#i have hesitated a lot to say anything about his trauma-caused aggression and anger because i fear it'll be misconstrued by ppl

[dandyshucks]

knowing that even if they get frustrated or upset, they'll still do their best to be kind; and if they mess up and lash out then we can talk about it later once things are calmer again, and we'll figure it out and make it okay <3

[cummingforkylo]

Kylo Ren is Not Nice-A thesis by Tumblr user CummingForKylo

Kylo Ren is a deeply disturbed and haunted individual who in canon repeatedly disregards the bodily autonomy,  as well as the physical and mental wellbeing of many, many individuals; he would struggle to do anything we might consider ‘nice’ or ‘loving’ in any relationship he was in. Kylo Ren is not nice. And oh, do we love him for that. Part of Kylo’s draw is that he is the ultimate bad boy, he’ll choke you and not flinch away as you struggle. Writing and reading smut or fantasy is about exploring things you can’t explore in real life because they are dangerous, unrealistic, or completely imaginary. Don’t dilute or water down bad characters into something that is easier to excuse, or easier for you to love. Pretend that Kylo would be gentle, pretend he’d want to ‘make love’ or kiss you, or provide you aftercare, sure, but don’t say that’s canon. It is simply not canon and never will be and lots of individuals fell in love with Kylo as he was written in canon: mean, aggressive, hot headed, possessive, with a host of behavioral issues because, say it with me: fiction is a place to explore those things safely.

Kylo Ren slaughtered his whole Jedi school, Kylo ordered an entire village of innocent people murdered, he destroys people and property on a whim. Kylo is unrestrained, violent, and angry. Not to mention his has no emotional intelligence. He is incapable of understanding that love could help his anger, he pushes away any attempt to use love to bring him back from he dark side. When his father reaches out to be gentle with him, to offer him love within the safe space of his family, Kylo kills him instead. Kylo doesn’t want to face the pain that has caused his anger, and accepting love would mean he would have to look in the eye of his trauma and his pain so, like so many real life individuals, he chooses to reject love and remain angry. This is why he struggles so much and is being “torn apart” because he doesn’t want to be vulnerable, he doesn’t want to feel things and yet…humans can’t help but feel things so this turns to rage. So the idea that he would suddenly be kind, warm, and affectionate to Reader or even to Rey is laughable.

If you enjoy Kylo’s character, the struggle he goes through and the darkness in him then you have to accept the fact that he’s not someone that would be emotionally available, even in a relationship. Kylo Ren would not be a good real life boyfriend. In fact, in real life, Kylo would be an abusive boyfriend, teetering on murderous.  It’s questionable whether or not he’d even be able to call himself a boyfriend to anyone. In fiction, we can decide that slowly Kylo would allow room for someone in his life but would he suddenly be consistently nice to them? No. Would he call himself their partner? No. Would he wrap his arms around them and whisper that he wanted to have a baby with them? Definitely not. It would take a redemption arc, his return to Ben Solo, and then years of painful therapy and self reflection, forgiveness etc to get Ben Solo to that point. For me, one of the most fun aspects of writing Kylo in some kind of relationship is figuring out how he would show tiny amounts of affection for the Reader, what would he feel like he could do without compromising his strength? Spoiler alert: its not much. But that makes those tiny things feel heart-poundingly huge. The hesitation before leaving the room, the unexpected kiss, the gentle hand on the back, all things we take for granted in real life because they’re expected(as they should be) become enormous and diary-entry level exciting with Kylo Ren. (Dear Diary, he didn’t slap me when I asked for a kiss today. I’ve never felt more in tune with him). So why do people need to get up in arms about writers writing Kylo as he really is?

I get countless asks from people wanting me to write Kylo as a sweet boyfriend who is gentle with them. I’ve also had the question about aftercare come up a lot. Then when I say I won’t write Kylo like this because it’s not like him, I tend to get an amount of pushback. Which is kind of what sparked this essay. First and foremost, Kylo wouldn’t even understand what aftercare is. The idea of taking care of someone after you fuck them isn’t something that he’d understand because of the aforementioned lack of emotional intelligence. Second, Kylo wouldn’t be in a typical BDSM relationship with someone where there are agreed upon limits. He is not a Nice Guy. He is not someone you would want to do these things with you from a place of mutual respect because he is not capable of mutual respect. Kylo Ren does not respect, unless it is someone who is an accomplished dark side of the Force user(Vader, Palpatine…kinda and Snoke but thats questionable near the end too). I don’t know about other people, but my  sexual fantasies do not revolve around contracts, safe words, and gentle aftercare. They revolve around a world where my deepest fantasies can come true as if they’re a real life horrible situation, not a BDSM scene with rules and regulations. I don’t fantasize about Kylo Ren being a realistic and good Dominant. No, I fantasize about what BDSM scenes only simulate. I’m sure there are people that are different from me, and want the contracts, consent, safe words and aftercare. But that means Canon!Kylo might not be for them.

I don’t want to gatekeep the Kylo Ren character at all that is not my intent. If you have a fantasy of him caring for you, being your boo, snuggling you etc thats wonderful! You’re allowed to have those fantasies but please, please don’t argue with me about my want to portray his character as accurately as I can. Don’t tell me that he’s soft, or that he ‘needs love’ or anything. No, Kylo Ren is Not Nice. He is incapable of accepting love. I am honestly taking great creative license when I choose to have him not  kill Reader after he fucks her. There are things I write that aren’t the most realistic, there are aspects of him that I think are fun to explore even though they aren’t totally in character—but generally speaking I like to keep his characteristics as canon as they can be. That is that he is a mass murdering, hot tempered, sarcastic, damaged, rage-filled, aggressive dark side user and I still want to suck his dick.

[topherfoxtrot]

Resilience

Here's the third part of my thunderbolts au. Emil Blonsky scaped his long imprisonment but he didn't went after the Hulk. Where did he go? The answer is bellow the cut. There's an original character here too. I'm not kin of OCs but I didn't find any character who would fit the role I wanted. Said oc will only be a part of this episode so consider it a special guest appearance. I've realized I've been writing more and more with each installment. Sorry about that, I'm getting more comfortable with the whole precess and I like to challenge myself. Continuing the trend, this chapter has a widely different vibe from the previous ones. As usual if you enjoyed please like, share or comment something.

Episode one

Episode two

Emil woke up from a nightmare. It was a fight. From as long as he could remember all Emil did was fight. Now even when he's not awake he's still fighting. He sat on the bed breathing heavily. Wait, where am I? He thought.

"You must be confused." A female voice was heard nearby.

Emil looked around looking for it. The cabin was small. The bedroom, the living room and the kitchen were all occupying the same space. There were two doors, one of them was probably for the bathroom. The woman was sitting at the kitchen table. She dressed a knitted sweater and rabbit slippers.

"My name is Charlie Reznik." She pointed at the soup, "Are you hungry?"

"Where am I?"

"Alaska. Three hours driving from Barrow."

Emil sat on the bed. He was naked. He covered himself with the blankets not for modesty but because they were warm.

"You weren't using any clothes when I found you and you don't seem like the kind of person who would wear my clothes. I hope the blankets kept you warm."

"Found me?"

"Yeah. You were screaming a lot. And throwing trees around." Charlie chuckled, "Eventually you got tired and just fell asleep right where you were. I was thinking about calling the police or something but when you started to shrink I decided to bring you here."

Suddenly Emil looked at himself realizing he did indeed shrink. He didn't look like that anymore. Still, the bones in his hands and abdomen were more prominent than they should be. He took his hands to his back to feel his spine was also prominent. That made him think of the super soldier serum, of the Hulk and of the prison he just scaped.

"I need to contact someone." Emil got up only to fall on the ground.

"Are you okay?" Charlie approached him with caution.

"I think I'll have the soap first actually." Emil muttered realizing how weak his body was.

***

The soup made with vegetables reminded Emil of his childhood in Russia. He had almost no recollection of those few years before he moved to England. He mostly remembered the cold and his mother's soap.

"I need to ask you but.. it's gonna sound weird." Emil was at the table tangled with the blankets, "What year is this?"

Charlie looked him in the eyes to decide if he was being serious or not. Emil didn't flinch so nor did Charlie, "It's 2023."

Emil pressed his lips and started to breath heavily. He was sleeping this whole time. They kept him asleep without ever giving him a chance to explain himself. No consent and no agency.

"No one has heard anything about you since 2008 Mr Blonsky and now you show up in the middle of the forest not knowing the year?" Charlie seemed genuinely curious.

"You know me?"

"I didn't recognize you at first. There isn't much footage from big you. But the sketch from witnesses matched pretty well. They call you the Abomination."

"Abomination?" Emil suddenly smashed the wooden table with enough strength to crack it. Charlie quickly moved her left hard to somewhere under the table. They locked eyes. For the first time Charlie didn't seem warm and inviting but rather fierce and absolutely ready to react. Emil closed his eyes a bit before recomposing himself.

"I'm sorry."

"I also think the name is impolite." Charlie brought her hand back, "But no one knew anything about you except you were military assigned to find Bruce Banner. I had to make some phone calls and turns out my guess was right! You are indeed in the accords database. Quite high level threat.

"What accords?"

"Alright." Charlie put her hair behind her ears, "I need you to be honest with me Mr Blonsky. What's the last thing you remember?"

So he said. He fought the hulk on Harlem, fell unconscious and woke up in Alaska. Charlie brought a computer from a big bag under the bed and put it on the table in a way that both of them could see it.

"The world changed a lot since 2008 Mr Blonsky. Put on your seatbelts."

Charlie then gave him a contemporary history class the best way she could while showing videos and pictures whenever she felt necessary. She talked about the avengers assembling in 2012 to stop an alien invasion caused by a norse god. She talked about the genocidal robot destroying a whole country in 2015. She talked about Wanda Maximoff killing those people back in 2016. She talked about the Sokovia accords and how that made the avengers disassemble. She talked about Wakanda opening up to the rest of the world. She talked about the avengers coming together again to fight yet another alien invasion. She talked about the snap and the chaotic years that followed. She talked about the blip and the even more chaotic year that followed it. Emil listened to everything in silence. It was a lot but he was smart.

"They put me to sleep for fifteen years." He whispered.

"I'm so sorry about that. It's unfair."

Emil had finished his soup but he stayed exactly where he was. Thinking about everything.

"I became strong. I became as strong as I could and still... they defeated me with bed time."

"You're being unfair."

"How come?"

"I don't think strength is really what you think it is."

"How would you know?"

Emil looked at Charlie's small stature with unconscious disdain. She picked on that and wore her fierce eyes again.

"With all due the respect Mr Blonsky..." It was possibly to hear the rage under her words, "You have no idea how strong I am. Thanos snapped my whole family! I wasn't even at home when it happened. Do you have any idea how much strength I needed to gather to simply get up every morning? I may not have big muscles like you -in fact no one does Mr Blonsky - but guess what? You could not have went through what I did. I'm sure of it!"

Emil got up aggressively and so did Charlie.

