#i dont actually care that much i could do this by myself but it would be alot better to have a second opinion and generally a lending hand
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im not lying when i say that i was just finally getting "over" totk, like i hate it still, but the immediate anger and need to rant has died down-
and then the elden ring DLC fucks with me in a very similar way, just even moreso focused on my favorite character in that entire franchise, completely unexpectedly, and the more i learn about it the worse it gets and now i feel even worse bc i dont have the energy anymore to get as angry as i did with totk and its just kinda ... depression and sadness ..
it was like the interest i could fall back to when zelda annoyed me too much or i needed a break from that and i was honestly thinking about doing more with it but now
i know i know i can always draw 'my own stuff' but being a fan of a piece of media or character is just fun and .. furfilling to me in a different way and now i feel so empty again ... and finding new things to obsess about is easier said and done bc i dont 'decide' to stop liking something and neither can just decide to obsess over something so im just kinda left hanging here ... and in a way, i still like it and care about it, frustratingly so, and dont WANT to just stop and find soemthign new ...
#ganondoodles talks#elden ring#zelda#in a way#AND it adds to me just ranting#and complaining#like i wasnt literallly a few days ago beating myself up about that#now i have the next thing#and its almost as bad as it was with totk#with the only difference being that i dont have the energy left to yell that much#and that its the second time now in such a short time span relatively to how long i keep my interests and how long it takes to find one#so in a way it hurts even worse#.... also when the whole thing is kinda bad then at least the whole thing is kinda bad#but here its like specifically my fav#and i dont want to and cant let him just .. go#but at the same time ............. its been so shifted around completely idk what to make of it#idk what the point was to make and present him like he was in the base game and then do such a turn in the DLC#and it feels less like he was someones important favorite nd more like most hated character#bc why would you do that to him like this#you can argue all you want about how it makes sense actually and wahtever but this is what i feel right now ok#what am i even drawing for anyway#what am i even thinking about any stories for anyway#why am i caring about anything anyway#i wish i knew and could stop
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i can remember being 12 & even younger staring at my body n my face in the mirror n knowing i was hideous n i needed to fix it n promising myself i would so i can actually live & be of worth and yet . ive never gotten there. ive never gotten close. it's just repeat n repeat and im still here stuck in the same exact mindset never changing never growing never experiencing anything because it was all on hold n im still. sitting here staring at myself but unable to grow or do or feel anything like im supposed to. i dont have a personality or any traits to share i only have thoughts telling me how awful i am . how i need to fix it. how i need to fix everything . over and over for years
#& still ugly#& still gross and a nuisance 2 everyone#always just telling myself it'll all be ok if only i can get small enough. if i get small enough ill be loved. ill be able to get away#from my family n all the horrors of my life#id have people who cared about me#id get friends#i would be able to hold a conversation#i would be interesting#if only i could do that one thing#and still i never could#i am. so useless#for so. sososo many years. from a kid to an adult i am still here the thoughts r still here i havent grown at all#theyve blocked everything else#alongside the my parents forcing isolation and preventing any actual experiences having been a possibility#i am . so much nothing#i have never been anything#ive never had a personality#i dont know how to be a person#but i want to be so bad
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(stupid vent in the tags i’m maybe struggling a lot. not feeling particularly real or handling my life and relationships maturely at all)
