#i dont seem to practice empathy like this with people in my own life | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

ererokii · 4 years

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I came running when I saw your requests were open! Okay, this is pure angst so bare with me. How about the reader dying in all the chaos when Eren first attacked marley? She was Jean's best friend and so when they were in the airship he carried her corpse inside, and Eren sees her and Jean is like she died l, and its all your fault. You could make her die in battle or she could take the bullet for Sasha, its up to you! Im just curious of how Eren would behave... Thank you so much baby🥺 remember to take care and if you dont wanna write this there's no problem!!♡♡♡

WC: 1.1k

Warnings: character death, blood mentions, some violence, some spoilers for season four, unedited. Italics is flash back

“She’s dead. You killed her.”

It’s silent; enough to hear a pin drop. Jaws are dropped, mouths parted as they stare in shock.

Jean stands there, a body limp in his arms, a tear trickling down his face and onto the floor. “She’s dead, Eren.”

Even sits there, staring at him through brown tresses that cover the majority of his face. His brother, Zeke beside him, stares at Jean with a raised eyebrow, absolutely no empathy for him.

“You..you killed her.”

It seems that victory couldn’t even protect everyone in that ship. After you and Jean had aboarded and left someone out there to watch, you were immediately engulfed into a hug by him.

“I’m glad you’re alive,” he mutters, burying his head in the crook of your neck, arms practically squeezing the life out of you. In normal circumstances you would have laughed, pushed his face away from yours and told him he stunk.

But this was different.

Your arms loop under his own, head pressed against his chest plate. “I’m glad you’re alive too.”

Arms wrapped around your torso from behind, hair tickling your nape as the person let out a shaky breath.

“Y/N, I can’t thank you enough for being there when I shot at the Cart,” Sasha spoke quietly. “I was a bit scared if I’m being honest.”

“I was there!” Jean interrupts, pulling away from you as his arms cross over his chest, averting his eyes elsewhere. “I didn’t get my thanks..”

“Who needs you when we have Y/N?” She grins, moving around to wrap an arm around your waist. “She’s all I need to back me up, isn’t that right?”

Eren’s eyes watch as blood trickles down Jean’s arm, seeping into the black sleeve of the uniform, making a small puddle on the floor. His breathing becomes uneasy, fingers clenching around the bench he was sitting on.

His superiors and comrades are unable to move; the sound of Armin’s gun falling to the floor as he rushes to Jean; said boy lowering the body to rest on the floor. Mikasa follows suit, falling onto her knees as she grabs the left hand, shivers running up and down her arms.

Cold.

“If you didn’t do this, she wouldn’t be dead. Tell me, why is she dead, Eren?!”

I don’t know, don’t ask me, Eren thinks, wishing he could say those exact words.

But he can’t; all he can do is stare with semi wide eyes. His arms are restrained by the rope the Scouts put on him, two recruits pointing their guns at him. Despite having him on their side, there was still a fear within them that he would do something else.

“Answer me!”

“This is our first victory for the new Eldian Empire! Our first battle, and many more to come!” A crowd of soldiers raised their fists in victory, screaming at the top of their lungs as they felt like rulers; the only ones that mattered.

“Another one,” you mutter, rubbing your arm, massaging a sensitive area from when you crashed into the roof when the Beast threw rubble. “Just how many more..and will Eren still be there..”

“We seem to always follow Eren in the end. I don’t think he would be going anywhere,” jean comments, standing beside you as everyone walks towards the middle of the ship.

“Hey isn’t he still out there?” Connie asks, looking over his shoulder, staring at the open sliding door. “Should we check?”

“He’s fine. I didn’t see anyone out there when I was there.”

That’s not enough to convince Connie, his eyes still trained on the silver door but decides to shake it off, facing forward.

Everything feels too surreal right now. It’s serene; too peaceful after a massacre of Liberio’s people. Smiles and laughter are shared, everyone reuniting with their buddies, thankful they can take another breath.

However, your stomach churns, looking around a couple times before reaching your hand out, grabbing hold of Jean’s pinkie. There’s a creaking noise coming from the floor board, catching your attention.

“Jean, did you hear that?”

“No. Hey guys quiet down!”

Sasha must have heard it as well as she glances over her shoulder, a body rolling inside of the ship, a gun held close to their chest.

It happens all too slow. The child raises the gun, brown eyes full of anger stare Sasha down, her finger curling around the trigger. Her teeth are gritted as her brown strands stick to her face, small lacerations and dirt scratching at her visage.

“Sasha!”

Your body seems to move on it’s own, one foot in front of the other as your hands collide with her chest, applying force. She stares at you with warm yet wide eyes; body staggering backwards.

Jean’s words wrack every crevice of Erens mind; his voice increasing in volume.

She’s dead because of you. You killed her!

Eren’s mouth suddenly feels dry, tongue peeking out as he licks his lower lip, chewing on the inside of cheek as he exhales loudly, lowering his head in shame, afraid of the consequences.

“Did she have any last words.”

Regretting his choice of speech, Eren’s lower lips quivers, shoulders shaking slightly. With everyone’s eyes on him, he feels as if they’re staring into his soul, silently judging his choices (as some verbally let him know).

His heart is heavy as a noise leaves his mouth, nowhere near to a laugh, but not even close to a cry of sorrow. He feels like screaming until his throat is raw— to lock himself in a confined spot and to never be seen for the rest of his days on this hell on earth.

“If only you hadn’t gotten the Survey Corps involved with this, Y/N would still be alive, and would be able to see your sorry ass tomorrow in your jail cell. Maybe then she would be able to hold your hand, wouldn’t she.”

Mediterranean eyes that hold tears, glance over at your body once more. Your eyes are closed, cheeks suddenly hollowed. There’s a bandage wrapped around your torso, blood seeping through the white and drying as seconds pass.

Your whole body is relaxed , a trail of red stained on the corner of your lips.

Even with the recent tragic events, Eren can’t help but relax when he casts his gaze on your face. Something within him says that you wouldn’t blame him for the cause of your death, even if everyone else would.

But he can’t forgive himself.

“J-Jean,” you whisper, clutching weakly at his arm. “E..Eren..I want to see him..”

And all you wanted was to see him one last time— ,to spend your last breaths and tell him he wasn’t a monster.

He was just like you.

Human.

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#Eren x reader #Eren Jaeger x reader #aot x reader #snk x reader #attack on Titan x reader #shingeki no kyojin x reader #aot imagines #snk imagines #attack on Titan imagines #shingeki no kyojin imagines #Eren Jaeger imagines #Eren imagines

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dealwithwarlords · 4 years

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Ikemen Vampire and their Godly parents

Inspired by Percy Jackson.

Mozart: Apollo

Son of the God of light, of sun, of music, of truth, of poetry, and arts. May not be a leader but set trends. I will start with the most obvious fact and that is Mozart’s talent for music, as all of us know Apollo’s children are exceptional for the arts in general. Mozart is not someone that tends to laugh frequently but as a good children of Apollo, you can hear the sound of what it could be beautiful Bells when he does, and a smile as warm as the sun. Because of his prolonged time on practicing he sometimes has little to none sunlight, that makes him really moody (more than he already is) so taking some walks or playing with Schelm in the garden are necessary for his health even if he claims to not need it.

Not all of Apollo’s children are blond, some of them have physical traits that are related to the sun such as freckles, warm skin subtones, and even if their hair is black if you see it in the sun light you can see a golden or brownish reflection on their hair, in Mozart’s case if we see carefully there’s also warm subtones such as beige, and pink :

While other white haired characters have cold undertones like blue:

Because of Mozart’s incredible fair skin it’s easy for him to get freckles. Apollo’s children are lie detectors, as they say, you cannot cover the sun with your thumb, Mozart knows from miles away when someone is lying.

Apollo’s children are scary when they get mad, be aware of what they could do when they lose control, just like Mozart, it may seem like he’s always angry but he actually isn’t, when he’s angry you will know.

Apollo’s kids are naturally over dramatic, they turn everything into inspiration for music, plays, etc. remember that time when Mozart said that dry things like cookies are his “worst enemy”? Just because Marie Antoinette gave him a bunch of them, he didn’t know what to do and decided it was a good idea to stuff everything in his mouth...

To what MC finished laughing because ... bruh 😂

Isaac: Athena

Goddess of wisdom, handicraft, knowledge and warfare. Children of Athena are gifted with a sharp and brilliant mind. Do I have to say more ? Isaac is a genius, he has an incredible hunger for knowledge, and curiosity that makes him discover the most incredible things in this world. Children of Athena enjoy reading a good book and most of the time you can see them lost in their thoughts.

We know that Athena’s children can be street smart and book smart, the majority likes to be street smart since they already have a facility to keep info from books, but in the case of our apple boy he’s chosen to be book smart, this kind of children tend to have difficulties to relate to others and create deep bonds since their brilliant minds make them feel detached from the world that surrounds them.

Napoleon : Zeus

Charismatic

Natural leaders

Children of Zeus are the leaders struggling with the pressure of being leaders. Since they are such a reliable people, their friends usually seek for them when they need help, maybe they are not as wise as a child of Athena, but their empathy makes them good advisers too. They’re strong and resilient.

Serious but yet humorous

Assertive

Children of Zeus are prideful, they like to tease others but when the tables turn they don’t really know how to react (not like they are doormats but more like in a teasing way something like pikachu face: “you ... you just teased the son of the lightening.. right in front of my salad” that kind of reaction. It’s actually kind of cute 😂

They can be flighty or warm, depends of the person they are dealing with and their mood.

Physically traits could be grey, blue or in some cases green eyes. Children of Zeus usually have gray hairs since a young age.

Arthur: Dionysus

God of wine, madness, ecstasy and theatre

Children of Dionysus are sociable, charismatic and the life of the party. The ones with all the connections. They’re the friend that everyone references when they say ‘I know a guy’ and we all know that Arthur knows or at least recognizes a lot of faces in Paris.

Children of Dionysus are not only party people, they are really clever too, people usually don’t give them credit for how smart they really are, but they prefer to keep that intelligence hidden ‘cause they don’t want to intimidate anyone, after all the party needs to continue !

They are the ones you can always count on to have a good time. The best telling jokes and reading the atmosphere of a room. they are the ones you call when you’re upset and just want to forget about reality for a night.

Stubborn, determined and chaotic nature.

Most of Dionysus children are empaths, that’s how they can feel the mood so well and make everyone have a good time, nevertheless if they don’t have a control over this ability it can be bad for their health, appropriating other people's problems or feeling guilty if they cannot help their friends as a good “host” would do.

Another thing, Arthur really seems to enjoy alcoholic beverages such as beer, wine, etc. besides coffee.

Talking about physical traits Dionysus children rock semi long hair, this chill and laid back appearance is the signature of the god of party and wine. Even when they wear formal clothes you can see this relaxed look on them.

I remember one time I read a post where it said that Dionysus children often have the nicest shoes in the room (idk why? 😂) BUT DUDE that’s true, there was also other post where you guys were talking about who had the best taste in shoes and guess who was one of the best fashionistas 👌👌😂

Also, olive undertones, in hair, skin, etc. if we see Arthur’s hair for example, sometimes it doesn’t appear to be entirely blue, it also has olive undertones:

Jean: Hades

God of the underworld

Talking about children of hades we can see that they are not only the “quiet ones” but also people with a sharp intuition. They observe everything and everyone, quietly. Tend to hold grudges and feel out of place, they stay a lot of time inside their heads and because of this children of hades usually have a hard time finding their “meaning in life” or “their place in this world”. Since they are deep they have a difficult time relating to others, meanwhile everyone is talking about the trends of the year, children of Hades are in other Chanel .

They like to be by their own, or maybe with someone that actually understands them.

I think most of the time people only focus on their “dark personality” and forget to appreciate other traits like the incredible willpower that they have to achieve anything that attracts their attention.

Physically talking, as we all know, children of Hades have dark tones in their hair, eyes and skin tone. There’s something cold in their appearance that makes them look intimidating and mysterious

Vincent : Apollo

Do I really need to explain this one ? 😂😂

I will just cover some facts that relate to Apollo’s children since Vincent is like the PERFECT example of what is being an Apollo’s child.

I think Vincent has a BIG potential to learn any instrument that he likes, also archery but I doubt it since he wouldn’t like to hurt anyone.

Is easy for Children of Apollo to tan, just imagine our angel with a beautiful sexy tan 🙌🏻😫✨

EMBODIMENT OF LIGHT

also, Apollo’s children are healers, and Vincent wants not only to help but if possible heal everyone’s suffer, as we can see in his route, he wants to help MC with her anxiety to return to her time nevertheless he’s never too pushy and waits until MC feels prepared to open up to him.

Apollo’s children are people pleasers, in a mini drama, Vicent tells Leonardo that if there was a girl in the mansion he wouldn’t know how to behave, since he only wants to give a good impression.

Leonardo : Hephaestus

Children of Hephaestus , Their minds are constantly working on something and their ideas running wild.

They have SO many ideas that they have dozens of project running AT THE SAME TIME, they can even compete with children of Athena.

Some of this children may not be geniuses but out of their curiosity and hunger for knowledge is because they can become worthy opponents to the other god or goddesses children.

Masters on none, but master of many.

They also got that freaking cheeky smile of their father.

Intelligent, good looking and good jokes.

Physically talking children of Hephaestus have strength in their upper body, just like their father, they have enough strength in their hands, arms and back to carry or forge any metal and turn it into a weapon (or any creation but you get me) what usually makes them have (on males) big shoulders or backs and in females, they have shorter but stronger fingers.

Comte : Aphrodite

Who was the one that fell in love in the middle of war ????

YUP this guy ☝️

Children of Aphrodite are hopeless romantic, they find beauty and love in the darkest places and times. They are the ones that you go for advice (not the kind of advice you would go to Athena, but one that helps your heart to find a solution).

They like luxury and aesthetic stuff, Comte with all the money that he has could be living his life like Leo, relaxing, giving little attention to appearances, etc. BUT NO

DADDY COMTE NEEDS TO WEAR HIS DIOR PAJAMAS AND RELAX IN A ROMAN BATH THANK YOU. It’s not like he’s superficial, but he just likes to pamper himself.

Children of Aphrodite have charm speak, Idk you but every time Comte speaks is like velvet for my ears. Most of the time people only see Aphrodite’s children as superficial, not so intelligent and unnecessary at battle but they are dead wrong, actually they are really observant and can be manipulative since they understand and almost feel others people emotions and intentions.

Even though their mother is the Goddess of Love, they can hide their emotions pretty well

It is known that Aphrodite’s children can speak fluently French and Oh look at that Comte is French, coincidence ? I DONT THINK SO.

Theo: Ares

God of war

Children of Ares are topically seen as this really short-tempered guy /girl but there’s more about them. I’m gonna start with the basic personality traits, Children of Ares are stubborn as hell, does it reminds you of Theo ? 😅 they are also really protective of those they love, it may not appear like it but they don’t like injustice, so when they see someone that’s being a jerk they fight with everything they got, sometimes they exaggerate tho.

HATES GOSSIP they like to say thing straight to the point and don’t have filter, sometimes they may seem rude but they are just saying the truth

Doesn’t take shit from anyone

Determinant and never gives up, they also give (its rare but they do) advices when they see you really struggling with something, an example of this could be when (in Leo’s route) MC had a hard time deciding what to choose between staying in 19th century France or coming back to her time with Leo, to what Theo noticed her struggling and gave her a brief but nice advice.

HARD ON THE OUTSIDE SOFT ON THE INSIDE

Children of Ares are aware that they intimidate their siblings, that’s why they become silent and prefer to stay in their cabin, but if you want them to open up to you, a nice smile and kind personality would be a great combo to go with them.

Children of Ares are really intelligent, after all their father is also a strategist.

Shakespeare: Hades

Again ... do I have to explain this one ? 😂

Shakespeare is deep af. Children of Hades see the deepest and darkest things in life, that’s why they tend to feel depressed, but because of that they also can see the brightest parts. This contrast usually is embodied in an artistic way, it may be in plays, dancing, singing, stories, etc.

The goth friend

Children of Hades are one of the kindest siblings among all God and Goddesses out there since they know what loneliness feels like.

guess who feels like that ? YUP Will does

they like to be alone but not lonely.

Dazai: Dionysus

Dionysus was known to be a Reckless, crazy god that resembled freedom and fun. Children of Dionysus are usually found smiling for ... no specific reason, some could say is even scary or suspicious, like if they were drunk 😅.

Dionysus has parties where everyone dances and can fall into madness and ecstasy. Dazai is a sensual man, he has this aura that is just so appealing and comfortable to be with, but he is still a mystery, just like his father. Dyonisus was a god that usually doesn’t get in other’s people problems but it is known that he has a lot of powers, and the majority remains a mystery to humans.

Dazai is someone that craves to feel and be loved, but is scared to be rejected for who he really is, instead of that he prefers to show the “clown facade” that everyone likes, after all is easier to have “company” in a party full of people that you don’t know but they don’t really care about you than opening up to someone and being vulnerable.

People usually describe children of Dionysus as “crazy”

They are normally underestimated, but they have an incredible ability for the arts, they create the most crazy yet deep monologues.

These people tend to get obsessed over things they like, this is somewhat bad for them since they can get addicted to things like alcohol, tobacco, etc.

Talking about physical traits, Dazai is like the perfect definition of a Dionysus child, chill appearance, medium long hair, PURPLE HAIR, likes (maybe a little too much) alcohol, smooth voice.

Sebastian : Demeter

Goddess of agriculture, fertility, nature, and seasons.

Children of Deméter have this motherly figure in their group of friends.

Natural protectors.

Great cooks

They can be really strict at scolding their friends, family etc. but they just want the best for their loved ones.

