#i feel like the last couple of posts weren't too overwhelming

[eddiesxangel]

Show Me | Older!Eddie x F!Virgin Reader

Anonymous asked: I loved your post about Eddie x virgin!reader so much💞Do you think you could write older!Eddie x virgin reader?

Anonymous asked: Inexperienced!reader giving Eddie a handjob and a blowjob for the first time?

Cw: ten-year age gap, sex toys, female masturbation, the reader is kinda a perv (oops), Eddie is also kinda a perv (oops), reader first time giving oral, reader first time having sex, pet names.

CW: 7.1k It's long again, I'm sorry! idk how to do short

Moving trucks have been parked in your neighbour's driveway for about two days. You had always liked the Kaminskys, but they were older and now moving to a retirement community. This is the second day of moving trucks, and the new owners are moving in today. You have yet to receive much information from the realtor regarding the new neighbours, but you hope they'll be pleasant. You had already baked something to welcome them to the neighbourhood, in hopes that it could be a younger family or couple. Perhaps someone closer to your age?

You moved to this town around three years back when you received your first job offer after completing your college degree. You had saved up enough money to buy a one-bedroom house for a very affordable price. Although it required some repairs, you were happy with it because it allowed you to decorate it according to your liking. You loved the neighbourhood even if you were the only twenty-five-year-old on the block.

As you looked out from behind your front rooms curtains, you could see the movers unloading a big moving truck. There was one person among them who really caught your attention. You had never seen him before. It was a small town and you lived in a quiet suburb by the water in the south of Michigan. Everyone knew everyone, and you hadn’t seen this man before.

He appeared to be in his mind to late 30s and had a muscular build. His brown wavy hair was tied back in a low bun that connected with the five o clock shadow in his face. He was wearing a tight black ribbed tank top that showcased the tattoos covering both his arms and hands. He was hot... Way too hot not to have not ever been seen or talked about in your small lakefront town. Upon further observation, it became apparent that he was not wearing the attire of a mover.

Oh my god. He must be the new neighbour.

“Please be single, please be single, please be single,” you chanted as you hastily went to your closet in search of an outfit that looked cute so that you could introduce yourself.

You took your time getting ready; he obviously needed time to unload, and you didn’t want to overwhelm him…. And whoever else might be moving in.

God, you hoped he didn’t have a wife or whatever.

You shook your head to get rid of your rambling internal thoughts. You took a deep breath and told yourself to chill the fuck out. You could do this. You’ll go over in your sweet little sundress, introduce yourself, and offer him the chocolate cake you baked…

You weren't as excited as you were last night while baking it, now you were just nervous. You imagined a sweet family moving in with a newborn - a couple your age with whom you could become really close friends. But now, you are faced with a hot and sexy bad boy neighbour who may or may not have a wife and kids. Maybe he wasn’t into women at all?! That would suck. This situation is making you feel extremely anxious and overwhelmed due to your lack of interactions with the opposite sex.

To say you haven’t had a lot of experience was an understatement. You went through high school without a boyfriend. You went through college without a boyfriend. You weren’t into drunken hookups with random strangers for your first sexual experience. You went on many first dates, but nothing ever came of those many first dates. So you waited. And waited.

You thought that maybe you would meet somebody through work and then it would happen, but you’ve been so caught up with working and renovating your house your social life has taken a step back.

Of course, you wanted to find someone. To finally be with someone in a sexual way. To give yourself wholly to someone. Nothing ever went past kissing and or being felt up. But that was the extent of your sexual experience with another person.

Your sexual experience with yourself, on the other hand, was pretty standard. You've got your toys to get by. The first time you gave yourself a real orgasm from the vibrator you bought, it changed your world. Slowly, you worked your way up to toys you could insert once you got a little braver. So technically, yes, you hadn't slept with another person, but now you were more than ready to explore and get out there. You wanted that connection with someone.

So, about half an hour after the moving truck left, you worked up the courage to walk over and knock on the front door. You gave yourself a once-over before leaving. You wore a white sundress with tiny red cherries that fell mid-thigh, your hair was pulled back with a matching red hairband, and you had a fresh, subtle makeup look.

With a deep breath, you held that cake with all your might to ensure you didn't drop it and you simply knocked on the door.

"Just a second," You heard a deep voice call out. A few long seconds later, the door opens, and you're face to face with a wet, shirtless man in just a towel. As you suspected, it was the man you saw unloading the boxes.Fucking hell, He was attractive, with a toned body covered in tattoos. Your gaze drifted to his towel hanging low on his hips. -"Oh shit, sorry, let me just uh- I'll be right back," He sputtered as he realized he was basically naked in front of a young woman, most likely his neighbour.

"Sorry, I can come back later!" to try to fight off the blood rushing to your face.

"No- no, just, uh-hang on!' You hear him yell from inside the house. He came back out wearing black sweatpants which he had cut himself to make into shorts and a plain black tee shirt.

"Hi." He smiles as he walks back onto the front porch where you stood.

"Hi, I'm sorry. I should have waited a little longer to come introduce myself." You laugh uncomfortably.

"Nah, it's okay; not every day I'm greeted by a pretty girl with a cake." He smirks.

"What? Oh yea, I uh- just wanted to welcome you and uh your...wife?"

He shakes his head no.

"Your partner?"

Another no.

"Kid?" you try one last time. And he smiles with a chuckle.

"Anyway, I baked a cake just to say welcome." You shoved the plate into his chest, almost smushing it into his shirt.

"Thank you, that's very kind."

"You're welcome. So, um, I guess I'll get going; leave you to it." You turn to walk down the steps.

"Wait! What's your name?" you wince. You're so nervous you didn't even introduce yourself.

"I'm sorry." You giggled uncomfortably.

"I'm Eddie Munson," he smiled. His smile was infectious; you smiled back and gave him your name.

"Pretty name for a pretty girl."

"Um- thanks." You shy into yourself.

"So you said you live next door?"

"Yeah, uh, I'm just over at forty-four." You motion over your shoulder to your house.

"You live there with your folks?" He cocks his head.

"No, Mr. Munson. It's all mine, mine alone." You giggle.

"You don't look old enough," he squints suspiciously.

"I would like to have you know I am twenty-five." You say proudly.

"Oh well, pardon me." He smiled. This made Eddie feel much better about being so attracted to you. God forbid you were still living at home with your parents. He would feel like a total creep.

"Anyways, I uh should get going," you point over your shoulder.

"Oh, ok, well, um, once I'm done setting up, please stop by whenever. I could use a familiar face around... being new to town and all."

"Sure thing, it was nice meeting you. Mr. Munson." you smile.

"Please call me Eddie!" He called as you walked back over to your house,

"Enjoy the cake!" You give a small wave.

"Oh, I will." Before you turn back, you watch as he takes a finger, dips it in the icing, and puts it in his mouth without breaking eye contact... you hadn't witnessed anything so sensual. You almost trip over your sandals as you scurry back into your house.

All of your interactions with Eddie over the next week were flirtatious. He managed to make your heart beat faster than any man had before.

After a week and a half, Eddie finally organized the house. His furniture was set up, and most of the moving boxes had been emptied. He would see you when you came home from work in the evenings as he sat on his porch with a cigarette.

"Hey, Eddie," You would blush,

"Hey, sweetheart" He would smile back without fail.

If anyone else were to call you that, you'd want to clock them; however, coming out of Eddie's mouth? Somehow, it made you swoon.

"Hey, um, you don't have to, but would you want to join me for dinner? Tonight? I am sure you're exhausted from unpacking, and I'm a pretty good cook... unless you hated my cake so feel free to say no.-" You rambled on.

"I'd love to join you for dinner. That's very sweet of you to offer." This was so new for Eddie. Neighbours being neighbourly. He was always the outcast in his town growing up. Now, at thirty-five, he is finally saved up enough to get out of town, start fresh, and open his own autobody shop. Have an actual house of his own, not that he wasn't grateful for his uncle and the trailer park.

Here, he could be anyone he wanted to be. He met some of the townspeople, and they seemed nice enough when he told them he would be taking over for Mr. Sanders's mechanic shop.

"Okay, great! I'm just going to get changed, I'll leave the door open; feel free to come in and make yourself at home whenever you're ready." You motioned to him and his cigarette."

"Thanks, Sunshine." He smiled that smile you couldn't overcome, and you rushed inside to find a n outfit that didn’t scream ‘I work for corporate America.’

You made your way up to your loft, which doubled as your bedroom that overlooked the living area and kitchen. You were in the middle of stripping when you heard the front door open; only then did you realize that when you told him to make himself at home, you had forgotten the minor detail that he would be able to see you changing. You scurried into your walk-in closet with a squeak so he wouldn't have dinner and a show.

"Sunshine?" He asked, walking into your home.

"I'll be down in a minute!" You yell as you scramble to find your jean shorts.

"Take your time." He walks around your home, observing your picture gallery.

"Help yourself to a beer or whatever you want in the fridge."

"Thanks."

As you walk back down your stairs, you see Eddie sitting on your couch, beer in hand. Man-spread with an arm around the top of the sofa. You wished you could be by his side, arm around you instead.

"Good, you made yourself at home."

"Well, Sweets, I am a good listener." He tilted his head back, taking a swig from the bottle. You watched his Adam's apple bob in his long throat, and you thought about what it would feel like to kiss it.

"Any dietary restrictions?" You ask, shaking yourself from your dirty thoughts.

"Nah..." He shakes his head. "So, how did you swing a place like this at your age?"

It felt like a dig; maybe he just saw you as a kid... you would change his mind on that.

"Um, well, I got it on foreclosure; you should have seen it; it was a mess, and everyone wanted to tear it down, but I had a vision. It took a few years, but it's finally finished. I had some help from my grandmother's inheritance, but it wasn't much. So I worked my ass off, and here we are" you spoke as you got together the pots and ingredients.

"Looks like you're doing well for yourself" He smiled as he watched you bend over, unintentionally showing off your cute plump ass.

"Yeah, I guess. So what do you do?" you turn and catch him staring at your behind.

"Well, I just bought the auto shop off Mr. Sander's, so if you're ever in any car trouble, I'm your guy." He smiles.

"Good to know; I know nothing when it comes to my Ruby."

"Ruby?"

"Yeah, my car, she's red, so I named her Ruby."

"That's cute; it suits you."

You don't say much after you start cooking; you are in the zone, ensuring everything is perfect.

"So, what's a girl like you do around here for fun?"

"A girl like me?"

"Yeah, young, beautiful." He takes a bite like what he said was obvious.

"Umm well... work mostly. We have block parties, it is all families around here; my friends all live in the city." You take a sip of beer to settle your nerves.

"This is really good." He motions to the plate of food in front of him.

"You know what? We are having our town's Fourth of July party on Saturday. Everyone goes, you should come! I can show you around more, introduce you to more people, and you can spread the word about your new business opening up next week."

"Yeah, I'd really like that."

After Eddie had thanked you for the meal, he stayed a few more hours; you enjoyed his company. He respectfully kissed you on the cheek goodnight, and you made your way straight up to your room with your toys because you couldn't stand it any longer.

Eddie made you feel like your body was on fire. When he would lightly graze his fingertips along your bare arm or when he would compliment you. His voice alone made your lower tummy tingle.

You pulled out your trusty rabbit that never failed you. You felt dirty, but Eddie had you so worked up you needed relief.

As you lay on your bed, you strip yourself down to nothing. You think about how Eddie’s big, strong hands would tease your body. Working yourself up in your mind. You got wetter by the second.

You imagined how his voice would sound as you imagined the filthy words that would come out of that perfectly plump mouth. That mouth you wanted all over your body.

You imagined, pictured, and played a movie of Eddie and you in your head until you got so worked up that you couldn’t take it anymore. Your clit was screaming at you to be touched. You turned on the toy, it came to life, and your body quivered with anticipation. Your body sprang to life as you slowly worked the toy around your wet hole and then plunged in the dildo. You went deeper and deeper until the little vibrator at the top of the toy hit your clit.

Your body arched up as you felt the waves of pleasure wash through your veins. You pumped the toy in and out of your wet pussy, thinking about your older neighbour. How hot he looked in nothing but that towel when you first met. How your pussy clenched at the sight of his happy trail. How his muscles formed a V travelling right to where you wanted most. You could see his bulge under the white fluffy bath towel wrapped around his waist. You thought about how good his flesh would feel against yours as he pumped his cock inside of you like how you were with your toy.

“Oh, Eddie!” You moaned, forgetting your window was open for the summer breeze you loved to feel in the night.

Your free hand travels to your breast; you tweak your sensitive nipple and moan out again. Your white transparent curtains fluttered with the wind, but you were too wrapped up in your fantasy to notice.

When Eddie got home he went straight into his new bedroom and opened his window because the evening breeze was blowing. He then got ready for bed and was reading when he heard his name. His head shot up, thinking he was hearing things. Then, he listened to another sultry moan. He took off his reading glasses and got up to investigate. His eyes shot wide open as he saw your silhouette through your curtains. He saw your the outline of your body, how your hand worked where he wanted to put his cock the most.

It was wrong, it was so wrong, but now Eddie couldn’t take his eyes off of the image in front of him. He tried walking away, and he almost did, but when he heard your sweet voice moan his name again, his feet were planted on the ground. This only confirmed that you were as attracted to him as he was to you. He had thought so tonight at dinner but now he would dare to go for it. Ask you out for real.

Your body felt like it was on fire the way the toy vibrated throughout your body. The pressure kept building and building until you were on the brink. Your body seized as your pussy clamped down on the dildo inside of you. Your eyes rolled back into your head as the waves of pleasure washed over your entirety. You caught your breath and knew that Eddie was the one you wanted to be with. He was the one; if he could make you feel this good in your fantasies, you can only imagine how it would be for real.

Eddie was nervous, even though you had confirmed, unintentionally, that you were attracted to him; it had been a while since he asked out about a girl he liked, especially when he was about to ask out one who was ten years younger.

Saturday couldn't come soon enough. You had asked Eddie as a friend, but Eddie would treat it as a date, and he would make sure you knew it was a date. You were excited to spend time with Eddie again after your dinner. It had only been four days, but the anticipation was creeping in. You were so surprised when he showed up at your door with flowers.

"Eddie, you didn't have to do this, but thank you!" you smiled as you sniffed the daisies.

"Of course I did; what kind of date would I be if I showed up empty-handed?" He smirked as he stepped into your house as you went to get a vase for your flowers.

“A date, huh?” You smirked over your shoulder.

“Yes. A date”

“Okay,” you smile as you take his hand in yours and lock up your house.

Eddie was smitten; he had you on his arm, and he felt like the king of the world. You were also smitten. Finally, you were on a date with someone who you were very interested in.

Eddie was funny and charming, and you found out he was really nerdy, but it was only much more endearing. You learned how he played guitar and was in a high school garage band that landed a few gigs at the local bar. The more you got to know him, the more you wanted to be with him.

Eddie couldn’t keep his hands off you as the night went on, and you enjoyed it. When he wasn't holding your hand, he was holding your waist; if he wasn't holding your waist, his arm was draped over your shoulder.

When the fireworks started, you gazed up at the sky together, wrapped up in one another warmth as the cool breeze of the lake came through. Halfway through the show, he went to kiss the top of your head but you had moved to look up at him, and you caught his lips with yours. Just like the fireworks in the sky, there were fireworks between the both of you. When you both pulled back, you could see in his eyes that he felt it, too.

You finished off the night hand in hand as he walked you home. He kissed you good night like a perfect gentleman, and you bid one another a goodnight.

You were so giddy and excited about Eddie. The more you went out, the more time you wanted to spend with him. You were finishing your third official date when you asked him to join you inside your place for a nightcap.

Things moved quickly once you settled inside. Your drinks were hardly touched. Eddie couldn’t keep his hands off you.m as you made out like a couple of horny teenagers in the couch.

Your mind was racing. Why hadn’t you told him you’re a virgin? You invited him in. He’s probably expecting sex… oh god, what if he’s turned off by the fact that you’re not experienced?

“We can slow down if you want.” he pulled away; he had sensed something was off. You became stiff and seemed like you weren't into the makeout anymore.

“I’m sorry. I’m just a bit nervous… I’m -uh just out of practice…” you shied.

“That’s okay we can take it slow.” He stroked your cheek.

“Are you sure?” You twiddled with his fingers that are resting on your thigh.

