#i get so disappointed in myself when i make dumb mistakes in math or i just don’t understand what my english teacher wanted

[thegirlivealwaysbeen]

you're not an academic failure!! all the best for you math test tomorrow <3

ty <333 i get so hard on myself about this kind of stuff, but hopefully tomorrow goes well and soon we have another english assignment

[lettersnorth]

It didn't surprise Aislinn an onze that Mivo'to had up and disappeared on his attendings one sun. Nor was she all that concerned. He had knocked himself out due to a miscalculation. It certainly wasn't the worst thing the clinic had seen. And he had clearly recovered. Win-win all around. She got to work stripping the sheets from the bed and cleaning  up the now vacant room.

Cravendy wandered into the clinic in search of fresh bandages and ointment. She could still feel the pressure pushing down on her bones, the smell of ceruleum burning after the explosion...and it didn't seem like it was going to go away any time soon. When she stepped in, she noticed Lin and called out to her on instinct. "Lin!"

An armful of sheets, Aislinn rounded the divider just as Cravendy called out. She halted, surprise flitting over her face for a brief moment before her expression pulled back to neutral. "Cravendy." she nodded a greeting and then scooted around the Seawolf to the waiting laundry basket. "What brings you in here? Everything alright?" she asked as she shoved the ball of sheets down into the overfull basket. Guess the wash was next on her list.

Cravendy awkwardly pressed herself against the infirmary partition to give Lin more space to walk, and got the feeling that she's not exactly a welcome sight. At best, a nuisance to entertain while there were chores to be done. With a shrug, she headed over to the cabinets and began pulling out all kinds of medical supplies. "Oh, ye know. Smartin' after the battle, lookin' for somethin' to make it all feel better. What about yerself? 'ow are ye 'oldin' up?"

"Me?" Aislinn asked as she straightened and brushed a flyaway wisp of hair from her eyes. "Aside from pulling Mivo'to out before the whole place went up I didn't do a damned thing that woulda caused me to be banged up." She eyed the collection Cravendy was haphazardly pulling from the potions cabinets and picked up a bulbous glass jar filled with a warm, golden liquid. This, she passed to Cravendy. "Drink two spoonfuls of this. Three if it doesn't take the edge off." she then nodded to the drawer below the cabinet. "You need a patch up? Afraid G'lewra is out so if you do, I can do it the mundane way. Or you can wait for her to aether-heal it."

“Could ye?” Cravs muttered as she gave Lin a curious stare. “I’m used to patchin’ myself up at this point but...I bet ye could get the ‘urt out faster.”

Cravendy grabbed the jar of golden liquid before heading back to take a seat. She twisted the medicine open and gave it a good sniff or two. "Bleh. Anyway, even if ye didn't do a thing, it's not every day ye survive an explosion. So, well, there's that. That and..." Cravs trailed off. "Well. I was surprised ye didn't use yer fancy math shields."

Aislinn paused, shooting the Seawolf a look of concern as she pulled the needed bandages and supplies from the drawers. The pain must be bad if Cravendy wasn't willing to wait. She went and joined the woman on the couch, setting a tray of the necessary items next to her. Careful not to meet the Seawolf's eye, she gave a half shrug at the observation. Silence reigned as she gingerly gestured for Cravendy to show her the burns. It filled the space until finally, with her time at the hot spring fresh in her mind, she let go a sigh and broke it. "I can't." she admitted, finally. "I can't use my shields or...any of it. Not since....not for awhile."

Cravendy unbuttoned her shirt, revealing bandages tied across her chest and around her back. There's also a significant scar on her lower abdomen that looks like it's healing weird, but healing nonetheless. "I applied ointment a few days ago, but it's 'ard to reapply it to my back. If ye could..."

Cravendy trailed off at Lin's admission, unsure what to say. She was originally going to poke fun at the situation, joke that Lin needs to practice the basics again. "Oh. Well, uh. What're ye doin' about that, then?"

The conversation was momentarily forgotten as Lin gathered the full measure of Cravendy's injuries. "Gods above, Cravendy. Why the hell didn't you come in the moment  you got back? Or say -anything- out there in the field. I coulda done something -then-!" To be fair, Cravendy had done a decent job, all things considered. She obviously wasn't new at this. Even so, the oddly healing scar drew Aislinn's attention and she carefully inspected it closer, her aether sense stretching out. She could, at least, still do that much.

"I assumed everyone got just as roasted! Figured, I could still move, so I could treat my own wounds. Bah, this was a mistake..." Cravs leaned a little away from Lin, nervous to show vulnerability. But when she noticed Lin drawn to the scar on her stomach, Cravs brought a finger to her lips. "Risin' gave me that one. Don't tell 'er though."

Cravendy tugged her shirt around herself so she's wrapped from the elbow down for the sake of modesty, though it really doesn't add much. "Anyway, ye were sayin'? About yer magic bein' broken?"

Aislinn jerked her chin up as Cravendy began to draw away, the look on her face all but daring the Seawolf to just try and keep it up. Small as she was, she wasn't letting Cravendy out of there without proper treatment. "No. Waiting to come here was the mistake." she chided. She shook her head in exasperation at the mention of the weird wound coming from Rising.

She could only imagine what raucous bout had caused that. "I have this way about me," she said, quickly surmising that if she kept talking, Cravendy would stay put. "Of absorbing curses. Cursed energy, hexes..." she trailed off as she motioned for Cravendy to turn around so she could get the ointment on her back. "Turns out, a person can only do that for so long until all that bad energy needs a place to go. It's made my aether...a touch unstable. I *could* cast a spell. I just don't know what'll come out."

Cravendy saw the face Lin was making - the same sort a parent would give a fussy toddler - and pouted. But she was already here, bandages exposed, back turned and ointment ready. It'd be even more dumb to get up and leave after getting so far. "Fine, but be thorough, eh? I want to be better by the time we 'ave to get blown up again."

Cravendy obliged to whatever Lin needed her to do in order to work and listened quietly, face forward and staring unfocused into the room. "Weird. So if I put ye in my room, would ye absorb all of the bad vibes? In the east, there's all this shit about Feng Shui and harmonizin' with yer surroundings."

Cravendy glanced back at Lin to see if her joke landed.

Aislinn blanched at the thought, even though she knew it was more than likely that Cravendy was just being a smart-ass. "Who knows...probably. Apparently I've been walking around for years just absorbing ambient refuse. Now I'm full up. Or close to it. It's...painful to be close to anything like that. Like I'm burning up from the inside. That's when I first realized something wasn't right." she said quietly as she cut away the old bandage and carefully pulled it back with delicate fingers.

Cravendy let out a disappointed breath at Lin's reaction and went back to looking forward. "That sounds...painful. I wish I could 'elp, but don't know the first thing when it comes to magical ailments. But I will say, ye should 'ang back until ye get this under control. Last thing ye need is suckin' up more bad energy and makin' worse."

Cravendy scowled as she revisited what Lin had just said. Burning up. Absorbing curses. A worrisome theory forms. "'ey, uh. When did this start? Just casually one day?"

"That's me, a walking bad luck charm." Aislinn muttered as she dressed the new bandages and applied them to Cravendy's back. "Don't worry, I've asked someone to fill in for me on the next job in Coerthas while I try and get this problem sorted." The ointment was cooling and numbing all at the same time and would dull the pain of the burns as the medicinal herbs got to work healing the skin underneath. Aislinn was quiet long enough that it was obvious she was trying to decide how to skirt the question.

She started reassembling the supplies back on the tray. When she rose to her feet, she figured the only way any of this between her and Cravendy was going to work was if she stopped hedging and just be honest. No matter what. "Probably ramped up while we were trying to find the Helm." she said as she took the tray over to the sink.

Cravendy tensed when the ointment is first applied, but breathes a sigh of relief quickly after. "Ah, thanks, already feels better. And the person coverin' for ye...is it that string bean fella I saw ye talkin' with in the library? What's 'e like? Don't often see 'im around. Guy looks painfully serious, the kind to take offense at small talk."

Cravendy was silent for a while after, staring at the partition rod as if it's the most interesting thing in the world. Finally, loudly and suddenly, she groaned. "Shit.”

"Shit! That really pisses me off!" Cravs stood up, shirt still dangling around her arms, and paced around in a circle. "Fuck! Goddamnit. Ahhh, bloody...Lin, why didn't ye say somethin' earlier?!"

Turning away from the basin, Aislinn leaned back against the sink with a faint air of amusement. "Aye, the string bean fella." she waved a hand up through the air. Anything more she might have had to say on the subject was lost in the wake of Cravendy's agitation. Caught up short, her eyes flicked away and then back to her. "Because I didn't know what the problem was. Only that these sudden burning sensations would flare up every so often. And then once I did, it was all said and done. What good would it have done to bring it up to you after the fact except to put you in a state like this?" she gestured to the anxious pacing the Seawolf was currently succumbing to.

Cravendy wanted badly to grab Lin by the shoulders and shake some sense into her, or maybe, just shake her until somehow she got better. Cravs nearly snarled, hearing reason in Lin's words but not having it. She clenched and unclenched her fists, not sure what to do with this sudden anger.

"Even worse, ye die a slow an’ painful death! I like to know when I've messed up so I can do somethin' about it!" Cravs huffed. You could practically see the steam hiss out of her ears.

In the face of Cravendy's anger, Aislinn breathed easy, slow breaths. Matching the Seawolf's temper had never worked for either of them in the past. It was on the tip of her tongue. The correction that if this would kill her, it wouldn't be slow but violent and sudden. She decided that really was besides the point right now. "How did -you- mess up? You weren't there. And what would you do about it?" she asked, trying to get Cravendy to see reason.

"Ye don't understand. This whole shitty business with the Helm...If I didn't suggest raidin' that Garlean ship. If I 'ad the balls to stick around and save my crew. If I didn't summon 'er, then, maybe..." Cravs breathed heavily until she was light-headed, but it worked to calm her down. She fell back down into the couch with a hand over her face to cover her reaction. "...Shit, I don't know. Maybe ye'd find some other stupid way to get yer fill of cursed energy and die anyway. I don't know. Maybe.”

Cravendy spoke, words muffled in her palm. "Lin, I. The fireball. That..." Cravs shook her head. "...doesn't matter. I don't know what I'll do about it, just that I'll do /something/ about it."

Aislinn heaved a sigh and pushed off from the sink, coming to join Cravendy on the couch. "And then you'd be dead, right? Isn't that how it all worked? Honestly, it was only a matter of time. It was always going to catch up to me at some point. The Helm business just ushered it along." she paused. "Which isn't to say that fireball that Wyda hit me with didn't hurt like hell. Hard not to take something like that personally." she said, in a rare attempt to lighten the mood.

She turned to look at Cravendy, mustering a smile. "Look. I'm working on it. A friend and I are tracking down someone in Ishgard that'll know about my problem. And...hopefully what to do about it."

Cravendy puffed up her chest, about to come up with a rebuttal to Lin's answer. As usual, she came up empty, and then similarly let out a tired sigh. "Feh, yer always so logical, even about all heavy shit like this. I....guess that's what I like ye for though. Just - just. I don't know. Leave the stupid to me."

Cravendy would take comfort in the fact that Lin was actively looking for someone to diagnose the issue, though this would linger in the back of her mind for long after. With or without Lin's blessings, she'd find a way to help. This was either going to lead to great success, or equally great disaster.

[shyneanon]

okay, okay, second time givng a prompt :

*US! Papy and a studying reader*

a friend of mine thinks about this for a long time now XD

Ahhhhh, I see. You’re asking for a friend. Sure.

I’m kidding. This was a really fun prompt, although I guess I changed it to US! Paps and a trying-to-study Reader. I hope you (and your friend) enjoy!

---

“Wow,” was all Papyrus could say as he turned the massive textbook over in his hands. “You’re going to go through all of this?”

You nodded. “Yep. And the first test is Monday.”

“Welp. RIP in pieces.”

He handed you the massive calculus book back and you flopped down on his couch. You’d mentioned the book to him already, but he hadn’t seen it. You’d decided not to take a photo-- he’d needed to see this in person. It was several inches thick.

There was no point in putting it off, you supposed. The test was Monday, and it was the first test. You had no idea what to expect. So you propped yourself up, leaning back against a small pillow, and started to read through the first section the class had gone through. You had already forgotten all of it.

You instantly started to fall asleep.

“What are you doing?”

“Huh? Sorry. I’m trying to study.” You lowered the book a bit to find that Papyrus was now sitting on the couch, leaning back. He raised a brow.

“Study?”

“Yeah.”

He gave you a mock glare, squinting. “You come into my house…”

“Apartment,” you corrected, albeit with a smile.

“C’mon,” he said, “don’t study here.”

“I have to.”

“OK, then let me help.”

You raised an eyebrow.

“Wow,” he said, feigning offense. “OK then. Cool to see that you trust me so much.”

“OK,” you said, “you can help.” You looked at the book. “I’m not sure how, though, considering this is math. It isn’t really about memorizing facts.”

He thought a moment. “Mm… Are there new math terms or something? We could start like it’s vocab. Cuz like, what if they ask you to find something and you don’t even know what it is?”

That made sense. “Sure, we can start with that.” You flipped until you found a list of terms and handed them to Paps. “Give me the definitions first.”

“That’s easier though.”

“Yeah, I’m being lazy.” You smiled. “Like you.”

“Studying isn’t lazy,” he argued before giving you another smile. “But you’re trying, so I’m proud of you.”

You smiled. Dork.

He looked at the book, then made a point of clearing his throat.

Oh no.

“What,” he said, in a British accent, with a high-pitched voice that made him sound like an old woman, “is a function that gives the slope of a--”

You snorted and laughed a little. “Paps, stop.”

“I’m afraid I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he said, still in that ridiculous voice.

“I can’t focus if you’re making dumb voices!”

“Young lady, I will have you know that my voice is quite beautiful, and I do not take your insult lightly.”

You pinched the bridge of your nose, still grinning. “Just give me the book back if you’re not actually gonna help me.”

His voice returning to normal, he said, “Nah, I don’t think I’m gonna do that.”

He stood up, and so did you. “Hey,” you said, “give me my book back.”

“Nope,” he said, heading for his kitchen. Oh no, what was he doing? You followed after him, but when you tried to grab at the book he just held it high above your head, far higher than you could reach. If you hadn’t already known that he wasn’t ticklish, you would have attempted to weaponize that, but that attempt would be all for naught.

When you arrived, he immediately started putting the book on top of the high cabinets. No, not in the cabinets. On top of them, in that space between them and the ceiling. He didn’t even need a stool for it, he was so tall. “No!” you cried. “I need that! I paid for that book!”

“Relax, you’ll get it back later.”

“But the test is Monday!”

“Yeah, and right now it’s Friday afternoon.”

“That’s only a few days.” You put your hands on your hips. “This is why I didn’t trust you to help me.”

“But you changed your mind.” He grinned smugly, raising his brows. “Your mistake.”

You pouted at him.

“Now you just look like my brother when he’s disappointed in me.”

The pout turned into a smile. That didn’t really surprise you; there was a reason that Sans liked the two of you hanging out so much.

“C’mon, let’s order pizza and watch a movie.”

You needed to be studying.

But that does sound nice…. And I am hungry….

Before you knew it the two of you were on the couch again, this time eating pizza and watching a cheesy rom-com instead of studying, like you were supposed to….

“Watch this,” he said. “He’s going to tell her that he likes her because she’s literally the only woman who’s ever rejected him.”

Sure enough, the love interest said, “You are the only girl who doesn’t fall at my feet.”

“Narcissist alert,” you said, raising your eyebrows.

“I know, right? It’s frustrating.”

“How often do you watch these kinds of movies?”

“Um… I have the right to remain silent.”

You laughed, then realized something. “OK,” you said, “wait.”

“Yeah?”

“So if that’s why he likes her, then once she kisses him, or has sex with him, or whatever… isn’t that it? Like congrats, you got your conquest in. Right?”

“... Huh. I never thought of that. Good point. I always assumed it was that he likes the girl’s stubbornness?” He winked at you. “He’d probably like you, Ms. I-Have-To-Put-Your-Math-Book-In-An-Unreachable-Spot-To-Get-You-To-Hang-Out-With-Me.” He paused, then said, “That was a mouthful.”

“Well, I will pass,” you said. “He seems like a jerk.”

“Wow, girls like guys who are nice? Who knew?”

You laughed, then smiled at him. “I’m surprised you don’t have a lot of girls after you. You’re really nice, and you’re fun.” Seriously, he was… great boyfriend material…. You coughed a little.

“Well, even if I did, there’s only one girl I’m really interested in.”

Whaaaat? “Ooooooh?” you said, looking over at him with a grin. “You like someone? Who?”

He just looked back at you, raising a brow.

Your face got very hot very fast.

“Wait,” you said quietly, “m… me?”

You saw his face turn orange. “Yup.” He made small jazz hands. “Surpriiiise.”

A giggle escaped you, and he grinned.

“Are you really surprised? I thought it was obvious.”

You shrugged. “I just… wouldn’t expect you to like me.”

He blinked, his smile faltering. “What? Why not?”

“I dunno, I’m not super chill all the time, like you.”

“Well yeah….” He grinned again. “But I’m not sure if dating someone as lazy as me would be a good idea. I like that we’re different.”

Your face got hotter at the mention of dating. What he was saying did make sense. “I like it too.”