Children of Deméter aren’t really aggressive, but don’t get in their wrong side which would be trying to hurt their family, because they go havoc.

They have an amazing intuition, just like a good mother.

Their personalities are calm and collected, they may panic on the inside when something bad happens but never let it show.

Deméter children are so aware of the details they are the ones that give the best gifts since they know deeply their loved ones, what they like and what they don’t, again, like a good mother.

Faust: Hecate

Goddess of magic, witchcraft, ghosts, necromancy and crossroads.

Children of Hecate are really intelligent and have an amazing memory, after all they have to memorize dozens of spells.

They usually have lots of books, since they have to know the functionality and sources of the magic they are using.

CU RI O US

They may appear frightening since they face and aesthetic aren’t really welcoming sometimes, but they are actually pretty nice.

SNAKE PERSONALITY

cunning and ambitious

Children of Hecate know how to handle necromancy, which makes them closer to death, that’s why talking about this kind of topics doesn’t scare them.

Children of Hecate can be obsessive, they can stay all day and all night practicing their witchcraft, PLS SOMEONE TAKE THEM OUT OF THEIR ROOM.

They have a different type of aesthetic, maybe is not totally GOTH but there’s something religious or spiritual there, they believe that there is a superior power in the world.

Incredibly good teachers. They may not be as charismatic as Apollo kids, but they are patient and good listeners.

Calm but can be sadists too so be careful.

Vlad : Nemesis

Children of Nemesis, as their mother, tend to hold grudges and is really difficult for them to forget those who wrong them.

They can go ExTrEMe lengths in their revenge, elaborate plans that doesn’t matter how much time they take, they will do it.

Maybe scarier than Children of Ares.

Yandere personality who ?

They are really observant and intelligent, they have the ability to find Achilles ankle of any of their enemies.

Manipulative, that gives them the ability to awake rage on the ones they want like allies.

Curiously children of Nemesis have a strong sense of justice and balance, and they will do anything to carry on with their ideals, even if that means taking extreme measures.

Physically talking there’s always red on them, and I’m talking about red hair, liking for red color, and oh ! Look at that, who has red eyes ??

Charles : Tyche

Goddess of chance, fate and fortune.

I really had a hard time deciding for this one, and I don’t know a lot about him but from what I’ve seen I can say he’s a Tyche’s child.

Children of Tyche are extremely friendly and enthusiastic.

J O K E S

very hyperactive

Smarter than they look, observant and empaths, also they like to prank people like a pixie would do.

Pretty smiles, and they giggle like a lot.

Usually green eyes.

Obviously they like to gamble or if the other participants doesn’t like to, Children of Tyche conform with just playing

They love nature and animals.

A kid in an adult body

Don’t let their cute smiles, dimples or freckles fool you, they can be manipulative.

Idk why but I imagine Tyche kids with fairy like features, maybe that’s why lots of them have a short height.

#ikemen vampire #ikevamp #otome #otome games #ikevamp mozart #ikevamp isaac #ikevamp dazai #ikevamp napoleon #ikevamp comte #ikevamp leonardo #ikevamp sebastian #ikevamp arthur #ikevamp vincent #ikevamp theo #ikevamp shakespeare #ikevamp vlad #ikevamp faust #ikevamp charles #ikevamp jean

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heyitsyn · 4 years

Text

Prove Me Wrong

M!Reader x Oikawa

a/n: SDKLFJSLDKFJDLSKF OKAY I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW ITS BEEN SO LONG SINCE I LAST UPDATED BUT I REALLY INVESTED MY TIME INTO RESEARCHING AND READING FANFICS WITH AN M!READER BC I REALLY DIDNT WANNA GET IT WRONG SO I APOLOGIZE IF I DID SOMETHING WRONG AND I HOPE THIS ANON LIKES IT!!!

anon:

-heres an interesting thought. what about flamboyant oikawa with a cold boyfriend😳😳

YEYYY I FINALLY UPDATED

LETS GET STARTED SHALL WE?

okayokayokay

so in the request above

this is a m!reader

meaning you will be male in this one so hehe yep the story starts now

you are,,,

distant

and cold

but its mainly just because you were,,,

too tired to actually put in the effort of socializing

between bouncing between part-time jobs to care for your siblings and to schoolwork and book club

the mans can only do so much

so you spend most of your time in school just trying to catch up on sleep bc youre too busy studying up all night for exams since yanno

✨gRaDuaATiOn✨

unfortunately for you, your class had the famous manwhore oikawa tooru

why is that a bad thing?

well, imagine just trying to get some shut eye and suddenly, you just hear a bunch of screaming girls and it gets louder the closer the guy approaches your classroom and when he opens it,

the screams become 10x bass boosted

then imagine that with your sensitive hearing

now,,

it does bother you but it wouldnt bother you as much if he told them to leave

BUT NOOOOOO

he decides to let them in and chat with them and flatter them and continue with that bs until the bell rings

even then,

the girls in your class cant help but keep giggling at him and he always whispers in that obnoxious voice and youre just like two seconds away from ripping his tongue out

now

you dont hate him

you just genuinely dislike his way of living

and the way he talks

and the way he acts

yea see?

no hate

theres a difference

then there was that one time that you got so fed up with it that when oikawa settled on his seat and the fangirls circled him like some cult

they started talking to him all at once trying to get his attention

so it was a garbled mess of sounds and you growled, burying your face deeper in your arms because you would snap really really soon

then one girl shrieked when oikawa smiled at her and then you really just let go of all bearings

your chair made a squeak as you shot up, palms slamming against the wooden desk and your eyes glaring straight at them

‘go back to the farm, ya squealing pigs’

DSKFJLSDFKJSDFKDJS SORRY I LOVE TSUMU

this made everyone silent-even the others in the class just minding their own business

they all knew you as the quiet kid who didnt really talk much but those who did were really scared at you and the way you talked to them with such a cold and monotonous voice that they started spreading rumors about you

even absurd ones like your eyes are so cold bc youve killed so many people that you have no life and empathy left

LIKE WHAT THE HECK YOU STRUGGLED TO GET A SPIDER OUT OF YOUR SISTERS ROOM THE OTHER DAY LIKE EXCUSE YOU

but apparently they were just,,, so scared of you that when you finally got done with them and bursted out, the girls started crying

YALL KNOW THE SAYING LIKE HELL HAS STARTED WHEN THE QUIET KID SNAPS

the females run out of the room scared and the others nervously looks at you

your eyes sweeped through the room and each one of them flinched when you made eye contact with them

YES ASSERT OUR DOMINANCE M/N

the only who didnt was oikawa tooru himself

your eyes landed on him and he still had that stupid smug look on his stupidly gorgeous face and you wanted to ki-WAIT NO SLAP it off of him

‘the hell you looking at?’

you grumbled at him and he just merely shook his head with a smile

‘you remind me a chihuahua, m/n-chan. so cute when its angry’

‘HAH?!’

now it isnt a surprise to hear oikawa tooru say that to a boy bc wowza the school loves him so much that hes a bi icon in seijoh and hes such a king like who cares?

but they were surprised to see you turn red, the tips of your ears to the base of your neck were all flushed

‘see? so cute, right, everyone?’

KSDFJLSDKJFS

THE NERVE OF THIS MAN

the class didnt say anything except just put their heads down bc as much as they wanted to agree with oikawa at how suddenly hot you looked, they were too scared that you might plummet their faces to the ground

maybe thats when everyone started noticing you more

again, you were very quiet, you didnt talk much, you just sat there and listened so obviously you didnt really stand out but then that outburst made you more noticeable

you started seeing girls in your class staring at you then blush and look away abashedly

then the guys in your class started greeting you, even people in the hallways

ngl the attention you suddenly got was overwhelming

especially when oikawa seemed to call out to you all the time now

as you were walking down the stairs, hed see you and he’d shout and wave to you

‘m/n-chan! hiii!!!!’

his loud voice would make everyone turn and look at you and you dont do well with public attention so you turn red and you glare at him

‘shut the hell up, idiot. and dont call me by my first name. we’re not friends’

you turned to walk in the classroom but you looked at him again after taking a few steps

there he was

smiling and giggling with those girls

all he does is smile and giggle and shit

its so damn fake that you cant believe everyone fell for it and the worst thing is oikawa’s doing it to get everyone’s acceptance and validication

it was pathetic and disgusting

poor oikawa :(

now on to baby flatttykawa side,

he was kinda hurt by that

like how the heck are you not friends when youve been going to high school for 3 years?

sure, its only been casual greetings and him waving at you when yall made eye contact

but its still something, right?

right?

when you walked back into the classroom, tooru cant help but feel down at the declaration of the lack of friendship you had

his form slouched and his eyes trailed down but the voice of some girl brought him back to where he was and to fix his attitude

‘oikawa-san? are you okay?’

the others muttered in concern with her but they were eased when he raised a peace sign with the signature smile

‘yep! all good!’

GOD I REALLY CANT STAND IT WHEN HE USES A FACADE TO EVERYONE BUT LIKE I LOVE HIM SO MUCH BC HES SUCH A STRONG CHARACTER THAT DOESNT BREAK AND HES SO INSECURE AND IT PAINS ME SO MUCH THAT HE FEELS THE NEED TO HIDE BEHIND A MASK EVERYDAY AND AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

truth be told,

oikawa has always noticed you

not only do you work at the one bakery with his milk bread but you also work at the convenience store that the team sometimes visits

then he also noticed you picking up your brother from the volleyball practice that takeru’s part of and he cant help but frown at the eyebags under your eyes that he always sees

he lies awake at night just thinking how you would look without those eyebags, without the sickly looking complexion, or even just the lack of life in your eyes

then during class, you sat by the window

tooru knows this bc his eyes always fixes itself on you whenever he opens that door and he has to hold in the need to hug you when he sees you sleeping on your desk

others might call you lazy

others might call you a video game all nighter kid

but they dont notice the things you do

the nervous habits hes seen from you at the times that tooru couldnt help but stare

he knew it was creepy to do it

but you were so silent

you blended yourself into the background and you made sure to stay there

thats why nobody knows anything about you

with good looks like yours and a smart brain (he knew this from mattsun and makki being your students), why exactly were you not known?

maybe thats why it drew you to him

all his life he chased,

but now hes the one chasing?

tooru knows that your left eyebrow lifts when sensei writes something you dont understands

tooru knows that you like to do sudoku in the convenience store while you worked

tooru knows you eat the same meal during lunch every day from the same lunchbox

and he also knows that your brother talks so highly about you from takeru

the little things your brother brags about like your ability to cook f/f or your weird ability to just assemble something without looking at the instruction manual

he notices and knows all these things about you

things that people never really even bothered to

oikawa didnt even know he liked you until iwaizumi pointed it out during lunch

the third years liked to go and eat at the rooftop where it was nice and windy

oikawa was sitting and leaned against the tall wire fence, his eyes fixated on you down below on the bench as you ate your lunch

then you accidentally loosened the chopsticks causing your food to slip off

that made oikawa giggle

he was chuckling and giggling that the others noticed him when he suddenly went quiet

‘oi, oikawa’

makki nudged him back to them and tooru flinched before smiling at them

‘hm? so you do notice me!’

iwa glared

‘idiot. of course we do. youre laughing over there like some damn schoolgirl. did one of your fangirls posses you or something? if not, cut it out. its ugly’

oikawa shot him an offended look

‘what?! iwa-chan so mean!’

mattsun took the liberty to peer over the edge to see what he was looking at and smirked

‘eh? were you looking at l/n-sensei?’

oikawa blushed, feeling like he just got caught doing something bad

‘and what about it? im looking at you too, right now, mattsun!’

makki cackled at oikawa’s poor attempt of reasoning

‘i mean, i dont blame you. if issei wasnt here, id definitely get with him’

SEDKLFJSDLFISDKFJ MATTSUHANA YALL :”)

oikawa’s eyes wandered back down to you and he noticed you put the bento box to the side before sneezing

‘gosh, even his sneeze is cute’

he mumbled then jolted when he heard his own words

iwa sighed

‘what are we going to do with you, shittykawa?’

‘what?! what did i do?!’

iwa’s eyes scrunched and he scrutinized his best friend

‘boke. i feel bad for that kid, doesnt know this stupid idiot likes him’

so thats how oikawa came to terms of it

he thought he was just interested and fascinated with you but he really does like you

and to be honest, he doesnt really want you to know that bc duh, you dont like him so why bother?

baby oiks doesnt interact with you much anymore bc he knows you get uncomfy with attention but he still does look out for you and decides he should just admire from afar

he will live every day just holding his feelings in for you and one day they will disappear

but today just wasnt the day

maybe today was the start of the worst yet the best part of your life

last night was particularly rough as the convenience store you worked in had a drunk person who wanted to fight with you and your manager had to call the police and it was just a mess

to add on to it, midterms were around the corner-like next week- so you were studying up for that

but your sister got sick so you were also trying to take care of her and making sure her fever was going down and her crying ever few hours about her tummy ache didnt allow you to sleep

hehehe single parent working late tingz

ALSO SHE DOESNT HAVE MISS RONA JFC

so yep haha you did NOT get any sleep

so you walked into school that morning, looking tired as hell and mad as hell but you just wanted to sleep bro

the one kid you tutor, matsukawa issei, and his friend who usually tags along, hanamaki takahiro, noticed you dazedly pass them in the hallway and poor dudes felt bad for you

mattsun actually pays you to tutor him bc he knows you need the money while taka preferred to buy you snacks and drinks as compensation

so it was normal that he had an energy drink in his bag that he was going to give you tomorrow during your tutoring day

‘oi! l/n!’

your head perked up at the call of your name and you nodded in greeting at the light brown haired boy

‘hey’

you muttered and mattsun placed his hands on your shoulder to keep you upright

‘oi, l/n, you sure you want to be here? you can go home and we can tell them youre sick or some-’

but you waved your hand

‘nonono todays an important lecture so i cant miss it’

the two guys didnt look convinced but they respected your need to be in school since they too need to be in class for midterms

‘here. at least take this’

makki placed a drink on your hand and you nodded and gave them a small smile

‘thanks’

you mumbled before wandering off

once they saw you at a distance away, makki wrapped an arm around issei to get his attention

‘ya think we should tell oikawa to keep an eye on him? make sure he doesnt keel over and die or somethin?’

mattsun stopped before nodding

‘yea thats a good idea’

SKLFJLSDKJFD NOT MATTSUHANA BEING YOUR PARENTS

oikawa was already in class when you walked in and he cant help but tear his eyes away from the girls to you as you sluggishly walked to your seat

the drop of your bag and the thud of your head meeting the desk made him worried bc you looked worse than usual

his phone buzzed and he checked it to see a message from mattsun

‘keep an eye out for your boyfriend. mightve been working late last night and yanno how he is. just watch out if he faints or something’

okay that made him super worried

totally ignoring what mattsun called you, oikawa knew he needed to talk to you

but these fangirls were the first problem

he shut his phone off and looked up at them with a grin that made them madly blush

‘ladies, class is about to start. oikawa-senpai would hate for you to be marked. so study hard for me, okay?’

like hypnotized cult members, the girls ran to their classrooms and tooru finally had the opportunity to talk to you

he stood up and walked over to your seat

‘m/n-chan’

he called out, looking down at you

‘m/n-chan’

he tried again and was about to put a hand on your shoulder when your hand snatched it

‘dont touch me, oikawa’

you grumbled and tooru furrowed his eyebrows

‘m/n-chan, i just wanted to ask if youre okay’

he whined and you didnt bother to look up but just let go of his hand

‘i was until you came over, idiot’

ouch

tooru was thankful that the teacher came in then and there bc he didnt know how to respond to that

he wanted to brush it off but it hurt him a little

and he knows he shouldnt entertain his crush on you but he couldnt looking at you and watching as you got up to use the bathroom

as class went on, oikawa was starting to worry

now again, hes no stalker bc his observation skills were just phenomenal due to volleyball

so he noticed that youve been in the bathroom for like 20 minutes now

DONT JUDGE US, OIKAWA. WE’RE JUST TRYING TO PUSH OUT THE BIG PIECE OF-

okay nevermind

anyways

tooru, worried that something happened, raised his hand to go and use the bathroom and the sensei wasnt exactly paying attention so he just let him go

thank god he has long legs bc he was able to reach the bathroom quick and he stifled a shriek when he saw your passed out form inside

‘M/N-CHAN!’

he yelled and he cursed when duh you were alone and who knows how long youve been there

and ew bathroom floors is bleh

you were in no way light but you werent exactly heavy either so he was able to muster up all his strength and hoisted you on his back

tooru’s heart thrummed in his chest and he knew it couldnt be that serious but he cant help but think of the worst

and yep

the nurse just told him that your heartbeat was okay and you were snoring so you mustve been exhausted by the dark circles in your eyes

‘keep an eye on him for me. i have to tend to midoriya over there. the kid broke his arm again and i dont know how’

she grumbled at the end but tooru didnt care as he sat on the chair next to your bed

he sighed before laying his head on the cot by your hand

his eyes settled on your face and how peaceful it looked

gosh, you really were so cute

your personality just sucked ass

constantly telling him to shut up and calling him idiot

hmph

not long after oikawa fell asleep, you woke up and cursed, immediately realizing you fainted and you missed class

as you were going to rub your eye, there was weight on your hand and you looked down to see a head full of brown hair that could only belong to a certain someone

a certain idiot

‘oi. oikawa, wake up’

you shook his head and when he didnt budge, you just pulled your hand from under him making him jump awake

at first, he was confused

looking around like a lost puppy and his eyes bleary

yea it was cute and what about it

then he noticed you sitting up and he smiled

‘you feeling better, m/n-chan?’

he asked, leaning close

but you placed your hand on his face to push him away

‘yea. and stop leaning so close, idiot’

you grumbled and he whined

‘youre so mean, m/n-chan! i was so worried about you!’

he complained and you rolled your eyes

‘i didnt ask you to be, idiot’

SLDKFJSDLKFJKL M/N IS SO MEAN WHAT THE FAK

oikawa frowned

‘i cant help it. i like you, m/n-chan’

you froze, looking at him with scrunched eyebrows

then you chuckled dryly

‘yea, okay sure. im okay now so you can go to class’

wOW OIKAWA DESERVES BETTER WHAT

tooru was taken aback

‘wh-what? thats it? after i just told you that i liked you?’

you blinked at him

‘what do you want me to say about that, oikawa? how do you want me to react? im not like your fangirls, squealing and shit’

your words cut deep in him and oikawa held your arm

‘no wait a minute. what do you mean by that? do you not believe me?’

