#i feel like i still chainsmoke in that reality so that's another reason it's good that we live in this one instead

[nostalgia-tblr]

Between the Sylki Arranged Marriage AU and the Sylki Adultery AU and the thing I wrote for Sifki Week I feel like you and I are seeing into the parallel timeline where I am a successful yet reclusive author of filthy historical novels where the words "manhood" and "seed" get used more than they should (i.e. more than never) BUT the underwear that's being cast off in a lust-filled frenzy would be mostly accurate, and I'd be avoiding Goodreads in case I found out that this was not the secret behind the sales of what the supermarket book aisles advertise as "like Alison Weir but the characters fuck at least once every three chapters."

[sarcastically-defensive17]

Negatives? - C. Hood

Hello my lovies! This is the anticipated second part of “Benefits?”!! Didn’t think we could get angstier but here we are!! I apologise in advance!

Masterlist will be updated soon! Hope you enjoy! More requests will be filled very soon!

Original story by sarcastically-defensive17

9 months. 9 months of longing, of pain, of loneliness. 9 months of being cooped up inside of his own head because he was too ignorant and rude to admit that he hadn’t buried his feelings for Y/N.

Drew made Y/N smile, but he knew that he could do better. He made her laugh, yet she laughed heartier when Calum would joke with her. Drew kissed her, yet Calum knew he would do better.

But he didn’t deserve her. Not in any way, shape or form. He had ruined his chances with her the minute he told her she wasn’t good enough to be with him.

Every interaction between the former friends was cold. Y/N looked as if she were fighting back tears and Calum often had to leave the room as his own fell. The band knew what happened between the two; they had been there to pick up the pieces for Calum as Y/N called their manager to quit and took off. She was determined to prove Calum wrong, and everybody knew it.

She kept Sierra up to date with her whereabouts, and job prospects. The two had grown closer as the older woman comforted Y/N. Sierra, in turn, kept Luke updated, and he the rest of the band - except Calum. Whenever he heard her name, he would get angry. It took him months to realise that his anger wasn’t directed towards Y/N, but himself. He let her get away. He was scared to open up. He got defensive, rude, nasty. He broke her heart and stomped on it as he left. All for what?

Drew knew nothing of the relationship between the two, just that they were once friends. He didn’t pry, nor did he try to figure out why the two didn’t talk, he simply made sure to comfort Y/N in anyway after a long day.

Things came to a head very quickly as they hit their 12th show of the tour. The entirety of the trip had been tense. There were very few photos of Calum captured, blatant ignorance as Calum tried to speak to Y/N and many outbursts of anger from the pair. Ashton and Michael had enough.

One fine, aesthetically pleasing Tuesday afternoon, the two broke the ambient air with their shouting. All because of the lack of Calum content on the band Instagram.

“If I see one more comment asking for more Calum, I might scream. There’s enough me content. We don’t need him,” Michael whined, scrolling through Instagram on his phone as Y/N sat next to him, back leaned against Drew, laptop on her lap.

“I think we might need to get some more pictures of the man up there, Y/N,” Luke said, his voice soft, eyes softer. He sent her a sympathetic smile, knowing exactly why there is an acute lack of the Maori man.

Calum scoffed from the other side of the room. They were all situated in Ashton’s hotel room, empty pizza boxes on the tables and floor in front of them. “Why would she do that?”

“Cal,” Luke warned, only to be interrupted by his other friend.

“Sorry, I didn’t think I was good enough to take pictures of you,” Y/N spat, not looking up from her device. “Do it yourself. After all, any genius could do it, right?” The venom made everybody recoil, bar Calum.

He made an interested sound, walking closer to where she was sitting. “Tough words, careful. You might up and run away again, Y/N.” He was mad. She had left them all. She didn’t even give him the chance to talk about it when he wasn’t angry. She blocked his number as soon as she left. She cut him out of her life.

Y/N slammed her laptop shut, standing faster than anybody expected. Her and Calum were practically face-to-face at this point. Ashton was on his feet, surprised at the speed of escalation. “My time of taking photos of narcissistic, degrading assholes is over. Go find somebody else to toy with, Calum.”

“Still playing the victim, are we-“

“Enough!” Ashton had hit his point. For too long, the pair had been making the trip uncomfortable. It was putting a strain on the performance of everybody, and now causing issues with the fans. “Y/N sit down. Calum you sit over there and shut your damn mouth for a minute. Everybody else, get out.” It was rare for Ashton to lose his cool. He was the most composed of all of them, and often played the part of the most mature band member. It was a well known fact that when Ashton had enough, it was time for things to be sorted before shit hit the fan for good. As he ordered, everybody filed out except for the two in question. Y/N sat with a scowl on her face, arms folded across her chest as she chewed at the inside of her cheek. Calum sat on the bed across the room, facing the other direction for fear of lashing out again.

“Ashton what is going on-“

“Zip it, sugarface,” he raised a finger to Y/N silencing her with the gesture. “Enough is enough. This shit keeps going on and it is affecting all of us.” His brow was furrowed deep, jaw set and red hair mirroring his mood adequately. “Calum, you fucked up big time. Y/N you ran off and cut all contact. We have 7 hours until our show, and our sound check starts in 4 hours. You have two and a half to sort this shit out, or we will sort out other arrangements.”

“Ashton, this really isn’t necessary-“

“I don’t care. I’m leaving now and you’re stuck in here. I suggest sorting this out because we have all had enough of it.”

Y/N nodded, watching Calum closely across the room. He stayed silent, back still turned towards his friend and the woman he loved. This was his chance to explain everything, but it could also be his change to ruin things more than they already are. Given his track record, he wouldn’t be surprised if the tables shifted in favour of the latter.

The door closed behind Ashton, silence enveloping the room and making the air more heavy. Y/N felt the discomfort settle on top of the air, weighing it down on her skin until she felt as if her head were spinning.

Half an hour passed. They sat on either sides of the room still, both holding their words in out of spite.

“Why did you leave?” The words fell from his lips before he could think about them. It had been playing on his mind for so long. After a few days, when he had cooled down, he wanted to call her. He wanted to tell her that he was scared and angry and frustrated at himself. That he didn’t want somebody like her to be ruined by him and the life he lived.

“What?” She snipped, not looking up from her phone.

“Why did you leave?” He repeated.

A humorless laugh left her lips, much like the night he saw her last. “You’re joking, right? How could you expect me to stay after that?”

He finally turned to face her, she looked disinterested. Her attention was on her phone - probably messaging drew, he thought - and definitely not on the conversation they were meant to be having. Even after so long, she was still so beautiful in his eyes. Her temper was overwhelming, but she never showed anger towards another unless she had been wrong, and boy, did he do her wrong.

“I tried to apologise, Y/N. I called you, texted-“

“And I waited, Calum.” She was mad, yet calm. Her eyes were burning with fury, jaw clenched hard as she gritted words through teeth. “I waited two days. I got nothing from you, you ignored my calls, and I had enough.”

He huffed, a heavy breath leaving his nostrils, “So because I ignored you for a few days, you left? You left us without a photographer, without a friend, just to go screw around with the Chainsmokers?” He was angry. So was she. He was standing. She was sitting, phone clenched between white knuckles.

“I left,” she was on her feet now, almost chest-to-chest with him and radiating far more anger than he had ever seen, “because you not only degraded and embarrassed me, you criticized my career. I was terrified to open up to you. I knew you wouldn’t feel the same because I was hold never be good enough for you, but I tried. I tried to be open and all I got was made a mockery out of and told that I was practically worthless in my position working with the band.” She stepped closer to him, now at a point where they could stare at one another. Her phone had been thrown aside now, flung from her fingers as she stood. “I spent seven years with you all. I was there for you through everything. I fell in love with you, Calum. And you destroyed it within an hour.”

Her words were venomous, cutting deep along Calum’s heart and allowing the reality to finally, completely, sink in. He caused this. He made her leave because he treated her confession as a joke. He is the reason she is with Drew now, no longer his friend, or his lover. Or even his coworker. It is all his fault.

He slumped down onto the seat next to him, holding his head in his hands and trying to compose himself. He couldn’t even apologise, for he didn’t trust his voice.

“I gave you everything, Calum, and you threw it back in my face. How could I stick around?” She couldn’t look at him. Whether it was out of anger or sadness, or even fear of him making a fool of her again. She couldn’t bring herself to do it, so she turned around, staring out of the window of the hotel room.

They had a nice view, and she allowed it to distract her eyes from harboring tears.

She heard the rustling of fabric behind her, along with the creak of the chair beneath Calum. The soft padding on carpet told her that he was walking closer to her.

“I-“ he started, taking in a breath. She could hear the emotion. “I can’t begin to tell you how much I hate myself for what I did to you that day, Y/N.” He had tears streaming down his face, she could see so in the reflection in the window. “I don’t know why I said those things. I should never have told you that you weren’t good enough, or insulted the career that you built for yourself. I’ve been replaying that day over and over since it happened, Y/N. I knew that I loved you four years ago, and hearing you say it, after I tried my hardest to push down those feelings - I don’t know why but I got so defensive-“

“Shut your mouth.” She hissed, turning and allowing her anger to resurface. “For fuck sakes, Calum. Don’t try and play with my head again. You didn’t love me, not like that.”

“I loved you more than I have loved anybody else, Y/N.” He whispered, voice steady and his eyes not leaving hers. He was telling the truth, and they both knew it. “I fell in love with you so many years ago. I didn’t want to do anything to ruin this, but then you told me what I had been dying to hear for so long.” He sniffed, brushing tears away aggressively as he pressed his palms into his eyes. “I’m an idiot.”

“I can’t help but agree with you.” Y/N turned away from the window, the view no longer appealing as her own reflection became far too evident, along with Calum’s.

Another few minutes passed, both now situated in the seats they previously occupied. Y/N had her knees pulled up to her chest, picking at her fingernails. Calum was staring at his feet.

“I’ve found that if I close my eyes, I can sometimes pretend that Drew is you,” Y/N whispered. Her voice was full of pain. She was still processing the information that Calum had fed her. Still trying to figure out what to say to him. She figured the truth was better than anything. “I want - I wanted a future with you, Calum. I wanted to be able to wake up knowing that the man I loved, loved me back. That the man who knew me better than anybody else, was there with me. Hearing you say those things to me was the worst thing I could have experienced.”

“Y/N, I-“

“I hate to say it, but I still love you. I still wish that every time I fell asleep with Drew, it was you beside me. It’s easy to pretend.” Her own tears fell. “I can’t forgive you so easily. I can’t just forget everything that you said. I can’t forget how much I want to be with you.”

“Just one more chance, Y/N, please?” Calum was focused solely on her. He was ready and willing to be down on his knees, begging to have her in his life again. Not even for love. He would be fine to simply be able to watch a movie with her, joke with her. Love her like he did before. “I know I can’t make up for it right now, but I love you so much. I would spend the rest of my life showing you how sorry I am, if you would let me. You deserve far better than me.”

For possibly the millionth time, Y/N was at a loss for words. Calum kept his vulnerability from many people, but Y/N could often read him like a book. Unfortunately, he could do the same for her.

“You don’t need to give me an answer right now, we have a few more months of the tour left. Whatever you decide, I’ll be fine with. You never want to see me again, I’ll stay away. You want to give me a second chance, and I will spend every day of our life together making up for all of the years that I kept my mouth shut and the horrible things I said to you and the pain I caused you for the past nine months.”

A sob tore from her throat, her eyes clenched as she let his words hit her soul.

Thankfully, the door clicked. It opened cautiously, a head of red hair poking through, Ashton eyeing the pair warily.

“I can’t do this right now, Cal,” Y/N blurted, taking the chance to rise to her feet and push past Ashton and the other guys. Drew watched after her with confusion, as did Luke and Michael.

Ashton glared at Calum, “You suck at apologizing.”

Tag list: @starshonerose @theanswertoeverythingisl0v3 @mantlereid @another-lonely-heart

[btsfan15]

Interview

Interviewer: I am here with the biggest K-Pop boy band in the world, BTS! And with their friend, Navya!

*everyone claps*

Interviewer: Thank you guys so much for coming.

RM: Of course.

Interviewer: Have a seat.

*everyone sits on the couch*

Me: Oh, there’s no more space for Jin.

Jin: Oh, that’s okay. I’ll just squeeze next to Navya.

*sits down next to me*

*everyone laughs*

Interviewer: Welcome, guys. So, what’s it like being popular all over the world with thousands of fans?

RM: It’s really amazing. ARMY is so nice and sweet to us and they’re always supporting us.

V: We want ARMY to be happy through our music, and we will be there for you, with love.

Interviewer: ARMY is very lucky to have you guys. You make such amazing music. There’s so much positivity that you guys and ARMY bring to the world. Why is this message important to you?

Jin: It’s all because of ARMYs. They always give us positive energies. 

Jungkook: ARMY! Thank you for all the love. We can’t wait to surprise ARMY with a great show and let’s get it!

Interviewer: How do you feel being on stage and performing at the AMA’s?

RM: Everything is surreal. *laughs*

Interviewer: The AMA's is well known as the most American and as one of the major awards along with Grammys and the Billboard. A singer having the presence and the invitation to perform at the AMA must be meaningful. I am sure there’s something more to it than “feeling unreal.” What else can you share with us?

J-Hope: I’ve grown up watching the AMA's on television. To be able to perform at the AMA's, especially in front of all our fans here, it definitely was an unbelievable experience. It was a great honor to be here and it’ll be great to have another chance to perform here at the AMA's, in front of our fans. I’d like to thank our fans again for their continuous love and support.

RM: As you mentioned, AMA's is the most American, yet one of the major awards. I also agree that AMA has a great reputation. We definitely felt throughout the process that AMA has put a great thought and consideration in inviting us to perform on stage, not just introducing as "some strange kids from Asia". AMA made us feel like we were part of the award ceremony in many ways, such as having the The Chainsmokers introduce us and in terms of the order of performances. We were the 16th out of the 17 performers, performing right before Diana Ross, who won AMA’s Lifetime Achievement Award. Many details that were prepared by the AMA's made us feel welcomed and we really felt that they prepared a lot for us, taking the time in getting to know us, as well as showing respect to us as artists.

Interviewer: Starting with the Billboard Award in May and now your presence at the AMA's show that BTS suddenly is on a continuous rise. How do you feel?

Jin: We only got our first big win at the Mnet Asian Music Award in Korea last year. We all hugged and cried. I still cannot believe one year has not yet passed since that day. Over the year, we won a Billboard award and performed on the AMA stage. We debuted four years ago, but so much has happened during these years. Events like winning the Billboard award and performing at the AMA's happened so fast.

RM: Twitter is our main social media platform and it is very easy for us to use. We had five million followers six months ago, but now we have over ten million followers. (BTS has around ten point three million followers, which is the greatest number of followers in Twitter's Korea accounts). We have used social media for five years, and suddenly the followers doubled within the span of less than six months. Also, the 'Billboard Hot 100 chart' is the chart that every artists in the world dreams of entering. (BTS's song DNA, released in September as title track of the new album, entered the chart on no. 85. It is the second time a Korean song entered the chart after Psy's Gangnam Style). To be able to debut on the AMA's is an honor that is totally surreal and all of this is 100% due to our fans who made it possible. We have never seen a such fandom before. *laughs* 

Interviewer: BTS has a lot of characteristics. One of them is that you pick a topic and create a series off of the topic such as 'School Trilogy' or the 'Youth Series'. In the process, the growing story of each BTS member becomes the core content. This correlates into the meaning that BTS's own growth is equivalent to BTS's musical content. Do you think that these stories matches the ones of your real life? And if yes, how much do they match up with your real life?

Suga: I cannot say that our lyrics are 100% based on our experiences. But our experiences are very well-embedded in the songs. We try to tell our generation's story through our songs.

RM: Our debut song was 'No More Dream'. If you listen that song, you realize the lyric "Hey, what is your dream?" keeps repeating through-out the song. At that time, my friends were about twenty years old and most of my friends were ones with no dreams. I was very angry and frustrated to see these friends because I just could not understand why they didn’t have any dreams. I tried to convey my emotion through the lyrics. In that way, our lyrics tell the life story of teenagers and now my peers. It makes them easy to listen and relate to. The song 'Danger' also expresses such hardships. However, when we released song 'I Need You', we got so many new fans. It seems they understood title of the song. *laughs*

Interviewer: Some people said that using social media is one of the reasons why you have succeeded. I wonder, what was your plan when you started making video content like the Bangtan Bombs?

Jin: With the Bangtan Bombs we take videos of our lives and upload them without any editing. When we shoot the videos, we try to do funny things. But we don't edit anything. Uploading videos weekly is really hard to do, so we try to keep the videos simple. But it seems that our fans really enjoy these uploads from our everyday life.

Suga: In the past, I did not like social media very much. When I started doing social media, I was afraid of the risks. But in doing it, I think that the most important thing is to show my natural self to the fans. Cool, cute and handsome looks can be seen on TV or other media, but the fans are curious about the rest. The Bangtan Bombs are closely related to our daily life and shows what's happening behind the surface. We really have befriended social media. We don't look at it like work at all. We just upload whenever we want. And the upload cycle is fast. Maybe this is why fans like our social media accounts.

Jimin: Fans say that we use social media a lot, but in fact, since we all use one account it seems like we use it more often. *laughs* This is one of the advantages of using one account all together.

Suga: If we use one account, we can be seen as a team so many more times over.

RM: These days, all of us do social media a lot. I think it is natural for us to do it, not as work but because we want to upload for our fans.

V: We have uploaded over one million posts on Twitter since our debut. So far, we have released over one hundred songs. Sometimes I look at our songs and melodies and feel regretful and ashamed. But at the time we did them, I sang them sincerely so I hope it was good enough.

Interviewer: Navya, do you have any social media?

Me: Yes, I do. I have Instagram, Twitter, TikTok, Pinterest, Tumblr, etc. I have a lot of social media. I have so many people following me on Instagram. Whenever I post a photo of me or with the other members, I get so many comments. *laughs* 

Interviewer: *laughs* Really? What kind of comments?

Me: I get so many saying “So pretty!” or “Love you!” or just emojis. *laughs*

Interviewer: What’s the most common comment you get?

Me: Um...it’s probably “You are so lucky!” or “I wish I was with them!” or “I wanna take a selfie with BTS!” *laughs*

*everyone laughs*

Interviewer: Wow, I guess you are really lucky to be living with BTS! All those fans out there are jealous of you!

