#i enjoy the awkward young dude who just wants to save people :(

[citrine-elephant]

so badly do i want to go on little rants about theories and ideas and au's for re, but i don't want to embarrass myself around the nerds who've been on it since before i was born.

but of course i'm interested in the attractive sad man who gets his ass kicked a lot, so i gotta wonder what a beloved character getting caught and weaponized like jill would be like, right? i mean come on, can't we even add some of that good ol' ada/leon drama to it? (i'd prefer it to be along the lines of "i want to see you again" rather than "hand over the sample" ya know?)

can't i just try to get in the mind of this poor traumatized survivor of horror having to go through yet another awful awful thing?

[mothellie]

I've gotten a few asks related to various aspects of my identity (specifically my pronouns) that I've made public on my blog. Some of them were coming from places of genuinely wanting to learn, while others were quite the opposite. I have ignored all of those asks, mostly to preserve my mental health as I go through a super stressful period in my life. But, in lieu of Pride Month, I kind of want to speak a bit about my experience with transness and queerness in general because it's something I've never really spoken about. This post will be very long, but extremely important for young queer people who may be experiencing Pride for the first time in their lives and being daunted by an unfortunately pretty divided community. I hope my experiences offer you a hopeful perspective on your future.

I first realized I was bisexual when I was 12 years old just before a youth group service at the church I used to go to. A guest had tagged along with a friend of theirs who was a regular member of our youth ministry, and he seemed like a pretty fun dude, so I ended up sticking to him throughout the night and talking to him about various things. At one point, he had mentioned being bisexual. I had no idea what that meant because at the time, queerness was a foreign concept to me. He explained that it was because he was attracted to men and women. I had asked him why he was, being a young Christian who was mostly in awe of that being an option, and he simply responded that he 'liked to keep his options open'. Obviously, he meant it mostly lightheartedly, but that interaction stuck with me for many years and I still think back on it sometimes fondly. (Wherever you are, dude, I hope you're well.)

That was when I had started to learn in private about different queer identities. At the time, I only knew of straight, gay, lesbian and bisexual. And then, also in private, I began thinking I might be bisexual myself. I realized I might've had a crush on this girl in my grade who was a cheerleader. She was the only popular girl who was nice to me, as I was extremely awkward and visibly neurodivergent/autistic, and often said offensive or crazy things due to what was being perpetuated and taught in my home with no filter. I had decided to try and invite her to my sleepover birthday party when I turned 13, but genuinely did not think she would show up. I just knew having her there would make my entire birthday better. At the time, I had a boyfriend who also went to the same church I did, but things were not going well with him and I felt more like something he settled for than actually liked.

But she did show up to my party. She even showed up before anyone else did (save for my best friend who had been there pretty much all afternoon helping me plan everything.) And to say I was shocked would be an understatement. She even bought me a present last minute, a little diary with it's own lock.

I realized pretty quickly as we hung out waiting for my other friends and my boyfriend to arrive that I definitely did have a crush on her. I felt the same way about her that I had when I had first started dating my boyfriend. I had even compared how I felt about her to how I felt about my best friend, and the differences were uncanny. My other friends and boyfriend arrived finally and we enjoyed a relatively nice day together. When it was time for the actual sleepover part of the celebration, my boyfriend and a couple of the girls who couldn't stay the night went home. It was only me, my best friend, the girl I liked, and another friend of mine. That friend ended up going to sleep early as well, so it was down to three. For the sake of this story, we'll call my best friend R and my crush E.

E was so sweet to me the whole night. When R went to go take a shower, E and I laid in bed talking about random things. I asked her about her life, if she had a boyfriend, what she liked to do. It was honestly one of the best nights of my life. And then it somehow got better because after R got back from her shower, E suggested we play party games. I had never played party games so she taught me a few of them, such as Truth or Dare. Eventually, we went through three different party games before we got bored, but none of us were tired yet. So E, of all people, suggested a new game.

Spin the bottle.

I swear it was taken straight out of a fanfiction. Not only was this girl who didn't really hang out with me willingly coming to my sleepover and bringing me a birthday gift and telling me about her life, she also didn't turn up her nose at the idea of kissing me. Openly suggested it, even.