‘who the hell believes something that’s fake?’

there was a snip in your tone and oikawa knew you were talking about this facade of his

‘what? i-’

‘you think i believe you? you telling me you like me? do you even know who you are?’

you asked and tooru sniffled, eyes staring at your chest

‘for years, you told people what you wanted them to hear, regardless if you meant them or not. not once have you ever told them no. who the hell accepts chocolates when they dont even like them to begin with?’

at that last part, oikawa snapped up to meet your eyes

‘how did you know’

you rolled your eyes

‘our brothers are friends, idiot. he gave him some of the chocolates you gave to takeru since the brat couldnt eat them all’

oddly, that brought some warmth in tooru’s chest

so he wasnt the only one who knows the stupid stuff

but you continued on your rant

‘for a guy who doesnt like sweet stuff, youve accepted their nasty treats all the time, like why? oh, wait i know why, because you want them to like you. it doesnt matter if-if this-this persona of yours isnt real because as long as they like you, you dont give a fuck. isn’t that true? am i right? because please, prove me wrong’

maybe your dislike for him came out at that tangent and you half expected him to cry but you were surprised when he glared at you with teary eyes

‘i will. ill prove you wrong, m/n, that i do like you and i will make you like me. ill make you like me with the real me. i swear.’

‘mhm. okay. sure, oikawa’

do you regret it?

i mean,,,

kinda?

but not really?

because you loved watching the girls faces fall when oikawa rejected their treats the next day

you were walking to class when you noticed him with his cult by the entrance and you saw him smiling at some girl before gently pushing away a can of cookies

‘gomen. i actually dont like sweets that much anymore. if you want, you can give me milk bread?’

you stopped and oikawa caught your eye and he grinned

you nodded in greeting before continuing to walk

but he noticed a small smile on your face and gosh oikawa sighed like a lovesick fool

it took iwaizumi to finally send him back and his fangirls were looking at him worriedly

‘could you be less obvious, shittykawa?’

rip iwaizumi hajime in episode 546546546 of daily adventures of oikawa tooru

you noticed that oikawa has started to become distant with his fangirls and hes been sticking to you during lunch, leaving behind the others

makki and mattsun looked like proud parents as they peered down over to you flicking oikawa’s forehead and they smiled

‘god, that kid deserves this’

‘hah? that sounds like more of a punishment to me. but i dont care. it takes him off our hands for a while’

IWA I SWEAR HES SO MEAN BUT HE STILL WUVS TOORU SO ITS OKAY

oikawa would pick your brother up and take him home when youre too busy to go get him yourself and sometimes, he even takes your little sister too which causes them to have a mini sleepover and you sleep there too

also, whenever youre working in the convenience store, tooru would buy sandwhiches and a drink just for you so you can eat them while youre on break and not have to waste money and you told himyou dont want him spending money on you but he doesnt wanna hear it

‘i dont want you buying me-’

‘ssshhhh dont. im doing this because i want to and becaus i care for you, m/n-chan’

overtime,

yea

sure

youve started to like him

youve started looking forward to seeing his stupidly cute face and his stupidly cute giggle

you went to his games and gave him a tight hug when hes about to play as a ritual for good luck and you would open your arms for him wide whenever he wins

then he didnt

against shiratorizawa, you noticed how he was so disappointed

even as you walked home with him, he continued to smile and tell you how good his team played

until you couldnt take it anymore

you pulled him over to some alleyway and you pushed him to the wall

DSKLFJLSDKFJLSDFJ WOW WHAT

oikawa nervously fiddled with his jacket and gave you a shaky smile

‘m/n-chan, what are you-’

‘tell me what youre feeling right here, right now. no bullshit, no lies, tell me everything in that pretty head of yours’

you deadpanned and tooru looked away

‘im fine’

‘are you lying to me, tooru?’

your voice was even but he could tell you were serious

he gulped before taking in a shakey breath

‘im fine. so stop asking about it!’

he exclaimed and you sighed

‘listen, i know its not official yet but you want me to be your boyfriend right?’

tooru flinched before he flushed at the word ‘boyfriend’

then he nodded

‘as your boyfriend, you have to lean on me, tooru. i dont want you to hold it to yourself because i wanna be there for you and i want to go through everything with you because i,,,,,’

you stopped and hesitated, debating if you should say it or not

‘because i like you, idiot’

you confessed and swallowed thickly

oikawa met your eye and his eyes watered

‘im so angry! im so disappointed! but i know my team did their 110 percent! we’re just not strong enough! so its not their fault! but ushijima is such a freak and hes too strong and its not fair!’

he complained and he cried loudly

not once in the 3 years of knowing oikawa have you seen him cry and you were so proud of him for being able to trust you enough to show him being vulnerable

you rushed forward held him close to your chest

‘for what it’s worth, you looked so incredibly hot and cute playing’

you whispered and pecked his neck

of course oikawa couldnt hold his surprise at the feeling of your lips on his neck so he squealed a little

you gigled and continued holding your boyfriend close, even if it was at some nasty alleyway

yall became official and ngl, they didnt see this coming

some nobody dating the grand king oikawa tooru?

what in the wattpad?

yall know that tiktok of like ‘guys you cant dm me anymore. i have a girlfriend now. what else? and i love her’

IF YALL DONT KNOW IM SORRY

but you totally made oikawa tell his fangirls that

YOU KNOW THE FUNNY THING?

when yall became official, you actually gained your own little fanclub

maybe its because you gained clout from your boyfriend but they started noticing you and wowza you were hot

before, it was you getting jealous over tooru but now, it was him getting possessive of you

hes such a brat that he sits on your lap before class and youre just all smirking and feeling all good bc your baby is so cute when hes jealous

YOU CANT DISAGREE THAT HE DOESNT RADIATE UKE ENERGY

but all oiks has to do is pull down your collar and expose your purple littered collarbones and they will know who you belong to

theres a reason why iwa-chan is now the kids babysitter

youre still kinda cold and distant to people but youre soft for your baby and you always hold him close when hes in sight and you just cant get enough of him

:’)

also!!

your sister loves dressing you up and oikawa has his sisters makeup and they both do your makeup and you guys have tea party with the boys and just the cutest domestic stuff

you still call him idiot though

but like affectionately yanno?

and over the years youve turned it down to dummy

and ngl tooru loves it when you call him that

what in the dumbification-

because he knows that equivalent to babe from you and he absolutely just loves you lmao

youre def the more quieter and calmer one in the relationship like you absolutely dont react much

while tooru is the overreactor and hes very animated with his facial expressions and stuff

like the one time

he was cooking some chicken pasta and you cheekily grabbed a piece of chicken and he made a dramatic gasp

‘*le gasp* oikawa m/n how dare steal a piece of chicken!’

you cackled before crossing your arms at the sight ofyour lover with his pursed lips and hands on his hips

‘excuse you. its more of you who’d take my last name’

it was so easy to make him flustered and tooru quickly turned around to tend back to the food but he was really just hiding his red face

‘b-baka. thats not going to happen’

‘not if i do it first’

you shrugged and smirked, wondering if he will fall for it

and as expected with oikawa tooru

‘yea okay sure’

‘i will!’

‘prove me wrong, m/n-chan~’

‘turn around right now’

oikawa rolled his eyes playfully before turning with a smile

‘what are you-*le gasp part 2*’

his hands covered his mouth at the sight of you there in front of him, kneeling on your knee tightly clutching a silver ring between your thumb and index finger

your heart was thrumming in your chest but you gulped and smiled

‘i win. now marry me, dummy’

oikawa screamed

a/n: sorry if this sucked booty :((( but i just really like the thought of uke oikawa and just him with a cute boyfriend for a change like please we all know oikawa is a bi king and thats on docosahexaenoic acid

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quitethepirategal · 3 years

Text

An Analysis in Threes

❥ TAGGED BY: @emcads like 30 years ago ❥ TAGGING: @riidcr @starsailingcaptain @covencrown @hookd @all-fleshed-out @evermxre @motherofredemption @bup1957 @conquistadoradelmar @seaprofound @tcthinecwnself @withinycu @windguided @daevilhorns @concordia-cum-sinistro and YOU and I spent like 8 hours on this so pLEASE READ IT PLEASE I AM BEGGING I NEED VALIDATION I’M-

repost don’t reblog. yall dont have to type this much.

MUSE: Captain Red Handed Jessica

Three Strengths:

Her adaptability and resourcefulness. Is she brave, yes. Is she lucky, also yes. But over all, she can roll with the cards she’s been dealt in a way that many would call inhumanly clever. Her intelligence, her perception, and her charisma are all different ingredients of this indomitable characteristic of hers. She can see the value in just about anything and anyone, can pick up on clues and tangents few others can follow, and can remember seemingly endless details, tho unfortunately not on command. But even then, her patchy memory seems to contribute to this adaptability as well, as it usually allows for detachment. If she can find resources everywhere, it means she can survive everywhere. There have been countless times where the wheel of fortune has suddenly turned on her and she’d lost near everything and her response was more or less Damn, ok I need food water and shelter lets go. No food? Grow food. No water? Ask someone if they have water. No shelter? Sleep outside. No money? Steal money. Can’t hear anymore? Cool I can use loud weapons. Crashed on an island? My island now. Shot? Free bullet. She knows when to push, she knows when to quit, and sometimes she knows when to gamble based on her ability ( what a man can do and what he can’t do and all that ). Strong she may be, she knows its foolish to rely on strength. Survival of the fittest actually rarely means survival of the strongest. ( edit; this is the theme for the entirety of her character. I will say it 50,000 times. I am very sorry ). And as a student of philosophy and biology, she understands that phrase better than most. Leading to our next point.

Her understanding. As I stated, her charisma is something unmatched, and is a key element in all three of her strengths. This charisma might not exist as prominently were it not for her ability to understand. She has limited ( I’ll get back to that ) but deep running empathy and while not terribly observant all the time, she is always perceptive. Not only that, but she’s personally known abuse, hardship, and uncertainty, and understands that hate or anger can be rooted in similar pain. She was schooled lightly in both Christian and Buddhist values before diving heavily into democratic philosophy, meaning she believes all being experience suffering and therefore kindness is a powerful sign of strength, but also that suffering while free and equal is better than comfort in oppression. And between her sweet words and beautiful face, she can get most people to open up in ways they themselves my not have expected. Being very good with people means she can learn from them, gain something from them, lead them, and/or use them. But Jessica isn’t a manipulator in truth; her intentions are almost always kind or healthy ones. She absolutely uses people from time to time but not EVER without them consenting to or being made aware of such because again, unlike a manipulative person, she understands that can ruin a relationship and therefore ruin a resource. What it makes for is an excellent leader, a beloved captain, and a trusted ally at most and an excellent conversationalist at the least. But her understanding isn’t just social, oh no. It’s academic as well. Armed only with his little library and the lessons of his own teachers, Jessica’s foster father tirelessly smithed her into a not just a girl who knew a lot of things, but a truly intelligent, thinking mind. He’d die before learning he’d succeeded tenfold. Jessica isn’t one to just except things as they are, facts or otherwise. She usually needs to prove it, experiment, see things from a new angle. Debates with her are fun! She has no issue admitting she’s wrong or confessing she’s never thought of it that way, and is actually wrong a lot of the time. It doesn’t bruise her ego, it excites her. It means there’s more to learn. And her ability to constantly understand new concepts paired with her ability to overwhelmingly understand people combine to make for a very powerful core idea of hers: We are fittest to survive because we all fit together. Our humanity, our empathy, our community are our strengths because they keep us united, which keeps us the fittest. No one is independent, no man is an island. People are power. And thus her final strength is just that.

Her power. While she and I still firmly state that strength isn’t everything don’t be disillusioned; its very goddamn important. And it’s something Jessica has plenty of. She is durable and clever because of her rocky early childhood, she is quick and versatile from her youth in a pirate port, she is physically strong and mighty from her years training in martial arts, and she’s an absolute crackshot after years of diligent practice with her trusty pistols. Her true strength may lie in her brains and in her allies yes, but even without them, Red Jessica is a powerhouse of a warrior. She can end fights extremely quickly or run from them without a prayer of catching her ( no shame in the later, both skills keep you alive ). And it may be in bad taste to say, but ever since loosing most of her hearing, Jess swears up and down it’s made her vision better, her reaction time faster, and her quick thinking even quicker. Yes of course she’s slowed down with age, but a bullet shoots at the same speed no matter how old you are. And you best hope she didn’t bring her firecrackers, because while sudden loud noises will absolutely temporarily discombobulate or debilitate an opponent with healthy hearing, it’ll hardly effect her at all and suddenly, you’re a sitting duck. You see those thighs? You see those calves? She can crush PINEAPPLES with them! People have seen her do it! Do you know how many micro-fractures broke and rebuilt those hands? Thousands! She can crush a trachea like a fucking beer can! She can kick you to death! One ill placed curb stomp and you are DECEASED. Sometimes she’ll just psyche you out because she KNOWS you know she can kill your stupid ass! But while her strength, mental and physical, have always been there, her power is relatively new. As stated before, people are power. Not knowledge, not money, not strength. People. She’s a fearsome warrior but she’d be useless if outnumbered. Shes a very successful pirate, but she’d never make it out of port without a crew on her ship. She found a gorgeous island, but it’d still be wild without those who built it’s piers and buildings. She manages orchards and tends to them and harvests them herself, but she would loose all of her crop without the helping hands of her employed farmers. And like I mentioned, she deeply understands this. Freedom is not independence or vice versa. Did you make the clothes on your back or the fabric that made those clothes? Did you write the books you read to make you smarter or teach you that skill? Did you plant the seed years ago that grew that orange you’re eating? No, of course not. Jessica didn’t either. Another human did. We all need each other to fill the holes in our lives that we can’t fill ourselves. Humans are puzzle pieces in that way, there is no bigger picture or prayer for survival on our own. And because of this, we can do anything we as a community, as a SPECIES work together to achieve. There is no knowledge if there’s no one to learn from, there is no money if a society don’t give it value, your money is worthless if those you’re paying decide to rise against you, your role as leader only exists at the consent of those you lead, and your strength won’t save you from a sinking ship. People are, and always will be, power. And as someone who is exceptionally strong and exceedingly smart, Jessica has slotted herself in the humanity puzzle thusly: The strong exist to protect the weak, the smart exist to educate, and the lucky exist so the unlucky may be given aid. And it is with this fairness and compassion that she has won the trust of so many. She has a great many friends and allies even outside of those in her crew or on her island. And she can make many more with ease. That kind of power is not a power to be trifled with, even if she can kick your ass six ways to Saturday without it.

