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#i hate being around people when i'm like this because i hate letting people see me like this
fiamat12 · 2 days
Note
https://vm.tiktok.com/ZGeEEE7Hw/
If every song is an easter egg about L, then explain this ☝️
You asked for it you got it. It's more powerful when you listen to the song and the version Anon provided is great because it has the song playing w/ the lyrics scrolling...
Ok now on to the bones of it:
#1 - This could have no deeper mean. Perhaps N just likes it because she's a CR stan, it mentions Gucci and she was at the Gucci show. I do, however, think N communicates in song and tends to be strategic which leads me to...
#2- N could be giving us another crumb. She keep tracks of sm, and knows that fans suspect L dumped A and is back w/her. The song reflects this sentiment. It talks about someone who is having a meltdown because they're kicked out, has to move back in w/ their parents, is getting called out because they're running their mouth and who is comical w/ the way they've burned bridges. I believe that is about A. But, there's more...
#3- In my previous posts, I talked about no evidence of A living w/ L. I still think she wasn't in the sense of being a live in gf, and I'll tell you why. These lines in particular:
"Wishing you the best in the worst way
Using your distress as foreplay
Six months since April and I'm doing better
No need to be hateful in your fake Gucci sweater"
I believe L friendzoned A back in late March/ early April (I have several previous posts on this) and A didn't take it well. We could see L & N getting closer and A getting more desperate. By papgate, things took a nasty turn; we can only speculate why L had to let A stick around, but it was likely to protect his & N's reputations, w/ A having an expiration date.
#4 - Now, six months later, A has expired and L & N are the ones doing better after whatever she put them through has come to end. Karma has come back to bite A as she tries to get back on her feet and her public image suffers. Thank goodness BTON folk are good ppl and wish her well on her way out... don't we now?!?
#5 - I could be totally wrong! This could be about someone else entirely or no one at all, which one may consider 🤔
Note: I do see there is a lyric about dating 18 yr olds. I don't think it applies as no song perfectly parallels. A is 23 so that would be more her age but I don't think it refers to L or anyone else N has dated since none of the other lyrics align.
Let's hear your thoughts... !!!
Lyrics below ⏬️
https://g.co/kgs/j1CzoDw
We broke up on a Tuesday
Kicked me out with the rent paid
Ruined my credit, stole my cute aesthetic
Who knew that we'd let it get this bad when it ended
It's comical, bridges you burn
If karma's real, hope it's your turn
I heard from Katie you're losing it lately
Moved back with your parents and date girls who are 18
It's hot when you have a meltdown
In the front of your house and you're getting kicked out
It's hot when you're drinking downtown
And you're getting called out 'cause you're running your mouth
Oh, God
And it's coming around, yeah, it's coming around
Yeah, it's coming around, oh, God
Oh, God
People say I'm jealous, but my kink is watching
You ruin your life, you losing your mind, you dyeing your hair
People say I'm jealous, but my kink is watching
You crashing your car, you breaking your heart, you thinking I care
People say I'm jealous, but my kink is karma
Wishing you the best in the worst way
Using your distress as foreplay
Six months since April and I'm doing better
No need to be hateful in your fake Gucci sweater
But it's hot when you have a meltdown
In the front of your house and you're getting kicked out
It's hot when you're drinking downtown
And you're getting called out 'cause you're running your mouth
Oh, God
And it's coming around, yeah, it's coming around
Yeah, it's coming around, oh, God
Oh, God
People say I'm jealous, but my kink is watching
You ruin your life, you losing your mind, you dyeing your hair
People say I'm jealous, but my kink is watching
You crashing your car, you breaking your heart, you thinking I care
People say I'm jealous, but my kink is karma
It's hot when you're going through hell
And you're hating yourself, I'm feeling myself
It's hot when you know that you're caught
And you're getting pissed off, it's getting me off
It's hot, it's hot, oh god, oh god, oh god
People say I'm jealous, but my kink is watching
You ruin your life, you losing your mind, you dyeing your hair (your hair)
People say I'm jealous, but my kink is watching
You crashing your car, you breaking your heart, you thinking I care
People say I'm jealous, but my kink is karma
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victorbutnotreally · 3 days
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Academic Validation - Lee Minho x Male Reader
A/N: i'm back!! heavily inspired by myself. to all the people struggling with their studies, you got this! your grades only define a part of you, a part of you that can be molded however you want.
warnings: thunderstorms, mental breakdown, mentions of dying, unrealistic expectations from parents, min's parents are horrible in this.
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"You have so much potential, Minho! Where's that little boy who's always eager to learn, huh?? You got an A in maths instead of your usual A*. I can't believe this!!"
"Mom, let me-"
"No!! You're in university, for god's sake! Pull yourself together! Stop hanging out with your friends and you better study, young man-"
"I-"
"Or do you not want to achieve anything? Do you want to be stuck somewhere with part time jobs, barely making a living??"
An A is still a good grade, Mom! he wanted to say, but he didn't dare to. He wanted to scream and shout and defend himself, but he wasn't allowed to. The words were just fading echoes in his ears till the sound of the call ending snapped him back to reality.
His parents see his mistakes, but only that. It wasn't an easy exam, and only one person got an A*. But of course, his parents wouldn't understand that, because he used to get full marks for everything without even studying as a child. And even now, he's mostly relying on his memory and math skills. He doesn't know how to study. Why would you know how to study when you're "gifted"? God, he hated that term. He would beam with pride when he got called that till middle school. Things started going downhill in high school, but he picked it up somehow. Mostly to compete with Mn. And now, in one of the most prestigious universities in the world, he was doing well. Very well, actually. But his parents won't understand. Why would they, when their son is "gifted"?
Sobs wracked his body as he threw his phone onto the bed and slid down against the wall. He wished the wall had arms to hold him, since his parents never did. He wished his wall would come to life, talk to him, kiss his hair and wipe his tears away. He sat with his legs to his chest and his arms on his knees, but that wasn't comforting enough. He curled up into a fetal position on the ground as he sobbed. He didn't have friends. He was always alone growing up, and he was fine, since life wasn't so cruel back then. His comfort was being alone, but he wants to be held right now.
He pulls himself up somehow, going to the bathroom to wash his face. He had an image to maintain. The thunder seemed to rattle the windows and the lightning struck. On any other day, he would've admired thunderstorms, but the sounds and the light overwhelmed him at the moment. He opened the door to his dorm room and walked down the hallway. Mn. The only one who got an A* in the maths test. He wanted Mn. Sure, they wouldn't exactly be termed as 'friends', but he's the closest thing Minho has to one.
Mn heard the knock on his door and wondered who it was at this time of the night. It was 1:03. He went up to the door and and looked through the peephole. Minho? He opened the door, and before he could say anything, Minho threw himself into his arms.
"Min-"
The moment he felt those strong arms wrap around him, Minho lost control. He clung onto Mn like a lifeline, burying his face in the crook of his neck. His sobs echoed in the quiet room, his body shaking from the force of his emotions. And to Mn, the sound of his sobs seemed to pierce him deeper than the lightning. He buried his face into Mn's shirt, shoulders shaking with silent sobs. He's never cried like this before, but something about seeing his calm, collected expression makes the floodgates open. The last time he broke down like this was…well, he didn't remember.
"I-I'm sorry," he chokes out between hiccups, voice muffled against Mn's chest. He's too embarrassed to meet those piercing eyes, but at the same time, he craves his warmth and stability. "Just needed someone…"
He takes a deep breath, trying to regain some composure. When he finally looks up, his dark eyes are puffy and red, and filled with vulnerability rare of him. "Please don't think less of me, Mn."
Mn's expression softened, his hand went up from Minho's back to his face, wiping away his tears.
"Of course not…not for this. Come inside," he says, pulling Minho inside the room once he realized they were still in the doorway. The door clicks shut behind them, loud thunder accompanying the sharp sound.
"What happened, Minho?"
The soft gaze, the gentle tone of someone who's supposed to be his rival, opened the floodgates once more. Years worth of bottled up emotions came out at once as he broke down in his rival's arms. Mn could do nothing but rub his back and hold him close. Minho didn't need anything else. He just wanted to be held. Minho's arms squeezed him tighter as his sobs grew louder. He buried his face in his chest so deep as if he wanted to be lodged in his ribcage, right next to his heart.
"They- they think I'm so smart…I'm not…I'm not smart or anything.."
More sobs.
"I can't do this anymore, Mn, I can't…I'll die at this rate. I just wanna disappear and stop worrying about all this."
"Oh, Minho.." Mn felt a strange protectiveness over the boy nestled so comfortably in his arms. His heart felt warm knowing that Minho came to him out of all people, but at the same time, he felt sad, knowing that Minho didn't really have anyone else.
"What if I don't get a job? What if adulting is harder than I thought? What if…what if I don't graduate?"
The last question was followed by hysterical sobs. If it weren't for the thunderstorm, Mn was sure he would've woken up the whole floor with his cries.
"I-I c-can't do this anymore, Mnie…I can't..p-please.."
"Okay..okay..we'll take a break for a while, yeah?"
"C-Can't…have to..study..I have to-"
"Minho."
Minho looked up from Mn's chest, eyes teary and red.
"How long has it been since you slept?"
"I- I don't know, Mn.." He said Mn's name with such softness, such…vulnerability.
Mn reached to wipe away Minho's tears and reached out to grab some tissues for him.
"Here."
Minho shakily took the tissues, mumbling a small 'thank you' as he wiped his face. He slowly got up, his feet somehow being able to carry his weight now as he went to the bathroom and washed his face. He came out of the bathroom to see Mn making tea.
"Y-You don't have to," Minho said, his voice sore and shaky from all the crying.
"Sit down, Min. Talk to me, okay?"
He obediently sat down, quite unusual for him. But right now, he just wants to hand everything to someone else. And he didn't think he'd be so open with Mn.