#i love i LOVE how i can write out three fucking pages of how well and normal my life is going and then just fall apart#is this directly correlated to whether i take my anxiety medication? certainly but the side effects are SHIT and its not mandatory anymore#(realizing the amount of my shit relationship that i spent fucking drugged up by myself is SHIT!! i wasn’t a real human being i was so#fucking out of it all the time and he DIDNT FUCKING CARE and i’m upset. that being said i’m anxious as shit now without my meds)#anyway i’m meeting up with two people tomorrow and they’re both the most fucked up sorts of relationships where they’ve been almost my#entire life at certain points of time but are also people who have made me FUCKING UNCOMFORTABLE but with no ill will just fucked situation#problem is one is just an asshole but the other is an incredible person with delusions attached. i think. i’m struggling#i was so fucking healthy two days ago and i thought its a good idea to say hi when i’m in town. but no actually i’m fucked in the head#i feel like he’s either going to kill me or fall in love with me. he’s ten years older than me. and has done NOTHING WRONG IM JUST INSANE#should i not show up?? this is a normal fucking person this is a normal person and i want to say hi. already sent him a long fucking email#so we’re a little late to lose this relationship. and it’s FUCKING NORMAL. normal fucking person. mentor figure positive fucking role model#what the fuck is wrong with me!!!! i’m so fucking normal i just get insane. i’m being like my nemesis actually. ex-bandmate who fucked me u#and didn’t fucking care about anyone and saw me as a character i’m doing her fucking thing. im talking about a normal man who cares about m#a normal amount. and interacts with me in a NORMAL FUCKING WAY. who SAVED MY FUCKING LIFE. what is WRONG WITH ME#aside from that…. i’m just feeling sick and awful. my little sister is really struggling and so am i. and i talk so much and never listen#and i could have fucking sworn that i was doing well. fucking LAST NIGHT i wrote all about how fucking stable i am. how i’m going to be oka#AND I AM. i just feel like shit. and i don’t know what’s wrong with me. i’m going on testosterone TOMORROW if all goes well. why can’t i#just fucking focus on that?!!?!?!?? and i’m dysphoric as shit it’s half of what’s wrong with me right now. maybe t will just fucking fix me#but what the fuck. what the fuck. i dont know. all of a sudden i’m in a bad place. i just want to be okay.#i hope everyone is well and i’m sorry for venting. i would almost not post this but i don’t feel real#i don’t know. sending love…. let me know if you need anything please. be well 💛#friends only#vent cw#like if read#delete later#ask to tag
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🐇☁️🌷🐌
#seeing her actually went so much better than i thought it would#i was so anxious but there were no issues at all#the thing is she's such a chill and understanding person she really dont care if i jumble my words or say smth wrong or whatever#i dont need to worry abt sounding 'stupid' bc she just doesnt see it that way#so yeah my anxiety disappeared pretty quick c:#(i still feel like there's a wall between me and others tho my avpd isnt cured skskks)#and it was just nice. we walked a loooot. and sat by the beach and talked#she gave me lots of tips and advice abt applying for jobs and school stuff. she doesnt judge me for being 25 and not having started yet#and she's gonna start studying next year and suggested that we could study together sometimes to motivate eo#so hmmmm maybe it went a lot better than my doom mind thought it would#i rlly do believe ppl hate me but why would she even bother talking to me then??#so yeah it was a nice experience :3#it's been like 6yrs since i hung out w someone that wasnt my mom and it reallyyy is good for my mental health#i still feel like ohhh this isnt the friendship im craving but there are tons of different friendships. this is nice just bc it is.#i shouldnt let myself minimize it or think it's 'not real' just bc it isnt exactly what i long for. this is good still.
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#oh for fucks sake#if i have to listen to my shithead of a mother bitch and whine and moan about me being disabled one more fuckinG time i s2g#she's been going on for 20 mins abt how annoying it is that i had to go lie down for a bit bc i had a migraine and a pain flare up#which meant i guess that she didnt get to make dinner when she wanted to (i told her she could just eat w/o me like who cares)#so now she's on a rampage abt how inconvenient it is to her and how i ruin her schedule and her life all the time etc etc#and when i responded calmly w 'well what would u like me to do- snap my fingers and not be disabled anymore? u TOLD me to go lie down.'#she exploded and is like 'oh noOoo ofc not nothing is ever ur fault u just accidentally do these things'#bitch WHAT THINGS ?????#exist as disabled ??? be in so much pain i spend most of my life these days in bed ??? be unable to function to ur standards ????#do u Hear urself ??#now she's sitting on the couch pouting and fuming like a toddler bc i was in bed for 2 hours instead of 30 mins (bc too much pain to get up)#and throwing a tantrum like that is in any way normal or acceptable behaviour#'u always do this! but nooo u can do w/e u want cant u ?? u dont have to consider others!!'#ma'am...#a) no i dont have to consider others when it comes to taking care of myself and my debilitating illnesses. that's an insane thing to suggest#b) nobody told u u could not do w/e the fuck u wanted while i was out of commission. u just did this to have more to complain abt#c) ah yes bc i 'want' to be bedbound in excruciating pain. that was a choice i made. for funsies. for the bit.#whaT ?????#god someone save me im gonna lose my mind w this shit#not to mention she's also belligerently drunk so like. there's that also. cant have any proper convo bc of it (not that i wanna talk to her)#jesus fUcking chrisT#i gotta get out of here#this woman is so immensely hateful#ya sorry i ruined ur life by being born this way and now ur stuck 'putting up' w me and 'my shit' (<- actual things she has said many times)#fuuuuuck me.#anyway.#negative#ableism#verbal abuse#ask to tag