Three Weaknesses:

She suffers ADHD. Now before ANY OF Y’ALL SAY ANYTHING, I myself also suffer ADHD. And yes I do say suffer because well that’s what it causes for Jessica and I, suffering. Yes, it is ableist language to say ‘suffering from’ rather than ‘has’ or ‘is diagnosed with’ and yes it perpetuates a stigma against us but god DAMN IT in both Jessica’s case and mine, it make life much much harder than it needs to be. At the end of the day, Red Jessica is a fantasy of mine; I pour myself into her whether I mean to or not. She’s the adult I wish I was, the person I might be if I had no anxiety, or brainfog, or lived in a world were I didn’t need a credit score or a degree. And even then, I can’t say I know anyone else’s problems better than my own. So if my character has problems, by sheer osmosis they are going to reflect some of mine. Both of the characters I write have ADHD because I have ADHD and I couldn’t even begin to know how a non-ADHD mind works to write it properly. And no, I’m not being dramatic when I say it causes me suffering. I can’t drive, I can’t hold down a job, I nearly flunked out of school, I still cant read very fast or spell very well, I am constantly overwhelmed by mundane things, I’m a slow learner, I forget very important things or recent things, I forget about things that mean the world to me, I forget about people, I stumble through tasks, I procrastinate hobbies and basic hygiene, and everything I do takes all goddamn day and I can only really do one important thing at a time and in order of importance. If I have a date at 4pm, I’m dressed and ready at 11am because I’ve gotta do the important thing first or else I will forget to do the important thing. I started typing this at a little before 5pm. It’s 7;30. It’ll probably be 10 o’clock at night by the time I fucking finish ( edit: l m a o its 1am bitch you thought ). I’m 26 and am just medicated enough to barely function. So yeah. Suffering is the word. Though for Jessica, perhaps suffering is a tad strong of a word. Her ADHD affects her ability to function in far less debilitating ways ( though whether that’s a result of a less severe diagnosis than me or the result of the society, situations, and responsibilities she functions in and around are far different from mine, who’s to say ). For her, she has very consuming hyperfixations that can last anywhere between weeks to decades, a spotty memory that is detail and memento oriented, she’s scatterbrained more often then not but can focus with amazing clarity on her interests or in high adrenaline situations, is is ABYSMALLY bad at math and EXCRUCIATINGLY bad with numbers ( as opposed to me, who is good at numbers but shit at spelling or reading ), she can forget anything no matter how important it is to her or to anyone, she’s bad with names and dates, is COMPLETELY time-blind, has trouble prioritizing, and of course, wile not actually that materialistic, she absolutely has the ol’ magpie instinct. While her poor memory assists in her adaptability and ability to move on, it also means she forgets things she needed to remember, like when the last time she bathed was and who this person is and what happened between her and someone else or what conversation’s shes had. Unfortunately this means she’s a very good friend and leader... while you’re around and interacting with her on at least a weekly basis. It’s almost a lack of object permanence in both a social and very real sense. If something is not right in front of her, odds are she’s not going to think about it. And while its something she constantly kicks herself for and actively tries to be better about, it applies to people too. Face to face is the best way to interact with her; she won’t think to write you and in her modern verse she won’t think to ever call and she’ll text you back in perhaps a few days. She doesn’t value you any less, I promise. She’s just either distracted or overwhelmed. Also, for someone as understanding as her, she is surprisingly self-centered. Not selfish, self-centered. She’ll talk about herself more than she should, and will assume people understand that she’s doing so as a form of showing empathy rather than bragging when they may not know this at all. Actually she accidentally assumes all the time. It was far worse when her hearing was functional; she’d finish your sentence for you or guess what it was you were going to say ( again, not to talk over, you but to show she understands you and the conversation, tho it usually came of as annoying or patronizing ). Sometimes she mistakenly assumes you believe or know the same things she does without even realizing it. Maybe she perceives the right idea off of someone but isn’t observant enough to notice anything past that. And while she is willing to change her mind about things, she might change her mind a tad too quickly. She’s an over-sharer and is horrible at keeping any kind of secret. Romantic relationships tend to fizzle out. Her impulse control is improving but has a VERY long way to go. She’s always chasing something new. All and all, when you’re a pirate, a librarian, or even a captain, all of these things may be irritating and inconvenient, but are overall manageable in chunks. ...But as a governor to her island, as a leader of an entire population... oof. In the position of leadership that she’s in, she can’t afford to make too many massive mistakes, and she knows this. ‘There is no power quite like the power of being underestimated’ is a phase you’ll hear her say a lot but for her, there is a shift in connotation. If people expect less and you do more that’s a great upper hand in any situation but for her, it was a safety net. Having ADHD sometimes means going months or years being fine and then eventually you fuck up and everyone around you wonders how in the world you managed to do that. She has only barely avoided disaster more times than she’d like to admit. Even with the resourcefulness, the understanding, and the power she wields, she’s finally starting to realize that she’s bit off more than she might be able to chew, with the entire well-beings and livelihoods of others on the line. And she fears that one day she’ll play her cards wrong and everything she’d built, everything she’s done, will all come crashing down in ruin.

She is Hard of Hearing. This one is literally as simple as it sounds: she has moderate and degenerative hearing loss and tinnitus after years of canons, explosions, gunshots, and a definitive, scale tipping attack in her early 30s. Her ears just don’t work at all like they used to. The whole world sounds like it would if everything was underwater: she can’t pin point the location of sounds, how far off or close sounds are, and barely registers changes in volume. And it only gets worse the older she gets; one day she won’t hear anything at all. And while yes, again, it might be very harsh and ableist to say, the truth of the matter that being deaf a “ weakness ” more often than its a strength. That said, it very well can be a strength. I’ve already mentioned that trick with the firecrackers and let me tell you it is a DAMN EFFECTIVE TRICK. Shes around explosions and canons and guns all the time and now she can focus while being around them five times better than she could in the past! But unfortunately it also means she’s very easy to sneak up on, she sometimes isn’t aware of danger until it’s nearly too late, no one can get her attention or warn her across any distance, it’s very easy to escape from her, and it’s easy for her to be just... left out of things. She might hear you talking, but she has little to no idea what you’re saying without sign or lipreading. Some people don’t have the patience or even just the courtesy to speak slower, or clearer, or repeat themselves a lot. Though, those last too thinks aren’t weaknesses of hers so much as they are the weakness of others, but they still negatively affect her self esteem and her effectiveness as a leader. All of this has taught her to pick her battles carefully, and plan around the elements of surprise and discombobulation. And while communication was tricky at first, it only got easier, and now she can talk to you almost like anyone can, so long as she’s looking you in the face.

That damn bleeding heart. We have established a number of things that should easily add up to an overly empathetic, trusting, fight-the-good-fight, martyr-some, idealistic pushover; she believes humanity and kindness are strengths, she has taken on the role of leader and then a provider, she has known suffering and tasked herself with ending the suffering of others to the best of her ability, she lacks the clarity of mind to assume people aren’t just as good or capable as her automatically, she can have poor impulse control at times, she wants to have relationships, and ( while I never stated this outright yet it can be inferred ), she believes that being able to see yourself in others is the foundation of humanity and ( as i did say outright ) humanity is what keeps us unified and unity is what makes us fit and strong. Keeping up? Good. Here’s the curve ball: How can she whole hardheartedly preach and believe all of this, to the point of it being the foundation of her character, WHILE BEING A VIOLENT THIEVING AND BLOODTHIRSTY PIRATE?! HOW, MANGO? HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE?! MAKE IT MAKE SENSE!! Ok, fine, sure, I will. I’m sure about one half of you are looking up from the screen and going “ Oh yeah, wow I totally forgot that bit. “ and the other half got about two and a half paragraphs in before squinting and silently calling bullshit. So let me explain. In short, she’s a detached hypocrite and is well aware and unashamed of her hypocrisy while far less aware of her detachment. I’ll cover both: Western culture as a whole seems to be under the impression that hypocrisy, despite context or importance, is automatically bad. I don’t know where this comes from personally ( my bet is Christianity but I have exactly 0 evidence ) but its a very... flawed idea. Take the freedom of speech vs racism problem; say you owned a bar where all could speak their mind freely over cold drinks. Excellent concept without context, right? Sure. ....Then a die hard racist covered in slurs and symbols walks in and orders- what are you going to do? The correct answer is to throw him out instantly. Not let him sit so long as he doesn’t cause trouble, not just ignore him and hope he doesn’t return, you throw him out. Is it hypocritical? Yep! Sure is! But it is also 100% necessary to protect your other patrons because if you don’t, the racist starts feeling safe and bringing his racist buddies, literally everyone else starts feeling unsafe and starts to hang out elsewhere, and two months later, ta da! You now own a n*zi bar and there is literally nothing you can do about it. Jessica is in a somewhat similar situation. You as a pretend bar owner need to make a decision as who to let into your bar and who to throw out for the good of all of your patrons. Jessica too is faced daily with that decision. If she want’s to help as many people as possible, the only realistic way she can do that are by protecting those under her leadership... only. She is surrounded by hateful, angry, sneaky, traitorous, abusive, or otherwise evil people. Piracy as a profession and poverty in general can do that to a person. Of course there is a clear difference between those down on their luck and desperate, and the truly cruel and twisted, but unfortunately both types of people yield the same wrongdoings. It’s absolutely her nature to extend a hand to anyone and everyone but.... she just can’t anymore. Too many times has her trust been betrayed, too many times has she gotten in peoples business trying to be helpful, only for her to absolutely bite her in the ass. Too many time the extended hand is bitten and once or twice, she’s actually made things worse. Now, she will only help someone she loves, someone under her leadership, or someone who seeks her out. That’s it. And even then, sometime it manages to bite er in the ass. But she had to set that hard limit for herself out of necessity, one she does her absolute best to adhere too and... these days she adheres a little too well. That leads us to our next point; what I was alluding to at the beginning of her Understanding essay when I said she has limited but deep running empathy. That detachment again, courtesy of a very unattached mother and unchecked ADHD. ( It isn’t a strong enough characteristic to even rank as a strength or a weakness but damn if it isn’t an undercurrent to a lot of her motivations and experiences. ) Strangers are fair game that she tries to ignore, but if she even perceives you as a threat, you could be in danger. Like anyone used to violence or perhaps anyone trapped in an us verses them mindset, she can just... flat... turn her empathy off. Not on command, she’s not a socio or psychopath persay. But she has become totally numb to the horror of violence via her warrior upbringing that, in her mind, violence can actually be rather fun. Pair that with the fact that she purposely tailored herself to only be empathetic to her allies and boom. You get a kindhearted killer. Cops and soldiers in our world do it literally every day. Actually anyone can do it really, even you if you tried. You don’t have to be evil or even angry to kill or steal or lie... you just have to believe you’re right.

Three Secrets:

WHAT SECRETS?! LMAO this bitch is the oversharing queen!! I’ve been typing and pondering her character for literal hours ( its currently 11:16, fuck you adderall ), and I still can not think of a single goddamn secret. There is nothing about her that at least five random people don’t fucking know about!! The only secrets she has are secrets she knows about other people and even then she is!! literally the worst!! She spills her guts left and right and yet she wants to be a mysterious bitch SO BAD like BABE I love you, you’re precious, but you are a dumbass attention seeking validation chasing adhd CLOWN girl!! Stop telling random people about your hermaphroditism or your dairy allergy or your dead dad or that time you fell asleep in a barrel like that is literally your uber driver Jessica honey come ooooon. I’m skipping this section mom holy fuck.

Three Fears:

What if she does wrong by everyone who trusts her? As stated at the end of the ADHD essay, she’s terrified of failing those she leads. Where it as simple as personal failure, she’d be fine. Ever if her entire world came crashing down on top of her she’d either die or start back from square one. Death is a fact of life and her adaptability means she can just dust herself off and move on, so neither her death nor her failures really scare her... But it isn’t just her life and happiness at stake, is it? Not anymore, right? What started as a leader of a small gang of rebels became a full crew, then a crew became a slew of allies, then those allies built a town and now... now she’s the governor of the Crimson Isle and there are nearly twenty five HUNDRED lives at her mercy. HER mercy. One really, really bad mistake could ruin their livelihoods or spark disorder and disloyalty. And if she died? Would whoever it is that will take her place be as good to them as she is? Is she good enough to begin with in the first place? Every day the paperwork gets a little bit thicker, every year there’s a new baby or two. And the isle has fertile soil sure but will it last? Are they prepared for a raid or a hurricane? And if Jessica trusts the wrong people, where her people right to trust her? ...can I protect them? Can I protect them?! CAN I PROTECT THEM?!

Who am I if I’m not interesting? This is, literally, an entirely subconscious fear. She’s not at all aware it exists and therefor this entry is short. But between her short time with her very unimpressed mother, her own ADHD, she is constantly hungry for attention without even realizing it. She must be interesting and intriguing and engaging, and I did mention she wants to also be mysterious. She wants not so much your input or even your validation - but rather if shes not perceived then.... is she really there? Remember, she is unaware of any of this. And fortunately she’d never been starved for attention to act out over it in the first place, even when her disinterested mother was alive. Look at her; she’s radiant, she’s beautiful, and she’s 6′4 / 195 cm shredded and covered in cool scars. Without even opening her mouth, without even her colorful clothes, she’s kind of automatically interesting. So she’s never been so desperate for attention that she acts out because she’s never been without it for very long. But it’s there. Hungry, aching, silent. Those years after the M branding were horrible and she could never really explain why. She still throws parties, organizes festivals, and talks to damn near anyone who will listen. Look at my art! Look at my library! Listen to how much I know! Let me tell you how lovely you are! Look at my scares! Look at my hair! Look at me haha, please, please look at me.

GHOSTS. NOPE. No. NO. Fuck ALL of that noise. Stay dead, go to hell, eat a dick. Red Jessica is a scientist and superstitious atheist. As an academic and somewhat bi-cultural woman she simply thinks there are far too many religions with far too much history for any of them to be considered The One True Thing You Must Believe Or ElseTM and she tends to not truly believe anything until she finds some kind of proof. Shes not afraid of the unknown, shes thrilled by it. She’s not afraid of death or the afterlife, that’s beyond her control. She’s only superstitious because she does believe in and value luck, and also its a bit of a cultural habit. BUT IF SOME SHIT STARTS MOVING ON ITS OWN OR IF SHE SEES SOME BULLSHIT IN THE CORNER OF HER EYE THEN SHE IS OUT OF THERE. OUTIE 5000. She has heard the tales of lost souls from purgatory or the eternally ravenous Pret or dangerous Phi Tai Hong or the tragic and startling Banshees or the creepy Santa Compana and she wouldn’t believe a word of it where it not for one thing. SHE FUCKING SAW ONE. She’ll never forget it, it was the first and last time she EVER attempted to plunder a tomb all Skyrim style and at first she thought it was one of the crewmean being creepy as shit until she got a good look and he was SEE THROUGH AS SHIT AND SKINNY AS FCUK AND SHE GOT LITERALLY CHASED THE FUCK OUT OF THAT JOINT. She does not CARE that some ghosts are just apparitions she does not CARE that some are friendly and trying to warn her of something if you are MOVING and DEAD at the SAME time get FUCKED. If any of y’all cringe try-hards bring a Ouija board to the party you are getting SENT HOME and BLOCKED. NO CAP.

Three Goals:

She really only has one left. Listen its... almost 1am and ive been typing since like 5pm i think i covered goals somewhere in here but ive gotta throw in the towel but even then I’m kinda being serious. Her only remaining goal is to find a suitable heir of some kind. She wants what she’s built to fall into worthey hands but she could never seem to find a good parter and even when she did she couldn’t sustain a pregnancy ( you’d think that would be a huge deal but it hardly mattered to her oddly ). So at 50 the option of having kids is out but there’s still plenty of hope for either adoption or a protege. But then again, she’s so busy these days that she hardly prioritizes it like she wants to.

holy shit i need some water...

#i.... i did it.. its done.. its DONE #...this took my entire saterday #i will literally pay yall actuall dollars to read all of this please... it took so long i dont want it to be for nothing qwq #x; EVER PLAYED CRAZY EIGHTS? { dash games }#x; QUITE THE PIRATE GAL { portrait }#x; WHY AREN'T YOU A CLEVER ONE? { meta }

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eldritchqueerture · 3 years

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i did hold back before but...i crave your thoughts on 122 👉👈 (also i hope nothing I've said before clouds your judgement lol)

hell yeah lets go!! i really enjoyed doing the previous one so if there's more you'd like me to do then shoot!

ok honestly i don't remember this one. the title is zombie and all i remember is the statement was about zombies and i think jon is freshly out of the coma and alludes that he feels like a zombie?? thats what you get for binging the whole thing

anyways

hi alex

it did appear by magic! georgie was on it the whole time

tim ;_;

OK BUT HONESTLY yall really fucking. jon wakes up from a six month coma feeling okay and yall are like "That Is Not Right." JUST BE GLAD OH MY GOD i want to give him a hug, i know what season 4 is about and no one is happy to see him awake and alive (aside from Martin), no one lets Jon know they're glad he's there and im soooooooooo mad

GEORGIE I LOVE YOU BUT YOU GOTTA STOP OH MY GOD

ohhhhhh okay i remember what the statement was about

okay gosh, this one really makes you think. it does hit me a bit, the "i know what my pain and joy feel like but when i look at the others i dont feel anything", that would be a study of empathy and how it works. i always relate stuff to myself because i basically major in self-study (and also subjective learning) and sometimes i do relate to that. like i just have an emotional obstacle and i can't read people at all, and even if i want to empathize and try to feel what they're feeling, it's just not there and i have to remind myself that they are in the emotion right now even if i am not and like, communication is so so important. but sometimes, i get the exact opposite of that and i just feel people's emotions translated into my own, what i imagine they're feeling at the moment and it's really really intense i don't know what i wanted to say anymore. let's carry on

i like danielle. same girl, i also find explaining shit to others really helpful with learning

ok but this concept of philosophical zombies is really dangerous because yeah people might seem like they're not "feeling" their emotions fully inside, but like. not everyone is expressive. some people are very much internalizing their emotions and might be less expressive, to a point sometimes when you think that they're not feeling. i think it was a thing that shows up in autistic people sometimes? i might be wrong, i don't remember and im not doing any fact checking rn. but take me, for example, i am very much not an expressive person and i have to actually put effort into unlearning internalizing every emotional reaction i have (hello trauma) because my mind has set this as a default reaction and it takes care of it outside of my consciousness at this point, resulting in dissociation. and if i dissociate, you will not see an emotion on my face that i have not consciously approved to appear there. try not feeling fake (/s)

thats actually why i think i just moved on from this statement, no thoughts. weird concept, not a fan

"liam certainly cried out when i cut his hand and he did a good impression of grief when his fish died" see thats. thats the thing that leads to unethical science experiments. i think there was a thing when some people believed babies couldnt feel pain. you can imagine what that led to. don't quote me on that but i recall something about it from my classes

but apart from my psychological brainrot, that seems to be a theme in horror, the concept of "not everyone among us has a soul/feels emotions and are just hollow, some of us are just pretending", cause it is also a thing in Curse of Strahd (dnd campaign) and i guess it is kinda scary

"a smile so fake it practically glowed" thats an interesting way to describe a fake smile

i mean, i know that this is a statement of the Stranger and all, but if I was a s1 Archivist this would seem like a classic "I'm glad you came to us with this, here's a list of mental health professionals you probably should consult while we follow up on your case"

OKAY THEORY this guy following the statement giver is an avatar of the stranger (or a manifestation or wtv) and it's not that the rest of those people were zombies or anything, the Stranger was just causing paranoia (like it did with Jon in s2) this might seem like an obvious observation but i was not thinking about this when i listened to this the first time

"(...) no research done by myself or... the team." CAN YOU HEAR ME SOBBING

"how do you know you're the same person that went to sleep" you dont! actually! there was a philosopher who was talking about that, that every minute of your life changes you and you're never the same person you were before

what did he do to mahtin.

god i really went off there didn't i? jshgwerguwrh hope you enjoyed that! and thank you for sending another one!! <3

#ask #sunflowers-and-frogs #ask game #tma #tma relisten

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tthael · 4 years

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Dude your writing is so stunning. I was gonna ask if you took any creative writing courses or something and saw you majored in literature so like no wonder lol. I wish to write as good as you but as someone who wants to drop out of college I dont see that happening. Anyway you're awesome and I hope you have a good day 💙💙

I am going to tell you a secret.

