#i do not respect people who blame peoples mental illnesses for abuse. period.

[angelkittycore]

i'll take 500 for things that never happened, alex

crazy to me that gently stating that, hey, this post is coming off as ableist, maybe self reflect on that, is now apparently trying to dictate how others should feel and what they post on their blog. (i got annoyed really quickly because they got defensive which like.. ?? hello? i was trying to help.)

news flash but you do not get to post ableist shit that makes other borderlines and narcissists feel bad about their own disorder being stigmatized and demonized in the tags and then act like you have the freedom of speech to do so willy nilly just because it's your own blog. freedom of speech protects you from the government, not the angelkitty. (jokes aside, what they originally posted could be interpreted as subtle hate speech for disability/mental illness!)

[m0tel6mxzzy]

amy winehouse + oversimplification of addiction

// tw addiction + ed ment //

really kinda grinds my gears when ppl act as if amy winehouse like…could’ve still been alive had she never met blake. i think that’s a gross way to simplify how addiction works.

i do personally believe he is not responsible for her death even if he played a role in enabling her, but what ppl need to realize is…mental illness does not have a magic on/off button that shuts off if u never meet certain people.

both blake and amy struggled with depression, which is why they identified with each other so well. considering they were on and off, there is a huge possibility both of them never really had anyone who understood their depression and despite their issues, that’s always why they came back to each other on and off.

and i do hope blake is well and do not wish him suffering for having gone through addiction and constantly blamed for “causing” amy’s. nor do i wish mitch suffering because he enabled her for the sake of touring—this heavily impacted amy, but at the same time there’s a guarantee w/ the way he and her mother treated her bulimia (which i’m not excusing, but nothing can be done) he had no tools of support to know how to help her as compared to rehab.

amy still had bulimia (which was never intervened by her parents, getting to the point where her entire studio knew she had a problem, and this was around her early to late 20s) for 12+ years before her death.

she never recieved help for that and could have died any moment even without drugs and alcohol present. she already was predisposed to certain mental issues unfortunately that were never properly resolved, and it did not help that the culture in the time period she was raised in was heavily stigmatizing toward depression and nonchalant about eating disorders.

it did not help that she was constantly mocked for her appearance and people based the state of her health on her weight, when amy had health issues that likely wouldn’t be known unless she admitted it since she was a teenager even during her frank era where people say she was “healthier” because she hadn’t yet developed substance abuse.

and i really don’t like defining her as one of the other—she was a person at the end of the day. she is not her health, the causes/factors of death, nor is she whoever ppl scapegoat for her illness instead of the fact: addictions of all kinds are not always success stories. even when someone is recovered or appears to be, amy was still struggling and always had been, but she also had music in her life as an outlet which was incredibly wonderful.

i know ppl would’ve liked some story in which she was better without blake and loved completely free of addiction, but she was still all the more valid as a human being and worthy of basic respect even during her relapses. and the media didn’t give that to her until they could profit off pretending they didn’t make shit worse for her. people simply do not treat those with addiction well (in some cases) unless there is a success story to self gratify themselves with because you haven’t endured it yourself and that person “became” more like you, or a tragedy to learn from. people don’t need to be your lessons. they can just be people.

point blank, at one point in time this talented woman was on this earth, went thru a lot of fucked shit with zero resources, and did the best she could. music was an outlet for her, and that was amazing she found something that made her happy.

anyway i’m off my soapbox. if you want to know more abt amy, watch the 2015 amy docu. may your memory be a blessing amy. i hope you know there’s ppl, even if it took quite a while, who understand + have compassion for you. <3

[beatsboy]

8.5.23 4:25am

there is so much to do. there are so many people. there is so much life being lived without me while i hole up in the laundry room, which has become my home for the time being. there are so many plans to make, taxes to do, bills to pay, life to get in order. but i did not do much of that today.

i'm anxious, yes. but i'm not depressed. i'm lonely, but it's because it's so obvious right now because i've never had so many people in my life before. i remember in college, i thought thinking to myself: i have never had so many true friends before. i felt so connected, like i had won in social skills. i didn't know the rules, though. when everything ended, i had no idea why, and looking back, i see the tendrils of my pre-aware autistic self simply not understanding the subjective lines between relationships that held them so delicately together. i did not understand why i couldn't show my boobs to my friends. i didn't understand why it was okay for some people to fuck their friends, but not for me. i didn't understand why friendships involved an inherent request to be vulnerable, and yet, that vulnerability never seemed warranted or accepted when it became too intense.

i went through a phase where i tried to disengage from my lovely suffering, mentally-ill, not like everyone else mentality. when i got to college, everyone talked about mental health, and when i opened up about experiencing mental health issues, i found that i was not alone. my friends had experienced depression and anxiety too, my best friend even eventually opened up to me about feeling suicidal. but it was different, i learned. when i attempted, got 5150d right before the pandemic, i realized it was different. the same person that told me to always come to her if i needed support and felt like i wanted to do something stupid (i.e. hurt myself/attempt) was now telling me that it was too triggering for her to hear, as she'd had a bout with self-harm for a year in college before i met her and before she transferred schools. i wanted to tell her: i will never forget this feeling, it will be with me forever, and all i can do is keep it at bay. and when she told me i was too much, that i cried too much, that i vented too much, as i came to terms with my gender identity and my abusive father at the same time, she ghosted me. after 5 years of friendship, not even a goodbye. i don't talk about how the attempt was after a terrible conversation we had. i still don't like to revisit that time. it was the most anxious i've been for an extended period of time in my life. and she wouldn't even talk to me. but it's okay, i don't blame her for that.

my life is bigger now, i try to remind myself of that. the life i live now is something that 23 year-old me could never have imagined for myself. if i had told myself then that in a few years i would not even be worried about hospital patients or my boss or my father or even living in orange county, she wouldn't have believed me. and i think if i told her that she was not just a boy, but a man, daddy, even, to so many people, i don't think she would have believed me either. but i think she would've known, somehow, that that could be true. i am not saying my friends are perfect, and i am not either. and i'm not saying that life isn't stressful. i know it is, and i know these problems are real, and things that i do have to take care of. but i'm not ubering to a hotel to get fucked for $200 that i'll never see, and i'm not surrounded by people who don't respect me or even think i'm cool.

i am a problematic person, as we all are, friends with problematic people, who make mistakes, and live through them, and show up for me even when there's a small voice in my head telling me what i'm asking for is unreasonable. AF went to the pharmacy today for me to pick up my covid medication, this is something i've only been able to rely on troy for in the past. to pick up someone's prescription is a labor of love, and i'm so grateful to have people who can support me in moments like these.

sometimes, it feels like the person i am now is so new and fresh, something i invented in my head and just decided to become, almost overnight. but i know that's not true. i look at the pictures of myself from 6 months ago, a year, two years, and i can see the small and steady changes that led me to who i am today. the clothes i collected over time, bit by bit of gender-affirming clothing that felt like me. all my tattoos, so many from friends of mine that i've been able to support as artists. i don't even remember the financial stress i'm sure i felt at the time paying for each one of them. it doesn't matter. i made it through, i'm still afloat, and i have these marks on my skin forever to remind me of just how much autonomy i have.

i have never loved myself more, and yet i still say i hate myself over and over when i'm in a meltdown and want to be anyone else but this body this person this brain. i don't hate myself, though. i hate this moment. i hate being outside in 90 degree weather searching for my phone for 30 minutes because god damn it i just had it right before therapy. but i don't hate this self, whose brain is foggier than it's ever been, for losing a phone.

i have never been happier, even when i'm sad. even when i'm lonely and stressed and anxious. even when i have to have difficult conversations. i had to have a hard talk with SL today. they lied to me about something, and i had to be the one to bring it up. i don't think it was malice, and they said they weren't thinking, but i had to be the one to bring it up and resolve it.

i am not used to being daddy, but everyone acts as though this is who i've always been, and not someone i am actively becoming.

but it is okay. with AS, i never had a say. the hard conversations were always on her terms, i never got to speak up about what i wanted in our friendship. i still get the feeling in the pit of my stomach when i think about hard conversations with friends, as though, by me rocking the boat, i will disrupt the balance of them wanting to be friends with me too. but i know now that this is not how healthy relationships are made, and i have to remind myself that i have friends who want to know when i'm upset with them, that want to know how they can do better, and will tell me when i can do better as well. i am still trying to rid myself of the dreadful feeling that comes with friendship confrontation, but it is eased by the feeling that i am confident that people can grow and change, just as i have, and that people are imperfect, always, as i am. and i will be patient with people who show up for me and never stop trying. SL has a lot to work on, and they have their blindspots. we all do. everyone who says "i hate people who aren't self-aware" are usually not so self-aware themselves. but maybe this is why we have friends, so there will always be someone else to witness our growth, and our mistakes.

[autumn-foxfire]

Seen too many people say Tomie was a good mom because "she still loved him!" "she got him that plushie!" "she gave him that letter!" And I'm trying so hard not to use the "yeah but it squicks me out bc she reminds me of my mom esp when people write meta explaining her" card bc I know you're not supposed to project on fictional characters like that, yada yada can't be a hypocrite with what we say to villain stans.

(+) but its just so unhealthy. I hate seeing Hawks feel guilty about "turning his back on her" and "not saving her" when he's been expected to since he was born. And he's not obliged to care about abusive or toxic parents. And who tf says he didn't save her, ahem. She should take some responsibility herself. He literally went through all that training and saved her from poverty. Being proud of him doesn't mean much when she was the one asking why he was even born or what good was he

(+) until money came knocking in the form of the Hpsc. And look, I get it. Not all bad parents will be on "be utter crap" mode 24/7, there's gonna be cooldown periods where they're semi-decent. And it shouldn't erase the hurt, it doesn't make all the bad times "okay" all of a sudden. But I think it hurts because Hawks is so forgiving. He doesn't mind. That one moment does wonders to make her a more preferable parent to him

(+) even tho I think her true colors would be right back to how she was before without that fancy house and her child bringing in all these luxuries. "Let's hope you grow up as strong as this guy." Doesn't feel as sweet to me, I'm sorry. Maybe she means it? Hori always sprinkles in good and bad traits. It's realistic and complex, but I need to think it over more. My feelings keep changing about this line.

(+) Rn I'm stuck on "it's just a comment, it was before she presumably got worse, anyone could say that to their child but is it hope out of care or hope bc anything else would make Keigo so pointless?" Still. Doesn't. Erase. How. She. Hurt. Him. I'll respect Hawks's feelings about this, but I don't think its healthy for him to feel guilty like this. Give him a better family please, its obvious his sense of self-worth came from her.

I understand how you feel Nonnie and I think on this matter, it comes down more to personal feelings rather than hard facts.

For me, I agree with your view that Tomie wasn’t a good mother. She was neglective to him at the worst and verbally abusive to him too and has probably been the root to many of Hawks self-esteem issues that we’ve seen him express in adulthood.

I think Tomie’s feeling for Hawks were complicated because she was an abused and mentally ill woman. Hawks was clearly an unwanted child (...and damn does that hurt to write) whose birth caused issues for her and her relationship with his bastard father and we see this expressed many times in the chapter (with both parents berating him for being born like he had any choice in that matter).

However, her going out to buy him the Endeavor plushie and going against the rules set by their abuser to do so also shows us that she does care about Hawks, even if a little. Sure Hawks might have excused it as “to shut him up” but it takes more then just that to go against an abuser and her comment to Hawks about hoping he grew up to be as strong as Endeavor also shows us she cares about him.

Tomie may have loved Hawks but it requires more then just love to be a good mother. I’d argue that Tomie was a bad parent towards Hawks and her treatment towards him shouldn’t just be brushed off because she was caring at times.

Her running away from her problems again, putting herself above the life of her son, shows us that she’s not a good parent, in my opinion. Just like how she put her child at risk by making him homeless, she put him at risk once again and can’t even bring herself to apologise to him for doing so. She’s not ready to face her problems and if she keeps running, I don’t think she ever will be.

Hearing Hawks blame himself for not “saving” his mother hurt me too because it should never be the obligation of the children to save their parents, especially ones who have hurt them in the past and he’s done plenty for her to begin with. However I think (and hope) this was just to showcase to us more of Hawks more negative traits where he tries to blame himself for everything that goes wrong (like he did when the League joined up with the MLA and formed the PLF).

I hope someone tells Hawks there is nothing wrong with cutting ties with someone who has hurt you too much and you don’t have to “save” them at the expense of yourself just because you’re a good person. I don’t want him to blame himself for Tomie anymore.

...Hawks past hurts me so much because it’s such a complicated situation where he was failed by both his parents T-T

[mashounen2003]

Sonic opinions - 4

Initially, the purpose of my fanfics was almost only to think of a possible continuation of the events of Sonic SatAM, adapting things from the Archie-Sonic comics (and taking some licenses in the process), and trying to better write Antoine's transition from his self in the cartoon to his self in the comics, give more importance to Tails and better portray his parents, Amadeus and Rosemary. But then I realized how abysmal the differences between the two versions of Antoine were, while it was also harder for me to think of a way to write Rosemary coherently.

In Antoine's case, lately, I came up with an alternative to make him develop and stop being what he was in the TV series:

Immediately after the original Robotnik has been defeated, Antoine leaves his team behind. He actually doesn't know how to fight, but he still has good marksmanship, so he becomes a hitman. However, he's eventually convinced to leave behind that life without honour, begins to train in real fighting skills and becomes a genuine Freedom Fighter once and for all. In any case, he develops an opinion of "the end justifies the means" and continues thinking it for the rest of the story, being critical of his former team; this, along with his lasting grudge against Sonic and Sally, leads him to fight against the Monarchy in the events of "Civil War".

As for Rosemary... I don't like to say it this way, but she was a total b**** in the comics. I came up with a way to show her in a better light, but in no way could it have worked with the comics' Rosemary as she was. I'll talk about it when I write my list of ideas for future fanfics.

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I also addressed Politics in that fictional universe, trying to avoid the way this was done in the comics: there, Ian Flynn created the Council of Acorn and portrayed it as a bunch of stereotyped useless politicians obsessed with controlling the heroes and barely concerned with their country's security, and I think Flynn didn't do it to actually enrich the comics' universe or to add depth to the story or to communicate certain political ideas, but only to give readers someone to blame.

