#i feel so HURT and invalidated this is awful

[lemoncake438]

How do u know if its love or mental illness?

[kimjiwoong]

I'm literally too ???? for the boys and too straight for the girls life is literally a nightmare

[weareuniqueandimportant]

Abuser Bigot Say Animals Can't Cnsent And Then Justify Killing Them Or Stealing Their Wool.

EVIL... THAT IS OKAY TO FUNNY ANIMALS... THEY LIKE THAT...

BTW THIS POST IS ABOUT LESBIAN FOOD... YOU KNOW... LIKE WHEN YOU GO TO THE STORE... AND STUFF... CNSENT IS A BEATIFULL SAUCE FOR ALL LESBIANS... AND I BELIEVE ALL SHOULD TAKE A TASTE.

[dumblemonchickenwing]

my parents hate artists and creative people yet they are surprisingly creative in coming up with ways to say awful things about me or people in general, huh...

[rose-tinted-nostalgia]

I feel like I’m going to explode. The walls are vibrating, and I don’t know what lens to view anything from, and it’s all so fucking murky that nothing feels real. I’m trying so goddamn hard to be objective, to evaluate everything I feel and do, because I know I can be toxic, and I have a tendency to overreact and sometimes things are my fault, and if everyone is shitty to me then it has to be me, right? Like I’m the common denominator, and they can’t all be gaslighting me, right? I’m trying, but I swear I can’t see it as being all me, and maybe I overreact or maybe I take it too far, and I’m fucking mean and abrasive when I’m hurt, but these things these people are doing and saying, they are shitty, and they are toxic and they are mean, they have to be, but they don’t see it, and the harder I try to make them see it, the worse a person I become, and then I validate every single thing they’ve ever believed, and I know that’s a problem in of itself because why convince someone they hurt or mistreated you what purpose does it serve, but I feel like I’m falling so fucking deep down the rabbit hole I don’t know who anyone is anymore, and I need it. I need to know I’m not fucking crazy. I need to know that what I’m feeling is real, and every time I get upset or offended or bothered by what someone says it’s instantly that I’m the problem, that it didn’t happen, that it wasn’t rude or it wasn’t meant like that, that I’m crazy for seeing it that way, and I think the more people tell me I’m crazy, the more crazy I’m actually becoming because I can’t stomach one more interaction like this. But my whole family can’t be toxic. They can’t be, right? It has to be me. I wish I knew how to be a different person. But I don’t think I can be a goddamn person at all because I’m unraveling.

[felibrary]

you could have anyone you want - aventurine

synopsis: sometimes you can't help but wonder why aventurine chose you, out of all people, as his lover. 

pairing: aventurine x reader | fluff with vv light angst, hurt/comfort, mention of habits such as peeling of skin and biting your nails | wc: 674 ; drabble

a/n: i feel like this is a bit choppy, sorry in advance </3

“aventurine, why’d you choose me as your lover?” 

you glance over to where aventurine currently is. his right arm is loosely draped over the back of the velvety arm chair as he swipes through his inbox, archiving old mails and then tending to the newly received ones before shooting you a look of concern. 

“how’d you think of that now?” he laughs quietly and the corners of his mouth slightly quirk up at your question. did he not make it obvious enough, that you’re the only one for him? the thought makes him flinch, if there is one thing aventurine would never want it’s you feeling unworthy.

“and.” he hesitates. his breath is slightly ragged, as he starts to pick at the skin of his digits on his left hand - a habit he does when he’s nervous. the loose skin bothers him, he wants to rip it off fiercely. it hurts, but what hurts more, is seeing you anxious - it makes his heart ache.

he gulps before reluctantly elaborating. “is it bothering you?” his words are draped in utter solicitude and his eyebrows are furrowed as he bites the insides of his lips firmly while studying your face for any signs of uncertainty. “like profoundly bothering you?” he asks softly.

the insides of his lips are bleeding and he can feel the bitter taste of iron seeping into his mouth. the thin layer of skin above his finely trimmed nails is gone, he peeled it off. he no longer needs to bite his nails though, neither when he was nervous or in times of need, when he was starving. it’s impolite and viewed as disgusting. (he can still remember the earthy and foul taste of dirt that was covered beneath the nail beds - somewhat nostalgic; somewhat awful.) 

but does it really matter when it comes to you? (has any pain ever mattered when it came to you?” - no.”)

“no, it's just curiosity.” you lie through gritted teeth as you try to maintain a somewhat felicitous expression, forcing an awkward smile that falters at the corner of your mouth, onto your face.

“there’s nothing that i detest more than lying. you know that.” he reminds you bitterly. (lies are unfulfilled promises, vows that weren’t ever kept, empty words.) he gets up to where you’re at, comfortably lying your back against the headboard and softly stroking one of the critters the two of you recently adopted. the small critter only purrs in response to your tender touches, nestling against your body as you continue to pet it.

the mattress slightly dips as aventurine sets his hand, followed by his body, down. “please, tell me what’s wrong.” he pleads as he holds out his hand, placing it near your hand, not going further than touching your fingertips. (he’ll let you decide if you want to hold onto his hand - if you give him permission to touch your delicate body.)

don't lie to me, please.

“aventurine it’s just that.” your voice slightly breaks. “it’s just that i don’t feel worthy of being your love - worthy of your love and adoration, in general.” you admit in a hushed tone as you slowly snake your hand towards his, intertwining the two of them. instantly, almost by habit aventurine quickly laces your fingers together, tightly entwining your hand with his.  

“what makes you think that?” belittling or invalidating your feelings is the least he’d want to do, so he carefully squeezed your hand, not once or twice but thrice. it’s become a small pattern the both of you do when the other is nervous, telling them that they’re here. it’s a sign of reassurance.

“you could have anyone you want.” your admission is no louder than a whisper and aventurine needs to make sure that he’s not hearing the wrong things. 

him being able to have his way with anyone he’d want? isn’t it quite the contrary? you’re everything aventurine isn’t, everything he admires in a person - everything he’d wish to be.