“Of course. We can go at your speed.”

“I need to tell you something.” You looked down at the floor. He nodded his head but then spoke because you weren’t looking at him.

“I’ve never… I uh. Shit. I’ve never been with anyone before.”

“What?” Eddie was dumbfounded. How? There was no way he heard you correctly.

“I’m a virgin.” You pull away, but Eddie reaches for you.

“oh wow. I wasn't expecting that... uh- but that’s okay. We don’t have to do anything you don’t want to.” he comforts you.

“But I do want to,” you rush out. “It’s not like I’m waiting for marriage; it just hasn’t happened…”

“We will go at your pace” Eddie smiled.

“Thank you”

You shift closer to him, wanting to kiss him again, especially after being so cool with everything.

You leaned in to kiss him again, but he was hesitant.

“You sure, sunshine?”

“Yea” you sigh into his mouth.

Eddie grabs the back of your head so he can pull you in closer.

Your hand rested on his knee. As you continued to kiss him your hand bravely traveled up his thigh.

“Woah, hold on, sunshine.” He rested his hand on yours to stop moving.

Oh my gosh, this is it. He had come to his senses. He’s rejecting you.

"You sure you want to go there? Because if we keep going, I will want to do things to you, and I don't want to make you uncomfortable if you're not ready."

"I promise. I've waited so long for the right guy, and I'm ready, trust me." If he only knew about your little collection of toys upstairs.

"We don't have to go all the way tonight okay?"

"Yeah, okay." You nodded your head with anticipation. Okay, this was good. He accepted you, and he still wanted to fool around.

You returned to making out on your couch, and the heavy petting ensued. This time, Eddie didn't stop your advances as your hand travelled up his thigh to the crease of his leg and up his crotch. Your hand felt around his bulge through his jeans. There was no denying that he was turned on. The way his cock strained against the thick black fabric should have been illegal. It must have been uncomfortable for him. You just had to let it spring free.

You shifted your weight forward to get closer to him. To feel him. His thighs were thick and defined. You could also feel how hard they were. Your mind wandered to how they would feel to sit on.

Before you knew it, your body was moving before your brain could catch up. One leg draped over his, and you were mounted on Eddie's leg. His deliciously thick leg. You just did what felt right; as you sat down on Eddie, the pressure situated onto your pussy felt so delicious. Your hips started rocking back and forth, building up a rhythm.

You heard and felt Eddie moan in your mouth, and this only enticed you on to keep going, your body driven by pleasure.

"That feel good, baby?" He cooed in your ear before he started kissing down your neck.

"Mmmmhmmm." You nodded frantically, eyes shut, not daring to look at him.

"Good girl, keep going." You felt his big hands grip the top of your ass as he helped you rock your hips against his jeans. The pressure in your lower stomach was building and building; you could feel your orgasm as close.

“Fuck that’s it, use me”

Fuck, you haven't gotten off by dry-humping something in years. Not since you found your first vibrator.

"You close, baby girl?" He whispered against your lips as you kept kissing him. A muffled yes was said, and before you could continue to speak, waves of pleasure washed over your whole body. It stared from your clit and radiated up like it travelled through your bloodstream straight to your head.

Your movements slowed, and you managed to catch your breath; Eddie was still hard as a rock under his jeans, and there was no way you weren't going to help out with that.

You mimicked the way Eddie kissed your neck on Eddie. Your tongue moved the way he moved on your neck. Your hands worked in tandem with your mouth. Your fingers worked to open his jeans as you kept kissing on sucking on Eddie's long tattooed neck.

"You don't have to, Sugar," he panted, but you could hear in his tone that he was excited. He wanted this as much as you did... maybe even more.

"But I want to, Eddie." You batted your eyelashes, and you pulled away to let him see your playful pout.

You've watched enough porn and heard enough of your friend's stories to know what you're doing. Sure, the first and only time you saw a dick in real life was in your third year at uni when you tried to go down on the guy you were out with but then got scared, and he walked you home... but you got this! You're an adult woman who knows what she wants, and what she wants is right at her fingertips.

Your little pep talk in your head must have been evident on your face because Eddie started speaking again.

"You done this before?" He asks gently, not judgingly. You shake your head slightly in return.

"You want me to guide you?"

You nodded your head yes. You wanted to be good and do it right.

"Kay," He smiled.

Eddie told you how to work your hands slowly, teasingly at first, not too much but not too little. And no sudden sharp yanking movements at first... You listened, and when you were ready, you moved his boxers down, and his cock was released. It was so big, so much bigger than you thought it would be. The one you saw was a least half the size of Eddie's.

"Oh my god," You gasped.

"It's okay, sugar; he won't bite." Eddie kissed you to make you feel more comfortable. Your hand travelled back to his cock so you could grip it in your hand, not too hard, but not too gently like Eddie had said. The tip produced a bead of precum that was already leaking out, which was a good sign. Your fingers brushed over the head, and Eddie sucked in a breath.

"Did I hurt you?" you dropped his cock from your release.

"No, quite the opposite, baby."

"Oh," you giggled. You picked up where you left off, stroking his cock in your grip, teasing it and feeling it. You were surprised by how velvety the skin felt.

As you continued to make up with Eddie, cock in hand. You suddenly felt braver, and the need to have him in your mouth grew stronger. You slinked your way off the couch so you were sat in front of him on your knees, eyes and mouth level with his behemoth that he calls his cock.

“You sure, little one?" He asked, and you nodded your head with a smile. You moved before your surge of confidence broke.

You sat up a little more and moved his cock towards you, and tentatively licked the tip. You continued your kitten licks a few more times before enveloping his tip in your warm, wet mouth. You peered up at Eddie through your long lashes; he looked like he was enjoying himself, so you must have been doing something right? You swirled your tongue along the tip before dipping you're head down lower to take more of him. Eddie let out a moan, and this made you smile. Yes, you were doing something right. So you continued, lower and lower.

You'd be lying if you didn't say you've tested your gag reflex on one of the dildos you own; where is the fun in that? But now that it was a real mans cock in your mouth, you understood the hype about giving head. You genuinely liked it so far, but that's probably due to Eddie and how comfortable he makes you feel.

"You sure you've never done this before?" He managed to get out.

"uhhhhuuhhhhhh" You moned against his cock and that only jerked Eddie's hip up into you.

"Oh shit, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, that just felt really good, baby" He stroked your head before gripping the back of your hair like he was resisting to push you further down.

"Fuck baby, you're way too good at this to be a virgin."

"You calling me a Liar, Mr. Munson?" You popped off his cock and started jerking him off with your hand again.

"No, no, baby, shit, I mean, ohhh, fuck you're very good for this being your first time."

"Thank you" You put the tip back in your mouth as you sucked on it, but your hands continued to work the shaft.

Eddie didn't last much longer; he told you to take your mouth off but continue with your hands, not wanting to ruin his chance of being with you again if you tasted cum for the first time and you were disgusted. So you listened, wanting to please him; you watched as the white liquid spurted from his shaft and ran down your hands. It was warm and all you could picture was what it would look like leaking out of your pussy.

"Let me get you a towel" You got up when his cock finally stopped spazming.

You walked back over with a warm wet dishtowel, but not before you took his softening cock in your mouth to wipe up the access.

"Jesus Christ," Eddie wasn't expecting that. It was like he had awoken something inside you.

"I wanted to know what you tasted like," you surged before you handed him the towel.

"You, little minx, are going to be the death of me."

Eddie and you had been going out for two months since he moved in, and it had been a week since you gave Eddie your first blow job. It's been on your mind for the majority of the week. So when he asked you out again on a fourth date, you were very excited to see how that one would end. What more would the two of you explore?

Eddie cooked for you; he had a nice romantic dinner in his kitchen. His place was finally fully unpacked, and he gave you a grand official tour of his house afterward.

"You going to show me your bedroom?" You teased.

"You would love that, wouldn't you?" He teased back.

You headed up to his room. You walk inside, and it's pretty spacious; he has a small window off to the side that looks into your house. You stroll around the beige-carpeted floors to see if your suspicions are correct. He does, in fact, have a direct view of your bedroom.

"Ever spy on me, Mr. Munson?"

"mmmmm once or twice." He chuckles as his strong arms wrap around your waist, pulling you in closer to his body.

"Really?" You got a bit nervous; what had he seen?

"Well, a man can't help his curiosity when he hears a sweet voice moaning his name in the middle of the night."

This makes you gasp. He had to be joking! But then again, your windows are close together, and you love leaving them open...

"Don't worry, sweetheart." He turned you to face him, but you buried yourself into his chest, too embarrassed to look at him. "It's flattering.”

"Eddie" you moaned into his chest."

"I'm serious, knowing you want an old guy like me?"

"You're not even that old," you mumbled.

"Please look at me, Sunshine." He tilted your head up so he could gaze into your eyes. You tried to fight it, but you ultimately gave in.

"I'm embarrassed," You pout.

"Don't be; you don't even need to be embarrassed about your fantasies with me. Understood?"

"Okay." You shy away meekly.

“You want to tell me your fantasies? What you were thinking about when you touched yourself all alone in that bed of yours?”

“I-i-want…“

“It’s okay. I know you’re nervous, sweetheart. You can tell me.”

You paused, took a deep breath and closed your eyes.

“I want to be taken care of,” you whispered.

“And”

“I want you to be the one to do it…”

"We can definitely arrange that," he said before taking your lips. His tongue parted your lips, making its way into your mouth. He was an excellent kisser. You were getting wet just by his kisses alone.

Eddie backs you up and leads you toward the king-size bed. Your knees give out when they hit the soft mattress, and you fall back, dragging Eddie down with you.

"You gonna let me take care of you, baby?"

"Please?"

"That's my girl." He smiled into the kiss before getting up so you could shimmy back onto the bed so you could rest on the pillows.

Eddie's mouth found yours again as his hands travelled up your body, feeling every inch of your skin. You felt like your body was on fire; the heat radiating between the two of you was evident.

"Can I take this off?" He played with the hem of your sundress.

"You can do whatever you want"

"That's a big promise, little one, gotta be careful with making promises like that." he cocks his head.

"I just want you." You go to take off your dress, but Eddie stops you so he can do it himself. You came prepared; you wore the nicest bra and panty set you owned. A pink lace and satin set. It made your boobs look out of this world the way the fabric cupped you just right. Accentuating every curve.

"All this f'me?"

You didn't answer. You just needed to kiss him again; your bodies melded together as he pressed you further into the mattress. His hands cupped your breasts, moulding and kneading them, and your sensitive nipples began to perk up at his rough touch.

"You're perfect," Eddie sighed as his mouth detached from yours and moved down to your neck. Your body tingled as his soft lips explored the exposed skin.

"Eddie," you moaned out in pleasure. Your hips started to grind up onto Eddie's calf, and he knew he had you right where he wanted.

His hands moved lower, cupping your lace covered heat. His fingers felt so good above the lace that separated the two of you; you couldn't wait to see what they felt like skin to skin.

"You mind if I?"

"Yes!" you said, a little too excited. But Eddie didn't mind. He thought it was so cute the way you were eager to let him explore your body.

"You know how often I've pictured you on this bed?" You shake your head, not biting your lip.

"Oh well, I would picture you like this... no, wait. There would be much less clothing." He wraps his arms around his body to take off his shirt, and he throws it across the room; next to go were his pants. You giggled at his antics. "Much better."

You could feel his cock press against your stomach as he pounced back down onto you. He continued where he had left off, his hand exploring your clothed cunt again, circling your clit above your panties, making you let out a sweet moan. He moved his hands further up until he made his way underneath your panties.

Your hips automatically moved as Eddie's hands explored your wet folds. His free hand pressed your hip, silently telling you not to move, that he will do this for you. You no longer had to be the only one to make yourself feel good. He was here to take care of you.

His thick finger slipped past your folds and up into your tight cunt.

"Oh!" You called out as his fingers broke past the barrier. They were much bigger than you're used to; your hands could never do the same as he was doing now.

"You're ok, baby," he cooed. He worked his hands inside of you, hitting a spot you'd never located before. That made your mind go numb and all fuzzy.

Eddie pulled out of you, and you whimpered in protest but quickly understood he was only taking off your panties for you. You lifted your legs, you helped him out, and he kissed down your leg until he reached your centre.

"May I?" He asked.

"Yes." You sigh.

Eddie waisted not a moment longer. His lips attached themselves to your lower ones. You’d never felt anything like it. The way his soft mouth moved around your clit, kissing and sucking on your swollen bud. You thought I couldn’t get any better than this. Until his tongue made its way onto your body and you cried out in pleasure. Too consumed by Eddie to be embarrassed by how loud you were being.

“Eddie! Oh god, yes, fuck right there!”

“You taste so sweet, even better than I imaged.” Eddie hummed into your cunt mimicking the vibrations your so use to with your vibrating toys. You body was quivering underneath him within minutes. He was way too good at this.

“Please, I’m coming, oh god I’m cuming!” You try to catch your breath with every world but it wa s no use. Eddie didn’t let up until your body was spent.

You watched Eddie sit up, your liquids covering his chin. He smiled as he spoke.

“We are only just getting started baby”

Another whimper left your throat as he pulled down his boxers to reveal his hard cock. It bobbed as it was released from its confines and you wanted nothing more than to feel it in your mouth again.

“I know what you’re thinking, baby. But no, not tonight. I need to feel you.” He went to the nightstand and opened the drawer. You watched as he pulled out the condom from its foil wrappings. Your legs clenched in anticipation.

"I'm going to take real good care of you, Sunshine." he rolled it into himself before crawling back over your body.

"Okay, Eddie. I trust you."

Eddie's heart fluttered as you spoke. He was so honoured that you chose him to be your first. He would make you see what you had missed this whole time.

"You ready?" He asked.

"Yes, I think so." You nod.

Eddie hovered over you as he took your lips into his once more. You could taste yourself in his mouth and he slowly worked the tip along your slit collecting your natural lube so he could slip himself easily inside.

"Oh my god!' Eddie was thick, so much thicker than you were used to with your silicone boyfriend you had hidden in the drawer. Thank god you were at least used to that because you didn't know how you would have handled this otherwise.

"You're doing so well for me, Sunshine." he praised as his cock dove deeper into you. Your tight cunt felt like paradise.

You told Eddie he could start moving once you were comfortable and adjusted to his size.

You saw starts as his cock plunged in and out of you; it felt so fucking good. You couldn't keep in your pleasure. Moan after moan was music to Eddie's ears. Why had you waited this long to feel something so good?

"So good, fuck, you're so fucking tight." His strokes never let up. He kept the same tempo as his hips snapped into you. Your mouths hardly disconnect unless you need to come up for air. His hands explored under your bra as he pulled a cup down to free your nipple. He moved from your mouth down to take your breast into his mouth, curling your peaked bud just like he did your clit minutes before.

Your body was lit up again; the heat between you both was one thousand degrees. Eddie, was your everything at this moment. You didn't, nor couldn't think of anything but the pleasure he was feeding you.

"More, more, more," You chant as Eddie's cock pounds into you, filling you more than you had ever felt before.

Eddie listened and moved his hands to your clit. Sparking an electrical bolt through your entire body. Your already sensitive clit was pulsing with desire as Eddie continued to pleasure you. With each stroke of his cock and hand, your body couldn't take it anymore, and you began to convulse under him.

"Shit fuck, you're squeezing me so tight," Eddie spoke before he realized that he was making you cum undone beneath him.

"Oh, yes! Eddie!"

"That's it, such a good girl, taking me so well. God your pussy is made for me." he spoke as he still used your body for his own pleasure. He didn't take much after your cunt latched down on him like a vice that he was coming right after you. A loud grunt left his lips as he felt a wave of please come over his body. His sensitive cock spurted its hot while cum into the condom that was still inside you.

"Wow," Was all you managed to say. Your brain was mush, but it was the best way possible.

"Yeah, wow," Eddie chuckled as he rolled off of you, out of breath but feeling blissful nonetheless.

"Is it always like that?" You mindlessly asked.

"With me, baby girl? Yeah." He chuckled.

"Wow," You repeated. Your brain is still not fully back down to earth.

"You wanna be my girl Sunshine?"

This snapped you back into reality.

"What? Really?" You turn your head to look at him.

"Yeah, baby girl," He cupped your face, waiting for your answer.

