#i have had a uti all week and it has been a nightmare getting antibiotics for it!

[shinysteph]

Cannot sleep because kidneys hurt so bad!!!

[pi3ce0fme4t]

t///w : s3xual abvse, substance abvse, severe trauma, csa? maybe technically i was a minor for all of it.

i just want him to d!3 quite frankly. how the fuck do you get away with r*ping so many people multiple times? why are we all so terrified to go to the police and maybe just maybe get justice.

it took me A YEAR to finally tell someone what you actually did to me, what actually happened during sex and they said dude that is r*pe. it was some of the most excruciatingly painful information i had to finally process and accept. looking back , obviously it’s r*pe when someone says ‘ please stop doing that it hurts me i don’t like it’ and they say ‘ i don’t care i like it’ and then continue to do it. something along those lines happened more than once with my ex. after awhile you just fucking give up. during that relationship i was abvsing my adhd meds and i did like tiny amounts of c0ke along with drinking occasionally and taking sm rips everyday and vaping and whatever else i could get my hands on really. i was high on two or three diff things everyday , and switching it up everyday some weeks. i was doing all of that to cope with so much trauma already + bpd n cptsd n a bunch of other shit while actively being abvsed. i’d like to say that after we broke that was the end of it but nah. it just got worse and worse. d34th thre4ts, thr34ts of harm, transphobia. he harassed me for months after i broke up with him and posted ab me. even when i wasn’t also harassing him a little bit telling him he was horrible bc he also emotionally abvsed me and i recognized that and i just couldn’t let it go. he’s also a l0ser and it made me feel better to make fun of him. almost a year after we broke up i made the mistake of trying to f him again idk why. he ended up SAing me for revenge for cheating on him n another ex apparently even tho that ex hated him and b34t him up for doing that to me. i’d also like to state that he literally cheated on me way more than the one time i kind of did ??? i also had constant utis and i pissed blood clots twice ! it took 3 rounds of antibiotics to find a good one , a strong enough one to fix it. everyone else that’s been with him has also gotten a uti or something or other or suspect it. he cheats on everyone, he gives people stis bc he refuses to wear a condom and will just r*pe you if you refuse to do it without one or he will coerce you. he violently assaulted me and i was too ashamed and afraid to go to the police. instead i went back to school. i called one of my besties at the time and told them what happened bc i wasnt even sure at first if he had assaulted me. even tho i said stop three different times, and i was very afraid and he hurt me. i was already afraid bc he started choking me while kissing me and was very aggressive and i told him to stop and he did and then he did what he did. and then later through text he said he didn’t hear me say stop even tho during he said again ‘ but i like it’ basically. ( actually he fucking said ‘ but i like head pushing then shoved my head onto his dick again for the second time ! ) it makes me feel physically ill. i couldn’t sleep in my own bed slot of night after it first happened. or i didn’t want to leave it because it was the only place that was safe but it was also so unsafe bc i just would have flashbacks of shit that happened and just not sleep bc i was terrified of nightmares.

a few months later is when i started to find other victims. i reached out to his most recent h ex at the time and she told me terrible things that are not my business to share at all. at the time i had gotten into a weird sexual relationship with a guy and he had sa’d me three times and then continued to essentially abvse me online thru video n text under the guise of fwb and kink ( he’s also a fucking ch!ld m0lestor but i didn’t now that until it was way too late. ) finding out all of that plus going through all of that and THEN EVEN MORE STUFF HAPPENING caused me to spiral and start drinking really bad so i could cope and also not have lots of graphic memories of all of it. it was truly the worst time in my life. and truly this isn’t even a 1/5th of the whole story. the whole domino effect of december 8th, 2018. since even before that day but that was truly the start, i have been through so much s3xual trauma. it is unbelievable and hard to cope with everyday. today i am thinking about number 4 ? ig yeah. or at least rn. and i’m thinking ab number 5 bc everyday for the next month and the last month have been basically trauma anniversaries bc of him last yr. but tbh so many days are trauma anniversaries when u have cptsd and have been abvsed sm. i wish nobody ever laid their hands on me. i wish they listened to no or stop. i wish they listened to the law. i wish they hadn’t pushed their fantasies on me. i wish he didn’t fucking fuck me when i was blacked out and A FUCKING 14-15 YER OLD. i wish none of it ever happened.

[the-duckless-pond]

My best friend has been radio silent for a while and I thought she might respond when I told her that Boo was sick but she didn’t and that’s okay and I’ll keep updating her on Boo’s health but I super need to vent and I have literally no other friends to talk to and am very alone because I would talk to my mother but whenever I try she just tells me she has too much info in her brain and can’t hear me. So. Yeah. I’m dealing with this absolutely alone. And I’m stressed as fuck.

Last Friday the 16th Miss Boo was diagnosed with probably stage 2 Chronic Kidney Disease (CKD). It is terminal. There is no cure. But there is treatment, so that’s good. She could have months or even many many years left. There’s no way of knowing. I am trying to prepare for months but I am hoping for years.

She is on a diet now, Hill’s Prescription Kidney Care both wet and dry. Wet at specific time and dry for free feeding. Although as of today there is a strike or a protest or something because neither Boo nor Callie want to eat their wet food. I got so frustrated that I cried. Boo has lost an alarming amount of weight since April. Almost an entire pound. I need to get calories into this cat SOMEHOW. And I like to include Callie because I love her and want her to feel good and loved. So I tried the wet food today. Nothing. I tried mixing in their old wet foods. Nope. I tried CatSip. Nope. I tried their favorite treats. Nope. I tried homemade chicken broth. Nope. I tried turkey broth. Nope. They are just refusing. And I got so upset and frustrated and hopeless feeling that I collapsed on the floor very dramatically and cried because I don’t want my cat to waste away and I need Callie to eat her senior food because she is older too and it will help her. But they just refused everything. They are still snacking on the kibble so at least there is that, but hydration is a problem in CKD and I need Boo to be eating wet food. So I sobbed about it because it was just too much after the day I’ve had.

Jumping back to the lead in to the sobbing, when Boo had her blood work and urinalysis last week they found cocci bacteria in her urine but no blood cells so they assumed it was a contaminated sample. Which is dumb because it was taken directly from her bladder with a needle so like… how. But. Whatever. I talked to the vet and she assured me it was fine. It was not fine. I went on my support group and shared her test results and others noticed the cocci as well, and urged me to look into the symptoms of UTIs as they can be common in CKD cats. So I did, for hours I did. And then I spent the next 24 hours watching her. She was drinking more and urinating more than normal and in small amounts. And I found out that she even went outside the box twice - a first in all our thirteen years together. All signs pointed to a UTI.

So I made the soonest appointment I could get, which was next Tuesday. And then I panicked and watched her like a hawk and checked her urine for blood because these things can turn into kidney infections if left untreated which can speed up the progression of CKD and lead to crashing. So basically the nightmare. I spent hours panicking and debating on whether or not to take her to the kitty ER down the road. It was awful. And so very stressful. And I didn’t have any of my as needed anxiety meds.

Fortunately the vet contacted me this morning, literally right as I had decided to take her to the ER, and told me that given the symptoms I listed when making the Tuesday appointment they were concerned it was a UTI. I felt so vindicated! I was right! They wanted to start her on a trial of antibiotics and then check in four days after the course was complete, in roughly two weeks, to do another urinalysis and look for bacteria. If they are present then we will do another round of antibiotics.