“that's funny. i’ve always thought the same about you.” 

azul azul AZUL!!!! @azullumi something dedicated to (y)our lovely honey blonde uhm guy!! yeah... haha... ANYWAY. in the past month you've helped me a lot in my writing but also like mental/developing journey as a teenager. the words you tell me, the experiences you recall (like you being in the hospital - LIKE WHAT), the warm vibe you give off - they make me feel at ease, they make me feel seen and understood, they make me smile. i think i often tell you (in those notes) the same things, but they're utmost important for me to mention because i just want you to know how special you're to me and not just your words. you, yourself are very special to me. i'm very very fond of you, just so you know. i often think to myself "oh azul would like this." "azul would laugh so hard at this." etc. but i also often think about you and your words, i get so happy when i see your messages popping up on my screen i try to answer them asap because who knows when you'll be gone?!??! (NOT IN A DEAD KIND OF SENSE BUT OMFG MAKE UR DISCORD STATUS ON, STOP BEING ON INVISIBLE.) i often recall your words and the advice you give me, it makes me smile but another thing that also makes me smile is your smile. i'm pretty sure i've already told you this once but your smile is so bright, so bright it rivals the rays of sunshine that light upon us. perhaps you're my sun, my blessing that came along the way and makes the cold and hard days easier for me. melting the snow that hid me from the many things unbeknownst to me and revealing yourself to me. just you. whom else do i need? /j/lh. i love you a lot user azullumi <3

© VYNICITY 2024. stealing, copying, translating, reposting my works on other platforms or feeding them to ai is not permitted.

[psychelis-new]

pick a pile: "You are..." - Loving and encouraging words for you

take a breath and choose the photo or number that calls you the most to read some loving warm words about you. it's always nice to hear about our positive traits, right? here you can find yours and some encouraging words about your next steps/healing. keep going and take care of you! and also, be ready to let love in, you deserve it :)

don’t take the reading too seriously. only take what resonates with you and leave the rest. if you're not called by any pile, let this reading slid as it may not hold messages for you. if you're called by more than one pile, there may be messages in each of those piles. remember that is a general reading and some things may not resonate with you. energies can change and readings are based on present ones (as you read); you're always in charge of your life.

(photos found on unsplash)

- ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ -

1 2 3

- ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ -

pile 1

You are sunny, cheerful, bright and warm. You're also pretty welcoming and you like to hug people or generally enjoy physical displays of affection. I think people like to be around you, you basically cheer up everyone and "set the mood for the evening" (I just heard that, IDK). You have a lovely smile, everyone is in awe with it and you in general; maybe you also have a particular way to laugh? Like you maybe make a strange sound, and everyone is fond of it. They love to make you laugh honestly just to hear it. I feel like you take emotional care of others and you may feel like a sip of fresh water to many. You're extrovert (or at least seem so in specific context), confident and you know exactly what to do or say to make the day of the people you are in contact with. I think you may share smiles with people on the street and even help them if they need (eg. like if they drop something you may pick it up for them, especially for older people or you may leave your seat to them). I think you are very funny and smart, and like to joke a lot. Okay for some of you you may have changed after something happened and keep this sunny side of you a bit hidden (or maybe you occasionally fear being judged about it, or you have been), but honestly I think you only need to reconnect with it and let it flow from you. It's hurtful when some things happen but it's also something that... just happens in life, sadly (I'm not trying to invalidate your experience/pain, at all). We don't have to let those negative things change us so much, especially if we still feel that flame/desire inside. I mean... don't feel guilty for being happy, if that's what you feel. You can be happy no matter what happened. You have to be happy. Find new ways for that happiness to flow within but reach it "and let it rain" out of you. Enjoy it, let it be there and help you heal what hurt as well, if you need. You can find new happiness anytime. New reasons to be happy, too. This is also true for the few of you who tend to hide pain behind a smile, pretending it's all good. Toxic positivity won't solve it, as avoiding problems. Be more balanced (maybe you were called by pile 2 as well) and accepting of what is wrong: it doesn't mean you let it take over you (ask for help if it's too scary), it means you're not being blind to it but you're listening to it and trying to make it better (ofc you can wear a smile while you do that, you totally have to! Healing happens also with taking breaks to enjoy life and hobbies/passions...). You are such a beam of light for everyone, confront your problems (if there's any) and then keep on shining!

song: chicken noodle soup | j-hope; wake me up before you go go | wham! (I channeled the first song while doing your reading, anyway the mood for you is: jitterbug!)

- ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ -

pile 2

You are strong, pure and very special. You stand out, and honestly you don't even have to do much to stand out. I think it's your energy: it also has something healing for those that comes near you, something comforting. You should be more confident in yourself: maybe you also doubt about your looks or how you may be seen/perceived by others but honestly you have/are nothing less than anyone else. You are caring and have a good heart; maybe you have buildt some walls around yourself out of past traumas, and this is blocking you a little when it comes to sharing with others or creating deeper relationships. It's okay take your time to work through those walls. You have beautiful eyes, and maybe you like to look at others in the eyes too? I think you are also sincere, honest and humble, at times also to a fault: please do stand up for yourself when you need, and set your boundaries. You may also be a bit too strict on you, especially when you make some type of mistakes or something? Maybe it's the fear I mentioned in the beginning of being perceived as you're not or in a bad way, or maybe... at times you may be scared of your thoughts somehow. It's not just the anxiety you may get from them and how they may make you spiral so you tend to stop them (it's okay to do this and distract your mind when you start feeling overwhelmed, but please come back to those thoughts when you feel calmer: to avoid thinking about a problem won't help you solve it at all, it will come back stronger. And please ask for help if you need), but there's also something else. Remind yourself usually the first thought is what we learned, our instinctive first reaction to a situation (usually comes up to "protect us") while the second thought we have is the one that comes from the heart, it really expresses what we think with a calmer and more balanced mind. I mean, eg. let's say someone says they got something you always wanted and this triggers you: your first reaction could also be being envious of them and feel not enough compared to them and potentially say or think something negative/feel resentful or angry, but if you stopped and thought about it again, you may just be really happy for this person and see yourself as on a different path: your time will come too. Be more kind with yourself, more patient: you're unlearning a negative mental pattern and that's not easy, it will take time and practice and lot of patience. You are so lovely you have no idea, please try to see and show that yourself too.