"Yes, Eddie, I'll be your girl"

Part 2

Tag list: @starksbabie @skyline4446 @bl00d-puppy @xxhellfirebunnyxx @amira0303 @ali-r3n @lavendermunson @fairykissesaresweet @minorlystuck13 @feral-pumpkin-energy @asimpforthe80s @flawiette @munsoneightysixx @localemofreak @babybimbo777 @elegantkolalapaper @stayonmars @harringtonxkeery @hellfiremunsonn @eddiestans-blog @sp1dyb0y1008 @nailbatanddungeon @munsonology @shadyhologrambanana

[pinkyqil]

R is very very shy and a little awkward, a couple of years younger than Ingrid and not famous, they've been seeing each other for a couple of months and she's been to a couple of games supporting Ingrid. The fans and the media all try to know who she is, crossing her privacy ecc and start to say very mean things to her so she start to pull away cause she's sad and think that Ingrid can have someone much better but Ingrid confort her cause she only wants her

I want you and you only // Ingrid engen

You and Ingrid had been dating for a couple of months now despite the three year age gap you both had going on. She loved you loved her that all that matters.

Ingrid always wanted to come wacht a few of the games oblivious and to support her. but due to timid and shy personality she understands and didn't push your buttons about it anymore.

You being you not wanting to feel like you disappoint her started going to the machetes even though sometimes you felt overwhelmed.

A few fans started noticing you're interaction digging in to recorde any sweet moments they could catch and post it on various platforms. The media trying to see if you had any celebrity status.

Ingrid had noticed the sudden attraction you both got from the public and told you to keep it on the for your own behalf but you took that too heart thinking that she was pushing you away and didn't want people to know about you.

You continued visiting Ingrid and supporting the team which lead to more media abuse.like fans finding out your private account and send you hateful messages saying Ingrid deserves better than you targeting your looks weight and everything they could critique about you.

You stopped coming to the games and kept rescheduling dates with her where you bearly showed up.

Slowly you started wondering if you were good enough for her.you already got the memo from people you weren't good for her or anyone.

tonight you planned on breaking up with her she had invited you over and you couldn't ignore your girlfriend soon to be ex.

Ingrid on the other hand had been very worried about you. Especially when she saw how the past few days you had declined her she was very worried after seeing things being said about you.

Arriving at Ingrid places you felt really nervous you were about to break up with the woman you loved the most.

Taking a deep breath before knocking on her door.

The door had opened with a worried looking Ingrid.she had immediately pulled you into a hug and kisses all over you face.

Oh lord how we're you supposed to break up with her you thought.

"Baby I was worried you stopped answering my text the last few days-". She tried to finish but got cut of by you.

"Let break". You told her with a cold stone face.

"What why did I do anything wrong".

"No you did nothing wrong it me I'm the problem you deserve better than me". You told her.

"What do you mean you're amazing please tell me your aren't listening to what people say".

"It not only that Ingrid you pushed me away when I tried to be there for you".

"Baby no I didn't mean it that why I just said it so you don't feel pressured I love you please don't leave me. She told you with tears flowing from her face.

You couldn't believe yourself for believing all that you had an amazing woman in front of you why would you try to ruin it.

"I'm sorry baby I just don't understand why everyone just seems to have something to say about me". you told her now crying.

"I love you and you'll always be enough to me". she told you

"Love to too".you said before grabbing her face and kiss her.

Ingrid_engen&Yourusername

Love you always and forever liked by alexiaputellas,onabatlle,lucybronze and 20,66 others

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© PINKYQIL

A/n: hope you like this and it reaches your standardsfeedback are appreciated and feel free to send in more or just chat in

[felixsramen]

can you do poly OT8 skz reacting to you getting pregnant please🥺😭

I hope you enjoy this. I got really carried away writing this. I kinda connected this to my Yours Truly series so I hope you don't mind. This has been sitting in my drafts for way too long though. I've just decided to post it after finishing it. There might be a few mistakes so sorry about that.

You had waken up this morning on your huge shared bed completely overwhelmed with nausea and quickly crawled over your boyfriends practically running to the bathroom. You quickly dropped to your knees and threw up into the toilet. You were currently cursing Hyunjin mentally for asking you to get takeout from that restaurant. You probably had food poisoning now.

You feel a hand go to your hair holding it and another hand going to your back. Clearly from 2 different people.

"Damn it. I told Hyunjin we shouldn't have gotten takeout from there." You hear Changbin say.

You once again leaned over the toilet throwing up with your eyes closed. "I'm going to kill him when he gets up." Seungmin says threatening his boyfriend.

After a couple minutes at this point you're not throwing up anything else. Instead dry heaving into the toilet. "Is she okay?" You hear Hyunjin say worried.

"She probably has food poisoning because of the takeout from last night." Changbin says as you start finally feeling like you weren't going to throw up your guts.

You sit back on your legs and sigh wiping your face. "I should kill you." Seungmin says to his boyfriend who looks on worried.

"Lets get you laying back down okay?" Changbin says and you nod tired now that you had thrown up what felt like your entire guts.

Seungmin and Changbin help you back into the bed where the rest of your concerned boyfriends wait. "You okay love?" Jisung asks you.

"Just a little nauseous. Probably from dinner." You tell him and he nods yet he's still worried. Felix comes in with a water bottle.

"You need liquids. From what I know you've thrown up everything you ate last night and you need fluids." Felix says handing you the bottle and you take it drinking at least half before the boys let you put it down.

"You're going to be alright." I.N. says rubbing your back.

"I feel bad that we can't stay." Chan says sighing. Yet you just shrug.

"Don't. You guys have work." You tell him and he sighs again.

"That doesn't make me feel any better." Chan says and you sigh. "I promise it's okay love." You say and he gives you a sympathetic look.

You grab his hand intertwining it. "Is Maria off work today?" Minho asks you and you nod.

"She should be." You tell him and he nods.

"Since we can't take care of you today we'll call your friend Maria and ask if she will. Okay?" Minho tells you.

"Okay." You say giving him a weak nod. He grabs your phone calling Maria. He leaves the room as the boys tuck you under the blanket.

"Hello?" Answers a male voice instead of Maria. "Hey. Can I speak to Maria?" Minho asks.

"Sure. Who is this though?" The voice asks.

"Minho." He says simply.

"MARIA!" The voice yells out though it sounds muffled.

"Which of the 8 are you?" Minho asks him back.

"Seonghwa. Is there a special reason why you're calling from Y/Ns phone?" He asks him which sounds like a genuine question with no ill intent.

Minho sighs. "Is Maria off work today? Its kind of urgent. I need a favor that deals with Y/N." He asks him.

"Yeah she is." He says and another yell of Maria comes out.

Minho hears voices in the background. "Get off me!" Minho hears Maria say while laughing.

"No!" The voice says back.

"I need to get to Seonghwa Woo!" She says as it sounds like a struggle is happening.

"Help me Yunho!" She yells. He hears laughter in the background.

"Minhos calling from Y/Ns number." Seonghwa says to Maria.

Minho hears more struggling. The phone is handed off. "Hello?" Maria says. He hears muffled laughter. "Get off me Wooyoung! San you too!" He hears her say and a reply of no comes.

"Hey we got takeout from this restaurant Hyunjin wanted to try and Y/N woke up throwing up and she's nauseous." Minho says sighing.

"Is she okay?" Maria says concerned.

"Yeah but we have to work and its really important or we'd stay here with her. We don't want to leave her alone and I feel bad for asking because it's your day off but could you come over and watch her just until we get home. We're going to try and get them to send us home around noon." Minho says.

"Don't feel bad about it. I don't mind at all, she's my friend." Maria says concern still in her voice.

"Thank you. If there's anyway we can pay you back let us know." Minho says sighing out relieved.

"Give me 30 minutes to get changed and get there. I don't need you to pay me back, that's my friend." Maria says sighing.

"Thank you." Minho says. Suddenly there's a scream from Maria followed by laughter.

"Stop San and Woo! I have to go see Y/N she's sick" Maria says scolding her boyfriends.

"Is she okay?" Wooyoung says to Maria.

"She's okay but the boys have important work today so they can't take of her until later so I'm going over there." She tells him.

"Fine but you owe us later!" Minho hears what sounds like San say.

"Yeah. Okay." She says.

"I'll be there. Bye." She says and the phone hangs up.

Minho makes his way back to the room. "She's coming over." Minho says to his boyfriends.

"Good. I didn't want to leave her alone." Chan says sighing looking at you as you had fallen back to sleep.

"Lets get ready. She'll be here about the time we need to leave." Minho says and the boys nod getting up from surrounding you even though they don't want to leave your side.

They all get to doing what they need but check on you. Though after changing I.N. and Jisung come up to you and climb into bed with you.

They lay there watching your breathing and to see if you'd need help getting back to the bathroom in case another wave of nausea wakes you up. They hear the faint knock of a door but don't move knowing that one of their boyfriends would open the door.

Hyunjin is the one who opens the door. "Call us when you get done." Hongjoong yells to Maria.

"I will." Maria yells back to him as he backs out of the driveway.

The back windows roll down. "I LOVE YOU!" Shouts Wooyoung sticking his head out the car.

"Get back in the car now!" Jongho says pulling his boyfriend back into the car as the window rolls up.

Maria laughs and turns realizing the door is open now.

"Oh sorry about that." But then she realizes it's Hyunjin.

"Nevermind I take it back. You were the one who has my friend throwing up because she has food poisoning." Maria says and Hyunjin sighs and knows that was deserved. He steps out of the way so Maria can come inside.

"Thank you for coming Maria. Y/Ns currently laying down in the room." Chan says taking her to the boys and your room.

He opens the door revealing you squished in-between 2 of your boyfriends. They look at Maria and sit up.

Chan goes up to you gently shaking you awake. "Baby?" Chan says and you hum.

"Hey love we got to leave. Maria's here. We're going to try our best to be back around noon." Chan says and you open your eyes. You nod to him.

"I love you." Chan says kissing your head. "Love you too Channie." You say back to him and he smiles.

The rest of the boys go to you kissing your head and let out I love yous.

"We're leaving now baby. We'll be back soon. Maria's going to take good care of you. It's my fault you have food poisoning and I'm really sorry." Hyunjin says kissing your hand.

"It's okay Jinnie I'll be fine." You tell him as he nods and kisses your head once more. He gets up walking with the rest of the boys out of the house. You hear the door shut signalling your boyfriends left already.

"How are you feeling?" Maria asks as you sit up.

"Still feel nauseous but not like I'm going to puke my guts up anymore." You say and she comes to the edge of the bed and sits.

"Good. Do you have a fever or anything?" She asks you and shake your head.

"Are you hungry?" She asks feeling your head. You nod.

"Anything in particular?" Maria asks you as she moves her hand away.

"No you can pick." You tell her and she nods. "Is it okay if we make something light so you can keep it down?" You nod at her question.

"How about chicken noodle soup? I'm sure your chef boyfriend has the things for it." She says teasing you about Minho and you nod.

"Minho almost has nothing in the freezer that's quick to eat and he currently put a ban on me cooking." You tell her while pouting remembering your boyfriends words.

"What did you do?" She asks laughing. "I tried making dinner and burned it. He banned me for life." You say sighing.

"Well I won't burn the food I promise and he didn't ban me." Maria says and you smile.

"You want to come watch me or would you rather stay in here and get more sleep?" She asks you.

"Is it okay if I stay in here and get some more sleep?" You ask her and she smiles nodding.

She helps you lay back down. Before you know it you fall back to sleep.

You're awoken by Maria lightly shaking you. "Hey I'm done with the food." She says and you sleepily sit up.

She places it in your lap. "Here." She says and you start eating the soup. Yet another wave of nausea rolls over you. Maria sees you move the bowl to the nightstand and rush to the bathroom.

She goes in there after you lifting your hair. "Are you okay?" She asks you and you nod giving a thumbs up.

It soon goes away faster than it did earlier. There's an open cabinet as she helps you back up and flushes the toilet. She looks at the the open cabinet and inside are a box of tampons and there's pads beside it.

"Hey Y/N?" Maria asks you and you look at her but her eyes are on the tampons and pads. You hum.

"When did you last have your period?" She asks you now looking back at you.

Your eyes go wide looking back at her. "You don't think I'm pregnant do you?" You ask her and she nods. You look at her wide eyed and she quickly helps you back to the bed.

"Do you want me to call one of the boys and see if they can pick up a few pregnancy tests?" She asks you but you shake your head.

"I don't want the boys knowing. Not until I know for sure." You tell her and she nods understanding.

"Can I call one of my boys to bring some?" She says grabbing her phone and you nod. She quickly goes through her contact list.

She pulls up one and puts it on speaker and the phone rings but is picked up by the first ring. "Hey love." You hear a voice says. "Hi yeo. I have a question do you think you can go to a store with Hwa and pick up something for me?" Maria asks him.

"Uh sure. What do you need?" He asks her and she lets out a sigh looking at you.

"I need some pregnancy tests." She tells him and the line goes quiet.

"Why do you need pregnancy tests?" He asks her. She looks at you seeing if you'd let her tell him.

"Oh God. Are you pregnant? Hongjoong is going to kill all of us." He says over the phone slightly panicking. You let out a little laugh and so does she.

You nod letting her know she can tell him though. "No I'm not pregnant but if I was Hongjoong can't be mad because it'd be all of your faults." She says laughing and she hears Yeosang let out a sigh of relief.

"It's for Y/N. We think she might be pregnant. Can you get a few different ones for us?" She asks him.

"Yeah. Let me go get Seonghwa. We'll be over soon." Yeosang says.

"I love you." Maria says to him and he sighs again relieved.

"I love you too." He replies back and she hangs up.

You look at each other and burst out laughing. "Would Hongjoong really have killed them?" You ask her and she shrugs.

"He was part of it so I don't know." She says laughing still.

She calms down laughing. She looks at you smiling.

"What are you going to do if you are pregnant?" She asks you.

"Set up an appointment to make sure." You tell her smiling.

"Are you going to find out which ones the father?" She asks you and you shake your head.

"No. I don't think so. I don't think that'd matter to them and it doesn't matter to me anyways." You tell her and she nods.

"When are you going to tell them if you are?" She asks you and you take a deep breath.

"I'm not entirely sure." You say sighing.

"Well I think the sooner the better. The faster you do that the faster you can start planning for baby stuff." She tells you and you nod agreeing.

You guys continue talking about all the what ifs and soon there's a knock on the door. You and Maria get up going to it and Yeosang and Seonghwa are standing there.

You invite them and they go to the couch. Yeosang hands you the bag filled with tests. "We got you 3." Yeosang says looking at you and they nod.

You go to the bathroom and pull out the tests. You read the instructions the wait time on them being all the same and pee on the sticks. You set all 3 down on the counter and sigh. You wash your hands.

You walk out and Maria looks at you. You go to the couch sighing. "How long?" She asks you. You sigh "5 minutes."

"Are you ready for the results?" Seonghwa ask you. You nod and he smiles.

"What are you hoping the results are?" Yeosang asks you as he holds Seonghwas hand.

You sigh. "I hope it's Positive but I think I'll be fine even if it's Negative." You say and he nods.

"You guys have been together now for almost 4 years. So I'm glad this is something you want." Maria says and you nod.

"I hope this doesn't sound rude but do the boys want it?" Seonghwa asks and Yeosang elbows his boyfriend.

He glares at him and so does Maria. "Oh no that's fine. I mean I hope they do." You say smiling.

"Well then I'm sure it'll be positive then." Seonghwa says smiling at you.

"I think it's been almost 5 minutes. Do you want me to come with you?" Maria asks and you nod. She follows you into the bathroom and you take a deep breath.

"I don't think I can read this Maria." You say turning around and she hugs you.

"Do you want me to read them first?" She asks you and you nod. You move out the way so she can go to the counter. Her face shows no emotions not giving away what they say.

"Your turn." She says and backs up. You take steps over towards the counter.

You look down and they all read positive. You look at Maria who smiles at you. You start crying from how happy you were currently.

Maria goes up to you hugging you. "You're going to be a mom." She says and you can't believe the words that come out her mouth.

"You can come here Hwa and Yeo." She yells and she hears footsteps. Seonghwa and Yeosang look at you confused. Maria smiles and they know they all must read positive.

"I thought this was something you wanted?" Yeosang says and you nod.

"It is. I'm just so happy." You say and Yeosang and Seonghwa nod smiling at you.

