#i don’t know i feel like lately my blog has just become a collection of me periodically kvetching…. so i am sorry about that

[jackdoohangf]

i don’t want to be mean but there is a certain subsection of f1 fans on here that act eerily similar to the ‘not all men’ and ‘all lives matter’ intersection

[moonastrogirl]

Can anyone be a vedic astrologer or write about vedic astrology ?

The answer is so obvious : a giant no. Yet people on this app, astrology entertainers/bloggers, are trying now to talk about vedic astrology. Is it becoming a trend to put a little bit of vedic astrology inside “astrology observations” which are mostly based on tropical astrology ? Same astrology observations that are so full of stereotypes that make people resent astrology ?

Most of those bloggers don’t know anything about the sacral role of Vedic astrology and they are not trying to. Vedic astrology is based on beliefs, rituals, gods and prayers. Each Nakshatra is ruled by a God. Each planet has a specific role. Nothing is all black or white in Vedic astrology and everything makes so much sense to those who are destined to talk about it. It’s not for everyone. So please. Let’s stop this. And it’s so disrespectful to talk about something that everyone can’t comprehend and spread wrong information about it.

Each post I made on Vedic astrology is based on several sources and also on my own knowledge. I have been studying Vedic for years now and I don’t consider myself knowledgeable enough about the subject, I am still learning so I just avoid pretending that I do because I am constantly evolving and learning about it. I only share what I know when I am certain it can help people. And that’s what astrologers should be about : aiming to help the collective with a knowledge that can be useful, being cautious with it too and learning each day. And not writing about it for the purpose of entertainment, likes, comments and shares.

So let’s be clear : not everyone can talk about Vedic astrology lightly and definitely not to entertain people. It’s not made for entertainment. It’s pure spirituality, it’s part of a religion, of a culture and people daily lives. It’s also part of religious rituals so let’s just be more respectful of it and quit trying to use it for entertainment while not backing up by the background knowledge/training/personal placements necessary to talk about it.

{Do I put myself inside those tropical bloggers astrology ? No my content is different and from the very beginning, I never aligned my content with astrology observations that are so popular here. Even if I wanted to I couldn’t. Cause my blog has only one purpose : helping people through astrology. It’s not for entertainment purposes. It will never be.

My goal is to always provide knowledge that can be useful. I am even learning more about Vedic astrology than tropical lately and I want to write exclusively about Vedic astrology from now on. (After finishing my last articles on 12th house signs and placements). I am taking some time off at this moment because I needed a break from writing but I also needed to write about this as I have observed it a lot lately on Tumblr. }

NB : If you want to comment, go ahead leave me a comment I am always open for a good and constructive discussion. Plus this post is absolutely not to criticise anyone’s work but to express my opinion based on what I have observed and seen here… And to reinforce the fact that I will always be against pure entertainment purposes when it comes to astrology because it leads to superficial interpretations and stereotypes of the signs and placements.

*This is based on new information I have learned but I also was feeling this deeply for a long time.*

Thank you for reading me 💜

[yoo-jeongneon]

of record players and things we said after midnight | k.hj, p.sh

× minors/ageless/empty blogs dni. you will be blocked. ×

× main masterlist ×

pairing: kim hongjoong x park seonghwa x gn!reader

genre: slice of life, romance

warnings: established poly relationship, fluff, allusions to sex, alcohol/food/eating, references to rough work schedules and strict sleeping routines, stargazing

word count: 1.1k

a/n: for the wonderful sky, aka @pocketjoong. i really hope you enjoy this short sweet one-shot (and perhaps it is an extremely belated birthday present!) p.s: i don't know if you've seen that poll going round - "is the person you reblogged this from sun/moon etc. coded" - but while of course you are sky coded, you are very star coded to me: much like a star, whenever you pop up, a smile comes on my face 🫶🫶

00:03. Hongjoong has a plethora of records.

You and Seonghwa know he’d been steadily growing his collection for the last three years. A well-paying job and months of saving paid for his hobby.

Of course, the most expensive thing he needed to buy was a record player to play said discs. Hongjoong had said for the longest time that the vinyls were just aesthetic, and yet he never took his eyes off them when trawling websites into the early hours of the morning.

You and Seonghwa had pulled together enough resources to gift him one for his birthday last year, and it’s sat proudly on his desk in his studio ever since. He’ll never admit to the tears he shed and the two of you will never bring up the fact that you noticed him tucking them under his sleeve.

You both care too much to embarrass him.

-×-

00:27. Seonghwa can’t remember the last time he stayed up so late.

He thanks - or blames - his sleeping schedule for sending him to bed before the clock strikes twelve. It’s a price to pay when the workload is so rough it calls for a routine so strict.

He told himself he could let go this weekend. He’d had too many stresses and with a vacation week right around the corner, he knows he can let it go for a few days.

You let him rest his head on your lap even still, the fatigue catching up when he remembers how many hours he’s spent staring at screens. When you thread your fingers through his hair, it’s a lot softer than you ever remember it being.

A smile lands on your face. “You used the hair mask I bought you.”

Seonghwa’s eyes are closed and his breathing is so calm and even. The faint click-clack of Hongjoong messing around on his computer is briefly interrupted.

Seonghwa grins. “I hadn’t pampered myself in some time.”

Hongjoong’s heart swells, as does your own. It’s the kind of care you’re both happy Seonghwa gave himself.

-x-

00:54. You always meld into that one spot on the leather sofa.

Its wrinkles and creases understand your presence. It’s your home away from home, your favourite sweater; anytime Hongjoong finds you sitting there he becomes so overwhelmed, but hides it behind a mere dimpled grin. “That’s become your favourite spot,” he once remarked.

The acknowledgment made you shy. “It’s really nice to sit here.”

Hongjoong would later tell you exactly how that made him feel. He would show you too, breathing fanning on your neck, Seonghwa’s lips on your shoulder.

Seonghwa provides a demo over the track Hongjoong is playing around with; there’s no mic, it’s not being recorded anywhere, but you listen to his quiet humming regardless.

It ticks something in your brain and you throw in some light harmonies. Hongjoong wishes he could capture it but doesn’t move.

That’s a memory he can save for later.

-×-

01:13. The three of you don’t know when it clicked.

There were days you would stroll through the local grocery store as a trio, little fingers hooked together and it didn’t mean a thing. Still, it meant everything.

The simplicity of knowing, the beauty of feeling, it’s never needed any words to make sense of it.

The sense was in the making already.

Ice-cream aisles and mulling over which flavour to get knowing you all have different tastes. Reaching in your pockets and buying for each other because that’s what made you so connected.

It’s only a two-course meal tonight and Seonghwa’s cooking. Hongjoong stirs the pot and you dice the vegetables. Very few words are spoken but that’s how you know your dynamic is to die for.

You press a kiss on both of their cheeks. The three of you don’t know when it clicked.

Perhaps there was nothing to click. The foundation was there already. Their cheeks are warm. You love them.

-×-

01:28. Schedules never allowed for late night delivery.

You’re sitting in different places. No longer on the sofa, no longer resting on the lap, no longer glued to the mouse and keyboard.

But it’s a familiarity even still - you’re in a circle on the floor and Hongjoong is dishing out the meals. Seonghwa offers you some of his food, and you make sure Hongjoong has enough for himself, and Hongjoong fills Seonghwa’s water up so he stays hydrated.

“I should put a record on,” says Hongjoong.

Seonghwa smiles. “Play our favourite.”

-×-

01:42. It’s at times like these you remember why you love each other.

Hongjoong has been told twice to keep his voice down and you’re laughing your head off at a joke Seonghwa told. There’s a mess you have to clean but that can wait a little while.

Hongjoong takes your hand and pulls you close to him. You share a kiss as the low hum of a 70s record plays in the background. Seonghwa soon follows and he’s twirling Hongjoong around in an effort to get him to dance.

Grabbing the camera off the desk, you take so many pictures of this moment.

“What a miracle: Hongjoong’s dancing and Seonghwa isn’t it bed yet!” you chuckle.

They love you so much.

-×-

02:00. There’s a perfect spot outside the studio to look at the stars.

It dawns on all of you that it’s something you’ve never done before. Seonghwa is upset at this fact, and takes this as an opportunity to gather some blankets together and put them down on a grass verge.

When you step outside, it’s incredibly brisk, but one look up and you notice it’s a completely clear night.

As though the clouds knew you had a prior engagement with the stars.

Seonghwa takes a seat in the middle, and taps the two spaces either side of him excitedly.

Hongjoong left the door open slightly, and one of the records was still playing.

You had brought the three beer bottles that you’d ordered with your delivery, but hadn’t opened yet.

As though it was tradition, you open each other’s bottles and clink the necks together to make the most satisfying sound.

With a single sip, Hongjoong exhales. “I hope we can do this more often.”

Seonghwa’s eye catches Orion’s belt. “If it’s clear, perhaps we could do this every night next week.”

You rest your head on Seonghwa’s shoulder, and your hand reaches round to clasp fingers with Hongjoong.

“Let’s toast to a week of clear skies. Maybe the universe will listen.”

You make a toast, and the soft crackles of the record indicate the song is nearing its close.

Against the silence of night, you gaze up at the stars.

-×-

02:20.

Whenever it clicked, you’re glad it did.

× yoo-jeongneon ×

[lumibye]

˗ˋ ୨ - 𝒏𝒆𝒘𝒔 𝒚𝒆𝒂𝒓𝒔 𝒘𝒓𝒂𝒑 𝒖𝒑 : 𝟐𝟎𝟐𝟑 - ୧ ˊ˗

holidays are my only opportunity to be unapologetically sappy on this blog , i think . . . . ( /j ) and since it’s going to be 2024 in like 20 minutes here in australia i wanted to get this out before it gets too late into the night hehe also ! i have a lot i want to say 

( also comm showcase because i thought that'd be cute )

so it’s almost been a year since i properly ( there's no way to properly do it but you understand . . ) started self-shipping , i think ? and it's ( in all honesty ? ) helped me through much of the year i started this blog back in march i believe , but i consider our anniversary to be in may ( i thought it was august but a very silly girlie got dates mixed up with lore if you could believe ehe ; ) which . . is five months off but it still feels pretty close ! he’s become such an intrinsic and important part of my life now that it feels as if it’s always been this way i guess . i’ve said it before but his character is just so kind and gentle and caring but also he’s reminded be how lovely it is to actually romanticise life a little bit and how good it feels to embrace your passion/s i um . . i love him very much ? 🩵🥺

he’s such a genuine source of comfort and so very dear to my heart , and I truly think he’s going to be my love favourite forever and i can't wait to do more ship stuff in the coming year hehe ! i’ve been with this series for sixteen years now . because i'm old . ( /j ) it was such a huge staple of my childhood and maybe i’ll talk about it someday - i'd like to ! - because many of my dearest memories are centred around this franchise. perhaps this blog was always inevitable in that way , i like to joke about self shipping with him is like a long term membership bonus . . but either way , in a sense i feel so lucky i get to express my love for it in this way if that makes sense ?

marianne ( having been made this year ) is also important to me in a way that’s . . come to surprise me , honestly ? i haven’t had an ‘ oc ‘ in a very long while so perhaps i just forgot about how emotionally attached you can really become . it’s probably also no shock that despite being a self insert, she’s very personal to me . . as someone that admittedly struggles with quite a bit of negative self talk, being able to say i like these parts of myself that i implement into her character has been quite healing for me as well ! and being able to rediscover my love for collecting flowers and coffee was also something really fun to do ! to the person that designed her ( you know who you are hehe ) I’m so incredibly grateful you bought her to life. It truly does mean sm . . as well as to everyone that's drawn her of course hehe , im always so giddy to see my little beloveds drawn so prettyful !

i really can’t emphasise enough just how grateful i am for both the community and all of my really lovely moots. i’m rather quiet so i don’t talk a lot but the interactions i’ve had on here are soso special to me and i really do cherish them so much no matter how small . . i have so many fond memories this year of that alone and it makes me tearyy happy happy 2024 to you and your beloveds hehe - if you actually managed to sit through all this I’m actually spinning you around so so much you very lovely and sweet . I hope the new year is everything you want it to be ! sending you each and every one of my best wishes your waaay mwah mwah !

[liesmyth]

What is wheel of time and should I start it tomorrow?

you SHOULD.

Wheel of Time is an epic fantasy series by the late Robert Jordan. It's epic in scope, in length, and in its insanely large cast of characters. It's fascinating. The worldbuilding is insane, but also familiar (partly because it relies on widespread fantasy tropes, partly because it made many of those tropes popular for many books published later). The characters are exasperating but deeply human; I love SO many of them and appreciate so many others. It's very Of Its Time in some regards, especially re: its handling of gender roles and sexuality, but it's also surprisingly progressive and queer in intent even when the execution falters, and I really appreciate a lot that it even tried to Go There, because it was Very formative for me as a young teen. It's also one of those books where you can see the author's kinks all over the place (both narrative and otherwise) and tbh? it's a bit cringe but lots of fun. Also it’s very well written; the plot is as Epic as epic fantasy gets but it’s really the character moments that make the reader invested in the story. I just love it a lot, ngl.

Fun fact: I am now today on tumblr dot com, blogging in english, because sometimes around age 15 even though I fucking hated english class in school I just couldn’t wait for the latest books to come out in my country so I had to become fluent enough to read a 700-pages novel by myself. THAT is the grip this series had on me.

Some things I am now into because of reading WoT starting at age eleven.

codependent magical bonds with loyalty kink thrown in (if you’re familiar with TLT, think necro/cav but usually f/m. Not always though :) )

femdom. both F/f and F/m varieties

Propesized Savior trying to kill their humanity to become a figure larger than history (before realizing that's bullshit)

what if monastic(ish) order of sole women but also we had sex about it

unfortunately. a lot of weird kinks. I will elaborate on request but it’s better if I don’t right off the bat.

no, I lied. It wasn’t unfortunate. I appreciate it when authors are brave enough to let the banner of their id fly high

ruined civilizations and newer, less advanced civilizations rising from the wreckage. the collective understanding that you live in a post-apocalypse world. old scientific principles becoming magic

confronting your alternate dimension self, as a treat

dream sex

devil-may-care rogues who actually care a lot

alien morality, or cultural differences so big that they fundamentally are the same thing

people who are SO Wrong about everything but are 100% committed to their own personal moral code

whatever the fuck Mat’s luck had going on

“I know what my destiny is but I say: fuck you”

I can’t stress enough how many of my kinks (narrative; sexy in fiction only; sexy in RL) came directly from this series. Like, I know I’ve already said that but putting together this list made me think and. Oh my god.

SWORD MAIDENS

More practical information: there are 14 books. Yes, I know. The first book is The Eye of the World - it's fun and probably not exceptional even though you can feel the hints of how grand and insane the greater worldbuilding will be, and some characters really shine (Nynaeve!). The second book is where it really gets original, the third book is where I went from "books I like" to "series OF ALL TIME". If you don’t like it by book 4 then give up. If you like book 4 as much as I did you will never ever want to give up.

There's also an Amazon Prime show, currently S1 has been released! I haven't watched it beyond the first ep, but plan to do it soon; it's a lot more f/f than the books and the back half had some pacing issues (partly due to COVID fucking with the production) but definitely very iddy from what I've heard, and I’m very excited to check it out in time for S2.

tldr PLEASE read wheel of time!

[djhamaradio]

I do not have a brand because I am not a corporation.

I lost my job recently and had to log back into my LinkedIn account. The whole thing felt forced and weird because I never use the app and I never post anything and suddenly I posted an alert showing I was open for work. The whole process felt weird because everyone in my network seemed to be confused because everyone on there is an ace at networking and using their personal brands to show people what they have going on in their work lives and I felt like a faker. Same way I feel when I am told I am not effectively branding my radio show and my escapades in the record digging world to become a vinyl influencer (not sure if that exists). The whole thing has me depressed because I get the feeling my inactivity is not helping with my job prospects. And no matter what advice I read on Forbes or whatever blog about personal marketing I’m never going to be good at it. I lack the brand consistency or whatever it’s called because ultimately I am not that committed to this world of personal branding. The article above from the wonderful folks at Vox reminds me that this is one of the legacies of late market capitalism everyone is merely a sellout but we don’t have interests or passions anymore everything we do or say has to be leveraged for likes and followers. The thing I find most intriguing about this world is the pervasisveness of hucksterism, and just pure fakery. I find people employing awful vague corporte phrases like maximizing productivity to describe their day to day lives.I find people posting shit about how one can leverage their brand to build a following that will lead them to make a living off social media. it is all disgusting but more than anything speaks to just how much consumerism, and capitlism in general has infected every sacred facet of human life. We have all become brands, and as brands your ultimate goal is to sell, sell and sell. Sell agressively, sell even if it means lying and sell with your consumer in mind. I look at myself I truly joined social media to connect with friends, at some point I left Facebook because my conservative family had joined and thewas now on they had an issue with my Halloween costume (Me dressed as a member of De La Soul and my girlfriend at the time in. slutty Nun costume), so I deleted the account and stuck with IG. On IG aI liked sharing music banter, odd ball humour and rap references with my small cast of friends who get it, and I use it to let people know when my radio show is on. My show is decently popular and I dont make a living doing it, I do DJ gigs on the side and I make decent guap doing it but would absolutely never do that for a living. The DJ gig funds the record collecting, and the radio show is a creative outlet that is all it is. I dont give a shit about branding, even though in a sense I am acting like a brand but I am not selling you anything. I put myself out there simply to say hey check out what I am doing and let me know if you fuck with it other than that no biggie. I aint out here saying if you listen to my radioshow your dick will grow bigger, all the chicks will like you and I am offering somekind of solution to one of lifes ills. My purpose is simply to say hey dont know what you doing but tune into my non-commercial uninterrupted absolutley amteurish radio show where you get to hear me play funk, soul, jazz and african music, for its on sake and not to sell but plugs or lawn mowers. The branding shit is particularly insidious because it makes us forget that there was a time when people congregated because they shared deep interests outside of the capitalist objective, think about stamp collectors, book clubs, bowling leagues and in my case a group of guys who drive around the midwest frequenting record stores spending huge amounts of hours scouring dollar record bins for prized records (This is also a dying art but I digress). I think at the heart of it social media has democratized aspects of the creative world. I just want to live in a world where I am not a brand.

[crimsonedquill]

Conquering Mountains (Natsai Onai x f!MC)

I absolutely *love* all these requests for underappreciated characters I’m getting. Like writing for the boys is fun and all but this was always meant as a blog to give my girls some much-deserved attention 🖤

Yes, the length is entirely reflective of the fun I had with this prompt 😂 Especially since I never see any large Natsai fics out there (let alone smut) I was happy to do this!

(Also, MC is fem here because I’m headcanoning Natty with massive sapphic energy lmao)

Content warning: NSFW (18+). Soft smut, first time, aged up characters, just two hopeless lesbians exploring their feelings.

“Accio!”

The leather ball shot across the coloured fields, gaining a brief momentum boost through one of the small whirlpools before finally rolling to a halt in the last column.

“Fifty points,” Natty said, turning to MC with a smile. “That puts me over the top, no?”

“Yeah, I suppose it does,” MC grumbled, not looking nearly as amused. She crossed her arms and stuck out her bottom lip. “I don’t know why I even bother. It’s obvious I’m never going to beat you, you know?”

“Ah, you should not think like that. From my point of view, you have made much progress since you first played against me.”

“Right, yeah.” MC tilted her head, causing her hair to partly obscure the furrow in her brow. “Perhaps remind me how that game went?”

Natty chuckled, pocketing her wand before stepping up to her friend and wrapping an arm around her shoulder. “Let me make it up to you. Me, you, and a Butterbeer. How does that sound?”

“Between you and the Butterbeer? I’d definitely choose the latter.”

“Oh, do not break my heart like that!” Natty laughed, playfully swatting her arm.

“Fine, I’ll bite,” MC chuckled as they stepped off the podium and began making their way back to the castle, a gentle breeze causing their robes to flutter in the wind. “I’m surprised you even manage to find the time though. Aren’t you supposed to be swamped with all your N.E.W.T.s? It’s still your ambition to become an Auror, right?”

“It is,” Natty nodded. “And I will admit it has been difficult sometimes… like when I had to leave Crossed Wands, but overall I have managed to adapt well so far. Besides, in my experience, having a good friend is just as important to succeeding as studying.”

“You give me too much credit,” MC said.

Natty felt a smile tug at her lips. As much as she liked to pride herself on her independent streak, it hadn’t escaped her notice that she’d come to rely on MC in more ways than one after their fifth year. She wasn’t too proud to admit that her presence had anchored her more than any friends she had made in Gryffindor, or Hogwarts in general, for that matter – even though she never would do so to her face, of course. She was barely able to get over her own massive ego as it was.

“I need to go and collect my things for Transfiguration,” MC said as they stepped through the doors, welcomed by the ambient chatter of students. “Shall we meet up later, then?”

Natty nodded. “I will wait for you at the castle gates after classes. Do not be late!”

“Never would I dare to make such a fair maiden wait,” MC grinned, making a bow that seemed to turn some heads. “For you, my lady, I shall conquer ill-tempered professors and menacing ghosts –”

“Oh, get out of here, you,” Natty giggled, pushing her just hard enough to get her on her way with the biggest shit-eating grin on her face. The Gryffindor shook her head as she watched her friend leave, not able to resist a small chuckle of her own. She really could be too much sometimes. Almost made her wonder if she was actually joking – though that was more of a silly thought than anything. Sure, it wasn’t like their bold way of joking around or the ease with which they finished each other’s sentences didn’t leave some things open to suggestion, but Natty had never really thought of their friendship as anything other than just that.

Whether she wanted to, though?

She frowned, finding herself a little taken aback by the thought. It probably wasn’t that strange to think, but then again, why would she, if she didn’t really have any reason to assume that MC saw her as more than a friend? Probably best not to make things any more complicated than they needed to be.

Natty shook the thought from her head and walked on, quickly finding that she hadn’t been thinking about anything at all.

— — —

“So, wait, let me get this straight,” MC said after taking another swig of her cup, looking at Natty with a cocked eyebrow. “You don’t actually need Divination to qualify for Auror, so the only reason you’re taking the class is to placate your mother?”

Natty shot a look back. “What is wrong with that?”

“You’re really going to make me say it? How about, “Your future is hanging in the balance and you decide to spend your precious minutes reading tea leaves”?”

“Please,” Natty laughed, “you mock me, but rest assured that any effort I am spending now is nothing compared to the trouble I face if I were to provoke my mother’s ire. Besides, there is more to the art than you care to comprehend.”