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achievement get (for the billionth time): take one look at an assignment and get severely overwhelmed AND discouraged for the rest of the day and do nothing
#it's so much and it's dishonest work!! literally dishonest because all i can think of is how bullshit a lot of it sounds. instead of#you know?#actually learning anything?#but this thorough lack of motivation is just gonna get me in trouble isnt it. how do i swallow my emotions and figure things out#its getting harder every year and the feeling that the few people i have close by do not ever truly understand - like at all - is horrifyin#yes sorry this is all i could think of for the past six hours. im having a great day (no im not. i also hate myself for feeling this way)#zero.txt#im sure it hurts the few people who care and who thought i'd actually go on to do things to see me constantly wallowing for reasons#that they refuse to comprehend or have compassion for.#just stop being sad! just get to work piece by piece! have some resilience#meanwhile all ive done is cry. maybe a part of me just likes feeling like this i DONT KNOW#and ofc so often im like. the only reason im still around is im quiet and they havent invented thought police#yet.#how can i have hope when the moment i decide to pluck a silver of it out of my core i read something that in a better world would not even-#-be a nightmare#like. you say things like that with your mouth and expect us to mindlessly repeat if we want anything in life...#fuck my stupid baka life <3#ugh im just going in yet another circle now when i know trying to put my feelings in words is not helpful. what IS helpful#negative#again sorry. at least you dont have to open this wall of tags#delete later#maybe
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#its been so long since i actually made a friend#vent#that its hard#to realize that they like me#that they want me there#and that they miss me#that i assume that they dont care and they wouldnt want me there anyway#after who would care about lil ole me#and then they ask#hey where were you why didnt you come#didnt you say you wanted to meet#im just too used to pulling away at the slight bit of disinterest#that it surprises me that they like me#the concept is so foriegn to me#i feel like if i get too close im going to be so dissapointed#know ing so many times that i got sttached that i loved and got spat in the face on#the amount of times i decided to pull away for a bit and then we never talked again#it had happened so many times that it has affected my self esteem to the point the thought that i am a useless person that no one could car#for let alone even see had become a fact in my mind i feel so damn invisible sometimes i cant even feel myself#when people show interest i smile and wave knowing fully well that its all just temporary and i wont see them after the first 3 meetings#it hurts so much#i feel unlovable yet when someone tries i cant believe it and end up ghosting them#i need to believe in myself more#i need to learn to love abit more#even if it ends up hurting me#im sorry#but i need to do this for myself#this person feels like a good person#i should give them a chance#even if it feels like ive already messed up
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cyberpsychosis could maybe be so cool if it was people being possessed by some sort of rouge ai,or as part of a corporate conspiracy. like as a planned obsolescence thing where certain parts during production are programmed to make people Do That after a certain point so you have to buy the next new 20,000eddies cannon arms to replace the nearly identical previous model or else you might kill everyone you love and die because your cyberwares "outdated". or untraceable viruses infecting competing corporations cyberware using their rival's customer's livelihoods to sabotage their profits. and maybe any one of those things works in such a way that its designed to detect atypical brain chemistry in a host,and thus triggers more frequently with them to tage advantage of and use those people as a scapegoat and a way to further fear monger against them,and you can uncover that this is the case. or something along those lines. and the more cyberware someone has the more likely it is that they could encounter any of these scenarios. but no it is just #crazy people being too #crazy.
