#i hate being alive so bad literally nothing is worth being alive but i feel too guilty to kill myself

[findafight]

I love your opinions on r0nance so much. If you ever bring Steve up to the shippers they always start talking about how you can't insert a man into a wlw ship/relationship. As if he isn't integral to both their stories in the show. He's Nancy's ex and they dated for a year and he's Robin's best friend. If he was only one of those things it wouldn't matter, but he is both. And you can't separate them. If it wasn't for Steve, Nancy would have never acknowledged Robin. She didn't know who Robin was in S3 and it's heavily implied that she didn't care and wasn't interested in anything about Robin until she was useful. If Robin wasn't friends with Steve she wouldn't have become involved with the Upside Down, and Nancy never would have noticed her.

thank you! yeah I was writing that answer and thinking "literally so many of my issues with this ship and how it's approached have nothing to do with Steve. woah" though obviously i really hate how poorly robin and her relationship with steve is treated/written within the ship. why make her mean, or purposefully deceitful in a way she knows will be hurtful to her best friend? :( if you have to butcher a character/their relationship with another character for a ship...is that worth it? seems kinda vindictive too like what did power QPR duo stobin do to make ppl want to break them up? they hate to see bad bitches winning XD

I think taking criticism of how the robin and steve dynamic is treated in r0nance fic and saying that people saying those things are just making a wlw relationship about a man is sort of...idk. not insulting but. insincere? about how they care about characters, because like. this is a man whose relationships with these women is deeply influential to who they are and how they met. Robin is Steve's best friend. She wants to combine into an ultimate being with him. She made a crush she had about Steve, she's just going to insert him into her romo relationships and her partners are gonna have to deal with her weird obsession with her bestie! Nancy is his ex! Who cheated on him!! Both of them have history with steve, and that history influences dynamics! If we use rebel robin, she longs to find her people, real friends she can trust and talk to and click with without worrying about being too much. Steve is Robin's person. She puts a great deal of weight on her platonic relationships, and we see that with steve! Her thinking about how her actions would affect him is not centring a wlw relationship on a man it's being a good and loving friend!!

totally agree, Robin and Nancy's relationship with each other is pivoted on steve, because he's their point of commonality! He's the reason they know each other, (and also are alive), and has/had intense and deeply meaningful relationships with both of them, that have helped to informed who all three of them are!

Nancy's relationship with steve is tied to her grief and guilt surrounding Barb, and their involvement with the upside down. Treating it like it didn't mean anything to either of them is a disservice to that year they spent dating. yeah, maybe it wasn't a relationship meant to last, maybe it wasn't good for them or was cliche adolescent first love but it was important to steve, and important enough to Nancy that she stayed in it. tbh disregarding the s4ncy history and how steve loved her happens in a lot of fics, so it's not only a rnce problem, but it's a particularly annoying thorn when combined with steve's bff not caring about it or how he feels about it? doesn't feel like robin to me.

[eriexplosion]

Still thinking about the finale of course and how little sense it makes for the sacrifice to be final because like... all the things people compare it to were people sacrificing for a good reason.

Kanan died on a mission to get Hera out, they succeeded and they rescued her and he died to protect them. He died to protect the woman he loved, the child she hadn't told him about but he might have sensed, and the squad that had become his family. Narratively his death pushes Ezra to the place he needs to be to accept the loss of his parents and resist Palpatine's attempt to make him give it all up to get his parents back. It sets the stage for Ezra to sacrifice himself less fatally in the endgame of the season.

The Rogue One crew died to get the plans to the Death Star out - their sacrifice is the reason A New Hope can even happen and we have the context to see why it's worth it.

Vader sacrifices himself and kills the Emperor and the reason people hate Somehow Palpatine Has Returned is partially because it negates that. We know the impact of the sacrifice.

But look at Tech's decision to drop. If he dies here then he dies to save his family... on a mission he insisted they go on in the first place, where they did not accomplish their goal to track Hemlock and they did not figure out where Crosshair was being held. And immediately after they literally crash anyway and Omega almost dies. This instantly puts them to Ord Mantell where they get betrayed and Omega is captured.

But what about character arcs? Surely it had some kind of payoff for the character decisions? Well, Hunter wants to go back to Pabu. Understandable. He also wanted to do that anyway because he thought this was too risky a way to try to get Crosshair back (turns out he was right) so Tech's sacrifice didn't change his direction. Wrecker and Echo are still pretty much on the same trajectory. Omega is sad but her actions to get her brothers back are exactly the same as what she would have done prior.

And unlike the other examples, that's the end of the season, if they have a narrative planned to redeem this we aren't going to see it for a while and the fact is still that if he dies here then he dies as a result of his own decision to push to take this risk and find Crosshair, creating a situation where if he hadn't been so eager to save someone he would still be alive, Omega wouldn't be captured, and they would still have the opportunity to save Crosshair another way.

His death moves nothing forward, changes nothing except to make life harder for the heroes, and doesn't motivate any of them in a direction they weren't already heading in. It's also given no narrative time to breathe before we're thrown into the Omega captured and has a sister subplot. It would be pure shock value in a way that these writers are better then. But a fakeout that moves him into place for a third season narrative payoff? Then we're getting somewhere and the lack of time devoted to the Aftermath makes sense.

Like I've written a lot of things about why I think Tech is alive but when it comes down to it, I think it's the better narrative decision and I don't actually think the writers are bad enough at their jobs not to be able to convincingly make a main characters death feel important.

[kaleuh]

I feel absolutely pathetic.

Here I am, laying on a nice little beach near my apartment. The sky is blue, the clouds are water colored in the distance, the sun is still so warm despite it being almost 8pm. The moon is bright and rising. No one is bothering me, people around me are enjoying the day, and on my back staring up at the sky from the sand, all I can think about is bursting into tears. For no reason. The future maybe? The present? The past? I don’t even know what period of my life I’m crying about anymore. There’s no reason for it. I should be happy. Am I broken? Sometimes I think, maybe I did some fae deal that I don’t remember to take away and take on the sadness other people feel, and that’s why I’m like this now. When I think about it that way at least it’s something. At least it’s for something. This current sadness is so pointless. It’s nothing and worth nothing. It’s hard to feel the little happinesses day by day when I can barely feel anything outside of emptiness. And that’s the pathetic part, really. People would kill to be in my shoes with the things I do have. I live in a beautiful place with a loving partner and plenty of friends and a job that I don’t hate. People are out there dying in war and famine and I’m just like Ohhhh the sun she won’t talk to me, ohh the sky won’t answer my calls, boooohooooohooo meanwhile I can literally do beach yoga before going to work, which I can literally be naked for if I wanted to and eat and listen to whatever while I do it. But is that all happiness is now? Eating and sleeping and noise? What did I lose? Why did I lose it? What do I do to feel anything now? Is this forever? Is life, “hey you’re truly happy in your young adult years and then after that it’s mediocrity forever?” Am I just bored? It could be that I am just severely, severely bored. Could you imagine? If the past few years spent feeling this way was actually just because I haven’t had real adventures in a while? I wouldn’t be surprised, but then what would I need to do? Where would I need to go? And for how long? If that would even help. The only time I feel anything is Once per week where I am pretending to be a 20 year old boy named Trey Dolton who attends a college in east Texas. That guy feels everything. But it’s good. It means a part of me is still alive, and plays basketball now for some reason. This is where all the lost things went, I guess. When the campaign ends in a few months I literally don’t know what I’m going to do. I might not feel anything, or only bad things. It’s been nice. To have a part of myself be real again, the part that I miss, even if that part is now a hyper emotional jock. I wish I could talk to him. This post sucks. I guess the whole game has been a weird therapy for me without realizing. I wish he could sit next to me. He’d go, “Yo it is SO nice out right now,” and then endlessly talk about all the nice things he sees and then he’d ask if I wanted to “dribble those nasty courts” to which I’d say I Don’t Know How to Play Basketball Trey and then he’d say “I’ll show you!” And then the entire game he’d keep getting distracted by how pretty the sky is and then maybe he’d talk about God since he’s a pretty avid Christian but fuck it, I’d love a reason, any reason, to be able to look up and think, “look at all that was made for us” again