You cry into Maria who just lets you cry happy tears until you calm down. "Okay maybe now I want to be pregnant." Maria says as she helps you throw away the tests and clean up.

"Go talk to Joong about that. If he agrees I think we'd all be more than willing to." Seonghwa says leaning his head on his boyfriend.

"We've been together for 5 years. A baby wouldn't hurt anything." Maria says to her boyfriends and you laugh.

"Maybe you guys should talk to Hongjoong then." You say and she looks at them pouting.

"Okay fine. We'll talk to him." Yeosang says giving in to her. "What's the worst that can happen? He says no?" Yeosang says shrugging.

"That'd be so cool. Me and you both being pregnant and our kids growing up with each other." She says smiling while looking at you and you smile at her back.

"Wait a minute. Now I have to apologize to Hyunjin because he didn't give you food poisoning." Maria says and you laugh.

You all head back to the living room and the door opens revealing all 8 of your boyfriends. Their eyes fall on you as half of them immediately come up to you.

Changbin comes to you picking you up and spinning you. He kisses you and you hear a gagging sound and look at Maria. "Don't act like they don't do that either." You tell her and she smiles.

"Oh Wooyoung does worse." Seonghwa says laughing.

"We've come home from practice and Wooyoung has jumped on her on more than one occasion causing them both to fall onto the couch." Yeosang says laughing and Maria rolls her eyes.

"What are you guys doing here?" Chan asks them with an eyebrow raised. Their eyes dart to yours and Marias.

"We got bored and Y/N and me wanted some company. That's okay right?" She asks Chan who nods even though he's slightly suspicious.

"I think it's time for us to go." Maria says and you nod waving to her as her, Seonghwa, and Yeosang leave.

"Did you miss us?"Changbin asks you and you nod as Jisung kisses all over your face.

"Did you end up eating anything?" Minho asks you.

You sigh as Changbin sits you on the couch with him. "Maria made chicken noodle soup but I ended up throwing it up." You say and Minho sits on the couch beside you.

"Do you think you could go get me some chocolate covered strawberries?" You ask Minho who raises an eyebrow.

"You want chocolate covered strawberries but can't keep down chicken noodle soup?" He asks you and you nod.

Chan comes up to you. "I don't think you need that at the moment." Chan says and you don't know why but tears come to your eyes. Before you know it you're crying on Changbins lap.

The boys look at you concerned. "I want chocolate covered strawberries." You say emotional as you sob on Changbins lap.

"Please don't cry okay? We'll get you chocolate covered strawberries." Chan says rubbing your back calming you. It doesn't take long before your sobs are now hiccups.

"Me and Minho will go get you chocolate covered strawberries right now okay? So please don't cry anymore." He tells you and you nod.

Him and Minho look at each other putting their shoes back on and Changbin holds you rubbing your back as they leave.

"You okay baby?" He asks you and you don't even know why you were crying.

"I'm okay." You say as Felix leans his head on Changbin looking at you.

"Good." He says letting out a sigh of relief. Seungmin sits on the edge of the couch watching you with a raised eyebrow. You were never this emotional, not even on your period.

Seungmin wasn't the only one who had noticed that. Hyunjin had an eyebrow raised too. What had happened in the last couple hours to make you so sensitive about chocolate covered strawberries?

You lean into Changbins chest as he wraps his arms around you holding you until your boyfriends came back. In the door walks a soaked Chan and Minho but they have exactly what you asked for.

"You're so damn lucky we love you." Minho grumbles as he shuts the door. He reminded you of a soaked cat.

"Here love." Chan says as you sit up in Changbins lap. "Again as your boyfriend I advise you not to eat them right now but you can go ahead if you want." Chan says and you feel bad but the urge to taste one overtakes it. You open it and bite into one. You finish it and you don't feel like puking your guts up.

The boys look at you in confusion considering that you had thrown up the chicken noodle soup earlier but currently were keeping down chocolate covered strawberries.

You offer them each one and they take it. Before long they're all gone. They all knew something was off at this point as Minho took the trash from you. "You feel better?" I.N. asks and you nod.

"Good." He says showing you his teeth with a smile.

Suddenly Minho comes into the living room. "Why are there tests in the trash?" Minho asks with an eyebrow raised at you.

"Tests?" Hyunjin replies back.

"What kind of tests?" Chan asks back to his younger boyfriend.

"Pregnancy tests." Minho says bluntly crossing his arms looking at you. All of the boys eyes fall on you.

You sigh as the boys wait for an answer. When you don't immediately answer Hyunjin speaks up. "Are they yours or Maria's?" Hyunjin asks you.

Your eyes meet his and you let out a breath you didn't know you were holding. "Mine." You say and the boys look at you in surprise.

"Are you messing with us right now? We're bring punked right?" Jisung asks you and gets a smack on the back of his head.

"After I had thrown up the chicken noodle soup Maria noticed that one of the cabinets was left open and noticed my stuff for my period. She asked me if I had period and I realized it's been a month. She called Yeosang and Seonghwa asked them to bring tests because I wasn't ready to tell you guys." You say looking down at the ground wanting to cry but a hand comes under your chin and makes you look up.

"It's okay love but why weren't you ready to tell us?" Changbin asks you and you shrug having no real answer.

"That's okay. What did the tests say?" Seungmin asks you and you let out another sigh.

"Positive. All 3." You say and the shocked faces return once again.

"You're pregnant?" Felix says mouth wide open in shock.

"I don't know for sure yet so we'll need to set up an appointment but yes." Suddenly you feel him picking you up and spinning you as he laughs. "You're pregnant." He shouts over and over and you can't help but laugh and feel dizzy. He puts you down and you stumble lightly.

Chan is quick to grab you and bring you into his arms. "Careful Lix. She's carrying our baby." Chan says holding you so you don't fall from the dizziness.

"Sorry. I'm just excited." Felix says smiling ear to ear.

You look over and you see Minhos hands covering his face as he sits on the couch. Chan lets go of you looking over at Minho. You make your way to him. "You okay?" You ask him and he looks up at you.

"Yeah. Just processing it." He says grabbing you and bringing you into his lap. He holds you against him and you lay your head on his chest.

"I love you so much. All of you." He says as you listen to his heartbeat.

"We love you too." You reply back. Minho sighs.

"There's no one else we'd rather have a baby with." Minho says letting you listen to his heartbeat.

"I hope not." You say laughing and Minho can't help but laugh at your joke too.

"I'm serious." He says after that. You nod against him.

You lift your head and look at the boys seeing Jisung pouting. "What's wrong with you Ji?" You ask him. You make grabby hands for him and Minho moves.

"Shouldn't it be the other way around?" Seungmin asks and you put a finger to your lips shushing him and he listens.

"Come here my baby." You tell him and he does exactly that. He goes up to you and you signal for him to sit in your lap. He whines embarrassed but does exactly that.

You wrap your hands around his waist and he rests his head in your neck clearly embarrassed. "What's wrong Ji?" You ask him and he sighs after getting over his embarrassment.

"Yeosang and Seonghwa knew before us." He says and it's muffled but you let out a slight laugh. "Don't laugh at me. I'm serious. Why did they get to know before us?" Jisung says looking at you now.

"They just happened to be here and they brought me the tests so of course I had to let them know. Plus I didn't technically tell them. Maria did." You say looking at him. He nods understanding but that doesn't make the pout leave his face. You kiss his lips and the pout leaves.

"You can get off her now. She's carrying our baby remember?" Seungmin says and Jisung gets to get off you but you keep your hands around his waist. "Stop being mean Minnie. Jisung is perfectly fine sitting on my lap it's not like he's pressing into my stomach." You tell him and he sighs.

"Not trying to. I'm just worried." He says coming up to you. You nod at his words as he kisses your forehead. "Don't be. I'm fine okay? Jisung sitting on my lap won't hurt me." You tell him intertwining your fingers together.

"Okay." He says and suddenly I.N. is on your other side.

"Who's going to the first appointment with you?" He asks and you shrug. His eyes light up. "Do you want to go with me Innie?" You ask him and he nods smiling.

You hear a whine come from Jisung. "You'll go with me to my next appointment okay?" You tell him and he nods.

"Do you want to find out which one of is the father? I mean I don't think it matters to us we're still going to love the baby and help you raise it all together." Hyunjin asks you.

"No. It doesn't matter much to me. Unless you guys would want to know?" You ask them. They all shake their heads.

"What do you hope it is?" Jisung asks to no one in particular.

"A girl. I want to dress her in the cutest little outfits. She'd look so cute." Felix says gushing over the baby.

"Well I want a boy. I also want to dress him in the cutest little outfits." Hyunjin says and you laugh.

"What about you Y/N?" Jisung asks you.

"I honestly don't care as long as they're healthy." You say and the boys nod at you smiling.

"Well whatever it is. We're happy as long as you are." Chan says kissing your lips.

"That's Chans way of saying he wants a boy." Jisung says but that earns him a pinch by Minho.

Chan rolls his eyes at his boyfriends antics. "If you're healthy and so is the baby I don't care." Minho says and you smile.

"I hope it's a boy." Jisung says excitedly and you laugh. "I can tell love." You say grabbing his hand bringing it to your lips to kiss.

Changbin leans against you. "A girl doesn't seem too bad." Changbin says happily.

"What about twins?" Seungmin says and you look at him rolling your eyes with a smile.

"You think we all can take care of 2 kids?" You tell him and he nods. "There's 9 of us. Of course we can." Seungmin says.

"I hope it's twins now." Jisung says and he brings a hand to your stomach.

"I'm not sure what you're expecting to feel because they're still growing." You tell him and he shrugs.

"Doesn't matter. You're having one or two of our babies." Jisung says happily.

I.N. grabs one of your hands. "I think a girl and a boy would be adorable." He says telling you.

"Even if it's only one we can always try again." Hyunjin says smiling mischievously and he gets hit on the back of his head.

"Do you only ever think about sex?" Minho asks him and Hyunjin pouts.

"Of course not. I was just saying." Hyunjin says and you kiss his lips.

"Maybe Jinnie." You tell him and he smiles.

"You need to get some sleep love. I'm sure you're still exhausted." Chan says and you nod.

"Yeah." You say and Jisung moves off of you.

You make your way to the room followed by the 8 boys who are watching your every step. This was going to be a difficult time but at least you had your 8 boyfriends.

Taglist: @queenmea604 @lolareadsimagines @tinyworld18 @liv302 @jinniespuppy @stephy-nicole13 @freyaniobe @chansbabygirlsstuff @jkookiejiminlvr @hyuneyeon @sirenthalia @nagadiluc @tenshimara @leeknowleeknow @boi-bi-ahaha @shltsnglggles @jfkedldndkd @tinystarsthing @armystay89 @baby-fairy-yas @haileybugulug @freckleboilix @im-sinking-in-mud @thatoneperson1911 @lmaouwu @greysweaters-blog @katrodriguez99 @3rachasninja @amararosesblog @1alesakura @m4gg13-g @vampcharxter @noellllslut @berryberrytan @junebug032 @jeonginwvr @jeongchaos @emyferra08 @stvrfir3 @feybin @mauvemelon @worcesheshestershiresauce @realrintaro @katsukis1wife @foliea @krishastumblernow @pretty-blkgirl @mrsseochangbin @cyberpunksunwoo @nobody3210

[russellsppttemplates]

We'll be just fine (Pierre Gasly

Misunderstandings take a toll on your and Pierre's marriage

Note: english is not my first language. this is another long piece that I hope will make me keep up with posting a bit more regularly, and while I'm pretty sure it's not that good, as I'm not the best at writing angst, I'm working on it so I hope this is at least not awful.

Thank you so much to everyone who likes and reblogs, your feedback is appreciated 🤍 and I'm taking requests so if you have any ideas or concepts you want to share, feel free to do so as I'll try to get to them the best I can!

my masterlist

Tw: miscommunication, drinking heavily, curse words

You walked around your bedroom, grabbing the last few things before you left the house to go out with your friends for some food and drinks, thinking of texting Pierre that you'd be going out with Anna and that she would bring you home since she was on antibiotics, bless her, so she would be the one driving, but refrained from doing so because you would come home earlier than he would anyway, his meetings lasting longer and longer these days.

The marriage had been going through a rough patch, and while you had both admitted that you'd both need to put in the work for it to go forward, Pierre felt like it wasn't going anywhere. None of the efforts were making it worse, that was for sure, but it wasn't going maybe as fast as he had hoped. He still felt some distance on your part some days, and he was cautious of your boundaries, not wanting to overwhelm you and, in part, he was happy that you were taking some time for yourself to enjoy with your friends.

In the bar you and your friends had decided to spend the night, drinks kept coming to the table while you spoke about whatever came up, "are you okay, Y/N?", Anna asked, nudging your side when the rest of the group had to make a bathroom trip, "yeah, just tired from the week", you offered, not really wanting to dwelve into your thoughts since the therapy session alone that week had been intense and full of things to sort out on your own. Drinks kept coming and while you weren't too drunk, tipsy was also a word that couldn't describe how much you had in you.

"I'll drop Y/N home, guys", Anna said to the rest of the group as they arranged their own rides since Lucie's husband had volunteered to take them home. Sitting in her car, you opened the window so you could feel the cool breeze on your face, "are you good? Do you need to stop?", Anna asked you, "I'm good, just a little bit tipsy, but no throw ups, don't worry", you said, grabbing your purse to text Pierre that you were on your way home and seeing a couple of texts and missed phone calls, "Oh, but he's worried now", you mumbled, locking your phone once you noticed you were getting in the road you lived in, "thank you so much, Anna. I hope I wasn't too bad", you mumbled as she walked with you to the front door, "you're fine, not the worst I've seen you, I have to say", she smiled, "you'll be okay?", she asked, "yes, I will", you reassured her, "I'll be good", you said as you heard the door open unexpectedly, seeing Pierre greeting Anna, thanking and wishing her a safe ride home, the whole scene seemingly slower than it probably was.

Getting inside, you heard Pierre close the door before he sighed, "I'm sorry I didn't text or call back, but when we were at the bar, the signal wasn't the best and I couldn't hear it. When I saw the notifications, I was already at the top of the road", you explained, sensing that the sigh would come with a scold from him.

"I was worried about you! You guys don't usually stay out for this long, and this was when I assumed you were with them from your hand I recognised in their stories", Pierre began, "and you didn't tell me anything, I didn't even know where you were, and you didn't answer your phone!", he snapped, "something could've happened to you and I didn't know where you were or how you were!".

Rubbing your temples, you manage from look up at him, the frustration clear in your voice as you spoke, "I left the house with my friends, to finally spend a night where I don't have to think if I put a foot wrong with you or if I am too much trouble or if I'm not keeping the promises or the behaviour that I should", you yelled, tears brimming your eyes.

"You didn't tell me where you were going, I have a right to be worried for my wife!", Pierre pointed his finger, and you broke down, "Why do you care? It's not like I matter to you anymore", you hiccuped, letting your mouth speak what was inside.

"What?", Pierre asked, not expecting that to be your answer, listening closely while you walked to the other side of the living room.

"Why are you so bothered by this? Why do you care so much? You barely ask me anything these days, you don't ask where I'm going, or what I've been doing. You don't care wether I've had a good day or a bad day, you don't care to know how I've been... you don't care about us...", you finished, tears falling from your eyes give that your futile attempt to stop them didn't work.

Shaking his head, Pierre looked at you, "is that what you think this is? That I don't care about you? That I don't care about us? Y/N, no, absolutely no", he stated, "I thought you needed some time to yourself, that you wanted to set some boundaries and so I didn't want to pressure you, or make you feel like I was controlling you", he gulped, "I never wanted it to seem like I didn't care about you", he explained, "I care about you, mon amour. Fucking hell, I don't think I've ever loved anyone like I love you", he admitted, making you look at him, still keeping a distance between you, "Sometimes I don't feel it", you admitted back.

Sighing, you wiped your eyes one last time, feeling the waterfall finally stop, "I don't know how to deal with this, with not knowing how you truly are doing, if I can ask for something or not", you mumbled, feeling lightheaded from the alcohol and choosing to sit on the sofa, "are we condemned to this?", you asked out loud and to no one in particular, you guessed, until Pierre knelt in front of you, "you don't seem bothered by this, but I am! Every spare moment of my thoughts I have, I'm thinking about this, wether or not we can make it work, wether you care about me or about enough to not let this go. I miss you, I miss us", you let out a shuddered breath.