"You're really pulling the trauma card?"

"Wanna compete?"

"I think I do." He showed his teeth.

Charlie walked across the cabin stepping heavely. She sat on the bed. "Enlighten me."

The challenge got Emil off guard. He hesitated.

"I don't need to tell you anything."

"Of course you don't. If you tell me how traumatized you are, I'll tell you how traumatized I am. Then you will have to admit that none of it gives you permission to do the shitty things you did!"

The cabin merged in silence. Outside there was nothing but the cold wind running through the trees.

"I know your type." Charlie continued, a little calmer now, "Though childhood huh? No perspective of a future so you joined the military. Felt good to explode some heads didn't it? It felt powerful."

Emil remained in silence. He still looked mad, but remained in silence. Charlie went to the kitchen and grabbed a photograph from one of the drawers. She gave it to Emil.

"You're military." Emil studied the photo of Charlie and other soldiers smiling inside a tent.

"Used to be. Came back in 2019. The welcoming party wasn't exactly a party as you can imagine. My house was empty. As I said both my parents and my little brother got snapped. That's when I found this cabin."

"It's not yours?"

"Nah. I don't know who it belongs to actually. It was a cold night and I was just driving aimless. I don't know why exactly. Everything just seemed so meaningless back then. I felt weak."

Emil put the photograph on the table and they both locked eyes again. Not with anger this time though.

"It's cold but it's isolated enough. I could cry and scream as much as I wanted without anyone knowing. And did I need to scream! Scream at Thanos, scream at my parents, scream at myself. A part of me wish it could've been me, y'know? Trust me I would give my life for theirs in the blink of an eye! Yet, here I was."

Charlie sat at the table again. The temperature of the cabin went from 20°C to 40°C and then to 20°C again. Emil felt sorry about the table but most importantly he felt sorry for making Charlie mad.

"There's no much to say." He started, "Though childhood. No perspective. Joined the military. After everything I've seen, being strong is honestly the only option. It's survival."

"I get it. I really do. But strength is not on your muscles."

"Don't come with this heartfelt bullshit."

"It's not." Charlie chuckled, "Trust me I won't fall for that bullshit either. It's something else."

She got up and grabbed an old book from the shelf near the bed.

"All those things were already here when I got here for the first time. There was water, gas, energy, the bed, the blankets. It's like whoever lived here had just left. I've known this place for couple more than three years now. No one is ever here except me, yet the feeling never goes away."

The old book was covered with leather.

"Self help book?" Emil asked.

"In a way." Charlie tilted her head, "This book is about the universe. But not like a scientific encyclopedia. This book is about the whole universe, about the energy that comes from different parts of the multiverse and how to harvest and manipulate them. Essencially, magic!"

"Alright it's a self help book. Magic is not real."

"I was honestly hoping you would say that." Charlie smiled, "Check this out!"

Charlie put her hands in front of her and took a deep breath in order to focus. She moved her hands vertically and a orange string appeared from thin air. Charlie's hands drew a circle in the air and the string curved itself in a circumference. Charlie closed her hands as if grabbing something and with another gesture polygonal forms started to draw themselves in the magic circle. Charlie snapped her fingers with both hands and the whole thing started to spin like a magical ferris wheel.

"You discovered magic!" Emil whispered.

"Of course I didn't! People have been studying that for a long time. I just happened to find a weird book." The magical strings disappeared as Charlie stopped focusing so much on them, "You know when you are depressed so you set a simple goal just to give yourself a little achievement?"

"No, actually. But that's seems like solid advice."

"It is!" Charlie chuckled, "Anyways I read this whole book in like two days and I didn't understand shit. But I was super interested and started to dig the internet and beyond for anything related to all the weird concepts I found. I read the book more two of three times after that. Each time I learned something different and gained a new perspective over myself and the universe around me."

"So it is a self help book!" Emil laughed.

"As I said, it is but in a weird way. I mean look around. There's aliens and gods and the multiverse. When you think of all of it don't your problems seem way smaller?"

"I'm not sure."

"Here's how it's gonna be. I go to Barrow buy you some clothes and you think about everything I just said." She grabbed a jacket and wore boots, "But you have to pay me back alright? Otherwise I'm gonna hunt you and I'll find you. Remember: I know magic!"

"Okay, that's fair!"

Charlie grabbed a ring with slot for two fingers in a kitchen drawer. "That was one of the things I found here. Magic becomes weirdly intuitive once you learn some basics."

She made that focused face again and started to draw circles in the air with her right hand. The air in the middle of the cabin heated up and started to sparkle. An orange circle (much like the one she conjured with the hand gestures) appeared but in the middle of it was possible to see an alley.

"What is this?" Emil was shocked.

"Fast travel!" Charlie winked before passing through. The portal was gone as soon as she was gone and Emil found himself alone in the cabin.

***

There was a small mirror in the bathroom. Alone, he could check his own body for the first time. His face looked pretty much the same, he hadn't aged one day in the past fifteen years. Besides his hands and shoulders and spine, his elbows were also abnormally prominent. Was he the Abomination after all?

The power felt good, he remembered. Felt god-like. But the cost was too high. Emil became too dangerous and lost control over his own life for more than a decade. He wanted to blame Ross and Banner but would it be even fair? Emil was the one who accepted to take the serum in the first place. He actually pointed a gun at that scientist. He begged to become as strong as the Hulk is.

Emil left the house still covered in blankets. The cold snow made his feet burn but no enough to bother him. He was strong after all. Or maybe he enjoyed the pain in a sick way of reinforcing his own superiority belief. An orange portal opened nearby after a while.

"Aren't you feeling cold?" Charlie asked coming with a bag of clothes.

"A little."

"Come. See if any of those fit you. They're from the local thrift shop by the way."

"I've wore worse."

Charlie bought a simple jeans, two shirts, a flannel and boots. Really simple stuff just to protect Emil from the cold. It fit well.

"Thank you." He said.

"You're in debt, Mr Blonsky. Don't you forget that."

"You know magic." He chuckled, "I can't allow myself to have you as an enemy Ms Reznik."

They both laughed. Charlie sat at the table and started to type something on the computer.

"The feds are all over town." Charlie commented, "They're looking for you."

"Listen," he said, "I need to ask you a favor but first can I go for a walk?

***

Emil took a deep breath before jumping as high as he could. He could not see above the tall trees so he jumped again but grabbed one of the trees this time. Even with his bare hards, the wood bowed to his will. He kept climbing until he got to the highest part of the tree. From up there he could see the whole forest, including the trees he threw around the day before.

He jumped to the ground again. The snow splattered around him. His hands and knees started to bleed but he didn't care because he would break soon enough. He felt powerful and smiled without realizing it. Not a happy smile, bur rather a challenging one. Hey jumped a little before running in the direction of the destruction he caused. He started slow (more like jogging actually) but quickly escalated to marathon running and super human running. The cold wind cut his face like knifes but he didn't care. He just kept going faster.

When he finally reached the glade he jumped again. Even higher this time. When he landed his feet felt bigger. Breathing heavily he looked at his own hands and realized they were indeed getting bigger and muscled. Without wasting any breath he took off all his clothes and started running again. The cold started to bother him less and less as his body grew in size.

He started to scream so he could liberate his anger. He jumped high and landed with his fists causing the ground to crack bellow him. Emil grabbed a fallen tree and threw it to the air. He picked big boulders and threw them around at will. In the middle of the chaos he also started laughing. He was strong. He could destroy anything he wanted. He was as strong as he could be.

When Emil finally felt satisfied with his own display of power, he grabbed the trees and rearranged them back into the ground as best as he could. He picked the boulders and put them back where they were. So when the glade resembled the glade it once was, Emil sat on the ground next to his new clothes.

He started to think about everything Charlie said. Yes, he was big and could destroy everything is his way. But there were gods and aliens and robots and uncontable planets and entities across the universe. He was big and strong but he was also small and weak.

His strength though wasn't on his muscles but on his ability to survive. He survived his childhood, he survived the military and he survived the Hulk. Just like Charlie survived the snap and the aftermath. Like Charlie found new meaning in magic so could Emil find new paths to follow.

"I'm big and I'm small. I'm strong and I'm weak. I'm still here." Emil whispered to himself.

His body started to shrink calmly. Once he achieved regular size he wore his clothes and walked towards the cabin. Charlie smiled when he entered.

"Had fun?" She heard the screams obviously.

"Yeah actually. Thanks for everything."

"No problem. Remember, you're still in debt! So what favor do you need?"

"I need a portal but I also need an address. I believe you can find the person I'm looking for in the Sokovia accords database."

"Hm alright. What's the name?"

"Ava Starr."

[jackalopefreckles]

I feel like Ive aged at least 6 years since covid started. Im angrier. Less adapted to being outside then I used to be- which is saying a lot. This time last year I was?? Actually healthier mentally then I had ever been and looking forward to having the house alone for a month which?? Was the most freedom I wouldve ever had.

A lots fucking changed. I drove halfway across the country- all 30 hours at once with my big brother AND two elderly dogs, plus my cat. All animals on too many drugs (the vet said they couldnt overdose, and then failed to give any further instruction) cami peed on herself twice, unable to move. I had to waterboard her in Phoenix, a truly terrifying hell city where all the roads are raised and overlapping and its a hot as shit cause its?? What june?? Time was so fake this year I mustve just been stoned the whole time till I ran out of weed, and since moving its been a relief to be able to turn off the spinning anxious thoughts for a few hours

my big brother joined us. He brought a new dog with him which?? Is always a lot, plus I have this pack of dogs now cause the puppy wouldnt leave the super cancer ridden dog alone, and Im able to get her cbd regularly here, so shes always comfortable now instead of just?? Sometimes which is a lot nicer. We didnt think shed make it to chrisrmas. I thought shed die with me home alone to take care of everything, like always. It was almost a relief, I wouldn't have to coach my brother through the grieving process at least, and I had already finished. Its hard now even, for me to realize she might even have another christmas (but I wont hold my breath)

I feel safer going outside here then I did in Austin. I only went out a handful of times in texas, for the last few months I was ordering almost all groceries, and only going to the store once mask mandates were mandatory (theyre not anymore. Im so worried for texas. I missed a huge freeze by mere months. I dont think my elderly dogs wouldnt survived it. If I was alone with them, Im not sure I woudlve.

My parents took my brother to mexico with them. I begged them not to go, told them how irresponsible it was to travel across boarders. To visit an island and take all the plane germs with. I told them that even if my mom and brother were staying at home all day with me, my dad was still going to work and he didnt know what his coworkers were doing. That they wouldn't know what the people on the plane were doing. That at any point they could become the stupid americans that killed half an islands population.

They left a week after today last year. The boarders were closed the next day. Their friend has been traveling back and forth ever since. I have no idea how, except for the fact shes white and rich and wont hesitate to destroy a child, so I can only imagine how shed treat costomer service.