#they kinda toyed w something like that in earlier drafts. with dollchips and the project ghost thing thats too much to explain in tumbletags#but yeah#honestly w how little its present in the final game beyond Go Herd Them Up And Beat The Shit Out Of Them So They Can Recover In Therapy#Offscreen In An Optional Sidequest With Literally No Conclusion they couldve easily just retconned its existence in the world entirely#especially since really the only reason why it exists in the lore in the first place is so the humanity system in the ttrpg keeps your#character from becoming too overpowered from too much cyberware. like thats it.#but for how much they dont wanna flesh out any other conspiratorial type stuff for the sake of ''It is a Mystery👻''#and how much they went with ''idk where cyberpsychosis comes from we dont know if its even real'' ingame#edgerunners and mike pondsmith himself sure have a lot to say about it and exactly how it works#we cant even leave that up for interpretation for players to find some way into coping themselves into believing its not as weirdly ableist#as it is#and we cant do anything else with it that would actually be cool. or make sense. in universe and just logically.#however. im a dumbfuck and am not beyond thinking about how like. in a hypothetical scenario where melissa welles is still around#And jackies bled out corpse is still used for the arasaka supersoldier program and is going around killing people.i cant not think about ho#mama welles would have to handle both of her kids dying and also going on rampages out of (mostly) anyones control. like think about that.#heart wrenching and whatnot. could you fucking imagine with everything else shes been through.#anyway sorry for talking about things that very literally probably less than a dozen ppl know/care about its just. interesting.#i froth over the potential that it had#that im tricking myself into believing that it had
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agh fuck i need to apply to an internship😭
#i hateeee doing bureocratic shit id rather die tbh#im not gonna get it but if i did (which im not lol) i would be getting payed which isnt as bad as it could be#its only like one week tho but its still something#plus something i could theoretically add to my cv#WHICH BTW I NEED TO SEND IN FOR THAT#but like. the internship is agronomy-related and it tells you you need to put things related to that that youve done#and ive done. nothing lmao???? like my agronomy work is 'i have a vegetable garden i sometimes take care of'#and 'my grandfather was a farmer' like that is... nothing#also this job consists of being at an info stall for an agronomy conference thing. so you dont actually need /that/ much agronomy knowledge#i think??? idk😭my mom told me she would help me make my cv but shes sick and i dont wanna ask her. plus im also not feeling too well myself#but also its one of if not the biggest agronomy fairs in spain and ive never gone so it would be rly cool to go#bc a lot of farmer ppl and their families get to go bc they know someone who sells tickets to go. but me... well lmao if my dad [redacted]#then maybe. but not anymore so this is one of my only chances of going lol#but anyways like the only qualifications i can put on my cv is: studies agronomy. has worked at [redacted] student dorm. and that is#not qualification worthy. also the grades count and... i have shit graaaadeeessssss god i hate this#z xarre
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sighs. i have had so much free time because of my cut hours but its. still left me with nothing to do, since i have to save as much money as possible while looking for another job. so i sleep, wake up, look to see if there are any new job postings on indeed/linkedin/ziprecruit/monster/etc, dig farther into google for more sketchy job openings, think about what company sites i can check for direct jobs, check those sketchy 'surveys for money' sites,... and then i go back to sleep. because well. cant be hungry or waste money if ur asleep.
i just. im miserable. i have so much time but i cant even enjoy or use it because im going to start bleeding money i dont have soon. im fucking terrified of not being able to find a new job, of being stuck in this... dead end job. unable to get off this damn island. it makes me sick. so im bored and guilty and scared and i just gucking hate this!
im so fuckibg tired of living in this godforsaken world where you only deserve to live if you give up everything. honestly, i wish someone would just. fuckibg come beat me up. wish my parents had actually fucking hit me instead of just yelling and insults. wish i was missing limbs or brain fuction or just. anything. anything to get the world to see i cant function.
im an empty brained idiot. i dont have any passion or self. how am i suppose to live? id rather be a fucking shattered glass than an empty jar. but thats what i am.