Pierre was lost. He truly didn't think he was behaving like that, as in his mind, he was just giving you some space and allowing you to set your boundaries, but miscommunication clearly got the best of you two, "Mon amour, I never wanted you to feel like this. I'm truly sorry for making you feel like this. I love you, I love you so much and I'll spend everyday of my life reminding you of it", he said, grabbing your hand as you looked at him, "one step at a time, we'll do this", he rubbed your hands, "we can work through this, I know we can", he stated.

"What if we loose ourselves again?", you whispered, the fear you felt contrasting with your voice's volume, "we get back to eachother. We will talk about everything, we can't leave eacother in the dark. Anything that happens, good or bad, small or big, we talk it over. We go to eachother and ask what we want to know. And it doesn't matter if we get mad at eachother, because we love eacother beyond that, and we'll get through it", he comforted, making your hands hold his, squeezing them, "we'll be just fine".

[forthereaderinserts]

here it is

the writing

sorry if this is garbage lol I have smiling friends brain rot

tw for bad mental health

~|~|~

Your first meeting with the 'Smiling Friends' didn't go exactly as planned. When you had contacted them, you had been in one of the worst mental health spots of your life. This silly-sounding company was your last hope.

When they finally showed up at your doorstep, they were greeted by the stench of depression and old takeout, as well as your ragged form dressed in dirty clothes and sporting ratty hair.

Holding back a cringe at the smell that wafted out the wide open door, Pim put on a brilliant smile and introduced himself and his companion, Charlie. He was slower to suppress his reaction, causing you to blush in embarrassment.

"Hello! My name is Pim and this is my good friend Charlie. We heard you weren't feeling to good, so we're here to put a smile on that lovely face of yours!"

There was a pause in the conversation as he waited for your response, but the sheer force of his unbridled positivity had sent you into a spiral. Charlie, noticing your subtle yet labored breathing and the slight shake you had taken on, was quick to set a new pace.

"Uhm- Hey, why don't we come inside. Talking in the doorway is a little weird, huh?"

That snapped you out of your mental funk, ushering them in with small 'sorry's'. You nudge aside some trash in a feeble attempt to clear a path to your couch. The whole time, the two critters were accessing the situation and coming up with a plan to help you get into a better place.

Once everyone was able to sit down, Pim picked up where he left off, making sure to keep his enthusiasm low.

"So, it looks like you've been a bit depressed lately. I think I know exactly how to help!"

Charlie carried the flow, "We're gonna start by picking up some of the junk. A lot of studies say that your environment plays a big part in your mental health."

Nervousness clawed at your soul, trying to get a solid grip to sink it's teeth down and send you into a full panic. The thought of cleaning was so anxiety inducing and exhausting. It's not like you hadn't tried, but it usually ended with you crying and nothing getting done. You didn't notice but tears had started pricking at your eyes, trailing down your cheeks like hot lava.

When it was clear that you weren't responding anymore, Pim turned to Charlie and tried to figure out how they could turn this disaster of a job around. They decided that Pim would start by gathering up trash and spoiled food into the bin while Charlie sat with you and got you to calm down.

Nodding firmly at each other, they got to work. Charlie moved his chair closer to you and slowly grabbed your hands, stopping you from picking at your cuticles. Your head shot up and you locked eyes with the yellow man. Looking back down at your touching hands, your eyes flickered between that and his face. This might have been the first time you've felt physical contact, let alone comfort, in months.

As soon as he could tell you weren't on the verge, Charlie started to talk softly to you. About nothing important, just some posts he'd seen on the internet, what he'd eaten today, and his opinions on whatever he could think of. His main goal was to distract you while Pim cleaned enough so that it wasn't too overwhelming. He has even piped up a couple times to joke with his friend.

By the end of the day, the living room and adjacent hallway were livable and you were in a much better mood. Technically, you had smiled far earlier into the session, but Charlie and Pim were having such a good time just chatting and tidying that they kept working. This was one of their easiest jobs so far. No guns, no heartbreak, no death. Just talking and cleaning.

When it came time for the two of them to leave, you were disappointed. This was the happiest you'd been in such a long time. They knew that too, so before they walked out the door, they turned to you and offered their numbers. When you looked confused, they explained that they felt you weren't quite ready for normal life again, no offense. They wanted to get you set up with a therapist they had contacts with and maybe even start some medication.

At their words, you teared up again, but this time there was a giant smile stretching your mouth. Surprising the critters, you pulled them into a tight hug and whispered a gentle 'thank you'. This was the best day of your life, you think.

~|~|~

sorry the ending is so rushed I just wanted to get something out lol

[qqueenofhades]

thank you for your post i’m doing my best to stay informed on the conflict and i’m very young. i feel guilty being quiet as i understand to uplift voices helps prevent their silencing but this has lead me to not critically think about what i’m spreading

it’s been a long month. i’m only a kid and watching the world go to shit like this has been awful, I always wondered how millennials who lived through post nine eleven imperialism coped and god i’m still not sure how.

I am as a white gentile in a position of privilege and mostly my own person is unaffected by the uptick in violence and evil in the world right now. But my friends who i see every day are in more danger due to this conflict and i feel awful that i cannot ever fully understand or fix the deaths of people.

Right now I’m being a bit too reactionary. I’m doing my best but in the end I am not immune to fearmongering and propoganda, especially in these last couple sleepless weeks.

So thank you and everyone who is keeping level heads and desconstructing what’s happening. I’m sorry and i strive to be better. Thank you.

To anyone living in fear right now i’m so sorry. I will listen when you speak.

Once again I just want to say that I am a busy and uninformed student, and I wish that i had more teachers and authority figures that had objective facts to tell me. It’s suffocating to have fake news everywhere but feel powerless if you don’t know anything

it’s ok if you don’t respond to this

Thank you for your post

Thanks for this message and for taking the time to put it into words and to reflect on your own actions and rhetoric. It takes a lot of courage and self-awareness to admit that you were wrong and that you want to do better, and I'm not going to rip into you or blame you or otherwise shame you for it. So I hope this gives you the confidence to read on without feeling like you'll be raked over the coals for it, and open you to hear some ideas for doing things differently.

First, I do have a ton of sympathy for you as a young person who feels overwhelmed and exhausted by all the evil in the world, and is wondering how to get through it, react to it, or otherwise make some kind of moral response in the face of this soul-crushing trauma. I will say here that I am a little bit older than your average Tumblr user (the majority of this site is in their early-mid twenties), I do personally remember 9/11 and its aftermath when a lot of people here weren't even born yet, and I am an academic historian with a doctorate. That does not mean I am better or smarter or More Perfect or whatever at what I say, but it means that I do have a considerable amount of institutional, formal, and professional practice at analyzing a lot of complex information, putting it into words, breaking it down for less-specialist audiences, pointing out logical fallacies, and so forth.

That is not a skill that everyone has, and in the face of nonstop 24-hour news-cycle social media information overload, it can be incredibly difficult to parse it or understand how you're supposed to respond to it or what your moral obligation in response to this knowledge might be. I wrote this ask the other day in response to someone else asking how to improve their critical thinking skills and be more discerning about what they understood, shared, and analyzed. I strongly encourage you to read it, as it addresses a lot of what you're saying about feeling negative, depressed, panicked, angry, and all the other emotions that are naturally evoked in you from reading this stuff nonstop and feeling like the only thing you can (or should) do is immerse your brain in it at all times. In short, that is absolutely the worst environment to do actual substantial analysis or critical thinking, and it is designed so on purpose.

It has been said before, but it bears repeating: the human brain simply is not designed to be constantly aware of all the atrocities in the world and thus (thanks to social media) feeling as if the only way they can do anything about it is to then post the Correct Opinions on social media (regardless of whether these are informed or relevant or otherwise useful). Especially now, the rush to demonstrate Correct Thinking has warped a lot of otherwise well-meaning young people into becoming eager disinformation mouthpieces. There are a TON of explicitly bad-faith actors and far-right fascists who are posting pro-Palestine content (factual or uh, otherwise) because they know that's an instant way to get an audience of said young left-leaning people who will then be suckered into and exposed to their far more dangerous content and mindset, because that is how radicalization works. Even in the support of an obviously worthy cause, you and everyone else ARE NOT IMMUNE to fearmongering, disinformation, and virulently anti-Semitic propaganda, especially when it's being eagerly and constantly offered in a deliberate attempt to radicalize you further into violence and conspiracy theories, turn you against other vulnerable groups and people, and explicitly disengage you from the electoral/political process, which will harm the Democrats and other liberal establishment parties in favor of more far-right radical fascist theocrats and otherwise make everything, everywhere, many orders of magnitude worse.

I know the feeling that you need to do something, and since you're a long way from the conflict, it seems as if posting on social media is the best and/or the only way to go about it. In that environment, and especially right now, you will make mistakes. I know it is difficult in an online environment where popularity or acceptance by your peers often rests on never being wrong about anything (i.e. saying the same thing everyone else is saying), but it always helps to think about what you're doing, what you're saying, and if you actually need the approval of people who are conditioning you, implicitly or explicitly, into negative and violent ideological nihilism.

The hardest thing to understand is that yes, there is a lot of terrible shit going on in the world; no, you cannot personally fix it and you have to accept that as a limitation; yes, there are many multiple and complex causes and reasons for its existence and there is almost never a black-and-white simplistic moral solution that just hasn't been magically implemented yet; yes, it is always worth it to take the time to inform yourself and consider what you're saying, where it comes from, who it helps and who it hurts, and why you feel the need to say it in the first place. Of course you want to help. Of course you want to stop the needless suffering and death that has gone on in the world for millennia and unfortunately, as long as humans are humans, will continue to do so. But even so, take it away Gandalf:

[angstemperor]

My thoughts on the friendzone

Original post is by wendycorduroy, can't find it, the account got moved and post deleted, and the image isn't loading properly so here's the link

And here's my story.

When I was 12, there was Stefan. We would walk every day in the mornings talking about Skylanders, my favorite game at the time. He seemed to be the only person who knew what they were and didn't think me childish for liking a game like that. We would walk in the mornings when my usual partner in crime wasn't there yet. We'd talk over lunch and during recess. About everything from games to psychology and heavy medical topics that would've gotten pity from really anyone else. We were sort of in the same friend group, both of us outsiders, but we found company in each other. He asked me if I'd date him one day when we were alone on a play structure, just sitting up high where it was quiet and I asked weren't we too young for things like that? He said no, that everyone else was doing it already. I was astonished to find out it wasn't all a joke, so I declined as gently as I could. The next day, I could've find him. In class, he didn't talk to me. He left a note in my locker saying he'd need time away from me to deal with his emotions. I was confused but let him do his thing.

When I was 13 there was Stefan again. It had been somewhere around a year after he last asked, wondering if I had changed my mind. By now, I was well aware of asexuality and declined his offer, explaining it to him and assuring that I wasn't doing this because i was upset with him or anything. (I didn't understand any of this stuff and I still don't, but I didn't know what words to use). Again, he left a note for me saying he'd need some time to get over his feelings.

When I was 14 there was Stefan again and there was our (his and my) friend Jason.

The day of our middle school graduation, they called it, we had a school dance. I had brought a notebook and pencil with me because I just wanted to sit in the corner and write, since reading books weren't quite allowed - I had asked - and i didn't have a choice not to go. For the past 6 years, I had never really been fond of him, but that year it seemed like he really needed a friend and I decided to give him a try. I would sit with him when he was alone, check in with him and let him talk about what was going on. if he didn't want me to be there, I'd leave. If he didn't want to talk, I'd just do my own thing and stay nearby. All through middle school, we were the only two during slow dances who were left standing alone and I remember the first time it happened, we saw each other, shrugged, and danced. We chatted a bit, it started rumors, of course, but we assured each other we were just friends. At the start of the event, he asked for my notebook and pencil because he needed to write a note for someone. I said sure, but please make it fast. I checked in multiple times if he was done and he kept saying 'not yet', 'not yet'.

Because of him, nobody left me alone. The student council tried to drag me up to dance, some people tried multiple times. It wasn't until I finally stood and just stared with the most annoying expression that they finally gave up. Some of the teachers even tried to get me to dance and I was getting more pissed by the minute. FINALLY at the end of the dance, right as he was leaving, he gave me a folded piece of paper and returned my notebook and pencil, instructing me not to open it until I got home. He then immediately left and I, being upset, immediately read it out loud to my friends. it was a confession, a Thomas Sanders pickup line ("they'll never find your body...more beautiful than I do"), and his email. Despite the overwhelming resentment over what happened at the dance, I sent a nicely worded email turning him down and he never talked to me again. A couple years later I found out he SA'ed the closest thing I have to a sister. he put together that I was reading their messages in real time - she wanted me to see - and he got extremely upset. I remember simultaneous rage and fear that he could've done it to me, but he did do it to someone I care about. The confusion over why someone would think that was okay.

Mind you, I was never touchy with either of these people.

When I was 15, there was Stefan again, and this time over text, asking if I had changed my mind. We shared classes in high school so avoiding me wasn't quite possible, but he didn't seem very hopeful this time anyways. I had changed my name and come out as trans at this point.

When I was 16, there was Stefan again. Somewhere between 10 and midnight. He asked if there was any chance at all that I had changed my mind and I agreed to date him because I felt so awful about hurting him, but the moment I agreed I was flooded with dread. I couldn't sleep, I felt sick, but I was giving it a shot on the basis that he knew and understood that this was an experiment. That I didn't feel the way he did, but I was willing to try. We would meet up before school and just hang out. One time my friends met up with me and pulled me away with an excuse. They made sure we were out of earshot and eyeshot then asked if I was okay because I "looked ready to run" and they had never seen me that on edge before. They gave me the courage to break up with him, assuring my wellbeing was more important than this, but that wasn't the whole story.

At one point, he asked if he could deadname and misgender me to his family because he wasn't comfortable with someone thinking he was gay. I was not okay with that. My deadname physically hurts me to hear - that was how I figured out I wasn't okay with it. My boss called my name and it felt like I was being stabbed in the heart. I felt sick and faint. I wasn't about to let him do this. I asked him multiple times what he wanted out of this. He said holding hands, walking around and kissing every now and again. I was fine until he said kissing, which made nausea surge against my throat. I hate kissing for two reasons. 1, I just think it's gross, and 2, I have been forced to kiss and forcefully kissed by relatives. It's not something I'm okay with.

When I finally broke up with him, it was the week before Valentine's. Neither of us had plans, neither of us were fond of the day, and i couldn't take anymore. I want to say he had just gotten us matching bracelets, but every time I tried to mention breaking up the topic would switch to some kind gesture before I could even type the message. I finally broke up with him and I could've cried from the relief. Until he started accusing me of using him, that he was just an experiment to me, that I didn't actually care and didn't feel the same. One of the breaking points was I asked him if he'd ever go to one of my concerts - hearing loss doesn't stop either of us from enjoying music - and he said yes but he wouldn't enjoy himself. He'd just go because it was me.

It's been another 5 years since that happened. I have tried to stay in touch with him over the years because all through this we had stayed friends, and we stayed friends before so why couldn't we now. To date he is the biggest horror story nerd I know, and he's hard of hearing too so I never got dragged for not hearing properly. Every now and again, I'll miss talking to him. I'll miss his company and his friendship, but then I have to wonder if he really actually ever cared at all or if I was just someone he liked.

Would he ever genuinely be happy for what I'd accomplish or would it only ever just be because he liked me?

To everyone who has ever been friendzoned and complains about it, at least you know they genuinely enjoyed your company for who you were.

To everyone who has ever been romance-zoned, I am so sincerely sorry for the loss of your friend.

[selflovewarrior]

hey sweeties!

a new update on the life of Soetkin:

so a couple of weeks after my last post(s) i started a treatment program of three group therapy days a week. it was at a local general hospital, so no specialised program i suppose. while my expectations weren't very high and i saw it more as a tool to not sink deeper into depression and anxiety while i waited out till it would be my turn on the waiting list for the program i actually thought would help me, i quit this program halfway though my planned time there. i felt a lot worse during therapy as it progressed than i did at home. i looked so forward to it being over because i was extremely anxious and felt like i was killing myself on the inside when i was there. home was my safe space, the total opposite of how therapy felt for me. and believe me i know that it's kind of expected that you'll feel worse for a bit during intense therapy since you start opening up and stop running away from what you feel and think. so i quite suddenly quit.