that actually helped a little

[akatiuspielinki]

So I have had my three weeks of vacation from work and I am still very tired mess that does not feel rested and ready to return to work

Also I am feeling bad, sad and tired even after just being alive and breathing but also I have missed my appetite and every food just feel like... njah... and like I can't eat them. I literally opened the Foodora app to check if there's any food I could order and nothing felt like I could eat it.

Also I am in waiting mode because my new sofa is supposed to be coming this week and the courier company is going to call me before that. And also my kitchen sink is having problems and I have messaged the repairment company for that today. So I need to wait for TWO calls. So knowing me, I can't do anything or even go to the toilet because "what if they call me at that moment????"

Well luckily I have some days off before my first shift but like jgdjkfhgdjg I hate this. Nothing feels like this shit is worth it. I am just too tired for this life and all these things.

(Also my sleep is fucked up since currently I can't go to sleep without melatonin but if I take melatonin I keep waking up during the night even MORE than I usually do. And also no matter how much or how well I sleep, I still feel tired all the time. And after the corona sickness I feel like I get more easily tired and fatigued, even after just playing games on PC.)

[aberooski]

Can you imagine if Syrus' friends are just as confused as the audience regarding the fact that Syrus never snapped or became evil?

Imagine them being like, "Are you sure you don't want to go apeshit now?" quite a lot of times and Syrus always shrugging like, "Nah, not right now."

Even Zane would be a bit on the edge by the time Syrus is in charge of his recovery.

Honestly Syrus had every right to snap at some point over Zane's treatment of him. Zane treated him so bad for so long that he suffers debilitating anxiety and extremely low self-esteem and self worth. But he never held a single thing against Zane. Honestly no one did for more than a single episode for the purpose of the episodic narrative.

Syrus looks up to Zane so much that he believes everything Zane says about him is right and that he has every right to treat him as poorly as he does. He adores his brother, he loves him and idolizes him and tries so hard to make him proud and after meeting Jaden and start to gain a little more confidence and learn to believe in himself, try to prove Zane wrong.

But no matter what people still see him as being in Zane's shadow. They tackle that in episode 4 season 2: "Sad But Truesdale" one of my favorite episodes btw lol which is really the only time we see him even remotely snap or get confrontational and stand up for himself, or at least it's the first time we see that.

But the thing is, at that point he and Zane have.... sort of made amends, namely Zane telling Sy he proved him wrong about saying Sy didn't belong at Duel Academy and saying he loves him before sacrificing himself to protect him from Camula back in episode 32, but being in season 2, Zane is about to go dark himself. which therein lies the reignited of the big issue.

Because after all of that progress they made, when Zane goes dark he reverts back to not caring about Syrus but even worse than before. Even back in season 1 they try to give you hints that he might actually care about Syrus a little bit not that I believe it for a second, but now he truly doesn't care at all. Not just not caring about Syrus but not caring about anyone. But it really comes to a head in episode 95, when Syrus duels Zane to try and remind him of who he used to be, but also to prove to Zane that he's strong enough to face him and strong enough to be a true duelist. Which only serves to land him in the hospital with Zane just writing him off as weak and just as worthless and weak as he had always said he was before. Just pure emotional whiplash for Sy to deal with after the progress they started making in season 1. I literally wrote an entire one shot about it that episode fucks me up so much and makes me so mad and upset But then there's even more whiplash in season 3 because Zane comes back and protects him in Dark World and helps him work through his conflicting feelings about Jaden, and then after basically bestowing Sy unto Jay:

"You can’t leave Syrus! 😢 He needs a big brother! 😭"

"He's got one. 😌"

LITERALLY SCREAMING CRYING THROWING UP EVERYWHERE STOP I CAN'T

and telling Syrus he's proud of him he says literally nothing to Sy in the sub and I hate that just dies right in front of him.

Boom. More trauma.

And then they back pedal on his death and he's alive again in season 4 and Sy dedicates so much time and effort and attention and love hinto being his caretaker. When he has every right not to. Syrus is too good to be Zane's brother. Zane doesn't deserve him.

I know I've been blabbing on here and, but listen Sy's my favorite ever I have a lot to say akaksk 😂 Syrus had every right to snap at some point, that's my whole point, and the whole point of this whole ask I'm sorry for the whole dissertation happening here akksksk

Syrus needed to have his

Moment at some point. He deserved to get frustrated with Zane, to hold him accountable for everything he said and did to him. I hate that no one ever held anything against Zane and just gave him a pass for his abusive behavior. Syrus can if he wants to, that's his right and his choice but the others shouldn't have allowed it to continue happening and not call him out on it more than the one time Jay did in episode 8 and then just dropped it.

I know if I were his friend I would be very surprised he hadn't snapped ever. I think they all should be surprised, but also at the same time it's just not the type of person Sy is. He gets into arguments and is confrontational with people sometimes it's Hassleberry 9 times out of 10 lol but generally speaking he's very timid and is just content with his situation because Zane has beaten him down so much over the years. If anything they would be more surprised if he did snap or go dark, but I think if he did it would open their eyes to how they contributed to the problem by not actually holding Zane accountable for his actions.

But for the sake of this scenario, I think they might even encourage him to just let loose because holding all that stuff in isn't healthy, but he'd say no even though he definitely would want to deep down.

A real:

Kind of moment if you will. That's what they'd be trying to get him to do, but Syrus not allowing himself to let those feelings out and just having them pile up and fester while putting on the facade that he's okay and isn't angry about everything Zane put him through... yeah I think everyone should be worried and surprised that he hasn't snapped at that point and Zane should be very nervous about Sy taking the role as his caretaker. Because when he finally does snap? All I can say is yikes and good luck because when he finally does allow himself to snap in this scenario I think he would reach a really low spot because he's already there. He would just sink even lower.

