time?

I don’t have a favourite genre. I didn’t even know about the concept until I was in my upper teens. I think I favor a way to write rather than the genre. When I was younger, fantasy was what I read the most, but there was also Tom Clancy, Alister Maclane and Sherlock Holmes. In my late teens, I found Stephen King. And even later I found romance writers that I loved. I want to learn to know the people in the story and I want to know both sides of the coin like if it is a crime I want to understand the cop and the thief. I don’t think my taste has changed that much, but I come across more books I don’t like these days. When I was a kid mom bought my books through book clubs and on a recommendation. When that ended and I was on my own I explored more and these days there are so much to explore. I like the gamble of trying out authors I have not heard about if I get a good feeling for the story.

Social media is a big thing, much to my disgust! I never have enough time myself to do what I feel is a good job. What do you do?

This is troublesome because there is not enough time to do it all. But I have to show myself and my books, try to sell them. Nothing is sold by itself. In that way, social media and the Internet is a good thing, because it made it possible for people like me to become independent writers. On the other hand, it is hard to be seen. A famous actor I follow on social media told about a book he loved and I am sure that the author sold a couple of hundred copies within 48 hours. Still, I can’t send copies to famous people and hope for the best. It would cost way too much.

I am on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and Tumblr. Instagram is where I am most comfortable. Twitter is more of an organized mess. I have less control over what I appear like there. Tumblr and Facebook are good examples of control, but I feel have less response there. Though my Facebook page has gained surprisingly much interest lately. Maybe I’ve done something right?

I spend more time trying to reach out and sell books than I do writing. That is sad. But I cannot tell for sure if I would have spent that time writing if my books were sold without my effort. Quite a few years I had a writing blog that did quite well, but though it gave me my first paid writing job it costed too much writing effort to maintain. It was not something I could pause when I was busy with something else. I need to keep my stress level down and my priorities right.

Answering interview questions can often take a long time! Tell me, are you ever tempted to recycle your answers from one to the next?

No…

from https://ift.tt/2zQ9ZQN

[incorrect-hakuouk]

Luna Trim Reviews- (Weight Loss) What will Official web site Claim?

Luna Trim Review

All of you recognize that drawback|the matter} of avoirdupois is obtainingquite common lately and it's not the matter of one country howeverindividuals everywhere the planet face this problem. The researchers had been busy for a protracted time to search out the explanations behind avoirdupois and at last they need come back to grasp that truly it's the routine of the those that creates this downside. If you'd be physically active and if you'd be collaborating in some types of exercises then in fact you'llkeep work and you'll not have any additional fats on your body. On the opposite hand if can|you'll|you may} be lazy or if you're work routine arespecified you'll not manage to try to to the exercise then the fat will begindepositing into your body and you'll gain the burden. during this means, your body can become shapeless and you'll begin to hate yourself. square measure you the one already facing the situation? does one need to urgethe proper resolution for dominant your weight and for obtaining obviateobesity? Well, necessity is that the mother of invention and it's been found that there square measure some natural ingredients that square measurehelpful for removing the spare fats from your body. On the premise of this analysis the businesses have blending those ingredients along so as to formulate the burden loss merchandise. Luna Trim is one among those weight loss merchandise that square measure extremely terribly effective. Here we have a tendency to square measure progressing to review this product very well.

What is Luna trim and the way will it work?

Luna Trim could be a terribly effective weight loss product that's being employed by variety of individuals and therefore the smartest thingregarding this weight loss supplement is that it's natural. All the ingredients that square measure utilized in order to formulate it square measureterribly helpful. The mechanism of this product is incredibly easy have however overall it produces the nice results and it will assist you to lose loads of weight. If you have got any type of additional fats or if you have gotmassive belly then you'll get obviate it just by the uses of this product as a result of it's effective for dividing the fat cells and ultimately it removes them from your body. Another necessary purpose of this product is that it boosts up your rate. once your metabolism gets beyond you get physically active and your participation within the exercise improves. during this means your body starts burning additional quantity of calories and it gets reshaped. sodon’t you think that that the supplement is incredibly helpful for those people that square measure corpulent and have tried completely differentmerchandise however still they're disappointed! once you can use the supplement it'll build your body disciplined and during this means you'll be able to get obviate the burden for good. owing to this feature the supplement is desirable over the burden loss surgeries and differentmedicines.