To make a long story short, we did kiss. A few times. Playing spin the bottle with only three people meant there weren't really many options with who kissed who. But I knew kissing her felt different than kissing my friend. With my friend, they were light childish pecks followed by embarrassed giggling. With her, I was a nervous wreck, lingering a bit too long in her space and trying to make the moments last. So much more happened at that party, but I'm keeping a lot of that to myself. It was a really formative memory for me and sometimes things are better left unsaid. But I walked away from that party knowing two things: I liked girls, and I definitely liked one girl.

I wish I could say that ended with us dating, or that things went beyond that party in any capacity, but they didn't. We went back to being friendly acquaintances and nothing more. But honestly, that was okay. I knew I didn't really have a chance with her and the experience meant more than my daydreams. What I got to take away from it was self-discovery.

A few months later, The Last of Us: Left Behind came out. The Last of Us was and still is my favorite game series of all time, and I was eager to see more of Ellie Williams. At the time, I was still struggling with my identity. I had accepted that I was attracted to women given everything I had went through with E and the boy who helped me learn what bisexuality was, but I hadn't so much as thought of coming out because I was terrified. It was hard for me to comes to terms with it all even if I could acknowledge it was the truth because of my religious background and homelife. I had cut my hair very short when I was around 12 because it made me feel nice, which I couldn't put into words at the time why it did. Kids at school had openly called me slurs and mocked me for the appearance change, making me apprehensive to ever openly identify as any queer label.

But I watched my biological father play Left Behind and we finally got to The Moment. The kiss. Ellie's kiss with Riley. Another girl.

Words can't describe what it was like seeing my favorite character in the entire world kissing a girl and being okay with it. I was completely speechless, watching it play out more intensely than anything I ever had in my life. After the DLC was finished, I went back to my room and immediately googled different searches about the kiss and what it meant for Ellie as a character, and everyone unanimously labeled her as a lesbian given her canon disinterest in boys and canon romantic involvement with a girl. I had thought back on my relationship with my ex boyfriend, and how I never felt for him as strongly as I felt for E. So that sealed it for the next year or two of my life. I was now definitely and happily a lesbian.

But honestly it ending there would've been too easy, so my coming out journey wasn't over. My next relationship was with a boy in the 8th grade at the new school I transferred to. I realized that lesbian as a label no longer fit me, so I openly came out as bisexual to my friends. To my surprise, they all supported me wholeheartedly. I didn't have to deal with any of the backlash I experienced when I cut my hair. It was freeing and the label felt right. I ended up dating almost exclusively other boys in my grades through the rest of 8th grade and into 9th and 10th grade because I was too daunted at the idea of asking any girl at my school out. A few times, I changed my label to pansexual, but I always went back to bi.

I was in the 10th grade when a Junior had come out as a trans man. Everyone was talking about it so it was hard to avoid the news. Being in the bible belt, these things were considered news to high school kids. At the time, I had no idea what being trans was. I knew I had some level of discomfort with being feminine, but I never knew how to describe it, I always just thought I was a tomboy and 'wasn't like other girls' (young River you were so close to the point lol).

But him coming out really set something off in me. Yet again, I found myself googling what transgender meant, which lead to a slew of searches all with the general premise of 'how do I know if I'm trans'.

Suddenly, I started noticing exactly what I was uncomfortable with about being a girl. I didn't like my chest. I didn't like my face. I didn't like the language people used for me. It all started to fall into place in the most frightening way and I had no idea what to do about it. I saw how many teens at my school reacted to the coming out that just happened. I couldn't go through another public ridicule.

So I confided in my friend at the time who is gay, and he offered to bring me with him to a out of school GSA group he attended on occasion so I could meet other trans people and hear them speak on their experiences with gender. I jumped at the opportunity and went. Everyone there was so helpful, even the adults. They listened to my concerns and feelings, and offered me real solutions in order to figure out my preferences. One person suggested I make three bracelets to signify she/her, he/him and they/them. I could wear them on any given day and the people I've briefed before on what they meant could then refer to me as the correlated pronoun for the rest of the day to get a feel for what felt good and what didn't. I loved the idea and they helped me make the bracelets.

Remembering how well my friends had reacted to my original coming out as bisexual, I decided to come out to them again, telling them I was questioning my gender and explaining the bracelet code to them. I had expected them to react positively again and was genuinely excited to share the news.