They're gonna need all hands on deck to bring him back from that eruption of emotion and pain. Because letting the floodgates open to release that much hurt, I can tell you, not for the same reasons but from being hurt by people before, it's extremely difficult to close those gates again.

And one last point to that end, you know who I think would be integral to saving Sy from that? Chazz. Because he also has horrible and intense older sibling trauma and pain that he's trying to heal from himself, and it's not even all that different from his in some ways. He can understand Syrus's feelings better than anyone, and really sympathize with him and having someone who can even remotely understand his hurt would help Sy so much when he finally does snap. It would be double special too because they never really mixed all that well, but as shitty of a thing to relate to is, this they have in common. And I'd love to see them not like... trauma bond, but trauma bond if you know what I mean aksksk like kinda actually be friends. Because Jaden loves his bestie, but he and the others could only help so much because they know what he's been through, but don't really understand.

Chazz does.

Me currently typing this out:

[cleverthylacine]

I was a very misanthropic and self-hating 12 year old, and that translated well to me at the time being dangerously close to ecofascism. I'm not proud of that fact, but just wanted to chime in that suicidal ideation very much was a part of the equation for me.

<3 <3 <3 I am never going to judge anyone for something they believed when they were 12.

It is part of the job of being a minor who is fighting their way out of childhood to try on and examine and sometimes be very obnoxious about incredibly bad ideas.

I was a libertarian when I was 15, because I thought I should be able to do what I wanted to do (and honestly, nothing I wanted to do at 15 was really that bad, it was just considered age-inappropriate).

It had a lot more to do with being 15 than it did with the kind of person I actually am. There are a lot of things I used to beat myself up about that I did between the ages of 8 and 20 and now I'm just like, wait. we were a child when that happened or we had been adulting for less than 5 years. we literally didn't know any better and for much of that time we were being abused at least insofar as we had to depend on adults.

I feel badly for the people on r/debatemeateaters (as an example) who really do think that life is not worth living--either because Humans Are Terrible, or because Compassion Isn't Baked Into The Universe (for example, everything that is alive has to eat other things that either are alive or recently were alive, and nobody really wants to be on the eat-ee side of the equation).

I wish they would get some help and therapy so they could come to terms with living in a universe that wasn't designed to our specifications or anyone else's.

The ecoterrorists I really hate are the ones who are doing something about it.

The people who go into laboratories and let loose infected lab animals, for example. (Yes, this does happen.)

I am contemptuous of the people who are actually working to make people die. At the same time I am incredibly sympathetic to their depression, but when they are grown ass adults who are taking political action or blowing shit up or whatever, they don't want to hear that. And they don't care if I have sympathy for them, because I eat chicken nuggets, steaks, tinned tuna, etc.

[narwhalandchill]

guys im sorry i swear ill start talking more abt all the positive aspects of 2.0 soon but. welp

(firefly rant TWO!!! now with otto apocalypse. okay not even abt her lol its just ranting about misrepresentations of otto and The Memes being made. iykyk. but anyway. spoilers and all 🫡🫡)

so first of all i dont go there anymore so the lore details might be fumbled a bit but also like the actual fucking disrespect to otto and WHY kallens death had such a massive fucking impact on him when u act like the situation there is anywhere NEAR comparable to the TB and firefly situation in 2.0 💀 "oh its just a meme" well its a BAD one im sorry

like YES otto has or at least had some degree of romantic feelings towards kallen but that was FAR from all she represented to him??? like the entire point is that in ottos eyes over time as he grew more and more cynical ruthless and jaded kallen slowly became less of just. a human being. and started turning into the actual and ONLY personification of all good that is even worth fighting for anymore when it comes to humanity itself.

kallen to otto was the literal representative of hope and humanitys goodness. and yes that degree of idolatry is fundamentally dehumanizing towards her too and disregards her personhood but thats WHY its so fucking interesting. kallen was just a human being doing her best to fight for the people and do good yet ottos perception of her grew into one stained by obsession and defined thru blind worship because NO ONE ELSE but her could convince him there was jack shit to the world worth fighting for

THATS where his obsession comes from. THATS why otto went to the ends of the earth and beyond to resurrect her all the while knowing shed feel nothing but utter horror at witnessing how far he fell just for her. bc kallen has NEVER seen herself the way otto did. kallen wouldve NEVER wanted ANYONE to go through the lengths that otto did (KNOWINGLY in violation of her wishes) for her. because she knew better. but thats not how otto was.

in ottos eyes humanity became fundamentally irredeemable when kallen was first vilifed and sentenced to death and then died sacrificing herself for the very same people who were going to execute her anyway. humanity proved itself worthless by failing kallen. THATS his breaking point thats driving his actions the entire time after kallens death and why hes willing to commit all and any sins imaginable to save kallen. because in his mind for a very long time kallen hasnt been just a woman he loved as a friend and as an unrequited crush whose death crushed him just bc omg death grief sad uwu. otto ALREADY had a completely warped perception of the world when kallen was still alive but through her death it all just escalated and turned him into the actually insane madman maniac we know him as. and because humanity already proved itself a failure by betraying kallen as the actual messiah-figure she grew into in his head there was no price too high to force the rest of the world to pay on his way to saving kallen.

so.

is that what fucking firefly represents to TB to these ppl????? the irreversible shattering of the worldview of someone already teetering at the edge of a point of no return??? is "omg crush died sad 😢" how fucking shallow do ppl think ottos core motivation is??? holy shit

ok anyway i swear ill calm down now HSJSJSJSKSKSKDK but like DUDE theres a Reason i actually bawled when that mf died in hi3rd and thats BECAUSE he was so fucking good as a fucked up antagonist BECAUSE he was never omg entitled incel (btw. do ppl like. know kallen rejected his offer of political marriage to save her life when she was already due to execution and that he. completely respected it? like. he let her reject him even when it meant certain death for kallen. i s2g ive seen terminally online kallen f/f shippers on twt act like hes some cishet stalker and i.....😭 like hate on him sure he deserves it but dont smear his name????!??) or anything bland or creepy like that. his worship of kallen and who he built her up to be in the pedestal of his mind is so messed up and toxic and tragic (bc he Actually loved her so much?? beyond platonic or romantic? but in all the wrong obsessive ways??? like its so messy) and genuinely interesting in a way u dont see that often in fiction and im actually mad to see his motivations reduced to waa waa honkai beast stabbed kallen.

like EVEN if you enjoyed and were emotionally invested in firefly and TBs arc. (which is perfectly fair im happy for yall!!!! dont let my hater antics get to u!!!) but do NOT be out there acting they had anything like what ottos fucked up complex around kallen is and was at any point of his life please and thank you. this blonde freak of a man didnt LITERALLY defy the laws of the universe just bc kallen dying made him cRaZY 🤪 it was FAR worse than that. HE was far worse than that. i rest my case

