#i don't normally get into this sort of topic but it matters and i'm sick of people trying to pretend jo ceased to exist

[markantonys]

While I still don't think the show has done enough to show why the world despises and fears male channelers (since it really should've been embedded into the world building, so far we only know that the Aes Sedai hate and fear them) and it does kinda lessen the impact of the narrative that none of the EF5 had at least an initial gut reaction to Rand being able to channel. I do wonder how they're gonna handle that topic moving forward, cause it kinda has to be addressed now that Rand is actively channeling. I could see it being expanded more deeply as Rand's madness progresses/tie it into his arc.

the show has made it ABUNDANTLY clear that Male Channelers Are Considered Bad News By All. it IS embedded into the worldbuilding. was the king saying that logain's gone mad and trying to kill him not enough for you? was the people of tar valon jeering and throwing fruit at him not enough for you? was rand and mat saying "hey if i'm a male channeler please kill me" not enough for you? was rand's terror the second he realized selene saw him channel not enough for you? was selene's act of how a normal person would react to finding out her boyfriend can channel not enough for you? was his heartbroken yet unsurprised reaction to her rejection not enough for you? was the whole backstory of a male channeler causing the apocalypse not enough for you? do you think that show-onlys are completely incapable of putting all these pieces together along with aes sedai treatment of male channelers and coming to the conclusion that male channelers are probably not very popular with most people and it's going to be very tough for rand that he is one?

literally what else should they have done that would make sense within the very small world and very early story of the first 2 seasons/3 books that they didn't already do? shown emond's fielders sitting around the dinner table talking about how much they hate and fear male channelers when none of them has ever met one and thus it's not relevant to their lives? wasted time doing a whole sidequest for rand in s2 where his abilities are discovered by some Average Citizens and they react badly? shit all over show!mat's characterization and given him a negative reaction to rand in s2 that would not make sense for his current show headspace, just for the sake of furthering rand's randpain? i'm sick of the rand stans who act like rand is the only character who matters and mat's characterization should be sacrificed just so we can go "oh poor rand uwu even his own best friend is mean to him". portraying mat in 2x06 as the sort of person who bullies and kicks his best friend while he's down would've been beneficial because......? what is so wrong with the show making the ef5 feel like mutually loyal friends instead of "rand is the best and most loyal friend in the world but the rest are little shits who abandon him as soon as the going gets tough"? seeing as in the books, mat continues to be an extremely loyal friend to rand throughout the series but most readers are too stupid to see through his unreliable narration and realize he doesn't mean it when he says that rand channeling is like him eating babies, i'm not surprised the show decided to simplify things in order to convey the true heart of mat's character (loyal and caring friend to rand) in a more obvious manner.

and i guarantee you that no show-only is going "oh, it's only aes sedai who have a problem with male channelers, everyone else thinks they're cool". that's not happening. show-onlys are not stupid, and they understand that male channelers are considered bad news by all; or maybe they haven't thought much yet about how male channelers are viewed by the average public, but in future seasons once we see rand getting shit from the average public, they are not going to be surprised or confused or go "but i thought it was only aes sedai who had a problem with them and everyone else thinks they're cool?", they're going to go "oh, well we've seen how much aes sedai hate them, so it makes sense that everyone else does too". stop. think for 2 seconds about "have i actually seen a large number* of show-onlys misunderstanding X and/or do i think it's plausible that a large number of show-onlys would be likely to misunderstand X, or do show-onlys have enough context clues to figure out X for themselves or to be unsurprised when X is expanded on and made more explicit in future seasons and i'm working myself up into a state over a non-issue?"

*there are always going to be a handful of people incapable of critical thinking who willfully misunderstand what the show is showing us, just like there are readers like that with the books, hence unless a LARGE number of general-population show-onlys are misunderstanding X, as opposed to just 20 idiots on twitter, i do not consider it a failure by the show in portraying X.

[superblysubpar]

My dear. I had a dream where I was at a bar with friends and a very nondescript male friend was getting majorly territorial but trying to be nonchalant about it when someone was chatting me up super casually and my friends were all like 👀 uhhh!!! Helloooo!!! and...I'll spare you the details but it was giving MAJOR midnight city Steve so I immediately have inserted *that* picture into my brainwaves and now I'm ready to have a good day.

Thank you for your service and for listening.

💋

(joe is still so sick for this picture. he belongs in prison for it. and bless you for sending this. Idk what happened. I haven't thought of midnight city steve in a bit, and this just...yeah. I need to revisit him more often I think 💛 My first modern boy!)

This is just a little blurb about midnight city!steve (modern!steve), you don't have to read Midnight City first for it to make sense, but can do so here. It was one of my first fics 💛

Steve fiddles with the cherry stem in his drink, jaw tense as he watches the bar.

"Jesus, who burnt your toast?"

Steve's brows furrow at the honey haired best friend sitting next to him who slurps something pink and sugary out of two lime green straws.

Robin’s blue eyes blink at him. She picks up one of the straws, she twirls it in his face, tone matter of fact. "It's a saying. People say that."

"No," Steve argues, his attention back on the bar, "They don't."

"Damn dude, who shit in your socks?" Eddie pokes at Steve's frown as he slides into the booth next to Robin.

Steve swats at the ring clad finger like a gnat as Robin snorts a laugh around her straws.

"I can't stand either of you."

Your head tilts back in a laugh. His jaw tenses.

Robin and Eddie let out a unison and drawn out, "Ohhhh."

"Aww Stevie's a little jealous. Cute." Eddie chuckles.

"So tall hunky model man shit in your socks and burnt your toast, huh?" Robin offers unhelpfully.

Tall hunky model man leans in and says something and you snort, hiding your face behind your hands as your body shakes with laughter.

The cherry stem snaps in half between Steve's fingers.

What the hell is so fucking funny?

"Steve, seriously," Robin begins, actually serious for once, "She's head over heels for you. You're being such a-"

Steve pushes out of the booth, and Robin speaks to the empty side, as Eddie gags on the brown liquid in his cup.

"Guy." She sighs.

"Fuck, this is disgusting. I hate whiskey. When will I learn." Eddie steals Robin's drink.

Meanwhile, you listen as Brody, a friend from college you've just ran into, tells you all about his daughters and the shenanigans they get into.

"But anyways, enough about my kids, Sarah says I need to re-learn normal conversation topics. What's new with you?"

You smile, patting his arm in assurance, "Please, I loved hearing about them. Nothing much I-"

Fingers scratch across your lower back and you turn, Steve stands next to you with a tense jaw.

"Hi," you smile, "There you are, this is-"

"Steve," his tone sharp, "The boyfriend."

He sticks his hand out politely, his manners not totally gone. Except the shake is a firm grip, dominating, before the hand finds its home on your lower back once more.

"Sorry, I've totally been monopolizing you, I gotta get back to my group too. It was so great seeing..." Brody goes in for the hug but falters when he sees the look on Steve's face, the way his fingers curl around your hip and pull you into his side. Brody does a sort of awkward wave instead and walks away.

"What the hell was that?" You laugh as Steve spins you to face him.

Your hands land on his chest as he swallows. Your eyes trace over the pout on his lips and the tense jaw dotted with stubble. The furrows forming between his brows.

Steve shrugs. "What are you talking about?"

"Steve," you mimic a man's voice, dropping yours to an amusing level, gruff, "The boyfriend."

Steve's lips twitch, but he shakes his head.

"I didn't-"

Your thumb swipes over his pout, fingers curling around his jaw so he'll look at you. Your warm smile melting him a little bit.

"Steve Harrington, were you a little jealous?"

His hands that had been fiddling with your belt loops slide around the curve of your waist, they drop to your ass, slipping into your back pockets and squeeze.

Your lip pulls between your teeth at the territorial grab. Your heart flutters in your chest as he hides his face in your neck, embarrassed and speaking softly against your skin. "I don't like how much he made you laugh."

His lips press a soft kiss to your throat, they linger, brushing over your skin as he speaks. "That's my laugh. My smile. My girl."