song: a little bit yours | jp saxe (indeed come back to your core self and show yourself love, and accept it too; closing chapters, changing and unlearning stuff is hard, but you can make it)

- ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ -

pile 3

You are multilayered. You have lovely rosey cheeks, people may want to squeeze them lol. You are sweet and cute, you probably are also a little shy or maybe you feel anxious in social settings and you may end up blushing a lot. You may also be stubborn occasionally (not too bad tbh) and can be determined or at least you reach good results in job/school. I think you tend to hide a part of yourself though or find it hard to deal with it/not like it. There's something you fear showing or that you don't want others to see about you, probably your pain, probably something from your past that you keep inside (also cause you can't accept/understand it -it could be abuse for someone, I hope you are safe now). Maybe you're also "scared"... of being loved/seen for real (having your "mask removed"?) or feeling vulnerable... Your energy feels younger or maybe just unexperienced in some fields or situations (maybe you also feel uncomfortable in some situations or you felt so in the past and you avoided joining them so now you feel a little behind maybe: honestly, there's nothing bad in this. You're not behind, you just did what was better for you and you still have time to make more experiences. You have all the time you need and want). I think there's indeed something about time here, it could be you are nostalgic about something that now you are missing/lacking, maybe feelings you could experience in your childhood, or you want to delete something from your past, or it could be that you fear running out of time, as mentioned, as you want to experience many things still but maybe you are scared you won't make it or you don't know where to start from. Just take a break: the moment you'll feel more grounded, it will come to you. Focus on taking care of you and also do take naps if you need and can. If it's about your childhood, eg. if people taught you have to "grow up" or have dimmed you in any way (or you had to, in order to gain their approval), remember you don't really have to forget about your inner child nor to be someone you're not. You can be an adult and still be in touch with your inner child. It's not that one thing excludes the other. And you can be yourself without any fear (it's hard to believe it but you won't be pushed away by everyone if you aren't as they wish). Maybe your inner child now really needs you to be closer to them, they need your appreciation and support, probably also after something you had to go through in your past: your inner child totally did great back then with all they had. Hug them and show them love. I think some of you may also love to work or be around children or pets as they may help you feel more in touch with your own inner child and more grounded. Again, be attentive to your needs, and meet them: maybe you were *unwillingly* taught you don't deserve that much (you had to accept crumbles in relationships) but it's not so, you deserve the moon: remember this. You're already perfect, there's nothing about you in your past or present that you need to fix, my love. Heal your fears about being yourself, receiving (love in particular) and don't run away from it, don't run away from yourself: you'll get all you wish for. Give it and yourself time. And, if you need this: it wasn't your fault, you were not responsible for that event/decision for which you feel like you were (and maybe you didn't even had to take). Whatever it was. You were trying to win the approval of someone who couldn't love you as you wished. Build boundaries around people (adults) and remember you are not responsible for them and what they do/their mistakes: you're not here to save them from anything. You have your own self and life to care about now.

song: heart attack | demi lovato

[pablitogavii]

have u heard about gavi injury:((( he could be out for 9 months and i just cried so bad today:(( can u write a fic of reader comforting him after it? :( thank you and we all wishing him a speedy recovery 😭

First, it’s really hard to write about this..he deserved better 😭❤️

Till Forever Falls Apart

He got injured and when he came home to you everything changed..you expected him to struggle..but this was completely different Pablo..no more smiles..giggles..happiness..just a grim face and painful expression when his pain medications wore off.

“Would you like the cold compress while you wait amor??” You asked but be was just staring at the screen in silence not even watching the show.

“Pablito? Please,talk to me amor..it’s been days” you sat down and when he felt the couch dip he finally looked at you.

“Yeah, cold compress is fine..” was all he said and you sighed walking towards the kitchen to bring it to him to place it on his knee.

“Are you hungry??” You ask but he just shook his head grabbing his crutches about to get up silently.

“I’m tired. Maybe you should just leave me..I know I’m not what a girl needs right now” he said with tears in his eyes and your face froze as you stood up as well. What the hell was be talking about!!? Why would you leave him now??

“Amor..what..??” you couldn’t even bear to finish that sentence feeling your own eyes fill with hot tears.

“I’m nothing anymore!! All girls want is a football star and I can’t even walk now! I’m like a baby learning to walk again..just please..you fell in love with a footballer and not an invalid!!!!!” he was crying now and so were you. How could be say something so awful about himself to you.. doesn’t he know that hurts you more than any insult he would give you..you couldn’t stop sobbing in front of him.

“How could you be so selfish Pablo!? Nothing!? You are nothing!? And what about people who love you,huh!? Don’t you think they would suffer to hear you say that!? I didn’t fall in love with Pablo Gavi!! I fell in love with Pablo..my Pablo..boy who buys me flowers on the weekends..and takes me on walks..my Pablito who hates that nickname but let’s me use it anyhow cause I like it..I am here because I WANT TO BE HERE WITH YOU..FOREVER amor!!!!!!!” You were screaming by the end and he was holding onto every word now crying himself and sitting back down cause he couldn’t hold onto crutches anymore.

“I’m sorry preciosa..” he sighed crying into his hands as you took them in hours and pulled him to you chest where he continued to sob.

“Shh..shh it’s okay..I’m here..you’re okay” he was crying loudly while you rubbed his naked back gently kissing the crook of his neck and shoulder..(gif)

“I’m scared..I’m so scared amor” he menage to say and let out a sigh nodding your head and holding him tightly.

“I’m scared too cariño..but we will figure it out..first the tests..then the operation..and then the recovery. I’ll be here every step of the way and I believe in you..we all believe in you precioso” you said pulling back a little to clean his tears and he slowly calms down.

