#i dont really know where im going with this tbh
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maybe im projecting but instead of mizora being weirdly psychosexual with wyll or just being a right bastard for no reason, mizora could've been like a "doting" mother figure to wyll. he never knew his mother, he doesn't know what it should actually be like. bc of this, it's easier to lure him in. she's the opposite of ulder: overly present, but suffocating. wyll still gets isolated, he still does monster hunting work for her (and for the "good" of the coast). it's not an outright mother-son relationship, neither of them truly call it that, but it's there.
#.txt#i dont really know where im going with this tbh#i just thought it was neat. for her to be a mother figure instead of whatever the fuck is going on in the game#like a mother gothel type
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I think the most annoying part about all of this watcher shit is that if they had just originally said they'd be releasing content earlier and ad-free on their own website, none of this would've happened. Like sure maybe people would be a little bit upset/disappointed they couldn't afford to see things earlier, but at the very least they wouldn't have completely obliterated their reputation and ostracized their fan base. They just went about this in such a shitty and demeaning way and I'm glad they apologized and backpedaled, but I sincerely don't know how they come back from this, especially after it took them three days to respond. I don't know how their audience will ever be able to trust them again
#im really glad they listened amd apologized and didn't double down but holy shit guys#you employee 25 people but clearly none of them are in pr because my god i dont even know how this idea made it past a pitch#you guys are nowhere near the level where this could even begin to be a good idea#and tbh the apology feels weird and insincere and so fucking scripted#it just never needed to be this way#and i dont think fans that were once so loyal are going go ever trust you guys again#i mean fuck ive been a fairly casual fan since the buzzfeed days and even i feel betrayed#i cant imagine how people who spent money on merch and tours and patreon or made fan art or submitted stories feel#it's just so disappointing#anyway good luck i guess#watcher
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i often really do feel like an .. unwanted part of the fandom, i dont draw beautiful landscapes, i have unpopular but strong opinions im constantly annoying about and rarely change, dont like/dont draw the pretty young popular twinks and hot gurls to fanboi over nor do i turn characters into one, the opposite moreso, draw only one ship no ones heard of really, got little energy to interact with the few people that are nice to me and send me asks so it probably looks like im ignoring everyone and unfortunately but still rarely get so stressed i get overwhelmed and emotional about pehaps seemingly minor things and spiral almost into a breakdown feeling super embarrassed about it afterwards but the damage is already done and i look like a freak or agressive weirdo
#ganondoodles talks#also probably sounds like self pity#but this feeling hits everytime i see a super popular artist be the popular cool artist#i am a little weird i know that and thats not somethign bad i think#but the internet never gets to see that much of me#i tend to write posts when i am at my worst bc it has to go somewhere#so the image it tells people is that im a weirdly strong opiniod freak that gets breakdowns over nothing#i also dont feel like im otherwise -cool tm- enough to balance that out#i dont think my art is as stylized or as inventive as others nor am i cool to interact with bc idk how to be cool to interact with#i feel double bad when i misstepped with someone i used to talk to bc of something stupid ... or just dont know what i did wrong#im guessing its especially when i am in that spiraling state of mind where i really am not myself tbh#it still feels very bad bc i feel like i can never make it up to anyone again#sorry i acted like a jerk my brain was exploding in emotions in a desperate attempt to deal with something idk how to deal with-#-and made me not act like myself but now i feel really dumb about it#doesnt sound like a good excuse#... i want to thank those that do stick with me#even if i acted strange sometimes- even if i disappointed sometimes- even when i couldnt keep a promise#there are little things that still make me angry at myself#like that one time i asked in the tags whod read as long as the end of them and if someone did shoudl send me an ask so id draw a lil thing#and i got two#and i kept trying to remeber oh shit i need to do that and forgetting again/not having energy for it in a loop#i still feel like a jerk about it but now its probably too late#i wish i could answer all asks i get but man my energy for that is always rock bottom#no matter how much i enjoy the ask#and i love getting asks!!!#im sorry :((