[daz4i]

suicide and general negativity ig

i hate that english doesn't have a good word for מיואש (filled with despair. hopeless? ig) bc this is how i'm feeling fr

there is just. nothing good. and there is so much bad - both BAD bad bc of the war but also mundane bad bc yknow, Life - that i'm getting so overwhelmed i can't handle anything

my whole month is filled with medical shit and there's probably gonna be even more bc i need more tests and they're all just. such a pain to do (it sounds whiny but genuinely i can't handle them. just thinking abt them makes me so anxious bc they all require lots of painful preparation, sometimes for a few days, and they're so gross and require being poked with needles which my medical trauma certainly isn't helping with. and even tho i did so many already they can't find shit and i'm so tired i'm so done with this body

and like. it'd be one thing if i wanted to live. if i wanted to make my life better or thought it was possible. but by now i know it's not and i know i won't so it just becomes infinitely harder. like if i compare life to being in prison, it feels like the warden decided to torture me just for fun to make it even worse

but there is nothing good there is nothing to look forward to bc everything is shit and nothing's worth it and i hate when ppl tell me to enjoy the little things bc there is nothing to enjoy about them either. i can't have most of them anyway. i wish i could. but this shitty ass body and fucked up brain won't let me

there is no future for me i know i'm never gonna amount to anything when i can't even do the most basic shit about being human, literally how am i gonna be able to fulfill my """"potential"""" when i can't even do stuff like eat or sleep normally. when i can't go outside. when i can't handle being around people. when my body crashes and burns after standing for a few minutes or walking for more than a couple hundred meters. what even IS there for me to achieve in such a state. the only win i can have is getting out of bed and it doesn't feel like a win because i don't. want. to live. i have fucking professionals, people getting paid to help me do at least some of these things, and i can't bring myself to even take the first step bc just thinking about it makes me clam up so bad i can't move or talk and everything starts hurting so much more

there's not even. mundane fun. or joy. bc no one i know has time or energy for that. bc that's just what being an adult is ig. not that there's much to do in order to have fun anyway. like i said nothing to look forward to everything is so shit and nothing actually brings me joy anyway and it's not like i can handle being around people enough to help with that

i was not meant to be alive i am not designed to exist and like at this point I'd assume my who knows how many near death experiences may have been the universe trying to correct the mistake that is my existence and for some reason not managing to pull through the final stretch

i'm so tired i'm so done with this i wish i could be killed in some certain quick way bc i can't. i can't handle any of this. this is too much

[iwanttobeseenalive]

8/6/2023 - From me

Killing myself seems more and more appealing every day. I don't want to do this to "make everyone's lives easier" or because "I don't think I deserve to live". It's not the same feelings as before. I think I'm a different person then I was when I wanted to kill myself before.

And I don't mean that in the way that people say "Oh I'm not the same person I was when I was a kid." I mean it literally. I'm a different person. That would explain the poor memory from before I was me. I killed whoever was in charge before me. Or at least shoved her down deep. Just like I did to the first one. The emotional little girl that I killed because she was too sensitive. Too weak. Too annoying.

Now there's me. I have different motivations for wanting to kill myself. A different pain that somehow hurts so much worse but at the same time is so dull. My reasons this time are purely selfish. I'm just so fucking tired. Being alive is so fucking exhausting and it's not worth it.

I feel so worthless. Unwanted. Unloved. Unlike before, I can admit there are people who would miss me. But what I want is not sympathy. Not obligation. Not flimsy attachments. I want to be loved. Pure and simple. All of me. I want someone to see all my little quirks, all my stupid mistakes, all my darkest thoughts, all my pain, and love me anyway.

I want to be held like I'm precious. Not for their perverted self righteousness or self gratification, but because they want to hold me. Because they see me as worthy of that love. I want it so badly. To be held firmly and touched gently and kissed softly. To be admired like I'm worth something. Not to please themselves, but because they think I deserve that.

It hurts so badly. It feels like my very veins scream for it from within me. Begging for that love. That love that I don't feel like I've ever earnestly gotten. There's always been strings attached. Family doesn't count. My parents, as Christians, are obligated to love me. Care for me. Etc. My sister has already shown her hatred for me. ██████ can't give, no, shouldn't give me that love I'm craving. That would be emotional incest on my part. That's not his job. He's my little brother.

"What about ████?" I can't do this to him. I just can't. I think he's already sick of me. He seems adverse to touching me in front of others. My guess is since ████ makes fun of me, ████ doesn't like to act like my boyfriend when Noah is around. (Nah. Even in another fucking country he stills wants nothing to do with you. Kill yourself. 9/16/2023) I think he's embarrassed of me. It hurts. Really bad. ████'s teasing and how ████ does nothing to stop it. Besides avoiding me, I mean. But it's not like I can complain. I tease ████ and ████ sometimes too. I also understand where ████s coming from. He probably regrets dating me. I'm disgusting.

I've ran through all the times I've fucked up around him a hundred times. I do this so often I get sick just thinking about thinking about it. I feel like I've failed him. I feel like I've embarrassed him and made him uncomfortable. He doesn't seem to want to text me or anything. He told me he couldn't text while in Korea and yet has been keeping up his snap score with ███. I hate being jealous. I don't deserve to be. I'm lucky he even agreed to date me.

I am not a big factor in his life. I am not someone he often thinks about. I am not someone he'd go out of his way for. I am not his priority. It's obvious. And it hurts. But I don't deserve any of those titles. Those titles are for those who are loved. And I am not. And I don't think I ever will be. Not in the way my very soul craves. Not by anyone human, at least. Basically, ████ deserves better, and I think he finally realized that.

Not to mention how fucked up I am. He doesn't deserve to have someone with a broken heart and mind. I don't think he fully understands the extent of my anxiety or how it affects every facet of my life. I'm not sure if he'd want to stick around if he did. Heck, I'm not even sure he wants to stick around now. (He doesn't. I don't know how you ever thought anyone would. 9/16/2023)(He didn't lmao. Dumped yo ass. 2/15/2024)

He told me to seek professional help. I probably should. Or at least say something about this to someone. But where do I even begin? Most of my fears are probably irrational. And even if they are, the burden I feel is still there. The appeal of taking my own life is still there. I don't know where to go from here. Marriage? In my dreams. College? I don't care. Career? Not sure and don't really care anymore. The future? Not sure I'll see it.

I'm just really tired. I don't feel the foreboding 'Death before 16" thing anymore. But thing is, I wish I did. I want to die. I'm so tired. So, so tired.

[oveliagirlhaditright]

Well, I finished the Wicked Willow series.

And I really, really enjoyed it. I don't really know how to rank it amongst the other Buffyverse tie-in books, however. Because right out of the gate, a large part of me would probably say that this is some of the best that they have to offer. But I don't really know if that's really fair, since this is an AU series. I don't know. It's sometimes hard to pit things against each other and rank them. But nonetheless, this series is well worth it and something I'd definitely recommend, I think. Especially for anyone who maybe loves Buffyverse AU ideas, or wanted more of Dark Willow or anything like that.

However, about the third book... and SPOILERS from here on out.

I don't think I'm a fan of it ending exactly the way that S6 did. I think I get what the author was going for with it: that when it finally became clear to Willow that she couldn't resurrect Tara (that was what she was determined to find some way to do this entire series, and what was the first step that made it an alternate universe), that then led to Willow wanting to destroy the world--ala canon--and then everything else falling into place that exact same way.