“Of course. I suppose I’m just curious why I should bother learning something that’s supposed to let me predict the future, when it will hardly tell me tomorrow’s weather.”

“There are more sophisticated ways than crystal balls for that,” Natty said. “Have you tried looking up at the sky?”

MC rolled her eyes at her. “Merlin’s sake, Weasley has really rubbed off on you, hasn’t he?”

They shared a chuckle between themselves as Sirona brought them another round of Butterbeers. After a few more swigs, MC leaned back in her chair, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand. “So, here’s something interesting – apparently Samantha Dale and Amit Thakkar are holding hands now?”

“Well, that is not much of a surprise. Everyone knows they have been sending each other owls for weeks.”

“Right, but that’s not all I’ve heard.” MC hunched slightly forward, as if she was about to reveal some kind of terrible secret. “Rumour has it that they have been doing… stuff… to each other in the bathroom after Astronomy.”

Natty scrunched her nose. “I do not need to know that!”

“Oh, come on!” MC laughed. “You always pretend not to care, but you aren’t really going to tell me that you’ve never thought about getting a little handsy.”

“Well, even if I did, I would surely know better than to tell you.”

“So you do admit it!”

Natty opted to withhold her answer, taking a sip of her Butterbeer as she did her best to ignore MC’s smug gaze. It wasn’t the first time she had broached the subject and it surely wouldn’t be the last.

“Come on, it’s nothing to be shy about,” MC teased. “Garreth’s cute, isn’t he?”

“That is different. We are just friends.”

“Right. But if you could kiss him, you would?”

“No, I – of course not!”

“Just because he’s your friend?” MC asked. “That’s kind of a stupid excuse. Takes all of the fun out of it.”

“So you are saying that you would?” Natty retorted.

“Sure,” MC answered with a shrug. “Hell, I’d even kiss you under the right circumstances.”

It felt like the bottom had fallen out of Natty’s stomach. She was almost certain MC was just needling her for the sake of getting a reaction, so she chose to go with the sarcastic snort. ““The right circumstances”?”

“Yeah. I mean, obviously it wouldn’t be anything serious, but if it was just some harmless fun –”

“Right, of course. Harmless fun.”

She did not mean to sound disappointed. She wasn’t even sure if she had. The only thing she was certain of was that she suddenly really wanted this conversation to end.

“I should probably be going, there is some homework I need to catch up on before tomorrow,” she said, standing up from her chair. MC gave her a surprised look. “So soon? Do you want me to walk you back to the castle?”

“You can stay if you want, I will manage.” Pausing briefly, she added: “This has been fun.”

“Uh, yeah, for sure.”

Natty had hoped that would have been the end of it, though of course she should have known MC wasn’t that naive. Her friend kept looking at her as she tentatively bit her lip. “Hey, look, if I said anything out of line –”

“You are bold to assume that I am not used to your nonsense by now,” Natty replied, mustering a smile. “We are good. I just… need to get back to my schoolwork.”

“Yeah, of course. Good luck.”

Natty turned on her heels and walked out, not once stopping to look back. She dropped the fake contortion plastered on her face as soon as she stepped outside, letting out a deep sigh as she closed her eyes. Overhead, clouds started to gather in a steely sky.

– – –

Not too long after MC’s impromptu confession at The Three Broomsticks, Natty realised something started to hurt in her chest every time she saw her friend. Which was probably why she stopped doing it.

At first, it was just something she did without really being aware that she did it. She simply rolled into the habit of brushing her off after every class, either citing her loads of schoolwork or study sessions with other friends or some other flimsy reason for a lack of time. She became such a natural at it that she could have easily fooled herself if she tried. After all, she didn’t have any particular reason to be avoiding MC, did she? It wasn’t like the mere sight of them felt like a hot sting to her core, those damn words etched into her mind like a curse, repeating themselves just as she thought she was finally beginning to forgot them.

Harmless fun. That is all you are to her. Why wouldn’t you be, it is not like you ever expected to be more to them, wanted to be more to them –

Ah, Merlin.

She could not really get herself to admit to her feelings, not even to herself. Perhaps it wasn’t in her nature. At any rate, she thought it best to keep MC at arm’s length until she was able to make some sense of the mess that was currently her mind. It probably was the best chance she had at preserving their relationship in the state it had been.

Unfortunately, MC didn’t seem to be quite of the same mind.

The girl popped up out of nowhere after Defense Against the Dark Arts, asking for a minute of her time. Natty attempted one of her usual excuses, but found herself whisked into an empty bathroom before she could get any words past her lips. She gingerly stood with her books in her hands as MC crossed her arms, leaning back against one of the porcelain sinks. “All right, go on, explain.”

Natty looked at her, confused. “What do you mean?”

“You know what I mean.” MC’s tone was sharp, but also imbued with a hint of concern that caused Natty to look away in embarrassment. She wasn’t sure if she could do this now, but it looked like she had no other choice. “These past few weeks you’ve been doing all you can do to ignore me for no clear reason and I’m getting sick of it. If you have something to say to me, just say it.”

She should probably have said it then. Merlin, MC was actually inviting her to.

“It has nothing to do with you,” she answered, managing a surprisingly controlled voice. “As I have told you before, I have merely been caught up in –”

“Enough with the bloody excuses,” MC snapped. “If this was just about school, you could at least have found a moment to properly talk to me instead of pretending I don’t exist. You can’t just start treating me like that after all we’ve been through!”

Oh, there it was. She did not even have a reason to try and damage control this situation. If MC wanted the truth so desperately, she could have it.

“You know, I am surprised you care so much about spending time with me,” Natty shot back, her voice swelling with the fire in her chest. “There are so many other people who would gladly worship you if it meant getting just a fraction of your attention, no?”

“What are you talking about?”

“Then again, I am not sure of the lengths they would really be willing to go. Perhaps you should ask them if they would ever take a Torturing Curse for you.”

“Wait, so that is what this is all about?” MC asked, sounding more shocked than angry. “Are you saying I haven’t shown enough appreciation for what you –”

“I do not want your gratitude!” Natty seethed, her vision quickly blurring red around the edges. “I never cared about any of that! But perhaps I had hoped that after all this time, there was a slight chance that you would understand… that I did what I did because I do not merely think of you as a friend –”

The silence that followed was oddly deafening. Natty figured she would have preferred MC to laugh or shout at her, to give her at least some justification for her anger, but she seemed rather lost for words all of a sudden.

“I-I cant…” she stammered, “you can’t be saying that…”

“I believe I just did.”

Natty tightened her grip on her books, trying to stop her lip from quivering. “That is all, really. Maybe now you understand.”

MC made no attempt to stop her as she left. If someone in the corridors had told her that she looked like she had shattered into a thousand pieces, she would have had no trouble believing them.

– – –

Her confession to MC had made things even worse than they had been. Perhaps the silver lining was that the girl had given up on any efforts to reach out to her, but that was pretty much it. It still hurt like hell to see her in class or in the halls, the pain in her heart made worse by the knowledge that her friend now knew about one of her most intimate secrets, feelings she had not even meant to reveal in the first place.

Natty felt so pathetic. She tried telling herself that she was just exaggerating, that in the end this was more embarrassment over the outing of a crush than the end of the world, but the thing was that it didn’t exactly feel like that. It wasn’t so much the sting of rejection as the fact that she had permanently altered the nature of their relationship – or ruined it, she might as well say. All because of the stupid need to act on some irrational feelings she could have easily ignored if she’d wanted to.

Then again, she hadn’t, had she?

“Natsai, come see me for a minute, would you?”

Natty looked up from the books she’d been packing and saw her mother beckoning her at her desk. She probably shouldn’t have been too surprised; if anything, it was more of a shock that it had taken her this long to say something. She put her books down and waited until the other students had left the classroom before making her way over. Her mother closed the hatch with a flourish of her wand and then turned to her, folding her hands. “How have you been?”

“Busy,” Natty admitted. “Nothing I have found myself unable to handle, though.”

“You always have been rather persistent,” Mudiwa nodded, though she said it without any hint of a chuckle. “And your friends? Have you been able to give them enough attention with the pressure of your studies?”

“I… I think so. It’s been challenging to balance my commitments sometimes, though I believe I have been doing well, all things considered.”

“Very well. And you have suffered no lingering effects from Harlow’s curse?”

“No, that was a long time ago – mother, what is this all about?”

She’d forgotten just how intense her mother’s gaze could be. It seemed to bore into her, just far enough to read all of the secrets locked away in her soul.

Mudiwa drew a breath. “I am asking these questions because I see you hurting. I have always respected you enough to provide you with the space to solve your own problems, but I do know when your own stubbornness is getting in the way of that. So, tell me, what kind of predicament have you found yourself in now?”

Natty knew she could have tried deflecting with enough flimsy excuses, but then again, she didn’t exactly seem to be in the habit of making the best decisions lately.

“I… it is silly,” she sighed. “I said something I should not have to a friend, and now I fear I have forever ruined our bond.”

“What did you say to them?”

Natty looked away. “That I… well, that perhaps I wished for us to be more than friends –”

“Aha.”

Her mother’s voice was surprisingly devoid of judgement. Natty thought she might have preferred that more than whatever she was doing now.

“But I was not in a right state of mind,” she added hastily. “It was just something they said that caused me to feel jealous, and before I knew it I was acting on a whim, and –”

“Ah, so you do have fallen for them.”

Natty blushed. “No, that is not what I –”

“My little gazelle, I have spent enough time nurturing you to know that you often confuse strength with a lack of vulnerability. After the death of your father, you lived in denial of your true feelings for a long time. Are you meaning to say that you do not have a similar inclination now?”

She wanted to deny it. Badly. But Merlin, she knew her mother to be right. She had spent so long blaming herself for her father’s death that it had taken someone else to show her how she had truly felt – someone who had somehow understood her better than she had been capable of herself…

“This… ‘friend’ of yours,” Mudiwa continued. “Did they judge you for the way you felt about them?”

“No,” Natty replied, shaking her head. “No, I think… I think she was simply as overwhelmed by the whole situation as I was –”

Her mother’s eyes lit up at the unintended use of the pronoun, but for whatever reason she apparently decided not to comment on it.

“Do you think she would judge you if you took the time to speak to her again, properly this time?”

“No,” Natty said resolutely. “I do not know how she would respond, but I do not believe she would hold it against me.”

“Then that is probably something you ought to consider, no? After all, something tells me you might find the loss of a friend harder to bear than the shame you are feeling now.”

“Yes, I… I suppose I would.”

Mudiwa reached out for her. Natty leaned forward, feeling some weight fall of her shoulders as she fell into her mother’s embrace, smelling the familiar scent of tea and spices.

“You are a beautiful and strong young woman,” Mudiwa said. “Please do not let your pride blind yourself to that fact.”

They pulled apart, only connected by Natty’s small hand wrapped in her mother’s.

“And she better not break your heart,” she said, her lips forming a faint smirk. “For my vengeance will be swift and strong if she even as much as contemplates the thought.”

– – –

Oddly enough, it was MC who reached out to Natty first.

It was just a few words scribbled down on a small piece of parchment delivered to her by owl, but the message they carried wasn’t any less meaningful because of it:

Please meet me in the Room of Requirement tonight. I would like to speak to you.

Though Natty had to admit that saying what she wanted to say suddenly seemed a lot easier because of MC’s invitation, she was still wrecked with nerves as she watched the outline of the door to the Room slowly appear in the wall. It surely appeared that MC was willing to reconcile and let bygones be bygones, but the Gryffindor knew that they wouldn’t simply be able to go back to their old ways. It was no longer a question of whether their friendship had changed – it was how much.

Heart beating steadily, she stepped into the pleasant scent of MC’s cosy Room. She saw the various vivariums, which had all been closed, and the velvet reading corner where they’d spent so many hours digging through old books together. She was struck by a light bout of nostalgia before she heard a familiar voice call out her name, and she turned around to see MC standing in the archway leading to the lower level.

“You came.” she said, probably sounding more surprised than she had meant to.

“I received your invitation,” Natty replied, holding up the small piece of parchment.

“Yeah, well, with how invisible I seem to have been to you lately, I wasn’t sure if you had.”

She flashed a pained smile. “Sorry, I shouldn’t start again. Care to follow me?”

They walked through the archway into a small, odd room Natty had never seen before. It was colored in harmonic dark shades of blue and purple, with the windows covered by silver-rimmed curtains. A bunch of pillows were splayed out on the carpet on the floor, centered around a plate with several bottles. Natty leaned forward and picked one up. “Is this Firewhisky?”

“Sure is,” MC said. “I figured I was going to need some after I’ve told you everything I wanted to tell you tonight. Ehm, shall we sit?”

Natty nodded, following MC’s lead as she sat down on the pillow opposite her. She assumed that as far as her friend’s strange behavior went it was most likely just the nerves talking, but then again, it was so out of character for her that she couldn’t help but frown.

“So –” MC began, before catching herself. “Oh, I forgot – I have something to show you. Here, let me,”

She drew her wand and cast a spell on the curtains, causing them to swing open. Natty felt her breath hitch in her throat as a beautiful savannah unfolded itself before her eyes, endless grassy plains illuminated perfectly by the light of a pale, full moon.

“MC, what –” she stammered.

“Is something off?” MC asked, worried. “Damnit, I spent so much time trying to get the details right, but I wasn’t sure –”

“No, it… it is perfect. I just cannot believe – you conjured all of this for me?”

“Yeah, well, it was the least I could do to make up for the arse I’ve been,” she said with a shy grin.

“Please, it was not your faul –”

“No, Natty, just… let me get this off my chest first, all right?”

Natty imagined she could not have looked more confused, though she nodded anyway.

“Okay,” MC said, drawing breath. “So, I should say –”

Her mouth was left hanging open, but no words came out. She forced herself through a few more incoherent vowels before giving up and seizing the bottle closest to her. “You know what, let’s do drinks first.”

“Probably for the best,” Natty agreed, picking up a glass of her own.

They both knocked back a shot and immediately started coughing, smiling at each other through burning tears.

“Merlin, I had forgotten just how potent this stuff was –” Natty chuckled.

“Better than anything Sharp ever has us brew, huh,” MC smirked, pouring them another drink.

After a few more doses, MC seemed ready to say what she wanted to say. The girl stared into the bottom of her glass as she traced its rim with her finger, a fresh blush having made its way to her cheeks.

“So um –” she began, “did you mean it? What you said to me in that bathroom?”

“Every word of it,” Natty answered, lacking any hesitation she might have felt before. She was done pretending. Denial had never led her anywhere good.

“See, I… well, to be perfectly honest, I wasn’t quite sure what to think. We’ve been friends for so long that it was rather jarring to hear you say all those things about me. But in hindsight, I realised I shouldn’t have reacted the way I did.”

Natty shook her head. “I do not blame you. I was just as upset by my own course of action. I think, because I so desperately wanted you to feel the way I felt, I reacted far too strongly –”

“But that’s exactly it,” MC interrupted. They suddenly shifted so that she was sitting closer to the Gryffindor, who felt her heart leaping in her chest. “After you’d made your confession, telling me about all these heartfelt feelings you’ve held for so long, I started wondering why I never picked up on any signals that you felt this way. At first I assumed you were just at good at hiding it… though then the thought crossed my mind that perhaps, I had always been making jokes and teasing you as a way to avoid confronting a much more obvious truth.”

Natty’s voice shuddered as she posed the question. “What truth?”

“That…” MC sighed. “That I might have been feeling much the same way about you.”

Somehow the moment seemed much less real of a sudden. Natty was struck by the ethereal beauty of MC’s face; the way her features seemed impossibly perfect, hugged by the light of the silver moon.

“It’s all kind of stupid, isn’t it?” MC chuckled. “I mean, if you fancy me, and I fancy you, then what in Merlin’s name are we –”

Her sentence was cut off by Natty’s lips. MC immediately leaned into the kiss, relishing the taste of warm breath; relishing how much she had been craving it. MC’s hands snaked around to the small of Natty’s back, pulling her into her lap, causing the Gryffindor to gasp with surprise. The absolute wanting spoken by every single one of MC’s movements left her chest burning and her mind reeling as she tried to keep up, expectation and reality blurring together in perfect harmony.

MC withdrew ever so gently, soft words spoken with concern as their gazes met. “Are you… are we going too fast?”

Natty lovingly cupped her cheek. “No. I am right where I want to be.”

MC smiled before kissing her again, this time slightly parting her lips to allow her tongue to slip through. Natty greedily accepted the offer, meeting MC’s warmth with her own, her fingers tracing slow, concentrating circles across her back. As their tongues interlocked, Natty found it hard to conceive just how lucky she was. Just a few minutes ago she had thought she had lost it all, and here she was, having it all, right at her fingertips.

The heat in her chest slowly started trickling down through her insides. She felt it in her tummy, then her core, just a few inches away from MC’s thigh. As they slightly shifted around in their fiery embrace, her crotch brushed directly up against MC’s leg, leading a whimper to fall from her lips.

Again, MC pulled back. “Are you okay?”

“Yes,” she replied in a half-moan. She wasn’t quite sure what she was doing, but it felt good, so she kept on doing it. MC drinking in every detail of the expression on her face as she rode her thigh with slow, deliberate strokes was an unexpected but welcome surprise, as she enjoyed her bearing witness to her self-pleasure more than she thought.

The heat between her legs was building at a feverish crescendo, and she bit down on her bottom lip in an effort to keep the obscene moans from escaping her mouth. In its own way, it was both exhilarating and frightening to think that she would eventually achieve release this way, driven by nothing but her own lust and MC’s arousing gaze. But the thought seemed unsatisfactory. She wanted more.

She wanted MC to be her first.

Pausing for a moment, she looked down at MC, the both at them panting with anticipation.

“I’m not going to lie,” MC said, “seeing you like this really turns me on.”

Natty shifted slightly at the lewd compliment, feeling a small shock shooting up through her core.

“Do you –”

She was hesitant to ask. Even as the thought excited her, she wasn’t sure whether MC would be open to the idea, and she would be right to ask if they weren’t rushing things.

But still…

“Do I what?” MC asked, the hint of trepidation audible in her voice.

“Do you want to put a finger… you know…”

“Inside of you?” MC’s eyes widened. “Natty, are you sure?”

“I do not know,” Natty admitted. “Are you?”

“No, not exactly.” MC swallowed, though her eyes shone with the unmistakable glitter of hot desire. Natty imagined she was probably thinking the same thing as she was.

MC looked up at her again. “Have you ever been with someone… like this?”

Natty shook her head.

“Me neither,” MC confessed, biting her lip before speaking up again. “All right, I… I’ll just try and you tell me if it feels good, all right?”

Natty nodded. This was it, it was really happening. She felt dizzy as she adjusted a little to provide MC with easier access. She still wasn’t feeling confident that she’d made the right call, but there was no person she would have rather entrusted her body to.

It took MC more than a few attempts to hook her hand into the band of her skirt, though eventually she managed, slipping in her fingers one by one. As soon as Natty felt MC’s warm skin making contact with her own, there was a different kind of sensation. Hotter, more intense. It was as if she was becoming closer to MC somehow, and suddenly she wanted nothing more than to feel her inside of her.

One of MC’s digits brushed past her sensitive swollen nub, drawing a whine from her. MC froze. “Was that… did I –”

“Please,” Natty whimpered. She was so close to perfection, so close to what she wanted most. All she craved was for MC to take her there.

MC swallowed, tentatively proceeding despite looking ready to devour her in an instant. Her finger slipped past her wet folds, coating itself in her arousal. Natty wondered what MC was thinking when she felt just how wet she was. It was so dirty, so depraved.

She absolutely loved it.

However, nothing of what she’d experienced so far quite compared to the feeling of MC’s finger dipping inside of her.

Her body immediately responded to the stimulus, legs spasming as her head fell forward onto MC’s shoulder. A low hiss escaped through her teeth. It was so deep. So full.

It was perfect.

MC paused to allow them both a few moments to acclimatize to the feeling. She nuzzled her ear, wet lips placing a soft kiss to the upper end of her jaw. “Love, I’m going to start moving now, all right?”

Natty whimpered in response. There was a loud squelching sound as her sick folds dragged at the sides of MC’s finger, the digit plunging deeper inside her welcoming depths. Her spiraling mind rapidly registered a series of lewd thoughts as she passed through her lust-induced dazed. Would MC think she was tight enough? Would she have any suspicion at all of the nights she’d spent lying awake in bed, picturing the features of her face as her fingers had snuck down to pry open her dripping slit? Would she feel pride at knowing that more than once she had come with her name on her lips, dreaming of the day she could have it all for real?

She stopped wondering as soon as her senses returned to the sensation of MC’s finger fucking itself into her. She had it all for real. And it was the best thing she’d ever experienced.

MC lacked a sense of rhythm, betraying her inexperience, but her eagerness more than made up for it. Natty ground against her palm, causing a lovely friction to her tingling button. She shuddered as the girl rewarded her neck with wet kisses, trailing down to the collar of her vest. Her tie was yanked away and suddenly her naked chest was met with a gust of cool air, the sensation quickly making way for MC’s warm breath, her tongue beginning to lap up the beads of sweat running down her dark skin.

Natty sensed her release growing, building, crashing upwards from ecstatic depths. Through hooded eyes she looked at her lover, saw the mix of concentration and unbridled lust held by her expression.

“My beloved… I am close…”

MC’s lips parted ever so slightly. “Say… say my name,” she ordered, the small shiver in her voice causing Natty to shudder. “I want to hear you say my name when you come.”

The request was enough to wash away whatever restraint she had left. Natty came, screaming MC’s name, tightening just long enough around her lover’s finger to prevent most of her release from spilling out; though then she relaxed, and her juices spilled freely.

MC shuffled, gently laying her down on the carpet, climbing on top of her before meeting her lips in another sweet kiss. As she propped herself up on her arms, Natty took a moment to appreciate the bright glow on her cheeks, the love in her eyes.

“I can’t get enough of you,” MC confessed.

“The feeling is mutual,” Natty smiled, cupping her cheek once more. MC nuzzled her palm, peppering it with little kisses. “No regrets?”

“Only that it took me so long to tell you.”

“That doesn’t have to be a bad thing,” MC replied, pushing up her blouse, exposing more skin to the nightly glow of the full moon. “Plenty of time to make up for, wouldn’t you say?”

Natty’s answer was lost in a moan as the girl kissed down the sloping valley between her legs, fingers quickly pulling down her skirt. She only briefly stopped to bite her lip. “Can I… taste you?”