Me: I guess I’m lucky, aren’t I? I’m famous all over the world! *laughs*

Interviewer: Yes, you are. So, what are the goals of each member?

Jin: I want to be happy. I do not have a huge life goal. I just wish that I can laugh and have a happy life like I do now.

Me: I want to make everyone happy. I want to laugh and have fun with everyone.

Jimin: I want to do well at what I am doing right now. I want to hear the fans say "you are doing well". My wish is that when I've grown up and look back at myself, I will be able to think I was really cool back then.

J-Hope: I want to release my mixtape. I'm ready now. I want to release it as soon as possible. It's not just a short mixtape, but on the level of a full album. After seeing RM and Suga release their mixtapes, I felt that I really wanted to make music with my own colors. I also want to study languages so that I can communicate with American and other foreign fans.

Jungkook: I want to do many things during this and next year. I want to write songs, improve my dancing and speak foreign languages well. The goal is not to be lazy, but to become a practitioner.

V: I want to add various charms and improve in more fields as an actor. I want to continue to study photography and take better pictures. As a singer, I want to become a more wonderful person as a member of BTS. I want to be someone that is doing a lot in many fields.

Suga: The final goal is that when the day comes for me to quit doing music, I want to leave when people still applaud. But I really hope that the departure will happen gradually. I've been playing music for quite some time now, but I hope I will get to do it far longer than the time I've been doing it so far. I do not know if it will be possible in reality, but I think that I want to leave music at a time when I'm still on top.

RM: Loving myself is my dream, but I don't know if I will achieve it before I die. *laughs*

Interviewer: Those are some good goals. Now I want to know: Do you guys date?

RM: We just wanna focus on our careers right now. We don’t usually have time to find that special someone. *laughs*

Me: I’ve always wondered what it’s like to date because when I was growing up, I wasn’t allowed to date. I would *laughs* always see everyone holding hands at school and I would get jealous, to be honest. *laughs* 

Interviewer: Well, you have multiple choices right here in this room, so take your pick! *laughs*

*everyone laughs*

Me: I don’t know about that. Everyone is busy with everything, so I’m gonna wait for sometime. I don’t want to stress anyone out.

Interviewer: Yeah, being an idol is hard. Okay, my next question is what’s your ideal type of girl or guy?

RM: A sexy girl who can converse with me for a long time with a nice voice, is appropriately tall, has pale skin, feminine Girl, looks good in a white T-shirt + Jeans + Red Converse High. Someone sexy, even to a brain. Someone that are thoughtful and confident.

Jin: Someone who's fun to be around. A soft-hearted girl who'd wear elegant make-up. A girl whose looks and personality is similar to that of a puppy, whose good at cooking, kind and takes good care of me. I want her to laugh at my jokes and play Mario games with me.

*everyone laughs*

Suga: A girl who has a peaceful manner, but also has a great sense of humor. I don’t laugh very much, so I think that she can make me laugh on a regular basis is very appealing to me.

J-Hope: I like a girl that wears feminine clothes but not too fancy because I think  most important thing is to wear clothes that suit your body. I like girls that are interested in books, good at not only taking care of me but also others, besides I would like to have a girl that is very supportive of me.

Jimin: I want a girl who truly loves me and gives me all the love I want. She has to be smaller than me and is caring, cute, loves sharing, and has a big heart. She has to love to cuddle, too.

V: I want a girlfriend who’s kind and compassionate. I want her to be healthy mentally. Even better if she talks nicely too. It doesn’t matter if she’s not beautiful. But everyone says let’s wait and see how my future girlfriend looks like, I’m curious too.

Jungkook: I like a girl who’s intelligent, talented, and competitive. I want her to be older than me and I want her to be a gamer girl to impress me with her talents and not be afraid to show off her strong points.

Me: I like a guy who’s sweet to my friends and gives me lots of love and cuddles. I want him to teach me how to cook something cause I don’t know how to cook a proper meal. *laughs* I want him to play Mario video games with me and make jokes to make me laugh. He has to be cute and handsome, too. 

Interviewer: Hey, that sounds like Jin! Looks like we got a match, everyone! 

*everyone laughs*

Me: I don’t think we’re ready for that yet.

Interviewer: Do the members always tease you?

Me: Oh my god, yes they do! Especially about Jin. Whenever Jin and I are together, they say stuff like “You both look like a couple’ or “You two should date since you both hang out so much.” 

Jin: Even for me, too! I always get mad at them and have to scold them!

RM: It’s true. He actually gets mad at us.

Suga: Jin always talks fast whenever he’s mad at us about something.

Me: Yeah, that happens a lot. I always crack up laughing. We all do, in fact.

Interviewer: Really? It must be very embarrassing. 

Me: Yes, it is very embarrassing. Every time they do something like this, me and Jin are like “When are they gonna stop doing this” or “How long are they gonna keep this up?”

Jin: But they keep on assuming these things about us, but we just go with it.

Interviewer: My next question for you guys is what are your favorite songs?

RM: My favorite songs are ‘Panini’ by Lil Nas X and ‘Super Rich Kids’ by Frank Ocean.

Jin: Mine is ‘Senorita’ by Camila Cabello and Shawn Mendes and the remix of “Despacito” performed by Luis Fonsi, Justin Bieber, and Daddy Yankee.

Suga: ‘Loco’ by Mustard and ‘Summer Story’ by DJ Doc.

J-Hope: I like ‘The Big Day’ by Chance The Rapper and ‘Beauty and a Beat’ by Justin Bieber and Nicki Minaj.

Jimin: My favorites are ‘Goodbye Days’ by Yui and ‘Love Song’ by Sara Bareilles.

V: My favorite songs are ‘Floor Seats’ by A$AP Ferg and ‘Blue Room’ by Chet Baker.

Jungkook: I really love one of our songs, ‘Mikrokosmos’ and I also love ‘Just Hold On’ by Steve Aoki with Louis Tomlinson.

Me: I love ‘Handclap’ by Fitz and the Tantrums and ‘War of Hormone’ by BTS. 

Interviewer: All great songs. I have another question for you guys: Have their been any embarrassing moments before?

RM: Um, I think there’s one between Navya and Jin.

Interviewer: Oh really? Can we hear about it?

Jin: Um, it’s kind of embarrassing, but I’ll tell it. So, one day, me and Suga’s dorm door wasn’t working. If we closed it, then we couldn’t get in. The person on the outside has to open it. Anyway, we both didn’t know what to do, so Suga went to call the other members to see if they could fix it. I waited in the dorm for him, but it took a while, so I called Navya to see if she could fix it. She came over and I told her what the problem was. She came in the room and guess what happened? Navya locked the door.

Interviewer: Oh no! Then what happened?

Me: I didn’t know the door would get locked. We both tried to pull the door open, but it wouldn’t open. So, we were both stuck in there for a while. Who knows how long. *laughs*

Interviewer: What did you guys do in there?

Me: We just talked and laughed. I mean, we WERE in a bedroom, so I don’t really know what happened...*smiles*

*everyone looks at me*

Me: I’m just joking. All we did was talk and laugh. Jin told me a lot of jokes. I cracked up so hard.

Jin: Yeah, I did. I have so many in mind right now.

Me: I laughed so hard that my stomach was hurting. I almost died.

*everyone laughs*

Interviewer: That does sound fun. How did you both get out?

Jin: Suga got us out. He found the members and brought them to our dorm room. Me and Navya were both relived that we got out. 

Me: The funny part was that Suga was so confused about what happened. *laughs* We both laughed and explained what happened. 

Jin: We were still laughing after that. *laughs* We also told the other members what happened.

Interviewer: Well, that was an amazing story! Did the door get fixed?

Suga: Yes, it did. It won’t lock again from the inside. I think Navya’s gonna be careful next time. *laughs*

Me: I sure will. I probably should ask one of you if I can close the door. *laughs*

Interviewer: That was an amazing story, but I thought it was an embarrassing story.

Jin: After we got the door fixed, the embarrassing things started happening. At dinner that same day, the guys kept on nagging me and Navya about what happened. They kept on asking what we did in the room while it was locked.

Me: Jin and I were so embarrassed. We both said that we both talked and laughed, but they kept on suspecting that something else happened.

Jin: Now, that I think about, I think there was something else. I can’t remember.

Me: Me neither. *remembers* Oh, I remember what it was! 

RM: What?

Me: Jin and I both fell asleep on the bed. 

Everyone: Ohhhhh!

Jin: Oh yeah, now I remember. 

Interviewer: How did you both fall asleep?

Me: I guess we were both laughing so much that we were both tired and fell asleep. 

Jimin: I knew there was something else!

V: We keep on saying it, but they just won’t admit it.

Jungkook: Admit what?

J-Hope: That they make a perfect match. 

Suga: They would make a perfect couple. Just imagine.

Jin: *embarrassed and blushing* Ah, Yoongi...

Me: *embarrassed* I seriously don’t even know how long this is gonna go.

RM: Jin’s embarrassed! His face, neck, and ears are red!

Jungkook: They are!

*members start teasing Jin by poking him*

Me: *giggles* Okay, guys. Stop teasing Jin. 

Interviewer: *laughs* Well, it might happen in the future. Who knows? Well, thank you guys for taking the time to chat with us today! I had an awesome time!

RM: Thank you! For having us! We all had a great time! 

Interviewer: *looks at the camera* ARMY, know that BTS is there for you whenever you need it and stay tuned for more awesome music!

Us: Bye! 

Me: Saranghae! Annyeong! 

Jimin: We love, ARMY!

Jin: Since I can’t blow a kiss for you in person, I’ll just do it to the camera. *blows a flying kiss to the camera*

*everyone laughs*

I hope you guys enjoyed the story! 

[ktaebwi]

Dispatch ‘Dicon’ Magazine - BTS Issue (Full Translation)

KRN - ENG © ktaebwi Do not use for commercial purpose. Credit properly when reposting & re-translating.

Download PDF: MF

“People around me are very proud of me. They tell me “BTS indeed”, “You’re BTS” a lot. All of these are thanks to ARMYs.” (V)

“I want to be someone’s pillar of support*, I want to be your eternal singer. So I can’t lose you guys. If you go further away, I’ll pull you closer. I don’t know how to do it or if it works or not, but I’ll strive to not let go of you. Again, thank you and I love you.” (Jungkook)

(*literally “big person”, “great man”)

“When I look at ARMYs supporting me from backstage, when I look at us performing on stage, when you’re happy listening to me singing, I feel the biggest happiness.” (Jimin)

“Let’s not get weary and go together for a long time. Because we won’t even after 10 or 20 years.” (Suga)

“I’ll prove it again and again. Trust and follow me.” (Suga)

“If our music can be even a little source of help in your life, your dream, then our existence is worth it. In the future, there’ll surely be pain and trials, but I know well that there are many people who believe in us and like us. So we won’t be hurt when it pains us, we won’t be sad when it upsets us, we won’t fear when it scares us. This is how BTS will be.” (RM)

“Bloom like a rose, flutter like a cherry blossom, fall like a morning glory.” (J-hope)

“Only you need to know how hard you work.” (Jin)

“I’m your fans too. A fan who silently supports the loneliness, the battles and the life you’re going through. I send you my letters written with music and notes from behind the stage and at my studio. Hope you’ll read that sound that is me missing you.” (RM)

BTS, road to the sea

“Someone says my spoon is dirty” <MIC Drop>

They weren’t dirt spoons at first. Dirt, scattered by prejudice, covered them.

(*In the spoon class theory, dirt spoon is considered the lowest class in the society)

The rapper title is a luxury to you guys <We Are Bulletproof Pt.2> You have no power, I know you must have done something shady <Two! Three!> Small company’s idols with nothing special was my second name <Sea>

Suga said, “I didn’t want to get hurt, because it means losing to prejudice. I didn’t want to be upset.” The dirt spoons’ voices were heard. Mockery started. They didn’t throw it away, they buried it deep. They then met ignorance. They didn’t spit it out, they engulfed it. Ridicule poured down. They stood up against it with blood, sweat and tears. They are BTS.

LA November 2017, AMAs. The Chainsmokers introduced the 16th performance. The second-to-last performance, right before the ending.

“We are going to announce next performer. They are international superstar. Here’s BTS, which is having huge fan over here.”

Mnet M COUNTDOWN, June 13th 2013. BTS appeared. Their debut single was ‘No More Dream’, but they could no longer dream. Reality was reality. The company’s head, Bang Shihyuk, was met with doubts. “Isn’t he a ballad composer?” The name BTS was ridiculed. “They’re going to become cannon fodders.” The company, Bighit, was taken pity on. “They will never make it with a company this small.” And their genre, hip hop, was the subject of mockery. “Idols doing hip hop? What kind of nonsense is that?” In fact, it was bitterness from the start. “I thought the sea was here but it turned out to be a desert”. The first desert they faced was the trainee days. Dicon’s first question, too, is about their trainee days.

(Dicon) Seven members came together. No, seven dreams came together.

RM: I wanted to tell people my stories, with my voice, in front of many people. This was the start of my dream.

SUGA: Billboard, AMA... None of them was on my wishlist. It was too far away. It was a goal impossible to achieve. At that time, everything I ever dreamed of was for many people to listen to my music.

JUNGKOOK: Nothing was certain. Those days were so vague. I didn’t even know how to dream. The future? I only looked forward and ran.

V: Just becoming a trainee made me so happy already. Learning was fun. I could even dance every day. I spent my days working hard. At that time, the present was more important to me than an unseen future.

JIN: My dream was to hold a concert. I wanted to become one with our fans through our songs.

JIMIN: Meeting senior singers felt amazing to me. I wanted to become like them. They were so awesome.

J-HOPE: My goals were always clear. To stand on stage, to become the best, but first, it was to survive. Trainee days were a continuous survival game. If one comes in, another drops out. I had to endure in between. But...

But the ideal was the sky and reality was the ground. It wasn’t easy, like what their song said.

I thought the sea was here but it turned out to be a desert Small company’s idols with nothing special was my second name Countless of times edited out from broadcasts Being someone’s fill-in was our dream Some people said our company was small so we wouldn’t make it <Sea>

J-HOPE: It wasn’t easy having to part ways with my fellow trainee friends. They were like my family. That reality pained me so much.

RM: There were times I felt unsure about my future. Like my life is not +, nor it is 0, it’s just −... The thought that ‘oh, we’re still preparing only’ tired me out.

JIMIN: When I saw a wall showing up in front of my eyes, it felt like no matter how much I do I still couldn’t work it out? The wall of reality was higher than I thought. But still, I had no thought of giving up.

JIN: I started learning the choreography properly in preparation for the debut. I felt distressed because it didn’t turn out the way I wanted. I kept getting scolded too.

JUNGKOOK: At that time we went through an enormous amount of practice, to the point that it was hard to handle it. But after we debuted, I felt like, like I’m a frog in the well*? I blamed myself that I was lacking too much.

V: For me, dancing was fun. No matter how hard practicing was , it’s something I like so I could endure. If anything, it was having to live away from my parents that was hard for me. I’ve been living away from them for a long time so I miss them.

SUGA: The cheapest meal they have near the company costed 6,000 won ($5.59). A 300,000 won allowance was nowhere near enough to live for a month. I took up a delivery part-time job alongside MIDI lessons. I had a car accident then. My shoulders were badly injured. I thought of giving up but... The members stopped me from leaving. The company also waited for me.

Suga also express his agony at the time through rapping.

The root of my creations has tasted the world’s sweetness and bitterness Those days trying to sleep on the bathroom floor now become memories Grabbing my shoulders crushed in a car accident during a delivery part-time job and debuted In front of whom are you all pretending you have had it hard <The Last>

They had each other. They are each other’s strength. Thus, You Never Walk Alone. Seven members walked together, encouraging each other.

RM: I remember I once said ‘Shouldn’t we at least perform at Olympic Gymnastics Stadium once before we die?”.

JIN: Namjoon’s always like that. He holds each of us and shouts out fighting. It motivates us a lot. I like laughing together with our members. It’s the reason why I could endure.

J-HOPE: The seven of us were chosen. Since then, we only looked forward and ran. We trusted and relied on each other. We shed blood and sweat together. We decided to try no matter what result comes and motivated each other.

JIMIN: The members told me. ‘I really hope you would go together with us.’ That’s the power of the words. I was able to work even harder. I already had a goal in my mind that is to go together until the end, so I didn’t give up.

V: It was hard, of course. It was inevitable. But I wasn’t the only one who had it hard. None of us didn’t have it hard. That’s why I gained strength even more. We gained strength from looking at each other.

SUGA: That’s true. The members were the reason I could make it through those days. They are the best stimulant. When the members practiced, I composed songs. It was also when I wrote the beats for ‘Tomorrow’ and ‘Agust D’ (mixtape).

JUNGKOOK: It was the day of the showcase. After coming down from stage, i felt emotional. I wasn’t the only one who felt so. We hugged each other and cried. I remember that day.

These wings sprouted from pain but they head towards the light Even if it’s hard and painful, if I can fly, I will Will you hold my hands so that I will no longer be afraid Because if you and I are together, we can smile <A Supplementary Story: You Never Walk Alone>

June 12th 2013, they stood on stage for the first time as BTS. It was the birth of BTS. On the stage they desired so much, they rapped and ranced. They could endure even the wounds.

When I rap and dance on the stage that I desired so much, I feel that I’m still alive It was worth enduring the tiring and exhausting commute Because my people are watching me It was worth enduring even when my body hurts Because the cheers are surging in <Born Singer>

RM: I couldn’t think of anything. My thoughts were full of ‘I have to do well’, ‘I have to pull this off’, ‘I have to end this’, things that we planned. Our first stage ended like that. From the name, hairstyle, even the sunglasses, everything was a standing joke. Hurt? Maybe it’s because I tried to forget it, I don’t really remember it well now.

SUGA: When the response rushed in ‘Where did those kids come from?’, I was totally excited. I wasn’t really hurt by criticism. I heard a lot of it from before debut so...

J-HOPE: I only have good memories of the debut stage too. I got to stand on the stand I wished for so much. I still can’t forget that thrill. The cheers of people who didn’t know us still show up vividly in my mind. The problem was the next day. I guess I was too excited. I made a lot of mistakes during ‘Music Bank’ rehearsal. I remember being scolded a lot...

