#i feel.... like... unbearably. sick.
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you know, you know. no gods, no masters, no kings on pedestals. everyone is fallible. death of the author. you know! you are balanced about your intake of media - you allow the wiggle room, the grace, the gratitude, the skepticism. nobody above criticism.
but still. a weird gut-punch feeling, something akin to betrayal. you read the article. surprise! an author you love is actually: a serial fucking predator.
well, shit. what now. no, you knew he was a person (all people are), but now you're wondering - what have i overlooked by accident? what messages have i internalized that are strange and cruel? and also, like, what the fuck?
his actions lay a thick glaze on top of everything. like each place is now ruined, opaque in a new way. but okay, fine, you've done this before. you knew better, right? you've been betrayed by many a cherished childhood author.
still, this stickiness. fuck. can you pick up that book again. will you read it to your children. you've recommended it to others - will you ever do that again? and of course, of course, no parasocial relationships. you were theoretically above this kind of sentiment. but the artist informs the art, right.
so it's not something as clear-cut as feeling he owed you, specifically (a stranger) better behavior - just that you kind of, in a distant and odd way... sort of trusted him to do better. it's not like a real trust or something speakable, just the faint hope that the product (good books) was a thin representation of the soul. now it feels like the product (good? books?) was a mask. in some small or insignificant way, your previous support of this person lent them power. your money and your time and your laughter.
and the thing is - you have this terrible, echoing sensation. how many times will this happen? over and over. you find out that the singer you love is actually a predator. you learn over drinks that your favorite high school english teacher is in jail for what he did to her. you listen to the news idly and suddenly discover that a woman you used to idolize has been abusing her kids for an actual eon.
what can you touch without the static melting off. you can't even really complain about it too much (you were supposed to know better, and besides, you don't want the same re-split "it's not your fault, love what you love" basic advice), but now it's here. somehow, it feels like - you let him into your life.
it's not that things need to be pure or an artist has to be like, endlessly perfect, mindful. demure. it's more just this terrible truth that has been replayed through your veins so often it feels criminally vain. power corrupts, absolute power corrupts absolutely. did you want any one person to be worth that power?
it's just that he wrote books where he seemed to understand that. he seemed to know about hierarchies and unfair systems and bigotry and privilege. you thought they were books about what it means to struggle. you thought they were about having power and still using it for good rather than for control. he spooned you a narrative of being a good guy, a kind soul. you fucking bought what that fucking monster sold.
maybe that's why they were fantasies, after all.
#spilled ink#warm up#oh im .... sick to my stomach.#i talked to him. like ....... we talked. that man interacted with my poetry and writing.#that article.... gutwrenching. i am so sorry to everyone he's ever even been in the room with.#i feel.... like... unbearably. sick.#he acted like he was cool and friends with me!! we were cool internet writers together!!!!!#i feel sick for even having been polite to him.#i ...... am experiencing something so fucking complicated.#i wonder how many of u are feeling that too. like ''oh i sent him an ask and he was funny and sweet''#THATS HOW THEY GET U. ..... and YES I KNOW!!!#i am so fucking well-read about parasocial relationships. it would just be nice to like. trust that someone ISNT#hiding a huge fucking background of BEING A COMPLETE MONSTER. LIKE WHAT THE FUCK.#by the way i am not part of a fandom. this is “what the fuck i accidentally supported a rapist” not#“but my showww”. like i care far more about like. the human cost.#but also like... people are people. idk i saw a take on here about how nobody should mourn the books#and idk. people almost always reply to any scenario with their personal experience first -#''i knew him'' or ''wow i was just at that store'' or ''i grew up there'' or whatever. because that is how we establish connection &#emotional weight. that's just... a person thing. and there is a difference between 'oh this guy is a monster'' & the feeling of:#he's been a monster and i SUPPORTED THAT. i CELEBRATED him. i !!! a fucking victim myself!!!!!!!!! SUPPORTED . HIM.#i am sick. i feel so much pain for her and everyone he's ever hurt. saying ''the books are ruined'' is i think ... like how people say#they're shocked and disgusted by him. (obviously there's nuance here. im sure there's some creep doin it wrong. but u know. in general)#idk..... im an author. i understand my work is in your life in whatever small way. i understand that connection. it's real.