He didn’t say anything. Not sure what else to do, you avoided eye contact. You didn’t want to look stupid. Did this mean you were dating now? He hadn’t asked. But neither had you. Should you ask? But then if he thought you were that might seem dumb. And if he didn’t think you were, it would be a weird way of--

You started as you felt his teeth tentatively pressing against your lips. Not wanting him to think your flinch was a negative response, you quickly kissed back-- albeit a bit harder than necessary.

He chuckled, looking surprised and amused. “Wow, I didn’t expect you to get that excited.”

You shoved him lightly, smiling. This time, when he brushed some hair out of your face and cupped your cheek, you leaned in with him so that your lips met in the middle. You hummed softly, and so did he. Testing the waters, you started to wrap your arms around him, and he responded by returning the gesture. You lay your head on his ribcage.

“Welp,” he said, “this was a way better reaction than I was expecting.”

“Did you expect me to slap you or something?”

“No, I was just worried I was gonna make things weird between us. Like you were gonna be like ‘Whaaat no you’re like a brother to me but we can still be friends, but now I feel super weird.’” He shrugged. “Sometimes I think me being chill has an adverse effect. Makes me seem like a sibling or something.”

You snorted. “Says the guy with the sibling who’s always worrying about him.”

“Y’know, that’s a good point.” You could hear the grin in his voice.

Then you felt his teeth press against the top of your head and blushed.

“So,” he said, “are we… are we dating now, or…?”

You snickered. “I was wondering the same thing, to be honest.”

He laughed a little.

Right, you still hadn’t answered.

“Um… I’d say yes.”

“Cool,” he said. “I say yes too.”

Both of you snorted.

“Man,” he said, “we’re dorks.”

“We are,” you agreed.

“You’re a cute dork though.”

Hah… Your face was warm now. “You’re cute too.” You looked up at him and pretended not to notice his blush. “Y’know, I would still be mad at you about you taking my book, but… now we’re dating, so I’m not annoyed at you anymore.”

“Nice, I bailed myself out.”

You giggled again, and he gave you another kiss, this time on the cheek.

“C’mon. Let’s take a nap together.”

Together. You felt warm and fuzzy inside.

“OK,” you said.

[ded-inside-and-outside]

I've seen many posts with TMP OCs, so I thought, why not? I am not a good artist, but I love knitting and writing, so here it is.

Name: BFFs

Colours: black and white. The ghost shines with celadon color.

Sound after an answer: cackle.

Activation: press the button "Hell for the two" in game settings.

Answers: right - 1000$, one right - 500$ + punishment, wrong - 0$ + punishment.

[REDACTED]'s words after greetings but before audience description: "I guess it was a bad idea to use this doll, but you know what? Who cares, it's your burden now. Two players control one body, which means if one of you messes up, both will be punished. But you will get 500$ for each correct answer.

You know what else is double? Your punishment. Only in several rooms, though. Stay twice as cautious. Get it? I have a plenty of these puns. You know? TWICE the amount you can bear!". The host laughs hysterically laughs after that but almost immediately stops and shifts attention to the audience.

Two right answers in a row -> killing room after the third question, even if others didn't answer.

Random phrases, when [REDACTED] speaks in the elevator: "I used the scarf that my auntie gifted me. I felt sick, whenever I wore it, so I made the doll. Wasn't a change for the better".

"Thought by this time you'd be screaming at each other. Another disappointing day".

Killing rooms:

Chalices, Mirror (should be the same correct answer), Pegs, Phones, Tattoos (the sum of the votes): pair task, both should do.

Donations, Greed, Math, Rules: pair task + arithmetical mean from the score.

Dictation, Dumb Waiters, Gifts, High Rollers, Lock & Key, Loser Wheel, Mind Meld, Password, Quisplash, Scratch Off, Skewers, Skull Dice, Escape Room: random player.

If there are three correct answers in a row:

"I get a double headache because of you. It's time to reconsider your behaviour, since you're such great buddies".

"You think two heads are better than one? Don't even dream about it!".

"Three questions with three correct answers? Sounds like cheating to me. Which requires a punishment".

If both players survived: "You remind me of Aloysius and myself. We walked side by side and made a history together. But don't think that I'll spare you because of that". After that the finale begins.

Final round: only same answers are taken in account (1,2 and 1,3 -> 1, for example).

If both players made zero mistakes or gave a wrong answer only once, the plushie changes for a single-headed rooster. [REDACTED] says: "Unexpected. A-anyways lets return to business". Then the same line from the normal survival.

If the changed plush wins, we witness the cutscene. We see the backroom of the scene, where the same doll is sitting on the box for sawing, a double-sided saw, covered in blood, is sticking out of its slot. We hear two people angrily whispering to each other. It's Aloysius and [REDACTED]. Instead of the second name we hear audible interference. Aloysius blames the younger host for being immature since he whimpers about the deaths and the police and says it was a mistake to take a college student with him. Then the cousin orders [REDACTED] to hurry up and assures him that the host will improve his abilities in killing in no time. Then there are police siren's sound and a stomp of two pairs of legs.

After that we return to reality. The winner is in the hospital. We don't see the host but hear him:

"It's hard to escape the past, isn't it? Congratulations, you won, but to survive you have to answer one last question: "Who am I?".

When the last players are choosing the answer, the host continues:

"You don't know my name, but you learned a lot about my past. My family, my hobbies, my sense of humour, my job. So, am I even a human in your opinion?" (It's hard to win with this character, so the players must have played many games before).

Answers:

●disgusting creature, that doesn't deserve to live.

●a horrible sibling, who ashamed his own family.

●a lost person, who made many mistakes, but who can still confess.

●a weeping loser, who achieved nothing in life.

Any answer would lead to him saying the players are wrong. After all of them, except for the third one, the players die.

Third answer makes [REDACTED] become silent for some moments. Then he chuckles and discards players' assumption: "You are either crazy or too naive for your own good. There is no point in killing someone who didn't learn their life lessons. Get out of here. Your presence have already ruined my mood for a week".

We see a newspaper, where "the killer is still in run", no matter what the choice we made. If players survive, their plushie apears in the newspaper. If not, we see remnants of the hotel in the photo.

Interesting fact: first victims, who tried this plushie survived with 5 wrong answers. They had Grandpa's glasses, but pulled through as a ghost in the final round.

It's a purely fan-made concept. The game, characters and the original lore belongs to Jackbox Games. Only this character and the written above description belongs to me.

[wynniewright]

Little Piece of Heaven (M)

→ Pairing: Kim Namjoon x Reader (female)

→ Word Count: 8k 

→ Genre: Valentine’s Day AU | First time (sort of) AU | Fluff | Smut

→ Warnings: Implied past abuse (Previous relationship), reader has a little trauma, reader doesn’t like to be touched, first time sex with boyfriend, first time sex after past abuse, so much fluff, mild mention of panic attacks and oncoming attacks, soft boyfriend Joon, fingering, cunnilingus, making out, dry humping, face-sitting, protected sex (be smart kiddos), cockwarming if you squint, sort of porn with little mention of plot (?), empowered abuse survivor, probably the most fluffy writing with dark undertones, implied first attempt with Joon, Joon is a saint and everyone needs one of him, I think that’s it

→ Summary: A sexually abusive relationship left her untouchable and almost inconsolable, until a white knight named Namjoon made his way into her heart, mind, and soul. Three years of a relationship together with constant attempts to stop the panic attacks and test the boundaries of intimacy, Y/N decides Valentine’s Day is the perfect day to show him how much she appreciates his presence and how much she’s improved… all because of him.

→ A/N: Okay, so I tried with the warnings but I just wanted to state things a little better down here for those interested. A better description for those wondering if it’s going to be triggering for them: It’s about a girl who finally reaches the point in healing after her previous abuse to successfully make love to her partner. He’s not abusive, there’s nothing triggering or any mentions of the actual abuse. It’s very mellow and calm, extremely soft with oral consent, so if you don’t find any of that triggering, you’re safe.

→ A/N Part 2: I fixed the “fat” instead of “sat” mistake and the others I could see. If anyone else sees something off, lemme know. My editing software didn’t flag out of place words so excuse the dumb mistakes c: ALSO THANK YOU FOR THE 100+ LIKES! 

The jingling of keys and gentle closing of the door signaled the arrival of my boyfriend. The sounds echoed through our tiny one-bedroom apartment despite his every attempt to not make too much noise in case I was asleep.

Namjoon spent every waking moment at school with a job at the campus bookstore on top of his night classes. His schedule took a bit of getting used to at first, but paired with my morning classes and afternoon tutoring gig, it worked out in the end. It ended up working well for the both of us, aside from the fact that I was always in bed before he got home. At least we still got to go to sleep and wake up next to each other.

I heard him set his keys down on the island counter and start walking back towards the bedroom. The thudding of his boots stopped at our open doorway and I swore I could hear him wiggling his feet out of them. He waddled across the floor in his socks before the the rustling sounds of his clothes brought a smile to my face. He was always an awkward one, especially when it came to changing clothes. It was more like him wrestling himself out of them rather than stripping.

I remembered the week I no longer cringed at the sound of his zipper. When I could actually laugh at the thought of him tripping over his pant legs when he couldn't get them off completely.

A lot had changed since then.

"Hey, baby. I'm home," he whispered, sliding into bed behind me and tucking himself under the covers to snuggle up to my back. He didn't hold me tight, instead opting to throw a loose arm over my waist as his front barely touched my back.

The thick layer of darkness flooding the room didn't stop me from taking a peek at his arm to see what he wore. As expected, I noticed the little bit of sweater paw caused by only Joon's most favorite t-shirt in his closet. Despite the cuteness of it all, a small part of me was almost grateful that he wasn't bare.

I frowned at the though, placing my arm atop the one draped over my side. "Hey."

I only sat there for a moment before forcing myself to turn around and face him. After a long day at work and school, I liked to take some time at the end of the night to look at him. He always had such a soft look on his face whenever I checked him out, letting me do it for as long as I wanted with no interruptions. Sometimes I thought that maybe he got a kick out of my little routine. Who knew.

His soft brown eyes focused in on my face, adjusting to the sudden darkness as I scooted myself a tad bit closer to him. Even in the dark, I saw his little dimples poke through as he smiled at our closeness.

"Did I wake you?" He asked, his fingers sauntering up my arm to cup my cheek in his palm with hesitance.

I nuzzled the side of my face into his hand, pressing a quick kiss to it with a consenting smile. Nothing hurt me more than to watch him walk on eggshells more than he already did for me. It wasn't fair to him.

"No, I was waiting for you to come home. How was your day?"

He brushed back the little hairs that framed the side of my face and grazed his knuckles across my skin.

"Work was decent. Our new hire, Jimin, started today and we got along quite well. He seems pretty cool. As for school, well -- it was school. If I look at one more calculus problem tonight, I'm going to scream. I'm actually going to have nightmares about it," he giggled and I found myself laughing along with him.

I wasn't good enough in math to be in calculus but I spent enough time studying with Joon to know that the workload was ridiculous. Especially with midterms around the corner.

"I'm glad your day went well," I mumbled, leaning forward to brush my nose gently against his. It wasn't a big gesture but we both shared a love for the little things.

"Yeah, I am too." He nudged my nose with his and hummed.

"Hey babe?" I smiled. "Happy Valentine's Day."

Leaning forward, I pressed a delicate kiss to his beautiful pink lips, the ones I could never get enough of. I sighed out against him at the warmth of his face, no doubt his body was as warm if not warmer. I brushed that thought off by clearing my throat. One step at a time.

"Happy Valentine's, babygirl. Couldn't imagine a better way to spend it than this," Joonie muttered with his lips still flush against mine. He pushed our foreheads together, nose skimming alongside one another as we laid there peacefully.

I loved any chance to sit with him that close, but even with him laying all snug beside me, something felt off. No matter how close the two of us got, we couldn't get our bodies to be that intimate either. In my mind, I loved him, trusted him. That didn't stop me from having to remind him that none of it was his fault, even if his hand or close proximity was the trigger. It felt like a burden to want to love somebody when your body and mind didn't match up. It dragged him down and upset him more than I would ever forgive myself for.

And somehow, the consolation for us both was the amount of progress I'd made in three short years Namjoon and I were together. When we first met, everything was so much worse. I wouldn't let him hold my hand or give me a hug until six months into knowing him, and it was only because he was different. He was the only person I didn't have to force myself to be okay around and the only person who knew the extent and cause of my fear. I remembered thinking to myself, 'Why would someone like him be with someone like me.' Over the years, he made it his job to make sure I knew the answer to that.

I'm not broken.

After that, we spent months working on sleeping in the same room, since some of the first attempts ended with panicking that freaked him out as much as it did me. Still it never came close to how bad it was when we tried sleeping in the same bed.

Namjoon's gentle fingers danced across my cheek and I let the thoughts of the person I used to be float away with each touch.

"Everything okay?" He asked me while his thumbs ran over the smooth flesh of my cheek. While I was in thought, he seemed to have pulled a bit away to watch me. He always knew exactly when I needed to stop thinking so much. It was one of the many reasons I continued to push my boundaries with him.

"Yeah, everything's fine." I smiled and turned my head to press a quick peck to his rough palm. "I've been thinking a lot about something recently." His eyes grew wide, as if I said something worth making him nervous when it was the other way around.

A couple months before, I started seeing a sex therapist to help me with my intimacy issues. I passed it off as tutoring work because I didn't want to disappoint Joon if it didn't work out. I felt stupid for lying to him about something so important, especially when he was the only support system I had.

But it worked. A few months of working with her and searching myself, Joon and I went further than we had before. We slept in the same bed, pretty much snuggled up against one another every night with no attacks and no stress. He was smart, way smart enough to notice that things had gotten better. So why not tell him?

I bit my lip as I tried to word what I wanted to say. 'I want to have sex with you' was a little brazen and 'let's try to make love' sounded cringy in my head. Doubt clouded my thoughts as I recalled the last time we had this conversation. It didn't go well.

"I don't know... how to uh," I started, only to look up into his eyes and realize I was completely unprepared to bring it up with him. Did that mean I wasn't ready?

No, no. I was definitely ready.

I pushed myself to sit up, leaning against the wall behind the head of our bed and curling my knees up to my chest. As soon as I did that, he sat up in alarm with his hand placed on mine in support.

"It's nothing bad, I promise. I've spent a lot of time thinking about you and... us. It's weird to see how far we've come over the past few years and I've realized something. There's something I want to try, because I trust you and it's something I want to share with you." I trailed on, my eyes beginning to wander before I forced myself to refocus my attention on him.

He looked a little nervous, even after I promised it wasn't something bad. In a weird way, I felt relieved that he was anxious to hear what I was anxious to say.

"I want... I want to have sex with you." Clearing my throat, I forced it out. I didn't have enough energy to keep stressing over it.

He didn't exactly react immediately. Whether that was a good or bad thing was beyond me. I could see the wheels turning in his head, no doubt trying to make sense of what I said and piece together the implication.

Maybe I shouldn't have said anything to him. Maybe in his own way, he wasn't ready to try again so soon after the last time. What if he didn't want to do that with me? What if he settled for me because we could hardly be anything more than platonic?

"I don't understand. What changed?" His grip on my hand tightened, not enough to hurt me but instead reinforcing his support.

"Me. I've changed. I've grown so much with you and I've been thinking about this a lot because it's something I've wanted to give you. You deserve at least this much, and I know that's not a valid reason to have sex with someone and it's not the only one. I started seeing a therapist to help me get over... everything. I wanted it to be a possible option for us and our relationship," I spewed out. My words must've come out quick, since Joon grew closer to me with a more concerned look on his face. It was the same face he made when he was trying to memorize a new formula or work out a difficult equation.

"I don't want you to do anything you don't want to do. I want to spend the rest of my life with you and if we have to take years to get past everything, then we will. There's no rush." He took my face into both his hands and looked me straight in the eyes, reminding me exactly why I wanted to do this for him. It was the same reason I longed to be intimate with him. I wanted him to push me on my back and whisper how much he loved me while we make love and that's what we were going to do. No matter what it took.

I couldn't help but smile at his protectiveness, not to mention the thought of being with him for the rest of my life.

Reaching up, I grabbed at his cheeks with my own sweater paw-covered hands, cupping his face like he always did to me. And with a calmness I didn't know I had in me, I kissed him.  His eyes took a couple of seconds to close before I felt his lashes flutter against my cheeks. That's when I knew I finally had him.

He released a quivering breath as our lips parted but before he could pull away from me, I pushed myself up onto my knees with confidence. His velvety lips were gentle against my own as he mirrored my actions until we both knelt on the bed with our bodies pressed tightly together. I pulled him into me, taking his plush bottom lip into my mouth to smooth my tongue over it with practiced ease. He released a soft huff against me, moving a hand to brush some hair behind my ear while the other slid down my waist. His fingers pressed into the soft skin there with purpose, somehow managing to ease the frenzy my heart went through. He made me feel safe and loved and protected.

Ah, I loved him.

I moved my arm to wrap around his next, securing him to me as our kiss became more open. The more our mouths molded to one another, his will to resist faded into nothing as he finally opened his mouth up to me. Our tongues danced and tangled, leaving me dizzy and completely oblivious to the outside world. I forgot the broken girl who was afraid of him, despite knowing he'd never hurt her. I forgot the times we struggled to try and physically love each other, as if our lips and teeth erased all the dark.

Namjoon pulled away from me for a brief second with a thin string of our mixed saliva connecting the two of us. He kept his eyes on me in a gaze that I couldn't recognize. I scrunched my brows.