I will no longer allow this angry aggressive woman to ever make me feel bad, and I will allow myself to finally fight back. Im an adult, maybe not all the time (cause lets be real I'll always be a bit too eccentric for most) but when I get angry and allow myself that anger, it's not a bad thing. Anger doesn't have to make me feel like Ive done something wrong. Im usually very just in my actions, and I wont allow my parents influence to tell me all anger is misdirected and hurtful for reasons I couldnt understand. Its okay for me to be angry.

I think being alone with animals for months is at least reassuring that my childhood was unreasonable if nothing else. Which of course is a silly polite society term for pretty fucked, if nothing else.

My aunt had to gall to say weve had a good 2020 cause our family wasnt hurt, and I had to walk away from the zoom call. I haven't attempted communication with any of them since, not that I normally do. Of course none of us died, all rich old white people, most of them retired and able to stay home all day (not that all of them did, I learned about my grandfathers routine and just.. Im honestly surprised no one got it yet. Of course I knew from the beginning if anyone was gonna get it and die, it probably wouldve been me. Hence the 8 months of solitude before the move.

Was the move in August?? Im so unsure about time. Even with 2020 vision.

I tried to date when I moved here. Strictly on tinder. What was the point? On and off testosterone due to the wonders of texas, hadnt changed my body nearly as much as they should've a year after being on them. I look much more handsome now. Im also allowing myself to toss gender aside completely. He/him doesn't mean man, and they/them dont mean nonbinary, so why not mix them since Im?? Not really either.

It wasnt even a thought process like that to start. Much more "this is nice" which I think more gender should be allowed to be. Dont gotta be deep just comfortable.

I wont ever allow my parents to forget what they did. I ended up with three dogs I didnt want (I was so looking forward to not having any dogs) and I ended up taking care of my brother. Again. Its easier without my parents at least. Everything always is. My dogs are even happier. Cami finally isnt anxious 24/7. Again, a sad reminder my childhood wasn't great. Daisy is healthier. Trauma can be stored emotionally or with health issues, often both. I think the cancer dog getting better and?? Surviving and thriving so much longer then the vet said (how good was my old vet?) Is another unfortunate nail in thay proverbial coffin.

Im not as soft and openly loving. Im even more touch starved somehow. Harsher. I still want to choose love and compassion, but Im not letting myself fall into the trap of being so nice people wont be nice to you. Fighting back is something I wont feel shameful about, because it never stopped me from doing it completely anyway.

I was already reaching this on my own though. This was just more coffins, more nails. This didnt need to happen. We know our government let this happen. Its still letting it happen. Im not sure when Im getting my vaccine. My big brothers sick of quarentine and keeps trying to get us to go out. Sometimes I yield, and we go to a park, or the top floor of the parking garage. I get a vegan hotdog from nearby. We talk and laugh and were genuinely just. Boys being boys.

I shouldn't have to deal with parent shit anymore. I do though, especially since two out of three are unemployed and we can really only afford to live here cause of them (they owe me if anything though. Especially with my brother and these animals) I hope I can get a job soon. Or maybe even go back to school. Im lucky I had so much saved up (for top surgery, which I guess wont happen before Im 25 like I really tried for. I wouldve done it before now, but texas waitlists and rules kept holding me up. I literally went to an appointment in dallas, a 4 hour drive, just to found out the surgeon canceled on me for the second time)

Its incredibly depressing, and I know Im lucky to have had that stash. So many people didnt have anything and lost so much. People lost people. Half a million at this point. I remember when it got to 300,000 and I just?? Felt so awful it was so close to how many people we lost to AIDS. Its over that by so many now. It doesn't really stop, does it??

Is that catholic guilt?? Or maybe just irish guilt in general. Is it something I inherited or earned through all the end of the worlds and once in a lifetime recessions Ive been through. Im not sure how many off the top of my head, theyve been coming since I was so small and its always more and more. Im not even catholic anymore. I cant stop being irish though, even though the brits tried (and succeeded. Weve lost a lot. The current royal cotastrophy is bullshit as well, the only person who deserves a royal title is from Meniappolos

My home is decorate all inside for st patrick's day. My big brother loves it so Im going all out, and its def making me feel much more irish then usual (which is a lot Im over half)

I think I just wanted to say Im not the same. I hope I can still be happy an obnoxious is public. I wonder if I remember how

[sairenharia]

Why Chloe Does Things

‘She doesn't do good things to be altruistic, but to receive recognition.’

Which is true, but framing it as solely bad thing is completely ignoring the fact what recognition means for Chloe is Validation.

Chloe is very much a product of how she was raised. She had a father who was very busy and would give into her every little whim. She had a mother who could barely remember her name and was the kind of person who would tell Chloe the only thing of worth about her was her mother. In front of people important to Chloe and on TV after it was obvious she was having a breakdown. A mother who taught Chloe love was not unconditional, that you had to be exceptional AS A CHILD to have attention and love.

Does it make it right she’s been malicious and cruel? No, but it explains why she does what she does.

Much like Adrien’s own childhood explains much of how he is. Adrien has a hard time standing up for himself and others because rocking the boat could make his father upset. So he let’s Chloe be a bully for so long, and let Lila lie because Adrien was raised to NOT rock the boat by a controlling father who expected his son to be perfect. And what it’s made is a boy whose willing to sacrifice himself for others to the point it’s deeply worrying. He can be overbearing and entitled to Ladybug because that’s what he learned from his father. He doesn’t understand when people like him unless it’s stated because he hasn’t been around people. These are all traits he gained from his own toxic home, but because none of these things make him ‘lash out,’ he’s forgiven for a lot of it. And since Emilie is said to be kind, Adrien at least knew how to be nice and kind despite these flaws.

Chloe, however, is someone who grew up in a toxic home who learned to lash out. If someone is competing with something for what she wants? Her father has taught her to destroy her opponent. If someone does something to displease you? Her mother taught her to tear them down and get rid of them if possible. If there’s an obstacle in your way? Throw money and influence at it. Unconditional love does not exist. Chloe’s parents taught her to be rude and overbearing and aggressive, and if that doesn’t work, be sneaky and underhanded.

And what happens if someone isn’t like that? If they’re nice and step back and don’t demand attention?

Then they’re like Adrien, constantly denied things he wants. Or they’re servants, ordered around.

Everything in Chloe’s life has taught her to be aggressive and mean or else she will be walked over and ignored. For all Bustier may not be a good teacher for the rest of her students, she is right. Chloe needs to LEARN how to be a better person and to do that, she needs people to SHOW HER.

And unfortunately, no one’s been truly following through on the lessons.

Despair Bear. Adrien puts down his foot and Chloe tries to be nice. She decides to bring Tom to the party On Her Own. No Mister Cuddly, no butler, no Adrien. She decided this was a nice make up thing herself. And yes, she gets mean after, but that’s also the moment where Adrien should have told Chloe ‘hey, no, calm down,’ and Chloe would have most likely course corrected.

But even with that, Chloe’s rate of Akuma’s went down DRAMATICALLY. After having her cause most of the Akuma’s in the first season, to have her only causing a few afterwards, is extremely telling. It means she’s pulled back her hostility, and aggression. And while absence of cruelty isn’t kindness, it’s still an Improvement and a good one.

We have Zombizou and Chloe was acting out because she didn’t get a gift for a teacher she liked and it was pointed out how her mother didn’t remember her birthday. We saw her forget Adrien’s birthday too, this is clearly a kind of trauma for Chloe. And she acted out because of it. Then at the end, she sacrificed herself, and she took responsibility, and she apologized.

And most telling.

She gave Bustier a present. Moreover, she gave her a present and HID THE FACT SHE DID THIS. Bustier would be the one to know and no one else or so was her plan. This wasn’t Chloe doing a good thing to be recognized. She did a good thing because someone gave her love and validation and she wanted to show she CARED. 

With Style Queen, Chloe put herself in HARMS WAY for Adrien. She quick talked an Akuma, who she distracted and lead around to buy Ladybug time and safety. She tried to free Adrien. She had to deal with the fact her own mother may hurt her and she still did what good she could and was fairly effective at it. Because someone she cared about was in danger because she never even bragged about this. She didn’t talk about helping Ladybug, she didn’t even brag to Adrien. She didn’t seek recognition at all because it was about helping Adrien.

We have Queen Wasp and the whole ordeal is a mental nightmare for Chloe. We don’t even know what Chloe had PLANNED to do for the Miraculous. We don’t know if she always planned to reveal her identity, or if she planned to just show up at an Akuma attack, or anything. What we do know is she hadn’t planned to show herself then.

Chloe’s always had a problem with Marinette. For all Alya is the more aggressive of the two, it’s Marinette who gets under Chloe’s skin. Marinette basically gets everything Chloe wants no matter what she does. Which is nice from the viewer perspective to see, but Chloe sees it as Marinette stealing things that are her’s. To have Marinette in particularly get her mother’s attention, her admiration, to get an offer to come to New York to be her protege when Chloe hadn’t even been on a TRIP to VISIT...

Then to have her mother tell her she’s not exceptional at all, that she’s useless in her mind, of course she revealed she had the Miraculous because superheroes are exceptional. If she can be a superhero, then she has to be exceptional.

Chloe’s first run as Queen Bee wasn’t an attempt at fame and glory. It was a desperate plea to be loved, to be seen. She wanted to be approved. She wanted to be useful. To thing of note, Chloe has no growing pains. She knows to use the top, she doesn’t hesitate to run, she even knows her weapon works as a phone. She knew how to USE her powers which meant she learned what she needed to do.

And when she runs from Ladybug, we don’t see her mad once she’s alone. She’s sad. When she’s deakumatized, she’s sad. She begs to be given a chance. She’s in tears. Chloe’s mother hammers in that she’s not exceptional and she’s holding onto that Miraculous even more. Then Chat Noir and Ladybug show her kindness, they offer her understanding, and encouragement, and she hands it back and apologizes, even offering them a smile.

And when she’s alone, she’s upset and doesn’t want to see anyone because she’s hurt her mother doesn’t love her and she’s allowed to be hurt. It’s at this moment Chloe realized her mother wasn’t going to love her, but she had done the right thing. The heroes had approved of her even if her mother didn’t.

And what happens next?

Marinette brings Chloe to Audrey and then talks about how Chloe is exceptionally mean. Surprising Chloe then making her mad, saying she’s the worst person she’s ever met and a rock is more capable of love. So she gets mad.

And then Audrey finally acknowledges her. And she uses the fact Sabrina is her only friend as a bragging point, even though we know it HURTS her that no one likes her later. She’s doubling down on her behavior to get her mother’s approval and when she gets the hug, she looks so relieved to get it.

Chloe was ready to accept her terrible mother wouldn’t approve of her, but the superheroes did, and it could have been a moment to change, but then she’s encouraged to be exceptionally mean to impress her mother.

Much like the end of Zombizou where Chloe showed kindness to the one who gave her validation, after Queen Wasp, Chloe did what the person who gave her validation wanted. She became Exceptionally Mean.