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Bingqiu AU where Luo Binghe's the chosen village sacrifice to the evil deity who lives up the mountain.
Normally the village sends maidens, but they've more or less run out of expendable girls of the right age and, ahem, "virtues". So of course Luo Binghe's early life bad luck kicks in. In the wake of his mother's death there's no one to really care about what happens to him, he's fairly pretty, and the village leaders decide that if they dress him up like a girl the teenaged homeless kid should pass well enough. And hey, y'know, he's probably got a hard life ahead for him anyway -- dying in a brothel of some venereal disease or on the streets of exposure or starvation. At least as a sacrifice, everyone else gets to benefit from his loss! And the kid will get added to a shrine and be remembered as a hero! If anything, he should be happy about this!
Binghe is not happy about this.
But he's also a skinny underfed nobody who is easily overpowered, dressed up like a bride, and tied to a post. So. Not much he can do but wait for the evil deity to come and do whatever horrible thing he's gonna do to him.
Meanwhile, Shen Yuan is pretty sure he's been isekai'd into the over-powered hero of some kind of supernatural adventure story? He's not totally sure because he doesn't recognize the setting, but the signs are there. He's got a shrine-like base of operations (though it seems to have become corrupted/ruined, probably he has to restore it somehow), he has a very resilient and handsome new body with spiritual energy of some kind flowing through him, and a very clearly magical sword. Plus lots of neat starter powers! Though it feels like he has other abilities that have been blocked somehow? Probably he has to level up in order to access them.
When he treks out of his "base" and finds what seems to be a distressed maiden, he takes it for his beginner hero mission. The girl claims that she's been doomed to be sacrificed to an evil god. That sounds a little above Shen Yuan's pay grade for dealing with, so he unties her and decides that they had better just get out of the whole region altogether. He already packed up anything useful from his base, anticipating he might get caught up in an adventure once he left, so they follow the river away from the settlement until they reach another one.
While they travel, Luo Binghe tells Shen Yuan about the cursed deity, Shen Qingqiu, who was cast out of the heavens for slaughtering one of his brethren and has apparently being do-who-knows what to maidens from the local village in exchange for his "protection" ever since. Sounds like a real asshole! And also mid-level boss type bad guy at least. Shen Yuan hopes he doesn't have to fight him, but he probably will.
Thank goodness he found Binghe, though! Clearly the helpful little sister type! He's definitely going to require her assistance if he's going to figure out how to navigate this world and level up his skills enough to take on a god.
#svsss#bingqiu#scum villain's self saving system#scum villain#luo binghe: I don't know why the evil deity toys with me this much but as long as he is amused then he's not killing me#luo binghe: each day he lets me live is another blessing especially since I have no hope of escape#luo binghe: is it for some sick amusement that he drags me to and from the dens of monsters and feigns ignorance?#luo binghe: if I reveal that I know the truth will the ruse end? does he do this with all his sacrifices?#luo binghe: or is he toying with me because he knows that I'm not really a maiden at all? standing on this knife's edge is unbearable#luo binghe: and yet somehow this is the most stable my life has been ever since the death of my poor mother#luo binghe: the world is cruel -- perhaps if I become whatever it is this god desires I might be shielded from more of it for another day#luo binghe: wait I have heavenly demon blood? then... perhaps my dark master considers me a suitable companion thanks to this?#luo binghe: are we two companions in this wretched world? outsiders sharing scorn and thus only able to find solace in each other?#luo binghe: is this what it feels like to care and be cared for? it's been so long I had almost completely forgotten it#shen yuan: gosh these upgrades are getting convoluted I wish I had a skill menu or something#shen yuan: oooh neat a slime! easy exp!