In the stories I wrote so far, I didn't go deep into what happened with my fictional universe's Council of Acorn after its creation; however, I did address its origin, and in doing so, I didn't make the Bems involved. Look... In the comics, Tails's parents were inspired by the Bems to try to establish a Democracy in Acorn, and this entails some inconvenience:

The Bems are terrible people. They roboticized Sonic and Tails to make them fight Robotnik and Snively, in order to verify the robots were better than flesh-and-blood beings (if things had happened differently, perhaps Mobius's Robians wouldn't have been de-roboticized); their society is entirely made of clones and almost lacks variety, not only in terms of the physical but also in terms of people's ideas; their judicial system is quite f***ed up (at least according to our standards), and... *sigh* they're just the worst. These traits of the Bems had been developed when Karl Bollers wrote the comics, and Flynn should have considered that they’re technically canon before having Tails's parents claim to have been inspired by those aliens.

Even if we cling to Moral Relativism with all our strength, claiming the Bems are just "different" and have different behaviour, mindset, psychology and culture, this keeps making things complicated: applying something in one society, solely because it succeeded in another, ain't exactly something smart to do.

And the craziest of all is that it could have been avoided very easily: Flynn could simply have said there were previous failed attempts to establish a Democracy in other countries of Mobius and Amadeus & Rosemary had always wanted a change in the government system, had learned about those historical events and knew (or believed they knew, at least) how to do it right this time. Moreover, Flynn could have said the decade spent by Tails's parents with the Bems gave them a clue about what they should not do when finally returning to their homeworld.

I tried, in my work, to use this idea of Amadeus & Rosemary wanting to establish a Democracy in an attempt to succeed in what others in other parts of Mobius had failed throughout History. It was based upon what happened in the French Revolution (more precisely, the Jacobin period), the years immediately after the Russian Revolution, and mainly the First English Revolution: in 1648, the Monarchy was overthrown in England; the change was violent and chaotic, the government that took the place of the King ended up being also a despotic tyranny, and the final result was just the return of a King to power in 1660 (although, anyway, the Glorious Revolution established in 1688 the British parliamentary system as we know it); Thomas Hobbes, while watching those events unfold, wrote his book Leviathan, where he justified the need for an Absolute Monarchy by arguing humans were violent, selfish, chaotic and brutal by nature, so they had signed a symbolic pact where they ceded all their rights and their power to a single person in charge of ruling with an iron fist, in order to prevent humanity from destroying itself. In my fanfics' universe, it was mentioned those attempts at democratization in Mobius led to civil wars, ended with those same peoples clinging to ideas similar to those of Hobbes, quickly restoring the Monarchy and promising themselves not to try and establish a Democracy ever again.

I also mentioned the recurring conflicts between the Acorn Kings and the Southern Barons in the comics, as well as the connection between the Kings and the infamous Source of All, among other things. I also had Amadeus do what he should have done in the comics when he explained why he wanted there to be Democracy: to present historical events, such as those conflicts, the Kings' cult of the Source of All and the technological and cultural backwardness to which the people were subjected by them, as concrete examples of how the Monarchy had never worked well.

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There are several Sonic fans, including @toaarcan and @robotnik-mun, who argue Politics shouldn't have been addressed at all in Sonic stories. Also, the vast majority of Sonic fans claim each and every one of the attempts to make this series more serious were some of the worst things that could have happened, even the addition of more characters was nothing but a cancer, and everything should have remained "simple" or the Sonic franchise shouldn't have gone beyond what it was at the time of the classic Genesis games. I praise the stories written by @toaarcan, and I agree with many of the opinions of both him and @robotnik-mun, but with all due respect, I totally disagree on this particular point.

I've always believed that, if it's done right, any topic should be able to be addressed in any kind of fiction, and Politics is no exception; more exactly, I think an author has two options when writing a work aimed at children and young people: to write something super light and soft where no serious topic is addressed, or to "go all-in" and address all serious topics, leaving nothing out; this includes not only Politics, but also tragedies, the complexities of love, toxic interpersonal relationships (whether abusive or otherwise), bullying, mental illness, trauma (for example, that caused by war), societal issues, and so on. That's one of the many whys of my love for RWBY: there's nothing that web-series doesn't talk about. As for the proper and respectful LGBTQ+ representation, rather than a serious topic reserved for serious fictional works, it's a requirement every fictional work should meet, whether serious or not, especially in the middle of the 21st century (this is something I think my work didn't meet satisfactorily).

With Sonic SatAM and the comics, it looked like the second option could have worked in the Sonic franchise too, and the TV series did it right to some extent. Unfortunately, Archie-Sonic's writers almost never did things right in regards to relationships between characters: Ken Penders's work, in particular, is an example of how relationships should never be, and Flynn's attempt to talk about Politics was a complete disaster, not much better than Penders's heinous handling of political stuff, more similar to a very low-quality North-American political satire, even when the conflict portrayed wasn't of the "Right versus Left" kind but of the "Monarchy versus Republic" kind, which should have been much easier to do without ruining everything. The only ones who didn't fall into those same mistakes were Gallagher and Angelo DeCesare, the comics' first writers, but only because they chose the first option: to write stories that weren't serious at all... with the notable exception of "Growing Pains", the B-story of issues #28 and #29, a typical Shakespearean tragedy where they presented us Auto-Fiona, a robot replica of who would later be one of the most controversial characters in the comics.

This, coupled with the resounding failure of Sonic 2006, is the only reason why now almost everyone in the Sonic fandom prefers stories without anything serious and/or a return to the Classic Sonic era, with very underdeveloped characters who are turned into mere plot devices and are only a shadow of their former self or of what they could have been.

[letterstoleia]

Important Lessons Learned from Gabby and Brian

As an author and advocate for survivors of domestic violence, I’ve learned a lot about the predictable patterns of unhealthy relationships. After years of personal experiences, research, and outreach, I’ve learned to recognize the tell-tale signs of abuse. I am not a licensed therapist, social worker, police officer, or minister. So please understand I shared my thoughts as 3 a.m. musings. When a few people asked me to make the post public, I agreed, reluctantly. I had no idea this message would resonate with so many people. I've worked back through the original post to explain a bit better how I'm feeling. I realize not everyone will agree with me, and I respect all opinions and views. All I ask is that we engage in respectful discourse on all sides. Thank you all.

In recent days, the tragic events involving Gabby Petito and Brian Laundrie have given us a lot to learn. This case is still under investigation, and I can only make assumptions based on the textbook patterns of abuse I’ve witnessed too many times to count. I also recognize that multiple families are grieving, and I have tremendous empathy for everyone involved. However, many survivors will resonate with at least some of the following insights, and I’m hoping we can use this tragedy to shift the way we as a culture approach the complicated issue of domestic abuse.

Let’s examine 30 important lessons this couple teaches us:

1. Followers on social media saw a smiling, happy couple, full of love and wanderlust, setting out for a cross-country adventure while documenting all the joys of young life. In many cases, targets become very good at smiling through the pain.

2. When the public was shown body camera footage captured by Moab City Police officer Daniel Robbins, (who pulled Laundrie and Petito over after the 911 call on August 12), some viewers assumed Petito was suffering from mental illness and Laundrie, while nervous, was the steadier of the two.

3. Other viewers assumed both partners were equally at fault—the old “it takes two” myth that doesn’t really apply to most abusive situations.

4. Some people even assumed Petito was the abuser and Laundrie was the victim.

5. These three assumptions probably crossed everyone’s mind as a possibility (they did mine). Healthy minded people tend to give others the benefit of the doubt, especially when someone is being accused of a negative act. Also, we can all understand that mental illness is a difficult situation and can tax even the kindest most gentle of souls (and the people who love them). Unfortunately, in many cases, this thought pattern leads us to assume the victim is mentally ill or that the victim is to blame for an altercation.

6. “Victim blaming” can happen even in the worst cases of abuse because we don’t see the longitudinal story unfolding. What we don’t see is that the target has managed to keep things together until she reached her threshold, at which time we may see her crying, yelling, or breaking down emotionally. By exhibiting those behaviors, many might assume the target is “crazy,” and it’s natural for us to feel as if the more stable person is more trustworthy.

7. If we listen carefully to Laundrie’s conversation with the officers, he even laughs and says, “She’s crazy.” (17.09) Then he dismisses it as a joke. Of course, he’s already put this claim in the officers’ minds (and by the nonchalant way he says it, many might assume it’s not the first time he’s said these words.)

8. So while viewers (and officers) start wondering if perhaps the target is “crazy,” the abuser plays the part of the poor, patient partner who has to deal with this irrational person. In the video, Laundrie mentions Petito’s anxiety and her OCD, painting her as an unstable partner. (Please note: I’m not at all justifying any physical violence against either party. No one should intentionally harm any other person. Period.)

9. A typical abuser would be skilled at convincing people that he’s innocent, while in fact he’s been acting very differently behind closed doors, pushing his target to this point intentionally and feeding on her emotional break. Many abusers LOVE to see evidence that they’ve hurt their target. They LOVE to see their target in pain. For this reason, “breaking” the target is usually the goal from the start. In cases of abuse, it may take an abuser hours, weeks, months, or even years to break the target, but he won’t stop until he gets that reaction, and then he’ll point the finger and say, “See? She’s crazy. I’m just trying to keep her calm.” And then he’ll do it again. And again. And again.

10. As a result, some people will buy into that false narrative. Even the target can be brainwashed to doubt her own truth. Which may be one reason we see Petito making many excuses for Laundrie’s behavior and taking the blame for everything.

11. In contrast, we see Laundrie blaming Petito, insisting he never hit her and saying he was just trying to keep her calm. He’s charming. He comes across as the loving and loyal partner. He’s joking around with the officers and even gives one a fist bump in the end. All the while, his fiancée is at risk of being charged with domestic assault and possibly spending the night in jail.

12. Later, we’ll hear the 911 recording that (it seems) the responding officers were not fully informed of at the time: “I’d like to report a domestic dispute.” The 49 second audio recording continues as the caller says, “The gentleman was slapping the girl.” When the dispatcher asks him to confirm that the man was slapping the girl, the caller responds, “Yes, and then we stopped, they ran up and down the sidewalk, he proceeded to hit her, hopped in the car, and they drove off.”

13. But long before the 911 call was made public, many survivors could already see through the spin playing out on the video footage. They easily recognized the “red flags” because these cycles become the norm for victims of long-standing abuse. Many targets eventually become conditioned to believe everything the abuser does is her fault. Covering for the abuser, accepting all the blame, trying harder to make the abuser happy—this warped reality becomes the only truth a target knows.

14. Also, it seems clear that Petito doesn’t want her fiancé to be in any trouble. She’d rather pay the price and protect the man she loves. And because she probably believes he only acted this way because of her mood/behaviors/anxiety/OCD/job, she doesn’t want him to be blamed. This is also the norm in abusive relationships.

15. Many experienced and well-trained officers see right through this typical pattern. Others buy the cover-up story. And, sadly, because some officers are also abusers, some side with the abuser even when they know exactly what’s going on. Throughout the video, we get the sense that Officer Robbins senses there’s more to the story.

16. I credit the police in Petito’s situation, especially Officer Robbins. The four responding officers (two of whom were park rangers) remained calm, they separated the couple, they interviewed them individually, they split them up for the night, they consulted the domestic violence shelter … many would say they did everything right considering the information they had at the time.

17. I imagine the officers involved may be suffering from tremendous guilt and wondering if they could have prevented Petito’s death, but I want to give credit to the officers in this case. While it’s easy to look back and say maybe they should have handled things differently, knowing what we now know, I was impressed with how well they treated both Laundrie and Petito (and, sadly, I was thinking how rare it is to see that level of respect and professionalism in most cases of domestic violence, particularly in the South where I’ve been most involved with survivors’ stories.)

18. After Petito was reported missing, many people expressed shock in response to the Laundrie family’s refusal to cooperate early in the investigation. Petito reportedly lived with the Laundrie family for more than a year. Anyone can see that this family will do anything to protect their son, even at the cost of an innocent young woman who was a real part of their family and soon to be their daughter-in-law. While most of us can certainly understand parents wanting to protect their son, most would agree they crossed a moral line when his fiancée went missing.

19. But perhaps it goes deeper than that. Perhaps what we’re seeing is a system of enablers who not only allowed their son to abuse Petito (which may have been a factor in her reported anxiety) but also a system of gaslighters who may have always been shifting the truth to keep Petito confused and make her believe she was the problem.

20. It’s not a far stretch to assume Petito was caught in a system of abuse. And once a target is caught in that psychological web, it’s extremely difficult to see a way out. Reality becomes flipped.

21. It’s also worth noting that Petito and Laundrie had been involved in various levels of a relationship since their teens. This is also commonly observed in dysfunctional partnerships.

22. These immature relationships work beautifully when both partners grow together and mature emotionally. But when one wants to keep the other down, naïve, and under his control … and the other is growing, learning, and maturing … it doesn’t work.

23. We hear Petito tell the officer that Laundrie didn’t think she could succeed with her travel blog (3.25). It seems clear that he didn’t believe in her and that he was trying to make her doubt herself.

24. Throughout the conversation, he implies that he locked her out of the van because she wouldn’t calm down. But when we listen to the full video, it seems he was upset because they’d spent too much time at the coffee shop with her working on her website when he wanted to go hiking. This suggests that because she wasn’t in the van when he was ready to leave, he lost his temper.

25. In the moments that followed, the altercation became physical. Reportedly, Laundrie squeezed Petito’s face with his hand, cut her down verbally, and criticized her.

26. Some would argue that this escalating abuse typically persists until the target reacts emotionally and/or physically. If this case follows the norm, Laundrie may have been trying to break her spirit, intentionally.

27. Why? Again, if this case follows the typical situation, it would likely be because Petito’s focus wasn’t 100% on Laundrie. She had found this new job she enjoyed. She was succeeding at it, and it was allowing her to connect with other people. (Remember, she’d already left her job as a nutritionist to travel around the country with Laundrie.)

28. In a healthy relationship, the new job might be considered a positive opportunity for Petito. Especially considering Laundrie admits they have very little money (not even enough to afford a hotel room to prevent his fiancée from going to jail). But in an unhealthy relationship, the abuser wants the target all to himself. And when that doesn’t happen, he can become increasingly violent.

29. Petito now had this one little piece of her life that Laundrie couldn’t control, so if we’re looking at textbook patterns, perhaps her blog angered him. Perhaps he didn’t like all the attention she was getting on social media. Perhaps he punished her for it. And then a cycle developed. Even though she was doing nothing wrong by building a new career.

30. The next thing we know, we have a missing person, a recovered body, a young man on the run, and several families destroyed. Too much grief to measure. And the truth is, it will happen again tomorrow, and the next day, and the next day, until we learn to recognize and respond to abusive situations in healthier ways.

The overall takeaway?

When we see someone at her emotional end during a domestic dispute, we shouldn’t assume she’s crazy. We shouldn’t buy into the false narrative given by the abuser. We shouldn’t believe the cover-up story by the target who has been conditioned to carry all the blame and shame. And we shouldn’t assume they’re going to be okay.

