#i hate being hit with the message of 'actually this fun time is wrong '

[wild-at-mind]

I get why people like the whole queer existence is resistance thing. I don't personally, because I think it puts a tonne of intracommunity pressure to exist in the 'right' way, I.e. the way that is 'radical' to the person currently scrutinising you. As a person with OCD that manifests in self scrutiny that I have to constantly concentrate on to avoid it becoming self hatred, I'm never going to be a fan of that. I kind of feel this way about any kind of assimilation conversation with regards to queerness really. I think it's an important conversation within irl communities who already care for each other- who shows up for others outside of their own interests and who doesn't, etc. But the internet makes things so impersonal and cold. It encourages people to make very serious snap judgements about others who they don't even know, and to encourage others to believe that about them. None of these people are in community together in any meaningful sense, or they wouldn't treat each other so ungenerously.

Anyway I had a bit of a realisation earlier- I think we have to tell ourselves our existence is inherently radical all the time because we're always getting the subtle message from our community and the wider activism community that having a good time or enjoying yourself is somehow bad, or insulting to people in dire straits. But instead of challenging that idea we say no it's OK because I'm doing activism simply by being here. I think it's fine to feel that way and in many ways existing as a marginalised person really is radical. I just want to make sure we aren't internalising the idea that we can't ever be happy or having a fun frivolous time without justifying it, and passing that idea along to others without meaning to.

[vaspider]

Look. A little advice.

Once you get to a certain amount of Known on the internet or a subsection of it, or even in a subsection of a RL group of people, there are going to be people who will make up a version of you which exists only in their heads and which has absolutely nothing to do with who you are. It might better resemble who you were twenty years ago or it might never have had anything to do at all with who you were then or are now.

You cannot stop this. You cannot prevent this. Once you get a certain number of followers or a certain amount of attention, that's going to happen: people will make up stories about you which either look through a fun-house mirror at some small aspect of who you are and twist it and blow it up until it doesn't resemble you at all, or which just have absolutely no basis in fact whatsoever.

This is just another kind of parasocial relationship; it's the kind which really sucks to deal with, because it's so negative and so pervasive. It's very real, and the frustration you feel about it is very real. Nobody wants to be known incorrectly.

But. You can't control this. It's gonna happen. No matter what you say, no matter how precisely you say it, the people who want to misinterpret you will find a way to do so. This doesn't mean 'don't pay attention to what you say,' or 'don't be purposeful and precise with your language,' but it does mean 'don't obsess over the people who are determined to get you wrong.'

You can be the most anodyne, run-of-the-mill, unremarkable human being, and the people who are determined to hate you will find something that they can point to and say 'ha ha! I told you that Spider danced with the devil at midnight! I witnessed it myself!' (It will not help the situation if you are, say, self-admittedly stubborn as fuck, long-winded, and sometimes kinda fucking obnoxious, but please realize that in the end, it doesn't really matter. This is gonna happen no matter what.)

The people who matter will look at what's being said, wrinkle up their foreheads, and say, 'uh, man, it looks like Spider was actually playing with his dog at 9 am?'

That said, if you don't have elephant-thick skin from being a marginalized-gender human being who's been on the internet since before the web had pictures, there are some things you can do to make it easier when people making things up about you starts to get on your nerves:

Establish protocols for when it becomes too much: have someone read your messages, turn off your notifications, have time where you purposefully disengage.

Establish protocols for how you interact, period: "I will block people without guilt if they engage positively with the people who spread untruths about me." "I will answer everything in public so people can't lie about what I said, because it's right there in public." "I will not answer work-related stuff in DMs, that has to go to the work email." Whatever it is, create some boundaries for yourself. Stick to them. The people who push you to bend them aren't doing that for your benefit but theirs.

If you get someone who really hits your Weirdo Alarm, trust it. Yeah, block and report, but also, take screenshots and store them somewhere that isn't easily erased. I have an 'Internet Weirdos' folder, which makes it a little easier to deal with when people start doing things like 'making threats of physical harm to me and my family.' Don't fuss, just take a screenshot and chuck it in the folder. Having that record makes it easier to just forget that it ever happened, because you have a paper trail if anybody starts doing something Real Weird.

Spend time offline, with people who do actually know you.

Don't get lost in the version of you that someone else makes up in order to make up for the shit that's missing in their own life. You aren't required to play the part that someone else is trying to script for you. It is never to your benefit, only to theirs; you gain nothing by standing in that role for them, and you lose precious seconds of your one irreplaceable life.

You could be using those seconds to look at this video of how to pick up a duck, which I think we can all agree is a better investment of your time.

[takenbypeter]

Not A Date, Date

Steven Grant x reader

Words: 883

Author’s note: this is an old fic I’ve had in my notes since last summer

You don’t know why you said yes.

Well actually you do. You said yes because, well, it’s Steven Grant the cute man who was the whole reason you kept going back to the museum. Steven Grant, the cute gift shop merchant who kept giving you information about Egypt despite him being glued to that counter. He was cute, adorably charming with his accent and he was quite the looker.

But you?

You didn’t think of yourself in that exact light. Actually in this moment you were staring at yourself in your bathroom mirror.

You were wearing an outfit which you’ve worn a few times before but this time something about it wasn’t sitting right.

As you turned to look at your back you couldn’t help but point out every bump that showed.

And while you stood there you couldn’t stop your arms from grabbing at your upper back beginning to feel slightly grossed out.

Before your thoughts could get worse, you quietly shook your head and headed straight for the closet. First changing your top into something a little baggier then of course that meant you had to change the bottom to match.

You went back to the mirror and turned around feeling slightly better at the view but something still felt…off.

As you stood across from the mirror your hands came in front cupping each other. One hand on top and one hand on bottom and like that you squeezed your fingers tight only for a few moments as you stared at yourself your brows beginning to crease in the mirror.

And after thirty seconds of that you realized you couldn’t do this. Maybe not tonight, maybe not ever.

Reaching for your phone you sat on the toilet lid and typed out a message to Steven.

“Can’t make it tonight,” you spoke as you typed and you set the phone down. Upset at yourself for the possibility of disappointing him, you felt this would actually be better for both of you. Expecting a text notification you were surprised when your phone rang instead.

Picking it up once more you noticed it was Steven calling.

You thought about ignoring it. Just forgetting everything happened but instead you hit the answer button and put the phone up to your ear.

“Hello?” You asked.

“Hi, this is Steven. Well you probably knew that,” you couldn’t help but smile a little at his clumsy mannerism, “but am I reading your message right? You want to cancel. Five minutes before our date?”

You looked up at your ceiling staring at the blank color taking in some air, “yeah sorry about that.”

“Did something come up? Did I do something to make you uncomfortable? Did I do something wrong?”

“No. No. Absolutely not,” great now you hated yourself for making him feel this way. “I just…” you closed your eyes head finally swaying down. “I know this may be hard to believe, or it might be easy to believe, I don’t know. But this is my first date.”

“…It’s your first date?”

“Please don’t make fun of me—“

“No of course not, I would never—“

“I already know I’m gonna mess up somehow. I’ll say something wrong or do something really weird,” your eyes roamed the room trying not to break down.

“And we’re going to a classy restaurant. Steven I still order from the kids menu. I barely know how to use a fork for a salad,” you shook your head just picturing how horrible the night is going to go.

The phone was silent and for a moment you were worried you’d lost him.

“I’m in front of your door, can you open it so we can talk face to face, please?”

You pressed your lips together in thought before you went to your front door. And once you opened it you saw those curls and big brown eyes staring at you as his phone was still pressed to his ear.

Bringing the phone down you hung up and he did too, shoving his own back into his jacket pocket. Your eyes drifted down to the small box he had in his hand, no doubt a gift for you.

“Steven thank you for everything but I don’t think—“

“I’m canceling our date.”

“Huh?” That statement got you.

“You don’t have to worry about anything. It’s done it’s cancelled.”

Honestly you did not expect that to happen so easily you expected more of a fight.

“Oh, well thank you and I’m sorry, I was actually really looking forward to it.”

Steven rocked on his feet as you talked. “It’s alright,” he looked to the side, blowing air out of his mouth, “so…got any plans tonight?”

You peered at him curiously.

“Because we could walk around town, just the two of us, no pressure.”

You knew what he was doing and frankly you were sort of grateful for it.

“And by the end of the night we’ll see what we can call it,” he added and you grinned at his proposal.

Nodding you said, “let’s do it,” and Steven grinned back at you. “Oh wait let me grab my things,” you disappear back into your house only to reemerge soon after. And with your bag on your shoulder and the door shut you finally were ready, “let’s go.”

[joelletwo]

wrestling with the 4devas bitchslap again to convince myself its fine if graveyard wins the best ep tourney: it's not the other bloggers who are wrong, it's me

not a complete response to but definitely in conversation with and asking some of the same questions again as @reductionisms's 4devas essay, which tries to square gintoki's "life doesn't need to be fun, i just need you to live" being a series-sanctioned message he's given to villains as an arc-concluding moral continuously up until 4devas with it here being an incorrect worldview that needs to be (physically) corrected by shinpachi, the straightman tonal signpost of gintama

a conflict i have been perplexed by ever since i got to this line on my first watch a year or two ago, since i've seen this line before! all over fandom! as part of the general "dont [bottom text] kill yourself" motivational messaging of gintama that i love!

and, briefly, when i hit 4devas i was also in the middle of being really frustrated by the new arc pattern i was seeing crop up: i loved the villains-turned sympathetic-turned someone worth saving by gintoki tune of the first half of gintama, but it fell massively flat for me in Yoshiwara in Flames, where i was never convinced to be on housen's side but had to watch him get a heartwarming redemptive death at the side of the woman he abused anyways.

then shortly after i had the same exact experience in Red Spider with jiraia, and i thought, if this is what gintama is gonna do with its shitty dudes from now on im gonna quit the fucking show. and then shortly after that i met jirochou and saw him cut down otose the woman he loved (under a raining sky!!! the fucking sky motifs!!! the signpost im about to watch a dude be shittily violent to women and be expected to feel sorry for him about it) and saw too much red to really take in the rest of the arc level-headedly or care about anything in it lol.

so it was written off in my mind as the 'otose almost gets fridged' arc until i rewatched it this week. then i had to remember, oh yeah, there's a ton of political maneuvering fakeouts in this arc that i never actually squared back with how the plot presented itself prior to the reveals, so i'd still been thinking about the "fakeout" plot. then i read the manga version with all the "truths" in mind from the start, and finally i felt like i could understand what this arc is doing a little better.

(way) tldr (4.4k words. sorry): do i love this arc? eh. do i still hate it? eh. but it's doing stuff!

first, i was able to see an echo in all the "actually i was planning to betray you the whole time" "actually i was working to help you the whole time" plot beats of what sorachi does with the larger edo/universe story further into the back half of the manga. if i ever sound like i didnt enjoy or wasnt convinced by the execution of these "reveals," it's because i didnt and wasnt, lol. but it's fun that he had fun with them i guess.

the arc starts with pirako ingratiating herself into yorozuya, then having a classic "bump into you and pretend to be injured to extort you" encounter w her dad's gang. to resolve this without escalating into violence, gintoki... does it back to them, which is really funny. but thus the tone is set for the arc of: DISHONEST APPROACHES TO CONFLICT.

pirako isnt honest about her overall intentions the, like, seven different times that she "admits her real ones." kada plays at peacekeeper in the devas while being the ultimate person scheming to get the upper hand over everyone else in the end. (she's also secretly harusame, evil amanto outsider who acts as a unifying force for the kabukicho fighting itself to band together against and expel: sorachi's favorite move! the problem was never internal, it's the shadowy REAL antagonists who infiltrated us)

jirochou and otose are ultimately doing a pantomime of conflict to try to keep temperatures down and escalations from breaking out, so no one they care about has to get hurt. gintoki doesn't know this until the end, but he follows in their footsteps after his encounter with them in the graveyard: he plays at having given up to the rest of yorozuya so they'll leave and escape the coming kabukicho war, the same thing otose was trying with him. it fails both times. i'm really not sure why gintoki and otose thought it would work, honestly. they should know their kids are stubborn as hell.

but gintoki is in a bind because of the things he needs to protect, and all of his actions are primarily in service of that, to the detriment of how he'd prefer to act if he were less restricted. he is unsurprised and unoffended to hear saigou is only willing to warn them, not help them, because her son is in danger if she acts directly. all four devas are, seemingly, being mutually restrained this way, holding back even when blatantly manipulated to do so. the other constant of this arc: everyone is dishonest, and no one wants to risk losing what they have.

gintoki understands that! of course! he's had to make that calculus before, after all :)

and this arc is just one big cliff scene echo: the entire graveyard scene pushing gintoki to emotional regression because he thinks he's losing another parent figure, one he's just seen the Gintoki Figure of the arc cut down, no less (takasugi stolen valor when he goes berserk against him and only ends up uselessly bleeding out on the ground about it, honestly). otose goes into this willingly so gintoki can live. he accepts this decision because he values protecting her values (her kids living on) and is briefly broken by it (the story says, before giving him shinpachi to "put him back on track"). prior to the bitchslap, after saying he just wants them to live, even if it has to be without him, he says:

i dont have a good understanding of when we start getting reveals of gintoki's backstory versus foreshadowing because i went into gintama already knowing most of it, but definitely by the recent red spider where we get our first real look at (or really, first listen to) shouyou. but here we actually get some of what gintoki felt about it, which he keeps closely guarded even when the whole truth comes out: he's done his best to survive having lost, but it was so unbearable he can't face losing again.

