#i hate when ppl i love are suffering and i can’t rlly do anything

[motheyes]

man things have been crazy

[babyspacekwid]

Some of my Astro placements and how they manifest

Chiron 4th house:

This placement talks of a wound surrounding the family and home, and well, I would often search for a home because no where to me felt like home. I still feel misunderstood and out of place, BUT, I have made deep and valuable connections that have helped guide me and make me feel the love I should have had. Not to say this placement is completely hopless, it’s beautiful and it’s real and it’s tough, but you come out stronger. I use to hate that fucking perspective too. Like okay??? Who gaf if I come out stronger I’m fucking suffering, like why didn’t I get the parents everyone else has? Why’d I have to walk on eggshells? I felt like my anger and sadness was invalidated because I didn’t feel strong. I felt worthless and disorganized. I was a mess and I still am. Idk if that’s ever gonna change tbh, but despite all, it’s true. You DO come out stronger. In every aspect I have. Home is your people it was never a place, home is your mother cradling you for the first time in a while, it’s your friends taking care of you when you’re sobbing. Home is your dad realizing his mistakes and apologizing. Home is a feeling, it’s refreshing and comforting. Home was never suppose to be stressful, or feel like a war zone. To whoever has this same placement I feel you and I love you.

Mars in Aquarius in the 5th house

I do things unconventionally and I only realize this when I’m with other ppl. It can be as simple as the way I eat my burger, to my taste in music. Which is everything. I like literally everything. I don’t care the genre. If it’s good and catchy I love it. I did a lot of different hobbies as a kid too? Like taekwondo, dance, soccer, painting, singing, writing. But I never stayed long in any of those hobbies. Loved anime which ik everyone likes these days but where I live and during my childhood it was still a bit taboo or considered weird to watch. I was the kid that got along with everyone at school too. I didn’t see the point in highschool having a social hierarchy of popularity. It’s fucking stupid. I remember this one kid in my class who everyone thought was weird, which from their perspective I understand because he liked to talk about taboo topics that everyone thought was outrageous, but I was enjoying conversing with him because his perspectives were fresh and built my own views and opinions. I also have a 5th house stellium and I just fucking hate anything that isn’t fun like. I can’t do the 9-5 I have to enjoy my life like this society was not meant for the way my brain works istg.

Lilith 8th house

Constant comments were made about my body when I was young. From good to bad to what the actual fuck are you saying to a 12 year old. No cause it still happens and I’ve learnt to deal with it, but it has greatly affected how I view myself, my sexuality, and my comfortability with it.

Sun and moon in Gemini

I got the worst of both worlds wtf is this?! Considering my chart is 60% air signs you’d think I’d be use to it but I’m notttttt. I try to stray away from the stereotypical “Geminis intellectualize their emotions” but it’s true we do, but I think it’s cause feeling our emotions are overwhelming. Geminis ARE emotional. There’s just so much going on that my brain decides “I need a solution to this now cause feeling is pain” also hate that I’m not consistent. Consistency is my worst enemy, it doesn’t agree with me and my behaviours and we have an ongoing tense relationship, so I don’t finish anything. Not the books I wanna write or the paintings I wanna finish. Working on it tho 😭

Jupiter in Leo in the 11th house

I know so many people, and the friends I’ve made feel like my soul family. We’re siblings at this point. (Also rlly love the spotlight. What can I say I’m an attention whore)

[crossdressingdeath]

This isn't necessarily abt LSZ, byt it annoys me when ppl are like " you must forgive the ppl who wronged you in order to be a good person"

Bcs some were raised passive, some are used to letting go, and learning to love yourself enough to be angry abt what happened is a rlly important and powerful message

I won't argue abt canon, bcs i have fic for it, but, as healthy as it is, it's also frustrating. LSZ has never been shown as a particularly assertive person, and him being angry at what happened would have been satisfying and shown that he's learned the lesson of not tearing yourself down for other's comfort ( which is more WWX to learn than his tbh, but whateves)

JL, on the other hand, who's angry and assertive and doesn't listen to anyone, him choosing to forgive and forget ( WWX) feels more powerful narratively, bcs it's an active choice, not something that's been trained into him, he chose to let go of the anger before to be more happy

So yeah, I've seen a lot of arguments, but i think this is what boils down to. We want passive characters, those who stood and suffered to get angry and validated, because so few of us ever get the chance to

Except... here's the thing. LSZ didn't learn to "tear himself down for others' comfort". He's a peacemaker, yes, he tries to resolve fights, yes, but that's just because he's the sort of person who prefers peaceful resolutions. Come on, that kid was raised by LWJ. I don't doubt for a second he was spoiled rotten. I think people forget that someone preferring to be quiet and gentle isn't the same as being passive; LSZ doesn't assert himself because... well, he doesn't particularly want to. He lets LJY do it for him, most of the time. I have on multiple occasions seen people insisting there's something wrong with LSZ/WWX and LWJ's parenting because LSZ doesn't like to start fights over things that don't matter at the end of the day, and like... there's nothing wrong with being the type to forgive others and let things go, so long as it isn't taken into doormat territory. LSZ chooses to forgive the Lans for their part in his family's deaths, because the Lans a) played a pretty small part on balance and b) have raised and protected him with love and care his entire life when they didn't actually have to do that; I'd argue that's just as powerful as JL forgiving WWX. It's just quieter. And LSZ does assert himself; he's just quiet about it. He doesn't shout like JL does, but he doesn't let himself be ignored either! Remember, it's LSZ who keeps the juniors from making a huge thing about LWJ tying WWX up with the forehead ribbon; the fact that he did it with a smile on his face and without ever raising his voice doesn't make that not assertive! In fact he seems to be the leader of the multi-sect duckling contingent; they all listen to him, even JL at least some of the time (which is more than most people get). Assertiveness and aggression are not synonymous.

So I guess what I'm saying is... why is it that JL is seen as assertive when he shouts and cries but can never get people to do what he wants (he can't even get LJY to stop calling him 'young mistress'!), while LSZ is seen as passive when he actually does get people to do what he wants without ever raising his voice? Why are screaming, crying tantrums (I love JL but. they are tantrums) assertive while calmly taking control of the group and leading them down the path you've decided is passive? Why should LSZ have to scream his anger to the heavens for it to be real? He's not angry at LWJ and WWX, because why would he be? He's not angry (or at least not more angry than anything else) at the Lans, because they're the family that raised him well. Why does it follow that he's not angry at the people actually responsible, people he never talks to and so has no opportunity to openly tear down for causing his family's deaths? And remember, LSZ temporarily leaves the sect to travel with WN (which he as a disciple would've had to get permission to do, by the way; I'd argue that going to LQR and saying "Hey, I'm gonna fuck off to Qishan with my fierce corpse uncle to learn more about my birth family" counts as asserting yourself!); it's partly to learn about his birth family, but I don't doubt he also wanted time to think about things away from the Lans.

You say his "passivity" is something LSZ was trained into, but... come on, look at the Lans. These are the most stubborn assholes in all the sects. They wouldn't be teaching him to be passive, they'd be teaching him to keep his cool while verbally eviscerating his enemies. He was raised to be polite and to show his elders the deference due to their age and experience; that doesn't make him passive. The only time we see him being anything close to passive is when Madam Mo is hurling insults at him, and I'd say that's more "customer service" than any actual passivity. He's expected not to make demands of his elders (hence why he doesn't go off on JC beyond the bounds of "Hanguang-jun says"), but I say again: he's clearly the social leader of his group. He's not passive, he just follows the example of his uncle (who once got two men who hated each other to swear oaths of brotherhood to make him happy; it wasn't a wise move in the long run, but it's impressive he got as far as he did!) and gets what he wants through diplomacy, rather than being intimidating enough to force people to do what he wants.

I... don't actually know where I'm going with this. I guess I just get annoyed whenever people talk like there's something wrong with LSZ (usually something about him being too passive) when... he's probably one of the mentally healthiest characters in the whole cast! This boy was raised well among people who love and care for him and because of that he's doing really well! He doesn't yell and cry when things don't go his way like JL because he was raised in an environment where he was treated with respect as a person, and he forgives the Lans not because he's been raised to passively take whatever's done to him as deserved (like WWX) but because he loves them, because they earned that love by being good to him. Why should that be seen as passive just because he doesn't yell about it?

[beloved-child-of-the-house]

here’s some stuff that happened to harry between the end of the war and seeing draco again in moonrise

-he gave kreacher all the money sirius left to him, and tried to give him grimmauld place but kreacher didn’t want the house; for a while they lived together like roommates, and then kreacher went to live with some elves from the free elf movement in france

-harry testified at a ton of death eater trials, including draco malfoy’s and narcissa malfoy’s (lucius disappeared between the battle of hogwarts and the arrest of his wife and son; he was later found dead and draco has some very specific theories about that)

-due to harry’s testimony,  draco had a reduced sentence of 2 years of house arrest and 1 year of no magic (harry still had draco’s wand at the time so he knew draco was lying when he said it was destroyed during the war but he didn’t say anything); narcissa spent 6 mo in azkaban and is technically still under house arrest at the start of moonrise, but she breaks it to visit her sister bc she’s a malfoy damn it and she does what she pleases

-harry went back to hogwarts for a while to get his NEWTs because obviously hermione wanted to go and ron wanted to go with hermione and the idea of being without them and figuring out what to do with his life next made harry feel like he couldn’t breathe

-he had a VERY emotional first term with lots of yelling and storming off to sit by himself and he’s having trouble sleeping and he and ginny got back together and then broke up again and halfway through exams week during first term, he broke into the headmaster’s office in the middle of the night and just broke down sobbing because he couldn’t take it anymore and dumbledore’s portrait told him that he didn’t have to carry on at hogwarts and no one was going to be hurt/angry/disappointed in him, and he was SUPER relieved and he scared the crap out of professor mcgonagall (headmistress obvs) in the morning by having fallen asleep under the desk

-he went to stay at the burrow after that like he went for christmas and then the week between christmas and new year he broke down again and ginny told him that it’s okay that he needs help coping and there’s nothing wrong with getting it so he checked into st. mungo’s

-st. mungo’s has a new ward to treat wix who have been traumatically impacted by magic like straightforward spell damage or just had some kind of traumatizing experience with magic (mainly due to muggleborns being like please ma’am a crumb of therapy) and there are a ton of hogwarts students there including a bunch of slytherins and harry sees a lot of folks he knows which he finds kind of sad because they are all suffering at the same time for the same reasons and then also he knows there’s something good about it too because they can get help now, which they wouldn’t be able to before