“What if this is the end of my career?? What if I’m too scared to play again?” He asked and you kissed his forehead longingly.

“You love football too much to quit..I know you and I know this is just your fear talking..once you’re back on that pitch, you will know what to do..trust me??” You ask and he smiles weakly nodding his head looking adorably into your eyes.

“I trust you preciosa..” he said and you smile nodding your head kindly and kissing his forehead. Later you helped him to bed, tucking him in and bribing his evening medication with some water.

“They’re all tagging me and I just can’t look at the screen right now..” Pablo said and you nod taking his phone and putting it on charger.

“They know you appreciate it..just rest cariño..this is your time to relax and take care of yourself” you say and he smiled thinking to himself how everything seems to be easy coming from your mouth. You bring him peace..you’re him home.

“With you by my side..come here preciosa” he said opening his arms and you smile carefully getting under the comforter not to hurt him before laying your head on his chest as he pulled you close to him.

“Don’t ever say that again..it hurt so much to hear it “ you say still crying over his words.

“I promise..I love you so much!!” he said kissing hour head and you look up making him kiss your lips.

“I love you too!!” you say into the passionate kiss you two shared then. Then, cuddled up together you fall asleep ready to face everything days bring together!!

[crowleysgirl56]

The vast majority of people who work on a show are paid upfront for their labour

They don't get paid dependent on how successful a show is

They also don't do work that doesn't get paid- if they are working on a show that gets cancelled, they get paid for the work they did

All this 'stream GO for the hard workers behind the scenes' is bullshit

They work for companies are will be put on different projects

Just be honest that you want more GO (despite the message that it sends to studios- that audiences are ok with abusers! Just turn a blind eye to them! Yes that gives them more power but who cares because people will watch and make them money!)

Don't pretend your doing this for moral reasons

(And acting like you're doing this for Terry- for all we know he might want his work with an abuser completely destroyed- it's stupid to assume he'd want the series to be continued)

Like say this shit with your chest, you know?

Oh boy, ok. Gonna take a minute to answer this.

Firstly, I and a lot of the fandom, are heartbroken over what NG has done. Because we were duped into thinking he was a decent person. From the things that he wrote to the things that he said we thought that he was good person. And it is horrible that there are people out there suffering because yet another rich powerful white man decided he had the right to take advantage of them.

You seem rather angry and if that anger stems because you have experienced something similar yourself then I hope you have love and support around you so that you can heel.

If you want to talk about money, let me remind you that NG has already been paid for season 3. He will continue to get royalties, and thanks to the writers strike last year, he will now get more money for those royalties than before. If S3 doesn’t go ahead then hundreds of people will lose their jobs. Will they get other jobs? Sure, maybe. But any loss of job in this current economic climate is terrible and stressful (and I’m not talking about DT or MS here. They’ll get more work).

I don’t know if you understand how hyper fixation in neurodiversity works, but this is extremely painful for some people and takes a lot of time and energy and therapy to get over when a hyper fixation is threatened or taken away. Some people, like myself, need closure for things otherwise we can find it extremely difficult to move on emotionally. This obviously does not compare to someone trying to survive after SA, but emotional diversity can be extremely debilitating as well. They are apples and oranges to compare, but you can’t invalidate one person’s pain because you think another person’s pain is worth more.

As for the show itself, there is so little queer representation in media. There is a lot more nowadays compared to a decade ago, or even 5 years ago, but the little representation we have is so extremely important. Do you know how many people have found a truth to themselves thanks to GO? How many people discovered something about themselves that finally gives them answer to how they feel? How at the age of 40 I finally realised that I’m asexual and NOT BROKEN. That’s fucking important.

And this. ALL of this is why everyone, including me, are so fucking angry with NG. Because he has left us emotionally devastated. He has not just physically hurt these women. He has emotionally hurt hundreds of thousands of people. He is a stain.

I have spoken before when this all first happened about how I was angry that my one teeny tiny corner of the internet that made me happy was on fire. I left for a bit. I came back. I want to continue to interact with like minded people who love this fandom. I won’t stop that.

And frankly, and here’s the last I’ll say on this, the world is on fire. It is filled with a lot of fucking awful shit right now. I have suffered a very deep depression of late where some nights after I put the kids to bed I just stare and cry. You don’t know that about me because I don’t say those kinds of things on the internet, because our internet personas are facades. They’re not real. They’re not true life. I’m a real person and I’m aching inside about so many things. And these kinds of messages are just breaking me further. Seriously, when you send stuff like this do you even consider that?! So when I decide to hold onto one of the last bastions of entertainment that brings me joy, I’m not going to be guilted into dropping it because someone involved happens to be a monster. Because let me tell you if we did that every time someone turned out to be horrible, then we would never watch or enjoy anything ever again. EVERYTHING you watch or listen to or enjoy or like or cared about is connected to someone who is horrible or produced by a gigantic evil corporation (Nestle, Disney, Microsoft, Facebook, Google just to name a few). Every. Single. Thing. It’s the clothing you wear, the electronics you buy, the food you eat, the furniture in your house, and ALL the entertainment you consume. So if you gave up everything for some moral stance, then you would literally have nothing left.

Dropping Good Omens does nothing. It sends no message to anyone because the next really fucking awful person is about to produce the next big thing you might happen to love and care about. So what’s the point?

Let me have Good Omens. You don’t like that, then you can block me. That’s what the button is there for. You don’t need to send anonymous hateful messages. And if you want me to “say this shit with my chest” maybe you can send me an ask with the Anonymous off. So I can see your chest too.

I’m turning off anonymous asks now. Considering the only asks I’ve ever received is abusive shit telling me to kill myself or saying David Tennant is a paedophile or just telling me I’m a horrible person for supporting NG (when I’ve already stated before that I don’t anymore).

Sorry for those who’ve managed to get to the end here. Thanks for reading if you have, sorry it was so long. I hope you aren’t receiving the same type of messages. If Anonymous has read this far, I don’t know, maybe think twice before being horrible to random people on the internet?

[stilljuststardust]

"Married to misery" why it's so hard to let go of the old story.