Malediktator rolls around and while her documentary was vain and over the top, having her mistakes thrown in her face, and then having Marinette, Marinette who had HELPED WITH HER MOTHER, tell her off was probably a whiplash that Chloe wasn’t ready to deal with. Really, Alya and Alix had said just as much as Marinette, but it’s Marinette she focuses on. Then Chloe decides she wants to shut down the school and banish Marinette, which is extreme even for her. She’s usually for petty brands of nastiness and revenge, not life ruining levels. (Kung Food is the only one on that level, but it was also clear Chloe didn’t think it was a serious contest.)

And the fact she came in with Audrey, she probably complained to her, and they fed into a cycle of anger and meanness. Because Audrey gave Chloe validation, so Chloe listened and trusted her. But even when she couldn’t be mean, she just decides to leave. And when her father shows up Akumatized, promising her what she wants, she’s conflicted. Everything she wants, but her father is also an Akuma.

By the time she talks to Ladybug, Chloe gives in to tell the truth. It takes prompting, but she always struggles to admit the truth. Nobody likes her, she has no friends, she’s useless. Ladybug is a superhero and she serves a purpose. And by the end of the fight, she hands back the Miraculous without prompting, and is surprised by a fistbump. And the thing is, she’s not the one who goes out of her way to get the attention.

In fact, what she does do is decide she has to do things for herself. She has to clean up her lair.

Then Marinette throws a party together for Chloe. Chloe whose utterly shocked that she’s being celebrated. Chloe didn’t expect it, she didn’t arrange it, she didn’t do any of that, Marinette did.

And what Chloe learns is she’s given admiration, attention, and VALIDATION when she’s Queen Bee. Left alone, she would have cleaned up her lair, and feeling useful, like she helped Paris and her family. She was in a good place and I wouldn’t say the party hurt the progress she was waking on that front.

What it did do was encourage her bragging tendencies. She would bring up she’s Queen Bee more and more, she would brag, which had it’s pros and cons. On one hand, she was bragging a lot and seeking more importance than she really had. But on the other hand, she was also quick to act. She was getting protective of Sabrina and was quick to get somewhere that Ladybug could find her and recruit her. And when Chloe is Queen Bee, we see she’s on task and she’s quick to work with people.

When Chloe is being a superhero, she’s actually GOOD at the job. She adapts and focuses and is ready to do what she needs to. Braggy, sure, but she’s still doing GOOD.

And Miraculer happens and of course Chloe is hurt. Of course she lashes out. Because Ladybug doesn’t explain anything to Chloe. She let’s her hope longer and longer with no sign. Chloe is yet again ignored by someone she adores. She hopes that Ladybug still believes in her and will recruit her.

And Chloe says no to an Akuma. Because she believes in Ladybug. Because she wants to be a superhero. Because she wants recognition.

And this is where it’s a disservice to Chloe to treat recognition as a bad thing.

Because Chloe said NO. To an AKUMA. Because she wanted this recognition. This isn’t someone just wants to be popular, or have bragging rights. This is a need for recognition that overcame all of Chloe’s anger and resentment and fears. It was strong enough for Chloe to want to do this the RIGHT way.

This is Recognition in the need for Validation.

Validation is something humans need. Validation is necessary for humans to learn they have worth. Marinette in Origins needed Chat Noir to tell her she could be a hero because she’s already saved one life, he validated her as being able to do this by pointing out the positive effect she already had. She could only see her mistakes, she needed validation.

Adrien in Syren also needed validation. After having his partner lie to him and not explain anything, of course he doubted his worth, and he needed Plagg’s encouragement, for Plagg to say he had value before he started to believe he had worth. Adrien is minimizing his rebellion in hopes his father will validate him.

Chloe doesn’t have validation. Chloe sees herself as useless. Really think about it. It’s not that Chloe messes up or makes mistakes, it’s that she’s useless and has no purpose. That is a deep well of self deprecation there that Chloe covers up with hostility and arrogance because everytime she confronts those beliefs, she’s brought to tears.

She has a mother who barely paid attention to her. She had a father that spoils her rotten, and teaches her bad lessons. She learned to rely on that power to get what she wanted instead of earning what she got.

She never learned how to be a good person. She didn’t learn how to be empathic. She barely knows how to love.

But she wants to. She just doesn’t know how.

Because the people we see Chloe truly admire besides her mother are kind people. She adores Ladybug. We see her adore Adrien. Prince Ali is the only celebrity we’ve seen Chloe treat with admiration. These are kind people. These are the ones Chloe chooses to admire.

Chloe doesn’t do things with altruism because she doesn’t know HOW to. And no one is teaching her how to. Everytime she’s about to do something that would help her start to overcome emotional issues, things get in the way.

She is ready to give up on her mother and she’s encouraged to be exceptionally mean.

She accepts doing a good job as Queen Bee and is given a party. She’s given validation and appreciation that doesn’t depend on being mean.

Except then she can’t be Queen Bee. She tries to double down on that more then being mean because the only Akuma’s she causes after Queen Bee is Stormy Weather and Miraculer, and Stormy Weather reeks of her being terrified she can’t change. With arguably helping Animaestro and Gamer 2.0, but that was a fire already. Because what Chloe wants is to be Queen Bee.

Chloe wants to be USEFUL. And she uses it to gain attention because she can’t be Queen Bee, so she just has to convince everyone she’s still that awesome because if they believe it, maybe that will be close enough.

Chloe doesn’t have the tools to be altruistic. She doesn’t know how to do it, what it means, not really, and no one in her life is helping her. The only person to really push her to try is Adrien, but he isn’t enough of a force to try, and Ladybug is Marinette who still doesn’t want much to do with Chloe. Bustier and her Butler is too passive. Sabrina is a trashfire of a person.

The only way Chloe is going to change is because she gets the validation to encourage her to do so. Because humans NEED VALIDATION. Because validation is what let’s us learn how to think and relate to others. If a human doesn’t need validation, doesn’t need other people, then they see things just from what they want out of things.

Which may work if the person has a nice enough disposition, but more often it’ll result in a selfish asshole. Chloe tries to pretend she doesn’t need recognition or validation because she’s that awesome and amazing. A Chloe who truly does not seek out recognition just means Chloe is still Chloe except she doesn’t have crippling self doubts and a belief she’s useless.

Chloe does good for recognition. And once she’s given recognition, she repeats that behavior. When she repeats that behavior, she does good in the world. And if she does that enough, she will LEARN what is good, what is right.

Because right now, Chloe does one good thing, and then she’s left alone, or encouraged to do something directly counter to what else she’s just learned. She needs positive reinforcements, she needs positive influences, because no one becomes a good person in a void, especially if they were a bad person. They need good influences and no one is GIVING THAT TO HER.

She doesn’t need the Bee Miraculous back.

But she needs friends. Marinette may not owe Chloe to help her, but Adrien sure as hell does. Adrien has seen himself be a positive influence on Chloe and if he gave her encouragement, she’d improve. And if Marinette did commit more to helping Chloe be a better person, I think she could help to. Chloe was willing to work with Marinette. Hell, she let’s Marinette sit with her in the library unharrassed, there is potential there for Marinette to influence Chloe to help her learn.

Teasing her with a Miraculous and expecting her to suddenly know how to be a good person without any help is frankly unfair to a girl whose obviously extremely messed up and suffering extreme self esteem issues.

If she does good for recognition, then THERE IS STILL GOOD BEING DONE IN THE WORLD. And she is finally learning what it means to be good.

Saying Chloe has to be altruistic for her goodness to be valid undermines everyone whose ever struggled to be good because they didn’t know how to be. It tells kids that hey, if you’re not good for the RIGHT REASONS, then you might as well not even bother trying to be better at all. If you’re good because someone said good job, it DOESN’T COUNT, and you’re still a bad person.

No, that is not growth works. If you want Chloe to be good for the ‘right reasons,’ then you have to give her the chance to grow out of them and you can’t expect her to learn that on her own. She needs people for it. It’s like Bustier said, she needs the good examples because she’s responded well to those, only to have them snatched away before she had her feet under her.

LET CHLOE BE GOOD FOR RECOGNITION. Because she is desperate for validation and it’s a psychological human need. Then you build from THERE to make her a good person.

Because guess what, Thomas.

She’s goddamn fourteen years old and she has a lot of growing she needs to do and kids learn by being validated by the people they learn from.

[bumblbytrash]

My Just Right™️ Theory

So I know I’m not the only one who thinks Blake is Baby Bear. Or at least I hope I’m not alone.

I mean then again I literally never really see anyone else posting about it other than people reblogging my posts so fucking maybe.

But I’m really latched onto this head canon and y’all better buckle up cause I’ve got new thoughts to add to this crackpot theory.

Now, I’ve made a semi lengthy post about this already, which can be found here, and y’all should really go read that first bc I’m gonna gloss over what over already talked about and y’all will be confused. Now that post really only talks about Blake’s introduction as Baby Bear. But now I’ve got for y’all all the reasons how Blake fills the role of Baby Bear/ being Just Right™️ for Yang.

-

The first thing I wanna to clarify with y’all is the basics of Goldilocks and the three bears. Just cause I’m obv gonna talk about symbolism that I’m pulling from quite a lot and I want us all on the same page. So,

Goldilocks vs Papa Bear: porridge is too hot, bed is too stiff. Angry and mean, or passionate and protective.

Mama Bear: porridge is too cold, bed is too soft. Distant and bracing, or level headed and receptive.

But then Baby Bear’s stuff is Just Right™️. Y’all starting to get why I’ve also latched on to “Just Right™️”?

-

Second thing I’m gonna come right out and clarify is that yes. I am aware that Junior’s name means Baby Bear. Actually his name means Black Bear, the nickname Junior is what makes it Baby Black Bear. But I’m imagining the titles being a little flexible and applicable to multiple characters.

-

So cool, Yang fought two Ursai, one was “hot headed” and aggressive, attacked her up front. The other was a more “cool headed” passive one that watched at first, and the poof, Blake.

Baby Bear. But I wanna take it a step further. So let’s look at team RWBY

Papa Bear = Ruby. Yes I know, the Yang is far more hot headed and fiery than ruby but hear me out. In the scene immediately following Blake’s introductionas Baby Bear, we see Ruby rum into a situation without much thought. She makes a hot headed move to attack without double checking her surroundings and fucks up Weiss’ shot. Then, in the ensuing argument, Ruby loses her temper and cuts down a tree. That’s some pretty hot porridge right there.

Mama Bear = Weiss. I means come on, she’s literally called the ice queen. In the scene after Blake’s introduction as Baby Bear, Weiss is shown being ice cold and honestly a total bitch. She’s literally standing there surrounded by beowolves, slowly going down a check list. I’m not here to say that proper form isn’t important but woman. Don’t wait for the second ice age. Then after Ruby beats her to the punch she starts an argument and she’s really cold. Saying to Ruby that no, she’s not perfect but she’s leagues better than her. That porridge is FROZEN.