JIMIN: I didn’t have time to think about people’s stares and reactions. I thought if I work a little bit harder, I would get a little bit better. I practiced while monitoring.

JIN: I continued to observe even during other senior singers’ stages. And one more thing is, I envied of the support from (their) fans.

V: I don’t remember much the hurt I got back then. I already forgot everything. More than anything else, I was fascinated by the fact that I appeared on TV. I remember calling my grandmother and parents to ask if they had seen the music program.

JUNGKOOK: There was a lot of hate comments. But I have to admit, because I was lacking a lot then. If anything, I clenched my teeth and practiced even more days and nights. I would come to the practice room whenever I can.

What could be their next goal? They said it was “to survive”. In reality, they had to survive.

JIN: There was a lot of groups debuting around the same time as us. We couldn’t ease ourselves yet just because we made it to the stage. There were many times we didn’t get to perform the whole song too. Every time it happened, we felt really upset. We practiced even more desperately. We thought as long as we have the talent, we wouldn’t be pushed out.

SUGA: Competition at music programs was really fierce. We wanted to keep making music, so we wanted to stand on stage.

J-HOPE: I think it’s the same for every trainee. We were really desperate. Everyday, we thought that we had to survive on this stage.

RM: We had to show ourselves in a short time. We had to draw people’s attention. We were also well aware of the fact that there’s no next time. We had no choice but to prove ourselves.

JIMIN: It felt like tapping at the ground to go up? I couldn’t see anything in front me of. It wasn’t something possible with passion only. But still, the only thing I could do was to push myself endlessly. Like ‘this is no big deal’...

V: I met and part ways with many friends in my trainee days. I had to survive from there.

JUNGKOOK: I don’t know what kind of confidence I had. ‘I will become something’, ‘We will become something.’ I was certain.

If you can’t fly, run Today we will survive If you can’t run, walk Today we will survive If you can’t walk, crawl Even if you crawl, gear up <Not Today>

Their practice room stank of sweat. Their performances were excellent. Their rap was resonant. That’s how they stood out.

JIN: We were different from the start. It’s not our strategy to stand out, we only wanted to do music. More than anything,I trusted our members and followed our company. I wasn’t afraid.

SUGA: Yes, we weren’t afraid, but people were afraid of us.

RM: I have been rapping ever since and I love music, so I believed I could deliver it better than anyone else. Looking back now, there are many times I did not but...

J-HOPE: We didn’t compare ourselves to other groups. We did our own things. It can be shocking (to other people), but I hoped that shock left as strong ‘impression’ to them.

JIMIN:  We wanted to talk about the concerns teenagers had, because they were also ours. Hip hop was the best kind of music to showcase our thoughts.

V: I believed our strength is that we’re different from others.

JUNGKOOK: At that time, my top goal was the team. I couldn’t cause trouble to them. My ultimate task was to do good at my role.

Damn hip hop pride, idol rapper? Cut that bullshit They say my nature’s still that idol shit anyway and ignore me Give their principles to the dog and mock my name You all who only know to cloud the issue and ignore How you kill me? <BTS Cypher Pt.1>

BTS fought, with themselves. Like what V has said. “It’s important that we do well. I was certain that that way, we would be recognized.” In the end, the boys were right. Prejudice went away. Of course, it. was. no. coincidence. There was a reason.

RM: It didn’t change right away. It changed little by little. I think it’s from after ‘I NEED U’.

JIN: ‘MIC Drop’. A stage that many people said to be cool.

SUGA: ‘DNA’ stage at AMAs. It changed misunderstanding to understanding.

J-HOPE: There’s a song called ‘Born Singer’. It shows ourselves and our thoughts.

JIMIN: I recommend ‘Save ME’.

V: ‘MIC Drop’.

JUNGKOOK: ‘I NEED U’, ‘Dope’.

'Dicon' picked Jungkook's solo song 'Begin'. The background of this song itself is sincerity. Producer Bang Shihyuk asked them if they had any stress. Jungkook said, "I don't. I went (to Seoul) not knowing anything when I was only 15. It's what I really wanted to do so..." And he continued. "My only stress is that the hyungs I'm living with have to go through a hard time. I don't know about everything else. It pains me the most seeing them stressed. I hope they won't have to go through a hard time." He cried. Bang Shihyuk PD cried. J-hope cried. RM cried. Jin cried. Suga cried. V, Jimin too cried. And Jungkook sobbed.

That's how 'Begin' was born. Only, it wasn't just the beginning of Jungkook. Below are answers from the older members.

RM: I can never forget how Jungkook cried and said 'My stress is that the hyungs are stressed'. Jungkook doesn't usually express his emotions so it hit me even more.

JIN: It reminds me of how Jungkook cried in front of Bang Shihyuk PD. I felt sorry but also proud of him, and he also looked cute.

SUGA: We were stressed of course. Exhausted even. So every time I listen to 'Begin', I feel odd. But if I watch Jungkook's solo performance, I only have one though that he's cool.

J-HOPE: I'm proud of Jungkook. He tells his own story through his dance and song. It's a song that shows Jungkook's energy greatly.

V: I still remember what Jungkook said while crying. That story is reflected fully in the song.

JIMIN: We gain strength even more thanks to Jungkook. It's the 'Begin' of all of us.

When I was fifteen, I had nothing The world was too big and I was too small Now I can't even imagine How I used to have no scent and empty I pray Love you my brother Thanks to my brothers, I had feelings and became me <Begin>

The dark night passed and the morning shone bright. What could be their motivation? One certain thing is, it's time to raise thumbs up.

RM: Faith. I always try to show that my faith wasn't wrong. Maybe that's why I always attempt something, because I want to prove (my faith).

SUGA: Pride. Our fans like our music and wait for our stage. I wanted to give them pride.

JIMIN: I had a goal that I want to achieve. By my side, there are the members and the fans that are always together with me.

JIN: The reason we could endure through it is thanks to our fans. They gave us love so I couldn't disappoint them.

J-HOPE: That's correct. Our fans are our biggest motivation. When I look at fans who love our music, I feel that I'm still alive. Thanks to them, we could become who we are now.

V: Thus, 'ARMY'.

JUNGKOOK: I wanted to bring them good performances and music.

In the end, every story concludes with ARMY*. It's always like that. Every conversation with them ends with ARMY. Of course, the ending of 'Dicon' should be ARMY too, shouldn't it? "If we are together, even the desert becomes the sea" was especially heartfelt.

(*literally "gi seung jeon ARMY". "gi seung jeon gyeol" (起承轉結) is a kind of writing structure, with 起 representing "the introduction", 承 "the development", 轉 "the twist", 結 "the conclusion". "Gi seung jeon ARMY" is a word play based on "gi seung jeon gyeol", meaning it ends with ARMY.)

RM: 'Can the desert become the sea?' is my endless self-doubt and self-examination that I have been holding since predebut. It was the biggest answer to that question. I couldn't help tearing up knowing their love for me.

JIN: I wonder when they prepared it to move us this deeply. I was so thankful. My tears couldn't stop.

SUGA: Lately, I'm more easily moved to tears. Perhaps it's a sense of security, or fear, or happiness, or sorrow. These complex emotions just flood in.

J-HOPE: The fans' events never fail to give me chills. I know their devotion and sincerity, so when that energy's conveyed (through the events), the synergy explodes. They moved me greatly. I'm always thankful to them and love them.

JIMIN: If I could express how I felt then in words... I would be able to write a few books. That moment made me realize 'that's right, our fans are always by our side'. I'm so happy that I keep tearing up.

V: When I read the messages the fans send, I think of the hardships I went through. Sometimes it also makes me sad, the thought that we're finally seeing the light.

JUNGKOOK: I could feel everything on that stage. ARMY's breath, voices, ARMY's cheers, tears. I'm moved greatly every time I see the fans. I made a great decision becoming BTS...

So, letters to ARMY?

RM: I'm learning about the meaning of 'us'. It's like there's no longer 'us', just the many moments of 'you' and 'me'. I want to learn about the true meaning of 'us', where we are truly together, with ARMYs. I hope each and every one of our members can mean 'us' in that sense to ARMYs. We may be living somewhere in the world, doing different things. But we are breathing together through music and performances. I want to comfort them through all the loneliness and solitude that humans can't help but embrace, and live in this world together. That's what I want to do.

JIN: Thanks to ARMY, my time at where they said to be the desert felt like I was at the sea. Thank you for making me happy. I love you.

SUGA: It feels like I’m flying so high. I see so much and so far away. I thought I would only feel happy above the clouds, but sometimes when I look down, I feel scared. I take courage from the fact that we’re flying together. I’m afraid of falling, but I’m not afraid of landing. Thank you for being with us. I’m forever grateful and love you.

J-HOPE: Thank you for always supporting and loving us. I’m happy to become your hope.

JIMIN: ARMYs. I believe you know how I feel when I look at you. I can take a step forward thanks to having you beside. I’ll work hard to show you more and give you bigger love. I love you.

V: I hope you won’t get hurt and your every day will be filled with happiness only. I really love you.

JUNGKOOK: I’ll always be here. ARMY can come to see us whenever you miss us. And you can leave whenever you have to leave, or whenever you want to. But please remember this one thing only. I’ll always be here.

Thank you, for letting me be me For letting me fly For giving me wings For folding up the me that's once wrinkled For breaking the me that once felt suffocated For waking the me that once lived in only dreams When I think of you, my sky clears up So I throw away all my sorrow Thank you, for becoming 'us' <Save ME>

To 'Dispatch', it's not the end until it wraps up. The same for 'Dicon'. This page hasn't end yet. There's no room for doubt when it comes to BTS. Like The Chainsmokers said, they're ISu. International Superstars. Should you be jealous of their success? No, failure brings experience. These spells by BTS are their encouragement dedicated to all challengers in the world.

RM: Sometimes we have to erase many things so we can fill them up again. I always chant 'do it' to myself. 'Believe in myself and just do it'. Not 'do well', but 'just do it'. It'll turn out well after.

J-HOPE: Believe in yourself and move forward. It's the first step to success.

JIN: I always chant 'I am the best' to myself. I believe in myself and support myself by thinking 'It's okay, I can do well'. You'll do well like magic.

SUGA: The world has never let us dream, nor has it ever taught us how to dream. They say it's your fault, but it's not. Don't blame yourself. It's okay to lean back when you're tired. If someone's tired, become their pillar of support. This is the reason why I started making music. I hope our music can become your little source of strength.

JIMIN: If you have a goal you really need to achieve, don't look back. Don't hesitate, give it a go first. If you have a path you want to follow, follow it. That way you won't regret.

V: You may fail, you may fall, you may despair. It's natural. Just don't give up no matter how much you fail, fall, despair. If the thought of wanting to give up crosses your mind, I hope you'd overcome it and stand up again. Even if you can't trust yourself, do it for the people that put their faith on you.

JUNGKOOK: Don't regret things in the past. First, look at the reality and think about what you can do. Arrange what you need to do in order and resolve one by one. At some point, you'll get what you wish for. We'll support you too. Don't feel tired.

Everybody say NO! There's no later Don't be trapped in someone else's dream We roll (we roll) We roll (we roll) We roll Everybody say NO! It's now or never You haven't tried anything yet <N.O>

Tomorrow, keep walking We are too young to stop Tomorrow, open the door Too many things in front of our eyes to close it Follow your dreams like breaker Even if it breaks down, oh better Follow your dreams like breaker Even if it falls apart, oh Don't turn back, never <Tomorrow>

“We stood up again. Before we knew it, we were already running. Awaiting us on that road was the dream of seven boys.”

“When ‘Begin’ was made, Jungkook told us in tears. ‘When I was a kid, I wanted to sing and dance. Seeing hyungs go through a hard time is the hardest for me.’ Hearing him say that, we all cried.” (2016)

“We weren’t tired because there were seven of us. No one stopped. Then came the debut day. Criticism flooded in before the cheers ended. It felt like dreams, passion, hard work were all powerless.”

Episode #1 “Being able to hold a concert itself is happiness.”

Who could ever guess what spectacular events were awaiting. Just one year ago, it was simple. Rap Monster shared, “Finally, we get to hold a concert at Gocheok dome. We will show you the best performance we can bring.” BTS was excited, and so was Jimin. Excited at the mere thought of standing on stage. “Being able to hold a concert itself is happiness. I’m practice to show you better performances.” Jungkook showed expectation. “I’m even more excited about this concert. We’re more relaxed compared to past tours. I think we’ll get to interact with fans through this stage. Suga was focused. “There’s a lot to pay attention to in the concert. We have to match to the smallest details. My goal is to wrap up without making any mistake.” No one could expect what grand events were waiting for them one year ago, even a year ago. They were just doing their best to complete the current tasks. And three months later, they flew to Las Vegas, where Billboard award ceremony was held.

Episode #2 "ARMY sent us here."

Billboard Music Awards. 'Top Social Artist' nominee. Their rival is pop star Justin Bieber. "They're going up against Bieber? Anyone can see Bieber would win for sure!" After all, Bieber took home trophies for this category the last 6 years.

Finally, Billboard award ceremony. "They're going up against Bieber? What about Bieber's fans?" Numerous fans surrounding the Magenta Carpet. They were shouting BTS' name. Blasted there was the song 'Fire' It was foretelling that they would win.

BTS was well aware, that the Billboard red carpet is the flower path fans laid for them. RM said, "I only think of fans of course. ARMYs made this 'Top Social Artist' award (possible) for us." Jin added in, "Yes, that's right. ARMY sent us here. We'll work harder. We'll continue to do our best in the future. Thank you." "I don't even know what surprise awaits anymore now. We made it here thanks to the support from ARMY. I wonder what is waiting for us ahead..." Yes. Like Jimin said, Billboard was the start for these international superstars.

Episode #3 “Actually, we are really nervous.”

May 21st 2017, V had a stomach ache. Finally, it was the day of BBMas. They were the first idol group to be nominated for ‘Top Social Artist’ category. At MGM Hotel in Las Vegas, Nevada, V was nowhere to be seen. He showed up a little bit later. “Sorry, I had a stomach ache so I was late.” V’s image was (somewhat) chic and cool, so it was unfamiliar seeing him shy. But it was heartwarming. We asked if he was nervous. The members all said in chorus. “Actually, we are really nervous. We just pretend to be relaxed. We’re so nervous.” 2017 Billboard Music Awards red carpet, Jungkook was clutching his handkerchief tightly.

“(After debut) What we faced was indifference, cold shoulder, ridicule. Dreams couldn’t exist in the night of the desert. The road ended. We sat down, but we didn’t give up.”

Episode #4 "Hello."

If you ask about BTS' DNA (habits), we will unhesitatingly pick 'greetings'. Formula of greetings, commandment of greetings, providence of greetings, evidence of greetings...

First, 'formula' of greetings. J-hope asks "Have you eaten yet?". A totally untrendy (?) greeting. That's why it's even more affectionate. He takes care of even the youngest staff's meals.

'Commandment' of greetings. Take a look at V. On the last shooting day for DNA jacket photo, V left early due to another schedule. He asked the manager to greet for him through Kakaotalk. "I had to leave without getting to greet you. Thank you for your hard work." (From V)

Jimin knows the 'providence' of greetings. "Our fans really like the photos (Dispatch) took." So Dispatch worked harder to take better photos. Doesn't matter if it was a white lie or not.

RM showed his concern instead of greeting. "The waiting time's getting longer. You must be feeling bored right?" Jin showed up with his game console. "Can I sit here and play games for a bit?" He added. "Shall I explain this game to you?"

Suga composes music at night. His days and nights are reversed. Sometimes, he would off and suddenly wakes up. "There was a heavy traffic jam right?" He wasn't sleep talking. It's the evidence of greetings. Jungkook adds, "It must be tough for you having to come all the way here."

“We must cross the desert to reach the sea. We walk again to find another desert. We move forward, together.”

Episode #5 “LOVE YOURSELF 承 Her”

What BTS has to surpass, is BTS. So did they outdo themselves? September 2017, a month of continuous tough schedule. More than a week of time was spent to shoot the jacket photo and music video. They put their heart into every shot. On the last day, they attempted to film an one-take shot. It would show a continuous opening starting from V to J-hope, RM. Just one misstep, one second of losing focus and it would be an NG. The movements needed to go smoothly. Again, it was the last day of shooting. They couldn’t help but feel tired. But BTS laughed, thanks to the oldest and youngest member. The older, Jin, and the younger, Jungkook, chatted and teased each other, even showing slapstick gags. Laughters rang through the tiring day. ‘LOVE YOURSELF 承 Her’. BTS made it. They set records.

Episode #6 "We had the photo of our life at LA airport."

That photo was nowhere near a life shot. It was bare taken, out-focused due to being pushed by foreign fans. But J-hope and V gave thumbs up and added it was "the best photo". We were embarrassed. Calling a lucky shot 'the best photo', it was probably their way of thanking for covering their news at LA. We know that this is their kindness. BTS' kindness. It was their heartfelt words that made us drop our weapons, take off and throw away our 'bulletproof vests'.

Episode #7 “You will watch our performance right?”

“You will watch our performance right?”... What confidence they had. An AMAs performance on top of that. We asked their order. “When is your turn?” “We don’t know too.” They replied cheerfully as if it was of no importance. AMAs director wanted BTS to have a collaboration stage. Like the one Psy had with MC Hammer, they wanted BTS to perform with famous stars. But BTS politely declined. “The seven of us are the coolest on stage.” This is BTS’ pride. They have been together for seven years. They shed blood, sweat, tears, and the fruit they bore was the AMAs stage. The DNA that is matching steps just by looking into the eyes. America went wild. They were blown away by their synchronized choreography, charmed by their live singing. This was the start of international superstars.

T/N: - The quotes are from various sources: concert ending ments, album thanks to, Twitter posts,... not from this interview itself. - Episode #8 is about records BTS set with ‘LOVE YOURSELF 承 Her’, so I didn’t translate it.

[bloodpacks-archive]

Just Like This

Word Count: 1.9K

Summary: Tom knows the reader deserves so much more than him. The reader doesn’t think so.

Warnings: Swearing? Not really anything. It’s just angst and feelin Sad

Note: I feel like I haven’t written in a while? But here u go! This was requested and is based off of Something Just Like This by Coldplay/The Chainsmokers. As said by Lilah this fic “is straight but it’s gay.” So enjoy!