(since this post ended up becoming what resembles a whole novel, i'm going to cut in here so people who don't care don't have to scroll through it ;) anyway it's not all bad if you want to read on, it actualy quite hopeful, the start just isn't very much so.)

i had a plan to pick up some creative activities at facilities for disabled folks, which i have got a government recognition for. i found a place i could start at fairly quickly, i haven't gone very often yet, but all in all i felt such intense relief when i didn't have to go to group therapy there anymore.

i'm still overly anxious and get very (extremely) easily overwhelmed by everything in this world: sounds, proximity, weather. but i am not as deeply depressed anymore. i'm actually feeling more like my regular self in that regard.

i can start the pre-program i've been waiting for since november in two weeks (and the full program one month later) and i'm so very hopeful for the future. i'm not where i used to be yet, but i'll get there, i'll get beyond there. I've already learned more about myself these past 8-9 months, things i never really considered or took seriously. while it still feels strange to say i most probably also have adhd (i got my autism diagnosis as a kid). a lot of the stuff i also struggle with seems to always have something to do with dopamine. i also probably have DCD (i still find it out they didn't look into this when i was in residential treatment when i got my autism diagnosis, but they still mentioned me randomly walking into doorframes and stuff instead of through the doorframes). i'm learning to give myself more time regarding my DCD when doing stuff that's hard(er) for me. even stuff like taking the laundry out of the machine etc. or walking up or down stairs. i'm starting to stop caring about other people being faster. the recognition of that DCD element for myself is a huge thing towards self-acceptance. i now also realise my brand of neurodivergence comes with rejection sensitive dysphoria, which explains SO FUCKING MUCH OMG.

this bout of urgent mental health issues also came with more physical issues than i've ever experienced before. which felt odd, and mostly unexpected. i've had more visits to a physiotherapist than the rest of my life combined these past few months. i also struggled with eating, but not ED wise this time, that part of me is actually doing quite well this time, which is also unexpected but yay. i mostly didn't have the energy to lift my fork and everything tasted meh. but that part is also a lot better now, still happens sometimes, but it's far better now. (i also lost a lot of hair because of it, which is growing back now, so i have plucks of toddler hair in my face all the time, and let me tell you toddler hair is a lot more annoying than baby hairs, they're too short to go anywhere, and too long to not be an annoyance). my last post also came as i was only just healed from what could've been covid, or something similar. but the worst infection i've had since 2020 (and i have had it several times). I always got booster shots (since i worked at a hospital) and never was very inconvenienced, let alone for over a week. but my symptoms now started on new year's day (yay me) and lasted for about a month and they were unpleasant and painful. i guess i partially ought to thank the booster shots in the past for not getting that ill, but i also think i kinda blew my immune system over by not eating properly.

anyway, so here we are. my husband who's a teacher in upper secondary school has started his summer holidays, he's actually had a rather nice last month of the school year since his pupils' finals were evenly spread out for him so he didn't have to rush correcting them.

we're also in a very good place now. i'm so happy and grateful this guy is my husband, that i can call him mine, that we're us. he's also started therapy for his OCD, and while he was terrified he's doing so well, i'm really impressed (a bit scared too though that he might be taking on a bit too much at once in therapy). we're building a sturdy base for our future together (with hopefully a kid at some point sooner rather than later). He's feeling more sad about having to postpone our starting a family plans due to all of this, but we also both see this as a huge opportunity to become even better parents. and in a way we're quite lucky this all happened before i got pregnant and not during or after. not to say it can't or won't happen again, but then we'll be even more prepared to take on this challenge again than we were / are now.

anyway: i still have a long and scary road ahead of me, but i'm not at the start anymore, i've already been hiking for a bit and i'm hopeful about seeing the sun rise beautifully overhead once more.

i also really really really want to reblog stuff for this blog again, and more frequently. i am however still struggling with energy, spoons are often very depleted. i even have a very hard time editing my own pictures and it's not like i've taken many these past 10 months. i've also had people i know irl reach out to me because i'm so absent on all social media and that's very unlike me. and them asking me about it, gives me the feeling that i actually do might belong here and with those people and that people actually care and that i'm missed. and that's a bewildering but amazingly heart warming feeling, that's kind of new to me.

hope to be back sooner next time!

thank you guys so so much for sticking with me, for reblogging my old posts, for sharing positivity on this website and hopefully to people you think need it, including yourself! thank you to all new followers, you're seen! you're loved! you're appreciated!

x Soetkin

[lantur]

I can't believe I haven't written in almost two weeks. :// I really regret falling so behind with journaling on here. I want to get back to it, because it helps me process my thoughts. Long post underneath the read more.

notes on life,

I was thoroughly overwhelmed by my work trip two weeks ago, but I was delighted to get to see @thatisadamnfinecupofcoffee and @annespelledwithane again. Spending time with them (going out for ramen and to the prettiest tea house in the East Village, and then eating an entire buffet of desserts from two different bakeries, and staying up until 2 AM) was a mini-vacation I very much needed.

It took me a whole week to recover from being out of town for a few days. :// I truly don't bounce back from travel the way I used to a few years ago...

I've been in my new job for almost exactly one month now. The challenging transition phase is over. I'm still adjusting to being way busier than I used to be, putting a lot more mental effort in. It's tiring. Every day, I do roughly as much work as I used to do in one week at my old job, so I have to work faster and harder than I used to before. It makes the days go by super fast, which is disorienting. I feel like February just started, but actually the month started eight days ago.

I've been trying to keep on top of my personal goals despite all of that. I've been enjoying swimming and yoga. I cooked a new recipe, halal cart chicken and rice, and it turned out really good. I'm hoping to cook two more new recipes before the end of this month. I finished my audiobook of The Scorpio Races by Maggie Stiefvater, and it was so good that I kept thinking of the ending for days after I finished it. I started listening to My Best Friend's Exorcism by Grady Hendrix a few days ago as well.

I had my long-awaited psychiatrist appointment yesterday. I was nervous, but the psychiatrist was very kind and empathetic, and she is also another WOC. She has suggested starting a new medication to treat type 2 bipolar disorder. I'm nervous, but hopeful that this could help me.

I've been going through pelvic floor physical therapy as well for the past couple of weeks, which is quite a time and energy commitment - weekly appointments with the PT, and regular practice at home. It's tiring, on top of everything else going on with work, social life, home maintenance, exercise, etc., but I'm hopeful that this too will help me address longstanding issues with excessive pelvic floor tightness. I wish it could be fixed quickly, but I think it might take months to sort out.

I've been enjoying spending time with Derek playing board games, and cuddling my cat Westin and watching The Wire at night/in the evenings after work. The quiet time really helps me recover before the next work day.

I have been loving watching The Last of Us.

I had a wonderful time hanging out with my little nieces, five and almost three years old, on Saturday and playing hide and seek with them. <3

I had a dream that really hit me hard a couple of nights ago. I dreamed I got to see my brother again. We hung out, and I gave him a big hug. I was adopted, so we weren't raised together. We only saw each other once every few years, until our families became estranged. I haven't seen him in 10 years now, as we live in different countries. We're in touch occasionally over text. I wrote on here last fall that I thought I processed my grief over that separation, and found surrogate siblings in my brothers- and sisters-in-law via Derek's family. So this dream hit me hard. I wouldn't have normally done this, but I sent my brother a short text tonight, just saying I was thinking about him and I hope he and his wife are doing well. It hurts a lot. I always wonder if I'm ever going to see him again. I would love to give him and my sister-in-law a hug.

I'm looking forward to therapy on Friday. I haven't been able to have an appointment in about three weeks or so, and I'm excited to be able to process my thoughts and feelings with my therapist, and getting back to doing that on here by myself as well.

[youthofpandas]

Kris year in review (in which i talk about everything i remember that i watched and played and read) bc I like to talk about things . this is so incredibly long do not feel like you have to look at this okay guys. okay. I already wrote this up so im just gonna post it

Games I played:

AI: The Somnium Files - a fantastic game I highly recommend if you like weird characters and stories and are a fan of visual novels/adventure games <3 super fun

13 Sentinels: Aegis Rim - AMAZING cast of characters and fun gameplay I didn’t want to stop playing, great plot I will be thinking about forever…

Bugsnax - very funny and cute and I loved catching every bugsnax and the fun characters I want to play the 2nd one when it comes out

Psyconauts - a cult classic for a reason. Loved it’s style but the final level is so bad I would not wish it upon my worst enemy. Looking forward to finishing 2 one day

Xenoblade Chronicles 3 - I haven’t gotten to finish this one yet (I got 80 hours in okay??) but I’m incredibly excited to get back to it. GOTY BABY!!! GAME OF ALL TIME!!

Nier Automata - ALSO THE GAME OF ALL TIME this is a must play it broke me it healed me it made me see the beauty of art and story telling that games are capable of it’s really just fantastic. for the love of god do not stop after ending A. Love this game so much.

Ongoing Manga I am currently reading

Chainsaw Man - starting off with the best one. CSM is so incredibly important to me and one of the best stories I have ever read. if you have talked to me at ALL you know how I cannot shut up about Denji and i AM NOT SORRY!!!

I Want to Hold Aono-kun so Badly I Could Die - fantastic supernatural/horror themed romance and one of my favorite romances I read this year

Black Clover - made me realize how truly trash bnha is at writing women lmao. Good battle shonen but nothing overwhelming special about it. It understands the basics and does them all well

D Gray Man - didn’t catch up on this one yet but it’s got great characters and some of the worst action paneling I’ve ever seen.

Dungeon Meshi - y’all were right it’s funny and can be very touching at time

A Condition Called Love - I can fix him romance but make it not feel toxic the manga. Super cute I love them.

Toilet Bound Hanako-kun - I feel like I started this last year but I know that can’t be true… supernatural + romance + cute art. It’s made me cry.

Jujutsu Kaisen - loved this baby and then I caught up to the current arc and it was the worst shit of all time. Megumi my depressed king.

Frieren Beyond Journeys End - fantastic please read it I love these bitches so much

Spy x Family - it’s SxF it’s good we all know this

Manga I finished reading

Cardcaptor Sakura - I think this is my first CLAMP manga I finished. LOVED sakura and shaoran they are so small. so many good aspects to this series and then all of the age gap bullshit is there so IDK hard to recommend but I enjoyed reading all of the parts that weren't about horrible relationships

Horimiya - CUTE I love romance where you get to follow them as a couple <3 there were a few bad spots in it (miyamura's piercings being compared to self harm in that one chapter.......???????) but over all a good read

Astra: Lost in Space - fun scifi adventure with good characters. pretty short and easy read. its fun

You Got Me, Senpai - SO CUTE one of the best relationships I've read in a manga. adorable.

Drowning Love - verrry good and complex, a mature story with darker elements (check out trigger warnings for it) and a very engaging coming of age story about two kinda horrible kids with too much attention pointed their way living in a small town. anime adaptation WHEN

Wake Up, Sleeping Beauty - super cute romance, supernatural elements. loved it

Orange - think this would be a perfect read if the time travel element wasn't explained like That and also Suwa >>> Kakeru and what they did to his character in that bonus story was just mean

Goodbye, Eri - everyone should read this. beautiful, stays with you. fantastic exploration on what arts purpose is

A Kiss, For Real - it was cute. the summary makes it sound more romance focused than it actually is, there is a lot of focus on the MCs journey of growth and what she wants to do with her life. Romance was cute but not exceptionally so

Takopi's Original Sin - overhyped as hell. depressing outlook on life. thought some of it was fine but it is overall too cruel to say i enjoyed it, especially with a cast this young

The Girl From The Other Side - I actually 100% cannot remember if I read this last year or not. anyways. BEAUTIFUL art, great characters, compelling mysteries

Junji Ito's Dissolving Classroom - not his best work by far, but it is one of his earliest so I don't care too much.

Spotless Love: This Love Cannot Be Any More Beautiful. - I haven't been adding the ones that aren't popular unless I really enjoyed them, but idk this one is just so wild I felt the need to throw it on here. girl who loves to clean x child assassin is certainly a relationship dynamic. they're funny

Anime I watched <3 THIS SECTION WILL BE LONG SORRY

Akiba Maid War - this is not very good but it is entertaining so...

Ano Hana - rewatched this one finally! still one of the best dramas of all time. did you know childe and jintan have the same english VA bc I know. I know this now.

BNA - the plot point about how the furries were victims in the literal real world holocaust made me kind of hate this I won't lie. also the best friend fox girl Nazuna is one of the most unbearable characters ever. when you lead a cult pretending to be an important religious figure to a culture you are not part of because you like attention i guess?? it is not a good look in a show that already deals so heavily in antisemetic themes & imagery for it's villains.... sorry to whoever recommended this to me :( great animation

Dance Dance Danseur - did not like the MC but I did like the FMC and Rival character, good animation. I read the authors shoujo title Drowning Love this year and it should've gotten the adaptation TBH but this was fine, last few episodes carried

Death Parade - rewatched this one this year and it is still amazing. OP is still one of the best out there.

Do It Yourself!! - not incredibly remarkable yuri bait with a fantastic art style. its fine if you like cute girls doing cute things while being gay genre

Erased - for a mystery story the culprit is laughably obvious. the rest of it is pretty good though. oh lol other than the weird jokes about the protags taste in girls but it never followed through on anything so compared to other series im too tired to care

Keep Your Hand's Off Eizouken - starts off strong but I couldn't keep caring by the end tbh. it does not help I started it and then stopped for like 7 months and then finally finished the show so that's probably rly affecting my feelings

Today's Menu for the Emiya Family - certified apron boy moment

Fire Force - do NOT fucking watch this show is is so actually bad. However. Arthur is so funny I have to finish the series

Fate/Stay Night: Unlimited Blade Works - rin best girl. maybe fate isn't so bad after all.

Fruits Basket (2019) all seasons - LOVE ME SOME SHOUJO!!!! it slays everyone needs to watch this NOW

Jujutsu Kaisen 0 - fantastic movie i need to watch it again

Kaguya-sama Love is War - only watched the first season but it's fun, not the best without breaks. the people saying this is the best animanga romance need to read more shoujo though

Mob Psycho 100 s3 - I cried. It's beautiful. I don't need to say anything else

NGE - this was a rewatch a long time coming. Truly didn't understand shit watching this as a teenager lol. it's better than I could've imagined and a lot of the criticisms i used to have were actually stupid and a byproduct of not understanding what it was doing

Sarazanmai - 10/10 gay kappa connections cycles trauma love mafia boxes cops otters I WANT TO CONNECT, but.........

spy x family s1 - its good its sxf

Zombieland Saga + Revenge - first idol anime I watched. the main girl was way too relatable for comfort. good time.

Movies I watched (I am bad at talking about movies sorry)

Turning Red - super good loved the everything I can’t believe it came out this year. I’ve watched it 3 times.

Scream (the entire movie series) - it’s scream baby idk what else to say. First one is fantastic the rest are okay I guess but man… that first one is just sooo good it’s hard to live up to it

The Sea Beast - fun movie! Almost forgot I watched it

Monster High: The Movie - perfection 10/10 high art it should’ve been called Monster High: The Film

Skinamarink - loooove me a horror movie that says fuck doing what other movies do I am doing my own thing. Did not actually love the thing it did but it’s definitely not a bad movie

Wendell & Wild - STOP MOTION SWEEP !!!! Great movie I will return to on future Halloweens. Think the plot got a bit too big for the movies runtime or whatever but I really don’t care bc it was good so whatever

Disney’s ZOMBIES trilogy - bad.

Disney’s Descendants trilogy - bisexual. Less bad than zombies

The VelociPastor - a masterpiece baby!!

Glass Onion - absolutely fantastic, words can’t describe how fun this movie is

Pinocchio - stunning stop motion and a beautiful story that brought me to tears. icon.

[felagund-fiollaigean]

Felagund's recollections of November 5th, 2020.

This time last year, I was completely bogged down and overwhelmed by college work. Fearful and uncertain of the future because of covid, fearful and uncertain of the future because our country was teetering on the edge of four more years of fascism. Checking the news every couple minutes - are the votes in yet? Will we see any relief to make this horrible year mean anything but death? To get away from the stress of papers and assignments and the world at large I go for a walk. Come back. Go to the bathroom and check Tumblr from the toilet (as you do) and I see... huh. that's weird. that's two consecutive posts abou- no, make that three consecutive posts about destiel. That's odd. I have some supernatural mutuals but this is unprecedented. Why is everyone talking about this. Let me see....