-he sees neville a lot at st mungo’s, bc neville goes there to visit his parents and he gets sort of fascinated/obsessed with neville the way he does sometimes bc he can’t stop thinking about how neville could have been the chosen one and also he realizes that he’s attracted to neville and for a while he thinks neville kind of fostered this fundamental change in him because he’s never been conscious of being attracted to men before

-harry tries to ask hermione if there’s some kind of magical explanation for his interest in neville and hermione very gently tells him what being gay is, and harry’s like uhhhh yeah i actually have heard of that hermione but i’m not gay what about ginny so hermione goes to a muggle library and brings harry back a book about bisexuality and harry is like !!!!!!! he also revisits his past and realizes that he was very attracted to cedric diggory and viktor krum (he likes jocks) and also he realized that he still IS attracted to bill weasley 

-harry gets really into books because he didn’t know books could tell you such personal, useful things! hermione makes him get a library card

-ron leaves hogwarts after having obtained an acceptable number of NEWTS and moves in with harry at grimmauld place; hermione lives with her parents and ponders magical law school and visits a lot

-he starts dating neville! he only meant to come out to neville but neville thought harry was asking him out and accepted and harry was like okay yes let’s go with that 

-he gets a job in a muggle feminist bookshop and the middle aged muggle ladies who work there LOVE him so much because he’s polite and kind and down to earth and he loves books and harry is so MOVED because they don’t know he’s harry potter, they just know he’s a lovely boy. there’s one point where someone mentions a niece rather hopefully and harry’s worried it will get awkward but he just politely brings up neville, and they love him even more

-he breaks up with neville because he’s a little bored? he feels like there isn’t enough friction and then he is kind of miserable and self loathing for a while because he hates disappointing people and he has a little bit of a downswing

-ginny comes out as a lesbian and starts dating luna and at first harry kinda wonders if it had anything to do with him and he kind of hints at that to ron and ron scoffs and tells him he’s got a big head and harry is sheepish and realizes he’s being silly 

-ron and hermione get engaged which makes harry feel panicky again for a while and he thinks about how charlie weasley is part of a triad and harry wonders if he wants that with ron and hermione and then decides he’s not in the least attracted to either of them so probably not and then he makes them camp out in the sitting room of grimmauld place with him and they toast marshmallows on the fire and sit up all night talking and harry feels very loved

-the slytherin kids start showing up at grimmauld place one by one after they stand up to their bigot families and get disowned or else they just burn out in general. they tend to be a little snide but harry makes it clear that there is a standard for respect and kindness at grimmauld place, and people mostly meet it. harry and hermione help them learn some muggle skills and find muggle jobs so that they can support themselves (some of them have been banned from using magic or had their wands snapped but they’re trying to better themselves and learn how to treat ppl and harry rlly respects that) 

-around this time, harry starts spending more time with teddy lupin, and he keeps running into narcissa malfoy at andromeda tonks’ house, and he’s honestly kind of impressed that she’s risking being sent back to azkaban by breaking her house arrest just to see her sister and her nephew and he’s seen some other slytherins change, and besides she did save his life just because she loved her son, so he’s cautiously friendly to her

-the way narcissa (aunt cissy to some) talks about draco makes harry very curious about him like she implies he has a Terrible Secret and harry’s like !!!!!!!!!!! i must know all at once

-harry digs up draco’s wand, which he has never bothered to return and decides now is the moment to return it because he’s DESPERATE to speak to draco and see him with his own two eyes

[zhuhongs]

Here’s my long ass review of TGCF that literally no one asked for it i have opinions and I have no one to tell them too so i must write them out and post them. (also part of this is abt the mdzs novel bc i can’t not compare them and I have a lot of thoughts abt that too)

This is very very long so it’s going under a read more. Spoilers ahead!!

Okay so first off this book was a fucking behemoth i can’t believe i read all of that (minus the extras) in under a week.. what the fuck. I definetly got reading fatigue halfway thru book 3.

I’m gonna separate my thoughts into sections bc i  have a few points that don’t all relate

firstly, overall writing and organization:

I said it earlier but tgcf is a lot more structurally sound than mdzs imo. My biggest criticism of the MDZS novel (minus the bad sex scenes, homophobia, and general I hate mxtxness of it) was the way the flashbacks were presented. 

Like OH MY GOD they were presented so badly. I hated that the flashback was told intermittently and only when one of the characters invoked the past. For example, when WWX meets Jiang Cheng and a second time, Jin Ling distracts JC to release “Mo Xuanyu” bc he saved his life in the Nie Ancestral hall earlier. WWX then proceeds to be the self sacrificing dude he is and take away Jin Ling’s curse and put it on himself. When he escapes and returns to LWJ, LWJ offers to carry him.

 If you watched CQL, you know exactly what LWJ is referring to when he says smth to the effect of “You once offered to carry me too, remember.” HOWEVER in the novel you don’t know what he’s talking about. This is because the flashback wasn’t been revealed to you yet. The next chapter goes to tell the flashback. I think that this takes away all of the emotional depth away from the scene. But in CQL, having the flashback already be known, you make the connection on your own and are like “awww wangji remembers that.. even 16 years later.“ Its a lot sweeter bc you know what the two have gone thru. At this point in the MDZS novel its barely the 30th chapter or so and you have no real idea what wangxian have been thru together or what reasons wangji has for loving wwx. You just think, well obviously they like each other bc this is a danmei novel and they are the two leads, ofc they have to like each other. But in cql, you learn through watching them that they’re in love. It’s not just like”well they have to be!! its a bl!!”

Okay that was a rlly long side tangent but it makes me so angry. So what did any of that have to do with TGCF?? well tgcf doesn’t have this issue. In fact, i believe that it gains a lot from having the flashback withheld from the reader. 

I really liked how the flashbacks were contained to books 2 and 4 respectively because it adds a layer of mystery. Hua Cheng is a very secretive man so it makes sense for us to not know everything about him upfront. The way that the author teases and hints little things at you make you want to know more, making it all the more satisfying when the truth is revealed. Because in a way you Know that Hua Cheng meets Xie Lian before and you know that he’s the child XL saved during the God Pleasing Ceremony but you don’t know all the details. Like obviously since Hua Cheng is a ghost you know that he’s died and it was likely for Xie Lian or Xian le’s sake but you probably never expected that he actually died twice. Once on the battle field and second when he took the human face disease. I think the difference between these flashbacks and the flashbacks in MDZS result from the length. In TGCF you get two long concise flashbacks that make sense to be placed where they are. Book 2 because you already have a feel and hint at what the characters have been through and book 4 because the White No Face appears again so then you learn how he and Xie Lian met before. It wouldn’t make sense to place book 2 any earlier bc there is no emotional impact. And it doesn’t make sense to place book 4 earlier because you don’t know what the white no face’s deal is so it’d be confusing. In MDZS, you get numerous short flashbacks happening alongside the main story and it makes it hard to piece together the timeline in a way that feels satisfying. Ik a lot of ppl grill cql for having a confusing intro episode and having a rlly long flashback but its much better than the mdzs novel. However the mdzs donghua handles the flashback in the most concise way imo.

Overall i think the way the story is structured is very good and is a step up from mdzs. Also the horror aspects of tgcf are rlly enjoyable and honestly i think mxtx should just write short horror stories at this point. like enough long ass novels chock full of fetishization. just write some fun horror with no romance and call it a day.. pls

Side Characters:

okay so straight up, i think the side characters arent used as well as they were in mdzs bc mxtx wanted to focus on hualian and didn’t want to give the side characters as much focus. This is a weaker point of the novel.

I’ll get into it more below but i think hua cheng was done dirty as a character by having him rlly only care abt xie lian. Since he doesn;t have any real relationships with others outside of xie lian this takes away from having more depth in the side characters. They’re really only related as far as xie lian’s relationship with them. Though thankfully xie lian gets rather close with a few officials and the ones we get to see more of are rlly interesting. I especially loved the reconciliation of mu qing, feng xin, and xie lian at the end of book 5. honestly their relationship was one my favorites and i’m glad they finally said what they had to say to each other after 800 fucking years. Also Shi Qingxuan is a delight. we stan sqx in this house.

The characters i wish we had seen more of were yushi huang (although she didnt rlly want to be there, good for her), Quan Yizhen and Yin Yu. I very much wish yizhen and yin yus story happened earlier on and we had more time with them. It felt strange to have their subplot occur towards the end and it was sort of out of place but i liked them a lot!! i wish there was more to it. and that there was a reconcilation but mxtx hates happy shidi’s doesnt she, (glares at novel jc). Also man yin yu did NOT have to die like that i’m sad.

Also, honestly.. i don’t think qi rong added to the story whatsoever and i have no clue why he and guzi were there. qi rong just pissed me off the whole time and added literally nothing.

going back to yushi huang, i’d like to say for the millionth time that i hate how mxtx uses any of her female characters. like we get it.. u hate women being useful... im still pressed but what i want to say has been said many times before so ill leave it at that.

Hualian:

I really really did like hualian at the end. They had a truly epic love story and it was so beautiful, especially when hua cheng repeated his words as wuming to xie lian as he started to disappear. But, I said it once and i’ll say it again. I don’t think Hualian is a super healthy relationship. As fiction its fine (i firmly believe fiction impacts reality but let me finish), i guess bc literally nothing about their situation can be replicated irl and none of it ended up containing manipulation or abuse or anything bad but there was a potential for it to and i’m really glad it didnt go that route.

Hualian is a highly idealized and romanticized relationship full of some truly troubling feelings of self worth. While its “beautiful” in a way that hc really was xls most devoted believer, it wasnt healthy for him to live for xl like this. Nor was it healthy for xl to feel so unworthy of hua chengs love.  