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KEEP GAME CONSOLE RUNNING
#my art#digital art#artists on tumblr#petscop#paul leskowitz#petscop paul#explodes and cries and vomits and rips up the carpet and starts eating drywall#the closer we get to halloween the worse my petscop illness gets#PAAAUUUULLLLLLLL AAUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHHH#paul cant leave his room and hes ROTTING. trapped in the family's house with no escape from the game. day in day out just playing petscop#bc hes obsessed. he needs to solve the mystery no matter how sick and distressing it becomes. bc hes obsessed#fuck. this part of petscop always fucks me up bc imagine how torturous it is#trapped in a house with ppl you dont like. that holds such horrible memories#you cant sleep bc the game is haunting you. both literally and figuratively#no matter how much it begs you cant turn it off and you cant stop thinking about it and when you sleep-#you see the red buzz of the screen behind your eyelids and the wailing alarm its letting out is unbearable#eventually you just give up and go back to playing the game bc you cannot escape it as long as you keep yourself in this fucking house#um anyways#i feel like when i make these posts i accidentally channel paul for a minute#tw eyestrain
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𝐃𝐚𝐲 𝟕: 𝐀𝐭 𝐡𝐨𝐦𝐞; 𝐥𝐢𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐲 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐦𝐞𝐭𝐚𝐩𝐡𝐨𝐫𝐢𝐜𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐲



"Langga, can we stay inside today?"
"Mnh? 'Ya planned on goin' out?"
"Kinda? But I changed my mind."
"What made 'ya change 'yer mind?"
"...'cuz it feels so comfy being here with you."
#usually i do like dragging him gods know where for the hell of it#however there are days that i just wake up with him in bed and i dont want anything else other than that#the soft and fluffy sheets; his warmth right beside me; and the open expression on his face first thing in the morning#i am so unbearably and hopelessly in love with him#in the evening we'll just cook in the kitchen food for dinner#after a while i'll offer to play some music on the turntable and the two of just dance in each other's arms#laughing at every little thing we could think and just enjoying each other's presence#*sobs*#feels hit harder when you're sick#ack—#14 days of cupid's arrow#w/ hoshina soshiro#sss.comᯓᡣ𐭩#stormy nights and lilacs
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i’m sorry but the postdrome migraine phase has got to be the stupidest thing ever invented. what do you MEAN i’m no longer in excruciating pain but i can’t even feel properly relieved because i’m weak and exhausted and unwell and weirdly emotional???? what do you MEAN the vast majority of people with migraines experience this phase and there’s no real advice beyond ‘rest, hydrate, and hang in there ✌️’ ????????
#like obviously this is better than the whole unbearable throbbing headache thing#but um i feel like a tiny pathetic mouse peeking out of someone’s pocket in the worst way#that analogy made no sense but consider my brain is still coming back online#liv speaks#sick and tired
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i hate when people are mean but also i get really obsessed with people who are mean because i feel like its gonna prove that im a likeable person finally if even someone who isnt really nice can like me. and thats just like really stupid but idk how to get it out of my head >_>
#idk im sick of always being annoying and unbearable to everyone i guess#even when people are nice to me i feel like it wont last long. like theyre gonna get worn out at some point#and it makes me annoying and a bad friend to feel this way but idk how to stop#awoo
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having a bad time
#can’t stop thinking about how bad i feel#both emotionally and physically#and then when i try to stop thinking about it and just feel it#it becomes completely unbearable#keep thinking about how i’ve ended up so alone/lonely again#and how much i cannot comprehend or accept or tolerate that#and then i’m just like well all this pain is too much for me to bear#so i wish i just didn’t exist instead#i will probably never get out of feeling this way#and like i knowwww i will eventually and feelings pass and pain passes or at least changes#but i will end up back in the same feeling or at least a similar one#that is inevitable#and i feel like i’ve not only reached my limit with myself#but like the world has reached its limit with me#i feel like there is nothing left for me unless i create it myself#maybe that’s just reality#but i feel like no one else cares about what i create#and maybe i’m wrong but i’m too scared to share it or even TRY to do it#because i can’t handle more of the same#humans NEED each other right?#but i have just been left behind too many times#and i can’t go through this again and again#i’m too tired#sometimes i really wish my health scare last summer just killed me for good#sorry for all of this lol#i hate being so traumatized that i can’t fucking function at a baseline#i hate being so sick nothing i do mattwrs#even resting is impossible#i rest in hope that i might not get worse and that’s the only illusion of control i have#the idea of getting better feels like a pipe dream at this point
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so i might be. anxiety.