However, when I told my friends, most of them reacted with annoyance. They told me that being trans didn't work that way, that it wasn't a game of dress-up, and some even suggested I only decided this to piggyback off of the attention of the recent public coming out at our school. I was heartbroken, and extremely embarrassed that I had even brought it up at all. That was when one of these peers pulled me aside later and offered sympathies to me, saying they had a YouTuber they liked that they thought I should check out. That he was a trans man himself and he posted a lot of content about the trans experience outlining what being trans was and wasn't. I jumped at the opportunity to yet again educate myself on something I seemed to be completely ill-informed on, and they sent me the link to his channel.

This was K-lvin G-rr-h.

For those of you who don't know who he is, good. For those that do, I'm sorry. I wish I had never clicked on his channel. Because the result was me pushing myself so far back in the closet that I went back to identifying as straight and abandoned queerness altogether. I hated myself for months thinking I had made a mockery of this dude who had never even met me and genuinely believed I did it for attention. I lived with the discomfort regarding my gender and sexuality for the next three years, putting myself back into church. I went three times a week on a regular basis to try and atone for everything I had done, even volunteering for the church in my spare time.

I had went into a long-term manic episode between the ages of 17 and 18, and ended up leaving the church. As soon as I turned 18, I downloaded Tinder and met up with several men in my area, having them pick me up directly from my house and sleeping with them in seedy locations with my phone on 5% to try and prove something to myself. I was attracted to men. I was wholly a woman. Being queer was a phase. I thought if I had enough 'straight sex' it would somehow make those aspects of myself disappear. Lo and behold, it didn't. It did so much harm and very little good.

So I was back to bi. I dedicated myself to healing and even hung up pride flags in my room now that I was an adult. I had tried to come out to my biological father several times over the years, but each time I was either dismissed or outright given the silent treatment for weeks before he would pretend nothing ever happened. Eventually, it culminated in us having a long talk. He still didn't seem supportive of the idea of me being queer for one reason or another (and I wont get into my relationship with him here as that's not something I want public on this blog but it was definitely extremely unhealthy and co-dependent), he told me he would still love me if I was gay. That I still had a place in his home, despite him feeling adverse to the idea. That was all I needed and I walked away from that conversation thinking that everything had been cleared up and he finally knew.

I was wrong. I came home from work on evening about a month after I graduated high school to him clutching my pride flags in his hand. He had found them in my room and tore them down while I was out (they had been up for months at that point so I genuinely thought he had noticed by then and just didn't care otherwise I wouldn't have hung them up at all). He said a lot of things I wont repeat here, but the key things he said were that I couldn't fly those 'faggy' colors under his roof, and that if I kept disrespecting him, I could get the fuck out.

For the first time ever, I was finally old enough to leave. I knew I needed to. That was the turning point, because I realized it would genuinely never get better if I didn't. So I left. I had been deadlocked at the door the entire argument and as soon as he told me to leave, I did a 180 and rushed out the door. I stayed at a neighbors house for a few days until I moved back in with my mom, who I hadn't seen in years. Her and my stepdad are extremely accepting people, and as soon as I told her I was essentially kicked out and needed a place to stay, she told me she would be there the very next day to pick me up and bring me home.

At her house, I finally started to heal like I had wanted to. I still wasn't acknowledging my transness and still held the belief that I was wrong about that aspect of myself, but things in my life were overall looking up. I had my mom back, and I had siblings, and I had a dad who loved me exactly as I was.

I then started going on dates from Tinder again, but it was more to find a partner than it was for sex this time. Eventually, I met my ex-girlfriend. I believe to this day I was still manic at the time and didn't properly give myself the space to process everything that had happened to me, so I ended up moving in with her 3 weeks into our relationship despite us not being very compatible people. Not only was that an extremely stupid decision, but it might've been the worst decision I've ever made. Because suddenly, we get the news to quarantine. The pandemic had started.

I had lost my job due to this, and half of my family due to my identity. I also lost two family members under tragic circumstances shortly before this happened. So mania crashed into the most severe depressive episode I've ever experienced in my life. I couldn't get out of bed. I didn't bathe for nearly a year. I didn't brush my teeth. All I had the energy to do was play video games and watch YouTube. My legs grew weak from disuse and I still sometimes shake when I stand. My mouth is a complete wreck from poor dental hygiene and I still struggle to remember to take care of myself since I went so long without the routine. I surrounded myself with filth and the apartment turned into a hazard. My relationship with my girlfriend at the time completely deteriorated. I had no idea what to do about my identity, I had no friends, and I missed my grandmother. I felt so truly alone.