Hua Cheng’s devotion to Xie Lian is a little too extreme and it bothers me. When the truth was revealed abt the Temple of 10,000 Gods I had the same reaction as Mu Qing and Feng Xin. I was like... HEY WHAT THE FUCKK that’s a little uh... thats NOT HEALTHY,, dianxia PLEASE say smth. But ofc Xie Lian didn’t say fucking anything and and i was so pissed. Like the whole thing of Hua Cheng living his life solely for XIe Lian is really kinda fucked up and not romantic. I was holding out hope that at some point XIe Lian would sit him down and be like “Hey! I love you and i’m really grateful that all these years you’ve still believed in me when no one else did. But you can’t just live your life for my sake. You deserve love from many other other people and deserve to have a life and happiness outside of me. I still want to spend the rest of my life with you, but you need to not only think of me.” or something to that effect

It bothers me that after Xie Lian learns the truth he doesn’t once reassure Hua Cheng that he didn’t have to make Xie Lian his reason for existence. Like.. idk i just think that’s rlly kinda unhealthy. Like I understand why Hua Cheng is so deeply devoted to Xie Lian-- he saved his life twice and was the only one to ever show him kindness and he’s seen xie lian suffer a fate worse than death multiple times. I get that he wants to protect him and make his life easier, but to not let anyone else into his life and spend 800 years looking for xie lian is just overkill. Like if the whole 10k statues thing never happened i’d be 100 percent fine with hualin but the whole devotion to that extent... uhhh yea.. no that put a bad taste in my mouth. Obsession should not be romanticised. I don’t think any reader of tgcf is going out and deciding to live like hua cheng obviously but still.

Also Side note, the whole 100 swords scene.. bro i felt for hua cheng, the way he screamed seeing that, i don’t blame him. I was so horrified reading that chapter. i don’t think i’ve been so horrified by a piece of media like that in a while. Poor fucking xie lian.. oh my god. I understand the intense reaction he had and how seeing that prompted such a degree of loyalty but still.. 10k statues?? the cave that mu qing and feng xin saw... thats a little too much obssession... like please.. dial it back.. im begging u.

I was talking to mary (liviahyes) and she said smth abt how Hua Cheng doesn’t have a character outside of xie lian. And she’s right, he kinda doesn’t. If Xie Lian didn’t exist neither would Hua Cheng. I get that that counds kinda romantic but in practice i don’t think its a good things. Especially because Xie Lian has a story outside of Hua Cheng, hehas goals, he has friends, he has something. Hua Cheng said it-- his only dream is Xie Lian. Which is romantic but very very unbalanced. 

THAT BEING SAID, i still rly liked their relationship and i think theyre cute they just have issues they need to work through. I mean they have time but yea. It wasn’t perfect but eh. overall i’m bitter bc they couldve been THAT COUPLE but theyre so many bad implications as mentioned above and i.. smh. They still have amazing moments. Like the lantern scene, the alter scene, the “what matters is you, not the state of you”, the end when hua cheng helps release the shackles on xie lian, the scene where hua cheng disappears, the way xie lian waited for him, like they were so close to being THAT COUPLE but then mxtx and her fujo ass just had to make it uncomfortable like that. i’m so bitter. Like the reason why i wrote out all of this is bc this novel could’ve been great but so many little things added up and made the experience far more sour than it shouldve been.

MXTX did hua cheng SO DIRTY by not giving him a character much outside of loving xie lian and being good at everything. Like when I first learned abt how Hua Cheng beat 33 heavenly officials at what they excel in best i was like WHO IS THIS LEGEND but honestly.. he rlly doesn’t have any motivations outside of helping xie lian and I wish he had more to him . Like if we had more situations like the one where hua cheng dug out his own eye to save the group of mortals on mount tong’lu then he’d have been a much more well rounded character. Honestly, that’s rlly the only instance where he seems to have taken xie lians ideals to heart. I wish we had more of that bc that scene was so cool. i wish it hadn’t been revealled so late and there was more than one occasion where he defends others (minus xie lian ofc) without anything for himself to gain that.

To contrast hualian with wangxian, i think wangxian work so well bc at their core, they have the same life goals and same ideas about people and the world. Where in hualian, xie lian has core principles and morals and hua cheng is just like, anything for xie lian. SMH they couldve been great but overall i think hualian falls flat for me because of my own fear of dating someone who doesn’t have a life outside of dating me. Moreso, my parents had this sort of unbalanced relationship towards the end of their marriage and it ended very badly and yea, i just can’t whole heartedly love relationships that in any way resemble this, even if it ends differently. that’s a personal thing tho.

I don’t think Hua Cheng has ANY bad intentions towards Xie Lian or ever will. I don’t think he’s ever manipulated xl or tried to force him to love him. But again, it’s my own personal feelings that makes me feel kinda.. ehh conflicted abt hualian. There was potential but again.. fujoshis ruin everything... smh. Overall i think the way it ended redeemed the issues it had but still there were issues and i really wish xie lian like,, reassured hua cheng about living his life freely at some point but whatever. 

IN CONCLUSION

TGCF had the potential to be better than mdzs, it rlly did but it was bogged down by the authors own toxic mentalities abt love, and mlm relationships, and treating women like ppl and it just leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I enjoyed this book, truly i did (otherwise i wouldn’t have stuck through and read 750k words of it) but there are some flaws that cannot be glossed over. I hope that tgcf when it does get adapted, goes through the same miracle that cql did and makes the characters more like ppl and less like tropes but i doubt it. Also i highly doubt that a live action tgcf is feasible given the supernatural aspects of the series but we shall see. I’m excited for the donghua when it eventual comes out but i will continue to be critical of the novel bc..well.. you see why. idk if i’d reccommend this book tbh bc like yes i would, no i would... well.. </3. yea. overall, it sure was something that i enjoyed in spades. especially the last 5 chapters. I generally liked it but had many issues with it at the same time, but honestly, yea thats the standard fair for a mxtx novel. 

[honeyfreckled]

we have talked a few times and im sorry for this but you are the most accepting and easiest person to talk to honestly i dont have many people in my life i can tell anything real to. but the thing is ive been thinging about relapsing a lot more since i broke up with my boyfriend and i work with him so it makes work depressing and impossible to get through a day without crying sorry this is anon but i am scared ily dont hate me i am not trying to stress you out

ok wow first lemme just say: I DO NOT HATE U. EVER. 

and don’t be srry i don’t have a lotta ppl irl i can tell my shit to so i get it. pls know u can always ALWAYS ALWAYS come to me, and u dont gotta be scared to come off anon. i get it and it’s ok if u prefer it that way- but pls know i dont keep it on alot bc i get hate and then i turn it off bc i gotta look out for myself and dont post all the hate bc i dont wanna bring yall down or give them the satisfaction of knowing i have given it a read and response. so u can message me or make a sideblog or idk im just saying this so if it’s off later u dont blame yrself or feel scared to come off anon. ok sorelapse is a real thing and it’s fucked and hard and addiction is fucked up and a real life struggle and we dont treat addicts w the real tenderness, respect, kindness, and acceptance they deserve. but u DO deserve it. and there are hotlines, apps, churches, groups, chatrooms/boards, and sites that are more versed in what are the appropriate things to say to u- i say this bc while i’ve been thru it w loved ones i have not myself struggled w addiction w substances. my addictions were to self harm and victimhood so those are the things i searched for help on. but if it’s alright i’d like to give u some tips or things i used and have heard work for addicts of substances

places like i said like churches, groups, chatrooms, sites, apps, hotlines the apps and hotlines are good if u cant travel or want to talk to ppl who wont share their story bc maybe u cant hear it like its not the kinda help ur looking for. hotlines are sometimes tricky bc some of those folks are not educated they are volunteers so judgment leaks thru and in that case u ask to be redirected and report that volunteer so hopefully they dont repeat that kinda mess to other vulnerable folks looking for help

make a list of things, anything. list of foods u like to order, list of things that make u clench yr teeth, what were yr fave gifts you’ve ever got, style icons of urs, hobbies u tried that annoyed u, movies u can always watch, places on yr skin u hate being touched, any list of anything it doesnt have to be the usual thing of “what to live for” bc when yr depressed those kinds of things arent easy to think of. but if u get a list going of like “best things ive ever touched” “sounds that make me laugh” “trends that were stupid af” “popular things that i didnt like n couldnt figure out why they were popular” “weirdest ppl ive met” well those things might get u on a roll of good memories or laughing or seeing that theres more to yr life than what has been occupying yr thoughts

dancing. dance in yr room in the dark. clear some space. put on some headphones. lock yr door. do it in the shower. just dance. i had to start w closing my eyes and picking songs that i was taken by emotionally. songs that made me jump and slamdance tbh and then it’s just gotten more and more something im not as ashamed w. i spent a date night w james just dancing and then we ya know ya know bc the dancing got so wild. now i make playlists of songs that set moods for diff kinds of dancing

watch shows w ppl who arent doing better than u. they dont live in fancy places, they dont do much w their lives, they dont dress better than u, they struggle, they arent eating good food u dont have access to. iasip. freaks and geeks. letterkenny. undeclared. jake and amir. tpb. the state. youtube. tiktok/vine comps. lots of these kinds of vibes on youtube

podcasts. improv comedy podcasts tbh saved my life. comedy bang! bang! has best of’s those are good ones to start w. improv4humans bc matt besser has great guests of some of the best improvisers out there and he has musical guests and they’ll play a song and the improvisers will use it as inspo for a scene

make things. moodboards. pinterest. playlists. fill a shopping cart and tell yrself “i’ll get it when i win the lotto and move away from anyone who knows me so i can be the me i wanna be w/out judgement” make tea. make a meal if u can. make yr bed. clean one thing. clean the sink. hang some clothes or go thru yr drawers and clean them out. throwing things out feels hard at first but then it’s nice bc u feel less bogged down

find something to throw yr obsession at for a bit. something that wont hurt u as bad, being obsessed in general isnt good. everything in moderation irl. too much of something is bad just as much as too less of it can be bad. but yr looking for something lower risk here and if u gotta be obsessed w a celeb or a song or a food that’s ok. yr focusing the energy on something that isnt a substance so be proud of it

give yrself a break. give yrself some credit. everyday isnt gonna be on the “best of your name here’s days” but sometimes u just live to live bc that’s what u do. u wait it out and get thru it and wait for the sun to come back out. and if u cant get outta bed. or if you hate yr job and wanna scream- that’s normal it’s more normal than always being happy ppl just dont like talking abt bc society kinda trains us to hide our fucked upness idk why but thats how it is. they dont wanna tell us to do preventative care until we’re in the pits

all in all- it comes down to (at least for me) not planning w an endgoal in mind. it’s not over til it’s over and rlly we dont know. it’s all fluctuating and not meant to be a finish line we cross and then suddenly we’re done and we dont suffer anymore and the feeling of shit is gone or the risk of relapse is gone and the depression is cleared away never to be seen again. it’s not realistic. bc it isnt real. on the real- risk is always there and the downs and ups mix and run together and depression is not curable (this isnt something to be miserable over tho) depression isnt curable, yeah ok, but it is manageable. it can be quieted down from time to time and if u keep up w yr healthy routines and coping mechanisms- depression will still find its way to u bc the real world is not something u can manage. death in the family, loss of money or job, car breaking down, sickness outta nowhere, depression grows wild when these very real life stressors come into our lives. but all that too eventually gets easier and easier at least from a “ok i have some distance now” standpoint. and then as those days get more and more btwn it u can then be like “oh wow, ive made it thru X amount of days! ive put up w it this long! whats one more day, whats one more week, hell might as well see how much prouder i can feel once ive got a year under my belt!” plus u will be more capable of handling the bullshit if u know u can still find some safe places in yr coping skills or friends or resources.