It's trending. Destiel is trending. There was a new episode airing tonight and now everyone's talking about it. I frantically send an ask to a supernatural mutual of mine. "Hey why is destiel trending are you guys doing okay over there?"

No. They are very much not doing okay over there. Slowly, it sinks in. I got confirmation. Destiel is canon. Destiel is canon. Destiel is canon.

Cas said, "I love you" to dean.

You know in that Christmas carol the little town of Bethlehem where it goes, "the hopes and fears of all the years are met in thee tonight?"

The hopes and fears of the last twelve years were met in that moment. every gay little bastard on this site who ever wished for something to come to pass we all knew deep down would never happen. the thing thousands of fanworks have been created in the name of despite the canon making no official concessions. the thing we stared at (and even if you weren't actually into supernatural, you know you did too) like a cat stalking a laser dot too high up on the wall to reach. the thing reveled in and talked about with the unspoken acknowledgement that it would only ever be a lovely dream.

That dream was real.

It sunk in.

Then I saw a clip of the scene itself. Dean is just staring at him with the stupidest non-expression I've ever seen. Cas gets dragged to hell immediately after the confession. The show did the one thing we always thought they would be too craven to do and immediately backtracked in the worst way possible. Or was it the best way possible? There is a strange kind of comfort in the awful-but-predictable, is there not?

We have, what. A minute? To absorb all this?

Then the rumor about Putin breaks, and that's when things actually start to get interesting.

That was the first time anyone learned about world events (albeit false ones) through the "I love you" meme. Destiel killed Putin. "I'll see you in hell you stupid fruit." Holy shit georgia's still blue. The term "superhell" is coined and infects the site's collective idiolect. Tumblr user is-destiel-canon-yet must be shooting rainbows out of their asshole. Sherlock series 5 and dashcon 2: electric boogaloo. This isn't even a fraction of everything that started happening that evening but its what I remember hitting the hardest. Destiel killed Putin. Could the world get any more weird? Destiel killed Putin.

It's at this point my mom knocks on the bathroom door and asks if I'm okay.

It's a fair question, bless her. I was making these awful, uncontrollable noises; wheezing and squeaking with laughter that was this (🤏🏻) close to tears. I assure her I'm fine. She doesn't 100% buy it (fair), but leaves me to it.

Cause how could I possibly explain any of this? "Well you see mom back in 2008 there was this show called supernatural and this one guy was in hell..." Like, no. Even if I could recount every event that lead up to this moment with perfect accuracy and coherence it still wouldn't make any sense. It was too big. There was too much. Hell, I lived it and I'm still not sure it makes any sense.

But I know what I was feeling. I know my face was bright red and my eyes were streaming, I know I couldn't stop giggling and occasionally going "oh my god" in utter disbelief. I had never been drunk or high before but I wondered if that's what it felt like. I felt like a participant in a Dionysian mystery. I was giddy. I was euphoric. If I could bottle the exact combination of hormones coursing through my bloodstream that night, I'd make a goddamn fortune. I knew there was no fucking chance of me focusing on school again for the rest of the night and we still don't know who's going to be leading our country for the next four years.

And the best thing about this, I think, is that I know the rest of you were feeling it too. I've seen countless posts and replies and memes talking about experiencing this night and how utterly insane everything was. How utterly insane we felt. And that has engendered a deep, compelling fondness for my fellow hellsite users in me, one that will never be forgotten.

Cause even if I can't explain that night to anyone I know, I know you get it.

That's special.

[halflingkima]

Slumpy First Chapter Test

I have not been reading. Moreover, I have not been liking what I'm reading. My average rating has been sub-2 stars all year. I want to fix this not so I read more, but so I can read books I really want to without my bad mood affecting the experience. It's been going so badly that I'm gonna start tracking my DNFs. I know I've put down at least 20 books in the last couple months bc they weren't working and ironically I feel like that's part of the mood. So I'm gonna track how far I get and where I stop (esp now that storygraph doesn't count them as 'unrated' or 'books read' anymore) so that i get a better view of how much i'm actually reading vs only what i finish.

as typical in my slumpy flailing, i panic-checked-out a lotta library books so here's what i'm currently reading, how i feel about it, and impressions of the first chapter of all the books currently staring at me.

Currently Reading

Spell Bound by FT Lukens: An author I usually like, especially when I'm slumpy or not really in the mood to read or focus. Much like TJ Klune where the writing style is a little too.. simple? to ever really get more than a 3 star, but I typically love their characters and plots and the fantasy worlds they build, but for some reason this one is simply Not Hitting. Something about too few characters, mainly single POV, and the love interests not having much interaction at the 100-ish page mark isn't working for me. Think this might be a DNF tbh but isn't yet.

Speculative Fiction for Dreamers Anthology: Heavy literary-style anthology. I picked this up to maybe cure a slump with easy one-off short stories, but they're all so dense that it's having the opposite effect. I'm also not liking a large portion of the stories – I think the subject is too broad/vague to work as a coherent collection for me. It makes a much better textbook. I'm gonna finish it, but probably even slower than I have been.

Here We Go Again by Alison Cochrun: This one's dicey bc it's definitely a 5-star for me, but I put it down at a point of Overwhelm in the story (it was so good and happy and I wanted to stay in that spot for a bit) but then the slump struck and I don't want my poor reading mood to negatively affect what so far has been a nearly perfect story.

Palace Project

Vampires Never Get Old Anthology: I have the audiobook and my headphones have gone missing so that's an issue. I only read the front material and a small bit of the first story, but it's promising! the audiobook has good production, thank god – i hated the narrator for the intro (she was pronouncing stuff weird??) but each story is narrated individually, and I love that in an audiobook, especially a collection from multiple authors. the first story is by tessa gratton, so idk if it's the topic or her writing (since i tend to like her short stories) that has given me hope for this one.

The September House by Carissa Orlando: I liked the prologue, it was very readable. It set up a character voice and a full backstory very efficiently and got me excited for the story to come. idk if I'd be excited about phyiscally reading it, but it sounds like a stellar audiobook option.

Thorn by Anna Burke: For some reason this sounds very familiar. I wonder if I read an ebook sample or a preview somewhere. It feels very much like something someone maybe posted here circa 2014 as an interest check and now has finally gotten it published. i'm not exactly a fairytale retelling fan, and it very much reads as such, but I'm intrigued enough to continue. I don't think it's a slump cure, though, it seems a smidge too dark for that. but i do like drama – i think it'll depend on the style and amount of romance tbh.

Libby

New Adult by Timothy Janovsky: A reliable author that i'm tempted to crack the seal on. Like FT Lukens, he's kinda a reliable 3-star writing style, but i have had a 5 star and I dont have many more books of his to save for rainy days. This first chapter seems par for the course and i'm intrigued by the sliding doors/midnight library/life choices concept. i think it's gonna be the In Case Of Emergency on this list - if all else here fails, i'll crack that spine.

The Secret Lives of Country Gentlemen by KJ Charles: idk if i get kj charles and cat sebastian's writing styles confused just bc they're kinda the only regency m/m i read or if theyre actually that similar. this chapter was a great example of why i do prefer cat sebastian just a smidge – this opening chapter was a little abrasive and fast-paced with some immediate character conflict while i'd prefer to slowly adjust to a book. regardless, it does seem promising.

Afterlove by Tanya Byrne: This was very interesting. Again had a fairytale retelling tone, but isn't a retelling in content. I'm intrigued by the worldbuilding here. I knew it was a post-death teen romance but the way it's introduced still fascinated me. tbh I'm looking forward to the plot more than the romance per se.

Sutphin Boulevard by Santino Hassell: Like Thorn, this one also feels. weirdly familiar?? but more recent. I did probably read the libby sample at one point when I was really short on gay romances and reading it again, I remember why I put it down. It starts off real um. Intense. and kinda escalates from there. I might give this one a chance though, since the prose itself isn't insufferable. it's way too long to be simply erotica so I guess i'm curious where things go after a threesome in the first chapter.

Hoopla

Delay of Game by Ari Baran: much like kd casey's unwritten rules series, this has become my favorite reading-in-progress sports romance series. i'm a little afraid to burn the last remaining book (so far) on a slump break, but it has been a long slump. this first chapter launches into the past which is a little weird to contend with since the leads were attached-at-the-hip bffs in the previous book. ironically kd casey did that too. either way, i'm intrigued and locked in. but i hope i can save this till i can figure out how to get ahold of the third ebook.

Physical Library Books

The Stars and the Blackness Between Them by Junauda Petrus: it starts off with a poem and a first person dialect that tells me 1) i'm probably gonna love it 2) it may break me and 3) it requires some solid focus and immersion. I don't think i'm gonna pick this one up very soon, but i'm now much more sure that i will pick it up at some point.

Why Women Have Better Sex Under Socialism by Kristen Ghodsee: I've only read the author's note, but it's surprisingly conversational/readable for a nonfiction text, especially on such a dense subject. I tried the audiobook a while ago and the narrator's accent like uhh repulsed me, i have no clue why. I'll definitely keep reading, but perhaps slowly. Unlikely that a physical nonfic would cure a slump, but idk maybe it'll shake up my routine enough to jolt it back into place.

The Written World and the Unwritten World by Italo Calvino: These are supposedly essays, but from the first one i got more of a satirical, meandering creative nonfiction think piece vibe. the structure is much more like a story than an essay, and the style reminds me of mark twain's nonfiction. i can see myself dnfing in the future, but i'll give it a shot for now.

[timeoverload]

I'm sorry I didn't post much last night. I didn't get upset or freak out about anything because I am sort of used to the way things are now. I was also absolutely exhausted. I was still up late anyway and I didn't get a nap so I was a little grumpy today but I tried my best to act normal. I'm glad my arm doesn't hurt too much. I am very happy with the way it looks so far. I can't show it to anyone yet because I told the director that I had a doctor's appointment yesterday so they wouldn't deny my request to switch my day off.

It was nice to see you yesterday. I am confused about what is going on. I'm sorry I wasn't very talkative. I didn't really know what to say. I don't know if I'm allowed to say anything.

I am frustrated because I don't know how I am going to afford to keep coming to see you. I don't know how I'm supposed to have money to give you every 2 weeks but I don't like saying no to you. I'm not rich but I don't want to give you less than you deserve. I have so many bills to pay though. I have to fix my car. I need to buy a new phone still and that's going to be over $1000. Soupy and Salazaar need to get in for dental work this month. I need to buy food and other stuff. I guess I will have to do my taxes soon so maybe that will help. I need to stop thinking about that for now because it's stressing me out.

I was expecting it to be a bad day since last Thursday sucked but it ended up being ok. I had a lot of cases but I think I did a good job at keeping up. The doctors weren't rushing so much today thankfully. I finally got the huge stack of instruments on my station redone.

My boss came up to me this morning and told me that I need to train the lady that works the night shift how to do my job so I can leave on time. I think they are tired of paying me for overtime. I'm sure she's not going to be happy about having to learn that. She is usually in a bad mood when she comes in. I try to be nice and talk to her but I get the feeling she thinks I'm annoying. I'm probably overthinking stuff again.

It is a little disappointing that 2 of the new people decided to no call, no show the past week. That happens all the time because a lot of people can't handle it. I remember when I started I was very overwhelmed because there is a lot to learn and you see a lot of gross things. It can be intense sometimes. There are a lot of rules and policies to follow. I would say that I am pretty desensitized to all of that now. It's definitely not for everyone.

They are making me leave at least 2 hours early tomorrow so I can't complain about that. I might get to leave earlier than that because I only have 10 cases in the morning and it's pretty slow otherwise. I'm looking forward to that.

My right eye has been bothering me so much the past couple days and nothing has helped. It feels like it's burning in the center. I have been using eye drops a lot. I can't wear any make up because it is making it worse. I took a muscle relaxer and ibuprofen at lunch and it didn't help. I realized that I might be having this problem because my new glasses are the wrong prescription. I'm not surprised that happened after my experience there. My vision seemed like it was slightly out of focus all day. They didn't bother me that much last week but I had to take them off when I got home. I'm not going to take them back because I don't want to go there again. I also like the frames a lot so I will try to get new lenses put in them sometime. I don't really like wearing those ones at work anyway because they make my ears go numb when I wear my hat. I put my other glasses on when I got home so maybe that will make a difference. They seem to be more comfortable so far.

I need to get ready for bed. I already ate dinner. Salazaar is laying on me and it's making me tired. I'm glad he is keeping my toes warm though. I don't want to wake up early. I hope I can take a nap tomorrow afternoon because that would be amazing. I don't want to stare at the screen anymore and I don't have much else to talk about right now. Hopefully tomorrow is a good day.

I hope everyone else has a good day tomorrow too!!! :) 💖💖💖

[brokenheartedmetaldude]

It's been a while since I posted and the last couple days I've just been bottling up emotions as usual but I feel like the emotional growth in me knows it's better to write things out, so here we go again...

I have a friend that I've been really close with for around 6 years and a couple days ago they blocked me from everywhere. I'm a bit hurt by it, but I understand why they did it.

For context, this friend also suffers from mental health issues including but not limited to: depression, anxiety, EUPD, autism, and dyspraxia.

They have been estranged from their family, and they only have 3-4 people inside their inner circle, I was one of those people.

Anyway, I was blocked because - although I didn't communicate it at the time because I felt it was a bit too sensitive of an issue and I would personally have felt hurt if someone said it to me - I was not emotionally available. I have been feeling like a massive emotional sponge for months after trying to console this friend's emotions because they had come out of an abusive relationship 5 months ago. Their constant need to talk to someone was very hard wearing but I did not want to make their emotions feel like they were any less important than my own because empathically I would feel like that would invalidate how they are feeling and caused them to feel like a burden which they weren't. I was just not very good about dealing with my own emotions which has caused me to feel overwhelmed.

I did what I could to support them, when I felt I was emotionally available I would talk with them, I would give them free lifts to help them with their shopping and when we would go on drives, we would enjoy each others company & brokenness by listening to music, talking at length about emotions or the state of the world, or even just laugh at memes on the internet. Normal friend shit.

Not feeling emotionally available all the time was this person's biggest complaint however, and they felt that I wasn't reciprocating in the friendship because they always had to initialise conversation and I understand that complaint.

However, they knew my nature, I very rarely seek out to start conversation, and this is due to my upbringing of "be seen but not heard." So for the majority of my adult life, I have hated starting conversations because I never know how to keep them going and in a professional setting like speaking with doctors, I hate it. I do not like asking for help, or anything within the realm. I like to be individualistic which results in me looking like idgaf or I'm somehow uninterested.

Anyway, the lesson is, be a better friend and reach out more often. Communication is important for humans.

[fic-dumpster]

Lazy spoon

Kazutora Hanemiya x F!Reader | 800ish+ words

Summary: Enjoying the privacy of your bedroom with Kazutora as he enjoyed the feeling of your pussy wrapped around him.

Warnings: Cunnilingus, sub reader, pet names, overstimulation, implied orgasms, MDNI, explicit sex. Have your age in your blog. Cockwarming, nobody died in this au. Adapted an old fic.

“I wanna eat you out” Kazutora Hanemiya has always been blunt and a man of a few words but sometimes he was just too much.

So here you are, crying for Kazutora to stop because you’re too sensitive. You have lost count on how many times he has made you cum in the last few hours just by lazily licking your clit, kissing your bud, and even lying his tongue flat on top of it while he looked up at you with those big yellow eyes and a blank expression, like it was a mundane task for him, like your plush tighs weren't hugging his head, like he didn't need oxygen, just you.

You knew he enjoyed it as much as you did. Otherwise, he wouldn’t ask for you to lay on your back while he tasted your juices so often. But you wanted to make him feel good too.

“Kazutora- uh, wa… wait” you couldn’t properly formulate words that weren’t his name at this point.

“Hmmm?” Still not moving from between your legs, you felt the vibrations of his answer through your body.

“Ka… Kazu… Kazutora, wai… wait. I want you to feel good too,” you mewled as you almost tore the sheets apart.

Slurping sounds could be heard as you struggled to keep lucid. He started lapping again while applying pressure with his tongue. It was too much; just when you were about to reach your release, he stopped.

Leaning on his elbows to have a better view of your cunt glistening post-orgasm. He loved it so much, and your fucked up face brought intense satisfaction for him.