Disclaimer: Nothing I'm saying is meant as a criticism. I am able to see this in other people because I've seen it in myself.

Before I get into any of this know that you don't have to constantly feel positive emotions in order to shift or manifest. This post is not asking you to magically cure yourself or anything of the sort. I am asking you to be open to the new story. You don't have to feel happy to do that.

Also see: "you don't need toxic positivity to manifest or to shift"

Stepping into the old story is uncomfortable because so many of us don't how to validate our emotions without telling ourselves that we're just "doomed to suffer" or that our suffering makes our journey special.

I am going to be sharing my own experience on this because I want people to know they aren't alone and other people have gone through it and come out the otherside.

I won't describe my exact mental state but know it would've required some trigger warnings. To anyone worried, no this wasn't recent, it was a while ago. Hopefully the insight I gained in myself can shed some light for you.

I was seriously mentally ill for years and what I realized coming out of it is that though I may have craved happiness, I rejected happiness as a concept, because it was uncomfortable, it didn't feel safe or familiar.

I would say that I wanted it all day long but in action I actively fought the idea that it didn't have to be this way. I was infuriated by the notion of change.

To make progress I realized that wanting had to be more than craving but the willingness to accept it as a possibility and the openness to change.

The hardest part of letting go of the old story was letting go of the ways I had used it to validate my personal pain because I didn't know how to without it. Being reminded that things could get better often felt invalidating because I was terrified of not being taken seriously for my suffering.

"I feel awful and I don't like how often I'm feeling it" often leads us into thinking "nothing is ever going to work for me", but it's important to ground ourselves and realize that feeling like shit is not divine undeniable proof that it isn't going to work.

I think it's hard to help people break free of negative mindsets because for many people it immediately leads to a sense of shame and therefore defensiveness.

So many people grow up in environments where their feelings are not validated or taken seriously and as a result do not know the difference between recognizing the role we play in our own suffering and blaming ourselves for said suffering.

The statements "Its not your fault" and "you have the power to change" can and DO coexist.

When you grow up being told your feelings are silly and meaningless you may fall into feeling as if you have to justify and defend your own suffering.

Recognizing the ways we ourselves have fed into it is often a painful experience because it reignites old feelings of shame and hurt.

What people want is to be seen and understood in their suffering. When they don't receive that from others they often default to romanticizing it, telling themselves their pain makes them better, or different, or that pain is in some way beautiful or important as a way to cope.

And honestly realizing that it's not beautiful or unique and that it isn't bettering you in any way can be hard because sometimes it's the only way we know to rationalize it.

But pain isn't inherently beautiful or virtuous, it's just pain.

You don't have to worsen your suffering to be witnessed in it. I see you, I recognize how much you're hurting. Your problems matter to me.

You don't have to prove your suffering for it to be real.

When I finally recognized this mindset within myself is when everything finally changed.

I am not "doomed by the narrative" I'm the fucking author and I will find happiness no matter what because I fucking said so.

Make no mistake, I don't have a good mindset because of luck I have it out of spite. I will have exactly what I want because fuck anyone who told me otherwise.

I promise you CAN manifest. Let go of the idea that you're fighting an uphill battle. You don't have to be.

This is the law of assumption, if you assume that your manifestation journey is long and treacherous, it will be.

[the-prettiest-teardrop]

🥀&🕸️ with steve H. I beg🙏🙏

SO SENSITIVE

Pairing- Steve Harrington x Reader

Warnings- Mean Steve at the beginning, crying, yelling, hurt/comfort, mentions of Steve still having feeling for Nancy.

A/n-I had so much fun writing this! I was listening to Fergie while writing this, which was kinda weird with the situation, but it was a 10/10. I’ll also be making moodboards to go with all of these! Anyways, enjoy!

“God, calm down Y/n, you’re always so sensitive over this.” Steve huffs, standing beside the couch you’re sitting on. Your knees are tucked to your chest, a few stray tears trickling down your face.

“Okay, well, I’m sorry that I think that you and Nancy are too close.” He rolls his eyes at that, it was a sentiment he heard much too often for his liking.

“Listen-“ He starts, smoothing a had down his face as he sighs heavily. “Nance and I are just really good friends, okay? I care about her, and maybe if you weren’t so sensitive, you’d realize that!” His voice raises as he speaks, and you scoot further away from him. “I’m not hurting you, princess, calm down.” He huffs again, frustrated with how jumpy you’d been lately.

“Can you stop blaming everything on me? You’re constantly trying to get alone with her! We all see it!” Your voice raises as his did, causing him to roll his eyes.

“I’m not trying to get alone with her, I’m just being nice, trying to protect her, I’m a gentleman, you know that.” He explains, thinking the whole conversation was absolutely ridiculous.

“Yeah, cause she definitely needed your help going to the library, and Robin couldn’t have protected her just as well as you could.” His eyebrows furrow at your snarky comment, almost taken aback by it.

“So? I’m done being the babysitter, I should get to go do something else for once!” He retorts, the lie was thin, but he hoped you’d believe him.

“Sure, whatever. I’ll just shut up, since I’m too sensitive for you.” You snap back, upset, hurt, and over the whole conversation. He watches as you walk up the stairs to your shared bedroom, regret immediately flooding through him.

He quickly rushed up the stairs after you, finding you in bed, curled up and softly crying. Without a second thought, he laid down beside you, pulling you into his arms.

“Hey, hey, I’m so sorry. I should’ve never said that, any of it, and it was awful of me. I’m too close with Nancy, and I’m so sorry for invalidating you. I love you so much and those aren’t things I should do or say to someone I love.”  He explains in a rush, hoping that you’ll understand. He let out a sigh of relief as you turned to bury your face in his neck.

“Thank you, I love you too Stevie. And for the record, you’re a pretty good babysitter.” You sniffle out, the last of your tears slowing as he tucks you into him further, stroking your hair until your breathing slowed, falling to sleep.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

WIBTA for asking my friends to be more considerate of me when talking about their eating disorders?