"I just..I got an A instead of an A*. I wasn't disappointed with it because it was a super tough exam, but my mom called and said a lot of things. Like I'm wasting my potential. I didn't hear the rest, I was so tired. Don't…pity me. Please."
"I won't. I don't. And you're not wasting your potential, okay?," Mn started, handing Minho a cup of tea. "You're one of the best students here. And one slight drop in your grade doesn't make you stupid. Besides, A is such a good grade."
Minho sips his tea, the warmth of the teacup a comfort to his cold hands. He listened intently to Mn's words, as if memorising them. He felt a hand on his shoulder and looked up, a small smile finding its way to his lips.
"You're good enough. I'm proud of you."
"You're good enough." The words rang in Minho's head, louder than the thunderstorm outside. He felt safe. He felt like he could admire it again. He sets down the teacup and hugged him again, pressing a soft kiss to his shoulder.
"Thank you."
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taglist:
@forever-atiny
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parkerloves · 23 hours
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BACK AGAIN || PG10 x Fem!Reader
paring: boyfriend!pierre gasly x actress!fem!reader;
trope: second chance
summary: after a photo with her and her next co-star being way too close for a scene pierre ends up listening to the wrong people until his girlfriend go see him
fc; emily rudd
warnings: mention of cheating even though no one cheats
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A photo had taken over the covers of every magazine that relied on gossip and one name was repeated in every headline: Lovelle Cartier, a young actress known for her contribution to the world of horror and for dating a certain pilot with whom she shared nationality, but this time there was no talk of a new date or a movie, but the photo showed the young actress very much attached to a man who was still unknown.
⠀—Pierre please don't be an idiot and pick up the fucking phone —The young woman mumbled sitting on the bed in her hotel room just before it went to voicemail—
Nothing that was being said about her was even the slightest bit close to reality, and that was exactly why she wanted to talk to the one who had been her partner for the previous two years, even though right now she wouldn't even take a call from him, although on the third try she was able to get an answer.
⠀—Love, don't try anymore.... —Those were the first words she heard from the Frenchman, and the chestnut knew at that moment that he had been crying or at least screaming— I've been trying, I really have, I didn't care about any of your relationships in movies and stuff, but I guess it's true what they say that if you fake something it ends up being real....
Those were the last things Lovelle heard before the sound of the phone call ending reached her ears, causing all the frustration and sadness that had been building up since that stupid picture had started circulating on the internet. But of course Love wasn't going to let it end like that, and she knew she wasn't the only one when the device in her hand vibrated again although this time another name appeared on the screen, and recognizing it she was quick to accept the call and began speaking.
⠀—It's not what you think, fuck Charles... I would never hurt him, you know that.... —She mumbled so fast that she even seemed not to be understandable at certain moments, so she had to be interrupted by her friend—.
⠀ —I know Love, I know... But you've messed up, you know that right? I don't know what happened but don't leave him like this —The young actress had already stood up and had started pacing around the room as she always did when she was nervous and wanted to take the stress off her mind—.
⠀—I'm going to catch a plane, I don't know when I'll get there, in a couple of hours I guess, please take care of him while I go, I can't lose him, not him —She mumbled while her breathing made the pretence of recovering its normal rhythm, without much success—.
⠀—Don't do anything stupid, okay? If you come he's going to listen to you, he can't not listen to you —The girl nodded on the other end of the line and luckily Charles knew the young woman too well to know her reflexes in those situations— I'll wait for you at the hotel yes? I'll pick you up when you arrive
Shee didn't even wait a few seconds before hanging up and going to book the earliest flight she could, without even worrying about the price of it all, and if she already hated airports as usual, now that she only had a fucking image in mind it was certainly worse.
The flight was interminable, especially because in each of the magazines that were on that plane there was that stupid picture next to a more irritating headline that seemed to have been created just to hurt, but luckily that nightmare only lasted two hours before arriving at the Italian peninsula where the whole grid was now.
<<send me the address of the hotel, my cab arrives in 5 minutes>> she wrote in the Monegasque's chat as she didn't even have the patience to wait for it to arrive and smiled when she received that link that he didn't take long to send to the one who would be her driver, arriving at his destination in a matter of less than half an hour.
⠀—Charles, they won't let me into the hotel, I guess they think I'm a fan or something —She didn't even bother to greet the young man as she had her mind occupied with many other things—.
⠀—I'll be right down for you, I left Pierre with Yuki, he already knows the whole situation, and thank goodness he knows you and supports you —Charles luckily didn't take too long to appear on the other side of the door, dragging the young girl inside the building, hugging her when they were both already under the roof, letting her best friend have at least some time to calm down from all that, noticing after a few seconds later his shirt was getting wet on the side of his chest—.
⠀—Can I go see him? Although I don't know if it's the best option.... But if you ask him to come to see me he's not going to do it.... —She murmured still against his friend's chest before he covered his mouth to stop him from talking for a second—
⠀—He's in his room, he doesn't know it, but he needs you now more than ever —He grabbed the young woman's face with both hands to raise his gaze to hers, causing the French woman to only nod—.
As soon as they arrived at the door where Alpha Tauri's drivers were, Charles called Yuki to leave the room but to leave the door closed behind him, and it was at that moment when the fear took hold of the young woman and she flinched for a few milliseconds before the green-eyed man pushed her into the room. 
The image inside broke the young woman's will even more strongly at that moment, for she had only ever seen her boyfriend in that condition, and she would never have allowed herself to be the one responsible for something like that.
But it was then that those blue eyes came out of the hiding place they had found, in the hands of their very owner and would meet the blonde's, generating a grimace of confusion in the boy before it changed to anger.
⠀—What are you doing here? You didn't have to come and you know it, you didn't have to waste your time —She had never heard him address her in that way, but now there was no turning back and he planned to fight for what he wanted—.
⠀—Don't do that please —She took a few steps in the Frenchman's direction although she still kept her distance as she knew she shouldn't push him at that moment— I need you to listen to me, I only ask you for a few minutes and I'll leave later if that's what you want —She murmured feeling once more the blond's blue orbs on her—.
⠀—I shouldn't be giving you this opportunity, you know that, right? —That was the signal for Lovelle to move a few steps closer and then kneel down in front of the bed since it was practically impossible for the young woman not to be close to him, despite the fact that she wanted to give him a little bit of space as well—.
⠀—And you know I would never cheat on you, right? Yet here we are... Because I'm stubborn as fuck and I'm not going to lose you for a stupid picture —Her tone of voice was soft, beacause yes, she was frustrated and even angry, but he had more rights to be like that and she accepted it since she just wanted to have him back—.
⠀—Why weren't there cameras? —Those were the only words that came out of the boy's mouth in the form of a soft mumble after that little speech from his girlfriend, since a part of him of course wanted to believe her but let's just say that there wasn't much evidence in her favor—.
⠀—It's going to sound really bad.... But it's the shitty angle —She said and as soon as she realized that her words would probably be worthless at that moment she decided to look for some more decisive picture on her phone, but a hand interrupted his search—
⠀—No, fuck what's happening to me? You shouldn't have to be the one looking for ways for me to believe you? I don't know what was going through my head —He move the phone away from the blonde's field of vision before grabbing her face caressing her cheeks— Mine's going to sound really bad too, but I guess the shitty race I've had hasn't helped at all —His tone was soft again and her breathing was slowly returning to normal—.
⠀—I was planning to call you as soon as I finished work, I saw your DNF as soon as Chris alerted me —The distance between them was slowly getting shorter and it seemed that nothing of the last few hours had passed, which honestly was a relief for both of them—.
⠀—Let me take you to dinner today, there's a restaurant on the shore and hopefully you can watch the sunset —The Frenchman remembered one of his girlfriend's favorite things and seeing how a smile formed on her face, he couldn't help but bring their lips together in search of one of those kisses he had had to learn to share, but luckily not the feeling in them— I'm sorry
⠀— I think we both are sorry —She mumbled a few inchies away from his lips—
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Text
TW: vent
I hate not having any control over my own life. I hate not being allowed to choose what I wear, what I do, and what I control. I hate being told to do the dishes everytime the sink is full, I hate being the family therapist, I hate not being allowed to relax without being shamed for it.
I tell my sisters no to something that will make a mess if I don't watch them closely, then being forced to give it to them anyways by THEIR father and still have to clean up THEIR mess.
I hate having to do the dishes when their are other people in the house who can do it, then being told the way I do it is wrong.
I hate being threatened to have my hair ripped out of my skull if I don't do what I'm told.
I hate being told I look TOO good in something by my mother and then those pants or that shirt get taken from me and put in my moms drawer.
I hate being told that only skanks wear cropped tops and not to walk around in only a bra and some shorts when I'm hot because my dad (step-dad) is in the house, or he has friends over that he could bring them in, but my mom wears crop tops, and she walks around in the store, at other peoples houses and other PUBLIC places in just a bra.
^But when I walk around OUR house, I'm asking for it
I hate wanting my hair cut, and eventually getting to the point where I want to cut it myself, but I can't. Wanna know why? Cause I'll get my ass beat for doing something I've been BEGGING my mom to do for the past year or so.
i hate being told the hair cut I want is too short, or too boy like, or it doesn't match my face, that it'll make me look ugly.
I hate being expected to let my mother rant to me, but get scolded if I try talking about my feeling with her.
I hate telling my mom things I wanna do, then her tell me no and that I have to do something because she had to.
I hate being told not to let people see me cry, not to let people see me weak, not to let them think I'm weak, then being told I should cry more, and let my feelings out when my dog gets killed.
I hate having to fake my tears so that my mom thinks I'm alright.
I hate that every time I sit down I'm automatically not doing anything, that I'm always so lazy, that I don't do anything.
I hate being the one who has to talk myself out of panic attacks, then when I tell my mom, she just tells me not to let myself.