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telling myself i can't start another tdwt rewrite but dear god do i want to write one focusing on alejandro and courtney in this weird situationship thats a lot more nuanced than just alejandro manipulating courtney and her falling for it. like theyre best friends they dont trust each other theyre the same person they dont know anything about the other one theres a mutual attraction theyre pining for other people theyre codependent they dont care about each other theyre platonic soulmates like i just want to do a deep dive into how messy that relationship couldve been building off of their friendship that exists in my head except the line between romantic and platonic is so fucking blurred they have no idea what they are to the other person
#they live rent free in my head as you can tell#ive been writing some intense moments for them in amicus curiae and im having a lot of Feelings about platonic alecourtney#tbh the whole concept of them replacing the best friends has been a great avenue for me to do a deep dive into their friendship#aughhhh i just. love them so much#and i do want to explore them in a situation where there is relationship potential even if that relationship never actually happens#because everything between them during tdwt could be so MESSY!!#like alejandro says he's just manipulating courtney but he's also doing it to make heather jealous but he's also genuinely worried about he#after the duncan thing but this is the only way he knows how to express that concern without making himself look weak#meanwhile courtney is falling for the act but she also knows its an act and is going with it for the emotional support it provides and shes#just doing it to make duncan/gwen jealous but she also is starting to see the real alejandro underneath it all because he does care even#though he doesn't want to and they do feel a strong connection that they dont know whether its platonic or romantic because romance is bein#shoved down their throats on this show and theyre both in complicated romantic dynamics with other people that theyre the easier option for#one another but they dont really want to be with one another like it just doesnt feel right#okay okay i legit have to stop and go to bed but just. them. im thinking so hard about them#platonic alecourtney
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..ive really just reached a point where i dont even really care about uploading fics anymore huh
#i have a couple i could put up somewhere but i legit just dont care lmao#maybe later. idk#it just doesnt feel worth it anymore tbh. i just share them now with the one person that matters and thats it#and nobody has asked where fic uploads are so. im just going to assume nobody misses my shit lmao#whatever i'll maybe brain something up at some point who knows. what difference does it make#im gonna have dinner now and then finally play ff15 tho so. dont expect uploads tonight. unless you really want them for some reason idk#whatever byeee#night is an absolute mess on main
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...
#man ive never seen an eating disorder kill someone else besides a parent infecting a child but my nana is really trying#shes like 1000% orthotexic. will not eat anything not filled with vegetables or fat. and my grandpa is 87yo with a heart condition currentl#in the hospital for covid bc thry went to Christmas church and dont believe in being vaccinated and my dad is so frustrated#bc he knows his mom is not gonna give his dad hearty foods. he needs to eat like protein shakes and meat and ice cream. anything thats not#her cooking which sucks on top of being extremely healthy. except its not healthy bc they dont eat a balanced diet#so its my nanas eating disorder killing her husband and shes so fucking frustrating. im like 99% sure she has obsessive compulsive#personally disorder bc she fits to a T and has zero insight. she may have full on 0cd bc talking to my dad he has more obvious 0cd#compulsions than i do. he used to say phrases before going to bed and would take 2 steps across the floor to prevent bad things from#happening. so like im pretty sure my nana is where i get my perfectionism and 0cd. god. i wish i could express how fucked up she is#like my dad said at least he had a stable home to grow up in but like she has zero sympathy for other people. cannot look past herself. wil#not wear a mask bc she doesnt care enough abt other ppl. my dad was like: u would not have survived in that house. which is fair bc i am#barely keeping it together coming from a stable home with two sympathetic parents who i know love me#and like its sad that they're suffering the effects of buying into the fox news bullshit and its killing them#but also. genuinely. i think theyre not very good ppl. theyre the type of people who think they're better bc they're religious. white. and#thin. and theyre not better thsn anyone. their grandchildren cant stand them. well cant stand her at least. papa is just quite so its hard#to say what hes thinking. apparently he was confused last night and saying something about eating dinner on the golf course. which sounds#nicer thsn being in the hospital lol. ugh. he seems not long for this world tbh. may he pass peacefully to b with his 1st wife who died of#brain cancer at age like 20 or something. so it goes. bleh. how many funerals are intended for me in the next 5 years? hopefully none but#that seems improbable with the unspoken drain circling that seems to b going on in this family. old age and like almost 10 years of cancer#defying the stats but for how much longer?