There are a few things that Tom knows for certain in his life. 1. Spider-Man is the best superhero of all time 2. He loves Tessa 3. He loves Y/n L/n and lastly, 4. Y/n deserves so much better than him. It’s a harsh reality that he faces with every moment he spends with his arms wrapped around her or his fingers laced in hers. She is absolutely mesmerizing, with her laugh being his favorite song and she being his favorite work of art. It’s cliche, he knows. To have this idea of her wrapped around his mind in every moment of his being. He figures he should savor it while it lasts. After all, he doesn’t expect someone like her to stay with him. She’s bound to find someone more deserving of such perfection. Bound to find someone who will treat her like he never could. Despite what he’s been given, despite what he’s earned, he’s sure there’s someone out there with more.

He met her in a bookstore, of all places. Picking up the book for a movie he was auditioning for. He figured he should at least get to know the character a little bit. She happened to be in the same section as him. A silent smile painting her face as she read the back of a book. Her hair was messy, and she was wearing a sweatshirt and jeans, but something about her drew Tom to her. That really should have been his first warning, but he was too bold and wanted to talk to this girl too baldly to let the opportunity pass him by. And of course, by some luck of the universe, she was looking at the book he was meaning to buy. He gathered up whatever courage he could find, and talked to her. About the book, about what she was doing in London, and whether she wanted to grab some coffee with him.

And now she’s here, her heels clacking on his hardwood floor and a long royal blue dress trailing her. He’s sitting at the counter, patiently waiting for her to finish thanking her stylists. She’s still incredibly humble. Another quality that makes him much too good for her, he thinks.

She finally walks out, and Tom nearly chokes on the water he was sipping moments before. To be fair, he could hear the heels and knew how the dress looked. And of course he could hear the giggling of her stylists in the room over. But God he never gets used to how beautiful she looks. Even without being done up, even when she’s sitting on the couch with her legs laced with his and one of his shirts on. He’s never quite used to her beauty. She giggles at his reaction, a sound that he wishes he could hear every day for the rest of his life. He just knows it’s not realistic, and he scolds himself for being so utterly in love with this girl.

“Not quite my usual sweatshirt and jeans, huh?” She jokes, leaving Tom to chuckle and shake his head.

“Certainly not, but you’re perfect all the same,” He replies. She laughs again and walks over to him.

“Well, are you ready to go to the premiere?” She asks. Tom sighs before nodding and gets up. As much as he loves the premieres, right now he wants nothing more than to sit with her and watch a stupid comedy in the comfort of their apartment. However, he walks out with her anyway, preparing himself mentally for the cameras and the questions during the ride there.

He wishes he could focus on the questions or the cameras. She is much too captivating to let him do either. No, she is indescribable. Nothing he could ever say could match the way she looks while she smiles at the cameras, or laughs at the interviewers questions or remarks. She answers their questions with an eloquence that he could never match. His blushing face and startling stutters are too often noticed and- he wants her by his side for every moment of it.

He’s not sure what the interviewer says, but suddenly she’s smiling and looking up at him before saying, “Yeah, I’d say we’re pretty happy.” He smiles down at her in response, and he can practically feel the adoration radiating off of him.

“Yeah, I think so too,” Tom says back to the interviewer, who smiles half out of triumph and half out of admiration for the couple.

—————

She had told him she loved him a year ago. It was under unusual circumstances, certainly not how you imagine saying the first ‘I love you’s. He can remember the day so easily, it’s ingrained in his mind, coupled with moments like being casted as spider-man, and holding Paddy for the first time. There was some sort of odd perfection in the moment, one that can’t really be explained by words.

She was sitting on the counter, sipping coffee and wearing his sweatshirt and shorts she had slept in. Tom walked in slowly, knowing that it would be a hard morning with him leaving for filming the next day. It always was, unfortunately.

The day hadn’t started out with them yelling. It was quiet hellos and laughs with smiles and blushing. Somewhere between a laugh and a smile they had both realized that this would be their last morning together for a while. Y/n had something innocent, something about how she couldn’t believe he was already leaving again and how she wished he could stay for longer. Tom, being the dumbass he is, took it the wrong way and said that he couldn’t because of work, immediately getting defensive. Somehow, that devolved into Y/n saying that she wished that she could love him less so that him leaving would hurt less.

Tom was frozen for quite a while after that. Shocked that she loved him, shocked that she wished she could love him less. After a moment, she realized what she said and practically jumped off the counter exclaiming that she didn’t mean it and how she takes it back.

“You don’t love me?” Tom had said after a moment, trying to piece together every bit of conversation he had just witnessed.

“No, god, I love you, Tom. Of course I love you. That’s not what I meant, I-“ Tom had cut her off with a smile and only a few words.

“Well, I love you too.”

—————

He should’ve known this would happen. Really, she was too good for him. Well, he did  know this would happen. He just hadn’t expected it to be so soon. But, there he was, watching as some guy eyed her and flirted with her. He made her laugh, of course he did. Tom was sure he was much funnier than Tom could be. He didn’t even know who the guy was, much less why he was at the premiere.

Yet, there Y/n was, perfection personified, talking to a man in a plain suit and laughing with him from across the carpet. Tom walks past them, head low as he attempts to hear what the man was saying.

“Do you wanna grab coffee sometime? I can give you my number,” He says. Tom scoffs under his breath. So damn soon, he thinks.

“Oh, no. I think I'm traveling with Tom for some filming and I don’t really give my number out to strangers. Thank you, though!” And really, Tom realizes he shouldn’t have doubted her. She won’t leave him here, not yet.

“Hey, Tom! I lost you for a bit there,” She says as she comes up behind him. He looks up from his moping and smiles at her.

“Yeah, I got stopped by a reporter. How’re you enjoying the carpet?” He asks. She wraps her arms around his and walks with him, leaning her head towards his.

“Tiring. And these shoes are killing me. I’m ready to watch the movie and go home to cuddle with you,” She says, her smile wide and her eyes bright. Tom leans down and presses a kiss to her forehead before leading her into the theatre.

—————

It’s much later when they leave the premiere. The car ride home is practically silent as he rakes his head for a reason why she wouldn’t have left him by now. Something about the movie, something about watching his character get left for someone better. He wouldn’t be surprised.

It’s when they close the apartment door when the silence is broken. He’s taking off his blazer when he feels her arms slide around his waist, hugging him as her chin rests on his shoulder. He turns around and lets her hands slide up to his shoulders.

“What’s on your mind?” She asks, her voice sweet and her face riddled with concern. Tom looks over her, trying to gauge what she’s thinking.

“It’s nothing, darling. Just, go get into something more comfortable, alright? I know you’d rather be in a sweatshirt right now.” Y/n lays her head onto his shoulder, and he prides himself just a bit that she’s taking comfort in him.

“You’re right, but I’m not leaving until you tell me what’s been on your mind tonight,” She replies. Tom sighs and looks at her, the girl he’s so completely and utterly in love with that he can’t bear to let her live a life where she doesn’t get every moment of love she deserves. He tells her, because really he can’t lie to her. She always knows what’s wrong with him. Too observant for his own good and too caring to let any of it go.

“You deserve… so much better than me,” He whispers. Y/n looks up at him, eyebrows furrowed and her mouth slightly open, like she wants to say something. “I can’t love you every moment, I’m gone too much and I know you can’t be with me every step of the way. You’re amazing, and I don’t want to hold you back or make you think you have to stay here with me.”

“Tom-“

“No, Y/n. I don’t want you to argue with me here. You’re the most amazing person I’ve ever met. You deserve to have someone who can treat you like that every moment of your life. Not someone who has to leave every few months to go play pretend on a big screen,” Tom finishes his thoughts, and finally takes another look at her. She’s shaking her head, tears just dotting the corners of her eyes.

“Tom, I don’t want that. I don’t need someone who caters every moment to me or falls at my feet. I want something just like this. With you. I need you, being stubborn and arguing with me over something stupid like if Spider-Man is better than Robin. I need to hear your laugh in the other room. I want to hear you crying over something a fan sent you because it touched your heart and made you want nothing more than to keep doing what you’re doing,” She takes a breath and looks and him. He’s smiling, his hands found his way to hers at some point, and he's playing with her fingers.

“This? Being with you? Tom, that’s all I need.” He lets a breath shake out of him, it’s less of a laugh and more relief. She smiles at him, bringing her hand up to push a curl out of his face. “I love you,” She whispers. Tom lets another breath escape him, choppy and short.

“I love you too. And, just so you know. I want something just like this. Always and only with you.”

[lighthouseofthewanderess]

Music

In talking about how to relive a moment, I forgot the most obvious and influential element in my life. Music. Now, I know people have spoken a lot about it, written, and composed songs on it. So I won’t bore you with what I feel about it. I’ll just show you how I look at it. To me, Music is a person -- a constant companion in my good times and the bad. Sometimes, Music is the reason I snap out of certain phases in my life. An angel, in my mom’s words. The Magic Strings of Frankie Presto is a book that helped me grasp music better. Before that I just was in awe of it. I got another tattoo that read out the word inspire, designed in musical notes. When people see it, they ask me if I am musically inclined. I appreciate it, no I don’t play anything. I have tried the piano, the flute, choir singing, and lyric writing. That’s not a gift that I’ve been blessed with. I go about telling people that painting, writing, dancing and other forms are art all fall short in front of music. In my eyes, you have to be truly gifted to have music flow through your veins. The rest of the world can just hope to hear every random tune ever made because each one is story in itself. And the ones who hear the most and explores the most, are the richest.

Why do I say that? Because the emotion a song brings is one of the few things that money can’t fetch you. You have a voice, a string of words, and a melody -- all that you may and may not like. But when you do, it sticks with you. It comes to you when you’re riding along a busy street, when you’re facing a power cut in the shower. Or when someone has just told you something harsh and walked away. Words surface from tunes you’ve heard and you can’t help but seek refuge in it. It swallows you, holds you, rocks you calm, and puts you back on your feet. That’s why when I meet someone I’m so eager to know what kind of music they listen too. When I see a long list on iTunes, I go ‘Woah, he’s rich.’ And the quality of each tune, further adds to how I respect or distant myself from that person. I’m not talking about 150 songs that I can tap onto by listening to AT40 with Ryan. I’m talking about the ones you find when you venture out on YouTube and Spotify, exchange music on the train, and create groups to share links. Here are a couple of songs that have managed to discover, in different phases in life, for their own reasons.

Gasoline, Halsey  --  We’ve heard Halsey pair up with G-Eazy and Chainsmokers. And they’re all brilliant. But if I had to pick one favorite it would be Gasoline. It called to me because with every line, I went ‘oh that’s me’. The music, peaking and teasing to accentuate her voice. In fact my blog, The Wanderess, is inspired by her other song Hurricane, and what it captures. There’s a verse in it that goes: ‘I'm a wanderess I'm a one night stand Don't belong to no city Don't belong to no man.’ I just had to borrow from that and do my own Halsey-thing on the side. I listen to her music when I’m fixing my bike, doing things that need extra strength or when I need to work majorly on my self-esteem. No need to pay 2k for therapy, Halsey is enough for me.

Anachronism, Crywolf -- the words are just about 4 paras long. And they are hella relatable, yes. It talks of how people aren’t perfect and everyone’s ghosts are real. And the artist sends a plea to whoever loves him to accept the wrath that he brings. Speaking of wrath, the music is just so intense and overpowers the voice and lyrics. It is unpredictable and haunting at the same time. It builds up and crashes when you least expect it and suddenly comes alive when your heart has said goodbye. I listen to this when I need to zone out, and focus on one thing at a time. I cannot plug this one in and work. It screams for attention and with good reason.

Akhiyaan Nu Rehn De, Quratulain Balouch -- There’s something about not knowing the meaning of what you’re listening to. If you have the superpower of imagination like me, then you find a narrative in those lost tunes in your head. It is definitely emotive and some part of that has to do with the fact that it is vernacular. It has the drums in the back as well, a beautiful addition to the morose emotion oozing out of her strained yet confident voice. And this song is mostly catharsis for me. It is short yet intense and through the song I manage to seek out my pent-up feelings and let them go when the music ends abruptly.

Babe I’m Yours, Whilk and Misky -- I almost scrapped this song in the first few seconds because it started off-key. But then the beats fell right in and I was transported to a cowboy tavern where a drunk lover is saying all the things that one wants to hear. “But I want cream in my coffee I want springs in my steps I want gin in my tonic And I want all that I can get.” I listen to this more because I relate to the guy rather than the girl. I underestimate the power of love and just like him, I surrender once I realize. So when I need to get going on a Friday or Monday morning, here’s my jam.

Librarian, Laura Jane Scott -- Very fittingly, it opens like a story with easy beats. Mellow music and no unexpected turns. It puts you in a dream and has all the happy words weaved in, although what the artist is saying is that she wants to conquer the books she looks over. She wants to be with the fairies and the pirates instead of this normal world. So you obviously know I’m listening to this when I’m making a run from reality.

Nothing’s Gonna Hurt You, Cigarettes After Sex -- If I wasn’t a sucker for deep voices, this won’t be on my list. Purely love it because of the voice and the calming effect it has on my mood. Especially if I’m breaking down, I plug this one. It is tender and cautious, inching closer and closer to your heart to make you feel whole again. There is no clear narrative, just the aftermath of the experience. Still, Daughter -- This breaks down a beautiful yet dying relationship. Similar to ‘Dancing in a Burning Room’. I’ll just let her words do the talking: “It's spiraling down Biting words like a wolf howling Hate is spitting out each others mouths But we're still sleeping like we're lovers.” And yet when you listen to it, it’s not a sad tune. The chorus is weirdly upbeat and gives you the feeling that when you’re stuck at a fork there’s still half a chance at happiness.

Goodbye, Feder -- Vengeful is the world. It seethes in her voice and the music is suspenseful. You might hear it at a club, a remixed version but the original is good enough. The story unfolds one line at a time and whenever I hear it I can half imagine the artist sitting next to me at the bar and narrating the way her love affair went down and what she wants to tell the guy. “Then, you ran away Are you thinking of me when you f her? Does she know you were supposed to love me 'Til you die? Almost, kill me”

Land of all, Woodkid -- Again, on the list because of the voice. It is beautiful, haunting, and tragic. The composition here just has to be given special mention. When it starts you have no idea what’s coming. In terms of the music, the lyrics, or the tone. It just peaks out of nowhere.The chorus is layer and layer of chaos that builds louder into a self-revealing moment. I mean, it just makes you feel like the artist is putting all the important parts into the chorus without words and you just have to get it.

Formidable, Stromae -- This is probably a favorite because I have personal respect for Paul Haver. The voice that comes of his bony frame, his versatility, and in large a single component that occupy all his music. The bouncing beat at the back always makes you want to shake a leg and even though I don’t understand French, I am pretty sure of the vibe he’s putting out there. Mostly all his songs end on my list.

Of course, it’s was very hard to put together this list. There was a song for each phase. Ruins by Ryder through my small yet full-blown goth phase. Yamaha by Delta Spirit whenever I’m on my way home from Pune. We were in love by Ta-Ku when I’m angry with the world around me. I know some of these aren’t that rare at all, but it’s a good mix of my go to songs. I have Sweater Weather from NBHD, Olivia from Mayer, and Born to Die from Lana constantly on my favorites. Like speed dial. And that’s how music literally saves my soul some days. I hope some of this will save you too.

[aleatoryalarmalligator]

Life Story Part 58

My grandma Betty died. I was sitting in my bedroom upstairs one evening, when I heard the phone ring. There was a vent in my room so I could always hear a little bit of what was going on downstairs. I heard my father gasp, and then he seemed to be sobbing. The conversation was brief, and I already knew what it had to be. I couldn't help feeling badly for the guy. Despite the fact that he really was a terrible person to me in some respects, he lost a lot in a year's time. First, Patti – his then recently separated ex girlfriend had killed herself, and then his mother died. I think in a lot of ways my grandma kept my father emotionally grounded, and with her gone from the world, I believe my father felt very much alone – ungrounded.

I am thankful that her death was not a terribly slow or painful one. She had just begun exhibiting the signs of having cancer. She had chainsmoked her entire life since she was twenty-two. She also had a bad heart. Had she not suffered a stroke that killed her instantaneously, she might very well have suffered for a few years in a slow battle with cancer. I guess her and Gayle had gone out to eat at a Chinese restaurant that evening – their favorite, and they ate to their heart's content. Afterwards, they had gone to the movies, a sentimental corny movie most likely, where a lost young person finds their purpose in life by rescuing an animal that shows them how to be a better person and care again. The kind of movie my grandma always bought me for Christmas. She came home, listened to her favorite Celine Dion Titanic theme song, washed up, and began watching public television till she dozed off. At some point in the night while she was asleep she had the stroke, and she died almost immediately. I know this probably sounds awful for me to say, but I mean it with a sincere sense of compassion – it could have been so much worse.

The next week we traveled down to Ontario Oregon to connect with the family. It would be the last time I ever saw the extended family on my father's side. It was also at this very same time, that there was another family ordeal. Basically, my uncle Bob got caught in a sting operation for buying child pornography. I guess I failed to mention that this had happened sometime around Christmas. Looking back, I am so terribly glad I didn't end up living with him and my aunt Marty. Who knows what could have happened to me, and I remember distinctly feeling weird about my uncle, even though he technically never did anything inappropriate. He was the professional of the family, and I felt that we were supposed to look up to him – so hearing about what he was guilty of was a surprise – though I was told he was getting put in prison for tax evasion at first – not for buying pedophilia. The double secret life he was living was horrendous and disgusting and I believe I felt it off of him in very subtle ways when I had been down there to visit about a year and a half before he thankfully was caught. This little matter of feeling a strange energy off of him gave me insight that I should trust my instincts about people – particularly predatory men – but anyone. He ended up getting six years in prison – becoming an extremely talented artist – he could of course never go back into the field of education – and he is not allowed on the internet. He eventually remarried. My father keeps in touch with him, but most of the family has emotionally disconnected with him. I personally don't feel all that compelled to talk to him or visit, for very obvious reasons. You can't look at child pornography and not see clear as day the devastating reality of it all. It's staring you straight in the face. If you view that stuff to get off, you are sick.

