I can't stop thinking about the relationship between Jon and Helen as perhaps one of the most important ones in the entire show. They are narrative parallels for each other, and they both know it. They've both known it from the very start!
Helen walks into the Archives, paranoid, unsure of who to trust, and Jon sees himself in her. And he thinks "If i can help her, maybe there's hope for me too." Then he can't save her. The next time they meet, she's a monster. They're both monsters. There was never any other way their stories could have gone, their fates entwined from the very start.
And Helen answers his original thought with one of her own: "Maybe if we can help each other, there's hope for us both." But Jon looks at her and sees everything that he fears becoming, and so he turns her away, and refuses to accept that their stories are still one and the same.
Helen went to the last person who was ever kind to her, the only person who both knew her as a human and had the context to understand what she'd become, and he hated her. He hated her because he liked Helen, and told her that she couldn't be Helen.
So she stopped trying to be Helen, and embraced being a monster. Reveled in it even. Then Jon wakes up from a six month coma, more monster than person, and tries so hard to cling to the things that mattered to him when he was human. Even with no support, even with the entire archives staff against him, he chooses humanity and compassion over and over again.
And this is a direct threat to Helen's world view. Their stories are entwined. If Jon can continue to be a person even after everything he's been through, then she could have clung to her humanity too, if only she'd tried a little harder. And that terrifies her! She wants to conceptualize herself as someone who was completely overwhelmed by forces beyond her control, who never had a choice but to become a monster. She want's to be an innocent victim. But Jon argues with his actions that they'd both had choices.
And, Jon, in turn, holds out hope that she might make better choices until the very end.
This is the conflict between them for all of season 4 and 5. Jon wants to prove that they can both be decent people, and Helen wants to prove that they were never going to be anything but monsters. This is why she's so devoted to trying to goad Jon into enjoying his newfound godhood. She knows that they are the same, and wants that to mean that he has a spark of evil inside of him, and not that she was always capable of doing good.
When Jon kills her, she loses her life, but wins the argument. Helen is nothing but a dangerous monster who needs to be killed for the good of everyone, and in the moment he decides that, Jon dooms himself to the same fate. Their stories are one and the same. "If i can help her, maybe there's hope for me too." he thought. But he couldn't help her, refused to, even, in the one moment when it actually mattered. And thus, there was never hope for him.
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You know what? You know what I think?
I think that if we lived as we were meant to, in larger intimate ("extended family") groups and with more shared labor and time to do it (UBI NOW) people like me would not feel so useless and burdensome because there would be people around to help and to do what neurodivergent people can't while making valuable space for the neurodivergent to do what they ARE good at.
The way we live right now, all right, the way we live right now forces units of two adults to be able to do EVERYTHING or PAY to have someone come do it for them. I have to do the housework. I have to do it! But I am having to do a million different things and most of them I am not good at. I suck at them.
I wouldn't feel like shit, okay, if I had more than one other person around who was not a child and who could do the things I can't, like do the yard and cook and do repairs and basic maintenance; and someone else to split everything else that I like but is too much for me. It would free me to do what I am good at and enjoy. Cleaning, as in the sink and toilet, the windows, the blinds. Taking out trash. Folding, hanging, and sorting laundry.
But because all the shit I can do often relies on other shit being done first, and I can't do or have trouble doing those things, the shit I can do often can't be done. And even the shit I can do, I can't do ALL of it. So I can't keep up, and things get very bad.
We aren't meant to live like this. We are not meant to live like this.
That thought hurts so much because being able to flee the birth family is integral to survival for so many people. I'm so afraid that living in larger family groups would create more opportunities for, say, queer kids to be isolated, rejected, bullied, and abused. But if we gave people enough money to survive, and stopped considering children the property of their parents with no system in place to help them escape bad situations except a system that is often just as bad, just different.
I'm aware that communes and collectives aren't all that successful and are kind of a joke. I don't mean that. I mean a fundamental shift to multigenerational families where taking in "strays" (which my family did) is also normalized so people escaping abuse into existing households was accepted, with these families centered in maybe a couple of different larger residences so not everyone has to buy and maintain their own fucking washing machine and vacuum cleaner, and so people can benefit from large group meals that yield leftovers, and so child and elder care can also be centralized.
Then disabled people and the neurodivergent and sick and injured people, and pregnant people, and grieving people, would not have to either labor through all those stressors or consign themselves to living off an unlivable pittance or being put under legal guardianship.
I'm not saying anything new. People live like this in other parts of the world and maybe it sucks and I am wrong. But I'm just really mad right now because I can either do laundry or clean the sink but not both, and I really think we could improve society somewhat by making it so I did not have to choose one without sacrificing the other.
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Heyyy! And could you write ghost and price with a chubby reader? :))
Hey there! Of course I can :-)
Price and Ghost with a Chubby!Reader
Price: It genuinely does not matter to Price whether you’re chubby or not. However, if you are chubby, then you better believe this man will not leave you alone. He loves you so dearly, he just wants to be with you whenever he can. And if you’re chubby? Oh, he’s never letting you go. He’s gonna hold onto you like a koala because you’re honestly just so precious. Will put his head on your tummy and use it as a pillow. This is an incentive for you to run your fingers through his hair so he may snooze for a little bit. If anyone ever dared to make fun of you for your size then he will throw hands. He’s a captain, he demands respect wherever he goes, so naturally the same goes for you as his partner. That fucker will end up with a broken nose, if not with a few broken ribs as well. And when you’re home? He’s gonna make you a nice and lovely meal. I feel as though once he’s gotten a taste of your chubby self he would become someone who genuinely likes chubby people. They’re just really soft for holding, you know? What’s better than putting your weary head on the lovely and soft thighs of your partner? Besides, he’d probably take the “if you have thick thighs you can fit more kittens on top of them” post to heart and might put a few kittens on top of you to see how many you can fit. Overall, he has heart eyes whenever you walk by. You’re beautiful, gorgeous, showstopping, and he’s gonna show you that he genuinely thinks that way about you. Besides, he’s kinda chubby too. So, you know, solidarity and all. However, he will blush if you ask to see his tummy. He won’t say no, but he’ll be embarrassed.
Ghost: Another man who thinks he doesn’t care about your size, but in reality he loves chubby people. He’s a big, rough, and rugged man, so would he really complain about his partner being soft? Do you really think he would? Like Price, he also has some chub around his tum. A healthy amount that makes him cute as a button, for a man his size, that is. He’d love to pick you up and throw you onto the bed or couch just to hold onto you. He’s probably gonna learn how to become an even better cook just to be able to cook you nice meals and keep you nice and fed. It’s his way of saying “You’re so fucking gorgeous, I love you, please never change”. And if it comes from Ghost you know it’s genuine. If anyone ever hurts you then he’s going to plan their murder in his head the second those insults leave their mouth. You’d need to hold him back so he doesn’t just kill that asshole. When you get home you can count on him being all over you, kissing you oh so gently everywhere you let him. He’s gonna do everything he can to make you feel like the royalty you actually are. You’re precious, you’re wonderful, he loves you. All those things are final. Besides, no one would ever dare to make fun of him for having some chub, right? So why would they make fun of you? Ghost usually isn’t a man of many words, but he’ll say whatever comes to mind to help you feel better. Overall, I kind of feel as though you’d help him feel better about himself as well. He’s not self conscious about his tummy per se, but you being chubby yourself, and him being so attracted to you and loving you this much, makes him feel better about himself.
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