She looked up at the Gryffindor to seek her approval, and she gave it. Yielding herself completely to MC’s grasp, she laid her head back against the pillow, looking up at the curved ceiling with teary eyes. She didn’t know why emotion was getting the better of her now. Perhaps it was only physical, a bodily response to the mind-shattering orgasm she’d just had, but she honestly didn’t think so. She felt happy. She felt complete. And she didn’t want to stop feeling like that.

MC’s tongue explored her folds with innocent curiosity, the taste of Natty’s juices apparently taking a little more time getting used to than their touch. Soon, though, she pressed further, pushing through the wet before slipping into the small hole. Natty’s fingers gripped the carpet, the world before her eyes bursting open into a whole new realm of lights and colors. There were so many new feelings, so much pleasure she had not quite experienced in this way before. What made it all even was better was that she had this beautiful person to share it with.

She could still feel the remains of her last high running through her body, so it didn’t take long for MC to have her edging again, lapping greedily at her as she looked up at her lover with starved eyes. Natty raised her hips to help her along, letting out a stifled cry as she felt the first waves of ecstasy beginning to hit her. She came again, loudly, rewarding her lover with another dose of her precious honey. The girl spent several minutes sucking every last drop from her folds before moving up again, pleasantly surprising her with the taste of her own essence on her lips.

They laid next to each other, exchanging lazy kisses as Natty pushed her leg between MC’s, wrapping herself into the safe embrace of her girlfriend.

“You okay?” MC asked softly.

“Never better,” Natty whispered back, lips curling into a satisfied smile.

Gentle fingers drew small patterns on her arm. She wondered if there was anything she should say. But no, she realised as she looked into MC’s eyes; there was nothing that needed to be said, for the warm glow burning inside the black pupils said it all.

“You want to have me now?” MC asked.

Natty’s smile grew wider. “I would love to.”

[adultswim2021]

Metalocalypse #36: “Snakes n’ Barrels II” | August 25, 2008 - 12:00AM | S02E16

Well! This certainly is a momentous episode! I guess. Well, it’s the first thirty minute episode, which isn’t nothing. The next season would be presented in the half hour format, I’m guessing in part due to the direct success of this episode. This is sorta the “Fonzie's Getting Married” of Metalocalypse. 

This one is basically about the perils of sobriety. Pickles old band Snakes n’ Barrels gets back together without him. The effects of the dangerous drug they were dosed with in the first Snakes n’ Barrels episode turned all but Pickles into a blank slate, prime for reprogramming. Ricky Kixx, an obnoxious sober rock star (voiced by Mike Patton), happens to be the first guy to waltz into the band’s orbit. He does indeed reprogram them as a “bragging about sobriety” band. Pickles intends to settle the score with them, but they have a restraining order against him. Pickles will have to violate a legal boundary!  

Meanwhile: Ricky Kixx turns out to be a rageaholic who murders one of his assistants after revealing to him that he hates being sober, and considers it to be a terrible prison. He preaches sobriety just to make those around him as miserable as he is. Murderface feels angst from not having his side project PLANET PISS properly registered, and goes apeshit when he finds out Toki registered every planet piss web domain there is as a mean prank. Murderface goes to confront Toki at the Snakes n’ Barrels concert but Toki has gone absolutely mental beating an especially obnoxious straight-edge fan half-to-death. This is during the show’s climax when lingering effects of the drug in the bands' systems cause mass chaos. 

It is time for me to list stuff now. Here are some other things in the episode: Dr. Rockso is in this, no longer a clown and two months sober (give or take). He is eventually tempted by his old clownsona in a series of hallucinations. There is a funny scene where Nathan explosion slaps the vendors at the sober rock show, he just slaps them silly. Uh, that’s only two things, which isn’t really a list. Okay, a third thing: they cut the theme song short for fun. That’s fun! 

I like this episode fine, but I don’t think I loved it. It ends fairly strong, it feels slightly experimental in that we get some longer scenes, like when Dethklok bash their manager’s lamp collection, and a fun aside where Pickles gives his tour of LA. Both of these things would have probably been cut from an 11 minute version of the episode. They’re fun, but I wouldn’t consider these among my favorite scenes in Metalocalypse history. I will forever be curious what an edited-down version of this episode would be like. It will haunt me for the rest of my days.

MAIL BAG

Hello, I am here and I'm nice. Time to answer some messages that the people (my many very real fans) are sending me:

these "tasty tuesdays" have really been running me for a loop

Oh, I don't know... tuesday is tasty to me, but maybe for you? (??)

i log it and there's nothing, every tuesday, for whatever reason. out partying with your friends? hmm? can you at least have a microblog every tuesday about the tastiest thing you had in the past week. people would actually like it. that's the thing.

Okay: for real: My initial post on this blog I basically said "I'm gonna update mostly every day but please don't mind it when I skip a day" and I'm basically exercising that clause right there. But yeah, I have a thing I do on Tuesday nights and I seemingly, no matter what, wind up working later than usual on Tuesday so I almost never have time. I also tend to burn out on the blog when I consciously build up a backlog. Maybe you noticed or maybe you didn't, but MONDAY evenings have sorta become a crapshoot for me lately, too.

Very fun fact: I was going to attempt a Tuesday post last night, and figured I could knock out this episode/write-up very easily, and then put it on and saw it was a double episode instead of the previously-assumed 11 minutes. So I bailed! What could have been!

Also, the elite group of very real hackers who humiliate me by titling my Tuesday posts as some variation of "Tasty Tuesday" have gotten in touch with me and told me that they need more time to come up with new titles. I hate that they are disgracing my blog with their vandalism, but I respect the creative process enough that I feel I must oblige.

Also the tastiest thing I eat each week is always PUSSY

[gustingirl]

tagged!

just had a bit of free time for the first time during the whole week and saw that @joon-rkive just tagged me so why not seem completely desperate and do it right now? (i’m leaving the orange hearts bc they're cute and bc i copied the entire thing and i’m too lazy to delete them)

🧡 favorite time of the year: it's quite funny, i love the november-december time bc i’m usually during final exams and it's a moment that feels like the war has ended (y'know the titkok meme). so i love it because it's also when i start my summer vacations

🧡 comfort food: milanesas will always be a comfort food. especially from club de la milanesa

🧡 favorite dessert: lately i've been digging fruit a lot, especially like mix of fruits that restaurants give out (idk if this is a global thing)

🧡 things you collect: if you look at my room, it appears like i collect journals and notebooks. might be true

🧡 favorite drink(s): coffee has become addictive lately. i also love mate and carbonated/sparkling water? i never know the difference. i’m talking about water with gas

🧡 favorite musical artist: at the moment, bts, greta van fleet and fito paez

🧡 last song you listened to: cite tango by astor piazolla because i was rewatching los simuladores (i needed to see santos wearing a sweater again) and no kidding that song slaps, tango is just superior

🧡 last movie you watched: argentina 1985 and let me tell you, if we don’t win an oscar with that movie i’m burning down hollywood

🧡 last series you watched: technically los simuladores but only bc i rewatched one episode just five minutes ago

🧡 series you’re currently watching:  trying to finish house md but the cancer arc is taking me long to finish. i’m not emotionally ready

🧡 current obsession: i’m sure if you check out my blog you can tell right away

🧡 dream place to visit: i always say the same three countries but honestly i’m not even sure i have a dream place to visit. i always say japan, poland and south korea but i’m not sure anymore

🧡 a place you’ve been that you want to go back to: i miss going to mar del plata. it's quite expensive now if you don’t have an apartment at the shore, but i’m hoping to go back.

🧡 something you want: vacations. as simple as that

🧡 currently working on: finishing my major. i’m literally one step away and i can’t wait to be free.

tagging @christina-dh @trashlord-007 @jieunssi @zurdoabsurdo @palewhitehorse @professionalpenthief and @canaryislame

[clairecrive]

hi!!! can I ask for darkling smut after he and the reader get in an argument? like it starts out angry but by the end they're super passionate and cuddly? thank you and congrats on so many followers!!

A/n: you ask and you shall receive, hun! I love writing this so so much. I hope you'll like to read it too. Thanks for requesting and for your words xx This is also for this anon.

Warnings: angst, smut, fluff at the end

Word count: 2.9 K

Tags: @blackst0nes7077, @thefictionalgemini, @louweasleymalfoy @jupiterandbutterflies , @for-bebbanburg, @tarkanelima-blog, genre), @pansysgirlfriend, @acciorudolphx, @kaqua , @hannaxmaria, @vintagebitc, @deardiarystuff (if you want you can add yourself to my taglist by filling this form)

SHADOW AND BONE MASTERLIST

“You will not believe what-” y/n had the habit of not knocking before entering his room. The general had been more than annoyed with her initially, but she insisted that it was a way for him to distinguish her from everyone else.

Hear the door open? You don’t have to guess who it is, you’ll know it’s me, she used to tell him.

Now, however, she was wishing she didn’t have that habit in the first place. Stumbling into a room, your partner’s room, to find him standing way too close to another girl, wasn’t on her list for tonight. Maybe a warning would have been nice but at the same time, if she had knocked she wouldn’t have found them this way.

Her initial enthusiasm at the prospect of sharing this gossip with him had suddenly vanished. The smile on her face turned into a frown as Alina cleared her voice and took a step away from the general for decency’s sakes. Too late, y/n wanted to tell her.

It was painfully clear what she had interrupted. She willed her face to set into an emotionless expression but she couldn’t help a glance in Aleksander direction. Arms behind him, he looked nothing but proper and collected. But y/n knew him, probably better than anyone else in this world, and had learnt how to read his body. His jaw was clenched which meant that he wasn’t as calm as he wanted to appear.

Good, y/n thought, let him drown in guilt and misery.

Clearing her voice, she realized she had been standing there without saying anything for too long.

“I’m so sorry, General, I didn’t know you were busy. I should have knocked,” she excused herself without looking at them. “I’ll leave you to it.” With a slight nod, she added before hightailing out of the room.

She could feel Alina’s questioning gaze on her back as she closed the door behind her. There were already rumours going around about her supposed relationship with the General. No one knew for certain, neither y/n nor Kirigan had ever bothered confirming or denying them. Now though, she knew that words of this little encounter would spread, further cementing the already existing gossip.

Oh well, she thought as she walked to her room, by the looks of it there wasn’t going to be a relationship to gossip about anymore.

Her bedroom had lost every sense of familiarity and comfort a private space like this should have. She hardly ever slept in it anymore. Not since she and the general had become a thing. She only went there to change and so slipping into the bed felt weird and anonymous. As if she was in someone else’s bed and not hers.

Her sleep was doomed to be restless, she knew. However, tomorrow’s busy schedule prompted her to at least try and get some sleep. Even if it only was a couple of hours. Shuffling to change position she tried to keep Aleksander out of her mind.

An unachievable task, she was aware but she tried nonetheless. Things between them had been tense ever since he had come back to the Little Palace with her. y/n knew of his plans. She knew why he needed to do certain things and how Alina was involved. That didn’t mean she was fine with it though.

Not only did it bother her the fact that he was stripping the girl of her will and powers eventually but it also bothered her that he had chosen to get to her by manipulating her feelings. They had had countless fights because of this but nothing ever came out of it. A centuries-long existence meant that he was stubborn beyond belief and there was no way of making him change his mind once it was set on something.

After what she had witnessed today though, y/n wondered if the jokes were on him and he did end up feeling something genuine for Alina. Y/n herself had met her and spoke with her a couple of times and she had to admit begrudgingly that she wasn’t that bad.

Lost in her thoughts, y/n was snapped out of it by a loud knock at her door. As soon as she started to wonder who could be bothering her at this hour, the door opened and she stopped guessing.

Of course, it was him.

“I’m in no mood to talk to you, Aleksander. Please go.” She spoke, not bothering to turn towards where she knew he was standing. Y/n knew that while she couldn’t see him in the dark this wasn’t true for him. Shadows didn’t hinder his view like they did everyone else, they were an extension of him.

He didn’t speak but she also didn’t hear him walking away. She let out a sigh and that was the only way she was willing to acknowledge him. He wanted to stand in the shadow and stare like a creep? Fine, two could play this game.

Set on ignoring him, she stubbornly stared ahead of her. She was very aware of his eyes on her, stinging like needles. If sleep was arduous to achieve before now it was impossible. In any case, she closed her eyes and pretended to be at least. He wouldn’t know the difference and would leave her alone at some point.

But of course, she knew him well enough by now and he wasn’t as easily deterred. She didn’t know how much time passed but her eyes flew open as she felt her bed dip. Her breath hitched and she laid on full alert.

Then she felt the shadow of his touch on her neck and knew that he was close. Way too close that he should be. He was probably propped on his arm as she felt her pillow dip too.

“We don’t have to talk if you don’t want to.” He whispered close to her ears, his lips suggestively tracing her earlobe.

Despite the chills that his touch would usually send to her body, y/n stifled a treacherous gasp. Instead, her body stiffened and she almost pushed him away but she wasn’t sure that touching him wouldn’t backfire.

“If you think I’d let you lay a finger on me after you touched her, you’re sorely mistaken.”

“Who says I did?”

“Please, stick to manipulating one girl, okay? Move. away.”

He didn’t reply but the hand that was on her neck moved to her shoulder and pushed back so that she was laying on her back and facing him. Well, the darkness was too thick for her to actually see his face but she could feel his breath.

“Do not push me away.”

“Don’t tell me what to do.” Y/n bite back.

“You’re well aware of my plans, don’t act so betrayed now.”

“Well, maybe I’m tired of being a pawn in your schemes.”

“A pawn isn’t aware of its role nor of the whole plan.”

“Being smart with me won’t help, Aleksander. You want Alina? Fine, go get her. But leave me out of this.” Pulling her face free of his grip, she turned on her side. The shadows around him had dissipated a bit, allowing you to glimpse at his face.

“You cannot do this, y/n.” he growled, pushing her on her back again, “you said you were in this. You said you wanted me, that you were going to be by my side always. You can’t just change your mind. You can’t.” His voice was strangled with emotion almost breaking on some words.

Y/n had never heard his voice so filled with sorrow. Because that’s what he must be feeling. She thought that he was also feeling betrayed by her but then she realized-- no, he was afraid. Afraid of losing her.

He knew what he did and he also was aware that y/n was not one to mess with. She was just as stubborn as he was and just as prideful. What she had seen had hurt her and it was only what she felt for him that prevented him from being mindlessly dismissed and removed from her life. She had not resisted him more forcefully because she cared, because the wound was still french and that meant that there was still a tiny hope left.

“That was before you fell for another woman. I can’t stand by and watch you be with her. You can’t ask that of me.” She whispered, meeting his eyes. No matter how much she loved him, that was simply something she was not willing to put herself through.

“That’s not what I’m asking. That’s not what's happening.” He pledged. Y/n didn’t know if it was a trick of the moonlight seeping in from her window but she saw his eyes well with unshed tears.

“Isn’t it?”

“It isn’t.” He insisted, his hand on your jaw holding it closer. “Alina is a pawn, Alina doesn’t know what is going to happen, she doesn’t know me.” Heaving a sigh, Aleksander held her face, his thumb caressing her cheek.

“There is no one on this earth that has ever seen me more clearly than you do, solnishko. I know what you saw, I know what it looked like because that was intentional. But I trust you to know the difference between what it’s really happening and what it looks like because they’re not the same.” His eyes were alive with an intensity y/n had only seen a few times before. He was ancient and he was skilled at manipulation amongst other things. She always tried to keep that in mind but now, looking at him, she couldn’t help but feel like he was being genuine.

Why would he want me near? There wasn’t an ulterior motive for wanting her by her side. Yes, she was the only one who knew about his plans but that wasn’t it. If it was, he would have simply killed her. Took less time than this. Also, y/n knew that the power was in her hands. If she said no, that she couldn’t do this anymore, she was sure that Aleksander would let her go.

“But the way you were looking at her, Aleks, I just-” a lump formed in her throat as she recalled the look on his face, “you’re spending more and more time with her and I can’t help but fear that- I mean she’s literally the embodiment of sunshine.”

“You’ve never seen the way I look at you, then.” Thumb trailing over her lower lip now, he gave her a weak smile. “I swear that there’s no one dearer to me than you.”

“I’m not sure I can’t stand the idea of you kissing and touching her, Aleksander, I’m sorry.” Y/n insisted as well because she knew him and she knew that the way she worded things was crucial.

“That won’t happen then.” He assured but she was still not fully convinced.

“I promise it won’t come to that.” So Aleks rephrased. It was better but still not good enough. But they could work on that surely.

“It seems to me though, that I have not done a good job at showing you what you meant to me. I need to reinforce it, don’t you think?” He proposed, using the hand on her face to pull her closer to him.

“I agree.” y/n mumbled on his lips before they smashed together. She didn’t wait for him to initiate the kiss. She thought she had lost him tonight and had already been trying to plan her life without him. She wasn’t willing to waste any more time. She was going to show everyone that he was hers and only hers so as not to leave any more doubts around them. Fuck gossip.

Propping herself on her elbow she used it as leverage to reach up to meet him. The hand he had on her face moved backwards to hold her head while her hand did the same in his hair. Both of them pulled the other impossible close, not willing to leave the smallest of spaces between them.

Sitting up, y/n used her other hand to first the lapel of his kefta. She quickly unfasted the buttons to get rid of it before she pushed him on his back.

“She thinks she has a chance, uh.” She taunted as she straddled his waist, roughly gathering her sleeping gown around her waist while his hands instantly shot up to rest on her hips.

“She thinks she’ll be as lucky as seeing you like this?” she continued, her hands caressing his naked chest, “that she’ll have the chance of touching you? kissing you?” she leaned down, one hand at the nape of his head to make him meet her halfway. It wasn’t a long kiss, she needed to make a point after all. Pulling away, she bit his lower lip earning a moan from him.

“To feel you like this?” she whispered in his mouth as her hips wiggled over his clothed member. His hands tightened his hold on her hips, pushing her down on it increasing the pressure.

“She’s delusional,” Aleks gasped as her mouth trailed kisses along his jaw and neck where it nipped and sucked.

“Mh,” y/n agreed, “let’s make sure she knows.” She promised before her mouth went back to sucking a few hickeys on his neck. Aleks only moaned and gave her more space to work on. His hands trailed up from her waist, cupping her breasts before playing with her nipples.

As her mouth lowered on his collarbone, Aleks decided that enough was enough. His hands roughly gripped the end of her gown before hastily pulling it up and off her body. One arm snaked over her waist pulling her flush against him as he sat up.

“Enough teasing,” he warned as the hand that wasn’t on her quickly discarded his undergarments.

“As you wish, moy sovregni,” she whispered sultrily on his lips knowing fully what effect those words had on him. Aleksander growled on her mouth, his hands kneading her ass cheeks as he gently lowered her on him.

Gasping as she felt every inch of him enter her, y/n gripped his shoulders as she started to move. Aleks’ hands guided her as she set a steady pace.

“She’s never going to feel your hands on her body,” she breathed as Aleks’ hips snapped up, setting a rougher pace.

“You’re mine.” She growled possessively on his lips as her hips met his.

“I’m yours, y/n. Just as you’re mine.” His tone matched hers. He sealed his promise with a bruising kiss. The trusting was becoming more and more frantic and Aleks’ could feel y/n clench around him.

With no previous warning, he lowered his hands from her ass to her thighs so that he could hold her while he changed their position. Guiding her legs to wrap around his waist, Aleksander leaned on his knees while he pushed her upper body down with his chest. Y/n gasped on his lips not knowing if it was for the movement, for the change of position that meant that he was now able to reach deeper than before or because she could feel her orgasm approaching.

Whatever the reason may be, Aleks swallowed her gasp as his lips refused to leave hers. Snapping his hips, he moved his hands from her legs. One went to stimulate her clit while the other choked her lightly. He knew that this combo would prove to send her over the edge. Not long after, as a matter of fact, he felt y/n’s nails on his shoulders as well as her walls tightening around him. He was not behind.

While y/n whimpered his name over and over as her orgasm hit her, Aleksander’s thrusts began to falter. With one deep thrust, he emptied inside her, obscene sounds leaving his mouth.

He leaned over y/n’s body, both of their breaths heavy, they basked in the afterglow. Aleks’ head rested over her chest, comforted by her steady heartbeat while y/n’s hands trailed over his back.

Once their breath had levelled and they could regain control over their limbs, Aleks propped himself over his elbow, his nose nuzzling y/n’s making her giggle at the soft touch. She loved these rare moments of softness and intimacy between them. If she could, she’d never let them end.

“I promise you’ll never have to doubt me again.”

“If you keep this up, it’d be impossible for me to.” She chuckled, referring to her limp body. She couldn’t trust her body to move. Sex with Aleksander always had this effect on her.

“Good to know I can still satisfy you.” He smirked as he leaned down for a small kiss. Giggling on his lips, y/n pulled him close, making him rest his weight on her rather than his elbow.

“I’m thoroughly sated, my love. You have nothing to worry about in that department.” Aleks couldn’t see her but could feel the smirk on her lips. Intertwining their legs, he got more comfortable on her. Her arms held him in a tight embrace.

“You’ll do well to remember it, dearest.” His voice came out muffled since his face rested between her breasts but y/n got what he meant anyway. Laughing at the idea that she could ever need anyone else, y/n held him closer to her chest. The embrace her form of a promise to him.

She had everything she’d ever need right here in her arms.

[buckys-little-belle]

Okay okay one more and it’s only so I don’t forget cause I will; How about When Bubba try’s to weasel out of or Stall or bedtime cause they struggle with a loud brain aka Anxiety, or insomnia Surprise me lol it can be Steve or Bucky and this can be a fic or HC (No rush either 💗 just wanted to send it before I forget ((of course it had to be around bedtime)) lol)

Just a little longer

Steve x Little!reader (they/them/ no pronouns used)

Warnings : sleep issues, mentions of anxiety, soft!steve

SFW : please keep all interactions with this fic and blog SFW

Authors note : I’m sorry that its only Steve! I was going to do both but I had a huge brain crash and for some reason i had no idea what to write for Bucky! I hope you like it anyways <3

- - - - - - - - - -

Steve

Steve my beloved

Steve is definitely a routine guy, he has a whole bedtime schedule thats framed in your bedroom in case you forget the next step.

So when he notices that you aren’t following the routine he knows its not because you don’t know what to do.

The first night he blames himself for your odd behaviour, thinking he let you eat too much sugar before bed, how could he let you drink a regular juice box instead of the sugar free ones?