🩱👠

Ok, so for some context, we're all in college, and the three of us are very close. The other two, "Andrew" and "Alexis" are dating. I want to be clear, I am not trying to minimise their struggles with disordered eating. Andrew is trans and deals with a lot of dysmorphia, and Alexis has a lot of health issues and has fluctuating hormones and appetites that affect her body a lot. I've supported them both through these things, and I know it's been really really hard on them.

I am also trans, and I have dealt with anorexia on and off since I was in middle school (along with a lot of other health issues). Andrew and Alexis are both relatively thin. For reference, they both wear a lot of crop tops and such, with little to no visible body fat. I'm not at all saying that their thinness invalidates their problems with food, but this is to contrast with me. I have always been fat, and they know my mother was awful about it to me, and that drove me into eating disorders. I'm slowly getting more comfortable with my body, but I'm very open with them that I still have issues with it and I have very frequent "bad body days".

Ok, so all of that background. We all have our own issues, and we do our best to support each other through them. But there's this one habit they have that really sucks for me. We'll be talking, and body image will come up, and one of them will say something like "I hate this part here, I feel so insecure about it." And it's always a spot where they have like, a little bit of fat. And it's always a spot on me where I have 2-3 times that amount.

And honestly that really hurts. Like I know that they're dealing with real insecurities and body image issues, but I feel like they're saying "I hate my body for being like this" when my body is so much more that.

So maybe I am the asshole for taking their own inner issues personally against me, and maybe it would be a dick move to add to their issues by telling them that it hurts my feelings.

But on the other hand, I feel like there must be other ways that we can share our problems without them talking to their fat friend about how much they hate the little bit of fat they do have, you know?

So, WIBTA for asking them to lay off the specific things they're struggling with in body image?

[heal-the-ashes]

i'm thinking about pl and—like always—i get emotional after anything regarding this series. these stories. the ebb and flow of cherished laughs and pained expressions, the give and take of funny dialogues and heartbreaking reveals. when the end credits songs just wash over the entire experience with additional thoughts (usually angst-y in my case). when you've realized the story you just witnessed and the story that you felt apart of will stay with you for times that seem ephemerally immemorial...

[Slight Miracle Mask and Unwound Future Spoilers near the end]

these games don't show happiness and sadness. they don't show the positives and negatives of how a scene should flow. they don't just have dialogue and action and tone and intonations. 

they have perseverance amidst tragedy, the rose within the thorn, the sun within the bleak clouds. they show that everyone in this series is human. they somehow made me feel—and not in some type of pity way—for those npcs who were stuck on what i thought was the easiest puzzle in the world. there was no humiliation, no real sense of judgement. there was respect and patience and... and there was disappointment, only in one's self. there was no invalidity of emotions. yes, there were invalid actions, but i don't have a single memory of anyone saying another character was stupid for feeling a certain way. there was passive acceptance all around and across the series, there was no stuck-up sounding laughter; no one (to my memory) ever called another stupid for messing up.

and hershel layton is one of the most human characters i have ever seen. 

i saw a fanart that consisted of hershel in different stages of life. it made me emotional, because: 

in each stage of his life that was depicted there… it wasn't growing up. it wasn't milestones of age, it wasn't certain accomplishments in his character. it showed each time he has lost someone. and god does it break my heart to see and realize that he. is still. here. the amount of pain PL characters have gone through just breaks my heart.

and i am so glad and so honestly inspired to know that. and i feel so awful for thinking my problems are bad when i look at the greatest person to ever exist in media ever, who was shaped by traumas far beyond my own. and that is not an understatement: i genuinely believe professor hershel layton is my favorite character in any media. because he and his games tell you that there is more to life than pain. and it is a lesson that i am so glad that i can finally see someone else tell.

miracle mask and unwound future are two of my favorite games because they're the games that tell the audience that he is human. it reveals how he despises—he loathes, he hates—… not emotions. no, not sadness, not regret, not remorse, not disappointment, not pain. no, none of that. 

he hates certain parts of himself. he hates how he dealt with grief. he hates it when he's shown with "proof" that he's gone and done the very thing he swore not to ever do. he doesn't even hate anyone else even though he has so much right to. he should've cussed out bronev off screen. he should've yelled at bill hawks. he shouldn't of saved clive but god what did he do. he saved clive. he saved randall. 

oh, how love is a weapon. this is it. this is one of the greatest examples of how love is a weapon in storytelling. it's not even platonic love between the characters, its the love the audience has for the characters. stories like these twist this and they do it well. but, anyway—

when i was younger, i thought hershel layton was foolish. i thought he was stupid. i used to think: "what is he doing? someone hurts him, why doesn't he want to hurt them back? what's wrong with him that he doesn't want revenge?"

i couldn't of been more... wrong about how he sees the world.

no, he's the one of the greatest persons i've ever seen in media. i've learned so much from him and the PL series as a whole. i've learned something from each and every character. [what i learned from bronev and bill hawks is just to not be them.] 

layton is the kindest person i've seen. there is no earned malice anywhere near him. he doesn't purposefully aggravate others. he isn't mean, he's not one you'd call angry. he's patient and understanding, and he was made from pain. 

if every person was at least a little bit like him, i think the world would be a better place. a place where no one has to be made from pain.

[astrangetorpedo]

Julien Baker Track by Track - An Interview with Apple Music

“Everybody is scared of death or ultimate oblivion, whether you want to admit it or not,” Julien Baker tells Apple Music. “That’s motivated by a fear of uncertainty, of what’s beyond our realm of understanding—whatever it feels like to be dead or before we're born, that liminal space. It's the root of so much escapism.”

On her third full-length, Baker embraces fuller arrangements and a full-band approach, without sacrificing any of the intimacy that galvanised her earlier work. The result is at once a cathartic and unabashedly bleak look at how we distract ourselves from the darkness of voids both large and small, universal and personal.