#what do you do when you want the email to find you this time.......#i do think this waiting is doing unbearable things for me#roommate is sick and we need food and my ass did NOT go grocery shopping today#i even skipped longsword tonight :( i don't want to go without her yet#it's dark and snowy and i don't really feel like getting beat up tonight even if i know the movement will be good for me
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#I'm having a bad day/night#stuff on top of stuff on top of being sick#I'm so tired of feeling insufficient#i really don't like that fall seems to be a trauma anniversary time for me#cause I think that's what's happening#fucking unfair that the only good season would cause me immense and unbearable sadness#rude >:(#and I'm afraid of asking my doctor for antidepressants because I'm already gaining weight on my own#I don't want I grow out of all of my clothes. I like my clothes. I've made a lot of them#but I guess if it's either memory-wiping misery or make a new wardrobe I'll take the new wardrobe??#hard fuckin sell tho.#(are there factors that I could theoretically fix and that would help the sadness? yes. am too much of a coward? also yes)#endev talks to herself#god. fuck. sigh.
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I feel like such a captive to my mental health.
#went to the science museum with some friends for one of their birthdays and we wanted to see the space film in the dome#which the dome is a massive theater where the screen wraps around the ceiling and such#and we took some edibles beforehand to have fun and I didn’t even take like half#and it wasn’t even that but my motion sickness made the first ten minutes so unbearable that I had to leave#and I had an anxiety attack on the way home like the first real one in like months#it’s a great reassuring thing to have happen when I’ve been trying to work on my anxiety with actually doing shit and interacting w people#I feel like I failed but like the first part was good at least???#my mom gave me money to get lunch on the way back and I couldn’t even stop I was shaking and felt like passing out#godDAMMIT dude I was doing so good#anyway I’m gonna relax because I’m exhausted now and I ordered jimmy john’s so I didn’t have to go out#fucking anxiety#hmh
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five out of six staff members at work (including me) got sick in the span of several days. cool
#since the pandemic every of my cold feels too heavy and too unbearable altho all i get is rainy nose and a bit of sore throat#but it feels like i'm dying#officially i got coronavirus for one time only#but it feels like i already had it like 10 times. tests were negative tho#hate this shit sooooo much#i don't wanna be sick anymore!!! i'm not a 10yo anymore that is happy to skip school bc of my cold
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Made the mistake of listening to music that makes me think of the dream story™ Grim girlie girlieeeeeee *disintegrates*
#rat rambles#oc posting#shes soooo. so. screams in agony.#thinking abt the final boss. thinking abt her catching herself abt to straight up murder two literal children. thinks abt her going the#whole fight getting battered and torn apart again and again and yet pain that ends up so unbearable that she almost tears herself apart#over it was an ordinary attack from a normal ass person thinking abt how desperately shes clung onto being the hero for so long that she#cant bear the weight of being anything else thinking abt her a few days prior relistening to voicemails on her phone imagining theyre in#the room with her imagining the warmth of their touch realizing shes beginning to forget what that feels like and forcing herself to let#those memories and emotions flow through her fingers like sand#ignore me I am unwell abt this fucked up teenage girl#I should really talk abt this story more its sick as hell actually#I should also y'know. design the characters. but that can wait for however many years I can put it off
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You miss one (1) physics class in grad school and suddenly you’re three semesters behind got your bachelors degree revoked and have forgotten what a particle is