Your throat is dry at his words, thighs pressing together at the claim despite his ridiculous and unnecessary worry that you'd ever look at another man the same way as you do him.

Steve's breath is warm on the sensitive skin below your ear, driving a shiver up your spine when he presses a soft kiss there, waiting.

"Yours," you acknowledge as his tongue swipes over the spot, making your fingers curl in his shirt.

You've forgotten where you are, that you're not alone. And both of you freeze as a loud, unison call echoes across the fairly quiet bar.

"Get a room!"

[gingerylangylang1979]

Sick people are still sick, even if it's addiction or mental illness. We know that but we still don't think and act that way.

I've been wanting to post this for awhile but held back because it's a difficult topic but today I discovered some saddening news that made me feel it was time to talk about it. I'm not going to speak directly to that news or to any of the other situations I'm referencing. You can figure it out if you want but really it doesn't matter who the people are because the people can be anybody.

I'll start by saying I'm the child of a drug addict, my ex-boyfriend was an alcoholic, I've had many friends who have battled addiction and mental health issues. I was deeply hurt by growing up with an addict mother. It is the single most defining thing about me next to being a black woman. I am in my 40's and still grappling with the effects of growing up with her beside me and growing up with her absent from me. The abandonment, isolation, shame, uncertainty, fear, feelings of being cursed, never having normality, all of that will never leave me. All I can do is cope. And I experienced it all over again within a long term relationship in adulthood.

It's probably best that I was estranged from my mother. I know it's best that I left my ex for the last time. I didn't want those people in my live as they were and there was never any way to know if they would ever get better. My mother died. Not a drug related death, ironically she was killed by a drunk driver. Someone else's addiction took her. My ex is still living and the last I knew he was still drinking. A miracle could happen or he could drink the rest of his life.

But what I want to talk about is how we view these ill people. I hated my mother and my ex for a long, long time... until I didn't. That doesn't mean I'm not still angry or no longer hold them accountable. It just means I don't view them simply as my abusers and myself as their victim. It just means I had a shift, not only in how I see them but how I view all people. I had a religious/spiritual conversion at one of the darkest times of my life. Looking back I see that it happened shortly after I left my ex the last time and I was at a sort of rock bottom on every level. I won't go into the long story but will say I came out of the other side loving people. Not in a toxic positivity way, in a genuinely I value people and humanity was put here out of love, made with love, and we all deserve dignity and forgiveness, and can be redeemed no matter what. My whole worldview was rocked. It's a truly radical belief of my faith. Not the supernatural things. I think this because what the average person struggles with the most is just pure love for other people and love for themselves.

And when you view people with love, value life itself, all life, that you can look at a person who doesn't value their own well being and puts the well being of others, even those closest to them, in danger, and still say that person is a child of God who can be redeemed, who is not trash, who is not a loser.

And the funny thing is supposedly we are in a mental health awakening and supposedly see addiction and mental health ailments as sickness. But we still have a hard time accepting that when people are in the worst of their illness that they are indeed sick people. So we label, dismiss, and ridicule them. And if they are a celebrity, forget about it. We want to champion wellness, self care, and therapy but when someone actually desperately needs it and is struggling we shit on them.

I'm in no way saying all behavior is forgiven and there shouldn't be accountability. But after seeing some of what I've seen said recently and especially today it seems like people are just ready to tear someone's complete being down, not just condemn the behavior. I don't think my mom nor my ex were trash. They were deeply broken as we all are, in ways different from myself, or perhaps not and it just manifests in ways different than myself. It still hurts, it always hurts, but they were always hurting, too. It doesn't mean I needed to stay in a place they could hurt me but I didn't degrade their being in thought, speech, or action.

So these people don't deserve to have victims but they also don't deserve to be dehumanized.

We are all worthy of grace. So I'm going to continue to pray for healing of myself and those I know who are struggling.

[cowboyjen68]

Hi Jen! I recently turned 30 and have never been in a relationship

In highschool and university I was more focused on school and extracurricular activities, and relationships didn't interest me all that much. Looking back I think it was because I didn't realize I was a lesbian, and the idea of dating boys didn't seem appealing. And maybe others saw that, as I was never asked out (by any gender), and to my knowledge, no one ever took interest in me.

In my early-20s I became interested in dating once I figured out my sexuality, and tried a few dating apps and meeting new people. But nothing really came from it. I have zero experience in dating and flirting, and I have no idea what it's like to be romanced or flirted with. Just like in highschool and university, no one had ever asked me out or seem genuinely interested in me. The older I get and the more Valentine's day I see passing by as a single person, the less hopeful I feel.

It sounds silly and stupid, but I feel like I'm unlovable. Can't see a future where someone falls in love with me, and vice versa; it's so easy to just give up the hope that this loneliness will end.

I don't know what I'm asking for here - reassurance that I'm not alone in this? reassurance that I will be OK being alone? Are there others who went through similar situations and found happiness?

On a different topic: where did you get your rainbow frog necklace? I study frogs and have tried looking for that necklace everywhere.

Thank you so much!

The only dating I did in high school was with one boy whom I met at a campground one summer. He was perfect because I was not interested but also wanted to look like I liked boys. He lived about 40 minutes away and was a farm kid so our time together was very limited. It saved me from having to constantly make up excuses like “I am sick” or “I can’t kiss because I have a cold sore starting”. Any time we were together I ducked and dodged his advances and he was a gentleman about it, never pushing my boundaries. 

In college I finally admitted I liked women but was nowhere near confident enough to come out. I dated one boy, on one date and never was asked again, by man or woman which was disheartening on some level BUT also a relief because I was having fun with my friends (who were all dating off and on) and was not ready for any sort of relationship. I definitely didn’t want a boy asking me and girls scared the hell out of me. I have been told by many of my older lesbian (and some younger) friends that being intimidated by women, especially those we find attractive or interesting, is normal and expected for many of us. 

Lesbians are often way behind in dating etiquette and practice simply because we often don’t date in high school or college (at least not anyone we want to). We wait until young adulthood and independence to wade into the dating pool. Lacking dating or relationship experience seems more prevalent the older we are. But I have noticed some of the “in the middle” lesbians (30 to 40ish)  are really struggling with finding each other, dating and feeling confident enough to ask others out. It seems a fair amount of my friends find themselves single after a long relationship (often their first serious one) in that age bracket OR are just now coming out as “late in life lesbian” and have no idea how to even get started. 

I would say you are in good company no matter the reasons you haven’t been in a relationship. You could be dealing with any number of obstacles but the good news is you can handle them. You might be a bit intimidating, either from your stature or your confidence. You might be just limited in the amount of women you are exposed to therefore your dating pool is a bit stifled. Or you maybe just haven’t had the luck of meeting someone who was the right person at the right time. 

As per usual I would suggest getting to lesbian/women events. Try women’s festivals or local concerts featuring women singers or entertainers. These events will attract a wide array of lesbians and bi women and at least you could meet some more like minded women.  Just ask. If you see a woman at the gay bar or at a non profit fundraiser or at a concert, say hello and introduce yourself. At worst they aren’t interested and you have lost nothing but a minute. You might not end up on a date but you could make a new friend. 

The beauty of women’s festivals is that almost everyone there is lesbian or bi (not all but for once we are in the majority). AND it is perfectly acceptable to meet and make friends and the more you expand your friend circle the better for you. Many women meet compatible partners through other friends. 

Dating apps are an option. I can’t speak for them because I have not used one but I hear they are loaded with people looking for one night stands etc, which does not seem like what you are looking for at this stage in your life. So while they are an easy way to meet others looking to date you might have to wade through a lot of muck to find someone worthy of your time and energy.

It never hurts to ask friends to keep their eyes open. They might assume you are happily single and therefore don’t say anything but you never know who they know. You can do this and you will be fine. It just might take a little work putting yourself out there on social media, dating apps and at events. 