But I don't know. I just don't think it works. I feel Willow had gone way too far here for them to forgive and forget, like they did in S6 (and I was already starting to think that that with the second book, but then the third one made things way worse).

She fucking had a demon eating Giles, Xander, and Dawn alive! For days! For a minor offense! (And those parts... oh boy. Maybe I'm just green. But I actually wasn't expecting this series to go that dark, and those segments made me really squeamish. And we have quite a few scenes of it. And I could definitely see quite a few people having major issues with that whole thing: like needing Trigger Warnings because of it, maybe not being able to read or finish the book because of it, etc.

And, yes: Willow saved them in the end and even healed them, but not because she wanted to or even remotely felt bad about it: just because it was part of the deal to get Tara's spirit back and then because Tara asked her to.

And this was even the "last straw" with everyone when it came to Willow, where suddenly they realized she really would seriously hurt and/or kill them--almost had!--and they could just forgive and forget, and sweep her actions under the rug, like they'd wanted to, and that she needed to be stopped... and then that almost gets retconned with the ending.

I also wasn't big on Oz and Spike just suddenly disappearing, with absolutely no explanation (the book literally says that they disappeared, and no one knows where they went), just so the ending can literally be exactly season six, where they weren't there. That just feels like such a waste. I really felt like they were building to something with them--and damnit, these two deserved a confrontation with Willow, at the very least, after what she did to them for a very long time: keeping them chained up as her pets. Oz perpetually in his wolf form, which she knew he would hate and Spike after he's insane in getting his soul back--but in this last book, they really just feel like an afterthought, after they're finally freed (it almost seems like they were only pets at all, just to show how evil/threatening Willow was and also show that she was lonely). It's a shame.

If nothing else, I love the god that Willow summoned to bring Tara back for her not doing that, and then beating the crap out of her--almost similarly to what she did to Giles, Xander, and Dawn, and pointing that out--and telling her how selfish she is, and that she was nothing compared to the heroine that she was comparing herself to (that had brought her lover back in this way). Oh, and that she'd unknowingly bound the Ghost of Tara to herself, when the Ghost of Tara longed for eternity (very similarly to how she'd ripped Buffy out of heaven), and she couldn't even see that in her short-sightedness. Classic. (This whole thing reminded me of Valentine, at the end of the Mortal Instruments series, summoning an Angel, thinking it'll do his bidding and say he was right all along... only for the Angel to strike him down and say he disgusts him... pretty much what happens here. Actually, the god also says that Willow disgusts him).

I should also be clear that I love Willow Rosenberg normally. But not in this series. She's the worst here. And I know that's the point... except they still tried to redeem her at the end, but I just don't think it works in this AU, where they made Dark Willow way, way worse than S6 canon.

Yeah...

Edit: And I know that Willow's grieving, but that still doesn't excuse it!

Edit 2: At the very least, I feel like she should have gone to prison like Faith did, since I think she'd definitely done worse than Faith at this point. Hell, Angelus too, I think. Though some of this may be up for debate. I definitely think she actually beat them both out (talking S2 Angelus here, btw), but maybe someone else has read these books and feels differently, and that would be fair.

[artsandlit]

What to me is a consistent aspect of so-called identity politics is that they fixate on broad demographics to a fault, and seem to negate the individual altogether. The big ones are gender, sexual orientation, and of course race. Though we are told now that race doesn't exist, so perhaps skin color.

If you're a bisexual Asian female, that, it seems, is WHO you are. Presumably identical and interchangeable with all other bisexual Asian females. Straight black female, gay white male. Everyone goes into a series of labeled boxes, and that label is your identity. If the individual exists at all within these categories; unique genetic makeup, experiences, thoughts, feelings, values, beliefs, and conduct, those facets are apparently negligible. What matters is color, gender, and sexual orientation.

This is very similar to the supplanting of words, like person, with the corporate marketing handle of "consumer." It emphasizes your worth in supporting corporations. Buying stuff is all the identity corporate America will afford you because that's what matters from their perspective. Where there were once human rights, there are now consumer rights. Where there were people, there are now targeted marketing groups. Demographics. Maybe that underlies "identity" politics. Perhaps to a large extent unconsciously if not entirely outside of conscious awareness. And that approach is likely to be successful in a nation that seems to accept being reduced to *consumers* without batting an eye.

Along these lines, I created a hypothetical situation for a thought experiment on Quora. I have no doubt that systemic racism exists, though I think a lot of other things exist, too. My primary question is whether people believe systemic racism is uniform across the population. Is it absolute and identical in every individual and family in every corporation, company, academic institution, and other organization in every rural location, town, city, county, and state? Regardless of the cultural and political climate and racial composition of different regions and populations?

I suggested a 30 year old neo-Nazi in the deep south versus a newborn infant to far left, "woke" parents in liberal San Francisco. Both white of course. A respondent downplayed the neo-Nazi. That kind of overt racism apparently isn't the issue anymore. Or at least not the focus. They also said the white newborn in San Francisco is, in fact, a racist, thanks to the modern miracle of the notorious systemic racism.

If a newborn is capable of racism it could enter the arena of abortion debate. At what point is a caucasian fetus racist? At conception? When there's a heart beat, when it still has gills? Which trimester does the racism set in? I wish I had thought to ask about a culture of caucasian skin cells kept alive in a pitry dish. Are they racist, too?

This all-encompassing definition of racism doesn't require any ill will, judgment, bad intent, behavior. or animosity. Only white skin. And the type of visceral conscious racism driven by hostility and intolerance is apparently nothing. Which entitles black people to be as judgmental and hateful as they like with impunity even as it condemns all white people regardless of what and who else they may be, in addition to their skin color.

It has been asked why any white people are meddling in the black experience of racism. Because blacks are not the only people to exist and its claimed, through systemic racism, that they cannot be racist and that literally all white people are racist. I inquire because it's about us, too, God forbid.

In the apparent non-existence of the individual in both corporate marketing, (obviously couched in the idea that their products determine your true identity), and identity politics, in that particular respect they line up with cult dynamics.

"I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character." Martin Luther King Jr.