Baby Bear = Blake. Y’all. Do I even have to say it? They’re literally perfect for each other. Blake is Just Right™️ in so many ways. Blake’s the person that Yang has the deepest connection with. Blake’s the one who laughs/smiles the most at Yang’s stupid jokes or really even just at Yang because she’s there. Yang strives for Blake’s approval, she immediately tears up and visibly breaks down the second it seems like Blake doesn’t trust/believe her. And when Blake asks Yang to promise to her specifically, in return for Blake’s trust, Yang doesn’t even hesitate for a second. Makes eye contact and promises. Blake’s also like, the only person to show worry or concern over Yang in a fight. Then, after being separated from each other for around a year, they just fall back into sync as it nothing ever kept them apart. Sure, they had a bump of two I’m looking at you apathy barn but they were just that bumps that’s they got over in a snap.

I mean shit, even the color scheme lines up for team RWBY.

Next we get to look at our in-world family of bears: The Belladonna’s

Kali Belladonna. Y’all look at this sweet bean and tell me she isn’t the softest Mama Bear to ever soft.

Kali Belladonna isn’t ice cold in the way that Weiss is, she’s more cool and soft. She does silly things, teases her daughter about the boy that followed her home and doesn’t hesitate for a second to wrap her daughter up in a bear hug.

And damn if Ghira Belladonna isn’t intimidating as all shit

Ghira Belladonna is a damned force to be reckoned with. This man is the very definition of a hot headed, protective Papa Bear. Y’all cannot convince me other wise if you tried.

The Belladonna’s are admittedly a fav and I’m really just including them cause I can and it fits sooooooooo. Moving on:

So the last thing I wanna talk to y’all about is Yang’s abandonment issues. How we’ve seen it played out in the show and how it fits into my Baby Bear!Blake theory. And yes, I know this is reaching. Like shit, my spine popped, I was reaching so far up to this shelf but hear me out.

Yang has canonically been abandoned 3 times.

The first time was her birth mother, Raven Branwen.

Now we can only speculate on why Raven really left. Yang also, has no idea why Raven left, a fact that hit us over the head in V2. So for Yang’s entire life (tho she got some closure in V5) Yang has just built up bitterness and anger toward her mother. “How dare she leave, how could she just go, abandon her family like that.”

The second time was Summer Rose. But Summer didn’t chose to leave.

I mean yes she chose to leave for the mission, but she fully planned on returning. She was killed. The was a fight, a slip up, an accident, and Summer couldn’t make it back home. Yang more than likely spent her years wishing that maybe she or Tai or Qrow or anyone would have just gone with her, made sure that Summer was alright. Summer didn’t leave, she was taken away inexplicably and Yang would have felt sad. Lost and cold without her mother’s guidance.

The third time was Blake. And yes, our baby girl fucked up when she left, I’m not here to deny that.

So during the fall of beacon, Yang finds Blake on the ground under Adam who has just stabbed her. Keep in mind, Yang has spent the majority of her life wishing she or literally any one could have been there to save Summer. Wishing that someone could have prevented her loved one from being ripped away from her. And now, Blake is about to be killed in front of Yang’s very eyes.

Y’all damn know she flipped her shit. She is CRYING as she launches herself at Adam, so blinded by her need to make to Blake, to be there in time, to save her life. Y’all also know that she failed, pretty miserably in fact. But Blake didn’t care. She only cared that Yang had come at all, and was upset with herself for having brought Yang into her world of trauma. So she left. She left because she thought that that would protect Yang.

What’s different about Blake leaving is that she’s the only person who actually chose Yang. Sure the message didn’t come across to Yang right away, but that’s what happened. Blake chose Yang’s safety over her own safety, well being, and happiness.

And I know, I know, that what t probably hurt Yang more than anything was that Blake chose to leave her behind, like Raven had. Yang ultimately made her peace with Summer because that was out of anyone’s control. But Blake? We see in volume 5 we see that Yang is very VERY upset that Blake left. When Ruby tells Yang she wishes Blake was with them, Yang lashes out. Ruby pushed farther, prying, trying to force Yang into wanting Blake there and Yang snaps, of only for a moment.

Her eyes burn red and she is LIVID. Yang eventually gets up and sulks in her room while carressing Blake’s image in a group photo. And then, enter Weiss. Weiss says nothing as she enters the room. Just sits and lets Yang rant. Once Yang’s down Weiss speaks. Talks about her own traumas and her own family issues. And finally talks to Yang and convinces her to try and see things from Blake’s perspective.

I mean shit. The poor girl did her absolute best to remain distant, to keep her secrets, to keep her past away from the rest of them. But she opened up to Yang, they became very close friends and at some point (I’m looking at you Burning the Candle) it became a little more flirtatious and romantic. Then with all this going on, Adam appears of literally nowhere and maimes the one person in all of Beacon that Blake has truly opened up to. And like let’s not fucking forget that Blake is also the only person we see Yang open up to. I mean we see her open up to Weiss, but she’s literally opening up about her pain from Blake leaving soooooooo.

The last thing that sets Blake apart in this cycle of the three bears, and the reason why she gets to be Baby Bear/ Just Right™️ is because BLAKE CAME BACK.

This girl, who is notorious for running from her problems, to the point that her semblance which is an extension of her own soul, is literally a mechanism to run away, SHE CAME BACK.

Blake came back to Yang. And she’s promised she’s never going anywhere again. And Yang believes her, Yang trusts her, and y’all can damn well believe Yang LOVES her.

So yea. Blake’s Baby Bear. She’s Just Right™️ for Yang. Try and change my mind. You can’t.

This post has gotten really long, and I do have more thoughts, but maybe in another post cause again, this is already a fucking full length essay.

For y’all who wanted to be tagged:

@sunnydragonqueen @yeehawyang @AG_Nonsuch

[diivinitiies]

→ headcanon: jae-ha’s ptsd.

i remember mentioning a million years ago how i was gonna try to write out something about how jae-ha’s mind works and basically the influence that his childhood abuse ( which was physical and mental // emotional ) had on him. so here is an attempt to expand on it a little more. idk i probably will edit this more as time goes on but i wanted to post this here really for my own reference.

jae-ha has complex ptsd ( with psychosis ) given that it was chronic abuse ( happened over a period of 12 years ). he didn’t have many of the protective factors either — he was socially and physically isolated, and his abuser was really his only point of contact ( though i often mention garou as his sole abuser, the villagers were also complicit in this abuse, and really the purveyor of it ). his mental d/o is undiagnosed, even in his modern verse ( since he had no interest in going to therapy & refused to ). i’ll split this up into childhood and adulthood manifestations because while he hasn’t “gotten over it” he has shifted in the symptoms he primarily experiences. his coping mechanisms into adulthood make the existence of these issues more subtle, but sometimes he does experience the other ( childhood ) symptoms, just less frequently than when he was younger & usually brought on by a trigger. just fyi, jae-ha will probably never really speak about this in its entirety, especially the hallucinations.

CHILDHOOD // TEENAGE YEARS

paranoia // distrust // hypervigilance — constantly on edge around others, didn’t really want to stay in one place // he was constantly on the run thinking that the villagers would be after him, even long after he left // he was often distrustful of the intentions of others after garou died and he lived on the streets // he had to deal with people who wished to use him & his powers for his own benefit even outside of his childhood home and that further cemented his distrust in those around him

anxiety surrounding being touched — usually manifesting as initial flinch // recoil // disgust reflex due to an expectation of pain. might have reacted violently to it as well, depending on how someone touched him ( if it was a harsh touch, he’d respond likewise ) // he’s likely to be more hesitant around men than women

flashbacks — an almost constant thing // mostly it was garou’s voice echoing in his mind but at night this turned to nightmares of him being chained again or used for his powers

insomnia — to avoid the nightmares that plagued his sleep, he’d often just stay up to try to avoid it, resulting in many sleepless nights // he’d often have trouble falling asleep and staying asleep

hallucinations — auditory, visual, & tactile // seeing ghosts // feeling the weight of chains on his wrists and ankles though they were no longer there // hearing garou’s voice echoing in his mind or the sounds of chains at night or at other unspecified times

panic // anxiety attacks — these could come out of nowhere or actually have a trigger ( usually being touched, having arrows aimed at him, threatened to be shot down ) // when confronted with dangerous situations, he’d hyperventilate, start to think he was going to die, etc.

angry and violent outbursts — could come from being touched or from feeling powerless // if he wasn’t progressing as he thought he should, it irritated him // when he couldn’t block garou’s voice from his mind, he would lash out // sometimes his anxiety & panic attacks could turn into outbursts of violence

withdrawal // isolation — avoided getting close to people // as a child, he would keep people at a distance through more aggressive mannerisms // in modern, this was a big reason why he refused to go into the adoption system — if his own blood didn’t want him, who would ? garou always told him that no one would want him.

internalization of negative assumptions — he was always told he couldn’t fit in // he was a monster // no one would accept him and this added to his tendency to withdraw from others out of the fear that he would be rejected or other expectations of pain // he also experienced immense guilt for leaving garou behind and for stealing his life away // often times he did believe that he deserved the abuse that he got

risky behaviors — included stealing // drugs // general recklessness

dysphoria — just general feeling or state of unhappiness, often pervasive

ADULTHOOD

fetis..hization of pain instead of anxiety surrounding it — so he basically reconditioned himself to think differently about being touched to lessen his discomfort surrounding it // masochism can be used as a coping mechanism, in a way it’s taking control; jae-ha had no control over the pain that he experienced as a child, but re-framing it in a consensual context helps him come to terms with abuse

memory repression — avoids thinking about anything to do with his past abuse at all but certain things can make him remember and cause him to withdraw ( usually he makes jokes about the subject, tries to brush it off, and then withdraws completely if the subject is pushed // may get angry tbh )

claustrophobia and cleithrophobia – basically caused by his fear of being tied down without escape or enclosed in small spaces, and this can trigger panic attacks // flashbacks // this can also trigger his anxiety, and if he’s trapped long enough, starts to have these fears of death or nightmares about dying // feelings of powerlessness or hopelessness can overwhelm him // he had this when he was younger too and it carried over

withdrawal // isolation — in short, he has highly developed social skills that preclude vulnerability // instead of being reserved or aggressive as he was when he was a child, he comes off as friendly and open, but he does have many mental walls up // he shies away from emotional intimacy, but is fine with physical intimacy // in a way he can… kind of sabotage his own relationships because he has these internalized negative views, which is one of the reasons he shies away from commitment and tells himself he’s fine with being alone ( but he craves acceptance and intimacy ) // he over regulates his emotions a lot of the time, not allowing himself to feel certain things because he doesn’t want to return to the anger and recklessness of his youth

internalization of negative assumptions about himself — such as being a monster, ugly, undeserving, never going to fit in, etc. — but instead of believing them outwardly, he over compensates by putting an emphasis on beauty, his appearance, independence, and freedom, convincing himself he’s better off alone instead of people don’t want me // his over confidence masks his insecurities

self-medication — not saying he’s an alcoholic, but will turn to it in order to escape the discomfort of the present // in modern verses, he uses drugs like weed and smoking cigarettes for that, along with alcohol still // he has used harder drugs before but that was in his youth

tendency towards protection — he’s very protective of others who he may or may not consider weaker and it’s because he doesn’t want people to experience what he has, basically

insomnia — not as bad as when he was younger, but he can still find it difficult to fall or stay asleep; his sleep habits really aren’t the best even as an adult // he does still have nightmares, though less frequent than in his childhood

dysphoria — certain reminders of the tragic event can trigger a general drop in his mood that may last a while

hypervigilance — manifesting more as keen perception than paranoia, since he has a better handle on it // he is very aware of people’s nonverbal cues, facial expressions, tone, etc. and he is very aware of his surroundings

chronic pain — dull aches and pains usually around his wrist and ankles // he’ll get bad migraines // can manifest in other areas of his body, but the aforementioned areas are the most common // honestly he barely notices the pain anymore

thoughts jae-ha has had regarding his trauma:

maybe my trauma wasn’t bad enough // maybe it was my fault // he was abused too, it wasn’t his fault // i shouldn’t still be angry // i let him die, i was killing him, i deserved it, i’m guilty // garou’s right, i’m a monster // if they realize i’m a monster, will they still accept me? // if i wasn’t a monster it wouldn’t have happened // it doesn’t matter if i get hurt, as long as no one else does, and i’m used to it // no one will accept me, i’m a monster // i shouldn’t bee feeling this way // i can’t let anyone know how i feel // i’m a monster, monster, monster // garou should’ve killed me

[michael-and-bots]

FNAF character headcanons for my AU!