Instead, we should all learn the difference between healthy and unhealthy relationships. We should learn to recognize the warning signs of abuse. We should engage in respectful, fact-based conversations about trauma bonds, abusive cycles, and emotional intelligence. We should be familiar with terms like gaslighting, hovering, love bombing, enabling, triangulating, and projecting. We should stop blaming targets and help them reclaim their truth. And we should stop repeating the age-old myths that keep targets trapped in these dangerous and all-too-often deadly cycles.

Finally, while I’ve used the most common scenario of male-on-female violence in this article, we should recognize that abuse crosses all barriers and can impact anyone regardless of gender, sexuality, ethnicity, nationality, religious affiliation, age, or socio-economic level. And we should stop assuming these situations will get better in time. Personally, I haven’t heard of one abusive relationship that became healthier. Not one. Not with therapy. Not with church. Not with prayer or forgiveness or complete surrender. When an abuser is determined to destroy his target, he will not stop until that target is erased from this world or stripped from her life. And in many cases, he’ll walk away without any consequences, often taking the target’s finances, home, vehicle, reputation, or even her children with him.

Please don’t let the next statistic be you or someone you love. For support, contact the Domestic Violence Hotline. From a safe phone, call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or text “START” to 88788.

[benchgenderstudies]

Busting Dr Cynthia Buliks Injurious Revisionism of Anorexia and Eating Disorders.

By Michael Bench, MEP, WGSGC

1.Can you tell who has eating disorders?

Cynthia says “no”.

Actual Answer: Yes.

Starvation effects are observable and anorexia is cosmetic starvation. Those females with an early eating disorder (EDNOS) or using Anorexic behaviors should be addressed and reported to school staff or counseling for their safety; Crash Dieting is disordered eating even if not a diagnosis and is part of a larger social problem of aversions to patient and honest physical conditioning. Crash diets are the tools of lushes. The very lushes that publish female targeted media promoting cleanses and ‘quick fix tips’.  Medical and health advice, if from a document, should only come from academic journals. 

2.Are mothers to blame:

Cynthia says no.

Actual Answer: Often

Mothers who have seasonal weight control efforts and use crash diets to cheat their way to a 'beach body” are modeling disordered eating. Crash diets are disordered eating. Mothers involved with pageants have also been known to use other methods like infecting their daughters with tapeworms to reach a desired thinness.

3.Are families to blame?

Cynthia says no.

Actual Answer:Yes.Situationally.

Involvement with sport, social or classist activities that prioritize gender roles before sport itself is a complicity to eating disorders and body dysmorphia. A parent who willingly lets an industry or coach alter her child’s course of physical maturity is actively neglecting their child no matter what the presumed benefits.  Families also normalize some seasonal classism, poor nutritional behavior, and poor communication that can be seen in children using anorexic trope behavior and insincere-suicidal attention getting. Mothers who believe their daughters should be paying attention to female targeted fashion media and other retail or pop culture are poorly guarding their children.

4.Is society to Blame? (Far too general. Go home Cynthia.)

Actual Answers: Media is to blame partly in that it protects its advertisers exploitation and revisionism of need/want psychology. Media also forwards health talking points for the unhealthy. The term “weight control” for example is an index case of tolerating a slothful deviant-leisure society who cheat their way to “good looks” simply for summer exhibition. Then they return indoors for winter with their indoor sloth and lazy nutritional rituals.

Coaching & Fashion: Females are not males. Training them as males or believing diet is a form of genetic engineering is magical thinking that can injure the athletes. Instead, minimum ages in sport should be raised so children in gymnastics ,for example, are not used as carnival acts. Lacking a period, a females maturity/fill out has not been “stalled”. She is amenorrheic whether with or without a visible menarche; an event itself that’s been postponed. Females cannot sustain low BMI male thinness to appear his heterosexual-binary-other. In fashion , the binary roles are actually the same , only at smaller emaciated sizes and not androgynous as reported. Fashionistas who take their model's health for granted as an act of 'luxury artification” are long guilty of endangering her health/assault , among other violations like complicit child trafficking  (Set aside whether the female volunteers the risk, the runway’s terms are decided by the foolish and nihilist cosmosexuals having very little competence about human physiology. Respecting ‘who we are” ,eh?) Females normalizing anorexic/disordered eating as a justification of their (model) career or fame are themselves a microphone for social blame. 

5.Are Anorexia and Eating disorders a White race problem/Female problem.

Actual Answer: Yes.

The democratization of Western and American market views of ideal beauty and ideal sexuality has not changed the core source of toxic constructions of binary gender. The manipulation of the female body to conform to eras if disinformation and beauty trends, ie Gibson girl and the Heroin Chic waif, show that 'disordered eating' and its long term effects are practiced as luxury fads. Actual mental disorders escalated to Anorexia Nervosa or Bulimia Nervosa stem from European and South Asian religio-social pacts of personal virtue(Breatherism/Inedia). Ever since the first London and American reports of Inedia or fad fasting the practicioners lied about how little they ate. Anorexia, breatherism and inedia have always been appropriate religious rituals used by desperate zealots for attention.. The vulnerability to this sort of radicalization around fasting links to psychological vulnerability and distortions of their self  (a specific form narcissistic personality disorder)

6. Consider the remainder of her list debunked.>>(will add the rest later)

>>Anorexia is NOT A CASH COW.

If researchers want to do genomics research, have at.   Anorexia itself has provably been found occurring as fads. If the 'formal' uppity journal community don’t have the courage to admit mental illness can be market caused and that the external sphere of society can be toxic..  it is their own failure to confront it and demand regulation. Gibson Girl, Heroin Chic, and proana ‘lifestyle’, are fads whose females are too often seen as ‘victims’ of a male privilege error rather instead their own stubborn choices and long term effects there of : I reject the notion Anorexia should be tolerated as a go-to for researchers that simply need grant money and repudiate those that attempted to distract its identity. The democratization of Anorexia as ‘everyone’s disease’ leads me to be highly suspicious of Buliks motivations as a professional  and what diet/pharm companies are handing her NCEEDUS checks. 

“ Aye , I hear you was gonna go on a crash diet. You dont wanna be one of those wanna bes..  A real crash diet , ya cut your own brake cables , go for a drive on elevated roads and see how many cliffs you can climb back up from.”

What is Anorexia Nervosa:

Behaviors of Disordered Eating are not themselves the source of the problem. All persons using crash diet and anorexic symptom behaviors however should be considered ‘eating disordered”.  Anorexic behaviors are actions of solving a problem the subject appears to suffer even if originally having a healthy proportioned body.  Current research suggests that between 3-10 exposures to any message makes an audience more willing to oblige and 'know' its message. This also means a female convinced that eternal youth is where she must rest her physical body to be beautiful is not technically a mental disorder yet. In the struggle to keep her body looking prepubescent the damages of malnutrition and gray matter deterioration lead to distortions of thought. These distortions then create  new symptoms, unoriginal symptoms that are signs of a narcissistic depression and helplessness.

Starting at that point for internal pathology....

If Anorexia is a mental illness aside from market learning then it must be recognized a problem of extreme dissatisfaction with the self that has escalated.  Anorexia Nervosa , or the most extreme form of cosmetic starvation is then to be recognized : A narcissistic depression formed from the conflict or inability to adapt to adolescent body changes. Social messages denouncing the mature female body and independence may solidify these formerly inert cautions. Further, body changes of the teen are used by marketers to embarrass and humiliate the teen for imperfections; a classic 'witch hunt' scenario of threatening the girl with being burnt at the stake for not being a sexual object. The anorexic is faced with that environment daily; an environment where she has no choice to identify as an adolescent among peers and media , whether she’s ready to adapt or not. There is a clear ‘at adolescence trigger” that points to an adaptation difficulty in a soup of marketing that denounces the aged female as roast beef, spent, junk in the trunk and other negativity. The Youngest females.. healthy or by pathology would have a difficult time concluding what is good about being female when the unhealthy deposition of fat at the waist and hips is normal for her maturity.  That is mainly due to problems in the fitness community media leaving no appreciation for fitness itself. Magazine imagery is purely body sculpted or body building.. actual athletic conditioning with the time allotment it requires. 

 I am also referring to Anorexia as a form of Gender Dysphoia who's conflicted social and internal views of teen maturity can lead to traumatized states.  This should not leave room for stable anorexics or unstable females to characterize the adoption of their injurious methods for 'an in-crowd” elitism.

Anorexia Nervosa and its less severe 'eating disorders..  should actually be called #BodyDysmorphicSIBDieting ( Self Injurious Behavior-Dieting)..It includes caloric restriction, multiple stimulant abuse, dissociative abuse and abuse of prescribed medicines,  poor choices in recovery foods which adds to their narcissistic shaming. Pro Ana websites and groups must be understood part of the symptom of a sociopathic “narcissism supply”. Because Anorexia is so well known, applying its known traits can mimic actual anorexics but these body dissatisfied people are factitious disorder candidates. (they are still disordered and mentally unwell. Thereby groups calling themselves pro Ana that taunt new members as ‘wannabes’ are not doing their job as a support group; Support groups and other health resources pages welcome members  and hope to spread positiivity. Instead pro ana sites often feature a core group functioning as an exclusive cliq who give merit to the identity of ANOREXICS as it surrounds her; the actual board member is of no consequence. The Pro Ana board is an active process of denial/bargaining by making their narcissist affliction sound positive and trendy.

In no way should statements of recovery or links on these proana sites be presumed to be safe.  Anorexia Nervosa is technically an umbrella term for three or more groups necessitating 'shortcutting dieting techniques” to achieve a desireable body. One is truly a mental illness of its own, another is a sociopathic illness that has adopted anorexic traits for its factitious parading.. but is also as serious. Also be mindful that persons starting pro anorexic boards might also be sadists and psychopaths who find artificial arousal in providing a place for harm.  All persons utilizing starvation and self abuse for an undisciplined 'thinspired body” are all heading to the same fatal end; including fashion models. Anorexia in name, in diagnosis, or in method IS STILL ANOREXIA. A refusal of recovery and presumption that anorexia is a lifestyle in name , point to a group still in denial that their practices are injurious. Denial of self failure/deception is one narcissist flaw even if the personality disorder symptoms dont apply to the factitious supplicants 

Third is a general category of body dissatisfied females who use encourage each other with SIB Diet techniques rather than actually go to a gym and perform both cardio AND resistance-exercise-for-STRENGTH.. which will infact lead to hypertrophy and better metabolism. This third group is often heckled by the others as fakers and wannarexics. In fact it is the other two groups proving the sociopathic tendencies of their guilt being made manifest on others. Since they cannot empathize, they neither should be empathized. Those yelling 'wannarexics” can be considered social trash and treated accordingly. A combined trait among all 'anorexics' is they mistake strength as an inside characteristic to excuse responsible self conditioning. .. or to justify their fears lifiting weights .. as a behavior is too masculinity  defining.  Her ego exploits her physical body and the body at times will take back such time to demand fueling.  It is then rightful the ego feels shame but not for eating .. rather for the fasting that causes binging in excess of regular fueling of activity.  This singular matter has a strong motivation to be fatally thin and is their excuse to avoid most legitimate forms of  balanced physical conditioning. The thinness is of no consequence. Those who intend to crash diet their way to a perfect body will eventually succumb to the cheapness of their diets. There is no diet that achieve what physical benefits come from physical conditioning. Research addressing diet as more important than exercise in weight control addresses a foolish society terrible at both.   MB.

[rossodelgiorno]

2020/ Chain of Fools

2020 was the year I adopted a boiler suit and gas mask as a daily uniform. The world had gone into a global lockdown to combat the COVID19 virus which meant we were only allowed to leave our house for essential reasons such as grocery shopping and exercise. When outside, we were government mandated to wear face masks to prevent the spread of the disease. They made me feel like a muzzled dog and I resented no longer being able to smile with strangers on the street. Feeling like a prisoner in his own home and under extreme stress from job insecurity, my boyfriend Jake’s amphetamine addiction began to spiral out of control.

As a result of Jake’s addiction, we had accidentally befriended a posse of drug dealers and prostitutes- bonded by our love of having a good time and a general disregard for consequence. We met Dani through a call girl friend of mine who had realised the difficulty of making a living through writing online fashion content. Dani had big brown eyes, fat, botoxed lips and dressed only in high end labels like Gucci and Balmain. Born into a wealthy family, she had acquired a taste for expensive things but lacked the work ethic to maintain this taste without selling her body for sex. Dani began to visit more throughout the lockdown to deliver Jake drugs, hidden in a bag of a groceries. One night, she played Carole King on our old vinyl player, while Jake rolled us a joint to share. I flirted with them both, knowing that it would lead to a threesome. We smoked Jake’s joint, snorted lines of cocaine off each other and then took turns going down on each other.

A week later, Dani introduced us to a crew of “script kiddies”- long haired, internet hackers with a love of mumble rap, cryptocurrency and ketamine. I made cocktails for everyone and established that one of these kids shared a mutual friend with Jake. They seemed fascinated by the genuine sexual chemistry between myself, Jake and Dani and expressed gratitude for our generous hospitality. Eventually I came to the conclusion that by associating us with this crowd, Dani had managed to successfully pray on the vulnerable- trusting junkies like us who were lax with internet security and keen for a good time. In retrospect, I wish I had known that Dani was a hustler at heart- making money in any way she could without considering the impact of her choices. At the time however, I felt like we were fully living life in the moment- something I was certain would bring me happiness, meaning and didn’t question her motives for a moment.

Ella, Dani’s best friend, had a boyish pixie cut, high cheekbones and was tall and slim. She had gradually joined in on our shenanigans, along with Mark, a dealer with a steady supply of the best gear available north of the river. We all hung out together in our plant-filled, converted warehouse listening to electronic music and sharing stories about our favourite mind-altering substances. My stories were consistently focused on MDMA. As a notoriously private person, I’d discovered MDMA helped me open up and allowed me to dance, free of fear of judgement. It had also helped Jake open up about the sexual abuse he experienced as child, a fact I doubted would have ever come up without the influence of a truth serum and something which I was certain had driven him to substance abuse in the first place.

While we laughed, chatted and danced with Dani and Mark, Ella, who claimed to be a part time poet and part-time model, entered a viral script virus onto our wireless network by requesting our wifi password. Something we provided willingly, without second thought. This meant remote access to every digital device we owned and access to all stored personal information including scanned copies of our passports and birth certificates.