"Tell me that this isn't what you want and I'll stop. You know I would do nothing to hurt you," he choked out with pain in his voice. My thoughts drifted back to the last time he said those words, right before out whole night fell apart. All because of me.

I pushed myself up higher, straightening my back and gathering as much confidence as I could. Running my fingers through his soft brunette locks, I dug my fingers in enough to hold him there. "Please don't stop," I whispered, scanning over his face to watch it melt with resolve. Without the hesitance he held from before, he closed the distance between us once more and framed my face with his hands as he kissed me sweetly.

With my answer clear for the both of us, he supported my back and laid me down to sweep my legs out from underneath me. He rested himself above me with no part of him aside from his arms and lips touching me as he held himself up. His arms were wobbling with the exertion to balance on the mattress and keep off of me. He didn't want to touch me. That wouldn't do.

"I want you to make love to me, baby," I mumbled against him, retracting my arms from his neck to grip at his shirt and pull him down onto me. As his body came into contact with mine, an odd and unfamiliar heat burned between my legs. He pressed up against me completely, his hard-on flush against my core. I wasn't used to the warmth there let alone the new set of hips spreading my legs open.

I let out a noise I hardly recognized as he drove his hips gently into mine, earning a soft groan from Joon and a few pecks along my jaw. Goosebumps raised the hair on my right side as he buried his face in my neck to leave a trail of wet kisses.

"I'm going to do a lot more than that, babygirl. I'm going to show you that you're my world and you deserve everything I have to offer you."

He traveled down my neck, lips ghosting across my skin until the neckline of my shirt got in the way. I peered down in time to watch his finger run down my chest and stomach, skimming down my body until he reached the hem. He paused to look up at me with the obvious question lingering in his eyes.

"Can I take this off?" He asked, playing with the bottom of the shirt until I bit my lip and nodded 'yes'. Despite my answer, he didn't move.

"I want to hear you say it, Y/N. Out loud. I'm not making any mistakes this time." He pushed himself back up to press a chaste kiss to my lips before I cleared my throat out of nervousness. Even with mild anxiety, I knew what I wanted.

"Yes."

He scanned my face once more before taking my word, fingertips sliding underneath the shirt to pull it up. He inched it up my body until the bottom of my breast poked out from beneath, and still he kept his eyes on my face.  I leaned up to help him remove my shirt completely, baring myself naked from the waist up for his eyes to feast on. Only he didn't. Almost a year since he'd seen that much of me and he couldn't take his eyes off my face. If something made me cry that night, chances pointed at that small notion.

The same dopey smile stuck on his lips as he traced my bottom lip with his thumb.

"You're so beautiful." His smile grew bigger and I couldn't help but smile myself. The heat on my cheeks made it difficult to look at him in the eyes, but I pushed past that. I nuzzled against his hand and gathered the strength to look up at him.

He leaned in for another kiss, this one sloppier and somehow more comforting than the others. His lips cushioned mine, tongue smoothing over what he could until our teeth clashed and I lost sight of what was mine and what was his.

The kiss didn't last as long as I wanted it to, instead he broke it off to once again travel his way down my body. His hands slid into mine, providing me with some support as his lips traveled down my collarbone and the top of my breast. His chin skimmed over my nipple and forced me to suck in a sharp breath. His lips ghosted across my chest until it reached the peak, his lips taking in my hardening nipple. The first thought on my mind was how perfect his lips felt on me, despite how much my mind fought against the idea of someone being physical with me. A little pit of fear pooled in the bottom of my stomach at the familiar feeling on my chest brought back memories of him.

But it wasn't him. There was nobody capable of making me feel as good as I did in that moment. Nobody but my Namjoon.

I opened my eyes and realized I didn't remember shutting them. Joon looked up at me with practiced patience and understanding before resuming his task. He pressed kisses everywhere he could reach, making sure to even peck the little freckle I had at the top of my cleavage.

"Welcome back," he grinned, maintaining eye contact as his tongue poked out from between his lips and leisurely swiped across my other nipple. It didn't take long for him to coax it into full hardness to match the other.

I scrunched my nose up in embarrassment, pursing my lips. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be. You came back to me." Something about the way he spoke made my heart skip a beat and almost jump out of my ribs.

"I love you," I mumbled, reaching down to play with his soft brunette locks as he skimmed his nose down the front of my body.

Joon pulled one of his hands from my grasp and let it glide down the side of my body until he settled on the pajama shorts I wore. I tightened my legs together some, lifting my body half for a second to adjust my position. The material, along with my underwear, clung to my skin uncomfortable, almost as if it was suffocating that part of me.

"What do you want, love? Want me to take these off?" He cooed, pressing soft kisses between my breasts before looking up at me with the adoration he always held for me. I reached down to let my fingers run wild in his beautiful blond locks, etching the picture of his chin on my chest and hair hanging low on his forehead into my mind.

I moved my hand from his head and down his neck to grin the collar of his shirt. I hadn't seen the tanned expanse of his smooth skin for a year. A full year.

The thought along brought tears to my eyes. Everything that I needed, he gave to me. Anything I wanted or didn't want, he made happen without question or hesitation. I always knew how much effort he out into making sure I felt safe and comfortable,, but at what cost? Not being able to get dressed in the same room as me or being forced to wear clothes to bed even if it was hot and sweaty?

"Baby. Everything okay?" Joon's voice snapped me back into the moment and I tried to keep myself blushing at the thought of being called out once again.

I cleared my throat and blinked away the tears, putting on a small smile and tugged at his shirt. “I want to see you, Joonie. I want this off,” I admitted to him.

A boyish grin plastered itself on his face as he nuzzled the side of my breast. "Would you like to take it off?" he asked when I realized I hadn't let go of him.

I nodded eagerly, yet the tight ball in my tummy lurched in disagreement. I took a deep breath as he rolled to the side and took me with him, taking me by surprise. I couldn't help the gasp that escaped me when I landed on top of him, chests smooshed together and our lips barely an inch apart. We didn't stay that was for long. He sat up and guided my legs to wrap around his body, a position we were very comfortable with already.

My heart thumped in my chest and for a moment, a knot formed in my throat and made it difficult to breath. His hands moved from my waist to cup at both sides of my cheeks as he pressed tender kisses to the center of my face. In some ways, I could've compared him to a guide dog that knew exactly what to do when I broke down. He recognized everything immediately and didn't hesitate to start showering me with kisses as we kept still. it was out own way of telling my body and mind to adapt to something new and uncomfortable - that it was alright and safe. Every peck to my skin broke down the lump in my throat until I felt like I could breathe again.

"I'm okay. I'm okay," I repeated to myself as my boyfriend nodded, something I followed to help the rapid beat of my heart.

"We don't have to go any further than this, babygirl. We've already come so far," he grinned, flashing his dimples as he skimmed his nose lovingly against mine. 

He used 'we' not 'you'. He always took every opportunity to show me that we were a team and every time I picked up on the detail, it made me want to cry. I never needed reminding of how much he cared for me because he showed me in even the smallest of things.

Without responding back to him, I let my hands wander down the flat planes of his torso, surfing over his chest and exploring every dip and bump of muscle with my fingertips. It almost felt wrong to be touching him with such confidence after so much time has passed since the last - and first - time. But deep down, it made me excited. The surface of myself wanted nothing more than to play the helpless lamb that shied away from attention while underneath it all, I longed for him to touch me like nobody had before.

Trying to refrain from thinking too much, I let my fingers fall towards the bottom of his shirt, pinching the material between my fingers as I nibbled on my lip. With a nod of encouragement from Namjoon and a finger thumbing at my bottom lip, I let my hands wander under his shirt to meet his bare flesh for the first time.

He was warm -- no. He was hot. His stomach convulsed under my touch and I almost let out a soft 'awe' knowing that this was the first time he was touched in a long while. Just knowing that warming my cheeks and raised a confidence in me that I didn't know was there. With enough conviction to move my hesitant body, I pulled his shirt up and over his head to expose him to my eyes.

For the first time, I dropped my eyes from out lingering gaze to admire the wide expanse of his chest. He was beautiful and tanned, muscles evidence of the daily workouts he loved so much. His chest and stomach rose and sank with each deep breath, making me reach out and touch his heart.

What was he feeling? Was his heart beating quick like mine was?

With a quick press of my palm to his peck, I confirmed with a giggle that he too was either as excited or as nervous as I was. His heart thumped beneath my hand and I couldn't help the joy that bubbled in my chest as I realized it was beating for me.

With a triumphant smile, I closed the distance between us and pressed my lips against his, missing the way he felt against me. Namjoon matched my tenderness with a soft passion of his own, taking my lips in between his own and pulling me closer. I moved my hands from his front, choosing to drape them around his neck to play with his hair and explore the smooth skin of his back.

He let out a soft groan as I glided my fingernails across his neck, positioning his hands on my waist before releasing my lips. I took in a deep breath of air to calm the slow burning in my lungs when Joon nudged my head to the side with his nose. his lips trailed a pathway down my neck, leaving little pecks and open-mouthed kisses in its wake. He buried his face in my neck once more, giving the sensitive area more attention and enjoying the wave of goosebumps that flushed that side of my body. His hands tightened their grip on my hips and I knew what he was asking of me.

I took a couple of small breaths to steady myself, rubbing eh side of my face against his before gently rocking my lips forward into his. My sudden actions forced a light moan from him as his body immediately reacted by pushing back against me.

It was difficult to describe the feeling I was experiencing between us. I continued rocking against him in search for an answer to what it was, how it felt, and how I felt about it. The pit of fear and anxiousness that remained made itself known again, rising up to my chest. I fought back against it by coiling my arms around his neck and letting out a whimper as I pushed myself to continue.

His hands stilled on my hips as he held them tightly, halting my movements to pull back from my neck and look at me with those big brown eyes. "Talk to me, babygirl."

"I can't feel... this." I sighed, brushing my hair over my shoulder to cover my chest as I was flooded with self-conscious thoughts. "I just -- I don't feel anything."

He caught my chin between his index finger and thumb, tugging up to keep my gaze locked with his. "Alright, that's fine, baby. Do you want to stop?" He offered me a genuine way out, but I shook my head. I didn't want to stop now that we'd come so far.

"I don't want to stop until I feel something."

"Mm, well if I remember right, you definitely felt my tongue last time. How about letting me taste you, babygirl?" I sputtered at how forward he was about it and could practically feel the red in my cheeks and ears.

"Okay," I agreed and melted against him, moving to shuffle off of him when his hands blocked me from doing so. I raised a questioning brow at him as he grinned the most bashful smile I'd ever seen on him.

"I want to do it a little differently this time. I want you to sit on my face," he breathed out almost too quick and quiet for me to understand. He laid back on the bed with me still seated on top of him and it took me a moment to process what he meant by that. My eyes widened as he gestured for me to move up closer to him, closer to his head. I choked down the hesitation and crawled up his body until I was sitting on his chest. While looking down at him, I realized I was still wearing my shorts.

"Joonie, what about my--" I began to ask before he cut me off by yanking me forward until I hovered right above his head. From there, I could see his eyes but not much below it. He stared up at me with warmth, eyes glistening with want as his breath heated the crotch of my clothes.

He hummed underneath me, turning his head to press fluttery kisses to the inside of my bare thighs. He smoothed his hands over my hips and down my legs, massaging circles into my flesh to relax my tightened legs. I took the opportunity to let my head fall back and eyes close, remembering the first time I felt his tongue on me.

I recalled the softness of his touch, the gentleness his fingers possessed as he skimmed over my sensitive thighs and core. I thought back to the way he held my hand in his and let them rest on my stomach to remind me that he was there. Just... slightly further down. Right on cue, his hand found mine and intertwined our fingers together.

He gave my hand a reassuring squeeze and my heart dropped as the cold air hit my most sensitive parts. I looked down to see him peeling the material to the side to reveal my quivering pussy. He wasted no time in dipping his slick tongue in to lick a bold stripe between my lower lips. It pulled a soft moan from my throat and curled my toes with a jolt of pleasure. His warm touch fluttered across my skin while leaving a wet trail around my clit, purposefully avoiding it as he teased me. I could only take so much before my hips began rocking on their own accord, brushing the little nub of sensitivity against his nose as he stuck his tongue in me.

With wide eyes, I looked down at him and my heart almost skipped a beat when I noticed him staring up at me. There was a playfulness sparkling in his eyes, a heated look that only added to the sensations of his tongue. I scrunched my face up a bit as my ears flushed pink with embarrassment.

Slowly, he pulled his tongue out of me only to push it in again with greater force. My body reacted immediately, my chest pushing itself out as I let my head loll back. His nose brushed up against my throbbing clit and I almost whined when he barely showed it any attention.

"Joonie, stop teasing me," I pouted. My throat was dry and hoarse but I pushed past the uncomfortable rub.

"Sorry. I was committing those beautiful sounds of yours to memory." He grinned and carried on his onslaught of teasing. Right when I was about to take things into my own hands, his lips attached to the little bundle of nerves, lapping over it with his tongue as he pushed a finger to my clenching hole. My breath caught in my throat as he felt my stomach tense. He felt me pause and held my hand tighter, turning his head to press some soft kisses to the inside of my thighs before landing on my clit with a groan of his own.

I raised my hips some to accommodate his hand, giving him enough space to run a finger through the slick between my legs and push it into me until I hit the first knuckle. Taking so little still felt like so much, the newfound pressure inside me feeling foreign and unwanted in some way that I shoved back deep down.

I wanted it -- I wanted him. My heart burned with need but my body wouldn't dare lower onto his finger despite how much I yearned for it.

"I-I need a moment."

As soon as those words tumbled from my lips, all hold he had on me dropped and he let me roll over onto the bed beside him. I covered my face with my arms as a wave of darkness washed over me and crept into my thoughts.

I was right there with him again.

Those eyes that led me into his arms only for him to betray me. Those hands that comforted me only so he could mark me as his and that pressure between my legs sealed the deal.

You're not here. You're not here... I repeated to myself, attempting to break myself out of my own thoughts. It wasn't him. I wasn't there with him. I was there with Namjoon, the man I loved and the man who loved me. The one who proved time and time again that I was the center of his world and his light.

As if reading my mind, long arms wrapped themselves snug around my body and surrounded me with their comforting warmth as he whispered something into my ear. I couldn't hear what he was saying at first, only recognizing the soft tone he used. I honed in on that, on him, wanting nothing more than to come back to him.

"It's alright, baby. I've got you. You're safe. I'll protect you," he repeated over and over again until the high-pitched buzzing dissipated from my ears.

I choked out a sob as I searched for his face in the darkness, cupping it between both hands to set my lips with his. The hint of my wetness on his lips didn't seem to bother either one of us, only proving to support my mental mantra. I wasn't there with him.

"I know. You've got me," I mumbled against his lips before an onslaught of love and adoration for my boyfriend filled me to the brim. I molded my mouth to his, devouring the soft hums and grumbles he gave me as I hoisted my leg up and over his, pulling him even closer to me.

His hands wandered back down to my core, leaving quick little touches around my thighs as he trailed closer. Finally, his large fingers cupped my heat and I rolled my hips into them, suddenly needing much more than that.

He prodded me with his finger to gauge my reaction, dragging his finger through the slick remaining from his tongue. When he was met with an unrestrained moan, he gently pressed into me. The unsettling lack of comfort was the same as the first time, until he pushed in enough to brush past a spot I'd almost forgotten was there. His touch forced a sound out of me that I hardly recognized, somewhere between a cry and a moan. Regardless, it urged him on, spurring him to retract his finger and push it right back in to find that spot once more.

I pushed my chest into his, feeding off the energy his tongue across my bottom lip gave. I bucked my hips against his hand enough to signal that I was okay now before nibbling on his lip. I inhaled sharply when a second finger joined his first. It was an understatement to say it was a tight fit since it'd been a long time since I'd had anything inside me. Oddly enough, nothing felt bad about the stretch I felt, instead the slow burn of his touch grew on me and left me wanting more. He thrusted his fingers into me, pushing them deep inside to skim across my g-spot each time until I involuntarily clenched around him.

We pulled out lips apart for a moment to catch our breaths but his motions against me continues, our bodies rocking together as he worked me open. Our foreheads bumped against each other, labored breaths mingling between out lips as they brushed together. The simplicity of such a intimate position made my heart pound violently behind my ribs as a tight ball welled up inside my lower half.

Joon must've felt me clench around his fingers because he pulled back a moment to look at the nervous smile I wore.

"Can I make you cum like this?"He asked, slowing his movements down a bit to prologue the pending orgasms that was gathering strength inside me.

"What about you?" I bounced the question back to him, running my fingertips along the smooth flesh of his jaw before settling on his chest to distract myself from the gently onslaught of pleasure his fingers kept delivering.

"If you're comfortable with more, then we don't have to stop after this. I'm happy with either outcome," he beamed, pressing a quick peck to the tip of my chilly nose.

I nodded. "I-I want you to make me cum like this, then. Please." The last word came out more like a whine as he took no time to adjust his rhythm and speed to his new objective.

The feeling of his fingers inside of me was overwhelming, the euphoric pump of ecstasy spreading from his fingers through my body. It flowed through my veins, reaching my arms and legs and making them tighten uncontrollably. My eyes glazed over and my toes curled as the wave of pleasure washed over me.