I did not learn how to write like this in college.

Most of my creative writing classes (and I only took 4) taught me to read. They were all workshops, and collaborative, and I learned how to read a piece of writing and identify what it was about--and that’s very different from identifying what the writer intended to write. It taught me to read a story about an adult whose divorced mother is remarrying and say, “Okay, but I don’t think that this story is about the capitalist recompartmentalization of families the way that the title seems to indicate. I think that the questions posed by the premise are ‘where are my roots? where does my identity come from? what dynamics do I retreat to when I need to feel safe, and what do I do when that refuge is taken away?’“ And identifying what a story is actually about is a very important part of the writing and revision process. Workshops also taught me to take critique without taking it personally, and to assess what was a critique worth taking, and whether the giver knew what they were talking about and what their opinion is worth.

Most of my literature courses taught me to think critically--in the sense of “identify this and examine what it means.” What does it mean, in Parable of the Sower, that empathy can be weaponized and used to incapacitate others? What does it mean, in RENT, that Benny is offering the protagonists jobs in their fields and they’re eschewing in favor of authenticity and integrity? What does Watership Down have to say about the nature-vs.-nurture argument and its limitations?

But I did not learn how to write like this in college. I learned how to write like this from fandom.

Some things came pre-loaded. I like writing dialogue, and I’ve been told I’m good at it, and I think it’s because eventually I worked out that nobody ever manages to say exactly what they mean and communication is frequently less like an arrow aiming for a target and more like a small boat bumping up against a dock while the people onboard try to tie their ropes to secure it. I like characters over action, and that’s reflected in the stories I tell--all very heavy character-driven stories, where the ratio of introspection to actual events is very high.

Z. Z. Packer’s “Drinking Coffee Elsewhere” taught me to appreciate the way that characterization leads to action; but I never put that into practice until I went on (forgive me) tumblr and started reading meta. dear-wormwoods is one of my biggest sources of Eddie characterization meta, and that has influenced my fics more than anything else in fandom, though we’ve never spoken. When I was reading bagginshield, I read avelera’s meta for them.

But I’ve also found that many of the best meta writers (that I’ve found anyway) are also the best writers I’ve read. I went straight from avelera’s bagginshield literary analysis to their Pacific Rim fanfiction “the only way out is down” and reading their commentary on how they shaped the work during revision. I read amarguerite’s “Some Friendlier Sky” (Les Miserables fanfiction) and then “An Ever-Fixed Mark” (Pride and Prejudice) and I started asking her questions--”you compare Courfeyrac to a cat, and then Mr. Darcy to a cat, even though they’re very different characters. What’s the thought process there?” and she told me and we talked about it. I read chrononautical’s “A Road from the Garden” (The Hobbit) and went line by line picking out the things I liked in the comment, and I had this sudden epiphany about how Tolkien shows the dwarves as sets of brothers, which means that they are technically a race of brothers in their presentation, so it was GENIUS to play around with the brother dynamic in a work like that and reflect on how frequently an individual will tolerate mistreatment of themselves that they would never permit to happen to someone they loved--like, say, a brother.

I learned the basics of literary criticism and critical analysis from college, and from reading the western canon and trying to pick apart things that were useful to me. But it’s so much easier when everything is written in vernacular instead of faux-detached academic writing, and when everyone involved is genuinely excited about and dedicated to the work instead of being forced to dwell on The Old Man and the Sea yet again, and when there’s space for people to go back and forth analyzing and agreeing or saying “but what if” or rejecting and are just united by this love of the content or the characters or the book or the history.

You can learn to write like--well, you would write like you, not like me, that’s how style is. But you don’t have to go to college to do it. My current style is not the product of the institution that gave me my degree--it’s the product of more recent years’ immersion in fanfiction (and more recently some traditionally published original work) and music and content I get for free online. And you can also get a circle of people who are happy to write together, read each other’s work, comment on each other’s strengths and the things they like, make suggestions as to how to improve things. You don’t have to do that in college. You just have to read and write a lot, and the things that you read will influence what writing you produce, and in identifying what you like about the things you read and how they do the things they do, you will be able to look at your own work critically and shape it more towards your satisfaction.

The work I’m writing for IT is some of the best work of my life. TTHAEL is the first long work I’ve completed to my satisfaction. Indelicate is the first thing I’ve written that I feel is really exemplary of my style. Margot’s Room is the first self-contained short work I’ve completed to my satisfaction--and the first explicit sexual content I’ve written that I’m happy with both level of detail and atmosphere. Even Automatic-Mechanical-Pneumatic--which I wrote and posted in the same day, so it’s more of a draft--I look at it and recognize it has pacing issues (you can tell I was racing a clock to get the words out), some of the symbolism is too overt because the characters are too self-aware of it, at one point I tripped up and referred to a character by the real-world inspiration--but that’s a solid draft and it has good parts.

You don’t have to go to college to learn to write. Writing is a skill, and writing is work. And there are advantages that people in colleges have re: networking and libraries and available resources and professors who are being paid to give you feedback. But no institution is going to put you through a four-year program and at the end you’ll come out a “finished” writer, with no more room to improve. That’s something you have to do on your own.

#anon #ask #writing advice #my fic #indelicate #tthael #automatic-mechanical-pneumatic #a-m-p

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lgbtpolitics · 4 years

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Do you think comparing two different types of oppression is bad? Not like ranking them but explaining say homophobia to a straight woman by relating it to her experiences of sexism. I just see a lot of people saying its bad but I don't get why.

I don't personally think its inherently bad, it just depends how you go about it. I think primarily people understand each other by trying to relate their experiences. I certainly don't think thats a bad instinct. As you said it can help people see what is happening with a different group if they can see what is happening to their own group. It can also work the other way (probably less common) I know this guy who, when I met him was convinced that racism just wasnt a big deal (he was a person of colour) he just thought it only existed in tiny fringe groups and just had no baring on life. But, as he got to know me, and we studied physics so theres a fair amount of sexism, and he could see the differences in how people treated me vs him and the other guys in ways which were not overtly like "I hate women", and me and him talked about these things a lot, and that kind of helped him understand how he had experienced racism in more subtle ways, and how it does impact on peoples lives, including his that he hadn't necessarily picked up on because its always been a part of his life. So yeah, systems of oppression are similar to each other in a lot of ways and I dont think we need some kind of blanket ban on comparing them.

Having said that, I think there are two things we should be careful with. The first is assuming different systems of oppression always work the same, and the same rules should always apply. You see a lot of people saying like "If you wouldnt say it about x group dont say it about y group" which is like... yeah I get where you're coming from but its not necessarily always right. An example of which is I saw the other day someone asking why it is acceptable for black men to talk specifically about racism from white women, but if a white woman talked about sexism specifically from black men that would be racist. And it make me pause, and actually although the tone of the question seemed in bad faith, i dont think asking yourself and others these questions is a bad thing really. But the answer to that is that sexism and racism aren't the same. White women and white men do, generally speaking, express racism in different ways, so it merits talking about. Whereas black men, to my knowledge, do not express sexism in distinctly different ways to white men. So theres really no reason to aim criticisms of sexism at black men in general, other than a racially motivated sentiment. And I think its important that we keep in mind that there are differences, and you cant always just apply the same rules.

The second thing I think we should be mindful of is moving from comparing oppression, to leveraging oppression. So like, you should support equality for people with no strings attached. If they themselves are problematic, centre the actual problem in criticisms of them. This is similar to what I was saying about that daft comic: its not aimed at promoting empathy for other causes by explaining a connection with homophobia, its making out that the root problem is the caring about gay rights in itself. Its saying dont care about being accepted for being lgbt until every other issue is solved.

I think this stems from (and Im about to go on a tangent not directly related to the question so feel free to skip this but), this sentiment of like "We should care more about people who are more oppressed and start from there" and whilst that's a nice sentiment and all, practically it ignores several issues. A) Its basically impossible to determine who is the "most oppressed", in some scenarios there is clearly someone who experiences more oppression but its not some kind of tangible line, like yes working class single mothers are more oppressed than middle class gay couples but, there are also gay working class single mothers, so this kind of "class politics should outweigh homophobia" just doesnt really work B) it assumes there is like no correlation between more acceptance for middle class gay people and more acceptance for working class gay people and I hate that idea with a passion. The sentiment that drives this kind of mentality is effectively that some oppression cancels out other oppression like this idea of gay acceptance doesnt help people financially so its irrelevant to working class people. And as a working class gay woman I do actually take offense to this. Would more acceptance of homosexuality have solved my atrocious education at my underfunded school, my shower that hardly worked, my parents always being at work... Well, no, but it would have helped my constant fear of being discovered to be a lesbian. It might have stopped me from obsessively dating boys and developping no understanding of how to tell if I like someone which I still havent really worked out. It might have helped me to have friends that I felt actually knew me. It might have stopped me from becoming weirdly secretive about stuff that doesnt even matter because I'm just accustomed to lying to people in my life. The inference of believing gay acceptance doesnt help working class gay people is effectively saying "Well shes too working class to experience homophobia, maybe when shes richer she'll care about gay rights". And yeah I do think that is reductive and insulting. I believe people have some kind of good intentions but really it leaves me entirely cold.

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covert-schizoid · 4 years

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HelloI was wondering what your experience with szpd is and how you came to believe you had it Ive been questioning lately on whether or not I have it since I don't really want to be in a relationship and have no close friends outside of my family in fact I isolate myself a lot away from my family because I dont really relate to them or feel close or feel like becoming close I also have a feeling of emptiness butsometimes have intense emotional mood swings and also have had unstable relationships

First off, sorry for the late response, I was gonna type something up and then Things Started Happening which took most of my mental energy. Now that I've got a better handle on Things, I've got time to actually answer this so let's get started.

For me, it's important to note I'm a Covert Schizoid, so my experience is going to be different in a few important ways from Schizoid classic (Overt Schizoids)- so keep that in mind when comparing my experiences to yours.

I started seriously looking into self dxing in high school, when some of my symptoms (particularly maintaining my mask) started to really wear on me. I didn't feel comfortable bringing my symptoms to my parents (kinda awkward to go "hey mom, hey dad, I've been faking all our interactions for most of my life and it's really tiring, therapy mayhaps?) So going to any kind of therapist was pretty much out of the question. I decided to write down my symptoms before looking into anything as I didn't want to bias myself and so I'd always have a touch point to compare back to (which you seem to have done also).

This was my list: the main thing was the creation and maintenance of my mask (mimicking emotions, faking a particular personality to use for social interaction, learning scripts, reading/manipulating people etc.), leading to heavy burnouts if used too long (sometimes accompanied by feeling trapped and suffocated by the mere presence of another human being), and the admittance of not feeling much if anything in the way of emotion under the mask (and even "extreme" for me seemed to only reach normal for others) which I describe as void but its not all consuming or anything like that it's just... a factual state of being, extreme boredom, dissociation/depersonalization, lack of strong motivation/desire, lack of emotional empathy (tho I do have cognitive empathy I've worked to build), sense sensitivity (touch, smell, hearing), lack of appetite (sometimes due to lack of interest in food, lack of taste, lack of pleasure). This behaviour started as far back as primary school/kindergarten.

Basically just anything that seemed odd to me that I didn't observe in others or caused me discomfort. Then I started down the usual suspects, Occam's Razor and all that, chances are it'd be something more common. But while one or two things in diagnostic lists for depression and autism fit it wasn't nearly enough to get a diagnosis, or more importantly, explain what I was experiencing. I almost thought autism as I looked into personal experience as well to gain insight on what certain criteria looked like in practice, and girls with autism had something similar to my masks; but again it didn't fit the more I looked into it. Particularly the use of it in the want for “real connection” and “wanting to be accepted” which I did not have.

So I was forced to look further, and actually almost skipped over Szpd. I kept it on the list as it explained many of my underlying symptoms far better than depression or autism but it didn't have anything for the masks as far as I knew- and that was my main symptom. It also fit some of my life experiences, small to nearly nonexistent friend groups and such, but it couldn't explain my social abilities. I was looking into sociopathy and only on one of their info boards did I run into the term "secret schizoid". And boy, all it took was one search for it to have everything just click into place. It fit all the reasons I'd originally dismissed Szpd, and reading peoples accounts of living "covert" was like reading a day in my life.

Acting, playing a part, but ultimately detached from it all in that internal uncaring void. I maintained relationship because they benefited me, and dropped people when the cost of maintaining it outweighed what they could do for me. Only my immediate family was somewhat important to me and even now I only had four people I'd consider real friends in my whole life- only two still in it- and I'd still throw it all away in a heartbeat if I could live isolated in a house somewhere with my needs met if it meant I never have to see anyone again (Unfortunately, we "Live In A Society" and I need a "Job" to buy food and shit, so I gotta keep pretending to be a Normal Human Person). But there was my answer, that was my mask, that was my burn out. I dissociate 'cause that just what happens when you put on a front for that long to interact with -but always keep yourself separate- from the world. Lack of emotion and empathy was just classic Szpd under all that, same with boredom, motivation, and even the appetite bits as it was discussed a while back was anhedonia affecting food for others with Szpd.

By all accounts Covert Szpd explained every one of my symptoms perfectly (except the sense sensitivity, that’s prob just it’s own thing). The mask experiences being the most telling for me. I'd highly recommend reading peoples day in the life experiences on discussion boards to see if they speak to you- it was always what I found most helpful.

I jumbled your two main questions together a lot but I hope you can parse something useful from all this. From what little you shared I obviously can't tell you one way or the other if you have Szpd or not. Some of the things you mentioned could fit sure, but so could any other number of disorders. But if you do have Szpd, I'd say you should also look into a comorbidity for those mood swings- those aren't a Szpd trait but that doesn't disqualify you from having it. If you have one personality disorder it's not uncommon to have overlap or comorbidity with others.

#szpd #ask

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ananobrain · 4 years

Text

Geraldine works for the twelve (and might have killed Kenny)

So, everyone agrees that geraldine always felt a bit off and useless, right? She’s always around the house being, as she said, “hyper-empathic” (which by itself could be a personality disorder https://exploringyourmind.com/hyper-empathy-syndrome-much-good-thing/) and overall just a good daughter helping her mom over come grief and blahblahblah — bullshit.

I had this revelation while watching 3.07 so I’m basically going to analise a few scenes of that episode that might have gone unnoticed (while bringing a few dialogues of this season), bare with me.

1. Hélene explaining her concept of monster to Villanelle During that scene, Hélene says: “monstruous people like you often feel they have to fly solo like they have to keep things bottled up inside them. Thoughts. Feelings. Secrets. And that can affect their ability to be truly monstruous.” and then “whatever it is you can tell me. I dont want us to keep secrets from each other.” and something about that clicks with how Geraldine acts, always sharing, trying to make Carolyn talk and open up. Maybe that’s just her being hyper empathic or maybe that’s just her trying to use her mother’s grief as a way to get information out of her. As Geraldine said in 3x02,

2. Carolyn investigating Paul with Mo.

So, this scene is important for many reasons, one of them is to figure out how Paul hides his work for the twelve while living his life doing “standard white people stuff”

and then, it gets obvious:

- a bottle of chablis, a stir-fry kit and a bath bomb. what does that say to you?

- that he’s planning a lovely evening in?

hold onto that.

3. The shrink talking about Irina to Konstantin x Irina mentioning Stanislavsky

Ok, throughout the seasons we had some resemblance between Irina and Villanelle, they’re both very smart, dramatic and as far as psychology goes, we know that psychopaths are born and sociopaths are “made”, sort of, and these lines get kinda blurry during the show.

So, Irina’s shrink describes her as: extremely bright and also manipulative. calculating. almost entirely lacking empathy.

But empathy is a funny thing in this show. Villanelle’s showing some empathy. Hélene could be empathetic with her kid and with Villanelle. So, are they faking all the time? Is it impossible for them to feel things? We know that Villanelle said to Eve. Geraldine’s the opposite of that, right? Anyway.

In their next scene, we see Irina talking about performance, that’s the key word.

- You should read some Stanislavsky

- I’m not acting.

- Exactly. You’re over-acting.

I don’t know much about Stanislavsky but I do know he was really important with the psychological realism in the theater and later created a system that “mobilises the actor's conscious thought and will in order to activate other, less-controllable psychological processes—such as emotional experience and subconscious behaviour—sympathetically and indirectly.” Meaning that the performer should seem as real as possible, the role and the actor are connected and always showing their authentic emotions in scenes. For an actor to really display emotion, he needs to know how this emotion looks like, what it feels like. As it turns out, Irina was talking about control of emotions, she knows how to read people, she’s calculated.

Geraldine always seems to know what to say to get a type of reaction out of people, she burst and gets on her knees to talk about Kenny, and how Carolyn needs to let her in, she manipulates her mother into giving her something. At first she cries and sobs:

and Carolyn says “I’m doing more for your brother than you could imagine” , then Geraldine’s expression shifts almost into a grin

that was fast

And Carolyn, once again, shuts her down because obviously she doesn’t share information with someone she does’t trust. Remember that.

So many emotions, right? It almost seems like, i dont know, a performance.

Next.

4. Geraldine manipulating Konstantin

Back to the 3x07. She goes to Konstantin and aparently she wants to get away from her mother’s mood and make him a nice and thoughtful dinner because thats who she is. Thoughtful.

So, she gives Konstantin some clue for him to play with:

and then he goes with the bait, of course, because Geraldine shows how manipulative she can be and her expression shifts completely to this:

then she lies

Carolyn sharing that type of info with Geraldine? I don’t believe it. As I said before, she doesn’t share information with someone she does’t trust.