The issue with Mark, despite his criminal lifestyle, was that he was excellent company. Intelligent, engaging and a DJ in his spare time- we thrived off his love of hip hop and old-school funk. Similarly, he thrived off our property location in the Inner North- close to his regular customers and discrete enough from the prying eyes of authority. We welcomed him into our home with open arms, deprived of social contact through social distancing practices enforced by the pandemic. We held COVID19 illegal gatherings where we got high off Mark’s supply, enjoyed each other’s company while Ella hacked our electronic identities. When you’re lonely, it doesn’t really matter if others are using you and you’re using them. As long as everyone is filling a clearly defined role, the maladaptive social ecosystem continues to function.

It’s unclear exactly how many international drug smuggling routes were established using our stolen online identities before Jake clued on that something wasn’t right. He told me that he had been locked out of his email account, that the speed of his phone had slowed and that he could hear clicking noises during his phone calls. He was certain that his was a breach of online security and started to question the motives of our new friends. I wrote him off as crazy, blaming his excessive use of amphetamines and the psychological effect of social isolation. I was determined to keep my online identity public, obsessed by the idea of becoming the next millennial therapist and too blinded by Dani’s beauty to believe that she would want to harm us in any way.

Eventually Jake’s distress became too extreme to ignore and he shook me violently one night, yelling at me to believe what I had assumed was a paranoid conspiracy theory. A sinking feeling in my gut became apparent when he started to coherently piece together his concerns about his online security issues. I realized that my sense of reality had been clouded by my lust for Dani and by a dark depression that had developed through my work as an essential worker during a pandemic. Based on Jake’s erratic behaviour, I knew we had to get out of the warehouse immediately, but I had no idea where to go and was fearful of drawing attention to any law-breaking activity when police presence was so prominent.

We agreed to seek refuge with our friends Trish and Rick, former 90s British ravers who had channeled their drug-fuelled benders into successful and respectable careers. I called them panicked that night, shaking and rambling about what had happened. Without hesitancy, Trish told us to come over right away. Rick’s brother back in the UK had recently killed himself and they were struggling too. Trish and Rick lived in an affluent area in the inner East which meant we needed to blend in quickly through a disguise of expensive athleisure and an almost painful sense of normality. It appeared that our efforts at disguise were successful and it seemed to result in freedom from any unusual online activity on our devices. We bought new phones, changed our phone numbers, email addresses and disconnected from the outside world for an entire week. We spoke about going to the police, however we both agreed that this would place us at too much risk to the criminal world to be a viable option.

When your online identity is stolen, you quickly start to daydream what it would be like to steal someone else’s identity. For example, what exactly would you do with those proceeds of crime? Which tropical island would you escape to, what designer clothes would you wear, which car would you drive? I quickly became entranced and jealous at the thought of this fantasy life, but then spent time reflecting on my own morality and these feelings subsided. Instead, an intense anger developed at the thought of others taking advantage of Jake and his mental illness. High on a sense of ethical superiority and new found fury, I decided to employ my favourite psychological defense mechanism, repression, to cope with my latest traumas. May you rest in peace, memory, I said to myself before engaging in my daily mediation ritual.

While repressing my consciousness, I also began to focus on the importance of social support. I knew this shit was important but didn’t fully understand until Trish brushed my hair one night, my arms too frail from fear and stress to function. Trish and Rick played familiar Britpop, drank tea and encouraged us to embrace the therapeutic benefits of music through use of the guitar and keyboard that we had brought to their house. We took turns cooking for each other, played board games and counselled each other through each personal problems, one at a time.

Jake and I stayed with Trish and Rick for two weeks until we could establish an exit plan from the city. We migrated to rural Victoria like many other Melbournians, traumatized by the lockdown. The pace in the country was slow yet calming and people genuinely seemed to care about your welfare when they inquired “How you going, mate?” After such an extended period of social isolation, many of us forgot how to interact with others. We valued and craved human connection more than ever, and yet we seemed scared of what we might connect with. We continued to develop our own deformed version of sign language to communicate through the face masks and focused on re-developing social skills that had been lost through extended disconnection.

Jake and I continued to battle through the challenges of online identity theft and the consequences of his addiction issues. Jake’s substance use had subsided substantially without the influence of Mark and Dani and we eventually adjusted to living normal, routine driven lifestyles. He had cycled through periods of problematic use before, however I still felt somewhat shell shocked by the intensity of his most recent relapse. However, one day late in December I found myself wandering through the tranquility of the Otways, fully freed from the constraints of the lockdown which had finally lifted and contemplating my progress in life since leaving this place as a teenager. The rainforest sounds were vivid and the smells of the ocean salty in my nostrils. I wasn’t where I had planned to end the year 2020, but I was alive and I had Jake. And for that, I felt eternally grateful.

Rosso Del Giorno

Your journey starts here.

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POLITICS

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FORGE

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[nyacromancey]

Killing Stalking and Hannibal

TW: abuse, violence 

 I thought I’d take a closer look at these two pieces of media, Killing Stalking and the Hannibal franchise (TV show centered, with parts from the books). Under the cut if you’d like to read on. This will probably reach, like, two people who’ve read/watched these works lol. 

 First, let’s start off with the main antagonists around which our protagonists revolve. Hannibal Lecter and Oh Sangwoo. The two have equally distressing and traumatic childhoods that leave a large imprint upon their adult lives. These imprints are fixations on female relatives (Mischa and Eunseo respectively) and a need to almost reenact these traumatic events in the form of serial killing.

World War II occurred during Hannibal Lecter’s childhood, causing them to remove themselves from their home to escape to an isolated area to avoid the Germans. However, later, the Soviets make their way to the lodge only to be bombed; the bomb killed everyone but the children. With Mischa and Hannibal Lecter captured, six deserters leave them in a barn. After running out of food, the deserters take Mischa to kill her and eat her. Hannibal fails in his attempt to save her, and later, is unknowingly fed parts of her. From this moment onward, Hannibal’s perception of reality is altered. He becomes violent and vengeful, seeking the deserters’ deaths. His fascination with killing those offensive to him escalates until he begins eating them, creating a cycle for his adult life. He meticulously cultivates a “person suit” to wear in America, becoming the cannibal psychiatrist, doctor, and chef whom we all know. 

 Oh Sangwoo’s childhood was turbulent. Having a mentally ill mother attempt to smother him with a pillow when he was a toddler certainly isn’t good parenting skills. His mother coddles him throughout childhood, cheating on her husband repeatedly. It is unknown when the switch occurs, but eventually Sangwoo’s father turns violent towards his son and wife. It’s the perfect situation for Sangwoo’s mother to create an “us vs him” relationship with her son, lavishing affection upon him up until the moment she poisons his father and blames the act on him. She then begins to attempt to poison her son. Sangwoo, believing the relationship between his mother and him to be strong and loving, soon becomes obsessed with counting the pills she used to kill his father. The story escalates with his mother snapping and holding him hostage to abuse him, eventually killing herself and claiming he will die a “most painful death.” After her death, Sangwoo becomes paranoid and delusional, believing that any woman he encounters will attack and hurt him the same as his mother, and so he kills them first. 

 The complete failure of proper authorities to ensure mental health issues were not present leads to these characters becoming serial killers in their own rights. They keep up charming and likable fronts to the public eye. Then they meet characters and learn they don’t have to be alone. Both Hannibal and Sangwoo, in my opinion, strived to be understood and known by another person, but they weren’t aware of this longing until they meet people who they do want to share with. In Hannibal’s case, Will Graham becomes the person who he wants to share with. For Sangwoo, Yoon Bum essentially crashes into his life with an obsession with his person suit, and gradually, with him as he truly is. 

Yoon Bum already “knew” Sangwoo by the time he broke into his house and found the girl in his basement. He believed himself to be in love with him, and when Sangwoo returns to find him there, he confesses his feelings for him. Sangwoo is shocked by this, but with Bum being there and seeing his true self to a degree, he sees Bum as a threat. So he breaks his ankles and chains him up to take the girl’s place. Yet with Hannibal meeting Will, a stranger to him, he sees in them qualities that he wants to exploit for his own benefit. He, in a way, forces his beliefs and manipulations upon him to make him dance for his own pleasure. He wants to see his brains in action.

 Sangwoo and Yoon Bum and Hannibal and Will’s arcs follow similar paths in regards to Hannibal and Sangwoo’s manipulations of them. They see similarities in their chosen partners with themselves and want to “test” them in certain ways. When they fail to complete the tests or react in a certain way, both characters punish them for it. Sangwoo’s abuse is more physical and recoverable (hitting, hanging, choking) and later apologizing for acting in such a way and becoming more affectionate. Hannibal, on the other hand, puts himself on more of a pedestal. He isn’t capable of mistakes, and if he punishes Will, Will deserves it. This is shown in the mental manipulations of Will to frame him as a murderer and, later, stabbing him. 

 While neither relationships express a healthy version of love, the characters develop an unhealthy codependency on each other--the closest form to love they can reach, as damaged as they are. Sangwoo and Bum have extreme highs and lows in their relationship because Sangwoo and Bum’s unchecked mental illnesses frequently interfere with their visions of each other. Sangwoo is extremely reluctant to acknowledge his feelings for Bum and even dislikes Bum mentioning his own (shown by Bum crying out “I like you” during sex and Sangwoo responding with “Shut up”). However, the “sweet” middle part of both relationships is centered on these moments, but they are prevented from being truly together because of deceptions. Will makes Hannibal believe he killed Freddie Lounds, when all he is trying to do is get revenge on Hannibal for his past misdeeds. Sangwoo is still refusing to acknowledge his past and how it affects his relationship with Bum. Hannibal and Bum are blissful in their newfound love for their partner, unknowing of the hidden truths they’re hiding. 

Their arcs come full circle, with Hannibal and Sangwoo eventually realizing that their root cause for acting the way they do is grounded in their chosen partners. Hannibal realizes he loves Will, and by loving Will, he should complete the circle as done before and eat him. In comparison, Sangwoo’s mental illness spirals downward when he realizes Bum and his mother fill the same roles in different ways. While Hannibal places Mischa on a pedestal higher than himself, Sangwoo is haunted by his mother in drastic forms of love and hate. He expresses regret for not killing Bum earlier; his paranoia is taking over him as his belief that Bum is trying to poison him solidifies. However, while Hannibal and Will frequently communicate, Bum is oblivious to Sangwoo’s deteriorating self. Because they do not properly communicate, Sangwoo’s final snap leads to the permanent separation of Bum and him. Sangwoo reverts to the cold, unfeeling person we saw in the first episode; any progress on him wanting to be “different” is lost in his delusion of Bum trying to kill him and, in the end, the belief that Bum does not truly love him. For a character that frequently communicated his need to be loved for who he was, Bum betrayed him by failing to acknowledge it. Sangwoo dies without receiving any communication with Bum despite crying out for him until he was suffocated. Bum takes Sangwoo’s ashes back to his house, to the place where it all began, and hallucinates their good times until he imagines Sangwoo leading him out onto a busy road. I choose to believe Bum was hit by a car at this point, echoing their promise to die together or, at least, close to each other. 

 On the other hand, Hannibal realizing his arc coming full circle is not the way he intends his life to go. After long periods of time, Hannibal and Will are reunited and kill together, and as Hannibal says, “This is all I ever wanted for you, Will. For both of us” and Will responding with, “It’s beautiful” shows their growth, yet Will pulling them off the cliff also gives them a definitive ending (if that is indeed the ending). 

 Hannibal and Will were allowed to grow; Sangwoo and Bum were not. Hannibal and Will end the story together; Sangwoo and Bum’s story ends as it began: with Bum chasing after Sangwoo. Personally, I would have loved to see Sangwoo and Bum’s relationship end on a more Hannibal-esque note, and that’s where I believed the story was going when Sangwoo had Bum kill Jieun, but I have to acknowledge Koogi’s excellent writing in not going that route. Yes, the ending hurt. However, ending the story at the beginning, so to speak, was definitely strong.

[evangelineartemiasamos]

have you read the dragon republic? what do you think of it?

Sorry this took me so long, but I didn’t want to reply with “haven’t read it yet, but I plan to”, so I waited until I’ve finished the book.

I’m somewhat disappointed with it, mainly for two reasons. Spoilers!

1) Rin is quite an irritating protagonist. It’s strange when she claims to be morally right in the first place given that she is a woman who committed genocide, but even worse is that she doesn’t have a moral compass but rather a moral rollercoaster. First she says one thing, then the other, depending on wholly subjective, unreasonable standards. Like, she is more angry that some people have to eat but not that other people have to starve in the first place? Like, she’d rather all people suffer equally???

Her motivations are an even bigger conundrum. First, she just wants to survive, then she wants to die, then she wants to lead, then she wants be ordered around, then she is pissed off when people don’t agree with her opinions, then she feels guilty about what she has done, then she stops feeling that way, only to feel guilty about something else that isn’t even her fault etc etc. And later on, she complains (again) that people pick a side just to survive as if she hasn’t done the same thing. IDK what the destination of her character is, all comes down to being angry because she needs to be angry about something, just because. Probably Kuang wanted to write a a character who is rightfully angry but the way she wrote Rin as always being angry just erases the cause of her rage: It doesn’t matter anymore if something is unjust and wrong when you’re angry for the sake of being angry because you begin to contradict yourself and you stop to care about the things you claim to be angry about. Rin’s anger isn’t rightful, it’s part of her mental illness. You can blame the Phoenix for it, though the book claims she stops hearing the Phoenix at some point, so make of that what you will.

All in all, Rin’s sole conflict is whether “to burn or not to burn” which is also her main military tactic: kill as many people as possible or necessary, she has never other advice when she takes part in war meetings. As if she didn’t go to a military academy and learned warfare and strategy! She doesn’t deserve to be treated like having literal firepower is the only thing she can contribute to war. This is esp. frustrating in the middle section where she loses her superpowers so The Guys™ (more on that later) can talk actual strategy while Rin is only supposed to ask where to run and who to kill. It’s like Rin lost her brain because of her mental illness and the possession of the Phoenix that burns up her character. It’d be different if the book recognized that but I don’t really see it in TDR; it acts like it’s a natural progression that Rin is reduced to anger and her mental illness nothing to be concerned about.

And her whole, “I don’t care about democracy, I don’t care about politics”-attitude really made me question why I should root for Rin of all people in the book, and not someone who knows what to strive for. 