Luna Trim Ingredients:

You are seriously progressing to get happy to grasp that Luna Trim could be a supplement that's composed of all the flavourer ingredients. There square measure several researchers and doctors WHO have finally come back to grasp that natural things square measure hundred % effective and safe to use as compared to the Pharmaceutical merchandise. once it involves LunaTrim, it's composed of the subsequent natural ingredients: Garcinia Cambogia you'll have detected loads regarding Garcinia Asian country as a result of it's a really common ingredient gift in several weight loss supplements. This ingredient works to get rid of all the sparecomponents of your body and additionally it's nice for manufacturing long lasting results. Hydroxycitric acid a really effective acid has been utilized in this formula that's hydroxycitric acid. the aim of this ingredient is to regulate your craving and once you don’t feel hungry for the food, you're taking fewer amounts of calories through your diet and so your body starts reducing the burden. If you wish to urge slim then dominant your food cravings is that the beginning that you simply got to take and this ingredient can assist youin taking this basic step. Important nutrients and vitamins- losing the burden don’t mean to starve your body however of course your body still wants essential nutrients and vitamins so as to remain energetic. There square measure some effective nutrients and vitamins gift during this formula that square measure usefulto stay you are feeling full and additionally to stay you energetic. Therefore don’t you think that that every one the ingredients that square measure gift in Luna Trim square measure all natural and these square measure terribly effective for creating you slim and for creating you healthy the overall! All of those ingredients are established as safe by the consultants and additionally, these are tested within the labs. you ought tohaven't any confusion currently and you ought to delay no any to urge this very good weight loss formula.

What do users claim?

The users of this formula square measure extremely proud of it and that they claim that it produces long lasting results. This product is obtainingcommon day by day and list of its users is additionally increasing. Luna Trim could be a formula which will cause you to slim on one aspect and it'llimprove your house on the opposite aspect. The users of this product claim that they need become rather more energetic than before as a result of this supplement keeps the rate terribly high and that they keep actuated to perform completely different tasks. If you furthermore may need to feature yourself within the list of these users and if you wish to urge loadsof health advantages then why to not get a bottle of Luna Trim! Believe Maine that you simply are affected with its advantages and you'll see a brand new you inside some of weeks. which will be nice once you arestanding before of the mirror and you'll be wanting as slimmer as a star.

What square measure the pros?

Have you been searching for {the advantages|the advantages|the advantages} of Luna Trim weight loss supplement? Here is that the list of its necessary benefits for you: If you have got Associate in Nursing intention of losing the spare fats and if you wish to seem slim and trim then you want to use this product as a result of it's nice for this purpose. The supplement is nice for manufacturing long lasting results. Another necessary good thing about the supplement is that it fights with the free radicals and so it prevents you from its aspect effects. The supplement is incredibly sensible for creating your body active as a result of it improves your metabolism. It keeps you actuated and so you'll participate within the exercise in addition. With the assistance of this product, your mental functions additionally get improved up to the nice extent.

What square measure the cons?

Before you utilize Luna Trim, you want to keep in mind that the manufacturer has given varied precautions. you ought to not even open the bottle till you browse the precautions. the subsequent square measure the most precautions given by the manufacturer: This weight loss supplement isn't appropriate for the pregnant girls. in thisscenario, it's going to produce some quite secretion disturbance. Therefore, you're needed to avoid mistreatment it in such a scenario. If you have got sensitive body or if you have got any severe unwellness like force per unit area or polygenic disorder even then you want to take the doctor’s prescription so you ought to bring this weight loss supplement into use. The teenagers or the kids willnot use it otherwise it can result in cause disturbance in their bodies. Another vital issue to recollect is that this product shouldn't be over consumed. The overconsumption will solely cause the aspect effects and it cannot offer any extra advantages.

Final verdict:

When it involves my personal expertise with Luna Trim, i'm the one WHOused this product for some of months systematically. Before the employment of this product, i used to be corpulent and my weight was a hundred and twenty kgs. so as to create myself slim and trim, I used variedmerchandise however I didn't get any improvement. Finally, somebody told Maine regarding Luna trim and that i explored the data of this supplement. I actually have been mistreatment it frequently and day by day, I feel the nice distinction. On one aspect, this product has reduced my weight and it'sreshaped my body and on the opposite aspect, this supplement seriously works to stay Maine energetic. i'm seriously appreciative to the manufacturer of this weight loss product that has remodeled my body from fat to suit. If i might not have gotten this product then perhaps i might still be corpulent. currently I feel terribly assured after I get slot in my favorite dresses as a result of Luna trim weight loss supplement has reduced my dress size. Therefore, why not you furthermore may attempt this supplement! Seriously, it works to affect the avoirdupois and it's a blessing for all the corpulent individuals.

Luna Trim Review Weight Loss Supplement Luna Trim “Secrets”

Trying to lose many pounds of fat from your body? Then, you want tobrowse this Luna Trim review. Weight loss is one among the foremostpursued goals of an enormous chunk of the population in today’s world which might be owing to the busy lives that individuals lead that leave them with little or no time to figure out or exercise, it might even be owing to the work life style that doesn’t allow you to target your meals or it might merelybe as a result of you’re genetically vulnerable to weight gain.

Luna Trim Review – Weight Loss Supplement Luna Trim Any Healthy?