god i just. how???? how????? how do people... live????? how do you create and make.... your brand or personality? i cant make any of that. im just here. breathing. not for any reason. thats how its always been. everytime i see jokes about what kind of 'weird kid' you were i want to cry. because ive never been fucking anything! i wasnt a horse girl or a cat girl or train person or dinosaur nut or a monster fan and never cared about Egypt or rome or didnt care for legos or cars or model building or WHATEVER. ive just! been here! with nothing! im not ANYTHING. i dont have hobbys. ive nev r had hobbies.
ive always been alone and empty. disconnected from the world. disconnected from the community. disconnected from everyone.
my life is nothing. has been nothing. just a waste of time and space. nothing to show but misery and anger. theres no escaping it. i wish i was an actual person instead of this empty sack of nothing.
get hobbies they say, thatll help, yeah surs. sure. hobbies. to store in my roach and rat infested house, where i hide away in a tiny room because its the only space i have that i can control. with the money that i dont have. alone. because im terrible at bonding with people. because why would any human wanna hang around me? and because i tire so fucking fast.
i just. i wish i was fucking dead. im tired of this stupid fucking world. thinking things might get bettrr jusy to have reality forced into my face. im a piece of garbage npc who would have been better never being born.
#ditto rants#i sleep so fucking much im so fu king bored but everything makes me feel guilty#i stare at job websites and try not to panic#i WISH SOMEONE WOULD JUSY#KILL ME#BREAK ME OR SNAP MY LEGS OR SOMETHING#SO THE WORLD WILL GET THAT IM FUCKIBG STUPUD AND USELESS#i dont m care give me cancer or covid ir hiv whatever#it doesnt matter#im suffering anyways#at least then the suffering will be more than just being empty#lolilololol i cant even cut myself cuz i hate pain#but fuck i wish i had the tolerance to hurt myself#i wish i could actually do it#shove a knife in my leg or whatever#so people would get it#but they wont and yhey dont#you dint hurt urself ur not disabled your fine your fine your fine#get up go work at McDonald's its all cool!#live every day for no reaso !#i wsnt to fucking die die die#instead ill just keep sleeping at staring at walls#loloil cant even watch dungeon meshi cuzim afraid itll get me hungry#still fat thou#cant have people care#slmtill fat and ugly and stupid
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#this just in: local algae enthusiast shocked to find that u feel bad when u dont take care of yourself >:-[#this is bullshit. i am rattling the bars of my cage and also i am standing outside the door with the key#what do u mean i cant not sleep enough. intensely focus for 6.5hrs nonstop and have to take care of additional stuff floating around.#and then spend all my time agonizing over not being productive enough?#ugh. its exhausting. and its one thing to live like this and love what ur doing. its another when u dont fucking care so all ur time feels#empty and pointless bc all u do is work. bleh i just wanna draw all the time but coloring takes so much time when u wanna make complicated#things :-( so its like draw something new or spend 3hrs coloring and i hate coloring :-P#its also frustrating bc when i read papers associated with the work ill be doing in the fall i actually enjoy it#and thats what i wanna do in my free time but that space is so limited bc working takes up all the space#and drawing takes a lot of time. but hey i can cut out more space by not taking care of myself 😎#ugh. dont b like me. draw a healthy line between academia and life#otherwise its like yay reviewers have approved ur 1st authored paper and im like i could not even begin to care#light all my data on fire for all i care. i would feel nothing#and im not gonna rake od measurements today. fuck u. im tired and if i accidentally killed a culture ill be sad#ugh. but i should. but i have to do some coding before the end of the day and i cant if i have to spend another hr here 😫#ugh. just a few more months#unrelated
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as lonely as being aro can be I honestly wouldn't have it any other way because as a kid I felt like my life would be over in my 20s once I married and started having kids but the first time I realized I didn't have to do that shit was akin to a bird getting released from its cage