#i dunno. its just so weird to watch these things happen and not talk about it directly to the other ppl who see it#i worry that ill come off as too callose or inappropriate bc i have that tendency when something bad is happening but thats everyone else#excuse? idk i just feel like its better to talk abt things#unrelated#ed mention#i tell u this so i can say these things to someone and also bc if i were u. i would like to hear the drama#bc im nosey and i assume other r too ;-]
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I'm tryna actually do shit everyday that's not playing games or being online but the second I start getting bored the current task isn't worth it anymore and it really ticks me off
#i wanna study japanese again and im passionate abt it but give up SO easily 😭#i wanna get a job in smth art related n im probably gonna have to go to school to do that and i dont even know where to start on that tbh#i wanna do stuff but I'm not really motivated 😞#grrrrr#kae.txt
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BTW if you haven't already please take a minute to look up what venomous snakes are local to you and familiarize yourself with them
#i joined a local snake ID group recently#before that i knew roughly how to spot a pit viper and hownto tell a coral from a scarlet snake#but i didnt really know how to identify specific species other than copperheads#and now im very confident in my ability to tell water snakes from cottonmouths etc#and it gives really nice peace of mind#like. ive seen so many people here in the us south that will freak out of Any snake#my mom once was yelling and crying trying to get help over a kingsnake on the sidewalk cuz she didnt know if it could kill the dogs#and people will kill snakes if they dont know [and often will anyway but knowing helps foster appreciation]#and now i can see a snake and say thats a coachwhip. isnt it pretty. and will gently grab the back end to look at it for just a second more#before letting it go hide#idk. i saw a rattlesnake in the woods today#and its the first time seeing one in the wild like that. and yea it was scary tbh#and i got a pic but booked it out once it noticed me and reacted#but i wish i had stopped and watched it longer cuz it was super pretty#and i know it wouldnt have bothered me at all#im just glad that we've seen two big full sized diamondbacks here in the past few months. and i know theyre two individuals#because eastern diamondbacks are declining and its good to know theres a population here#idk. im getting sentimental over snakes i just love them#but my main point is its so easy to indentify snakes at least where im at#and learning to id them comes with learning to respect them
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damn I miss playing wolves in my friend's back yard .... rb to play wolves with your mutuals in their back yard<3
#just blahs#i dont really think this needs any other tags sbhsjsjs#but i am going to kinda vent in the tags still feel free to rb this tho :]#i miss my friend tbh#she was my best and only real friend for like 3 years and then she moved away and now we only talk 2-3 times a year#and i dont.... know how to change that#i just want my best friend back#but i dont want to seem clingly because what if shes moved on ?#what if shes gone and shes doing just fine where she is now and she doesn't miss me like i miss her#what if shes perfectly content with me just being someone that she talks to a few times a year#meanwhile i have nights that i literally cry myself to sleep because i cant just go see her#she doesnt know that i want so badly to turn 18 just so that i can move to the same state and maybe live near enough that i could see her#and i dont think i can tell her that because what if she doesn't care that much.#what if im being ridiculous and i should be over our friendship that should have ended the moment she moved years ago#that i should have just moved on and it's weird that i haven't#anyways sorry for the vent in the tags of my silly goofy post#mutuals come play wolves with me in my backyard <3
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its honestly kind of heartbreaking that sonic superstars is just kinda okay after how good frontiers was . like they finally made a really really good mainline game again that had overwhelmingly positive reception after years of hate and mixed responses. but then with the very next game im seeing more negative comments again. and im not saying the criticism is undeserved just that im tired of how sonic always has to be that one franchise everyone hates and can never escape that reputation no matter how much really good sonic stuff comes out. you know.