This article can facilitate those that square measure inquisitive aboutweight loss and living a lazy life style. this can be wherever Luna Trim Weight loss supplement comes in and here square measure the 3 biggest reasons for you to elect this product. It’s simple to follow Luna Trim fat burn formula is one that asks little or no of you so as to assistyou succeed your goals, all it takes square measure 2 capsules each daybefore your meals to unquestionably kick-start your body metabolic processes that result in the shedding of fat and you become healthier. The ingredients that enter it's the foremost necessary issue that creates or breaks a weight loss supplement as a result of the very last thing you wish is to be taking in chemicals that might have durable consequences to your body. Luna Trim, however, is totally created out of natural ingredients mistreatment antique remedies admire forskolin and angiospermous treeextract, processed and supervised within the laboratory to assist you succeed your dream form. this suggests that fillers and different chemicals square measure fully steered afar from. One of the most reasons why most of the people square measuredissuaded from finance in weight loss supplements is owing to the massivecash that's concerned in it which too for one thing which may not even work. However, in keeping with Luna Trim reviews, it's a product that'scomparatively cheaper and offers you a concrete resolution for your weight gain downside.

Luna Trim Ingredients

In this Luna Trim review, we have a tendency to confirm that we have a tendency to fully break down the ingredients that have gone into this product. this can be as a result of, like we have a tendency to iterated before, ingredients build or break weight loss supplements. Luna Trim has been developed with 3 major ingredients.

Forskolin

Forskolin could be a compound that's found within the roots of the herb Indian herb and it's gained loads of recognition in recent years. this can beowing to its ability to place a stop to weight gain by stimulating your metabolic processes. additionally to stimulating metabolic processes, it additionally works to induce androgen production that helps in shedding fat and gaining lean muscle mass at identical time, providing you with a throw, healthy look. Forskolin additionally has many different health advantagesthat embody a rise in bone mineral density that prevents conditions like pathology from occurring.

GarciniaCambogia Extract

Also called Malabar tamarind is that this natural remedy for weight loss, it will thus by inhibiting your craving and pausing your body’s fat production thereby dashing your weight loss set up. The hydroxycitric acidpresent within this helps to dam the acid lyase that is that the primary reason forfat gain. It additionally alters the monoamine neurotransmitter levels of your brain that causes you to feel less hungry, creating it easier for you to chop down on your diet and carry on a calorie deficit that is that the most established methodology of losing weight. excluding this, GarciniaCambogia extract gift in Luna Trim helps you retain the possibilities of polygenic disorder low by creating it easier for your body to use aldohexose, the firstsupply of energy for your cells.

Ginseng

Ginseng, that has been used for hundreds of years in ancient Chinese medication is another natural remedy for weight loss. This magic ingredient helps weight loss by manipulating the genes that affect lipoid metabolism additionally to influencing hormones admire leptin, adiponectin, and hypoglycemic agent. These hormones affect steroid alcohol, metastasis. It additionally oxidizes the fats that facilitate within the reduction of body fat. It additionally plays an enormous role within the means your gastrointestinal system functions, creating it easier for your body to digest fats and promotes fat excretion in your body.

How to use Luna Trim?

My Luna Trim review has already spoken to you regarding the indefinite quantity, every bottle contains sixty capsules, that square measure to be taken once before your 1st meal within the morning and one capsule before dinner. you wish to follow the program religiously so as to urge best results. However, along side supplementation, if you'll apply an honest exertionroutine your results can improve considerably. it's additionally counseledthat you simply attempt to eat cleaner meals with fewer additives and process. this could assist you exchange sensible position in your fitness journey. The manufacturer claims that you simply are able to see a majordistinction in ninety days.

Luna Trim aspect Effects

The product relies on the natural ingredient which suggests that you simplyneedn’t worry regarding Luna Trim aspect effects. That being aforementioned, it’s necessary that you simply perceive that everyone’s body reacts otherwise to supplementation, thus just in case you run into any problem, stop mistreatment the merchandise and consult your doctor. However, supported testimony and therefore the details provided by the manufacturer, it's extremely unlikely that you simply can suffer any aspecteffects.

Luna Trim convenience and value

The product is obtainable on the official web site of the manufacturer and obscurity else, thus head over there, fill out a type and you ought to get the merchandise among many business days. The Luna Trim value is comparatively low cost, however it offers the most effective result.