I gripped tightly onto Joon’s shoulder, pressing my head back against his as the feeling crashed over me. I shut my eyes and tried to breath through the tremendous amount of pressure flowing through me but instead held my breath without a second thought. A ringing filled my ears and I'm sure dark spots would've danced across my vision if I'd kept my eyes open.

I hardly noticed how much my body tensed in his arms. It wasn't until a feeling of relaxation and bliss took me over that I realized I'd trapped his hand between my legs. I quickly released his hand and buried my face into his body with heated cheeks.

"What are you hiding for?" He chuckled, the vibrations moving through his neck and chest to tickle at my face.

"Mm. I can't believe I did that."

I could hear the smile in his voice as he responded with, "I can I always believe in you."

I laughed at his sappiness, ignoring the way it made my heart race and brought fresh tears to my eyes. I brushed my nose along his neck, pressing little kisses to his flushed skin while I reached for the little foil packet I placed under the pillow earlier.

Once it was within my reach, I waved it in front of us both, keeping my face buried in him for the time being. My cheeks couldn't get any hotter but I didn't think I could handle the heat of his knowing gaze on me.

He gingerly took it from my hand before rubbing soft shaped into my back, coaxing me to come out of hiding. I poked my head out to meet his soft eyes, nuzzling into his knuckles as he skimmed them across my face.

"Are you sure?" He asked once more although we both knew my answer.

I rubbed my thighs together to relieve some of the aching left in the wake of my climax. I surprised myself, feeling the same bubble of pressure grow in me, only it felt like it needed to be popped. It was slightly uncomfortable to have slick coating the inside of my legs, soaking my probably ruined panties and shorts. I found it funny that I out of all people would walk away from Valentine's Day with my first ruined set of underwear. Sort of made me feel victorious in a way. Without bothering to say anything, I slipped off the soaking material, hopefully tossing it somewhere close to the hamper. When I laid back down and coated my naked legs with my own wetness, Joon's eyes snapped down and lock to the movement. I swore he moaned out when he saw me working myself up, almost clumsily pushing down his old sweat and underwear to leave himself bare for me.

He worked  the condom open and pulled it out, tossing the foil to the side. He didn't seem to care whether it landed on the bed or the floor as he kept his sight on my legs. The image was enough to make him grow even harder than he was before.

"Ugh, fuck," he mumbled under his breath as he rolled the condom on. "I forgot how much I hated these things." I couldn't take my eyes off of him, even after he rubbed the cheap condom lube of his hand and wrapped his arms around me again.

I wanted to get used to him, get to know his body and how all the different parts felt against mine. But later. Even as we tackled so much together, I didn't think I had it in me to do those things yet. Yet.

"I want you to sit on me, baby. Can you do that for me? I want to feel you," he whispered in my ear and guided my leg up and over his waist until I straddled over him. Being on top once again made me think back to sitting on his face and how good he felt underneath me.

I sat up and adjusted my position until my soaked core brushed along the underside of his covered cock. The lube on the condom smelled awful and synthetic, making me wrinkled my nose in disgust before a simple peck smoothed it away.

"Here. Hold up." He pushed us up with his hips and legs, moving us back toward the headboard so he could lean up against it. He bent his legs behind me, almost cradling me with his body as we sat there chest to chest, brushing our noses together. He wrapped his arms tightly around my waist in a comforting, protective hold, nudging my head back to press his lips onto mine.

I sighed into the kiss, weaving my fingers in his soft locks as I rolled my hips along his hard shaft, consuming the little groan he let out. I pushed myself up from my knees for a moment and Joon took the hint, lowering a hand to pump his cock a few times before rubbing the top against me as a warning. His lips traveled down my jaw before he settled in the crook of my neck, heating it with his warm air and wet kisses.

"Please, Joon," I swallowed and released his hair from my grip, too afraid to hurt him if I got scared. I settled on loosely tangling my arms around his neck and pushing my head to his as I slowly lowered myself down onto him.

The intrusion felt something between uncomfortable stiffness and a sort of completed feeling. I'd only gotten about an inch of him in when I stopped, processing the delicious stretch of his cock when I almost thanked him aloud for prepping me beforehand.

Not that I thought much about it since I never had a need to, but he was  decent size. I wasn't the best person in describing the perfect male specimen but the way he filled me up didn't need any explaining. He left me huffing for more, almost overwhelming me with the first half. We both let out strings of moans as we gripped onto each other for support.

"Mm, Joonie," I whimpered when he met my hips halfway, thrusting up into me with such restraint that it made my eyes roll back. Goosebumps raised the hair on my skin as he filled me to the brim.

I ignored the emotional side of me that wanted to flare up. I wanted to cry in happiness but I pushed it aside. We struggled for so long with me feeling broken and hating myself because of it, so i was going to enjoy the one moment of pure intimacy I had with him.

Neither of us moving drove me crazy, to the point where I lifted myself and rolled my hips back down onto him fully that time. My head fell back as I repeated the movements, grinding myself against him relentlessly.

"O-oh my god," he grunted, fingertips pressing into my hips with enough pressure to leave marks if he wanted to, but I paid no attention to it as a million others floated through my mind. My mind was so flooded that I couldn't differentiate one thought from another.

It didn't take long for my body to adapt to the sweet burn as stretching turned into something way more angelic. We rocked against one another, with me grinding down onto him as he met my thrusts with his own, pulling noises out of us both that I'd never heard before. I drank in those melodic tones coming from the alluring deep voice I adored so much and watched as the throbbing pulse of his heart made the vein in his neck more prominent. Neither of us held back sounds, instead relishing in the way our hips smacked, or the way we breathed -- even the way the headboard banged against the wall behind it.

Namjoon guided the rhythm of my hips with his grip on my waist, his forehead covered with a thin sheen of sweat that made the little hairs that framed his face stick to him as he worked himself closer to orgasm.

My legs grew tired but I still clung onto him with everything I had, everything I felt. Even when didn't lower myself as far as before, he pushed up into me over and over to make sure to hit my g-spit and make me see stars. my legs tensed outside his hips, pressing up against him as my breath became shallow and my body tensed.

"B-baby, I'm close," I panted. I tried to hold back my orgasm for him to get closer to his, but with one powerful stroke into me, the world came shattering down. I wound tightly around him, burying my face into the side of his head to breath in the faint scent of my rose shampoo. I smiled brightly, despite my twitching core and fatigued thighs,  and stroked my fingers through his hair as his length turned soft inside me.

We stayed in that position for what felt like hours. There were a few minutes that I wanted to interrupt the silence to say something but I didn't feel the need to break such a peaceful moment so soon.

Joonie rubbed at my back and held me to him as his breath finally regained its normal pattern. The thrumming of his heart under my chest could've put me to sleep right then and there, even if it was beating as fast as mine was. 

“I love you so much,” he told me with such love and adoration in his voice that for the millionth time that night, I thought I was going to cry.

It was the perfect time to get things off my chest, to tell him how I felt and why I felt that way. How I was proud of him and loved him as much as any living thing could love something.

“You know,” I began before my mouth dried out some. I cleared my throat and tried to continue, “My therapist said something a couple of weeks ago and since she did, I feel… different.” I was the first to move, pulling my head back despite my aching muscles and locked my eyes with his to watch him process everything. He nodded at me with a supportive smile.

“She told me that I wasn’t broken. She said that I’m going through something that a lot of other people -- survivors -- experience. I remember I asked her how they got through it, how they continued to live their lives and even start dating again. You know what she told me? She said that the first thing they did was connect their mind and body back into one, that I needed to be present. Second, I needed a supportive person in my life that would make me feel comfortable, safe, and protected. She told me that a lot of people after having those two things end up trying things out with their partner and it comes naturally. My goal was to feel comfortable and safe and protected enough to be free and let myself go. I trust you more than anything in the world and I love you far more than anyone can love another person. which is why I wanted to show you that you’re the only person capable of healing me.”

A fat tear rolled down my cheek and I moved to catch it, only I was slower than Namjoon. His hands wiped it away and framed my face in his palms. I didn’t miss the way his eyes glittered with unshed tears as he leaned forward and eskimo kissed me before we both let out our own happy giggles.

“This is officially the best Valentine's Day ever. Just don't forget that I love you more.” Joon leaned forward and  grabbed the duvet from behind me, pulling it over the both of us as we sat there together still.

“No. I love you most. Happy Valentine’s Day, love.”

A/N: Thank you so much for reading! Feel free to let me know what you thought in the comments or just pm me if you want to privately talk. I used a different editing method this time so I hope it turned out okay~

[mostlysignssomeportents]

#11yrsago How Children Learn: classic of human, kid-centered learning

Earlier this year, a reader sent me copies of John Holt's classic books on children's education, How Children Learn and How Children Fail and tonight, I finished the first of them (and will be reading the other next). It was one of the most profoundly moving books I've ever read, the truest account of how I remember my best learning experiences as a child and an adult.

Holt was a dedicated teacher and a very, very keen observer of children from babyhood up. Most of How Children Learn takes the form of notes from his diaries, his later reflections on his failures and successes, and letters and feedback from other parents and educators.

Holt's basic thesis is that kids want to learn, are natural learners, and will learn more if we recognize that and let them explore their worlds, acting as respectful co-learners instead of bosses. Practically speaking, that means letting them play and playing with them, but resisting the temptation to quiz them on their knowledge or to patronize them. Most resonant for me was his description of kids' learning unfolding from the natural passionate obsessions that overtake them -- it made me remember my best learning moments, like the time when I was 7 and my teacher Bev Pannikar found me reading Alice in Wonderland to myself in a corner of her classroom, and she just let me be, as I branched out from there to book after book, hiding out and falling in lifelong love with reading. Or the time that Brian Kerr found me afire with a passion for math and just let me go at it, working through workbook after workbook to the detriment of my other studies -- I think I was ten. There were other incidents like this, reflecting that passionate, engaged process that unfolds when kids are allowed to work at their own pace (I was lucky to go to a publicly funded alternative elementary school where kids of all ages shared a class and were given a lot of freedom to learn in their own way, with an emphasis on mentoring).

As I worked my way through the book, I found myself scowling, nodding, smiling, even laughing aloud at the wonderful inventiveness of the kids in Holt's life, including supposedly incorrigible or dumb kids -- kids who learned so much on their own, taking the grownups along for the ride, but firmly steering the course of their learning from the earliest ages. I was struck by three passages in particular (reproduced below). I think I'll stick them on the fridge to remind me of how to be a great dad and a great partner in adventure.

The only good reason for playing games with babies is because we love them, and delight in playing these games with them and sharing in their delight with them -- not because we want someday to get them into college. It is our delight in the baby and the games that makes the game fun, and worthwhile and useful for the baby. Take away the delight, and put in its place some cold-hearted calculation about future IQ and SAT scores and we kill the game, for ourselves and the baby. If we go on for long in this spirit the babies will soon refuse to play -- or if they do, play only in the spirit of school, i.e., because they think we'll be disappointed or angry if they don't...

The child is curious. He wants to make sense out of things, find out how things work, gain competence and control over himself and his environment, do what he can see other people doing. He is open, receptive and perceptive. He does not shut himself off from the strange, confused, complicated world around him. He observes it closely and sharply, tries to take it all in. He doesn not merely observe the world around him, but tastes it, touches it, hefts it, bends it, breaks it. To find out how reality works, he works on it. He is bold. He is not afraid of making mistakes. And he is patient. He can tolerate an extraordinary amount of uncertainty, confusion, ignorance, and suspense. He does not have to have instant meaning in any new situation. He is willing and able for meaning to come to him -- even if it comes very slowly, which it usually does...

This did not change, as I hoped it might, the way that schools deal with children. I said, trust them to learn. The schools would not trust them, and even if they had wanted to, the great majority of the public would not have let them. Their reasons boil down to these: 1) Children are no good; they won't learn unless we make them. 2) The world is no good; children must be broken to it. 3) I had to put up with it, why shouldn't they? To people who think this way, I don't know what to say. Telling them about the real learning of real children only makes them cling to their theories about the badness and stupidity of children more stubbornly and angrily than ever. Why do they do this? Because it gives them a license to act like tyrants and feel like saints. "Do what I tell you!" roars the tyrant. "It's for your own good, and someday you'll be grateful," says the saint. Few people, feeling themselves powerless in a world turned upside down, can or even wish to resist the temptation to play this benevolent despot.

How Children Learn

https://boingboing.n

et/2008/09/23/how-children-learn-c.html

[sassycloudmoneyflap]

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Oct. 07, 2017 04:56AM EST

10+ Habits of Toxic Parents and How They Ruin Children Without Realizing It

When you have a child, your entire life changes. Suddenly, everything is for the baby. Every parent wants to be able to do right by their kids.

But there are many things that stand between you and being not a good parent, but the kind of parent your child needs.

That's the right way to look at it, in my opinion. Good and bad are relative. But all kids need approximately the same thing in order to grow into happy, healthy, successful human beings.

Parents neglect to give their kids what they need for a lot of reasons. I've seen parents read so many parenting books that they end up not knowing which way is the right way.

I've also seen parents who just don't care, letting their kids do whatever they feel like, or even worse, neglecting and abusing them.

One thing is for sure, there are a number of truly toxic behaviors that imprint on our kids and deeply, profoundly impact their life growing up.

These are habits and actions that you should be avoiding at all costs. Some are physical, some psychological, and some are social.

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If you know someone who's recently become a parent or is about to be, be sure to share this article with them to help them be the best parents they can be.

1. Not Respecting Boundaries

It's important for parents to think about the boundaries they've set for their children.

When I was young, my parents established some very important boundaries.

Stay out of the parents bedroom. Stay out of mom's office. Stay out of dad's man cave.

There were good reasons for those rules! You're adults, you own things like porno mags and marital aids. You don't want kids getting into that!

But kids also have things they don't want you to get into too. You can't expect kids to feel like respected individuals if you also don't honor their personal space and their boundaries too.

When your kids get older into their teen years, you should not be snooping.

They don't go through your underwear drawer, you shouldn't go through theirs either.

They're old enough that simply talking to them about worries you might have are good enough. Use your words. Don't be intrusive.

2. Failing To Provide Affirmation and Security

A lot of parents, stereotypical macho dad types especially, think that punishment is king.

It takes tough love to shape and sculpt especially young boys into strong, capable young men.

But tough love isn't how you make sure your kids can take care of themselves. Teaching them to take care of themselves is how you teach them to take care of themselves.

Simple, right? By punishing your children over every little thing, you cripple their ability to be strong in the face of life's challenges, because any sign of failure will be met with swift...something.

Not punishment, but...something. Disappointment. Frustration. Anger. Withholding.

We should be teaching our kids about the world as an adult.

When you're an adult and you fail at something, you don't have some authority figure that takes away your gameboy until you do better.

You try harder to do better, and that comes from within.

3. Being Overly Critical

We all have dreams and goals that we don't achieve.

Maybe you wanted to be a football star but you tore your ACL in high school and all that went out the window.

Maybe you were almost the math league champ but didn't quite make it. One thing is for sure: you should not be projecting your failures onto your children.

You can't force your kids to be something that you wish you were. When you do that, you crush their self esteem.

When you project what you want for your kids onto them without letting them choose, and when you level unrealistic expectations, you don't make them better or stronger.

You make them weaker and less likely to be empowered with the tools to take on the challenges of their adult lives.

4. Not Following Through

Parents want to be their kids' best friends. But that's not what kids want.

You don't want to unintentionally raise a terrible adult, and one of the ways you avoid that is by setting rules and actually following through with them.

If you're a new parent, it's good to experiment a little; to see what works and what doesn't.

But at some point you have to see what guidelines and rules work and actually follow through on them. I get it. No parent wants to punish their kids.

No parent wants to tell their kids what's what and see those tears well up. But you need to be able to not manipulate but adjust the mindset of your kids through these guidelines.

You don't want to crush bad habits but develop and incentivize good habits.

5. Not Offering Space

As your kids get older, they need more space from you. This is an important part of growing up.

At some point, you have to stop telling them what to do and you have to stop doing important things for them.

You can't do their homework. You can't write their college entrance essay.

At some point, you need to look at your kids and say, "figure it out. I'll help if you need me too." But even then, make sure that you're not doing anything of the figuring out for them.

Be ready to let your "baby" go when they know they need to figure things out on their own.

Parents who deeply love their kids find it hard to let go the part of their life where mommy and daddy are crucial for every little thing.

But to impose yourself long after that kind of parenting is needed is wrong.

6. Serving Your Kids

You should have a strong sense by now that the right form of parenting is somewhere in the middle of both extremes.

You don't want to throw your kids to the wolves but you also don't want to serve them. When your kids are old enough to learn to cook, teach them to cook.

When your kids are old enough to do laundry, have them do laundry. When your kids are old enough to drive, for God's sake, teach them to drive.

It is important that you don't pamper and serve your kids forever. They need to learn vital skills to maintain themselves as adults.

One of the things I find myself bemoaning the most is how much skill has been lost between my grandparents and me.

There are a lot of skills they had that I just didn't have instilled in me. It's important to give your kids the knowledge that you were given, and pampering them won't teach them anything good.

7. Threatening and Intimidating Your Kids

It's frustrating dealing with the little things with your kids.

They often become afraid and unsure at things that are simple and second nature for you.

They don't always succeed at self control which can be endlessly difficult for a parent simple trying to parent the right way. But what you absolutely can't do is level threats.

"If you don't _____ then _____." "If you ever ____, this is what's going to happen to you."