God, that was such a relief. I was dreading hearing her crying out while urinating or something or finding blood in the box. Dreaded. It was stressing me the fuck out to the point where I had trouble sleeping. I even overnighted some puppy pee pads to place around the litter boxes in the spots she has been going so that I could know if there was blood in her urine (and also to protect my carpets but much less so).

Anyway, as soon as the medicine was ready I picked it up and took it home and read the instructions. This is my first time medicating a cat so I was, and am, feeling overwhelmed as fuck. I emailed the doctor a bunch of questions about how to give it to her and basically I could mix it into anything I wanted as long as I made sure she consumed the entire dose.

I chose CatSip, because that is her favorite treat (that is getting daily because any calories are good calories). I made a bowl for Callie too so that she wouldn’t feel left out. The antibiotic liquid is a creamy white just like the treat so I needed to separate the bowls so that I didn’t get them confused. So I set Callie’s bowl down and mixed the medicine into Boo’s and called her over. She didn’t come.

Where was she? Drinking Callie’s snack. Sigh. It was all gone, too. I apologized to Callie and told her she would need to wait just a little longer. I picked up Boo and took her and her medicine snack to the bedroom and closed the door. Thus began thirty minutes of trying to get her to finish it because she had already had some and didn’t want anymore. Ugh. So, that was stressful. She finally did finish it, and according to the website it starts working within two hours but I might not notice changes or her feeling better for a day or two. I choose to believe that she is starting to feel better already.

We left the bedroom and Callie finally got her snack. Boo tried to steal it again (naughty girl!!!) but I redirected her and Callie was able to have the entire serving.

Then everyone was happy and I felt better because Boo had medicine in her and that was an improvement over prior. They both napped in the living room with me while I read the news.

And then I realized boo’s next dose would be at 2:30am. And school starts in just a few days and I’m trying to fix my sleep schedule. And I got stressed all over again because what am I supposed to do? Just go to bed like normal and hope she doesn’t suffer overnight? Stay up to give her the medicine and hope it doesn’t fuck up my sleep schedule too much? How am I supposed to do this alone? Stress increasing by the second.

I decided to stay up until 2:30am to give her the medicine. And then tomorrow she won’t get her next dose until about 5pm. I am going to increase it by just over 2 hours, which is according to what I read online in articles, an acceptable grace period. Then I’ll wake up at 5am the next day, and her following dose won’t be until 7pm. Then, finally, we will be on a 7am and 7pm schedule. That gives me like 2 days to fully fix my sleep schedule which is only going to add to my stress levels but I honestly don’t know what else to do and I am so fucking tired

I haven’t been sleeping well at all. Ever since we got back from the vet last week, she hasn’t slept in bed with me. And this cat has not missed a single night in 13 years until now. I have gone to sleep with Boo snoring on my pillow since I was 17 years old. So you can imagine how poorly I am sleeping with silence. And how fucking lonely it all is without her. She sometimes comes to check on me but she never stays. Most nights I cry myself to sleep from missing her so much. It’s awful. I started having to put on podcasts to be able to fall asleep because Callie doesn’t snore. She started sleeping in the tower beside the bed so I’m not like alone alone but it’s not the same. She doesn’t snore and she’s not on my pillow where I can hold her little paw and whisper how much I love her. And meanwhile Boo is in her tower in the living room so far away from us and me and the walls in the new apartment are really good and I can’t hear her snoring through the wall. I can’t hear it at all. And it all makes me so fucking sad that I can’t help but cry.

And I know she is t feeling well and she is doing what she needs to do and I respect that and won’t disturb her but I miss my baby. I miss normal bed routine. I miss when she wasn’t nauseous in the mornings. I don’t have anything to help with that yet so she just has to deal with it. My poor girl. I just want to help her feel better. I guess at least I can do something about the UTI and keep giving her her antibiotics in the CatSip. That worked really well. I’ll just have to separate her from Callie before and after and Callie will have to wait until we are done to have hers. Sorry baby. I am doing my best but there is only one of me.

Everyone is resting but me now. It is almost 10pm. Four and a half ish hours to go. I am planning on either reading or watching a show. I might take a bubble bath. I might try to make muffins because they sound so soothing and nice and I sure could use something soothing right now I am so fucking stressed and overwhelmed and out of my depth.

Or maybe I’ll pass the time reading nonsense and pretending that it makes me feel better. I did that last time I couldn’t sleep and it kind of helped.

I keep wanting to work on my story but honestly how am I supposed to think like this? With all this on my plate? I have no clue how to do it. And school is starting soon, too. Gah. More things to enter my brain and distract me. And I’ll have to actually focus on that. Learn. Absorb. Ugh. I’m not ready.

It’s a lot. A lot a lot. I have a good vet and I have a good therapist but I really wish I had a friend right now. That’s all I really want right now. A friend to listen. Just so that I don’t feel quite as alone dealing with all this.

It doesn’t matter does it. Not like people actually care about me these days. It hasn’t felt like anyone has given a damn about me in a long time. I guess I just have to live with that.

[seven-oomen]

Hi, Ben!  Hope you had a good day, and are finally getting some rest!  So, did you know there are sites that let you design your own ugly Christmas sweaters?  May I present the one that Peter’s husbands get him for a party?  Except then the jokes on them because he won’t stop wearing it EVERYWHERE (at least I hope the image shows?  It saved in a different format on the site I used for this.)  Also, if you were ever to actually make a shirt of it, I would suggest an image from the reaction GIF you used for the alignment/meta anon.  Because, my god, that smirk.  XD  (Also, they are totally right.  And it is hilarious to me that the two officers of the law are firmly [and accurately] on the neutral side of that axis.  XD )

And I’m still screaming over that latest preview.  He just wants cuddles and ear scritches, Noah!  The saliva will dry, he’s just showing his appreciation for your support.  XD  And oh, yeah I knew he would eventually get better, it was more me trying to decide how quickly I was hoping for it to happen.  My “I want it asap because I hate seeing them in pain” side was warring with my “but nightmare creature cuddles would be adorbs, tho?” side (and they are).  :D  Also, terrible thought brought on by working at my job too long: since I don’t think that form has a tail like a wolf (I don’t really remember noticing one, at least?), do you think that since he can’t wag, he starts doing the wiggle-butt thing like boxers and pits tend to do?  (sorry, the thought occurred to me and I couldn’t make it stop.  XD )

Also, how dare you put the image of Noah and Chris cuddling in the window seat watching the snow fall while the listen to Peter singing ‘Hallelujah’ as he finishes the dishes, in my head?  Or them sitting at the table having coffee and joining him for the choruses?  Or Chris singing along with Tony Bennett or Harry Connick Jr on the local Christmas station?  Or Noah singing along with Chris Cornell’s version of Ave Maria (or doing a damn good impression at least [song is available on Spotify, btw, if you’ve not heard it])?  My body was not meant to hold this level of feral screaming, dude.  XD

For the undecided alignment (that don’t involve spoilers), I would vote LN for Danny and CG for John.  No specific reasons, that’s just what feels right at the moment.  And I’m curious if Noah and the kids have been in the vault at all, because Malia would be able to access it.