He noticed that night that you were awake for longer than usual, your breathing taking longer than usual to become steady, your body wriggling around for longer than normal.

Again he chalked this up to the lack of structure when it came to your bedtime routine that night, the lack of structure chalked up to a sugar overload because of the juice box.

The second night you seemed to be even more off schedule, refusing to stop colouring at 9pm like normal, wanting to finish your page that you clearly just started.

Then when you finally lost that argument you refused to drink the juice, saying it was too sweet, which he knew for a fact was a lie, you drank the same juice last night.

None the less he poured half of the juice box into a sippy cup, filling the rest up with water. Looking at the clock though he was frustrated, you were already 20 minutes off schedule.

After brushing your teeth and getting you all settled into bed he heard you slip out of bed and running to your playroom. When you returned you had a story book with you. “Read it for me?” You asked with puppy dog eyes.

“Baby it’s bedtime” he responded, frustration clearly laced how words. “Um yes, but i needa book daddy” your bottom lip now puffed out. “Baby you never want to read stories before bed what’s going on?”

At this point steve had gotten out of bed and walked towards you, taking the book out of your hands and picking up up, eventually sitting the two of you down on the edge of the bed.

“Nofin” you pout, your brain panicking, trying to come up with any excuse to stay up later. Steve layed his head atop yours, “baby what’s wrong” he spoke, his voice calm and collected this time.

“My brain jus wont stop movin’” your words were slurred and your body tired. Steve knew what you meant, you’ve been doing really well lately but he knows that sometimes your anxiety can make you think non stop when you just want to sleep.

“Okay” he said as he kissed the top of your head, slowly moving you to our side of the bed, tucking you back under the covers.

He walked towards the door and let you know he would be right back, soon walking back into the room with his laptop. He set it down on your night table and began scrolling through Netflix, eventually finding a tv show to put on for you.

He found that during these times, where your mind wouldn’t stop thinking about everything and anything, that watching some tv to distract your mind would put you to sleep in no time. The characters occupying your thoughts and our body slipping into the deep sleep that you needed.

He slipped into bed behind you, holding you in his arms as he wrapped his legs with yours. “Feeling better baby?” He whispered. You mumbled back a quick “mhm”

The two of you stayed like that for a half an hour, by then you fell asleep and steve turned the tv show off, soon falling asleep as well.

[straighttohellbuddy]

once you say it out loud it can’t be undone {Corpse Husband/Fem!Reader}

Summary: Non-Fatal Hanahaki AU. Feelings are fair game for nine months out of the year, but God forbid you develop a crush during Hanahaki Season; three months of coughing up petals just because you’re in love with someone who doesn’t love you back? It’s a damn inconvenience. You haven’t had an active Hanahaki Season in the four years since you started YouTube, and you think that since you’re in quarantine, not going outside, not meeting new people, you’ll be fine this year too! Except that you start playing Among Us with a group of people you’ve never met before, friends of friends, including the elusive Corpse Husband, who’s kind, and funny, and may be flirting with you, but you’re not quite sure. The point is, you make friends with him not expecting much beyond a streaming buddy, but then you get talking more often, chatting and joking at all hours in DMs, and he’s calling you sweet nicknames on stream, and you wake up on the first day of your Season coughing up flower petals and cursing yourself for falling for a man who’s first name you don’t even know! 

{ p l a y l i s t }

A/N: 17,511 words. hello i wrote and ~mildly~ edited this in 24 hours because my adhd said ‘u will write a terrifying amount of words about corpse’ and i said ‘YES SIR, RIGHT AWAY’. anyways, hi, i don’t write a lot for the YouTube fandom anymore because rpf is a trick grey area, but unfortunately i don’t control the hyperfixation and  the boy’s sweet personality + his edgy aesthetic hit all of my buttons. this has GRATUITOUS pop culture references, and if you don’t know what Stardew Valley is, it’s essentially a farm simulator but you also make friends with the NPCs in the nearby village. lots of different youtubers are mentioned, but Ethan (Crankgameplays / Eef) and Sean (Jacksepticeye / Spedicy), and I guess Charlie (Cr1tikal / Greaseball) and Mark (Markiplier) are the other more heavily featured folks. god there’s so many words. You’ll have to excuse me for not knowing the others too well, I’m embarrassed to admit that I only really watch Ze and Corpse often in terms of Among Us streams. ANYWAYS, please let me know what you think, I hope you like it! if this ever gets to corpse himself im going to delete this entire blog, just as a warning. no backups. yeet.

Warnings: Swearing. Mentions of illness, of coughing/throwing up flower petals, and foreign objects in the mouth and windpipe, but there is no risk posed beyond an inconvenience, just thought i should warn you. 

Citrus Scale: 💚 LIME 💚

Taglist: @slashersdream @divine-artemis​ @realmejay​ @lovemelikepercy​ @balla-deer​ @miniritzcrackers​ @loraleiix​ @ppopty​ @easygoingtheatre​ @insanedeathwish​ @siriuslystupid @losvertown @janiathecat​ @wineandionysus​ @moonlightsimp​ @allylyew @chokingonflxwers​ @sicnesa @xxniksxx​ @mishisamess​ @preciousskye @yashinosakura​ @meleekabenjamin​ @whatamievendoinghere01​ @lxurxn-02 @liljennyx3 @the-fusionist @benjaminka

----

Hanahaki Season was different for everyone. No-one’s quite sure what evolutionary advantage there is to coughing up flowers for three months out of the year as the body’s way of dealing with perceived unrequited feelings, but, much to the entire world’s collective irritation, it was what it was. It begins for everyone when their first romantic feelings arise and aren’t reciprocated. That could be as early as kindergarten, wanting to hold hands with one of the kids in your class more than any other person, but watching them share their launchable with someone else, though middle school is most commonly where those feelings become strong enough to actually activate the bloom. Some people on the aromantic spectrum don’t activate it until their late teens, or college, or even later, and even then they may only experience it once or twice, since the situation in which they find themselves developing romantic feelings like that doesn’t occur often, or doesn’t occur during their Season. You’re kind of jealous of aromantic people who have never had to deal with it. 

Hanahaki Season lasts for three months, starting every year on the same date; the date you’d first ever had romantic feelings strong enough to start hacking up flower petals. You’re free to catch feelings for the other nine months without consequences, but watch out if you catch feelings around your Season, because your house tends to look like the opening of Ouran High School Host Club. The amount of flowers really varies depending on your feelings; you’d spent days putting professional florists to shame in the month leading up to your senior prom when you realized you had feelings for your best friend, right up until they asked you to go with them, and the petals had been gone the next day, but your smile hadn’t been.

Your body doesn’t care if they have feelings for you, all it knows is that you think they don’t, despite the feelings you absolutely, definitely have; it needs either a confirmation, or for you to get over it. 

You and your high school best friend had dated for about six months after prom, but decided that you were better off as friends, and thankfully, in the years since you’d started college, your Seasons had been a non-event; no romantic feelings, so nothing to worry about. It’s not that you didn’t go out, or didn’t date, it’s just that there was nothing serious enough to warrant an active Season when it actually came up.

You’ve had your YouTube channel since your Freshman year of college, something to do in your spare time, mainly playing videogames without a face cam. During your first year, you managed to develop a modest following of a few hundred, thousand subscribers, thanks to your long, gentle Stardew Valley videos. Even now, four years later, you’re still posting updates and playthroughs of it, which your long-time fans appreciate. 

After a year, you quickly gained a lot more traction, mostly because you joined Twitch, and finally added a face cam to your setup. Suddenly everyone knew what you looked like, and holy shit, they loved you! Your aesthetic surprised a lot of people; for your streams and videos, you put a lot of effort into your look, but the look itself was surprisingly in line with the pastel goth aesthetic, when people had clearly been expecting your attire to favour cottagecore. Despite it being unexpected, the look was definitely not unwelcome.

A little into your third year of YouTube, you graduated college, and hit a million subscribers, with a majority of your content still being either stream highlights, or long playthroughs with your gentle commentary over the top. Someone once likening you to Sykkuno in terms of wholesomeness, and after checking out his content, you were more than flattered by the comparison. Being called ‘SFW Cr1tikal’ was less flattering, though that was more to do with how calming your delivery was to listen to, and how your commentary sometimes came a little out of left field, or carried off on = unrelated tangents. You’re the YouTube gaming community’s darling, soft spoken with a kind attitude, someone who makes friends easily, finding yourself fitting in with the big dogs on the platform, despite how abrasive their own playthrough styles may be. 

So you hadn’t really thought about playing Among Us, it wasn’t exactly your brand. Oh, you’re well aware of it’s meteoric rise in popularity, and you weren’t against playing it with friends, but it’s not exactly something you’d seek out in your own time. Some of your followers wanted to see you play it, but a surprising majority were hesitant to watch you try it; the game was built on lying and backstabbing, and you, well you weren’t ruthless or cut-throat. You got upset when you gave a villager a gift they didn’t like in Stardew Valley, there’s no way you could kill and lie to your friends! Surely you were far too sweet to be good at Among Us.

The thing is, you’ve worked hard to make your online personality a kind and gentle experience, because for the most part, you are a kind and gentle person. You like to give people the benefit of the doubt, try to see the best in people, and treat others with kindness, because you’re well aware how difficult it is exist in modern society. That being said, it doesn’t mean that you don’t have depth; you’re a human being, one who’s been through college and had your fair share of weird and wonderful experiences. You’re neither as innocent nor as fragile as the world seems to expect, and you know you can be as deceitful and cunning as the next person if the need arises.

In the end, it’s Ethan who invites you to play with a few other YouTubers, Markiplier, Jacksepticeye, and ChilledChaos, to name a few, people you’ve spoken to occasionally and would probably consider acquaintances, though their reach far outstrips your own. Ethan’s one of the first people you reached out to when you were starting to get a following, and since you graduated college, and moved to LA, he’s also been your closest friend. So of course you agree.

Unsurprisingly, as soon as the lineup and streaming time had been announced on Twitter, confusion arose within your own fandom. You tweeted out a reassurance that they shouldn’t be concerned that you’re trying new things, that it’s an adventure, a chance to diversify, and that you’d still be making the content you’re known for. For now the fans seemed placated, and obligingly waited to judge for themselves, trusting your judgement in the meantime.

Before the stream starts, everyone’s joining the voice chat, making sure they’re all at the right levels, all recording, before you all go live. The very first thing Ethan announces for all of you and your collective audiences to hear, is that he can’t wait to see you play Imposter.

“What do you mean?” You played up your innocence in the voice chat, since as far as anyone else was aware, this was your first experience with the game.

“Glad to know I’m not the only one flying blind here,” Mark announces, and you tried not to let the guilt you felt show on your face, to your audience, for having mislead him.

Now, it’s not as if you’ve come into this completely blind; in preparation you’d watched a few Among Us streams by your friends, most notably Chilled’s. At the very least, you knew how the game worked theoretically, which you hoped would translate when you actually played, though you still weren’t certain it would. Ethan’s interest in seeing you in the Imposter role, however, appeared to stem from the fact that your kind persona didn’t seem to betray the conniving streak that you knew ran deep within you; none of the others had ever encountered it, and half even seemed to be convinced you didn’t have it in you. That, at the very least, you knew you could use to your advantage. Showing compassion to single-player horror game monsters was one thing, survival in a multiplayer competition that relied on deceit was something else entirely, and something you were more than capable of, even if the others didn’t realise it just yet.

When the others explain the game in brief, it’s mostly for Mark’s benefit at this point, though you’re glad to get a refresher on the mic-muting system before the game begins.

You’re a crewmate for the first game, doing tasks, keeping quiet during most of the meetings since you’re genuinely not sure of the names of the different areas of the ship. When you can, after spending a full round with him, you vouch for the little red one, Ze, during the second meeting, which only made him murdering you the very next round all the more surprising.

“Betrayal,” you gasp as you unmute your mic. Your chat immediately started blowing up with ‘BETRAYAL’, while Tesh and Wade made noises of agreement. Even as a ghost, you try and finish your tasks, however it’s not long before -

“Who murdered Y/N?” Ethan shouted into chat at the top of his lungs the minute he discovers your body, which is quickly followed by the remaining, living players bursting out laughing, gently ribbing him for making it seem like anyone would just admit to the murder on the basis of it being you. 

Poor Mark, not that he’d even killed anyone, is the next to be voted off after venting in front of Sean, since he was still yet to get a handle on all mechanics of the game. Ze, your murderer and relative veteran of the game, still managed to survive, pulling the Imposters through to a victory.

“J’accuse, Ze?” You ask, when you’re all back in the drop ship lobby, and his answering chuckle is coloured by a hint of guilt, before he’s apologising half-heartedly, though you’re quick to brush it off and put it behind you both.

“She defended you!” Ethan pointed out, and to his credit Ze admitted that’s why he felt bad about killing you only minutes later. You tell him that there’s no hard feelings, all water under the bridge, and the next game begins.

You keep getting crewmate for most of the stream, which lasted several hours, though at least in that time you gotten an understanding of the mechanics and controls, as well as the people you were playing with. After everyone concedes to a final round for the night, that’s when the word Imposter appears above your character’s head, alongside Ethan. 

You chat is going nuts. 

You fake card swipe in Admin, and kill Sean as he’s doing wires, immediately calling a Reactor emergency and venting into Medbay to then run out, alongside Tesh coming from Cafeteria, towards Reactor. After reactor, however, Sean’s body was found, and that’s when you discover Ethan’s killed Wade too.

Discussion follows, where you’d point out you’d come from Medbay and saw Tesh coming from Cafeteria right after the Reactor emergency began, not saying as much as you were implying her guilt. Immediately guided by the sincerity in your voice, the remaining players start grilling Tesh on her movements, not even thinking to question yours. 

When Tesh was voted out, sent careening from the airlock, your chat couldn’t seem to believe how earnestly you’d thrown an innocent under the bus. You give a half-smirk, taking in your audience’s reaction, but you don’t feel the need to comment, just plan your next attack. 

You find yourself meeting up with Ethan on your way out of Storage, as he comes from Communications, and the pair of you find Tyler by Shields. You and Ethan pause by Tyler, who wiggles at you both once he’s finished his task, and you quietly mutter to chatter, asking whether or not Ethan’s going to kill Tyler, or if he’s waiting for you. As if answering your unspoken question, Ethan hits the lights and you go in for the kill. The pair of you take off immediately, heading north to fix lights and flee the crime scene. 

“Holy shit,” Chilled announces when he calls a meeting, only to see that there’s only five of you left, since the lights being off meant no-one had found Tyler, Ethan had presumably killed Ryann in Communications before the two of you had met up.

“I don’t trust Y/N,” Mark said slowly.

“Mark?” You did your best to inject as much betrayal and disappointment into your voice as you could.

“You seem too sweet,” he went on, and okay that was kind of valid, but still, there was no supporting evidence that he could point to for that being valid in the eyes of anyone else.

“Y/N and I were together for most of the last round, we fixed the lights together,” Ethan pointed out; Tyler was probably yelling with his mic off.

“That’s true, I had just jumped on cams and saw Y/N and Eef meet up outside of Comms and go through to Shields just before lights went off,” Chilled confirmed, and Mark hummed, loud and thoughtful.

“Mark, why are you sus on Y/N?” Bob asked, and Mark began to splutter loudly, reaffirming that you just seemed too sweet to be innocent, like you were hiding something. Ethan points out that you had plenty of time to kill him, but didn’t, which only has Mark’s spluttering growing louder as he defends himself.

“Well maybe you’re both imposters!” But it doesn’t land with the sentiment he probably hopes it does, as both Chilled and Bob seem to be convinced that Mark is just throwing out accusations to save himself, and you and Ethan are more than happy to follow their lead and vote him out. 

The minute the screen shows that the imposters won, the voice chat is a riot. Loudest of all, unsurprising, was Mark’s vitriolic yelling about how he was right, and to never trust the nice ones, with Tyler asking how you could both betray him like that. All you could do was laugh and offer apologies as the stream was ending. 

You’d had a good time, enjoyed yourself, and it seems like your subscribers enjoyed it well enough. If you were to be invited back, you knew you’d be more than happy to jump at the opportunity. That opportunity arose sooner than you’d expected, with Sean sending you a Twitter DM asking if you wanted to play with him and a few friends on a stream in a few days time. 

Of course you said yes.

Once news hit of you joining Sean’s usual Among Us crew, a new series of speculation began to occur, most notably people worried about seeing you interact with people like Cr1tikal and Pewds, while others were excited to see more of the Imposter-side of you that they hadn’t realised had been there before you’d played a genuinely competitive game. Until the actual stream, however, you just played your usual Stardew Valley stream, spent another few hours trying to get through more of Star Wars Jedi: The Fallen Order on it’s Grandmaster difficulty.

You enter the Among Us lobby under the name 2sweet, an idea that had come curtesy of Mark’s speculations and ranting last time you’d played, and it managed to get Sean to laugh as he was introducing you to the others over the voice chat. A lot of them had nicknames like that, Greaseball, Spedicy - Charlie and Sean respectively - and CORPSE, all capitals, though you had no real frame of reference for him beyond that.

Your chat was begging you to say hi to him.

“Chat wants me to say hi to Corpse,” you say tentatively, to which you heard a heavy laugh, Corpse’s microphone image lighting up in the corner of your screen at the same time.

“She hasn’t played with you before, has she?” Pewds was snickering, and you reminded them that this is technically only your second time playing.

“Come on, Sean, this isn’t fair on her, you’ve brought her into a big brain server for her second time, no prep, no lube, that’s just cruel,” Charlie piped up, and while his wording left you a little shocked, Sean was quick to defend your skills from your last game, warning them not to underestimate you.

“Anyways,” you gave a laugh once he’d quietened down, feeling a little abashed at the show of support, “hi Corpse.” You returned to your chat’s original request, and there was that laugh again.

“Hi 2sweet,” came his response, and oh okay, chat’s interest makes total and complete sense. You know the suddenly flustered surprise reads on your face because the chat is suddenly spamming the 😳 emoji and ‘GIRL SAME’.

“That makes sense,” you find your voice quickly, trying to play it cool, “I didn’t understand why they were so adamant when like, there’s more than one person in the lobby, but,” you nod, clicking your tongue, “yeah that makes sense.” And almost everyone is quick to chime in with amused agreement. Sykkuno then greets you with enthusiasm, which you return in kind, excited to be finally playing with him after so many people had drawn similarities between the two of you. 

The game gets underway, and you’re a crewmate first up once more, but this time you don’t have to wait until the final game to play Imposter. 

Maybe it’s because they don’t know you, maybe they’re taking you simply at face value, the kind voice and earnest tone of it all, but you manage to pull through to a victory without anyone seriously suspecting you. The other Imposter is Charlie, who is unfortunately voted off after the third round, however, each time you were asked about your movements, or motivations, or opportunities, or whereabouts, you were able to bullshit your way through an alibi and turn suspicion on someone else without hesitation. 

“I was sus on Pewds since the start,” finally, it was down to you, Corpse, and Pewds, the final three; you’d just killed Sykkuno and self-reported. 

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Pewds hollered while you were trying not to laugh, “2sweet, what the -”

“Pewds, I literally walked past you in Cafeteria like you were coming out of weapons, and then found poor Sykkuno’s body in weapons!” You told him, tone even and sincere, while he screeched in frustration.

“Sykkuno was alive and well and doing the- the pew pew- the laser weapons task when I left! You probably vented in there and killed him and then vented to Admin to run into me leaving Cafeteria,” he accused.

“I don’t even know where Admin is!” You argued back, playing the dumb and innocent card. Even so, the bubble popped up above Pewd’s character saying that he voted, and you knew he’d voted for you before he even announced as such. You voted for him in retaliation, “how could I big-brain like that without even knowing where I am?” You countered, despite the fact that he had guessed your play exactly. 

“Corpse, please man, don’t- don’t kill us all; don’t vote for me, I’m innocent,” Pewds finally was the one to addressing the third remaining player, the deciding vote, and Corpse, who for his part, had been quiet during your argument, hummed thoughtfully.

“I wouldn’t kill Sykkuno over Pewds, if I was the imposter,” you lied, in an attempt to play on the loyalties that a few others had teased him about before the round. At least it got him to snort a laugh.

“That’s a good point,” Corpse mused.

“No it’s not!” Pewds scoffed, and you had to press your hand to your mouth to keep from laughing. 

“Gotta go with my gut here guys, I was in Electrical so I didn’t see any of this shit go down,” and Corpse voted, without actually saying who he’d voted for. The three of you waited with baited breath as the votes were counted. Pewds was out.

“You doomed us all,” Pewds told him flatly as it showed him getting ejected, followed by the Imposter winning screen. 

“Ah, fuck,” Corpse muttered, but he didn’t seem too mad about it as everyone else began unmuting themselves.

“Holy shit, 2sweet, you had me half convinced Pewds was imposter and I was the other imposter, what the fuck?” Charlie snickered, sounding almost proud.

“2sweet’,” Corpse muttered, as if he couldn’t quite believe that he’d fallen for it. You give a soft, sincere apology for lying to him, “too sweet is definitely right.” Your actual name isn’t 2sweet, so why did it send a shiver down your spine every time he addressed you like that?

But you keep that to yourself.

The rest of the stream goes well, several hours and a few more imposter runs, getting to know the other streamers and developing the basis of a few friendships, and getting invited to future streams, much to your delight.

“Bye 2sweet’s chat, bye 2sweet,” Corpse adds as the session is ending, amusement clear in his voice, to which you snort.

“Bye Corpse,” you respond, before adding, “bye Corpse’s chat who didn’t ask about me.” That gets him to laugh, the sound of which fills your ears and warms something in your chest, strangely enough. The rest of the streamers also say goodbye to your’s and Corpse’s audiences after that, before you all go your separate ways. 

You finish editing the footage from your first Among Us stream the following day, and upload it under the title ‘AM I TOO SWEET FOR THIS GAME? | AMONG US WITH FRIENDS’, right around the time that the rest of the people that had been featured in the stream begin uploading their recordings of it also.

Suddenly, you seemed to be gaining an influx of followers, you assumed from several of the other big-name YouTubers that were part of the stream. This, of course, also also meant new Twitter, Instagram, and Twitch followers, which, while lovely, was also concerning. Your followers were generally as chill and kind as the content you produced, and of course there were a few bad apples, but you made it known that bullying and harassments was unacceptable within your fandom, and you tried to personally see to that as best you could. But newcomers, viewers used to Mark and Ethan and Sean, who don’t know your content and your vibe, you weren’t sure how they were going to perceive you. While you were hopeful they’d fit in easily, you couldn’t guarantee anything. So you were waiting to see what happened.