ok so this is prob a mess but bottomline know this:

I love  you and i will be here the best i can should u ever wanna come spill or if u need me to just send u pics of my dog or boring pics of knickknacks or selfies or memes or links or anything just tell me what u need and i will try my best to show u my love. i hope u can see that u reaching out is just already a HUGE major step in the right direction, give yrself credit! thats amazing! yr already doing it pumpkin look at u! it’s hard ik. but i also know if u are capable of saying u have this problem going on, u are capable of getting thru this. u are a light in the world. u offer goodness and u offer yrself and that’s enough. even if yr fucked up right now- u are contributing to the world by simply being u. there is literally NO ONE ELSE WHO IS YOU. so u are unique by definition. i hope u get something from this post and if not i hope it strikes an idea or thing u can do that will help. i hope u know im here and i hope u see this.

i am sending u all my light and love and good vibes and i can’t wait to see or hear from u again. u are never bothering me, a burden, or stressing me out. tbh it stresses me more that u might be struggling and not telling me or anyone. i dont ever want u to suffer in silence bc u feel guilt or scared or anything. u deserve to have a place to voice yr shit. im here to listen if u do wanna tell me anymore.

everyone else-if this helped or if u can think of anything that might help anon or anyone else- feel free to reblog and get some good NONJUDGMENTAL advice or tips and tricks going, but please please please remember to not come off as judgey or flood it with your drama. keep ur drama out of this post so anon or anyone else doesn’t get triggered by it. 

and dont ignore my rule and do it anyway and then say some shit like “ik u said not to but i think this will help lol sorry” like we need this post to stay on this vibe that i set in motion and not a struggle contest or dick measuring or all sad personal reminiscing. go make yr own post for that this is NOT the space.

[banhchao]

💀 there r so many blogs i come across on here that fill me with violent rage, but i think the most notable for me is that gaudiest patronuses freak. they’re weird for many reasons, (pretty sure they were either antiblack or a self identified as a fujoshi, or both, or something else, can’t remember) but the last thing they said that i saw was the their fairly popular post abt how performative activism is actually good and valid because “people are at least paying some attention uwu”, during the height of the George Floyd protests, with other useless crackers agreeing in the notes of it. i hate them so fucking bad every time i see someone rb from them it’s an instant block

IN RESPONSE TO THIS POST

ASDFGHJKL this was sent months ago and I always meant to answer this but I kept forgetting lol but dw my friend, your feelings of distaste and disgust for this tumblr user is valid! Thanks for sending this in - I love hating on ppl together 💜🌙☁️💧🌱🍓

I actually know nothing about them, tho I was notified by someone that they were not a great person after reblogging from someone that followed and reblogged from them. I forget all of the details but I did look thru a call out post and it was... a lot lol. But I guess the HP ref in the URL gives enough away!

It’s so goddamn typical of yt ppl to think performative activism is good, esp in regards to BLM cause it ONLY benefits yt ppl! Like how does someone exploiting the oppression and pain of marginalized groups for “clout” and social capital and looking good helpful to the groups they claim to support?! “Influencers posting black squares and infographics they didn’t bother to read thru at least gets info out to a large audience and influences them to help” when these influencers try to talk about things they don’t fully comprehend or don’t even try on understanding and learning about and end up spreading misinformation or being hypocrites. “At least ppl are paying attention” as if anybody owes them ANYTHING when yt ppl are at fault!!! like wtf you wanna cookie for pretending u give a shit for something YOU are responsible for fixing?!?! to more ppl that will pretend to give a shit just to make themselves feel better and give themselves a pat on the back. “Oh I’m such a nice, kind, educated white person because I shared this infographic!!” They are fucking despicable - they don’t do shit for activism it’s only about what activism can do for them. In a nutshell, performative activism only works to serve and appease their white saviour complex, the brave heroes to the poor pathetic and helpless people of colour!!!

Thank you for dropping this into my inbox (months ago lol). I did end up blocking not only them but the person that reblogged their posts lol. I rlly don’t need useless whities that pretend to care about ppl’s suffering and fight for rights just to pat themselves on the back and make them look good in my proximity.

[edsbev]

I'M SORRY BUT: Mike and El interacted for a week then kissed. They were separated for probably more than a year (353 and then the few weeks until the dance) And kissed... again. Don't go off on that whole "true love" bullshit because this scenario is completely unrealistic whatsoever. Also the suffer brothers said that there s gonna be "makeout" sessions for mileven so like are you serious?? There is no denying mileven drama, it's gonna happen with or without will involved in it. (Part one)

Then I get that you don’t want Will to go through pain cause he’s “been through enough”. The suffer bros. said that Will would be given a break this season, but still have other troubles (with feelings, we can assume). This either means that he’s gonna realize he’s gay or some stupid stuff because the suffer brothers don’t want to loose popularity. It isn’t likely for BYLER to actually be canon in season three because the suffer brothers are crowd pleasers and they’re gonna appeal (part 2)

To mileven fans. There were no new children casted this season so we know that they most likely haven’t picked a love interest for Will (or Dustin for that matter) and if they did set the two together, I just can’t see it. To some they can’t “see” BYLER because of the fact that they are boys or just because it seems unreal, but when you really look there are a myriad of instances that lead you to believe of their true hidden feelings. But I personally do not think that Will and Dustin (part 3)

Would be a good pairing. I’m not saying that they aren’t good people or friends or wouldn’t work well. It is just that there is no, as Steve puts it, electricity. And since it is over the summer, there is no pressure of coming out in school as well, so it would be easier on our boy to just come out to people he knows will respect and support him. And if there is a love triangle: so what? People happen to fall into love triangles all the time. We had two in the previous seasons already. (Part 4?)

Knowing the suffer brothers, they’ll do what they do best and make us suffer. But to be frank, all of these characters relish each other’s friendships and would be able to work things out with each other. Sure they butt heads but they won’t (in goat terms) loose their horns. Will and Eleven haven’t formally met, but even so Eleven was so sweet and kind to him. If anything, max and Eleven will have more drama then that live triangle would. And Mike wouldn’t hurt either of them. (Part 5)

im sorry for setting u off bud, i was just joking when i talked abt will and dustin getting together (tho i think it would be cute). i actually dont think either of them are gonna get love interests, at least not this season. though i doubt will’ll get a love interest at all (for queer baiting purposes)

and im kinda the wrong person to get into this with, bc i just dont care abt either ship enough and rlly dont wanna be involved in this shipwar. i just want will and eleven to be happy, and right now eleven is happy with mike, so i support that. though i gotta admit, i do kinda get annoyed with ppl dismissing mileven. like u dont have to ship it, thats cool. but realise that mike is elevens first real friend, the first person (aside from benny for a v short while) who actually wants to protect her, who tries to understand her, who treats her like a person who’s more than her powers. so i think its pretty easy to see why she forms such a strong attachment to him. like he literally becomes her home. 

and with mikes feelings for her…yes they only knew each other for a short period of time, but during that period of time, they went through a lot of terrible things together. and traumatic events bond ppl. not to the mention the last time mike saw el, she was literally sacrificing herself for him - dying for him, as he thought. and i think thats enough to create a pretty powerful connection between the two of them yknow? like i dont know if they rlly are ‘in love’ or whatever, but their relationship and how much they care for each other when u consider the situation under which it formed just…doesnt seem that unrealistic (and its not like the show is known for its realism)

and ur point abt the love triangles, abt their being two already…exactly lol. we’ve already had two. and the nancy/jonathan/steve triangle still doesnt seem resolved. so i think its pretty reasonable to not want another one. 

anyway. i kinda dont rlly know what point ur trying to get across with this??? but pls know: i dont hate byler at all and i understand why ppl ship it. i just personally dont. though if it became canon, i probably would. (as along as el doesnt get hurt in the process)

[realmzenith]

answer All the questions for your newest oc

DEAD U HAD TO ASK FOR NEWEST DIDN’T YOU. welp in that case have ya boi eneko

What’s the maximum amount of time your character can sit still with nothing to do?he’s a patient dude! eneko can likely sit still doing nothing for as long as his physiology will allow aka until he needs to go to the bathroom or smth. he does well w low activity as he’s an introspective person

How easy is it for your character to laugh?FAIrly easy?? on a level of one to ten w one being laughs at anything that moves or doesn’t move i’d say he’s a.. 6. ok so not that easily like he IS fairly taciturn but he will smile and laugh at a good joke esp if he’s comfy around the person making it

How do they put themselves to bed at night (reading, singing, thinking?)by crying- no jk he doesn’t… cry… emotions? what are those??? (thats a lie he’s an emotional mess) he will plan for the next day, strategizing and such but that’s honestly rlly bad for him. he stresses easily. on nights when he’s got a clearer head he’ll hum softly or read if he’s not feeling too guilty abt burning off candles. he does like night walks they always clear his mind

How easy is it to earn their trust?oh oof that’s a tricky one. not that easy but at the same time- OKAy yeah just not that easily from one being the easiest to ten being the hardest he’s likely a 8

How easy is it to earn their mistrust?VERY hard. once you’ve gained his trust he will be LOYAL af to u eneko is quiet n not the most expressive but he will absolutely go down in flames for someone he’s deemed trustworthy. a solid 9. 