Under this kind of authority, you've completely destroyed your child's confidence in you.

They won't feel like they can come to you for help because a threat has been leveled.

How can you really talk to a person candidly and honestly about something you're going through if you feel like the result is going to be a punishment of some kind?

8. Helicoptering

The millennial generation will tell horror stories of helicopter parenting.

Check out any reddit thread about helicopter parents and you'll see the carnage they leave behind in the form of adults who don't know up from down and left from right.

When you have a baby, you have to do everything for it. You have to do everything in your power to care for it and make sure it survives.

But you have to let some of that go as time goes by.

You have to honor their mistakes and appreciate their successes and let them grow into independent people.

If you don't, you've raised an adult who doesn't have the skills necessary to succeed on their own.

9. Not Listening

I'll let you in on a secret: kids aren't stupid.

They can read sarcasm and tell when you're condescending and not listening to them because you think they're just some dumb kid.

Parents: you need to listen to your kids. It's hard to find value in the babble they sometimes send off into the world through their faces but it doesn't matter.

When you listen to your kids, and I mean really listen, it tells them that they're unique individuals who have something to offer this world that we're living in.

True, a 4 year old probably won't ever have something particularly compelling to say to you, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't show them that what they say is important, because it actually is.

Stuff that seems mundane to you might be absolutely mind blowing to them.

If a child tells you that she saw a brown dog that day, hear what they're saying. That may be a first for them.

They want to talk about the incredible experiences they have the same way you do. Listen to your kids.

10. Being A Lazy Parent

For some parents, kids come into the picture and it's so overwhelming that they just kind of hit cruise control and zone out.

Lots of frozen TV dinners and movies in the car.

It's easy to park a kid in front of the TV for 6 hours and then just sit around and be lazy, but being a parent takes work.

It's the hardest job you can possible have. But you have to actually teach your children things. You have to spend time with them, cook with them, and instill all these healthy habits.

It's hard to get your kid to eat well, but you have to. It's hard to get your kid to brush their teeth and floss, but you have to.

It's hard to teach your kid to manage their own homework, to drive a car, to get a job, but all of these things are so fundamentally important that skipping just one can cripple your child for life.

Don't be a lazy parent.

11. Being Friends With Your Child

Not long ago, I was reading about how many kids entering college, when asked about their relationship with their parents, they said their parents were their "best friends."

This is not the kind of relationship that any child should have with their parents until much, much later in life.

A 17-19 year old fledgling of the house should not see their parents as friends but as parents.

You are your child's world to give them guidance, structure, and rules. When our kids, in their volatile teen years, lash out at you for your rigidity, it is not a sign to let up.

It's also not a sign to clamp down. It is a sign you're doing the right thing. You're teaching them, and sometimes these lessons are hard to learn. Your kids should not view you as a friend, but as a parent.

Are you still searching for your life purpose? You won't believe what the science of Numerology can reveal about you!

That's right, the numerology of your birth date, regardless of what month you were born, can reveal surprising information about your personality.

Unlock the messages hidden in your Personality Code now with your free personalized video report!

Click HERE to learn what Numerology says about your life using only your Name and Birth Date.

If you found this article interesting or entertaining, please remember to SHARE the content with your family and friends on Facebook!

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[justanotherstudyblrrrr]

Agenda.

First Term Exams:

[30/09] Chemistry:

— Thoughts: As a fist impression, I must say I'm very happy with myself. I did great, and even if I may have made a couple mistakes, I think I know what they are, so I can work on them for next time!

— Result: 6'5/10 → Extremely improvable.

Aka massive disappointment. I mean, sure, it was all small details, but that makes me even angrier. What dumb head makes so many mistakes? Really? This only means my studying method wasn't as good as expected, so I'll have to change it, because I know as a fact that I can do better.

[09/10] Spanish History:

— Thoughts: Well, not the absolute mayhem I was expecting. True, I didn't have enough time to finish. True, I left one question unanswered, and one halfway through. But it's also true that the questions I answered are, most likely, close to perfection, and I am widely proud of that.

— Result: 6'6/10 → Not depressing.

Let's be honest, history has NEVER and never WILL BE my thing. Names, dates, places, chronological order... Nope. So for someone who has always struggled, this is actually not that bad, trust me. Specially because the actual grade is a 7'1, but it got lowered bc of a couple spelling mistakes so... Not bad?

[14/10] English Grammar:

— Thoughts: Honestly? It was english. Perhaps I say it was easy as hell and turns out an utter chaos, or maybe I say I knida messed up, and then nail it. There is no in-between. Welcome to Crippling Self-doubt Town, sweethearts.

— Result: 53/54 (9'8/10) → Are. You. Kidding?

Just. One. Mistake. It could have been perfect! I will make sure NOTHING ruins that perfect score next time.

[21/10] Chemistry:

— Thoughts: Well, I could have jumped out of a window and it would have been a million times more useful! At least it would've ended my suffering... Jk, jk, well, not really. It was so terribly bad I'll be lucky if I pass, honestly. I hate when a nervous crisis decides to ruin your concentration and question what the hell you are doing with your life.

— Result: 7'05/10 → Improvable.

Ok, so it wasn't the absolute hell I expected, but there is way to much room for improvement. All I know is I need AT LEAST a 7'45 on the next exam in order to get a 7 on this term's final mark.

[29/10] Biology:

— Thoughts: Even though I answered all of the questions, I'm aware that was an utter chaos, meaning this is the only slip I could afford, the quote is covered.

[04/11] Physics:

[05/11] Maths:

[11/11] English Book Analysis:

[11/11] Psychology Exposition:

[12/11] Psychology:

[18/11] English Grammar:

[literally-lydia]

"Hate to see your heart break."

“Then you might want to look away for a while,” Lydia mumbled, trying not to cry. She kept telling herself that to weep would be a waste of her favorite mascara; that letting it all out was much more than a dumb way to pass the time. It was all so mind-numbingly maddening. How could she keep letting her heart be swayed, swept, and broken by men who would only lead her into the cold, loveless embrace of a new outfit and an iced chai latte. It would blow her mind if she hadn’t gotten so used to it. 

SO, how about a quick review for the folks at home? She dated a boy– he dumped her over text and (after putting her through mental torture and asking her if she still loved him) left for London, then she needed a distraction. That distraction was morally grey and… dead now. But before that, she was tricked into kissing Peter Hale. An actual sleaze ball of a man who didn’t deserve the position he was in. So, why was she even trying anymore?

Then came her conflicted feelings for Allison, but what did those matter anymore. Anybody Lydia loved just seemed to vanish one way or another. So, why did she keep letting people in? She always put up this wall, but it wasn’t as sturdy as she liked to pretend it was. She kept leaving an opening to let people slip through without her even realizing it. She wanted a good friend, but she kept looking for love. Mistaking loneliness for a need for affection; thinking she needed a lover when all she needed was companionship. She used to have everything she wanted- before everything kept crashing, but she wasn’t that girl anymore. She was far from it. Sure, she still knew how to dress and had more venom than a god damned snake, but she couldn’t afford to play the dumb girl anymore. 

Now she knew death like a close relative. Now she knew pain like it had been her maid of honor. Now she knew loss like a next door neighbor and she was exhausted. She was so tired of being tossed around by fate and the supernatural like a Raggedy Anne doll. She just wanted to feel seen, but she was tired of people looking at her the way they had started to. Or the way she felt they did.

“I’m just tired of feeling like this, Stiles.”

She folded her arms, a weak-willed attempt at feeling attached to anything. She hated feeling like this. Small. She wasn’t small. She was 5′2″ and not once in her life had she been small, but after so much loss? She felt microscopic.

“I’m tired of being scared every time I feel okay because I know it’s only going to last for so long before someone gets hurt again- and I don’t know if it’s pessimism or a banshee’s intuition, but I’m… anxious.” She sighed, looking away to try to center herself. “And I, I don’t know how to stop myself from thinking about it all. Usually I can just move forward, but I can’t keep going through things counting down the days until the next time someone gets hurt.”

They’d been doing this for years. She knew how things worked, she wasn’t an idiot, but she couldn’t accept every part of what they’d gone through. Not silently.

“Sometimes my mom asks me where I’m going and I make some elaborate lie about a party or a date and I just… think about a time when those weren’t lies. I like thinking about it for a bit- it reminds me that we’re all still kids. I think about a time when I could have looked at Erica’s unbrushed hair in math class or seen little asthmatic Scott McCall exchange confused looks and laughs with you on the bench- now I see him, red eyed and worn out. He’s optimistic, but he’s seen so much pain, so much death- we all have.”

She unfolded her arms to place a piece of hair behind her ear; a nervous tick she picked up from Allison. It was the little things that kept her alive for Lydia. That and her voicemail, for as long as she could keep it.

“I hate getting emotional like that, but-” her voice broke and she cleared her throat; brows furrowing at the idea that she was being so… small in front of him. He had dealt with way worse than the hand she’d been dealt. She’d seen death, but his body had been used to cause some of it. Who was she to play pity party in his house? “But never mind, I’m… sorry.”

She needed to suck things up and work on their project. It was wild enough to imagine a teacher allowing anyone in the pack to work together, but somehow (by some inherent lack of judgement) Stiles and Lydia had been assigned to work together. They had a lot to research and not much time to do it. She had no need to think about her newest disappointment- a boy from her class that she’d rather leave nameless. She’d also rather not think about the growing length of contacts in her phone that were unreachable. One of these days, it could be her body that the Sheriff would be discovering.

“Anyways, mind if I use your computer? My phone’s gonna die.” She looked over the stack of books they’d found in the library and nearly winced. “And I think I’d rather shave my dog than read any of those, so I’ll leave that up to you.”

One shimmering silver lining in her world of grey was her friends; she would have never known Stiles outside of her occasional remark if Scott was never bit. She wouldn’t have known most of her friends- apart from Allison and… maybe Kira. Kira had a real spark to her- and that wasn’t from being a lightning kitsune. 

But Scott and Stiles had become important to her- very important. So, among the tragedies, she could count a few blessings. Didn’t help her nerves any. One day, she feared, her scream would be tied to one of those two familiar faces… and she’d break. 

“…I’ve made this about me.” She stated it more as a fact than an apology, “How are you, Stiles? How are you really?”

[chickenstuffedwithmozzarella]

Yaaay!! Thank you Soraya's inbox, sorry i blamed you on eating the last ask😂😘. You did great. Nono, he wasnt a torero, he looked like a prince. (Which is not better bcs i dont like any of those  figures but... whatever). Ooh, talking about suits, did you see the ranking hsfashionarchive did of the suits he wore this tour? Bcn was winning, pink suit was second and Mdd was third!! (1)

[I hope this works 😜🙏🏻, bc this was TOO long, jajajaa.]

Ohhh. Your mom is the best. So supportive! Petition to give her that award. She is clearly the winner. (1D clinex? capitalism in its pure state 😂. Did they really made those? Glad i didnt find it on time bcs i would have definitely brought them as a joke to my sister or something). You are already playing Niall’s songs to her? Did she like them? Does she have anything similar to “pikachu get away” she had for SOTT?. (2)

JAJAJAJJA. Netflix always does that to me too. Dont know why. I started watching Black mirror backwards bcs of that. Did you understand anything of chapter 7 os ST? (Did you finish the show??). Yep. The 8th season is the last one, and i dont know hoe to feel about it. Dissapointed by the shows? As in with the ending?? Or how? (3)

You sound like a devoted cat lady, yes. Ooow, i have little cousins too, though they are reaching the age of “too cool to be seen with you, old girl” Of course they make me laugh. Honey is a menace and i appreciate it. JAJAJAJAJAJAJA. He ate the chorizo?? Honeeey!! 😂😂😂 that made me laugh at loud int the train and now my neighbour is looking at me weirdly. I see, you’ll never get bored with him. (4)

When i was younger and + close minded, i didnt like tattos. Considere also that the ones I had saw in real life were the tribal ones, so there’s tgat. But then i grew up and started liking them (you can partially blame larry for that). Nobody in my family (cousins and so) has one, and thats kind of a encouragement, I’d love to piss them, but my dad has threaten me to disinherit me (we dont heven have that, lol) and i dont have any tatto on mind, so i wont do it… maybe in the future, yes. (5)

I MISS LOUIS TOO! I hope he is fine. Resting and so. Im sure that creating the album that will destroy us all takes a lot of effort. (Seriously, where is heeeee?). Heeey!! I wont get bored. Or mad! I have such a great time talking to you. If i dont talk more its bcs of the character limit and bcs im always worried about pressuring or imposing. Dont be dumb. If i dont answer its bcs im busy with finals and so. Nothing more. Promise. (6)

THANK YOU FOR UNDERSTANDING. i know i know. It makes sense and its a smart move, but… i cant stand raeggeton/latino, its not for me. Sad. I havent lost hope though. Maybe ill change my mind later Yeah, i have the same problem with my friends, they only listen to trap and raeggeton and i die everytime. We mostly agree to put something neutral like pop or the radio. (Disney songs never get old😂). (7)

Ay. I just saw that i wrote “heven” instead of “even” and now i want to delete myself. I was walking while writing the asks and i didnt proofread it. I feel so dumb. Anyway, sorry for sending so many asks (today i made a record xd) and, as always, good night!!————————————————————————-Hi!!!! Yes! I saw the ranking. But it isn’t exactly a ranking. It’s more to like chose wants your favorite suit. I did it and guess what? My first choice in the Madrid one, jajajaa. Second the kilt. And third the jumpsuit. Very accurate.

Oh, you’re telling me! My family bought me a bunch of 1D merch (unofficial all): the clinex, a hair brush, a bracelet, 2 books!, one perfume (this I love it, it smells so good), a make up box… I can’t even remember everything. Ah! A birthday card too!! Where they talk when you open it. I always use to wish happy birthday to people (the audio) 🤣🤣🤣🤣. I had to tell them to please stop wasting money on those things. I don’t even know where I have it. And if a can ask, I’d rather they give me the money so I can go to their concerts,jajajaja.EDIT: I can’t believe I forgot the poster!! I have it beside my head right now,jajaja, and I only realized it was there when I looked at the boys to ask for inspiration,😅😅)

Oh, my mom loves Niall’s album too. But I don’t think she “knows” any of the lyrics,jajaja. Though, she knows the hmmmm in This Town. But that’s all. She and my sister, both separately were like: “oh! who’s him??” When they heard Fire Away. And I was like: “ehhhhh, it’s Niall’s album, so guess who’s it?? What, you like it? See, Harry’s not the only one who can sing…” jajajajja. It’s because of comments like this, that they think I don’t like Harry. And I get so offended when they hint at it! Like, of course I like Harry. But I like all of them too!! God!! I love Niall’s album so much (I’m hearing it right now, bc I couldn’t remember what song was the one they liked it so much, and now I can’t stop 😅). Harry’s and Niall’s albums have been lining in my car since they were released. I had Harry’s playing in a loop till I got Niall’s one and I interchanged them. Then Harry’s came back a month or so before his concert. And now it’s time for Niall’s again. (You can’t imagine how hard it’s being writing this with honey laying on my arm!! Jajaja, I can’t barely move my fingers😅).

AND WHAT DID YOU DO WHEN YOU REALIZED YOU WERE WATCHING BLACK MIRROS BACKWARDS??? I’ve watched canter 1 and 2 of ST afterwards, but I hadn’t gotten to watch the whole thing yet. I can’t stand to be looking at a screen for 50minutes without doing anything. And don’t get me wrong, lol, I can be on tumblr for hours, jajaja, but a have to move my hand, and I can go from a blog to another… y'know, jajajajaja. And when I watched chapter 7 of ST i was like, okay… now they have to investigate what happened… or a guessed they would be doing flashbacks… jajajajajaja. Then I realized my mistake and thought I was stupid, 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣“I see you from a different point of view🎶🎶” ( sorry, that’s me singing,jajajaja, Seeing Blind. I LOVE that song)And shows have disappointed me in the sense that they turn out to have an awful ending (seriously, I know you do it for the audience, but end a show how it deserves it, don’t turn it into shit just for a handful of money); or bc they just end it bc they don’t have enough audience. It’s always a matter of audience,jajaja.if they have a lot, they want to explode it. And if they don’t have enough they finish it ASAP. 😒

Honey is a menace, yeh, I couldn’t love him more,jajajaja. He can’t see me petting Liam, he gets jealous and comes to me and headbutt my hand so I pet him too. And Liam is so patient with him. They’re totally like liam and Louis, jajja. Hey! did I tell you the story about when I got Liam? no!! Well, someone gave my dad 4 kitties (they were sooooo small). So, guess their names (it was post March 25, 2015…) yes!! They were named (by me) Louis, Niall, Harry and Liam, jajajajajja. But Harry died a couple of days later, because he was really really young. He couldn’t survive without his mom ☹️. And the other three, my dad took them to a place we have were he has a little garden (?) with vegetables and chickens and proper farm-y, jejeje. I wasn’t too (any) into cats back then, so… Then he brought home one of them, to have our home free of mice. AND IT WAS LIAM!! And I adopted him. I took care of him. We started loving each other. And he became useless with mice, jajaja. He’s totally domesticated now 😝. And that’s his story. The rest? Louis became a big alpha male at their new home. But s car ran him over last summer, and he died 😔. And Niall is a female, jajajajaa. And I hate her. Because she hasn’t been able to keep her kitties alive once!! (She’s pregame again, and we’re praying this time she knows who to be a mom🙏🏻) Ah!! And Honey had siblings the other day!! The guy who gave it to my dad is my brother’s friend and he show him a pic. There are two white cats!! I WANT THEM!!! But they don’t let me have anymore cats! Jajajajaja.