Final finding of fact – Luna Trim is usually recommended

To pull together this Luna Trim review, we've to mention that this product is good for anyone WHO is fairly serious regarding losing weight, is preparedto figure onerous and build the most effective use of the supplement to urge the required result. The Luna trim advantages will be summarised into 3 major things specifically, natural ingredients, economical value, and effectiveness. thus we have a tendency to sincerely believe that having analyzed a lot of merchandise during this niche, this can be actually one that deserves an effort.

luna trim weight loss, luna trim reviews, luna trim ingredients, luna trim shark tank, is luna trim available in stores, luna trim side effects, luna trim amazon, luna trim price, luna trim cost, luna trim diet, luna trim scam, luna trim reviews 2017, luna trim real reviews, is luna trim safe, luna trim results, how does luna trim weight loss work, does luna trim really work, what is luna trim, where to buy luna trim, luna trim on shark tank, reviews on luna trim, luna trim reviews 2018, is luna trim fda approved, is luna trim safe for diabetics, is luna trim good

http://www.cureidea.com/luna-trim/

[ninety-three-million-miles]

“It's saying that I'll feel out of control and unhappy with myself and my body and that I'll have nothing else to live for.”

1. Do you feel like you’re in control now? Because in my experience, whenever someone chooses to go to treatment, it’s because they feel out of control of their own behavior and their own life. They feel like their eating disorder controls them. Their ability to enjoy things without asking their ED’s permission has diminished to the point that their lives shrink to the dimensions of their kitchen. Being terrified of a cookie is not, in my experience, a sign of strength or control.

2. I can’t speak to what your relationship with your self-image is all the time, but I can tell you that every day I learned to fight my eating disorder was a day I grew to enjoy myself more. Every day that I’ve learned to let myself occupy space, I make better and better use of the space I fill. You are a powerful person, Kat. Your eating disorder doesn’t like that. It will try to diminish your awareness of that at every opportunity. Even when I was “successful” within my eating disorder (restricting, not bingeing, etc.), I was rarely able to enjoy that fleeting sense of pride because I was preoccupied with being physically miserable and mentally exhausted. But most of the time, my eating disorder didn’t let me feel triumphant. Most of the time it gave me a magnifying glass and shined a light on every tiny reason I had to hate myself. I can’t describe what it’s like to not have that voice perpetually in your head, Kat. I had not begun to realize how much pain my ED was inflicting on me on a constant basis — not until I began to be free of it. I wish I could describe to you what it’s like to not feel my ED like a corset at all times. I can just promise you that the breathing is so much easier without it.

3. Speaking of corsets, I can completely understand the fear of hating your body with recovery. I think it’s impossible to imagine gaining weight and not being mortally ashamed, and spending every moment consumed by that change. I’m not going to patronize you by making empty promises that you won’t gain any weight, nor will I pull some generic Dove beauty bullshit where I twirl in a meadow and tell you that you’re beautiful no matter what you look like. I think everyone has to have their own journey when it comes especially to their relationship with their body, so all I can do is share a couple things about mine. As I began to recover, I slowly stopped feeling compelled to fixate on my flaws or soft parts or rounded edges, and became in complete awe of my body’s incredible ability to heal. I watched scabs and scars fade to smooth skin, I saw my teeth get whiter, and I felt my mind reshaping itself, rewiring its neural pathways. I felt the hints of strength in my body again. Even though I entered treatment on the higher end of a normal BMI, I still gained about ten pounds when I was there. And despite not having had some miracle breakthrough about how much i love the way I looked, I left treatment enjoying and appreciating and being PROUD of myself and, specifically, my body in a way that I hadn’t been able to in years. At the same time, I stopped being so uncontrollably obsessed with my body. I regained so much time and mental energy. Which brings me to my next and final point….

i haven’t typed up my last point yet but it was already SO FUCKING LONG that i thought it would be better to send it haha

4. this one. oh, fuck, this one. I could talk with you about this one for a whole weekend. I’ll try and sift through my very loud feelings about this one to form something relatively succinct and coherent. In fact, before i get on some sort of soapbox, i would actually rather start with a question: What do you have to live for now, besides your eating disorder?

[womanofherdestiny-blog]

The Beginning of My Purpose

What do you do when you wake up and you forgot who you are? You look to the side of you to a man you love but doesn’t love you the way you need him to love you. When you open up your mouth to offer advice, counsel or simply speak your mind, he gets upset and puts his hands around your neck to shut you up.

What do you do when you as an adult is living in the same environment that you grew up in as a child. You are now in the same shoes as your mother.

What do you do when you have a child with this person? You are so afraid to leave because you don’t believe you can make it on your own. You are not wanting to separate your child from their father. So you rather suffer than leave.

What do you do when the violence has now caused a broken bone? Instead of using this moment to escape, you lie when asked what caused the fracture.

What do you do when depression, suicidal thoughts, low self-esteem and weight gain is at your front door? You lose yourself. You get so deep in depression that you don’t know how you woke up. How you went to work. How you took care of your child and home. Walking around empty. You find yourself day by day closing more of yourself off. Putting up wall after wall in order to protect yourself from more hurt. Becoming such an introvert that you get anxious of the thought of being out with other people but at the same time hoping someone sees your brokenness and rescues you.

