#i fucking hate it here. i'm so miserable and i'm in pain because my fucking shoulders and back are killing me

[bro-atz]

sore all over

in which: san hates seeing you miserable during your period, and he wants to help any way he can.

pair: san/afab!reader

word count: 2.2k

content: smut, pwp, nicknames (baby), established relationship, lowkey kinda self-indulgent shhh, period sex, safe sex, completely consensual!

rated: R | nsfw — minors do not interact

author's note: thank you @k-hotchoisan @ja3hwa @temptaetions @flurrys-creativity @mercif4l for the input (and the validation i lowkey needed to write this lol)

Not going to lie, San was a little worried when you didn't get out of bed all day. Well, you technically did get up to drag yourself to the bathroom every so often, but then you immediately went back to bed. He knew that you were in a lot of pain because of your period, but he didn't realize that you were going to be completely out of commission that day.

Usually, your periods didn't hit you that hard, but this time around, it was like you were being stabbed in the uterus over and over again. Your entire body was aching like there was no tomorrow, and you truly thought it was going to be over for you because no matter what you did, you were in a world of pain. Hot packs didn't help, painkillers didn't help— nothing was working to alleviate your pain. So, you just curled yourself up into a ball and hugged a pillow to your body while burying your face in the pillow.

"Baby?" San asked as he approached you on the bed slowly from behind you. "Are you okay?"

"No," you mumbled into the pillow. "I wanna die."

"Don't say things like that, baby," San said with a frown.

"How about I kick you in the balls, then you talk?" you couldn't help but retort. "You would wanna die, too, wouldn't you?"

San shivered at the thought of anything hurting his crotch. He shook his head to keep himself from derailing from his original thought and said, "Well, I'm here to help you, baby. Can I do anything else to help you?"

You tried turning to face him, but your back was so sore that it hurt when you moved even a millimeter. Still laying on your side, you grunted in slight pain as you pulled your shirt up slightly and asked, "Can you massage my back for me please? My lower back?"

"Of course I can," San replied.

San knelt on the bed, his knees on either side of you at first as he waited for something, although you had no idea what until he spoke again.

"Shouldn't you lay on your stomach for me to massage your back, baby?"

You huffed in frustration, but before you could even contemplate turning, San said, "Never mind. Don't move— I think I can still massage you well from the side."

"You sure?"

"Yes, baby," San said as he left a light kiss on your temple. "I want you to feel comfortable."

San ended up lying on the bed right behind you, his warm hands resting on the small of your back. He pressed his thumbs into the dimples on your back, and you groaned. It was still painful, but the pressure from his thumbs did alleviate some of the pain, so it was worth the momentary suffering.

Every time San pressed his fingers into your back, you groaned and sighed, the massage actually working better than the hot pack did. You found yourself pushing your body towards his magic touch, sighs of pleasure tumbling out of your mouth as his massage continued.

What you didn't realize, though, was that San was getting harder with every passing second because your moans were incredibly sensual. He knew that you were in pain and suffering because of your period, but he so badly wanted to fuck you in that moment because you sounded so fucking sexy to him with your constant moaning and groaning.

Now that the dull, throbbing pain in your back was slightly relieved, you felt your breasts get more sore. You dropped the pillow you were hugging to the floor and tried to massage your own breasts, but your hands were too weak to get the same level of pressure that San was using on your back. So, you asked, "Can you... Can you also massage my breasts, please?"

"Of course, baby. Whatever you want," San murmured.

San's hands slithered up your shirt, his palms resting flat on your ribs, his fingers brushing your underboob. As he hugged you from behind, he pulled you closer to him, your back flush against his chest. He then gripped your breasts gently, his fingers pressing into your sore breasts and starting to massage them. However, when you moaned in slight frustration, he immediately used more power and gripped your breasts tightly. As he did so, his fingers brushed past your nipples, making you moan loudly and erotically as hell. Embarrassed, you covered your mouth, your face heating up.

"That was so cute, baby," San teased as he buried his face in your hair. "Can you make that noise again for me? Please?"

"N-No. Shut up," you rejected.

Despite you rejecting him, San was determined to make you moan like that again.

"S-Sannie," you moaned when his fingers started pinching your nipples. "I-I'm really sensitive right now, baby..."

"Do you want me to stop, then?" he asked you, his breath tickling your neck and his low voice tickling your brain.

"God, no... Don't stop..."

San chuckled. He pinched the slightest bit harder before tugging on your nipple. You arched your back and sighed sensually as he continued to tug. You reached back for his head and ran your fingers through his hair. You gripped the roots of his hair and tugged his head back slightly whenever he rubbed your nipples in his fingers.

Your eyes began fluttering the more he massaged, and you completely closed your eyes when you felt him begin to leave small little kisses in the nook of your neck. You were thoroughly enjoying his massage and got sucked into your own little world of pleasure, only for your eyes to fly wide open when he pressed his pelvis into your ass.

"Sannie, you're turned on right now?" you couldn't help but giggle as you asked.

You managed to reach back and cup his clothed hard-on in your hand, the man moaning slightly as you did so. His breathing hitched as he replied, "How can I not be when I'm touching you like this... And while you're moaning like that...?"

Finally, thanks to his hard work, your soreness was relieved just enough for you to turn in his arms. You palmed his cock over his pants and whispered, "How about I help you with this, then? It's my turn to help you, after all."

"Actually," San said slowly before gulping nervously. "I think there's a way we can help each other out, baby..."

"What do you mean?"

You were honestly left completely shocked when San suddenly got up from the bed and disappeared from your bedroom. However, moments later, San returned with a couple of towels and a condom.

"Do you think you can get off the bed for a second, baby?" San asked you.

"W-What— You can't be serious right now, San," you said in disbelief, your eyes wide.

"I read online that having sex on your period should help with your cramps," he explained to you.

"But— Won't the blood freak you out?" you questioned.

"It's a natural thing, baby. Why would I be freaked out?"

"It'll get all over you, and it'll stain the bed sheets! Also, it's dirty—"

"That's what the condom and towels are for," he interrupted you. "Don't worry, baby. We don't have to if you don't want to, but I think we could at least try it out."

Honestly, you had read the same information online about the benefits of having sex on your period, and it did cross your mind to ask your boyfriend to fuck the ever-loving shit out of you, but you didn't think he would be open to having sex when you were bleeding; so him being so willing to have sex with you on your period without you even asking kind of freaked you out a bit, and you would've probably pushed back a little harder had it not been for your hormones turning you on earlier when he was massaging your breasts.

You agreed, and San immediately set up the bed. He laid the towels down on the bed and removed the comforter and pillows to make sure they wouldn't accidentally get stained. He had you strip down to nothing before having you lay down on the bed.

As you laid on the towels, you were already worried about bleeding onto them, and you couldn't help but fidget. Noticing the slightly stressed look on your face, San quickly removed his own clothes and rolled the condom on his twitching, hard cock before straddling you. His fingers held your chin gently, forcing you to look at him as he lowered his body onto yours.

"Baby, don't think about it as blood. Think of it as lube, only red," he said calmly. "And if you're so worried about the color, then just close your eyes, okay?"

With a soft exhale, you nodded. Your eyes fluttered shut as San got closer to you, his lips meeting yours. He kissed you softly and slowly, your mind melting as his kisses got more sensual. You didn't have a single care or worry with the way San was kissing you in that moment, and you were so out of touch from everything else that you didn't realize he was rubbing the tip of his cock along your cunt.

San pushed his cock into you slowly but easily, his cock filling you up. You moaned against his lips, your hands clutching the towels underneath you as you started unintentionally getting nervous again. As a result, you couldn't help but clench your cunt, and of course, San felt your nervousness.

"Baby," San interrupted your chain of kisses with a soft sigh. "Relax..."

His hands reached for your arms. He brought them up and laced his fingers with yours. He kissed you again, and when he felt your cunt finally relax, he started moving. His waist rolled into yours slowly, and the dull pain you felt earlier started melting away thanks to the friction from his cock. You couldn't help but sigh with relief the more he moved in and out of you.

"You feeling better, baby?" San asked you, his forehead pressing against yours.

"A little bit, yeah," you admitted softly.

"Then, can I move a little faster?"

San lifted his face so he could look into your eyes. You opened your eyes and nodded before closing your eyes again— technically, San was blocking your line of sight, but you were still worried that you were going to see red, so you closed them again. San buried his face in the nook of your neck, his breath hitting your collarbone. He started rutting into you a little faster, making you sharply inhale and moan while exhaling.

The wet sound of his waist meeting yours repetitively was honestly freaking you out a little bit. No matter how you tried to think about it, you knew that the wet sound was not your arousal or lube, but before you could spiral thinking about it, San moved his lips to your ear, and he started whispering sweet nothings into your ear, drowning out the sound of him fucking you.

Your entire body started shifting along the towels as San not only sped up but started thrusting harder. He let go of your hands to hook his arms under your legs, pushing them upwards, easing the strain on your lower back as he quite literally bent you in half. You could hear him grunting and moaning softly in your ear with every thrust; you could tell he was close, and honestly, you didn't realize you were as well until he grabbed your breasts again.

San intentionally rubbed his fingers against your nipples, the pleasure from how sore they were building rapidly within you. It was when San rammed his hips into yours as hard as he could, hitting your cervix with the tip of his cock, did you cum. You moaned loudly and pushed your head back while arching your back as you came, San's cock still buried inside you.

As you came, you clenched your cunt tightly, giving San's cock the right amount of pressure for him to cum as well. He moved up so he could hold your waist tightly and thrust a couple more times into your cunt. He groaned and sighed, meeting your same decibel as he filled the condom he had on his cock with his seed. Hs cock twitched and throbbed inside you as he finished, and he dropped his head back into the nook of your neck.

The two of you were breathing heavily at that point. You remained in a puddle on the bed as San got up to take the condom off and properly dispose of it before returning to your side. He wiped his fingers on one of the towels as you finally reopened your eyes to look right into his eyes, still afraid to see the damage done from him fucking you during your period.

"We should get cleaned up, baby," San said. "Why don't I help you?"

San tucked his arms beneath your back and legs, lifting you off the bed. You held onto his shoulders as he walked you to the bathroom.

"Besides," he continued. "We could always go for round two in the shower. Right, baby?"

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[aberooski]

I'm seriously hanging on by a thread right now I might just go drop dead 😭

[mildmayfoxe]

when are they gonna invent something that makes periods stop altogether this birth control aint doing shit

[guhhhhhhhhhhh]

I moved to a new place and it's right across the street from this bar that's like THE live music place in town, and they basically have shows every night of the week and my bedroom faces it and I also have an exterior door that is Not Soundproofed AT ALL and I think I'm going to loose my mind because last night. SUNDAY NIGHT. They had a heavy metal band going until 2am and I could not sleep and if the same thing happens again I'm going to just.... cry idfk. The worst part is that it's good music. Like right now they're playing some good live jazz. But like. It's loud enough that It's like it's just playing in the other room. Which is a pain in the ass.

And also there's an earwig problem in my room so I haven't been able to unpack or put things where they're supposed to go because of that and this morning one of them LITERALLY CRAWLED OUT FROM HNDER THE CAP OF MY ALLERGY PILL BOTTLE AS I WENT TO PICK IT UP and like somehow this place is better than our last place but the downsides. The downsides are Big and, naturally, are only affecting me :) because my roommate is a ridiculously heavy sleeper and so far has not encountered any bugs :))

[i-cant-sing]

Okay but I need yall to help me figure out the character(s) for the following scenario:

Imagine a romantic yandere falling for reader, and ofc reader isn't in love with yandere for obvious reasons like red flags. Maybe they did try dating, Yandere is a charmer, comes from a rich family, he's smart and hardworking and oh so head over heels in love with you. He's always taking you out on best dates, HAS to get you the largest fucking bouquets (excellent taste in flowers) and buys you expensive but well thought out gifts.

But for whatever reason, things dont work out and you break things off hastily and most likely over the phone before leaving the country. And yandere just- breaksdown. I mean my man does not have a good mental health as is, but you leaving, actually leaving him just breaks him down and he has a full blown panic attack.

I'm talking about yandere falling to his knees, clutching his chest and gasping for air, tears streaming down his face as he screams your name like a mad man. His family, they love him, they adore their son/brother/grandchild sm, it pains them to see him in such a miserable state. Yandere man is so delirious that he has to be sedated, tranquillised by medical professionals because he's just losing his fucking mind, babbling your name over and over again like a mad man. His condition only worsens as time passes, and so his family decides to take drastic measures because they can't see their beloved son/brother/grandkid so fucking dead and depressed and a shell of a once bright man. They love him so much, they only want ti see him happy, so they use their money and influence to track you down and try to convince you to return and take yandere back. When you refuse, they take the high way and force you to come with them, dragging you kicking and screaming to their private jet and fly all the way home, where yandere is.

You're in a dishevelled state, tears running down your cheeks as you struggle to free yourself from their grasps as they take you to yandere. And when yandere sees you... for the first time in months, his family sees the light return in his eyes as the yandere reaches out for you, scared that you're just his mind playing tricks. When he finally touches you, he is immeadiately pulling you into a hug, arms tightening around your body like a gilded cage as he cries into your shoulder and thanks his family for bringing you back. His family only smiles with tears in their eyes as they lock the door behind them when they leave, so that you don't go running away. Meanwhile, yandere has pulled you into his lap and he's looking at you with such sad eyes, staring at each feature of yours over and over again as if to memorise it all again. He can't help the tears that continue to slip out of his eyes, maybe he's crying that you're finally here, or maybe he's crying for all the time that's been lost when you weren't here. You fall asleep soon due to exhaustion, but yandere doesn't sleep a wink that night because he continues to stare at you and play with your hair very gently, finally closing his eyes when morning comes and he wraps his arms around you and traps your legs with his.

By now, you guys realise that the yandere's family is not only yandere for their son/brother/grandson but also for you. They are yandede for you too, but they're not allowing you to leave them or their son or even make him unhappy ever again. Some members are willing to let all you "tantrums" slide, while others are not so kind. BUT one thing is for sure, you're ALWAYS safe with yandere s/o, no matter what.

Now, for the characters I've had in kind for this scenario are:

Halim Mehmet Shah and the Shah Family (my ocs)

Dabi/Shotou and Todoroki clan (I am the OG creator of Yandere Todoroki Clan)

I wanna say Naoya or Toji but the Zenin clan hates them both....

Dick Grayson/Jason Todd and Batfam

What do you guys think?

Mood board for this scenario^^^(I love Pinterest)

[gojos-thot-patrol]

I got an ask for a Bully Sukuna x Reader, and while I AM ACTIVELY WORKING ON IT its got me thinking so many thoughtsssss.

I'm thinking about Bully! Sukuna, that made thirteen years of your life miserable. Who had a habit of alway pushing you around, and calling you thr cruelest names, and scaring away any potential romantic partner you had ever had.

Bully Sukuna that you started to develop reluctant feelings for at some point. Wires crossing in your brain and finding some version of control in pretending he covted you- not hated you. You imagined what the world would be like of he used his natural charisma and imposing figure for good rather than evil. If his strong arms protected you rather than hurt you.

Bully Sukuna, who you're unbelievably relieved to get away from after graduation, and absolutely devastated to find at college.

He corners you at a party, drunkenly eyeing you up. "You look good for once." His words are terrifying- because he's never said anything that nice to you before.

"Thanks." You grumble, trying to leave only for him to hold out an arm and stop you. He takes a second to finish off his drink before continuing.

"Where do you think you're going, loser?" He scoffs, haphazardly throwing his empty plastic cup behind him. Which- disrespectful- but you expect nothing less from him.

"Back to my dorm?" You mumbled sheepishly.

"Why? You should just come back to mine instead."

I'm thinking about Bully!Sukuna who always had a desperate crush on you. Who found your charming smile and dazzling eyes irresistible. Who only bullied you because he had no idea how else to get your attention- and bad attention was better than nothing.

Bully Sukuna who made your eyes water, just so he could imagine them later when he was fucking his hands. In his fantasy, they're tears of pleasure- not pain.

Okay, maybe a little bit of pain.

Bully Sukuna who's already drunk when you get to the party, filter long since discarded. Who with the social lubricant of alcohol in his veins actually finds it in him to openly thirst over you. A part of you hates it. A part of you loves it.

A part of you uses this revelation to finally take some control in this dynamic.

You're in his dorm, but you're on top of him. You're riding him for all he's worth, finally using his stupidly sculpted body for your pleasure. And he's crumbling under you, feeling the total bliss that being enveloped in you brings. Your chest fills with pride as he begs you to let him cum. Finally, you have some power here.

Bully Sukuna who won't stop texting you after your little rendezvous. Who wants so desperately to meet back up. And you, dear reader, who reads his texts and never responds. Who gets a little shot of serotonin when you remember the power is finally in your court. You meet up every once in awhile- enough to keep him addicted. But never enough to fully satisfy his need to be with you.

You're starting to wonder who's really the Bully here

[entername322]

One weird day

Yuri (Izone) x Male Reader x Minju (Izone)

Length: 11644 words

Next part

Highschool, such a mixed bag of memory and experience. For you, entering highschool has been very, scary. Not because you heard about how shitty it is. Mostly because you're not ready to grow up so fast. It felt like just yesterday you reached middle school, now you had to live to highschool, and prepare yourself for college?

"Stop dozing off idiot"

A sharp pain on your arm wake you up from your crippling mid life crisis, well, quarter life crisis. "Damn it I don't like highschool", Hearing your words Yuri just rolled her eyes on you. "We haven't even reach school for our first day stupid" You shake your head, "And I already hate feels good man"

"Come on we're gonna be late for our first day" Feeling the tug in your arm you tried to fight her only to fail miserably. "Bro we still have half an hour left for our 5 minute walk", Disregarding your complain Yuri grabbed your arm and made you sprint the rest of the way to school.

"Bro, you look smaller than before vacation", Your best friend, Jin greeted you when he saw you walk in the school grounds with Yuri dragging you. "Fuck you, did you grow again?" He nodded proudly, "Fuck yeah, 189 cm, soon I'll be in the NBA" Yuri rolled her eyes at him. "Heh, keep dreaming dumbass" Jin turned to the girls that's holding you. "Yeah, yeah, nice seeing you here too Yuri, I think you grew shorter", Jin have a thing with death, he likes to tease them by pissing Yuri off. "Damn it, bro help me"

Such a shame, he was so young too. Walking away from the crime scene you went to find your class. 1A, none of your friend is here. Of course you have two friend, one is dead the other killed him.

"Why you leave me bro, et tu brute?", Your ears tingle hearing that name. "Stop it with that name" You don't hate it, it's just weird. "Can't, your performance was too iconic", You left Jin to his injuries as you get in class and put down your bag.

Far back seat, next to the window, the anime protagonist seat. Except, the windows are tinted, a way to make sure the sun doesn't get in the students eye. And the view doesn't get to their mind. You heard Yuri loud footsteps chasing after Jin who bolted out of the area. As Yuri went pass your class she saw you and walked towards you.

"I'm in the same class with that idiot", How does she know? "How did you know?" She sighed, "I checked the announcement in the group chat", Ah yes, the group chat for all the new year students, you didn't read it.

"Idiot", Yuri slapped your head. "Damnit Yuri, go back to your class", She slapped your head again, "Class haven't started yet"

"Jin talked shit about your fatty arms", A bait, a bad one. "Woohoo, Brutus is getting karma" The classroom turns to a colloseum filled with your classmate cheers as Yuri is deconstructing your whole body with her punches. "I'm sorry", You let out a small whimper as she let you go. "Tchhhh", She snorted before leaving you to bleed out from your injuries.