(also, honorable mention backstory echo, the person calling him a brother sets his home on fire to drive him and his parent figure out of town. as i liveblogged: this one would really hurt gintoki if gintoki cared about anything oboro ever did!)

but with the shinpachi story-rerouting, they get the good end, keep everyone (otose, yorozuya, all of kabukicho, even pirako and her dad - everyone but kada) safe without having to sacrifice a single thing, even keep gintoki hopeful for this outcome. so, as goose points out, we are left to understand that there could have been a good end on the cliff, that something is different here than there, and, skipping a lot of math, that that is the people around gintoki.

which i do find really funny to imagine as a slam on takasugi and katsura. sorry you kids suck too much, your teacher dies bc u were cringefail. but lets look at it.

everyone is dishonest, no one wants to risk what they have: gintoki rallies himself to keep fighting but is determined to do it alone. kagura and shinpachi fight him on this; they can't leave because they don't want to lose their home, they can't let him fight alone because they don't want to lose him. they're just as restricted by what they have to keep safe, but their only option is to act where everyone else's is inaction. shinpachi says:

if i may skip over the bitchslap itself for now, gintoki does consent to let his allies fight with him after it. yorozuya stands alone against saigou, who's heavily demoralized but resigned, strongarmed into fighting them by the threat to her son. but on seeing their resolve to keep protecting their own precious home and family she says:

and, to skip straight to my thought, i think this is what turns the tides back in their favor. there are more twists and turns to the fight. pirako equates what binds saigou, which she herself equates to what binds the yorozuya, to what binds her:

(with an intentional distinction that she's willing to actively destroy the others', as opposed to their purely self defensive fighting, which is echoed at some point in her distinguishing gintoki from jirochou in the same way, that jirochou not only lives to protect like gintoki but is willing to destroy in the process. i don't find that part as interesting, but it's more fuel to the power of having something to protect as a driving force as an arc theme.)

so now all three stand on the same ground, absolutely unwilling to give up what they hold dear, but all their cards are on the table. they aren't dealing in 12 dimensions of tricksy defensive pre-emptive moves anymore. they know it wouldnt work, anyways, since they all know their drives to protect are the same and no one will be talked into backing down. now they can directly duke it out and let the winner be determined that way, on strength of will. even before the actual circumstances change, the fight somehow feels freer seeing how inevitable it is. and with everything out in the open, yorozuya can now protect each other and saigou's son, taking out one side of the conflict.

(and with everything out in the open, the ultimate 4devas villain can become the single person who continues to betray the others, kada, whose further machinations - with everything out in the open! - saigou (and later yorozuya) can choose to protect pirako from. everyone wins! because everything was out in the open! do you see where i'm going)

and so we come back to the question: gintoki is corrected, the arc is rerailed to the better outcome. so is the correction justified?

what does the correction accomplish outside of its moment? most convincingly to me of goose's presented options, i also think it's done as a thematic shift, a, okay, just live was a strategy that worked before but now doesn't suffice, so we need something more.

as to why this is needed now and not earlier or later...tldr bad planning <3 but like.

we have, prior to this, a consistent thrust of arcs where gintoki teaches people to lose. as well, while we meet the harusame and we visit space and we get the barest glimpses of takasugi's weird shadowy background moves there, largely we're dealing with kabukicho characters and kabukicho stories. we see or only hear about the shogun for short comedic moments only. we've largely dropped the series intro focus on things like the shinsengumi or hasegawa acting as foreign diplomats. it's a local series, a hometown series, a kabukicho and not even an edo at large series, a personal story about gintoki making personal connections with his personal experience as a flawed person with a flawed approach to life that has let him, chronic slacker, get by on the bare minimum.

at this moment, chapter 300, we have a slow trickle of gintoki backstory starting to come out to us. we've recently expanded the story focus to include yoshiwara, which gets a callout in this arc by kada to keep it relevant. we have an arc of sorachi testing out plot beats that he'll use again for the endgame, in all the political maneuvering and alliancing and betraying and shadowy outsider space governmenting, where he's also doing a lot of echoing of that backstory that only becomes clear later. so it's possible he's thinking about shifting gears and setting up for the eventual endgame, which means getting out of the episodic cycle so things can stick.

and after this arc, to my opinion and memory, we stop getting the classic gintama flavor sympathizable'd antagonists. a lot of the bigger arcs don't even have clear Big Shot antagonists anymore, being more about the shouyoucore theme of characters fighting against themselves, or if there is one they're always explicitly part of the Shadow Government now, a unified and more daunting force than someone they can win over with an inspiring gintoki interaction.

so 4devas does act as a turning point at least in some way. and it's not possible to say this definitively, since all gintama arcs are ultimately never going to be about gintoki or his friends Actually losing something instead of beating the odds, but it does feel like theres a different flavor to, say, dekobokko with its direct look at how chars lives could be different and better and they will still choose to keep struggling as themselves. and Kintama arc definitely doesn't feel like an early days arc, like it can only resolve the way it does with a gintoki who is now able to face his past and the possibility of losing again and again and again (now with, natch, his faith that yorozuya will by his side when he does).

why now, after 300 chapters of letting it sit ignored in the back of his brain working out perfectly fine except when it doesn't (the very reminder of shouyou in a fight making him go Demon Mode, which is like regular gintoki but worse at fighting, bc he is so unprepared to think about shouyou)? well i personally am in big favor of the "take a decade off" strategy for facing problems. it worked for me too. realistically watsonianly its nice to let things percolate in the brain and do some of the processing behind the scenes until its less immediately painful. and he's made many bonds over these 300 chapters, shown in this arc when the whole town rallies behind him, that are there to support him when he needs it now and weren't there before.

realistically doylistly eh. bad planning.

and so we come back to the question: gintoki is corrected, the series as a result is rerailed to a writing space where things can start changing (leave the episodic, as you guys say, sazae-san format). it's useful in the future. so is the correction justified in terms of what comes before it? was the correction needed?

thinking about the bitchslap leads to thinking about the cliff scene leads to (sorry kagura and katsura, you guys arent really relevant here) pitting shinpachi and takasugi against each other in how they act with something on the line they can't bear to give up.

i don’t need the lesson of 4devas to apply logistically to the cliff scene. once they were set up on that chessboard, frozen in their assigned places as a backstory, it’s not like takasugi could’ve power of friendship’d his way out of being physically retrained if he decided he wanted to. it’s set up as a forced choice, it has to play out as a forced choice.

but we see that even before it’s asked of him, takasugi is willing, prepared, unbothered to give up his own life for shouyou’s. this is, goose lays out in the sequel, the cardinal sin in gintama - a teacher shouldn’t outlive their student. it would have been especially egregious to shouyou, whose whole desired life’s purpose is to raise students who can outlive him and outgrow him, take his lessons and go out into the world and do their own thing with them. takasugi doesn’t expect to do this and doesn’t seem to see a point in the possibility if shouyou isn’t back with them.

though we can also think of shouyou as a little too quickly willing to give up on the cliff - sorry, gintoki, the suicidal guy has thought about it for .02 seconds and decided the best outcome is for you to kill him even though he could get out of this no problem. maybe its no wonder gintoki gave up too. can we ask katsura what he would’ve done?

and is takasugi different from shinpachi there? he rejects the mentor’s attempt to exchange his own life for his. he’s not willing to consider a life without him.

but shinpachi is convinced no one is going to die. because they’ll be there together. incredibly naive - shinpachi and kagura, restricted to one option by what they need to protect like everyone is in 4devas, have acting as that one option because they are still free in a way gintoki and the other adults aren't. they’ve never actually experienced the impossible choice that forces you to give up, so they can act as if there isn’t one - what else would they do? why would they think to give up?

but gintoki is defined by having lived the impossible choice. its built into the foundation of him as a character and leaks out everywhere. he couldn’t have relied on his friends on the cliff because they were quite forcibly removed from the picture as an option, not by his or their choice. its written as an inevitability, logistics we find out later be damned.

if we refocus to 4devas, we can look at the Gintoki Figure for a different angle. jirochou, after he and gintoki resolve the arc conflict by being able to team up because they - say it with me - put everything out in the open, tells gintoki about his impetus for abandoning his family and coming back to his wayward life in kabukicho, the death of otose's husband.

it's, um, another now really obvious parallel to gintoki, lol. characters talk about how jirochou does everything he does in this arc to try to atone for his failure to both otose and tatsugorou, and i guess thats true bc he was written that way but he has an odd way of showing it, but anyways he resolves that, despite his guilt over this, all he can do now is keep living and keep protecting what they loved together. he's come to the usual gintama message all on his own, reinforcing that this is the correct way to live in this series. he had his own unavoidably shitty situation, and he came to terms with it.

so then where did jirochou go wrong, in the narrative's eyes (other than abandoning one woman and their child to deal drugs in the town of his other woman while ignoring her)? was there a point he could've changed how their trio's story played out? but he loved and trusted tatsugorou, and he was happy to step aside and let him be the one by their otose's side. i doubt he would have been happy stealing her away even if it were possible.

but if we look at the resolution tool of 4devas... he never put everything out in the open!!! everyone knows he loved otose, but in more of an open secret way. in classic romance plot, he never confessed for second male lead rejection closure. indeed, in the closest we ever get to a main character having a romantic plot in gintama, the very ending of the arc flirts with him doing just that now that he's made a little progress with the arc message, with the entire cast of the arc expecting him to (and interrupting before he can).

but if he had when they were young. if he had been honest with his friends. could it have opened up other options that weren't available on his own, that they didnt know to offer? i have a preferred one lol. but u can get creative with all sorts of life paths that avoid tatsugorou dying that way or, at the least, jirochou feeling chained to a shameful life (living in a town he doesn't go out in to protect a woman he doesnt talk to and feeling like he doesnt deserve the family he abandoned for this) because of it.

and then if we take this and rewind back to the cliff... we get to grind my favorite ax, "shouyou shouldve told literally anyone literally anything about his deal." if gintoki knew more about shouyou, they could've faced his horrors together, the whole time. he couldve known that shouyou was being literal calling himself a demon and not internalized his own identity as one for life just because shouyou bonded with him over it. i truly genuinely think the logical conclusion of all of gintama's big messages are that shouyou and gintoki should have been more open with each other.

but i don't think sorachi thinks that. and, you know, by 4devas rules, the unriskable precious things he was protecting by staying silent were his students' humanity, and secondarily his own fragilely newly hopeful heart that literally couldnt stand another 10 millionth round of rejection (killed himself and then went on a 12 year rampage over it. girl i would too).

and takasugi really isn't dishonest about what's going on in his head when he tells us he expects to die for shouyou. that's as cards on the table as i could ask. gintoki is, a little bit, by omission. he does what i'd want him to here - tells takasugi try just not dying - but doesn't give him a reason to, and doesn't tell him he has no plans of letting anyone die for shouyou.

so what goes wrong on the cliff - shouyou is happy, gintoki is happy, oboro's even kind of happy, katsura is irrelevant - is that takasugi is blindsided (whoops) by their silent agreement that betrays the one he thought he and gintoki had. and then ruins everyone's party about it and spends the next ten years doing so for good measure.

which is also, basically, what shinpachi is going through that prompts the bitchslap, too. he thought they were a team, that they had each others backs, not that gintoki is a one-way protector of them. he is blindsided by gintoki lying to and tricking them and hiding things from them. he is hurt by gintoki feeling hopeless all by himself when he could share that with them and be encouraged by their endless child optimism.

and would it need to have changed anything on the cliff? in the moment after the bitchslap, what contributes to gintoki changing his mindset is tama telling him, we trust that you're capable bc youve always shown us that, can you trust us this time? when, later in the arc, gintoki seems to regress by sending kagura and shinpachi away, he asks them to trust that he's still trusting them, relying on them to help shoulder his burden, and in return they know he's staying alive, not self sacrificing. maybe it would've helped just to feel on the same team and not shut out, to be able to trust gintoki like gintoki was trusting shouyou?

so. two paralleled instances of gintoki making a bad situation worse by keeping to himself and being too self sufficient. that feels clear cut that feels fine im okay with that as a takeaway. do i think its exactly what sorachi had in mind while writing this, as opposed to just a good series 'hey lean on your friends' moment to read cool and tug at the heartstrings? eh lol. i think theres definitely room to read takasugi into this arc (i still need to refind the takagin 4devas post...) but its not so baked in that i think he was a PRIORITY in the plotting.

but is the shinpachi SCOLDING necessary is the scolding justified... and yes its in response to life doesnt need to be fun i just want you to live. still a confusing framing i can't immediately square. but/and more immediately its directly responding. to gintoki opening up to them about his insecurities!!

which, as said, he doesnt do!! he doesnt talk about his failures! its basically like, here and to hijikata that one time and otherwise even when we know all the facts about what happened we still never hear gintoki himself talk about it. (so he really DOESNT learn the lesson here either. he stays dissociated and triggered every time utsuro comes up. he tries to solve the altana baby problem on his own. he doesnt talk to his new friends OR his old friends. bwah. gintoki. silver soul.)

so this is like. its just in the wrong order!! its just in a baffling order lol. if you want gintoki to share his burden do you need to punch him when he shares it. does it also need to sound like you're blaming him for not being capable of upholding his promise to protect anyone when thats the insecurity thats got him all discombobulated this arc in the first place (a whole set of notes i took on this that i didnt find a place for in this post)?? its so weeeeiiiiiirddd lol i dont liiikeee itttttt. theres plenty of things shinpachi can validly punch gintoki for but this is such a weird one.

so i guess. having a clearer understanding of this arc do i hate it less? YES honestly. i hate fakeout plots generally they irritate me but everything... more or less makes sense by gintama standards now that i have the whole plot in mind.

do i hate jirochou less SORT OF? i enjoy him. in his individual relationships. i like his shitty dad deal i love shitty dads. i like him pining for otose who genuinely likes him but also brings up her husband every sentence she says to him just to keep him down. i like his parallels with gintoki that they both explicitly acknowledge and find macho comfort in. hes still not theeeeeeeee most well-developed gintama antagonist but you know? i at least think otose and pirako would want to be around him after this.

do i feel like i have a clearer understanding of the bitchslap moment. NOT CONVINCED I DO. i feel like its going to be one of those things that slips in and out of my understanding like sand in cupped hands. i have a tentative understanding of it that i dont think sorachi actually had in mind. so i dont think ive solved it lol.

will i be cursed to think about 4devas forever? god i hope not. am i okay with it beating farewell shins in the polls. god i fucking hope it does. in the horrible timeline where i have to see 305 make it all the way and then lose i guess id rather it be to this one than to hijigin. consider this poll propaganda?