“I don’t feel like moving too much, but if you insist, I have an idea.” every word he said blew a soft puff of air to your sensitive slit leaving you trembling and on edge.

“Kazutora…” you whimpered, squirming under his gaze.

Kazutora stood up, cleaned his chin with the back of his hand, and proceeded to take a sit on the headboard.

“Princess, come sit.” Kazutora was stroking the head of his cock with his thumb as if it was calling for you.

Crawling to his lap, you scratched your nails over his thick tights, gaining a grunt from Kazutora’s throat. He took your wrists and placed them on his shoulders. Kazutora firmly held you with one arm over your waist; he was holding you so tight that there was no space in between the two.

Your nipples were hard-pressed to his chest and while he lifted you up a little, you could feel your nipples scrape against his skin. It was such an overwhelming feeling from just a simple act, from almost nothing you were reacting this way.

“Kazutora! Ho… Hold on a se…“

He was doing so to adjust the tip of his swollen member to your dripping hole, but due to your sensitive nipples still thumping, making you dizzy, you didn’t notice. So when you felt yourself being brought down on his large cock, you came, right on the spot.

“There you go.” He let out in ecstasy, feeling your cunt flutter around his shaft, “Beautiful, that's my girl,” he groaned, “Y/N, baby, you’re squeezing me so much, sucking me in. It’s so hard not going back just to eat you out again,” Kazutora breathed on your neck.

You were a whimpering mess on his lap, trying so hard not to keep on spamming due to the force of the orgasm. Hence, your hips moved, and it seems that Kazutora was set on not moving at all.

A tsking sound of disapproval left Kazutora’s mouth, “no, We are not moving. Like I told you before, I don’t plan on moving… So just enjoy,” Kazutora said as he held the remote in one hand and turned the TV on.

A couple of minutes passed, and you tried to clench around him to get a reaction out of Kazutora.

“Kazu, please. It feels so hot and I can’t….”

He plainly ignored you. Kazutora was in heaven; you felt so tight and hot around him; your velvety spongy walls drove him mad. He wasn’t even paying attention to the TV; all his thoughts were on how well he fitted inside you, how the AC was cold, but your bodies were burning, his cock could melt from being buried in your heat for so long, and how much you wiggled and squirmed for friction made him grunt as he tried to hold for a little longer, not wanting for it to end just yet.

“Stay still,” a hand flew towards your asscheek, making you yelp just before the long-haired man captured your lips and placed both hands on your hips, keeping you still on his cock.

And that's how you stayed, head resting on the crook of his neck, pussy hugging and clamping around his engorged member, whimpering and moaning Kazutora’s name as he zapped through the channels on the TV.

—–the Next day at a Toman Meeting ——

“Hey, Tora! You didn’t pick up the phone for the whole weekend! What the hell?!?” Chifuyu was hurt but he won’t say it out loud.

“Yeah, I messaged you a couple of times as well, and you answered this morning. I’m surprised you showed up for the reunion” Baji didn’t care much but now that Chifuyu mentioned it…

A bunch of me too’s were heard from around the table from Mitsuya, Draken, Takemichi, and the others.

“I was busy” Kazutora was not planning on telling any more than that.

“I’m gonna ask Y/N. I’m sure she’s gonna spill the beans” Nahoya was just trying to get a reaction but he suspected where this was heading.

“I bet Y/N was busy with Kazutora, she didn’t answer my call and hasn’t responded yet.” Said a laughing Hakkai. He has called because his sister complained that you weren't picking up.

“Yes, She was.” A smiling Kazutora answered and thought about how indeed you spilled…

Murmurs filled the place as what Nahoya suspected was true, you were dating Kazutora.

“WHAT? SINCE WHEN?!” A heartbroken Chifuyu was going to be kicked out of the restaurant for disturbing the customers.

[rcksmith]

Mine — Kaz Brekker

(photo not mine)

Requests: “9 from the fluff prompts with Kaz brekker please? It could be where they're keeping it a secret and it slips out? Thanks”

“Could you possibly do a kaz brekker and reader imagine where they are both like in their mid twenties. Number 9 from the fluff prompts “So you're saying that girl is your girlfriend?" "No, that girl is my wife”, I could just imagine him with the smuggest grin saying it. Your a very good writer and thank you if you decide to write this.”

“Could I get a kaz brekker x reader secret relationship with fluff prompts 5, 7, 12, and 14 please?”

Fluff prompts:

5. ”Don’t smile at me like that. You know it drives me crazy.”

7. “I feel like i cant breathe when i’m around you.”

9. “So you're saying that girl is your girlfriend?!" "No, that girl is my wife!”

12. “I’m not jealous! Its just...you’re mine!”

14. “I don’t like to pretend we’re not together.”

Couple: Kaz Brekker/ Fem!Reader

Warnings: swearing, mention of fights, mention of post-traumatic stress, fluff too.

Word count: 2k.

A/N: Thank you💖 I hope you guys like. I changed some details a little, hope you don't mind

Normal Rules. Smut Rules.

English is not my first language, so I so sorry if have a mistake.

Requests are open. Love you❤️

— — — —

Fissure. That's what mercenaries, thieves, assassins and his enemies were looking for. A fissure to drive Kaz Brekker to ruin. Burn his empire, wood for wood, until there is nothing left but funeral ashes swept away by the winter wind. Even the most infinitesimal fissure would ensure that his enemies infiltrate, like hungry parasites, into the heart of the dungeon of his deepest secrets. Swallowing, absorbing, any hint of what could do the infamous the Bastard of the Barrel down to his own knees.

And Kaz Brekker feared that if they looked into the most secluded corner of his dungeons, where it was reserved to hide the greatest truths of his soul, they would find the one only thing to beg on his knees for would be something he would do without hesitation.

You.

You were like the last summer solstice in a world ruled by darkness, cold and empty. Which he kept in a chest locked with seven chains.

If he had to describe you with the five senses, Brekker would remind that, when he was in the bitter cold of the ocean, clutching the stiffness of dead and putrefying flesh like a lifeboat, a ray of sunshine, warm as the summer, it opened up through the thunderclouds and came down to his face, warming that spot of skin like a kiss from the sun.

And it would be with that memory that he would describe you.

Kaz Brekker shouldn't have fallen in love with you. He was the person who most understood the disastrous consequences if he let himself get carried away by the way his heart sped up whenever he saw you. If he allowed herself to taste the way all of your heat radiated into his body and made him feel alive. But he fell in love.

Everything was all too much. The feeling of life every time you said his name, like a devotion, something religious, lyrical. The sweetness in your eyes, the warm voice. Everything had been too much.

And what should he do? Tell you he missed you every time you went on a mission? Saying that he were jealous and envy of Jesper because the man managed to make you laugh with a silly joke and hug you tight, something Kaz still hadn't been able to do? Tell you it was almost religious the way he venerated your smile? Of course not. Because all these things would have been sensible, and Kaz couldn't do anything sensible around you.

Because when he saw life offering him, with such joy, the one thing that had been denied him all his life, and that he swore never to crave, his first impulse was anger. Stupid, irrational anger.

So, for the first few moments, his entire reaction to you had been cold, distant, almost avoidant. Because the way his whole body shook in hot spasms when, in that summery tone, you called his name, it was too much for Kaz to handle.

“Kaz!” You call, one night.

He heard your voice from across the crow club, and had to close his eyes tightly at the way his heart leapt in his chest.

"Hey, hey." You appeared beside him, your cheeks chased away by coral red, the happy smile and the sparkle in your eyes as someone who have the path to true happiness. "Jessy said you were wanting to find a new way to invade that bank."

Oh perfect. In the same way his body exalted when he heard the sound of your name and your lips, hearing you call Jesper by that infernal nickname had a much more destabilizing effect. And fierce.

Kaz raised an eyebrow at you, in a nonchalant gesture but inviting you to keep talking.

“I happen to know of an underground path.” For an instant, the pride in your smile made Kaz want to smile too. “You and I can put together a map today and we'll be right tomorrow to go.”

That was one of the times Kaz should have made some dry, disinterested, trivial comment, something that made you not want to spend time with him, something that made you turn around and walk away. He should have turned around and left. He had done this over a thousand times with other people and knew it to be one of the best outings.

Still, the acid comment didn't come and he couldn't turn his back on you.

So, like the idiot he became whenever it came to you, Kaz couldn't help but spend an hour in your company. Even if it resulted in him lying in bed at the end of the day, alone and feeling the guilt gnawing at him more and more.

So, before he even knew it, Kaz was already in his office with you, listening to you chatter about things he knew he should have been paying attention to. But the way the crackling of the fire flames in the fireplace flashed across your face was a distraction of unimaginable proportions.

“Jessy and I…”

“You want to stop.” He found himself saying before he even realized it. “That nickname is already exasperating me.”

“Why? Jealousy?” You joked, oblivious to the truth.

Kaz looked at you like your comment was the most pathetic thing he'd ever heard. He wanted to screaming: ‘I’m not jealous! Its just...you’re mine!.’ But he didn't. Instead, the words that came out were:

“No. It's childish and immature, and it doesn't fit with...”

"What if I call you ‘Darling’?” You rested your chin on both palms of your hand, your elbows resting on his desk in his office.

Kaz's heart skipped a beat.

“That way you won't be jealous of Jessy's nickname and…”

“It's not jealousy!” He countered, and too late realized that he didn't disagree in the first instance about the nickname, but about the green color that emanated from his body.

And you didn't let that go either.

Your eyes took on a caustic gleam that you quickly hid, turning to the map on the table and going back to drawing the paths. “Okay, Darling.”

After that night, Kaz's self-control began to crumble.

He gave you death glares whenever you called him that nickname, but he never dared contradict or scold you. Much less deny it. The truth was, the core of his soul wanted this. He wanted every part of your caress warm as summer. He wanted to appreciate how perfect you looked when you called him that way. As if that nickname was born just to be used between you.

Something unique.

Over time, his body's physical reactions began to be stronger, coercive and overwhelming. Kaz felt dry, burning, and you soothed and inflamed him at the same time. You were the breath of peace, and also a glass of hot brandy.

And everything that he once felt dead, frozen or putrefying, slowly began to blossom, reborn and shine.

"Darling." You said, going behind the chair Kaz was sitting in, submerged in the Krisha security system sheets in front of he. “You've been there for hours.”

He ignored you, though his body was all too aware of yours behind him, the way your breath hit the top of his ear, how your heat hit his back like a high summer breeze. Kaz swallowed hard, ordering his eyes to stay on the pages.

“What are you reading?”

Your voice rang out from the top of his head, and Kaz felt his heart race into a cardiac arrhythmia the second your hands went to the back of the chair and your face tilted, chin hovering millimeters from his shoulder, your nose almost brushing his cheek.

Fucking Saints! You were hot! It was as if you had sun bathed, swam in the flames of fire, and been born into the summer.

Kaz lost his breath. His sanity. His soul.

“Do not do this.” His voice was no more than a whisper.

You looked at him, the furs not touching but breath hitting each other's cheeks. Kaz followed your gaze, and suddenly the world subtly turned hot. Pulsing and muffled.

“What?” You whispered, your heart so fast.

This was the time for Kaz to use the touche in a very valid argument. To make you move away as fast as you approached. To nip in the bud any path this interaction between you could take. He should have said about the touch. But he didn't remember. Kaz didn't remember his limitation, his traumas, his demons.

In that second, of insanity and magic, you couldn't do that just because…

"I feel like I cant breathe when I'm around you." He said.

After that day, Kaz realized that life no longer made sense without having you by his side to share it. Money didn't have the same value anymore if you weren't there, the robberies didn't make sense anymore if he couldn't tell you how it was at the end of the day, or have you by his side to fight.

Very quickly, Kaz Brekker realized that he had lost the battle against his own feelings. Loving you was inevitable. And having you close to him was made as essential as breathing. That's when things between the two of you developed faster, more solid, more right. The weeks turned to months, the months to years, and your relationship fortified as gloriously as the hilt of a sword.

Kaz still had very difficult moments with touching, days when a single brush of fur was unbearable and the mention of a kiss was impossible. But you stayed there. Firm and unshakable. Giving your summer smiles,your warm winks, and his nickname that had the power to soothe every nerve in Kaz's body.

However, the more Kaz understand that he was need you to he still live, the deeper he hid any trace of public affection for you. Any clue that could sparked the theory in someone that you were the reason, for Brekker, for the sun rose every morning. He couldn't bear the thought of losing you. Never.

Kaz Brekker became very aware that his soul was harnessed to yours. And there was nothing in the world that would take you away from he. Not while he lived, and even seven feet from land, Kaz would still find a way to fight for you.

It was a logical decision when he said you two should get married. Kaz was still trying to maintain his serene posture as his soul burned in a fire too eager and excited to make official anything that said you were his. That he had finally managed to have that ray of sunshine in the midst of the atrocious ocean. You, unlike him, exhaled your happiness in excited squeals, little jumps of joy and a passionate, quick kiss on the man in front of you.

And Kaz understood, as perfectly as the sky are blue, that he would do anything, for the rest of his life, to be worthy of that overwhelming happiness that sparkled in yours smiles.

“Don’t smile at me like that. You know it drives me crazy.” He said, feeling himself smile because your happiness for the wedding was exorbitant.

And you, like the little tease you were who loved to make him piss off, smiled even more and hugged him. He love you. Unconditionally.

But, just like the ocean waves, Kaz and you have had your ups and downs. He wasn't a man who had a lot of patience, and you weren't the most obedient, calm woman in the world. You found him exasperating and he found you as stubborn as a door.

"I already said you can't do that!" And there he was, once again, lecturing you because you showed too much affection, in his mind, for him in a public situation.

And, as Kaz fucking Brekker liked to point out, ‘all walls have eyes and ears’.

"We've been together for six years, Kaz!" You tried to keep your blood calm, but you weren't a person to put up with sermons. “Is this going to be our life? Living as if we have the same connection as a boss and an employee?!”

“And what do you want, Y/n?!” He placed both hands on his office desk, looking at you from the other side “Want us to have a party and tell everyone?! Or do you prefer to hang a red target on your chest?!”

"I did not say that!" You were starting to get really angry. “I'm not asking for a billboard saying we're married and you know it! The only thing I'm saying is that you let me choose to sit next to you, take your hand, or tell you I love you when any of us go off on a dangerous mission!"

Kaz shook his head, impassable, his gaze flashing with anger. How did you not realize he was trying to save you?! Save everything you two built, your lives! And all this for what? Walking hand in hand on the street? It was ridiculous!

“This is indisputable!”

“Kaz…”

“I said no!” He slapped his hands on the table.

A less brave woman would have cringed. But not you.

“I don’t like to pretend we’re not together!”

“And I don't like a fucking girl who complains all the fucking time about something I do to save her! But it feels like I've been put up with it for six years, doesn't it?!”

The words hit you like a slap. Crackling, burning and electrifying. You felt yourself holding your breath and your shoulders instinctively tightening back. The room was silent. Loaded with tension, as if lightning had just hit the ground.

You looked at Kaz in amazement. And he pursed his lips when he realized what he'd said.

“Put up with? And you call me ‘fucking girl’ ?” You repeated, your voice low, serious and in a mixture of hurt and outrage. “Good to know.”

You turned your back, walking out of the office and slamming the door behind you hard, making the thud reverberate through the corridors of Kaz's soul.

"Y/n!" He called you, striding to the door "Y/n!"

But when Kaz pulled the doorknob and took a few steps down the hall, it wasn't you he bumped into. It was Nina, trying to hide, in a very terrible way, her curious and shocked expression. In female hands she carried a small stack of documents, probably something important that Kaz needed to check.

He had to check that out. But his eyes, restless and quick, wandered the great hall of the crow club below, watching your figure pass between the bodies, advancing towards the exit.

"Sooo…" Nina started, even though the attention wasn't on her. "Couple fights, right?"

But Kaz didn't think before nodding, trying to get past Nina to catch up with you. But of course the girl wasn't going to let Brekker get away with it that quickly. She was betting with Inej how long you two would pretend to have nothing. And now she was going to get the truth!

"So you're saying that girl is your girlfriend?" The smile of shock and excitement was wide open on her face.

Kaz muttered a curse, gently pushing the girl aside and moving towards the stairs, aiming to catch up with you. But not before answering:

"No, that girl is my wife!"