"Why are you putting yourself the panic attack? Why are you letting it beat you?" She says
But god forbid if one of my sisters start having a panic attack. And I get it, their 5 and 7, yes worry about them, but I'm 15, I want my mom to about me like that.
I hate feeling like I have to fight my feelings.
I hate wanting to be a man just so I can feel some kind of control, and I still don't feel like I can control anything.
I hate the way my step-father has made me hate men, but I still want their love.
I hate feeling like I need to fight for love.
I hate the empty "I love you"'s that come out of my mom, and stepdads mouths.
I hate the fact that I still love my mom, despite the things she's put me through.
I hate feeling like I'm never enough, like if I'm of no use to anyone, then why should they love or care about me?
I hate feeling like everyone expects so highly of me, and then are significantly disappointed when they actually get to know me.
I hate not feeling much of anything besides anxiety, fear, and anger.
I hate feeling smaller than everyone else.
I hate having to create different personas for every person I meet, just so I can be liked.
I hate not being allowed to be myself.
I hate feeling like crap everytime I'm not comfortable with doing something, because if I'm of no use to you, why should you care for/about me?
I hate not being able to focus on one project, and then feeling terrible because I never finished something.
I hate feeling sorry for others more than I do myself.
I hate not knowing when my next meal will be.
I hate being shamed for not eating because "we have plenty of food."
I hate having issues with certain textures of food, and having to go hungry because I don't like what my mom fixed.
I hate not liking certain tastes, then being forced to eat it, because I'm tired of starving myself.
I hate feeling like I'm bothering everyone else because of my feelings.
I hate feeling bad for snapping at my sisters, when they didn't even do anything wrong.
I hate being shamed for how little I eat, and how much I sleep.
I hate how I never get a break.
I hate getting shamed for taking a break.
I hate how my mom and step dad don't care about my hobbies unless it makes money that they can emotionally manipulate me into giving them.
I hate feeling like I can't trust anyone.
I hate losing weight, but still looking fat.
I hate wishing I had more things wrong with me, just so I feel like I have a reason to complain.
But most importantly...
I hate myself
And I'm sorry if you actually read all of this. You shouldn't have to listen to some stranger that you don't even truly know on the internet. Because you don't know me, no one knows me. They know a carefully designed version of me that was made just for them.
@puppet200 @purpleeggyboi @th3-r4t-48 @zeroisreallygood @im-a-simp898 @luciluck2046 @evry1h8s-me @aflairforthemelodramaticc @caretaleandotherstuff
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etherealily · 1 day
Text
guilt // f.odair
[1/3] Long. this was queued, idk if I've already promised another character before this is out.
Finnick Odair + fem!reader. Warnings : Cuss words, SFW but discretion advised, mature themes.
Desc. : But is it in his nature?
You do NOT have permission to repost and/or translate any of my fics.
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'Suck on his sellout cock, go ahead', your mind taunts you as you traipse behind him into the Victor's Village, a place where you simultaneously hoped you'd live and you'd never step into again.
See, Finnick had always dominated your childhood.
You grew up watching him charm the nation, be welcomed back to the District like he was God.
One of your biggest flexes was that you got to see him in person in a parade once, when he'd come back from one of his many Capitol visits.
However. That all changed once you became fifteen. Because you'd finally got some fucking sense and realized that the people at the Capitol, the Hunger Games, none of it was fair, it was all fucking shit.
And you hated Finnick all the more for it.
Prancing around, doing promotions, adverts, sending children to die, being the Capitol's bitch. You'd narrowly escaped your last chance to be reaped, but you still wished he'd choke on his ridiculously expensive Capitol meal.
You couldn't respect him.
But. But, it wasn't like you'd ever tell him that, though. Because when Finnick Odair talks to you, you fucking talk back.
And when he tells you he wants you to come back home with him after seeing you by the ocean one night, you go, no matter how much you'd rather fucking kill yourself.
"This is my house.", he smiles, and waits expectantly, as if you're supposed to applaud.
"It's nice."
He doesn't look disappointed or surprised at that. In fact, he seems mildly entertained. "Get in."
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"And then, maybe, just bring your hand up the side of your leg? Yeah, yeah, just like that. Okay, yeah, sweetheart, that's it."
Click.
"And this is for..."
"Modelling."
"For the Capitol?"
"Who else?"
You raise a brow, your mind immediately picturing some rhinestone encrusted Capitol asshole getting off to a picture of you. You shudder.
"I'm joking. It's for me."
"For you?"
"Feel free to look around.", he says, offhandedly, as he looks through the camera at all the pictures he'd just clicked of you. "Maybe something will catch your fancy."
"You brought me here to... take pictures of me and... let me take whatever I want from your house?"
"I'm a weirdo, sweetheart."
"What will you do with the pictures?"
"I dunno. Can't publish them anywhere. I guess I'll just use them.", he mutters, more to himself than you, but you catch it. He looks up and then clarifies, "To improve my photography skills."
Thank fuck.
"Why me?"
"You're a good subject."
Your fingers move almost fluidly past various things, bottles of expensive liquor, watches, jewellery that he probably stole from his long list of Capitol lovers, and a single, slightly pathetic looking conch.
"I'm a subject? Like... math?"
He snorts. It's condescending, he's aware - there's no way you'd know. You've never been out of the District.
"It's photography lingo. A subject is who you're taking photos of. You have the correct facial structure for my lighting to illuminate you how I want it to. Hence, you're a good subject."
"Oh."
He continues flicking through photos and adjusting the background, taking a few trial shots with the result of his tinkering, until he seems to notice that you haven't spoken in a while. "You like the conch?"
"It's pretty."
"So are you."
You fight the urge to roll your eyes. Ugh. There he goes again, back to Finnick Odair, Capitol man-whore instead of Finnick, photo geek.
You turn to him. "How much did it cost? Twice the wine?"
"I didn't buy it. I found it, back when I was eleven."
"You've had it for almost a decade?"
He licks his lips, his hands pausing their scrolling of the camera's gallery for a moment. "I guess it has been a decade."
"What was it like, though? When you won?"
"Won? Won what?"
"The Games."
"Oh. Uh... bittersweet."
"Bitter? Why would it be bitter?"
"You ask a lot of questions. Sit down."
You know the truth. He just didn't want to admit that there was nothing bitter going on. He won because he was hot, and now, he continued reaping the benefits of his genetic lottery win.
You sit, still looking up at him as he comes to kneel in front of you, turning his camera to you. "What do you think?"
The pictures he's taken of you have an unsettling ethereality to them. In one, you're looking out the window with your back to the camera, your outfit hidden by a rose he'd apparently been holding in front of the camera.
A white rose.
It featured in every fucking picture, so much so that you almost asked him about it. Key word : almost.
In one of the more lighthearted ones, the rose sat in your mouth.
"They're pretty nice."
"Is your vocabulary limited to those two words? Pretty. Nice."
"I don't know what else to say."
He regards your face for a moment - like, really fucking observes you - before fiddling with some knob on the camera. "Take off your clothes."
That shouldn't have surprised you as much as it did.
"What?"
He looks up, confused. "Take off your clothes and I'll take some pictures."
"What? No."
"You don't want to? But you were okay with all the previous pictures."
"Yeah, because I was clothed."
"Being unclothed is a problem for you? Being exposed? Hm? That bothers you?"
What?!
"I- look, man, I'm not trying to offend you."
"But you are. You said you'd let me take photos of you. You are not your clothes, are you? You are your self, your soul, your body."
"Yeah, but I'm just not comfortable."
'Y'know what, sweetheart, people do shit they're not comfortable with all the fucking time. Twenty-five/eight. If you can't deal with it, you're weak. Take. It. Off."
You had a feeling there was another reason he was so angry about your non-compliance, but you didn't push it.
"Please don't make me do this."
"Fine! FUCK! Am I asking you to suck my cock? Huh? I could, y'know that? I could've, but no, I asked you to help me make art, and you chickened out!", he yells, his finger scarily close to poking your eye.
Finnick Odair was no longer pissing you off.
Finnick Odair was genuinely scaring you.
"Just get out.", he mutters, setting his camera down in defeat on his couch. "Get out, seriously."
You don't even have two seconds of backing-away-time before he stops you again. "What if I killed your family?"
That scares you more. "What?"
"What if I killed your family? Or at least, threatened to? Would you do it? Would you?", he asks, and now, he's not angry at you, or frustrated, he's more desperate, frantic, as if your answer would shake his fucking world.
As if your answer would change his self perception.
"Please don't kill my family."
"Would you suck my cock if I threatened to kill your family, Y/N?!"
"YES!", you scream, flinching, almost. "Yes! I would, but please, PLEASE don't!"
Finnick Odair gazes back at you with relief, and you want to strangle him. "You would, wouldn't you? You'd do unspeakable things for your family, yes?"
Well, of course.
"Things that would make your skin crawl. Not just because you love them, but because you're responsible for them. Because you got yourself into this mess."
He's no longer talking to or about you, that much is clear.
"And it's up to you to keep them away from it."
Slowly backing away, you try your hardest not to show up in his peripheral, to make sure he stays in whatever zone he's in.
But he is Finnick Odair. So he doesn't even look up at you as he instructs you. "Don't take the conch." Like stealing from him was the first thing on your mind.
"Wasn't planning to."
"Don't tell anyone about today."
"Wasn't planning to."
"Stay."
Wasn't planning to.
"I'm sorry, Y/N. Please. Stay."
The apology only solidifies your urge to stab him in the gut. "I have to get home."
"I didn't mean stay the night. I don't want you staying the night."
Finnick Odair, as you had begun to gather, was debilitatingly honest.
"I just mean stay for a while. Have dinner and then go."
"Dinner?"
"Yes, dinner. I have turkey from the Capitol."
"What's that?"
"It's a kind of bird. It's just like chicken but better."
"What's chicken?"
"Another kind of bird."
"Oh."