Then she says that Konstantin would “disappear into the ether” and how would she know?

Then she lose it and makes a scene, which is revitalizing, really. and then Konstantin gives up, so she says “seeking out someone whose brother’s just died, taking advantage of their grief when they’re at their most vulnerable. what kind of person does that?” “a shit”, Konstantin says. and then again, what was Geraldine trying to do this whole time with Carolyn? what did she say when Carolyn said “i’m doing more for your brother than you know”? she asked for more. she’s taking advantage of her mother’s grief.

Konstantin confesses he used Geraldine to spy on Carolyn and then nice and sweet and hyper-emphatic Geraldine says:

Ouch. Would a hyper-emphatic say that?

5. Carolyn arriving at home

ok, this scene is perfect. just look at it.

candles and incense AND

did the yoga mat ring a bell? anyone?

Carolyn says shes going to run a bath and

Geraldine’s always at home, seemingly a dull life (as carolyn said in the 3x4) but no,

yes, she’s drinking some wine, practicing yoga, relaxing...she’s just doing a painfully standard white people stuff. she’s just planning a lovely evening in, right?

Her yoga mat? Blue. Paul’s yoga mat? Blue. then again, she goes for more info

Carolyn works for the MI6 after all (even though she might as well be a double agent she isn’t stupid)

then Geraldine burst once again calling Carolyn an emotional iceberg and then goes on about finding ways to express her emotions and thats impossible to live life refusing to feel things. All that just to get Carolyn to react and, hopefully, to see Geraldine as trustworthy, maybe share one thing or another. Which doesn’t work because Carolyn says in the trailer for the sf “dear geraldine i think it’s time you left”

So, what I think is:

a. Geraldine might be a sociopath who works for the twelve. Sociopaths can be

- “Manipulative and Conning: They never recognize the rights of others and see their self-serving behaviors as permissible. They appear to be charming, yet are covertly hostile and domineering, seeing their victim as merely an instrument to be used.”

a class act

- “Pathological Lying: Has no problem lying coolly and easily and it is almost impossible for them to be truthful on a consistent basis. Can create, and get caught up in, a complex belief about their own powers and abilities. Extremely convincing and even able to pass lie detector tests.” i gave an example before but here’s another:

thats when she kissed Konstantin

- “Shallow Emotions: When they show what seems to be warmth, joy, love and compassion it is more feigned than experienced and serves an ulterior motive. Outraged by insignificant matters, yet remaining unmoved and cold by what would upset a normal person. Since they are not genuine, neither are their promises.” and again

Gemma Whelan is doing a fantastic job i just need to point that out

b. She might have something to do with her brother’s death. She either gave info for the twelve or actually got her hands dirty. We know that Kenny was getting somewhere with his investigation. Does she have motives? Could that have been Konstantin all along? I don’t know. But we do see Carolyn at better pills watching a footage that might show who killed Kenny.

c. Carolyn must know Geraldine is onto her or, at least knows she has been lying to her face (she lied about Konstantin’s visit and didn’t tell Carolyn he was spying on her)

d. I believe Geraldine could kill Carolyn in the sf and as Carolyn said:

Konstantin did say “everybody’s mother deserve it” so it wouldn’t shock me that much.

Anyway, that’s my theory. Geraldine works for the twelve and was trying to get info on her mother, either to investigate the MI6 or to see where Carolyn loyalties lies (that if Carolyn does in fact work for the twelve as a double agent). Or maybe Geraldine is just someone who wants to keep no secrets, just like hélene.

#killing eve #geraldine #geraldine stowton #kenny stowton #Gemma Whelan #carolyn martens #konstantin vasiliev #irina vasiliev #villanelle #theres a theory that jamie might work for the twelve and that hes keeping an eye on eve #and i think jamie paul and geraldine are all working together bc duh the twelve #look at the intros #killing eve analysis #k

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cutegirlmayra · 5 years

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Hey hey HEY! Mayra (can i call you like that?) have you imagine , how would Amy ask sonic for a date after sonic forces, i mean she would, rigth? And how about tails, would he have nightmares after it? I know the idws are coming, but can you just imagine it? Also i dont know if your promts are shunt down, but i think they are... Ideas? Well, ok, just imagine it.

I’m gonna imagine this… as a plot in a prompt, lol.

Booboo, you can callme whatever. Mayra, Mikaykay… (

PROMPTS ARE ON SHUT DOWN! Please, for the love of all that iswonderful and decent in this world, don’t send me anymore until I reopen them!

You can tell this one is old because IDW hadn’t come out yet, youcan SEE that I have a backload to deal with, but I love all of your amazingideas so much! Please keep them safely in a word doc or stored away until I canget all of these done and reopen the prompts again! :Db

(The preview image is from @lonelysadblob, please support her!)

Prompt———-

There was a murky haze of a deep, sun-soaked red that blew across like thick clouds with the howling wind. The desolate city, still ruined from Eggman’s rampage was now still and ghostly.

The restoration efforts were in full-swing now. It wasn’t a bad idea. Just pick up and repurpose some old stuff. No big deal.

However…

Sonic leaned over a steel railing that had been, at one point, painted white until the incident. Now the paint peeled just by his gloves skimming across it to hoist his chest’s weight as he leaned leisurely over the safety walk and peered out over the city that used to be bursting with busy life and vegetation.

The park was nearly a Serengeti at this point. Tall, dry grass had grown up from the cracks in the streets and spread out like someone’s bad hair day over the landscape. With the fires out, only soot remained, but it seemed to be helping the natural wildlife.

Even animals, as dismal as they appeared to be, were willingly working hard to restore what they could and salvage a new life together.

Sonic couldn’t frown now. He wouldn’t let himself.

It was kinda beautiful, in a weird sense of the word. Seeing the world push back against destruction and its people hold their heads high so soon after it’s destructor’s mess.

He shook his head and sighed, “Why are we always cleaning up this adult-child’s mess?” He mused, though he only spoke like this to himself.

It was hard not to take some things seriously, but Sonic tried not to let the mood affect him so much.

“Sadly, it seems to be the most anyone can do around here. Just cleaning up an old geezer’s trash bin and recycle it.”

Sonic was surprised to hear someone had heard his light ramblings, so he turned to the familiar voice with a look of curiosity.

“How long have you been there?”

She happily walked up to the railing, closing her eyes and leaning back on it, “Not long.” she seemed pretty chill, a lot had happened, and that usual cheeriness in her now seemed rather tame.

The bending of metal creaked at her pressure, just tugging on it lightly, but Sonic pushed back and made sure to equal out the payload. “It’s been a while.” he smiled a little brighter now, making up for her lack of usual spunk.

Then he smirked, “Missed me much?”

“We all did.” She gave him a sly look, “Especially Tails… he and I have been nightmares for a while now.”

Just behind a building in the back, Tails was asking some soldiers where Sonic could be.

After being told Amy asked too and they directed her to the railing just behind the collapsed skyscraper, they then asked him why.

“O-oh? Amy’s looking for him? Oh! No big reason! I just miss him is all.” Tails shook out his hands and then awkwardly scratched the back of his head. He had wanted some time with his best friend after little Sonic had left, he felt he needed some things cleared up…

Was Sonic mad at him? He didn’t look mad before. He looked happy, but Sonic usually looks happy. He worried Sonic may hold some feelings against him, considering he was powerless to stop Infinite and the other mock villains from pummeling him before.

He wearily approached the corner, his tails growing stiff and his arms shivering by his sides.

His eyes stung from last night’s tears. A cloud of regret and guilt had returned after he thought he had mourned for the last time when Sonic had come back, practically from everyone thinking he might have died until discovering he was trapped by Eggman… miles and miles away from the planet.

When he peeked around the corner, Sonic was chuckling.

“Nightmares? That sounds awful.”

“You’re laughing? That’s rude.” Amy puffed up her cheek, “We were all worried about you, ya know.” She turned her head a bit away but her eyes never left his.

He winked to her, “Haven’t ever had nightmares.”

Her face exploded with shock, “What?! Never? How is that even possible?”

He laughed again, shaking his head. “I just never have. Don’t give me wrong, I dream sometimes. But the worst thing I’ve ever dreamed was just something completely random and weird. Anyway, I’m sorry to have made you all worry, Amy. I tried to come back here as soon as I could.” he felt some of the contaminated wind flare-up in his nose and itched it. “The wind here sucks.” He huffed, feeling it dry up his throat as he breathed it in.

He rubbed just below his chin where his neck was, looking down. “I kinda owe you all one.”

“Your voice is a little raspy. Do you need some water?” Her face turned to concern again, bending a little to try and see his face better.

“Heh. I could really go for a chilidog right now!” He stood straighter and happier, which made Amy instantly comforted.

“Ohhh, you. I figured you might say something like that.” She removed her hands from the railing, dusting them off from the peeling paint left on them and placed them behind her back, rocking on her heels. “You know~ We could go for a walk out of this smoke’s path and find some grub down by the rest station. If you want too… we could talk a bit more there!” She leaped to securely wrap her arm around his own.

He was fumbling a moment, but not a lot. He looked at the warmth the gesture instantly gave him and found something in his heart trigger again.

“You know what?” He weakly gave her a cheesy, awkward smile with a typical bead of sweat trinkling down the side of his face. “I’ve almost forgotten how it felt like.”

“What felt like?” Amy blinked, tilting her head, still trying to be a bit flirty.

“You, the outside world… I still can’t fully remember, but I haven’t completely forgotten how it felt.” He crooked his arm into a true gentlemen’s hold for her to walk beside, and began making his way towards the corner Tails was peeking out from. “It’s almost like one of those weird dreams… But I’m glad I’m awake.”

His words stung Tails. ‘If it weren’t for me, Sonic wouldn’t be saying such sad things…’ he looked down at the dirt before quickly fleeing, spinning his tails as fast as he could before they leisurely made their way around the corner.

He could still hear them though… and that pained him.

“You mentioned Tails wasn’t feeling well either?”

“Oh, yeah. Well… He and I really took it pretty hard. Knuckles did too, but you know him, he was trying his best to get what needed to be done… done.” Her ears bent slightly.

Tails narrowed his eyes, ‘You don’t know how I’m feeling. It’s completely different. You’re not one to blame!’ his fists tightened, trying to fly faster so he could round the next corner before they reached it too. Street after street, just trying to remain at a constant, undetected distance.

Sonic would grow tried of walking soon, he’d offer to scoop Amy up, Tails couldn’t beat his speed but he could try and out-think it.

“Poor little buddy…” Sonic looked up at the sky, just lost in a moment of thought and empathy.

“H-hey…” Amy blushed a little, looking down and tugging on the end of her dress a little bit. “I wasn’t all rainbows and sunshine either, you know…” she felt his gaze shift back to her and continued, “I… Well, I couldn’t deny what I feeling. I just hoped that with enough faith, you were still with us. That you had somehow managed to escape and were secretly helping us from the shadows… somewhere… completely safe and unharmed. Well-fed. Happy…” she stopped walking a moment, her eyes glittering with a newfound wetness in the dry atmosphere.

He stopped too, smiling to her. “You okay?” He asked, tilting his head as she had done for him when she couldn’t see his expression.

“…Em.” she nodded, turning cheerily back to him. “Let’s go on a date!”

His eyes opened wide. “A date? Here?”

“Sure! I’m happy wherever you are, Sonic~” she cooed, scooting closer to him as he scratched his cheek with his finger, not sure how to respond to that.

“Aww… Gee, Amy, I-”

“No buts!” she pulled him towards her and took her arm around his and placed it up along his shoulders, pointing to their destination. “I think there may be ice cream this time!” the hub looked pretty far away… “Let’s ditch the refreshments! Those are for the civilians anyway. We should head home and take a breather.”

Her eyes beamed up at him, as Tails, unable to fully pull himself away, stood on top of a half-caved in building’s still-standing top structure and gripped the edges of the stone against his twitching fingers.

“That lousy… She should know better than to hog him to herself!” he slightly steamed out, “But… what if Sonic really doesn’t want to see me? She told him I had nightmares already… may I should just wait my turn.” He felt his confidence and self-worth slipping, failing himself as he slowly let his hands relax and slide off the edge of the already half-tumbled-over wall.

He slipped away as Sonic shrugged and scooped Amy up, just as he had predicted moments ago…

“Then let’s eat! I’m starved!”

“Hurray! Hehe!”

The two took off, leaving more dust in their wake as it trailed up to Tails, folded in a corner with his arms wrapped around his legs and his tails over his head…

Later that day, it was reported that Tails had been zipping around, keeping himself super busy with the restoration project and carrying supplies left and right, to and fro.

He didn’t dare go back to the hub but saw that Sonic and Amy’s mixed blur were flying down the streets as they returned to work, laughing together… so happy together…

He paused as he held the rope tied to a box with stones in it.

He watched them… Amy nailing some wood in as Sonic stumbled over some split nails and almost fell, but jumped up to Amy’s level and posed as though it was all just a break-dancing impov spoof. They continued to laugh as Tails’s energy slipped.

‘What if… she becomes his new best friend?’

The thought plagued him, as the rope began to slip through his fingers.

He shook his head, fighting back the depressive feelings and tightening his hold on his rope. “I won’t give up hope on Sonic again.” He assured himself. “I’ll talk to him later.” he took off, continuing the work.

In the night hours, he sneaked out of his room, walking down the hall towards Sonic’s door. His footsteps creaked, but he tried to be discreet, he gently twirled his tails so they didn’t make much sound but kept his footsteps lighter.

He couldn’t sleep anyway, not until he at least made peace and found some closure with Sonic.

But then…

“Hahaha…!” Sonic’s whispering laughter froze Tails’s entire being. It was coming from one of the hub’s main rest areas…

“Shh..! Sonic, someone will wake up and hear us!” Amy’s whispered voice… sent Tails slumping back to the ground, his tails falling with the action.

“I just think you calling me out to the ‘couch’ is hilarious, Amy.”

“I wanted more time with you…”

“We spent practically the whole day together!”

‘You did spend the whole day together…’ Tails grumbled in his mind, rolling his eyes, growing annoyed.

His lack of sleep wasn’t helping to keep his emotions in check either…

“I just~” she leaned against Sonic’s chest, spooking him out a bit. She closed her eyes, her hand grazing against the thin fur upon it, “…Wanted a few more words with you… would you stay until I fell asleep? For one night, at least, I want to sleep easy.” She breathed in his familiar scent, snuggled up a little next to him, and began to take long, calming breaths.

Sonic fidgetted, looking around as though not able to really relax himself.

He lifted a foot up to his knee and tapped it repeatedly, moving his hands to the rim of the couch’s back and looking away from her, just seeming uneasy.

She didn’t bother to say anything but just looked up annoyed at him.

He got the message and apologetically smiled down to her, “I’m… not really sure I can ease you into sleep like this, Amy.”

“Oh, no?” She teased, being sarcastic before smiling. “What’s on your mind then?”

Tails creeped back to his door, about to take the knob and deal with his second-best feelings when…

“I’m actually pretty worried about Tails, to be honest.”

His heart peaked a moment as his breath jumped.

“Tails?” Amy tilted her head off his chest, and Sonic took the motion as an opportunity, moving her away.

“No offense, Amy. But I haven’t really seen him all day. I heard from the guys he was working hard too. You said he was having nightmares? I’m used to that. Tails has always had weirder dreams than me. But, the thing is, he always tells me about them. No matter how whacked out they are, he’s never failed to tell me what’s on his mind.”

Tails’s whole face began to break, slowly tightening as his vision on the door knob blurred with tears, his mouth spreading to make way for his silent wailing.

“Tails is my best friend, Amy. I want to make sure he’s alright too.”

There was a loud thump as Tails’s knees hit the ground hard.

“WHAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAHHAHAAAA!” gross, ugly sobbing came from the hallway as people’s lights flickered on and the whole of that sector was alive with fright.

That night, in Tails’s room, Sonic rubbed Tails’s head as he clung to Sonic, crying a little less dramatically from before, but still tearfully sobbing as Sonic spent the entire night hearing his fears and comforting him with his laughter… perfectly directed to him and him alone.

Amy understood, heading off to bed, but Tails still felt the need to tell Sonic that it’s bros before smoes. (your dudes before excuses)

The next day, Amy asked if both Sonic and Tails wanted some ice cream, Tails left the two to have another walk and gladly proclaimed, “But he’s my best friend!”

Amy giggled, looking up to Sonic, “I’m sorry. I didn’t realize how selfish I was being...”

Sonic gave her a playful wink, “Yeah, you’re kinda terrible at that.”

She smacked his arm and that was that.