Do they consider laws flexible, or immovable?laws are flexible defo. he PREFERS structure but if morality trumps laws he will break them. it also helps that he’s lowkey part of a rebellion so technically his existence in the present is breaking the law

What triggers nostalgia for them, most often? Do they enjoy that feeling?god save us all. he’s a nostalgic dude so uh, oh damn i dont have backstory for him yet i made him last night rainy stop bullying me but ykw we’re doing this. flowers defo. queen anne’s lace n bluebells esp? bring back memories n also pumpkin stew. mixed memories w that one. queen anne’s lace mean sanctuary n bluebells mean gratitude which is LOWKEY ironic considering they spawn memories of burning along w memories of his older sisters so yes?? he does like remembering his sisters but no not in that context. the stew is a weird reminder of his first love n that’s. also complicated 

What were they told to stop/start doing most often as a child?talk more and talk better. he’s got a bit of habit of being short abt things and the middle sister of the fam was ALWAYS getting on his case abt no u can’t word it like that but the eldest was and is a terrible influence n absolutely encouraged it bc she found it hilarious. it’s good they love each other i swear

Do they swear? Do they remember their first swear word?yes he’s part of a rebellion and a soldier what more do u eXPECt and no he doesn’t remember his first swear word. he also doesn’t curse that much dont get me wrong. he has to be comfy around u

What lie do they most frequently remember telling? Does it haunt them?gosh uh. eneko is still v underdeveloped so i .. WELL I CANNOt tell u in the present it’s prbly smth angsty involving his sisters or his lovER but the answer to does it haunt him? yes absolutely he must Suffer :)

How do they cope with confusion (seek clarification, pretend they understand, etc)?it depends on the situation’s levity. if it’s smth important he will absolutely bluntly ask for clarification if it’s smth casual he’ll just nod and pretend like he knows what ur talkin abt bc social anxiety is a b

How do they deal with an itch found in a place they can’t quite reach?Suffer in Silence

What color do they think they look best in? Do they actually look best in that color?he doesn’t rlly think abt this. he likes green tho but he wears a lot of black (that’s partially required by his associations and partially bc idk what other colors exist thanks @ god) he looks best in hmmm red

What animal do they fear most?himSELF 

How do they speak? Is what they say usually thought of on the spot, or do they rehearse it in their mind first?he’s usually fairly forthright so he sounds like he’s saying whatever comes to mind but the reality is he says abt 1% of what he’s thinking and he won’t say things that are quite obviously rude. who knows tbh maybe he gains secret enjoyment from watching ppl squirm under his bluntness eyes emoji

What makes their stomach turn?torture n he hates the sight of bones. blood he can stand but bones? no thanks. unfort in the business they’re in he comes across both of those more than he’d like. he also hates working in the theoretical. it’s unnerving but he’s fine if someone he trusts is wading thru the abstract for him aka thank u @ kent for being the resident intuitive 

Are they easily embarrassed?nah not particularly 

What embarrasses them?if u slap his BUTT in public jkjk i mean that would embarrass him if u caught him by surprise but hmmm he doesn’t like attention if u draw attention to him he’ll freak a lil that would fluster him also excessive praise esp if it’s expressed publicly. he squirms beneath the spotlight

What is their favorite number?19. day of the month he last saw his sisters smiling

If they were asked to explain the difference between romantic and platonic or familial love, how would they do so?he’d prbly say smth deep which i cannot truly replicate but prbly smth like. “familial love is steady. it’s the mountain beneath which u were born. it’s the protection n the stability n the impossible sheer volume of it that can’t quite be comprehended. platonic love is like cords linking u to them. it’s the promise, the assurance of i will pull u up if u fall and if i can’t ill fall w u. it’s a tug o war and an anchor. romantic love is a stallion. it’s the passion and the chance but if u know how to tame it it serves to make u a better man than u could ever become on ur own. it’s the teamwork and the flames”

Why do they get up in the morning? to execute justice and to experience each new precious day he’s been gifted

How does jealousy manifest itself in them (they become possessive, they become aloof, etc)? it’s ugly when jealousy rears its head in him. he doesn’t SAY anything but his actions become more erratic and he has a harder time focusing. it’s likely he’ll become more impulsive. he’s not DANGEROUs per se but it’s not a situation u want him in

How does envy manifest itself in them (they take what they want, they become resentful, etc)? envy he’s better about. mostly bc unlike w jealousy he doesn’t already have the thing. it’s smth he’ll just push down and soldier thru like he does w most uncomfy things in his life

Is sex something that they’re comfortable speaking about? To whom? oh MY GOD DONT TALK ABT SEX that’s SCANDALOUS- the answer is no he finds it unprofessional in his line of work but he would be comfortable discussing it w his s/o

What are their thoughts on marriage? good. he approves. however, for himself he finds the prospect unlikely considering the high risk nature of what he’s involved himself w. he expects to die before 35 in all seriousness

What is their preferred mode of transportation? in the sweet embrace of death horseback

What causes them to feel dread? the knowledge that everything’s falling apart. that fate and circumstance are slowly but surely chipping away at the very foundation of what u live for and there’s absolutely nothing u can do to stop it. also freaking the appearance of the antagonist or his minions

Would they prefer a lie over an unpleasant truth? in theory? no. in practice? he’s actually p sensitive that’s a difficult one to answer. it would greatly depend on the circumstance but in the long run he prefers the truth

Do they usually live up to their own ideals? yes but in his own eyes, no. he holds himself to extremely high standards and is very self critical. also he has rlly unachievable ideals he’s a lil bit idealistic beneath the guise of realism

Who do they most regret meeting? ohohOHO jk i have no idea not there yet in the story but prbly the antagonist he’s a b

Who are they the most glad to have met? funnily enough? he could almost say the antagonist. he’s the reason why eneko’s working as hard as he is for what he is. without the introduction of the antagonist he would’ve been oblivious to the terrible injustice around him and likely ended up a victim by some obscure mindless death order. however the person he truly admires is the rebel member who took him under her wing however she’s still in the works so i can’t give u much on her

Do they have a go-to story in conversation? Or a joke? i don’t think so, no

Could they be considered lazy? NOPE not in any sense of the word. eneko works extremely hard. he’s v dedicated n dutiful

How hard is it for them to shake a sense of guilt? oh, very hard. he’s naturally altruistic so he tends to take failures to heart and internalize them and considering the dangerous line of work he’s in he oftens has guilt building up inside him. he’ll likely carry it w him for the rest of his life once he’s decided to be guilty abt smth. if someone doesn’t help him w it it can break him down in ugly ways

How do they treat the things their friends come to them excited about? Are they supportive? yes!! he’s a pure son. you’ll definitely get a smile out of him if smth good has happened to u. he’s very supportive of his friends. he would die for his friends and likely all of u i just want u all to know this 

Do they actively seek romance, or do they wait for it to fall into their lap?neither. he finds seeking romance irresponsible w his lifestyle. as i previously stated he expects to die young

Do they have a system for remembering names, long lists of numbers, things that need to go in a certain order (like anagrams, putting things to melodies, etc)? he has fairly good memory esp w faces! but otherwise? i would say he learns best by touch. he’s a tactile person and also fairly auditory. music defo helps him remember things

What memory do they revisit the most often? prbly the day he separated from his sisters. it’s not a particularly good memory but it’s seared in his mind

How easy is it for them to ignore flaws in other people? he doesn’t ignore ppl’s flaws per se? he’s p perceptive so it’s difficult for him to just turn a blind eye at least within his own mind but eneko is v tolerant of ppl and accepting. even if he dislikes u it’s doubtful you’ll know he’s fairly good at keeping up the same respect for most everyone he comes in contact w. but yeah? he knows what flaws are there but he will simply accept ppl bc he knows everyone, including himself, esp himself, has many flaws

How sensitive are they to their own flaws?oh oof yeah he’s?? a p sensitive guy so while he recognizes his own faults jabs to his weak spots will hurt him and he’ll prbly sit on the accusation or callout for days esp if someone accuses him of being selfish or immoral or not having done enough for the ppl he cares abt (smth along those lines) he’d absolutely hate that. but if u tell him he’s blunt he’s going to be like im well aware of that

How do they feel about children? he’s SUCH A DAD he loves kids and he’s rlly good w them they love him bc he’s SOFT ok but he doesn’t plan on having them himself even tho he’d like to for the exact same reasons he isn’t pursuing romance/marriage

How badly do they want to reach their end goal? enough that he’d die to reach it

If someone asked them to explain their sexuality, how would they do so?eneko is either demi or grasexual w pan preferences. he’s also panromantic. if someone asked for explanation he’d be like “i’m attracted to people of all genders” and just leave it at that unless ofc they were like RLLY curious or smth but he doesn’t rlly consider himself demi or pan or anything he just knows he isn’t straight LOL

QUESTIONS FOR CREATORS

A) Why are you excited about this character?…strong silent type. that’s all i have to sayB) What inspired you to create them?i’ve taken some inspiration from other characters from shows, etc. i’ve written so he’s a bit of a love child of the best of my musesC) Did you have trouble figuring out where they fit in their own story?im still figuring it out so that’s a probable yesD) Have they always had the same physical appearance, or have you had to edit how they look?he’s been edited a bit there were a few reincarnations of him like at first he had straight black hair in an undercut style but now it’s WAVY and dark brown and he also got darker. id say he’s like latino w a lil african blood this is esp amusing considering i literally created him last nightE) Are they someone you would get along with? Would they get along with you?i think we’d get along alright if we could get past the initial awkwardness bc we’re both kind of crap at interpersonal relationships actually he isn’t that bad it’s mostly me and i THINK he might find me slightly abrasive n energetic (even tho im PLOT TWIST low energy compared to most extroverts) but he’s tolerant it wouldn’t be too badF) What do you feel when you think of your OC (pride, excitement, frustration, etc)?love…. i love my soft boi i usually hate my ocs aka i would slap them if given the chance but eneko? deserves happinessG) What trait of theirs bothers you the most?he is not real in general and non existent in actual writing as of the present. the latter tragedy i will soon solve. in all seriousness it’s prbly his bluntness it has the tendency to give me second hand embarrassmentH) What trait do you admire most?his tolerance and patience i have none loLI) Do you prefer to keep them in their canon universe?for now, yes! i dont have a solid grasp of him so until then he’ll stay where he was BIRTHEDJ) Did you have to manipulate or exclude canon factors to allow them to create their character?not rlly! the entire story he’s in is still in the works so everything’s rlly flexible

[crossdressingdeath]

I know you'll probably disagree with me, but i rlly hate the Cloud recessess ending. It's just....

Those elders killed wwx. The Lans were 100% ready to murder both at Qiongqi path but also at the siege. They see him as the guy who corrupted their precious jade. They all preach righteousness, but the whole madam Lan thing is iffy at best and i do not believe that everyone there fully believes the rules. Hell, i have a special bone to pick with the " do not gossip" rule, seeing as gossip had been the main info route for women in patriarchal societies.