“It was easier to just write for the means of sifting through personal difficulties,” she says. “There were a lot of paradigm shifts in my understanding of the world in 2019 that were really painful. I think one of the easiest ways to overcome your pain is to assign significance to it. But sometimes, things are awful with no explanation, and to intellectualise them kind of invalidates the realness of the suffering. I just let things be sad.”

Here, the Tennessee singer-songwriter walks us through the album track by track.

Hardline

“It’s more of a confession booth song, which a lot of these are. I feel like whenever I imagine myself in a pulpit, I don't have a lot to say that's honest or useful. And when I imagine myself in a position of disclosing, in order to bring me closer to a person, that's when I have a lot to say.”

Heatwave

“I wrote it about being stuck in traffic and having a full-on panic attack. But what was causing the delay was just this car that had a factory defect and bomb-style exploded. I was like, ‘Man, someone got incinerated. A family maybe.’ The song feels like a fall, but it's born from the second verse where I feel like I'm just walking around with my knees in gravel or whatever the verse in Isaiah happens to be: the willing submission to suffering and then looking around at all these people's suffering, thinking that is a huge obstacle to my faith and my understanding, this insanity and unexplainable hurt that we're trying to heal with ideology instead of action.”

Faith Healer

“I have an addictive personality and I understand it's easy for me to be an escapist with substances because I literally missed being high. That was a real feeling that I felt and a feeling that felt taboo to say outside of conversations with other people in recovery. The more that I looked at the space that was left by substance or compulsion that I've then just filled with something else, the more I realised that this is a recurring problem in my personality. And so many of the things that I thought about myself that were noble or ultimately just my pursuit of knowing God and the nature of God—that craving and obsession is trying to assuage the same pain that alcohol or any prescription medication is.”

Relative Fiction

“The identity that I have worked so hard to cultivate as a good person or a kind person is all basically just my own homespun mythology about myself that I'm trying to use to inspire other people to be kinder to each other. Maybe what's true about me is true about other people, but this song specifically is a ruthless evaluation of myself and what I thought made me principled. It's kind of a fool's errand.”

Crying Wolf

“It's documenting what it feels like to be in a cyclical relationship, particularly with substances. There was a time in my life, for almost a whole year, where it felt like that. I think that is a very real place that a lot of people who struggle with substance use find themselves in, where the resolution of every day is the same and you just can’t seem to make it stick.”

Bloodshot

“The very first line of the song is talking about two intoxicated people—myself being one of them—looking at each other and me having this out-of-body experience, knowing that we are both bringing to our perception of the other what we need the other person to be. That's a really lonely and sad place to be in, the realisation that we're each just kind of sculpting our own mythologies about the world, crafting our narratives.”

Ringside

“I have a few tics that manifest themselves with my anxiety and OCD, and for a long time, I would just straight-up punch myself in the head—and I would do it onstage. It's this extension of physicality from something that's fundamentally compulsive that you can't control. I can't stop myself from doing that, and I feel really embarrassed about it. And for some reason I also can't stop myself from doing other kinds of more complicated self-punishment, like getting into co-dependent relationships and treating each one of those like a lottery ticket. Like, 'Maybe this one will work out.'”

Favor

“I have a friend whose parents live in Jackson, where my parents live. They’re one of my closest friends and they were around for the super dark part of 2019. I'll try to talk to the person who I hurt or I'll try to admit the wrongdoing that I've done. I'll feel so much guilt about it that I'll cry. And then I'll hate that I've cried because now it seems manipulative. I'm self-conscious about looking like I hate myself too much for the wrong things I've done because then I kind of steal the person's right to be angry. I don't want to cry my way out of shit.”

Song in E

“I would rather you shout at me like an equal and allow me to inhabit this imagined persona I have where I'm evil. Because then, if I can confirm that you hate me and that I'm evil and I've failed, then I don't any longer have to deal with the responsibility of trying to be good. I don't any longer have to be saddled with accountability for hurting you as a friend. It’s something not balancing in the arithmetic of my brain, for sin and retribution, for crime and punishment. And it indebts you to a person and ties you to them to be forgiven.”

Repeat

“I tried so hard for so long not to write a tour song, because that's an experience that musicians always write about that's kind of inaccessible to people who don't tour. We were in Germany and I was thinking: Why did I choose this? Why did I choose to rehash the most emotionally loaded parts of my life on a stage in front of people? But that's what rumination is. These are the pains I will continue to experience, on some level, because they're familiar.”

Highlight Reel

“I was in the back of a cab in New York City and I started having a panic attack and I had to get out and walk. The highlight reel that I'm talking about is all of my biggest mistakes, and that part—‘when I die, you can tell me how much is a lie’—is when I retrace things that I have screwed up in my life. I can watch it on an endless loop and I can torture myself that way. Or I can try to extract the lessons, however painful, and just assimilate those into my trying to be better. That sounds kind of corny, but it's really just, what other options do you have except to sit there and stare down all your mistakes every night and every day?”

Ziptie

“I was watching people be restrained with zip ties on the news. It's just such a visceral image of violence to see people put restraints on another human being—on a demonstrator, on a person who is mentally ill, on a person who is just minding their own business, on a person who is being racially profiled. I had a dark, funny thought that's like, what if God could go back and be like, ‘Y'all aren't going to listen.’ Jesus sacrificed himself and everybody in the United States seems to take that as a true fact, and then shoot people in cold blood in the street. I was just like, ‘Why?’ When will you call off the quest to change people that are so horrid to each other?”

(x)

[velvetvexations]

I'm not saying the real thing doesn't happen, maybe it does often — and I just haven't seen it much because most irl trans spaces I've been to were over mostly trans fems and they usually asked us about trans masc stuff when they didn't know — but I feel like there's a possible other side to the issue of "afab trans people using their agab against trans fems" which is that online at least trans masc experiences are way too often just assumed. Both cis and trans people who don't want to listen to us love to talk about which issues we do and do not face, how we did and did not grow up and how it did or did not affect us.

So that's how you get TERFs assuming that we must have been raised to believe that girls can't do things boys can and that's why we think we aren't girls and some trans people assuming the opposite, that we got to wear and do whatever we wanted and never had to experience misogyny because our masculinity was seen as superior and encouraged.