#also if im being honest with you sonic superstars is the first new sonic game ive played where my feelings are this mixed#i didnt even complain about sonic forces too much when it came out i was just like Yayyy i get to be best friends with sonic#maybe its because sonic frontiers being as good as it was set my expectations for future games too high. i dont know#(and sonic forces also didnt cost 60 dollars)#to be clear i dont think sonic superstars is a bad game there are things i love about it#but there are also things i dont like about it or think could have been handled better#and i also probably would have been more forgiving of some of my problems with it if it didnt cost 60 dollars. tbh.#really hate to see sonic going down the ''every new game is 60 dollars now regardless of if its actually worth that much or not'' road#like sega please be serious. sonic superstars is NOT worth the same amount of money as sonic frontiers.
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Travelling back home tomorrow hoping for a smooth groove
#i did have a really nice week last week but now im back to everything feeling busy#(its not really that busy)#and oh i miss being slow like idk ever since i was a literal child doing ONE excursion weekly#for an hour#always felt like such s draining burden#and tbh i would like to know why thst is because while it's easy to see as poor habit as an adult reinforcing itself#as a kid i was always made to do things. see people.#i did a summer camp every year at least during the day#i did sports i went hiking in forests#but i remember so distinctly like an age where i stopped asking my parents to try new things#because i would get so excited!!!! but then every week it would become this overwhelming presence#despite being something that i actively enjoyed#and it eventually felt so awful i was like okay no more wanting things you dont use them wisely#like ouch yeah actually that's a big one. wanting things usually wraps back#around to shame or guilt just about always#anyway how is this relevant to travelling?#it's just that i have to travel tomorrow and i have a doctors appointment Friday i have to go to in person#ive changed beds ive slept in 3 times in 5 days#and all i can say at the end of it is that even these little things are JUST enough to be on edge#to feel like im putting my hands over my ears and closing my eyes and pretend nothing bad is gonna happen#even thougu DEFINITELY something bad is going to happen#but of course it doesnt because this is all benign stuff ive done a trillion times before of no note#crazy how complicated it can be to be a person#it is why i dream of living in a small village where i am an apprentice tradesperson and i live simple house#and the house you can walk to anywhere you need to anywhere you need in an your#but no one is that urgent about anything anyway.#beautiful little place that has never actually ever existed for anyone in anytime#but i am still wanting to scream and pull my hair out just asking why why cant everything slow down and be smaller
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over the years ive noticed that a lot of fandom discourse is just people pointing out something that's part of a character's personality but sometimes exaggerating it a little bit bc why not, n then people getting mad at others for that n calling it "out of character"
#sorry if this post sounds so confusing#if i dont immediately write my thoughts like they sound in my head then ill quickly forget what i was gonna talk about#but anyways#some people will really go ''he would not fucking say that'' when in fact he has said/done that but it was like once#n when people have fun around the idea of that character doing more of that other people get mad n say its wrong#idk am i making any sense here????#tbh i dont care bc i doubt anyone ever reads 100% of my posts n im just talking to myself here#i basically just made this post to say that lately ive been getting so tired of fandom spaces in general#and yeah i know fandoms are always like that theres always discourse n shit happening#but i kinda learned to not give a shit about anything anymore?#if a lot of people dislike a certain trope or type of character n constantly shit on other people for liking that im just like ''ok?''#okay i dont know where im going with this anymore#post ends here
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was talkin 2 my partner this weekend and i was like “and bc i have adhd tendencies-” and he stops me and says “no you dont just have adhd tendencies. u definitely have adhd.” <- i have never been professionally diagnosed but my partner has and hes told me before that i am like, The Most ADHD Person Hes Ever Met jfldsjfj