And, yes, I am all for mutual body positivity support among the boys.  I remember watching some BTS thing a few years back, and Linden said something about how everyone was “running around without their shirts on, and I just feel kinda old and jiggly”, and my very first thought was “Oh, please.  You may not be I’ve-had-nothing-but-chicken-for-a-week-and-haven’t-had-liquids-in-three-days ripped like the other guys, but in no way will you ever convince me you are actually out of shape in the slightest."  Also, I’m just picturing a scene where Noah accidentally(/on purpose…?) looms over Chris, who just has this moment of "oh, yeah, that’s right, you’re tall now” immediately followed by “well, I am learning a number of new things about myself right now"  XD  On a related note, how do you think he feels about dip kisses after realizing this?  Although, I do hope Noah does not sweep Chris off his feet in quite the same way Chris keeps doing to him.  XD

On an unrelated note, that post about Artoo and Luke about killed me dead.  XD  Artoo’s propensity for shenanigans and Luke’s pervading issues with impulse control is just a complete recipe for hilarious disaster and total ride-or-die besties.  It also reminded me of the post about how Rogue One leads into New Hope and Leia straight up lying right to her dad’s face.  Which, while hysterical, also makes me think about how many posts I see about how Leia is very much her father’s daughter, but almost never see any that point out how much Luke is his mother’s son.  I just have a LOT OF FEELINGS about this, okay?  But I will contain that rant.  XD  (Star Wars has been an on-again-off-again love for me since I was 9.  It’s pretty much a guaranteed way to get an emotional response out of me.  XD )

And I’m glad Mo doesn’t bother the tree or anything, though the box thing is pretty funny.  But he does seem to have that very cat-like tendency to want to completely block you from accessing the keyboard or pin you in place because he’s laying on you and you don’t want to disturb him, so I think he’s catting just fine.  XD  I mean, I have some friends who one of their cats is immune to scruffing (the downside of this is that he’s also almost completely feral still [he was a stray that stayed], and at one point he got a UTI and needed antibiotics.  I’m pretty sure my friend had to get like a falconing glove or something to get his pills in him.  XD )

That America being huge vs Europe being old thing also made me laugh because there was the section about the "long bus ride” that was like two hours, and all I could think about was how often we drove four hours both ways to visit my grandparents, and how in high school we took a trip to Canada, and I don’t remember the exact length of the bus ride up, but I know it was between twenty-three and twenty-eight hours.

And I hope you’re enjoying the Spiderman game, or will when you get to it!  As best I recall, everyone I know who has played it has had nothing but good things to say about it.  And wow, I’m rambling again.  Oh well.  Anyway, hope you’re doing well, and sending lots of good energy for finishing the chapter to your satisfaction (I know the readers certainly don’t mind the longer chapters.  :D )  Take care!  *Hugs!*

Oh my god I am absolutely in love with that sweater. Why is this not a thing XD 

And yeah, they definitely gift Peter a sweater like that, lbr. No other way about it. It definitely backfires when Peter wears it every single year and to everywhere. Including PT meetings and the parent/school board meetings? I forgot the American word for it, in Dutch we call it ouderraad. I know we talked about them before where Peter starts a war with the ‘Karen’ and completely wrecks her. And how all the other moms fall in love with the three DILFS.

But yeah, wears it everywhere and every year XD. 

Noah’s deputies, including Jordan, have definitely snapped pictures and post them on every computer desktop in the station. Including pictures of Noah’s reaction faces of that sweater.

Because you cannot convince me, that a bunch of cops, would not be dicks about this.

Chris is infinitely grateful that he does not have coworkers like that.

And god that is rather good smirk to go with that line XD. And yeah I guess it is funny. But it’s also true and that’s wow... XD 

I did a character alignment test for Peter and came out on CN so that is what I’m going to stick with in any itteration for him. 

As for the wiggle butt thing, he does not have a tail and I already had a very lengthy inner discussion with myself before getting this ask and I can tell you, he does wiggle butt like a boxer in this form. Imagine a fucking beast like that just wiggle butting with happiness. The image is so bizarre that I had to include it in the full moon chapter.

Chris is definitely learning a number of things about himself when he figures out Noah can now loom over him and press him against walls. Also Chris has a thing for being bound or pressed against objects and when Noah figures that one out, well, let’s say Peter certainly doesn’t mind watching those moments.

There’s also a revelation when Chris says; I can easily get out of these handcuffs and Noah translates it too; Good, that means that as long as you don’t try to, you’re consenting to whatever I’m doing to you. Deal? To which Chris, enthusiastically agrees. It’s a very fun game. Peter disagrees because they tend to lock him out during the games with some ash, although he is invited back in after they’re done and then the attention of two Omegas is fully on him. So I suppose he doesn’t mind too much.

Something that is both funny and sweet though is that through Ben, Noah discovers how much he misses having little kids running around. And he has a few moments of; oh god I want another kid realizations in this chapter.

Of course, considering their situation this isn’t the time and Noah more than realizes that. But it gets conversations about the future going for all three of them.

Oh and to answer your question, Malia has not been to the vault, but she and her siblings will get to see it. If that’s with dad or with Derek I haven’t decided yet. But they will end up at the vault in this story. Gotta get Peter’s necklace back.

So far I’ve had a bit of a rough day but by answering this and focusing on headcanons, and that freaking sweater!!!!, I feel a bit better. So thank you my friend, this helped me a lot <3. 

And I agree, Leia is just like her father but Luke is all Padme and people don’t talk about that enough. <3

Lots of Love from me and Mo!

[purplesurveys]

804

All About the Letter A!

Please List! (at least one)

Animals I Like: Aspins! That’s what we call our native dogs, and usually they’re street dogs. Since they come from the street, they can eat all types of human food with no problem and are generally less likely to contract serious diseases. They make for amazing guard dogs and are just the best companions. Kimi’s part aspin :)

Foods I Like: There’s a local place that makes really good avocado cheesecake, and I’ll go with that.

I Know Someone Who’s (jobs): Anthropologist, air cabin crew, and accountant.

I Wouldn’t Mind Visiting: Athens, Arizona, Antarctica.

Sometimes I Feel: Anxious is the word I’m looking for most of the time these days. Sometimes I also get agitated.

Music I Listen To: Against Me!, Ariana Grande, alt-J, Adele.

Movies I’ve Seen: Anomalisa, A Clockwork Orange, A Nightmare on Elm Street, A Streetcar Named Desire, Amélie, American History X, Adventureland.

Names I Like: Amelie/Amelia, Alessandra, Arden, Ava, Audrey.

And now, onto the random questions!

Are you able to distinguish the difference of when to use “a” versus “and”? If the survey meant a/an, then yes.

Have you ever been in an airplane before? Yessss, a bunch of times. Riding airplanes never fails to make me feel excited, too.

Are you available? No. Which reminds me of some asshole who messaged my Facebook last week and said he wanted “to talk” to me because I’m “pretty.” I was the most horrified demisexual and my fingers went straight to the Block option lol.

What’s the best/funniest “autocorrect” that has happened to you/in your phone? Fuck turning into duck is always funny.

Abercrombie, American Eagle, or Aeropostale for clothes? Pass. I think all three of these shops went out of style like a decade ago.

Do you believe in angels or aliens? I believe in extraterrestrial life but not in the big head, green skin, big black eyes way that they’re usually portrayed as. I don’t believe in angels.

Have you ever been arrested? Nope.

Can you tell the difference between acute, right, and obtuse angles? Yes.

Do you appreciate art? In which forms? I appreciate all kinds of art, but like if I was in an art museum I would always flock to paintings.

Does any part of your body currently ache? Which part? Nothing is aching but my entire body is feeling very hot because it’s noon.

Do you get a lot of acne? Only whenever I’m really stressed in school. When all my deadlines start coming together, there’s always one or two noticeable pimples that show up and it’s always in an unfortunate area on my face, like in the middle of my eyes.

Are you athletic? To an extent, I guess? I can play table tennis and have shown good reflexes in sports like futsal.