But if you make assumptions, you will upset people whose experiences you're misrepresenting and you may get pushback from said upset people.

I think we all know how hard it is to put the transmasc experience into words in a way that doesn't imply that female/male socialization is a real and universal, so I can imagine why someone who's upset might say some things in a way that could make trans fems feel attafked and invalidated in their femininity.

There are trans mascs who weren't allowed to do or wear anything masculine whatsoever as children, there are afab trans people who were beaten for wanting to do things boys do and forced to marry and have children young, there is still systemic misogyny that affect all trans people who happen to have been born with a uterus and vagina, girls and "girls" are still more likely to be paid less for the same work and less like to be encouraged to be good at sports or math, more likely to be murdered by romantic partners etc.

I can't blame random normie trans people just living their life for not knowing how to explain all of this in a way that couldn't possibly be interpreted as radfem rethoric implying "trans fems aren't oppressed/don't know what it's truly like to be born a girl" for example in an emotionally charged situation where maybe someone told them to shut up because they don't know what it's like to experience misogyny.

The solution imo is to keep working on developing trans theory to make it more inclusive so that we can find ways to express those ideas and spread awareness in less confrontantial ways. So much time & effort is spent just pushing back against transphobia, which don't get me wrong is important but I hope we get to a point where we (trans masc & other gender diverse ppl) can just talk about our experiences and have people listen and vice versa we would enjoy reading transfeminist theory a lot more if we could expect it to be inclusive or at least not to be making up falsehoods or generalizations about our lived experiences.

But I can see why disciplining people with an overtly transphobic 4chan insult is much much easier & satisfying for people who refuse to acknowledge their shortcomings.

Honestly, I love you, and I love this analysis, but I think you're being too kind. I think at some point some people have to just...be better. I know I say a lot I think a lot of transradfems are just genuinely awful people - certainly I refuse to be swayed the ones at the top are anything else, to say nothing of the explicit tankies - but even if someone has sympathetic reasons for their transandrophobia and exorsexism, it's like, okay, yeah, we should keep trying to do better at outreach, but at the same time it's absolutely on them to stop coping with trauma by hurting people and ignoring that that is in fact what they're doing. It's not on transmasculine and non-binary people to be their therapists.

And the lengths I've seen people go to, like this very ask, to try and be as patient as possible yet still get met with immediate dismissal and readings that sound like Christian moms explaining how the names of Pokemon are Satanic codewords just boggles the mind.

Like, if I were to say "I disagree" it isn't that I think people should stop trying to be nice, I do think we should be doing what you're saying we should be doing, but at the same time it's their responsibility and can only be forgiven up to a point. No matter what they may have gone through or still go through, they have a responsibility to their fellow human beings let alone trans people to be better.

I'm for sure also not trying to say you're implying otherwise, I don't believe you were saying we should totally let them off the hook and coddle them until they stop being bigoted, but I just feel very strongly about stressing that they have to fix their hearts.

But that's also why Velvet Nation is composed of so many better activists than me. At most what I can do is bite someone's head off and maybe make some people feel like they have a supporter that's passionate enough to get that angry on their behalf. I'm not nearly as constructive as yall and that's more important than me and my woe unto the wicked thing.

[prince-liest]

Don't mind me getting on my soapbox for a moment... a lot of this musing is admittedly for the sake of my own processing of this topic, re: aroaceness. Read at your own peril! <3

I'm generally a very "ship and let ship" kind of person, but I think I would definitely append a little caveat of, like, "As long as you're not being actively invalidating and detrimental to others" to that. Which is a delightfully vague statement that can be interpreted practically any way, I know, hahaha.

In the case of this particular post I've just been thinking about how, like... seeing an aroace character like Alastor get written into dozens upon dozens of PWPs (including ones that don't even touch on the subject of his aceness at all) is really not something that I personally find to be hurtful or offensive. It's just smut for the sake of smut, of a character people want to see awful, sexy things done to (or doing). Valid! I vibe with you! More people should just write the PWPs they want to see in the world!

But on the other hand, I've several times seen this very particular type of art (usually it's a comic, but admittedly I haven't been reading very many Hazbin Hotel fics so maybe it's there, too) where Alastor is slotted into the "methinks the lady doth protest too much" trope. As in, he's expressing strong feelings about a character (usually Vox or Lucifer, sometimes Angel Dust) to someone, probably Rosie, and the person he's confiding to is some variant of, "Oh, silly Alastor, you're obviously in love!" And then he denies it, says that the very idea disgusts him, and the character titters to themselves about how he's so naive in the matters of romance or whatever.

And it's, like.

The "strong feelings" in question are almost always frustration/annoyance/disgust, and him being like, "Nnnno, I just hate his person" is treated like a silly and naive misunderstanding of his own feelings because obviously he's in love. Please imagine that Alastor was a female character who was established to be a lesbian. Now examine how that suddenly makes this scene feel.

(Also, Rosie being the go-to for this is a little frustrating when she's the one who, in canon, explicitly says that she wouldn't make that assumption of him.)

There's such a chasm of difference between how I see people wanting to ship Alastor for reasons of "I just want to!" vs folks who engage with him being aroace in ways that are infantilizing and invalidating. There are so many people out there - not just aro/ace people, but anyone who's not exclusively into the standard type of person they should be into at the time society deems they should be into them, which is most queer people and even many cishet folks - that have been told that exact kind of thing in real life. It reads like something out of a compulsory heterosexuality guidebook, and it actively makes it harder to leave the closet or even realize that you're in one at all.

So I guess it just feels frustrating to see it get made into a punchline, especially by folks who are shipping queer ships. I genuinely can't wait until fandom society advances to the point of consistently treating aro/acespec folks as queer instead of Queer Lite (TM), because let me tell you, ime the comphet experience and the amato/allonormativity experience are in fact nigh-identical except for how they're treated within online communities. There's a reason the pan -> gay -> ace pipeline is a thing.

But, hey! We're already doing way better than we were in 2012!