He frowns at you for a moment. "You're not okay with eating birds, are you?"
"They're just... very rare, so I don't see why you have to kill them."
He sighs, looking around the room in deep thought. "I could make fish. You know fish. You like fish."
You do know fish. You do like fish. You nod.
~~~~
Finnick's fish is unlike any you've ever fucking eaten.
Living in District 4, you'd figured you'd had fish every way it could be cooked. But no.
You can't help but take more. And more. And more. You weren't hungry, and momentarily felt guilt, thinking about kids in the other districts who were, but it was divine and you couldn't bring yourself to care much.
"You like that?", he asks, from opposite you, raising a brow in amusement.
"It's really fucking good."
He whistles lowly. "Ooh, nice, vocabulary expansion. So you do cuss. I was afraid I'd corrupted you with my rough Capitol language.", he muses, looking at your plate. "You have room for dessert?"
"Doesn't everyone, always?"
He nods. "That's fair. Cake?"
CAKE? This Capitol whore managed to bring cake back to District 4?
"Sure."
That was divine, too.
"You like that, too?"
"Yeah. It's really good. The Capitol has it really good."
"The Capitol is filled with cunts who throw up food because they want to taste more."
Was that... disdain? Interesting.
"Well, seeing as you spend most of the year there, I just thought..."
He stands, clearing the plates. "What? That I was one of them?"
You watch him go into the kitchen, taking a sip of water as you do. "No, just that... no, yeah, I did."
"It's okay, I get that a lot. I just... I gotta go, do these promotions, adverts. I have to. I made a deal."
You sigh, standing and pushing the dining table chair back to its original position. "Contract?"
He clenches his jaw momentarily, before nodding, his shoulders tense. "Yeah. Sm'n like that.", he grins, his dimples emerging once more. Thirteen year old you would have swooned and fainted and died.
Eighteen year old you just lets him lead you to the door.
"I'm leaving for the Capitol tomorrow. Along with the tributes from this year."
Why he's telling you this, you have no clue.
"You should come and wave me off."
"Do we know each other well enough for that?"
"No, but I know you know the tributes well. One of them goes to school with you, doesn't she?"
Yes. Little Faye.
"Yes, she's in the eighth grade. I used to tutor her."
The reality hits. She will probably never be able to high-five you when she gets a question right again.
"You should give her courage.", he suggests. "Going in thinking you're going to die will get you killed. Let her know she can make it."
"Can she?", you ask, quietly. The answer will ruin you, you can tell.
"She's a Career."
"Yes, but can she?"
"Chances are slim." Finnick fucking Odair. Finnick "debilitatingly honest" fucking Odair. "I won't tell her that, though."
"I'll see you tomorrow, Finnick."
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His hands grip your chin and you swear you're about to kill him. You look up at him, hanging out the open door of the train carriage and holding onto you, and you're half tempted to pull him down with you because what the fuck was he doing?
You can feel it coming, the urge to slap him away, but then again, it's still Finnick FUCKING Odair, and you're not sure if there's a law against rejecting his advances.
So you just kind of let him kiss you. It's not bad, no, far from it, it's just... unexpected.
Considering it's in front of every camera in the district.
Considering you'd only known each other one night.
Considering his last words were 'you're the only thing I care about.'
Considering he said your full name an unsettling amount of times.
Considering little Faye was watching and wondering why you were calm enough to be making out with some hot guy instead of sending her off.
Considering now the entirety of Panem was either going gush at you or rush at you.
~~~~
You can't bring yourself to watch the news.
Everyone assumes it's because of Finnick.
But, ironically, Finnick's the only one who knows it's not.
It's because of Faye.
"Finnick's on TV.", you're informed at least twice an hour.
"'Kay.", is your usual response. "Faye?"
"I'm sure Finnick trained her well. And besides, the 11th is this weekend! You'll find out."
Right. You'd been invited by Snow him-fucking-self to the Capitol. Apparently, the cameras outside your house weren't enough. He needed you there, with Finnick, for promos. While children were dying.
You receive gifts from your family, your neighbours, your teachers - basically anyone you'd breathed around - for your journey to the Capitol, as if you're going to some dreamland.
As you ride the train, your head against the seat, you try to imagine this is the train that leads you out of District 4. Your family will be waiting at the destination - in your head, an actual dreamland - and you'll be fine and dandy.
As you're escorted out, you imagine you're hanging from the ceiling in full display on the TV instead of Faye having to go through the Games.
And as you're directed to Finnick's room, you imagine slitting his throat. It's funny. You almost laugh. Then, the door opens.
Dimples.
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"How is it you've never worn lip tint before?", he mutters, tutting as if you'd just misspelled a basic word. "C'mon, pucker up.", he instructs, his thumb smearing red on your lips.
You have no idea what you look like and you're not sure if you want to find out. "I thought you were a merchant."
You shake your head. "No, I said I live by the merchant sector of 4."
"Not in it?"
"Of course not. Why would I have been picking seashells to make necklaces out of if I were a merchant? I just sell shit in the marketplace. Doesn't make me a merchant."
"I mean, technically... yeah, it does.", he says, his thumb accidentally slipping and smudging your makeup over the left of your cheek.
"Right, well, I'm not merchant class.', you shrug, trying to wipe the results of idiocy that was Finnick Odair off the side of your cheek.
Finnick... seems to get it. He nods along as he continues trying to de-plague your face with makeup.
Guilt is etched on his face. Regret, a tiny bit. Sadness, festering throughout.
"What's that look?"
He doesn't seem like he's out of whatever thought he was in moments ago when he hums in response, before quickly leaping towards his bedside and taking his camera, holding his thumb next to your bottom lip, with your still messy lip tint just about seen. Click.
"What's that look?", you repeat.
"What look?"
"That one.", you say, pointing to his face as if he can see it.
"That's my sorry look. I shouldn't have sprung the kiss on you. It was a dick move.", he says, gently moving behind you and guiding your shoulders to manoeuver you to face the mirror.
He says it as if he already knows you'll forgive him.
Yes, you do. But it irks you that he seems to assume that.
"Yes, it was."
"I'm sorry. What do you think?"
"I look like the 12 escort."
"Trinket? No, no way. You look great.", he assures, and you try to believe him, but you haven't seen yourself in makeup before and it doesn't look as though it's you standing there.
"Beautiful.", he says, as an afterthought, almost, as if he were trying out the word to see if it sounded right or not. He seems to decide on the former. "Beautiful.", he repeats, nodding.
That gets your attention and you take a second glance, and suddenly, you see what he sees. The makeup isn't subtle and hidden, but it isn't what the Capitol wears. It's... pleasant.
He brushes some hair in front of your shoulders. "See? Beautiful.", he reiterates, like he can't get enough of that word now.
"You sure I'll fit in here like this? Like... dressed up?"
"Yeah.", he says, vehemently nodding before doing that thing when he looked in your eyes again. "Well, mostly. I mean, I'd prefer it if you had the easiest time possible, 'cause I kinda got you into this mess."
You nod. That checks out. "Thanks."
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The night sees you staring at the ceiling while Finnick breathes softly in sleep beside you. It's pleasant. Domestic, almost. Like what Finnick wants, you think. Like the Capitol believes, you know.
He shifts and your eyes snap shut. Why you're so afraid of him finding out that you are awake, you don't know, but you are. He reaches out, his knuckles grazing your cheek with enough purpose that you realize he wasn't asleep in the first place, either.
And then he does it.
His hand reaches out, gently feeling around for your hand, before he grips the middle three fingers on your left.
He squeezes them softly, then brings them to his chest, where his own hand lays. That's it.
You watch him actually sleep until he mumbles, shifting again. 'Y/N?"
"Yeah?", you respond immediately, kicking yourself internally. Cover blown.
"Can't sleep?"
"No."
"Scared?"
"Mhm."
"Of the photos we took today? I promise, the makeup isn't bad, and you won't have to take any more - they'll publish them and pass them off as taken over a few months, so it's not-"
"No, for Faye."
Silence. "Oh."
"I feel like I didn't get to even tell her how well she's going to do."
"You can see her."
You can what?
"When?"
"Well, not in person, but we can watch the live feed of the Gam-"
"Yes. Yes, please, thank you.'
He sits up, rubbing his eyes. "Really?"
"Yes. Yes, absolutely. When can we?"
"Well, technically, it's always streaming, so I, I guess we can go now."
You nod.
He raises a brow as if he never expected you to agree. "Okay, uh, just, uh... gimme a second to wake up, okay?"
He comes out of the bathroom after washing his face to find you pacing, biting the inside of your cheek. "C'mon."
~~~~
The Viewing Room is desolate except for a few Gamemakers' Assistants (GAs), that have to watch footage 24/7.
"We have to record these things all the time, just in case something happens during the cover of nightfall", he explains, as he walks in front of you and gestures to the large screen in the opposite side of the room. "Usually, the stronger Careers, from 1 or 2-", he cuts himself off. That was not what you needed to be hearing right now.
He watches as you slowly walk up to the screen, as though the soft glow from it could lead you to Faye. Your eyes dart around the entirety of the enormous screen, looking for something - anything - to announce you of Faye's survival.
"She is still alive. You'd have heard a cannon and seen a picture of her if not."
It's not the most comforting thing he can say. He's usually better at this. God, if he didn't miss his old self, but the guilt of essentially using you to keep Snow's interest off his family and on you, the - to the extent of Snow's knowledge, anyway - love of his life, isn't exactly letting him be warm and inviting to you.
But he wants to. Let it be known, he wants nothing more than to do what he usually does. Brighten people up.
"Where is she?"
"WE'VE GOT A RUNNER!", calls one of the GAs and your head snaps to a blue triangle tracking one of the tributes on the screen, and you run over to that side of the massive screen.
The lights come on in the room, and people flood in. Sponsors, gamblers, Gamemakers. Because this is prime TV. He imagines every screen in the country lighting up, because you have to watch. Every child has just been woken up because the feed's back on.