I just don't think that after wwx killed Lans in the siege they'd be all that willing to forgive him and take him in w open arms. The juniors and kids love him, yes, but people who saw the war....

Not to mention the whole " do not speak to WWX " rule. I've seen ppl say it's a joke but it's On The Wall. It's supposed to be followed. Even if it was intended as a joke - which i don't believe - it's very cruel for someone w rejection and trust issues.

I also hate it from a very personal perspective. I see Wwx as ND, and, as an ND myself, all those rules terrify me. From the no running and the proper posture ones, i can pretty well imagine they forbid stimming. The Lan curfew would fuck anyone with insomnia and there's smth deeply ucked up abt the " do not grieve in excess". I get that they're supossed to be a paragon of the best things at all time, and that LJY is very UnLan like, but for someone w anxiety who CAN'T follow those rules, it would be a nightmare.

...Some points:

First, the Lan elders did not kill WWX, nor did they attack him unfairly. They weren’t looking at him as the man who corrupted LWJ, either, or at least that wasn’t their primary concern (I will never forgive CQL for suggesting they were or it was); they were looking at him as a traitor to the sects who was raising an army to destroy them. Remember, that is the information the Lans had. Every source they had except for LWJ (who the people he would have gone to would have known was biased and who presumably everyone knew had recently been in close contact with WWX where he could have been manipulated or enchanted in some way), sources which included multiple sect leaders (one of whom was WWX’s brother) and LXC’s dear friend, swore up and down that WWX was a major threat, and let’s face it, WWX didn’t do much to dissuade people from thinking that! Acting like the Lans were maliciously targeting WWX is doing them something of a disservice, I’d say. They acted based on the knowledge they had available; note how the Lans are the first to offer WWX their help once they’re given reason to believe he may not be a villain! And even aside from that, saying they killed WWX (and not JGS and JGY’s manipulation or JC’s army) feels a bit like scapegoating, honestly. Of the four sects, the Lans are quite possibly the least responsible for WWX’s death. If it would hurt him to live with or around anyone who held any responsibility for his death his only option would be to live as a hermit, which would be far worse for him. And yeah, the Lans aren’t perfectly righteous all the time and some morally dubious things have been done by Lan sect members; they’re human, after all! Some of them will only be as moral as their sect leader demands they be! That doesn’t mean the sect as a whole is bad, especially with LXC, LQR and LWJ in charge. Certainly I’d say they’re still better than the other sects, all things considered. One ambiguous situation that may or may not have involved some members of the previous generation doing some fucked up shit doesn’t mean WWX would for sure be mistreated! 

As for gossip... there’s a difference between sharing information and gossiping. There’s no evidence that the Lan women are blocked from... y’know, freely communicating and sharing information between themselves. We have no reason to believe they are reliant on gossip. Also they presumably go out night hunting just like the men? Men and women are kept separate in the Cloud Recesses, but I get the sense that that’s more like... school stuff than anything else. The women aren’t exactly locked up, they can be cultivators! The society is still sexist, but that doesn’t mean they’re kept from going out and doing things. And I need to make this clear: there is a fair chance that the rule against gossip saved LWJ’s life, because it kept word of him defending WWX from the sects from spreading to people who would not be willing to let bygones be bygones. Gossip sucks! It hurts people! A lot of this story (and more to the point the suffering of the characters within the story) happens because of gossip! The Lans banning gossip is pretty clearly supposed to be a good thing, I’d say.

And yeah, maybe after WWX killed a bunch of their sect the Lans wouldn’t accept him with open arms as if nothing ever happened! And that’s fair! I can’t imagine where WWX could go where that wouldn’t be the case, unless he and LWJ chose to abandon the cultivation world forever. But you know what else the Lans won’t do? Try to execute him. Or from what we see in the extras even dwell on the past that much. No, the Lans aren’t going to immediately forgive WWX and bring him into the fold without a moment’s hesitation, but you know what? They accept his marriage to LWJ! They let him supervise the juniors on night hunts! They consider him part of their sect! Honestly, that is all WWX can really ask and far more than he’d get from any other sect. There are consequences for what WWX did, even though he wasn’t the villain or necessarily trying to hurt anyone, and frankly people not being entirely comfortable with his presence is very much reasonable.

The “do not speak to WWX” rule may not be a joke, but it’s also pretty clearly not a serious rule. No one takes it seriously. The juniors (the only people WWX really talks to anyway aside from LXC and LWJ) only pay it the minimum lip service of talking to him off the path. WWX himself sure as hell doesn’t care! He clearly finds it pretty damn funny. And I don’t think a guy who has never liked him once again proving he does not like him (in a way that is clearly temporary given how later LQR invites WWX to the Lan family banquet with... reasonable amounts of grace, thereby implicitly accepting him as LWJ’s husband and therefore his own family by marriage) counts as a rejection or a breach of WWX’s trust? Like, LQR has literally always hated WWX. He isn’t preventing WWX and LWJ from spending time together or shutting WWX out of the Cloud Recesses or even making a concentrated effort to keep people from talking to him; he’s venting his frustrations, but if he really intended to block WWX from taking part in life in the Cloud Recesses he would’ve done a hell of a lot more than just make a rule who no one WWX likes follows anyway. It’s a temper tantrum, that’s all, and clearly that’s what WWX takes it as. I mean, if nothing else you can’t ban people from talking to the sect heir’s spouse indefinitely. That’s just not sustainable.

As for the rules... banning people from running in the Cloud Recesses and demanding proper posture during lessons doesn’t suggest to me that they wouldn’t allow stimming? ‘No running’ at least is a common rule... most places. It’s distracting, and can be dangerous. And the rule about sitting properly doesn’t mean “Don’t move at all ever”; it means... well, “sit properly”. Don’t slouch or sprawl across the floor. I see no reason why that wouldn’t preclude means of stimming that wouldn’t be disruptive (and given this is in a classroom environment “not disruptive” is kind of important). I mean, those rules certainly don’t suggest that they’re any worse than other sects, and given this is the sect that has magic music for calming people’s minds if any sect would give allowances for neurodivergence it would be this one. Also I wouldn’t be surprised if there was a song to put people to sleep, or medication that can help; this is a world with magic, after all, and if there’s a song that can put spirits to rest there are probably songs for human medicine and care. And of course there’s an element of conflicting needs; maybe the rules would screw you over, but frankly firmly enforced rules keeping people from running around or sprawling out of their seats would’ve been a godsend for me in school, given how much trouble I had focusing with people making noise around me. At the end of the day, is it guaranteed that the Lans would make allowances for people with needs that conflict with the Lan rules? No. But I’d argue it’s more likely that they would than any other sect. This is ahistorical fantasy ancient China, too; you can only expect so much in the mental health department. Still, a sect that literally invented magic music for calming the mind actually seems like the best choice for people with anxiety and such. There’s a reason why there are multiple fics that essentially set the Lans up as mental health experts in the setting!

Basically, a lot of your arguments seem to be issues that WWX would have in any sect. Unless he wanted to give up on the support of a sect altogether, they’re all things that he would have to work through or come to terms with. And of course... the most important point is that WWX is happy in the Lan sect. The extras make that clear. He has a home, duties that he enjoys performing, the love of his family and the support of his sect. He’s happy. I just... I do not understand why people keep feeling the need to try to make it angsty when the novel makes it clear that he genuinely enjoys his life in Gusu, and more than that that if he ever decided he didn’t enjoy it he could leave at any time. You have to remember that: if WWX wanted to leave... he would. He and LWJ would just go, and only come back occasionally so that LWJ could visit his home. Hell, LWJ would insist on leaving for WWX’s sake. So like... the Lan sect wouldn’t suit everyone, but WWX is quite content there and doesn’t want to leave. He’s happy and free to come and go as he wishes; there really isn’t anything to be concerned about there.

[goldenscript]

neighbor!jennie

author’s note: this is in the same universe as neighbor!monsta x <3

the friend crush (turned actual crush) candidate neighbor

in other words, she’s that girl you’re dying to befriend and to get to know and all that wonder stuff

she’s pretty, sweet from what you can see in your comfortable nook beside her home, and she definitely sounds like a blast to be around

minus the times where you can practically hear her and her screeching at each other for only god knows what

last you remembered it was over the last eggo waffle but you’re not gonna judge bc waffles are pretty damn good

you know she’s also a very attentive roommate to her roomie considering she’s always buying groceries and staying up to wait for her roomie too

which also brings up the mention that the walls between the apartment spaces are so damn thin, you can literally hear everything so it’s no brainer than you’ve learned all these things abt jennie by observation than actual talking

ofc you’d love to talk to her!!! you’ve been dying to for so damn long that it actually feels painful whenever you see chances to bc you don’t take them

like

at

all

your friend taehyung’s been nagging you to do it and even your roommate jiwoo who’s been nothing but an observer of you observing jennie and to say the least the two of them just want you to come out of your shell just to say hey bc that doesn’t hurt

right?

well it doesn’t but it does hurt ur pride when jiwoo purposefully locks you out of the apartment for reasons unbeknownst to you (lmao lbr u kno why but ur in denial bC YOUR ROOMIE WOULDN’T DO THT TO U RIGHT?????,,,,,,,,,,,,,)

absolutely, postively incorrect

bc she does and ur stuck in the hallway wondering if she’s actually asleep or if she’s punking you bc you forgot milk tht one time sophomore year (mind you, y’all are third years rn n you rlly wouldn’t b surprised if jiwoo did that ‘cuz of milk tbh she’s that typa person)

and you’re abt to call taehyung and ask if you can stay at his place when you hear a voice that isn’t warbled from a thin wall and is actually directed at u

“ummmm,,, are u ok?”

you actually fumble with ur phone and that causes her to giggle and wow it just sounds so freakin’ nice but holy shit is she really talking to you rn??? is that really happening???????

you’re absolutely baffled but u manage to nod and tell her that your roommate locked u out and she actually pouts on ur behalf and ur actually starstruck a lil’

it’s one thing to hear and observe these actions from jennie but it’s a complete game changer when she’s performing such actions,,,in front,,, of you,,,, and ,,,, for,,, u,,,,,,,,,,,,, FOR YOU

all u can focus on is ur heart pounding incessantly and u swear it’s ur nerves bc hey friend crushes can still make u nervous y’know n ur so engrossed in this tht u don’t even notice that jennie’s grabbed a hold of ur hand and is leading u back to her place

aND UR BRAIIN IS SUDDENLY LIKE !!! bc holy fuck is that really happening???

you squeak out a ,,, “what”

and she just giggles at you n says “it’s no biggie, my roomie’s out with her bf n i can’t just leave a pretty face like yours out! someone might snatch u y’know??”