Some of the family felt that my grandma finding out that her son had been arrested and was a sex offender was what broke her. I personally think it was just a life of smoking and eating 50's canned goods and watching soap operas. My adult cousins were down there. My aunt Gayle was a wreck. My uncle Steve and half uncle Adam were there, as well as my aunt Sylvia. We had rented a hotel. There wasn't going to be a funeral, as my grandma felt they were phony and gaudy. We all at one point went into my grandmother's apartment one last time. I thought a lot about the kindness she had shown me as a child. In a lot of ways, my grandma was a much softer person than both my parents, who were/are both far more chaotic, brutal, funnier, abusive and contradictory in nature. My grandma Betty was no survivor – she lived in fear – which is why she never learned how to drive. I remembered watching Bob Ross with her, and holding her hand and pushing on her protruding veins in her hands and wrists for fun. Even though the stuff she sent me for holidays was kind of awful – bad Christmas themed pajamas and such, she always remembered. She remembered every single person's birthday. She bought literally everyone Valentine's Day stuff, Easter, 4th of July, Halloween, and Christmas boxes – no matter how many family members she had to send them off to.

I looked for, and found this cat that always hung off the side of the couch. It was where she often kept her smokes, her TV guide, reading glasses and such. Nobody wanted them. Nobody wanted the cat things used to prevent cat toys from rolling underneath the refrigerator, so I took that too. And since nobody wanted them, I was given her entire Stephen King collection – about thirty or forty hardbacks that I took with me back to the hotel and began reading. We went out to eat somewhere – a buffet. My aunt Gayle was totally a mess. I felt kind of mean – and perhaps I was mean, but I couldn't help wondering what she had expected. Losing a parent is devastating – but there was some part of her behavior that was sensationalized and attention seeking. She was sincerely upset and lost without her mother, and I think even the attention seeking was a sign or that devastation. She obviously needed to be comforted, and I would never suggest that a person stew I their misery. But she seemed to revert back to being a child. A very loud child who wildly looked around the room for attention. She began sobbing and crying very loud in the restaurant for instance because she saw a fork – and I guess that forks now reminded  her of my grandmother's death – which seemed very put on to me. Other family members were silent for the most part. My father was seeming to hold it together okay. In a way, I almost think my father's resilience is his undoing. He can't really break when he needs to – survival simply won't allow it, and it almost seems to make him a bit crazy.

Watching all these people cope with the death of our beloved mother/grandma Betty, I worried about what it would be like when my beloved family members in the future would begin dropping off someday. It really hadn't occurred to me before – not that I wasn't aware of death. But now it seemed like a very practical reality and less of a concept. I decided to prepare myself for that day – so that I didn't react like aunt Gayle, and felt safe to consider everyone half dead already. Most of the human beings who had ever existed were already dead anyway. I know that sounds morbid, but if you remind yourself daily that the people around you are conscious meat sacks that can be squished, or malfunction at any given time, you not only prepare yourself for the day coming when it happens, but you are also appreciating the time you have with those people and how you treat them – since their mortality becomes more real to you. We have to get the most out of our connections with the people in our lives. What 'the most' is can be very subjective, but whatever is there to be gained from one another, it's an intrinsic part or our life's purpose to get it and to fully appreciate the mystery of knowing one another in the limited time and circumstances that we have.

On the way back from my Ontario, perhaps as a sign that I was very capable of being an insensitive teenager, I listened to The White Stripes very loudly in the car. Eventually my father had to tell me he couldn't emotionally take it right now, and he turned it down. I felt like a complete jerk. He had just lost his mother, and I was already just enjoying music and whathaveyou. When we got back home, we never really ended up visiting again. My father basically cut contact with Gayle. I don't know why. It didn't seem kind to me. Sure, they were never close. She could be annoying, but cutting ties with her kind of freaked me out. She hadn't done anything wrong. What's more, he still talked to our uncle Bob. He didn't talk to him for about four years granted, but he talks to him now – I don't care, except why has he decided never to speak to Gayle. I am really unclear about why that is. I have at times felt compelled to personally reach out to them, only I have been given the very strong impression over the years that they have little to no interest in who I am now that I am an adult – and the same goes for my siblings. There was always this weird sense with me that – since my mother was somehow a very obvious flawed human being that somehow she tainted the bloodline on my father's side and therefore we are of less quality.

On the last day of school, we took a trip to a strange special little exclusive resort called Boyer Beach. It was difficult to get to, and wasn't particular fancy – just a beach with some trees and buildings that weren't open for another month, since it was several miles up the Clearwater River. There was only one strange road to get to it, as there wasn't a road on that side of the river, you had to go several miles around to get to the one road that came back down. I remember sitting on the bus as it drove us down the small windy downhill path, and I began studying my feelings in a way I hadn't thought to. I felt depressed – but I chose not to blame anyone. It's instinctual when you feel pain that won't go away to want to blame someone. I recognized that I was feeling the urge to be angry at Sarah, but rather than say anything or let myself react emotionally – I just sat there and reflected on it. It felt counter intuitive, but I just did it anyway. And the more I reflected on it, the more I realized that I wasn't even angry – not really. I felt abandoned – and there might have been some reasonable justification for that – but I also understood that there was very little I could do about it. All those times I had become lathered up and convinced I was angry, I had actually just been sad. Feeling angry had made me feel like I was in control of my life and of the world around me. It made me feel justified. Really I was just a lost person. I felt disappointed and powerless – which made a lot more sense. There was nothing I could now do about the way my life was going. And as I realized this, the rage seemed to disintegrate. I felt like crying – there was a lump in my throat the entire day, but the blind anger was gone. I was calm the entire time, and Sarah and I managed to make naked people out of sand on the beach and have a good day.

Sarah and I ended up getting invited to Samantha's house that early summer soon after, which ended up being a strange night. Samantha's brother – the one who used to prank call me was there. I think Adam, Sam's boyfriend was there as well. We watched a really dumb movie called The Boy Next Door. And then everyone went out to the living room to play Super Smash Bros. It was sort of a ritual that everyone did at Sam's house – though I rarely participated and if I did I always chose Kirby. At some point in the night, either Sarah or I left a drawer open. Samantha's dad Steve came home drunk, saw that the drawer was left open, and started becoming wigged out and violent. Sam's dad was the kind of person to beat someone if lids weren't perfectly put on, if drawers and cupboards weren't completely shut. He was/is a horrible person, and it was baffling and startling to even try to imagine what it must have been like being raised by this guy. Samantha and Jake looked humiliated and nervous. Jake stood up eventually and took the blame for it – even though it had most likely not been the one who had done it. I don't remember what Steve yelled at Jake, but it was horrible and abusive, and though I couldn't see it, I heard scuffling in the kitchen of Steve trying to beat Jake up. I think Jake managed to shove his father and I remember him yelling 'I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU TRIED THIS IN FRONT OF THEM!!'. I felt badly. And I guess when I saw how things in this household, it was easier for me to understand why he had gone above and beyond to make life difficult for me at school.

Steve ended up leaving again thankfully, and we tried to play poker and pretend nothing had happened. I never got the hang of poker. From what I remember, I never had a hand I could play. So I spent the entire time trying to understand how to play without having any options.

Sarah's boyfriend Alex was coming to visit mid June for the first time, which basically meant that I only had about two weeks left to hang out with Sarah for the summer. After that, she would basically be around – but kind of not there. She wanted to spend the whole summer alone with Alex. She halfheartedly told me we would hang out sometimes, but it didn't seem very likely to me. And we both knew that after the summer she was moving to Texas. So for those two weeks, I swallowed every bit of disappointment I could swallow, and I tried to just enjoy being Sarah's friend in the moment. It was basically pointless to be angry anymore, as unfair as it all ended up for me. She had made her choice. Don't get me wrong, I was devastated, and I wanted her to understand fully that I was devastated. But my options were nil, and thinking about my own future was extremely unpleasant to me. The only thing I had to hold onto was the idea that some magical thing might become of me somehow. I didn't even know if I wanted to stay in school anymore. I didn't feel like I had any real talent. I could barely go into a grocery store without having a strong nervous reaction. How was I going to cope with being on my own?

To make matters worse, I remember Samantha asking Sarah 'What's Renee going to do without you Sarah?'. She asked it condescendingly. There was some truth to it which made it all the more frustrating – what was I going to do? But to a degree, I felt like people filled in a lot of blanks about me, and Sarah. Her meaning, behind the surface was to point out that I was weak, or that I couldn't form an opinion, and was incapable of growth – I was the helpless mooch. Sarah shrugged, and knew better than to insult me, and probably feeling guilty, wanted to hope for all the best concerning what would become of me.

My mom had somehow temporarily been able to rent the Nye's house again – the one Danny had us move out of for a few months. They were on their way to selling the place I guess, and were allowing us to stay there for the time being until someone came along. And it kind of ended up being a bit of a shitshow this time around. Germaine (remember her?), from the first house my mom moved into after the divorce was moved in there for some reason. I guess she found my mom bartending and she herself needed a place to stay and asked if she could stay at my mom's place. So, she moved into one of the rooms. She was a drunken narcissistic mess as always – I realized even more nearly a decade later what a truly annoying woman she was. And she had this strange deadbeat guy who she called her boyfriend there too. He was small, thin, had long black hair pulled into a ponytail and a beard. He looked filthy, and didn't say a word. He would sit outside at night against the house for hours. His eyes drifted strangely.

For whatever reason, Maria was homeless too, so she was staying there with her kids. I hadn't truly realized any of this, and had I, Sarah and I would not have decided to visit. The house smelled bad. What's more, my mom was on some kind of strange rage kick. She was acting aggressively towards Maria, finding any cheap thing to criticize her over. She kept making fun of Maria's suicide attempts. In old cartoons it is common for the sleeping character's soul to come out of their body in some kind of astral projection/ghost form, and run amok. I knew I couldn't just smash my mother's face in, but my ghost-self would do just that, and I envisioned angrily knocking her to the ground and forcing her to apologize. My mother can be this horrid  cruel person that you never want to see again. She wants to hurt people – Maria being the easiest person to hurt. She liked pushing Maria to a point of harming herself. And my mother also thrives with chaos. So if things are working well, she finds ways to undermine that. She was being that person completely that night. Sarah had never seen my mother like that, I don't think.

What ended up happening was that in the early evening Chantelle, Maria's two and a half year old daughter was sick with a high fever over 100 degrees and she wouldn't stop sobbing. My mom had been storming around screaming at everyone, but she set her sights on Chantelle. She dragged Chantelle by the wrists and began screaming psychotically in Chantelle's face. Of course, Chantelle was a deliriously sick two year old with a fever, and she couldn't and wouldn't stop crying. My mom then started accusing her of faking it. Maria, stepped in of course to defend her toddler, and my mom started screaming at Maria saying she should kill herself if she can't figure her life out. Maria started crying and arguing about something petty. At this point, I stepped in. I couldn't just stand there and watch my mom do her thing. Plus, Chantelle was a little child and wasn't fair game in my book. I told her to knock it off in some form or another. So she turned her total attention on me and began screaming at me – saying I had ruined her life, had prevented her from sleeping (I think she was probably hung over since Germaine was there). I wasn't quite there yet, but I had started reaching a tipping point with what I could handle of screaming and intense meaningless anger. I felt like I was either going to implode, or explode. In either case, my sudden intense feeling of frustration and rage was enough to turn off a good portion of my brain. I was afraid I would simply shove my mother to the floor and begin pounding her face – but at the same time I knew I couldn't do that. My mom almost had a twinkle of joy in her eye – as she could see she was getting an effect.

Then Germaine came out of her bedroom. She had been hung over as well, but had just started her second round of drinking. She sounded like the wicked witch of the west, and had those curling things in her hair. She came out and began screeching at me about how I was to RESPECT MY MOTHER NO MATTER WHAT!!! and that I had somehow been brainwashed by my father to try to destroy my poor mother – which was beyond absurd. I felt like she just wanted in on the action since she had always disliked me but hadn't had a good chance to get involved. The two snarling mean spirited bitches were both hollering at me, and I had to get away then and there, else I would have killed the both of them with my hands or a kitchen knife. I ran out the door crying hysterically. Sarah following me in a state of shock. This resembled absolutely nothing of what she had ever been raised in, and I think it was hard for her to fully imagine having such a wretched mother. Of course, Germaine's creepy boyfriend was hanging around outside the house, seemingly unaffected by any of the fight, and I just ran past him.

We ended up sitting in the gravel a ways from the house. By this time it was night. Sarah hugged me and said she was sorry. I explained to her in a state of misery that this was what I had to look forward to without her being around anymore. It was a true and realistic statement, and at this point my pains and woes were not theoretical anymore. The reality was, that when Sarah left, this essentially was what I could look forward to at random intervals from both my mother and father – in their own styles of course. There would be no escaping to Sarah's house anymore. There would be no good times for me. Despite the fact that Sarah and I fought, she really was a great joy of mine to have. She was my only friend, and the only person who remotely understood me. She may have been kind of self centered and empty headed, but she was endlessly patient with me – and I think she had done the best she could. For all her faults, I had troubles imagining anyone else really actually getting it. She seemed like the only person in the world that actually liked me. And of course, there wasn't an answer. I just cried until, as I talked, I said something funny, and then I laughed and somehow carried on. We ended up driving back home that night.

Three weeks later, Germaine's creepy boyfriend ended up murdering someone. Germaine dumped him a week later, and I guess he must have immediately found another woman to date, because he strangled her to death. My brother reflected recently on the fact that my mom was leaving Allison and David to be watched by this guy. David played video games with this creep alone in a house with him. A testament to my mother's observant parenting skills.

My father, all that year had dated numerous women online. He was trying to fill a void left by Patti, and maybe that void in general that exists with everyone. He even flew down to California to talk to one woman named Suzanna. The names of these women I know vaguely – they failed to make a real mark, the majority of them. They were all my father's world for a month and then they were replaced. I learned to not even think about them anymore, and online dating seemed incredibly unpleasant to me. I never hated any of these women. Most of them heard lies about me and never met me in person, and when they did they approached me with clueless friendliness masking underlying judgment. It didn't feel particularly like anyone involved was really connecting. There was probably twenty or thirty of them – and it never lasted. Tanya, the woman he dated for six months during the summer and fall of 2006, was probably one of my favorites. She was the only girlfriend of his that seemed to actually like me, or understand me even a little bit.

Tanya lived in Spokane, and my father wanted her to meet us. Part of my father's shtick – not that it was altogether inaccurate was that of the single father raising children alone. This wasn't a lie exactly - if you exclude the abuse towards me in my earlier teens and all throughout. But it was used as a corny agenda in order to show women how sensitive he really was, since many father's choose not to  be involved with their children and all that. It was all rather phony to me. He also lied about his height. To be fair, I honestly believe that he believed this stuff about himself and about our family. He had sort of erased any wrongdoing he had ever done from his own mind concerning beating me up that one time. He was able to justify and ignore just about anything regarding him expressing violence towards me. And truly, what good would it have done to try to tell these women different? Honestly, most of them were hoping he would pay a bill or two, which he often did and then they would break up with him for someone else they were talking to online. It was a very shallow world. People were afraid of being lonely – and truly – to each their own, but I can't think of anything more lonely than these brief relationships – if you want to call them that.

We first met Tanya in this sort of wannabe Hard Rock Cafe in Spokane. It was night time, the place was loud and my father was nervous. She didn't look at me with judgment and she seemed fairly together and reserved. I liked her overall. At first I was a little insulted because she compared me to Kelly Osbourne – which mostly insulted me since I thought Kelly Osbourne was a little bit campy and was a spoiled brat, but I probably shouldn't have taken it as nearly as insulting as it was not meant as such. We stayed at her place for one night. Her two sons were little hellions – and I could tell she never reprimanded them for anything. All they wanted to do was break things and pull their pants down. They screamed and tore things apart. Allison, David and I slept in her living room watching the first Narnia movie. The next day, Tanya pulled out her collection of Anne Rice novels. She gave me a few of them. She thought I would like them. I guess she had once been the goth of her high school and she wanted to be supportive of me as she felt I was a goth – though I still don't think that I actually was. I had dyed my hair dark again, and whenever I wear my natural hair color I have always been told I looked like a goth since my skin is pale and I like to wear a lot of make up sometimes.

The next day we went to this amusement park of sorts that was in the middle of Spokane near some rivers. It was sort of surreal for me being there, since I had sudden memories of having been there as a child in the early nineties, back when I guess that place had been rather busy. We got on the merry-go-round that I remember riding around when I was one and a half or two back when my parents had just gotten married and had gone up to Spokane for a shopping spree. Everyone was walking around together – me, my siblings Allison and David, Tanya, my father, but it was starting to strongly occur to me that even though people look like they are together, they really are a million miles apart in reality. Nobody was in solidarity here. We weren't a family – or at least, I was not a part of them. I wasn't apart of anyone anymore. I was beginning to feel incredibly alienated. These relationship dynamics were beginning to stick out in my mind everywhere that I went. I would see two people holding hands or kissing, and I couldn't help but notice in conversation they had nothing in common. Neither person actually knew what the other one was going through.

Tanya came to our house one more time a month later, but I wasn't around the house for very long. She might have been trying to scope out to see what my father's home was like. Because in conversation, we lived a Queen Ann style mansion (for it's time) styled home built in 1889, and considered a historical site by the state of Idaho. In reality, the house was this awkward cold place we made worse, and it had numerous issues. Going inside, it was very apparent that we weren't rich, but it might have seemed as though we were from conversations my father had on the phone. My father had this neck massaging thing. Basically, it had these two finger like things on either side of the place where you put your neck, and this machine would turn on and these things would vibrate and rotate around – an attempt to simulate a massage. I remember going downstairs at one point, and Tanya's boys were down there and in broad daylight, right in front of everyone, the were pulling down their pants trying to make the thing touch their privates – which was embarrassing for Tanya and awkward for all of us. These boys were ten and eleven years old, and I couldn't imagine doing what they were doing at that age. Anyway, Tanya eventually broke it off with him sometime after that – though I don't remember why, or how long after. Still, I always regarded her positively. She was never unkind to any of us.

My father had this new social life too. On top of buying absurd amounts of speakers and talking to random women online, he was starting to hang out with this guy named John who made Nickelback styled music in Clarkston – letting John borrow his speakers in hopes to play bass in his band. He also started working part time and semi for free for a friend of his back in the 80's named Rob who was starting a granite business that custom cut granite and other stone and installed it in people's kitchens and bathrooms. My father, as he was learning how to make granite smooth and polished, started collecting the scrap granite and making these weird granite cutting boards out of it, which he would sell cheaply to whoever wanted one. So there were granite cutting boards all over the place as well as speakers. Lastly, and more strange than anything, my conservative anti-drug father began spending a lot of time when he was in Kendrick with Billy, and other prominent drug dealing older teen guys. He was basically trying to assimilate with the druggy crowd from my high school, which was beyond strange. He started wearing his hat on backwards and talking with an attitude – particularly about women. He started drinking a lot and being out late with these guys who were thirty two plus years his junior. I felt like I had lost the plot completely.  