"Hey Brutus, don't step my back when I'm paying attention in class okay?", The guy in front of you tried to befriend you. "Actually Brutus stab Caesar in the front so that he knows that he got betrayed" You don't mind getting new friend. "Oh yeah, fix your glasses when you do that", You're not wearing any. "Here use mine"

Watching the glasses he offered you stare at him silently before taking it. "Ackkshually, Brutus stabbed Caesar from the front to gloat over his dead body to announce his betrayal", He laughed at you before giving you a fistbump. "Perfect, I'm Doyoung"

"I'm-", "Brutus, I know", Seems like you made new friends on your first day.

You glanced at the entrance seeing, an angel. "Who is that?", Granted, you're not the most social person in your middle school, but you are sure you never saw the girl that just walk in. You would've remember someone that pretty.

"New chick, the guys went ham yesterday at the group chat trying to stalk her", Your friend seems to be in daze. The girl looked around before taking the seat next to me. "Act cool brute", You are acting cool, Doyoung isn't.

"I hate that name", Not really. "It suits you", It doesn't. "How", Doyoung just shrugged at you. "It just does", Brutus is not your real name, but it seems the name has already stick.

"Alright everyone, quiet down, get to your seat", Your homeroom teacher silent the class before starting the day, the year, the highschool life. The first class is math, and of course, you don't understand a single thing.

"Alright, let's have an exercise, complete this paper in a group of two please", Ah yes, making group, something you hated. "Brute", Doyoung turned to look at you. You wanted to say yes, but then you glanced to your right to see the new girl is looking around.

"You want to pair up together?", Bros before hoes, since you've only met Doyoung today, like 2 hour ago, he's not your bro just yet. "Uhmmm, okay", She nodded meekly.

Doyoung just stare at you with disbelief before his mouth formed a smile and he shake his head. "I'll get you for this", He mouthed with a smirk before turning to his other friend.

The teacher walked around giving the paper and hand it to you after asking who my partner is. The room got a bit noisy for a second with the sound of tables and chair cluttering as everyone combined their desk to work together. You looked at your new partner before using some geture to ask if she wants to merge desk. She nods so you moved yours to her.

"I'm Minju", She sound shy. "Hey, just call me Brutus, that's what everyone call me anyway", You don't know why you said that but you don't mind the rebranding of yourself. "Right, let's see the exercise", It was a ten question exercise all of which is our of your range.

"It's pretty easy", God hand you help using an angel called Minju. "Full disclosure here, I'm pretty stupid, so I'm sorry but I might be a dead weight", You're an idiot but not scummy. "No it's okay, I can help you", She tried, she really did.

"Listen here Min, I know you meant well, but I think we need to pause our tutoring session. There's not much time left and I already feel bad for dragging you down. You should finish it so you don't get your grade fucked up by me", Saying that made you cringe a little. She has helped you study a little but you just told her off to finish the assignment yourself.

"No it's fine", She waved her arms trying to convince you. "I really feel bad, I already drag you down with being your partner now I have to tell you to finish it off yourself but I really think you should just prioritise your own grade. You can write my name off the assignment", She looked at you for a second.

Oh fuck did I piss her off?

"Sorry, I-i-i-i'll finish it then"

Shit I pissed her off.

You just sat there quietly as she finish the whole assignment. As she finished, she didn't write off your name before handing it to the teacher.

"Sorry" She shake her head, "It's fine", It's probably not fine, for your pride. "It's fine really, I don't mind", She reassure you. "Now you make me feel worse", You accidentally gaslight her. "I don't mean to, it's really fine", She looked concerned. "I'm hurt" Now the position has turned, "What do I do to make you feel better?"

"Uhhhhhh, make me buy you lunch for payment?", Smooth, even Doyoung glanced from the side giving you a thumbs up. "I, okay then", Sweet, you just made another friend, doubling your friend size in the first day already.

"15 more minutes, if you finish your assignment already just raise your hand and I'll take it", Minju nervously opened a book and start writing. "What you doing?", You don't mean to snoop around, you're just bored. "Oh, nothing, it's nothing", She hurriedly close it before looking at you nervously.

"Sorry, don't mean to intrude"

"It's fine"

"You say that alot"

"Sorry"

"Nah don't be, I'm just curious that's all"

"Oh well, ask away"

Bonding time I guess.

"Where are you from?", Kim Minju, recently moved to Seoul, no friend in the school or the city. Likes photography and watching K-drama. As the class ended you went to the bathroom.

Getting a few moment of quiet Minju opened the book she hide from you earlier. It's a diary, where she wrote almost everything that happened in a day. You, been in the school since kindergarten, had a friend named Yuri who likes to, 'send you to god' occasionally. Likes reading and watching movies or show. Not very smart, pretty self aware and open about a lot of stuff.

Your favourite food is honey fried chicken and a strawberry smoothie. Likes cookies and sweet stuff as well. Hobbies include reading and spending the day in bed. During your attempt to know more about Minju you actually spend more time talking than her. Something Minju appreciate since she get to know more about you as well. When you returned Minju immediately closed the book and throw it to her bag.

"Well, should I move back?"

All the other classmates left their table and chair still merged while chatting. You don't want to make her uncomfortable so you asked if you should move. "No, it's fine", Alright, more bonding time. "Okay then, do you know what's next?", You obviously don't know or care about it, but you want to make some chitchat. "The class? From the schedule it seems like Korean?"

"What schedule?", You said confused. "The one in the group" Oh yeah, the group, are you even in it honestly? "Oh, I didn't read that", Carefree and ignorant about school. Minju made mental note for later.

The Korean class was fine, the teacher doesn't mind the seating position and just start handing out essays for us to analyse. "Are you having problem?", Minju think you're an idiot, not in a demoralising way, but in a concerned way. "No, I'm fine, look", She was throughly surprised seeing how through and detailed your comment was. "Oh right, you like reading", Good at literature, another mental note for her.

"Yep, it's I've read more fictional than not but it still have the same rule more or less", Minju seems intrigued. "What's your favourite series then?", You're surprised she's curious about it. "Mistborn, although I loved a lot but that one is the one I find myself revisiting often", Avid bookworm, another mental note. "Oh I like it too, although I haven't really read the second era", Minju like to read, in fact both of you spend the rest of the period to talk about some of your favourite series.

Once the first break came around you still busy talking to her about it. "Bro", Jin announced his arrival with a thunderous roar. He raised his eyebrow watching Minju. "Sup, meet Minju, she's new around town", Proudly, you show off your new friend. "Hello, I'm Jin", Oh, Jin is pulling out his flirting smile again. Yuri squinted at Minju for some reason.

They exchanged greeting, then both of them take the empty seat in front of us. "What's up with the seating here?", Jin said looking around, "Math, they had us do some assignments in a group of two", Yuri immediately know what you did. "And you burdened her by teaming up with her?", Yuri pinched your hand, Minju saw it and frowned. "It's fine, I really don't mind", Yuri still glared at me before smiling at Minju. "Sorry about this idiot, you should be careful he might drag you down", Jin saw a chance and took it, "That's right, if he cause trouble just call me and I'll take care of him"

Minju doesn't like your friend, she thinks they're demeaning you too much. So she grabbed your other hand. "It's really fine, I helped Brutus in math he helped me in Korean earlier", Yuri look at her hand grab which cause some unpleasant feeling in her stomach. "Brutus? You really want to take that silly name?", Jin laughed.

"Listen, some rebranding needs to be done okay?" Such a cheesy name, you rather find it quite funny. "It sounds silly", Yuri find it annoying, mostly because how you got the name. "I think it's pretty funny", Minju find it to be quite cheesy but it's right up her alley.

"Goddamn Brutus already being fight over by two goons", Doyoung came back with his friend. "Doy did you turn this idiot to Brutus?", Jin and Doyoung know eachother from basket you believe. "Perfect name honestly", Perfectly cheesy, "Don't you fucking call him that", Yuri glared at him, "Come on now don't kill me"

You see Yuri's head vein started to pop. You grabbed her hand that's pinching you. "Come on now Yuri, don't be rude to my new friend", You tries to defuse her anger. "Friend, I'm still mad at you for leaving me at math" Doyoung whoped his head dramatically. "Are you good at math?", He smiled at the argument. "Touche, I'm Doyoung by the way, nice to meet you", Jin stare at Doyoung seizing him up. Do note that he doesn't do that when Minju grabbed your arm.

"Oh hello, I'm Minju", Doyoung stare at the two hand you're holding right now before smiling at you. "Very smooth Brute", You stop holding the two girls hand. Minju find it to be unfortunate, she likes how warm your hand is. It's another thing she should add to her diary. Yuri hate it and happy that you let go. That's what she admits even though she felt some disappointment in her heart.

"Sorry guys, we need our seats back", Jin and Yuri reluctantly get off and left the class. "See you at lunch, Brutus" Jin peaced out. "Don't sleep in class again", Yuri is acting like your mom. Minju doesn't like her, she thinks she's too controlling. The word abuser has come up for her to describe Yuri.

Minju is a vixen trying to play with your heart. Yuri doesn't like her, she thinks Minju is up to no good. She kept a mental note to watch her.

"So, your friends seems.......", Minju struggled to find the right word. "Rude?", You helped her, "I was gonna say blunt, but yeah" She smiled. "I mean, that's just how they are", You're all young, politeness is not a thing yet. "You've known them for long right?", She needs to know more. "Well me and Jin know eachother around middle school. He just hangout with me sometimes" Jin doesn't seems like a bad person, but Minju would rather avoid him seeing the visible interest he has on her.

"Yuri, well we're neighbors, like her home is literally next to mine. We've been buddy since we were 3", For a moment Minju imagined what it feels like to have a friend like that. She felt jealous.

I want that, a childhood friend that's always been there for me.

The next period is English. You and Minju is good at the subject. You because you read some English novel, Minju because she's just perfect like that. So during the period you just talk to her some more. An enjoyable experience for you and Minju. Once the lunch break rang you grabbed her hand.

"Let's go to the cafeteria, before it got full", Minju happily grab your hand and hop with you to the cafeteria. "You want some tteokbokki with fried chicken?", Minju was busy enjoying your hand holding and stayed quiet. "Alright", You take her silence as an agreement.

When you wanted to lay she insisted that you alread repay her with the Korean essay but you shut her down by giving your money to the cashier before she can. "Really you don't need to do that", Minju seems kinda cute when she grumbled doesn't she? "Nonsense, come on let's find a place to eat", She has the same idea as you to sit at the corner of the cafeteria.

"Brutus has a new girlfriend already", Someone yells, "Hell yeah bro, on the first day too", Another follows. You're not sure where you get the attention from. It's mostly because the guys was already watching for Minju ever since they saw her in the group chat. Seeing her with you they felt a little dejected, but it's not like they are in a rush. It's only the first day after all.

"Goddamn I never been this acknowledge ever since, well ever", Do you mind it? Kinda. "Yeah, me too", You looked at her with a 'really?' face making her surprised. "Come on now look at yourself", Minju liked your compliments, she never liked being complimented by guys before. "Thank you", She said with a proud grin, "Alright diva", You two laughed as Jin joined you.

"Fuck I hate math, he took so long to teach now the cafeteria is already full", Minju decided to sit a little closer to you to discourage Jin from making a move. "Well, you won't get your food faster by sitting here", Thankfully you accidentally sends him off. "Fuck you", Just like how he come, he goes without explanation.

"What's our last period?"

"Hmmm? I think history"

"I hate history"

"Hahahaha, I thought you'll love it, Brutus"

"Since when does our history teach about the wacky Roman empire"

"Well, you got a point there"

As much as Minju is enjoying the lunch with you, it doesn't last long as Yuri came by. "Move Udon", Yuri is very persuasive, especially when she used her knee on your ribs. "Can you just drop that name already, and there's space there", She doesn't care so you reluctantly moved.

The seat was two seater facing eachother, but since all three are you small as a stick it fits. Minju is next to the wall but she doesn't mind since you get to be very close to her. "Mom wants me to buy some milk and eggs so we're getting a detour on our way home", Yuri feels the need to say that in front of Minju for some reason. "Feel fre to do so, I'm gonna go home and-", She denied your request with a slap to the head.

"That's not very nice", Minju grabbed your head. Some because she's concerned for you, some because she wants to feel up your hair. "Hey, mind your business princess", Yuri feel a weird agitation seeing Minju is caressing your head. "No way I'm letting you abuse your friend like this", Oh no, Yuri vein is popping again.

"Hey, I know this guy ever since I know how to walk, don't snoop around our friendship", Yuri grabbed your hand again. She hate it don't think that she want to hold your hand. In fact she's done it a thousand time already, so don't think anything weird is going on.

"Are you okay?", Minju disregard the angry Yuri and turned to you. This act of disrespect is not gonna slide so easily. "Hey, back off", Yuri glared at Minju, "You first, you're making this place feel small, and we got here first" Yuri rolled her eyes. "It's probably because you're fat", Minju doesn't seems to got hurt over it, she just smiled. "Hmmm? Is it? I guess you are too small to make a difference anyway. By the way are you sure you didj tleft your height in middle school?", Maybe, making 2 friends is s little too much for your new day.

"Girls please, can't we just have a normal lunch", The two looked at you with a frown. "Please?", They sighed but didn't let you go. "Are you okay?", Minju is running her finger through your hair.

Fluffy, can I keep holding on to it.

"I'm fine Min, thanks", She sighed and let go fo your hair. She will find a way to hold it later. "Yuri, can you let me go", Yuri glared at you, she's holding you to keep you safe. Yeah, that's all. "Yuri please", Knowing her for a while you know how to make puppy eyes that she just can't refuse. She can't refuse it because she felt pity seeing you so desperate. Obviously it's not because that look always gave her a heart attack.

"Fine", The two of them have some staring competition here and there but they don't cause any more trouble with you. Jin never came back to your table, you didn't look for him either. You're too busy to make sure no world war happened in the table.

"You shouldn't sleep at the next class Udon. You're in highschool now, the teacher won't be as lenient as before", Yuri scolded you, "I'll be fine", Since you all finished your food you drop down your hand which Yuri took to pinch, and hug. No not hug, she's locking it so you won't take it away.

"It's okay, if there's something you don't understand just ask me", Minju smiled at you and grab your other hand. It's nothing but skin on bones, she needs to change that. "Tchhh, the teacher can teach better"Yuri have a point. "Sometimes a little lesson from your classmates can help you better", Minju does not agree. "A smart one" Yuri scoffed, "Thank you"

Yuri's furious burning gaze and Minju's cold sinister gaze fight over eachother with you in the middle of it all. Yuri  then grabbed your hand tighter, pulling to between her boobs.

Oh fuck that felt good. What? No focus Yuri.

"Don't trust this girl, she's playing with you", She whispered in your ears. For the first time, your childhood friend that's basically your sister has turned into a, woman. Minju frowned and pulled your hand, so much so that you almost fall to her. Reactively you put down your hand to keep your balance. Minju felt disappointed until she saw your hand is between her thighs. With a mischievous smile she immediately wrapped it with her soft pale thighs.

Hmmm, I should move a little bit to the front.

Thankfully for you she didn't. "You know I think since you pay for my lunch I have a debt for you, what if I buy you some smoothie on our way back"

Fuck her thighs is so soft and smooth. Fuck since when did Yuri have such big boobs. FUCK WHAT IS HAPPENING.

"Girls please, let's get to class", Minju showed Yuri a triumphant smile making the latter frown even deeper. "Oh yeah mom is cooking some quiche tonight, come and join us for dinner okay", You love quiche, you don't love it when it's used against you. The two then send eachother glare yet again before the bell rang. "I'll see you later after school Yuri, come on Min time for our last period", Reluctantly the two of them let go of you. You were also reluctant of leaving their embrace. Min didn't let go of your hand much to Yuri dismay. As you two walk into your class she stick out her tongue to Yuri behind your back.

Fucking whore.

The history teacher told us to return our table to the previous state. Minju looked at you separating from her with a sad face. You're not stupid, you see what's brewing between her and Yuri. It's just, weird. Yuri have been your friend for so long you're practically inseparable. You've slept together, spend holidays together. Bath together when you were a kid. Yet today, she seems to find something new about herself regarding you. The changes has happened around late middle school already.

How she always try to protect you, how she doesn't like when other girl tried to group up with you. She's did not deter them from you, that part is on you with your edgy phase. Sometimes you would think about the future, and she will always be there. You think today, she was forced to confront that feeling seeing someone so pretty is around you. You can practically see the change in her mood the moment Minju came to comfort you after she hit you. It's like her whole existence is being tested.

Minju on the other hand is very pretty. Like pretty to anyone standard, but for you, she's the picture perfect manifestation of  beauty. Everything about her looks checked every box in your type. Then there's her personality. Kind and caring, patience too remembering she let you burdened her in math. Not to mention, she's actually a bookworm like you, how many girls you met actually have the same taste in book?

Her current situation is also perfect.

New girl in a new school, new town even remembering she said she just moved in nearby. A secluded girl who seems to be the perfect girl for your type. How many guy would kill to have this exact chances. While you were thinking this, your two friend is also thinking about the same thing.

Minju liked you, she felt a certain familiarity with you after one day. Just like how she's perfect for your type you're also, well, passable for her type. Personality wise, too early to judge but seems promising. Hobbies and interests, perfect fit. Looks? A little too skinny but she don't mind, helping you. More than that, she projected her old memory to your current friendship with Yuri. She wants to protect you, she wants to make sure you never go through what she did. Of course, she's reading too much into it, but she doesn't know that.

Yuri is in turmoil. Somehow, today, your smile seems very different than usual. Your touch seems way more warm. Your stupid smell is also lingering in her mind. She is angry at you for making her feel that way, distracting her from class. Yet above you, there's Minju, someone she's throughly furious at. The new girl just moved in and suddenly got all close and friendly to you? Minju is up to no good, that's the consensus Yuri has reached. She needs to stop Minju, she won't let her hurt you. She might be covering her anxiety of losing you with some stupid reasoning, but she doesn't know it.

The day ended, as Minju was pacing up her things she saw you is ready to leave. No, she can't let you leave yet, you're gonna be taken to the hand of that abuser. "Wait", She grabbed your hand. She has grow fond of the feeling from your soft hands. "All okay Min?", The little name he got for you made her believe that your friendship is already a strong one. "Can we, go walk together?", Inside you is two wolf. One want to spend more time with Minju and solidify your first day friendship. One doesn't want to be in the middle of war again.

"Sure, where do you live?", The former won, the latter screamed that you will regret this with it's last dying breath. "It's just down the street actually, 5 minute walk", Seeing you accept, Minju immediately grabbed her things and put it in her back quickly.

"Let's go", Minju speed up for two things, one she doesn't want to make you wait, second she sees other guy is trying to talk to her. In order to deter anyone from making a move she wrapped her arm around you. A gesture, you appreciate very much. The two of you walked out your class to see Yuri is waiting for you. The gesture isn't as appreciated as before.

"Minju want to walk home with us", With you, she wants it with you. Yuri's face contorted before grabbing your other hand and start dragging you out of the school. "Yuri slow down", You tries to stop her. "Mom need to make her quiche you're gonna make her wait too long", Yet feeling your hand yanked Yuri back, a painful feeling starts to stab her heart.