Who/what are you attracted to? What attractive qualities do you find appealing? I’m demisexual; who I’m attracted to depends on who I’ve become close with, so having a list of desirable traits around doesn’t work for me.

Favorite author? I don’t have one.

Favorite actor or actress: Kate Winslet.

Do you consume alcohol? Yesssss and am always down for it.

Do you have any ailments? Not anymore! I had a UTI last week but with some very good antibiotics prescribed to me by Angela’s mom I’ve been feeling better for around a week now. It was bad for a while though and I kept having a fever that never went away and I could barely go up and down the stairs without feeling faint.

Do you wear an apron when you cook? No. I don’t think we even have aprons at home.

What time do you normally fall asleep? Midnight or a few hours after that.

Have you ever broken your arm or your ankle? I’ve sprained an ankle before. I had a bad fall, embarrassingly, in front of a rally that was ongoing at school at the time.

What is your age? 22.

Do you typically win or lose arguments? With Gabie, it only ever ends in a truce because neither of us like losing. With my mom, I let her win so that I can pretty much continue staying in this house, but she doesn’t know I could essentially kill her if I just chose to turn up my arguments to 100% lmao. 

Do you believe in astrology? No and it’s really hard to like people who take them incredibly seriously. A worst breed of people is those who like astrology but relentlessly shit on the MBTI test like...sure it might be bogus too, but at least you take a million questions about your personality on the MBTI test...

Do you enjoy going to amusement parks? My friends and I don’t ever have time to go to amusement parks, but even if we did, I’d probably be the friend that doesn’t go half the time. I just wouldn’t get my money’s worth in places like those since I don’t go on rides anyway.

Do you like the color aqua? It’s not a bad color at all. < True.

What are your aspirations? Get a great start into my career, save some money to help my parents for a bit, move out, travel some, and ultimately, all the white picket fence stuff with the person I’ll be with. Idk, I’m conventional when it comes to my goals.

Do you have any allergies? I don’t.

What is one of your most awkward moments? I have at least one everyday. Same goes for embarrassing moments.

Describe your appearance: I’m 5′1″, black shoulder-length hair with bangs, dark brown eyes, two ear piercings with one of the piercings ripped open from an accident, and shoulders that are a little bit tilted if you look closely because of my scoliosis.

What kind of an accent do you have? I wouldn’t know how to describe it but I have just a teeeeeny bit of an American accent due to me talking in English most of the time with nearly everyone I know, but it’s not perfect because of my Filipino tongue. It’s the same accent as those who went to private school and speaks English as a first language.

Are you addicted to anything? I don’t have any serious addictions but I will never pass up the chance to eat macarons, cheesecake, and any dish with truffle in it.

What are you afraid of? Death, cockroaches, losing the people I love, being in the kitchen and having something get on fire, getting eaten alive by an animal, drowning in the middle of the ocean or sea.

Are you big on showing affection? Intimately, like if it’s only the two of us together. I don’t like being too showy when in public because I know a good number of people don’t like it.

Do you live in an apartment? Nope. House.

Do you prefer Apple products? Yeah, all the gadgets I use regularly are Apple.

Have you ever received an award? For what? The last one I received was in elementary school for winning in a quiz bee.

Are you an Aquarius or an Aries? No.

Which alarms have you heard before? My phone’s, the fire alarm in emergency drills, the national local alerts on my phone whenever there’s a typhoon, earthquake, or volcano eruption, firetruck siren, ambulance siren, police siren.

Have you ever been under anesthesia before? What was the outcome? No and I am scaredddddd for the possibility. As far as I know that’s an injection too; and besides, I might end up saying embarrassing shit in front of my parents.

Anything else that you’d like to ask? Nopes.

[a-zebra-is-a-striped-horse]

[lifeoftinablog]

WHAT I LEARNED AFTER BEING DIAGNOSED WITH IC

Strap in, grab some tea, maybe a coffee, this is going to be a long post.

Incase you don’t know what IC is, IC stands for Interstitial Cystitis. About a year ago now, in April 2019, before I quit my daycare job, I started experiencing uncomfortable symptoms in my bladder. I couldn’t hold my bladder, and had to run to the restroom every 5-10 minutes at most. It was an absolute nightmare, and a struggle. I was worried at the time, working a solo position job, that I would lose it. I had no coverage other than managers to come and relieve me for the restroom, and when managers weren’t available and I had no customers, I would quickly run to the restroom. I felt like I had no control, and like my life was primarily being spent in the bathroom when I should be working. I had a hard time suddenly occupying myself with activities with the kids, or watching movies. There was just this constant tugging feeling in my urethra, begging me to use the restroom to catch some relief. A little TMI, I know, but that is my day to day, constant feeling in my body. The tugging feeling never stops in my bladder. I feel like every single moment, I’m going to suddenly use the restroom. At the time I thought I couldn’t live my life like this. I thought a huge contribution to the feeling might in fact be the amount of stress that my job caused me.

In mid May 2019, my job received word that we would officially be closing down for good. Corporate had decided we weren’t worth keeping open. A lot of children and their families were heartbroken, and in a sense I was too. That job had been 7, almost 8 years of my life. The stress of it had finally started baring down on me, and especially my bladder. But it seemed like a sign in the end. I reached out to my long distance boyfriend, and we had decided it would be best for me to take a step forward in life and move to Florida. So I quit my job before it officially closed down, and prepared for my move. In the time frame of moving, and settling down in my new place in Florida, I suddenly felt better. My bladder symptoms seemed like they had completely gone away. In that same time frame, I had made the decision to change my lifestyle. I started clean eating, where I completely eliminated sugar, and stuck to plain and simple dishes with spices. No dairy, very little bread/carbs, and a cheat meal of my choice maybe once every week or two depending on my self control. I ate lots of meats, and complex carbs like rice or sweet potatoes. I had lost 37lbs by the time I completed my move entirely.

I was feeling real good about myself by that point. I finally went from a 1x size in women’s clothing, down to a medium depending on the type of clothes, although it typically stayed around a large in most clothing items. My body felt so healthy. And not to mention, I’d reduced a lot of stress in my life. I moved away from stress in Washington - a stressful job, and some times stressful home life. I’d gained freedom and took a giant leap forward in my life by moving to Florida. It all seemed like I was getting a grasp on myself. I started a new job in Florida, and it felt a new beginning. No one knew me, so it was a chance to potentially make friends and make a secondary home for myself. I learned new skills, and worked harder than i’ve ever worked in my entire life so far. That goes for both physically and mentally. The holidays put a true test to my patience and my newfound skills. When the holidays passed, I was heavily praised by customers and coworkers for all my hard work, and even offered promotions of various kinds. I climbed my way up in my new job. I felt so appreciated, and on top of the world.

And then suddenly that tugging feeling came back. I distinctly remember standing at the register at my job, waiting to take a customers order, and I just couldn’t hold my bladder back. I felt like any second I was going to burst in my pants and embarrassingly wet myself. I couldn’t let that happen. I quickly flagged down a coworker to take over my position, and I ran to the restroom. I suddenly felt a burning sensation after relieving myself, and I started to cry from the embarrassment and pain of it all. My manager was so kind when I had returned from the restroom, and she had made an emergency run to a nearby pharmacy to get me UTI medication and a test kit. I was sent home early that day to test myself and rest. My test came back positive for a UTI, and I was immediately sent to Urgent Care. I hadn’t been to a doctor in years by that point and was very nervous about cost. Luckily, I had insurance coverage, and my family’s help. I seen the doctor, and was prescribed medication for a UTI - antibiotics, and over the counter AZO (a bladder medication that helps relieve pain, burning and urgency). The doctor was certain my symptoms all meant a UTI, and my tests all came back positive for it. They insisted that the antibiotics would be what would cure me.