This is for my personal AU for what I think happens in the FNAF timeline+more! Click under the cut to see everyone!

Humans

Michael Afton: Mostly just Done and Tired. He’s easy to anger and upset(who wouldn’t be in his state?), but he really is a good dude. It’s just kinda hard being a walking corpse man with trauma so intense that no therapist would believe you. He also has no one except for Jeremy and Scott(phone guy), who both have their own shit to deal with. He COULD consider the animatronics his friends, but that’s kinda hard when they try to kill him every night. Has the life goal of ending what his father began.

William Afton: GROSS BOY!! He’s not a stereotypical maniac killer, he’s a genius, and isn’t afraid to to flaunt that, but his utter lack of empathy is what makes him not feel any remorse for what he does, and his lack of care for anything but himself and genuine curiosity of what happens when you die is what drove him to murder. He’s awful. (See more: Springtrap)

Elizabeth Afton: Cheerful, curious, and adventurous. She’s much like her father in these ways, however she has more empathy and wishes to help people, however she’s not afraid to place herself before others. Around eight years old before death. (See more: Baby)

Cassidy Afton: Shy, hesitant, and introverted. He very quiet when around strangers, and still quiet when around family. He has a lot going on in his head- a giant imagination, something he gets from his father. He often gets dragged along by his twin sister on adventures. Around eight years old before death. (See more: Golden Freddy)

Mrs. Afton: Quiet and kinda a doormat. She loves singing and often sings to her children or to herself. She is kinda scared of William, but genuinely cares about him and tries everything she can to make him happy. Committed suicide after her first child died and her husband refused to give her comfort. (See more: Ballora)

Jeremy: This Boy Has No Fear And Someone Must Stop Him. He obviously can’t get a job in his condition of, Yknow, lacking a frontal lobe? Luckily, Scott took him in and they’ve been living together for the most part!! Jeremy would get into a lot of trouble while Scott was at work until Michael eventually moved in as well. Making sure Jeremy didn’t follow any dumb fucking impulse was like a day shift, but he didn’t mind it too much. Jeremy does care about people and things and does have a will to live, he just completely forgets that stuff when he gets distracted and interested by something that would usually make someone take off running.

Scott(Phone Guy): Nervous twink. Has been working in the establishment for a LONG ASS TIME! He’s pretty sketchy and kinda a compulsive liar, mostly out of fear of William, even after the guys dead. He is literally constantly trying to get Michael and Jeremy to Not Do The Thing.

Henry: Big ol happy bear guy! For awhile, at least. After Charlie died and all the things happened with William, he lost his will to live. Design and engineering was no longer fun to him after someone he grew up with and cared about shattered everything about them in his face with a trail of bloody child murders. Rather sketchy and vague. Deeply cares about his mission to end this as much as Michael does. Charlie: A kind-hearted little girl adopted by Henry. She’s the mom friend- someone who tries to make sure everyone’s happy and tries her best to make sure everything’s okay. She was best friends with Elizabeth before she was killed. Around eight years old before death. (See more: Marionette)

Animatronics

Freddy: Stoic, leader-like, quiet, very reclusive and tries to hide just about anything emotional.

Bonnie: nervous and twitchy, but kinda clever in a way? He'll like drop his guitar or something while muttering "shit. Fuck. Fuck. Dammit. This shits slipping like my guts did through That Bitch Williams hands.." and then get whacked in the back of the head by the others. Hates his body and doesn’t like to be stared at.

Chica: Very soft gal! She doesn’t really take many things seriously? She screams a lot and cusses like a sailor even when being nice. She's very motherly though and adores the kids.

Foxy: little shit garbage boy. Very unstable and emotional and emo. He hides in his cove and when he's not hiding he's being a little shit by making fun of everyone. Twitches a lot. Bonds with Bonnie well cause they joke about their trauma. "This here pizzas worse than that fuckin' kids skull, Chica. Did ya even cook the shit? I'll go Gordon Ramsay on yar ass, I swear it." (Even tho he didn’t cause the bite- though tbh I feel like he pretends to have some psychic twin connection with Mangle for some dumb reason)

Toy Freddy: "listen, man. I'm not possessed by any fucking kids. I'm just here to do my job. And eat pizza."

Toy Bonnie: "> : 3 c"

Toy Chica: Very flirty and chipper, far sweeter than normal chica. While og chica will fight someone if they insult her, Toy Chica will just cry or smth imo.

Mangle: "!!!!!!!!!BARK!!!!!!!!!!!!!BALL????????????????H????????!!!!$!$&&;&;!:7374:${£}£|\+!!!!!!!!!!!!"(literally haunted by a dog. no one can really understand them except for Chica or sometimes Foxy. However, they use sign language to communicate to everyone else.)

Golden Freddy/Fredbear: Goes by Goldie. Far more childish than someone would expect. Hates his reflection. Very rarely shows up because of his fear of the other animatronics, even though he's aware they're also kids possessing them. Don’t ask how he functions in an empty suit, he doesn’t know either. (See more: Cassidy Afton).

Marionette: Goes by “Em”. An Absolute Mom. She takes care of everyone in the restaurant and looks after them. She was overprotective at first, but when the re-opened building closed after The Bite she lost that bloodlust and was fine with hiding away with Goldie, especially since he’s very lonely and doesn’t panic looking at her. She also feels rather bad for Michael, and would never kill anyone EXCEPT for William. Very close with Baby. (See more: Charlie)

Springtrap: Absolute sweetheart!!!! Baby boy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Wouldn't harm a fly!!!!!!! Most the time. His connection with Williams soul is different than everyone else? While they kinda fused(??) with their animatronics cause the puppet gave em life, Springtrap is still his own bot but very often possessed by William, who is of course fucking awful. mostly a mute due to his broken down voice box and his fear of talking in general due to so many years alone with just Williams soul(see more: William Afton).

Baby: She’s kinda a little shit? She seems quiet and polite but her very soft-spoken voice says some alarming things or just straight up insults. She’s rather clever and can easily outsmart practically everyone. She doesn’t seem to be very bothered by her death unlike everyone else. After getting kicked out by Ennard, her endoskeleton literally hangs out in the back alley way- or even the kitchen of Freddy’s. Often talks to Em. (see more: Elizabeth Afton).

Ballora: Mom friend, or more like literal mom, in a sense. Ballora is possessed by Mrs. Afton, and is rather aggressive in a way that is vague if you catch my drift. She has a love/hate relationship with William, which is a very common symptom of abuse(see more: Mrs. Afton).

Funtime Freddy: ABSOLUTE CHAOTIC DUMBASS. (used to be shocked the most out of everyone else- eventually it damaged his hard drive and made him more chaotic. They had to hook him off of the controlled shock treatment to prevent him from over frying.)

Funtime Foxy: attention whore. Enjoys being a dumb shithead just like Ft Freddy, but takes the fact that he used to be a child and was killed by the person enslaving them more seriously.

Ennard: An amalgamation of Baby, Ballora, and FT Freddy and Foxy. It’s a little chaotic shit, and has this fake crush on Michael, and enjoys making fun of his pain.

Molten Freddy: Ennard, but without Baby. After Baby was kicked out, both Ballora and Ft Foxy were too submissive to take her place as the one in charge, so Ft Freddy took control, which wasn’t a very good idea. Molten Freddy is very chaotic and loud, as well as twitchy and dangerous. Ennard's slight attachment towards Michael was replaced by pure love for seeing him suffer- but more just disinterest in general.

[jaxyu-a]

→ headcanon: jae-ha’s ptsd.

i remember mentioning a million years ago how i was gonna try to write out something about how jae-ha’s mind works and basically the influence that his childhood abuse ( which was physical and mental // emotional ) had on him. so here is an attempt to expand on it a little more. idk i probably will edit this more as time goes on but i wanted to post this here really for my own reference.

jae-ha has complex ptsd ( with psychosis ) given that it was chronic abuse ( happened over a period of 12 years ). he didn’t have many of the protective factors either — he was socially and physically isolated, and his abuser was really his only point of contact ( though i often mention garou as his sole abuser, the villagers were also complicit in this abuse, and really the purveyor of it ). his mental d/o is undiagnosed, even in his modern verse ( since he had no interest in going to therapy & refused to ). i’ll split this up into childhood and adulthood manifestations because while he hasn’t “gotten over it” he has shifted in the symptoms he primarily experiences. his coping mechanisms into adulthood make the existence of these issues more subtle, but sometimes he does experience the other ( childhood ) symptoms, just less frequently than when he was younger & usually brought on by a trigger. just fyi, jae-ha will probably never really speak about this in its entirety, especially the hallucinations. 