The necklace was made for me by my friend Weird Dan who was an artist and leathersmith. IT had to be reconditioned with new leather and some repair on the beads over covid. My girlfriend at the time found this little frog charm so when the repair was done I had it placed in the center. I have not taken it off for years except for the repairs. You can google “frog charm” or “antique silver frog charm pendant”  and some will come up. It is nothing expensive but I love it all the more because of who gave it to me. 

Remember  You deserve someone who has mutual passion and love for you. Don’t rush, don’t settle and be honest with yourself and you will be okay.

[yonpote]

I need to know why and how you were anti-phannie from 2014-2016

alright here we go i get to talk about THIS shit now.

i was generally anti-rpf at that point, and honestly? i think it was for fair enough reasons as some people were a bit too eager about showing (general) youtubers stories they wrote about them sucking and fucking their friends. i think i was also pretty high and mighty about being a somewhat oldhead phannie tbh, like ugh do these gaming-channel-only people even know about dan being super edgy and offensive 🙄 and lowkey it was a lot of subtly misogynistic "i'm not like other girls" type shit like i was sooo much better than yall cuz i hadn't watched that video (yet.)

i was generally not into these sorts of fandoms to begin with. i wasnt on the superwhopotterlock side, i was on the homestuck/dangan ronpa/anime of the month side of tumblr, if that gives you an idea of what i was like lol. around 2014-15 i was very much in a community that is kinda similar to what you might see on twitter now, where if you had any interests in media that portrayed anything problematic, that means you are in full support of that problematic thing. if dan howell said something racist in 2010, it doesn't matter that he wasn't being racist in 2015 he's still racist and liking him makes you a racist etc. and of course, rpf is included in problematic topics. if you ship real people, even if said people say they don't mind it, you are a sick pervert and you should be in the loony bin for being so depraved. and if you write or read any fiction that has immoral acts, it means you support those acts in real life too and you are trying to normalize abuse and SA (yknow as if whitecishetpatriarchy hasnt normalized that enough) and you're a danger to children and you deserve to rot in prison (yknow as if a queer person writing stories about queer people hasnt heard that one before)

now here's the real kicker. in 2015-2016 i ran a game grumps fan blog where i did talk about shipping the grumps. "wait how were you anti-rpf if-" well have you ever heard of this thing called Lying? or perhaps even, Cognitive Dissonance? i HAD to run a separate blog for this interest, because if my friends knew i consumed slashfic about arin and danny they would stop being friends with me and think im this evil horrible monster etc. genuinely that was where my brain was at, and is a little bit the reason i decided to this day, to make my phannie accounts completely separate from my main accounts.

nowadays, none of my non-phannie friends actually give a fuck and i do occasionally talk about dnp being silly gay white boys w them! at this point i dont post about em on main just out of respect like "hey im sure you dont actually want to hear about british yaoi constantly regardless of our level of friendship so i'll keep it over here okay?"

also, yeah i grew out of thinking consuming media with deplorable acts makes me deplorable. my favorite tv show is hannibal. i know its shocking, but i dont actually support serial killer cannibals. i will say, i dont fuck with "pro/anti" language with regards to what is considered "problematic" or having that be an identity marker. i think that people are free to write fiction as they please so long as its all properly tagged for people who dont enjoy that kind of content to avoid. but i also think there can be and often are problems in the way these stories are written, and yeah if all the romance stories you read growing up involve some sort of force or danger, that CAN normalize this sort of action as inherent to romance stories/real life romance. but i think thats an issue with like, society at large, and it's not on an individual fic writer to be educating teens who read their dead dove fic despite the explicit rating and tags.

TL;DR: BASICALLY. I WAS A DUMBASS KNOW-IT-ALL BUT DW I GOT BETTER.

[penrose78]

Hey I don't have a pinned.

Creature of many names, you can just go with Jay or Penrose.

Man/genderqueer/genderfluid/I don't fucking know you can ask for a more detailed breakdown if you care for some reason

Pansexual, demiromantic, demisexual(?)

He/him, they/them, xe/xem/xyr are all good, thinking about it/its (in a sort of cryptid sense) so I'm just gonna leave that at "only if we're close or you are also of unusual gender"

I'll list all my media interests as I think of them but here's a quick overview of things I like (note that I believe in piracy and consuming media critically, although media which is actively used to further the creator's negative influence like HP is best avoided altogether.)

Pathologic

Fear and Hunger

The Good Place

Bojack Horseman

Rick and Morty (to be fair, you have to have a very h- *gunshot*)

Hazbin Hotel/Helluva Boss (frankly I don't fuck with the fandom for the most part, some of y'all are fucking assholes)

I'll remember the rest later.

I don't really care who interacts with my posts unless you're *insert long list of people who would actively ignore a DNI anyways* but I'm not gonna interact with you if you post excessively about any of the following:

Ship discourse from either side. I don't fucking care.

Anti-kink discourse and other puritan bullshit (discussing the time and place is a worthwhile topic but ultimately nothing a person thinks about or acts out with a properly consenting partner can be morally wrong and even if it is unhealthy in the way kink sometimes can be it is still their choice to make, put down your binoculars and let people do what they want in their own space)

"You're a bad person if you consume X media" (see my above stance, some exceptions depending on how aggressive your take is.)

Pointless semantic debates and infighting (if you get weirdly up in arms about things like "is transandrophobia real" or the definition of a lesbian or any of that shit I am sick of hearing about it. I absolutely have my own stances about these things and there's plenty of valuable discussion to be had but you guys are not being normal about it)

Shit that's blatantly exclusionary (anyone else seeing a lot of intersexism around here these days?)

System/plural discourse

Leftist voter infighting (as in, if you are a "vote blue no matter who" person who is really aggressive about hating people who vote third party or vice versa, personally I'm still working out where I stand on this but ultimately we need to fix the system in which people are left with no good choices rather than attacking people for which bad choice they think is the best. Obviously this doesn't extend to Trump voters, I will genuinely never speak to a Trump voter unless I have to.)

I'll add more as I think of them

I'm all ears if anyone wants to have a normal conversation or debate on any of these topics or just hear my stance but I don't want it all popping up on my dash when I'm looking at memes so don't be surprised if I block you for posting a 50 page essay on why depicting any mildly upsetting thing in any piece of media will directly result in countless people committing horrible crimes or why TME trans people are actually not oppressed at all or if you vote for Kamala Harris you want to suck nazi dick (these examples are only like 20% exaggerated btw I've seen almost these exact takes jesus christ)

[duhragonball]

Hi! I wanna preface this by saying this isn’t a request for a liveblog, but just a recommendation for some light reading. There’s a comedy-action series currently running called Mashle: Magic and Muscles. It’s basically just taking the piss out of Harry Potter (mocking the house system, blatantly unfair classes, and just general story structure) in a sort of ‘One Punch Man’ way. It’s a lot of fun and doesn’t take long to get through at all.

I may check that out some time, but from my point of view, taking the piss out of Harry Potter is like shooting fish in a barrel. I shot the hell out of that barrel years ago, and I'm not sure there's much more appeal to be had in seeing it done again. Mashle is probably really good, but I'd probably have enjoyed it more in 2010 than in 2021.

Part of what sucked the wind out of my sails was when JKR went full-transphobe a few years ago, and it started to realize that all the pathetic asshole characters she wrote were a reflection of her own character. Snape was ultimately on the good guys' side, but he still betrayed Lupin just to be a colossal dick. Umbridge was more concerned about sorting her doilies and imposing order on others than in any sort of compassion or moral ideology. Gilderoy Lockhart was a narcissist social climber, desperate to hijack any conversation and make it about himself.

Fans want to compare JKR to Hermione, mostly for lack of any prominent female characters, but Hermione's no saint either. She spent all of Book 3 using time travel to take all of her classes, but she still talked shit about Trelawny for daring to suggest that a person could magically see into the future. Never mind that Trelawny had actually done it before, and got tenure teaching it as a recognized subject. I'm not saying Trelawny was good at her job, but you've got some girl saying "Um, actually, I think I know a little bit more about your life experiences than you do, so I'm going to do everything in my power to discredit you."