"Calm down first, Min where's your house?", Minju gloat over Yuri's visible turmoil. "It's down this street, right in that corner, that one", You can actually see her house from the school, it's on the way to your home and right after the convenience store. "Oh perfect, that's on the way home, come on let's get some milk and eggs", Minju smiled to Yuri who is frowning.

The three of you made your way to the convenience store. It was supposed to be milk and eggs, but Minju seems to have a shopping list to fill. "What are you doing, we need to go home", Yuri doesn't like that Minju is holding you up.

"Sorry, I just need a dark chocolate bar", Minju continue dragging you through 5h3 store. "If you really sorry let go of him and go find it yourself. It's faster", Minju stared at Yuri for a second before looking at you. "Ehmm, go find it Min, we'll wait at the cashier", This time, it's her that went to a turmoil, making Yuri smile victoriously. Minju hurriedly scurry off while Yuri dragged you to the entrance.

"You need to stop talking to her", You look at her confused. "What? Yuri are you insane?", She grit her teeth hearing you,"She's up to no good, I just know it", Yuri hate seeing your confused face.

He doesn't know, I need to protect him, I can't let him get hurt because of some whore trying to play with his heart.

"Yuri, we just met today, I'm getting to know her. She's nice, funny, beau-" She doesn't like it, she doesn't like hearing you praise Minju. "You don't understand", She might yell the last part too hard. Seeing everyone in the streets turn to her all the blood on her body start to rush to her face. "I, let's talk about it later", The second wolf was right, you will regret this.

Not long you saw Minju walk out to you. "Sorry for taking too long", Her smile, it's quite pleasant to look at doesn't it? "No problem", Your smile is also quite pleasant to look at, according to her.

"Look, try this on", Minju bring out a sunglasses and put it on you. "You buy a sunglasses?", You laughed fixing it's placement on your face. "I don't know, it looks cool", It's also at a scammy price. "Ughhh, come on, you've stalled us long enough", Yuri pulled you to walk again.

You felt Minju tugged your other arm. Looking back at her you see she has her phone out and took a picture of you. "Huh?", You're not really sure how to respond to that. "Oh no, you look cute when you wear it", Oh, you actually managed to spend the day with her without blushing once. Until now. "Hahaha, the glasses is really good on you", Another picture of you, looking away while the blush is creeping up in your face. "That's your house right? Bye bye", Yuri was squeezing your hand seeing Minju is flirting with you. "Okay, see you later oppa", Since when did you become her oppa? Both you and Yuri was pondering that question when Minju walked into her house.

"Alright, see, she's nice", Yuri just grimaced at you. "Take that sunglasses off", Oh you still wearing it. "Oh fuck, Minju", You ran after Minju while Yuri is squeezing your hand even harder. "Awww, Yuri stop it", She didn't, so you just continue walking in defeat. "Minju, your glasses", Minju walked out of her house again. "Keep it, I didn't buy you smoothie today", Is this gonna be a war between you and her? "Come on take it back", She shake her head while smiling mischievously. Damn does it pierced your heart. "If you don't like it, you can repay me tomorrow, good bye, see you later", She winked at you. Oh yeah this is war, of kindness and favour.

Yuri is fuming, "Alright see you tomorrow", You immediately drag Yuri with you. This time, the chance of murder is actually high enough to be a possibility.

During the walk Yuri can't stop hugging your arm. Her finger occasionally pulled on your jacket, her nails sometimes sinked to it piercing to your skin. "Yuri you're gonna make me look like a cat attack victim" Your hand tried to held hers making certain feelings wells up in her. "Shut up", You shut up.

Yuri dragged you into her house, against your will. "Yuri, don't kill your boyfriend on your first day of highschool", Her mom laughed seeing you two. "He's not my boyfriend", Yuri screamed while putting the groceries on the table before dragging me down to her room.

"Yuri, what is happening to you?", You rubbed your arm. "What is happening to me? You were the one who act like a stupid boy being overdosed by hormone chasing a whore like her" You felt your anger raise hearing her say that. "Yuri, Minju is not a whore", Your cold voice surprised Yuri which she hide by more yelling. "Yeah? I see how she acts around you, she put your hand between her legs just to tease you, she's a fucking whore", For the first time in forever, you actually got angry to Yuri.

"She's not a whore and I don't appreciate your fucking jealousy ruin my new friendship" Yuri's face contorted at your words. "What jealousy are you talking about idiot, you think I did this because I'm jealous of her?", Yuri felt her hand shaking, of all the time you scolded her you've only fought back a few times, enough to be counted in one hand. Yet now, out off all the time you could've fight her you choose today. "Listen, she's a-"

Hail Mary this shit.

You reached out to hug her. You know Yuri doesn't like physical touch. Ever since you two were 15 she stopped hugging you or holding your hands. She become self aware about her own sexuality and stop the physical touch between you. So today, seeing her so touchy with you, it might require drastic measures to calm her.

Why did you never hug me again? I've been missing your touch.

Yuri take a deep sniff of your body. If not for today she might forget how it felt. Your little skeletal body feels so warm and, calming for her. "Yuri, Minju is a nice girl, and I want to befriend her. Relax okay, she won't take me away from you", Your voice seems so calming, since when did you have such a deep voice.

Oh god, I am falling for him. All those time I denied him from any physical touch. I was rejecting my own feelings. Mom is right, this is my boyfriend. And I won't let that fucking whore get him.

As you were waiting for her to respond you felt a sharp pain on your chest. "Yuri", You pulled away from the hug only to find Yuri is already hugging you tight. "Acckkkk, Yuri stop", She let go, looking at you with..... Ecstasy.

"I don't like her, at all", Maybe hugging her was a terrible idea. "Yuri please-" She cuts you off with a finger to your mouth. "But I'll let you befriend her, for now", Well, not, a terrible idea?

"Thank you", She doesn't like hearing your relieved sigh. "On two conditions", No such thing as a free meal. "One, if she got touchy or flirty with you then I'm calling it off", Oh no, you realised you force her to confront her feelings and accept it. "And two, we are sleeping together", Still hugging you, Yuri felt your heartbeat rises, something she take pride off.

He's so nervous, that means he like me too. Oh god I was so stupid, if I would just let us continue our antics we would be married by now.

"What?" Your voice break a little. "We're sleeping together again, at my house, at your house, I don't care" Yuri sinked her head to your chest. "Yuri you know we can't do that?", You can, but you need to make up an excuse. "Why not?", Yuri suddenly whined like a kid making you very surprised.

"Because we're already grown ups", She frowned before grabbing your arm and pulled you downstairs. "Mom I'm sleeping with oppa", Two girls make you their oppa today. "Oh? That's a quick change, okay honey have fun", Yuri smiled happily before dragging you back to her room.

"Yuri, since when am I your oppa" The whole thing is so confusing. "Since now, get on the bed, we're having a nap", Without waiting Yuri throw you to the bed and jumped on you.

"Yuri" You tried to sat up. "Ssshhh, go to sleep oppa, I'll be right here, I'll keep you safe", Out of your expectations she reached in and kissed your cheek. Something that scares you, also arrouse you a little. "Don't be so nervous oppa, I promise I won't bite again if you play nice", That's a lie, she will bite you again, but later. "Yuri, I need to change my clothes and- ackkk", What a nice boyfriend, you gave her the chance to bite you again now. This time, it's on your neck. Despite you flaunting your limbs she doesn't stop until she's finished.

"There, that'll look good on you, oppa~~", Your hand reached out to grab your neck, feeling the stinging pain as you touch it. "Did you leave a mark?", She just giggled before putting her head on your chest again. "Yuri" Yuri pulled back your hand and sleep. "Enough oppa, it's been a long day, get some rest", She put her finger on your lips, and you feel she will put another thing on it if you keep resisting. Reluctantly you lay your head down, closing your eyes."Good night oppa, my oppa"

As you and Yuri is having a nice, platonic sleeping session, Minju is busy writing down her diary. All the detail she notices from you. All the funny feelings she has for you. She printed out the picture she took of you before and glued it to the diary. Writing and writing on, she didn't realised she's taken 16 pages writing just about you. The day already settled as the sun sets. Your two pictures is hanging on her desk. The realisation kicked in like a truck.

It's love at first sight. That's right, he's my soulmate, oh god I'm so lucky. So what if he's a guy, love doesn't care about sexuality or gender.

She quickly stripped out the name she have for you at her diary entry. The title of your page turned from 'First friend' to, well you know, 'Boyfriend' obviously.

I need to make some brownies for oppa, I can call him tonight, I can meet him again.

First thing she needs to do, is help you gain some weight.  You're perfect as you are, but she's scared you might break your bone from a falling leaves. Founding a new motivation her small elegant steps echoed around the empty house.

Around 5 PM you woke up, seeing Yuri is biting your chest. "Yuri", Surprised by your voice Yuri looked at you with an excited smile. "Morning oppa", Without warning you felt a soft pair of lips pressing up against yours. The kiss was so gentle, you almost didn't believe it was Yuri who's kissing you.

I'm kissing him, I'm actually kissing him, oh oppa how much I wished I never reject this feelings.

The kiss ended the polar opposite of how it started.

Slowly you two pulled away from eachother.

Your forehead still pressing up against eachother.

Your soft breath intertwined with hers.

Yuri was staring at your lips, her hand reached out to grab her cheek and her thumbs gently caressed your lips.

Her eyes darted upward to see your are in a daze.

"I love you oppa"

She whispered so quietly you felt like she was just breathing normally.

"Oppaaaa, I love youuuuu"

She hummed it as she pulled up.

"I, I don't know Yuri"

Intoxicated by the kiss and her own delusion, Yuri find your answer to be a cute reaction to hide your embarrassment.

"It's okay oppa, you can answer me later"

She came down again to give you a peck on your mouth.

"I need to take a shower"

Surprisingly Yuri let you go.

"I'll see you at dinner oppa, mwah"

She kissed your neck sending tickling sensation through your body.

You ran to your home, your loud footsteps drawn your sister attention.

"Where did you go?"

You saw her spawend in front of you.

She was just standing there, you actually got so much in your mind that you didn't realise it.

"I was just, with Yuri"

That's the usual explanation you had for her, now it felt so different for you.

"Ohhhh? I see, go take a shower then, and button your chest"

You looked down to your chest to find it riddles with lipstick mark.

"I need to go"

The only thing you heard from her is the echoing laughter that will haunt you in your dreams tonight.

You looked at yourself at the mirror, your mouth is so red that it might be mistaken as a cherry.

A cold shower, a really ice cold shower is exactly what you needed.

After finishing up your shower you saw a text from Minju.

"She wants to meet? Tonight? Fuck"

You tried to come up with some excuse.

The problem is, she can see that you're typing, so she called you.

"Fuckkkk"

You screamed, yet you answer anyway.

"Hey oppa, I was sorry for stalling you up earlier, so I thought I'll make it up to you"

Think fast cowboy, if you say no, it will mean that Yuri might discourage Minju tomorrow.

If you say yes, you might have a your lifespan shortened.

"I, don't know, I still owe you for the sunglasses"

"Hehehe, it's okay, you look good in it, come here oppa"

The Hail Mary strategy from before failed.

.

.

.

But it won't fail twice in a row right?

"Okay, I can see you now"

"Perfect, see you here~"

You have 2 hour till dinner, you get dressed and ran downstairs.

"Noona, I'm going out, I have dinner at Yuri, and, probably gonna spend the night there"

Your sister smiles at you.

"Okay, have fun, don't forget to buy condoms, in fact I still have it from the last time my boyf-"

You are not taking three hail Mary strategy today.

You ran off to Minju's place, the moment you got at her fence you saw her walked out the house.

"Hey oppa, come on"

She grabbed your hand and hurriedly pulled you inside.

Her house, is big, you didn't realised it before since Yuri is tearing your hand apart while Minju is tearing your heart.

"Look, brownies"

The smell of freshly baked brownies made your stomach grumble.

"You made this?"

"Yep, I learned baking for a while now, come on sit, I'll prepare a plate for you"

She sat you down at the living room couch.

Looking around, this house looks expensive as fuck.

The wood walls, the high ceiling, the black marble kitchen counter.

Minju really is a princess.

She came back with a plate of brownies and a glass of, vanila smoothie?

"I know you like strawberry smoothie but I only have vanilla, I'll buy some strawberry tomorrow"

God damn the Minju option is getting more and more enticing.

"Dig in oppa"

She sat next to you and hugged your arm.

You noticed her outfits, a thin white shirt with a red side stripe pants.

No bra, and her short is pulled up so high you might be able to take a glimpse to her-

Brownies, yeah, you're eating brownies.

"Thank you Min, you really don't have too"

She smiled seeing you eating her brownies.

It was really good, you never really buy any brownies outside the store one so this homemade brownies taste heavenly.

"You want to go out with me oppa?"

You felt a piece got inhaled to your respiratory system making you cough.

"Come on slow down oppa, I still have a lot more for you"

She laughed seeing you coughed up the brownies before swallowing it down.

"Here, drink this"

She take the smoothie and you sip it.

It's a very enticing option really.

"Min, we just met today"

A fair argument.

"We're soulmate oppa, I feel it the moment we've met, I love you"

A strong counterpoint, mostly because of her face, and body, and voice, and brownies. It's a bit unfair for you isn't it?

"Listen-"

She crawled on top of you, putting her closing statement to the argument.

"Sssshhhh, don't be scared, time doesn't matter. We're getting together sooner or later, so just starts now"

The second part of her closing statement is her soft lips pressing up against yours.

If the aggressive and impatient Yuri had a super soft and gentle kiss.

The gentle and elegant Minju have a passionate and aggressive one.

Her tongue slitehered into your mouth, pulling yours to a fight.

You weren't sure if it's because your mouth is still coated by the brownies and smoothie but her kiss felt so sweet.

Minju looked at you with a lustful eyes.

"Stay the night oppa, I want to spend it with you please"

"I, I have a dinner with Yuri"

Why did you say that?

Minju felt annoyed, that's right, annoyed, not angry.

She find Yuri to be a non competitor but an annoying flies between you two.

"Please oppa? I'll make you a tasty dinner"

Ah shit, what now?

"Are you, free after dinner?"

It's an acceptable term.

"Okay then, when is your dinner?"

"In an hour"

"Then we have an hour"

You didn't have to ask for what because she returned back to kissing you.

As much as you were enjoying her kiss your mind is pulling out a plan.

You need more time to make your decision.

So you have to make this two girls have a ceasefire until you made up your mind.

"Min"

You pulled away from her aggressive kiss.

She frown at you, oh no, she's so cute.

"Aren't your parents gonna be mad when they walked in seeing us?"

"Oh, my parents doesn't live here"

"What?"

"Yeah, they bought the house for me to stay in during highschool"

A princess.

She lay down her head to your neck, to find, something.

"This wasn't here before"

Her cold finger touch the bitemark Yuri gave you.

"Yeah, something happened"

As she raised her head you can feel the temperature dropping down below 0.

"Oppa, I really don't want to ruin your mood by making you break your relationship with her. But if this is the kind of relationship you have with her-"

"It's not, it's complicated okay?"

Minju is not satisfied with your answer, but there's another matter to deal with for now.

She leaped to your neck, and bite it.

"Min"

The hickey from her felt, sensual, mostly because she's grinding on you.

"Min I need to go"

You hear her growl before she let go of your neck.

"Come back soon okay oppa? Don't make me wait too long"

"I promise it won't be long"

She smiled happily and gave you another kiss before seeing you off.

You opened your phone to see Yuri has been calling you non stop.

Gritting your teeth you ran to her house.

Her parents look at you surprised.

"Yuri just went to get you in your house"

"Oh I was from the convenience store, I'll go get her"

Let's try to calm her down before dinner with the parents.

"Where were you"

Yuri bolted to you the moment she saw you walk to your bedroom.

"I'm sorry I wa-"

"With that whore"

Her grip tightens on you.

"Yuri after-"

"She even marked you, oppa you were cheating on me?"

"Listen Yuri, I need you to come with me after dinner okay?"

She looked at you angrily.

"I need to talk to both of you"

"There is nothing to talk about, we belong together, we're already together since we know how to walk and we will still be together until we die"

She shake your body while her eyes got teary.

"Listen, Yuri, can you just, listen to me for once"

Within Yuri mind, a thought is forming, the thought is that she's losing the fight.

It hurts her, it hurt her very much, it's so painful she might just break.

"Why, why oppa I know you for so long already, why did you have second thoughts already? Just because of some girl you met today?"

"Yuri, I just want to make sure"

"Fine, I'll make amends with her"

You're not really sure what she meant by that.

"Thank you Yuri"

Yuri will have you in her life, she will make sure you're not taken away from her, even if she has to compromise with a whore.

Your hug managed to calm her down.

"Yuri, are you crying?"

She answer with her muffled sobs.

"Yuri... Calm down"

You caressed her hair as she hugged you.

"Oppa, don't leave me"

"I won't Yuri, I won't"

"Don't leave me"

"I won't"

"Oppa"

"Yes Yuri?"

"Oppaaa"

You keep answering her as she calm herself down.

Yuri like the way your finger ran through her hair, it's so comforting.

It's decided, she will have to compromise, anything to keep you in her life.

"Yuri let's fix your hair"

You don't want her parents to start asking questions.

A smile formed on her face seeing you wipe her tears and brush her hair.

"I think that's good enough, let's go"

She didn't move, her smile was frozen in place so is her body.

"Yuri?"

"I love you oppa"

"I-"

"It's okay, come here"

She reached out to pull you for a kiss.

So soft and slow, especially compared to Minju's kiss from earlier.

"Let's go"

She whispered before pulling you to her house.

"Bye you two, don't forget to use protection"

"Noona"

"We will unnie, bye"

You glared at Yuri who's smiling happily.

"Ah there you are, well come on, dinners ready"

Yuri grabbed your hand and intertwined her finger with yours.

Her parents smiled seeing her actions.

You two sit next to eachother while facing her parents.

"So, what happened between you two"

Her mom is smiling curiously while her dad, he just doesn't care.

"I'm dating now"

"Good for you sweetie, and you too darling, you two are so perfect together"

"Thanks mom"

Yuri kissed your cheek while you're just sitting there eating.

"Dad aren't you gonna congratulate me?"

"No, you two are meant to be anyway so it's just the matter of time"

"Tccchhhh"

Yuri's dad is an absolute apathetic, her mom is a gossip girl, how did Yuri become an MMA fighter?

"How was your first day in highschool?"

"Everyone called oppa Brutus now and he just force them too"

"Really? Because of that drama?"

"Yes"

You can't really eat properly since Yuri is busy cuddling with you, at the dinner table, in front of her parents.

"Yuri, sweetie, why don't you take your boyfriend to your bedroom, you two seems like you need a room"

Her mom said as we finished the dinner.

"Me and oppa is going out for a walk, see you later Mom, bye dad"

Yuri and I walked to Minju's place.

"What is she doing here?"

Minju's open hostility made Yuri answered with her own. However she managed to keep herself calm.

Be patient, I need to be patient for oppa.

"Can we get in?"

Minju carefully eyes Yuri before grabbing your free arm.

The three of you sat at the living room, the two girls refused to acknowledge the existence of the other one.

"Listen, I know, you two are in love with me"

"I love you more, we're soulmates"

"I know you longer oppa, we are already meant to be together"

"Shut up, now, Minju, I know you for one day, Yuri, we've been growing up as friends, until today. So I can't make a decision yet"

"What decision, we are soulmate oppa"

"Shut up, oppa is talking"

The two exchanged glare for a moment.