CHILDHOOD // TEENAGE YEARS

paranoia // distrust // hypervigilance — constantly on edge around others, didn’t really want to stay in one place // he was constantly on the run thinking that the villagers would be after him, even long after he left // he was often distrustful of the intentions of others after garou died and he lived on the streets // he had to deal with people who wished to use him & his powers for his own benefit even outside of his childhood home and that further cemented his distrust in those around him

anxiety surrounding being touched — usually manifesting as initial flinch // recoil // disgust reflex due to an expectation of pain. might have reacted violently to it as well, depending on how someone touched him ( if it was a harsh touch, he’d respond likewise ) // he’s likely to be more hesitant around men than women

flashbacks — an almost constant thing // mostly it was garou’s voice echoing in his mind but at night this turned to nightmares of him being chained again or used for his powers

insomnia — to avoid the nightmares that plagued his sleep, he’d often just stay up to try to avoid it, resulting in many sleepless nights // he’d often have trouble falling asleep and staying asleep

hallucinations — auditory, visual, & tactile // seeing ghosts // feeling the weight of chains on his wrists and ankles though they were no longer there // hearing garou’s voice echoing in his mind or the sounds of chains at night or at other unspecified times

panic // anxiety attacks — these could come out of nowhere or actually have a trigger ( usually being touched, having arrows aimed at him, threatened to be shot down ) // when confronted with dangerous situations, he’d hyperventilate, start to think he was going to die, etc.

angry and violent outbursts — could come from being touched or from feeling powerless // if he wasn’t progressing as he thought he should, it irritated him // when he couldn’t block garou’s voice from his mind, he would lash out // sometimes his anxiety & panic attacks could turn into outbursts of violence

withdrawal // isolation — avoided getting close to people // as a child, he would keep people at a distance through more aggressive mannerisms // in modern, this was a big reason why he refused to go into the adoption system — if his own blood didn’t want him, who would ? garou always told him that no one would want him.

internalization of negative assumptions — he was always told he couldn’t fit in // he was a monster // no one would accept him and this added to his tendency to withdraw from others out of the fear that he would be rejected or other expectations of pain // he also experienced immense guilt for leaving garou behind and for stealing his life away // often times he did believe that he deserved the abuse that he got

risky behaviors — included stealing // drugs // general recklessness 

dysphoria — just general feeling or state of unhappiness, often pervasive 

ADULTHOOD

fetis..hization of pain instead of anxiety surrounding it — so he basically reconditioned himself to think differently about being touched to lessen his discomfort surrounding it // masochism can be used as a coping mechanism, in a way it’s taking control; jae-ha had no control over the pain that he experienced as a child, but re-framing it in a consensual context helps him come to terms with abuse

memory repression — avoids thinking about anything to do with his past abuse at all but certain things can make him remember and cause him to withdraw ( usually he makes jokes about the subject, tries to brush it off, and then withdraws completely if the subject is pushed // may get angry tbh )

claustrophobia and cleithrophobia – basically caused by his fear of being tied down without escape or enclosed in small spaces, and this can trigger panic attacks // flashbacks // this can also trigger his anxiety, and if he’s trapped long enough, starts to have these fears of death or nightmares about dying // feelings of powerlessness or hopelessness can overwhelm him // he had this when he was younger too and it carried over 

withdrawal // isolation — in short, he has highly developed social skills that preclude vulnerability // instead of being reserved or aggressive as he was when he was a child, he comes off as friendly and open, but he does have many mental walls up // he shies away from emotional intimacy, but is fine with physical intimacy // in a way he can… kind of sabotage his own relationships because he has these internalized negative views, which is one of the reasons he shies away from commitment and tells himself he’s fine with being alone ( but he craves acceptance and intimacy ) // he over regulates his emotions a lot of the time, not allowing himself to feel certain things because he doesn’t want to return to the anger and recklessness of his youth 

internalization of negative assumptions about himself — such as being a monster, ugly, undeserving, never going to fit in, etc. — but instead of believing them outwardly, he over compensates by putting an emphasis on beauty, his appearance, independence, and freedom, convincing himself he’s better off alone instead of people don’t want me // his over confidence masks his insecurities 

self-medication — not saying he’s an alcoholic, but will turn to it in order to escape the discomfort of the present // in modern verses, he uses drugs like weed and smoking cigarettes for that, along with alcohol still // he has used harder drugs before but that was in his youth 

tendency towards protection — he’s very protective of others who he may or may not consider weaker and it’s because he doesn’t want people to experience what he has, basically

insomnia — not as bad as when he was younger, but he can still find it difficult to fall or stay asleep; his sleep habits really aren’t the best even as an adult // he does still have nightmares, though less frequent than in his childhood

dysphoria — certain reminders of the tragic event can trigger a general drop in his mood that may last a while

hypervigilance — manifesting more as keen perception than paranoia, since he has a better handle on it // he is very aware of people’s nonverbal cues, facial expressions, tone, etc. and he is very aware of his surroundings 

chronic pain — dull aches and pains usually around his wrist and ankles // he’ll get bad migraines // can manifest in other areas of his body, but the aforementioned areas are the most common // honestly he barely notices the pain anymore

thoughts jae-ha has had regarding his trauma: 

maybe my trauma wasn’t bad enough // maybe it was my fault // he was abused too, it wasn’t his fault // i shouldn’t still be angry // i let him die, i was killing him, i deserved it, i'm guilty // garou’s right, i’m a monster // if they realize i’m a monster, will they still accept me? // if i wasn’t a monster it wouldn’t have happened // it doesn’t matter if i get hurt, as long as no one else does, and i’m used to it // no one will accept me, i’m a monster // i shouldn’t bee feeling this way // i can’t let anyone know how i feel // i’m a monster, monster, monster // garou should’ve killed me

[bellaciaobitch]

ESCAPAR

Summary: AU | Raquel decides to stay with Sergio instead of visiting Angel in the hospital, afraid she will get arrested in the process. So she ends up escaping with the gang and has to learn how to live as a fugitive.   [AO3] [spirit]

Chapter 5 - Daños colaterales

Raquel opened slowly her eyes to see the dark blurred silhouettes of armchairs. She blinked a few times but the huge headache throbbing in her brain made it difficult to find something familiar in such a foreign place. It took her a few minutes to recognize she was inside an airplane, laid in one of the first class seats, covers warming her from shoulders to toes. The lights were down and the night outside was dark and cloudy, the moonlight hidden behind a heavy shadow. It looked like the scene from a horror movie where the curious cop dies because she put her nose where she shouldn’t. She swallowed, a bad feeling making her heart pound in her chest.

Slowly, just like waves in the sea, the memories of what happened the days before popped up in her mind. One by one, they created form behind her eyelids, shaping painful moments she preferred not to remember. First the five angsty days of heist, then the way the world stopped spinning when she found out about Serios's double identity. She remembered the agonizing phone call with Angel, the uncertainty of the escape, the epic scene she did on the dock, and finally the knock on the head. Raquel touched her forehead softly and felt little stitches just above her eyebrow, wondering if it would leave a scar.

Suddenly an avalanche of doubts hit her, and Raquel felt scared when she didn’t found Sergio anywhere. Where was he? Where she was going? And why? Did the thieves got arrested? Did he got hurt? Did he…?

Raquel sat in the armchair and took a few deep breaths, trying to avoid a possible panic attack. She began to rationalize and pondered the possibility that he had left her on the first plane back to Madrid, just to get rid of her. Considering everything, probably 68% chance. And if her math was correct, she must have hurt his feelings really, she concluded, but it was still better than losing him forever.

There, in the dark, Rachel felt exactly like when she was married to Alberto: alone, helpless and terrified. And she hated it. She hated being the victim, but most of all, she hated how much she needed Sergio there. Because, after everything that happened between them, Raquel could not continue telling herself that she did not want him.

Because she wanted him. Badly.

And that feeling as was a good reason for her to get rid of the covers and stand up, ignoring the alarming pain in her temples. The inspector slowly crept up on the corridor of the plane, trying to look for him through the nearest seats. But she not only didn’t find him but nobody else. The plane was completely empty and when Raquel was almost reaching the cabin of the pilot, a whispered voice startled her.

“You’re awake” Sergio noticed and she turned around to face him. He had changed clothes and finally Raquel noticed that so did she. Him in a ripped jeans and flannel shirt,— too messy for his meticulous organized manners — and she in a summer dress. Disguises for the police, she deduced. And when she imagined Sergio undressing and dressing her sleepy self, her cheeks flushed immediately.

Raquel looked at him from head to toe frowning, bareilly registering the fact that he was alive when her view became dizzy again and her knees failed.

“Hey, careful!” he warned and quickly got her in the air, supporting her weight before she hitted the floor. Sergio helped her get back to her seat without looking too much inside her eyes. Raquel noticed, but didn’t comment. She felt a weird guilty cooking in her belly and wanted to apologize for whatever reckless thing she made. But she refrained, still with a lot of questions circling her mind that couldn’t wait until she was in a better state.

“How long I sleeping...?” she had a few difficulties to come up with a proper question but he didn’t seem to mind.

“A little less than ten hours” he answered, seating in front of her and she found herself missing his touch. “The doctor said it’s normal in patients with a concussion. You needed a few stitches in that cut in your head but if you rest properly, you will feel better soon.”

“I can’t rest until I know where we are” she offered, looking around again “or where are we going”.

Sergio sighed and took off his glasses to wipe them with the flannel shirt. "Our first stop is in Switzerland. I need to ... solve problems." He hesitated for a moment, but decided to stay quiet, making her eyebrows furrow even more.

“And the thieves?” she tried.

"I sincerely do not know." He answered in a cold tone. "And as long as we keep this way, it will be better. They will be safe "

From cops like you, he wanted to complete, but didn’t meant to be so rude.

Sergio averted her eyes, looking seriously at the small window of the plane. Raquel didn’t know much about him, but noticed right from the start that he was shy and preserved with his emotions. Unlike the professor, she could not imagine Sergio screaming in anger, making a big scene or being aggressive. He had an expression in his face that was difficult to read, something between calm and disinterest, but the woman could see that he shivered a little. And the short answers, the cold tone and the distant eyes gave all the information she needed. He was hurt. And it was because of her.

Raquel suddenly wanted to cry but bravely hold on the tears. His sudden rejection and disinterest somehow caused her more pain then the bruises Alberto used to left on her skin and even the possibility that she might have lost his love made her dizzy again. She didn’t realized how much her inconscient needed affection until he took it away from her and she felt weak and vulnerable.  After all, she didn’t escaped with them just because of the fear of being arrested. That was far worse than if he would have left her in a plane back home, as she imagined.

The truth was that Raquel had always known how to be the heroine. She could not imagine how horrible it was to be on the other side of the line, to be the one who ruined everything on purpose, to save her own skin. Being a villain was never in her plans and she refused to believe he was framing her in this category. Because even if she had betrayed his confidence - just as Sergio had done with her before - she wouldn’t have to make that scene if he wasn’t trying to ruin her life by making her fall in love with the biggest thief in Spain. And, well, even after everything they been through, they still cared about each other’s well-beings and proved everyday that they shared deep feelings for the each other. So the two of them should be even after all. Right?

Her mind then started to work as a rotten machine, placing together conflicting feelings and trying to build more than one thought at a time but not finishing none.

“Sergio, I-“ Raquel stopped, closing her eyes and exhaling the air. She didn’t even know if she was really supposed to say sorry. After all, she was thinking about herself! She had that right, after all the insanity he put her through. But the crushing guilty didn’t left her beating heart. The inspector felt too tired. Tired of thinking, loving, suffering, refraining, trying to understand and demanding explanations. Because all this was loaded with an overwhelming intensity, characteristic of Raquel Murillo, and a weight that her shoulders could no longer carry. Raquel wished she didn’t have to feel so much, all the time. She felt the words disappear on his lips, his vision coming in and out of focus.