"Who's the runner?", someone asks, and Finnick turns to you, diligently tracking the blue triangle with your eyes. Blue. Ocean. District 4. It's Faye.
"Girl from Four. The boy's already dead."
"How much did I have on her?"
"Oh, c'mon, you didn't have shit on her! No one thought she'd make it this far."
"Fine, fine, but now how much?"
The sounds of cruelty almost have him zoning out, going back into Capitol-Party-Finnick-Mode. That is, until, you call him.
"Finnick?"
He rushes to your side, a guilt induced speed to his gait. "Yeah, y'okay?" No the fuck she isn't. What the fuck is wrong with him?
"Who's the gold triangle chasing her?" Gold. Luxury. District 1. CAREER.
"Uh..." Deliver it softly. Sweetly.
"Unless she's a shapeshifter, the girl's DEAD!", laughs one of the sponsors. "It's my tribute, the Career boy from 1 chasin' her, with... wait, zoom in? Oh, yeah, a dagger!"
Your eyes widen and Finnick wants to kill himself. "She'll be fine. She can swim, he..."
Can also swim. Fuck.
"... he won't be able to keep up with her." , he says, finally.
Partially true. District 1 Careers didn't have access to the ocean, not like those from 4, so it was very much possible that he wasn't trained to know about tides and currents and shit.
There's a moment where no one in the room says anything. Because they both just jumped into the water, and Faye went under.
Finnick holds your head to his chest as you cling onto him in fear. It's not even remotely close to making up for what he's planning to put you through - well, already putting you through - but he at least feels a bit like the old him. The one who could actually comfort.
The tribute from 1 splashes around a bit, looking for Faye. You've turned a bit now, your head's still in his chest, but half your face is facing the screen. You're watching, anxious as ever.
"She's not drowned.", he mutters, stupidly. Duh.
"What if something pulled her under?"
Oh fuck. Yeah. Valid point.
"I'm sure it's just a strategy."
One that he remembers teaching her.
Maybe if she uses this and beats this District 1 Career, he could be one more step closer to gaining your forgiveness, and his redemption.
For a crime that the victim wasn't even aware was being committed.
The Career flounders around a bit more, screaming, clearly, but the audio is muted here. He looks around, not willing to look under, in case that might trigger the release of any muttations the Capitol cooked up for them.
And then, he's tugged a bit, his leg down, and he springs away from the motion. Please be Faye. Please be Faye.
He's jerked fully under, and a splash of Faye's hair can be seen before both disappear underneath the midlly murky waters, a struggle very evident in the way the water's splattering about.
Suddenly, it stops.
Faye leaps exhaustedly onto the bank, gasping for breath.
A cannon goes off. Florian Jentry. District 1 , Luxury. Score : 10.
Finnick holds onto you tighter as you sigh in relief. He softly kisses your hair because he doesn't know what else to do.
Relief is the only possible emotion to feel.
No one's happy. No one's sad. You're only either relieved that your loved one isn't gone, or relieved that they're not gone in a torturous way.
Wait, scratch that. The patron who just bet on Faye is happy.
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Text
Confession Time!
So, over on Twitter, I'm a member of the Community Notes, and I can write Notes on any post as well as rate other Community Notes on those posts. This is done to fact check people. You have to provide a credible link as the source of your note before you're able to post it, right?
A bunch of M@rauders stans are attacking Tomarry writers, as usual, and because they can't handle that they like morally grey characters who did sus things, they make up all this shit to excuse those characters of their wrongdoings. Maybe that's why they're so jealous, cuz we can like a shitty character while NOT downplaying the bad he did.
Currently, there is an idea going around that Harry Potter was not abused in the canon story, and that everybody just swears he was abused when it was apparently, never addressed or shown and was just not treated the best. But when any M@rauder stans claim that Sirius was very clearly abused, it's unfair how no one agrees with them...
As such, they've been inundated with people pointing out all the abuse Harry has been through, from Vernon choking him out, Petunia trying to hit him with frying pans, them making him sleep in a closet instead of any of their extra bedrooms, lying about his parents, letting Dudley bully him constantly, punishing him when he doesn't understand that magic is at fault, starving him and his pet, putting bars on his window, etc... EXPLICIT ABUSE.
Now, one person gave a whole list of things that Sirius 'suffered' at the hands of his mother, and they're mad because it was pointed out that none of this actually happened in the story, not from anyone's mouth, and that that's just fanfiction tropes to make his parents worse and easier to hate. Harry's abuse is both told to us and shown as early as Ch. 2 of PS. We get to experience it through him in many ways throughout the books.
So usually, I don't get involved in these things, I just watch from the sidelines and laugh. But I thought it would be funny to put Community Notes on all of these people's posts because they're posting literal misinformation. And it's just funny to look at the post making all these claims and immediately see Rate Proposed Community Notes right at the bottom!
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This person is ranting about how there are 'context clues' about Sirius was being physically abused by his family, while claiming that Harry's neglect was never explicit to try and make it seem as if Sirius choosing to leave home because of his parents' beliefs is proof of his suffering and is the same as Harry's blood relations treating him terribly for how he was born, his whole childhood.
When people have to sugarcoat and lessen Harry's experience because they want to uwu their favs so they can feel less bad about what their favs have done in canon... It's the weirdest thing. I'm not borrowing shame from a fictional character over their wrongdoings despite how all my favs are the villains. I'm here for the character, and to be so emotionally distraught over what your fav has done, that you need to gloss over it and invalidate canon over and over, is truly unhealthy behavior.
And then attacking people with different favs/ships than you, is peak madness. Get a life. Go figure shit out. You clearly cannot handle interacting with real people yet.
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candyheartedchy · 1 day
Note
I know I'm late but!! What is the dynamic like with bugs? What do they do for fun/do to show affection etc.
You’re not late so no worries!
To start off, Bella has self loathing problems. She hates her appearance and feels worthless (and this is for every version of her). Whenever she dresses up, she feels ridiculous and on edge that people are judging and secretly making fun of her for trying to look pretty. And because of this, she avoids recording and pictures of her being taken. Once she meets Bugs, she gets overwhelmed by how perfect he seems. To her, she believes him to be the most beautiful thing she had ever meet, inside and out. She envies him, but still gets awestruck by him whenever they are in the same room together, battling between jealousy and being smitten by him.
Bugs right away knows Bella struggles with her appearance and is confused because he thinks she’s adorable. So he tries to help her gain confidence, going as far as to play dress up with her occasionally, only to stress Bella out and deny his compliments every time. And because Bugs is stubborn, he keeps reminding her that she’s gorgeous. But unfortunately he became obsessed with it and finds himself crushing on her.
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They both are very into the arts, so they enjoy going to the theatre, painting and even playing music. If we go by the Toon Actor AU of their dynamic, Bugs finds Bella a breath of fresh air when it comes to the high strung world of entertainment and fame. He knows he has an image to keep, but feels he can let his guard down around Bella and express his frustrations with being an actor. But even though Bella sees him as this important toon, she still treats him like a person and not just a star.
When it comes to showing affection, Bugs LOVES to go all out, but with Bella he was hesitant, realizing that she was probably the first person who had made him nervous when it comes to his crushes and was afraid of ruining the friendship they already had. He cares about her feelings and knows his play flirting affects her since she doesn’t brush it off as an act like the others. Bella knows Bugs is out of her league and knows he flirts with others a lot as a joke, so she assumes he’s doing the same with her. Bella on the other hand is very tender with him, which again Bugs is not use to due to keeping his appearance as this untouchable thing of importance.
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reblogandlikes · 1 day
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I'm convinced I'm not the target audience for the acotar series because I just saw someone say that they're rereading it and somehow love Rhysand more...? The first time I can understand the lack of introspection and caught up in the hype, but the second time? Seriously? Do people honestly think as Feyre and the IC does about him and are unable to see past the false persona of "amazingness" when he's a terrible leader and throws his power around to those who rightfully challenge him as a form of intimidation?
Maybe because they know where they story ends, they're now reading everything from a 20/20 romantic lense because they "understand him", but even with this understanding, to me, makes his entire personality even more underwhelming, forced and unnecessary. Oh so powerful, yet barely does anything substantial with it. Then what's the fucking point of you other than to fill a "morally ambitious", super powerful, dark haired quota trying to convey feminism, but not actually?
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And then, when I'm critical, I have to check myself and ask if I'm being bloody pompous, but no. No, I'm not. The love for Rhysand is baffling for the genre he is in, and i think that's one of my main gripes. Dark romance, sure. But not in a series that has the audacity to hammers down "abusive" behaviour on one character but not the other in the books and by fans in online spaces. It's so weird. If you have fae's, let them be viciously so, because they are not human. Their behaviours and customs should be the differences highlighted. That should be the appeal, or am I wrong? Not for the faeness to used to be OK in one moment, but not in the next because it doesn't suit the convience of the plot or may paint your beloved in a bad light. You've then just convoluted your own world, sjm, and takes away character depth.
I'm tempted to say that I've aged out of sjm's storytelling style, but i've witnessed fully grown adults eat this shit up. But age has nothing to do with this, and I'm just honestly at a loss. I feel like an outlier. Like, I'm just not getting the appeal to these favourable characters and get frustrated when things are clearly unjust or misrepresented, yet others swear ones actions and behaviours are perfectly fine yet hate to see it in others. You can't just pick and choose when shit is ok or not, especially when the characters have very similar reasoning behind their actions. Maybe I like shit to be nuanced too much, which would explain why it irks me of being told what to believe in contrary to evidence.
It's ok to like whatever book you want, but just dont lie about the content within or delude tourselfninto believing characterisations that are false because even authors fall victim to their own character bias. *Sigh* So I'mma chill and go tackle the books on my tbr.
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yanderes-galore · 2 days
Note
@an-ambiavalent prompts 12, 19, and 25 with Louis from Beastars, please?