Weeks later, after finishing my antibiotics and seeing the doctor for a checkup, I was given another round of antibiotics as the UTI supposedly had not fully gone away yet. But the urgency, and frequency I’d been experiencing for months at that point was all still there and continuing to feel fresh. I took the second round of antibiotics, and my stomach became extremely upset. I was sick at work constantly, with severe stomach pain. I decided to come off of the antibiotics a little early, and saw the doctor again. They ran urine tests and cultures, and my UTI was gone, but my symptoms remained. The doctor was baffled - and referred me to a urologist. My job became insistent and urgent that I seek care, and so I did. For the following months, I suffered with constant bathroom useage that hindered every aspect of my life. My time at work was always interrupted by the call for the toilet, and even outside of work I was spending more time in the bathroom than doing hobbies. Trying to walk at the park meant searching for the nearest bathroom every couple of feet. Going on trips, especially long car rides, meant pulling over every 10 miles or so, if I could make it that far, and using a gas station bathroom or a rest stop. My life was getting sucked away from me.

I finally saw the urologist after many appointments beforehand, and after a few weeks of waiting. It was determined that I had IC, interstitial cystitis, a lifelong bladder disease that would never be cured. The urologist refused to treat me until I completed some tests and procedures that would require some hospital time. It wasn’t long after that the coronavirus pandemic started, so I had to hold off my hospital visit and testing required by the urologist. In the time during the lockdown from the pandemic, I’ve learned a lot of things about my body.

I wish I had known much sooner how important it is to take care of the human body, and to listen to it. My body had been telling me for such a long time that things had been irritating it, and yet I’d continued forward with a lot of what my body was hurting from. A major cause for my IC is stress, which is something I found therapy was helping me to work with. For anyone dealing with major stress in their life, I highly recommend finding yourself someone to talk to. Therapy doesn’t fix everything though unfortunately. I found that my body, especially my bladder, was extremely sensitive to a lot of foods. Gluten, dairy, and soy are major triggers. I found by cutting out anything involving dough or bread made with wheat, milk and cheese, and soy sauce or oils containing soy, I’ve felt like I’ve gained a little more control over my bladder (although still not perfect). I also started pushing myself to incorporate more greens into my diet. I started taking supplements that would help try to heal my bladder and body. I take D-mannose to heal the bladder, Pumpkin Seed oil to help the bladder, Vitamin D3 because I’m deficient and low energy, PB8 Probiotics for gut health, Ashwaghanda Root for anxiety and stress relief, Magenisum for muscle relaxation and tension, Claritin for any potential allergens irritating my body or bladder, Peppermint capsules for bloating relief, and a multi-vitamin for women to have healthy skin, hair, and of course my overall body.

The combination of everything has started to provide some relief, but I know that I’m not yet at perfection. I can only hope I’m on the road to healing my body. Cutting out all the sugar and junk foods is something I truely wish I had done sooner. Not only did all of it cause me to gain weight most of my life, but it sure took a toll on my health. Taking care of your body is so important. As you get older, you’ll face struggles like myself if you don’t start sooner on caring for yourself and your general health.

[oldladydatin]

Second Chances...

I’m going to share this because well this is a pretty anonymous blog for one so I feel comfortable and two every year at this time it’s something I think a lot about, it’s a part of who I am. I realize this is going to be some hokey shit. If someone shared this story with me I would think it was some hokey shit they made up to justify their beliefs. It doesn’t really matter to me, even if I hallucinated it, it made a huge impact in my life. Eight years ago today I was laying in a hospital bed, all alone, with Sepsis, not responding to antibiotics, and I was worried I was about to die..... 

A lot of things led up to this day. I had been struggling with depression and anxiety since middle school. I mostly self medicated, I’d been on antidepressants, I’d been to therapists, none of that helped. When I met my ex husband I was a drunk, honestly. I drank a fifth of gin in front of him and then we went driving on trails in the woods and I was barely buzzed, he kept asking if I was okay to drive and I was because I drank like that a lot. On top of struggling with depression and anxiety, I was raped when I was 17 by a friend I trusted and I just sort went off the deep end. I took drugs at parties and didn’t even ask what they were, I was okay with dying. I was angry at the whole fucking world. I never talked about being raped, I told my husband about it later in our marriage, but that was it until I was in my 30′s. I was embarrassed more than anything, I worried I brought it on, like how messed up is that? I worried it was somehow my fault that when I said no 12+ times he didn’t understand it, I didn’t want people to see me like that. All my bad behaviors escalated after that, I went from sort of caring to not caring at all. I used to cut myself and hide them with the like three dozen bracelets I wore all the time, that got worse and I didn’t even necessarily try to hide it. I went from partying once a week to whenever I could. I drank more, I did more drugs, I drank and drove all the time. I got in more trouble. I tried to drop out of school, I wasn’t necessarily struggling academically, I was smart, but I barely went because I’d have panic attacks and I had migraines all the time. I just quit caring. I wasn’t sexually active, I sort of hated being touched after that. I started seeing someone and I never had sex with him, I was too messed up and it was hard being intimate. My ex husband and I were intimate because I felt safe with him, I trusted him. However I wasn’t ever very affectionate towards him, I really struggled with that. My family wasn’t very affectionate, so I didn’t grow up with a lot of touching to begin with, it’s something I’ve struggled with as an adult and oddly being a nurse has helped me get past this, I hug patients all the time, and hold their hands. I was very affectionate with the Mark’s and I loved that feeling, they always made me feel safe and I trusted them, I think those things are important to me in a relationship. 

One day I got a speech from someone I really didn’t even realized cared about me, but he cornered me and lectured me at a party and he meant it, like it was heart felt and I listened. So at some point I was trying to fix myself, I wasn’t doing a great job but I was trying. I had just quit smoking and doing drugs when I met my husband, I was very slowly working on myself. By the time I met my husband our friends were getting into meth. I didn’t have a lot of sense but I had enough to know I didn’t want to do meth. We made the decision to move about an hour away from our friends to a town with more work, where I was already in school studying art. We got engaged and moved into together, yes in that order, I’m old fashioned. I struggled with depression more after we moved, I was very clingy and dependent. I struggled with being sober all the time. I was a mess. I tried different medications, I tried therapy, I tried being a workaholic, I tried any and everything. I never talked about being raped in therapy, I just tried pretend it didn’t happen and it wasn’t apart of me. I graduated with my art degree and we decided to start a family. It took years to get pregnant but I got pregnant. I was the worst pregnant woman on the face of the planet. I had hyperemesis gravida, it’s a real thing. I threw up so much I was chronically dehydrated, the people in the emergency room knew me by first name. I continually visited them for dehydration, migraines, UTI’s and for episodes of vomitting that didn’t stop for hours. By the third trimester I had quit school and I just laid on the couch and cried all day, I was so depressed it was unreal. We talked to the OB doctors about it and they started me on antidepressants that were safe during pregnancy. They tried to schedule a c-section because of my anatomy they already knew I wouldn’t be able to have her naturally. I insistent on a natural birth, I went 24 hours in labor after my water broke, no drugs, trying every damn thing I could and still ended up with a c-section. I felt like a disappointment as a woman, c-sections are viewed by some women as the “easy” way out. It was a major abdominal surgery, that took weeks to recover from and the experience emotionally damaging and I was already struggling. 