#like idk. i remember watching my mom growing up. no time to read or paint or sing or do anything she wanted to do#because she was always doing chores and housework and taking care of the kids#and she said she chose that life and was happy with it but it felt like a cage to me every time i thought about it#and in the ''religion'' i grew up in anyone with ovaries was supposed to get married and have lots of babies as soon as they could#so yk. 20s.#and as a kid growing up in that environment i Literally thought i would only get to live for 20/25 years#and then i'd be miserable and locked inside the house for the rest of my life#and all my friends growing up Wanted that !! they wanted marriage and a million kids and all the things we were told we needed to have#and im sure a lot of this was just the culture we grew up in. even now after leaving years ago im still struggling to unlearn things#and as kids ?? we didnt know Anything.#but idk. i remember watching brave and connecting with merida so much because i didnt want to get married either !!!#but i thought i had to !!! literally that movie made me cry so many times fr#but finding out what aromanticism was was literally so insane it was like. i dont have to do any of this bullshit actually.#it was literally the most radical thought i'd ever encountered at the time#it felt like i was defying everything i've been taught and it took me a long time to separate myself from the mindsets i grew up with#and then longer still to eventually separate myself from that environment completely#but idk. im a little lonely sometimes and my siblings and friends are all getting married and paired off#but i dont have to. my life isnt over and i can live it however i want.#idkkkkkkkk im feeling kinda emotional rn. being aro is incredible fr#winter speaks#queer#personal
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i've been considering my homogay . stuff recently but i also kind of dont care. like ive had to adopt a certain mindset to deal with my gender dysphoria and i think in doing so it's made me extremely apathetic to identifying any which way. which i think is a healthier mindset for me personally. it's a LOT lot easier for me to accept like. "i do/deal with/like this that and so on" rather than stating anything concrete. or having to bother people i guess lol maybe that specific part isnt ideal. but whatever. not to sound like a labels are for clothes mf.
#or maybe ive just compressed myself so much out of embarrassment that i think this is how i actually am. like tbh#i do not care at this point. if i explode from repression in 5 10 15 years thats just what i had to do.#anyway half related but in the geand scheme of things this is nothing to me tbh#i dont think im like functionally into men like. i am genuinely attracted to them but i do not think i could actually have like#a serious relationship with a dude unless he was THE specialest guy in the workd#vs u know ive (pretty much) always assumed i would marry a woman even as a child LMAO#but we will see how i feel in 6 months LMAO i am always changing my percentages
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I gotta hold myself accountable to when I'm making content that's not really based on canon at all, so I remain self aware & whatnot, but I still occasionally think things like "but blurr should be arcee's number one fan 🥺.... bc i said so........"
#🐝 could you repeat the last part? 🟦#i make a good effort to stay self aware bc i dont want to lost in fanon delusion. i cant let that happen to me#also it would be hypocritical of me to go ''i dislike this fanon it has no basis in canon''#when i also like making up shit if it's interesting#so i make it clear that im just picky abt hcs and stuff like that#for me to enjoy them they gotta contribute something interesting to the source material but not come out of left field#and i dont rlly care for edgy stuff if it doesnt rlly serve much purpose#so i dont rlly care for hcs like ''bee is ACTUALLY megatrons great nephew once removed !!!!!!!!!!!!''#they do nothing for me i just go ''man i dont care'' and turn around#like thats just personal taste though and im a notoriously particular & picky person so. who cares what i think u get what i mean#though u should care abt arcee fanboy blurr bc its good and awesome alright /hj#IT THINK ITS FUN AND CONTRIBUTES AN INTERESTING TAKE ON CANON ...#bc blurr admiring arcee 1) makes sense bc arcee is genuinely a badass & literally worked in the same division he does#2) brings more focus to the parallel between them about how they got seriously injured in ways that impact their most notable qualities#(arcee having her memories wiped when her mind is one of her most important qualities as a school teacher & intel agent)#(blurr having his body damaged & handicapped when speed achieved by his physical athletic ability is a defining part of his character)#3) solidarity in that trauma baby. and arcee can be blurr's gramama (applause amazing brilliant we love to see it)#and also who doesnt love to see blurr having girlbosses idols. arcee inspires him to be a girlboss too#see this is how ridiculous i am i have to have these detailed thoughts abt hcs i cant just go stupid#no i cant change this about myself btw#i am pretentious at heart i have to be like this with media i enjoy#but still i always try to indicate that i am aware that my hcs are just fan interpretations of stuff so i dont like#accidentally come off as me forcing my ideas of canon onto other ppl like. this is just my lego city that im building i know of my bullshit#though i still do draw deep lines for things like . blurr being social (shudders)
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Man I love thinking of ideas for OmorOff
Sure hope I don't have to think of how to make a coherent story with believable characters and motivations that tie into the narrative and its themes!