Hey, we might have in common the reason why we started liking tats, jajajjajaa. And, well, to piss off the family is as good a reason as any other,jajajaja. And why are dads like that?? When my sister and I got our lips pierced he went to pick up at the train station and as soon as he saw us he turned around and walked to the car without saying a word,jajajajja. I HAD TOLMY PARENTS WE WOULD BE DOING IT!! I asked my mom:hey mom, if a get a 10 in maths, can I get a piercing?? And she say okay. So I got a 10 (I might cheated or not on this, bc I already knew I had a 10, but wel…), and I got a piercing.my sister only got it, bc I was 16, she had to go with me as an adult, and giving she was already there, she got one too,jajajaja. (My granny almost kill us 😅)

Oh, louis has a BIG responsibility on his hands. He will be killing a lot of people when he puts out his album. He has to chose the proper songs to do it. It will be considered a massive destruction weapon, so he better be careful. But god, for real, when will Louis and Liam release their albums. At this pace, Harry and Niall will be releasing their second one before LiLo has finished their respective tours. And when they finish, Narry will have release their second one, and will be promoting them. So Lilo will start working in their seconds one. And… and… AND ONE DIRECTION WON’T COME BACK EVER BECAUSE THEY CAN FIX A DATE WHERE ALL OF THE BOYS HAVE NOTHING TO DO, AND WHAT WILL I DO??? 😭😭😭😭😭 (sorry, I panicked a bit there,oops).

Uggggg, I can’t stand raeggeton either. I can’t stand the music, argggg. Or the culture of it (the how it treats women, and glorifies sex). I can’t I can’t.and you can’t go out without hearing it. My friends and I went on road trip once. And it was my friend’s car. And she only listens to raeggeton. And after 10, 15, 40? minutes I had to ask her “will this song ever end???” And she told me it was already a different one. And I swear I almost jump out of the car,jajajajaja. We were crossing a bridge, and I wanted to jump out of the car!!!!! I couldn’t listen to that any more!!!!!  Ejkbvwirbfeuirnfrvoieefvnv The she caved and we switched to movie’s soundtracks,jajajaja.

Ha! Don’t worry about sending a lot of ask, I learn something, you’ll see,jajajajaa.Also, I forgot to ask early. Is your sister a 1d fan too, then? She goes to concerts and knows the song… how lucky! you have someone to talk about all the gossip!! (And they know what you’re talking about…) or is she a “casual” fan, and doesn’t get into fandom drama? She just likes the music and doesn’t care about their lives?are you both into drama?? God, I don’t discuss drama very much online, but if had someone face to face to talk about it… I would be the happiest person in the world,jajajajaa (what an exaggeration 🙊).

I think this is all. I LOVE ORPUR CONVERSATIONS!! Jajajaja( I hope I did it correctly and all this is under read more, jajaja)Byeeeeee!!!! 😚😚😚😚

[lost-in-this-oblivion]

ME

For the first time in my life, I will say what’s truly in my heart. Nobody else will know. It’s just me letting this all go. it hurts everyday. Every single fucking day.

It kills me a lot inside to admit

You’re a great provider but never there as a father

Maybe there’s something we missed along the way

Maybe you love us so deeply, so you had to go away

“I Love You” -- we used to say

But never now unless it’s your birthday.

It’s sad to think that maybe you just didn’t know how

Or maybe you had to make yourself hard because you had to be strong somehow

You are so smart

You are so determined

You are so hard-working

You are so Faithful

I’m sorry that I can’t be the child you wanted to have

I’m sorry that I’m not as smart as you expect me to be

I’m sorry that I’m not as hardworking as you are

I try.

Everyday, I try. 

I try to wake up and get up and live

I try but sometimes I just can’t and I don’t know why

My heart has been heavy for as long as I can remember

It feels so empty that I don’t know what can fill me.

I can’t accept love from other people

It makes me feel like I don’t deserve it

It makes me feel like I don’t deserve them

What have made me so apologetic about everything?

What made want to please everyone I’ve met?

What made me want to be accepted?

What made me feel the need to be liked?

What made me feel like I don’t deserve to be loved?

What made me who I am?

Is it me? 

Or was it you?

I have longed for peace in my heart

I prayed and cried to God at night

I wanted to die. Everyday. 

Everyday, even now.

I wanted to die but I didn’t want to hurt you

I didn’t want any of you to blame yourselves 

Maybe we need to talk

But I can’t

We can’t

This is what we are

People who don’t know how to talk to each other.

We are so good with other people 

But what happened to us?

Do you remember those days when you were home and we would play?

Do you remember those times when I was your favorite?

I barely can. It has been so long. 

Do you remember that time back in High school when I forgot to pass my application for that scholarship I can avail and you got mad because I was “Irresponsible”?

I believed in your words.

Do you remember that day I went home with a proud heart and big smile?

Because finally, I have done something right. 

I got another scholarship. On my own. 

I tried to surprise you.

I thought you would be happy.

Maybe you were. 

But then you told me 

“I am proud. But you know how many people would be happy If you give up that scholarship? 3. The person who will be given that scholarship in stead of you, the mother of that person, and then me. I would be happy.”

My head went empty.

“Take up Medical Technology” You said.

I wanted to be in Mathematics. 

I loved math. I still do.

Then you asked what would I become if I graduate in Math? A teacher. 

“Being a teacher is good. My parents are teachers. But try. Just try.”

The young high school girl who only wanted people to recognize her and be proud of her said yes. 

Yes to the unknown. Yes to the unwanted.

I was sent to another place.

Faked my way in by saying “This is what I want. This is where I want to be.”

I met a lot of different people from different places with different cultures.

I have learned a lot about life. But it still didn’t feel right.

3 years in MT and I have become more and more of a disappointment.

I didn’t just fail 1 subject. I failed 4. Yes, 4. 

I was so down. I cried and cried. 

I went home. I said I would try again. You all told me to go ahead and try again. But then I failed again.

“Studying is the only thing you needed to do.”

“Everything else that you needed has been provided.”

Do you how much that hurt? Because I did try. I still failed but I tried. 

Fast forward to being in another course. Biology. 

I met a new set of people and I can truly say I have enjoyed those days of my life. 

I became a member of the Student Council. People listened to what I had to say. My opinion mattered. Finally. A place where I mattered.

But at the end of the day, it still felt empty. 

Graduation came. 

“Now to Med School.”

I took the NMAT and got a relatively high score.  Getting in was a breeze. I only had to say a few things and show my “resume”. My interviewer was impressed because of my extracurricular activities and contributions to my previous organizations.

Surviving Med School was the problem.

Guess what?

My dumb ass failed again.

And your proud self asked

“What’s so hard about it?”

Do you know how much I wanted to throw myself in a pool of knives?

Then you started telling me that I should decide for my self. Whether I continue or not, you don’t care because I’ll be the one who’ll “End up poor”. 

I continued. You know why?

Because I don’t know where else to go. I have spent so many years of my life going to this direction and now you’re going to tell me to decide for myself?

Finally, I passed first year.

Then now, second year. It has been so hard. It’s so hard to be here in there. There were so many things to do yet so many things to read as well.

It’s almost the end of the year and I feel so lost and weak and afraid that I might repeat the year again. 

The biggest mistake I made was telling you how tired I was. I was only ranting because I thought it was natural. I thought it was only natural for me to share how tiring it has been because it has been so fucking tiring I just wanted to die.

Everyday.

“Don’t wait for my patience to worn out because it will never come  back and you will regret it for the rest of your life”

I’ve been stopping my tears since a few hours ago because I can’t cry. Everybody will see. Nobody has ever seen me cry for as long as I can remember because I always hide. In the bathroom or at school. 

The only time you saw me cry was probably when my grandmother died. 

Can I not get tired? Am I not allowed to express how tired I am? Am I not allowed to feel all these because of how “blessed” I already am in this life? Am I not allowed to be feel this way because a lot of people have it worst?

I AM SO TIRED OF THIS.

SO FUCKING TIRED OF THIS.

I JUST WISH FOR A TRUCK TO BUMP ME AND KILL ME INSTANTLY.

You are my mental torture. I love you but you killed me every damn time. 

It’s like I have associated pain with love and now I can’t live without pain in my life. 

As if getting emotionally butchered is “normal”.

I can’t deal with this anymore.

Just, God please just kill me now. 

[imfrozentrash]

Helsa One-Shot: “Detention”

Author’s Note: Another addition to my Appreciation Drabble series to some wonderful people. Today’s fanfic goes to @princehansofthecutieisles80  ♡

I also made a Fanfiction account for my Frozen trash! If you want to check it out, you can right here! 

Stemming from my Helsa One-Shot: “Proposal Disaster,” Elsa is flashed back to her days as a senior high school student. Honor role and potential valedictorian, what happens when she ends up in detention and bonds with one of her classmates from Calculus? Modern AU. Family.

It was just any other day of the week, really. It was Tuesday, probably Wednesday. But nonetheless, I was glued to my textbook like usual. Calculus was my favorite subject in high school. I definitely grew an interest in any math class I took while your aunt loved literature. The school day already started; it was around 8 in the morning when he walked in.

He always made an entrance when he walked in the room. I never talked to him because I never gave him the time of day. If you asked me, he looked like he was trying too hard; dressed in his leather jacket, white v-neck, dark blue jeans, and his motorcycle helmet held snug under his arm. His backpack, if you even called it that, only had one spiral notebook for all of his classes and an occasional pencil. But only until he had to ask someone else for one just to never give it back to them.

"Mr. Westergaard," our teacher sighed, taking off her glasses. "How is it that you're tardy? Again…" But he just shrugged his shoulders and went to the back of the class where he usually sat. "Fine, if you have nothing to say, you can think about it at detention,"

I just continued my classwork for that day. It wouldn't be the first time he got called out like that in the middle of class. So, as sad as it would sound, it was just like any other day during Calculus.

I was in the hallway after lunch when your aunt came running up to me. Don't tell her this, but I kind of didn't want to talk to her that day because I had a huge exam to get to. But now that I think about it, if it weren't for her, I don't think we would have ever met. Huh…

Anyways, long story short, she was just telling me about your Uncle Kristoff. She talked for so long, it made us both late for class. Now, my history teacher was very strict on being on time. If you didn't sit in your seat when the bell rang, you were marked tardy. If you weren't in the classroom, you were marked absent and he didn't allow anyone in until the bell rang for the next class.

Now, I was in the run for valedictorian and I knew that this exam was probably one of the most important ones to take, aside from the midterm and final. But, when I arrived at the classroom, the door was already closed. I never knew this because I was always on time. But apparently, he posts a sign on the door saying, "If you're tardy and try to knock, I'll fail you for the entire semester" or something along those lines. So, there I was almost on verge of tears, not knowing what to do until he showed up out of nowhere.

"Oh, don't cry about it. It's nothing to cry over anyways," I turned around and he's up against the lockers on his phone.

"What are you doing here?" I asked, feeling irritated. "Haven't you been tardy enough?"

"What, this is my class too," he explained, shoving his phone in his pocket. "It's alright, you wouldn't be the first one to not notice me when I'm in the room," I'm taken back by his remark when I didn't say anything back. It was confusing to me because based on what happened in Calculus, seemed like he catches everyone's attention.

"Hey, that's not-"

"Save it," I walked backward until my back hit the wall and he looked over me. I held my ground as heat crept up my face. "I'd love to hear all about it after school,"

"What are you talking about?" But all he did was move back, already walking down the hall. "Hey, come back here!"

"Room 416. Don't be late this time or you'll really hear it from the Principal," he winked at me from behind his sunglasses and disappeared down the hallway. I didn't know what he meant by that. But when my teacher gave me detention after school for missing the exam, I wasn't looking forward to seeing him again.

And there he was, feet propped up on the desk in front of him while on his phone. I looked around and didn't find any advisor watching over him.

"Hey," he looked up from his phone and smiled almost genuinely. I sighed and took a seat as far away from him as much as possible. But he just jumped in the seat next to me.

"Do you mind? I plan on trying to get some work done,"

"Hey, we have two hours. Might as well make the most of our time, am I right?" He winked at me. I rolled my eyes and just opened up my unfinished Calculus homework. "You're still working on that thing?"

"What and you're already finished? Do you even know how to do it?"

"Hey, I'm just lazy. It doesn't mean that I'm dumb," he looked over at my worksheet and snatched it from my desk.

"Hey!"

"You've got number seven wrong," he tossed it back, it almost falling off my desk.

"What do you know?" I snickered back. But I took a look and saw that I did do the problem wrong. I've been staring at the equation for a good fifteen minutes until he moved his desk close - a little too close, actually - and explained my mistake. Right when I thought I knew all the answers, he made me realize what I did wrong.

Fifteen minutes turned into an hour and we were just casually talking with each other. That same morning, I didn't want anything to do with him. But, after getting to know him a little more, I realized that I misjudged him. We had a little over half an hour left of our detention when an advisor came in.

"Oh good, you two decided to stay after all," the advisor mumbled out loud. I tried to hold my laugh when I heard him chuckle behind me. "After this, you're free to go home, Elsa,"

"What? What about me?"

"Oh, we've got another meeting after this, Mr. Westergaard. Your father is on his way and you'll be sure to meet with him in the Principal's office," and with that, he left us alone again.

"Oh, tough luck Hans," I sympathized lightly, packing up my things early. But I looked over and saw him shift from his usual playfulness to a strong surge of nervousness. "Hans? Are you alright?" But he just sat up from his desk and started pacing around the room. "Hans?"

"Shit," he cursed under his breath, nervously stroking the back of his neck. His breathing started to get louder until I could clearly see his shirt get damp. I got up and tried to calm him down.

"Hans, it's okay. It's just your father," I gently reassured, trying to grab his hand.

"Don't touch me!" He snatched it away so quickly, I felt a sharp pain in my palm. I pulled back, feeling worried. I just watched hopelessly as his pacing got faster and he slid down the wall. I almost broke down when I heard soft cries coming from him as he folded himself in his lap. I didn't care that he was distant, so I persisted. I took a seat next to him and gently placed my hand on his shoulder. To my surprise, he didn't shrink back to my touch.

Instead, he forcefully pulled me into a tight embrace. It caught me off guard so much that I instinctively tried to pull back. But I stopped fighting back when I heard him cry on my shoulder and his grip got tighter. So, we just sat there in the middle of the classroom and I allowed him to cry.

"That was the day I first learned he had anxiety. And the first day we met. Who knew, right?"

"So does he always act like that?"

"Not always, but I understood that he didn't want to show anyone. He was 'too cool for school' to be honest with himself," I chuckled as I showed Thomas the air quotes. "But after about half a year or so, I was able to encourage him to be his true self. I also learned that he's able to calm down without his inhaler when I'm with him. It makes me feel a little special whenever he tells me that,"

"So you both met in detention?"

"That does not mean we're allowing you to get yourself in trouble, young man," I turn around and see Hans standing in the doorway with his arms crossed. I chuckle and smile up at him as he walks in.

"That's right, listen to your father. But I know that our boy is better than that," I assure Hans, running my fingers through our son's hair. Thomas happily snuggles in his bed by my motherly touch.

"Oh, and by the way, your mother was the only one who noticed me every day when I walked in late every morning. She just assumed everyone else saw me too,"

"Really?" Thomas laughs. I smack Hans' arm as I blush in embarrassment.

"Noticed it ever time," he sits next to me and hugs my waist.

I never knew that. I smile to myself.

"Goodnight son," Hans whispers, handing him his stuffed horse. Thomas hugs it close and shuts his eyes.

"Goodnight," he says and I kiss him on his forehead. Hans and I walk out of his room, leaving the door slightly open. We walk down the hall to our shared master bedroom.

"Did you really have to tell him about my days in high school?" Hans sighs in embarrassment as he gets into bed.

"Of course. What else would I talk about it?"

"Oh anything else but that, Elsa. Looking back, I was a real dumbass. I didn't know what the hell I was doing," I lean over and kiss his neck playfully as I intertwine my fingers with his.

"Well, what about his grandparents?" Silence. "Or… maybe about his uncles?" More silence. "Can I, or at least - when can you tell him that story?" I feel disappointed again when he pushes my hand and turns away from me.

"He doesn't need to know about it,"

Thanks for reading! It’s been a while since I’ve posted my own content and I’m really sad about that... School and life catch up with you that I find it harder to find time to do what I love doing. But if you were waiting, thanks for being patient!

If you want a more organized place for some of my fanfiction, you can check out my Fanfiction.net account. I’d appreciate it! (:

@princehansofthecutieisles80 I love you so much! Thank you for being such a great person! I always smile every time you notice me when I see a notification from you in my feed. It’s embarrassing, I know... But I admire you so much and I appreciated all of those time you gave me the slightest time of day when I was lonely. Thank you for being a wonderful human being. I hope this Appreciation Drabble makes your day. ♡

[hillarykylie]

I’m just so incredibly frustrated and upset with everyone in my life and I’m so glad Tumblr is a safe platform where I can genuinely be expressive of my mental health and how I’ve been feeling, because it’s been a while.

I struggle with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and within the Disorder, there are 4 sub-categories - one of which I identify as ‘Quiet’ BPD which is a little dissimilar to the general conception of what BPD is.