I had severe post-pardum depression, possibly psychosis, also a thing. I had panic attacks, I had a hard time even grocery shopping because I’d walk in the store and it would almost warp and seem so endless that I thought I wasn’t getting out. I was trying to load a trailer at one point to move things to our storage unit and I started hallucinating that bugs were crawling all over me. I never slept, when I did I had nightmares. Everything people said to me was blown out of proportion. If someone nitpicked the way I was holding her I felt like they were criticizing me as mother. I decided to kill myself. I picked a date, wrote a letter, it wasn’t me thinking about it, I had a very well thought out plan. My husband found out and we went to the ER and I spent 3 weeks in a half way house for psych patients, doing group and seeing doctors, the whole thing. After that it was psychiatrists and more pills and more diagnosis. My ex husband got laid off from his job and decided it would be best to try to live in another state. I was excited to go one an adventure, but for my health it was probably the worst thing we did. I needed what little support I had at home. In other states this just got worse until I was in another hospital, 3 more weeks I had gained almost 100 lbs between the side effects of the medications and stress eating, At times I barely got out of bed. I was actually in the process of trying to get disability because the panic attacks were so bad I was barely able to hold down a part time job. I was so desperate to feel better I even went to a therapist about the rape but talking about it was so overwhelming I only went to three sessions and quit. I was addicted to drugs that I was prescribed. They prescribed me ambien and ativan. I would pop ativan all day. I would get in an argument with my husband and just pop some ativan during the argument. I started out taking 5 mg of ambien and eventually I was taking 30 mg, I’d run out of pills and barter for more at the job I had. I would take them and black out and go do stuff. It was all very scary. 

I got what I thought was the stomach flu, I was throwing up all week. My ex husband brought home a pregnancy test and asked me to take it. At this point this man never touched me. I didn’t even remember having sex with him in the year before that. Partially that was my fault, because we had sex and I was on ambien and ativan and I didn’t remember it and that made him feel like he took advantage of me so he wouldn’t touch me. As it turned out I was pregnant, We had, had sex when we went home for Christmas, I was drunk and on drugs and I didn’t remember it. This pregnancy was worse, it started with detox. I called my psychiatrist multiple times to try to find out what to do about the medications because they weren’t safe to take during pregnancy. They never returned my calls, so I just quit taking them. I was so sick, I couldn’t sleep, I was sweating so much I was repeatedly changing my clothes, when I did sleep I was having nightmares. I was throwing up all the time. It lasted a few weeks. When I had my first OB appointment I was honest with them about this and they told me I was very lucky that I hadn’t miscarried because of withdrawals. I had the hyperemesis crap again. Migraines, anxiety, I struggled to breath because of my weight, UTI’s, I’m just not good at being pregnant. 

We made the decision for me to go home because I was too sick to take care of my daughter and my ex husband worked. My ex again decided we were moving to another state and I was already so stressed out and I just wanted to go home. But my Dad is extremely critical of me, especially about the weight. I had lost about 45 lbs during the pregnancy at that point and when I told him that he said good for you, you’re not supposed to lose a bunch of weight during pregnancy. We met my family half way because I was too sick to sit in a car for 12 hours, so we stayed the night and drove the rest the next day. I wore jeans that were too tight for this trip because I didn’t want my Dad to make fun of me for wearing sweat pants. They dug into my stomach and I was uncomfortable, I was sweating a lot during the trip. Within the next few weeks the area around the button where they dug in the most became red and started to hurt, and hurt a lot. It just kept spreading and swelling and I was too uncomfortable to sleep. It felt really hot so I’d put ice packs on it at night trying to get comfortable. At my first OB appointment there she diagnosed me with cellulitis and started me on antibiotics. It continued to spread. My parents kept down playing it they didn’t really think I was sick or that it was anything serious. My Dad made comments about how I was just fat and needed to get up and move more. They even took me to a mall because I needed to walk around and then they were going to take me to Apple Bees for my birthday, even though I didn’t like Apple Bees, because they had a lower fat menu. I could barely move I was so uncomfortable, I told them I didn’t want to go and after the mall we just went home. The next day I went to the ER with my daughter, I borrowed a car and lied about where I was going. Within 3 minutes they admitted me, they had medical students in and out of my room to see this infection. Within two weeks I had my son 5 weeks early, he was immediately put on bipap and shipped off to the nearest NICU. I didn’t see him for 4 days and then they transferred me to the same hospital because I had gained 70 lbs from swelling and the infection continued to spread. What started out as a nickel sized red area now wrapped around my entire abdomen to my back. They tried not to do a c-section because it was close to the infection by then but I ended up with an emergency c-section anyways and they were afraid of it spreading to the incision, so they transferred me. I continued to not improve at the other hospital. It wasn’t until I was transferred that I ever heard the term sepsis. I freaked out, I didn’t know anything about it but I knew it could kill you. I had sepsis and I was not responding to antibiotics and they would discuss this in the hallway outside my room. I still insisted on getting up to shower everyday but I couldn’t do it by myself. My ex husband would help me shower and I would stand there and cry. I couldn’t wipe when I went to the bathroom. The entire thing was embarrassing. Eventually I was on oxygen and they were discussing survival odds outside my room, I had no idea what any of it meant. 

One night I was awake in my room alone in the dark, I was worrying because it had been like 4 weeks and I was just getting worse. This light came on in my room and I was able to relax. I felt better, even the burning, throbbing feeling in my stomach felt better. I felt like I was being comforted. I don’t know how to explain it but I felt like I could just go in that moment. I felt like all the pain and suffering could be gone if I wanted it to be. I considered it. I considered leaving the world behind for a split second, just letting everything go. Then I started to imagine this whole life, where I was happy, where I was a good mom, where I didn’t hurt and not just the hurt from the infection, but the hurt in my heart that I had been struggling with my whole life. I thought about my daughter and my baby who I was so in love with already. He was let out of the NICU after only 7 days and he was doing great. He would smile and laugh everytime he heard my voice, nobody in the NICU had ever heard a baby that little laugh. We had a really strong bond from day one. I missed my daughter, I missed cuddling with her on the couch and listening to her stories. I felt like I had so much to live for and I wasn’t ready to die. I made a promise that if I lived I was going to live. I wasn’t going to run from life anymore. I was going to make better choices and work towards being happy. I made a promise to change. The light faded and I was alone in my room again. But I felt hopeful, I wasn’t worried I was going to die anymore. Within 2 days with no explanation at all the swelling improved, the infection was going away and I was responding to antibiotics and they didn’t change them. My labs were coming back better. They started me on lasiks and the weight was coming off and I wasn’t on oxygen. Within four days I was going home after a month long nightmare, I was taking my baby home. I just continued to improve. 

I wake up everyday and chose to be happy. I make better choices, I started working on myself. My ex husband hated that, I think he actually liked me being codependent. and suddenly I wasn’t, suddenly I was going out and doing things alone, or with the kids. I was painting and drawing, when we got settled I started taking art classes. The instructor wasn’t sure why I was taking her class and convinced me to help teach painting at this community center. We moved again and we ended up homeless. I had such a good attitude about this I was like well we’ll just camp until we figure it out. My kids and I lived in a tent for an entire summer, and it was fun. My ex worked and they provided him with hotel rooms. The kids and I hiked, swam, rode bikes, made art, we did all kinds of cool things. To this day my kids think we were on vacation. I changed my whole attitude and when we got settled I went back to school for nursing. I wanted to help people the way people helped me. I wanted to make a difference and I am. I still struggle sometimes but I think about that one moment and the promises I made and I shake myself out of it and get moving. I don’t take drugs, I’ve been offered Vicodin, or ativan by doctors but I’d rather struggle. I drink socially maybe once a month and never when I’m struggling. I’ve been struggling the past month and went to three metal shows and only had water. Every year around this time I think about where I was at 8 years ago and I count my blessings. I think about my life and the promises I made that day and take a look back and try to decided if I’m living up to them. If I’m not I try to decide how I can do better the next year. Some of the best things can come out of the worse days, and that’s what happened 8 years ago. 8 years ago today, I got a second chance. 