Louis forces his Darling to join the Shishigumi as his partner and is forced to tag along with his plans and comments. It all leads to an argument where the Darling confesses that they hate the life he forced them into because of his selfishness. Louis however makes a point to explain to his Darling that he will always have the final say and that they belong to him, does he really have to remind them of that fact again?
Prompts Here
Sure, here you go! I hope you enjoy it :) I always have no idea if I got him OOC or not....
Yandere! Louis Prompts 12, 19, 25
"I’m only this desperate for you."
"Your happiness, your tears, your love, your hate – all of it belongs to me."
"You shouldn’t have tested my limits."
Pairing: Romantic
Possible Trigger Warnings: Gender-Neutral Darling, Obsession, Manipulation, Possessive behavior, Toxic relationship, Controlling behavior, Blood, Violence, Murder/Death, Trauma, Kidnapping, There's some physical scenes but he doesn't hit you, Forced relationship.
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Two herbivores in a lion's den.
That's how you felt about joining the Shishigumi. You never liked the idea, being an herbivore roaming the black market.... Yet Louis, your boyfriend, insisted you be under his care.
You had begun dating Cherryton's star student months ago. You always found him charming, attractive... and the feeling was mutual. However...
You didn't expect him to drag you into a gang he commandeered....
Louis became much more... controlling after that. Around lions, carnivores, Louis felt he needed to show he was in charge to everyone. He needed to show he was strong and powerful. Which unfortunately led to you two having arguments.
For a while, because you loved Louis, you tolerated it. You put up with his orders and lived in the shadows because you cared. Even as an herbivore, you felt you could handle it because he could.
Then you saw the horrors in the black market.
Everything from herbivore meat to drugs made from carnivores... you've never seen so much blood. Even Ibuki, Louis' right hand lion, became concerned about your mental health. However... Ibuki was not in the position to tell Louis what to do with you.
Nowadays you feel Louis has changed since you two began dating. Ever since he joined the Shishigumi and soon dragged you into it... he wasn't the same animal. No... He can't be if he keeps ignoring you and your feelings.
Arguments grew more and more common between you and Louis. They often start due to the stress you're put through. Like when you have to watch people be shot... or see blood splatter on the floor....
This is not the life you deserve.
But once again... Louis doesn't seem to care.
Another argument occurs as you sit with Louis in his office. He's looking over something at his desk, looking oddly calm. It disturbs you... just like everything else here. From the lions to the meat and blood.
"Just let me leave." You plead suddenly, hoping to convince your fellow herbivore partner to be reasonable.
"No." Louis snarls. "You're meant to be here with me. You're under my protection here."
"Captivity." You correct, causing Louis' eye to twitch. "You're keeping me here. You dragged me here... and for what!?"
"I’m only this desperate for you!" Louis snaps, standing from his desk harshly. You jump back a bit but still glare. "Must we always have this conversation? Must I always remind you, sweetheart?"
"You're more than just desperate." You scoff, standing up. "You're selfish. This is not the deer I fell in love with. You've changed. Can't you see that? Can't you see it's wrong to keep me here?"
"Selfish?" Louis scoffs with a laugh. "Selfish, huh? You think I'm selfish...?"
Louis then comes closer, staring you down. Even now he's an herbivore obsessed with trying to be a predator. Trying to intimidate you into staying with him... much more than genuinely getting you to love him again.
"Maybe I am selfish..." Louis hums with an irritated grin. "Maybe it is selfish to make you love me... to force you beside me... to be in control... but I don't care anymore."
You yelp when he grabs your shirt. It's subtle but you can tell he doesn't want to harm you. He just wants you to focus on him... or he just wants to prevent you from running while he proves his point....
"Your happiness, your tears, your love, your hate – all of it belongs to me." Louis growls, watching as you squirm. "Call it selfish if you want... but I prefer to call it love. I love you... and this is my way of protecting you. I have power here... no matter the means...."
"Love?" You try to pull away, yet Louis doesn't relent. "Louis... I used to love you... but now? I just want to leave... I want to continue my life... I just want you to let me go...."
The deer then pauses, hesitating. It's enough time for you to pull away and back off. Louis looks... lost for a moment. His amber eyes staring at you as he slowly puts his hand down.
Then you see his teeth clench.
"Don't you dare walk out that damn door..." Louis warns, seeing you place a hand around the door knob.
"Don't act like you own me...." You growl, opening the door as Louis stares at you with irritation...
Yet you're then greeted by two lions.
Lions who were seemingly on stand by.
"Bring them back to me." Louis orders coldly, going back to sit on his desk as he watches his two subordinates drag you back and place you on the couch. Louis glances at your fearful expression before clicking his tongue. "Tie their hands and feet, too."
A brief look of pity is given to you by the two lions... but they listen anyways.
You scream and buck as the two lions listen to their leader, restraining you before Louis hums in approval. Louis then gives a wordless command to dismiss them. The lions nod, casting you a glance of concern before leaving the room. The moment the door locks, it's just you and Louis alone in the silence.
"You shouldn’t have tested my limits." Louis sighs, still reigning in his frustration. "Never say such things... You do love me."
"I don't." You remain defiant as Louis heaves a disappointed sigh.
"Fine... Maybe you just need to be reminded that you and I belong together..." Louis threatens, moving off his desk to stand in front of you.
"You aren't leaving this room..." Louis warns, glaring at you as he tilts your chin up to lock eyes with him.
"Not until you learn your place by my side... and we can stop having these irritating conversations."
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itsmistyeyedbi · 2 days
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late night courage
Pairing: F!Detective/Farah Hauville
Word Count: 2,5k
Prompt: First
Tags: @happyhauvillebday
Summary: Dinner at Tina’s leaves much food for thought for Farah. The conversation that ensues takes a turn that neither of them were expecting.
She never knows what to do with…this.
With people like her, genuine and hopeful and bright. People who choose to be those things, to embody them, despite the experiences they have and the things they've seen that give them every right not to be. Zuri admires them and their spirit that seems to be as sure as the rising sun. She can never quite grasp that kind of strength, no matter how much time she has spent imitating it. She can be warm and hopeful…and genuine, when she let's herself be.
But what's a heat lamp to the sun?
It's nothing compared to the real thing.
And yet, some of them are drawn to her anyway. Like a moth to a flame, not realising that the warmth they want to bask in is not as gentle as the sun. It could burn them to a crisp, because there is such a thing as being too close for too long. It could burn them, even though it doesn't want to. Even though it craves their company, their touch.
It would be easier if she could stay away but she never really can. She never really wants to. So she falls into a familiar song and dance of getting as close as she can without letting them in, giving as much warmth as she can without burning them, keeping her distance when they get too eager and fly closer to the flames than they should. That push and pull that never satisfies but keeps them safe.
How much is that safety worth?
Farah makes her question that everyday.
Zuri is questioning it now with Farah at her side, the back of their hands brushing against each other as they stroll towards her car. Her pinky twitches and she glances at her, her heart stopping for a second when their eyes meet. It's taking everything in her not to take her hand in hers, to feel their fingers intertwine.
She looks away, focuses on her surroundings instead - the sound of their footsteps are accompanied by the chirping of crickets, softening the silence of the night. The sky is dark and speckled with stars, a gentle breeze makes the skirt of Farah’s dress tickle her skin, her pinky grazes hers and there's a fluttering in her stomach-
Okay, this isn't working.
Zuri swallows and moves her hand away to hold it in her own instead, massaging her palm with her thumb. She needs to get a grip. They've been alone for what, two minutes? And her impulse control reverts to the one she had in highschool - useless in the face of someone who has an interest in her. She won't be rash about this, not when it comes to her. Not when she doesn't think she can give her what she wants.
The fluttering turns into a churning when she catches the disappointment on Farah's face.
She hates how often she causes that. She never wanted to be the reason she feels that way. But the little disappointments are better than the one that would come if they were something more…right?
Zuri turns around and leans against the hood of her car, eyebrows furrowing slightly as she smiles at Farah. She returns it as though she was never anything less than content, the streetlight closeby bathing her in a golden glow, tracing the curves of her face and bouncing off of the coils of her hair. God, she looks like an angel.
“Did tonight go the way you hoped it would?”
Right, the dinner. With Tina. It..slipped her mind for a second there.
She shrugs one shoulder, peering at the house they just left. “I figured it would go well the moment you agreed to come. You two are pretty similar, I couldn't see you not getting along.”
“That's to be expected when I'm the type of company you keep. Who wouldn't like me?” Farah gestures to herself with a grin.
Zuri shakes her head, laughing softly before they fall into silence. Something about the question lingers in the air between them. Or maybe it's just in her head and Farah is being her usual self. Either way, she doesn't know what to do with it yet.
So she changes the subject.
“Speaking of the company I keep,” she raises a brow. “What were you and Tina talking about when I was gone?”
Farah's eyes widen and then she laughs, the sound making her heart stir in her chest and before she knows it she's doing the same. Softly, just like before, so she can hear her laugh ring out around them and imprint itself in her mind again.
“You're still thinking about that?”
“Yes, you were being all sneaky about it! I wanna know what was up.”
It's a genuine question, despite the timing. Something was definitely going on with them and were a little too enthusiastic while dodging her questions. They're clearly already a duo she'll have to keep her eye on.
“It's nothing crazy, seriously. We were just talking about you.”
Zuri turns her head and narrows her eyes. That's the obvious answer so it doesn't tell her much.
“Me?”
“Yup.”
Farah watches her gleefully, rocking back and forth on her feet. The silence continues for a few short seconds before she scoffs playfully. “Don't act like you didn't know. You mean a lot to both of us, of course we'd talk about you.”
Zuri’s hands press against the hood of the car as she leans forward and aims a light-hearted glare her way. “I know that I was the hot topic of the night. What I don't know is what about me was being discussed. So spill.”