I’ve also been diagnosed with Depression and Generalized Anxiety Disorder since the age of 12 and have been on medication for about 7 months.

I struggle on and off with Atypical Anorexia and have recently been diagnosed with Body Dysmorphic Disorder.

To begin with, life has been one huge emotionally tumultuous ride for me. The trauma that my childhood has cursed me with has done nothing but collateral damage in my life now.

Growing up, I was the only child who spent the bulk of my time being alone. I was socially awkward and failed to assimilate with my peers in school and was bullied for being unable to fit in.

I was sent away at the age of 9 all the way up till 12 to the hands of an abuser - whom I’ve forgiven as of today. I hate to blame this on my parents because I know they truly meant well at that point of time and wanted the best for me, but the emotional and mental scars this whole torment has left on me has been carthatic and unimaginable.

It’s eroded my self-worth and perception of myself over the last few years, and the fact that I never truly talked about this openly to anyone has led to a lot of pent-up anger and resentment and unresolved trauma to accumulate within me.

I love my mom, I know she loves me to death and till this day she cries over her decision of sending me away. The main reason she’d sent me away was because both my parents were busy building their business empires when I was younger and was unable to commit to me. growing up in a strict Asian household who pride themselves on elitism and academics, she believed that I’d flourish academically and be more well-behaved under the guardianship of someone who supposedly had the resources to nurture me when my mom couldn’t.

Not only was I a victim of physical abuse, being hit, slapped and pinched over the trivialest of reasons - all pertaining to academics by the way - such as not being able to grasp a maths formula / doing badly in a test and witnessing my childhood friend at the time getting beaten and slapped and caned and yelled at under the same roof as me on a daily basis and bearing the brunt of emotional abuse (getting told that I was never good enough, I was never smart enough, that I’ll never be academically successful, that I was useless) and being consistently compared to other children slowly tore away my self-esteem and happiness.

My guardian had a rigid routine that we had to adhere to, and most of it revolved around relentless studying and tutoring by her. There were hardly any breaks and not performing up to par academically would risk facing disciplinary action by her. Neither her child (my friend) Nor me were rebellious. We were obedient, compliant and hard-working. We had to lock ourselves up in the room and face long, tedious hours of studying and cramming, as young as at 9 and 10 years old, and had to face the constant prospect of my abuser exploding out of the blue.

I remember feeling an overwhelming apprehension, anxiety, fear, inadequacy as a child and I grew up feeling helpless and restricted in this mental and physical chokehold. I would hide in the toilets for a little longer and outside the house as I was deathly afraid to thrust myself back into a war-zone. It was a daily cycle of praying that I’d make it through the day without crumbling. Some days were bearable, other days were not. I had to witness how my friend got beaten, slapped and pinched by my abuser over yet again, the silliest of reasons and the constant chaos and mayhem in the house made me incredibly fearful. I was under constant pressure to be on my best performance, but I was still victim to being hit, pinched and yelled at - all because I didn’t understand a math formula or an algebraic equation. I’d subsequently be called “stupid” and “dumb” and every other degrading labels you could think of, that I slowly started to believe that the labels defined who I was. 3 years of such abuse being drilled relentlessly in you, a 9 year old child, just imagine.

As a child, you internalise everything that you’ve been told, and this unfortunately sticks with you throughout adolescence and adulthood.

At that point of time, I was so incredibly young that I had no idea that the physical and emotional abuse I endured wasn’t ‘NORMAL’, until years later when I finally got into therapy. I had no clue that this was almost illegal and unlawful.

I couldn’t escape from the situation then and I remember telling my parents about what I had to go through. I didn’t tell them in precise detail about the horrific abuse that I endured, as I couldn’t muster enough courage to tell them everything. I yearned desperately for my parents to salvage me from such a precarious and emotionally jeopardising situation, for them to save me and hug me and tell me everything that I’d put up with so far was awful and undeserving, but for some reason, I ended up being invalidated and accused of lying by my very own parents.

Not only was I falsely accused of fabricating about being hit, my dad thought I was conjuring up these “lies” because I was lazy and that didn’t want to do well in school. He then proceeded to discipline me by forcing me to kneel down and caned me, despite my desperate attempts to convince both my parents that I wasn’t lying and that I needed help. I didn’t know what I was doing wrong, and I felt like I was being punished for something I hadn’t done. I continued to address the issue several times throughout the 3 years, only to be trivialised and disregarded again and again. Instead of raising concerns and being empathetic, my dad proceeded to admonish me for not fairing exceptionally in school, and begun comparing me to other children, telling me that I should be more “like” them and to quit being lazy and a compulsive “liar”, and to stop making up excuses to be away from my abuser.

I felt stifled, disappointed and let down. I was broken when my mom continued not doing anything and enabled my abuser to continue abusing me. For 3 years, I was stuck in this inescapable loop of emotional, mental and physical torment and I was made to feel as though everything was my fault, and that I deserved to be treated this poorly.

Not to mention - the Singapore education system is one of the harshest and strictest systems in the World. There’s colossal emphasis placed on academics, even at a young age, and failing to produce adequate academic results would result in ostracisation and physical discipline from our parents.

That, compounded by the pressures of school, a chaotic upbringing and environment, gradually affected me in the worst ways possible.

I remember shedding tears and crying hysterically when I was younger, whilst I was being hit, seeing my friend being beaten and caned right in front of my eyes was as equally disturbing, gut-wrenching and frightening. It’s as though we never knew when she would erupt, things were so unpredictable that I was walking on eggshells throughout the 3 years. I never knew when a beating would herald, or when the torrent of emotional abuse would strike me.

I would pray and beg for my mom to fetch me and save me from the chaos, and felt betrayed and abandoned each time she chose not to do so. I felt unprotected, unsafe and misunderstood. I begun to believe that I was a liar, after my parents’ countless dismissals of what I was going through. I felt like a mistake, a burden, and didn’t understand why I was so unfairly subjected to being forsaken, abandoned and dismissed and abused.

I didn’t know if it was appropriate to cry or be emotionally afflicted about this. For years, I’d genuinely regarded physical discipline (hitting, slapping, on pinching) on children as something that was allegedly intrinsic and normal to society, as well as hurling hurtful, injurious insults, only to realise years later that none of it should be condoned and how I was in fact - a victim of abuse.

I started cultivating self destructive behaviours at the age of 11 and 12, and had to be sent to the Psychologists. When I begun self-harming as an outlet to express my innate anger and frustration, I received even more abuse. The only person who truly cared about me and was concerned for my well-being was one of my teachers, whom I’ll never forget till this day and who has changed my life dramatically ever since. I didn’t intend for my scars to be discovered by anyone around me, and was destroyed when my parents accused me of being “naive”, “impressionable” and trying to follow a fashion trend by cutting. I’d thought that with self-harming, they’d realise just how much pain I was in and rescue me, but unfortunately this wasn’t the case back then. What’s worse, my abuser noticed that I’d been self-harming and started yelling at me and being exasperated and unnecessarily incensed. I was confused by how people around me were acting. Nothing I do seemed to work.

They say the experiences in your childhood paves the way for how you view yourself later in life, and I cannot agree more. This whole ordeal has truly shaken me to the core, and has definitely played an integral part to all my mental issues now. 3 years of my precious childhood was robbed away from me and instead of receiving the love and care that I deserved, at my most emotionally vulnerable, I was cruelly invalidated, shunned away, dismissed and disregarded like a drop of a hat. 3 years of being told I was never good enough, never smart enough, that I’ll never make it, 3 years of witnessing instability, Disorder and mayhem in the household, an emotionally unstable and unpredictable Guardian, 3 years of being physically tortured by someone who wasn’t my biological parent.

Not only has my childhood made me feel utterly worthless and unloveable, this negative belief system has festered in me and till this day, I still harbour and carry such destructive thoughts about myself, which’s certainly done irrefutable damage on my adolescent years, such as leading me to seek out validation and “love” through toxic, malignant relationships due to my abnormally low self-esteem and not feeling loved as a child.

Fast forward - I didn’t know what to feel when my parents finally decided to believe me and was infuriated with my abuser YEARS later and when my mom came crying and apologising to me when she found out all along I’d been speaking the truth as a child.

I still don’t know how to react to this day. I’m confused, hurt and frazzled. I’ve chosen to forgive my abuser and my parents, especially my mom, but what I still don’t understand, and will never understand, is why I had to go through such torment as a child, when I should be loved, nurtured and cared for in the right way.

I spent most of my childhood feeling left-out and alone, fearful and distrustful of people and apprehensive whenever I’m asked to open up.

What hurts me even more is that despite everything I’ve gone through and endured during my nascent childhood and adolescent years (not exclusive to this incident of abuse), there are still people around me who claim to “love” me yet emotionally invalidate me in the most calluous ways possible.

“But you’re rich, your family’s wealthy. You have a nice house, you go to a prestigious University, what the hell do you even have to be traumatised about?”

Not only do they think I’m undeserving of love and support, they assume that growing up for me was peppered with endless merriment, laughter and joy, just because I hail from an admittedly “well-to-do” family, I must be handed with everything in a silver spoon in life and that I do not know jackshit about “real” struggles and that I must be a “spoilt brat”, when I’m nothing but the direct opposite. And it doesn’t help that I’m a high functioning person who is still performing adequately in all aspects of my life despite my barrage of unresolved trauma and mental illnesses - people who meet me for the first time have absolutely no idea about my history or past.

Really? You think years of childhood neglect, emotional, physical, mental abuse, taunting and ostracisation, growing up in an emotionally threatening environment, witnessing violence, chaos, volatility, losing a loved one can be cured with money?

Don’t get me wrong - I’m empathetic towards those who live in poverty and I make an effort to help people in need. I’m grateful to be financially blessed, but my parents being wealthy has absolutely no correlation to my well-being at all. My progress often gets discredited just because of my background, which is absolutely senseless and absurd.

Got A*AA for A Levels and apparently that wasn’t because of my hardwork, it was because I’m “rich”? You’ve got to be kidding me?

One thing stands clear and it is that I’m not a mooch or a leech who takes for granted my privileges and I certainly work my way up to the TOP myself, with my zealous work ethic and drive.

I feel misunderstood and maligned most of the time. I can’t even go about my day, expressing some form of discomfort or my sincere feelings without being undermined and treated as a joke. And I’m hardly ever the person who confides into someone or seeks help unless need be just because I’m so avoidant, paranoid and distrustful of people in general.

There are a lot more formidable things that I’ve gone through in my life which’s shaped me into who I am today, all of which has made the pain even more real, tangible and palpable and contributed to so much of my BPD and depression, which I’ll delve into at some point later.

[writidk-blog]

I guessed wrong;

staceyiscold  requested:

Hi could I have an imagine please?? Where the reader and either Monty or zach are secret cuddle buddies (like friends with benefits but for cuddles) and the boy develops feelings and avoids the reader so she confront him at school in front of his friends who don’t even know they talk and then it ends kinda fluffy kinda sexy? Not smut just not too cheesy! Thanks!!

author’s note: Sorry this is kinda late? i was quite out of it and i really need to sleep now but i hope this is any good!! aaaaa I don’t know how sexy I could turn this into?? I hope my ~sadness~ didn’t get much in the way (mainly i hope i didn’t disappoint hahahahaahkjasjd) i hope you enjoy it! hope i didn’t mess anything up!!!! it’s also quite long but i feel like i tried to shorten it up a bit. a mess. i apologize. /also i was the only one to read it so if any english mistakes,, again,, i apologize/

I entered the school, trying to keep my small self-cheering to myself and walking with a teeny smile on my face. I greeted the kids I know, some greeted me back some just nodded at my existence, but none of that really bothered me. No, nothing could possibly bother me lately.

I was happy, is it too cheesy to say that?

Recently it is felt as if teenagers can’t feel happy, only stress and worry on their minds. Occasionally depressed, but it is the youth, mood swings are totally acceptable, which is how adults completely ignore any kind of scream of help coming from their children. With all the pressure coming at us, whether it’s socially with all the high standards or it’s school, which has really not any kind of low standards and you have to want, not need, but want to achieve a full score on anything.

But out of all the odds, I was happy. After everything that has been going on, being a little selfish and having a dot of happiness is what I deserve.

I went on and passed down the halls, getting to my locker and opening it. I felt a presence behind me but I brushed it off since tons of kids are walking there, but turned around when someone coughed and touched my shoulder to get my attention.

Turning around, I saw Zach standing in front of me. Although I was delighted, I was also quite of confused, looking around if any of the jocks are watching. “I told them I needed the math homework.” He said when he noticed me furrowing my eyebrows and looking for certain people. Mouthing a slight ‘Oh’ I chuckle and turn back to take the books I needed for my first period.

“So what is it you need Dempsey? I assume it’s not math homework.” Looking to the side he was already leaning towards the closest locker and rolled his eyes. I closed my locker and waited for his answer, arching my eyebrow quite cockily at him.

“I had a great time last night.” He smiled genuinely at me and I felt a blush creeping on my cheeks, remembering the events of the previous night. It wasn’t even anything too serious, we were just hanging out at my place and cuddling, enjoying each other’s company. Basically just being there for each other. It wasn’t the first time it happened, and we had a rule though, we keep it in the friends category, but that was really hard since I couldn’t handle but developing feelings for that lovable boy.

“So what do you want to do?” I asked him as I poured a glass of water for the both of us, he sighed and just shrugged.

“I’m pretty tired, all I want to do is cuddle, maybe vent, watch a movie.” He offered and moved his head to the sides with each choice making me giggle. “That’s a lot of choices.” I took a sip and he stick his tongue out, standing up and going to my room.

It wasn’t the first time he was here, nor the second, so he was aware of his surroundings and felt really comfortable in my house. No one knew this was happening though, it was our little secret, and nothing was happening. I mean, nothing like any other high school rumor, because when a boy visits a girl’s home, the first thing that pops into their head is sex.

But it wasn’t about sex, it was about keeping company to each other when we needed it. Zach wouldn’t admit it, but he was lonely, and he needed someone to be there for him. Gladly I obligated to the request, since I was pretty lonely myself. It was a great match, both of us understanding each other’s needs and respecting them, also having not little things in common made it even better.

Putting the glass of water down, I made my way to my room. I saw him already lying on my bed, hand behind his head and his snapback gently on his head, blocking everything. He wasn’t aware of anything so I took it to my advantage and jumped on him, making him grunt and for his hat fall quickly off.  He held me tightly as he moved my body off him, to lying next to him.

Opening one eye towards me I let out a laughter, making him giggle himself and eventually ending it with us bursting into a fit of laughter. Calming down, he pulled me closer to him, letting me rest my head on his chest and wrap myself around his body, relaxing.

This was how the rest of the day went, how mostly all of days went, occasionally we would do something else like go for a ride, watch something. But this is what we basically did, cuddle, talk and laugh about it all. The fact that he didn’t want anything else, nothing sexual or temporary, made me adore him even more.

“Yeah, I did too.” I smiled at him. Immediately after he got called by his friends, yelling from across the hall what is taking him so long to take the math homework from some kid.

“I’ll see you tonight.” Was all he said until he ran off. “Yeah, O-Okay.” The words came out of my mouth loudly than I expected, realizing I said that to absolutely no one and catching some glances at me.

Zach’s pov:

Walking quickly towards my friends, I could see the suspicious faces all over them, Justin being the only one who was willing to say something about the scenario that happened not far from them. “What took you so long?” He pointed his head towards Y/N who was walking away from our sight.

“She said she forgot the exact pages so I waited until she found them.”

“Nah I’m sure he’s nailing her.” Monty said nudging Justin to his right, making me grunt and stare at him annoyingly the moment he opened his mouth.

“Or maybe he just thought of doing it. I mean, did you see how happy little Zachary was?” Bryce said in a mocking tone from behind and made weird hand gestures towards my face, making me slap his hands away and snort at him.

“You guys are delusional.” I was about to mention that we had to get to class until Monty spoke up again, saying something about the fact that if I wasn’t going to do something with her, then nothing is stopping him.

I couldn’t not get angry, but I also couldn’t confront Monty. He definitely could go and ask her out, does that mean it didn’t bother me? It absolutely did. But what exactly could I do?

“Whatever, as if she’ll want you anyway.” Justin said and slapped the back of Monty’s head. While he was looking like a confused kicked puppy, Justin bit his lip, holding back a laughter and looked at me.

“You coming today bro?” Shit.

“Uh, I don’t think so. Lots of homework.” That wouldn’t work, he knew it damn well but there was nothing else he could use as an excuse that wouldn’t point to the actual place he was going.

“Are you—Is he for real right now?” Justin looked to his left where Marcus was standing, laughing a bit and pushing me backwards. “Who is it you’re with man? Is it that Y/N girl?” He smirked, knowing that he was onto something and let out a tiny whistle. “It tota-“

“I’m coming.”

“Oh, but you sa-“

“I’m coming.” I said sternly and left as quickly as I could before I would’ve punched either one of them, I knew they’d calm down and forget about it all, but it pissed me off. Was I hiding any kind of feelings towards Y/N? Maybe, but I couldn’t do anything about it, only try to end it.

And that’s what I did.

Your Pov:

It was already 9 p.m. as I was still waiting for Zach to come, or even text. Rolling over my bed to grab my phone I noticed no notifications, no sign of him being either dead or alive, or on the way. Deciding it was too much, I took the matter to my hands.

‘I guess you’re not coming.’