"I need sometimes okay? I need time to make my mind, and I want you two to have a ceasefire until I made my decision"

The two doesn't like your proposal.

"How long"

"A month at least"

"No, a month at most"

Minju is very unpleased.

"Oppa, I need to talk with Minju"

"No, you two gonna kill eachother"

"Oppa, just leave for a second, I promise I won't kill her"

Minju stare at Yuri cautiously trying to gauge her intentions.

"Minju?"

"Fine, wait in the kitchen oppa, you can watch us from there"

Reluctantly you left the two girl to their own devices.

Yuri and Minju stare at eachother for awhile.

"Share him"

Minju definitely didn't expect that.

"What?"

"I'm not losing him, and I don't like to gamble, so share him"

"Are you stupid? Why would I share him when he's already mine"

"Because you might also lose"

The two stare at eachother angrily.

"We're soulmates"

"Does he know that?"

"I will make sure he does"

"I know him long enough to know he's not believing those kind of things"

"You know him for so long yet he still thinking about me, the girl he met in the first day"

Yuri felt her patience is slowly draining.

"Just share him with me, we can get a piece together"

Minju is not stupid, she knows the possibility of her losing you is a 50/50.

Yet she still doesn't trust Yuri.

"Why?"

"What?"

"Why you want to share him? You're antagonising me the whole day and you want to make peace with me?"

"Because he's conflicted. And I know, if he chooses you it will hurt, so much I might lose my mind. And if he chooses me, he will feel hurt for hurting you that I might also feel guilty"

Those thoughts has also went through Minju's mind.

"You're scared aren't you"

"Of course I am"

"To me?"

"My whole life I've known him and you come in and managed to threaten my position in the first day, of course I'm scared"

For a second, Minju realised, Yuri might not be as bad as she thought.

"Awwww, are you insecure?"

Minju patted Yuri's head making the latter frown.

"Don't do that"

"Hehehe, you're just a timid little girl aren't you, I'm sorry for scaring you"

"Minju stop it"

"Fine, I agree, I'll share him"

Seeing the changes on Yuri's face Minju felt a little relieved. Yuri might be a good partner to have as well.

She's cute, pretty, also when she got all embarrassed like this it make her heart flutter.

"Let's set up the ground rule then"

"Fine, we're the same priority, no main girl or something like that"

"That one is acceptable, second is group chat. I don't want any private chat between us and oppa. Everything need to be said in the group chat"

"That's, acceptable too I guess. Then you can't have too much date. If we both have two date and you took him out in one you can't have another one after I get one"

"You read my mind cutie"

"I'm not cute"

"But you're blush is so-"

"Stop it, another one is I want a budget limit on our dates"

"Oh come on, I want to pamper him"

"I can't keep up with your money, look at this house, you're definitely rich"

"I am, and that's okay cutie, he will still love you even though you won't be as rich as me"

"Fine, guess I'll just have to take him to dates with my family and parade him as my boyfriend"

.

.

.

.

"So the spending limit, let's say, 100 thousand won?"

"Are you insane?"

"Ughhh, fine, how about this, I won't take him to super expensive place, and we don't buy him anything. Our gifts need to be made by ourself"

"Good, I like that"

"Butttt, I want to buy him some new clothes, I want my boyfriend to dress well"

"Ughhh, his wardrobe is so bad"

"Hehehe, shopping trip with us then"

Minju hugged Yuri making the latter develop a smile.

"I'm looking forward to work with you, Minju"

"I'll be looking forward to work with you too, Yuri"

You are watching this weird interaction and was completely baffled seeing the two girl hug.

Ah shit I made them gay and fell for eachother.

Then the two of them turned to you with a creepy smile.

The wolf you pick has changed sides and tell you this is a bad idea.

"Oppa, come here"

You're not sure which one called for you.

Slowly you walked back to them.

Once you're close enough Yuri grabbed you and sat you down between her and Minju.

"Alright oppa, we will have a ceasefire"

Minju draw around your chest with her finger.

"Good, I promise one-"

"Forever, because we don't need to fight for you anymore"

Yuri start nibbling on your arm.

"What?"

"We are sharing you, aren't you happy oppa?"

It would be a lie if you never thought of the harem option. It would also be a lie if you think that the option is a genuine option to take. Yet, it's also a lie, if you say you're not excited right now.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, I can't believe you're actually second guessing yourself for a girl you just met today oppa, bad oppa"

You felt a sharp pain in your shoulder as she sank her fang to it.

"That's okay oppa, I won't make you have the painful responsibility to hurt one of us, so we compromise"

Minju kissed your cheek.

"So first of all oppa, you have to love us equally"

"That's right, we are also using a group chat for now on, no private chat between us"

"Then, we will keep track of how much date to make sure it's fair", Notes, you need notes. And maybe some water splashed to your face. "Are you two, actually, serious"

The two of them looked at you, stare at eachother before attacking you. The two of them wrapped one arm around your neck locking it in place. Then they kissed your cheek. So synchronized, so creepy. Of course you're overwhelmed already so you're not feeling the desperate self preservation your brain is trying to send off.

"You're our boyfriend now okay?","Our oppa" They are synchronized now. "Okay, okay, okay", The two are ecstatic with your response and giggles before they bite your neck.

"Ahhhh, girls", Your moan of pain only made them even more excited. "Who kiss first?", Yuri raised her hand in response, "Rock-paper-scicors"

Yuri won and get the first bite of your lips. The lips of her new boyfriend. Minju is watching you with smiles all over her face. Once Yuri had enough fill she slowly parted from you, her mind is in a daze. She tried to inhale as much as your scent. "You're so shy when you kiss Yuri, so cute", Minju smiled.

"I'm not cute", The sight of your tomboyish childhood friend turning to a tomato is too cute. "You are kinda cute", You supported Minju's words. Yuri hide her face letting out a squeal before dropping to your chest.

"Hehehehe, my turn", Minju crashed her lips on to yours. Her passionate kiss only seems to get rougher as time went on. Your tongue and lips turned numb at the end. Minju is happy with how meek you are, such a perfect boyfriend.

As you two pulled away you saw Yuri is watching you two in a daze. "See? That's how you kiss cutie", Yuri frowned. "I'm not a horny bitch like you" Yuri pouted, "Really? Our boyfriend seems to like it"

She turned to you who's still in a trance. "Oppa", Yuri pouted making you wake up from your daze. "Yuri it's fine", Doesn't convince her. "Here, let me teach you" Before any of you can react, Minju grabbed both of Yuri's cheek before kissing her. Oh boy, it's getting harder and harder, you know what it is.

As they parted you see Minju is smiling at Yuri with a mischievous smile while Yuri was in a trance. "On second thought, your soft kisses are also enjoyable, good job cutie", Minju's hand let go of Yuri and wrapped itself around you. The two of them slowly came to hug you and stay quiet for, an hour?

"It's late already, we should go home", You don't want to go home, but things might escalate if you stay. "Come on, sleep with me, I want to sleep with oppa", Minju tightened her hug on you. "I told mom I'm going to sleep with oppa tonight" Yuri looks conflicted if anything, "So do it here, with me too" Minju said. "How though, I can tell mom I'm sleeping at oppa's place", You opened your phone to check if the coast is clear. "Then, I should ask Noona"

"Who's Noona", Minju squinted her eyes angrily. "My Noona, my older sister", They still have their jealousy trait, that's good to know. "Oh that's fine then", She smiled and turn to cuddling you again. You see your sister already texted you that she's leaving for the night so I can use the house.

"Oh? Should we move to your bedroom then oppa?", Minju whined at Yuri in response. "Here is better, I'm living here alone", Minju said making Yuri raised her eyebrow. "What?" Minju then smiled confidently, "Yep, mom and dad buy me this house for my highschool life", You hear Yuri curse under her breath but you can't make out what."Okay princess, but oppa's house is also empty, and that way I can also show to mom I am sleeping at oppa's place"

"Empty?", Minju turned to you. "Oh yeah, my parents passed away a while ago", She looked at you with concern and guilt. "Oh baby, I'm sorry",Well, a kiss always a good way to cheer someone up.

"We should go out to a date this week"

"Three of us"

"Of course cutie, I won't leave you"

"Let's go to the park again"

"Let's, go to my place, because I'm tired"

The two of them smiled and kissed your cheek. "Let me put on something more covering clothes then", Minju let go of you and skipped away.

"She's such a vixen", You tuned to Yuri who's doesn't seems to be mad."Yuri?", She turned to you, "I don't mind it, but she's too flirty, she might try to take your virginity oppa", This, is going to fast no? "I mean, Minju is a bit more, brazen? But I don't think-", She put her finger on your mouth to shut you down. "She will give you your virginity, and so do I, the question is who will take yours"

Alright, how do you tell them you're not a virgin anymore. "I'm back, let's go", Minju is wearing a baggy sweatpants and jacket. "Right, let's go", Maybe they don't need to know.

The three of you walk back to your house, you slipped Minju in while Yuri tell her mom she's sleeping at my place. "Hmmm, this place, smells just like you", Minju was looking around your bedroom with lusty eyes. "I miss sleeping at your bed again oppa, come on"

Yuri is definitely thinking about something other than sleeping. You lay on your bed with the two girls hugging you. Minju take off her sweatpants and jacket turning back to the previous very open and very thin outfit. Yuri actually changed as she went to her house earlier to a big oversized t-shirt that cover her mini pants.

"Oppa, this bed is so comfy, I can't believe you've been sleeping here with him this whole time"

"Hehehe, childhood friend advantage"

"Ssshhh, let me sleep"

"Yuri, you're thinking what I'm thinking?"

"Yeahhhh, oppa, we want some goodnight kiss"

Minju jumped on you and start making out with you. She pulled your hand in between her crotch and start grinding on it. "That's unfair", You hear Yuri whined.

As you are busy kissing Minju you felt Yuri pulled your hand inside her t-shirt. "Rub it baby", Minju moaned, you comply and starts rubbing her pussy through her pants making her moan.

Your other hand was led to Yuri's bare tits. "Squeeze it oppa", You comply again and made her moan. This continue for sometimes before you felt the wet pants Minju is wearing pushed itself onto your finger.

"I'm coming oppa", She pressed her forehead to your temple as she whispered in your ears. You saw her body quivered for a moment before slumping down. Yuri the jumped to your free mouth and start to get her own kiss. Your hand travel down to her pussy and starts doing the same thing you did with Minju. Your other hand travels up to start massaging Minju's breast.

Just like before Yuri started quivering and pressed her head to your neck. "I'm cumming oppa", She screamed, thankfully your house is empty.

"Oh my god, that was great"

"Yeah, we should repay the favour now"

The two of them look down to your erect cock."So big","So warm" The compliment only made you even hornier.

You felt one of them grabbed it through your clothes making you moan. "You're so hot when you moan oppa", Who said that? "Let's get this out of the way", Who said that too?

Feeling your pants being pulled down your cock got free from it's cage and the cold air washes over it. "Follow me cutie, I'll lead you", Okay that one is Minju.

You felt two sets of hand grabbed your cock, their warmth made your precum leaked."Slowly, go up and down" Minju take the lead as Yuri followed her, "Okay", Fuck the feelings of being jerked by two different hand is something else.

"Are you enjoying this oppa?"

"Yes"

"Yuri focus on your rythm"

The two girl continue their sensual and slow Handjob. Minju then come to whisper in your ears. "Can you cum for us oppa? I promise I'll drink it", Oh fuck, "Oppa, cum please, for me", Yuri followed her and made this whole experience a little too much for you.

"It's squirming"

"That means oppa gonna cum, come on oppa, cum all over our hand"

Can't keep up any ore your sperm shoot out, Minju closed off the tip just in time to make sure it doesn't spray anywhere. Looking down you see Yuri is also doing the same, making their hands covered with your sperm. "So warm"

Yuri whimpered. Minju smiled before licking her hand."Minju?" You hear Yuri's questioning tone, "So sweet, you taste amazing baby", Seeing the ecstasy on Minju's face, Yuri did the same, and start sucking on her own fingers. "Hmmm, it tastes good oppa"

The two of them went down to your cock and started licking it, getting any excess cum off of you. The sensation send your cock back to it's glorious form. "So vigorous, Yuri, follow my lead"

Minju climbed down to get to a more comfortable position, Yuri followed suit. "First, you kiss it", You felt Minju thick lips pressing up against yours. Then Yuri's soft pair of lips pressing up against the other.

"It smells so good"

"I know right? Now you start licking it"

The two started licking around your shaft giving some ungodly feeling.

"Now, watch me first", Yuri moves to the side before Minju started swallowing your cock whole.

"Whoa", Yeah Yuri, whoa, you did not expect Minju to be so good at this. The feeling of her throat massaging your cock while her tongue reached out to lock your shaft and balls is too good.

"Yaaaa, my turn", God damn Yuri looked so cute when she's pouting. Minju let go of her mouth before moving aside. "Now, first you need to try with the tip first Yuri"

Yuri was inexperienced, for like 30 second before she start giving you deep throat as well. "I'm so proud of you Yuri"

Minju get down and start sucking on your balls. Needless to say, as you're still sensitive from the ejaculations from before, you didn't last long.

Minju pulled Yuri up to only have your tip in her mouth while she use both hands to jerk you off. "Come on, cum oppa, cum all over cute Yuri's mouth"

Your hips bucked forward and start spraying your sperm to Yuri's inside. As your ejaculation subsided your cock fell limp to your crotch.

"Open your mouth Yuri, learn how to share", Yuri opened obediently and Minju's tongue slitehered to Yuri's mouth before they kiss. You see Minju's tongue scooping out your sperm into her own mouth occasionally. Then the two parted way, a loud gulping noise can be heard before they let our a satisfied moan.

"Thank you oppa"

"It was nice oppa"

The two gave you a kiss to the cheek before slumping down to your chest.

"Fucking hell, you two are, dangerous", The two giggles before they let out a sigh. Your breath and heartbeat seems to synchronize with them as your consciousness start to slip away.

It's been a long day.

[peachesofteal]

I love me some angst and this baby trapped au is sustaining me!! But I gotta ask… what happens if darling just haves the baby then up and leaves in the middle of night?? Leaving Simon and Johnny to raise this baby they forced on her?? Or even worse (and forgive me for this) she dies in childbirth and then they finally have their baby but no darling…. They’re probably having some regrets about lying to her lol

This au has invaded my life and I can’t stop thinking about it. I’m hooked ❤️🪝

SEEK HELP. But don't, because I love you. And this.

Baby trap au / Darling left after discovering her tampered birth control 18+ Mature themes. Character death. Childbirth. Hurt absolutely no comfort.

It starts with the twinge in the lower part of your belly, off to the left side. You had woken up with it, on top of your usual sore back and stiff muscles, the everyday occurrences that seemed plague you consistently since the start of your third trimester. You were always hot, always tired, always crampy, grumpy, and generally... miserable.

You didn't mean to be, but being pregnant was a hardship in so many ways, and being pregnant with no one to help you, was even harder. It took its toll. Emotionally. Mentally. Physically. And now, by the ninth month... you were just so ready to be done with it.

You hadn't seen or talked to the guys since the day you walked out, the day you found that fucked up piece of foil, the day you realized what they did, and you left. You hated them for it. Hated them, for taking away your choice. Hated them, for trying to control your body. Hated them, for removing your autonomy.

At night, when you laid down to sleep, it was impossible not to feel other things, the longing, the loneliness, the love, that still lived in your heart for them, against all odds, the ache of missing them growing in your soul as your baby grew each month.

You were in an impossible situation. One you didn't know what do with it.

But today, you were preoccupied with the twinge. The twinge, that had bloomed into a full spasm of muscles across your belly, the twinge that had your boss insisting you go to hospital as soon as possible.

"Let us call an ambulance. I've had four kids! I know labor when I see it." She had hemmed and hawed while you told her it wasn't necessary, that you weren't even in active labor yet, and that you still felt totally okay.

"I'm fine." you had reassured her. "Walking is good for labor right? I'm just going to walk the three blocks and be fine."

Six hours later, you're in a bed with your legs in a pair of stirrups with a nurse by your side, holding your hand as your contractions get closer and closer, your body seizing and cramping with pain through each one, the sting getting worse and worse as the minutes tick on.

You're doing this. You're having a baby. Alone.

The realization shocks you, startles you into a moment of weird, zen like reflection, like everything is moving in slow motion around you, like nothing is progressing as you think about the fact that the guys aren't actually here, that you never did call them, that you never did tell them that you wanted to forgive them one day. That you wanted to talk to them. See them again.

That you wanted them to be here with you, for this, to see the birth of their daughter.

Another contraction rips through you and steals your breath, and you faintly hear the nurse telling you breathe while your body locks up in unmeasurable pain. Something prods between you legs, and then there's a voice saying you're fully dilated, and ready to push.

Ready? Now?

No. No... you can't. It's too fast. They're not here. They need to be here. You have to call them.

"Oh sweetheart, don't cry." The nurse speaks softly to you, but you can't help it. You want them. They were supposed to be here. They were supposed to be ones holding your hand, helping you, cutting the cord.

"We're going to push on the next contraction, okay?" Your doctor tells you, but you shake your head vehemently.

"No. I want my partners." you sob, and your nurse makes a sympathetic noise, while stroking some hair out of your face.

"You have to push." The nurse encourages, and pain streaks across your belly, sharp and insistent, forcing you to gasp for more air. "Ready? Push!" She tries to coach you, but you can't do it, can't even move, your body just writhing through the pain as your head spins and you pant. Your doctor says your name, kindly but somewhat stern after the contraction passes, and you moan.

"This baby is coming. You have to push." She says, and you know she's right, but you just can't get there in your mind, unable to consider the idea of her being born without Johnny or Simon being here.

"I want them." you sob, another spasm ripping through your body, forcing you to curl forward with an anguished shout. The nurse blots a cool, damp cloth against your head, while someone else on your other side adjusts your bed. There are people everywhere, all moving around in flurry, except for the doctor who's settling between your legs, eyes locking onto yours above your mask.

"There's no time dear." She says, and when you look up into your nurse's face, she seems sincere, encouraging and sweet, but you don't care. You want Johnny. You want Simon.

"P-please." You moan. "My phone- the passcode is 6669." The numbers come as a grunt when another contraction pulses through you. It's awful, burning, biting pain that shreds your belly, the muscles in your thighs, your back, everywhere, and you scream through it, while the two nurses on either side of you fold your legs back and the doctor coaches you to push.

"I can't!" You really can't. You can't do this without them. You don't even care about what they did anymore. You don't want to do this without them. They have to be here. "I can't, I ca-can't. Please, call Johnny. Or, or Simon." You pant, and eye the nervous looking aide that stands behind one of the nurses. "Call them!" You shout, and your sweet nurse gives him a nod, urging him into action as he fumbles with your phone and steps outside.

"Okay sweetheart. We're calling them, okay? But you have to push. Your body is ready." You shake your head, but you know she's right. You can feel your body bearing down, your muscles working inside of you, everything aligning so that you can have this baby.

It fills you with fear. Dread overcomes you, and when you feel the next contraction coming on, you begin to hyperventilate.

You can't have their baby without them.

"No... nonono-" You protest, like you're telling yourself, your own body, not to do what it was meant to do. It's useless however, because as your contraction peaks, your doctor is counting, and you can't help but push the way your body wants to, screaming your pain as loud as you can.