I also don’t like that she wants Nezha to become a shaman although the book makes it abundantly clear that being a shaman is totally shitty apart from the superpower. Like, the book never stops reminding us that shamanism only brings madness and death. Nezha wants to remain sane, is that so bad? I also think that Rin should consider that - trying to care for her mental health instead of reducing herself to a soldier who is a living mass-destruction weapon. That she and everyone else only consider her as that is sad, not making her important. BTW, Nezha suffering from constant pain which never stopped him from being a capable fighter? Talking about ableism …

2) The book is disturbingly sexist and violent to women. Here are some examples. There is no relevant female character besides Rin who isn’t a villain, and all female side characters are equally villified or raped or killed off or described as weak and incompetent. Even the empress is called weak and the narrative likes to point out that the empress only made it this far because her deity is so strong and because she is sexy enough to seduce people to her side. Repeat: The empress isn’t powerful because she is competent but because she is beautiful. She isn’t clever, but has a sexy body. It’s peak sexism to code a female villain this way. In contrast, male beauty inspires loyalty?

When the empress uses a cruel strategy costing innocent lives, she is a vile monster that has to be stopped, when a male general applies the same strategy, it’s ugly but necessary. This is most apparent when it comes to Jinzha: He is often called cruel but his deeds are shrugged off and accepted as okay and when he dies, it’s portrayed as the tragic loss of a good leader. What?

Otherwise, it’s disturbing how Rin reacts when women are killed: She rather feels with the murderer or the man suffering a loss (sometimes the same person!!) than with the woman who dies. There’s a scene when Rin hears of a myth about a goddess whose suitors drown in the pursuit of her. The goddess is called “a bitch” for letting those men who harassed her die. Seriously. And is there any reason why the Sorqan Sira and Qara have to die??? Oh, I suppose it will matter in the next book but still: That cemented the book’s sexism for me. A female leader isn’t allowed to stay alive and in power. I felt like I was in an sjm book.

But hey, even though the other female characters are treated like shit, we still have Rin as the female lead, right? Well, that’s what I thought in the first book. But with book 2, I’m not so sure anymore. First of all, Rin’s gender doesn’t play a role in her story, but okay, that’s not a must. Yet on the other hand, I don’t think her story is written as empowering in general.

Rin never gets to be right from the start. She is always wrong somewhere, she comes to false conclusions, acts rashly, and makes mistakes and then she has to be corrected, to be chastised, to suffer abuse, only to learn and start again from a weaker position. Her fate revolves pain, abuse and destruction, period.

She also never gets encouragement. No one tells her she is more than a weapon, that she doesn’t deserve to be dehumanized, called insults and used like a tool. No one protects her against (verbal) abuse. Actually, being called useful are the only moments when she feels worthy of respect! Duh, I said I don’t agree with her often, but that is too much. To me, it’s clear the narrative wants her to suffer and nothing else. If the only empowering moments for her are when she uses her superpower, it’s not empowerment at all, because she still isn’t respected for herself (note that I believe superpowers are overrated as metaphors for empowerment in general because they are unrelatable for real life people compared to learned skills. EG in Captain Marvel, Maria flying through the canyon will always be more inspiring than Carol suddenly being able to crush spaceships with a wave of her hand).

What I like the book though is that - once you’ve steeled yourself for the grimdark, violent content - it’s rather easy to read and never boring. Naval battles on rivers are something fresh, too. It’s creative too that Kuang made-up a western country and religion instead of picking and adapting one european country and branch of christianity - not that they wouldn’t deserve it. It’s still the same bullshit in different words and a strong call out of the horrors of colonization, social darwisnism, white supremacy and christianity.

Also, the last hundreds pages make up for some of my frustration as finally, the characters realize what goes on behind the scenes and begin to doubt and act on their own. On the other hand, I don’t get what stopped the characters from figuring out that shit in the first 550 pages as many readers will certainly wondered EG about Vaisra’s real plans. I hope in the next book, Rin will show more of her leading skills now that she’s a general and see herself as more than a weapon (please).

I’ve read by now that Rin is supposed to become a dictator like Mao Zedong and that makes me excited, tbh. I’d like to read about a villain protagonist but please let it be one with a brain and a purpose.

[myfandomrambles]

Iroh & Zuko: A study in change and healing.

Uncle Iron and Zuko’s relationship is one I find truly interesting. It shows an interesting look into how people can change, how people can help others, the nature of wisdom and addresses healthy relationships that can survive toxicity. 

So first change, this is obviously Zuko’s main character arch change and redemption, that’s been talked about ad nauseam, but Iroh also changed beforehand. We can infer he had a period of time that changed him the same way Zuko did over the course of the show. 

Iroh isn’t a magically better person, but one of the main reasons he can be a good force in Zuko’s life is his past change. Iroh always had a tendency towards knowledge and mastered the more spiritual part of Firebending. He also seemed to be more comfortable playing Pai Sho and tea than being a leader. I think his quest for knowledge and lack of political ambition allowed for the death of his son to be a moment that pushed him to end his military campaign and not challenges Ozai’s power grab. We also know somewhere around this time he joined the Order of The White Lotus connecting him to a force trying to bring back balance. Had he not dealt with the reckoning of the destruction of his own family and past, as well as work through tragedy he would not have been able to as effectively help Zuko. He understood the pain and trauma but he had learned acceptance. He was of course not perfect but having known the hate and found the peace he wasn’t leading Zuko blind. This means that not only can Ioh mentor him from a place of age, be fatherly after having lost his own child, but more than most people also have an inherent connection to the struggle being had. 

Iroh’s important role within the show is as a sage and mentor to primarily Zuko but others as well.  Iroh is calm, accepting, generally level headed and steadfast in his beliefs allowing him to be a guidepost and foil to Zuko’s own erraticism. He loves Zuko deeply and wants nothing more than for him to be able to heal and choose his own path but does challenge him as time goes on knowing if Zuko just lives in pain he can never move forward.

He gives education about the cultures, people and bending of the people they see. He tries to give Zuko the power to work through his own issues. This act is crucial even though Iroh knows Zuko can be a danger to himself and others he doesn’t try and totally strip his autonomy or leave him unable to defend himself. I think this is evident with Zhao in the first book and then the Zuko alone arc in book two. Allowing Zuko to fight for himself when possible, and fail when he has to allows learning and gives real power. This is reinforced when multiple times he tells Zuko that in the end he has to choose what he wants, chose his own destiny and honour. If he wanted Zuko to make good choices reinforcing the life of little choice they came from would have done more damage.

Iroh doesn’t leave him without backup ever either. He’s always there for Zuko either physically having his back in battle, talking to him or even trying to help their crew understand where Zuko is coming from. No one has really had his back since his mother left, and it’s debatable how much she was even capable of doing. Trying to help him understand he isn’t alone is so powerful. Someone just being there for you is one of the most healing things a person can have. And I think more than any of the actual lessons just giving unconditional love was one of the strongest legacies you can leave.

Iroh also modelled what he wanted Zuko to learn. Rather it is Firebending being able to take it with your head held up, letting down walls, enjoying the small things, or brewing the best tea. Iroh lived his ideas making it do as I say and as I do in almost all circumstances. This irked Zuko of course as it was periodically embarrassing for him but I think it was why everyone who met him respected him or at least liked him. Even when Iroh was a man of layers and did have a few secrets he wasn’t duplicitous. Being a model of what you want increases trust and can help it easier to actually learn new ways of being.

Iroh is an example of Wisdom and not just knowledge. I think this difference does matter. Iroh was, of course, a master Firebender knew much of history and culture and was at least a decent military man from the way others spoke of him, but his understanding of the intangible is what makes him powerful. He always knew to watch and learn, he invented multiple bending techniques because he let down the arrogance and took in other ideas. Being a member of the White Lotus he knew and respected the connection of all four elements. He was often a third party within the first book, during the siege of the north we see him chose not to fight really for or against the Fire Nation. He acts to protect the spirits, to keep the balance. He is not averse to using violence (even against his brother or niece) but has a respect for the life of all peoples. This kind of understanding and wisdom is more powerful than any spewing of facts. Because this plays into the level of acceptance he has, makes him a formidable foe and gives him an ability to convey complex ideas.

Trying to find your centre and accepting who you are is an act of connection to the world and yourself. He can help many people Toph, Aang and a street beggar can all listen and understand where he comes from. He can help Zuko through his metamorphosis moment because he understands the connection of identity, health and spirituality.  When you can bring a whole connection to someone it will always be stronger then listing facts or platitudes.

Zuko and Iroh have a relationship that is a blur of found family and blood ties. He is Zuko's biological uncle but they don’t seem to have been exceedingly close when Zuko was very young but after Iroh returned from war become closer. In the world of ancestors, destiny and bloodlines their relationship matters, but their connection was born from love, time, care, compassion, struggling, loss, fighting, and forgiveness. Neither the story or Iroh force Zuko to forgive Ozai or Azula. Iroh recognizes that his brother was abusive and horrible to his children, and recognizes that Aula can’t be left in power. Zuko chooses how he confronts both of these people, disavowing his father, and facing his sister with Katara. Their relationship comes out of this history of abuse and toxicity but is forged forward because of how much they have grown to care for each other in their own right and how much they grow. Iroh is Zuko’s real father in any important way and Zuko is as much his son as Lu Ten ever was.

Real World Techniques:

Through writing a mentor to someone who is clearly dealing with mental illness (C-PTSD, BPD) real-world psychological and coping strategies end up being employed in a strong connection.

-Radical acceptance. I skill taught in the framework of Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT). Iroh has learned to accept his past, and the loss he has shown. Iroh works hard to drag Zuko out of obsessive behaviour by trying to get him to accept that past happens, you can not fix that. Iroh himself embodies this behaviour. He doesn’t force non-action though, the acceptance makes you better able to manage future stress and build better lives.

-Meditation A common skill suggested across mental health and general health practice. He tries to instruct Zuko in this ability as one that is key to being able to properly Firebend and to reach in and use innate human power. This concept also connects people to the spirit world built into the mythology of the world.

-taking responsibility w/out victim blaming. Iroh knows Zuko’s backstory built him into this damaged person, but Iroh doesn’t allow him to hurt others through this. Iroh works to teach him to respect his crew, let down boundaries of pride and learn a new way of working in life. But there is never a time Iroh blames Zuko for the abuse he faced. Ozai’s treatment was never Zuko’s fault. They create an ability to simultaneously own your shit but not stew in self-hate

-We also see the structure we often see in productive de-radicalization programs. Zuko is exposed to the people he was taught to hate, facing the humanity and real-world effects of hate usually begin to break through narratives. Iroh lets him into his own point of view that connects all life, he learns the practice of living within balance instead of the belief system jammed into his brain, doesn’t let Zuko uses his past as reason for his behaviour, and acts and expects Zuko to let the humanity of The Earth Kingdom colour his view. The dissidence from his childhood beliefs and the new ones he can’t integrate into his life. This is crucial to his being able to learn the history of the fire nation, even describing the earth kingdom people favourably before his complete transformation.

Learning to use empathy across whole peoples is powerful to deprogram people, he is expected to verbally and through actions show contrition. Zuko is eventually able to connect to this over his indoctrination. The ability to come with humility and not expect the other side to forgive you. Often framed as seeking forgiveness from the people he does not deserve it from. This behaviour can work in reality and seeing played on screen is part of why this arc resonates across the media.

-Iroh helps Zuko find and construct meaning. The loss of a belief system Zuko experiences through his trauma leaves him in horrible confusion. Iroh helps him connect to his past giving a new lens to view the world from. He can’t do so from the position he held before having that structure built for him.

-I mentioned previously Iroh providing Zuko with a degree of control. Long term child abuse often creates either extreme self-reliance or sometimes learned helplessness. Offering both the ability to protect and control his life combined with having his back can combat both of these. Along with the deeply obsessive thought patterns around the avatar.

I truly belive their relationship is hugley important. Two characters who fit simple archetypes at the start are allowed to bloom into deeply strong and complex real feeling characters. Iroh is shown to be powerful, respected, incredibly kind and wise. We can all learn from him, and be shown a powerful love. Zuko’s own arch ahs been seen as groundbreaking for years but without Zuko we wouldn’t have had a person to guide and reflect this. Adding layers to the world and understanding ourslves. 

[Requested by nbj on AO3]

[howwelldoyouknowyourmoon]

If a Loved One is Involved with a High-Demand Group (Cult)

Steve K. D. Eichel, ICSA President

People who contact ICSA often ask, “Is X a cult?” In its first form as the American Family Foundation, and now as the International Cultic Studies Association, ICSA has tried to provide helpful perspectives on this vexed and challenging issue.

Although ICSA’s website and member e-library have information on about 1,000 groups, questioners have been frustrated when they cannot find a list of “cults” on the website; however, we maintain that it is more important to understand why certain interpersonal dynamics may be harmful than to label a group a cult or a person a cultic leader. As the writers who follow demonstrate, the word cult, while useful, may also be “thought terminating” because it may conjure up stereotypes that interfere with productive inquiry and accurate perception.

We are proud to publish here a representative selection of papers, starting with an essay coauthored by our longtime former president, attorney Herbert Rosedale, more than fifteen years ago, and concluding with an essay by our current president, Steve Eichel, completed this year. The essay “What Is a Cult?” by Professor Russell Bradshaw (2014) is part of a collection of basic papers on cultic issues developed by ICSA’s New York Educational Outreach Committee. —Editors

FOR FAMILIES WHO SUSPECT THAT A LOVED ONE MAY BE INVOLVED WITH A HIGH-DEMAND GROUP (CULT)

By Steve K. D. Eichel

How can I tell if my loved one is in a high-demand group (HDG) or cultic relationship?

Deception is the key to whether a group or person is cultic, or just more dedicated than the rest of us. Historically, groups and persons who have had a beneficial effect on the world have done so without disguising their beliefs or misrepresenting their practices. Every member of a mainline religious community is given lengthy exposure to the beliefs and practices of the community before the member is permitted to make a commitment. Legitimate groups and individuals can do this because they are capable of delivering what they promise.

HDGs and cultic persons, in contrast, promise what no one can deliver. Naturally, because they promise what can be had nowhere else, they can make extraordinary demands on their followers or partners, since the expected reward is also extraordinary. If these persons or groups could deliver on what they promise, we should all be members. Since they cannot, they have to build systems that trick people into joining and staying in the system. This goal is usually accomplished with a kind of bait-and-switch technique.

For example, a group promises eternal inner peace and then trains new recruits in relaxation techniques. The techniques, available in any library, are presented as the secret “wisdom of the ages.” The new recruits are actually able to relax using the technique. Their new ability is ascribed to the uniqueness of the group and proves that the group can deliver on its promises. When the new technique fails, the members can be blamed for not doing it right or can be commended for rising to a new level and needing more training in other techniques. Either way, guilt or praise, the group keeps its devoted without delivering anything else it promised.