“t-thank u,,,,”

“jennie” she smiles tho u kno her name n u kno it well tht it actually makes u super happy that she even knows urs bc after u say it she just grins at u and says “i know”

and basically at her apartment, u see how neat and nice it is with all the black and pink decor on her end w/ roses n these really gnarly looking motorcycles tht she winks at u abt bc her baby’s still in the shop rn and she even offers to take u on a joyride somewhere bc you’ve never once been on a motorcycle but u wouldn’t mind going on one

it’s a first for her but it actually makes her light up to see someone showing interest in something that she adores!!!

u eventually find out tht next to motorcycles she actually rlly loves event planning n that’s why she’s doing communications as a major bc one day she’d like to be in her own pr firm n showcase new and vibrant things that’ll benefit others bc next tht she loves helping others so if what she does can helps others then she’ll feel fulfilled in life

it explains a lot considering she’s always helping people,,, like always

from making sure her roomie’s fed to volunteering at homeless shelters to even tutoring young children, she’s even trying to get into a peer mentor program at the local middle school (a lot of it happens at different times in the year but she has no issues with any of it bc it makes her happy)

srsly she works to the point of overwork and even her roomie has to drag her out by the ear just to get the girl to relax

and evidently this is one of those days where she is relaxing (by helping u lolol) but also she rlly appreciates the attention and attentiveness you’re showing her bc you love listening to her talk and explain what certain things are and it makes her so so so so happy ok

at first it’s miniscule things that make her happy from those little hang outs you two will do now that the ice has been broken to even the times you’ll actually accompany her to a few of her volunteering tasks and she’s so certain she’s found a great new friend, a wonderful friend even tho u can honestly say that the friend crush has become more bc holy shit ??? jennie’s amazing how could u not see her as something more y’know?

and even tho ur certain she doesn’t feel the same and jiwoo calls bullshit like every chance she gets with u, the ultimate game changer happens,,, The Sludge

so two doors down are Changkyun and Jooheon, the resident rappers who have had the notoriety of suffering from the horrific gross substance tht no one can rlly label to a T but to say the least it’s Terrible and Nasty and just N O

so even tho those two were struck with it bc of their lack of pay in the water bills, that gross stuff is just traveling all around the floor - even kihyun and hyunwoo and other residents have suffered thru it so on a very unfortunate day it struck jennie and her roomie’s

fortunately her roomie got a place with changkyun meanwhile jennie was kinda left without,,,, n on tht day u actually see her outside of ur apartment door looking v torn n ur like “jennie???”

her eyes go wide and she manages a wave n u ask what happened n she just deadpans n says “The Sludge” so you understand

and instead of waiting for her to ask bc you kno a part of her wants to but the other part that hates being a burden is lingering so you just invite her to stay n u give jiwoo a heads up and tht blonde roomie of urs is like “w/e she’s staying in ur room”

which she does cuz u force her to bc it won’t hurt u to stay on the couch esp when there’s a guest

she’s pretty begrudging abt it but she manages to deal n she actually enjoys the way you’ve decorated everything and notes just how nice it all is and ngl but she doesn’t miss the photo of u n her on ur bulletin board of ppl you care abt n it makes her feels so warm and touched,,,, it’s like the first instance of her becoming certain of her feelings for u

it’s all small ofc but the more she stays with u, the more ur on her mind n the more she enjoys her times at ur place (which ur loving btw bc she’s a wonderful roommate who will help cook n does grocery shopping bc the damn Sludge is still infesting their apartment)

she does what she can to help and jiwoo loves it and you love having her around so much

in this close proximity you’re able to really see those little things abt jennie like how she loves milk ice cream, how she’s very meticulous in the way things are placed, and how she copes with her stress by organizing even if it can be a bit of an issue

like lisa and jisoo have had their entire desktops cleaned n organized to an utter t after jennie’s done with it (jisoo: “there’s srsly never a simple sleepover with her man”)

but for some reason, she won’t do that to your stuff? like ok she doesn’t organize stuff just cuz she wants t disrespect the owner; most of the time it’s ‘cuz they gave her permission but with you??? she’s not sure and she hasn’t asked

it’s different cuz with her friends they let anyone touch their stuff

but you?? she doesn’t wanna just be anyone to you anymore

she wants to go on motorcycles rides with you and take you to her favorite beach when everything’s too much

she wants to take care of you and show you how much she cares and how much she loves those little things abt u even if u hate those beauty marks and “blemishes” and all that other stuff

she wants to hear you talk about ur favorite book and why then watch the movies to talk abt how lame they were or how you loved a movie and why

she just wants to do anything and everything with you and it’s really just eating at her bc this isn’t another event to plan or really something she can just organize away

hell she can’t even ride her motorcycle away bc all she can think abt is the way you practically lit up when she offered to give u a ride n she decides to just take a risk and stop you after one of your classes

you’re a little confused but you go with it bc she seems pretty distracted by something n u need a break from stats anyway so when she hands u her helmet u take it and watch her put on her space

she tells u to hold on and u do for dear life even if ur screaming at ur heart to shut up bc this is the first time you’ve been this close to her and it makes u tighten ur grip bc you dont want her to disappear

funnily enough, she doesn’t want u to either and she just relishes in ur touch

and so you both wind up at that beach and it’s so beautiful n ur in awe bc holy fuck tht ride was amazing and this,,, T H I S is amazing!!!!

she finds you so adorable and she’s just like “yeah,,, yeah this is.....”

n you look at her in confusion, sitting beside her on the shore even if the cool sand clings to ur legs, “what’s wrong? you seem off lately?”

and she shrugs, looking torn once again bc she’s thinking back to how you accepted her in, always offered a hand to her whenever she needed it whether it was helping her carry a box of event programs or even tutoring her in a class, like,,,, she never realized how much she enjoyed you taking care of her bc she’s constantly taking care of others

so she just blurts out “i like you” she goes for it bc why the hell not??? it’s better to get an answer this way

you’re shocked ofc but eventually you’re like “fuck, me too”

bc having her there? so goddamn close???? those feelings really bloomed and it’s silly and cliche but you can’t help but smile and say “jennie i like you too”

and lemme tell ya rn, she couldn’t be happier,,,,even when you both later find out that the Sludge was fixed nearly two weeks ago bc her roomie promised she’d get her back ,,,,, she just brings u close into her arms and u two watch the waves in ease and in this nice mutual satisfaction and rlly that’s all you both could ever ask for~

[magnusburnsidess]

13, 14, 15, 22, and 23 about Mateo plz ❤

Thank u!! Thank u sm I’m glad I woke up to this (sorry I fell asleep before u sent it tho)

13. Their embarrassing memory from years ago

So when Mateo was a kid (maybe 6 or 7), he had this stuffed rhinoceros named Peanut that he absolutely loved. Bc his family was always musical he wrote a little song abt it and his family picked up on it real quick and at the time it wasn’t super embarrassing but they then continued singing the song through his adolescence and it’s embarrassing whenever they bring it up.

14. How they react to burning their tongue on food

Mateo is one of those kinds of ppl who would rather suffer than admit that he did smth stupid like burn his tongue so if he were to he would pretend like he didn’t but he would actually b dying inside. He would probably stop eating the food for a little while tho.

15. How they react to a brain freeze

Kind of along the same lines as burning his tongue, tho if he’s w his friends and he’s not the only one w a brain freeze he would b a lil more open abt it.

22. What they’re like on two hours of sleep

When Mateo he yawns a lot and looks rlly tired but he’s completely functional, like he can do whatever he needs to do (schoolwork, homework, work, etc) as long as it’s only a few nights of sleeping for 2hrs. If it’s more than a few (maybe 2 or 3) nights and he’s not getting enough sleep he just gets so sleepy that it’s inconvenient and he falls asleep at the drop of a hat.

23. How they act when they’re sick

Going along w hating to admit anything is wrong w him, when he gets sick he will pretend that he’s not, even if he’s called out on it. So until he is like vomiting or like passes out (or whatever qualifies for getting to the point where he can’t deny being sick), he will deny it and try to act like he always does. He’s kind of good at it at this point in his life.

Thank u again!! Anyone feel free to ask me abt my ocs✨✨✨

[strawberryspeachy]

Pretty sure I wrote on here how I walk on eggshells around my grandfather and I kinda started feeling bad about not trusting him lately cause he’s been being nice to me

Well like. I still did. But after basically cleaning and barn mixed with what would top the hoarders tv show... finally thinking for the first time in my life I could relax... a couple months later followed by that rug I’ve been fearing being ripped out from under me... in fact being ripped out from under me

I had my first emotionally loud panic attack yesterday. Promptly followed by being told that he doesn’t care if I have any place to leave and telling me that I’m crap.

And yeah. See. That’s exactly why that feeling has never gone away.

I remember one time after college I don’t remember what was happening but I was upset and he was mad at me and I think I flinched or something and he screamed at me “what have I ever done to you?! I’ve never hit you!” And he’s right. He’s never hit. Threatened to? Yes. Grabbed his belt and stormed over at me? Yea. Actually hit me? No.

It’s annoying that that’s the qualifier of abuse. Being hit.

I’ve already bitched about how psychologically my family’s fucked me up. How every time something new happens it teaches me why I react to other things a certain messed up way based on how I was treated in the past. It sucks. It sucked. And it will forever continue to suck.

I bitch on here super long posts because they just go into my endless blog somewhere on the internet. Instead of 100 page document taking up memory on my computer. In attempt to not bother my friends with it. Which I haven’t entirely done this time. I reached out to my friends for help. Instead of that 2 of them are no longer my friends and the rest ignore me.

I can’t kill myself. Nothing painless works. I don’t have the means for the for sure methods. As in like they require a perscription or the perfect weather. Or a contraption that doesn’t exist because. You’re allowed to be homeless. You’re allowed to starve if it’s because you can’t afford food. You’re allowed to be poisoned by chemicals rich companies produce. You’re allowed to suffer. You’re allowed to suffer so much that you die. But don’t you dare pull the trigger yourself. Don’t you dare make something that helps people escape. That’s immoral. That’s instigating. That’s against the law.