Then my girlfriend came out to me as a trans woman.

I was shocked at the time, but extremely supportive. And I watched her explore herself in real time, dressing in feminine clothes and beaming when I called her feminine pet names. And finally, now that I was locked inside and had no one to perform to, I started to revisit my identity again.

I changed my name to Eden and went by she/they pronouns. Then they/them. Eventually I joined the Octopunk Media fandom after discovering their Detroit Evolution film and met some amazing friends there. When I had told them about my identity, this time I was met with support. I finally had a community that allowed me to experiment with my labels without fear of judgment.

I eventually changed my name to Ethan and my pronouns to he/they. Then my name became Gavin, and eventually my pronouns were he/him. I went through several gender labels during this time. Listing them all would make this post impossibly longer than it already is. But eventually I landed on just trans man, and gay.

I still believed that I couldn't be anything other than cisgender, a trans man or strictly non-binary until I was almost 20. It was around this time I joined a radically inclusive part of queer Tumblr, where people coined gender labels (among other things) that were unique and completely separated from Western ideals of gender and sexuality. And that was finally the turning point for me accepting that my labels could be as intricate and unique as I wanted them to be. That there was no one person making these rules. So I started to experiment with unique labels, mixing labels together that most would consider contradictory, overall just trying to find a way to appropriately described the way I felt. This time, the exploration was fun. I was surrounded by a community that cheered me on and celebrated the things that made me unique. It was also around this time I got really into queer history and learning about how the queer community had become so exclusionary over the years as opposed to what it used to be. A celebration of our differences. I realized that all that time I spent thinking I was a horrible person for my feelings, and how there had to be a 'right' way to be a queer, I could've been happy. I could've had fun with my identity and embraced what being queer was really about. I finally adopted neopronouns, which is where I discovered hy/hym. It was like he/him but spelled in a way that felt unique from being masculine in a binary way, which is something I desperately wanted. They/them has never resonated the way other pronouns had, and she/her feels very uncomfortable for me. These pronouns felt more like me than anything else ever had, and paired with my new labels, I finally felt like myself.

I wont get into my exact labels here. There's a reason I don't put them just anywhere. The people I want to know certain things do and everything else is no one's business but my own. I still do have a semi-active blog within the queer coining community on Tumblr as a completely separate account to this one. I will also never share the handle to that blog. What matters is I'm finally comfortable in my skin. My identity may not make sense to absolutely everyone. Some people may outright hate me for it, or claim that I make a mockery out of the community. I no longer care, though. My identity is mine and it's something that is so sacred to me now because I had to sacrifice so much of who I used to be to even make it here today. I'm proud to be a messy queer who doesn't fit into the boxes society tells me I should. I'm proud of having labels that might confuse the masses, or enrage the bigots, or even enrage killjoy queers in the community gatekeeping every single experience and label known to man over silly things. I'm happy with myself for the first time in so long and I refuse to ever let that go again or bend to anyone else's opinions. I found my faith in a different religion and practice where I feel like I belong, as opposed to an imposter infiltrating holy places.

So for this Pride Month, I need every single person who was willing to sit and read through this entire thing to know that being queer has never been, and never will be, about fitting into boxes or having a clean linear discovery journey. Labels are there to describe feelings you have, they aren't meant to be cliques that constantly argue who is and isn't valid under them. Sometimes you wont fit neatly into one label or another. Sometimes you feel comfortable with two labels people tell you cannot mix. Sometimes you don't wanna label yourself at all. And sometimes, your labels even change, or the feelings behind them do. Your identity can shift and you can discover new things about yourself in any stage of your life. It's okay to be contradictory. It's okay to be unlabeled. It's okay to have a whole hoard of labels. It's okay to use fun pronouns. It's okay to be queer.

Being queer is about stepping out of the binary in a lot of ways. It's a protest. It's a riot. None of those things can be true if we simply create a new, still restricting binary. I never want someone to experience what I did when I know I could've been so much happier so much earlier.