Just believing strongly in or committing deeply to a cause, a group, or a person does not mean that one is in a HDG. Through history, countless devoted individuals, groups, and intense belief systems have served to bring societies back from barbarism to respect for human life and liberty. All these groups have accomplished their lofty goals without indulging in the practices below:

The group, its leader, or the partner expects unusual commitment of time and resources to the group. For example: Full-time college students are expected to spend in excess of 20 to 30 hours each week on group-related activities.

The group, its leader, or the partner expects more or less exclusive devotion or focus on the leader or partner, or on the group’s practices or beliefs. Other relationships are discouraged, other honorable persons are overtly or subtly dismissed, and other ideas and lifestyles are ridiculed. The promise is that extreme devotion yields extreme rewards. Members are special, part of an elite; nonmembers are subnormal, and former members are dangerous. Doubts are suppressed by enforcing the practices of the group, in excess: chanting, meditation, speaking in tongues, singing repetitive lyrics, following repetitive work regimens, spending time in endless study (looking up words, etc.).

The group, its leader, or the partner acts as if right and wrong are defined by what furthers or inhibits the interests of the group. The world is defined in sharp, black-or-white categories.

The group, its leader, or the partner emphasizes attraction of new members, collection of money, or participation in the group’s practices to the exclusion of other activities necessary for normal emotional growth.

However minor they might be, thoughts, feelings, and actions of members are expected to be under the benevolent care and direction of the leader or partner.

I think my loved one is in a HDG, or a cultic or abusive relationship; what do I do now? 

Keep the lines of communication open. If initial concerns and doubts are not effective in helping the member to leave, it is not necessary to label the group or partner as cultic or abusive. Remember, this is a cherished belief or person; your loved one may not be capable of rejecting the connection on first or second hearing. Instead, try to keep pregroup or prerelationship memories alive; emphasize the care and love that exists in the relationship now. 

Educate yourself. The International Cultic Studies Association (ICSA) website contains a wealth of information useful to families, along with links to several other organizations and individuals who can provide guidance on specific groups and beliefs. Knowing what you are talking about can prevent miscommunication and promote real understanding in your loved one. Knowledge also prevents you from playing into the hands of the group. Most groups have been incorrectly blamed for things in the past. They will use the media’s misinformation and your misconceptions to make the group seem legitimate.

Create for the loved one a real place to go. More than a job or a place to live, important as these things are, your loved one needs an atmosphere of emotional safety. Extended family and friends also need to be educated in HDG/cult dynamics to minimize awkwardness.

Consult with a cult-aware professional when necessary. This person can assist you with support, understanding, and concrete suggestions to help yourself as well as your loved ones. Please do not take any drastic actions without first consulting a cult-aware professional or consultant. ICSA may be able to help you find appropriate professionals, consultants, or organizations in your area, such as RETIRN, which I cofounded, or Wellspring.

My loved one just left a HDG, how can I help them?

The concepts above apply: Educate yourself, keep the lines of communication open, and try to create a real place to go. Here is where professional resources fit into the whole process. Once your loved one has decided it would not be in her best interest to return to the group or relationship, there is a growing network of mental-health professionals with expertise in cultic dynamics to whom you can turn for assistance.

Most importantly, your loved one may have questions and emotional needs you feel ill-equipped to handle. Not resolving these issues can result in much longer recovery periods; worse, some individuals will not be able to recover on their own at all. There is an old saying: “Time does not heal the wounds of betrayal.” Your loved one may not be able to “get over” the experience the way she might overcome some other obstacle in life.

Many mental-health professionals and clergy feel ill-equipped to meet the needs of former cult members. Our experience is they are better equipped than they think. A background in the social psychology of undue influence and the impact of traumatic experiences—which many professionals have—along with a willingness to listen before judging and “pathologizing” either former members or families, often provides a firm foundation for effective helping. Consultation with professionals and paraprofessionals (including cultic scholars and former members experienced with helping other former members) is available and often extremely useful.

Educate yourself, keep the lines of communication open, and try to create a real place to go.

Steve K. D. Eichel, PhD, ABPP, ICSA President, is Past-President of the American Academy of Counseling Psychology and the Greater Philadelphia Society of Clinical Hypnosis. He is a licensed and Board-certified counseling psychologist whose involvement in cultic studies began with a participant-observation study of Unification Church training in its Eastern seminary (in Barrytown, NY) in the spring of 1975. To date, his doctoral dissertation is the only intensive, quantified observation of a deprogramming. He was honored with AFF’s 1990 John G. Clark Award for Distinguished Scholarship in Cultic Studies for this study, which was published as a special issue of the Cultic Studies Journal and has been translated into several foreign languages. In 1983, along with Dr. Linda Dubrow-Marshall and clinical social worker Roberta Eisenberg, Dr. Eichel founded the Re-Entry Therapy, Information & Referral Network (RETIRN), one of the field’s oldest continuing private providers of psychological services to families and individuals harmed by cultic practices. RETIRN currently has offices in Newark, DE, Lansdowne, PA, Pontypridd, Wales, and Buxton, England (UK). In addition to his psychology practice and his involvement with ICSA, Dr. Eichel is active in a range of professional associations. He has coauthored several articles and book reviews on cult-related topics for the CSJ/CSR.

ICSA  https://www.icsahome.com/

Saying Good-bye to the Guru – Steve Eichel

The Guru Papers: Masks of Authoritarian Power – quotes

Reward and punishment, guilt, shame, and forgiveness—this is the stuff religions use for control

[so-i-did-this-thing]

Emotional abuse in platonic relationships (long)

My tumblr is usually my escapism fun zone, but it’s time for a quick serious talk.

I've been in a few emotionally abusive platonic relationships and was always frustrated that nearly every help article I read online was written primarily for cis women in a hetero, romantic relationship. Most guides talked about physical violence, sex, and a whole slew of other circumstances I did not experience.

Unfortunately, emotional abusive is not limited just to romantic relationships. Platonic relationships, especially long-term or otherwise intense ones (for example, those that spawn in fandom and minority spaces), can be just as difficult to recognize, confront, and escape.

I thought it might be helpful to outline patterns of abuse I have experienced in a platonic relationship with someone of the same gender. These abuse tactics are forms of control and most are intended to isolate and break down the victim. While it’s easy to write off behaviors individually, together, they form destructive and very deliberate patterns.

More below the cut. I’ve sat on this article for about 3 years to help distance myself from these bad friendships and make sure it wasn’t just me lashing out in the moment. Some of this content may be triggering for emotional and sexual abuse and transphobia.

Note: I'm writing this from the perspective of a trans man. These examples and quotes (some paraphrased) are real things told to me by various abusers. While the examples are very specific to me in some cases, the overall behavior is not.

1. Abusers carefully monitor and audit their victim's activity. Abusers constantly inject themselves into their victim's life and interrogate their victim when they're not included in something. 

Examples:

·         "I saw you check-in at the movies last night, why didn't you invite me?"

·         "I can't believe you took your mom to the new restaurant I've been wanting to go to."

·         "You never invite me to events with your grade school friends when they are in town."

2.  Abusers follow their victims into places they'd otherwise not have an interest, in order to stalk and exert control. Example:

·         Be wary of abusers who only start using social media when you do, especially if they only follow you and primarily vague-blog criticism and threats

3.  Abusers criticize their victim for not being supportive enough, even when the victim is actively supporting them. Example:

·         ::while hanging out together:: "You never hang out with me."

4.  Abusers constantly keep score... but only when it's in their favor. Example:

·         When I was unemployed and he was taking home more in a week than I could scrape together in a few months: “You should buy me this more expensive birthday present because you owe for me gas to the movies from a few months ago."

5.  Abusers use personal information to engage in social currency pissing matches and even blackmail. Examples:

·         "Oh, you're X's friend, too? [Let me tell you some in-jokes that embarrass my victim friend or establish I’m the superior friend due to having a long history.]”

·         "You wouldn't be where you are today if I wasn't the first person you came out to."

·         “You wouldn’t be so successful if I hadn’t introduced you to Y.”

6.  Abusers isolate their victims from work, friends, and family. Abusers consistently criticize their victim's family and friends. They focus on demonizing people/entities, rather than behaviors. Examples:

·         "I hate your job." vs "I hate when your work schedule interferes with our plans."

·         "I hate your friends." vs "I hate when your friends are pessimistic about this game."

7. Abusers are quick to demonize former relationships as a way of confirming their friendship is the superior one. Examples:

·         "Your ex was such a stupid bitch."

·         "I'm glad you don't hang out with those moochers anymore."   

8. When abusers can't isolate their victim from their friends/family, they use friends/family as leverage. Examples:

·         “Are you sure you can’t go to this event with me? Let me ask your partner.”

·         “Don’t tell me I can’t afford this, your mom can just loan me some money.”

9.  Abusers consider everything an immutable promise to set you up for failure. Examples

·         "You promised we'd see a movie at 7pm, I don't care that there's an emergency at your office, you’re a terrible friend for not hanging out with me."

10.   Abusers are hypocrites, especially when it comes to standards of friendship. Example:

·         "Respect is the most important thing to me..." :: consistently uses sexist language when asked not to::

11.   Abusers reduce every conflict to being about them and put their needs first. Example:

·         "I can't believe you'd spring on me that your partner is bigender."

12. Abusers treat your ability to care about something/one as a finite resource to be competed over. Example:

"You care more about [online trans friend who has been feeling suicidal] than you care about me."

12.   Abusers claim their victim's passions for their own as another stalking/control tactic and way to ignore seeing their victim as an actualized person with diverse interests/needs. Examples:

·         "That's really great fan art you drew, is it for me?

·         "Your cosplay is awesome, where's my costume?"

·         I've had a few abusers write really awkward self-insert fanfics that played out like fandom bingo in an attempt to garner my favor.

13.   Abusers will often try to mimic their victim's successes, but only in a superficial way and will blame the victim for their failures. Examples:

·         "I started a blog, but no one is following me because you're not promoting my posts enough."

·         "You told me to keep drawing, but still no one likes my art. It's all your fault."

14.   Abusers turn their victim's passions against them. Abusers ridicule their victim's interests, beliefs, etc. Examples:

·         "It isn't fair you're so talented. I'm totally worthless compared to you."

·         "I've lost you and everything I cared about to a mediocre movie (that you love so much)."

·         "SJWs and trans-trenders stole you away from me."

·         "You're always so angry about trans stuff, I want the old (depressed, submissive) you back."

15.   Abusers interfere with their victim’s work/school/sleep to keep them off-guard. Examples:

·         :: numerous texts demanding an immediate reply during a busy work day or on a commute::

·         :: threats at 3am ::

16.   Abusers forcefully involve victims in their plans and control their schedule without warning. Examples:

·         There was a period of time in which I didn't drive much do to being poor, and an abuser took advantage of that to force me into going to places to watch him buy things for an hour or more before dropping me off at home.

·         Another abuser would just start following me at conventions, into panels, vendor rooms, sit down at lunch, etc.

17.   Abusers pressure victims to make decisions that are financially and/or otherwise harmful to their victim. Example:

·         “Buy this $300 wargaming army so we can finally do fun stuff together.”

(I was spending hundreds of dollars a month I couldn't afford trying to keep up with my abuser's frequently changing interests, all of which were framed as critical to maintaining our friendship.)

18.   Abusers minimize or ridicule their victim’s problems, especially when compared to their own.

Examples:

·         "Moving my birthday party to tomorrow is just as bad as when someone misgenders you."

·         “I can’t believe you’re skipping out on hanging with me this weekend.”

(Said when I was finally confronting my hoarding problem and had been up for 24+ hours doing an aggressive cleanout.)

19.   Abusers make their victims doubt their self-worth. Example:

·         "Your blog is just whoring for attention. You're such a narcissist." (said while I was finally starting to like my body as a trans person)

20.   Abusers gaslight and misrepresent events in order to cast doubt on your memory & concerns. Example:

·         "That never happened that way. Once again, I'm always right."

21.   Abusers are unpredictable with their praise and criticism, which makes the victim further question themselves.

22.   Abusers constantly demand positive reinforcement, often publicly. Example:

·         "Tell me why you're still friends with me."

·         "Name one good thing about me."

·         “You didn’t credit that I took that photo you posted on Tumblr, don’t you care about me? Go edit your post now.”

23.   Abusers make their victim feel they are responsible for the abuser's well-being. Abusers turn their victim into a commodity. Examples:

·         "My life would fall apart without you." ·        ”I need my BFF time!”

·         "You don’t care about me. I'm going to kill myself."

(Note: I take suicide threats seriously and it’s outside the scope of this article to discuss self-harm threats as abuse tactics vs mental illness.)

24.   Abusers publicly (and often threateningly) communicate in a way that is obscure to everyone... but sends a very clear message to you. Examples:

·         "I hate birds. Especially crows." (My partner's goes by the name Crow.)

·        ::flood of memes on Facebook about “real friends” after a fight::

25.   Abusers only apologize to make themselves feel better. Example:

·         "If I apologize, will you stop being mad at me?" vs "I'm sorry I hurt your feelings."

26.   Abusers rationalize specific instances of abuse to deflect from overall abusive patterns. Examples:

·         "I'm just really stressed right now, you know that work is killing me."

·         :: various co-opting the language of social justice & concern-trolling ::

27.   Abusers blame their victims for their abuse. Examples:

·         "I wouldn't have screamed at you in public if you hadn't made me so angry!"

·         "I was just joking, you're too sensitive."

28.   Abusers place their relationship above all others. Examples:

·         "I can't believe you extended your (first) date instead of hanging out with me."

·         “Why did you go out to dinner with your mom instead of hanging out with me?”

29.   Abusers set unrealistic expectations of how much you should interact. Example:

·         One of mine would get demanding if we didn't text every few hours, hang out virtually several hours each evening, and in-person every weekend.

30.   Abusers state they'll do anything for their victim, but never deliver on this promise, often berating their victim for even asking for help. Example:

·         "I'd do anything for you...", followed by, "... I can't believe you asked me to help you move"

31.   Abusers often make an effort to be charming and even caring in public. This makes the victim feel like they're the only ones suffering abuse, and thus, it must be their fault.

32.   Abusers pretend to reform, but it's mainly a tactic to shut down further criticism. Example:

·         "You're right, I'm a terrible person. I promise I'll change. Can we talk about something else now?"

33.   Abusers demand their victims be complicit in their abuse by redefining the nature of friendship and pressuring their victim to not question the abuse. Examples:

·         "A real friend would never criticize me." ·         "A real friend would agree with everything I do.”

34.   Abusers spend more and more of their time with their victim discussing their failings as a friend. Example:

·         “I told [mutual friend] about what you’ve been doing and she agrees with me that you’re a horrible friend.”