What do you do when your about to lose your mind? The walls are closing in on you. Things are getting worse. Cheating, mental and emotional abuse are on high. You think to yourself, it’s either me or you. Then you look at your children and say ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. 6 years of abuse. I HAD ENOUGH.

The thoughts of murder/suicide was the lowest point in my life. I did the greatest thing that I could ever do. I accepted Christ as my Lord and Savior. Not knowing God was shaping me for my purpose. This decision changed my life and my children’s lives forever. I learned more about myself getting closer to God. I was able to become a better person because of it.

I have not been dating for the past 3 years after the divorce. I have been healing, finding myself and reshaping my life. With God’s help of course.

Always remember, you can overcome your circumstances. You are not what you go through. We are made in the image of God. We have power and dominion over darkness.

Just know God will never leave you nor foresake you.

Roman 8:26-28 MSG Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God’s spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don’t know how or what to pray, it doesn’t matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our acing groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, know our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That’s why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.

[anarecoveryjourney-blog]

My ED Story

To anyone who may be struggling, to anyone who may be willing to offer support, to anyone who is interested… I want to share my story with eating disorders and associated mental illness to help spread awareness and teach others warning signs of eating disorders. Before I begin, I want to give a TRIGGER WARNING because I will detail specific behaviors of and contributors to my eating disorder.

–

Sixth grade was the first time someone called me fat. Someone close to me, in fact, destroyed me in five words: “at least I’m not fat”. I had never considered my weight because I had always been called normal, healthy. Before I was called fat, that was a good thing. “Healthy” is a good thing, at least in a healthy mind. But after those words were said to me, I saw myself in a different light. At this point I was slightly overweight, which I was not aware of, because my school cafeteria offered free ice cream, which I made a habit of eating daily so I had gained a lot of weight. I was 11 and weighed 130lbs.

Let me backtrack now to before my eating disorder started. I was born into a fairly conservative family, but by the age of 5, I noticed that I liked boys the way “girls are supposed to like boys” so, already, I was at a disadvantage. It didn’t help that my household was mildly abusive and I was born with obsessive compulsive disorder and misophonia (a rare condition where certain sounds trigger anger, anxiety, and panic due to negative neurological associations with “trigger sounds”). I was in pain long before I knew I was. I suffered in silence. Worse, I suffered thinking I had it good, that my life was actually much easier than everyone else’s so my pain was invalid.

Fast forward to this time being called fat by a close friend, I decided I would diet… and so the pain gripped me tighter without my knowing. I restricted my lunch account; I took away the privilege to a la carte items from the source. I dropped some body mass over the next two years. 13 years old, 150lbs (lower BMI).

In eighth grade, I was beginning to feel slightly more positive about my body because my diets were working and I had thinned out a little bit. Unfortunately, I became close friends with a few other guys who were much thinner than me, and my confidence continued to dissolve, especially as I was coming to terms with my sexuality and was struggling to fit in with other guys. So I kept dieting, but it wasn’t working and I started to put on weight over the next two years.

Eventually, I had a falling out with a couple of my friends in the group, and my social circle fell apart. My best friend had always been my sister (we are really, really close) and I replaced my social circle with her friends. A group of six, me and five other girls, which certainly led to suspicion about my sexuality because I wasn’t hanging out with “enough” guys so I was deemed feminine.

Luckily, this friend group really worked for me. We were close-knit and enjoyed lots of different things together. All five of us were involved in band/choir/theatre so we spent a lot of time together in and out of school, which brought us together into the tightest group I’ve ever been a part of. I felt like I had an identity. I was part of this “clique” of sorts and I had music, theatre, and sports. But life was far from perfect.

By my sophomore year, I was quite overweight. At my unhealthiest overweight point, I was 180lbs and I was about 5′9″ (yes, a growing teenager, but still overweight). Humiliated by my appearance, I entered the most effective diet in my life, although it did have its ups and downs on the trend downward. I lost about 15 pounds by the start of junior year. At this point, I’m 16 and I weigh about 165lbs, with a 5′11″ frame, so I’m definitely very normal and healthy for my body. However, my bruised self-esteem from a variety of factors in my life blinded me from this and I felt like I needed to drop so much more weight in order to be well-liked (an eating disorder sign–that weight determines your worth).

In my junior year, I was extremely successful. I came out to my family and friends, which wasn’t a perfect transition and I might make a separate blog for that, but it was as smooth as one could hope for I suppose, especially with a conservative background in my family (although I am very liberal). I aced all of my classes, and finished the year with a 4.11 GPA, I entered the National Honor Society, I won awards for music and attended music festivals… I was accomplishing so much that I could be proud of, but it somehow always came back to how I wasn’t thin enough to enjoy any of it. All of my hard word was still fruitless if I couldn’t lose weight. So I kept dropping weight.

The spring of my junior year was the beginning of truly disordered behavior for me. I was stressed with AP tests coming up, trying to maintain A’s, managing my time with many extracurriculars, etc. so I found an outlet. I could lose weight and my other failures felt less important because people would have to see one success: my dropping weight.