It would be about a week before Alex finally came to visit and Sarah would essentially be gone and I would have some new kind of life. I would look back and I couldn't believe that three and a half years ago, I had had over ten people I considered some kind of friend. Where had everybody gone?  I felt lost and depressed – but in a way I had never felt before. It felt like parts of my core personality were being stripped from me – that thoughts and words held no truth in and of themselves. They had to be sharpened like weapons and used in abstract ways. The world seemed upside down. I was losing my certainty about everything I thought that I knew. I wanted to get down to the bottom core truth of everything, but where could that be found? Was it love? Was it in art? Books? Religion or philosophy? Was the world we lived in primarily made of essence of perception, or were we living in the material? And why did I exist? Why did anything exist at all? It seemed impossible for me to know what to do next with my life. And I felt this burning sense that there was a truth that existed, and I needed to find it.

PART 57 - https://tinyurl.com/y9slhq2w

PART 56 - http://tinyurl.com/y7v9kbn2

PART 55 - http://tinyurl.com/y8fy3uew

PART 54 - http://tinyurl.com/yb8nlwvh

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PART 10 - http://tinyurl.com/yb734w24

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PART 8 - http://tinyurl.com/ybl37utq

PART 7 - http://tinyurl.com/ybvo283g

PART 6 - http://tinyurl.com/kbc9dwu

PART 5 - http://tinyurl.com/msnz4am

PART 4 - http://tinyurl.com/k9x8esg

PART 3 - http://tinyurl.com/mwp9atx

PART 2 - http://tinyurl.com/lbt6xq2

PART 1 - http://tinyurl.com/l8xbvg8

[edgytamagotchi]

( @lenoxsyed )It’s eternally one of his favourite parts of the evening, escaping the dense alcoholic atmosphere of the clubs and embracing fresh air into his lungs with a climactic exhalation. All things considered, it had been a good night, he’d drank an assortment of cocktails, coquetted with numerous men and was on his last packet of aspirin to shift as placebo molly. Lenox does well to not exclaim at the hands grabbing him, it must have been something to do with the amount of vodka in his system miraculously sedating his inner drama queen thank genuine control. “Well hello Lenox, good to see you Lenox, may I say that silk shirt looks utterly extraordinary on you Lenox,” he exaggerates his tone, correcting Jack’s behaviour with what he would have deemed a welcoming start to a conversation rather than manhandling him into a corner to ask for favours. Even if it was slightly seducing to be sought after- let’s not romanticise the computer guy again.

“Oh, but I adore it,” an elegant finger extends to prod the other’s cheek, millimetres away from the bruising but close enough that Lenox know’s it will cause Jack to recoil. It was pleasing to feel power at your fingertips. “Thing is Jack, I’m probably no more convenient than the…maybelline… concealer,” he grits his teeth together in what was a blatant distaste to referring his likeness to that of a $5 drugstore brand concealer. Come on, if he were going to be a concealer at least make it something with better pigment and a wider colour range. Fenty maybe, then again it may be coming across a little too conceited to declare himself the brainchild of Rihanna. “I can only get rid of it if I’m in the same room as you. Unless this is a formal invitation to future Blackburn gatherings and meetings to which I kindly accept, I have a couple ideas that would really blow Alma’s mind.” Except he didn’t, that was an absolute lie apart for maybe he’d tell her that a side parting would be far more flattering for her face shape and to perhaps even ditch the pearl earrings she’d obsessively been wearing lately. granny-ish, Lenox remarks within the safety of his intoxicated mind.  

“Anyway, must dash, I’m busy,” the same extended finger now bops the tip of Jack’s nose, no sense of boundaries, as if he’d cared to begin with. “Kids in Miami are way easier to sell to than the Chicago scene,” he sighs dreamily, bejewelled hands that wore a ring on every finger tapping together with delight before beaming at Jack with a brilliant smile. Of course, it was brilliant, he’d been using an illusion his entire life to make sure his pearly whites glimmered enough to make that of an LA dentist want to sob from their beauty. “You wanna know the first thing I’ll buy?” He begins to speak again immediately before Jack can even get a word in, Lenox doesn’t care if they want to hear it or not. “A pair of Gucci loafers, you know the ones, with the horse bit detailing on the front and the embroidered bees on the heel. They’re platform too, have you ever considered platform shoes, darling?” his eyes dart up and down the other man’s figure in suggestion to his height. Not that Lenox could talk, he was all illusions and no substance in every way possible from his glistening hair to a flawless complexion. Fake, fake and fake. “Before I go, you wouldn’t happen to have a lighter?”

Once again, he’s missed his mark. It’s not like Jack’s got stellar social skills, but trying to get Lenox to do something has always been exceptionally like pulling teeth. The Maybelline comment had been meant to get Lenox on his side, flash a bit of humility and hope it would be shiny enough to keep his attention, but from the grit of Lenox’s teeth it seems Jack’s only fucked it up again. Everything he seems to say to the guy gets slippery, goes sideways somehow, an all too familiar point of irritation. But it’s not like he has anywhere else to go, so he pushes on.

As usual Jack ignores Lenox’s branching tangents, trying to remain on the topic he came here for, rather than silk shirts or Rhianna. It’s far too easy to get distracted talking to Lenox; so easy to get caught on one of the threads of thought he throws out like candy, leaving Jack chasing one of his nonsense comments until fifteen minutes have passed and Jack is either storming off or pulling his own hair out over some topic he doesn’t give a shit about. At least the other man’s monologuing gives Jack a chance to wave down a waiter, gesturing for another round of shots.

When Lenox pokes the bruise under his eye, Jack jumps like he’s been burned, even though he can barely feel the contact. Normally he’d say something biting about it, but he doesn’t have time for pigtail-pulling tonight, so he barrels on as if Lenox never touched him. “Shut up about Alma,” he says, protective on reflex. “You know you’re never getting in that room. Try it and I’ll wipe you off the internet.” The ability to delete Lenox’s instagram is one of the few powers he holds above him, and he likes to remind him of it every once in a while, just to keep him on his toes. Jack can be slippery too. “And you’re not going anywhere,” he says, more confident than he actually feels. He’s learned it’s best to deal with Lenox with a firm hand, or else lose track of him completely– even though he’s fully aware the man has no reason to listen to him, or not just disappear back into the club. Fake it ‘till you make it, and all that. 

Jack passes Lenox one of the shots, tapping it with his own shot glass before throwing back the tequila. It’s a smooth, economical motion, all business, no fucking around. He doesn’t meet Lenox’s eyes again until he’s pulled out his lighter, lighting his nth cigarette of the evening before passing it over, all the while eyeing him over the smoke appraisingly. He chainsmokes when he’s nervous; hopefully, Lenox hasn’t noticed.

Jack had his doubts about the extent of Lenox’s powers, had known to not get his hopes up. The reality of the situation is still a crushing blow, mostly because it means they’re going to have to go with plan B. Jack doesn’t like plan B. “Look, Syed–” he starts, with the feeling of a man sharpening the blade on his own guillotine. He lowers his voice, serious. “How many pairs of Gucci loafers would it take for you to– punch me. In public.” God, he wants another tequila already. He’s trying to not picture the loafers. He glances over Lenox’s head at the crowded smoking area, considering. “Out here would work, actually.”

[bloo-jae]

Doe's Playlist

1. Billie Eilish - No Time To Die

"Was I stupid to love you? / Was I reckless to help? / Was it obvious to everybody else / That I'd fallen for a lie / You were never on my side"

2. Jack Stauber - Fighter

"Call me fighter / I'll mop the floor with you / Call me lover / I'll take you for a drink or two"

3. Mr. Kitty - Dream Diver

"I'm always falling apart / Always losing my mind / Losing everything when I think of you / Tell me the reason why / Tell me that I should trust you / I'm always running away / Always leaving behind / All the memories I held in my heart / I gave you everything / Now I can never trust you"

4. Mr. Kitty - Sanctum of Ash

"Time will smooth me out / Down to ash and dust / All the weight is lifted / As my memory rusts"

"Let me be the shards / Scattered through your past / I will pull you through / The fragments that kept me attached / Just let me go"

5. Kali Uchis - Dead To Me

"I don't know what you've been told / See, I am not your enemy / But if there's one thing that I know / It's that you ain't a friend to me"

"You think you got problems with me / But baby, I don't even think about you / You watch everything that I do / But what are you up to, I haven't a clue / 'Cause baby, you're dead to me / Why I can't I be dead to you / I think that we both know the truth / You're obsessed, just let me go"

6. Tally Hall - Just Apathy

"My course is run and I'm so tired / Until the next one comes inspired / I feel bad and I should / I made her sad and I knew it would / 'Cause it's one thing / Or another / I don't even know why I bother / One thing just tears her down"

7. Matt Maeson - Dancing After Death

"If I let go / Would you hold on / Would we fly / Is it safer / If we just say / That we tried / Are we laughing / At the danger / Are we dancing after death / You and I"

8. Oliver Tree - Hurt

"I'm sorry if I hurt you / I'm sorry if it got that bad / I'm sorry I can't help you / Somebody should've had your back"

"I tried but / I don't think so / Maybe it was me who was fuckin' up / I gave all / I could give but / It seems like it never really was enough"

9. Vashti Bunyan - I'd Like to Walk Around in Your Mind Someday

"I'd like to walk around in your mind someday"

"You say you just want peace and to never hurt anyone / You see the end before the beginning has even begun"

"But most of all I'd like you to be unaware / Then I'd just wander away, trailing palm leaves behind me / So you don't even know that I've been there"

10. Frozen Musical - Monster

"If I'm a monster / And it's true / There's only one thing that's left for me to do / But before I fade to white / I'll do all that I can to make things right"

11. Dirt Poor Robins - Great Vacation

"Dear Mr. Thoughtless, there's some things you shouldn't say / for the judge can hear you and it soon will be the day / Where he'll take the words you spoke and lay them at your feet / Syllables and decibels, he didn't miss a beat"

12. ieuan - Virtual Reality

"Tell me this is real / It's been hard to feel alive for a while it seems / Is this our destiny? / Virtual reality has got a hold on me"

13. Kansas - Carry On My Wayward Son

"Once I rose above the noise and confusion / Just to get a glimpse beyond the illusion / I was soaring ever higher / But I flew too high"

"Masquerading as a man with a reason / My charade is the event of the season / And if I claim to be a wise man / It surely means that I don't know"

14. Next Year's End - Faceless

"Who are you now? / What have you become?"

"I'm not the person who I wish I was / I've fallen victim to my misjudgements / A dinner for two and I feel so alone / I gave my jacket to a cold soul"

"I know myself / More than I ever have before / It's times like these / I'm free"

"Know yourself before you love someone else"

15. The Submarines - 1940

"Something's wrong when you regret / Things that haven't happened yet / But it's a glorious day when morning comes / Without the feeling of alarm"

"You couldn't sleep for the awful fright / That kept you up in bed last night / But while curious shapes shift in the dark / They vanish with the sunrise spark"

16. Cavetown - This is Home

"Get a load of this monster / He doesn't know how to communicate / His mind is in a different place / Would everybody please give him a little bit of space?"

"Get a load of this train wreck / His hair's a mess and he doesn't know who he is yet / But little do we know the stars / Welcome him with open arms"

"Time is / Slowly / Tracing his face / But strangely he feels at home in this place"

17. Oliver Tree - Alien Boy

"I fell down to Earth / From a hundred miles away and somehow / I still make it work / But it's overrated and somehow played out"

"Ten doors down but you still can't see me / I talk a lot of shit so you won't believe me / I really wouldn't say anything else / I shouldn't be standing here all by myself"

"'Cause I'm out there / Tried to tell you that I'm out here on my own"

18. Bo Burnham - From God's Perspective

"You're not going to Heaven / Why the fuck would you think I'd ever kick it with you? / None of you are going to Heaven / There's a trillion aliens cooler than you"

19. Tally Hall - Ruler of Everything

"I've been you, I know you, your facade is a scam / Y'know you're making me cry, this is the way that I am / I've been living a lie, a metaphorical scheme / Detective, undercover, brotherhood, objective, obscene"

20. The Neighbourhood - W. D. Y. W. F. M?

"Two nights ago, she got that look in her eyes / Kaleidoscope, but that's only half the time / Three days before, she told me that I don't even try / She's crazy though, I guess there's something wrong inside"

"Maybe you're right, maybe this is all that I can be / But what if it's you, and it wasn't me? / What do you want from me?"

21. The Neighbourhood - How

"How could you question God's existence / When you question God himself / Why would you ask for God's assistance / If you wouldn't take the help"

"They say the end is coming sooner / But the end's already here"

22. atlas - dissociate

"I saw a picture frame, but it turned out to be a mirror / My reflection's so much clearer when I'm not aware it's me"

"It's a long way down if you fall / And it's a long way up if you don't / And it's a long way down if you fall / And it's a long way out so / I sit in the center and I ponder my disinterest for it all"

"It's a lot easier to imagine ending things / When I'm watching myself from the third person / It's a lot easier to imagine changing things / When I'm watching myself from the third person"

23. Mindless Self Indulgence - It Gets Worse

"Hey, you, baby, you don't know / How bad it's gonna get / If you think shit sucks now / You ain't seen nothin' yet"

"Now, I'm no psychologist / I'm no doctor with no degree / But it don't take no fuckin' scientist to figure out that there is nothing in this world for me"

"You're going down the road, the same one that we have / We cannot wait to see life kick you in your ass / I shed a little tear for all of you out there / There's no way to escape, there's no way to escape"

24. Foals - Spanish Sahara

"I'm the fury in your head / I'm the fury in your bed / I'm the ghost in the back of your head"

"Now the waves, they drag you down / Carry you to broken ground / So I'll find you in the sand / Wipe you clean with dirty hands"

"So god damn this boiling space / It's the Spanish Sahara / The place that you wanna leave the horror here / Forget the horror here / Forget the horror here / Leave it all down here / It's future rust and it's future dust"

25. Raye - Bet U Wish

"I think you understand you messed up / But now how dare you even mention love / Love is the last thing that you gave to me / And don't you even think to lie, don't you even think to lie / There are no words that you could ever say / To erase the hurt you sent my way / I'm still returning from recovery / I bet you wish that you were mine, bet you wish that you were mine"

"Everything is gone / For you I have nothing, absolutely nothing / But I bet you wish, I bet you wish, I bet you wish / I bet you wish, I bet you wish, I bet you wish"

26. Mother Mother - Ghosting

"I've been ghosting / I've been ghosting along / Ghosting the world / Ghost with no home"

"I remember / I remember the days / When I'd make you / Oh so afraid"

"And this is why I have decided / To leave your house and home unhaunted / You don't need poltergeists for sidekicks"

27. OneRepublic - Everybody Loves Me

"Don't need my health, got my name and got my wealth / I stare at the sun just for kicks all by myself / I lose track of time, though I might be past my prime / But I'm feeling oh, so good"

28. SIAMÉS - Mr. Fear

"Hello, my name is Mr. Fear / I wish I had a faster therapy / I've come to mind control your needs / Tonight I'm gonna star all of your leads"

"You know, I'll never disappear / Now get me out of here / Don't trust in me, my dear / No cure is coming"

"'Cause you make me feel like I'm so alone / I know it's not real, but it's in my soul / And I just can't try to face the dark inside my head"

29. Jai Paul - BTSTU

"I know I've been gone a long time, but / I'm back and I want what is mine"

30. Absofacto - Dissolve

"Your voice like an angel / Chainsmoking all month long / Like you're someone I believe in"

"You held me, but I'm volatile / And never got my head screwed on / Now I'm melting through the floor"

"Am I only a lab rat / Someone you can test things on / Are you training for a new love?"

"All in white, like you're an angel / With the sun glimmering off your glass mask / This isn't what I signed up for"

[fishdavidson]

Dream Journal: MULTIPLE DAYS EDITION!

Last night, my excuse for not posting was that I fell asleep on the floor. This happens more often than I am proud of. However, it has also come to my attention that I missed some blogging some dreams nearly two weeks ago FOR THE SAME DAMN REASON. Luckily for you, dear readers, I have both notes for these (relatively ancient) dreams as well as a memory like a well-oiled steel trap. So tonight, you shall get four dreams for the price of one! And coincidentally, three of those dreams are school-related.

2017-05-12: Fish Davidson Acquires New Hobbies (Which Happen To Be Trivia and Murdering)

Do you ever take an introspective look at your life and wonder “How did my life turn out like this?” Those are the kind of thoughts I found myself thinking in this dream. For some reason, my life was profoundly unfulfilling in this dream. I lived alone in a dingy apartment in New York. I ate terrible food and didn’t talk to my neighbors.

My life’s goal (in the dream at least) was to appear on as many trivia shows as possible. The reason I had chosen to live in New York was simply because that’s where NPR’s trivia game show, Ask Me Another, was located. I was a repeat contestant, because I am pretty awesome at such things (real life mileage may vary).

After my most recent appearance on Ask Me Another, I went out for celebratory drinks with the other contestants. We were walking back to our respective apartments in a big group when I turned to someone and showed them my watch. “Do you know what time it is?” I asked them. “It’s murder time.” Yes, I literally said that.

This next part is really hard to describe, because it doesn’t really translate into reality very well. The end result was that I murdered every one of my fellow contestants. But I didn’t do it with a knife or a gun or anything like that. The closest thing I can think of was that I thought of the word “murder” and the meaning behind the word coalesced into an invisible force-field that I could grab with my hands. Dream logic declared that everyone was killed by the intangible sentiment carried by the word “murder,” but it looked like I just spun around in a circle with an invisible piece of lumber and everybody around me happened to drop dead.

After murdering time was over, I nonchalantly shoved all the bodies into a storm drain. You have to be nonchalant about these things, because otherwise people will notice you and start asking questions. I remember feeling pretty disappointed at my life choices at this moment and saying to myself “I should probably get a new hobby, because this one is pretty unfulfilling.”

2017-05-13: Boring School Dream Time!