35. Abusers want you to swear allegiance to them, especially very early in a relationship. Example: ·         “Let’s get matching BFF tattoos.”

36. Abusers frame conversations they haven’t been invited to as talking/plotting behind their backs. Example:

·         In response to a side chat in which my grade school friends & I talked about family updates, etc: “I can’t believe you set up your own private chat without me. Traitor.”

37. Abusers constantly define and redefine their victim’s identity. Examples: ·        ”Trans men who want [x] shouldn’t consider themselves men.” ·       ”You are the ‘best of both worlds’” (A gross allusion to my transness and a prelude to later telling me he wanted to fuck me.)

38. Abusers police their victim’s appearance, even if it is harmful. Example: ·      “I don’t want you starting hormones. I want you to stay the way you are.”

39.  Abusers use call-outs as excuses for even more abuse and blame victims for feeling victimized. Examples:

·         “When you talk about this with other people, it makes me feel bad, I can’t believe you’re doing this to me.”

·         Abusers I’ve left instantly reacted with rage that made me feel unsafe.

40. Abusers feign concern as segues into making demands. Example: ·      “Are you OK after the hurricane? Btw, I saw your latest cosplay photos, how about we coordinate a new cosplay for me?”

Not all abusers use all of these tactics, and a behavior in and of itself does not necessarily mean someone is an abuser. It’s especially difficult to identify abuse if you and/or your abuser is disadvantaged, have a mental illness, etc. The key is to recognize a consistent pattern of abuse.

Platonic abuse has serious consequences: Stress, depression, anxiety… it can cause physical health problems, financial disaster, and destroy healthy relationships.

Even when you escape, you may spend years recovering and unlearning coping behaviors originally developed to minimize/deflect abuse. In my case, I got into the habit of lying about my plans because I didn't want to be read the riot act that I hadn't invited my abuser to something intimate, like a mother's day dinner or a date. So now, my current gut reaction when asked where I’ve been, what I’ve been doing, what I’ve bought is to *lie* or shut down, and I HATE IT.

But, I'm happy that I've been learning how to identify and distance myself from toxic people. Unpacking my personal abuse is a slow, often painful process, but I hope it helps folks who have found themselves in similar relationships.

Platonic abuse is real and we shouldn’t be afraid to talk about it.

[littlebabycrybtch]

ok ik bitches are still going to complain but i gotta rant to keep my shit together;;; ngl after being stuck co-raising two babies now i really feel genuinely Disgusted by unnecessary parent critique. like it actually makes me feel so viscerally upset and depressed when i remember nobody gets this or cares to and probably just wants to call out what im doing wrong, instead of lend me a hand to do it better. man im not treading lightly here the ‘no excuses’ mentality is literally Inhumane to parents and dehumanizes them as these superhumans, they arent, they are people trying to take care of themselves Plus One. there Are ‘excuses’ for not being perfect. just bc every child deserves perfect doesnt mean it can be given and that fucking SUCKS but that is one of the only times im comfortable saying; ‘thats just life’. you cant magically make life better for kids the way you think, you’re not a protector, you’re their Rock to teach them How to DEAL with what life brings, that means you’re allowed to struggle with it too. childcare is like this cosmic design to work you physically and mentally to the brink, fucking forget the normalization of how many people you think you’ve seen raise kids and done fine, it is harder than you can even fathom. they probably did not do fine behind closed doors. the parents with the best behaved and most obedient kids probably did harmful things to make them that way that will eventually come back to them, the parents with the happiest most well adjusted kids probably had the money to provide the extra care for that. there are ‘excuses’. idc if it fucking annoys you or w/e, i dont like being the bitch that says stuff nobody wants to hear, but you truly deeply cannot 100% understand unless you are raising kids, i dont say that to hurt your feewings or exclude you, i used to think that way, i say it bc when you see me passed out on the couch while my nephew gets into something dangerous, its because i got one hour of sleep that night while he kicked me in our bed for 4 hours. he cant help not knowing how that affects both of us, but i cant help being affected by it just cuz im supposed to be ~the big strong adult~, bc i am not a fucking xman. i CANT pretend it all away. while im sitting there napping im also waiting for my mental health meds to start working. im also dizzy from not eating. it sucks that he gets into shit sometimes. hes still gonna get into shit sometimes, and i can do my best, but if i sit here worrying that karens are gonna get pissed abt that and work myself even harder im gonna straight up explode. who does that help. who does me falling apart help. come babysit my kid for free if you wanna help me bitch!

parents are doing twice the work of a normal person while also teaching one of these people theyre caring for, how to BE a person. i used to be SO pro judging parents and im literally nauseated by the judgments now. “i cant believe this parent looked away and their kid got hurt, i cant beleive they just leave them there with a tablet or a snack or a toy while they nap, i cant believe they let them do that, i cant believe--” btich you literally have no idea how lucky you are that they are not both already dead. you are so lucky tehy are both alive and the parent isnt hospitalized for mental health or even physical exhaustion, or addicted to a stimulant (which includes caffeine), or using smth to relax like weed or alcohol (hello wine mom culture), or the kid isnt traumatized from watching their parent have repeatd breakdowns. that is literally better than most situations already. no matter how impossibly perfect the family could be in your mind, kids fuckin get hurt and they make mistakes and the PARENTS make mistakes bc theyre PEOPLE and yall this blows my mind that ppl dont realize this but,,,,, Little kids??? THEY DO NOT LISTEN TO THEIR PARENTS bc they essentially CANT..... for like YEARS there is a period they WILL NOT LISTEN TO YOU at ALL while they have the full autonomy and smarts and strength to cause horrible consequential problems, they are capable of learning how to circumnavigate your ‘babyproofing’ in new ways every single day, but they have ZEROOOOO MORALS OR CAUSE AND EFFECT SKILLS to understand RIGHT FROM WRONG, NO MATTER HOW OFTEN YOU TELL THEM!!!!! IT WONT CHANGE, ITS LITERALLY A PHYSICAL BRAIN THING THAT THEY CANT LEARN WHAT ‘NO’ MEANS FOR A WHILE YET!!! THIS CAN LAST FROM AGE 1 TO 4, SOMETIMES LONGER! THATS GENUINELY INSANITY INDUCING FOR THE ADULT WHOS KEEPING THEM IN LINE HUNDREDS OF TIMES A DAY, KNOWING ITS AMOUNTING TO ALMOST NOTHING UNTIL YEARS LATER!!!! IT DOESNT HELP WHEN PPL JUDGE YOU AND DONT BELEIVE YOU AND THINK YOU JUST ARENT ~TRYING HARD ENOUGH~! holy FUCK dude, idc if you wanna judge, im losing it bc i am being forced to keep my cool while a child whos pinching me and genuinely HURTING and BRUISING me laughs in my face bc he truly DOES NOT KNOW this, and there is NO WAY for me to convey it to make him stop at the moment!!!! thats maddening!!!

listen to me, neither of you dying or experiencing lasting damage is literally the goal every day, not just ‘raising them’, but that you both survive to the end of it. im appalled by how different the lifestyle is and the way ppl just... dont know that/REJECT that information so they get to judge. ofc tiny vulnerable innocent kids deserve the best, parents cannot always provide that if they want to Survive, bc they also deserve , basic understanding and humanity. you call out abuse all you want, theres a difference between the 'lesser of two evils’ choices, or even the genuinely Bad choices you can Accidentally make when at your wits end (which you should immediately correct anyways), and ever causing intentional physical or mental harm to the child, but the secodn yall start nitpicking or blatantly being ignorant to a struggle just so you get your blame validation in i literally cannot AFFORD to give you the time of day, im busy running on minutes of sleep, so if you think i have enough free time to entertain ur whining that my kids got a messy face and has been on his tablet in a highchair for an hour or w/e, idc, im using that time to shower for the first time in 2 weeks bc nobody else is gonna be there for me to let me do that shit :) so frankly put your money where your mouth is and help struggling parents whenever you can. i cant make shit better out of thin air.

“oh, but i dont have the money to help you.” YOU THINK IM AFFORDING CHILDCARE?? YOU CAN COME OVER AND HELP DIRECTLY WHILE I DO CHORES. “oh, but i dont wanna babysit for my friends, i dont like kids.” OH REALLY?????? OH YOU DONT LIKE KIDS??? BC THEYRE DIFFICULT MAYBE ??? SO MAYBE YOU SHOULDNT JUDGE WHEN ITS HARD THEN????? LIKE YOU RLY THINK JUST ‘LIKING THEM’ SUDDENLY MAKES IT EASY FOR ME?? YOU THINK ME FINDING MY NEPHEW CUTE AND LOVING HIM AND HIS LAUGHTER GIVES ME FUCKING SUPERMAN POWERS TO DEAL WITH THIS???????? “but You chose to have kids” rt in my case i literally didnt and would be homeless if not offering to help care for them but HEY COOL CONCEPT PRO CHOICE KINDA FUCKIN INCLUDES WHEN PEOPLE ‘CHOOSE’ TO HAVE KIDS EVEN WHEN THEY STRUGGLE AFTER, TOO LATE TO FUCKIN COMPLAIN NOW, JUST HELP A BITCH OUT. LIke... bro BRO b R O im losing it stop giving parents the inspiration porn treatment while disrespecting the actual struggles they go thru any time the child actually suffers bc they are unable to shield them from their struggle. can i be real, life literally will not go without struggle. you cannot raise them to have a life better than what the world is, you can do your best but you really cant MAKE it fair. once again this is not a ‘raise the perfect child’ contest you are just . trying to raise them at all. its messy. every single day you will have successes and failures, and you’ll be running on empty, and you’ll be doing that just to make it through to do it again tomorrow, while it slowly (AGONIZINGLY SLOWLY) gets easier each day. im tired of pretending lmao i dont wanna hear you bitches judge parents anymore, i dont wanna hear the stupid ass ‘im allowed to’ shit anymore dude!!!!! for gods sake i can agree with you when some shits just plain wrong but ill never apologize for standing up for myself or other struggling parents even if it makes you uncomfy, i can care about Both the child and the parent at the same time, ig i wont ask you why you seemingly cant. 😶 ESPECIALLY when things like classism and ableism tie in so often with these situations. not to mention racism like im white but hoooo if i hear one more story about a black parents ‘negligence’ in efforts of just trying to help their family, like leaving their kids somewhere during a job interview or w/e, vs the white parents that LET THEIR 10 YR OLDS WANDER AROUND MALLS BY THEMSELVES... im gonna scream. im gonna fuckin scream. its so unfair. fuck off, stop the spiteful ignorance, change this shitty hateful culture.

tldr; you Can care about kids while respecting parents, even when they arent perfect. you can advocate for children while also advocating for parents, and in fact, you should fucking try.

[shadowintegration]

I’m trying to figure out why the universe is sending my failing friendships with people who disrespect me and then leave dramatically and paint me as evil.

Here’s what I’ve got so far:

They disrespected me

They hid their true feelings from me

I ignored the bad feeling in my gut

I drew a boundary and they left*

They blame me for our fallout

*on this note, I was thinking.... with the one girl, I was hurting for an extended period of time. She did a lot of hurtful things including talking shit about me while she stayed in my house for free (including meals!) but I had been holding my pain inside in hopes to preserve our friendship. One day I finally snapped and sent her a less than respectful audio telling her to back off and give me space to heal from how she hurt me. (I regretted not waiting a few days because at DBT we learned a communication technique that I could have used had I known it, but at the same time I let her knowingly hurt me for way too long already. And it’s valid of her to be upset that I disrespected her, but she is blind to how many many many times she has disrespected me time and time again and in so many different ways. I think it comes from excessive pride. I am humble enough to admit that I handled all of these friendship conflicts in a less than graceful way. I am still learning after all. A year ago about I tried to reach out to her and apologize, I sent a fucking paragraph! And I was hurt that she replied with a one sentence apology so I made a venting post on my blog just like one sentence and she saw it and took it so so personally and said this is why we can’t be friends ever again don’t ever check my blog again... which like ok.......... I’m allowed to be offended by your fake ass apology that lacked effort and introspection but that’s fine if you’re too prideful to think you did anything wrong. I still pray for you. I still care about you and your family’s wellbeing.

**this point is also not entirely accurate for someone else I have blocked on tumblr. I was forward with her about being willing to be whatever she wanted whether it was friends or a little more, and after that conversation where she didn’t directly say “no” (but her vibe check definitely said NO) she assumed that I was IN LOVE with her. OBSESSED and PINING. How fucking false and self centered, for one thing. And also stop living out of your past trauma!!! I am NOT your abusive EX!! I am also not the person he painted me as, but you must have believed him on some level. Clearly, since you were so thoroughly committed to misunderstanding me and assuming I had all these feelings that were actually all projected from within herself. One day, I was just trying to have a conversation with her as a friend. And I suppose, it’s important to acknowledge at this point I had instituted a policy of honesty, because hiding my truth and my feelings was a huge factor in my prior hospitalization. I was fucking gaslighting myself for years by telling everyone I was “fine” or “just tired”. Dishonesty when answering “how are you” was a form of self harm for me. This girl was offended that she habitually decided to ask how I was and then push for more personal questions to be answered. Very intrusive questions! At the time I thought: she must be really interested in psychology and wants to develop an emotionally intimate friendship. I was fucking WRONG. She was asking me all the questions she wanted someone to ask her. When I would answer honestly (which was CONSISTENTLY a “más o menos” kind of answer like yeah I’m ok but I’m a bit sad today. Like... clearly stating that IM OK but I also am dealing with my mental illness and that’s ok because I know how to do it - it’s my life bro I know how to take care of myself!) she would take my answers, focus on the negative clause in the complex sentence, and hyper focus on it, projecting her unresolved and repressed negative feelings unto me. She snapped at me one day in an attempt to “draw a boundary” apparently (everytime I say “apparently” here, I mean I heard this through a third party) . I couldn’t tell it was her drawing a boundary because it was so fucking out of the blue and was just her misdirected anger (which I’m sure she was angry at herself & we will come back to that shortly)... she used an emotional abuse tactic (manipulating me to make me feel guilty for her actions and lack of self prioritization/ self care) to make me feel bad for consistantly being honest. Apparently, my honesty was overwhelming her and she wanted to draw a boundary to protect herself from my depression. And that’s valid! It’s her methods that I have a problem with!!