"Good job." She encourages once it passes, her eyes checking a tablet that's held in front of her face quickly, before returning her gaze back to you. "Okay, next one you're going to push for the full ten seconds okay? You can do it."

"I don't want to." You protest with a cry, and your nurse pats your hand sympathetically.

"I know, I know." She helps shift you forward, and then the next one is coming, and you feel like you're being torn apart, like your body is burning and being ripped in two as you push.

"I can see the head, you're almost there." Someone says, but you're not sure who it is, or if you care, your focus moving to one sole thing now, getting this baby out of your body as fast as you can. You breathe for maybe five seconds before the next wave begins, and then you're dropping your chin to your chest while you push with everything you have, voices in the room rising and falling, everything feeling too loud and too overwhelming, and then all of the sudden, there's a shifting inside of you, and then suddenly an overwhelming emptiness before-

a screaming, crying, shrieking baby is plopped onto your chest.

"There she is!" Your nurse calls, and you stare, slack jawed, unable to speak, unable to move while they cover her with a blanket and someone continues to work between your legs. "Congratulations mum!" The baby cries, and you lift a hand to cradle her closer while someone wipes around the top of her head.

"Hi, Bee... I'm your mom." you cry, and lower your lips to her head, placing a soft kiss on her skin while someone rubs her down. She cries, lungs healthy and full of power, and you laugh a little.

"Did you get a hold of them?" You ask him breathlessly, and he nods with a gulp.

"They're on their way." They're on their way. The words slam against your heart, and the feeling of relief is immense. They're coming. They're going to be here.

"Thank you." You hardly look at him, keeping your eyes on Bee, and her little angel face, perfect in every way.

The next few minutes pass in a blur. The doctor works on you, pressing on your stomach a few times in an awful way that hurts but is necessary, and then your bed is moved to a better position for sitting up. Bee is removed from your chest for measurements and a quick clean up, before she's placed back in your arms, freshly swaddled and soothed. You're mesmerized by her nose, her eyelashes, her tiny fingers that wrap around one of yours. Your baby, your daughter. The one you carried for nine months, the one that you went through so much heartache for, the one that you struggled so much for, was finally here. You wish they were here already, to see her, to see how precious she is, how amazing, and you sniffle through some tears when you realize you'll get to see the looks on both their faces when they see her for the first time, when they hold her.

You lift your hand to stroke the softness of her cheek, and frown, when it doesn't really cooperate... the limb feeling heavy and stiff, like it's not even really on your body. That's... weird. You try again, and again, with no success, and then you realize the room is kind of shifting, kind of spinning slightly, like you're dizzy.

"Uh-" You call out to the nurse who's on a laptop at the desk, her back partially turned towards you, and she glances over with a smile that quickly changes to a firm line when she rushes over. "I feel funny." You tell her, and she nods, the mechanics of the bed whirring while you're lowered completely flat. Bee cries, disrupted by the movement, and you want to shush her, soothe her, but the words don't come, and everything is very loud all of the sudden, bells, whistles, beeps and alarms going off at a frantic pace overtop the voices that have quickly filled the room.

"-ake the baby."

"too much-"

"hemmorage-"

The words come in clips, and your vision becomes filled with white dots as Bee is lifted off your chest, the arm that held her close to your body falling limply to your side. What's happening? You want to ask, want to scream it at them. Where are you taking her? She's crying in the nurse's arms, her distressed little face the last thing you see before your vision goes completely black, and you fade away.

"Drive fucking faster." Johnny shouts, and Simon squeezes his knee to try to calm him as best he can in this moment, even though the two of them are the farthest thing from being calm.

You were in labor, and you had actually called them. Simon's heart had soared when he answered the phone, telling the guy on the phone to tell you that they were on their way, that they'd be there soon while he and Johnny sprinted to the car. You had called them. You wanted them there.

"Tell her we love her!" He had huffed while fumbling with the keys. "We love her so much. We'll be there soon."

"Settle, Johnny." He's trying to keep Johnny calm, trying to keep himself calm, while also trying to drive as fast as possible to get to you.

"Aye, 'm sorry. I'm just... I can't wait to see her. I can't believe she called." Simon can't either. He can't believe that after eight months of being apart, eight months of wondering if they'd even ever see you again, it was them you were calling for when you needed someone, them that you wanted by your side.

It felt like a gift. It felt like a second chance.

"I hope she's okay." Johnny hedges, nervous tinge to his voice and Simon rubs his thigh to try to soothe him.

"I'm sure she's fine, babies are born all the time, yeah?"

"Yeah."

They rush the desk when they get there, both spitting out your name and the woman jerks backwards before adjusting, typing onto her keyboard to locate your record. A full minute passes, while the receptionist's brow furrows, and they both nearly explode.

"She should be here, we got a phone call." Johnny blurts.

"Should be in labor and delivery." Simon tries to provide, helpfully and they both stand there anxiously, while she taps away.

"Ah! Sorry, there she is. I've paged the L&D department, and someone will be down shortly. You can wait in those seats over there." She points to some arm chairs, and they both ignore the suggestion, opting to stand right in front of a set of doors.

"Mr. Riley? Mr MacTavish?" A female voice calls a few minutes later, and they nod, overeager as she approaches. A million questions bubble up in Simon's head, where are you, have you delivered yet, are you doing okay, how's the baby... but they all come to a screeching halt when the doctor gets close enough for him to read her face.

No.

"Can you come with me?"

"And there was just too much blood. Once the hemorrhaging started, it couldn't be controlled." Johnny hears what the doctor is saying. He can hear her, loud and clear. He copies her.

But he doesn't understand. His brain can't make the words fit, can't make them make sense. What does that mean? He glances at Simon, who doesn't look at him, just stares at the doctor, face stricken, pale as ash. Like he's seen a ghost. Like someone has died. But that can't be right.

"Alright." He says slowly. "But she's going to be okay?"

"Johnny." Simon croaks, and the doctor shakes her head.

"I'm so sorry, Mr. MacTavish. She's gone." Who's gone? Not you, obviously. What's going on here?

"No. No, no she can't be gone." Johnny protests. This doctor is clearly confused. "She just had someone call us. She's having... she's having a baby. Our baby. She's-" The doctor gives him a sad look, sympathetic and understanding. "No. She can't be gone, we just... we just got here. We-"

"Johnny." Simon says again and Johnny pivots on him.

"Tell her Si. Tell her, she's alright." Simon swings an arm forward, grabbing him by the collarbone, and holding on tight, pulling him close to his body.

It's only then, when Johnny looks up into Simon's face, and sees the tears there, sees those eyes, flooded, sees his cheeks, wet, his face full of turmoil and distress, that it really makes sense.

"No." He whispers. "No, she can't be." He shakes his head, and Simon tries to hold it still, tries to cradle his face in his palms. "Simon." He moans, word splitting into a cry, and then he's burying his face into Simon's neck, spilling hot tears onto his skin. Darling. Their Darling. Their Darling girl. Gone.

Because of them.

They did this.

Simon's body is shaking, shoulders trembling with his sobs, while he holds Johnny close, and Johnny screams into his chest, he screams and he screams until there's nothing left inside of him, every second ticking by bringing him farther and farther away from a time in his life when you still existed, when you were still in this world with them. And he wants it to stop, he wants it to stop so fucking bad but it won't, and he can't make it, he can't do anything, except stand here and scream, scream and beg and plead an unknown entity who's never given him anything good except for you and Simon.

They never got to tell you they still love you.

They didn't even get to say goodbye.

Hours later, they sit in a room with an empty bed, side by side, while a nurse stands in front of them with a tiny, sleeping baby wrapped in a blanket.

"This is your daughter." She tells them. "Her name is Bee."

"Bee." Johnny whispers, and she nods.

"Would you like to hold her?"

"Yes." Johnny says, but the word sounds flat, and he feels numb. The nurse places little Bee in his arms, while Simon watches, unblinking from where he sits right next to him. "Bee." He says again, looking down at her, truly looking at her for the first time. She looks so much like you, more like you than either of them, and he can't stop the tears that fall freely, while Simon reaches over and hesitantly strokes her cheek with a knuckle.

"She's beautiful." Simon whispers hoarsely, voice coarse with tears, and Johnny agrees. Johnny tries to stifle a sob, desperate not to wake Bee while she sleeps, but Simon can't stop himself, and he covers his face with his hand to try to smother his cry. "She looks just like her." Simon chokes, and Johnny's arms shake around where Bee is cradled. He leans to the side, into Simon, who wraps his arm around him immediately, holding Johnny while he holds their daughter, your daughter. They cannot stop their tears, their hearts cracking wide open in both of their chests as they stay down her, their only piece left of you in this world, the only thing they have left to cling to.

"You look just like your mum, baby Bee."

[eustasskidagenda]

Eustass Kid x Reader - S/O reacting to his phantom pain crisis

Resume : Eustass Kid is having a phantom pain crisis in front of his s/o for the first time. It's just a headcanon of mine, I honestly think Kid is facing that kind of symptoms since the loss of his arm and only Killer knows about it.

CW : a lot of cursing (from Kid, duh), mention of sex, hurt & comfort.

WC : 1787

______________________________________________________________

It’s your first time sleeping together. Kid is already snoring loudly on his side of the bed, your legs entwined beneath the bedsheets. You’re holding him from behind, in a lovely spooning position. You never thought Kid would actually, like to be the little spoon, but here he’s, sleeping heavily with your arms wrapped around his large and toned bare chest. Despite the peacefulness of the night, the intense and rough sex session you just had and the fresh air of the night, slowly caressing your face through the open window and the sweet moonlight shining on your skin, you’re unable to fall asleep. The whole situation is just new to you and it makes you so nervous. You’re afraid of doing something embarrassing if you dare to close your eyes. What if Kid is disgusted by your face when you sleep? You know your questionings are idiots, but yet, it’s haunting you.

With a low sigh, you nuzzle your head again Kid’s strong back, tracing his scars with your fingers. You love how warm and toned his body feels against yours. And you love even more how Kid’s hair are all sprawl out like a fire halo on the pillow. He looks so beautiful with his hair down, anytime he takes off his goggle, you fall again for him. You gently run your fingers through the red hair. It’s soft, it even surprised you the first time. You never thought someone as tough as Kid could actually care that much about his hairstyle and skin. "Being a punk is a whole lifestyle" as he loves to remind you all the damn time he takes an eternity in the bathroom. 

You smile against Kid's back. It seems like he's a heavy sleeper, not even perturbed by your hand running through his hair. You fondle his face, retrace the scars crossing his eyes, slowly but surely starting to feel sleepy. Just when you can't keep your eyes open anymore, Kid starts to move harshly, almost convulsing. In his sleep, he's cursing and groaning. But not with that usual tough and husky voice. He sounds more… desperate. 

Vulnerable. 

"Hey, Kid, what's wrong?" You ask, but he doesn't answer, still trapped in his own dreams. You turn on the candle lamp, only to see Kid sweating, his face twisted in a painful expression. Your heart twisted painfully. You never thought Kid could look that miserable and helpless. "Hey, please, wake up, it's alright, I'm here," You whisper next to his ear. Still breathing hardly and sweating, your boyfriend groan louder, cursing again and again. A litany of "shit" and "fuck" coming out of his lips. "Killer," he whispers pathetically. 

You hesitate to indeed call his best friend, because you're totally clueless. But when you decide to stand up and look for help, Kid sit up straight in the bed, eyes wide open and his hand wrapped around… nothing. You can't help but notice how red and wet his eyes are. Again and gain, his hand look for something it can't find. "Kid… please talk to me, what's going on?" You try to hide how stressed and afraid you feel. "My arm, it fucking burns," He yelps, short of breath.

His hand continue to look for his missing arm. With a moan of nothing but pain, he grabs his stump, holding back another whine. "Please, talk to me, I don't understand," You hate how you sound: almost begging. In your chest, your heart is racing really fast, almost painfully. What's going on? Seeing your boyfriend in such a suffering is really breaking you in pieces. His burden looks so heavy to carry for a single person. "My arm… it fucking burns… it feels like goddamn electric shock…"

And then, you finally understand. You already heard about it before: phantom pain. Common for amputated victims. Still breathing heavily, Kid try to wrap his hand around his missing arm, but the only thing he can reach for is the emptiness. Even if he hides it with his hair, you can notice some tears running down his cheeks as he lies back on the bed, his body almost convulsing with the pain. "Fuck!" Kid growls. "Fucking arm. Fucking body!" And this is why Kid was always avoiding you sleeping with him. Not because he wasn't feeling comfortable with you. But, because he was scared to have a crisis in front of you. To look fragile, human. But you're together in this mess, and in everything. "I've got you. Just tell me how to help," You whisper soothingly, entwined your fingers with his. 

Kid avoids your gaze, writhing in pain, making a mess with the bedsheets. The sweat drips from his forehead and he bites his lips, trying to shut down his snorting. "Massage the stump. Or wrap it in a warm towel," Your body immediately starts to move, and you gently start to massage Kid's stump. The skin is warm, soft, except along the scars where the touch is more rough and coarse. It's the first time he allows you to touch this part of his body. This man has no shame nor reserve when it comes to nudity, and yet, he never allowed you to touch his stump, always snarling every time your hands reach for his left shoulder. He must really feel bad to let you touch him in such an intimate way. He sits again, his back leaning against the wall and his breathe heavy with the pain. "Fuck," He continues to growl and a drop of sweat slide along his neck. With each shaky breathe, he curses. "I know it's disgusting," He growls as your fingers continue to fondle the stump, trying to soothe the pain. "Why?" He shrugs. "It's ugly," You smile. "Nothing about you is ugly. Just let me help you. Do you feel better?" He shakes his head. "Sometimes, my crisis can last a whole day. Usually, Killer just massage the stump or help me to take a hot bath. Warmth can help. When the crisis is light, he uses a mirror," You raise an eyebrow. "A mirror?" Kid curses again. "Shit! Yeah, a goddamn mirror, it's just some shitty trick to fool my brain," 

He's not doing well, even with your help. Fighting against another spams crisis, Kid growls, eyes wet and body covered of sweat. His hand hit the mattress, his movement full of pain, anger and powerlessness. "Let me help you to take a bath." You whisper, still fondling the stump. It doesn't feel swollen under your fingers, that the tricky stuff with phantom pain. "No way. I hate water, I feel weak in it."

Well, actually, right now, he's already weak and vulnerable. "Stop being a child and let me help you. If a bath can help, then, we need to try."He snarls angrily. "I don't want to look like a shit in front of you!" You gently stroke his cheek. "It's okay, Kid, you're still the same for me: annoying and goddamn loud. Seeing you in such a state would never change how I feel about you." He tries to fight back, but the pain is too much to bear and he just let out a slow moan of pain, more sweating dripping from his forehead. He can't resist anymore, almost breaking down because of the unbearable pain. So when you help him to get up, he just shut up, avoiding your gaze, trying to not fall apart as you lead him to the bathroom. "Ugh," he complains as you lock the door behind the two of you and let the hot water running down the bathtub. He knows what's going to happen and already feels so damn ashamed. He mumbles while taking off his underwear. The bathroom is slowly turning steamy with all that warm water. "Here it is." You help Kid to sit in the tub, and his body immediately starts to soften. You know he will not talk in such a situation, ain't no way for the sake of his pride, he lets you hear how ridiculous his voice sound when the cursed water affects him. 

Nicely, lovingly, you fondle his stump covered of warm water. Kid closes his eyes, his breathe still messy and shaky from pain. He doesn't want to look at you. He feels ashamed by his current state. No one, except Killer, never took care of him like this. Since his childhood, he's used to fight for almost everything. Life makes him tough, pitiless, violent. He had to fight the whole time, only to have the right to stay alive. And yet, you're here, not even disgusted while touching his stump. What has he done to deserve someone as passionate, strong and yet tender like you? Your gentle massage combined to the warm water slowly ease the pain. His breath is less harsh, eyes shut less tightly too. "Want me to wash your hair?" He doesn't answer, just nod as you grab some shampoo to wash his precious red hair. You slowly bend to kiss his temple. Maybe it's bad to have that kind of thoughts now, but Kid looks so beautiful, his naked body all wet, muscles glistening of water, hair down, hair pulled back. Without the eyeliner and red lipstick, Kid looks a bit younger, less tough, but always that damn handsome. You fondle his head, then his tensed shoulders, and finally the stump. "Does it happen often?" You ask curiously and he just nods. "It's calm when you're quiet." He snarls angrily, but keeps his mouth shut. You chuckle and grab his chin, bending for a sweet kiss.

The solace of the minute embraces his chest. He remains quiet, just enjoying the peacefulness of the moment. Later, when you lead him back to the bedroom, he lies back on the bed and finally speaks. "Sorry about this," He groans, hiding his face with his forearm. "Don't be sorry. I love you, even through the suffering. I'm with you, always." 

He just rolls on his side, showing you his back. Yeah, your dear Kid will never be good with talk. Even more than kind of deep conversation. The ones acknowledging he's just a normal human, with failures. You sigh and lie next to him, kissing his stump, just to let him know how much you love him, despite his missing arm and all the phantom pain crisis he'll have to face in the future. "You can sleep with me every night, now." He just mumbles before falling right back asleep.

You can't help but smile against his back, as sleep finally takes you. Through the small open windows, the moon, up in the sky, looks like she's watching the two of you.

End talk : English is not my first language, I apologize for the potential mistakes or weird sentences. My requests are open.

[happy74827]

Just Words

[Siobhan Roy x GN!Reader]

Synopsis: Words can be hurtful (especially to most) but with Siobhan’s “5-star” personality and ability to not care about anything other than herself, you can’t help BUT spill some words. {GIF Creds: @olliviacooke// I took this off of google (fair warning) so I had to dig deep to find the OP}

WC: 2274

Category: Slight Fluff (?), Enemies to… trope {Trigger Warning: Foul Language (I really channeled the Roy family here), Logan}

I did not expect my first succession fic to be Siobhan… but honestly, I’m not complaining 👀 (fyi: this was a request and I stupidly forgot to “answer” so hopefully the anon who requested lovely Shiv finds this 💀)

『••✎••』

Siobhan Roy… mega bitch. You hated her. Well, that might be an understatement; you despised her. From the moment you met her, she was just a total and complete pain in your ass. Not to mention completely and utterly self-absorbed. She had the attitude and ego of a child.

So when you were made to work with her, you were less than pleased. Logan Roy, the only man who could top Siobhan in terms of being an insufferable asshole, had made you a deal. If you and Siobhan worked together to find a solution to the media shitstorm he was currently experiencing, he would put you on the team that handled the IPO of Waystar. It was the opportunity you had been waiting for, so you sucked it up and agreed.

You and Siobhan sat in the meeting, both of you looking like a pair of miserable children. It made Roman look like a ray of sunshine, and that was really saying something.

Logan slammed the door, causing you to flinch.

"Fuck," he said, taking his seat.

"What?" asked Siobhan, a tinge of irritation in her voice. It’s amazing how her mood could shift on a dime.

"Nothing. I'm just a bit tired of this fucking circus."

"Well, what the fuck do you expect? You made a public promise. If you can't make good on it, why not just say so? Why continue this fucking farce?"

Logan narrowed his eyes at her.

"If I wanted to hear that, Siobhan, I would have gone to my wife's bed. I don't need a cunt in my ear right now."