This is the most disappointingly banal dream of the entire month. I went to school, sat around in a desk for a while, and did nothing notable. Although I could pad this entry out with all the pointless details I remember, your time is more valuable than that. TIME FOR THE NEXT DREAM (WHICH IS WAY BETTER THAN THIS ONE!)

2017-05-23: Research Grant Problems

Here’s another new career choice for me to pursue in dreams: grant writer for a local university. In this dream, I was one of those lovely people who attempt to woo government investors with my words and convince them to give me money to perform impractical research. I don’t remember what I was writing a grant for, but I know I wrote that funding proposal like a boss. My words were well-formulated and elegant like something written by a famous dude who wrote words for a living. Not like the words I’m writing now, which sound like they were written by a random white guy who does not write words for a living. It was only after I submitted the manuscript that I realized a terrible and irreversible mistake:

THE BIBLIOGRAPHY SECTION OF MY PRELIMINARY RESEARCH PROPOSAL WAS FORMATED IN THE APA STYLE, BUT IT NEEDED TO BE CHICAGO STYLE.

There is nothing potential government benefactors like more than being able to disqualify an application because of a technicality. I’d like to say that I put up some sort of fight and tried to claw that email back from the far reaches of the internet with my bare hands, but that would be a lie. The reality is that I just gave up and pretty much immediately made peace with my mistake. Pretend I’m imparting some sage advice about the transient nature of all things here.

You can’t miss what you never had... or something like that.

2017-05-24: Last Exam Of The Semester

Welcome to another round of Various School Dreams with Fish Davidson! In this episode, Fish Davidson plays the role of student and grown-ass adult. Because I am an adult, I am afforded the privilege of dressing myself for school. And because I am prone to fits of extreme impracticality, I did not do well at dressing myself. My clothing choices do play an important role in this dream, though, so sit tight.

I ended up wearing a long-sleeve white t-shirt with a blue t-shirt layered on top. Blue jeans were also involved, and maybe some flip-flops? That part doesn’t sound too unusual, but that’s because we haven’t gotten to the impractical part yet. I also decided to pin an entire sleeping bag to the back of my jeans that was either coiled around my legs like a weird skirt, or billowing out behind me like a cloth beaver tail depending on my mood. When asked why I chose to affix a sleeping bag to my clothing, the only answer I was able to give was this:

“SCHOOL CHAIRS MAKE MY BUTT HURT.”

That’s as good an answer as any, so my parents drive me to school (because apparently I still live at my parents house and they are just totally cool with how hopelessly weird their son is) for my last day of class before school lets out for the summer.

At this point, I am aware that I will have to take the final exam for a psychology course if I actually show up at school. The good news is that I was doing relatively well in the class, but the bad news is that I did zero studying for the exam and I spent most of my free time trying to get my sleeping bag beaver tail just right.

When I get to class, I pick up the test. It seems difficult, but not impossible. But I don’t feel like taking the test today, so I unleash my sleeping bag beaver tail and gyrate my hips all over the classroom.

“FISH DAVIDSON, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?” the teacher asks.

“WHAT IS THE NATURE OF TRUTH AND REALITY?” I scream back at the teacher. This may not have been the literal question I asked, but it was something very close to that and equally pretentious. My beaver tail is flapping about and slapping fellow students and test papers alike. People are evacuating the room due to the chaos I have caused.

The teacher demands to see me in his office, and thus we appear in a tiny office whose walls are lined with bookshelves. “Why did you even show up for class today, Fish Davidson?” the teacher asks. “You don’t even need to take the final.”

“AWESOME,” I say, and then walk out the door to his office and never look back. I AM SO GOOD AT SCHOOL, GUYS. SO GOOD.

P.S. Here’s a funny psychology class anecdote for you: when I took my intro to psychology class all those years ago, I did so well in the class that I only had to make higher than a 25% on the multiple-choice final exam. And I put my money where my GPA said my mouth could safely be, didn’t study for the test, answered the first page of the exam, and then marked ‘B’ for every answer in the hopes that the probability gods would give me enough credit from my random answers to push me over the 25% mark. My gamble paid off and I left that class with top marks.

----------

The header image is of Mitchell Royce, the chainsmoking editor from Warren Ellis’s

Transmetropolitan

comic series. He is not a good role model, but he is a damn fine editor. I dunno why, but it just seemed like I needed to have this image on this post.

[beyondthetemples-ooc]

MUSIC QUESTIONS

Found here: http://beyondthetemples-ooc.tumblr.com/post/183365664552/music-asks-these-are-actually-pretty-fucking-hard

Song names are linked to videos that play them. (The meme said “these are hard”, but I decided to make it even HARDER for some reason, and decided I wouldn’t use two selections from the same band! Which made this take me literally two hours, but it was Fun. I like a good musical challenge~ So anyways.)

1:A song you like with a color in the title Blue Eyes - Within Temptation

2:A song you like with a number in the title Fixed At Zero - VersaEmerge

3:A song that reminds you of summertime Elvenpath - Nightwish this might be for Spiritual Reasons, heh. “In the sheltering shade of the forest, calling, calming silence. Accompanied only by the full moon, and the howling of the night wolf, and the path under my bare feet... The elven path.” 

5:A song that needs to be played LOUD Reality Fringe - Alex Dalliance / Vulture Culture “By right, I’m STILL ALIVE! Bad blood, I WILL SURVIVE! By truth, my eyes can SEE! The broken EDGE of REALITY!”

6:A song that makes you want to dance damnit, i already used Alex Dalliance, Nightwish, AND Xandria! How about..... ~*Diamond Shuffle - Next Level*~ (we dance HARD to this at the org functions sometimes, and i absolutely LOVE IT.) Based on the Cupid Shuffle! "To the right, to the right, to the right, to the right! To the left, to the left, to the left, to the left. Now kick, now kick, now kick, now kick. Now put your diamonds up, now put your diamonds up. Do the diamond shuffle.... We’re going Diamond, D-I-A-M-O-N-D! We’re the BEST, you can bet! Not another, can’t be beat! Do your diamond dance, diamond dance"~

7:A song to drive to ( (( ??? I don't drive, so I wouldn't know. Whatever I'm in the mood for, though. )) )

8:A song about drugs or alcohol Someday - Crossfade "Can't put this bottle down as Iiiii, watch this day fade into night...."

9:A song that makes you happy Samhain - Magica [Lyrics: x] that took Depressingly long to figure out. geez But: any time I listen to that piano? My spirit absolutely SOARS.

10:A song that makes you sad oh, that's too many. hold on; I need a minute... particularly because i don't want to Repeat Bands on this, for some reason. How about one that almost always Draws Tears? Stressed Out - Twenty One Pilots “I was told when I get older all my fears would shrink, but now I’m insecure and I care what people think...Wish we could turn back time, to the good old days. When our mama sang us to sleep, but now we’re stressed out...Used to dream of outer space, but now they’re laughing at our face, saying ‘Wake up, you need to make money!’ ”

11:A song that you never get tired of Believer - Imagine Dragons “I’m fired up, and tired of the way that things have been, oh!...Don’t you tell me what to think that I can be. I’m the one at the sail, I’m the master of my sea...Seeing the beauty, though the... PAIN! You make me a, you make me a believer...All the hate that you’ve heard has turned your spirit to a dove, oh, your spirit up above...”

12:A song from your preteen years Tokyo Nights - Puffy AmiYumi (Always one of my favorites by them.~) “Utaru, Tokyo Nights! Anno kutokete, Tokyo nights! Yoru ni hohoemu. I’m in love, I’m in love, I’m in love...~”

13:One of your favorite 80’s songs Have I talked about ~Under Pressure~ enough yet? “It’s the terror of knowing what this world is about. Watching some good friends screaming, Let me out!...Keep coming up with love, but it’s so slashed and torn! Why? Can’t we give ourselves one more chance? Why can’t we give love one more chance?...'Cause love's such an old fashioned word, and love dares you to care for, the people on the edge of, the night, and, love dares you to, change our way of caring about ourselves...”

14:A song that you would love played at your wedding {{ N/A - I don't want to be married. ^^'; Handfasted, maybe. But none, really. Also, if I did, I'd want to pick our music Together. }}

15:A song that is a cover by another artist Supremacy - Tarja (Muse cover) “Wake to see, your true emancipation is a fantasy. Policies have risen up and overcome the brave. Greatness dies, unsung and lost, invisible to history...You don't have long; I am on to you. The time, it has come, to destroy: Your suuu-premacyyyyy!”

16:One of your favorite classical songs Greensleeves - (???) (I know it's not "baroque", but it's certainly a bit of a classic.)

17:A song that would sing a duet with on karaoke Broken - Seether ft. Amy Lee “The worst is over now, and we can breathe again. I wanna hold you high, and steal my pain, away. There’s so much left to learn, and no one left to fight! I wanna hold you high and steal your pain...”

18:A song from the year that you were born Addams Family (WHOOMP!) - Tag Team

19:A song that makes you think about life We Are the Others - Delain "As simple as air in your lungs, as simple as words on your lips: No one could take it away, no one should argue this! Now with our heads up high, we’ll carry on, and carry out: That we won’t let them, GET us down, or WEAR us out! Cuz we are not alone. We are the others, we are the cast-outs! We’re the outsiders, but you can’t hide us...If you feel mistreated, torn and cheated: You are not alone! We are the others. Normal is not the norm. It’s just a uniform. Forget about the norm, take off your uniform. We are all beautiful!”

20:A song that has many meanings to you The Worlds Forgotten, The Words Forbidden - Sonata Arctica Every. Single. Aspect. of the Nexus has feels in this song! “What is a man to do? No light, only suffocating dark. Deep, burning pain. I’m losing everything I am, remember nothing of my past. Now it’s all gone, and I fear the game is over. Save me...This isn’t my home. I follow moon to find a path away from the scorching sun, I follow the stars to my abode...I seize the moment to hear a story no one’s telling anymore. The worlds forgotten, the words forbidden.”

21:A favorite song with a person’s name in the title Song For Jolee - Kamelot (I have no idea what the Other Jolene Song everyone talks about is, but ^this^ is the one I think of whenever someone says "Jolene", and it catches me off guard Every Time I Remember, "that's not the same song, they mean the Fabled Meme one, right. Right..." I heard it's a country song though, and look, that's not my style, so I don't care to be informed. The contrast+realization is kinda amusing, anyways. 8FF)

22:A song that moves you forward Higher - Edenbridge “Time and tide wait for no man ever, and your eyes are agleam, like you’re in a dream, getting out from under. Give a little try, give a little more try! Never fall in line, for a fleeting moment! Be and end all, I am aiming HIGH. Reach a little higher!...Lay it on the line, and run the mile. Reach a little HIGHER!”

23:A song that you think everybody should listen to ????? (I make recommendations based on personal taste; I can't Generalize like that! ;; )

24:A song by a band you wish were still together The Black Parade - My Chemical Romance (Y’all should know how this goes. And if you don’t: can I make THIS my recommendation? Besides being Iconic of my “emo” generation, it’s legitimately a great musical composition with dramatic buildup and a seriously empowering message.)

25:A song by an artist no longer living Hands Held High - Linkin Park

26:A song that makes you want to fall in love (All over again, you mean?) Something Just Like This - The Chainsmokers & Coldplay “I’m not looking for somebody with some superhuman gifts; some superhero, some fairy tale bliss. Just something I can turn to, somebody I can kiss. I want something just like this. Oh, I want something just like this!”~

27:A song that breaks your heart Wanderer's Lullaby - Adriana Figueroa “Do you know, just, how much you’re worth?...You are the dawn of a new day that’s waking, a masterpiece still in the making, the blue in an ocean of gray. You are: right where you need to be, poised to inspire and to succeed! You’ll look back, and you’ll realize one day. In your eyes there is doubt, as you try to figure it out... Though the world may try to define you, it can’t take the light that’s inside you! So don’t you dare try to hide, let yours fade away...” (It’s... for someone very particular that this song breaks my heart all over again. Ugh, I could quote this whole song for her. When I’m in a very specific shift? This song absolutely DESTROYS me. And even when I’m not? It’s an absolutely gorgeous and reassuring song, but... you know. Depressed Brain likes to say “that isn’t true at all”, and I’m likely to tear up anyways.)

28:A song by an artist with a voice that you love Tides of Time - Epica (Simone Simons... ~<333 She sounds every bit as amazing LIVE as she does on the albums! But this VERSE... actually strike that, this entire SONG is so gorgeously rendered.)

29:A song that you remember from your childhood Bring Me to Life - Evanescence (The Song that Started It All. Ordinarily I would link to the Bliss Mix, or the SiriusXM performance. Hell, a demo! You know, the version they actually WANTED to make, without the production misogyny. But this WAS, after all, the version from my childhood. =w=;; I’m not even gonna do lyrics, you all know how it goes.)

30:A song that reminds you of yourself (oh my stars, there are SO many... I can say “Every song I’ve linked to so far”, honestly.) I told myself I wouldn't repeat bands, so I had to do some digging for this one, since I already used all of my Favorites.... Wait, DUH. The song that's named after the very same word I named my Entire Identity and Life Experience after: The Nexus - Amaranth “I hide, empower our remedy. Step up, get your game on, get your fight back, never BACK DOWN!...I have the will inside my mind. There is a voice I can’t deny! Break, with the PAST. Set the nexus free at least! As the future will be there to save us. Trapped, in my SKIN, see the nexus in my dreams. But will you bury me within?...And as the darkness reveals, I see no reason for me to reach for the cure. I’m my own demon. I kept the secrets in my mind, there is a voice I can’t DENY!...Face it down, I’m the spine in the flame. Just let it out of me, break it out of the core - to help me, BREATHE...”

Actually, okay, it’s the whole song. It’s kind of perfect.~

[nacsygen]

i suppose i’ve lost most of my kpop/svtn followers since my account getting deleted after five years for no good goddamn reason and no response when i put in support tickets (thanks, tungles).  “suppose”, hell, i know - went from over 2,000 followers to like, 19, and most of them my previous mutuals i intentionally reached out to.  so that kinda sucks. HOWEVER! it also means i can be freely unpops with my opinions without dreading what might happen every time i see i have a message in my inbox, so i’m not *completely* mad about it. (and at that i probably still only have like three mutuals who are svtn fans, so.)

the following is just gonna be me discoursing about svtn’s last few comebacks and how they lost me. (unexpected makeout dreams with dk not included bc, like, have you *seen* that man??) so like, three of my followers might be interested.

what drew me in the first place to svtn was their authenticity.  like this was a large group of incredibly talented, creative individuals, hungry kids desperate to sing themselves to the world, and they were justifiably immediately, almost shockingly successful based on their own merits and voice, despite being managed by a legendarily terrible company - a company that prospered under their initial success.

they were self-producing.  they had entirely their own sound. jihoon is an absolute prodigy of a song-writer and producer, with the help of kye bum zu (who also helped launch the career of fellow prodigy z*co, which is a topic for another time).  they had their own sound, their own identity, and their creations came directly from the heart.  

like yeah, adore u, mansae, pretty u, aju nice - they were all innocent boyish love songs, but at the same time, they felt like they were coming from a very genuine place - the same genuine prodigy young songwriter that also brought us Simple and 20.  while being in basically the same genre as a lot of american hits of the time (and just true pop music of the last 20 years in general), they still had their own particular style, their own particular sound that you could be like, yeah, this is absolutely a svtn song.  the album tracks, unit songs and mixed unit songs were amazing, exploring various members’ creativity as songwriters and their ranges as performers. (i’m still not mad at most of the album tracks, though they become increasingly unremarkable over time.) i just think that it’s a combination of being strapped for time to make really compelling music given their absolutely punishing schedule, and also studio pressure to make “all 13 of us are your boyfriend” style songs a la the most manipulative boy band style of oneD in, like, 2011, culminating in Oh My.  which at least was fun to listen to and catchy, but the lyrics were absolutely creatively bankrupt. which is a goddamn shame, because so many of svtn’s members have *proven* themselves to be amazing songwriters, from jihoon on Simple and most of svtn’s sincere discography (he holds like 70 copyrights at this point?), to the absolute masterpiece courtesy of minghao and jun that is My I, to at least five other great writers in the group, highlighting wonwoo and dino and seungcheol, who are capable of writing and performing just absolutely arresting lyrics. it just feels like the company’s stepped in and been like “no more creative advancement or remotely avant-garde experiments, we only do shit-that-sells boyband songs now” and it feels like a giant step backward for a group that was always about growing forward and growing up together before.

and while there’s controversy about whether svtn ripped off the chainsmokers’ “closer” for “don’t wanna cry” the fact is that was just the sound of the year, and both groups were cynically taking advantage of it - the chainsmokers probably more (and god, i hate them, that song is so goddamn focus-grouped-relatable written-by-committee cynically corporate, i HATE it). but to my mind, don’t wanna cry at least does have some basic in reality for the people who wrote it and performed it, and while it’s different from their first year and a half or so of music, i can’t be mad at it.  it’s complex, it utilizes each person in it’s varying sections to best suit their ranges and vocal strengths, there’s depths to it, despite moving away from svtn’s “boyish young love” style, and it’s catchy.  it’s a damn good pop song.

that could be argued to be the first step away of svtn getting more corporately-influenced.  but i still like it, after some time.  i don’t think it was “the beginning of the end” just because it was different.  it still was written with an ear to use every member’s individual voice and vocal strengths to their strengths, as an individual instrument.

i could go over more in-depth about thanks (which i do like) and the overall direction since then but like.  this latest song...it’s not good.  it’s not good, it’s not compelling, it’s not interesting, it’s not catchy, and least of all, it’s not svtn.  svtn was always a band that highlighted the sheer range they had, between wonwoo and seungcheol’s and mingyu’s lowest, roughest bass and seungkwan and dk and jihoon’s highest and most pure notes. there’s not a single performer in seventeen that can’t sing, and yet autotune was used for mingyu and seungcheol (both of whom are lovely singers within their low range, which this was) apparently as a style choice?? within the first 20 seconds.  which is, to me, immediately repellent. and then vernon, objectively the worst singer in the band (i know he likes to sing and i’m not mad at him but fight me on this) continues on with exactly the same droning note, not autotuned. then it cuts to dino and josh and like two other people all droning on the same note extremely uninteresting lyrics, all on the same note like five notes above the intro.  one stops singing and the other starts singing on the same note. it’s very not individual (as svtn was SPOSED TO BE) and very monotonous. i will say that a more direct reading of the lyrics while listening (and again, this song is painfully not catchy) seems to be pretty directly about losing one’s virginity. which i guess could be a step forward. but yes, while i know sex is about repeating patterns until it’s done, this is STILL too monotonous for me, and not sexy.