With the release of the videos also came a lot of fellow content creators following you too, other gamers who you hadn’t been aware of until now, including the folks from your second stream, last night. 

An hour after the video has been uploaded, you check your twitter, only to see that @Corpse_Husband has replied to you tweeting out your Among Us video, replying to the title specifically. 

@Corpse_Husband: Yes.

Several people have commented under his tweet, including Pewds, Mark, and Chilled, all in agreement. Sean just comments that Corpse is mad that he didn’t think you were sus when you were the imposter. You respond to the whole thread with a blushing smile and sparkling heart emoji. 

Soon enough, fan art began popping up of your Among Us video, a few of which you retweeted; you really liked the ones that made you and Ethan look like a terrifying murder duo, watching Tyler do his little dance of friendship at Shields, while the two of you were holding knives behind your back. 

Ethan retweets one that you tag him in, adding that he’s never been so happy to be terrified of himself. The two of you then spend some time in DMs making plans to play something with a few other friends in the near future. You check Discord, and see Sean’s messaged you about another stream in a few days with the crew from last night, and Chilled was messaging you too, about a potential session with Ze, and a few folks you hadn’t played with before. It’s easy to agree to it all, to fit it into the schedule you’d developed at the start of quarantine after your job had made you redundant. Now with nothing but free time on your hands, it was streaming daily; Stardew Valley once or twice a week, single-play streams of whatever took your fancy every other day, and now hopefully two Among Us collabs. Seven days a week, editing when you’re not playing, and keeping up your friendships online when you’re not editing. It keeps you busy, it keeps your mind active so you’re not going stir crazy in quarantine. 

“Hey 2sweet, hey 2sweet’s chat,” has become something of a ritualistic greeting from Corpse whenever the two of you played together, which you would return in kind, greeting both him and his chat with a smile in your voice. You’d now played with him in a few streams over the past few weeks, chatting in DMs, and from time to time you found yourself watching his stream highlights, if only to see what had been really happening whenever he had been shady and evasive in the stream. There was something easy about talking to him; for reasons that seemed lost to the rest of the crew, the two of you just seemed to get along. Maybe it’s that he had a growing appreciation for your surprisingly varied set of interests, which he admitted to not suspecting when he’d first spoken to you, given your demeanor. 

You also shared a fondness for Sykkuno, and spent two full games attempting to bodyguard him together, leading Charlie, and subsequently a dedication portion of your fans, to start calling you the Sykkuno Simp Squad. 

And okay, yes, something about Corpse’s voice, the kind way he spoke to you, the way he seemed to be quick to defend you, it set your heart aflutter, but you could keep that to yourself. You hadn’t even realised it would be an actual problem until someone had brought up -

“Yeah, like a year ago I had to wait, like, a full half an hour for a coffee, I wasn’t mad or anything, it’s not like I had anywhere to be, but it turns out the barista had straight up, like, Kill Bill style blood-sprayed petals all over the coffee machine and they had to clean it off,” Charlie had mentioned; you’re not sure how the conversation had gotten to Hanahaki, but suddenly a cold sense of dread was pooling in the pit of your stomach. Suddenly your harmless feelings became far less harmless.

“Aren’t there, like, OH&S issues around that?” Toast asked, and someone else made a vague comment about paid time off varying from company to company, but Pewds cuts in quickly.

“That’s gotta be one of the best things about quarantine; I mean, I haven’t had to deal with that shit since like, high school, and Marzia and I got together before either of our Seasons hit, but like, going outside less means meeting less people, right? That’s gotta mean active Seasons have been low,” you wished that was the case, and according to Sean, you’re not alone.

“Yeah, you’d think,” Sean muses, “but I don’t know if you saw, Ethan was coughing up petals from March, just because he’s got a thing for one of his local baristas and he keeps wondering if they’re okay in the pandemic, even though he’s not seeing them,” it wasn’t that Sean was outing Ethan, since he’d been taking part in Unus Annus he couldn’t exactly hide what was happening. 

Ethan had explained his situation as vaguely as possible, as to not out who this person specifically was, but with enough descriptor that his online friends wouldn’t be harrassed for possibly being the object of his affection. It worked. Mostly. You’d gotten a few weird DMs during those months, but they were easy to ignore.

He and Mark had spent a good few videos actually studying the petals and their properties, as well as Ethan himself. It had even lead to the meme of Mark yelling at the top of his lungs ‘this is what you get for having feelings’ while Ethan made a comically upset face, tongue out with a few petals still sticking to it. 

“My Season hasn’t been active since, like, my senior year of high school,” you heard yourself saying, not quite sure why, “I’m dreading my next one, I think I’ve forgotten how irritating they are,” you laugh but there’s no real humor in it, and the conversation quickly moves on.

Your stream chat, however, did not. When did your Season start, they wanted to know, why had you even brought it up, could it be active this year; what does it all mean - ?!

Imposter, first round, with Toast.

The crew votes you out during the second round, and with good reason. Your mind was elsewhere, still on the earlier Hanahaki conversation; you can’t come up with any sort of convincing alibi, and suddenly you’re watching yourself get thrown into lava. 

“Warm up round,” you’d laughed, hoping your audience would buy it, hoping you could play off your weirdness as first round jitters, sticking with following Toast for the rest of the game, helping him sabotage. Eventually, and unfortunately, he was voted out during the final round, and as everyone’s unmuting themselves in the lobby, he asks you what happened.

“Head wasn’t in the game,” you sighed, “what team? Not Wildcats, apparently,” you sounded so disappointed in yourself, but thankfully the reference and your dramatics got a few people to laugh.

“’s okay, Sweets, you’ll get ‘em next time,” Corpse adds, and you think you can feel your heart skip a beat at the nickname. 

“You’re just being nice because I didn’t kill you,” you responded after a moment, trying, once more, to play it cool.

“Only ‘cos you didn’t get the chance,” he snickers, something in his tone that you can’t quite decipher, but it makes your pulse race, “I know you’d have killed me if you could.” 

“On a good day, 2sweet would kill us all and make a delicious fucking pie, Sweeny Todd style,” Charlie adds, giving you time to calm your erratic and traiterous heart, “and be all cutesy about it, too.” 

“In real life?” Sean asks, clearly amused.

“Of-fucking-course in real life,” Charlie’s adamantly doubling down, completely sincere, “she sounds like she’s all sweet and innocent, but you guys have seen her on Instagram, she looks like she bites; like a colorful poisonous toad, it’s a warning. I know Mark warned you about her and I think he’s damn right; beware the nice ones.”

“It’s so cute you think I’m nice, Charlie!” You couldn’t help yourself, rejoining the conversation with your tone bright and chipper, only to be suddenly met with silence.

“Fuck,” Corpse breathed, tone on the edge of amused and strangely dazed.

“I’d like to go on record to say that I am afraid,” Charlie added, but you could hear he was grinning. 

“You were a little angel before you started playing Among Us,” Sean points out, and now your grin is all teeth, not that any of the other players can see. Chat appreciates it, though.

“Then blame Eef, he’s the one who invited me,” you reminded him, “and for the record, this is the first game I’ve played that’s required lying and backstabbing in order to win; Mario Kart’s not exactly asking people to gaslight their friends,” the comparison, while amusing, does help your point, “just because I never told you I was capable of evil, doesn’t mean I’m not.” 

“I like Evil-Y/N,” Sykkuno says with complete sincerity, breaking the silence that had followed your words.

“I like you too, buddy!” You coo, sitting back in your chair, wearing a grateful little smile, hand pressed to your chest, strangely touched by his words as the conversation picks back up right before the next round starts. 

During the next round, in which you’re a crewmate, you’re doing your download task in Cafeteria when you chance a glance to your chat, only to see people excitedly spamming ‘Sweets!’ or talking about how they ship you and Corpse. It’s weirdly validating, not that you’d give any indication that you’d seen those particular messages, however clearly it appears that your crush hadn’t formed on the basis of absolutely nothing.

But you’re desperately trying not to think about it, especially not with your Season starting in less than a month. 

It’s difficult to not think about when you’re editing footage, listening to him defend you, pay you occasional compliments, joke with you, and it’s like you can already feel the familiar ache of the petals in your chest, your windpipe. There’s no way around it, no way to will these feelings away now that you know they’ve taken root. This Season is going to be Hell.

It’s easy to turn your mind off when you’re streaming Stardew Valley, vibing out to low-fi Spotify playlists. You take care of your farm, give villagers blueberries and jugs of milk, and try and romance Shane, the sad chicken man. Again. This is not your original farm, but you’ve been playing for four years, so it’s understandable that you’ve had a few in that time. 

“He likes chilis,” you’ve been quiet for almost fifteen minutes, working quietly and diligently to water your crops, check your crab traps, and collect the produce from your farm animals. Now, you’re in your greenhouse, plucking chilis from the vines so you can gift them to Shane, “it’s why I have literally hundreds, I never want to run out for my sad chicken man,” and as if anyone was doubting your claim, you open your inventory to reveal, among other things, a stack of four hundred normal-quality chilis, and several hundred gold and silver starred chilis right beside them. Point well proven. 

“I would like to collect four-hundred chilis for a real person,” you’re not even fully aware of what you’re saying, speaking without even registering the words as they come out of your mouth, “but unfortunately we are in a pandemic and I don’t know what I would collect for...” and you trail off, suddenly coming back into your mind, closing your mouth as a frown creased your brow. Catching yourself before you admitted your feelings, you think that perhaps you have to turn your mind off a little less, lest something slip out that you don’t want the whole world to be aware of. As it currently is, your chat is yelling at you, asking who’s name you were about to say, but you change topics quickly, ignoring their invasive questions for the time being.

Tomorrow, ‘four-hundred chilis’ would be the new, hot meme in your fandom, it will mean love, it will mean forbidden romance, it will mean a relationship kept secret, but for now you’re quiet, humming along to your music, watering your crops. 

But still, you can’t deny the fact that it’s gotten you thinking; gift giving was one of your love languages, but you have no idea what you’d get Corpse if -

If.

You’re thinking too far ahead.

You’re starting to think outside of the hypotheticals. 

Fuck. 

You try to tell your foolish heart to calm down, but it doesn’t seem to want to listen, and now that the fandom has started to connect the dots - you mentioning your upcoming Hanahaki Season, the fact that you’d heavily implied that there’s someone you’d like to ‘collect four-hundred chilis for’ - they won’t let you forget that they know. Part of the fandom is very vocal about how it’s invasive to try and figure out who you have feelings for, but there’s still a few that try and persist, nosy and desperate for information. 

When someone brings it up in another one of your Stardew Valley streams, you laugh it off, playing coy, telling them that it could very well be a cute mailman for all the fandom knew. While that did dissuade most of them, the few painfully persistent ones kept at it, albeit much quieter than they had been before. It’s a step in the right direction, but not a big one.

Meanwhile, you’re still talking to Corpse almost every day, through Twitter and Instagram DMs and the occasional Discord message, and by now you’re friendship is truly solid. He’s still calling you Sweets, despite knowing your actual name, though it’s more a pet name than anything else at this stage, and it’s not like you want him to stop.

He messages you once, a few months into your friendship, without warning, halfway through a Stardew Valley stream.

[just wanted to see your reaction live]

It takes a few moments. You read it, then read it again. Surprise blooms across your face as you’re looking at your phone, live, in front of your audience, and apparently Corpse. Quickly, you pause the game, and look directly into the camera, schooling your expression into something that at least looks less flustered than you feel.

“That’s how you tell me you’re watching my stream?” You ask out loud, addressing him without saying as much, much to the confusion of chat. Somehow, you know he’s probably laughing. 

[its relaxing as fuck 😂 but i feel like i know too much about a game ive never played]

“Hey, sorry guys,” you say, smiling sweetly into the camera, trying to preserve your composure with you phone held tight in your grip, “a thing has come up, just give me a few minutes and I’ll be back.” And with that, you mute your mic, turning up the low-fi playlist that had been running in the background so you could leave the stream running and move out of frame.

Part of you really wants to scream in frustration. How is he so oblivious to the effect his words have on you?

[dude how long have you been watching? and more importantly WHY]

[i watch a lot of streams when im editing]

[yours are chill as hell tho, like asmr or smth]

[good background noise]

[why’d you message mid stream??]

[idk im taking a break from editing just been watching u fish for eels]

[you’re a menace]

[i can turn it off if you want, p sure ze and chilled are also live]

[they’re rowdy tho. its why im watching u]

[i just can’t believe u messaged mid stream 😂😂😂]

[sorry sweets 😂🖤]

After taking a deep breath, you feel like you can return to your stream. The moment you’re back he sends into chat ‘hey sweets. hey sweets chat’. Neither your name, nor your channel name, is anything close to Sweets, but something about him sticking by the habit, by the pet name, warms your heart. Not that anyone’s allowed to know that.

[if you wanna chill in my stream, feel free 😘]

[if u ever play the game i will happily come to ur farm and water your crops and silently judge your plant choices]

[you’re too kind haha. i might consider it]

“Corpse Husband,” in a tone that implies that you’re addressing him by his full name, yet still somehow as sweet and kind as you’ve ever been, as his name pops up on your screen, along with the little animation for new subscribers, “you are a menace.” You tell him, almost comically deadpan, though right before you sit back, you stop holding back your little smile as the rest of the chat is losing it’s collective mind.

The first fanfic appears on tumblr two days later.

Menace (Corpse_Husband x Y/N)

No matter how intrigued you are, you tell yourself you’re not going to read it. Something about it feels like an invasion of privacy, like someone else has picked up on your feelings and is doing their best to craft a fantasy for you, without them even realising. It feels too... personal, to see how someone interprets your relationship with the person you’re actually harboring secret feelings for.

Except this isn’t the first time you’ve had fics written about yourself and your friends; you and Ethan had been collabing closely in person for about six months, a year ago when you’d first moved to LA. It had been out of necessity, for lack of a better word, since you’d been crashing on his sofa for a chunk of that time while looking for an apartment of your own, and, at least at first, he had been only person you actually knew in LA. So your friendship had been very close, in fact it still is, and it had been the source of a bunch of edit-based Instagram profiles, fanfics, and YouTube edits. You found them endearing more than anything else, even though you and Ethan thought of each other more as siblings rather than anything romantic. Yes, you’d read and watched and consumed the fan content for you and Ethan; there was something enjoyable about seeing how other people interpreted your friendship from the fleeting glimpses of it that they had been given. Both of you were secure enough in your friendship that you would even share your favourites with each other privately.

But with Corpse, it feels.... too real. 

Too much like wish fulfillment that you hadn’t earned.

But you’re still streaming with him, and a rotating cast of others, about once a week, despite your feelings, despite your Season looming ever closer.

The messages pop up halfway through a game where you’d been Imposter, following Corpse as an alibi, marinating him. You try to act like you hadn’t seen it, but the knowledge of him apparently using a somehow more endearing pet name for you, without you even hearing, is already burned into your brain. Suddenly it feels like you’re too close in the game, like you can’t stay there knowing what you know, what you think you know, so you run. The reactor emergency is set off as you enter Medbay, and you swiftly kill Rae on the scanner, then proceeding to vent to security to help out with the emergency before the body is found.

[HELLO HI IM HERE FROM CORPSE’S STREAM]

[HE CALLED YOU SWEET PEA]

And when a different body is found, you keep your mouth shut about what you’d read in chat, but vouch for Corpse as he vouches for you.

And you keep your mouth shut about it when the round is over, you win, and he asks how you could betray him. Someone else accuses him of having a soft spot for you, so of course you’d trust him to help you with your alibi. Chat is spamming ‘SWEET PEA’. He doesn’t say anything about it either, so you’re not quite sure if it’s true; you keep it to yourself just incase.

And when he uploads his highlights of the stream, you watch the whole thing through, only to see both of you walk into Admin like you so clearly remember, seeing yourself hover by the wiring while he goes to card swipe. Then you hear ‘I think she’s good; if she wanted to kill me, she probably would have, this has been a long round’ followed by a deep breath, and you think it’s over as he fails the card swipe once, that the chat had been teasing you, but then; ‘okay, Sweet Pea, I’m really trusting you here’. The gentle laugh he follows it with as he fails the tasks a few more times, has your mind reeling. His tone had been so trusting, so sincere, the nickname - Sweet Pea! - sounding so natural. You can feel your heart beat in your throat.

And in a few days you wake up gasping and coughing and spluttering, petals blooming in your throat, escaping your lips, vibrant and purple against your bedspread as a strange sense of embarrassment sits heavy in your chest.

You don’t even know his first name.

It’s so stupid. 

“You’ll have to forgive my rough voice and occasional cough, I promise it’s not COVID, I just started my Season yesterday,” you admit at the start of a Super Mario 64 stream the following day, choosing the game for primarily nostalgic, comfort reasons. Chat is spamming chili emojis, dedicated in their quest to never let you forget how you’d almost outed yourself. In return, all you can do is give a faint, pained smile; it feels a little like adding insult to injury, but you know they don’t mean it maliciously.

Now your name’s splattered across blogs that keep track of public figures’ Seasons; it’s like all the requests you’ve made over the past few months about not speculating, about leaving well enough alone, have been forgotten. The comments of your videos, of your streams, of any posts you make, are flooded with questions and speculation, and you’re so tired.

It’s not something you’ve ever wanted to discuss on your channel, it hadn’t ever been relevant before, but you’ve spent years discussing the ethics of confessing during your Season, seeing as you’ve always found it to be a tricky grey area; on the one hand, there’s the lucky ones, whose feelings are returned, and the Season ends early. On the other, however, telling people that they’re in-part responsible for your discomfort, letting them sit with the weight of your confession if they don’t return your feelings, it feels cruel. So you’d long ago, before meeting Corpse, even before your last Season in high school, that you’d rather keep quiet about who it’s about, wait it out until your Season is over, and maybe, maybe, bring it up after. But mostly you just hoped your feelings would fade, to spare yourself the possible embarrassment. Perhaps by next year, you’ll be doing something completely different, with a whole new group of friends, and this will just be a fond memory. Was it cruel to hope that? All you wanted was the least pain and embarrassment for everyone involved. 

Corpse messages you before the next Among Us stream asking if you’re feeling up to it, and you remember too late that he may have witnessed you hacking up little, dark purple flowers on your livestream. The flowers are always different, depending on the person, but this time around they’ve left you confused. Last time had been yellow roses, since you’d been in love with your best friend, but little purple flowers? Beyond a vague association of dark colors with his aesthetic, you’re not sure what relation they have. You try not to think about it. 

You tell him you’re fine, as long as the group doesn’t mind you being muted more than usual, so they don’t hear you coughing. 

Everyone in the stream is sympathetic to you when you explain your situation, and thankfully they don’t ask any questions beyond if you’re okay. You tell them you’re as well as can be expected

Someone in your chat posts the Unus Annus ‘this is what you get for having feelings’ meme right as the round begins and you start laughing so hard you start coughing, and miss the entire first round, doubled over a wastepaper basket.

“2sweet, you doing an AFK-strat?” Charlie asks the minute the body is reported. Reaching over blindly, you unmute yourself while still coughing, and once he makes a noise of comprehension, you mute again, listening to them arguing about the body found in Electrical. 

“Okay, I’m back,” your voice is rough after you take a long drink of water, “who - oh Lily, sorry.” You see that it had been Lily who had been killed, and everyone else had voted to skip, and you follow suit, back in the game at last. 

You’re killed quickly after that, and attempt to do your tasks, but the Imposters end up talking circles around everyone else, getting innocent people voted out with ease, getting a pretty clean win, and then you’re all back in the lobby.

“Can I ask what kind of flowers they are?” Lily asks, voice sweet and earnest, “if that’s too personal that’s okay, I just think it’s interesting, you know?” And you hesitate for a moment, but decide that there isn’t exactly anything you know of that could be a tell for the object of your affection. You’re gonna go out on a limb and assume that the others don’t have the depth of knowledge about flowers that would mean they could identify a flower from a rough, oral description and nothing else. Hopefully. 

“They’re uh, they’re purple,” you say finally, “they’re not lilies,” you add as a joking aside, and she plays at being disheartened, but laughs after a beat, “but they’re like, little and purple, dark as hell, but with white near the base of the petal? I don’t know what type, I should look into it,” you muse, before continuing, “last time I had these big, irritating, yellow rose petals, because I had feelings for my best friend; these are much more manageable.” Despite your laugh, you couldn’t help the self conscious feeling from suddenly settling in your chest, like you’d already said too much. 

When your turn as Imposter comes around, you try to hold in your coughing as much as possible during the round itself, keeping your mouth closed and eyes focused as you moved around the map and tactically killed your friends alongside Sykkuno, only bending over to spit out the petal buildup once a body had been found or a meeting had been called. It’s taking a lot of effort for you to keep your mind focused on the game, but something about it must work, since the two of you end up winning, despite Sykkuno being tossed out into the sky on the second last round.

“Can I just say,” Sean begins when you’re all back in the lobby, “and I mean with with the utmost kindness and affection, and Y/N, you know I love you like a friend, like a sister, like a -”

“This is a lot of buildup, why do I feel like I’m about to get roasted?” You smirk, to which a few others laugh.

“All I’m saying, is that you play this game with us, and with- with Ze and his crew, right? So twice a week?” And you confirm as much, confused, “I play, and I know several others of us here play, what some might consider ‘too much’,” but his tone is joking and kind, “and yet you waltz in here, with only, what - let me do a little math here -” he muttered, before announcing loudly, “with about twenty four streams, and you’re literally hacking up lungfuls of flowers as we speak, and yet you’re still a little whiz at this.”

“It’s called talent, Sean,” Corpse comes to your defense without missing a beat, and Sean’s right back in after him.

“It’s called witchcraft, you bloody simp!”

Yet again, you find yourself laughing so hard you’re coughing up another set of petals for everyone to hear - this is the worst it’s been all Season, you find yourself musing. When you come back to reality, to the stream Sean is apologising, while almost everyone else is reprimanding him for setting you off coughing again, though Corpse himself is thankfully laughing too.

“My chat keeps sending me the Mark and Ethan meme, the ‘this is what you get for having feelings’,” you tell them, voice rough but amused, and that’s enough to get everyone off of Sean’s back, knowing, at least, that you could laugh about the situation, rather than be pained by it. You don’t think you need to mention the sporadic chili emojis that also populated your chat, most of them wouldn’t understand.

After the stream ends, you’re surprised, however, to get a message on Discord from Corpse.