[itsjusthockey]

Last Night In Anaheim - Trevor Zegras

Can you believe it? My page will finally not be a Jack Hughes fan page. Keeping sending requests, I love them.

Thank you for all the love and support! You’re all so kind and it makes my night every time I get a message.

!!!!WARNING!!!!: This is not a fun fic. I wrote this as a challenge to see if I can do angst and to hurt my own feelings and I was successful. I was having a really bad week and no better time to write sad emotions then when you’re sad.

Anyway, I’m better now and there is so many happy ones coming, so don’t worry.

wc: 2,364 (credit to gif maker)(please don’t steal my work)

Please let me know your opinions. I was hesitant to post this, but I decided I liked it.

————————-

Today would be your last day in Anaheim, and that notion alone was enough to shatter your heart into a million pieces. This feeling wasn’t one you were a stranger to, and as often as it was coming around, you didn’t know if it would ever fade.

You stare hard at the bowl of cereal in front of you, staring at the few fruit loops floating in the cascade of milk and wishing you didn’t feel this way. You continue to stare until you hear the noise of Trevor getting out of the shower, and within a few minutes, he’s strolling into the kitchen, making small talk with you.

He’s not stupid, he knows something is wrong, but he thinks that it's better if he doesn’t push you. So he doesn’t. Instead, he grabs his practice bag, kisses you on the forehead, and heads out the door, promising he’ll be back soon and you’ll spend the rest of the night together.

You watch him go, and when the door slams shut, your heart cracks again.

With him gone, you start to think about him. People like Trevor don't come around often. Once in a lifetime, maybe, if you're lucky.

He’s a special type of person, who loves with his entire being, and you’re just the lucky girl he chose. You know you love him, too; you’re painfully aware of that fact. You love everything about him. You love his smile that makes your knees go weak, his laugh that you hated at first until it became utterly contagious, and his dramatic personality that is sometimes so outrageous, but you love it anyway.

Before you know what you’re doing, you’re packing. You’re not going to run away, that would be worse than what you know you have to do, but you also know better. You know that if you pack now, he won’t have time to convince you to stay.

You knew this wasn’t fair; you knew that it wasn’t his fault, and you knew that you loved him more than almost everything else. But you also knew that if you continue to love him, it was going to continue to destroy you.

You look at the clock; it’s only 3:00 in the afternoon. He’ll be back at seven. In the meantime, you’ll begin to grieve because heartbreak is an odd experience. At 4:00, you wish you could hide from the sunlight streaming into the windows. At 4:30, you feel unstoppable and decide that maybe you’re just in a slump, and this will pass. Around 5:00, you're crying in his room, silently, hoping that this won’t actually kill you. At 5:30, you're kneeling in front of the toilet because you feel nauseous. At 6:00, you grow brave again, and you feel like you can manage. At 7:00, just before you know he’s coming back; you're exhausted from this emotional roller coaster, and your brain is unsuccessfully trying to regain control. When it hits 7:15, and you hear the car door outside slam shut, you wish you could feel anything, anything but this.

When he opens the door, you’re sitting in the place where he left you, and goosebumps flood his skin. He lets the door shut behind him softly, and he takes you in. You don’t seem outwardly sad, but when you meet his eyes, he feels like he’s missed something, and he knows he’s about to pay for it.

When his eyes bore into your soul, and he picks you apart layer by layer, you can’t help but think that he’s the perfect guy, through and through.

Even so, you can’t lie to yourself; that’s just the way of things. You know that if you could try to convince yourself that the pain is just deception, the scales will balance out, but every feeling will bubble to the surface eventually.

“We need to talk.” You whisper.

It’s four words. But they hold the weight of the world, and Trevor knows it. So he drops his bag, walks over, pulls out the stool opposite you, and sits down.

When you bring your face to meet his, he sees a tear roll down. He has the urge to wipe it away, but he pushes it down as he waits for you to speak, even though he desperately doesn’t want to know what you’re about to say.

“I’m leaving.” You breathe out. “Tonight.”

His mouth goes dry.

“No,” he almost pleads. “You’re not.”

At this point, your tears are falling freely. You hate yourself for doing this, but you also love yourself enough to know this is what’s best for you and him.

“I have to go.” You tell him. “I’m falling apart, and you can’t fix me.”

At your admission, tears start falling freely from his own eyes, and rage starts to build in his heart.

“What is that supposed to mean (Y/N)? We have been so good, baby, haven’t we?”

The last two weeks play through his mind. You had come to stay with him, and he’d loved every second of having you here. He loved when he’d wake up, and you’d be curled up next to him. He loved when you were there after practice to tell him that everyone else sucked at hockey except him, he loved that you’d taken over his bathroom with all your products, and he loved that when you were here, he felt complete.

So how the fuck did he miss that you didn’t feel the same?

“Trevor.” You can see him spiraling in his own thoughts, so you pull him back to you. “I love you-“

“No.” You see his own heart breaking behind his eyes. “Don’t start. Don’t give me a breakup speech, don’t give up on us.”

“Trevor.”

“Don’t give up on me.” He begs.

A sob falls from your lips as he speaks, and you wish you could explain that it wasn’t him. It was all you. You wish you could explain that you need to figure yourself out. Because you owe it to him to love him as deeply as he loves you.

So you try, you take a deep breath, and try.

“I love you, Trevor, more than anything, but I need time to figure things out. Something,” you pause. “In my heart isn’t letting me be at peace. And you don’t deserve that. You deserve someone who knows what is happening with their own heart. You deserve someone to give you all the love you deserve, you deserve-“

“I know what I deserve, and I deserve you. Isn't that the whole point of love? Sticking with someone even when times get tough? What's the point of telling someone you love them if you're going to leave them? What's the fucking point of love if you're just going to let it go?”

His words burn, and you want more than anything to forget about this. To crawl across the table and let him hold you. Let yourself believe that he can mend the hole that has been in your heart for the last few months. You want to believe that you deserve him, that you’re it, but you can’t.

Trevor abruptly pulls himself from the table and storms in the direction of his room. You’re quick to follow behind.

He scans his room, then the bathroom, then the closet. He begins crying even harder than he realizes that everything is gone. The clothes in the closet, the products in the bathroom, the extra shoes on the floor next to his. All the things that you’d brought were gone, packed into the suitcase you had brought.

“Do you even care about me?” He asks quietly.

He knows the answer, you know he does, but he’s hurting, and he wants to make you say it.

“You know I do.” You choke out.

You wrap your arms around yourself, trying to chase off the cold and the sudden emptiness. Trevor sucks in a hard breath, then speaks again.

“Then why are you breaking my heart?"

You shrink back even further, wanting to crawl deeper within yourself. His question goes unanswered. You don’t know what to say.

Trevor doesn’t know what to say either. He knows what you both have is love, but as he is replaying the last few months, he realizes that he is seeing a perfect illusion.

He sinks to the floor, and you follow suit, sitting about four feet away from each other. You’re both so close, but you’ve never felt further apart.

“Can we at least talk about this?” He croaks.

“You’ll convince me to stay.” You whisper. “And I can’t stay. I won’t do that to you.”

The anger flares up again in his chest.

“You don’t get it.” His head snaps up to you, his eyes are red from crying, and his lip shakes. “You’re the best thing I never knew I needed.”

You both sit there and cry for what feels like hours. You don’t say anything, and neither does he.

When you finally have enough courage to speak, he beats you to it.

“I’m not letting you go tonight.” He states.

“Trevor, I-” you start.

“No.” He interrupts. “It’s late, and I’m not letting you get on a red eye or stay in a hotel room alone.”

You want to argue. The last place you want to be is with him. Just looking at him has you wishing you could wither away.

He gets up from the floor without another word and starts grabbing a few things, including a pillow and a throw blanket, from his bed and heading to the door.

“What’re you doing, Trev?” He cringes at the nickname but stops anyway.

“You can have the room; I’ll stay on the couch.”

He leaves the bedroom, and you begin crying again. You want to go back in time; you want to go back to when you weren’t a mess.

When you pull yourself from the floor, you decide the only thing you can do is get ready for bed. So you mindlessly pull out your skincare and begin your routine.

You don’t make it thirty seconds before you’re crying again. You are thinking about all the times you’ve done your night routine with him and how it was always your favorite part of your day.

It’s late when you leave the bathroom, and you listen for him outside, but it’s silent. You climb into the bed, breathing in the all too familiar and comforting scent of him, and you feel yourself sink deeper into yourself. You had spent most of the day crying, and you feel as though you have no more tears to give, but they begin falling anyway.

Soon, your whole body is wracked with sobs, and you’re trying to contain it, but you can’t. Tears are soaking Trevor’s pillows, and your world is burning down around you, but you know it’s what’s best for both of you.

You don’t hear him until he knocks, and you still.

“(Y/N).” He calls softly. “Can I come in?”

You know you shouldn’t let him, but you can’t help but feel like you owe it to him and yourself to let him in.

“Sure.” Your voice is rough, and you cringe when you hear it.

He twists the doorknob and enters the dark room, and before you know it, he’s climbing in next to you, not daring to touch you, but still there.

You both sit in silence, tears falling from both of your eyes. You think he maybe fell asleep because his breathing is steady, but then he breaks the silence again.

“Tell me I mean something to you.”

You want to scream suddenly. You wish he knew how much he meant to you. You wish he could understand that he has made you a better person in so many ways. You wish he knew there wasn’t a time when he wasn’t on your mind. You wish he knew that the distance was killing you and that you could barely breathe when he wasn’t around you. You wish knew that you loved him so fucking much, but you had to heal yourself before you broke him too.

“You mean everything.”

Silence. Nothing but heavy silence plagues the space you’re in.

A few minutes pass when Trevor speaks again.

“Can I hold you? One last time? Please.” He whimpers.

You nod in the dark, but he must’ve felt it because he’s pulling you in. His grip is iron tight on you as if he’s afraid you’ll try to leave him in the dark. He knows that you have to go, he doesn’t get it, but he knows that he trusts you. He trusts you to understand your feelings, and if you were pushing him away, he knew it was because you didn’t want to hurt him.

However, he wished that you knew that he didn’t care. He would rather be hurt by you every day than not have you at all. He wished that you knew that he would let you leave tomorrow, but he wasn’t going to let you slip away. He wish you knew that you were it for him, that you were everything.

You wait for him to fall asleep, and when he does, you let your mind wander, knowing sleep isn’t an option for you. Instead, you think about your entire relationship. Everything that you’d been through together. You hated to do this. You hated it. But it was the right thing to do.

You have to let him go.

So you will. However, you decide to let yourself have this last night. You cuddle closer to Trevor and relish in the feeling of being in his arms. You count his breaths and let yourself think, just for the night, that you’re okay. So that’s what you do; you lay there, go over every precious memory you will hold onto forever, and enjoy being here with him—this one last time.

Tonight will be your last night in Anaheim, and tomorrow you’ll leave. The very thought of that breaks your heart all over again, and you wonder, deep down, if you’re going to make it.

[elliespuns]

You shouldn’t even apologize for replying to a random message on your own account, especially since it’s clear you didn’t do it with bad intentions. It wasn’t your idea to spread hate, and I haven’t seen you do that since I started following you (about a month ago, I think). In fact, I think you’re nice.

And even though I also saw that you talked about my fellow countrywoman (Isabela) and I commented a few days ago that it wasn’t her fault for looking young, I didn’t even get upset with you because it was your opinion, and your opinion was quite casual and respectful, which was fine.

Well, I’m using a translator, so there might be errors and of course, I’m anonymous because I’m a little embarrassed. You don’t need to respond to this message; it would be enough if you read it and see that someone supports you and tells you that you didn’t do anything wrong.

adiós y besitosss, not gonna smack you🖤

The worst thing about the whole thing is that I KNOW my intentions weren't bad, but the others don't (and won't) see it that way because it was posted and it can't be taken back (especially when people reblogged it, because even though I deleted the post, it's still out there).

But I get it. It's my fault that I wasn't more careful. People don't see in my head. They have no idea what I've been posting and talking about in the last year. I've always talked about Bella Ramsey with respect. I was getting upset with people calling them ugly, and here I am today... one silly, innocent giggle at a funny face they were making, and everyone thinks I started a bully post. 

Honestly, I wasn't thinking because, as I said in my apology post, I do giggle at game Ellie's silly faces in photos all the time, and I am so used to it by now that giggling at a meme with Bella wouldn't even occur to me to be a bad thing at first.

But at the end, it was a shitty thing (I admit it), because no matter what my intentions were, it looked bad and wasn't nice because Bella is not a fictional character but a real person. The worst part is that I was just honestly chuckling at the silly face they were making, not the fact that someone was actually making fun of them (I wasn't making fun of them when I hit "post" so it didn't occur to me that this would be exactly what it looked like). 

I am not ashamed to admit I was wrong, even though I know a lot of people see me differently now because, as I said, my consciousness is clear. If you look up #bella ramsey on my blog, you won't see any hateful or disrespectful comments or posts about them. Quite the contrary, I was always the one to say they are extremely adorable, and I even remember saying this a long time before S02 was even confirmed, and I was like, "How're they going to pull out the tough look looking like this?!"

I said my peace. In my heart, I did nothing wrong, but on my blog, I did a stupid thing. That was all it was. I kind of deserve the smack, tbh.

Thank you for being so kind. I am glad there are people noticing what I am as a person through my posts.

[vanzol]

10/17 Rambling

Bruh actually trying to date in college is so hard, like wtf do I do.

Also I do focus on myself and my studies, i'm not obsessed with being in a relationship. I've been single my whole life and I just wanted to put myself out there romantically. had to put the disclaimer before people start telling me I don't need to be focused on that right now. I'm young. Let me have a little fun, I get bored lol.

ANYWAYS dating is hell, campus is big asf and i'm not a manifestor or a romanticize your life girlie, so unfortunately the chances of me having a random meet-cute are -0.00043% (I did the math). I tried hinge, but I deleted it after 4 hours because there was just no logical reasoning behind who was messaging me. Like beauty is in the eye the beholder, and i'm a black woman so I KNOW not everyone will be attracted to me, (and that's fine bc i've grown from middle school and know i'm cute now lmao) but don't play in my face omg. All i'm trynna do is find a cute nerd to go on study dates with that can help me become better at uplink.