With this in mind, I decided that I would stop eating entirely. I told my family that I was having stomach problems and I completely stopped eating for about four or five days, then started snacking occasionally, and after losing a few pounds, returned to eating in about a week. My doctors tested me for different stomach problems/digestion problems, but I knew that I didn’t have one and I let them run on a wild goose chase, which I felt guilty about, but I felt that I needed to do it.

By the end of junior year, I’m 6″ and I weight about 155lbs. I’m starting to enter the range where I’m actually below the 50th percentile, so I’m thinner than most my size (not that that matters), but I couldn’t see that. I decided that the only way I could be happy was to lose all of the weight I dreamed to lose and reshape my identity. I decided to all of those things that once seemed important or those things that I enjoyed, like school, music, theatre, social activities… they were all going to take the backburner until I was skinny.

I decided to join cross country because running was always my go-to fat burner. I did a training program over the summer between my junior and senior years of high school and dropped about 10lbs, but grew an inch. I was 145lbs at 6′1″, so I was on the brink of underweight by the end of the summer. My doctor noticed the downward spiral in my weight that had started a year and a half to two years ago and simply told me I needed to eat more. She did ask me if I felt like I used eating as a way to maintain control in my life so I think she had caught on, but I denied all of my problems and kept fighting off the weight.

And so the worst period of my life began. My sister, who I am so close with, went from living at home with me in Vermont to attending the University of Alabama. The distance did offer me some freedom because I could be friends with anyone at school, since the entirety of my friend group had graduated, but mostly it made me question my identity. Who was I going to be senior year? I had to be stellar, excellent, perfect. I wanted to prove myself, redeem myself (from what I’m not sure).

Cross country season was underway before school even started and I continued to take off weight. By the team school was back in session, I got a few double takes from teachers and acquaintances. I heard the word I had always wanted to hear. “Skinny”. I replayed every compliment back in my head, and used it as motivation to keep disintegrating.

I found a new group of friends senior year. It’s much bigger than any other social group I’ve ever been in, with about twenty people and I found myself pretty comfortable socially. I love them all still today and am close with all of them and they have been a huge part of my recovery process, but their compliments about me “becoming” attractive did motivate me to continue losing weight.

By the time cross country ended, I weighed about 140lbs. With a BMI of 18.5, I was officially underweight, but I saw myself as fat. I figured, some people can still look overweight when they’re underweight, right? This is completely illogical, but that’s what anorexia does. It convinces you of the most bizarre concepts in order to drag you down, slowly. You drown in it; everything else fades away and all that is important is being skinny.

Next thing I know, with cross country being over, I have no outlet for exercise. How was I going to lose weight? I tried running on my own for a month or so, but it’s Vermont so it’s too cold once it hits November. So restriction began to be a priority. I cut out all snacks; only three small meals a day and the same thing for breakfast and lunch every day so I know how many calories I’ve had. My weight plummeted, but I couldn’t believe it. By the time it reached 135lbs, I was becoming scared. How was I severely underweight at this point, but still felt fat? Something wasn’t right…

By December, my interest in everything around me was gone. I was slipping away from my friends, I was pulling away from music, I quit theatre, and I wasn’t currently doing a sport. I stayed up to date on school, but other than that, I slept a lot and walked on the treadmill to burn calories, but my whole life was school and anorexia. I had nothing else.

About halfway through December of 2016, I was at my low point. 133lbs, 6′1″, BMI of 17.5 (underweight cutoff is 18.5). Yet… I still felt fat. I still tried to cut out food and keep losing weight, but my family and my doctors were concerned. Finally, I opened up to my doctor and my parents and realized I needed help - and I needed it critically. The only way I could succeed in recovering was inpatient care, and everything felt like it was falling apart. I was referred to an eating disorder center in Boston, MA and, in about a week, I was moved from home to the treatment facility. Without my phone, I lost contact with my friends and had limited contact with my family. My whole life was recovery, which I didn’t even want once I realized it meant seeing myself as even fatter.

I was suffering from being cold constantly, lightheaded, and mentally foggy so I was basically a “walking ghost” (how some people describe severe anorexics). On Christmas Day, I stood to go to the dining room for the scheduled snack time and I felt a huge head rush.

The next thing I knew, I was looking up and saw one of the mental health counselors shaking me awake on the floor. I had passed out and hit my head on the corner of a desk. They had already called an ambulance and my family was on their way to the emergency room (because they were coming down to Boston for Christmas to see me, anyway).

I realized in the moment I woke up on the floor that anorexia had consumed all of me. Not just my physical body, but everything about me. Everything I loved, gone. All of my goals, gone. Everything… gone. I felt only the faint cold of the ground beneath me and the dull pain of fighting this.