Sound familiar?

I'm sorry for going off on a tangent here. You're just recommending some manga to me, and I appreciate it, but I've had this on my mind for a while. Here's the thing I can't get out of my head: Nick Gage robbed a bank.

Let me explain. Nick Gage is a professional wrestler, specializing in "deathmatch" wrestling, where weapons are legal. One time he was pronounced legally dead during a match, because there was broken glass everywhere and he got hurt and I'm not sure I know or want to know the full story. But he got better and he's still alive today. Somewhere in between, he had some hard times and ended up robbing a bank and going to prison for five years.

But Gage is a folk hero, and I admire the man, in part because he appreciates his fans for supporting him. All of his fans, including the LBGTQ+ ones. On July 7, 2020, he cut this awesome promo declaring that trans rights are human rights. He's not sitting on a golden throne, spewing a bunch of bullshit pseudo-biology to millions of followers. He's just speaking from the heart. I think this was one of those deals where you pay someone to do a video greeting, but he went on to add that he would have said this for free, because he believes it. Here's another video where he explains why this is so important to him.

Rowling, and a lot of her characters, they always seem to "punch down", taking shots at people in worse circumstances than themselves. Nick Gage doesn't do that, probably because he's been about as down as it gets, and he knows what that's like. He knows other people have it tough and he has enough empathy to respect what other people are going through. I heard JKR was an unemployed single mother once, but it's hard to tell if she remembers any of that.

This is why I get a little nervous when I hear people talk about things being "wholesome" or "family friendly" or whatever. Because what they usually mean is that they want things to be sanitized, uncomplicated and unchallenging. I never liked the way people put Harry Potter on a pedestal of literature, perfect for young children and college classrooms alike. It carries this broad appeal, and I fear that's because it doesn't really have anything to say, no bold demand that would upset anyone. I mean, there's an implied message about the evils of classism, but Rowling doesn't seem to believe it if she's willing to turn against some of her most vulnerable fans for TERF clout.

Then they made some Harry Potter video game for PS5 or whatever, and all these fans are like "Gosh, I'd like to stop giving this hateful woman more money, but I'm afraid I simply cannot help but answer the call to Diagon Alley once more." It's gutless. You've got generations of people reading these books and the books aren't even that good, and nobody learns anything from them except how to spend more money on this shit. Nick Gage wrestles in broken glass for a living and he gets it, so why can't anyone else?

I'm sorry, I sort of hulked out there for a bit. I guess what I'm trying to say is that Mashle is probably a lot of fun, but it probably doesn't operate on this level, where all the characters are jerks and society is worse off for their introduction into Western Canon. But I might still check it out sometime.

[giomagnetism]

ask game time!! For marlo: 8, 9, 36, 40. And for rome: 20, 27. and for you: J

[uncommon oc questions!!]

20. If they were asked to explain the difference between romantic and platonic or familial love, how would they do so?

from her own experience, she’d have nowhere to start. most of her damage is she hasn’t had the luxury of unconditional love, and she’s half-convinced it doesn’t exist at all, that others are just mistaking it for something else.

her familial situation is built out of obligation more than anything else. she cares about her family, of course, but her relationship with them is transactional at best. her best brush with familial love is her old friend group, which she would also categorize as platonic; she’d say it’s the bond formed by growing up with someone.

she doesn’t have the first clue what romantic love is like; her definition is informed by what she thinks she should think, so she’d say it’s the desire for ‘normal couple stuff’. cuddling, kissing, wanting to spend your life together. she sure doesn’t experience that, but it is what it is. and platonic love, she’d figure it was just another term for friendship; she’d trip over the concept altogether—‘What do you mean there’s a word for that? You mean I can just love someone, no strings attached?’

27. What causes them to feel dread?

the notion of trusting someone else unconditionally, again, is a big one. rome has spent a lot of her life waiting for the other shoe to drop and it’s usually someone else’s fault: her sister tokyo’s existence, her father leaving, marlo’s bizarre change in personality, her ex-girlfriend mei deciding that rome wasn’t enough anymore, her mother paris’ cutting off her monetary support. rome doesn’t have a lot of friends not because she isn’t social, but because she doesn’t like to invest in others.

the other thing is being watched, or maybe being consumed like a piece of media or meat; rome works as a model, but the notion of existing as anything less than her whole self—only as what someone else wants out of her—in someone else’s mind makes her sick. she can’t escape the idea that she’s only worth something when she’s wanted, no matter how much she doesn’t want it to be true. there’s also more garden-variety stuff like marlo loving to get themself in life-threatening situations and rome preferring they, despite their best efforts, stay alive.

(marlo’s questions under the cut ‘cause they’re a bit long!)

8. What were they told to stop/start doing most often as a child?

this question is uncanny 'cause it gets at, like, the inciting incident of ALL their problems lol. marlo's mom had some very specific ideas of how marlo was to act and what she was to do—most of which were informed by octarian diligence, so 'slacking off' was not allowed in marlo's vocabulary. (and that attitude went on to affect a lot of things, including marlo's aptitude for the singleplayer campaign.)

the answer is a lot of things, but the most common and symptomatic one was stop getting dirt and grass all over your white skirts. marlo loved to run around in the wilderness in which they lived and would return home filthy and scraped-up, a fact neither of their parents liked very much, until they were prevented from going outside without supervision entirely.

9. Do they swear? Do they remember their first swear word?

i direct you to: this post

i'm not gonna lie, marlo's love affair with swearing is a topic i could talk about for an inordinately long time, but i'll stay on topic lol. they most certainly do, though not as much as they used to. they're also the sort of person who was raised to think that swearing is "morally bad"—which they still believe to some extent—and didn't have a lot of actual exposure to it until moving into the city. then they learned the bulk of their vocabulary from a bunch of new yorkers and, later, rome; i'm willing to bet they didn't swear until they were in the domes where no one could overhear them. (they don't, but it was probably something british.)

36. Do they actively seek romance, or do they wait for it to fall into their lap?

more of a middle ground, where they don't use dating apps or anything but would ask out a barista on the spot. marlo falls in love often but shallowly, the type to crush on anyone who is remotely nice to them, but doesn't like to pursue anything further—that's the inherent contradiction of self-loathing and believing you're fundamentally abusive and unlovable, baby! in a sense, they're proactive about it. they just don't think it'll go anywhere.

it doesn't help that marlo isn't trying to find romance, they're trying to find someone who can fix them. in fact, they're rather prone to falling out of love if or when their object of affection reciprocates. marlo has a very narrow, warped definition of romantic love and tends to confuse a lot of other things for it and it for a lot of other things; to say there's a lot to unpack there is an understatement.

40. How sensitive are they to their own flaws?

again, there's two dimensions to this question. marlo does not rank high in the self-awareness department, but they're very eager to beat themself up, and the result is a person with a lot of real flaws and a lot of backwards concepts of what those flaws are. marlo recognizes they've got some abusive patterns of behavior, and then is like, 'i must find another person to make them fix it for me'. for all their carefully-constructed exterior and practiced dispositions, marlo doesn't know how to be anything but honest; they're very self-conscious of their own flaws but just manage to make them more prominent in trying to compensate.

they'll also lean into and/or entirely ignore those flaws when it suits them—namely, in a bout of self-loathing when they want to convince themself those flaws are the only truth.