ALSO I keep attracting men that want to make me a housewife (idk what vibe I give off, but I hate it), and at this point i'd rather deal with a noncommital man. Like I can't even explore anything cause y'all want kids in your future and I don't so what's the point in getting attached if we aren't compatible in that way ugh, it just sucks the fun out of everything, but it's important to know so that I don't waste my time.

so yeah...dating is rough and honestly, even having a solid platonic relationship with someone besides my roomie would do wonders. Don't get me wrong me and my roommate get along great. I definitely hit the jackpot, but having someone else on campus to chill with would be nice too.

If you read this far, I hope you get a nice home cooked meal or somethin, you deserve it.

Also this is random, but i know stunna girl is terrible bc she helped kidnap and torture that one woman, but she kinda ate "i like pullin on his chains missionary style" cause the visual...I've never been one to care about about a man's neck jewelry of all things, but now I need some chains to pull on idkkkk.

[starfiretruther]

i feel like ever since comics left the silver age there has been this bizarre nearly fetishistic desire to associate robins with this stripping of innocence that has to do with you fundamentally still seeing them as the child robin figure for it to be shocking. like killing robins, having them be in these toxic relationships, showing them being sexualized (often by notably older chars) is all part of this really uncomfortable still ongoing trend. and i’m not saying that as robins grow up they can’t experience sex and sexual exploration or dark themes, i actually think ntt’s take on this was really honoring of dick and explored what it would be like to grow up under the robin mantle and also what it would take to come into one’s own identity afterwards, but usually this trend makes me really uncomfortable, like how dick has been written to be sexually assaulted multiple times (ive never seen it done tactfully), or how more than one adaptation has harley make a comment about how much dick has grown up (ew), or how they wanted to kill tim drake with aids in the 90s (they instead went with extrano). i guess while there is nothing technically wrong with making an adult male character a little sexy, the modern obsession with dick’s ass feels like an extension of this to me still. like dc and it’s fans don’t know how to be normal about robins. idk if that makes sense or maybe i project too much but i just really wish there was more skill and intention with writing robins and less schlock and awe

hm while i don’t disagree i feel like the general ‘stripping of innocence’ happened to most child or at least happy go lucky characters (e.g. bucky barnes), not just robin. Robin stands out cuz they’ve been the most recognisable child/sidekick hero in media. Comics in general took a turn to darker (less fun) “serious” stories in the 80s. Robin in particular has been a target for hate since the 60s because fans thought he made batman campy and gay (there was the whole seduction of the innocent thing where they said batman and robin were coded queer messaging trying to indoctrinate the children). I think rather than Dick, Jason got hit with the most ire of the editorial and fans and when stories kept getting darker and darker, he became an unfortunate victim. Dick (at least in this time period) had a lot of dignity, getting a well-thought out coming of age narrative through nightwing and being firmly cemented as a respectable, reliable adult hero (thanks to the titans and his romance with kory). While comics always had a touch of fanservice, his sexualization really started around the late 90s and had a resurgence during the n52-rebirth era. I think any of his prior sexualization was standard male fantasy stuff (this guy gets all the ladies type thing). I think in Tim’s case they weren’t going for a “let’s destroy his innocence “ thing and more of a way to both modernise him for a contemporary (90s) audience and also distance him far away from the gay allegations (how ironic lol). They still wanted the kid watson to Batman’s brooding sherlock but also just more “normal” so the kids relate. Which is why they made him a cheater etc and i know how tf is that better but they really didn’t want him to be gay fhdjfj. I don’t know much abt the aids story pitch though. Steph and Damian are also better examples of “stripping the innocence” storylines for Robin than Dick and Tim. Steph also had a tragic death, and Damian’s first introduction is as a child assassin (antithesis to innocence). I agree that it’s weird people are so weird abt robins (and child characters in general) but imo it reflects more on an audience’s (and editorial’s) insecurity regarding childish, campy things because why are you mad at the camp medium for being camp? Learn to have some fun LEWSER.

I feel like most dick grayson fans feel so strongly abt this is because they like his prudish and insecure ntt characterisation (and so do i tbh it’s very interesting) and also the multiple SA storylines that a) never got resolved or b) were handled poorly. BUT that dick grayson hasn’t been in comics for a while now. We haven’t seen any acknowledgment from dc’s editorial that dick is a rape survivor, he’s been consistently characterized as a confident metrosexual (eww hate that word) guy both in his civilian and superhero persona (and that agent 37 grayson thing is the biggest culprit here). He’s also retroactively being portrayed as a smooth talking flirt in his robin days now so clearly that’s what they’re going for (imo i think they’re doing what they did with tim to dick's robin just to make him look more “normal” and relatable and straight).

Dick’s robin era is still treated as peak batman&robin era and he’s still a symbol for innocent, “simpler” times. He’s gotten the most grace when transitioning from child to teen to adult hero. On the topic of his sexualization aka the butt issue, it’s only cuz he’s one of the most popular male hero they can sexualize. I genuinely don’t think there’s any malice from the editorial since Dick has been an adult for 40 years now and there’s nothing wrong with sexing up his stories BUT ALSO i get why fans are upset cuz they’re deliberately ignoring his past characterization and sexual history to make him into a more palatable, marketable character. And tbh it’s been going on for long enough that it might as well be his defining character trait now :/ .

[proudfreakmetarusonniku]

hate how problematic is used as a blanket term for everything that’s not perfectly up to date with modern social mores like it removes so much nuance because there’s degrees to everything that it erased.

like. i love rocky horror so fucking much but it has not aged the best in some aspects and i can totally understand why people might not like it because of that. but it was also a very deliberately queer movie made by queer people very obviously making fun of the way society saw queer people at the time (and still do now unfortunately) that had a message of acceptance that was utterly radical at the time, with gender nonconformity and open queer sexuality very explicit. the community around it was a safe haven for queer people at the time and it's influence on the queer scene is massive because it was a massively popular avenue for expression, and not only that but it was an open space for sexuality and expressiveness in general which was still awful even for cishet men and women in the seventies let’s be honest. it’s impact on media and on society has been, for the most part, very positive and well intentioned. I’m not saying it doesn’t have issues, and it doesn’t have negative impacts, but it’s been beloved so long because it was a well intentioned and incredibly progressive film for it’s time that still honestly hits home a lot in some ways even today.

and like, that’s obviously not the same thing as work that has had no positive impact on the world, works whos bigotry is virulent and poisonous, and works created by hatemongers spending active money on hurting people (yes, i know richard o brian has regressive views on trans people, but as far as i know money isn’t literally being donated to fund hate groups from that which is the issue with people like jk rowling.)! it’s absolutely not the same as works that, for instance, deliberately and unironically demonise the queer community. it’s honestly pretty problematic in itself to say a work by queer people very much making fun of their own oppression is the exact same as their oppressors making work about how they deserve to be oppressed. these are clearly very different! a film half a century old having views that were very progressive back then but just aren’t now is something that you should think critically about, but it’s an important part of history and it’s something that can absolutely be still worthwhile to many queer people because it was genuinely made with the intention of lifting up the community! stuff like troubled blood was made solely to oppress us, to keep us down and marginalised, and has no literary and positive impact. while, superficially, you could say these are problematic- and for the same reasons, even!- actually doing basic analysis makes it obvious that one is a result of changing social mores mixed with what was obvious fucking parody of how stupid the stereotype is, and one was written because jk rowling wants trans people dead and unironically thinks we're murderous loonies- the very thing rocky horror was making fun of.

idk man i just guess it fucking sucks to see a lack of critical thinking and i think it does a lot of harm. throwing out things that have genuinely really helped the queer community in the past entirely without critical thought is bad, and treating actual hate speech the same as stuff that’s aged poorly and has some outdated ideas only helps normalise calls for active oppression as merely a mistake, a bad idea, something that’s a problem on the same level as outdated but well meaning portrayals. i honestly think it’s playing into the hands of people who want us gone to do that, as they can paint hate speech as something the general public can tolerate, like they can media with outdated opinions and poor but genuine messaging. and these are just examples, this happens all the time. sometimes to shit that genuinely didn’t do anything wrong- I will never not be mad at the obviously homophobic and transphobic backlash against steven universe getting mimicked by people who are well meaning because it was wrapped up in the words of it being problematic. and that’s why critical thinking on this subject matter is important- else people will try and use it to manipulate you.

[thatfreshi]

Bird Flu (Markiplier x reader)

I am back! This took me a little longer than expected but I was hitting a wall with the beginning. Anyways, you and Mark are good friends and decide to set each other up on blind dates, until it goes horribly wrong.

It was a chilly January evening. You were at Mark’s place, the two of you getting ready for this whole blind date situation. You two are used to getting ready with each other, between shoots and previously being roommates. Since you’ve been close for so long, you decided it would be fun to set each other up with someone. After all, who knows you better than Mark, and vice versa?

Mark was dressed a lot nicer than usual. That’s not to say you didn’t like the way he dressed, just that he was putting in effort. While it was LA, it was a lot colder than usual. He was in a turtleneck, slacks, and a long coat, one that you’ve tried to steal from him on multiple occasions.

“You better have picked a good man for me or I will leave you at the restaurant.”

He laughs, checking his hair in the mirror.

“I think I did okay. I’m more worried that you set me up with someone who actually eats Takis instead of just sucking off the flavoring.”

“Mark, you know for a fact that you’re the only person who does that. I’m sorry but your standards are just too high.”

The both of you finish getting ready and walk to Mark’s car. You silently hope that the night goes well. You’ve wanted Mark to end up with someone for a while now. He’s always been good to you, and you just wanted him to be happy. It was a curious thought, why he wasn’t with someone. I mean he theoretically checked all the boxes. Perhaps it was his workaholic attitude that got in the way.

“So, what’s the game plan if we absolutely hate them?”

You snickered.

“Well, I guess we just… leave? I mean I don’t see a situation where we can’t just walk away.”

Little did you know, this night was about to be disastrous, and it would indeed be the fault of your dates.

When you pulled up to the restaurant Mark messaged both of your potential suitors to make sure they had arrived. His phone dinged with confirmation, so the two of you walked up to the entrance. It was a casual greeting. You were set up with a man named Kevin. He seemed nice enough, but a little quiet. You picked out Sam for Mark, who seemed to be quite wonderful so far. Their smile lit up a room, despite how you were all outside at the moment.

“So, shall we?”

Sam led the way to the host’s table so you could find your seating. You and Mark actually thought it would be nice to have some time alone with your dates, but that plan went sideways immediately.

“I’m sorry, but we are actually out of two-person tables.”

Their mouth dropped, almost as if they were offended.

“Are you serious?”

“I mean, yeah. I don’t know why I’d lie about our table availability.”

Mark had to step in.

“That’s okay, the four of us can just sit together.”

He smiled back at you. Mark knows you hate awkward conflicts, and you especially hated that this stranger you just picked started something before the date even started. Well, the double date apparently.

You were seated and went around ordering drinks, and when it came around to Kevin, he tried ordering shots for the table.

“Uhm, actually-”

He cut you off.

“C’mon, it’ll be fun.”

You and Mark make eyes at each other, and you turn back to Kevin.

“Mark actually can’t drink, so…”

The table gets quiet. That is, until Sam chimes in. Again.

“Well that’s fine! I guess we just get mocktails or something so everyone’s included.”

Surprisingly, nothing bad happens for a while. You all go around and say a little bit about yourselves. Mark talks about dropping out of engineering school and his soiree into YouTube. Kevin has some boring accounting job. Eventually, it gets around to Sam, who is a hairstylist. No wonder they never stop talking. That was extremely apparent when they kept interrupting everyone to ask even more questions. Usually you don’t mind someone talkative, but they just never shut up.

“You know, I just feel so bad for roadkill, you know? Sometimes, if I’m not late to work, I go pick up the poor things to give them a proper burial.”

Your eyes shoot open. Mark starts to say exactly what you’re thinking.

“Do you uh, have gloves for that? Or, like a box in your car?”

“Nope, just place them in the passenger’s seat.”

You try not to let your obvious horror leak through your eyes.

“Sam, have you ever heard of bird flu?”

And before they can answer, food arrives. It’s quite delicious and helps take you out of the moment. You try talking with Kevin a little more, and all he can seem to mention is how often he hits the gym and the fact that he regrows his green onions. 

Mark is quiet enough as is, and Sam keeps talking over him. It’s quite frustrating to you, considering you love hearing him speak. 

“You know, a conversation is a back and forth right?”

Once again, silence.

“Yeah, obviously. Sorry, I’m just so excited!”

You didn’t mean to be so rude, but it seems like they simply didn’t care either way. Instead of trying to get through their thick skull, you excuse yourself to the bathroom. The cold water in the sink helps you cool off, and you realize the collar of your coat has been wrong all night.

“Damnit Mark, why didn’t you say anything.”

You mutter to yourself. Before you can check to make sure your hair still looks nice, there’s screaming in the dining room. You rush out to see what horrible thing could possibly be going on now.

“These chefs put A RAT in MY FOOD.”

Sam was standing up, screaming at some poor waitress.

“I am so sorry, I’ll take it back to the kitchen.”

“That’s not enough! I want all of our meals comped.”

You can’t help but be frozen, and it seems Mark is as well. Kevin is so petrified at this point that he literally walks out of the restaurant. Sam, however, sits down, proud of themselves.

“And that’s how you get good food for free.”

“You know, I was just gonna pay…”

Mark awkwardly stares at them, and you finally make your way back to the table.

“Well, now you don’t have to!”

You go to tap Mark’s shoulder.

“That was my mom. She’s okay, but she’s at the hospital right now.”

He looks confused, and then realizes the game you’re playing.

“Oh no, we should definitely go check on her. I’m so sorry Sam. This has been lovely, but I want to be there with y/n.”

They somehow fall for it.