Your fingers fly across the keyboard, writing the words that had formed in your mind before you’d actually had time to think about them, only realising what you’ve said once you’ve sent it , once you’ve seen he’s read it. Panic builds in your chest for all of the two minutes it takes him to respond with several smiling emojis. All you want is to not draw attention to it, for him to think you’re too invested in this friendship, which you think you are, but you don’t want him to know that. So you ask what time works for him.

[you said if i downloaded the farm game you’d help]

[and also judge me but im ignoring that part for now]

[but my farm looks like shit and my tools are garbage. can’t even break a big log]

[how long have you been playing?]

[not long? im in the first week i think?]

[how does yours look so nice?]

[ive been playing for five years, and this farm specifically has over a hundred hours put into it]

[yeah that would be the difference 😂]

[you doing anything tomorrow? care to help me out?]

[if youre not up for it thats totally cool]

[i always love spending time w you so i think i should be up for it 😊]

The following day, you find yourself in front of your computer, setting up your impromptu stream, tweeting out about it, mentioning Corpse would be attending as a special guest, as the two of you had discussed. In comfortable pajamas, blanket wrapped around your shoulders like a cape, and no makeup, it’s far from your usual efforts for stream, but you were going through some stuff right now, so you didn’t care about being dressed down. Greeting early birds, you’re doing a little routine maintenance on your own farm before Corpse joins.

The two of you sit in the game’s menu to discuss how to go about it, before Corpse announces that he holds no love for his shitty, little seven day farm, and is more than happy to just start a completely new co-op world. He hosts, and you’re quick to join, excited at the prospect; it’s been a while since you’d started a new farm. 

It’s nice, to have his voice in your ear as you work through the familiar routine of cleaning up the farm, so comforting and relaxing to be able to just talk with him that you almost forget that you’re live while you’re chattering away, talking through the tasks, accidentally going on tangents, before remembering to tell him about what the game has to offer. He seems more than happy to just listen to you ramble, and tells you there’s no need to apologise, that if he had something to say, he’d say it, when you mutter about how you think you’ve been talking for too long. There’s a smile in his voice as he reassures you, and you spit out a few petals, hoping that you look like you’re focusing on the game, and not that you’re thinking about how kind he is to you.

“We don’t have that whole sprinkler situation you had set up in your other game, what do we -” he asks at one point, presumably looking through all his different menus for something that may resemble the high-level iridium sprinklers you had everywhere on your main farm.

“We have to level up in farming to build sprinklers, for now we just water the crops ourselves every morning -”

“Every morning? Weren’t you talking about three hundred things of wheat? You don’t water three hundred things of wheat yourself, do you?” He seems baffled at the prospect, which has you lightly coughing where you had meant to laugh, and you inform him that yes in fact you had watered three hundred things of wheat each morning in several of your playthroughs.

“Do you think that’s maybe too many things of wheat?” He asked, tone trying to be skeptical but just sounding more amusement, and you snort a laugh, petal going up your nose in the process.

“I think it’s the perfect amount of wheat,” you countered, “excuse me a minute,” and you mute your microphone, ducking out of frame to grossly blow the petal into the bin.

“You okay, Sweets?” 

“Petal up my nose,” you responded flatly when you’re back, “I’d rather have a bad cold for three months.” And he goes strangely quiet in response, before softly, albeit a little awkwardly, apologising for your discomfort, despite him not needing to at all. Of course your instinctual response is to brush it off with a ‘it’s not your fault’ except that kind of feels like lying, so instead, you go with, “it is what it is,” and quickly move on to telling him that you’re more than happy to water the wheat if he doesn’t want to.

“This farm isn’t a dictatorship, I’ll help water the wheat,” he offers, keeping up as the mood shifts back to something light, a smile in his words.

About a week later, you post about how you’d like help finally identifying your flowers, but that you’d rather do it in DMs. Most people were more than understanding; identifying Hanahaki flowers can be very personal, and you found yourself with an influx of messages, overwhelmed, until you spotted one from an actual florist offering to help. You send a photo, and it takes less than five minutes to get a response.

[listen, I could be wrong, but I’m pretty sure you’re coughing up Sweet Peas. colouring that dark isn’t super common, but yeah.]

Immediately, you’re googling, hoping that that isn’t true, that it’s been mis-identified, but no, the abundance of images on Google of Sweet Peas all seem to look like the petals in your waste paper basket. 

You feel like you’re going to lose your mind. Also you officially realise that the rest of the world is never allowed to know; you’re coughing up a dead giveaway. For the moment, you’re allowing yourself to be petty, wishing the universe could have given you a more subtle flower this time around.

Right after that, however, you post on Twitter that you’re taking a few days off from streaming for personal reasons, and immediately follow it up by texting Ethan.

Though you and Ethan don’t hang out in person as much as you once did, that’s more due to how busy his schedule had gotten, rather than the two of you growing apart, for in reality, you still considered him one of your best friends. You’d always be grateful to him for letting you crash on his sofa for a those few months, and despite how your content has branched out from one another’s in parts, there was no-one who understood what you were going through quite as well. 

[eef im having feelings and im sad abt them]

[having an active season in quarantine fuckin sucks]

[wanna come over and hang out?]

[ur too good to me]

So you drive to his apartment, still in your pajamas with a blanket wrapped around you. When he greets you at the door, he he wraps you up in a hug without question. He’s assuring you that you’re going to be okay, and asks you if you want any food or drink; you decline, just glad to be here, glad to flop on the sofa, glad for his company.

“Did anything happen between you and that cute barista?” You asked, face half-mashed into a cushion where you’d curled up on the sofa, mentioning the woman who had been the reason for Ethan’s own active Hanahaki Season earlier in the year. In response, he heaved a sigh, moving your legs so he could sit by you on the sofa, but moving them back across his lap once he’d settled in his seat, brow furrowed.

“I haven’t been to that Starbucks since lockdown, it’s like an hour away and I don’t wanna risk anything just to get a glimpse of a girl I barely know, you know?” He pointed out, picking up the TV remote from where it had been wedged between you and the sofa, “but what about you; you wanna tell me what this is all about?” He asked. As you start coughing, he reaching down beside the sofa with his free hand to pick up and offer you a little bin. He puts on The Good Place while you’re still coughing, curled on your side, head hanging over the edge of the sofa; he’s not rushing you for an answer. 

“It’s stupid,” you mutter finally, face still in the bin, though he can hear your pout without needing to see it.

“Stupider than a cute barista I only saw once a week for three months whose name is escaping me right now?”

“Much,” you told him, dejected, though it seemed to intrigue him, “at least you know what she looks like, at least you knew her actual name at one point.” At this, he shifts how he’s sitting, turning to face you fully with one foot tucked beneath his thigh. Finally you look to him, twisting awkwardly so he could see your full, dejected expression, legs still in his lap. Judging by his expression, he seems to have already figured most of it out, but you can’t help putting the final nail in the coffin; “I’m coughing up fucking Sweet Peas, Eef.”

That’s all the confirmation he needs, wiggling so he can wrap you in the least awkward hug possible, without you needing to sit up that is. If he finds your dramatics a touch amusing, you don’t mind, he’s put up with you long enough that he’s earned that right. 

“I don’t blame you, dude,” he mutters from where his face is pressed against your shoulder, “Corpse’s voice is out of this world; if he was as nice to me as he is to you, I would be in love with him too,” he assures, and you groan in frustration, but appreciate the comfort nonetheless. The two of you binge through half a season of The Good Place before switching to Disney+ to watch Ant-Man with the pizza you get delivered for dinner. 

You take a photo of Ethan with a mouthful of pizza, smiling so wide it’s unflattering but full of joy, and you show it to him, asking if you can post it on your Instagram story, to which he agrees. It’s captioned ‘get u a bes fren whose house doubles as a hanahaki recovery center’. It’s followed by a video you take immediately after, of Ethan looking directly into the camera that is slowly zooming in on him as he whispers ‘this is what you get for having feelings’.

Then, an unflattering selfie of yourself, captioned ‘the flowers are a pain but its the yearning that’s messing me up tbh’. 

Then, an even closer selfie, ‘am i allowed to talk abt this??’, immediately followed by a blurry selfie of you pulling a face like you’re shouting; ‘its not eef!! thas my bes fren boi!! no romo!! stop askin me!!’. 

Then, a black screen; ‘im in my feelings tonight sorry lmfao. coughing up flowers as a constant reminder will do that to you. feelings are gross. like i don’t regret them, but i just dont want to be a pain to the person who they’re directed at, you know? im in my feelings :/ ‘.

The final video is taken by Ethan, and is of you holding his phone and facetiming Mark, who hollers ‘this is what you get for having feelings’ across the line, as both you and Ethan cackle with laughter. 

At his insistence, you spend the night on Ethan’s sofa, which you’re quietly glad about; you hadn’t realised how much you’d needed this familiar comfort until you’re lying in the dark living room and it feels like your second home. The following morning, the two of you swing past your apartment to pick up a change of clothes after you’re invited you to hang out at Mark and Amy’s while they’re filming a few Unus Annus videos for the next few days. 

Last night, you had put your phone on airplane mode after posting to your Instagram story, and the moment you take it off, sitting at Mark and Amy’s kitchen island, your phone starts buzzing for what feels like a full minute, going off with responses and messages on every and any social media platform you were a part of.

But there only one you really cared about. He’d liked your Tweet. He’d seen your full Instagram story. He’d messaged you on Discord.

You message Corpse back, telling him that you’re fine, and it only takes him a few moments to message back a thumbs up. 

[you okay?]

[sweets]

[seriously]

[you alright?]

It says that he’s typing for a very long time before he responds with a very short sentence.

[sorry to worry you]

[thought for a moment that you’d fucked off to live as a hermit in some european mountains]

[then i remembered they wouldn’t let you in over there]

[once again my plans are foiled by covid]

[you okay otherwise?]

“Are you messaging him?” Ethan calls out from the backyard, startling you out of your texts, your thoughts. Looking up, through the open kitchen windows, only to see Ethan squinting rather dramatically at you, and Mark standing a few feet behind him, head cocked to the side in confusion. Honestly, you’re a little confused too, but to how he knew, “we can see you spitting up petals and grinning,” Ethan, however, seemed to anticipate what you’d been wondering, and Mark makes a sudden noise of understanding, going back to whatever they’d been fucking with before Ethan had decided to call you out. When you look down at the counter you see a small pile of delicate, purple petals that you hadn’t even realised had been fluttering from your lips out with each breath. Damn. 

[woke up with a cold]

[if there’s a low register that human ears can’t hear, i think my voice is gonna get there]

“Go back to carpe-ing the diem!” You call back, to which Mark beams, giving an enthusiastic thumbs up, and Ethan shakes his head with fond exasperation. 

When filming is done for the day, you help out with cooking dinner for the four of you, and Ethan drives you both back to his place.

“Listen, you’re more than welcome to go home if you like, and you know we’ve loved having you at the Ethan Hanahaki Recovery Facility, but,” he paused, “if you wanna stay, you’re also more than welcome to do that too. I’ve missed the hell out of you, and you know my sofa is always open.” He paused for a moment, giving you a slight frown, which you mirror, confused at his sudden concern, “and dude, you know I love you and your dedication to your work, but I also think you’ve been in self-imposed isolation for possibly too long.” 

He wasn’t wrong; thinking back, you realise that this might be the first time you’d left your house in the past month. At this point you were getting all your groceries delivered and focusing on your stream and upload routine, mainly getting your steps up around your apartment while you waited for videos to render.

“One more night,” you agreed softly, taking his words to heart, thankful for his company. Once back inside, he does mention that he had been planning to stream for a few hours, but is quick to assure that you’re more than welcome to join, or just hang out on the sofa and watch TV if you’d rather just relax. Instead, you ask if, you could not play, but still provide commentary from beside him. It’s doable, it means you don’t have to focus on actually playing while trying to hold in your coughs, and it means you’ll get to spend time together, which is always a bonus. 

You’re half-draped on Ethan to fit into the face cam box, even though he widened it as much as possible. With your chin on on his shoulder, you find yourself leaning heavily against the left arm of his chair, eyes trained on the screen, watching intently. Since you’re not playing, you’re able to keep track of everyone’s movements as they pass, feeling as though you’ve got several players’ voices in the back of your mind, Charlie and Ze and Chilled, all chiming in with theories to consider as you watch other players dart around while Ethan works on tasks. 

“Ross is sus,” you mutter quietly to Ethan as the game is still going, “he was still doing card swipe when we left from Admin, through to Storage on the way to Lower Engine, but then he comes out of Electrical ahead of us? He had to have vented in there. Check for a body,” you direct, expression uncharacteristically serious and alert, and Ethan, unused to, but respecting your laser-focus, follows your instruction, doubling back to look in Electrical, sure enough, finding a body. 

As soon as Ethan relays everything you’d pointed out to him, Ross huffs a defeated sigh.

“I don’t like that you’ve got a second pair of eyes on your team,” but it’s clear he’s not truly upset, more upset that he was caught out so clearly.

“Not even gonna defend yourself?” Dan snickers.

“He’s got a fuckin’ one-thousand IQ lobby regular actually watching what’s happening for him, and I’m a little pea-brained idiot, used to playing with other pea-brained idiots;” he laughed, and more than a few of the others snorted in self deprecating agreement. Clearly Ross wasn’t actually taking issue with the situation, “I did it, okay? And she definitely caught me, without even seeing me slit Arin’s throat.” And he proceeded to vote for himself.

“That’s my girl,” Sean sounded like he was beaming with pride, “Charlie would be so proud.”

“Just watch; next time we play I’ll be in Security reading the logs better than Charlie, and he’ll either try and fight me for superiority, or bust a nut right there on stream,” you snorted, to which Ethan’s eyes widened, unused to such directly vulgar implications coming from you, a blush rising on his cheeks.

“Can I ban you from ever playing with them again?” Ethan’s tone is scandalised, much to Sean’s amusement.

“Not a fan of hearing about Greaseball nuts?” You smirked in response, and Ethan choked out a laugh, asking Sean who was responsible.

“Blame Charlie,” Sean offered without missing a beat, before conceding, backpedaling a little, “and probably me and Corpse,” he says with a self-deprecating laugh, and Ethan’s eyebrows raise somehow even higher at that, right as you move away to cough up a few petals.

“I fully intend to! Y/N in my ear talking about Greaseball nuts, never thought I’d see the day -” he’s muttering over Sean’s pleased cackling, even as Ross is ejected into space. You sit back, half out of shot and catching your breath, holding the little bin in your lap, frowning at Ethan.

“You waxed Marks pubes and have drunk your own piss, what is so bad about-?”

“I know, I know, it’s just... it’s you, Y/N,” is Ethan’s only defense, focusing back on the game as he heads to Lower Engine to refuel the ship, “you’re like a soft bunny rabbit -”

“I crashed on your sofa for too long last year for you to say that like you genuinely believe that,” that gets him to shut up, turning pink around the ears. Nothing scandalous had happened between you in the time you’d lived together, but living with someone did tend to expose their less personable traits. In the silence that followed, you relax back against him after making sure he was okay with it, that he wasn’t weirded out, and he gives you a fond glance, assure you that it was fine.

“All I’m saying is that I’m not used to you, like, publicly saying risky stuff. Like I know you, but hearing you talk all banter-y about- about Charlie’s nuts,” he stumbles over his words, like he was surprised he was even saying them, “was like seeing a woman’s ankle back in, like, Victorian times; felt like I should be clutching pearls or something,” he laughs, and you hum in understanding, resting your head against his as best you could while you were both wearing bulky headphones. 

An hour into the stream, you take off your headphones, simply resting your head against his shoulder, writing down your thoughts on the game instead of saying them out loud, since you couldn’t hear anyone’s response, but your eyes are growing heavier as the each moment passes. You’re not sure when you fall asleep against him, but when he gently jostles you awake and tells you it’s time for you to go to bed, the team in-game is waiting patiently, running around the lobby. He helps you up, walks you out to the sofa, and petting your head gently as you curled up with the blanket you’d brought from home before he goes back to the remainder of the stream. 

By the following afternoon, you’re home. The morning had consisted of making a pretty solid breakfast for Ethan as a thank you before the two of you parted ways, Ethan heading off to Mark’s to keep filming, and you heading back to your apartment. The drive home is short, you do a face mask and have a shower, and graze on some snacks in favour of an actual lunch before you decide to message Corpse. No matter how much time you spend questioning what in the world had possessed you to reach out, you can never quite figure out the answer beyond some indescribable, masochistic yearning.

It comes of far sketchier than you’d intended, but unfortunately the message is sent by the time you realise this. At least he’s quick to answer, to agree, with no comments about your final message, thank God.

[how’s your cold]

[persistent and irritating]

[you up for playing something?]

[im not up for streaming anything, kinda just wanna lay low for a few more days]

[yeah understandable]

[still, you wanna hang out and play something?]

[noone else has to know]

When the call connects, he’s yawning down the line, giving a quick apology after he clears his throat, voice lower and rougher and sleepier than you think you’ve ever heard it. 

“Farm work?” He sounds tired, and you shrug before realising he can’t see it, quickly filling in that you don’t mind, happy to play whatever. Honestly if he’d just rather watch something and have company you’d be cool with that too. You hadn’t considered how much you’d missed hearing his voice until he’s humming with consideration, though even the thought is enough to trigger a coughing fit in you, muting your mic so he doesn’t hear most of it. 

“Sweets, you okay?” He asks, all kinds of concern in his voice, and you mutter to yourself about how he’s probably going to be the death of you before unmuting. 

“I’m about as okay as can be expected,” you say, far more candid than he’s probably used to you being, but he takes it in stride.

“Yeah, I feel that,” and it’s his turn to mute himself and cough for a few minutes. In the meantime, you open up a new browser tab to look through what shows and movies seem interesting on Netflix.

“Hey, actually, I’m kinda working on this song and I’m just in the middle of editing it -” he comes back, sounding actually a little sheepish.

“Oh,” your stomach sinks but you hope he can’t hear it in your voice, “if you wanna go and do that instead -”

“No, I mean, it’s just the minutiae at this stage, little edits, I can do them while you’re on the line that’s not an issue, just if you wanted to do something else, but keep hanging out, honestly I could use the company,” he admits, and you can feel your heart swell in your chest as you agree, asking if he’d be okay with you cleaning up the farm and starting to set things up without him, “you’re the expert,” you can hear his smile - and you’re coughing up petals again. It’s relentless. If he could stop making your heart race from the simplest kind words, that would be great. 

He’s humming as he works, the same few seconds over and over again you’re pretty sure, concentrating, and it’s nice background noise for you to be planting crops too. You’re not quite sure how long the call’s been going on for, but it’s not a short amount of time, when you finally work up the courage to ask what it’s about. He is very hesitant to answer. 

“I’ve been working on it for a while now with a friend of mine, Savage Gasp, but like, the s in Gasp is like a dollar sign,” he’s explaining as a way to put off actually telling you about the song. You keep quiet, giving him time to work up to telling you about the song itself, “I can send some through to you to listen to if you want, just a bit, it’s not done yet.”

“I’d love to hear it!” You’re quick to answer, and he goes quiet again, though you can hear him frantically typing. 

“I feel like I’m about to show, like a nun or something,” he mutters with a surprising touch of self consciousness, followed by a small cough. Unfortunately, however, you’re more than a little tired of everyone thinking you’re a prude, or a nun. 

“I’m not going to be offended,” you tell him, trying to keep the sudden irritation out of your voice, “I’m not some pearl-clutching Victorian woman,” you mutter, Ethan’s words fresh in your mind too. Corpse does try to backtrack, tries to say that’s not what he meant, that he’s just got this idea of you stuck in his head from when he first met you and that it’s hard to shake that -

“I went to college,” you tell him flatly, “had the full college experience too, and all the less than sweet things that implies,” He’s very quiet at that, “is it because you’ve never heard me swear? That’s a choice, I can swear, I used to swear a lot; fuck, Corpse;” you give a breathless laugh, not quite believing the words tumbling from your mouth, “fuck; is that better?” You tone is final, but for the barest moment you’re terrified that you’ve scared him off, which is baffling considering who he is, but the fear lingers, that he prefers the idea of you that he’d had in his mind, and with each word you’re straying from her. Instead, he mutters something under his breath that sounds amused, but that you don’t catch, right before he mutes himself, you assume to cough.

“I don’t think you’re a prude, Sweets,” despite the roughness of his voice, you can hear the notes of fondness in it. You slowly, quietly, let out a breath that you hadn’t realised you’d been holding, “but I think why I’m, like, hesitant and shit, when you hear it, okay? I don’t know what you’re tastes are like, but just...” He trails off, not quite sure how to finish that sentence, and you the thought hits you, ‘oh, he’s nervous’; it’s more endearing than you had thought it would be. Moments later, you get an audio file sent over Discord.

E-GIRLS ARE RUINING MY LIFE.mp4

You click play.

Nothing in the world could have prepared your for the visceral, unholy feelings that passed through your body as the song, his voice, those lyrics, filled your ears. You let out an audible gasp, only to smack your hand to your mouth. When the clip he’d sent ends, you press play again immediately, heartbeat embarrassingly erratic in your chest.

“You okay there?” He finally asks, voice almost lost amongst the music. You give a muffled noise of affirmation from behind your hand, nervous as to what noise would come out if you took your hand away. The clip ends, and you resist the urge to play it again.

“Sorry, just had to listen to it twice,” you say with a breathless little laugh, surprised and dazed and how in the fuck were you meant to deal with this. You’re pretty sure you should tell him it’s good and hang up, to save yourself from potential embarrassment, “it’s... fuck dude,” the words fall gracefully from your lips as you rest your chin in in your hand, still trying to process, “that’s cool as hell.” And you’re far too aware that you probably sound all dazed and dreamy, barely registering the faint coughs that had been steadily covering your keyboard with rich, purple flowers. What reaction he could be hoping for with that? From you? You hope the one you’re currently providing will suffice. Pressing play again, you ignore the voice in the back of your mind urging you to end the conversation, instead letting your eyes glaze over.

“Sorry, I’m listening to it again,” you explain your silence midway through listening to the clip, and you hear his faint laugh just beneath the music. When you resurface, the words in your strangely awe-fogged mind tumble from your lips before you can even think about stopping them; “I think I’m jealous of the girls who get to know you IRL - e-girls -” you correct yourself quickly with a snort, “after hearing that.”

“Fucking hell, Sweets,” there’s something in his tone that you can’t quite place, something raw and strangely familiar, amid the amusement and pride, “you can’t just say shit like that!” 