J. Did you have to manipulate or exclude canon factors to allow them to create their character?

this one sounds like a callout . /lh

i would like to say no but realistically, it depends on your definition, so... make of it what you will. i basically transplanted the environments and structure of the campaign wholesale from the games, but the crux of marlo’s character (and everyone else, as a result, lmao) lies on the fact that the octarians don’t respawn, which is a dubious conclusion at best. there’s also a few things exclusive to the english translation that i’ve built on or stuff that’s contradicted by scraps of lore from interviews but again, ymmv.

i ABSOLUTELY manipulated oe canon, because 1. i think Agent 3′s cameo is trite and 2. it wasn’t in-character for marlo, especially at the time. all my changes to that are back-door, though; i.e. canon doesn’t tell us how Agent 3 acquired the employee CQ-80 for sure, marina’s just speculating. are the implications of them acquiring it legitimately batshit insane? Yes! will that stop me? No!

firstly, i created marlo before splat2 released and like to stick with the tone i originally envisioned, and secondly, i’m not so worried about sticking to the letter of canon as i am having fun with it and fleshing out my characters. i do like to adhere to it best i can, for the challenge if nothing else, like... you know this post about canon compliance? marlo ticks basically all of those boxes.

[charlie-writes1]

Valentine

By: @charlie-writes1

Writing Masterlist

Fandom: My hero academia

Ship: KiriBaku

Warnings: Swearing, gay

Word count: 2,354

Posted: 27.4.21

a/n I got this idea from a comic I saw a long time ago (like a year or two), I don't know who created it and I only ever saw a few short panels. If someone knows the comic please please please tell me because I want to link it! As I said I only ever saw a few short panels so minus a very short scene that I tweaked to be my own the rest of the story is mine. (Characters belong to the respectful creator)

-Summary-

Today is the day! Kirishima was going to ask out his crush. That is... he was going to ask him out, but someone beat him to the punch and he didn't think he had any chances left.

"Yo! Baku wait up!" Kirishima yelled, running up behind his explosive friend.

"What do you want Shitty Hair?" Bakugo grumbled. He didn't even spare Kirishima a glance as the redhead swung an arm playfully around his shoulder, topical interaction for the two students.

"Well, I was wondering- uhh-" Kirishima stared as he fiddled with a small box in his pocket. He took a deep breath, about to speak again but was cut off.

"U-umm excuse m-me? B-Bakugo?" A timid voice came from behind the two. They turned to see one of the 1-C students. She had orange hair that had been shaved on one side of her head while the rest of it covered her left eye. She was shorter than the two boys so Bakugo was literally and figuratively looking down at her.

"Damn extra, what do you want?" Bakugo grumbled, not in the mood to have to talk with people he didn’t know or care about.

She looked at the ground and Kirishima noticed she was holding a nicely wrapped box with a small heart-shaped card on top. "I-I w-was wondering, w-well I mean I umm-"

"Just spit it out, I'm going to be late for class," Bakugo snapped.

"I would like you to accept my feelings and be my Valentine!" She bowed and held out the box for Bakugo. Kirishima stared at the small gift, it was similar to the one he was just about to give the blond moments ago before she cut him off.

"Tsk, and why would I do that? I don't even know you," Bakugo told her. “You’re just some extra.”

"B-but-" In reality, they had had a few classes together, sometimes their classes work together in different subjects, not often but it happens, especially when a teacher had to take the day off for hero work or a sick day.

"Besides, I'm trying to become a hero, I don't have time for stupid distractions like a girlfriend, though I guess you wouldn't know much about becoming a hero since you're in general studies.” Bakugo’s voice was cold as ice. Even Kirishima thought it was harsh, even for Bakugo.

"Bro, that's not nice..." Kirishima said quietly. He didn't know how to feel, Bakugo was rejecting her, therefore he still sort of had a chance, but the way he had said it... 'I don't have time for stupid distractions like a girlfriend' that probably went for boyfriends as well.

"Tsk whatever, come on Shitty Hair we're going to be late for class," Bakugo grumbled turning back around and walking towards their class. He didn’t even spare a glance back at the girl who just stood there staring at the ground, shoulders shaking ever so slightly as she tried to hold in her tears. Kirishima gave a sympathetic look to the girl who had just had her heartbroken, she looked like she was about to cry, and truthfully, Kirishima was right there with her, Bakugo had indirectly said he wouldn't date him.

"Yeah, I'm coming," Kirishima muttered, turning back around to follow Bakugo. He gripped the box in his pocket and shook his head trying to forget about it. There’s no point in giving it to him now, not now that he knew what the reaction would be.

Kirishima couldn't get his mind off the scene from that morning all class. "I don't have time for stupid distractions like a girlfriend." Was it a stupid distraction? Was dating someone really just a distraction when they were training to be heroes? Even if both had their minds set on the same goal?

"Kiri? You okay bro?" Kaminari asked as they stood in line for their lunch food. "You've been extremely spaced out all day, did something happen?" It wasn’t normal for Kirishima to not at least try and crack a few jokes, so when he had barely even spoken three sentences... his friend had gotten worried.

The redhead looked up to his friend, getting pulled out of his daze a little too quickly. "What? Yeah, I'm fine, why wouldn't I be?" Kirishima asked, flashing one of his signature smiles, but it didn't quite reach his eyes like it usually did, and the blond could tell. Kaminari gave him a look that seemed to say, 'yeah right, you're not okay.' "Okay fine, maybe I'm not completely okay," Kirishima admitted, looking down at the floor.

“So what’s bothering you?” He asked, tilting his head to the side a little.

"Can we talk about it after we get our food?" Kirishima asked, he didn't need anyone else listening in on their conversation. If someone heard... it didn't matter if UA was generally really good when it came to queer kids, Kirishima didn’t know what he would do if it got out that he had the biggest crush on the most explosive person in the school.

Kaminari smiled a little, "sure thing." They got their food and Kirishima led his friend out of the cafeteria to talk. He made sure that they were far enough away that no one would hear them before turning a corner and sitting against the wall. "So what's got you all down in the dumps? Girl troubles?" Kaminari asked jokingly.

Kirishima stared at him for a moment. "It's not girl troubles, Kaminari, I'm gay," he told him. Had he not told Kaminari, one of his closest friends, that he was gay?

Kaminari's face went red with embarrassment, "man I got to stop assuming this stuff, first Mina and now you, totally cool with it though don't get me wrong," Kaminari started to ramble. "Anyways what was it?"

Kirishima took out the box from his pocket. "I was going to confess today," he muttered, handing the small box over to his friend.

Kaminari took the box and turned it over a couple times in his hand. It was wrapped in shiny orange and black wrapping paper, though there was about half a roll of tape trying to hold it together. 'Be my Valentine?' had been written across the top in sharpie. You could tell he was trying to keep it neat, though it didn't work. "So what happened?"

——

Bakugo had noticed that Kirishima had been acting strangely after that morning, though he couldn't figure out why. It was almost like the redhead was avoiding him. No nagging for him to hang out with the self-proclaimed “Bakusquad” no arm being randomly thrown over his shoulder, no “Bakubro!” Being yelled, while he tried to do his work. It was too quiet.

When he noticed Kirishima and Kaminari leaving the cafeteria instead of sitting with their friends like usual, Bakugo got even more suspicious. He couldn’t remember a day that the two didn’t sit with the others, so he went to investigate.

He left enough space between them so the two in front wouldn't notice they were being followed. When they turned the corner and sat against the wall, Bakugo waited just on the other side to listen in.

No, Bakugo was not one to usually eavesdrop, but he wanted to know what was going on. Though he may not say it, Kirishima was his best friend, and maybe even more than that to the blond. He wanted to make sure Kirishima was okay.

"So, what's got you all down in the dumps? Girl troubles?" Kaminari's voice came.

Bakugo couldn't imagine Kirishima having girl troubles, it just didn't make sense to him. He didn’t know if it was because the redhead had never shown much interest in any girls or if it was because Bakugo thought Kirishima was nearly perfect in every way, having girl troubles just didn’t fit with his character.

There was a small silence, "It's not girl troubles, Kaminari, I'm gay."

Bakugo was shocked to say that least, though that would explain why he never showed any interest in girls like Kaminari or some of the other boys in their class had. He would not have pegged Kirishima as gay. But he couldn't help but feel happy about that.

Kaminari began rambling about something before asking again what was happening.

"I was rejected," Kirishima said. He sounded hurt, he sounded broken, he sounded like it was going to take years to build him back up again.