“We were talking about how you're doing,” her grin softens into a weak smile as she rubs the back of her neck. “Or how you're not doing. In a general kind of way.”
“Oh.”
She doesn't know what to make of that. How did that even come up among the conversations about supernaturals and how wrong books and movies have been about them? Was Tina worried about her? Was Farah? Did something she say make them think they needed to be?
“Man, Tina warned me about this but I thought I'd manage to make it home before caving.”
Zuri blinks and looks up at Farah. When did she look away? How did she manage that when she's standing right in front of her, her eyes the colour of honey when it's held up to the sun, framed by long lashes and soft with concern.
“It's funny,” she continues with a frown on her face. “I've been talking about how busy things have been lately and how we barely get to spend time together, but…it's always been busy for you, hasn't it?”
“I don't know, has it?” Zuri can't say it hasn't been busy. The little moments she's managed to steal away for herself feel like they happened months ago, fleeting as the flicker of a light. And even those moments couldn't be deemed relaxing, not when a part of her was holding its breath, waiting for the next threat to her life.
“You can tell me,” she urges gently. “You know that right?”
“I know,” Zuri sighs. She deserves a more honest answer than that. “I guess it has been busy.”
Farah offers her a wry smile and steps closer to her. “That means this probably isn't going to be as easy in the future.”
Wait what?
“What? Us?”
“Oh, uh- well, I mean,” she lets out a nervous laugh, her eyes darting to the ground before meeting her gaze again. “I meant us spending time together but that works too. But now that I think about it, I don't know how easy either of those things have been.”
“You know that isn't because of you, right?” The words rush out of her mouth before she can think or process the surge of shock she felt. “If anything hasn't been easy, it isn't because of you. You being around is probably the easiest part about all this.”
“That's a relief to hear. I was getting worried for a second,” Farah jokingly wipes her forehead but the motion is too stiff to be playful, the relief too obvious in how the tension in her face eases.
“Trust me, you have nothing to worry about on that front.”
“I'm not so sure about that,” she mutters before shaking her head and continuing before Zuri can respond.
“Anyway, what I'm trying to say is - it's okay to not be okay after getting sucked into all this supernatural business. I don't think anyone would be if they went through half the things you've been through. And I hope you know that whenever you need a shoulder to cry on, or just…need me, I'll be there.”
She pauses and leans forward, her shoulders raised close to her ears as she smiles sheepishly. “We all will be, but I am hoping you'd sorta kinda want to come to me first,”
She's far too sweet for her own good. Zuri chuckles, her eyes lingering on the curve of her lips before looking back up at her. Warmth blooms in her chest and spreads across her cheeks while she wraps her arms around herself.
“You'll be the first to know when I need a shoulder, I promise,” she says softly. “And um, thank you.”
Farah nods and rubs her arm with her hand, her face growing pensive as she takes a breath. It doesn't seem like she's finished yet. Zuri watches her, trying to reassure her. She can wait however long she needs to to hear more of what she has to say.
“And about that ‘us’…you don't have to worry about that.”
Zuris stomach drops when she says that. It must show on her face because her eyes widen and she frantically corrects herself, waving her hands in front of her.
“Nono, I'm not saying- what I mean is you can take your time. There's no pressure, I'm not going anywhere,” she reaches up to fiddle with the unicorn pendant hanging from her neck. “But whatever you decide, whenever you decide it, I hope we can still spend time together like this. For however long we can before some bad guy swoops in to steal you away.”
Shit. Zuri doesn't want her to think she doesn't want her. She does, more than she's wanted anyone in a long time. She just… doesn't know how to do this anymore. To make something last. As much as she wants to erase any doubt Farah has in her mind, it wouldn't be wise to rule out the possibility of there being no them, would it? They've been walking the razor's edge for months too, so who knows if she'll even want her afterwards? She could move on from her, find someone who's worth all the waiting she's done.
Zuri looks down at the cobblestone road. The thought of that hurts more than it should.
Shit.
Say something!
“I-” her voices hitches, she clears her throat before trying again. “I…don't know how much time we'll have to spend like this.”
That's what you chose to say. Great work, Zuri.
“Neither do I,” Farah's feet enter her view before a finger and a thumb is on her chin and tilting her head up, amber eyes unwavering as she gazes at her. “But that doesn't mean I'm not going to try. You are so worth trying for.”
A shaky breath leaves Zuri’s lungs. Everything inside her comes to a halt, like every part of her wants to focus on nothing but the sound of Farah's voice. Like her words have stunned her entire being into silence.
That's just it, isn't it? That's what matters, if someone is worth trying for, outcomes be damned. And she believes that she is, despite…well, everything.
“Zuri? You okay?”
Something inside her comes undone, and a wave of emotion washes over her, kickstarting her body into gear and slowly forming a lump in her throat. She might not know how to do this, but for her, she'll try. She'll do whatever she can to make this work, no matter how scared she gets or how heartbreaking the end is. Being with her is worth whatever pain might come. And if she's the reason for any burns, she'll make sure to be the balm too.
It looks like it took Farah saying what should've been obvious to her out loud for her to get it.
Wow.
“Yeah,” she blinks a few times and clears her throat. “I'm okay. I'm okay.”
Farah lets go of her chin, barely moving an inch before Zuri’s hand grabs hers, her grip gentle as her thumb runs over her knuckles.
“Farah, I- you're so,” laughter bubbles up her throat, brief and maybe a little bit hysterical as she covers her face with her free hand. “Sorry, sorry.”
“Don't worry about it. You're cute when you're flustered,” Farah says with a wink.
Zuri smiles bashfully and stares down at their hands. Her skin is warm and smooth against hers. She squeezes it gently and swallows before continuing. “You're worth trying for too. You always have been and I… feel a little ridiculous that I'm only really understanding what that means now. I'm sorry it took me this long.”
“Um, no problem,” Farah stares at her for a moment, eyes wide and lips parted. “Is this going where I think it's going?”
“Yeah, it is.”
She beams and rises on the balls of her feet before quickly settling herself down. Zuri's heart flutters in her chest. She seems so excited, ecstatic even for them to finally be in a relationship. She shouldn't keep her waiting any longer.
“I know you've wanted what's been going on between us to be something real. Something more than flirting that doesn't go anywhere. I wish I could've given you that sooner but,” she pauses, taking a deep breath to quell the doubt creeping into her mind.
She holds Farah's gaze and lets it spur her forward. “If you still want that, want me, I'd like to give that to you now-”
Farah flings herself at Zuri. She lets out an oof as their bodies collide and arms wrap around her neck. “Yes! Please do! Like, right now if you want to.”
Zuri giggles and wraps her arms around her waist, breathing in the burst of zest and citrus from her perfume. Their hearts beat in tandem against their chests, hands clutching at each other as they hold each other close; she's so warm… holding her is like holding the sun.
Farah gives her a squeeze before pulling away enough to see her face. “Of course I still want you. I never stopped, and I never will.”
Heat settles in Zuri’s cheeks as she tries and fails to respond, all that comes out is a string of incomprehensible, half-spoken words that are shortly interrupted by laughter.
“God, what are you doing to me?”
“Let me know when you figure that out so I can keep doing it.”
Zuri huffs, shaking her head and smiling softly. “You know, I don't usually ask people out. Not with it meaning what it means right now. This is a first for me.”
Farah snuggles into her, her cheek pressing against her neck. Her voice is muffled, but she can still hear her smile.
“I'm glad you did.”
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Note
Also gonna send my criticisms of The Walking Dead TV show's treatment of Black characters as a separate ask.
So, to put it simply. The Walking Dead show has a horrible tendency of killing off its Black characters. Like, to the point it's a semi-common joke/theory that they have a quota on how many Black characters they can have.
Spoilers for most of the TV show, continue at your own risk
At the start of the show, we have two Black characters; Jacqui and T-dog. Jacqui only appears in the first season (7 episodes). She had very little presence in the show, only showing up for brief dialogue or to guide the other characters. She dies comforting a (white) man, who she decided to not leave alone in his final moments.
T-dog lasts three seasons (22 episodes) and gets more time in the spotlight. He's quiet, compassionate, and very selfless, the kind of guy who spent the early days of the apocalypse transporting old people to safety in a church van.
He also gets called the n-word and is beaten horribly within the first few episodes by Merle (...who is widely loved by the fandom despite this). T-dog still attempts to save Merle's life later, as Merle was, himself beaten up and cuffed to a pipe after committing a hate crime.
Throughout most of the series he's a pretty regular good guy. He's resistant to hurting people (even in self defense), he helps out other survivors, very normal stuff.
Then he dies while saving another (white) character.
Then we meet Big Tiny, Andrew, and Oscar, a trio of Black prisoners. Big Tiny dies almost instantly. Andrew is killed by Oscar. Oscar is killed during a rescue mission for two other characters (one white).
Then we meet Bob! He's another normal, decent man, doesn't stand out much. Then he's bitten by a zombie and has his leg eaten by (mostly white) cannibals. Tyreese puts him out of his misery.
Tyreese and Sasha are a pair of siblings. Sasha survives for most of the show, Tyreese survives a couple seasons. He's strong, protective, quiet, and wise. He beats up zombies with a hammer, pretty cool.
He is bitten by a zombie and dies not long after a new Black character is introduced.
That brings us to Noah; he's polite, helpful, intelligent, and interested in architecture. He even builds a close friendship with another member of the main cast.
Then a white man sacrifices him to zombies to survives. And he just... kinda allows it so the other guy present can survive.
Let's not forget about Sasha. She gets a pretty long run on the show; she's loyal, practical, has strong morals, is a great leader, and is amazing with a gun. She even has a couple romance arcs... one with Bob (the guy who got eaten), and the other is a man who is violently beaten to death in front of her.
She commits suicide and becomes a zombie to avenge her second boyfriend (who was white), attempting to bite the man who killed him.