“And you can’t just send me something like that with no warning!” You’ve given up all pretense of hanging up, grinning from ear to ear, “how was I meant to react?”

“I don’t know!” He’s laughing now, surprisingly sounding a little flustered, like he wasn’t the one who had just sent you a song about incredibly rough and kinky sex, “I didn’t- I didn’t expect you to fucking relate,” he splutters, and you rolls your eyes, you can’t help yourself.

“Dude, I wish I related, believe me, no-one in college knows how to choke half as well as that song implies,” you dismissed with a smirk; perhaps part of you was trying to disprove his earlier nun comment, but he didn’t seem to be particularly unhappy about learning these things about you. He does, however, mutter that you’re killing him, while sounding both like he was wearing the biggest grin in the world, and like he’s covering his face with his hands. 

And then he’s muted himself, and you take the moment to do the same, sweeping up the considerable pile of petals that had managed to make it’s way from your mouth without you really realising. Putting the petals in the bin, you take a good few moments to cough, trying to dislodge a few that had been stuck and irritating the back of your throat. 

“Wait, this might- like, this might be a weird question, but I have to ask, you know?” He’s back in your ears, and there’s a sudden nervousness in your stomach, “were you being forreal when you said you were jealous?” He’s laughing a little, like he’s ready to play it off as a joke at any minute; you hesitate.

“Not if it’s weird,” you hear yourself say, and something’s starting to make sense in the back of your mind, but you’re not quite sure what. He does not seem deterred by your answer, which kind of surprised you.

“Okay, another super weird question, but bare with me, your flowers, the little purple ones, could you send me a photo?” 

Before you even pick up your phone to take a photo, you act on instinct, on a hunch that had formed only moments ago, finally starting to make sense of the dots connecting in your mind.

“Counter weird question, and if I’m reading this right, you’ll know what I mean,” you prefaced, stomach twisting into knots are you psyched yourself up, “did you call me Sweet Pea on a stream a while ago?” And when you ask, he’s dead silent. You swallow your pride, fully ready to be told you’re reading this wrong, to be let down, but still choosing to go all in on this hunch, letting the words spill from you unrehearsed; “because those little purple flowers I’ve been coughing up for the past month are Sweet Peas, if you get what I’m trying to say here.” 

The moments that follow feel like the longest of your life, convinced that you’ve completely misread the situation -

“Sweets, I’ve been into you for months,” he confirms frankly, though you’re pretty sure you can hear him smirking. Internally, you are screaming. 

“Oh fuck,” the words come out breathless and hopeful and disbelieving, “for real?” Voice soft, you can’t quite believe this is happening, that this is real; he confirms with one word, laughing faintly, “this is not how I thought this conversation would be going,” you admit, dazed and pleased and elated all at once, “where do we go from here?”

The high that that conversation, that confirmation, gave you is something you’ll be riding for at least a full week, you think, waking up the next morning with a grin as you recall the previous day’s events, not a hint of a petal in sight. The smile doesn’t leave your face while you’re editing through the morning, or when you start streaming Borderlands 3, fully intending on trying to get through the Shatterdome on Mayhem Difficulty 2 in one sitting. 

Someone asks how you’re feeling, noting how happy you seem, and you can’t quite answer, all that leaves you is a little giggle, an actual giggle, and you tell them you’ve never been better.

[SHE FOUND SOMEONE TO GIVE 400 CHILIS TO]

Someone else posted that in the chat. You ducked your head, if only to hide your embarrassed, elated smile, which served as confirmation enough in your current state. In the next moment, a Discord notification to pop up;

They’re calling your mystery person ‘chili boy’, and there’s a strange sense of contentment that settles in your chest as you read through the supportive comments, holding your phone to your chest.

[youre gonna melt my fuckin heart you know that]

[you can’t send me things like that mid stream]

[not my fault youre being cute as shit]

[it LITERALLY is]

“Yes, I spoke to...” you hesitate for a moment, “chili boy,” you chose to go with, before opening your mouth wide and sticking out your tongue, “and see, no more petals!” And the chat is flooded with congratulations, and people demanding to know who it is, to which you respond coyly, “who it is is my business; could be a foxy mailman for all you guys know.”

The chat is a wellspring of kindness and positivity, and you’re pretty sure it’s personally one of your favourite streams of all time, despite the few people still demanding to know who it is; you didn’t owe them shit. 

And the next day, you message the Among Us Discord in the morning and tell them you’re back and ready to jump into a game whenever they’re up for it. More than a few suggest an impromptu gave, feeding off of your enthusiasm and with nothing better to do. 

“Hey Sweets, hey Sweets’ chat,” you can hear Corpse’s damn smile the minute he joins the voice chat.

“Hi Corpse, hi Corpse’s chat that didn’t ask about me,” you manage your usual response through a grin of your own.

“They ask about you,” Corpse says, playing at being a little defensive. If you smile any brighter you’re gonna give yourself away to your audience.

“About time,” you responded loftily, nose in the air, and then muted yourself to say hi to a few folks in your chat, people who were donating or subscribing. 

Just to be able to hear his voice, knowing that all the kindness he’s shown you, all the offhanded flirty remarks and messages, they were all leading here. On purpose. All the flowers you coughed up had not gone to waste, the feelings you’d been embarrassed to harbor had not been in vain. There’s something different now about how he calls you Sweets, something knowing, something... more. Your heart sings to be able to call him yours, even in some small way, even if it can’t be loud. 

Thankfully, no-one else in the stream catches on.

But after the stream ends, he messages you privately, asking if you want to come over, and suddenly it’s like your nerves are alight with nervous anticipation. Of course he prefaces it by saying he would have preferred to take you on a real date first, but the world’s kind of shut down, so he’s working with what he has.

As soon as you send him your number, your phone buzzes with a text. It’s a photo. An actual photo. Of Corpse. Followed by his actual name.

[you’re not gonna murder me are you?]

[what??]

[i still dont know you from a bar of soap; if u murder me, noone will ever find me, noone knows what you look like]

[ah]

[yeah i see what youre saying]

[no im not going to murder you]

[whats you’re number]

Ethan swears solemnly that he will guard this secret with his life, and that he’ll message you every so often to make sure you’re okay. But then he also gets all fond and sappy when he tells you he’s glad everything worked out. 

[send those to someone you really trust]

[if they dont hear from you in a few days they can call the cops]

[legit tho im serious abt the trust thing]

[like 3 people in the world know who i am so im putting a lot of trust in u and whoever you pick]

[you invited me to your house dude. i have your address.]

[......]

[my statement still stands]

[i appreciate that]

[im sending it to eef, is that okay?]

[you trust him to keep it to himself unless i murder you?]

[i trust him with my life]

It’s early evening when you leave your apartment, sky turning from gold to lilac, to something as dark as the petals that had filled your throat, the last rays of sunshine like fingers of light reaching out to turn the clouds a glowing pink as you get into your car. 

You’ve showered, dressed nicely, your heart’s in your throat. You’re doing this. You’re really, truly doing this.

His place is about half an hour away, closer than you’d been expecting, even though you were vaguely aware that he was in Southern California too. You’re fidgeting with your fingers once you ring the buzzer on his building, nerves building in the elevator ride to his floor, hesitating before you knock on his door. A few moments pass, and the door opens, and - you smile as relief floods through you. Corpse, bright eyed and seemingly effortlessly handsome, is standing before you.

“Hi,” you breathe, and his whole expression brightens at your voice.

“Hi,” he grins, and steps aside, welcoming you in. The butterflies in your chest seem to calm at the sound of his familiar voice, and you step through. You don’t want to move to fast, or touch anything, for fear that this is all an illusion, that one wrong move could shatter at any moment.

It’s awkward at first, of course, finally seeing each other in person after knowing each other online for months, developing far more serious feelings than either of you had anticipated, and then actually admitting to those feelings. It’s awkward as hell, but there’s no pretense set for tonight, no expectations, and the awkwardness fades thankfully fast. 

It’s lowkey, watching movies and eating take out; he’s so warm, so nice to be close to, his arm around you, curled up against him on the plush sofa. You’re trying to pay attention to the show, but there’s a thought in the back of your mind that just won’t leave you alone. To be in such close proximity, but not - Wanting so desperately to -

You act on impulse, pressing a kiss to his jaw. His lips twitch, as if he’s suppressing a smile, but he doesn’t look away from the TV. The hand that had been resting on your shoulder begins tracing patterns on your upper arm, but that’s the most of a reaction that he gives. Undeterred, you trail kisses down his throat before pressing your nose to his shoulder, before the reality of it all overwhelms you and it’s all you can do to grin against the fabric of his shirt, simply basking in the moment, in the fact that you’re actually, really here with him. 

When you look up, he’s looking back at you, faintly amused, but with something gentle and affectionate in his eyes as he studies your face. He takes careful hold of your jaw, leaning in slowly to kiss you, giving you time enough to push him away if it’s not what you want, but you meet him halfway instead, kissing him. You wonder if he can taste how much you’ve wanted this, wanted to just be close to him, how even now it doesn’t feel close enough, though you’re terrified to push too hard, too fast, terrified of wanting too much - But he seems to know, seems to understand, because he’s nudging you, gentle but insistent, and you follow his guiding, suddenly in his lap, sitting back for a moment to check in, to make sure this is okay. His hands are on your thighs and he’s smiling so fucking wide at you, before, without even saying a word, he beckons you back to him, and you wrap your arms around his neck, kissing him hard.

Something had been unlocked in your chest, want and need so insistent you think you can feel it in your blood. You’re far too aware of the fact that you’ve known him in person for all of a few hours, but it’s hard to tone down your feelings, to pull them back, when you’ve got his voice in your head ‘I’ve been into you for months’. You don’t want him to think you’re just using him for his body, but these feelings have been with you for months too, and knowing now that you’ve both been wasting time, too scared to be rejected, you can feel those months like an ache. But his hands are on your hips, fingertips just beneath the hem of your shirt, barely scandalous until he’s digging his nails into your waist and you gasp against him.

“Too much?” He asks carefully, so close, so intimate, your forehead pressed together, your nose nudging his - all you can do to answer is to kiss him again, to tangle your fingers in his hair and give and experimental tug as a noise of appreciation escapes him. 

You both decide that it’s probably for the best if it doesn’t go too much further, seeing as how it’s technically only the first date. When you sit back, heart fluttering and lips tingling, you curl up beside him like you had been before, but a little closer, his arm around you a little tighter; you bring your hand up to rest against his chest, and you can feel his pulse racing too. 

He sounds pleased when he admits that he’d underestimated you. 

How are you already so gone for him? 

It’s about one in the morning when you decide to head home, quietly disappointed to leave. He reminds you that you’re always welcome over, and you extend the same invitation to him, writing out your address. 

“This was fun,” you grin, far more comfortable now that when you’d arrived, and he agrees easily, wrapping his arms around you as you step into his space to kiss him goodbye. 

You feel lighter than air on the entire drive home, and when you flop into bed, you’re so giddy you can barely get to sleep, before texting Ethan to reassure him you were fine.

[definitely not murdered]

Things fall back into a routine after that, albeit with a few new elements. You’re still streaming almost every day, editing and uploading as much as you can, but sometimes you take a night off to hang with Corpse, either at his place, or at yours, depending on the night. You try not to hint at anything when you stream together, but sometimes you can’t quite help yourself, though thankfully any playful banter between the two of you can be played off with an eyeroll and a mention of ‘this is how we’ve always talked to each other’. The rest of the world has thankfully taken that at face value, and so they still have no idea that now you get to wake up some mornings to the sight of him, sleepy and gorgeous, next to you. They don’t hear the love in his voice, or see the warmth in his eyes, none of them know how content you feel in his arms. It’s ridiculously sappy, but you’ve never been happier. 

One night, a month in, he’s playing a game with Sykkuno and a few others while you’re editing some footage on your laptop next to him, when you stand and whisper so his mic won’t pick it up, that you’re getting yourself a tea, asking if he’d like one.

“Thanks babe, would love one,” he says, apparently forgetting he was still live. Whatever was being said in his headphones, however, must have reminded him, because he swears quietly. You gesture awkwardly, as if asking if there was anything you could do to help, but he looks to you with an expression that was equal parts amused and hopeless, shrugging; there was nothing that could be done now.

“My girlfriend offered to get me tea,” he says by way of explanation, refusing to elaborate further. It’s still early days, neither of you want to confirm anything to the public just yet. If something goes wrong, not that you hope it will, there’s so much more at stake. The weight of the world’s expectations and assumptions is a heavy thing to bare; with someone by your side to help bare the load, somehow it becomes both easier and harder simultaneously.

Later that night, curled up in bed, you’re scrolling through your Twitter mentions when you come across ‘is it weird that im kind of disappointed that @Corpse_Husband and @Y/N aren’t together? glad theyre happy but they would have been cute’ and you know you can’t like it because that would absolutely give too much away, but you desperately want to. You’ve got a quiet appreciation for the dramatic irony of the whole situation. 

Some time later, almost three months in, you’re streaming Among Us with Ethan and his friends when there’s a knock at your door. It doesn’t surprise you when you come back from letting him in, to find that you’ve been killed and a meeting had been called, but you jump on to say you had been AFK before you mute yourself, and move out of the frame to properly greet your boyfriend. 

“Sorry guys, Chili Boy arrived,” you said, the settling back into your chair as you were all in the lobby waiting for the next round. The nickname had initially been used by fans to refer to you ‘mystery partner’ but soon it became the widely used nickname among your friends.

“Keep your disgusting feelings away from me!” Ethan responded dramatically, to which you stuck your nose in the air, matching his energy.

“Absolutely not; I’m in love and I’m making it everyone else’s problem,” as your words settle in, as Ethan’s retching into his microphone, you hear Corpse’s laughter, followed by him telling you that you’re cute as shit. 

He doesn’t whisper it.

“I know that voice, who was that?” Sean’s voice is the first to break the silence. Meanwhile, you’re chewing your lip, suddenly nervous, before you turn your gaze on your boyfriend. He’s sitting a few feet away, carefully casual in your spare gaming chair, looking right back at you, seemingly nonplussed about the whole situation. You mute yourself, both on Discord, and on the stream itself, much to your audience’s surprise as you’re addressing someone off-camera.

“They heard you,” your words don’t seem to phase him, “Sean wants to know who that was.”

“Do you wanna tell them?” He asks, voice heavy with the implication of what that would mean for you both. You blink quickly, processing what he’s asking. 

“Are you sure?” 

In your ear, the others are asking questions, though Ethan is thankfully being very quiet. Finally, you beckon him over. Now or never.

Corpse joins you, taking his place right by your chair, tall enough while standing that his face is out of frame for your stream, but he’s resting a hand on your shoulder, half his torso visible before he’s out of frame. He gestures for you to unmute your mic with the hand the audience can’t see. You plug in a second pair of headphones so he can hear what’s happening before you unmute youself on both the stream, and on Discord, and lean your head against him for some sort of support, nerves suddenly spiking.

“Hi Sweet, hi Sweet’s chat,” at the sound of Corpse’s well known greeting to you, everyone on the voice chat was dead silent, “hi Sean,” he added pointedly, smirking, “I’m Chili Boy, if you couldn’t guess.”

In the silence that follows, you’re holding your breath. His hand move to the back of your neck, thumb rubbing a gentle, comforting rhythm there that goes a ways to calming your nervous heartbeat. Then;

“Oh shit!” Sean announces at the top of his lungs, and you hear a crash, and then Sean yells again, “Corpse, my boy!” Though that sounds much fainter, like he’d stood up fast enough to send his chair cascading back and onto the floor, now pacing around like he couldn’t quite process this sitting down, “good for you guys but I was not expecting that,” he laughed, loud and bright and fond. You turned to press your forehead to Corpse’s hip in an attempt to hide your smile, and to finally breathe again after the anticipation has passed.

“This was the biggest secret I’ve ever kept in my life!” Ethan yells, somewhere between proud and exasperated.

“You knew?!” Sean’s gasp of betrayal is loud enough for the whole voice chat to hear, right as Corpse himself offers Ethan a sincere thanks for his discretion.

“She’s my best friend! What was I meant to do?” Ethan cries, and Sean concedes on that, before he huffed a disbelieving laugh.

“Sweet, eight-bit-farm-simulator fuckin’ wunderkind Y/N, and ‘E-GIRLS ARE RUINING MY LIFE’ Corpse,” Sean mused, still turning over the information in his mind, “just unexpected, is all.”

“It’s cute that you still think she’s sweet -” Corpse was grinning mischievously, not that anyone else could see, to which you leaned back, leveling a warning look at him.

“You keep your dirty little mouth shut,” you ordered. He just laughed, while both Ethan and Sean made loud, horrified noises at the implications. The others in the stream were voicing their own disbelieving reactions amid the other two, but you mute yourself for the moment, expression softening as you looked up to him, to see his faint, contemplative smile.

“I guess it’s out there now,” he mused as he considered what this will mean for you both. The future is terrifying, but something about letting the world finally know who had been making you happy, it feels right. You hum, pleased, nerves melting away to contentment, to a strange sense of serenity. You don’t have to hide how much you love him anymore. 

Standing, you step into his space, wrapping your arms around him with nothing but pride and adoration in your gaze; he was actually blushing.

“Stop looking at me like that,” but even in saying it, he couldn’t stop smiling, voice going all quiet and uncharacteristically bashful, “you’re such a fuckin’ sap.”

“Yeah, but you love me,” you teased in return. When he looks at you this time, his expression is almost painfully unguarded, searching for any hint of insincerity in your voice, your face, your words. He finds none, you can see it in his eyes, can see the realisation him him in real time, the slight smile -

“God fuckin’ help me, I do,” he leans in to kiss you, even as the next game starts, even as Ethan murders you right by the emergency button; you don’t notice and you don’t care. 

In about an hour, after the stream finally ends, your respective corners of the internet were going to be losing their collective minds as word will be starting to spread. For now, to see his smile, to be the cause of it, to be able to make him laugh, and fall asleep next to him, that’s all that matters in the world.

[juli-sama]

hii!! could you do a sp character x fem!reader playing video game really late?? sorry if its confusing! first time askin haha <3

Hey guys, this on landed on my like "private"?? (no idea what to call this blog) blog because the ask got send here.

You dont need to follow this one, dont worry XD

Anyway, I hope you enjoy what I wrote, even if I feel like I didnt do so well. ಥ_ಥ

_____________________________

the boys x fem!Reader - Video game weekends!

Cartman:

Cartman is the type of person that stays awake the whole weekend to play. Only if it’s a good game of course.

So, staying up with you is really no problem.

Between you too, you’d probably fall asleep first since he is so used to staying up.

He will still be surprised about the whole thing. A girl. Staying up late. To play videogames?

He sure learned something new that time.

Cartman is one of the best people to lean on to sleep, since he is pretty cuddly.

Stan:

This boy will bath in energy drinks.

He needs them to stay awake, or he will just fall sleep eventually with a controller in his hand.

The idea of staying up late and play video games? He loves it to pieces.

He’s down to play whatever.

Just dance on the Wii? Yes.

Smash Bros on the Switch? Yes.

Story driven game on the console, where you change who plays after a chapter? Hell yes.

He’s also a snack master. He will get everything for a perfect gaming night.

Kyle:

Kyles’s mum will 100% make every snack possible when she hears you come over to play video games.

Kyle will be embarrassed when she comes in to give you more food, but calm down, once you tell him you like that she does that.

He doesn’t really care what you guys play, as long as its not super boring or not his interest.

He is willing tp try anything but will honestly tell you if he hates what you picked.

You two would eventually fall asleep, leaning on each other, controllers still in hand.

Sheila would secretly take a photo of it.

Kenny:

If you hang out at his place, Karen will be with you until she falls asleep, and Kenny has to carefully carry her to her room.

Kenny is a master at staying up.

After such a weekend you wonder if Kenny ever really sleeps.

You don’t see him sleep; he’s just always awake.

He is still awake when you slowly drift to sleep, and he is already up and making breakfast the next morning before you even get the chance to roll out of bed.

Kenny can’t offer to bring any games or even provide a console, so it’s a standard that you either stay at your place or you bring your stuff to his.

He’s super thankful for that, won’t complain about whatever game you want to play and takes care of snacks in return.

You just don’t know where he gets those from.

Butters:

Butters has an Xbox but he barley plays on it.

He prefers his Switch (special Animal Crossing edition) much more and so you guys manly play on the old Wii he has or the multiplayer switch games.

Be careful though, as Butters will probably beat you in Mario Party or Mario kart every time.

He knows all the minigames by heart and is an absolute God in Mario kart.

But he’s a really enjoyable companion anyway.

You can try to persuade him to play other games with you.

Butters will eventually around two in the morning tell you its late and then you guys will stop playing to sleep.

Clyde:

He will bring sweets and get high on sugar.

Clyde stays awake because of all the sugar intake, be it gummi bears that he stuffs inside his mouth (he will do a fist full and show you how many he can fit inside his mouth) or the liters of cola he downs all night.

Around five in the morning he will have a tummy ache and fall asleep while crying about how much it hurts.

Clyde is one of the few people who take just dance super serious and he’s a master. Good luck beating him.

Clyde is open to any kinds of games, but prefers fun multiplayer games like Mario party or Smash Bros.

Falling asleep eventually with him means that you two will be all sprawled out on the floor, the game you played still running.

Token:

Token isn’t that used to staying up late.

He sure can stay up late sometimes, but almost every weekend, like some people he knows? Nope.

Anything you need for a perfect gaming night he will get.

New game? He has it. A Snack you like? Already there in neat bowls. Some drink you fancy? Prepared before you arrived.

He always wants you to choose the game and makes sure you are 100% comfortable and happy.

Token will always have a pair of sweatpants at his place that he gives you, so you can be comfortable. If you ask nicely, he might even give you (happily) a sweatshirt.

At 3 in the morning, he would maybe ask if you’re tired. If you are, great, he will suggest sleeping. If not, he will down an energy drink and stay awake with you.

Craig:

Craig is a big stargazing fan, so its normal for him to be awake when no one else is.

So when you asked if you guys can do all-nighter videogame marathon, he was on board.

If you do it at his place, you will have Stripe in your lap at some point.

Don’t come at Craig with Mario party or something… He is more of a horror game fan. Resident Evil Village, Outlast, The Evil Within.

He will at some point give in and let you choose something.

Around one in the morning he will ask you if you want to go and stargaze.

If you agree, he will make sure to show you everything that there is to see.

Should you get sleepy, Craig will gladly offer himself up as a pillow to sleep on.