“Oh my god yes, I’m so sorry. I hope everything turns out okay. Thanks for the night! If you guys need a comp rat hit me up!”

Their voice rings out behind as the two of you quickly walk out. Before you leave the sitting area, Mark gives some cash to the host to pay for the meal and quickly tells him about the rat. The host accepts the money despite looking at him suspiciously, and the two of you rush out to his car, laughing when you get outside.

“My god, that was… that was horrible.”

Mark cackles.

“I’m sorry! Sam seemed cool I swear!”

“Okay and Kevin was like the most boring man on the planet.”

“Right?!”

You giggle like kids as Mark starts the car.

“What do we do now? It’s too early to go home.”

He thinks on it for a moment.

“Well, there’s a park near here. And it’s snowing.”

“...snowball fight?”

He locks eyes with you, and you shake on it. It doesn’t take very long to get to this park, and when you go to step out of the car, Mark stops you.

“No coats, loser freezes to death.”

He was probably joking, but you take yours off, and he follows suit. It doesn’t take long for the fight to begin. Of course, Mark tries explaining the ground rules, and when he turned his back, you struck with the first snowball.

“You did not just-”

“I absolutely did. Your move.”

You give him a sweet grin and go for cover, and he narrowly misses you after quickly getting his own ammunition together. You’re now behind a picnic table, and you slowly make it around to a large oak tree that you can snipe him from. He gets a hit in on the way, and you store up a couple shots. When you finally reappear, you hit him once from afar and get closer as he stumbles, throwing the second and third. By the time it’s thrown, you’re within a couple feet of him, and you notice that there’s a hill of snow behind him. When he seems to be cognitive enough, you point behind him.

“Look! A bear!”

He turns, still a little stunned, and when he turns back to disagree with you, you push him into the hill of snow, and he grasps for your arm, pulling you down with him.

“Y/n! This is, so, COLD.”

You laugh before you realize that you’re laying on top of him, not by design of course, but by happenstance. 

“Yeah, you’re the one who said no coats!”

“Okay, well maybe I’m stupid. Have you ever thought of that?”

You pause, still staring at him with little snowflakes scattered across his face. It’s calm in your brain, before you finally put the pieces together.

“Yeah. Mark, I think we’re both stupid actually.”

“What do you mean?”

The conversation got quiet. No one else was in the park. Neither of you had moved. 

“We’re just… fucking stupid. We didn’t need to go on some blind dates. I think, I think-”

Instead of finishing your sentence, you go in to kiss him, and he kisses you back. It’s cold, but it doesn’t matter. You don’t know how you hadn’t seen it before, or how he hadn’t either. Even on the double date, you two knew each other better than some stranger ever could. When the moment ends, you two stare at each other.

“You’re right. You are stupid y/n.”

You’re confused for a moment, until you get a face full of snow.

“Alright, not fair! You can’t do that after a romantic moment!”

“Well, that kind of thing is probably why you like me right?”

You pause, and then smile.

“Okay fine, you’re probably right.”

You get up and put your hand down. Mark takes it, and the two of your brush off all the ice and dirt.

“Well, that was the worst and best date I’ve ever had.”

You laugh at him.

“I don’t think I’d have it any other way. You want to go home?”

“Yeah. It is WAY too cold.”

You take his hand as you walk back to the car, ready to warm up and enjoy whatever the night has in store.

[alyjojo]

Love Reading ⚧️ - February 2024 - Aquarius

Singles:

Who is Coming In: 3 Cups

Regarding: 2 Cups

Long-Term Potential: The Emperor & Ace of Pentacles

Either this is a friend you’ve developed feelings for, vice versa, or this is just someone you’re newly dating. It’s new, fresh, things are fun and lighthearted, I’m kinda getting that’s how they are generally. You may be wondering if it’s going to last forever, how is Valentine’s Day going to go, what’s the future of this connection??? Even Spirit is saying “chill”. Enjoy the process. You may miss the early moments of subtle flirting, being uncomfortable but it’s cute, random sweet gestures that they try to please you but don’t actually know you well enough to do. But they try. This is all very cute, and the long term potential comes up AS potential. *If* someone steps up their game and offers real commitment, it could be long lasting, but that’s not something that’s set in stone either, and right now this person has Poker Face and messages that indicate too much too soon, on your side. They may take you out, 3 Cups is a date, a gathering, you could go with friends even. But is it serious, no, not yet. Could it be? Having The Emperor show up shows this person wouldn’t even bother if it wasn’t an option, they aren’t one to play games or waste their time. So yes. But also chill 🩵 You could also be this Emperor not wanting to waste your time, pushing the “what are we?” conversation before the other person is even ready for it. If that’s you, then this might go the other way, if you don’t see real potential, you’re not going to stick around. But *can* it, sure. Let it play out.

Messages:

- It’s not that DEEP 😰

- I love our walks together.

POKER FACE ♦️

- Taking A Chance

- Risks & Options

- Not Showing Hand

- Gambling

Signs you may be dealing with:

Cancer, Taurus, Gemini & Pisces

Couples:

Them: 4 Swords, 5 Cups, 6 Wands

Regarding: Queen of Swords

Someone in this relationship has acted like an asshole, and it’s not clear which one, because their energy is reflecting yours. Queen of Swords may be you, could be another air sign, or this is someone that’s withdrawn completely - emotionally detached, in order to heal. Someone has acted in a way that’s controlling, domineering, and downright mean. Your side has all of those cards, but it has a lot of defensive energy as well. In the case it’s this person that’s acted this way, they know they’re wrong, they hate that you’re right, and they regret whatever they’ve done or said that was nasty or hit below the belt…because you called them on their bullshit 💯 Or, if you’re the one acting hurtful, they’ve withdrawn to heal, there’s no communication, and they’re seeing the truth of the situation through the hurt that they feel. In this case, the goal is to rise above the hurt and communicate from a place of fairness and truth, when it comes, because it’s not immediately. They may withdraw when they’re upset. I don’t see a breakup, I see a nasty argument, someone acting out of ego, and if you cut them off and told them to kick rocks, they are sad that you’re “winning”, successful, receiving attention, or they’re sad that they’re just not. This could be about money, goals, what’s being spent where or how, some level of control involving that, because of the mutual Oracle and 7 Pentacles at the bottom. There will be a break period where you two don’t speak, a couple days, a week, for awhile after this conflict. But their messages and emotions are encouraging, while withdrawn they seem to just be trying to make themselves happy & feeling at peace. If they need to feel sorry, they do, and that’s why they don’t know what (else) to say.

Messages:

- I want to approach you, but don’t know HOW.

- I value our bond.

ENGAGEMENT RING 💍

- Higher Commitment

- Eternity

- Partnership & Union

- Completion

Solitude 🫥

“In silence, peace prevails.”

Like the characters in the movie Pay It Forward, do three good deeds every day. It’s contagious and makes you feel good.

You: 9 Wands, The Emperor rev & 5 Swords

Regarding: 8 Wands & 7 Wands

8 Wands with 7 Wands is like a texting WAR. You are pissed at this person 💯 your Oracle shows clarity, truth, you feel like you have the right to defend yourself in this situation. In some cases, your defensive behavior - whether you’re right or wrong - is seen as mean, hateful, stabbing people right where it hurts to get your point across, not giving a fk how much it hurts, or the damage/consequences that follow this sort of behavior. The Emperor rev is a dick, he’s controlling, authoritarian, my way or the highway, a dictator. Tit for tat, they did it so you do it back, vengeful & control/ego trips are massive in whoever this is. 5 Swords is Aquarius energy, I’m getting it’s 50/50 here, some of you are the problem, and for others it’s switched. In some cases, this behavior alienates your person into silence. For some it’s them acting this way and you’re like “I think tf NOT”, promptly biting their head off and putting them in their place with their tail between their legs, now they’re sheepish. There is no winning here, one person is defensive to the point of reactive and the other person is sad, regretful, and healing. I would like to see an ego death here, but I don’t. Hopefully next month. Either way this goes, you are extremely defensive of/towards this person, and your Oracle is telling you that kindness can work just as well as biting someone’s head off…though in some cases it may be justified. There is a purpose to all of this, and a break period, both of you need time to think.

With your messages showing Children, this may be an ex of yours that you share children with, and they’re of no help to you, that’s why you’re biting their head off, could be over child support, agreements, waiting around, controlling bs, etc. The Emperor rev - essentially not being a responsible parent, a good role model, etc. I do see regret in them. If not an ex, this person could be super controlling over money or materialistic in general, to prove a point or some bs, money plays into this somehow. One of you is gaining perspective, but I don’t know if it’s in favor of “the unit” or just feeding their own ego.

Messages:

- Children

- New Perspective

SWORD & ROSE 🗡️🌹

- Clarity & Truth

- Revelations

- Honor & Protection

- Determination

Desert Passage 🏜️

“Trust there’s a divine plan.”

Sometimes a smile or a kind word can be stronger than any medicine.

Mutual: 8 Swords, 10 Cups & 2 Cups

Regarding: The Hanged Man

The Hanged Man is the best energy for you both to be in, because this is about seeing things from other perspectives, each other’s even. What other people are doing, maybe getting advice or reading about others who have gone through similar things, it’s this lull period where nothing happens because you both need to think through it. Or you have been there. 8 Swords shows you both feel unable to move forward, you both feel stuck in this situation how it is, neither is communicating, but both of you see potential long term happiness with the other person. 10 Cups & 2 Cups. It’s like you both think/know this is your soulmate, but this situation gets in the way of what should be a happy and long lasting love. You’re both waiting for that to happen on its own, with no effort being put forth by either person - The Hanged Man & 7 Pentacles both wait. Waiting for better days, waiting for more money perhaps, waiting for a goal to come your fruition, waiting on ego deaths - The Hanged Man rev, waiting for the other person to SEE your side, and they’re doing the same, or just not taking action because again they don’t know how. If it’s been a long time, you’re bitter as hell they’ve never stepped up to the plate like an Emperor, taking control and playing their part (could be kids), or there are just specific cases where that’s true if not all the time. You both want each other, and whatever you had before - with Picture & heavy nostalgia, you both want this to move forward. You could both be questioning whether you can even give the other what they need, and again money plays into this somehow. Oracle says the time is NOW. If you want it, do something, it starts with putting yourself in the other person’s shoes, and them doing the same. If that can’t be done, I don’t see this going anywhere this month - 8 Swords is trapped in their head, trapped where they are, sometimes by choice because the person refused to see what needs to be seen - they would be taking accountability and it’s hard. You both wait like more time is needed but this says to do it, right now. If this is regarding money or a specific purchase, money may need to be saved up for something, and it doesn’t have to be or shouldn’t be a huge conflict. You both want the other one to speak up first. You can be right and not mean, both. Or them, someone needs to hear it.

PICTURE 📸

- Looking at Pictures

- Missing You

- Nostalgia

- Make New Memories

Answering the Call ☎️

“The time is now.”

Identify yourself by your thoughts and feelings and not by what you own.

Signs you may be dealing with:

Libra, Sagittarius, Leo & Pisces

[contrastparadoxx]

Run, Rabbit, Run

Characters: Vrayan Fennix, Mysterious Purple About: Vrayan gets in a bit over her head TW: Hunting, Violence Word Count: 1095

Here’s a song that goes with this drabble

Accompanying Drabble

She really hated it when her connections decided it would be sooooo much fun to be cryptic when messaging her. But in this case, it was a known connection she worked with often enough that Vrayan was willing to put up with it, for the goods they were promising. The rabbit troll did not understand why trolls insisted on continuing setting fireworks off for so long post the actual holiday, and she certainly did not enjoy the noise they caused, but this is when her contact said they were willing to meet, so this is when they were meeting.

Vrayan took a step into the mouth of the alleyway, pausing once again, trying to listen. Only one person down there, as far as she could tell, though again, the fireworks made it a bit hard to be certain. Ah well, they knew better than to cross her. She headed down, confused when she couldn’t smell the familiar violet, and instead had her nose filled with… oil, perhaps?

“Kyngan, you better not have sent me on a wild goose chase, we both know I wont be happy” she growled, pulling her phone out to use as a flashlight, and scanning the alley. Nothing. Vrayan’s tail puffed up as just how Wrong everything felt right now. She took a half step back, getting ready to turn and leave, when there was a very slight noise behind her, and she sensed a presence.

“It would seem a little bunny got a bit lost”

Oh.

She knew that voice.

She instantly whirled around, though her phone got knocked out of her hand before she could get a proper look, the occasional flashes of the fireworks ruining her ability to see properly in the shadows. But she did not need to see to know who was standing there, though she reeled trying to figure out how. The purple chuckled darkly, holding her wrist.

“Catch your own tongue, kitten?”

Vrayan yanked her hand away, backstepping rapidly, fur and hair bristling, but far too afraid to speak. She glanced sideways, towards her phone, then lunged for it.

He moved faster, his heavy metal foot slamming down on the little rectangle. Metal foot? She didn’t have time to think about that, as terror washed over her at the crunch. Fuck, she was on her own. He had always struck quickly, and she could swear he moved even faster now than before, at speeds she was only used to PR0T0 being able to get to without some sort of warm up, and gripped both of her ears, effortlessly lifting her into the air. She let out a pained squeal as he did so, hands going to hold the base of said ears to try and lessen the pain. 

“Let’s see if you still remember how to play~” He grinned, then leaned close, smelling her deeply with a rumble before whispering.

“Run, rabbit, run” 

The words crooned directly into her ear sent a shock of cold through Vrayan, luckily her heart was pounding so hard she was able to start off the moment he dropped her and her feet hit the ground. “10, 9, 8-“ she heard him counting as he got ready to go after her, she could still picture perfectly in her mind the hungry way his gaze would be burning into her. “3, 2, 1~” The game had truly begun. 

The sound of another firework going off masked any noise he may have made, but sharp pain suddenly tore through her hip, causing Vrayan to stumble. But she had to keep going, so she caught her stride again and continued, leaving a trail of light blue drops behind her. Far behind, the purple grinned, following her would be almost too easy. 