Ignore the in-fighting. Ignore the exclusionaries. Be yourself. I promise it's worth it in the end. Because one day you'll wake up and realize you spent your formative years worrying yourself sick late at night over other people's opinions of you that don't matter instead of staying true to you. I made it. You can, too. There's still time. You're not alone.

[bsaka7]

i did finish the fic!!!! gave me the like “omg what do i even do with these feelings now” hahaha it really is such a masterpiece!

the character foils were everything!!! obviously pierre and esteban at the core but even the relationship of pierre and charles compared to his with esteban, pierres career compared to estebans, pierres family etc etc it all interacts to create such a wonderful picture of who they are and how they have… become who they are??? like even from the beginning, when theyre karting together and estebans first feelings are “i want to win and i want to be in the kart but hes going first :(“ and that… changes but never really goes away because its important to him and the little moments that show their diff upbringing too like… pierre asking for like. snacks for instance, and not having that fear of being rude and having something taken away from him that esteban has, like his interactions with pierres family made me want to scream because like. the cautiousness and politeness like so so so real

estebans ENTIRE relationship with crying. AGGHHHH!!!!!

and pierre not understanding why he cant separate on and off track but like. estebans put his whole self into it in a different way to what pierre has, and just exactly what its like to be kind of. insular and awkward as a kid because that DOES follow you, his difficulties fitting in with his peer group etc etc

the playing COD together made me 😭😭😭 😭 ESPECIALLY when pierre was like dude was that ur mum??? and its like. in my head ratatouille flashback pierre and estebans parents. AND ESTEBAN ADDED TO THE GROUP CHAT AND HES LIKE… im inside now :) UGHRJFJ SOBBING

omfg and all the unsent texts when pierre got demoted… esteban im literally reaching thru the screen to make u press send sorry anyway. beautiful beautiful beautiful fic thank u so much!!!! mwah!!! <3

Thank u!! This is long so under the cut haha

ahhh that's amazing to hear 😭😭 I love when writing makes me feel like that so it's an honor to be able to do it for u!!! I'm really glad I was able to flesh out that world in a way that felt real!!! I was sort of debating whether to tag this fic as a bildungsroman or not (obv I didn't) because I didn't know if there was enough character change/on loss/psychological focus... like they grow up but i wanted to keep that raw competitive core and also keep the elements of - Pierre's parents saying they tried to protect his childhood, but he moved away so young. Esteban saying he grew up quick. Etc. like you said - 'insular and awkward'. the stuff about crying (este talking about crying after getting scratched from Australia 2019 testing with merc. It destroys me). It sneaks up on u. You never escape that!!! And if you do, you have to work for it!!!!

the triangulation of Charles/pierre/esteban is like. Everything to me. I need a proper messy love triangle. i need Charles pov on the whole thing. the way Charles is. he's in a different league than them and he knows it but he wants to be loved anyway...

i think also capturing how people interact with each other online is - hard. i literally just sketched out a Cinderella story au with @nicotineteeth lmao and i keep thinking about it like. about the idiot by batuman. how can you know someone so well online and not know how it will flesh out when you meet each other. can you talk past each other without realizing it. obv here - and in most of my fic - i try to stay in the present but even with relationships like that. i feel like saying things you mean in text is. almost even worse. that was the only scene in this whole fic where both pierre and esteban weren't there and i was honestly debating it but like that's a connection too. ok sorry to ramble about something so tangential haha.

I really appreciate ur message haha. Screenshotted and saved!! I'm very glad you enjoyed my little fic and I really enjoyed hearing ur comments!!! ❤️❤️

[00katrinka00]

Landcaster Legacy Gen 7 Update #46

Dear Diary, I'm still in the process of convincing my mom to let me go to Del Sol Valley this summer, and so far, nothing has worked. I asked Leo to help me out, and I think he made a speech in my defense. Now we just have to sit mom down so he can read it. -Violet

While Violet racks her brain for ways to change her mother's mind, Alex and Sophie both learned how to pull to stand up! They're getting too big.

"So, how about this afternoon after I get done with work?" Violet asked her brother. "Sure," said Leo. "Not sure how good my speech is going to be, but I'll try." "Thank you! Mom thinks you're super responsible, so I thank you for the endorsement with all of this." "No problem."