Was all I could type, thinking for some amount of time before even sending it, waiting anxiously for a reply from him.

Seventeen minutes. That’s how long it took him to reply, and how long it took me to stare at the screen and wait for the dots to pop up.

‘You guessed right.’

I couldn’t form the right words to answer, I couldn’t even think. I was so pathetically hurt, only one message could affect me like that. Maybe he was in a bad mood? Maybe something happened?

Or maybe he just got tired of how annoying I was? This is an endless cycle and I just wanted to take the lamp next to me and smash it on his head. How dumb I was to think something could happen between me and Zach Dempsey? I mean, he even kept it as a secret. I turned the phone off and threw it to the ground.

It was just me and my soon-to-be-wet-by-my-tears pillow tonight.

Three days has passed, and I heard nothing from him. Not a text, call, or even slight sneak out at school. Hell, he didn’t even look at me when I passed next to him down the hall. He’s playing it all by his own rules, well, I’m tired of it. I was hurt and obsessing over it didn’t make it any better, I had to know what was his deal or at least let him have some of my opinion on his childish behavior.

I spotted him, Justin and Monty in the hall and sped over there, not letting myself stop for a second and think about was about to happen, no stressing over it, just going over there and telling him a piece of my mind. Was I going to embarrass myself? Shut up.

I was right behind him and took him by the shoulder, turning him around. He was in the middle of a conversation, an entertaining one probably since he was laughing. But the moment he saw who stopped him in the middle of the hall, he wasn’t even smiling.

“What is your fucking deal?” I raised my voice. His immediate reaction was looking around to see if someone was bothered by any of it, which made me even more angry.

“Calm down, you’re ma-“

“Making a scene? Do you really think I care?” He sighed, I turned my gaze slightly and saw Justin smirking, turning my gaze to Zach who showed absolutely no emotion. I hated this, the fact that he wasn’t even able to act like himself, the fact that he doesn’t care, maybe he never did.

“Listen, I don’t know what your problem is, I can’t pretend I don’t care, but fuck.” I let out a sigh and a tired laugh. “You can’t treat me like that.” I stood up straight and pointed at everyone, especially Monty and Justin, “I don’t give a slight fuck if they know or not. The last thing I am going to do to myself is let someone act like a douche to me.” I was about to turn away when I knew I had just something more to say. “I thought you were different, I guessed that you were, I assume I guessed wrong.”

Immediately, I walked out of school. Not caring about anything, not any class or any social event, only thinking about going back home and zoning out for the rest of the day, secretly wanting for the rest of my life.

It was 7 p.m. when I heard my phone blowing up without stopping. Grabbing it, I was quite surprised to see that it was blowing up because of Zach.

Endless missed calls and messages, all along the lines of ‘Please answer me’ or ‘Meet me’. Sighing and getting up, wiping off any tears that have dried on my cheeks and rubbing my eyes, texting him to come over since I had no power or the will to walk outside and meet him.

In a matter of fifteen minutes he was already knocking on my door. Of course I wasn’t the one to open the door for him, my mother let him into the house and he entered the room as fast as he could, only noticing me lying on the bed.

“Hey.” He softly said, as if that move could make him right this moment forgiven, knowing inside that it almost did, I hated myself for it. When he saw me getting up and sitting on the bed, still not responding, he sat next to me and started throwing up words that were supposed to be in English.

“To understand you I need you to talk in a language I know.” You could hear the breath that hitched in this throat and he coughed softly, sighing and standing up.

“I’m sorry.” Was the first thing he said. Still not being able to look him in the eyes, I let him continue. “I was so scared to get emotionally attached to someone, that the first thing that popped into my mind the moment someone else noticed it was happening, was to let go.” That was when I looked at him, heartbroken.

“I am a coward, I know-“

“You aren’t.”

“Please let me finish Y/N.” He took place next to me again and I turned to look at his face, observing any of his facial expressions.

“I know I am. The moment Hannah,” He choked this one out and I rest my hand on his shoulder and scooted over next to him. “I didn’t know what to do, I hate being lonely but I can’t handle any type of closeness. You were the person I wanted to honestly never let go, but,” His eyes were watery a bit and I wiped any tear that was trying to escape his eyes as he let out a sad, tired laugh. “I was too scared to know that I might lose you to them, or any other legitimate reason that might lead to you leaving.”

All I could do was look into his eyes and sigh, letting my head fall on his shoulder and staying like that for a bit. Raising my head up and resting my chin on his shoulder, I let out a small whisper, “I don’t intend on leaving, but I can’t force you to let me in as well.” Straightening up he looked at me and I smiled weakly at him. “I want to.” He whispered back and put his hand on my neck, stroking my jaw with his thumb. “You don’t understand how much.” My hand following closely and holding his hand right where it was.

“Then do it.” It was all it took for him, the moment those words slipped my mouth, he let himself act before he could think about it, and his lips were resting gently on my own. Kissing him back with so much mixed emotions that were battling inside me, my hand moved to his neck while the other steadied my body on his chest, slightly tugging on his shirt.

When we stopped, both of us panting a bit, I couldn’t help but let out a laugh, an action that made him feel a bit confused. Looking back at him, I got closer and looked into his eyes, never wanting anything to break my glance from this, “I don’t want you pulling a stunt like that ever again, Dempsey.” I whispered near his lips, letting my glance travel there, seeing his lips forming into a smile.

“Yes ma’am.” He chuckled and grabbed my figure gently on his own, letting me straddle him and leaving his hands that were grabbing softly my hips right where they are. “I don’t think I’m ever letting you go.”

“I don’t think I ever want to leave.” I closed my eyes, feeling like I was in a dream I don’t ever want to wake up from. He kissed me again, and again and again, like he could read my mind and assure me that I was not dreaming. Smiling, I couldn’t help but to think how happy I was, how happy I am and how happy I hopefully continue to be, how much I want to make him happy as well.

[wandering-bitch]

Annotations on Falling in Love with Love (Again)

FiLwL(A) is my 3zun cinderella which is actually just about the importance of qin su and also reuniting with your exes. Here’s my behind the scenes/notes/lore for chapters 9-11. 

ch 9: nie mingjue being hot

i wrote this before i’d even written the Murder in ch 6;;;;; i just love nie mingjue

i so deeply believe in nie mingjue being smart and able to see through meng yao because he’s straightforward and strategic. 

“hmm” i said to myself. “how do i write the bois getting together??” after much thought i decided on “by stabbing one of them a bunch”

bits of this are still funny to me. rip meng yao sometimes you gotta be up close and personal with a hot dude’s bare sweaty chest 

also my version of “romantic and sensual” is just “doing math and deciding yeah, against your better judgement, you’re gonna smooch” because i love an overthinking murder twink

“on the bright side, the late-night guest was not jin guangshan’s type. unfortunately he was exactly meng yao’s type: nie mingjue” i can’t believe i let myself write this, bc it feels way too modern, but also the tone of this fic is just sarcastic enough that modern grouchy shit works 

ever since i discovered that camel was a delicacy in tang china i became OBSESSED with it. i nearly included it in ‘i have always loved the door’ and it makes an appearance in ‘blood in the cut’

the guan reappears!! or at least is mentioned.in case u forgot it from chapter 1 it is Definitely Not A Glass Slipper Or Anything

“i love ruining a twink’s life” i said in the author’s notes. i was not lying. my hobbies are making nie mingjue look cool and making jin guangyao suffer.

“xichen was disappointed when he didn’t see you there” “and you of course, weren’t” “on the contrary i was happy to see you” is one of the exchanges that was like. core to this fic. similar to “i met someone” “i don’t know what you want me to say to that” “neither do i”

when outlining fics i tend to include some key dialogue/exchanges that strike me as the Mood TM and half the time these exchanges go through incredible rewrites or just get deleted, but it’s always nice to see them survive

the xiangqi was so much fun to write, not bc i have played the game a bunch (i haven’t) but bc it gave me a fun way to talk about the conversation without talking about the conversation.

“a controlled leak qould have been very useful” makes me so happy it’s such a MOOD and nie mingjue immediately going heart-eyes over it is complete wish fulfillment. when will a hot sword lesbian be enamored over my ruthless scheming???? im taking sword lesbian gf applications over in my ask box

“But it hadn’t been easy” this paragraph originally included “Nie Mingjue had broadened his moral compass, and Meng Yao had learned to trust” or something but i couldn’t  really figure out how meng yao would describe his own personal growth since he left qinghe. like he DID grow he DID learn that he can trust the people he loves to trust him and that it’s worth bringing people in on your schemes and plans.... but he’s too dumb to describe this. 

the xiyao troll’s comment on this was “LMFAO that oocness from both meng yao and nmj where nmj is suddenly JGY levels of cunning and JGY is dumb enough to make mistakes XD”

this has stuck with me so hard

how do you read Falling in Love with Love and only discover after 16k words that i think meng yao makes mistakes?????

how do u consume any adaptation of mdzs and think that nmj isn’t smart enough to go “huh that cunning twink who is absolutely mooning over me and xichen and also plays weiqi like my old buddy seems REAL FUCKING FAMILIAR” nmj canonically sees thru jgy machinations all the time

anyway i love nmj and the xiyao troll

did you know there’s an exchange to celebrate the troll’s works??? i discovered it after signups closed but im going to enjoy reading all of them

ch 10: and with very little trouble

this took me like a month to write oops but that’s just because a lot has to happen

the opening where meng yao is being mean to qin su was so hard to write. meng yao getting overworked?? fine. meng yao getting abused??? cool. meng yao being slightly short with his sister, who is in no way hurt by this bc she can tell it’s not about her??? HORRIBLE!!!

the detective scene happened. there’s not a lot to say about it, i don’t think, except to note that han meilin did try to stand up for qin su

ch 11: impossible things are happening every day

cinderella time mother fuckers!!! this is another one that took time!!

ch 10 took time bc i wasn’t 100% sure how it would play out

this took time bc even though i knew exactly what would happen and how, it has to be Real Good, y’know? it’s tying up the entire fic. if these 2k words don’t work, then the rest of the fic will feel less good and ppl won’t come back to it

(please everyone come back to this over and over if only to laugh at my obvious qin su agenda)

qin su and meng yao fighting over who gets to take the fall for their joint murder. i love them.

i wasn’t planning for this fic to start the sunshot campaign but here we are. in the war. 

How did this version of the sunshot campaign go? Well. not good. because someone has no reason to invent necromancy. But not as poorly as you’d think. Jiang Sect isn’t destroyed, and the Cloud Recesses are functional (although not at full capacity), so they have more strength on hand. Plus, Meng Yao encouraged Koi Tower to funnel money and resources into the Qin Sect, specifically so if the war started before he expected it to (whoops!!! it did!!!!), those resources would be somewhere he could encourage to fight. 

on the one hand, the sunshot campaign’s territory is divided in half by the wens. on the other hand, that means the wens are fighting on both the northern and southern border (since, again, jiang sect is still alive)

anyway i’d say it’s a more steady war, as opposed to my recollection of canon where like. everyone’s fucking miserable until our sexy goth boi comes out with his corpses and wrecks shop. 

then han meilin and qin su look at their families and say “if you do not let us marry right now in a way that combines our sects equally...... we will just do it anyway.” 

(meng yao in the background, holding a thin knife: fucking try me. try me. i want you to be mean to my sister just so i can stab you with my knives.)

anyway it’s time for the epilogue where meng yao is vice general and there is no more wen sect

(have i thought about the dafan wens in this ‘verse? no. i probably should not, either, as wwx would be less ride-or-die for them and that means maybe wen qing and wen ning would die in a war camp)

never mind!!! happy thoughts only!!!! like how qin su and meng yao are getting ready to kill again bc they are the bi crime sibling club!!!! 

jin zixuan is invited to family brunch but he’s never invited to bi crime sibling club because qin su and meng yao refuse to let him lose his innocence. 

“ge, jie, i’m married with children, i don’t have any innocence to lose--” “oh didi, precious baby, our infant brother, shining beacon of our heart...”

mo xuanyu is also forbidden from joining bi crime club. he’s too baby. 

they do discover other jin bastards and invite them to lunch and sure, there might eventually be another bi criminal.

3zun visits each other in 2 month chunks, with one to two month breaks as needed. so the epilogue is the beginning of 2 months hanging out in meng yao’s house, and then later in the year they’ll hang out in the cloud recesses or whatever

qin su and meng yao both have secret lists of places to acquire babies for each other. han meilin knows about both of these lists and laughs every time she sees the same orphanages on both lists.

the final comment from the xiyao troll on this was: “Interesting choice to write a bland ooc AU, but I guess this is all you can manage with your writing skill. ;) This way you don't have to worry about JGY lying to Xichen for years, murdering NMJ, attempting to murder Xichen's family in the second siege, stealing secrets from the Lan sect, corrupting a healing song Xichen trusted him with, and fully betraying LXC's and NMJ's trust.”

like. yeah. of course i sidestepped the bad things. that’s what a fix-it au is for. it’s where i say “here’s an alternate universe, where certain bad things do not happen.” it’s where i say “if meng yao had always had qin su around to counteract the messaging his mother gave him, he might not have gone so far in his quest for power”. duh. 

also like kiddo, troll, friend. the pitch for this fic is “cinderella except with murder and qin su rights”. i’ve been clear from the top that this is an Indulgent Fic with No Pretenses of Quality. im proud of some sentences and passages, but this ain’t Blood In The Cut where im tryna Say something or either of my jiang cheng-centric fics where im focusing on good characterization. 

it’s a cozy murder where qin su gets to live and have a cool wife

[mostlysignssomeportents]

#10yrsago How Children Learn: classic of human, kid-centered learning

Earlier this year, a reader sent me copies of John Holt's classic books on children's education, How Children Learn and How Children Fail and tonight, I finished the first of them (and will be reading the other next). It was one of the most profoundly moving books I've ever read, the truest account of how I remember my best learning experiences as a child and an adult.

Holt was a dedicated teacher and a very, very keen observer of children from babyhood up. Most of How Children Learn takes the form of notes from his diaries, his later reflections on his failures and successes, and letters and feedback from other parents and educators.

Holt's basic thesis is that kids want to learn, are natural learners, and will learn more if we recognize that and let them explore their worlds, acting as respectful co-learners instead of bosses. Practically speaking, that means letting them play and playing with them, but resisting the temptation to quiz them on their knowledge or to patronize them. Most resonant for me was his description of kids' learning unfolding from the natural passionate obsessions that overtake them -- it made me remember my best learning moments, like the time when I was 7 and my teacher Bev Pannikar found me reading Alice in Wonderland to myself in a corner of her classroom, and she just let me be, as I branched out from there to book after book, hiding out and falling in lifelong love with reading. Or the time that Brian Kerr found me afire with a passion for math and just let me go at it, working through workbook after workbook to the detriment of my other studies -- I think I was ten. There were other incidents like this, reflecting that passionate, engaged process that unfolds when kids are allowed to work at their own pace (I was lucky to go to a publicly funded alternative elementary school where kids of all ages shared a class and were given a lot of freedom to learn in their own way, with an emphasis on mentoring).

As I worked my way through the book, I found myself scowling, nodding, smiling, even laughing aloud at the wonderful inventiveness of the kids in Holt's life, including supposedly incorrigible or dumb kids -- kids who learned so much on their own, taking the grownups along for the ride, but firmly steering the course of their learning from the earliest ages. I was struck by three passages in particular (reproduced below). I think I'll stick them on the fridge to remind me of how to be a great dad and a great partner in adventure.

The only good reason for playing games with babies is because we love them, and delight in playing these games with  them and sharing in their delight with them -- not because we want someday to get them into college. It is our delight in the baby and the games that makes the game fun, and worthwhile and useful for the baby. Take away the delight, and put in its place some cold-hearted calculation about future IQ and SAT scores and we kill the game, for ourselves and the baby. If we go on for long in this spirit the babies will soon refuse to play -- or if they do, play only in the spirit of school, i.e., because they think we'll be disappointed or angry if they don't...

The child is curious. He wants to make sense out of things, find out how things work, gain competence and control over himself and his environment, do what he can see other people doing. He is open, receptive and perceptive. He does not shut himself off from the strange, confused, complicated world around him. He observes it closely and sharply, tries to take it all in. He doesn not merely observe the world around him, but tastes it, touches it, hefts it, bends it, breaks it. To find out how reality works, he works on it. He is bold. He is not afraid of making mistakes. And he is patient. He can tolerate an extraordinary amount of uncertainty, confusion, ignorance, and suspense. He does not have to have instant meaning in any new situation. He is willing and able for meaning to come to him -- even if it comes very slowly, which it usually does...

This did not change, as I hoped it might, the way that schools deal with children. I said, trust them to learn. The schools would not trust them, and even if they had wanted to, the great majority of the public would not have let them. Their reasons boil down to these: 1) Children are no good; they won't learn unless we make them. 2) The world is no good; children must be broken to it. 3) I had to put up with it, why shouldn't they? To people who think this way, I don't know what to say. Telling them about the real learning of real children only makes them cling to their theories about the badness and stupidity of children more stubbornly and angrily than ever. Why do they do this? Because it gives them a license to act like tyrants and feel like saints. "Do what I tell you!" roars the tyrant. "It's for your own good, and someday you'll be grateful," says the saint. Few people, feeling themselves powerless in a world turned upside down, can or even wish to resist the temptation to play this benevolent despot.

How Children Learn

https://boingboing.net/2008/09/23/how-children-learn-c.html