"By who?" Kaminari asked with a bit of worry in his voice.

"Well, it wasn't direct, but he made it clear that he didn't have time for a relationship," Kirishima muttered almost too quiet for Bakugo to hear.

"Who was it?" Kaminari asked again. His answer was too quiet for Bakugo. But whatever he said shocked Kaminari. "What? Him? He’s so... How?"

"Oh shut up," Kirishima said. Bakugo imagined him rolling his eyes. "He's not that bad," he continued. "I just, can't get his words out of my head.”

"What'd he say?"

"Just that he didn't have time for relationships, and that he had to focus on school."

The words began to click in Bakugo's head. If he wasn't trying to stay hidden right now he would be cursing at himself for being so stupid and saying something like that in front of Kirishima. He realized the way he turned down that girl made him think there was no chance when in reality Bakugo had turned her down because he liked Kirishima in a way he's never liked, anyone. This explosive Pomeranian was gay as well for his best friend.

He had to find a way to make it up to him somehow, make sure he knows that he still had a chance... but how?

"Well, he's a dick for saying that," Kaminari said. "Well, he's a dick in general-

"Kami," Kirishima cut him off, not very amused. "I'm not in the mood for that right now," He muttered.

"Right, sorry," Kaminari said.

Bakugo had heard enough and went back to the cafeteria. "I'm so fucking stupid," he muttered under his breath.

——

When school ended, Kirishima was going to head straight home. All his friends had plans so there was no point in going anywhere else, that is until he was yanked aside by the explosive blond he had been avoiding all day.

"Bakugo what are you-"

"Shut up and follow me Shitty Hair," Bakugo grumbled, pulling at Kirishima's arm for him to follow.

Kirishima stayed quiet and followed Bakugo around to the side of the school. He wasn't sure what to expect but what happened next was not it.

Bakugo stopped and turned to Kirishima. Staring at the ground he started talking. "I fucking messed up and I feel like fucking shit for saying what I said so I..." he trailed off. Shoving his hand in his pocket he pulled out a slightly wrinkled card. "JUST FUCKING READ THIS," Bakugo said shoving the card in Kirishima's hand.

Kirishima was shocked and looked down at the card. It had originally said "to Shitty Hair" in Bakugo's handwriting but then it was crossed out and replaced with "to Kirishima Eijiro."

He looked up at the blond confused. "Just fucking read it," Bakugo grumbled, a small blush crossing his cheeks as he continued staring at the ground, his hands finding their way back in his pockets.

Opening the card Kirishima read out loud. "'I don't have time for a stupid girlfriend, but maybe I can make time for a stupid shitty-haired boyfriend?' Bakugo what is th-" he was cut off by Bakugo grabbing his shirt caller and pulling him into a rough kiss.

Kirishima was too shocked to do anything. The note he was holding fell to the ground and he wasn't sure where to put his hands.

"Just shut up, I heard you talking with sparky, I'm sorry you thought I didn't want a relationship," Bakugo muttered when he pulled away. "I'm gonna sound fucking cheese and you're not allowed to tell anyone I said this, but you're the only person I can imagine being with."

Kirishima was shocked, taking a long moment to process what he was being told before a huge grin formed across his lips. He let out a small laugh before pulling Bakugo back into a kiss.

"You're the only person I can imagine being with too, Bakugo," Kirishima said pulling away slightly and resting his forehead on Bakugo's. "Even if you are loud and explosive," he laughed.

"So? Will you be my Valentine?" He sounded so cheese saying that, but honestly, at that moment, he couldn't care less.

"Of course, Bakugo Katsuki, of course," Kirishima said smiled. "Oh, I almost forgot, I have this for you," he said pulling back and taking a small box out of his pocket.

Bakugo took the box, looking up at Kirishima a little confused. The redhead motioned for Bakugo to open the box and unwrapped it before sliding the top off. The blond found a pack of cinnamon candy hearts, pokey and... "dog tags?" Bakugo asked pulling out the long chain that had two of what looked like military dog tags dangling from it.

Kirishima looked a little flustered. "I knew you weren't big on jewellery, but I thought you'd like these so I got them custom ordered," he explained. "One has your name and the other has mine. I-it's fine if you don't like it, I just wanted to get you something special."

Without a word, Bakugo slipped it on over his head and tucked it into his shirt. "Stop rambling. It's cool," Bakugo said, a light shade of pink on his cheeks as his eyes drifted to the side. Kirishima smiled. "I feel bad I didn't get you anything," Bakugo muttered.

"W-well it's not necessary, I just wanted to do something and-"

"I know," Bakugo said cutting Kirishima off. "You're free tonight, right?" He asked. Somehow Bakugo seemed a lot calmer and somehow softer as well. "I'll take you to dinner."

Kirishima's cheeks burned. "Y-you don't have to," Kirishima said. "R-really."

"I want to," Bakugo said. "Come on Kiri, I'll walk you home so you can get changed."

Bakugo started walking off and it took Kirishima a moment to register what just happened and follow. "R-right!" He said running a little to catch up.

He was happy it all worked out.

[fairycosmos]

Hello babes what's your take on YouTube?Like the influencer culture and all?My sister is kinda obsessed with this YouTuber lol and talks about her life and I'm like DONE but also I feel so bad for not having that much money,earning it from YouTube etc and she is younger than me but her life is better and I'm poor and unemployed?Like I don't like influencer culture but it does affect me to see those people and I'm like wow I'm just slaving away for nothing?sjsjsj sorry this is just out of nowhere

honestly…..i just…..there is so much i want 2 say because it’s such an expansive topic and there’s so many different faucets of it like……i tend to think it’s just a more relatable and therefore more toxic version of celebrity worship/stanning, but. i’ll just start with the fact that i also went through a phase of idolizing youtubers when i was 13 in like 2013 and even back then it was a completely ridiculous and unhealthy internet landscape to be involved in but now it’s…..a MILLION times worse :/ because it’s so normalized even though it’s more of a ‘business’ than it’s ever been. what i want to know is who decided these public figures would get paid such a ridiculous amount for such little work/effort……who decided these absolute caricatures of people should set the standard for the youth……do they idolize them out of jealously, loneliness, boredom, just because they’re there and they’re pushed down our throats? what IS it? could it be curiosity and liking having someone to make fun of? or could it be enjoying the feeling of having a harmless best friend in the form of a 30 year old adult talking to a camera and selling their sense of reality/morality for financial gain? could it be for a sense of guidance and companionship that they dont have in their actual lives? a sense of identity? cause it seems like most ppl, even teenagers/kids, are aware that these influencers are absolutely not representative of reality or of what’s obtainable. but they still, even on a subconscious level, strive to be like them. to live an instagram highlight reel lifestyle, all of the time. i think it’s so deeply ingrained in ppl my age and younger now, we’ve been shaped by it. our core beliefs about wealth and beauty have been manipulated by those we’ll never ‘be like’. :/ and they rely on that public insecurity to make a profit. but yeah, the rest of us are working crappy jobs to never see even a quarter of the amount that these internet ppl make and yet they still try to play the game as if they’re just like everyone else, as if they’re uwu struggling too uwu……and it’s awful because the younger we are when we’re absorbed into this, the harder is it to see what’s toxic and what’s not. there ARE loads of genuinely talented online content creators, and i enjoy many even as an adult, but when you look at the bigger picture - how many of them are simply exploiting both their audience and themselves (through drama or for money or for attention) simply because that’s the person their job has allowed them to be? it’s like they’re stuck as perpetually shallow 17 yos and THATS their work. and then they preach to us as if they’re the pinnacle of well…..anything except unnecessary wealth. hgjfkdlsgf i dont blame you at all for feeling bitter about it. honestly, it’s not the norm to make a lot of money on youtube for people our age. it just gets talked about a lot to so it seems more common than it really is. but a lot of those people come from privileged backgrounds already, thats how they gain admiration from any sort of audience to begin with. it’s pretty sick, but try not to compare yourself to them as it’ll do you no good. what really matters is working with what’s in your own control. trying to be a decent person, trying to grow in the right way n trying to treat yourself with kindness. these youtubers have all of the money and to an extent all of the (means to be) happy that they need, but their poisonous environments and mentalities are probably preventing them from evolving or finding any sort of inner peace. unless they’re actively working to fight that, which some of them are, but the majority don’t seem to be…..anyway i hope your sister grows out of the phase and i’m sure it’s just a matter of time, anyway. it’s normal to be enamored with such displays of grandeur when you’re young, but then eventually we realize that…..thats really all there is. and to the adult mind, it gets boring. or infuriating! :/

[fangirlinginleatherboots]

I'm not sure if you're awake right now but I wanna ask, can you describe some things your ocd causes(I don't know if that's a good word to use but it's all I can think of) you to do? I'm wanting to write a story involving a character with ocd, while I'm doing research I remembered (I might be wrong though so feel free to correct me) that I think you said somewhere before you had it and since you kind of inspire me to go after things I thought I ask. If it's too personal feel free to delete!