#ive had therapists and other friends with adhd also say i Seem Like I Probably Have It#and tbh im p sure i do to#my FATHER is in denial but. he wouldnt know even tho he thinks he does 😒#but whatever i dont really need a diagnosis#im fine w/being Probably ADHD lol#idr what i was talkin to him about this weekend when it came up#lol it comes up a lot when im playin video games#my cousin was watchin me play harvest moon once and i kept forgetting where i was going and what i was doing#cousin also has been diagnosed w/adhd and Commented On My Behavior#i am. very scatterbrained 🧍♂️
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hi apparently i got a job interview on wednesday
#so. this is my backup plan tbh. i was banking on getting at least this far if i apply for a childcare job#as its the one thing thats always hiring and i have a degree in it so. my chances were actually real lol#the thing is i dont necessarily want this cause i know this is the kind of job that will eventually really burn me out#but also last time that happened was in a different environment six years ago so like.. idk. im willing to take this risk now#however this only a backup. in case i dont get to school#or i dont get offered a job somewhere where i'd actually like to go lol#but. yeah. so i guess thats a thing then#its a step i guess. yay me#night is an absolute mess on main
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i am unknowable and incapable of love goodnight <3
#romantic love i mean#against my will tho bc i want love so bad#but tbh i never feel anything more than awkward when i date 😬#i only feel comfortable with people when there's no romantic pressure idk#would genuinely love to build a platonic life with someone why do i have to be in love to marry someone and have a family w them 😭#love is real im just never going to experience it btw#but i still would like companionship and i really want kids tbh#i dont want to settle for not love in a relationship where thats expected or wanted and the other person loves me#but if it was an entirely platonic no pressure relationship that would be nice#maybe that would grow into love but the pressure of romance right off the bat kills the romance#in need to be close friends for like a decade first#sorry sorry im rambling insane thoughts its 11:30 and i just decided to break up with someone#and he's staying at my home so im even more painfully aware of having another person so deeply involved in my life that they become family#sorry you're not family i dont know anyone but my family well enough to let them be family and i never will please get out of my house#i make no sense but basically i love my family and want kids of my own but i dont want romance in there just platonic family love#romantic love is too hard to find and scary and weird i basically want to live with my actual family and adopt some kids someday sorry#this might change if i met the right person but i would need to be friends with them for a long time with no pressure first#and looking for that person is too forced and weird#anyway#its 11:30 in my 20s a week before valentine's day so naturally i am going insane that's all goodnight
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what the hell
#ok not to be rude but#i sort of cant handle the depression perhaps anymore like it is unending#i dont understand why god cant just give me theability to reanimate the dead or perhaps just do it himself#i miss the little guy i kind of dont know what to even do#i feel stupid bc i feel like its like....people dont really perhaps i just dont think people are that cool about talking abt grief#esp about pets..like#i feel silly for being so depressed but i also cant perhaps handle it#the self loathing is really hitting a peak this week idk like#where do ie ven go from here is my thought i guess i dont really want to be alive or do anything i just miss him so much#he was so sweet and small#i keep getting served videos about like senior 20 yr old cats being surrendered to shelters and like#im so mad like id do anything to have gotten 2 more years with him wht the fuck are you giving them up for#what the hell#its frustrating because ir eally dont want to be comforted or even spoken to about this im just like mad#mad and bargaining clearly i forget what stages those are#depressed yet pissed off also like what the fuck did he do to deserve this it was so fucking fast#cherish your fucking pets. treasure every fucking day#ugh#maybe ill try a different kind of eating again for awhile tbh lets see what thats like in the new context of living w regan#its hard bc its human nature to criticize and correct i think so its hard to feel like i have the space to do what i want? bc of that....#idk idk
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