Vrayan skidded around a corner, dropping very low to the ground as she did. She could outrun him, as long as the game didn’t go too long. Not like before. Memories came unbidden again, she was even smaller then, dainty and almost frail, wearing a pastel blue dress with a big ribbon holding her hair back. She was allowed into pants and a movable shirt, when he felt like playing chase, but he always caught her so quickly. She had gotten faster, as time went on, better at avoiding him, but it was never enough.

It was during one of these games that she had finally escaped from him, having gotten her hands on a heavy enough blunt object to crack his skull. She had taken all of her rage out on him, breaking her own wrist in the process, and left the purple for dead, fleeing into the wilderness. Apparently he didn’t get the memo that such meant he should still be gone.

The small troll was snapped out of her past as the sound of him gaining on her registered. Oh no no no no no. She glanced upwards, noticing a wall a bit ahead that would allow her access to the roof because of her claws, she should be able to shake him off up there. She dropped ignoring the pain that came with using all four limbs to move and bolted forward, leaping and scaling the wall effortlessly. She knew better than to give into the urge to pause, and watch him, so she just kept going, her small clawed feet making it a lot easier for her to move about up here than most. There was almost a roar of a snarl, and the sound of him settling onto the roof, it was a good thing she didn’t stop.

But she was injured, she knew she was just bleeding more and more as her heart pumped quickly to try and get her out of there, she needed to try and get somewhere safe, and fast. 

She wouldn’t get the chance.

Her injured leg buckled, after another stretch of running, and the stumble was enough that he could leap forward, slamming her into the roof.

“It would seem I win again, kitten.” He spoke directly into her ear, hunched over her and effortlessly pinning her. “Maybe if you play nice and beg prettily enough I’ll bring you home, rather than just leaving you to rot up here~”

He reached down and used one claw to dig painfully into the wound on her hip, making her vision go red, then darken as she struggled to breath. He grinned as a noise of pain escaped her.

“Hm, perhaps that is good enough”

His gloating was interrupted then, by the sound of something scraping against the roof behind the pair.

[longeyelashedtragedy]

For the ask game: 3, 19, 29, 30?

3. i am most proud of "visited upon the sons." i think the quality of all my writing was questionable this year, but this fic did exactly what i wanted it to do, and it was so fun to write, once i got in the headspace, that i still miss it. it was also fun getting to write a whole "making of" post about it.

wait guys i hit post too soon LOL watch this space

19. let's see, i already said pepling and frank+daddy A...i would like to write the gross jamie x franko x christine threesome, i won't lie! i'd also love to explore more of Frank Sr's motivations for how he feels about harry 👀

29. i can't choose favorites of anything! i do love:

-But here he is kissing Rob in Rob’s car with the steering wheel on the wrong side and it doesn’t feel anything but right.  from "the prerogative to have a little fun"

-You will remember Granit Xhaka’s last night in this office, on this desk, glowing like something more than human, as much as he’d insist he was no more than a man.  Glowing like an angel—the kinds from the Bible, the ones so beautiful and terrible, the kinds whom God trusts to convey His messages.

You’d always thought of Granit as your beautiful beast, but in the end you were wrong.  You met him as a beast.  He left you as an angel.

Only a supernatural force could move on from this, and you, Mikel Arteta, with the name everyone but Granit mispronounces, are exceptional, but you are human too.  You had an angel in your office, and now there’s a darkness around the edges of the room that the overhead lights can’t dream of illuminating. from "how to stay there"

and of course--everyone knows i'll say this!!--

-

And now he’s alone.  Or is he? 

There’s a ghost somewhere in the ripped pieces on the floor, and there’s a ghost in bed with Mason.

And the ghost has a name—he’s never known before, and he’s wondered for decades now. It has the same name as the one on the Wall of Fame at Stamford Bridge.  It has the same name as the one there, ripped and thrown to the bedroom floor.  It has the same name as Dad, as it happens.  And it’s here, thinking his thoughts.  Holding his Mason tight like it loves him. from "visited upon the sons"

but also from there i like--well i like the whole fic but i also enjoy--

Mason saying “I love you, daddy,” like the wind’s been knocked out of him.

He thinks of the West Ham jersey crumpled in the bedroom.  God, why?  Why has he kept it?  Why does he talk about the bad times out in public, so openly it seems to go against some kind of survival instinct? 

Dad’s never mentioned it.  Never said son we should talk about all that. Never even said why the fuck do you bring that old shit up?  Crying for some cake again Frankie, ain't you?  Never, nothing, like he’d never told the stories, like he’d opened his mouth and no sound had come out.

He gropes behind him with the hand that’s not down the back of Mason’s joggers, finds the neck of the rosé bottle.  There’s still some left. He drinks right out of the bottle. 

“Don’t get drunk, daddy,” Mason giggles.  “You’re my manager.”

Mason, Mason, Mason.  Don’t get drunk, daddy.  You’re his manager.  Even though Jamie got drunk, Jamie and Dad and Uncle Harry and—Jamie and—

He presses his forehead to Mason’s and then kisses him and tastes his moans, sweet like wine against his lips.

30. the biggest surprise while writing actually came from writing "visited upon the sons!" i don't really follow many gender or sexuality expectations but also sort of don't advertise this in the real world--i just live my life--and i came away from writing this realizing how much i truly hate and not just hate--resent!--heteronormative societal expectations being put on me. in most of 2023 i was putting in the hard work trying to feel comfortable around "normal" people and a lot of this involved me being a part of conversations with very very typical "cishet" opinions like 'can men and women truly be FRIENDS' and 'i hate waxing and it's expensive but i gotta do it for my boyfriend!' all of which left me very "bitch, you live like this?" i realized when writing frank's memories that the extent to which he is so tired of Lads always bringing up The Ladies is very much a reflection of something i felt strongly about that i didn't even realize. and genuinely, i think realizing this helped me feel so much more comfortable in my own skin? so thank you, Fucked Up Franko <3 viva la lampardverse!

[ive-tumbled-down-a-rabbit-hole]

Seeing Green

Meet Cute Monday Bonus

Masterlist

Meet Cute Masterlist

TW: Vomiting, some swearing/name calling and ruining of cars.

NB: I know zilch about cars/motorbikes other than they can go vroom vroom and can be in racing green or radiant red. It's also someone else's job to sort mine out when it goes wrong. I know that others do love them so apologies for the nonsense I spout out.

Plus this sort of grew out of control. It really wasn't meant to be as long as it turned into.

Thank you for reading 😘❤️

…………………..

Roy nursed his drink while he watched from the corner of the crowded bar. The conversation layered upon each other lead to a loud cacophony of laughs and indiscernible voices. He had hoped it would drown out his plaguing thoughts. He had been fine. Things had been great. Everything had been a-o-kay but yeah, life hated him and had to take another shot at him.

Ollie had been acting decent recently, more how he was when they had first met. Roy had found he was actually enjoying spending time with the other Arrows as well. Seeing Jason slowly mend burnt bridges with the bats and, with some minor interference/assistance from his 'siblings', had managed to repair the drama between himself and Bruce, Roy had foolishly been encouraged that maybe, just maybe, he might gain a relationship back again with Ollie.

Pah!

What dream had he been living in? He was an idiot. His archer mentor wasn't going to change. The past still remained the past and the emotional bruises from their fights were impossible to navigate. They never faded, just kept being re-hit time and time again. As witnessed by the explosive argument with yet another list of all his flaws that happened hours ago.

Sighing, Roy took another sip of his alcohol free beer before playing with the green bottles label. Slowly pulling the edge away from the cool damp bottle.

Screw Ollie! Roy might be desperate to drown his sorrows and forget everything, but he wasn't going to fall off the wagon because of the man. He didn't deserve it. Roy worked hard to remain sober and not fall back into bad habits. Artie, Biz, Kori and Jay worked their socks off for him to get this far and he wasn't going to ruin the progress for an egoistic self centred righteous billionaire!

Jason, his wonderful, perfect best friend. Comrade in dealing with the duff hand of arsehole parents (and the loss of losing the ones that cared). A fellow broken hero, returned from the 'grave', recovering in their unique and maybe explosive big bangs way. Jason, his brother in arms, who had become a slight (major) food snob since his return as a coping mechanism had created a database of all the best small local micro breweries. Specifically those who did alcohol free drinks that didn't taste like dirty bath water and were enjoyable to drink. All for Roy. Meaning he didn't have to break his sobriety, got a decent tasting drink to still drown his sorrows by crossing the border into Canada from Starling City to escape the obnoxious man.

Wishing that his friends were with him and not off doing Outlaw stuff, Roy settled himself into his seat and continued to watch people morosely. Surrounding himself with noise to stop delving into self destructive thoughts. Breathing in the air that was filled with spilt drinks and hints of sweat and clashing perfumes and colognes he tried to distract himself from his misery. Roy started to make up silly backstories for the hustling and bustling crowds that would have his friends laugh in amusement at the absurd nonsense he was creating.

…………

Marinette's date had started off fun. Truly. The guy was easy to talk to over messaging. He was polite and courteous when he picked her up. He'd driven her over the border to Canada from Starling City so she could also drink much like she could in France rather than dealing with the US laws. The sights they passed in his beautiful sports car on the way were breathtaking. The restaurant he'd taken to her first was quiet and cosy and the food mouth-wateringly delicious.

It was just now that things seemed to sour. The bar was bustling with life and the drinks flowing nicely, but the appearance of binge drinking was still a cultural shock. It wasn't that the bar was bad per say, in fact it was definitely more than ok to be honest, it held a buzz of life that was almost electric, reminding her a bit of the underground music scene that Luka, Rose, Nino… her friends in general frequented. It was more that currently, her date was trying to convince Marinette that she 'needed' another drink. Frowning at the suddenly pushy man, she crossed her arms and leaned away into the hardwood of the tall chair back.

"I'd prefer water please. I know my limit."

"One more babe. Go on, live a little."

"I'm quite happy not living a little. I think I'm ready to go home now."

"Ya like wine, and I have the perfect idea for you."

Marinette may like wine. Her maman favouring Shaoxing, with her papa preferring Chianti and herself preferring wines from the Loire Valley, she grew up around the drink. She grew up in France, and good wine was standard. To have a date, who had yet to ask for her taste in wine claiming to 'just know' what she likes was insulting.

"Non. I just want to call it a night."

"Alright sugar, I'll go close our tab and we can go."

Her eye twitched as the man got up, Alya and Kagami's encouragement to meet people was rubbish. Their vetting was appalling if they thought this guy was decent. Marinette sighed fiddling with her handbag strap, knowing that this evening was a waste. The nice guy she had been talking to was an act or this man, when drinking, changed.

Drumming her fingers on the slightly sticky table she watched as her date navigated back to where they were sitting with yet more drinks. Not exactly closing the tab as she had hoped.

"Here. I got us a couple of shots of apple sourz to celebrate and you're gonna love this. It's iced wine."

"And you're driving after drinking?!"

"Nah, it's just a shot and I've been on alcohol free beer. Thought I'd let you drink this time."

He smiled in what Marinette guessed was meant to be a charming manner, but it wasn't. Anxiety twisted in her stomach. Marinette was done with this date.

"I'm done drinking. Thank you for the drinks, but can we just go now?"

"But I got you drinks. You have to drink them. I brought them for you."

"But I didn't ask for these. I just wanted water."

"If you don't drink them, you're going to be wasting my money."

"Look, I know my limit. It will end badly if I drink more. Can we leave?"

"We can leave when you've drunk the drinks."

Pursing her lips, Marinette weighed up the situation. The distress she felt hidden beneath her skin was rising. Tingling sensation fizzed across her skin as she quickly ran through her options while trying not to alarm the controlling man. She hated that she hadn't requested this sooner. The whole situation screamed too many red flags and not enough green. That she had found herself in the wrong country alone, with a stranger who basically had her trapped. Her stomach wouldn't not like it, but he had said that he'd take her home.

Damn the allure of a nice car, awe inspiring landscapes, the temptation of decent food and illusion of politeness. Never again! Local coffee shop next time.

Picking up the shot, Marinette necked it and grimaced as the cheap liquor burned down her throat. Grabbing the wine she tried to hide the flavour with the next drink. Her eyes widened in surprise at the sickly sweetness of the wine as her date smiled a knowing grin.

"Knew you would like it. Canadian iced wine. It's amazing isn't it."

"Amazing is one word for it."

"The bar brews its own beer and creates its own iced wine. It's renowned for them. It's the best wine around."

Gulping the overly sweet wine, Marinette gave a strained smile back at the man as her stomach churned.

"I've almost finished. Can we go now?"

"You sure you don't want to dance or something?'

"No. I'm good. It's been a long dat- day. I have to get up early tomorrow so I think leaving now would be best."

"Sure honey. Let me grab your coat and we can go."

Tension finally seeped out of Marinette's shoulders as he turned back into the perfect gentleman, helping her with the coat and guiding her back to his car. The cool night air was refreshing against Marinette's warm cheeks though her stomach churned in discomfort.

…………

Roy watched what he thought was a date continue to go down hill.

The woman dressed in black with vibrant green piping, Marinette, seemed to get more and more tense with each round of drinks. When the man had got to relieve himself, Roy had slipped over to check if she was ok but the man had come back too quickly. He played it off as Marinette was, Ollie's latest mentee, Roy's maybe sister, Mia's friend and had spotted her and wanted to catch up. It ended with the male bristling and being highly defensive and Marinette cleverly calmed the situation and pleaded with Roy to leave with the cutest kitten eyes with a fake promise to come over to see Mia and him at the weekend. Reluctantly, Roy had left wishing he could do something more.

Marinette seemed to get stiffer and more agitated as the evening went on, her eyes regularly darting to check her watch as if she was desperate for an escape. Roy contemplated interrupting again but he really didn't want to get into a fight, especially since he had been told to back off for now. A fight was also the last thing he needed as well, so he kept an eye on the duo from a distance.