[andilion]

Rough weekend over here, gross post warning ⚠️

Dakota had another diarrhea incident in the night Friday night. So she’s back to eating boiled chicken and rice and I ordered her some probiotics. When this happened a month ago they tested her poop but were like we don’t know, she’s just old 🤷🏻‍♀️ She has no other symptoms with it and when it happens it seems like she’s been backed up even though she’s been pooping normally when I walk her. I switched her to science diet sensitive skin & systems (she gets bad dandruff randomly too) and at the time they also suggested a probiotic. So I ordered her the one she’s taken before when she was having poo probs and we’ll see if that helps. Back to the vet if it doesn’t.

I also switched the cats to the cat version of the same food just this weekend and now Lulu has been in and out of the litter box 800 times and licking herself constantly. I thought the food switch gave her diarrhea, but it actually looks like she’s trying to pee everytime she goes in there so now I’m wondering if she has a UTI. She won’t let us hold her/hold her down at all without having an anxiety attack, but she had poop stuck to her fluffy butt the other day that we had to force her against her will to let us remove. I’m wondering if her fluffy buns are impeding her from cleaning well enough back there and now possibly the UTI. Since she’s such a mess we can’t take her to a groomer either and she had a couple mattes on her back that we had to chase/wrestle her to let us comb out. Also the last time she got sick, trying to give her pills was about the absolute worst thing on earth and she wasn’t cooperating at all (she won’t eat treats either), so she ended up getting worse and when I took her to another vet they finally just gave her an antibiotic injection.

So I’ll see how she’s acting tomorrow and decide about a vet trip for her I guess. It will definitely not be a good time for either of us. The vet gives me so much anxiety because it’s so expensive and I think I have PTSD from when Rylie died; everytime I have to go my brain goes straight to the worst possible thing and omg they’re dying. Plus Dakota is old so I worry in general.

This whole thing is also stressful because as usual I have about 500 appointments on my calendar this week, so taking off work would be a nightmare and I’m leaving for PA to visit my sister Thursday night, so if I leave Peter with two sick animals he’s gunna lose his shit and prob guilt me about it too. I hope their issues just resolve themselves 😩😩😩

[ofcloudsandstars]

.。. ☆ :* Hey Everyone! °☆.。.:*

I am now ~officially~ back on this blog. My full undivided attention will be here now. Sorry for the lack of interaction but my life has been an adventure for the past two weeks and a disaster for the last one. The transition back has been hard and I don't know why I am somehow just suffering so much for it, it's almost laughable and ludicrous.

I will post more about my personal disasters below in a read me but I will be trying to focus on good things since Autumn's Climax is passing (a time in my personal wheel where I focus on the height of each season before their pinnacle (crossquarter sabbat) and for autumn it generally means nice long walks in forests, making cider, enjoying seasonal treats etc etc) today Venus moves in Libra and my job let me take home some white roses so I might do some self love spells with that, and Samhaintide is nearly upon us! (though I know MANY prefer to just celebrate the 1st of October, I enjoy waiting until the 15th-20th since I just like to enjoy fall itself at it's peak.) I WILL be participating in Trick or Treat so feel free to drop me a message! (starting Tomorrow October 15th 2017) I might do the goosebumps bibliography again cause its fun.

Bonus: I will be opening up my submit box to see your most halloweeniest of lewks! I want to see that witch burst forth for the season! So if you submit a selfie of yourself in your Witchiest of attires/lewks then I will definitely give you a treat! Let that colorful lipstick flare, the hair run wild, the cloaks flow! 

Anyway I will finish the high autumn queue and move into samhain for tomorrow. Down below in the read me is more personal stuff:

Coming back from London was like returning from Narnia to a hell like dystopia. It was like waking up from a magical wonderland to a nightmare reality and having to accept it. I mean I enjoy being in NYC but like anyone here can tell you it's called gotham city for a reason.

This place literally is a vibe of hell on earth. Where as London has this beautiful Harry Potter witchy vibe, New York has this grungy welcome-to-hell sin city witchy vibe. Both are cool in their own ways but you know its just.. rough.. transitioning back to the hell life lol. Day 1 the MTA machines were not working (oh and of course it would be too much to ask them to put up signs anywhere or even program the machine to) but it stole $121 from both my card accounts for monthly passes but didn't give me one. I had to wait for hours on the MTA phone line to have robotic messages just be like: sorry don't use the machines. I had to battle with my bank for a long time and now I don't have a debit card (great to help me from not spending a lot after the trip though lol. Looking on the bright side.) I had to work four days in a row for 8-10 hours including on my birthday. It was a miserable birthday and I would have been depressed if it was not for London. Also my private region is like.. having a Revolt. I guess I am lucky enough to have never had a yeast infection until now since they are common but this one is like D R A M A T I C including a symtomless UTI with a swollen ureter vessel. Me explaining to the doctors at the clinic that I met a wonderful man and in the moment we had a Night of Passion™ didn't cut it since they were all like wtf you filthy whore not having protected sex but yes here I am getting shamed by puritan doctors reluctantly giving me antibiotics as my vagina is on fire. I did a blood test for STDs just- in- case- and I did a formula soak of apple cider vinegar, sea salt and lavender oil for 20 minutes which was like drastically relieving. Since its not good to soak there too much (unless it's case of emergencies like this) I am just drinking a mixture of apple cider vinegar in glasses of water with probiotics every morning along with some herbal tea I've crafted (with red clovers, raspberry leaf, cherry wood, catnip) to help my condition. The symptoms are getting better but since my ureter is like doing some weird shit I think I am going to take the antibiotics though I am not a huge fan of it.

Anyway soon I will post all of the cool things I got from London that are magical and talk about it more but this is just a personal update on my life.

[metazensae]