Also, ocd story anon, I read that trauma can be a cause of ocd, do you believe that your ocd could've come from your trauma?

This is a very very long response going into a few of my (and some alters) OCD traits and some reasoning behind them and the range of responses I have to various triggers. It actually helps me analyze my traits better when ppl ask stuff like this so I may have gone overboard as stuff kinda clicked in my brain but hopefully somewhere in here you will get your answer.

So, I’m going to start with the last question first. MY OCD was not caused by my trauma, however my traumas have completely shaped my compulsions and obsessions to a point where my OCD traits are almost inseparable from my PTSD. See, I’m autistic, and OCD is part of this co-morbidity package a lot of autistic people end up with, to a point where the co-morbid disorders are often not even diagnosed after the autism is because its that common. (They’ll diagnose separately if you need treatment for one of them. like the reason i have ADHD and OCD listed as dx’s is because the doctors count them separately on me bc i need medication for them, but they’re extremely common to the point of being expected with most ASD dxs)

Yes, I have OCD and have always had, but my trauma caused so much anxiety that the disorder reshaped itself around specific triggers. There are many layers to my OCD, it’s actually a strange sort of nonspecific looking presentation because of how many alters also have OCD, so it becomes difficult to tell who has which O and C thus there being a lot of inconsistency in whether or not a trigger affects me.

It’s also worth nothing that some doctor’s feel that I fit under the specific label of “scrupulosity” or rOCD (Religious OCD) because of how much of my stuff revolves around religion. I don’t always agree that it’s this because while my O and C are based on religious themes, I don’t believe in the concepts behind the things. I believe most of the religious stuff is just from religious trauma.

On one layer, I have a number obsession. There are certain numbers that are tolerable, a few that are “cursed,” and one that is “blessed” and one that is “perfect.” I will do anything to change things to match my blessed and perfect numbers. I will even fudge the truth a little (not a lie, often an exaggeration, by about one or two digits) to make something fit those numbers. To randomly come across a cursed number or even just a slightly intolerable one, makes me very anxious and can shape how i spend my day and how much time i spend with my better numbers. The way my trauma shaped this compulsion was that my numbers tie to religious stuff, since my traumatic environment was often religious, or trauma would be inflicted with religious reasons.

There is an alter that has a compulsion to say a prayer. When we have intrusive thoughts (which you super need to research if you’re writing OCD bc it is a KEY PART of the disorder but ill go into it later here), someone starts reciting the prayer. Sometimes I will as well just because it’s easier to go along with it. Not completing the prayer is not an option. I mean that with absolutely every intent. Not completing the prayer is NOT AN OPTION. It does elieviate some background anxiety, so whoever is dealing with that is being helped by the compulsion, but it is extremely frustrating and upsetting, especially since i am as non-religious as i can possibly manage to be. The prayer is also said whenever something is uneasy or something triggers specific flashbacks.

One of the most obviously noticeable and upsetting for all involved O and C is being “dirty.” There’s a VERY wide range of triggers here, from actually dirty/germy/unclean things, to unpleasant/intolerable sensory triggers, all the way to conceptual dirtiness like sin, virginity, and lying. This can affect me subtly sometimes, like how i compulsively tell the truth and over share so that i feel clean or how i cannot go to sleep after a fight if it has not been resolved. (”never go to bed angry” they said, well shit now i literally cant cool.) This can also hit me violently and to a point where I am a danger to myself. I worked at a movie theater for a summer some time ago and touched something that was a bad sensory feeling while cleaning a dirty theater. I then proceeded to scrub my hands in near-boiling water for almost fifteen minutes in the break room, broke down sobbing, and when I got home i sat under very very hot water in the shower until my skin was raw and red for days. It doesn’t often get to that point, but when it does, I’ve been held down for my own safety since I’ll literally rip my skin and bite myself to punish myself for being dirty. It is frequently bad enough that I will let myself do something “dirty” as a form of self harm since it seriously makes me miserable and sick. This stuff comes both from religious trauma and from just....crappy normal autism feelings and manifests as my most disabling OCD trait.

There are other things like closing drawers and straightening and arranging things that are done to feel that I am being “good” because of reprimands I received in the past that made me feel like I am “bad.” I am sometimes able to not act on these compulsions, though it takes conscious effort to choose not to. Whether or not this stems from trauma doesn’t really matter to me. I know that most of the fronting alters have these “little OCDs” be it through me or for their own reasons. Tia for instance has to keep things in the kitchen a certain way and Phoebe has to complete certain physical activities a certain way or else she gets upset or feels she did a very bad job/failed.Since I’m really just. going at this question lmao lets talk a little about intrusive thoughts. Intrusive thoughts are upsetting/disturbing/unacceptable thoughts you do not take pleasure in. For me, a few of them make me feel dirty, which triggers my compulsions very badly. Some relate to trauma, others don’t make sense. There are very common ones such as urges to kill or mutilate self or others, urges to do disastrous things (like causing a huge car accident), urges to do disgusting sexual acts (to self or others, often to unacceptable people like children, elders, and the undesired sex), urges to become a serial killer/rapist/shooter/etc, and other such painfully upsetting things such as those. These are often what fuel the obsessions in OCD and the compulsions are to make these thoughts stop or hurt less. Personally, I get a lot of sexual ones because of how poorly the topic was handled in my childhood. I get ones about elaborately slaughtering a specific abuser, about doing things that will kill me, about mutilating myself and mutilating pets (those are the ones that fuck me up the most i think), and about doing very destructive things that would harm a lot of people. I also get some about terrorism happening where I am, but that one is FOR SURE a trauma thing so maybe it could just be my PTSD. 

Intrusive thoughts occur with a LOT of different disorders!!!!! It’s just OCD when you have compulsions to cope with them. Even then, it has to be a certain way for it to qualify.

I hope I was able to give you somewhere to start in terms of information. OCD is a very big disorder and is a major reason why I’m unable to function in a workplace environment. I didn’t go into the specifics of every compulsion, but if you have questions, I don’t mind talking about this stuff. It helps me process it to explain it to others and I end up healing a little through oversharing I think.

[demonofthelight]

Life stories: Simon Clarke

Joanne (presenter): What keeps you awake at night, like what do you regret the most?

Simon: I don't know if I regret anything because everything teaches you something. Everything we go through is a lesson in life.

Joanne: That's the diplomatic response. What's the real response? If you could change something what would be?

Simon: There's this girl, anyone that listens to this podcast regularly probably knows all about her. Well, I can't regret us ending, because she's getting married in, what's the date? She's getting married in less than a month and she's meant to be happy so I don't regret us ending. I regret being so unimportant in her eyes that we don't still speak. I regret that, more than anything. I don't know if she was the 'one' but she was a friend. A friend I will forever adore.

Joanne: Does that keep you awake at night.

Simon: I wouldn't go that far but there are days I wonder about her.

Joanne: If she was watching this show, what would you say to her?