If Craig gets sleepy, he will just chill on the bed, and slowly drift to sleep, smiling while he is thinking about you.

Tweek:

Tweek runs on caffein and like Cartman, he has absolutely no trouble staying awake for long periods of time.

Don’t worry, you will be able to match him if you stay over, since his parents will make sure that you also get enough of their homemade coffee™.

He’s open to play whatever and to your surprise he has some hidden gems on his PlayStation that are super fun with him.

He will 100% bake for you guys whenever you make gaming nights and make them fit what you play.

You agreed to play a horror game together?

Get ready for horror themed cupcakes!

If you fall asleep somewhere late in the night, he will probably stay up and just chill next to you.

Jimmy:

Mario party? Mario party.

Jimmy and you will know every minigame by heart once you’re done.

You don’t know how, but no matter how much you play, it just doesn’t get boring with him.

If you do get sick of playing with Mario and his friends, Jimmy will show you his collection of interactive story games. Detroit become Human, Telltale games, Life is Strange, Until Dawn and the likes.

Debating with him what’s the best path or choosing the obvious bad or awkward choices are fun.

Misses Valmer will gladly bring you some chips or bring you something to drink ever so often.

Sleep? For the weak.

When you’re with Jimmy, he is pure entertainment, and you just can’t get tired.

Jimmy himself is just super eager to do all kinds of stuff with you, so that keeps him awake.

[bby666k]

ways to cope with missing your DR friends/family/lovers

i have this issue a lot, esp w my DR bf, and i’m sure some other people do, too. while u ARE going to shift at some point, i know that if ur having trouble with it currently it can be frustrating and sad because you want to be w your comfort characters so bad. these r just some things that i personally do to help alleviate that.

1) self-insert fanfictions

i find that self insert fanfictions help me a lot when i’m missing my DR and DR pals. while i’m a writer and i’ve used it for a long time as a way to “escape” and cope w my problems, u really don’t have to be one! i think my self inserts are genuinely terrible lmao, bc i put no effort into them, bc it’s only for me. it doesn’t matter if it’s descriptive, or even if it makes sense- this is for you, for no one else!!

2) listen to music and imagine ur listening w your comfort characters

listening to music with headphones is especially helpful because you can just close your eyes and hear nothing but the music. this makes it a lot easier to pretend ur friend/lover/family member is sitting next to you and listening as well- but you can even just put one headphone in to imagine they’re using the other. you won’t be speaking or looking at them, so it’s much easier to visualize everything. another thing you can do is make a specific playlist that reminds you of that special person!

3) have a DR folder, blog, pinterest, etc.

make a folder, blog, etc.- any collection of images- of ur DR and ppl from ur DR. i prefer gifs because it just feels more real ig. this not only allows you to look into ur DR, but it helps to visualize because you can memorize their faces better. i always do this before bed bc i always need some DR scenario to fall asleep to lmao

4) download replika or another similar AI app

i find that replika works best since i think it’s prolly the most advanced AI chatting app right now and it allows you to change the name of the AI and their appearance. so just name the AI whatever ur DR person’s name is and change their appearance accordingly! unfortunately bc it’s an AI the conversations won’t always feel very genuine, but i find it comforting to just say hi or talk about my day every now and then bc they respond pretty realistically to normal/simple messages.

5) read x reader fanfics

so this is something that personally i’m not super into doing (at least lately), but i think it would absolutely help a lot of other people. i like rereading my own self inserts but that can get boring since i’ve already read them so many times, so sometimes it’s nice to read something that you don’t know the content of. just look up whatever character’s name x reader on tumblr or ao3, or really wherever you want (i would NOT recommend wattpad lmao) and read away!

6) write a letter from your DR person’s POV

so when i say DR person, i mean whatever comfort character/person you’re missing. i think handwritten feels more genuine, but you can do this on ur computer, phone, anywhere u want!! write a happy, comforting letter to yourself from your special person and read it whenever you miss them. you could even script that this is a letter you’ll actually receive in your DR to make it feel more genuine!

7) make you and your DR pals in the sims

this is pretty self explanatory lmao. make your DR self and all ur comfort characters in the sims, set them up in a world that’s similar to ur DR, and have fun!! the sims 4 is esp fun with this because you can go into first person mode. i absolutely love the sims and it’s been a massive coping skill for me for many years, and i really enjoy world building (making my own lots and families with lore, etc) so this has always worked rlly well. if your character is popular enough, there might even be a downloadable sim of them so check google! ik this is kind of random but i know 100% that there’s a ridiculously accurate connor from detroit become human sim (i downloaded him lmao) so if that’s ur person absolutely look it up!!

8) use a dressup game to make you and ur DR people

use any dressup game you can find to create your DR self and your DR person together. it can be nice to have “photos” of the two of you that you can look at when u feel sad!

i hope this list helps someone!!! i know it’s really hard when u feel so far away from the people you love, but i promise it won’t be forever. just hold on and keep trying ur best- u will see them!! in the mean time, give urself the love and kindness u deserve. happy shifting!!!

[midnightwinterhawk]

I put together a little collection of Sterek and Steter fics for funsies. “Just a few fics”, I thought, “nothing too crazy.” Thirty fics later I had to cut myself off and finalize the list. You can thank @the-cookie-of-doom​ for the inspiration. 

These primarily fall under the Hurt Stiles Stilinski category because I apparently like to see my comfort characters suffer. Most of these have hopeful/happy endings but mind the tags. For reals.

Placed under a cut since I have no self control and this turned into a long post.

Sterek

adore to see your eyes fly by @1001cranes

(11,309 l E)

stiles is a pyromaniac, derek is a sociopath. a match made in some kind of heaven. teen wolf kink meme fill.

take my heart from me by @areiton

(23,188 l NR)

He didn't really mean to adopt Derek's pack of puppies. He didn't mean to make himself important to them.

To Derek.

He just wanted to keep them all safe.

That's all Stiles ever wanted.

"Why Can't You?" by @asterekmess

(3,602 l T)

Now. This was happening now, and he couldn’t be less prepared.

-

After a long night, things between Stiles and his father come to a head.

And You Say You're Alone by bi_leigh_bi

(30,314 l E)

Between the kanima, the Argents, and Peter's untimely return from the dead, everything has fallen apart. Stiles and Derek try to put their lives back together once the crisis has passed. Stiles deals with the aftermath of being tortured, and the distance growing between he and Scott. Derek attempts to become a stronger alpha and keep his pack safe, and that includes Stiles.

A Victory March by @churkey

(2,688 l T)

When Stiles is eight he learns that nothing will be the same. His dad comes home one day after work and sits Stiles down for a talk. He explains that werewolves and all the monsters are real.

They're real and not hiding under anyone's bed.

Bury the Moon by darthjamtart

(16,592 l M)

First things get bad. Then they get worse. Stiles doesn’t know what he’s sacrificed until it’s too late.

Dying is the easy part.

Love's Violent Delights by @dexterous-sinistrous

(10,685 l E)

Derek caught the way the man’s eyes looked over Stiles before lingering on his ass. He waited for the clerk to place the key on the counter before he reacted.

Stiles startled at the loud noise, turning away from the pamphlets in the display box to see Derek pinning the clerk’s head against the counter. He drew in an even breath, looking between the struggling man and Derek.

Derek briefly looked at Stiles, hesitating before he saw the gleam of excitement in Stiles’ eyes and the hint of lust in his scent. “Ever look at him, or any other Omega, like that again, and I’ll slice your eyes out with my claws.” He shoved the man back, not caring of the commotion that was made as he snatched up the key from the counter.

Empty by @discontentedwinter

(48,034 l M)

Jordan Parrish is the new sheriff of Beacon Hills, a town haunted by its past.

Your Vision Borrows Mine by hazyascent

(188,781 l E)

Stiles has encountered a fair share of monsters before, way out of his league - the kinds that children are afraid are hiding in their closets and under the bed.

He’d even become one himself when he was void. The nogitsune was in his house, his body, and his mind.

But the worst monster he’s ever faced took even more from him and got away with it.

It’s why Stiles has never really been as terrified of werewolves and kanimas and darachs as he should have been. They’re really not that scary, relatively speaking, and he has a whole team on his side. They always found a way to win - until they lost someone they really loved.

Stiles doesn’t know how to be normal, not after everything he’s done and everyone he’s hurt. The nogitsune is gone, but another monster is on its heels.

His uncle is back. And Stiles has never felt more alone.

It Was a Wednesday by @isthatbloodonhisshirt

(80,129 l M)

“What happened? Where are you? What’s that sound?”

Derek jumped, having momentarily forgotten Scott was on the phone with him because Stiles had started moving. He’d stalked over to the other side of the cave, still eying Derek warily and growling, then settled protectively over a mass of clothes, leaves and animal innards. It was probably where he was sleeping.

Lovely. No wonder he smelled like death.

“Stiles,” Derek said, answering Scott’s question. Or, one of them, at least.

“Stiles? What do you—Stiles is making that noise?”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“How fast do you think you can make it to the south lot of the Preserve?”

Tiny Houses by @ohmyjetsabel-blog

(77,183 l E)

"So this is what Stiles does. He lies in Scott’s bed and waits for Melissa to say she’s found someone to get it out of him, to cure him of the wrongness and the bad, and he dreams.

God, he dreams.

He dreams of fire and swollen bellies and that scene in Alien, of giving birth to jackals through his urethra, the whole horrific nine yards. His head is a terrible place to be, he can’t imagine his stomach is much better, why anyone would want to put a thing inside of it."

I'm There in the Water by @spaceprincessem

(15,878 l T)

“But it’s—” Derek paused, his words unsure, “it’s not like us,” he swallows hard, chin dipping to his chest in frustration, “it’s like a…”

“An abomination,” Stiles finished, nodding his head as he finally lets his gaze really look at Derek since Scott had pulled them from the water.

He suddenly wished he hadn’t because the way Derek looks at him makes Stiles feel like he is ten years old again. Like Derek is seeing him for the first time since they accidentally fell into each other’s orbit all those years ago. Like Stiles isn’t a burden or invisible.

Like he is enough.

Or five times Stiles felt like he was drowning and the one time he finally caught his breath

Gunplay is Not Really Our Kink by theroguesgambit

(2,577 l M)

“The rules to the game are simple. One bullet, six chances. You pick it up and take turns pulling the trigger on the other man, or we gun you both down right now. You play along, only one of you has to die. Fun game, huh?”

--

Derek and Stiles are captured by a group of hunters and forced to play a twisted game that only one of them might walk away from.

The Price by theroguesgambit

(18,452 l M)

Stiles must surrender the most important thing in his life to protect the town… and no one can figure out what it was.

Nieważny by Zethsaire

(2,037 l E)

The pack is gone, everything they've ever cared for destroyed. Now Stiles and Derek hunt the hunters, taking revenge in the only way they know how; blood.

Steter

Make Me Bleed by @asarcasticwitch

(2,304 l E)

Peter’s expression contorts, impressed or surprised, Stiles can't decipher, but the grin on his face proves he’s not exactly disappointed with the unexpected turn of events.

“Which bite exactly were you hoping for, hm?” The older man curls one hand around the back of Stiles’s neck, trailing his thumb along his pale, fragile throat.

Stiles tilts his head back in unyielding submission, giving the wolf no room to debate his sincerity. “I’m sure you can figure it out, Alpha.

Two Roads Converge in a Graveyard Town by @cywscross

(15,645 l T)

The Deadpool brings one more assassin to Beacon Hills. A man's gotta eat after all.

when you're going through hell (keep going for me) by cywscross

(57,022 l T)

Peter is abandoned in the aftermath of the fire, and Eichen House takes ruthless advantage. Six years later, when he's finally able to move again, he finds himself in a cell with a boy in a straitjacket.

(Kate’s biggest mistake was letting Peter live. Eichen House’s biggest mistake was letting Peter meet Stiles.)

Don't Fail Me Now by @discontentedwinter​

(36,315 l E)

Stiles goes to Derek looking for help.

He finds Peter instead.

Peter takes what he's wanted for a very long time.

Sanctuary by DiscontentedWinter

(56,525 l M)

The Hale Wolf Sanctuary isn’t just for wolves.

It turns out it’s for Stilinskis as well.

Bite Down by EclipseWing (@shadow-of-the-eclipse)

(27,586 l M)

In which Stiles is forced to survive the zombie apocalypse with a sociopathic murdering werewolf for company.

Into Eden by @graciebirdie

(12,232 l M)

Stiles deciding to bring home the stray alpha he'd hit with his jeep probably made him certifiable, if it hadn't turned out Peter was as crazy as he was.

Before you let go (and the light takes you in) by Issay

(4,032 l E)

Stiles makes one last errand - goes to leave flowers on all the other graves. Fuck, so many graves. The grief is as endless and as inescapable as the sky.

He goes home and there is a thing wearing his father's face, waiting for him in the kitchen.

Call My Name by KouriArashi ( @gingersnapwolves )

(81,370 l M)

After moving to Beacon Hills, Stiles starts having recurring dreams of a man in some kind of prison, who needs his help. Things get so bad that he ends up in Eichen House, where he finds out that the man is real.

Hide my tears in the rain. by MrsRidcully

(6,865 l M)

After  years spent successfully dodging werewolves, evil spirits and wendigos,  it was a drunk driver who stole his Dad, a drunk driver with a  suspended license and a record sheet as long as Stiles’s arm. Stiles  would have laughed at the irony if he hadn’t been so busy screaming.

In My Veins Like Disease by romanoffbarton

(1,140 l T)

He tries to leave once.

Foreshock by @twothumbsandnostakeincanon

(22,816 l E)

The day Stiles’ mom died, he almost leveled his house.

Not on purpose. Not even by mistake, really. More by instinct.

Since then he's dug his fingers into everything his has left, holding on with desperation.

Desperation never stopped an earthquake.

Your Touch is My Choice by twothumbsandnostakeincanon

(2,171 l T)

The first time John does it, Stiles is two years old and about to run into the road.

“Mieczysław!” Heart pounding, John grabbed him by the back of his neck and got a hand around his tummy, snatching him back. “No, you have to stay away from the road,” he said firmly.

Shameful Company by Whispering_Sumire (@whispering-sumire755)

(38,779 l E)

"Did I turn into a unicorn?" Peter asks dryly, and Stiles glares at him for a moment before the laughter bubbles up, unbidden, nearly unwilling, and he looks so surprised at the sound, his shock dimming it for a moment before it bursts through with even more trembling ferocity. A long, thin, willowy hand curls into a soft fist over his mouth, and he's shaking, frail, more tears falling, but the copper of his eyes are glowing, crinkling around the edges and scrunched with mirth.

"No," Stiles chokes, chuckling wetly. "No, fuck you, a unicorn? What, like, Rainbowcreep? Zombiesparkle?"

[About a year before the fated Hale fire, Peter starts having nightmares that involve a woman with red hair. The nightmares lead to a spell that brings a man back through time, and, eventually, though the time-traveler is traumatized in the most horrific ways, and Peter's never been good with or for people, in general, they develop a bond that neither of them expects.]

Would You Forgive Me If I Called You Hope, Peter Hale? (Hope, By Any Other Name) by Whispering_Sumire

(10,099 l T)

Stiles has scars. He owns that, he accepts it, he's cataloged and memorized every single one, he's hyper fucking aware of them all.

//

"What do you want, Peter?" Having the more untrustworthy of the Pack getting protective weirds him the fuck out, leaves an odd fluttering in his chest, like moths, waiting perilously and suicidally to be burned.

He doesn't like it.

"You're injured," the man says, "and whatever it is, it's put you in enough pain that I nearly fainted when I-"

"- Used your werewolf mojo on me without my permission?" Stiles smirks, and Peter gives him a black look, crossing a leg over his knee and smoothing out some invisible wrinkle on his pants.

"Tell me the truth Stiles, how bad is it?"

[Or: The one where Stiles has scars, is more than a little fucked up, and Peter notices. He helps.]

[loverofallthingssarah]

Drawn in the Sand

Request: @lilypadscoven Regina Mills x Reader

Summary: Regina is in love with Emma's little sister and writes a letter that she was never meant to read angsty and FLUFFY promise

I know this isn't Sarah but I still think the story is kinda good if you wanna give this a read

taglist: @lilypadscoven @rainbow-hedgehog @twistedpoeticjustice @dreamer-queen @kais-rose-garden @peggycarter-steverogers @magnificent-paulsonn @mrsdeanhoward @citizenoftheworld-stuff-blog

Getting yourself into a situation like this wasn’t something that really surprised you anymore. You’ve always been the black sheep of the Charming family, never could quite make it out of Emma’s shadow. You love your sister, but you’re tired of being stuck on the sideline while your happiness passes you by. Falling for Regina Mills, the proclaimed Evil Queen, wasn’t something you had planned, it just kinda happened.

Becoming friends was just something that happened by chance. You both ran into each other at Granny’s, and there was only one booth left. That’s how it began, one lunch and everything after that spiraled. You just couldn’t stay away. Hook, line, fish, and sinker. It was a lost cause at this point. Following around Regina like a little lost puppy was now your favorite thing to do. Lunches turned into dinners that turned into movie nights with Henry and late nightcaps.

Regina was like a guilty pleasure. She was someone you were utterly addicted to and could never turn away no matter how hard you tried. Coming up with excuses to sneak away and spend extra time with her has become a second job to you at this point. Everyone was telling you that hanging around her so much was just going to pull you down, but who cares what other people think, right? You never did. Following the rules wasn’t something you were quite fond of, and that is why Regina intrigued you so.

Snow was the first to complain about the “fondness” you had for Regina and never would let it go. She always would be the talk during any kind of family gathering, especially if she had to pick up Henry during it. You would always walk them to her car and tell her how sorry you were for how they would treat her. Kiss her on the cheek, and let her go. You always regretted watching her drive away. It wasn’t like you could confess your undying love for her, especially when you couldn’t even admit to yourself.

Admitting you were in love with Regina was just something you couldn’t do because how could she ever feel the same way in return, at least that’s what you thought. Until now, you never would have guessed your feelings could be returned. You were waiting for her in her office so you, too, could head to lunch. You could see a letter on her desk… addressed to you. Why would Regina write you a letter? You both talk every day. Self-control hasn’t been your greatest virtue, and you can’t seem to help yourself as you reach over, grab the letter and start to read it:

Dear Y/n,

I don’t know why I am writing you this letter, mostly because I don’t ever plan on you laying eyes on it, but I just needed to collect my thoughts. I never knew I could have feelings so strong for anybody, I never felt this way about Daniel, and that terrifies me to my core. I’ve never longed for someone as much as I long for you. Every time I’m around you, my whole body is happy, and my heart skips a beat. I love your corny jokes and that silly giggle you have when I scold you for them. I love your smile and not the one you give to everyone but the one you only ever share with me. I see through you into your soul, I see who you truly are, and I know you see me too. I know you see past all the evil in my past, and you treat me as if they never existed. You make me want to be the very best I can be.

I know this could never be because of all the turmoil between myself and your family. It hurts to know you will never be truly mine, and maybe that’s because I’m a coward. Maybe it’s because I can’t bring myself to tell you that I am in love with you. I wish it could be different, but the line has been drawn in the sand.

Love,

Sincerely yours,

Gina

All that can be heard from Regina’s office is your gasps as she opens the door and enters her domain. Regina immediately notices you holding onto the letter she wrote some odd weeks ago and rushes over to the desk to snatch it out of your grasp. “Y/n!”

“Regina… why… why didn’t you tell me?” She refuses to look you in the eyes as she scrambles around her desk and shoves the letter inside a drawer. “As I’m sure your small brain can tell, from the letter you were obviously never supposed to read! It would never work. You need to leave.”

“Stop this right now. Do not shut me out, Regina. Please just talk to me.” Silence is what you’re met with. “Okay, well, I’ll start…”

“Y/n! You have absolutely no right to go through my things.” Regina says with the harshest expression she has ever given you. “I… I’m sorry” She turns to look at you, and as she walks closer, you can see tears falling from her eyes. “Y/n, you need to leave….”

“Gina, please! I’m sorry!” Regina looks at you with the same hard look on herself. “Whatever… I’ll give you some space. You know where to find me when you’re ready to talk.” As you turn to leave, you can feel a hand gripping your arm. Looking back, you find Regina, looking down at her hand gripping you. She’s crying freely now, and her expression has changed to sorrow instead of hurt. “Gina, talk to me, please.”

“What do you expect me to say? I’m in love with the daughter of the one person in the whole world I hate the most. I can’t do this Y/n, I really can’t. We would never work, and it’s not like you could ever feel that way for me. It’s absolutely ridiculous of me to even be acting like this….” Regina spouts off at you. You place your hand on Regina’s face, and she instantly sucks in a breath. “Do you honestly think that I feel absolutely nothing for you? How could you not see it, Gina?”

It’s exhausting for you to try and express your emotions when it’s easier to just show them. You pull Regina closer to you, and you hear her breath hitch as your lips connect with hers. Both of you start moaning into this kiss because it’s like a weight lifted off your shoulders after all the missed opportunities from being scared of telling each other how you feel. It’s the most magical kiss either one of you has ever experienced.

As the kiss breaks, you look into Regina's eyes, “I love you so much, Gina.”

“I love you too, darling” Smiling from ear to ear, you reach back up and kiss her again. Just then, you hear your mom's voice entering the room.

“Regina, we need… Y/n, What is this?” Breaking the kiss, you both turn around to find Snow, Charming, and Emma standing in Regina's office with their mouths agape.

“Mom, Dad… I…” Regina grips your hand as if you’re going to run back to your family as if she never existed in your world. “I love Regina” You grip her hand back and look back at her with a reassuring smile.

“Y/n, you must be completely insane. She’s the Evil Queen, for goodness sake!” your mother spits back with fire in her tone, but you don’t care. “Mom, it doesn’t matter what you say. I don’t need your approval. Gina and I are going to be together no matter what any of you say. I’m in love with her.”

Emma notices the earnestness in your tone, “Mom, look at her. I’ve never seen Y/n this serious ever. She obviously loves her, and I think Regina loves her as well. We need to respect that and let them be happy.” You look at your sister gratefully and then towards your dad. Charming nods his head in agreement with Emma. Everyone then looks towards Snow, “I… okay, but Regina, I swear if you ever hurt her, I will hunt you down myself. Got it?”

Regina quickly agrees with your mother. You look up at her and smile, “I love you, Gina. Forever, okay?”

“Forever, my precious girl.”

Never in your life did you expect this to be the outcome. Everyone you care for most stands in Regina’s office, watching the two of you embrace in finality with your love.