After staying in the behavioral center for a month, I was discharged and came home to an out-patient team that has been somewhat helpful for my recovery, but I would still strongly recommend changing early on if you don’t think it’s a good fit (there just aren’t that many options in Vermont to get help at home).

Over the last few months, I have began to lose weight slowly again, and I am back down to 145lbs (they had me gain lots of weight at the ED center for recovery, so this is actually lower than my highest post-starting recovery point). I’m worried I’ve relapsed, but I’m not giving up.

Here I am, to write to you about what happens over the next few years of my life because I want to prove to others struggling that recovery is possible even when it feels like there is nothing to recover for.

If this story feels like it escalated quickly… well, it did. It’s shocking how quickly an eating disorder, particularly anorexia nervosa, can swallow your life whole. So look for those warning signs in others and get help while it’s still early.

If you need support or have questions about this post, please message me because I genuinely want to help people understand anorexia/ED in general and I also want to support others struggling.

Congrats if you got to the end :)

[ourhealthyfoodblog-blog]

New Post has been published on Healthy Food and Remedies

New Post has been published on http://healthyfoodandremedies.com/2017/02/01/science-happiness-complaining-literally-killing/

THE SCIENCE OF HAPPINESS: WHY COMPLAINING IS LITERALLY KILLING YOU

Sometimes in life, all the experience and knowledge simmering around in that ol’ consciousness of ours combines itself in a way that suddenly causes the cerebral clockwork to click into place, and in this fluid flow of thought we find an epiphany rising to the surface.

One such point for me came in my junior year at University. It changed the way I viewed the world forever as it catapulted me out of the last of my angsty, melancholic youth and onto a path of ever-increasing bliss.

At the time of this personal discovery, I was pursuing a double-major in Computer Science and Psychology. Aside from these declared interest, I also had an affinity for (Eastern) Philosophy and Neuroscience. This led to semester course load comprising of two 300-level psychology courses, one 300-level philosophy course, and a graduate-level artificial intelligence course for both biology and computer science majors. This amalgamation of studies quickly tore my brain into a dozen directions, and when I put the pieces back together, I found myself resolute with rational reasons for optimism and for removing from my life the people who liked to complain.

“SYNAPSES THAT FIRE TOGETHER WIRE TOGETHER.”

This was the first phrase my AI professor told the classroom, and to this day it is still one of the most profound bits of logic I hold onto in order to dictate the decisions of my life. The principle is simple: Throughout your brain there is a collection of synapses separated by empty space called the synaptic cleft. Whenever you have a thought, one synapse shoots a chemical across the cleft to another synapse, thus building a bridge over which an electric signal can cross, carrying along its charge the relevant information you’re thinking about. It’s very similar to how nerves carry electric from the sensation in your toe all the way up to your brain where it’s actually “felt”.

Here’s the kicker: Every time this electrical charge is triggered, the synapses grow closer together in order to decrease the distance the electrical charge has to cross. This is a microcosmic example of evolution, of adaptation. The brain is rewiring its own circuitry, physically changing itself, to make it easier and more likely that the proper synapses will share the chemical link and thus spark together–in essence, making it easier for the thought to trigger. Therefore, your first mystical scientific evidence: your thoughts reshape your brain, and thus are changing a physical construct of reality. Let that sink in for a moment before you continue, because that’s a seriously profound logic-bomb right there.

SHORTEST PATH WINS THE RACE.

Beyond the absolutely incredible fact that your brain is always doing this, consistently shifting and morphing with every thought, even more exciting is the fact that the synapses you’ve most strongly bonded together (by thinking about more frequently) come to represent your default personality: your intelligence, skills, aptitudes, and most easily accessible thoughts(which are more-or-less the source of your conversation skills).

Let’s dig deeper into the logic behind that. Consider you have two pairs of people throwing a ball back and forth. One pair stands ten feet apart, the other at a distance of 100 feet. One partner from each team throws their ball to their respective partners at the exact same moment with the exact same speed. The first team that catches the ball gets to dictate your personal decision and mental state of mind.

So which team will get the ball first? Basic physics of distance, time, velocity tell us that it will always be the pair standing 10 feet apart. Well this is basically how your thoughts work. Through repetition of thought, you’ve brought the pair of synapses that represent your proclivities closer and closer together, and when the moment arises for you to form a thought ( and thus throw our metaphorical ball of electric energy), the thought that wins is the one that has less distance to travel, the one that will create a bridge between synapses fastest.

MIRROR-NEURONS

So if your mind hadn’t already exploded when you learned you could alter reality with your thoughts, you may want to get ready for it.  Because guess what? It’s not just your thoughts that can alter your brain and shift those synapses; the thoughts of those around you can do it as well.

If there’s any ability that truly separates us from our primate ancestors, it’s that of imagination. It’s the root of all art and architecture, of the (fictional) stories that formed religions that now control the lives of billions—even to the point of war over which fairytale is the “right one.”