[theletterunread]

The Best of the Best

I was commissioned to write this piece several months ago, but I so badly missed the magazine’s wishes for this profile that it was never published. The editors didn’t even bother to write back when I sent it in. I knew it didn't work when I finished it and only submitted it because I deserved to be seen being bad. Which is the same reason I’m now printing it here: after what’s happened to Leah, I feel like I need to be shamed on a public scale.

“I’ve had plenty of time to catch up on reality TV,” says Leah. On screen, a redheaded woman is throwing a sheaf of papers at a younger man and screaming, “You’re a user, Mohamed! You used me!”

“It’s about marriages and engagements between Americans and their foreign partners,” Leah explains. “There are some couples who really love each other, and others, there’s some kind of fraud or attempted fraud happening…either the American is looking for, basically, a mail-order spouse. Or the other person is planning to ditch as soon as they get a green card.” We watch the redheaded woman read her husband a list of his sins (“You have not been an active partner or spouse to me since we’ve been married”) while Mohamed gives the quintessential thousand-yard stare.

“This is the best couple,” says Leah, “because this guy thought he could do a quick marriage to this woman and leave smoothly once he got his green card…he had some idea in his head that this would be a small con to help himself get set up in the US. But Danielle will not let him go. Even now that they’re separated and living in different states, she won’t relinquish his life. She keeps calling him and stalking his Facebook and harassing anybody she sees him talking to online. So every close-up of Mohamed, you can see his terrible comprehension that he doomed himself to an eternity of…this.”

Leah Craig has time to devote to 90 Day Fiancé because she is under house arrest, far from where she had expected she would be this spring. Six months ago, she was handling millions of dollars, with the promise of a substantial cut going to her. She was a head organizer for the 4Most Festival, a promised weekend of elite entertainment and networking in Antigua. Ticket holders were promised a chance to mingle with leaders (or, in the brochure’s parlance, “influencers”) in the financial, business, entertainment, and fashion industries, enjoy performances by The Chainsmokers, and “partake in unparalleled culinary experiences.”

In the end, The Chainsmokers cancelled their performance the day before, the only food available was chili from dehydrated packets, and the guests who dared come out of their disaster tents into the inclement weather learned that the most prominent influencer at the festival was Ron Burnell, the founder of the internet’s 350th most visited video streaming website, TheBestFreakingVideos.com. “He kept bragging about the time the co-founder of YouTube retweeted him,” Leah tells me. “That one anecdote was the backbone of all his speeches.”

News of the festival’s disastrous rollout blew up online, with most people delighted that obnoxious youths who could afford to spend $12,000 to $100,000 on a ticket were suffering. But rich kids don’t need sympathy, because they can afford justice. Not only have there been six class action suits filed, but the US Attorney for the Central District of California has brought charges of wire fraud against the organizers of the festival. And due to a battlefield promotion, Leah falls under that category.

“I don’t think that we would have been charged with wire fraud if the kids who bought the tickets hadn’t been so wealthy. Their parents all know the judges and prosecutors. They’re well-connected, it’s a big lovefest, of course they’re going to get justice.” Leah speaks authoritatively, yet academically, without any apparent acknowledgement that “justice” in this case could lead to her spending ten years in jail.

“Of course, if I hadn’t been an attorney myself, the judge probably would have set the terms of my release much higher. Maybe impossibly higher. So it all balances out. House arrest isn’t so bad, compared to what they could have slapped me with. It just gets a little boring up here. Which I guess is why I was so happy to invite you over.” (I’m the first person not involved with the lawsuits whom Leah has talked to since the festival fell apart.) “I figured I won’t have to be embarrassed in front of you. Remember when we all went to that citywide freshman mixer ten years ago? And we pregamed and I fell down the front steps of the Met in front of every 18-year-old in the city? You’ve seen that, so what’s a little house arrest?”

(Full disclosure: Leah and I met ten years ago as freshmen in college. We weren’t friends exactly, but for four years, we ran in the same group of Friday night club-crawlers. We kept up to date on the broad contours of each other’s lives, and even slept together periodically, on some nights when neither of us paired up with anybody else. She left for Berkeley immediately after graduation and we didn’t see or speak to each other until I asked to come to L.A. to interview her.)

“I would have picked you up from the airport,” says Leah, when I come trembling out of my rental car into her house (neither the freeways from LAX nor the blind turns of the hilly roads up to her place suited me), “but I’m not allowed to leave here without accompaniment.” She shows me her pantries. “See, I have to stock up on canned goods and non-perishables because I never know when I’m going to get to the grocery store again. So I hope you like dried figs, because that’s what you’re getting for a snack.”

She walks me into her living room and after 90 Day Fiancé breaks for commercial, I turn on my recorder and ask her to explain to me how she got from New York and the future limitless to the Hollywood Hills and federal charges.

Leah points to the TV, at a battery commercial. “One second. Did you know that the Energizer Bunny is actually a parody of the Duracell Bunny? Most people don’t know that, but originally, Duracell had a bunny mascot, and this was meant to show it up: Duracell runs down, but Energizer keeps going and going. But it was so successful that it took on its own life. It’s like Weird Al recording ‘White and Nerdy.’ That stuck with people way more than ‘Ridin’’ did.”

I offer to take her Weird Al reference off the record. “No, leave it on,” she says. “That’s not even what I wanted to get to. So the Energizer Bunny is dominating the airwaves, Duracell stops using its bunny. But sales of Duracell still go up. Because people still associate any bunny with Duracell batteries. Isn’t it weird how things work out?”

Her point is that life is unpredictable, which leads her into the autobiography I’d asked for in the first place. “I moved to Berkeley, turned off my brain, and sleepwalked through law school. Honestly, I can’t remember a single moment from those three years. Except feeling an awful itchiness about the Bay Area. It’s so soft up there. I’m sure it’s fine for some people…if you’re happy to spend your life wearing cozy sweaters and drinking lukewarm cocoa. But I’m much more comfortable among the rats and the filth and garbage, so as soon as I graduated, I came down to L.A. Got a job as the lowliest associate at this dumb, nothing civil practice law firm. I was expected to take the bar and move up, but I just couldn’t. I was at entry level for a few years. My whole life was Bates stamping document productions. What about you?”

It takes me a moment to realize she’s asking for my biography. I stop recording.

“Wait, wait, leave it on. My life is on the record, but yours isn’t?” I remind her that she’s the one charged with a federal offense. “It’s not my fault you have a boring life.”

“Okay,” I say. “After graduation, I started freelancing.”

“Did you have a day job?”

“For a year or so, yeah. At a physical therapy office. Until I started making enough money writing. I had a few things published in little pop-up internet magazines, and then I parlayed that into…”

“Staff writing?”

“No, but into regularly publishing things in more enduring internet magazines. And eventually real magazines.”

“Anything you’re especially proud of?” I take a moment to respond and she says, “Yeah, go ahead. Be falsely modest.”

“I wrote a novel.”

“Published?”

“No.”

“You wrote a novel…let me guess…The Great Gatsby from the mechanic’s perspective? Or a physical therapist who sees an illuminating cross-section of the world pass through his office? Oh, I’m sorry. I’m not making fun of you.”

I tell her I’m not angry, but that I think she’s attempting to dodge my questions. An insouciance has marked Leah during her entire legal ordeal. Her co-defendants turned on her in their initial statements, accusing her of being flippant towards their legal predicament, and therefore probably flippant towards the suffering of their ticket-holders.

“No dodging. I’m just trying to be friendly,” she says, defensively. “I like hearing what you’ve been up to…freelancing…so maybe you have a better ability to handle being out of work. But when I was fired…oh, and I don’t think it was anything personal. The firm was contracting and there wasn’t anything I did that couldn’t be absorbed by another attorney. So I started looking for other firms, but my heart wasn’t in it. And even if I could have dragged myself to apply, I didn’t want to get turned down. Have you ever been rejected from something you didn’t even want to begin with?”

Leah leans back in her chair and closes her eyes. I start to ask another question, but she cuts me off. “No, no, I’m still with it. I just needed a second. So: out of work, feeling depressed about…I started going out drinking. Like we do. Hey, remember that time at the 12th Avenue Pub?” She sits up. “We told those guys from Long Island that I was an exchange student from London? And we got them to pay for our drinks by saying I was only carrying pound notes? I don’t even know if they call them ‘pounds’ in England anymore.”

Leah still talks about that con with pride. “I got so drunk I stopped using an accent, and even then they didn’t catch on. I told them I knew one of the Spice Girls.” I ask her if she’s always enjoyed fooling people. She sinks back in her chair.

“No, I don’t enjoy fooling people. It’s just a story I thought you might like to remember. Well, anyway…I was out at a bar when Adam came up, and we started talking, and, uh…he goes right into talking about how he’s planning this festival, and I tell him that I’m an out-of-work attorney…” I interrupt to ask if she really volunteered that information so quickly. “It was the truth. Why wouldn’t I tell him? Oh, because I enjoy fooling people?”

Adam Foley, the son of a Silicon Valley power couple was five months out of Harvard with $1,000,000 in graduation money burning a hole in his pocket. His father presented him with list of aspiring start-ups he could invest in and shepherd to success, but Foley wanted to use his money for a project entirely his own. “I didn’t want to just fuel somebody else’s creativity: I wanted to be the fuel of creativity,” he has explained in a deposition that doubles as one of the all-time great megalomaniacal monologues in human history. (Foley declined to comment for this article.) He hit upon the idea of organizing and hosting the music festival to end all music festivals: rarified and extravagant, and with a heavy emphasis on networking, an activity that only the very wealthy seem to consider pleasurable.

But in his own words, he was a big picture guy, not the right person to bother with a million little details. (That he was assembling a staff by going to bars suggests that he was not even the right person to bother with any single detail.) Leah was the last person to be hired for his staff of five.

“He wasn’t looking for a lawyer, per se. Just for a grown-up. Somebody to oversee the project. There hadn’t been any…” Any planning? Any organization? “Any sense at all. They hadn’t kept a record of the ticket-holders’ info. Instead, they had just put up a big map of the US with pins where the buyers lived. So I had to retroscript the whole thing. I did such a good job with that that the week before the festival, when things started going awry…I got promoted to Head of Client Satisfaction Services – I mean, what a title! – which meant that I was authorized to make decisions by myself.”

And which meant that she was on the hook when the lawsuits came. “That was going to happen anyway,” she says, waving her hands. “They needed multiple defendants. It makes it harder for Adam to plead ignorance if this was a team effort. Looks more like conspiracy. And they’re hoping one of us will flip on another. I would have done the same thing if I was a lawyer on the other side.”

Leah is very equanimous about the whole situation, refusing to speak ill of the prosecutors, the ticket-holders, or her co-defendants. You can imagine her being advised to this by her attorney, but she doesn’t have one. This is entirely her decision.

Does she feel like she was set up by Adam as his fall guy? “No, that suggests a kind of conspiratorial thinking that isn’t him.” Does she think the prosecutor is taking them on because they’re easy villains? “Prosecutors aren’t in the business of wasting resources. Of course they’re going to pursue cases they think they can win.” What about the kids who bought the tickets? Does she really have sympathy for the entitled children of the 1%? “Look, this isn’t a festival I would have gone to. And, no, these aren’t people I would probably choose to be friends with. But I don’t see any problem with them paying whatever they can afford for the chance to travel and meet some people they think they’d like to meet. And if I paid a lot of money for a concert and accommodations that fell through, I’d be upset too.”

If she doesn’t feel angry at anyone else, does she feel guilty? “Of course. All the time. About this and about a million other things. I let the mess of my life spill into other people’s. I hurt people. And yes, they were rich assholes who ‘deserved’ to get hurt…but they didn’t deserve to get hurt by me.” Meaning what? “Meaning I’m not righteous enough to be doling out punishments.”

Because of the million other things? “I know we haven’t seen each other in six years,” she says, “but even on the basis of what you saw when we were in school, I owe a lot of people a lot of apologies. I haven’t got any better since then. Don’t you feel guilty?”

I’m jotting down a note, so I don’t answer. She repeats herself. “Do you ever feel guilty?”

“About what?”

“Unless you became a saint in the last six years…I’ve seen you lie to people, and steal their coke, and…remember when you threw up in the cab?”

It was senior year. I was in a cab from the Upper East Side to the East Village. Only five minutes into the ride, I threw up. And not just straight down, into a neat puddle: onto the cushions, the seat back, the ashtrays and cup holders…I told the driver to pull up to an ATM, where I could get cash to pay the damages. But instead, I hopped out of the cab, rounded the corner, and rushed down into a subway station to ride the trains home.

“I don’t feel guilty, no,” I explain. “I wouldn’t encourage anyone to throw up in a cab, but it was part of the process. The same way I didn’t like the headaches or having to drag myself back from some unknown neighborhood the next morning, but I wouldn’t give them up. I liked going out and getting drunk, I liked having sex with strangers, I liked stealing coke from…other drunk kids. If they could afford to buy their own coke, they could afford to lose it.”

“Yeah, but you weren’t Robin Hood. You weren’t giving bumps to the poor. You were just snorting it yourself. And you’re still smiling about it!”

“Everyone needs a reckless youth.”

“Needs?” asks Leah.

“What’s the alternative? You don’t have any fun and you wind up bitter and regretful and angry at young people for the rest of your life.”

Leah doesn’t reply for a moment, then says that’s she’s forgotten my original question, and I admit I have too. We decide to go get lunch. “Let’s go to the store, as long as you’re here,” suggests Leah. “I don’t know the next time I’ll be able to leave.”

Leah guides me down the mountain and tells me again how house arrest has changed her diet. “I’m on all non-perishables. Frozen fruit, frozen vegetables, dried…everything. Lots of soup cans. I’m like Ted Cruz. Except I’m not going to get away with it all.”

I joke that at least she’s not yet reached the point of eating Spam. “You know,” she says brightly, “here, Spam is a joke, but in Hawaii, it’s considered totally legitimate.” I ask her what that means. “One of the attorneys I used to work for is Hawaiian. She told me that it got big over there during World War II. Servicemen had it, it found its way into the stores, and it stuck.”

World War II was 75 years ago, I remind her. “And? Lots of things were 75 years ago. It doesn’t mean they’re not still today. It’s used in…sushi variations, for one. Turn here,” she adds, throwing her arm in front of my face.

I tell her that I’ve interviewed a lot of people and done a lot of diverse research in my career, and I’ve never heard anything like this about Spam. When I suggest that perhaps this was just a taste her coworker had, not a Hawaiian trend, she snaps at me. “You had never heard of this concept before I brought it up, and you think you understand it better than I do? Where do you get this reflexive sense that you know more than me?” I say that I don’t have any such sense, and Leah cuts me off. “That’s why you’re here for the interview at all.”

I think back to when I first heard about the 4Most Festival and what it felt like to see Leah’s name in the news stories. I think of the disconnect between the person I had in my memory, and the person being dragged by a US Attorney as “a criminal whose greed is only surpassed – thankfully for those who wish to see justice done swiftly – by her incompetence.”

“I’m here because I wanted to hear your explanation.”

“So you could write a little schadenfreude piece? You went up and up, while I let all the air go out of my life and sank into the swamp?”

“No. I wanted to be impressed by you. You always impress me…I mean…I couldn’t live in L.A., driving like this all the time.”

“What? Who cares about L.A.? You live in New York.”

“But so did you. You can do them both.”

“Yeah, wow. I’m equally at home in either elite coastal bubble. You’re not impressed by me, except maybe for the colossal scale of my fucking up.”

“Do you remember why you started telling those Long Island guys that you were from London? It’s because they were hassling Winnie and touching her on the dance floor. And you got them away from her and got them distracted and so drunk that they just passed out in the booth.”

I look over at her and she rolls her eyes. “That was like a million years ago. And how impressive is it when the reckless youth never grows up and stops acting like an idiot? You could write about anything. Why would you fly all the way out here to disrespect me?”

“I do respect you. I always knew you could handle everything that life dropped on you. That’s why I wanted to see what you had planned for this festival situation.”

“I don’t have a…” She’s cut off by a loud horn. I look back to the road and see that I’ve drifted into oncoming traffic. As an inexperienced driver, my only response to any danger is to slam on the brakes, which lock and send us skidding into a huge truck. Leah grabs the steering wheel with one hand and the parking brake with her other. She yanks the brake and pulls the wheel hard to one side, which spins the car around 180 degrees and drifts us in a semicircle out of the truck’s path. We wind up in the shoulder, alive and uninjured.

We forget the grocery store and drive back to Leah’s place in silence. Once we get inside, she dials for pizza. While we wait for it to arrive, and while we eat it, and while we finish off all the bottles of wine I had bought at the airport and left in my trunk (miraculously not shattered by my awful driving), we watch 90 Day Fiancé. Mohamed is describing the challenges of living with Danielle: “She was like…be like…sitting on the floor crying, screaming: ‘I want my sex tonight!’” It’s that second-language phrasing that’s so much more impactful than “proper” English.

The next morning, I leave and drive back to my hotel. By the time I arrive, Leah has already sent me an email.

I don’t know what you were thinking, but to make things easy, I’ll just say that everything from yesterday can be on the record. I hope it’s enough for your piece because I don’t feel up to another day of interviewing. Maybe we can see each other again in another six years, provided I’m not locked up, which, not that you asked, seems pretty unlikely, in my best legal evaluation. By the way, do you know what happened to Winnie after I saved her that night?

Winnie wound up going home with me, but I can’t bear to admit that to Leah. I step out onto my balcony and look out towards the ocean and try to imagine the anticipation people felt about the 4Most Festival. (Then I remember that the event was in Antigua, that Adam Foley and the hundreds of ticket-holders would have been staring in anticipation towards the Caribbean Sea. All that’s out my way is Hawaii.) It’s hard for me to imagine their excitement because I’ve always hated the ocean. I hate the crowds and the sunburns and the sand getting everywhere, but mostly I hate the water’s darkness and the water’s silence. I hate the thought of the tides endlessly rising and falling, for all history, for all time, no matter how sick anybody gets of it, no matter how much anybody wishes the world could change. It keeps going and going…