[casliveblog]

Custom Toonami Block Week 123 Rundown

Inuyasha: So a lot of stuff happens this episode, Naraku collapses Mt. Hakurei and goes out to see Kikyo while Inuyasha takes it upon himself to dive into the depths of the mountain to save Koga as it falls apart beneath him. It’s nice for Inuyasha just to offer to go save Koga without much prodding because just because he hates his guts doesn’t mean he wants him to literally die. They get out okay even though Koga has to make the last save while half dead and then the fight some more, luckily nothing important’s going one while we’re having this discussion. Meanwhile Kikyo’s dead, yeah well not really but sorta, Naraku reveals he orechestrated a whole arc’s worth of zombie hitmen and demon mountain priests just to eject his simp side for Kikyo and murders her, except because Naraku’s a fucking Bond Villain he just decides to stab her and throw her in a poison bath which admittedly SHOULD kill her but we never see her die and spoilers but she survives this somehow for some reason because the plot still had like 10% of her character arc left. Sesshomaru comes down like ‘wow that was a stupid reason to send us all running around’ and slices down Naraku but since the dude legit doesn’t have a heart anymore it’s like cutting a deli platter and he can also do the ‘no u’ attack and fires Tokijin’s blast back at Sesshomaru. Luckily Sesshomaru is OP as fuck and tanks his own blast to slice the 20% of Naraku that was left in half again and Naraku’s all ‘I’m not dead so I win, hahaha’ and runs away. Inuyasha comes up and asks Sesshomaru what happened and he’s all ‘idk Naraku wanted to kill some bitch named koyoyo or something I just got here’ and Inuyasha’s like ‘wait you just let him murder people?’ and Sesshomaru’s all ‘not my problem bitch, if you want her to be alive go save her your own damn self instead of arguing with your wolf boyfriend’ and this would all be a lot more meaningful if Kikyo actually died from this, like I feel like that was originally the plan to make the Mt. Hakurei arc feel climactic but realistically we barely changed the status quo at all like Naraku gets a new form that’s supposedly stronger but we rarely see that and we get The Baby which means this is technically the start of the last big arc of the main series since The Baby and Hakudoshi do survive until The Final Act (though saying that there’s still A LOT left it’s really a needlessly long arc).

Yu Yu Hakusho: So we’re at the end of this part of the Stand Users arc, we’re confronted with four sets of stairs which isn’t technically the same deal as in Hunter x Hunter but still feels kinda similar to the end of one of the exams. There’s some good banter and everybody teasing Hiei for being such a dumb fuck in the last game and they put on these Spirit Stickers that actually don’t end up being plot relevant since the bad guys can get around them. But yeah turns out Yu Yu Hakusho invented Among Us and Yusuke has to tell which of his friends is the most sus or else the real one dies. (Ngl the way the guy in the dub says “Impahsta” is really funny even without the meme) we get a bunch of questions that are basically a bunch of gags about how Kuwabara doesn’t know Yukina’s Hiei’s sister yet and how we almost got Botan’s boob size but most of it goes nowhere and Yusuke just kinda takes a hunch and punches Kuwabara because it’s always Kuwabara falling for dumb shit. Turns out he’s right and oddly enough the Stand User that can copy Kuwabara exactly even down to his spirit signature apparently still needs to borrow his clothes for it to work. Anyway turns out this was all a ploy by Genkai to train the group’s brains because not everyone’s gonna be a ridiculously buff DBZ villain that gives you a five page essay on how their powers work and they’re gonna need training to fight Stand Users since the REAL enemies are coming and they’re trying to make a hole to the demon world because I guess that’s the only villainous motivation anyone has in this world.

Fate/Apocrypha: So we get an episode all about the world’s most adorable mass murderer Jack the Ripper, starts out with a dude begging to die but also begging to not have his heart crushed so idk bro kinda mixed signals. Turns out Sieg is also slowly dying… well I mean he was already slowly dying but now he’s slowly dying slightly faster because Siegfried’s trying to subconsciously take over his body and has basically become his Hollow Ichigo at this point. They go out to find Jack the Ripper but because it’s an essential part of the legend that Jack the Ripper was never identified they’re all like ‘idk some dude I guess, definitely not a loli in panties’ which doesn’t exactly come up because the only time she pops up is when she’s already about to kill someone. Turns out whatshisface can Inception the dead guy and turns out the dead guy’s last memories were of… dying, so that’s not fun for anyone. But they find out Jack has all the security codes for the alarm which idk why they needed that given everyone’s already on high alert when she gets there because of the giant death fog like I’d think that was alarm enough idk what we needed the defense forces for. But yeah Jack wants to kill wheelchair girl cause… I mean I guess Team Yggy is already half dead anyway so might as well? Like by that logic you might as well just let the teams fight more because at that point if you kill of all of Team Yggy you still have to deal with full power Team Shiro by yourself but idk maybe tragic rich girl hearts taste better or something. There’s a fight and we get some horror movie drama out of wheelchair girl losing her wheelchair and scrambling for her Doc Ock legs and only just getting to them before she gets capped anyway and Sieg has to save her and then Chiron has to save Sieg before he goes all Hollow Ichigo and Jack’s just like ‘well damn this was a poorly thought plan, not gonna fight four main characters at once’ and dips out. And so basically nothing of value happened this episode.

Speed Grapher: So this episode’s really kind of interesting like it’s technically a clip show but it’s framed as a Tax Audit and each clip gives a net gain or loss of income so we get numbers for the dues money and the damages caused in Saiga’s fights as well as each individual Euphorics’ outstanding balance honestly that’s kind of a really cool way to do a clip show, it’s no FMA Brotherhood but it does keep things interesting by adding a balance to everything and showing how the income of the Tennouzu Group and the Roppongi Club absolutely dwarf how much they’ve spent chasing Saiga and covering up all this shit. We do get a couple new pieces of information, we get to see a character development moment for Suitengu where he lets a little girl buy off her father’s debt with monopoly money and then demands it be added to the real taxes which is kind of funny and an odd contrast to him murdering a guy in front of his son for not paying up in the first couple episodes. Also we get a little more info on Suitengu’s plan to use pharmaceutical deregulation thanks to government bribery to slip a inhibition-lowering stimulant into the common over the counter medicines and basically make the whole country low-level Euphorics with none of the superpowers but all the deranged animinalistic pleasure-seeking which makes them very willing consumers and addicted to the drug itself which is… sadly only slightly a fantastical stretch. We also learn that the leitmotif song for Saiga’s war days is an actual in-universe song from a point where he was buried alive in a lab and another guy was buried with him and they only communicated by playing the music box with that song in it to stay sane until help arrived. And since Suitengu is seen with the music box it’s heavily implied to be him. Also Saiga’s like ‘wait maybe the time I was buried alive in an explosion in a bioweapon lab was when I contracted the Euphoric carrier strain’ and it’s just like ‘yeah dude of course it was what the fuck’ like you’d think the time he almost died in a bioweapon lab would’ve been the first instance he thought of when asked that question.  