Watching from his seat he observed that the guy seemed to mix his drinks up with getting a shot at the bar and then take an alcohol free beer to the table which confused Roy but hey, not his issue if the loser wanted to drink drive, it did raise concerns about Marinette's safety though. Roy watched Marinette carefully as the man returned to the bar yet again. She was drumming her fingers agitatedly against the table. It was impressive she'd hadn't caused a huge scene and succumbed to her emotions that were littered across her body. He wasn't the detective Dick and Jason were but he could read body language, hell, anyone could read hers with how clearly she wore them. Or well, read what she wanted you too, and everything screamed back off and let me escape.

Roy had seen too many partners erupt into explosive arguments in places like this. It set him on edge so surreptitiously positioned himself to step in if required. The flat look of complete unamusement she shot her date passed over the male like water on a duck's back and he seemed thrilled with the latest round he presented Marinette. Her almost luminescent blue eyes shimmered as despite the alcohol coursing through her gained a calculating look. One he had seen too many times at galas as Bat's and Arrows navigated the shark infected socialite scene. He could only raise an eyebrow as Marinette downed her shot and took a gulp of her wine. Her face shifted into pure shock and disgust. It was clear whatever the wine was, it was not the wine she was expecting. Plus wine and shots?! an ideal combination for drunkenness and a killer hangover tomorrow. Yurgh, this guy was a bigger arse than Ollie! The manipulation of the situation was a car crash waiting to happen. Screw the consequences, everything screamed to Roy that he HAD to step in now. He couldn't let this guy take advantage of a drunk woman, specifically a drunk Marinette that was deliberately manipulated into this situation.

Placing a few bills in the tip jar that he passed, Roy struggled to put on his jacket and went to speak to the pair. In the moments he had turned away they had disappeared. Panicking slightly, Roy skimmed the crowds to spot the duo leaving through the exit. Fighting his way through the crowded room, he stumbled slightly as he made it into the carpark. Glancing around he saw the pair in a sleek electric blue sports car, he could easily see Dick using it when playing Dickie boy Wayne, pulling out onto the road heading south.

Rushing to his bike, Roy pulled his helmet on swiftly and started the machine. Whatever occured next didn't matter, he was going to follow just to make sure nothing bad happened.

…………

The car was pretty, that's for sure, but it wasn't the smoothest of rides. Each bump or sharp turn sent Marinette's stomach into a twisting mess. It churned, protesting against the unwanted movement.

Focusing on her breathing, Marinette drowned out the drivel, well it may not be drivel and could be interesting, but at the moment it was drivel to Marinette as her date spouted out about the car and his collection and what he wanted. Her stomach was not happy even with her focusing on her breath and trying to settle her uneasy stomach. Marinette just needed to make it over the border and back closer to civilisation, preferably Starling City, but with how she felt, anywhere with a cab would do.

Another 10 long painful minutes later, Marinette was back in the States. If she could, she would have sighed a breath of relief, the queasiness had not abated, in fact with the heat blasting out of the car's vents it was becoming unbearable. Whatever her date was saying was meaningless as she quietly prayed to her kwami friends to hold out a little longer.

She made it another 5 minutes before her date, in spite of being an enthusiastic car lover it did not translate into driving skills, and hit another bump in the road. Marinette's stomach lurched with the car as she felt green and the urge to throw up increased tenfold. Oblivious to the turmoil Marinette was experiencing, her date clicked his fingers in front of her face, drawing her focus away from containing the nauseous feelings.

"Hey! Are you paying any attention to me?!!"

"I don't feel so good…"

"I take you for a nice date. Pay for your meal and drinks. Least you could laugh at my jokes."

"I think I'm going to throw up…"

"You've not paid any attention to my anecdotes. Hey, Babe, look at me when I'm talking."

Fed up with his insistent demands for her attention, Marinette shifted in her seat to face the middle. Her stomach clenched at her movement.

"..."

"What? Babe? Babe, why are you looking green??"

He hit another dip and it was too much and Marinette stopped trying to control her unhappy tummy. She let it out. She wouldn't call it relief, more like karma as she vomited all over him.

He shrieked and the car lurched as he swerved and breaked. The additional moving just added to her urge so she continued getting rid of the additional unwanted alcohol, this time on the middle console. It was everywhere as he shouted to her to stop as he slammed the breaks on further. He continues to scream as Marinette fumbles with the door handle to stumble out.

…………

Roy caught up quickly with the sports car that had zoomed off. He scrutinised the erratic driving as they crossed over the border and drove towards Star City. He was slightly relieved that at least they were heading in the same direction so he couldn't be accused of stalking… any more than he was.

It was when the car careened in one direction to the next before coming to a sudden stop that he was forever grateful for all the 'hero' training, stunt manoeuvres that he had undergone in his early teens that he was able to react as quickly as he did and not collide with the vehicle. Sliding to a skilled stop he gazed on as Marinette stumbled out of the car looking peaky. One hand rested on her stomach as she bent forward, the other on her knee as she emptied her stomach. Roy couldn't find himself blaming her, his stomach would have protested… (potentially)... With the crazy arse civilian driver (if he hadn't experienced a Titan, Dick, Jay, Biz, Artie or Star driving for their lives).

Her date exited from his side and a slew of insults flew from his mouth putting Roy on edge. He was the shitty driver. He had ploughed Marinette full of drinks, what did he expect? Taking his helmet off cautiously, Roy approached in a way that enabled him to protect the unwell woman from her madman date.

"Hey, you guys ok? That was quite a stop dude? Some creature run across the road or something?"

"That BITCH!"

The man waved his arms in a chaotic and very unstable fashion as he fumed before jestering to his top. Roy raised his eyebrows as he saw the mess on the man's top and snorted in smirking amusement as he rubbed Marinette's back as she stopped heaving and regained some calm.

"Excuse you?!."

"You!!!"

A growl followed as the man narrowed his toxic green eyes at Roy and Marinette and sneered.

"You! From the bar. Knew you wanted her, the floozy doesn't know your sister, does she?! Can't manage to get a girl on your own so you steal another guy's one. Pathetic!"

Roy glared back at the man. He may have started the night not wanting a fight but he was itching for one now. He opened and closed his fists as he felt more than seeing Marinette wobble to a stand now her heaving had stopped.

"Actually! Keep her. She destroyed my baby, the bitch. She ain't worth my time with that disrespect!"

Marinette's date fuming reclimbed into his car and slammed the door and dangerously zoomed off, leaving Roy and Marinette behind. Roy blinked in surprise as he grasped the concept as Marinette let out a harsh laugh. Turning to her she didn't seem too upset about it all.

"Hey, are you ok now?"

"Ha… yeah… maybe… I'm- I'm not feeling nauseous now. And well, I did want to get out of the car. Umm… do you know if taxi's come this far from Starling City?"

"Taxi?"

"Yes… I- I still need to get home… I was hoping to get somewhere closer before I needed to puke. Do you know whether taxis travel this far out? Actually, do you know where we are?!"

"I'm heading back to Starling City. I can give you a lift if you think you can manage a bike?"

Moonlight eyes peered up at Roy, deeply peering into his soul with hesitation as she worried at her bottom lip. He could feel her apprehension in waves.

"I'll let you have my helmet and you can link your phone up to it so you can call a friend to be with them the whole time. I can drop you off near a taxi rank if that helps. I don't have to take you home."

Roy bit back a soft smile as he saw her consider his proposal and brush a stray hair behind her ear.

"Did you want some water to freshen up a bit? It's in a sealed bottle."

Marinette gave him a surprised look but nodded as she cautiously followed him back to his bike. Roy rooted about shifting med packs, emergency clothes and items, snacks until he found his unopened water bottle. He presented to her in gusto to try and make her feel at ease and maybe smile after the evening she'd had. She took it and examined the seal before opening it to wash her mouth out. A few minutes later, she started sipping the water and watched Roy in contemplation.

"Ok. I'll let you take me back. You seem like an okay person, but recent encounters suggest that's meaningless."

"Your date definitely was a douche-kabab, no arguments there."

The small chuckles she gave out brought another smile to Roy's face, especially as she ducked to hide behind her dark fringe.

"How ya feeling now? Feel like you can handle a bike ride?"

"I feel like I could do with a giant nap to be honest and forget tonight ever happened. I don't think I'll be sick again, not that there's anything less to get rid of… um can we wait 10 minutes to see how I feel?"

…………

The red head, Roy, nods and smiles cheekily at her and Marinette's heart thumps. The moon and stars highlight his own constellations on freckles and sparkling emerald eyes. She was doomed. It's Adrien all over again.

Sitting down on the ground she tries to ignore Roy and the situation by slowly sipping the water. His annoying interference earlier, now plays in a new light. His looks were of concern rather than lechery and he was trying to look out for her. Marinette shivers as her light coat fails to ward off the late night chill. Groaning, she plonks her head in her hands trying not to think of all the disaster choices she's made.

Suddenly something heavy and warm is draped over her shoulders. The smells of leather, cologne and hints of sweat feel her nostrils. Marinette turns her head to stare at Roy from her mournful position.

"You looked cold."

Marinette blinked yet again in surprise. This stranger, on reflection, was being more gentlemanly than the pretence of her date. He seemed more genuinely invested in her welfare than, well, anyone outside her friends in a long time. Sighing, it really wasn't helping her heart or her head.

It wasn't the crash of thunder or flash of lightning dumb struck feeling. It was more the growing feeling of warmth from kinderling that risks growing into roaring flames. How… why…. This wasn't what she signed up for either.

"Thanks Roy."

Shifting, Marinette reluctantly sat up and wrapped his jacket closer as she studied the muscular giant who now sat next to her gazing at the clear sky. Tikki and Plagg… well Plagg had different intentions, regularly told her to trust her gut. Without the distractions, he was an easier read. He definitely had secrets but was being honest, without malicious intent, about wanting to help her. She got secrets, everyone had some, her more than most so brushed them aside as she mentally checked how she felt. With no more feelings of nausea, she slowly stood up.

"Ready."

Quickly in a fluid motion no one his size should have, Roy was standing next to her.

"Ready."

He lead her to his bike, fussing over helmets and jackets arguing on whom should wear what. They compromised with Roy taking his jacket back and Marinette in his helmet before he guided her onto it behind him. Before he could kick the bike into action Marinette pulled on his sleeve and told him her address in a moment of bravery. She felt him nod in understanding as she readjusted to hold on tight, leaning into the firm muscles on his back and breathing in his distinct scent.

The rush of air finally abated as Roy slowed his bike down to a stop in front of her apartment block. Reluctantly she peeled herself off Roys back and fumbled to dismount and remove his helmet. Adrenaline pumped through her system in a way that was reminiscent of flying through Paris. Roy had driving with confidence. He was one with his bike. He knew the machine like it was his baby and it showed. He possesed all the skill her date wished he had.

With flushed cheeks Marinette held out the helmet to the man before her all nervousness disapated on the journey home. As he took the helmet from her hands, their fingers brushed, sparks tingled up her arm as her eyes opened wide in surprise.

"Thank you. Seriously. I would have been waiting forever without you there."

"Glad I found you, and you accepted the ride home."

She grinned at him as he ran his hand through his messed up hair. Marinette wish she could run her fingers through it too. In a bold move she, taking the signs at face value, she tiptoed up and pressed her lips to his stubbled cheek before darting back to were she was standing.

"Umm, I am too. Thank you again though. You didn't need to. Err… I'm… tomorrow well.. yeah, err…. If you are about tomorrow, I'm umm… going to be at the coffee shop on 12th at 10.30. Ummm… if you're free, you're welcome to join me. As a thank you. That is."

The dopey smile from earlier was back and the fondness shimmered in his eyes.

"I'd like that. Consider it a replacement date to make up for tonight's catastrophy."

Marinette opened her mouth to say something before closing it again. She tried to surpress the over excited smile that threatened to spill out and growing blush but based on Roy's reaction she was failing.

"I…err… ok. Coffee is a better first date anyway."

She stared into his alluring green eyes seeing them crinkle in agreement, Marinette looked away before she got entrapped further. Playing nervously with her fingers she pointed towards her apartment building.

"I better, umm yeah, I'll see you tomorrow Roy."

Before the slowly decreasing adrenaline, left her system, Marinette, yet again lent towards Roy to give him a la bise this time before running into her apartment. Roy instead followed her and placed a chaste kiss on her lips. His cracked lips froze Marinette in place as he ran a heated hand down her arm.

"Night Marinette. Sweet dreams and make sure you have some water. I promise you I'll see you tomorrow."

Gently he pressed another kiss on her forehead before leaning away and removing his hand. The warmth faded quickly in the nights air. A gust of air sent shivers wracking through her body and Marinette agreed that the glow of her apartment was becoming more appealing as her energy faded and chaos of what happened caught up with her.

Reluctantly she stepped back and whispered a good night to Roy. Slowly she walked towards her entrance. She turned the key and took one last look at Roy as he placed his helmet on to his wild hair hiding his gorgeous green eyes from her sight. Marinette sent a final wave before closing the door and squealed.

Tonight's date was a busy. But tomorrow, that seemed to hold promise.

[showfallmediamaintenance]

[Video transcript begin.]

[It starts out as most do, from the front pocket of someone’s shirt, they appear to be walking down the sidewalk in Lostfield, normal chatter can be heard on the left hand side of the person. A quiet metallic scraping can be heard, as something drags behind the person.]

?: Look, all I’m sayin’ is that maybe if they put wood chips in the coffee it’d taste a little better.

[Voice identified: Edgar.]

?: Maybe, to be honest I don't drink a lot of coffee.

[Voice identified: Ness.]

E: Hm, yeah. I’ve noticed. 

Ne: Heyyy! What's that supposed to mean!

[Ness pretends to sound upset, before laughing for 10 seconds.]

E: God, I thought I’d actually upset you for a moment there! Don’t do that!

[His tone is playful, he chuckles.]

Ne: Oh! I just remembered after this walk I need to meet Marina at the hospital. Rose is finally being moved out of ICU so I don't have to sneak around to visit!

E: Wha– why didn’t anyone tell me about that? I feel like I have the right to know!

Ne: In my defense I thought someone already told you… Then I forgot soooooo...

E: Ugh, I can’t blame you for that. 