(Kinda a friendship Sonic and Tails but also Sonamy? Hope you enjoyed it! :Db)

#sonic #sonic and tails #sonamy #sonic the hedgehog #sonic prompt #sonic forces prompt #tails the fox #amy rose #cutegirlmayra

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plethoraofocs · 4 years

Text

so the origins of my first star trek ocs

so, i watched aos first. and i loved it because it was my introduction to star trek and the characters and i recently realised it’s v problematic and stuff so i watched tos. and this is a super long and needlessly complex explanation of how my first three star trek ocs (dottie, clarke, and taylor) came to be! more on them as individuals to come :) (i did give the broad strokes of their backstories in here so it’s a long post. i’ll put the basic parts in bold so you can skip the boring bits that i just rambled in

my first character, i made for the aos timeline, but shifted her over to the tos timeline without much hassle.

her name is dorothy (dottie) jane negga, and she was born on the lunar colony to her human parents, as their third child born on the moon (one brother, one sister). they moved back to earth (specifically the greek countryside, which i need to do more research on, sorry) where they started an olive farm (neither of her parents come from greece nor do they have a background in farming, but her oldest brother took a horticultural course on the colony so he gets it up off the ground). she has a supportive and wholesome background (which was difficult for me to write because there was so much opportunity to give her a Tragic Backstory but i need to stop doing that so much lmao), two younger siblings (another sister, and a non-binary sibling). of the five siblings, she is the only child who didn’t want to work full-time on the farm, and the family helped put her through starfleet academy, where she took the command route with various piloting qualifications before being assigned to the enterprise as ‘ensign dorothy negga’ due to her exceptional academic success as well as her fantastic interpersonal skills.

next up was my second star trek oc, someone i had a vague impression of while watching aos but fleshed out and named while watching tos. her name is s’on ahkhu clarke (i don’t know how vulcan names work i’m so sorry), and she is half-vulcan, half-romulan. in my tos timeline, her father (a weaver of cloth on vulcan) was tricked into thinking her mother (a notorious romulan captain attempting to infiltrate the vulcan high council) was an ambitious young vulcan with no social standing trying to work her way up. he fell in love, she went with it. they had a child together, her mother using it to further secure herself in vulcan society, but she was found out shortly afterwards and escaped back to romulus. clarke’s father raised her alone until she was eight years old, when her mother began correspondence with the vulcan high council over custody of the child. eventually, her father was forced to let her travel to romulan space every other year for a year to stay with her mother. her mother was, by then, captain of a mixed-species, all female, space equivalent of a pirate ship. while she found the practices of stealing, torturing, and murdering not only illogical, but deplorable, her mother told her that if she did not assist in running the ship, she would not permit her to return to vulcan. eventually, she joined starfleet academy during one of her years where she was supposedly ‘on vulcan’, and she managed to partially cut ties with her parents. she was just shy of being legally an adult on vulcan when she arrived at the academy, and was put in accommodation with the equally young cadet dorothy negga. the two became oddly co-dependant despite their wildly different personalities, and their symbiotic study relationship assisted them both in getting grades good enough to be assigned to the enterprise upon their graduation. clarke is a redshirt, but is exceptionally skilled with various types of defensive and offensive attacks from her time spent with her mother, so don’t worry, she’s safe. also : no-one is sure whether or not they were doing the do on the regular in the academy or not, and they won’t comment on the discourse.

last, and definitely not least (lowkey my favourite of the og 3) we have taylor jones. taylor is... pretty weird, im not gonna lie. so i came up with her in pretty much the same way as i did clarke, a vague idea during aos that solidified during tos, she just took longer to nail down. the enterprise is in full swing by the time she gets introduced during a typical ‘away mission gone wrong’ type situation. she’s quite animal-like, she can’t speak, she’s afraid of everyone (except clarke and spock because telepathy and shit), she is telepathic and empathetic, but doesn’t seem to understand language. she’s in bad nick, and she’s the only survivor of a life-support systems failure of a starfleet-scientist-gone-off-the-rails’s illegal experimentation subterranean lab on a class-m planet. turns out he’d been deliberately inter-breeding species (humans, vulcans, orions, romulans, betazoids, ect) in order to create species perfectly designed to suit various jobs he needed doing to sustain himself on the planet. taylor was designed as basically a poorly treated PA, engineered for and trained to anticipate and fulfil his needs through a combination of telepathy, empathy, and a scarily fast learning and adaptation ability. with the help of clarke, they manage to get her aboard the ship and into medbay, where she (for some reason) practically imprints on dr.mccoy. dr.mccoy nurses her back to health (she won’t let any of the other medical staff near her) and begins to teach her how to communicate verbally, while clarke refuses to leave her side as she takes her time to teach taylor how to control her telepathy and how to refine telepathic communications. when they found her, she didn’t have a name, so they assigned her the name ‘taylor jones’. as well as this, leonard and clarke have to try and untrain her from her need to assist everyone on every little thing. she went missing for the first week she wasn’t locked in medbay as she raced around the ship frantically trying to meet everyone’s smallest whims, only being recovered when kirk was feeling mildly thirsty and she showed up on the bridge with a glass and a pitcher full of water (she got the hang of replicators and other technologies pretty fast, it was what she was genetically predisposed to do, after all). she proves to be quite useful on away missions, as she develops an interest in science (much to mccoy’s disgust, he’d enjoyed teaching her about anatomy and first aid, and is loathe to share her with spock), and kirk appoints her to the role of ‘acting ensign’.

now this is where my inexcusable surplus of star trek ocs kicks in.

i realised that it’d be pretty dope to make my own starship crew, like, a whole ass crew. but i dont know enough about star trek too avoid continuity errors and shit. so i decided to start my own star trek “series” set approximately fifty years after whatever star trek series is the furthest in the future (so, like, picard, right? idk the timelines im a Bad Fan). the basics for these three are the same, except they start out on another enterprise namesake (enterprise-j) as the flagship of starfleet, where the senior officers (i’ve yet to flesh them out fully) are NOT (obviously) the og bridge crew. eventually, taylor decides to travel to earth to get her qualifications from the academy while the other two girls finish out their ‘explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilisations’ mission. taylor graduates the academy just as that mission ends, and is assigned to a research vessel that will be doing more in-depth research on planets/phenomena encountered by the enterprise-j as ensign jones, under captain dorothy (she insists on being called dottie) negga. clarke gets the position of cheif of security. there are many more charcters on board this ship. i still have more i need to make because i want to make an oc for as many of the people needed onboard as possible.

#long post #taylor jones #s’on ahkhu clarke #star trek #backstories #star trek : my own timeline #dottie negga

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the-angry-pixie · 6 years

Note

So have you come up with any risque Byeler hcs lately?

Kind of.

The other day I was thinking about how Mike would totally be the sort of dork to call or go talk to Will right after he loses his virginity.

Like its senior year, him and his girlfriend have been going steady for awhile and they’ve just had sex in his car down at Lovers Lake.

But as soon as he drops the girl back off at her house, he suddenly feels this overwhelming urge to talk to someone about what just happened. This is HUGE. He’s so hyped. He just HAS TO share! Now he could go to Dustin or Lucas, both of whom have already lost their V-card. They would highfive and congratulate him and it would all be swell. But he doesn’t do that. For some reason the only person he wants to tell about this is Will.

And so he drives right over there and knocks on his window. Will is surprised to see him, but he’s never denied his friend entry to his house before and he’s not about to start now.

[below is what was meant to be a HC post, but somehow ended up as a story. and yes, there is some risque stuff throughout so don’t read if thats not your thing]

“So, I got to fourth base with Angie.”

“Mike, I really don’t know much about baseball but I’m pretty sure there isn’t a fourth base.”

“Oh yes there is.”

“No there isn’t. There’s third base and then there is home.”

“Exactly.”

And for some reason Mike really enjoys seeing the penny drop and watching as it translates onto Will’s face.

“Wait… wait home. You got to home base with Angie?! Like… you went all the way?!”

“Yup!” Mike is practically beaming. He hasn’t even sat down. He’s still too jittery. Watching Will as he stares down at his desk, kinda looking stunned. But then he looks up and his face is completely different and Mike doesn’t quite know how to interpret it.

“Wow uh… well congrats man! That’s great!”

“Thanks.” Mike can’t help kind of feeling bashful. He knows Will is still a virgin, so he doesn’t know why he’s suddenly got all these nerves tingling through his body.

“How um… how was it?”

“Warm and… wet and… tight…”

Mike can’t help laughing as he watches Will scrunch his face up in disgust.

“Wish I hadn’t asked…” Will does a full body shudder, as though trying to rid himself of Mike’s words. Which only makes Mike laugh harder though he tries to muffle it with his hands.

“Sorry. I meant nice. It was nice.”

Will seems to level out after that. He fixes Mike with a look, and then eventually rises from his desk chair to walk over to where Mike is standing there fiddling with the zipper on his jacket.

“I’m happy for you man. Well… well done?” it comes out as sort of a question as he reaches out and awkwardly claps his hand against the back of Mike’s neck a few times. Like the football coach does to the players he’s pleased with. Its such an odd gesture coming from Will that they can only hold it together for so long before they both break down into sniggers.

That cracks apart the tension and Mike mumbles ‘thanks’ as they share a brief hug.

“Oh ew. I can smell it on you! You smell like sex! Didn’t you shower before coming to see me?”

Mike is coming to love this hilarious disgusted face that keeps popping up on Will’s face.

“Nope” he grins. “I just had to come tell my best-friend-forever straight away!”

“You’re weird Wheeler. Does Angie know how weird you are?”

“Nope. And you better not tell her. Otherwise she’ll never have sex with me again!” Mike says jokingly poking at Will’s sides.

“You would deserve it for making me smell your damn sex musk. Get away from me you filthy heterosexual!”

This of course quickly dissolves into a game of Mike chasing Will around his room. Just for the fun of it. Just to razz him. He’s glad he came to Will. He made the right choice.

Finally they both collapse onto Will’s bed. Mike being banished to the foot of it where he sits cross-legged next to Will’s feet.

“So do you feel different now? Do you feel like a maaan?” Will teases with a derivative snort.

Mike chuckles too.

“I know its stupid but yeah I do. Feel different that is. It just feels good to have it done now. No more waiting, no more worrying about how it will be. I managed to not fuck it up I think. Angie was smiling when I dropped her off. Sooo yeah. I feel different.”

“Oh. Right. Huh…”

Mike looks over at Will, trying to decipher his expression. He’s currently looking down at the hands in his lap. A charming pink peaking through on the apples of his cheeks. He would probably kill Mike for suggesting it, but he almost looks wistful.

And suddenly Mike feels a queer pang in his chest. A desperate longing that was somehow not fully his own. It was weird - like an empathy thing.

Suddenly Mike found himself sympathising with how hard it must be, being the only gay kid living in such a small town. With people and society being the way they currently are.

Unless something outrageous happened, Mike figured Will probably wouldn’t be experiencing anything like what he’d done tonight for a long, long time.

And that thought made him kind of sad.

Life goes on and Mike forgets all about that night. He remembers the sex of course. Not the conversation that followed.

Never in a million years would Mike have imagined that the favour would be returned though. That he would find himself on the receiving end of a conversation like that.

Which is why Mike is wholly unprepared for the phonecall he receives almost 2 years later from Will.

Will, whose voice is practically vibrating with so much excitement that Mike almost doesn’t catch the part where his best friend tells him he’s just lost his virginity.

He just… doesn’t know how to react.

It’s Friday night. He had no plans and so was catching up on his assignments. He had just been considering going to bed when Will (one state over at his own college mind you) had apparently popped his cherry and…

… decided he needed to tell Mike all about it??

“Mike? You’ve gone all quiet.”

“Yeah! Yeah I’m fine I’m just uhh… processing… why are you telling me this?”

There’s silence on the other end for awhile.

“Oh I… well its just… you told me when it happened for you… I know that was years ago and I know I’m a bit of a late bloomer but… well you told me so I thought I would… never mind it was stupid I should go.”

The aching awkwardness of his tone lanced through Mike.

“No don’t go! Shit I’d forgotten I’d done that! Man what a dork move. Not that you’re a dork! That came out wrong. I’m glad you told me! I’m happy for you! Yeah its uhh… well, how was it?”

Mike waited anxiously, hoping Will hadn’t been spooked away. Geez for someone majoring in English Lit he sure wasn’t good at picking his words sometimes.

“It was– it was good.” Will’s voice had lost a lot of its previous exuberance and Mike wished he could personally kick himself in the mouth.

“C’mon Cleric you can do better than that! Details man, give me details!” he encouraged.

“What sort of details?” Will’s voice sounded wary but at least his tone seemed less halfhearted now.

Mike scrubbed a hand over his face, racking his brain for something to say. “Well heck I dunno. How about you tell me what its like on the other end of things? What’s it like being the girl?”

As soon as the words left his mouth Mike knew he had made a fatal mistake.

“What?!” Will’s voice was completely flat and deeply unamused.

“Fuck. I shouldn’t have said tha–”

“I am not a fucking girl!”

“I know tha–”

“Fuck you Mike!” The yelling stung at Mike’s sensitive ears and he wished a hole would just open up in his dorm room floor and swallow him up.

“I deserve that I’m sorry. Fuck I’m bad at this!”

“No fucking shit! What the fuck am I doing even talking to you about this?! I’m fucking hanging up right now!”

And Will did just that.

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!

Mike was wide awake now as he jumped out of his bed to pace the room. His hands scraping tensely through his hair.

Well he’d royally screwed the pooch on that one.

Will sounded furious and Mike didn’t blame him. Why had he said that?!

He knew he needed to talk to Will as soon as possible. But he also knew Will. He knew if he called back straight away Will would either ignore his calls, or worse, take his phone off the hook.

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

He had to wait. He had to be patient.

But really, can he be blamed if maybe he was a little shocked and overwhelmed at this whole damn situation?! If maybe he doesn’t automatically know how to deal with the idea that some anonymous stranger has apparently just fucked his best friend??

Or maybe his best friend had fucked him?

It didn’t matter. It was that sort of bullshit thinking that had gotten him in trouble in the first place!

But fuck! He hadnt even known Will had been dating anyone!!

That was the trouble with going to college in different states though. Mike knew he should have insisted on keeping Will close. He knew it was a ridiculous demand but he couldn’t help thinking it.

Mike looked to the clock. 15 minutes had passed. Enough time for Will to have come down from his initial anger.

He quickly dialled the number, neurotically twisting the cord as he sat anxiously down on his bed.

“Will speaking.”

“Don’t hang up! I’m sorry! I know what I said was stupid!”

“Its okay Mike” Will’s voice sounded strangely small. Devastatingly quiet. “I dont know why I expected you to understand. I shouldnt have called you in the first place.”

“No!” Mike practically shouted. “No don’t make excuses for me being a complete ass! I’m so happy for you! I know I’ve kind of shown it in a shitty way but… I’m just glad you told me that’s all…”

“Ok…”

“And I’m sorry for being–”

“–weird and kind of offensive?”

“Yeah that. I’m sorry. Please forgive me?”

Silence. Enough to make Mike want to bite his fingernails off.

“Please Will! Pleeeease??”

“Weeeelllll….” Will’s tone was soft, but playfully considering. Mike knew his friend was coming around.

“Pwetty pweeease? With rainbows and sprinkles on top??” Mike cooed in a sickening baby-voice.

“Rainbows? Sprinkles? Is that meant to be a gay thing?”

“No, thats a Mike thing.”

“Ok then. You’re forgiven.”

“YES!” Mike pumped his fist in the air to the sound of Will’s chuckles on the other end.

“But don’t be weird. I can’t deal with you being weird about this” Will’s voice scolded as his giggles subsided and his voice returned to normal.

“I’ll try. I promise.”

“Ok then.”

There was companionable silence for a beat or two.

“So… who was the guy? Was he like… your boyfriend or something?”

“Boyfriend? Ha! Nah I’m way too shy to be able to get a boyfriend.”

“So you slept with a stranger?” Mike couldn’t help the worry seeping into his tone.

“No no. He wasn’t a stranger. We’ve hung out a couple of times before. And like, we’ve done some “stuff” together before. But he’s not like my boyfriend or anything.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah…”

“Did you use protection?”

“Of course! What do you think I’m an idiot!”

“I’m just checking since apparently you’re hooking up with people you hardly know like thats completely normal.”

Mike heard Will scoff. “Like you’ve never done that before Mike!”

“Yeah but like… first times are special! They’re meant to be with someone you care about!”

“Says who?”

“Says… I dunno says everybody!”

“It doesn’t really work that way with gay people Mike.”

“Well it should! Was he at least like… nice to you. I mean did you like, enjoy it?!”

At this Will paused as though he were thinking and Mike found himself leaning forward, as though anticipating the answer.

Luckily he wasn’t kept in suspense for long.

“Yeah I did. It was like, real intense and it hurt at first but I don’t know, I kind of liked that. He was kind of rough. I liked that too. He didn’t treat me like I was some fragile, delicate thing. It was kind of hot.”

“Oh… ok…” Mike didn’t really know what to say to that. It hadn’t been what he’d been expecting. Will kept speaking regardless.

“Yeah. It was good. I guess I’m a man now huh?” Will finished jokingly. Mike remembered how he’d teased him about it all those years ago.

“You were already a man Will” he murmured snappily and heard Will sigh on the other end. He knew Will thought Mike was being too precious with him. And he also knew how much his friend hated when he did that. But he couldn’t help it. This was Will. His Will.

“Anyway now thats done. I’m gonna go shower and go to bed. Sweet dreams Mike! Thanks for listening.”

“Uh, sure. Anytime.”

And they both hung up.

It becomes a thing.

Mike isn’t quite sure how it starts but somehow it totally becomes a thing.

Like it becomes completely normal for Mike and Will to talk to each other about their sexual encounters.

The good, the bad, the very-very good and the ugly.

They even go out of their way to do it. Like a gossip session. Or a debrief. Or something.

Mike doesn’t even really know. But he learns things about his friend in that year that he’d never thought he would. Intimate things.

Gay sex sounds weird and interesting. At least the way Will flippantly describes it. Mike doesn’t know why he always expected Will to be the sort to settle down quickly with the one person but that is certainly not the case here. Hell Will seems to pull way more often than Mike does from the sound of it. Though Mike never really takes notice of the guys names, maybe there were double-ups in there.

THE POINT IS, Will is kind of insouciant when it comes to sex.

Not the sex itself. It seems he’s wildly enthusiastic when it comes to the actual act. Dare Mike say it, almost rowdy.

But the partners… Will doesn’t seem to be bothered about his lack of boyfriend. Even though his shyness seems to have melted into a thing of the past. Whenever Mike questions him about it he always jokes that he’s waiting for Mike to propose to him and then maybe he’ll settle down.

And that usually shuts the conversation down because Mike gets all bashful. Its probably why Will does it, the sly devil.