That human failing aside, imagination lets us live in the past and in the future, and by escaping the present moment we can use our memories of the past to predict what will happen in the future; ie: I know from past experience that fire burns skin, so I know inside my minds-eye that if I stick my hand into a fire I will lose my flesh. This is so instinctual we don’t even recognize it’s constantly happening with every symbol that we’re perceiving in our day-to-day moments. But it is this ability that allows us to navigate the complexity of our society. Even more exciting is the fact that this skill also works with emotions, not just situations.

The premise, again, is quite simple: When we see someone experiencing an emotion ( be it anger, sadness, happiness, etc), our brain “tries out” that same emotion to imagine what the other person is going through. And it does this by attempting to fire the same synapses in your own brain so that you can attempt to relate to the emotion you’re observing. This is basically empathy. It is how we get the mob mentality, where a calm person can suddenly find themselves picking up a pitchfork against a common enemy once they’re influenced by dozens of angry minds. It is our shared bliss at music festivals, or our solidarity in sadness during tragedies.

But it is also your night out with your friends who love to constantly complain, whether it’s about their job, the government, or about their other so-called friend’s short-comings, or whatever little thing they can pick apart in order to lift themselves up and give themselves some holier-than-thou sense of validation when you nod your head in acquiescence, agreeing like a robot afraid of free-thought.

As you continually surround yourself with this attitude, you are continually trying out this attitude by firing the synapses in your brain. And as I explained above, every time you fire these synapses, you’re reshaping your brain.This is why it is so important to spend time with people who lift you up, because your friends are moving those fearful, cynical, pessimistic synapses closer together, making your default, short-path-personality as jaded and bitter as your peers.Want to be happy? Surround yourself with happy people who rewire your brain towards love, not towards fear of being invalidated.  I’m NOT saying don’t be there for friends who are having a hard time and need an ear or who need to work through a difficult situation. Nor am I saying you can’t be critical about the failings and injustices in the world. Positive change usually requires critical thought.

STRESS WILL KILL YOU.

You see, the thing about all this negativity, of regretting, of attachment to desires, of pointless complaining about impermanent things that will always continue to pass in an existence where time moves forward—the thing is: it all causes stress. When your brain is firing off these synapses of anger, you’re weakening your immune system; you’re raising your blood pressure, increasing your risk of heart disease, obesity and diabetes, and a plethora of other negative ailments–as PsychologyToday points out below.

The stress hormone, cortisol, is public health enemy number one. Scientists have known for years that elevated cortisol levels: interfere with learning and memory, lower immune function and bone density, increase weight gain, blood pressure, cholesterol, heart disease… The list goes on and on.Chronic stress and elevated cortisol levels also increase risk for depression, mental illness, and lower life expectancy. Recently, two separate studies were published in Science linking elevated cortisol levels as a potential trigger for mental illness and decreased resilience—especially in adolescence. Cortisol is released in response to fear or stress by the adrenal glands as part of the fight-or-flight mechanism.

-PsychologyToday

And if you need more evidence for the damaging effects of stress, there are innumerable more studies that show the negative impacts of pessimism, bitterness, and regret on your health. Here’s one from the Mayo Clinic and another from APA.

Regardless of what the universe brings your way, your choice is simple: Love or Fear. And yes, I understand it’s hard to find happiness on those nights when you feel like you’re all alone in the world, when a loved one passes, when you fail that test or get fired from that job; But when these moments come, you do not have to live in regret of them, you don’t have to give them constant negative attention and allow them to reshape your brain to the point that you become a bitter, jaded, cynical old curmudgeon that no longer notices that the very fact that they’re alive means they get to play blissfully in this cosmic playground where you get the godlike power of choice.

What you can do is say; “Yes, this sucks. But what’s the lesson? What can I take away from this to make me a better person? How can I take strength from this and use it to bring me closer to happiness in my next moment?” You see, a failed relationship or a bad day doesn’t have to be a pinion to your wings, it can be an updraft that showcases to you what things you like and don’t like, it can show you the red flags so that you can avoid them. If there was a personality your ex-partner had that drove you insane, then you now have the gift of knowing you don’t want to waste your time with another partner who acts the same way.

If you are mindful to the lessons of the failures, there is no reason that you can’t make the default of every day better than the one before it. Do something new everyday, learn its lesson, choose love over fear, and make every day better than the last. The more you do this, the more you will see and appreciate the beauty of this existence, and the happier you’ll be.

This article has been republished from Curious Apes

About the Author

Born and raised in Cincinnati, OH, Steven Parton moved to Portland, OR after getting a degree in Computer Science. As well as programming software, apps, and websites, he is an avid writer of novels and short stories, which can be found through Curious Apes Publishing. Like most Portlanders, he also rides a bike and loves IPAs. His latest book can be found at Amazon