Siobhan rolled her eyes. "Jesus fucking Christ. I'm a realist. You're the one who wants to live in your fantasy world. Just fucking drop the bomb, tell the truth, and let's move on."

"The truth? And what is the truth? That my son’s a psychotic, drug-addled mess? That Kendall is a sniveling, entitled little fuck? A pathetic, whiny, little shit stain who can't do his job because he's too busy jerking himself off to his own sob story? Is that the truth you want to set free?"

Siobhan stared him down, and once again, you were surprised. You had thought the woman was completely brazen, but there were still limits.

"I'm not your therapist," she said.

"No. You're not. And I'm not going to sit here and listen to a woman with the emotional range of a fucking teaspoon telling me how to handle this situation. Now, I need to get on the phone with my PR team. Fuck off, all of you. Get back to work."

You and Roman both jumped up, quickly leaving the room. Once you were safely away from Logan, you took a deep breath and relaxed a bit.

"Jesus fucking Christ," you muttered, "I don't know how she does it."

Roman smirked, "Oh, she's a special snowflake—a real ball buster. You should see her with Tom. It's a fucking bloodbath."

“Tell me about it. It’s a raging dumpster fire, even saying more than two words to her. I feel like she's going to snap my head off any minute. I’m so tired of her bullshit, and she's the least of my worries. The whole family is a fucking disaster. And I don't have time for any of it…. No offense.”

Roman gave you a half smile. "None taken. You're right; I'm the best of a very bad lot."

"Well, at least you're self-aware."

“You fuckers talking shit about me behind my back?"

You turned and saw Shiv leaning against the wall.

"Always," replied Roman. "And it's fucking hilarious."

"Well, don't let me stop you," she said, rolling her eyes. Her eyes then shifted to you.

"I didn't realize we were having a fucking slumber party."

"Just having a bit of a break," you said.

"Oh, well, that's very fucking nice. I'm glad everyone is taking a fucking break because I've been dealing with our father, who is a raging psycho at the moment. You know, while the rest of you are fucking around, the company is dying. It's falling apart, and everyone is too fucking busy to give a shit."

"Come on, Shivvy. Take a breather. You’re starting to act like Kendall… and that's never a good look," said Roman.

"Fuck off, Ro.”

Shiv glared at him, then glanced back at you. The glare made you want to hide, but you refused to show fear in front of her. You had done it in the past, and it only fed her.

"Well," she said, "aren't you going to say anything? Or are you just going to stand there with your mouth open like an idiot?"

"I think I'll take option B. I'd like to live through this," you replied.

"What the fuck does that mean?"

"I think it's pretty clear."

"Yeah, I suppose it is. I guess I shouldn't expect someone like you to understand."

"Someone like me?"

“Shiv,” warned Roman, trying to interject. Personally, despite his whacked-out sense of humor, you actually enjoyed his company. He was definitely the least obnoxious of the Roy siblings. “Let’s not get into this now, okay? Just drop it."

"No. No, go ahead, Shiv. Let's have it out. Right here, right now. Let's see if you can handle it."

Shiv stared at you for a few moments, then she smiled. It wasn’t her usual smug, condescending grin. It was different, almost sincere.

"You think you're tough?" she asked.

"No. I know I am. It's a little different, don't you think?"

"Okay," she replied, her eyes darkening. She leaned forward, her face just inches from yours. Roman just looked at the two of you as if watching a tennis match. "You're so sure you can handle me. So why don't you prove it?"

"Prove it? Like, what, punch you in the face? Is that what you want?"

"Although, as satisfying as that sounds, I was thinking we all should just move on… maybe have a drink, talk it over? Yeah? No?”

Shiv just looked at you. "Yeah, I'll pass. I'm not here to make friends, and I'm certainly not here to kiss your ass."

"That's good. Because, honestly, I don't see you as the ass-kissing type. Tom, yes. You? Not a chance. You're the type who wants everything to be handed to you on a silver platter. I'm sorry, but I'm not the maid. I'm not going to serve you or kiss your ass. I'm here because I have a job to do, and I intend to do it. That's it.”

"Oh, right. I see. Well, then, why don't we cut the bullshit and just get right to it. How about you go back to whatever shithole you crawled out of and let the real people get on with things."

“Guys-” Roman started.

"Real people? Real people? You think you're real? You think this is real? I hate to break it to you, Siobhan, but you're not a princess, and this isn't a fairy tale. You're not the queen. Your father isn't the king. You're a spoiled brat, and he's… well, he’s Logan. He's not even a king. He's just a bully."

"Is that supposed to hurt me? To insult me?"

"No, but you seem like the kind of person who doesn't take criticism well. You’re doing a terrible job.”

Shiv stared at you, her lip curled up in disgust. She looked as if she were about to hit you, but the rage was just a facade.

"Well," she finally said, "It's a good thing we're not here to play fucking games, then. So why don't you shut the fuck up and get back to work? Unless, of course, you don't think you can handle it. Maybe you should just go back to where you came from, and let the real people get on with things."

Your nostrils flared. It took every ounce of strength in you not to smack the look off her face. But you knew better. If you started a fight, Logan would take your head off, and that was a fight you couldn't win. So, instead, you smiled.

"Fine," you said. "If that's what you want. I'll do my job, and you do yours. But, just remember, the day is coming when this little charade is going to come to an end, and when it does, it's going to be a lot worse than it is right now."

You didn't wait for her reply. Instead, you turned and walked away, leaving the two of them standing in the hallway.

Once you were back in the safety of your office, you collapsed into your chair and let out a sigh. You had just gotten your first taste of a Roy fight, and it was worse than you had anticipated. The worst part was Siobhan had gotten the last word. It didn't matter that you might’ve won. She had gotten the last good word, and you hated her for it.

As the hours ticked by, you became more and more frustrated. You were angry and bitter. You were pissed at yourself for letting Shiv get under your skin, and you were angry at her for getting to you.

So, when your phone rang and you saw her name, you were tempted to ignore it. You let it ring for a few seconds, then decided to answer.

"Yes?” Your attitude was short.

"Get your shit together," she snapped. “We have a meeting in five minutes. We have a lot of ground to cover."

That was, in fact, false. By the time you arrived, the conference room was deserted, and only Shiv remained. She was sitting at the table, her laptop open in front of her.

"What the hell?" you demanded.

"I'm sorry. Did you want a fucking audience? Because that can be arranged. But, if you don't mind, I would prefer not to have any interruptions."

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about the fact that we are both here, and we have a job to do. Now, either sit down and help me, or fuck off. I really don't give a shit."

You stared at her, and she looked up from her laptop, raising an eyebrow. There was no audience, and there wasn’t going to be one. So, you had two options. Either walk away and look like an idiot, or stay and possibly get chewed out again. You took a deep breath and sat down.

Shiv just hummed in response, then looked back at her screen. "Good choice."

For the next couple of hours, the two of you worked together, trying to figure out a way to turn the situation around. Arguments arose, shots were fired, and at one point, Shiv threatened to kick you out, but overall, it was a productive session. Logan wouldn’t be pissed, so that was a win.

"So," Shiv said as the two of you left the building, "Did you cool down?"

"What?"

"I'm asking if you cooled down. Do you feel better now?"

"Um, yeah, sure. Why wouldn't I? You know, besides the fact that we were at each other's throats for hours and the fact that we both wanted to kill each other. I'm peachy."

"Mm, peachy." She said the word like it was an insult. "That's a strange choice of words, don't you think?”

“What? The real people don’t use the word peachy, huh? Is it beneath you, Shiv? Do you only use fancy words and proper grammar?"

"Oh, I can be a real commoner when the situation calls for it. It's all about knowing your audience."

"Really? So, is this the commoner Shiv? Should I expect a new side of you?"

"Maybe.” She smiled oddly again. The one that made you nervous. "Maybe not. That depends on you. Do you want to know the real me?"

"No, not particularly."

"Good. Because I'm not interested in showing you. I’m just curious if you have what it takes."

"To what, put up with your bullshit? To put up with a spoiled brat who thinks the world is hers for the taking? Mmm, yeah, I think I've got what it takes."

"Okay, first off, fuck you. Second, you're a piece of shit. Third, I have something to tell you. So, listen up. This is important. Okay, ready?"

You were about to say something, but her expression stopped you. Her voice was low, her tone serious. You nodded.

"I'm a bitch. And, yeah, I have a temper, and I'm not a warm and fuzzy kind of girl. But, that's the thing, I don't need to be. I don't need to pretend that I'm anything other than who I am. I don't have to fake it because I know what I want, and I'm not afraid to go after it. That’s what you need to understand. It's not about what you think you need. It's about what you want and what you're willing to do to get it."

You just stared at her, unsure of what to say.

"So, let me ask you, what do you want? And are you willing to do what it takes to get it?"

You thought about it for a second. "I want a drink. A strong one."

A little comedy never hurt anyone. And judging by her expression, you could tell you had made her smile.

"Well, that's a start." Siobhan had a smirk on her face. "Alright, fine. Let's get that drink. Then we'll see how far that gets you."

"Yeah," you muttered, "I'm sure."

But, as you walked down the street, you couldn't help but think about the question. What did you want?

And what was Siobhan offering?

[correctthroam]

I read THROAM for the first time in ~5 years. Here's what I have to say.

Volume I: There was so many characters I forgot about when going into the fic. Pete, Jac, Spencers family. I cant believe I forgot them. Pete will always be a fave because everyone hates him and it makes me laugh. The first volume was always my 2nd favorite, I think it still is. overall, the storyline isn't complicated and I like that. Ryan is such an asshole so I dont feel bad for him one bit in any of the fic. Also, I used to say that the bus crash was Brendons fault (I was 13, okay?) But Ryan was just an unstable motherfucker who truly should not be trusted to drive a vehicle of any kind.

Volume II: holy shit. I hate volume two. Not saying the writing is bad but Jesus Christ, Ryan is an asshole. bro literally stalked Brendon after he ran into him at that party like what? I had messaged a friend after finishing volume 2, saying "I'm a really nice person I never wanna make people feel sad, let alone make a whole fictional story about someone being severely depressed and unstable whilst chasing a boy then fucking his bf at the end???" and I think that perfectly sums up how I feel (and always felt) about volume two. other than the fact that I used to say that it was Brendons fault. (I was 13. THIRTEEN) it wasn't his fault. Some parts were, yeah, but it's hard to pinpoint everything that happened on one person. at the end of the day, its a good story I just Hate it (does that make sense) I love it but I hate it? it remains my least favorite purely for the pain it put me through.

Volume III: I love this volume. I always have. Sisky is amazing, we all love Sisky. I will say the iconic song/album references/jokes made me cringe a bit, though. Im not exactly sure what about this fic I always liked so much, I guess you can really see Ryans character growth and finally not be as much as a miserable fuck (he's still unstable dw) Since Ryan is less insufferable, it makes the volume more enjoyable. I like that Spencer and Ryan became friends again, I think it makes the book more enjoyable and tbh I think Spencer rly tied vol 3 together, if he wasn't part of it it would lowk suck. overall, best volume cant wait to host the throam tour where we go to hotel Chelsea then machias.

final thoughts: if I thought throam was 100% good when I was 13, Id say now that I think throam is about 85% good now. (does that make sense pt 2) this fic has sent me back into being 13 and I have been blasting some pretty. odd. (im listening to it rn as im typing this) and listening to this album just makes my life feel more simple. still a solid fic, I think it would be an amazing published book. and I think we can all agree that it would be amazing to see THROAM movies (in our dreams)

Thanks for reading lol

[pacifymebby]

Looking After You When You're Drunk // Peaky Blinders

Tommy

🌿Youre probably drinking because of him

🌿You argued and you got so upset and pissed off at him, so the girls took you out for a drink to get away from "bloody men"

🌿But you drank quicker than you realised. Thats the problem with drinking for melancholy and spite, you lose yourself

🌿So in the end Ada takes you back to the house, youre crying on her shoulder in the back of the car, you tell her you hate her brother and shes comforting you, "aye love, dont we all..."

🌿 When Tommy sees you hes annoyed but he feels immediate guilt. He knows hes the reason youre so upset.

🌿"Cmere angel ive got you," he says with a sigh taking you from Ada's arms. "Can you walk? No, alright then, here we go," he says as he lifts you up bridal style in his arms to carry you upstairs to bed.

🌿 If youre sick he sits with you in the bathroom, holding your hair back, rubbing your back and reassuring you.

🌿"s'alright little angel you're alright, get it all up yeah and then we'll go to bed,"

🌿Doesnt let you go to bed dirty. Undressed you carefuly, sits you in the bath and washes you gently with warm water and a soft cloth.

🌿Youre still tearful and upset, and the kinder he is to you the more upset you are. Youre feeling embarrassed for being so childish and getting yourself in such a state.

🌿"m'sorry tommy" between hiccups. Him telling you not to apologise, you insisting that you have to. Him finally giving in, "alright, alright angel if it means so much to you, i forgive you... Calm down now though eh? No more tears?"

🌿 He helps you out of the tub and towels you dry, his big hands holding your waist, being gentle and tender with you as he dries you off.

🌿Lets you drunk cry into his shirt, hold you and shushes you, hes tired but hes being patient with you because he knows hes guilty of causing you this pain.

🌿"You're alright y/n, you and me we're alright eh? Was only a little fight, no more tears now?"

🌿"Atta girl" or "theres a good girl," when you finally hush and dry your eyes. He'll dry them for you with his thumbs and ask for a smile.

🌿Carries you to bed and lays you down very gently, opens his arms up for you to crawl into so that he can hold you to his chest and stroke your hair til you fall asleep.

🌿He knows its his fault you were upset but he still feels the need to talk to you about what happened, how you need to look after yourself, not drink too much.

Alfie

🐻"Listen right, my ziskeit, i dont mind you drinkin away your troubles from time to time and getting well, look at you ey, youre absolutely fucked, i dont mind that not one bit... I'm a modern man me, I know you young ladies drink just as much as the men these days but... I really wish you wouldn't spend your hard earned money yeah... On that shite,"

🐻 Because youre drunk on Shelby gin.

🐻 "Look at you yeah? The gin - and im not surprised by this one bit right cause you and me both know what gins all about - has gone and made you fuckin miserable and now... Me here, your adoring old man, I'm gonna have to cheer you up."

🐻He feigns frustration and impatience, puts on his grumpy old man act, but really hes pleased its him who gets to look after you. Hed rather him than any other bastard.

🐻 Hes gentle with you when you inevitably start to cry. "Sorry Alfie, please don't hate me," youre very upset because you think you have actually pissed him off.

🐻 He chuckles and softens, holds you in his arms, your head fitting perfectly in the palms of his big hands. He strokes his fingers through your hair and kisses your forehead.

🐻 "Hate you? Is that all its sposed to take is it? To hate you? You listen here alright treacle, you listen to me now alright, i - thats me here yeah, this grumpy old, heartless man - i could never hate you, thats just ridiculous... It could never happen... You know why?"

🐻 "Cause right, and this might come as a shock to you yeah so just you brace yourself little one, cause i love you" points his pointer right to the tip of your nose, makes drunk you go cross eyed which he thinks is very cute. "and love and hate yeah, well i reckon they just dont work together, those are what you and i, would call opposites..."

🐻 He carries on with this speech whilst he helps you undress, he makes you sit down on the edge of the bed and gets you a glass of water to drink slowly. "Slow sips remember lovely, we dont want you making yourself sick..."

🐻 Mentioning sick was probably a mistake, he sees that when your eyes waver and you wobble a little. Luckily hes got a bucket to hand for this very eventuality.

🐻 Affectionately tells you youre a mess, "what am i gonna do with you ey flower, what ever am i going to do with you..."

🐻 Washes your face with a warm cloth and makes sure you have finished your water. Pours another glass because he knows you don't sleep well when youre drunk so youll definitely wake up thirsty in the night.

🐻 He also wants to have you sleep on his chest so that he can stroke your hair and continue to take care of you. But its also because if youre sleeping on his chest, he'll better be able to tell if you need him.

🐻 He puts a record on playing quietly, and hums softly along to it whilst playing with your hair. He's waiting to make sure you fall asleep first so that he can be there if you need him.

🐻 You don't get a lecture the next day, but he does make you promise that next time you'll drink his rum instead.

Arthur

🍂 Ever since you started seeing Arthur youve been getting worse and worse when it comes to getting intoxicated.

🍂Hes a bad influence on you that much is certain. Its his snow you get fucked up on, you drink his alcohol in his bars...

🍂 But he wouldnt have you drink and get fucked up anywhere else, anywhere he couldn't keep an eye on you.

🍂Youve most likely been partying together so hes probably pretty drunk too.

🍂Stumbling home together, falling into the back of a cab and then falling back out of it again when you get to his house. Him struggling with the key in the lock, gets frustrated tries to kick his own front door in, until you step in and help.

🍂You both get pretty needy when youre drunk and you can't keep your hands off eachother, but when Arthur sees your eyes roll back into your head before youve even made it upstairs he decides thats enough fun for now. Occasionally hes capable of being responsible.

🍂"Alright now love alright... Got to get you to bed yeah, thats right, got to get you nice and snug tucked up in your bed..."

🍂Has to hold you up, probably has to carry you up the stairs. Sits you on the counter by the bathroom sink and takes your clothes off as carefully as he can.

🍂 Tries to get you in your slip but because youre drunk you just giggle and laugh and play with him.

🍂 "Whatre you tryin get me dressed for? Silly Arthur youre so silly..."

🍂 He knows theres no point trying to talk sense into you so he gives in. He helps you brush your teeth which is also very difficult because you think the whole thing is hilarious.

🍂 You are so giggly and adorable that it is hard for him to stay mad at you, even when you are frustrating him by not letting him take care of you.

🍂 Hes exhausted by the time he finally gets you to bed. Collapses onto the bed with you, spoons you and talks to you.

🍂 "Arthur," you also get really whiny when youre drunk, "Arthur the rooms spinning,"

🍂 "No, its not sweetheart, the rooms not spinning,youre alright," be he knows you wont be able to sleep lying down because itll make you sick, so he sits himself up and pulls you up into his arms, has you sitting in his lap, head leaning on his shoulder which is where you fall asleep.

🍂 Him dozing off eventually, waking up with a stiff neck. Luckily youve woken up feeling much better and have cooked him breakfast. Its your turn to take care of him now.

John

🌼Doesnt like it when you get too drunk so you are in trouble.

🌼You try to hide it from him but its impossible, especially when not 2 minutes after excusing yourself to go to the bathroom are you being violently unwell.

🌼Johns frustrated you got yourself into such a state and he'll be having firm words with Ada and Lizzie about being bad influences on you.

🌼But as annoyed as he might be, when he hears you being sick he feels sorry for you and rushes to help you.

🌼 Will sit with you, holding your hair back, will put a towel between you and the toilet edge to stop you from hurting yourself.

🌼 Will tell you ten times minimum "I dont feel sorry for you you know love," but he does, and the more he says that the more you know its true,he does.

🌼Worries about you when you get this drunk because he worries youll get into some kind of trouble and not be able to help yourself.

🌼 If you get emotional he isnt going to let you stay sad, he's going to bundle you up in his arms and carry you to bed, probably smothering you with kisses, kissing you all over until youre giggling and half heartedly trying to fight him off.

🌼 When youre feeling better hes going to have to think of how to punish you for being so bad

🌼 But for now hes going to make sure he looks after you as best he can.