I'm sure you can see the pattern... Black characters die and are replaced by a shiny new Black character. When they die, it's often directly connected to a white character.
If I remember right... around three Black main characters made it to the end of the show.
In comparison, three of the four Telltale games put their Black characters front and centre (the third game stars a Latino man, but a Black girl is still the deuteragonist). These characters are varied, loved by their peers, people sacrifice for them, people want to save them.
Well I guess I have no interest in ever watching this, huh 🤣 my reactions
Jacqui: 🙄 of course
T-Dog: shoulda left dude stuck to that pipe. Let a zombie get him, even. How do you find time to be racist during a zombie apocalypse? Nah, I'd let him die. He better than me.
Big Tiny, Andrew, and Oscar: here one moment gone the next
Bob: poor Bob 😭
Tyreese and Sasha: no, Tyreese 😭
Noah: is Noah the one that was played by Tyler James Williams?? Where he got caught in the spinning door? Because I remember that shit! I remember being HORRIFIED bc omg that's 1) Chris and 2) WHY IS HE DYING?? 3) now im scared of revolving doors
Sasha: 🙄🙄🙄🤦🏾‍♀️🤦🏾‍♀️🤦🏾‍♀️🤦🏾‍♀️🤦🏾‍♀️ now Sasha. Girl.
That is too much lmao damn.
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monachopism · 5 months
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being jewish with zero affiliation to israel and rather a generational line of activists for palestine is a hard line to walk and sometimes i wish i could just fall off
#i hate zionist jews i hate i stand with israel signs in my neighborhood i hate leftists who write and speak and act like theyve never met an#actual jewish person in their life and believe that were all genocidal monsters (in spite of our own genocide which i assume will eventuall#flip around to leftist holocaust denial) i hate that people are blaming israeli civilians for the faults of their deeply corrupt government#i hate that i cant say zionism is inherently antsemitic without getting fucking maimed i fucking hate it here the world is on fire just#fucking let me burn#anyways#sorry#free palestine#any other#jumblr#girlies (gn) relating to my vent#bc im started to feel ashamed of myself my culture and my people#and its such a fucking shitty feeling#like i can barely look in palestine / gaza / etc. tag without seeing blindingly blatant antisemitism coming from left right and center#like just say you hate jews and fuck off#i cant look at this shit anymore fuck#idk why im so worked up about this rn i just. btwn weeding out all the zionist blogs i didnt know i followed and just being so fucking-#and weeding out all the antisemitic leftist blogs i didnt know i was supporting its all just crashing down#im so fucking tired#and im so fucking tired of having to defend myself any time i talk about the jewish experience in any of this#and im so fucking tired of people equating judaism with religion only#and im so fucking tired of the double standard of also equating with only one race#like there arent jews of every race#the reason you cant see any of this shit is because nearly a century later were still dealing with the aftermath of the 6mil person murder#were always at the cross roads of some ridiculous double standard or the scapegoat for when things are going badly#like fuck i just#dont want to have this fucking identity anymore it makes me a walking talking breathing living fucking target#idk what to do I'm just#desolate
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trans-cuchulainn · 1 year
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also what is wrong with me that when people try and be gentle-sympathetic when i'm in grumpy pain overwhelm shutdown mode i just want to hit something
"are you okay? ❤" no i'm filled with murderous rage, stop being soft-nice to me before i break something
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ifritcookie · 1 year
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I quit CR:K about a month ago. This blog will be on indefinite hiatus as a result. I may reblog some fanart now and again but expect minimal posts for the foreseeable future.
Why'd I quit? Game's unplayable.
(Below is my rant/vent on the matter so have a read more cut. Ye have been warned.)
CR:K has had notorious lag issues, especially on iOS devices, for over a year now. It's had crashing issues for almost as long. I first noticed the crashing properly around the BTS event; it was about once every 15 minutes back then. An affront to any reasonable game developer, but... tolerable. By Triple Cone Cup, that time was down to 2 minutes. By Legend of the Red Dragon, one minute. World Exploration could no longer be done, as loading into it prompted an instant crash. By Summer Soda Rock Festa, I could no longer load into the game at all. I can't play on my phone even if I wanted to; I HAVE to use an emulator.
I have submitted support requests. I have submitted feedback tickets. So many people have done the same. The issues remain and continue to get worse and worse with every update.
Cookie Run: Kingdom is a mobile game. My phone isn't new by any means but I keep it in good condition and it can run every other game, including similarly "beefy" ones, without crashing. But even emulators running on good computers struggle with CR:K these days.
It's been obvious for months that testing isn't being done properly and content is just being cranked out for money's sake. Bugs that should be caught immediately (titles shifting out of place on the arena loading screen comes to mind) continue to happen. Assets are breaking in old areas of the game. Pre-existing memory leaks remain unfixed. Crashing and lag plagues more and more players. Nothing is done to try and fix any of this. And yet Devsisters has the manpower to develop and release multiple brand-new games on top of it all? It's just... it's a slap in the face, really.
I stuck around solely for my guild, but CR:K is just a waste of my time at this point. No other game crashes so much; my bar for "playable" is on the FLOOR and it cannot meet it. I miss my guild dearly; I led it for over a year and knew some of my members for even longer. We hit Grandmaster III for the first time in our last season. It was best to quit while we were ahead, given everything. I'm still so proud of all of them.
I was once a paying player, because I LOVED this game despite its flaws. It felt like it had heart and like they cared. What happened to the DevNow's and the spirit? Yes it's more p2w now, but it goes beyond that for me. They took a good game and they ruined it, due to their own negligence.
When I started playing, I promised myself I'd only play so long as it was fun. It's not fun anymore. I leave more frustrated and stressed than I started. So I quit.
I won't be returning to playing until they fix all those critical issues -- if even that. They'll certainly never be getting my money again. Other developers deserve it more.
For those who continue to play, I ask you to vouch for your friends having lag and crashing issues (especially if you're crash-free). It'll affect you too eventually. All the people that said "well maybe it's just your device" to me a year ago are having the same problems now.
Oh, and PSA: check your battery health if you have an iOS device. Mine went from (literally) "100%, in perfect health" to "hey you need to get this replaced" in 6 months, solely from playing CR:K. Thanks, I hate it :)))))))
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haarute · 1 year
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i'm sorry but as someone who is always trying to understand most things and most people, the reaction a lot of folks have of immediately dismissing something or jumping to an outrage without having a second to try to reflect on a situation or process empathy is something that i will never relate to and i consider to be a bad mentality to have if left unchecked actually
#not a response to any specific situations that might or might not be the topic of conversation today on tumblr dot com#it's just a general thought that i always have.#and i tend to unfollow people for this sometimes lmao sorry. it just makes me uncomfortable. and i see it frequently.#i've said this before but#i feel like often you can kinda see who has had life experiences that were unfair to them and being angry was their way out into freedom#(which does make sense in the transgender and gay website)#so they default to applying that state to most things because it is What Feels Right To Me Actually and i can't blame them for doing so.#but then there's people like me who like. my life experiences have led me into the Guilt Pit#where i am trying extremely hard to be measured and understanding because i have been very emotionally reactive in the past#or have witnessed things where very emotionally reactive people have caused horrible things to others around them#and i hate that actually and i try as hard as i can not to be that.#which is why i also feel like whenever i see it in other people i'm like. oh boy. i would not get along with you lmao.#and i feel like these are two opposite mentalities that are definitely detrimental to you if gone too far into either direction#so i don't necessarily think either is bad or anything. as long as you're able to pull yourself back and realize that like#you Should dedicate some thought to the rest of the world actually and not default to just ''what i feel is correct always''#and on the other end realize that sometimes you just have to Let Go#because caring about Everything is unrealistic and you will go Insane and lose your own self if you try to feel for too many other things#which is what i had to learn the hard way.#and also like. sometimes the immediate ''fuck you'' reaction Is super valid. and it's important to learn when that is the case.#but yeah. anyway. mentality. ways of seeing the world. people being different. wooooo.#rambling again in tags sorry.
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sensitivegoblin · 8 months
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Vent
Tw: suicide
#I need a hug#I've got heavy shit on the mind#I'm hypersexual n need sex but at the same time I'm tired of whoring myself out for attention#there's people I keep around even tho I'm 90% sure they're just using me#just seems funny that im suddenly popular when I get the energy to send spicy pics#this is about several people still here and not#I know it's my fault for letting myself be used#but at this point?.....I hate myself so much and I want the attention more than I wanna be safe#I don't see vaule in myself unless it's sexual.....but even then#im seriously feeling broken#my life wasn't horrible I have no excuse to be this much of a loser#but no matter how hard I try nothing changes#I don't think I'll ever feel loved n safe#I wanna fall asleep in arms that are 110% safe#I'm not being used everything's equal and I'm confident I won't be dumped#why am I broken in these ways when I had a good life that people who are actually abused envy#I wish something solid happened in my life so I wouldn't feel like a fake loser#what if God tells me I was subconsciously lazy the whole time#IM NOT GOING TO DO ANYTHING but; I'm just really feeling like I'm a bad person who needs to be exterminated#but what if subconsciously I'm just saying that because I want attention?#what if I'm subconsciously making every problem up and I'm just lazy and bad and evil#I really feel like the world would be better off without me even if it makes my loved ones sad#I know this one's far fetched but it's a real anxiety I have and I need to get it off my chest in hopes I'll forget it;#what if in my effort to make everyone happy I'm subconsciously following the devil's deeds cus I'm the antichrist?#right now logically I'm not 100% there#but there are times during anxiety attacks where it feels more than 100% possible that I'm that evil...#I just feel like I'm desperately trying to scrub my subconscious clean and I can't reach these really dark places#I can't see everything and it scares me what if there's stuff I don't agreee with there#I wish someone could understand these feelings but I just think I'm so fucked up m twisted#:( I don't wanna be a bad person
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