Oh god...
Literally the most developed characters I have right now in my opinion are Hero and Mari. And even then there are so many holes I need to fill...
I BARELY KNOW THE MAIN CHARACTERS MOTIVATIONS AND SHIT! I DONT EVEN KNOW HALF OF THE REASONS STUFF IN THIS STORY IS HAPPENING.
In good news it is getting there and I actually really like Hero and Maris characters so far, very much a tragic romance and I love it. Also Abbi, I think she's my favourite guardian so far.
I'm gonna work more on the story's themes, narrative devices and such because as much as this is just a silly crossover between Omori and Off I do want to tell a good story with believable characters.
It's going to be a lot of work but I'm getting there. Honestly I think the biggest issue is some of the lore and why shit is happening, like the opening chapter has been really annoying to make because it has to introduce Omori, show them being brought into the world, and establish why they are on this whole crusade thing for Sunny. Sounds easy enough but that's not including all of the other lore shit that's tied into it...
I'll find a way to make it work
#i may or may not have bitten off more than i can chew...#*internal screaming in fear*#seriously pleaee someone help me with this i am BEGGING#i dont actually care that much i could do this by myself but it would be alot better to have a second opinion and generally a lending hand#if you do wanna help out just send me a dm!#omori#omori au#omori aus#omoroff#omoroff update#omori lights off#omori lights off au#lights off au#off#off mortis ghost#off au#random rambles
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I'm going to struggle to sleep and get up tomorrow
Curse it all
#miranda talking shit#At one hand i liked the conversation i had with fabian and i think i got some answers to questions ive been wondering about but im also lik#Unpacking all this.... So much to unpacking and to be put in a folder in my head where does it all go... Still hate how#He hit me with the biggest ... Maybe in the universe and i can't deal with it. No I'd be relieved and accept an no fullstop but he had to#Add in the.... Idk actually lol i dont have a reference and i would like to know how it is crossing boundaries in our relationship#Whag the fuck man.... You really gave me the strongest 'i think youre into me and it worries me' and then nullify it with an 'idk how i#Feel sometimes id like to explore more' how am i supposed to... Handle that information... I had been going around telling myself#What he said to me 2019 is the way he still feels and me thinking he might think more is just me being paranoid but then yeah#What a clusterfuck. I mean to me it wont change anything in the broader picture no matter what i care for him ya know? But now thats... An#Whole other thing like. Should i try to act differently? Be more careful? Or would that be unfair bc then id do what he've been doing to me#I will quote him again 'miranda i think if both of us got an gf/bf at the same time this would solve itself' i joked and said he could find#Me one and I'll find one for him. But yeah i think that would ... Be a solution in an ideal world. Idk how to do anything man#At one hand i think he's overestimating how much he's on my mind but also its true. I spend a lot of my social time with him so obviously#I think about him? But i also have a reference on how i am... With people i have crushes on and who im in love with and how o think of thoe#Its just so scary to think about how i am his reference ... To... Well basically a ton of things... Im not a good reference unless you want#An abnormal reference. I guess im anxious I'll somehow ... Ruin him or something. This was a big conformation that i am his reference to#Women and close relationships with women and i am not made for that... Most feminine tjing about me is being sappy and giving compliments#And encouragement. Otherwise im basically like ... A dude. Guess it also scares me that he knows me. I know i know him but the fact its#Mutual is aw man... Being known is still a struggle. He wasmt completely wrong is his logic bc he knows me i think too much about people#And things. I understand im so anxious bc i care about him and im worried about losing him or pushinh him away but shit#Hes sleeping rn and is at peace with this probably. He doesn't dwell on it. He even said hes been thinking about this... Bc he began to#Think about what i could be thinking? So its not even his own thoughts but thoughts about whaf i could be thinking? ?? Whack and im likebro#Flattering that you go to that length but also... Literally what??? Cant tell if hes somehow projecting or if this is genuinely how he was#Thinking but damn. Boy does have some confidence at least? He's such an fool. I love him but holy shit he blows me away sometimes
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