Mike supposes its a two-way street. Will learns a few things about him too in return. They’ve moved past calling each other as soon as “the act” is done now. They’re way too cool for that. Usually it comes up in the weekly phonecall they share. Mike has to admit it’s kind of fun to giggle away to each other like a couple of school girls.

But on the whole Mike feels like his sex life… his heterosexual sex life at least… is kind of boring.

Cause well… theres something he hasn’t told Will yet.

There’s a small matter of Mike becoming a bit… curious within the last few months.

How sometimes when Will casually describes fingering a guy…

… or pushing their head down towards his asshole so they’ll eat him out…

… or sliding balls deep inside such a tight channel…

… or all manner of other acts you can only achieve with another guy…

Somewhere along the line Mike had started to wonder what it would feel like.

Its not really something to freak out over right? So he’s tried fingering himself a few times in the shower and found that he likes it. That’s no big deal right?

So what if he’s maybe asked for a few more details than strictly necessary when Will is talking about fucking a guy so that its easier for him to picture later on when he’s jacking off. Its whatever man.

Buying a dildo is no big thing right? Going to a gay bar and making out with a few dudes isn’t worth telling Will about right?

Sometimes… sometimes imagining Will when he’s jacking off is to be expected right? Its only natural that Will would be his point of reference for imagining gay sex. He’s the one telling him all these salacious details. Giving him all these ideas.

So Mike can’t really be blamed for imagining Will can he? Its nothing.

Wrong.

Its certainly something.

Mike is a logical person. Someone who likes to plan ahead. To be in control. To understand everything around him.

But right now… he kind of feels like he’s on a train. He doesn’t know where the train is going but somehow he just knows that the tracks are eventually going to run out. Just how much tracks there are left before he goes careening towards a bloody and spectacular finish, he does not know.

It’s not the most comforting thought.

The answer comes in 1991.

Their second year of college. Spring break. Mike is finally going to visit Will at his college. Its all set. Will is staying in the dorm for the holidays while his roommate is headed home. There’s a spare bed in his room just going begging and Will believes its about damn time they spent some quality time together!

He’d actually said “quality FUCKING time together” but Mike is trying these days to not think too much about “Will” and “fucking” in the same sentence.

Doing so makes his stomach churn and his head hot and his jeans tight. Its an affliction he really could do without.

And so… they spend quality time together.

They eat shitty microwave food. They run riot in the practically empty dorm building. They go for walks and throw a frisbee back and forth. They watch movies. They turn their music up way too loud. They talk into the night, passing a bottle of rum back and forth.

They ignore the tension that seems to be both there and not there at the same time. Mike tries not to think about how he sometimes catches Will just looking at him. An inscrutable look of consideration adorning his features. Like Mike is an abstract painting.

They go out clubbing one night to one of Will’s locals. Mike tries not to seethe with jealousy into his cocktail when it looks like Will might go home with some guy that he seems to know suspiciously well.

It doesn’t happen though. Will returns to him at the bar. Mike still feels queerly deflated though. They have a few more drinks and then they head home.

“I wouldn’t have gone with him you know…”

Will slurs only slightly. It’s later that night and Mike is sitting on his assigned bed applying moisturiser to his feet. His heels have a tendency to get really, really dry overnight.

Mike looks up and gives him a questioning glance.

“Benji” Will clarifies, “I wouldn’t have gone home with him. Not while you’re here. I just want to be with you when you’re here.”

“Oh. Right. That’s good.” Mike smiles up at where his friend appears to be swaying to imaginary music, his fingers clutched around a glass of water.

Suddenly Will is bouncing down on the bed next to him.

“Ya know. You’re cute when you’re jealous.”

“I wasn’t jealous” Mike replies immediately.

Water slops over the edge of the glass as Will holds both his hands up in surrender.

“Ok I retract. Sulky then. You’re cute when you’re sulky.”

Mike is blushing. He can’t help it. He should really be drinking water too. Blood and alcohol are pulsing through his veins, rendering his brain-to-mouth function slightly useless. Before he can think better of it he’s responding “You think I’m cute?”

Will seems to pause and look at him then. His lips curling into a impish smile as his head bobs up and down slowly in a nod.

Was it hot in here? It was as if Mike could feel the sweat pooling into the collar of his nightshirt as he plucks at it nervously.

“Truth be told…” Mike’s head whips back up as Will continues to muse. Irritatingly casual. He is looking at his glass of water as though its a snow globe. As though the precipitation beading on the outside of it is a thing of beauty. “… I think you’re fucking sexy.”

His eyes slowly slide from the small droplets of water back to Mike’s shocked face. And there must have been something that he is seeking. Something he finds in Mike’s eyes - because he smiles. And Mike can’t help but groan.

“Don’t say things like that…” Mike croaks, his throat dry and his blood buzzing.

The smile grows into a chesire grin. “Why not?”

“Because” Mike only takes an eighth of a moment to bother with hesitation, “because then I have to do this.”

And they are kissing. The water glass drops to the floor with a thud as hot lips crash against hot lips. As gasps are sucked from one mouth into another. Hands gripping hair. More hands bunching up sleepshirts.

Mike pushes Will down against the bed and feels a little put out when Will giggles with the action. Like he knew this was going to happen. He kisses him fiercely in retaliation, his body climbing over Will’s slighter form. All the better to feel everything as he lowers his body down to lie deliciously against every inch of his friend’s.

This pulls a moan from Will who interrupts the kiss to throw his head to the side and pant, his hands rubbing over Mike’s lower back. He looks up at Mike angelically as he proceeds to grab two handfuls of Mike’s ass and grind his hips up into Mike’s undeniable erection.

Mike’s breath hitches and his arms tremble where they are standing as unsteady columns either side of Will’s head.

“You fuck” he pants. “How did you know?”

This gives Will pause. He lets go of Mike’s ass and smoothes his hands back up to the middle of his back.

“I, I didn’t know” his eyes blink widely, and he sounds almost completely sober. “I– well… I hoped. I’ve kind of hoped for years… but I didn’t, well– I didn’t know for sure. I guessed. An educated guess. But a guess all the same.”

“Hmmm” Mike’s head lowers to tuck under the curve of Will’s chin. Just taking a moment to breathe in those words like he is breathing in the scent of Will’s sweat.

“Was I…” Will’s voice almost seems to be trembling. “Was I right? Is this… okay?”

Mike smiles privately as he noses down the side of Will’s neck. He kisses lightly at the mole tucked away there before returning to look into his best friends beautiful sea green eyes.

“It’s more than ok” he murmurs, his smile growing as he witnesses the almost boyish excitement bloom in his friend’s expression.

Will pulls him down into a much more intense kiss. His hand eventually pushing at Mike’s shoulder until he gets the idea and turns over, pulling Will on top of him.

Now Will was the one holding himself up above him. Their only point of contact where Will’s hips are weighted down against his own. The exquisite feel of Will’s cock laying against his upper thigh.

Will dips his groin in an experimental thrust and grins as Mike stutters in a breath.

“As much as I would like to be all lovey-dovey right now” Will murmurs as his hips sway into an unrelenting grind. “Would it be okay if we just skipped all that and go right to part where you fuck me senseless first?”

Mike couldn’t help barking out a laugh. “Mister, you got a deal.”

Will licks his lips in such a ridiculously unaware way it should really be a sin.

“Deal” he nods agreeably.

And well, they do.

Fuck each other senseless.

Turns out all of their knowledge swapping over the years majorly comes in handy. They both seem to already know what the other wants. What the other needs.

It isn’t… its weird how not weird it is.

Mike knows to not treat Will like a delicate flower. Knows he likes to be in control of things.

Will knows the spots that will make Mike weak. Which touches will have him keening with surprised delight.

There is only one time when Mike seems to surprise Will.

The moment he pushes the lube Will had handed him back into his friend’s hand with a slightly pleading look.

For the first time all night Will looks genuinely unbalanced. Mike just chuckles.

“It’s my first time. I want it to be all special and shit. Don’t worry–” he states quickly when it looks like Will is going to argue. “You’re not the first thing that has been up there. Heck you won’t even be the tenth. I’ve been… practising.”

It’s kind of silly how Mike takes some weird sort of pleasure in how wide Will’s eyes go. How his mouth momentarily hangs open in an astonished ‘O’.

It melts away quickly though. And Mike receives his wish.

Thoroughly.

It’s lucky that the dorm is practically deserted.

The next morning finds Mike waking up hot and content and sore in places he’d never known were a thing.

He looks down to where Will is cuddled under his arm. Drooling onto his chest and still gloriously naked. How often had he imagined this over the last few months? Waking up like this.

Sated and dehydrated and so very, very happy.

He just HAS TO share this moment. The urge is overwhelming.

He shifts underneath Will until his mouth can slot against the other’s. He kisses and kisses and kisses at his face until Will lets out a sleepy chortle and pushes him away.

Mike watches contentedly as Will stretches and groans and blinks against the sunlight coming in through the dorm window.

“Mike” he murmurs groggily. “I’m going to need you to do something for me.”

Mike is quick to jump in with a giddily enthusiastic “Anything.”

“Ok. Ok. I need you to go home–”

Mike’s jaw drops and his foggy brain is suddenly dowsed in a wave of shock and self-doubt and all sorts of horrible things that he had not prepared himself to be feeling.

Will reads his face like a book but gives nothing away as he leans forward and lays a sweet kiss against Mike’s nose. Sending him cross-eyed.

“I need you to go home right now. You see, I need to call and tell you all about this really amazing guy I slept with last night…”

His teeth show through in a grin and a sly little wink makes an appearance and Mike…

… Mike is in love.

A.N. So yeah. That’s that. Quick and dirty and unpolished. And probably not as N*SFW as you were hoping for (sorry I suck at writing smut). Hope you enjoyed it anyway and sorry for all the mistakes and tense changes.

#the-winged-wolf-bran-stark #it's been so long since I've written byeler - felt goooood #even though the writing in this kind of sucks #ANYWAY #byeler #byler #mike wheeler #will byers #byeler fic #pixie writes

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fairycosmos · 6 years

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+ i have a job interview tomorrow and i just cant go. its a rlly good job but i just cant. idk why. maybe its my anxiety or me sabotaging myself again. i know my mom will think im a failure. but i just want to keep studying. i want to keep trying. it just feels more important. i want to want be alive before anything else. do you think im lazy?? iknow you'll never anwser this but should i go anway? is it awful that i never had a job? i just feel like a bum. idk sorry for putting this on u.

hey. no, i dont think you’re lazy at all. quite the opposite. i admire you a lot for caring so much about your studies, for wanting to make something of yourself and for continuing to try your best even though you’re going through such a difficult time at the moment. that’s a lot easier said than done, and yet you’re still managing it, which is really fucking cool. you should be proud. and listen, i’m 18 as well, and i’ve never had a job either. it’s super, super common. it’s not like it’s easy to get a job these days, especially while you’re still studying. and just cause you’re older now doesn’t mean you’re singularly responsible for the financial situation of your family. it’s not just down to you to make money, and that’s not your sole purpose in life. also, you’re definitely accomplishing more than i am, seriously. i know the world kind of pushes the idea that you’re only worth something if you’re constantly being used, if you’re constantly providing money or results or good grades. but that’s genuinely not true. it takes years and years to come to terms with the fact that it’s not true, but it’s not. honestly, how ‘well’ you perform from a capitalistic standpoint doesn’t reflect who you are as a person. how you treat others, how you choose to experience life, your interests and your hobbies - those all say more about you than whether or not you have a job. i know you’re not going to believe me, but you being here is good enough. your presence is the most important thing. it probably feels like i’m lying, and it will for a long time, but if you start letting that idea into your mind, you’ll begin to accept it eventually.

your parents clearly have fucked up priorities. and i’m sorry. because you deserve so much better than that. having a bad relationship with them will always be shitty, and you’re totally allowed to feel whatever you need to feel about it. anger, sadness, bitterness, fear, guilt. process it all one day at a time. as long as you try to cope with those emotions in a healthy way (letting yourself cry, talking about it, writing about it, practicing self affirmations), then you’re doing fine. but at the same time, there comes a point where you have to realize that your family have no idea what the fuck they’re talking about. they really, really dont. if they only want to acknowledge you when you’re in a top school or when you have a great fucking job, then they dont deserve you at all. they wont even give you a chance to find your balance. seriously. they wont even cut you any slack. you owe them nothing but respect and since they dont respect you, you dont even owe them that. i dont know how else to put it but i cant stress it enough, they’re awful for making you feel so bad for no reason. i know exactly how you feel. and it’s just. like there’s no point in constantly overexerting yourself for the approval of people that are NEVER going to be satisfied. how they feel about you isn’t actually about you. it’s about them, and their own fucked up mindsets. you are not alive to serve them. you are not alive to be exactly who they want you to be, you know? this is YOUR life, not theirs. and it’s the only one you’re ever going to get. so if you have to make a few choices that disappoint them, then so be it. they’ll either get over it or fuck off, and either way you’ll be better off. it’s ok to start making choices for yourself, man. and it may take some time before you work up the courage to do so, but that’s alright too. it’s all a learning process.

it seems like your anxiety/depression is the real crux of all of this, though. it’s really worrying, what you said in your other ask. my heart dropped reading it. if you dont confront that issue then you wont like it anywhere, because you wont like being yourself. whether you get a great job, or make a shit ton of money, or continue to study. whatever path you take, you’ll only be truly comfortable if you make your mental health a priority. you have to take it seriously. it’s okay to put yourself first, before the people around you, before school and work. because struggling with a mental illness is one of the most difficult things in the world. and you dont have to beg anyone to understand that. are you currently on any medication, or seeing a therapist or some sort of counselor? if you are, is it possible for you to ask for additional support? and if you haven’t spoken to anyone, is than an option for you? even if you just begin by talking to your usual doctor, to see if he/she can refer you to someone? if you’re worried about money, there are low cost/free options, too. it’s just that, suicidal thoughts are not something you just have to ‘put up with.’ and they’re certainly not something you have to deal with alone. others have been exactly where you are, others understand more than you realize. you dont have to hurt yourself outwardly to show that you’re hurting inwardly, alright? if you believe anything i say, believe that. your life is so precious and rare and significant, man. and where you’re at right now truly isn’t where you’re always going to be. you’re not trapped, you have a choice to make. making the conscious effort to seek help, to admit that you need some guidance, will make a massive difference in your perception of everything. if you work closely with a professional, then you’ll be able to create a care plan for yourself, you’ll be able to learn how to incorporate healthy coping mechanisms into your life, you’ll be able to find the root causes of why you feel the way you do. you’ll be able to talk openly about your family, and the way they make you feel, and your worries about the future. all of that will make the pain manageable. there is treatment available. it wont be an instant improvement, but reaching out is a wonderful place to start. your mental health is just as important as your physical health. and of course, there will always be a part of your mind that tries to talk you out of it. there’ll always be that moment of anxiety/fear, when you dont know what you’re doing. but you need to try to look past that, and to have a bit of empathy for your future self. temporary feelings should never stop you from getting the care that you need. so even if you just begin by calling a hotline to see what they think you should do next, then that’s still something to be v proud of.

i know it’s hard. i get it. i understand more than i can put into words. and i know that asking for help is a massive step. i’m not saying you have to make any big decisions right now. i’m just asking you to consider it, consider yourself for once in your life. i know there are days where you feel like living like this isn’t worth it at all. you dont want to live like this anymore, right? and you dont have to, but killing yourself wont solve anything. it’s ok to feel like giving up sometimes. as long as you know the difference between having a thought, and actually acting on it. you dont have to lean into the pain, you can just let it wash over you. your mental illnesses and your family and all of the bullshit is stopping you from seeing how wonderful and worthy you are, how much life still has to offer you. there’s so much you haven’t experienced. there is so much happiness waiting in the future. it won’t be constant, but it’ll become a theme in your life. you have all of the time in the world to figure things out. this is the exact age that you’re supposed to be confused and lost, and to not know what to do. you don’t have to have everything worked out right now. you’re doing so much better than you think you are, i promise. the only thing you have to worry about is taking care of yourself. that’s the only thing that’s truly in your control. you can create a better environment for yourself. you can create a life that you dont want to escape from, and that’s what you truly need. not to die but to re-envision your own existence. it’s healthy to do that from time to time.

as a sidenote, it’s completely up to you whether or not you go to the job interview. there’s no pressure, there’s no wrong answer. but i just hope you know it’s okay to take things at your own pace, regardless of what your dumb ass family has to say. i think the smartest move for you to make is to put all of your energy into reaching out for help. continue to study, just put it on the back burner for now. continue to look for a job (tho i think smth part time is realistically a better option for you), but dont put all of your self worth into it. more than anything, this is a transitional period in your life. it’s the stepping stone between here and there. uncertainty is to be expected, anxiety is to be expected, but that doesn’t mean you have to handle it all on your own. i believe with all of my heart that you’re going to be okay. you said ‘i want to be alive before anything else.’ you should always hold onto that. you’re so fucking capable, and you’re so much stronger than you realize, dude. i’m not bullshitting. i’m being straight up. keep taking it one day at a time. if that feels like too much, one hour at a time. even getting through one minute at a time is something to celebrate. look at the next 24 hours of your life, and see what you can do in that time to help yourself - fuck everything else. i’m always here if you need a friend, or if you want to talk about this properly. i’m sorry i couldn’t be of more help. if you ever need anyone, hmu. if you think you’re going to do something, hmu. and please stick around. you’re not going to regret it.

http://ibpf.org/resource/list-international-suicide-hotlines

#tw suicide #anon #long post #chloe makes no sense for 80 paragraphs straight part 2000 #this isn't how i wanted to say this but i hope the sentiment gets thru #is there any way to prevent people that dont want to see anons from seeing them ???

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