Durararax2: It’s the climax at long last and shit is GOING DOWN, Celty put a stop to the gang wars and zombie wars and Mikado’s attempt to shoot himself in the head by putting her shadows all over the city and tying everyone up. Shizuo and Izaya continue fighting and ngl Izaya kinda gets sucker punched a couple times by being distracted by Simon’s flashbangs and getting stabbed by Varona but really there was no way he was winning this fight like he’s doing like 0.5% damage to Shizuo with each slice and all it takes is one hit to knock him into next week so the only way Izaya was coming out on top is if he got Shizuo to kill him and do the whole Batman-Joker thing but Varona stabs Izaya before he can do that. Celty confronts Mikado and Masaomi who are joined by Seiji and Anri’s group and she’s like ‘yo I’m a dullahan I gotta go do dullahan shit but yeah sorry about inadvertently starting a gang war’ which is kinda funny because Mikado’s sitting there like ‘man I’m the one who caused all the problems’ and Celty’s like ‘no I’M the one that caused all the problems’ and neither of them are completely right sometimes crazy shit just happens. And then Shinra shows up and Celty keeps a poker face but it’s clear she’s being selective about what she’s pretending to remember since she knows Mikado’s whole backstory but claims not to recognize Shinra at all. So yeah it’s pretty clear she has both sets of memories back and is just trying to play a hardass supernatural creature to make it easier for everyone to let her go which is funny because that’s basically what Mikado said he was doing when he tried to become the villain, it’s like someone made a theme or something when writing this wow. Anyway Shinra gets thrown into the air by Shizuo and cuts off Celty’s head again with his own Saika because everyone gets a Saika now I guess which idk why severing it’s necessary except to keep the head in play as a plot device for Namie and Seiji since it’s clear Celty does still have all her memories and chooses to stay in Ikebukuro even if souls don’t get to go to Valhalla or whatever. The Raira trio and Saki are laughing about how they all almost died tonight and are gonna share stories of how they’re all gang leaders and/or supernatural anime swords when Takashi runs up and stabs Mikado like five times. Meanwhile Kadota’s group recognize Takashi as the dude that ran Kadota over so Saburo gets to do his one plot relevant thing and run Takashi’s ass over so Haruna can kidnap him and bring him into her SAW sex dungeon thing, she calls and lets her dad know she’s alright first so it’s okay I guess. Man this series really has a thing for ‘they’re happy in this fucked up relationship so it’s fine’ like idk how long Haruna’s gonna be able to mutilate her teacher before he just fucking dies and is gonna come back to her dad covered in blood or with a severed head on a boat like the end of School Days or some shit. Also Kasane remembers we never finished the plotline of Ruri’s stalker so she knocks him out and pins all of the Hollywood murders Ruri did on him to both save her and remove from play her martyr complex shenanigans. Seiji and Mika are gonna go chase after Celty’s head in the US and Namie’s gonna work with Shinra’s dad doing… idk evil pharmaceutical shit prolly working for Suitengu from back in the Speed Grapher review. Izaya’s half dead and wants nothing to do with Ikebukuro anymore and is taken away by the two people that don’t want to actively kill him in the entire city, Kinda funny his whole motivation was to be carried away by a valkyrie during a war of his own making and now that he finally gets his wish and would potentially be a martyr he just wants to get the fuck out of dodge because he couldn’t drag anyone down with him and didn’t get to have Celty take him to heaven or whatever. Varona says goodbye to Shizuo and goes to clean up her Russian Mob mess though she promises to return to fight him again… with words, because ain’t nobody beating Shizuo in a fistfight and Varona no longer has a death wish. Aoba’s working on being Izaya 2.0 but Mr. Akabayashi tells him to stay the fuck away from Mikado while he does it or else the real mafia will be on his ass and the Orihara sisters plug the chat room one more time and I realize those two kinda didn’t do anything the whole story like there was absolutely no point to them except to be ridiculously cute which hey they succeeded. Celty goes back to life with Shinra and Mikado wakes up and presumably tells Anri and Masaomi what’s up with him, all the while noting that he’ll take life for what it is because whether it’s crazy or ordinary it’s real and it’s his and there’s value in that. What a nice message to end on, that’s really kinda cool, this series does kinda have a problem with climaxes not actually changing anything like that status quo for the show is basically the same throughout except for adding more character and they kinda do this thing where it seems like shit has happened but nothing’s really changed and they still KINDA do that here but Mikado’s good with his life, gang wars are done for now, Izaya’s gone (possibly dead but definitely left) and everyone gets an ‘the adventure continues’ kinda ending, ngl I woulda liked some more finality for some of these stories but for what it is this kind of story is just kind of a snapshot of various lives that keep going. Also like… is everyone just still possessed by Saika? Like half the fucking city got cut and we never resolve that, Sloane got possessed and he’s just fine in the end like it seems to be something you can turn off and not notice but like thousands of people are just subconsciously part of this hive mind now I guess.

Anyway I’ll probably do something light for the next week or so and figure something out to do a Valentine’s Marathon for that weekend and after that I may look into some new shows after I see what regular Toonami is replacing Yashahime and Made in Abyss with, might look into Jujitsu Kaisen, Spy x Family or Chain Dude Saw Guy depending on what they pick up.

[daz4i]

venting under the cut, tw suicide

ough i kind of haven't stopped thinking abt how much i want to die since i woke up. literally even before i fully got out of bed i was already imagining myself jumping off the balcony and trying to calculate if it's worth the risk. i want to die so bad lol it seems like the better my mental health supposedly gets the more despair i feel about how I'll never have a life worth living. i truly feel like i have no choice but to die as soon as i can and i wish i wasn't such a coward i wish i could just slit my own throat already, that i could drown myself, or get run over etc. i just want everything to stop. there's no point in any of this even if i somehow manage to feel better. i hate myself and i hate being alive and at this point nothing's gonna change that. I'm more depression than person really

[weabooweedwitch]

I just. Hate that anything I've ever experienced or struggled with will always be used against me to invalidate my worth and my character. Was arguing with my mom and im fucking 25 and she has to bring up when I was in fucking high school and "oh when you were going to this school they said you were the most negative child they'd ever seen and all you did was complain"

I was.... an extremely depressed and suicidal child... I was literally starting to attend a school thst was known for being "for bad kids" because they were known to teach in alternative ways to help children with troubled backgrounds and mental illness... I was starting to not even go to school at all because of how extremely depressed I was and I would up dropping out completely...

The fact that I'm still a very. Broken and traumatized adult and I'm being blamed for things that happened to me as a child? That that's used against me, that I was an extremely depressed child? That i was depressed my entire life? That i was beaten and hit as a child and it changed me forever and now that just makes me a monster???

I'm just. I'm a permanantly shitty person I guess. If nothing I've ever done has ever been good enough, if me being suicidal is me "being manipulative", then I don't think my life has any value or ever did even once

Just any time I make a mistake it gets added to the list of things I'm a failure for. Oh you were such a negative child, oh you were always threatening to kill yourself, oh you tried to have a hobby and spent money on all those pokemon cards, oh you used to draw violent drawings in school almost 20 years ago, oh you stopped brushing your teeth because you thought you'd be dead before you got cavities

It feels like she's just been keeping score my entire life. She says she's there to support me but the second we fight, she lists things all the way back from when I was practically A BABY, just item after item of why I'm so stupid or lazy and I should've done more and how so and so is MY FAULT

I just. I've gotten in the habit of carrying my pills/boxcutter around with me and sometimes I sit and PRAY and fantasize that I will have the courage to. Change something. Be different. Be worthy. Or at least if my life never mattered to at least be dead

I just. I'm really starting to wonder. If I should take this trip to Canada. See those friends. Have one last little adventure. Have one last thing to look forward to. And then just. Do what I should've always done.