Gumi Update: Overview

So by now, I'm sure you're aware that Gumi has Feline Lower Urinary Tract Disease (FLUTD). He has been suffering through incidents since late August last year. Since then: - 4 individual blockages have occurred: 1 crystal induced, two mucus plugs, and one blood clot - at least 7 UTIs. At least. I lost count. - 1 major surgery (perineal urethrostomy) to reconstruct his urethral opening - 3 other unblocking procedures + 3 day over night stays - not to mention all the medications with different time frames, supplements, and special dietary concerns We have spent well over $7000 at this point. Needless to say it has been a nightmare for everyone involved. It is now April, and we are contending with yet another flare up - about 1 week after we finished a third consecutive round of antibiotics following the last UTI event. This time tho, Gumi is displaying different symptoms - straining to pee but not yowling, bloody urine but in good regular-sized eliminations, clearly sick but presenting a playful energy that's strong enough to resist. It has been strange. We visited the vet this afternoon expecting to go home with another round of antibiotics (tho I didn't want to. He's been medicated too often and I'm fearing that he's built up a tolerance), but the vet tech came back with strange news. He showed me the video of the footage - red and white blood cells everywhere, but no bacteria, crystals, or stones. They called it sterile cystitis. Apparently Gumi can have a flare up like this without an underlying infection. That is terrifying but also good news; we don't need extra medication, but it also means that environmental factors trigger episodes with the same severity. In addition, we noticed Gumi's new urethral opening grows hair inside. We have to be extra careful and diligent to keep it clipped and sanitary. Bc S just started a new job, we think that change in routine was the most recent trigger. It's just overwhelming to walk on this many eggshells when we're already doing everything we can. I'd stopped posting the details of Gumi's suffering bc making these posts are both tiring and depressing for me and my followers, but recently someone reached out to me looking for advice on this. I figure if these posts can help someone feel less alone or get a heads up about what they may be facing, then maybe these difficult posts are worth making after all. Just know Gumi's life with FLUTD is one of the most severe and unfortunate cases my vets have ever seen. Not every cat parent has to go through what we have, so if you're reading this, don't lose hope. But also know that this can happen in the worst case scenario. For those who've lost fur babies to this awful disease, know that you've done everything you could have. No guilt. This is an expensive and difficult disease, and even the specialists don't have all the answers. S and I have had the talk about having Gumi euthanized. We said that if Gumi suffers another serious blockage, we will have to let him go. We were fortunate to be able to raise enough resources to help him this much, but it seems fate is not really on his side, and we've forced him to stay at our sides for long enough.

[wiisaakodewinini]

Adult Circumcision, It Happens!

*This has (obviously) a lot of penis-heavy content and surgery procedure talk below, so if that’s not something you’re interested in/upset by, keep on movin’! 

Kay so, I’m by no means a doctor, but I saw a post that really made me wanna share my story cus not a lot of people with penises are super aware that circumcisions happens for a variety of reasons and that they can be necessary at any point in life (not just infancy) and that its important that you talk about problems you’re having down there, because it could cause you bigger problems later in life. Penis health is important and circumcision can be a touchy subject because a lot of people with a penis often have insecurities related to whatever problems they may have with theirs, out of fear of shame or humiliation. 

So when I was growing up as a little lad, I was taught about good genital hygiene and how I was supposed to pull back my foreskin to clean because well, things get stuck in under the head with the skin over, and all that jazz. However as I got a bit older, approaching adolescence, I noticed I physically could not pull it back, like the skin would just not widen enough to expose the glands properly, it would get stuck. Any attempt to do so would result in a tearing sensation that felt something like when you get a hangnail, sharp buzzy pain. So after being confused about it for honestly a couple years, my father ended up needing a circumcision in his 60′s, and his surgeon asked him to talk to me about if I had been having any problems. I was honest and said I hadn’t been able to pull it back in a while because it hurt too much/was too tight. This was apparently a big problem, and I was in the surgeon's office for a diagnosis later the following week. 

Turns out, after having him and a nurse do some simple tests on it, it turned out that I had phimosis, which is basically just the technical term for what the problem was, for some weird reason, my foreskin was unnaturally tight at the top, which would have caused me problems during puberty and later in life it could have been particularly complicating so I was recommended for surgery and about a month later after a series of blood tests (like 3 sets of 8~12 vials) I was booked for a week after my 13th birthday and that was it.

The actual surgery itself, I was put under and didn’t feel a thing. And I was able to go home the same day, on the condition I could pee by myself and not throw up food eaten post operation. I was given special mesh underwear and my penis was wrapped tightly with gauze over lots of stitches. 

Now everyone has a different experience but recovery wasn’t super easy at first for me, and this is my account of what it's like:

*warning graphic

On the first night, I got an involuntary erection which ripped 3 stitches. I bled a LOT and had to go back to emergency and that was NOT fun. 

A newly exposed penis is EXTREMELY sensitive. Sweatpants and loose-fitting shorts only. Car rides were a nightmare and I didn’t do much moving from the couch for about a week and a half. 

A LOT of swelling the first few days, peeing was honestly a delicate experience that was like controlling a pressure-washer...

Changing your gauze every two days is not pleasant. Your blood dries to the gauze and your various fluids and such cling to it also so peeling it away from your wounded penis is very sensitive and cringe-worthy, but absolutely necessary. 

Sleeping was tricky for the first few days. It was hard for me, a stomach sleeper having to sleep on my back and not being able to move too much with what essentially was a temperamental roll of toilet-paper (gauze) between my legs  that protested every toss and turn throughout the night

I don’t think the process could be done alone, you’re very reliant on everyone around you for a lot of things. From changing the bandages to getting food.

I wasn’t allowed to wear tight/proper-fitting underwear for a month. 

After the dust settled and I got used to my newly circumcised penis:

I was a lot more comfortable in general, I hadn’t realised how much discomfort I was living with Phimosis. 

I found masturbation (and later intercourse) was just as satisfying as before, if not maybe a bit more.

My penis grew in properly which was one of the concerns related to the condition. 

The sensitivity subsided and is not an issue

Much easier to clean 

Stays cleaner longer, regular showering is sufficient, special attention isn’t needed.

Life goes on without any thought of it. 

I supposedly have a lower risk of contracting a variety of STI’s which is a great plus

Reduces the likelihood of penile cancer

Decreased risk of UTI

Why might someone with a penis need a circumcision beyond infancy?

Usually its one of these culprits...

PHIMOSIS (This is what I had)

“phimosis is a condition where the inability to pull back the foreskin of the penis results in symptoms such as pain and urinary difficulties. Physiologic phimosis is a condition where the prepuce (foreskin) is tight and not fully retractable, but where there are no symptoms.

At birth, the foreskin is naturally tight, with some estimates suggesting that 96% of male infants have physiologic phimosis. Normally, the foreskin slowly loosens as the boy develops, but in the case of phimosis, the tightness remains or is slower to resolve. Typically, the problem resolves between the ages of 5 and 7, with just 2% of adult males thought to have non-retractability of the prepuce, despite being otherwise normal.

If the problem persists and there is inflammation or ballooning during urination, intervention may be sought. In rare cases, circumcision is used to permanently remedy the situation.

PARAPHIMOSIS

“Paraphimosis is effectively the opposite to phimosis: the foreskin is stuck behind the head of the penis and restricts the blood flow to the end of the penis.

This condition is considered to be a medical emergency. Paraphimosis is often iatrogenic; in other words, it is a reaction to a medical procedure, such as a urethral catheter or penile examination.

If left untreated, paraphimosis can lead to gangrene and autoamputation. Once the initial issue is resolved, a circumcision is often prescribed to prevent future occurrences”

BALANITIS

“Balanitis is a condition where the head of the penis swells up and the foreskin can no longer be brought to its natural position.

This condition can be caused by an infection, dermatitis, psoriasis, eczema or lichen planus (a skin disease). Having unprotected sex with a partner who has vaginal thrush can also increase the chances of balanitis, as can suffering from diabetes.

Depending on the initial cause of the issue, balanitis can be treated by steroid or antifungal creams, a course of antibiotics, or, as a last option - circumcision”

[Source Article]

Hopefully, you all feel a little more enlightened on penis health! I encourage you to examine yours or talk to your children/siblings about it and encourage a dialogue about any problems or discomfort they have been having. Doctors are super understanding about it and there is nothing to be embarrassed about. Its better to get it out of the way now before it becomes a serious problem down the road! Just as a disclaimer, I can only speak from my experience and what I learned from my healthcare practitioners, you, or someone else may have a different experience with the whole process if you find you might be at risk for the above conditions!

Take care ~