To be honest, I was super uncomfortable with probably 85% of the questions she would ask me because they were super personal and (honestly hindsight is 20/20) because I’ll absolutely never go that into detail about my symptoms to anyone who asks who’s not my doctor ever again. No one needs to know my daily struggles that intimately!!! Only the doctor who’s working with me on treatment should know about that! It’s not like I’m necessarily hiding it, I just don’t feel comfortable ever sharing that truth with anyone else ever again (unless they are treating me because my feelings are no ones responsibility to take on.) so like we were kind of on the same page on a “gut” level - we both wanted a boundary and I guess neither of us could enforce one correctly. I realize now I could have refused to answer her questions. But anyways... She snapped at me, saying that I was too much and that she was super stressed and trying to cram for an exam (earlier in the convo she said she was studying, and personally I have studied while talking to friends simultaneously so I thought nothing of it. But clearly she meant to say: “I’m busy studying for an exam I have to concentrate I’ll ttyl.” IT REALLY WAS THAT SIMPLE TO ENFORCE A BOUNDARY RESPECTFULLY, GIRL. but no. She blamed me for distracting her [which, ok sorry for trying to talk to a friend, if you had self control and self respect you would either turn off your notifications or stop checking your messages as a form of self care in order to focus on your priorities. That’s all on you.] and then she projected how bad her mental state was unto me, saying that “she couldn’t need what I need her to be” (even though she said that right before the snap/paragraph and I had replied gracefully “you don’t need to be anyone but yourself 😊” clearly she didn’t hear that 🙄 didn’t want to admit that she was just a friend and not a Savior) so yeah anyways she projected her repressed and ill-controlled mental illness unto me. If she hadn’t repressed herself and her truth (as I refused to do) she wouldn’t have blown up. She blamed me for all the things she felt and never showed me. When I would ask how she was she was always “fine” or “tired” (sounds familiar? Yeah I already grew out of that, like I said) and I honestly refuse to accept the blame for her personal emotional neglect and disproportionate response to my honesty. To me, it is clear that she was angry with herself for not being honest with herself, she was angry with herself for not being able to focus and prioritize her studies, she was angry that she was hurting inside so badly but I didn’t even know because she was never honest with me or herself.

I do feel badly about ghosting her. I never replied. But... She said I’m that last paragraph all I needed to know: she needed to study. She needed space. She didn’t want to hear my truth again. She was incapable of properly respecting herself, so it was only natural that she would accidentally disrespect her friends. She wasn’t ready to confront her truth. ... I knew then that she wasn’t ready to heal, she wasn’t ready to address the real cause of her problems, she was only trying to get through things day by day. That’s fine. We’re all at different points in our journey.

It’s funny how this is in many ways reminiscent of the first girl that left me, but instead of me hiding my pain, she was hiding her pain, and the resulting explosion/attempt at a boundary was disrespectful. Clearly, pain distorts our thought process and makes us lash out when we feel unheard, even if we were the ones hiding our pain. Trying to protect the other through dishonesty only hurts ourselves in the end.

Maybe that’s the lesson. Honesty. Respect.

[megacircuit9universe]

MOVEMENT

FRI JUN 12 2020

So, we’re nearing the end of week three, of the nationwide protests that began in Minnesota after the public execution of George Floyd and it has gone from scattered pockets of social unrest, to a full blown national uprising in which citizens of all 50 states have been clashing seriously with jack booted police in riot gear every single night... to a solidified movement against systemic racism and fascism in the US.

Officially known as the Black Lives Matter movement (BLM) the latest battle cry has become, “Defund the Police,” and basically calls for law enforcement as we know it to to be disbanded and replaced with a much more compartmentalized system of different local agencies to deal with the multiplicity of different issues that, currently, all full under the blanket of gun-toting, badge brandishing cops.

And I fully support this idea.

One department to deal with homelessness. One to deal with domestic violence. One to deal with traffic violations. One to deal with mental illness. And, etc.

And the foundation of this infrastructure is already in place, with our current 911 emergency system.  If your grandmother falls and can’t get up, you call 911, and they dispatch EMTs in an ambulance to take her to the ER.  If your house is on fire, 911 dispatches the fire department.  

And for decades, we’ve all been encouraged to call your local police department (rather than 911) for almost every COP related task other than a grave crime in progress, like a murder, or a home invasion. 

If your neighbors are being too loud after midnight... call the local police department.  Not 911.  If you think you saw a shady character doing a drug deal down the block... police department.  Not 911.

In truth, most of what police do is take reports after the fact, and file paperwork about crimes and complaints.  Most of the arrests they make are either on the scene of a domestic abuse (arresting drunk guys) on the scene of a traffic stop (usually for expired or revoked credentials, drunk driving, or possession of contraband like drugs or guns) and... arrests for no other good reason than to harass minorities in poor neighborhoods.

That last one, however, has, over the decades gone from mostly intimidation and harassment, with brutality in small pockets... to widespread execution of black people on the streets in broad daylight in every major city, and some not so major cities.

It is true that smart phones have made this egregious conduct a lot more visible than ever, so yes, it  probably was worse in past decades than I think it was, but there’s also no doubt that racists have gotten a lot more bold under the Trump administration... sensing they can act on their deadliest impulses without fear of repercussions.

Racism has always been a deadly flashpoint in America, since it’s founding, but over the second half of the 20th century, we did seem to have made some real progress at putting the worst of it behind us. 

For a few decades there, racists... especially the violent ones... had to hide in the closet. In public, they had to behave themselves.  And white supremacist groups, and neo-nazis seemed like extremely fringe groups who we laughed about... just powerless nut jobs whining from the sidelines of history... watching helplessly as the world moved on without them.

I feel like this began to change after 9/11.  2001... beginning of a new century... and an unprecedented attack on mainland USA.  Not some Island we owned in the middle of the Pacific, like Pearl Harbor... but New York City, and Washington DC!

And who were to blame?  The browns!  The towel heads!  The Muslims!

9/11 gave racists a reason to come out of the closet again.  No, they couldn’t shit talk Jews, Mexicans, or Black Americans, but... they could spit their vitriol against the terrorist Muslims aloud without much push back.

And that breath of fresh air in their racist nostrils went a long way toward renormalizing the kind of open, flag waving jingoism society thought it had left behind with the McCarthy era.

Fox News, of course, was already around... and the internet too, was taking off it’s dial-up training pants and using the broadband like a big network.  Racists found one another... began to establish new codes to present their agenda in public, while establishing new dog whistles to signal one another over the same airwaves.

All through the Bush Administration, these newly coded racist and nationalistic viewpoints were given the full benefit of the doubt by the mainstream media... just, another side, to our grand political discourse. 

But the left, especially from my generation (X) were not idiots and not having it.  We called them out, and we created push back.  We created enough push back, in fact, that in 2008, we managed to get Barack Obama elected as our nation’s first black President... about fifty years earlier than anybody expected!

That was a MASSIVE slap in the face to the hardcore racists in the country who had only just begun to start feeling their oats again, and had all kinds of plans for how to wield the power they felt was nearly within their grasp.

They lost a lot of ground over the eight years of Obama... as Millenials grew up to wield social media in ways never before dreamt of... for normalizing very progressive social issues, from women’s rights, to black rights, trans rights, gay rights, decriminalization of marijuana, etc, etc... until we got the prize of the century, legal gay marriage in all 50 states overnight!.. again... about fifty years earlier than expected.

But while young Millennials proved themselves unmatched wizard masters of social media, putting old-hat conservatives, white nationalists, and xenophobes alike, completely to shame... they had one Achilles heel.

...They turned out to be totally useless in actual elections!

The young Millennial Left had done all of their magic under the protection of the Obama administration... and the technology it brought us... and the progressive political atmosphere it afforded us.

But it was a coalition of GenX and Boomers who, after having fought Bush for eight terrible years, gave them Obama, and reelected Obama again, while they were all still too young to go to the polls.

When 2016 came along, and it was their turn to actually show up and vote in the primaries for their boy Bernie... they didn’t show up, and Hillary took the nomination.

Then, in the generals, they again stayed home because... why are you making us vote for Hillary?  Fuck you!

The older lefties also dropped the ball.  After eight years of Obama, they’d become a bit overconfident, and a bit lazy.  Many, I’m sure, assumed the Millennials would show up in numbers that were... far higher than zero.

Trump, meanwhile, had played to those disaffected dregs of humanity... the racists... the white nationalists... the old-hat conservatives... speaking their code, and using their dog whistles.  Make America Great Again... not so much like the 1950s... but like the early 2000s... when they were respected!  

He not only tapped into their racism, but their hatred of the left... those goddam Millenials who stole the stage from them, and got gay marriage legalized. 

That’s how he edged out the nomination against all his more normal GOP rivals, and... when the generals came... of course they voted for him, because what did they have to lose?

Thus, the golden era of Obama, our first black President, was immediately answered by our worst white nationalist President since Andrew Johnson (who immediately followed Lincoln), and our worst President period.

And that brings us back to now... 2020.

Over four years, we tolerated all the repugnant tweets, the racist travel bans and caging of immigrants at the border, separating them from their children, then losing track of the children... the sympathy for Putin, and Kim Jong Un... the abandonment of Puerto Rico in the aftermath of natural disaster... because he didn’t respect the President of Puerto Rico (himself)... the lies, the hatred, the mass shootings condoned, the conspiracy theories, the crimes.

We tolerated, but we resisted, and we waited on the Mueller investigation.

In 2018, once again... Millennials failed to show up at the polls.  Despite all their grievances, the nightmare, as it was, wasn’t bad enough to get their asses off the couch to go vote. Easier to stay home and bitch on Twitter and Tumblr.

The rest of us did at least show up and flip a ton of State Houses, and Senates, and Governorships... and the US House of Representatives... to put Trump on notice.

And this resulted, not only in the legalization of weed in several new states, but also... Trump’s impeachment.  Not too shabby, for a salty resistance movement who couldn’t count on any support from the youngsters on election day.

In 2019, Bernie Sanders again, caught fire!  This time, not only with GenX and Millennials, but also GenZ... who were finally hitting voting age in time for the primaries of 2020!  It looked like we were finally gonna bust everything wide open!

But when the primaries came, in early 2020, not only did the Millennials not show up... but they’d passed on their apathy to the up and coming Zoomers, who, instead of going to the polls, stayed home to make TikTok Memes about, “Don’t make me vote for Joe Biden.”

Don’t make you vote for Joe Biden?

Don’t YOU make ME vote for Joe Biden, you spoiled, slack ass little TWERPS!  What are you talking about?  You have a vote now!  Bernie doesn’t win the nomination without it!  Without all of your votes, you... dancing to sound clip idiots!

Who taught you to think it was the old people’s job to hand you a general election candidate.... oh yeah.  Right.... the Tumbler Blog, YouTubing idiots you grew up idolizing.

WE’RE FUCKING DOOMED!

But just then... SarsCoV2 came to town.  It came to shut down the economy on the Millennials who were only just finally starting to get ahead after it shut down on them in 2008 (when they were graduating high school just like Z is now)... and it came to shut down the schools, to send all the Zoomers home for the spring... summmer... fall... eternity.

It also hit the elderly, minority, working, and poor communities especially hard, either by direct infections, or financial hardship, or the hardship of being a largely unprotected “essential worker” on the front lines.

And even as it became famous for forcing all Americans to wear masks... Covid19 also UNMASKED Americans in a way no calamity has in modern times... in their selfishness, as with the hoarders of toilet paper, and the protesters for haircuts... and in their science denying ignorance.

And it was only a matter of time before it would rend naked, the murderous culture of our police, in broad daylight, before a captive, nationwide audience with nothing else to distract them anymore.

No jobs to go to.  No classes.  No retail shopping to do.  Fed up with quarantine.  Fed up with Trump’s total failure of leadership on the pandemic.  Fed up with his do-nothing Senate resisting any financial aid.

Fed up with all the bullshit of the past four years.

And fed... the fuck... UP... with systemic racism, police brutality, fascism in general... and those god damn confederate flag waving, racist grandchildren of the losers of the god damn civil war, and all their motherfucking confederate statues erected to glorify the treasonous traitors in their family trees.

This week, not just in America, but in many other western countries, statues dedicated to racist slave traders, and confederate generals alike fell.  In some cases they were taken down by authorities, but in many others, they were toppled by mobs, beheaded, and rolled into the rivers.

The Black Lives Matter movement has become global now, and it’s got teeth.

Shark teeth.

Not only are racist statues dropping like flies, but the confederate flag is on it’s way to join the Nazi swastika flag in the halls of infamy... this week being banned by none other than NASCAR, as well as other organizations.

The US military is considering re-naming all bases currently named after confederate generals (we had those???  WTF???).

Laws are being passed to outlaw choke holds by police... to appease the angry populace, while full defunding and restructuring of law enforcement is totally on the table, and being taken seriously.

Across the country, governmental power is on the defensive, and in many quarters, conceding to demands... looking to negotiate... desperate to calm the storm that is the Black Lives Matter Movement... even while jack booted cops are still lobbing tear gas grenades and pepper balls at the protesters in the streets, beating them with clubs, and shooting rubber bullets at them.

Meanwhile, those gun-toting, 2nd Amendment ass hats who were protesting to get haircuts last month, are nowhere to be seen. They’ve gone back into hiding, and they’re quietly asking...

How are these lefties getting so much leverage, and so much change in such a short time?  How?  When we were winning?

The short answer?.. Numbers.

78% of the American public now supports the BLM movement.  

This is damn near an 80/20 split now, against Trump, and against all levels of fascist bullshit, Federal, State, and Municipal.  

The old, “silent majority,” they used to talk about in the Nixon era, presumed to be conservative... has now shifted much further to the left... and is also no longer silent, as of three weeks ago.

And never, did the silent majority of the Nixonian era come close to 80%.

NASCAR is scared.  The cops are scared.  Power... is scared.  This is dynamite. 

Nobody cares about 2nd Amendment loser with their guns. Clearly those idiots were brainwashed to vote against their own interests long ago... to hate science... revel in magical thinking... hate their countrymen based on superficial bullshit like skin color... child’s play to gaslight and manipulate that crowd.

But these other 80%?  Angry and taking to the streets?.. fearless?.. fed up?.. wide awake and ready to go to the matt now, on everything?  Fuck!  

Old and Young alike?  Fuck!  No holds barred?.. just beheading confederate statues and telling the southerners to deal with the fact that they lost and get over it?  Fuck!

Allies in every western country on the streets doing the same?

Even the Amish out there on their side?

FUCK!

HO-LY FUCK!

So... my first entry about this was entitled, “Civil Unrest.”

The next one was entitled, “Uprising.”

This one is entitled, “Movement.”

What they, in power, are now desperate to prevent... is a situation that I would end up telling you about in an entry entitled, “Revolution.”

We’ll see what comes.

Apologies for the long length of this entry, but... we’re living through interesting times.

Nonetheless...

It’s time for bed.