[A ding, as Edgar receives a text message.]

E: Huh? 

[He pulls his phone out to read the text message. He stops walking after a few seconds.]

Ne: Everything good?

[Edgar places his phone back in his front pocket, hefting the crowbar he brought with him off the sidewalk. His tone losing all positive emotion, the intensity of his words felt through the recording. He turns to face Ness.]

E: No.

Ne: What's wrong?

E: So. You know about Liam’s stepfather. Right?

[Ness lifts a baseball bat up on her shoulder, now sounding anxious as she speaks.]

Ne: What did that asshole do?

[Edgar clears his throat, laughing slightly out of anger.]

E: He apparently cornered Liam and Leon in an alley. And he broke Liam’s arm. 

Ne: ARE THEY OK? WHERE ARE THEY NOW?

E: Leon said he’s on his way to the hospital, don’t worry. I’m more concerned with where Jason is.

[Ness drops the bat off her shoulder, grabbing the handle in between her fingers, the top of the bat hits the ground with a thud.]

Ne: We gonna beat his ass?

E: Mhm. Let’s go. 

Ne: Aye aye captain!

E: Leon told me the street name, he might still be there, follow me.

Ne: Yep! 

[Ness begins humming a tune as both her and Edgar begin walking once again. This time Edgar is walking with absolute rage in every step, each stride fast and large, causing Ness to have to jog next to him to keep up.]

[They carry on in silence for a bit, until they approach an empty street near the woods.]

E: Where the fuck is he.

Ne: I don't know, but I hate being anywhere near that damn forest… I swear when I got my job here on my way home I would hear something singing… And screaming.

E: Er, yeah. I, um. That… never mind. We need to focus. 

?: Well! 

[Voice identified: Jason.]

[Edgar whips around at the sound of Jason’s voice.]

Ne: [Whispering.] Who the fuck?

J: Didn’t expect to ever see you again, Edgar. I honestly thought you died! Would've been better if you did.

E: [Muttering.] Fucking hell… I didn’t know that it was this Jason.

Ne: Is that the asshole we've been looking for?

E: Hell yeah, he is. And he’s much more of an asshole than previously thought.

J: I’m right here! Come on, talk to me like a man, you pussy! 

Ne: Do me a favor. Shut up you limp dick bitch we're having a conversation. 

J: Oh, how pathetic, you’re going to let a girl do all the talking for you? Weak.

Ne: Don't call me a girl with that tone. I will curb stomp your bitch ass.

[As Ness speaks, Jason mocks her by moving his hand like a mouth with each word she says.]

J: Yeah, yeah, bitch. Whatever. I’m not talking to you, so shut the fuck up. 

[Ness clears her throat.]

Ne: Edgar. permission to strike?

E: … Not yet. I have a few things to say to this man. Would you mind taking my phone? 

Ne: No problem, This will make for a fun story to tell Rose later. 

[Edgar silently hands his phone to Ness, taking a few steps towards Jason. The two are similar in height, but Edgar appears to tower over him, somehow. He takes a few more steps forward, revealing a pair of black 1 inch platform shoes.] 

E: Jason Druller. You have a lot of nerve to talk about me being pathetic. Remember back in high school when you bullied someone to the point of throwing himself off a roof?

[Jason attempts to respond, but is interrupted by Edgar once again. Who has begun a slow circle around Jason.]

E: Let me refresh your memory. Zach, my best friend. He’s dead because of your actions. And you call me pathetic. For shame, Jason.

J: The little freak deserved it. 

[Edgar stops walking. Leaning in close to Jason.]

E: What did you just say?

J: I SAID the disgusting f[REDACTED] fucking deserved it!

E: That’s what I was hoping you’d say. 

[Edgar wastes no time in drawing his hand back, and punching Jason in the face.]

Ne: BEAT HIS ASS!

[He turns to look at Ness, and gives her a thumbs up, but Jason is already recovering behind him. The other man winds up to retaliate.]

Ne: BEHIND YOU!

[Edgar’s eyes widen, and he turns around just in time to duck under the punch, sending Jason forward, his excess momentum almost knocking him over.]

[He knees him in the gut, causing the other to fall to his knees. Holding his ribs. He coughs violently.]

J: Is that all you’ve got? I expected more of you! Also, it wasn’t even me who broke Liam’s arm, you know!

Ne: Can I keep my promise and stomp this bitch into the ground? Please Please Pleaseeeee!

E: Wait. In a second. What do you mean, it wasn’t you?

J: I never usually recruit women to help me, but she insisted on helping me teach that fucking brat a lesson. I didn’t break Liam’s arm, that doesn’t mean I didn’t hurt him at all, though. I did hurt the other guy pretty bad.

Ne: Edgar, do we get to beat up two people? I can explain to Rose why I'm late pretty easily.

[Edgar turns to Ness, his eyebrows creased inwards, Jason makes a break for it into the woods.]

E: SHIT. 

Ne: OH NAH! GET THAT MOTHERFUCKER!

[He sprints into the forest after Jason, running somewhat faster than Ness. When she catches up after a few seconds, he has already found Jason. Who appears to be kneeling on the ground.]

E: The hell even was your plan there? You know you can’t outrun me. 

[Jason leaps up from his spot, a stick in his left hand. Edgar stares at it, wide eyed. He stumbles backwards, someone catches him and puts him in a chokehold before he can recover. He glances at Ness, and tries to speak, but nothing comes out except strangled sounds.]

J: Finally. Now I can take out the weaker target. 

Ne: Great. There's two of you? Meh, that's fine… You can both get your asses kicked before I go see Rose!

J: Oh, right. You’re a f[REDACTED] too. Figures! 

Ne: You think that affects me? So what! I like boys and girls, got an issue with that?

?: I knew they were infecting him, Jason! You need to get rid of her!

[Voice identified: Gloria.]

[Jason lunges at Ness, the sharp end of the stick aimed directly for her eye.]

[Ness ducks under, hitting Jason in the gut with the baseball bat before hopping up.]

Ne: MISSED ME! You should be more careful dude, you could poke an eye out with that!

J: Shut the fuck up, you r[REDACTED]! 

Ne: Dude chill out! Want a fuckin snickers or something?

[Out of frame, there is a loud struggle, Ness turns to look. Edgar can be seen attempting to break free of Gloria’s hold, he manages to shout one thing.] 

E: NESS! HE HAS A– Ghk!

[Gloria regains her grip.]

Ne: HE HAS A WHAT?

[More fighting, Edgar manages to kick Gloria’s legs out from under her. The two landing on the ground, he shouts one more thing before returning to the fight.]

E: GUN! HE HAS A FUCKING GUN!

Ne: WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN HE HAS A GUN?

E: THE FUCK DO YOU THINK IT– LOOK OUT!

[A loud gunshot, and a scream. Ness falls to the ground.]

Ne: SON OF A BITCH!

E: NESS! 

[A mess of shouting, as Edgar manages to overpower Gloria, he sprints over to Ness.]

[Something clatters to the ground at the same time as a loud swoosh. Edgar kneels down next to Ness.]

Ne: I- OW! F- Fuck, am I gonna be ok?

E: Yeah– yeah. you’re going to be okay. You’ll be fine. I–

Ne: I REALLY WANT TO CURB STOMP THAT BITCH!

E: Ness, you might have to– Ugh, never mind. That’s not going to stop y–

[Edgar is interrupted as Jason whacks him in the side with the same stick. He sits there for a moment, before standing up.]

[Ness begins trying to remove her jacket, only visible through slight glimpses as she tries to keep hold of the phone.]

J: I’d suggest admitting defeat, Edgar. You’ve lost! You can’t win! I’m just better, I always have been!

E: Do everyone a favor and close your jaw before I rip it off of your head.

Ne: [Whispering.] I'm gonna see Rose… one way or another. I promised her…

J: Hm? Threatening me? That’s rich. You’re just saying things, hoping I’ll surrender. Not happening! You disgust me, encouraging that gross behavior, killing the man I once saw in Liam. Replacing it with a WOMAN. He’s gone soft!

E: Jason, the only thing that’s soft around here is your dick. 

[Before Jason can respond, Edgar tackles Jason, the crowbar in his hands horizontally, the two landing out of frame. Their fight can be heard from where Ness is.]

Ne: [Mumbling.] Ok… Ok ness get up… G- gotta get up…

[As Ness speaks to herself, the fighting gets more intense, the two throwing insults back and forth rapidly, Jason’s cannot be repeated by the software.] 

Ne: [Mumbling.] S- something to get up with… Anything…

[Ness sets the phone down against a tree, using one hand to apply pressure to her gunshot wound the other to wrap a jacket around it, as she ties it she screams in pain before using the tree to slowly stand up. She moves the phone over, Edgar and Jason can now be seen in frame.]

[The two are no longer on the ground, now standing up further away. Edgar kicks Jason in the crotch, sending the man to the ground. He attempts to crawl over to the gun, away from the camera. Edgar stops him easily. Holding his crowbar high.]

E: Ness, look away.

Ne: No. This asshole shot me… So I don't think I will.

E: I mean it, Ness. Look. Away. 

Ne: F– fine…

[As Edgar has this conversation with Ness, Jason grabs something out of his pocket. He jabs it into Edgar’s leg, he shouts in pain, and finally drives the crowbar into Jason’s head. Edgar tugs on it. Jason’s corpse flops over. The crowbar stays.]

E: Ew.

[Ness screams in terror before ultimately throwing up out of frame, the noise being the only thing the recording can really hear. She falls to the ground in front of the phone, holding the bullet wound, sobbing.]

[Edgar turns to Ness, then back to the crowbar, he places one foot on Jason's shoulder, and yanks on the crowbar. It comes out with a small bit of blood. The corpse once again flops over. He jogs up to Ness.]

E: Are you alright?

Ne: [Muttering.] I just watched someone die… I know he deserved it but… I… I've never seen someone die in person… What the FUCK!

E: I told you to look away, Ness. I didn’t want you to have to see that. 

Ne: I need to go… I need to see Rose…

[Ness attempts to stand up, only to fall right back down screaming in pain.]

E: Woah, hey. Easy. Jeez, we need to get you to the hospital…

Ne: [Muffled.] That’s where I was going… so I guess it works out.

[Another gunshot, without a scream or shout. The bullet missed.]

E: Wha– oh. Right. Gloria.

[A yelp, followed by footsteps. Gloria sprints into the forest.]

E: Fuck! We– Damn it. 

Ne: I mean… We both have pretty good alibis if we just say we were both just walking around… And with marina's help… Wouldn't be the first time Marina kept me out of legal trouble.

E: It’s not that part that I’m worried about. Jason said that she broke Liam’s arm, not him. I don’t think he’s safe as long as she’s out there.

Ne: Shit… You're right… Also you just killed her husband… So lord knows what she's gonn- OW OW SON OF A BITCH OW!

E: Alright, we’ve gotta get you to the hospital, like, now. We can’t dawdle here for much longer. 

Ne: Yeah… Christ… Call someone I don't have my phone…

E: Alright. I… Ness. I’m really sorry that you saw… all of that. I didn’t mean to, uh… go that far. 

Ne: Dude… It’s fine I was just caught off guard… I just want to go see Rose…

E: Yep, yeah. Okay, got it. I might try to visit as well. 

[Edgar takes his phone and opens it up, the view changing to his legs, a small-ish knife stuck into the side of one, somehow going completely unnoticed. He begins to type out a message, before stopping.]

E: No… are you fucking kidding me?

Ne: what now?

E: There’s been a fucking transcript going for... god knows how long. I… fucking hell.

Ne: Are you fuckin' kidding m- OW GOD DAMNIT!

[Before turning the transcript off, Edgar moves to try and support Ness, his own wounds going unnoticed once more.]

[Transcript end.]

[talkingharrystyles]

OMG bestie I just saw that article about OW and her Strokes shirt and I am dyingggggg. She never misses!!! Like nobody would know she’s making a statement with her shirt unless you KNOW, you know?? She is such a girlboss I bet Harry is afraid to face her because he would totally be out girlbossed, you know??? And like, making a statement with a subtle t-shirt is going to catch on in a BIG WAY she is always the first one to know about new trends I think she must set them herself. The next big celebrity split is gonna have so many insider shirt messages. Her kids are so lucky that she’s like actually really cool and part of cool culture stuff and she’s going to show them how to do it too! Harry must be MORTIFIED knowing that she is living her best life now and thriving without him. He didn’t realize how good he had it and she’s gonna be the one who got away that he talks about decades from now. Like he must miss he stepkids like crazy since they lived together for two years. I bet he loved being a young Dad.

Soooo that was me doing my best to say what I think her stans are trying to say? Did I hit the big points? I didn’t mention that she bounced to Hawaii right away because she deserved a vacation after how terrible Harry was to her oops. Maybe next time I’ll have to work on it. And I know we’re not talking about her since she suckssssss so much and I actually might hate her but I’m annoyed and haven’t been sleeping much and I wanted to make fun of her. Sending a message on a t-shirt? Girl you are 40 not in 4th grade you have got to be embarrassed. Maybe her kids told her to do it and she’s so dumb she thought it was brilliant. Also like I know keeping your name in articles is part of promoting your work in her industry (unless they kicked her out because she stopped working) plus she got so much attention which she just adores but oh my God do you not have anyone in your life at all giving you attention or helping you understand that you are not helping yourself professionally or personally in any way whatsoever? Every decision she has made seems to have backfired on her. I don’t think I’m wrong to believe that if I was completely destroying my life right and left that a couple of them would kindly talk about it with me and offer support and guidance. Oh and they DEFINITELY would have told me I needed to get a life instead of attending 50+ Harry shows in like 2 weeks. They would have told me my outfits were embarrassing because there really isn’t any other way to explain them. Usually I feel empathy and strong secondhand embarrassment and compassion when I see people acting so desperately to appear in the daily mail, even people I don’t know at all but not here. There is no coming back from this and making me be generous towards her for one single second. I hope she moves back to VA with her parents and has to work at a housewares store for the next 75 years. She can tell everyone the story of what aprons Really Mean and everyone will become a feminist immediately.