Sergio turned his worried look back to her.  “You’re must be dehydrated” he interrupted, standing up again “Stay still, I will get you something”

It only took a few minutes until he was back with huge tray of food in his hands. There was at least three different flavors of soup, orange juice, pieces of croutons, salad, and sliced fruit inside a glass bowl. She didn’t protest when he placed it on her lap, and sipped one of the soups, only then minding how hungry she was. Raquel ate almost everything she could and when she was finished, felt the slumber heavy in her muscles. Still, she grabbed his hand and intertwined their fingers when he leaned in to take the tray away.

“Thank you. For taking care of me” Raquel wanted to say more but he was still staring at the empty plate of soup. When he kept on silent, she cleared her throat “Listen, I’m sorry, I know what I did was stupid and careless but I swear I didn’t meant to hurt you”

“Raquel, I think this… this competition between us must to end.” Sergio said emphasizing the word and finally looked at her, his eyes were sharp as blades. “We don’t need to be professor and inspector anymore”

If there was anything delicate in their relationship, it was that even if they had recently met, Sergio knew exactly how the woman's mind worked. He studied her in every possible way, in and out of duty, spending months analyzing every decision, dissecting every word she said or every move she made. And as Raquel tried to run against him in vain, she felt more and more predictable and manipulated, not even knowing who was really hiding behind the mask that had watched her for so long. It was a competition, but it was unfair and Rachel never asked to be in it.

During those five days, they became so used to hurt each other that it became a collateral damage of their relationship. He ruined her career, she fucked his public reputation. He messed up with her traumas, embarrassing her in front of her friends family and she almost killed the only family he ever had back on the docks, not to mention the death of Berlin that she shared part of the responsibility with the police. Being in such an intense war, constantly opening wounds that didn’t healed and living a relationship haunted by secrets and lies was exhausting and Raquel knew that that’s what Sergio was feeling too. And it made a few questions pop in her mind, as she alternated her glance from his face to their hands together. How long until they stop affecting each other with their selfish choices? Could they ever live peacefully together without always playing catch? Was their love strong enough?

“No, we don’t” she agreed in a bittersweet tone “I guess we have to remember this more often”

Sergio’s cold look turned into sad eyes and Raquel sighed, a melancholic expression of her own. They stayed like that for few seconds, in complete silence. The eyes didn’t dare to meet again and the air was lacking on the lungs while they let the unsaid float beneath the zooming noise of the plane’s turbines. Until he pronounced himself again.

“Sleep now, you need to rest” he remembered and released his hand from hers softly, walking back to the end of the plane. When he was almost disappearing behind the navy curtain, he stopped and turned his head to look her from the corner of his eyes.

“We can try to fix this tomorrow”

[ivis-00]

I’m bored so here

Credits got to @booknrd and @redqueenfandom

Tag is here: https://booknrd.tumblr.com/post/169439591221/this-is-the-most-unique-one-ive-seen-please-yes

1)I don’t have iTunes so I just played my daily mix on Spotify on shuffle:

Body Gold by Oh Wonder

I Still Wait For You by XYLØ

Down in Flames by Ella Vos

We Won’t by Jaymes Young

Superstar by Broods

Phase Me Out by VÉRITÉ

2)My nephew. It’s been a year or so since he was born and I still have yet to see him in person.

3)Book: Edgar Allan Poe: Complete Tales and Poems, Short Story: ‘The Unparalleled Adventure of One Hans Pfaaall’, Quote: “April 8th.”

4)That’s a bit of a tough question. I guess it’s usually either my future (I’m a high school senior) and whether or not I’ll ever amount to anything, or about the state of the world (all the things going wrong, how we could have prevented or fixed them, etc.).

5)Lol no I’m not that special

6)Is being scared of just dragonflies a phobia? Like I know it’s pretty silly especially since dragonflies aren’t aggressive or anything but idk it’s a childhood trauma thing that I never got over. I’m less scared of them as the tears go by but still it gives me the creeps.

7)Don’t have one, but I’m very interested in learning about other’s religions.

8)Chilling. Just enjoying the fresh air. Maybe reading. But since it’s always hot here, I rarely go outside of my own accord. I hate the heat.

9)I’m just going to assume this means Western band: Panic! at the Disco

10)That I was gonna go back to sleep but I actually stayed up until 4am.

11)Yes and no. It’s a bit weird. Sometimes karma works magic, and other times it’s nonexistent. I don’t know whether to really believe it’s a thing or not.

12)It’s literally just my middle name and ‘the-fangirl’ written after it. It’s pretty self-explanatory. 👍

13)Greatest weakness is self-doubt. It’s stops me from doing a lot of the things I want to do. Strength is my stubbornness. I know that’s really contradictory, but once my mind is set on something, it’s very hard to convince otherwise.

14)I’m supposed to choose just 1? Cause that’s basically impossible. I’m just gonna day Jungkook from BTS cause he’s my ultimate bias (I know, how basic of me). Gotta represent my man y’all. But if I were to choose a female celebrity crush, for sure I’d say Halsey. Like damn.

15)For me, I always feel like taking out my anger physically through hitting and breaking objects (so that I don’t harm a anybody), or through screaming at the top of my lungs. It helps dispel all that energy so I’m too tired to even think about what I was mad about. But my Hispanic household is very strict on these types of things and I’ve pretty much had to force myself to adopt a passive-aggressive method of dealing with my anger. Just thinking of this makes me mad cause there’s so many things I’ve had to put up with in my family because I can’t express my anger to a figure of authority (since it’s seen as disrespect).

16)I used to have a seashell collection, but now I just collect books and like little memorabilia from different places and events that I feel have left some sort of mark on me.

17)No. I haven’t exactly accomplished any of my long-term goals. I’m pretty stuck since I don’t have complete control of my life with my mother always breathing down my neck.

18)I hate loud talking in quiet spaces, or even just senseless yelling. Many of my family members tend to yell as they’re “talking” on the phone whether they people involved in the conversation are hard of hearing or not. But I’m the bright side, I love the sound of rain and luckily for me, it tends to rain pretty often here (unfortunately that also means it gets really humid).

19)What if all my efforts amount to nothing?

20)I’ve never really seen any conclusive evidence that ghosts exist, so for right now it’s a bit of a middle point for me. Since we don’t exactly knows what happens after death either, there’s still the chance that ghosts can exist. Aliens is something I’m more open about. In a universe so big, I find it difficult to believe we’re the only living things in it. Aliens exist, but we just haven’t found them and they might have not found us. That’s just my personal take on it.

21)Right arm: my nightstand; Left arm: air

22)Coffee.

23)Any one of my family parties (except the one where I ended up winning 8 consecutive games of domino, that was awesome). Or even just a party with people I don’t know. Just parties.

24) 1-Brendon Urie. I just think he’s such a beautiful and genuine person. You don’t find many people that give off the good vibe he does. I admire is vocal skills like crazy, but I’m mainly drawn in by his personality. You can see that he really does care about his fans and appreciates everything they do for him. And he’s not bad on the eyes either. 2-Troye Sivan. He’s another individual that I find beautiful inside and out. His voice is so soothing and he has such a relaxing aura about him that I really like. And the blonde hair works for him like wow, end me. 3-Patrick Stump. Now some people (I’ll fight you), might disagree with my opinion since he’s put on some weight. I’m the kind of person that can find anybody attractive so long as they have a great personality. Patrick, to me, is a gorgeous human being and the fact that he’s chubby doesn’t bother me in the slightest. I find his cheeks to be adorable (which is odd coming from someone younger than him, but bear with me). It’s also comforting seeing someone that’s like me: not your everyday image of a perfect celebrity/person. He’s just an amazing person and I really admire him.

25)To become the best version of ourselves we can possibly be, and to serve others.

26)I’ve finally got my learners permit but I have yet to actually sit in front of the wheel. I’m a bit terrified considering the area I live in isn’t the safest place to drive.

27)I don’t remember the name but I know it was a movie about two lonely elderly people (a man and woman) who find comfort in each other’s company. It was really cute.

28)A broken arm when I was like a couple months to a year old. Not gonna get into details but just know that it was a long ass time ago and I haven’t severely injured myself since.

29)Webtoons

30)Not really.

31)Takes too much energy so no. Doesn’t mean I forget, though.

32)Pisces

33)A ticket to my school’s lip sync battle (students vs teachers). It was definitely worth it.

34)Why not both? 😉 (I lean slightly more towards love, but eh.)

35)No

36)A real, genuine relationship? One.

37)For guys and girls it’s different for me. I’m more shy around guys that I have a real interest in and tend to avoid them at all costs. So I’ve never actually been in a relationship with a guy. I’m slightly more forward with girls. In the end, I’m not too sure what kind of “secret weapon” I have since I’m pretty socially awkward and not typically seen as dating material.

38) My best friends are at their houses being just as unproductive as me.

39) Watching YouTube videos. I can’t even remember which ones.

40) If you’re looking for somebody that’s very spontaneous and blunt, I’m your gal. If not, keep walking. I like to think I’d be friends with me since I find similar qualities that I have in my friends (though that’s not to say I want my friends to be just like me; I need people with differing views to keep me grounded).

41) Fuck the job, I’m saving the dog. And if my boss had even the slightest bit of compassion, he’d understand why I was late.

42) I would tell the people closest to me (my mom, select friends, etc.). But I’d insist they not treat me any differently than if I were completely fine and not dying. I’d spend my remaining days just having fun and doing all the things I’ve ever wanted to do. If I have a month to live, I’m not gonna waste it moping and crying over my mortality. I would like to think that I wouldn’t be scared. Everyone dies at some point, some sooner than others. As long as I am willing to live my last days to their fullest, I’ll be fine with dying.

43) Heavy by Oh Wonder

44) Proper communication. If you don’t talk, then how are you going to work out problems and get anything done?

45) Just be genuine. I hate fake people. That being said, if your genuine self is disrespectful and mean-spirited, I want absolutely nothing to do with you.

46) I like to think it does since you’re in a state of mind that few people have been in.

47) I’d like to say becoming vegan. I feel happier with myself for it.

48) Died from meme overload. I just can’t take myself too seriously.

49) A beating organ. If you were expecting something cheesy, sorry to disappoint.

50) Black, white, gray, green (none of that neon bullshit).

51) The phases of the moon.

52) Tonald Drump (for those specific individuals, it’s Donald Trump)

53) Depends in whose asking me, it could be any question. If my mom were to ask me if I’m straight, I’d hesitate. Still, I would probably tell the truth.

54) Idk, money making power? (gotta pay that college tuition)

55) My time in the Colosseum. It was awesome.

56) Anything to do with my biological father.

57) If we’re talking sex, I’m inclined to not answer since I’m still a minor (*cough* Jungkook/Halsey*cough*), but if it’s like legit sleeping, I want to say Lana Del Rey. Idk why but these are the people that popped up.

58) My bitch ass is headed to South Korea. ✌️

59) Yes.

60) Not even gonna explain:

Jungkook

Halsey

Marina Diamandis

Hayley Kiyoko

Brendon Urie