🌼 Makes you tea and tells you to drink it, has to help you hold the mug because you're half asleep.

🌼 You know youre in trouble so you try to be sweet to him to get him to forgive you, "know how much i love you john?" "thissssss much" holding your hands as far apart as they'll reach like a child. He has to admit you are very cute.

🌼 Struggles to get you to settle down at first, but once hes got you into bed, wrapped up in his arms, you pass out instantly.

Bonnie

🍀Really wishes you wouldn't try to keep up with the older lads when you drink. Youre so small it hits you twice as hard and this isnt the first time youve wound up needing carried home.

🍀Hes over protective of you too, when Isaiah or Michael tries to offer to help you home Bonnie won't let them. Hes the one who is going to look after you. Youre his girl.

🍀Youre much smaller than him so its easy to lift you up off your feet and get you back to the wagons.

🍀 You probably fall in and out of sleep when hes walking you back home, you make a fist in his shirt with your hand and nuzzle right into his neck. It tickles but he just smiles and kisses your hair.

🍀When he gets you back to the vardo hes trying to be extra careful not to wake you, he also doesnt want to wake anyone else at the settlement up because if your father sees you like this he'll blame Bonnie for not looking after you and then he'll find himself in real trouble.

🍀When you do wake up he whispers for you to hush, youre all apologetic and embarassed because you realise whats happened... You promised him he wouldnt have to carry you back home again and now look...

🍀 "Shhh little dove its alright, never you mind now, just get you into bed eh?" he kisses your cheek/temple /hair and helps you out of your clothes and into your jammies.

🍀 But then you start to feel unwell and you lurch up to run outside, youre not exactly capable of that right now though so you end up almost tumbling down the steps of the vardo into the grass.

🍀"Dove whatre you doing come back?" "Sleep outside case m'sick"

🍀 "No flower, you canny sleep outside tonight its too cold, come on now, inside..." you argue with him for ages, you drunk and mumbling, him trying to whisper and coax you back inside.

🍀"Please little dove, let me look after you,"

🍀 Makes you tea and gives you bread which you argue about eating because you feel sick. You take a lot of convincing but eventually you understand that he knows best and so you let him break the bread into little pieces and feed them to you.

🍀 You wont sleep unless he holds you in his lap and lets you rest against his chest. He has to sing quietly to you to keep you feeling centered or else the "earth will start tipping again"

🍀Rocks you gently so that you dont feel out of control, hushes you to sleep. Youre lucky because the next morning instead of lecturing you for getting so drunk he gently teases you about your hangover, but takes care of you all day too.

Isaiah

🐀Again, his fault youre so drunk

🐀He wasnt paying attention to how much you were drinking, didnt realise you were trying to keep up with him.

🐀Hes drunk too but nowhere near as much as you. He realises its home time when your head hits the table and you pass out.

🐀Has to bundle you up in his jacket and into the back of a cab. Feels bad he didnt notice how gone you were, feels annoyed too, its embarrassing that he failed to look after his woman.

🐀So with that in mind hes extra determined to take care of you when you get back to his house.

🐀"Bloody hell love next time you think about drinkin the bar dry give me a warning first..."

🐀You havent got clothes at his so he has to undress you and put you in one of his shirts. Itd be sexy on you if you werent unconscious.

🐀Hes careful about lying you down, putting you on your side so that you dont choke in your sleep. Not that he'll be able to go to sleep until hes certain youll be safe.

🐀He sits up for a little while stroking your hair, he knows youre probably going to wake up soon. When you do you dont really notice where you are and you stumble out of bed to the bathroom only to get lost.

🐀Luckily Isaiah followed you, comes up behind you speaking gently, "you're alright love, this way remember, youre at my house not yours," guides you to the bathroom.

🐀When you tell him to go away because you dont want him to see you being sick, he just shakes his head at you and stays put.

🐀"Shoulda thought about that before you went and got yourself hammered eh? Stuck with me now sweetheart am not going anywhere," holds your hair back and soothes you as much as youll allow him, just chuckles when you tell him to go away.

🐀Cleans you up afterwards, washes your face with a cloth, helps you brush your teeth. Gets you water to drink and sits with you until you feel better.

🐀Youre shivering and freezing so he takes you back to bed, wraps you up in the covers and wraps his whole body around yours, rubbing your arms and thighs to warm you up.

🐀Is evil to you the next day teasing you about your hangover, calling you names and laughing at how wound up you get.

Michael

☘️Socially embarrassing to have his wife this drunk in public so yes, youre in trouble.

☘️You probably argue about it on the way home, him telling you off for drinking so much, you telling him its his fault you were drunk. He left you on your own at the party, you got bored!

☘️He gets very frustrated with you but seeing how drunk you are and knowing how any second now you'll start crying, questioning whether he even loves you - which he does btw, hes just not always so good at showing it - he ends up sighing and giving in.

☘️"enough now y/n we'll talk about it in the morning,"

☘️Has to help you down from the car, holds you with his arm around your waist, steering you as you struggle to walk to the front door.

☘️Makes you tea and toast to try and sober you up.

☘️When you burst into tears at the kitchen table he rolls his eyes but is gentle with you in his own way.

☘️"Now whats the matter ey y/n why are you crying?" just as he suspected you start to talk about how he doesnt really love you, how he was embarrassed by you, how hes angry at you now...

☘️ "y/n, y/n, y/n, what am i gonna do with you? You know just as well as i do that none of thats true, i love you very much alright?" when you dont answer he sighs, he wants to hear you say you understand.

☘️ "Sweetheart i asked you a question? I said i love you very much... Do you understand that?" you sniffle and nod your head, trying to wipe your eyes with your sleeves.

☘️"Think id like you to use your words and tell me again alright love?" he takes your hands away from your eyes, hes being firm with you but not sharp, you dont feel like youre in trouble anymore.

☘️ "i understand michael, love you too," "There we are, thats better... Wasnt so hard now was it?"

☘️When youve finished your tea and toast he helps you upstairs. He undresses you and runs you a bath. He knows you wont be able to sleep whilst youre this drunk so he may as well take his time with you

☘️Gets in the bath with you and spends half an hour just relaxing with you, you let him wash you and then you try to wash him too but its difficult when youre so drunk.

☘️So he helps you, his hand over your hand guiding your cloth over his body.

☘️Wraps you in a towel when youre done, dries you off and then bundles you up into bed with him naked.

[frecklystars]

I have no idea if I should come back online or not. I've been offline since. my god, what. fucking April? May?? My queue only has like 10 posts so I should refill that but tbh I don't see a point if I don't really feel anything. I am just a husk, I can't enjoy anything, I am just so numb all the fucking time. I have been doing so bad and nothing is helping and I am so fucking miserable when I can't self ship. I'm in pain all the time and I need my F/Os to help me get through the day but that's so hard when I look at them and watch the movies and feel absolutely nothing. I tried watching a bunch of ryan interviews/movies/shows for the last couple of weeks and there is just. nothing

September is my bday month and every year I try really hard to be extra gentle with myself. and I originally planned to stay offline for the entire month bc I just, I don't wanna fucking be here. I hate being on this hellsite. I hate feeling pressured to get back to so many people when my energy is so low. I don't find any joy scrolling through my dashboard. I don't find joy in making edits or drawing anymore. I don't enjoy my time on here anymore bc I cannot find joy in self shipping anymore. But I don't go a day without going into fight or flight mode, or having a nightmare or a flashback, or stress vomiting, there is always something, and my Ryan F/Os were really helping me get through it for at least a year, but now it's like... the last 4 months I've just felt nothing and I feel so utterly miserable

I can't afford a cptsd therapist anymore but I try to see my regular therapist once a month if I can afford it, and she said it's best for me to try to get back online at least once in a while, bc I'm just... rotting in my room and then going to work at both of my jobs and then coming home and missing my F/Os, unable to cope with triggers since I'm not able to self ship, and just rotting again. My sleep schedule is so fucked up bc of my nightmares/panic attacks I've had every night for nearly two years. I get zero to three hours of sleep every night for the last two years. I'm exhausted all the time and! it makes sense that I'm doing poorly bc your brain makes serotonin when you're sleeping! and if I'm literally never sleeping then ofc I'm not gonna have the stupid happy chemical in my stupid brain. and I'm not eating every day since I am trying so hard to save money, and skipping meals is obviously bad for your brain too, and I'm not socializing as regularly bc I'm so goddamn depressed. so my therapist said I should try to be online again even if it's just once a week, just to make F/O edits or something. fake it til you make it, try to build that habit again. but that feels so hard! I am so numb here! and I have so many bad memories associated with the abuse I've endured that I can't log into this hellsite without just feeling so fucking awful.

I am so tired of living in fight or flight mode and getting shaky from adrenaline rushes all the time and i'm so tired of not feeling like I can trust the people around me because of how much bullshit I've had to go through in the last two years of people purposefully being kind to me in order to betray my trust and manipulate me. I really wish I could publicly talk about what happened to me. I really wish I could publicly tell you all every single little thing that I have been put through in the last 2 years. I wish I could tell you who's doing it and I wish I could post everything... obviously not for witch hunt purposes, but just so people can know what's going on and idk help me, send me support, tell me "hey it's gonna be okay" literally anything, or at the very least just so I can warn you how fucked up a group of people are and say "hey don't interact with these people I've had to actually call the police on them bc they're Fucking Insane". but I refuse to talk about my situation publicly because it won't do anything but cause drama, it will make things worse in the long run, so I stay in my own lane, I just fucking sit here, I never talk bad about anybody anywhere even in private, I never name drop, I am just trying so hard to exist and stay in my corner.

I've been so paranoid for 4 months now bc of all of the stalking I've been put thru in the last two years. I don't trust people, and it bled into self shipping so I feel like I can't trust my F/Os. I know F/Os aren't real yeah yeah I know they're fictional, but idk how else to explain it. Think of the worst possible thing someone can do to you. anything you can think of; I have been thru it. online abuse and offline abuse. my F/Os got tied into that. I was conditioned to believe that these things that were happening to me would be my F/O's desires as well. that they'd want to abuse me the same way because they love me. that I am their "most special person" and that they'd feel an "urge to hurt me". especially if I was in a skirt. especially if I looked scared. blah blah blah all this shit I was told for months and months. endured in real time and then told my F/Os would want to do the same exact thing to me because they love me. that I am only loved through violence and manipulation. because of all of this I've been put through, I genuinely believe I am only capable of being loved if it's through violence whether this is IRL or with F/Os, and anyone who is being kind to me is secretly out to get me. this is such an awful way to live and I don't know how to stop thinking like this. I don't know how to shake it off. I'm so tired.

I want to stop having an immediate stress reaction, my brain spiking my blood with adrenaline saying "you're in danger!! you're gonna die!! you're gonna die!! you need to run!!" every time I see a stupid fictional robot, or certain clothes, or colors, or. whatever. I am so sick of it. It is exhausting dealing with so much stress and anxiety every single day!! every second that you're alive!! I cannot put into words how fucking terrible it feels!!! it isn't just a "eh this happens every once in a while if I just see my trigger" thing, it's a "I feel this every goddamn second that I am awake and even when I am asleep bc I'm having nightmares about it" !!! it's hard!! it sucks! it's hard!! I can't function if I don't have my F/Os and I don't have my F/Os anymore, not in the same way. I don't feel anything for my Ryan F/Os at all right now. Barbie doesn't make me feel safe anymore bc I don't feel anything when I look at her. I can't look at pink and think "ooh barbie pink" and try to get over that trigger. I just see pink and feel tense and like I wanna throw up. I don't see Barbie as a protector anymore bc I'm so numb. I don't see Barbie as a girl's girl who would look out for me, I see her as a potential abuser. I hate this. I miss her so bad. I miss feeling safe with F/Os. I am trying really hard to get that Ryan/Barbie hyperfixation train going again but I don't know how to do that when I am so miserable. I don't know where to start. am I supposed to fake it til I make it? draw and edit and listen to music and just try?? or do I just?? watch the movies? it's not working. but even if it's not working do I just keep doing it anyways? it's like there's a brick wall in front of me and anything throwing love/joy in my direction just hits the wall and I can't absorb it.

So anyway I'm sorry to rant. I've only slept 6 hours total in the last 7 days so my brain is like. suffocating. i'm probably almost done talking. being offline hasn't helped me feel better. I think isolating myself is, uh. not good. but I really don't have the energy for dms. I can try to answer maybe like... 3 asks a week if I push myself. I feel so bad that so so so so so many people reach out to me and I just don't answer. I don't do it on purpose I just genuinely have zero energy, or if someone sends a nice ask, in the back of my head I'm always thinking "nope this is a trap. I shouldn't engage with this" and like, what if it's not a trap? what if it's genuinely just someone trying to be nice to me? I don't trust it. i hate walking on eggshells. i hate that someone can send me "hi keri have a nice day :)" and my brain is like "ah this person is spending one whole entire year pretending to be my friend so they can betray me. they're secretly on the side of [abuser] so they can try to hurt me. don't trust!!!" like. hello. i hate that i've had experiences like that, so now any person who contacts me is automatically a "possible threat" ??? it is exhausting living like that. it's hurting me. i don't think this way on purpose! i am not trying to feed/fuel these thoughts. i have a literal stress disorder. this is part of the stupid complex post traumatic stress disorder. i am! stressed! to the point of this hurting me and i am unable to function! and! idk how to fix it. it's like someone planted poisonous seeds in my brain for 2 years that have sprouted into ugly huge trees and I can't cut them down. because the bark is too strong. or something. and now there's just poison in my head that I don't know how to get rid of.

ok sorry for rambling, I don't know if I am coming back online or not. I am supposed to! I should! I really should! but I really genuinely hate this hellsite after everything i've been put through. i never enjoy my time here anymore. but also my birthday is coming up and I deserve to enjoy my birthday. I want to enjoy it. I want to get better so bad, and if being online and making edits and drawing pictures is supposed to help with that then I will try. at least a little. I want to enjoy my birthday so bad dude. i hate my birthday, I have hated my birthday for years, but this year I am so... hurt, I feel like an open bleeding wound that cannot heal, and I want to be so gentle to myself this year. I want to eat apple pie at a diner and wear my drive scorpion jacket even if im numb the whole time. I want to go to the movies and bring my barbies with me even if im numb the whole time. I want to go rock climbing. I want to eat soft serve ice cream and not feel guilty. I want to learn how to watercolor paint even if i'm gonna suck at it at first. I have 3 F/O anniversaries coming up. K on the 1st, Driver on the 18th, Lars on the 26th. I should enjoy these days. I am not looking forward to any of it. I am just. numb. but I need to try. I cannot just sit here and tell myself it's hopeless. but then again I don't have energy to do anything other than that. but whatever, I will try even if it's just, like, one single day this month where I post art or answer one (1) ask. like literally anything I will push myself to do anything I want to get better SO bad

I'm gonna fill up my queue now, I'm sorry if it seemed messy the last month, I haven't checked it. I used to always organize my queue every day to post certain amounts on certain days, time it accordingly, make everything look all nice and pretty, but I haven't done that. I don't even know if ppl notice that kind of thing or not, I think it just makes me feel better personally when I know my blog is organized. I want to try to answer one or two inbox messages every once in a while. if I don't get to your asks or dms, I'm sorry, it is nothing personal I swear to god I literally am just a zombie right now barely alive and I am trying so hard to just. survive 😭

I love u. I'm sorry my tone in this whole thing comes off very bitter, I am genuinely just fighting to stay alive one day at a time for years and years and years and the cptsd made everything so unbearable and i feel like every single second im alive is such a struggle. I hate being so negative all the time I promise I am clawing my way out of hell to try to fix it even though it hurts the whole time. i want to get better not just for myself but also because i feel so bad that i make vent posts so often. i miss self shipping. im gonna stop here or im gonna spiral even worse. goodnight/goodbye ill touch base later

[themoonstarwarrior]

Bringing this back

(vent under the cut)

(long post warning)

So I'm tired and VERY hormonal, but I need to get these TSAMS feelings out so I'll shove them here and maybe it'll help.

I am so upset and angry with what's happened with this show. Theres been times where I've been overwhelmed by this show, or felt like TSAMS dropped the ball narratively, but I've always gotten through it and came back because of what the show gave me.

But this entire arc has broken something. At first I kept my distance, took a break, watched Dazzle episodes or ones from before the stupid confrontation. And the more episodes in this arc dropped, the less I've been able even watch ANY episodes. I'm starting to realize that this might be the breaking point where I this show isnt worth it anymore, and I leave for good.

And that FUCKING SUCKS!!!!

I've LOVED this show! For two years I've endured the twists and turns, despite how ABSOLUTELY TERRIBLE my mental health has been, because this show has been a comfort to me. My hyperfixation blorbos being RPed, playing games and going through shenanigans, portrayed AMAZINGLY and giving me EXACTLY what I want in anything I get into: great characters and familial bonds.

But this arc destroyed the family part. It's taken everything its built in the characters and completely ruined it. And its STILL not over, even though they're treating it like we're in downtime.

I'm angry at the show for all these awful decisions that have made me and EVERYONE ELSE miserable. I HATE what they turned New Moon into. I HATE how Earth, Lunar, Monty have been behaving. I HATE how Old Moon has been shoved in. I HATE how Old Moon is acting, especially when New Moon is brought up. I HATE HOW EVERYONE IS BEING FORCED TO LIVE WITH ALL OF THIS.

And I'm upset! I've lost an important comfort in my life because of poor writing and bad decisions. I'm even loosing the happiness I had in the way the show used to be because ITS SO PAINFUL. I still need that escape, I still love the characters, but I may never get it back now.

And YES, I realize that the creators have a right to make a show however they want regardless of whether people like it. And YES, people should not be so obsessed or dependent on a fictional story that you lash out or attack real people.

But you know what?

ITS BAD WRITING! ITS BAD CHARACTERIZATION! IT MAKES NO SENSE! IT COMPLETELY UNDERMINES EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENED BEFORE! AND BECAUSE OF THOSE CHOICES THAT I HAD NO CONTROL OVER, I WILL PROBABLY NEED TO GIVE UP SOMTHING I LOVED! I AM LOOSING SOMETHING THAT HAS LEGIT BUILT ME UP WHEN I NEEDED IT! WHAT I HAD FEELS POISONED, WHAT COULD BE FEELS IMPOSSIBLE, AND I MAY NEVER BE ABLE TO HAVE THIS AGAIN!

And the worst part? I STILL CANT STOP HOLDING OUT THAT THIS WILL ALL BE FIXED.

I keep hoping that at some point, some reveal will happen or the terrible choices will be acknowledged or even this whole thing will be retconned or undone. I feel like I can forgive the show if New Moon gets some justice cuz I want to enjoy this again.

I don't know, I'm mostly rambling at this point and maybe somebody feels the same way and I'm not just in a menstrual-fuelled emotional meltdown. But I have a right to feel how I feel, and what I feel is this:

I'M ANGRY, I'M UPSET, I HATE THIS ARC AND EVERYTHING ITS DONE, AND I WANT MY COMFORT SHOW BACK!

[that-spider-fan-over-there]

BNHA 428: This chapter made me annoyed and yet it was still somewhat better than I expected?

Himichako. I like it, it's a good ship- not one I'm crazy about, but the vision is compelling. I mean, the loved girl on hard times who admires honesty but represses her feelings + hunger motifs, and the formerly wealthy and rejected girl who's honest to herself but masks her sadness from others + drinking motifs? Being so similar at their core from selfishness, bleeding love, admiration and imitation? Yeah, why not, sign me up, it looks fun.