#I had to run out of my first class and threw up in the bathroom lol 👍#it was like the last 5 minutes tho at least#so there’s no way I was going to do fucking uhhh. quantum mechanics after that#I barely made it off the bud without throwing up again#*bus back home#anyway that was Monday and today I was like ummmmmmmmmmm#.txt#like#I was feeling nauseous before class but in my defense I always feel nauseous in the morning#I can never tell if it’s just bc I’m hungry or bc of something actually going on#so I didn’t know until it got unbearable#at least I didn’t throw up before hand I would have cried if I had to miss my first class. which I love with all my heart and soul#looks at you smugly with my perfect attendance record#I’d just feel bad if I got anyone sick tho#but I always wear a mask anyway so hopefully it was okay
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woke up feeling a very strong need to eat healthier and im now introducing an "i have to drink 8 ounces of water before every meal or snack" rule let's see how this one goes
#im really sick of the habits i introduced at my server job#this feeling like i don't know when ill eat and that i have to eat everything to prevent it from being wasted#is making me so unbearably hungry all the time i want to eat more normally
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🎗️ Save Our Lives 🎗️
📝 Note: A week ago, I suddenly lost my fundraising campaign after GoFundMe decided to shut it down.
💰 My campaign had reached $50000, but I only received $13000, which means I lost approximately $37000
💔 This campaign was meant to support my family and my brother-in-law’s family. It was not easy—I worked day and night to raise this amount to save my family from war and to treat my daughter. Now, I am starting again from scratch and need your support.
🌍 Hello again, I am Amina from Gaza.
🔥 I have been living in war, fear, and destruction for almost a year now, and we have no idea how much longer this will last.
🏠 We have been displaced from our home more than 10 times. Each time, I prayed it would be the last, but there was never any safety.
🚪 We were eventually forced to consider leaving, searching for security in a place where security does not exist.
💔 This war has drained our bodies and souls—we no longer have the energy to keep going.
🥶 We have endured hunger, thirst, cold, and unbearable hardships beyond human imagination.
🕊️ Never did we think we would experience this. We lost our loved ones.
😞 My friends are gone. I am left alone, searching for a way to survive.
⚠️ I don’t want to die, but I fear death, especially after my children and I barely escaped from under the rubble.
⚫ It was a horrifying experience—one that is impossible to imagine.
🖤 Being buried under rubble with your children, trapped in complete darkness, is a terrifying thought.
💭 Losing your dreams, your hopes, and the life you once planned—all in an instant.
⚰️ We do not deny death, but we do not want to live it over and over again.
🌅 I once had a beautiful life with my children and family, but suddenly, we lost everything.
⛺ Now, we live in a plastic tent, which no human can endure.
☀️ Standing inside it during the daytime feels like melting under the heat.
🦟 We suffer from insects, diseases, and a complete lack of privacy.
❓ Imagine living like this!
🩺 My sick daughter desperately needs medical care and proper treatment, but her condition is worsening daily.
💔 I fear losing her after already losing so many family members.
🏚️ I have lost my home, my job, and my entire previous life.
😢 Things here are worse than you can imagine. Reality is painful.
🚨 I do not want to die.
🙏 Please help me save my life and my children’s lives. We need to get out of here life is impossible.
❤️🔥 Your donation can save our lives.
✋ It is our only hope. Together, we can reach this goal.
💖 Please, help us.

🔹 My campaign has been verified by:
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#free gaza#gaza fundraiser#gaza#gaza genocide#oc art#traditional art#artists on tumblr#nail art#original art#my art#digital art#artwork#art#ai art#furry art#gazaunderattack#gaza gofundme#help gaza#stand with gaza#gaza strip#halloween#obsessed#arcane#arcane spoilers
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