Mads was busy making a pie for the new neighbors who had moved in down the street when Violet came in. "Have you read the course information yet?" she asked. "Not yet," said Mads. "Please! They need to know by the end of the day tomorrow." "I'm aware sweetheart."

While Violet was at work, Leo and Lacy (mostly Leo) were watching the twins, Mads, Ethan and Rosie decided to welcome their new neighbors to Copperdale. Usually Mads enjoyed meeting new people, but the sight of her ex-boyfriend answering the door was a letdown. "Whit?" "Mads!"

"This is such a surprise I-" Whit was cut off "Don't think for one second, I've forgotten all the shit you put Mads through," said Ethan angerly "Dude chill" Whit told him. "That was like 25 years ago" "Ugh" Whit's wife, Brenna, said "What is SHE doing here?" "Awkward" said Rosie

While the adults continued to argue, Rosie spotted another child about her age and went to introduce herself. "Hi, I'm Rosie" she said cheerfully. "I'm Jax," the boy replied, "Short for Jaxon. Want to go outside and play on the swings?" "Sure, why not," Rosie exclaimed.

Together Rosie and Jax played on the swings. "What are our parents fighting about?" she asked him Jax shrugged, "Don't know, but my parents fight all the time, so it's probably nothing" "All the time?" "All parents fight so it's completely normal." "Mine don't" Rosie said quietly

Eventually the arguing subsided, and Brenna and Whit led Mads and Ethan into the living room. "We really couldn't have asked for a more perfect child, our oldest daughter, Magnolia, really is a dream," Brenna bragged. "Graduated early going to Foxburry, she's perfection."

"Yeah" Ethan said irritated. "Well, our son, Leo, just graduated, he was valedictorian, and he's going to Foxburry as well, enrolled in the distinguished Biology degree." "Well Magnolia got an early admission into Foxburry, she's so talented, a beautiful singer," Brenna continued

"Our daughter Violet is a singer" Mads quickly said "She's super talented she's attending a special class for young musicians in Del Sol Valley this summer, was personally invited by Amelia Alden the daughter of David Alden who owns the biggest recording company in the save file"

Brenna laughed, "No need to lie here, Madeline," she said condescendingly. "I understand that you and your wrinkles probably aren't as successful as you'd hoped to be by this time in your life, but it's really undignified to lie, especially about your children." "We're leaving."

While Ethan headed outside to grab Rosie, Mads waited in the front hallway when Whit approached. "You know, just say the word and I'll divorce Brenna if you wanna get back together, she's gained some since the birth of our youngest daughter" Mads was repulsed, "You're disgusting"

"Brenna is far from my favorite person, but you have no right to talk about your wife that way, she gave you three beautiful children, and you should be grateful," Mads berated him. "Then get back together with because Ethan's a loser" "He's a far better man than you ever were."

"C'mon Mads," Whit rolled his eyes. "What we had was great." "Do I need to remind you how many times you cheated on me?" "That's in the past, I swear I've changed." "Based on what you've said today, that's a lie," "Mads," "You're an asshole Whit Reed," Mads slapped him.

"You know," said Ethan once they'd returned home. "When am I going to get a shot to hit Whit?" Mads let out a small laugh, "He's awful, so I'm sure you'll have your chance." "I'd settle on throwing something at him too," Ethan added. "I love you," Mads kissed his cheek.

Rosie was not happy about leaving the Reed's house. "I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU!" She stomped her foot on the ground during her tantrum. "I was just starting to finally make a friend and you made us leave." "You cannot speak to my like that young lady," Mads scolded her. "Sorry Mom."

Later, once Violet had finished with work, she led Mads into the living room to listen to Leo's speech. "So, I know you think Leo is super responsible and everything, so he's here to tell you why he, a very responsible new adult, thinks I should go to Del Sol Valley this summer."

"Relax, sweetheart," Mads said. "You can go." "What!?" Violet exclaimed. "Really? Because you were dead set against me going this morning." "Yes, you can go," Mads assured her. Violet stood up and pulled her mother into a very grateful hug.

"I still want a tour of the facility," Mads told Violet sternly. "You also need to promise to be on your best behavior while there, and you have to call me every day." "Yes, yes!" exclaimed Violet. "I promise!" "Then I suppose you should go give that Amelia Alden a call."