(plus Ochako needed a subplot that would shy away from Izuku because oh boi her writing is messy-)

Then the ending annoucement happened and I immediately went "oh no" when I remembered that tidbit. But. Yesterday, I remembered this page from 424, which in hindsight makes sense:

Shoto moving forward and choosing to not dwell on his past anymore, because he wants to know the man he wants to become alongside his family of choice.

Spinner feeling so much grief for Tomura inside his room, his extra Quirks add up to it. Further gut points as it was all because of AFO, but the wrong person is getting the blame.

Ochako looking lost and dissatisfied, not really saying anything about Himiko's status; then her hidden injury which left a scar that'll never go away, nothing can change that.

And then, well, a sky with a chance to fight for a "bright future". Which is the most ambiguous you can get for anything, really, sequel or not.

(sidenote: is it me or the panel where she's touching her stab wound looks like a tangent line?)

Okay so, I went into the chapter, with Pikahlua's translations. It was A Chapter alright-

If it wasn't the antepenultimate chapter, the "filler" would've been welcomed. But I guess it means we should focus on the smaller details, I guess? Like that 1st year saying Izuku filled him with courage and Izuku immediately thinking of Spinner's pain? Yeah he hates himself and that people call him a hero, when he considers himself a murderer, and will never forgive himself for failing Tenko, therapy for him and everyone in Class 2-A please- yeah it was a fun detail. Also the throb of hiding your pain of "defeating" someone you wanted to save but in the end everything is miserable but everyone else is happy and you don't wanna be a bother. Fun.

Also I wasn't the one to point the out, but looking at the uniform (U.A. uniform blazer for boys + the tie with a dot for girls), the student who's a Izuku fan is probably trans/gnc, which I appreciate a lot :D (Damn Izuku attracts so many queer people I wonder if that's a sign- /hj)

Also, I guess Class A stating "[Bakugou], Midoriya and Todoroki were at the heart of it all" then focusing on Ochako is good foreshadowing on how her own battle wasn't fully recorded? It's like saying in the end her fight didn't matter, but the other ones went "well", so she's trying (and slowly failing) to keep her sadness at bay because, well, everyone's happy, so who cares? Another "throb".

I thought since the Todoroki family issues are out in the open, didn't they record the whole thing? Then I re-read it, they only saw the family stopping Touya from exploding. So they didn't see Shoto trying to talk to Touya, which means none of the LoV were humanized. Fuck's sake.

After that, I get focusing on the first years and civilians wanting to help and all, but it feels like a repeat of everything seconds before Jakku, so I assume it's a way for them to pretend things are normal? But not-quite-quoting Katsuki (<- which I will point out for my sake is very much alive and well and- oh boi LFtR will kill me) and Edgeshot here because it made me smile:

"Will you...go back to the way you were?" "I plan to attain something greater than what I was originally!"

So, yeah I suppose he'll be fine eventually. (Best J. really loving Edgeshot even as a worm, honestly, goals)

Again with Izuku remembering saying "[He'll] bring it all back" and apologizing for "not keeping his promise" and others telling him to not blame himself and they can reconstruct as many times as it takes. Again, gave me a little smile, but not for long-

Finally, Ochako pretending things are fine. Hello there, Sports Festival/Provisional License!Ochako I missed you- /hj (I miss the dorms era in general, actually.)

So... *sigh* Full disclosure: I wasn't looking forward to Himichako as we were getting 5/10 pages for the "conclusions" in the previous two, I thought Ochako would be off about Himiko being depressed about the League. But since she's MIA, red flags are now red herrings, and it's better than the dead outcome. If Ochako got another person dying in her arms that'd just break her character.

A blood transfusion takes hours, she couldn't been doing that for more than 20min, if it was gonna kill anyone it'd be Ochako. Either Himiko ran away or got arrested, and Ochako feels guilty because she doesn't know if she's dead or not. Not great, but until I see a corpse she ain't dead. Besides: Touya, Shoto, Edgeshot, Katsuki, Toshinori, Ochako herself, all physically hurt unlike her, and yet they live.

And then we have Izuku showing up. I'm upset he used OFA embers for this, but eh, it's Izuku, do I expect anything else?

Rolling with the assumption Himiko died (like our POV characters), Izuku would need to face his own failure in Ochako- Failed to save two people like she failed Himiko, but it'd be so. Empty. Ochako was true to herself, while Izuku gave nothing but "I want to save that crying kid" while fighting Tenko. The most they can do is bond with "failing" and "this isn't what we fought for". This is not really a moment where he can be a shoulder to cry on, it'd come across as hypocritical /neg.

The only way it could make sense it without being shallow on Mr. Control = Repress Your Heart's part (as he didn't open up to the two people who died in "his watch") is Ochako telling how Himiko loved yet seeing him repressing this part of his is idiotic? She likes people who are true to themselves, which Izuku hasn't been for ages, leading to him realizing something. I thought it'd be through a DvsK3 but. I'll take it, two chapters left, I just want his thoughts (and for them to talk but that can happen in the last one).

They only recorded Shoto stopping Touya from being a suicidal bomb, Ochako floating a bunch of Twice!Himiko clones and Izuku entering a coccon, popping out armless, getting them back, punching Tenko to death. The "I want to save [them]" wasn't registered, it makes sense they're (well, Izuku and Ochako mostly) weirded out about this, dissatisfied like most readers are (sidenote: why when it comes to the trio either Ochako or Shoto get sidelined? So much could tie their stories together and yet-)

It's still a tough pill. I'm not a villain stan, just wondering if those fights were for nothing- the humanity of Tenko and Himiko? Can't be proved for anyone else, since they weren't recorded.

And I don't know if anyone saw the same thing, but those "city lights" look like the bubbles from Ochako's awakening, maybe we'll get a Blackwhip or Entrance Exam callback? Maybe it's what the tagline meant by "hidden feelings", since she unlocked it to reach Himiko and doesn't think anyone would understand why. I hope it's just a nice visual though.

If Himiko is truly dead though... You know, I headcannoned the characters were telling the story through confessionals/recordings to register it to the world so they'd learn from that, but I guess the interviews Aizawa was talking about seemed more likely, which. Well it's something, but I thought it'd be everyone instead of just Class A. Idk. The idea the LoV didn't change anything, or that they did change things but don't get to see it, is bitter.

So uh. Yeah, those are my thoughts. I'm not sure how to feel about it, on one hand I want Izuku to finally open up but on the other, it feels like it'll be at Himiko and Ochako's expense by involving him in something that's theirs now. And there's a chance we'll get the "nothing is fine" from Ochako- god I'm fearing the discourse next week already :DDDD

... Man, and this is a bad timing to be in the fandom, considering the LFtR episode airs this Saturday (which will be yesterday by the time this post goes up and I'll be crying about that instead-), so uh. Yeah, this fandom will be emotionally devastated for two reasons XD

Okay, so I'll try ending this on a more optimistic note: I think Himiko is alive, and Ochako just doesn't know it, which is why we're getting 0 confirmation and a breakdown. Izuku's confrontation with her can make or break this plot, but as long as 1) we acknowledge the emotional, different stakes between the Himichako fight and Tenko vs. Izuku one and 2) it doesn't end in a confession (and let's be real, it won't), then we're probably good (sadly, if you disregard the LoV status). I still think it's an ass pull for the camera battery to go out though.

But no matter how this goes: C'mon, two chapters left now, this one was wasted on the first years, smh, let this sequel hopium be a reality I wanna know who's the 425 guy, not the poor first year who's gonna replace Shindo Yo in fanfics- /hj

[aho-dapa]

A personal rant on Nesta and Elain’s relationship and how I feel about it

TW: tbh this is a very personal rant for me given that my perspective on life informs how I see these characters (mostly Elain) neglect, abuse, parentification, fucked up family dynamics basically

For framework of this post, I'm anti sjm, anti IC, and pro character nuance even when it comes to the IC

Yknow, reading ACOSF was actually so difficult as someone who really wanted to see more nuance in Nesta and Elain’s relationship

I hate that Feyre actually used Elain’s packing of Nesta’s old home behind her back as a weapon against her, that it reinforced Nesta’s isolation

I hate that we never really understand what happened between Elain and Nesta before this moment, just that somehow someway Nesta was at fault and Elain was ‘justly’ hurt by Nesta, I hate that we, as readers, never even get the possibility to decide for ourselves

I hate that when they do finally talk to each other it’s this:

Elain: “I know the circumstances got your coming here were awful, Nesta, but it doesn’t mean you need to be so miserable about it.” (In reference to Nesta literally being confined to the House of Wind after getting evicted unjustly by the IC, in which Elain was willingly used against Nesta)

Nesta: “You tell yourself there’s nothing that could have been done because it’s unbearable to think that you could have saved him, if you’d only deigned to show up a few minutes earlier.” (In reference to Elain not being able to save her father and implicitly shaming her for it, noted, this is also a response to the above which matters)

Like, the fuck??

Where was the build up to this moment? Where was the reason?

For one, it’s so gross of Elain to invalidate what Nesta is going through, and is also gross of Nesta to place that blame on Elain

It’s just fucking gross all around

And I would have been okay with it, if it was fucking resolved by the end of that huge ass book, but it’s not

They don’t even talk about it, just a small joke and a truce at that ball, and they don’t even talk about the actual painful shit they said to each other

A personal note on this topic:

I’m gonna be honest, I like Elain (to some extent) even though we don’t know too much about her. All I know are these things, she’s someone who was taken care of from a young age, and relied on Nesta and Feyre basically like how a dependent would.

And tbh, out of all the sisters, despite relating to all of them in some way, I feel like what Elain’s going through is connected to my life more personally despite it not being written from her pov. Elain has all the typical signs of a golden child. Loved and cared for and seen as a the best child but also infantilized. She’s so fucking infantilized at every fucking turn.

(TW: A personal note about abuse and neglect) I had the strange dynamic of being both the scapegoat and the golden child to my mother, whenever it suited her, I was shown off like a trophy to my extended family but also was treated like the poison that was causing my parents’ marriage to fail.

As someone who grew up disabled, not able to walk, I also relate to that depression Papa Archeron inevitably has, despite whatever we want to say about canon and neglect

Elain likely took care of him, while both Feyre and Nesta took care of her

Tbh, the sisters’ dynamic is messy and complicated, and I’m not gonna trust sjm to write it well at all

But growing up as a disabled person, not being able to make choices for myself in my own care, I can understand where Elain is coming from

From the beginning by Feyre, Elain is casted in the light of childlike ignorance and while not entirely blamed for it, is also never confronted about it. Elain is doesn’t know that she’s not doing enough for Feyre and this likely forms resentment with Feyre later on. That’s understandable.

As a kid, I grew up stable enough to have what I wanted and then had to live through poverty when we lost our house. The transition in mindset is one I wasn’t one I immediately took to. I didn’t understand why I couldn’t go out to eat, no one ever sat down to explain our money situation, and even though we were definitely going through it, it was expected of me to understand that we couldn’t do certain things

So I would innocently ask for things out of our budget and ask for expensive food without realizing, and would get blamed for the guilt my mother felt for not being able to provide for me as she wanted to. I learned to never ask for what I wanted, and it’s still something I'm learning to deal with whenever I buy something or need help

I mention this all to say that Elain does similar things in the first acotar book. She asks for something out of the budget and she asks for things without malice, merely because she wants something and thinks Feyre can give it to her

Feyre never says that they can't afford it or that she needs to buy new boots for herself, she doesn't explain this to Elain and Elain is never given the chance to say, "Oh, I didn't realize."

She's not allowed a moment of growth, she's stagnated in her childlike responses to things both because of the narrative sjm wanted to tell and because of Elain's dynamic with her family.

I don't even think Elain understands money and how it works (neither does sjm but that's a different point). It's possible she sees the deer, the fur, something new and something that they could sell in the market for, and thinks they might have enough for something she wants

It's a mistake I made so commonly in my childhood, that Feyre's resentment actually breaks my heart

That's what makes Nesta's protectiveness over Elain feel both like care and shackles

(Something sjm tried to address but did so fucking poorly, like usual)

Later on, when their wealth is restored, Elain goes back to the familiar easily, likely because she never truly got to have the mental transition both Nesta and Feyre had (and her father was actively hoping for this to happen so he was likely excited about this as much as Elain)

I also want to point out want happened in ACOSF between Elain and Nesta. I mentioned in another post the Elain likely (mostly her unconscious inner child) sees Nesta as a mother figure. That Nesta likely was the one that took care of Elain when they were younger more than her mother. Nesta likely gave Elain the kindness of her mother, the attention of her father, and Feyre was too young at this point

So I think it's understandable why she's lashing out in ACOSF to Nesta, because it's that realization that the person who's been taking care of you your whole life, the one who you can go to and lean on and not be judged by, can no longer take care of you

To some extent, Elain realizing Nesta is going through hell, she has to face losing another parental figure and her first reaction is likely to cling onto that relationship even though it's unhealthy for both of them

Its like a child asking why their parent can't take of them, isn't that their job?? Except Nesta isn't Elain's mother and never should have been put in that position

Elain reacts in indignation and anger and hurt because that's what a child does, and Elain is going through this now because she's never had the chance to before, now she's being forced to

She has to grow up and she's petulantly digging her heels in

On the note of ACOSF, in the scene where she and Nesta talk (where I pulled those quotes from the beginning from), Nesta is not in the right head space at all to deal with Elain and what she's going through

Nesta is just point blank not able to do it. Mentally, she already feels like someone undeserving of love and is a horrible person. She's deteriorating and Elain just comes up and acts like she's not dying inside.

(Fuck sjm btw for doing this to Nesta)

In fact, Elain can see that Nesta is miserable but says she should basically be handling it with more grace. Which, is fucked, but it is something that is commonly told to literally anyone going through shit and by people not willing to be sympathetic to that

(It could almost be internalized misogyny because women are expected to deal with things gracefully or 'in a manner befitting a lady' but that's another discussion for another day)

What I want to point out in this discussion is how Nesta interacts with Elain because we honestly can't for sure know Elain's POV (despite this whole post projecting on her because sjm doesn’t give us enough for me to satisfactorily understand the character she’s writing after nearly FIVE books but whatever. Skill issue I guess)

A note on how they view each other and how they talk about each other in ACOSF:

This is honestly like?? Just a thing, but the implication is that Elain is pampered here, she wouldn't do this or that. It's framed as a bad thing, especially since at this point the stairs are representative of Nesta’s freedom being held hostage and Elain just gets to come and leave without consequence.

From Nesta's POV:

Someone had brought Elain here, since there was no way in hell she had climbed those ten thousand steps.

She stopped a few feet away. As if holding herself back from the embrace she might have given.

Like Nesta was some sort of disease-ridden leper.

Like, again, this comes from a distorted view Nesta has of herself, not helped by the IC at all. It's likely that Elain just know how to bridge the gap between them that has formed.

Elain had been the ghost then, too thin, with her thoughts turned inward.

Somehow Nesta had become the ghost.

Worse than a ghost. A wraith, whose rage and hunger were bottomless, eternal.

Elain had only needed time to adjust. But Nesta knew she herself needed more than that.

It was always that way between them: Elain, sweet and oblivious, and Nesta, the snarling wolf at her side, poised to shred anyone who threatened her.

In ACOSF, Nesta and Elain have switched places from ACOMAF when Elain was honestly going through it. Regardless, both of their mental states have been used to gain high ground with each other in this fandom and I'm like, not going to do that, that's not the point.

Rather this comes back to my previous point. Nesta has had to take care of Elain, likely as a mother would. It's the resulting parentification Nesta has endured.

This is also... Like yes, needing more or less time to adjust in general, especially to a traumatic situation, is morally neutral. What makes me pause of the self woe is me of Nesta saying she's worse than Elain in nearly every way. This is a result of her mental state. But it's also not helpful to either herself OR Elain. This instead puts Elain on a pedestal, in her own box.

WHICH IS INTERESTING BECAUSE BECAUSE BECAUSE: going hc now but, with how Nesta was groomed by her own mother, it wouldn't surprise me if Nesta also 'parents' in this way towards Elain. Except Elain gets to be everything Nesta didn't get to be in the eyes of her mother; perfect, beautiful, gentle, demure, a lady. Elain, to Nesta, deals with her own grief more respectably than Nesta, which is likely an external expectation placed on her from a young age.

There is also the idea that Nesta has more patience and gentleness with others than herself.

Elain had accepted his death as inevitable. She hadn't bothered to fight for him, as if he hadn't been worth the effort, precisely as Nesta herself knew she herself wasn't worth the effort.

Another comparison Nesta makes between herself and Elain. Except there's also this element of protection to it. Often, Nesta is willing to be that 'wolf' to protect Elain, the innocent and oblivious. But again, this also places expectations on Elain, that box her in.

"...Go back to Feyre and your little garden."

Again, with how Nesta essentially views Elain's grieving process. But instead, I'd say this comes across more as a twisted mess of Nesta's own unresolved feelings towards her father and also equating herself as him. He was their father, and in many ways Nesta played that role for Elain. When she hates her father, I suppose in some ways, she is also hating herself in this moment.

The unsaid said here is also Nesta's survivor's guilt. I think it's not far fetched to say that (presumably) just like Elain, she wanted to save her father and she wanted to 'be early' to help him.

"She's not getting any better. She's not even trying."

This is also likely Nesta acknowledging that they've split. In ACOTAR through ACOWAR, it has always been Nesta and Elain, Elain and Nesta. But in ACOSF, Nesta feels betrayed by Elain because of Feyre's actions. People hate the IC and Rhysand for Nesta's imprisonment, but this is also a product of Feyre using her authority and deciding Nesta's bodily autonomy with her own 'goodwill' in mind.

And Elain famously has always had a little garden. But it's also an isolation from hurt and pain, it's a place of comfort, and it's always been a place where Elain belongs. This time, Nesta is saying that Elain belongs there (despite whatever Elaim could want).

This could also reflect Nesta’s bitterness about being trapped.

Nesta shot to her feet. "No."

Now, this is what Elain says about Nesta. Which tbh, is understandable for her POV. This is after Nesta says those quoted words to her. But this is also ultimately a result of no one acknowledging the pain and honestly disgusting thing they've done to Nesta. Elain expects that Nesta will get better in an environment that's actively worsening her mental state. The reasons why Nesta does 'get better' is always connected to something outside of the House of Wind with Gwyn and Emerie. The library, despite being close, is not the same as the HoW, so it makes sense that Nesta would go there to escape.

Elain remained in the doorway, her face pale but her expression harder than Nesta had ever seen it. "You do not decide what I can and cannot do, Nesta."

... "You will not go looking for it."

I think this is honestly this crux of their dynamic. Nesta is the 'mother' and Elain is the 'child' despite them actually being sisters. Nesta tells Elain what to do, as a parent would would their 'power' over a child. Except Elain is rejecting this.

This is... a dynamic that is honestly just done a major disservice by sjm. Neither of them acknowledge anything in a meaningful manner and none of them resolve anything at all. ACOSF establishes dynamic poorly and does an even poor job of doing honestly anything about it. Nesta instead is beat down so much that she just breaks down and accepts it. And Elain doesn't grow in any way either. Instead, because sjm and her characters do not actually acknowledge the reality of the conflicts they have, Elain just comes off as more childish and spoiled, which is like, also horrible for her character. A clown show is what this whole series is.