Simon: I'm sorry I never made her happy and I'm sorry she felt pressured by me. There's this story where a mutual friend once told me, this girl who I don't want to name Joanne, I really don't. You've shown pictures there but she doesn't look the same anymore not even the same coloured hair. Anyway this mutual friend told me she 'hates me for bringing her up'. Honestly, I'm sick of talking about it but I was always taught there's no taboo subject.

Joanne: Do you wish you two stayed in touch?

Simon: Mixed. (looking uncomfortable and shifting) I wish we never drifted so apart into two different circles but the circle she mixes in aren't compatible with the circle I drift in. I don't want to sound like an arrogant asshole. I mean it's nothing to do with superiority or a god complex. The circles I drift in are quite intellectual. Political debates, university alumina, professional jobs, e-sports. The circles she drifts in are more materialistic or hobby orientated. Motorbikes, sports etc. I mean some of those people think I'm literally the worst thing to happen to her, while some of the people in my circle find those who can't debate infuriating. The reality is the person she is now and the person I am now are completely different.

Joanne: Moving on to the death of your mom. Can you remember the day you found out?

Simon: Like it was yesterday. I got woke up in the morning while the paramedics were in my kitchen. I got told that my mom had died in her sleep and as you can imagine my father was in bits. I didn't know how to process it initially so I stayed in my room for about an hour. As time passed, I just wanted to be hugged and told I wasn't as alone as I felt.

Joanne: I'm sure your sisters and brother were by your side.

Simon: Of course, but they were trying to come to grips with it too. To be entirely honest, I reached out to a friend the following day or within the next few days. It became a blur that week but I remember distinctly that the one female who I loved and depended on to that level other than my mother was my ex. I spent the time up until the funeral genuinely believing she would pop over and check up on me even after we broke up on bad terms.

Joanne: How did your friend react , how did they support you?

Simon: As we've touched on, I was a loner in school. Until near the end of high school, I was a bullied shy kid. I didn't have any true friends. But this moment, this terrible event, Matthew made me realise I would never have to go through a travesty alone. He took time out to go for a drink with me during that week and he took the day off work to go to my mom's funeral. He's a complete atheist. He think's my philosophy on the afterlife is closer to Stephen King than history textbooks but he literally walked probably a few miles to and from the funeral just to show his support. I've never told him how much that meant to me. But I'd like to think he just knows.

Joanne: I'm sure he wasn't the only friend over that time?

Simon: No, I have another fantastic friend called Andrew. I had a very bitter falling out over him trying to get me support and honestly anyone else would have knocked me out for the abuse I gave him over it. He just laughed it off. One of two friends that I can depend on, hopefully and as far as I'm concerned the rest of my life.

Joanne: You mentioned the girl again (picture of 2011 as a couple goes on screen), her family is your neighbour right so they knew about what happened with your mom but didn't she text you or call in?

Simon: Her parents lived opposite the street, but she never asked or showed concern on my wellbeing. I have no entitlement of that care. It's her right to feel or act in any legal way she wishes. I'll respect her freedom to do that for as long as I can.

Joanne: How does that make you feel?

Simon: It made me realise our perspectives on the 18 months we were in a relationship were different. For me, it was a fantastic period and I imagine for her it's best to forget it.

Joanne: Does that bother you?

Simon: Should it? People change, circumstances change. Can we move on?

Joanne: OK. We'll go to a break... Welcome back. I'd like to talk about university and is it true that you were warned before you enrolled?

Simon: As a 18 year old child. I made a stupid comment about a friend publicly on Facebook. My friend found it hilarious and it's the sort of dark humour we say to each other over voice chat and in person but someone twisted what I said to imply someone who died in my local area. Well implied the post was about them. I never met and couldn't care less about them. I apologised and thought that was the end of it but a formal police report was filed and the individuals informed my university who at this point had just provided me with an offer to enrol that I accepted. I mean top business college diploma in the county, they ripped the hands off for me. So that was interesting. The university was great about it. The police were as incompetent as you can imagine but it did teach me that don't say anything on social media that can't be literally taken. Like this will go up on YouTube and Tumblr. So anything I say can be proved.

Joanne: How did you emotionally react to this event, where what you said was taken out of context?

Simon: Betrayed by others but I was stupid and naiive. You can't be those things especially as a successful businessman. At this time a lot of falsehoods and rumours came around ranging from me being a drug addict to committing sexual assault. It was obvious at this point those who had ever had a conversation with me knew that I had traditional moral values so the accusations were as ridiculous as they sound. Childish rumours spread to squash what I had to say. My friends just ignored them, and the people the bullshit influenced were better off not in my life anyway.

Joanne: I've only met you twice and you're quite outspoken about some controversial subjects but its obvious to me morally your the other way. Severely punish criminals, probably too far in my opinion.

Simon: I agree, my opinions can be quite controversial but I'm as against illegal drugs as I love a cup of tea. Even my critics would tell you that.

Joanne: You've gone from a social media account with 50000 followers overall to less than a tenth of the size. Why do you think this is and does it bother you?

Simon: I used to be a depressing blogger with poems, and writing that was soul crushing but honest about my thoughts or feelings about myself. I then started to feel less lost so naturally started writing about facts not emotions. Politics was always a topic I found fascinating. I've always been debating since I can remember. I get off on a debate, which is why it's hilarious to mock those that call you names because they can't debate the facts of the topic. I started looking at things like the wage gap and white privilege economically and they don't hold up to the scrutiny expected in academic work. They just don't. Those that believe either of those things are either stupid or lied too.

Joanne: I don't want to go down the rabbit hole of politics because it's become who you are but if I can, I want to touch on 'getting off' of those that call you names in other words 'Trolls' can you elaborate on that?

Simon: I'll give you an example. I'm quite camp just look at what I'm wearing so I got an anon message on Tumblr once that read 'you are a gay homophobic sexist Nazi that should just kill yourself'. How hilarious is the stupidity of that statement. If I was gay, I couldn't be homophobic and gay people aren't allowed to be a Nazi. It shows the idiocy of these people that are probably children.

Joanne: Does these kind of hate messages matter to you?

Simon: Of course it matters, everybody wants to be liked. Those that claim otherwise are lying. But the opinions of people I've never met who are so ashamed of themselves they hide through anonymous, do not matter to me. The opinions of friends and parents of friends matter to me.

Joanne: You once said you were 'bad with women'.

Simon: Oh God, yea. I really wish I hadn't had said that. It was on an emotional post at 3am. It was a spur of the moment thought. I don't think I'm naturally bad with women but I am a marmite figure. I'm not universally liked. Most people I meet are probably intimidated by me. I think the women that I find attractive clearly don't normally find me attractive.

Joanne: Why is that? What type of women do you find attractive?

Simon: I'm probably a 6 out of ten, if I could lose the acne probably a good 7. I tend to fall for either the tall slim blonde or the short petite unique person. I'm quite simple like that. Then if they are able to debate or disagree with me brilliantly, I just adore them.

Joanne: (laughs) So you see yourself as just above average?

Simon: In looks, I do. In style, I'm quite unique and some people hate that I stand out. In personality, I am extremely demanding but I also expect that from myself.

Joanne: Do you ever think about children?

Simon: I did. I thought about marriage and kids but I've only ever found three people in 21 years that I could see having a life with. I do think about children's names though, I have top three for both genders. For a boy: Constantine, Excalibur or Arthur. For a girl: Katherine, Kate or Kathleen.

Joanne: Do you think it's fair when some people refer to you as egotistical, arrogant or psychotic?

Simon: It's no business of mine what other's perceive me to be. I can only concentrate on who I am and I'm none of those things.

Joanne: Do you like being the centre of attention with someone claiming you 'have to be seen to be the most overdressed person because you need the attention?

Simon: I don't mind it, but I don't actively pursue it. I don't really mind whether someone outshines me. I love a challenge and I think demanding the best from myself constantly while can be quite exhausting to see, is who I am whether that's monopoly, gaming or dressing.