But it's stupid right? I'm just upset and I'll cry and feel better tomorrow and then feel guilty for freaking out and being human and worrying people. And this will happen again. And again. And again. And again. And torturing myself over every little thought and feeling for every single day that I breathe. But hey "I'm still alive" right. Nothing could be worse than not existing at all, right. What a joke. That's so funny

[horce-divorce]

OK I found something delta 8 is actually good for. So, when I'm having a REAL bad MALS flare, it hurts to be hungry as much as it hurts to eat. Like, my stomach growling literally causes so much pain that it makes me panic as much as eating does.

weed is the thing that gives me an appetite. the ONLY thing. my body doesn't produce a natural appetite anymore, just nausea and pain, thus why I can't eat w/o an appetite stimulant (cannabis). the munchies literally keep me alive.

except for when I'm already flaring, like right now. I've barely been able to eat solid food for a week, and even liquids hurt. Even breathing hurts. I'm so nauseous I can't even sit upright. I'm dizzy, my head is fuzzy, and im in a constant state of presyncope.

If I smoke weed right now, I will actually get so hungry it'll be counterproductive. Because right now, I'm not feeling my hunger. My body is starving, but as long as I don't smoke, I don't feel that hunger, and the hunger pangs don't start.

As soon as I smoke, a week's worth of near-starvation is going to hit me all at once, and my stomach will he ROARING with hunger, and it will hurt so bad and make me so nauseous just to breathe that I won't be able to get up and eat; instead, i panic from the level of utterly relentless pain im in, my HR spikes and i get an adrenaline dump bc my POTS already flares when my MALS does, and then I crash and pass out. I know because that's what happened last night, and countless times before.

So I've been avoiding weed today because I'm so hungry that I'm terrified to feel it. Which means I get no relief for my other symptoms either. (I'm aware that it's counterproductive not to eat, MALS is infuriating.)

But the thing is, d8 doesn't make me munchie the way weed does, it's part of why I don't like it. But one thing d8 does better than weed is nausea control. It does almost nothing else. I do get some level of cbd effect from it, but I need a thc-type component with it or it doesn't work. Most of the time d8 just makes me Not Nauseous and nothing else. There's like a smidgen of pain relief but not much.

But today, I REALLY needed the nausea and cbd effects without getting "high" or hungry, (I don't get high anymore but know. The other effects besides nausea control) and the d8 is actually helping a lot. Its rather gentle compared to weed, which normally I hate, but today it's perfect. It's not making me hungry, which is actually making it possible for me to walk around and like, drink my milkshake without it making my nausea worse, because my stomach isn't going "HOLTFUCKIGJSHIYIMSYARVINGFEEDMENOOWOWWWWWWWWW" and then not being able to handle it/instantly barfing it back up when I do.

The downside is that both of them make me cough, which is also incredibly painful right now, and edibles don't work for me, so most of those are out. If I can suck on it/dissolve it in my mouth, I'll get something out of it, but even then it takes 100s of mgs to get me to the dose I need, and most edibles only come in 100-200mg packs because for a rec user thats several doses.

And that's all a moot point rn anyway because we can't go to the dispo lmfao. We need to be back in Michigan for so many reasons. When I have consistent access to weed these episodes happen much less frequently, bc I can more consistently keep myself on solid food. Not always, but much more consistently. Would also be great if we had a home and like, a safe and sanitary kitchen we could use for our needs but I guess that's asking too much

[prime-wars]

Hello! It's funny how CDRW is kinda loved in this part of fandom, but in the part where I usually hang out (it's mostly this Russian social network which is used by people from neighboring (CIS) countries) people actually dislike it! <:D but it's almost always for weird reasons like "this relationship teaches us that ab//se is good" because they think that Rewind manipulates Chromedome, and CD is literally a victim of Stockholm syndrome. It's all because of Dominus. I mean. Fair?? But I don't believe that media always has to teach its readers about something and that showing various types of relationships is not that bad (and CDRW has never been that ab//sive, like, there IS love there). But yeah, I think this ship would have benefitted it if CD and RW got into a relationship throughout MTMTE/LL and not like centuries before because seeing how RW is searching for Dominus can make it hard to believe that they are husbands. Maybe they could have portrayed their love more explicitly. Because, tbh, all I can remember from their talks was "Dominus Dominus Dominus". xDD And on that note it would have been interesting to see more of them on their own being their own characters - it was portrayed in the first season of MTMTE, but then it happened less and less. I mean. CD didn't even talk with Brainstorm about time accident, what? Are they mad at each other or something???

HI!! im so sorry this took me ages to get around to, but that's so interesting!!!! i wonder about like, the possible reasons that might have happened... like in this case, maybe the cultural differences between american and russian people that leads one group of people to adore a pairing so much while another hates them. its always one of my favorite things to talk about in bigger fandoms!

and i can kinddd of see where theyre coming from re:the whole abuse thing with cdrw. its definitely really weird for rewind to be so dedicated to his ex-husband (who he hasn't seen for millions of years in canon at this point) to the point where chromedome feels that he isnt even rewinds "real" husband; just his placeholder until rewind finds dominus. it's genuinely a really interesting dynamic, if far from a healthy one. i really wish we got to see more of the drama of that, instead of them just reconciling after dominus' death and putting the massive elephant in the room behind them like nothing ever happened.

ESPECIALLY because it would create such an interesting like, almost juxtaposition between the two. the whole contrast of rewind, who remains so dedicated to his past love that he pushes on in his search for him past the point of reasonable doubt of his still being alive, vs. chromedome, who is so devastated by the reality of his loved ones' deaths that he removes any trace of them ever existing from his life, including all memories and emotions that he ever felt towards them. like, god!!! it couldve been such an interesting juxtaposition to examine, if jro ever gave them more than 5 seconds worth of conflict before they kissed and made up.

i think rewind and chromedome falling in love over the course of mtmte/ll definitely would have solved the problem with rewind's kind of one-sided relationship with chromedome. and i think it genuinely would've been a much sweeter love story; chromedome trying to help rewind recover from the loss of his long dead husband, which he's never had the strength to accept, and slowly coming to terms with his own past in the process... the two of them working towards healing together, instead of the kind of lopsided "chromedome dedicating himself entirely to rewind's past trauma while completely ignoring his own" storyline we actually got would've been a lot better i think.

and also what you mentioned, about them not really being their own characters, is so true!!! i think it's part of the reason im really not that interested in them at all. they dont feel like complete people; like two pieces of the same person, but not in an interesting way. from how much it's implied that brainstorm views chromedome as a really good friend, it seems like it's really not reciprocated at all. (which, with brainstorm's whole thing with quark, is entirely possible and also makes me very sad. brainstorm deserves better 😢) chromedome has no one outside of rewind and acts like he doesnt Need anyone outside of rewind, and the shitty thing is that ll25 kind of validates that? the whole "rewind lives in chromedome's head now" never read as a happy ending to me. they deluded themselves into thinking that they would never need anyone outside of each other, and now they live inside that delusion. just creepy imo.