The internet is still flipping the fuck out because a tv show implied you’re actions might negatively affect someone’s mind so much that they kill themself. And at the same time mad that a tv show showed the life of a suicide because ill instigate others??? How can you fight with both : don’t blame bullying for suicide./ don’t talk about suicide or else it’ll cause suicide.

I’m all over the place here. It’s whatever. My page is probably gonna be taken down cause tumblrs censoring shit and there’s ppl on YouTube bitching about the same shit as above. Like holly fuck. When ppl say ppl are triggered by everything these days it’s normally about how they can’t tell jokes about different races or gays or whatever else they feel superior to. But like ugh. It is kinda true. God forbid you put your opinion on the internet. Not even on someone’s page. Just there. Just somewhere ppl can find it. Someone disagrees and doesn’t like that it’s there.

Anyway.

Every time bs happens with my family I start to wonder what I would be like if I weren’t brought up in such a toxic environment.

In the past year or so I wonder how my brain has changed when I get mad at someone because. My mother has a nasty habit of getting mad at someone and then attack them personally. Say you knocked her drink over or something. She won’t just get mad that you knocked her drink over and be like what the heck I rlly wanted that - can you get me a new one. No. She’ll tell you how you’re always the most inconsiderate person ever. SHE HATES YOU. YOU RUIN HER LIFE! You fucking bitch what the hell is wrong with you?! Why do you WANT to make her miserable?!?

For YEARS I’ve been getting mad and pointing out. It doesn’t matter if you upset about something. Be upset. Say something. But stop attacking people on a personal level every time you get mad.

A fucking year ago my mom (grandmom) was still doing okish. A year ago I was the only one taking care of my mom and really even giving a fuck..... complaint for another post.

But my mom was destroying the house. She was collecting trash. And breaking things and stealing stuff. It’s what ppl with dementia do. And it got super freaking frustrating to say the least. My mother instead of being like. You’re ripped up my sandwitch. Not cool! ——— instead would scream the same things I wrote above at my mom and tell her how she was the worst parent ever and how she’s always been doing these things to ruin her life and how she’s so stupid for every decision she’s ever made ect ect ect

Keep in mind. My mom had 3 kids who she took care of. Maybe not the best parent. But a good and loving parent. And then she took care of me becauseeeee my mother decided I was only good as a get out of jail card and opted to be a coke addict hanging out with actual criminals till I was ending high school.

So many times I told her she needs to stop talking to mom like that. She needs to stop talking to me like what. How would she feel if every time someone got mad at her they called her a fucking bitch and brought up everything that’s ever bugged them about her and called her scum for it. She swore ppl already did that. So I started doing it to her. For the first few months she just got extra mad. Even though I pointed out that’s exactly what she always did to us. Isn’t this worse than just being upset about something.

Did she change. No. She just doubled down on it. And now I just react to her in the same way she treats me.

How this started is lost on everyone in my family. It’s just more “she she’s exactly like her mother” cause even though I was a super good kid. I was always just like my mother to the rest of my family.

And to pull this back. I don’t rlly get to see anyone. I’m stuck here. I have no money. Basically no friends. Nothing. And I’ve begun to wonder. When I think about ppl when I’m upset with them. Has just this year of personally attacking someone to match their tone taken its toll on how I react?

It honestly doesn’t even matter at this point. I feel like I should realize that lonely kid I was making up things to play in the backyard is all I’ll ever be. Those dreams of actually being part of something. Having ppl who care about me for me. That’s not gonna happen.

I was looking for a recipe I sent my aunt in the beginning of college. I found it in our fb messages but not before scrolling through the copy pastes from that demon roommate I had that year.... I consciously was nothing but nice to that girl. I talked to her when she talked to me and didn’t intrude on her when she didn’t talk to me. I was positive. I invited her when I went places. I introduced her to the ppl I talked to. I didn’t say anything when she broke my stuff or woke me up or had her bf and sister over every weekend. ONE TIME while I’m sleeping and she starts having sex in the bunk above me for the 4th time I say outloud pls stop... then follow that up later alone with an apology and tell her to just ask me to give her private time. She she committed herself to trying to turn all my friends against me. Getting my crush to stop talking to me. Turning my entire floor against me. Telling my ra that I made her uncomfortable to be in the room and yelled at her and several other things I’ve repressed from that convo with my ra while I was in shock that she said so many mean things about me and I never even knew she hated me. Wondering what did I do? I guess I heard it in the ways that she complained that I looked good in jeans. I guess I heard it in the way she got mad that her bf wanted to watch the tv show I head headphones in for and asked if I could take them out so he could watch too when she wanted him to do something. I guess it was in the way that when she met my friends she immediately spoke in just Korean till they asked her to speak in English since I couldn’t understand. I guess i should have known when she got mad at me for not being as resentful toward my family as she was toward hers at the time. I guess I should have known when she would look at me sometimes and I’d wonder why the look felt like she hated me. Cause she did. I’m dumb and didn’t know and I continued trying so hard to be overly nice and considerate toward someone who wasn’t satisfied targeting the ppl around me. But instead wanted everyone on fb to know how absolutely terrible and awful I was.

And I still hate her. And she’s in the back of my mind every time I think about what happens when I’m nice. But reading those. It hurt all over again.

[emptybtw]

I'm kinda crushing on Katie McGrath aesthetically??? BC like I don't rlly feel much and like I srsly ace rn af but I love looking at her and I still can't believe that someone can look so good? Perfect jawline, perfect brows, just perfect and like she also has a cute Irish accent? I'm watching Merlin just to look at her, the show is kinda good I'd give it 7/8 out of 10, I love Morgana, she's so perf. I once drawn Lena Luthor, I had to capture this perfect jawline somehow, I know I can draw and if I practice it, I'll be really good at it, like holy shit and idk one day I might be able to capture Katie's perfection in a way that will fully satisfy me. I guess I just want sth to keep me from being bored all the time. Because I do experience pleasure in a way like I enjoy some things but still feels bland, like it's not enough. The only things that satisfy me yet are fanfics, sometimes TV shows. And food. I feel pretty bored by everything else. And I can't connect emotionally to anything. It's stable but it's boring like I'm just in some state of inertia. I wish I could enjoy things more. I wish I could connect with ppl as easily as I used to. And that I'd text them and want to text them more and that I'd want to meet ppl again. It's like there's a barrier between me and the world, I managed to cross it maybe 3 times since the last time I've felt content which is almost 2 years actually. I haven't felt content, satisfied and happy in 2 years. It's like I wasted it by not living fully and making myself happy. I feel like a living zombie in a way. I feel like I wanna cut out from the world. I know if I left, I'd only miss my family and my dog. And it hurts me and feels me with guilt that I don't care about others. Bc there are who truly care about me and love me but I can't feel anything. I wish I connected with someone and cared for them. I wish I cared for my friends. I have no one to tell it to. If I say it to my friends, I'll hurt them. I don't want to hurt them, they're good ppl, they don't deserve it. I even feel that I act cold with my parents and my sister. I only don't act fully cold with my dog bc she's like my own baby. I guess I could talk to a psychologist about it but I don't have energy and money for it. Maybe money aren't the problem but I don't rlly want to be a burden. To my parents and to my friends. I don't feel like I have a purpose. Sometimes I feel like my feelings want to come out to the surface and other times I feel like I have none. Sometimes I think "is it how depressed ppl feel like? What is going on with me? I never was asexual so why don't I have a drive now?". I'm doing things so that I won't get in trouble. So that I'll have peace and no problems. I study to pass not to learn. This is one of my most depressing thoughts probably. I seem happy but I'm not truly happy. I'm just empty. Maybe a little sad. But I don't know if I truly am or if I'm forcing these feelings outside. I'm just numb and indifferent about everything. Idk why. I want to know why. In a way I hate feelings, they're so messy. Annoying. They hurt. In another way they give your life purpose and push you to do act. They keep you satisfied and happy. Living without feelings is as if being a living dead. My friend has depression. She's sad when she's alone. When I'm alone, I'm just calm. Indifferent and numb. Bored. Unsatisfied. I crave recognition. I daydream. A lot. But idk what I want. Idk what I want to do. Idk what I am. Or who I am. At least I'm not sad but I'm not happy either. Psychological health is not state of an absence of an illness. It's also a state of well-being and satisfaction with occasional crisis. It's normal. But I'm not normal. I curious - is it what growing up is for? For losing touch with your feelings? Should I feel this way? Do others feel this way too? Idk meh now I'm just hungry. I don't belong anywhere. I don't belong here. I guess I have an existential crisis. Erikson said that you need to overcome them positively in order to grow and to have satisfying life. My growth should be towards love while I drift towards isolation. Interesting - how many adults similar to me is out there? Maybe I could talk with them? Is there someone who has overcome it? Would love some advice I guess. Where should I turn to for purpose. I was seeking love and relationships. However after my heart srsly broke I could never find myself truly fascinated by others. I was in one relationship, I grew bored of it, bc I didn't love the person I kinda was with, I cared about the attention she's been giving me. That's sth Ive always yearned for. I want attention, recognition. I want to be appreciated. I wanted to be liked, to impress others. My whole life I secretly cared what others thought of me. I still do. It drives everything I do. But what do i truly care about? Idk. I wish I knew. I wish I stopped looking for the attention. That what I had with myself would be enough. I want to connect with others, I want to stop feeling the need for attention. I want to find my purpose whereever it shall lay. I want to be myself, fully. I want have success that will please me. And only me. Not caring about what others think. Is acting the answer? Idk. It's just another way to get attention. The only thing I ever liked was creating. Why did I like writing? I loved the feedback, I lived for it. I also liked to get my thoughts on paper, I liked to express myself. I loved drawing. It was so fun. I loved writing poems, it helped me to cope with suffering by creating sth beautiful. Now I live by escaping. I'm escaping real world. Scared of obligations and taking responsibility for my life. I'm scared of adulting. It's a change, it's new. It feels like too much. It feels like I can't get a hold with it. I won't manage doing it. I'm scared of the consequences. I'm scared of wasting my life. I'm scared of becoming my dad. He doesn't seem fully happy or satisfied. He's unappreciated. By me. By my sister. He's annoying. We see him as such. What if I become annoying? What if I'll be the person who makes others relieved by not being with them in the same room? I have this problem deeply rooted. There's actually a lot of problems. I want a therapy but how do I find competent therapist? What if I'll only waste my money? I don't like wasting money and time. But I do it. I do it a lot. And I'm hungry, gonna eat sth.